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It was the little things.Like Justin's freckles, the little ones he tried to cover up. Or his reddened eyes from smoking or perhaps crying yet, of course, he would always deny that.
It was his smile, the toothy kind, goofy and loveable, and Alex loved it. It was how excited Justin got when he spoke about his favourite things. Like basketball, though Alex wasn't interested in basketball he listened intently.
It was Justin's little things that kept Alex's hopes up. It was the little things.Like the way Alex's fingers strummed his guitar or when the dark roots started to show in his hair again. Or perhaps his tear stained face when his father yelled.
It was his sense of fashion, a cardigan for every outfit. And it was the wristbands, colourful against his pale skin.
It was his laugh, quiet as he tried to hide it yet the most beautiful sound to Justin. It was Alex's coffee choices at Monet's. Forever changing so he could try everything on the menu.
It was just Alex's little things that Justin adored.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Alex narrowed his eyes at the strings of his guitar as they fell out of tempo for the song he was practicing.
How could it be so difficult to play this damn song? He had played it a thousand times and new each chord like the back of his hand.
Yet, lately he couldn't think straight.
His mind wandered, often it was rest in dark places but Alex knew he had to overcome that.
He knew that urge was behind him now. Justin laid back on Alex's bed, his hand covering his eyes and slipping to pinch the bridge of his nose. He had heard Alex play the same tune over and over and over again and they all seemed to sound the exact same to him. But to Alex it was all wrong, every time was different and he was definitely fucking it up more and more each time.
It wasn't often that Justin stayed in Alex's house, usually only once or twice a month if they were lucky.
Alex's father was strict.
Very strict.Alex fell silent for some time, staring down at the cursed guitar and swearing himself out for not knowing the pace and tempo.
Band practice was hell recently, he knew he was slipping and his classmates weren't making it any easier for him.
He pulled the strap over his head and set the guitar down into its case, locking the hatches on it and closing his bedroom window that Justin so expertly climbed through earlier this Sunday morning.The blonde threw himself down beside the brunette, covering his face with his hands for a moment of stress relief.
His brunette boyfriend looked at him for a moment before patting his shoulder.
In the month they had dated they had never said ‘I love you’ or gone public.
Usually because of their parents or the constant teasing they would receive from their friends.
Hell they hadn't even gone as far as cuddling alone where no one could see them.The most, if Alex could recall correctly, they had done was trade cheeky smiles across the cafeteria to eachother. Even then Bryce Walker had passed the ’You smiling at him?‘ comment to Justin, which his impulse was to say no automatically.
It was an odd relationship, but Justin was tightly closeted.
Alex however was already out to his small group.
They were accepting of him, both Hannah Baker and Jessica Davis were just happy they were the first he came out to. The soft patter against his window snapped Alex out of his thoughts as he looked out at the grey sky, rain splashing against the glass.
The weather was as unpredictable as his mood. "Justin," Alex started, a new fear building in his stomach.
The brunette turned to the bleach haired boy, cocked an eyebrow in response before looking back down at his phone, replying to Bryce's text."Yeah, Alex?" Justin questioned but Alex didn't even know what he wanted to ask.
Perhaps he just wanted to hear Justin talk to him.
Perhaps he was lonely because Hannah and Jessica had decided to go to the movies together.
Without him. "Do you want to stay for the night?
I, mean, well, it's already getting kinda dark and late and,
Well, Bryce lives pretty far." Alex was practically tripping on his words.Why was he inviting Justin to stay over when his dad would be home soon? Why would Alex think that was okay? Did he really want to be yelled at that bad?
No, but he loved Justin."Your dad's cool with me staying in your room?" Justin gave a dorky grin, soft laughter lines showing themselves. "Well,
No.
But he's not here tonight so why not?"
Lies.
Alex had lied.
Was he really this desperate for Justin to stay with him?
Or perhaps he thought that Justin would sleep with him?
Needless to say.
Justin was fine with both. Alex gave a small smile, something he often didn't show off,
And with that he pulled up his laptop and browsed through movies that he could watch.
Just old ones, they were better in his opinion.
The black and white was captivating and the crappy acting was always amusing to him.
But he knew Justin didn't like old movies.
Justin however would suffer through an hour of Caplin for Alex.Perhaps even two if he was lucky. Because it was the little things about Alex he loved.
His fascination with old movies and sad music and his almost poetic speech.
He was amazing.
Justin loved every bit of him, his voice, God that voice!
Justin could listen to that damn voice on repeat for weeks.
The bullring hooked into his septum was beautiful, something that topped off his face perfectly, complimenting his blue eyes that could hold the world. And his lips,
Justin was in over his head. He loved them and all he wanted to do was to kiss that boy so hard he was dizzy.
But he was nervous, what would happen if that was too fast for Alex?
Justin definitely did not want to lose this one. Not after the time he had wasted on Jessica and Hannah in the past.Justin was snapped from his thoughts by the start of intermission one of Alex's movie, to which he scooted up to Alex's side and carefully slung his arm over Alex's shoulders.
The blonde took it was an invitation to nuzzle closer to the brunette and stayed close to the other boys chest.
His heart thumping rapidly beneath his overly large sweater whilst Justin just relaxed a bit and trained his eyes on the other boy rather than on the movie before him. Because it was the little things.Like Alex's smile when the movie lit up his face, his eyes squinting slightly with sheer happiness, and Justin loved it. Because it was the little things.Like the sound of Justin's heart when Alex was this close to him.
And the two hours of stillness that Justin hardly controlled but he did it for Alex.
And Alex was always grateful.Always.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
For a moment Justin was lost in thought until Alex fell asleep on his arm. By now the movie was long over but Justin couldn't get the laptop off the bed without his other arm so he settled for a moment.How often did Alex fall asleep this late while watching crappy movies from the 80's? The deep black-blue tints under Alex's eyes said often. Justin wriggled, slipping his arm from around Alex's shoulders and moving the laptop off the bed quietly. Was he supposed to stay in Alex's bed? He thought so as he slipped in beside Alex again and took a single moment to carefully decide his next approach.He wrapped his arms around Alex's waist and stomach and just hugged him tight. The brunettes form easily fitting around the other boys smaller form. Justin's heart was pounding, hard, against his chest. Like at any moment it would burst.But he stayed because he liked it.He liked Alex.His head fell to bury his face at the crook of the blondes neck. His nose cozying into the others neck as Justin felt Alex's breath hitch for a moment before falling steady.Justin counted the seconds between the breaths Alex took. Watching as his chest rose and fell in rhythm. Justin felt weird,Nothing how their legs tangled together now under the bed sheet and he quietly wondered if Alex was actually awake.When checking he realised his accusation was false as he had no lead, but smiled as Alex's top lip twitched in his sleep.A quirk Justin loved. Justin normally would have fallen asleep by now if it wasn't for the terrible aching he was feeling yet he stayed quiet. Alex was asleep and it would be weird of Justin to do anything around him.So he stayed still and just spooned with his lover in hopes of getting some sleep. And then,The front door unlocked. Justin looked at Alex's door. Was his father not away this evening? Had Alex actually lied? Justin felt a sense of panic, no of course Alex wouldn't lie about his father?No, he would never do that. But Alex's door slammed open at the same time Alex shot into a sitting position and shoved Justin off his bed.Justin sat up from his new place on the ground only to lock eyes with Mister Standall.A menacing looking man with piercing eyes and a judging glare, his nostrils flared as he examined the brunette. "What are you two doing?" His voice lingered in the air, ultimately making Justin very uncomfortable."Nothing, sir!" Alex's voice was off, wavering between unsure and terrified for his life. Hell, how couldn't he be? This man terrified even Justin. The unscareable.Or so he thought until he met Mister Standall.He had really taken what Alex told him about his father half heartedly as now Justin was trying to resist the urge to run as his fight or flight instinct kicked in."You two sleepin' together?" The hard voice came again and Justin couldn't tell if it was a man or a lion talking. It lingered in the open, Justin pondering the question."No, sir! Justin just needed a place to stay for the night and-" Alex was cut off by the mighty roar."Bullshit! He has a home himself! Can't he stay there?!" Justin flinched, seeing Alex slip a little further back from his father, his head hitting the wall behind his bed as he desperately tried to make himself smaller."Mist-Sir. My mother isn't in the country right now and I've been staying at a friend pl-House.But Alex and I decided to hang out and watch a film for a while." Justin made up the biggest amount of crap on the spot, hoping that he could get himself and Alex out of this awkward situation.Mister Standall stared down the brunette as if he shouldn't have opened his mouth and Justin immediately regretted what he said."Make sure you're out in the next ten minutes." The adult slammed the door after himself and Justin was relieved.Especially when he say the visible fear leaving Alex's face. Now he knew what Alex had meant. Now he knew what Alex was going through. "I'll go,I don't want you getting in anymore trouble." Justin snorted and opened Alex's window, slipping out onto the ledge. Alex got up and took some shaky steps to the window so he could close it after the jock.It was freezing but Justin knew that taking the road back to Bryces in the cold was far better than getting his boyfriend in trouble. Justin gave Alex a smile before glancing down at Alex's lips which had been pulled back into an unhappy expression. And that's when Justin pressed his own lips to Alex's, something he would never do in public.At least not now.But Alex loved every bit of this kiss.The feeling of his taboo lovers lips on his was heavenly.Justin's hand brushed over Alex's cheek lightly, trailing through his hair for a moment before the two parted and Justin got ready to leave."Thank you-" Was the only words Alex could muster up. "Thank you too." Justin grinned before climbing his way down and leaving whilst Alex just looked up at the sky with reddened cheeks.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Getting the bus was always agony for Alex. The restless teasing never seemed to stop and since the time he went over the speed limit in the extreme his father banished him from driving. Walking was the same. He would always run into Monty and it would always go down badly. Alex wasn't weak but he wasn't as strong as those guys either. He remembered the time Monty had punched him till he saw red and all Alex wanted was for Justin to help him for the love of god.But Justin never did. Justin always turned a blind eye to save his reputation in a school of assholes. It was terrible for them both but Alex just wanted his boyfriend to help him. God how he wished Justin could jus-He was snapped from his thought when his dad stopped the police car and turned to his son. "Go ahead, enjoy school." He said, his eyes narrow as Alex opened the door and got his guitar."Thank.. sir." He shut the door and pulled his bag a bit more up on his shoulder. He exhaled heavily and took a minute to keep his breath steady and even. He felt trapped and knew there was no way he was going home. "Hey, Standall." Great. Monty approached him and Alex felt the impact of his knuckles against Alex's nose. The pain seared through him as he felt the cartilage break, the guitar hit the ground with a loud thud.Alex hadn't even done anything and he was already getting the crap kicked out of him. Alex steadied himself, not like it mattered because Monty was already throwing another punch at him and forced him to the ground harshly. His face made immediate contact with the concrete as he winced in pain. His ribs practically bouncing off the pavement and his heart pounding in his chest. Was there even a point in fighting back. He pushed himself up with shaky arms and saw the new formed circle of mobile phones and screaming girls surrounding them. And then he saw Justin, sitting with Bryce on the back of the truck and looking down at him with a clenched jaw. Visible purple marks peeping from the sides of his jacket collar and a burning rage gathering in his eyes. And then he got up and shoved through the crowd, pushing Monty back from Alex and punching him right in the gut. Once Monty had hit the ground and swore a string of "fuck you Justin" and "what the fuck, Foley."'s Justin kicked him square in the ribs. Alex was practically waiting to get hit again but sat up a bit with the aid of Justin. Blood was already dropping from his nose and the corner of his mouth while Justin helped him off to Bryces truck. The circle cleared off and Monty walked off in a sulking state, eyeing Justin with a furious glare while Alex cleaned himself up before storming off, leaving behind a series of 'I had it' and 'Don't bother next time''s. Alex needed an escape. An escape from everything and if that meant killing himself over this stupid ass life he would do it. He sat down in the library and stared down at some sheet music. The upbeat notes mocked him and that's when he remembered the guitar. That blasted guitar that had probably shattered. He didn't care, nor did he care about his bag that had been left outside during the intense fight. Alex was done and he didn't care anymore. Everything was bleak and dull as it had been before. "Male." A woman sat down in front of him, his eyes left the sheet music to glance at her. "Female." His voice was almost a whisper as he spoke to one of the females from the original 'F.M.L club' Jessica and him didn't speak. At least not often. "What's up?" Hannah looked at the music in front of him, it was practically gibberish but she took interest in his interests. "The sky, the ceiling, the beat of this song." Alex's voice came rather smug and a little sarcastic but Hannah didn't mind. "I mean what's really up, I saw what happened outside and I've noticed you've been kind of.. different lately." That caught Alex's attention. He lifted up his head to meet her gaze before he teared up. "No.. I'm alright, thanks Hannah." She grabbed his wrist as he got up to leave. "Sit down, Male. I'm getting the other female and we're fixing it. F.M.L forever right?" But Alex didn't want to see Jessica.Not after the incident that happened between them. But Hannah didn't give him room to decide as she got up and went to find Jessica. Alex was impatient and nervous, his leg doing small bounces as he bacame jittery. He was nervous of Jessica? No. He was Alex Standall. He wasn't nervous of her. That was idiotic. Hannah didn't waste time and came back with Jessica for a new F.M.L meeting. Jessica seemed unhappy to see Alex but sucked it up for now. Alex was absentminded in this whole situation until the chairs pulling in reminded him of reality. "Alex Standall, Jessica and I are here for you entirely so long as you don't touch that list again." Hannah announced with confidence in her voice."It'll be like last year all over again! F.M.L is back together..Right?" Hannah grinned and looked between the two who stared eachother down.If looks could kill they would both be murderers."F.M.L." Jessica set her hand down in the middle of the table."F.M.L." Hannah joined as they both stared at Alex, their eyes encouraging him to stick his hand in and forget all about what happened last year to this friend group.And he was fine with that."F.M.L." A small smile rested on his face as he placed his paler hand over their much smaller hands. "Meeting at Monet's tomorrow. Don't be late." Hannah smiled happily, Alex was half up to it and half up to lying down in bed all day. He even considered faking illness to his father to stay home just so he didn't have to face Monty and a baseball bat tomorrow. Jessica passed Alex his bag which he hadn't actually seen her come in with."Oh-Thank you.Female." He answered awkwardly yet gave her a small yet genuine smile."We couldn't save the guitar.We're so sorry." Hannah consoled him for a moment. Alex didn't even care. He was just glad he actually had friends who didn't force him to chug a bottle of alcohol in less than 15 seconds.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
After school the same day Alex left class as normal only to be greeted by the two ladies waiting for him.He took a deep breath. He was going to tell them today and then he couldn't go back from it. His mind was made up. The walk was silent and the tension between Alex and Jessica could have been cut with a knife. His eyebrows pulled together just as they stopped at the door to Monet's.His stomach dropped and a sense of sickness washed over him. He couldn't tell them. He couldn't trust them. Not at all.But he was and he did.He ordered a iced-coffee, something plain to match his appearance. Plain. The only eccentric or 'out there' part of him was his hair and the brown roots were already coming back anyway. He remembered the other girls orders, always a hot chocolate each. Always.They took their drinks and their seats and a new silence settled. A heavy one, the type that lingered and suddenly Alex was thinking about that night in his room with Justin. "Earth to male" a pair of manicured fingers clicked in his face for a moment and he looked up. "Yeah, sorry, just thinking. What did you say?" He asked, his blue eyes piercing Jessica's before looking at Hannah."I said what's up." Hannah smiled kindly, a hand resting over his, followed by Jessica's over Hannah's."I've.. been kinda weird lately." He admitted which Jessica snorted in return to."I haven't been myself.. or been comfortable being myself." Alex spoke, the words like acid hanging from his tongue. "Like..?" Jessica encouraged him to talk more."Like I've wanted to not be me. I've wanted to..die even. Just something that gets me away from here." Alex looked up at the shocked faces of the two girls, as if he had just told them he had a crush on the dullest girl in school. "Alex.." Hannah's voice came quiet."That isn't funn-" "It's not a joke." He cut her off. He knew it must have sounded insane to them but to him it was an average idea. Throwing himself from a building or knocking back as many pills as he possibly could, perhaps drowning 'accidentally' or even running his car off the road and making it look like an accident.These were the constant ideas in Alex's head. But never had he acted on them. Not yet.Jessica stared at him, her lips parted only slightly to show her teeth. "Alex.. why didn't you say something?" Jessica's voice wavered as she spoke, stumbling on her words momentarily. "We're going to help you. Through anything that you need help with." Hannah assured him."I might as well come clean then, I'm also Bisexual and dating a guy from our school." He debated on naming Justin but ultimately decided not to out him. Not now. "Shut up, are you serious?" Jessica smiled, as though he hadn't just said he wanted to kill himself. "One hundred percent serious." He rolled his eyes for a moment but returned her smile partially.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Bryce pried at Justin intensely, though he did say he was 'Just teasing'. But, Justin didn't find it very funny. Bryce bothered him, especially after the incident after the party which no one spoke about. But even if Bryce was just teasing, it hurt Justin all the same.
His throat was scratchy and his eyes slightly reddened as his lips formed the perfect line whilst scanning Bryces face harshly.
His mother was back with 'Meth' Seth. The same guy who despised Justin for no other reason than the fact he just could. Justin's throat practically burned at even the thought of Seth's shaky hands closing tightly around it. Justin's eyes burned yet he blinked back tears. "Hey buddy, you don't look too good?" Bryce finally said, his smile fading and an actual sense of sympathy washed over his expression as his eyes connected with Justin's absentminded gaze. Justin looked at him, snapping out of whatever daze he had been residing in. He shook his head and rubbed at his eyes before looking back at Bryce with pursed lips. He dismissed it silently, fearing that his voice would fail him if he tried to talk so he just took a swig from the bottle that rested between his fingers and prayed to forget about home.
But Bryce battled the bottle out of his hand and set it down in the back on his truck, seriousness now replacing sympathy. "Justin, tell me what's going on dude." Bryce said at last, pressing his weight against the back of the truck and cocking an eyebrow at the basketball player. Justin opened his mouth to respond but his throat stung like a thousand needles pressing against it. He fought through it as best he could though his voice still broke as he spoke. "Mom's back with Seth." He simply stated, earning a sharp inhale off Bryce and having his eyes shoot up to scan Bryces face. "Meth Seth?" "Yeth" Justin spoke, curling his tongue. Bryce shook his head a bit and handed the bottle back to him. "Sucks dude, my house is always open if you need it." Bryce reassured him but Justin couldn't go back to that place again, even being inside the doors of Bryce Walkers house made him want to cry. Just seeing how perfect Bryces family were, How well off they had become. It sickened him."Nah dude, I have a place to stay." Justin reassured in turn, but that was a lie. He didn't know if Alex could let him stay around so much especially with his dad being home lately. "New girlfriend?" Bryce raised a brow with interest, the corner of his lip turning up into a side smirk. "No." Justin sipped at the bottle once again before throwing it away and listening to the glass shatter against the pavement. "Not again." Meanwhile,
Jessica spoke loudly and proudly about her place as the school cheerleader, causing Hannah to laugh and nod along with her but they had lost Alex's attention the first time she mentioned Bryce.
Alex traced his finger around the cup of coffee settling before him, his breath coming softly yet slowly against the air, the faint smell of coffee lingering with every breath. "What about you Alex?" Hannah suddenly asked, snapping Alex out of his thoughts and causing him to perk up awkwardly and look between the two girls."I.. well.. what was the question?" Alex asked, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck out of nervousness. "Jessica is wondering if we're going to the dance, I was just wondering if you were." Hannah smiled a little, a welcoming smile yet one Alex never saw much lately. "Probably not, Isn't it like a couples thing?" Alex shuddered at the idea of him walking in there with Justin and everyone staring at them
Uncomfortably. He could vividly imagine the whispers that would be passed around so quickly and Justin's social life? That would definitely plumet.
Not so much for dating a boy,
But for dating Alex.