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No one realized, that Lance wasn't ignoring them on purpose, that he couldn't help it."Lance, you're deaf?"-three years earlier-Lance woke up to the burning sensation of freezing cold water, and the feeling lingered on his morning fresh skin. He could tell that Mrs. Parvati was giving him a lecture on his late awakening, but it wasn't his fault that the yelling from his so called siblings and the roosters in the pen didn't wake him up. He turned to face the hot-headed woman, reading her lips with nearly perfect accuracy."Hurry up and get to work, or no food until dinner, you useless piece of shit." She growled, or at least that's how he imagined it."Yes, ma'am" He replied with nearly perfect pronunciation.You see, his real mama and papa did a pretty darn good job of teaching him to speak, despite his disability, and he wasn't going to let their previous efforts go to waste. He sat himself up and rubbed at the fresh bruises and cuts covering his arms. His foster mother definitely wasn't going easy on him, but his foster-father was the real issue. He slid on a three sizes too large sweater and a two sizes too small pair of shorts, which showed off his already too thin legs. They were steadily growing thinner, he began to realize. The only issue was whether or not his caretakers noticed, or cared.He dragged himself down the stairs that led up to his "room". They called it a room, but Lance knew it probably used to be a pantry or something. He put on a pair of slippers that were too muddy for their own good, and headed to feed the chickens. As he was refilling the feeder, he felt a slightly larger hand rest on his shoulder, and jumped with surprise. He turned his head to see his older "brother", Chase, looking at him with a disgusting look in his eyes. Suddenly, Lance felt the need to run.Lance could handle plain old physical abuse, he wasn't okay with it, but he could handle it. But rape? That's a no. He probably made it about two feet before his brother caught him."You're not going anywhere," Lance was able to read, but he didn't want to know the rest.The hands tracing his skin felt disgusting, even more so than the, what he hoped was dirt, that he was laying in. They traced over his chest, thighs, and backside, but eventually found their place between his legs. Then he felt something that he knew wasn't a hand, and for the first time, he was happy he couldn't hear, because he definitely did not want to hear the disgusting sounds he knew he was making.When it was finally over, Chase zipped up his pants and left without a word. Lance used the inside of his shirt to wipe the blood and cum off his trembling body, and proceeded to exit the pen. Luckily, his neighbor just happened to notice his sorry state through the fencing, and immediately called the police. Only minutes later, Lance was being removed from the household, unable to hear the relentless yelling coming from his caretakers.Lance answered all the questions they had, and was told to use the shower they had in the facility. Once he walked in, he immediately noticed the razor that was laying in the cupboard, along with the soap and shampoo. That was the first time he ever cut himself, long slits against his skin, red running away through the drain. He made sure only to cut his thighs, a place he knew that no one would check. After all, he hadn't told anyone about the rape, only the abuse.A few days later, he was introduced to Mr. and Mrs. Shirogane, his new caretakers. They looked nice, but all of them had looked nice, and they never were.
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After the papers were signed and the introductions were finished, Lance was put into the back seat of a car and headed to his new home.To his surprise, this house actually looked... welcoming? That was a new feeling for Lance, but he decided to stifle the ache in his heart because it reminded him too much of mama and their home back on Veradera beach. He shuffled his to the entrance, hesitating before stepping foot into the household, Mr. and Mrs. Shirogane following close behind. He noticed a boy about the age that Chase was and began to panic slightly, but he was getting used to putting up a façade.It was hard to keep up with the conversation though, especially when people began talking over each other. God, this was complete bullshit. As much as he wanted to collapse on the bed of his new room, he knew he was going to have to attempt at a conversation."So, Shiro, why don't you show your new brother to his room?""Sure thing. Please follow me, Lance." Shiro said with an expression Lance could describe as nothing other than reassuring.Before anything else, Lance was just surprised to hear his actual name. He had grown far too used to things like "Piece of shit", or "Baggage", or "Mistake" for it to be considered healthy. He started to think that maybe this place wouldn't be too bad after all, but he wasn't going to decide such a thing so quickly, especially after receiving something so insignificant as a proper name.Shiro brought Lance into a average sized room at the end of the hall that led to the living room. The bed was pushed against the baby blue painted walls on the far left side. There was a dresser across from the bed on the far right side, placed so it was facing the end of the bed, and oh my God, there was a tv on the dresser. Okay, maybe this place was a little better than expected. He turned to face Shiro, excitement almost evident on his tanned face, before he noticed a new figure enter though the doorway, at least he thought he noticed.As expected, Shiro turned his head swiftly and began to leave the room, but not before telling Lance to make himself comfortable. Lance really hadn't brought much, and didn't quite have enough motivation to unpack his limited belongings, so he decided to follow Shiro out of the room. When they entered the living room, Lance was proved correct because yep, someone new was here. And he had a... mullet? Who has a mullet these days? At the very least, it wasn't the worst mullet he had ever seen, but still."This is our neighbor, Keith" Shiro said, smiling.Keith looked about Lances age, and he looked angry too. Lance wondered if he always looked like that. "Who is this?""This is my new brother Lance. He just came today, so be nice." Shiro clapped his hands in amusement, looking like he had an idea. "Hey, maybe you two could hang out sometime. You know, become friends."Friends, huh? Lance had never really had any friends, and he wasn't planning on making any either. Seems like Keith had the same idea."Uh huh, sure. Anyways, my sister said she needs help with her ......" Keith stated, but Lance couldn't quite make out that last word."Ah, okay. Lance, please make yourself at home. You're welcome to anything in the fridge, except for the jello with the sticky note on it, that's Alluras." Shiro said while putting on his shoes, getting ready to leave."Um, Shiro?" Lance managed to spit out before he left, he couldn't hold it anymore."Yes?""Where's the bathroom?"
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A few days later, Lance was being introduced to Pidge and Hunk, Keith and Shiro's friends that lived next door. Lance tried not to get too close to them though, because the more they hung out, the more they would talk. And the more they would talk, the more they would notice that Lance wouldn't reply unless they were facing him. But hey, maybe they would just think he was an asshole? Yeah, probably not.It went fine at first, and he was somehow managing to successfully evade conversations, only leaving the comfort of his room for food, water, or a bathroom break. Lance was beginning to feel kinda bad for being such an asshole, but it's not like he could help it. His life was shit anyways. Turns out he wasn't the only one.When Lance finally exited the room, for maybe the second time that day, he saw Keith walking towards his room, looking troubled. Lance was beginning to panic. Yeah, he could handle Pidge and Hunk and Shiro bugging him, but Keith seemed a little more hot headed, a little easier to piss off. Okay, a lot easier.He stopped right in front of Lance, and Lance braced himself for whatever was to come, but was only met with four words."Can I come in?"
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After seated on the bed, and a few minutes of silence, Lance finally brought up the courage to strike a conversation after reconciling himself."So, what did you want?" He asked in the most friendly manner he could manage, without being able to hear himself."No, um... I was just wondering if you were okay. I know... I know it's hard being moved from place to place, and-""What would you know?" Lance spat, and he cringed slightly at himself because he knew that didn't come out quite right, and was slightly surprised at his own sudden outburst.Keith looked taken back for a moment, before calming himself, looking angered yet worried and understanding."I'm- I was an orphan too," Keith had said, "So I do know what it's like. I know sometimes we get stuck with abusive parents and shit siblings and we don't get fed and we have trouble sleeping sometimes because it just hurts so damn much to think that no one with ever love us," he paused for a moment catching his breath, before continuing, "But I wanted to tell you that the Shiroganes are wonderful people, frighteningly so, and I think they more than deserve a chance at becoming your real parents."Lance was surprised, to say the least. Surprised that Keith was an orphan, surprised that Keith was trying to help him, and surprised that he was able to comprehend more than half of what he was saying, because damn, this kid talked fast. And then Lance laughed, for the first time in what felt like forever. Laughed because here he was wallowing in self pity, forcing others to tell him that it was okay, laughed because Keith, the one he least expected, was the one who was here, telling him that it was okay. The laugh began to feel more and more forced, and Lance was beginning to feel hot tears prick at his eyelids, because this was the first time someone had ever attempted to console him since mama died and fuck, it felt good.Before Lance was able to say anything, Keith lounged at him, and wrapped his arms around his slim frame. Now Lance couldn't hear Keith, but he was almost 100% sure that he was whispering it's okay into his ear on repeat, like a broken record, until Lance was able to stop shaking.When they were finally able to separate, there was only one thing Lance could think to say."Thank you."
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Lance had finally decided to stop trying to fake his way out of relationships and began to grow closer to the people around him. In the short few months he had been here, he had learned that Hunk gives the best hugs, Pidge is a fucking genius, Shiro is more than just reassuring and responsible, and Keith, well Keith is still a madman, acting purely on impulse, like some freaky wild animal/person hybrid thing, and Lance was okay with that.Lance had gone over to Hunk and Pidges house on multiple occasions and they were quickly becoming best friends. They all laughed at his shitty puns and sad attempts at flirting with Allura. They were surprised at how good he was at math, too. Homework became something to look forward to, surprisingly.But more importantly, Lance was starting to smile again. Not a fake smile, but the one he used to have when he was with his family, and it felt great. yet for some reason, there was a feeling deep inside him that he was having trouble ignoring, but he would leave that to figure out another time.
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Lance had been living with the Shiroganes for a little over a year now, physical wounds had stopped itching from beneath his skin, and he was finally growing accustomed to thinking of his caretakers as something more along the lines of parents. Everything seemed fine. He was getting along with the neighbors, more specifically Hunk and Pidge, he and his brother were beginning to feel more comfortable with each other, and he and Keith had quite a few more bonding moments, which had cause Lance to realize just how damn pretty Keith was. But for some reason, one that Lance hadn't been able to find, he had a feeling inside him that wouldn't go away. It was like a sickening mixture of sad and unmotivated, one that made you feel more than a little upset. It wasn't a good feeling. Lance wanted it to go away, but it wasn't showing any sign of leaving. He started anxiously tapping on things more, biting his lip without realizing, and felt himself on the verge of tears during more than one occasion. It was progressively getting worse, he had noticed, and it was starting to effect his life. Concentrating during classes or when people were talking was a struggle, and this was even more of a problem because he sat in the front for every class, and because he had to read lips to get by, teachers had noticed that he hadn't been paying them the attention they were used to as well. He was doing a remarkably good job of hiding it from his friends and family though, that much he could say. Sure, sometimes they asked him if he was getting enough sleep, or if he was sick, but the conversations never drifted to the topic of how he was feeling.Lance finally decided it was time to get out of bed, at the very least. He had been laying there for a total of six hours. He remembered randomly waking up at the ungodly hour of 4 am, and has been staring at the ceiling ever since. He dragged himself towards the kitchen, not wanting to speak to anyone, or speak in general either. On his way to the kitchen, his gaze drifted towards the bathroom. He didn't know why, but he felt the need to enter the room.He looked around, noticing all the little details. The wallpaper was starting to peel near the ceiling, the sink needed cleaning, the mirror was chipped in the upper right corner, but otherwise, the room was well kept. He continued to look around until he noticed the familiar silver glint of the razor. He'd only ever done it once, and the memory was still hazy. He picked up the razor and twirled it in his fingers.
Will this really help me?
Is this really going to make everything okay?
Lance hadn't quite found his answer yet, but before he was able to realize what he was doing, he had brought the blade up to his forearm, and made a quick slash. Blood began to pool up in little dots before sliding over his skin, and soon, one became two, and two became three, and by the end of it, he had five dripping slashes decorating his tan body.He felt like he was in a trance, still dazed by the overwhelming sensations he was feeling. Sure, it hurt like hell, but it still gave him a sense of satisfaction. He felt like he finally had something to ground himself, and fuck it felt good.Once he snapped out of it, he immediately noticed the blood beginning to dry on the tiles. Panic began to overflow even more so when he realized when he forgot to lock the door, and because of his disability, he wouldn't have been able to tell if someone was coming, or already came, even though if someone saw him, they probably wouldn't have just left. He locked the door before he began to dampen a paper towel from the roll that was stored underneath the sink and scrub the blood off the floor.After the mess was cleaned, he disposed of the evidence, flushing the towel down the toilet. He turned to the cupboard next to the sink and wrapped up his cuts with gauze. Once he finished, he peaked his head out of the door and sprinted to his room. Right as he was about to enter his room, he felt a large hand rest on his shoulder. He swiftly turned his head, and saw Shiro standing behind him, his eyes fixated on Lances."Jeez, are you deaf or something? Don't you want breakfast?" He asked, innocently.Lance cringed slightly at the wording, but that wasn't important right now.
Oh thank God, he didn't see.
"Um... Yes! I'll be right there!" Lance nervously said as he slowly moved his arms behind his back, trying not to draw too much attention. "I'll be right there, I just need to grab my phone really quick, I think I heard a notification! Pidge probably needs something again! Or Hunk, or maybe Keith, my boy. That would be weird but you never know!""Ah... okay" Shiro replied, with a confused expression. "Hurry up though, mom's worried about your food getting cold.""Yessir, right away sir!" Lance said in what he thought would sound like a joking manner, then he stepped right into the room and shut the door a little too hard.He rushed himself to put on a long sleeved shirt and grabbed his phone. To his surprise, he did have a text. It was from Keith.
Fire Lord
Hey, you want to come over later? I just got Final Fantasy 14
Sir Lancelot
Yeah sounds good. C u there in a few. Gotta have brekfast first
Andddddd.... send
Lance stuffed his phone into the pockets of his sweats, and rushed to the kitchen, adrenaline still rushing throughout his body. He ate his breakfast in record time, hardly sparing a "Hi, mom!", or "Good morning, dad", and quickly rushed to the front door, sliding his shoes on. As he was about to leave, he turned his head to see if anyone was talking. Nope."Bye mom, dad, I'm off to Keith's!" And he left the moment he said it.As he began walking down the road, his mind started wandering. What if someone saw his arms? What if someone decided to tell everybody at school and people started to beat him up again? What if he got r-, no, now's not the time to think about that. Now was the time to go play video games with Keith. Even though he knew Keith would get angry at him for sucking so bad due to having to watch Keith 75% of the time, checking for any sign of a conversation, he still enjoyed being with Keith. And Hunk, and Pidge, and Allura too. They were all nice, and Lance felt undeserving of them, but he carried on, pretending to be confident and happy, for their sake.When he arrived at his destination, the door opened before he had the chance to knock. It was Allura, and she looked tired."Keith is in his room... he's... uh.... Oh! He's waiting for you.... so you guys can... play that... game? Yeah game..." She said, struggling to get the words out. "Sorry... I'm studying for a.... test.. and it's really... tiring..."Lance entered the house and headed to Keith's room, but suddenly got an idea, and a huge grin took over his face."Allura! You could call Shiro, he's pretty good at studying, and some other things too!" He shouted slyly.Before Allura could strike back, Lance slammed the door to Keith's room and locked it. He then turned to Keith, who as Allura had mentioned, looked really excited. And shit, he looked cute too. That expression quickly shifted to one of worry, and Keith spoke up soon after."Lance, why are you bleeding?"
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"Lance, why are you bleeding?"The words struck Lance like a bullet, straight through the heart. Five simple words tore down the dams he spent so long building. He felt the water beginning to trickle through the seams, dripping slowly with a sense of calm before the flood began. And then it was gone, the wall he used to protect himself was laying in pieces right before him, and he couldn't do anything about it.And then it was warm, like the sun had finally crawled out from beneath the thick layer of clouds that were covering it. Lance finally opened his eyes to realize that Keith was hugging him, holding him, not letting go even for a second, and it felt so fucking good. But luckily, he still had a few sticks sitting in the pool of water beneath him, and he knew damn well he wasn't going down without a fight.The two boys held each other a little longer than necessary, knowing it was time to separate but not wanting to quite yet. Eventually, Lance pushed himself away from Keith, trying to process the situation."I'm sorry, Keith..." Lance finally managed to say.Keith was silent for a moment. Lance started to grow uneasy, his eyes drifting to gaze at anything other than Keith."Why did you do it?" Keith asked, and his gesture was returned with silence.Lance continued to stare at the bed, concentrating on the pattern decorating the blanket and pillow cases. Through the corner of his eye, he could see Keiths lips moving. He allowed his gaze to drift towards Keiths, and concentrated on his mouth, trying to make out words through his wet and blurry vision."Lance! Please... tell me why?" Keith spoke, with an expression"I... I don't know." Lance paused and took a step back. "I-I mean, I can't tell you, at least, not right now."What do you mean? Lance? You know you can tell me anything, right?""I know... just... not right now. Please." Lance stated more than asked. Then he proceeded to leave the room, Keith not bothering to follow him.
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Lance ran home and immediately to his room, closing the door as quietly as he could behind him. He sat down at the edge of his bed and stared numbly at his wrists. What was he thinking? That he could solve all this problems by slicing a few pathetic fucking lines into himself? God, why was he so stupid. And now Keith knew. If he though Lance was pathetic before, he must have thought even worse of him now.
Lance continued to mentally beat himself up over his mistakes for what must have been hours before he felt a hand lay gently on his shoulder. He looked up in surprise to find Shiro standing in front of him.
"Lance," he read. "Keith told me what he saw when you came over earlier..."
Oh, Lance thought, this must be the part where he tells me how worthless I am.
"Lance, I want you to know I'm here for you, and I want you to be happy. I feel so terrible that I've allowed you to resort to something like that. I care about you so much. I want you to be okay, ya know?" He scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "And as your brother who cares about you, I made some decisions that I think will help you out. I talked to mom and dad about it, and we're going to try to find you a therapist. We're also hiding all the blades in the house to prevent you from doing anything drastic-"
Lance has already stopped trying to decipher the words. He felt as if he were back into a corner with no escape. God, what the actual FUCK was wrong with him. He couldn't cut his fucking thighs like anyone with common sense? He just HAD to go for the wrists, like the attention seeking whore he was. He really should just die already. He was worthless, undeserving of anything, even hatred. He was a pathetic shell of a human being, dysfunctional from birth. He needed to die, to be gone, as soon as possible. He needed to die die die die die die die die-
A hand grasping his shoulder firmly startled him out of his trance.
"Lance, are you okay?" He read from Shiros downturned lips.
"Yeah, sorry, I'm just spaced out for a little, I'm sorry Shiro." Lance said, only half-lying.
Shiro looked at him with concern yet understanding. "That's okay, but do you understand everything I said, with the therapy and the new restrictions?"
"Of course I understand Shiro, I'm so sorry for putting you guys through this," Lance quickly spat out, struggling to form coherent words through his panic. "I swear I wasn't thinking properly when I did that, and I promise not to do it again." Liar. "But right now I'm feeling really tired, do you think I can take the rest of the night off and we can continue this in the morning."
"Yeah sure, that's fine..." Shiro stated before turning to leave the room. He turned around in the doorway and quickly added "I just want you to know I love you Lance. Goodnight."
Lance waited 10, 15, 20 minutes. They kept adding up to form hours and soon enough the clock read 5:00 am, a few hours before anyone should be awake. Lance slowly crept out of his room and to the cupboard, grabbing his adoptive mothers sleeping pills and a glass of water. He scurried back to his room and sat on the floor. This was it, he was going to do it. He wasn't going to burden the Shiroganes any longer. He was going to take them, he was going to.
Lance stared down at the bottle in one hand and the glass in the other. His hands were shaking. He was nervous? yes... scared? maybe... excited? not really. He needed to hurry, before he chickened out, like the pathetic waste of space he was. He hurried and downed the entire bottle. This was it, he was finally going to die.
He laid onto his side and stared at his wall. He let out a giggle. This was really happening, he really did it. He was about to close his eyes before he thought of one thing, Keith. Keith and his stupid hair. Keith and his dumb games. Keith and his stupid face. Keith and his pretty eyes. Keith Keith Keith was all he could think about. Now, he thought, he would never get to see him again, but perhaps that was for the best, maybe he shouldn't see Keith again. Maybe his whole purpose in life was to meet Keith and then to die alone, never coming to terms with his feelings because fuck him, that's why. But it's not like anything mattered anymore. He should be dead in a couple of hours anyways.
He was getting tired, so so so very tired, and he finally allowed his eyelids so shut, closing out the world around him, listening to the same silence he's heard for the entirety of his life. The silence that was both comforting yet sickening. The silence that relentlessly followed him everywhere he went, even to his death. He listened to it, and drifted to sleep for the last time he ever would.
Lance was so very tired.
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I'm not finishing this work, but I want to give all of my wonderful readers some closure. I feel absolutely terrible about quitting like this, but I'm going to do the very least I can and tell you how I planned to end the story.
Shiro would find Lance passed out in a puddle of blood. He would take him to the hospital and all of Lance's friends would feel very guilty, especially Keith and Shiro. They wouldn't be able to sleep knowing that they couldn't help Lance. Lots of tears ensue.
When Lance awakens, the doctor would speak to him and it would be revealed that he's deaf. I was planning on having Shiro or Keith overhear the conversation with the doctor and his disability would be revealed. Everyone would feel terrible for not noticing and they reassure Lance that his disability is nothing to be ashamed of and nothing they would ever judge him for. They would later take Lance home and give him some new major restrictions, as well as adapt to his disability to make life easier for him. As his mental state gradually transitions to a much better place, he would finally have space in his mind to consider his and Keiths relationship. He would realize his romantic interest in Keith, and try to ignore him to make it go away. He would end up accidentally confessing in an argument about his distance lately, and they would finally get together.I'm sorry I couldn't do better for you guys. I'm planning on writing sometime this year, maybe starting another work that I won't even post until it's finished so I don't disappoint anybody. Thank you for your time.