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CRABTREE enters a sparsely-populated Café René.CRABTREE: Good moaning.An exasperated RENÉ looks up from the bar. With him are YVETTE, MIMI and EDITH.YVETTE: It’s that English idiot who thinks he can speak French.RENÉ (sighing): Good moaning.CRABTREE nods nonchalantly at the last German soldier as he leaves the Café, then hurries over to RENÉ.CRABTREE: Ronnie, we have a priblem!RENÉ: Priblem?YVETTE: He means problem.RENÉ: What a surprise. What is this ‘priblem’?CRABTREE: Michelle has been nibbled by the Gestoopoo!RENÉ: Well, I suppose even hardened Resistance fighters like a quick cuddle every now and then.But YVETTE is shocked by the news.YVETTE: He means nabbed! By the Gestapo!Everyone is horrified by the news.RENÉ: What?!MIMI: How did it happen?CRABTREE: She was cit rodding her bocycle by the monitions damp, during a scatting mission.RENÉ: My God, no wonder they arrested her.EDITH: Do they know who she is?CRABTREE: No, not yet, but it is only a matter of tom before she creaks and rovolls all of our sockrets!RENÉ: Who is Tom?EDITH: He means time. Why didn’t she take one of her little suicide pills?RENÉ (brandishing the rings on his fingers): Probably because she has given them all to me!MIMI: What can we do?RENÉ hurries over to the till and rings it open, then starts pulling out francs.EDITH: René, what are you doing?!RENÉ: I am legging it for the border, before she spills everything and we are all shot!EDITH: René! You coward! How could you?! How ungallant of you, the Hero of the Resistance, to scupper like a chicken when she needs us!RENÉ: We wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place, if it was not for her and her hare-brained plans! Time and again I have told her that she will eventually lead us all to ruin, and sadly I have finally been proven true. I will have no part in this madness anymore! Send her my regards from Spain!RENÉ’s rush toward the door is stopped when HENRIETTE, MICHELLE’s lieutenant, walks in, gun in hand. More girls of the Resistance troop inside behind her, blocking the exit.HENRIETTE: René, where are you going?RENÉ: Ah, I… I was just coming over to tell you all the bad nose; I mean, news.HENRIETTE puts away her gun, crestfallen.HENRIETTE: Yes, we know already. Michelle is being held prisoner in the Gestapo’s secret headquarters. We have just been over there. We thought to make a daring raid to break her out, but could not even get close enough to try. It is crawling with Germans!CRABTREE: We are up the crik without a piddle!RENÉ: I could not have said it any better myself.EDITH: Wait, I have a plan!RENÉ: Edith, we are already in enough trouble as it is!HENRIETTE: What is this plan of yours, Madame Edith?RENÉ: Oh heck. Don’t go encouraging her.EDITH huddles over the bar, gesturing everyone closer. All do, save for RENÉ.EDITH: Listen very carefully; I shall say this only once.RENÉ looks at audience.RENÉ: Well, I’ve been executed once before and lived to tell the tale. Perhaps it gets easier the second time ‘round.RENÉ reluctantly joins the others.
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EDITH and YVETTE are clearing tables in front of the Café René as HELGA approaches.HELGA: Good evening, Madame Edith.EDITH: Ah, Helga. Your usual?HELGA (sighs): Yes. A table for one.EDITH: What about Herr Flick? It seems like ages since you two reserved the back room for dinner.HELGA: Yes, indeed. His work keeps him busy. It is hard work, being feared, you know.YVETTE: I can hardly imagine it.EDITH: Ah, well, never mind, there’s always tomorrow. We are quite full tonight, but ask at the bar; I’m sure René can find room for you.HELGA: Thank you, Madame Edith.After HELGA enters the café, EDITH gestures at YVETTE to run over to CRABTREE’s office, on the other side of the plaza. With YVETTE gone, EDITH peers inside the café, through the front window.HELGA enters to a crowded Café René, mostly filled with the undercover girls of the French Resistance. As she pauses at the entrance, RENÉ spots her and waves her to join him by the bar. She makes her way through the crowds.HELGA: Business is good tonight, I see.RENÉ: Yes, indeed, but I feel bad that such a good customer cannot find a seat at a table. Mimi, a drink for this lovely lady, compliments of the house.HELGA (taking the proffered drink from MIMI): Thank you, René.HELGA downs the glass in one quick swallow. RENE’s eyebrows rise in surprise.RENÉ: Tough day at the office?HELGA: All the shouting tends to wear one down. At some point you’d think the Colonel would invest in an intercom.RENÉ pours out another drink for HELGA.RENÉ: Do go on. YVETTE rushes into CRABTREE’s police station.YVETTE: She is inside the café!CRABTREE: I will gove Ronnie a rong!CRABTREE picks up a nearby phone and dials.CRABTREE: It is not wiking!YVETTE: What?CRABTREE: My fin is dodd! It has coked the backet! EDITH sees YVETTE’s frantic waving from across the square, and looks into the café again, to see RENÉ and HELGA still chatting at the bar.EDITH (muttering to herself): Something has been bunged up. Must I do everything myself?EDITH rushes around the front of the café, entering the back room through the back alleyway.EDITH: Rrrrrring! Rrrrrring! Rrrrring!Behind the bar, RENÉ’s eyes widen in disbelief.EDITH (more insistent): Rrrrrring! Rrrrrring! Rrrrring!RENÉ: Oh my god.HELGA: Your phone sounds very strange, René.RENÉ: Yes, it is a very daft model. Please excuse me while I answer that exceedingly old and tone-deaf thing.RENÉ bows slightly before rushing through the back doorway, not closing it quite completely. He stops EDITH just as she is about to call out again.RENÉ (whispering fiercely): Enough! You’ll start the dogs howling again!EDITH whacks him on the upper arm.EDITH (whispering): Just do your part!EDITH departs out the back window. RENÉ picks up the phone.RENÉ: Hello, Café René. Who is this? (pauses while walking closer to the doorway) Michelle? (voice lowers) Haven’t I told you not to call me here? What is so urgent that you had to call me here, of all places? Make it quick, someone might be listening. (pauses) What? A German? You’re throwing me over for a German?!HELGA has been inadvertently eavesdropping on RENÉ’s ‘conversation’ through the half-opened door to the back room. Her eyes widen.RENÉ: Fine! Go and have your kicks with this Gestapo officer while he ‘interrogates’ you in his dungeon!HELGA goes livid as she connects the dots. She storms out of the café, with nary a glance as she brushes past GRUBER as he enters.GRUBER shakes his head at the departing HELGA.GRUBER (to himself): Now where is she going off to in such a state?GRUBER looks around at all the undercover Resistance girls seated at the tables.GRUBER (to himself): Oh dear, this place does not look inviting at all.But spotting the empty spot at the bar recently vacated by HELGA, GRUBER sighs to himself and makes his way over. The girls watch him warily, but he fastidiously avoids them all. As he looks around for RENÉ, GRUBER hears him continuing his phone ‘conversation’.RENÉ: But once he leaves you, do not expect to come crawling back to me! I will have moved on to the next one in the queue! Even now, they are forming a line outside my door! I will snap my fingers for the next one!GRUBER looks around, sees that no one else is near, smiles slightly, and moves closer to the door.RENÉ hangs up the phone, then walks back into the bar. Expecting to still see HELGA, he is surprised by the sight of GRUBER.GRUBER: Why, hello, René!Beaming, GRUBER gingerly snaps his fingers.
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HERR FLICK’s underground office. MICHELLE is seated, disguised as a post mistress, glasses perched on her nose. HERR FLICK is seated behind his desk, across from her. VON SMALLHAUSEN stands by his side.HERR FLICK studies some papers on his desk, then without warning directs the blindingly bright light of a desk lamp into MICHELLE’s eyes.HERR FLICK: What were you doing next to the munitions dump, peasant?!MICHELLE: My job, Monsieur. Delivering the mail. I am the post mistress from the next village over.HERR FLICK: I find that very hard to believe, 'post mistress'. von Smallhausen, the mailbag!VON SMALLHAUSEN: Yes, Herr Flick.VON SMALLHAUSEN hands HERR FLICK a dish with a boiled potato on it.HERR FLICK: What is this, von Smallhausen?VON SMALLHAUSEN: Sorry, Herr Flick. Hunger has confused me; that is to be my dinner tonight. Here is the mailbag.HERR FLICK disgustedly gives the potato back to VON SMALLHAUSEN in exchange for the mailbag, then rifles through and pulls out a letter at random, opening it.MICHELLE (gasping): Monsieur, it is a crime to open a letter not addressed to you!VON SMALLHAUSEN: You’re in trouble now, Herr Flick.HERR FLICK: Shut up, von Smallhausen! We are the Gestapo; we can do whatever we want!VON SMALLHAUSEN silently makes a ‘big head’ gesture.HERR FLICK: This letter addressed from Mademoiselle Trina to Monsieur Cason has nothing but a blank piece of paper inside of it.MICHELLE (shrugging): I expect she is still mad at him today.HERR FLICK: And this letter here is addressed from Napoleon to Josephine.MICHELLE: We get a lot of mail, Monsieur. Some letters regrettably slip through the cracks. "Better late than never" is our motto.VON SMALLHAUSEN (sighing): It is my motto as well.HERR FLICK (picking another letter at random): The Dauphin to Joan of Arc?MICHELLE: Oops.There is a loud knock on the door.HERR FLICK: von Smallhausen! The door!VON SMALLHAUSEN limps to the top of the stairs.VON SMALLHAUSEN: Go away!But instead the door slams open, hitting VON SMALLHAUSEN and shoving him into the wall. An upset HELGA marches in through the doorway.HERR FLICK (rising from his chair): Helga!VON SMALLHAUSEN (weakly from behind the door): She has squashed my potato.HERR FLICK: Small loss.HERR FLICK turns back to track HELGA as she strides down the stairway. A slightly crumpled VON SMALLHAUSEN emerges from behind the door and follows as well.HERR FLICK: How did you get in here?VON SMALLHAUSEN: The guards all know she is your bit of stuff, Herr Flick.HERR FLICK: Shut up, von Smallhausen! (to HELGA) What are you doing here? You know you are not allowed to come in here when I am busy with one of my interrogations!HELGA reaches the side of the desk, and looks at the seated MICHELLE in disgust.HELGA: Interrogation! So the rumors at the café were true! You are consorting with French peasant women of the opposite sex!MICHELLE stirs slightly at mention of the café.HERR FLICK: Do not be ridiculous, Helga! Near-sighted, big-boned French peasant girls are below my station.MICHELLE (offended): Big-boned? Does this look big-boned to you, Monsieur?MICHELLE stands and lifts her skirts slightly to reveal her long legs. VON SMALLHAUSEN is flustered by the sight.VON SMALLHAUSEN: She is not beneath my station, Herr Flick.HERR FLICK: Shut up, von Smallhausen. She is too much for you, and you know it.VON SMALLHAUSEN (looking up at the taller MICHELLE, and sighing): This is true.HELGA: I will not stand for this any longer, Herr Flick!HERR FLICK sniffs the air.HERR FLICK: Helga, have you been drinking?HELGA (ignoring the question): Either she leaves, or I do!HERR FLICK: Helga, this is official Gestapo business! You cannot give the Gestapo drunken ultimatums!VON SMALLHAUSEN: We give the drunken ultimatums!HERR FLICK: And we are close. Very close. I can feel it in my Gestapo boots! Very well, Helga... you may stay for the interrogation if you wish, for that is what it is, and I shall show you how mistaken you are.HERR FLICK turns back to the still standing MICHELLE, and begins to circle methodically around her. She watches him warily.HERR FLICK: Your stories do not add up, 'post mistress'. I suggest you talk... before we are forced to move on to more... shall we say, interesting methods of getting what we want. von Smallhausen, the Gestapo cupboard!VON SMALLHAUSEN: Yes, Herr Flick!MICHELLE: Enough! Enough! I cannot continue this deception any longer!HERR FLICK (triumphant): Finally! I knew it! They always crack at the cupboard. von Smallhausen, your notebook!VON SMALLHAUSEN fumbles for pencil and paper, as MICHELLE breaks down into tears, collapsing into her chair.MICHELLE: It is true; I am not a post mistress. It is all a lie. I was cycling… by the munitions dump…HERR FLICK: Yes? Yes?MICHELLE: …because I wanted to be caught.Breathing heavily now, MICHELLE stares at HERR FLICK.MICHELLE: And brought here. To see you.HERR FLICK: What?VON SMALLHAUSEN (reading from notes): Because I wanted to be caught and brought here to see you.HERR FLICK: Shut up, von Smallhausen!MICHELLE: I… I love you, Otto.HELGA is furious. HERR FLICK is mortified.HERR FLICK: No one calls me Otto!VON SMALLHAUSEN: Not even his own mother calls him Otto!MICHELLE: Do what you will to me, Otto. Any torture you wish to put me through now is nothing, compared to the torture of not seeing you, not being around you, not hearing your sweet voice…HELGA stands over MICHELLE, and throws up a finger pointing back up the stairs.HELGA: GET OUT!! NOW!!!Crying, MICHELLE scurries up the stairs and out of the office.HERR FLICK: Helga! I give the orders around here! Not you!HELGA glares at HERR FLICK. HERR FLICK backs down.HERR FLICK: Crazy, lovesick French peasant girl, wasting the Gestapo’s valuable time like that. Good riddance. Make a note, von Smallhausen, that that one is never allowed in here again.VON SMALLHAUSEN: Yes, Herr Flick.Appeased, HELGA suddenly seems aware of the temerity of what she has done.HELGA: Excuse me, Herr Flick. I… I do not know what had come over me.HERR FLICK: Indeed. No matter. I suppose this is the price we must pay to enjoy the fine, strong German womanhood which warms our otherwise lonely nights.VON SMALLHAUSEN: Can I pay as well, Herr Flick?HERR FLICK: Shut up.HELGA: Vanquishing a rival for your affections has filled my body with a strange, thrilling passion, which threatens to overcome me, Herr Flick. May I kiss you?HERR FLICK: Yes. von Smallhausen, avert your eyes!
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The dimly lit main room of Café René, now closed for the night. RENÉ, EDITH, and a slightly disheveled MICHELLE are seated at a table.MICHELLE: I have had some narrow escapes in the past, but this time I thought I was really done for. My cover was nearly penetrated!RENÉ (daydreaming at the thought): The horrors…EDITH: Those monsters! Look what they have done to you! Have they no decency?MICHELLE clutches her slightly torn dress about the neckline closer to herself.MICHELLE: Actually, the cursed Germans were not responsible for this. Henriette and the other girls were just… (clears throat awkwardly) happy to have me back.RENÉ (again daydreaming at the thought): I should go to more Resistance meetings…EDITH: It must have been horrible, to be trapped in Herr Flick’s dungeons!MICHELLE (somber): It was, Madame Edith, it was. Never again did I think I would see the moon light my way through the darkened countryside, or hear the crickets chirping in the fields, or smell the sweet scent of the summertime lilacs.EDITH pats MICHELLE’s shoulder in sympathy.MICHELLE: But thanks to René’s courage, I live on, to fight another day.RENÉ (modestly): It was really nothing, Michelle.EDITH: It really was nothing! I came up with the whole idea; he only did what I told him to!RENÉ: Yes, but I’m the one who had to dodge Lieutenant Gruber afterwards.MICHELLE: That was indeed a cunning plan, Madame Edith, to play the hated Germans off against each other. We in the Resistance could hardly have done any better!RENÉ (to audience): Mind you, this is coming from the same girl who once disguised the two British airmen as a cow. A very fake-looking cow, as if that even needs to be mentioned.MICHELLE (also to audience): It worked, didn’t it?EDITH (beaming): Did you hear that, René?RENÉ scowls at her preening.MICHELLE: I will forever be grateful to the both of you.RENÉ: Yes, well I hope you have learned your lesson today, Michelle.MICHELLE: Oh, I have, René, I have!RENÉ: Good.MICHELLE rises from her chair.MICHELLE: The Gestapo are truly ruthless fiends! More than ever, I feel like I cannot rest one single moment, not one, until we have freed ourselves from the shackles of this nightmare, and overthrown our oppressors!Overcome by MICHELLE’s passionate words, EDITH rises to her feet as well.EDITH: Long live France! Ah, your words are so stirring to me! (to RENÉ) Is your heart not fluttering as well, René?RENÉ: That is your stomach, Edith, dealing with that thing you called a casserole for supper tonight.EDITH glares at RENÉ.RENÉ: And speaking of tonight… it is growing late, Michelle. (stands) If there is not anything else…?MICHELLE: Ah, my apologies, René. I have monopolized enough of your time already with this idle chatter, on this already long night. I will leave you two to your well-earned rest together.RENÉ (glances at EDITH): On the other hand, what's another drink or two between friends?MICHELLE: No, no. Now I must disappear, like a phantom into the night, and prepare for the next day’s work!Invigorated once more, MICHELLE is back to her old self, dashing for the back room.RENÉ: Is it too much to hope for, that the next day’s work would involve a simple, relaxing picnic in the countryside?MICHELLE pauses by the door to the back room, surprised.MICHELLE: This is amazing! You have read my mind, René!RENÉ (surprised): I… I have?MICHELLE: Yes! I know of a nice spot, a green bluff just outside of town…RENÉ: Yes, I think I know the spot! It is so beautiful at sunrise…MICHELLE: …overlooking the main railway line. We will assemble at dusk tomorrow and blow the rails all the way to Berlin! See you all there! You bring the bread; I will bring the explosives!MICHELLE disappears into the back room.RENÉ: Oh heck!-FIN-