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Five year old Dongwoon clutched his mom’s hand as they wandered down the aisles of the small supermarket. She loaded the hand basket with fresh produce and meat for that night’s dinner, and Dongwoon was disinterestedly staring at the colorful packages lining the shelves. He didn’t care for this—shopping was boring. Until he and his mommy passed the frozen food section. Dongwoon froze, little feet stuttering across the linoleum floor for a minute before his mom noticed his frozen posture. “Mom,” he said, eyes wide at the frozen treats laid out. “Mom, I want ice cream.” His mom rolled her eyes at his over-reaction. She tugged his sticky hand on past the aisle. “Not today, Wonnie,” she said, conversation already out of her mind. But it wasn’t out of Dongwoon’s mind. He wanted it. More than anything. “Mom!” he pleaded, every bone in his body crying for the icy treat. “Mom I really, really want ice cream! Mom I want it, please!” “Dongwoon!” his mom snapped, stopping and facing her son. “We aren’t getting ice cream and your attitude is not helping you get anything else today, either!” Dongwoon’s eyes welled. His lip quivered. Instead of bending to his will, his mom sighed irritably and continued walking. Dongwoon pouted. He sulked. He kicked the floor of the store. He wished, with every fiber in his being, that his mom would get him ice cream. He magically hoped in the car on the way home that she’d stop at a store. He stared hopefully at the grocery bags as she unpacked the food into the kitchen to see if she’d somehow snuck it in the cart when he wasn’t looking. There was no ice cream. He forgot about the incident, as most little kids do, but Dongwoon was left with a subconscious desire to have someone, anyone in his life, grant his inner wish. **** He wasn’t asking for too much, just someone to read his mind, discover what he wanted without ever hinting or vocalizing a peep, and then act upon it. Okay, so it was kind of setting high standards, but Dongwoon was unperturbed. That’s all he really wanted. Just one thing. That’s not too outlandish. Even if the chances are next to impossible. ***** Eight year old Dongwoon played on a grassy field with three of his best friends. Yoseob, grinny and chubby cheeked, ran in circles around Dongwoon and Jinwoon, currently battling it out for the soccer ball between their feet. Key was lying in a patch of grass a bit away, watching the activity disinterestedly. “Can we go color now?” Key asked, huffing as his hands violently tugged up tufts of grass. He’d rather be drawing than getting sweaty on a stupid field. The others chose to ignore his whining, and Key groaned angrily before rolling around in a mini temper tantrum. Dongwoon was waiting. She normally showed up on days like this. She went to his school, and Dongwoon sat across from her in class and loaned her his eraser. She wore her hair in a headband and never stopped talking. She told so many stories. Dongwoon chose to stay quiet, just smiling and listening while fiddling with something in his hand. When she finally came across the field Dongwoon stopped playing and let Jinwoon run ahead, cackling with his perceived victory. He instead walked over to her, scratching his head and tugging at his shorts nervously. “Eungyung,” he said, high voice embarrassingly quiet. She looked at him and smiled. “Hi Dongwoon,” she said, and her voice sounded like flowers. They sat on the grass and pointed out cloud shapes for a while. They were sitting so close. Hold my hand, Dongwoon thought, staring intently at their palms mere centimeters away from each other. Hold it, hold it, hold it. Please. Please hold it. Eungyung got up suddenly, brushed at her butt to get any grass off, and chirped a happy “goodbye!” at him. Dongwoon must have missed her words before that declaration. But his hand tingled in disappointment for half an hour. **** Ten year old Dongwoon watched his dad packing his bags. His mom left the house after they fought. Dongwoon had been hiding in his room. He didn’t want to hear them fighting. But he wished he had listened so he knew where his father was going. “Dad?” Dongwoon asked, peeking in from the doorway. Dongwoon’s dad kept folding up shirts and placing them in his black suitcase. “Yeah, Won?” His dad asked, eyes fixed on his hands. “Dad where are you going?” Dongwoon shifted on his feet. “Wonnie, I…” his dad sniffed and turned his back to him, staring intently at the ceiling. What was so interesting? Dongwoon looked but didn’t see anything. His Dad looked back and walked over to his son, standing nervously in the doorway. “Wonnie, I’m going to live somewhere else. But I’ll still see you all the time, okay?” Dongwoon blinked. “Why?” That was stupid. Why would his Dad live somewhere else? He and mom were right here. His dad looked tired, and Dongwoon stared at him as he knelt to his knees and tugged Dongwoon into his chest. “Mom and I don’t want to live together anymore, Wonnie.” “Is it my fault?” Dongwoon asked, beginning to cry into his Dad’s shoulders. “No! Never. None of this is your fault, Wonnie. Mom and I love you very much. You need to understand this, okay?” Dongwoon nodded and pressed his teary face against his dad’s shirt. He smelled like cinnamon. Don’t leave. Dongwoon thought, clutching at his Dad’s shirt. Don’t leave, as his dad clicked the locks on his suitcase. Don’t leave as his dad pressed one last kiss to his forehead. Don’t leave as he started the car. Later Dongwoon would understand that his parents got a divorce, and as his mom cried at the kitchen table that night, he wished more than anything that his dad would come back. Just walk through the door. Surprise her. Hug her like how he used to. Dongwoon wished his Dad would come back while he was sleeping. He fantasized about his Dad being at the kitchen table the next morning. Dongwoon woke up in the morning and ran into the kitchen. He came to a halt when his mother, red-eyed and in her pink bathrobe, looked up from the table, a coffee cup clutched in her ring-less hand. **** There was this boy in his class. Fifteen year old Dongwoon didn’t know why he made his heart pound. But every day he came to class with side-swept hair and a careless smile. His name was Mir and he was from the country. He had a funny accent that most kids laughed at. Dongwoon thought it was cute. Mir had bright eyes and a loud voice. Dongwoon became one of his best friends. He took Mir into his group and soon it was like Mir had been with them since diapers. He punched Jinwoon, ran around with Yoseob, and chatted with Key. He played games with Dongwoon and spent the night at his house. They made a fort like children and talked about soccer. Dongwoon realized he like-liked Mir. And then life became exceedingly complicated. Every move because analyzed, every action mulled over at nights before he fell asleep. Mir smelled good and today he said his hair was cute. Mir threw his arm around Jinwoon’s shoulders and not his. Mir tugged his arm as they ran to the arcade. Mir looked at Key more than him today, what did that mean? Mir sat next to him in class…the list went on and on. Dongwoon felt like a girl and tried to remain cool. What Dongwoon failed to take into account during his fantasies was that Mir very much liked girls. During the days it was a slap to the face at times, but at night Dongwoon let himself pretend it was him versus his other guy friends for Mir’s affections. It wasn’t like Mir was meeting girls, anyway. He was always with them. Until one day he wasn’t. Dongwoon wished he could unsee Mir sucking the face of some petite girl behind the gym. But things don’t quite happen like that. What did happen was Dongwoon “eeped” and dropped his books, thus drawing the attention of the two lovebirds. The girl blushed, properly embarrassed, but Mir just grinned that grin and waved. Dongwoon blushed to the roots of his hair and he bustled to pick up all his books, trying to fight the burn in his eyes. He smiled and rushed off. That night he lay in bed and wished Mir would show up. He wanted Mir to come and apologize and say that he saw Dongwoon when kissing the other girl and suddenly he didn’t want anyone else. He wanted Mir to confess and say he was in love with Dongwoon the whole time but “didn’t know what to say” and then they could go to school the next day and hold hands… The next day Mir sat next to her in class instead. **** Not to say his life was one depressing thing after another. Despite shuffling off to spend time with his Dad every few weekends, Dongwoon was doing normal teenage things and having fun and enjoying his friends. He did fine in school and played soccer and got along well with his mom. He just didn’t really think about finding someone to read his mind when he was content. There was nothing he really wanted. Dongwoon decided that it was only when he really wanted it, when it meant the world to him that he was let down. Maybe that’s just how life was. **** Kikwang and Dongwoon dated for years. Kikwang helped him come out to his parents. He and Kikwang faced the brunt of the school’s anger together when they first went public. Kikwang hugged him and made him blush and smelled like strawberries. They did classic amusement park dates and aquarium dates and dinner movie combinations. They cuddled on the couch and snuggled on the bed. Kikwang was his first kiss, his first fight, his first make-up. Kikwang was his first blowjob and his first lover. They dated for two years in high school, meeting their junior year when Kikwang transferred to his class. They began dating almost immediately after securing friendship. It was great and Jinwoon constantly harassed Dongwoon for being married at such a young age. And for the most part it was fine until they graduated, when the serious conversations came out and the immaturity still clung onto the age eighteen. They both saw the end in sight but were too afraid to let it go. It resulted into an explosive summer of fighting and crying. Dongwoon wanted to make it work. Kikwang thought it was only realistic that they’d break up anyway. Long distance dating was only ruining future opportunities in a new town with new friends. It was hard work. They were too young to really fight to make it work. They broke up a hot afternoon in Dongwoon’s kitchen. They sat at the kitchen table, the same one his mother sat at all those years ago clutching her coffee. Dongwoon was crying and Kikwang was trying not to. Change your mind, Dongwoon was begging silently to the shorter man sitting across from him. Change your mind and tell me you love me. Kikwang shifted in his chair. “I’m really…” he swallowed, “going to miss you, Wonnie.” Dongwoon cleared his throat. “Yeah.” Change your mind, Kiki. They stood up. Dongwoon walked him to the door. Kikwang turned around and pressed a soft kiss to Dongwoon’s lips. “I’ll see you around,” and he was gone. **** Twenty year old Dongwoon felt light-years older than eighteen year old Dongwoon. He had two years of college under his belt and the world at his fingertips. He had flings and pulled all-nighters. And most of all, he had a part time job. Working at an ice cream parlor was about as magical as he thought it’d be. Granted, he did get a little sick of the sweet-smelling confection after an eight hour shift, but he loved that most people getting ice cream were always so happy. How could you not be happy getting ice cream? It’s ice cream. Either way, Dongwoon was quite happy with the little shop he worked at. And since it was winter, the crowds were few and far between. Dongwoon often had ample time to pull out his homework and work on it behind the counter. One day the winter wind blew in a bundled college student named Doojoon. Doojoon was tall, with thin eyes and lips and hair like a pop star. He wore sparkly earrings and a tailored pea coat that made him look like a cool city man. Dongwoon was stunned but even more so when the handsome man struck up a conversation with him over his textbook propped up on the counter. They met for coffee a week later in the union coffee shop. And Doojoon made his intentions clear by buying him coffee, placing a hand on his, and flicking dark eyes to his lips during conversation. By the end of their coffee date Dongwoon was so flustered he practically tripped over his feet getting up from his chair. Of course Doojoon caught him. Of course he did. **** Mir showed him that not all hopes can be realized; his parents destroyed his faith in love; Kikwang taught him that people aren’t willing to fight for what they want; college made him realize all this knowledge was useless unless everyone else knew it too. Doojoon. Doojoon took his assumptions and broke them down one by one. Doojoon, with all his perfection and charm, took a liking to Dongwoon. A year in, Doojoon had Dongwoon yelling from public buildings that he was in love (no really, he did. It was embarrassing). Two years in, Doojoon grabbed Dongwoon by the waist and threatened to glue his mouth shut if he ever mentioned leaving him after college. That night he made Dongwoon dinner and asked him to move in. Three years in, a twenty-three year old Dongwoon stood before his kneeling boyfriend who was proffering a shiny ring in his palm. Twenty-three year old Dongwoon suddenly had a panic attack and sprinted wordlessly out of the apartment. ****
Oh my god, what am I…WHAT ARE YOU DOING SON DONGWOON, YOU TURN AROUND RIGHT NOW AND GO BACK IN THAT BUILDING AND TELL THAT MAN “YES!!”
Dongwoon ran out the apartment, stumbled down the stairs and flew into the street. His heart was pounding. Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod……. The chant thrummed repeatedly with his pounding feet on the pavement and Dongwoon tore his way to the nearby playground. He collapsed in a sweaty heap into a swing and panted. Why did I run away, stupid, stupid, stupid… he remembered Doojoon’s startled face as he rose to his feet and fled the apartment. It’s cold and I didn’t grab a sweater. Hell, I’m not even wearing shoes! With the realization came a burning pain in his feet. Dongwoon knew why he ran. He was afraid—afraid of repeating the failed marriage of his parents, afraid of Doojoon discovering someone better (as ridiculous as that was. Doojoon had been with him faithfully for three years.) As fears ran through his head, some more outlandish than others, Dongwoon managed to refute each and every reason that he should deny his happiness. He wanted to be with Doojoon forever. He loved him. And he just ran out of the apartment, probably effectively breaking his lover’s heart. He felt tears prick the corner of his eyes shamefully. But now Dongwoon was too embarrassed to go back to the apartment he and his lover shared and apologize. It was shameful, but he didn’t want to explain to Doojoon why he was such a coward. Find me, he begged, crying into his hands. Find me and tell me you forgive me and then I’ll say I love you and you’ll say ‘I love you too’ and then you’ll hold me and we’ll go back home and you’ll rub my feet.
Find me. Find me. Find me. Come get me.
Breathing behind him. ***** Doojoon stood there, a jacket clutched in one hand and Dongwoon’s shoes in another. His face was flushed from the cold. ***** Dongwoon’s eyes widened. ***** “I found you.” ***** That night, Doojoon rubbed the pain out of Dongwoon’s feet. *****