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Three days. It was only three days so it was impractical, a hassle. He understood that.They were all tired but still brimming with adrenaline left over from practice when the vice president finally gave in and treated everyone to dinner. It was a quiet secluded little resto where only a few knew about and the chances of them being recognized were slim so they could be as loud and laid back as they could be.Joshua was one of the few members who had finished eating and had mellowed down as the night progressed. He was slouched in his seat with his head resting on Seokmin's shoulder feeling lethargic as his eyes lazily looked over the other members. With his mind relaxed it took a few minutes until he noted in surprise how the vice president was still there beside the managers. Usually, he'd leave earlier seeing as how the group would dawdle and linger for a while.Seems like he wasn't the only one who noticed as Hoshi and Seungkwan stopped their playful bantering to look over behind their seats to see the vice president stand up and approach their table.The vice president cleared his throat to get their attention and pointedly stared at Mingyu and Minghao who were still fighting over the last piece of dumpling.Satisfied that he had the group's full attention, he spoke, "Since it's the end of promotion, we thought it's only right that we give you guys a break."Joshua sat up, distinctly aware of how his heart was beating in anticipation. The rest of them had perked up too.A break after promotion wasn't news to them, as usually they'd have 2-3 weeks of leisure time before they brainstorm over new songs so the fact that the vice president was announcing this could only mean one thing."A short vacation away from the dorms seems appropriate."Excited chatter picked up as they all bowed thankfully towards their vice president.Vacation. That one word means a whole lot for Joshua and just by hearing it, he couldn't help the elated smile forming on his lips. He could already feel the little sparks of joy beginning in his chest so when the vice president continued on to say that it would only be for 3 days he tried to stay ignorant."At most 3 days is what we can afford you guys to go home. Security is something we need to be tight on but rest assured you'll still have the standard 3 weeks before we start discussing over the world tour." The vice president finished.Even for just a little while. Joshua wanted to hold on to that little spark even for just a few more seconds but he could already feel the pair of eyes pointedly staring at him, waiting almost patiently and as much as he would like to remain ignorant to it all, that would just be impolite - so not him - so he raised his eyes to meet one of their manager's. She was one of the older ones, he recognized. Motherly towards the members because she had kids of her own as well as far as he knew so she understands - that's what the eyes are telling him. There was a certain sternness reflected in them but there was pity as well.
Except you Joshua. Sorry.
It was unspoken but it didn't have to be. That one look said it all.He held in a grimace and hoped a smile formed on his face instead. He gave her a slight bow and turned his attention to DK to his right who was exclaiming excitedly how the promised trip to an aquarium with his older sister was finally going to happen.Joshua smiled. Or at least he tried to. His happiness for DK and the other members were genuine, especially for their China line but so was the feeling brewing in his chest of longing and envy. Three days. It was a 15 hour flight going to Los Angeles excluding the layover and that would already cost him 1 day, so by the time he got there he would only have just a few hours before he needs to hop on to the next flight home. He wanted it though, those few hours. What he would do to be given even just an hour or even a minute really. He needed it. Almost desperately. The little spark in his chest evolved into a stifling pain that started out soft almost numbing -ignorable- but grew to become tighter and heavier as excited voices exclaimed the words his heart was longing for - family, home.He was seated on the couch watching distractedly as Minghao and Jun bickered over what gifts to bring home to their families.Their two chinese members were able to secure an early flight back to their home country so they had rushed back to their dorm to pack and prepare. The rest of the members had to wait until morning the next day so they all called it an early night and went to bed.Joshua knew that if he'd gone to bed he would be plagued by his thoughts the whole night and he was trying to be strong - at least for now. So he volunteered to clean up and see their two members off.The doorbell startled him out from his thoughts. Standing up, he smiled amusedly as Minghao bodily sat on Jun's overflowing luggage."Hyung! Hurry up already!" Minghao said in mock shout, mindful of the others who were sleeping. "The car is here and you don't need to bring all your coats when you're just gonna bring them back in two days!""Hao, it's a necessity." Jun stated. "Now move your thin ass and let me squeeze this sweater in."Joshua left the two to bicker as he walked to open the door. The sleepy yawn of their manager nursing a cup of coffee greeted him."Joshua!" She greeted. "Pleasant night?"Grinning slightly, "Well..." he gestured to the two who were still bickering but this time Jun was on the floor with Minghao sitting on his back.She heaved a sigh before taking a gulp of much needed caffeine. "Ya, you two! We leave in 2 minutes with or without luggage!"That statement had the two scrambling to finish packing. Minghao was the first to walk out the door, carrying Jun's luggage with him as well. He stopped by the threshold to turn towards Joshua."We'll be back hyung. See you in three days." He smiled and nuzzled his head on Joshua's shoulder affectionately in place of a hug as his two arms were preoccupied with their bags.Joshua softly patted him on the head. "Have a safe flight you guys."Nodding, Minghao walked out heaving their bags to load it at the back of the car.Just then, Jun rounded the corner carrying another bag.Smiling fondly, Joshua smiled as Jun approached. "Jun take ca--" only to be stopped midsentence as he was engulfed in a hug.The hug lingered for a while and Joshua didn't know how but the feelings he was trying to suppress resurfaced in an instant.'Of course he knows' He thought, wrapping his arms around Jun to return the hug. Out of all the members, Jun and Minghao understood how he felt.'The tears only my pillow knows' He recalled Minghao saying once. He accepted the comfort offered and fought back the sting of tears from his eyes."Jun, Minghao's in the car waiting already." His voice was soft and muffled against Jun's shoulder but the chinese member heard how the way his voice cracked.Jun tightened his arms around the smaller hyung for a second in response before letting go and giving Joshua a small smile."Don't miss me too much hyung!"Joshua laughed lightly before subtly wiping the tears that had pooled in his eyes."I won't." He waved Jun away before anymore tears could fall out.Joshua smiled and bid them farewell as the two rolled down the window to wave at him. His smile only dropping when the car was no longer seen.
4 hour flight and 1 hour time difference.
Joshua couldn't help but be envious but he was truly happy for them. When it was just the three of them left behind for the first time before, Minghao had been too shy to bother him and Jun too suddenly reserved to take initiative so Joshua took it upon himself as the older hyung to distract them with movie nights and eating out but this time he was alone.The ticking of the clock seemed to resonate as he locked the door. There was still a few hours before the others would need to wake up but he didn't want to worry them, especially Seungcheol, with dark circles under his eyes he was sure to have if he didn't sleep.Quietly shutting the door to their shared room, Joshua crawled in the little space between Seungkwan and DK." 'Shua hyung?" DK stirred."Shh Jun and Minghao just left." He whispered, pulling on the covers more properly over Seungkwan. "There's still a few more hours before morning, go back to sleep."DK shuffled closer to him in response, easily falling back to sleep. Joshua closed his eyes, accepting the warmth radiating from his room mates. For three days he'll be alone sleeping in this room.Settling more comfortably under the blankets, Joshua willed for sleep to come.Over the years, they've grown used to each other's distinct scents. So as consciousness came to him as he woke up, Joshua instantly knew it was his bestfriend who had stolen Seungkwan's spot on the bed and had his arms wrapped around him.And as creepy as it sounds, they've gotten used to each other's breathing patterns as well, so Jeonghan knew he was awake."Morning Shua!" Joshua didn't have to open his eyes to know he had a cheeky smile on his face.Joshua let out a groan knowing full well that the sun wasn't fully out yet but cuddled closer nevertheless."Did you kick out Seungkwan and DK from our room again?" He was preoccupied with how his voice cracked so the odd silence that followed after his question didn't fully register until a few seconds later.Opening his eyes, he was greeted with Jeonghan's slightly strained smile."Shua, Seungkwan and DK has already left earlier with Jihoon and Soonyoung," Jeonghan kept his voice quiet. "They didn't want to wake you.""Oh."He had forgotten that the members would be going home today. That he'd be sleeping alone in their dorm, in this room for 3 days.Tampering down, the renewed sadness in his chest he let out a feigned irritated huff."They didn't even say goodbye?"Jeonghan laughed lightly as he brushed Joshua's bangs from his eyes."They did. Seungkwan and DK wouldn't let go of you as you slept so Jihoon had to threaten them to get ready or else they'd be late." Jeonghan let out a snort as he continued. "Seungkwan and DK was pouting by the time they had to leave cause you were still asleep so Soonyoung suggested they take a group selca with you. They've already uploaded it on the group chat."Letting out an embarrassed groan, Joshua buried his face on Jeonghan's shoulder. Despite his reddening cheeks, Joshua couldn't help but smile and be fond of the members."What about you?""Hmm?""When are you leaving?"Humming, Jeonghan poked Joshua's cheek and grinned."Not for a while, I'm waiting for Wonwoo and Seungcheol.""Oh."The realization that he'd be alone at the end of the day washed over him and he couldn't help but feel the loneliness creeping in his heart.With their arms wrapped around each other, Joshua couldn't help but entertaining the idea of asking Jeonghan to stay but the second the though crossed his mind he had already felt guilty. That would have been selfish and childish of him to ask not to mention insensitive. He of all people knows how much this vacation meant to all of them.Jeonghan noticed the conflicted expression on the younger's face and with a slight nudge, he asked, "What's wrong?""Nothing." Feigning a smile he continued jokingly, "Just wondering what you're doing being lazy with me and not preparing."Jeonghan grinned and snuggled against Joshua. "Giving you 3 days worth of hugs!"Joshua felt his cheeks redden and his heart burst with fondness. There was a reason why they were best friends; They knew how to make each other happy without trying."I'm spending the next few hours with you being lazy!""Isn't that what you do 24/7?" Joshua snorted out.Jeonghan only hummed before grinning mischievously."Wanna bother Cheollie?"Their grins were almost identical as they stood up and scrambled up to charge into the next room. Joshua closed and locked the door for the final time that night. Jeonghan, Seungcheol and Wonwoo had left after eating lunch. They were already behind schedule since Wonwoo took too long to decide which books to bring before he turned his spectacled gaze to Joshua and thrusting a book at him."Please think of me while reading this hyung."Jeonghan and Seungcheol had loomed over Wonwoo over that statement that caused them to be even more late."Ya! What do you mean by that?!""Oi Wonwoo are you trying to steal Shua away from us?!"Vernon and Joshua had seen off Dino and Mingyu at the train station with the latter enumerating in detail the steps on how to heat up the pre-made meals the younger had prepared earlier.He smiled and nodded but clearly the younger knew he wasn't listening."Hyung! You need to listen!" He said with a huff. "I'll be calling three times a day just to make sure you're not burning the dorm down!""Okay Mingyu-ah~"Dino had erupted in laughter at the pout that had formed on Mingyu's face only smothering them down against Joshua's back when he received a glare.He had just gotten back from Dinner with Vernon's family who had dropped him off infront of their dorm. He smiled as he recalled how Sofia climbed on his back and ecstatically told him about her day in english while Vernon's stuff was loaded in the trunk of the car and how their mom had hugged him in a way only mothers knew how.But now he was alone.There was a nook between the wall that frames their bedroom door and the lone cabinet in the room. It was the perfect little space for him to squeeze himself in and wrap his arms around his knees.
It was a bit tight and any movement he made was stuck to a minimum. It was perfect. Because this way he could illusion himself in a hug.
That spot also had the perfect view of their glass window framing the night sky.Leaning back, he gazed on as the stars twinkled at him.
We may have different views but we're still looking at the same sky.
A shudder went through him then, starting from his chest and suddenly erupting throughout his curled form as he choked on a cry. He clenched his hands tight around the fabric of his jeans before leaning his forehead against his knees as he let his cries be heard.Tears of joy were a whole lot different from these kinds of tears he concluded. He remembered at the end of 17 project, when the curtains were raised to reveal his mother. He was too preoccupied with anxiety whether they were going to debut so when the tears suddenly fell from his eyes when his mother's smiling face was revealed, he was shocked.What a selfish son he had been he thought. Chasing after his dream, forgetting about his mother who had encouraged him and left him messages everyday. He held on to her tight then, imprinting in his mind the comforting smell of her cologne and her warm hands that rubbed at his back. He recalled the tears that glistened in her eyes as she looked at him proudly, softly wiping the tears from his own before wrapping him once more in her arms. These tears though, these tears were heavy, hot and and painful. Each shuddering cry echoing with each breath he took as he longed to be enveloped in her arms once more.'It's unfair.' He thought, too choked up to form any words but cries. 'I want to go home too. I want to hug my mother too.'His tears continued to fall as he remembered the envy he felt when Vernon was reunited with his own family, the longing in his chest when they called their parents with delighted smiles.He wanted to call his mother too but he can't. He was bitter and jealous. The others could call their family anytime but not him. The time difference was too much of a gap so they had settled for short messages read and replied to at different times.But Joshua wanted to hear her voice. The soothing voice that never failed to reassure and comfort him. The voice of his mother that he hasn't heard in a long time.He leaned back, his head thudding against the wall. His eyes were already swollen red and his cheeks were damp and sticky with tears but he made no move to wipe them.He endured the day, putting up a strong front for his members not to worry about him but now was his time to be selfish and angry.Angry at the vice president. Angry at the ticking of the clock that only seem to mock him. But most of all, angry at himself for the time he had taken for granted. Angry for not being selfish.It was only June. Christmas, the only time he was guaranteed to be home, was still many months away.As his tears subsided and his breathing returned to normal, numbness washed over him. The gripping pain of yearning was still in his chest and tears still glistened in his eyes. The silence that accompanied him made him laugh brokenly; pitiful for himself.For three days he would be like this.He curled up once more against himself, arms wrapping around his folded knees as he rested his head against the wall beside him.The shrill of his phone's ringtone didn't fully register until the blinding light made him close his swollen eyes.Squinting, he eyed his phone tiredly, debating whether to answer it or not. It could be Seungcheol calling to check up on him or Jeonghan greeting him goodnight or even Mingyu to make sure he has eaten.He let out a heavy sigh. He strongly though of not answering. They'll immediately know that he cried judging from his voice alone but Joshua knew how persistent and stubborn they are and how he'd only worry them more if he didn't answer.So with a resigned sigh, he picked up his phone and brought it to his ear."Hello?"He winced as his voice cracked and thought of getting up to get a glass of water only to stop short at the voice that greeted him.With renewed tears but happiness blooming in his heart, he replied with a smile, "Hi mom."