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Being an idol and maintaining a happy, healthy, and functioning relationship was a challenge. Nobody knew that better than Junmyeon.There were so many things that could go wrong: getting found out by his members, getting found out by the company, getting found out by the fans, getting found out by the press-- getting found out .It was nerve wracking, straining; it made all the sweet kisses he shared with Sehun leave a bitter taste on his tongue. There was no doubt in his mind that Sehun was worth the trouble. Junmyeon would go through hell and back just for his boyfriend. However, he didn't think it was fair to expect the same from Sehun. Junmyeon didn't think of himself as anything special. Sure, he was smart and handsome.But-- they were idols.Sehun lived with seven other handsome men, a pretty face and average intellect weren't worth months of hiding his boyfriend from everyone he knew.This thing he had with Sehun, it was new. They had been skirting around it for so long, pretending that what they felt for each other was simple affection and camaraderie. It was only a matter of time until the tension snapped.And snap it did.In the most anti-climactic, predictable way possible.“I love you,” Junmyeon had said.“I know,” Sehun had replied.The pieces sort of fell into place after that. Sort of.Mostly.Kind of.Not at all.They were together now: they kissed, they cuddled, they had sex-- but, they were only allowed to do that behind closed doors. It was their precious secret. Junmyeon refused to think of his love for Sehun as dirty . Even though he knew that everyone on the outside would label it exactly that. A dirty little secret.Or maybe not so little.They were members of one of the most successful idol groups in the history of the Korean music industry, after all.“What are you thinking about?” Chanyeol asked one day. He was slouching on the sofa unattractively, wearing an oversized hoodie that looked like it had seen better days.Next to him, Junmyeon was staring at the television with a blank expression. There was some mindless action movie playing with lots of angry looking westerners yelling at an ensemble of brown men. The plot was predictable, but Junmyeon had sat next to Chanyeol hoping the loud sounds of explosions would drown out his thoughts. He’d only succeeded in making them louder.“Have you ever been in love?” Junmyeon asked. Chanyeol paused the tv.He was staring at Junmyeon speculatively, and sometimes Junmyeon forgot that underneath the big eyes and wide smiles, Chanyeol was actually a very astute man. “Why do you ask?”“Just answer the question.”Chanyeol thought about it, his hands playing idly with the tv remote. He looked serious when he opened his mouth to answer. “Yes. At the time, I thought it was love. Even though right now I'm not sure I've ever really known what love is.”“That's pretty deep,” Junmyeon wanted it to come off as a joke, but he wasn't sure if he succeeded. Although, going by his track record, he probably didn't. He liked to pretend he was funny, but even he could recognize that his jokes tended to fall flat.Chanyeol merely raised an eyebrow, he probably understood that Junmyeon was evading the subject-- even though he was the one that brought up the topic in the first place. People didn't give Chanyeol enough credit, he was surprisingly insightful… for someone who wore mismatched socks.“Why do you ask?” Chanyeol asked again, a kind smile gracing his lips. It was the same smile he used to get stray animals to trust him enough to grab food from his huge outstretched hands.Junmyeon laughed. He couldn't decide if the edge to his laughter was bitterness or exhaustion. “No reason.”Chanyeol looked doubtful, but instead of pushing it he pressed play and let Junmyeon pretend like everything was okay.〰“Hyung?” Sehun asked after a short knock. “You in there? Can I come in?”Sehun- eighteen, wide eyed, and eager- didn't wait for an answer.Junmyeon was lying in bed wearing just his boxers, earphones in his ears and a book on his lap. He had his glasses on, and they were a little crooked as they rested on the tip of his nose. Sehun’s mouth felt dry when his eyes trailed down the line of soft looking hair leading past the waistband of Junmyeon's boxers.“What is it, Sehun?” Junmyeon looked up from his book to stare at Sehun curiously. He had pulled off an earphone, the small bud held delicately between his thumb and index finger. Sehun couldn't bring himself to look away.“Oh, uh,” Sehun swallowed compulsively. He didn't know where to look, everything about Junmyeon was hypnotizing. In the end his eyes settled on Junmyeon’s, and they were no less engrossing than the rest of him. “I just wanted to hang out with someone. Everyone's busy, so…”“So I was your last resort?” Junmyeon raised an eyebrow.“No!” Sehun shook his head rapidly. He didn't realize Junmyeon was joking until he burst out laughing.“I'm kidding,” Junmyeon said. “Mostly.”Sehun smiled sheepishly. “So can I stay?”Junmyeon patted the empty space next to him in bed with a warm smile. “You can watch tv or something while I read.”Sehun grinned, and Junmyeon could almost see an invisible tail wag in excitement. He crawled up the bed and made himself comfortable, a good foot of space between them. “What are you reading?” Sehun asked. He was laying on his side staring up at Junmyeon with his hands tucked under his head, it made his cheek bulge out in the most adorable way.“ The Art of Seduction, ” Junmyeon replied. He showed Sehun the pink and black cover.“Are you planning to seduce someone, hyung?” Sehun asked playfully. Junmyeon glanced at him strangely, and Sehun wondered if his tone was a little too flirty and revealing.“No,” Junmyeon said after several seconds of tense silence. “This is just so I know what kind of image to put on for fans.”Sehun nodded in understanding. Junmyeon liked to be prepared, he was always so studious, even before debut. Now, a few months into their debut, it made sense for Junmyeon to turn to books to help him get through decisions for things like fan service.“Read to me,” Sehun said. He just wanted to hear Junmyeon’s voice. Maybe he would be able to learn something new, if he managed to look away from the shapes Junmyeon’s mouth made as he spoke. “Maybe we can find a role that fits me.”“I don't think you are having any trouble amassing an army of fangirls,” Junmyeon joked. Sehun admired the way his eyes curved when he smiled. He didn't know what it was about Junmyeon that made him feel like a school boy with his first crush. Though some would argue he was a school boy with his first crush.“What if I want to amass an army of fanboys instead?” Sehun tried to be subtle, but going by the way Junmyeon froze, he wasn't very subtle at all.Junmyeon cleared his throat. “I don't think you'll have any problems with that.”Their eyes met.It was quiet for several seconds, as if they were afraid that even breathing too loud would set off a chain reaction they would both be helpless to stop. There was a weird sort of electricity fizzling between them, almost like the static between freshly laundered clothes. It crackled in the spaces where they didn't touch, drawing them towards each other like opposing poles on a magnet. Junmyeon was the first one to look away.“Desire is both imitative (we like what others like) and competitive (we want to take away from others what they have),” Junmyeon read out loud, effectively breaking the moment.〰Their first date wasn't exactly what one would think of when they think of a first date. They didn't go out anywhere. They could have, they were in Seoul and in the middle of a well-deserved break, but they knew going out would mean catching people's attention-- which would eventually lead to interruptions. Junmyeon didn't mind meeting fans when he was out in public; in fact, as long as they were respectful and didn’t make a scene, he loved it. That didn't mean that he wanted his first date with Sehun to be interrupted by a dozen or so girls.Instead, they stayed in, ordered some Chinese food and opened up their Netflix queue. It was no different than any other day off. Except now instead of laying on their separate beds, they pushed their beds together and cuddled in the middle. It was new and different- and if Junmyeon was being honest with himself, kind of weird- but he finally felt at home in their shared dorm.Then again, their room wasn't really what made Junmyeon feel at home, Junmyeon could make a ‘home’ anywhere. He had slept and awakened in so many hotel rooms that they all blended together in a mess of ugly carpets and weak water pressure-- but none of those places were as warm and welcoming as Sehun’s arms.He felt like a sap.As if he was getting too far ahead of himself too soon, but he’d known Sehun for years and had loved him for more than half of that time. Maybe he wasn't moving fast at all, maybe he was finally reaching a climax.“Hey,” Sehun said once they’d finished watching an old Japanese horror film that Sehun had insisted on seeing. Junmyeon didn't understand why Sehun had been so adamant, considering how he had hid his face on Junmyeon’s chest the entire time. “What are you thinking so hard about?”Junmyeon turned to smile at Sehun, admiring the way the dim light from the bedside lamp made him look soft, warm, and cozy. “You.”“What about me?” Sehun looked curious, but the inquisitive expression on his face gave way to a sleepy yawn. Sehun didn't bother covering his mouth, he just opened it wide and scrunched up his eyes. Junmyeon smiled at the sight, his heart bared for anyone that looked at his face to see, nobody was as endearing to him as Sehun.“Just you,” Junmyeon shrugged.“Sounds gay,” Sehun wiggled his eyebrows.“I don't know how to break it to you but,” Junmyeon paused to motion at the both of them with his pointer finger. “ We are gay.”Sehun chuckled, cuddling up to Junmyeon and pressing a gentle kiss right on his jaw.“Are we?” Sehun’s voice sounded playful. “I hadn’t noticed.”“Would you like me to show you?” Junmyeon said lowly, his tone was just as playful as Sehun's-- if a little huskier.Sehun didn't answer verbally. Instead, he proceeded to give him lazy kisses until they both fell asleep wrapped up in each other's arms.〰“Why don't you ever pick up after yourself?” Sehun asked. He was holding a dirty sock daintily, as if it would grow wings and rub itself all over his face. Junmyeon would find it funny if he weren't tired of people commenting on how messy he was. He had thought he’d be free of nagging when he moved out of his parents house. He was wrong.“I’ll clean later,” Junmyeon waved dismissively. He was playing Candy Crush; a stupid game to be sure, but somewhere between schedules and long flights to foreign countries he'd become addicted.“No, you’ll clean now,” Sehun said. He sounded commanding, but the frustrated pout on his lips ruined the effect he was aiming for. “If you leave it for later, you’ll forget.”“You are worse than Jongdae,” Junmyeon complained.“No…” Sehun shook his head, the sock was still dangling from his hand. “I'm just more persistent.”Sehun was definitely right about that.Jongdae usually didn't insist. He was easily frustrated and quick to action. He would complain at Junmyeon for an hour straight and then, when he didn't succeed in getting Junmyeon to do anything, he would give in and do it himself. Sehun would complain...and never stop complaining. At least not until he got his way.Junmyeon still wasn't sure if he regretted telling Jongdae that if he didn't like his messiness he could find himself a new roommate. He didn't think Jongdae would actually do it.“There's a bowl of Special K on your bedside table-”“I’ll wash it later.”“It's been there for days,” Sehun didn't sound annoyed. But, he did throw the sock at Junmyeon’s face, effectively blocking his view of the game. It was a telling sign of Sehun’s growing frustration. “The spoon is stuck to the bowl, the milk has solidified.”Junmyeon tossed the sock without looking to see where it landed, turning his eyes back to his game.“Later,” Junmyeon whined.The mattress squeaked when Sehun climbed on it to pluck the phone from Junmyeon’s hands.“Hey!” Junmyeon protested. He pushed the sheets off his legs, crawling to where Sehun was kneeling with his arm stretched towards the ceiling. He pulled on Sehun's arm, trying to snatch the phone from his hand. However, he underestimated Sehun’s strength. He didn't budge. His arm was still stretched too far for Junmyeon to reach.Junmyeon figured he had two options: one, he could stand up and risk falling off the bed. Two, he could tickle Sehun’s sides and grab the phone while the other was distracted.
Mind made up, Junmyeon poked mercilessly at the skin of Sehun’s waist. He laughed triumphantly when Sehun curled in on himself, letting out breathless giggles that he would later fervently deny. Sehun tried to escape Junmyeon’s merciless hands, but Junmyeon didn’t let up, tickling him within an inch of his life. Even so, Sehun didn’t relinquish his hold on Junmyeon’s phone, tucking the device safely against his chest.“Give me back my phone!” Junmyeon ordered. However, his fond smile didn’t inspire any desire to be obedient.“Not until you clean!” Sehun said breathlessly. His face was flushed and his hair was messy from moving so much in order to escape his fate.Junmyeon sat back on his hunches trying to pry Sehun’s crossed arms from his chest, but Sehun was unnaturally strong for someone so lanky.“Stop it,” Junmyeon said, crawling on top of Sehun’s lap. He wasn’t really paying attention to the position he was currently in, otherwise he would have stopped.“No,” Sehun repeated petulantly. He stuck out his tongue at Junmyeon, and Junmyeon had to resist the urge to pinch it between two fingers so Sehun would never do something so childish again.“Give it back,” Junmyeon said as threateningly as he could, which wasn’t very threatening at all. His hands moved from Sehun’s waist to his belly, tickling at the firm skin there.Sehun bucked his hips trying to unseat Junmyeon from where he was sitting straddling his lap. “No!”“Brat!” Junmyeon laughed, his hands moving their attack from Sehun’s tummy to his neck. Sehun’s body contorted in an effort to escape.“Stop, stop, stop,” Sehun was laughing uncontrollably, tears spilling down his temples and into his hair. He had a pained expression on his face. “I’ll pee!”“Gross,” Junmyeon wrinkled his nose in disgust.“I’ll help you clean just stop, mercy,” Sehun said, holding his arms up in an x shape. Junmyeon took advantage of Sehun finally moving his hands away from his chest and pried the phone from his fingers.“Fine, but only because you said you were helping,” Junmyeon said.Junmyeon rolled off Sehun; trying not to think about how pretty he looked when he was flushed and breathless or how comfortable it felt to sit on his lap.He failed.〰Junmyeon moaned as Sehun licked into his mouth. His back arching clear off their bed as Sehun let his hands travel down Junmyeon’s clothed chest. It was a late night make-out session. One of the many they had every night before going to sleep. Sharing a room was the best thing they ever did. It gave them all the space and privacy they needed for occasions like this.“I want you so bad,” Sehun said, pulling sharply at Junmyeon’s lower lip with his teeth.Junmyeon panted into Sehun’s mouth, the sound of blood rushing south loud in his ears. They hadn't gone ‘all the way’ yet, it had never been the right time. They were either too tired from practice, didn't have any supplies or were simply not in the mood. Sometimes, if they were extra unlucky, it was all of the above.He didn't want to think that they had to plan their first time, but frankly with the kind of life they lived they didn't really have much of a choice. Spontaneity died when you were an idol on a tight schedule.“You are so hot,” Sehun’s hands were cold where they were pulling at Junmyeon’s shirt to caress bare skin.“Not as hot as you,” Junmyeon replied breathlessly. Sehun laughed into the skin of his neck, the puffs of air making goosebumps rise in their wake.“I wanna eat you out,” Sehun said. Junmyeon could almost hear the smile in his voice.“You can't, it's dirty,” Junmyeon shook his head against the pillows.“What if I just suck you off instead?” Sehun pressed wet kisses along Junmyeon’s collarbones, his hands crawling up Junmyeon’s chest to playfully pinch a nipple.Junmyeon slapped the hand away. “I'm sweaty.”“Let's take a shower then,” Sehun licked a stripe up Junmyeon's neck. He could taste salt from sweat that had already dried on Junmyeon’s skin.“It’s cramped,” Junmyeon pointed out. Sehun paused, leaning back to stare down at Junmyeon curiously.“Are you not in the mood?” He asked. “It's okay if you aren't, you can tell me, you don't have to look for excuses.”“No! No, I am!” Junmyeon rushed to say. “It’s just that I'm tired and sore from practice.”“So…” Sehun looked confused. “You aren't in the mood?”“I am… mostly,” Junmyeon sounded unsure.“Okay. If you aren't sure, let's just cuddle,” Sehun quickly adjusted them so Junmyeon was the little spoon. Junmyeon felt mildly guilty when he felt Sehun’s half hard cock press into the small of his back, but he didn't feel sorry enough to do anything about it.“Tell me about your day,” Junmyeon said. He was playing with the fingers of the hand that Sehun had thrown lazily over his waist.“Hm,” Sehun mumbled thoughtfully. “I really didn't do much. I was with you during rehearsals, I played Animal Crossing for like two hours.”Junmyeon snorted. Kyungsoo had recently gotten Sehun into Animal Crossing after Chanyeol had gotten him into Animal Crossing. Junmyeon didn't understand how their weird friendship worked outside of the stage, but something told him it was 50% humoring Chanyeol’s hyper-fixations and another 50% milking each other for food.“Sounds like fun,” Junmyeon said, just to let Sehun know he was listening. He played games, but he didn't enjoy simulation games (he found them too dull), so he was not being totally sincere when he said it sounded ‘fun.’“Oh!” Sehun exclaimed. “I went to the gym with Jongin this morning.”Junmyeon wasn't surprised. Jongin and Sehun had always been close, maybe not as close and Sehun and Chanyeol-- but still, they spent hours practicing their dancing together, went to the gym together, set up playdates for their dogs together. The point was that they were always together; at least whenever Jongin wasn't wasting away in bed.“Don't worry, we didn't get caught,” Sehun reassured. Although Junmyeon knew Sehun was just saying that because Junmyeon always worried about potentially damning fan taken pictures, he couldn’t help but think that Sehun had finally noticed.Junmyeon didn't really care if Jongin and Sehun hung out… he didn't. Really .Except, he did .It wasn't the act of hanging out that upset Junmyeon. He wasn't possessive of Sehun like that. But, he would be lying if he said fans reactions to Jongin and Sehun didn't bother him. After years in the idol scene, Junmyeon was no stranger to shipping . However, he hadn't thought about how frustrating it would be to see strangers talking about how much better his boyfriend looked with someone else.“What about you? What did you do today?” Sehun asked.Junmyeon pushed all thoughts of jealousy aside and curled himself up in Sehun’s arms, telling him all about his day and enjoying the warmth from their shared body heat.〰Sehun- twenty, tall, and lanky- was the most beautiful boy Junmyeon had ever seen.Junmyeon had lived most of his life surrounded by attractive men, but all of them paled when compared to Sehun. He always looked so handsome on stage; his eyes laser sharp and focused on the crowd in front of him. There was something hypnotizing about the way Sehun moved. He was not as fluid as Yixing, nor as graceful as Jongin-- instead, he was sharp. All controlled movements and precise steps.It was a perfect representation of what Sehun was like in real life. Sharp wit, controlled words, a precise lilt to his voice as he tried his hardest to control the lisp that Junmyeon found oh so adorable .Junmyeon watched Sehun with growing appreciation, ignoring the heavy thump in his chest. He knew what it meant of course, but he also knew that falling for Sehun was more trouble than either of them needed.〰Junmyeon was scrolling through his phone with a deep furrow in his brow; his shoulders were tense, his mouth pressed into a thin line, anyone that glanced at him would be able to tell that he was very unhappy.He didn't know why he was stalking a fan's weibo. He didn't even know how he found himself on said account. Sure, he usually kept up with what fans were saying, but he’d never once scrolled down nearly six months of content. It was like witnessing a car crash-- he couldn't bring himself to look away.This artist was very talented, that wasn't the issue. The issue was the way they decided to use their talents. Junmyeon didn't know how many of his members sketched penises he’d seen in the last hour. It was more than he'd seen in the time they had lived together, even taking into account all the times they had bathed together and changed in front of each other. They were remarkably spot on too, which was kind of scary if he thought about it for too long.It was all fine, if a little awkward. He never wanted to see Chanyeol and Baekhyun in any sort of sexual scenario ever again... not that he had ever wanted that in the first place.Still.Everything was bearable-- until drawings of Jongin started popping up.At first, they were pretty vanilla-- just nude portraits. However, that didn't last long; soon the drawings turned graphic, featuring various members involved with Jongin in very creative and intimate ways. There was a lot of Kyungsoo, rarely some Chanyeol, but mostly there was Sehun.Junmyeon couldn't look away.The image of Jongin and Sehun tangled together so tightly that he couldn't tell whose limbs were whose, was burned into his retinas. He wanted nothing more than to look away- stop scrolling, but his masochistic brain betrayed him and he stared at picture after picture, his chest growing heavier and heavier every time he ran into something new.He didn't know why he was doing this, but a part of him was urging him to continue. So he did. He clicked on another blog, and then another, until he closed his eyes and saw a mess of lines and colors. Shapes that made up bodies that resembled the only boy he’d ever let himself have, in the hands of a boy he was meant to lead. It made his stomach turn. It made him feel green with envy and nausea.He wanted nothing more than to run to his manager, tell him about the upsetting art and demand it be taken down. He could use the excuse that it was damning to the group's image, the only thing that held him back was that he realized it would only hurt him in the long run. Why have the company actually enforce homophobic rules that were already implied?So, Junmyeon swallowed it all back. It tasted bitter in the back of his tongue, and it was heavy- like a stone- when it settled in the pit of his stomach.〰Junmyeon tried.God knows, he tried.He tried so hard to push away his feelings for Sehun. He pretended the feelings weren't there at all-- as if Sehun were any other member. The truth was, Sehun had stopped being just any other member a long time ago. In fact, Junmyeon couldn't be sure if Sehun had ever been just any other member at all.His feelings for Sehun were dangerous. So many things could go wrong, all of them with disastrous consequences. Consequences that would hurt more than just him. He knew that. But still--He was helpless.Bound to fall.Unable to resist.〰“Are you and Heechul fucking?” Junmyeon asked Baekhyun bluntly. Baekhyun looked disgusted.“Ew, what the fuck?” He stuck his tongue out in a way that clearly said yuck . “He's like an older brother to me.”“There's been some talk on the internet-”“Would you stop stalking our fans online?” Baekhyun asked. He sounded exasperated, despite looking more grossed out than anything else.“I'm just concerned. As leader, I need to be aware of our image,” Junmyeon frowned.“Who I am or am not fucking is none of your concern-” Baekhyun glared at Junmyeon when he saw the man beginning to protest. Junmyeon bit his words back. “And honestly, our reputation is as squeaky clean as it can be, all things considered.”“Still-”“Do you ever know when to stop being leader?” The question made Junmyeon blink in confusion. “There's more important stuff to worry about than women with a gay fetish.”Junmyeon frowned at how glib Baekhyun was acting. “Gay rumors are serious things, Baekhyun.”Nobody was more aware of that than Junmyeon.“Yeah, well,” Baekhyun shrugged. “You shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internet. Those same fans are saying Sehun and Jongin are fucking. When I know for a fact, that isn't true.”And Junmyeon didn't know what bothered him more-- the knowing glint in Baekhyun’s eyes or the insinuation that Sehun and Jongin were close enough to be interpreted as romantic.〰When they first started dating, everything was fine. Great, actually. It was like a dream, they could kiss and hold hands; they could cuddle and openly talk about how much they meant to each other. Junmyeon never once thought he would be so lucky.Happiness, however, was fleeting. Joy was a fickle feeling. Getting you hooked, making you feel good and crave for more, and then leaving you hanging. Junmyeon knew this for a fact, but somehow he’d fooled himself into thinking that maybe this time happiness would last.They didn't really fight -there were no screaming matches, no insults thrown around- they just… talked themselves into circles. Discussing the same thing over and over, exhausting the topic and yet accomplishing nothing.Junmyeon didn't understand why Sehun was being so insistent, Sehun didn't understand why Junmyeon was being so intransigent. They couldn't meet each other halfway. So instead, they kept talking about it, trying and failing to change each other's minds.〰“What is your problem?” Jongdae asked. He had followed Junmyeon into the men’s room. Not noticing (or maybe not caring about) the stares that looked after them as they walked away.They were currently at Viva Polo, taking advantage of Mrs. Park’s love for her son and eating a ‘free’ meal. ‘Free’ because they always paid, even when she told them not to.“There's no problem,” Junmyeon said nonchalantly. “I don't have a problem.”“I’m sure,” Jongdae said, clearly not buying the lie. “Why are you acting like such a jerk?”“I'm not-”“You snapped at Jongin,” Jongdae pointed out. “What did he even do to you?”Jongdae wasn't the type of guy to come charging at someone for a perceived slight against him. Usually, he just stewed in his anger in silence until it passed. However, those rules didn't apply if he felt like someone he cared about was treated unjustly.“He didn't do anything,” Junmyeon
said, but there was something in his tone that made Jongdae doubt his words. “I told you there was no problem.”“I don't know what's going on, but it really doesn't matter. Whatever is frustrating you doesn't excuse you taking it out on our maknae,” Jongdae frowned, his eyebrows drawn tight over his eyes. Junmyeon wanted to point out that Jongin wasn't actually their maknae. Fortunately, before Junmyeon could offer up his smartass reply, the door to the bathroom opened.“Everything alright in here?” Sehun asked. His eyes skipping from Jongdae to Junmyeon. Junmyeon knew Sehun could probably feel the tension in the room and was just purposefully ignoring it in hopes of it dissipating.Jongdae stared intently at Junmyeon before nodding. “Yeah, everything's fine. There's no problem. ”Sehun stepped into the room, and together with Junmyeon watched as Jongdae left the bathroom without another word.“He was right, you know,” Sehun said calmly. He walked over to the mirror by the sink, leaning forward and picking at his skin. Junmyeon didn't understand the need, even barefaced, Sehun’s skin was flawless.“Right about what?” Junmyeon asked. He knew Sehun was here to call him out for being rude to Jongin. Junmyeon didn't know what came over him; or, well-- he did, he just didn't want to admit it. Nobody liked admitting that they were jealous.“You were acting like a dick,” Sehun said simply. He was fussing with his hair. Junmyeon wondered if he was avoiding meeting gazes so that Junmyeon wouldn't get the full brunt of his anger; even though it was growing increasingly obvious as the seconds ticked by, Sehun’s shoulders getting more tense the longer they skirted around the subject.“I wasn't-”“Stop it,” Sehun finally looked at Junmyeon. Their eyes met through the reflection on the mirror. Junmyeon was right, Sehun was mad, but more than anything he was disappointed. “You yelled at him.”“I didn't yell-”“You raised your voice then,” Sehun rolled his eyes. “All he did was joke around-”“About dating you!” Junmyeon snapped. His eyes widened in shock when he realized what his admission implied. So much for not coming across as jealous.“Is that what this is about?” Sehun asked, he looked taken aback. “Are you jealous?”Junmyeon considered lying and sparing his pride, but he knew there was no need. The damage was done. So instead, he stayed quiet and let Sehun arrive at his own conclusions.“You…” Sehun sighed. He turned around and stared at Junmyeon, who was now the one avoiding his gaze. “How long has this been going on?”“Not long,” Junmyeon lied.Sehun scoffed. “Try again, and tell me the truth this time.”“It hasn't been going on for long,” Junmyeon insisted. He was lying right to Sehun's face, and he knew Sehun could tell. He didn't want to look up, he could already feel the weight of Sehun’s disappointment.“Fine,” Sehun said, and Junmyeon was surprised that his boyfriend was letting it go so easily. “Next time, come talk to me before you blame someone else for our relationship problems.”“Relationship problems...” Junmyeon repeated under his breath. The words clicked just as Sehun turned to leave. “Wait!” Suho caught a hold of Sehun’s wrist. “Problems? What problems?”“The fact that you refuse to speak honestly with me about something that's bothering you,” Sehun began listing off. “The fact that you trust me so little, that you are jealous of my relationship with one of my closest friends. The fact that neither of those two things would probably be an issue if we just told-”“You know why we can't tell them,” Junmyeon interrupted. They had argued about ‘coming out’ before.“No, I don't,” Sehun said, in the same stubborn tone he had adopted every other time they’d discussed this. “I don't know. Because we seem to have very different opinions about our friends. God, Junmyeon!” Sehun passed a frustrated hand through his hair. “They won't tell anyone. Even if they weren't like family, exposing us would hurt the group as a whole. Do you really think they would risk their careers like that?”“Not on purpose,” Junmyeon said. He felt like a broken record, stuck repeating the same line over and over.“Are you--” Sehun stopped himself.“What?”Sehun frowned, pulling his wrist away from Junmyeon’s hold with surprising gentleness. “Nevermind.”But, Junmyeon heard the question anyway. Sehun had asked it several times before.
Are you ashamed of us?

〰
“ Are you gonna kiss me?” Sehun asked.Junmyeon blinked in surprise. He’d literally just finished confessing. He hadn't even gotten much of a reply, just a cryptic “I know.” As if that was an appropriate response to the words “I love you.”“You want me to kiss you?” Junmyeon asked, just to be sure. His mouth felt dry, his hands felt clammy, and his heart still hadn't stopped its rabbit-like pitter patter on his chest.Sehun rolled his eyes, bratty even in a situation like this. “I wouldn't have said anything otherwise.”“Oh,” Junmyeon said, all the air in his lungs leaving him in one long exhale. Junmyeon didn't know where he would get the courage to initiate a kiss- having used up all of it in his confession, or rather, in waiting for a reply to his confession. He hadn't planned on saying anything, it sort of just slipped out in the most inopportune moment. He had never wanted to run away faster and farther in his life. However, morbid curiosity (or perhaps stupid bravery) kept his feet glued to the ground.Sehun looked impatient when Junmyeon finally dared look into his eyes.“We shouldn't-”But Sehun didn't let him finish the sentence.His lips were warm and soft against Junmyeon’s. He tasted of strawberry chapstick and the sweat that had dried on his upper lip from working out earlier. Junmyeon tried to stay aware of his surroundings, they were in their dorm balcony, and everyone was supposedly sleeping. That didn't mean they were safe though. Chanyeol was prone to getting up for midnight snacks and-Junmyeon gasped in surprise. Sehun had bit his lower lip harshly, clearly not happy that Junmyeon wasn't responding to his kiss.“Kiss me,” Sehun whispered into his lips, and Junmyeon did.Junmyeon kissed him with all the desire he had stored in his body during those long years of pining. He pushed the taller boy into the balcony railing, grabbing a fistful of his bleached hair in order to push their lips tighter together. His other hand gripped tightly into Sehun’s waist, the fabric of his t-shirt bunching up in his fist. It was as if he was afraid that letting go would cause Sehun to disappear with the wind.But, Sehun was there; real, warm, and kissing Junmyeon back like he was a drowning man and Junmyeon was a buoy in deep sea.Sehun’s hands traveled to Junmyeon’s ass, squeezing it tightly and pushing them even closer together.“I love you,” Junmyeon said when he came up for air. Sehun looked like he wanted to reply, but now that Junmyeon had gotten a taste of Sehun, he was eager for more.With a low sound in the back of his throat, Junmyeon pressed his lips back onto Sehun's, mouth open and slanted, and Sehun got the hint. The kiss was heated, nowhere near innocent enough for a first kiss, but it was years of yearning all culminating in a mess of tangling tongues and panting breaths.Sehun broke the kiss after a while, a string of saliva connecting them that in any other circumstance Junmyeon would have found gross.Sehun licked his lips and the string broke.“Did I get carried away?” Junmyeon asked and his voice sounded as breathless as he felt.Sehun laughed, his face breaking into a wide goofy smile. “A little,” Sehun said, resting his forehead against Junmyeon's. He raised his hands to cradle Junmyeon’s jaw. “I love you too.”
〰
Things were tense around them. Junmyeon could tell, Sehun could tell, the entire group could tell.It wasn't just the tension between Junmyeon and Sehun, but also the hesitancy with which Jongin approached Junmyeon. Almost as if he was expecting Junmyeon to snap at him for breathing too loud. Junmyeon didn't think he had been that harsh, but clearly Jongin was left with a lasting impression. Either way, it was clear he owed Jongin an apology. If only he could stop being stubborn and admit he did wrong.That was easier said than done.And so-- there Junmyeon stood. In the same balcony where he’d shared his first kiss with Sehun all those months ago. Except this time the sun was out, and instead of Sehun, the person next to him was Chanyeol.He didn't say anything and neither did Chanyeol. They let the sound of cars driving in the street below fill the gaps where conversation should be.Junmyeon appreciated the company, even if he could tell Chanyeol was silently judging him for things he didn't understand- just like everyone else. At least Chanyeol wasn't saying anything; which was rare for him. He couldn't figure out what Chanyeol was hoping to accomplish by just sitting there. He could try to make sense of it, but Junmyeon didn't really have the desire to decipher Chanyeol’s motives.Still.Junmyeon couldn't help that he was curious. He was itching to ask Chanyeol if Sehun sent him to the balcony to spy on him. Even if it seemed stupid, considering Sehun was just a sliding door away.Junmyeon turned to look at Chanyeol, who was tapping away at his cellphone rapidly. Probably playing a rhythmic game.“Chanyeol?”Chanyeol paused his game but his leg was still bouncing to whatever beat was in his head.“Why are you here?” Junmyeon asked. He leaned against the railing and studied Chanyeol’s face. Junmyeon tried not to think about how the sun shone on his eyes and made them look brighter than they were; a spark of intellect lighting Chanyeol up from the inside, giving a calculating edge to his smile.“This is my balcony too.”“I meant with me,” Junmyeon rolled his eyes. “You aren't usually eager to hang out with me.”“That's true,” Chanyeol teased. Junmyeon ignored the slight sting he felt at the words-- he wasn't surprised. “Turns out you are much more fun to hang around when you are too mopey to make bad jokes.”“Ha,” Junmyeon’s chuckle was dry and Chanyeol fidgeted in his seat, looking mildly apologetic.“Are you okay?” Chanyeol asked.“Why wouldn't I be?” Junmyeon replied, and even to him the words sounded empty. He hoped it would be enough fool Chanyeol.It wasn’t.Chanyeol looked unimpressed. “Sehun tells me everything.”Junmyeon felt his blood run cold.“Well, almost everything,” Chanyeol continues. “He still won't tell me why he's so mad at you.”Junmyeon tried to contain his relief. However, despite SM’s expensive training, he remained a poor actor.“I figured it has something to do with how you yelled at Jongin for joking about dating boys,” Chanyeol said with a shrug. He looked speculative, and the way he kept bouncing his leg as he got lost in his thoughts was driving Junmyeon insane.“I didn't mean for it to come off like that.”“Like what? Like you have something against boys who like boys?” Chanyeol stopped his jittering, and instead stared intently at Junmyeon.“I'm not a homophobe,” Junmyeon defended himself.“Are you sure?” Chanyeol raised an eyebrow. “Because you talk like one.”“I was just worried,” Junmyeon said. “What if someone heard? There's already stuff online about how they are too close-”“There's also stuff online about how Baekhyun and I are dating because he lent me a sweater once,” Chanyeol shrugged. “That doesn't mean it's true.”“It's not-”“It's not the same? It's not like that?” Chanyeol guessed at Junmyeon’s complete statement. Junmyeon was annoyed, Chanyeol wouldn't have to complete his sentences if he’d just stop interrupting.“It's different.”“Why?” Chanyeol scoffed. “Because Sehun’s actually gay? As opposed to Baekhyun who’s only… what? Half-gay?”“Don't put words in my mouth. I never said that,” Junmyeon was quick to protest, waving his hands in front of him as if to dispel the accusations. “How do you know that Sehun is gay?”“He tells me everything,” Chanyeol reminded. “I'm surprised he told you though.”“Why would that surprise you?”Chanyeol didn't reply. Instead, he let out a long sigh, as if he knew something Junmyeon didn't.
The irony of that wasn't lost on him. “He really cares about you,” he said. Junmyeon thought about how Chanyeol didn't know how deeply ‘caring’ ran for the two of them. He wondered what Chanyeol would say if he knew that the entire situation was nothing more than a lovers’ spat. “He's probably very hurt and disappointed that his favorite hyung was so disgusted at the idea of him dating a boy.”“Stop saying that,” Junmyeon snapped. “This isn’t about that. I’ve told you this already.”“Then what is it about?”“I really don't see how that is any of your business,” Junmyeon said. He’d already slipped and showed Sehun that he was jealous. He wouldn't do the same with Chanyeol.After a long moment of silence Chanyeol sighed, pulling out his phone and going back to his game. “You should apologize to Jongin. It will make you look better in Sehun’s eyes. He’ll forgive you faster if you are humble,” Chanyeol said, even though he was no longer looking at Junmyeon.Junmyeon knew Chanyeol was right. Yet he couldn't help thinking that maybe this was for the best-- if maybe he should let their relationship fade away without putting up a fight. Sehun deserved better than an insecure, jealous, coward like Junmyeon.He watched Chanyeol tap away on his phone in silence. He never did answer Junmyeon’s initial question, the ‘why are you here’ remained unanswered.〰They were lying in bed tangled together after a night of stolen kisses when Sehun asked the dreaded question. “When are we going to tell the others that we’re dating?”Junmyeon stiffened, drawing away ever so slightly. Somehow, he didn’t think that saying ‘never’ would go down very smoothly. So instead he said, “the others don’t need to know. This is personal, just between you and me.”Sehun leaned back slowly, as if taking his time in putting distance between their bodies would keep the words from sinking in.“You don’t want to tell them?”“They don’t need to know.”“That’s not what I asked,” Sehun said. He sounded upset and it almost made Junmyeon change his mind and give Sehun everything he asked for. Even something as inadvisable as this. “Why don’t you want to tell them?”Junmyeon took a deep breath, finally accepting that there was no way of escaping the conversation. “It's not that I don't want to tell them,” Junmyeon said carefully. “I'm just not sure it would be a good idea.”“Why wouldn't it be?” Sehun questioned. “You know Baekhyun is bi, Chanyeol is one of my best friends, so is Jongin, so they won't care. In fact, none of them would care, they love us.”“It's not that simple.”“Then simplify it,” Sehun looked frustrated, but even then he didn't raise his voice or snap at Junmyeon. Just stared at him sadly.“They could tell-”“They wouldn't.”“Maybe not on purpose,” Junmyeon said. It got Sehun to shut up-- if only for a minute. “But you know how they are, they could slip. Nothing malicious but… well, their intent is irrelevant once the damage is done. Isn't it?”“They are smarter than that,” Sehun shook his head. The sound of his hair rubbing against the fabric of the pillowcase was loud in the otherwise quiet room; his hair was dry and damaged from bleach, it sounded like hay scraping against cotton. “You don't give them enough credit.”“You give them too much.”“I don't want to be in hiding for the rest of my life,” Sehun said under his breath. He looked sad, and Junmyeon felt like the biggest asshole on the planet. “Especially from my friends.”Junmyeon smiled as tenderly as possible, but there was a brittle edge there that was new. “You think you’ll be with me for the rest of your life?”“Of course,” Sehun said without hesitation. There wasn't a single shred of doubt in his voice. “I wouldn't want anybody else.”〰They fell apart in the same sort of way they fell in love.Predictably.Anti-climatically.“We can't keep doing this,” Junmyeon had said.“I know,” Sehun had replied.〰Nothing had changed.Sehun and Junmyeon still joked around about their relationship in public, playing up the skinship and selling their ‘bromance’ as much as possible. Junmyeon knew that baiting fangirls was the best way to keep them invested. Yet he couldn't pretend he didn't wish he could kiss Sehun on the lips and have it all turn out okay. He couldn't act like the idea of coming out to his members and their millions of adoring fans wasn't appealing. He wished people could know the sincerity behind every flirty joke, the truth hidden behind every playful ‘I love you.’Unfortunately, idols weren't afforded that luxury.He had never once resented his profession. He counted his blessings every night and thanked Buddha for showering him with such good fortune. Junmyeon didn't want to seem ungrateful-- but he yearned, yearned for a freedom that would never be his. Dreamed of a future where he was allowed to love Sehun openly and proudly, just like Sehun deserved.Once he’d hoped for a future where his name was written in bright lights. Now he just wished for a future where he could hold Sehun’s hand in public without it being the butt of a joke.Funny how the latter was so simple and yet impossible to attain.〰Junmyeon never realized just how much of his time was taken up by Sehun until he wasn't there to monopolize it anymore. Sure, Sehun was there, physically-- but not in the ways it counted. Gone were the sleepy morning kisses and warm late night cuddles. Now there was just a giant gap between them; their beds were pulled apart for the first time since they started dating, creating a massive gulf that felt impossible to cross.They barely talked to each other, couldn't even stand to look at one another when there was a risk of their eyes meeting. They were reduced to a twisted parody of what they had been way before they’d confessed their feelings.Junmyeon felt lonely, and from what he could tell, Sehun did too. He wanted nothing more than to approach Sehun and beg for forgiveness. He was willing to confess his insecurities, admit his cowardice, and accept that he’d acted out due to jealousy. He wanted Sehun back, needed him back. He felt Sehun’s absence like a gaping wound.But, he feared he was too late.Junmyeon knew it was his fault that their relationship was the way it was. He had let them pull away from each other, he had shouldered everything (like he usually did) and let it fester. Sehun had been right that time in the restroom when he said it could have all been avoided if they’d just talked. Unfortunately, talking wasn’t Junmyeon’s strength, at least not when it came to his feelings; he could deliver a ‘thank you’ speech just fine, but that was the extent of it.Junmyeon wanted to fix his relationship with Sehun. Even if it was just for the benefit of the group and not to rekindle their flame. He was conflicted, though. He loved Sehun, that much hadn’t changed. However, loving Sehun wasn’t going to change the fact that he could never be what Sehun needed. He would never be able to love Sehun freely. Their love was cursed to be live its life behind closed doors, only to be expressed beneath the sheets, in the softest of whispers.Sehun deserved better.〰Sehun was lying on his side of the bed, staring at Junmyeon with his heart in his eyes. It made Junmyeon feel warmer than the blankets he was currently wrapped up in, like the sun was shining on him despite the stars twinkling outside.They didn’t often get the time to just stare at each other. They were always surrounded by cameras, the lenses watching their every move in a way that was borderline voyeuristic. But, in quiet moments like this, everything faded into the background.“Do you ever think about what you would be doing right now if you weren’t in Exo?” Sehun asked out of nowhere. “Like in some alternate universe where we never became idols.”“I’d like to think I’d still be next to you,” Junmyeon answered honestly.Sehun laughed. “That was sappy, even for you,” he gently kicked at Junmyeon’s bare legs with his cold feet. “I think I would be something boring, like a dentist.”“You are in your early twenties, there’s no way you would be a dentist yet,” Junmyeon said. The conversation was ridiculous, but it was fun to imagine. In a sad, nostalgic way.“Fine, a pre-dentist then,” Sehun said with a roll of his eyes.“Do you mean a dental student?”“You know what I meant! What about you? What do you think you would be?”“Something even more boring than a dentist,” Junmyeon paused for effect. “An accountant.”“Oh,” Sehun’s face twisted into a funny looking smirk. “That does sound like you.”“Are you calling me boring?” Junmyeon pretended to be offended but he couldn’t disguise the amusement in his tone.“You said it not me,” Sehun said, as if he was a customer service specialist placating a difficult shopper.Junmyeon felt overwhelmed with affection, like his body was too small to contain all the love he felt for Sehun. Despite that, his chest felt heavy with the weight of all their lost opportunities, it hurt to think about all the lives they could have lived. It was a complicated feeling, to love Sehun and have Sehun, and yet still miss him. Then again, everything about their relationship was complicated— or so it seemed to Junmyeon.“Do you believe in soulmates?” Sehun asked.“You’re very inquisitive tonight,” Junmyeon said. Sehun watched him expectantly for long enough that Junmyeon felt obligated to answer. “I don’t know, do you?”“No,” Sehun said.“Then why’d you ask?”“I thought you would say something corny,” Sehun blinked innocently at Junmyeon, but he didn’t buy the naive act for a second. “Like, ‘I believe in love’ or ‘I believe in you.’”Junmyeon flicked him in the forehead none too gently, “sorry to disappoint.”Sehun rubbed his forehead with a pout.“Besides, if I were to say something corny it would be ‘I believe in us.’”〰“I told Sehun you apologized,” Jongin said in place of a greeting. He walked into Junmyeon and Sehun’s room without knocking, taking advantage of the fact Sehun was showering to catch Junmyeon on his own.“Huh?” Junmyeon asked dumbly.Jongin hadn’t talked to him about anything that didn’t concern work in weeks. “I know he won’t talk to you until he thinks you’ve apologized,” Jongin continued. “I forgive you, by the way— even if you didn’t.”“Why?” Junmyeon asked.“Why did I forgive you or why did I lie to him?” Jongin sat down on the edge of Sehun’s bed, right across from Junmyeon.“Both, I guess,” Junmyeon said.“I don’t know, you’ve been really gentle with me lately. I assumed that was your way of saying sorry, even if you suck at actually saying it,” Jongin said. “You are terrible at apologizing.”“I know.”“As for why I lied…” Jongin trailed off thoughtfully. “You are both acting stupid. I don’t know why Sehun is acting more offended than I am. He’s not even the one you yelled at. I get that Sehun’s trying to be a good friend and all, but he won’t stop moping around. He misses you, even if he won’t admit it. So, I decided to do both of you the favor.”“You don’t usually meddle in other people’s affairs,” Junmyeon frowned.“I’m not meddling. I’m just… helping out,” Jongin gave Junmyeon a sheepish smile.“I don’t know if that’s enough this time,” Junmyeon said bitterly.“Well,” Jongin shrugged. “It’s a start. The rest is on your hands.”〰Junmyeon let out a soft moan, his back arching gracefully as Sehun thrust into him. Sehun had never had sex with a man before, but he somehow knew just where to touch Junmyeon to turn him into a sweaty, writhing mess. Sehun’s hands gripped Junmyeon’s above his head, Junmyeon’s legs wrapped tightly around his waist; it was the closest they had ever been. Their breaths intermingled as they inhaled and exhaled, in and out, following the rhythm set by their bodies.Junmyeon opened his mouth, a low sound slipping past his lips before Sehun silenced it with a closed mouthed kiss. They could be as loud as they wanted, they had the hotel room all to themselves, but habit had them trying to remain as quiet as possible.“I love you,” Sehun panted against Junmyeon’s lips. Their foreheads were pressed together, and Sehun freed one of his hands and trailed it sensually down Junmyeon’s body, making him shudder and take a deep fortifying breath. I love you too, Junmyeon wanted to say, but his words turned into a quiet groan when Sehun grabbed his cock.He jacked Junmyeon off firmly, every upstroke matching the times Sehun pulled out and every downstroke coinciding with the moment their hips met once again. Sehun had previous knowledge of how Junmyeon liked to be fucked, of when and where to aim to have Junmyeon seeing stars. Junmyeon had thought that Sehun’s fingers were the best thing about him, but right now he could be convinced otherwise.“You are so gorgeous,” Junmyeon rasped in disbelief, carding his free hand through Sehun’s sweaty hair.Sehun stared at him like he wanted to devour him, swallow him whole. It seemed that no matter how close they were, it still wasn’t close enough for Sehun. He fucked him desperately, like Junmyeon was the only thing keeping him tethered to Earth and he couldn’t let him go. He stared deep in Junmyeon’s eyes, and Junmyeon felt exposed, laid bare, naked in more ways than one. He didn’t know what Sehun saw in his eyes, if maybe he saw the clear adoration there, or if instead he was seeing how frightened and overwhelmed Junmyeon suddenly was. So full of love that he felt ready to burst, but with a climbing tension that predicted an ending that was sure to come.“I can’t,” Junmyeon whispered into the hot air between them. He felt something coil low on his stomach, taut and ready to snap with just a flick of Sehun’s wrist.“You can’t what?” Sehun asked, pressing open mouthed kisses onto Junmyeon’s cheeks. It wasn’t until then that Junmyeon realized he was crying, so overwhelmed with pleasure and love that tears were trailing down his face.“I can’t, I’m gonna come,” Junmyeon said through the thick knot in his throat.Sehun smiled -smug, and in love, and beautiful- and all it took were two more tugs before Junmyeon came all over his hand. Sehun stopped thrusting, pulling out carefully and kissing Junmyeon through the aftershocks. His hands moved down to his own cock, his eyes never leaving Junmyeon’s except to squeeze tightly shut once pleasure overtook him. Sehun came quietly, and let his body slump heavy on top of Junmyeon, wondering why they hadn’t both worn condoms to avoid the mess he was currently lying in.“We should do that again later,” Junmyeon said, his fingers playing with Sehun’s hair. He let his hand tickle the skin on the back of Sehun’s head, smiling widely when the younger man made a lazy sound of protest.“Next time, you do all the work,” Sehun complained.Junmyeon chuckled, looking down at the head resting on top of his chest— right over his heart. “Deal.”〰“Can we talk?” Junmyeon asked.Sehun stopped in his tracks, his shoulders tensing at the unexpected question. It was the first time Junmyeon had spoken to him outside of a work setting in weeks. Junmyeon watched nervously as Sehun seemed to steel himself, and he blamed himself for the tense slope of Sehun’s shoulders.“What is there to talk about?” Sehun asked. He was still wearing his workout clothes, his hair sweaty and sticking to his forehead. Junmyeon had noticed he’d been hitting the gym more often lately. He could tell it was in an effort to limit the time they had to spend together.It had been days since Jongin had confronted him, and the entire time Junmyeon tried to come up with ways to talk to Sehun. In the end he couldn’t come up with anything, so he decided that maybe honesty would be the best option.“Us,” Junmyeon said.Sehun didn’t respond, instead he laid his gym bag by his bed, throwing himself on the mattress. He made no move to face Junmyeon.“I know things have been awkward between us,” Junmyeon started, he ignored Sehun’s scoff. “That’s my fault. I should have been more honest with you.”“Don’t you think it’s a little too late to be saying all of this?” Sehun said, eyes trained on the ceiling. He didn’t sound upset or anything, in fact there wasn’t any inflection in his voice at all.“I hope not,” Junmyeon said sincerely. That caught Sehun’s attention and his dark impassive eyes met Junmyeon’s apologetic ones. “I’m sorry.”Sehun raised an eyebrow and Junmyeon got the distinct feeling that Sehun wouldn’t make this talk an easy one.“For what?”Junmyeon swallowed thickly. “Everything. For being jealous, for not talking to you, for making you feel like I was ashamed of you— like I was ashamed of us . For disregarding your feelings and not taking your desires into account,” Junmyeon quieted considerably, his eyes dropping to the floor. “For letting you go without a fight.”Sehun watched him quietly for a few seconds and then, nonchalantly, he said, “okay.”Junmyeon’s eyebrows furrowed at the ease with which Sehun accepted his apology. “Okay?”“Okay,” Sehun nodded. “I accept your apology.”“Just like that?”“Just like that.”“We’re good?”“We’re good,” Sehun stood up from his bed, and Junmyeon felt hope bloom small and delicate right in the center of his chest. At least, until Sehun started walking away.“Wait, where are you going?” Junmyeon asked, confused.“Out.”“Out where?”“I accepted your apology Junmyeon and I said we are all good but,” Sehun started. “I don’t owe you any explanations. Not anymore.”“What?” Junmyeon asked dumbly.“I’ll see you later,” Sehun said with a vacant smile, the bedroom door shutting quietly behind him as he left the room.Junmyeon stared at the door in confusion for several moments, before his feet moved to follow after Sehun of their own volition. Sehun was pulling on some walking shoes hurriedly, not even bothering to do up the laces, his movements jerky and clumsy. Junmyeon caught Sehun by the elbow and spun him around, unsurprised to see Sehun’s eyebrows deeply furrowed in what was obviously irritation.“What?” Sehun snapped.“We weren’t done,” Junmyeon said. He sounded unsure, and Sehun rolled his eyes at Junmyeon’s tone.“We talked, you apologized,” Sehun pulled his arm from Junmyeon’s grip moving as if to turn around again. “We were done.”“No,” Junmyeon said, firmer this time. He grabbed Sehun’s elbow once more, making sure they were face to face. He wasn’t sure about what he was doing, but he was sure that he couldn’t just let Sehun leave. If he
left something would irreparably break. So, Junmyeon
decided to let it all go- to say what he meant and let his heart speak for once- to hell with the consequences.
“Okay, then what was there left to be said?” Sehun’s eyebrows rose, and Junmyeon was surprised at how confrontational and antagonistic Sehun was being.Throughout their time apart Sehun had treated him impartially, and with utmost professionalism. Clearly, he had just been bottling everything up.“I,” Junmyeon wracked his brain for something to say, something he hadn’t already apologized for. “I miss you.”Sehun watched him in silence, and with every passing second Sehun’s shoulders seemed to slump more and more. “You can’t just say that.”“Why not?” Junmyeon asked. “It’s the truth.”“Because,” Sehun seemed so small, all the fight had left his body as quickly as it came. “I’ll believe you.”“You should,” Junmyeon said. “I’m not lying.”“But what does the truth matter, when you are just going to pretend we are nothing as soon as I forgive you?”Junmyeon gulped heavily, guilt was a heavy stone sitting in the pit of his stomach. “We weren’t nothing. I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I love you.”“But not enough.”“That’s not true,” Junmyeon argued.“Then why can’t you just-!” Sehun cut himself off ripping himself from Junmyeon’s grip violently. He pressed the heels of his hands onto his eyes. “You can’t expect me to go back to you and have everything be as it was before.”Junmyeon watched as Sehun took a deep breath before he lowered his eyes, and he was relieved to see that Sehun wasn’t crying. Instead, he looked resigned- tired- like the words that he was saying were a physical weight he had to carry.“It wasn’t healthy Junmyeon,” Sehun frowned. “You weren’t happy… I wasn’t happy.”“I was,” Junmyeon denied.“In the beginning maybe,” Sehun said, he looked so sad. “What you were doing, shouldering everything, keeping your emotions to yourself… that was hurting both of us.”“I know.”“Then how could you possibly expect me to believe that you miss me? When being with me made you so unhappy.”“Because I love you,” Junmyeon said, simply. “I love you, and I’ve loved you for so long that I don’t know how to stop. I don’t want to stop.”“We should.”“No,” Junmyeon refused. “I want to hold your hand in public, I want to kiss you whenever I feel like it, I want to fuck you,” Junmyeon cornered Sehun against a wall, caging him in his arms. “And not worry about anyone hearing us.”Sehun’s breathing was shaky, and Junmyeon could smell the spearmint from his favorite chewing gum in his breath. This proximity was so familiar, and yet he hadn’t let himself have it for so long. He let his pride and stubbornness get in the way of the one thing he loved the most.“You know we can’t.”“I know,” Junmyeon agreed. “But I can at least hold your hand when we are at home. I can kiss you in this apartment and not worry about being judged.”Sehun’s eyes met Junmyeon’s and Junmyeon saw the hope there. The same hope that his own eyes mirrored.“You were right.”“About?” Sehun asked, as if he didn’t already know.“Everything,” Junmyeon answered anyway. “I miss you. Let me be with you again. Give me a chance to prove to you that I’m not ashamed of us.”Sehun hesitated before speaking, “you have to talk to me. You can’t let something like this happen again. I don’t like jealousy and I won’t forgive you if you hurt someone’s feelings because you can’t just grow up and talk to me.”“Okay, I promise,” Junmyeon said, his nose hovering just below Sehun’s own.“And you have to promise you won’t keep me in hiding again. I’m not your ‘kept man’ Junmyeon, I’m not some dirty little secret. I’ll let you decide how you want to come out, I’ll give you however long you may need. But, you can’t expect me to just be someone you love behind closed doors. Not again.”“I understand,” Junmyeon pressed his nose to Sehun’s and his eyes fluttered closed.“And promise me, that if I ever do something that makes you feel insecure in our relationship or upsets you in any way, you will tell me,” Sehun said. He was always so concerned for Junmyeon’s well-being, so caring and considerate, everything Junmyeon has ever wanted for himself.“I promise,” Junmyeon said right before they fell into a kiss.They kissed hungrily, angrily, releasing all their longing and frustrations into the kiss. Junmyeon stood on the tips of his bare toes, Sehun pulled him up by his jaw— it was uncomfortable, but Junmyeon never wanted to let go.“We’ll work on it,” Sehun said and Junmyeon nodded his assent.〰Being an idol and maintaining a happy, healthy, and functioning relationship was a challenge. Nobody knew that better than Junmyeon.But, Sehun made all the hard work worth it.