Work Text
The clock reads 12:48 and my music is loud enough in my ears that it almost hurts. The lights on my headphones are pulsing to the beat of the music, but I barely notice the changing lights. Mostly, I'm lost in my thoughts.I haven't slept in almost 36 hours, and although I'm tired, I still can't find a way to fall asleep. My thoughts are too loud, and I'm sure my music doesn't help me wind down enough to sleep, but it's the only thing that keeps me anywhere close to sane in these dark hours. Untreated mental illness will do that to a person. I don't notice when my bedroom door opens so when the light tap on my left shoulder comes, I jump so much that my headphones fall off and my phone slips from my hands, landing a few feet away from me on the floor.Luke and Ashton are staring at me. Luke, who tapped my shoulder, looks a little scared and confused by my actions. Ashton is standing in the doorway with a similar expression.I glare at both of them as I inspect my headphones to make sure they're not damaged, the music still playing. I proceed to get up and grab my phone, making sure it's okay as well before pausing my Spotify playlist so that the music stops playing, the room suddenly becoming very quiet. The music was loud enough that you could hear it as though I were using a speaker.I check the digital clock on the bottom of the metal shelves across the room. The bright green numbers now read 01:11 and I realize that both the boys currently standing in my room thought that I had gone to bed around ten."Why are you still up?" Luke asks me, his tone a mix of suspicion and concern."I couldn't sleep so I decided to listen to some music." I keep my answer vague and to the point, hoping that he won't ask any more questions. Luke and Ashton may be my best friends and the closest things I have to family, but I don't like talking about my mental problems with anyone."Your music was really loud." Ashton states."That was the point." It slips out of my mouth before I can stop myself from saying it. I have to resist the urge to just walk out of the room or put my headphones back on. I've had a pretty bad day in the first place and I don't need anything else to go wrong."What?" They say at the same time, keeping their eyes focused on me while I keep my eyes focused on my hands in my lap."Just forget I said it." I flick my hand towards the door, trying to get them to leave me alone. I know that if they start questioning me, my thoughts will overwhelm me and I won't be able to hide from them anymore."Tell us what you meant, baby girl." As he speaks, Luke keeps his voice calm, steady, and reassuring as he can. When he calls me baby girl, I get so close to caving in and telling them everything. They do deserve to know. The most I've told them is that I get anxious easily and haven't had the greatest childhood.I keep my mouth clamped shut and just shake my head so that they know I'm not going to say anything else.Ashton finally steps completely into the room and walks over to my bed, sitting down next to me while Luke moves to hold Ashton's hand. "Arin, sweetheart. Please tell us what you're talking about. We just want to know that you're okay." Of course, he knows that pet names will get me to talk.A few of the tears I had been holding back finally fall. Once the first ones are out, the rest come flooding out after them. I still won't look at them.As soon as Luke and Ashton see that I'm crying, Luke sits down on my other side and they both wrap their arms around me. I try as hard as I can to keep it inside so that I don't worry them, but the emotions have already made themselves obvious."It's okay baby, just let it out." They both whisper comforting words to me as I start to run out of tears to cry, but every time I think I'm almost done, more begin to run down my cheeks.My sobs eventually turn into small whimpers and loud sniffles. Sometime during the whole thing, Luke and Ashton had shifted so that I was laying in their laps.Luke is running a hand through my hair and Ashton is rubbing circles into my back. I'm facing the two boys and my forehead rests partially on Luke's left shoulder and partially on Ashton's right.We sit like that for a few more minutes before Ashton asks, "Do you feel better now, baby?" His voice is soft and comforting, but I can still hear the concern he's trying to hide.I sit up a little bit and nod my head, refocusing on my hands.When it becomes obvious that I'm still not going to say anything, Luke breaks the silence."It can wait if you don't want to talk about it right now, but we want you to tell us eventually. We just want you to be okay. Either way, we'll stay here with you until you're ready."There's no point in pushing it off, it will only get harder the longer I wait."I'll try to start explaining."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
I sit there for a minute, trying to get my thoughts together just enough to start explaining everything to the two boys staring at me expectantly.Looking up at Luke and Ashton, I can already feel more tears begin to prick my eyes. This is going to be harder than I want to admit.I can see the concern on their faces, despite their efforts to hide it. It's hard to know that by telling them, I'm going to be putting so much pressure on them. I don't know how they'll react, but I do know that it's going to hurt them to know.This is why I've kept it a secret for so long.I move out of their laps and sit in front of them, my body close enough to the edge of the bed that I could fall off just by leaning back a little bit. My knees are touching theirs, one touching Ashton's right and the other touching Luke's left."I'm sorry that I have to tell you about this." More confusion crosses Luke's face and Ashton just looks worried."I guess I'll start with the anxiety. I've told you that I have it, but not how bad it is. I normally have a panic attack each day. On really bad days, it can get up to two or three. I've been trying to hide them from you, so I'm guessing you weren't fully aware of them happening."The two boys are a lot calmer than I thought they would be. Luke looks less confused and Ashton looks more concerned than before, though he's not making any moves to come closer."Then there's the insomnia. I'm lucky to get twenty to thirty minutes of sleep every night, an hour at the max. I rarely get more than a couple hours each week. That's why I'm still up. I spend most of my nights listening to music and thinking. I hate being stuck in my thoughts, but I can't make it stop. It would be such a relief to not have to think so long and hard about everything."I can't handle looking at them anymore, so I avert my gaze to my lap again."Alongside the insomnia, I also have nightmares when I do manage to sleep." I can't bring myself to tell them what my nightmares are about, it's already too much to think about, let alone say it out loud.Ashton gently holds my chin and turns me to look at him."Why didn't you tell us before?""I'm sorry, I just couldn't handle telling people about how fucked up my brain is. It makes me feel vulnerable and you know that I hate feeling like that."He sighs and pulls me back into their laps again, my face now buried in Ashton's chest and his hands running gently through my hair while Luke strokes my back.Then comes the question that I hoped wouldn't come up.Luke quietly asks, "What are your nightmares about? Maybe we can help with them."It's so sweet that he wants to help, but I know there's nothing that either of them can do to make this any better."My brother and father."I speak before I realize that they didn't know anything about me having a twin brother or a father who had ever been present in my life. I had kept that information hidden from everyone. Only my mom knew, and she passed away about a year before I met Luke, Ashton and their two closest friends, Michael and Calum.All of them knew about my mother having passed a while back and that my father wasn't and still isn't present in my life, which is the entire reason that I live with Luke and Ashton. I'm incredibly lucky that they agreed to let me stay with them.At first it was only because I needed somewhere to stay while I worked on getting back on my own feet, but it soon became that I didn't think I could handle living somewhere without them. Luke and Ashton are my two closest friends and Michael and Calum are right alongside them.After the first couple months of living with Ashton and Luke, Calum and Michael were coming over so often that it was like they lived there too. I had become so comfortable around them that I never wanted to leave. It wasn't a good thing, being so attached to the four of them, but I didn't think I would be able to live without them.Another couple months passed and I accepted the fact that I couldn't live on my own and that I needed the constant support no matter how little it was. Though, with the boys it was never a small amount of support, it was as much as they could possibly give me. I was very appreciative then and still am today.“Arin, sweetie?” I snap out of my thoughts and see the concern and confusion increasing again."What did you say?""We didn't know you have a brother, or that you knew your father."I suddenly wish I had lied about the nightmares.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
I stay silent for an extra beat, not bothering to acknowledge that Luke had said something.“On top of that stuff, I've also been struggling with-," Ashton cuts me off.“Don't change the subject, love.”I know that he wants me to tell them about my brother and dad, but I can't do it. It's been pushed so far into the back of my mind and it’s such a terrible memory.“I don't, I don't think I can handle it.” What's the point in lying to then now? Why not just tell them that I'm too fucked in the head to tell them?“You can do it, baby girl.” It is so hard to say no to them when they call me these things, especially because I've always had a soft spot for those types of couple things.As I try to start talking again, I can't find the words and I stutter and stop speaking multiple times, all in an attempt to hide my deepest secrets from the two people I am closest to.“It's okay baby girl, try to relax.” Just the fact that they're both being so supportive makes it harder for me to decide on what to say.I try to get my muscles to loosen up, but it only works a little bit.Once I've managed to somewhat relax, I start to put the words together in my head to form actual sentences and plan out what I'm going to say before I try to say it.I decide to start with something that is true.“I guess, I guess I'll start with my twin brother. I know I never told you about him, but it was because I had tried my hardest to forget that he had ever existed.” I have to speak slowly so as not to stutter too much or start messing up the words again.“His name was Archer. He was the person I trusted most in the world. Even when I thought I had nobody to go to, I could always go to him. He was always there for me.”It hurts to say his name. I haven’t talked about Archer since I was fourteen when I was finally able to push him and everything that had happened so far into the back of my mind that I never thought of him, my dad, or just my family in general. Not even my mom, who was constantly trying to be with me.She said that she just wanted some mother daughter time, but I know she just wanted to make sure I was okay and that I wasn’t going to do anything stupid while in the state of mind that I was in.“Everything was fine until the day we turned thirteen. He and my dad had come up to me and said they had a surprise for me. I wasn’t suspicious at all, just happy that they had done something special for me.“We all got in the car, my dad and Archer in the front and me in the back.”My voice cracks at the end of the sentence and I have to stop talking for a couple minutes to keep myself from freaking out too much and crying. I want to lie to them, I want to tell them that it wasn't as bad as it actually was, but now that I've started with the truth, I can't seem to stop speaking it. “Th-they took m-me to-,” I can’t finish my sentence before I start crying again, the tears flooding down my face. Having to form words and create sentences to talk about the terrible things in my past is too much for me to handle.I hate that I’m letting Luke and Ashton see me as loud sobs escape my mouth and tears flow down my face and an increasing pace, but I know they don’t care that I look terrible right now or that I’m getting their shirts wet from my tears. They just want me to be okay.I also know that it’s hard for them to have to ask me to tell them all this. They know that it’s causing me pain, but they keep pushing through because they need to know, they deserve to know.Tears won’t stop streaming down my face and I can faintly hear Ashton and Luke calling my name in the background, but it’s barely there.It’s so hard to hear anything over my sobs and the thoughts tearing through my mind. I just want to go back to how it was before, when I had learned to be content with what my life was, even if it was hard. Even if I can't finish telling them now, they'll find out sooner or later. Nothing is going to be the same.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It's all too much. I couldn't even let Luke and Ashton comfort me. I jumped out of their laps and ran out of the room, far away from them. I ran straight through the front door, not closing it behind me. I don't know how long I ran, or where I ran to, but the anxiety won't go away and I don't have my phone or anything to help me fix this.I remember that Luke and Ashton tried to follow me, I had looked back as I ran down the street. They had been so shocked by my sudden escape that they hadn't started following right away. By the time they made it out the door and down to the sidewalk, I was already out of their sight, though I could still see them. I only caught a brief glimpse of their worried faces before I rounded the corner and kept running, trying to stay steady on my feet as my body trembled violently and tears blurred my vision.I kept stumbling over the concrete and I think I almost got hit by a car a couple of times from blindly running into the street. I don't recognize the part of town I'm in, but it doesn't matter right now. All that matters is getting the memories to stop flashing through my vision. I have to keep moving, at least until I become too tired to care about anything.It’s too much. It’s always been too much. It will never stop being too much.I can’t handle it and I don’t have Luke and Ashton to help me through it. I never should’ve left. It's too difficult to tell them so much of my story without also admitting how I feel about them, and those thoughts are mixing with the memories to form a hurricane of pain around me. I stumble into a park, and collapse into the grass. My breathing doesn't slow as my mind starts to drift.
After I had lived with Luke and Ashton for about a year, I realized that I loved both of them. I knew that they were in a relationship and I knew that they were both very far off limits, but I couldn’t stop myself from being so attached to them and loving them as much as I do.
They know that I love them, but they think that I love them as though they are my brothers. And they love me as though I am their sister.
Even though I appreciate them loving me in any way and being here for me, I still can’t help but wish that they loved me in a different way.
I could never ask that of them, though. They were nice enough to take me in when I needed help and let me stay when I was obviously not capable of living on my own. I could never ask them to love me at all, yet alone threaten their own relationship so that they could love me.
I’m already incredibly lucky that they love me as a sister, and I will never bring myself to ask for more than that.
I start crying again, anxious and angry that I'm letting my mind take control.
I was so excited to see them again. Dad had left with Archer months before that and I had no way of talking to them because I wasn't allowed to have a phone. The smiles on their faces looked so genuine. They were so happy to see me too.
My body is shaking violently, and it feels like my bones are going to shatter into millions of pieces. I’m numb and in pain at the same time. It’s as though the entire weight of the world is pushing down on my lungs.Someone grabs onto my arm and I scream, struggling to get away from them. Someone else grabs onto my other arm and I’m too weak to get away.Then I’m pulled up from the ground and onto my feet, but I can’t feel my legs and can’t stay standing so whoever pulled me off the ground picks me up and starts carrying me.I’m scared and tired, and I don’t know what to do or how to deal with any of it.
They drove for hours. I kept asking where we were going, but all they would say was that it was a surprise. Dad's phone kept ringing, but he never picked it up.
I try to turn around and see what’s going on, but everything is dark.No longer struggling to get away from the two men who are carrying me, I let my body go limp.I keep my eyes closed, not wanting to allow them to wander.I wish that Luke and Ashton were here. They wouldn't let me get hurt. Why did I think it was a good idea to just get up and run? I should’ve chosen somewhere in the house to flee to so that I could calm down in a safe environment.If I could just fall unconscious, then I wouldn’t have to deal with this for a while. The two men carrying me are trying to speak to me, but I can’t make out what they’re saying. Everything is muffled and my senses are so overloaded that I want to shut everything down and sleep for an eternity. I let myself drift fully into numbness. I'm not calm, but I'm too exhausted to continue caring about any of the things going on around me. Whatever these two people are going to do with me will be a problem for tomorrow me. Everything is too much; I'm too much.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When I wake up, the curtains on my window are closed, keeping my room well shaded despite the sun attempting to shine in. Luke and Ashton are sitting next to each other on the floor, leaning against the wall next to my door. They're holding hands and Ashton's head is leaning on Luke's shoulder. They're both quietly snoring. I don't want to disturb them, so I do my best not to move around.I can barely remember what happened the night before. It can't have been good, considering that the two of them are sleeping on my floor.I look around for my phone. It's plugged in and sitting next to me, partially tucked under my pillow. I slowly reach over and grab it. The clock reads 9:37. I realize that I must've slept for several hours for it to be this late in the morning. I don't feel particularly rested, I just feel emotionally drained. As I go to set my phone back down, a sharp pain shoots through my shoulder. I wince and groan quietly, but it's enough to wake Luke up. His eyes dart open, and quickly jolts Ashton awake with a hard nudge. Ashton gets up first and makes his way to my bed with Luke following shortly after. They sit down next to me, and the concern on their faces pulls my memories of the night before to the surface. I shudder and wrap my arms around myself as the thoughts start filling my mind."We were so worried about you, baby. We thought that you were going to hurt yourself when you ran away from us." Luke wraps his arm around my shoulder as Ashton crawls over my lap to sit on my other side. "I'm just glad we were able to keep up with you, I can't imagine what would've happened if we hadn't found you." Ashton pulls my hand into his lap and keeps it there, holding it gently.They must've been the two people who picked me up last night. I'm not ready to say anything to them, so I just sit there with Luke's arm around my shoulder and my hand in Ashton's. Even if I wanted to talk, I don't know where I would start. I'm sure they have so many questions for me. Luke starts massaging my back in small circles as he asks, "Do you want to talk about it love?" With a heavy sigh, I force myself to speak. "Not really, but I know I have to. I don't think I can do it all at once though."Ashton squeezes my hand and speaks so gently that he's barely audible. "How about we ask one question a day, that way you don't have to talk about too much right away."A question a day still sounded like far more talking than I want to do, but it beats how things went last night, so I mumble a 'yes' and lean into Luke's shoulder, pulling Ashton with me. We stay like that for a while, no one saying a word. It gives my mind space to think about unpleasant things.
The sun was beginning to set as Dad pulled into the parking lot for a motel out in the middle of nowhere. I had no idea what the surprise could be, but I knew it must be a good one for us to have driven this far.
Dad got out of the car and told Archer to wait in the car with me while he went inside to pay for our rooms. It only took him a few minutes, and he came back out with two keycards. Archer told me to wait in the car and then got out to talk to Dad, who handed him a keycard and then said something I couldn't hear. Archer then opened my door and gave me his hand to pull me out. It was something he hadn't done before, but I assumed he was just being extra nice because we hadn't seen each other in so long.
He grabbed his bag from the trunk and then walked me to our room. Dad was right behind us, and as Archer opened the door to our room, Dad opened the door to the room next to it. He said he'd join us as soon as he set his things down.
"Arin, baby?" Luke snaps me out of my memories, and I'm thankful for the distraction. "You know we love you, right?" He leans out far enough to make eye contact, and it makes my heart hurt. I know they love me, I just wish it was in a different way. But even if they did love me in that way, I'm not ready to be loved like that. My brain is too messed up to handle that.I refuse to let myself cry as I break the eye contact and nod against his shoulder.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
I stay as snuggled up as possible to Luke and Ashton. Even though I've agreed to answer their questions, I sure as hell won't be the first person to talk. If they really want to know, they'll have to be willing to decipher everything with me. I can tell that Luke and Ashton are looking at each other over my head. I can feel the concern rolling off of them in waves, but I finally feel safe enough to relax a little bit. I'm still on edge, but there's something very soothing about having these men help hold me together. "Ashton is going to ask the first question now, okay baby?"I nod against Luke's chest as he finishes speaking, and Ashton clears his throat. They both keep themselves wrapped around me, creating a literal cocoon of support."Tell me the good things about your brother." I'm caught completely off guard. I was expecting him to start with something that would be less anxiety inducing, but I wasn't expecting to ask me to tell him about my good memories.I let out a heavy sigh and gather my thoughts."His name is Archer, and he is my twin. We did everything together. I was born about ten minutes before him, but he protected me like he was my older brother. I thought that as long as I had him in my life, no one would ever hurt me." I can feel Luke's chest rumble as he speaks."What was your favorite thing to do with him?""When we turned ten, our mom would let us go to the park without supervision as long as we promised to stay together. I was so excited to be able to do things on my own that I wanted to go to the park every day. For the first few months, we always went to the same one because it was closest to our house. Archer always held my hand because I would get so excited that he was worried I would sprint away just because I could. I think he saw when I started to get less excited to keep going to the same park, so he convinced our mom to let us go to different parks in the area. I didn't know he had done it, so when he started leading me away from our normal park, all my excitement came back. For almost a year, he would find new parks for us to go to so that I would never be bored." The more I talked, the more I noticed the bittersweet smile on my face. Archer may have done awful things to me, but at least I have good memories from our childhood. I talked about everything good I could remember about Archer for another half an hour before realizing just how much I had shared with Luke and Ashton. When I eventually stopped talking, they kept holding me. It's one of the things I love most about them, they never leave me when I need them most.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Over the next several days, Luke and Ashton are quite distracted. I can hear them having whispered conversations with each other as well as on the phone. They still make time to spend with me, although it seems like it is mostly out of fear of me having another breakdown. Their questions for each day have been easy to answer.They come into my room around noon to check on me. I've been awake for almost five hours, but instead of coming out and finding something to eat, I've chosen to stay in bed and listen to music while scrolling through various social media apps. I look up and see them standing near the door, with Luke smiling at me and Ashton staring at me with reserved excitement. "Morning.""Morning babe, you need to get up and get dressed, fast." I don't feel like prying at Luke for answers, so I wave my hands at them in a shooing motion so that they will give me some privacy to get ready. I put on my normal outfit consisting of faded black jeans and a loose fitting black top with three quarter length sleeves. I grab my black platform boots and put them on. I step out into the hallway and make my way toward the living room where I find Luke sitting alone on one of the couches. "Where's Ashton?""He's already out in the car, he said we were taking too long and that he wanted to be ready to leave as soon as we were in the car.""That's only a little bit suspicious. Care to tell me what's happening?"A small smirk works its way onto his face and he says, "You'll find out when we get there. Now let's go before Ashton throws a fit."I don't like that they won't tell me where we're going or what we're doing; it means that I have no control over the situation.I keep asking, and eventually Luke says the words, "it's a surprise." Then the panic sets in. I curl my hands into fists and squeeze until my fingernails leave indents in my palms. I have to keep it together. They tell me we're almost there, but I can't breathe. This can't be happening again. I feel like I have to get out of the car right now, but we're still moving. I almost open the door and go anyway, but I know that will only make it worse. I just wouldn't stay in the car when we got there. I wouldn't wait for anyone to have the chance to do anything.I looked around, trying to see where the motel was so that I could be prepared to run as soon as the car stopped. All I can see is fancy houses on one side and a park on the other. I desperately want to ask how long it will be until we get there, but I don't want to draw attention to what I'm planning. We pull around the corner and the car stops next to a park. I look around frantically to see if there is a quick means of escape. All around me, there's open space. There's nothing to duck behind and no alleys I can lose them in. I still can't get any air into my lungs, and I feel tears forming at the corners of my eyes. Suddenly, there's a hand on my back. This time, I don't hesitate. I take off in a sprint and refuse to look behind me. I can't afford to even glance. I head toward the opposite side of the park. I can see a footpath there that will likely have somewhere that I can hide. I can hear footsteps behind me. I can barely see through the tears in my eyes, and then I stop moving. I can barely feel anything with the adrenaline coursing through my body. My mind begins to shut down and I close my eyes, refusing to let myself think about what's going to happen next. It takes several minutes, but I finally calm down enough to open my eyes. I still don't know if I'm safe, but I've drained myself of the ability to continue actively panicking. I look around and see four familiar faces looking at me with worry. Luke and Ashton are there with me, looking concerned but also less surprised than they were the night I ran from them. Then there's Calum and Michael, who look they've been taken over with worry for me. I put my arms out for a hug. I don't care which one of them fulfills my silent request, I just need someone to hold me and keep me safe. Michael realizes what I want first and pulls me to him. I turn my head so that it's laying on his chest and try to remember how to breathe. He holds me as close to him as possible. The longer I'm like that though, the more I begin to realize that I have two more people who are going to have questions for me that I don't want to answer.