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Once the end has been right at his front door, and he was sure there would be no next day, Dean had accepted it. While he wasn’t happy about his fate in this twisted universe, it was what it was and the role he had to played had come to a finish.He’d been at Death’s door, almost literally, and right now he’s wondering if that wouldn’t have been a bit of a mercy on him by now.“So, this tube you’re about to shove through my nose…?”“It’s mostly for the severe malnutrition you’re suffering,” says the doctor. A certain Amir Abdil who is in his last year of residency. He looks friendly enough, with a friendly smile underneath that dark beard.Yeah, Death knew what he was doing when he made their deal clear. He knew all too well that Dean wouldn’t like this, at all. He hasn’t even been awake for very long. Only an hour ago did they roll him back from where the twins are staying with the message that Dean shouldn’t be out of bed this quickly after his surgery.And boy, did he have surgery. His entire chest feels like an army of elephants marched right over it. He knows what a broken rib feels like, but to have an entire ribcage cracked is seriously not a feeling he would wish on anybody. With the state that his body is in, right now, the doctors are even afraid to give him any type of pain medications.Nobody in the hospital remembers Dean coming in in the body of a woman last night. Nor do they remember him dying, which they’re all sure has been Gabriel’s doing. All they know is that Dean is severely underweight and won’t get better until they’ve taken care of that.The doctors think he’s skinny because he refuses to eat. While Dean knows better than that, it’s the story they’ve decided to go with for now. There’s no way in the world to explain that there were two half-angel babies in his belly that almost literally sucked out every bit of reserves Dean had.That, in turn, earned him some anti-depressants to go along with his cardiac medications.“Right, so through this tube you will bring food down my stomach? To make sure I get enough for each day?”Dr. Abdil nods. “We’ll start slow, of course. The most important thing is that you get the required…”Dean stops listening there. His mind starts wandering like it often does lately. He glances at Cas, who is sitting quietly next to him, holding on to Dean’s hand as if it’s a lifeline. He hasn’t spoken all that much since Dean woke up, but Dean can see that he’s in pain. He’s known Cas for long enough to read the messages in his expressions, despite the angel not wanting to share them.Or, the former angel. Right, because Cas is human now. Because Death took his Grace for some reason as the only bargain to keep Dean alive.Sam is a whole different story; he can’t seem to keep his mouth shut while he ambushes the doctor with question after question on what they should do, what their goal is and how long they think Dean will have to remain here.Dean’s eyes are glued on his husband next to him, taking in his tired face. He’s been having little sleep over the past few days. There’s always something for them to worry about – that’s the curse of being a Winchester, Dean realizes sadly.He’s gone to see the twins along with Dean, but never really alone. According to Sam, it took Cas even a little while to agree to even hold one of the boys, as if he was angry at them for even being there.“Listen, doc, just do what you have to do. I’ll do anything to get back home with my family,” Dean says, interrupting the man’s speech. Both Dr. Abdil and the nurse seem extremely surprised by his co-operation. In their eyes, Dean inflicted all of this on himself.“Uh, of course, I’ll have the nurse prepare a feeding tube, then. This procedure might not be pleasant to watch, so I’m going to have to ask your family to leave the room for a little while.”By now, Dean’s had so many things shoved inside of his body that he doesn’t even care. He’s been through much worse in hell, so a little tubed shoved down his throat wouldn’t be the end of the world. So, he’ll eat out of a bag and he’ll pee into another bag. If they were to add in the crap it would all come full circle – not that Dean’s rooting for that part, of course.“Babe, you should go and check on the twins,” says Dean to the tired man next to him when it looks like Cas isn’t planning on moving. He even tenses up when Dean’s words hit his ears. “Please, go and see if they’re alright. I can’t be there, but you can.”Cas’ dark blue eyes meet his, and he nods stiffly. He stands up without a word, winces when he leans forward and kisses Dean gently on the top of his head. The two brothers watch him walk out of the room, and they give each other a worried, knowing look.“He’s still not comfortable around them,” Sam points out. Dean clears his throat.“Will you help him with that?” he asks his younger sibling, who nods and gets up as well.“I will. Good luck. I’m not jealous at all about that whole tube thing.”Dean almost wants to throw something at Sam, but everything hurts. Sam lets out a teasing laugh and hurries out of the room, to follow Cas and make sure everything is alright with him.He doesn’t know if it’s the fact that he’s mortal now, or if it’s because of Dean’s deal with death, but something isn’t right with Cas. He wishes he could know what it was, but these things are never really in his favor.Dean’s mind is still far away when the nurse knocks back on his door and enters with some stuff in her hands. Once pulled back into reality, he feels a new wave of dread passing over him.Right, better get this thing over with…
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It’s impossible to describe the loss of one’s self. Losing an identity, the whole thing that makes somebody themselves… it feels like a crime.There used to be joy in stretching his wings, wrapping them around his loved ones and shielding them from the dangers around them. He used to fly around the world, through the planes of the world, see parts of a world no human would ever think possible.But these past few years, all he’s ever really known is weakness. Over time, he’s felt his powers diminishing, his strength leaving him, but the thing he’s always had were his wings. They would never betray him, as they were a part of him.And then, for a year, one of his brothers did something to them. He could use them, but it would cost him so much energy and he would pass out just from the exhaustion. He had his wings, but he barely dared using them.For that entire year, he thought, once this is over, he could get the use of the wings back. He thought that was the deal Gabriel made with their father during this whole process. But then it came to a choice; the wings, or his love’s life. He had to offer up literal limbs to have Dean by his side, and he never even hesitated to agree to that deal. He would do it again in a heartbeat.He’s not angry at Dean for getting him into that position; Dean’s had no say in this, at all.And, realistically, neither do the twins. They’re innocent in this whole thing, some part of Castiel is aware of. But, at the same time, they would have been spared so much grief and pain if they’d never been there.Dean wants him to go and see the boys every day, and it’s always been every bit of Castiel’s intention to do so, but he can’t even get into the room. He’s gowned up, wearing an ugly, green cap over his head, and he’s looking at the two healthy baby boys lying there. He finds them immediately; they have this gravity around them that pulls in any person.Castiel loves his sons with all his heart. The sane part in him is aware of that. Still, seeing them there, his body doesn’t want to move. He just wants to go back to where times were simpler. To where Dean wasn’t at the brink of death, with no way to keep him safe anymore.“Heya, Cas,” he hears next to him. Castiel lets out a deep breath and tries to relax his entire body.“Sam,” he greets his brother-in-law.“You’re not going in?”Castiel sighs and finally pries his eyes away from the twin brothers on the other side of the window.“Are you?” he asks, instead. Sam smiles sadly, and clears his throat.“Yup,” is all he says. He pats Castiel once on the shoulder, and takes the first step inside the room. There, he talks to Hannah, who’s been staying with the Nephilim the entire time. Castiel can’t hear what they’re talking about. Not anymore. He should be more curious when it comes to his sons, but he just can’t get himself to it.Sam looks like a giant when he picks up one of the babies. Castiel is pretty sure that it’s Alan, though he can’t exactly see it from here. He should find out, shouldn’t he?When Sam turns around to look back at Castiel, there’s a cold wave passing through him. The younger Winchester nods towards him, nudging him to come closer.Damn you, Sam Winchester, thinks Castiel in his mind as his body finally agrees to move. While some part of him wants to blame the children, another part of him also feels very jealous when somebody else is holding his sons.Castiel immediately goes to take Alan over from Sam, and the younger Winchester doesn’t even comment on it. He just lets him do as he wants, though with a sad smile on his face.“Are you angry at them?” asks Sam, carefully, while Castiel tries to find the best way to hold on to a newborn baby. Some people say it’s instincts, but these are not instincts Castiel has been created with. Because of the uneasy handling, Alan makes a few complaining noises which leads to Castiel putting the child back into the bed, instead. If he can’t hold the child, nobody can.“Why would I be angry at two babies?” asks Castiel in a raspy voice, just looking at a spot above the crib but never really at the child.“Because you can’t even look at them?”Castiel turns his head so fast, he almost feels dizzy.“Are you implying that I don’t love my own two sons?”Sam holds up his hands, and even Hannah shuffles around nervously.“That’s not what I mean,” says Sam. “But there’s something called postpartum depression…”“Which affects mothers after giving birth,” Castiel interrupts him, biting through his teeth while he speaks. Sam sighs sadly. “In case you forgot, I’m not the one who birthed them.”“Fathers can also suffer from it,” Sam points out. “Paternal postpartum depression. It’s a thing; I looked it up.”“Good for you. Maybe you should also look up a way to get Dean better.” Castiel gives him a sharp look before storming back out of the room. “Just mind your own damn business.”He feels Sam’s eyes on his back as he marches away from the neonatal floor. He needs to get out of here, go back outside. He needs a safe place to feel sorry for himself and lick his own damn wounds without somebody trying to tell him how to live his life.As he moves further away from the floor, some part of him screams to get back to his sons, to make sure they’re alright. Sadly, the stronger part in him just needs to get out of there and clear his mind.
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The twins are taken home after a few days. There’s not a single reason left to keep them in the hospital anymore. Even Hannah and Anna agree that they’ll be safer in the Men of Letters bunker instead of here.Dean wishes he could go with them. He wishes that, after having these staples removed from his chest and the stitches cut out of his lower belly, things would be over. Sadly, wishing doesn’t get him very far.He can barely even walk the hallway without feeling like collapsing from exhaustion, so how would he be able to take care of two babies in his position?It’s bittersweet to let them go. He’s wheeled to the main entrance of the hospital, where he sees Sam putting Jonah next to Alan in the double carrier. The babies look like they’re asleep, unphased about their next destination. Cas is standing at the side, looking but not moving.“Don’t worry, Dean. There are plenty of people at home who’re glad to help us take care of them until you’re back home,” says Sam reassuringly as he tightens the belt around Jonah and makes sure that it’s not lose. Jonah shifts a bit, as if he’s about to wake up. Gladly, he just keeps on sleeping.It’s a miracle that the twins don’t cry. Not when they’re hungry, not when they’ve done their business in the diapers, not when they’re cranky. In fact, they’re never cranky. They’re just extremely well-behaved children, most people point out.“I’m sure they won’t be keeping you up at night,” Dean assures Cas with a gentle smile, though Cas barely even looks up at that. It hurts, to see him struggling like this with the entire situation. Dean’s heard enough from Sam about Cas around the children, but he’s also heard some updates from Claire and Linda about how Cas is at home; mostly locking himself inside their room and barely eating.Dean wants to tell him to get some help and talk this through, but what can they do in this situation? Is there a specific psychiatrist for former angels? Somebody who could hear about their crappy lives and not think like they’re all a bunch of lunatics?“Cas?” Dean still tries, and Cas finally turns to look at him. He still looks tired, his face hollowed out.“Dean,” he says, his voice still carrying that fondness when he speaks out his name.“Are you alright?”Cas hesitates for a moment, but still takes Dean’s hand when the hunter reaches for him. With his fingers passing over his husband’s knuckles, he turns the hand until the wedding ring is clearly in view. Then, he kisses the golden band gently. Cas lets out a shivering breath.“No,” he finally says. He kneels down in front of Dean, and takes his other hand as well. “But I’ll try to be better.”Dean nods, moving his arm away so he can caress Cas’ cheek in a soft caress. Then, he leans forward to kiss his lips ever so softly.“I love you,” he whispers against Cas’ mouth.Ten minutes later, he’s wheeled back into his room on the psychiatric ward, where he’s been transferred to yesterday. As the nurses help him get back into bed, he can’t help himself from worrying about Cas, and the boys.That night, much like the others, he can’t seem to find any sleep at all.
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It’s probably the first time Cas has been in a room alone with the twins. Literally. They’ve both put Alan and Jonah in their cribs, made sure that they’re diapered up and clean for the night. It’s mostly been Linda and Sam, as Cas had been sitting down on the bed and just stared at them.“I’m worried,” says Sam, sadly. “He blames the children, and he’s not listening to reason.”“Give him time,” Lauren breathes out from behind her laptop. She glances at Sam shortly before picking up his hand and kissing his knuckles. “He’ll get through it, he’s Cas!”“I don’t think it’s that easy. He’s gonna need help, and not the kind that we can give him.”“Which is why I’m already on it.” Lauren gives Sam a wink and turns her laptop to the side to give the Winchester a view. “I hope you don’t mind, but I e-mailed one of your hunter contacts to get in touch with others, see if there’s any former psychiatrists or psychologists around.”Sam blinks in confusion, seeing the conversation that’s been going on between Lauren and Irv. Sam lets out a relieved laugh when he reads that Irv might be on to something and will let them know.“Wow, that’s amazing,” Sam calls out in excitement. He then pushes the laptop aside and gives his girlfriend a gentle tap on her shoulder to get her to lie down on the bed. “You’re amazing.”“Well, I know, but…” Sam shuts her up by leaning over her and kissing her lips almost forcibly. Lauren immediately goes with it, passing her hands over Sam’s back.He doesn’t know how long it is before he hears something over the baby monitor. They put it there in case Cas would have trouble helping, but Sam had hoped that it wouldn’t be necessary to have it.They stop making out at the first sound of a sob. Both Sam and Lauren look up, staring at the device above their bed. Is it one of the boys? Are they crying?“I think it’s Cas,” Lauren points out in worry. They listen for a couple more seconds, until the crying becomes louder, and more desperate. That’s when the first sound of an unsettled baby comes out as well.“We should have a look,” Sam suggests. He moves away from the bed, nearly running to the room next to his. Luckily, the door isn’t locked, though he still feels a bit of dread upon seeing Cas standing in front of one of the cribs, looking down with his arms wrapped around himself and his shoulders moving.“Cas?” Sam tries. There’s no movement from the room. “Is everything okay?”He’s almost afraid to look at the cribs. Did something happen to the boys? Did Cas do something to the boys? Sam’s learned all he can about this depression he thinks Cas is suffering from, just so he could be prepared, but to be fair… it still scares him.Finally, Cas turns around with his eyes red and his cheeks wet. He looks so sad, so pained, unable to stop sobbing.“I- I don’t know what to do,” Cas finally admits with shivering words. It breaks Sam’s heart to see him like this. He’s never considered Cas weak, and he still doesn’t now. Cas has just been through so much, and after all he’s lost (and almost lost), it’s his strength that has managed to keep him sane. Any person would eventually suffer from the strain it’s putting on their mental wellbeing.“It’s- it’s alright. I’ll help you,” says Sam with his hands raised up. He knows Cas doesn’t like it when other people touch his sons, so he’s careful when he approaches the crib with the fussy baby in there. “What happened?”“I just- I tried to take Jonah. I tried, but he doesn’t recognize me. They both don’t…”Oh, so that’s what’s bothering Cas so much? Sam feels stupid for not thinking about it, earlier. Before they were born, Cas could communicate with the boys through his Grace. They would know immediately when he was there and they would settle down. Dean used to talk about it, frequently.But now, Cas has no Grace. He has a soul. A soul the two boys don’t know.“They’ll get to know you, Cas,” Sam assures him. He hears Lauren talk to Claire in the background, but he mutes them out. “Take it one step at a time, alright?”Cas barely nods, still looking at Sam sharply when the Winchester moves to take Jonah out of his crib. Jonah complains at that, even more, and even Alan starts complaining now.“Take Alan, the same way I took Jonah,” Sam explains. Cas blinks at him a couple of times, but then nods. He’s still hesitant when he reaches for his youngest son, and is still awkward when trying to hold him.“Hold him against your chest, keep them close to you.” Once again, Sam shows Cas what to do. The former angel copies him again, and slowly the two start walking around slowly, gently swinging the children until they calm down.Cas looks pained entire time.
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The news that they found a hunter who formerly worked in psychiatric healthcare feels like a miracle. Dean can barely believe Lauren when she’s on her visit to the hospital. She’s dressed neatly, preparing for another day at work. She’s probably the only well-rested person who comes to visit.“She’s agreed to travel to Lebanon for the time being,” Lauren explains the situation. “And Cas, in turn, agreed to see her. She’s very curious and excited to meet an actual angel.”“Former angel,” Dean corrects her, and Lauren clears her throat.“Right, former angel.” She looks at her friend, in bed, holding a pair of healthy baby boys in his arms. Lauren’s been kind enough to bring over the twins, so Dean would be able to see them as well. And while he’d been exhausted after his session of physical therapy – and his therapy session had been draining as well – he feels nearly whole again now that Alan and Jonah are back with him.The boys are literally perfect; they’re both so small, chubby as any baby normally is, with only the lightest freckles on their cheeks. While Alan has Dean’s eyes, Jonah’s are blue like Cas’. So far, their hair is extremely light, but it’s often that it darkens as they get older. As far as Dean remembers from his dreams while carrying them, Alan’s hair would be slightly darker than Jonah’s.“I can’t imagine I would have almost missed this,” Dean mutters, looking lovingly at his children.“I’m glad you got the chance,” Lauren says with a sigh. She gets quiet again when a young nursing intern enters the room to take Dean’s parameters. It takes a couple of minutes, but the girl is very friendly and even looks enthusiastic to talk with them.By the time the girl’s outside, Dean sighs while leaning back in his bed. “You know, one year ago I was only barely married to Cas. We never thought kids would be in the cards for us…”“Funny how life works,” Lauren sighs happily. “It’s what you’ve wanted for a while, no?”“It is,” Dean chuckles. Though, while he’s smiling and looking at his children, he only feels fear for them. While they’ve been laying low so far, Dean is aware that the demons have returned to Earth. He’s been the sole reason for their return, and it was all for nothing, even. Rowena’s promise to Sam to save Dean had been hollow, and the demons’ return has no further meaning…The thought of closing the gates again passes through his mind, but that won’t be all that easy, anymore. The Demons now know what to expect; surely, word gets around when you’re two years underground. They’ll keep their hellhounds on a tight leash, and it’ll probably be even more difficult to get into hell.When his mind catches back up with reality, he finds that Jonah is just staring at him the same way Cas always does. There’s no smile on the kid’s face, instead just a slightly opened mouth and chubby cheeks. When Dean leans forward to press a kiss on the kid’s head, Jonah makes a content noise. Afterwards, he does the same to Alan, who then reaches out his hand towards Dean’s face.“It should be illegal to be so adorable,” Dean jokes, unbelieving of his own words. When he catches Lauren looking at him, he raises his head. “I said what I said.”“You’re a sap,” Lauren jokes, before clearing his throat. “I should be heading to work, but Sam will probably be back from the cafeteria any minute. Take care of yourself, alright?”Dean nods, unable to wave her goodbye but winking at her, instead. As if on cue, Sam enters the room only seconds after Lauren walked out.“Where’s…” he starts.“Off to work,” Dean interrupts him.“Oh, right.” Sam sighs and sits where his girlfriend sat before.“So, you two alright?” Dean tries. So far, he hasn’t heard many updates of the pair. Did they get back together, or is it a vague, unspoken thing?“I mean, we’re close, but I’m pretty sure she still doesn’t fully trust me,” Sam sighs. “I mean, I can’t blame her, of course. I lied to her to let her stay with me, which was a bad thing to do.”“Bad Sammy,” Dean jokes, grinning when Sam gives him a glare.“I don’t know where we stand. Sometimes I feel like you’re the biggest reason she’s staying around. Do I have to worry about you two?” This time, it’s Sam getting out the jokes. Dean rolls his eyes.“You know I’m taken, little brother.” He then looks back down at the now-sleeping twins. Was it only a couple of months ago that he panicked when the doctor mentioned breast-feeding? Dean is kind of happy the whole boob-stuff is a thing of the past. The boys enjoy drinking formula from a bottle well enough not to worry about it.In this hospital bed, on the psychiatric ward, Dean makes a vow to take care of himself and return home as soon as he can. If they can get that specific hunter to come here and clear Dean, that would be great. But, one way or another, Dean’s getting home soon.
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Castiel is probably going to collapse from sleep-deprivation soon enough.And it’s not because the kids are loud and fussy; they’re the picture of perfect. At this point, Castiel can’t keep his eyes off them, anymore. He gets anxious whenever he would leave the room, even when he just needs to pee or take a shower.No, he would take the kids with him, everywhere. He also knows that it’s just not realistic.“Don’t you want to take a walk outside, maybe?” he hears Clair asks at the door of his room. She looks hopeful, already caring a big deal about the twins. She’s always been the first to jump in on a chance to help Castiel.“There are angels and demons out to get them. I’m not going outside,” Castiel counters bitterly. Claire rolls her eyes.“You can’t keep them cooped up inside, either. Fresh air is healthy and all that. It’s something my dad taught me.”Castiel looks at her with a sharp expression, but Claire isn’t that easily swayed. She just stares him down even harder.“At least get something to eat. I’ll watch over them in the meantime. I mean, it’s not like I have anything else to do since you won’t let me check out some cases.”“Because you’ll get yourself killed!” Cas bites back.“I’ve held my ground well enough so far.” Claire sighs again and moves away from the doorpost she was standing against. “But that’s beside the point. Eat something. Do something. Anything! Just get out of this room.”Then Claire walks away, not at all sounding bothered about Castiel snapping at her. He feels regret, immediately. If anybody has the right to snap, it’s Claire. Castiel killed her father, after all. It wasn’t his intention, but it still happened.And if he’s not careful, he’ll get his sons killed, too. He can’t help them if they’re in trouble. He’s extra very sure that trouble will come…Some parts of him knows that other angels are there to protect the children; good angels. Friends that Castiel, also, got killed. They’re as safe as possible, he’s sure.But, at the same time, everything is danger, and in this room, danger is non-existent.He knows what he’s suffering from. He knows that his body is reacting in a way it normally never should. The constant worrying at the smallest trigger makes him feel awful, and his anxiety constantly keeps him up at night.He also knows that he’s going to get the help. Somehow, Lauren managed to call up this Farah Cortman and convince her to move her stuff over to Lebanon. Castiel has no idea how she did it, and while he can’t really show it, he’s very grateful that she’s doing the effort. He hates that he’s worrying everybody. He also hates that he’s permanently wondering if having these children was a good idea to begin with. Not that they had a choice, but they’re not ready for this. They’ll probably never be ready for this! They were fine without children! They had accepted that it would never be, so why would Father do this?Castiel takes a deep breath, trying to calm his mind but instead feeling another wave of worry go over him. He hurries back to the cribs, finding that the boys are still very much asleep. Still, he doesn’t move away from them.
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One of the few reasons for Castiel to finally get out of the house is visitation days. It’s the one time a smile finally manages to creep up on his face, however small it is.Cas goes to the hospital nearly daily, which might not help with his exhaustion, but he wouldn’t want to spend one day without visiting Dean.Dean is at the point where he wants to tell Cas to stay at home for once, and catch up on some sleep. But, he knows the former angel won’t want to listen to him, at all. Though, the thought comes to mind again when he sees his tired husband walk through the doors of his room, holding one baby-carrier while Sam, behind him, holds on to the other.“They’re sleeping, again?” Dean wonders out loud when he sees the two boys are far from awake. Sam laughs, though Cas can only get out a tired sigh.“Lately, no, they stay awake the entire night,” he says sadly.“They’re fidgety without you,” Sam adds to it. Though, when he looks at Cas, Dean knows there’s a bit more to it.It’s nearly been a month since their birth, and Dean’s anxious to get home. The urge to just run out of here gets stronger every day. He’s glad that he’s allowed out of bed more often – and manages to walk around for a longer period of time. He feels like he’s acing physical therapy, while he’s kind of sucking at the other type where he’s supposed to talk all the time.“You look fuller,” Sam points out happily. Dean has to agree; though he’s far from a healthy weight, he’s at least a few steps closer to his end goal.“Cardio rehabilitation is kind of a nice change of pace,” Dean admits. “Plus, now that the stupid tube is out of my nose, I can finally eat normally again – without feeling like there’s something stuck in my throat!”Sam makes a face at that. He finally puts the carrier down and sits on the empty bed next to Dean’s. Cas takes the chair closest to his husband, leans forward and picks Jonah up from the carrier.“At first I thought they didn’t need that much sleep. But one time I brought them into our bed, and there they seemed to sleep on just fine.” Castiel carefully hands Jonah to Dean. The Winchester is glad to see that Cas has finally gotten the hang on how to hold their children; at first it almost seemed like he didn’t know what to do with them.He’s also glad that Cas’ indifference towards the twins has shifted, though he’s not that sure he likes the fact that now he’s so overprotective to a point where he can’t even sleep anymore.“I suppose they just need some human contact.” Dean glances down at Jonah, who hasn’t even awakened while being handled. It’s almost impossible to believe that they would give any trouble at night. “I remember that they would calm down whenever they felt your Grace near.”“Yeah, well, I don’t have that, anymore,” Castiel grits out bitterly. It’s the first time he’s spoken out loud about his feelings on the matter, and Dean’s sure that it’s still a very sore subject for him.“Even when you don’t have your Grace anymore, it often lingers on the stuff you’ve touched the most; like that trench coat you always used to wear. That thing would calm them down in an instant.”“What were you doing with that coat?” asks Sam teasingly. He only gets a glare from his brother.“Anyway, there’s lot of that Grace on the bed. Being there probably made them relax.” Dean shrugs. Cas simply stares ahead of him, letting out another sad sigh.“Maybe that could be why they like Claire so much. Doesn’t she have some leftover Grace from when you possessed her?” It’s not that bad of a theory; didn’t Claire manage to calm the twins down all those months ago when Dean had been going full-on murder-machine on two teenagers that were trying to kill him.“It’s possible,” he says, pondering about Sam’s train of thought. He might make an excellent point, and if Cas were in a better state of mind, he might be able to theorize along with them.It’s probably because they’ve been so close to Dean’s soul for almost nine months that they’re also easily asleep against Dean’s chest. When he sees Sam take out Alan, he reaches his free hand for his second son. Sam passes him along without a word. With the two babies on his chest, he finally feels complete again.Dean is surprised when Cas leans to his side to rest his head against Dean’s shoulder. Shifting the twins a bit, he lifts up his free hand and goes through Cas’ hair.“Don’t worry, babe,” Dean says quietly. “You’re having a hard time, but you’re doing great.”But exhaustion seems to have been too much for Cas, as he’s not answering, instead letting out soft, even breaths. Dean shifts his face to Cas to kiss the top of his head and then rest his cheek on top of it.“Finally, he’s sleeping,” Sam whispers out once he, too, realizes what’s going on. “I didn’t think he would hold out for much longer.”Dean barely manage to glance at him without shifting too much. There are three people sleeping on him right now, and he doesn’t want to wake any single one of them.His hand is still in Cas’ hair, massaging the back of his head.“How’s Claire? And Kevin and Linda?” Dean asks quietly. Sam smirks.“Just fine,” he says. “Kevin is easily flustered around Claire, and I don’t think she’s noticed it, so far.”Dean rolls his eyes. “Of course, she hasn’t. I don’t think Kevin’s really her type.”Sam doesn’t point it out. “Linda’s fine as well. Took up a job as a librarian, saying she was turning crazy in that house without having something to do. I’m pretty sure she’s close to finally moving out one of these days.”Dean would be sad to see her leave; in these past few months they’ve gotten to know each other very well, and Linda’s become one of his best friends lately. But, he also wouldn’t want to keep her somewhere she doesn’t want to stay.In more whispers, Sam starts asking questions about his progress; what have the doctors been saying, lately? What has he been doing to spend his time when he’s alone? Has that flustered nurse been passing by again, lately?Dean answers everything; the doctors are still concerned about his heart and he’s looking ahead of more examinations and tests before they’ll manage to find any kind of diagnosis. He’s mostly spending his time doing physical training and reading – he’s read about seven books since he’s been here, which must be a record for him. And, yes, the flustered nurse has been doing rounds on his wing and has passed by again, blushing every time Dean just gives her a smile.As if he’s heard every bit of that last conversation, Cas lets out an annoyed grumble in his sleep. Dean watches him for a couple of seconds, but he’s still sure that the man’s fast asleep.“I think my man’s getting jealous,” Dean jokes.“Maybe I should try and take the twins for the night. He might be able to catch up on some sleep, then.”Dean looks up and smiles. “I think that’s a wonderful idea,” he says, his heart still aching for Cas. He feels a moment of peace in the silence that forms after that, which is probably why it feels like he’s having another heart attack the moment Alan starts to cry out of nowhere.Cas jumps up in surprise, literally sprinting out of the chair to look for the origin of the trouble. Sam is already on Dean, taking the still-sleeping Jonah from his brother so Dean can keep his attention on Alan, who starts howling for some reason. Tears are streaming out of the kid’s face, and his mouth is open so wide that Dean can see all of his toothless gums.“What’s going on?” Cas asks in confusion, glancing at Alan as if he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to be doing. In fact, Dean doesn’t know what’s happening, either. Why is he crying? Is he hungry? Did he have a nightmare? Do babies even have nightmares? Can babies even think about nightmares? He doesn’t smell, so at least it’s not a diaper-matter.“He got scared about something?” Dean wonders out loud. He glances to the side, seeing that Jonah is still unbothered at all. “Whatever it was, Jonah couldn’t seem to care less about it.”“That’s probably a good thing,” Sam sighs. He takes the carrier Cas put down on the ground and takes Jonah out of the room, just to be sure.Dean gets out of bed and tries to hush his child gently. He rocks him around, tries to sing his own version of ‘Hey Jude’, but he’s failing miserably at everything that might calm down a baby. Alan’s grabbing on to Dean’s shirt, shaking his little feet and often kicking Dean in the belly.“C’mon, baby boy, you’re safe here,” Dean almost begs. He turns his head to the side, throwing his husband a questioning look. Cas appears even more helpless, as if he has no idea what he’s supposed to be doing here. Even when Dean nods at him to come closer, Cas seems to hesitate.“Cas, get your ass here and help me calm down our son,” Dean snaps after a little while, which causes for Alan to cry a little louder again. He feels guilty for raising his voice at Cas, knowing that he’s in a bad place right now, but he could really use the help.Cas finally jumps into action. He goes to stand next to Dean, resting his hand behind Alan’s little head. Then, he quietly starts muttering words Dean doesn’t understand. He recognizes it as Enochian, of course, but the meaning is lost to him. Despite the fact that the words pass over his head, Dean finds himself transfixed on the sound, as if Cas is simply hypnotizing everybody else in the room along with Alan.Whatever he does, it seems to help. Alan stops again, keeping one tiny hand on Dean’s shirt and lifting the other one in Cas’ direction. Cas lets out a surprised gasp, his eyes getting wet all of a sudden.“He’s reaching out for me?” Cas asks, keeping his own arm in Alan’s direction, but never really approaching him more. After a little while, he does allow Alan to wrap his little hand around Cas’ fingers.“Of course, you’re his father,” Dean points out. He sees Alan staring at Cas with wide, big eyes, looking at him as if it’s the first time he’s ever seen him in his life.Cas simply lets out a soft sob. He leans to the side, pressing his face into Dean’s shoulder in a need to be close. Dean wraps his free arm around Cas, pulling him closer to his body and comforting him in any way he possibly could.
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Dean follows a bit of a routine; as if he’s watching the same movie over and over again, only every time seeing something small that he hadn’t seen before. And that small thing represents the few differences that he experiences in his everyday life.It would be dramatic to say that eventually he’ll die out of boredom, but it feels like the expression might eventually even come true.The nurses start their morning rounds at 7 in the morning. Patients that need it are being washed, while the others are urged to clean themselves up. Dean’s always been neat when it comes to himself, so he wouldn’t need any prompting in that. Around eight, breakfast is being served, and a nurse comes back to bring his medication.Which pills he takes, he doesn’t know. There are vitamins, something for his heart and of course the anti-depressants. And while he thought that he never really needed those last ones, he does have to admit that he’s been feeling better lately. Less like he’s living in an endless tunnel where the light at the end of the road seems impossible to find.Around nine, a physical therapist comes over to make him move around – though the man is very satisfied with Dean’s progress and did mention once or twice that maybe he wasn’t all that necessary, anymore. Physical takes about an hour, and from 10 to 11 there’s the other type of therapy.Now, that’s where Dean’s progress seems to stall. He’s never been one to talk about himself or his personal feelings, and now there’s this stranger who keeps on asking about it. And it’s not like Dean doesn’t think it’s useful, but he’s tried the whole ‘human’ therapy once during a case (not that it was serious, of course) and there comes a point where he doesn’t even know what a regular human being experiences in their life anymore.He supposes that’s where Dr. Cortman could come in quite handy. He has no idea how they made it work, but during the usual morning routine, a nurse comes in to measure his parameters and calmly points out that he’s been assigned to a new doctor to lessen the work load of his current therapist.“Can they just do that?” Dean wonders out loud, wondering why it’s just this easy?“Well, Dr. Turner is getting close to retirement, so it’s probably for the best,” the red-haired nurse says with a friendly smile. “Everything seems good over here, so if you’re ready we’ll bring out your breakfast.”Everything else goes exactly as always; he eats breakfast, takes his pills, does the physical… It’s when he arrives to the usual office that he hesitates for a moment.In the beginning he was brought here with a wheelchair, but they’ve since long stopped doing that. Now he’s just ‘chaperoned’ by someone from transport until he’s allowed inside. That person usually leaves the moment he enters the room.When he was thinking about Dr. Cortman, he had many images in his head; after all, hunters are often always the same type of people, aren’t they? He expected plaid and jeans. Not… this.Farah Cortman is a petite curly blonde woman with dark brown eyes hidden behind some thick glasses. She’s wearing a suit jacket and a neat skirt, and has a pencil stuck behind her ear. When she sees Dean enter, she offers him a wide smile and puts down the book she was reading.“Mr. Winchester,” she starts as she stands up. “I was wondering when I would ever get to meet the most famous hunter in the States.”When she reaches out her hand, Dean shakes it happily. “I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say to that,” Dean says jokingly, and the woman smiles back excitedly.“Well, when your friend called me about you and your husband needing help, I didn’t see any reason why I should even hesitate,” she points out. “After all, it’s not often one gets to meet an angel in their lives.”Dean snorts. “I’ve met plenty of them. They’re a bunch of assholes if you ask me.”Dr. Cortman rests her head above her hands and stares back at him with those dark eyes of her. Feeling looked at, Dean studies the office but finds that not much has changed around here. Maybe only the nameplate on the desk, and the diploma that hangs behind her against the wall.“Now, Dean, can I call you Dean?” Dean nods at that, and she continues. “I have received a file from your previous psychiatrist. It’s quite a bit that he wrote down, but as I was reading it, I started wondering what of it was true and what wasn’t?”“Most of it wasn’t,” Dean admits. “It’s not like I can just tell them about every crazy thing that has ever happened in my life.”“Which is understandable.” Dr. Cortman picks up the file she was talking about, and moves it aside until it falls down into the trashcan. “Before we start, I should maybe tell you a bit more about myself; I’m Farah Cortman. I’m married, have two healthy kids, and I stopped hunting about ten years ago”Dean nods, following so far.“In my time as a hunter, the only thing I saw was the mental pressure and strain the life does to a person, so I resumed my studies where I left off, and decided to become a psychiatrist intended especially for hunters and creatures.“Creatures as well?” Dean wonders out loud. Dr. Cortman smiles even more now.“Creatures aren’t always evil. Sometimes they just have a difficulty adjusting to the normal world – especially for new werewolves and such. For them, I offer a listening ear.”Dean is impressed, and at the same time disbelieving of the fact that Lauren even managed to find her.“There should be more people like you,” Dean points out, and Dr. Cortman smiles.“There are going to be more of me, don’t you worry. I have a few former hunters who have shown their interests in this job and I’ve taken it upon me to train them. My first recruit even has an office near New York.”As Dean learns more about the woman, he can’t even begin to imagine her ever having hunted before in her life. When she starts asking Dean about his first experience with hunting, and the role his parents played in that whole life, he finds that it’s not that difficult to talk about it.An hour later, when he exits the office again, his throat even feels dry from talking so much. It was draining, and he feels that his body is in need of some more rest, but if he’s honest he hasn’t felt better ever since he’s been admitted in this sleepless place.
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Castiel has no idea what to think of this Farah Cortman. She seems like a kind lady, and Dean speaks nothing but good about her. Yet, as he’s sitting here, only feeling her eye on him, he’s wondering if this is really a good idea to begin with?“How are you feeling today, Castiel?” is the first thing she’s asked when he got into the office. Feeling tired and restless like any other day he’s had in the past month, he simply shrugs.“I don’t know how to answer that,” he says in honesty.“According to the people around you, you have not been sleeping well. Your life has changed a lot in a short time span, and there’s a lot to adjust to, isn’t there?”Cas’ eyes meet her brown ones, and he clears his throat awkwardly.“Yes,” is all he says.Dr. Cortman seems to realize that there’s nothing much to gain in this current path, so she leans back in her seat and notes something down. When she starts talking about herself and what led her to this path, Castiel can only listen with at least a little bit of interest.Humans have always been interesting in Castiel’s eyes, because they can take something bad and can turn it into something beautiful. Every human he’s ever met has managed to do that. Yet, now that he’s human, he doesn’t even have the slightest idea how to even begin with that. When she asks him about being an angel, Castiel starts talking hesitantly. It’s after a minute or so that he keeps on going, and going, never stopping about his experiences as a warrior of Heaven. He only stops talking when he accidentally chokes on his own spit in his excitement.Then, when she asks him about the twins, he falls quiet. That makes her raise her eyebrows.“You have nothing to say about your sons?” asks Dr. Cortman while barely looking up from her paper.“Of course, I do,” Castiel quickly defends himself, looking around nervously at the reminder of his boys. He knows that Sam and Lauren have them with them, but now that it’s been brought back to his attention that they’re not with him, his heart starts to race a little bit faster.“How do you feel when you’re around your sons?”Castiel thinks for a minute. “Scared.”Dr. Cortman nods and writes something down again.“You’re not feeling resentment?”Castiel frowns. “Why would I feel resentment for the twins?”Dr. Cortman holds her head in her hands, keeping two fingers on her chin.“Are they not the reason that you’re no longer an angel?”Castiel can’t help the glare he throws at her, though she doesn’t seem phased by it. Not even a little bit.“I can only blame that on Death,” he grits out bitterly. “It was a part of the deal we made to keep Dean alive.”“And another part of that deal is that Dean cannot be healed anymore, is that correct?”Castiel nods.“So, all in all, you’re mainly feeling angry, are you not?”It seems like a good way to describe his mood, but it’s not just anger, nor is it resentment.“I’m scared,” he finds himself admitting. He doesn’t want to come over as the bitter type of person. Besides, he’s not so worried about being vulnerable in front of somebody else.“Why are you scared?”“My brothers and sisters. They disapprove of the twins. They’ll be hunted their entire life because of them, and I can’t be the one to keep them safe, anymore.” Castiel sighs and lowers his eyes. “And then there’s the return of the demons. So far they seem to lay low, but I’m sure that they’ll plot their revenge.”“They probably will,” Dr. Cortman agrees.There’s a heavy silence that falls over them. Castiel feels tired, but most of all anxious. Hearing that assurance that all of his fears might be for a reason, all he wants to do now is to get out of the room, return to the boys.“I don’t suppose you’ve ever been on medication before.” It’s not a question, but more of a statement. Castiel glances in the woman’s direction, though he finds that her eyes are lowered to her paper. She’s writing down something, her fingers holding her pen tightly.“I’ve had a painkiller or two,” he offers up uselessly. He knows that it’s not what she’s talking about, but he’s always been a bit of the literal kind.“This thing you’re going through; it’s serious. It’s also become easy to recognize and has to be treaded quickly. What I’ve written here is a starting dose. Try it, feel it out, and next time you can tell me if you feel any different.”She holds up a slip of paper before handing it to him.“Know that it’s not a cure-all. Medications help you forward, but you probably know how depression works. They will help you find a light at the end of the dark tunnel, but you’ll have to work at it to crawl back out of it.”“That’s some nice reassurance,” Castiel mutters while he looks down at the prescription. The medication doesn’t ring any bell, but he’s sure she wouldn’t just write anything down.“You’re not alone in this. You have a strong community surrounding you. Reach out to them, be open and don’t hold your feelings in. You can get back out of it, I’m sure.”And that must be it for the session. Only a couple of minutes later, he’s already outside, faced with two Winchesters, both of them holding an infant child. And Castiel would be lying if seeing Alan reach out his hands to him doesn’t melt his heart a little bit.Yeah, a community to help him. She must be right about that.Maybe she’s right about the other things, as well?
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Whatever medication they seem to have given him, it does seem to make Cas very sleepy. Sam didn’t hesitate for one moment to pull the two cribs into his own room when Cas let out his first yawn and pointed out that he was very tired.There had been a little bit of resistance, but eventually the former-angel agreed to let Sam take care of the twins for the night.Which he ends up regretting only a little bit, as it’s already past midnight by the time Sam finally gets to sit down on the bed and let out a deep breath.“We should blame their angel-genes on their lack of sleep,” Lauren points out, equally tired. Sam nods in agreement, leaning his head back against her shoulder and taking a deep breath. They’re whispering, afraid to wake up the twin boys they’ve finally gotten to sleep.Lauren yawns, and Sam spreads out his arms before lying down in the middle of the bed. Lauren goes to lie down next to him, letting him wrap his arms around her.They take a few minutes to enjoy the quiet, listening to the soft breathing coming out of the two cribs further away. Jonah, who is a little bit fussier than Alan, makes a few quiet noises in his sleep. For a moment, Sam is afraid that he’s awake again. He really doesn’t want to start tucking him in once more.“I’ve been taking Claire to the town,” Lauren says, quietly. “She’s been enjoying the normalcy, I think.”Sam laughs bitterly. “There’s no normalcy in this house,” he grunts out.“Yeah, you’re right there.” Lauren sighs against Sam’s neck. “Should we try to get her back into high school? Let her finish her education?”Sam shrugs. “We’re not her parents, we can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to.”Lauren hums in agreement. “We should ask Cas and Dean, then, see what they’ll say about it.”“Cas and Dean are not her parents.”Lauren gives him an unimpressed look, but then presses her face once again against Sam’s neck. She seems to be done with the conversation, which is fine by Sam. He takes in a deep breath, feeling sleep slowly taking over until Lauren starts talking again.“Hmm, I could really use some hot chocolate now, actually,” she laughs. Sam snorts, knowing she’s only joking. They’ve just brushed their teeth. There’s no way she’s going to drink something if that would mean he would have to go brush them again.“I’ll make you one, tomorrow,” he promises her with another kiss on the back of her neck.“Will you get me one, now?” she jokes. Or, Sam thinks she’s joking. The moment their eyes meet, he lets out a short breath and starts to get out of the bed. Sitting up, Lauren offers him a frown the moment Sam’s back on his feet.“What are you doing?” she asks in confusion. Sam wonders why she even questions it; he’s going to get her that hot chocolate right now. She asked him for it, and he wouldn’t be a good boyfriend if he wouldn’t help her out, would he?“I’m getting you your drink,” Sam explains as he reaches for the door. Lauren jumps up and grabs his arm.“Stop! I was only joking, Sam. You know I just brushed my teeth?” Sam can see the worry on her face, and wonders why? Is there’s something going on?“But, you wanted hot chocolate?” he tries, feeling very confused. Every part in his body is telling him to get her that drink, and he’s wondering why she’s stopping him.“No, Sam. I want you to get back into bed and hold me close. And don’t you dare get up like that again!” she counters. Sam lets out another breath, feeling the tension in his shoulders going away again. He moves back to the bed, barely thinking about it. Without another word, he holds her close once more. Lauren stays quiet, as well, simply muttering out a quiet ‘good night’ and nothing more. Underneath his hand, Sam can feel her heart beat wildly.She falls asleep almost immediately, which makes it obvious how tired she actually was. The same can’t be said for Sam, as he starts fidgeting more often than not. A discomfort creeps up on him, his mind warning him that his bladder is full and he should be making his trip to the toilet sooner rather than later.And he’s aware that he has to get up, yet his body doesn’t cooperate. His arms don’t let go of Lauren, and when he tries to shuffle away a little bit, he finds himself crawling closer to her, instead.“What are you doing, Sam?” Lauren asks with a sigh after half an hour. The hunter clears his throat before speaking.“I need to pee,” he admits. Lauren turns her face to him and reveals a heavy frown. She looks extremely tired, and Sam feels guilty for keeping her up like that.“Then why aren’t you getting up?” she sounds just as confused as Sam has been feeling this half hour that just passed.“I just… can’t?” he reveals questioningly. Lauren sits up, then, yet Sam doesn’t let go of her. That, in turn, makes it a very awkward position.“Sam, let go of me.” Sam’s arms immediately obey, letting go of the embrace and pulling back. Lauren’s eyes go wide at that, and Sam, too, understands that there’s something more going on here.He takes a deep breath, looking at his arms as if they’ve personally betrayed him.“Get out of the bed,” Lauren instructs dryly. Not wasting any second, Sam is up on his feet. “Rub your belly once for me.”“Why would I do that?” he wonders out loud. It feels like a strange thing to do. “There’s no reason for this to…”“Then why are you doing it?” she asks, looking like there are many emotions going through her. The clearest are fear and anger. “Sam, if you’re playing a trick on me, it’s not funny.”Sam looks down, seeing his hand indeed rub his stomach almost the same way Dean did back when he was pregnant with the twins. When he wants to stop and pull his hands back, he finds that he can’t.“Uh?” he mutters out in confusion.“Sam! Stop!” she almost shouts out, but it’s enough noise for the boys to wake up again. Sam doesn’t know which one of the two starts crying first, but the two of them are quickly back on their feet to go and check it out.Great, it took them so long to get them to sleep, and now they have to start all over again. Fantastic… Sam sighs, shaking off whatever happened. For now, at least.He knows they need to talk about it. Now isn’t the time for it, though. He’s got his nephews to worry about, again.
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Hi there! Usually I upload every Saturday, but I've missed two weeks already, and I won't be able to upload tomorrow, either. I was on a holiday, and now it turns out my computer has crashed. Until I get it fixed (or a new one), the story will be put on a (hopefully short) temporary pauze. I'll try some alternative ways to write in the meantime, but I'm hoping to retrieve my files from the computer first 😰 See you soonEmm