Work Text
One thing that Jiho always loved, was the smell of paint. He never opens the window while he works, it helps him fully immerse himself in the work. The paint he is using is non-toxic, but Namjoon always complains that he is going to poison himself and die surrounded by his own art. Jiho can’t imagine a better way to go, but he doesn’t share his thoughts with Namjoon, who would probably book him an appointment with a therapist. He has done a fair share of therapy and doesn’t want a repeat. As pompous as it might sound, art is his therapy. He always felt drawn to it, even as a child, but his family discouraged it, because they couldn’t see any money in being an artist. They were poor, and dreaming isn’t for poor people, so he doesn’t blame them. It would have been easier to have a supportive family, but he managed on his own, which makes him incredibly proud. He isn’t exactly worldwide famous yet, but his paintings and graphics sell well enough for him to live a more than comfortable life. He can afford a fancy car and a house, it’s more than he ever dared to hope for.
Paints were his first love, so when he retches while opening a new tube of French ultramarine, he feels betrayed. He rushes to the bathroom, barely managing to get inside before he is throwing up, aiming for the sink.
“What the fuck,” he mumbles to himself, between the bouts of nausea. Once he thinks he is done, he tries to paint again, but he doesn’t even get to squeeze the paint out before he is sick again. It’s hopeless. Instead, he opens the window to air the room and decides to sketch something in the living room. He needs two more paintings for his next exhibition, but he doesn’t have to rush just yet. One day off won’t hurt.
He doesn’t think much about the sudden illness, until he tries to make coffee the next day and almost throws up again. He isn’t a real coffee connoisseur, but he always liked the smell of it. He puts the tin away, goes out to the nearest drugstore and comes back with three pregnancy tests. All three come out positive, and Jiho doesn’t know how he feels about it yet, but he knows he should tell his partner before he freaks out. Or gets excited about the baby, whichever happens first.
The only problem is that these days, Namjoon is rarely ever home. He is the owner of a very successful advertising agency, but this is not why he hasn’t been home lately. He has a new assistant, Park Jimin, whom he seems to taken with a little too much. Jiho is sure that they are not having sex, Namjoon is an open book to him, so he would be able to tell if they were, but he doesn’t know how long will it be, before it finally happens. Jiho isn’t usually one to sit back and wait, he tried discussing it with his boyfriend, but Namjoon denied everything. He even tried to be a better boyfriend, whatever that means, but it’s a little difficult when your partner is never there and doesn’t give you any hints as to what’s missing.
One night, Jiho tries to wait up, but he falls asleep after midnight and wakes up right before three in the morning, when Namjoon stumbles into the house and bumps into something. He tries to be quiet, but it’s not really his forte. He is the clumsiest person Jiho knows. When he finally reaches their bedroom, Jiho is ready.
“I have something to tell you,” he says, only to be immediately interrupted.
“Not now, Jiho, I’m exhausted.”
And drunk, Jiho thinks bitterly. Drinking with his employees is always a good excuse to spend more time with Jimin.
“It’s really important.”
“We will talk about it later, don’t be annoying.”
Later never comes, like Jiho knew it wouldn’t. Namjoon is gone before he wakes up, comes home too tired to talk. Day after day, he hears the same excuse and decides that, if Namjoon doesn’t want to listen, then he is not going to tell him at all. He will wait and see when his boyfriend notices the changes, if he will stay long enough for Jiho’s flat belly to swell with their baby.
He still doesn’t know if he is happy about this turn of events, but he can’t have an abortion, couldn’t have one even if it was legal, so he makes an appointment with a doctor and learns that he is about month and a half pregnant. Which he could have guessed himself, since this is how much time passed since he’s been intimate with Namjoon. He gets prescribed some diet supplements, because he is slightly underweight and, more importantly, gets the ultrasound photo. It doesn’t look like much, obviously, doesn’t resemble a baby yet – if anything, it’s like he has a large peanut in his stomach, but Yukwon’s excited screaming can probably be heard by the whole street, when Jiho shows it to him. And that’s through Skype, because Yukwon is in Japan. Kyung also seems happy, but he doesn’t make any wild noises, probably because it’s a little later in Australia than it is in Japan and Korea.
“So is Namjoon spoiling you rotten already?” Kwon asks, and Jiho suddenly remembers that he was living out his dream when his friends left the country. He never told them about his worries because he was afraid they would come back, if only to scream at Namjoon. Yukwon is a dancer and a teacher, and he went to Japan two months ago, after being offered a sweet - if only temporary, teaching position in one of the best Japanese dance schools. Kyung, on the other hand, went to Australia to become even richer than he already is, but Jiho doesn’t even pretend to understand what his friend does. All he knows is that it has something to do with robots.
“About that. Promise me not to book the earliest flight to Korea.”
His friends simultaneously roll their eyes, reminding him that they are far more similar than they would ever admit.
“What did this little bitch do?” Yukwon likes Namjoon well enough, but he is overprotective when it comes to Jiho.
“I’m pretty sure he has a crush on his assistant.”
“He is cheating on you?!” even Kyung’s voice is raised now.
“No… I mean, he isn’t fucking him, but they’ve been spending a lot of time together. I tried telling him, but I wanted… I wanted it to feel special, and he kept ignoring me, so I gave up.”
“But how do you know? You hardly ever visit him at work?”
“Oh, Taehyung sends me pictures. He isn’t stalking them or anything, but they usually go out together as a team. Apparently, Namjoon and Jimin always sit together, sometimes they even get a separate table.”
Talking about it is harder than he expected. He thought about it a lot, but it seemed almost unreal. Until now. Until he had to say it out loud. He can feel his eyes beginning to burn, meaning he is going to start crying soon.
“Isn’t Taehyung the guy who tried to grope you the first time you’ve met? And who would probably drop everything just to fuck you? How do you know he isn’t lying?”
“Because he might be best at what he does, and he might want to fuck me, but he also knows that Namjoon will fire him, if he just makes this shit up. Besides, he just emails the evidence to me, doesn’t ever try to contact me directly.”
“Look, I can be in Korea in four hours.”
“Yukwon, no! It’s my problem, I will deal with it alone.”
“But you don’t have to! We are your friends, we want to help.”
Jiho smiles at the dancer and shakes his head, “I know you do. But there is nothing you can do, is there? If he doesn’t love me anymore...”
“You should let Taehyung fuck you all over the house,” it’s a very Kyung thing to say, and Jiho has to laugh, even though he would never touch the younger man.He has to use a face mask to paint, and it’s a little cold with the window wide open, but at least he is working. That’s the most important thing. He needs something to focus on, if he wants to get through this. He already feels different, even if his body looks exactly the same. He gets tired more easily and his day starts with throwing up. Sometimes, it ends with it too. Namjoon isn’t there to see it. He makes one last, feeble attempt to tell his boyfriend, but the younger man snaps at him rudely, and that’s enough for him.
Jiho loses himself in what he does best, reverting to his old habits of not sleeping and working too much. Sometimes, he is still working when Namjoon comes back, and in the past the other man used to come to him to see what he is working on. To coax him to bed, because there is only this long you can go on three hours of sleep a day. But Namjoon doesn’t care anymore, so Jiho works and works, and works until he can’t see straight, producing far more paintings than he used to. They aren’t bad either, he almost thinks they are his best work. So does the owner of a gallery exhibiting his works. Yongguk does not only own three of the major galleries in South Korea, but he is an artist himself, so Jiho trusts his judgment above everything else.
“Jiho, can you come to the gallery later today? Or tomorrow morning? There is something I need to talk to you about,” Yongguk calls him the day after he delivered the last piece, and he immediately drops everything, because he would rather know early if something is wrong.
Yongguk looks as handsome as ever in his black, two piece Balmain suit, and Jiho thinks it would be so much easier to be with him. If only the older man wasn’t aromantic. And asexual. Jiho doesn’t really want him, but he knows it would be easier, if only because of their shared love of art, and the fact that Jiho would always be the younger one. It shouldn’t matter, but it does when your partner...
“I saw the last painting you sent, and...” Yongguk stops to stare at him, confused look on his face. “Are you pregnant?”
“How..? I’m not even showing yet?”
“You are holding yourself a little differently, and your face is slightly swollen. My sister was the same when she was pregnant. Are you okay? Do you want to keep the baby? Because if you don’t, I can get you a very discreet doctor to help.”
“What? What makes you think I’m not okay?”
“I suppose it answers my questions. Come with me.”
Jiho follows the older man into another room. It’s completely empty, except for the painting he finished three days ago.
“I was surprised when I saw it the first time. You are known for your bright, vibrant colours, so I thought you were trying something different, experimenting with darker shades,” Yongguk keeps his eyes on the black and white painting. “At first I was thrilled to see this, it’s definitely your best work so far, but now I’m worried. It’s because you aren’t happy, isn’t it?”
“But it’s not because of the baby,” is all he manages to say.
“Alright, I think we should grab some tea after we are done here. Work comes first,” Yongguk flashes him a quick, gummy smile that for some reason makes him feel slightly better. “I think we should split your exhibition into two rooms, but only if you could deliver more works like this one. We will move the opening date, I don’t want to pressure you into anything, especially now. One room would be for your earlier works, alive and bursting with colours, and the other for your current paintings. Darker, gloomier, you know what I mean.”
“I’ve been creating a lot. Sadness is good for me, apparently. I think we can do it.”
“Great! We could give them different names too, I was thinking about using the titles of your works. Would you mind if we called it ‘Artist’ and ‘Anti’?”
Jiho is nodding even before Yongguk finishes speaking. He can already imagine how great it’s going to be, how powerful. Already feels the excitement coursing through his veins. It’s going to be perfect. No matter how messed up his personal life is, he is going to have something to be proud of.
Yongguk takes him to a small, elegant coffee shop owned by his friend, who has the most beautiful nose Jiho has ever seen. It’s not something one would usually mention, but recently he’s been looking at different noses, wondering which would suit him best. Himchan’s nose is perfectly straight, but Jiho really likes Yukwon’s nose too, it would look more natural on him.
He’s known Yongguk for years, but he never thought he would end up spilling his guts over decaf caramel latte and chocolate muffins, telling the older man absolutely every little detail of his personal life. He doesn’t even notice that Himchan joined them, until there are two strong arms hugging him tightly. He should pull away, but he is touch-starved enough to allow it. He didn’t let himself think about it before, but now that someone is touching him, he doesn’t want it to stop.
“In any other situation I’d advise you to talk with him, but you already tried. I can’t believe he didn’t notice anything, surely your stomach isn’t as flat as it used to be.”
“It might be slightly swollen, but he doesn’t touch me anymore.”
“And you don’t want to leave him?”
“I know it’s stupid. I know I should break up with him, or at least threaten to do so. But we’ve been together for six years, and whether it means anything to him or not, I still love him. If I could stop, just snap out of it, I would, but this is not how it works. But it’s our birthday next week, so maybe celebrating it together will give me a chance to talk with him.”
They always celebrate their birthdays together, even though they don’t really share the birth date. There are only two days between their birthdays, so throwing two parties would be pointless, especially since Jiho isn’t one for big parties. He has already invited all of their friends and texted Namjoon the time he has to be home for the party. The fact that he has to text his boyfriend, with whom he lives, is so ridiculous, that he refuses to think about it.
He doesn’t invite Jimin. He wants to see the guy in real life, but they’ve never met, so reaching out to him would be too awkward. Besides, Namjoon didn’t mention wanting to invite any work friends. Jiho doesn’t even know if Jimin is aware of his existence. They aren’t married, so there are no rings to wear, but even that would be easy to hide.
Jiho doesn’t hate Jimin. He hates the situation he found himself in because of the younger man, but he knows Namjoon is the one at fault. He just wishes it made things easier.
Whatever he naively thought would happen at the party, doesn’t happen. Namjoon is three hours late. Party is already in full swing, some of the guests already quite drunk when he finally arrives. Jiho felt like crap the whole day, so he is sitting on a couch with Yongguk and Dongwook keeping him company, waiting. Taehyung texted him earlier to tell him that Namjoon left with Jimin, but his boyfriend comes home late and alone. Of course he does, he spent three hours with Jimin, probably drinking and flirting, and now he came to fulfill his duties.
Their friends greet him loudly, and Namjoon eagerly joins them. He doesn’t even come up to Jiho, obviously avoiding him. Jiho stands up, unable to bear another minute of it, and stumbles. He would fall, if it wasn’t for Dongwook’s quick reaction. His friend almost carries him to the bedroom, where they spend the rest of the evening. In silence, because this is how their friendship works. They don’t have to talk all the time but, just like with Kyung, Jiho can’t remember the time Dongwook wasn’t there for him.
Yongguk comes around two to tell them that most of the guests left and offers to clean up. Usually, Jiho wouldn’t agree, but he is exhausted and falls asleep right after Dongwook says he will help as well.
He wakes up when Namjoon’s alarm goes off, something that hasn’t happen in a while. Namjoon must have been really drunk to forget to put his phone under the pillow, like he usually does. Jiho feels bloated and sick, but he offers Namjoon a sleepy smile when the younger man looks at him.
“I was thinking that we could eat breakfast together since, technically, it’s my birthday now.”
“I’d love to, but I promised Jimin I will give him a lift since his car is broken.”
“Any particular reason he can’t use the tube?”
“Come on, Ji, you know how inconvenient it is.”
“Really? It’s ‘inconvenient’? Interesting. You know what? You can stay with Jimin tonight. You can even fuck him, you have my blessing.”
“What? Don’t be fucking ridiculous.”
Jiho continues to smile, “I’m not joking. I will call the police if you come back tonight. Fuck him, or not, I don’t give a damn anymore, but don’t you fucking dare come home.”
Namjoon tries to touch him, but Jiho slaps his hand away. It’s not playful, he is on the verge of crying, but he will damned if Namjoon sees his tears. He watches the younger man get ready, watches him stop to say something, and then he watches him leave without a word. His fingers find his left wrist, and he scratches there, leaving bright red welts on the sensitive skin. At least he doesn’t cry again.Namjoon returns two days later, claiming he didn’t fuck Jimin, that he would never fuck around on him, but Jiho doesn’t care.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When the doorbell rings, he doesn’t expect to see Taehyung standing on the other side of the door. The younger man has never done this before, so it’s quite a surprise.
“Namjoon is still at work, and I wanted to check if you are alright, with everything that’s going on.”
They aren’t friends, Taehyung’s crush on him makes it impossible for them to be, but Jiho appreciates his dedication. He invites him inside, forgetting that he is wearing a flimsy tank top and a pair of old sweats. Recently, it’s his go-to attire if he doesn’t have to go out. Which he doesn’t, most of the time.
“You are pregnant!” Tae exclaims.
‘So it is noticeable, if one is really looking,’ Jiho thinks bitterly, but says, “Yeah, Namjoon doesn’t know.”
“How can he not know?”
“It’s a bit complicated. I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell him, he is bound to notice sooner or later.”
“Of course, it’s your baby, I’m not going to tell anyone. Do you have everything for it already? Clothes? Diapers?”
“No, I was going to go shopping, but I keep putting it off.”
“Alright then, let’s go, I will drive. It’s better to start buying things early, so you have more time to think about what you need.”
He realizes he must look even worse than he thought he did, because Tae seems determined to get him out of the house. He is also right, so Jiho doesn’t try to argue. It seems to be a theme recently, he used to be self-sufficient and bossy, but now he just lets others make decisions for him. Taehyung helps him pick out the cutest rompers, toys, bottles and everything else he will sooner or later need, then forces him to shop for pregnancy clothes. Jiho is quite sure his tracksuit bottoms will be enough, but Tae insists, so he chooses few pairs of jeans and shirts. He finds it a little weird when the younger man follows him into the changing room, but they are both men, so it’s not a problem.
He tries on the first pair of jeans, which is still too big, but there are fake bellies to help check the fit. It’s a weird feeling, and he isn’t sure he likes it.
“I’m going to be pretty fat, huh,” he murmurs mostly to himself, then he asks, “Do you think I should fix my nose?”
“Nose? Why? There is nothing wrong with your nose, hyung.”
“It’s huge. Jimin has a cute nose.”
“He had a nose job.”
“Smart guy. I should’ve done it when Kyung was getting his chin fixed. It wouldn’t hurt to shave this part of my chin either,” Jiho points at his jaw. His face is too big to be considered pretty. In the mirror, he sees Taehyung stepping behind him. Then he feels the other man as he presses against his back and wraps his arms around him, palms resting on his bump. No one, apart from the doctor, has touched it so far, and it feels extremely intimate.
“You are so beautiful and talented, Jiho. You have no idea what I would do to have you.”
Taehyung’s hands start to roam all over his body, and he makes a feeble attempt to stop him, but the younger man just holds him tighter. Jiho is taller, probably stronger, but he is just so worn out and worried, that something might happen to the baby if he struggles too much, that he just stands there, waiting, letting the other man do what he wants.
“Let me touch you a little bit,” Tae whispers into his ear, sending a shiver down his spine. “I’m not going to do anything inappropriate.”
It already is inappropriate, but Jiho closes his eyes and waits for it to end. It’s innocent enough at first, Taehyung touches his belly, arms and chest, but then he rubs Jiho’s nipples through the shirt and moves down to palm at his hips, before moving towards the crotch. Jiho can feel Tae’s growing excitement, and he tries to jerk away.
“Let me go,” he almost begs. “That’s enough, I want you to stop.”
Taehyung sighs, but finally pulls away. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done this.”
Too embarrassed to respond, Jiho quickly changes into his own clothes and forgoes trying on anything else. He just buys everything they picked out so far and lets Taehyung drive him home. He would call a cab, but there are so many bags that he isn’t sure he would manage. He ignores Tae’s attempts at conversation, staring out of the window the whole time. Once everything is stored in the spare room and Taehyung is gone, he takes a long shower. He feels dirty. Even though he was the one who let the other man feel him up, he still feels dirty.
He touches his stomach, as if it would make the memories of the unwanted touch go away, and suddenly realizes that he is over four months pregnant, but his bump is barely visible. He is slim, but not fit, and when he checks the internet, it tells him his bump should be bigger than it is. He finds some people, who had the same issue and everything turned out to be just fine, but they had muscled bodies that hid the baby well. It doesn’t apply to him. He tries not to panic when he drives to the hospital.
“Hmm, I see,” the doctor mutters, looking at the screen. “You are right, I can see the heartbeat, so you don’t have to worry too much, but the fetus isn’t growing fast enough. We will run few more tests, and we will call you once we have the results. For now, I need you to relax and sleep more. Remember that everything you do influences the baby.”
Relax. He needs to relax. It always amused him how easy people make it seem. Relax, it’s going to be okay, you just have to try harder. Fucking bullshit. What he does, is he goes home, calls Kyung and has a complete meltdown while talking to him. He can’t even sit, he just lies on the bed and cries while his friend watches. He cries himself to sleep with Kyung still on the line, and wakes up to soft hands brushing his hair. He opens his eyes hoping to see Namjoon, but it’s Yoongi’s face he sees.
“Kyung sent me, he doesn’t want you to be alone.”
Kyung has the keys to his house. Jiho didn’t want to give them to him, but Kyung just stole the keys and made a copy in case of emergency. Of course Yoongi, being his husband, knows where he keeps them.
“I’m fine, you don’t have to...”
“Fine? Your eyes are so puffy I can barely see your pupils, so excuse me if I don’t trust your definition of ‘fine’. Now move your ass, you are coming home with me.”
Yoongi helps him dress and then drags him towards the car. Yoongi isn’t the most talkative guy he knows, but this time he just won’t keep quiet. Later, he learns that Yoongi took two days off work to keep him company. Jiho really doesn’t deserve his friends.
He feels good in his friends’ flat, it always was his safe place of sorts, but when he tries to sleep, he is unable to doze off even for a minute. He lies wide awake, stroking his stomach and talking to it. It’s not the best moment to realize that he really wants the baby, but that’s exactly what happens. And it aggravates him further, he can’t stop thinking about everything that could go wrong.
He can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t stop worrying. So it doesn’t come as a surprise when the next time he opens his eyes, he is in a hospital with Yoongi sitting next to the bed, holding his hand.
***
Namjoon hates to take calls, especially from unknown numbers, but it’s a part of being a business owner and a grown up. He still lets it ring a little longer while he stares at the screen. Finally, Jimin nudges him playfully, so he answers the call with a very professional, ‘Kim Namjoon speaking.’ He listens to the person on the other side, feeling the nausea rising. He hasn’t seen Jiho in two days, and the older man didn’t answer any of his messages, but…“Are you okay?” Jimin asks worriedly.“No. My boyfriend is in a hospital.”“Boyfriend? You have a boyfriend?!” Jimin almost shouts, and Namjoon realizes he hasn’t told him about Jiho. Of course he hasn’t, he knew damn well why his assistant was so eager to spend so much time with him. And he liked it, liked feeling desired.“Of six years,” he confirms, feeling dissociated.“You have no idea how angry I am, but it doesn’t matter now, I will drive you to the hospital.”It would be a very tense and uncomfortable ride, but Namjoon can’t find it in himself to care about Jimin’s hurt feelings at the moment. Maybe later, once he is sure Jiho is safe.“Hi, I’m looking for Woo Jiho? I got a call saying he’s been admitted here,” he says to the receptionist, trying to sound calm. Judging from the look she gives him, he doesn’t quite manage. He fills in some forms, and she pages someone. Few minutes later a nurse appears, “I will take you to his room. We don’t usually do that, but I wanted to reassure you that your partner is going to be alright, I understand that it’s even more stressful for you since it’s his first pregnancy. He is dehydrated and slightly malnourished, so we gave him the IV, but it’s nothing too serious. He needs to rest more. And the baby is fine, we’ve got all of the results, and we couldn’t find anything wrong.”“...baby?” Namjoon stops walking, overwhelmed by the information.“Yes? Your partner is pregnant..? You are Woo Jiho’s partner, right?” she asks, suddenly suspicious.“Yes, of course, he just hasn’t told me.”“It’s pretty obvious at this stage, but I’m guessing you haven’t seen each other in a while.”She leaves him in front of a room, and he needs few more minutes to collect his thoughts, before he enters the room.Jiho is asleep, blonde hair framing his face and making him look absolutely exhausted. His skin is even paler than usually, except for the undereyes which look purple. If he really is pregnant, then Namjoon can’t see it because his boyfriend is a lot thinner than he remembers him to be.“What are you doing here?” someone says angrily, and he finally notices that there is another person in the room. Yoongi. They used to be close, few years back he would have called the other man his best friend, but now they barely ever talk, only when Jiho wants to hang out with him and Kyung. He doesn’t remember what, if anything, happened. They just grew apart as Jiho and Yoongi got closer.“The hospital called me. What… why..?” he doesn’t know what he is trying to say.“He fainted. I thought he would feel better after staying with me for a few days, but he couldn’t sleep, had a hard time keeping anything down, not really due to pregnancy.”“Why then?”“Are you serious? It’s your fucking fault, so stop pretending to be clueless. I want to hit you so bad, but they will throw me out if I did that. Don’t even think about coming closer or touching him.”“I’m his boyfriend!”“Some boyfriend you are,” Yoongi scoffs. “Go back to your boy toy.”“It’s not like that, we haven’t...”“Does it matter whether you fucked, or not? Jiho is almost five months pregnant, and you haven’t noticed. He collapsed, and you weren’t there to help him. Now you want to pretend that you care?”“I do care,” Namjoon tries to put as much sincerity into his voice as he can, but Yoongi looks far from convinced.“Again, what does it matter?”He can’t think of anything to say, so he stays silent. He doesn’t try to sit next to Jiho or touch his boyfriend, knowing that Yoongi will punch him if he has to. He hopes that Jiho will wake up on his own, but two hours pass, and it’s a nurse who gently wakes him up.“You can go home, sweetie. Your friend has a list of supplements you should be taking, and please take better care of yourself.”Jiho sits up and finally looks at him, eyes widening in surprise. Namjoon moves to help him, but Yoongi shoves him aside and offers his arm.“I will drive him, you can do whatever you want.”Namjoon ends up following them in his car, and as much as he would prefer Jiho to be with him, it gives him some time to digest the fact that he is going to be a dad. He’s never been more thankful for the automatic car because his hands shake so much on the steering wheel, that he would crash otherwise. They talked about kids, but it always seemed like a very distant future. They thought they were too busy for a child. Now they have no choice, and Namjoon is delighted. He is going to be a dad. He is going to be the best dad possible, but he has to fix his relationship with Jiho first.Even when he was flirting with Jimin he hasn’t, not even once, thought about leaving the older man. Which is why the more he thinks about it, the less he understands his own actions.When he stops in front of the house, he has to park outside because Yoongi took his spot in the garage. It’s childish and petty, and Namjoon doesn’t blame him at all. He can hear them talking in the bedroom and decides to let Jiho rest, they can talk tomorrow.Instead, he goes to Jiho’s art room, only to be shocked by how dark it is. He is used to seeing his boyfriend’s paintings dripping with bright red, orange and yellow, but now everything is black, gray and navy blue. The art is undeniably amazing, but he gets a glimpse into Jiho’s mind, and he doesn’t like it. The older paintings are hidden behind the new ones. It’s been going on for months, and he hasn’t noticed. He used to sit next to Jiho while his boyfriend painted, complaining about the smell and giving silly, unnecessary advice.It hits him with the force of a train that he was this close to losing the other man. Jiho wouldn’t break up with him, he would never do anything like that, but he would…“His art is so beautiful now, isn’t it?” Yoongi asks from the doorway. “Definitely scary and sad, but beautiful.”“I’ve never seen anything like this,” Namjoon admits. “But as much as I admire it, I’d rather never see it.”“Too late for it now.”“Too late,” he agrees. Yoongi doesn’t seem as angry anymore, maybe Jiho said something, but Namjoon can’t imagine the words that would make it better.He stays in the room for a while after Yoongi leaves, trying to understand his boyfriend. Then he takes a quick shower and decides that, if he wants things to go back to normal, then he has to stop avoiding Jiho. He hopes the older man won’t be too distressed if he sees Namjoon next to him when he wakes up.He checks the phone before muting it and finds a message from Jimin, informing him that all of his meetings for the next day have been rescheduled. He should thank his assistant. He should apologize. But he does neither, he has more important things to focus on at the moment.Jiho is fast asleep, lying on the right side and finally letting Namjoon see the slight swell of his stomach. It seems so small, and he can’t help but wonder if their child is developing properly. He will ask later, when his boyfriend isn’t hurting so much. He lies next to the sleeping man, holding back the desire to touch his belly. He needs permission, touching the bump would be far too intimate with how broken their relationship is at the moment. It hurts. He knows it’s his own fault, he should have tried harder to resist the attraction, but this knowledge doesn’t change what he’s done.Even exhausted, Jiho is startlingly beautiful. Namjoon internally berates himself for forgetting how much he loves the other man. Jiho, with all the emotional baggage of a broken home, isn’t easy to love, but Namjoon always thought he was worth the effort. How could have he forgotten?He gives in and presses just the tips of his fingers to Jiho’s soft cheek. Jiho is his home, and Namjoon has to convince the other man that he is still worth loving.He wakes up hours later, when he feels the bed move, and Jiho gets up way too early. It’s only seven.“Why are you awake?” he asks, forgetting for a second that it’s not a regular morning for them.“I’m really hungry. I will make breakfast,” with that, the older man leaves the room. Namjoon must have heard wrong, surely his boyfriend isn’t going to pretend that everything is fine. But when twenty minutes later Jiho tells him that the food is ready, he isn’t so sure anymore.He nibbles on the food, not really hungry but not wanting Jiho’s effort to go to waste, and mostly watches the other man eat. He takes small bites, chewing carefully. Namjoon likes to watch him, because they are polar opposites, Jiho moves with a grace of a much smaller person, while Namjoon is the definition of clumsiness.“Can we talk about it?”“Talk about what?”“Really, Ji? About the fact you haven’t told me about the baby?”“I tried! But you wouldn’t listen. Besides,” Jiho stands up and pulls up his t-shirt, revealing his bulging stomach, “you would have fucking noticed, if you had eyes for someone else than Jimin!”The older man sits down again, but when he lifts the fork his hand is visibly shaking.“I’m sorry.”“That’s it? You are ‘sorry’?”“Yes, I… There is nothing I can say to make it better. Maybe only that I didn’t have sex with him, we never kissed. We just… talked. It’s not even that I felt something for him, I just liked being wanted so blatantly, I suppose.”“It doesn’t hurt that he is easy on the eyes, does it?” Jiho says bitterly, and only then Namjoon fully understands the sheer magnitude of what he’s done. His boyfriend takes pride in his talent, he knows that he is a good artist – if only because critics continuously praise his works, but other than that, he is full of insecurities, especially when it comes to his looks. Namjoon never saw the slightly too big nose and a wide face as something ugly. On the contrary, he couldn’t imagine Jiho without them. It took years for his boyfriend to stop avoiding mirrors, and all that hard work has been undone by his recent, careless actions.“I love you. You probably don’t believe me, but it’s true. I was a fool, but I will make it up to you.”“It’s because of the baby, isn’t it? You want to try because I’m pregnant, not because you love me.”“I’m happy we are going to be parents, but I wouldn’t do that to you.”“Sure. I might have believed you five months ago.”“Will you give me a chance, though?”“You know the fucking answer,” Jiho says tiredly, defeated by his own inability to leave the younger man.“Can I… Can I touch your belly?”“Yeah. Just… let’s go to the bedroom, I will show you something.”Namjoon tries not to be too eager when he follows his partner to the bedroom, where Jiho takes a big envelope out of the wardrobe and gives it to him. He doesn’t know what he expected, but he takes a shuddering breath when he sees the ultrasound pictures of their baby, overwhelmed by the reality of it. He can see a tiny, tiny human who is growing inside his boyfriend, and he can’t wait any longer, greedily pressing his hands against Jiho’s bump.“My baby,” he whispers. He will never forgive himself that he lost so much time, which he will never be able to get back. And for what, for a bit of flattery. “Lie down with me.”Jiho goes easily enough, letting Namjoon position him the way the younger man wants him to be. Namjoon puts his head on Jiho’s chest, so he can comfortably hug his boyfriend and continue to touch his stomach, waiting for the baby to kick. It’s been very calm so far, and he almost wants to poke the belly, but he doesn’t think Jiho would appreciate it.
***
Namjoon seems to be on a mission to fatten him up. The only problem is that the younger man can’t cook, so instead of slaving in the kitchen, he wakes up early to go to Jiho’s favorite bakery and orders pizza or pasta at least three times a week. Jiho has already put on five kilos, but it shows on his face only, it’s slightly round again. He always hated how full his face could get at times, but everyone else seems to love it, pinching his cheeks whenever they got a chance.Apart from overfeeding him, Namjoon keeps touching him. He can’t stay away for more than fifteen minutes. It’s not only his stomach, Namjoon’s hands brush against his sides, rub his shoulders when he seems tense, stroke his legs when he paints with the younger man by his side. Few months back, he wouldn’t even notice, since his boyfriend was always very tactile, but he got so used to being avoided, that sometimes he can’t help but flinch. He is trying not to, because he might be hurt, but he wants to give Namjoon a real chance. Yukwon tells him he is an idiot, but Jiho never loved anyone else, he can’t even imagine falling in love again. He is sure his mom would find it awfully romantic, but it mostly feels like he doesn’t have a choice.He missed sex, but now that he can have it again, he hesitates. He believes that Namjoon didn’t fuck Jimin, but he obsessively thinks about all the touching that probably took place. About how their fingers must have brushed against each other when Jimin brought the documents, how their shoulders pressed and rubbed when they were drinking in a bar. Jiho doesn’t want Namjoon to touch him and perhaps realize that his skin isn’t as soft or smooth as Jimin’s. As young. They are only three years apart, but it still makes him almost thirty.Namjoon wants sex, this much is obvious. At night, his kisses are deep and hungry, hands groping Jiho’s ass and trying to press their crotches together, despite the fact that his bump makes it impossible to get very close. Usually, he backs out when Jiho gently pushes him away, but one night, after Yongguk comes for a visit to check up on him and talk about the upcoming exhibition, he starts removing Jiho’s clothes.“Joon, I’m not sure...” he says weakly, while Namjoon moves him to lie on the side.“I miss us, I’m sorry, please let me...” his boyfriend begs, and Jiho doesn’t know how to refuse without messing up their relationship further. So he doesn’t. He lets Namjoon fuck him, come in him, he even has an orgasm himself. He just isn’t sure he likes it. But Namjoon whispers sweet nothings, confesses his love over and over again, and Jiho desperately wants to believe they are going to be okay.He is almost done with the paintings, but the urge to use bright colors hasn’t returned. He forces himself to add a bit of blood red into the otherwise black and gray portrait, just to tie the two rooms together, but he has to send a picture of it to Kyung, because he isn’t sure it looks good. There are still splotches of black and red on his shirt, when the doorbell rings. He ordered new paints, so he doesn’t think twice before opening the door and facing a distressed-looking Jimin.“Holy shit, you are pregnant,” the younger man says, eyes opening impossibly wide. “Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse. I’m...”“I know who you are. What do you want?” Jiho tries not to compare himself to the other man, but it’s impossible. He takes in Jimin’s cute, small nose, big eyes and plush lips, doesn’t fail to notice that he is much shorter, so Namjoon could feel like he can protect him, be in charge.“I want to apologize,” Jimin takes a deep breath before continuing. “I didn’t know he has a partner. I wouldn’t have agreed to hang out after work if I did. To be fair, he’s never said or done anything inappropriate… Well, the whole thing was wrong, but we’ve never had a sexual relationship, we haven’t even kissed. Not for my lack of trying, you could say I was trying to seduce him, but I honestly didn’t know about you.”Jimin’s face is bright red, and Jiho finds some sort of consolation in the fact that it’s not a good look on him.“I believe you.”“Ah, thank you. I also wanted to say that I’m leaving the company.”“That’s really not necessary,” Jiho says because he doesn’t want to seem petty.“I don’t really need this job, my family is wealthy, so it’s not a big deal. I already handed in my resignation. I’m really sorry for the pain I caused you, and I hope it’s not going to affect your pregnancy.”Jiho is surprised by how mature Jimin is. One day, he will probably be able to fully appreciate it, but not yet. For now, he just wants to close the door and go back to painting. Jimin must see it in his face because he quickly bids goodbye and turns away. Jiho watches him drive away in a small, expensive car, and feels a bit better.When Namjoon gets home, Jiho watches him messily eat spaghetti Bolognese, getting red specks all over his white shirt, and wonders if he should tell him about Jimin’s visit. Would it do any good? Namjoon talks animatedly about his day at work, and Jiho comes to a conclusion that if he tells the other man then all he is going to achieve is another round of apologies. He is sick of hearing them. Words don’t mean much to him anymore. He needs to feel wanted, not just hear about it all the time. The problem is, he continues to question his boyfriend’s motives and overthinks everything the younger man says. He still isn’t convinced it’s because of him, and not the baby. It’s killing him, being like this. He wants to forgive and forget, wants the life he’s had before Jimin’s appearance.“You know it’s impossible, right?” Yukwon gently asks later, over a Skype call.“No, of course I do, but it would be so much easier,” he shrugs. “I already decided to give him another chance, so why can’t I forget?”“It’s not how the brain works, Ji. Especially yours.”“I know, but it doesn’t help me cope. Tae emailed me some new information about Joon,” in truth, Taehyung mostly emailed him to apologize for his recent behavior, but Jiho knows Yukwon wouldn’t take it too well. “Apparently he is very professional when he has to talk to Jimin, always making sure there are other people around. And he told some of his closest employees about the baby.”Jiho hasn’t told that many people, and he was a bit angry when he’s read the e-mail, but he realized that the younger man just couldn’t contain his happiness and had to share.“You are focusing too much on the fact that Namjoon is happy about the baby. It’s not like he has to choose, he can love both you and the baby.”“Yeah, but… I want him to love me more. It’s crazy and selfish, I know. Anyway, I have to go,” almost as an afterthought, he adds, “You know I love you, right Kwonnie? Have a good night!” He closes the app and waits for Namjoon to bring him the Chinese he requested.The next morning the doorbell rings while he is resting, because the added weight is doing a number on his spine. Considering what happened the last time someone showed up unannounced, he debates not opening at all. When ten minutes later the person on the other side doesn’t give up, he finally opens the door and sees distressed-looking Yukwon, talking to someone on the phone.“Wait, never mind, he just opened,” his friend says before finishing the call.“What are you doing here?”“I’m done with the course, there is only some paperwork left, so I decided to come back early.”“But why?”“Because I freaked out when you suddenly felt the need to remind me that you love me and thought you were going to do something dumb.”“You thought I was going to kill myself?!”“I don’t know, Ji. I worry about you constantly, and recently life has been exceptionally difficult for you.”Jiho doesn’t mean to have a breakdown, but he still ends up with his head in Yukwon’s lap, face red and swollen from crying. This is how Namjoon finds them, but he doesn’t say anything after Yukwon gives him a pointed look.“I have to warn you that I also called Kyung,” his friend admits few hours later. “And I’m not sure, but I think he is also coming back. I messaged him when you went to the bathroom, but...”Jiho doesn’t expect to see Kyung in at least three more days, but apparently he underestimates the power of money, because the next evening Namjoon goes to open the door and comes back with a bleeding nose, followed by a tired Kyung and Yoongi. Jiho quickly assesses the situation, and comes to a conclusion that, while his best friend might be full of rage, he is a bit too tiny to successfully attack his boyfriend.“Do you want ice for your hand?” he calmly asks Yoongi.“No need, I used my elbow.”“I could use some ice,” Namjoon whines from his spot, and four pairs of eyes turn to stare at him with various levels of disdain.“Then get it yourself,” Yukwon growls, and Namjoon listens to him, probably realizing that he should stay away from the living room for a while.After he leaves, Kyung stands in front of Jiho to finally look at him properly, taking in all the changes he couldn’t properly observe while he was in Australia.“You are too thin,” he makes his final judgment.“I’m fat like a pig,” Jiho deadpans, because he’s never been fatter than he is now.“You are pregnant, you idiot. I don’t even have to know your weight to know that you are underweight. Is he not feeding you enough?”“He is… I put on a lot of weight ever since we decided to try again.”“I leave you alone for a few months, and you almost starve yourself to death.”“Stop being dramatic.”Jiho missed their bickering. From the outside, it might look like they are fighting, but it’s just the way they communicate most of the time. If he wants someone to be nice to him, he goes to Yukwon. Having two friends with completely different personalities is quite convenient.It feels bizarre to have someone next to him while he is getting the ultrasound. He almost got used to the pitying glances of the staff, but it rubs him the wrong way when they visibly perk up after spotting Namjoon. Still, it feels nice to hold someone’s hand while the doctor spreads the cold gel on his belly.
“Do you want to know the gender? Jiho doesn’t want to know, but maybe you do,” the doctor asks with a smile, and it takes all of his willpower not to squeeze Namjoon’s hand.
“No, thank you. It’s only fair if I don’t know either,” the younger man says, and Jiho loves him a little more for the show of support.
“How will you know what color to choose?”
“All colors are good, as far as I’m concerned. We are going to paint the baby’s room yellow and peach,” he says through the gritted teeth. “Now, is the baby healthy?”
After the doctor confirms that their baby, while still a bit on the smaller side, is perfectly healthy, they drive home and he forces Namjoon to paint the room right now. He watches him like a hawk, giving instructions because Namjoon’s brain might be big, but his manual skills are lacking. Jiho is sure he will have to ask Yukwon to repaint the room when his boyfriend is at work so he won’t know. He is reading a lot about raising children, and positive reinforcement seems to be playing a huge role in the proper development. He came to the conclusion that it doesn’t hurt to use it with adults too.
“If you had to choose between me and the baby, who would you choose?” he asks completely out of blue, or maybe because of the way the younger man acted after seeing another picture of their baby.
“What? Why would I have to save only one of you?”
“Just answer the question.”
“You,” there is no hesitation, no stopping to think about it. He is still slathering paint all over the wall, making Jiho want to reach for a brush and do it himself.
“Why?”
“Because I love you.”
“And you don’t love our baby?”
“I do, but...” this time, Namjoon hesitates. “I don’t know how to explain this. You’ve been in my life for a long time now, I can’t imagine my life without you. I know I fucked up with Jimin, but it’s still true. I can’t see the future without you in it, but I can imagine a life without the baby. If you suddenly decided that you don’t want to keep it, it would take me a while to get over it, but I’d be able to do that. If you left me… I have no idea what I would do.”
For a brief moment, Jiho wonders if it’s just a pretty lie to convince him that he is important. But he quickly rejects the thought. Namjoon sounds too serious and sincere for that. He goes back to watching the other man in silence, a little happier than he was before.
“Are you nervous?” Namjoon speaks again after a while. He is covered in paint from head to toe, Jiho doesn’t even know when it happened.
“About the delivery? A bit, but I’m getting a C-section, so I hope it won’t be too bad.”
“Ah, I actually meant the exhibition.”
“Well, I think I might be a bit more worried about that,” Jiho admits with a laugh. “Yongguk keeps telling me that every piece that will be displayed is great, but I’m starting to doubt him. What if he only says it because I’m pregnant and he doesn’t want to upset me?”
“He was always honest with you before, I think you can still trust him, pregnant or not,” after a beat of silence, Namjoon asks in a small voice, “Did anything happen between you and him? You seem closer than you were before.”
Jiho stares at him, wondering if he should lie – just to see the reaction. A small, ugly part of his brain tells him to do it, to hurt Joon the way the younger man hurt him. But a much bigger part just wants to let go of everything and heal.
“That’s not something you have to worry about.”
Namjoon kisses him then. it’s a short, sweet kiss. A ‘thank you’, of sorts. They come late to the opening of his exhibition, because Jiho wants people to focus on his art, rather than the fact that he is pregnant. He can’t hide it anymore, just like he can’t fit into any of his old clothes. He had to buy a new pair of dress pants for the event, which he paired with a dark turtleneck. Namjoon told him that he looks very handsome, but Jiho still isn’t used to his stomach being so big.
When they finally arrive and Yongguk introduces him to the crowd, everyone’s attention is focused on his belly, just like he predicted.
“They are gossiping like a bunch of old ladies,” he complains to Yongguk, who laughs loudly.
“Aren’t they just like that?”
“True. Maybe I shouldn’t have come at all, but then they would say that the fame has gone to my head.”
“They will always find something to criticize, won’t they?”, a female voice joins their conversation. Jiho turns to look at the newcomer and has to hold onto Namjoon to avoid falling.
“I don’t think we’ve met, I’m Natasha Reid.”
“Yes,” he says, stupefied. “I mean, I’m Woo Jiho.”
Natasha, also known as Yoon Mi Rae, laughs beautifully, and if he wasn’t gay, he would start hitting on her right this moment. He’s been her fan for years. No one else in South Korea can create sculptures as realistic and detailed, as the woman standing in front of him.
“I didn’t know if Tasha would be able to make it, so I didn’t tell you she was coming,” he isn’t sure if he wants to kill Yongguk or thank him, or both.
“If it’s any consolation, I think people are still mostly focused on your art. I really love the contrast between the rooms, I’ve been following you for a while, and I was surprised to see such darkness. You had dark moments before, of course, but they weren’t as explicit, hidden between the bright colors. I love this new turn. But I think ‘Be the light’ is my favorite,” it’s Jiho’s latest piece, the one he decided to add right before the opening. “I feel like it’s the best of the two worlds.”
“I painted it for my baby.”
“Oh,” Natasha gasps. “I actually bought it already. But don’t worry, I will take a few pictures, post them on my Instagram, and keep it in the gallery. I don’t want to keep it hidden in my house, art like this deserves to be exhibited.”
Jiho feels faint, his heart is beating too fast. He doesn’t know if critic reviews are going to be positive or not, but he will be happy, even if he only sells “Be the light”.
By the end of the night, he is exhausted but happy and has Tasha’s number in his phone. Namjoon kisses him sweetly when they get home, congratulating him, and this time he is the one to deepen the kiss. To take Joon’s hand and lead him towards the bedroom, where they strip, and Jiho slowly rides the younger man. It’s not as easy as it used to be, his big belly stripping him off the nimbleness he was always known for. But he doesn’t mind the slow pace, when Namjoon’s strong hands support and caress him the whole time.