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[Epilogue - Flint and Steel]
An excitable three year old missile crashed into my left leg at speed and caromed off, being chased by other missiles of similar age and screaming like banshees. I nearly toppled over as the force of the passing herd blew by. Of course it would be my son inciting a riot at his own birthday party. You only turn three once, after all.
“Henry Lopez Weaver!
Calmate, por favor
!,” I barked in Spanish. I started learning the language shortly after his mother, my wife Sandy, died. It's been two years since I lost her and ever since it's just been me and Henry. He doesn't really remember Sandy, so I wanted to try to give him as much as his mother's culture as I could. At one point, after Sandy’s death, I considered moving away from Chicago and starting over. I couldn't bear to take Henry away from his tio Carlos, his abuela, or the rest of Sandy’s family.
“
Si
, mama,” he sheepishly replied as he settled in at a small table with three other little boys and two little girls to cram their faces full of birthday cake. I worked on my own piece of cake for a while, lost in my thoughts, until Henry’s voice rang out.
“Aunt Susan! Aunt Abby!” My head snapped up to see Henry jumping up and jetting over to where Susan and Abby had just walked in, Abby bearing a large wrapped gift. Susan scooped up Henry in a whirlwind hug, earning a squeal of delight from my son. They had watched Henry a lot as I recovered my mobility after surgery, and he adored them.
The feeling was mutual, as they adored him too.
“Happy birthday buddy!,” she cooed, setting his squirmy little body back down. Abby had set the gift wrapped burden down and scooped Henry up for a hug of her own before he zoomed back to his friends and cake.
“Thanks for coming to his birthday party,” I greeted, as they sat across from me. Five years ago, I wouldn't have said that I’d be close to either of these women, but uniting against Romano can forge strong friendships apparently. They were there for me when I had my miscarriage, when Henry was born, when Sandy died, and when I had the hip replacement that finally freed me from my crutch. I even made them promise me they'd see after my son if anything happened to me during surgery.
“Are you kidding? Like we’d miss any occasion that included Henry and chocolate cake,” Abby replied with a smirk.
“Yeah! Abby and I have some good news, so who better to celebrate it with than you and Henry,” Susan piped up, and now it was Abby that squirmed like my three year old. I arched an eyebrow to expedite whatever good news they wanted to share.
“Oh? And what good news is that?” They exchanged a loving glance before Abby put her left hand in front of me, revealing a perfectly gorgeous engagement ring. Abby blushed before unnecessarily stating the obvious.
“We’re, uh, getting married.” An excited gasp left me before I could control it.
“It's about time, dammit! Susan, what took you so long?” Susan let out a snort and took Abby’s ringed hand in hers, giving it a squeeze.
“It took me a year or so to find the courage to ask her. It took another year to find the perfect ring,” she replied, earning a smirk from Abby.
“As if I'd say no or scoff at the ring,” she rebutted, leaning her head on Susan’s shoulder. I gave them a warm smile and regarded my friends- my best friends- for a moment.
I vividly remember the day I caught them making out in the staff room. I will also never forget the day Abby, aggravated at Luka’s unwanted advances, loudly and dramatically outed them in front of Romano, a waiting room full of patients, and various staff. Even though Romano’s dead, God rest his toad soul, a bond was formed between the girls and I that day, a sisterhood I craved most of my life.
“Mark your calendar, Kerry, because we'd love for you to be our maid of honor and for Henry to be our ring bearer,” Susan beamed, and I couldn't help but beam back and nod. Henry chose that moment to run over and crawl up on my lap.
“Hey Henry, guess what? Aunt Susan and Aunt Abby are going to get married soon, and we get to help at the wedding. You get to be their ring bearer, a very important job.” I told him, eliciting a huge grin from him.
“Yay! Does that mean that you get to bring a date, mama?” The gall of this small child, way too smart for his own good, forever tested my patience. Before I could even respond to that, a voice I hadn't heard in many years came from the doorway.
“Yeah, Kerry, are you accepting applications to accompany you to the wedding?” My jaw dropped as I looked up to see Kim Legaspi there, looking as if six years hadn't even taken a toll on her beauty. Abby and Susan looked suspiciously smug at the blonde shrink’s sudden appearance. They weren't even trying to hide their involvement in this.
“Consider my application submitted.”
Damn them.
“...Kim?,” I managed, trying to look a lot less flustered than I was. She still looked so beautiful, so confident and I'm sure I look like a hot mess.
“It's me, Ker. I'm back in Chicago. For good.”
I must have fallen asleep, because this is both a dream and a nightmare wrapped in one. Actually, that can't be true, because not even in my wildest dreams would this have happened. Kim Legaspi, my first girlfriend, was back in Chicago and apparently she wanted to date me again.
I glanced over at my best friends, together for five years now and about to get married. I simultaneously wanted to thank them and kill them for springing this on me as they quietly slipped away to get some cake.
“You want to be my date, Legaspi? Are you overly desperate these days?” I asked her, with no small measure of incredulous disbelief. With a warm smile, she sat next to me, Henry curling against me in my arms.
“I never really wanted to let you go to begin with, it seems” she admitted, giving Henry a broad grin as he shyly clung to me. I blinked at her, still in a stupor. “And who's this handsome dude?”
“This is my son, Henry. Henry, this is Kim. She's a doctor, like me, Aunt Susan, and Aunt Abby.” Kim’s eyebrows flew up in surprise, clearly not expecting that answer but asking a thousand questions with her eyes nonetheless.
“It's a long story,” I lamely offered. She reached over and ruffled Henry’s hair.
“Well, I've got all the time in the world, if you want to tell me.”
I couldn't help but smile at the thought of talking to Kim again, of being in her presence after so many years without it. I would never disrespect the memory of my wife, because I love Sandy deeply, but she's gone and the gaping hole in my heart isn't getting any smaller. I'd like to reconnect with Kim and maybe try to find happiness again.
“I’d like that.”
Every year I find at least one more reason to hate the unforgiving Chicago winters.
The cold bothers my hip so I tend to isolate myself and hibernate when I’m not at work. Traumas are overly plentiful because the MVAs never end out on the city’s roads. The leaves are dead and gone from the trees, signifying the end of a dull and rainy fall. It's beyond aggravating when they start playing Christmas music on the radio before the tryptophan coma from Thanksgiving even wears off.
Worst of all, I'm also heavily reminded of the winter that I fucked up everything with Kim.
Abby and Susan’s plot to insert Kim back into my life was well played, even though I wasn't above going full Weaver on them for inviting her to Henry’s birthday party and ambushing me with her sudden appearance. Kim Legaspi was one of the best things that had happened to me, but it took me way too long to realize it. After we split and she left, I was so preoccupied with trying to sort out my sexuality that the bigger picture of it all had escaped me. It was too late to fix it and Sandy came into my life.
I loved Sandy so much and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I see so much of Sandy in our son that it's almost painful sometimes. I don't regret marrying her and starting a family at all, but I'd always have a very special place in my heart for Kim. A place that still sparked when I saw her yesterday for the first time in 6 years.
Abby and Susan were particularly smug when I exchanged numbers with Kim and promised to catch up soon. Now I'm standing here, debating whether I should call her.
“Come on Kerry, get it together,” I chide myself, picking up the phone and punching in numbers. I was going to call Kim, but first I needed to make another call.
“Hello?” Susan answered after 2 rings.
“Susan, it's Kerry.”
“Kerry! What's up, Chief?” She only calls me that when she’s trying to suck up to me. Or when she knows I'm mad at her and she wants to try to defuse me.
“I need you to help me out with something.” I could sense the skepticism over the phone. Susan knows that my pride usually prevents me from calling for help. “I need you to help me with Legaspi, since you and Abby practically threw her into my lap.”
There was a brief silence.
“We just want you to be happy, Kerry. You've been so lonely for too long.” I wanted to bite off some sort of snarky reply to that, but there was a struggle on the end of the other line and Abby’s voice came through.
“Dammit, Kerry. Stop being so obstinate. Kim wants to get to know you again and you know damn well that you want to get to know her again, too.” Abby, as usual, was right to the point. She wasn't wrong, either.
“But, how?” I knew that Abby was rolling her eyes by now.
“She's not some chick that you just met, you know her well. Or at least you used to. Just call her. Go on a date and reacquaint yourself with her. We'll watch Henry for you. I'll even make reservations somewhere for you if you need, but for Christ’s sake take the woman out and see what happens.” Lockhart for the Checkmate.
“You know I hate you, right?” Abby let out a snort of laughter.
“Nah, you know you love me. Now go and call her.” A click told me she had hung up, leaving no room for a retort.
I paced around the living room nervously, Henry watching me with apprehension. I think he may have been judging me, as much as a 3 year old could.
“Mama, do you have ants in your pants?” I stopped pacing. I'm not sure who taught him that expression, but he was spot on. I was meeting Kim tonight and my nerves were shot. I resignedly sat down next to him on the couch and he crawled up on my lap.
“Mama is a bit nervous,” I conceded, hugging him close to me for a moment. He looked up at me with those curious eyes. Sandy’s eyes.
“Is it because you have a date with Doctor Kim? Aunt Abby said that it was ‘portant for you.” I'm going to kill Abby for co-opting my son.
“Yes,
mijo
. I'm a little worried about my date. It's been a very long time since I've seen Kim.”
“Doctor Kim is pretty,” he replied, snuggling back into my chest.
“Yes, she is.” I allowed myself. The doorbell rang, signaling that Henry’s favorite aunts were here. “Go let Aunt Abby and Aunt Susan in.” He excitably jumped down from my lap and bolted for the door. I stood, gathering my purse as they came into the living room, Susan holding Henry upside down while Abby tickled him. They'd make great parents some day.
“You OK, Kerry?” Susan asked. She'd always been good at reading people and that's what made her a good Doctor. I probably made it easy for her, since I was apparently the epitome of nerves tonight.
“Mama is nervous for her date with Doctor Kim,” Henry answered. Susan exchanged a look with Abby before sweeping Henry away to the kitchen with a wave of giggles. Abby came in closer and put a hand on my shoulder.
“Hey, don't be nervous, Kerry. It will be fine. Just be yourself. You've already slept with her before, after all.” She gave me a shit-eating grin and I gave her a patented Weaver glare before letting out a sigh.
“I hate you.” Abby let out a laugh and turned me towards the door.
“Well, I love you, Kerry Ann. Now go, get your ass moving. Call if your date goes really well and you need us to stay overnight with Henry.” I groaned and blushed as she practically pushed me out the door.
My nerves were officially done for as I waited for Kim to join me at the bar; It was the same bar that Kim and I had our first date at. Had I been thinking, I might have picked another bar so that I didn't send any mixed signals about my intentions, but I'm not entirely sure what my intentions even are at this point. The uncertainty is messing with my nerves and now I'm getting freaked out.
I should have had Susan write me a script for some Xanax because I'm wound tighter than a guitar string.
I jumped up when I saw her head towards our table, almost knocking over my glass of water. Jesus, I don't even think I was this nervous the night I first had sex with her. Actually, scratch that. I was terrified the first time.
‘
You can touch me, Kerry. Explore me. You won't hurt me, I promise
,’ she had told me. I took her very slowly and gently that night,
constantly asking if what I was doing was OK. I had no idea what I was doing, but I was in awe when I made her orgasm and I could feel her spasm around my fingers.
“Kim! Hi.” I fumbled back to the present to greet her. She looked amazing in a red blouse and black slacks.
“Hi, Kerry.” She smiled at me at me as I guided her to her seat and pushed her chair in for her, like a proper date should. She eyed me for a moment as I sat across from her. “Wow. You look great, Ker.”
The hair on the back of my neck stood up as she called me by my nickname that she used to scream out when we made love. A shiver involuntarily ran through me.
“Thanks. You look great too. You haven't changed much in 6 years.”
“But you've changed a lot, haven't you?” she asked, leaning toward me with a soft smile. “You don't use your crutch anymore. You have a son. You're completely...out?” I nodded stiffly. Kim had no time for any bullshit this evening, apparently, because she went right in for the target zones.
“I've also buried my wife and had to fight tooth and nail to keep custody of Henry.” Her eyes diverted to the table at the weight of that. “I’ve had my ups and downs, but I’m doing OK. Henry keeps me very busy as a single mom, as does work.”
The server came by just then to take our drink orders. This definitely called for something with considerable alcohol content.
“I'll take a glass of Merlot,” Kim says, setting the drink menu aside. She must be nervous too. I still remember that she only drinks Merlot when she's anxious or conflicted about something.
“Amaretto sour. Strong, please,” I ordered. This probably called for a few shots of tequila to soothe my nerves, but I need to keep my wits about me instead of getting blackout drunk. The server nodded and vanished towards the bar.
“I have to admit, Kerry, that I wanted to reach out to you for so long. I thought about you pretty much every day I lived in San Francisco, but I was too damn scared to call you. I couldn't face hearing that someone else was making you happy now because I was too stupid to fight for our relationship when things went south.” It was my turn to drop my gaze to the table.
“I'd dream about you a lot, Kerry,” she continued. “In my dreams you moved to San Fran. We lived together and we were happy. In one dream, you were pregnant with our baby.”
I felt the Earth drop out from me. My hands went numb as I revisited the soul crushing pain of when I lost my baby.
“Kerry?”
“I guess I forgot to mention having a miscarriage as one of my accomplishments the past 6 years,” I sheepishly answered.Kim had a look of horror on her face from her unintentional misstep.
“Shit.
I'm really sorry. I didn't know.” I had to have mercy on her. Abby and Susan most likely left that information out when they plotted with Kim to come to the party.
“It's OK. It happened before Henry. Sandy carried him since I had a previous miscarriage and my age wasn’t helping.”
“You know, I would love to tell you all about what I've been up to, maybe complain about my lack of dating success and how much it sucked in California, but it pales in comparison to the shit you've gone through.” I shrugged my shoulder as the server dropped off our drinks. I took a drink of my Amaretto sour and moaned as the drink ran down my throat.
“Why don't we just call it a draw. We both had some hellacious rough patches.” She took a long drink of her wine before she leaned across the table again.
“You're so different.” I indulged her with a smile.
“Well, I would hope so. The Kerry Weaver from back then was a mess. I’d like to think I have my life together fairly well these days, considering.” She just looked at me for a moment, quiet and psychoanalyzing.
“Can I be upfront and honest with you?”
“Please.”
“I want to be in your life again, Ker. I want a second chance to be yours. I know your life is chaotic and I know that there's a lot of things from the past that need worked through. I just couldn’t stand being so far apart from you for all those years and had to come back. I even took a job at a private practice here so that there wouldn’t be any problems on the job. It’s the craziest gamble I’ve ever taken, but I want to start over with you, and I want to do it right this time.”
I'm not sure if she's trying to make this easier or more difficult for me.
“I'd really like to have you back in my life, Kim.” She gave me a bright smile and I let out a sad sigh.
“I have a lot of baggage though. I have Henry and I'm Chief of Staff. Both of those jobs are demanding and tend to consume me. There's also the emotional baggage of losing Sandy that I still carry.” She gave me an understanding nod. She always was so easy to talk to because she always knew the right thing to say or the right question to ask.
“I know you have a lot going on, and I can appreciate how taxing it is. I want you to set the boundaries and pace of our relationship, if you want to see me again. I don't want to pressure you into anything you’re not ready for. I just want you to know how I feel because you deserve honesty and the truth is that, after all this time, I look at you and all these past feelings for you surface again.”
“Remind me, how did you feel about me then?” I asked in a low and husky tone. She looked away for a moment before turning back to me, a sad look on her face.
“I was falling deeply in love with you, Kerry. I never told you that I loved you and I regret that. I wasn't there for you when you were struggling to come to terms with being gay and I regret that more.”
Time seemed to slow down as I processed what she said.
“You were in love with me?” I whispered, finding myself leaning in towards her. She gave me a solemn nod. “You're still in love with me?” There's a brief hesitation but she nods again.
I chugged the rest of my drink and waved to the server for a refill. I had no idea what to do with the fact that Kim was still in love with me. Should I tell her that old feelings and memories had been coming back to me also? Should I give in to familiar temptation and let myself have this? Yes, I should, because it's stupid to deny that I'm rapidly falling for her all over again now that she's right in front of me.
It's difficult to let myself go and do this, but Sandy would want me to be happy. I
deserve
to be happy, I remind myself. Henry wants me to be happy too.
“I didn't mean to overload you. I'm sorry. I just don't want to hide anything from you.”
“You didn't overload me, I'm just strengthening my resolve and validating my feelings. I'm no longer going to deny myself what I want.” The alcohol must have boosted my confidence, because I reached across and took her hand in mine. The server then came up with my drink, and Kim went to move her hand away but I held it tight. Her reaction was leftover from when I wasn’t comfortable being seen like that in public when we first dated.
“I want you. I want to try again, Kimmy,” I admitted, giving her hand a squeeze. Whatever my intentions were that I came here with were now thrown out the window and gone to shit. Any doubts that I had disappeared when she let out a quiet cry of relief and brought my hand to her lips to kiss my knuckles.
“Until you're ready for me to kiss you properly, we'll start here for now,” she said, giving my knuckles another kiss. I smiled. She's always been gentle with me.
Fortunately, I'm not that fragile anymore.
I pull her towards me and lean in further to kiss her over the middle of the table. It was a soft kiss, her lips sweet and tender, but it lit me on fire immediately. When we parted, Kim’s eyes were wide in shock.
Didn't think I'd ever kiss you in public, did you Kim?
“Ker?” She asked, dazed and confused at what I did. I smiled again, and I realized that I hadn't smiled this much in a long while.
“I told you I wasn’t going to deny myself anymore. For the past 6 years I held a piece of you in my heart, because I just couldn't let you go. Even though I was totally and deeply committed to Sandy, you were in my thoughts. You were my first and I'm glad I shared something special like that with you, regardless of how it ended.” She reached over and cupped my cheek with her hand.
“Are you sure, sweetheart? We don't need to rush into anything. We can go as slow as you want.” Always so gentle with me.
“I've been so lonely since Sandy died. It's been too long since I've been touched by a woman.” Her eyebrows flew up, surprised at how comfortable I had become in my skin over the years. Breaking the chains of repression can do amazing things for your self-esteem.
Kim gazed to the side in contemplation.
“What about Henry, Ker? I don't want to cause any problems with your son by being in your life.” I thought of my conversation with Henry before I left the house and smiled.
“I don't think Henry has any objection. He was actually happy that I had a date. According to him, ‘Doctor Kim is pretty’.” She gave me another smile. She has such a pretty smile.
“That's quite an endorsement!”
“The highest level of endorsement you can get in my world, babe.”
As she finished her wine and I downed the rest of my drink, I was buzzed enough to admit how I think I wanted my evening with Kim to end. I’m a big girl and I have desires, needs that haven’t been tended to in a long time. Kerry Weaver is no longer shy about letting her wants be known.
“Kim, can I run something by you and hope that I don’t seem too presumptuous?”
“Of course.”
“I would like to spend the rest of the evening in your company.” She blinked at me in confusion and I figured I might have to be more direct in telling her what I want.
“You want to spend- Oh! You, uh, want to spend the
night
with me?”
That’s my girl, the perceptive shrink.
“Yes. If you want me to.” I reached for her hand and gave it another squeeze. I think this more open and direct Kerry was fascinating and scaring Kim at the time.
“Like I said, this goes as far as you want it to go. Your pace.” I stood up, threw a few bills down to cover our tab, and held out my hand for Kim.
“Let’s go. I just need to make a phone call to Abby and Susan so that they stay overnight with Henry,” I replied. Kim looked both ecstatic and terrified that this was happening so fast. This had me spiraling out of control hard, but I couldn’t stop it now. I wanted her. I needed her. I had to feel again.
“Let’s pick up a pizza on the way to your place,” I added as my stomach grumbled. Kim could only nod as I led her out into the cold Chicago night.
I woke up in the dark, disoriented and in unfamiliar surroundings. It didn’t become immediately clear why I wasn’t in my own bed, but then I became aware of a warm body pressed against mine. I smiled; I knew exactly where I was now.
I figured that it was still sometime in the middle of the night. I don’t even remember falling asleep in Kim’s arms after we made love but the sex was absolutely amazing. This never happened previously with Kim and I, but we managed to orgasm simultaneously and it was more magical than David fucking Copperfield.
I’m glad that I went ahead and called Abby and Susan to have them stay overnight. When I get home they will have no less than 32 questions to ask about my night and they will also have no less than 10 jokes to tell, at my expense of course. I do love them though. They’re like the annoying little sisters I never had.
I closed my eyes again as Kim’s warm breath sprayed across my neck. Her breasts pressed into my bare back and I could feel her pelvic bones against my ass as she protectively wrapped herself around me. Even this sleeping arrangement was frighteningly new to me because I never would have allowed myself, even after sex, to sleep nude. Not with Ellis. Not with Kim. Not with Sandy. I always needed to be covered up if I was sharing a bed with someone.
Last night with Kim was anything but routine, though.
I started to drift off, replaying the events of last night in my head, when Kim stirred behind me. After a moment, her hand caressed down my side and my hip bone. I let out a shudder of pleasure.
“Hey,” I rasped, slowly turning onto my back so that I could see her in the shine of the moonlight that came through her window. She smiled sleepily at me.
“Hey, sweetheart.” I returned her smile and reached over to caress her shoulder.
“I love you.” She blinked at me, trying hard to stay awake. I’m not sure if I was speeding way too far ahead by telling her that, but she deserved to know. I never again want her to be uncertain about how I feel.
“I love you too, Ker.” Her eyes finally fluttered closed and she was asleep. God, she’s so damn beautiful.
I closed my eyes again, trying to reconcile just how much my life had changed since Kim showed up to Henry’s birthday party 5 days ago. It probably wasn’t the best decision to just jump right in bed with her again last night, like nothing had changed, but it felt so right. It was more familiar than awkward because, as Abby crudely pointed out, we had already had sex before. There was no unnecessary shyness about bodies because we’d already seen each other naked plenty of times. My hands and mouth still remembered exactly where to go and what to do; So did hers. She still makes that little noise when she comes.
But it was all so different, too.
She didn’t anticipate this more confident and more experienced Kerry Weaver. She hadn’t yet met the part of me that had discovered my more aggressive side of love making. It had been so long since I’ve been unleashed like that, but I gave her everything I had and she gave it right back. This time around, there were no hang-ups, no doubts, no uncertainty. We were so in tune last night, so locked into each other.
It’s all so goddamn perfect that it might as well be a scene out of a romance movie.
Sundays in the Weaver household are usually devoted to laundry, miscellaneous cleaning, and Mexican takeout. The laundry is not an optional chore, but I’m still sore and riding on cloud 9 from my evening with Kim. The other chores can wait for the time being.
I quietly snuck into my own house at 8 a.m. this morning, like some delinquent teenager. Luckily, everyone is still asleep, but I bet they'll probably stumble out within the next half hour or so. I set the coffee maker to brew and headed to my bathroom to take a shower. I reek of sex, a bouquet of my intimate scent mixed with Kim’s. Knowing Susan and Abby, it wouldn’t be long before they smelled it and asked for details.
Perverted bitches.
As the water washed over me, I did some strategic thinking. I should start having Kim over as much as possible so that her and Henry can get to know each other. He seems like he’s relatively impressed by ‘Doctor Kim’, since this is the first time he’s ever expressed interest in his mama’s dating life. Not that mama’s dating life was even existent anyway.
In a moment of serendipity, my phone bleeped as I was drying myself off in the shower. Of course it was a text from Kim.
Kim - (773)555-6711 - 08:27
I miss you already. Last night was amazing.
(773)557-7314 - 08:29
I miss you too, Kimmy.
You were incredible, baby.
Kim - (773)555-6711 - 08:31
Did you sleep well? You wore me out. ZZZ
(773)557-7314 - 08:34
Yeah, I’m sorry I had to leave early this morning.
I wanted to get back before Henry woke up.
Kim - (773)555-6711 - 08:38
No worries, babe. :)
(773)557-7314 - 08:42
You should come over to dinner tonight.
Hang out with me and Henry.
Kim - (773)555-6711 - 08:45
Are you sure? Do you think it’s too soon?
(773)557-7314 - 08:49
No, I think it will be fine.
He needs to get to know you.
Be over at 6. Mexican food. Love you.
Kim - (773)555-6711 - 08:51
Love you too, sweetheart.
I felt a bit manic as I got dressed. In the past 12 hours, I had dated Kim, got back together with her, slept with her, fell in love with her again, professed my love to her, and invited her to dinner with my son. No, this isn't insane at all.
I headed out to the kitchen for coffee when I encountered the next obstacle to tackle: Abby and Susan standing at the kitchen island, coffee in hand and waiting to interrogate me.
Shit.
“Good morning!” Abby chirped, sliding a coffee mug across the island as I approached. I sighed inwardly. Henry wasn’t awake yet, so they were clear to tear into me.
“Good morning, ladies. Thanks again for staying over last night.”
“Had a good date with Kim?” Susan chimed in.
“Obviously she did, since she was with her all night,” Abby added, not missing a beat. Maybe I should just tell them what they want to hear so that I can get them off my ass.
“OK, you two want the rundown? You want to know what happened?” They both nodded in sync, nearly drooling in anticipation. I let out a long suffering sigh.
“We had a very good talk. We’re still in love with each other. We're back together. I slept with her. She's coming over for dinner tonight.” They blinked at me simultaneously, dumbfounded by my brief synopsis of my evening.
“Wow,” was all that Abby uttered. Susan visibly shook herself out of her stupor.
“Good for you, Kerry. You deserve to be happy.” I gave them a nod and a sly smile.
I absolutely did deserve this. I've waited a long time for this, to trust my heart to her again, and I'm not backing away from it. I won't desert Kim again, not while I've been granted this second chance.
Everybody is overstuffed with tacos and burritos. Kim and Henry are settled on the couch and watching a Bears game, where she’s been trying to teach Henry about football for the last 30 minutes. It’s funny that Kim was worried about how Henry would take to her because he almost immediately attached himself to her as soon as she got here, like some sort of hyperactive parasite. He was so excited to hang out with ‘Doctor Kim’ and show her all of his favorite toys. He’s at this age where Kim thinks that, developmentally, he doesn’t understand the relationship between Kim and I, or even Susan and Abby. He doesn't have a father, but he does have other strong male influences in his life, like his tio Carlos.
Some nosy-ass woman at the grocery store commented once that he’d grow up warped without a permanent father figure and I'm determined to prove that uppity bitch wrong.
“Yes! Touchdown, Henry! Put your arms up like this when they score a touchdown, buddy.”
I think he’ll be just fine without a father.
“Go Bears! This is fun, Doctor Kim.” It warmed my heart and relieved me that these two were getting along well so far. I stopped cleaning up the kitchen to watch them interact for a minute.
“You can call me Kim.”
“Kim, you went on a date with my mama, right?” Kim nodded. “What does date mean?”
“It means that your mama and I spend a lot of time with each other. Eating food together. Going to work. Shopping. Watching TV and movies with you.” Henry thought about this for a minute.
“Does this mean that you’re mama’s girlfriend? Like Aunt Susan and Aunt Abby?” Maybe he understands, after all. Kim gave him a smile.
“Yes, I’m her girlfriend.” She paused for a minute before she regarded Henry closely. “Is that OK with you, bud?” A huge grin came across Henry and he nodded enthusiastically.
“Yeah! I like to watch football with you and you make mama less sad.” Sometimes the simplified observational wisdom of a toddler can blow you away. Kim looked surprised, but recovered quickly.
“Cool. I can’t wait to show you hockey when the season starts. I think you’ll like that, too,” Kim replied, reaching over and ruffling Henry’s hair. “I’m also gonna make sure that mama’s not sad anymore, OK?”
I didn’t think it was possible for me to be more in love with her. Apparently Henry was just as overcome with Kim’s declaration, because he launched himself at her, hugging her around her chest tightly. She froze for just a millisecond, still unaware that I had been watching this whole exchange, but then wrapped her arms around Henry to return his hug.
Shit, shit, shit.
Of course I would be held up at work, with no escape in sight soon, and Henry’s daycare closes in 40 minutes. Normally Abby or Susan would pick him up in this case but they're both here and I can't get ahold of the Lopezes.
I need to resort to calling Kim.
We've been back together for a couple of months now and Henry’s used to Kim being a regular fixture in our house. They’re pretty comfortable around each other and I'm comfortable with her being around him; Henry loves to play and watch sports with her and talks a lot about her when she's not around.
Besides, she's a shrink. She can handle a 3 year old, right?
“Kim Legaspi,” she answered after only 1 ring.
“Thank God you answered!”
“Kerry?” She had to have felt my panic over the phone.
“I need your help.”
“Are you OK, babe?”
“Well, I will be if you can do me a huge favor within the next 20 minutes.”
“What is it, Ker?” Here’s to testing the strength of our new relationship.
“I’m stuck at work and I need Henry picked up from daycare by 6:30.”
“OK, no worries babe. I'll leave right now and pick him up. I'll take him to McDonald's and spoil him with a Happy Meal before I bring him home.”
I don't deserve this goddess of a woman.
“Thank you so much, honey. You're the best and I love you. I'll call the daycare and let them know you'll be getting him.” She knew where his daycare was already from going with me to drop him off in the morning yesterday. Henry knows where the spare key is hidden so they can get in.
As an afterthought, I should probably give Kim her own key to the house.
“I love you too. We'll see you at home.”
Kim and I were both pretty light sleepers, so it wasn't surprising that we both bolted upright in bed when Henry cried out in the middle of the night. She turned the lamp from her nightstand on, and I wanted to laugh at the bed head she had and the priceless look of confusion on her face.
“Mama! Kimmy!” Even over the baby monitor, I could tell he was distressed. She looked at me with an eyebrow raised.
“Kimmy?” she sleepily asked. “Since when does he know your private nickname for me?”
“Shit. He must have heard us in here the other night. I must have been a bit loud when I was screaming out your name. He’s at the age where he repeats everything he hears.” She groaned and rubbed at her face. At least we can share the mortification.
“Kim! Kimmy!” Henry cried out again.
“He wants you, baby. Go ahead and check on him. You're the Psychiatrist in this household,” I said with a chuckle.
With a nod, she threw aside the covers and headed out the door. A few seconds later I heard her enter Henry’s room over the baby monitor. I could tell she sat on the edge of his bed by the way it creaked. A shifting of blankets hinted that he had probably crawled into her lap for comfort.
“What's wrong, buddy? Did you have a bad dream?” Henry sniffed back a tear.
“Yes. I was scared.”
“Do you want to tell me about the scary dream? Sometimes it can help you feel better if you tell someone about things that scare you.” Henry sniffed a few more times.
“You weren't here anymore and mama was very sad again. I was very sad, too.” My heart clinched.
“It's OK. I'm right here, bud,” she cooed. A few more sniffles issued forth from Henry.
“I don’t want you to leave. I don't want mama to be sad again.”
“I’m not leaving. I’m right here.”
“Can you always stay so that me and mama are always happy?”
Kim was here pretty much all the time. It was rare that she didn't stay over and she had seamlessly incorporated herself into our household routines and our lives by now. She has a key and picks up Henry from daycare fairly often. She has her own space in the closet for her clothes. She basically lives with us at this point.
The domesticity we’ve established in such a short time kind of crept up on all of us, it seems.
“I'll be here. Don't worry. Let's get back to sleep now, OK? I'll tuck you in.” There were a few more shuffles of blanket. “I'll see you in the morning. We’ll make pancakes for breakfast.”
“With chocolate chips?”
“Sure, bud. Now get some sleep.”
“K. Good night, Kimmy.”
“Good night, Henry.”
She reappeared in the bedroom a moment later, turned off the lamp, and crawled back into bed next to me. She hummed happily when I curled up behind her and kissed the nape of her neck.
“Kim?”
“Mmm?”
“Move in with us.” She was completely still for a minute before she turned to face me. Even in the dark I knew the look of surprise she was wearing. “You heard Henry. We both need you here with us.”
“Kerry, are you sure?” She asked. Her hand searched around for mine and grasped it.
“Yes, babe, I'm sure. Henry’s sure. You pretty much live here already anyway. Let's make it official, Kimmy.”
It almost wasn’t audible, but she gasped.
“Honey, do you know what you're asking? What it means?”
“It means that Henry and I want you to be a part of our family. It means that we both love you and that you make us happy. We want to share our lives with you.”
“OK. I'll move in.”
“Yes?”
“Yes.”
Kim and I are with Henry at Chicago Children's Hospital. My poor baby is sick with a bad case of pneumonia and a high fever that I couldn't get to break. The Emergency Medicine team here admitted him so they could give him IV antibiotics and keep him on oxygen to get his sats up. He’s been so beaten down with it all that he's mostly just slept.
Kim quietly entered the room with two coffees. It’s 3 a.m. and we’re both exhausted, having been here for the better part of 7 hours already. I gratefully took my coffee from her and gave her a kiss.
Kim officially moved in with us 2 months ago, at the beginning of July. I think all of us are amazed at how smooth it's been to add her to our fold and become a family of sorts. Henry has been so happy to have Kim around and has been thriving. I guess I have been too.
“Has he woken up since I was gone?” she asked, sliding into her chair next to Henry’s bed.
“No, he's slept the whole time.”
“Poor little guy, so sick.” She reached over to lightly smooth Henry’s hair back from his sweaty forehead. He stirred a bit and his eyes fluttered open.
“Mommy?” Kim and I exchanged a look. Henry’s never called anyone that. Not even Sandy.
“It's Kim, buddy. I'm here.” A small smile crossed Henry’s lips and his eyes closed again.
“Kimmy. Mommy.” Kim looked back up at me and blinked.
“Hallucinations?” I could only shrug.
“I’m not sure. He never calls me that and he never called Sandy that.”
She looked back up at Henry and then turned her gaze to her coffee cup, deep in thought. I also found interest in my coffee cup, settling in to think. I was close to dozing off when it dawned on me what his fevered thoughts were trying to tell us and it was like reality had finally slapped me in the face.
I agree, Henry. I think it's time, too.
It wasn't long before Thanksgiving rolled around. For so many reasons, this had been a difficult holiday for me to get through over the past decade. Late November had come to represent a time where my losses were the most painful and I felt them the deepest.
It was time to change that this year, though. I needed to make this time of year filled with good memories. For all of us.
“Yes! Touchdown, Kimmy!” Kim, Henry, Abby, and Susan were sprawled out on the couches. They were watching football now, since the Macy’s parade was over.
“Hey guys, the turkey will be ready soon,” I called out. Kim had, of course, offered to help me in the kitchen with preparing the feast. I kicked her out of my kitchen, along with Susan and Abby, insisting that they hang out with Henry and keep him occupied while I worked my culinary magic.
It was time to pause kitchen duty and resume my personal life for just a moment. I walked into the living room to find Henry curled up in Kim’s lap, cheering on the Bears, and I knew that I was making the right decision for Henry and I.
“Kim?” She tore her eyes away from the screen and gave me a smile.
“Henry and I have something we'd like to ask you.” Kim blinked at me in confusion and Henry bounced excitably in her lap. Henry then jumped up and stood next to me and I held out a hand to have Kim stand in front of us.
“Ker?” Kim asked as she stood, totally baffled at what was happening.
I looked down at Henry and he smiled up at me. I looked over at Susan and Abby, getting two encouraging nods; They were all complicit in today’s life changing surprise for Kim. I then fished the small box out of my pocket and dropped to one knee, opening the box and presenting the ring inside to Kim.
“Will you marry me, Kim? Be my wife and Henry’s Mommy?” She covered her mouth with her hand and started crying and nodding. Abby and Susan looked close to tears, too.
“Yes! A thousand times yes, Kerry.” I stood and took the ring out, carefully slipping the ring on her finger; It fit perfectly. I gave her a kiss as Henry jumped up and down in glee. Abby and Susan looked on with huge smiles.
“We love you so much, Kim.” She leaned down to pick Henry up and hugged us both close to her. Her breathing hitched with emotion.
“I love both of you more than you could imagine.”
I’m not naive enough to think that I had recently been starring in my own version of some fairy tale, where I defeated the monster and won the princess’ heart in record time. I accept that I've been dealt a shit hand in life since I was conceived, with very few positive times to rejoice about. I've loved, I've lost, and I've done it all over again a few times. I had pain to endure, lessons to learn, and I had to let go of my past to shape my future. With Kim and Henry by my side, I know what it feels like to be complete again.
If this life has taught me anything at all, it’s that you must seize every worthwhile opportunity when it presents itself because the beautiful moments, the ones that truly make a difference in your life, are oftentimes fleeting and only come around but once. In my case, I was blessed to have a second chance at love after what I feared would be my last. I never thought in a million years that Kim would come back into my life, especially after losing Sandy, but just as life is filled with fleeting moments, it is also full of tiny miracles, too.