Work Text
his eyes were like
rare gemstones
that i
dug up
and shined to
perfectionhis smile was like
the sun
and
the rain
going out for a walk
creating a ray of light
across everything it passedhis attitude was like
someone took
a smooth stone and
sharpened it
until it could
k
i
l
lbut that
hardly mattered,
because,
after all,
his laugh was like
music
to my earsbut probably my ears
onlyhis voice was
dark purple with
a hint
of grey,
a shade of sadness that
was always
lingering but
never quite
showed itself
but I didn’t notice it
especially not when
my name was
on his lips
spoken in that
wonderful
tone of hisaradia
often warned me that
if I got too
close to him
in my mind
i’d lose
a grip on reality and
one day
i’d just walk
right up to him
and kiss him
without reallyrealizing“sollux,
i think
you’re going
c
r
a
z
y”and i am
all too
awarebut eridan ampora,
the asshole in
my second period algebra II class
is my
only addiction
and my
only medication
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all in all
nothing is
quite the same when
he isn’t at schoolbecause everything gets
a little more boring and
everyone gets
a little more annoying
and it’s sort of
odd
not having him around
to annoy me himselfbut
it allows me
to get a little more work donethink about other thingspay attention in classeatbecause when someone isn’t there
it’s
sometimes
easier to
forget
that they’re even real
at allsometimeswhen he’s back
the next day
i always feel
my heart speed up and
when he
looks at me
it’s like
the feeling i get
when i light a
new cigarette
after being clean for
four weeks - exhilaratingexcitingcalmingd
i
s
a
p
p
o
i
n
t
i
n
g
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karkattold me that in kindergartenhewouldn’t letanyone else on the playgroundbecause hewas theprince of it andeveryone else wasbelow himand if i saidthis surprised mei’d be lyinghe’salways acting betterthan everyone elsebut maybethat’s becausehe isbut every oncein a whilei’ll spot himwith hishead downhis defenses loweredand once i was surei even sawa teardrip down thoseperfect cheeks“this isstupid, sollux,he isn’t evenyourtype”karkat tries to saybut i don’tlisteni don’t have a typethere isn’t aneed for onebecausethey’reuseless andtheymake myoptions smallerbut inorder toplease everyone,i askfeferi peixes out to thefall dancebut ididn’t know eridan used to think of heras i nowthink ofhim
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the dancewasn’t anythingspectaculara simpleback-to-school-even-though-we’ve-been-back-for-three-monthstype thingit wasn’tanythingto getworked upaboutbut theygot worked upaboutiteridan tookvriska serket to thefalldancefeferi woreaball gownshe wasmagnificent at dancingbut i couldn’t get into itcouldn’t get into herbecauseall i could get intowas howhis hips movedhalfway acrossthe gymwhile he was dancing withherand near the end of the dancehimselfi almostwent overandasked himto dancebut he seemedupsetand idon’t knowhow to dealwithupsethe leftbefore anyone elseand the next dayi saw vriska walkinghand-in-handwithtavros nitram
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feferi and ikept seeing each otherafter thatjust a few times butit was enough foreridan to noticeapparentlythey werebest friendsuntil she camecrying to meone sunday“sollux, he hates me,why does he hate me?”and my answer was“he likes you,feferi, can’t you see?”but shesaidhe got over heryears beforeand i stared at herand replied“he mustlike youagainit isn’t that big of a deal”and shenoddedand smiled thatwidesmile of hersand i secretly hopedthat he wasjealousof herinstead of me
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i asked feferi toofficially become mygirlfrienda few days agoi cant help but wonderwhethereridan knowsabout thisor notfrom what shes told methey havent spokenin weeksmy voicetells me to tell herthat she doesnt deservesuch a good friendso i dobut my mindtells methat its agood thingtheyre not hanging outanymorebecause thenhewould start tolike heragainand iam fallingmoreandmoreforeridan amporaand the thoughtthat his heart belongsto someoneother thanmemakes mewant todie
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eridanfound outabout ourrelationshipduring thethird monthi only knewbecause he wasespecially quietsuddenlyand im surei saw himat his lockerwhen feferi and i passed it holding handshe hasnt saidanythingto menot evenan insultbutas far as i knowhe hasnt spoken tofeferi eitherso im notsure whether hes mad,sad,jealous,or stubborni cant readeridan amporas expressionsbut i canread my ownand ifeellikeshit
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eridan amporaloves scienceeridan amporaloves coldplaytherefore,eridan amporas favorite song isthe scientistbycoldplayi only found outthat hes going to thecoldplay concertbecausevriskastarted talking to himagainand shetold methat he was obsessed with themand that feferi got himticketsas an apologyshe wasapologizingfor somethingshe didnt know she didfeferi called me upcryingand saidthat he told herhes still going to the concertbut he doesntacceptherapologythis got meangryfor more reasons thanone:1)he hurtfeferi2)hes an asshole3)i wishi was the onewho got him ticketsso i couldtake him to the concertjust himand meand a band i didnt know existedoutside ofviva la vida
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i ended upgetting ticketsto thecoldplay concertthey are nota bandi used tolisten toregularly,so wheni wenti knewhardly any of the wordsto any of the songssave for, the chorus ofparadiseandviva la vidaandfix youi saweridanbecause it waskind of hard not tohis bodywas mappedin my mindperfectlyand accurately but whenmy eyeswere upon himall i feltwas angeri ran up to him,grabbed his arm,and threw himto the groundbeforekicking himagainandagaini turned my headto see thatthe lead singer was still singing,his piercing blue eyesscanning a random part of the crowd,apparently notnoticing thateridan amporawas laying on the ground,staring up at melike the most confusedand innocentand pitiful creaturethat everlivedas i ran,i heard just a few lyricsbefore theystopped singingbecause someone screamed“tell me your secrets/and ask me your questions/oh, let’s go back to the start/running in circles/coming in tails/heads on a science apart”
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i didnt go to schoolfor a few days,faking a feverand throwing upmy breakfastso my mother worried her pretty little head offand told me tostay in bedand not movea musclelittle did she knowthat i no longerwanted to moveanythingthat was attachedto my bodymy bodywas the bodythat landederidan amporain the hospitaland ihated itstill,i was not in jailand thatsurprised mefeferi found out aboutwhat happenedand she told methateridandidn’t rat me outlike he should haveshe is notangry at me,in fact,she thinkseridan didsomethingto mebecausehe told herhe didand my tiny,irrelevant,idiotic braincannotcomprehendwhy
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when i finallyreturned to schooleridan was nowhere to be seenhe wasnt in mysecond period algebra II classand it wasweirdto have an empty deskat the front of the roombecause i had becomeso accustomedto staring at the back of his headinstead of taking down notesfeferiand isat togetherat lunchlike alwayswe sat with herpopular friendsand nothingwas out of the usualthereon a tuesdaytwo weeks after i hadattacked eridanduring his favorite songat a concertof his favorite bandhe appeared again,a bandagearound his headand his lipstill slashed openwhile everyonetauntedand teased him(includingfeferi)istayed quietand didnt make eye contactand hewalked onacting likehe was the only personin his littlepompousworld
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the first time
i finally spoke
to eridan
was completely
and utterly
on accidenthe
bumped into me
on the way
out of the
front doors
at the end of the day
on a fridayhe dropped
his phone,
and i
could hear
the sharp inhale
as he
looked down at itquickly,
he picked it up
and inspected it,
only to find that it was okay,
and then
promptly turned
towards me"do you
know
how expensive
this is?"
he snapped,
eyes
meeting mine
before widening i
simply stared
basically
frozen
as i watched the clockwork
in his head
begin
to work"i'm sorry"
was the
only thing
i said,
but i think
we both knew
i wasn't talking
about
the
phonehe shook
his head
and mumbled,
"i wish
i could believe you"
before turning and
walking offi watched
his head duck down
as he passed people and
for once in my life
i wish
i had caught up
to eridan ampora
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
that night,i went homeand broke upwith feferii'm not surewhy i did,exactly,but i do knowthat i couldn'tkeep lyingto hershe didn't respondright awaybut when she didit was a tiny,barely audible, "okay"and the next thingi knewi was listeningto my phone'sstaticidid notsleep wellinstead,i lay in bedstaringat my ceilingand making facesout of the shapesthat rested therei finallylulled myself to sleepwhen all of those facescontorted themselvesto matcheridan's faceexactly
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overthe weekendvriska messaged meon facebooktelling me thateridan wasmovingsooni staredat the screenand replied with a"why did you tell me?why do you think i care?"there wasa pausebut soonshe replied with"oh, pleasedon't tryto be proud;it's obviousyou have a thingfor ampora"along withapproximatelyeight winky facesi continuedto stareuntil myvision blurredand i feltlike breakingmy laptopin twobut i didntand insteadasked"where?"because i wasntsure i could barethe thoughtthat he'd befar away from me"scotland"came the wordson the screena few secondslaterand askinghow she knewwasn't evenon my mindbecause i was too preoccupiedin thinkingof ripping outmy hairafter closingthe tabi slammedmy computer shutand staredat the walluntilthe shapes in itblinked at meand grinned at meand yelled at meafter enduringtheir screamingfor as longas i thoughti could handle,i closed my eyesand screamed backuntil my dad came inand asked meif iwasokay"sure,"i said"i'm okayi'm okay."