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i.
hoseok is at the park kicking around an empty can of beer someone else has left behind. he feels like the moon is staring at him, and it makes him want to tell it to fuck off. ever since leaving the hospital he’s felt unable to stay at home for much time at all. he's spent enough time behind closed doors anyway, and his family only makes things harder for him. "hobi?" a familiar voice calls out. "i thought you were in rehab." hoseok hasn't seen namjoon since before going inpatient, but he hasn't changed much since then, other than having dyed his hair purple "got discharged last week" hoseok explains. "when were you going to tell us?” the other simply shrugs, smiling sheepishly. he could go over a very detailed list of psychologically dense reasons why he hadn’t tried to contact his friends (or anyone else he knows) yet, and why he had no idea when or whether he was ever going to. but he settles for silence for now, and the other knows not to push it. namjoon, never not busy on a friday night, informs him that he is on his way to a house party and asks whether he'd like to join him. hoseok hesitates, but says yes in the end. he'd been looking for an excuse to miss dinner either way. namjoon asks no questions, and pats him in the back as they walk side by side. "good to have you back, man". ii.the party, he finds out, is being hosted by one of jungkook's classmates. jungkook goes to a very high-end private school, him being a 'gifted' child an all that, and hoseok doesn't think he's ever been inside a nicer house. a girl with a sophisticated accent makes them take their shoes off at the door and tells them not to smoke inside, and hoseok scoffs discreetly. the whole gang is there. jungkook, taehyung, jimin, seokjin; they are all thrilled to see hoseok. almost too thrilled, hoseok thinks. he cares for his friends, he loves them, really, but sometimes he can't help but feel like he is more of a pet than a friend to them. an attraction, a freakshow. funny little hoseok. crazy guy, never fucking eats. jungkook starts cheering "ho-seok, ho-seok" and they all follow, hoseok not unusually smiling despite himself. taehyung is, as usual, the only one who makes an attempt at a private conversation. "how was the funny house, hobi?" he asks drunkenly "you look better". hoseok's been hearing those words a lot lately, 'you look better'. he can't help but hear 'you look fat' instead, even though he tries not to. "i am better. so much better" hoseok says, intentionally avoiding the question.
iii.
he is snooping in the kitchen when he meets yoongi. it's something he can't help doing, looking at people's kitchens, seeing how they arrange everything and what exactly they have. he does it in his own home too; stare at the food, never eat it. he hears someone behind him all of a sudden and shuts the cupboard he'd been looking into, vaguely aware that what he is doing is a bit weird. "already hungry this early?" the guy is shorter than him, has black hair, and hoseok enviously notes how small he looks in his skinny jeans and little silver jacket. he bets those jeans wouldn't even fit him, not after gaining all that weight in rehab. "no, i was just…" hoseok has never been the best at lying, and has definitely given up on trying to trick people into believing that he is not weird a long time ago, so he doesn't even bother. "snooping, i guess. what are you doing here?" yoongi shrugs and sits down on the kitchen counter. "looking for some quiet" he says simply, "you're hoseok, right?” hoseok nods. "yeah, how'd you know?" the guy does look vaguely familiar if he thinks about it, but he can't really pin-point where from. "i'm yoongi, a friend of namjoon's" he answers. "maybe he's mentioned me." hoseok frowns, "not that i remember." "you sure? he hasn't mentioned the virgin who puked all over the only girl he could've had sex with?" hoseok erupts in laughter then, because he does remember that story very well. "oh my god, you're him? what a legend, man." yoongi smirks and shrugs at hoseok's reaction. the truth is hoseok has no idea what to make of yoongi just yet, but anyone who can own up so smoothly to such an embarrassing story is cool in hoseok's eyes. the strepitous noise of taehyung stumbling into the room interrupts their chatter. "hoseok! i knew i'd find you in the fucking kitchen, you cute little weirdo" he slurs, even more drunk than he'd been when hoseok had just arrived. "oh, i see you've met yoongi" he says as he slings an arm around the dark-haired boy's shoulders, pulling him off the counter "has he told you he's still a virgin?" yoongi stumbles a bit and shakes taehyung off of him, as hoseok laughs and mumbles "cute" despite himself. yoongi pretends not to hear him and pulls out something out of his jacket's pocket. a perfectly tight, thick blunt. hoseok wonders if yoongi rolled it himself. he thinks that'd be quite hot. "i was going to go smoke this outside" he says "wanna come with?" "nah man, i'm way too fucked already" taehyung says from his now sitting position on the kitchen floor at yoongi's feet. "i wasn't talking to you" yoongi says, not tearing his eyes away from hoseok. hoseok hesitates "i really shouldn't" he says, "it makes you hungry." yoongi gives him a once-over before saying "suit yourself" and exiting the room. hoseok is left alone with a mumbling taehyung now downright lying on the kitchen floor. "what was that?" "i said," taehyung responds, sitting up a little "you made the right move. fucking virgins is so weird." hoseok kicks him playfully on the thigh, eliciting a small cry and a laugh from the other. "shut up."
iv.
he had never realized how many house parties yoongi attended in town. sometimes he lets himself imagine that yoongi did not usually attend that many parties at all, but had started doing it in an attempt to run into hoseok again. he knows it's not true. when jimin's mom goes on a business trip, he throws a party. jimin, ever the social butterfly, doesn't even need to invite many people at all for loads to show up. hoseok finds yoongi smoking in the backyard that night. "looking for some quiet?" he says, recalling their first encounter. yoongi smiles at him, and he has one of those smiles where your gums show. it's the kind of little thing that hoseok finds really alluring. hoseok asks to bum a cigarette, even though he doesn't really smoke. instead of giving him a lighter, yoongi lets hoseok light the stick with the cherry of his own. their faces are just centimeters apart, and hoseok makes a mental note to remember that yoongi has brown eyes, like his. he wonders what his star sign is. yoongi passes a flask of tequila back and forth, and hoseok's had some vodka oj earlier and absolutely nothing to eat during the day, so soon enough they are both lying on the grass, talking some bullshit about how pretty the stars are even though they can't really see that many. "hoseok," yoongi says after a small silence "you really don't eat?" hoseok's empty stomach jumps a little "i eat now" he lies, "but before going to the hospital i only ate… sometimes." yoongi gets up on one elbow and leans over hoseok "how do you do it?" he says, "people must notice." hoseok shrugs, but his heartbeat quickens. he is not used to being put on the spot about his eating disorder like this. sure, there’s the clinic, and the doctor appointments, but at home it mostly goes unaddressed; his parents send him in and out of treatment and therapy and will the problem to fix itself. "it's nobody's fucking business" he says, "and it's not like anyone cares, so--" "i care" yoongi cuts him off. hoseok makes a little surprised noise at the back of his throat that must have sounded like he hadn't understood, because yoongi repeats himself. "i care." he says it more softly this time. hoseok notes his eyes look a much darker shade of brown now. deeper, almost. "yoongi," hoseok changes the subject "do you like me?" yoongi nods, a strand of hair falling over, covering his face. hoseok lets out a little laugh as he brushes it back. "cute", he whispers, and yoongi leans in. he pecks him on the lips, innocently, childishly. it almost makes hoseok forget about all his grown-up problems. he returns the gesture, and they do that back and forth a couple of times before kissing properly, almost empty flask forgotten beside them.
v.
he can't pin-point the exact moment he realizes yoongi has a thing for jimin. maybe it’s in the way he talks about him so much, maybe it’s in the way he happily withstands the awfully awkward thirdweeling that ensues whenever he hangs out with jimin and namjoon at the same time. maybe, hoseok thinks, it is in the way yoongi stares for longer and more intently than the average mortal whenever jimin dances. the truth is by the time the revelation arrives, hoseok notices all these little things at once. and it’s like a nuke bomb detonating in his stomach. he understands, though. jimin has this alluring thing about him, everything in his demeanor screams 'childish' but he has everyone eating out the palm of his little hand. he also has a cherub-like face, and he is slim because he dances, but also because he just is; he has a frame hoseok doesn’t think he himself could ever achieve without starving himself. he brings it up one time he is falling asleep on namjoon's bedroom floor with yoongi beside him. everyone else had passed out hours ago, but they'd stayed up talking quietly. they've sort of made a habit out of having stupid, deep conversations and making out in parties when no one is looking. they've never fucked though. they've barely even touched from the waist down, hoseok notes. "so, you like jimin, right?" hoseok whispers, closing his eyes. yoongi averts his eyes from the ceiling to stare at him "what?" he says, "no, i like you". hoseok giggles. "you like me, but you really, really like jimin". he pretends his heart doesn't break a little when yoongi doesn't deny it right away. "i guess…" comes yoongi's weak response. "what are you gonna do about it?" hoseok asks. "what do you mean?" yoongi looks almost offended, "he's with namjoon and he's like… my best friend. i wouldn't... i can't". hoseok wants to grab yoongi by the shoulders and tell him to snap the fuck out of it, tell him how anyone who wouldn't push everyone else aside for just one minute with him does not deserve him at all. he shrugs and pecks yoongi on the cheek instead, turning around while whispering "good night". yoongi barely notices though, as he is caught up in his own thoughts. vi."we should go on a date". hoseok lets out the suggestion one evening they are having dinner at tae's place. now that yoongi and hoseok had finally met and hoseok was officially discharged from the clinic, taehyung had decided to formalize their status as a 'proper gang' (direct quote) by having the seven of them hang out together, no one else. the idea of hanging out with yoongi, just the two of them, had been lingering in the back of his mind for a while. he'd just never had the chance to talk to him about it, until he stands up to go to the bathroom and meets yoongi in the hallway, coming back from it. it is sort of an awkward moment to do it, but he does it nonetheless. yoongi looks surprised, but he accepts. "okay" he says, smiling a bit stunned, and for a minute he glances at hoseok's lips. hoseok nods and keeps walking towards the bathroom, and yoongi turns a bit to follow him with his sight.
vii.
yoongi doesn't quite register how it all goes down. he is getting ready to see hoseok, his mom calls him downstairs and he assumes that must be him. it's not; instead, he finds himself face to face with a teary-eyed jimin sitting on the couch. "hi," the boy says, voice hoarse, smiling through the tears "can we go to your room?” yoongi obliges. they used to do this a lot, when jimin was just a friend and not 'a friend that he really likes and is also dating this other friend of his so it's awkward'. him and jimin actually used to be extremely close, they would tell each other things they wouldn't dare tell anyone else. that's kind of how yoongi had fallen for jimin. namjoon and jimin had another fight. they've been fighting a lot, from what namjoon tells yoongi. yoongi doesn't have a lot of insight and his experience in relationships is non-existent, but something tells him that namjoon with his self-obsessive, non-chalant demeanor and jimin with his constant need for attention were doomed from the start. he doesn’t express this, however, as he listens, sat on his bed, to jimin talk about namjoon's most recent demonstration of coldness towards him. yoongi tries to be comforting and assures him that namjoon loves him, he's just not very good at showing it, but jimin shakes his head. "no, he doesn't love me, yoongi" he says, and then looks up at yoongi. "you do, though.” yoongi goes red, and he feels like his heart is trying to break through his chest. "what?" "everyone knows, yoongi," jimin says, sitting closer to yoongi on the bed, "i've always known." "jimin, i--" "you wouldn't hurt me though, would you?" their faces are just a few centimeters apart now, and yoongi starts a list in his head of all the reasons why this is so wrong, but he can't bring himself to be assertive enough to stop jimin. "you'd be good to me." "y-yes" he mumbles, breathing heavily like he's just ran a marathon "but j--" jimin is pressing his lips to his before he has a chance to object and it's fast and desperate, yoongi hasn't had many kisses like that before. everything happens so fast. he is being laid down on his bed, jimin straddles him and deepens the kiss and when he takes off his shirt yoongi thinks he might be dreaming. he's had dreams like this before anyways. his hands move on their own accord, like they don't belong to him, they roam jimin's body with a boldness he didn't know he had in himself, as if they were made for it, yoongi pushes the thought aside. all of a sudden, his bedroom door opens and it's like waking up. jimin backs away from him, startled, and yoongi sits up on the bed. hoseok is staring at him from his bedroom door with this look of utter betrayal on his face. yoongi notes how nice his outfit is, and how sadly loose the clothes are on him. it makes yoongi feel like the lowest piece of shit in the planet. jimin looks at the space between the two, his vision almost going blurry with the tension. "is everything okay?" hoseok's head snaps in his direction, like jimin speaking was the most offensive thing that could have happened to him. yoongi is about to tell jimin to go when hoseok turns around and he sees him go hurriedly down the stairs. yoongi follows him, calling out his name, and jimin follows too, albeit hesitantly. "hoseok!" yoongi calls out once they are outside "i'm sorry, please listen." hoseok scoffs bitterly "so much for 'i wouldn't, i can't', huh?" he says, breathing heavily from having bolted out of the house like that "what the fuck is going on?!" jimin has a very genuine concern, and yoongi would address it if it weren't because hoseok is practically heaving in front of him and it's starting to scare him. yoongi sees hoseok collapse right in front of his eyes, almost in slow motion, and he manages to catch him just before he hits the ground.
viii.
hoseok wakes up in the ambulance, but he is still taken to the hospital for some tests to be ran. once they determine the cause of his fainting had been exhaustion, they give him a room to stay in. jimin, ever the kind soul, doesn't leave without letting hoseok know that, whatever it was yoongi and hoseok had going on, jimin had been the one to come onto yoongi first. yoongi appreciates it. "thanks for calling an ambulance" hoseok tells yoongi once they are all done with the tests. "i shouldn't have ran. i haven't eaten in three days." yoongi's eyes widen at that. "why, hobi?" he sighs. weirdly, hoseok's heart flutters at his concerned expression. "i wanted to look good for our date" he says sincerely, "i also wanted to be able to eat normally if we ate anything, i didn't want to be embarrassing." the whole thing kind of breaks yoongi's heart. a lot. "you don't have to do that, you know… i think you look good regardless" he says, "for future reference." "how do you know? you've never seen me when i'm not starving myself" hoseok responds coldly and yeah, yoongi's heart definitely breaks at that. "anyways, they ran some blood tests. i'm probably going back to the clinic as soon as my parents find out."yoongi feels like an idiot for calling an ambulance, not like he could have done much else anyway. "i'm sorry" he says, "that you feel like this. and for what happened today". hoseok smiles this over-the-top smile. he says "it's okay" and yoongi doesn't believe him one bit.
ix.
he visits hoseok at the clinic. the place is not really what he'd imagined; it's spacious, luminous, has a few garden areas and yoongi would dare say it looks more like a nice little hotel than a mental health clinic. it makes yoongi wonder how much money hoseok's parents have. hoseok seems unimpressed by the whole environment. he tells yoongi he'll be 18 by the time they discharge him, and he won't be going back to his parents place or setting foot in a hospital or mental health clinic ever again. this makes yoongi realize he had never learned hoseok's age before, or what school he went to, or all those little things you are supposed to know about the people you care about. despite all that, he felt extremely close to hoseok. he voices these thoughts one afternoon they are strolling across one of the clinic's gardens. "wow, where did that come from?" hoseok says, a bit flustered. yoongi really has no idea; maybe it’s because of the way that the clinic is designed to look like a safe little paradise, or maybe it’s because of how pleasingly warm the sun is on his skin. the truth is the words exited his mouth before he’d had a chance to justify them. "how old did you think i was, when you met me?" yoongi shrugs "didn't really stop to think about it." "then that means you're not 18 yet" hoseok says, and yoongi shakes his head. "turning 19 on march" he answers. "oh, then you're a whole year older than me." hoseok ponders, then goes quiet for a moment. "aries?" yoongi smirks "pisces". "ah," hoseok says, "of course." they stroll in comfortable silence for a few moments, until yoongi speaks. "if i manage to move out before you're discharged, you could stay with me." he suggests, "if you want." hoseok tries to hide his beam by staring at the ground, but fails. "you didn't even ask my star sign." yoongi laughs. x.“make yourself at home” taehyung beams at him like he’s showing him the most luxurious suite of a 5-star hotel. in reality, the apartment has 2 rooms, one of them a ‘bedroom’ (a.k.a. where taehyung sleeps on a mattress on the floor), the other a living room (a.k.a. where hoseok will sleep on a couch)/kitchen, plus a small, rusty bathroom. hoseok had successfully kept his promise of not going back to his parents’ once he was out of the clinic, even if it wasn’t under the terms he wishes it was. he had given up on any potential plans regarding his future with yoongi two weeks after the elder stopped visiting him. he had also given up on things like trying to smile more, and showering without being told to. he’s still struggling a little with it.he has to physically stop himself from asking taehyung about him. when taehyung suggests going out to celebrate hoseok being back he thinks it’s the last thing in the world he’d want to do, but he obliges. maybe it’ll get his mind off yoongi, he kids himself.he is secretly glad they don’t run into any of the guys at the bar they go to, even though he pretends he isn’t when taehyung sulks about it a bit before ordering shots and forgetting about the matter. he is glad, that is until they do run into some of the guys. hoseok doesn’t immediately recognize the mat of blond hair that is black in his short-term memories; he has to do a double take before recognizing yoongi smiling and talking to jimin near the wall, in the distance. they are kissing before hoseok can decide whether he wants to say hi. images flash violently through his head. yoongi spending time with jimin while hoseok was in the clinic thinking about him. yoongi kissing jimin while hoseok woke up thinking maybe this would be the day he visits again. yoongi smiling at jimin in the same coy, intimate way he had smiled at him. he sees yoongi break the kiss and look in his general direction. he says something, and if hoseok reads his lips he thinks it could be his name. he bolts out of the bar so fast he gets dizzy. it’s cold outside, colder than when they walked in, but that’s not why hoseok is shaking. he doesn’t want to go home but he is scared that if he stays too long yoongi (or worse, jimin) will catch up with him. the truth is he gets it. he understands he is hard to deal with, a liability, which doesn’t mean he can’t get upset over it. he just wishes yoongi had realized earlier that he wasn’t going to be able to deal. “hey! everything okay?” comes taehyung’s voice after a while. “ran into yoongi and jimin there, you should come say hi!” hoseok is teary-eyed when he turns to look at him. “hey, what’s…?” it takes taehyung a while, but he puts one and one together. yoongi and hoseok in the kitchen. the time he’d walked into them lying inside jungkook’s bathtub in the middle of a party for whatever reason. them sleeping side by side on the floor beside namjoon’s bed. taehyung thinks maybe if he hadn’t been drunk out of his mind during half of these encounters he’d realized sooner. “oh.” he says simply. hoseok nods. “come on, let’s go home.” xi.when taehyung wants to throw a party to celebrate the end of their exams (the majority of which hoseok had missed because of the clinic), he assures him he doesn’t need to invite yoongi, or jimin, or any of the gang at all. he says it’s fine, but hoseok can’t just force taehyung to stay away from people he still considers friends. he also can’t avoid them forever. “it’s not a big deal,” tae assures him, “i have other friends.” hoseok shakes his head and the conversation ends there because he knows he doesn’t. tae may have a lot of friendly acquaintances, a lot of people who want to be his friend, but he doesn’t have any friends besides hoseok and guys. maybe that is why he is so desperate not to lose hoseok as a friend he will risk all his other friendships. he is so scared he loses sight of the bigger picture. all of the guys arrive early to help them get the apartment ready, except for yoongi. jimin interacts with hoseok as little as possible, and looks at him cautiously, like he’s a pipe bomb ready to go off at any second. that’s how hoseok feels most of the time, too. he smiles his fake smile as he catches up with all of them and doesn’t fail to notice the painful tension between jimin and namjoon. by the time people start arriving, yoongi still isn’t there. by the time the flat is almost overflowing with people, yoongi still isn’t there. hoseok gets mad at himself because of how painfully aware he is of this. “i’ve got an idea,” a tipsy namjoon intercepts him in the kitchen a while past midnight, “we should be together. you know, to get back at them.”hoseok frowns at that, “how did you—“ “oh come on,” namjoon interrupts, “you think one of you motherfuckers can take a shit without me realizing?” hoseok has to give him that. namjoon has this way of reading people, that is why everything he wants, he gets. until he lets it get to his head and then he loses it.“god, i really fucking love him.” jimin is making socials with a group of people across the room from them, near the coffee table, and he shines. he isn’t even dancing or flirting, he is just smiling and chatting, and his face irradiates beauty and warmth. “yeah, everybody does.” comes hoseok response. “i’m such a jackass.” namjoon ponders, and hoseok would agree if the other didn’t look so caught up in his own head. he flees the scene before namjoon can remember his proposition from earlier. if yoongi shows up later than night, he doesn’t find out. he gathers his things from the closet in the bedroom. he hasn’t even unpacked yet, a feeling in the back of his head telling him this moment would come eventually. he goes unnoticed as he exits the apartment. the time in his phone marks 1:13 am. xii.yoongi walks in a bit before 1:30 am. taehyung is the one to greet him, obviously, and yoongi knows whatever he’s taken has already kicked in because he calls him 3 different names before saying “oh! yoongi! of course!” and wandering off elsewhere without properly shutting the door. the party seems to be quite past its prime already, and he’d been avoiding jimin and most of the guys since the incident at the bar, so he isn’t sure why he bothered to show up. no, actually he knows: he wanted to see hoseok. but now that he’s there, he doesn’t know what he expects to happen. he knows he fucked everything up, not only for hoseok but also for himself. his fear and habits of self-sabotage had gotten in the way. still, he only blames himself. he walks around a little bit, chain-smokes in the balcony for a while when he seems unable to find hoseok. there is a couple making out right beside him in the small space that seem not to notice him. he makes sure not to blow smoke in their direction, and leaves a bit after 1:30 am. xiii.the town's train station works all night, hoseok gleefully finds. the activity is much lower past midnight, however: the sign on the outside says the next train leaves at 3 am, and he is contemplating getting some coffee inside to wait it out when his thoughts get interrupted. "hey," he hears, "what are you doing here? isn't a party going down in your apartment?" yoongi's voice comes flaky, evidently anxious. hoseok can't stop himself from thinking he looks amazing in the light of the station's neon sign. he thinks blond suits him. "not mine, taehyung's," he answers, "and it's none of your business why i'm here." yoongi takes a look at hoseok from head to toe, lingering on the backpack slung around his arm before glancing at the departures sign. "i think it's pretty clear," he says as he ventures closer, "where are you going?" hoseok shrugs and walks back, keeping a distance between the two of them. "anywhere," he says. "so you’re walking out on taehyung?" yoongi really doesn't know why he is trying to be so controversial right now, maybe because the thought of hoseok leaving, unnoticed, unannounced, makes him feel like he is going to suffocate, "you're basically all he has right now, with the whole deal about his dad…" "seriously, shut up." hoseok hisses, "it's none of your business. and shouldn't you be at his party anyway, since you're such a good friend and i'm not?" "i just left." "why?" yoongi ducks his head shyly, "i sort of only went because i wanted to talk to you, and then i couldn't find you, and then i panicked and left." hoseok blinks at that, and they go quiet for a while. the buzzing of the sign sounds like it's urging them on, hoseok wonders to do what exactly. 'something, anything' it seems to be saying. caught up in his own thoughts, he lets out a laugh. it startles yoongi, sets off a myriad of thoughts inside his head. "you really fucked me up, yoongi" hoseok whispers staring at the ground. yoongi says nothing because he knows it's true. he'd thought he'd messed up the first time hoseok saw him with jimin, even when he hadn't intended for any of that to happen, and then he went and actually fucked everything up. the truth is, when he had stopped visiting, he did it more out of shame than anything. once him and jimin had started doing… whatever they'd been doing, he'd been constantly haunted by the feeling that hoseok deserved something better, someone who wouldn't let their friend cheat on their best friend with them because they are too lonely to say no, for example. "i'm sorry," the words come a bit choked but from the bottom of his heart nonetheless. "like anyone would be sorry they fucked park jimin.” hoseok is bitter, gloomy. it breaks yoongi’s heart to know he was the one to do that, but what breaks him the most is remembering how hoseok used to be: always smiling despite his hardships, simultaneously the most troubled and the most soothing person he’d known. being with him had felt like stopping time, halting all his dumb little worries and troubles to drown them in the other’s smile. the world needs people like hoseok, he thinks. "listen, i know i messed up big time and you have the right to hate me forever, but i just need to say this, i…" he hesitates, he’s never been the most articulate and it’s certainly hard to find the right words to express what he wants to say, "when i first met you i liked you so much because you were intriguing, and also because you were always making me laugh, making me feel so comfortable even though i--everybody knew, you were going through something really hard and…" he sighs in frustration at his jumbled thoughts and words, hoseok stares at him stunned, expectantly. "i guess what i'm trying to say is don't let a jackass like me turn you into some dark, gloomy person because… you're better than that, you're worth more than that.” yoongi talks slowly now, trying to pick the most important parts of his thought process. “you are so… lovable," he says, "and i love you, but you should be with someone who knows how to do it." the words from yoongi’s little monologue spin in the silent space between the two of them. yoongi feels unused adrenaline pumping through his veins from the confession he’d blurted out, something he hadn’t even managed to say aloud even to himself. something he’d never said to anyone, ever. hoseok tries to think straight, consider every little word and phrase before responding, but his mind lingers only on those three. "you said… you loved me?" his voice comes barely above a whisper. "present tense" yoongi clarifies, "and uh… yes. sorry" "don't" hoseok breathes "don't apologize for loving me, god." he stares at the departures sign almost angrily, like it holds essential answers it is unwilling to give him. he sighs. "please don't say that unless you mean it" he says. yoongi gulps, "i mean it." hoseok meets his gaze for the first time in the conversation. "fucking took you long enough," is the last thing yoongi hears before hoseok is putting his lips to his. he gives in to it, but breaks the kiss before he can enjoy it too much. "hoseok, i-- seriously," his head is spinning with how much he had missed this, being this close to hoseok, feeling him invade his every sense, but his stomach turns with guilt, "you can do so much better. you should--" "god, shut up," hoseok stops him, "this is what i want" he cups yoongi's face in his hands and looks into his eyes. brown, like his. "i love you back. a lot." he says, "that's the fucking problem, unless you let this happen and then the problem is solved." yoongi laughs at that, and hoseok smiles at him. he's missed that smile more than he can comprehend himself. he is the one to initiate the second kiss, putting hoseok's hands away from his face to hold them in his own and leaning in slowly. this is the first time, he realizes, that they kiss without being drunk or in a loud crowd, and yet yoongi has never felt so intoxicated. he still feels dizzy when the kiss ends and smiles at hoseok in a way that must make him look drunk. hoseok presses his forehead against yoongi's, wanting to go cross-eyed from staring at those brown eyes from up close. "let's go" yoongi whispers after a while, all intimate and giddy. "hm? where?" hoseok asks. "anywhere." ('anywhere' that night turns out to be yoongi's house. hoseok remember to text taehyung that he is safe right before falling asleep.) xiv. every day that passes, yoongi feels like laughing at his self from the past day for thinking he was in love with hoseok then. every single thing hoseok does, every new thing he learns about him, makes him think ‘okay, now i’m in love’. being in love is an energy-consuming thing, they realize, and they definitely chose the least convenient time to do it: graduation is just around the corner, and hoseok is really trying, for the first time, to fully recover from his eating disorder. which is hard, a lot harder for him than just mindlessly going days without food. it helps that yoongi has practically moved in with him and taehyung, and since the apartment is about the size of a shoe box he is barely ever alone, especially during meal times. sometimes seokjin comes over and teaches him some recipes, his therapist says it’s good for him to get used to being around food. still, dealing with all of that while simultaneously having to prepare for the exams that he’d missed and that the school so kindly is letting him retake, plus the current reconnecting he is engaging in with his parents, is a bit overwhelming. “i might just retake the whole year,” he sighs one afternoon he’s revising for his history exam in the kitchen. he’d been staring at the same paragraph for about an hour; he’d had an emotional breakdown over lunch and was supposed to call his parents that night. the words in front of him were blurry and seemed absolutely meaningless. yoongi walks over to where he is sitting at the kitchen table and draws circles with his palm on hoseok’s back soothingly. “take it easy, baby,” he says. the pet name and the affectionate gesture immediately make hoseok relax a bit, at least physically. “you can do it.” hoseok leans back on the chair and closes his eyes, yoongi running his fingers through the other’s hair. “i don’t even know if i want to do it,” he says softly, feeling like he’s about to drift off already. when hoseok gets like this, yoongi rarely knows what to say. he wants to say he understands how hard it is, but he really doesn’t. hoseok is dealing with so many things all at once, and yoongi is sure he wouldn’t have made it half this far himself. still, he isn’t lying when he says he knows hoseok can do this. hoseok really is the strongest person he knows, he should let him know one day, he thinks. “take a little break,” is what he settles on saying for now, “i’ll make coffee.” hoseok opens his eyes to see yoongi staring lovingly back at him, eyes brown like his. he smiles. “thank you,” he says, and then he adds “i love you,” because he does, and because he can. yoongi smiles at him, that smile where his gums show that hoseok had found so alluring and now finds so endearing. “yeah, me too,” he says as he leans in to peck hoseok on the lips. a strand of hair falls over as he does, covering his face. hoseok lets out a little laugh and whispers “cute” as he brushes it back.