Work Text
Like, I get it. I’m a despicable person. Fine. The world’s full of assholes, okay? So? What’re you gonna do about it? I don’t care what other people think, okay? I don’t care about Dad or Mom or my family. I don’t care what everyone else thinks. I want what I want and I’m gonna fight till I get it! Look, I just want one person to love me, okay? I just want one person to love me like—like I’m the pretty person that I am, like no one else is more important—like I’m—like I actually deserve to be loved, okay!? Why’s that so much to ask? But I’m not stupid. Even I can see that’s kind of impossible. Nothing comes easy. Nothing ever comes easy. God… why are you so fucking mean!? Fine! But you can’t be happy when I’m still suffering! You know that, don’t you—
Rei?
When god gives you a gift usually only one of two things can happen. One is that he takes it away from you sooner or later, the other is that you find out it is really a curse and now you have to live with it forever.Like my Dad. He thinks he has a gift for shogi. He’s not that good at it though. That doesn’t change the fact that he’s so obsessed with shogi he’d sacrifice his kids’ lives for it. And you know what? In the end our family broke up because of shogi. Do you see how it’s a curse?What about Rei? Yeah, that poor little boy. He thinks he has a gift for shogi and he’s right. But because of shogi he’s got no life—nothing, whatsoever. He doesn’t have a home or a family or friends or even free time. He lives for shogi. His life is only about winning and losing shogi. I mean, can you imagine that? Living your life on top of a board game? Feeling like you’re dying when you lose? Sad, right?But me, I don’t have the gift for shogi. I tried though—because I was too stupid and naïve to try. And now I hate it.You see, in shogi you take pieces out and you replace them later—basically, you take out enemies so you can turn their pieces into your allies. But even an idiot knows shogi can’t replace family. Or can it? I mean, Dad thinks we’re not good enough so he took us out and replaced us with Rei, who walked into our house one day, totally forgetting the fact that he’s the enemy, and then Rei played all goody-two-shoes thinking that we’re there to replace his family.But they’re both wrong.So, so wrong.Yeah, Rei replaced us. But we put him in hell for it. And it’s not my fault he doesn’t even live in our house anymore.And what about Dad?Oh, he’s still around. But his gift, his family, is gone. Like, way to go, Dad. You lost it all. You even lost to Rei. Hey, congrats. But I’m not like them, I’m different. I thought my curse is living with a bunch of shogi freaks but I was wrong. It’s something totally different.Guess what.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who’s the fairest of them all.
Look, I’m not blind. I remember when the boys started giving me looks in fifth grade. I remember the male teachers looking up and down my skirt in middle school. I know how men like to push against me when the train’s crowded. I’m fine with that.Cause with men all I need to do is smile and talk a little and they’ll do almost anything for me.I like being pretty. I thought I liked that kind of attention.But a gift is a curse.It’s a curse because I can’t get the things I want the most. Not even once. Not ever. One time I saw Rei, I was so happy to see him.It’s cause he looks as down and guilty as ever. I mean the poor thing can’t even look me in the eye. I didn’t have any reason to see him either but work sucked big time and people were boring me anyway, so I thought I could use a little fun. Rei though—he didn’t look like he wanted to be there at all.“Kyouko-san.” He said.“Hey.” I said.I was being nice so I waited for him to say something but Rei just opened his mouth and closed it and opened it again. He looked like a stupid fish.Fine then—if Rei wasn’t going to speak, I was going to speak for him.I said, “So, I totally wasn’t expecting you to text me first and I can’t believe it when you said you wanted to see me! Did you really miss me, Rei?”“I met Dad yesterday.”So that was what this is about.“Whaaat? That’s sooo boring.” I said. “I can’t believe we’re meeting at Starbucks just to talk about that old dude.”“Dad said to give this to you.” Rei said and he put a paper bag on the table.“What the hell is that!?”“Some health and insurance documents you need to sign. Dad said you can fax or send them by mail to him after you’ve signed them.”“Ugh, great. Thanks a lot.”“And some clothes from Mom.”“Seriously? I don’t need them!”Rei looked hurt. “Please take them, Kyouko-san. They went through the trouble of delivering these, so…”“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”I got the bag and put it in the floor, those damned stuff—I’ll just throw them away later.But even after that Rei looked like he wasn’t finished so I asked him, “What? Is there something else you wanna say?”“….Dad said you should come home for Christmas.”“No way!”Is what I said—or basically screamed, at Rei.“I’m not coming home for Christmas! Is Dad an idiot or something? I’d rather spend Christmas with like, someone I love, like you know, Gotou.”Rei cringed. I smiled.“Ohhh hold on—maybe you should come to our family Christmas, Rei!” I said. “I bet Mom and Dad will be really happy to see you! I mean Christmas just isn’t the same since you came into our place, but, it’s not like, you’re the reason our family broke up or anything!”Rei looked like he couldn’t breathe.“But oh wait, I bet you knew that already, don’t you, Rei?”Rei looked so pale, he looked like he was the sorriest boy in the world.I knew I’m being mean.I didn’t care.“Okay, time to go.” I said. I got my purse and the bag from Dad. Time to go see if Gotou was home for the night.Rei looked up at me with sad, sad eyes.“I’ll see you next time, Rei.” I smiled.I didn’t wait for him to say anything, cause I knew he’d watch me from the side and say nothing, like he always did. The last time I saw Rei, he didn’t even see me. He was in a hurry. I saw him walking with groceries from across the street. It was weird because I remembered his apartment had an empty fridge.He went into a bakery and got a box of four cream puffs. When he got out, he had to run through the rain, cause his hands were so full that he couldn’t get his umbrella.He had a weird expression on his face. He looked really calm, like he was almost smiling. I’d never seen that kind of face on him. He was looking straight ahead when he ran towards the bridge, he didn’t even notice me, and I didn’t call out to him for some reason.I got it just by looking.It was a different Rei than the Rei I knew.It hurt me. I saw him leave and it hurt me. What? You think you can be happy? You think you can be happy just by crossing that bridge, Rei!? Okay, okay, fine! I know! That’s not it! That’s not… Look, cause the truth is I’m jealous. I’m jealous and I’m sad and lonely. You’re not here anymore, Rei. You’re not here for me anymore. You never were. You tried, though. And I thought it was normal after the way you screwed us all up. …but you’re not enough for me. You know, when I was little I dreamed I’d climb out my bedroom window and become a white bird with really strong wings, so I can fly away forever from a home where nobody cares about me. Then I’ll fly around and around the city and never settle down until I find somebody to love who loves me back. I thought if I can find that one person then I’ll be happy. But really that’s just fucking stupid of me. Cause the person I love isn’t even mine. But I still want him. I want more of him. I want his time, I want his attention, I want his hands, I want his eyes, I want, want, want, and won’t stop. I’ll do anything for him even if it’s standing in the cold for hours or picking up his laundry or buying stuff for his— I know it’s wrong to fuck around like that. So? I don’t care. I love him. But now he won’t even look at me. He’s in a place I can’t reach and I can’t even make him look at me anymore. But I still want him and it’s tearing me apart. But I’m not gonna let it go—I swear, I’m gonna stay, and I’m gonna fight my way in! Like I’m just gonna stop loving him cause he’s—Fuck.
Fuck.
Even I can see I’m stupid when I’m desperate, okay!? I’m selfish and I’m screwed and I’ll break my heart into pieces again and I’m never gonna feel like it’s enough but I’m still gonna love, okay?I still want to be loved.I still want to be here.I’m gonna stay by his side. I’m gonna make him happy. I’m not gonna stop fighting. I’m going to look so ugly cause I keep breaking my heart over and over again but hey, it’s my life, it’s my fucking life, okay!? And I want it! I just… How am I gonna keep going if the person I want doesn’t even want me anymore? How do I live when nothing’s ever enough for me— When nothing’s ever… Wishing isn’t going to make anything come true, I know that. But still…