Work Text
EPISODE 0.0
Preface
Hey peeps! First of all, thank you for stumbling across this crack fan fiction of the not-so-popular Vocaloid pair, LuKaito. For those eager readers who just want to get started with the main story proper and not give a damn about some pointless rambles from the poor author (me), just scroll down or click on the next chapter arrow button and there you go, Luka is already waiting for you in the next chapter.Oh, so you're not in a hurry? Good for you. I shall give you a virtual hug for sparing your precious time to take a break from our hectic daily life and just take it easy. Reading is supposed to be relaxing and enjoyable, right?Anyway.It all began with two American penpals I know through a writing forum, Andromeda Star and Skymaster713. They passed on the contagious Vocaloid virus to me, and got me crazy over the age of true virtual idols.Now, I'm officially a big Luka Megurine fan. I will just admit that I have this really huge crush on the beautiful pink-haired goddess and that I will always own her in my not-so-decent dreams.And if fawning over Luka-sama isn't enough, the fanmade version of Luka and Kaito's "Just Be Friends" duet actually brainwashed me into loving this Vocaloid couple. You'd ask me: what about other Luka pairings? For Luka and Gakupo, personally I like them together only in "Go Google It" (a sadistic Luka plus a masochistic Gakupo is what I call a lovely SM relationship, heh). I'm not very fond of Luka x Len (as much as pairing Kaito with Rin), though I should say that Luka can pair up with any one of the Vocaloid guys effortlessly because she's just too irresistible and drool-worthy.Until this contest prompt by Anime Stars became the push that had me brainstorming and finally came up with this fanfic:Looking back, my first draft of this humorous oneshot was not funny at all. In fact, I spent almost a week pushing myself through an angsty tale with a plot that brought me to nowhere. Out of desperation I trashed the old draft and restarted from square one. Guess what? To my utter amazement, I actually finished my new draft within an hour, which is this very fanfic you'll be reading. I think I should stop watching all those weird Korean horror movies from killing my sense of humor. (Meh, I'm quite a boring guy myself, anyway—hang on, this is totally random.)As I wrote this tale while chuckling away at my ridiculous imagination, I can't help but throw in some bits of references here and there for added comedic effect. For those avid Vocaloid fans, I hope you enjoy the puns and giggles I've included in this crazy story.I wasn't expecting to win in the writing contest because this story sounds kinda nonsensical (well, you'll know what I mean very soon, heh). Half of the time I had no idea why the heck I was actually thinking of such scenes of absurdity. I guess I just wanted to show that sometimes common sense might just force us to swallow our laughter. My "opponent", Deja, was pretty good herself too, and it was really a tough competition against a seasoned writer like her. I'm happy to be able to emerge champion, which has affirmed my growth as a budding writer.Okay, I think I've rambled long enough… But before I end off, I would like to express my gratitude to the following people:
Andromeda Star, for getting me obsessed with the awesomeness of Vocaloid;
Skymaster713, another crazy Vocaloid friend who also dragged me into it, and also being a wonderful beta-reader;
Anime Stars, for coming up with such writing contest and got my brain juice working;
Ravenscara and Kaede Yukine, for listening to my rants about this fanfic;
AkaiChouNoKoe, for the beautiful sketch based on a scene in this story (I must say that I'm really surprised), thank you so much for your enthusiasm;
And most importantly, to all those who have left a review, added this story to their favorite list and/or alert list, added me to their favorite author and/or author alert list when I hosted this story on FanFiction.Net, I really appreciate the support all of you have given me.
Last but not least, once again I thank you for your kind attention to have read this far.As a token of appreciation to all you wonderful readers of this crazy fluff, I've decided to turn this oneshot into a multi-chapter story. I hope you'll like the extras as much as I did while writing them.
ARE YOU READY?
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EPISODE 1.1
The "Express" ElevatorIt was yet another tiring work day.Luka Megurine slung the long coat over her shoulder as she dragged herself towards the expensive apartment she was staying at. She hoped her idiot brother Gakupo had her dinner ready. She wasn't in a good mood right now."Ah, Megurine-sama!" the security guard on duty, a middle-aged man with a shining bald head, greeted her heartily. Too heartily, she mused, and she was well aware that he was ogling at her boobs. She glowered at him. The man shuddered under her intense look."U-Uh, Megurine-sama… A beautiful angel like you shouldn't be so angry—""Shut up, you old pervert."She strode to the elevator, and the door opened to admit her. She glanced up and narrowed her eyes at the security camera on the ceiling, but said nothing. She hit the button to her floor, and the door began to close before her scowling face."Wait up!"Her finger automatically flew to the button to hold the door open and a man slipped in, panting. "T-Thanks!""My pleasure," she replied curtly as the door finally shut itself. She then turned to study him properly.He was a very handsome guy; his sapphire-blue eyes shone brightly beneath a turf of untidy hair of the same shade. He was dressed casually in a black T-shirt bearing the slogan 'F*** THIS WORLD FOR ALL ITS WORTH' and a pair faded jeans, a navy scarf tied loosely around his neck that further accented his hair and eye color, ending with a pair of worn-out sneakers on his feet. In his hand was a plastic bag with the logo of the convenience store across the road, and she could hear the slight clanging of cans inside.She vaguely remembered this man—he was her neighbor living above her—but she had never spoken to him.He seemed to notice her staring at him, and gave her a warm smile.
Doki.
Her heart began to hammer madly in her chest. What's wrong with her?"If I remember correctly, you must be Luka-san who lives below me, right?" he asked, tilting his head slightly."How do you know my name?" she demanded forcefully—a little too forcefully.He chuckled at her sudden agitation. "I was in the same class with Gakupo back in middle school." He then let out a laugh. "That guy never fails to amuse anybody. He's really charming."She stared at him with wide eyes."My apologies for not introducing myself. The name's Kaito." He gave her a small bow.His name rang a bell in her head, but she couldn't quite place where she had heard the name. She nodded at him briefly. "You're probably the first person ever to compliment my stupid brother."Kaito raised an eyebrow. Before he could open his mouth, the elevator lurched violently, throwing the two of them off balance before landing on the floor in a tangled heap."Ouch—""I'm sorry, I—"She gasped as a strange feeling shot through her body. She looked down.He had just grabbed her breast.Her neighbor was as shocked as she, and he immediately released his hand, his face a deep shade of red.The elevator shuddered again, and the lights went out. Luka was so mad that she burst out swearing. She couldn't care less the kind of expression Kaito would have at her colorful language.
After a few minutes, the pair finally detached themselves from one another and sat down side by side. Luka ran a hand down the front of her blouse. Shit."Um, Kaito-san…""Hmm?""The buttons on my blouse…""W-What?" She could feel his restlessness. "I'm really, really sorry!""Not that!" She was feeling extremely embarrassed herself. "I mean, the buttons on my shirt have…burst!"Right, burst. She scolded herself inwardly. What a great choice of words.He seemed to have frozen momentarily, then he was shuffling again. What is he trying to do?"Here." Something soft was thrown over her. She touched the fabric. "You—?""Me going shirtless is better off than you…well, yeah." He trailed off lamely.She removed her blouse and pulled over his shirt. Now she was very glad of the darkness. "Thank you."A moment of silence. "It seems that we're now stuck in the elevator.""…Yeah."She heard him popping open a can. "Soda?"She shook her head. Then she remembered that he couldn't see her. "Uh, no. It's ok."
Another rustling. "Strawberry pudding? The flavor goes well with your hair color."She couldn't help but smile. "Alright." Their fingers touched briefly when she received the pudding from him, and it sent a jolt through her body. She felt herself heating up. She fumbled with the small container before she broke the seal and peeled off the spoon, finally sending big scoops into her mouth with trembling hands.He drank noisily and then set down the empty can. "…How's the purple-haired guy?""My brother?" she swallowed the pudding and scoffed. "That samurai otaku…""Samurai?" he laughed. "He's still into that?""It pisses me off to watch him polishing his katana with a ridiculous face," she huffed. "I seriously have the urge to slit his throat with the sword.""That's scary." There was amusement in his tone. "I remembered that he often boasted about his great onee-sama in class.""What did he say?" She asked too quickly."Hmm…said that he really looked up to her, and was ashamed that he didn't have half of the courage she had."Luka was surprised. "…Did he?""He's a really funny guy." Kaito didn't seem to be listening to her. "No wonder. He has such an interesting girl for a sister."The elevator felt very hot all of a sudden. "Are we running out of air?"He shrugged. "Probably." He let out a yawn. "This is getting awkward—"Luka shushed him. She had heard something. "…Yes!"A low hum rumbled somewhere and the elevator began its ascend, though the lights were still not back on."Wait." She jumped slightly when Kaito grabbed her wrist. "That's odd.""What?"She felt his grip tightening. "We're…accelerating!"
The duo clung onto each other for their dear life as the elevator rocketed upwards. Luka was beginning to feel dizzy."Hang on!" Kaito yelled into her ears over the roar.They slammed against the roof of the elevator when it stopped abruptly before falling back on the floor with a loud thud. Luka realized that she was on top of Kaito, who used his body to cushion her fall. "Are you alright?""I'm…still…alive," he answered weakly and winced.She was very conscious how the warmth from his topless body felt against her skin. She could feel him trying to push her off. "Luka…san?"Then the elevator lunged again, this time speeding down.
Luka's eyes were watering. Her body was aching painfully from the pressure of Kaito's weight on her, combined with the upward force that stuck them to the ceiling of the elevator."This is completely insane!" she screamed, anger bubbling inside her. "What the hell is wrong with this bloody lift?" She quickly closed her mouth, feeling that she could throw up anytime. Kaito's hair was prickling her nose—she felt very uncomfortable, but she didn't know what to do.
Finally, the elevator slowed down and they fell back onto the floor painfully again. Luka looked up to see that she had arrived at her level. She tore out of the darkness into the light when the door opened, dragging Kaito after her."Onee-sama?" Gakupo was running towards them, a Hello Kitty apron over his lavender tracksuit. "What—?" He then let out a gasp. "What have the two of you done?""Done what?" Luka was feeling venomous. She turned around…And looked straight into the shirtless Kaito. She began to blush furiously. She had forgotten that she was still wearing his tee. "Wait, I—""Kaito nii-chan's back?" Two small figures appeared behind Gakupo—a pair of blond twins. They widened their eyes at the sight before them, then they both exchanged a mischievous grin and bellowed, "Kaito nii-chan has a sexy girlfriend!""That's enough, Rin, Len!" Kaito was also as scarlet as Luka. "That's not—""Kaito?" Gakupo's purple eyes were leaking with tears of joy. "Is it true? You and my sister?" He didn't wait for an answer and began to whoop around with the twins. "They are going to get married~""That's not it!" Luka shouted at the crazy trio.They became quiet. Gakupo turned to his sister. "Then—?""Go Google it." She threw him a dirty look before she stormed into her house, followed by a shivering and slightly bruised Kaito.
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EPISODE 2.1
"Just Be Friends"? I Think Not!
What the hell am I doing?
Luka couldn't stop pacing around her own room, her heart beating so fast that she could literally feel it hammering hard against her chest. She had changed out of Kaito's shirt for a fresh one from her wardrobe. She insisted Kaito to use her bathroom and get a quick shower as an apology for getting him dirty (he did use his own body to cushion her from getting bruised from the rouge elevator ride just now). She also helped herself to some of Gakupo's spare clothes for him to change into, where they were neatly folded on her bed.She stole a glance towards the bathroom at the blurred silhouette of a man beyond the frosted glass door. Why did I make him use my private bathroom? I could have just got him to use the one along the hallway, right? …Or I just want to get a chance to see him naked again? She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the indecent images from her head.A muffled tune from the bathroom stopped her in mid-pace:
"Just be friends, all we gotta do
Just be friends, it's time to say goodbye
Just be friends, all we gotta do
Just be friends, just be friends, just be friends…"
Luka chuckled to herself—that guy was really singing in the shower. At first she was merely humming to the song herself, but before she knew it she ended up singing along with him. She was vaguely aware that he increased his volume to match hers; when they reached the chorus part she was completely into the song. She had to admit that the little duet actually helped to lift up her mood considerably and cleared her clouded mind.Unfortunately, the song had to come to an end—and so was her sweet trance. She was surprised at the sight of him walking out of the bathroom dressed in a white bathing robe, his sapphire-blue hair freshly wet from the shower. Her eyes paused at his partially-bared muscular chest, and she could feel the heat creeping up her neck to her cheeks.He was oblivious to her apparent discomfort. "You have a very beautiful voice," he grinned at her. "It was fun singing a duet with you. Well, I was a little embarrassed when you started to sing with me…""I-I like your voice too!" she blurted out before she could stop herself. She saw that he raised his eyebrows in disbelief, so she pouted, "I'm serious!"He laughed. "I'm honored to receive such a compliment from you. Actually I'm pretty much a bathroom singer—I can't sing beyond those four walls." His face was so close to hers—she could smell her strawberry-scented shampoo on him. He used my shampoo…"Are those for me?" He peered over her shoulder and pointed to the clothes on her bed. She nodded silently. He moved over to the bed while he slipped his robe off his left shoulder. Luka wanted to yell at him for being too carelessly casual around her, but she noticed that he winced as he bent down to pick up the shirt. There was a big bruise on the back of his shoulder."I'm sorry that you're injured because of me."He turned around, surprised at her sudden apology. He spotted her staring at the purplish mark on his shoulder and raised a hand to cover it. "This…is nothing."She let out a sigh. He was really a bad liar—those deep blue eyes told her so. She strode towards him, her gaze still locked with his. She pulled off his hand gently and touched the bruise…And she poked it, hard.He let out a gasp of pain and stepped back, sitting on her bed from the shock. She was impressed that he didn't scream from that—Gakupo would, even if she only just pinched his mosquito bite mark. She glared at him sternly. "Now you just sit still while I fix that ugly patch.""Uh, there's no need for you to—" He got up to his feet. He gave her a weak smile, which wasn't able to hide his nervousness."I said sit." She forced him down on her bed and pulled out a bruise cream from one of her drawers. She pried open the lid, dabbing the thick white cream on the blue-black area. She rubbed it around a few times until the color of the cream disappeared. "Better?"He didn't respond; instead, he simply stared at her blankly. Finally he blinked and murmured, "…Thank you." He suddenly got up and snatched up the clothes, heading straight to the bathroom. "I'll go and get changed.""W-Wait!" She grabbed his hand. "I…I'll help you change."
What the hell did I just say?
His face began to turn pink. "I can do it myself—""I insist!""H…Huh?"Both of them lost their balance and fell onto the bed together. Luka pushed herself up and looked down.Kaito's bathing robe was loosened in the struggle, and she found herself staring at his topless body for the second time in a day. He turned his head sideways and glanced at her from the corner of his eye, the pink on his face was now a deep shade of red. "L-Luka…san?"She was momentarily frozen at the stimulating sight before her. Various thoughts—from sensible to dirty—were all spinning in her head so fast that she was starting to feel very dizzy. "I…" Her strength seemed to be sucked out of her. "Um, I…"Her arms suddenly gave way and she collapsed on top of him."Luka-san!" She was dimly aware of how close his concerned voice was to her ears—to her, it felt nothing more than a tickling whisper. He gently pushed her off and turned around to face her, both of them still lying on the bed. He placed his cool hands around her warm cheeks. "Are you having a fever?"She was slightly alarmed when he pulled her face nearer to his and their forehead touched; her body felt detached from her mind as her arms automatically put themselves around the bluehead before her. Kaito seemed unfazed at the closeness; he simply allowed himself to be led towards her, their lips inches away from each other…"Say cheese!"Both of them sat up at the sudden flash of blinding light. They were stunned to see a purple-haired guy beaming at them with a digital camera in his hand. The blond twins were both tugging at the hem of his Hello Kitty apron. "Gakupo nii-chan~ Lemme see, lemme see!"Gakupo squatted down to show picture to the twins. "They are a really cute couple, aren't they?""Waaaah~ Kaito nii-chan is so cool!" One of the twins—the boy—exclaimed when he brought the camera up to his face. His girl twin snatched it away from him. "Muu~ Luka nee-chan is so pretty! Rin is jealous!""So who's with me that they should get married right away?""Yes! Yes!" the twins danced around Gakupo and screamed."Wha—?" Kaito opened his mouth to speak, but Luka beat him to it. "What the hell are you all doing in my room?" she screeched, particularly at her idiot brother."Hmm? Onee-sama?" Even after receiving a direct voice attack from his furious sister, Gakupo still had the stupid grin plastered on his face. "Oh yeah, I also have recorded your singing! It's absolutely lovely!" He plucked the camera out of Rin's small hands and flashed the video before Luka's face; both Kaito's and her voice came out strong from the loudspeaker:
"koe o karashite sakenda
hankyou zankyou munashiku hibiku
hazusareta kusari no sono saki wa
nani hitotsu nokotte ya shinai kedo
futari o kasaneteta guuzen
anten dansen hakanaku chiji ni
shosen konna mono sa tsubuyaita
kareta hoho ni tsutau dareka no namida…"
Rin and her brother bobbed their head, clapping and humming to the tune. Gakupo sighed and wiped away his tears. "Ah, such a sad song… So touching…""G-G-Give me the camera!" Luka lunged for the device in Gakupo's hand. He simply smirked at her and raised it above her head. "Too bad that now I'm taller than you, muwahahahahaha…""Ga-ku-po!"He quickly dodged Luka's punch and stuck out his tongue at her before running out of the room, whistling. A moan behind her made Luka turned around…And she wished that she didn't. She gaped at the somewhat-erotic scene before her.Both blond kids were crowding around the bluehead: the boy was licking and leaving kiss marks on Kaito's bare neck, while Rin was tracing his abs with her finger. "S-Stop it, Len! That tickles! And w-what are you doing, Rin?""Kaito nii-chan hasn't have sex with Luka nee-chan yet, right?""H-H-H… Huh?"Rin suddenly whipped out a square package—Luka was shocked to recognize that it was actually a condom—from her pocket. "P-Please give your first to Rin!"Kaito was as stunned as Luka. "Where…where did you get that?""Gakupo nii-chan gave it to Rin." The twin girl put a corner of the condom pack in her mouth. "Pweesh (please)?""W-What are you saying?" Kaito stretched out a hand, but Len suddenly grabbed it and started sucking his fingers. Luka noticed that Len was giving Rin an evil look, and the twin girl returned him with a glower.Kaito sighed and pulled his finger out of Len's mouth, then snatched the condom pack away from between Rin's lips. "That's enough. Now get out while I have to wash myself again.""Can we bathe with Kaito nii-chan?""No," he replied them firmly. "Just behave yourselves and stop stirring up more trouble, or else no fruity puddings for you two." He looked up and spotted Luka staring at them, then gave her an apologetic smile, mouthing the word "sorry" while he pushed the sulking twins out of the room."Y-You're pretty calm about that," Luka commented humorlessly as she slammed the door shut behind them.Kaito shrugged and strolled towards the bathroom. He tossed the condom pack into the bin before rinsing away Len's saliva on his hands. "Rin and Len are just my cousins, but we're this close like siblings because I often have to babysit them while their parents are busy with work." He wiped his neck with a towel and looked into the mirror, frowning at the kiss marks. "I dunno what's wrong with them today. Normally they aren't like this.""Kids nowadays sure grow up very fast, huh?" Luka felt shameful that the young twins could be so open about the adult world while she, already a grown-up, was still cowering and running away from it."Maybe." He tightened the sash around his robe and got out, nearly walking straight into her. "Uh… I'm really sorry about all that." Why is he blushing?"You don't have to apologize. It's not your fault…" She felt her heart racing wildly once more. Stop running away, she told herself, determined. Face it."Luka-san?"She grabbed the front of his robe and pulled him closer to her. He seemed to have realized what she was planning to do and his cheeks reddened further. "Luka-san, I…"A shuffling sound from the door distracted them from the awkward development. It was Gakupo with his camera again, peeping at them through the gap with the twins. "Ehehe, we've been spotted.""It's ok!" Rin was rubbing her hands together with glee. "Luka nee-chan can have Kaito nii-chan's body after Rin has taken away his first—""No! Len will be Kaito nii-chan's first!"Something clicked in Luka's mind. Didn't Rin mention that idiot gave her the…whatever it was? What had that guy been teaching the poor innocent twins?"GA-KU-PO!" Luka screamed at her brother, positively murderous now. "DIE, YOU PERVERT!"
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EPISODE 1.2
Another "Express" Elevator!?
(PREVIEW CHAPTER)It was becoming a habit for Kaito Shion to hang out in the house of his best buddy, Gakupo Megurine—who also happened to be his downstairs neighbor—whenever he had to babysit his Kagamine cousins. Unlike his carefree friend, he didn't have much time to entertain the mischievous twins on top of his hectic college timetable, especially so on days when he had to prepare for pop quizzes and tests, or when he was rushing to finish his reports and essays. He was relieved to have Gakupo helping him out so that he could spend more time to catch up with his studies.…Well, not so when he was often being ordered to do grocery shopping. The twins had quite an appetite and always managed to empty the fridge of anything edible; worse, there were occasions when Gakupo would be cheeky enough to join forces with the Kagamines to bully him—Kaito knew very well that idiotic purple-haired samurai otaku wouldn't have enough balls to get on his wrong side (he got a black belt in karate, mind you). The presence of the young twins was what kept him from punching Gakupo's silly face into a meat pulp.A loud sigh escaped from between his lips as he forced his tired frame towards the luxurious apartment building; the bag of clanging metals felt like it weighed a ton beside him. He strode past the bald, middle-aged security guard, who seemed to be gaping stupidly at the elevator ahead. Kaito began to pick up his speed and shouted after the silhouette behind the closing doors, "Wait up!"Luckily for him, the person in the elevator did hold the doors long enough for him to slip through the gap between before they were firmly shut behind him. He gasped out a word of gratitude and the elevator began its usual ascend. He tensed when he noticed who his 'savior' was.Luka Megurine.There was no mistake about the beautiful lady—no, goddess—who was standing beside him in the same squarish space: the long light pink hair that emitted a soft glow under the fuzzy amber lights, the tight white blouse that hugged her curves in all the right places… He finally peeled his gaze away from her cleavage and stared right into a pair of questioning, azure eyes. He hurriedly gave her a small smile, hoping that he wasn't being seen as a pervert. He shuddered inwardly at the thought of falling into the same league as the lazy eggplant who was waiting for food with the starving twins.As the awkward silence stretched on, he decided to break the staring contest and spoke first, "…If I remember correctly, you must be Luka-san who lives right below me, right?""How do you know my name?"He was somewhat taken aback at the sudden forcefulness in her throaty voice and laughed weakly. "I was in the same class with Gakupo back in middle school. That guy never fails to amuse anybody. He's really charming." Yeah, very charming with his NSFW jokes and his precious stash of H-magazines not for the eyes of little brats, he thought darkly.Luka didn't blink; he could feel her hard look burning into his very being. "My apologies for not introducing myself. The name's Kaito." He then lowered his head, cursing quietly to himself at the lame introduction.The pinkette acknowledged him with a quick nod, but her eyes remained glassy, giving no sign of recognition even after hearing his name. "You're probably the first person ever to compliment my stupid brother."No! I wasn't trying to praise that stupid eggplant! Before he could voice out his thought, the elevator came to a halt so suddenly that threw the two of them off balance onto the polished floor. He raised his hand to shield his eyes from the glaring brightness when his fingers felt something soft and he froze.He had just grabbed her breast.Heat began to flare up somewhere inside him, and he was sure that his childhood crush would be able to hear the loud beating of his wild, racing heart. What a way to leave an impression on a girl…The elevator lurched violently again, and this time the lights went out, plunging the pair into total darkness—which Kaito was secretly very glad about, for he didn't want Luka to see the wide grin on his face at her angry curses that could pretty much put anyone to shame.
Kaito was dimly aware of Luka detaching herself from him, and he couldn't help but feeling a little disappointed at the quick end of their short skinship. For damned sake just snap out of it already—"Um, Kaito-san…" His ears picked up the slight tremble in her thick voice, which thankfully helped to turn his attention away from his inner torment."H-Hmm?""The buttons on my blouse…""W-What?" he blurted, panicking. Did my naughty hand do something bad to her? "I'm really, really sorry!""Not that! I mean, the buttons on my shirt have…burst!"
TO BE CONTINUED…