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She walks into her bedroom for the first time in months. She flips on the light switch and lets out a sigh as she leaves her luggage on the floor and throws her purse down with it. It feels so good to finally lie down in her own bed. Her fingers run along the material of the covers, which she didn't even bother to get under. As she shuts her eyes, she hums contentedly. It's almost perfect. She’s finally home, and Los Angeles is comfortable. It's quicker-paced than Miami, it's crowded and the air is polluted with smog, but it's been her home for the past six years. She's used to it. It's given her so many memories, and it’s almost more familiar to her than Miami now. Lauren misses Miami. She really does. But her tour schedule is so packed that she's barely made it back to LA for more than a few days in the last year. She likes keeping busy, though. It makes her feel productive, it distracts her from thinking too much, and it keeps her fans happy (for the most part). Her stomach grumbles, making her groan. She considers going grocery shopping, since her kitchen is empty, though is too tired to go out. She isn't in the mood to face the paparazzi on an empty stomach, either. Sitting up on the bed, she reaches to the floor to grab her phone out of her purse. After digging around for a couple minutes, she doesn't find it, and guesses that it fell onto the floor. Her eyebrows furrow in frustration, and she gets on her stomach to lean over the bed and let her eyes sweep over the carpet. It still isn't in sight, so she peeks under the bed and spots it laying right next to the frame. Something else catches her eye, however. There's something pink under her bed, and she thinks she knows what it is. She hesitates, wondering if she should just leave it be and forget about it. But she knows that she can’t, and the next thing she knows she’s on the floor, reaching her arm under the bed to grab the fucking thing. Once she’s got it in her hand, she sits back down on her bed and lets out a heavy sigh. She grasps onto it tightly as her eyes focus on the pink headband. It’s quite dusty from being under her bed for so long, and she brushes it off before letting her fingers trace carefully over the material. She studies the bow that’s attached to it, with its white polka dots, and can’t help but smile a little. It fits it’s owner’s personality so perfectly. She hasn’t seen Camila in months. She misses her, really, she does. She saw her briefly at one of her shows, though the younger girl didn’t stay too long after. She said she was just there to wish her luck. At least she came alone, though. According to Perez, Camila and Michael were in the middle of yet another breakup. It makes Lauren wonder how she is. She was the one who wanted the distance, though she hasn’t stopped loving the younger girl any more than she always has. Camila was always open with her emotions. Even before she expressed them through words, she would always show Lauren through her actions and the looks they exchanged. The brown-eyes girl wasn’t very good at masking her feelings, and it didn’t take too long for Lauren to realise how serious her own feelings were. They both knew they were in love. So why didn’t it work? They’d been given so many opportunities over the years they’d known each other. They had even come so close once. Camila was ready, ready to give her everything and declare her love for Lauren to the world. She let it happen. It could’ve been so easy, but as always, Lauren made it difficult. She couldn’t return the words that Camila told her over and over again. She felt them, and she knew that they were true. She knows that she should’ve held on. What they had was so special, and every memory of Camila is still so vivid in her mind.
“What are you doing, Camila?” she raised an eyebrow as she looked over her shoulder. She was just sitting there behind her, her left hand tracing along her thigh.
“I’m trying to memorise everything I can about you right now.”
“Why, do you plan on going anywhere?” Lauren teased with a smirk.
“No,” she laughed. “I’m just really into this moment. It’s comfortable and you’re here, I’m here, what else do we need?”
Lauren closed the book she was reading and got off her stomach, turning to her side and resting her head in her hand. “Nothing. This is perfect. But if you memorise everything about me, you might get bored too quickly.”
“But that’s just the thing, I’m only taking in everything that you are today. ‘Cause everyone gradually changes, you know?” her eyes studied her to see if she was following.
“I guess,” she affirmed with a nod, then waited for her to elaborate.
“And people always tell each other, ‘Don’t ever change’ or ‘I love you just the way you are,’ and in some contexts, that’s valid. But nobody can really help changing. It happens on a scientific level with our cells, and emotionally, and mentally, ‘cause we’re always learning and growing and adapting.”
Camila took off her headband and brushed her fingers through her hair before she continued to speak, “So you are who you are today, and today I know that I’m in love with you, but tomorrow, there are some parts of you that’ll change and grow, and that’ll continuously happen every following day, and those are more parts of you that’ll I’ll just keep falling in love with. Every day I’m falling in love with someone slightly new.”
Lauren blushed at her words. She couldn’t believe that Camila still had the ability to give her butterflies. She sat up and moved closer to her. Lauren was speechless for the moment, though smiled as she leaned in and placed a hand on her knee.
“And that’s something a lot of people have trouble with, you know? ‘Cause months or even years can pass by and all of a sudden they’re looking at someone that isn’t the same person they fell in love with. They forget that people change, and they’re expecting to be with the same exact person as time passes, but that’s unrealistic. They aren’t being adaptable to change.”
“You are incredibly insightful, Camz.” Lauren looked at her in wonder. She loved when she talked about these philosophical things. Most people just saw her goofy side and her quirks, but Lauren saw so much more. They always called Lauren the intelligent one, but she knew that Camila was even more so. It reminded her of how special she really was to her. Her life wouldn’t be anything like what it currently was without Camila.
Camila took her hand in hers and tangled their fingers together, and for a second she glanced at Lauren’s lips and got distracted, though she wasn’t finished speaking yet. She laughed at the compliment and gave her hand a squeeze. “I’m not afraid of change.” She leaned in to her lips for a quick kiss. “I’m in it for the long haul, for every day of getting to know you better and discovering all the new things that’ll come along.”
A large part of Lauren wanted to tell Camila in that moment that she loved her, but she couldn’t bring herself to voice her emotions. Instead, she reached up to stroke the side of Camila’s face gently. There was still a hint of insecurity in her eyes though, and from the way Camila’s expression changed slightly, she must’ve noticed.
“It’s not that I want you to change, and I’m not asking you to,” Camila assured and shook her head a little. “But I know that you will, eventually. It’s inevitable. That’s exciting, though, to grow with a person, to change with them, and sometimes get some lovely, unexpected outcomes.”
Lauren’s disappointed in herself for the way things turned out. She wasn’t able to give Camila the outcomes she wanted, because she was best at running away. She still is, but wonders if maybe Camila was right about change. It wasn’t too late for Lauren to grow and let go of her insecurities, was it? Holding Camila’s headband in her hands makes her hopeful. What if one more chance was all they needed? Her hands shake slightly as she continues to grip onto the headband, but reaches back down onto the floor with her other hand to pick up her phone. Is she really doing this? Yes. She wants this, and maybe she’s ready. Maybe they’re ready. Lauren takes a deep breath as she scrolls down to her name. Her thumb hovers over a number she’s already memorised. She hesitates a few more moments, but finally taps on the screen. She brings the phone up to her ear and listens to the rings while she looks down at the headband. After a few more rings, she feels her heart sink as she’s greeted with Camila’s voicemail message. She waits for the beep and parts her lips to speak, but her voice doesn’t come out. Lauren sighs and ends the call. She wonders if she’s lying to herself. Maybe they just weren’t meant to be.