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Thinking about it, I probably should have known that asking Brian to play that game would ultimately result in something else. I mean, things are never easy with Brian; and they are seldom what they seem. That is something I learned from the beginning. To my credit, I must say that I really only wanted to have some harmless fun – and yes, I know that harmless is not an adjective one could ever associate with Brian Kinney. I was relaxed, at ease, lying on the bed with Brian, and watching him smoke beside me, my body still tingling after the blowjobs we had just finished giving each other. I just wanted to have some fun that didn’t involve our cocks, for a brief while anyway. How could I imagine what I would discover?
***
“Brian?” I said, smiling in anticipation.
He turned his head and looked at me. I forgot for a moment what I wanted to say because, let’s be honest, Brian’s bedroom eyes could distract a priest from saying Mass! Well…
“You wanted something, Sunshine?” Brian asked after a while, shaking me out of my thoughts – and memories… Wow, was Revered Buttfuck hot that night or what?
“Yep,” I replied, and then sealed my fate. “Let’s play a game!”
“A game,” Brian deadpanned.
“Yes, it’s a game Daphne and I used to play lots of times when we were in school. It’s called ‘Two Truths and a Lie’. Basically,” I continued despite Brian’s look of total boredom, “you tell me three things about you; two have to be truthful and one has to be a lie. I have to guess which one is the lie. Wanna play?” I didn’t give a fuck if I sounded like a kid, I wanted to play that game with Brian. Be careful what you wish for, huh?
Brian only raised an eyebrow.
Sighing, I spoke again, “Come on. I’ll go first, okay? I’ll tell you two truths and one lie, and you’ll guess. Okay?”
Only silence met my words, but Brian wasn’t getting up from the bed and he was still looking at me, so I took it for consent and started the game. “Let’s see… uh… When I was five I kissed my twelve year-old babysitter on the mouth. She was so shocked she fell off the sofa.”
“Is that what made you gay, Sunshine?” Brian smirked, and I laughed.
“Probably.” I replied, grinning. “Okay, second fact: I never stopped wanting you, not for one single hour, from the day I met you.” It was the truth, and it was also possibly the reason why I had been so adamant in playing the stupid game that night: to tell Brian one truth – something involving feelings - that he wouldn’t just shrug off and ignore.
I smiled at Brian, and was surprised at the expression on his face. “Brian?”
“Not even when you were playing boyfriends with the fiddle-fucker?” Brian’s voice was low and dangerous.
I was surprised by Brian’s reaction. Ethan was far from my mind – not from my heart because, to be honest, I doubt he’d ever been there – so far that I hadn’t thought that Brian would think about him. “Not even then, Brian,” I said, leaning in and kissing him. I put all of myself into that kiss, not caring if I was ruining the game. Brian needed to know I was not lying to him about that.
Breaking the kiss, Brian nodded and said, “All right, what’s the third fact?”
“I let Emmett put make-up on me one afternoon. We were bored and he insisted. It was fun… in a weird sort of way. Emmett said Passion red looked good on me.”
Brian seemed at a loss for words, and he looked so shocked that I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I rolled around the bed, laughing like an idiot.
“You little shit! That last one better be a lie!” Brian said, jumping on me and starting tickling me until I begged for mercy.
“It is! I swear! That’s the lie!!” I yelled between intakes of breath. Brian released me, lying back down, and I sat up cross-legged at the end of the bed, facing him.
When I had my breathing under control, I told Brian that it was his turn, and he rolled his eyes. “Don’t you want to do something else, now, Sunshine?” Brian asked, wriggling his eyebrows.
“No, Brian. Your turn.” I was nothing if not resolute. I suppose I was hoping that Brian would use this chance to reveal some important truth, too. If only I had been ready to hear it…
Brian let out a long, suffered sigh, showing me what a hardship it was for him to indulge me, then spoke. “Fine, let’s do this. Remember that gym teacher I told you about?”
“The ‘best shower scene since Psycho’?” I asked.
Brian grinned, seemingly pleased with the fact that I remembered the description so well. He’d be surprised to know how well I remember every little thing concerning him. “That one, yeah. I sucked him off in the shower, remember? Well, he did the same to me. Right there. Took down my chinos and my underwear, and sucked my cock. Worst blowjob ever. I think I came only because I was fourteen years-old and I was already on the edge. What a waste of a first time.”
“I suppose not everyone can be as lucky as I was,” I grinned at him, and Brian grinned back. “Okay, I think that is a truth. Go on.”
Brian’s expression became serious for a moment, and it seemed to me like he wasn’t sure whether or not he wanted to vocalize his thought. I didn’t consider that impression relevant at the time; but I guess Brian’s next words rang too oddly to my ears for me to even consider his hesitation important.
“When you were with the fiddler,” Brian said, “I… Well, one night I hired a hustler. I requested him because he looked like… Well…”
“Brian, you’re so full of shit!” I yelled, interrupting him. “A hustler? You?” I started laughing maniacally. “This is such a blatant lie! I don’t even need you to tell me the third fact, now! This is the lie!” I raised my arms above my head in a winning motion, and briefly wondered why Brian looked so stricken. But a moment after, Brian’s face opened in a smirk and he scrolled his shoulders.
“Okay,” Brian said, “You win. What’s your prize?”
I straddled him, rubbing our cocks together, and proceeded to demonstrate exactly what I wanted as a prize. Brian was more than happy to give me his award. More than once.
***
It wasn’t until a week later that I understood how spectacularly I had fucked up that night.
Daphne and I were at my studio – or, in Brian’s words, ‘the gray hellhole’ – and we were smoking a joint. Daphne was lazily telling me about her latest boyfriend, and I decided to talk with her about the game Brian and I had played.
“What did he say?” Daphne asked me when I told her about Brian’s second statement.
“You heard me, Daph! I mean, how could he even think I would fall for it? A hustler? Brian?”
“It does seem weird that the man who could just snap his finger and have every guy in the vicinity drop to their knees would hire a hustler,” Daphne commented. “But… I don’t know…”
“You don’t know what, Daph?” I eyed Daphne suspiciously. Why wasn’t she laughing? I had expected her to laugh at Brian’s words, as hard as I had.
“I mean, that’s not what he said, is it? Well, it’s not all he said,” Daphne explained.
I stared at Daphne until it hit me. I had inexplicably chosen to glide over the second part of Brian’s statement. I had obviously absorbed the words since I had repeated them to Daphne a moment before, but I hadn’t really thought about them.
Brian’s words echoed once more in my memory. “I requested him because he looked like… Well”
“I’m saying,” Daphne was still talking, oblivious to the turmoil her words had sparked inside me, “that of course Brian could have anyone he wanted without having to pay, but if he should want a certain kind of guy, someone who looked like,” Daphne pointed at me, “he would have to, you know, place an order?”
Only at that moment did Daphne seem to realize what her speech had done to me. It was actually hard to miss since at that point I could feel my mouth hanging open and I knew my eyes were huge.
Had Brian really missed me enough to hire someone who looked like me? Had he requested a blond-haired twink with blue eyes and a round bottom? Had he touched him like he did me? Had he… Why did the mere thought of Brian doing something like that tear me up inside?
I never felt guilty for leaving Brian to go with Ethan. If I was honest with myself, I needed to admit that leaving Brian in front of everyone at the Rage party was humiliating and harsh, but so was seeing Brian fucking the character I created in his image during the party he had organized to celebrate my and Michael’s success! I gave as good as I was getting, and I hurt Brian and myself in the process, but I needed to do it. I needed to live with Ethan, to experience his sweet loving and his betrayal. I needed it to understand that what Brian gave me was all that mattered, and I didn’t need promises or vows that didn’t mean shit. I needed facts.
So, no, I didn’t feel guilty about Ethan, and I knew Brian didn’t expect me to. He understood, and after all, he won, didn’t he? I came running back to him after Ethan fucked me over. I didn’t feel guilty, but it distressed me to know that, by doing what I still thought was the right choice for me at the moment, I hurt Brian so deeply he had to hire a look-alike hustler.
Daphne was looking at me with a concerned expression, and I hugged her. I needed her comfort. We stayed like that for a long time, and I tried to think of a way to apologize to Brian for thinking he was lying without making him close up on me.
***
The lights in the loft were low, but I was immediately able to spot Brian lying sideways on the sofa, reading a magazine. Abandoning my backpack on a stool and shrugging off my jacket, I made my way towards Brian and sat beside his long legs.
I leaned down kissing him softly, then whispered against his lips, “You owe me a lie.”
“Have you been smoking?”
Of course I had, but I had sobered up pretty quickly, too. “Yeah,” I replied to him. “I was with Daph.”
“That always calls for trouble.” Brian smirked, and I rolled my eyes.
“That’s not true, and you still owe me a lie,” I insisted, seriously.
“Are you sure it was pot that you were smoking, Sunshine?” Brian raised his eyebrow inquisitively.
“You tell me. I took it from your stash,” I replied, earning a glare. “Brian, tell me a lie. Please?”
“Why?” Brian asked me, his face now serious and, I believed, a little concerned, too.
I realized it must have been awkward for him hearing me ask - beg - to be lied to, but I knew there was no other way to tell him how guilty I felt for not understanding he was telling me the truth about the hustler. “Because,” I answered, looking straight into his eyes, “you didn’t complete the game the other night. ‘Two Truths and a Lie’, remember? You didn’t tell me the lie.”
“I thought I had, Sunshine. You had all the answers, didn’t you?” Brian replied, sarcastically.
I lowered my head, and wished I could just tell Brian I was sorry. I wished I didn’t know what his answer would be if I did. “Yeah, well,” I said instead, “as it turns out, I don’t know shit. Is that really a surprise?” I finished my sentence with a small smile, and watched Brian snort. “Tell me a lie?” I asked again, even if all I wanted to do was beg Brian to finish what he had started confessing the other night. I had interrupted him before he was able to complete his thought, and now all I could think about was that I’d never know what he wanted to tell me. I knew, though, that the moment was lost, maybe forever, and that nothing could convince Brian to talk about that again.
Brian just looked at me, his hazel eyes boring into mine almost as if Brian wanted to read inside my mind. Then, in all seriousness, he said, “I really have no intention of fucking you tonight.”
My eyes opened wide for a brief while, and then I simply collapsed on top of him, laughing hard. I always thought I couldn’t love Brian more than I already did, and always Brian did something to prove me wrong. A ridiculous lie, told with a serious face and a dead voice, hid so much more if one only knew where to look. It told me that Brian understood I was sorry and didn’t think words were needed to express it; that Brian not only had once again indulged me by finishing the stupid game I had started a week before, but also that he had forgiven me and planned to show me all about his forgiveness in bed that night. It told me that Brian loved me and understood me, and that he knew me better than anyone. A lie. All it took was a lie, and everything else had simply disappeared.
Our relationship is fucked up. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.