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It's only been 4 days. Four fucking days, Negan said a week and it's been four days and now Carl has a gun to a man's chest because this guy cannot see inside his bedroom. Carl would honestly rather die, which is probably exactly what's going to happen since he has his gun pointed at one of Negan's men. He should be more worried about Judith and if he survives this and his dad asks him what the hell is going on, he'll say he was trying to protect Judith, but that's not what he's worried about because he hasn't had time to put everything back in his bag. His belongings are scattered over his bed.
Carl carries the bag everywhere and it has exactly 7 items in it, all items that aren't his. All items that no-one except Judith knows he has.
He doesn't know if this is exactly normal, he reckons he might be a bit mentally ill... sometimes he wishes that he had his mom to talk to about it. He thinks he might be a girl.
1. The first item he ever put in the bag was a nail polish, he found it in Beth's cell at the prison and swiped it. He figured if anyone ever found it in his bag, he could say he was keeping it for when Judith grew up. That was sweet, that was being a good big brother.
Lori must have known. He only recalls a small amount of time before the apocalypse but he remembers his mum telling him it was okay to want to play with the girls at school. He remembers that she said gender doesn't matter nearly as much when you get older. He remembers being damn excited about that.
2. When they were searching a mall to see if any of the stores hadn't been ransacked, Carl stole (was it really considered stealing anymore?) a pack of hairbands. He didn't know if they were exactly girly but he liked the idea of braiding his hair and putting it up in a bun. He didn't actually know how to use hairbands though so they were all still in their packaging.
Judith knows, and Carl thinks she might actually understand. It sounds ridiculous because she's a toddler who can barely talk, but when Carl tells her about it, it's like she understands. He was telling her about how he wanted to grow his hair more and she ran over to him and grabbed his hair in both of her chubby hands and pulled as if she was trying to make it longer. Carl cried with happiness that day. 3. The third thing in his bag was probably one of his prized possessions, a bright red lipstick. He doesn't know who it belonged to, it might have been Maggie... he stole that the day they got to Alexandria. It was a promise to himself. A promise that it would be okay here. He tried to tell Daryl about it once, all he got from the man was that he should be who needed to be. Who did he need to be? He wasn't sure if this urge to be a girl quite counted as something he needed to be. He thought Daryl might tell his dad if he was more clear about what he was trying to talk about, so he gave up on talking to the older man about it.
4. Michonne isn't very ladylike so Carl doubts that she ever noticed her necklace go missing. He hopes she didn't, he had never seen her wear it and a few weeks before he stole it he asked her if it was important and she shook her head. She's never asked him about it so he hopes that means she never looked. It looks so lovely when the charm is settled in between his collarbones and it's so small that sometimes he wears it out for good luck.
It's hard to be feminine in the apocalypse, he's noticed that mostly people don't wear dresses anymore because it's not practical, that makes him feel better. He can wear his boy clothes and convince himself it's just because it's practical. Not very easy to kill in a skirt. That's what he tells himself, it's not because he's a boy, it's because he's a killer... and he has to be.
5. Carl feels a little bad for this one, because he's sure that it was his mom's perfume and his dad was keeping it because he was lonely. It was right on the table, there for him to steal and if he saw his father looking for it later, he didn't say anything. Rick never asked and Carl never admitted.
Sometimes when Carl's holding a gun he feels like shit. He wishes he didn't think like this but it feels ever so masculine so be brandishing a weapon, even if he has to. In these moments it's images of the most badass woman he knows that calms him down. Carol is a womanly woman, she likes to cook, she was a good mother but she can handle a gun almost as well as he can.
6. Olivia doesn't wear makeup but she does have a makeup bag, Carl isn't sure why she decided it was important enough to pack when on the run but he's glad she did because the mascara he managed to get out of it will never be discovered as missing.
Sometimes Carl is angry that he lost his eye because his depth perception is gone, but sometimes he's angry because when he looks in the mirror he knows that no matter who he makes accept him as a girl, he'll never be beautiful with one eye. He knows that shouldn't worry him, but it does.
7. The most embarrassing item in his bag wasn't stolen, it was found. Which might be disgusting. He was in the woods and the bra was just laying there. He left it there for three days before he finally decided he would take it and then washed it in the sink when he got home, not wanting Rick to know he had it. He had only tried it on once but just owning it made him feel better.
Carl thinks he might be a girl stuck in a boy's body and that's far scarier than walkers, hell, it's even scarier than anything Negan can do to him. For all Carl knows, these thoughts make him as sick as the walkers themselves.
How can Carl get out of this situation? The man is about to go upstairs, but maybe if he causes enough of a ruckus then he'll have a chance to run upstairs and shove everything back into his bag. The guy is holding medicine, that can be his excuse, his dad will be mad, Negan will be madder... but it could work out okay. It's his only chance so he moves his gun slightly to the right of the man's abdomen, prays to a god he doesn't believe in that his depth perception isn't so bad and shoots.
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Carl knew he didn't have time to run up the stairs because as soon as the gunshot sounded he could hear Negan and his father arguing outside. He knew he had to pretend that he wanted his medicine back and hope to god they sent him to his room or something. Fuck. Or, Negan might kill him. What was he doing? Was his secret really worth all this? Yes, he decided quickly. It was. "Put some back." he growled to the man he had just shot at, "Or the next one goes in you." he can barely breathe as he clicks the safety back off on the gun ready to shoot again."Kiiid..." the man drawls, "What do you think happens next?" "You die." Carl said firmly as he felt his father coming into the room, his assumption was that Negan was right behind him but he didn't take his eyes off the man in front of him. He vaguely heard his dad ask him to put the gun down but Negan was either going to kill him or he wasn't and at least he could explain his excuse now. "He's taking all of our medicine. They said only half our stuff." he complained quickly. "Of course..." he heard Negan chuckle, this was it, this might be the end. "Really kid?" Negan asked, and all Carl could think about was how both the Saviours had called him kid, when he wasn't one. Fuck it, if this was the end, Carl would go down mouthing off. "You should go." he said easily to Negan, "Before you find out how dangerous we all are.""Pardon me young man..." Negan started, "Excuse the shit out of my goddamn french but did you just threaten me? Look, I get threatening Davey here but I can't have it, not him. Not me." Negan and Carl were both surprised when Rick interrupted but Negan quickly shut him down "Don't be rude Rick, we are having a conversation here." he chuckled before turning back to Carl. "Now boy, where were we? Oh yeah, your giant man-sized balls. No threatening us. Listen, I like you... so I don't want to go hard proving a point here and you don't want that. I said half your shit and half is what I say it is. I'm serious. Do you want me to prove how serious? Again." Carl gave in quickly and gave the gun to his dad, no way was he giving a weapon to Negan right now. Negan reacted by grinning and sending most of his men to collect all of the guns in the town and the last few of them he told to go and get all of Carl's stuff, half was what he decided it was after all. Carl stood glaring at Negan and ignoring his dad, knowing that the Saviour's were about to discover his secret. He heard laughter upstairs and he was already racing towards his room. Then there was a call of "Negan, I think you better come and look at this." Carl was up the stairs before Negan had time to move but Carl's speed only made Negan speed up, Rick followed them, trying to work out what the hell was going on. Carl pushed into his bedroom, grabbing at the stuff on his bed and shoving it at his bag.Negan had already seen enough though and he stopped Rick before he could get into the doorway. "Everyone out. Rick, show my men where you guns are, make sure they're all accounted for. Your boys little stunt reminds me, you shouldn't have weapons." he ordered quickly, looking at the men crowded into Carl's room, "Did you fucking hear me? I said everyone out." he growled. Carl wasn't sure he had ever seen a group of men move so quickly, and he moved a little slower himself as he put his things away in his bag, he was about 99 percent sure that everyone didn't include him. The man stood in the doorway watching Carl, biting his lip, "That your shit?" he asked after Carl had finished. The boy nodded, not looking up at Negan. Negan shook his head, "That why you went all future serial killer on my ass?" he asked, and Carl nodded again. He wished he could use the excuse that they were for Judith but firstly, Negan had seen the bra and secondly... he didn't want Negan to know about Judy. "Daddy doesn't know?" he raised an eyebrow and Carl shook his head, praying that in a moment he would stop glowing red and be able to look at Negan. The elder was silent after that, waiting for Carl to look up at him and when, after a few minutes, he did... Negan just shook his head softly. "You threatened to kill a man because you didn't want Daddy finding out about your kinks?" he chuckled but Carl glared at him. "It's not a fucking kink." he growled.Negan sighed, "Okay fine, not a kink. Still threatened to kill a man.""Yeah well, it's not exactly normal. Doesn't matter anyway... you'll tell him now.""It's like you don't know me at all." Negan faked a pout, "I'm a very reasonable person. I sent Rick away for a reason." "Oh yeah?" Carl glared, "So you can tell him some other time when you decide it will hurt more?" "Carl." Negan warned, raising an eyebrow, "Your tone is once again, very close to threatening. Won't have it." Carl didn't even bother replying, he just pulled his bag closer to his chest. "I'll keep your damn secret." Negan eventually relented, Carl still didn't reply, just nodded blankly, Negan rolled his eyes, "And you can keep all your shit... since you had a reason." Carl wasn't going to speak but Negan raised an eyebrow and somehow Carl knew if he didn't thank the man, shit would go down. He swallowed his pride and mumbled out a "Thank you... Negan." he looked back to the floor and folded his arms around himself.Negan just chuckled to himself and moved to ruffle Carl's hair, "I'm going to go help Daddy rid this town of guns now. Be a good boy won't you." and Carl nodded once again. When Negan left, Carl practically ran to the shower. He turned the heat up as far as he could take it and washed through his hair as if washing away Negan's touch might wash away the fact that Negan had been kind to him. As if letting water wash away the terror of Negan would take away from the fact that Carl had obeyed him like a puppy, the fact that he had thanked him for what? For not killing him? For not taking his stuff?
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Rick is wrong. This is not how they had to live and Carl was so sure of it. He shook his head as Michonne left the room after telling him to be nice to Olivia, turning round and grateful for the sight he saw. Something to distract him. Enid was climbing the wall... again. He moved more quickly than he knew and before she had managed to climb even a little, he was next to her."Enid." he started, frowning heavily."I need to see Maggie." she insisted, without even looking at him.He almost laughed but managed to keep himself in check, "You're walking to the Hilltop? It's far.""I'll be fine." she said, the words laced with fear."Maybe." he shrugged, biting his lip."I'll be fine." she shouted this time, more to convince herself than him, Carl figured and then just to spite him she added "I have better aim than you."Carl watched her for a moment and then shook his head ever so slightly "I'm not saving you anymore."It was her turn to almost laugh now, and they argued for a moment about him leaving her behind that night. The night Glenn died. Carl turned and walked away as quickly as he could but his mind was turning. Enid was important to him, and she could be an excuse. (He had been making up a lot of excuses recently.) He could make sure Enid got to the Hilltop safely and if he got caught leaving, well... saving her was a pretty good excuse.If he managed to get out of Alexandria, safely deliver Enid to The Hilltop... then he could find a way to Negan. In fact, he was pretty sure that the saviours would be at the Hilltop soon too, maybe he could find a way to follow them or something.He had made a decision and he quickly followed Enid over the fence, but her words still stung so he kept back, she was riding a bike and he tired quickly but it didn't take long for her to stop. He couldn't see why, not until the walker came at her. Carl was in the car next to him quicker than she could even turn around and look at the creature. He took a breath, hoping once again that his aim wouldn't fail him. Driving so fast that he knew if he hit Enid and not the walker she would die. He missed Enid but he saw the walker getting up again in the mirror, quickly reversing to finally kill the thing."What are you doing here?" Enid asked, her fear still aching under her skin."Felt like a drive." Carl shrugged, not wanting to admit he had saved her again.He got out of the car and they walked. Walked in a comfortable silence, Enid glad that Carl was with her on her journey and Carl glad that Enid was with him on his.Eventually Enid broke the silence, bringing up something Carl had said in their argument earlier about seeing Glenn and Abraham die, "Not sorry you saw it?""Yeah." he mumbled, knowing he could trust Enid, if he was going to tell anyone about wanting to be a girl (he wasn't) he would tell her, "I watched it, both times." he explained."Why?" she asked, her voice confused not curious."Cause... when it was happening I knew that I'd need to remember it. So, that when I had a chance to kill him. I wouldn't have a choice.""I think I'd kill him too." she replied, her voice so laced with malice Carl almost believed her and then she continued and he almost puked at how much she had changed, "It's messed up. But it's how it is. You do things for the ones that you love."They fell back into silence, moving closer together... as if comfort would come from it.He can see she's about to cry when he finds them, the tears are welling in her eyes and he doesn't know what he'll do if she cries... so the roller boots are a miracle. He calls out to her and they put them on. Carl has never skated before, Enid has to teach him and eventually they're skating as they walked, in silence but now they're holding hands. Carl thinks if this does happen to be his last day on earth, that might be okay.When they get to the Hilltop he cringes because the saviours are there and he has to go through with his plan. Now. When Enid tries to convince him to stay, he almost cries because she's right, he's not killing Negan for anyone else, he's doing it for himself. Then suddenly she's telling him his death will matter to her and it hurts because he knows it will matter to his dad, his sister... Michonne. This has to be done though.In the end, he settles on one more selfish thing and kisses her forehead, then her lips, melting into her. He wishes that was enough, that he loved her as much as he hated Negan... but it wasn't the case. When she whispers her last plea to stay, he's so close to agreeing, but he can't. He's not in love with her and he needs to do this, living isn't worth this."You shouldn't go." she whispers, "But I can't stop you." and then she's leaving."I'll see you." he murmurs, it feels true when he says it."No. You won't."Then Carl is in one of the trucks and he knows he might die in the next few hours, but he's not scared. He's not even mad anymore. He just... wants Negan dead. He feels numb and he can't even find it in himself to be surprised when Jesus jumps into the truck too. Just sits there planning how to get rid of him before he does the deed. No need to put anyone else in danger.He's lucky, when they get there, Jesus wants to bail out of the truck and he agrees, pretending not to know how to. He acts panicked easily and when Jesus bails, he waves and he can't hold back the laugh bubbling in his chest.Carl knows for sure that they're there a few minutes later when they go through guard gates and then through a protective layer of walkers. He's grateful for the guns packed in the truck because he had so not planned this well enough. The truck stops and Carl's body fights itself wanting to hold his breath and breathe fast and heavy all at the same time. He hears Negan's voice and he's ready. He knows he's not a good shot but if he understands rightly, he's got a machine gun in his hand and he'll take out as many of them as he can.He's discovered before he planned to be and he has to start shooting way too early, before Negan is even in his sight. Two men are dead by the time he's telling everyone to drop their weapons."I only want Negan." he declares, gun up as he climbs out of the truck, "He killed my friends. No-one else needs to die." he lies easily.He hears Negan's whistle, it's unmistakable even to the boy who has only heard it a few times. His head jerks in that direction, gun quickly following. Negan is moving and Carl knows it's on purpose, Negan knows he can't aim."Kid... I'm not gonna lie, you scare the shit outta me." Negan drawled, then someone moves and in a panic Carl is pressing down on the trigger again.
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Carl doesn't even get to shoot anyone this time because suddenly he's on the floor. To his surprise though, Negan reprimands Dwight for disarming him asking him if that was any way to treat a guest. Hearing that, Carl froze... Negan wasn't dead and now he was stuck in The Sanctuary. This was not what he had been planning for. Not that his plan had been perfect.Carl sits up, slowly getting up without Negan's help despite the outstretched hand he was offering. He feels sick when he sees Daryl watching him and guilt pools in his stomach when Daryl's distracted behaviour almost gets him bitten by a walker. As he follows Negan across the courtyard, Carl listens to him complaining about not being able to screw any of his wives and he's so close to punching Negan in the back of the head. He figures that wouldn't be useful though."What are you going to do to me?" Carl asked, and yes... maybe his voice was fearful."Number one, do not shatter my image of you. You're a badass. You're not scared of shit, don't be scared of me it's a disappointment." He leans back to get a better view of Carl "Number two. You really want me to ruin the surprise? Screw you kid. Seriously, screw you."Carl followed Negan, his mind racing with what was to come, but it was only a few minutes before Negan stopped "Watch this." he whispered, walking over to the edge of a balcony and letting all the people in the room bow to him. He started making a long speech and Carl is pretty sure he couldn't listen to it if he was trying to, it seems so boring.Negan finally turned to Carl and said lowly "See that. Respect. Cool, isn't it?". Carl looks over Negan's people, expecting to find fear in their faces, not respect... but he doesn't. It seems like Negan might be right about respect. Now everyone is looking at Carl and he suddenly feels vulnerable, galloping after Negan quickly."You good?" Negan asks, eyeing Carl who just nods. They walk until they get to a room full of women and Carl holds his breath because, these women are beautiful. These women are everything he wanted to be... and they're Negan's wives?His question is answered when Negan starts talking. "Babies..." he grins, "Don't mind the boy." Carl cringes at the word and he practically sees Negan make a note of that.Carl tries to look at the ground while he's here. Negan is talking to one of his wives in the corner and all the women around him are making him feel incredibly guilty. He's not sure why, maybe for leaving Enid behind, maybe because he can't take his eyes off every curve of them or maybe because he's pretty sure they're not here of their own free will.When Negan pushes a beer into his hand he nods, but he's not going to try it, he already knows he hates beer. The next moment, Negan is kneeling in front of one of his wives and threatening her because she cheated on him. It's strange though, because he says he wouldn't care if she left. Carl looked around the room again, were all these women really here by choice? He kisses her forehead so gently that Carl finds himself wishing someone would care about him.Daryl comes into the room not two minutes later with Dwight and they both check each other up and down to see if the other is okay. When Carl moves to grab a tray of food off of Daryl, under Negan's order, Daryl mouths "Are you okay?" and Carl nods, adding "So is Dad." because he knew Daryl cared and it was probably awful for Daryl not really knowing what was going on."Do not make me put this toothpick through the only eye he has." Negan threatens Daryl and the man flinches, but Carl isn't scared, for some unknown reason, he knows the man won't do it.Negan leaves the room, indicating for Carl to follow and speaks lowly, as if afraid someone might hear "You don't wanna be a boy?" he raises an eyebrow and Carl cringes once again, but that answers Negan's question better than any actual answer would have.They're silent for a few moments as they walk before Negan sighs, "Have you ever told anyone that?" he asked quietly and when Carl shakes his head he takes a deep breath, "Because you think it's fucked up?""It is." Carl said firmly, looking at the floor."Did you see those beautiful women? I'd want to be one if I wasn't so goddamn awesome a guy." Negan chuckled, "Not saying you're not awesome, but girls can be bad ass too. Stop being so hard on yourself."Carl feels disgusting that he's listening to Negan, but he takes on the words anyway. Listens, just because it feels good. When they get to another room, Carl's hands are shaking because that's all he's ever wanted to hear, but it was Negan saying it."My room." Negan tells him as they go in, and it could only be Negan's room. It's beautiful and with a double bed that reminds Carl he hasn't slept since he left Alexandria two days ago."Are all of those women actually your..." Carl begins."Wives? Yeah. I didn't want to just screw just a bunch of different women, but why settle for just one? Why follow the same old rules? Why not make life better?" Negan chuckles and Carl finds himself smiling, "Speaking of..." the man continues "Sit. Let's get started.""Started on what?""I want to get to know you a little better Carl...""Why?" Carl asks nervously, in general or was this about feeling like a girl?"Work it out. You're smart. In fact, I'mma tell you just how smart you are, just in case you don't already know. See, I'd expect a kid your ages to be moping around not doing a damn thing except crying about missing the prom. But you... you go on a mission. You find me. You kill two of my men, you're smart enough to know that I'm not gonna let this slide." he chuckles and Carl looks at the ground again, "I can't do it." Negan declares, "It's like talking to a birthday present. You gotta take that crap off your face. I wanna see what grandma got me.""No." Carl says firmly, his one eye resolutely staring Negan down."TWO MEN!" Negan shouts, his face so close to Carl that he feels the man's breath, "Two men. You really wanna piss me off?" he asks and Carl's hands go up to take his hat off. He doesn't look at Negan as he unties his bandage from the back, ignoring Negan's encouraging chuckles, he pulls it away and lets his hair fall in front of the wound."Get that hair out of your face..." Negan murmurs, "Let me see it."Carl pushes his hair back and his bottom lip quivers, no-one except Denise and Olivia have ever seen this since the day it happened. He feels the whimper come out of his mouth, and takes a deep breath, begging himself not to cry."Crikes! That is disgusting. No wonder you cover that shit up. Have you seen it?" Negan calls and Carl thinks he might just throw himself over the table at Negan or cry "I mean, have you looked in the mirror? That is gross as hell. I can see your socket. Can I touch it? Oh come on, can I touch it?"Carl looks to the floor and shakes his head, he feels a tear roll down the cheek on the side of his good eye and pulls his arm around himself."Oh... damn." Negan says softly, "Holy hell kid... Look, I just..." this is the first time Carl's ever seen Negan lost for words and he can barely take it in, "It's easy to forget that you're... just a kid. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or anything." He sighs, "I was just screwing around." There's a knock at the door and Negan is distracted, asking the person to come in."Sorry to disturb you." Fat Joey says quickly, "But you left Lucille out by the truck.""Seriously?" Negan looks confused "I never leave her. I guess a kid firing a machine gun is a little bit of a distraction." Suddenly Negan seems to find the right words to say to Carl, "All jokes aside, you look rad as hell." he tells him, "I wouldn't cover that shit up... it may not be a hit with the ladies, but I swear to you, no-one is gonna screw with you looking like that."Negan seems to once again realise that someone else is in the room "Fat Joseph... did you carry her all the way up here for me?""Yes sir.""Were you gentle? Were you kind? Did you treat her like a lady?""Uh... yes. Yes sir.""Did you pet her little pussy like a lady?" he asked and Carl wondered if it was a dig at him, "I'm just screwing around man. A baseball bat doesn't have a pussy." he laughs, Fat Joey laughs obediently before Negan continues "Get the hell out.""See, that's the shit I'm talking about. Men breaking each other's balls. This is the shit that your dad's supposed to be teaching you."Carl took a deep breath, when he replied, you could hear the sob that was stuck in his throat, "Why would anyone teach a girl about what men do?" he asked."Touche." Negan nodded.
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"What do you like to do for fun?" Negan asks and once again Carl is caught off guard, "You like music?" and that confuses Carl even more because Carl can barely remember music, hasn't listened to it since the outbreak. "I want you to sing me a song.""What?" Carl asks, almost scoffing."Yeah. You mowed down two of my men with machine guns. I want something in return for that. Sing me a song.""I can't think of any." Carl whispers, and he's not lying."Bullshit. What did your mum used to sing you? What did Dad play in the car?" Negan stands now, placing Lucille to his head and Carl can't breathe again "Start. Singing.""Okay... Okay." Carl nods, searching for the lyrics of the one song he vaguely knows.He lets out a small whimper, this more embarrassing than most things Negan could have done. Finally, just as he's sure he can't do it, he sings. It's not good, his voice is shaking with sobs but he sings none the less. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine... you make me happy when skies are grey." Negan is playing with Lucille, and Carl's eyes are drawn to him swinging the bat around but when Negan shouts at him to continue, he does. "You'll never know dear, how much I love you... so... please don't take my sunshine away.""Lucille loves being sung to." Negan says, "Bout the only thing she loves more than bashing in brains." he chuckles, "Weird. Right?"Carl can't stop his body shaking with sobs now and Negan sighs, sitting down next to him."Come on Carly..." he says softly."Don't." Carl growls, looking up at Negan defiantly.Negan shook his head, "Fine. Your mother sing you that? Where is she now?" The look on Carl's face must answer, because Negan continues "Damn... dead huh? You see it happen?""I shot her." Carl whispers weakly, "Before... it could...""Damn, no wonder you're a little serial killer in the making." Negan is smiling but it doesn't seem to be cruel, just soft. "That was an example of breaking bones by the way." he was close to Carl now and the gentle touch on his shoulder made him jump, "Come on boy, get up.""It should be ready." Negan sighed, looking like he was in two minds about what he was about to do."What should be ready?" Carl asked with a frown."The iron." Negan said softly, and Carl was scared all over again, was this a punishment for him? *****************************************************************************They walk into a big room and Carl is surprised by the amount of people, he spots Daryl and tries to grab eye contact with the man to comfort himself. Negan passes him Lucille and he's so distracted he takes her without a second thought. The men in the room all seem to notice Negan at the same time and bow, Carl wants to fall to the ground himself when he sees Daryl sink to his knees with the rest of them."You know the deal." Negan starts and Carl listens, trying to take information in. "What's about to happen is going to be hard to watch. I don't wanna do it. I wish I could just ignore the rules and let it slide, but I can't." he stops and looks over his people, "Why?"Carl almost laughs when like a school assembly the whole room replies "The rules keep us alive.""That. Is. Right. We survive, we provide security for others. We bring civilisation back to this world. We are... The Saviours." It's in that moment that Carl realises that Negan genuinely thinks he's the good guy. He wonders for a second if that's true, hopes to hell that it's not. He can't think clearly, is Negan insane? Maybe. Whatever is going on, Negan is either not aware or doesn't care that he's doing just as much damage as healing. Carl's so busy thinking, he honestly doesn't realise that the world is still turning, doesn't realise he's blindly been following Negan across the room until Mark is screaming.As the world comes back to him, Carl is very aware that Negan must be insane, he's literally burning a man's face off. He can't take his eyes off the scene though and he frowns when Negan laughs. Very nearly attacks the man when he orders Daryl to clean up the mess. The eye contact he and Daryl share is enough to keep him from doing anything stupid though.When Negan is done making his dumb speech, he walks over to Carl and so quietly says "Some crazy shit huh... you probably think I'm a lunatic." and for a second Carl is sure Negan can read his mind. "Come on..." he adds more delicately, "Let's figure out what to do with you." *******************************************************************************It feels like they've been sat in this room for hours, Negan looking at his stupid notepad and Carl just sat there in silence. It's probably only been about half an hour, but time has been stretched since Carl got here. Finally the younger boy builds up the courage to talk, "Can I... wrap up my face now?""No. You absolutely cannot.""Why the hell not?!" Carl growls, apparently the last half an hour building back up his confidence (or stupidity)."Look at this bad ass." Negan laughs and Carl is sort of proud, "You can't, because I'm not done with you. I like looking at your disgusting, rat ass... bad ass eye. So it's staying out... what? You got something to say?""Why haven't you killed me? Or my dad for that matter... or Daryl?""Daryl... is gonna make a good soldier for me. See, he thinks he's holding it together, but you saw him. Your dad, he's really getting me some great stuff. You, on the other hand, well... we shall see." the words send a chill down Carl's spine but he can't find it in himself to care. "It's more productive to break you." Negan finally continues, "More fun too. You thinking that's stupid?""I'm thinking we're different." Carl argues, Negan is far from stupid."You're a smart kid. What do you think I should do?"Carl laughs, actually laughs, in Negan's face. What should he do? Well if Carl was Negan, then the boy in front of him, would already be dead."You know I can't let you go." Negan continues "So... do I kill you, iron your face, chop off your arm? What do you think?"Carl finds all the power within himself to stand up now, "I think you should jump out a window to save me the trouble of killing you." he snarled and then grins... because he doesn't care if Negan kills him. If Negan kills him, it'll start a war and they both know it."Now, there's the kid that impressed the hell out of me." Negan starts, and Carl can't help the pride that rises in his chest."You're not saying what you're going to do to me, because you're not going to do anything." Carl says firmly and as he says the words, he knows that they're true. "See, if you knew anything, you would kill us. But you can't.""Maybe you're right." Negan shrugs, and Carl is disappointed to see the man still smiling, "Maybe you're right, maybe I can't..." he chuckles. "Let's go for a ride Carly."Carl is so impressed by himself, he can't even find anger for the name Negan uses. ********************************************************************************When they get in the truck, Negan calls for Daryl and seconds later the man appears at the window, "You seem worried..." Negan explains, "So, I'm taking the kid home.""You do anything to him and I'll..." Daryl doesn't finish his sentence before Negan gives him a time out, but Carl is grateful for the defence anyway.They're silent for the whole truck ride, well, until they're almost there and almost silently, so that Simon won't hear, Negan whispers, "Look kid, we both know I can't kill you, and I sure as hell won't have a lady living like you do... I'll fix it."The words make Carl feel in equal parts ill and happy. To have Negan be the only one who knows his deepest secret is terrifying but though Negan is cruel, he never seems to actually use it against Carl. As if Negan, in his own insane way, has drawn a line at making fun of Carl wanting to be a girl, as if that is too cruel, even for Negan.
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When Olivia opens the door, of course, the first thing she asks about is Enid. It feels like months have passed since they kissed and she went to safety, while he went to... whatever this was. Negan wants to know where Rick is, and Carl hopes he's close. Even if just to get rid of Negan more quickly."Wheeere's Rick?" Negan practically sings and Olivia can't get the words out to reply so he continues, "Don't care. Where the hell is Rick?""Out. Scavenging. For you..." Olivia finally manages and Carl breathes a sigh of relief for the girl."Cool." Negan grins, "I'll wait."Carl can see Olivia's mind working as she replies, "Uh... they went out pretty far." she whimpers, "They might not be back today. We're running really low on everything..." then she bites her lip and gets brave "We're practically starving here.""Starving? You? By practically..? You mean... not really." Negan mocks, and Carl steps forwards, closer to Olivia. He hoped it might calm her as she burst into tears, which was frustrating because Carl could tell that Negan really was only messing around.Negan turns around with a small smirk on his face, looking at Carl, "Really? You people seriously don't have a sense of humour." he watched as Negan put his face in his hand and hoped that the man was about to make it up to Olivia like he had when he made fun of Carl's eye. "Excuse me..." Negan finally started, moving back over to Olivia and he seemed genuinely lost for words."What's your name again?" he asked, and Carl frowned, making fun of people when you didn't even know their names was a dick move anyway."Olivia." the hatred in her voice made Carl frown even more, but he didn't speak up."Right... Olivia." Negan said, his voice almost soft enough for Carl not to hear it. Negan put a comforting hand on Olivia and Carl wanted to tell her not to freak out, that the man really thought he was helping, but he didn't know how to say that.Olivia turned around, only surprised by the movement as Negan continued. "I am sorry for having been so rude to you just now. It looks like I'm gonna be here for a while, awaiting your fearless leaders return and if you would like, I think it would be enjoyable... to screw your brains out." Olivia's face changed and Negan continued, apparently unaware, "I mean if it would be agreeable to you."The slap surprised everyone in the room, Olivia most of all. She wasn't even aware of her hand rising until she felt Negan's face against her palm. Carl had to stop himself congratulating her and Negan lost all composure for half a second trying to work out how to react. He leaned closer to Olivia and Carl couldn't hear him but he stood, ready to intervene if it looked like he needed to."Alright..." Negan finally spoke out loud, "I'm just gonna put my feet up and wait for our stuff to get here. Olivia? Would you be a lamb and get me some lemonade? Now I know I left you some of that good powdered stuff.""I-I'm sup-p-posed to be with..." Olivia started and Carl shook his head ever so slightly. To tell her two things, she had to stop because he didn't know about Judith yet and she didn't need to be here because Carl could look after the girl anyway."Make it." Negan growled "Take your time. Make it good.""Alright kid. Take me on a grand tour." Negan grinned and Carl couldn't actually stop himself from smiling a little because Negan seemed genuinely excited.Negan moved around the room they were in slowly, then pulled Carl over to the kitchen and showed him the running water as if Carl didn't know what was going on in his own house. Carl stood silently, watching the man dance around their downstairs area as if it was heaven and then it occurred to him... maybe it was. Negan's place was nice enough, but this was a house. A home.Once they got upstairs Negan took his shoes off and pressed his bare feet into the carpet. Carl glared at him because he was confused but once again he pushed his mind back to where Negan lived, he couldn't remember seeing any carpet at The Sanctuary. Maybe Negan wasn't being that weird after all.He watched Negan go into his dad's room and he didn't follow him, opening his own bedroom door and going in there so that when Negan left his dad's room he wouldn't be inclined to check Judith's room. Carl's theory obviously worked because Negan was soon in his room looking around. The older man picked up a Polaroid from the prison, it was a picture of Lori. The last picture that had ever been taking of her, she was heavily pregnant and laughing over her breakfast. Carl couldn't remember what she was laughing at but it didn't matter."That's mom," Carl said slowly, chewing on his lip and reaching for the picture, grateful when Negan let go of it. He placed it back on the bedside table carefully and went back to watching Negan explore the room. It was when Negan reached for his darts that Carl stood up, not sure if he could bear Negan playing on his dart board since he probably wouldn't miss.He felt the air leave his body as Negan hit the bull's eye and Negan obviously saw him deflate because he shook his head. "Ain't worth nothing." he shrugged, "You'll learn again." and Carl looked away, his eyes falling to the carpet because maybe the man was right... but maybe he was wrong.They were heading down the stairs when Negan spotted Judith's bedroom door and Carl froze. "How about this?" the man raised an eyebrow.Carl answered immediately but it was obvious from the get-go that it was a lie, "Oh... it's just a laundry room.""Are you kidding me kid?" Negan raised an eyebrow and opening the door. He wasn't expecting to see a toddler in front of him and his entire face lit up. "Oh my..." he murmured, he sensed Carl's nervous aura and gave the teenager Lucille, "Look at this little angel." he picked her up and Carl shook his head."Negan..." he said carefully, pulling Lucille behind his back. Part of him knew Judith was safe, that was why Negan had given him the bat right? To prove that he wouldn't hurt Judith, but seeing her in his arms still made Carl nervous."She's safe." Negan cooed to the little girl gently and Carl just nodded, "Now..." the older man rolled his eyes, "It's a nice sunny day. Why is this little girl hidden up here? Let's take her out."
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Out on the porch, in the light of day, Carl's suddenly terrified for his sister all over again. Negan sits in the rocking chair, rocking gently with a giggling Judith and he even took his jacket off to stop it scratching the little girl, but Carl is still uneasy.Negan raises his hand to a man that Carl recognises but doesn't know and says "Hey Neighbour." in a soft voice, so as not to upset Judith. He starts talking about a barbeque and Carl finds himself absent-mindedly wondering if this is what Negan's life was like before the end of the world. If Negan used to sit out on the porch with his family, whether he even had a family.He was brought out of his daydream when Negan finally spoke to him directly, "I was thinking about what you said earlier, Carl... Maybe it is stupid keeping you and your dad alive." the words panicked Carl but the soft way that Negan readjusted Judith tells him he doesn't need to worry right now. "I mean, why am I trying so hard?" he asked, looking into Judith's eyes and adjusting his voice as if he was saying something sweet to her but still talking to Carl, "Maybe I should just bury you both down in one of those flower beds. Then I could just settle in, in the suburbs." Carl doesn't hear the rest of what Negan says, too transfixed on the fact that Negan was kissing his sister's nose.Negan sighed and after a few more minutes of sitting there, he finally got up, "We're all going inside." he announced to Carl. Not that he needed to, Carl would've followed, Negan had Judith.Inside Negan looked between the kitchen and the stairs, eventually deciding to go up the stairs. He handed Judith back to Carl as he went into the bathroom, Carl almost thought about running away as soon as the door was shut and hiding his sister, but the door never shut. Instead, Negan was indicating for him to join him in the tiny room.Negan was giving him a lesson in shaving his beard and it made Carl ill, he didn't want a beard. Halfway through, Carl decided to say as much and Negan turned, pointing the blade towards him as he started to speak before realising that the blade was actually aimed at Judith and pulling his arm back. "You think I'm trying to be fucking cruel teaching you this? Your daddy loves a beard. He ain't gonna teach you shit." he growled, "You don't want a beard. I'm tryna be kind, you arrogant piece shit."Carl just nodded, the realisation that Negan was right washing over him. He felt less sick as he watched Negan shaving, thinking about how if he knew how to shave, he could keep his beard away when it started to grow and he would be far more feminine."Against the grain kid, always against the grain." Negan ended with, drying his face and picking Judith back up, letting Carl follow them out of the room.Apparently not only did Carl need to learn how to shave, he also needed to learn how to cook. Negan used almost 3 days worth of supplies to cook one meal and Carl tried to argue but Negan shut him down, "If the damn president comes to dinner. You make him the best meal possible."Once the meal was cooked, Negan just sat, expecting Carl and Olivia to wait on him. Obviously, there was no reason to argue this and make the man angry so Carl lay the table while Olivia made the lemonade and dished up the food. Then they sat... and they waited. "I'm not waiting for your dad anymore." Negan said and Carl almost grinned because he was so hungry and then Negan ruined it by saying, "I don't know where he is, but Lucille? Is hungry." and Lucille being hungry? Well, that put Carl right off eating."Carl... pass the rolls." Negan asked, and Carl found himself frozen, unable to obey the man's order, "Please?" and at that, Carl had no reason not to give in, so he let himself. He moved to pass the rolls over, hoping no-one would notice his hands shaking.*************************************************Olivia was dead. Carl couldn't quite piece together what had happened. Spencer had come to talk to Negan after dinner, he was dead now. Carl didn't want to think it, but Negan had been right to kill Spencer, he had been a coward. He was a dick anyway.But Olivia? Olivia was sweet and good and... and she had come back into the house where Negan was just to look after his baby sister. Now, she was dead.Rosita. She had shot at Negan. She should be the one that was dead, and Carl hated to think that, but it ran through his mind. Why should kind Olivia be dead if Rosita is the one that caused it? Of course, Carl knew the answer. It was because Negan was smart. Shoot the one who hurt you and people will still come after you, not caring about their own life. When the threat is to someone you care about, that's when it matters.Carl was kneeling next to Olivia's body and all he could think about was the face Negan had pulled when Olivia fell. As if that was the last thing he wanted to happen. He could only think about how Negan's eyes searched the porch, presumably to check that Judith hadn't been there. Hadn't seen that. Carl knew this was Negan's fault, had heard him give the order to kill someone, but he also knew Negan would never have chosen Olivia.The teenager didn't hear anything after that, didn't hear Negan voice his thoughts aloud, that he wouldn't have chosen Olivia. He didn't hear anyone ask if he was okay. He barely even registered them taking Eugene away. He clung onto Olivia's hand as if it was his lifeline. Never noticed them kill Spencer's corpse, didn't notice anything until they tried to take Olivia's body away from him. It was a head shot. She wasn't coming back. It was time to bury her.Carl really didn't realise the gravity of what happened until the next morning. After Tara had bundled him back into the house, after his father had tucked him into bed with a frown on his face. After a night full of broken sleep, that was when his heart stopped being broken and he realised the importance of the day before.
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Abraham is dead. Glenn is dead. Olivia is dead. Daryl is safe. Abraham is dead. Glenn is dead. Olivia is dead. Daryl is safe.The four facts envelop Carl as The Saviours drive through the gates. Carl repeated the little mantra over and over in his head, he needed to. He needed to remember why he hated Negan, needed to remember that the man had killed his friends. He also needed to remember that Daryl wasn't here, he wasn't in danger and he didn't need to do anything stupid to make sure of that.The Saviours piled out of the truck and Simon spoke, but Carl didn't even bother listening. He could see Negan sat in the truck, feet up on the dashboard as he watched the interaction. He heard Simon telling them to buddy up but when a Saviour came over to him and tried to get him to follow, he walked away. He was glad when Negan indicated for the man to let it go as Carl walked over to the truck.The teen took a deep breath and opened the door to the truck, sitting in the seat next to Negan silently. Negan just nodded, not breaking the silence either. Carl was glad that no-one from Alexandria seemed to have noticed his movement, they would probably not let him near Negan. After a moment, Carl pulled his knife out of his pocket and gave it to Negan. The man took it and threw it into the back, then moved Lucille into the back too."He's not here." Carl said after a moment, looking down at his lap."Oh, I know." Negan nodded, a chuckle escaping, "But... I need you guys to know that he can never fucking be here. You cannot have him back. He. Is. Mine." he punctuated each word hitting his palm on the steering wheel. Suddenly, 'Daryl is safe' didn't seem so true.Carl bit his lip, "You swear he's escaped?" he asked, even though he knew the truth, he had seen Daryl already. He knew that the question would throw Negan off, would make him think they really knew nothing. Negan just nodded in reply."Would you..." Carl thought carefully about his next words, "Is there anything we can do to keep him safe?" he asked in a small voice.Negan seemed to think about the question before finally settling on, "Not unless I can have your baby sister."Carl's fists balled up and he let out a low growl, "Shut the fuck up."Negan chuckled, "Thought that might getcha." he murmured, then looked Carl in the eyes, anger seeming to cross his features before he spoke in a calm voice, "Shit. Fine... you want to hear it? I'll take either of Rick's girls."Carl frowned, the man's words made him smile. He hoped it didn't look like he was smiling at the thought of being Negan's prisoner, it was just hearing someone call him a girl like that. "Me?" he said quietly, "If I replace Dare... you'll leave him alone? Forever?"Negan nodded.Carl's heart tore in two, because how was he supposed to make that decision. Daryl was someone he loved, he was family and if he could do anything to save him, he wanted to. He wanted to. That made it worse, he would happily go with Negan... but it would kill his dad. He wasn't scared of the man sitting next to him if anything, he got on with the man. That thought made bile rise in his throat and he just nodded. He nodded in reply to Negan's nod and then he hit the dashboard with his fist."You're an arsehole. You know that?" Negan rolled his eyes, "I gave you a fucking option to save your friend, and here you are... beating up my vehicle.""You're the arsehole and you know that." Carl managed to growl out as his eyes filled with tears."Fine. Let me be even fucking nicer." Negan rolled his eyes, "I'll take you. Won't tell anyone it was your choice and you can say goodbye to your sister." He raised an eyebrow, "Now. Go." he barked at the boy.Carl moved out of the car so quickly that he forgot his knife, he ran all the way to his house and bundled Judith up in his arms. He kissed all over her face until she started to giggle, letting her grab at his hair with her chubby hands, whispering that he loved her and then he put her down. He couldn't find it in himself to actually say bye to her so he just left the room.When he got back out to the gates, everyone was waiting there already and Simon was talking. "If Daryl does turn up, 2 months from now... hell even 2 years from now. Know, there's no statute of limitations on this." Carl frowned, looking to Negan who was already walking over, he hoped to god the man hadn't changed his mind on their agreement."Actually Si..." Negan chuckled, "I hope no-one is upset but I've changed my mind. I don't care where Daryl is. He was getting fucking boring anyway... you know?"Carl took a step towards Rick, fixing a confused look on his face but wanting time to hug his dad when Negan announced that he was taking him.Negan continued, "No... I want someone new." he grinned, picking Lucille up and pointing her around, "Maybe you?" he smirked pointing at Tara, "Hmm... no." he chuckled as Tara visibly relaxed. "You." he pointed Lucille at Michonne and chuckled when Rick started to argue.Michonne stepped back, Rick stepped forwards and Negan rolled his eyes, "Fine, won't take your damn girlfriend." he smirked, "Carl. You're coming.""No." Rick said, grabbing at Carl's arm. Carl sighed and pulled him into a hug, pulling him close.Negan stood for a moment, letting Carl hug Rick but then he pushed Lucille between them, using it to guide Carl to stand next to him. Rick moved forwards to argue but Carl held his hand out, "Dad. It's okay. I'll be okay." he whispered, looking to Negan who smirked and pulled the boy by his wrist back to the truck."Arsehole." Carl whispered once he was sat in the truck next to Negan again. He couldn't look out the window because he knew his dad was either close to tears or actually crying and Michonne would be trying to comfort him. The only comfort Carl had now, was the man sat next to him.Negan just nodded, "Yeah well, it's stopped being your choice now. You're mine."Carl looked across at Negan for a second, "I'll never be yours."Negan chuckled as he drove out of the gates, "Who are you?" he asked with a raise of his eyebrows.Carl didn't reply and Negan rolled his eyes, steering with one hand and using the other hand to raise Lucille to Carl's throat, "I asked you a fucking question."Carl immediately looked out of the window so that the man couldn't see his face crumple in tears before he whispered, "I'm Negan."