Work Text
"Don't smoke that."For a moment Kanda doesn't move. His lips, cracked and peeling, press against the curve of the cigarette, eyebrows slightly raised as he stares at the woman who has been stalking him for hours. "Go away."But she doesn't back down. Instead, she crosses her arms and glares at the cigarette lying between Kanda's fingers. "Yes, I'm fine too, Kanda, thanks for asking. Komui and Lavi send their love."Kanda leans against the wall, a stretch of black (coat, trousers, hair) against the white paint and takes out a lighter. He looks away. Towards the horizon. "I don't have the time for this.""No, seriously. Stop it, Kanda. Why are you doing this?"Girl doesn't know a thing, Kanda thinks, so she should stop bothering him."I know what you're thinking," she says, wagging a gloved finger at him. He can see the folds in the leather, the tell-tale creases that divulge the positions of her fingers."Go away, Lenalee."Lenalee rubs her hands together, her breath coming out white in the frosty air. She pulls her grey coat tighter around herself, the hem falling loose around her knees. She looks into Kanda's eyes. "Allen didn't like people who smoke, you know.""And do I care jackshit about what that Beansprout thinks?" He laughs and the sound of his voice is jarring even to his own ears."Kanda—""No. Don't you dare say it.""But—"Kanda puts out a warning hand. You should keep your thoughts to yourself, he thinks. You meddle with the affairs of others, then you expect to get shit thrown back at you. He watches her shoulders sink, her eyes darting from his face to the road, the crinkle of her brow. The things left unsaid hang heavy between them, like the weight of a shackle, like autumnal clouds overhead. "I'll be going then," Lenalee says at last. "Lavi's waiting. If you want to come with us…""No," he says. His voice is harsh against the quiet of the road. There are no cars here, not right now, and not a squeak of birdsong. The quiet of winter. The silence of a churchyard. The solitude of a broken heart. "You go ahead. I'm not going this year."And so Lenalee walks away towards a green car parked at the end of the street, her head dipped and her hands huddled deep within her pockets. Kanda watches her leave, the unlit cigarette now resting against the curve of his palm. When the car moves off, Kanda sighs and dumps the cigarette into the nearest bin. Damn it, he thinks. He doesn't want to go. But if Lenalee and Lavi are going—"You know how troublesome you are?" Kanda says, looking up into the sky. It's a weak sort of blue, the sun a faded disc. "I really do hate you, for chrissake."He turns the corner and then walks straight into a florist's.One
A penny for your thoughts? Oh, for the love of—don't smoke that, BaKanda. It's bad for your health!
Two
Like hell I care. Go away.
Three
Bloody hell, Kanda! I swear I'll make you quit this habit…
Four
I'd like to see you try, Beansprout.
Five
I told you I'd succeed, didn't I? And thanks for the roses, though I know Lavi made you get them.
Six
I thought of it myself, idiot.
Seven
When Kanda comes… tell him I love him, won't you?
Eight
I'm right here, Beansprout! Look at me! I'm here, damn it!
Nine
Hey, BaKanda. Just a little note for you… in case, you know? It's made me very happy all this while. I really love you. I hope you never have to read this… but if you do, just know that fate brought us together for a reason. Live well.
Ten
Why did this happen? I told you to wait for me… Idiot.
Kanda pinches the bridge of his nose as he steps away from his black car. It's colder here, the wind devilishly strong, threatening to blow away the bouquet of red roses in his hand.It's almost evening, and the sun is slowly dying behind the mountains, its last precious rays crawling over the horizon, struggling to reach the zenith. The Beansprout would have liked the scene, Kanda muses, before he throws the thought out.The steps are steep, and carved into the stone are little patterns; things long lost in history . These are stories entwined with life, but Kanda only regards them with a cold eye before stepping onto them. The climb is a short one, thank the heavens, because Kanda's tired and grouchy already and he doesn't need one more obstacle in his way.There's an arch, grey stone yawning over his head. Kanda passes under it. He has come this way once every month for two years straight, with a special visit propped into the calendar in damned January.The rest of them, they think he visits the place once a year, in January only. He doesn't bother to correct them. After all, it is indeed a lonely pilgrimage, for chrissake, so why would he come more often? Lavi knows, though, but doesn't say a thing. Thank goodness that idiot has some sense, at least."Hey, Kanda."Ahhh. Kanda expects it. He merely continues on ahead, the bouquet hanging limply by his side."Wait up."Kanda slows his pace by a fraction, and the redhead bounces up beside him. "I knew you'd be here.""Where's your crazy girlfriend?""Lenalee left earlier. I told her to head home first.""Good riddance.""She's your friend.""Shut the hell up, won't you?""I'll be right here, Yu. You go on ahead. Lenalee and I… we've already gone on up."Kanda presses on, his eyes checking his position amid the gathering gloom. The craggy steps wind round and he steps off them onto a beaten, dusty path. His boots crunch against the gravel, crushing what remains of the sorry brown vegetation.He stops before a white slab."Beansprout. I… I brought you roses. Thought you'd like them, like the sappy idiot you are." Kanda looks up and away. "How's it down there? I'm not waiting for you, you know."The sky's a dark purple, and dark silhouettes fall all around him. A crow regards him with a menacing eye. Kanda returns the glare. "I'm going, then," Kanda says at last. He stoops and places the bouquet against the white slab. "See you in a bit. Maybe. I'm trying to move on, not that you'd understand.""Feeling better?" Lavi asks. He pats Kanda on the back."Don't touch me," Kanda growls, and starts off down the steps."Hey, wait up, Yu! You've got to drive me back!""You have a damned car. Sod off.""Lenalee drove it back!""Too bad, idiot.""Yu!""Not today."They reach the car, and Lavi stands by the passenger seat, his eye opened wide. "Please?"Kanda snorts, but allows Lavi to climb in anyway. Heaven knows the journey back to civilisation will be a painful and lonely one, and having a babbling idiot next to you is an irritating but better option than travelling alone. In other words, today is a day when Kanda needs some bloody company, and Lavi sure as hell knows it."Let's go get us a drink," Lavi says.The car slides smoothly along the dirt road, the purring of the engine a distant sound. Kanda looks straight ahead, his eyes never leaving the bends that shape the road. "I'm driving.""Doesn't mean you can't drink," Lavi counters. "I can drive you home. You deserve to get all drunk today."Kanda doesn't reply. The silence looms larger in the interior of the car, and Lavi sighs.At the next intersection, though, Kanda stops the car, kills the engine."What are you doing?" Lavi asks, and he catches sight of Kanda's eyes—those hollow pits filled with misery and pain. For a moment he wonders if Kanda will kill him and bury him somewhere in this craggy land, leaving behind only the slightest trail of blood and rot.Then Lavi shakes the thought away, because Kanda is walking toward a building at the end of a side road. He hurries to follow his friend. The building, predictably, turns out to be one of those roadside inns built in the ancient style brought over from Kanda's homeland."Room," Kanda says to the owner, and the man bows and leads them to a room laid with mats.They sit around the little table set right smack in the middle of the room. The smell of green tea wafts from some other direction and Kanda actually almost smiles."Thinking about fond memories?""No," Kanda denies, his sake already in his hands."You're drinking sake?" Lavi asks, eyeing it suspiciously."Yes," Kanda said."Why? I'd actually recommend—""Stop asking so many damned questions, idiot.""You're such a jerk sometimes," Lavi says, but grabs another cup of sake anyway."I don't want to get too drunk tonight," Kanda says. His tongue is always looser when he has some alcohol in him, which is as good as it gets."Huh," Lavi says. He stares deep into his cup. "'Y'know, Yu, we miss Allen too."Kanda's breath catches. Lavi can hear the intake of breath, and the silence that comes after."Don't you think it's about time we talk openly about it? We've been skirting the issue for way too long…""Damn you," Kanda says."She's been gone almost two years, Kanda. It's time you faced reality.""Asshat.""Bastard.""Idiot rabbit.""Is this going to turn into a full-out swearing party?" Lavi smiles. "I thought we were gonna get drunk."Kanda inclined his head to the right. "She should just have waited, that day.""What actually happened?""We… we were going to meet up," Kanda says. He can't believe the words that are spilling from his mouth, because what the hell is he doing saying this to Lavi? "Then I was late. So she said she wouldn't wait. She wanted to go ahead first—"Lavi nods."Car crashed into her.""Yu…""I'm fine, Usagi. Don't me that damned look filled with pity. I don't need any pity, for shit's sake!""Don't get worked up," Lavi says."I'm not."They spend the rest of the evening talking about Allen and Lenalee and the happy days that came before.Kanda is surprised by himself.And—he's not drunk at the end of it. Not really. Not drunk-drunk, but slightly, under-the-weather drunk. He even manages to drive himself home. A trophy for him, thank you very much. For once, too, Allen isn't standing by his front door waiting to welcome him home, her pearly feet dragging on the carpet and blood staining the walls a dark mauve.Kanda drags himself up the hill despite the cold that threatens to bite his nose off and the headache that rages behind his eyes. Maybe I took too many cups of sake last night, he thinks. Damn all alcohol. When he reaches the marble, he sighs and pulls himself straight."Allen," he begins. It doesn't sound right."Beansprout. You asshat. You know what hell I've been through these two years?" Kanda looks straight at the slab and summons his most ferocious glare. "I hate you."Overhead, the sun climbs behind a cloud, and what little warmth there is also dissipates. In the unrelenting barren landscape, nothing moves except for Kanda. "You really should have listened to me that day. I would have come for you, idiot."Kanda takes a step back. The lighting is still rather dim, and he really doesn't want to lose his footing. "I talked to Lavi yesterday. We had a drink… many drinks. Shit, why am I even telling you this?"Up in the sky, the cloud begins to tear itself away from the weak, yellow sun."I miss you," Kanda says. He looks away to the horizon, where a tall mountain sits waiting, silent in the empty land. "We wanted to go there… but now we can't. I still blame you. But you know, since… Since you're gone, I might as well live properly before we get chained together in the afterlife, eh?"Kanda swipes at a twig that lies just below the marble slab. "You once told me about Mana… I laughed at you. But what you said makes sense now. I've been thinking about it all morning. Walk on, huh? We'll see. I'll walk on all right, though it will be damned hard. But Lavi and Lenalee will help me through it. And—I'll drop by now and then, idiot."The sunlight streams down again as Kanda walks down the craggy stairs. He looks up, a brief smile kindling on his chapped lips. As he reaches his car which sits solemnly by the roadside, its wheels resting amid puddles of putrid leaves, Kanda reaches into his pocket. He retrieves the pack of cigarettes within. Without hesitation, he flings it in the direction of the nearest bin and slides into the driver's seat.Kanda reaches out. His ignition key turns easily, and the engine purrs lightly. With a last look toward the sprawling hill, he accelerates and drives away.