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Goooood morning! This is a podcast in which I, Thuy, and my buddy Roger.
Hello! -dig up the most god-awful football games in the history of civilization, because we hate and love you even more, this week.
We really do. Today, we have an extra special episode for you. Our buddy, Jupiter Icy
Moons Explorer, or JUICE, has shit taste in football. Worse than my millennial grandmas out there.
Ha ha!
Okay, that joke I made was bad. Real bad.
Not as bad as today’s choice of Garbage Football!
TENNIS FOOTBALL
Holy shit, is this stuff bad!
Just HOW BAD can it be? Is it worse than Game 27??
Roger, my buddy
We all know,
That Game Motherfuckin 27 is a masterpiece on its own. We only speak of its ongoing legacy in its greatness, no else.
You’re right Thuy. Now, ARE WE READY FOR THE WORST GAME OF OUR
IMMORTAL LIVES
NOPE
LET'S DO THIS
Okay, let’s get into the explanation.
Alright. This is Tennis Football. There's only two games that ever existed of this particular sport, and they’re still going on! Somehow. There’s two different versions of them though. Tennis Football, and Football Tennis. Both are ABSOLUTE messes though.
They’re hot messes, Thuy.
They sure are, Buddo.
The premises of both games are pretty similar, though. Both combine the rules of tennis, AND football. A classic American sport crossover.
Why are there two different games then? Tennis Football and vise versa?
Oh boy, let me tell ya why, friend! Tennis Football uses football shaped tennis balls. BUT T
HEY’RE MOTHERFUCKIN FOOTBALL SIZED.
[wheezing laughter]
ohhh nooo
Oh yesssss. It gets better. There’s no net, but instead two end posts on the ends of the tennis court. That’s right, it is tennis court sized, with regular football sized end posts. You have to get the ball to bounce into the opponent’s goal, and keep the ball out of your goal.
[laughter]
God, fuck, why
The biggest problem about this, is that they have to follow the rules of a traditional tennis court, so they have to stay inside the allies, or else, they’re out.
Hope you can leap into the fucking sky!
Its fucking bullshit! The rules are bullshit.
Ladies and Gentlemen, after 20 episodes of no rage, Roger is
mad
at a game and I can see why!
[laughter]
You know, I thought at this point in the game reviews, I thought I would be beyond this
point. This game, oh man, this game.
A hotter mess than Lady Gaga’s performance at Mandalay Bay, 3792 years after her debut??
Yes, a hotter mess than Lady Gaga’s performance in 5797.
Oh my god.
You haven’t heard the worst of it. YOU REALLY HAVEN’T.
Oh no.
[wheezing laughter]
[desk slamming noises intensify, distant laughter and the sound of someone standing
up.]
Roger, EXPLAIN.
[giggling, now closer and hysterical]
Okay, okay.
Now we have Football Tennis.
[wheeze]
Take a regular football team and regular sized field. End zones are normal, no net.
Sounds good so far, scared where it might go though.
Yeah, classic football, right?
Sure.
[laughs]
Except the ball is a tennis ball.
No. They did not.
They did, and hundreds of people showed up in the stadium to watch, too.
The ball,
[wheeze]
the BALL.
The ball is made of pigskin.
NOOOO
YEAH. Yup, the ball is this tiny ass, pig skinned lil shit. They have to use the rackets too.
How? How are you supposed to use
rackets
in this kind of situation?
I don’t know
what
they were expecting, but these ball don’t bounce! The football-ball
material doesn’t allow them to bounce, so they just have to hit
really hard
.
Oh my god, why?? Why did they think this was a good idea??
We don’t know. And the real question is, why is it going on for so long? Hundreds of people still tune in and show up to the stadiums. For both of those games!
[wheezing laughter]
I think we killed Thuy, folks. The first death since 2026.
[wheeze]
Immortality: eight billion, humanity: one!
Shit, I’m too sober for this.
Rog!
[laughter]
It’s 10 in the goddamn morning!
I think this is good for this episode, it’s deteriorated enough! Thanks for tuning to this wild ride
of a Garbage Football podcast.
[hysterical laughter] Thanks for tuning in! If anyone wants a follow-up episode to this one about both Tennis Football and Football Tennis, please comment, or shoot us an email.
Lookin at you, Juice.
Juice, my dude, We don’t understand why you like this shit, maybe you can come on next ep to explain exactly what the fuck
[laughter]
this mess is.
Have a great morning, folks. We’ll be back Tuesday, and don’t forget, premium subscribers will get a bonus episode on Friday. I’m Roger.
And I’m Thuy! Peace.