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Dear Evan Hansen,
Today might be a good day. It's your first day of senior year and, well, it can't get much scarier than that.
This is your last year of high school and maybe this time you'll actually make a friend. You probably won't but-
"Evan! You're going to be late, honey! I've gotta go! See you tonight...hopefully!" Evan's mother called out to her son before rushing off for another long shift at work. Without her husband, Heidi was the soul provider for herself and Evan. They weren't swimming in cash, but they were alright.
Evan could feel his chest tighten. He had to go. He couldn't miss the first day. Evan looked down at his hands, one in a cast and the other not, both still equally sweaty. Evan wiped his hands on his pants and grabbed his bag. He would finish his letter at school. Evan ran out the door, just barely catching his bus.
Evan shakily made his way up the two steps into the bus and looked around anxiously. He chewed his lip and moved to sit in the back. The seats were covered in scratches and graffiti from past riders. He found himself frown at the word "Faggot" carved into the seat. He sighed.
Evan finally arrived at school and found himself alone as always. He waited awkwardly for someone, anyone, to talk to. Someone to be his friend. Everyone looked scary or intimidating. Even if they didn't, the thought of speaking to someone terrified Evan to his core.
"Hey! Hansen! Woah, did you break your arm jackin' it?" Jared, Evan's long time "family friend", nudged Evan a little too rough and laughed.
"No! No. I f-fell. Ou-Out of a tree." Evan's face grew red. Oh gee. Jared was far too loud. And truthfully, Evan had not fallen. He thought that if maybe Jared knew him better, he'd know the truth too. "That's...that's really depressing kid. Maybe just tell people you were jackin' it. Ohhhh maybe to that Murphy kid..."
"Shut up! People can hear, you know?!" Evan had come out to Jared and spoke to him about his small crush on the dark and mysterious Connor Murphy. Jared couldn't help but tease him every chance he got."It's not like anyone cares anyway. Ah, and speak of the devil, here he comes."Connor Murphy, all six feet and four inches of him, strutted down the hall. He was spoken about frequently, never in a positive light. Connor was beautiful to Evan, but it was clear that no one else really thought that. Evan couldn't help but be curious, though. He wanted to know him. Connor was well known for his fits of rage, but Evan knew there was more to him than what meets the eye. Evan wanted to know him, but he was too timid, too shy. Even if he got a chance to speak to him, he'd probably mess it up.
"Aye, Connor! Nice hair. Very 'school shooter chic'." Jared said. Evan felt his face flush. Why?! Why would Jared say that? Why would he draw attention?! Why Why Why Why Why Why
Connor stopped walking and glared, his cool demeanor faltering."I'm...just kidding man." Jared tried to joke as Connor only stared in calm, cool, resentment.
"Funny. I'm laughing, can't you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?!" Connor asked, his jaw clenching and his voice getting significantly louder. Evan could hear his own heart pounding.
"You're such a fucking freak..." Jared wandered off, shaking his head. Evan stood there, trembling slightly.Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Evan thought. He was the only one there in the hallway and coughed awkwardly. Through his panic, the cough came out more as an awkward laugh.
"What are you laughing at?!" Connor yelled.
Evan's eyes went wide. "I was- I didn't- I didn't m-mean t-""You think I'm a freak?!"
"No! No, I-"
"You're the fucking freak!" Connor shoved Evan into the lockers behind him, storming off in rage.
Evan groaned, closing his eyes in pain.
Dear Evan Hansen,
Today is not going to be a good day.
Today is not the start to a good year, a good life. Today is just as terrible, if not worse, than all the others.
Evan rewrote the beginning of his letter in the computer lab. He was not one to skip class normally, but his anxiety was absolutely overwhelming him. He continued writing.
Connor Murphy will never speak to you. He will never be your friend. Connor Murphy hates you and he thinks you are a freak. And he isn't wrong.
Your senior year will be terrible. You will be alone, as always. Jared will not be phased by this and will ditch you for his other friends. Nothing is going to change and you will always be sad, pathetic, Evan Hansen.
I'm sorry.
Sincerely,
Your only friend,
Me
Evan printed it out. He felt his eyes begin to tear up. Shit. It really was going to be another lonely year. Evan took a shaky breath and made a move to go get his letter from the printer. As Evan made his way over, a familiar figure beat him to it. A pale hand took the page off the printer. "Here."Evan looked up from the floor, where his eyes usually were, and was shocked to see Connor Murphy standing before him.
"I-I uh, t-thanks." Evan quickly took the paper from Connor. He wanted to run far, far away and cry in a corner somewhere.Connor gave a tooth-less smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "I...I'm sorry for this morning," Connor rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. It was obvious he wasn't used to anything like this. "I was really out of it. That fucking Kleinman kid really gets on my nerves. I shouldn't have taken it out on you, though. That was fucked up of me. Especially with your arm in a cast." Connor gestured to Evan's trembling arm."I...T-Thanks." Evan stuttered, feeling awkward as always.
Connor frowned. It was obvious Evan was scared of him. Connor usually wasn't bothered by the fact that he intimidated people, but, for some reason, it really bothered him that he scared Evan. "I...Can i sign it?"
"Huh?" Evan stared, wide eyed. No way did Connor Murphy just ask-
"Can I sign your cast?"
Evan felt his cheeks flush for a moment before he gave an awkward smile and nodded. "S-Sure. Here." He grabbed a pen from one of the desks and handed it to Connor. He watched as Connor held the pen cap in between his teeth and signed his name.
C O N N O R Evan smiled fondly as he looked at his cast. "Can...Can I give you my number? I know I was kind of a jackass earlier. I wanna make it up to you. Here. Other hand now." Connor smiled softly and took Evan's other hand. He scribbled his phone number on to it.Connor kept Evan's hand in his for just a beat too long before letting go. Evan's heart was racing and his mind was too. Holy shit...Is this real?! Am I breathing? I should probably breathe."Um, so, yeah. Give me a call. Or a text. If you want." Connor rambled. Was Evan making Connor nervous? No way...Evan had to be reading too deep into Connor's actions...Evan nodded furiously, earning a genuine chuckle from Connor. "I...I'll see ya' around." Connor said, giving a small wave and turning on his heel to leave.
Evan stood there far too long after Connor left. He was in shock. The only thing that broke his train of thought was the blaring of the bell. Evan supposed now he needed to rewrite that letter.
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Evan made his way home from school. His first day of senior year was certainly interesting. He still couldn't believe it! Connor Murphy, local badass and rebellious teen, gave Evan his phone number. He wanted Evan to talk to him. Evan was absolutely flabbergasted. He opened the front door to his house and walked to his room, collapsing onto the bed. Evan was exhausted. He pulled his phone out of his pocked and rolled onto his back, holding his phone up above him. Evan kicked off his shoes, letting out a sigh. He looked at the slightly smudged pen writing on his hand and typed the number into his phone. Oh god. What was he going to say? What if he made Connor uncomfortable? Maybe Connor only gave him his phone number because he felt bad for poor, pathetic Evan. Evan groaned and tossed his phone onto the bed. He stared up at the ceiling. Evan felt his anxiety bubbling inside him. How on earth was he going to do this? Why couldn't he be confident? Why couldn't he get over this immense dread? He just wanted to have a friend. A real friend. Jared, more often than not, just seemed like Evan was a nuisance. It made Evan feel used. Evan couldn't be friends with Connor if he didn't just text him. He had to try. Evan sighed, reaching for his phone. He would type out a message and erase it. Type and erase, type and erase. He finally wrote one he felt was acceptable.To: ConnorMhey! It's Evan Hansen! how are you? He pressed send and relaxed into his bed. School exhausted Evan to no end. His anxiety took so much out of him. Evan closed his eyes for a moment. He couldn't wait to be done with school. High school was just a very long, painful nightmare that he'd finally wake up from in a year.Evan was about to drift off when he felt his phone buzz. He picked it up and beamed, happy to see that Connor replied.From: ConnorMI wasn't sure if u were going to actually text me. I need to get out of the house. u free??Evan let out a girlish squeal. Connor wanted to know if he was free! Evan took a minute to compose himself before replying.To: ConnorMyeah. my moms at work. want me to send u my address???Connor replied surprisingly fast with a thumbs up. Evan sent the address.
He decided to change into a hoodie. Evan beamed. Wow. Connor was coming over. Evan began to feel himself panic. Although he was very excited to develop a friendship with Connor, he was anxious about what Connor may thing about him. He knew that he and his mom didn't have much. Evan hoped that Connor wouldn't be disappointed. He knew that Connor's parents had way more money than Evan's family. Connor had everything, but that didn't get rid of all of his anger and pain. Evan could understand that. He wanted to know more. Evan began cleaning up the house and jumped as he heard the doorbell ring, quickly rushing to open it. Connor stood there looking relieved. Evan felt his cheeks heating up."H-Hey I'm g-glad you came over." Evan stuttered out. Connor gave Evan another toothless smile. It didn't look as fake as the ones Evan had seen Connor give before. That made Evan's face even warmer. "Yeah. My parents were getting on my nerves and I just needed an escape. I figured it might give us a chance to actually talk." Connor shrugged. Evan nodded and opened the door to let Connor in. Evan stepped out of the way, watching as Connor looked around Evan's house."I really like the place. It feels like a home. My house is so big, it feels more like a museum sometimes." Connor took off his combat boots and placed them by the door.Evan shrugged and looked around his house himself. It was home. "I-I have video games and N-Netflix. Wha-Whatever you w-wanna do if fine." Evan said, walking into the living room with Connor following behind him."Netflix sounds good." Connor replied, shedding his jacket, revealing yet another long sleeved shirt. It had three buttons up at the top. Evan felt his cheeks heat up. He was constantly flustered, especially around Connor. He wasn't completely sure why though. Evan grabbed the remote and pulled up Netflix on his tv. He sat down on the couch. Connor sat beside him, a small gap separating him from Evan. "Y-You can pick." Evan said, handing Connor the remote. Connor picked a random documentary and clicked play before turning to Evan. "Alright, tell me about yourself."Evan felt his hands grow sweatier by the second. What was he supposed to say to that? There wasn't a single interesting thing about him."Gee I rea-really don't know where to start." Evan said shyly, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.Connor couldn't help but give a tiny smile. "Well, what are your interests?" Evan beamed as he thought. "Trees.""Trees?" Connor laughed. "Yeah. They're- They're so interesting and there are so many kinds...they're truly amazing..." Evan said passionately. He was obsessed with trees. They calmed him down and kept him grounded even through the worst panic attacks. He could spend all day talking about them. "That's really nice. Have you ever been to that old orchard? It closed a while ago, but it has the most beautiful trees..." Connor said"Never been." Evan replied with a smile."We should go sometime...if you want to." Connor said.Evan was beaming at that point. "I'd lo-love to. God, that sounds amazing." Connor smiled back. An actual, genuine smile that made Evan feel warm all over and stirred up the butterflies in his stomach. Conversation settled and for a while the two of them just enjoyed watching the show. Evan noticed that Connor's phone continues to buzz and Connor seemed increasingly upset, even angry. "Are y-you alright?" Evan asked."Just peachy." Connor said sarcastically. He grabbed his jacket. "I'm gonna go." Evan's face fell and he suddenly felt an overwhelming amount of anxiety rush over him. "Wait! I-I'm sorry! Did I do something wrong? Did I-" "Hey, just shut up. I just have to go." Connor's seemingly friendly demeanor had vanished. He was cold, eyes looking very empty.Evan frowned and found himself walking Connor to the door. He felt sick, sure he had messed it all up somehow. "I'll see... I'll see you at school, Connor." Evan gave Connor a small, sad smile as he opened the door. Connor nodded and waved goodbye before hopping into his car and driving away. Evan closed the door. He leaned back against it and slid down until he was sat on the floor. He sighed. Connor Murphy was a lot more complicated than Evan had thought.
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Evan found himself back at school and felt his palms begin to sweat. After Connor left his house, he hadn't heard anything from him. Evan worried that Connor was upset with him or that he'd done something wrong. It really upset Evan how cold and angry Connor could be sometimes.Evan walked into the school, head down. Evan only looked up after he followed the memorized path to his locker. Evan was surprised to see Connor leaning up against the cold metal. Connor rarely spoke to other people if it wasn't to yell or pick a fight. Even more surprising was the fact that Connor was at school this early. Connor was always late to school, if he ended up coming at all. Evan pushed away the fluttering feeling inside him and remembered what had happened the previous evening. Evan walked up to his locker, trying to ignore the tall, lanky teen leaning against it."Hey." Connor said. His voice seemed surprisingly relaxed. Evan rarely saw Connor so calm."I was worried about you," Evan admitted. He set his backpack on the ground, only allowing himself to look at Connor through the corner of his eye. Connor was dressed in jeans that hugged his legs and a grey sweatshirt that made the intimidating teen look almost adorable.Connor's face flushed slightly. "Ah, my parents were pissed and took my phone.” Connor shrugged, looking Evan up and down smoothly. This gave Evan chills. He could feel Connor's gaze. He knew he didn't look his best. Evan had to rush out the door that morning before he'd miss the bus so he just threw on a cozy sweater and some skinny jeans.Evan cleared his throat and scrunched up his nose as he opened his locker. "Y-You have a very funny way of trying to make f-friends. Y-You just l-left." Evan stuttered. He tried to act calm and collected as he rummaged through his locker. Connor nodded, looking a little embarrassed. Connor reached into the pocket of his sweatshirt and pulled our a folder up piece of paper. “Yeah, I know...Here. I made you this. Its kinda lame...I wanted to apologize for just storming out on you and being kind of a dick. I’m not really good at talking and shit....I'm not really good at making friends either.” Connor rubbed the back of his neck, seeming awkward and embarrassed. This was very our of character for someone like Connor. Evan accepted the note and knew he couldn't be too upset with Connor. He opened up the note and was surprised to find a drawing of a tree. It was an evergreen, if he wasn’t mistaken. In the bottom right corner, Connor signed his name. “It’s kind of shitty, I know.” Connor said, looking down at his boots and shoving his hands in his pockets.Evan shook his head. “No. It’s am-amazing. I didn’t know you li-liked art.” Evan folded the note back up and smiled, tucking it in his pocket. Connor shrugged and continued looking down. A shy smile crept across his face. Evan smiled too and went back to grabbing his things. He liked to get to class early. The idea of being late made Evan's stomach turn.Evan could feel Connor look up and gaze at him. He tried not to blush too much. Evan grabbed his books and closed his locker. Connor was now looking up and admiring Evan. "Thanks for...for being so nice." Said Connor. Evan beamed at that. He opened up his mouth to speak, but was jolted forward by a rough shove from behind. Connor automatically caught Evan before he could fall. Before either of them could enjoy the beautifully awkward situation, Evan's "friend" Jared broke them apart.“Aye! Acorn! Whatcha doing talking to this creep?” Jared said, raising an eyebrow at Connor. Jared looked suspiciously over the two of them. Connor felt his face heat up in frustration. Before he could do something he’d regret, Evan faced Jared. “Le-leave him alone. He-He’s not b-bothering you.” Evan defended Connor and Connor felt something tug at his heart when he heard that. He hadn't really expected that out of Evan, and Evan hadn't either.Jared was shocked. Evan was never really one to stand up for himself, let alone anyone else. Jared played it off and rolled his eyes. “Seems like the psycho has gotten to you already. See ya in class.” Jared walked off, shocked and a little weirded out.Evan huffed. His face was flushed and his eyebrows were furrowed together in frustration. Connor thought Evan resembled an angry puppy.“Thanks, Evan. People don’t usually do stuff like that for me.” Connor said softly, letting one hand rest on Evan's shoulder. He let out a sigh and quickly shoved his hands into his pockets. Connor really had never had some stand up for him. Not even his own mom said anything against his fathers unkind words. Connor couldn't get too caught up in feelings. He couldn't ruin this friendship.“It’s not right for you to be treated like that.” Evan frowned. He crossed his arms over his chest and, for once, Evan was more upset than Connor.Connor gave Evan a small, genuine smile. He checked his watch. “Hey, the bell is about to ring. Do you wanna walk to class together?” Connor asked, attempting to distract the adorable brunette.Evan nodded shyly and sighed. He and Connor walked to history class together. This earned them quiet a few stares, which made Evan very self conscious. Evan’s whole face was about as red as a tomato buy the time they got to their seats. Connor nudged Evan with his shoulder. “They’re not looking at you. They’re looking at me. Chill, kid.” Connor whispered to Evan as they went to find their seats in class.Evan gave Connor a weak smile and shyly sat beside him. Class went remarkably well with Evan at Connor’s side. Both of them were usually on their own, but they both found that with one another, class was somewhat bearable. Connor would get confused and would look to Evan, who attempted to explain whatever it was the teacher was saying. Evan didn't make Connor feel stupid or lazy for not understanding the material. That was very freeing to Connor. To not be judged. Once lunch came around, Evan suggested Connor sit with him and Jared. “But he’s such a prick!” Connor said. Evan frowned. “Pl-Please? You g-guys n-need to res-solve this or things will be weird. I want you guys to get a-along.” Connor rolled his eyes and reluctantly sat at the cafeteria table. “Fine.” Connor huffed, he crossed his arms and slumped in the chair. He kicked his legs up on the chair across from him and pouted. Connor fiddled with the bracelets on his wrists.“What the hell! Why is he here?” Jared asked, slamming his lunch tray on the table. “H-He has ju-just as much of a right a-as you do to s-sit here.” Evan stuttered out. "Besides, yo-ou were the one who was a jerk this morning so just...shut it!"Connor took his legs out of the chair and kicked it away from the table. “Take a seat, Kleinmen.” Connor said with a smirk.Jared let out an exasperated sigh and threw himself into the chair. “Fine.” Connor rolled his eyes, smirking slightly. He turned to Evan. “How’ve you been?” He asked genuinely. “Just s-stressed.” Evan was still having a hard time adjusting to Connor’s sudden changes in mood and behavior. “You're always stressed.” Jared joked.“That doesn’t make it okay,” Connor said, glaring at Jared through the corner of his eyes. Connor quickly turned back to face Evan. “Anything I can do? Anyone I can beat up?” Connor asked.Evan shook his head and played with the food on his tray. He’d handled his depression and anxiety and kept it under wraps, but some days it just felt like his anxiety was swallowing him whole. Evan felt like Connor some how understood him, though they had just started developing a friendship. “Ya gonna eat anything?” Jared asked Connor as he took a roll from Evan’s plate.“Nah. The food makes me sick.” Connor said, sitting up. “You really should eat.” Evan said softly, looking at Connor with concern. “I got it.” Connor said firmly, tone brimming on anger. Evan decided it was best to leave Connor alone at that point and silently went back to picking at his food. Sometimes Connor really just threw Evan off. Evan couldn’t really get a grip on the situation or where things stood with him and Connor. One second they'd be kind of flirty and the next, it was as if Connor was on a totally different planet. Evan sighed and took his tray, standing up."Where ya' going?" Jared asked through a mouth full of food. Connor made a disgusted face at Jared as spit flew out of his mouth. Connor turned to look at Evan. "Yeah. I thought we were all supposed to be best buds, now." Connor said sarcastically."Shut up." Evan said firmly, without a trace of anxiety in his voice. Now it was Evan who was angry. He stood up and threw away his lunch, walking out of the cafeteria. Evan looked down at the tiled floor as he walked toward the library. Whispered conversations and the sound of lockers slamming closed began to overwhelm Evan. He rushed off toward the library. There he'd feel safe. It would be quiet.Evan heard the bell ring as he walked into the library. He ignored it though. Evan wandered off towards the shelves upon shelves of books. He found a quiet space to hide out and grabbed a book about trees off one of the shelves. He sighed and let himself slide down the wall to sit on the floor. Evan leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Evan was lost. He always felt so anxious and like all of his worries could fill up the sea and there was nowhere he could go to get away from them. Evan just sat there, trying to slow his breathing. Evan stayed there for the class period, relishing the silence. That silence was broken by the loud slam of the library door. Evan looked up to see Connor talking in a rather loud whisper to the librarian who then pointed at Evan. Evan's eyes went wide as Connor stared at him. Evan rushed to reach for the book he had grabbed and covered his face with it. It was no use though. Evan's small, trembling body was soon joined by Conner's tall, lanky one. Connor's anger diminished at the sight of Evan. He knew that feeling all too well. "I upset you." Connor said softly. It wasn't really a question. Connor's gaze shifted from Evan to his hands which were balled up into fists. "Do I...scare you?" Connor asked, voice trembling a bit as he spoke. Evan immediately shook his head from where it was buried in his arms. He lifted his head and looked at Connor with watery eyes. He wasn't crying, but he was trembling. "No. I just...I feel like you're always mad at me." Evan said, sighing. He ran a hand through his hair and rubbed a hand over his face. "I'm sorry. I just-""No, no. I get it." Connor interrupted. He shook his head and a few wavy strands fell across his face. "I...Look, I have a...I have issues, obviously." Connor admitted. He shrugged and joined Evan in leaning against the wall. "I scare a lot of people. I...I don't want to scare people. I just have so much anger and I-""Shh!" The librarian said.Connor rolled his eyes and sighed. He took a deep breath in and out. Connor turned to Evan. "I want to be a good friend. I don't want to scare you away." Connor said shyly. He cleared his throat and closed his eyes. "I'm gonna try harder to be a better person." Connor swore. There was a small pause as the two of them thought. "I'm sorry, Evan." Evan looked at Connor and sighed. Before he could think twice about it, Evan hugged Connor tight. Connor was shocked by this. He paused to take in the feeling before hugging Evan back. "I forgive you, Connor." Evan said softly.Connor shook his head. "I don't know how to make all the anger go away. I don't kno-" "It's fine, it's fine. We don't need to talk about it right now. I'm your friend, okay? We will get through it together." Evan assured.Connor buried his face into Evan's shoulder and took a deep breath. He wasn't alone anymore. He wouldn't be ever again.
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After Connor and Evan’s heart-to-heart, the two of them grew closer. Evan got to know Connor better and the two of them developed a routine. They’d get to school early, grab Evan’s stuff, and they’d find a quiet area in the school to sit and talk or catch up on homework that they hadn’t finished the night before. Things were going really well. The two of them were developing a closer bond and began to really get to know each other.“My mom is working late tonight. You can come over if you want.” Evan said, while he and Connor walked around the school. Connor smiled and nodded."Sounds good to me. My dad has been really pissed lately when he gets home from work so its usually better for everyone if I'm not there. We don't...get along." Connor admitted, looking down at his feet. Evan frowned. He'd always pictured the Murphy house as a beautiful, warm place. Evan never really thought that their home could be anything, but perfect. They had money, two parents that were still together...Everything Evan didn't have. That didn't mean it couldn't be bad though. Evan had to remind himself of that sometimes. He was very lucky to have a mom that supported him. Even without money and a father, Evan and his Mom got along really well and home life was less of an issue than some might think."That's rough. I'm really sorry. You can always stay the night if you need to." Evan suggested. Connor gave Evan a soft smile, one that actually reached his eyes, and nudged Evan teasingly."I've got you now. My parents can barely believe I actually have a friend. I'm sure some nights they still expect a call from the police station that I got caught getting high in a park or something." Connor chuckled.Evan laughed softly and the two continued walking down the hall. "I'm glad I have a...a posit-positive influence on you." Connor smiled. Evan could feel Connor's warm gaze on him and tried to pass the warmth that flooded him off as nerves. As they made there was to an empty staircase, Evan noticed a few people pointing and staring at him and Connor. “Why do people always look at us?” He whispered to Connor. Connor shrugged, but Evan knew there was more to it. They sat down by the staircase and Evan nudged Connor. "Well? What is it?"Connor's expression changed from warm and friendly to cold. "People just think something is going on between us. That's all." Evan's brows furrowed. "Huh? Like what? Like....Oh." That's when it his Evan. People thought they were dating. Evan flushed at that. Was it that obvious that he had feelings for Connor? Evan had been trying to hide his feelings, but knew one day that they'd have to be addressed. Just...not then. Their friendship was so new and Evan didn't want to ruin things."Yeah. It's so stupid. There is nothing going on between us." Connor said firmly. The cold tone of his voice made Evan's stomach churn. Evan would never admit how sick and sad that made him feel."Yeah..." Said Evan. He could feel his expression change, but hoped it wasn't too obvious. Of course Connor wasn't interested in him. Of course. Why would he be?Connor seemed irritated. His knees were pulled up to is chest and his dark hair fell over his face. The warm and happy Connor that had been there minutes before was gone. Connor gazed at Evan from inbetween his folded arms and seemed confused. He looked as if he was about to say something, but Evan just pulled out his notebook from his bag and decided to change the topic."Hey, my mom suggested I do one of those scholarship contests to help pay for college. I've been looking at the prompts and I can't decide which one to do." Evan folded back the front cover of his notebook and handed it to Connor. "Which one do you like more?" Evan asked.Connor lifted his head and took the notebook from Evan. He began reading the prompts. "Write about your favorite high school teac- nope. That's lame. Write an inspirationa- no too much work. Ooh. Write about the most important thing anyone has ever taught you and how it has affected your life. Write a descriptive example and enter by the end of the school year. I like this one, Ev." Connor said. "You're a really great writer. Out lit teacher is obsessed with your work. I think you should do it." Connor suggested, running a hand through his hair to move it out of his face. Connor handed Evan his notebook.Evan nodded. "Thanks. I guess I can give it a shot." He said, giving Connor a half smile. Connor gave a small smile back, but it fell quickly."Hey, I gotta go do something real quick. I'll see you later, okay?" Connor said, standing up with his bag slung across his shoulder. He was already walking away before Evan could reply.Evan sighed and leaned against the brick staircase. Connor Murphy was going to be the death of him, whether he knew it or not. Evan was about to pull out his phone and put in headphones when he heard a warm, familiar voice."Were you just talking to Connor?" Zoe Murphy peaked into the staircase and Evan could feel himself begin to tremble. He had always kind of admired Zoe. She was so talented and kind and outgoing....Evan wanted to be like that.Evan wiped his sweaty palms on the front of his pants, before standing to greet her. "I-uh, y-yes, yeah. I mean he was just here he had to go an-""And you're Evan." Zoe smiled. It wasn't a question. She knew who he was."Yeah. Yes. I'm Zoe- I mean, you're Zoe. I'm Evan. You're in jazz band." Evan stuttered nervously. He felt like a total idiot. This was not how he wanted Connor's family to remember him.Zoe laughed. "Yeah...I really thought Connor was lying when he said he was hanging out with a friend. And if he was I figured it'd be some rebellious druggie not...you." Zoe gestured to Evan."Thanks?" Evan wasn't really sure if he should be offended or happy."Sorry. That sounded bad. I'm just...surprised Connor managed to become friends with someone like you. He doesn't really...make friends." Zoe admitted. Her face fell for a moment, but then she smiled and stuck out her hand. "Well, It's nice to meet you either way, Evan."Evan shook her hand with his clammy palm. Zoe rolled her eyes at the sight of Connor's signature on Evan's arm. "Of course he'd cover your whole cast." Zoe said. "How'd you break your arm?" She asked. The question made Evan a little nauseous."I fell...out of a tree." Evan replied lamely."Oh. I'm sor-""No, no. It's fine. I...It's only supposed to be on for a few months so I'll be fine." Evan interrupted. He gave Zoe a shy smile, which she returned."Here. Let me give you my number. Our parents are always trying to find Connor and make sure he's safe, but he never wants to answer his phone. It might help if I had your number." Zoe said."Oh. Yeah. Sure. Here." Evan replied. The two swapped phones. Evan's hands were sweaty and shaky as he typed his phone number into Zoe's phone."Here." Zoe handed Evan his phone back when she was done. Evan did the same and thanked her. "Oh and...I'm sorry for...him. He can be kind of a jerk sometimes." Zoe said, gesturing to the empty space Connor had been occupying before he left."Connor? I mean, he's fine. He's a good friend. We both have our own issues. We just kind of...level each other out." Evan tried to explain, slowly becoming less anxious."Yeah. He was in a hospital over the summer and...I don't know. Our dad has been giving him a lot of this for being, ya know..."Evan raised an eyebrow. "No. I don't." He laughed shyly."Oh. So you two aren't....together?" Zoe asked. She looked pretty confused."Huh? Oh! OH! No, no. We're just friends." Evan's face was completely red. He wished the universe would swallow him up and take him away from the awkward situation."Oh. I just figured you were. He talks about you so much, i just figured..." Zoe laughed and smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry!"Evan shook his head and laughed awkwardly. "It's f-fine." He stuttered.Zoe smiled and checked her watch. "Well on that incredibly awkward note, I have to get going. I'll see you around, Evan. And thank you for looking out for Connor." She said sweetly.Evan smiled. "No problem. S-See ya'!" He said and, just like that, she was gone.Evan just stood there for a while, shocked and embarrassed. Evan was shocked out of his trance when he heard the bell ring and began to make his way to class. Maybe it was the entire Murphy family that would be the death of him...
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Evan walked into his and Connor's class and frowned at the sight of Connor. Connor seemed upset. Evan moved to sit down beside Connor. The bell rang and Connor barely moved at all. His head laid in his arms. Connor still continued to stay motionless through the lecture. Evan decided to make a copy of his own notes to give Connor. He understood as much as he could that some days are harder than others. He wasn’t sure why Connor was upset but figured that that was the least he could do. When the teacher stopped lecturing and allowed everyone to work on their own, Evan nudged Connor. “Are you alright?” Evan asked softly. Connor lifted his head to reveal bloodshot eyes. He was high.Evan shook his head and sighed. "You left me this morning to go get high?" Evan whisper yelled. He wanted to be angry, but Evan was more hurt than anything. Connor rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. "I wasn't exactly in the mood to do much else." He said. Connor smiled a bitter smile. He was upset. Connor was pissed, but Evan couldn't tell why.Evan sighed and shook his head. "Why are you so upset?" He asked. Connor didn't reply. He grabbed his bag and left, storming out of the classroom. Evan knew Connor could be compulsive and irritable at times. Evan had never personally had to deal with Connor's anger. At least not in the was it had presented itself then and there. Evan looked down. He collected his things and grabbed his bag. The bell sounded and Evan left the class, tired and upset. Evan began walking over to his next class. He got through his next few classes, noticing Connor wasn't in any of their shared classes. Evan was worried at that point.Evan got home early and paced around nervously. He hadn't heard from Connor since his previous outburst. Evan locked the front door and tossed himself onto the living room couch. He closed his eyes and sighed. Evan felt his phone buzz. It was a text alert from Zoe. Evan was surprised that Zoe had actually texted him. Yeah, she had gotten his number, but Evan assumed she had done it to be kind. Evan opened the message.From: Zoe
Is Connor with you? He hasn't come home and our parents are looking for him.Evan felt his stomach drop. Something wasn't right. Yeah, Connor skipped class and didn't answer his phone, but something just felt wrong to Evan. He texted back quickly.To: Zoe
He blew up on me in class. He left in the morning to get high. I haven't heard from him. Evan groaned and quickly called Connor. He sighed and closed his eyes as he listened to the phone ring. Evan almost hung up when he heard Connor reply."Evaaaaan" Connor's words were slurred. Evan felt sick."Connor!" Evan sighed and shook his head. He couldn't believe Connor was high or that he would act like that. Connor was pissed before and now he was probably drunk too. He didn't sound like he was smoking pot. Evan stood up and began pacing again."I was hoping I'd hear from you," Connor laughed. "I'd been thinking about yoooou."Evan grabbed a jacket and pulled it on. "Where are you?" Evan asked. He needed to get to Connor or at least get someone to Connor. Evan hated being vulnerable and couldn't allow Connor to feel that way."No where. I just needed to f'rget thats all." Connor slurred. It sounded as if his phone slipped. "People are meannn." He whined.Evan furrowed his brows. He decided to listen. "What are you talking about?" He asked."My dad. People at school. Everyone knows I like boyssss," Connor hiccuped. "And people are meanies." Evan could practically hear Connor pout.Evan was floored. Connor? Gay? Evan was surprised to say the least. He had hoped so badly that Connor might like him and that he might be gay. Evan couldn't get too excited though. He knew that things rarely worked out the way he hoped. "How are they mean?" Evan asked. He pulled the phone away to text Zoe and tell her that he had Connor on the phone. He quickly put the phone back up to his ear to listen to Connor. "People think we're together ya' know?" Connor said. "And they say things to me...that I'm too fucked up and I shouldn't be around you." Connor's voice began to sound more sober. "Oh." That was all Evan could reply with. He didn't know what to say. Connor was upset about how people spoke about himself and Evan? Evan couldn't believe it. People never really cared for him like that before.Connor laughed bitterly. "I wouldn't deserve you even if I had you..." He said. Before Evan could speak, Connor continued speaking. "I need to go. I'm drunk and high and dizzy. I'll call up Zoe." Connor said. "Connor, do-""It's okay. I'm gonna go. I'll see you at school." Connor promptly hung up, leaving Evan to sit in the wake of Connor's confession. Evan put down the phone. He allowed himself to sink into the couch. Everything was going so fast and Evan wasn't even sure he could handle a relationship. Evan was complicated enough on his own, but having Connor as his boyfriend...Evan wasn't sure. He didn't even know how much of their conversation came from the alcohol and how much was real. Connor was normally so closed off. To hear Connor so openly admit his feelings was strange and surreal to Evan. Evan needed to think. He needed to get away from it all and get his head straight. Evan was going to to take some time away from all things Connor Murphy.
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Evan hadn’t really seen Connor around since they spoke last. He had been drunk and Evan just tried to push it out of his head. He had too much on his mind and too much to deal with to even begin to think about what happened that night. Evan was kind of bummed though. He had grown so close to Connor, but knew they were both very complex people and that getting together wouldn’t be easy. They were both so different. Evan didn’t know if they could even make a relationship work, let alone if Connor was being genuine that night. He needed to talk to someone. He needed....Jared.Connor had driven a bit of a wedge between Evan and Jared. Evan knew the two of them didn’t get along and had unconsciously avoided Jared. Evan felt that he had no one else to turn to at that moment than Jared. He was the only person who knew Evan the most and could give the best advice. Evan made sure to get to school before Connor would get there, not wanting to cause a fuss. Evan walked toward the area Jared usually hung around and waited patiently for Jared to arrive. Evan felt bad for not speaking to Jared lately. They'd grown up together and, yes, they had been distant lately, but Jared knew Evan better than anyone else. Evan looked up from his phone and saw Jared walking toward him."Ah! You're alive! Could have sworn that Murphy kid kidnapped you or something..." Jared seemed upset, and rightfully so. Evan frowned. "I'm sorry. I know...I haven't been the best at being a good friend," Evan said, looking down shamefully. "I...I need your help."Jared's sarcastic demeanor fell and his expression changed. Yeah, Evan was a ball of nervous energy, but he seemed deeply upset."Are you alright?" Jared asked, putting a hand on Evan's shoulder. "What's going on?"Evan let out a shaky sigh and looked up to face his long-time friend. "I-I...I spoke to Connor while he was kind of out of it and...He seems like he likes me. I have no clue why he would. I mean I'm a mess, I'm pathetic, I'm a lo-" Evan's words were racing out of his mouth and he could feel the world caving in on him. Of course Connor didn't like him. No one liked him. He was stupid. StupidStupidStupi-"Hey," Jared gripped Evan's shoulders and pulled him out of view from prying eyes. "Breathe." Jared's calm voice urged.Evan took a slow, deep breath. "S-Sorry." He stuttered. Jared shook his head. He put his bag on the grouned and tapped the space beside him for Evan to sit. Evan sat down and put his head in his hands, trying to keep his heart rate low. Jared wrapped his arm around Evan. Jared was rarely physically affectionate, unless it was to tease Evan, but at this moment, he truly wanted to comfort his friend. Jared turned to look at Evan."Dude, that kid is in love with you." Jared said. Evan looked up, confused. "What?"Jared laughed. "I'm an idiot and even I can see it. The way he looks at you, how he lets you borrow his jacket when you're cold-""Don't all friends do that?" Evan interrupted.Jared shook his head. "No way. That's easily the gayest thing I've ever seen in my life. Not to mention all the notes he writes for you."Evan was so confused. "Notes?" He asked.Jared tilted his head. "Yeah. Every day in World History I see him writing you little notes, but he usually throws him away. I would have thought that emo giraffe would have given you one by now," Jared said. "And even if you ignore all of that, Evan, you are the nicest, dorkiest, most attractive-no homo- guy around. He'd be an idiot not to see that you are as good as he is ever going to get."Evan wiped a tear he didn't know he'd shed. "Really?" He asked. Jared had never been this kind before in their entire friendship."Of course, dummy," Jared ruffled Evan's hair. "So just chill out and breathe."
Evan laughed and nodded, wiping his face. "I just don't know what to do. I haven't...I don't really date, you know? I have no idea what I'm doing or what to say." Evan frowned.
Jared looked down and thought for a moment. "Everyone is different," Jared said. "And I know that thinks will probably be a bit more complicated for you guys with your anxiety and his anger..." Jared paused and sighed. "You just have to let it all happen naturally. If it's meant to be, it will. You both have lots of shit in your lives and a lot of variables that might get in your way, but if it's meant to happen, it will." Jared said. He looked at Evan with a fond smile. "We've known each other our whole lives, Ev. I'm smart enough to know you didn't break your arm falling from a tree," Jared gave Evan a look of sympathy. "You're stronger than you think. You guys will figure everything out. Even if you don't, you'll always have me." Jared turned so he and Evan were both face-to-face. "You are gonna do great things and you are going to get better. Connor adores you and I promise, if he cares about you even half as much as I think he does, everything will be okay. You just have to communicate." Jared gave a small nod and pulled away.
"As frustrating and weird as Connor is, I know he makes you happy and I know you two will be alright. Just don't leave me out of the loop, okay?" Jared gave Evan another soft smile.Evan nodded repeatedly and hugged Jared tight. "Thank you." Evan said, words muffled into Jared's shirt."Of course." Jared replied. He looked up at the clock and saw the bell would ring soon. Evan followed Jared's gaze and realized they should get going. "Just text me later, okay? Let me know how it all works out." Jared said. Evan nodded and they both stood up. He hugged Jared again and took a deep breath. Jared could be annoying and frustrating at times, but he was a good friend. He just covered up his feelings with bad puns and sarcastic one-liners.
"It'll be okay, Ev. I promise." Jared said as they pulled apart. Evan nodded and smiled, before turning to go to his first class. Jared was right. It would be okay.
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Evan had carefully thought over his conversation with Jared. He knew that Jared was a true friend and would never lie to him. Evan felt that Jared’s words were genuine and that he should take his advice. Evan walked into first period and sat in his usual spot. He was ready to speak with Connor. Evan knew from experience that avoiding an issue would only make it worse. He watched as Connor walked into class. He looked sick, like he hadn't slept since they'd last seen each other. Evan could see Connor's right hand was wrapped with bandages and that his left forearm was too, under his sweatshirt.Connor moved to sit in the far back of the classroom, away from Evan. Evan felt sick. He didn't want Connor to ever feel like Evan had left him or was upset with him, especially when Connor had done nothing wrong. There was still time before the bell rang. Evan stood up and walked toward the back to sit with Connor. This earned Evan plenty of stares from their classmates. Connor lifted his head from where it laid in his arms. Connor seemed...scared? His eyes were wide. Now that Evan was closer to him he could see that Connor had been crying. Evan felt his heart breaking. He sat down and gave Connor a soft, sympathetic smile."Why are you sitting by yourself?" Evan asked. He set his bag down and chewed his lip."Cut the shit, you know why," Connor replied. He tried to sound cold, but emotion leaked through his every word. "Ev, I mean, Evan, if you don't like me, please just say it." Connor begged. His voice cracked and Evan swore he had never seen anyone so broken."Connor-""Just say it!" Connor said, slamming his hands on the desk and startling the people around them."Connor, I do like you. I like you a lot." Evan admitted softly, cheeks heating up. "I just think we both have a lot going on and-""And I'm too fucked up for you." Connor finished bitterly“No. No, Connor,” Evan reached to take Connor’s hand. "Listen-““No, you’re right. I was an idiot to think anything could happen between us,” Connor pulled away. “I’m fucking crazy. I smoke weed and drink and fuck things up and ruin everything I touch," Connor shook his head and looked at Evan with fond eyes. “And you...you’re you.” Connor closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair.Evan let out all the breath he had in him at that. He never knew Connor felt that way. Evan shook his head and smiled sadly. "Connor, I don't care about all that," Evan promised, his voice soft and bittersweet. "I'm a mess. My anxiety is nearly paralyzing sometimes and...I want us to be together, more than anything, but we both also need to heal and work a lot on our selves," Evan added. "Can we...Can we just take it slow?" Evan asked softly. He knew that getting into a relationship can often upset preexisting mental health issues and that being with another person wouldn't make it all go away. Evan tried to take Connor's hand again.Connor relaxed and held Evan's hand, tracing small circles with his thumb on Evan's skin. "Of course, Ev," Connor replied, nodding slowly. "We'll take it as slow as we need to." Connor sighed and tried to calm down.Evan gave a small sigh of relief. "You're my best friend, Connor. I just don't want to mess this up." He admitted, voice cracking. Evan looked down at their intertwined hands. Connor could definitely agree with that feeling. The bell finally rang and through out class, Evan and Connor continued to hold hands under the desks. It made Evan's heart flutter. He was incredibly nervous. He knew their relationship would be tested to the max, but for now Evan knew they would take it slow and wouldn't rush into anything.Evan paid attention, writing notes as the teacher spoke and class began. Evan turned his head quickly from his notes to Connor, who hissed in pain. He had bumped his arm on the table. Evan looked at Connor with soft eyes and gently took his injured arm. "What did you do, Connor..." It was a rhetorical question. Evan knew. He knew far too well, in fact. Evan never self harmed, but, through the process of getting to know Connor, realized that Connor had."Can we talk about this later?" Connor replied, making it obvious the conversation wasn't happening right then. Evan sighed and returned to his work. This was a perfect example of why taking it slow was the best option for them. Connor was in a lot of pain and wasn't getting the help he needed. This caused a lot of anxiety for Evan. He adored Connor and didn't want him to do anything stupid. He knew, though, that his adoration alone would not be enough to fix their issues. Connor was in his own head, paranoid and stressed as always. There was far too much going on and he had a lot to take in. He was glad that things were somewhat solved with Evan, but Evan was right. They needed to take things slow. They both were very unstable. They couldn’t “fix” each other. They had to do that themselves.Connor didn’t do anything in class, instead thinking. He had no idea what he was doing. Connor felt he was a lost cause. Was there even a point in getting help at that point? He’d caused so much pain for his family. Connor’s father made sure he was aware of that. He fiddled with his pencil. Connor had made some poor choices after he confessed his feelings for Evan and he knew they’d have to talk about it. Connor internally groaned. Evan made sure to mother Connor when he could. Connor knew he caused Evan a lot of stress and worry. Sometimes he wondered if he was being selfish by staying friends with Evan. He was hurting him. Connor shook his head and closed his eyes tight. The bell rang, bringing Connor out of his thoughts. The day felt like it dragged on forever. Connor offered Evan a ride home, which he accepted. The pair drove off to Evan’s hand. The ride was quiet. “I guess we have a lot to talk about.” Evan broke the silence. Connor nodded, keeping his eyes on the road.
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As Connor's car pulled up to Evan's place, Evan could feel his stomach fill with dread and anxiety. Yes, it was obvious that they both had feelings for each other, but that didn't mean developing a relationship would be any easier. Evan knew he was an anxious mess at times, and wondered if he'd even be stable enough to keep a relationship going.Connor sighed and closed his eyes before pulling his keys out of the ignition. He shoved the keys into his pocket and opened his car door. Evan followed behind him and Connor and Evan stepped inside Evan's house. Connor didn't know what they were going to do either. He was irritated at himself for not knowing how to solve this, for not being stable enough to make everything work. He was paranoid. Connor had been clean from self-harm for a while, but had relapsed after his drunken confession. He felt like shit and desperately wanted to go get high and just wash it all away. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be with Evan, because he did, it was just that Connor was absolutely terrified of being on his own again. But maybe that was for the best. Maybe he was better off alone. Connor followed behind Evan and sat down on the couch.“So,” Evan said softly.” He looked down at his lap.“So...” Connor replied. It was clear neither of them had ever done anything like this before. Connor had hooked up with some of his past dealers and made some rather regrettable decisions, but this was real. Connor actually had feelings for Evan.“I’m...sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Not when I was all drunk and smoking. I...I was being an idiot and I understand if you think I’m a freak or whatever, but...” Connor couldn’t finish speaking. There was a lump in his throat. Oh fuck no. He was not going to cry.For a moment, Evan felt his own anxiety melt away. He took Connor’s hand from his lap and held it in his own. “You aren’t a freak, Connor. I promise. And it’s okay. I...I feel very much the same.” Evan’s voice stayed surprisingly steady. He squeezed Connor’s hand gently. Evan was still trying to understand Connor. There was so much that Connor didn’t share, but so much that Evan wanted to know.Connor paused for a moment, his face going blank. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This was it. This was the start of...of something. Connor looked up and his eyes locked with Evan’s. Their gazed both conveyed similar emotions.“I don’t want to put any pressure on you. I know I’m fucked up. And I know that some days I can be borderline unbearable, but I really...like you, Ev...I do.” Connor admitted, running his thumb over his and Evan’s intertwined hands.Evan smiled softly at Connor and used his other hand to cup Connor’s cheek. “Don’t talk like that. I like you for who you are. I’ve just never really had anything like this before and I don’t wanna mess it up.”Connor shook his head and cupped Evan's cheek. "Hey, we will figure it all out. We'll just take it day by day." Evan nodded slowly in agreement. There was a pause before Connor cleared his throat.“Will…Will you be my boyfriend, Evan?” Connor asked, moving back to hold Evan’s hands in his own. Connor asked, his voice soft and low."Of course!" Evan replied. He smiled warmly, hugging Connor tight and eventually knocking him over on the couch. Evan and Connor both laughed happily. "You're such a dork, Hansen," Connor teased, smirking. He wrapped his arms around Evan's waist as they held each other close. "I guess this means I have to take you on a nice date now, huh?" Evan flushed. He'd never been on a date before. Evan hadn't even had so much as a valentine in grade school. He gave Connor a shy smile. "Anything you do will be nice. It's not as though I have anything to base it off of anyway." Evan replied. He shrugged and buried his face in Connor's chest. "That just means I have to make it even better. It's our first date. I want to make it special for you. For us." Connor squeezed Evan's waist gently, causing Evan to flush even more. When Evan didn't reply, Connor got worried. "What's wrong?" Connor asked, pulling back. "What happened that night? When you called me?" Evan asked. He looked up at Connor. "I don't want to do this right now." Connor pulled away and sat up on the couch again. His demeanor changed completely. "Connor-""No!" Evan jumped when Connor yelled. He pulled back completely from him, looking scared. "Evan-" Connor's heart sank and he reached out for him, but Evan stood up. "I'm s-sorry," Evan stuttered. Connor stood up and shook his head. "Don't be. It's just...a lot. I just don't want to get into it all right now," Connor admitted. He took a a deep breath and slowly approached Evan. "I shouldn't have blown up on you though. That was shitty of me." Connor added. Evan shrugged, but gently held Connor's hand. "I'm worried about you." Evan said. "I know. I am too." Connor replied. And with that, Evan stepped into Connor's arms, letting Connor hold him. Evan closed his eyes, understanding now what he had gotten himself into.