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If it had all been a dream, then it was a good dream. A dream worth fighting for. A dream worth dying for. Anders lay in the mud, the love of his life cradling him in her arms in the pouring rain , begging for him to stay awake. He touched her face shakily and looked into her eyes one last time.
She knew in that instant and her skin paled. "Anders, no, Anders, just hold on."
If he could, he would. He would have done anything for her. He just learned it too late. They had only been given a little time, just days, when everything was laid out and bare. He thought they would have years on the run, time to heal, time to forgive. There was so little time and his mind was fading fast. He had only one chance to leave her, one chance to get this right.
With his dying breath, he whispered, "I'm sorry."
The world grew black and the last thing he heard was Hawke crying.
***He dreamed of having legs. The corporeal experience of them. What it meant to walk, to run. What feet against sand felt like, what it felt to be ticklish. He dreamed of sore muscles and aching thighs. He dreamed of them and found that he was no longer drifting. Through the thin green haze, he could see them. His legs. He had walked before. He could remember that.Compassion circled around him. "You were among them too long. Eight years. Eight years with a body, seven living beside a human soul. You miss breathing. You feel as if you are suffocating."Wisdom whispered, "You are not a Spirit, nor are you a Demon. The mortal has been stripped from you. You mourn him. You mourn mortality."Love murmured, "You miss her. You have no heart but it still beats for her."Compassion said, "He will fade."Wisdom replied, "It is nature to fade and come again anew. It is time. There is too much Vengeance in him, too much of Anders still. It will be a kinder fate."
No, he tried to say, I need to go back. I have to go back.
Compassion's hand brushed against his and he felt a pulse form, a little rapid beat in his emerging fingers.
"You have enough strength," Compassion said. "Strength for one last act of magic. Think of the soul you have gained, Justice. Think of it and step back into the world of men."
Wisdom warned, "He will be mortal. He will die."
Love said, "It is said that it is better to live one life with love than to wander all the ages alone. Even if he is made anew, he will be lost without her."
Wisdom retorted, "A Spirit cannot be in love."
Compassion replied, "He is more man than spirit now. But it is up to him to decide."
There was no doubt in his heart. Then I choose a mortal life.
Love said, "Then dream of your soul, Justice. Dream of your body formed and you will find her again."
***
He woke in pain. Every part of his body hurt. His body. It was strange and unfamiliar and he almost found himself panicking. He was alone. Why was he alone?
He stood up shakily, aware that he was both naked and in the middle of a dirt road. It took him a moment to realize that he should be wearing clothes and he tried to cover himself with his hands.
He looked around, trying to gain sense of where he was. His mind offered possibilities, places that had once meant something. Only two words came to mind and he quickly dismissed them both. It was too warm and dry for Amaranthine and the damp castle he vaguely remembered. It was not Kirkwall with its destruction and heat. No, no he could go to neither of these places though he once called them home.
His chest ached, a strange and inexplicable sense of loss flooding him. He was mourning someone. He shouldn't be alone. He was never alone. It was never so quiet. He was gone. His friend was gone. The sadness was gone, the grief and the despair. It was faded away, along with the hope and faith that had tempered it. All was stripped away, only the roots of it left in him.
He heard someone coming and he turned to see a horse drawn caravan pulling to a stop beside him. Five small children poked their heads out, giggling at him. An older man came out and the stranger used his hand to block the sight of the nude man in the road.
"Need some help there, friend?"
He agreed, "Yes."
"Come on up. We're headed to Starkhaven if you'd like a lift."
His mind screamed NO NO NO NO.
Seeing his hesitation, the stranger said, "You're from Kirkwall, ain't you? If you're looking for a place to get your feet back on the ground, you should head to Markham. Lots of work there in the mines, good honest work. I can get you as far as the pass before we keep going north. You'd only have a day or two's walk after that."
He replied quietly, "I need clothes."
"You're a big lad but my eldest boy's nearly your height. We'll see what we can do."
He hesitated and then climbed onboard.
"I'm Oliver. This here is my boys Rob, Daniel, and Carter. Rob, give the man some trousers and a shirt, will yeah? Those other two are my nephews Will and Teddy. What's your name?"
He hesitated. He had names before. He was Kristoff once, but not truly. He was Anders, but Anders was gone and a gaping wound. Before he was a man...he had a virtue, no name that meant anything to anyone other than him.
"I don't know," he admitted.
Oliver whistled. "That bad of thing, eh? Go get changed. We'll get some drink in you and we'll get to know each other. Will, lead the horses for a bit."
The boys shuffled around, giving him space to dress. He was struck by the oddness of the sensation. This was not the remains of a once strong man nor the sturdy slender frame he had thought of as his. His body was strange. It was not right.
"Someone mug you?" Oliver asked. "Hit you too hard?"
He lied, "Yes."
"You remember much before that?"
He remembered the terrifying depths beneath the surface, of the creatures that threatened the world. He remembered the fierce Qunari. He remembered the constant fear of footsteps outside of his door.
But mostly he remembered something more basic and primal. He yearned for someone. Not Anders who he knew as dead and gone. The loss of Anders shattered his soul but his heart ached for someone they had both loved. He remembered love.
He looked up at Oliver and realized that he had to continue to lie. "I was a mason in Kirkwall. I was leaving to avoid the war. I was alone. No family left."
Oliver nodded sympathetically. "I heard the city was devastated. I'm sorry to hear that. You haven't had much luck, have you? Well, don't you worry. We're only a day or two from the mountains and a few days after that and we'll get you to Markham. Maybe you'll run into someone you know and your noggin will start fixing itself."
He needed a name. People did not trust a nameless man. Anders' true name floated into his mind but it felt wrong to utter it aloud now. The remnant of Anders' memories suggested dozens of names and starting to feel impatient, he picked one.
"Aaron," he said. "My name is Aaron."
Oliver clapped him on the back. "See? It's already coming back to you. Good. Carter, get the man a drink."
Anders called me Justice. But Anders wasn't Anders and I am not Aaron. I am not Kristoff. I am not Justice. I am not Vengeance. I do not know who I am.
The man who called himself Aaron spent the hours playing a game called Wicked Grace, which he vaguely recalled. He had no money to play with but the teenage boys did not seem to mind. They were bored future apprentices looking to squire for knights of the growing Starkhaven army. They did not do so out of love of war or for the glory of the future King. They simply needed work.
He traveled with them until their roads diverged. He wished them well and took the road towards Markham. He did not know what he would find, but he knew what he sought. It had become clearer to him, every day and ever night as he grew more comfortable in his mortal form. He had come back to this world for a purpose. He was looking for the woman they had loved. The one he still loved.
***
Aaron rested that night by the river though it was too cold to sleep outdoors. Though he closed his eyes, his mind raced too much. His body hurt and the hard ground did not make that any easier. He was growing used to this new form though he had still not been able to see his face. It did not matter, he supposed, but he knew the moment he saw that it was not Anders looking back at him was the moment he would fall apart.
He loved him too. You could not share a soul for so long and not love them. His missing presence grew painful when all was quiet around him. He felt alone, so painfully alone he wanted to break into tears.
When it grew too light to sleep, Aaron washed his face in the cold waters and drank until his belly was full. Once he arrived in town, he would be able to work for some food. Anders had gone days without eating and Justice remembered hunger. He could survive it.
Aaron was relacing his boots when he heard commotion on the road. He finished his task and left the riverbank, seeking the sounds of a skirmish.
There were two women, obviously mages, fighting against a half dozen Templars. Aaron stepped back as he was unarmed but then he saw one's face. He remembered her. Merrill. The little blood mage with innocent eyes and a heavy heart. He had no strong feelings either way about her personality but the familiarity of her presence made him ache. Despite any disagreements they might have once had, she was one of his clan.
Aaron called out her name and the elf looked at him briefly in confusion before going back to the fight. The other elven woman cocked her head to look at Aaron and though it had been years, her face brought back a time and place both he and Anders had tried to forget. Velanna. He had thought she was dead.
Velanna shouted something to Merrill in Dalish and they stood back to back. Together they cast a wave through the earth, knocking the last two Templars off their feet. Merrill tugged on Velanna's hand and they started to run towards Markham.
Aaron called out Velanna's name but she did not turn back. Both kept running. He ran after them, surprised at the agility in his new form. He kept pace with them until they eventually slowed and he caught up to them, gasping.
"Where is Hawke?" He pleaded.
Velanna reached for her staff and Merrill put her hand on hers to stop her. "Wait, sister. He was running from the Templars as we were and he knew our names."
"Then he is a spy," Velanna insisted. "Even if he appears to be weak, he cannot be allowed to follow us. Let us kill this shem and be gone."
Aaron insisted, "Please, I am not a spy. I do not wish to hurt you. I am just trying to find her. Please, help me find her."
Merrill cocked her head. "Do I know you? You look familiar."
Velanna glared still at Aaron and he pleaded, "Do you remember the night before the attack on Vigil's Keep? Anders spilled a drink on your furs and you attempted to set his hair on fire in retaliation. The Warden Commander forced you to sit in separate corners and I sat beside you because you were shaking. You were afraid and you let me comfort you, even though you did not trust me. I did not ask you then to do so but I ask you now, Velanna. I will explain everything but I need to see her. Please."
Velanna's face softened as he spoke, her eyes growing wider. He saw the age on her face now, the hard seven years since he had left Amaranthine.
"You should be dead," she replied coolly.
Aaron said, "I was for a time."
Merrill looked in confusion between the two of them. "Do you know him?"
"We need to get him back to the safe house. We'll blindfold him and plug his ears. Bind his hands too. We'll let Hawke decide what to do with him."
***
For a few hours, Aaron was led by rope down the roads and onto thick grass. He tried to stay upright, but whichever woman was guiding him was tugging too hard. He did not complain, though he was tired and thirsty. He had felt worse.
He hit his head as he was led down a flight of stairs and he grew dizzy. Still, he managed to keep walking until he was tossed down in a chair. He was fully bound to it before the cotton was taken from his ears and the scarf from his eyes.
He adjusted to the dim candlelight and glanced around the room he found himself in. It was little more than a closet, with no windows and no carpet or rugs on the floor. It was clean though and while it smelled a little damp it did not seem to be that far underground if it was at all.
Velanna and Merrill had left the door open, allowing Aaron full view of the woman walking down the hall towards him. His breath caught in his chest and for the first time in this form, tears started welling in his eyes.
He had thought, perhaps, that Adaia Hawke would be less beautiful seen through another man's eyes. But in that moment, Aaron could not have been more taken with her. For the first time, he saw her without the influence of Anders' undying love for her. And she still took his breath away.
Her grief was plain as she entered the room. Her face was worn and tired, her whole body slumped with invisible weight. Her eyes met his and a little of her light returned to her expression. Aaron's heart pounded loudly in his ears.
Hawke leaned against the wall and looked down at him. "I've heard you wanted to see me. I can't say I really want to encourage visitors to stop by, but Velanna has convinced me I should make an exception for you. You want to tell me who exactly you are?"
He answered, "I'm Justice."
Hawke burst into laughter. "And here I thought Velanna didn't have a sense of humour. All right now, I know Varric must have put you up to this. He probably saw someone with the bluest eyes known to man and put a few silvers in your pocket. Right? Is that what this about?"
Aaron replied quietly, "You told Varric that when Anders confessed his love to you that you offered him a sandwich. But that is not what you said that night."
Hawke's face fell. "Excuse me?"
"You said to him that you loved him so much that one day it would kill you."
Hawke pulled a knife from her boot and held it to his throat. She kicked his chair back, forcing him lower as she pressed the blade lightly into his skin.
She hissed, "Tell me who the hell you really are, right now."
"I am telling you the truth. I promise you, Hawke. We swore it to you when we left Kirkwall that night. We would never lie to you again. Not ever."
"How is this possible?" She demanded. "You should be dead."
"I was," he admitted. "I rejoined my kin in the Fade but I was no longer one of them. I had spent too much time in your world and I had changed. I was to break down and grow anew as a new Spirit, but I knew if I did that I would forget my time among you and never be whole again. So I was given a choice and I came back. With the last of my magic, I created this body and sought to find you. Anders' loss destroys me too. I loved him as my own soul. But I loved you more. You have changed my very nature, Hawke. If you wish to kill me now, I will go back to the Fade once more, but at least I will have seen your face once more."
Hawke's hand shook and she dropped the blade to the ground. She let the chair rest back on the ground and stepped back from him, covering her mouth with her hand.
"Do you believe me?" He asked.
She closed her eyes and nodded.
"What will you do with me?"
"I don't know," she whispered.
He longed to hold her as he had once, when he had not truly appreciated what it meant. He retreated when Anders was physical with her, not feeling it was his place, saying that it was a waste of time when the pleasure was brief and procreation was impossible. But in that moment he would have given anything to kiss her again. It had made her smile before. He wanted to do whatever he could to take away the pain in her eyes.
"I'll get someone to...to untie you and make sure you get something to eat," she managed to say. "I'm sorry, I can't...I can't right now."
Hawke fled from the room and Aaron's heart sank in his chest. He had hurt her. They had promised to love her better, he and Anders, but so far they had only managed to continue bringing her pain. His own selfish need for her had brought him here, not a desire to comfort her. He should never have come back into this world. There was no place for him here.
***
Hawke pulled Velanna aside the moment she could, the two mages climbing up into the sleeping quarters while the rest of their comrades remained below.
Hawke sat at the edge of her bunk, her hands still trembling. Velanna stood across from her, a solemn look on her face.
"Does Merrill know?" Hawke asked.
Velanna shook her head. "No. I said he was a smuggler I knew in Amaranthine and that he might be useful."
Then Hawke asked, her voice breaking, "Do you believe him?"
Velanna hesitated. "I think I do."
Hawke admitted, "Maker, I do too. I don't know what I do now. He's just as much as a war criminal as Anders was, but there are maybe a dozen people living who know what he is. I do not think he is a mage so he is no danger there. I..."
Velanna said quietly, "You only know him as the force that drove Anders to his end. But I knew both of them before they joined. You can do what you wish with him, but you should not hold him wholly responsible for Kirkwall or believe him completely innocent. Neither could have destroyed the Chantry on their own. If Justice is back...he told me once that we must atone for our actions, however right we thought they were. If he is here to make amends, then I say you should let him."
"He killed Anders," Hawke spat.
"As Anders killed Justice," Velanna replied. "They were one man. A man you loved. You lost half of him, but the other half did something I thought impossible to return to you. You can hate him. I would not blame you. I would hate him too. For a long time...for a long time I did."
Hawke swallowed. "We'll go with your story for now. We'll take him with us to Ostwick and we...we'll figure things out once we get back to Ferelden."
Velanna said, "I would like to take him back to Amaranthine with me. Commander Howe was close to both him and Anders. I think it will ease the news of his death."
Hawke shook her head. "I don't care. As long as your band of merry men keep us safe, I really don't care what you do."
Velanna left her without a word. Hawke put her face in her hands and tried not to cry. Seven months. Anders was dead seven months and suddenly there was a stranger claiming to be the other half of him. Hawke had spent years resenting Justice, blaming him for Anders' suffering. She dreamed of a day they might safely be separated, of a day Justice could return to the Fade and she would have her love all to herself. Now Anders was dead and the spirit lived, claiming to have become human in order to be with her.
He might really believe he loved her. The two had felt their emotions together. Justice had been part of their life. The misguided spirit might think that Hawke felt the same, that she had truly loved them both. It made her feel ill, not with disgust but with apprehension.
***
Aaron looked up to see that the door had opened again. Hawke stood in front of him, holding two steaming bowls of some sort of stew. She placed them down on the table on the far side of the room and cut his bonds free with her blade.
"Thank you," he said quietly.
"Grab your dinner and walk with me," she said.
He did so and followed her down the hallway and out a back door. They climbed a staircase to a balcony overlooking the mountains. It was cold, but the stars were bright and the wind was calm. Hawke sat on the edge and began to eat her meal. She pulled out a small loaf of bread and broke it in two, handing him the other half.
He sat beside her and took it tentatively. He ate without a sound, waiting for her to speak.
When she finished her meal, she placed her bowl down and looked out towards the mountains. Aaron put his aside as well and looked upon her face. She had been crying. He recognized when she was trying to hide it. He had seen it so often in the last days when Anders begged him to wait. He wanted more time and Justice had wanted it to be over. The longer they waited, the more it would hurt when Hawke cast them aside. Justice had been ready to die and Anders had wanted to live.
Hawke said finally, "I loved him. I didn't know that I could love someone as much as I loved him. Part of me died with him. Most of me. You...I resented you, I hated you, I blamed you for everything. But you are the last piece of him I have. If I truly loved him for every part of who he was then...well, you were part of him too."
"I mourn him too," he said. "I am...I am so lonely without his voice, without his emotions alongside my own. It is almost like we imagined being Tranquil would feel. That emptiness, that hollow feeling that our essence had been neutered. There is not a word in your language for how I mourn him. I died with him too, beloved. Being by your side is the first time that burden has been eased."
Hawke looked at him. "You really mean that, don't you? You really think you love me? You didn't want Anders to be with me. You spent three years trying to keep us apart before we got together. How am I supposed to believe that, Justice?"
"Anders fell in love with you first," he admitted. "When you left the clinic that first night, I could feel something change in him. He was infatuated with you and it grew deeper and deeper. I was angry with him. We had both agreed to give up our own selfish needs, to dedicate every part of ourselves to the cause. It was like that for years but I relented when I knew he would be miserable without you. I retreated when he was with you, attempting to separate his feelings from mine."
"And then?"
He took her hand lightly in his and though she flinched, she did not pull away.
He said, "And then one day I saw you in the grass, picking small flowers. I had been irritated before with this action as it serves no purpose but destroying plants. But this time, I found it charming and when you presented them to us, I insisted that Anders press them in a book to keep. There was no reason to be so sentimental, but I realized I wanted one thing that was mine and not his. It was the moment I realized that I had fallen in love with you too. Anders was delighted, though he was jealous in his own way. We both loved the same woman and while he could imagine a future for us, I only saw the end that befell us. I had known long before he did what we would have to do. I did not think it was fair to you to bring you into our plots. Anders wanted us to trust you, to let us help, and I wanted to keep you as far from it as possible. I wanted to not think of you as a flawed, broken warrior. I wanted to think of you among the flowers. I wanted to return to you when we could no longer harm you."
"I'm not helpless," she said.
Aaron chuckled. "I know that of you. It was the worry of a man and not of a spirit."
Hawke squeezed his hands and pulled closer to him. "I don't know what to do."
"I want to protect you," Aaron said, "as neither Anders or Justice ever could. I want to love you better than they could. To be fully human with you. I understand if you could not love me. I am not asking you to. I just want to give you the peace that we always wanted to."
"You're using too many names for yourself," Hawke said. "It's giving me a headache."
"I am not longer Justice," he explained. "I am not a Spirit any longer and my virtue is too corrupted for me to go by that name any longer. And I am not Anders, nor Kristoff, or any other man. I am just as I am. I chose this name only because alphabetically it was the first I could think of. It was just logical."
Hawke laughed, "Okay, if I didn't believe you before, I do now."
Aaron smiled nervously. "Then will you accept my company?"
Hawke nodded. "Okay. For now."
He longed to kiss her then but he instead gave her hand another squeeze before collecting the dishes and heading back into the manor. He passed the faces of old friends and acquaintances, each he pretended not to recognize for now. He looked nothing like the man they had known. It would be cruel to reveal it without warning.
He slept in the makeshift dorms with the rest of them, only managing pieces of rest. He could not sleep long enough to enter the Fade and his body was suffering already only after a few days. At least there was a mattress and blankets. He could rest a little, at the very least, even if the world of his creation was cut off from him.
***
It was near noon and the former spirit who was calling himself Aaron was still in bed. Their party needed to get moving and Hawke headed up to the dorms to wake him up. She opened the door to see him tangled in his blankets, his face frowning in concentration. She put her hand on his shoulder and he opened his eyes and rolled over to look at her.
It was only the eyes that pegged him as Justice. Those bright blue eyes that pierced through every part of her, making her feel naked and vulnerable. There was little of Anders in his face except for his nose. His skin was darker, almost close to Isabela's. His hair too was dark and curly and cut just below his ears. He was just barely taller than Hawke and he had the build of a blacksmith with broad shouldered and well-developed arms. Yet as he spoke, his voice still reminded hers of Justice's, just softer and kinder. His cadence and mannerisms reminded her of Anders' and his words unintentionally stung her.
"We can't stay here any longer," she said. "I'll give you a few minutes to clean up but then we've got to go. Are you okay? Are you ill?"
He shook his head. "I am fine. Let me dress and I will meet you at the door."
By the time Hawke finished paying the innkeeper, Aaron was dressed in yesterday's ill fitting clothes and waiting for her by the door. She signaled him to follow her and the rest of their companions looked at him strangely.
"I thought we already had a smuggler," Varric said, pointing at Isabela. "We're just letting anyone come along now?"
"He's not just anyone, he's one of us," Merrill said. "I figured it out last night and meant to tell you. He's Justice."
Everyone turned to stare at Aaron.
Merrill looked ashamed. "I'm sorry, was that supposed to be a secret?"
Velanna hissed something to her in Elvish and Merrill flushed. The two argued as they started walking down the road. Isabela and Varric followed, not so discreetly looking over at Aaron as they discussed what plants Merrill had accidentally eaten this time.
"Sorry," Hawke muttered to him as they started walking. "That wasn't exactly how I wanted that to come out. If it helps, none of them are going to believe her anyways."
Aaron replied, "It is all right. I spent many years lying. It is good to tell the truth."
"So you're...you're just going to be you? You're just going to tell everyone like it's not a big deal? You realize how crazy it sounds, right?"
"You are afraid," he said softly. "You are frightened they will not understand."
"You aren't exactly popular," she reminded, "and the whole creating your body out of nothing thing is going to freak them out."
"I do not need their approval or understanding."
"Of course not," she replied, rolling her eyes. "Fine, we'll do it your way."
"Thank you," he said quietly. "It...it is not in my nature to be deceitful. Before I came to this plane, I had never lied to another. It was only Anders that gave me the strength to do it when necessary. He knew better than I to hide how we felt. It was a skill that saved his life and the lives of others many times."
"I'm sure you picked up a few tips," Hawke commented bitterly. "He lied enough."
"As I have said before, that was my insistence," he defended. "Do not blame him for this. If I had known...no, I think I would have asked the same. I never wanted to put you in danger. I did not want you to fall as far as we did."
Hawke sighed. "I'm tired of talking about this."
Aaron asked, "Then what would you like to discuss?"
Hawke replied, "Nothing. I just want to be quiet."
He respected her wish and they did not speak, simply walking side by side. She would look over at him occasionally, struck by how he wore Anders' expressions on a stranger's face. He clenched his jaw the same way Anders did when he was worried about upsetting her. Uncomfortably, it occurred to her that not all the traits she associated with her lover were solely his. There was a lot of Anders in Justice or Justice in Anders; it was hard to fathom.
They stopped to eat lunch on the side of the road. Aaron slept during most of the meal, leaving the companions to look at each other in awkward silence.
"So...is he Old Blue Eyes?" Varric finally asked.
Hawke nodded. "Yeah, he is."
Isabela asked, "So what do we do with him?"
Velanna warned, "He is coming with me to Amaranthine. I made a promise to my Commander to bring Anders home safe. I will not let Justice be harmed."
Isabela said, "Hey, I wasn't suggesting we kill him. Just...you know."
Merrill said, "It's odd, isn't it? He just shows up right now. I wonder what he was doing for the last few months. I had trouble finding a roommate back in Kirkwall. I wonder if he had the same trouble too."
Hawke explained, "The body's his. He's not sharing it with anyone. He...made it."
Isabela leaned over to better check him out. "Well, good job Justice."
"He wants to go by Aaron now. He says he's not really Justice anymore. He's human. Fully human. No magical abilities, no nothing."
"Do you think he can at least do some punching?" Isabela asked. "We are on the run."
"Justice was an excellent swordsman," Velanna said. "I imagine that this Aaron could be trained to defend himself."
"Blondie wasn't too bad at hitting things either," Varric commented. "He'll be okay."
A lump came to Hawke's throat. Ability and talent didn't mean much in this world. Both she and Anders were expert healers but neither of them could save his life. Justice had been such a driving force of Anders' sheer power but now the spirit was a mortal man without a drop of magic. He was vulnerable.
Isabela put a hand on her shoulder. "Hawke, are you alright?"
She shook her head. "I'm okay. This is all just really weird to me."
Varric agreed, "And here I thought the weird stuff was behind us."
Velanna interrupted, "We should get going. We have less than two days before our ship departs. We won't get another chance if we miss it."
The party packed up their things and Merrill woke Aaron up. Hawke watched the two talk from a distance. The little elf brought Aaron into a deep hug and while he allowed it, he shot Hawke a panicked look. Hawke tried not to laugh.
As they hit the road, Isabela hung back, gesturing for Hawke to walk with her.
Isabela asked, "Tell me honestly. Are you alright?"
Hawke told her why Justice claimed to have returned. As she continued, Isabela started to smile but let her talk.
Finally Hawke demanded, "Is this really that funny to you?"
Isabela shook her head. "No, it's not that."
They both quieted as Aaron looked back over his shoulder, his bright blue eyes growing softer upon meeting Hawke's. Her traitorous heart skipped a beat before he went back into conversation with Merrill.
Isabela said, "Where I grew up, many women lost their husbands at sea. There was a phrase many of the seer women used, some sincerely and some as part of the con. I hadn't thought of it for years but it popped into my head as you were talking."
"And what is it?" Hawke asked impatiently.
Isabela's voice softened. "Death cannot stop true love, it can only delay it awhile."
Hawke raised an eyebrow. "You can't be serious."
Isabela shrugged. "You know I'm not a romantic but even I can see the way he looks at you. Worse, I saw you when you came back from your little rooftop picnic last night. You may not be head over heels for him, but you care about him."
"I'm just taking care of him for Anders' sake," Hawke justified. "It is what he would have wanted me to do."
Isabela said, "Uh huh. Sure. I know you, Hawke. And by the time we get to Ferelden, you're going to come spill all about it and I'll get to say I told you so. Which never happens so I'm very excited about that."
She laughed and gave her friend a gentle push. "Fat chance."
***
The dormitories were full at the next inn and the party was forced to camp outside, despite the bitter cold. Their tent was not large and they slept in shifts, keeping an eye for any Templars on the road.
Aaron did not have a cloak for the mountains and was freezing cold. The others offered for him to stay inside, but he refused and stayed close to the fire. They would be safe and at sea soon. His duty in the mean time was to protect Hawke and he could only do so outdoors.
The others could not persuade him to go inside but when Hawke was finished her shift, she dragged him into the tent. He stayed on the furthest edge he could, trying to hide the fact he was shivering.
"We don't bite," she said. "Get under the blankets."
He did so reluctantly, attempting to keep some distance still from Hawke and the sleeping elves. He shut his eyes, ignoring her presence the best he could. Hawke fell asleep quickly, something both he and Anders had always been envious of. She curled onto her side, her back brushing against him.
He tried to sleep and he did in patches, each waking period soothed by Hawke's breathing and warmth beside him. The Fade eluded him but he managed to rest.
***
When Hawke woke in his arms, she knew it was not Anders who held her. There was not an instant that she thought that she was back home and that this all had been some terrible dream. Anders' death was seared into her mind. There would never be a moment she could even pretend that he was still with her. She knew it was Aaron. He smelled differently, fit differently. He was not Anders and he never could be him.
But as he stirred awake and saw her, she realized that for a moment he had thought that he was. His sweet smile suddenly dropped and he pulled away from her.
"I am sorry," he apologized. "I was not aware. Please, forgive me."
"It's okay," she said. "Just...habit."
He looked uncomfortable and he rose, leaving the tent. She grabbed her cloak and ran after him. They were just out of sight of the camp when she caught him, forcing him to stop and look at her.
"You're going to catch your death out here," she said. "Come back to the fire."
Aaron refused, "I am fine."
"You can't run away whenever you slip up," Hawke said. "This isn't a big deal."
"I touched you and constrained you without your consent."
"You cuddled me in your sleep. Varric does that. It's fine, Justice."
He flinched at the name and she corrected herself, "Aaron, it's fine. Anders and I were in a relationship for years, it's okay that you forgot that..."
How exactly was she supposed to end that sentence? Forgot that we weren't? Forgot that he wasn't Anders? Forgot that she didn't love him?
He said quietly, "You do not have to comfort me, Hawke. You are being kinder to me than you need to. If you worry about sparing my feelings, you need not. If you wish me to go, tell me to go."
And in his eyes she saw Anders after a fight they'd had the week he moved in. He had said those same words then with the same self-loathing and despair. And without thinking, she responded as she did then.
Hawke held him to her, burying her face in his shoulder. Aaron cradled her tenderly as if worried he would break her. As if remembering that he already had.
"It's okay," she murmured. "It's okay."
She didn't know how long they stayed there together, only that neither of them let go until they were called for breakfast. She took his hand and led him, the pressure of his skin against hers relieving a craving she didn't know she had.
***
They reached the city just before nightfall and spent the early evening drinking in a pub near the docks. Aaron had never been intoxicated before and he allowed himself a single ale. He did not care for the taste but he wanted to be among the others and felt too awkward to be sitting there without purpose.
Eventually it was time. It was a few hours before dawn when they boarded the Scarborough. Their party was given three of the cabins on the ship and they quickly split among themselves. The elves went to bed soon after arriving and Isabela and Varric went to drink with the crewmen in the galley.
Aaron went to his cabin, too exhausted to realize that he had been paired with Hawke. She was just readying for bed, putting on the cold cream that he had smelled every night for a half decade. She looked over at him with a nervous smile.
"I figured we've shared a bed before," she said sheepishly. "This okay?"
His heart leaped into his throat and he nodded.
"I've warmed up some water for you so you can wash," she said. "There's a fresh shirt in there too. We'll get you some more things once we get to Ferelden. You mind going another few days in the same pants?"
He said, "It will be fine."
"I'm going to get some shuteye. Come to bed whenever you're ready."
Aaron went into the makeshift washroom and cleaned up as best he could with a cloth and a nearly disintegrated bar of soap. He kept the shirt aside for now, slipping down to his underthings. He lay on the furthest edge of the bed from her, grateful that she was already asleep.
Hawke had always seemed smaller when she slept and he resisted the urge to bring her into his arms. Even in this form, their bodies had fit so well together. He rolled to face the wall and shut his eyes, even though he knew he could not sleep.
Okay, normally I would put an associated song at the end but really let's just listen to this like a thousand times as I did writing this and just cry together. That sounds good right? Yeah, let's do that woo
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When Hawke woke, he was already gone. She felt oddly disappointed but dressed and went down to the galley to eat. Most of her companions were there, but Aaron was nowhere to be seen. She started to worry but tried to finish her meal. Her pulse kept quickening and she abandoned her plate, racing up to the deck. She found him sitting on the railing beside Merrill, the two of them talking quietly. She should have been relieved that he was safe, but she suddenly felt as if she couldn't breathe. Both turned to look at her and Aaron jumped down to reach her side."Hawke?" He asked. "Are you feeling well?"She tried to catch her breath and Aaron took her face into his hands and breathed deeply and slowly, encouraging her to follow him. She did, looking into his brilliantly blue eyes, and with tears streaming down her cheeks."You can't disappear like that on me, okay?" She insisted.He nodded and pressed his forehead to hers. Her breathing slowed and she held him to her, refusing to let go. Out of the corner of her eye, Hawke saw that Varric was leading Merrill away.Hawke pulled away, suddenly aware of how foolish she looked. Aaron asked for no explanation, just watching her face. He was waiting, not sure how she would react. Without Anders to guide him, mortal's emotions were a mystery to him."I'd like to go to the library for awhile," she said finally. "If you'd like, you could come with me. If you wanted."He nodded and followed her to the tiny room that had only a few bookcases and a large reading chair. Aaron selected a novel, the one closest to the door, and leaned against the wall as he began to read. Hawke picked a slim volume off the shelf. She opened the book but the words were unfocused to her. Her chest tightened again and her breathing quickened. She let herself be led until she was sitting in Aaron's lap. She leaned against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. He read to them from her chosen text, his voice soft and low. His fingers brushed through her hair and her heart settled down. She looked up at his face in puzzlement. What she was feeling made no sense. The threat of his absence was triggering anxiety attacks and his presence was bringing her a peace she hadn't known for months. She needed him.She loved him.He was no stranger. This was no love at first sight. They had lived beside each other for years. It was love at first understanding, first revelation. And after everything she had lived through, after everyone she had lost, she could do little but cling to this other half of the man she had loved. Not a remnant, but the other half of his soul. Aaron stopped reading and met her eyes. His lips parted but he looked unsure what to say. His expression softened and the resemblance to Anders shattered her. "I'm sorry," she whispered. She fled from the room and went to her cabin. She expected Aaron to give her space as Anders would but he followed her and closed the door behind him."I promised not to leave your side," he explained. "Did I misunderstand?"Hawke sat on the edge of the bed and put her head in her hands. Aaron sat beside her and put his arm around her. "I loved you too," she whispered. "All this time, I loved you both and I blamed you for every flawed piece. You believed in what we had together, even when I never realized it. I loved you too. But we lost Anders. We lost the man we love and I don't know if I can be with you without him."They sat that way for a long time, not speaking. Unable to handle the quiet, Hawke left the cabin. This time, Aaron did not follow. ***Aaron found the dwarf sitting on the bow of the ship, notebook in hand and a stein of beer at his feet. "What are you writing?" Aaron asked."Ghost story," Varric said. "It seemed appropriate, considering. I have to say, Justice, it's weird having you around. I only met you a few times on your own and you were a lot less...chill. I keep waiting for you to start shouting at something.""I am no longer Vengeance," he replied, "nor am I Justice.""So you're really going with Aaron? Not much of a name for whatever you are."He shrugged. "It is suitable for a mortal man. You often gave advice to Anders regarding his romantic advances. Would you consider doing the same for me?"Varric laughed. "Sure, why not? This shit just gets better and better.""I am having trouble understanding what I should do," he admitted. "Adaia has said that she returns my feelings for her but that she cannot be in a relationship with me. I feel that I have upset her and I do not know how to comfort her.""I feel like this is above my pay grade, but I'll give it a shot." Varric said. "Look, she's spent months mourning Anders and you're basically a walking, talking, living reminder that he's dead. That's not going to be exactly easy for her."Aaron sighed. "So there is nothing I can do.""I didn't say that. I just mean give it some time. She's only known that you're alive for less than a week. We've got a few more nights on board before we get to Ferelden. Give her some time to cool down. Listen, you come share my cabin and we'll let Isabela stay with Hawke. Just talk, get to know each other, see where things go. You don't have to get married and have babies all right now."Aaron felt guilty. They could have what Anders had always wanted but known he could not have. He had a future that Anders deserved, one that he died for. Not for the first time, he wished he had died and Anders had lived. It was what was fair. "I understand," he said quietly. "Thank you."Aaron left Varric without another word and found his own place to sit on deck. He watched Isabela practice her dueling with the captain, the two women bantering and even Aaron knew it would lead to sex. Eventually Velanna came and sat beside him. They had never been close but he thought it would be a comfort to have another Warden nearby. Within a moment, both realized that now that his body no longer had the Taint, he could not sense her presence or she his. It unnerved him."Who is left in Amaranthine?" He asked. "Nathaniel and Sigrun. The Warden left us about five years ago. She claims she has a lead on the cure for the Calling, but I do not know. Oghren was severely injured last year and has retired to spend his days with his wife and child. Sigrun and I have both considered leaving, on and off. It is not the same as when we joined. There are many shemlen men, many true soldiers. The Wardens are rebuilding in their old ways and Orlais has more influence than ever. It is not the home it once was."He asked, "Does Nathaniel know..."Velanna replied, "Yes. It made no sense for him to live in false hope."He nodded. "It is what I would have done."
"You say that like it should be a comfort, Justice," she replied. "What you have done...I have always known that the right thing is not the easy thing. Wardens have been making terrible choices since our Order was founded. I have no love for the Chantry nor for the Templars. Yet even I have trouble understanding.""You were not there.""No," she agreed. "You did what you believed you had to and I have to have faith that the spirit I called friend was wise enough to try every other course of action first.""Anders did," he replied quietly. "He was the reason we held back for so long. I wanted to begin a holy war and he wanted peace."Velanna said, "I have often thought what would have happened if you chose me. I was ready to. I was ready to work with your strength to save the Dalish."Aaron replied, "When I was dying, I sought the softest of you. Vengeance was already brewing in me and I knew that I would tear through whoever took me into their body. I thought Anders gentlest, not knowing the anger he had so long hidden. All of you were broken, all of you were weak. It would matter not who I bonded with. All paths would lead here.""Not all of them," she said.He said, "With your wrath we would have burned Ferelden to the ground, Velanna. There was so much anger in your heart, so much despair, neither of us would have survived. We would have torn through the Deep Roads, killing anything that kept us between you and your sister.""Then at least we would be the only ones to die," she replied quietly.Aaron swallowed hard. "Perhaps.""We all have regrets," Velanna said. "I should not make you relieve yours.""I do not regret it," he admitted. "We began the war that will lead to the salvation of every mage in Thedas. We are fulfilling a promise to create a better world."Velanna was silent and he looked over at his friend's face. The years had been hard on her, grey already streaking her hair and her skin creased around her tired eyes. Whatever she had faced was no easier than his own burdens.She said finally, "It does no good to think about the unchangeable past. I will go speak to my sister now. Be well, Justice."He corrected, "Aaron."Velanna smirked, an expression that would once have been far too human for her. She walked off without another word.***Sunset broke beautiful across the open waters. Hawke leaned against the railing, trying not to throw up. She had never liked boats, sailing, or any kind of large body of water. Isabela had often joked it was the reason she had never attempted to seduce her. The trip was already hard on her stomach and they still had a whole night to go. If she was being honest with herself, her lifelong seasickness was not the only reason she felt ill. Her thoughts tumbled over each other faster than the waves crashing against the boat. By the next sunrise, they would land upon the shores of her homeland. Another after and they would arrive at Vigil's Keep. Hawke had no plans after that, nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. The Wardens might keep her safe for a while, but Velanna had been sent to find Anders, not her. She was a remnant, just as much a shattered piece of the dead mage as Justice was. Bringing him into her heart would only remind her of what was missing. But to send him away was to lose Anders again and she did not know if she could survive that a second time.Dark grew the night and the stars started to litter the sky. There was not much time left before she reached her country. None who crossed the sea the first time were there. Aveline had been at war for nearly a year. Carver, dead. Bethany dead before she could even reach Gwaren. And her mother...all gone. There was no one to come home to. To pretend she could build it all again...no, that was too painful. There was no little cottage with a half dozen children and even more cats. There was no lake where Anders would teach her to swim. There was no garden for her to putter in. The dreamed life was impossible. And the promised life of years on the run had been stolen from her. There was only the darkened outline of Ferelden on the horizon and the knowledge that she was utterly alone.She didn't realize she had been crying until the planks beneath her creaked and she turned to see Aaron a few steps away. He reached her side and leaned against the rail with her. "What troubles you?" He asked. "I don't want to go to Amaranthine," she whispered. "Nor I. It is...it is difficult to walk where we walked together, to know in every step that the man I shared a soul with is dead. I cannot sleep where we slept, dreamed where we dreamed. And then there is Nathaniel. I cannot look my Commander in the eye, knowing that I could not save the man he loved, the man we both loved. There is only pain there. But it is pain we already bare so perhaps it does not matter where we go. I will carry the weight of him for as long as I breathe.""I do not know sometimes why I wake up," she admitted. "I have no wish to hurt myself or to have my life end. It is more...is this just what my life is now? Orphaned, widowed, with two dead siblings. No children, no home, no...no nothing. Just a cause that was barely mine to begin with and friends that will have to return to their own lives, their own missions. They each have a purpose and I have lost mine. All I have asked of the Maker is to keep my family safe and all I been given is their deaths." She looked at him and bitterness seeped into her voice. "Except yours." Aaron knelt down and drew the dagger from her boot. He thrust it into her hand and brought it to his throat. He looked up into her eyes. "I came back for you," he whispered. "I could spend an empty life in Amaranthine, in the shadow of all I stole from Anders, all that he stole from me. But I do not wish it. I cannot live without you and I know that you blame me for all that you have lost. So kill me. Have your revenge and I will return to the Fade and forget. Let us both be healed from this pain. We died for you then and I would die for you again." She tried to yank her hand away. "Get up, Justice. Don't be absurd.""Then what can I do?" He pleaded. "Tell me, please. What can I do?""Let go of me," she said quietly.He did so, rising to his feet. She tossed the dagger aside and embraced him. He cradled her, burying his face into her hair. The weight of him was a comfort, his skin against hers soothing an ache she had forgotten she had. Her grief was twisting, threatening to turn to an old coping mechanism. Some women drank, some gambled, some got into fights. Hawke was someone who wanted to both be loved and used. Anders had known that. Anders would be home, waiting for her, knowing from a simple look in her eye that she needed him. And if Anders knew that, then Justice did too.Hawke left, trying to catch her breath on the way back to their room. She leaned against the wall, knowing what would happen if Aaron followed her. She put her hand against her chest, willing her heart to slow.The door opened and Aaron entered, locking it behind him. Their eyes met and the rest was inevitable. ***He should have stopped himself. Anders would have wanted him to stop. No, no Anders would have begged him to go after her. Anders had spent three years aching, pining, pleasuring them to the possibility of this moment. Anders had wanted this like he had wanted air. It was always Justice who held them back, Justice who was worried what would happen if they lost their heart to her.He kissed her, expecting her to back away. Yet she pulled him closer, running her fingers through his hair. "I'm not Anders," he said quietly. She whispered, "I know."It was strange how easy it was to kiss her, how easy to hold her in his arms. His body knew the steps as if it was the one he shared with Anders. She tasted the same on his lips, her body felt the same under his hands. She looked into his eyes and without Anders' insight he did not know what she was thinking. He didn't know if she hated him or loved him if she wanted to bring him pleasure or break him in two. He realized in that moment that he did not care. He had come back for her. If his destruction would bring her peace, he would let her. This body had been created for her and he would let her use it as she desired.Hawke kissed him hungrily, pushing him up against the wall. She undid his belt, reaching into his underclothes with one hand while the other grasped the back of his neck. He was already growing hard but she still jerked him roughly. He undid the laces on her dress, just enough to expose her breasts. He picked her up and carried her to the bed. She pinned his shoulders down as he pushed his pants down to his knees. She kicked away her smallclothes and straddled him, thrusting him into her in a single stroke. She was so tight it almost hurt.In a quiet breathy groan, Hawke asked, "Do you remember Varric's thirty-fifth birthday party? Do you remember what we did when we got home?"Aaron shuddered and she whispered, "I want that."Justice had sometimes slipped into their sex when things grew rough. Lovemaking had been of little interest to him. A diversion, a momentary loss of productivity. But copulation in its most raw and powerful form sometimes brought him to the forefront. Sometimes Hawke had retreated and stopped the act. Sometimes she encouraged it, whispering his name instead of Anders' to provoke him.That had been one of those nights.His heart raced in his chest. "Exactly like that?""We both know you're not Anders," she said. "I don't want to close my eyes and think I'm back in his arms. So treat me like Justice would treat me. Treat me like you did that night."Since entering his human form, Aaron had found that his wrath had softened, that he could feel love as a man and not Vengeance. But that was what she wanted. She wanted to be hated as much as she was loved. He ripped open the last of her laces, burying his face in her breasts. She started riding him shallowly, just until he could pull her dress over her head. He kicked off his pants and took his own shirt off, tossing it on the ground. She clenched around him and thrust him deeper into her. He gasped, "What part do I start at?" "When Anders couldn't hold you back anymore."He pushed her back and withdrew. She went onto her knees and he mounted her. He thrust into her hard, gripping her hips hard enough to bruise. She leaned into him, resting her head against her forearms. He slammed into her and she cried out.Her hand had slipped between her legs, stroking herself just as hard as he took her. Her fingers brushed against him as he entered her and his body arched. She was pushing him, coaxing him into being even coarser to her, into breaking her as he had thought she wanted to break him."Say it to me," she pleaded. And though it shattered his heart to remember, he let the words spill out. The words he had barked at her as he took over Anders' body. The words he spat as he took her, disgusted with how much he wanted her. "You have ruined everything." She cried out his name. All of his names in a litany. Every variation of him that she had known, every piece that had formed him. He wrapped his arm around her, holding her upright. He thrust into her, grasping at her breast. She panted, moving with him, burying him into her. His belly tightened, his legs faltered. She gasped, her body rippling around him. She was ripe for him, ready for him to spill into her as they had done a hundred times. He was close, so close, but he withdrew. It was the logical thing to do even though he ached for her. He lay on his back and fisted his cock.She knelt over him, her eyes still heavy with lust as she watched him."It's not like you to waste time on self pleasure," she goaded. "You told me that it was a mortal decadence, misplaced from the act of necessary procreation."He grunted, "That was before there was a chance of conception. Now I am a mortal man who needs to finish or will go mad with want."She kissed the shell of his ear and whispered, "Hypocrite."He shuddered, spurting onto his belly. He cried out, enjoying both the intensity of being fully with her and the strange absence of Anders' own climax. When he finally recovered, he opened his eyes to see Hawke sitting on the edge of the bed, silently sobbing. He wiped himself off on his shirt and then sat beside her, putting his arm around her shoulders. She turned and buried her face in his chest. Tears streamed down his own face as he stroked through her hair."I'm sorry," she whispered. "I haven't...I haven't cried since you...Maker, it hurts, Aaron. I can actually breathe with you being here. It hurts so much but it's easier with you and I hate that. I don't want to need you, I don't want to love you."He murmured, "I know. That is how I felt when I fell in love with you."She cried harder and he held her, eventually wrapping the blankets around them both. Together they mourned that missing piece of them. Exhausted from their tears and their exertions, they fell asleep in each other's arms and did not stir until daybreak when the Scarborough docked in Amaranthine.***Hawke blinked through the streams of light, seeing Aaron asleep beside her. His appearance was still a stranger to her, even if it felt like he was someone she had seen before in dreams. She brushed the hair from his face and kissed his forehead. He woke and looked up at her, his eyes still red from crying. "Are you okay?" She asked softly.He murmured, "No, but I think that is alright. And you?""About the same," she admitted. "So let's be not okay together." She kissed him tenderly and he cupped her face in his hands. Their kisses were sweet and easy, leading to nothing but holding the other close. It was a stolen moment and they both knew it. Soon they would have to disembark and face the wolves chasing them down. They would have to face the consequences of the world that Justice and Anders had created. But for the first time in months, Hawke felt like she could breathe."I really missed you," she confessed. Aaron pressed his forehead to hers and closed his eyes. There was nothing else that either of them could say that would not bring them both to tears again. It would not always be that way. In time they could grow and heal together. But in that stolen moment, all that was needed was to know that the other was still there and breathing.