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This is something that I have been wanting to talk about with her, for a while now to be honest. I want her to know that I care about her, that I really do. But I don’t love her like I used to. I don’t know when that happened, all I know is that she was my world…until recently when I didn’t want to be with her anymore. She doesn’t appeal to me anymore, she’s not as beautiful to me anymore. She is a beautiful girl, but I just don’t feel anything when I look at her anymore. I hate that it happened, but I can’t be with her anymore. I don’t think she deserves it. She deserves a guy who loves her back, who wants to hold her close.
I can’t be that guy, I really want to be, but I can’t. Not when I know what I know now. It’s completely dumb, I don’t even know when I started to look that way, but I did and now I can’t look at my girlfriend the way I used to. And I know that she’ll not be happy, well that was obvious, but she’s….
Ok, just going to have to tell her, sooner than later. I wouldn’t her to find out about this from anyone else. Then she would never talk to me again. I’ve known her for a long time, been together for a little over half of that time. I need to tell her before I do something stupid.
I head to where I asked her to meet me, I was hoping to tell her tonight but she said that she had to cancel our date for tonight. I don’t know why, she didn’t tell me why. But we can meet for coffee right now. She’s been canceling a lot lately, saying that she has something already planned and forgot, or she can’t make it.
I don’t mind, I mean maybe it’s because that has happened I’ve realized that I don’t really have feelings for her anymore. Harsh, but at least if she’s cheating I won’t feel bad for telling her all of this.
I get to the Café and she’s there already with a coffee for me and has her iced one. She’s flirting with someone though, that I can tell because I know when she’s flirting. Wow…really? She knew I was coming, and that I am on time when we meet up.
I clear my throat when I walk up to her, she stops talking looking innocent, pfft. I know you’ve been flirting.
“Hey! You’re early!” She smiles getting up to hug me.
“I’m on time actually, you’re the one that’s early.” I tell her with a smile. Why is she being weird today? What the hell.
She looked guilty. I don’t know if I even want to know what she was doing here.
“I have something to tell you. Please, please wait to talk until I tell you everything.” I tell her, looking down, sighing while sitting down. She looks taken aback but nods. “For a month now, or more, I’m not sure honestly, but I haven’t felt the same about you. I still care about you, I do, but I just…I don’t love you like that anymore. And it didn’t help that you’ve cancelled on our dates for a while now.” I tell her, I can’t look at her right now, I don’t want to see what she looks like while I’m telling her this. “I just think that we should break up, you deserve someone who loves you like you love them. Someone who can make you happy.” I say softly.
This is something that is hard for me to do, I did love her, I actually thought that I would marry her someday, but now….I can’t see that happening. At all.
“Are you cheating on me?!” She snaps looking pissed off.
“What the fuck?” I look at her like she’s crazy, “Where the hell did you get that from? I told you that I don’t feel the same about you anymore and you automatically think that I’m cheating?!” I just get up and walk out, I know not the most mature thing to do, but I can’t believe that she thinks that I’d cheat on her. It’s ridiculous.
I don’t even care about her now, the fact that I’ve never cheated on her, ever, because I loved her and she thinks that I would now? Just because I told her that I don’t feel the same about her. I don’t like she thought that right away. I’m not that kind of guy, she knows this, everyone does. They know that I am a faithful guy, why would I cheat and ruin something that I’ve wanted for so long?
“Wait!” I turn around when I hear her running after me, “Lan, I’m sorry!” She cries, looking not so sorry. “I shouldn’t have assumed that. That was uncalled for.” She looks down. “But why didn’t you tell me this before?” She asks looking hurt.
“I was trying to, but you always cancelled on me, or saying that you couldn’t make it. And then I didn’t want to tell you over text or call and tell you.” I shrug putting my hands in my pockets.
She nods looking down. “Ok.” Then she looks at me with this look, I back up a couple of steps. “I’m happy now, I found someone while I was cancelling on you. I didn’t want to tell you. I’d hope that you break up with me soon, but you didn’t but at least you did now.” She smirks thinking that she’s hurting my feelings.
But she just made this easier, at least know now that she has someone. My feelings for her went away when she started to cancel on me, and told me that she couldn’t make it because of already made plans. How could she have already made plans? I gave her a week notice when I wanted to take her out on a date. She knows I always do that. I doubt she does that with anyone else.
“That’s good. I’m happy for you.” I smile at her and walk away. Feeling lighter now that I have that off my chest.
I don’t even look back at her, she would expect that from me, and I don’t really care to see her reaction to what I said. I bet she thought that I would get all hurt about it, but I was relieved that she told me that honestly. At least she has someone that likes her.
Now I don’t know what to do with my time, I mean I can do what I normally do when I wasn’t with her, and I can go out now without having to worry about her being ok with it.
I’m such a loser.
I don’t even know what to do now. I don’t have a girlfriend, I don’t have to worry about going out and telling her that someone danced with me. Because yeah, I was that boyfriend and told her what happened while I was out. I loved her. I wasn’t going to cheat. I mean I may have looked at some girls while I was out, but I wasn’t going to do anything about it.
I can’t believe that she cheated on me, I mean I suspected it and so did my best friend, but I didn’t think that she would.
Doesn’t matter now. I broke up with her, she won’t be in my life anymore, hopefully anyways. Not after she told me she was cheating on me.
Rambling, that is what I’m doing….maybe I am a little hurt that she cheated on me. I mean I never did with her. And she can just go and cheat on me with someone, while she was still with me. She couldn’t break up with me before she did that? Bitch.
I kept on walking away from there, from her, and I bump into someone but they keep walking while I fell on my ass. I shake my head and chuckle. Some people.
“Are you ok?” This guy comes up to me with a concerned expression.
I really don’t want to think this, but he is cute, in a boyish way and I kind of don’t say anything for a few seconds, which makes him blush.
“I am, sorry!” I rush out when I notice that I am probably creeping him out by staring at him. “I wasn’t watching where I was walking.” I explain when he helps me up. I don’t notice that I held his hand too long, and drop it slowly hoping that he doesn’t notice. Doesn’t seem like he did though.
“Ok man, just checking. Man, can’t believe the nerve of some people.” He chuckles looking nervous. He looks even cuter like this.
I should probably mention that what I found out was that I am attracted to guys now. I mean woman still look beautiful to me, but I don’t feel the attraction towards them now. I feel it towards guys, but not woman now. Which is why I had to break it off with her.
“I know dude, but no harm done.” I shrug giving him a smile. I see someone standing there watching us talk. “Is that someone you know?” I ask him, nodding to the guy standing there.
Cute dude, that is what I shall call him until I get his name, looks behind him with a smile but it drops when he sees who is there. “My ex.” He mumbles looking down, like he’s ashamed. Why would he be? Do I look like the type of guy to judge? Or be homophobic?
“So, you’re single?” I ask instead of what I was going to say. Actually, I don’t even know what I was going to say. But I blush red when I realize what I said. Then it’s my turn to look down.
“Yeah, I am.” He laughs.
I look up at him, still blushing. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that.” I tell him awkwardly. He just chuckles and tells me that it’s ok. “I don’t know what I was going to say anyways, but that came out. But I was thinking of asking for your name.” I smile at him, he’s a little bit shorter than me, which I like, a lot.
“My name is Mark.” He giggles, frikkin giggles.
“Nice to meet you Mark.” I smile holding my hand out to him, “Mines Landon.” I shake his hand.
I feel like this is already starting to look up for me. I mean this guy is cute, my ex has someone else.
Oh! I should mention that while I was waiting to tell her that I don’t love her anymore. I came to accept that I am attracted to guys, in a romantic, sexual way. It was weird for me to go through that alone, but I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. I mean I have my best girl friend, she’s pansexual. So I know that she won’t judge, but I’ve been straight for so long. I don’t know, I think I’m still a little weirded out by this all. At least I can say that this is cute, and that I’d like to get to know him more.
“Nice to meet you too.” He grins, looking back behind him, seeing if his ex walked away. He did, he left when he heard Mark giggle. “This may come off blunt, but I need to ask you this.” He looks nervous again. “Are you gay?” He whispers blushing now.
“I am.” I answer easily, I’m twenty-two now, I don’t want to hide away from it, or say that I’m not when I really am. “New information for me too, or it’s new to me.” I fumble with my words. This just got embarrassing for me. I look away and behind me, which I am happy that I did, she’s walking this way with some guy. She looks pissed. “Shit!” I hiss. I turn back to Mark and see him looking at someone behind me also.
“She looks like she is on a mission with her boyfriend.” He comments. He looks at me again, “Ex?” He asks softly. I nod. “She doesn’t know?” I shake my head. “How about we hide in here?” He points to the mall entrance beside us. I nod again and he takes my hand. “I hate when that happens, I mean I knew I was gay right away, everyone accepted me, except some bullies and my parents. But they still send me Christmas cards and stuff. But they don’t acknowledge me as their son anymore.” He rambles and I feel bad for him.
But I can kind of relate to him, no one knows about me being gay. I know that my parents will kind of be ok with it, but then again, I haven’t gotten an answer about how they feel about gays, they accept Elliot, she’s my best friend. But they haven’t even said anything about accepting it either, someone being gay, but I also haven’t heard anything negative. Damn. This is going to suck.
“I’m sorry,” I frown when we stop at one the many Starbucks in here. “That sounds harsh.” I shake my head and without thinking about it, I grab one of his hands and hold it comfortingly. “They shouldn’t be treating you like that.” I say softly.
“You sound like my ex.” He smiles letting me know that he’s teasing.
“Well unlike your ex…ok…I had something but I lost it.” I laugh slumping against the table. Wow, such a smooth talker Landon. I shake my head as he laughs at me too.
“It’s ok.” He laughs while still holding my hand.
I grin and look down, is it strange that I want something to happen between us? Like I hope that he becomes my boyfriend honestly. I like him, I like his laugh and his smile. He’s cute. Maybe I’ll start with getting to know each other first.