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"Gabe for gods sake will you open a window or something?! That stink will literally stop my heart one day.""Sorry not sorry Cas, that is the smell of a healthy digestive system.""That is the smell of a digestive system screaming for help as it dies in agony.""Hmm, maybe. But until I actually keel over, that smell is your life now my friend.""Somebody be merciful and keel me over, please."Gabriel laughed as he turned the page of his text book, chewing lazily on a twizzler. Cas came out of the bathroom, topless and only in sweat pants, falling gracefully onto his bed on the other side of the room. "You don't have class today, isn't that why you dragged me out against my will last night?" Cas asked."Yes, but I'm behind on, well, everything. Basically I have the next two days to catch up on all my assignments.""Hmm. Good luck with that.""And for your information asshole, I dragged you out because you need lightening up, and by lightening up of course I mean-""I know what you mean Gabe! I've told you before, I'm just not interested.""What are we not interested in?" Charlies voice sounded from the door."One night stands. They're not really my thing.""Mm that'll be because it's only been, what, over a year since Dean broke your heart? Seriously Cas, please, for us, your closest friends, you need to let go of this hang up and at least try to move on. He hasn't even called you this entire time.""He didn't break my heart Charlie, I broke his. And I will move on when I am good and ready.""You know, the way you talk about him Cas I'd love to meet this famous Dean one day, just to see what all the hype is about." Gabe injected."What do you mean? I never talk about him.""Exactly. It's the ones they never talk about that're the special ones, the ones that got away.""That's a little dramatic, don't you think?""Mmm maybe. Anyways, if I have to look at anymore of this text book I'm gonna off myself, candy store anyone?""Oh yes me!" Charlie brightened up like a kid at Christmas."Alright, let's get Meg, she probably needs saving from her history lecture.""You guys have fun, I'm going to lay here and die slowly of hangover.""Baby." Charlie accused, whacking his feet playfully."Bring me back something!" Cas called as they shut the door behind them. Cas got comfortable and let his eyes drift shut, soon enough he was fast asleep, dreaming the same dream he had almost every time he slept, Dean backing him against that wall and kissing him, only in the dream, instead of pushing him away, Cas pulled Dean in closer and kissed him back with everything he had. There was no mistaking his intentions or his feelings, and he wouldn't have gone without hearing his favourite voice for so long. He wouldn't have gone over a year without seeing Deans smile or hearing him laugh. He wouldn't have gone so long without feeling those green eyes bore into him and churn his gut in nerves and excitement. Because when he closed his eyes he could still see the freckles brushed over Deans nose, and the urge to hold Deans face in his hands and kiss every one of those freckles was still so strong. It was strong enough that every time Cas tried to move on, to go on a date with someone else or even just hook up, he could never follow through. Their eyes were too plain, their hair too dark, too tall, too short, too skinny, their smile didn't light up a room, their lips didn't feel like heaven on earth. They weren't extraordinary, at least not to Cas. And he knew it wasn't fair, that those guys were probably very compatible, very worthy guys that Cas might even be happy with. But they weren't Dean. Because, when you've gotten a taste of something divine, nothing else is really the same, is it?Cas had improved his life in other ways instead, the first six months of college, he took himself to the campus therapist. After everything that happened before he arrived, he knew he'd need help. The therapist, Sara, had been wonderful. She helped Cas come to terms with the fact that his parents disowned him, and that it was not his fault. He had to accept the loss, yes, but he did not need to feel guilty or let it hold him back, he was even grateful that they at least allowed him to keep his college fund, which was more than a lot of disowned teenagers got. She helped him feel more comfortable and confident with his coming out, and Cas was just as comfortable with his sexuality now as he was with his own heartbeat. She suggested that he focus on things other than relationships to help get over what happened with Dean, to concentrate on himself and love himself first before thinking of anyone else. Cas took that advice to a tea, he already liked himself, he was a good person and his gaming and book wormness weren't things he was ashamed of. But there were other things he wasn't too fond of, his body for one. So, after working this out with Sara, Cas started exercising. He ran laps around campus most days and used the campus gym at least once or twice a week. He had really toned up in that time, feeling more energetic and happy about himself since. The other thing he didn't like was his social awkwardness. His help in the field came totally on its own in the form of his first year roommate, Gabriel. Gabriel was 5'5" of concentrated candy and sass. He was a party canon always waiting to explode and for some reason, he had taken an instant liking to Cas. They even requested they stay roommates in their second year. Gabriel was always talking Cas into going to parties with him, the man had a silver tongue and Cas always ended up relenting and with Gabe's help, even enjoying himself. A few months into their first year and Gabe and Charlie's roommate Meg started dating, Meg was a sarcastic firecracker who gave no shits and was a perfect match for campus' most notorious prankster. Half way through their second year and the four of them were almost inseparable, Cas was happy. As happy as he could be anyway. He loved himself more than he ever had before, he had three amazing friends, he was living his own life and living it well. But every now and again, he would catch a glimpse of someone wearing a brown leather jacket, or hear the rumble of a muscle car down the street, and his heart would leap into his throat as for just a split moment, he thought, maybe it's Dean. It would highlight the fact that Castiel still felt a hole in his chest, something big and important was still missing and there was nothing he could do about it, because that hole was his heart and there was a boy back in his home town who still held onto it.Castiel spent the next three weeks like he always did, working out, eating ramen with Gabriel, sitting through his English Lit and World History lectures, doing assignments, helping the others with their assignments, watching movies with his friends, gaming with Charlie, checking guys out with Meg, making his bi-monthly calls to Kevin and Jo, and spending a few hours every week at both his jobs, delivering pizza and uber driving. He was actually making some decent money doing both, and Mrs. Tran was happy to hear it when he made the occasional call to her. Of course Meg made the pizza man porno joke more than once, but they quickly stopped making fun when he got to bring free pizza back to the dorms. The following week, Charlie came bursting in on Cas and Gabe studying, her hair was wild and she was in both a dress and pajama pants, like she was half way getting ready when she ran over."Charlie? Everything okay?""Cas! You're not gonna believe it!""Well, tell me and I'll try.""Jo got accepted into Quantico! She's gonna be an FBI agent!" "Oh my god that's amazing! When does she start?""Not for another month, but she hasn't seen us in so long she's on her way here to celebrate with us.""Right now?""Yes! She'll be here later tonight! I'm so excited!""Where is she going to stay?""Since it's only for one night Meg said she would stay in your guys room tonight and Jo can have her bed. Is that okay?" Charlie looked to Cas and Gabe pleadingly like it just occurred to her that it might not be okay."Castiel! Dig out your noise cancelling headphones!" Gabe shouted with glee."Jesus. Yes Charlie it's okay, I'll come and say hi when she gets here.""Yay! Thank you!" She hugged Cas quickly then bounded back out of the room."You know I've never met Jo, what's she like?" Gabe asked."Nice, but a hard ass. If she likes you, you'll know. If she doesn't like you, you'll really know.""All the makings of a great fed, good for her.""How have you not met Jo by now?""Well she's never come here, Charlie mentioned seeing her over Christmas break.""Yeah, come to think of it I haven't seen her since I left home.""You didn't go with Charlie for the holidays?""No, I didn't want to go home. There's nothing for me there.""Can't really call it home then can you.""What else would I call it?""The place where you grew up.""Oh? And what is your definition of home if not the place you grew up?""Hmm, home is... the place that always has an open door for you, no matter what. Like the old saying, home is where the heart is."Gabe shouldered his backpack and went off to his first class for the day with a lollipop tucked snugly inside his cheek, leaving Cas to ponder that thought alone.The day passed fine enough, Cas made a few deliveries of both the human and pizza variety, and he found himself excitedly looking forward to seeing Jo again. He turned up in front of Charlie's dorm room with four pepperoni specials and knocked on the door. Jo answered, she had cut her hair short, and wore a little more makeup than she used to, but her toothy grin was the same and she threw her arms around Castiels neck as he tried to stop their dinner from toppling to the floor. "Cas! It's been too long!""I know, that's my fault I'm sorry.""Nah it's okay, we've both been pretty damn busy.""I heard, Quantico? I hope those boys are ready for Joanna Beth Harvelle to show 'em how it's done."Jo laughed nervously as they sat down inside with the other three."So being a beat cop got boring?" Cas asked, everyone chewing their slices happily."Yeah well, you know me, I love a challenge, and mom and dad were thrilled.""How are your parents anyway?""More of the same, dad's pretty happy the garage is picking up business now he's got someone who actually knows what they're doing."Charlie cleared her throat unsubtly and shook her head at Jo, eyes wide and full of warning. Jo sat up straighter, apparently having made a mistake without realising it."What? What am I missing?" Cas asked suspiciously."It's nothing, tell me about your classes! What's university like?"Cas suspected there was more to it than that, but if it was to do with Jo's dad then it was none of his business anyway, so he let her change the subject and they ended up talking for hours, Meg and Gabe included. When Jo left the next morning Cas was sad to see her go, he missed her no nonsense attitude that often balanced out Charlie's dramatic enthusiasm and it had been surreal for him, catching up with someone from his old town that wasn't Charlie or Kevin.Life continued as normal, for the next few months anyway. Two days before the next Christmas break, another Cas was planning to spend alone on campus, he got a call from his best friend."Hey Kev, what's up?""Cas, it's my mom.""What happened? Is she okay?""She was putting up Christmas lights and fell off the ladder, she's hurt. I'm getting in my car now to get home, but even driving without stopping I won't get there for a couple of days. I need you to go help her when she gets out of hospital, just until I get there.""I'll leave right away. Is there anything in particular she'll need when I get there?""I don't know, I guess she'll tell you herself. She's in your dads hospital.""Okay, I'll call you when I've seen her and let you know how she's doing.""Thanks Cas, I owe you one.""No you don't, but I owe about a hundred to your mom, so don't stress, I'll take care of her.""Yeah, I know you will. I'll see you in a couple of days."The line went dead as Kevin hung up. Cas raced around his room gathering only his bare essentials into his backpack, calling his boss at the pizza shop to let him know there was a family emergency and he'd be gone for a week. He temporarily deactivated his Uber account and called Gabe on his way to his car. Gabe was in a lecture at the time so Cas left him a voicemail explaining what happened, asking him to pass the message along to Charlie and Meg. Before Cas had time to panic about the idea that he might run into a few choice people in his old town, he was hitting the highway in his blue Mazda, going a direction he had thought he'd never be going again.
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It was a surreal experience, driving through the city first before the outer suburbs and townships. Cas had never had much occasion to visit the city when he lived there, but there were a few bookshops and cafes he recognised, and the closer he got to his dads hospital, the more familiar everything looked. The Irish bar with its neons turned off during the day, the kids playground with mothers watching their preschoolers run around, teenagers grouped in their couples and friend circles, bundled up against the cold but determined to be out of the house anyway. The cracked pavement and traffic lights and the same cars parked outside the same shops because the same people still worked there. Cas had to remind himself that it had only been two years, not even that. A place doesn't change that much in two years, it only felt like a headrush because very detail had been seared into his brain, every day for eighteen years he had seen these details, then, suddenly, he didn't. In one way, it felt like he had been gone for twenty years, on the other, like he had never left at all.He parked up at the hospital and went straight to the Outpatients ward, finding his way there on autopilot. Cas found a familiar nurse at the information desk."Tessa?""Hello, can I help you?""Um, yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. Tran. Is she still here?""Yes of course, are you family?""Sort of. Her son asked me to come, he's driving from New York and he wanted someone to be with her in the mean time.""Oh, that's very kind of you. She's in room 304.""Thank you."Cas smiled and took off, quickly finding 304 and knocking before going in. "Hello? Is that you Tessa?""Hello Mrs. Tran." Cas smiled as he came into view,
Mrs. Tran lit up. "Castiel?!""In the flesh."Mrs. Tran held her arms out for a hug and Cas gladly obliged. As he pulled away she took the opportunity to whack him hard over the back of the head."Ow!""Why did it take a near death experience for you to finally come visit huh?!""You weren't anywhere near death.""Not the point.""I know. I'm sorry.""You can't let your past control you Castiel, otherwise it's never really in your past. I know you have a lot of bad memories here, but I think you have a few good ones too. Don't let the bad ones keep you away, please? I missed you, just like I miss Kevin."Castiels eyes threatened to well up at the sentiment, he didn't know Mrs. Tran felt that strongly. Although, he guessed, she had always been maternal to him, a lot more so than Naomi anyway. Even as a fourteen year old freshman who had just made a new friend, she had refused to let him go home to an empty house, with parents working and big sister partying, Linda Tran had told him to sit his butt down for dinner and gave him a sleeping bag and toothbrush until he was old enough to not be a worry on his own. Cas quickly pulled himself together, feeling like a vulnerable child under her keen gaze. "So, what did the doctors say?""They told me I broke my fibula. Nothing serious, I can go home today once the doctor's finished making his rounds.""Okay, what do I need to get for you?""Well I won't be able to wear pants for a little while because of the cast, so if you could run to the house and grab me my gardening shorts and a clean t-shirt that would be great, also my flip flops and my handbag. My neighbour drove me here so I didn't get the chance to grab anything.""Of course, I'll be right back."Cas squeezed her hand and took off again, peeling from the parking lot and taking the familiar streets to the Tran house. When he got there Cas saw what had happened, the ladder on its side in the flower beds and the lights hanging to the ground from half way across the front gutters told the whole story. Cas decided to deal with them later and bounded up the steps, the house was still unlocked from before the accident so Cas grabbed everything Mrs. Tran asked for and took off back to the hospital. Two hours later Castiel was back at the house, carrying Mrs. Tran's things and being a ready support as she slowly used her new crutches to get inside. He helped her get comfortable on the couch and set her up with a cup of tea before calling Kevin and filling him in, assuring his friend that she was safe and sound and being looked after. He passed the phone to Mrs. Tran and started on dinner as they talked, his cooking skills not having suffered during the culinary hell that is college. They ate several bowls of noodle soup, it was a special Chinese recipe Cas found in their pantry that Mrs. Tran said Kevin's grandmother used to make for all sorts of ailments. Cas stayed in Kevin's old bed that night and stared at the ceiling, remembering how many times he had stared at the same ceiling, unable to sleep because of thoughts of Dean running rampant in his head. These days weren't much better really, and it still took Cas over an hour to fall asleep, the sound of a distant thunderstorm echoing just beyond earshot.The next day, Cas set to work early, after taking care of Mrs. Trans breakfast in bed, he went outside and righted the ladder, being extra careful as he strung up the remainder of the lights in classic loops. He fetched a bunch more from the boxes of decorations open in the living room and spent another hour decking out the perfectly maintained front yard. When he was finished with that, Cas decided he might as well go all in and did the inside of the house too, lights and tinsel all colour coordinated until it was practically shining with Christmas. Mrs. Tran was overjoyed when she came limping in on her crutches."It looks beautiful Cas, you didn't have to do that.""Yeah I did, I figured you'd like it all up before Kevin gets home. He should get here sometime tomorrow, and if it's okay with you, we'll wait for him before we all go pick a tree?""That's perfect, good idea. First though, let's go out and get some lunch, my treat.""Are you sure? Don't you think you should be resting?""Resting shmesting. I have my pain medication, I'm fine. I won't let a stupid thing like a broken leg stop me from taking you out to lunch. Come on, you can tell me all about college while we're there."Cas drove them in his car to Mrs. Trans favourite vegetarian cafe, Cas had even been there a few times with Kevin and he had to admit that their food was delicious. Mrs. Tran ordered a roast vegetable salad and Cas a barbeque squash burger with a soda each, when the waiter walked away Mrs. Tran folded her hands on the table and caught Cas with that knowing look she did sometimes. "So, tell me about your classes.""Well, professor Rufus, my world history teacher I told you about, last month a girl tried offering 'favours' to get an extension on a paper, he laughed in her face and made her drop and do twenty push ups, fifteen for the extension, and five for trying to weasel out of it by suggesting he be unfaithful to his wife. He said 'here is a life lesson for everybody, get where you need to get by earning it, trade hard work for dignity, and not only will you never reach your goal, you will lose your soul along the way.' Bit of a messed up scenario but the thought has stayed with me. I think it stayed with that girl too because she's in the top ten of the class now.""That's good, you're already a hard worker Castiel, but there will always be temptations to cheat to get ahead, and your professor is right, it's better to fail honestly, get back up and try again, than it is to succeed the first time through nefarious means.""Yes, that was my interpretation as well.""What about your other class?""English Lit? It's going well, very well, actually. I'm currently top of the class.""Cas that's amazing!""Thank you, the professor, Mr. Wyatt has been very helpful, he says I'm the most talented student he's had in years and gives me all sorts of tips and tricks to use in my writing, he's a very nice man.""Good, I'm glad he's encouraging your skills, that what teachers are supposed to do you know, bring out your skills and nurture them. What about your roommate Gabriel, what nonsense has he been up to lately?""Well, three weeks ago when we got the first snow, it happened to fall on the day a number of students were doing a protest against the cover up of a rape that happened on campus.""Oh my god that's awful.""Yeah some rich frat dick found an unconscious girl at a party. The school gave him a suspension, not an expulsion, and never told the cops. They told the girl she needs to be more careful, can you believe that?""Unfortunately I can.""But bless her, she gave them the middle finger, told everyone and a whole bunch of them held a protest on campus grounds. Anyway, it was during this protest that the frat douche in question and a few of his buddies saw what was going on and decided to drive by in their damn Mercedes', doing donuts to spray the protesters with snow. They did this maybe three or four times when Gabe saw what was happening. So he went to the nearest fire hydrant, only a few feet away, and built a snowman around it, then stuck one of the protesters signs in the top, knowing the frat guys wouldn't be able to resist it. Sure enough, a few minutes later the Mercedes circles back around, sees the snow man, ploughed right into it. Car was wrecked, all the guys in it got airbagged, everyone took pictures and plastered them around the campus and social media for days. The entire situation made the local news, but somehow Gabe managed to slip away unnoticed before he had to pay for anything."Mrs. Tran just shook her head, some of the stories about Gabriel she just couldn't wrap her head around. Their food came and they chowed down, in between bites Cas told her more stories about Gabe and Meg and Charlie, and even things he had gotten up to with them. By the time they were well finished they had both been in fits of laughter and drawing attention from the other patrons. They drove home after that and Cas set them up on the couch with tea and snacks and movies. They had a nice afternoon as the weather chilled, a fresh flurry of snow sprinkling the ground after sunset.The next morning Kevin arrived just after breakfast and Cas whipped up some extra pancakes for him. Kevin rushed into his mother arms frantically."Mom! I'm so sorry I couldn't be here sooner, I only stopped to rest once I promise, are you okay? Do you need anything? Are you in pain?""For gods sake son I'm fine, Castiel has been taking great care of me, and I'm not as fragile as I look you know, I can handle a broken bone or two.""Okay, good, that's good." Kevin sat down at his pancakes but had a far off look in his eyes, like he wasn't quite in the moment."Kev? You okay man?""Uh, yeah. Just, you know, tired.""How long were you driving for?""That last stretch? Um, fifteen hours I think.""Okay, well you're going to eat, and then you're going to come help us get a tree.""A tree?""Yes Kev, a tree. You know, a Christmas tree, that tree that people get at Christmas? It's tall and green and pointy and swarming with bugs.""Yeah, okay. Shouldn't I sleep or something?""You need to stay awake until tonight, or your sleeping pattern will get all screwed up. Besides, you're a student, what even is sleep anymore?"Kevin cracked a laugh at that one."Yeah, I guess you're right. Man, I gotta say, I never struggled this much with school work before.""That's because what we do isn't school work, it's hell."Kevin laughed again with a mouth full of pancake."God that's so true.""Eat up! We got places to be!""Two and half hours later, they were driving home with a small but freshly cut Christmas tree strapped to the roof of Kevin's car. Cas and Kevin decorated it together while Mrs. Tran put her feet up. The three of them talked and laughed, Kevin regaled them with stories from Harvard, and when it got late Cas snuggled down on his old spot on the floor in his old sleeping bag. He fell asleep with the smell of a thunderstorm almost palapable in the cold winters air.The next morning brought saturday and some foreboding rain clouds. Castiel was having breakfast with Mrs. Tran, Kevin finally catching up on his sleep."Castiel, I was going to ask Kevin to do this, but since he needs his rest, I have a favour to ask you.""Shoot.""Before the accident, I took my car into Bobby Singers garage for a service, it was due to be picked up today. Do you think you could go get it for me?""Sure, no problem.""Thank you Castiel, you're a good boy."Cas blushed under the praise and called a taxi to the house. It was only a ten minute ride and Cas paid the driver before entering the garage shyly through the open roller doors, there was a familiar song playing on a stereo somewhere in the back, the place was open and there were cars everywhere, but otherwise it appeared to be empty. "Hello? I'm here to pick up an SUV for Linda Tran!"Cas called, hoping whoever was in the back would hear, no-one came out."Hello?!" He called louder. This time, Cas heard a loud bang and muttered swearing, clearly having had given the poor mechanic a fright. Moments later a figure in a stained white t-shirt and blue overalls came in from the back, a set of car keys in one hand and a cloth streaked with black gunk in the other. Cas stood rooted to the spot, the air leaving his lungs and his brain short circuiting. The first clap of thunder could be heard not far away."...Dean?""...Cas."The two stood there for several seconds in shocked silence, just taking each other in, trying to determine if it was reality that they were standing in front of one another. "W-what um... what are you uh...""Uh Mrs. Tran, Kevin's mom. She got hurt, I'm just helping.""Right. Yeah, of course. Her car is just out here."Dean cleared his throat and walked passed Cas to a sheltered part of the lot, walking faster than necessary. Cas didn't know if it was to keep distance or because Deans heart was beating as fast as his own. Dean looked good, really, really good. He was still clearly him, his hair was the same, his eyes, his freckles, everything was exactly as Cas remembered, only infinitely more perfect. But Cas could tell Dean had beefed up a bit in the last two years, he had dark stubble lining his jaw and a fading bruise on his cheek."Here she is. Just sign this and she's all yours."Dean pulled a slip of paper from the dashboard of the car and held it out to Cas with a pen, Cas noticed he very purposely avoided eye contact. Cas signed the paper and handed both items back. Dean held out the keys and Cas grabbed for them, brushing Deans fingertips with his own. For a moment, he stayed there, frozen in time, the barest hint of their skin on skin contact sending lightening bolts through Castiels entire body. That was when Dean finally looked up and made eye contact with him, and god, Cas had missed that green. Dean was always so expressive with his eyes, and Castiel saw so much in them now. Dean was hurting, he had been hurting for two years, he lost his best friend and now he was back, and Dean couldn't even look at him. He needed an out. He needed to know they were okay, but Dean was never going to reach out first. Not again. So Cas shoved the keys in his jacket pocket and before the other man could respond, pulled Dean in and wrapped his arms around him. Dean stood frozen for a while, not sure that this is what he wanted, but Cas just stayed there, and waited patiently. Eventually, Dean gave in. He wrapped his arms around Cas in return and buried his face in Cas' shoulder, bunching up the back of his jacket as he held on like he was afraid Cas would disappear. Cas breathed in Deans scent, felt that warmth and security he had felt the first time Dean hugged him, that feeling that he had never been able to properly replicate with anyone else. After a time that was never going to be long enough, they pulled apart. Cas put his hand on Deans shoulder and gave him a small, reassuring smile. "Patrick's Hollow, eight pm, tonight." Cas said."The Irish bar on twenty first?""That's the one. What do you say? Two old friends getting a drink? We have so much to catch up on.""...Alright. I'll see you there."Cas smiled again and got into the car, Dean watched him go and waved at the entrance. As soon as Cas was on the road he wound down the window, turned the radio right up and screamed with joy as loud as he could. He slapped the steering wheel and bounced up and down in his seat and screamed again, his face wasn't wide enough for the smile in his heart, and when he pulled back into the Tran house and saw it was only 11am, his heart twisted that he would have so long to wait. He ran inside and put Mrs. Trans keys on their hook, grabbing his own keys instead."Where are you going?" Kevin asked."I've got some shopping to do, wanna come?"Kevin took one look at his mother on the couch who had been nagging him to keep studying over the Christmas break."God yes."Kevin grabbed his jacket and essentials and kissed his mother on the cheek."Bye mom love you back soon."The boys rushed out the door and dived into Castiels car, Cas tore down the street, his adrenaline still high enough to speed and turn the music up loud."Dude did you take some acid or something?""Nope, better. Kev you're not gonna believe what happened."Meanwhile, Dean turned his song up as loud as the stereo would go, dancing and head banging around the garage, his adrenaline soaring. He knew now he'd get the rest of these cars done before dinner time, even if he was the only one in the shop that day. Then again, if he had until eight pm, probably best to draw it out, give himself something to do. Dean turned the music down again and made a quick call."Hey Lis, yeah I won't be able to come around tonight. Yeah snows got people crashing all over the place looks like I'll be working late. K bye, love you too."Dean didn't know what scared him more, that he so easily lied to his girlfriend and didn't feel the least bit bad about it, or that he felt more happiness and excitement from sixty seconds with Castiel than he had at all the last two years. Dean didn't bother pondering it too much, but god he just had to tell someone. He dialled again."Sammy! Dude, you are not going to believe what just happened."
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"So wait, it's a date then?""No it's not a date! We're just going for a drink, catching up, as friends.""Friends who secretly-not-so-secretly want to bang each other and haven't spoken in two years.""Essentially, yes.""Oh yeah, sounds like a recipe for platonic."Kevin snarked sarcastically as they walked through the mall together. "Are you going to help me or not?""I am helping you Cas. I'm just saying, don't get carried away. I've only been home a couple of times since leaving but as far as I know, nothing has changed. I don't want you to get your hopes up.""I'm getting my hopes up that Dean will be back in my life, period. Whatever form that has to take I'm willing to accept it.""Are you sure about that?"Cas rounded on Kevin, he knew his friend was just looking out for him, but he couldn't help but get annoyed that he wasn't being supportive."Yes I'm sure! If Dean just wants to be friends, I'm okay with that, I don't expect he's been pining over me this whole time.""The way you've been pining over him you mean?""What's that supposed to mean?""It means that... when it comes to Dean, it's different for you. You throw yourself at his feet and expect not to be stepped on. But you were stepped on, and now you're right back on the ground and I just don't want to see you stepped on again on the off chance he could see you the same way you see him.""It doesn't matter how Dean sees me. As long as he sees me.""And you don't see a problem with that? I thought that Sara chick was teaching you to have some self-respect. And what about Dean? How is it respectful of him for you to harbour secret feelings and always hope it'll turn into something more?""That is not what I'm doing. I have plenty of respect, for him and myself. If anything I have too much and that's why I'm in this mess in the first place.""What do you mean?""I mean if I didn't respect Dean, I wouldn't have pushed him away when he kissed me. If I didn't respect myself I would have stayed and pursued him instead of going to KSU. Respect isn't the problem here Kevin the problem is that I packed in a hurry and I don't have a goddamn thing to wear so Will. You. Please. Help. Me."Kevin sighed and picked a shirt off the nearest rack."Here."Cas took the shirt skeptically."It brings out your eyes."Cas raised his eyebrows at Kevin, who huffed and shooed Cas to the changing room."My mom taught me how to dress nice okay shut up."Kevin could still hear Cas giggling behind the door.Hours later Dean was throwing one shirt after the other from his closet, Sam sitting on Deans bed watching amusedly."So Cas is back huh?""If your input is not constructive then keep your trap shut.""Just saying.""Saying what?""Well, you know.""No dumbass, if I knew I wouldn't be asking.""Maybe you guys could, pick up where you left things.""I don't know what you're talking about.""Oh yeah, I'm sure most people easily forget shit like the day they tried to kiss their best friend and the best friend had to leave town forever. That wasn't emotionally traumatising at all.""I was drunk, it was just a stupid thing. Me and Cas have never stopped being friends.""Oh yeah?""Yes!""How many times you called him since he left?"Dean was silent."If I go into your desk drawer right now, I'll bet that note is still in there, because you never even used it.""Like I said, be helpful or fuck off."Sam shook his head and got off the bed, pointing to a green Henley on the floor."That one. Asshole."Sam left and shut the door behind him as Dean scooped the shirt and gave it a smell test. He threw it on his bed for after his shower and eyed the drawer. After a moments hesitation Dean walked over and opened it, rumaging under some other papers and notebooks. And there it was, a faded yellow post-it, folded and crumpled over and over.'I'll always be here for you'Dean had reread those six words so many times over the last two years. He had put the number in his phone, then deleted it, then put it back in, then deleted it again. He had gotten in the Impala and driven all the way to KSU, sat in the parking lot for an hour then drove back. He had fucked every girl in a bar he came across just to get Cas out of his head, to try and fill the aching void in his chest. And every single time he ended up focusing on something blue to get off, then he just felt worse after. He could do this. He could meet with Cas. He could sit down at a bar with Cas as friends and catch up. And when Cas told him about all the girls he had been banging at college, Dean would have to suck it up and put on a brave face. He could do this.Dean showered and forced himself not to think about where he was going. He got dressed and did his hair and shucked on his boots all while thinking only about the task at hand, because if he let himself think about where he was going, and who he was meeting, he might just chicken out, then he would never forgive himself. Sam didn't say anything as Dean bounded out the door and into the Impala, turning the music up and jittering around with nerves as he drove to Patrick's Hollow.Cas sat at a small high table close to the bar. He had gotten there thirty minutes early because he just couldn't stay put any longer. He nursed the tiny remnants of his pint, constantly checking between his phone and the door. As he studied the wood of the table top, he heard a familiar rumble from the parking lot behind the bar and let out a tiny, sideways smile. Sure enough, 2 minutes later Dean strode through the front door. Cas had to remember how to breath, in his green Henley that stuck like skin, his hair styled just so, and the leather jacket Cas bought him, Dean looked like a dream. Dean spotted him and strode over, he seemed hesitant and nervous, and Cas didn't blame him. "Hey Cas.""Hello Dean. What do you drink? My treat.""Oh you don't have to-""Please, I insist.""Alright, I'll get a beer, whatever's on tap."Dean shed his jacket and lay it over a spare chair, settling in while Cas placed their order at the bar, two more pints plus some greasy snacks. He returned to the table with their drinks and sat down opposite Dean who looked no more relaxed than before, Cas hoped the drinks would help."So, uhh..." Dean trailed off and scratched the back of his head, embaressed."It's okay, this is a little awkward for me too.""Oh. Good. I mean, not good, good, but, uh how's college?""It's... different.""Oh? How so?""The professors aren't like highschool teachers, they don't nag you or treat you like a child, they give you the work and expect it to be done, if it's not then, tough shit, you fail. They really don't give a damn what you do otherwise.""So you, what, have free reign all the time?""Basically yeah. It's really quite amazing, it's like a world all in on itself, people do things, say things, wear things, that they never would otherwise. The freedom of knowing that everybody else is going through the same journey of self discovery really brings out the weird.""Ha! Sounds like a paradise.""Sometimes. Sometimes people discovering themselves do so to discover they're assholes. And then there's the studying, it's torture how much work goes into each class.""So, do you have a job or something?""Yes actually, I dabble in pizza delivery and Uber driving.""Smart, you like it?""Eh, I don't hate it. I couldn't do it for years, but for now I get paid AND get free pizza so I can't complain.""Money and free pizza, what a life Cas." Dean laughed then and it lit up the whole room, Cas instantly felt more relaxed."What about the dorms huh? I hear a lot of kinky stuff goes down, do you get a co-ed roommate or something?""Ha, no, there's no co-ed dorms, for safety reasons. But my roommate Gabriel is hilarious.""Yeah? How so?""He's a trickster. Loves pranking people, the more people at once the better, although he insists it's always for the greater good.""What do you mean?""Well, there was this one guy who we saw almost every day, parking in the only disabled space on that side of campus. Eventually Gabe had had enough, so he reeled me in and got me to play the part of his brother, and when the guy came back to his car later one afternoon, we walk passed, making sure we were in earshot, Gabriel is on crutches, crying his eyes out, I'm trying to comfort him and he's blabbing about missing all his classes because someone keeps taking up the disabled space and now he's going to fail because he can't make his classes in time. And I'm walking with him, trying to comfort him, telling him that mom and dad will still make him comfortable for the time he has left, then I start crying and it's all very over dramatic. Anyway, the next day, sure enough the disabled space is taken by a different car, one with those little tags in the window so you know they can park there. But that still wasn't good enough for Gabe, so in the middle of the night, all four of us go down there while it was empty, with spray paint and stensils, and just create four new spaces next to the original one.""Didn't the school suspend you or something?""Nope, they never caught us, never even noticed. They look real and nobody wants to be the asshole that takes away disabled parking spaces, so they just left it.""Wow, I can't say I ever imagined you of all people doing stuff like that.""Yeah well, college and therapy have really brought me out of my shell.""You have a therapist?""I did, when I first got there. Helped me figure things out about my parents, what I was doing, about myself.""And have you?""Have I what?""Figured yourself out.""I don't know, probably not. But it's fun finding out.""Hmm. You said, four of us?""Myself and Gabriel yes, with Charlie and Meg. Meg is Charlie's roommate and Gabe's girlfriend.""How is Charlie these days?""She's good, she loves college even more than I do, gets laid constantly.""Yeah like you don't.""Yeah...anyway. Enough about me. What's it like working for Jo's dad?""Pretty cool actually. He's a hard ass but he's not an asshole, just has expectations you know? When I showed him I could build an engine from scratch he hired me right away, been there since graduation.""And what about Sam?""Sammy's great, sophomore now, straight A's, on his way to freakin valedictorian. He's got a girlfriend now too, Jess, she's a nice girl, smart, pretty, don't know how Sam managed it."Dean laughed and Cas laughed with him as a waitress placed their hot snacks on the table."Can I get two more of these please?" Cas asked, wriggling his almost empty glass."Sure thing honey."The waitress winked at him and walked away, swaying her hips flirtatiously. Dean whistled low and raised his eyebrows suggestively at Cas."Damn dude, you're in.""I... don't think so.""Why not man she's hot, and she likes you.""She's not my type.""Oh you have a type now? All those college girls throwing themselves at you given you an acquired taste is that it?" Dean laughed at his own joke and finished off his beer."She's not my type because she's a woman.""...Oh.""There have been no college girls, not even any college boys, really.""So, are you, you know, out?""You mean am I open? Yes. I could shout it in the middle of a busy street and not give a damn.""Wait, is that why your parents kicked you out?""Yes. They forgave me for what they saw between us, but I refused to hide myself any longer. They gave me my college money and disowned me on the spot.""And all this time I thought, Cas I thought they kicked you out because of what I did.""No, nothing was ever your fault. If anything, I have to thank you. If it weren't for what you did, I might never have come out at all.""Yeah well, yay me."The waitress came back with their beer and blatantly checked out Castiel again. Cas ignored her, he was fixed on Dean and the way he licked a stray drop of beer from his bottom lip."Dean, is that why you never called?""Yeah well, you know, I thought I had ruined your life. I couldn't see why you'd want to speak to me Cas.""You didn't ruin anything. You set me free.""But now your back.""For now, for Christmas. I have to go back to school on tuesday, but I'd like to leave us in a better place than I did last time we saw each other. And I'd like to know you'll call me sometimes."Dean held Castiels gaze for a few seconds, took a long swig of his drink, then seemed to make up his mind."Okay.""Okay?""Yeah, I think I'd like to have a friend again.""Thank you Dean.""Hey, no chick flick moments remember."Cas laughed and they clinked their glasses together."Deal. So, tell me more about what's been happening with you.""There's nothing really to tell man. Just working my ass off, looking after Sam, the same as I was before.""You still live at home?""Yeah well, it's free, and while I'm there dad doesn't hurt Sam.""He's still hurting you though.""I'm used to it. Two more years and we can both turn tail. I put everything I earn into savings for when we can finally get out, maybe we'll both go to college, who knows?""I see you don't bother covering it up anymore.""No point, I don't have to answer to anyone anymore.""Fair enough, still, I'm sorry you're stuck there.""Don't be sorry, it's not your fault.""If I remember correctly it was Zach's.""Yeah, that dick.""What happened to him anyway?""Parents bought him a one way ticket to Brown. They have to deal with his ugly ass now.""Good riddance.""Yeah, right. I'm still pissed I missed you breaking his nose.""Ha! Well you were there at the time.""Yeah just out cold and dying.""You were not dying.""I was, honest to god Cas I was going to die.""I was there Dean, I dragged your ass to the hospital, and I spoke to the nurse, very sick, yes. Dying, no. Drama queen.""I am not a drama queen!""You are the queen of drama queens.""If there's a queen here it's you gay boy."Cas threw an onion ring at Deans face, hitting him square on the nose. Dean flinched but laughed heartily as he picked it up and ate it."You remember that time at prom, you literally created drama, broke a couple up in the middle of the dance floor then sat back and watched it unfold. And that one time Gordon was being a dick to me so the next time he threw a spit ball at you in class, you had a rock ready in your bag and kicked it out onto the floor, screaming in pain and telling the teacher and then the principal he had thrown the rock at you.""Yeah, that was pretty great.""He got suspended!""Good! He was an asshole."They cracked up laughing and spent the rest of the night like that, laughing, joking, reminiscing. They fell into their old comfort with each other so easily it was like they had never been apart. Cas felt warm all over and for the first time in two years, the aching chasm in his chest stopped hurting.Around three am the bar closed up so Cas and Dean called it a night, they had quit drinking hours ago to be able to drive and had sobered enough by the time they were going back to their cars. It was pouring down with rain by then, the storm was finally overhead. They stood at the door of the Impala, rain soaking their clothes and sticking their hair down, the freezing cold chilling Castiels bones."Will I see you again before you go?" Dean asked."I don't think so, I have to help out Kevin's mom, and I'll be spending Christmas with them.""Yeah, I'll be working round the clock, except for Christmas day with Sammy.""Of course. Maybe you and Sam can come visit me at KSU sometime.""Yeah, yeah we'd like that."Cas nodded and gave a small smile, Dean looked like a lost puppy and Cas couldn't handle it. He held his arms out and pulled Dean in for a hug like he had earlier in the day. They clung to each other, for far longer than socially necessary. Cas pulled Dean as close as he could get and Dean scrunched his hands in Castiels jacket. Cas breathed in Deans scent one last time before finally letting go. He tapped Dean on the shoulder and turned to his own car before he could say or do something that might ruin all their progress. Cas drove back to the Trans but decided to change and sleep in his car instead of disturbing them. The thunder claps roaring overhead didn't even bother him, the smell of Dean still fresh in his mind as he drifted to sleep.Dean stripped off his wet clothes after sneaking inside to his bedroom. He put on some warm sweats and played Pearl Jam on low, falling asleep to the sweet sound of the rain and thinking about how he had forgotten how blue Castiels eyes were.
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Cas slept half of Sunday away in his car, and got ambushed by the Trans as soon as he walked in the door."So? How'd it go?" Kevin asked as Cas sat down with Mrs. Tran and a cup of coffee."Better than expected. It felt just like old times. We had a couple drinks, talked, I mean it was a little awkward at first but after a while, I don't know. It was just... easy, like we hadn't spent the last two years not talking.""Seems a little too easy to me." "Kevin-""No, Kevin's right." Mrs. Tran interrupted."What do you mean?""A lot happened, Castiel, between you and Dean before you left. You two have a truck load of unresolved issues and one night of catching up is not going to fix that. Eventually, you are going to have to hash everything out.""And if we don't?""Then it will fester, and it will blow up in both your faces and there will be no coming back from it.""But if I bring it up there might not be any coming back from that either. You don't know Dean like I do, if I confront him with emotional vulnerability, he'll get defensive, he'll run.""Then you have to figure out a way to confront him without scaring him away.""How?""I don't know, but if anyone does, it's you."Cas sighed and scratched his head, showering and deciding to spend the afternoon at the mall, he needed time alone to think and he had to get Kevin and Mrs. Tran a Christmas present each. Shopping on Christmas eve not the worst idea Cas ever had, but it was pretty up there. The place was packed to the rafters, parents rushing and fighting, people scrapping in the isles for the last of the toys they wanted. Cas wandered around for hours, and ended up finding a jade brooch that he got for Mrs. Tran, he had seen her wear such pieces of jewellery before, mostly things passed down through the family, and he thought it would add nicely to her collection. He got Kevin a mug especially designed for cooking and eating ramen, because college student.Cas was walking passed a bookstore when a particular title made him stop in his tracks. He walked into the store and stood in front of the stand, gently reaching out and thumbing the title reverantly. His mind drifted back to the memory of when he was fourteen. He was walking through the school halls when someone in the crowd bumped him, being typical Cas he tripped over and dropped his bag, all his things spilling onto the floor. Cas was just lifting himself to his knees when someone crouched to the floor in front of him."Need a hand?"Dean asked while he picked up Castiels things and put them back in his bag."Yes, thank you."Dean picked up a thick novel that had skitted out of Castiels reach."Lord Of The Rings huh? Awesome story, you read The Hobbit?""Um, no, I haven't been able to get a copy yet.""It's awesome! I have a copy my mom got me the last time she visited, you can borrow mine."By now Castiels things were safely packed away and they were both standing again, smiling at each other shyly."Really? Thank you Dean.""No problem, I'll catch you later."Dean ran off down the hall and Cas continued to his locker. That afternoon when Cas got home, The Hobbit was sitting on his front doorstep. Cas read the first half that night and took it to school the next day to keep reading. Unfortunately, some bully whose name Cas couldn't remember decided to single Cas out that day. He laughed at the book, calling Cas a nerd in a sing-song jest and threw the book into a puddle. By the time they left Cas alone to gather himself and his things, the book was totally ruined. Cas knocked on Deans door that evening and showed him, explaining what happened."I'm so sorry Dean.""It's okay, it wasn't your fault.""Do you want it back? You might be able to save it.""Nah, the pages are all messed up, and the ink's run. Just throw it out.""I can replace it for you.""Don't worry, it's just a stupid book. I've read it a hundred times anyway."Cas had respected his wishes and never replaced it, but he could see how devastated Dean had been. For all his nonchalance, he had clearly loved that book, whether it was for the story or because of the sentiment of it being one of the few things he got from his mother, Cas didn't know, it didn't really matter. Dean was heartbroken at the loss either way. Now Cas stood in the bookstore, at Christmas, in front of The Hobbit. He made a snap decision and bought it, having it gift wrapped in the shop. Cas picked up takeaways for the three of them and made one quick stop before going back to the Tran household and setting their presents under the tree. They ate dinner and fell asleep that night with an excitement that Christmas always brings, the comfort of family and the promise of joy on the horizon.Dean spent Sunday lost inside his own head. When he woke up and showered, everything that had happened, everything that had been said the night before came rushing back and it knocked Dean off kilter. He had spent the last two years beating himself up because he thought he had gotten Castiel disowned, that Cas had hated him for not only that, but destroying their friendship by kissing him. He thought Cas had been disgusted and rejected him, because Dean was a fuck up and a mess and was never going to be good enough anyway. Dean had thought Cas left that note out of pity, or maybe obligation. He never thought that it was genuine, that Cas had never harboured any resentment at all and was actually waiting for Dean to call him. But he had. Cas had come out on his own, decided he would rather be disowned than live in the closet. He said Dean had freed him. And Dean was still wrapping his head around the fact that Cas was gay, fully fledged, sparkles and spandex gay. Dean always thought his feelings for Cas might be mutual, the way Cas looked at him sometimes was what tipped Dean off. Then at the prom, when they danced together, Deans heart had been pounding out of his chest, he had felt high with how happy he was dancing with Cas, and the best part had been that Cas didn't pull away or try to be silly like a straight guy would, he had held on to Dean and enjoyed the intimacy in silence. That was what made Dean certain Cas had feelings for him too. So when he thought they were alone, he made his move. Dean gave in because he had been having the time of his life with Castiel, who had looked knee tremblingly stunning all night, and Dean just couldn't resist anymore. And Cas had tasted amazing, his lips were nothing like Lisa's or any other girls, they felt perfect. And then Cas was pushing him away, and Dean felt that sting, that stab in the heart of rejection. Dean felt like an idiot. He had spent so much time sulking and feeling sorry for himself, he never bothered just manning up and getting the truth from Cas himself. He could have saved himself so much internal torment if he had just picked up the damn phone. And now Cas was back in his life, he was happier and healthier than ever, and it showed. The small glow that always followed Cas around like a personal source of sunshine for Dean had grown even brighter, Cas was confident and comfortable in himself in a way he never had been before, and it showed in everything, the way he carried himself, the way he smiled and laughed and spoke was stronger and more assured than before. The glow had gone from barely noticeable to a shining beacon, and it warmed Dean from the inside out. Seeing Cas so happy made him overjoyed. At the same time, it put into stark contrast how much Dean had not changed at all, and if he wasn't good enough for Cas before, that chasm had only grown wider. Dean was a good for nothing grease monkey who still lived at home and got beat on by his dead-beat drunk of a father. He was still paradoxically saddled with the care of his little brother and couldn't live without him, Sam being the only thing that gave his pathetic life any purpose. To top it all off Dean had gotten back together with a woman who had proven herself a toxic excuse for a partner. He had spent the first month after Castiels departure sulking and hating himself. After that he searched desperately for a distraction, any distraction. He tried drugs, he tried drinking, he tried fucking every girl that would let him in their bed. He briefly considered fucking a guy, then decided against it. Any guy he found was never going to measure up to Castiel and he wasn't going to be that cruel to himself to try. The Christmas after Cas left, Deans mom showed up on their doorstep. She had acted like nothing happened, as she always did. She acted like it was still her home and she was still welcome, waltzing right on in and making herself comfortable. She told stories of the jobs she had been doing since she last saw them, nobody could remember how long that had been. She ignored the bruises on Deans face and the empty liquor bottles everywhere, and tried not to act surprised to hear that he had graduated. Dean knew she hadn't even known. When Dean gave her an ice cold shoulder she tried to buy Sam's affections with two tickets to a baseball game. Sam rolled his eyes and left the room to get himself some more of the fried chicken they had ordered by way of Christmas dinner. When Mary looked confused, Dean laughed at her."Sam's never liked baseball. Dumbass.""Don't you speak to me that way Dean! I am still your mother!""No you're not! You're the woman who gave birth to us, destroyed dad and fucked off to god knows where! You're the furthest thing from a mother! You're a gene donor. Some stranger who comes by sometimes pretending to know a single damn thing about us. Why don't you do us all a favour and never come back!"Dean was on his feet and shouting by then, his dad stood from his chair, already plastered and about to pass out."John, are you going to let him speak to me that way?!""Boy's an adult. He can say what he fucking wants. Don't like it? Leave."John carried his half empty beer to bed and Mary huffed and grabbed her things, she was out the door before Sam came back from the kitchen. No-one had heard from her since. It wasn't unusual, Mary had always been dedicated to her work as an FBI agent, she specialised in hunting serial killers and it took her all over the country. When Dean was a toddler, his dad had discovered Mary had been having affairs with her co-workers. They seperated, leaving John to raise Dean alone. On one of her visits a few years later, she and John had slept together on the one off and she got pregnant with Sam. She had to take him with her as a baby but as soon as he was old enough, she came back and dumped him on John as well and taken off again. That was when John had started the drinking, the stress of two kids on his plate coupled with his wife breaking his heart over and over again, he couldn't handle it.Dean used to tell himself that she had a very important job, she was hunting monsters and saving people. But as he got older, as her visits went from him being excited and hopeful that maybe this time she'll stay, to being bitter and resentful because he was tired of being disappointed, he figured it out. She didn't choose her job over them because she was helping people, she chose it because she was addicted to the rush, the adrenaline that came with the chase. She didn't love her family, she loved the idea of a family. The quiet domestic life was never going to compete with the lifestyle her career provided. Eventually, Dean had even managed to convince himself to forgive her, it wasn't really her fault that she was the way she was, he just wished she would stop coming back at all. He would rather be able to forget about her all together than be reminded every time she came that she would rather ignore the fact that John was an alcoholic who abused them because of her, than do something about it and god forbid get custody and be chained down by her own children. That Christmas was the first time Dean had ever given her a real piece of his mind, and it felt gratifying to give her a big middle finger. Her visit had messed with his head though. He was already still messed up from losing Cas and pushing himself even deeper in the closet thanks to his dad. A visit from Mary pushed him over the edge. That night after Mary had left and his dad was passed out cold, Dean swiped a bottle of Johns whiskey and took off to the nearest party. He had gotten completely hammered and woke up naked next to Lisa. She gave him a sob story about how Zach had dumped her when he left for college. Dean didn't care. He didn't give a single solid damn about Lisa, and that was why, when she asked to get back together, he said yes. Because maybe that kind of misery was the only thing he deserved, maybe that was his lot in life so he may as well spend it with someone he wasn't going to feel guilty wasting it with. That was how he had spent the last two years, hating himself, hating his parents, his girlfriend, hating everything except Sammy and his job. His job at least was something he was good at, something he knew and enjoyed that gave some mental reprieve. But now Cas was back. At least, they were talking again. And he had been wrong the entire time. Then again, just because Cas is gay didn't mean the feelings Dean thought the other boy had for him were definitely real. Cas could still be gay and only see Dean as a friend. He still could have been rejected. But now, Dean could see that for Cas, at the very least, it didn't bother him. If the kiss had tipped Cas off to Deans feelings, he had shown he was willing to ignore it. Maybe he thought Dean was over it by now? Maybe he thought that what Dean did was a stupid drunken mishap and he never clued on to Deans feelings at all. Either way, Dean didn't care. He had Cas back. He had his friend, his best friend, the only person besides Sam that ever really mattered to him. They might have some shit to sort out, but Dean hoped they would never have to bring it up. He couldn't handle it if Cas saw how pathetic he was, still harbouring feelings for someone so laughably too good for him. He couldn't handle that humiliation, that rejection, again. There would be no coming back from that. So Dean would do his best to take it slow, keep their friendship platonic as best he could to keep Cas comfortable.Dean woke up Christmas morning and for the first time in a long time, didn't struggle to get out of bed. He banged on Sam's door to wake him up and took the stairs down two at a time. They hadn't bothered doing anything Christmas-y like decorations or a tree since they were still tiny, but Dean still made some effort for Sam and cooked up a big breakfast every Christmas morning as their own little tradition. He whipped up pancakes, waffles, bacon, egg, sausage, hashbrowns, croissants, bagels, and all the sides and toppings that could possibly accompany it all. That breakfast always had them bursting full until past lunch and they would eat what was left for dinner. When they were finished eating they exchanged gifts, Sam got Dean a little replica of the Impala on a key ring, Dean got Sam a telescope he could use from his bedroom window. They cleaned up the kitchen together and Dean had Sam take out the trash. Sam came back inside carrying a small rectangular present."Hey Dean, this was on the doorstep.""What? Who's is for?""You."Dean frowned, dropping the soapy dishes into the sink and crossing to Sam. Dean examined the package and the note attached.'Dean, I know I'm a little late, but I think this is yours. -Cas'Dean raised his eyebrows and ripped open the wrapping paper, he was confused for a moment when he looked over the book, then suddenly the same memory that Castiel had experienced in the bookstore came flooding back. Dean smiled and flicked over the brand new book, he really did love that story. "Did Cas borrow it from your or something? I don't remember you having The Hobbit.""Something like that. Hey um, we're all finished up here, go do whatever you want.""Yeah sure, see you later."Sam went off to his room and Dean to his, setting himself up on his bed with some quiet music to start on his book. Before he got into it though, he sent a text to Cas.--got your present. thanks man I can't believe you remembered that.--of course, I love that story and its all your fault.--your welcome. merry christmas cas.--merry christmas dean.Dean spent the rest of the day and night with Bilbo and waffles. He would apologise to no-one.
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"Charlie, Ch-charlie I can't breathe."Charlie had gotten back from Christmas break a day after Cas, and the first thing Cas had blurted out was that he met with Dean and they were friends again. He couldn't help it, he needed to tell someone. He was grateful for the Trans council of caution, but he needed someone to be happy for him too, someone to share the bubbling joy that threatened to erupt from his chest, and he knew exactly who that person was. He was paying for that now by being crushed to death in Charlie's rock solid hug. "Cas I'm so proud of you! You finally talked to Dean!""It was more a chance encounter really.""Yeah yeah, but, you still put yourself out there. And you guys made up!""I wouldn't say we 'made up'. We just, cleared up a thing or two. We're on speaking terms.""Whatever technical jargon you want to throw at it doesn't matter, you're gonna stop being miserable now right?""Yes, I think so. I wouldn't say that my happiness was ever dependant on Dean, but it certainly makes a big difference that he's back in my life.""Well, this requires celebration!""Did someone say celebration?!"Gabriel chose that moment to swagger into the room dramatically, his arms laden with bags. "Gabriel! Guess what. Cas and Dean made up!""Well I'll be damned. This my friends requires liquor and sweets, coincidentally the two items that make up one hundred percent of my Christmas gifts.""Your family got you booze and candy for Christmas?" Cas asked."I know, they're the best right?!"Gabe grinned and Cas laughed, Charlie clapped her hands with glee and helped Gabe search his things, finding shot glasses for them all. Gabe held out a turquoise coloured bottle of vodka."Gabe, not to worry you or anything, but I've never seen that before.""That's because I've just discovered it amigo. God I love the internet. A normal bottle of vodka, with gummy bears dropped in the bottom and left to dissolve.""That sounds disgusting.""Oh it is, but it looks awesome and it gets you fucked up, that's what counts.""Alright, why not."They all picked up their shots and clinked them together."Merry fucking Christmas." Gabe said."Merry fucking Christmas!" Cas and Charlie repeated before downing their shots. They all winced as the foul stuff burned its way down their throats. "Alright, Megs gonna be here in half an hour, I say we order pizzas, set up more of these and some chasers, make a night of it huh? We can all recount our Christmas tales." Gabe suggested."Deal, I'm gonna unpack and shower while you guys do that, I'll be back in fifteen." Charlie ran off to her own dorm and left the boys to set up. Cas pulled Gabe's multicoloured bottles from his bag while Gabe put his stuff away."So, Dean-o huh?""Yeah, we're talking now. It's pretty great.""Pretty great? Castiel this is the guy you've been pining for since day one. Somehow I don't think pretty great covers it.""Yeah, I think you're right. I've got high hopes this time.""Did you guys bang?""What?! No!""Really? Why not?""Because he's straight!""Are you sure about that? Wasn't he the one that kissed you after prom?""Yes, but he was drunk, it was just a stupid thing.""Castiel, I am straight, and I am telling you right now, even at my most, hospital worthy, fear for my life hammered, I have never felt the need to make out with a guy. Have you ever felt the need to kiss a chick?""Well, no...""Exactly. At the very least, Dean is probably a teeny tiny bit bi. So never say never my friend, you might get into those pants yet.""I'm not interested in getting into his pants, I just want to be in his life, even if that means being friends.""That's a nice sentiment Cas, all I'm going to say is drink up, and good luck."The boys had another shot and Cas called the pizza. Two hours later all four of them were rip roaringly drunk and telling stories of their holidays. "So then my aunt and uncle show up." Charlie recounted."Oh god, Bart and Hael?" Cas asked."That's the one. Anyway, bit of back story, Hael is my moms sister, Bartholomew is her husband, always hits on me, total fucking creep. So they show up for Christmas dinner, couple hours in and they're a little unsteady on their feet if you know what I mean, aunt Hael spent several minutes at the dinner table telling me that it's just a faze, once I leave college I'll have gotten it out of my system and then I'll meet the right man and settle down.""Oh Jesus, I just vomited in my mouth a little." Meg interjected."Exactly. My mom and dad quickly changed the subject and plied her with more wine to shut her up. After dinner, my uncle Bart creeps up to me and says I'll have no trouble finding the right man, I just have to make myself more available, more feminine. Once I do stop rebelling for the attention, god will forgive me.""Holy shit Bradbury what'd you do?" Meg asked."I very politely excused myself, went to my bedroom, pulled out my laptop and hacked into my uncles phone.""Oh! Okay, juicy, keep going." Gabe shifted himself closer in excitement."And what I found, well. Texts, and sexts, and naked pics, from my aunt Hael's secretary.""Ooooo." They all said in unison."Her male secretary.""OOOOOOOH!" They said together again."So, I took a page out of Deans book. I sent everything on there to my aunts email anonymously, sat back and watched the drama.""Oh my god. You are brilliant and evil and I think I'm in love." Meg said."Me too." Gabe agreed."Me three." Cas smiled."Yeah we all know who you're in love with rainbow guy." Meg snarked."How did you know about that already?""Gabe text me before I got here.""Well we're not talking about that, so tell us what happened on your break Meg." Cas deflected."My dad got drunk, my brother got high and I stayed in the trailer just long enough to let them know I was still alive before going to a three day long rock music festival with my sister. How pretty is Dean?"Castiel sighed exasperated."He and his brother might be coming to visit at some point, you'll see for yourself.""Hey Cas, what about Kevin's mom? Is she okay?" Charlie asked."By the time we left she was used to her crutches and assured us she could get around just fine. Her neighbour offered to help with anything she needed so I'm not worried.""Good, tell her if she needs any silver service, just give me a ring and I'll arrange everything.""Will do. So are your aunt and uncle getting a divorce?""God yes, and my parents have told them they're not welcome back either for the way they always treat me.""Did they have kids?""Two grown ones, they're fine, they're actually relieved because they knew what was going on and they hated how hypocritical their parents were.""Bottoms up!" Gabriel called and they all took another shot."Gabe, your turn." Cas said."Well, my older brother Michael has got a new girlfriend. Brought her to dinner. Total bitch. Perfect for Michael, not a single funny bone in her body.""What makes you say that?""She didn't get any of my jokes! And she hates spicy food. And candy. She drinks like a fucking fish but goes on a rant about the calories in M&M's like, bitch are you serious? And she did this weird thing where she didn't put any sauce on her food. Like, at all. No bechemel, no gravy, no salad dressing, just plain, boring food. And all she talked about was her job, going to medical school or something. God I hated her.""Funny, my sister used to do all that." Cas remarked."Oh yeah? Is your sister a red head called Anna?" Gabe laughed. Cas froze."Yes.""What?""My sister is a red head named Anna.""You got a picture?""Yeah, hang on."Cas rumaged through a desk drawer and pulled out an old, tattered photo of the Novak family. They all smiled at the camera in their nice dress clothes, arms around each other. To anyone else they would have looked perfectly happy, a wonderful family that loved each other. What a joke. Cas handed the photo to Gabe."Holy crap.""It's her, isn't it?""Oh ho boy! So your sister is dating my brother. Hey! Maybe that means one day we'll be legal family." Gabe grinned at Cas."Who needs legal? You guys are my family." Cas said."Aww!" Charlie half moved half fell forward and wrapped her arms around Cas. "I love you guys!" She slurred. The others all laughed."We love you too Charlie." Cas hugged her back and not long after, they called it a night, the girls retiring to their own rooms and the boys snoozing quickly in their own familiar beds.Cas and Dean kept their word and stayed in touch, texting one another every now and again. It was difficult for Cas not to talk to Dean every day like he wanted to, but he forced himself away from the temptation. Still, every time his phone buzzed, his chest clenched in anticipation that it might be Dean.Three months after Christmas, the weather was heating up once more and Cas was lounging on his bed reading through a text book in nothing but his sweatpants, unless he had to account for the cold it was his go-to state these days. Gabe was at a lecture and due back any minute when there was a knock at the door. Cas huffed and snapped his book closed, Gabe had a bad habit of forgetting his keys. Cas got up and opened the door, a smart ass comment already on waiting on his tongue when the door swung open and Dean was revealed standing before him. Cas stood frozen, momentarily forgetting how to speak. "Well I don't know about you but I'm pretty sure the general term is 'hi'." Dean boomed in that voice that sent shivers down Castiels spine."Um... hi, sorry, Hello, Dean, what...? I wasn't expecting you.""Well yeah Cas that's the idea of a surprise."Dean had a huge grin on his face and it was catching Cas way off guard."So... can I come in? Is this a bad time or something?""No! I mean Yes! I mean, um, yes you can come in, it's not a bad time."Cas finally moved out of the way and shut the door behind Dean."Wow, this is ugh, way smaller than I imagined.""And it would be a lot cleaner, I'm sorry, Gabriel is a bit of a slob.""It's fine Cas, I don't care.""Right. So, what are doing here?""Well, Sam's starting spring break tomorrow and going camping with some friends, which means your spring break also starts tomorrow, and, I just happened to remember that your birthday is in three days, so I thought it would be the perfect time to come for that visit I promised.""Crap. I forgot about my birthday.""You forgot your own birthday? Seriously?""God please don't tell Gabe.""Don't tell Gabe what?" Gabriel had in fact taken his keys and was now dumping his things inside the door and side-eyeing Dean. Cas sighed and bit the bullet."My birthday, is on thursday.""And you weren't going to tell me?! Cas I am offended.""Only because I know you'll make me drink until I need a liver transplant and make me have a party.""Well hell yes we are doing both those things! Also! Who the hell is that? Is that another one of your theatre boys?" Gabe wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Dean resisted the urge to clench his fists at the thought that Cas brought a lot of guys home, even though he had told Dean there hadn't really been anyone. He was struggling enough holding his composure with Cas walking around shirtless, his hair ruffled and his sweat pants hanging low on his hips had Dean working up a sweat to hold a casual conversation with the guy. Whatever Dean had expected when Cas opened the door, it was not a sex god. Cas had clearly been working out and Dean just wished he would put a damn shirt on so he might get himself under control. "No, Gabe. This is Dean. Dean, this is Gabriel."Gabe's eyebrows shot to the roof as Dean stood to shake his hand."Dean? Thee Dean?!""You've heard of me?""Not really, but that says a lot on it's own don't you think?""What?""Nothing, don't ever listen to what I say. I'm going to text the girls, and we can start planning this party! Cas, idea juice!"Cas chuckled and raided Gabe's liquor stash until he found a full bottle of tequila. he set up five shot glasses and some lemonade chasers. "So where are you staying?" Cas asked Dean while Gabe was in the bathroom."Honestly I hadn't thought about it, I just grabbed some things and drove. I guess I'll sleep in my car.""Fuck off, you'll sleep in here.""Cas I don't wanna put you out.""You wont be, the couch is a lot more comfortable than it looks and we won't have any classes or studying to do for the next week. I won't take no for an answer.""Okay, if you're sure.""I'm sure, where's your stuff? I'll help you bring it up.""Just my backpack and a box of drink.""Alright hang on."Cas knocked on the bathroom door."Gabe! we're going to get Deans stuff form his car, be right back.""Take your time boys, I'm going to be a while."Cas shook his head and smiled at Dean, grabbing a plain black t-shirt on his way out the door and shucking it on, following Dean to his car. Dean was grateful for the visual reprieve. "God I missed this car. Hey baby." Cas stroked the hood adoringly and it made Deans heart flutter. Cas carried the box of bottles and Dean shouldered his backpack, they made their way back slowly, walking shoulder to shoulder and chatting about the last three months. They were laughing at a joke Dean made about storm troopers when they walked in the room and Dean was smothered in bright red hair and tight arms. "Whoa! Hey there kiddo, hows things?""Better, now that you're here. It's been too long, asshole.""That sentence is all over the place you know that?""I know, but you love me anyway.""Nice to see you haven't changed Bradbury.""Never, now come on, time to get this pre-pre-party started."They spent the afternoon and evening partially planning Castiels birthday, partially Gabe and Meg getting to know Dean, and visa versa. By the end of it everyone crashed in the boys room, Meg in Gabe's bed, Charlie in Castiels, and Dean took the couch. Both boys fell asleep with joy and nerves in equal measures twisting their hearts.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Tuesday brought a nasty hangover for everyone and they all agreed that Gabriel sucked. They all lazed around in their pajamas for the whole day with movies playing on the TV in the background. "So what're our plans for tonight?" Dean asked the group over a late dinner of pizza and beer."There's a party down the block, sorority house."Gabe said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively."Hey asshole I'm still here." Meg snarked."I meant for Dean here darling, I am happily monogamous.""Hey don't worry about me, just do whatever you guys would be doing and I'll tag along.""Alright, party?"Gabe held his beer aloft and smirked as everyone clinked their bottle necks together. A couple of hours later they all rocked up to the sorority house half plastered and ready to dance. The house was packed with drunk students and pumping music so loud the walls vibrated. Dean and Cas wandered through the house until they came across four jocks versing each other in pairs across a table of beer pong. They caught the end of the game when the biggest guy of the duo on the far end landed the ball in their opponents last cup. One of the losing side took the ball out and threw it aside, skulling back the cup of beer. He and his friend gave the winners the middle finger before leaving through the crowd. "Who wants to play the reigning champs?! Who out there has the balls huh?!"The winning jock shouted obnoxiously."Man what a douchebag." Dean said to Cas quietly."You could beat him you know.""You think so?""Yeah, trust me. I've seen him throw a football and you're better at that too."Dean laughed."Alright, but only if you're in there with me.""Deal."Cas smiled and they approached the table."Reigning champs huh? Well, say goodbye to your crown fellas."Dean smirked and the two across the table sneered down at Dean and Cas, nudging each other like they already had the win in the bag."Okay trailer park, let's see what you got."Cas felt Dean tense beside him, and he too felt a flare of anger at the insult. Suddenly what had started as a friendly game they could laugh off if they lost, became something with stakes. Cas wanted to show these guys up. He wanted to humiliate them. He wanted to hurt them. They took their places while the cups were filled and placed on the table. Dean went first, landing his ping pong ball in one of the closest cups on the first go. The jock in front of it snorted and side eyed his buddy."Lucky shot.""Yeah, we'll see about that."The jock took the ball out and drained the cup, tossing them both away and grabbing another ball. The game went back and forth quickly, Cas landed two shots, each time getting a proud high five and loud encouragement from Dean. It only took ten minutes to wittle the cups down, and they had drawn quite a crowd in that time. The jocks had Cas and Dean down to three cups, but it was Deans turn next, and the jocks only had one cup left. Dean missed by a hair. The left jock went next, and landed his shot. Cas took his turn and missed, much to his own shame. The right jock was up, he landed and Dean drank. They had one cup left each, Dean lined it up carefully, the crowd around them held their breath, he took the shot, and it landed with a splash dead centre of the jocks last cup. The right one swigged it back, crushing the empty cup and throwing it away as he angrily pushed through the people and disappeared, his buddy close behind."Dean that was amazing." Cas laughed."Hey you weren't so bad yourself." More people tried to verse Dean and Cas but the pair had had enough, they made their way to the kitchen instead where they found Charlie doing body shots off some guy lying shirtless on the kitchen bench. The guy was ripped, no doubt, but since that wasn't a factor for Charlie Cas guessed Gabe and Meg dared her to do it."Mind if I have a turn?" Cas asked from behind her."Yeah sure! Here, salt on the chest, lemon wedge in the mouth, shot on the bellybutton."Cas didn't even hesitate, once Charlie had it set up he licked the salt from the guys tanned skin, wrapped his lips around the shot and tipped it back, letting it slide right down his throat, then dropped the glass in his hand and leaned over to pry the lemon wedge from the guys puckered lips and suck on the juice. It was just as sensuous as it was intended to be and Cas, in a moment of strange boldness, took the wedge away, licked his lips, locked eyes with Dean and winked. Deans eyes blew wide and he swallowed thickly. "Alright, my turn."Dean did as Charlie and Cas had done, only much slower. Knowing Cas was watching him closely Dean didn't bother doing anything quickly, taking his time licking every granule of salt from the hard body, taking his shot and then purposely, barely, brushing his top lip with the guy as he took the wedge, closing his eyes and moaning around the sour juice and wrapping his lips around it much more suggestively than necessary. By the time he was finished and he looked back to Cas, his friend had a visible sheen of sweat on his forehead. They both cracked up laughing at Deans rediculous show and left the kitchen for the dancefloor.Between Dean and Charlie and Gabriel and Meg putting fresh drinks in his hand every so often Cas lost track of time, he lost track of who he was dancing with, from a brunette girl in a red dress, to a blonde guy in a dinosaur onsie, to about four other people that Cas couldn't recall clearly. He ended up having a dance off with Dean, both of them using the worst, corniest dance moves they could think of until both of them just couldn't stop laughing. Cas text Charlie and Gabe to let them know he and Dean were headed back to the dorms and the two boys left with their eyes still watering from laughter. "You sure you don't want to hang back? There were more than a couple of girls back there who really liked the look of you." Cas asked."Nah, I can't.""Why not?""Confession time? I'm actually back with Lisa. Have been for a while now.""Oh. I see.""Yeah. I know, you can say it, I'm an idiot.""I don't think you're an idiot Dean, you're an adult you can make your own decisions. Just let her know in the friendliest possible way that if she hurts you again I'll kill her myself.""Thanks Cas." Dean had his arm slung around Cas' neck for balance as they walked, and were approaching Castiels dorm building doors when the two jocks they had beaten at beer pong stepped in their path from behind a tree."Where do you think you're going?" The bigger one asked."Inside, obviously." Cas snarked back."I don't think so.""God seriously? Over a stupid game? I mean how small are your dicks, really? Just get a pump or something guys because this is one of the most pathetic attempts at masculinity I've ever seen."Deans eyebrows raised at Castiels remarks. The two in front of them could probably kick both their asses, yet Cas didn't seem to give a damn. Cas was showing the kind of backbone that came out on rare ocassions, it was one of the things that Dean really admired about him, that underneath all the kindness and willingness to be gentle, Cas had a courageous heart. Dean watched the two jocks frown in confusion at Castiels words. He wasn't sure if it was because they didn't understand what he was saying or that he was standing up to them at all. Either way Dean felt so much pride for Cas in that moment he thought his heart might burst. Dean saw it coming, but didn't have time to react, or maybe he did, but his intoxicated reflexes were too slow. A moment later though Cas was on the ground,
a quick right hook decking him right off the bat. The attacker bent over Cas and held him by the scruff of his shirt, landing another solid blow. Dean couldn't help as he was tackled by the second guy and the two wrestled on the ground a few feet away. As the first jock pulled his fist back for a third shot, Cas grabbed his shirt and jerked him down so their heads collided.
Cas had the advantage of expectation and angled his head to impact in a spot that wouldn't leave him too disorientated. The jock however shouted in pain and rolled off of Cas. Cas quickly took the advantage and reversed their positions, leaning over the guy and landing one solid whack to his nose, hearing the bone snap and seeing the blood pour over the guys mouth. He shouted again and the sound distracted his friend who was on his knees with Dean twisting his arm back at an unnatural angle. "Okay we're sorry! Jesus we're sorry just let us go!"Dean locked eyes with Cas, Cas nodded and Dean huffed before letting the guys arm go. The jock held his aching arm like a cradle and used his good one to help his friend off the ground, the two running away, probably to a hospital. "Well they didn't last long." Cas commented."No, but you did. Didn't know you had that much fight in you Cas.""Are you okay?" Cas eyed the bruise now forming on Deans cheek."I'll be fine, I've had a lot worse. You on the other hand.""I'll be fine.""Cas you've got a black eye, a split lip and probably a concussion. You need a hospital.""I'll be fine, I'm not wasting money on a doctor for a couple of bruises, I just need sleep.""Aren't you supposed to stay awake after a concussion?""No that's a myth. That's only in extreme cases where there's real risk of falling into a coma. Otherwise staying awake is the worst thing you can do, and I don't think I'm going to go into a coma from a headbutt.""Alright doctor Novak, let's get you to bed then." Cas huffed a laugh and the two took the stairs inside slowly. Once they got back to the room Dean made Cas drink a tall glass of water and took one himself before they both passed out in their clothes, Dean once again taking the couch.The next day Cas woke up with a jackhammer boring into his skull and gritted his teeth as the light flooded his pupils. He was in more pain than any hangover had ever given him and it took a minute to remember the fight and the headbutt. Cas gripped his hair tightly and threw the blanket over his head so he could groan from the agony and not wake the others. Moments later someone was tapping gently on the outside of the blanket. Cas peered carefully over the covers edge and saw Dean kneeling beside the bed, holding out some aspirin and a glass of water. "Morning sunshine, thought you might need these."Cas groaned a reply and took the pills, swallowing all of them at once with the water. He threw the blanket back over his head and prayed for death while he waited for the pain killers to work. At some point he must have drifted to sleep because he woke up in the early evening, just Dean in the room with him. Cas didn't get out of bed, just lay there half lidded and dopey."Well well well, sleeping beauty rises from the dead. How's your head?""Mm, still sore, but not as bad. What's the time?""It's 7:34. You hungry?""Yes. You have food?""I got burgers earlier, grabbed you a couple too.""Thank you."Dean got off the couch and sat next to Cas on the edge of the bed, giving him a paper bag with two burgers, another couple of aspirin and another glass of water."You don't have to take care of me Dean, I'll be okay.""Yeah I know, but that was a nasty knock you took last night, you've been asleep all day.""I'm sorry. You came here to have a good time, I'm being a bad host.""Shut up, it wasn't your fault those assholes jumped us. Besides, I came here to spend time with you, and even if you are technically unconscious it still counts."Cas laughed, the sight if it making Dean laugh too."We just wasted a whole day. What did you do anyway?""Played card games with Charlie, taught Gabe how to hotwire an engine, Meg beat me in a staring contest. You know, normal day."Cas smiled, it warmed his heart that Dean got along with his other friends. "What about tonight?""I already told everyone what happened last night and they all agreed its best you sit tonight out, get as much rest as you need.""They're probably right. I could use a break. Where are they?""Bowling and clubbing. They're all staying in the girls room tonight to give you some peace.""Why didn't you go with them?""I'm not leaving you here alone Cas what kind of asshole do you think I am?""I don't, I think you're a very overprotective friend Dean Winchester, thank you.""Not a problem. So what do you want to do?""I'm thinking, milkshake marathon.""Done and done. I'll be right back."Dean grabbed his keys and wallet and took off out the door. Cas snuggled back into the blankets and remembered when he and Dean were ten years old, Castiel had just gotten the Indiana Jones trilogy on video for his birthday. He was so excited that the night after, when he saw Dean in his room, Cas flashed his light on and off until Dean noticed and they leaned out their windows. "Hey Cas what's up?""Guess what, I got all the Indiana Jones movies for my birthday!""Oh man that's so cool! I've only seen the first two.""Do you wanna come over and watch them tomorrow?""Seriously?""Yeah man, it's my turn for the TV tomorrow so we can watch all of them.""Awesome! I'll come over after lunch okay?""Okay, night Dean.""Night Cas."The next day Dean came over, but Cas was in tears. "Hey dude what's wrong?""Stupid Anna took the TV, it's my turn for it but mom and dad aren't here and she just laughed at me.""Aw, that's okay. It's no big deal.""Yeah it is, I promised."Dean stood there for a minute and wracked his brain for a solution."Hey Cas, is your sister using the VCR?""No, she's watching some dumb soap opera.""Okay, well I have an old TV in my garage, it still works it's just really small, so if we take the VCR to my place, we can watch it in there.""What about the TV inside the house?""That's not a good idea, my dad's home.""Oh, okay. I'll go get the VCR then."Cas came back a few minutes later with his arms full of a big black box and long cables. The boys set the movies up and Dean grabbed them a pile of blankets and pillows, they spent the next few minutes making a warm and cozy fort in front of the tiny television. "Sorry, we don't have any soda left, all we have is chocolate milk." Dean brought down a bottle of chocolate milk with two glasses and two straws, setting them down in front of their fortress."That's okay, if you blow bubbles through the straw it kind of makes it like a milkshake, see."Cas poured his drink then blew through the straw until the top bubbled and foamed. Dean giggled and tried the same thing. They settled in and started Raiders, falling asleep in a sprawl before Crusade finished. Cas was woken up and dragged away by his sister when it was time for bed, he thanked Dean quickly for the fun afternoon and ran off home.By the time Castiels painkillers were kicking in and he was feeling like he might not die after all, Dean got back with a cherry pie and two huge chocolate milkshakes. Cas smiled and they moved to the couch, taking the blanket with them and sharing it once Cas had selected Raiders off his harddrive and they settled in. They fell asleep before Crystal Skull ended, heads dropped back on the top of the couch and both snoring lightly.Thursday morning Cas was woken by the smell of fresh warm waffles. He shifted on the couch, slowly stretching his stiff neck. When he looked around he found a bag where the smell was coming from set down on his work desk. The sound of the shower running eventually clicked in his brain and he realised Dean or Gabriel must have picked up breakfast. Cas got up and wandered over to the food, inhaling deeply at the scent of berries and cream, his mouth started watering and he considered starting on his own, then a voice came from the bathroom, just barely audible over the noise of the water. Cas recognised that sound straight away from all his rides in the Impala. Dean was singing Whipping Post, belting it out in that husky voice Cas loved to listen to. Cas just stood there smiling, listening to the song until Dean stopped singing and the water was turned off. A couple minutes later Dean came out with a fresh smile on his face, he had a dark grey t-shirt and his usual jeans on, he had a towel over his hair and was rubbing it dry, the action showing off his biceps and making his shirt ride up just a little, just enough to see a thin line of skin that made Cas squirm slightly."Morning, how's your head?""It feels fine now, thank you.""Good! Cause we've got crap to do today. Shower up you smell like a locker room.""Thanks, I feel like one."Dean laughed as Cas walked by him to the bathroom to take his own shower. He scrubbed down quickly, wanting to get back to those waffles. Ten minutes later Cas and Dean were sitting facing each other on Castiels bed, in the middle of their meal when Dean reached into his backpack and pulled out a tiny package in wrapping paper."Happy birthday Cas.""Dean, you didn't have to.""Shut up and open it."Cas smiled and tore at the wrapping paper, finding a keyring inside with a small chain, on the other end of the chain was a picture encased in hard, clear plastic. The picture was a photo of Charlie and Kevin taking a selfie and pulling a silly face at prom. Cas turned it over and the other side was a picture of him and Dean, also taking a selfie on prom night. Apparently they had snapped it in the middle of a joke because Dean was looking down with a magnificent smile spread wide across his face, and Cas had an equally huge grin, pressing his forehead against Deans temple like they were supporting each other as they laughed. They looked so happy it made Castiels chest fill to bursting and he fought the water threatening to well in his eyes."Dean... I don't know what to say. I love it.""It's nothing Cas, really.""It's not nothing to me. Thank you."Dean blushed and looked back down at his food."So where are we going today?" Cas asked."That, amigo, is a surprise."Gabriel announced as he came crashing dramatically into the room, Charlie and Meg close behind."Okay, should I take anything?""Nope, got it all figured out. Grab your essentials and we'll hit the road."Dean and Cas quickly shoved down their last mouthfuls of food, grabbed their things and locked the room on their way out. They put everything in the trunk of the Impala, which to Castiels surprise was already mostly full with various items he didn't have time to get a good look at. Cas rode shotgun, the other three in the back. They drove for about an hour, the second half of which was back roads through a wide spread thicket of green woods. Finally Dean found a dirt turnoff and pulled into it, rumbling slowly along under a canopy of greenery into the middle of nowhere. When the way finally came to an end, Dean parked the car in a small clearing and turned the ignition off. "Where are we?" Cas asked."This is where we're spending your birthday." Dean answered.He grinned wickedly and got out, popping the trunk and handing out gear to everyone so nobody was left not carrying. Cas followed them along a two foot wide winding pathway through the trees, they walked in single file with Cas in the rear. So it wasn't until the others had all moved out of the way that Cas saw their destination at last. The pathway ended where the trees broke into a large grassy clearing, and on the far edge of the grass stretched an enourmous lake. The water was clean and fresh, and sparkled smooth and cool in the sunshine. "Guys... it's beautiful." Cas gaped."Don't look at us, it was all Dean-o's idea." Gabe said."Thank you Dean, it's wonderful.""Don't thank me yet, we gotta get our tents up first."Cas smiled and Deans heart melted a little at the sight, truth was he had been a little nervous the whole ride over that Cas wouldn't like his surprise as much as Dean had thought he would. His nerves were settled now that he watched how mesmerised Cas was by the scenery. Cas deserved the world, and if this tiny piece of it for one night was all Dean was able to give, it made him happy that Cas liked it so much. Hours later they were cooking smores over a small fire and drinking chocolatey cocktails Charlie made. They played drinking games until they were rolling on the ground with laughter, then decided to take a swim. Everyone stripped to their bathing suits and ran into the water, Cas was pleased to find it was still warm from the day and floated around lazily. It didn't take long for the effort and the alcohol to make everyone tired and yawning. It was closer to dawn than it was to midnight so Charlie, Meg and Gabe called it a night and went to their tents. Cas stayed a little longer in the water with Dean, both of them standing on their tiptoes at neck height."Thank you Dean.""For what?""Everything. Showing up, staying with me for break, making an effort with the others, my gift, this trip. I've loved every part of it.""It's been awesome Cas, really. Besides I can't imagine getting punched in the face was that great, and it was kind of my fault.""That was in no way your fault, and seeing those dicks put in their place was worth it."Cas grinned, then froze as Dean reached a hand up and ran a gentle thumb over the tiny cut on Castiels lip. The cut didn't really sting anymore, and if it did Cas couldn't feel it, he couldn't feel anything but Deans thumb and the pressure of his heart beating so hard he thought his ribs would crack. Then, quickly as it happened, Deans hand was gone and Cas felt like a hole was punched right through him."We should probably go get some sleep, dry off before we freeze to death."Dean turned away and trudged through the water back to shore. He didn't turn around once and Cas watched the water run down his toned back the entire way, wondering how the hell he was supposed to get over his stupid crush when Dean did stuff like that. Cas sighed and lay back, floating on top of the water and staring at the stars. Truth be told he had never felt such peace in his life. Dean was his friend again, he had a group of people who loved him, and he was relaxing in the most beautiful place he had ever been. For that night at least, life was good.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The day after the lake, Dean drove everyone back to KSU before telling Cas it was time for him to go. He had to pick Sam up from his camping trip the next day and then go back to work. "Thank you again, for everything. This has been the best birthday I've ever had.""Any time Cas."Cas drew Dean in for a hug, they stood there just a little longer than necessary as they always did, then Cas watched Dean get in his beautiful car and drive away. He walked back to his room where Gabe was relaxing on his bed, watching YouTube on his laptop."You okay buddy?""Yes, actually. I'm sad he had to go, but I'm very happy he was here.""That's a healthy outlook. I can see why you like him so much.""You do?" Cas asked disbelievingly. "Well yeah. I mean, the whole super model thing aside, the guy spent every minute he was here making sure you had a good time. He didn't even have to ask what you wanted to do, he just knew. It was like, knowing you, came naturally to him, making you happy made him happy, that much was clear. He really, truely cares about you Cas. People can go their entire lives never finding someone like that, as a friend, even as a spouse. You're a lucky guy.""I never really looked at it that way.""Trust me, I'm wiser than my stunning good looks suggest."Gabe smirked and put his headphones on. Cas huffed a laugh and picked up a text book. He lay back against his headboard and started reading, wondering when he might get to see Dean again. Despite his crush still being alive and well, he thought about Dean admitting he was still dating Lisa. On the one hand, the news was devastating, not only because it meant Dean was definitely, undeniably off the table for him, but because Cas knew Lisa wasn't good enough for Dean. But he meant what he said, Dean was an adult and Cas would respect that. On the other hand, Deans visit had brought a small measure of closure. They were closer than they had ever been, their friendship was not in any danger, and if Dean was moving forward with Lisa, maybe it was finally time Cas moved on too. Maybe finally knowing where he and Dean stood could help him find someone he could have a romantic relationship with.Four weeks later Cas went on a date. His name was Samandriel, he was very nice, had a good sense of humour, he was so happy and bubbly it reminded Cas of a puppy he wanted to cuddle and protect from the world. They had a dinner date and went to a carnival, and at the end of the night Cas dropped him to his apartment and kissed him in the car. He was cute, and Cas asked him for a second date. Samandriel gladly accepted and soon enough it had been several dates and Cas was following Samandriel upstairs to his place.They kissed feverishly on the way to the bedroom, stripping each others clothes one at a time as Cas walked Samandriel backwards, through the door until he bumped the foot of the bed. Cas shed the last of his clothes and watched Samandriel do the same. Cas pushed him back to fall on the bed and crawled over top of him, he ran his lips and tongue over Samandriels neck, down his chest and abdomen, licking the tip of his cock before wrapping his mouth around it fully and taking all of it down. Samandriel gasped and moaned under Cas' assertiveness, Cas stroked himself to the noises until they were both close, then Cas came off Samandriels cock with a wet pop and moved back up to the guys mouth, probing his tongue as he took both of them in hand and stroked them together. Cas forced himself to keep his eyes open and watch Samandriel as they both came over his stomach, he was determined to be there in the moment with his boyfriend and Cas was afraid if he closed his eyes his mind might wander at the last minute to thoughts of green eyes and a husky voice. They lay next to each other afterwards, panting and sweating, all of it over much too quickly for Cas' liking."Wow Cas, I didn't pick you to be so... Dom.""Is... is that a problem?""Honestly? I don't know.""What do you mean?""I mean, are you always like that? Do you always fuck rough? Do you ever bottom?""I don't know, this is the furthest I've ever gone with anyone.""Bullshit.""It's not.""Okay. So you have no experience to draw from. We can figure it out as we go.""You don't like rough, do you?""Ocassionally, it can be fun for a one night stand sometimes. But otherwise, no. I do like to bottom but I'm a soft and slow kind of guy.""I'm sorry.""Don't be, it was fun. And I like you. We can keep this going until we figure out what you like. If we still don't match up, well, you're still a great guy Cas, there'll be no hard feelings.""You'd do that? Help out a virgin even though it probably won't work?""Well, what can I say? You're really hot."Cas burst out laughing, Samandriel followed suit. "Okay, we'll give it a shot."Cas text Dean the next day and told him about Samandriel. Dean took hours to text back, saying sorry, that he had been working and he was happy for Cas to have found someone. He didn't tell Cas that he had seen his text while at home, immediately gotten drunk and didn't text back until he had sobered up enough that Sam gave his phone back. A couple months passed of Cas and Samandriel sleeping together, while they never did anything penetrative, Cas discovered he definitely preferred being dominant, and had more fun with the rougher, more aggressive sex. He and Samandriel parted ways on friendly terms, with no dislike or Ill will between them. When Cas told Dean, Dean was already drunk, only this time, Sam hadn't been there, and Dean had text Cas back.--suks whn they gt awwy disn t.--Dean? Are you drunk?--genrilly yea--why?--bcsuse lif suckkkkks--Dean are you okay?--no. Mis u.--I think you should get some sleep.--CNT. Nly dreem abot u neway. --go to sleep, I'll talk to you in the morning, night.--nght angel.Cas tried not to think on it too much, but clearly there was more going on with Dean than he was letting on. The next morning Dean text him first.--sorry about that, got really wasted for a friends birthday, don't even know what I was talking about ha.--that's okay, it happens. Have a good weekend Dean.--yeah you too.It was an obvious lie, and it twisted Castiels gut to think that Dean was going through something, and not only didn't feel like he could tell Cas about it, but felt the need to lie about it. And what did Dean mean when he said he dreamed of Cas? He said it like it was a certainty, like it happened a lot. Cas started to feel a familiar pressure in the lowest cavity of his chest, something that threatened to press higher and harder and force him to smile even if he didn't want to. It was a feeling he had almost forgotten about, he had spent so long pushing it away, and had gotten better at ignoring it all together when he had Samandriel to distract him. Now it was back, it was threatening the smile, and the tears and the pain that always followed. Cas thought of Dean and felt hope.He couldn't let it deter him though. Whatever was happening with Dean, he would go home and sort out with him properly when finals were over. Cas spent the next two months with his nose to the grindstone. He passed with flying colours and secured him and Gabriel in the same room for their upcoming and final year at KSU. The week before their last year began, Cas went home. He tried to get hold of Dean, but he always seemed to be working. Cas understood, now that the end of college was looming ahead, he had picked up more shifts for the pizza place instead of going out all the time. He had replenished a huge chunk of his fund and felt proud that once he had a proper, full time job he might be able to invest in an apartment. Between staying with the Trans and spending time with Jo and Kevin, Cas never found a good time when Dean was free. Dean seemed to be avoiding him and Cas was having worrying flashbacks to when he first left and Dean thought he had screwed up and he pushed Cas away. Cas ended up going back to KSU without having seen Dean once, his inbox filled with 'sorry's and 'too busy's. Six months later it was spring break again, their last ever spring break, and it was Castiels twenty third birthday. He hadn't heard anything from Dean for two weeks, when all he got from Dean was a quick 'happy birthday' text, he knew something was terribly wrong. He packed his stuff up on the spot and drove all the way to Deans house. Cas knocked on the door and was met with a disturbing sight when it swung open. Dean was in raggedy sweat pants and a long sleeve shirt, stained and littered with holes. His hair was longer than Cas had ever seen it, he had bags under his eyes and generally looked like hell. He didn't smell much better either, but Cas was at least fairly sure he was sober."Cas? What're you doing here?""I just, wanted to see you. See if you were... okay.""I'm uh, I'm fine. You should've called man I'm just about to go to work.""Work? At the job you got fired from?""What?""Jo is my friend Dean. Her father is your boss. Ex boss. You really think you could hide that?""Yeah well, no big deal.""It is a big deal Dean, why would you not talk to me about it? There's something very wrong going on with you and you won't even answer the damn phone. Talk to me please!"Castiels eyes started welling, he had been pushing his concern for Dean away to focus on his studying, but now that it was right in front of him, he felt truely scared for what path his friend might be taking."You want the truth? Really?""Yes. Please.""Alright. Fine. My mom died.""What?!""My mom died. A couple of weeks after your birthday at the lake. We went to her funeral, afterwards dad drank so much he wrapped the Impala around a tree. He's alive, but he's serving three to five for too many DUI's. The day after he went away, the guy I've had feelings for for years, text me to tell me he found someone else. So I figured, fuck it. Like father like son. And I picked up a bottle, and I haven't put it down. I lost my job, I can't even fix up my damn car. All I do all day is stay away from Sammy so he can go school.""Dean... I had no idea... I'm so sorry.""Yeah. Everybody's sorry. What does sorry get me, huh?""Dean, let me help.""How? How are you gonna help me Cas?""Sam is in his last year of school, I'm in my last year of college, when Sam's finished you can both move in with me.""Can't do that Cas.""Why not?""Because I can't leave.""You can, you can come with me, I'll help you Dean I can-""Lisa's pregnant.""Dean...""You should go. Just leave Cas, stop coming back here. My life is a mess, I'm a mess, and I was never good enough for you. Just do us both a favour and save yourself from all this crap. It might be the one good thing I've ever done.""And what are you going to do? Become your father?""Better than becoming my mother.""Not by much.""I'm not going to raise a kid as a drunk Cas. God knows I'm gonna destroy my liver before the poor little bastard comes into the world but after that, well, I guess I've already raised one kid, I can't be that terrible at it.""Dean you don't even like Lisa.""Doesn't matter. I gotta try.""You haven't even let yourself grieve yet.""Grieve over what? A mother I never knew? A dad who beat the crap out of me?""They're still your parents.""Barely.""Then why drink?""Because I'm cursed! Some people just aren't meant to be happy Cas, it's better for you and Sam to just get the hell away from me as fast as you can.""I don't believe that.""No? I think you know damn well I'm not good news. Why else would you keep me at arms length when you don't actually want to?""What are you talking about?""I know how you feel about me Cas. I know you feel what I feel. I saw the way you looked at that photo I gave you of us, you were probably too drunk to remember, but in the lake, when I touched your lip, you closed your eyes like it was the best feeling in the world. When you opened them again... Cas nobody has ever looked at me like that. That's not how friends look at each other.""Then come with me, Dean. We can talk, really talk like we should have done a long time ago.""It's too late. I have to sort my life out, there's going to be someone depending on me soon and I need to be ready for that. And I can't concentrate on my responsibilities with you hanging around.""Dean please-""Just go Cas. Do us both a favour and don't come back."Dean shut the door in Castiels face. Cas stood on the step for a full minute trying to process what just happened. He walked in shock back to his car and started driving, he kept driving, not even sure where he was going.Eventually he found himself driving down a dusty off-road hidden away in green woods. Cas parked up in the clearing and walked the narrow trail to the lake. The place hadn't changed at all in the last year, the trees were the same, the green grass of the clearing, the still and perfect water reflecting the stars. Cas stared over the water, so peaceful and calm, like it was mocking him. How could this place hold such happy memories?
How dare this place exsist just as it was after everything had turned to shit. Cas had wanted it to be destroyed, he had wanted to find the trees withered and the lake polluted and the grass brown. He wanted to find it trashed and ruined just like he felt, just like his life, and Deans life had become. It was an infuriating reminder that it didn't matter that their lives had crashed down around them, the world kept turning. The world didn't care that they were broken, it didn't matter. The lake stayed beautiful, and Cas hated it for that. He picked up a rock and threw it into the water as hard as he could, just to disturb it, just to see an imperfection in the flawless surface. But the ripples soon stopped, and it was perfect again. Cas threw another rock, and another, sweating and crying and screaming as he hurled them, willing the lake to crack and cave in under all his anger. But it didn't. Cas screamed until he was hoarse and threw until his arm hurt, but the ripples stopped, the lake didn't cave in, and it went back to its mocking perfection. Cas sank to his knees in the grass and let it mock him until the sun rose, then he took off his angel wing necklace and threw it into the water. He drove back to KSU without looking behind him.