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Miku needed to talk to someone.Well, she already was talking to someone — she had talked to Rin about her confusion over her sexuality countless times since admitting to her that it was an issue, but it wasn’t helping her much. Rin just kept saying that she would support her no matter what, which was comforting but not that helpful when it got down to actually coming to a conclusion.She needed someone with experience. So one evening, when neither of them were busy with anything in particular, Miku turned to her roommate. “Hey, Gumi. Could I, uh, ask you something, maybe?”Gumi glanced up from her book, finger marking the place where she stopped. “Yeah, for sure. What’s on your mind?”Miku grabbed the end of one of her long twin tails and fidgeted with it. “When did you know? That you were … you know …” It occurred to her that she didn’t know exactly what Gumi labeled her sexuality as. She just knew that Gumi had a girlfriend, and that she used to have someone else that she only referred to as a "lover" in the past, and that she had dated both of them at the same time until the lover had left. And that she apparently had no problem with her very, very beautiful girlfriend seeing another girl, even now ...Gumi was waiting patiently for her to finish her thought. “Interested in girls?” Miku finally decided on, a bit lamely.“I’ve always known.” Gumi stuck a bookmark in her book and set it aside, sitting cross-legged on her bed and facing Miku directly. “Mom and dad always spoke honestly with my sister and me, and dad actually dated men in the past. So I never felt like I had to be a certain way. I just loved who I loved, and it was never a big deal to them.”To Miku, it sounded like she was talking about a faraway planet. Her parents certainly weren't like that. And even Mr. and Mrs. Kagamine, as accepting as they were, had occasionally slipped up when Len had first started transitioning. “Huh. But, um … Sorry if this sounds rude, but? There are a lot of people, besides your family, who feel, you know. Different. Didn’t they ever bother you?”Gumi shrugged. “If other people have a problem with me, the problem belongs to them. It doesn't bother me.” She cocked her head to the side a bit. “Why do you ask?”Quite horrifyingly, Miku felt her face heat up. “Oh, gosh, I guess … I just see you and Luka together, and I see how happy you two are, and I just, I, I … I wonder. How you got to that point.” She did a lot more than wonder about just that, but that wasn’t something that you said to your roommate of two months, regardless of how open her relationship with her girlfriend apparently was.Gumi smiled serenely, either not noticing or choosing to ignore Miku’s careful choice of words. “Well, that has less to do with being with a woman and more to do with being with Luka. What we have is special.”Miku didn’t know how to phrase what she wanted to ask. But she had known Gumi for a few months now, and she had never once seen the green-haired girl offended or even mildly bothered. “Special? Even though you … you know …”“See other people, as well as each other?” Gumi finished for her. Miku nodded gratefully. “Of course. What Luka and I have … is different, from what she has with Meiko. And different from what I had with my lover, when we were together.” She glanced at Miku out of the corner of her eye in a way that made her heart skip a beat. “And it will continue to be different, regardless of who we see in the future.”Miku looked down at her lap, scrunching the fabric of her dark blue skirt in her hands to give them something to do. “I … I guess I don’t know how you can sound so calm about it,” she admitted.Gumi’s tone was as matter-of-fact as if she were talking about the weather. “Luka and I have been together like this for years. Long enough for any shock to wear off. But, honestly, having our relationship open has always felt very natural to me. A heart can produce as much love as it needs to. Why bother trying to limit that love to a single person?”“I don’t know,” Miku said. “If I’m meaning honest, maybe … I’m still trying to figure out the kind of person I want to love, I guess. All of this stuff … Is really confusing. You know?”There was the sound of creaking bedsprings. Miku looked up in time to see Gumi walk across the room to her, to sit next to her on her bed. “Luka struggled with that aspect, at first,” she said. “I may not be able to understand it, but I can tell you what worked for her.”“Yeah?” Miku pushed some of her bangs out of her face.Gumi nodded. “When we first met, Luka was still coming to terms with her sexuality. The feelings she felt for men did not match up to the stories she read, and so she started wondering if she liked women, instead. And as we got closer, she decided to try.” Gumi smiled a bit. “She always told me that the moment she was sure was when she kissed me. Before then, she had feelings for me, but it was hard for her to distinguish if they were the feelings that one friend could feel for another or not. But when she kissed me, all of the stories she read made sense, and she realized.”Miku thought about this for a moment. Her situation wasn’t quite the same as Luka’s — she was pretty sure she liked guys, she just wasn’t sure about girls. But the thing about her own feelings not living up to the stories she read certainly rang true. She sometimes got crushes on people she knew well, or at least she thought she got them. But she had never once looked at someone she had just met and thought about how much she wanted to — well. The things that people always talked about wanting to do to attractive people.“Are you saying I should … just go kiss some people … and try and figure things out?” Miku’s stomach felt a little queasy at the thought. She didn’t want to kiss strangers.Gumi shrugged. “I cannot decide what you should do,” she said. “This is your journey, and only you can decide the right path. But if you’d like, you can kiss me.”Miku’s heart promptly rammed into her throat. “W-What?”“When you spoke of Luka and I earlier,” she said. “I noticed something in your tone. I thought maybe you’d be interested.” She cocked her head to the side. “Unless it is Luka that you’re more interested in?”The words bubbled out of Miku's mouth before she could stop them. “No! I mean, yes? Wait, I mean … Luka is very beautiful, and, and, nice. Quiet, but nice, and … and I do like it when we talk, and, I guess, I've wondered? Maybe? What it would be like to, to … But I wonder that sometimes about you, too.” Miku could actually feel the heat radiating off of her face at the admission. She pressed her palms to her cheeks, but they were too sweaty to help much. “You’re, you’re always really nice to me and very pretty and I love that you’re so calm? About everything? I wish I could be like you, and sometimes I think, maybe, maybe kissing you would be good. Too. I don’t know. Both, is what I’m trying to say? I guess? Is that okay?”Gumi didn’t interrupt her rambling. But when she was done, the green-haired girl gently took her hands away from her face. “Life is frighteningly short, Miku,” she said, gently guiding her hands back to her lap. “Too short not to explore this part of yourself. You deserve to know who you are and be happy. And I would be proud to accompany you on this journey, if you want me to.”Gumi’s hands were cool. Not cold, but against Miku’s overheated skin, they felt nice. “Do you need to … I don’t know … ask permission? From Luka, first?”“Not for a kiss,” Gumi said. “This does not have to mean anything more than you want it to mean, Miku. Or anything more than I want it to mean. It doesn’t have to be a declaration of anything. Just an experiment. A single kiss … or more. And we can decide after what it means. Together.” At some point, she had let go of Miku's hands, and now her fingertips were tracing lightly up and down Miku’s arms in a steady rhythm. Combined with the even meter of her voice, it was almost hypnotic.Hadn’t Miku been waiting for an opportunity like this? For years she put off exploring or even acknowledging her feelings, knowing what would happen if word got back to her parents, knowing that it was a small town and that word inevitably would. For years she had told herself to wait, wait, wait until she was out of the house. She had counted down the years to university the way prisoners counted down the days until their release.And now, the wait was over, she was away from home, and she had someone in front of her right now, willingly and enthusiastically encouraging her to explore those parts of herself. Why wouldn’t she take this opportunity?For once, Miku didn’t second guess or overthink. Instead, she leaned forward and closed the distance between her and Gumi without a word.Gumi responded immediately, leaning forward, pressing a cool palm to Miku’s cheek to guide her, gently showing her how to angle her head just right, urging her closer and closer. And Miku felt something so joyful well up in her, something that felt like Christmas and Easter and her birthday all rolled up in one, the joy of finally giving into the anticipation that had been building up for years as she waited and wondered and worried at home.Or maybe it was just because she was doing it with Gumi. Gumi, who had read to her when she couldn’t sleep from stress and fear and homesickness during the second week of the semester. Gumi, who had picked her flowers to put on her desk just because “they matched your eyes so perfectly.” Gumi, who called her cutie and made her feel welcome no matter where she went.When they finally broke apart, Miku couldn’t help it. She started giggling, wild and carefree, and she opened her mouth to apologize, to explain, but then Gumi was pulling her in again, and the shape of her lips against Miku’s was unmistakably a smile.Miku’s heart felt full. It felt ready to burst. It felt like it was going to beat right out of her chest, which made it a little embarrassing when Gumi’s hand brushed against it, then laid, palm flat against Miku’s chest.Gumi broke away. “Miku, your heart …”“I’m sorry!” Miku, breathless, started to pull away. “I …” But then Gumi was taking her gently by the wrist, guiding her hand. And when she met the soft fabric of Gumi’s dress, she was surprised to feel Gumi’s own heart fluttering away beneath it, like hummingbird wings.“Really?” Miku looked up. Gumi was beaming, an ear-to-ear smile Miku had never seen her wear before. She still looked cool, collected, but Miku could feel the heart against her palm beating just as furiously as her own.“Really,” Gumi said, pulling her in again. And later there would be time for talking, for deciding what all of this was, what it meant. For now, there were only fluttering stomachs, and heartbeats, and lips meeting again and again, in between fits of giggles from joy too strong to keep inside.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“This poem reminds me of you.”Miku glanced down at where Luka sat on the floor, a little curious. This was new. During their weekly study sessions in Miku's dorm, when Gumi was off at class and Luka was waiting for her night class to begin, Luka rarely spoke unless they were working on homework for Professor Yowane's class together.She wasn't disappointed — she liked listening to Luka — but she was a little confused. “Oh?”“Yes.” Luka’s facial expressions were subtle, difficult to read. Miku had gotten better at it since meeting her, but she couldn't even hazard a guess at what Luka was thinking as she looked at the book in her lap. “It’s in English, or I’d read it to you. I don’t think it would translate well, but it’s about what exists in the silence after a voice stops. I think some voices have this quality more than others, to be able to continue speaking in the silence. Yours is one of those voices.”Miku fidgeted a bit, not sure what to say. “Um. Is that a … a good thing?”Something in Luka’s expression shifted. This time, Miku recognized the ghost of an expression as a smile. “Yes, Miku. I think it’s very beautiful.”“Oh.” Luka sometimes dropped these things on her. She didn’t compliment as casually or friendly as Gumi did. All of her words seemed to have weight, seemed to demand ... something. Miku just had no idea what that something could be. “Could you … read it to me anyway? Maybe?”Luka raised an eyebrow in what was probably confirmation, pulling the book a little more firmly into her lap. She read in English, in a gentle, lilting voice that sounded like a completely different person compared to the monotone she usually spoke in."Music, when soft voices die ..."Miku didn’t understand most of the words that fell out of her mouth. But she recognized the very first word of the poem — “Music.” And a few other words. “Rose,” and “love.” Coming out of Luka's mouth, it was very beautiful. And Miku thought that she sort of got what Luka meant, about the silence after a voice stopped. When she was finished reading, the silence seemed very loud, indeed. Miku almost didn't want to break it, but eventually, she did.“Wow, that was —”“I know about the kiss, Miku.”The change in tone was so sudden, Miku was left floundering. “Oh? I …”“Well, kisses.” Luka held up a long, slender finger. Was that an amost smile on her face? Or was it just wishful thinking on Miku's part. “Gumi has told me that you mentioned me, quite a few times. That you worry what I may think. I thought I’d broach the topic now, before things went any deeper between the two of you.”“O-Oh.” Miku looked down at her lap. “Well, I guess, I just … Do you mind?”Luka’s voice was calm. “No. I think it’s wonderful that you are able to explore yourself, Miku.” Luka stood, and then there was pressure on the bed next to her. Luka was sitting beside her. “Although, I have to wonder … One person is a bit of a small sample size to base any sort of conclusion off of. Is it not?”Miku looked up at Luka’s face. It was back to being unreadable. “Um … I … I guess? But I haven’t, really … found anyone else. Willing to, um, you know …”She was struck, all at once, by how close Luka was. Their thighs, side by side on the bed, were almost touching. Luka wore a long gray skirt made of soft fabric that had a slit up the side, almost all the way up to her hip. Miku could see bare skin beneath.“Gumi expressed to me that you might have … interest, in me as well as her,” Luka said softly. “Is that still a correct assessment?”Miku felt her face heating up. “I, I … I mean. You’re very … very pretty — beautiful, I mean, and, I think … I think you’re very nice as well. I like spending time with you, and, and working on literature homework with you.”Luka nodded slightly. “And I you,” she said. “But …? There is still trepidation in your voice.”Miku fidgeted with a ponytail. “Well. Have you and Gumi … ever done that before? Er, both kissed the same person?”The question seemed to surprise Luka. “No,” she said. “And it is very considerate of you to think of that, Miku. But we discussed it, in private. And we decided that we would be fine with this. And I would be more than happy to … aid you. In your self-discovery.” Something that was definitely a smile crossed her lips. “In fact, it is something I considered before I knew of your interest.”“R-Really?” It seemed impossible, that someone like Luka was interested in her. But Luka was winding a strand of Miku’s long hair around a slim finger, that definite-but-small smile still on her lips.“Yes, Miku,” she said softly. She was leaning forward, like she was sharing a secret, even though her voice wasn’t particularly quiet. “You are … very beautiful.” She looked into Miku’s eyes, caught them. She didn’t think that Luka had ever made direct eye contact with her before. It was a little overwhelming. It made Miku feel, in that moment, like they were the only two people in the world.She liked the way that felt. She liked having the attention of this beautiful, kind, intelligent woman.“Are you?” Luka’s voice was quiet now. If their faces hadn't been so close, Miku wouldn't have heard her. “Still interested?”In answer, Miku swiftly closed what little distance there was between them, pressing their lips together.It was different, with Luka.It was tentative, at first, both women trying to gauge where the other was, what the other wanted. But what Miku wanted was to explore, to try something new, and as Luka showed no signs of stopping or wanting to stop, she grew bolder, holding kisses for longer.With Gumi, she got the feeling that the other girl was trying to play teacher, guiding her lips, showing her how to tilt her head. It was nice, and fun, but ... there was restraint, with her. There was no restraint with Luka. If kissing Gumi was informative and structured, kissing Luka was like free-falling, and just as exhilarating as that probably was.And instead of a self-aware joy, something she could easily pinpoint and name, kissing Luka like this awoke … something else, within her. Something she couldn’t quite name or categorize. But Miku found that she didn’t care. She wanted more of it. She pressed harder against Luka, and was pleased when Luka responded by wrapping her arms around her waist and pulling her closer. They went like that for minutes, hours, days. Years, maybe, where they broke apart for air less and less frequently, hungry for each other’s lips, each other’s tongues.Miku was falling, spiraling. Everything was very warm. And after a moment she realized that they really were falling, that Luka was leaning back against the pillows, holding Miku close so that she remained on top of her. Luka’s hands were gripping her thighs; Miku was straddling her hips.Miku remembered the slit in Luka’s skirt. She reached through it, and for a moment she worried that she was going too far, but then Luka was arching her back, curling her leg up to give Miku easier access to the skin beneath. “Oh, sweetheart, yes,” she purred against Miku’s lips, and something in Miku melted. She caressed the bare skin beneath, tracing over the lace edge of her panties before darting away again, going to the more comfortable territory of her thigh. She wasn't quite ready for that yet. Luka didn't seem to mind.With Gumi, there were lots of breaks for giggles and breathy comments and general light-heartedness. There was none of that here. Whenever they finally broke apart for air, Luka continued, trailing kisses along Miku’s neck, her collarbone.“Do you like this?” Luka asked breathily against her skin.“Yes,” Miku said in a voice that she hardly recognized as her own. “Yes — more, please.”At this Luka actually chuckled, a sound that sent something low and warm through Miku. She had gotten to know Luka pretty well, doing homework together and hanging out in their free time. But she had never heard Luka make a sound like that.She had never heard herself make the sounds that she was making either, she realized, sounds that were high and breathy and a little desperate. In other circumstances, she might have been a little embarrassed. But as she grabbed Luka’s face and tilted it upwards, bringing her in for another kiss, she didn’t feel embarrassed at all. Only warm and wanted and very, very excited for what this meant for the future.They didn’t go much further than kisses and caresses that stopped just short of being too much. But, for the first time, Miku found herself wondering what would happen if they did go further — what sorts of noises she might hear, then.She didn't know if she'd feel that way for anyone but Luka — and Gumi, maybe, if she tried kissing her like that. But was it because she only liked girls, or was it because she just hadn't met any guys that she liked as much as she liked those two?Miku wasn't sure. But she pretty sure that she was getting closer to figuring it out.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“The end will come …”
“But it was fun …”
“While it lasted! Colorful x Melody!”
Rin and Miku left the karaoke stage to dramatic applause, giggling and clutching onto each other. Len hooted loudly, and Meiko gave a dramatic wolf whistle.
“I can’t believe you convinced me to sing that,” Miku laughed. “We haven’t done that since we were 14!”
“I can’t believe I still remembered all the dance moves,” Rin giggled back.
When they made their way back to their friend group, everyone was beaming. “Not bad! I could stand to see you onstage, Miss-Drama-Major." Meiko reached out, ruffling Rin's hair, and she squealed and hid behind Len. The two had managed to strike up a pretty cheerful friendship, due to their similar senses of humor.
“Kaito! Control you woman!” Rin screeched dramatically to the blue-haired man, who had actually managed to peel himself away from his books. It was a sort of in-joke between Rin and Meiko, since Meiko made it just so obvious that she'd rip the head off of anyone who tried to control her, and Rin made it obvious that she thought that was awesome. But Kaito wasn't around the group to know that. He looked to Meiko, a bit concerned.
When he saw his girlfriend’s smile, he relaxed. “Not even if I wanted to,” he shot back breezily, and everyone laughed.
Gumi reached over and squeezed Miku’s arm to get her attention. “That was
adorable
, cutiepie,” she said, and pecked her on the cheek.
These little displays of affection were becoming more and more common between the two. It was something that they talked a lot about behind closed doors, since Gumi didn't want to out her or overstep any boundaries. Miku appreciated that, and why lie? She appreciated the kisses, too.
She had even kissed Luka a few more times, in private. But Luka was less prone to public displays of affection, and it was probably for the best. It wasn't like things were always hot and steamy between them (or that things never got hot and steamy between her and Gumi, for that matter), but ... Luka just made it so easy for her to give in to things she had repressed for most of her life.
Kaito’s eyebrows furrowed. “Um … am I allowed to ask …?”
This was something else Miku and Gumi had talked about behind closed doors: what they would say to anyone curious enough to ask. “There’s really nothing to tell,” Gumi said. “We’re just having fun.”
“I’m still sort of figuring things out,” Miku said, fidgeting with the end of a twin tail. “I mean, I had never even held hands with anyone romantically before college. So I wasn’t quite sure what I, uh, liked. I wasn’t sure if the feelings I had for girls were just … you know? So, Gumi offered to help me figure it out. And we just sort of … fell into this … casual thing. We’re not rushing to put a label on it, I guess?”
Even though they had practiced, she felt like she was stumbling over her words. But Luka was nodding, and Kaito was giving her a sympathetic smile.
Meiko’s expression was a little harder to read. “Huh. So, feel free to tell me if I need to mind my own fuckin’ business, but … does that mean that you haven’t technically kissed any guys yet?”
Miku startled a little. “I guess not. I never really had to question my attraction to guys like I did for girls, you know?” She had always sort of taken it as a given. When she liked guys, that meant she was attracted to them, right?
But Luka was nodding. “That’s fair. But many lesbians — myself included — often considered ourselves attracted to men at first, due to the compulsory heterosexuality in our society.”
“Really?” Miku felt herself deflate a little bit. She really thought she was figuring things out, but now she had a whole other thing to be confused about.
“Yeah, but don’t let that get to you,” Meiko said. “Trust me, you have plenty of time to figure it out.”
“You don’t need to rush to put a label on things,” Gumi said. “Or put a label on yourself at all. I never did, and I’m perfectly happy.”
Miku guessed she could understand the appeal of that. But after 19 years of doubting, of wondering and waiting in silence because she couldn’t even bring herself to tell Rin and Len, of all people, afraid that her parents would somehow be able to read the truth on their faces or even blame them for making her what she was ... After living so long with a truth that she couldn’t even tell herself, Miku wanted to be able to put a name to it.
She didn’t think she was a lesbian. But she guessed Luka had a point. What if she was just attracted to men because she was told, from the beginning, that she should have been?
As if reading her thoughts, Meiko said, “Well, no time like the present to test stuff out! Kaito's a great kisser.”
Miku felt like someone had splashed cold water on her. “Um, what?” Pecks on the cheek from Gumi in front of Luka was one thing. But a truly experimental kiss with Kaito, who she barely knew, in front of his frankly intimidating girlfriend, who she knew only a little bit better?
But Meiko was smiling, and Kaito didn’t look at all put out by the idea. “I’d be fine with it, if you wanted,” Kaito said gently.
“Psh, he’s been talking about how cute you are since he met you,” Meiko said. Miku felt her entire face warm up.
“But please, don’t let that influence your decision,” Kaito said. “There’s no pressure to do anything you don’t want to do.”
Well, he was considerate, at least. And he
was
attractive — Miku could see that. “Uh … I don’t wanna weird anyone out …?”
“You wouldn’t be weirding me out,” Len called over, and Rin shrugged and grinned.
“As Gakupo would say: YOLO.”
Miku looked back to Kaito. And while she wasn’t sure how she felt about him, she was surprised by how appealing the idea of kissing him in front of a bunch of people was. She had never considered herself to be into that, but the idea of having people watch her while kissing (Gumi? Luka?) someone made an odd thrill run through her.
Instead, she gave Kaito a shy smile. “I guess I’d like a kiss, then. If you really want to.”
In response, Kaito smiled and reached out for her. Miku put her hands on his cheeks and pulled him in.
Kaito was … a good kisser. Forceful wasn’t the right word, because she never felt like he was moving too fast or doing something that she didn’t want to do, but he did know how to take charge. His lips were firm and confident against her own, his fingertips stroking up her spine.
But it was different. At first, Miku didn’t realize why. But after a few moments, she realized that it was kind of like being so impressed with a singer's technique that she forgot to be impressed by the emotion and meaning of the song he was singing. She was objectively aware of how good he was at this, how every lick and caress was designed to please her. She could appreciate, objectively, how strong his arms were, encircling her waist firmly but not restraining. She enjoyed the way that it was so easy to respond to him, how he’d take her movements into account and allow them.
And she liked kissing him in front of people. It made her feel seen, and validated, and like her own person instead of just the Hatsune's perfect, cute daughter.
All of these things were wonderful … but she didn’t
feel
anything. Her chest didn’t flutter like it did when she kissed Gumi. She didn’t lose herself and forget to be embarrassed by any noises or movements like she did when she kissed Luka.
She pulled away. Their lips made a wet smacking sound as they parted. Had she done that with Gumi and Luka? If she had, she didn’t notice it.
“Wow.” Meiko’s voice cut through the air. For a moment, Miku was concerned that the brunette woman had taken offense to her — well, making out with her boyfriend, not to put too fine a point on it. But when she turned, the woman was wearing a small smile, her cheeks slightly flushed.
“That was hot as
fuck
.”
Kaito gave a grin. It was a cute grin, Miku realized, sweet and charming and everything she was supposed to like. Why hadn’t she liked kissing him? Was it like Luka said? Was she a lesbian who was just socially trained to find men attractive?
Somehow, she didn’t think that was it. She swore that she had found men attractive before. But kissing Kaito had managed to make her feel more confused, not less.
She was still mulling it over, hours later, back in her dorm room. Then Gumi was pressing her lips in little hummingbird pecks along her neck, and she decided to focus on what she did know she liked for a while.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“So, I don’t know … I liked kissing him, but I didn’t like kissing
him
. You know what I mean? Of course you don’t know what I mean. I’m not making any sense.”
Miku pressed her hands over her eyes, heaving a rather large sigh. It was nice to be able to talk this out, surrounded by the frankly absurd number of pillows that Rin had stuffed onto her bed, but she didn’t feel like she was any closer to the answer she was looking for. Maybe Gumi was right. Maybe there was no answer for her, no label that would sum up her feelings neatly. The thought made her chest feel hollow and empty.
Rin, laying on her stomach next to Miku, reached out and patted her on the head. “Well? Do you think that you don’t like Kaito because he’s a boy, or …?”
“I don’t know,” Miku sighed. “I don’t think so, though. Like, I’m pretty sure that I’ve definitely had feelings for guys before. You remember Bruno, don’t you?”
“The exchange student you had a crush on junior year, yeah,” Rin said.
“Right, right. I keep thinking, trying to figure out if maybe I just convinced myself that I had a crush on him because he was cute and nice and always joked around with me and we flirted and stuff, but? I’m pretty sure my feelings for him were genuine. And … Kaito reminds me of Bruno in a lot of ways, but I don’t feel anything even remotely like that for him.”
Rin propped her chin up in her hands. “Do you think it’s because you know he’s dating someone else …?”
Miku frowned, staring at the ceiling. After a moment of internal debate, she said, “No, I don’t think so? If that were the case … I wouldn’t feel the way I do about Gumi and Luka, right?”
There was a long moment of silence, and Miku had no idea how to break it. “... That makes sense, I guess,” Rin finally said. “Well then, what do you think makes Gumi and Luka different from Kaito?”
Miku thought about it for a moment. “I guess it’s just … I know Gumi and Luka,” she finally said. “I can’t just … look at someone and immediately have a crush on them. Like, when I first moved in with Gumi, I thought she was pretty and nice, but I didn’t have feelings for her. If I had tried kissing her on that first day, I probably wouldn’t have felt anything for her at all. Same with Luka.”
She turned on her side so that she was facing Rin. The expression on her face was … hard to read. Was Rin judging her? Miku hugged a pillow self-consciously to her chest. “That’s … not normal, is it? I’m overthinking it, or something.”
Rin’s expression softened immediately. “There is no
normal
, silly.” She poked Miku on the forehead for emphasis. “Anyways, if that’s it … there’s a word for that.”
Miku’s eyes widened, and she sat up. “Really?”
Rin pushed herself up, curling her legs under her in a sitting position. “Yeah. Demisexual. It means that you’re not attracted to someone unless you form an emotional connection with them, first. And you can add on a label to it, if you want, if you’re only attracted to certain genders. In your case, from what you’ve told me, you’d probably be demi-bi or demi-pan. But that’s a pretty personal choice that only you can figure out."
Warmth bloomed unexpectedly in Miku’s chest. Everything that Rin was saying resonated with her. She knew she’d be doing some furious googling later. “I don’t want to rush to declare myself as something until I know for sure, but …” She was embarrassed to hear that her voice was getting a little choked up. “That sounds … exactly like me. Thank you, Rin.”
Rin smiled and pulled her in for a hug. “I’m glad you’re finally figuring things out, Miku,” she said. “I’m so proud of you.”
Miku wrapped her arms around the smaller girl, holding her tight. It occurred to her, quite suddenly, that if she really was this —
demisexual
— and that she was attracted to people she had an emotional connection to, well … Rin was the person that she had the deepest emotional connection with. She had known Rin since she was 6. And their friendship had given her so much over the years, such comfort ... such love.
But then again, maybe the realization wasn’t that sudden at all. Maybe she’d always known.
The moment she thought that, Rin pulled away. Their cheeks brushed against each other. And it would have been so, so easy to lean forward, to press their lips together. It would have felt like the most natural thing. In truth, Miku had imagined doing so for years, at sleepovers, in study hall, during calm hang out sessions. And every time, she had pushed it down, brushed it off, worried what her parents would think.
She was less concerned about that now, but … she had known Rin since she was six. If Rin wasn’t straight, surely she would have said something. Especially now that Miku was being more open about her own sexuality.
If Rin hadn’t come out by now, it must have meant that she didn’t
need
to.
Rin continued pulling away, and Miku let her. Her heart was beating hard in her chest, and she hoped Rin hadn’t noticed when they hugged.
“I’m glad you got this off your chest, Miku,” Rin said. “You know that if you need to talk about anything else, you can tell me anything.”
Miku picked up the pillow she had discarded and hugged it to her chest again, just a bit harder than before. “I know,” Miku said softly, so that her voice wouldn’t tremble. She was being silly. She had so many people here for her. She had Gumi and Luka willing to indulge her, was she really so selfish that she wanted more?
Her friendship with Rin was precious. Despite the rapid pace of her heartbeat, she really believed that. She was not bitter or angry or even sad.
Just … a little curious, about what it would feel like. That much was allowed, wasn't it?
“I know,” she said again, pushing those thoughts from her mind. “Thank you, Rin.”