Archive of Our Own

Work Text

Sunday, 25th December, 2016

03:25

He dreamt that he was a kid again, nestled between his parents on the uncomfortable church pew, shivering despite the layers of clothing and the warm arms pressed far too close to either side. He was gazing up at the ceiling, still strewn with complicated scaffolding - a renovation project that had been no closer to finishing for months. Some time ago, he’d invented a game where there was a group of kids his age who lived up in that scaffolding, swinging from the beams like Tarzan or Mowgli from the Jungle Book, invisible to anyone’s eyes but his. He’d will away the long, tedious sermons by imagining who these children were, and how they’d come to live up there. Maybe they were orphans, who had no other place to go. Maybe they had parents, but those parents had long since forgotten about them, and abandoned them at the church. Maybe they lived off the bread and wine stored in the tabernacle. Was that sacrilegious to think? Was he going to get in trouble now?
 
He felt a sharp, stabbing sensation in his side, and looked up to see his mother glaring at him. She had paused in thumbing through her bible, her steady green gaze boring into him without a trace of love.
 
“They’re all looking at you,” she hissed. It was the same look she had given him when she’d caught him masturbating when he was fourteen - as though he’d just committed the world’s most heinous, despicable act. As though she could never forgive him.
 
He glanced around the church to see that she was right. The sermon had stopped abruptly, and countless pairs of eyes were fixated on him with that same look. Trapped in stoic silence, he turned desperately to his father, who was staring straight ahead, focused on looking anywhere but at him.
 
“Dad!” he shouted, attempting to get his attention. An invisible wall existed between them, keeping his father from hearing him. He felt his breath catch.
 
From the alter, he heard the priest clear his throat. It was the same one he remembered from his childhood, his once kindly face now distorted into a scowl of pure loathing and disgust.
 
“We can all see you, Isak Valtersen,” the old man said, in a voice that made him seem far more powerful than he looked. “We all know what you’re doing. God can see too.”
 
A sudden, screeching sound echoed from above, and he looked up again in time to see that one of the scaffolding beams had come loose just over his head. He could only watch in horror as the church came toppling down on top of him…
 
***

The first thing he noticed when he woke up was the unreal pain in his jaw. He must’ve been grinding his teeth in his sleep again. He couldn’t remember the last time it had been that bad, or that he’d had a dream like that at all. It was strange, he would reflect later, how something could seem so real and yet so distorted at the same time.
 
The second thing he noticed was that he was not alone, his senses honing in on the quiet, steady breathing beside him. Even. They had been falling asleep and waking up together here for weeks now, but for Isak, it still felt so surreal. Like he might wake up one day and realise he’d invented the whole thing in a particularly bad bout of loneliness. Or worse, he might wake up to realise that he was still that little boy sitting in that church, confused and terrified of being found out and sentenced to hell.
 
Nothing like a full dosage of Catholic guilt to get into the holiday spirit.
 
He could make out the silhouette of his boyfriend beside him, tangled up in the blankets, continuing to sleep undisturbed. Fuck, what time was it? It was hard to tell in the depths of winter, but it felt like he’d been asleep for forever. He wanted desperately to roll over into Even’s chest, to pull one of those lithe, lanky arms over him and match their breathing together until he drifted off back to sleep. He didn’t dare, though. Even had been doing so well lately. He was finally back into a normal sleeping pattern, and Isak was going to be the last person to fuck with that.
 
He lay still a few minutes longer, trying to force himself to drift back off to sleep, but the pain in his mouth was still too great. His throat felt dry and parched, too, and he was vaguely nauseous from the huge Christmas dinner they’d consumed earlier with his housemates. Was it possible to grind your teeth so much that you could break your jaw? It had been years since he’d broken a bone, but in that moment, he swore it felt almost as bad.
 
He’d need painkillers if he was ever going to get back to sleep. He shifted in the bed as quietly as he could muster, detaching his phone from the charger, and padded across the floor to the door. Even shuffled a little but didn’t appear to wake up. He felt his lips turn upwards into a tiny smile in the dark as he slipped out of the room. He’d fallen in love with that boy so hard and so fast. Hell, some part of him had known he was going to fall in love with Even the day they met.
 
It felt unnatural to see the Kollektiv still and empty. The clock on the stove read 3:40am, so Isak shouldn’t have been surprised. Yet even in the early hours, the apartment was always so full of noise - Eskild bringing boys back home from nightclubs and flirting with them in the kitchen; Noora chatting to Eva on the phone about school dramas or William; or Linn watching a movie, curled into herself on the couch. They had all opted to stay at home for Christmas (Isak had never actually asked, but suspected that neither Eskild, Noora or Linn had a particularly great relationship with their families as well), and Eskild had insisted on holding a ‘family dinner’ for all of them on Christmas Eve. Family dinner turned out to mean Even and Noora cooking everything, and Isak and Linn being forced to clean up, while Eskild argued that he was bringing the fun and personality to the table and that was enough. Isak had complained extensively, but truthfully he didn’t mind so much. Even and Noora were joking around and laughing together over hot kitchen plates, while he, Eskild and Linn had a stupid half-hearted argument about what whether or not they should have Christmas music playing, and it was nice. Certainly nicer than any Christmas Eve he’d experienced before.
 
He found the painkillers in the cabinet above the fridge, popped two into his mouth and washed them down with a full glass of water. As he waited for the relief to set in, he opened his phone and found the text conversation with his mother, scrolling up past a few bible passages she’d sent him recently to find the message he wanted.

To Isak, my son: From the first second I saw you June 21st 1999 at 21:21, I have loved you and I always will for eternity.

He read it over a few times, studying each letter carefully as he could. I have loved you, and I always will for eternity. He tried to imagine the face of his mother as she composed that message to him, taking her time to put together a reply to his probably startling confession. Tried to sort through the dissonance between the version of her who had sent that text, and the version of her in his dream.
 
She loved him.
 
Despite everything.
 
He felt better now.
 
He scrolled back down through the lengthy messages she had sent since, quotes from the bible which he had ignored. It was so much easier for him to rationalise that he had been so busy taking care of Even that he didn’t have time to think about his parents, or his sister, or anything else connected to that part of his life. The texts were a jarring reminder that it was still there. Perhaps that was what his dream had been for too. Perhaps the guilt it made him feel was more than just a hangover from his Catholic upbringing.
 
He began scripting a message to her, typing and deleting the text several times.

Hi, Mum. Thank you for the message you sent me. I just wanted to say that…

Sorry that it’s been so long, Mum.

Hi, Mum. Merry Christmas. I want you to know…

Hi, Mum. Merry Christmas.

He closed the last message before sending it. What the hell was he thinking, anyway? It was 4am, and he’d just woken up from a stress dream. Now was not the time.
 
He ignored the voice in his head that tried to argue that it was never the fucking time, finishing the rest of his water and making a pit stop to the bathroom before returning to bed. Warmth engulfed him as he fell in beside Even, adjusting the blankets around his boyfriend before pulling them up over himself as well. He heard Even shift behind him, and held in his surprise as he felt a firm chest, heated from sleep, press against his back.
 
“Even?” he whispered, smiling a little despite the guilt of having woken him up.
 
The answer came wordlessly as an arm draped loosely over his chest, settling in the space between his arms. Even was still half asleep, only alert enough to register that he was there. He heard him mumble something inaudible as he settled into his new spot, before his breathing returned to its slow, steady pace. How did he know, even when he was barely awake, what Isak wanted? How had he ended up so fucking lucky, despite the shitty things he had done and continued to do?
 
He was going to have to tell Even how much he loved him eventually. Before it burst out of him. Maybe tomorrow, he thought absently, as sleep overcame him. He was looking forward to tomorrow…he looked forward to every day, since Even came into his life.
 
***

09:05

It was way too early. He knew that before he opened his eyes.
 
Isak was about to complain when he realised that soft lips were brushing lightly against his neck, the sensation tickling the sensitive skin. Even couldn’t possibly know this, but it had always been a secret fantasy of his: waking up to a hot guy kissing him, slowly making his way down until…well, yeah. In his head, it used to be random models he’d seen on porn, or the faceless outline of someone he’d completely imagined. For a little while in first year - embarrassingly - it had been Jonas. Since he’d met Even, he’d been spending less time in fantasy and more time in reality. Now the two were melding and the thought of that alone was enough to make him hard.
 
He kept his eyes closed, wanting to live in this minute a little longer and prolong the fantasy. Even must have been able to tell he was awake, however, because he felt him smiling against his neck in between kisses.
 
“Good morning,” he murmured, before gently sucking on Isak’s skin.
 
Isak moaned, eyes flying open to gaze at the ceiling. It was still dark at this time of day in Oslo, though the sun was just beginning to break across the horizon, casting everything in an ethereal blue glow.
 
Even was continuing to kiss a path down his neck, as a hand toyed with the rim of his shirt, before sliding under to caress his stomach muscles. They had only started doing…stuff…again a few days ago. Isak hadn't wanted to push it, waiting (very patiently, he might add) for Even to initiate. It seemed like his boyfriend had woken up on the right side of the bed. And fuck - Isak realised as Even’s fingers toyed with his nipple - he had missed this.
 
The fingers played with him a while longer, before gliding back down, down…tracing the few measly blond hairs between his belly button and the hem of his sweatpants. Even kissed his lips, long and lingering, before gifting him with the full force of his beautiful blue eyes. He was dishevelled from sleep, but wide awake, looking happy and a little smug and a whole lot like his old, regular self. He looked good. Isak was powerless to do anything but stare at him. He was so lucky Even was his boyfriend, and he could stare at him all the time now.
 
“Merry Christmas,” Even raised both eyebrows suggestively, hand brushing over his hard cock through cotton fabric.
 
Isak gasped, then laughed breathlessly. “Merry Christmas.”
 
Even rubbed him harder, as Isak’s eyes almost completely rolled back as he lost himself in the moment. When he couldn’t take it anymore, he gripped the edges of his pants and began to push them down, and Even willingly helped him. He felt sex-starved and needy, desperate to have the barrier between them removed. His cock sprung free, rock hard and aching.
 
“Fuck,” Even murmured, mouth falling open slightly as he looked down at Isak’s half naked body.
 
He wasted no time in gripping the base of Isak’s dick, and Isak moaned instantly, fingers curling around the bedsheets. Fingers deftly stroked up and down, circling the tip and creating a warm, wet path. Was it possible to die from wanting someone so much? Isak’s eyes were closed, overcome with pleasure, when he felt Even take him into his mouth.
 
“Yes!” he heard himself whimper, and Even laughed softly in response as he came off him. Smug bastard. Luckily he was far too distracted to care.
 
Even’s tongue eased up and down the length of his shaft. Again. And again. Taking him deeper and deeper each time until…fuck, he was so close already. He didn’t want it to end yet. He wanted to touch Even so badly. Wanted to rip those sweatpants and that stupid Jesus shirt off him and suck him and get fucked by him. But Even was still going, almost swallowing him completely now, and it felt so fucking good. He gripped his shoulders and tried to push back, but Even only responded by taking hold of his hips, pushing him deeper into his beautiful mouth and…
 
“Fuck, I’m g-going to-”
 
Even gripped his hips tighter, making a moan of encouragement that vibrated around his dick and sent him over the edge. His hips arched up off the bed just before he shuddered into his climax, his cum shooting out and sliding down Even’s throat. The sound he made as he came surprised him, all deep and guttural and nothing he’d ever imagined he’d be capable of. His whole body tingled in that unique, satisfied way that always made him feel invincible. Sex this good was probably dangerous.
 
He looked down to see Even swallow the last of his cum, coming off him and wiping the corners of his mouth with a finger. It looked slick and effortlessly cool, especially for a guy who had just woken up and then gone down on someone else. Even always swallowed, whereas Isak freaked out the few times he had done it and had pulled off at the last second. He wished he wouldn’t, because it felt so fucking amazing when Even did it to him. He needed to get better at that. He had a feeling that Even was a little - okay, a lot - more experienced with sex than he was. They hadn't actually had the conversation about it though. He knew about Sonja, but he wondered if there were others. Normally thinking about it bothered him somewhat, but in his current post-sex haze, it was hard to care too much about anything.
 
Even gave a little smile, climbing out from between his legs, taking a sip of water from the glass beside him before flopping back onto the pillow. They lay staring at the ceiling a moment, breathing steadily. Isak turned his head towards Even first, elated to see how genuinely happy and content his boyfriend looked in that moment. Wanting to convince himself that he had something to do with that. When Even looked at him too, they both broke into simultaneous grins.
 
He could look into those blue eyes all day and night and probably never feel bored.
 
Isak reached over and ran a hand across Even’s shirt, tracing the lines of his chest and stomach through the flimsy material. He saw something change in Even’s expression almost instantly, a slight quiver in his lips, that made him hesitate for a moment. He tried a different tactic, shifting closer to close the space between them. Kissing Even’s cheek gently, then his neck, then collarbone. A hand lightly gripped his bicep.
 
“Um, it’s okay,” a quiet voice said.
 
Isak stopped the kissing and touching immediately, but kept himself pressed to Even’s side. Confused. It had been like this a few days ago too. Even had been lustful, intent on giving him the best pleasure of his life, but when Isak wanted to return the favour, he had put a stop to it straight away, pulling him into a chaste hug and kissing him until they fell asleep. 
 
“You don’t want me to…?”
 
“No, that’s not it,” Even answered quickly. “I just…um, it’s hard to explain, I guess, but right now I kind of need to…take things slow?”
 
It was bizarre to here someone usually so confident, so impervious to embarrassment, stammering and acting so bashful. Isak propped himself up with an elbow so he could look at him properly. Was he imaging it, or was Even blushing a little?
 
“Shit, did that sound as uncool as I thought it did?” he tried to laugh it off, but Isak could sense how uncomfortable he was.
 
“No, it’s fine,” he assured him firmly. “Slow is good. I mean…I’m definitely not complaining or anything.”
 
Even laughed in that adorable way that made his entire face crinkle. “Good.”
 
Isak figured he’d done a good job, because the tension seemed to evaporate. Their relationship was still brand new, and he was still trying to learn to read his boyfriend. It was hard, but he was starting to feel less and less out of his depth the more time they spent together. He liked being able to cheer Even up and put him at ease. To make him laugh in that beautiful, sunny way that was so uniquely him.
 
“I can’t believe Eskild got everyone presents last night,” Even said after a few silent minutes of cuddling had past. Isak at pulled the duvet up around them to ward off the cold, and the sun was now starting to seep in through the window.
 
“I can,” Isak rolled his eyes. “He’s always buying people random gifts. He got me this lavender scent thing a while back.”
 
“Is that what smells so good in here?” Even asked, looking around wide-eyed and dramatic. Isak nudged him in response. He could hate on Eskild all he wanted, but it was true that his gifts were always pretty nice and useful.
 
“He got you towels,” Isak frowned. “Who gets someone towels as a gift? That’s so…adult.”
 
“I think it’s because I keep using his towels instead of yours by mistake,” mused Even. “He was probably getting pissed off and just wanted to put a stop to it.”
 
“Oh, okay,” Isak laughed. “It’s still weird though. No one else bought presents.”
 
“I gave you your present this morning,” Even teased him, and Isak spluttered.
 
“I liked my present a lot.”
 
Even raised his eyebrows at him. “Your present can be coming with me to this stupid family thing today.”
 
Damn. Somewhere between the horrific childhood nightmare and the mind-blowing oral sex he’d actually forgotten about that.
 
“It’s just your parents, right?”
 
“Not exactly,” Even frowned. “It’s like, my parents and the immediate family. On my mum’s side.”
 
Isak suddenly wanted to duck under the covers and hide for dear life. “How many people, exactly?”
 
“Not that many. Maybe ten?”
 
“Ten!?”
 
“Ten including us,” Even wrapped an arm around Isak’s waist as he panicked, drawing them together and facing each other. “You, me, my parents, grandparents, aunt and uncle. My little cousins.”
 
“How old are your cousins?” asked Isak, dreading the answer.
 
“The oldest is ten and the younger one is six,” Even said firmly, then appeared to change his mind. “The younger one could be five, maybe. I’m not too sure.”
 
Whether the kid was five or six didn’t matter in the slightest. Adults were intimidating, but he could probably deal with them. Children, however, were horrifying to Isak. There were no children in his family - apart from his sister Lea, who was only a couple of years younger, so it didn’t really count. He wouldn’t know the first thing to do or say to a kid. There was a good chance now that he’d fuck it up. Correction: he would fuck it up.
 
“You look worried,” Even said sympathetically, fingers currently tracing a pattern along his hip.
 
“No, no,” Isak lied. “Just trying to imagine what little Bech Næsheims would be like.”
 
“Well, technically they’re Bechs, not Næsheims. Næsheim is my dad’s surname. And also, they’re my mum’s sister’s kids, so they have an entirely different surname, anyway.”
 
“Mmm-hmm.”
 
Even gave him a gentle kiss. Isak could actually taste himself on Even’s lips, and it was the strangest sensation.
 
“Isak,” he said slowly as they broke away, “don’t stress. You already met my parents and that was fine, right?”
 
He nodded feebly against the pillow. Even kissed him again, holding their lips together longer this time.
 
“They’re going to love you,” he whispered.
 
Isak definitely didn’t believe in God anymore, but he still silently prayed that Even was right.
  
***

12:30

The small apartment was rife with laughter, chatter and general chaos as they entered. More so than he would have expected ten people to be capable of making. If the Bech-not-Næsheims were anything like Even’s parents, it would have been wrong to expect anything less.
 
Isak was silently grateful when Even stepped into the entranceway first, calling out a cheery “Hello!” as they both began to remove their shoes.
 
There was a general, excited murmur from inside, the sound of man’s booming voice declaring “They’re here!”, followed by a woman shushing him. Isak immediately felt his heart rate speed up in trepidation as he head footsteps pounding towards them.
 
Even’s mother, Lise, appeared in front of them moments later, looking as radiant as Isak remembered her the last time they met. She looked like a Lise, he’d thought to himself the first time they were introduced. One of those people who suited her name so well, that she couldn’t possibly be called anything else. Her gold-blonde hair was swept up into a bun on the top of her head, a few wisps escaping to frame her slender face. She was dressed in a red sweater and high-waisted jeans that hugged her figure.
 
“Finally, you’re here!” she beamed at them both, pulling Even into a rib-crushing hug, trapping his arms at his sides. She was barely up to his shoulders in height, which made the whole thing look quite comical. “Hello, my sweet boy! Merry Christmas.”
 
Even laughed, warm and bright, as he attempted to hug her back. “Jeez, Lise, you’d think I hadn’t seen you in weeks.”
 
Even alternated between calling his parents by their first names and calling them ‘Mum’ and ‘Dad’, something that Isak knew would take a lot of getting used to. He had grown up in a world where that was simply unheard of. Hell, his own parents would probably be horrified that Isak didn’t refer to Even’s mum as “Mrs. Bech”.
 
Lise released her grip and gave her son a playful shove. “I’m just excited to see you! We all are! And Isak! Hello, darling, how are you?”
 
It was Isak’s turn next to be squashed as she wrapped his arms around him, though thankfully she was inclined to offer him the courtesy of breathing. He felt blush creep into his cheeks at being greeted with such familiarity by someone he’d only met once before. He glanced over at Even, who was grinning like this was the best thing in the world, and it made him relax a little.
 
“I’m fine, thanks,” he answered her with a slight giggle.
 
Lise pulled back and smiled at him. She had the same smile as Even, he realised. The kind that came from someplace deep and warm and loving and reached every corner of her face. There were a few laugh lines around her blue eyes that crinkled when they met his.
 
“I’m so glad you were able to spend the day with us! I hope it won’t be too overwhelming for you; our family can be a bit of a handful,” she said, all sunny and bright, and he genuinely wasn’t sure if she was joking or not. “Anyway, what am I doing? You shouldn’t be standing out here in the cold. Come inside, get something to drink. Food is almost ready!”
 
She led them into the kitchen with a purposeful stride, Isak following along behind in line with Even, who playfully bumped his shoulder.
 
“Okay?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at him, followed by a grin.
 
Isak nodded, bumping his shoulder back in an attempt to mask his nerves. “Okay.”
 
The conversation was cut short as they reached the apartment’s central living area, where a whole pile of Bechs were gathered around the table. An older couple - who did not look old enough to be Even’s grandparents, but couldn’t be anyone else - were seated at the head, while a younger couple sat beside them engaged in conversation. Two little blond boys at the opposite end were fighting over a Nintendo 3DS. All of them stopped what they were doing as he walked in, regarding him with unadulterated interest. A lump formed in his throat as he became the object of attention, and Isak swallowed thickly.
 
Seconds later, chaos broke out as everyone spoke at once.
 
“This must be Isak!”
 
“Even is here with Isak!”
 
“What took you so long?”
 
“Even!!”
 
The loudest sounds were from the two boys, who dropped the 3DS and ran over to Even without giving Isak a second thought. The youngest one immediately grabbed onto his hands and started trying to climb his boyfriend’s long legs, like he was a fucking playground. The older one bounced around excitedly, immediately launching into a long-winded explanation of his current favourite Pokemon and why.
 
“Do you want a drink, Isak?” asked Lise, as though this was a completely normal occurrence.
 
“Um, sure,” Isak answered, though she was already walking towards the kitchen.
 
“Even, come have a look, I want to show you my new Pokemon!” the older boy whined, tugging on Even’s arm while his younger brother continued clambering on Even’s shins.
 
“Okay, okay,” Even laughed, lifting the younger boy off him with his arms and swinging him to the ground so he shrieked and giggled. “Can we show them to Isak too?”
 
The two kids stopped their onslaught as Even nodded to Isak, who had been standing next to him the entire time and feeling incredibly awkward. The boys stared at him in the unabashed way only children could, uncertain and curious.
 
“Who are you?” the youngest one asked bluntly. 
 
Even put an arm around his shoulders, and his automatic reaction was to stiffen.
 
“This is Isak,” he told the boys happily. “He’s my new boyfriend.”
 
Isak attempted a brave smile as he braced for their reaction. It was true that he didn’t know much about kids, but what he did know was that they could be fucking unpredictable. Even was grinning at them, all self-assured and untroubled, like the piece of information he’d just revealed was perfectly run-of-the-mill.
 
The littlest one seemed to accept this easily, his expression transforming from one of confusion to a shy smile almost instantaneously.
 
“Okay!” he chirped brightly. “Isak, do you like Pokemon?”
 
“Uh, sure,” he replied, overcome with relief. He felt Even nudge his hip encouragingly, arm pulling them closer together.
 
The older boy, meanwhile, was still puzzled.
 
“Where’s Sonja?” he piped up, brows furrowed in confusion.
 
Fuck.
 
The woman who had been sitting at the table appeared to materialise out of nowhere at that moment, swooping down to wrap the older boy in a hug from behind.
 
“Okaaaay, that’s enough bothering your cousin and Isak, boys,” she said hastily. “Let them get a drink and say hello to everyone.”
 
“Mamma!” the little boy whined, doing some sort of weird little dance on the spot.
 
“Are you doing the toilet dance, Erik?” the woman asked him knowingly.
 
“I don’t need to!”
 
“Go on!”
 
The woman gave her older son’s shoulder a squeeze, as the younger one grouched and stormed off. Her hair was a few shades darker than Even’s or Lise’s, but there was still some traces of Bech family features in her face, including her smile.
 
“Hello, Isak, I’m Even’s Aunty Elina,” she greeted him. “Sorry about my boys, they’re just a bit excited to see their cousin. This one is called Finn, and grumpy-pants over there is Erik.”
 
“It’s okay. Nice to meet you,” he said earnestly, hoping the look he gave her conveyed how grateful he was to her for saving him.
 
“Hey, Elina,” Even put on his most charming voice, leaning in to kiss her cheek. It was enough to make Finn pull a face and wrangle out of his mother’s grip, returning to the forgotten 3DS.
 
“Even!” she exclaimed, nothing but affection in her tone, running a hand up and down Even’s arm. “You’re getting more and more handsome every time I see you, I swear. I’m so happy to see you. And this one!” she reached out and pulled Isak to her with her free hand, causing him to emit a startled yelp. “Your mum said he was a looker, but I think she sold him a bit short, don’t you think?”
 
“Definitely,” Even responded almost immediately, raising his eyebrows suggestively and causing Isak to turn beet-red.
 
Elina either didn’t seem to notice or mind is embarrassment, running a hand up and down his arm as well, gasping with exaggerated surprise and turning to Even to mouth the word ‘Muscles!’
 
Fuck. He had no frame or reference for how to respond to overly flirtatious aunties either.
 
“Do you play sport, Isak?” Elina queried, fingers still clinging to his bicep while she wrapped the other arm around Even’s shoulders.
 
“I play soccer on the school team,” he replied awkwardly.
 
Even was enjoying this way too much, gaze fixated on Isak with a shit-eating grin plastered to his lips. Isak honestly wasn’t sure whether he wanted to punch him or kiss him.
 
“I thought so!” Elina said triumphantly. “Handsome and athletic! I can see why Lise said you were obsessed, Even!”
 
Obsessed? Isak cocked an eyebrow, feeling triumphant when finally it was Even’s turn to turn pink. Ha!
 
Elina laughed happily. “Okay, I’ve teased you both enough. Come meet the rest of the family, Isak! I’ll introduce you!”
 
Even touched his shoulder lightly before Elina could tug him away. “I’m going to say hello to Dad quickly. He’s probably in the kitchen. Are you okay here?”
 
“He’s fine, Ev, I’ll take care of him,” Elina waved him away, grabbing Isak by the arm.
 
Isak attempted to give his boyfriend a reassuring smile as he was led to the table.
 
“Isak, this is my husband, Henry,” Elina introduced him to each person in turn, “and my parents, Even’s grandparents, Viktor and Marie.”
 
They exchanged hello’s as Isak shook hands with Henry and Viktor. He was momentarily unsure of what to do with Marie, until she pulled him into an awkward cheek-kiss from across the table.
 
“What a handsome boy!” Marie winked at him as she let go. Apparently, flirtatiousness was something of a family trait.
 
“You can sit here, sweetie,” Lise said from her spot at the table, directing him to the seat next to her. There was a bottle of Tuborg waiting for him on the counter. A bit of controlled underage drinking during the holiday season was not really an issue, according to the Bech Næsheims.
 
“I’m starving!” Viktor grumbled, the slightest hint of a Danish accent intermingled with his words. “Lise, when will that husband of yours have our food ready?”
 
“You’re always starving,” Marie chastised him, fixing Isak with an earnest stare from across the table as she added, “he ate his weight at dinner last night.”
 
Lise leaned back on her chair to shout into the kitchen. “Husband! When will the food be ready?”
 
Even’s father, Petter, stuck his head around the side of the kitchen door. If Even got his looks from his mother, he certainly got his height and build from his father. Petter Næsheim was almost ridiculously tall and gangly, practically all limbs. He had dark hair that was beginning to fade grey along the edges, and large dark blue eyes that shone with a genuine kindness. Isak had felt terrified the day Even’s father had first extended a huge hand to him in greeted, intimidated by his rather overbearing presence. That was, however, before he had gotten a chance to speak to him and realised that he was actually a huge dork. Today, for instance, he was sporting the ugliest Christmas sweater that Isak had ever seen - bright red and green and complete with a monstrous puffy Santa face.
 
“I’m in here slaving away over a hot stove, and this is the thanks I get?” he teased her. “Where’s your Christmas spirit, Lise? You’re embarrassing me in front of our guests. Hello Isak, by the way!”
 
“Hi,” Isak beamed at him, giving a little wave.
 
“Your guests want to know when their lunch is ready,” Lise shot her husband a devilish smirk.
 
“You can tell our guests that we are mere moments away. Even is plating up now.”
 
“Do you need any help?” asked Isak.
 
“No, Isak, but thank you,” Petter exhaled an exasperated sigh, “at least someone has the courtesy to offer around here.”
 
“Hey! You knew I wasn’t a cook when you married me!” Lise yelled, struggling to keep a straight face.
 
“Lucky you married me, then!” Petter shot both eyebrows up at her before disappearing back into the kitchen.
 
Lise threw her hands up, simultaneously infuriated at amused. Isak felt he could sympathise.
 
“Even is great cook, Isak, just like his father,” said Marie, glowing with the sort of pride unique to grandparents. “Have you tried any of his cooking yet?”
 
“Just once,” Isak said, blushing a little at the memory. “He made breakfast for my entire Kollektiv.”
 
“Did he do that omelette thing?” Lise asked, eyes shining brightly. “That’s his signature. He must’ve been trying to impress you.”
 
“No,” Isak tugged the curls at the back of his head nervously, “I think he was just being nice.”
 
“So modest, too!” Elina chuckled as she filled her husband’s wine glass.
 
“Honestly, stop teasing the boy so much,” Viktor interjected, “he’s going to think we’re a bunch of weirdos!”
 
“We are a bunch of weirdos, Dad,” Lise said sagely.
 
“You get used to them after a while, Isak,” the fair-haired Henry gave him a sympathetic smile over his horn-rimmed glasses.
 
“Dad!” Erik piped up suddenly from across the table. “When can I show Even my Pokemon?”
 
“In a minute, son.”
 
Viktor opened his mouth like he was about to say something, but his wife put a hand on his arm, silencing him by leaning over to talk to Isak.
 
“Did you also know, Isak, that Even is extremely creative? When he was a little boy, he used to do all these drawings for me. They were so cute! I’ve kept all of them, every single one.”
 
“You’re loving this, aren’t you, Mum?” Elina joked, turning to Isak to offer an explanation. “She loves bragging about her grandsons. Now she’s got someone new to talk to about how wonderful she thinks Even is.”
 
“My Even is wonderful,” protested Marie.
 
“Yeah, I think so too,” Isak said without thinking, instantly feeling embarrassed for letting something so personal slip. It seemed to be an appropriate response, though, causing Lise to ‘Aww!’ and pat his arm fondly, while Elina clutched at her heart and the rest of the family members grinned or nodded approvingly.
 
“Okay, the long wait is over!” Petter announced as he and Even emerged from the kitchen, carrying  four large serving plates between them.
 
“Looks wonderful!” Marie gasped, as a plate was placed in front of her. “You’ve outdone yourself, Petter!”
 
“I helped, Grandma,” Even said smugly.
 
Petter snorted. “For about five minutes!”
 
“Oh, come and give your grandma a kiss,” Marie simpered, looking at her eldest grandson with the warmest affection. “You haven’t even said hello to me yet.”
 
“We’ve all been talking about how wonderful you are, Even,” Elina said, winking at Isak.
 
Even laughed, setting down the last plate and moving behind Marie’s chair so she could plant a sticky lipstick kiss on his cheek.
 
“Please tell me you haven’t scared Isak away yet,” he jested, moving around the table to shake Viktor and Henry’s hands.
 
“We’ve been on our best behaviour, sweetheart, I promise,” Lise attempted to assure him.
 
“Why does that still worry me?” Even said, pausing to ruffle Finn’s hair.
 
“Even, sit next to us!” demanded Finn, while Erik enthusiastically patted the seat next to him.
 
“No, boys, Even is going to sit next to his boyfriend,” Elina explained, as she miraculously pulled some disinfecting wipes seemingly from nowhere and began to dab at her children’s hands.
 
“I’ll come check out your Pokemon later, I promise!” Even told them with an earnest nod.
 
His boyfriend dropped into the seat next to him, pushing his chair in before reaching under the table to lock their hands together. The action sent a shockwave through Isak, both at being touched by Even and the anxiety of his family members being in such close proximity. He was beginning to think none of them would mind, though. Internally, he was amazed by how casually they had all seemed to accept their relationship, despite Isak being a boy and despite the mess in which it had started. It felt so surreal, to sit there next to the man he loved, holding his hand beneath the dining room table, surrounded by his extended family. Surreal in a good way. He entwined his fingers together with Even’s, which was enough to make Even beam at him in that way that always made him feel slightly giddy.
 
“Okay, this food’s not going to eat itself,” Petter declared, already reaching for the serving tongs, “dig in!”
 
“Wait, wait!” Lise called from the other end of the table, picking up her glass of wine, “A toast first!”
 
Viktor groaned loudly, midway through dishing a large helping of roast onto his plate.
 
“Don’t worry Dad, I’ll keep it quick,” Lise rolled her eyes, “I just want to say that, well, in many ways, this has been a shit of a year for our family. But it’s had some special moments too. And at the end of the day, what this has made me realise more than ever is, just how important family is.” she paused, taking in each and every person at the table. “So, here’s to our little family, including its new members,” she nodded directly at Isak.
 
“Yes! To Even’s handsome new boyfriend!” Elina raised her glass, winking, and Even spluttered.
 
“To Isak!” Petter held his glass up in agreement, fixing Isak with a look of such sincere gratitude that he almost thought he would burst.
 
“To Isak and Even!” Marie added, as Henry and Viktor also picked up their glasses. “To family!”
 
“To us!” Even raised his glass too, squeezing Isak’s hand tighter. “To surviving 2016!”
 
“God jul!” declared Henry happily, clinking his glass together with Marie’s happily.
 
“God jul!” the others added, and Isak chimed in happily.
 
***

15:45

As the meal drew to a close, and Isak settled into the discussion and banter surrounding him, he found himself a little in awe of the Bech Næsheims and the Bech-not-Næsheims. This was nothing like any family holiday he’d ever experienced, which were always stiff and uncomfortable affairs, filled with long silences and internal prayers to please, please let his mother act normal for once, so his aunts and uncles wouldn’t give him and his sister that look. Here, the conversation was intense and flowing, with loud voices often shouting over each other and scattered bursts of laughter, more often than not at one of Petter’s terrible Dad jokes. Even’s family teased each other mercilessly, but it was never done with any hint of shame or malice, only the upmost affection and love. Once he got over the initial shock to his sensibilities (‘they can’t say that about each other, can they?’), he came to the conclusion that this was what a real family was supposed to be like. This sense of safety and belonging, not isolation and fear of prejudice.
 
It was hard for Isak to name his feelings about being so readily included by Even’s family without making himself guilty. On the one hand, it felt wonderful and warm to be sitting amongst them, wrapped in their little bubble of love and happiness. On the other - and he hated to even think it - he kind of resented the fact that he’d had to live so long without something like this in his life. Of course, Jonas’ parents had always tried to include him in their family celebrations when they could, but he often suspected it was done more out of sympathy for his own home situation than anything else, and that made him feel distinctly like an outsider. It didn’t seem fair that up until now, Christmas time for him had been associated with loneliness and shame and fucking stress dreams that made him grind his teeth to a nub. It wasn’t Even’s fault, of course, or anyone else’s. But it made him feel sorry for himself - and feeling sorry for himself always made him angry.
 
“Are you okay there, Isak?” Elina asked gently, breaking him out of his revere. He was touched to see how concerned she actually looked.
 
“Sorry, I just spaced out for a minute,” Isak gave her a brave smile, which must not have seemed too convincing, because Elina only frowned in response.
 
“Long as you’re sure.”
 
He avoided answering the question by looking over to where Even was sitting on the couch, Finn by his side and Erik on his lap, completely fixated on the DS. At the other end of the table, Petter was in the middle of telling a convoluted story to Henry, Viktor and Marie. Isak had tried to listen in originally but had been totally lost, so he’d decided to join Lise and Elina’s conversation instead.
 
“Even’s in his element, there,” Lise smiled fondly, following Isak’s gaze, “he loves being a big cousin. Do you have any kids in your family, Isak?”
 
“No, none,” Isak admitted. “My cousins are all older than me, so.”
 
Lise nodded understandingly, taking a sip of coffee from her mug. “This might surprise you, given the age gap between our kids, but Elina is actually my older sister.”
 
“Only by two years!” interrupted Elina. “Can you tell, Isak? We look the same age, don’t we?”
 
“You do,” Isak replied honestly.
 
“I’m really beginning to like Isak a lot,” Elina laughed. “You’re not just a pretty face!”
 
Isak blushed ferociously, but grinned nonetheless. 
 
“He’s definitely a keeper, I think!” Lise added.
 
Isak studied her face carefully, trying to work out just how old she was. She was younger than his own mother, certainly, but it was hard to tell just by how much. Absently, he wondered how his mother would react if she ever met Lise Bech. She was the kind of woman his mother would probably tutt at in the street, making some loud comment about how any woman who looked like that had to be shallow, and vacuous, and a terrible mother. The thought of frumpy, dishevelled and unkempt Marianne Valtersen passing judgement on vibrant, elegant and witty Lise made his stomach churn.
 
“I was twenty-two when Even was born,” Lise went on, seeming to guess part of his train of thought. “Petter was twenty-three. As you might assume, it wasn’t exactly planned.”
 
She added the last bit in a hushed whisper, though she acted far from embarrassed by it.
 
“Oh,” Isak responded. He wasn’t sure what else he was supposed to say.
 
“Those two couldn’t keep their hands off each other back then,” Elina chuckled fondly, pointing accusingly at her younger sister. “They still can’t.”
 
Lise laughed heartily. “What can I say? I’m a sucker for tall, lanky men.”
 
“It was sweet,” Elina nodded in agreement, “I’d never seen anyone so besotted as my sister. Well, except maybe Even, now.”
 
“Sssh!” Lise waved a hand at her giggling. “Even will get all embarrassed if he hears you talk like that. Sorry, Isak. My big sister loves to tease.”
 
“I’m just stating the truth!”
 
“Anyway,” Lise rolled her eyes, “so Even came along when I was in my early twenties. I didn’t want to have any more kids after that, and neither did Petter, really. We both felt that Even completed the package, sort of. Like we were always supposed to be three.”
 
“He was in their wedding, you know,” Elina said, pausing to take a sip of their coffee, “oh, Isak, he was the cutest little ring boy you’d ever seen. Little suit and tie, with a little blond bowl haircut!”
 
Lise snorted. “He’s never forgiven me for that haircut.”
 
“It was adorable!” Elina protested. “Do you have a picture handy? We’ve got to show him!”
 
Lise slammed her mug down resolutely, eyes wide with excitement. “I think there’s one in the study! “
 
Both Isak and Elina laughed as Lise hurried away.
 
“I’m sorry if we’re being a bit much, Isak,” Elina said once they had calmed down. “Like my husband said, you do get used to us. I remember the first time I brought my husband home to meet my parents and Lise and Petter. He thought we were all nuts!”
 
“I think it’s nice,” Isak answered. And he meant it.
 
Elina must have been able to sense his earnestly, because her features softened somewhat.
 
“You’re good for him, I think,” she said quietly, nodding to where Even was playing with her two boys. There was a seriousness to her tone that Isak found quite startling, given how jovial she had been until now. “Lise told me that you looked after him when he was…well, you know.”
 
Isak swallowed, nodding slightly to show he understood. From across the room, Even must have felt their eyes on him, because he glanced up from what he was doing to fix them with the widest smile.
 
“He’s a wonderful kid. So clever…my little nephew,” Elina gave a strange little laugh, and for just a minute Isak thought she might tear up. “I worry sometimes that the world might not understand him…that life will be unkind to him. But it makes me feel better to know he’s met someone who gets him, you know? Who can look after him while also not making him feel like he’s weird or strange, or someone who needs to be treated like a child.”
 
Isak felt him clam a little at that, realising that Elina obviously didn’t know about his shitty reaction to finding out about Even’s bipolar. Stop texting me. It stung with shame every time he thought about it.
 
“Sorry, that got far too deep for a Christmas lunch, didn’t it?” Elina smiled, patting his arm reassuringly. “I hope I didn’t upset you. I just want you to know that we’re all very grateful to you. And you’re very welcome in our family.”
 
If only she knew. Her words should have comforted him, but they made him feel like shit. For the hurtful things he had said to Even - I’m better off without mentally ill people around me - and the ways in which he’d pushed him away, intentionally and not.
 
Even was still looking at him, with that painfully stunning face and those wildly beautiful eyes. He leaned down and whispered something to Finn and Erik, keeping his gaze locked on Isak all the while. The two children shot a series of mischievous glances his way, bursting into seemingly spontaneous fits of giggles.
 
“Uh oh,” Elina chuckled beside him, noticing the activity, “that can’t be good.”
 
“What do you think they’re planning?” Isak asked her, much happier with the lighter tone of the conversation.
 
“Lord only knows. We better keep an eye on them.”
 
Finn and Erik had slowly begun to make their way around the room, nudging each other and giggling behind their hands as they stared at him. It was kind of amusing, Isak thought, how kids would stare so blatantly at someone and think that it was somehow invisible. Every time he caught them looking his way, they’d immediately stop and pretend to be busy doing something else, guilty expressions plastered to their faces. He turned to Even with a confused tilt of his head, only receiving a not-so-innocent eyebrow twitch in return. He grinned. Alright, then. He would play along. He turned back his attention back to Elina, pretending he couldn’t hear the boys slowly approaching.
 
“So soccer team, eh?” she was asking him. “What position do you play?”
 
“Midfielder, usually Defensive Midfielder, but it really depends.”
 
“Oh! You know Henry used to play at school-”
 
Isak never heard the rest of Elina’s sentence, as he felt two pairs of small hands on his shoulders, and heard screaming in his ears. He had heard the kids approaching from a mile away, but the loud, sudden noise was enough to make him jump in his seat. This was obviously the desired reaction, as Finn and Erik came to stand in front of him, laughing hysterically.
 
“Boys!” Elina tried to reprimand, but the slightest upturn in the corners of her mouth gave her away.
 
“We got you!” Erik pointed at him accusingly.
 
“Even said we would scare you!” Finn added through a fit of giggles.
 
Even was still sitting on the couch watching the scene play out, trying and failing very hard to keep a straight face.
 
Erik grabbed hold of his shirt and tugged sharply. Evidently, he was a little more comfortable with Isak than he’d been before. Finn still seemed a little shy, standing at arms distance and surveying Isak carefully now the fun had died down.
 
“Come on, Even says you have to come play with us now!” demanded Erik.
 
Isak turned back to Elina, hoping she might offer some support. It was ridiculous how nervous he felt at the thought of hanging out with kids. What were kids into, anyway? What was he supposed to do?
 
Elina only shrugged her shoulders, offering a cheeky smile. “You’re being summoned, Isak.”
 
Well, fuck. The woman was no help.
 
“Um, okay,” he said shyly, allowing the little kid to drag him away. At least Even was over there.
 
“You got him!” his boyfriend declared happily, leaning back in the couch as they approached.
 
“We scared him!” Erik said proudly, still holding onto Isak’s shirt.
 
“Yeah, you really did,” Isak grinned down at him, which made the kid start to giggle all over again.
 
Even smiled - the Bech family trademark smile, he’d now learned - and patted the spot next to him on the couch. Isak sat, leaving only the tiniest gap between their thighs. A gap he suddenly became hyper aware of. Erik occupied his other side at an awkward angle, sort of half-on and half-off the couch as he fidgeted around, while Finn rested against the arm rest beside Even, still a little standoffish.
 
“Isak, what Pokemon do you have?” Erik asked suddenly with genuine interest. This kid was all over the place.
 
“Um…” Isak tried to remember. He’d probably been about Finn’s age the last time he played a Nintendo game.
 
“Isak mostly plays FIFA, like me,” Even interjected, saving him.
 
“Even is good at FIFA! He showed it to us last time, at Aunty Lise’s birthday. To my brother and me.”
 
“Well, Isak is better than me,” Even raised a teasing eyebrow. “He beat me.”
 
“No way!” Erik gasped, so exaggerated and intense that it was truly comical.
 
“Whoa,” Isak turned to Even in mock surprise, “did you just admit that out loud?”
 
“If anyone else asks, I’ll lie.”
 
“You must be really good,” Erik continued on over their conversation. “I tried to play it but I’m too little. I like watching Even play, though.”
 
“Finn had a turn. He’s not bad,” Even nudged his cousin, trying to pull him into the conversation.
 
“Finn sucked!” complained Erik.
 
“I bet that’s not true,” Isak offered, kindly as he could.
 
Finn gave him a half-hearted smile. He was going to be harder to deal with than the younger boy. Isak wondered if he ever tried to scare Sonja, perhaps even at Christmas time last year. Finn probably liked Sonja…Isak imagined that she was good with kids. He was probably confused as hell, having this strange guy turn up out of the blue and his questions about Sonja’s whereabouts brushed aside. Maybe Finn had heard kids in the playground making gay jokes, Isak thought with a pang of sadness, and was now slowly applying those comments to the cousin he looked up to so much.
 
“Make Isak play,” Erik insisted, looking across at Even as though Isak wasn’t between them. “I want to see him beat you.”
 
Even and Isak’s eyes met at that and they simultaneously burst into laughter.
 
“You heard him,” Isak smirked.
 
“You asked for it,” Even made a show of cracking his knuckles. “Hey Finn, hand me the controllers, would you?”
 
***

17:10

Even was lying on the floor in front of the couch, playing some sort of weird game with Erik that Isak didn’t understand, but mostly appeared to consist of Erik crawling all over his cousin like he was an actual jungle gym. Even didn’t seem to mind, barely flinching when Erik swung a leg over his shoulder, angling to sit down.
 
“Revenge is sweet,” Even told him, holding out his hands to Erik for support.
 
Isak laughed from his spot on the couch. “Maybe I let you win?”
 
It was a huge lie, but he wasn’t going to let his boyfriend get off Scott free.
 
“I don’t believe that for a second.”
 
“Even!” Erik shouted in annoyance from his precarious position on Even’s shoulders. “You’re supposed to be helping me get to space!”
 
The noise was loud enough to garner Elina’s attention from over at the table with the ‘grown ups’. She twisted in her chair and narrowed her eyes at her youngest son.
 
“Boys, if you’re going to space make sure it happens nowhere near the coffee table! I don’t want to take a festive trip to the emergency room!”
 
“She has a point,” Even affirmed, dropping Erik down with an oomph and glancing around the room. “Maybe we can go over there. Come on.” 
 
They moved slightly to the patch of open space between the living and dining areas, Erik swiftly resuming his climbing activities. Lise hadn’t been wrong about Even being in his element. He seemed to know exactly what to say and do with his younger cousins, and they clearly hung off his every word. Isak found it impossibly sweet.
 
Beside him, Finn was smashing the buttons on the Playstation controller with reckless abandon, grunting in frustration at the TV screen. He’d started playing against the game after Isak and Even finished, but he was still struggling to get the basic mechanics figured out, and seemed to be growing angrier by the second.
 
Isak took a deep breath and decided to dive in. This was an area he could actually help with, at least.
 
“Try to focus on your defence a bit more, if you can.”
 
The kid cast him a brief, sidelong glance that Isak couldn’t decipher for the life of him. He seemed to take the advice to heart, however, switching to his defence players more often, until he finally managed to defer the ball.
 
“Nice,” Isak nodded in approval. To his surprise, Finn actually cracked a smile.
 
They sat in silence a little while longer, until the animatronic match drew to a close, and Finn’s dejected players appeared briefly on screen before the score.
 
“You’ll win next time,” Isak said in response to Finn’s dejected face.
 
He wished this didn’t feel so awkward and forced. He wished Even would come back. Sonja was probably great in these situations. Sonja would have made sense to Finn, whereas…
 
“Sonja’s not with Even anymore. That’s why she’s not here.”
 
He surprised himself as the words came tumbling out before he could stop them. It was enough to make Finn drop the controller and fix all of his attention onto Isak, blinking at him with wide, disbelieving eyes.
 
“Sorry. I wanted to answer your question, from when we met before,” Isak tried his best to keep looking back at the kid, despite his increasing heart rate. “I don’t know if anyone has explained it to you or not. The thing is…Even’s with me now, in the way he was with Sonja…and well, I hope that’s okay.”
 
He could sense Finn studying him intensely, and hoped he wouldn’t break under the silent scrutiny. The silent scrutiny of a primary school student, for Christ’s sake! He gave Finn the space he needed to process what he’d just said.
 
After what felt like an eternity, he finally got an answer.
 
“I think that’s okay.”
 
Finn paused to consider this response again, then nodded as if to confirm it. He graced Isak with another smile, which he gladly returned.
 
“Cool.”
 
Finn opened his mouth to say something else, closed it again, considering. Working up to it a moment before…
 
“Mum said that Even might not feel like playing with us today. That he might be sad,” he said. “But, I don’t think he’s sad. Do you?”
 
Isak looked over to where Even was still playing with Erik on the floor, holding him aloft with his legs and arms and grinning as his little cousin shrieked with laughter.
 
“No,” he replied, smiling to himself, “not anymore.”
 
***

21:18

“Ewww,” Finn’s sudden exclamation shook everyone awake, “they’re kissing!”
 
Isak blinked sleepily at the TV screen, where the shitty Christmas special that had been playing for the past hour (but nobody had actually been watching) was drawing to a close. He looked over Even to the other side of the couch, where Finn and Erik were nestled under a blanket, shielding their eyes from the TV screen.
 
“Gross!” Erik agreed, disgusted.
 
The attractive young actors on the TV screen were actually tonguing pretty hard, Isak had to admit. Probably a bit too much for a Christmas special that was meant to be family friendly. Beside him, he felt his boyfriend laugh, chest shaking from the action. At some point as the night winded down, and the family slowly began to gather around the TV, Even had wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him into his side, the other hand occasionally touching his knee. It made him tense to begin with, but once he realised nobody in the Bech Næsheim family seemed to mind at all, he’d gradually relaxed a little. Every now and then, though, he felt a tiny jolt of adrenaline. He was here in Even’s house, and Even was holding him, and his family were fine with it!
 
Viktor had drifted off to sleep in the armchair some time ago, and Isak honestly felt like he wasn’t that far behind. He was amazed by how much energy the rest of them still seemed to have.
 
“What’s wrong with kissing?” Even was asking his younger cousins.
 
Finn squinted at him through the gaps in his fingers, as if that was the stupidest thing anyone could have said. “Just tell us when it’s over, okay?”
 
“Why, are you embarrassed?” Even teased them. “I promise you guys, one day kissing won’t seem gross anymore. One day it will be your favourite thing!”
 
“No!!” both Erik and Finn shouted in unison, aghast as they removed their hands.
 
Even seized the opportunity and wrapped his free arm around Isak’s waist, planting a series of chaste pecks on his cheek before he was able to think properly. He made a small sound of surprise just as he felt Even’s lips grinning against his skin.
 
“Argh!” Finn yelled, face turning deep red. Erik picked up a pillow and smooched it against his face.
 
“See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” Even nudged them, clearly loving this.
 
“Even!” Finn whined, while Erik giggled a little.
 
On the adjacent couch, Elina snorted and leaned across to Lise in a loud whisper.
 
“I’m going to remind him of this when he brings someone home for the first time. That he once thought kissing was gross!”
 
Lise, Petter, Henry and Marie all chuckled as the boys turned even redder.
 
As the Christmas special finally drew to a close, Henry stretched and yawned loudly.
 
“Okay, I think that’s our cue to leave,” he looked to his wife, who nodded.
 
“Someone needs to wake Viktor up,” Marie complained. “It’s not going to be me. He gets cranky when you wake him up after too much wine.”
 
Petter rolled his eyes. “I’ll do it.”
 
“Are you sure you can all get home safely?” Lise asked from the dining chair she’d pulled over. “It was snowing quite heavily today.”
 
“We’ll be fine,” Henry reassured her, touching her shoulder kindly.
 
“Come on boys,” Elina said as she ran a hand through Erik’s hair, “time to go home.”
 
“No,” Erik pouted, despite the drowsiness that was clearly setting in, “I want to stay here and play with Even and Isak.”
 
Isak’s inclusion in that sentence didn’t go unnoticed. Why did a six-year-old’s approval suddenly make him feel so awesome?
 
Elina snorted. “I think you’ve annoyed them enough for today.”
 
“I want to stay too,” Finn said defiantly, sounding slightly less exhausted than his brother.
 
“If you stay here you’re going to have to watch more kissing,” Even said, before immediately placing another array of sloppy, wet kisses on Isak’s cheek.
 
Finn practically leapt off the couch. “Yuck! Okay, fine, I’m going!”
 
Elina mouthed a silent ‘thank you’ at them as she collected Erik in her arms, and Isak took a moment to admire just how much her expression softened as his head flopped sleepily onto her shoulder.
 
It took another twenty minutes or so for Petter to get Viktor awake and out of the chair (he was grumpy when he’d had a nap after too much wine), and for Marie to find her purse, for Elina and Henry to wrangle their kids out the door and for everyone to say their goodbyes. As soon as they were gone, Petter made a beeline for the couch and practically dived into it, sinking into it with a loud groan.
 
“Do you boys want to spend the night here?” Lise asked as she began clearing the few remaining cups off the table. “It’s getting pretty late.”
 
Even turned to Isak with a small smile and a shrug. “Up to you.”
 
“Sure, why not,” Isak answered without much deliberation. It made a lot more sense than trying to walk home in the freezing night air.
 
“Yeah, Mum. We’ll stay.”
 
Lise stopped midway through cleaning and gave them both a look of pure delight. It shouldn’t have been surprising. Even had been spending so much time away from home lately, his mother was probably thrilled to have him back.
 
“Wonderful! I can make breakfast in the morning - well, okay, Petter can make breakfast - and maybe we can watch a movie. Something not Christmas related, obviously. Don’t know about you but I’m over it.”
 
“Sounds good,” Even chuckled and patted her shoulder.
 
“Do you need any help cleaning up?”
 
“No, no,” Lise waved his question away. “There’s hardly anything left to do, but thank you for the offer, Isak. You guys just relax, make some tea, watch TV, do whatever you want. Shit, I hope there’s enough room for you both in that tiny bed.”
 
If this was Isak’s mother, she’d probably make up a second bed for Even in a state of utter denial, he thought grimly. In fact, she’d probably refuse to let him stay over at all.
 
“Don’t worry, Mum,” Even said, before resting a hand on Isak’s back and lowering his voice. “Want to just chill in my room?”
 
Isak nodded, suddenly feeling shy as Even fixed him with glittering blues. “Okay.”
 
They bid goodnight to Lise and Petter, before making their way to Even’s bedroom. Fuck, it had been a while since he’d been in there. He’d hung around outside awkwardly the last time they’d visited as Even collected some things, worried that Even’s parents might think he was being untoward or creepy if he followed him in. It still constantly amazed him how casual they were, more so than any parents he’d met before. Maybe it was because they were younger than all the other parents he knew, or because they had a slightly older son. Maybe it was just because they were fucking great people.
 
He soon discovered that Even’s parents were also the type of people to keep spare toothbrushes and guest towels in the bathroom, something that was completely unheard of at the Kollektiv. After he got back from brushing his teeth, Even handed him a spare shirt and pair of tracksuit pants to change into, which he returned to the bathroom to do. Even clearly found that hysterical.
 
“Shut up! It’s not weird! This is your parents’ house!” Isak argued when he came back. “I don’t want them to think we’re…you know…”
 
“Isak, they don’t care,” Even spluttered from the bunk bed, propped up on one arm where he’d been playing with his phone. “They’re letting us sleep in the same room. Like, they weren’t born yesterday, you know.”
 
“I’m just trying to be respectful, fucking hell.”
 
As he climbed the ladder to Even’s bed, his boyfriend watched him with a grin that occasionally split into giggles.
 
“Stop laughing at me!” he yelled, though now he was laughing too.
 
“Sorry. It’s just,” he paused as Isak flopped down beside him. “You’re just fucking cute.”
 
Great, now he was blushing again. Blushing and laughing. Laughing and blushing. That’s all he ever seemed to do lately, thanks to Even.
 
“I’m not,” he countered, nestling into Even’s side as a long arm wrapped around him, “I’m like, super mature and grown up and stuff. I’ve got my own place, you know. I even pay rent now.”
 
He felt Even’s arm squeeze him tighter, pulling them even closer together. “You can be both.”
 
His boyfriend kissed him quickly, sweetly, before delving in for a longer, gentler kiss. Despite knowing Even’s parents could literally walk in at any second, he felt completely relaxed. Everything about his surroundings was Even. The smell of the sheets, the drawings on the wall, the guitars (he’d have to get Even to play for him sometime, he thought absently). It was so familiar, even though he’d only been here once before. As warm and safe as he felt being tucked into Even’s side right now.
 
“I’m sorry if my family was weird today,” he heard Even say above him. It was hard to tell if he was joking or being serious.
 
Isak paused for a moment to consider. “I guess it makes a lot of sense now. Why you’re so weird, I mean.”
 
He felt Even squeeze him again in response and he giggled.
 
“No, your family’s cool,” he said earnestly. “Well, I’m pretty sure your aunt was hitting on me, so…”
 
“Fucking hell,” Even groaned. “Ah, she means well…Actually, that’s a load of shit. She doesn't mean well.”
 
“She’s nice.”
 
He didn’t mean to sound so depressed when he said that. He hadn’t even meant for those words to come out, but perhaps subconsciously he felt bad for making fun of Elina when she’d been so nice and accommodating. All of those compliments and comments about what he’d supposedly done for Even…It had been a strange day for him. Good - great even - but weird in so many ways. So much had changed and was continuing to change for him in a short space of time. He didn’t really want to acknowledge how terrified he was by that.
 
Even must have sensed something, because he was tracing fingers along his still-aching jawline, coaxing him to lift his head and meet his gaze. As soon as he did, Even was all he could see and think. That beautiful boy was looking at him with a blend of confusion and care that actually made his heart ache. He was overcome again with the urge to tell him that he loved him, to the point where he could feel the weight of the words on his lips, desperate to be heard. I love you, I love you, I love you. God, they were so close. It would be so easy, and yet so fucking hard. He’d never actually said those words out loud before to anyone but family. And Even could always freak out. He imagined those stunning blue eyes flinching at him, followed by something like, ‘Uh, I only said that to you because I was depressed, so yeah. Way too soon, bro.’
 
“You good?” Even asked softly, voice laden with kindness.
 
Isak managed his bravest smile. “Yeah, I’m good.”
 
Even kept staring at him, fingers still lightly touching his jaw, and he hardly seemed convinced. He closed his eyes, exhaled, and opened them again, and the atmosphere suddenly wasn’t so heavy. He was going to let this one go.
 
He broke their eye contact, shifting slightly underneath Isak so that he was lying flat on his back. “Fuck, I am so full. I ate too much.”
 
“Yeah,” Isak said to the ceiling, glad the conversation had changed. “Your dad is a good cook.”
 
“You should tell him that,” Even said, “he’d love it. He was, like, trying real hard to impress you.”
 
Isak snorted. “Your dad wanted to impress me. Sure.”
 
“Seriously! My family are probably more nervous around you than you are with them. They want you to like them too, you know.”
 
Isak knew he’d never believe that in a million years, but it was a nice gesture all the same.
 
“I like them too,” he told the ceiling.
 
***

11:52

Even had fallen asleep, his warm breath brushing against Isak’s hair as they cuddled together on the single bed. Still wide awake, he decided to check his messages for the first time since that morning. He had a few from the flat chat, wondering when he was getting home so they could start drinking the mulled wine Eskild had made, then eventually deciding to start without him. A Snapchat from Jonas of him looking miserable in a stupid Christmas hat next to his sister, with the caption ‘Save me’. Another one of Eva in the bathroom, sticking her tongue out and clutching a bottle of wine she’d smuggled at a family function. A thread of 50-something messages in the group chat with the boys that he couldn’t be bothered to read. A few texts and voicemails from his dad, wondering where he was and why he wasn’t responding (like he’d actually want to spend Christmas with his dad, really). And…just one from his mother, sent less than an hour ago.

1 John 5:11

And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.

The message he had composed to her at 3am was still sitting there, the cursor blinking at him next to the send box.

Hi, Mum. Merry Christmas.

He lay still a few minutes, staring into the darkness and listening to Even sleep next to him.
 
Just before midnight, he pressed send.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Wednesday, 28 December, 2016

16:55

Even stared at the homework question in front of him for the umpteenth time. Tried to make it so that it was all he could see, all he could think about. Stared so hard that he could make out a tiny smear above one of the letter ‘A’s’ printed onto the page.

What is ‘The Great Gatsby’ about?

It was a good question. A great one, actually. So open ended. He could write about unrequited love, consumerism, lost hopes and dreams, and bittersweet endings. These were all things he’d normally love to analyse. And he’d loved ‘The Great Gatsby’. Couldn’t believe his lucky stars when the teacher had assigned it to them to read months ago. It was one of his favourite books.
 
So why was this so fucking hard?
 
He knew the answer to that question, at least. It was hard because, for the second time in less than twelve months, he had fallen behind in school. Of course, this was nowhere near as bad as it had been before. He wouldn’t be forced to drop out, like at Bakka. He’d only missed a couple of weeks. The teachers had been ‘very understanding’, as his parents explained. He could have an extension on all assignments and use the Christmas break to catch up. Return to school in January ready for a ‘fresh start’. Sure. Okay.
 
Fresh start. Because catching up on his schoolwork meant that everyone would also stop calling him a psycho at school.
 
Even realised he had been tapping his pen rhythmically against his textbook without noticing it. Stopped for a minute. Felt restless. Reconsidered and tapped again. He should be happy. His parents and his therapist had commented on the fact that he’d bounced back from his episode much faster this time, and he knew they were right. He had Isak to thank for that. Isak and his unwavering, quiet attention. Never pressing, but always there. Exactly what he never knew he needed. Lately, he was even starting to feel like doing the stuff he loved again. Spending time with his family, playing around with his camera, drawing, playing guitar. Talking to people. Having sex. Progress, right? Some days were shittier than others, but he was trying.
 
What sucked was when the curtain of depression lifted, and he wasn’t numb to everything anymore. How embarrassed he felt about how he’d behaved when he was manic. He desperately wanted not to care about kids at Nissen gossiping over the weird gay dude in third year who (rumour has it!) ran naked down the street in the middle of the night and had to be tackled by two policemen. But he was only human. The embarrassment would subside, as it always did, and eventually so would the gossip. It didn’t make the here and now any less of a living hell. Didn’t exactly make him feel motivated to finish his homework and get back to school.
 
The only thing that made him feel okay about it was Isak. Isak, who had diligently collected all of his schoolwork from his teachers over the past few weeks and filed it away for ‘whenever he was ready’. Who had coordinated his housemates to look after him when he wasn’t home (it had annoyed him at the time, but now he was eternally grateful). Who had handled all the nasty messages and cornering in the school corridor from nosy classmates that wanted to know what happened, while Even had hidden away at the Kollektiv.
 
Isak, who he loved so damn much.

What is ‘The Great Gatsby’ about?

He could string together a couple of paragraphs on that for Isak.
 
After writing for a while, he set his pen aside and leaned back from where he’d set up on the coffee table to stretch out the cramp in his fingers. Isak was sitting across from him, sprawled over the full length of his couch, Even’s laptop resting on his thighs and headphones plugged in. He’d been like that for hours, content to keep himself busy during the homework session, despite Even’s protests that he’d be bored. To be fair, he seemed entirely engrossed in what he was watching, not even noticing that he was currently the sole object of Even’s attention. A vey loose-fitting pair of Even’s old grey sweatpants hung low around his hips, and his white shirt had ridden up slightly under his unzipped hoodie, revealing a set of perfectly toned abs. A hand reached up lazily to scratch them.
 
God. Damn.
 
Maybe the rest of the essay could wait.
 
Isak finally noticed he had a spectator, glancing over at Even briefly before fixing him with a look of startled confusion.
 
“What?” he laughed nervously, pulling out one of the earpieces at the same time.
 
It was something that constantly surprised Even about his boyfriend. The way he always acted shocked or oblivious when he received the slightest bit of attention. Was he genuinely not aware of how irresistible he was? Even thought back to when he’d first noticed Isak at school. This guy with so much swagger and bravado, who presented himself to the outside world as some uncaring, ultra-macho, can-get-any-chick-I-want bro. What lay underneath, he’d noticed quickly, was someone impossibly sweet, and smart, and funny, and warm, and shy, and intriguing. It was what drew him to Isak in the first place. That duality. In a different way, he could relate to it.
 
“Even, seriously,” Isak continued when he kept staring, self-consciously tugging the shirt back down over exposed skin.
 
Wordlessly, Even pushed himself up from the floor and crossed his bedroom floor. He lifted the laptop off him and placing it on the overcrowded coffee table. Isak giggled, attempting to sit up, before Even blocked him by straddling his hips, lowering his full weight down gradually. Isak’s thighs were warm where the laptop had been.
 
“Even,” his boyfriend said again, this time without any hints of humour. He licked his lips the way Even loved. The way he did when he felt shy.
 
He could tell it was starting to worry Isak, but he wanted to stare at him like this a minute longer. To take in the angelic blond curls that flopped aimlessly over his forehead and onto the pillow under him. The way he smelt a little like Even’s shampoo, and men’s body spray, and sweat, and lavender. The pink hue in those perfect cheeks. The way those green-grey eyes were looking back at him bashfully but laden with so much emotion. Like he was someone who really, fucking mattered.
 
He brushed some of those curls away, fluffy and freshly-washed under his fingertips, before trailing his hands down to cup that beautiful face. It would be so easy to tell him now. Easy, but also impossible. He couldn’t ruin this. Instead, he bent towards Isak and kissed him with the strength of all the things he didn’t dare say out loud.

I love you.

His boyfriend’s lips parted, allowing him to slide his tongue inside that perfect mouth. Isak tasted minty from the gum he’d had earlier, and as their lips moved eagerly together, the flavour became more intoxicating. It was slow and passionate at first, the intensity building like a slow burn. Isak’s hips began to move, gradually at first, so that Even thought he was imagining it. He felt Isak’s growing erection straining against the fabric of his pants, pushing up against his crotch. He moaned encouragingly into his boyfriends throat and grinder back down, rubbing their groins together.
 
“What happened to taking it slow?” Isak whispered as their mouths broke apart. He was trying to make a joke, but his voice was breathless and overblown with lust. It was enough to make Even desperate.
 
“I don’t know what your talking about,” he answered, his own voice deep and wanting. Truthfully, he did want to take it slow. After everything they’d been through recently, it felt like the smart and mature thing to do. He’d been trying his best to work up to more and more, after their first explosive time in the hotel. Now his sex drive appeared to be back in full force, however, and he had a gorgeous and willing boyfriend with him at all times, taking it slow was becoming increasingly difficult.
 
Isak must have taken this as a sign. As Even pressed their lips together, he felt a hand run along the length of his cock, rubbing teasingly through his sweatpants. The surprise and pleasure he felt all at once made him gasp.
 
“Fuck yes,” he heard himself murmur. He felt, rather than heard, Isak’s smile. The hand stroked him, driving him almost to madness, before dipping beneath his waistband. It struggled to get past his underwear, and Isak gave that cute little laugh that always made Even’s heart feel warm.
 
He made it there, after some effort. Even hovered just above his boyfriend, felt his eyes glaze over and desire grip him at Isak’s featherlight touch.
 
Somewhere that sounded very far away, he heard a door open.
 
“Hey Even are you - oh fuck. Sorry!”
 
Even sat up to see his dad leave as quickly as he had burst into the room, so flustered he accidentally slammed the door shut behind him. He locked eyes with Isak beneath him, both of them startled into a momentary stupor, before Even started laughing and Isak threw his arms up to cover his face simultaneously.
 
“Oh my God,” came his boyfriends muffled groan.
 
For Isak’s sake, Even tried his best to shut up. Unfortunately, it was just so damn funny.
 
“Relax, I promise he really doesn't care.”
 
“I had my hand down your pants.”
 
“I don’t think he noticed.”
 
“He definitely noticed, Even.”
 
Isak still had his face shielded, but patches of bright red were visible along is neck and jawline. Even did feel bad for him, but he also found this shyness and coyness around sex kind of - okay, really - endearing and cute.
 
“Okay, maybe he noticed,” he smiled, “but seriously, it’s no big deal.”
 
With the path to his face blocked, Even had no choice but to kiss Isak’s arms. HIs neck. Chest. Chaste and gentle rather than the neediness from before. There was nothing like an unexpected visit from your dad to completely kill the mood. He was pleased when Isak finally lowered his defences.
 
“One of these days we may get some actual privacy,” Even mused aloud, shaking his head. “Maybe we should go back to your place soon.”
 
“It’s not like it’s any better there,” Isak grumbled. “Eskild has no fucking boundaries. He probably would’ve walked straight in, sat down and started talking about Grindr while we were still going at it. Or something.”
 
“Yeah, doesn’t sound ideal,” Even spluttered. He liked Eskild, but Isak had a point.
 
He made an exaggerated glance towards the door, eyebrows raised. “Should we go and see what he wanted?”
 
Isak shook his head furiously. “No. I’ve decided I can never see your dad again.”
 
“You’re going to have to eventually,” Even grinned, to which Isak shook his head again. “What about when you want to go home?”
 
“No, I’ve worked it all out. I’ll just stay in here until like 4am or something, then sneak out in the dark and never come back again. You’ll have to come to my place from now on. We’ll just tell your parents I died. Problem solved.”
 
His expression was so somber and intense that Even almost believed him for a second.
 
“Solid plan,” he joked, “but maybe we should just go out there now and get it over with, before my parents start to think we’re having sex in here.”
 
Isak gaped at him, aghast. “Fuck, I didn’t think of that.”
 
Even laughed as he swung himself off Isak, holding out a hand to help his boyfriend to his feet. He was flustered, adjusting his shirt and running fingers through his hair in an effort to neaten himself up. Even wasn’t sure why he was bothering. Isak had made a brief trip home to grab a few outfits that afternoon, but otherwise they hadn’t really left the apartment. They’d both been wearing nothing but sweats and hoodies since Christmas. Hell, he’d sworn nothing but sweats and hoodies since he’d been arrested. For the first time in weeks, that was starting to annoy him. He’d wear actual, yes-I-care-about-myself clothes tomorrow, he swore.
 
He opened the door and headed for the living room, assuming that Isak would follow. Since this morning, both his parents had set up shop on the dining table, their laptops propped open opposite each other’s and stacks of folders and papers strewn between them. How they’d managed to transform the space from a festive Christmas setting to a chaotic monstrosity in a number of hours was beyond him. Still, he wasn’t surprised they were getting straight back into work, despite their offices being closed. Both his parents were social workers, and depressingly, holidays were often their busiest times of the year.
 
“Hi honey,” his mum looked up from her screen as they walked in. Her eyes were crinkled as though she as trying to hold her laughter in. No doubt his dad had told her already.
 
“Hey boys,” his dad swivelled around in his chair and fixed them with a sly grin. “Sorry about before. I’ll remember to knock from now on.”
 
Even shrugged, grinning straight back. He could sense Isak’s presence behind him, and hoped he wasn’t dying from embarrassment. His parents were chill, and his boyfriend would figure that out before too long.
 
“Did you guys want something?” he asked innocently.
 
“Oh yeah,” his dad seemed to remember. “Your mother wanted to show you something.”
 
Lise looked triumphant as she sat back in her chair. “I found it, Isak! Come and see.”
 
Even turned behind him, raising two confused eyebrows as Isak only shrugged, equally stumped. His mother beckoned them over, practically gloating as she held up an old photograph that could not have been more humiliating. Four-year-old Even, awkwardly tall for his age, scowling in a suit while clutching a ring pillow, and sporting the ugliest haircut anybody had ever received.
 
“I forgot about that!” Isak exclaimed gleefully, taking the photo from her.
 
Forgot about it? When did this come up? What had they been telling him?
 
“Mum, what the hell?” 
 
Petter had come around to their side of the table and was chuckling to himself as he figured out what was going on.
 
“It’s from our wedding. Man, you were so grumpy that day. Kept throwing these temper tantrums. Do you remember, Even?”
 
“Unfortunately, I do,” Even grumbled. “Why on earth did you give me that haircut, again? It looks like someone emptied a bowl of custard on my head.”
 
Isak sniggered beside him, and Even did his best to look mock-offended.
 
“Oh shut up about the haircut, already,” his mother teased. “It was the style at the time. All the kids had it. It was cute!”
 
“Your hair was lighter then,” Isak commented, studying the picture. “Still looks like you, though.”
 
“You know what Isak should really see, sweetheart?” his dad chimed in. “A photo where Ev dressed up for one of his one-man shows. Do you remember those? When he used to put on those plays and make us watch?”
 
“Oh, I definitely have those photos somewhere. Maybe even a home video.”
 
“What!?” Isak looked way too excited.
 
“I hate all of you,” Even complained, making all three of them laugh.
 
“Sorry, sweetie, we’ll stop teasing you,” his mother stood up and rubbed his shoulder comfortingly. “For now, anyway.”
 
“It’s getting close to dinner time,” Petter said as he checked his watch. “Do you two know what you’re doing tonight, yet?”
 
“We were thinking of going out for something to eat, if you’d like to come,” Lise added before they could respond.
 
“Japanese, maybe,” his dad continued. “We both need a break from eating Christmas leftovers.”
 
Even glanced at his boyfriend, indicating that he should answer. He’d sort of been loving this time with the three people he cared about most all together, but he was also worried that Isak might need a break. They’d barely left each other’s side in weeks. Truth was he was still feeling needy as hell, but the last thing he wanted to do was suffocate the person he loved.
 
To his delight, though, Isak brightened at the invitation. “Sure! I love Japanese food.”
 
His parents exchanged a knowing glance that he couldn’t quite read. A mixture of happiness and…something else. Like Isak’s response had confirmed what only they could see.
 
“Great,” his dad said casually. “Let’s leave in an hour or two.”
 
***

19:06

After a lengthy debate about whether or not they should drive or walk there (‘It’s freezing cold, Lise!’, ‘But it’s only around the corner!’) they eventually decided on the latter. Even’s parents walked just ahead of them, their arms linked and hands in each other’s coat pockets as they talked quietly. His dad said something that made his mum giggle and nuzzle her face into his shoulder. The fact that they’d been together for over twenty years and still acted like lovesick teenagers was equal parts disgusting and cute, in Even’s opinion. Their openness about being in love was probably why he’d never really been concerned about public displays of affection.
 
Isak, however, appeared to be a different story. He walked alongside Even, content to let their arms brush together and behaving like he was perfectly carefree. But when Even had attempted to take his hand earlier, Isak had used it to cover his mouth in the worst fake coughing fit of all time. It was a little surprising, considering he’d put a photo of them looking really coupley up on Instagram ten days or so ago, and had been happy to kiss him at the Kosegruppa party, in an apartment full of people. Maybe being in an actual, public space was different. It was fine, he convinced himself. Isak had never been with a guy before him. Coming out is a journey, and all of that.
 
It seemed that everyone else in Oslo was also fed up with Christmas leftovers, because it turned out the restaurant had a twenty minute wait list. The pleasant but slightly harried waitress took their coats and handed them a couple of menus, before shooing them off to the bar. His dad ordered them some edamame and a round of drinks, and thankfully the bartender didn’t seem interested in checking any ID’s.
 
Isak’s eyes widened as he flipped through the menu.
 
“Don’t worry about it, honey,” his mother said gently when she noticed. “This is on us.”
 
“Are you sure?” his boyfriend said nervously.
 
“It’s the holidays, we need to have some fun,” Petter gave an encouraging smile. “This place is a little expensive, but the food is totally worth it. You’ll love it, Is.”
 
Isak gave Petter a lopsided smile. “Thank you. I don’t want to put you out.”
 
“Not at all,” his dad took a decided sip of his beer, as if that was the end of it.
 
Beside him, he felt his mother prod him in the ribs.
 
“So Even, how much schoolwork did you get through today?”
 
“I thought tonight was supposed to be about having fun?” Even said incredulously.
 
“That was our plan all along. To lull you into a false sense of security so we could make sure you were doing your assignments.”
 
“Well, if you must know, I finished an essay today.”
 
He honestly didn’t know how to feel when his parents and boyfriend all fixed him with identical sarcastic expressions.
 
“Okay, half an essay,” he admitted. “I was distracted.”
 
Isak choked on his beer at that, spitting a little back out into the glass. Lise and Petter both spluttered.
 
“Ah yes,” his dad beamed at him, actually looking a little proud, “‘distracted’ was how I failed my first semester of university.”
 
Even laughed as his mum swatted playfully at his father’s arm. Isak was laughing too, even leaning back into Even a little, totally relaxed in a way that was making Even so ridiculously happy until…
 
“Isak?”
 
It was amazing how quickly his expression dropped, the corners of his mouth flat, the sweet laughter evaporating into nothing. Isak was actually…scared? No, horrified.
 
The speaker was a middle-aged man who physically could not have been less horrifying. He was average height, a little overweight with greying hair and a baffled expression plastered to his face.
 
“Dad!” Isak exclaimed, the word catching in his throat.
 
Of all times and places. Even had to admit he’d been a little curious about Isak’s family, ever since he found out that Isak lived away from them and had seemingly cut all ties. He honestly didn’t know what he’d been expecting, but it certainly wasn’t this. This man who bore no resemblance to Isak. Who carried himself with an air of self-consciousness that infected everyone around him and left the air thick with tension. Who looked like he probably only smiled about twice a year.
 
“What are you doing here?” he asked, intense gaze traveling across the Bech Næsheims before returning to his son. “I thought you might stop by for Christmas. I called you a dozen times.”
 
Even had never seen Isak like this before. He was like a child who had just been caught breaking a house rule. It was almost as if he was trying to shrink into himself, shoulders hunched over, making himself as small as possible. He caught a glimpse of his parents watching the scene play out, confused and concerned.
 
“I had plans,” Isak answered, eyes narrowing at something over his father’s shoulder.
 
Even followed his gaze and noticed a woman loitering anxiously a few paces behind. Long dark hair. Pretty face. Far too young to ever be Isak’s mother.
 
Wow. Okay.
 
They stood in silence for what felt like an eternity, until finally, gratefully, Even’s father chose to break the tension.
 
“You must be Isak’s father. I’m Petter,” he extended a hand, “Even’s dad.”
 
“Lise. Pleased to meet you,” his mother followed suit, offering her best possible smile. “Thank you for letting us borrow your son over the holidays. We’ve been enjoying his company.”
 
“You’ve raised a good kid,” Petter added earnestly.
 
“Terje,” Isak’s dad shook their hands trepidatiously. “And thank you.”
 
Terje made no motion to introduce the woman behind him. Instead, he coughed and turned the full force of his uncomfortable staring towards Even, awaiting some kind of explanation.
 
“Hi, Even,” he introduced himself and shook Terje’s hand. The man’s grip was uncommonly firm.
 
He waited for a moment of recognition (‘Oh, so you’re Even!’) which never came.
 
“Are you a friend from school?”
 
That answered the question of whether or not Isak had told his dad about their relationship. He thought back to the conversation they’d had in the locker room what felt like an eternity ago. My dad would probably be cool with it. Perhaps ‘probably’ had been the operative word.
 
“Yeah, I go to Nissen,” Even answered. He wasn’t about to out Isak to a family member. It was so not his place.
 
The woman in the background was craning her neck to see what was going on. Lise gave her a small smile and a wave, which she shyly returned. Terje continued to act as though his companion was invisible.
 
This could not get any more awkward.
 
“Are you having dinner, Terje?” Lise said brightly. “You’d be welcome to join us. We could ask them to add a few more seats to the table.”
 
Isak’s eyes widened in panic, like an animal that had been backed into a corner. Even wished he could wrap an arm around him, but that was probably the last thing he needed right now.
 
“Actually, we were just on our way out,” said Terje, clearing his throat.
 
Thank fuck for that.
 
“Isak,” he continued, “could I speak with you a moment?”
 
“No,” Isak blurted out before he could catch himself, cheeks turning pink once he realised what he’d said out loud.
 
Even jumped in to help him. He stared unblinkingly at Terje in a way that he hoped conveyed confidence. “Our table should be ready any minute.”
 
Terje was knocked back a little, evidently hurt. It was enough to make Even feel bad for the guy.
 
“Okay, well, call me when you are ready to talk,” he said sadly. “I need to know if you’re coming to Camilla’s wedding.”
 
Isak nodded silently. Terje lingered on his son a moment, before nodding to Even’s parents. He cleared his throat again.
 
“It was nice to meet you all.”
 
“You too,” Petter and Lise responded almost simultaneously.
 
He turned to Even last, offering a small nod before taking one last look at Isak. He returned to the woman, placing a hand on her back and leading her out of the restaurant. She seemed just as confused as Even felt. Had all of this actually just happened?
 
Isak was refusing to look at anyone, eyes on the ground and cheeks still flushed pink. It was hard to believe that this was the same boy joking around with his parents and casually leaning back on him moments before.
 
“Well, that table should be ready by now,” Petter broke the silence. “I’ll go see if I can find out what’s going on.”
 
By the time they were seated, conversation had mostly returned to normal. Petter and Lise did their best to dispel the mood, carrying on as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened, and Even didn’t think he’d ever been happier to have them as parents in his entire life. Isak stayed quiet for the rest of the evening, millions of miles away from anything happening around the table. He replied whenever he was spoken to, but his words lacked any of their usual charm or enthusiasm. Something was definitely…off. 
 
A few hours later they piled out onto the street. His boyfriend hung back a little, hands thrust deep in his pockets as he twisted on the spot awkwardly.
 
“Um, if it’s okay with you, I think I might go home tonight,” he announced suddenly.
 
It was unclear if that was meant just for Even to hear, but his parents were in close enough earshot that they stopped giggling together and exchanged concerned looks.
 
“Really? Like, now?” Even tried to keep his tone steady. He took a few steps closer, lowering his voice in case Isak wanted privacy. “Is something wrong?”
 
“No, it’s fine,” his boyfriend returned, corners of his lips quivering in a half-hearted smile. “It’s just…I’ve been at your place for a few days now, and I’m starting to run out of clothes and stuff, so…”
 
It was the worst lie ever. ‘Master Liar’, sure. But it was the subtext that Even needed to take in. Isak needed to be alone.
 
“I could come with you?” he suggested, testing to make sure his assumptions were correct.
 
“No, it’s cool,” Isak deflected. “You should chill at home with your parents for a bit. I’m sure they’d like some time with you without me hanging around.”
 
“I doubt that’s true,” Even smiled gently. “But I understand.”
 
Isak licked his lips, nodded sadly. It almost broke Even’s heart.
 
“Hey guys,” he called out to his parents without breaking their eye-contact, “Isak might go home now.”
 
He knew they had heard Isak before, but Lise and Petter were chatting to one side as though they were oblivious to what was happening right in front of them.
 
“Oh, honey, are you sure?” Lise pressed him once she was invited over. “You know you can stay at our place for as long as you want.”
 
“Thank you, but I really do need to get back. My housemates are doing a huge cleanup of our apartment and they need my help. I really can’t put it off any longer.”
 
“Of course,” his mother pulled Isak into a hug. “Come back soon though, won’t you? Whenever you want.”
 
“Yes, anytime. Even when Even isn’t there,” Petter joked. “We’ll binge watch my whole Seinfeld box set.”
 
“You are not doing a Seinfeld binge without me,” Even feigned annoyance.
 
Isak laughed, genuinely. They’d cheered him up for a second, at least.
 
“Thank you for everything, really,” he said. “Christmas was great, and so were the last few days.”
 
“You’re most welcome,” Lise actually hugged him a second time as she spoke. “Will you be safe getting back by yourself? We can drop you at home if you wanted to walk back with us.”
 
“No, I don’t want to be any trouble. It’s a short walk, anyway.”
 
They spent a few more minutes exchanging goodbyes, before the cold started to become unbearable. Even stood in front of his boyfriend, wondering how to say goodbye to him for the first time in ages without making him feel uncomfortable in public. He really did get it. Of course he did. But this didn’t make it suck any less for him. He was needy, and selfish, and not at all looking forward to falling asleep tonight alone.
 
“I’ll see you soon?” he asked, hoping he didn’t sound too desperate.
 
Isak studied him quietly, before a pair of arms unexpectedly circled around his waist, pulling them together. It was a chaste hug, unlikely anything more than a moment between two close friends or relatives to an outsider, but it felt much more intimate given the courage it would likely have taken Isak to initiate. Even wrapped his arms around Isak’s toned back, savouring his warmth against the freezing night air, the smell of his hair, the pulsing of his heartbeat as they held each other.
 
Before it was gone.
 
“I’ll text you,” Isak said, walking backwards down the street in the direction of his home.
 
Even didn’t let him out of his sight until he had disappeared around a distant corner.
 
***

22:41

Even lay flat on his back in bed and held his phone directly above him, rereading the message he’d sent to Isak the minute he arrived home.

Hey, hope you’re okay. Let me know if you feel like talking.

He wasn’t sure if it had been a good idea. He didn’t want to overstep the mark, but he didn’t want Isak to feel alone, either. He’d learned quickly that his boyfriend was a private person. A seasoned pro when it came to keeping emotions bottled in. However, it was obvious running into his dad had been upsetting for him. Whatever he was working through, Even wanted him to know that he was there and willing to help.
 
What the hell was going on with Isak’s family, anyway? He’d pieced some of it together from the scattered bits and pieces he’d been told. Isak’s dad left his mum. Isak didn’t want to go home. Eskild found him in a bar somewhere, ‘fucking wasted’, and brought him back to the Kollektiv. He’d moved into Noora’s old room and, as far as Even knew, hadn’t been back since. Was this the first time he’d seen his dad since he left home? Did he know that his dad was apparently seeing another woman? A woman he clearly had no intention of introducing Isak to?
 
There was also Isak’s mum. What sort of a person was she? Who was looking after her now? The only thing he knew about her was that she was nuts. Even tried not to wince at the memory of Isak using that word. He’d taken it personally at first and it nearly cost them their relationship. Isak never meant to hurt him. He didn’t care that Even was bipolar. The fact that they were still together, in spite of everything that happened, proved it. The fact that Isak had taken care of him, had shown up for him in his darkest hour in the freezing cold night. Had never made him feel ashamed or humiliated by what he’d done, the way Sonja sometimes had in the past. It gave him hope.
 
Unable to take staring at it any longer, Even stuffed his phone under his pillow, gazing up at the blank ceiling. He hated how the tiny bed felt huge with all the empty space around him. How had he ever slept alone before?
 
***

Thursday, 29 December, 2016

14:33

“I need a tea break,” Petter groaned, cracking his knuckles as he looked up from his laptop. “Who else wants one?”
 
“You just had tea,” Lise answered without stopping typing.
 
“I know, but there’s no way I’m getting through all these foster care reports without getting up every five minutes. Even, do you want one?”
 
“Huh?” Even blinked, taking a second to register what was happening. “Oh, sure. Thanks, Dad.”
 
He’d decided to set up his school things at his parents’ makeshift office, hoping that it might motivate him to get some work done. In reality, he’d just been staring blankly at his half-finished Gatsby essay for the past hour and a half. There was still a mountain of homework and assignments to do, but his anxiety about Isak was eating away at him and making it impossible to focus.
 
“Have you heard from Isak today?” his mum asked just as his dad returned with the tea. He swore she was a mindreader sometimes.
 
“No,” he said, surprised by the worry evident in his own voice. “I texted him, but I haven’t got a reply yet.”
 
It was sort of ironic. He’d been so shit at replying to Isak’s messages for the first few months, and now he was getting a taste of his own medicine. Karmic retribution.
 
“He’s probably just got a lot to think about it,” his dad said. “I wouldn’t stress.”
 
His parents had been mercifully quiet during the walk home last night. Given their profession, there was no doubt they had a lot of opinions on what happened. Even wasn’t sure he wanted to open up that can of worms just yet, but he also really needed to vent.
 
“I knew his parents were separated,” he began slowly, gazing into his tea, “he told me a while back. I just didn’t know that his dad was seeing someone else.”
 
“I don’t think Isak knew either, dear,” Lise said knowingly.
 
She and Petter exchanged their classic insider look.
 
Even sighed. “You guys are doing that thing again.”
 
“What thing?” Petter said incredulously. “There’s no thing.”
 
“That thing where you’re obviously both thinking something, but you don’t want to tell me.”
 
“What? Honey, that’s ridiculous.”
 
“Seriously, you may as well just get it out now.”
 
Lise pretended to be dumbfounded, until Petter rose his eyebrows at her from across the table. Finally, she rolled her eyes and closed the laptop lid.
 
“Honey, do Isak’s parents know that he’s gay?”
 
“I don’t know,” Even thought for a moment. “I don’t think so. I mean, his dad didn’t know who I was, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. They’re not close, so maybe he just didn’t tell him he was seeing somebody?”
 
“Could be,” his dad mused. “Who knows?”
 
“There’s just…little things I’ve noticed,” his mum said cautiously. “The way he acts so nervous and uncertain all the time. You could trump that up to normal teenage stuff, but…I don’t know. There’s something more. Normally, when you meet kids like that, there’s a reason for it. That kind of fear and self-doubt doesn’t just come from nowhere.”
 
Even thought back to when he’d tried to kiss Isak on the street before they went to the hotel. How he’d pulled away with that little laugh and shy smile. How he’d pretended to cough last night when he reached for his hand.
 
“Are you saying Isak’s parents are homophobic?”
 
“We don’t know them,” his father jumped in, expression serious. “We shouldn’t make too many assumptions. But, well, he’s a seventeen-year-old high-schooler who lives in a Kollektiv with a bunch of university students.”
 
Even frowned. “I was wondering when that would come up.”
 
“It just means that either his parents live too far away for him to commute to school from home - which obviously isn’t the case - or something there is very wrong. And we’d all love to think that Norway is a progressive and accepting country, but no matter how far we move forward, there are still bastions of hatred and prejudice here and all over the world. Your mother and I have seen enough LGBTQI teens too scared to go home to not know the sad reality of it.”
 
His father had a point, Even thought with a twinge of agony. He was lucky to have a family that didn’t give a damn who he loved or wanted to sleep with.
 
“I know the world isn’t a perfect place,” he answered. “I mean, you both know I know that.”
 
There was a subtext here that he didn’t need to say out loud. Mikael. His best friend since middle school. The best friend who had pushed him aside like a leaper and left him confused and hurt. Yes, Even may have lucked out with his family, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t experienced his own share of homophobia and the subsequent self-loathing that came with it.
 
His parents were fairly rational people. When he was diagnosed with bipolar, they read every book, took seminars, joined discussion groups online. They understood, of course, that his manic and depressive episodes were nobody’s fault. Even so, he knew they still largely blamed Mikael for his downward spiral last year. Whenever he came up, directly or indirectly, Lise would visibly tense the way she was doing now, the anger and bitterness practically reverberating off her.
 
“There’s a bit more you don’t know,” Even said carefully. “About Isak’s mum.”
 
He’d been avoiding telling them this. He loved his parents, but they could be a little overprotective at times, and he was afraid of painting Isak in a way that would alter their opinions of him. It was going to come out sooner or later, he supposed.
 
Lise and Petter sat in silence, waiting patiently for him to continue.
 
“I think his mum might be mentally ill. He hasn’t talked about it much, but there’s a few things he’s mentioned, and…and it might have something to do with why he left.”
 
Okay, it had a lot to do with why he left. Isak had basically confirmed that. I’m better off without mentally ill people around me.
 
His parents glanced at each other. Then back to him. Trying to work out what to make of this, no doubt.
 
“I see,” his dad said pensively after a short silence.
 
“Don’t judge him for it,” Even hastily added. “He was, like, sixteen when it all happened and these things can be hard when you don’t understand, and-”
 
“Sweetheart, we’re not going to judge him,” his mother interjected. “Isak’s relationship with his mum is no reflection on his relationship with you. We know how much he cares about you, and that’s all that matters to us.”
 
Petter nodded supportively, and Even felt himself smile.
 
“There’s probably a lot of reasons why he didn’t want to live at home anymore,” Petter said. “At the end of the day, it’s entirely Isak’s business. Your mother and I are just concerned. Life is difficult enough without having to worry about your family not loving or supporting you.”
 
Even mulled this over in his head a minute. When he was with Sonja, she had always filled the role of carer and nurturer in their relationship - to the point where it eventually became controlling. The past month or so had been Isak looking after him. He wasn’t used to being the one offering support, he was ashamed to say. There was a good chance he would fail at it.
 
“What can I do for him, then?” he asked. “How can I help?”
 
His mother patted his hand lovingly. “Exactly what you’re doing already. Be there for him, but give him space when he needs it, too. Make sure he always knows there are people in his life who are going to love him no matter what.”
 
Yeah, Even thought as he returned her smile, he could do that.
 
“Thank you,” he told them both. “You’re pretty good parents, you know. Even if you do try and scare my boyfriend away with my embarrassing childhood pictures.”
 
Lise and Petter laughed fondly.
 
“That picture is cute, Even!” his mum teased. “But, honestly, I don’t think we could scare Isak away from you if we tried. That boy is crazy about you. Anyone can tell.”
 
Even blushed. “Well, I guess I’m crazy about him too.”
 
***

18:19

He was sitting on the couch with his mother, watching the evening news (or more watching her yell at the evening news, if he was being honest), when he felt his phone vibrate.

Hey, sorry for the late reply. I just needed some minutes.

The use of the word ‘minutes’ was deliberate. Even beamed.
 
“Isak?” Lise asked, though the look she gave him said she already knew the answer.
 
He nodded absently, about to compose a reply when he saw the little thought bubble appear.

Thank you for being so great.

<3

He stared at the red heart, his real one pounding as he immediately sent one back.

<3

“How is he?”
 
Even kept his eyes on the phone. “He’s fine.”
 
It was all going to be just fine.
 
***

Saturday, December 31, 2016

17:46

Even ran the comb through his hair for the millionth time, studying his reflection in the mirror in Isak’s bedroom. The new dosage of medication he was on was fucking with his hormones and had brought on a breakout. There were a number of little red spots in his forehead and neck. Awesome.  Just the confidence booster he needed before pre-drinks with ‘the boys’ tonight.
 
It wasn’t that he didn’t like Isak’s friends. Far from it, in fact. He’d met them once at school and then again at the Kosegruppa party. Mahdi had a great, dry sense of humour and a cool taste in music. Magnus was full of infectious energy and appeared to have zero filter, which Even found hilarious. And Jonas…
 
Well, that was the problem. Even would never admit it out loud, but the truth was that Jonas intimidated the fuck out of him. Yep, that’s right. A guy who was two years younger than him. A skater dude with big bushy eyebrows who liked to rant about capitalism when he was drunk or high.
 
If Even had any friends left, they wouldn’t let him live it down.
 
Jonas hadn’t done or said anything to make him feel this way. They’d only said about two words to each other directly. The issue was that he knew Jonas was Isak’s best friend. Even was certain if Jonas decided Even wasn’t good enough for Isak, well…
 
He really didn’t want to think about that.
 
Accepting that his appearance was not about to get any better in the next few minutes, Even went to find Isak. His boyfriend was in the kitchen attempting to clean up. He wiped down some freshly washed plates and stacked them away, bobbing his head in time with the music on the radio, lost in his own little world. It was more than adorable…one of those rare moments when Isak was completely himself. All guards down.
 
“This is how you want to spend the last few hours of 2016?” Even smirked, leaning against the entranceway. “Doing dishes?”
 
Isak froze, startled out of his happy bubble. Gave a complete deer-in-the-headlights look. More adorable.
 
“Eskild was getting on my ass about it again,” he said once he’d recovered. “I told him I’d do it yesterday but I totally forgot.”
 
Even couldn’t resist. “Getting on your ass? Not literally, I hope.”
 
Isak must have been getting used to his teasing, because he only rolled his eyes.
 
“If you’ve finished taking forever to do your hair, you could always help.”
 
“Does it look like I give a fuck about my hair?” Even retorted, mimicking what Isak had said to him at the pool months ago. It was a stupid comeback, he realised straight away. Of course it looked like he gave a fuck about his hair.
 
Isak shot him a withering look and handed him a dishcloth. He could only maintain it briefly, before they began to laugh.
 
“What time are your friends getting here?” Even asked, trying to sound casual.
 
His boyfriend checked his phone clock. “Probably not for ages. They’re always late. Like, actually completely hopeless.”
 
Even laughed and nodded, silently relieved. As they dried and stacked dishes, he marvelled at the fact that nearly everything Isak did lately seemed vaguely sexual. No matter how mundane. As he dried a bowl, the toned muscles of his slender arms flexed ever so slightly. When he reached up to put a glass away, the burgundy shirt he was wearing slid up, showcasing the pale skin of his lower back. It was hard to take his eyes off him.
 
Isak must have noticed his staring, because he shot him a very coy smile that went straight to his pants. How much time did they have before the guys turned up, again? Eskild and Linn had already gone off to a college pre-drinks and party, and Noora was with her girl squad somewhere. They had the place to themselves for now. Maybe if they were quick…Isak could just jump up on the counter, and Even could take his pants off, spread those beautiful muscular legs and…
 
No. Terrible idea. If the boys buzzed while they were in the middle of doing it, Isak would be humiliated. He needed a distraction to get his mind out of the gutter. The song changed on the radio, and Even cranked the volume.
 
“Seriously?” Isak deadpanned when Selena Gomez sang the first few lines of ‘Good For You’. “Don’t tell me you like this song too?”
 
“Yeah! Of course,” Even exaggerated, moving his hips to the music. He couldn’t actually give a fuck about the song, but it was too fun teasing Isak like this. “It’s sexy, don’t you think?”
 
“Please stop.”
 
Even sang along to the lyrics - as best he could, anyway. He didn’t know any of the words except the chorus, so he just made up a bunch of garble in the middle. He ground his hips slowly, eventually cornering his boyfriend against the counter, who was having a hard time maintaining his indignation in between fits of giggles.
 
“No!” Isak tried to duck as Even held him captive, an arm on either side.
 
“Wear that dress you like, skin tight, do my hair up real, real nice,” Even sang, accentuating the word ‘hair’.
 
“I don’t know you,” Isak shook his head, grinning. “Who are you? No seriously, you’re weird. Get out of my apartment.”
 
He was inches away from those lovely, cupid-bow lips now. Unable to resist any longer, he leaned right in, their lips brushing together just slightly before he heard a loud cough behind them.
 
Mahdi, Magnus and Jonas were standing across the entranceway, still wearing their coats and beanies, identical smirks plastered to their faces. Even had been so distracted and the music was so loud he hadn’t heard them come in.
 
“Guys!” Isak broke his stupor and wriggled out of Even’s arms. He rushed to turn the radio off. “Um, uh, how did you get in?”
 
“One of your neighbours was heading out so we slipped in behind him,” Jonas explained, a slight tremor in his lips. “The front door was unlocked, so…”
 
Even cringed. How long had they been standing there, exactly?
 
“Nice dance moves, Even!” Magnus blurted out. Mahdi spluttered and then all three of them completely lost their shit.
 
Well, that answered that question, at least. He had no choice but to laugh along with them.
 
“We were just messing around,” Isak defended, trying his best to act cool.
 
“Is that how you won Isak over?” Magnus continued to boom. His voice was constantly several octaves louder than everyone else’s. “With your sweet dancing and singing?”
 
“One of the many ways,” Even shot back. Jonas’ eyes widened and all of the boys let out a collective ‘Ohhhhhh!’, as Isak turned bright red.
 
“He’s full of shit. Don’t listen to him!”
 
“Hey, you guys do you,” Mahdi grinned. He did the ‘bro handshake’ thing with Isak and then Even and Jonas followed shortly after. Magnus went in for a full hug like he always did, almost knocking Even off his feet. It made him so happy every time.
 
The three of them pulled off their coats and set about making themselves at home, like they’d done this a thousand times before. Mahdi plugged his phone into the radio speakers and started choosing music, while Jonas stretched out across two seats at the small table. Magnus opened the fridge.
 
“Holy shit!” he gaped. “How much beer did you get, Even?”
 
Isak had nervously asked him to get their drink orders the day before. Even may have gone a little overboard and stocked up the entire fridge. It may or may not have had something to do with trying to impress them.
 
“Is it too much?” he asked.
 
Magnus laughed, pulling out a six-pack. “Are you kidding? It’s New Year’s Eve! Let’s get fucking loose!”
 
The table was stacked with drinks in seconds, as they gathered around and sat down.
 
“There’s not enough chairs,” Isak complained, when Mahdi whacked Jonas in the shins to get him to free up the seat next to him.
 
“So sit on Even’s lap, jeez,” Magnus rolled his eyes.
 
To Even’s shock, Isak only hesitated a little and then followed his friend’s advice. His boyfriend perched on the edge of his leg, before Even snaked an arm around his waist, drawing him further onto his lap. It was a little awkward at first, until they adjusted so Isak’s back was against the wall, both legs thrown over Even’s thighs and Even’s arms holding his waist. To make things even better, he noticed the small, encouraging smile Jonas gave them as he handed Isak a beer.
 
“You’re wearing that fucking shirt again,” Isak smirked as he took it.
 
Jonas was definitely more dressed up than his friends, who had all gone fairly casual. He was wearing a smart black, collared shirt that could have been appropriate for a formal function or a funeral.
 
“That’s what I said on the way over,” Mahdi added. “Bro, you look like a waiter.”
 
“It’s a nice fucking shirt,” Jonas said slowly and deliberately, as though he was explaining it to toddlers. “What’s the problem? You give me shit every time I wear it.”
 
“It is a nice fucking shirt,” Even offered. He hoped he didn’t sound too desperate to please.
 
Jonas raised his beer at him in gratitude. “Thank you.”
 
“He’s just freaking out because three of his exes are going to this party,” Magnus explained to Even. “And he’s all alone, so-”
 
“No, not true,” Jonas cut him off quickly. “I don’t give a shit about that.”
 
“Wait, what exes?” Isak looked confused. “Eva and Ingrid, I guess, and…?”
 
“Oh fuck,” Magnus clicked his fingers as he tried to remember. “Jonas, what was her name again?”
 
Jonas looked as though he’d rather be anywhere else.
 
“Isabell,” he deadpanned.
 
“Isabell’s going?” Mahdi rose an eyebrow in surprise. “Man, I still can’t believe you got with her. She is fine as fuck.”
 
Magnus turned in his seat to face Even. “Just to fill you in, she’s a ’97 who Jonas dated, but she dumped him over the summer because she thought he was too young for her.”
 
“That’s not too young,” Even smiled, lightly squeezing Isak’s waist. “I’m from ’97.”
 
“Yeah, but you’re a guy. I think it was different because it’s super weird for a girl to have an underage boyfriend.”
 
Mahdi laughed. “Man, you have some seriously weird logic sometimes.”
 
“No, really! Don’t get me wrong. For us it was super impressive, but it probably got super embarrassing for her after she graduated.”
 
“Okay, can we change the subject please?” Jonas laughed, though he looked a little pained. “Maybe we should talk about your love life, Mags.”
 
Isak’s eyes widened and he gave Magnus a cheeky grin. “Yeah, what’s going on there? Are you still talking to Vilde?”
 
Magnus took a long, slow swig of his beer as all eyes turned to him.
 
“We’ve been texting,” he said, leaning back on his chair. “I’ve decided I’m going to ask her out.”
 
Another chorus of ‘Ohhh!’ and and an astonished ‘NO!’ from Jonas broke out across the table. Even felt Isak shift in his lap and instinctively tightened his arm.
 
“Good for you, Magnus!” Even beamed. “When are you going to do it?”
 
Magnus took another drink for dramatic effect and shrugged his shoulders. “Not sure. Tonight, maybe, at the party. She sent me a message before to ask if I was coming.”
 
“So what’s the game plan?” asked Mahdi. “How will you ask her?”
 
“What do you mean?” Magnus looked perplexed. “I’m just going to walk up to her and be, like…hey, girl.”
 
They all waited expectantly as Magnus gave what Even presumed was his best attempt at a smoulder.
 
“And…?” Mahdi prompted after he’d been silent for too long.
 
Magnus’ face crumbled. “Fuck, I don’t know! I’ve never properly asked a girl out before.”
 
It was perfect ribbing material, but none of the boys attempted to make jokes. Isak’s friends understood that there was a time and place for that, Even realised. They really did care about each other a lot underneath all the male bravado.
 
“Just try and have a normal conversation with her first,” Jonas suggested. “Ask her how her week’s been, stuff like that. What do you two usually text about?”
 
“School stuff, russ stuff, our friends. To be honest I mainly send her memes to try and make her laugh.”
 
Even smiled. He could relate to that.
 
“Just talk about the same stuff, then. See where it goes.”
 
“I can’t send her a meme in real life, Jonas.”
 
“She wanted to make sure you were coming to the party. That’s a good sign,” Isak said. “If you really like her, I think you should definitely do it tonight. Take a risk. Life’s too short.”
 
His boyfriend game him the most beautiful look, then, and Even felt as though his heart could melt.
 
“Okay, Even,” Magnus swivelled his his chair so that he was facing him directly, expression serious, “you helped me out last time, and it totally worked. What do you think I should do?”
 
Even considered this answer for a moment, weighing up possible scenarios in his head.
 
“I agree with both Jonas and Isak. You should do it tonight, but not straight away. Talk to her first, spend time with her. Make it obvious she’s the only one you’re interested in,” he paused as the boys hung off his every word. “Then once the countdown starts, take her aside and tell her how you feel. Tell her straight up that you like her and want to be her boyfriend. No gimmicks or anything, just speak from the heart. And then kiss her, right on midnight when the fireworks start going off and everyone’s cheering. After that, you wait for her answer.”
 
They were all gaping at him like he’d just said something very peculiar, and Even wondered if he’d made a mistake. He felt Isak pull back from him a little to study his face, expression perhaps a little awed.
 
“Holy shit,” Magnus exploded after a prolonged silence. “Even, you’re a fucking genius! How do you come up with romantic shit like that?”
 
Even laughed along with the others at this melodramatic reaction.
 
“No, seriously! I’m so doing that. That’s definitely going to work, right? Fuck.”
 
He sounded so excited at the prospect, it was incredibly sweet. Across from them, Jonas had opened another drink, giving Magnus an exaggerated wink.
 
“I guess we’ll find out soon.”
 
***

20:50

The trip to the party was more nerve-racking than Even expected it to be. For some reason when Isak had told him the plans a few days ago, he’d expected something tame. A low-key second year Nissen party in a small apartment, inevitably mostly dudes more concerned with trying to find a hook up than gossiping about him. From the way the boys were talking, though, he was starting to realise he’d been very wrong. The party was at Iben’s house, a third year girl he actually had a few classes with. Most of the second years and the whole of third year had been invited. Which meant that there would likely be a lot of people there he knew. A lot of people he hadn’t seen since he stopped coming to school for two weeks, and rumours began to spread about why.
 
His anxiety must have been obvious, because Isak spent most of the tram ride over watching him with concern. He tried his best to reassure his boyfriend, distracting himself by listening intently to the conversation, nodding and laughing at the appropriate times. He was going to have to face it sooner or later, anyway. In a way, it might be better to get all the awkward stares and rude questions out of the way before he went back to school after the break. Maybe this way, he thought wryly, he could get that ‘fresh start’ his teachers had been talking about.
 
It didn’t help matters that he was sober. He was only allowing himself two drinks tonight. One at the pre-game before he switched to energy drinks, and one he was saving for when he got to the party.  He was being overly cautious, but since his episode, it seemed like a smart decision. Isak, Mahdi, Magnus and Jonas, meanwhile, were definitely tipsy. They were shouting at each other despite being only metres away, and cracking up at every little thing. It was kind of fun to watch them, even if he wasn’t on their level. He loved seeing Isak so happy.
 
When they walked into the overcrowded apartment, it was obvious that Even and Isak were the hot topic of the moment. Every pair of eyes seemed to linger on the two of them as they took off their coats and made their way inside. It wasn’t too surprising. Their relationship had gone from a small pool of rumours to being common knowledge only a few weeks ago, and this was the first time they’d gone out somewhere openly as a couple. Most of the looks were simply curious. People who wanted to say they saw ‘those two gay guys who got together’ on New Year’s Eve. Even knew it was harmless, but the intense scrutiny was making him uncomfortable. He was starting to wish the five of them had just stayed at the apartment, with good music, and plenty of drinks, and Isak sitting on his lap.
 
On top of that, there were the other looks. The ones he remembered from Bakka. The people who knew someone, who knew someone, who saw him running around naked in the middle of the night and getting arrested. The kids with cousins who went to his old school, who had heard how he’d gone mental and wrecked a revue.
 
“I’m going to find Vilde!” Magnus yelled over the cacophony of sound and sweat.
 
“Good luck!” Even called back as he weaved through the crowd, trying not to be upset that he was losing an ally.
 
“This is insane,” he barely heard Mahdi shout to Jonas. “Let’s find somewhere to put our drinks.”
 
Mahdi started heading off in the direction of the kitchen, Jonas nudging Isak to come with them. Even was about to follow when he felt someone tap his shoulder insistently. He turned around to see two girls he vaguely recognised from school standing in front of him. Pretty, popular sorts. He was pretty sure they were in Isak’s year.
 
“Are you going out with Isak Valtersen?” the tall blonde one demanded, arms folded across her chest.
 
She wasn’t fucking around. In a way, he sort of admired her for having the guts to approach and ask directly.
 
“I am,” Even flashed his most charming smile, but it didn’t seem to have much impact. The girl swapped a look with her dark haired friend.
 
“I’m Sara,” the blonde said, clearly anticipating a reaction.
 
Even blinked at her, confused. Was he supposed to know who she was?
 
“I’m Even.”
 
The brunette was taken aback, letting out a bitchy little laugh before Sara’s death glare shut her up.
 
“I’m Isak’s ex,” she explained, eyes widening pointedly.
 
Oh.
 
“Nice to meet you?” It wasn’t nice to meet her, really.
 
Sara ignored him. “When did Isak become gay?”
 
Even sighed. So began the dumb questions.
 
“Sara, I don’t think anyone becomes gay. People just are who they are.”
 
“So is he bi?” she pressed. “Did he ever like girls, or was he just pretending?”
 
This was all about her, not him. Sara was deeply confused, trying to work out if there was something she’d done to turn Isak off women. Clearly, his boyfriend’s gradual acceptance of himself had hurt this girl’s self esteem.
 
“Like I said, Sara, Isak is who he is. These questions aren’t for me to answer on his behalf. I’m sorry but I have to go.”
 
He put a hand on her shoulder and gently pushed her out of the way so he could get past, leaving her and her friend baffled. He did a sweep of the apartment, searching for Isak and his friends, but they had completely disappeared into the throngs of sweaty, drunk teenagers. After a while, he was approached by a small group of guys from his English class, who gratefully didn’t seem intent on treating him like a freak. Far from it, in fact. He didn’t know them very well - he’d been too busy chasing after Isak to accumulate any real friends at Nissen yet - but they were chill.
 
“Hey, bro, good to see you,” one of them, Anders, said, shaking his hand. “Are you coming back to school after the break?”
 
Even smiled. At least these guys had the grace not to bring up any of the gossip surrounding him.
 
“Yeah, I got some of the homework to do before school goes back. That fucking Gatsby essay is killing me, man.”
 
He stayed and chatted with them a while, glad to have found a safe haven. Some time later, he felt the familiar touch of a hand on his back.
 
“Hey!” he grinned brightly as he looked into Isak’s eyes. “I found some English class buddies. Guys, this is Isak.”
 
Isak smiled politely and shook hands with Anders and his crew. Seeming to sense the couple wanted to talk along, they quickly went back to their old conversation, giving Even and Isak some (semi) privacy.
 
“Where did you disappear to?” Isak asked, the smell of beer on his breath. It hadn’t escaped Even’s notice that his boyfriend’s hand was still resting on his back.
 
“I got cornered by your ex girlfriend,” he replied teasingly, leaning into Isak’s side.
 
“What? Really?”
 
Even nodded. “I think she wanted to know if she made you gay.”
 
“Psssch,” Isak rolled his eyes, “I was gay long before I went out with her.”
 
Isak hadn’t said he was gay out loud before, at least not as far as Even knew. Although it was likely because he was a little drunk, it felt monumental.
 
“Hey,” Isak pulled Even towards him so that the words tickled his ear, “do you get the feeling that everyone here is looking at us?”
 
Even glanced across the room in time to see a group of people hastily turn away.
 
“Are you only just figuring that out now?”
 
Isak laughed, like this was the funniest thing he’d ever heard. Even felt fingers curl around his jacket from behind.
 
“Whatever,” his boyfriend swayed a little and smiled brightly. “They’re just jealous because most of them don’t have anyone to kiss at midnight. And we do.”
 
Even rose his eyebrows. “Are you going to kiss me at midnight?”
 
“Well, yeah. They’re going to stare anyway. We may as well give them a show.”
 
Even honestly hadn’t been banking on it. Especially with half the school in attendance. He liked drunk Isak. A lot.
 
***

22:10

He’d lost Isak again, but found Jonas sitting across a windowsill by himself sometime later, looking a lot worse for wear than he had been an hour ago. His dark eyes were slightly glazed over and he didn’t seem to notice Even come up beside him.
 
“Hey, have you seen Isak?” he asked nervously.
 
“Huh?” Jonas answered distractedly, without turning around. “Oh. No.”
 
Even followed the other boy’s train of vision to a spot across the room. Eva was there, pushed up against the wall by an attractive guy he didn’t recognise at all. A hand gripped her thigh and held her leg up, as she wrestled tongues with the stranger.
 
Beside him, Jonas took a swig of…something, out of the silver flask he was holding (Where the hell did he get that, anyway?). Even was at a loss. He didn’t know Jonas well enough to ask how he felt about his ex hooking up with another guy in front of him. From the look on his face, the answer was self-evident, anyway. Isak had hold him Jonas and Eva used to date last year, but he didn’t know any of the details. He wondered what had happened there.
 
“Man, do you want some air?” he offered. Some water was probably a good idea, too. The guy was barely cognitive.
 
Jonas barely registered that he was there, but he turned his head to focus on another target with the same intensity. Not too far away, a tall, slender girl with model-like features was on the makeshift dance floor, grinding on a muscular guy that Even realised was in his year. Must be Isabell.
 
“Wow. That fucking sucks.”
 
He was now officially too sober for this party.
 
Jonas took another, much longer sip. He leaned back so suddenly that his head smacked against the pane behind him. If it hurt, he didn’t show it.
 
“I fucking hate him,” he slurred, flask jerking in the direction of Eva and her guy. Even caught a whiff of it as it floated past his nose. Tequila.
 
“Does he go to Nissen? I don’t think I know him.”
 
“That’s…” Jonas paused. It wasn’t clear whether it was for dramatic effect, or because he was choking back vomit. “…Penetrator Chris.”
 
They watched together as Penetrator Chris and Eva broke apart. The former wiped a little saliva from the corner of his lips, smug as hell.
 
“If it makes you feel any better, Penetrator Chris is the worst name I’ve heard in my entire life.”
 
To Even’s delight, he managed to make Jonas crack up. He laughed so hard some of the tequila spilled out of the flask and onto his jeans, unnoticed.
 
“No, seriously! It’s terrible. I’d never make out with a guy who had Penetrator in his name.”
 
The laughter faded just as quickly as it started. Jonas narrowed his eyes at him, pointing the flask accusingly.
 
“You better not make out with any other guys.”
 
“No!” Even exclaimed, laughing anxiously. “I wouldn’t, I mean, definitely not. It was a joke.”
 
Even though it was meant to be threatening, he had to admit Jonas’ drunken protectiveness was still sort of cute.
 
“Good,” the other boy said, still a little suspicious. “Isak is…” he retched, “my best friend.”
 
“Yeah, I know,” Even glanced at him warily. Did Jonas think he was the type to do that?
 
Jonas turned his attention back to Isabell, whose dance grinding had just gone from PG to M rated.   Magnus wasn’t far off the mark when he’d teased his friend about being alone before. He wished Isak or one of the boys would show up. He wasn’t equipped to handle this without them.
 
“Do you think he goes down on her?” Jonas asked suddenly, gesturing to the muscular guy from Even’s year. He took another sip. “I bet he doesn’t even know how.”
 
“Probably not,” Even humoured him.
 
“Man, 2016 sucks.”
 
Jonas tilted his head and was in the process of pouring a large amount of tequila down his throat, when Even decided enough was enough.
 
“Whoa, okay,” he snatched the flask away. He wanted Jonas to like him, but not enough to watch the guy give himself alcohol poisoning. “No more.”
 
“Hey, I need that!”
 
Jonas slid off the windowsill as Even stuffed the flask inside his jacket. The motion made him stagger backwards.
 
“I’m going to throw up,” he announced, the same way someone might announce they were going to pop out for a smoke.
 
Even’s options were either to open the window behind them and let Jonas vomit straight out of it - which didn’t seem smart, given how intoxicated he was - or find the nearest bathroom as quickly as possible.
 
“Come with me,” he put a hand around the other boy’s shoulders, steering him through the crowd.
 
Surprisingly, he managed to navigate them towards the bathroom quite painlessly. They even bumped into Noora and Sana on the way, so Even asked them to find Isak and the boys and let them know what was going on. He pushed them to the front of the queue, ignoring a few irritated shouts, and cleared out the couple hooking up against the bathroom sink. Jonas stumbled over to the toilet, barely making it there before he started gagging.
 
By the time Isak and Mahdi made it in, the worst of it was over. His boyfriend frowned as he took in the scene, brows furrowed with worry lines.
 
“What happened?”
 
Even was sitting on the bath ledge, holding Jonas’ flask and waiting for him to finish his business. Somehow, he knew he shouldn’t give away the specifics of how he’d found the other boy, even to his closest friends.
 
“He had a bit too much, that’s all.”
 
Jonas rolled back onto the wall next to the toilet seat and groaned. Dark curls were plastered to his clammy forehead, and there was an orange vomit stain on the sleeve of his fancy shirt. Isak and Mahdi crouched on either side of him.
 
“Fuck man,” the latter said, “what was in that flask you had?”
 
“Tequila,” Jonas giggled, eyes closed and facing the ceiling.
 
“Tequila?” Isak raised his eyebrows. “Who the hell gave you tequila?”
 
“Julian Dahl.”
 
“Julian Dahl!?”
 
Jonas started laughing hysterically, patting the bewildered Isak on the shoulder. Mahdi smirked and shook his head.
 
“What are we going to do with him? He’s wasted.”
 
“Where’s Magnus?” Isak asked.
 
Mahdi shrugged. “Still got his tongue down Vilde’s throat, most likely. Don’t bother him, we can handle it.”
 
At least something was going well, Even thought wryly.
 
There was a thumping on the door, before a very irritated Iben burst into the overcrowded bathroom. Even had never seen anyone more exasperated.
 
“Is someone throwing up in here?” she scowled.
 
“Iben!” Jonas happily reached out to her. “Did you know my ex is hooking up with your ex in the other room? We should make out to get back at them!”
 
Iben shot him a look of pure, scathing loathing that seemed to go over Jonas’ drunken head.
 
“He can’t stay here,” she told the others, folding her arms.
 
Even glanced at the time. 22:48. If he left now, there was still a chance he’d make it back before midnight.
 
“I’ll take him home,” he offered. “Isak, he doesn’t live too far from here, right?”
 
The look of complete gratitude he received from his boyfriend would have made up for anything.
 
“I’ll go with you,” Isak said. “We’ll take him back to my place. If we bring him to his parents like this, they’ll freak out.”
 
“I’ll come and help,” Mahdi added.
 
“Are you sure?” Even glanced between them. “I really don’t mind going by myself.”
 
Mahdi nodded firmly. “He’d do the same for us. It’s no drama.”
 
Isak really did have an amazing group of friends.
 
“Well, someone take him home,” Iben interrupted. “I said no vomiting on the Facebook event, and I meant it.”
 
“Iben,” Jonas piped up drunkenly, “are you sure you don’t want to make out?”
 
Iben rose an eyebrow in disdainful disbelief. “Ew.”
 
“Oookay,” Isak grabbed one of Jonas’ arms and thew it over his shoulder. “Time to go.”
 
With Mahdi and Isak guiding Jonas, and Even clearing a path in front of them, they made it out of the apartment fairly easily. The hallway was a breath of fresh air after the smell of sweaty bodies and mixed drinks. They’d barely made it to the end when an attractive blonde girl rushed out of seemingly nowhere, clutching a Midori splice.
 
“Mahdi, where are you going?” she called after them. “You’re supposed to be my midnight kiss!”
 
Even exchanged raised eyebrows with his boyfriend, while Mahdi blushed.
 
“Yeah, sorry, something came up.”
 
The girl coaxed her head to the side, pouting.
 
“Bro,” Isak hissed, eyes darting in her direction. “Go with her. Even and I have this.”
 
“For real?” Mahdi asked, both a little guilty and a little hopeful.
 
“Yeah, we’ll be fine,” Even encouraged him. “Have fun. It’s New Year’s Eve. No point in us all missing out.”
 
“Who’s that?” Jonas asked blearily. “She’s hot.”
 
The girl stuck a green tongue out at them, and Mahdi laughed.
 
“Okay, okay.”
 
He handed Jonas’ other arm to Even and walked over to the blonde. She immediately grabbed his hand, tugging him back towards the party.
 
“Text me when you get home, yeah?” he called to them as he was pulled down the corridor.
 
Isak gave his friend a weird salute thing as he disappeared back inside. Then they were three.
 
***

23:16

“Hey Isak, do you know what’s funny?” Jonas giggled to himself as he was led down the street. “You used to be the third wheel all the time when I was going out with Eva, and now I’m third wheeling with you and your boyfriend!”
 
“Hilarious,” Isak replied dryly, causing Even to let out a breath of laughter.
 
“Is this how you wanted to spend the end of 2016?” his boyfriend smiled over the top of Jonas slumped form, relating Even’s words from earlier. “Walking my drunk friend home just before midnight?”
 
“Better than doing dishes,” Even grinned back at him. “I’m glad you’re here, but I really could have taken him by myself. You didn’t have to miss out on the party.”
 
“I don’t care about the party,” Isak looked down shyly as his cheeks turned pink. “I just want to be with you tonight. And stuff.”
 
There were butterflies in Even’s stomach. Actual butterflies.
 
“I’m definitely the third wheel,” Jonas groaned.
 
Isak rolled his eyes. “There’s a McDonalds over there. Maybe we should stop and get him something to eat. It might sober him up.”
 
“Yeah,” Even agreed. “Good idea. He needs water too.”
 
The McDonalds was packed with people on Jonas’ level of wasted, screaming and laughing at tables and in the long line. The disgruntled workers were thoroughly depressed with their situation, which made it one of the least festive places to be on New Year’s Eve. Isak decided to wait in the queue, while Even took Jonas to one of the nearby tables and sat him down.
 
“You’re a cool guy, Even,” the other boy said after some time had past. He leaned back on the bench with his head resting on the wall, so he could look his companion in the eye. “How do you get your hair to look like that?”
 
The question came from out of nowhere. Even had put a beanie on when they went outside, so barely any of his hair was visible.
 
“One third hair gel, two thirds natural good looks,” he joked. “Okay, maybe two thirds hair gel.”
 
Jonas snorted, slumped forward slightly. “That’s funny.”

It was hard to tell where he stood with his boyfriend’s best friend. One minute he was complimenting him on his hair, the next he was telling him he’d better keep it in his pants. When he was sober, Even contemplated, Jonas was always so cool and collected. Nothing seemed capable of bothering him. Right now, however, it was a different story. Even had seen him down God knows how much liquor over watching his exes with other men. Had heard him make threats when he was worried Isak might get cheated on. A chink in the otherwise impenetrable ‘chill, indie guy’ persona. 
 
“Jonas, you know what you said before? About Isak?”
 
Jonas blinked at him, confused.
 
“I just want you to know,” he said seriously, “that I’d never do anything to hurt him. At least not intentionally. I…” I love him. “…I care about him a lot.”
 
It took a while for the words to register. Then Jonas smiled.
 
“I get it,” he said. “Between you and me…when Isak first told me about you, I sort of thought you were a dick. Sorry. But from the outside, it looked like you were playing him.”
 
Even thought back to the party when Sonja had surprise kissed him, not long after their ‘break’. He was so drunk it took him a few minutes to realise what was happening and push her away. He hadn’t found out until later that Isak was there to see the whole thing. It made him cringe.
 
“That’s fair,” he told Jonas.
 
“I didn’t know about…about the bipolar.”
 
“Bipolar doesn’t excuse being a fuckboy,” Even said. “But, yeah, it did have a lot to do with why I pushed Isak away. I was scared it was going to wreck his life.”
 
Jonas shook his head vehemently. “No. No way. You’re not going to wreck his life.”
 
“No?”
 
“No. The way he is now…he’s actually, like, really fucking happy, man,” Jonas grinned. “He deserves it, after all the shit he went through last year.”
 
Even paused, curiosity getting the better of him.
 
“What kind of shit?”
 
Jonas shrugged. “His dad is sort of a terrible person. And his mum is…”
 
He trailed away awkwardly, shooting Even an apologetic look.
 
“Crazy?” Even finished for him, trying his best not to look hurt.
 
Jonas considered a moment. “She’s not well.”
 
Even nodded quietly. He desperately wanted to know more, but it felt wrong to seek answers if Isak wasn’t ready to give them himself.
 
“I’m glad you think he’s happy,” he said after a while. “I’ll try to keep it that way.”
 
“Cool,” Jonas beamed, then jabbed a finger into his shoulder. “Don’t break his heart. If you do, I’ll kick your ass.”
 
“I won’t,” Even smiled back. “And you probably could.”
 
They were still grinning at each other when Isak emerged from the throngs with a tray of food. He handed Jonas a water and distributed the burgers and fries between the three of them.
 
“What are you two so happy about?”
 
Jonas burst into another fit of giggles, which set Even off as well. Isak glanced between them in confusion before eventually rolling his eyes.
 
“You’re both weird,” he declared, popping a handful of chips in his mouth.
 
***

23:45

It was snowing lightly when they made it back outside, coating the streets in an ethereal white glow. Most people were now safe and warm inside a party, a few stragglers still hurrying down the streets to make it to their venue in time for the fireworks. The city was oddly peaceful like this.
 
“I’m sorry I ruined your New Year,” Jonas mumbled between Even and Isak. The food had helped to sober him up somewhat, but he was still messy and uncoordinated.
 
“You owe me,” Isak said as he gripped Jonas’ arm.
 
“It wasn’t your fault, Jonas,” Even said with a teasing smirk. “It was Julian Dahl and his tequila flask.”
 
The smirk broadened as Isak and Jonas laughed.
 
“No,” Jonas frowned, doubling over, “don’t make me laugh. I need to vomit again.”
 
“Seriously?” Isak and Even said in unison, as Jonas retched.
 
“Jonas, we’re almost there,” Isak pleaded. “You can make it.”
 
They made it a few more metres to the bridge over a frozen lake, where Jonas broke away and ran to the edge. He began puking up the McDonalds in the most undignified way.
 
Isak grimaced, checking his phone. “Five minutes to go.”
 
He sounded disappointed, although maybe Even was just being hopeful.
 
“No midnight kiss, I guess?” he probed to see if he was right.
 
Isak gave him a sad smile, shrugged. “I’ve never had one before.”
 
“Really? Never?”
 
Isak tilted his face towards the sky, a few snowflakes falling onto his pale cheeks. In the pale lamplight, it was practically angelic.
 
“No,” he continued in a small voice, tone bittersweet. “This time last year, I was alone.”
 
“You’re not alone,” he said.
 
His boyfriend beamed. He would commit everything about this moment to memory, he thought. The way Isak looked right now, with snow in the blonde curls escaping from beneath his beanie. Light shining in those grey-green eyes.
 
A particularly violent retch from Jonas broke the mood.
 
“You okay there, buddy?” Isak called out to him. He turned back to Even with an amused look on his face, and winked. “There’s always next year, right?”
 
“I’m dying!” Jonas called out dramatically.
 
“Okay,” Isak sighed, “we’re coming to help.”
 
The fireworks went off with Jonas still hunched over the bridge, Isak and Even on either side and Isak patting his best friend’s back. A few cheers went up from the apartment block across the street. It was less than ideal, Even thought as the cold air stung his face, but it was still right where he wanted to be at the beginning of 2017.
 
He wanted to be wherever Isak was. For as long as Isak would have him.
 
“Aren’t you two going to kiss?” Jonas said weakly. “It’s midnight.”
 
Their eyes met, and Isak gave an embarrassed laugh when Even rose both eyebrows at him suggestively. His boyfriend moved behind Jonas to stand in front of him, the cold air between them slowly dissipating as their bodies drew together. Even tentatively placed a hand on Isak’s waist, showing he wanted him to come closer, but refusing to force it. Grey eyes poured into his until Isak locked their lips together in the sweetest kiss. One of the most romantic things Even had ever experienced in his life.
 
“So long 2016!” he heard Jonas scream over the bridge, hands cuped around his mouth to make the sound echo. Someone from the nearby apartments whooped loudly in response.
 
“Happy New Year,” Isak whispered against his face as they broke apart.
 
Even couldn’t resist kissing him again.
 
“Happy New Year.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Sunday, 1 January, 2017

10:24

Waking up to the first day of the new year wasn’t as bad as Isak thought it would be. Mercifully, he’d stopped drinking before it got too out of control, and taking care of Jonas had forced him to sober up. By the time he arrived home last night, he was more or less fine, or so he’d thought. His head ached a little, and the area behind his eyes felt sore, but he’d definitely been worse.
 
He doubted Jonas was feeling as good this morning. They’d left his best friend passed out on the couch last night, a blanket over him and bucket next to his head in case of emergencies. Isak should have been annoyed, but part of him was enjoying this. Usually, he was the one who got so trashed he needed to be carried home, with Jonas cracking jokes about how he couldn’t handle his liquor. It was a nice role reversal. He would wait until Jonas wasn’t feeling like death (he was a gentleman, after all), but then he was going to give him a world of shit for it.
 
He rolled onto his back, unsurprised to find the rest of his bed empty. Even must have gotten up hours ago. Apart from when he’d been depressed, he always woke up first. Isak’s heart melted a little when he noticed the glass of water and two painkillers left on his bedside table. Somehow, he’d ended up in a relationship with one of the most thoughtful, considerate people in the universe.
 
Swallowing the painkillers, he sat up and yanked his phone off the charger. The group chat had been silent, indicating that his friends were probably all still asleep. Judging by how things went down at the party, Mahdi and Magnus both must have had a good night. Less than a few months ago, he would have felt jealous or pissed off by his friends hooking up or even talking about girls. It was a stark reminder that he was lonely and miserable, unable to act on or discuss his own shameful feelings. Now, he was just happy for them. Wanted them all to have what he and Even did, because it was the best feeling in the world.
 
The only messages he had were three missed calls from his father, one less than an hour ago. He immediately wished he hadn’t seen it, because it made his blood boil. Why couldn’t his father understand that he didn’t want to talk? Had he not made it clear enough that he wanted as little to do with him as possible right now? Whenever he saw those missed calls, he caught a glimpse of Terje Valtersen in his mind’s eye, standing awkwardly in front of him at the restaurant. That woman hiding behind him.
 
No, he did not wish to hear whatever bullshit excuses his father had. He certainly did not want to discuss what had happened at the Christmas concert, or be drilled about Camilla and her stupid wedding. Did not want to have to sit there, yet again, choking back his feelings, while his father gave the ‘you’ll understand when you’re older’ speech he hated so much.
 
Most of all, he didn’t want Even to look at him the way Eva and Jonas sometimes did when his family problems came up. With - he shuddered - pity. Isak imagined his life with Even as a fragile bubble, currently filled with bliss and safety and all the wonderful things he’d scarcely dared to hope for. Each time his father tried to contact him, it was like someone was pushing at the bubble with a needle, forcing it to cave in on itself, the delicate material straining. He knew it couldn’t last forever, but he’d do whatever it took for just one more day, just one more minute, to keep the bubble in tact.
 
Eventually, he pulled himself out of bed, yanking a hoodie on over his head and padding into the kitchen. He could hear Even in there with Noora before he arrived at the entrance. His housemate wasn’t wearing makeup for once, her blonde bangs scraped back off her face and secured with bobby pins. She looked as fresh as if it were a typical school morning and she’d slept a solid eight hours, rather than going to a huge party the night before. She was sitting on the counter, in the midst of telling a convoluted story, as Even stirred the eggs in the frypan and laughed along.
 
“So then Sana told us it was because of her magic hijab, and you should have seen our faces,” Noora giggled. She stopped when she noticed Isak, beaming at him. “Oh hi, Isak!”
 
“Hey!” Even gave his warmest smile, immediately setting the spatula aside and crossing the floor to give Isak a kiss. “How did you sleep?”
 
“You two are way too alert for this time of day,” he grumbled as Even rubbed his back.
 
“We’ve been up for ages,” Noora chirped brightly. “One of the advantages to being on Team Sober. Right, Even?”
 
His boyfriend high-fived her, and Isak was puzzled. Since when did these two have inside jokes?
 
“I’m making omelettes for everyone,” Even explained as he checked on the pan. “They should be ready soon.”
 
“Do you want some tea?” asked Noora. “I just put a pot on.”
 
Too many words at once. Isak’s head was starting to hurt again.
 
“Thanks, but I think I need the strong stuff,” he said, reaching for the coffee. “Is Jonas still here?”
 
Even nodded. “Last I checked, he was still passed out on the couch. It doesn’t look like he used the emergency bucket, though, so that’s a good sign.”
 
“Eskild and Linn are still asleep, too,” Noora told him. “Should I get them all up? I don’t know about Jonas, but the other two will kill me if they miss out on food.”
 
“It’s your call,” Even shrugged. “Didn’t you say Eskild brought a guy back last night?”
 
Noora slid off the counter. “Trust me, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”
 
“Maybe leave Jonas for a while,” Isak suggested. “He had a rough night.”
 
“Yeah, so I heard,” Noora glanced at Even. “Okay, I’ll take your advice with that. I’ll bring the others some tea to soften the blow.”
 
She loaded up a tray with three cups and disappeared, leaving Even and Isak momentarily alone. As soon as she was gone, Isak circled his arms around Even’s waist from behind, head resting against his shoulder. He breathed in his boyfriend’s scent.
 
“Thank you for the painkillers.”
 
He felt, rather than saw, Even’s smile. “I wasn’t sure if you’d need them or not, but I thought better safe than sorry. I left some for Jonas too.”
 
“He’ll appreciate that,” Isak laughed. “I don’t feel too great, but it could have been worse. I’m just tired, mostly.”
 
Even turned to face him, placing his hands on his hips.
 
“I’ll take care of you,” he said gently. “After we eat, we can just take it easy today. Maybe lie in bed and watch a movie.”
 
“Sounds great,” Isak beamed.
 
“And then maybe,” Even continued, a little trepidatious, “when you feel up to it, we can do some other stuff too.”
 
The tone in his voice made Isak’s whole body sit up and take notice.
 
“Yeah? Like what?”
 
“Like this,” Even kissed his lips, “and this,” he sucked on Isak’s neck, making him gasp, “and then,” he lowered his voice to a sultry whisper, “I could fuck your brains out.”
 
The words made Isak moan, grasping for his boyfriend’s neck as he continued to lick and suck the sensitive skin. Taking it slow had evidently gone right out the window, and he was more than okay with it.
 
“Or, you know,” he whispered back, “we could just move that part up.”
 
Even made a small noise of agreement against his neck. When he pulled back, his eyes were laden with desire.
 
“After Jonas leaves?” he suggested.
 
Isak nodded eagerly, taking that beautiful face in his hands and kissing him with everything he had.
 
“Something smells good!” Eskild’s sing-song voice echoed loudly from down the corridor. Isak and Even broke apart hastily before he appeared in front of them, clad in his kimono and clutching his cup of tea. A guy Isak had never seen before stood just behind him.
 
“Just in time,” Even smiled at them. Linn and Noora arrived at the same time, the former clearly not fully awake yet.
 
Eskild gestured to the random person. “This is…err…”
 
“Ismail,” the guy said, giving an awkward wave.
 
“Right!” Eskild clapped his hands together. “Ismail. This is my other housemate, Isak, and his boyfriend, Even.”
 
“Do you want some breakfast, man?” Even asked, already scooping the omelette onto plates. “There’s plenty of food.”
 
Ismail shrugged. “Sure. Why not?”
 
“I’m taking mine back to bed,” Linn declared, hands outstretched and ready to receive her share.
 
“Oh no you are not!” Eskild exclaimed. “It’s the first meal of 2017. You will eat with the rest of the family.”
 
Linn grimaced. “Ismail can fill in for me.”
 
They were still bickering when a very drained looking Jonas stuck his head around the corner. Isak had never seen his best friend more worse for wear.
 
“You’re alive!” he said jokingly.
 
Jonas squinted at him through half-open eyes. “What’s with all the noise?”
 
“Even made breakfast for everyone,” Noora explained, as Even grinned at him. “Are you hungry?”
 
“Huh?” Jonas was baffled. “How did I get here last night?”
 
Eskild patted his shoulder sympathetically. “Just sit down and eat your eggs like a good boy. Everything’s fine.”
 
“I’ll explain later,” Isak told him, as he began to help Even distribute the plates.
 
Since there were seven people and only four seats at the table, they piled onto the couches and around the floor in the living area, resting plates on their laps and on the coffee table. As they swapped stories about last night, and Even shot him suggestive glances when it seemed like no one else was watching, Isak felt himself relax again.
 
The bubble was safe for now.
 
***

16:42

“Fuck!” Jonas shouted as he gripped the Xbox controller, his Call of Duty character ducking for cover from a rouge grenade.
 
Isak sighed when Jonas narrowly avoided certain death. His best friend had hung around after breakfast to watch a movie with everyone in the living room, and thanks to greasy food and a number of painkillers, was starting to look a lot better than he had been that morning. They were currently sitting on the floor of Isak’s bedroom, backs against the bed behind them, engrossed in an intense gaming session. Or at least, one of them was engrossed. So far, Jonas had not picked up on any of Isak’s subtle hints that he might want to go home, finally freeing him and Even up for some much needed alone time. Now that Even was in the shower, he saw his opportunity to perhaps try and be more direct.
 
“Do you think you should head off soon?” he probed. “Your parents probably want to know where you are.”
 
“No, I texted them,” Jonas answered distractedly, eyes still on the screen. “They’re cool with me chilling here for while.”
 
This was not going to work. It had been almost the entire day, and Isak was about to lose his mind with sexual frustration.
 
“Even and I want to save sex,” he blurted out before he could stop himself. It came out much louder than he intended it to. “So…we kind of need you to leave.”
 
Jonas’ eyebrows shot up. Another grenade came hurtling towards his C.O.D. character, but this time he was too stunned to dodge it. The animatronic soldier exploded into a fiery grave.
 
“Oh!”
 
“Yeah.”
 
Once the initial shock wore off, his best friend laughed and clamped his shoulder. “Man, you should have just said so in the first place.”
 
Isak could feel his face growing hot. He was certain he looked like a tomato.
 
“Sorry. It’s just, um, been a while…”
 
“Don’t worry about it,” the other boy said as he cancelled out of the game. “Say no more. I’m out of here.”
 
“Thanks,” Isak replied, a little sheepish. “I’ll walk you out.”
 
Jonas gathered his things and they headed for the front door together.
 
“Just so you know,” his best friend said as he started putting on his shoes, “I like Even. We got to talk last night, and even though I only remember half of it, he’s a good guy. Not that it matters much, but…I thought I should tell you that.”
 
“Actually, it matters a lot,” Isak shot back. And he meant it. “Thanks.”
 
It felt a little awkward. Their friendship hadn’t exactly been built on long, heartfelt talks about feelings. They showed each other how much they cared through action more than words; like when Jonas turned up at his house right after his dad left, and they spent the afternoon sitting silently in his room playing FIFA. Or when Jonas got dumped by Isabell, so Isak took him out for a kebab. This was good, though. The more they opened up to each other, it seemed, the more it felt like their relationship was maturing.
 
Jonas finished putting on his outerwear and stood in the doorway, hands in his pockets as he fixed Isak with a smirk.
 
“So, uh, have fun now.”
 
Isak turned bright red again. “Okay bye!”
 
He slammed the door, and could hear Jonas laughing down the corridor on his way out.
 
Back in his room, Isak hastily made the bed. He lay down on it and took his shirt off. Decided that was weird and put it back on again. Why did he feel so nervous? The anticipation was almost too much.
 
When Even came back from his shower, Isak was lying on his side, flipping through his phone. Trying to act casual. His mouth fell open a little when he realised his boyfriend was wearing nothing but a towel. Either he’d expected Jonas to be gone by now, or he simply wasn’t embarrassed at all.
 
“Jonas went home,” he said innocently, watching Even over his phone.
 
The corners of his boyfriend’s lips turned up slightly. “That’s cool.”
 
++++
 
Isak set the phone aside, face down on the beside table, and slowly crawled up off the bed. Even made no motion, waiting in the middle of the room, towel hanging low on his slender hips. A few drops of water still clung to his pale chest, glistening slightly under the bedroom light. When Isak reached him, he tentatively raised his hands to touch the damp skin, fingers gliding over firm pecs, marvelling as the small droplets of water seemed to dissolve beneath his touch. Blue eyes remained fixated on his face, pink lips parted just an inch. It was hard to read the other boy’s face.

He leaned up, as he always had to do with Even, and brought their lips together. Nothing coy about it this time. He meant business. He felt his hand curl around Even’s neck, threading through the wet hair and pulling their mouths deeper together. Even’s tongue teased him, exploring his mouth as he felt himself getting harder and harder.
 
They pulled apart when Even began tugging at the edges of his shirt, and Isak assisted eagerly, ripping it over his head before Even tossed it God knows where. He saw the door to his bedroom from the corner of his eye, just barely ajar from when Even first came in, and was somehow not desperate enough to have a moment of clarity.
 
“Wait,” he murmured when Even tried to capture his lips again. He unwillingly slipped out of his hold and dragged his desk chair over to the door, pushing it shut and sliding the chair underneath the handle as a makeshift lock.
 
“Just in case,” he explained, as Even grinned.
 
The sensation of their bare skin together was as good as Isak remembered. He loved the way it felt, being pressed against Even’s chest. Nothing he’d experienced with Sara, or Emma, or any other girl, could compare. Suddenly, he was hyperaware of how alive every inch of his body felt. His swollen lips. His hardened nipples. His cock pulsing against his jeans. Even unzipped him, pushed them down over his thighs as they kissed. They fell to the floor and Isak kicked them aside.
 
It wasn’t enough, he realised. He needed more contact. More everything. He began toying with the towel, unfurling it around Even’s waist as if he were actually unwrapping a gift. The thought made him grin. It slipped onto the ground, pooling around Even’s ankles. Isak took a moment to appreciate the naked form in front of him. Exquisite. Those blue eyes were gazing into his own grey ones, once again. Try as he might, Isak would never get used to being stared at like that. Being wanted like that.
 
He dropped to his knees, maintaining their eye contact all the while. A split second of worry flashed across his boyfriend’s face, etching into his forehead, before it was gone. He hesitated just as long, before he felt Even’s fingers lace through his hair, encouraging him forward. He wrapped his hand around the base of Even’s dick, hearing a moan escape his lips before his mouth encircled the tip.
 
He’d only done this a couple of times before, and each time he’d felt too shy to look at anything except Even’s abdomen or the back of his own eyelids. This time, he watched in fascination as Even’s head tilted back, eyes half-lidded and mouth falling open, and was amazed that so much pleasure could be caused by him. The fingers in his hair tightened when Isak took him deeper into his mouth, taking it as far as he could before his gag reflex kicked in. He’d read online somewhere that blow jobs were easier if you clenched your left hand. Or, wait, was it the right one? Now he was overthinking it. He took hold of both of Even’s hips and used them as handles, squeezing. Took him deeper next time. Better.
 
He came off him when he felt the taste of pre-cum in his mouth, and pulled himself to his feet. He didn’t want this to end here. Even’s face was a mixture of satisfaction and starvation. Isak knew that feeling. Wanting the pleasure to reach its climax and never wanting it to end at the same time.
 
“Come here,” he said, taking hold of Even’s wrists. He walked backwards towards the bed, sitting down when he felt the backs of his knees collide with the mattress. He tugged Even on top of him, making them both giggle. Shuffled up towards the pillows.
 
“Do you have…stuff?” his boyfriend asked, somewhat nervously.
 
Isak nodded, leaning over to open the bedroom drawer. There was an unopened box of condoms and some lube stashed at the back. He’d bought them not long after he and Even started seeing each other, along with a mountain of gum, pretzels and candy he’d used to hide them under at the store out of humiliation. It seemed pretty stupid now. He was getting some, why should that be embarrassing?
 
He placed the lube on the table and handed Even a condom. Watched him stare at it, toy with the wrapping. The anxiety he’d glimpsed before was back. Maybe it had been there all along.
 
“What’s wrong?” he asked quietly, hand instinctively running down the other boy’s arm.
 
Even refused to make eyes with him, still studying the wrapper as he appeared to weigh something up in his mind.
 
“What if it’s different?” he finally asked in a small voice.
 
“What do you mean?”
 
Even swallowed. “What if I’m different?”
 
It clicked, then. Isak had assumed this was all due to low sex drive. Hadn’t realised that there could be something else lurking beneath the surface.
 
“Hey,” he said softly. His hand cradled Even’s face, brushing over his cheek. “We’ll take it super slow. Minute by minute, remember?”
 
Even looked at him, gave the tiniest smile. To Isak, he was the most precious thing in the world. The only thing that mattered, right in that moment. If he didn’t tell him just how strongly he felt, the words were going to burst out of him. Even’s lips closed around his mouth before they could, swallowing them up.
 
He heard, more than saw, Even take the lube from the bedside table. Felt slick fingers tease his entrance. The memory of how it had hurt at first, the last time, made him tense. He focused instead on Even’s face above him, kind and warm and reassuring. So outrageously handsome that it seemed unfair to the rest of the world. Felt one of the fingers push inside, and bit down on his own lip. It hurt, just like it had before, but it was good too. Another one followed not long after, and he began to open up. Spread his legs more for better access. Began stroking his own starved cock.
 
“Fuck,” his boyfriend breathed as he watched. “Isak, you are perfect.”
 
The words were like dopamine. His head fell back as he continued to pleasure himself, desperation taking hold. The fingers pulled out of him, and he heard the sound of the condom wrapper opening. There was a pause before a hand gently coaxed his hips upwards, a pillow sliding underneath them.
 
“Ready?” Even asked, hand trailing teasingly down from his bent knee to the inside of his thigh.
 
“Yes!” Isak exclaimed, startled by how needy he sounded.
 
He could feel Even rub himself against his entrance, bit the insides of his cheeks to stop himself from screaming. Felt him push into him inch by inch, the ecstasy at the pain of it overwhelming. It wasn’t long before the pain slowly evaporated. He remembered that from last time, too. How it became easier and easier, the more Even thrust into him and made him forget everything but the here and now. Forget that other people were home and he needed to stay quiet. Even’s hands held his hips as he slid deeper. Faster. Isak moved with him, relishing in the sense of losing all control.
 
His hand was still wrapped around his own dick. He tried stroking it, but it was so hard to keep a rhythm going when Even was slamming into him like that. He was already so close, each thrust edging him closer. He held on for as long as he could, before it all became too much. A noise escaped his lips as he came onto his own stomach and chest. It could have been Even’s name, or a wordless scream, it was impossible to know.
 
Even’s hands gripped his hips tighter, fucking him as he rode his own climax, until he felt his boyfriend’s whole body shudder. That peculiarly unique sensation of finishing that seemed to satisfy something deep within him. He stayed inside of him a moment, and when he pulled out, it felt like he was losing something. He could hear him panting heavily as he leaned over him, kissing him lazily. Droplets of sweat dripped off Even’s skin and onto him.
 
“I missed doing that,” his boyfriend breathed above him.
 
“Me too.”
 
+++++
 
He kissed him quickly once more, before rolling off him and onto the bed beside him. There was no pillow there anymore, the other one currently indisposed, but it didn’t seem to matter. Neither of them wanted to move. They lay in silence until Even took the condom off, wrapping it in some toilet paper before handing the roll to Isak.
 
“So,” Even asked playfully once they’d cleaned themselves up, “was it good for you?”
 
As if the answer wasn’t already obvious. Isak rolled his eyes. “Yes.”
 
Apparently it was what Even needed to hear, as an enormous grin spread across his face. A wisp of hair had tumbled onto his boyfriend’s forehead. He reached over to brush it away. The skin beneath it felt clammy.
 
“You’re going to need another shower now.”
 
Even’s eyebrows went up and down teasingly. “We could take one together?”
 
Isak laughed. “Yeah. I’m not moving for the next hour, at least.”
 
He noticed that the rest of the apartment was booming with music. Someone - most likely Noora - must have turned the radio up to mask the noise coming from his room. For once, it seemed, he was too content to let it bother him.
 
Even propped himself up on an elbow to kiss his cheek. “Do you want me to bring you anything?”
 
Were other people’s boyfriends or girlfriends this sweet? Isak somehow doubted it.
 
“No, I’m fine.”
 
He pulled the pillow out from under him and retrieved the discarded duvet, shielding his naked body from the cold. Even kissed him again before rolling over to the edge of the bed. It took him a while to find his clothes. Post-sex Even was mesmerising in his own way, Isak realised. His whole body actually looked more relaxed.
 
“It’s close to dinner time,” the other boy said as he pulled a pair of sweats over his hips. “How about I shower, then bring you something to eat?”
 
Isak shuffled so he was sitting up in bed. He smiled. “Cheese toasties?”
 
“Done,” Even grinned, then considered a moment before he added, “no cardamom?”
 
“No cardamom,” Isak shook his head firmly, laughing.
 
Even was still smiling as he unhinged the door, eyes locked on Isak until he disappeared into the warmly lit corridor. Isak adjusted the pillows, taking the one that had been underneath him and putting it behind his back, leaving the other for Even. He liked this part after sex, he realised. The delirious rush of endorphins. That perplexing mix of feeling utterly satisfied and utterly spent at the same time. He could sit there in the dimly lit bedroom, watching the snow fall outside, forever if the world would allow it.
 
He picked up the overturned phone he’d discarded before. Another missed call from his father, as well as a missed call and what appeared to be a lengthy text from Jonas. He grimaced. His best friend never actually called, unless it was something extremely urgent.

Hey bro, sorry to bother you, but I thought you should know that your dad has been calling my parents. He’s trying to get in touch with you, and now they won’t stop hounding me about getting you to ring him back. I know it’s a shit situation, but maybe just give him a quick call?

Isak read through the message twice, hand clenching around his phone until his knuckles turned white. How dare his father drag Jonas into it? How dare he humiliate him this way to the entire Vasquez family? He hastily sent back a reply.

Don’t worry, I’ll sort it.

If his father wanted to see him so badly, fine. He’d turn it into the single most uncomfortable meeting in the history of the world. He’d ask his dear old dad how things were going with that whore from work. Find out whether or not they’d been together at the Christmas concert when he’d invited his mum to join them. Great family reunion, by the way. Lea was right to have skipped out on it.

If you want to talk, come to the KB tomorrow near my school. 10am.

He hesitated a moment, then added,

Also, stop calling Jonas’ parents. It’s a public holiday, and you’re bothering people.

The reply bubble appeared on the screen shortly after, and in a burst of frustration, he tossed the phone across the bed. He didn’t want to know what his father had to say just yet. He’d had enough.
 
By the time Even returned, freshly showered (once again) and cheese toasties in hand, Isak was still fuming.
 
“Can you throw me those pants?” he asked, avoiding eye contact. He pointed in the direction of the sweats discarded in the middle of the floor from an earlier, happier time.
 
Even set the plates on the edge of the bed and frowned. “Isak, are you okay?”
 
This was a side of himself he wasn’t ready for his boyfriend to see. Angry, irritable Isak. Hot-headed Isak, who had been known to break shit and start fights and - on one occasion three years ago - fracture his wrist punching a wall. He needed to get out.
 
“Fine. I just need to take a shower. Can I have my pants, please?”
 
He knew he sounded pissed off, but there was next to nothing he could do about it right now. He just needed to be alone to decompress and return to the happy, blissed out person he had been before. He felt a flash of guilt when he saw how confused and pained his boyfriend looked.
 
“Did I do something wrong?” he asked, though he threw Isak the sweats all the same.
 
Isak put them on over the side of the bed, duvet still covering his crotch.
 
“No,” he said at the same time, “it’s not you. It’s just some family bullshit. No big deal.”
 
He left Even standing alone in his room and made his way to the bathroom, which thankfully wasn’t occupied. He stripped off and got under the shower, allowing the warm water to douse his hair and back. He wasn’t going to let this get to him. It did not belong in the bubble with Even. He could separate the two. Tempered, bitter, horrible Isak. And soft, warm, contented Isak, who was happily in love.
 
He came back to find Even sitting shirtless in his bed, picking absently at the plate of food and gazing contemplatively into nothing. He was surprised at how casual he seemed, despite the fact that Isak had more or less stormed out on him for no good reason. How was that possible?
 
“Sorry,” he said sheepishly.
 
Even blinked. Smiled at him.
 
“You don’t owe me an explanation, if you don’t want to give one.”
 
He couldn’t resist smiling back as he climbed into the very inviting bed. Even’s smile was infectious. He’d always been powerless against it.
 
“Although,” he continued apologetically, “you’re food might have gone a bit cold.”
 
Isak laughed. “I can live with that. It was my own stupid fault anyway.”
 
He bit into the lukewarm toastie, chewing in silence for a moment as Even resumed eating beside him. It was astounding that anyone could be this understanding. Even had a way of knowing exactly when to speak, and when to not. A rare skill. He didn’t care what he’d said, he owed him something, at least.
 
“Do you remember that night we went to dinner with your parents? And my dad was there?”
 
Even stopped eating mid-bite and shot him a sidelong glance. “Yeah?”
 
“I have to go and see him tomorrow morning.”
 
His boyfriend lowered his gaze and nodded, processing this.
 
“Do you…” Even deliberated a moment, “…do you think it would help if I came with you?”
 
Isak couldn’t help but stare at him, awestruck. After how terrible and painfully awkward that last encounter was, he was still offering to come.
 
“I don’t have to,” the other boy added hastily. “Just if you would rather not go alone.”
 
Isak had to kiss him, then. A sticky, breadcrumbed, cheese toastie kiss that was laden with feeling all the same.
 
“Thank you,” he answered. “I should probably go by myself, but…thank you.”
 
He distracted himself by moving their empty plates to the bedside table. Then he shifted so that he was pressed into Even’s side, lowering his head onto his boyfriend’s bare chest. A hand draped over his back, fingers tracing a comforting path up and down.
 
“And, just so you know,” he heard Even say, hesitantly, “if you want to talk about it more…”
 
Isak cut him off quickly. “Actually, you know what would help? Not talking about it,” he gave a wry laugh. “Everyone always asks if I want to talk about it. I’d honestly rather just…lie here, and watch a movie with you, until I pass out. That cool?”
 
The arm around him tightened as Even laughed. “That’s cool. We can definitely do that.”
 
It felt a little like the first time he’d brought Even back here, and they’d spent the weekend lying on his bed, smoking weed and talking about parallel universes. Hiding from the world and everything in it that could hurt them. Can I just stay in here with you forever? You can.
 
In this minute, Isak wished that were true.
 
“You should pick the movie,” he said, handing Even his laptop.
 
“Hmmm,” Even considered, “how about…’The Great Gatsby’?”
 
Isak raised his eyebrows. “What is that?”
 
He felt Even sit up behind him, his head sliding off his chest. “What is that? It’s only one of the most powerful stories of all time. And the 2013 version was made by one of my favourite directors.”
 
“Baz Luhrmann,” Isak said without thinking. It wasn’t phrased as a question.
 
Even was incredulous. “How did you know that?”
 
“Lucky guess,” Isak shrugged. He was glad that Even couldn’t see him blushing from their current angle.
 
“Have you seen any of his movies?”
 
“Just one,” Isak mumbled. “Um, ‘Romeo and Juliet’.”
 
He could hear the smile in his boyfriend’s words. “I love that movie. You know, Leonardo DiCaprio was probably my first crush.”
 
Isak spluttered against his chest. “Really?”
 
“Yeah. My mum made me watch ‘Titanic’ with her when I was about eleven, and I remember thinking, ‘that Jack dude is so hot’.”
 
Isak laughed. He’d never seen ‘Titanic’, but he had to admit he’d noticed the same thing in ‘Romeo and Juliet’. It always amazed him when Even made cavalier comments about his sexuality like that. ‘This actor is so hot’. Isak had never been able to say those things out loud before.
 
“So do you approve of my movie choice?” his boyfriend probed. “I have to write an essay on it before school goes back, so you’ll be pleased to know it’s educational.”
 
“Uh huh,” Isak smirked. “You want to see the Leonardo DiCaprio movie because it’s ‘educational’. Sure.”
 
“Are you jealous of Leo?” Even teased, squeezing him against his chest.
 
“No,” Isak replied, indignant. “I was just making a point, obviously.”

Even laughed and kissed his hair, and Isak adjusted to a more comfortable position, his own arm wrapping around his boyfriend’s waist. Even found a streaming site in no time, and it wasn’t long until he was falling asleep to the peculiar blend of Baz Luhrmann, F. Scott Fitzgerald and Jay-Z. And the comfort of his boyfriend’s arms.
 
***

Monday, 2 January, 2017

10:02

Terje Valtersen was always early. Isak could rely on this as much as he could rely on Jonas Noah Vasquez to be late. Once, when he and Jonas were kids, his father had taken them go-karting during the summer vacation, and Jonas’ mum dropped him off twenty minutes after they were supposed to leave. Terje had actually chastised Jonas for it on the drive over, which resulted in an angry phone call from Mrs. Vasquez later that night. And a very embarrassed Isak.
 
That morning, he was as prompt as ever, already seated at a corner table when Isak walked in. His brows were furrowed over his reading glasses as he studied the newspaper sprawled in front of him. Terje had to be one of the few people left in Oslo who actually bought newspapers, rather than downloading them or reading articles online. As Isak approached, he was chewing on his lower lip, lost in some article that was going to make him complain and fret just the right amount later on.
 
“Hi, Dad,” Isak said, pulling out the seat in front of him. He expected the words to sound more hostile, but it was the same as always when he saw either of his parents. In the moment, all the anger seemed to vanish, and he just felt…small.
 
His father hastily folded his paper and set it on the bench next to him. “Isak.”
 
He was about to sit down when Terje unexpectedly stood up, rounded the corner and pulled him into an uncomfortable hug. It was stiff and tense, despite their best attempts to pretend nothing was wrong. His father smelt of tobacco, coffee and aftershave, as well as something else. That distinct, wholly indescribable smell of home. A home that, as far as Isak was concerned, didn’t really exist anymore. For a second, he was afraid his resolve to be assertive and emotionally stoic would fade.
 
Luckily, keeping feelings buried far down was the Valtersen family specialty.
 
“Do you want a coffee? Something to eat?” his father asked, before clearing his throat loudly. He cleared his throat way too much. A little tick of his that always got under Isak’s skin.
 
“Just a latte is fine, thanks.”
 
“They have lots of food,” his father explained, as though Isak had never been to KB before, “sandwiches, cakes, fruit-”
 
“The latte is fine,” Isak cut him off.
 
Terje nodded, cleared his throat again, and made for the front counter with his wallet. Isak expelled a long breath he didn’t know he was holding in as he sat down. It was difficult to keep his thoughts straight. All he could think of was how desperately he wanted to leave. He could do this. He could sit here, listen to whatever bullshit Terje wanted to tell him, and then it would be over. Easy.
 
“I was just reading an interesting article,” he father began talking before he’d even sat down again, “about how the US President-elect is expected to attend an intelligence briefing on Russian hacking allegations. Apparently, Ukraine and Latvia are also claiming large-scale Russian cyber attacks.”
 
Isak nodded numbly. He was sure is father didn’t force him here, on the second day of the new year, to discuss Donald Trump, Ukraine and Latvia.
 
“What do you think about that, Isak?”
 
“I’m…not sure,” he shrugged, fixing his father with a bewildered expression. He was starting to wish Even was here. Even would laugh at the whole ridiculousness of this situation with him and make him feel at ease.
 
Terje gave an exasperated sigh. “You should take more of an interest in world politics, you know. These things effect you too.”
 
Try being a seventeen-year-old gay guy with a bipolar boyfriend and a crazy mum, Isak thought bitterly to himself. Then see how much time you have left over to think about world politics.
 
In reality, he said nothing.
 
“How’s school?” his father asked, once he seemed to realise he wouldn’t get much more out of Isak on the US election scandal.
 
“Fine,” Isak managed a smile, “I’m doing well in biology. I got a six.”
 
Just barely, he added privately, but his father didn’t need to know that.
 
Terje nodded approvingly. “That’s very good, Isak. Very good. Did you top the class?”
 
“No,” Isak laughed, “a girl called Sana did. She’s my lab partner.”
 
His father looked uncertain, though whether this was because Sana was a girl or because her name sounded foreign, he wasn’t sure. Likely it was both.
 
“I did okay in chemistry too,” Isak added, deciding it was best to change the subject, “I got a five.”
 
“Excellent,” his father said as sincerely as he could. He paused a moment, before continuing in the most calm manner, “have you told your mother about your grades yet?”
 
Isak watched his father carefully, seeking some kind of facial twitch or meaningful glance that would let him know what to make of this casual mentioning of an estranged family member. Terje gave nothing away, however, studying his empty coffee cup as he waited for a reply.
 
“No,” Isak finally answered, finding himself somewhat ashamed. “No, I haven’t.”
 
“You should,” he continued in much the same way. “I know she’d be very proud of you.”
 
How about telling her you’re sleeping with a woman half her age? Isak suddenly wanted to shout. Have you told her about that yet? Huh, Dad?
 
“I’ll tell her,” he said through gritted teeth.
 
The coffees arrived at their table, which brought a brief lull to their conversation. They sipped and gazed out of the window.
 
“How’s Lea?” Isak found himself asking after a time. “And Mum?”
 
Terje cleared his throat again. “Lea is doing well. Your mother is…as well as to be expected. I check in with them whenever I can.”
 
“As well as to be expected?” Isak coaxed his head to the side. “What does that mean?”
 
He knew what it meant, of course, but he wanted to hear his father say it out loud.
 
“She’s had a lot of stress lately, what with Christmas and the New Year,” he said. That was his father’s favourite euphemism for it. Stress. “She was quite worried when you left during the Christmas concert. We both were.”
 
Isak swallowed. He had been avoiding his father’s calls, texts, and voicemails consistently since that day. It was all too much to try and explain, especially to someone who appeared to understand so little.
 
“A frie-…no, someone important, needed me.”
 
His father gave him a queer look, coffee held to his lips. “Jonas?”
 
“No, not Jonas,” he replied hastily, “it was…do you remember when you ran into me at that Japanese restaurant?”
 
Terje sipped his espresso, nodded thoughtfully. “Yes, with the friend from your school, and his parents. The tall, skinny boy.”
 
Isak had to laugh at his father’s brusque description of someone he considered so beautiful. “His name is Even.”
 
“Yes, I remember now,” he said slowly. “And, this Even needed your help?”
 
Isak’s mouth suddenly felt dry. He licked his lips, but his tongue was like sandpaper. He’d already come out to his father once, and it went better than expected. Was it really so hard to say it to his face?
 
Yes, he realised as Terje’s confused eyes studied him from across the table. Yes, it was.
 
“Do you remember…when I told you about that…about how I had a boy…a boyfriend?”
 
He couldn’t look at him. It had been so much easier to say over texts and phone calls. This felt much more real.
 
“I thought you said that was over?”
 
“It was, but…” Isak felt himself smile as the memory of them kissing in his bed last night came to mind, “…we fixed things.”
 
He heard Terje clear his throat.
 
“Okay, so…what you are telling me, is that you left the Christmas concert because this Even is, your boyfriend? And he,” another cough, “needed you, for something?”
 
“Sort of,” Isak considered. This seemed easier than telling him the full story. “I mean, yes.”
 
“I see.”
 
He glanced up to see his father, confused and uncomfortable but without a trace of abhorrence evident in his expression.
 
“What do you think about that?” he asked.
 
“Well, I think you should have told us what was happening, rather than just walk out in the middle of the concert.”
 
“No, I know, not that,” Isak shook his head. “I meant, what do you think about Even?”
 
Terje pondered for a moment. “I don’t really know anything about him.”
 
He obviously didn’t understand what Isak was asking. He never understood, Isak thought bitterly. Something in his expression must have shifted, however, because in the next minute, his father’s tone had changed completely.
 
“You know, if you have someone nice in your life, who makes you happy, then I think that’s very nice for you, son.”
 
It was a simple gesture, phrased in the astoundingly ineloquent way that only Terje Valtersen could muster, but it was as about as close as he ever got to being emotional.
 
“I am sorry, about the Christmas concert,” Isak said, suddenly guilty. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”
 
“Thank you, Isak,” his father said with genuine relief. “Just be careful in future. You know how your mother worries.”
 
Isak nodded solemnly. He felt like a little kid again, being reprimanded like this. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. Maybe he’d always feel like that when he was with his father.
 
He could feel Terje studying him a while, but refused to meet his gaze. Finally, he heard a long sigh.
 
“Let’s not talk about this anymore,” his father declared. He’d never been great at changing the subject. “How is life at your flat?”
 
They talked for a while about Isak’s living arrangements, and about the different people who lived at the Kollektiv. Isak had only ever told his father the smallest of details. Noora was another student at Nissen. Eskild and Linn were studying at UiO. Nothing about the circumstances under which he’d come to live there, that terrible night when he finally decided he couldn’t face going home. His father asked if his allowance was enough, and he mentioned that the rent was more affordable, now there were four of them living there.
 
“I thought there were only three of you. Isn’t there only three bedrooms at your flat?” his father asked. “Are this Eskild and Linn a couple?”
 
Isak spluttered. “No! God, no. Um, Noora moved to London last year, and I took her room, but then she came back. She’s sort of been sleeping in the living room, most nights.”
 
He did feel bad about that, even if it wasn’t his fault. They still hadn't discussed a solution, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to be the one to bring it up and risk getting kicked out.
 
“You know, you could always come and live with me,” Terje said. “My new apartment has plenty of space. There’s a bedroom for both you and Lea, if you ever need it.”
 
“I like living at the Kollektiv,” Isak answered defiantly. Honestly, he couldn’t think of anything worse than moving into his father’s new place.
 
“Just keep it in mind, if it becomes too difficult to live out of home.”
 
He considered asking about the woman, the way he’d originally intended to in his anger last night. He couldn’t coax the words out, no matter how hard he tried.
 
“So…you aren’t going back home, then?” he probed instead. “Back to Mum’s house, I mean?”
 
Terje coughed, turning his eyes to the window. There was the faintest hint of sadness lingering on his face.
 
“No, Isak, I don’t think so.”
 
He’d known, perhaps for a long time, that this was certainly true. It was a different thing to hear it said out loud. To have confirmation that his childhood home - one remembered with a lot of regret and shame, but a home all the same - was lost to him. The Christmas concert reunion had been his last hope that things could be mended, but that hope had been futile to begin with. The feelings were too complex to process in that moment. There was a longing, a sense of mourning, but also strangely, a sense of relief. He was no longer in limbo, waiting to see what would happen with his parents. He could accept, now, that there was no going back.
 
He could…couldn’t he?
 
“You know, I should go,” he told his father, pretending to check the time on his phone. “There are a few things I need to do today. I have some schoolwork to finish before the holidays end.”
 
Schoolwork excuses were the surefire way to get his father on side, ordinarily. He began to stand up.
 
“Wait Isak,” Terje interjected. “I still need to know about Camilla’s wedding.”
 
Isak frowned. He kept forgetting about that.
 
“When is it, again?”
 
“February 11th, right before Valentine’s Day. You remember it’s in Tromsø, don’t you? I need to know so we can RSVP and get hotel reservations.”
 
He remembered all of this now, planned over a year ago but completely out of his mind after everything that had happened since. His spoilt cousin’s big day. Isak couldn’t even recall the name of her husband-to-be.
 
“Are Mum and Lea going?” he asked, somewhat unkindly.
 
Terje coughed. “I’ve tried to convince your sister to come, but she hasn’t responded yet. I was hoping that if you agreed to come, it would make up her mind.”
 
Isak highly doubted that. He had to be Lea’s least favourite person in the world, these days. If neither of them showed up, though, there would be questions. He could understand his father’s concern.
 
“And Mum?” he pressed again, though he was already sure of the answer. “Or…anyone else?”
 
Terje shifted awkwardly. “Isak, I don’t think that would be appropriate.”
 
He swallowed, nodded meekly. “Okay, then. I’ll…let you know.”
 
“I need an answer by the end of the week.”
 
“Fine.”
 
Isak left without saying a proper goodbye. In his haste he forgot to put his beanie and gloves back on, but in a way, the cold winter air was almost cleansing. People hurried past him on streets, chatting happily and enjoying the few hours of sunshine they had left. It always surprised him when the world could keep turning like this, when his own world had been shifted on his axis.
 
He knew, he tried to argue with himself. He had seen the woman. Had meant to confront his father about it today, but as usual, he was a coward. No matter how many times he tried, no matter how angry he became, he’d never been able to tell him how he felt. Not when he first walked out on them, after a particularly bad bout of his mother’s stress. Not when he found himself living in Eskild’s basement in secret for months, before Noora moved out. And certainly not now.
 
So what if his father and mother would never get back together. These days, it was outrageously common. Eva’s parents were divorced, for instance. She managed to cope with it fine. He had no right to get upset. To feel as though his insides were being churned around in a blender right now. This wasn’t how men coped with things.
 
He walked until he reached the large park a few blocks from his school, currently awash with people going on jogs or brisk walks around the lake at its centre. He passed a playground, where anxious parents kept a watchful eye on their young children. In their puffy coats, scarves and mittens, the toddlers looked more like little blobs of colour than human beings. He hurried past them, joining the exercisers on their seemingly endless path. If he kept walking, maybe, lapping around and around until his feet hurt, the thoughts in his head would quieten down.
 
He remembered what he’d told Eva over a year ago, when she’d asked about his family situation. Surely, they will find a solution. Truthfully, he wasn’t sure he’d believed that even then, but part of him had always wanted to. There was a struggle between what he knew intellectually, and the hurt he was still carrying inside. What he knew was that this separation had been no one’s fault.
 
What he felt, was that is father should have had the guts to stay, especially when his mother was at her worst.
 
That none of this would have happened if his mother had just been fucking normal in the first place.
 
Not long before Isak left home, his mother started to suspect that her husband was having an affair. She made subtle jabs at first, usually over dinner or after he and Lea had gone to bed, when she thought they weren’t listening in from upstairs. Sometimes, in the afternoons, Isak would catch her in Terje’s office, reading through email after email, or rummaging through desk drawers and scouring his documents and receipts. She discussed it at length with her children or anyone else who would listen, often becoming agitated as she did so; she’d pace the room, speaking so fast her words would slur into each other. Then, she started calling some of his coworkers at all times of the night or day, asking if they would ‘keep an eye on Terje’ for her. A few times, she even asked Isak if he would follow his father and take photos of him, ‘for evidence’.
 
He’d dismissed it a bout of paranoia. Another one of her weird ideas she’d become obsessed for a while, but in time, it would always go away. Then there had been that very public episode at one of his father’s work functions. Shortly after, he’d come home from school one day to find that his mother had completely destroyed Terje’s office. He’d never forget the way it looked. Furniture overturned, papers ripped and strewn all over the room, laptop smashed into tiny pieces. His father was finally getting what he deserved, she’d told him. He’d broken his marriage vows. He’d sinned. Nobody believed her, but she knew. She always knew, and she always found out eventually. Remember that, Isak.
 
Isak had done his best to clean the office up, but every time he tried to throw the mess away or event pick up a book, his mother would reverse it, creating more mess and laughing hysterically all the while, as if she’d invented the best game in the world. When his father came home that night, they’d had the worst shouting match Isak had ever heard. She’d gone too far this time, Terje had said. He couldn’t do this anymore.
 
Then came the sound of the front door slamming shut. The sound of the car pulling out of the driveway.
 
It had been days before the reality sunk in that he was gone.
 
Was his mother right all along? That his father had been seeing the woman from work - the one he went to the Japanese restaurant with - the entire time? Isak couldn’t be sure. Hell, there was a good chance he’d never really know. He could hate his father all he wanted, blame him and his alleged infidelity for everything. But the truth was, it wasn’t everything. In spite of that…in spite of what he had been through in the past few months…there were two simple facts he couldn’t escape.
 
If his mother wasn’t crazy, his father never would have left.
 
If his mother wasn’t crazy, Isak never would have left.
 
On his third lap of the lake, Isak stopped walking and sat on an empty park bench. His warm breath circulated in the cold air as he panted. For the first time since he’d left KB, he thought of the boyfriend waiting for him at home. He knew Even would never be able to read his thoughts, but when he pictured the look of hurt on that beautiful face at the word ‘crazy’, the guilt was almost too much. Even couldn’t ever understand this, he rationalised. Even, with his perfect, loving, supportive family, whose first instinct when they found out about his mental illness was only to love him more. All the more reason why he had keep Even separate from everything horrible and shitty in his life.
 
Leaving any thought of his parents behind on the bench, Isak got up and returned to the bubble.
 
****

12:39

"Hombre, tu español está mejorando,” Isak heard Noora say in flawless Spanish as he entered the apartment.
 
Even’s shy laugh followed. "Gracias, pero necesito practicar más." 
 
Isak found them sitting on opposite sides of the kitchen table, books sprawled out between them and steaming cups of tea next to them. They fixed him with identical grins.
 
“Welcome back!” Noora said brightly.
 
“Hey,” Isak glanced between them in confusion. Seriously, when had the two of them become such good friends, exactly? He’d clearly missed something here.
 
“Noora’s helping me catch up on some Spanish homework,” Even explained. He looked as though he wanted to say more, but cast Noora a sidelong glance instead.
 
“I was just saying that he’s been getting better,” Noora answered, before catching the look on Even’s face. “But maybe that’s enough practice for today?”
 
Even was indicating for Noora to leave, so he could ask him about how coffee with his dad went, Isak realised. Having to recount any of that, even in its most basic form, was the last thing he needed right now.
 
“No, it’s fine,” he said hastily, dropping into the seat beside Even, “you should keep going. I can wait.”
 
Even frowned, lowering his voice. “You sure?”
 
“Yeah,” he nodded, attempting a smile. “I don’t mind listening. Besides, I know Spanish is your weakest subject.”
 
“Not for much longer, hopefully,” his boyfriend laughed. If he was bothered by Isak’s avoidance, he wasn’t about to show it.
 
“Well, okay,” Noora said, somewhat more hesitantly. She waited until Even gave her an encouraging nod, permission to continue with the lesson of sorts. "Bueno, dime que has aprendido hoy."
 
"Pues, hoy practicamos el subjuntivo... pero me parece muy difícil. Puedes ayudarme?"
 
"'Podrías ayudarme.’,” Noora annunciated the correction. “Y por supuesto puedo ayudarte Evenito, y podemos practicarlo. Vale, dame un ejemplo de tu libro de ejercicios."
 
“Evenito?” Isak said quietly, smirking as he nudged his boyfriend’s side.
 
“Sssh,” Even laughed and nudged him back before reading from his textbook. "'Espero que mañana sea soleado.'"
 
Noora beamed as she watched their small exchange. "Bueno, no es tan difícil hombre, eso es fácil. 'Sea' es solamente el subjuntivo de 'ser', y tiene que usar el subjuntivo con un opinión, esperanzo, o deseo."
 
"Claro. Como 'espero que vayas bien'?"
 
"Exactamente. Debes aprender los verbos más comúnamente usados con el subjuntivo. 'Sea', 'vaya', y 'tenga' por ejemplo. Ahora dime, tienes deseos por el futuro?"
 
Even chuckled. "Por supuesto, deseo que en el futuro, español será fácil."
 
His boyfriend was effortlessly charming, even in poorly constructed Spanish, apparently. Noora giggled.
 
"Será fácil, pero primero necesitas usar el subjuntivto con 'deseo'. 'Deseo que español sea fácil."
 
"Deseo que español sea fácil,” Even repeated.
 
"Muy bien!"
 
"Gracias Noorita."
 
“Noorita?” Isak looked between them suspiciously. “Since when do you have nicknames for each other?”
 
He wasn’t jealous, he argued to himself, especially not of Noora. It was just weird.
 
“Isak, it’s common to use nicknames for friends in Spanish,” Noora laughed. “Eva - or should I say Evita - and I do it all the time when we’re studying together.”
 
“I don’t mind,” he added, rolling his eyes to hopefully show how little he cared. “I was just curious.”
 
He felt Even’s hand on his thigh underneath the table. Whether or not it was related to the conversation, it made him relax a little.
 
“That’s probably enough for now, anyway,” Noora collected her tea. “I might go and see what Eskild and Linn are up to. Let me know if you have any more questions, Even. I’m happy to help.”
 
“Thanks, Noora,” Even said earnestly.
 
Once she was gone, Isak put an arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders.
 
“Evenito,” he muttered again, shaking his head.
 
Even spluttered. “You don’t like it at all, do you?”
 
Isak’s only response was to pull Even towards him, kissing him passionately. And perhaps a little possessively too. He knew he was being stupid, of course. It really was nice that Even was hitting it off so well with his housemates and friends.
 
“How was your dad?” his boyfriend asked once they pulled apart, tone far more somber.
 
Isak shrugged. “It was fine. He just wanted to catch up.”
 
“That’s all?” Even seemed unconvinced.
 
“He wants me to go to this family wedding in February.”
 
“And will you?”
 
“Maybe,” Isak said casually, “if it doesn’t clash with school. I’m not sure.”
 
Even nodded, studying him carefully. He knew the other boy was only concerned, but he felt as though he was being scrutinised.
 
“What do you want to do tonight?” he changed the subject, lifting a hand to run through golden hair.
 
Even considered for a moment. “I want to watch ‘The Great Gatsby’.”
 
Isak had been hoping for a slightly sexier answer, truth be told. “We watched that last night!”
 
“Yeah, but you fell asleep in the first fifteen minutes,” Even teased. “You missed the whole thing!”
 
“I was tried. You wore me out.”
 
“Ah, so that was the problem,” Even pretended to ponder this. He took Isak’s hand out of his hair and kissed it. “Okay, then. No more sex until you finish it.”
 
“Seriously?!” Isak gaped at him.
 
Even laughed. “Dead seriously. It’s one of my favourite movies. I want you to finish watching it with me.”
 
Isak sighed. If there was one thing his boyfriend cared about more than sex, he was realising, it was good film.
 
“Whatever, Evenito.”
 
Even’s expression changed suddenly to one that Isak couldn’t quite decipher. Strangely serious given the lighthearted conversation, but not in a way that made him nervous. As if Even was regarding him as the most important thing in the world.
 
He leaned in close, speaking in a sultry whisper. ”Quiero decirte cómo me siento, pero tengo miedo.”
 
“What does that mean?” he murmured against Even’s lips.
 
Even whispered into his ear, breath tickling him ever so slightly. “It’s a secret.”
 
Isak giggled. “I’ll just ask Noora to translate for me later.”
 
“I wouldn’t do that to poor Noora if I were you. You’ll make her blush.”
 
“Is it something dirty?” Isak raised an eyebrow as his interest perked up.
 
“It’s…” Even raised his eyebrows, “…intimate.”
 
Okay, Isak thought, something about this was starting to turn him on a lot. Maybe he should encourage the Spanish lessons a bit more.
 
“Do you know anything else intimate in Spanish?” he asked innocently.
 
Even kissed him again, the tip of his tongue teasing the space between his lips.
 
“Come to the bedroom and I’ll show you.”
 
Isak didn’t need to be told twice.
 
****

Tuesday 3 January, 2017

13:12

“So Vilde and I have done it four times now,” Magnus told his friends proudly as they made their way to their seats at the cinema. “Once after the Kosegruppa party, twice on New Year’s Eve, and once on New Year’s Day.”
 
“Congratulations,” said Mahdi, “you’ve now had sex a grand total of four times.”
 
Magnus shot him a withering look, while Jonas and Isak laughed.
 
“We did it in Iben’s bathroom, then at my place after the party,” Magnus continued once they’d sat down, pausing a moment to consider. “Actually, we went home after midnight, so technically it was twice on New Year’s Day. But seriously, whatever, I have a girlfriend!”
 
His friend’s happiness was contagious. Isak exchanged grins with Jonas and Mahdi.
 
“You know, there’s a lot more to having a girlfriend than just doing it, Mags,” Jonas said, reaching over into Isak’s lap to snatch a handful of popcorn. “Relationships are hard work.”
 
“Obviously,” Magnus gave an exaggerated huff. “That’s why we’re all going to Eva’s cabin for the rest of the Christmas break.”
 
“Wait, what?” Isak glanced between his friends, bewildered.
 
“Yeah, I don’t know when this was decided,” Mahdi said skeptically.
 
“Or how it relates to your relationship with Vilde,” Jonas added.
 
Magnus sighed. “Okay, so Vilde and her friends made plans to go up there weeks ago-”
 
He was interrupted as an elderly couple turned around in the seats in front of them, shushing them simultaneously. Magnus gave them an apologetic smile.
 
“-and she asked me today if I wanted to come,” he continued in a much softer voice.
 
“Still not getting it,” Jonas answered, as Isak and Mahdi nodded in agreement.
 
“Well, I can’t go there by myself, can I? It would be weird. So you guys have to come along.”
 
“Magnus, she’s your girlfriend,” Isak pointed out. “If she invited you, she probably just meant for you to come. You shouldn’t show up there with all your friends.”
 
“But if you don’t come, I’ll be the only guy in that cabin for the whole three days, and that’ll be awkward as shit,” Magnus whined. “Vilde already asked her friends and they said it was fine. Besides-”
 
The couple in front turned around and shushed them again, a little more aggressively this time.
 
“Sorry,” Magnus mumbled, before turning back to his friends. “Besides, it’s not like any of you have plans for the rest of the week.”
 
Isak turned to Jonas and Mahdi, who both shrugged. He was right. It wasn’t like they were drowning in social invitations.
 
“I still don’t really know,” Jonas mused hesitantly.
 
“Yeah, I’ll need to check with Even first,” Isak agreed. He didn’t really like the thought of spending their last few precious school-free days apart.
 
“Dude, no! Even has to come too,” Magnus exclaimed, kicking the seat in front of him in his enthusiasm. “He’s my wingman. All his advice works. I need him there in case I run into trouble!”
 
“Mags, you can’t just bring Isak’s boyfriend along on all your dates with Vilde,” Jonas argued. When he noticed the elderly couple glaring at them, he scowled back. “What? It’s just the trailers, man. Chill out.”
 
“I don’t think Even can come,” Isak said quietly as the couple turned back to the screen, muttering to each other. “He’s got to catch up on all his school stuff. He didn’t come to the movies with us today so he could finish an essay.”
 
“He can bring the school stuff with him,” Magnus said brightly. “Look, man, it’s not just because he’s a great wingman. I know if he doesn’t come, you’re just going to mope around the whole time and complain and I really want this trip to be fun.”
 
Jonas cracked up. “It’s true, bro. You’re going to get so whiny if he isn’t there.”
 
“I don’t get whiny,” Isak said, indignant.
 
“Yeah, you will,” said Mahdi, laughing too. “He’s so far gone, it isn’t funny.”
 
“So far gone,” Magnus added teasingly.
 
“Shut up!”
 
The man in the seat in front of them stood up suddenly, grunting in frustration.
 
“Teenagers!” he shouted, picking up his drink and storming off. His wife followed not too far behind, shooting daggers at them.
 
“You heard the man,” Isak said mock-seriously as his friends cracked up. “Shut up and watch the movie.”
 
As the opening titles for ‘Rouge One’ appeared on the screen, he pulled out his phone and sent a quick message to Even, hiding the bright light under his jacket.

Magnus wants all of us to go to Eva’s cabin for the rest of the week. I told him he’s insane and we probably won’t go.

The reply came back almost instantaneously.

Why not? It sounds like fun : ) I can bring my schoolwork with me.

Isak was somewhat surprised. He hadn’t expected Even to be so keen on spending three whole days with his group of friends, without any interruptions. He supposed Even was really quite a social person by nature.

Are you sure? I can say no.

No, I think it will be good to get out of Oslo for a few days. I just spoke to my parents and they’re on board with it.

His phone buzzed again a few minutes later.

Is Jonas going?

Isak frowned at the screen in confusion.

Yeah, why?

He stared at the thought bubble on his screen until a message finally came through.

I think you should ask him if he’s okay with it. Going to Eva’s cabin, I mean. He might want to talk to someone about it.

Where had this come from? As far as Isak knew, Jonas and Eva appeared to be on perfectly good terms now. They’d both said as much to him, at different times. He couldn’t see why there would be an issue, unless there was something he didn’t know.
 
Any particular reason? he wrote back.

Just a hunch. I think he’d appreciate it. It’s up to you though. You know him better than I do.

<3

Isak sighed, sending a heart back in response before he locked his phone screen. He settled back and tried to watch the movie, but Even’s text had gotten to him. After the movie ended and they bid farewell to Mahdi and Magnus, he waited around with his best friend, who was expecting a lift from his mother.
 
“Want a lift home?” Jonas asked distractedly as he stared at his phone. “My mum won’t mind.”
 
“No, it’s fine,” he replied, before realising that didn’t give him much reason to be loitering like this.
 
Jonas put the phone away, brows furrowed together as he regarded him. “Did you talk to your dad?”
 
He must’ve taken this as a sign that Isak wanted to talk about his family problems. Isak felt his cheeks turn pink.
 
“Yeah, don’t worry about that. I sorted it out, so your parents shouldn’t get any more phone calls,” he lowered his eyes sheepishly. “Sorry.”
 
“Don’t worry about it,” said Jonas. “But, um, was everything…good?”
 
“Yeah, no stress,” Isak answered, hoping Jonas would understand. He did, of course. He always did.
 
“Okay,” his best friend nodded slowly, “that’s good news.”
 
They stood in silence for a while, waiting in the shopping mall entranceway for Jonas’ mum’s car to appear. Jonas had been doing this more and more lately, Isak mused. Checking in with him to see if things were okay, even though it clearly made him uncomfortable. If Even had a hunch that something was amiss with his best friend, he owed it to him to try the same.
 
“I have something to ask you.”
 
“If it’s ‘will you marry me?’, I expect a better proposal location than a parking lot.”
 
“Seriously,” Isak sighed. “I just wanted to check…if you’re comfortable with going to Eva’s cabin for three days.”
 
Jonas appeared taken aback, but also strangely touched. “Really?”
 
It wasn’t the reaction Isak was anticipating. Perhaps Even’s hunch had been right.
 
“Yeah. I know there are a lot of memories associated with that place, for you and her. And Magnus and Mahdi don’t know much about any of that, so they probably didn’t think of it.”
 
Jonas shuffled on the spot. “To be honest, it’s not my favourite idea.”
 
Was that breakup still effecting him this much? The notion stung a little. Regardless of what Eva said about it not being his fault, he’d been complicit in ensuring the end of their relationship. Isak couldn’t believe he was only realising this now. Had he been blind? Too wrapped up in his own problems to notice?
 
“Do you want to miss it? I can tell the guys you have a family thing. Always works for me.”
 
“No it doesn’t,” Jonas grinned as Isak laughed. “Actually, the more I think about it, the more I think it will be okay. That stuff with Eva was over a year ago, and we’ve both come a long way since then. No matter what happens, I’ll always want to be her friend, at the very least. And in a way, maybe going back there will be…I don’t know…healing?”
 
Jonas rubbed the back of his head shyly, and chuckled. “That doesn’t make much sense, does it?”
 
“No, that makes perfect sense,” Isak assured them. He briefly thought about his mother, and the house he grew up in. Could the same thing apply to him?
 
“It just sucks that she’s been hooking up with Chris Schistad lately,” his best friend said, somewhat aggressively. “I mean, are there no other single guys in Oslo?”
 
Isak considered this carefully. “I guess she’s always been attracted to him. Maybe she still needs to figure out what that is, see where it goes. I don’t know, that’s probably not what you wanted to hear.”
 
“Not really, but you’re right,” Jonas gave a sad smile. “And if I want to be her friend - be in her life - I need to respect that.”
 
“Exactly,” Isak smiled back. “In the meantime, there are plenty of single girls in Oslo, you know. I know how it can feel sometimes, but you won’t be alone forever.”
 
“Yeah,” Jonas gave a strange little laugh, “yeah, you’re right. Um, thanks. I wasn’t…wasn’t really expecting you to ask anything like this.”
 
“You have Even to thank, to be honest,” admitted Isak. “When I told him the cabin trip, he suggested I should talk to you about it. He said he had a hunch.”
 
His best friend beamed at that. “I told you I like Even, right?”
 
“You did,” Isak laughed, blushing a little. “I like Even too.”
 
Jonas’ eyes widened as he smirked.
 
“What?” Isak said self-consciously.
 
“You are so far gone for him.”
 
“Shut up!”
 
“No really,” Jonas laughed, “it’s written all over your face. It’s sort of cute.”
 
“Seriously, don’t say shit like that. It’s embarrassing!”
 
Mrs. Vasquez’s black sedan pulled over to the curb just outside. She honked the horn loudly.
 
“Come on,” Jonas nudged him, “we’ll give you a lift.”
 
“Are you sure she’s not mad about the texts?”
 
“Bro, that wasn’t your fault. Besides, my mum could never be mad at you, you know that.”
 
Realising he wouldn’t take no for an answer, Isak followed his best friend over to the car.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Tuesday, 3 January 2017
 
19:38
 
Even was packing his bag when the phone rang, but decided to ignore it after a quick glance told him it was an unknown number. He’d adopted a policy of not picking up calls he didn’t recognise, ever since a few nosy students had tried calling him after his Bakka episode to ask if he really went crazy and tried to kill himself. He was surprised, however, when a text message followed.
 
HEY bro, it’s Magnus. Isak gave me your number. Pick up your phone!! : ) : )
 
He had to laugh. Magnus texted the same way he spoke in everyday life: all unnecessary caps lock and emojis. When the phone rang shortly after, he answered it almost immediately.
 
“Hey, Magnus.”
 
“Even, how’s it going, man?” Magnus sounded even more chipper than usual, if that was possible. “Thanks for your advice on New Year’s Eve. Totally worked, by the way. I did what you said and Vilde was so impressed.”
 
“Yeah, I heard you two are going out now,” Even said as he continued throwing clothes into his bag. “Congrats! I don’t think I did much, though.”
 
“No way. I wouldn’t have thought of romantic shit like that myself,” Magnus laughed. “So listen, you’re coming tomorrow, right?”
 
He had that tone of voice that suggested he was going to ask for a favour. Even had been anticipating this. He didn’t mind buying them all beer, truthfully. It wasn’t exactly hard, and it was an easy way to get his boyfriend’s friends to like him.
 
“Yeah, I’m just packing a bag now, then I’m heading over to Isak’s,” he explained. “Want me to pick up the beer on the way?”
 
“Actually, Isak already got Eskild to organise that for us. I think he feels bad for asking you all the time,” said Magnus, somewhat jokingly. “But there was something else I wanted to ask. You can drive, yeah?”
 
Even felt himself tense. “Uh huh.”
 
He could, in theory. He had a licence, but the psychiatrist had changed his medication around after his recent episode, and he hadn’t been given the okay to drive just yet. He hadn’t paid much attention to this when it was explained to him, since he hardly ever drove anyway.
 
“Okay, cool, so Mahdi’s older brother has a car, but he’s studying in London at the moment, and it’s just sitting in the driveway. So the two of us were thinking it would be great if you could use it to drive us up to the cabin? What do you think?”
 
“Uh…” he searched around the room, looking for a means of escape. “I can drive a car, but…not right now.”
 
There was a few seconds of silence on the phone, before Magnus stunned him with the last thing he’d ever thought he would hear.
 
“Wait, did the psychiatrist put you on new medication recently?”
 
Virtually the whole school knew he was bipolar now, but he didn’t expect any of them to know too much about it, or how it was medicated. He especially didn’t expect it from Magnus, of all people. He dropped onto the couch, phone still held to his ear.
 
“What?”
 
“Sorry bro, I didn’t think of that until just now,” Magnus said, sounding like he was cringing through the phone. “Makes sense why you weren’t drinking on New Year’s Eve, too. Fuck, I’m an idiot.”
 
What was happening right now, exactly?
 
“Um, Magnus…?”
 
He left the question hanging in the air, but the other boy still answered it promptly.
 
“Didn’t Isak tell you? My mum has bipolar, too.”
 
He said it as calmly as someone might talk about the weather.
 
“The same thing happened to her the last time they changed her medication around,” he continued. “She used to tell me all about the symptoms she was having. It sounded fucking terrible, if you ask me. How are you holding up?”
 
Even was still processing this - apparently fairly mundane - piece of information. After his suicide attempt, he’d spent a period of time in a care facility, where he’d met people suffering from a range of mental illnesses, including bipolar disorder. He knew first hand he wasn’t the only one in the world, that it was more common than most people realised. However, he’d never really discussed things like this with another person - outside of his own family - who had such a personal understanding of what it meant to live with it. For the first person to be one of Isak’s closest friends seemed almost unbelievable.
 
“Actually, it’s been fucking shit,” he found himself saying with a wry laugh. “At first I just felt tired and nauseous all the time. It’s starting to level out now, though, so I think the worst is over.”
 
It felt so liberating to talk openly about this with someone who could understand, and wasn’t a doctor of some description. He’d avoided talking to his parents or Isak much about some of the side-effects he’d been experiencing, for fear of worrying them. He didn’t need to worry about upsetting Magnus.
 
“Yeah, my mum gets that too, sometimes, with her meds,” Magnus told him. “She also says it feels a bit like someone’s put a wall up between her and her emotions. She knows that they’re there, but she can’t really feel them, you know?”
 
Even found himself nodding into the phone. “Trust me, I know.”
 
“I imagine that would get frustrating. Like, you know it’s necessary, but that doesn’t make it any less shit.”
 
“You do get used to it after a while. But yeah…yeah, it’s fucking shit man.”
 
He laughed it off, and heard Magnus laughing along with him.
 
“How’s your mum doing?” Even asked.
 
“Good, man! She’s stable more often than not. She’s actually a cellist in the Oslo Philharmonic. Second chair. Happily married to my dad. Her life is pretty chill.”
 
“Wow, impressive,” Even said earnestly. He loved hearing stories like these, about people like him who had found success and happiness in their lives. “She sounds cool.”
 
“She’s the best. You should meet her sometime,” the other boy replied. “I am really sorry about the car thing, by the way. It should have been obvious, but you know how it is. Sometimes I just get excited.”
 
They laughed together again.
 
“Don’t worry about it. Honestly, it’s nice to talk to someone about this stuff. I’m glad you called.”
 
“Seriously, anytime,” the other boy said brightly. “I’ll see you on the bus tomorrow. Make sure Isak doesn’t oversleep and make us miss it. He’s done that before, little shit.”
 
Even chuckled. “I’ll make sure. Bye, Magnus.”
 
“Later.”
 
He hung up and sat still for a moment, shaking his head at the absurdity of it all. The universe worked in mysterious ways sometimes. Slowly, he finished packing and threw the sports bag stuffed with clothes and books over his shoulder, double checking he had everything before he left his room.
 
“I’m going now!” he called out to his parents as he reached the living room.
 
Lise and Petter were sitting together on the couch, arms around each other and glasses of red wine in hand. They were about finished with the bottle, which generally meant there was only another half hour or so before the Oasis albums came on. He was leaving at a good time.
 
“Oh, honey!” his mother turned to face him, wide-eyed. “Do you have everything?”
 
“Yes, Lise.”
 
“Including your Spanish textbook?”
 
Even rolled his eyes. “Sí.”
 
“What about your meds?”
 
“You can come look through my bag if you don’t trust me.”
 
She gave an apologetic sigh. “Sorry, sweetheart, just making sure.”
 
“When are you coming back again, Ev?” his father asked.
 
“Friday night, probably.”
 
“Mmm-hmm,” Petter glanced at his wife. “Don’t suppose you know what time?”
 
“No, not exactly,” Even narrowed his eyes at them suspiciously, “why?”
 
Lise giggled. “Your father and I were planning some special romantic time while you’re away, so we just want to make sure we know when you’re getting back, so-”
 
“Oh my god,” Even cut her off abruptly, “I don’t need to know more. Gross.”
 
“What are you talking about?” she said. “It’s our holiday too, you know.”
 
“Sex is a natural part of life, Even,” his father added.
 
“Ew!” he shuddered. “Okay, bye, weirdos.”
 
“Bye, baby! Say hi to Isak for us!” his mother called after him as he made for the door. “And do text us when you’re on the way back, won’t you?”
 
Even hurried out of the apartment building, trying not to think about what he’d just heard. It was nice that his parents were still so into each other, but there was such a thing as too much openness. At least it finally made sense why they were so eager for him to go on this trip, despite still having homework left to do.
 
Since his bag was so heavy, he opted to take the short tram ride over to the Kollektiv, rather than walk or cycle like he normally did. When he rang the buzzer, it was Linn who let him in.
 
“Isak’s still packing,” she explained as she held the apartment door open for him. “He sure stresses out a lot, for someone who claims they aren’t stressed.”
 
Even kind of loved how dry she was. She reminded him a bit of that Daria character, in the cartoons his parents watched when they were feeling nostalgic.
 
“Thanks for letting me in, Linn.”
 
She began walking back towards her room, before she paused and turned to face him. “Are you going make food for us in the morning again?”
 
“I don’t think there’ll be enough time,” he said apologetically, “we’re leaving pretty early.”
 
She graced him with a sullen look. “Oh.”
 
Without another word, she shuffled off down the corridor, leaving Even to go and find Isak. He found his boyfriend in his room, staring at the meagre contents of his sports bag with a grimace on his face.
 
“Hey,” he greeted him as he dropped his bag on the floor. He pulled Isak into a one-armed hug and kissed him quickly. “Linn says you’re a bit stressed…well, she said it in a roundabout way, but I got the gist.”
 
Isak laughed. “I’m not stressed. I just don’t have many clothes to pack. One third are at your place, and one third are at Jonas’. The rest are dirty, so that leaves me with…this.”
 
In his bag were a few pairs of underwear, a snapback, a single t-shirt, his soccer uniform and a pair of stained sweatpants. Even could relate. He was beginning to lose track of what was currently at his place, and what was currently at Isak’s.
 
“It’s almost like being homeless again,” his boyfriend said ponderously.
 
Wait, what? Homeless again? Even frowned, but bit back the questions that were burning in his throat. He was trying not to push Isak into opening up, wanting to respect his privacy. But it was getting harder to ignore things like this.
 
“Anyway,” Isak shrugged it off hastily, “it doesn’t matter. I’ll make this work.”
 
He wrapped both arms around Isak’s waist, ending up in a sort of side-hug. Trying to find the line between comforting him, and but not coddling him.
 
“You can borrow my clothes. Some of what I packed is probably yours anyway.”
 
“Okay,” Isak smiled gratefully and pecked him on the lips. “Thanks.”
 
He helped Isak finalise his packing, searching the room for anything else wearable that he could take with him. He found a jockstrap under the bed that looked like it hadn’t been washed in months, and teased Isak by waving it in his face. His boyfriend snatched it off him, turning bright red, then threw a pair of sweaty socks at him in revenge. They ended up in a clothes fight, throwing dirty laundry at each other in an effort to gross the other one out. Isak ended it when he knocked Even to the bed, tickling his ribcage until he cried out for mercy.
 
“I didn’t realise you were so ticklish,” he teased, gliding his fingers down Even’s sides and making his toes curl.
 
“Ah, I’m not,” he giggled, twisting around on the bed, “stop! I’ll get - hehehe - I’ll get you back!”
 
Isak laughed. “No you won’t! I don’t get ticklish.”
 
“What? There’s no way I believe that.”
 
“Try me,” Isak lay flat on his back, arms above his head. His expression was so earnest. It was too cute.
 
Even tried tickling his stomach and ribs, but it didn’t appear to do anything at first.
 
“Huh? How is that possible?”
 
“See?” his boyfriend said smugly, “I told you!”
 
After a while, he could see Isak biting the insides of his cheeks, eyes wide as he tried not to laugh. He tried a different tactic, tickling his arms until Isak finally spluttered, curling his body upwards so he could wrap his hands around Even’s neck and pull him on top of him.
 
“I knew it!” Even said triumphantly, squashed against Isak’s chest. “Everyone is ticklish.”
 
“I’m not as bad as you, though,” Isak replied, fingers threading through the back of Even’s hair.
 
Even kissed him, aiming for his cheek but getting his jaw instead. “Okay, you win, then.”
 
Isak smiled. “I win.”
 
Even nuzzled the crock of his boyfriend’s neck, relishing in how warm and wonderful it felt to be held like this.
 
“Hey,” Isak said after a while, “did Magnus end up calling you? He asked me for your number, for some reason.”
 
“Oh yeah,” Even replied without moving, “he wanted to know if I could drive Mahdi’s brother’s car tomorrow, but I had to tell him no. Actually…we ended up talking about mental health and medication. I didn’t know his mum is bipolar.”
 
“Yeah,” he felt Isak tense a little, “I only found out recently, too. I’ve met her a bunch of times, but I couldn’t tell just by face value.”
 
“You couldn’t tell that I’m bipolar when we met, either,” he pointed out. He tried not to be annoyed. Isak was still learning about this stuff.
 
“I know,” Isak replied hastily. He sounded embarrassed. “Um…Magnus didn’t say anything weird, did he? He has a habit of putting his foot in it sometimes.”
 
“Not at all. We had a nice conversation. It was good to talk to someone who…”
 
He trailed away, realising that anything he added from this point on had the potential to hurt Isak’s feelings.
 
“Someone who understands?” his boyfriend finished for him, sounding a little pained.
 
Too late.
 
Even sighed. “More someone I’m not afraid of upsetting by talking about it.”
 
“You won’t upset me.”
 
Even lifted his head so he could stare into Isak’s eyes, which were wide and glassy and so full of honesty right in that moment. He was trying. The same way that Even was trying to do the right thing by him.
 
“You don’t want to know about how my medication makes me feel nauseas and lethargic sometimes,” he said with a sad smile, stroking Isak’s cheek. “Or how it sometimes makes me feel like I need to piss, even when I don’t. Or the fact that I hate how it makes my skin break out and my hands shake when I try to draw.”
 
“I want to know all those things,” Isak replied softly, placing his hand on top of Even’s and nuzzling into it. “I want to know everything about you.”
 
Even could feel the emotions welling up inside of him. No matter where his head was at, no matter what drugs he was taking, the one thing he’d always been sure of was exactly how he felt about Isak Valtersen. Nothing in the world was ever going to make that change.
 
He leaned in and kissed him gently.
 
“I want to know everything about you too.”
 
***
 
Wednesday, 4 January, 2017
 
06:13
 
Even awoke in the dark to the most peculiar sound. At first he thought he’d somehow wandered onto the set of a horror film, and was hearing the sounds of an otherworldly creature acting out a scene. As it turned out, the sound was coming from his boyfriend.
 
Isak was well and truly unconscious, lying on his side facing Even with his jaw clenched shut, fist balled up around the duvet and holding on for dear life. He was grinding his teeth, Even realised in astonishment, and it if it was as painful as it sounded, then Isak was not going to wake in a good mood.
 
Even deliberated what he should do. Was he having a nightmare? Should he wake him up? He had read somewhere that it was a bad idea to wake somebody up in the middle of an intense dream, but he couldn’t stand to lie there and listen to someone he loved hurt themselves. Tentatively, he lifted a hand and lightly touched Isak’s arm. His boyfriend reacted violently, grunting and jostling around in the bed, so Even snatched his hand away. His movements were like that of a man possessed. Whatever he was dreaming about, it must have been fucking horrible.
 
“Isak?” he asked quietly into the darkness.
 
He tried shaking him again. This time he mumbled something ineligible as he tossed and turned, tangling himself up in the sheets. Finally, he opened his eyes. Drew in a deep breath. Looked around frantically.
 
“Even?” he said, voice trembling slightly.
 
He drew his fingers towards his jaw, gently rubbing the area towards the back of his mouth.
 
“I’m here,” he whispered, shuffling forwards and pulling Isak into a hug. His skin was drenched with sweat.
 
“Did you have a nightmare?” Even asked, once his boyfriend had calmed down somewhat.
 
“They’re just stress dreams,” he head Isak mumble into his chest. “I get them from time to time. It’s normal. Sorry if I scared you.”

“It’s fine,” Even rubbed his back soothingly. “What are you feeling stressed about?”
 
“Nothing,” Isak laughed it off. “Well, maybe this cabin trip tomorrow…Wait, what time is it?”
 
Even rolled over and checked his phone. “Fuck. Only about forty minutes until the alarm goes off.”
 
Isak groaned. “Why did Magnus want to catch the first bus? He’s too fucking keen.”
 
“Probably just misses Vilde,” Even grinned. “Do you want to try getting some more sleep?”
 
Isak nodded. He turned so that he was facing the window, pulling the blankets up around him. Even settled on his back and closed his eyes.
 
“Even?” he heard Isak say a few minutes later. He sounded small and far away.
 
“Yeah?” Even replied instantly, opening his eyes.
 
A short silence followed, before…
 
“Could you…um, maybe…would you mind…spooning, with me?”
 
Even melted a bit. He instantly rolled over onto his side and pressed himself against Isak’s back, sliding a hand over and onto his chest. Their bodies fit perfectly together like this, or so it seemed to him. He felt Isak take his hand and bring it to his lips; a small, unspoken gesture of thanks. Even kissed the back of his neck in response, allowing himself to doze off.
 
***
 
08:09
 
They arrived at the bus stop a minute before it was due to pull in, rugged up to ward off the freezing cold. Isak had managed to fall asleep properly again before the alarm went off, and was now barely cognitive. Since the streets were mostly empty at this time, he’d even allowed Even to take his hand and guide him to where he was supposed to be. Jonas and Mahdi appeared to be in the same condition. They definitely weren’t morning people.
 
“Good morning!” Magnus shouted at them as they arrived. He waved a huge blue thermos in their direction. “My mum made us hot chocolate.”
 
“Hey, guys,” Even said, since Isak could do nothing but stare at them all blearily. They dropped their bags on the ground. “Good morning.”
 
“What’s good about it?” mumbled Mahdi through half-lidded eyes, as Jonas nodded his agreement.
 
“What’s good about it, is that I’m about to get three straight days of unadulterated action!” Magnus beamed, looking very proud of himself. “Vilde sent me nudes last night. Honest to God nudes. I am so in. But seriously, hot chocolate! Who wants some? It’s so good!”
 
Isak groaned and leaned into Even’s side.
 
“I think that means yes?” Even said, laughing.
 
Magnus distributed small metal cups and filled them. He’d been right, Even thought. The hot chocolate was damn good.
 
“The bus is late,” Magnus said despondently as he checked his phone.
 
“This bus is always late,” Jonas answered, still not fully alert. “What’s more, we’re going to be the only people on it at this hour. This is not my first rodeo.”
 
Isak nodded in confirmation.
 
“You’ve been there before?” Even asked, turning to him.
 
“Once,” Isak explained, “when Jonas and Eva were dating. It well over a year ago now.”
 
“It’s a nice place,” added Jonas, “only two bedrooms though. I have no idea what they’re planning on doing about that.”
 
“We’ll sort it out,” Magnus shrugged.
 
The bus pulled in a couple of minutes later, and sure enough they were the only passengers on board. Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus spread out across three separate rows of seats, while Isak and Even sat side by side.
 
“Hope you boys are ready for a slow journey,” the bus driver called out to them. “Lots of ice on the roads this morning.”
 
“How long is this trip supposed to take, again?” Even whispered to his boyfriend.
 
Isak closed his eyes, the back of his head thunking against the seat. “Two hours.”
 
“Wow. Awesome.”
 
As the drive wore on, and the boys slowly started to wake up, Magnus regaled them all with the story of his and Vilde’s first time together.
 
“So I brought her back to my place after the Kosegruppa party, right? And I didn’t want to wake anyone up, in case they started asking questions, so I brought her into the spare bedroom at the front of the house. Then we do it, and we fall asleep there, and in the morning I wake up in this strange room with Vilde, like, ‘where the fuck am I?’” he paused in his story as the boys laughed. “So I get up and my mum’s already in the kitchen, being all, ‘honey, what were you doing in the spare room?’. Super awkward, right? But before I can answer her Vilde pops up out of nowhere, and my mum gets the fright of her life. Like actually screams, then Vilde screams because she’s startled, then I scream because I don’t know what else to do. So we’re all just screaming at each other-”
 
“Fucking hell, Mags,” Mahdi snorted. “Is anything in your life ever normal and straightforward?”
 
“Fuck no,” Magnus grinned. “But imagine how boring life would be if they were.”
 
They all looked around at each other and smiled.
 
***

10:59
 
By the time they arrived at the cabin, they were well and truly late. In addition to the slow bus trip, they had to carry their bags up a long road, before finally reaching an entirely gorgeous building. Situated on a frozen lake and drizzled in snow, the place looked like something out of a postcard at a tourist shop.
 
“Holy shit,” Mahdi gaped as he stared up at the place. “This place is so nice. I didn’t know Eva’s family was loaded.”
 
Jonas shrugged. “Her mum’s a big shot lawyer for an international firm. She travels back and forth to Geneva for work.”
 
Eva herself greeted them at the front door, looking far less dishevelled than they all were after the long trip.
 
“Hi,” she said brightly, standing back to allow them to go in. Magnus went first, followed by Mahdi. She hugged Isak and Jonas as they made their way through next. The hug with the latter was a little stiff and uncomfortable.
 
“Hey, it’s Even from Kosegruppa!” she said jokingly, standing on tiptoe to hug him too. He was a little taken aback as they didn’t know each other all that well.
 
“Thanks for having us, Eva,” he gave her his best smile.
 
She giggled and twirled a piece of hair around her finger. “It’s no trouble. I think Vilde’s pretty excited.”
 
“Magnus is excited too,” he laughed as they made their way inside. “Feels a bit like we’re all just tagging along on their first date.”
 
“Ah yes, the merging of our two groups,” she said with a smirk. “Kind of funny how things work out, don’t you think?”
 
“Yeah,” he nodded in agreement, “life is strange.”
 
The others were all chatting in the living area. It seemed amicable enough, but the vibe was a bit awkward. These were mostly acquaintances, rather than close friends. Chris was standing off to one side, chewing gum and looking a little put out. Noora was making small talk with Mahdi and Jonas, while Magnus stood with his hand in his pockets, grinning wide-eyed as he searched for a sign of Vilde. The only conversation that didn’t feel a bit strained was between Isak and Sana. The two stood next to each other, swapping smart-alec quips and making jokes about their biology teacher.
 
As Eva said, funny how things worked out. He hadn’t recognised little Sana Bakkoush the first few times he’d seen her around school. Why would he? She had looked completely different when he stopped going over to the Bakkoush household; a sassy, fresh-faced fourteen-year-old who spent most of her time shooting hoops in the backyard. She could thrash her brother and their whole squad at basketball with her eyes closed, though none of them would have ever admitted it. Even had assumed she’d end up going to Bakka, like her big brother. Now she was a second year at Nissen, wearing goth makeup and hiding weed in her hijab. And she was his boyfriend’s lab partner.
 
Small fucking world. He wondered if she’d remembered who he was, that day she and her friends approached him to join Kosegruppa in the cafeteria. He wondered how her brother was doing these days. Elias…the leader of the group, always so popular. The biggest joker and prankster of them all. What did he end up doing after graduation? Would it be weird for Even to ask? Did Yousef end up getting into childcare, like he always talked about doing? And what about Mikael?
 
Mikael…
 
Noora broke him out of his sad reverie, bumping shoulders with him as she approached. “Hey, hombre!”
 
Even smiled back at her. “Hey, you.”
 
They’d been getting pretty chummy in the weeks he’d spent at the Kollektiv, since they were often the only two people in the flat awake before 10am. He was glad she was there.
 
“This place is amazing,” he told her, taking in the view of the lake. “I can’t believe Eva’s mum owns it.”
 
“Yeah!” Noora replied enthusiastically. “This is my first time here. I think the girls all came up last summer, but I was in London, so…”
 
They were interrupted as Chris walked over to them, arms folded across her chest and sulking.
 
“Aw, Chris, don’t look so glum,” said Noora, tenderly patting her arm.
 
“I didn’t know Vilde was going to invite guys. I would have brought Kasper,” she grumbled, then noticed Even’s confused face. “Kasper’s my boyfriend.”
 
“Oh.”
 
“Now there’s going to be two couples here. It’s not fair,” she sighed. “No offence Even. I just miss him so much.”
 
“None taken,” Even said warmly. Wait, was this the same Kasper from Noora’s story about Sana’s ‘magic hijab’?
 
“Chris, I think we need to let Vilde have this one,” Noora told her gently. “You can bring Kasper to the cabin on the next school break.”
 
“I suppose.”
 
“Where is Vilde, anyway?” Even asked, looking around. Magnus was still standing in the middle of the room with the same dumb expression on his face.
 
“Getting ready,” Noora said in a loud whisper, clearly amused.
 
“Ohh,” Even laughed, “I see.”
 
The three of them chatted for a few minutes, before footsteps could be heard echoing down the corridor and Vilde appeared in front of them. She was dressed to the nine’s, so to speak, in stockings and a tight-fitting black skirt, with a pink top that showcased her cleavage. She tossed some of her hair out of her eyes and batted her long eyelids at Magnus, who’s mouth had by now well and truly fallen open. To her credit, she looked completely stunning.
 
“Hi, everyone,” she said, though she looked directly at her boyfriend.
 
Even suddenly got the feeling he was in the middle of a movie scene. The kind where the girl came down the stairs after her makeover in slow motion, and the boy couldn’t stop staring at her. He glanced over at Isak with raised eyebrows, and his boyfriend grinned and winked back at him.
 
“Wow!” Magnus breathed, causing Vilde to giggle behind her hands.
 
“Magnus, would you like me to show you around the-”
 
“YES!”
 
Vilde beamed and extended her hand towards him. He hurried to take it and they disappeared down the corridor without a single thought, whispering animatedly and giggling together. A stunned silence filled the room, a few of them exchanging amused looks with one another and trying not to crack up.
 
“So, you guys brought your own food and drinks, right?” Eva asked, resting an arm casually on Isak’s shoulder. “Because we only have enough for our group.”
 
“Yeah, don’t worry,” answered Mahdi, “we divided up a shopping list.”
 
“And Even actually knows how to cook, so good news for us,” added Jonas, laughing.
 
“Oh good,” Eva shook her head. “Isak, remember when Jonas tried to cook for us one time? That piece of charred fish had to be the most depressing thing I’d ever seen.”
 
“Hey, that wasn’t all me,” Jonas protested. “Isak was helping, or have you forgotten that?”
 
“Bro, that was mostly you,” Isak smirked. “Don’t try to pin this one on me.”
 
“To be fair, you were probably both pretty stoned at the time,” Eva rationalised.
 
Isak and Jonas opened their mouths to retort, but couldn’t think of a comeback and ended up closing them again.
 
A loud, sensual moan echoed from down the corridor.
 
“Was that Vilde or Magnus?” asked Chris, genuinely perplexed.
 
Everyone else looked at the ground. Another moan soon followed and Isak coughed, like he was trying to cover it up.
 
Beside him, Noora clapped her hands together loudly. “Okay! Who wants to go for a walk in the snow?”
 
There was a general murmur of agreement, as they all hastily searched for their winter coats and shoes.
 
***
 
14:54
 
The last hour of daylight was drawing near. Even was sitting one of the couches, polishing off the last of his Spanish homework, legs stretched out along the couch and across Isak’s lap. His boyfriend was playing a game on his phone, occasionally muttering a curse word when something went wrong. Whenever he did so, Even would look up at him, and Isak would point and mouth ‘focus’, before returning to what he was doing. It had become a weird little game.
 
Meanwhile, Noora, Chris, Sana and Eva were sitting in a circle around the coffee table, playing an old board game they’d found in the storage room. They bickered constantly over the rules, which often ended in them laughing hysterically and falling into each other.
 
“I can’t believe Vilde and Magnus haven’t come out of the bedroom yet,” Chris said as she shuffled the cards in her hand.
 
“I can!” exclaimed Eva, causing Sana to snort into her tea.
 
“This is going to be a weird three days,” Noora said knowingly. She placed one of the cards face down on the game board.
 
“Noora!” Eva complained, “chance cards go face up, remember?”
 
They were arguing again when Jonas and Mahdi came into the room, looking a little sheepish. Where they had been since lunchtime was anyone’s guess.
 
“Hey,” Jonas said as he approached Isak and Even, keeping his voice low. “Smoke?”
 
He held his fingers up to gesture smoking a joint. Isak exchanged a look with Even instantly.
 
“Uh, I don’t know,” Isak said, keeping his eyes locked on his boyfriend.
 
It hadn’t come up since the Kosegruppa party. Even had to admit he wanted to - that he missed the feeling of being high - but the concerned look on Isak’s face was enough to put those urges to rest.
 
“Maybe not me,” he gave his boyfriend an encouraging smile, “but you should go ahead, if you want to.”
 
“You don’t smoke?” asked Mahdi.
 
“Not right now.”
 
Isak glanced between his friends and his boyfriend, at a loss for what to do.
 
“Are you smoking weed?” Chris piped up from behind them. “Can I join?”
 
Jonas and Mahdi rose eyebrows at each other in surprise, turning to face her. The rest of the girls were all listening in with interest.
 
“You want to smoke?” Jonas asked her in disbelief.
 
“Of course!” she rolled her eyes at him.
 
“Have you ever smoked before?” asked Mahdi this time.
 
“Uh, yeah. Who do you think I am?”
 
The two boys turned back to Isak and Even, who shrugged.
 
“Well, I don’t see why not,” Jonas chuckled awkwardly.
 
“Wait!” Eva piped up, leaning back on her hands. “If Chris is doing it, then I want to smoke too.”
 
At this, both Isak and Jonas’ mouths practically hit the floor.
 
“What!?” Isak shouted.
 
“Yeah, it’s no fair Chris gets to have all the fun. I’m all about having new experiences right now, and this is a new experience, right?”
 
“Um, Eva,” Jonas managed to speak once he’d recovered, “this is some pretty strong shit we brought on this trip.”
 
“What, and you don’t think I can handle it, Jonas?”
 
“Not for your first time.”
 
“Well, too bad. If Chris can handle it, I can handle it. Nobody tells me what to do,” she crossed her arms defiantly. “So make up a joint, or whatever it is you guys say.”
 
They boys all burst out laughing.
 
“Roll a joint,” Chris corrected her.
 
“What?”
 
“It’s ‘roll a joint’, not ‘make up a joint’, Eva.”
 
“I said whatever,” Eva huffed, turning red. “Hurry up! We don’t have much daylight left.”
 
They all assembled on the back porch, where Eva enlisted Even and Mahdi to help her pull a chiminea out of storage. They gathered around the fire, huddled in their winter coats, scarves and beanies. Since there were so many of them now, Jonas had been preparing a bong, amongst criticism from Chris that he was packing it wrong. Jonas took the first hit than passed it to her. Chris managed to inhale a lot more, then impressed them all by blowing smoke rings up into the air.
 
“What are you all doing?” Vilde asked as she and Magnus emerged outside. She had definite sex hair beneath her beanie, while Magnus had a hickey visible underneath his scarf and red lipstick marks over his lips. Both were looking incredibly content.
 
“Eva and Chris are smoking weed with the boys,” Noora explained from where she was wrapped in a blanket. She, Even and Sana had stationed themselves near the chiminea, but slightly on the outside of the circle. Team Sober, as it were.
 
“Looks like we came out just in time!” Magnus happily dragged a chair over.
 
Vilde glanced around them, all wide-eyed and confused, as Chris exhaled more smoke rings.
 
“I’m trying it too!” she announced, dropping into Magnus’ lap.
 
Jonas laughed, face tilted towards the air. “Fuck it, why not?”
 
Chris passed the bong to Eva, who clearly had no idea what to do with it. Her friend leaned over to help.
 
“You have to light it, and cover the hole with your finger, like this,” she gave a demonstration, “then you put your mouth over the top and just suck it in.”
 
“That’s it?” Eva asked suspiciously.
 
“That’s it,” Chris nodded. “I’ll light it for you since it’s your first time. You just focus on the sucking and the hole.”
 
The boys all sniggered.
 
“Real mature,” Chris chastised them with narrowed eyes.
 
Eva only managed to get a bit down before she had a coughing fit.
 
“Fucking hell,” she wheezed, “fucking hell, that burns! How the hell are you supposed to enjoy this?”
 
“You didn’t get much,” Chris sighed. “That’s alright, we’ll try again next round.”
 
Isak was next. He covered the top of the bottle with his mouth and sucked. Hard. His lips parted only slightly as a thin trail of smoke wafted towards the sky. Too fucking sexy.
 
“Roll your tongue back in, Even,” Noora said quietly from beside him with a teasing nudge.
 
“Sorry. Was it that obvious?”
 
Sana nudged his other side. “You’re worse than my brother when he sees a hot girl at the gym.”
 
Even laughed, perhaps a little bashful.
 
“Aren’t you three bored just watching us?” Isak asked, as he handed the bong to Mahdi.
 
“Are you kidding?” Sana joked. “This is the most fun I’ve had since we got here. Hours of entertainment.”
 
Mahdi finished smoking and passed it along to Magnus and Vilde, who were last in line. Magnus took a hit first, before showing Vilde what to do.
 
“You have to suck. It’s just like what we were doing in the bedroom,” he told her, as she positioned her mouth over the head. She coughed as she took her hit, then giggled just like a Japanese anime character.
 
“Ugh, gross,” Eva said, though she was laughing at the same time. “TMI, you two.”
 
Vilde’s eyes sparkled mischievously. “Are you sure you’re not jealous that I’m the only one here getting dick?”
 
Some of the girls gasped, and a chorus of ‘Ohhhh!’ went up amongst the boys.
 
“Holy shit, was that shade?” Eva gaped at her friend, laughing. “Did I just get shade from Vilde Lien Hellerud?”
 
Vilde gave and devilish smirk and shrugged her shoulders, while Magnus tightened his arms around her waist and kissed her cheek.
 
“Wait, wait, wait,” Mahdi held up a finger, like he’d just made an important discovery, “Vilde, you forgot about Isak and Even.”
 
Vilde’s eyes widened. “You’re right,” she said seriously, “Isak and Even are also getting dick. My mistake.”
 
Isak coughed loudly, turning bright red. Even grinned and winked at him.
 
“Vilde, are you high already?” Jonas laughed, taking the bong from her.
 
“I don’t know,” she said dubiously, twisting to look at Magnus. “How do I know if I’m high or not?”
 
Magnus grinned up at her. “Trust me, baby, you’ll know.”
 
***
 
18:23
 
“More CHEESE!” Vilde shouted enthusiastically. She jumped up and down on the spot and clapped her hands together. Eva started giggling, which set Vilde off too, and they folded into each other in a fit of hysterics.
 
Noora looked at Even and Sana and rolled her eyes. “Okay. More cheese.”
 
She took another handful of grated cheese and sprinkled it over the enormous baking tray of nachos they were preparing. It seemed like the most efficient way to feed all of their friends at once.
 
“Will it be ready soon?” asked Eva, arm around Vilde’s waist, “I’m soooo hungry.”
 
“It will be ready faster if you two stop getting in the way,” Sana sassed them, causing another outbreak of giggles.
 
“Sana, you’re so funny,” Vilde waved a hand at her, leaning back onto Eva’s shoulder.
 
How Sana and Noora managed to stay sober and look after the other girls every weekend, Even had no idea. They were a handful, to say the very least. He was beginning to feel tired just watching them.
 
“Vil-de,” Eva whined as she looked through the cupboards, “I think your boyfriend ate all the chocolate.”
 
Vilde giggled into her hands again. “I have a boyfriend.”
 
She and Magnus were actually perfect for each other, Even was realising. Both equally excitable, both a little naive. In a good way, though.
 
“Do you know what the best thing about having a boyfriend is? I get to have sex all the time,” Vilde gloated. “Oh, and I finally have someone to send all my selfies to.”
 
Out of the corner of his eye, Even saw Noora and Sana exchange a smirk.
 
“Yep, those are the only reasons to get a boyfriend,” Eva joked. “Right, Even? You send all your selfies to Isak, don’t you?”
 
“Only every day,” he joked. 
 
Vilde beamed. “How nice that we finally have a gay couple at the school.”
 
Noora sighed as she put the nachos in the oven. “She means well, Even, I promise.”
 
“It’s okay,” he smiled back.
 
Vilde frowned. “What did I say?”
 
“It is nice that you and Isak are together, though,” said Eva, still looking through the fridge. “I always hoped he would find someone…Ohhh, Vilde, wait! I found the chocolate.”
 
“You can’t wait twenty minutes for dinner?” Sana narrowed her eyebrows. They had already started dividing it between them.
 
“Where are the boys now, anyway?” Noora asked. “Minus present male company, of course.”
 
“I have no idea,” Even answered. “Probably still smoking with Chris.”
 
“You don’t know where your crew is?” said Sana. “You’re just as bad as Isak. You both need to learn to control your hoes.”
 
Even spluttered. “They’re more Isak’s friends than mine.”
 
“Oh, Even!” Vilde suddenly exclaimed, chocolate in her mouth. “I just realised, you’re in third year! That means you’re going to be a russ soon, right?”
 
He opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off abruptly as she continued.
 
“If you’re on a russ bus, you have to get us invited to party on it sometime. Especially if there are lots of cool people in your group!”
 
“I don’t think I’m going to be a russ, Vilde.”
 
She swallowed the chocolate and gaped at him, as if he had just announced the most ludicrous thing in the world. “What!?”
 
The boys at Bakka had talked about russ plans together, back when he was still part of their gang. Now, he was a new kid at a new school, with no close friends to graduate with. Plus, he was a year older than all his classmates. There were a few people he could potentially join with if he really wanted to, like Anders from English class, but truthfully he’d be nervous to ask them. He’d just assumed he wouldn’t get to participate in russefeiring at all. Before he started at Nissen - before he saw Isak for the first time - his plan had simply been to keep his head down for the year, focus on getting into film school, and then move the fuck on with his life.
 
“It’s just not really for me,” he told her, hoping it sounded sincere.
 
He noticed Sana giving him the side-eye, then. He wondered how much Elias had told her about his past.
 
“But russ is the most important time in our school career,” Vilde reasoned with him. “Everything leads up to russ.”
 
“Vilde…” Noora hissed at her with a pointed stare.
 
“Noora, it’s okay, really,” Even gave them a kind smile. “Vilde, I’m repeating the third year, so I’m a year older than everyone else. I don’t really think it makes sense for me to be a russ.”
 
“That’s bullshit.”
 
Everyone turned to Sana when she spoke, startled. There was a determined look in her dark eyes - the same look Even remembered seeing in that young girl on the basketball court.
 
“Some people think I shouldn’t be a russ because I’m Muslim, but fuck them,” she told them seriously. “Even, it’s up to you if you want to be a russ or not, but don’t let what happened at your last school stop you from living your life. So what if you’re a year older than everyone else? You have just as much a right as they do to celebrate your graduation - more so, even, because you’ve worked harder than any of them to get where you are.”
 
Even stared at her, along with the others, in silent awe.
 
“Fuck, Sana,” Eva broke the silence, all wide-eyed, “that was so deep.”
 
Vilde nodded in confirmation, mouth slightly agape. Only Noora didn’t appear to be astonished, beaming with pride at her friend’s words of wisdom.
 
“Whatever,” Sana laughed it off, crossing her arms. “So find some cool people to party with, buy a pair of overalls, and get us the hell invited, okay? We really need the cred.”
 
Even shook himself out of his stupor, grinning at her. “Yes, M’am.”
 
It seemed like he didn’t have a choice now.
 
***

19:12
 
Jonas and Isak were lying head-to-toe on the king-size mattress in the master bedroom, deep in a conversation when Even walked in. For a moment, it reminded him of the days when Mikael would stay over at his house every other weekend, and they’d do the same thing in his bunk bed; head-to-toe, staring up at the ceiling in the dark while sharing their hopes and dreams with each other. He pushed aside the pang of sadness he felt when he saw his boyfriend’s smile.
 
“Even,” Isak reached up with both arms, speech slightly sluggish, “come and lie down with us.”
 
“There’s food in the kitchen,” he told them, though he couldn’t resist lying down next to him. “The others are demolishing it, so we shouldn’t take too long.”
 
Isak wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him into his side. “In a minute. Jonas and I were  just talking about the last time we were here.”
 
Jonas chuckled from near Isak’s feet. “Bro, we were so fucking high, then. I can’t believe Eva didn’t figure it out.”
 
“Bro, we are fucking high now,” Isak pointed out, as his best friend snorted, “and I can’t believe Eva, of all people, actually smoked.”
 
“She’s changed so much,” Jonas said, somewhat sadly.
 
Even felt Isak’s fingers lightly caress his back. “We all have.”
 
“Hey,” said Jonas after some silence had passed, “remember how you kept asking me to play that Jason Mraz song on guitar?”
 
“What?” Even lifted his head to look at his boyfriend.
 
“Yeah, man,” Jonas teased. “He was obsessed with that shit.”
 
“No, I think you’re thinking of someone else,” Isak shook his head. “I don’t listen to shit like that. I like 90’s hip-hop.”
 
“Which song was it?” Even asked Jonas, though he kept his eyes on Isak.
 
“You know that one…used to be on the radio all the time…” Jonas clicked his fingers as he tried to think, before belting out the lyrics, “It was like, ‘I’M YOOOUUUURRRSSS’.”
 
“Jonas!” Isak shouted, as all three of them spluttered.
 
“Still better than Gabrielle,” he muttered, once they recovered.
 
Jonas sniggered. “Who likes Gabrielle?”
 
“I do,” Even said proudly, “and I’m not ashamed of it.”
 
“Wow, Even. I don’t know if we can be friends anymore.”
 
“Oh well. It’s been a fun couple of weeks, man.”
 
He felt Isak’s arm squeeze him as he laughed.
 
“Hey Isak, remember that time Elias scared the fuck out of us?” Jonas smirked as he relived the memory. “And then we all scared Eva?”
 
For the first time Isak didn’t seem amused by the memory. “Elias…what ended up happening to that guy?”
 
“He transferred out of Nissen when his parents moved, at the end of first year,” Jonas said nonchalantly, “I sort of lost touch with him.”
 
“What a shame,” Isak muttered, just loud enough for Even to hear. He sounded jaded.
 
“What was that?”
 
“Nothing,” Isak shrugged underneath him, “just not a great loss, that’s all.”
 
“He wasn’t that bad a guy,” Jonas reasoned.
 
“He used to call me a fag, Jonas. All the fucking time. Do you have any idea what that felt like?”
 
The words exploded out of nowhere, leaving a defining silence in their wake. All three of them lay there stiffly, feeling the weight of it thick in the air.
 
Below them, Jonas sat up, propped up on his elbows. “Isak…”
 
Isak sat up too, forcing Even to as well. He shook his head. Gave a strange little laugh.
 
“Whatever, man, it’s ancient history,” he forced a smile. “I don’t give a fuck anymore.”
 
He leaned over and kissed Even, as though to prove it. Even was still in shock, lips barely moving against his.
 
“Isak,” Jonas tried again, full of remorse and shame, “I am so fucking sorry. I…I was a dumb kid, who didn’t even think. I should have said something. I should have stopped it.”
 
The apology was sincere, but there was a pain Even knew he and Isak both felt in that moment which Jonas could never understand. Because he would never have to listen to someone use the word ‘fag’, even jokingly, and feel like he was somehow less worthy. 
 
“Fuck Elias, man,” Jonas continued bitterly. “Seriously. Fuck that homophobic piece of shit.”
 
Isak gave a sad smile. “Yeah,” he said quietly, “fuck him.”
 
Instinctively, Even took hold of his boyfriend’s hand and squeezed tight, a sign of support he hopefully couldn’t ignore. He was here - he was fucking here - and he knew how he felt.
 
“Let’s just forget about it, okay?” Isak said, running his thumb over Even’s hand. “I’m fucking starving. If the others have eaten all the food, I’ll lose it.”
 
He got up and made for the door, leaving it open behind him. Even was about to follow, when Jonas covered his face with his hands and groaned, leaning back on the bed.
 
“I am such an idiot,” he said, voice muffed by his hands.
 
Even sighed. “You didn’t know.”
 
Jonas rubbed his eyes, then gazed up at the ceiling. They were wide with worry.
 
“That’s the thing, though,” he said, “I did know. Deep down. I always kind of knew Isak was gay, and I definitely knew Elias liked to crack gay jokes. Fuck, I even joined in on it sometimes. I just…didn’t put two and two together. I guess I thought that because Isak was in denial it was fine for me to be too. When you think about it, though, that’s really messed up.”
 
Even considered this. “Maybe you should tell him all of that? Not now, obviously, in a cabin full of people, but when it’s the right time.”
 
“But there’s never a right time,” Jonas gave a wry laugh, “because Isak never wants to talk about anything.”
 
Even thought back to Isak’s nightmare that morning, and the brief conversations they’d had about his dad. How he tried to brush all of it off.
 
“Yeah,” he said sadly, “I know.”
 
***
 
20:14
 
Dinner was not as awkward as Even would have anticipated. Isak was in good spirits, arguing with Eva over who deserved the last bit of nachos more, and the tension between him and Jonas seemed to dissipate after they rejoined the group. By the time they finished eating and gathered around the living area, it was almost like the conversation about Elias had never even happened.
 
“Where’s Vilde and Magnus?” asked Noora, noticing that they had disappeared again.
 
Mahdi raised an eyebrow at her. “Where do you think?”
 
The sex noises started up not long after, so Eva cranked the radio and pulled out a deck of cards, suggesting they distract themselves with a few rounds of poker. When Vilde and Magnus emerged about half an hour later, wearing identical smug expressions, most of the girls rolled their eyes.
 
“Vilde, I’m glad you’re happy, but I’m not sure the rest of us can take much more of this,” said Sana, both a little amused and a little pained.
 
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Vilde said innocently, sitting on the floor between her boyfriend’s legs. “Do you, Magnus?”
 
“No idea,” Magnus replied with a mischievous grin, kissing her.
 
Mahdi sighed. “Even, this is all your fault.”
 
“What?” Even laughed. “I did nothing.”
 
“Actually no, Mahdi’s right,” said Magnus, grinning towards Even. “Even wingmanned the shit out of this situation. Babe, he was the one who helped me to approach you at the Kosegruppa party. And he told me that I should ask you out just before midnight on New Year’s Eve.”
 
“Really?” Vilde gasped. “That was so romantic.”
 
“And to think it wouldn’t have happened without Isak’s boyfriend,” Sana teased, as Noora giggled beside her.
 
“Hey, I was the one who did it,” Magnus defended himself, seemingly regretting his decision to come clean. “Even was just the ideas man.”
 
“Actually, you know what would be a fun story to hear?” Eva perked up, the biggest shit-eating grin on her face. “The story of how these two got together.”
 
She gestured between Even and Isak, who were currently sitting on opposite sides of the circle. Isak was next to Eva on the couch, whereas Even was situated on the floor, long legs tucked under the coffee table. He studied his boyfriend’s face. So shy, but evidently not completely opposed to the idea.
 
“Yeah,” Chris piped up from the armchair, “I bet the details are juicy.”
 
“True,” Magnus added in his usual overenthusiastic way. “Like I said, Even is the king of romance.”
 
“I wouldn’t mind hearing that story, either,” Noora said. “How did it all start?”
 
Isak was licking his lips and rubbing the back of his head, laughing along with the others but evidently a bit flustered by all the attention. Even rose his eyebrows at him, waiting for him to make the decision.
 
“Fuck it,” he eventually said, grinning. “Tell them.”
 
Eva clapped her hands excitedly. “Yay!”
 
Even beamed. “Well, I guess it all started on my first day at Nissen. That was when I noticed Isak for the first time.”
 
“On the first day? What was he doing?” Mahdi laughed. “Studying for a biology test he didn’t have for two weeks?”
 
Isak rolled his eyes hard at his friend.
 
“Actually, he was sitting with you guys at a table outside,” Even explained. “You were all talking and joking around. Then you all got up and he was still sitting there, and…well I thought he was pretty hot, I guess.”
 
“Issaaak,” Eva said gleefully, giving her friend’s shoulder a playful shake.
 
“You guess?” Isak rose an eyebrow at him.
 
“Okay,” Even conceded, “I thought he was really hot.”
 
“So sweet,” said Noora, hands clasped together.
 
There was more to it than that, of course. Isak had been more than just another hot guy. When Even had looked over at him, even on that first day, he’d gotten a feeling. A feeling that was hard to put into words. A feeling that this person was somebody special.
 
He wasn’t about to share that with the entire cabin, however. It was private.
 
“So after that, I just couldn’t seem to get him out of my head,” he continued. “I kept seeing him everywhere, the blonde boy with the snapbacks and all the swagger,” he paused as a few people laughed. “I had, like, the biggest crush. Problem was I had absolutely no reason to talk to him, or to try and get to know him. But I really wanted to get on this guy’s radar.”
 
“Did you know any of this?” he heard Eva whisper loudly to Isak.
 
His boyfriend shook his head, grinning from ear to ear. “This is all news to me.”
 
“So that’s how I ended up joining Kosegruppa,” Even smiled directly at the boy opposite him, “to meet Isak.”
 
“Oh, I remember!” Vilde interjected, raising her hand in the air like she was in class. “The day we came over and invited you, we told you that we were going to ask the boys to join too.”
 
So you won’t be the only guy if you come, Vilde had said to him that day, as he glanced over at the handsome blonde boy and caught him staring back for the first time.
 
“That’s right,” Even replied, “so really, I have you to thank for all this, Vilde.”
 
Vilde shook her head. “No, it was really because of Sana. She was the who found out you were new at the school, and told us we should invite you.”
 
Sana was playing with her phone as Vilde said this, and shrugged it off as though it were nothing. So she did recognise him in those early days. She must have felt sorry for what had happened between him and her brother’s squad, so she’d suggested they invite him out of sympathy. She would have had no idea what was going to happen as a result, or how her simple gesture was going to completely change Even’s life for the better.
 
“Thank you, Sana.”
 
“Yeah,” Isak agreed, smirking at her. “Coolest lab partner ever.”
 
“Whatever,” Sana retorted, though a tiny smile crossed her lips.
 
“So then what happened?” Magnus pressed. “Did you go straight up to him and say something really suave?”
 
“Uh, no, not exactly,” Even laughed, “I sort of followed him into the bathroom to try and talk to him, but I ended up not knowing what to say, so I just pulled all the paper towels out of the dispenser because I thought I could get him to notice me that way.”
 
“Wow, smooth,” Mahdi joked.
 
“It worked, though, didn’t it?” Even asked, looking to Isak for confirmation.
 
His boyfriend laughed. “It definitely made me notice you.”
 
“So we went outside to smoke a joint and talk-”
 
“And you kept talking about dicks, remember?” Isak interjected, “‘Touch a dick, and you have to suck it’.”
 
“What?” Jonas spluttered.
 
“Yeah, not my best line,” Even admitted. What the hell had he been thinking? That he wanted to suck Isak’s dick, probably. “I was pretty nervous.”
 
“And Isak didn’t automatically leap into your arms?” Sana said sarcastically.
 
“Sadly, no.”
 
“So when did you actually get together?” asked Vilde, who looked like she’d gotten completely swept up in the story.
 
“Not for a few more weeks, after we ran away from a Halloween pre-game and broke into this house…”
 
“Correction,” Isak interrupted haughtily, “you broke into this house. I was just along for the ride.”
 
“Holy shit,” Jonas gaped, “you broke into a house? That’s fucking epic, man.”
 
Evan laughed. “It was some guy’s I went to primary school with. I knew they had a swimming pool.”
 
“So you went skinny dipping?” asked Eva. She sounded surprised and perhaps a little envious.
 
“No, but we did make out.”
 
The girls all made ‘Wooo!’ sounds, and Eva jostled Isak again, as his face turned pink.
 
“Who kissed who first?” Noora asked this time.
 
“Even was first,” his boyfriend said, glancing over at him bashfully.
 
Even nodded. “I kissed Isak first, but I was worried he was going to freak out, so I tried to play it off as a joke. Then the next time, he kissed me.”
 
Vilde made a little sound - somewhere between a sigh and a gasp - as she held a hand up to her heart.
 
“It was the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life,” Even heard himself say out loud, as he relieved the memory. He stared into grey-green eyes from across the room. “I couldn’t stop smiling.”
 
“Awww!” Noora giggled, leaning into Eva.
 
“That,” Chris said slowly, eyes wide as saucers, “is the most romantic thing…I have ever heard…in the history of…ever.”
 
“See, what did I tell you?” Magnus said smugly. “Fucking king of romance. I told you, Isak, you need to write that shit down and sell it to NRK.”
 
“I’d watch it,” smirked Eva.
 
“Me too,” Vilde nodded earnestly.
 
Isak cast a sly smile. “I’ll think about it.”
 
As the night wore on, the atmosphere between the two groups was gradually becoming less awkward. Eva and Jonas even made a few jokes about when they were together, and seemed to smile at each other fondly as they did so. Even knew that Eva had been joking about the two friendship groups merging together, but it was actually starting to feel that way.
 
“We need to sort out sleeping arrangements,” said Noora as it grew late. “There are only two bedrooms here, and ten people.”
 
“I thought couples would get to have the bedrooms,” Vilde replied soberly, leaning back into Magnus.
 
“Yes, good idea,” Isak said hastily, and Even nodded his agreement.
 
“Uh, no. I’m not sleeping out here with a bunch of sweaty boys, listening to you fuck all night,” Sana narrowed her eyes.
 
“And I have a bad back,” said Chris, “so I need to sleep in a bed.”
 
“Yeah me too, the bad back thing,” lied Mahdi. Quite possibly the worst lie ever, in fact.
 
“I think the girls should get to stay in the bedrooms, since we’re already set up in there from last night,” Eva said definitively. “Plus it’s my cabin, so at the very least I should get a bed.”
 
“There are two couches, so it will really only be three of you on the floor,” Noora tried to compensate. “You remembered to bring sleeping bags, right?”
 
The boys all nodded, including a very glum Magnus.
 
“Just a head’s up, whoever’s sleeping in the master bedroom might want to change the sheets first.”
 
“Magnus!” Vilde swatted at him, as everyone collectively winced.
 
“Dude, gross,” Jonas pulled a face, “we were lying on that bed just before.”
 
The girls departed for bed shortly afterwards, and the boys set up their sleeping bags on the couches and around the floor. They stripped out of their jeans and changed into sweats all together in the living room, except for Isak, who went to change in the bathroom out of modesty (something Even found endlessly cute). They ended up with Mahdi and Jonas on each of the couches, Magnus on the floor just beneath them, and Even and Isak together on the other side of the coffee table. Even unzipped their sleeping bags to create a makeshift bed, so that they could lie in the warmth between them while still cuddling.
 
“Nice,” Isak smiled when he returned from the bathroom. Even grinned back at him as he finished laying out the pillows.
 
Magnus sighed from his spot over on the floor. “So not fair that you two get to sleep next to each other, and Vilde and I are separated because of our stupid genders.”
 
“We’re not the ones who have been having sex all day with others in the house,” Isak smirked teasingly.
 
“I apologise for nothing!”
 
“Mags, you owe us big time for this trip,” said Mahdi, as Isak turned out the light. “I have heard noises come out of you that I never wanted to hear in my entire life.”
 
“It’s not all bad for you, right?” Even heard Magnus say in the darkness, as Isak climbed into their ‘bed’ beside him. “You guys are having some fun?”
 
Jonas chuckled. “Watching the girls get stoned was pretty fun.”
 
“Dude, fucking Chris!” Mahdi exclaimed. “I never would have imagined that. She smoked more weed than all of us put together.”
 
“Where did she even learn to pull cones like that?” asked Magnus.
 
“Bro, what even is her fucking life?”
 
Under the cover of darkness and blankets, Even had put his arm over Isak’s waist, drawing their bodies together. As his friends discussed Chris’ smoking habits, Isak gradually shifted in his arms so that they were facing each other, placing his hands on Even’s waist. He rubbed their noses together in an eskimo kiss.
 
“Hey Even,” Magnus interrupted them, “this is off topic, but I’ve been wondering something…”
 
Even braced himself. What was it about lying in the dark that made people want to open up or ask difficult questions?
 
“Do you reckon you’re bi or pan?”
 
Could have been a lot worse. He felt Isak wince in his arms and rubbed his back reassuringly.
 
“Well, when I first came out I told everyone I was bi, but now I think maybe pan suits a lot better.”
 
“Mmm-hmm,” Magnus answered thoughtfully, then, “…Even?”
 
“Yeah?”
 
“What the fuck does pansexual mean?”
 
None of the other boys groaned, the way they normally did when Magnus was blunt like this. Perhaps they had all been curious about the same thing.
 
“Well, opinions differ on this, but generally speaking…bisexual is when you’re attracted to both male and female genders, but pansexual is when you’re attracted to someone regardless of what gender they are.”
 
“Uh huh,” Magnus sighed, “I’m still confused as hell.”
 
“No, I think I get it,” Mahdi pondered. “Wait, I thought I had it then. Now I’m confused too.”
 
“I guess it is a pretty fine line,” Even admitted. “Some people use the terms interchangeably. I find it easier to tell people I’m bi sometimes because they tend to understand it better.”
 
“Bi or pan, whatever is fine with us,” Jonas said, and the other boys murmured in agreement.
 
Isak had been quiet during this small exchange, listening in intently. Even realised that while he’d been present through Isak’s coming out, he’d never really discussed his own with his boyfriend. Really, there was still so much they didn’t know about each other.
 
The conversation gradually began to die down as the boys grew tired, until it had all but petered out. It was then that Isak pecked him on the lips.
 
“I liked your story,” he told him softly.
 
Even pecked him back. “I left out a lot of details. Like what happened when we got back from the pool.”
 
“Probably for the best,” Isak smiled against his lips. “Um, did you really have a crush on me that whole time?”
 
“Of course,” Even kissed him again, more sensually this time. “Because you’re so fucking hot.”
 
“I think you’re fucking hot too.”
 
“Just so you guys know, we can hear you,” Mahdi called out into the darkness.
 
Isak groaned and ducked his head beneath the sleeping bag. So adorable. Even followed him under, laughing.
 
“Remember when you said we might get some privacy someday?” Isak mumbled.
 
“Yeah, I’m still holding out hope.”
 
“It got pretty private that other night…”
 
“The other night?” Even asked, confused.
 
“After Jonas went home?”
 
“Oh!” Even grinned, pulling his boyfriend towards him again. “Yeah, that was a good night.”
 
Isak sighed. “It’s a shame we didn’t get a bedroom.”
 
“I think these walls are pretty thin, anyway,” Even lowered his voice. “At least we still get to sleep next to each other.”
 
“That’s true,” Isak whispered. “You know, I had a dream that was kind of like this once.”
 
“Yeah?”
 
“Yeah, it wasn’t long after we first met. I had a dream we went on this weird school retreat thing for Kosegruppa, and at night you climbed into my sleeping bag and we fooled around.”
 
“Wow,” Even breathed, “that actually does sound kind of sexy.”
 
“Okay, we can still hear you,” Jonas called out from above, considerably pained.
 
“Ugh,” Isak groaned. “Alright, we’ll shut up now. Sorry!”
 
They reassembled on the pillows, arms wrapped around each other and chests pressed together for warmth.
 
“Goodnight,” said Isak, gently kissing his cheek.
 
Even nuzzled their noses together in response. “Goodnight.”
 
***
 
Thursday, 5 January, 2017
 
01:49
 
Even awoke to Isak’s hands on his skin, tracing patterns along his back and down towards his waistband. As he became aware of his surroundings, he briefly wondered if he was dreaming Isak’s fantasy about the Kosegruppa school trip. It couldn’t be possible. Isak’s touch was electric. Real.
 
“Isak-”
 
His boyfriend clamped a hand over his mouth.
 
“Sssh,” he whispered into his ear, “we don’t want to wake them up.”
 
He noticed how still the rest of the house felt. It must be very late, or very early in the morning. One of the boys was snoring softly, though Even couldn’t be sure of who.
 
He felt Isak’s hands slide underneath his waistband and grip his bum, pulling their bodies together. Felt his erection rub against him through their pants.
 
“I couldn’t sleep.”
 
He smirked as Isak started grinding against him. This was fucking dirty, especially for Isak. And he was going to love every minute of it.
 
One of the hands slid around to the front and began stroking him, increasing the speed, quickly, steadily. Being touched by Isak like that, combined with the thrill of knowing they could get caught, turned out to be a huge fucking turn on. He kept his voice low as he could, a few tiny grunts of pleasure escaping his lips.
 
“This is so hot,” he said softly, as Isak’s hand continued to work it’s magic.
 
Isak smiled against his mouth. “Ssssh.”
 
He pulled down Even’s pants and lifted his shirt. Jerked him off against his perfectly toned abdomen. There was no way he was going to last long. Isak’s free hand reached around and cupped his balls, sending Even over the edge soon after. He turned his head and buried his face into the pillow as he came.
 
“Wow,” he heard Isak expel a breath of laughter. Through the darkness, Even could make out the outline of him running his hand across his stomach muscles. He reached over and touched them. They were wet with sweat and cum. He wriggled out of the hoodie he was sleeping in and handed it to his boyfriend to use to clean up.
 
“Okay,” he whispered, grabbing Isak’s ass and pulling him towards him, “your turn.”
 
He grabbed Isak’s cock, already so hard and straining inside his sweats, and pumped him hard. Slid a leg between his thighs to teasingly rub near his groin. He felt Isak practically collapse against him, hands balling into fists as he clutched as his shirt. A tiny moan was released. Perhaps too loud.
 
“Sssh,” now it was Even’s turn to say it. He grinned into the darkness.
 
“Fuck,” Isak gasped, “I don’t think I can…” another moan, “…I can’t stop it.”
 
An idea occurred to Even that made him more excited than he thought it would.
 
“Bite me,” he urged in a low voice.
 
Isak froze for a second. “Seriously?”
 
Even nodded, using his free hand to thread through blonde curls, guiding Isak’s face towards his neck. His boyfriend’s mouth licked gently at the skin. He increased the speed on his dick and Isak bit down, latching onto Even and sucking. The sensation was mindblowing. It had solved the problem of keeping Isak quiet, but now he was having trouble too. He bit the insides of his cheeks as Isak’s tongue teased the sensitive area.
 
He felt Isak’s whole body shudder, heard a moan that was swallowed up almost entirely but pulsated against his neck, as Isak came into his hand. The fingers clenched around his shirt pulled down, tensed and then finally released.
 
Even pulled his hand back and used his already cum-stained hoodie to wipe it off. Gross. He’d have to deal with that in the morning.
 
Miraculously, the house was still, and the snoring was continuing. It didn’t seem like they had woken anybody up, which was good news. In the moment, it was one of the last things on his mind, but he would have felt bad if one of the boys had awakened in the middle of that.
 
Isak’s body felt limp against him. He was so close that they were sharing a pillow, already falling asleep in Even’s arms. Even kissed him gently, then watched as his breathing became steady.
 
“You’re amazing,” he murmured into the night. I love you.
 
He closed his eyes and allowed sleep to claim him.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Thursday, 5 January 2017
 
09:43
 
Isak woke up slowly, taking in the unfamiliar surroundings as his eyes came into focus. It took a few seconds to remember where he was. Across the room, Jonas and Mahdi were still dozing on the couches. Magnus was lying in an unzipped sleeping bag, Vilde wrapped up in his arms. Both were snoring softly. Isak tried not to laugh. She must’ve snuck out at some point during the night so they could sleep next to each other. It was weirdly sweet. He hoped they hadn’t been awake when he and Even started fooling around.
 
He rolled over onto his back, which felt a little stiff after sleeping on the floor. Beside him, Even was lying on his side with the sleeping back pulled up to his chin, eyes gently closed. For a moment, he thought he might have actually woken up first for once, but he was quickly proven wrong when Even opened his eyes almost instantly. He looked cute like that, Isak thought. Hair all messy, tucked up in bed, a tiny smile playing on his lips.
 
“Hi,” he whispered quietly.
 
Isak smiled back at him. “Hi.”
 
Even shifted in bed, pushing the covers off him slightly to reveal part of his neck. Isak’s mouth fell open.
 
“Holy shit,” he gaped.
 
“Huh?”
 
The mark on his neck was an ugly shade of purple, a stark contrast to his pale skin. It was blotchy, darker in some places than others, and huge. Did Isak do that? He didn’t think it was possible.
 
Even reached a hand up and touched the spot Isak was staring at, wincing a bit as it did so.
 
“Is it bad?”
 
Wordlessly, Isak grabbed his phone and flipped the camera around to the selfie view, holding it front of Even to use as a mirror. His boyfriend cracked up.
 
“Wow!”
 
“Sorry,” he muttered self-consciously.
 
“Are you kidding? It’s awesome,” Even grinned, stretching the skin underneath the hickey a little with his fingers.
 
Isak heard someone stirring behind them. He hastily pulled the sleeping bag back up to cover Even’s neck before he turned around.
 
“Hey,” Jonas said blearily as he sat up.
 
“Hey,” Isak replied as nonchalantly as possible.
 
His best friend glanced over to where Magnus and Vilde were cuddling and snorted.
 
“Coffee?” he asked.
 
“Sure, just give us a minute. We’ll meet you in there.”
 
Jonas shrugged, swinging his legs out of his sleeping bag. He put on one of Isak’s snapbacks and pulled his hood up over it, stuffing his hands into his pockets before he stumbled towards the kitchen. It gave Isak an idea.
 
“Yeah, you probably don’t want to wear that,” Even said as Isak reached for the scrunched up grey hoodie beside their bed.
 
He blushed furiously. “Oh. Right.”
 
He opened Even’s bag and pulled out the blue one instead. “Put this on?”
 
Even grinned, but did as he was told. As soon as it was over his shoulders, Isak pulled the hood over his head, adjusting so that it mostly covered the mark on his neck. Mostly. For good measure, he pulled out a black scarf and wrapped that around his neck too.
 
“Looks good?” Even asked teasingly once Isak had finished dressing him. It looked pretty ridiculous, actually. The extra layers were unnecessary inside the heated cabin. He sighed and took the scarf back off again.
 
“Okay,” he nodded, rubbing Even’s shoulder, “don’t take that off for the rest of the day.”
 
Even nodded back at him, trying to be serious, though the smile gave him away. “Okay.”
 
By now, Mahdi was awake, too. His reaction to seeing Magnus and Vilde together was almost identical to Jonas’.
 
“Should have known. I thought I heard sex noises last night.”
 
Even and Isak both suddenly became interested in the floor.
 
“Coffee?” Isak changed the subject.
 
“Yeah, man.”
 
Jonas had already put a pot on. As they chatted the girls slowly began to wander in, some of them with wet hair from the shower. With the exception of Noora - who was as bright and chirpy as ever - they all seemed fairly sleep deprived. Thankfully, no one was paying close enough attention to Even to notice anything out of the ordinary.
 
“So what’s the plan for today?” asked Eva as they began putting breakfast together. “Snowshoeing? Sledding? Ice fishing?”
 
“I don’t know, Eva, that all sounds very active,” Chris said dubiously.
 
“You could always stare here,” Sana smirked, “I’m sure Vilde and Magnus will be.”
 
Chris shuddered. “On second thought, those activities sound pretty good.”
 
“For real, they were going at it again last night,” Mahdi said as he sipped his coffee, “I heard them.”
 
Jonas rose an eyebrow. “I didn’t hear anything.”
 
“You were out cold. I was half-asleep, so I didn’t think much of it at the time. I just heard, like, a guy grunting. Then I went back to sleep.”
 
Noora sighed. “Well, what did we expect?”
 
“Did you two get woken up by it, too?” asked Eva, looking towards Isak and Even.
 
Isak shook his head hastily. “No, I didn’t hear anything.”
 
Even was doing a much better job of keeping his cool. He grinned and shrugged.
 
“Maybe it was a dream?” Isak suggested.
 
“Maybe,” Mahdi laughed. “Pretty weird thing to dream about, though.”
 
“What’s weird to dream about?” asked Magnus as he came into the kitchen, holding Vilde’s hand.
 
“Poor Mahdi heard you two last night,” Eva explained.
 
Vilde was incredulous. “What do you mean? We didn’t do anything but cuddle last night.”
 
“Sure,” Sana rolled her eyes.
 
“No, really!” she turned towards her boyfriend. “Tell them, Magnus!”
 
“She’s right,” Magnus nodded in confirmation, “and I wouldn’t lie about it. You guys know that.”
 
That was true. Isak hoped nobody would notice his face turning red.
 
“Must’ve been a dream, then,” Mahdi shrugged it off.
 
“Kind of weird that you had a sex dream about me, bro,” Magnus laughed. “Are you falling in love with me?”
 
“I didn’t say it was you. I just said I heard a guy.”
 
Isak slammed his coffee cup down on the counter. “Anyway, I’m going to take a shower.”
 
As he hurried away, he was pretty sure he could see Sana smirking at him from the other side of the room.
 
****
 
14:05
 
The first time Isak tried weed was during his first week of high school. And he’d fucking hated it. Jonas and his ‘super chill’ new best friend Elias had laughed at him for bum-puffing the joint, and Elias had called him a fag for not being able to do it properly. He didn’t even like the feeling of being high. It made him agitated and sluggish at the same time, which was a strange combination. It was like he was no longer fully in control of his own mind or body. He would have been happy never to touch the stuff again after that day. But Jonas loved it. And back then, whatever Jonas wanted to do was what Isak had to do.
 
By the time he met Even, Isak’s relationship with weed had changed somewhat. He’d smoked enough to actually be good at it now (if being good at getting high was possible), and he didn’t get paranoid as often. He even enjoyed it on occasion - though still not as much as he thought he was supposed to. That afternoon, when his best friend suggested they sneak off and finish the last of the stash he’d brought with them, however, he couldn’t really see the harm in it. Better that than sledding or snowshoeing with the girls. He left Even behind at the cabin to work on his school assignments in peace, and set off on a walk with Jonas.
 
They were sitting on a rock together overlooking the lake. The same rock they’d been roasting marshmallows on with Eva during the fall break back in 2015. It felt oddly poetic. His best friend rolled a joint and they passed it back and forth a few times in silence.
 
“Didn’t Mahdi or Magnus want to come?” he asked after some time.
 
“No,” Jonas answered without looking at him. He was being weird. Isak frowned at him.
 
“Do you want to talk about last night?” Jonas asked casually when he handed him the joint.
 
Isak decided to play dumb. “What about it?”
 
“The stuff with Elias.”
 
Of course. He should have known. He took a drag and exhaled deeply into the frozen air.
 
“There’s nothing left to say. You apologised, I forgave you. It’s done.”
 
“But it doesn’t feel like it’s done.”
 
Isak narrowed his eyes as he handed the joint back to him. “What do you mean?”
 
Jonas paused to smoke. “If I were you, I’d be fucking angry at me for what happened.”
 
“You want me to be angry at you?” Isak asked dubiously. 
 
His best friend faced him. “I want you to feel whatever it is you need to feel so we can move on properly.”
 
“That’s crazy,” he laughed. “You’re more crazy than my mum.”
 
He heard Jonas sigh deeply as he shook his head.
 
“Isak, do you remember the day you told me about Even?”
 
Isak rose an eyebrow at him. The day he came out to his best friend? Probably one of the most pivotal days of his life?
 
“Of course.”
 
“Do you know what I was thinking about that entire time?” Jonas paused, as Isak shook his head. “I was thinking, ‘thank fuck he finally wants to let me in’. Because…because to be honest, up until that day, I was scared as shit for you.”
 
The sheer emotion in his voice was alarming. Isak was taken aback.
 
“Your parents split up. Your mum had a breakdown. You got dumped by your girlfriend. Started hanging around Chris Schistad and getting us dragged into fights with the Yakuza guys-”
 
“Only because that guy beat you up,” Isak jumped in, growing increasingly annoyed.
 
“But I didn’t ask you go off on this huge revenge mission, did I? In fact, I told you not to start shit with them. And you did it anyway,” Jonas frowned. “I think…I think you were using me as an excuse to start these fights. Because you were angry. You were angry and you had every right to be.”
 
Isak stared at the ground.
 
“Look, this isn’t about that,” Jonas said. He seemed to remember he still had a joint in his hand. He attempted to hand it to Isak, who shook his head numbly. “When I found out you got kicked out of home-”
 
“I didn’t get kicked out,” Isak said quickly, “I left.”
 
“When I found out you left home, I was really worried some serious shit had gone down. Then you started getting all distant and weird and then out of nowhere you tried to hit Mahdi,” he shook his head, laughing. “Turns out the whole time you were just falling for someone. And that stuff was rough, too, but…I mean, you should have heard some of the scenarios that were playing out in my head before that. My point is, most of this could have been avoided if you tried opening up in the first place.”
 
Isak laughed wryly. “Because telling your best friend you’re gay is so easy? I had no idea how you were going to react. Especially after all that Elias bullshit.”
 
“Of course it wasn’t easy,” Jonas said sadly, “and I know that a large part of that was my fault. That’s why I want you to talk to me about it.”
 
Jonas hadn’t reacted the way Isak had feared. Jonas hadn’t rejected him. Far from it, in fact. It didn’t seem fair to be mad about Elias now…did it?
 
Jonas took a final drag before he stubbed the end of the joint out on the rock.
 
“Isak,” he said evenly, “I sort of already knew. Before you told me about Even, I mean. I knew you were gay.”
 
Isak’s eyes widened. “What?”
 
“Yeah. We met when we were like…what, four, five years old? Of course I knew. After twelve years of being friends with someone, you do pick up on things about them, you know.”
 
It took a few minutes for this to sink in. He knew? Did he know about when Isak used to have a crush on him, too? He was far too ashamed to ask.
 
“You knew, and you never said anything?”
 
“I guess I was waiting for you to tell me. But…you know what sucks about that?” Jonas’ tone turned sharp all of a sudden. “I knew, but I still sat there next to Elias and laughed at his fucking awful gay jokes, and didn’t once give a single thought to how that would make you feel. Until yesterday. And do you know why? Because I thought Elias was cool, and I was stoked about having a new friend who could sell me weed. I was being a piece of shit friend, and I’m so fucking angry at myself because of it. You have no idea.”
 
Isak sat there quietly, listening.
 
“That’s why I want you to get mad at me,” his best friend continued. “Just…let it out, okay? I fucking deserve it.”
 
“Fine!” Isak exclaimed, exasperated. “Maybe I am angry. I’m angry that you used to tell me I only liked gay songs. I’m pissed off that you let Elias shove me around and say I was a fag and treat me like dirt, just because you wanted to get high and be popular. I hate that I had to spend all of first year trying to prove that I was just as manly - just as straight - as you or any other guy at school, by doing things like starting fights and taking drugs and hooking up with girls. And you knew? That whole time, you fucking knew anyway? Fuck you, Jonas!”
 
Once he’d started, he couldn’t stop. Over a year of pent up frustration - probably more - came tumbling out of him. He and Jonas were left to stew in the aftermath of it. Isak breathed thickly, gazing out onto the lake. His first reaction, despite all of it, was a deep sense relief. Like cracking your back and finally getting rid of that twinge in your shoulder that you’d hardly realised was there anymore. Remembering that this was what it felt like not to walk around with pain every day.
 
Then he saw the look on Jonas’ face, and shortly after came the guilt.
 
“I’m sor-”
 
“Don’t you dare apologise,” Jonas cut him off. The expression in his eyes was earnest.
 
They sat next to each other in silence for a while, staring out at the frozen lake. In the distance, Isak could make out the faint outline of some ice-fishers, and wondered absently if it was Magnus and Mahdi.
 
“How do you feel?” Jonas eventually asked him.
 
“Better.”
 
His best friend gave a sad smile. “Good.”
 
It wasn’t the end of it, Isak knew. He’d carry some of those scars with him for the rest of his days. But he did feel lighter.
 
“You’re a good person, Jonas.”
 
The other boy laughed. “I’m not so sure right now.”
 
“You’ve made some mistakes, but you owned up to them, and that took guts,” Isak cast him a sidelong glance. “You have more guts than a lot of people I know.”
 
More guts than he did, at the very least. Isak still hadn’t confessed to Jonas about his involvement in the breakup with Eva. One thing at a time, he rationalised.
 
“Thanks, Isak. You know, you’re my best friend,” Jonas said, laughing. “I don’t know if I’ve ever actually told you that before, but…there you go.”
 
“Oh, this is awkward,” Isak gave a sly grin, “you see Magnus is really more of my best friend, so…”
 
Jonas kicked his foot. “Asshole.”
 
They’d sat next to each other on that very first day of school purely by chance. Because that particular teacher had trouble remembering students’ names, so she liked to organise her class by alphabetical order. Valtersen and Vasquez. Shy little Isak didn’t know a single kid in the school, and then all of a sudden here was a was a boy with curly dark hair and a mischievous grin, asking if he could borrow a pencil, because he’d already lost his own before the class even started. Isak never got that fucking pencil back, but by the end of that day, he had a friend for the first time in his young life.
 
If he could remember the name of that teacher now, he’d go back and thank her.
 
“Jonas?”
 
“Yeah?” the other boy said as he checked his phone.
 
“You’re my best friend, too.”
 
*****

16:56
 
“Look what I found!” Eva said excitedly, emerging into the living room with a beat-up old acoustic guitar.
 
Jonas spluttered, leaning back into the couch beside Isak. “You still have that thing?”
 
“It’s my mum’s,” she rolled her eyes at him, “and it works perfectly fine, you’ll recall.”
 
To Isak’s surprise, she pushed the guitar into Noora’s arms.
 
“Come on, girl. Show us what you got!”
 
Noora blinked at her friend, then gave a shy laugh. “Eva, it’s been a while since I’ve played anything.”
 
Beside her, Even’s interest seemed to perk up. “I didn’t know you play guitar.”
 
“Only a little,” she said embarrassedly. “I taught myself some basics while I was living in Madrid.”
 
“She’s really good,” Eva added smugly, “she’s just being modest.”
 
Even and Noora smiled at each other, and Isak fought against the pang of definite annoyance it brought on. They were just friends. It’s cool. Noora had William, anyway.
 
“Jonas can play too,” he heard himself saying.
 
“Yeah, but I’m shit,” his best friend chuckled. “I never really mastered anything.”
 
“I bet that’s not true,” Even grinned at him.
 
Eva flopped back into the armchair. “Well, one of you play something. Otherwise I will. And I only kind of know ‘Smoke on the Water’.”
 
“Okay, fine,” Noora said as they all laughed.
 
While she tuned, Isak made eyes with Even. The hoodie was still zipped up, the hood still on his head and covering up the hickey, as instructed. If anyone had noticed, they clearly hadn’t commented. The blue colour of it made his eyes look even bluer than normal. He was probably the only person Isak knew who could make literally anything he wore look good.
 
The song Noora picked was one he had heard before - likely on the radio - but didn’t know that well. Eva had been right, though; she was far better than she’d given herself credit for. When she finished, Chris clapped loudly from where she’d been sitting on the floor, causing everyone else to follow her lead. Noora hardly seemed to notice, a distant look in her eyes as she tilted her head down sadly.
 
“Sorry,” she said, shaking herself back to reality, “it’s just…I used to play that for William. It was kind of our song.”
 
A prolonged silence followed.
 
“Well, I thought it was really good,” Chris offered with a kind smile.
 
“Thanks, Chris,” Noora returned the smile, then shook her head, brushing it off. “I’m just being silly. Someone else play something.”
 
“Jonas, I think that’s your queue,” Eva smirked at him.
 
“Are you kidding? I’m not following that,” Jonas shot back.
 
“It’s you, or ‘Smoke on the Water’.”
 
Noora got up and handed him the guitar before he could protest again. HIs best friend seemed uncomfortable as all the attention shifted to him.
 
“Any requests?” he asked meekly.
 
“Oh oh oh, do Justin Bieber!” Noora said, eyes sparkling.
 
“Anything but that,” Isak groaned, with an involuntary shudder.
 
Jonas suddenly got a teasing look in his eye. “Okay, wait, I have one. This goes out to my boy Isak.”
 
Oh. God.
 
It wasn’t long before everyone in the room was singing along loudly to ‘I’m Yours’ and sort of making Isak wish he was dead. None of them really knew the lyrics, so it ended up being a complete mess. Even and Eva were getting into it the most, both staring at him as they belted out the chorus. He folded his arms resolutely, trying to ignore them all. It was hard to stay grumpy, though. They all genuinely seemed to be having a good time, and Jonas had forgotten to be self-conscious. In the end, he gave in and sang the last chorus with them, which made all of them cheer.
 
“Good choice,” Eva giggled as she clapped her hands. “Really good stuff, Jonas.”
 
“Why do you hate that song so much, Isak?” asked Vilde. She, Magnus, Mahdi and Sana had wandered in about halfway through.
 
“Vilde, that’s Isak’s favourite song, what are you talking about?” Jonas answered, struggling to keep it together when he locked eyes with Even.
 
Isak rolled his eyes. “I guess I don’t hate that song.”
 
“Okay,” Jonas shook his head, “anyone else want a go?”
 
They all stared around at each other blankly.
 
“Even can play,” Isak said after a moment, smiling at his boyfriend.
 
“Really?” Noora asked, turning to him.
 
“Not very well,” Even laughed awkwardly.
 
Eva rolled her eyes. “Honestly, how many self-deprecating musicians do we have here?”
 
Jonas handed the guitar back to Noora, who placed it on Even’s lap. Isak wondered if maybe he had done the wrong thing by putting him on the spot like this. The guy did have three guitars in his bedroom, though. He couldn’t exactly be terrible.
 
“What song?” his boyfriend asked the captive audience.
 
“What songs do you know?” replied Noora.
 
“Cheesy songs, mostly.”
 
“More cheesy than what Noora and I just played?” Jonas joked.
 
“Yeah, this crowd is more than fine with cheesy,” Eva encouraged.
 
“Okay,” Even smiled over at him shyly, “I guess I’ll dedicate this to Isak, too.”
 
“Awww!” all the girls said in unison.
 
“Okay, Even, you’re actually starting to make me look bad, now,” Magnus complained, though he was grinning.
 
Even only rose an eyebrow at him in response. He strummed the guitar a few times, changing the tuning slightly. It quickly became apparent that he knew what he was doing with the old thing. What was it about him and guys who played guitar, Isak wondered to himself as he watched. He definitely had a thing for it.
 
Even kept his eyes on his fingers as he played, too nervous to face the rest of the room. Isak was transfixed as nimble fingers deftly plucked the strings. This was nothing like what he was used to, listening to Jonas strum a few chords together, or Noora practicing in the living room. Every note echoed clearly and deeply, with the precision of someone who had played this a thousand times before. Isak had never heard it before, but it was the perfect song. The perfect Even song. Soulful and sad and raw. Complex. Real. Capable of making Isak feel things he wasn’t able to describe.
 
His boyfriend began to sing in a low voice. To Isak, each word was intensely…clear. A message from Even to the world (or perhaps just to him) about so much of what he had to live with every day. A reminder that although their life had returned to normalcy, it wouldn’t always be this way. His heart felt heavy - because in those few minutes, he could feel the weight of the anguish Even had to carry with him beneath the surface. Because he loved him so completely, and that made him happy and sad and everything all at once.
 
“So yeah,” Even said awkwardly when he finished, letting the guitar rest in his lap.
 
“Wow, that was…something,” Jonas spoke first, grinning over at Isak. It made him jump. For a while, he’d forgotten anyone else was in the room.
 
“Yeah, think I need to learn to play guitar,” Mahdi said firmly as he looked over the girls, who were practically swooning.
 
“Even, what song was that?” asked Vilde. “I really like it.”
 
Even smiled at her. “‘Sensible Heart’, by City and Colour.”
 
“Hardly a cheesy song,” Eva scoffed.
 
“Depends what your definition of cheesy is,” Even replied.
 
“You definitely upstaged us,” said Noora, as Jonas nodded. “You’re very talented.”
 
“No, I just have a lot of spare time to practice.”
 
Sana sighed heavily. “Even, will you just take the damn compliment already?”
 
“Okay, sorry,” Even rubbed the back of his head. “Thanks, Noora.”
 
As he did so, the hood fell back slightly, revealing more of his neck. The hickey was looking even bigger and uglier than it had that morning, if it was possible. Isak froze when he noticed Noora do a double take.
 
“Uh, Even…” she gaped at the purple spot.
 
Realising what he’d done, Even hastily pulled the hoodie back up, but it was too late. Jonas was glancing back and forth between him and Isak, mouth open like an idiot.
 
“Fucking hell, is that a hickey?” Eva leaned forward in her armchair.
 
Even only laughed, covering the mark with his hand. Isak pulled up his own hood and shrunk back into it, hoping it would somehow make him invisible.
 
“Hey Even, we’re twins,” said Magnus happily. He pulled back his shirt slightly to reveal more of the  bruise he’d been proudly displaying since yesterday.
 
“Are you all seriously blind?” Sana sniggered. “I noticed that thing this morning. He wasn’t even trying to cover it up that badly.”
 
“Wait, did you have that yesterday?” asked Mahdi. He was slowly putting two-and-two together, it seemed.
 
Even smirked. He was actually enjoying this, Isak realised. Bastard.
 
“Well, I guess that explains your ‘dream’, Mahdi,” Noora laughed. “You should count yourself lucky. I live with them and I’ve heard a lot worse.”
 
Isak audibly groaned.
 
“At least you were quiet…ish,” Jonas shrugged, grinning. He actually looked a little proud of him.
 
“Yeah, unlike some,” Chris nudged Vilde next to her.
 
Accepting that it was futile, Even lowered his hand, displaying the full extent of the damage.
 
“Wow, it’s huge,” Vilde gasped.
 
Eva looked like she was about to burst.
 
“Eva…” Isak said warningly.
 
“…That’s what Isak said last night!” she finally blurted out.
 
Okay, Isak thought as he laughed along with everyone else, even he had to pay that one.
 
*****
 
21:07
 
“I’m so bored,” Chris complained, reclining back into the couch. “We should play a game.”
 
“Spin the bottle!” Eva exclaimed from her spot on the floor, throwing both hands in the air. She and Vilde had started on the wine after the dinner, and the effects were showing.
 
Everyone immediately vetoed that idea.
 
“How about ‘Never Have I Ever’?” suggested Vilde.
 
Jonas groaned. “What are we, twelve?”
 
“Jonas just doesn’t want to have to admit to all the weird, kinky stuff he’s done,” Magnus teased. He was sitting behind his girlfriend again, supporting her weight against his chest.
 
“Fuck it, I’m up for it,” Chris shrugged. “I’m an open book. I’ve got nothing to hide.”
 
Chris had sort of freaked Isak out, back when she had an obvious thing for him in first year. But after this trip, he was starting to like her. He’d never met anyone so comfortable in their own skin before, except maybe Eskild.
 
“I think I’m drunk enough for that,” Eva added, giggling.
 
“I’m definitely not,” Mahdi said as he opened another beer. He skulled half of it in an impressively short amount of time. “Okay, maybe now.”
 
Isak turned to the boy sitting beside him. Even had given up wearing the hood now, the mark on his neck displayed proudly for the world to see. He’d been drinking, but was taking it much slower than everyone else seemed to be. He smiled when he felt Isak’s eyes on him - that beautifully warm smile that was like the sun.
 
“We’re not playing, okay?” Isak told him quietly. He hated ‘Never Have I Ever’. In the past he’d lied his way through pretty much all of it, claiming to have had sex with dozens of girls; in reality he was a stone cold virgin who couldn’t have been less interested in touching all the boobs he’d allegedly touched. If it was any consolation, he imagined most of the guys he’d played with were lying too. How many middle school students actually had threesomes?
 
Even touched his arm lightly. “Whatever’s fine with me.”
 
“No way,” Jonas said from Isak’s other side, “if I’m getting dragged into this, the rest of you are too.”
 
“Yeah, we’re sitting this out as well,” Noora said from the other couch with Sana. “We don’t drink anyway, so there’s no point.”
 
“Everyone is playing,” said Eva. “You two can drink water and just pretend it’s vodka.”
 
Noora and Sana looked at each other and shrugged. If even they were joining, Isak had no hope of getting out of it.
 
“I’ll go first,” Vilde said excitedly, “never have I ever…hooked up at school.”
 
Isak cringed as images of those sloppy, public, ‘hey look everyone I’m straight!’ make-out sessions with Sara came to mind. Did he mention that he hated this game? He rolled his eyes and drank along with nearly everybody else. Only Sana, Vilde and Magnus refrained.
 
“Okay, first day of school next week,” Magnus said to Vilde, who nodded seriously.
 
Eva sighed heavily. “Magnus, it’s your turn.”
 
“I don’t know,” his friend said with furrowed brows, “there’s so much to choose from.”
 
“That’s because Magnus has never done anything,” Mahdi smirked as everyone sniggered.
 
“Never have I ever been pissed off at Mahdi,” Magnus scowled, then took a large swig of his beer.
 
“Babe, you can’t do that!” Vilde looked up at him in annoyance. “You have to pick something you’ve never done.”
 
“We didn’t exactly establish rules around this, Vilde,” Noora pointed out.
 
“Fine, I’ll pick another one,” Magnus waved her protests away. “Never have I ever…walked in on someone having sex.”
 
Jonas and Eva stared pointedly at Isak until he finally gave in and drank. Even put a hand over his mouth to hide his amusement, so Isak nudged him in the ribs.
 
“Even and Isak?” asked Chris when she noticed Noora drinking as well.
 
Noora shook her head firmly. “Eskild. It’s pretty much a weekly thing at this point. Oh, and my parents.”
 
There was a collective shudder across the room.
 
“I guess that’s one benefit of having divorced parents,” Eva cringed. “I don’t ever have to think that they could be doing it right now.”
 
“Count your blessings,” Even said seriously.
 
The mention of divorce gave Isak a sudden, sinking feeling in stomach. He took another drink for good measure.
 
“I guess it’s my turn?” Noora looked to Eva for confirmation, who nodded. “I don’t know…Never have I ever hooked up with a girl, then.”
 
“Noora, that’s not very excite-” Jonas began, but stopped short when he saw Eva and Vilde each take a drink. They grinned over their glasses of wine and pointed at each other happily.
 
“So there is a god,” Magnus breathed, mouth hanging open.
 
Vilde rolled her eyes. “It’s not that big of a deal, Magnus.”
 
“Chris, you too?” Eva asked in amazement.
 
Her friend shrugged as she put her wine back down. “I have a life outside of this group, you know.”
 
What the fuck?
 
“Could all of you stop gawking like that?” Sana said, amused. “Surely, you boys have hooked up with girls, too?”
 
They all mumbled something incoherent and drank their beers.
 
“So…was that like a one-time thing for all of you, or…?” Mahdi asked, perhaps a little hopefully.
 
Eva narrowed her eyes at him. “Sana, it’s your go.”
 
Sana glanced around the room, then stunned them all by coming up with something strangely serious.
 
“Never have I ever been in love before.”
 
What followed was quite possibly the most awkward round of ‘Never Have I Ever’ in history - more so than any crass sex question could have hoped to be. Eva and Jonas both drank, their eyes meeting for just a second before they both glanced away hurriedly. Noora lowered her head and sipped her water, getting that same sad look in her eyes as when she played guitar. Chris finished off the last of her wine and poured another. Vilde held her glass to her lips as well, but stopped when she realised that Magnus wasn’t drinking anything. She lowered it back down again, cheeks burning red.
 
“Oh fuck,” Magnus exploded suddenly, “I spaced out there for a second.”
 
He picked up his beer and skulled it, and Vilde looked as though she’d just won the lottery.
 
“You love me??”
 
Magnus gave her the most sincere smile. “Yeah, I think so.”
 
Vilde downed the rest of her wine and threw her arms around his neck. “I love you too!”
 
“But you guys have been together for less than a week,” Mahdi began, but sighed when they started making out. “Okay, whatever.”
 
Isak had been so distracted by all this that he hadn’t noticed Even watching him carefully. There was a weird kind of intensity in his blue eyes. The kind Isak had seen before, but couldn’t quite name. He wondered if he should drink. If he was being honest, he would have finished the entire six pack in front of him, and more. But Even wasn’t drinking…Even wasn’t doing anything. And he couldn’t stand the thought of declaring his love by downing way too much beer, only to have his boyfriend freak out.
 
Fuck ‘Never Have I Ever’. Seriously.
 
“You’ve never been in love, Sana?” Isak turned to his friend instead.
 
She shrugged. “I’ve never met anyone who seemed all that special.”
 
“Me either,” Mahdi said in kind, “at least not yet.”
 
“Wouldn’t it be great if you two fell in love with each other?” Vilde beamed brightly.
 
Sana and Mahdi looked at each other across the room and spluttered.
 
“What?” Vilde pouted. “I think it would be nice.”
 
“Jonas, save us from this conversation, please,” Mahdi begged.
 
“I hate this game,” Jonas muttered as he cracked open another drink. At least there was one sensible person in the room. “I can never think of anything.”
 
“Sure you can,” Chris urged him. “What’s something weird or kinky that you’ve never done, but think someone here might have?”
 
“Fine!” Jonas said, frustrated. “Never have I ever done anal.”
 
Isak was already drinking when he said this, and choked a little bit of beer back out into the can. Beside him, he heard Even laugh, but it sounded somewhat half-hearted. He drank as well nonetheless.
 
“That was deliberately targeting me, wasn’t it?” Isak frowned at his best friend.
 
“It wasn’t, I swear!” Jonas exclaimed. “I didn’t even think of it. Anyway, look, Chris is drinking too.”
 
So she was, Isak realised. As Mahdi had said the night before, what even was her life?
 
“What’s anal like?” Vilde asked her, curiously.
 
Chris shrugged. “It hurts a bit but it can be fun.”
 
“My turn,” Isak said abruptly, eager to change the subject. “Never have I ever had sex in a public place.”
 
This time, Eva and Jonas actually smiled at each other a little as they drank. And Chris drank yet again.
 
“Does Iben’s bathroom count as a public place?” asked Magnus, genuinely uncertain.
 
“If it does, then I need to drink too,” said Mahdi.
 
“Wow, with the Midori girl?” Magnus grinned. “Nice, bro.”
 
Even was playing with the label on his beer bottle, a bit self-conscious.
 
“Sonja?” Isak asked him softly, in response to his unspoken answer.
 
“Uh no, not exactly,” Even gave him a tiny smile and took a sip.
 
Isak fought to keep his cool. He wasn’t going to let this bother him. It was not going to bother him.
 
“Let’s keep it rolling, people!” Eva said as she made a turning gesture with her arms. She was getting close to the point of too much wine. “Even, it’s your go.”
 
“Okay,” Even smiled at her. “Never have I ever been in a fight.”
 
“Well I don’t know if it counts, but I did get slapped in the face once,” said Eva, taking a tiny sip.
 
“Oh yeah, in first year,” Magnus pondered. “I think I helped to break that up.”
 
Sana had some of her water. Mahdi, Jonas and Isak all drank as well.
 
“It’s a long story,” Isak explained to his boyfriend’s questioning stare.
 
“Never have I ever,” Mahdi said from the armchair when he realised it was his turn, “cheated on someone.”
 
Eva sighed heavily and drank along with Jonas. Even sipped his drink as well.
 
“I cheated on Sonja with Isak,” he explained, when a few people shot him strange looks.
 
This was officially becoming torture.
 
“Never have I ever,” Eva said dejectedly, “been glad I agreed to play ‘Never Have I Ever’.”
 
“Eva,” Chris complained, “you skipped me. I had a good one, too.”
 
“I think it’s fun,” said Vilde. “We’re all getting to know each other, aren’t we?”
 
“One last one, then,” Noora compromised. “Chris, what was your good one?”
 
“Never have I ever,” Chris said proudly, “lied during a game of ‘Never Have I Ever’.”
 
It was a good one. She’d just gifted them all with a ‘get out of jail free’ card. They all finished off their drinks happily, laughing.
 
***
 
22:47
 
Isak was making his way back from the bathroom when Even came down the corridor in the other direction. He barely had time to think before his boyfriend grabbed his hand, silently leading him back down and into the bathroom again.
 
“Even, what are you doing?” he asked, as the other boy locked the door.
 
Even rose both eyebrows at him. “I feel like a shower.”
 
He stripped off his clothes in the centre of the room and turned on the hot water. Let it run for a few seconds before looking back over his shoulder at Isak, one foot in. His naked form proudly on display.
 
“Coming?”
 
Isak realised his mouth had fallen open slightly. He licked his lips before he closed them. Nervous habit. With a small nod, he took off the snapback he was wearing and lifted his shirt up over his head. His clothes fell into a small pile on the floor. Even extended a hand to him and pulled him in under the water after him.
 
“Life with you is never going to be boring, is it?” he mused aloud, as the warm water drizzled over his skin.
 
Even smiled. “I hope not.”
 
He grabbed a bottle of shampoo off the shelf, inspecting the label before squirting some of it into his hands. He rubbed them together, then began running his fingers through Isak’s hair. Isak felt his eyes drift close as Even massaged his scalp.
 
“So,” he heard his boyfriend say as he worked, “you were in a fight once.”
 
It was a statement, not a question.
 
“More than once,” Isak gave a wry laugh. “Actually, this isn’t the first time it’s come up today.”
 
Even didn’t say anything, but turned him around to access the back of his head better. Isak found himself elaborating anyway.
 
“It started when some guys beat Jonas up at a party. I sort of went on a revenge mission.”
 
“John Wick style?” his boyfriend asked teasingly.
 
Isak smirked. “Less epic. Noora’s boyfriend William, and some of his friends, got involved. William glassed some guy with a bottle once, during russefeiring. That sort of brought an end to it. For a little while, everyone thought he’d go to jail.”
 
He felt Even tug him slightly so that he was under the water, then rinsed the shampoo off his head.
 
“Did you ever get hurt?” His boyfriend asked once he’d finished. Isak turned back around to face him. There was deep concern in his eyes.
 
“Nothing serious,” he tried to reassure him, but Even seemed doubtful. “I don’t do it anymore. Get into fights, I mean. I was a lot angrier then.”
 
“Angrier?”
 
Isak looked at his toes. The water swirled around the drain near them. “It was around the time my dad left us.”
 
Even didn’t ask him to elaborate, thankfully. He picked up some soap, rubbed it into his hands, before running them across Isak’s shoulders, back and chest.
 
“I realised something,” he said, “when we were playing ‘Never Have I Ever’ with the others.”
 
“That it’s a terrible game?”
 
Even expelled a breath of laughter. “I realised we don’t know that much about each other.”
 
“I don’t think that’s true,” Isak protested. “You know me better than anyone. Except maybe Jonas.”
 
“We do and we don’t,” Even gave him a sad smile. “But the other day, when I told you that I want to know everything about you…I meant that.”
 
“Yeah,” Isak answered softly, “I meant it too.”
 
“Is there anything you want to know about me?”
 
Isak mulled it over in his head. He rinsed the soap off himself before taking some more and washing Even’s arms and chest.
 
“Um, you don’t have to answer this,” he said meekly, distracting himself with Even’s biceps, “but…how many people have you been with?”
 
“Including you?” asked Even, to which Isak nodded. “Five.”
 
“Five?” It didn’t seem like much, but considering that he was only nineteen, and had been in a relationship for four years…
 
Even nodded. “You and Sonja, obviously. Then there was the girl I lost my virginity to when I was fourteen. We dated for like, three months. Then not long before I turned eighteen, Sonja and I went on a break. And there were two guys.”
 
Isak tried to act neutral as he soaped Even’s chest. “Oh.”
 
“Was that more than you wanted to know?” Even asked with concern.
 
“No, it’s fine,” Isak replied. He had asked, after all. “Did Sonja know about them?”
 
“Yeah, it was all out in the open,” Even answered. “The break was her idea. There was a guy at her work she was sort of into, and she wanted to work out if she had feelings for him or not. And I was trying to figure out what my sexuality was. I knew I was attracted to men, but I’d never been with one. So I took the chance to experiment.”
 
Isak took a moment to process this.
 
“But…but you got back together with Sonja?”
 
“We did, after a couple of months apart. Sonja said the thing with the guy from work had just been a fling - something she needed to get out of her system. I told her about what I’d done and she took it surprisingly chill. I don’t think she saw it as a threat. She thought I was just going through a phase.”
 
He stepped under the water, and the soap slid down his skin and into the drain.
 
“I think that relationship was a bit of a safety blanket, for both of us,” he admitted. “It was all we really knew, so we were scared to leave each other. Towards the end, though, we were making each other fucking miserable.”
 
He reached for the shampoo and lathered some into his hair.
 
“Turn around,” Isak urged him gently. He began massaging his scalp when he did so, standing on his toes a little to reach the top. “So…what were the two guys like?”
 
He heard Even laugh. “One of them was an older guy I met on the tram. He went to UiO, I think. He used to get alcohol and weed for me. The other one was a high school guy I met on Grindr. We used to meet in the park between our high schools. He kept telling me he was straight and he didn’t normally do things like this…even though we hooked up a bunch of times.”
 
“So you had Grindr,” Isak laughed to himself. Of course.
 
“Only for a little while. I deleted it when Sonja and I got back together.”
 
He rinsed the shampoo off under the water.
 
“One last question,” he said once Even had finished. They had come this far, already.
 
His boyfriend smiled and waited expectantly.
 
“Did you…did you love any of them?” he asked, feeling himself blush.
 
Even appeared to consider this thoughtfully. “I think I loved Sonja. By the end I don’t know if you could call it that anymore, but for a while I think…yeah, it was love.”
 
Isak had assumed as much. Four years was a long time. Of course they had loved each other.
 
“But…that’s all?” Isak’s heart began to beat faster. He wan’t angling for anything here. Not at all. It was a fair enough question.
 
“The others were just flings,” Even gave him a reassuring smile.
 
“Okay,” Isak looked at the drain again, “yeah. I get that.”
 
He felt Even’s arm snake around his waist, tugging him towards the water. His face lifted instinctively, seconds before soft, wet lips pressed against his.
 
“The way I feel about you…” Even pressed their chests together as he spoke, so that they were looking over each other’s shoulders. Isak could feel the vibrations of the words in Even’s throat, “…it’s not like anything else.”
 
He had that same tone in his voice as that morning in the kitchen, when he’d made breakfast for the first time. He’d been so cheerful and silly, then all of a sudden serious. I’ve never felt like this before.
 
“Do you…do you understand what I’m trying to tell you?”
 
Isak wrapped his arms around his boyfriends back and closed his eyes. Felt Even’s heart pounding against his chest, as the water cascaded over them.
 
“I think so.”
 
***
 
Friday, 6 January 2017
 
17:25
 
The trip back from the cabin in 2015 was what Isak imagined the ninth circle of hell to be. Eva and Jonas weren’t speaking to each other. Elias was talking too much. And every minute of the two-hour journey had been excruciating.
 
This trip was a vast improvement. They weren’t all exactly the best of friends, yet, but it was a start. When Isak had started high school as a trio with Jonas and Eva, he hadn’t imagined how much their social circle would expand in the course of 18 months. It was nice, being on a bus of loud, joking, bickering people. It felt like belonging to something.
 
Back in Oslo, they parted ways, with Noora, Even and Isak walking back to the Kollektiv together. Eskild was waiting to greet them when they walked in.
 
“So, how was it?” he asked brightly. He patted the spot on the couch next to him and Noora dropped into it.
 
“We played ‘Never Have I Ever’,” she told him with a frown.
 
“Oh dear,” Eskild’s expression fell, “when will you children learn? Who hates who now?”
 
“Nobody! At least I don’t think so. But there were some awkward ones. ‘Never have I ever had sex in public’, ‘Never have I ever done anal’-”
 
Eskild snorted at that.
 
“-‘Never have I ever been in love’, um…” Noora trailed away.
 
“So I imagine you were all pretty drunk by the end of it, then,” his housemate teased. “Especially Isak.”
 
“Why are you picking on me?” Isak protested as Even grinned. “I only drank to one of those.”
 
“And which one would that be?” Eskild smirked.
 
Isak narrowed his eyes at him. “Take a guess.”
 
“Wait, so not ‘Never have I ever been…’,” Eskild trailed away suddenly, while Noora awkwardly lowered her eyes.
 
Even pulled himself up out of the couch. “I think I’m going to go to the bathroom.”
 
An uncomfortable silence fell over the room as he left. Where the hell did that come from? Something was definitely wrong.
 
“Do you think he’s mad at me for something?” Isak asked worriedly, looking directly at the older boy.
 
Eskild stared at him in disbelief for a second before rubbing his eyes.
 
“Oh, my poor naive little buddy,” he sighed, “you are so fucking dense sometimes.”
 
He was about to argue when he felt the phone in his pocket buzz loudly.
 
“Hold that thought,” he said distractedly as he picked it up. The last name he’d ever expected to see flashed across the screen.
 
Lea V.
 
They hadn’t spoken in months. He’d tried messaging her a few times after he left home, mostly to make sure she knew he was safe and to let her know she could come stay with him if she ever needed to. Not once had he ever received a reply. He was momentarily frozen, listening to his ‘The World Is Yours’ ringtone play out a few times before he finally accepted the call.
 
“Hello?” his voice cracked when he spoke, and it sounded almost prepubescent. He noticed Eskild and Noora exchange a glance.
 
“Hi, Isak.”
 
The girl on the other end of the line was practically a stranger. She sounded so grown up. Perhaps he wouldn’t even recognise her now if he saw her.
 
He had no idea what he was supposed to say.
 
“Look, sorry, I just didn’t know who else to call.”
 
There were pots and pans clattering around somewhere in the background.
 
“What’s up?” he asked her, trying to remain calm.
 
She appeared to hesitate a second, before…
 
“It’s Mum. She’s freaking out - something about Dad - and I don’t…don’t think I can handle it,” she said, the fear rising with every word. “You need to come home.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Saturday, 7 January 2017

11:36

“So, first day back at school on Monday.”
 
Even blinked at the man sitting across from him, urging himself to try and pay attention to what was being said. He imagined Isak in his head clearly, sitting underneath his legs on the couch at the cabin, grinning at him and mouthing ‘focus’. Yes, it was good advice. Focus, Even.
 
“I guess so,” he eventually gave a non-committal answer.
 
Kåre gave him a half smile and rested an elbow on his armrest, reaching up to scratch his beard. He’d been growing it out over the holidays, Even had realised as soon as he walked in. Didn’t look half bad, either. He would have complimented him on it, but…well, that was the thing. There was just never really a good time to make small talk in the middle of therapy.
 
“I imagine that’s been weighing on your mind a lot.”
 
Even shrugged. “I can’t say I haven’t been thinking about it. But I think it will be different to last time.”
 
“You mean the last time you wanted to go back to school after having a bipolar crisis,” Kåre said bluntly.
 
Even had tried a number of different psychotherapists before he had found Kåre. The man could come across as quite detached and brusque at times, but his directness had appealed to Even. He never tried to sugarcoat anything, or to talk down to him, or protect his feelings. He just told it like it is. It could be brutal at times, but he’d gotten a lot more out of their sessions together than he would have otherwise. It wasn’t like this was supposed to be fun.
 
“Yes, that’s what I meant.”
 
Kåre removed his glasses, frowning at the fogginess of the lens before wiping them with a cloth. “Care to elaborate?”
 
“Well,” Even stared at his hands as he spoke, “I have a better support network than I did last time. At Bakka, I only really had Sonja, after…after what happened. At Nissen, I have Isak, and all of his friends, who I’ve been getting to know.”
 
Kåre nodded encouragingly. “You sound a lot more positive about going back than you did before the Christmas break.”
 
“It’s been a good week. I spent New Year’s Eve with them. Then we went on a cabin trip over the last three days. That’s why I had to reschedule my appointment,” Even explained. “It was fun. It felt like…well, sort of like being part of something again? If that makes sense.”
 
He honestly hadn’t realised how much he’d missed being part of a group. For so long now, he’d been more or less on his own. Sure, he’d had Sonja - and a few of her friends, but he’d never fully clicked with them.
 
Kåre was smiling at him. He made a few quick notes with his pen.
 
“Of course it makes sense. As humans, we all need to feel like we belong somewhere. It’s necessary for us to survive, so it’s intrinsically tied to our happiness,” he said. “I’m glad you feel like you’ve found that at Nissen. I recall us talking about how you felt disconnected from the place. Like you couldn’t really make it your own.”
 
“I guess I still saw myself as a student at Elvebakken. I didn’t really want to make an effort to try and fit in at Nissen. Or get to know anyone there.”
 
Except for Isak, he added privately. But of course, that was different.
 
“I think perhaps you were feeling ashamed of yourself for repeating the third year. And concerned that if you allowed yourself to get close to somebody at school again, your experience at Elvebakken would repeat itself.”
 
Even nodded meekly. Brutally honest Kåre strikes again.
 
“But it didn’t repeat itself,” he continued. “As you already said, this time is different. You overcame some of those fears you had, and allowed yourself to let people in again. Now it’s paying off. And you’re still on track to graduate. Personally, I think you should be very proud.”
 
Even felt himself grinning.
 
“Jeez, Kåre, don’t get too emotional. You’ll make me blush.”
 
The corners of his therapist’s lips turned upward slightly, despite trying to remain professional. “I’m glad you’re making jokes again, too.”
 
He did feel proud, the more that he thought about it. He had pulled himself out of depression. He was going back to school. He had caught up on all his classes. He had an amazing boyfriend and a new group of friends. Sometimes the obstacles seemed so great that it was hard to appreciate smaller victories. When he looked at them all together, it felt like he’d accomplished a lot.
 
“Is there anything in particular about going back to school that’s troubling you?” Kåre asked. “Anything you’d like to talk about today that you’re worried about happening on Monday?”
 
Even pondered this as he stared at the pot plant in the corner of the room. It was fake, of course. What was it with psychologists and having fake foliage in their offices? It was like it was mandatory, or something.
 
“Let me rephrase that,” Kåre said. “As an exercise, could you describe the worst thing you can imagine happening when you go back?”
 
The first thing Even thought about, if he was being honest, was Isak. Isak not being at school. Isak being in trouble or distressed after this weekend, and Even not being able to help. He pushed those thoughts out of his mind. That wasn’t the answer Kåre wanted. He was supposed to be thinking about his own issues, not his boyfriend’s. Focus, dammit.
 
“I guess other people not being sympathetic - no, that’s the wrong word - understanding about the fact that I had a manic episode,” he settled on. “Or, people wanting to gossip and finding out that I’m a psycho.”
 
Kåre surveyed him over the top of his glasses. “Even, we’ve talked about this before. Do you really think it’s okay to call yourself a psycho?”
 
“Of course not,” Even said hastily. He really didn’t think he could have this conversation again. “I’m…just pre-empting what I know I’m going to hear, anyway.”
 
“And why would you do that?”
 
Why indeed, Even thought wryly. He pictured all the times he had been called crazy. Mental. Insane. Psycho.
 
“I guess it makes it harder for it to hurt,” he considered. “If I’m convinced that everyone thinks of me as the crazy gay guy, I’m preparing myself to hear the worst.”
 
Kåre made another note. “And on a scale of one to ten, how anxious would you say that thought makes you? The thought that somebody might say hurtful things to you on Monday?”
 
“Probably about a six?” he answered, with a degree of uncertainty. “Or like, seven? Now that I’m thinking about it, it’s making it worse.”
 
He laughed nervously, but Kåre clearly wasn’t going to let up.
 
“It’s normal to be anxious, given what you’ve been through,” he said. “I just don’t want that anxiety to become your default. What’s making it worse isn’t just the thought of hearing something hurtful said about you, but the assumption that it will happen. We need to work on getting rid of that assumption.”
 
“Of course I’m assuming,” Even rationalised. “Look what happened to me at Bakka. I had people calling and messaging me to find out just how crazy I was. I lost all my friends. I had to delete all my social media.”
 
“But,” Kåre said slowly, “you just said that this time is different.”
 
Well, he had him there.
 
“I’d like to see that anxiety much lower. I’d like to see you walk into school on Monday as the best version of yourself. In order for that to happen, I think we should spend the rest of today’s session focusing on some techniques you can use to help manage your fears and concerns. Because the more you think that other people will see you in a negative light, the more likely it is that you’ll start to see yourself that way, too.”
 
Even had never thought about it that way before. He’d thought he was so far past all of that. That all the therapy and the love and support from his family was enough to eradicate any self-hate surrounding his sexuality or his mental health. But perhaps those scars ran deeper than he realised. Perhaps they were manifesting in a more subtle way.
 
He was proud of being pansexual and he knew that there was absolutely nothing wrong with loving or desiring a man. But when he’d tried to kiss his best friend, and was rejected not just romantically, but in terms of everything he was, he’d honestly wanted to kill himself. And nearly had.
 
He had come to accept being bipolar as an intrinsic part of his identity, for better or worse. But when Isak had told him that he was better off without mentally ill people in his life, his heart still broke into a million pieces.
 
Kåre was right. He couldn’t let any anxiety from his past fuck up his future. Especially when that future had been looking so bright lately.
 
“Okay, Kåre,” he said as light-heartedly as he could muster, “I’m ready for your techniques. Lay them on me.”
 
The older man smirked a little, then shook his head fondly.
 
****

12:39

Even fought against surprise when he found his mother waiting in reception, once Kåre had walked him out. She’d dropped him off to the appointment that morning, but he hadn’t expected her to wait around for the whole hour. She put away her book when he approached her, beaming brightly.
 
“I thought we could go for a milkshake,” she told him, before he even had to ask.
 
Even felt himself smile. “Fuck, we haven’t done that in a while.”
 
It was something of a tradition of theirs, after he was diagnosed and first started going to therapy. His mother would collect him and they’d find a nearby cafe to sit in. The quieter and more isolated, the better. She would order for them, and then they would sit opposite each other - more often than not in silence - while she would read and he would just stare out the window and process the session he’d just had. That way he could be alone, without really being alone. Sometimes, they’d stay there for hours, if that was what he needed. Now that he was older, and mostly took himself to and from appointments, the tradition had sort of fallen by the wayside.
 
Lise sighed as she stood up.
 
“Watch your language, Even,” she said, somewhat halfheartedly.
 
“Because you weren’t swearing at Donald Trump on the radio news this morning,” he couldn’t resist replying with a smirk.
 
She nudged him in the arm as they walked to the door. “Oh hush.”
 
They made their way to the usual place - or what used to be their usual place - and took a back corner table. His mother placed the order and then took out her book again, settling back in her chair. Even was left alone to be with his thoughts…which inevitably turned to his boyfriend. Isak had left the Kollektiv with very little warning last night, giving some vague explanation about a ‘family issue’ before grabbing his unpacked bag from the cabin trip and dashing out the door. Even had waited up for him in his bedroom, until he ended up passing out and waking up the next morning. And still no Isak. He’d texted, but didn’t get any reply. By the time his mum arrived to take him to therapy, he’d barely been able to concentrate.
 
Though ‘family issue’ could mean many things when it came to Isak, the urgency with which he left made Even suspect it was related to his mother. The mother Isak hadn’t wanted to discuss with him at all since he’d called her nuts. What could have happened to send him running off into the night like that? What the hell was Even supposed to do?
 
“Mum?” he eventually found himself asking.
 
Lise glanced up at him over her book, startled. As far as he could recall, he hadn’t ever spoken to her before during post-therapy milkshakes.
 
“Yes, honey?”
 
“Do you remember,” he said slowly, “when you said that I should be there for Isak, but give him space when he needs it too?”
 
His mother placed her book down on the table, regarding him curiously. “Yes?”
 
“What if he’s pushing me away…but I’m worried that he really needs help?”
 
“Did something happen?” Lise frowned.
 
Even relayed the story of last night to her. Lise listened attentively, stirring the straw around her milkshake at the same time.
 
“So you think he’s gone back home to see his mother?”
 
“I’m pretty sure,” Even answered. He hoped it was okay that he was telling her all this. He knew Lise would never say anything, but still.
 
“Well…” she stared into her milkshake as she spoke, nodding to herself, “…fuck.”
 
When she lifted her eyes again they both gave a small laugh, though it was fairly humourless.
 
“I’m really not sure what I’m supposed to do,” he admitted. “I don’t think he wants me to do anything, but I can’t ignore these family problems that keep coming up forever. And I’m worried about him. I’m worried that something bad happened to his mum, and he feels like he has to deal with it all alone. I don’t want the person I…I don’t want him to feel that way.”
 
He almost said ‘the person I love’, but stopped just short of it. Lise didn’t react immediately, reaching over once she was sure he’d finished speaking to touch his hand.
 
“I’m shit at this,” he told her with a wan smile. “When I was with Sonja, she always made me feel like I was the one who needed her help, not the other way around.”
 
“Honey, Sonja was a controlling bitch,” his mum said out of seemingly nowhere.
 
“What?” Even gaped at her. All through the period where they’d been breaking up and he’d been getting together with Isak, his parents had remained completely neutral. They’d never given any sign that they didn’t like his ex-girlfriend.
 
Lise sighed. “I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to say that. Sonja is a nice enough girl, and I know for a while she used to make you happy. But, honestly, she could really just…rub me up the wrong way sometimes. She used to think she knew what’s best for you, without ever seeming to ask your opinion. And the way she’d roll her eyes or act superior if she thought you were making a bad decision…Again, I’m sorry, but it used to drive me and your father nuts.”
 
“I thought you’d like that I was dating someone who looked out for me,” said Even, genuinely perplexed.
 
“There’s a difference between looking out for someone, and being overbearing,” his mother replied. “With Sonja, it always seemed to come from a place of wanting to make all your decisions for you. The implication being that she knew better than you did. I’m sorry if I’m getting it all wrong. It’s just what I observed when she used to come over.”
 
“No,” he sighed, “you pretty much nailed it. That was the main reason why our relationship failed, I think.”
 
His mother smiled sadly. “With you and Isak, I don’t get that impression at all. And I know you haven’t been together for that long yet, but the relationship seems a lot more…equal? For instance, I couldn’t imagine Isak looking down on you and telling you what to do. And it’s good that you feel like you need to help him, because I know he’s helped you too. You two look after each other. It’s healthy. You’ve got a good thing going there, I think.”
 
“Thanks, Mum,” Even said earnestly, grinning at her.
 
“And you’re not shit at helping him, by the way. Chances are you’ve done a lot more for him than you realise, just by offering,” she patted his hand again. “He’ll open up to you when he’s ready. You’ve reached out to him; for now, that’s all you can do.”
 
“How did I end up with a mother so young and yet so wise?” he asked, half-jokingly.
 
“You were blessed, I guess?” Lise laughed. “Since we’re talking, how are you feeling about school tomorrow?”
 
“Fine…well, as fine as I can be,” Even conceded. “I talked about it a lot with Kåre in therapy today. I think it’s going to be okay. And…I’m thinking about trying to join a russ buss.”
 
“Really?” his mother’s eyes sparkled. “That’s great, Even!”
 
“Yeah, well, I more or less got forced into it by some of Isak’s friends. They made some good points, though.”
 
“Sounds like it was a good cabin trip, in more ways than one,” Lise smirked, eyeing the spot on his neck just below his scarf. It was the first thing she’d commented on when he got into the car that morning.
 
Even sighed heavily. “You’re not going to get over that any time soon, are you?”
 
“Sorry, sweetheart,” she giggled, “it’s just so fucking funny.”
 
“Language,” he muttered as he sipped his milkshake, trying not to laugh too.
 
***

Sunday, 8 January, 2017

21:39

When his dad had suggested they do a ‘Seinfeld’ binge that afternoon, Even really couldn’t think of anything better to do. They were well and truly into it when he finally received a response to the text he’d sent Isak that morning.

I’m okay. My mum is sick, so I’m staying at her place for a while.

As he thought of what he should write back, he found himself envying the fact that Jerry Seinfeld and friends never had to deal with how to script the perfect, poignant and meaningful text message to a significant other. Simpler times.

I hope she’s going to be alright. Is there anything I can do?

That would have to do, for now. It was a while before he got a reply.

Not really. It will pass. Always does. Are you going to school tomorrow?

Even looked up at the TV briefly as his dad laughed at something on screen.

I’ll be there <3

This time the response came back almost instantaneously.

I’ll meet you at the gate so we can walk in together <3

No matter what he was dealing with, Isak was still thinking about Even, and how he might be feeling about the first day back. Could you love somebody too much?
 
“Petter,” Lise spoke as she walked into the room, hanging up the phone, “That was Elina. She wants to do Taco Friday with Henry and the boys this week.”
 
“Which means, you want me to make tacos for Taco Friday,” Petter leaned back on the couch, raising his eyebrows at her.
 
“Well, if you’re offering,” she gave him an evil smirk. “Ev, honey, can you make it? Isak’s invited too, of course.”
 
“I guess so,” he shrugged. It wasn’t like he had a whole lot of friends inviting him to parties. If Isak and the boys wanted to organise something, he could always go out with them later, anyway.
 
“Okay, great, I’ll let Elina know it’s on,” she began typing out a text on her phone. “Don’t stay up too late, sweetheart. Big day tomorrow.”
 
Yes, Even thought begrudgingly. Big fucking day.
 
***

Monday, 9 January, 2017

08:56

Okay, Even told himself as he got off the tram, you can do this.
 
He walked towards Hartvig Nissen school, trying to ignore the sickly, churning sensation in his stomach. It was fine. He was just going to hand in his assignments, go to a few classes, and go home. No stress. It was just like Kåre had said. As soon as he started to assume the worst, he was setting himself up to be miserable.
 
Isak was waiting for him at the school gate, just like they’d arranged. As soon as Even saw him, he instantly forgot about anything else. His boyfriend looked completely haggard. His skin was paler than usual, and there were heavy bags under his eyes. Just standing up looked like it would have been an effort. Even wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around him, shower him with a thousand kisses, and tell him just how much he’d missed him.
 
“Hey,” Even fought against all of his urges, though he was sure the concern was evident on his face.
 
Isak gave a tiny smile, that appeared to require more energy than he really possessed. His eyes shifted to either side, and Even followed his gaze. Small clusters of students passed them on the way in. Most at least glanced their way, and a few stared openly. Some smiled at them. As far as Even could tell, none of the looks were outright hostile, though it was evident they were both still the subject of some interest.
 
“Are you okay?” he asked quietly. “You look…”
 
He looked terrible, if he was being honest. Even wondered how much sleep he’d been getting.
 
“I’m fine,” Isak said assuringly, “just tired. I haven’t had coffee yet today, so that’s probably it.”
 
Even considered asking about his mum, but he knew it was futile. Isak would just find a way to brush it off.
 
“I missed you all weekend,” he ended up confessing instead. It came out far more emotional than he’d intended for it to.
 
Isak’s entire face softened. He leaned forward and placed a quick, gentle kiss onto Even’s cheek. Even was so taken aback he almost jumped.
 
“Awww!” a familiar voice called out. Even turned to see Eva and Noora approaching them, Vilde and Magnus holding hands not too far behind.
 
Isak rolled his eyes hard. “Hi, Eva.”
 
Eva smirked. “How’s that hickey going, Even?”
 
“It’s fading,” Even smiled back at her. He pulled down his scarf slightly to show her.
 
“What did your parents say when they saw it?”
 
Even shrugged. “They thought it was hysterical.”
 
“Wow! Cool parents,” Eva laughed. “My mum would be so annoying if I came home with that. I’d get a huge lecture.”
 
“Your mum just wants you to study more than you make out with boys,” Noora teased her.
 
“I have a very healthy work life balance, thank you very much.”
 
Isak shook his head, grinning.
 
“Isak, are you okay?” asked Vilde, head tilted slightly. “You look a bit sick.”
 
Even met eyes with Noora for a second, and she frowned at him with concern.
 
“Caffeine withdrawals,” his boyfriend replied with a tiny laugh.
 
“You should be careful with that,” Vilde said seriously. “Did you know that caffeine withdrawal can sometimes make you ill? I read a Buzzfeed article about it. If you’re going to cut back you should do it gradually, not all at once.”
 
“I think I have half a Diet Coke in my bag if you want it,” Magnus offered with the best intentions.
 
“That’s okay, man,” Isak replied, sounding a little touched. “We should hurry up. We’re going to be late.”
 
“Fuck! I have English first, too,” Magnus groaned. “That teacher fucking hates my guts.”
 
As the others they made their way into the school, Isak turned to Even and gave him the warmest smile.
 
“Are you ready?”
 
Even took a deep breath. Felt himself smile back as he fixated on those beautiful grey-green eyes and that handsome face.
 
“Ready.”
 
***

10:10

Even steeled himself when he walked into his English classroom, and spotted Anders sitting alone in the back row. It was exceedingly rare. The guy was hardly super popular, but he was liked enough to constantly have a posse around him. Even assumed that someone would want to fill the empty seat beside him before too long. He remembered one of the techniques that Kåre had given him to cope with his first day back. Seek out allies as often as possible. Anders was hardly an ally, but he’d been nice to him at the New Year’s Eve party, at least.
 
“Hey, is anyone sitting here?” he asked as casually as he could.
 
The other boy grinned up at him. “No, man, it’s all yours.”
 
Even pulled the chair out and was about to drop into it, when the English teacher entered the classroom and called him over. He pulled out his Gatsby essay and handed it in, grateful to be rid of the damn thing once and for all. He tried not to be annoyed when she made some comment about what an effort it must have been, and that she was glad to see him back in class.
 
“How was the rest of your break?” asked Anders. He leaned on the back legs of his chair, so that it was pushed up against the wall.
 
“Good, man,” Even answered. “I went to a cabin with Isak and some of his friends.”
 
“Isak…that’s your boyfriend, right? The guy you were with at Iben’s party?”
 
“Uh, yeah,” Even replied, somewhat awkwardly. “He’s in second year.”
 
Anders nodded contemplatively, a tiny smile on his lips and eyes cast downward. “He’s cute.”
 
Even blinked. As far as he knew, he and Isak were the only openly queer people in the entire school.
 
“You’re…?”
 
“Still figuring that out, I guess,” Anders gave a shy laugh, then lowered his voice. “Nobody else knows yet, so…maybe just keep this on the down low for now, yeah?”
 
“I won’t say anything,” Even said seriously.
 
A few more students were arriving for the class. Anders glanced around at them before returning to the conversation.
 
“I got wasted and hooked up with this dude after a revue party last year. I had a girlfriend at the time so I felt really guilty. I never told her the truth, but we broke up a few weeks later anyway,” he paused for a moment. “It’s cool talking about this with somebody else. It’s cool that you’re going out with a guy.”
 
“Um, thanks?” Even laughed. This really wasn’t how he’d pictured things going when he first sat down.
 
The lesson began, so Anders lowered his voice even more.
 
“To be honest, I’m still confused as hell.”
 
“That’s fine,” Even said encouragingly. “You don’t have to know what you are. You don’t have to be anything, if you don’t want to be.”
 
“Thanks,” Anders grinned. “If I ever do figure it out, you’ll be the first to know.”
 
“Cool.”
 
“Even and Anders,” the teacher bellowed from the front of the room, “class has only just started for the year. If you don’t be quiet, this is going to be a very long six months for all of us.”
 
“For real though,” Anders whispered to him once everyone had stopped paying them attention, “he is cute. Your boyfriend.”
 
“Back off,” Even whispered back, smirking at him.
 
***

13:30

Even was on his way to meet Isak and the boys for lunch, when Noora fell into step beside him. They exchanged a few pleasantries in Spanish, and she teased him a bit about his terrible grammar.
 
“How do you think Isak’s doing?” she suddenly switched back to Norwegian, as well as a much more serious tone.
 
Even weighed up his options. On the one hand, Noora seemed to genuinely care, and to want to help. On the other, he wasn’t sure Isak would be comfortable with them discussing him like this.
 
“I don’t really know,” he eventually answered truthfully. “He doesn’t talk to me about his family much.”
 
Noora gave a small nod, frowning. They pulled off to one side of the corridor to allow others to pass them.
 
“Sorry,” she said. “I don’t mean to pry. It’s just that Eskild’s been really worried. He says that when Isak left home he was really scared, so he doesn’t know if he’ll be okay going back there. And he won’t respond to any messages in our flat chat.”
 
“He didn’t come home all weekend?”
 
Noora shook her head. “No. Just this morning, to do some laundry and shower and change his clothes. Then he went straight to school. He says his mum was sick.”
 
Even didn’t reply, observing the anxious look in his friend’s eyes.
 
“Do you know where he’s planning on staying tonight?”
 
“Honestly, no,” Even admitted.
 
“Just…if he’s not coming back to the Kollektiv, just maybe get him to call Eskild, if you can? I know he has a funny way of showing it sometimes, but he loves Isak like a little brother.”
 
Even sighed. He wondered if Isak truly knew just how loved he was, by so many people.
 
“I’ll try my best.”
 
“Thank you, Even,” Noora gave him a warm smile. “And sorry, if this puts you in an awkward position.”
 
“Not at all,” he assured her.
 
She touched his arm lightly before heading off in the opposite direction. Even continued en route to the cafeteria. His boyfriend was sitting between Jonas and Mahdi, obviously exhausted but still talking and laughing along with them. It occurred to him in that moment just how fucking brave Isak was, and always had been. To have so much going on, but still turn up to school and put on a front for Even and for his friends, so they wouldn’t have to worry about him. No matter how hard that might be. It broke his heart to think about the pain, exhaustion and fear that might be behind that laugh.
 
“I just saying, it’s perfectly reasonable,” Magnus was saying as Even sat down beside him. “I don’t think I could go out with a girl who had more or less than two nipples.”
 
“What if that girl was Vilde?” Mahdi probed.
 
Magnus appeared to think long and hard about this. “If it was Vilde, I could learn to live with it.”
 
“How were your classes?” Isak interrupted them all, locking eyes with Even from across the table.
 
“Fine,” Even answered as genuinely as he could. Isak seemed satisfied with the answer, beaming at him.
 
“Bro, Isak had like, six first year girls come up and say hi to him today,” Magnus said jokingly. “Now that you two are together he’s getting all the chicks.”
 
“Isak used to get all the chicks, anyway,” Mahdi said pointedly.
 
Even rose an eyebrow. “Is that true?”
 
Isak shrugged, blushing a little.
 
“Why does that keep happening, anyway?” Jonas turned to his best friend.
 
“I honestly have no idea!” Isak exclaimed, bewildered. “I have no idea who any of them are. They just say hi and then start giggling and then walk away."

“Even, you better watch out,” Magnus teased.
 
Even laughed it off. He wasn’t exactly feeling threatened.
 
“Anyone want to go to the skate park after school ends?” asked Jonas.
 
“I’m down,” said Mahdi almost instantly.
 
“What time?” Magnus grinned. “I’m supposed to make out with Vilde in the Norwegian classroom at three.”
 
“You schedule times to make out?” Mahdi said incredulously.
 
“Vilde schedules, I agree with whatever hook up plans she suggests.”
 
“Just come afterwards, then,” Jonas rolled his eyes. “Isak?”
 
His boyfriend looked down at the table. “I can’t today. I have to help my mum with something.”
 
So he was going back to his mother’s tonight, then. Across from him, Jonas was studying Isak carefully, frowning. Mahdi and Magnus hadn’t seemed to notice anything amiss.
 
“That’s a Jonas excuse,” the former said. “Since when do you have to help your mum with anything?”
 
Isak continued to avoid eye contact with everyone. “She’s sick.”
 
They boys all exchanged looks, then. Even was getting the impression that this was news to everyone but him and Jonas, but it seemed the other two boys had picked up on the vibe at the table. 
 
“Is it bad?” Magnus asked quietly. Quiet for him, anyway.
 
“Not really,” Isak shook his head. “She just needs me around the house right now. That’s all.”
 
“Well,” said Mahdi, “let us know if you need help, or anything.”
 
The bell rang, and Isak pushed his chair back. “I’ve got Biology.”
 
He gave them all a tiny smile, and left them sitting in contemplative silence.
 
***

Tuesday, 10 January, 2017

14:11

Even finished putting the final touches on his drawing, before tearing it out of his sketchpad. Two separate panels: the right hand side showing himself sitting alone on the couch in his bedroom playing guitar; and at the same time in a different universe on the left, he and Isak together in the same place, arms wrapped around each other. At the top, he’d written a simple message, followed by a tiny heart.

Here whenever you need me.

Was it too much? He always got nervous right before he gave these drawings to Isak, but Isak seemed to like them. And at times, it was the only way he felt he could truly get his feelings across. He folded the piece of paper up, stuffed his pencils and sketchpad into his bag, and headed towards the second year lockers.
 
Isak had looked even more drained today, if that was possible. Even really wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep this up before he completely collapsed. He felt helpless. Like watching a car crash that was literally seconds away from happening, and knowing there was nothing he could do.
 
Locker 535 had the same combination since Even had fixed it for Isak, all those months ago. He would have done anything, then, to try and make Isak’s life easier. He still would. He paused when he saw that Isak had stuck a Nas picture and quote up on the inside of the locker door.

You have to keep your vision clear, because only a coward lives in fear.

He unfolded the drawing and grabbed a pencil, using the locker next to him to lean on and add another line to the bottom.

You are amazing.

He put the drawing inside Isak’s Chemistry textbook, which he knew he had for his next class, and left before the bell rang.
 
***

14:25

Even’s phone buzzed early into his next class. Isak had sent him rows upon rows of little red hearts.
 
“You know, I think I can figure out when you get a text from Isak now,” Anders said teasingly from beside him, “because you get this big, stupid grin on your face every time.”
 
“What?” Even chuckled as he turned to look at him.
 
“Yep, just like that.”
 
Even shrugged and put his phone away. Later in the lesson, Anders’ phone went off and he pulled up what appeared to be a lengthy text. Even caught his name in it and couldn’t resist reading over his shoulder. It was from one of the more popular girls in their year.

Anders, why are you hanging out with Even Bech Næsheim lately? Didn’t you hear the rumour that he got arrested for running naked through Oslo and trying to beat up a cop? He’s crazy. You should stay away from him in case he cracks again. Just looking out for you xx

Even did his best to remain completely calm, though inside he had become paralysed with shame and fear. Anders gave no outward sign of any kind of reaction as he studied the message.
 
“Some people fucking suck,” the other boy finally muttered.
 
He deleted the text, then put his phone upside down on the table.
 
***

Wednesday, 11 January, 2017

15:24

Isak hadn’t been at school all day.
 
Even texted him, but was yet to get a reply. He was trying his best not to worry, but the last time he’d seen his boyfriend, he just seemed so…completely defeated by everything. Chances were he just didn’t have the energy to make it into school. He’d tracked down Noora to ask if Isak was at the Kollektiv, but she’d told him he hadn't come home since Monday morning. That could only mean he was still staying with his mother.
 
Remember what Kåre said, Even told himself over and over throughout the day. Don’t assume the worst.
 
As he left the school, he caught sight of Jonas not too far away, unchaining his bike. The other boy looked up not too long after and made eye contact with him, waving him over.
 
“Did you talk to Isak today?” they asked each other almost simultaneously.
 
Jonas sighed and shook his head. “Fuck.”
 
They stood there awkwardly for a few seconds, unsure of what to say.
 
“Mahdi said he didn't make it to soccer practice yesterday either. They’re on the team together,” Jonas said contemplatively.
 
“I’m not surprised,” Even said. “He looked like he could barely keep himself awake.”
 
Jonas nodded sadly. “Yeah.”
 
“Jonas,” Even heard himself say out loud, his voice sounding acutely pained, “I don’t know what to do. Do you know what’s going on?”
 
Jonas finished unchaining the bike, dark curls falling onto his forehead as he did so.
 
“Walk and talk?” he suggested.
 
Even nodded, allowing Jonas to lead him away down the street. They walked side by side in the cold afternoon air, Jonas pushing the bike in between them.
 
“This one time, when Isak and I were thirteen, maybe fourteen,” he eventually said, “my sister and I had a bunch of our friends stay over at the same time. My sister Thea’s only a couple of years younger than me, so there’s not much of an age difference between our friends. Isak’s sister is the same age as my sister. They used to be pretty close, so she was there too. Thea and Lea. They’d always laugh about that.”
 
“Wait, Isak has a sister?” asked Even, stunned. From the way Isak had talked about his family, he’d always assumed that he’d been an only child.
 
“Uh, yeah. He never told you?”
 
“I guess it never came up,” Even admitted. It was strange, though. They’d known each other for months, and he’d never so much as mentioned her.
 
“Well, anyway,” Jonas continued, a little awkward, “I guess my mum thought it was cool with Isak and Lea’s mum, for them both to stay over. But maybe she freaked out because there were a bunch of other guys and girls in the house at the same time, I don’t know. Later that night my mum pulled me and Thea aside and asked us if there were orgies going on. She said Isak’s mum had called her and started making all these allegations that Thea and I planned and hosted orgies in our house.”
 
Even stayed quiet as he listened to the story. His heart was breaking for thirteen, maybe fourteen year old Isak. For Isak’s mother, who probably thought she was doing the right thing. For everyone.
 
“I don’t think my mum believed it for a second,” Jonas added hastily. “I mean, those sleepovers were about as tame as tame gets. As far as I know nothing sexual ever happened. But I think my mum felt like she had to ask us anyway. She was pretty shaken up by it. Apparently, Isak’s mum kept saying, ‘I thought you knew, I thought you knew’, to her over and over again on the phone. She and my dad had a huge talk about it that night, and after that she told Thea and I that we weren’t allowed to go over to the Valtersen’s anymore. We still did, obviously, we just didn’t tell our parents. But that was the first time I realised that something was up with Isak’s mum.”
 
They paused at the crossing to wait for the traffic.
 
“Did Isak ever find out about this?” Even asked.
 
Jonas laughed. “Fuck no. How do you try and explain that to your best friend when you’re thirteen? I wasn’t prepared to handle something so serious. I’d never had to deal with anything like that in my entire life. I think he figured out the thing about us not being able to go to his place anymore, though. We had to be super subtle about it.”
 
Even nodded. He could understand where Jonas was coming from. He couldn’t imagine trying to initiate a serious discussion about mental health when he was thirteen, either.
 
“Thea and Lea drifted apart in middle school. I don’t really know why…just one of those things, I guess,” said Jonas, looking straight ahead. “When Isak’s parents split up, he called me the day after, saying that something was wrong with his mum. I went over there straight away, and she was practically catatonic. She was lying on the bed on her side, curled up in a ball, staring at the wall. Not talking to anyone. Isak had to force her to eat and drink.”
 
Even tried not to wince in pain at the mental image that came into his head. The lights changed, and they crossed the road.
 
“I ended up staying there for a week. I didn’t do much, just hung out and played FIFA with Isak, mostly. Picked up groceries for them, that sort of thing. My parents lost their shit at me for it, but what could I do? By the end of the week, though, it looked like she was starting to get better. She was getting out of bed, walking around and stuff. Isak said I should go home.”
 
“Do you think something like that’s happened again?”
 
“Probably,” Jonas answered. “Whenever Isak mentions something about his mum being sick or stressed out, I start to get worried. But this is the longest that it’s gone on for in a very long time. And I think this is the first time he’s been back home since he moved out. Right?”
 
“You’d know better than me,” Even admitted.
 
Jonas stopped suddenly as they reached the end of the next street. His eyes met Even’s, brows furrowed sombrely.
 
“Do you think we should go over there and check on him?”
 
“Now?” Even hesitated. “I don’t know…I get the feeling Isak really doesn’t want me getting involved in this.”
 
Turning up unannounced on Isak’s doorstep was probably the last thing he’d want. He could just picture the look on his boyfriend’s face now.
 
“Thing is,” Jonas said pensively, “it might not be what he wants, but it could be what he needs right now. Do you get what I’m saying?”
 
Even considered the way that Isak had looked after him when he was sick. He hadn’t necessarily been grateful for it at the time, but when he thought back to it, he realised that Isak had made all the right decisions. If he hadn’t made those decisions, despite Even protests that he didn't need anything or couldn't stand the thought of being watched over, things could have ended differently. He might not have recovered as quickly.
 
“Let’s pick up some stuff for him. Just some milk and bread maybe,” Jonas went on. “That way we’ll sort of have an excuse to drop over. If he doesn’t want us to stay, he’ll just take the food and not invite us inside. But at least we’ll be able to see if he’s doing okay. What do you think?”
 
It didn’t sound like there could be anything wrong with that. Even was still convinced that Isak wouldn’t want to see him, but maybe the thought would count to something.
 
“Let’s pick up some cheese for him too. And cardamom,” he said. “It’s an inside joke we have. Might cheer him up.”
 
Jonas grinned from ear to ear. “Cool.”
 
***

16:09

Isak’s family home was in a nice part of the city. Full of wholesome, suburban houses with nice cars in the driveways and quaint gardens out the back. The sort of place where the children of lawyers or investment bankers might grow up. The sort of place that screamed things like ‘safety’, and ‘good schools’ and ‘family values’.
 
Jonas led Even up and gravel driveway towards a two-storey house, with blue panelled walls and a white front door. It was admittedly nicer than Even had been expecting. Nothing Isak had said about his past ever implied that he wasn’t well off, but Even supposed he’d made an assumption that Isak’s parents were about as wealthy as his own. Comfortably middle class. He was beginning to suspect that he’d been wrong, though.
 
A plaque next to the front door gave the names of the house’s occupants. Terje and Marianne Valtersen. Isak and Lea. Jonas cast him a glance and gave a reassuring nod before he knocked on the door.
 
The first thing Even thought of when a young woman opened the door was ‘Girl Isak’. She had the same fair skin - though her forehead was dotted with tiny red spots - grey-green eyes and cupid-bow lips. Her blonde curls cascaded to her waist, and were tied loosely with a band over one shoulder. A few wisps had escaped and were framing her youthful face. She scowled when she saw them both, evidently not too pleased.
 
“What are you doing here, Jonas?”
 
“Hey, Lea,” Jonas said, clearly unfazed by her negative reaction. “Is Isak around?”
 
Lea leaned against the doorframe. She was dressed in a pair of pyjama pants, tucked into her thick woollen socks, and an old sweatshirt with holes in the sleeves. She’d stuck her thumbs through the holes; there was chipped purple nail polish on her fingernails.
 
“He’s resting.”
 
Jonas and Even exchanged a glance.
 
“Any chance you could grab him for us?” the former asked.
 
There was a loud, clattering sound from somewhere inside the house. Lea turned behind her, suddenly alert. When no follow-up noises occurred, she seemed to relax somewhat.
 
“It’s not really a good time,” she said hesitantly. “You know what I mean, right?”
 
“Yeah, I get it,” Jonas answered sympathetically. He gestured to Even beside him. “We’ll be quick. This is Even. He’s a really good friend of your brother’s, and I know he’d want to know he came by.”
 
Lea regarded Even properly for the first time. Her eyes lingered as she looked him up and down, and a slight blush crept into her cheeks.
 
“I’ve never seen you around before,” she said warily.
 
Even gave her a kind smile. “I used to go to a different school. I’m new to this group.”
 
So strange. Until that afternoon, he didn’t even know that Isak had a little sister. Now he was meeting her for the first time. To say he was nervous had to be the understatement of the century.
 
“We brought over some stuff we thought you guys might need,” Jonas interjected, holding out the shopping bags to show her. “Just some milk and bread and things like that.”
 
“Thanks,” Lea reached out to accept their offering. “Actually, we were sort of running out of food, so…that’s really helpful.”
 
“Anytime. Let us know if you need anything else,” Jonas smiled at her. “You still have my number, right?”
 
She nodded shyly, her eyes darting back to Even for just a second.
 
“Maybe I can see if Isak wants to come down for a bit,” she suggested.
 
Jonas’ eyes brightened. “That would be great. Thanks Lea.”
 
There was another clatter inside the house. Lea swivelled around again almost immediately.
 
“Shit,” she muttered under her breath. “Um, stay out here for now, okay? I’ll be back in a minute.”
 
“Are you sure you don’t want help?” Even offered.
 
“She doesn’t really like strangers in the house,” Lea told him apologetically.
 
She closed the door on them, leaving them to wait in the cold. It was completely dark outside by now. Jonas stuffed his hands in his pockets, kicking up some of the gravel with his boot.
 
“So that’s Lea,” he told Even, when it seemed like they didn’t have anything else to say.
 
“She’s like a mini Isak,” Even said with a tiny laugh. The resemblance really was uncanny.
 
Jonas grinned. “I know, right? The two of them don’t see it, either. They think they look nothing alike. It’s funny.”
 
Time passed slowly and silently. Even checked his phone, which was almost out of battery.
 
“Maybe we should get out of here?”
 
He desperately wanted to see Isak, but something told him that really wasn’t going to happen at this stage.
 
Jonas looked up at the door again sadly. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”
 
He picked up his bike from where they’d left it leaning against the side of the house, and made their way back down the driveway.
 
“We definitely made the right call, though. Coming here, I mean,” Jonas said. He sounded like he was trying to convince himself as much as anything else. “Lea said they were running out of food and stuff, so…at least that’s something.”
 
“Yeah. You were right,” Even smiled at him. “Thanks, Jonas.”
 
As they reached the end of the street, he glanced back at the house and imagined Isak inside. Hopefully getting the sleep he so desperately needed. He’d never felt so close to someone, and yet so far away at the same time before.
 
***

21:22

Even was sitting on the couch in his bedroom, mucking around with his guitar, when the phone went off. Isak had sent him a photo of a cheese toastie, absolutely drenched in cardamom.

Tastes like shit but reminds me of you.

He was glad no one was there to see him hold the phone up to his heart.
 
***

Thursday, 12 January, 2017

11:34

Just saw Isak. He’s at school today in case you didn’t already know.

Even grinned when he saw the text from Noora. The stupid Spanish class he was stuck in could not end soon enough. He tapped his foot and flipped the pen he was holding around in his fingers, practically begging for the time to go faster. When the bell finally rang an hour later, he was the first person out of the room.
 
Isak was at his locker, trying to stuff an oversized Physics textbook onto an already overcrowded shelf. He didn’t notice Even until he was practically right in front of him.
 
“Hey,” he said brightly. There were still dark circles under his eyes, but he seemed significantly less sleep deprived than he’d been two days ago.
 
It had been almost a week since they’d had the chance to hold each other, or kiss each other, or anything really. Was it possible to miss someone so much it could make you sick?
 
“Hey,” Even answered.
 
“It’s gone,” his boyfriend nodded towards the spot on his neck.
 
Even laughed, touching it lightly underneath his jacket. He’d almost forgotten it was there.
 
“Almost.”
 
“Ahem,” a second year girl standing behind them coughed pointedly. Even realised he’d been leaning against the lockers. He grinned and gave an apologetic shrug as he stepped out of her way, which made Isak giggle.
 
“So,” his boyfriend continued in a low voice once they’d moved to a less crowded area, “you, uh, came to my house yesterday?”
 
It was hard to read him. It didn’t seem like he was angry, especially since he’d sent the cardamom picture last night, but he didn’t exactly sound thrilled about it either. More confused than anything else.
 
“It was Jonas’ idea,” Even explained. “He thought it might help.”
 
Isak nodded quietly. Licked his lips.
 
“You don’t mind, do you?” asked Even nervously.
 
“No. I mean, why would I?” Isak gave a tiny laugh, rubbing the back of his head. “It was nice of you both to do that.”
 
Even smiled at him. “I met your sister.”
 
“Oh, yeah. She said as much. Sorry if it was weird. I was sleeping. I told her she should have woken me up.”
 
“It was fine,” Even reassured him. “She looks a lot like you. I could tell you were related.”
 
Isak spluttered. “Yeah right. We look nothing alike.”
 
“Jonas said you’d say that,” Even laughed back.
 
Their laughter slowly faded, as Isak looked shyly into his eyes. There was a slight red hue in his cheeks. He was leaning in towards him slightly, and Even realised he’d subconsciously been doing the same thing.
 
“I miss you,” his boyfriend said, turning even redder.
 
Even had never wanted to kiss someone more than in that moment.
 
“I really miss you too.”
 
“What are you doing on Friday night?”
 
Even opened his mouth to respond, when suddenly he remembered. “Fuck. Taco Friday.”
 
“Huh?”
 
“Taco Friday with my family. I promised I’d be there for at least some of it,” he said glumly. “You’re invited as well, but if you can’t come, they’d definitely understand.”
 
“The whole family?” Isak asked, somewhat warily.
 
“Just my aunt and uncle. And Finn and Erik.”
 
It was a lot to have to front up for, Even realised as he said it, given the week Isak just had.
 
“If you want, I could just stay for an hour, then meet you somewhere afterwards?” he proposed.
 
“No, it’s fine,” Isak gave him a brave smile. “Family should come first.”
 
He was about to protest, when he was surprised with another kiss on the cheek. A couple of first year girls passing by actually froze in their tracks, eyes wide and hands covering their mouths. They had the same looks on their faces that his middle school girlfriend used to get at the end of a Nicholas Sparks movie. They hurried off together, nudging each other and giggling.
 
“Jesus,” Isak mumbled, “I don’t get it. They are getting so annoying.”
 
Even shrugged, laughing. “They probably just think you’re cute.”
 
“For the last time, I’m not cute.”
 
Even leaned in and kissed him on the cheek as well.
 
“Let me know about Friday. No pressure. But if you want to meet up, I’ll be there.”
 
Isak gave him a lopsided smile. “Okay.”
 
***

Friday, 13 January, 2017

19:50

“There are too many Geodudes here,” said Erik, like it was the worst crime ever committed by humanity.
 
He tossed the 3DS onto the floor with a huff and crossed his arms. Beside him, Finn looked like he was about to give up too, brows furrowed in concentration and frustration. He’d been trying his hand at FIFA (and losing) again. They both looked so pissed off that it was actually rather comical.
 
“Hey boys, look over here for a second,” he urged them.
 
As soon as they did, he snapped a quick picture with his phone. There were identical scowls plastered to each of their faces.
 
“Even!” Finn exclaimed. “Why did you take a photo?”
 
He held the picture up to them teasingly. “You look great, don’t you think?”
 
“Urgh!” Finn huffed. He put down the controller and grabbed a handful of popcorn instead.
 
Even couldn’t resist sending the photo to Isak.

Twenty minutes into Taco Friday and chill and they give you this look.

“Boys, are you giving cousin Even a hard time?” asked Elina as she came over. She grabbed a handful of popcorn too.
 
“He’s the mean one, Mamma!” Erik pointed at him accusingly.
 
“Now Erik, you know I don’t believe that for a second,” Elina retorted, with a teasing wiggle of her eyebrows in Even’s direction.
 
She dropped gracelessly into the armchair. Sensing that a ‘grown up’ conversation was about to start, Finn and Erik returned to their respective gaming.
 
“How’s school going, Ev?” his aunt asked him, popping a few pieces of popcorn into her mouth.
 
Even shrugged. “It’s fine. Same as ever.”
 
She grinned at him. “Great! And how about that gorgeous man of yours?”
 
Even cracked up, cheeks turning a little red. “He’s good.”
 
“Wonderful!”
 
Even was in the midst of telling her about the cabin trip - selective parts, anyway - when the buzzer rang. His father went to answer it.
 
“Hey, Isak!” Petter exclaimed cheerfully, as Even’s ears perked up. “No, no, no problem at all. I’ll buzz you up.”
 
He tried not to let his excitement show too much. Isak emerged in the entrance to the apartment soon after. He received an awkward ‘man hug’ from Petter once he’d taken off his outerwear. His mother, aunt and uncle crowded around soon after, bombarding him with greetings, questions and small talk. Over all the noise, Isak locked eyes with him from across the room and grinned. Even made an exaggerated show of rolling his eyes.
 
“My housemates are having a Friday 13th party,” he overheard Isak explain to them all. “I didn’t feel like sticking around. I hope that’s okay.”
 
“Of course!” Lise said as she patted him on the back. “You’re welcome anytime, remember? We love having you over. I think there’s still some taco bits and pieces in the kitchen if you’re hungry.”
 
Out of seemingly nowhere, Isak turned to look at his mother, and for second it was almost as if he was going to break down then and there. His eyes, already swollen from exhaustion, suddenly grew red.
 
“Isak?” his mother asked worriedly. The hand on her back automatically began moving in small, comforting circles.
 
“Even,” Erik asked from beside him in a loud whisper, “is Isak sad?”
 
Isak reached up and rubbed his eye with his sleeve.
 
“S-sorry,” he stammered.
 
Even was on his feet and over to Isak’s side before he’d fully registered what was happening. An instinct to protect him setting in.
 
“We might just go hang out in my room for a bit,” he told his family, putting a hand on Isak’s other shoulder.
 
“I think that’s a good idea,” Elina said, swapping a concerned glance with her husband.
 
“Do you need anything?” Petter asked worriedly.
 
Even gave him a grateful smile. “We’re okay. Thanks, Dad.”
 
He took Isak’s hand and guided him away from everyone, into his bedroom. Once the door as closed behind them, he wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s waist, pulling them together. They held each other with equal amounts of desperation, Isak hiding his face against Even’s neck. He could feel a dampness forming there underneath Isak’s eyes.
 
“I’m an idiot,” his boyfriend mumbled into his skin.
 
Even ran his fingers through the back of his curls. “No, you’re not.”
 
They stayed like that for what could have been an eternity, holding on to each other in silence. Even could feel Isak’s breathing, rapid and uneven, against his skin.
 
“I’m so fucking tired,” Isak said. His weight almost sunk into Even’s as he did, so Even gripped him tighter.
 
“Do you want to lie down for a while?”
 
He felt Isak nodding. He lifted himself off Even, sniffed and rubbed his eyes again. They were bright red now.
 
Wordlessly, Even removed the jacket and jeans he was wearing, so he was left standing in just a shirt and boxers. His boyfriend did the same, lacking the energy to make any complaints about it being his parents’ house. They turned out the light and climbed the ladder to the bunk bed. Even pulled the blankets up around them, as Isak wrapped an arm and leg around him, clinging to his side.
 
“I feel rude,” Isak said, voice already sluggish and sleep-ridden. “Your family…”
 
“They’ll understand,” replied Even, wrapping an arm around his back.
 
He traced the fingers of his free hand along Isak’s cheekbone, down to his jaw, before using them to tilt his chin towards him. Kissed him properly for the first time in a week, and couldn’t believe he’d somehow made it this long without the sensation of their lips moving together like this. Kissed him what felt like a thousand times. Sweet, quick, kisses. Long, lingering kisses. Until Isak grew too tired to kiss him back and fell asleep in his arms.
 
***

Saturday, 14 January, 2017

08:09

It was early. And Even was wide awake.
 
They must have fallen asleep before nine last night, and after such a long rest, he was full of energy. Beside him in the bed, Isak was still out cold; face partially buried into the pillow, leg and arm still draped over Even’s chest and legs. Breathing heavily, but evenly. It would likely be a while before he’d wake up.
 
Cautiously, Even slid out from underneath him. His boyfriend stirred a little in his sleep, but appeared to remain unconscious. He really was out cold. Once on the floor, Even fumbled around in the darkness, dragging on a pair of sweatpants that felt just a little too short for him. Must be Isak’s. He headed out into the corridor, making sure to close the door gently behind him.
 
Lise was already in the kitchen, wrapped in a dressing gown and fiddling around with the espresso machine.
 
“Hey, sweetheart,” she greeted him in a soft voice. “Coffee?”
 
Even nodded silently, leaning against the counter as she grabbed an extra mug and turned it on.
 
“How’s Isak?”
 
“Okay, I think. Still sleeping,” he answered her. “Sorry about last night. We sort of disappeared on you.”
 
“Don’t be stupid,” she waved his apology away. “We were just worried about him, is all.”
 
“He’s going to be really embarrassed,” Even predicted sadly.
 
“He doesn’t have anything to be embarrassed about.”
 
She fixed the coffees and handed him the mug.
 
“He probably won’t be up for a while,” he said as he took it.
 
Lise agreed. “It looked like he needed a good rest.”
 
Together they made their way to the kitchen and sat down on one of the couches. His mother flicked on the morning news. After an hour or so his father emerged, dressed in his dorkiest tracksuit.
 
“How’s Isak?” he asked immediately.
 
“Sleeping,” Even smiled at him.
 
Petter nodded in understanding. “Thought I’d go for a run. I might stop by the bakery on the way back and pick up some breakfast for everyone.”
 
“Sounds good, honey,” Lise encouraged.
 
Even pulled himself up. “I’ll go check if he’s awake, yet.”
 
He washed his coffee cup in the sink on the way, then decided to make a fresh one for Isak. He carried it with him into the bedroom, where he found his boyfriend in the exact same position he’d left him in earlier. He set the coffee on the table and went to take a shower instead.
 
By the time he came back, Isak had rolled over onto his back, lips parted slightly and closed eyes faced towards the ceiling. Even opened his cupboards as quietly as possible, pulling out some fresh clothes to change into. He was running a comb through his hair when there was a soft knock on the door.
 
“Ev, food’s here,” came his father’s voice from the other side.
 
Isak mumbled something and rolled back over onto his side.
 
“Okay, coming,” he whispered back.
 
The blankets had fallen off him slightly when he turned. Even stood on his toes to reach over and pull them back over his boyfriend’s shoulders.
 
He collected the mug of coffee, which had gone cold, and went to join his parents.
 
***

11:56

Even cursed himself when he realised he’d left his fucking Spanish textbook in the bedroom, after he’d painstakingly and quietly gone around and attempted to make sure he had everything he needed, so he wouldn’t bother Isak again. Accepting there was nothing more he could do, he creaked open the door for the fourth time that morning, hoping the constant intrusions weren’t causing too much of a disturbance.
 
The textbook was buried beneath a pile of crap under the coffee table. He shifted a pile of dirty clothes, his copy of ‘The Great Gatsby’ and his old bong. How the hell did it get hidden under there in the first place, anyway? He was going to have to do a huge overhaul of this room, at some point. Maybe clean out a drawer in his cupboard so Isak would actually have somewhere to put his stuff when he stayed over.
 
He almost jumped when he stood back up and saw Isak staring at him, lying down on his side in the bed. His eyes had been closed moments ago, when Even first walked in, but perhaps he’d been awake for a while. The expression on his face was completely unreadable.
 
“Hey,” he said gently, textbook still held in his hand, “did I wake you up?”
 
Isak sat up slowly, running a hand through his mess of curls. Pulled his legs up under the blankets and rested his arms on them.
 
“Are you hungry?” Even probed. “My dad bought some stuff from the bakery this morning.”
 
Isak didn’t respond, appearing to weigh something up in his head. It was making Even more nervous than he’d care to admit.
 
“Even?”
 
He sounded so vulnerable. The textbook slipped from Even’s grasp and onto the floor, barely noticed.
 
“Yeah?”
 
His boyfriend licked his lips. Studied his knees.
 
“I think…I think I’m ready to talk about it.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Friday, 6 January, 2017

19:17

Here lives Terje and Marianne Valtersen

Isak and Lea
 
What a fucking lie.
 
It had been over a year since Isak’s father first moved out, and his mother still hadn’t taken that plaque down. She probably never would. He remembered how excited she’d first been when she bought it, about five years ago. She’d forced Isak and Lea to go outside with her while she put it up, then stared at it with the most serene look on her face. They’d just had the whole house exterior repainted, and this was the finishing touch. Her pride and joy.
 
Isak willed himself to knock on the door, but the action felt equivalent to running a marathon right now. An obstacle he just couldn’t see himself crossing. He knew he couldn’t stand out here in the cold forever, though. He needed to do this. He needed to do it for Lea, if nothing else. She’d been left to cope with this alone for too long.
 
He still had a house key somewhere, but in his rush to leave, he hadn’t bothered to try and find it. In his wake, he’d left a very confused Eskild, Noora and Even behind at the Kollektiv. He was trying not to think about the way they’d all looked at him when he announced there had been a family emergency. He hated the thought of being pitied - especially by Even. God, he hated it so much.
 
He took a deep breath, then rapped on the door a couple of times. There was some activity inside; the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. The door swung open, and all of a sudden his little sister was standing in front of him in her pyjamas. Not so little anymore. Six months was a long time when you were a preteen. She looked like she’d aged several years.
 
She stared at him blankly for a moment before she spoke.
 
“This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have called you.”
 
Isak ignored her. “What happened? Where’s Mum?”
 
Lea sighed, glancing behind her into the house. “See for yourself, I guess. She’s in Dad’s old study.”
 
It was jarring to hear her refer to it as ‘Dad’s old study’, rather than ‘Dad’s study’. Isak nodded and stepped into the entranceway. The first thing he thought was that the house smelt the same. The same scent of home that he’d smelt on his dad when they hugged a few days ago. He felt a peculiar, sinking sensation inside his chest.
 
“I did all the usual things,” Lea explained as he removed his shoes and coat, “I hid her car keys and all of the kitchen knives. Her shaving razors. She’s so pissed off at me, though. Like, more so than ever. I’ve been trying to get her to calm down, but she’s refusing to even speak to me.”
 
“It’s not your fault, Lea.”
 
Lea bit her lip worriedly. “I know. Look, maybe you can get her to talk to you. I thought it was at least worth a shot.”
 
Isak nodded. “You did the right thing. I’m glad you phoned.”
 
The stairs creaked underneath him as he made his way upstairs. His sister waited for him at the bottom, leaning on the bannister and watching curiously. He tried not to look back. He didn’t want her to see how afraid he was.
 
There was a scraping sound coming from the study, like two pieces of paper being rubbed against each other. As well as the overwhelming odour of wet paint. The door was slightly ajar; in the warm yellow lamplight he could make out a few cans of paint stacked together, and flecks of green on the varnished wooden floors.
 
Marianne was in the far corner of the room, balanced on a step ladder and using a roller to smear emerald green paint haphazardly over the pallid white walls. There were patches of green all over her white t-shirt and frayed jeans. Her pale skin. Her blonde hair. Isak had to remind himself to breathe when he took in the mess she’d created. She’d left the floors and all of the furniture uncovered, and the paint was everywhere. His father’s mahogany bookshelf, desk and chair were all but destroyed.
 
“Mum?” he asked her softly, his throat dry.
 
She didn’t turn around. Didn’t even acknowledge him. The paint was being applied to the walls without any rhyme or reason. There were huge patches of the original white visible in between the green. Some of it looked dry already, and could have been done days ago.
 
“Mum?” he tried again, stepping further into the room. “It’s Isak.”
 
The sound of his name made her stop. She turned to look at him over her shoulder, her green eyes wide.
 
“The wedding!” she exclaimed, laughing strangely. It was the same tone of voice Isak imagined normal mums used when they came home from the shops without the milk. Silly me, how could I forget?
 
“Wedding?”
 
“The wedding,” she said again, more slowly this time. “Isak, I don’t have a dress yet. Terje will be so cross. Do you know what they’re all going to say? They’re going to say, ‘That Marianne, she can never do anything right.’”
 
Camilla’s wedding, Isak realised sorrowfully. She was talking about going to Camilla’s wedding.
 
“No one is going to say that, Mum,” he told her gently.
 
Marianne frowned. She clumsily made her way down the stepladder, the roller still in her hand.
 
“They do. Isak…wedding…I’m a doctor, you know. They should have more respect.”
 
“Mum,” said Isak, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice, “why are you repainting Dad’s study?”
 
She began laughing again. As she did so, her arm fell to her side, and the roller brushed against her thigh. A huge, green paint stain appeared on her jeans in its wake.
 
“Your father loves green,” she explained. “That’s why he fell in love with me, you know. Because of my green eyes. He’s going to be so excited when he gets home. I’m going to make him so happy. I’m a good wife, Issy. A good wife.”
 
Isak approached her as slowly as he possibly could, reaching towards the hand with the roller in it. “Can I have this?”
 
Marianne began shaking her head fervently, holding the roller just out of reach. He backed away.
 
“Have you eaten anything today?”
 
“No time,” she declared, “no time. I need to finish. Before Terje gets home.”
 
But Terje wasn’t coming home. He wasn’t coming home ever again. Isak was terrified of what could happen if he tried to explain it to her. An image of how she’d looked just after his father left flashed into his mind, lying practically comatose on the bed.
 
“If you promise to eat something, I’ll help you finish,” he said, struggling to maintain a sense of normalcy. “We can finish it tonight, if you want.”
 
Marianne smiled at him, then. “You’re a good boy, Issy. A good son.”
 
She reached over and patted his shoulder. A bit of paint came away on the white fabric of his shirt.
 
“Have you been reading your bible? You know you have to, don’t you? It’s the only way.”
 
“Yes, Mum,” he lied, “I’ve been reading my bible.”
 
This seemed to satisfy her a lot. To Isak’s relief, she put the roller down onto the floor.
 
“Come down to the kitchen,” he urged her. “Lea and I will make you some food.”
 
Something rapidly changed in her expression after he spoke. She glanced up into the far corner of the room, then wrapped her hand around his bicep, squeezing. Squeezed so hard it hurt him.
 
“Mum,” he gasped, wincing in pain at her tightening grip.
 
Marianne didn’t seem to notice.
 
“Isak,” she spoke in an angry, hushed whisper, “we can’t trust Lea anymore.”
 
“Mum,” he tried to wriggle his arm free as nails dug into his skin, “you’re hurting me.”
 
“Listen to me,” she said through gritted teeth, eyes boring into his, “this is important. You have to stay away from her. They have her now. And if you lose focus, they’ll get you too.”
 
“I don’t understand,” he shook his head in fear, tears welling up in his eyes from the pain. “What are you talking about? Who’s ‘they’?”
 
“They,” Marianne cried, exasperated. “The devil’s people. The Illuminati.”
 
***

Saturday, 14 January, 2017

12:24

“For as long as I can remember, my mum has thought the world is about to end.”
 
Isak looked up from the mug of coffee in his hands to see if he could garner Even’s reaction. Each word he said out loud was a battle against his sense of guilt. Guilt at burdening the person he loved with his problems. Guilt at revealing a family secret to someone else, when he’d been taught not to talk about it for so long.
 
Even sat across from him on the windowsill in his bedroom, those gorgeous blue eyes alert and focused entirely on Isak. He gave no outward sign of what he might be thinking or feeling. Isak really wasn’t sure if that was making him feel better or not.
 
“She’s always been pretty religious. I grew up going to church, youth group, Sunday school,” he paused, turning to gaze out the window. “My mum is convinced that we’re living in the end times. That…that Jesus is going to come back to earth to defeat the Antichrist, and everyone will either be saved or sentenced to hell.”
 
There was snow falling outside. From above, Isak could see the tops of people’s heads as they walked along the street. Couples and families out enjoying their Saturday afternoon.
 
“I know it sounds ridiculous, but when I was a kid, I used to believe her. I didn’t know any better,” he continued. “At school, I’d talk about it with the other kids. About how the bible says the world is going to end soon, and we all need to pray, and…and stuff. I guess I thought I was saving their souls, I don’t know. But then one kid started freaking out about it, getting nightmares about going to hell. She told her parents, and her parents called the school, and the school called my dad. Then my dad screamed at my mum. I didn’t talk to anyone about the end times after that, but…I still believed it for a long time.”
 
“What changed?” Even asked him quietly. There wasn’t an ounce of judgement in his tone.
 
Isak sipped the coffee. He was wearing Even’s old grey hoodie, the baggy sleeves pulled over the palms of his hands to create a barrier between his skin and the boiling hot mug. It smelt so much like Even. Felt like being hugged by him.
 
“Being friends with Jonas, I guess. And then Eva, in middle school. They weren’t worried about the world ending, or not being good enough to get into heaven, or the devil. All they ever seemed to worry about was their favourite show getting cancelled on TV,” Isak laughed wryly. “The world didn’t end. It just kept on fucking moving forward. I started studying science at school. Got really into it. I learnt about the universe, and human evolution. Started to figure out that there were some things my mum just couldn’t be right about.”
 
Even nodded understandingly.
 
“Eventually, I stopped believing in God altogether,” said Isak. He took a deep breath as his heart rate increased. “And then…then I started to realise that there was something wrong with my mum, too.”
 
***

Saturday, 7 January, 2017

04:12

“Okay,” Isak breathed, setting down the paint brush. “I think it’s finished.”
 
It had taken several coats of paint, and the entire night, but all the walls of his father’s study were now a deep, emerald green. Isak had done is best to salvage the furniture, dragging it into the centre of the room, but most of the damage had already been done. He turned to look at Marianne, who was gazing up at his work with a peculiar expression on her face.
 
“What do you think, Mum?” he asked her. “Do you think it’s done?”
 
There was no light behind her eyes. She was somewhere far, far away from here.
 
He reached over and touched her shoulder. “Do you want to go to bed, now?”
 
He hadn’t expected a response, but she did look at him, then. Gave him a tiny, lopsided smile.
 
“Come on,” he willed her, using the hand on her shoulder to gently guide her forward.
 
It was an effort to get her down the corridor and into the master bedroom. She didn’t resist, but she didn’t offer him any help, either. By the time he’d dragged her to the bed, exhaustion and frustration had all but gotten the better of him.
 
“Lie down,” he requested once he had her sitting on the edge of the mattress. He gave her a slight push, and she flopped over onto her side. He pulled the blankets up around her.
 
“We’re all going to die alone,” his mother said suddenly, without warning. Her tone was completely flat, devoid of any of the overexcitement and rush of adrenaline she’d displayed just a few hours ago.
 
“That’s not true,” he said in a soft whisper. “Go to sleep, okay?”
 
He sat next to her bed until her eyes finally closed. Once it seemed safe to leave her alone, he made his way to the bathroom, passing his sister’s bedroom on the way. She’d gone to bed hours ago, or so he hoped. There was still a pink letter ‘L’ on her door, that she’d had since she was a baby.
 
He stood in front of the bathroom mirror, inspecting the reflection of a drained, humourless boy he barely recognised. He pulled the white t-shirt - now completely destroyed by flecks of green paint - over his head, letting it slip to the floor. Some of the paint appeared to have gotten on his arms and collarbones, too. After a few moments of silent contemplation, he showered and put his boxers back on, collecting the rest of the clothes from the floor then heading to his bedroom.
 
The letter on his door had not been as well preserved as his sister’s. The blue ‘I’ was covered in half-ripped stickers, as well as the stupid graffiti tags he and Jonas had come up with when they were twelve, written in permanent marker. It made him smile a little as he pushed the door open. His dad had been so pissed off at him for it, but it had been worth it, now. The memory of him and his best friend being dumb kids together was a breath of fresh air in his overcrowded mind.
 
The room hadn’t been changed at all since the day he left. The blue and white sheets on the single bed. The old TV pressed against the far corner, dust gathering in the space where his Xbox used to be. The posters of models in bikinis on the walls. The skateboard propped up against the wardrobe. It was all the same.
 
It was all the same, but it wasn’t.
 
Because he wasn’t the same.
 
Too exhausted to do anything else, he crawled into his childhood bed and felt his eyes drift closed almost instantly.
 
***

Saturday, 7 January, 2017

09:46

Isak awoke to the sound of something clattering in the kitchen downstairs. After a few groggy seconds, he became alert as panic set in. He pulled on the paint-stained shirt and ran down the stairs in his boxers.
 
Lea was standing on one of the kitchen stools, back to him as she rummaged through the pantry. A few can of beans had been knocked off the shelf and onto the floor, one of them rolling aimlessly until it crashed into the counter.
 
“Sorry,” his sister muttered guilty when she turned around and saw him.
 
Isak released a breath he didn’t realise he’d been holding in.
 
“Is Mum awake?” he asked.
 
Lea slowly lowered herself off the stool, a few tins cradled in her arms. “No. I looked in on her this morning. Sound asleep.”
 
“That’s something.”
 
He sat down on one of the stools in front of the island counter, leaning his arms on the cold marble surface.
 
“I was just looking for something to eat,” Lea explained, placing the tins down on the counter in front of him. “It looks like our options are beans, tuna and canned herring.”
 
“So we’re making beans, tuna and herring ‘Shitty Surprise’?”
 
Lea cracked a smile. “Just like the good old days.”
 
‘Shitty Surprise’ was the name they had growing up, for whatever they could make from the contents of the pantry, when their father was working late and their mother was too stressed to go shopping.
 
“You know, I have some money, if you want to cycle up to the shops later,” Isak suggested.
 
“You mean Dad’s money,” Lea pointed out as she began opening the tins. “I get the same allowance, you know.”
 
He lowered his head and nodded quietly. She was angry with him, just as he’d suspected. Truth be told, she had every right to be. He’d abandoned her.
 
Lea sighed heavily, as though she couldn’t be bothered to have this conversation. “I can’t leave her alone when she’s like this. I can’t just go to the shops.”
 
“I can look after her.”
 
Lea paused midway through opening a tin and narrowed her eyes. “Isak, she’s covered in green paint. She needs a shower. I’m her daughter, I should be the one to help her with that.”
 
In any other circumstances, she would have been right, but Isak knew Marianne would never let her daughter near her in this current state. He felt a tightening in his chest again, knowing full well he was about to hurt his sister.
 
“Lea…” he trailed away, unsure he had the strength to tell her the truth, “…maybe you should go and stay with Dad for a few days. Let me handle this.”
 
“Are you serious?” she scowled at him. “Mum is freaking out, and you want me to go away and stay with that asshole?”
 
“Just for a couple of nights.”
 
She blinked at him, then shook her head, laughing wryly. “I knew calling you was a mistake. I knew it.”
 
“Lea…”
 
“You think that just because I asked for your help this ONE time, you can come back here and act like nothing ever happened? That you can just start telling me what to do now?”
 
Isak lowered his eyes meekly. “You don’t get it.”
 
“You’re the one who doesn’t get it. You haven’t been here. You have no idea,” she said defiantly. “Just because you’re older than me, doesn’t mean you know what’s best.”
 
“Oh my god, Lea,” he finally gave in, exasperated, “Mum is scared of you, okay? She thinks you have a computer chip in your head that makes you do the devil’s bidding.”
 
She froze. “What the hell are you talking about?”
 
Isak was tired. So, so fucking tired. He just wanted to go back to his room at the Kollektiv, crawl into bed next to Even, and forget that any of this was real.
 
“I thought it was about Dad,” Lea added, “she’s been mumbling about it all week. I mean, it’s always about Dad, isn’t it?”
 
“Look, this is just what she told me last night,” he explained, “more or less. She thinks the Illuminati got you and put the chip in and now you have the mark of the devil. That’s why she won’t speak to you. She thinks you’re going to try and kill her because she’s a servant of God.”
 
They’d dealt with this sort of thing before, a few times, over the years. But not once had Marianne Valtersen ever been suspicious of her own children. Especially not Lea. Lea, her beautiful, shining daughter, who could do no wrong. Lea, the golden child. Saint Lea. Through all of it, Lea had been her strongest ally. Her best friend. The only family member who had stuck by her.
 
At least, that’s what Isak had always believed. He couldn’t stand it when his little sister’s face began to crumble.
 
“Isak,” she said, slowly and deliberately, “I’m not leaving her.”
 
Isak read the subtext loud and clear. I’m not leaving her, the way you did.
 
****

Saturday, 14 January, 2017

13:01

“It’s weird,” Isak admitted to Even. “Lea was always the favourite kid, growing up, for both our parents. They never said as much, but I could sort of tell. Not that I could really blame them. She was better than me at pretty much everything.”
 
“I strongly doubt that’s true,” Even replied earnestly.
 
Isak grinned. “Maybe not in terms of her rapping skills. But it’s unfair to compare anyone else’s to mine.”
 
“You’re right,” Even laughed.
 
“I think it was more…well, I was always getting into trouble and shit at school, with Jonas. And Lea was just quiet and studious. She never really rebelled or did anything wrong.”
 
“You said she’s only fourteen, right? Turning fifteen this year?” Even leaned back against the windowsill as he spoke. “That’s still very young. She’s got a fair few years left to rebel in.”
 
“Maybe,” Isak smiled at him. “Honestly, it’s hard to picture that, though. She’s only ever seemed interested in making Mum and Dad happy.”
 
Even nodded sadly. “Living your life to make someone else happy only makes you miserable in the end. It’s a lesson everybody has to learn eventually.”
 
“Yeah,” Isak agreed, “I think she’s starting to learn that lesson now.”
 
He leaned over to rest his empty coffee mug on the floor.
 
“When…when our dad left our mum,” he continued softly, staring out the window, “Lea took it pretty hard. She blames our dad for all of it, I know that much. And when I left, she blamed me too. She thinks we’re both cowards for not sticking around when things became really tough.”
 
“You’re not a coward, Isak,” Even said with the deepest sincerity. “You’re one of the bravest people I know.”
 
Isak wished he believed that. He really, really did.
 
But Even still didn’t know his biggest, most secret shame. The reason why he left home late one night six months ago, and - until now - never dared to look back.
 
***

Sunday, 8 January, 2017

08:41

“Issy,” a voice nearby hissed. “Issy, my angel, it’s time to wake up.”
 
Isak groaned and pulled the blankets over his face. A hand shook him almost violently.
 
“Issy, we’ll be late for the morning service.”
 
A hand shielded his eyes as the blankets were pulled off his head. His mother was fully dressed, but in the most bizarre manner. She was wearing a silk brown dress with a blue floral pattern, that might have been more fitting for an evening at the opera than a Sunday mass. A string of pearls and the gold cross necklace she claimed she’d gotten at the Vatican before Isak was born hung around her neck. Completing the ensemble was an ugly, wide-brimmed straw hat. There was still a tiny bit of green paint underneath her left ear that Isak must have missed when he helped (or, more accurately, forced) her to wash yesterday.
 
He sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes. “You want to go to church?”
 
“We’re late,” she continued, as though he’d never spoken. “You know how your father gets, when we’re late. You don’t want to make him angry, do you?”
 
Isak sighed, swinging his feet over and onto the floor. “No, Mum.”
 
Marianne began pacing around the room.
 
“I’ll just have a shower first,” he told her.
 
“No time,” she answered him, incensed, “we’re late.”
 
Isak opened the sports bag he’d dragged upstairs yesterday and searched through the mostly dirty laundry. Nothing in it was really appropriate for church. The best he could do was a pair of black jeans and a plain black sweater that belonged to Even.
 
“I’ll go and get changed, then.”
 
“Issy,” his mother said suddenly, “make sure Lea doesn’t see you. We can’t let her know. She’ll try and stop us.”
 
“Yes, Mum,” he replied evenly, “I’ll make sure.”
 
A few minutes later he was dressed, feeling like absolute shit, and pulling on his boots and coat at the front door.
 
“Where are my car keys?” Marianne asked in distress. She turned over her purse, emptying the contents onto the floor.
 
“You can’t drive anymore, Mum,” Isak explained. “They had to take your license away, remember?”
 
His mother crouched down and ran her fingers through the assortment of objects in front of her. House keys. Wallet. Tampons. Mobile phone. An old hospital ID bracelet that had been in there for god knows how long. Rosary beads. A miniature bible.
 
She stood up quickly. “It was her, wasn’t it? I told you, Isak, she would try and stop us.”
 
Lea had hidden the keys somewhere, of course. But telling her that would only make things worse.
 
“Let’s just take the bus. It’s only a short trip, anyway.”
 
He helped her collect her things and put on her outerwear, then threaded an arm through her’s as they walked down the street in the cold, dark morning. When he thought she wasn’t paying attention, he pulled out his phone to send a text to Lea explaining where they were. There was a message from Even sitting on his screen.

Just making sure you’re okay. I’m at my parents’ house now. Let me know if you need anything.

“Who is Even Kosegruppa?” his mother asked over his shoulder, making him jump.
 
“Nobody,” he said hastily, then added when she narrowed her eyes, “just a friend from school. Don’t worry about it.”
 
It felt wrong to brush Even off like that, especially after the text his mother had sent him. But anything that could potentially stress her out right now was probably best avoided.
 
“Why does he want to know if you need anything?” she pressed. “You don’t need anything. Your mother is taking care of you now.”
 
Isak locked his phone, put it back in his pocket. “Yes, Mum.”
 
They arrived at the church a short time later. The place he’d fled from that night, when Even had needed him the most. His mother hadn’t brought it up, yet. He wondered if her denial ran so deep that she’d blocked that night from her mind.
 
A few parishioners glanced at them on their way in. At Marianne, in her winter coat and straw hat. It brought back too many memories from his childhood. Please, Mum, stop muttering things under your breath. Everyone is staring at us.
 
“This church is a part of our family, Isak,” she said beside him, oblivious to the attention they were receiving. “You were baptised here. Born anew into the light of God. They won’t be able to get us here.”
 
“You’re right,” he responded numbly.
 
There weren’t many people attending the morning service. Mostly elderly people, shuffling and creaking towards their seats. An odd stillness seemed to echo through the old building. So much space, Isak observed, in the arched ceiling (scaffolding now removed) and the wide alter and corridors. So much emptiness.
 
“Isn’t that nice?” an old woman remarked loudly to her husband as Isak and Marianne passed. She smiled in their direction. “You don’t see many young men take such good care of their mothers these days, do you, dear?”
 
Isak gave her a half-hearted smile back as he helped his mother take a seat in one of the empty pews.
 
“We’re too far back,” she complained. “I can’t see the alter.”
 
“There are too many old people,” he whispered. “Let them sit in the front.”
 
Marianne huffed, but made no further protests. She took one of the bibles from the little shelf in the back of the pew and began to thumb through it. Isak tried not to think about his recently recurring nightmare…how the church always caved in on itself.
 
The organist spoke hurriedly to the alter boy as the last few stragglers finished exchanging greetings and taking seats. He recognised a few faces, now. Churchgoing families he had known since he was a boy, the signs of age distinctly more evident on their faces than they had been in his memory. Nearly all had come without their children. There were a few young couples Isak didn’t recognise with disgruntled toddlers squirming in their arms, but that was it. In the entire place, he was the only person from his generation.
 
He felt like such a fraud.
 
“This is one of my favourite Psalms,” his mother said softly beside him, pointing to the bible page she’d bookmarked. “Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion, blot out my transgressions…”
 
She’d sent him this one before, he was sure of it, but he couldn’t remember when. His eyes focused on the picture of Christ being removed from the cross, which hung above the alter, as the organist began to play.
 
“Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin-”
 
The parishioners got to their feet - or those who could stand, anyway. A little old man, hunched over in the front row, wobbled slightly on his cane as he forced his old body to stand before his God.
 
“-For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.”
 
The procession began to make its way inside, led by the stone faced alter boy. The priest was one he recognised from his childhood, too. The one with the very kind face. The one from his dream.

We can all see you, Isak Valtersen. We all know what you’re doing. God can see too.

“Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight; so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge.”
 
The parishioners were singing a hymn that he only half remembered, but Isak was hardly paying attention. He thought about six-year-old Isak, telling the other students at school with unshakable certainty that they would probably all go to hell. Ten-year-old Isak, bored and coming up with imaginary games in his head during church, and wondering if it was blasphemous. Fourteen-year-old Isak, masturbating to secret fantasies of beautiful men and then crying himself to sleep afterwards. Sixteen-year-old Isak, intoxicated and sobbing alone in a gay bar late at night before Eskild found him.
 
“Surely, I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.”
 
“Let us pray,” the priest announced from the alter in a booming voice, and the congregation obeyed.
 
“I feel sick,” Isak murmured to his mother.
 
Marianne paused in her reading, regarding him curiously. “I don’t understand, Issy.”
 
The elderly woman who had called him ‘nice’ earlier was studying him from across the walkway, in deep concern.
 
“I-I can’t do this,” he stammered. “I’ll wait for you outside, okay?”
 
“Issy,” his mother looked afraid, “Issy, don’t leave me.”
 
“I’ll be just outside, I promise.”
 
He left the church just the way he’d done the last time, without once glancing behind him. Dropped down onto a bench in the narrow entranceway, and allowed his head to fall between his legs. Felt his vision swim in front of him…little white dots dancing across the surface of his eyes. Tried to think of something else, anything else.
 
Seventeen-year-old Isak kissing Even Bech Næsheim for the first time under the water.
 
Seventeen-year-old Isak sitting on the bus back from the cabin, surrounded by his friends.
 
Seventeen-year-old Isak getting a text from his mum, that said she loved him and always would.
 
He was different now, that was true. But those older versions of himself were lurking just beneath the surface. The sadness and the loneliness and the self-hatred was a part of him he feared he might never be rid of.
 
Somehow - no matter how far he’d come - he’d still always be that little boy, terrified of going to hell.
 
****

Saturday, 14 January, 2017

13:34

“I told both my parents about you late last year,” Isak said to Even. “Neither of them reacted the way I expected them to.”
 
Even was momentarily taken aback.
 
“You’re surprised?” Isak asked with a wan smile.
 
“I guess, well, based on what you’d told me about them - and when I met your dad - I assumed they had no idea.”
 
“I told my dad your name, in a text, but he must have forgotten it when he met you. There’s been a lot of stress lately, so that makes sense,” Isak shrugged. “At first, he wanted to know if I was joking, but after he got over that he was sort of cool with it. He’s pretty cold at the best of times, but he didn’t seem bothered by it, at least.”
 
“That’s great,” Even beamed at him. “So…I guess next time I run into him, I don’t need to pretend to be your random friend from school.”
 
“I guess not,” Isak laughed shyly. “But, with my mum, it’s a whole other story.”
 
Even waited for him to continue. A long arm draped casually over the knee that was resting on the windowsill.
 
“I sent her this text…saying that I’d met someone. And she wrote back to me the next day.”
 
“What did her reply say?” Even asked quietly, as though he was dreading the answer.
 
Isak glanced up at him and gave a tiny smile. “She said that she loves me.”
 
Even smiled back at him, eyes practically brimming with relief. “Of course she does.”
 
“The thing is, though,” said Isak, “it’s not always enough. She loves me, but she loves God more.”
 
“I can understand that,” Even replied sadly.
 
Isak tilted his head to one side. “You’re not religious, are you?”
 
He hadn’t gotten that impression from Even’s family. But of course, he could be wrong.
 
“No, not really. My parents are pretty much atheists. I never got baptised, or went to church as a kid, or anything like that,” Even admitted. “But I had friends who were religious, growing up.”
 
Isak remembered what Sonja had said, about Even memorising the Qur’an. Did these friends have anything to do with that? He wasn’t brave enough to ask.
 
“Do you believe in God?” he asked instead.
 
Even shrugged. “I believe that there are forces in this universe that we’ll never fully understand. Things that we are incapable of comprehending.”
 
“Sana said something like that to me, once.”
 
His boyfriend grinned. “Sana is pretty awesome.”
 
They passed a few minutes in silence, staring out the window.
 
“Isak,” Even asked, somewhat anxiously, “do you think that because of your mum’s beliefs, she might never really accept you being with me?”
 
“I don’t know,” he said earnestly. “It’s weird with her. Sometimes, she’ll have these moments of clarity - like when she sent me that text - where she seems really lucid and aware of the world and what’s going on around her. But sometimes…”
 
He trailed away, searching for the right way to describe it.
 
“Sometimes…?” Even prompted.
 
“Sometimes…sometimes are like this week was.”
 
****

Sunday, 8 January, 2017

10:33

There were several messages and missed calls from Lea on Isak’s phone.

Where the hell are you? I’m calling the police!!

He dialled her number hurriedly, and she answered on the first ring.
 
“Don’t call the police,” he said immediately. “Everything’s fine. I took her to church.”
 
“You took her where?” his sister exploded. “Isak, you can’t just take her out of the house like that. She’s not well. She needs to be at home.”
 
“What was I supposed to do?” he argued. He was getting really tired of being the one to do everything wrong. He was getting really tired, generally. “She wanted to go. If I tried to stop her, it would be more trouble than it’s worth.”
 
Lea sighed heavily. “Where is she now?”
 
“Still in the church. It’s finishing up, so we’ll be home soon. I’m waiting for her on a bench in the foyer.”
 
“Wait, you left her alone!? In a public place!?”
 
He didn’t have time to respond, as the procession made it’s way through the double doors, shortly followed by members of the congregation. Marianne spotted him and came barrelling towards him.
 
“She’s here,” he said quickly, “I have to go.”
 
He hung up just as she reached him.
 
“Isak Valtersen, what were you thinking?” she shouted at him, loud enough for a few nearby parishioners to stop their conversation and listen in. “How could you embarrass me like that?”
 
He stood up and was about to answer her, when he felt a sharp sting as her hand connected against his cheek. Shock overcame him, as a deafening silence filled the foyer in its wake. Tears pushed at the corners of his eyes, and he wiped them away hurriedly.
 
The elderly woman from inside the church rapidly approached, seemingly from nowhere.
 
“Are you okay, young man?”
 
“Leave them be, dear,” her husband tugged gently at her arm. “Don’t get involved.”
 
Marianne was gazing at the palm of her hand, as though she couldn’t believe what it had just done. Isak could feel the imprint of it against the side of his face.
 
“It’s okay, Mum,” he told her kindly. “It’s fine. I’m not hurt.”
 
“You should be ashamed of yourself,” the old woman practically spat, as her husband dragged her away, “laying a hand on your son like that. And in a house of God, no less.”
 
Isak wrapped an arm around his mother’s shoulders. “Let’s get out of here, okay?”
 
Every pair of eyes watched as he steered her out of the building and towards home.
 
****

Saturday, 14 January, 2017

13:52

“I learnt pretty early on in life to just agree with whatever my mum says,” Isak said. “Even if she’s wrong. It’s just easier that way, especially when she’s stressed.”
 
They had moved from the windowsill to Even’s couch. Isak was lying between his boyfriend’s legs, head resting on his chest, eyes focused on the base of the bunk bed. It felt safe and comfortable like this. It was easier to talk, somehow, when he didn’t have to look into Even’s eyes.
 
“Isak,” he heard the other boy say softly. Each time he spoke, Isak could feel the vibrations of the words in his chest, “what do you mean by ‘stressed’?”
 
“It’s just the way my dad has always described it to people, when she’s like this.”
 
He’d had a constant running mantra in his head since this conversation began. Don’t use the word ‘crazy’. Don’t use the word ‘crazy’.
 
Even’s hand ran tenderly up and down Isak’s chest.
 
“One example I can give you…remember when I told you she used to think my uncle was Donald Trump?” Isak waited until he felt Even nod before continuing. “She thought that he was sending secret messages to us through his campaign speeches, during the US Primaries. She was convinced he was her long lost half brother, and nothing could change her mind.”
 
“But…she doesn’t believe that anymore?”
 
“I don’t think so,” said Isak. “She gets these weird ideas in her head from time to time. She’ll obsess over them, focus on them so it’s all she can think about, and then all of a sudden it’s like it never happened. If you try to bring it up, she’ll just laugh or tell you that you’re making it up. Or she just won’t remember.”
 
“Okay,” Even answered, as he appeared to mull this over in his head, “I think I understand what you mean, now.”
 
Isak took a deep breath, preparing himself for what he knew he would have to say next.
 
“This time - the reason why I went over there - she believes that Lea has a computer chip in her brain, implanted there by the Illuminati to make her to the devil’s work. She calls it the ‘mark of the beast’. Like in the bible.”
 
He waited, half-expectantly, for Even to laugh at how ridiculous that sounded. But no laughter came. His hand continued running its comforting path over Isak’s body without missing a beat.
 
“I think it’s my fault,” Isak admitted shamefully.
 
He felt Even sit up slightly behind him. “Isak, it’s never your fault, okay? Never.”
 
It was, though, Isak thought sadly. This time it really was.
 
****

Monday, 9 January, 2017

06:00

He’d made it back to the Kollektiv with just enough time to do what he needed to do. Throw all his clothes into the laundry downstairs, repack his bag, shower, and grab his school things. For a while, he thought he might actually make it to school without any nagging from his housemates. That was naive, of course.
 
“Isak?” Eskild poked his head around Isak’s bedroom door tentatively, two mugs of coffee in hand.
 
Isak managed a smile as he continued packing. “Hey, Eskild.”
 
“I made you some coffee,” his housemate outstretched one of the mugs. “I thought you might need it.”
 
“Thanks,” he replied gratefully. “That’s really cool of you.”
 
Eskild perched on the edge of his freshly made bed (Even had done some cleaning up for Isak before he left on Saturday, it seemed), and quietly sipped from his mug. Isak drained half of his hastily, before setting it on his bedside table.
 
“Are you going to school?”
 
“Yeah, of course,” Isak responded. It wasn’t like he could miss too many classes. Besides, he needed to be there for Even today.
 
“I don’t know if you should,” the other boy pondered. “You look like shit. Like you might drop over dead at any minute.”
 
If there was one thing Isak could count on, it was that Eskild would always be honest with him. Sometimes too honest.
 
“Thanks for that, buddy.”
 
“I’m just saying, it looks like you really need a rest,” Eskild continued sympathetically. “Maybe it’s a better idea to stay home today and sleep? You’ll need your beauty rest if you want to keep your boyfriend.”
 
“Don’t even joke about that, okay?” Isak sighed. “I’m stressed out enough as it is.”
 
The humorous expression on Eskild’s face dropped instantly. “Isak, do you need to-”
 
“Don’t say it!” Isak cut him off abruptly.
 
“Say what?”
 
“Don’t say, ‘do you need to talk’. Please. I’m so sick of it,” he basically begged. “You’re not my fucking babysitter, okay?”
 
He knew he was being an asshole, but he was just so exhausted and so fed up with people wanting to know if he ‘needed to talk’ that it was hard to keep his temper under wraps. He zipped up his sports bag full of clothes and threw it over his shoulder.
 
“I never said I was,” Eskild said gently. “I’m your friend. Also your occasional guru and role model, of course. But friend first and foremost. And I’m worried about you.”
 
Fucking Eskild. Now Isak felt guilty for snapping at him.
 
“Are you going to stay here tonight?” the other boy asked.
 
“I don’t know,” Isak answered honestly. He wished he could, but there was no way he could leave Lea alone just yet.
 
“Can you let me know?” Eskild continued. “I know, I know, you don’t want to talk. But…can you at least let me know that you’re alright?”
 
“I’m alright,” Isak told him, with what he hoped was enough conviction.
 
He gathered the rest of his things and went to school.
 
****

14:18

“Isak…Isak!”
 
Isak jolted forward in his seat when he felt a sharp jab in his side. He looked around frantically, before he noticed Sana scowling next to him in their Biology classroom.
 
“What?” her asked her drowsily.
 
His friend pursed her purple lipstick lips. “You fell asleep again.”
 
Isak glanced down at the notebook on his desk. A wet splodge of drool had distorted some of the blue ink on the page.
 
“Fuck,” he muttered, more to himself than to the girl next to him.
 
Sana studied him for a moment, before she expelled a sigh.
 
“Okay, that’s the third time this lesson. What is going on with you?”
 
He honestly didn’t have the energy to try and come up with a convincing excuse. He shrugged meekly instead.
 
He was half prepared for an onslaught, when Sana suddenly stuck her hand up in the air.
 
“Miss, I need to go to the school doctor,” she declared.
 
The Biology teacher approached them slowly. She was dressed in her trademark white shirt today, nipples proudly on display.
 
“Oh? Are you feeling unwell, Sana?”
 
“No, but I need to get some painkillers and a pad,” she gave her most sarcastic, most Sana-esque smirk. “It’s the monthly curse. I’m sure you’ll understand.”
 
A few of the other students sniggered.
 
“Oh! Well, uh, of course,” the teacher responded, more than a little flustered. “Will you be okay by yourself, or do you need a friend to go with you?”
 
Isak felt Sana grip his shoulder. “Isak can do it. He lives with two other girls, so he’s used to hearing about cramps.”
 
It was actually true. Linn and Noora had given him more insight into the ‘monthly curse’ than he’d ever wanted in his lifetime. Even more students laughed this time around.
 
“As long as you’re comfortable with that,” the teacher conceded.
 
Sana began to hastily gather her things, so Isak followed suit. His friend grabbed hold of his wrist and practically dragged him out the door.
 
“Okay, I might not know a lot about girls, but I know you definitely don’t need help to go and get a pad,” Isak teased her once they were out in the corridor.
 
Sana let go of him and gave him a look that clearly indicated he was the biggest idiot on the planet.
 
“I don’t actually have my period, Isak. I just said that because I knew it would make that stupid teacher feel awkward, and let us go without asking too many questions.”
 
“Oh,” Isak nodded, before instantly becoming puzzled. “So where are we actually going, then?”
 
“We’re going to find a place where you can get some fucking sleep.”
 
She started walking again without waiting to see if he’d follow. Why did people keep doing that to him? He followed her blindly up the stairs and around another corridor, eventually stopping in front of a room he’d never noticed before. When she opened the door, he realised that it was shoebox size. A few mats, blankets and pillows were piled up against the back wall, and the curtains were completely drawn. A tiny lamp sat on a small coffee table, next to an old CD player with a few meditation tapes stacked on it.
 
“What the hell is this place?” he asked incredulously.
 
Sana switched on the lamp, allowing a very dim light to fill the space.
 
“This,” she said slowly, “is the prayer room.”
 
Isak was even more confused. “Huh? Since when does this school have a prayer room?”
 
“Since the Muslim students put a petition together to get one, so we can do our midday and afternoon prayers in peace,” she explained. “It’s also a meditation room, but I don’t think anybody has used it for that before.”
 
“And…you’re okay with me sleeping here?”
 
Sana rolled her eyes. “It’s not exactly consecrated ground. Hardly anyone knows it’s here, and you’ve got a good half hour before next class starts to use it.”
 
“Okay,” Isak eventually agreed. It was a damn tempting offer.
 
She grabbed one of the mats and rolled it out in the far corner of the room, positioning a pillow on her back and leaning against it.
 
“You’re not going to stay and watch me sleep, are you?” he asked with narrowed eyes.
 
“No,” she frowned, “I’m going to stay here and go on Instagram. Don’t you think it’ll be suspicious if I come back to class without you?”
 
He really couldn’t argue with her. Isak grabbed a mat, blanket and pillow and retreated to the furthest place from her.
 
“I’ll wake you up in twenty minutes,” she said, reaching over to switch off the light.
 
“Thanks, Sana,” Isak found himself saying into the relative darkness as he curled up, “for, uh, not asking too many questions.”
 
“You can make it up to me by not falling asleep on me again.”
 
He didn’t need to see her to know that she was smirking. His eyes drifted closed.
 
****

16:05

Even had texted him.

Spoke to Noora today. She asked me if I could ask you to call Eskild and let him know you’re doing okay. If you don’t feel like it, I can always call him for you? Just need his number.

Of course. Eskild wasn’t going to let this go, unless Isak finally spoke to him. He sighed and typed out a short reply.

I’ll call him <3

“Little buddy!” Eskild answered brightly when he picked up the phone.
 
“I heard you roped Even and Noora into getting me on the phone,” Isak said dryly. “Are you that desperate?”
 
Eskild made a tutting sound. “Don’t flatter yourself. How’s things at your mother’s?”
 
“Fine,” he lied, then decided to give in a little. “Fine as they can be. It’s weird being back in my old bedroom.”
 
“Probably because it smells like farts,” Eskild said seriously. “You don’t have any of my nice lavender scent to protect you over there.”
 
Isak couldn’t help cracking up. “You know what? Probably.”
 
“Do you miss me yet?”
 
“Yes, Eskild,” Isak held the phone away from his ear so he could roll his eyes at it.
 
“Of course you do,” the other boy sounded smug. “And how are you otherwise? Do you need anything? I know you don’t want to talk, but could I at least bring you something over from home?”
 
“Not really,” Isak gave a little shrug as he glanced around the empty room. “To be honest, there’s not much anyone can do.”
 
There was a few seconds of silence on the other end of the line.
 
“Isak…have you told Even what’s going on with you?”
 
It was the question he hadn’t been willing to face yet. The thing that was becoming harder and harder to avoid. His behaviour was weird, Isak knew that. Even had every right to be confused, and perhaps even irritated, with him for how he’d been acting. The bubble around their lovely new relationship was splitting at the seams.
 
“I’ll find the right time,” he said.
 
“Will you, though?”
 
Isak frowned. “Eskild, the last time I tried talking to Even about my mum, he told me he needed space and didn’t speak to me for a week.”
 
“That was different, though,” Eskild reasoned. “You’re in an established relationship now. You know Even is bipolar. Things are less murky.”
 
“Maybe,” Isak was hesitant.
 
When Eskild spoke next, it was with the same kindness and softness that he’d used the night he brought Isak back to the Kollektiv for the first time. You can stay here for as long as you need, okay? I won’t tell a soul.
 
“I know how hard this is for you, opening up to people. But, Isak, I think if you’re going to let anyone in, it should be Even. He of all people will understand what you’re going through at the moment. And he loves you.”
 
“I don’t know about that,” Isak scoffed, though his heart had just started beating faster.
 
“Isak,” Eskild said seriously, “trust me. He loves you.”
 
Isak couldn’t keep the smile off his face, cheeks reddening as he stared ahead into nothing.
 
“Okay,” he replied, barely above a whisper, “I’ll try.”
 
****

Saturday, 14 January, 2017

14:04

“Jonas, Mahdi, Magnus and I have these jokes about Illuminati,” Isak explained. “I told Lea about it, and I think my mum might have overhead us laughing about the Illuminati controlling everything, and joking about how they could be anyone, anywhere, anytime. The idea must have gotten into her head that way.”
 
Even was silent for a moment.
 
“That would have been months ago, right? Before you moved out?”
 
“Yeah,” Isak conceded, “but who knows how long those thoughts have been stewing around in her brain for? The point is, if it wasn’t for me, she wouldn’t think Lea was out to get her right now.”
 
He felt Even’s hand reach for his, entwining their fingers together and resting them on his chest.
 
“Isak, if I told my mum a joke about the Illuminati, do you think she would believe it was true?”
 
“No,” Isak said bitterly, “but your mum is normal, so…”
 
He regretted the words as soon as they came out. Even’s fingers tightened around his hand for just a second, but he didn’t comment.
 
“My point is, it doesn’t matter what you said to her, this could have happened regardless. It might not even be related to you. We’ll probably never know.”
 
Small chance in hell of that, Isak thought. But then again, perhaps there was some truth to it.
 
“Blaming yourself isn’t going to change anything. It’s certainly not going to help your mum get better,” his boyfriend continued. “My parents used to blame themselves for me being bipolar. I know what that looks like. I know where that road goes. All it ever did was make me feel worse, because I knew how much they were suffering from guilt. Don’t do it to yourself. You don’t deserve it.”
 
Isak licked his lips. “I know you’re right. I do. I just don’t fully believe it yet, if that makes sense.”
 
Even kissed the top of his head. “You’ll get there.”
 
****

Wednesday, 11 January, 2017

20:12

He missed Even. He missed Even so fucking much.
 
He didn’t even have the energy to pretend he was going to school that morning. He’d spent most of the night awake again, trying to coax his mother back into bed after she’d woken up repeatedly to try cooking something in the kitchen. Terje would be hungry when he got home, she said. He’d need something to eat. And where were her stainless steel knives? Why did Isak and Lea always treat her like a child? She was a grown woman. A well respected doctor.
 
Isak had slept through most of the day, waking up sporadically to check that Marianne and Lea were okay. His sister seemed to have accepted - begrudgingly - that staying away was the best thing she could do for their mother right now. It didn’t make her any more pleasant to deal with. Being alone in his room was the closest he’d gotten to a safe haven. He’d passed out sometime in the afternoon, and had woken up in total darkness.
 
The drawing Even had slipped into his Chemistry textbook yesterday was now tucked under his pillow. He pulled it out to look at it before venturing downstairs.

Here whenever you need me <3

You are amazing.

Eskild was right about one thing. He needed to talk to Even. Needed to break the bubble, just a little, and let him in to this side of his world. But damn, it was going to be hard. He was scared of what Even would think of him if he knew.
 
Hiding the drawing away again, he went down to the kitchen to search for something to eat. Lea was there, scrubbing at the kitchen counters with a sponge. They were covered in what appeared to be a strange brown syrup.
 
“Mum wanted to cook for Dad again,” she explained without looking up.
 
Wordlessly, Isak grabbed another sponge and helped her.
 
“Is she okay now?” he asked after some time.
 
Lea shrugged. “I don’t know. She still won’t talk to me. I got her to go back to bed, at least.”
 
“It will pass eventually, Lea,” Isak said gently. “You know that, right?”
 
Lea only shrugged at him again.
 
Some grocery bags were pressed against the far counter, still partially full.
 
“You went shopping?” Isak asked tentatively.
 
“Nope,” Lea turned to face him, sponge still in hand. “Some friends of yours dropped it over. I was going to wake you up, but then I heard Mum making a mess in the kitchen, so I had to hurry off.”
 
“What?”
 
Isak fished through the bag, retrieving a small spice jar and inspecting the label. Cardamom? His heart stopped for second.
 
“Yeah, Jonas and another guy,” he heard Lea say behind him. “Um, a guy called Even.”
 
He put the cardamom down on the counter, fighting to remain calm.
 
“Did they come inside? Did…did they see Mum?”
 
“No, of course not,” Lea replied incredulously. “She was already freaking out. She didn’t need unexpected guests. They just gave me some food, asked to see you, and then by the time I came back from sorting Mum out they’d bailed.”
 
“Oh,” Isak allowed relief to wash over him.
 
“Do you want cheese toasties or pasta for dinner?” his sister asked, returning to her cleaning. “Or there’s instant noodles, too. They brought a lot of stuff over.”
 
“It’s fine, I’ll make something after I clean all this up. You just get what you want.”
 
They finished clearing most of the sticky substance off the counters and floors. Isak squeezed the residue from the sponges out in the sink, while Lea sat down on one of the bar stools, oddly contemplative.
 
“So, that Even guy,” she eventually spoke, sounding perhaps too casual, “how do you know him?”
 
Did Jonas and Even say anything that might give it away? He was already out to both his parents - there was a good chance they’d told his sister too. There was a good chance she was fishing for information she’d already guessed at. But it wouldn’t be so obvious that Even was his boyfriend just from a short conversation, surely?
 
“From school,” he answered nonchalantly.
 
Lea nodded. “Is he in your year?”
 
“Uh no, he’s third year.”
 
“Oh, okay. So he’s what, eighteen? Nineteen, then?”
 
Isak turned the taps off and dried his hands. Why so many questions all of a sudden? This was the most he’d gotten her to say to him over the last two days.
 
“Something like that.”
 
“How did you meet him, then? If he’s not in any of your classes.”
 
Isak narrowed his eyes at her suspiciously. “A theatre group.”
 
“What?” Lea spluttered. “You’re in a theatre group? Like, in the school revue and everything?”
 
“Is that really so hard to believe?”
 
She practically cackled. “Yes!”
 
Isak rolled his eyes. He began searching through the fridge and pantry for some bread and cheese.
 
“So anyway,” his sister continued awkwardly, once he’d assembled the ingredients, “does Even…like, is he into theatre and stuff, then?”
 
“Why are you so interested in Even?” Isak asked, genuinely perplexed.
 
Lea’s whole face turned bright red as she suddenly focused in the counter. “I’m not interested in him, Isak! Shut up! I’m just asking normal questions, god!”
 
What the fuck? Why was she being so weird? He’d never fully understand women.
 
“Want a cheese toastie?” he decided to change the subject.
 
His sister looked fairly sheepish. “…Okay.”
 
Isak made his with cardamon. He’d send a photo of it to Even at 21:21, or as close as he could get to that time, anyway. He wanted his boyfriend to know how much he appreciated everything he did.
 
***

Thursday, 12 January, 2017

11:22

“Hi, Isak!” two total strangers chirped at him in unison as they passed him in the corridor.
 
“Hi,” Isak said back to the girls, though they’d already walked away, whispering something and giggling together.
 
“I am so fucking confused,” he confessed to Jonas, who was walking beside him.
 
His best friend laughed. “Don’t look at me. I’ve got no idea.”
 
He shrugged as they reached their lockers and began grabbing the textbooks for their next class.
 
“Have you seen Even yet today?” Jonas asked him.
 
He hadn’t. They’d spent most of last night texting each other - just stupid things like memes and inside jokes - until he’d passed out and woken up with low phone battery. He’d been late to school since he’d had to charge it, get himself out of bed and get his mum up and feeling comfortable enough before he left.
 
“Not yet,” he said. “I know I already said it, but you know, thanks again. For bringing that stuff over yesterday.”
 
“Don’t get mushy,” Jonas grinned at him. “How are things going, anyway?”
 
Isak shrugged. “It is what it is. I’m just waiting for the storm to pass so life can go back to normal again.”
 
The new normal. It was strange to think that the way he was living now had been normal once, what felt like a long time ago.
 
“Hi, Isak!”
 
Isak groaned as Noora more or less skipped over to them. “Not you too!”
 
She tilted her head to one side, frowning. “Not me what?”
 
“You’re not turning into one of those ‘Hi, Isak!’ girls, are you?” Jonas questioned.
 
“Uh, I wasn’t planning on it,” Noora laughed in confusion. “I’m not allowed to say hi anymore? What’s a ‘Hi, Isak!’ girl?”
 
“Never mind,” said Isak. “Hi, Noora.”
 
She grinned, apparently satisfied with this, and continued on her way. Thankfully sans any giggling.
 
***

Saturday, 14 January, 2017

14:39

Isak’s eyes were drifting closed, his grip on his boyfriend’s hand loosening.
 
“If we stay like this, I’m going to fall asleep again,” he said.
 
Even’s thumb ran across the top of his hand. “Do you want to take a nap?”
 
Isak nodded against his chest, suddenly shy. Even shifted behind him, releasing his hand and moving off the couch. Isak fell back onto one of the pillows, turning over onto his side. He watched as Even stood on his toes to reach something from the bunk bed, his stomach muscles flexing slightly underneath his shirt at the same time. He pulled a blanket back down with him, draping it over Isak’s body.
 
“So,” Isak said sadly, “now you know…about my mum.”
 
Even leaned in close, pushed a few curls off his forehead. “I’m glad you told me.”
 
It felt strange to have so much out in the open now. To have shared a piece of the thing he was most ashamed of, most protective of, with another person. In many ways, it had left him drained.
 
He pulled the blanket up towards his nose. Just like the hoodie he was wearing, it smelt of Even.
 
“I just want to stay here and sleep,” he paused to yawn, “for the next thousand years. Is that cool?”
 
Even kissed him softly on the lips. “That’s cool.”
 
Before he drifted off, his bleary eyes came to focus on the piece of paper directly opposite him, stuck on Even’s wardrobe. It was the first thing he’d seen that morning when he woke up just before Even walked in, and he made up his mind to tell him everything.

Alt er love.

****

Friday, 13 January, 2017

18:44

“I think you should go home tonight.”
 
Isak glanced across the living room at his sister, who had just spoken out of the blue.
 
“Are you serious?” he said. “I’m not going to leave you here, when Mum is still stressing out.”
 
Lea crossed her legs on the couch, back straight as she faced him with determination.
 
“I’m going to have to deal with it alone eventually. I mean, it’s not like you were planning on coming back here forever, were you?”
 
He was sure that was partly a subtle jab at him, but it came across as fairly pragmatic. She had a point, anyway. He didn’t want to stay here forever. The past week had been a bizarre trip into a past that his present felt so disconnected from. It was what had kept him going. That is new life - the life he had been building for himself - was waiting for him to come back to it.
 
“Now that I know what’s going on with her, I should be able to cope myself,” his sister rationalised. “I’ll find a way to convince her that I don’t have a chip in my brain. Shouldn’t be too hard to do, right?”
 
They shared a smile over this tiny joke, and for a minute it was like his baby sister was back. The one who had his sense of humour, who looked up to him and loved him. Not the one who felt betrayed by the choices he’d been forced to make.
 
“I’ll drop by over the next few days to check how things are going,” he offered.
 
“Actually, that might be sort of cool,” she said. “Thanks, Isak. Um, for everything.”
 
They finished watching the episode of ‘The Simpsons’ that was on TV together, before Isak collected his things. He stopped by his mother’s room, only to find her sound asleep, tangled up in her blankets. Watched her for a minute before he closed the door. The relief he felt as he walked down the stairs breathed new life into him.
 
He was going home. His real home.
 
“What do you think you’ll do this weekend?” Lea asked, leaning on the stair bannisters as he put his boots and coat on.
 
“I don’t know. My housemate, Eskild, told me he’s having a Friday 13th party tonight. I’m not really in the mood for a party so I probably won’t stick around too long. I might just dump my stuff there and then go hang out with Even.”
 
Lea’s cheeks turned pink. “Oh right. Even.”
 
“Want me to tell him you say hi?”
 
“No!” she exclaimed. “I mean, don’t do that. Just, like…be cool.”
 
“Uh, okay?” he laughed at her confusedly.
 
Once he’d finished getting ready, she surprised him by pulling him into a stiff hug.
 
“Bye, Isak,” she said once she’d let go.
 
He gave her a tiny smile. “Bye, Lea.”
 
***

20:05

Lise Bech was smiling at him in the Bech Næsheim’s warm, bright apartment. Her hand patted his back as the rest of the family gathered around.
 
“Of course!” she told him. “You’re welcome anytime, remember? We love having you over. I think there’s still some taco bits and pieces in the kitchen if you’re hungry.”
 
A thought crossed his mind that made him feel a thousand different things at once.
 
This is what it must feel like. This is what it must be like to have a mum who wanted to look after you. To feed you and keep you safe. To make sure you never had to worry about not being loved enough.
 
“Isak?” Lise asked, her face suddenly creasing with concern.
 
He hadn’t even realised that the tears were starting to fall.
 
***

Saturday, 14 January, 2017

18:15

Even’s calloused fingers running through his hair gently brought Isak awake.
 
“Sorry to wake you,” his boyfriend said softly. “I thought you might be hungry.”
 
Isak groaned, but nodded nonetheless. When he opened his eyes, he saw that it was dark outside once again. Had he really slept through the whole afternoon? He felt groggy, but like some of his energy was coming back, at least.
 
He slowly got up and followed Even to the apartment’s dining and living area. The table had been set for two people, along with a bottle of red wine.
 
“Where are your parents?” Isak asked.
 
Even was already heading towards the kitchen. He called out over his shoulder.
 
“They went out for a few hours. They wanted to give us some time alone.”
 
“Wow, seriously?” Isak laughed a little. “That’s…really nice.”
 
Even emerged from the kitchen with a large serving bowl. Smiled his trademark smile.
 
“I made pasta.”
 
“So this is like, a romantic dinner for two with pasta and red wine?” Isak blushed. “You’re really cheesy sometimes, you know that?”
 
Even pretended to be offended. “I can just keep all the pasta and red wine for myself if you’d prefer.”
 
“No!” Isak said hastily. “Cheesy is good. I like cheesy.”
 
He sat down and tried not to feel awkward as Even served him food and filled his wine glass. Since everything that had happened, Isak realised, he hadn’t really eaten a proper meal in over twenty four hours. That pasta was looking and smelling damn good.
 
“I don’t drink wine normally,” he confessed, as Even started drinking from his own glass.
 
It didn’t exactly fit in with the whole macho image thing he’d been going for. His boyfriend rose both eyebrows at him and waited expectantly, so Isak trepidatiously brought the glass to his lips. He tried not to wince as the tangy red liquid slid down his throat.
 
“Want a beer instead?” Even asked, clearly trying not to laugh.
 
Isak shook his head fervently and took another sip. “No. We’re being classy, damn it.”
 
Even spluttered at that. “Whatever you say.”
 
Red wine went to his head much faster than beer, Isak discovered. By the time they’d finished eating, the bottle was empty, and he was feeling rather tipsy. When Even suggested that they go and sit on the couch, his drunken brain decided it was a good idea to drop straight into his boyfriend’s lap, straddling him with both thighs and wrapping his arms around his neck.
 
“So you like the wine after all?” Even teased him, as Isak’s weight pushed him back into the couch.
 
“I like you,” Isak said, right before connecting their lips together in a sloppy kiss.
 
It was just that Even looked so good, in the dim lamplight, with his lips darkened from the wine and his shirt hanging low on his collarbone like that. And they hadn’t had the chance to be together like this in over a week, now. It made perfect sense to basically maul him after dinner, right? He felt Even kissing him back, his hands on Isak’s hips.
 
“So what happens now?” he pulled back and grinned jokingly. “Do you play guitar for me or do you start saying dirty things in Spanish?”
 
Even rose an eyebrow at him. “Do you want me to do either of those things?”
 
“No,” he blushed, glancing away.
 
Yes. He really wanted Even to do both of those things.
 
“Quiero besar todas las partes de tu cuerpo.”
 
“What does that mean?” he asked casually.
 
Even smirked. “It means, ‘I want to kiss you all over your body’.”
 
Oh. Wow. Isak suddenly felt very hot everywhere.
 
“Did you learn that in Spanish class?” he asked innocently.
 
“No,” Even laughed. “It’s extracurricular.”
 
“Which means, you Googled ‘Spanish dirty talk’, didn’t you?”
 
His boyfriend grinned and shrugged. “You seemed into it. I thought it might come in handy.”
 
Isak couldn’t hold off kissing him any more. His tongue slid into Even’s mouth, making him give that little sigh of pleasure that always made Isak feel a bit proud of himself.
 
“Okay,” he said in a low voice.
 
“Okay what?” Even breathed.
 
Isak felt himself smile. “Okay, you can kiss me all over my body.”
 
Even’s mouth dropped open, then, eyes wide and full of lust.
 
“Bedroom?” he asked hoarsely.
 
Isak nodded before locking their lips together again.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Sunday, 15 January, 2017
 
07:02
 
“It’s snowing again,” Even said quietly into the darkness, while Isak played absently with his hair. He glanced over towards the window.
 
They were lying naked together in the bunk bed, blankets tangled around them. They’d both woken up around fifteen minutes or so ago, but neither had wanted to move. For Even, the bed and Isak’s warm body pressed against him was just too comfortable and inviting. He was glad it was Sunday morning, and they had no place to be, and nothing to do.
 
Isak didn’t bother to turn around so he could see the snow that was falling on the windowsill. He continued running his fingers through the long bit of hair that had escaped onto Even’s forehead, pushing it back repeatedly every time it flopped forward. There were a few light hickeys on his chest and collarbones from the night before. Even might have taken the whole ‘kiss me all over my body’ thing a bit too literally.
 
His boyfriend gave him a tiny smile. “Thank you for last night.”
 
“Last night?” Even grinned, unable to resist teasing him. “What happened last night, again?”
 
“You know,” Isak deadpanned, “you were there.”
 
“Remind me.”
 
Isak narrowed his eyes, but grinned despite himself. “You are so annoying sometimes.”
 
“You love it, though,” Even’s grin broadened, as he reached to pull Isak closer to him, “you think I’m hilarious.”
 
“I actually don’t,” Isak retorted, gasping when Even touched his stomach, “ah, cold hands!”
 
“Sorry,” Even started laughing. Isak pushed him over onto his back and hovered just above him. He kissed him - more to shut him up than anything else, Even suspected - but it wasn’t long before the kissing became heavier and hotter. He liked it with Isak on top of him like this, taking charge, just like he’d done last night after a few too many wines. Even was more than happy to do whatever his boyfriend wanted, now and always.
 
“Mmm, stop distracting me,” Isak murmured in between kisses, smiling against his lips, “I have shit I need to do today.”
 
“It’s Sunday morning,” Even protested, grabbing Isak’s neck and encouraging him forward.
 
Isak laughed. “No, seriously.”
 
He kissed him quickly a dozen more times, then rolled onto his side, leaving a small gap between them. Even waited for an explanation.
 
“This is about to be a huge turn-off,” his boyfriend confessed, “but since I’m up so early, somehow, I thought maybe I should…take my mum to church again.”
 
Of course. One of the many things that had concerned Even about his talk with Isak yesterday, was the thought of Isak’s fourteen-year-old sister being alone with an unstable mother. He could definitely understand why Isak didn’t want to stay in that house any more than was necessary, but it made sense that he’d want to check in on his family as often as possible.
 
“I took her to church last Sunday,” Isak continued. “It was hard…for a number of reasons. But I think she likes going there. I think it makes her feel safe.”
 
Even nodded to show he understood. Last night, he’d really wanted to do something to help Isak relax and forget all about his problems, at least for a little while. And it worked, as far as he could tell. Now, the morning was here, though, and they couldn’t avoid reality any longer. Even knew, with absolute bitter certainty, that a difficult conversation was waiting just on the horizon. He’d guessed at some of Isak’s family situation, but until yesterday, he’d had no idea just how bad things were. Isak’s mother desperately needed to get professional help. He was going to have to convince Isak of that, one way or another.
 
“I could come to church with you?” he offered.
 
Isak looked torn. “I don’t know…”
 
“It’s up to you,” said Even earnestly. “I’m never going to force you to do anything. But you said it was hard last time…it might be easier, with some support.”
 
Isak studied him carefully, biting his lip.
 
“Even,” he said quietly, “she’s really unstable. I can’t predict what she’s going to be like. Ever. I know you want to help, but I just want to make sure you know what you’re signing up for, here. And you never get used to it. Trust me. No matter how much time you spend around her. It’s always a shock.”
 
Even placed a hand on Isak’s chest, tracing around the outline of one of the faint hickeys. What Isak didn’t seem to understand yet, was that he’d do anything - literally anything - if it meant taking away some of the worry in his eyes.
 
“I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t think I could handle it. And if me being there upsets her in any way, I’ll leave. I’ll wait for you somewhere nearby,” he spoke with as much sincerity as he could muster. “Let me do something to help you. Please.”
 
He watched as Isak deliberated this, eyes clouded over with thought.
 
“If you want to bail out at any time, you can, okay? I won’t hold it against you.”
 
Even felt relief wash over him. He smiled.
 
“I won’t want to bail out,” he said, “but okay.”
 
They got out of bed and took showers, before finding something to dress in. Even realised that he had no idea what he was supposed to wear to a Catholic mass. He’d gone to a couple of services on Easter and Christmas with Sonja’s family, at the Lutheran church. And he’d been invited to mosque for Eid before, with Mikael. He imagined that the dress code for this wouldn’t be much different. He eventually settled on a smart collared grey shirt, with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows, and a good pair of jeans.
 
“You look nice,” Isak smiled at him. “I don’t think I’ve seen you dress up before.”
 
Even glanced over from the mirror on the wardrobe door, where he was fixing his hair, and beamed. “I’m meeting your mum for the first time. Got to make a good impression.”
 
Isak blushed a little at that. He was wearing the same thing as yesterday, since he hadn’t brought a change of clothes with him.
 
“I’m going to look like shit standing next to you.”
 
“You never look like shit,” Even replied. And he meant it. “You always look good. At least to me.”
 
The blush on Isak’s cheeks deepened, and he gave a tiny laugh as he looked away.
 
“Too cheesy?”
 
“A little.”
 
Even laughed and shrugged. “I’m going to see if my parents will let me borrow the car today.”
 
Isak was confused. “I thought you couldn’t…”
 
“I saw the psychiatrist on Thursday after school,” Even explained. “He said it was fine.”
 
He finished adjusting his hair and went to find his parents in the living room, Isak following behind. They were both in the midst of their weekend morning rituals; his mother in her dressing gown, drinking coffee and watching the morning news, his father just about to go on his jog.
 
“Hey, boys,” Petter said happily, holding onto the back of the couch as he stretched out his calves.
 
Lise looked up from her coffee and beamed. “Hey, you two. You’re up early.”
 
Even decided not to beat around the bush. “Hey, I need to borrow the car today.”
 
His parents exchanged a sarcastic glance.
 
“Oh, you need to, huh?” Lise said. “And where are you off to with the car at this hour, in your good clothes?”
 
“We’re going to church,” Even explained, as though it was obvious.
 
“Uh huh,” Petter narrowed his eyes, “sure. Makes perfect sense.”
 
“Even,” Isak said anxiously beside him, “we don’t need to borrow it, it’s fine.”
 
“We’re going with Isak’s mum,” he told them. He was trying to find the line between remaining casual, so as not to embarrass Isak, while also letting his parents know he wasn’t just making whiny teenage demands.
 
They seemed to take the hint, exchanging a look again.
 
“Oh,” Petter’s eyes widened for just a second, “well, if it’s for a family reason, I don’t really see the problem. You don’t really need the car today, do you Lise?”
 
“No, we’ll be fine without it,” his mother said encouragingly. “Just make sure you bring it back by tonight, okay, Ev? And please, please drive safely.”
 
“Of course I will,” Even joked. “You both taught me how to drive, didn’t you? What makes you think I won’t be fine?”
 
Petter chuckled. “Isak, I hope you have good health insurance.”
 
His boyfriend actually gulped, and Even was admittedly a bit offended.
 
“We’re just kidding, Isak,” laughed Lise. “Even’s a very good driver.”
 
“Thank you,” Even said haughtily. He grabbed Isak’s hand, making him jump. “Alright, I’m getting the keys. See you both later.”
 
“Be safe!” his mother called after them.
 
“Don’t die!” his father added.
 
“You know, you’re parents didn’t exactly fill me with confidence,” Isak muttered as they walked through the garage, stopping in front of the Bech Næsheim’s white four-wheel drive.
 
Even laughed and unlocked the car. “They’re just like that. Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing.”
 
To be fair, it had been a while since he was last behind the wheel. But driving was like riding a bike - do it enough, and it eventually becomes muscle memory. He wasn’t too concerned. He got in and immediately began adjusting the front seat and rearview mirrors, taking his time to make sure he got it just right.
 
“You can put some music on, if you want,” he told Isak at the same time.
 
His boyfriend eyed him doubtfully from the seat next to him. “Yeah, I’m going to eliminate any and all potential distractions. Total silence while you’re on the road.”
 
“That’s no fun.”
 
“You know what is fun, though? Not dying.”
 
“Okay, fine,” Even spluttered. “Guess I’ll just have to prove it to you.”
 
He put the car in reverse and backed out of the garage. He would never admit it to Isak, or his parents, but he was secretly grateful there were very few cars on the road this early in the morning. He took it slow, but they still made it to Isak’s place in record time, mostly in the silence that Isak requested.
 
“See?” Even said smugly as he pulled into the driveway. “Nobody died. No one was even maimed.”
 
“Alright, then, you’ve made your point,” Isak laughed, “you’re a good driver.”
 
Even turned the engine off and gave him his biggest smile. “I’ll teach you how to drive, one day.”
 
“Really?” Isak blinked at him. He seemed genuinely surprised that Even would offer.
 
“Yeah,” Even nodded, “if you want me to.”
 
“I’d rather you than my dad,” Isak said bitterly. He glanced up at the house, a looming presence before them.
 
Even touched his shoulder. “Shall we go inside?”
 
Isak took a deep breath, steeling himself, before he nodded. “Yeah.”
 
Lea appeared at the front door as they were walking towards it, fully dressed and with her hair and makeup done. Isak had texted her to let her know they were coming over, so she must have gotten ready in a rush.
 
“Hey, Lea,” Even put on his most friendly voice. He wondered if Isak had felt this nervous, when he’d met his family. “Are you coming to church with us?”
 
A slight pink hue crept into her cheeks. “Um, maybe.”
 
Isak was a little more pragmatic, stepping inside the house. “Is Mum awake yet?”
 
It was odd seeing the two siblings standing next to each other like that. Lea definitely looked younger than her brother, but aside from that, they could have been twins.
 
“No,” she folded her arms across her chest, “she still hates me, so I couldn’t get her out of bed.”
 
“She doesn’t hate you,” Isak said assuringly. “I’ll get her up and see if she wants to go.”
 
He kicked off his shoes and made for the stairs, pausing about halfway up to look back at Even.
 
“You okay here?”
 
Even nodded. “I’m all good. I’ll just wait.”
 
Isak disappeared onto the second level of the house, leaving Even to wait in the entranceway with Lea. She seemed intent on looking anywhere but at him. Must be that trademark Valtersen shyness.
 
“It’s a nice house,” he said conversationally, looking around at the walls. There were some Impressionist-style paintings hanging in the hallway. “Nice art.”
 
“Um, thanks,” Lea mumbled. “My mum’s really into that sort of thing. She used to take me to art galleries all the time.”
 
“Your mum has good taste,” he said honestly.
 
Lea shuffled awkwardly on the spot, looking down at her feet. “So…you hang out with my brother a lot?”
 
“You might say that,” Even said evasively.
 
“In a theatre group?”
 
“That’s how we met, yeah.”
 
She nodded solemnly. “I like the theatre.”
 
Even really didn’t know how to tell her he was only there in the first place to hit on her brother.
 
“That’s cool,” he smiled at her. “What parts of theatre do you like?”
 
“Um…everything.”
 
He was trying to work out how to respond when Isak saved him, appearing at the top of the stairs.
 
“She’s just getting ready,” he called out to them. “How are we doing for time?”
 
Even checked his phone. “We’re good, I think. Might be a little late, but that’s no big deal, right?”
 
Isak bit his lip worriedly and disappeared again.
 
“My mum hates being late,” said Lea.
 
Even sighed. “We’ll just do what we can, yeah?”
 
Isak returned a little while later, followed by Marianne Valtersen. She was a slightly plump, middle-aged woman, with honey coloured shoulder length hair. Unlike with Terje, there were distinct features about her that she shared with Isak and Lea, including the shape of her lips and the colour of her eyes. She wore a smart blue dress, though she’d added a few too many necklaces. She stopped short on the stairwell when she saw Even and Lea, eyeing them suspiciously.
 
“Who is this?” she demanded to know.
 
“That’s my friend, Even,” Isak said slowly, as though he’d already explained it several times. “He’s going to drive us to church. I told you about him, remember? Even Kosegruppa?”
 
“I don’t remember any Even Kosegruppa,” Marianne shook her head, taking a step back. She lowered her voice to a very loud whisper. “Issy, why is he talking to Lea?”
 
“He’s just being polite,” Isak reasoned with her.
 
Marianne’s hand gripped the bannister, knuckles turning white as fear washed over her.
 
“You’re taking me away,” she declared. “We’re not going to church. You’re going to put me in a mental asylum, aren’t you? You think I’m a lunatic. You think I need to be locked up.”
 
“Mum, no, that’s not it, I promise,” Isak said hastily. “He’s just a friend from school, and we’re just going to church. Even, show her your school ID, okay?”
 
Even felt his heart rate speed up as he stepped forward. He retrieved his wallet from his back pocket, pulling out his school ID and driver’s license, handing both to her.
 
“I’m Even Bech Næsheim,” he introduced himself. “I go to Hartvig Nissen school, with your son. I’m nineteen years old. That’s my address there, on my license.”
 
When she didn’t come forward, Isak took the ID from him and pressed it into his mother’s hands. She scrutinised both, picking at the corners with her fingernails to see if it would come away.
 
“He's your friend, Isak?” Marianne frantically turned towards her son.
 
Isak looked directly into her eyes, and smiled. “He is.”
 
She stared at the ID a bit more, then back to her son, before taking a deep, shaking breath.
 
“Okay,” she said, seemingly to no one. “Yes, okay.”
 
She slowly made her way down the steps, then glanced down the ID’s in her hand again before meeting his eyes. “So you're Even?”
 
“Yes, hello,” he gave her his most charming smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Valtersen.”
 
“Doctor Valtersen,” she corrected him.
 
Isak sighed. “My mum used to be a surgeon. But she lost her medical license a few years ago.”
 
“I didn’t lose it, Isak,” Marianne said angrily. “I’m still a doctor. I am.”
 
“I’m sorry, Doctor Valtersen,” Even answered apologetically. “My mistake.”
 
The sheer gratitude in Isak’s eyes was almost overwhelming.
 
“Shall we get going?” he suggested.
 
“Where are we going?” asked Marianne.
 
“To church, Mum,” Isak said calmly. “I’ll get your coat.”
 
As they got ready to leave, Lea watched awkwardly from the sidelines, a considerably pained expression on her face. Even couldn’t begin to imagine what it was like for her. As far as Marianne was concerned, it was like her youngest child didn’t even exist.
 
“Lea,” he said once Marianne and Isak were outside, “are you coming?”
 
Lea folded her arms protectively across her chest. “I don’t think so.”
 
She honestly looked like she was about to cry. Even wished there was something more he could do.
 
“Are you sure?”
 
She met his eyes properly for the first time. “Trust me. It’s for the best.”
 
He knew he had to get going, but his heart was breaking for Isak’s little sister. The way Isak had described the bond between her and her mother to him had seemed so unshakable. On a more personal level, the hurt in her eyes brought up so much guilt, for the times he had hurt his own loved ones when he wasn’t fully in control of his own thoughts or actions.
 
“We’ll be back soon,” he told her kindly.
 
She nodded, retreating into the house just before he headed out the door.
 
****
 
09:22
 
“Are you a Christian, Even?” Marianne asked from the passenger seat.
 
Even kept his eyes on the road, and tried to work out how best to answer her. He didn’t want to lie to Isak’s mother, but he also worried that the truth would do her more harm than good.
 
“I believe in God,” he eventually gave a halfway answer.
 
It was sort of true. He was an agnostic, more or less. He believed in something, he just didn’t have any particular labels for what that something was.
 
Marianne appeared confused. “But you were baptised, then?”
 
Even could actually feel Isak cringing in the back seat.
 
“No,” he conceded, “I was never baptised.”
 
Marianne shook her head in dismay, tutting. “Poor child. All these years, never baptised. You know you can’t get into heaven that way, don’t you?”
 
Even said nothing. In truth, he had no idea what to say to something like that.
 
“Issy, your friend needs to be baptised,” Marianne twisted to look behind her. “He needs to be baptised immediately.”
 
“Yes, Mum,” Isak said quietly.
 
“Why haven’t you tried to save him?”
 
“You know, Doctor Valtersen,” Even said quickly, sparing his boyfriend from having to answer, “I really like the artwork in your house. When did you start collecting Impressionist paintings?”
 
Marianne appeared confused for a moment, before a smile brightened her face.
 
“I studied Art History at university, before I decided to become a doctor,” she told him. “I lived in France and Italy for a while. Before Terje. Before I had Issy. Another life…another time.”
 
Even caught a glimpse of Isak in his rearview mirror, listening in with interest.
 
“So you’ve studied art and science,” he continued. “That’s impressive. Most people are only good at one or the other.”
 
Marianne beamed proudly. “That’s where Issy gets it from. He’s a smart boy, just like his mother. He’ll be a doctor as well.”
 
Isak blushed deeply. “Maybe.”
 
“When I was pregnant with Issy, I’d pray for him every night,” Marianne continued. “I’d go out into the garden - even in the middle of winter - and I’d rub my belly, and I’d pray. I’d say, ‘Please, Heavenly Father, make this child smart. Make him the smartest boy in all of Norway’.”
 
A vivid image of a much younger Marianne, heavily pregnant, praying in the garden behind her house, flashed into Even’s mind.
 
“Looks like your prayers were answered,” Even smiled at her, as Isak’s face continued to resemble a tomato.
 
They arrived at the church shortly after, and Even dropped Isak and Marianne at the door before finding a parking space. It was a beautiful, old gothic building - the sort of place Even felt was just begging to be filmed or photographed. He walked inside with his hands in his pockets, finding the priest and official procession in the entranceway, preparing to head inside. They made him self-conscious at first, but they barely seemed to notice him as he ducked past. He found Isak and Marianne seated towards the back, and shuffled into the pew next to his boyfriend.
 
Even might not have been raised in any religion - or been particularly religious himself - but he’d always found it deeply fascinating. The different customs and traditions that people held so closely to their hearts. The fact that anyone could believe one thing so stridently, so intensely, that it was to the exclusion of anything else in the world. It was so alien to him. In a way, he had envied Mikael, Elias, Yousef, Adam and Muta for being raised in Islam - for having, above all else, something to believe in. He could see how that could be comforting. How reassuring it must be to have your faith there when you needed it the most. Even now, after everything that had happened between him and Mikael, he felt he could understand.
 
When he’d memorised the Qur’an, night after night, alone in his bedroom…when he’d posted those anti-gay passages all over his social media and the school revue page, he’d honestly believed he was doing the right thing. In his manic state, he was convinced that this was the only way to fix things. The only way to get his best friend back, and prove that he was a good person. He’d convert to Islam, if that’s what it took, to keep Mikael and the other boys in his life. Even knew that Marianne’s mental state was very different to his own, but he could still see some similarities. It was the same desperation he’d once felt. Just like he’d done with the Qur’an, Marianne saw her bible as the answer. She’d do whatever it took to keep the demons at bay. Whatever it took to be good.
 
It was such a complex relationship. Her beliefs had helped her, that was certain. But they were hurting her and confusing her, too.
 
The Catholic service was about an hour long, full of so many ceremonies and rituals that held Even captivated the whole time. Marianne was equally enraptured by it, thumbing through a bible and nudging Isak occasionally to read something she’d found. Isak, meanwhile, appeared to be far away. He kept his head down, face slightly pale, unable to meet anyone in the eye. There was something he was grappling with. Something he’d set aside, in order to ensure his mother had the comfort and security she so desperately craved. What could be causing him so much torture? Even couldn’t be certain, but he definitely could guess.
 
A few lay people gave readings from the bible, including a gospel parable about a man who stopped on the side of the road to help a stranger in need. Even listened to the story in fascination. Afterwards, the priest stood up and approached the lectern. His tone of voice changed as he addressed the congregation more casually, speaking about how the parable was one of his favourite stories.
 
“To me, Christianity, first and foremost, is about love,” he told them all. “Love for your fellow man, or woman, in their darkest hour of need. Isn’t that what Jesus taught us, after all? To love one another, as He has loved you?”
 
Alt er love. Even thought about the message his mother had taped to his wall at the hospital, after he’d tried to kill himself. The same message that still covered his wall today.
 
“What this parable teaches us,” the priest continued, “is that we all deserve love. No matter who we are, or where we might come from. We are all the same. We are all equal. I only hope that we will have the courage to see that, going forward.”
 
Even glanced over at Isak, who’s eyes were still fixed firmly on the ground.
 
When it came time to receive Communion, Isak froze, white knuckles gripping the seat in front of him. Marianne hadn’t noticed, already on her feet and joining the other parishioners in line to receive the blood and wine of Christ (such a strange idea, Even mused). He put a hand on top of his boyfriend’s, gently prying his fingers back.
 
“You don’t have to go up if you don’t want to,” he whispered to him.
 
Isak numbly sat back in his seat.
 
“What is it?” Even asked soothingly.
 
His boyfriend began to toy with a loose thread in his jeans. “I hate coming here. It doesn’t feel right.”
 
He lifted his gaze, and Even followed it to the painting behind the alter. The one of Christ being lifted down from the cross. It was a beautiful artwork, really. The organist played a calming melody that echoed up into the high ceiling.
 
“You have just as much right to be here as anyone else,” he said.
 
Isak sighed. “I don’t know if you can understand.”
 
At the alter, Marianne had arrived to receive her Communion. Even watched as the priest placed the small white oval on her tongue, before she moved to the wine goblet.
 
“Help me to, then.”
 
Isak lowered his eyes sadly. “You didn’t grow up believing something, and being something else at the same time.”
 
Even had no rebuttal, no reasoning, against that. It was true, he didn’t grow up that way. Until Mikael, he had no set of beliefs, no religious texts, no guided morality, to judge himself against when he came out. He’d had a taste of what that would be like, once. To have grown up with that, since birth, was really something else.
 
Marianne returned to her seat and got on her knees, bowing her head in silent prayer. Their conversation was forced to end.
 
As the organist played her last note, the priest stood again, prompting the rest of the congregation to stand with him. There was something comforting about the man’s presence, Even realised. He looked like everyone’s grandfather.
 
“Go in peace, to love and serve the Lord,” he announced, with a wide smile.
 
“Thanks be to God,” the congregation replied in unison.
 
Beside him, Even actually heard Isak expel a long sigh. The procession began to file out of the church, the priest pausing often to smile and nod his head at different parishioners. Once he’d passed them, Marianne turned towards them and beamed. There was a sparkle in her eyes, a serenity about her that had been missing before. Isak had been right to believe that attending church with her could help. But at what cost had it been to his own wellbeing?
 
“Let’s get out of here,” Isak mumbled, glancing towards the door.
 
“There’s no need to rush, Issy,” Marianne complained in a loud voice. “We have time, don’t we?”
 
Even could feel his boyfriend’s frustration mounting. He watched as he bit it back, threading his arm through his mother’s.
 
“Come on.”
 
Parishioners were still gathered in the foyer of the church building, the hum of conversation resounding off the walls. A number of people glanced their way as they passed, speaking in hushed whispers. Even wished he was a stranger to looks like these. Fear, concern, and sometimes outright disdain. He had seen it all before. Instinctively, he walked just in front of Isak and Marianne, as though it could somehow shield them.
 
The priest slowly approached them from one side, still smiling his patient, grandfatherly smile. Marianne’s eyes brightened.
 
“Father!”
 
“Hello, Marianne,” the priest said warmly, “it’s good to see you again. And you too, Isak. I saw you last week, but didn’t get to say hello.”
 
“You remember my name?” Isak asked in disbelief.
 
The old man’s eyes twinkled a little. “I remember every child I’ve baptised. I’m glad you decided to come back.”
 
Isak was clearly flustered. He was having trouble meeting the priest’s eyes, Even realised.
 
“Hello, son,” the priest turned to Even instead. “Are you a friend of the Valtersens’?”
 
“I’m Even,” he answered, unsure of what to do. Did you shake hands with a Catholic priest? Was that allowed?
 
“He hasn’t been baptised, Father,” Marianne said in a loud whisper.
 
The priest’s expression remained unchanged. “Well, Even, I’m glad you came.”
 
“Thank you,” Even returned the smile. “I liked the service. Especially the part where you, uh, talk to everyone?”
 
“The homily,” Isak muttered embarrassedly.
 
“Right,” Even continued, “that was cool.”
 
The priest laughed. “I’ll consider that high praise, young man.”
 
Marianne was growing restless. She folded her arms across her chest. “Issy, I don’t want to talk anymore.”
 
“I think we need to go,” Isak said apologetically, though it hardly sounded sincere.
 
For the first time, the comforting smile left the priest’s face.
 
“Before you do, Isak, do you have a moment to chat?” he asked. “It will only take a minute or two, I promise.”
 
Isak’s eyes widened as a sudden panic set in. “You want to talk to me?”
 
“You’re not in trouble, son,” the priest said, with a hint of amusement.
 
“Issy, I want to go,” Marianne asserted.
 
Even wasn’t sure what to do. He couldn’t tell whether Isak wanted to speak to the priest or not, but at the same time, the man seemed genuine and kind. The more people Isak had around him offering support and help, the better.
 
“I won’t be long, Marianne, I promise,” the priest insisted.
 
She sighed in resignation. “Isak, go and talk to Father, then.”
 
Isak swallowed nervously, locking eyes with Even. “You’ll be okay here for a second?”
 
“Yeah, of course,” Even gave him a smile that he hoped inspired confidence.
 
Isak and the priest walked together to the other side of the foyer, which had slowly started to empty of other parishioners. They were about equal in height, but in in his grand white robes, the priest somehow made Isak look small beside him. Even stood next to Marianne, watching as they began to speak to each other in hushed tones. The priest appeared concerned and somber, as his lips moved, while Isak looked at the floor.
 
“They’re talking about Lea,” Marianne shook her head.
 
Even remained silent. Isak’s mother had such a tenuous grasp on reality. He knew, to an extent, what it was like to be in that place. He wondered how she’d felt when Isak left home…if she’d truly been able to understand what that meant.
 
“Isak is a good son,” she said, as Isak and the priest continued their conversation. “We have to keep him safe.”
 
“Isak will be fine,” Even reassured her.
 
The priest took a piece of paper from the pocket inside his robes, and pressed it into Isak’s hand. As he said something else, Even saw his boyfriend nod blankly.
 
“What did Father say to you?” Marianne demanded as her son came back to them.
 
“Nothing much,” Isak shrugged. “He wanted to know if I could help run the youth group on Friday nights, that’s all. They need more young people to do it.”
 
God, Isak was a terrible liar. Even knew him well enough now to read his expressions so clearly. Marianne, however, seemed disinterested in asking any further questions.
 
“He’s a psychopath,” she said suddenly, as they left the church.
 
“Who is?” Isak asked calmly. He barely reacted at all to the fact that she’d made such a sweeping statement, apparently out of the blue.
 
Marianne narrowed her eyes at her son, as though he was stupid for not getting it. “The old youth group leader, from when you and Lea were younger. He was a psychopath.”
 
“He was a nice enough guy,” Isak flatly answered her.
 
“He was a psychopath,” Marianne repeated to Even. “I’m a doctor, so I know.”
 
Isak looked straight ahead, speaking in a low voice. “Yes, Mum.”
 
***
 
11:05
 
The Valtersen house was something of a mixture between disarray and pristine. The kitchen counters were mostly spotless, but there were piles upon piles of old papers and books stacked around the dining room tables that appeared to have been untouched in months. Dust was gathering in the corners of the living room. Even could tell that Lea had done her best to stay on top of the housework, but in a huge home like this, and in the situation she had found herself in, it was impossible to see how she’d managed.
 
“I’m going to make her something to eat,” Isak told Even quietly once they’d arrived back at the house. “She doesn’t eat much, when she’s like this.”
 
“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here,” Marianne said bitterly, folding her arms across her chest. “I hate it when you talk about me as though I’m some kind of invalid.”
 
Isak rolled his eyes, though thankfully Marianne didn’t seem to notice. He went to the kitchen, while his mother sat down on the couch in a huff. Even looked around the living room, at the family photos that were on display. One caught his eye in particular - a framed picture of a young Isak, blonde curly hair and a cherub-like face, dressed up in a suit and blue tie, grinning and holding his hands together in prayer. He couldn’t help smiling at it as he picked it up for a better look.
 
“How old was Isak here, Doctor Valtersen?” he asked, showing it to her.
 
It took a moment for her to register what he was talking about. She gave a half-hearted smile.
 
“That was his First Communion.”
 
Even nodded, studying the picture again before setting it back down in its rightful place. The other photos showed Isak and Lea at different ages. Younger versions of Marianne and Terje, beaming brightly on family holidays with their kids. A wedding portrait of them together, Marianne practically glowing in her white gown and veil. Terje looking somber in a suit, next to a man and woman that Even didn’t recognise, but presumed were relatives of some kind. Two teenaged boys and a girl with strawberry-blonde hair, with their arms around a much younger Isak and Lea at a cabin somewhere. Little Isak pulling a stupid face and doing a peace sign behind his baby sister’s head.
 
“There’s no food left in the house,” the present day Isak announced as he returned to the living room.
 
Marianne scowled. “It’s not my fault, Isak. Lea won’t let me go to the shops. Lea won’t let me do anything.”
 
“I’ll drive to the supermarket, if you want,” Even offered quickly, “just give me a shopping list.”
 
“She’s trying to keep me prisoner,” Marianne spoke over him. “They got to her, and now she’s trying to lock me up.”
 
“No, Mum,” Isak said gently, “Lea’s not trying to lock you up.”
 
Marianne was growing increasingly agitated, her jaw clenched together as she spoke. “You never believe me, Isak. Never. And before you know it, it will be too late.”
 
She stormed out of the room, feet thudding on the stairs. A door slammed from somewhere above them. Without hesitation, Even crossed the floor and took hold of Isak’s hands, entwining their fingers together between them.
 
“Are you okay?”
 
His boyfriend wouldn’t look at him. He licked his lips and nodded meekly. Even had never felt more helpless before.
 
“What do you need me to do right now?”
 
Isak released Even’s hands and took a few steps back. He coughed awkwardly, in a way that reminded Even of Terje.
 
“She’ll calm down soon,” his boyfriend said, though it sounded like he was trying to reassure himself more than anything else. “But, um, if you could go to the supermarket, that would be good. Then I can make her some food.”
 
“Done,” Even replied. “What should I get?”
 
“Maybe take Lea with you,” Isak suggested. “She’ll know what we need. I can stay here and keep an eye on my mum.”
 
“Do you think she’s up in her room?”
 
“Probably. You can go knock on her door, I’m sure it’s cool.”
 
“Yeah, okay,” Even smiled at him. He moved forward slightly, closing the gap that Isak had positioned between him, and took his face in his hands. Kissed him with the strength of everything he had - quickly, in case Marianne or Lea came downstairs, but long enough and deep enough to let him know just how much he cared.
 
When the kiss ended, Even held onto him just a bit longer, forcing him to look into his eyes until he finally cracked a smile.
 
“It’s going to be alright,” he told his boyfriend gently.
 
Isak’s green eyes poured into his. “I know.”
 
***
 
11:19
 
A pink letter ‘L’ marked Lea’s bedroom door. Even could hear music playing softly from the other side. He knocked rhythmically.
 
“Yeah, what?” came a curt voice from within. Even supposed she thought he was Isak.
 
“Hey, it’s Even,” he called back, “Isak said I should take you with me to the shops?”
 
He heard her make a strange, high-pitched sound (sort of like an ‘Eep!’) before the music switched off suddenly. She opened the bedroom door and leaned casually against it.
 
“Hey there.”
 
Even couldn’t help laughing. She was such an awkward person.
 
“Is now a good time to go?”
 
Lea glanced back into the bedroom behind her. “Give me, like, five minutes?”
 
“Sure,” he grinned, “I’ll wait for you downstairs.”
 
When she came down, she’d applied a fresh coat of makeup and adjusted her hair somewhat. It was a bit odd that she’d put all the effort in just to go and buy milk and bread, but Even supposed Sonja had been quite image-conscious too, at that age.
 
“Isak’s not coming?” she asked him cautiously.
 
“No, he’s going to stay here and look after your mum. So you’re stuck with me for now, if that’s cool.”
 
She shrugged nonchalantly. Isak must have heard them talking, because he came around the corner shortly afterwards. The sleeves of his long-sleeved shirt were rolled up to his elbows, and there was a little smudge of dirt on his cheek that Even found considerably cute. He must have started doing some cleaning.
 
“Do you have money?” he asked his sister.
 
She rolled her eyes at him. “Yes.”
 
“Okay, then,” he smirked at her, “don’t be weird.”
 
“You don’t be weird,” she retorted, blushing a little.
 
Even cracked up. “Ready to go, Lea?”
 
He held the door open for her and she strutted past, hands stuffed into her coat pockets.
 
“So fucking moody lately,” Isak grumbled, half-jokingly.
 
“I bet you were like that, when you were her age,” Even teased him.
 
“No way,” Isak’s eyes widened incredulously. “Are you kidding me?”
 
Even laughed, glancing behind him to make sure Lea was in the car before giving Isak a quick kiss. He wiped the smudge of dirt off his cheek.
 
“We’ll be back soon.”
 
He kissed him again, before going to meet Lea. She already had her seatbelt on, chin resting on her hand and gazing out the windowsill. She jumped when he opened the car door.
 
“You’re going to have to give me directions,” he told her, “because I have no idea where we’re going. I don’t know this part of Oslo very well.”
 
He backed out of the driveway and started off down the road.
 
“Turn left at the end of the street,” she informed him, “then make a right.”
 
“Thanks,” he said, keeping his eyes forward. “You can put the radio on, if you want.”
 
She began fiddling with the dials, eventually stopping on a pop punk song. Even was secretly grateful for the noise, covering up the lull in their conversation.
 
“My brother must really trust you,” she said suddenly, staring out the window again.
 
Even tried to remain casual. “Yeah? You think so?”
 
“Uh huh,” Lea nodded, “he doesn’t let anyone know about Mum. Except for Jonas and Eva, but that’s different. They grew up together. You’re new.”
 
“I trust him a lot, too,” Even answered earnestly. When they stopped at the intersection, he turned to smile at her.
 
“Go straight ahead, then make another right,” Lea said. “Does Isak talk to you about our mum, lots?”
 
“Not really,” Even admitted. “I mean, a bit, but I wouldn’t say a lot, no.”
 
“Oh,” she said quietly. The song on the radio changed, and she started playing with the dials again.
 
“What about you, Lea?” he asked her. “Do you have anyone to talk to?”
 
Lea shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “Not really. I spend most of my free time looking after Mum, so…so I don’t have many friends.”
 
She was blushing furiously, when Even glanced over at her next.
 
“Well, I’m sure you can always talk to Isak.”
 
“Yeah,” she laughed wryly, “Isak isn’t exactly reliable.”
 
“He’s your brother, that’s never going to change,” Even said gently. “I might not have known him as long as you, but I do know that on Friday night, he dropped everything the second you called.”
 
Lea folded her arms protectively across her chest, and shrugged.
 
“He might not be the best at showing it,” he continued, “but you and your mum are Isak’s number one priority. I promise.”
 
She looked over at him, studying him curiously, Even might have been imagining it, but he swore her features had softened somewhat. She turned her attention towards her lap, mumbling something incoherent.
 
“What was that?”
 
“Nothing,” she said embarrassedly, “just…I can see why Isak likes you, I guess.”
 
Even grinned as he turned into the supermarket car park. Lea led the way into the shopping complex, and Even grabbed a trolley once they were inside.
 
“Get whatever you want,” he told her, “there’s tons of space in the car, so you may as well stock up.”
 
He followed her around the supermarket, as she collected an assortment of items. Cleaning products and toiletries. Milk, bread and cheese. A vast array of frozen meals, instant noodles, tinned foods, and snacks. Not a vegetable, fruit or any kind of fresh food at all. Nothing that would require any actual cooking or meal preparation. Even wondered if Lea knew how to cook, to begin with. The thought of her eating through the contents of that trolley of unhealthy, processed meals by herself made him sad.
 
“Hey Lea,” he asked her casually, as she unloaded some more items into the trolley, “do you know how to make a stir fry?”
 
She titled her head to one size quizzically. “No?”
 
“Want me to show you?” he offered. “It’s super easy. We just need some beef or chicken, lots of vegetables, rice. It’s cheap, too. You can make a batch and freeze it, so it lasts days.”
 
Even actually managed to make her crack a smile.
 
“That sounds cool,” she said.
 
As they gathered the ingredients and went through the checkout, Even pondered whether this is what it felt like to have a younger sibling. He didn’t mind being an only child, truthfully. His parents both told him they’d never wanted more kids after he was born, and he respected that. From time to time, though, he’d try to imagine what it would be like to have a little brother or sister follow him around. He liked kids. He was pretty good with them, as a rule. Lea was hardly a kid anymore, but spending time with her like this made him feel like a de facto older brother, of sorts. He hoped they’d end up getting to know each other better, as time went on.
 
“Does your girlfriend mind that you’re spending the whole Sunday with us?” she asked him as they made their way back to the car.
 
Oh. Fuck.
 
“I don’t have a girlfriend,” he said offhandedly as they loaded the groceries into the back.
 
“That’s good,” she replied quickly, then began to blush again. “I mean, uh…”
 
Double fuck. This was getting awkward fast. He wanted to tell her the truth, but he wasn’t going to without Isak’s permission, that was for damn sure. He needed to find a solution.
 
“I have a boyfriend,” he told her.
 
She stopped midway through putting a bag into the car, eyes wide as saucers. “Oh!”
 
He grinned, then finished loading the bags away while she stood there like a space cadet.
 
“I’m going to put the trolley back. Be back in a second.”
 
He hoped he hadn’t overstepped the mark, but there was no way she could guess that Isak was his boyfriend, was there? He tried not to take it personally when she was silent for most of the drive back.
 
“Isak’s changed a lot,” she eventually spoke.
 
“What do you mean?”
 
“He used to hate gay people,” she explained. “Especially gay men.”
 
“I see,” Even said, trying to keep the pain he felt on Isak’s behalf at bay.
 
“I’ve never met a gay person before.”
 
Even laughed. “Funnily enough, we’re not different from people in general.”
 
She returned to staring out the window, biting her lip worriedly. “Don’t tell my mum you have a boyfriend, okay? At least…not until she’s doing a bit better.”
 
Even frowned in concern. “Why not?”
 
“Because,” Lea said sadly, “I want her to like you.”
 
***
 
17:03
 
“The trick to making a good stir fry,” Even said to Isak and Lea, “is lots of ginger. And I mean lots of ginger. You can’t have enough, really.”
 
He peeled the ginger into the sink, as the Valtersen siblings watched from either side.
 
“Okay, Lea,” he grinned as he handed it to her, “you need to grate this into the sauce mixture. Think you can do that?”
 
She smiled back at him, nodding. She’d been acting a lot less shy and awkward around him as the day wore on, especially since their grocery store trip. Even positioned the grater over the bowl of sauce and she began to grate it in.
 
“Did your dad teach you how to make this?” Isak asked, leaning one arm against the counter. The sleeves of his shirt were still rolled up to the elbows, revealing toned, muscular arms. Why did he have to look so good all the time? It was hard for Even not to ogle him, constantly.
 
“Actually, it was one of the first things he showed me how to make,” he replied. “He taught me everything I know about cooking. Don’t tell him that, though. It’ll go to his head.”
 
Isak laughed, checking on the frying pan. “I think it’s ready.”
 
Lea stopped grating, carefully inspecting the contents of the bowl. “There is a shitload of ginger in here, now.”
 
“Alright, that’s what I’m talking about,” beamed Even. He grabbed a spoon and mixed it together quickly. “Okay, now we just add the sauce in, and then it’s time for the best part.”
 
“What’s the best part?” Lea asked curiously.
 
Even rose both eyebrows at his boyfriend. “Selecting the spices, of course.”
 
“Yeah, Lea, obviously,” Isak tried to remain serious. He grabbed a handful of things out of the spice rack. “So to start with we have…garlic powder?”
 
“Yes, absolutely,” Even nodded affirmatively. He picked up another jar. “Chilli?”
 
“Always chilli,” Isak grinned at him.
 
“Ground or powdered?”
 
“Both, of course.”
 
“Of course, how stupid of me,” Even laughed, adding a pinch of each to the mix while Lea watched on in confusion. “What about…sesame seeds?”
 
“Are you joking?” Isak said in mock horror. “It has to have sesame seeds. That shouldn’t even be a question.”
 
“What is going on?” asked Lea, bewildered. “You’re not actually going to put all that weird stuff in, are you?”
 
Even’s eyes met Isak’s and they both spluttered simultaneously.
 
“Okay,” Lea shook her head, “you guys spend way too much time together, clearly.”
 
Her phone started ringing, and her face fell instantly when she retrieved it from her pocket.
 
“Who is it?” questioned Isak, laughter fading away.
 
Lea stared at her lock screen. “Dad. Doing his weekly check in.”
 
The kitchen, which had been so full of brightness and cheer moments ago, suddenly fell silent.
 
“Don’t answer it,” Isak advised her. “Just text him and say you’re busy with homework, or something.”
 
“He’ll just try and call back,” she reasoned. She unlocked the phone before he could protest any further and held it to her ear. “Hi, Dad.”
 
Even could hear a man on the other end of the line, as she hurried into another room and closed the door. Beside him, Isak shook his head.
 
“Does he know your mum is struggling right now?” Even asked him softly.
 
“Doubt it,” Isak said. “If he thinks she’s stressing out, he’ll try and come over here, and it will just make everything worse.”
 
Even could understand why Isak was worried. From what he’d gathered, Marianne wouldn’t react well to seeing her estranged husband again.
 
“She’ll think it means he wants to move back in,” his boyfriend added, “and then it will just be hard on her, when he leaves again.”
 
They had to tell someone, though. If not Terje - and it was more than fair not to want to tell him, given the circumstances - it had to be somebody else. Somebody who had experience with these types of situations, and could make sure Marianne got the help she needed.
 
Lea came back into the room a short time later, brows furrowed in frustration. She tossed her phone onto the counter aggressively, so that it made a clattering sound.
 
“Did you tell him anything?” Isak asked her worriedly.
 
“Do you think I’m stupid, Isak?” she spat at him.
 
Isak distracted himself by tossing the stir fry around in the pan. The tension in the room was almost palpable.
 
“I’m not really hungry anymore,” Lea announced after a moment of silence.
 
“Are you sure?” Even asked kindly. “It’s almost ready.”
 
“No, I’ve lost my appetite,” she picked up her battered phone. “I’m going upstairs.”
 
Isak said nothing as she trudged upstairs. He turned off the frying pan, scooping some into a bowl.
 
“I’m going to take this up to my mum,” he said, “make sure she eats and she has everything she needs, and then we can go, okay?”
 
Even nodded sadly. “Whatever you want to do.”
 
****
 
19:10
 
Even pulled the car up into an empty space outside the Kollektiv. He sat next to Isak in silence for a few minutes, neither of them knowing what to do.
 
“I’m going to have to say something to you,” Even eventually said, “but you’re not going to like it very much.”
 
Isak stared ahead at the street lights, eyes suddenly becoming glassy. “It’s fine. I know what you’re going to say.”
 
Even was taken aback. “You do?”
 
“Yeah,” his boyfriend said hoarsely, “you’re going to say that you want to break up.”
 
Even was so shocked that for a moment, he didn’t believe this was real. How could Isak think that, even for a split second? How could he have let Isak think that? He leaned across the seat and took one of Isak’s hands. It was balled into a fist.
 
“I don’t want to break up with you,” he said with as much sincerity as he could muster.
 
His boyfriend turned to face him in quiet disbelief. “Not after…not after today? After everything? With my mum, and dad, and Lea?”
 
Even shook his head vigourously. “Not at all. Ever.”
 
He slid his hand through the back of Isak’s hair, pulling him forwards so he could prove just how much he meant it. He kissed him passionately, his eyes lingering on Isak’s face as his hand ran comfortingly through his hair, down to his neck. His boyfriend gave a tiny smile.
 
“What made you think that, in the first place?”
 
“I don’t know,” Isak said. “It’s a lot. My family, I mean. I thought maybe…maybe you’d think it wasn’t worth it.”
 
“Isak, I left a four year relationship to be with you,” Even rationalised. He could feel the adrenaline pumping through him as he laid his emotions bare. “This is worth everything to me.”
 
He kissed him again, until he could feel Isak smiling against his lips, and he knew he’d made his point.
 
“So what did you want to say to me, then? The thing that I’m not going to like?”
 
Even frowned worriedly. He remembered the family photos in Marianne’s house - the teenagers, and the man and woman standing next to Terje.
 
“Does your mum have any other family members who can help you and Lea? Someone you can call and talk to about it?”
 
Isak seemed puzzled by this.
 
“No,” he gave a tiny laugh, “my mum grew up in foster care. She doesn’t know who her real family is. At least, that’s what she said, when I asked her about it, but who knows if it’s true.”
 
“What do you mean?”
 
“She doesn’t always know what’s real and what’s not,” Isak explained. “When you grow up with a mother like that, it’s hard to believe anything she tells you. That stuff she said today about living in France and Italy…who knows if that really happened?”
 
Even could see where he was coming from. It sounded like Isak and Lea really were on their own, for the most part.
 
“It’s like…she’s a total stranger,” his boyfriend continued slowly. “I’m her son, but I’ll never fully know who she is. She doesn’t even know who she is, anymore. And sometimes I think…I think she might be too far gone. That there’s no coming back, for her.”
 
Isak sighed and rubbed at his temples, as though it could keep the feelings at bay. His tone was a peculiar blend of sadness, frustration, and also resignation that this was the way things had to be. Even kept his hand on his boyfriend’s neck, gently massaging away some of the stress.
 
“Has she ever been diagnosed, with anything?” he probed. “Has she been medicated, or seen a doctor?”
 
“I don’t know,” Isak said in a small voice. He covered his eyes with his hand and shook his head. “I don’t think so.”
 
In part, Even felt terrible for pushing him like this, after the day they’d just had. It was only going to get harder, though, the longer he put this conversation off.
 
“She needs help, Isak,” he said, barely above a whisper. “You and Lea can’t keep dealing with this alone.”
 
His boyfriend drew in a shallowed, strangled breath. When he took his hand away, a single tear escaped from his eye and ran down his cheek. Even wiped it away tenderly with his thumb.
 
“How would you feel,” he asked slowly, “about talking to my parents about this?”
 
“Your parents?” Isak asked anxiously.
 
Even nodded. “They’re both social workers, who primarily work with kids from troubled homes. They have a lot of experience dealing with this sort of thing. They would know what to do, and who we should contact.”
 
The colour had practically drained from Isak’s face at the mere suggestion.
 
“It’s just an idea. You don’t have to,” Even added quickly.
 
Isak’s eyes focused downwards. “What would happen to her? Would…would they take her away?”
 
Even remembered what Marianne had said earlier, about being afraid of getting locked up. She had passed that same fear onto her children. It seemed that Isak’s image of mental health treatment was akin to stone-faced men in white coats. Prison bars on hospital windows. Trying to keep her locked and hidden away from society, rather than trying to save her.
 
“She would probably need to see a specialist,” Even explained, “like a psychotherapist, who could give her a proper diagnosis. She might have to spend some time in a care facility.”
 
“Care facility?” Isak questioned, confused. “What do you mean by that?”
 
“A mental health clinic,” clarified Even.
 
Isak visibly shuddered. “If I try to put her in a mental hospital, she’ll hate me forever.”
 
“It would only be temporary. And you and Lea could visit her anytime,” Even paused, taking a deep breath. “It sounds a lot worse than it is, trust me.”
 
“You’ve been to one before?”
 
Confessing this to Isak made Even feel nervous, though he knew there was no reason why it should. Perhaps talking about it reminded him too much of Mikael. Of the fact that he’d tried to commit suicide, and that was what landed him in there in the first place. Of the fact that he was still so deeply ashamed of that.
 
“It was just after Bakka,” he said. “Before I came to Nissen.”
 
Isak took the hand that was running through his hair and held it between both of his, squeezing it.
 
“It’s not like being locked up,” Even continued. “It’s not even like a proper hospital. You go to therapy, sometimes group therapy. You see doctors, and specialists, and meet other people who are going through the same sort of things as you. Your family can come and see you. They can take you out for the day, or at night. Whenever you want. It’s not a prison.”
 
“And it helped you?”
 
Even considered his answer carefully. “Yeah. I think it did.”
 
Isak looked down at Even’s hand, resting in his lap. Ran his fingers across his knuckles.
 
“It’s not too late for your mum,” he said. “She can have a normal life, given time and proper care. I really believe that.”
 
“She’s not like you, Even,” Isak answered, sounding pained. “She’s not…”
 
“The only real difference between your mum and me,” Even said patiently, “is that my parents made sure I got help, when I needed it. She just needs to have the same chance. And I know that might seem terrifying, but…Isak, isn’t the alternative even worse?”
 
As he spoke, he considered what life might have been like, if he hadn’t been born into the family he had. If he’d grown up instead like Marianne. The thought frightened him beyond reproach.
 
“What would happen to Lea?” Isak asked. “If Mum had to go away for a while, I mean. She wouldn’t want to stay with Dad, and a social worker wouldn’t let her live alone, would they? She’s too young.”
 
“I’m sure she could come and stay at the Kollektiv,” Even suggested. “Or if it’s too crowded there, she could stay in your room, and you could stay at my place, in the meantime. We would work it out. She wouldn’t have to live somewhere she didn’t want to.”
 
“And my dad…I’d have to tell my dad.”
 
“Your dad should understand that you’re making the right decision. And if he doesn’t…we’ll find a way to make him understand.”
 
Isak laughed half-heartedly. “You make it sound so simple.”
 
“Of course it isn’t simple,” Even gave him an encouraging smile. “But we can do this. You can do this.”
 
Isak looked up, his eyes wide and exposed. “I’m scared.”
 
He’d never heard his boyfriend admit something like that before. Something intensely personal, that could make him appear so vulnerable. He gave Even an odd little smile that broke his heart in two.
 
“You have a lot of support around you, do you know that?” he said kindly. “Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi. Sana, Eva, Noora, Vilde and Chris. Eskild and Linn. Any one of them would be there for you in a second, if you asked them to be. Just don’t forget it.”
 
He leaned across the car, lightly brushing their lips together.
 
“You’re not alone,” he whispered.
 
Isak breathed deeply. He pressed his nose against Even’s, rubbing them together ever so slightly.
 
“Okay,” he said hoarsely, “let’s talk to your parents.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Monday, 16 January, 2017
 
14:12
 
“What answer did you get for question nine?” Sana asked casually, quickly skimming through her textbook. “I said C.”
 
Isak glanced over at her sheepishly, causing her to narrow her eyes.
 
“You didn’t do the assignment, did you?”
 
“It was kind of a big weekend,” Isak said in defence. That had to be the understatement of the year so far. He’d finally told Even about his mum, and then Even had met her for the first time the very next day.
 
His friend didn’t seem all that impressed. She probably thought ‘big weekend’ meant he’d been out on a bender with Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi. Ordinarily, she might not have been wrong.
 
“I’ll catch up tonight,” he told her as nonchalantly as possible. “Easy.”
 
His face fell when he remembered that his plans for tonight had already been set. Dinner at Even’s place with Lise and Petter, where he’d agreed he would talk to them about his family problems and see if they could do anything to help. His boyfriend had suggested telling them as soon as possible, as it would only get harder to do the longer they put it off. Isak knew he was right, but every time he thought about it, he just wanted to run away screaming and never look back.
 
Sana must have noticed his expression change. She stared at him, the space above her eyebrows creasing as her brows furrowed.
 
“Put ‘C’ down for question nine. I’m right, anyway. I don’t know why I bothered asking you.”
 
Isak laughed and drew a circle around the ‘C’ halfway down the page. “Thanks.”
 
“Is Even doing okay?”
 
She asked as though she couldn’t give a shit about the answer, but Isak knew her well enough now to know that meant she cared a lot.
 
“He’s fine,” he said. “He’s not the reason why I haven’t been sleeping or studying much, if that’s what you were thinking. He’s doing really good.”
 
Sana shrugged, but she seemed relieved.
 
“I’m having dinner with his parents,” Isak added. “So…I can’t do the assignment tonight, either.”
 
Sana gave him her classic ‘you’re a moron’ look. “Do it afterwards, then?”
 
“No,” Isak shook his head, laughing, “I can’t study properly when Even is around.”
 
“Why not?”
 
“Because,” he grinned, “he does this annoying thing where he sits there staring at me the whole time. And it’s really distracting.”
 
Sana pulled a face.
 
“What’s that look for?”
 
“You two are so loved up and happy and into each other,” she said disgustedly, though she was trying not to smile at the same time. “It’s really gross and off-putting.”
 
“You’re just jealous,” Isak smirked. “I can’t wait for you to get a boyfriend, so I can make fun of you for a change.”
 
She rolled her eyes. “You’ll be waiting a long time. I’m not as easily distracted as you are. And high school boys are disgusting and immature, anyway.” 
 
“Hey!” he exclaimed. “We’re not all terrible, you know.”
 
She gave him a deadpan look until he eventually had to concede. It was true. Most of them were pretty terrible.
 
“Fine,” he teased her, “don’t you have an older brother, though? Doesn’t he have any hot, mature friends?”
 
Sana looked away, turning bright red. “No.”
 
“That means yes.”
 
“Isak,” she said sharply, “if you don’t shut the fuck up, I won’t let you copy any more of my answers.”
 
“Okay,” he fought not to laugh, “I am shutting the fuck up.”
 
***
 
15:18
 
Even was waiting for him at the school gate, looking as ridiculously handsome as ever in his layers of clothes. He was talking to a guy that Isak only sort of recognised, standing side-by-side and grinning and laughing about something. The guy gave a sly smirk as he made some comment, and Even actually blushed in response. What the fuck? Isak felt his breath catch as he walked over.
 
“Hey,” Even’s face brightened when he saw him, but Isak couldn’t make himself smile back. He didn’t fully understand why he was suddenly so pissed off. It wasn’t like blushing meant anything, did it? Who the fuck was this asshole, anyway?
 
“Hey,” he mumbled, as the aforementioned asshole gave him a huge grin.
 
Even nodded in the asshole’s direction. “This is Anders. We have English together.”
 
“Isak, right?” Anders asked. “I met you at Iben’s party, for like, a second.”
 
“Oh yeah,” Isak replied. He didn’t actually remember this at all, but it felt rude to say so.
 
“I was just giving Even some advice,” he continued, still grinning.
 
“Terrible, terrible advice,” Even laughed.
 
“It’s not terrible. It’s practical.”
 
Isak had subconsciously positioned himself as close to Even as possible. Without giving it too much thought, he put an arm around his boyfriend’s waist, letting his hand rest on his lower back. He knew he was being stupid - Anders was most likely straight, anyway. He just…wanted to make it obvious that Even was unavailable, just in case. Even didn’t seem to mind at all, taking his own arm and wrapping it around Isak’s shoulders. Anders saw this and beamed at them both.
 
“Do I want to know what this advice is?” Isak asked, looking directly at Even.
 
“You really don’t,” Even started to blush again.
 
It must have been something pretty crass to make Even get embarrassed. Isak was admittedly curious now.
 
Anders shrugged it off. “So you’re both coming on Friday then, yeah?”
 
“What’s Friday?” asked Isak.
 
“House party at my place,” the other boy explained. “My parents are out of town for the weekend.”
 
Isak glanced at his boyfriend, who smiled at him.
 
“Up to you.”
 
It was hard to know at the moment, what with everything that was happening. He supposed that some normalcy could do them both some good, though. Maybe this Anders guy wasn’t so bad.
 
“Sure,” he said, perhaps a little preemptively. “Yeah, a party sounds good.”
 
“Who’s having a party?”
 
Isak jumped when Magnus crept up behind him, leaning an arm casually on Isak’s shoulder, on top of Even’s hand. He gave them all a wide grin.
 
“Anders,” Even explained, gesturing to him. “This is Magnus.”
 
“You’re welcome to come,” Anders said warmly. “Any friend of Even’s is a friend of mine.”
 
“Seriously? Can I bring two other friends? And my girlfriend?”
 
“Yeah, man,” Anders laughed. “Bring whoever you want.”
 
“What’s going on?” Jonas asked as he and Mahdi approached.
 
Magnus gestured proudly towards Isak. “Isak and Even got us invited to a thing on Friday.”
 
“Cool,” Mahdi smiled, extending a hand towards Anders. “Hey man, I’m Mahdi.”
 
Isak kept his arm around Even as his friends exchanged introductions. His fingers slowly inched further downwards, until they entered Even’s back pocket. He felt his boyfriend shudder, but nobody else seemed to have noticed.
 
“Actually, it’s probably a good thing you guys are coming,” Anders said with a sly grin. “Most of my friends are girls, so the ratio is going to be pretty uneven.”
 
“Oh yeah?” Jonas said conversationally. He and Mahdi looked pleased as they exchanged raised eyebrows with each other.
 
“Yeah,” Anders went on, “my best friend is part of the school dance troupe. She’ll probably bring the whole squad with her.”
 
“Oh cool,” Mahdi nodded at Jonas, “we’ve seen those girls around, right?”
 
Magnus laughed brashly. “They basically stalk them.”
 
“What?” Anders spluttered.
 
“He’s exaggerating,” Mahdi said quickly.
 
“Not really,” Magnus smirked.
 
Even’s hand had slowly drifted down Isak’s back as the others spoke. Deft fingers slid underneath his jacket and lifted up his shirt. They traced a line from hip to hip, just underneath the hem of his jeans.
 
“I seem to remember you were the worst stalker, back in the day,” Jonas gave Magnus a teasing shove.
 
“Yeah, but then I came to my senses,” Magnus teased him back. “Which reminds me, my girlfriend Vilde will probably want to bring her friends along on Friday too, if that’s cool.”
 
“Sure,” Anders said, then pondered for a moment, “but if more girls are coming, the ratio is going to be so off. Maybe I need to invite more dudes.”
 
“You don’t really have to though, do you?” Mahdi asked hopefully.
 
“Yeah,” Jonas nodded in firm agreement, “I think it will be fine as it is.”
 
Isak’s hand squeezed Even through his jeans. His boyfriend glanced at him with raised eyebrows and a sex-hungry look in his eyes that made Isak want to rip his clothes off then and there.
 
“Hey,” his best friend whacked him in the shoulder, “did you hear me?”
 
Isak blinked at him, startled. “You don’t want more guys to come to the party?”
 
Mahdi, Magnus and Anders all cracked up. Jonas sighed.
 
“Uh, no. I asked if you’re coming back to my place with everyone to play Xbox.”
 
Oh. Isak must’ve tuned that part out. He looked at Even, who didn’t appear the least bit interested in playing Xbox right now. Truth be told, he wasn’t terribly interested, either.
 
“I don’t think we can,” he said, maintaining eye contact with Even in the hopes he would catch on, “we have that…thing.”
 
“Oh yeah,” Even nodded seriously, “the thing.”
 
“What thing?” Magnus said in confusion, before realisation dawned and he suddenly broke out into a huge grin. “Wait, I get it. You’re going home to fuck, right?”
 
“No,” Isak replied haughtily, as the other boys all lost it, “we really do have a…thing.”
 
“It’s cool,” Magnus laughed, “I’d blow us off for the same reason if Vilde wasn’t busy today.”
 
Isak shook his head vehemently. “We’re not going home to fuck, Magnus.”
 
“We’re not?” Even asked, all aghast and melodramatic. Their friends all cracked up again. “Damn.”
 
“You’re in trouble now, Isak,” said Jonas, chest heaving from laughter, as Mahdi wiped tears from his eyes.
 
Isak sighed heavily. He grabbed Even - who was still laughing - by the front of his jacket and dragged him forward. “We’re leaving now. Bye. Have fun with your Xbox.”
 
“Have fun with your ‘thing’!” Anders called after them.
 
“Yeah,” Magnus said loudly - loud enough for everyone nearby to hear - as he waved, “have fun fucking!”
 
“I hate our friends,” Isak muttered, as they walked towards the tram.
 
The trip home felt excruciatingly long. The tram was packed mostly with students, chatting and laughing way too loudly. A group of middle schoolers were playing ‘I Wanna Fuck You’ by Snoop Dogg through phone speakers and singing along to the lyrics, surprisingly in tune. Why they were so obsessed with a ten-year-old song, though, was anyone’s guess. Isak tried to ignore them, standing so close to Even that he could smell him. That intoxicating smell he loved so much. He saw Even beam at him as he leaned against the tram pole, his hand making its way back under Isak’s jacket to caress his muscles. Isak was powerless to do anything but lean into his touch.
 
“Yeah, get some, gay dudes!” one of the middle schoolers called out happily, as his friends cheered and catcalled. The one with the Snoop Dogg music turned up the volume.
 
Even grinned back at them, laughing, but Isak felt flustered and forced himself to step back. An automatic reaction he still had to being in public that he just couldn’t shake. Years of forced conditioning didn’t just disappear overnight, he supposed. He was glad when the tram pulled up near Even’s street and they could leave.
 
After making sure the apartment was definitely empty, Even headed straight for his bedroom, and Isak followed him eagerly. He pushed Even up against the wardrobe, devouring his mouth as he pulled off his jacket.
 
“How long until your parents get home?” he asked breathlessly.
 
“Ages,” Even ripped the Nike shirt Isak was wearing over his head, tossing it onto the floor.
 
++++
 
He grabbed the hem of Even’s shirt, tugging it over his head, and they both laughed when it got stuck and Even had to help him finish the job. Isak wasted no time getting his jeans down, dropping onto his knees at the same time. He could see the outline of Even’s hard dick straining in his underwear.
 
“What about ‘this is your parents’ house’?” his boyfriend asked teasingly. He looked damn hot like that. Pressed up against the wardrobe, in nothing but blue boxers, an arm held up casually near his head. “What about ‘I need to be respectful’?”
 
“Oh sorry,” Isak grinned up at him sarcastically, pulling the underwear down at the same time, “did you want me to stop?”
 
Even opened his mouth to say something else, but Isak never heard it. The words were engulfed by a loud moan, the second he took his full length into his mouth. He felt Even’s whole body go weak against him, hands moving to his shoulders to help hold his weight up as Isak sucked him again and again. He was getting better at this, he thought proudly to himself. He could tell from the reception he was getting that Even thought so too.
 
“Do you want me to stop?” he asked again, voice much heavier now. He licked the tip of Even’s dick teasingly with his tongue, keeping his eyes on him the whole time.
 
His boyfriend exhaled thickly, lower back arching off the wall slightly as he did so. “No. Please.”
 
Since he asked so nicely, and all. Isak smirked and wrapped his lips around Even again, sliding up and down him. He could sense Even getting more and more desperate, grinding his hips forward and fucking into his mouth. It felt so good that it was almost enough to make him come into his own jeans. He grabbed Even’s ass with both hands, encouraging him deeper.
 
“Fuck, Isak,” Even groaned above him, “if you keep doing that, I’m going to come.”
 
Isak moaned, gripping onto Even tighter. He wanted it so badly. Wasn’t going to pull off too early this time, he was sure of it. He could feel Even trying to pull back from him, afraid he was getting too close. He held on, trying to let him know that this is exactly what he wanted. Finally, his boyfriend gave in. Isak felt him tense, then go weak as he released down his throat.
 
He made sure he swallowed all of it, wiping his lips with the back of his hand, then smiling shyly up towards Even. His boyfriend grinned back at him, legs shaking slightly as he still held onto Isak’s shoulders. He sank down to the floor, collapsing into Isak’s waiting arms.
 
“I liked doing that,” Isak said, more to himself than to Even, as he circled arms around his back.
 
He felt Even smile into his neck. “You can do that anytime you want.”
 
++++
 
They slowly made their way to the couch, Even pulling on his underwear and throwing a blanket over their laps. He allowed his boyfriend’s arms to wrap around him, resting his head on his bare chest.
 
“Do you feel ready for tonight?” he heard a calm voice ask.
 
In truth, he didn’t feel ready at all. He’d never felt less ready for anything. He wished beyond all else that time would freeze, and Even’s parents would never get home, so they could stay like this forever.
 
“No,” he admitted, “but I’m never going to be ready for that, so…”
 
He felt Even’s arms tighten around him. “You can do this. You know you can.”
 
Isak twisted so he could look at his boyfriend properly. The boyfriend who clearly believed that - believed in him - so much, that it was almost enough to make him believe it too. It was overwhelming, sometimes, being looked at like that. The way no one else had ever looked at him before. It made him love Even so much. More than he knew how to tell him.
 
“Even?” he asked quietly. He could feel all the emotions burning him up from the inside, threatening to be released.
 
His boyfriend smiled at him. “Yeah?”
 
He opened his mouth to speak, when they both heard the sound of a key being turned in the front door.
 
“Fuck,” Even muttered, kicking the blanket off them and searching for his pants, “they’re home early.”
 
Isak sighed, pushing the feelings back down. He braced himself for what was about to come.
 
***
 
18:59
 
“Okay, it’s official,” Petter sighed as he looked at the leftovers on the table, “I made too much food. Why did you tell me to make so much, Lise?”
 
“I didn’t…” Lise trailed away in frustration, as her husband chuckled. She’d been arguing the exact same point for most of the meal.
 
“Yeah, Lise,” Even added, swapping a grin with his father, “this is all your fault.”
 
Lise groaned and began collecting the plates. “Isak, do you see what I have to live with?”
 
Isak laughed. “Do you need a hand?”
 
“Actually, if you could grab those plates, that would be great,” she smiled. “Thanks, honey.”
 
He followed her into the kitchen, where they began putting away the leftovers and rinsing off the plates, stacking them in the dishwasher. The task was a good distraction from what he knew was about to come next. God, he wished he didn’t have to do this. Wished he could be anywhere else. Be anyone else.
 
What if Lise and Petter didn’t understand? What if they thought he was horrible for abandoning his mother last year? What if they thought he’d do the same thing to Even?
 
“How are you doing lately, sweetheart?” Lise broke through his reverie. She finished rinsing a plate, gracing him with that shining, warm Bech family smile.
 
He didn’t need to ask to know what she’d meant. “Better. Than the weekend, I mean.”
 
“Good,” she said sincerely, “you don’t seem as tired and worn out anymore.”
 
He nodded, bending to stack some plates in the dishwasher. “Even really helped out on Sunday. Thanks again, for letting us borrow the car.”
 
“No problem. Petter and I will help any way we can, too.”
 
Once they’d finished, they rejoined Petter and Even at the dining table. It was going to be hard to find a natural segue into the conversation, Isak realised. He just couldn’t picture it. How was your day at work, Lise and Petter? How about this weather we’ve been having lately? By the way, I think my mum could be having a psychotic breakdown and she probably needs to go to the mental hospital. Any thoughts on that?
 
Even took hold of his hand underneath the table. He looked at him, expression serious, and Isak knew this was the time. It was now or never.
 
“So,” his boyfriend began slowly, “there was something Isak and I wanted to talk to you guys about.”
 
“Oh no,” Petter laughed. “Even, you’re not pregnant, are you?”
 
Even spluttered, causing him to squeeze Isak’s hand tighter. “I’m pretty sure that’s physically impossible, Petter.”
 
“Are you having a shotgun wedding?” Lise joked. “I hope you’re not expecting us to pay for it.”
 
“We were thinking we’d elope, actually,” Even said, grinning.
 
Isak could just imagine the look on his father’s face if he was privy to this discussion. Or, heaven forbid, his mother. Even his sister. None of the Valtersens would ever understand the Bech Næsheims’ sense of humour.
 
“But seriously,” Petter shook his head, “you wanted to tell us something?”
 
They waited patiently for an answer. Isak locked eyes with Even, unsure whether or not he should speak first. After a prolonged silence, his boyfriend opened his mouth to say something, and Isak surprised himself as words came tumbling out before he could stop them.
 
“My mum is really sick.”
 
Lise and Petter’s expressions fell at almost the exact same time. They glanced at each other worriedly.
 
“I’m so sorry, Is,” Petter said softly. The kindness and sincerity in his eyes was so much that Isak almost couldn’t bare it.
 
He told himself that he wouldn’t get emotional. That he’d explain the situation clearly and clinically, like a doctor talking to a patient. He tried to remain calm, focusing on the feeling of Even’s hand pressed against his.
 
“I saw her just before Christmas. It seemed like she was doing okay, then, but…now I’m not so sure. I’ve been looking after her, sort of.”
 
Lise shifted forward slightly in her chair. A piece of her gold hair flopped over her ear as she did so, shielding half her face from view.
 
“Who is looking after your mum right now?” she asked.
 
“My sister,” Isak explained. “She’s fourteen. She normally takes care of our mum, but lately, that’s sort of become impossible.”
 
“Okay,” Petter nodded to himself as he mulled this over, “I see. That’s…very troubling.”
 
“What about your father?” Lise said. “Does he know about this?”
 
Isak shook his head awkwardly. “He can’t know about it. It would only makes things worse. He calls my sister once a week and she tells him that everything’s fine.”
 
Even’s parents exchanged a look, again. Isak’s face felt hot with shame. They probably thought he was the scourge of the earth, lying to his father like that. Making his little sister take on so much responsibility.
 
“Is there any other family you could contact?” Petter suggested.
 
“No,” said Isak sadly, “my mum doesn’t have any other family. My sister Lea and I are all she’s got.”
 
“That’s a lot of pressure on you both,” Lise told him sympathetically. “I can’t even imagine what it’s like.”
 
They were both being so damn kind and considerate, but it was making Isak feel like shit. He didn’t deserve this.
 
“We were hoping that you guys could help,” Even said, pulling Isak’s hand into his lap. “Maybe give some advice on what we should do.”
 
“Of course we’ll help,” Petter replied immediately, “but, Isak, we’re going to have to ask you a lot of questions about your mum, okay? Some are pretty intense and personal. Are you going to be alright with that?”
 
Isak bit his lip. His free hand had clenched so hard around his knee that it was starting to hurt. He relaxed his grip, and the muscles in his hand contracted, hurting as well.
 
“You don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to,” Lise reassured him. “But, in order to get a full picture of what’s going on, we do need to at least try and ask. Okay?”
 
Isak nodded numbly.
 
“Do you want me to stay or go for this?” Even turned to him. “I can do either.”
 
“Stay,” Isak replied without hesitation. He saw Lise and Petter smile at each other.
 
“Isak,” Lise began slowly, “when you say your mum is unwell, what sort of things are you referring to? Can you describe what that looks like, to us?”
 
Isak did his best to explain the last week to them. How his sister had called that Friday after the cabin trip, not knowing what to do. How Marianne repainted the study because she thought it would make his father happy. How she kept trying to cook in the middle of the night. How she muttered things under her breath, and spent most of her days lying in bed staring at the walls. How she’d told him that there was a computer chip in Lea’s brain. All through it, he fought against the voice in his own head. The conscience that reminded him of Marianne’s face, looking so hurt and betrayed by what he’d confided in people who were total strangers to her.
 
“I’m sorry I have to ask you this, Isak,” Petter said sincerely once he’d finished, “but it’s really important that we know. Has your mother ever tried to hurt you, or your sister? Or done anything to make you think that she could?”
 
He thought about when she’d slapped him at the church. How her nails had dug into his skin when she gripped his arm.
 
He swallowed thickly. “No. She’d never hurt us.”
 
She’d never mean to, is what he meant. He remembered the way she’d recoiled in horror from her own hand, when she realised what she’d done.
 
“Has she ever tried to hurt herself?” Lise asked regretfully.
 
The memory was as clear to him now, as it had been all those years ago. Dark red splashed on the white bathroom sink. The sound of his father’s terrified voice, screaming at him to get the medical kit.
 
He looked down at his lap and nodded silently.
 
Petter sighed heavily, his breath shallow. “Okay.”
 
“It was a long time ago,” Isak found himself saying hastily. Why did he feel like he needed to defend her? “She hasn’t done anything like that in years.”
 
Neither Petter or Lise responded. Another anxious glance passed between them.
 
“Isak, there’s a couple of things we can do, moving forward,” Lise explained to him. “We can try and convince your mother to check herself in to a private clinic. A place that’s been set up especially to care for people with mental health issues. Petter and I can easily help you to arrange that. The problem is, we can’t force her to go there, or to stay, against her will. She would need to agree that this is the best thing for her to do.”
 
There was a slim chance in hell of that happening, Isak knew.
 
“If she refuses to stay at the private clinic,” continued Lise, “and the doctors there deem her to be at risk to herself and others, it’s likely that she will be forced to stay in a public hospital. Now, I know from experience that she’s less likely to receive proper care and make any recovery that way, so it’s really not ideal. The best possible solution - the best shot we have at helping your mother - is by convincing her that she needs to get help.”
 
Isak tried to keep his voice as level as possible. “I don’t know how I’m going to do that.”
 
“Who is the person that your mother trusts most in the world?” Petter asked.
 
Isak considered. Until very recently, he would have said Lea, without a doubt.
 
“Maybe the priest at her church,” he mused aloud. Anyone she saw as being close to God, she was likely to at least have some faith in.
 
“Does he know about your mother’s condition?” asked Lise. “Do you think he’d be willing to try and help you?”
 
Isak reached into his pocket and pulled out the business card the priest had given to him yesterday. His phone number, email address and consultation hours were printed on the ivory paper in elegant red lettering, next to a large cross.
 
“He’ll help,” he said assuredly. “I can give him a call.”
 
“Good,” Petter smiled. “It will be good to have someone there with you.”
 
Lise looked uncomfortable when she spoke next. “What about your father?”
 
Isak pushed back the panic he suddenly felt. “I don’t want him to get involved.”
 
“I don’t think you have a choice, sweetheart,” she said sadly. “Your sister is too young to live independently. If your mother goes into care, the hospital will have to call him so he can look after Lea. It’s that, or they’ll have to get a social worker involved.”
 
“Couldn’t Lea live with Isak?” Even asked.
 
“She could, but Isak’s father is still her legal guardian,” Petter answered, “so he’d need to be made aware of her living arrangements.”
 
“Isak, we can only offer you advice,” said Lise, “but I think…I think you need to tell your father what’s going on. Better that he hears it from you, then winds up getting a call from a hospital, or social services.”
 
Isak knew she was right. The thought of his father bearing down on him, demanding to know why he hadn’t been told, was making his stomach churn nonetheless. He was going to get so worked up. He was going to march straight over to the house, scream at his mother, and make everything worse.
 
“If you really don’t want to talk to him,” Lise offered, “we could always do it for you.”
 
“No,” Isak said quickly. His father definitely wouldn’t take it well, if he sent the Bech Næsheims in instead. “No, that’s okay. I’ll go and see him this week.”
 
Petter nodded encouragingly. “I think that’s a good call. Just remember to stay firm in your resolve. If he tries to argue with you or gives you a hard time, try and keep calm and remind him you’re doing the right thing.”
 
Lise leaned towards him. “You are doing the right thing, Isak. I’m really glad you decided to talk to us.”
 
He felt Even squeeze his hand under the table. When he looked over, his boyfriend was beaming at him. He managed a tiny smile in return.
 
“Thank you,” he told them all quietly.
 
***
 
Wednesday, 18 January, 2017
 
16:37
 
The middle aged receptionist behind the desk beamed broadly when Isak walked into his father’s rooms. She had been working for him for years, but embarrassingly, he could never remember her name.
 
“Hello, Isak,” she said brightly. Clearly, she did not have the same trouble. “It’s been a while since you came by. You’ve grown up a lot, haven’t you?”
 
He wished people wouldn’t ask him that. He never knew what the hell he was supposed to say. Like, was it a huge shock that he’d aged in the past year? Wasn’t that what he was supposed to do?
 
“I’m meeting my dad for dinner,” he said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his head underneath his hat.
 
The receptionist didn’t seem bothered by his shyness at all. She typed something out on her computer while talking to him at the same time.
 
“He’s running a bit behind today. There’s just one more patient before he can leave. Take a seat and he won’t be long.”
 
Isak nodded and glanced around the tiny waiting area. Everything was a clinical shade of white. White couches, carpet and walls. A white vase of white flowers on the tiny table in the corner. The only colour was in the TV monitor on the wall. It showed a constant montage of newborn babies that his father and coworkers had helped deliver. They flashed, swivelled and star-wiped past the screen, all gurgley and smiley and happy.
 
A heavily pregnant woman sat on one of the couches, resting her hands on top of her swollen belly. She smiled at him, and he gave her a half-hearted smile in return. He took a seat on the adjacent couch, as far away from her as possible. The little girl sitting next to her looked up from her iPad, studying him carefully.
 
“Mamma, what is he doing here?” she asked loudly. “He’s a boy. Boys can’t have babies.”
 
“Leave the man alone, dear,” the woman said hastily, before turning to him with an apologetic smile. “Sorry.”
 
Isak gave her a smile and a little shrug. He wasn’t used to be referred to as ‘the man’ by anyone yet. Up until a few years ago, he’d always been ‘the boy’ or ‘the kid’. The girl didn’t seem satisfied with the answer she’d gotten, but gave up and returned to her iPad nonetheless. The woman’s eyes glazed over as she lost herself in her serene, private world. Isak tried to look anywhere but at the bulge in her stomach, which had always made him uncomfortable, for some reason. He wasn’t sure how his father could handle dealing with pregnancy and birth every day.
 
Visiting his father’s office always made him uncomfortable, too. It was mostly ordinary, with nothing special or defining about it. The only thing - the thing that had admittedly scared him as a child - was the tiny little room, hidden behind the door in the very back, right hand corner. The room with all the medical equipment and machinery, and the big white chair with stirrups to spread your legs wide on either side of you. Isak knew what the room was for now, of course, but no one had never explained it to him when he was younger, so it had unnerved him. He’d imagine all the nice, pregnant ladies who came to see his father being taken into that little room, and it would make him feel slightly queasy.
 
He heard a door open somewhere down the corridor, followed by light footsteps and hushed conversation. HIs father appeared, in his white doctor’s coat, along with one of his colleagues. The pretty woman with the long dark hair, from the Japanese restaurant. She appeared startled when she saw him sitting there, her brown eyes widening. Clearly, she’d had no idea he was stopping by.
 
Terje coughed awkwardly and touched her arm. Whispered something to her that no one else could hear. She nodded and disappeared behind the receptionist’s desk, busying herself with some papers.
 
“Hi, Isak,” Terje said brightly, as though nothing was amiss. “I have one more patient and then we can go, okay?”
 
Isak nodded curtly, biting back the annoyance he was feeling. How stupid did his father actually think he was?
 
Terje took a slip of paper from the receptionist and read it briefly before calling out the patient’s name (which seemed ridiculous, considering there was only one person left waiting). The pregnant woman and the little girl stood up and followed him down the corridor.
 
“That’s my son,” he told them on the way. “We’re having dinner together later.”
 
The woman glanced back over her shoulder and beamed. “How nice!”
 
Isak was left to wait for another forty minutes. He stared at the baby pictures on the TV, for as long as he could handle it, then pulled out his phone as a distraction. He had a text message from Even on his lock screen.
 
You can do this! <3
 
It made him smile. Even had offered to come to dinner with him and his father, but in the end, he’d decided to go this one alone. He didn’t want the first time Even and Terje would spend time together to end in an explosive confrontation. Even had been burdened with enough of his family bullshit lately as it was.
 
He wished he didn’t feel so nervous. Fathers shouldn’t make you feel nervous, and small, and bitter, he’d decided. Fathers should be like Petter Naesheim. Easygoing, and a little dorky, and kind, and understanding.
 
When Terje eventually returned, sans his white doctor’s coat, he directed the pregnant woman over to the receptionist before he acknowledged that Isak was still there.
 
“Shall we go?” he suggested, already walking towards the door.
 
Isak followed him out - glad to be leaving that claustrophobic white space behind him - and down in an elevator towards the car park. The silence between them felt stifling.
 
“I called your sister to see if she wanted to join us,” Terje eventually said, “but I couldn’t get her to agree to it.”
 
“That’s okay,” Isak answered, trying to act like this was a surprise.
 
“She tells me you’ve been to see her lately. And your mother.”
 
It was the perfect lead into the conversation they were meant to have. But Isak wasn’t about to lay something so heavy on his father, in the middle of an elevator inside his work building. Nobody deserved that. Instead, he said nothing in response.
 
Terje cleared his throat. “I’m glad…I’m glad you are spending time with them, again. I think it will mean a lot to your mother, especially. It may help her with her stress.”
 
The elevator trundled to a stop at the car park.
 
“Mum and Lea met Even,” Isak said, just as they were getting out.
 
His father froze for a split second. “Isak…”
 
“What?” he asked innocently.
 
“Do you really think that’s a good idea?”
 
“I think it went really well,” he said defiantly, as they walked towards the car. “I told Mum about Even. She doesn’t care.”
 
In truth, it was hard to know if Marianne even remembered sending him that text message, Isak thought sadly. In her current state, bringing it up was the last thing he’d thought about doing. If she did remember at all, she wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be dealing with it, anyway.
 
Terje sighed heavily. “You shouldn’t have put that on her. You know she can’t always handle things like that.”
 
What do you know about it? Isak thought bitterly. He cast his eyes downwards and kept his mouth shut.
 
His father unlocked the car and they both climbed inside.
 
“I thought we could go to my new apartment for dinner,” he said, “since you haven’t seen it yet.”
 
“I’d rather go out to eat,” Isak replied hastily.
 
“Okay, where do you want to go?”
 
He actually hadn’t thought that far ahead. In the end, he had no better ideas at all. He shrugged, feeling sheepish.
 
“If you don’t have any suggestions, we’ll go to the apartment,” his father said. “It’s only a five minute drive from here, and it has some nice views of the city.”
 
Isak’s father had always been precise. The drive took exactly five minutes, as he’d promised. Closer than the distance between Even’s place and the Kollektiv, which he and Even sometimes walked. It seemed excessive to use a car to begin with. They parked and took another escalator to the second floor from the top. The apartment was pristine and modern, with hardly any clutter. It barely looked lived in at all.
 
“I had the cleaners come by today, since I knew you were coming over,” Terje explained. He began pottering around the kitchen, opening the fridge and cupboards. He pulled out some pizza bases and assortment of toppings and set to work.
 
“Do you cook often at home?” he asked casually as Isak sat down at the counter.
 
“Not really,” Isak admitted, with a small laugh. “I’m pretty hopeless at it.”
 
“You take after me, then,” Terje laughed as well. “Your mother was always better at that sort of thing.”
 
Isak watched silently for a while as he began putting the pizzas together.
 
“Even can cook,” he eventually said. “He’s really good at it.”
 
His father glanced up at him briefly. “It sounds like things are getting pretty serious between you two.”
 
“I guess so.” They had been pretty serious since the beginning, truth be told. With Even getting sick, and now his mother, they hadn’t had much time for normal teenage relationship stuff.
 
“Are you going to bring him over for dinner sometime?” Terje continued. “I’d like to get to know him. Especially if he’s already met your mother and Lea.”
 
“Yeah, maybe,” he replied noncommittally. He grinned as a thought occurred to him. “He should probably take care of the cooking, if that happens. Since we’re both hopeless.”
 
His father chuckled. “Yes, that would probably be for the best.”
 
It was almost like being normal, talking to his father like this. If they kept going, Isak could easily forget the reason why he’d come here in the first place. They discussed school, and the news (Terje reprimanded him again for not paying enough attention to global events), until they put the pizzas in the oven.
 
“I’m glad you wanted to have dinner, Isak,” his father said, in that awkward tone of voice that meant he was taking a stab at an emotional conversation. “I know things have been hard lately, but…I am trying. You know that, don’t you?”
 
Isak could feel the guilt coming on, thick and heavy, though he wasn’t entirely sure why. A vivid image of his mother’s face, contorted and laughing in that scary, hysterical way she sometimes did, appeared in his mind, and he couldn’t get it to go away.
 
“Dad?”
 
His father had pulled a bottle of red wine out of the cupboard and was pouring himself a glass. Isak knew better than to ask for one. Terje had always been a lot more concerned with abiding by the rules than the Bech Næsheims were.
 
“Yes, son?”
 
Isak looked his father directly in the eye, for the first time in a long time. He saw wide grey staring back at him. “Did Mum ever study Art History, before she got into medicine?”
 
Terje blinked, taken aback by the question. He thought long and hard before he answered.
 
“I don’t think…” he trailed away, as realisation dawned on him, “wait, yes. Yes, she did. For about a year, before she changed to medical science,” he shook his head and gave a tiny smile as memory clouded over. “I can’t believe I forgot about that.”
 
“What made her decide to change?”
 
Growing up, his father had always seemed so sturdy and stoic. Isak knew exactly what sort of a man he was, and where he had come from. Could see the path that his life would take so clearly - or at least he’d thought so, up until his parents’ separation. His mother, on the other hand, had always been cloaked in mystery. She never spoke about her family - except to say that she didn’t have any - or her past…the woman she’d been before she had a husband, or children. As he’d told Even, it was almost as if she was a stranger, to Isak, in many ways. It was odd that he’d never considered asking his father about it before now. Somehow, it had always felt like it was forbidden. Maybe he’d assumed Terje wouldn’t answer. Maybe deep down, he didn’t want to know the answers, at all.
 
Terje was lost in thought. He leaned against the kitchen counter between them, his glass of wine forgotten.
 
“It was because of the little boy,” he said softly.
 
Isak narrowed his eyes, confused. “The little boy?”
 
His father’s eyes were glassy, as though the memories were flashing before them.
 
“It was towards the end of her first year at university,” he said. “She was cycling home, when she saw a little boy run out onto the road and get hit by a truck.”
 
The way he said it made Isak feel like he was there, watching. Abrupt, sharp and grating. He imagined the blaring of the horn. The sickening, crunching sound of the collision.
 
“She told me that she sat next to him, in the middle of the road, and held his hand until the ambulance came,” Terje continued. “She didn’t know what else to do. By the time the ambulance arrived, though, it was already too late. He died while she was saying a prayer over his head, begging for his life.”
 
This would have been years ago, Isak realised. In the late eighties or early nineties, before he was even alive. Why, then, did he suddenly feel the loss of this boy so heavily?
 
“I didn’t hear this story until years later,” said Terje, “after I met your mother at medical school. But she told me that was the moment when she decided she wanted to be a surgeon. She said she never wanted to feel that helpless again. The next time she saw someone like that, she wanted to be able to save them.”
 
Marianne had always been so proud of her job. She never seemed to mind the long, gruelling hours. The countless, consistent study that it required for her to remain at the top of her field. But then, when he was still in elementary school, something had happened at the hospital, and she wasn’t able to do her job anymore. A long, drawn-out court case followed. A time Isak remembered as a blur of being pulled out of school by his stressed out parents, being forced to wear a suit, and sitting silently in the courtroom for hours on end. All to prove what a wonderful, supportive family they were to the stone-faced judge. It had been meaningless, in the end. After it finally ended, his mother hadn’t been able to get herself out of bed for weeks.
 
“It’s been years since I thought about any of that,” Terje shook his head again. He remembered the glass of wine was still sitting there and brought it to his lips. “Such a long time ago.”
 
“I’ve never heard that story before,” Isak said quietly.
 
Terje gave him a strange, sad smile. “No, I don’t suppose you would have.”
 
“Did Mum ever live in Italy or France?”
 
“I don’t know, Isak,” he said earnestly. “I think she lived in a lot of different places, when she was younger. But that was before I knew her. Your mother always was a private person. She didn’t like to talk about the past.”
 
Isak didn’t like the way his father used the past tense. It made it sound as if she wasn’t there anymore. For Isak, she was always there, he realised in that moment. Even in the times when he wished she wasn’t. Marianne on her knees in church, praying. Marianne laughing in her paint-stained jeans in the middle of the night. Marianne holding up her bloodied wrists to the mirror and screaming at her own reflection. NOW LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE! Marianne crumpled and crying in the corner of her bedroom the night he left home. Marianne texting him.
 
I have loved you, and I always will for eternity.
 
“Dad,” he said, his voice thick and scratchy, “she’s getting really sick again.”
 
His father froze, the wine glass held halfway up towards his lips. “What?”
 
“Even knows about it. He knows about everything,” he added quickly. “I told his parents. They’re social workers. They’re going to help me get her into a hospital.”
 
Terje set the wine glass back on the table. His face had turned pale.
 
“I don’t understand,” he said in bewilderment. “I check in on them. I call Lea every week. The Christmas concert…”
 
“A lot’s changed since then,” Isak explained. “And Lea…we’ve both been lying to you. We didn’t want you to know.”
 
He could actually see his father feeding the emotions back down, the way he’d presumably been taught. The way all Valtersens were taught.
 
“Okay,” he nodded resolutely, his tone a mixture of anger and terror, “we need to go over there. We need to go over there right now.”
 
“No!!”
 
Instinctively, Isak ran around to the other side of the kitchen counter, arms outstretched to block his father from going any further.
 
“Isak, what are you doing?” he said through gritted teeth.
 
“You can’t go over there.”
 
“What do you mean? Why not?”
 
“Because,” he said slowly, as his heart wrenched in two, “you’re not her husband anymore.”
 
Terje took a step back, as though he was knocked over by the sheer force of Isak’s words.
 
“You don’t understand-” he began.
 
“No, you don’t understand,” Isak exclaimed. “You didn’t see what she was like, after you left.”
 
“You didn’t tell me.”
 
“How could we? What were we supposed to do? You left.”
 
His father sighed. His figure slumped against the counter as he looked down. “You think this is all my fault, don’t you?”
 
Isak knew the answer to that question without having to think about it. It was the thing that kept him up sometimes during the night. The core difference between how he and Lea had dealt with their parents’ separation. Lea had blamed Terje, that much was certain. But deep in his heart, Isak had always blamed Marianne.
 
“No,” he said, face turning red from shame, “I didn't think it was your fault.”
 
“I didn’t have a choice, Isak,” his father continued. “I couldn’t live like that a minute longer. Years and years of begging her to get treated. Years of trying to protect you and your sister from having to see the worst of it. Years of watching her…do the things she did. I was exhausted.”
 
“You tried to get her help?”
 
The question left his father astonished. “Of course I tried. I tried for so long. I just couldn’t try anymore.”
 
Isak remembered being a boy, looking up at his father, who had seemed so tall, and stoic, and strong to him. Now, in that moment, standing opposite each other in the kitchen, Terje had never looked so small. Isak suddenly felt a thousand inches taller. Taller than he’d ever felt in his life.
 
“I’m never going to stop trying,” he said.
 
The smell of burnt pizzas was slowly filling the apartment. Without another word, Isak picked up his things and left.
 
***
 
Thursday, 19 January, 2017
 
20:54
 
Isak looked up from his laptop when he felt eyes on him from across the bed. Even was sitting cross-legged on the other side of their mounds of textbooks, staring at him unabashedly.
 
“Stop it,” he said brusquely, trying to be as serious as possible. “We’re supposed to be studying, remember?”
 
His boyfriend said nothing, but did that eyebrow thing that was beginning to drive Isak crazy - in both a good and bad way. He was wearing Isak’s black hoodie, as well as his (or, more accurately, Jonas’) red snapback, which flattened some of his hair against his forehead. It made him look dorky, but in the most endearing way possible.
 
“Seriously,” he gestured towards Even’s textbooks, as his boyfriend’s face crinkled, “stop looking at me and do your school shit. I’m trying to focus.”
 
Even laughed, though he picked up a book nonetheless and opened it somewhere in the middle. It was strange seeing their school books stacked side-by-side on the bed like this. On Isak’s side - Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Advanced Mathematics, Fitness and Health. And on Even’s - English, Spanish, Media Studies, Photography, Drama, Music. They really could not have been more opposite.
 
He tried to ignore the fact that Even was still stealing glances at him over the top of his book, and went back to his Physics homework. A short time later, his phone buzzed on the beside table. He felt his heart drop when he saw it was a message from his father, shorter and less formal than what he normally sent.
 
I’ve been thinking about what you said yesterday. I’m not going to stop trying too. Let me know what you need me to do.
 
He read it over a few times, making sure he wasn’t imagining it. A smile had crept into his face without him even noticing. He suddenly felt better than he had in weeks. Lighter. He suddenly wanted to celebrate.
 
He pushed the laptop off his legs and crawled over towards Even, who had actually gotten somewhat absorbed in what he was reading, and was pretending not to notice him. Isak kissed him gently on the cheek, before slowly moving down towards his neck.
 
“No, go away,” Even laughed, holding the book resolutely in front of his face, “I’m busy now.”
 
“No, you’re not,” Isak murmured against his skin. His hand touched Even’s knee, before lightly running down the inside of his thigh.
 
“Yes, I am. I’m studying, just like you said. And this is a really…” he gasped as Isak’s fingers reached his crotch, and began undoing his jeans, “…it’s a really interesting book, actually.”
 
“Oh really?” Isak teased him. “What’s the book about?”
 
“It’s about-” he stopped again when Isak’s hand dipped below the waistband of his underwear, slowly stroking up and down, “fuck.”
 
Isak stopped abruptly, eyebrows raised. It was so damn hard to keep a straight face.
 
“It’s about ‘fuck’? Really? That does sound interesting, maybe you should keep reading?”
 
He grinned at the look on Even’s face, which was a mixture of horny, frustrated and entertained all at once. His boyfriend took the book and threw it deliberately across the room, where it thunked and skidded along the floor. He uncrossed his legs and pushed Isak back down onto the pillows, shoving some of their books out of the way at the same time, causing Isak to laugh. He took the hat off Even’s head as he devoured his mouth, throwing it on the floor as well so he could run desperate fingers through his hair.
 
They didn’t think or speak about homework again for the rest of the night.
 
***
 
Friday, 20 January, 2017
 
21:16
 
Isak sat on the grey couch in Anders’ living room, a lukewarm bottle of Tuborg resting on his knee as he tried to pay attention to what Eva was saying next to him. Across the room, Even was leaning against the wall, engrossed in a conversation with the party host and a small group of third year guys. One of them - a blond boy who had the rare attribute of actually being taller than Even - nudged him in the shoulder, and all of them cracked up. Even laughed the loudest, bright and sunny, the sound of it carrying over the loud bass music.
 
“Some of Even’s new friends are pretty cute,” Eva yelled, leaning into his ear.
 
“Yeah?” he replied distractedly.
 
Anders had just said something else, gesturing towards the tall blond boy with his beer, which made everyone laugh again. Louder than they’d laughed for the blond guy. He tried not to feel annoyed by it. Like Anders was that funny. Isak wondered absently if he had a girlfriend. He wasn’t sure why, but that would have made him feel a lot better, somehow.
 
Eva took another swig of wine from the bottle she was carrying around, then leaned into Isak’s shoulder.
 
“I don’t think I’ll hook up tonight, though,” she said. “There are too many girls at this party. Too much competition.”
 
Jonas and Mahdi, on the other hand, were looking pretty happy with their situation. They’d both gravitated over to Anders’ dance chick friends almost as soon as they’d arrived. They were sitting amongst a group of them on the floor, laughing way too loudly at their jokes. Magnus, meanwhile, had retreated to a corner with Vilde. She was sitting across his lap and they were kissing and giggling together happily.
 
“Maybe you can hook up with one of the dance chicks,” Isak told Eva, half-jokingly.
 
She giggled. “Maybe! Think I’d have a better shot than Jonas and Mahdi?”
 
“Probably,” Isak grinned at her.
 
One of the dance girls had approached Anders from behind, wrapping her arms drunkenly around his waist and squeezing him so hard, she practically lifted him off his feet. He laughed and leaned back into her embrace, patting her on the arms. Good.
 
“You’re lucky you’re in a relationship, Isak,” Eva sighed. “You don’t have to worry about playing stupid games anymore. All the reading between the lines, and the long conversations with your friends about what it every text means. It gets exhausting after a while.”
 
“Do you miss being in a relationship?” he asked her, curiously. Aside from at the Kosegruppa Christmas party, they hadn't really talked about this sort of thing, much.
 
“Sometimes,” his friend admitted, “but then I’ll remember how it made me crazy. I used to get so jealous and paranoid.”
 
Isak watched Even introduce himself to Anders’ dance friend, as Eva spoke. She let go of Anders and gave him a huge hug.
 
“Besides,” Eva shrugged, “it’s not like I have anyone on my radar right now, anyway.”
 
“What about Penetrator Chris?” Isak asked her teasingly.
 
“Yeah, no thanks,” she pulled a face, “we have fun together, but he’s not boyfriend material. I can’t trust a fuckboy like him, so it could never be anything serious.”
 
She followed his gaze over towards Even and smiled, taking another sip of wine. “You know, I think you might have gotten the last decent guy in the whole school. You’re so lucky.”
 
That admittedly made him feel a little smug. Isak grinned. “Yeah.”
 
Eva sighed resolutely, pulling herself back up off Isak’s shoulder. “Okay, time to stop feeling sorry for myself. Which dance chick do you think I should try and hook up with?”
 
“I really don’t think you’re asking the right person that question,” Isak said.
 
She looked around the room, before settling her eyes on a petite, blonde girl with a fringe and wavy hair. She was sitting off slightly to one side from the rest of her friends, shy and a little awkward.
 
“What about her?” Eva asked, gesturing her wine bottle in the girl’s direction. “The one who kind of looks like Taylor Swift.”
 
Isak laughed. In all honesty, the dance chicks looked the same to him, more or less. “Sure.”
 
“How should I approach her?”
 
This was something he could help with, at least. Hitting on girls had never been much of a problem for him in the past. Mostly because the stakes were so slow, so he knew he had nothing to lose.
 
“In my experience, it’s best to go over there with something to offer her,” he said. “Take her some wine, maybe. It’ll be a good conversation starter.”
 
“Okay, that’s a good start,” she sipped her wine, then hid her face in his shoulder again, “ah, I can’t do it, Isak! I’m too nervous.”
 
“Come on, Eva,” he said encouragingly, “you’re never going to get anywhere hanging out with me on the couch. Go and live your life.”
 
“What’s going on?” Even laughed as he walked over to them. He dropped onto the couch on Isak’s other side, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Isak was secretly glad he’d come back to him.
 
“Eva wants to hook up with one of the dance chicks,” he explained to his boyfriend, as Eva continued to hide her face. “The one who looks like Taylor Swift.”
 
It took a moment for Even to figure out who they were talking about. He grinned and nodded approvingly when he finally spotted her.
 
“Okay, yeah, I can see that,” he said. “Nice.”
 
Eva poked her head up from Isak’s shoulder. “I’m not going to do it. I’m too scared.”
 
“Don’t be scared, Eva,” Even gave her a little shake with the arm that was across Isak. “You’re beautiful, strong and confident. You’ve got this.”
 
She blushed and giggled simultaneously. “No! The only girls I’ve ever hooked up with before have been my friends. I don’t know how to approach a stranger. She’ll think I’m weird.”
 
“Just go for it,” Isak begged her. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
 
“If you get rejected, it’s got no bearing on who you are as a person,” Even encouraged her.
 
They were interrupted from carrying on the conversation when Anders and his overly-affectionate friend walked over to them, arms around each others’ waists. Isak tried really hard not to be irritated by the intrusion. He was not going to get jealous and paranoid, damn it.
 
“Isak, this is my best friend since elementary school, Hanna,” Anders said, smiling. Now that they were closer, Isak realised that Anders was more or less holding her upright. She’d definitely had too much to drink.
 
“I was just saying to Anders that you and Even are so cute together,” she slurred. “You’re the cutest couple in the whole school.”
 
Isak and Even turned to look at each other at the same time, spluttering.
 
“Thanks?” Isak replied awkwardly, feeling himself blush.
 
“Anders,” Hanna looked up at her friend seriously, “don’t you think they are so cute together?”
 
“Yep, they are definitely cute,” Anders grinned, as Hanna staggered against him a little. Even started laughing, his hand caressing Isak’s shoulder.
 
Hanna’s eyes grew wide. “You should make out, like, right now!”
 
“Sorry,” Anders said, “she’s a little wasted.”
 
“Don’t you think they should make out?” Hanna asked Eva seriously.
 
Eva was enjoying this far too much for Isak’s liking. She beamed at the drunk girl.
 
“Oh, they should definitely make out!”
 
“Eva, don’t encourage her!” Isak nudged his friend in the side.
 
“Make out, make out!” Hanna clapped her hands together, then turned to shout over her shoulder, “hey guys, who thinks Even and Isak should make out right now?”
 
It wasn’t long before there was a crowd of people standing around them, chanting ‘make out, make out!’ in unison, while clapping their hands and stomping their feet together. Isak looked around at all the happy faces - Anders and his friends, the dance chicks, Vilde and Magnus, Eva still sitting at his side, Jonas and Mahdi, Noora and Chris - cheering for him and his boyfriend to kiss each other, and marvelled at how this time last year, he never would have imagined that this was his life. In the distance, he caught sight of Sana leaning against a wall, arms crossed over her chest. She rose her eyebrows at him, amused, when they locked eyes for a second, and shook her head.
 
He turned back to his handsome boyfriend, who was grinning at him with wide, beautiful blue eyes. Those big, puffy lips so inviting. The rest of the world could have so easily melted away. He could forget that they had an audience at all. He felt his own lips split open into a grin, as he grabbed hold of the front of Even’s shirt, pulling him towards him, and a loud cheer and applause went up across the room.
 
***
 
22:25
 
“What are you doing out here?” Isak asked as he opened Anders’ back door, and found his best friend sitting on a step facing the yard. “It’s fucking freezing, man.”
 
Jonas turned around and gave him a tiny smile. “Just needed some air.”
 
Wordlessly, he dropped down next to him, handing him a beer. He tried not to think about how cold the stone step felt against the fabric of his pants.
 
“How did it go with the dance chicks?”
 
“Not great,” Jonas laughed. “I guess I just wasn’t really feeling it, I don’t know.”
 
Isak wondered if this had something to do with Eva being at the same party. He was beginning to feel bad for encouraging her to try and hook up with the Taylor Swift lookalike.
 
“How are things with you, anyway?” the other boy asked, taking a sip of his beer.
 
Isak looked straight ahead into the darkness. “I told Even everything. Everything about my mum.”
 
He could feel Jonas’ eyes studying him carefully. “That’s good.”
 
“I’m going to try and get her to go to a mental health clinic. I want her to get treated.”
 
A stunned silence followed this revelation. Isak turned to face his companion…could make out grey eyes watching him through the night.
 
“You’re not going to say anything about that?” he asked nervously.
 
Jonas set the beer aside, staring up at the sky. “I’m just surprised, I guess. I didn’t think you’d ever…I don’t know. But it’s good. It’s the right decision.”
 
“Yeah?” he smiled when he saw his best friend nod in response.
 
“Yeah. Is she…is it getting really bad, again?”
 
“It’s bad,” Isak admitted, staring up at the sky now too. “But it’s not like the last time. Since I told Even…since he’s been helping me, I just…I have more…”
 
“Hope?” Jonas suggested.
 
“Yeah,” he agreed, “hope.”
 
They sat in silence a while longer, drinking and listening to the noise of the party going on inside. Isak wasn’t sure if it was the beer, the twinkle of the stars in the night sky, or the darkness surrounding them, but he suddenly felt like being honest. With Jonas. The universe. Himself.
 
“I’m in love with Even,” he said. It was the first time he’d said it out loud. To anyone.
 
He heard Jonas laugh next to him. “I could’ve told you that.”
 
“I don’t know if he feels the same way, though.”
 
“Okay, I know you’re a bit oblivious sometimes-” Jonas sounded irritated.
 
“I’m not-”
 
“But seriously, Isak, what the fuck?”
 
“I really don’t know!” he exclaimed. “And I don’t want to say it, and then he’ll tell me it’s too soon, or something. That would be humiliating.”
 
“That won’t happen,” his best friend argued, full of confidence. “He’ll say it back.”
 
“He didn’t drink during ‘Never Have I Ever’.”
 
“Neither did you.”
 
Isak took a long drink and sighed. “What if he doesn't feel the same way?”
 
“He does,” Jonas gave him a grin. “But there’s only one way to find out.”
 
Why did everyone’s advice to him always make things sound so easy? Isak had spent most of his life wishing he had half the confidence of his best friend. In truth, he was just a bundle of insecurity.
 
“Have you ever told someone that you love them, before?” he asked.
 
“Yeah,” Jonas replied almost instantly. “Eva.”
 
“How did you do it?”
 
To his surprise, Jonas suddenly became deeply uncomfortable. He finished off the rest of his drink in less than a minute, slamming the empty beer can resolutely onto the step.
 
“You have to promise never to tell anyone this, okay? Ever.”
 
“I promise,” Isak said earnestly, as his interest perked up.
 
“Seriously,” Jonas narrowed his eyes at him. “I’m only telling you because you’re going through some shit right now and you seem really down at the moment. We never talk about this again. It never leaves this space, okay?”
 
“Okay, fine,” Isak rolled his eyes impatiently. “Just tell me.”
 
Jonas stared down at his lap, lowering his voice to a whisper.
 
“It was during sex.”
 
“That’s not so embarrassing,” Isak replied earnestly. “That’s actually kind of…nice, I guess?”
 
“I started crying.”
 
“What?!” he gasped, struggling not to laugh. “How much crying are we talking about here? A couple of tears?”
 
“Not exactly,” Jonas mumbled. “She was on top and she was looking down at me and right towards the end I just sort of…lost it.”
 
He sounded so intensely humiliated that Isak knew it was not the time to make fun of him. He pondered over what he’d just heard, trying to rectify the image he had of his best friend with the image of himself that he’d just described.
 
“Wow. Okay,” he said slowly. “Uh…so, how did she react?”
 
“Yeah, not well,” Jonas said in a strained voice. “She just handed me some tissues and then we went to sleep.”
 
“And she didn’t say it back?”
 
“Not for a couple of weeks…” he trailed away as Isak started shaking from the effort of keeping his laughter at bay. “Shut up! It’s not that funny.”
 
Isak finally lost it, then.
 
“It’s pretty funny,” he said in between giggles.
 
“It’s not that weird actually,” Jonas said haughtily. “I looked it up. Lots of people cry during sex.”
 
“I have never, ever cried during sex.”
 
“Yeah, well, there’s a first time for everything.”
 
Isak could still feel his sides shaking. In part, he felt awful, but there wasn’t really much he could do. It was so rare that he had the upper hand over Jonas like this.
 
“Isak!” Jonas shouted, when he wouldn’t shut up.
 
“What?”
 
When he spoke next, he actually seemed a little desperate. “Please, please don’t tell anyone that story.”
 
“I won’t tell anyone,” Isak assured him, with all the sincerity he could muster.
 
He heard Jonas sigh with relief. “Thanks.”
 
Silence engulfed them again for a few seconds, before Isak started smirking to himself.
 
“Can I tell Even, though?”
 
“Isak!” Jonas exploded.
 
“I’m kidding!” he said back quickly, laughing. “It never leaves here.”
 
“Good,” Jonas sighed again.
 
They heard the back door open seconds later, and Eva herself slid outside, wrapped up in a blanket and wearing one of Vilde’s beanies.
 
“What are you two doing out here in the dark and cold?” she asked incredulously.
 
“Nothing!” Isak and Jonas said in unison.
 
She gave a little shrug and sat down on Isak’s other side, leaning her head on his shoulder again. He could smell the wine on her.
 
“I struck out,” she mumbled defeatedly.
 
Jonas smiled at her from across Isak. “Me too.”
 
She grinned at him, wrapping the blanket around her shoulders more tightly before pouting up at Isak. “Taylor Swift stole the rest of my wine.”
 
“Probably for the best,” Isak patted her on the back kindly. “I think you’ve had enough.”
 
“Do I want to know what the hell you’re talking about?” Jonas laughed.
 
Eva laughed. “It’s a long story. But hey, at least one of us didn’t strike out tonight.”
 
“Making out with your boyfriend at a party doesn’t count,” Jonas pointed out.
 
Yes, it does,” Isak smirked at him, “just because I get more action than either of you do these days…”
 
“Hey!” Eva nudged him, “I was on your side, damn it!”
 
He sat there between them on the step, feeling somewhat less cold now he was being shielded from either side. At the end of their first year, Isak mused, he’d thought he had lost this forever. That he’d fucked things up so badly - with his shitty, misplaced jealousy - that things might never be the same again. They probably wouldn’t be. But maybe they could be something else. Something better. Here they were: Isak, Jonas and Eva, sitting together under the stars and talking like old friends. And if that was possible, who was to say that anything else couldn’t be too?
 
He looked up at the stars, shining dimly through the clouds in the night sky. Pictured his mother, his father, and sister, perhaps looking up at those same stars too. Thought about Even kissing him in the car last week, reminding him that he wasn’t alone.
 
“Isak?” Eva asked, glancing up from his shoulder to see his face. “You went all quiet there for a second.”
 
He smiled down at her. “Do you ever get this weird feeling, like…that everything is just going to work out, somehow? That it’ll be okay?”
 
In that minute, in that moment, Isak really believed that it was true.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Saturday, 21 January, 2017

10:31

Even lay on Isak’s bed and squeezed the boy he held in his arms tightly. “Just tell me!”
 
He saw the back of his boyfriend’s blonde head move from side to side as he shook it. “No.”
 
“You have to, now,” he grinned, placing a soft kiss at the base of his neck. “You can’t just say something like that, and then leave me hanging.”
 
“Yes, I can,” Isak laughed. “I won’t take responsibility for the decisions that drunk Isak made.”
 
On the walk back home last night, a very drunk and bubbly Isak had mentioned that there was a couple of sex things he’d really wanted to try out - and one thing in particular - which they hadn’t done yet. Even never got to find out what the thing was, though. His boyfriend had promised to show him, but when Even went to the bathroom and came back he found Isak passed out on top of the covers. He’d put him to bed, but as soon as he was awake he started pestering him immediately.
 
“Come on,” he pleaded, nuzzling into the back of his boyfriend’s shoulders, “I won’t judge you. I’ll probably be into it.”
 
He felt Isak hesitate, then sigh. “No. I can’t. Nope. You’re just going to have to get me drunk again.”
 
“Okay,” Even laughed. “I like drunk Isak.”
 
“That guy his a douche. He makes terrible decisions.”
 
“He makes the best decisions.”
 
Even didn’t need to see Isak’s face to know he was rolling his eyes. He shifted in Even’s arms, turning around to face him so they could kiss properly.
 
“Hey,” Isak said after a while, eyes closed and lips parted in a wide grin, “you make me really happy.”
 
Even couldn’t have kept the smile off his face if he tried. “You make me really happy too.”
 
It was hard for him to imagine the times when Isak hadn’t been a part of his life. They hadn’t been together long, but Isak felt so intrinsically like a part of everything he did, every decision he made, that it was sometimes easy to forget he’d had a whole life before this.
 
“Have your parents said anything much lately about hospitals?” Isak said in a more serious tone, once their kissing died down. “You know, for my mum.”
 
“Not really,” Even admitted. “I know they’ve been doing research. Talking to some of their contacts. The place I stayed at has a pretty good reputation, overall. Maybe they’ll end up recommending it.”
 
That would be strange, he reflected. He wasn’t sure how he’d feel about visiting that place again.
 
He could tell that Isak was burning with questions, but maybe he was afraid to ask. Afraid of upsetting him, or sending his mind back to a dark place.
 
“It’s okay,” he said warmly, “we can talk about it, if you want to. It doesn’t bother me.”
 
“Are you sure?” Isak asked worriedly.
 
Even nodded, kissing his lips softly. Isak placed a hand on his hip, looking down at the tiny gap of space between them.
 
“What was it like, there? I know you told me a bit, in the car the other week, but…”
 
Even thought about his answer carefully. It was hard to remember everything. Some things stood out, but a lot of it had been a blur of therapy, and doctors, and trailing medication. A strange new world for him at the time, though all of it just seemed so normal now.
 
“It took me a while to get comfortable,” he said. “For the first few weeks, I remember just wanting to go home. I knew I needed to be there, but it didn’t make it any easier. After a while, I got used to it. It helped, getting to know some of the other patients. I met a few other people with bipolar in group therapy, which was sort of cool. I even made friends with some of the nursing staff.”
 
“That sounds like you,” Isak smiled. “You could make friends with anybody, anywhere.”
 
“Not really,” Even laughed.
 
“How long were you there for?”
 
“It’s hard to say. It felt like a lot longer than it was. A couple of months, maybe?” he laughed again as he remembered something. “I was there for my nineteenth birthday.”
 
“Wow,” Isak frowned sympathetically, “that is a really shitty birthday.”
 
“It wasn’t so bad,” Even grinned. “My parents came to visit me. And so did, uh, Sonja…”
 
He trailed away awkwardly, as Isak’s eyes avoided him. His boyfriend licked his lips.
 
“Sorry,” Even said sheepishly.
 
“No, it’s fine,” Isak replied. “She was part of your life for four years. She’s going to come up from time to time. No big deal.”
 
Even smiled gratefully. He pulled Isak closer to him, so that their chests were touching.
 
“It’s funny, the more I talk about this, the more stuff is coming back to me,” he said ponderously. “Like the mint thing, in Mindfulness.”
 
“What’s Mindfulness?” Isak asked curiously.
 
“It’s this thing they do, that’s supposed to help clear your mind, and bring you into the here and now,” Even explained. “Sort of like meditation. It was run by this woman who worked at the hospital. She made everyone sit on the floor, and gave us these mints, and we had to like, feel the texture of them against our skin, and notice the colour and listen to the sound of them and stuff.”
 
Isak looked skeptical. “Did that help?”
 
“No,” Even laughed, “the whole time I was sitting there, I was thinking, ‘this is a fucking mint’, and then I would crack up. It wasn’t really for me.”
 
Isak giggled. “Fucking mints…”
 
He loved that Isak understood his sense of humour so well. He couldn’t help kissing him again.
 
“The thing about it I did like, though, was that it was a chance to have a break,” he continued. “All the shit in the real world that had fucked me up couldn’t touch me, in there. And they kept you busy every day, made sure you got out of bed and did shit, so you weren’t left alone with your thoughts.”
 
“I can see how that would be good,” his boyfriend replied. “I think it would be good for my mum. I think maybe she needs that.”
 
“Yeah,” said Even, “I think you might be right.”
 
It was this time last year, he realised in surprise, that he was still in the hospital. Just figuring out that he was bipolar, and what that was going to mean. If he thought about it more, though, it was much earlier than that when everything began. An average autumn morning, with a movie, and a joint, and a boy. A boy who had once meant the world to him, but who had now become a total stranger.
 
***

Saturday, 21 March, 2015

11:19

As the ending credits to ‘Antichrist’ appeared on the laptop screen, Mikael reached over and slammed it closed. “Okay, what the fuck did you just make me watch?”
 
Even leaned back on the couch and laughed. His best friend didn’t seem to find it as amusing as he did. He sighed and rubbed his forehead, then pushed back some of his long brown hair.
 
“Even, I’m serious! That movie was fucked. It’s going to be weeks before I can get that out of my head.”
 
“I thought you’d like it!” he protested. “You’re always saying that you don’t think contemporary horror pushes the boundaries of what film can do, anymore.”
 
“It’s 11am! We didn’t get home until four in the morning, we’re hungover as shit, and this is what you decide to put on?” Mikael shook his head in disbelief. “Fuck it, I need a joint.”
 
Even was still grinning, as he watched him roll one in the windowsill. He was wearing a pair of Even’s sweatpants and the same shirt from last night, that smelt faintly of beer. There was chipped, black nail polish on his calloused fingers.
 
“At least Lars Von Trier is true to his own artistic vision,” Even argued, thinking out loud. “There’s no apology, no hints of some terrified studio executive trying to whitewash what he’s created. It’s supposed to make you uncomfortable. It’s supposed to try and make you see things in a different way.”
 
Mikael surveyed him with unblinking, almond eyes. He turned his head and blew smoke out the window.
 
“The cinematography was beautiful,” he eventually conceded, with a tiny smile. “But I still think it’s fucked. Maybe don't try and show me art house movies when my head already feels like it’s about to explode.”
 
“Fine,” Even laughed, “what would you have watched instead?”
 
“I don’t know, maybe ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop’?”
 
“We are not watching ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop’,” Even retorted. He crossed the room and joined Mikael on the windowsill, taking the joint from him. “I don’t care how hungover you are.”
 
“What about ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2’? I hear that’s coming out soon.”
 
Even kicked him in the shins.
 
“Still think it’s a better choice,” Mikael smirked
 
“If you waste your time watching crap like that, you’re going to become a shitty director who makes shitty movies,” Even pointed out.
 
“Maybe I want to make shitty movies,” said Mikael. “Do you know how much money ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop’ probably made? If I come up with a genius idea like that, I’ll be set for life.”
 
“Okay fine, go ahead and make your shitty movies. Meanwhile, I’ll become a respected director who makes films with actual artistic merit.”
 
“Yeah, and you’ll be poor as shit, begging me for money.”
 
Even kicked him again. Mikael was still laughing at him when the phone in his pocket started ringing. His face fell as he checked the screen.
 
“Sonja,” he said despondently. He hesitated for a moment before rejecting the call.
 
Mikael rose an eyebrow at him. “Trouble in paradise?”
 
“No,” Even said irritably, “I just don’t feel like listening to one of her rants right now. I’ll call her back later.”
 
She didn’t want him to go out with the guys last night. He was drinking and smoking too much lately, she said, and it wasn’t good for him. Even knew that in a way, she had a point, but he wasn’t really interested in hearing it. Her concern came from a place of love and caring - he knew he was lucky to have a wonderful girl who cared that much - but recently, whenever they spoke, it ended in her nagging and Even just wanting to scream.
 
Mikael rested his head back on the windowsill, goofy expression changing to one of concern. “So you’re definitely staying together? Even after, you know…the break?”
 
‘The break’ had become a euphemism for Sonja going off and having sex with her coworker for most of the winter months. Even’s friends couldn’t understand why the hell he’d agreed to the arrangement in the first place, let alone why he’d agreed to get back together once the fling ended. He couldn’t really explain why, himself, but it just didn’t bother him that much. He knew that if he didn’t let her go, their relationship was bound to crumble. In truth he wasn’t sure he knew how to be on his own, without Sonja in his life at all. Better this, than risk losing her for good.
 
Besides, it wasn’t like he hadn’t taken full advantage of ‘the break’ himself. Sonja was the only person who knew about that, so far. He had no idea how to tell his best friend.
 
“Yeah,” he said, “we’re definitely staying together.”
 
Mikael frowned. “I don’t know, man. It’s your life. But if my girlfriend pulled a stunt like that, I don’t think I could forgive her.”
 
“Well, that’s the thing. You’d actually need to have a girlfriend to forgive first, Mikael.”
 
Now it was Mikael’s turn to kick him. “Why are you always such an asshole?”
 
Even brought the joint to his lips, laughing.
 
***

Monday, 24 August, 2015

08:55

“Even…Even, are you even listening to me?”
 
Even blinked, then stared down into his girlfriend’s angry hazel eyes. He realised he’d been walking along to school and nodding absently while she talked, without having any idea what she was saying. He could have been agreeing to God knows what.
 
“No, sorry,” he admitted to her, feeling a bit embarrassed. “I wasn’t listening at all.”
 
She pulled her hand out of his and folded her arms across her chest. Fuck, he’d done it now. She was going to guilt trip him for the rest of the day.
 
“I’m really sorry,” he pleaded with her, reaching to wrap an arm around her waist. She slithered out of his grasp. “I didn’t sleep much last night. Tell me again?”
 
If there was one thing Even was sure he was good at, it was laying on the charm, when he needed to. Sonja put up a good fight, scowling at him until finally her lips quivered and she broke out into a smile. She allowed him to put his arms around her properly, kissing him.
 
“Are you having trouble sleeping, again?” she asked, concerned.
 
It happened from time to time. He’d lie awake for hours on end, unable to quell the noise that filled his head. Too many ideas for one brain, his mother would joke, and ruffle his hair fondly. He’d been to a doctor to try some sleeping pills out, but it never really helped. They just made him feel sluggish and shit the next day, so he gave up.
 
“Not really,” he shrugged, as she took his hand again. “It was just a bad night. I’m fine. What were you saying to me, before?”
 
Sonja seemed entirely unconvinced, but thankfully she didn't push it. She gave him that scornful look she sometimes got when she thought he’d made a dumb decision.
 
“I was just saying that it might be fun to go on another double date with Elise and Eskild this weekend,” she said. “What do you think?”
 
She’d been organising a lot of double dates, lately. Even could understand why. They bickered a lot less whenever they had an audience.
 
“Yeah, sure,” he agreed quickly, then hesitated a second. “Wait, just as long as it’s not Friday night.”
 
“Why? What’s happening on Friday night?”
 
He cringed as he braced for what was to come. “Mutta was going to throw this house party…”
 
“Oh,” she answered casually, though he felt her hand tense in his.
 
“I’m sure you could come along, if you want,” Even added hastily.
 
“No, it’s fine,” Sonja said airily. “Your friends all hate me, so…”
 
Even sighed. He really didn’t want to get stuck in this conversation again. “They don’t hate you.”
 
“Yes, Even, they do,” she retorted. “I’m not stupid. I’ve noticed the way they stop talking as soon as I walk into a conversation. You don’t have to lie to me to spare my feelings.”
 
“Okay, fine,” he huffed. “They don’t like that you left me for a few months to have sex with someone else. It’s not their fault. They’re just being protective because they care about me.”
 
He’d really put his foot in it, now. Sonja let go of his hand again, whirling around to face him.
 
“Oh, they care about you, huh? Because you’re all such good friends?”
 
“Uh huh,” he said firmly, not liking where this was going at all.
 
“If they care about you so much, why don’t they say or do anything when you sit there, smoking and drinking yourself to death every other weekend?” she shouted. “Where were they when you couldn’t stop crying for a whole week over the summer, and didn’t want to get out of bed? Did they come by to check you were okay? No?”
 
“They didn’t know,” he answered her softly, staring at the ground.
 
“You know what? Fine. If you want to spend your free time sitting around and getting fucked up with your stupid friends, go for it. See if I care. I’m done.”
 
Sonja stared at him with narrowed eyes, grinding her teeth together. He could feel all the pent up anger and frustration reverberating off her.
 
“Maybe you should tell them all the truth about what you really got up to when we were broken up,” she seared. “Then see how many of them still want to be best buds with you.”
 
“Sonja,” he pleaded with her, as her words ripped him in two, “don’t…”
 
They had been together so long, now, that they really knew how to get under each other’s skin when it counted. They could target each other’s deepest insecurities in a fight, if they wanted, and it often turned ugly. His girlfriend knew exactly why he hadn’t told any of his friends about the two guys he’d slept with during their break. Knew that the fear of their rejection terrified him more than anything else in the world. Just thinking about it made his eyes sting.
 
Sonja’s expression softened as soon as she realised what she’d said. He could see the remorse and guilt painted plainly on her face.
 
“Oh my god, Even, I am so sorry. I don’t know why I said that, I…” she sniffed, trailing away, “…that was really uncalled for.”
 
“It’s fine,” he told her, attempting a smile.
 
“No really, that was just so shit of me to say. I didn’t mean it, you know that, right? I just lost my temper,” she stared down at the ground. “It’s just hard on me because your friends don’t really know the truth. And I can see why they’d think I’m some horrible, hideous hag, but I really want them to like me, because they’re important to you, and you’re important to me, so-”
 
“You’re important to me too,” he answered, taking her hand again. “I’ll tell them I’m bi eventually. I’m just…not ready yet, okay?”
 
“I really want this relationship to work,” she said. “I know we’ve had our problems lately, but we can work through them, can’t we? Because we love each other.”
 
“Yeah,” he gave her a warm smile, “we’ll be fine.”
 
They continued on towards the school, hand in hand.
 
“How about we do a pre-game at my place on Friday, and you invite Elise and Eskild?” Even suggested as a compromise. “I’ll invite Yousef, maybe, too.”
 
Yousef was the only friend of Even’s that Sonja really liked and got along with. To be fair, it was almost impossible for anyone not to like Yousef. He was the living, breathing definition of a ‘good guy’.
 
Sonja’s expression brightened. “Okay! Yeah, I like that idea. It’ll be good to hang out with Yousef again.”
 
They kissed each other goodbye at the school gate, then walked to their separate classes. Even had Media Studies first. He sat alone in the classroom, until he felt two muscular arms wrap around his middle, squeezing him.
 
“Buddyyy,” Mikael said excitedly in his ear, shaking him from side to side slightly, “first day of our last year as high schoolers. Are you stoked?”
 
Even laughed. Mikael could always cheer him up, better than anyone else. Some long, brown hair brushed softly against his cheek when his best friend hugged him. It smelt of apple shampoo. He wasn’t sure why, but he suddenly felt a little breathless.
 
“Clearly not as stoked as you,” he joked, trying to distract himself. “How high are you, actually?”
 
“So high. High on life,” Mikael grinned, letting go and dropping into the seat next to him. “This is it, man. This is going to be our year. The best year. I can feel it.”
 
His good mood was contagious. Even leaned back on his chair legs, fiddling with his pen, and waited for the lesson to begin.
 
***

Tuesday, 15 September, 2015

15:40

Mikael stood in the centre of the school stage, brandishing a cardboard roll that was meant to symbolise a rapier. He had taken off his jacket for rehearsals. Even watched the muscles in his arms tense, little ripples in olive skin. His brows were furrowed deep in concentration as he tried to remember his lines.
 
“Tybalt, the reason that I have to love thee doth much excuse the appertaining rage to such a greeting,” he recited. “Villain am I none; therefore farewell. I see thou know’st me not.”
 
He spun around on his heel and strode away, giving Even a little smirk as he did so. Even had to bite his lip so as not to laugh.
 
“Boy! This shall not excuse the injuries that thou hast done me,” Thomas, the second year student playing Tybalt, exclaimed. “Therefore turn and draw!”
 
“Overacting much?” Even whispered to Mikael next to him. His best friend snorted.
 
The drama teacher sighed. “Even and Mikael, can you focus, please? Don’t break character.”
 
“Sorry, Miss,” Mikael gave her his most charming smile, causing her roll her eyes. He strutted back towards Thomas/Tybalt. “I do protest I never injured thee, but love thee better than thou canst devise. Till thou shalt know the reason of my love: And so, good Capulet - which name I tender as dealer as my own - be satisfied.”
 
He placed a hand on Thomas/Tybalt’s shoulder, and Even beamed with pride. Mikael had been the right choice for the lead. He was nailing it.
 
The teacher coughed and looked at Even pointedly. “Mercutio, that’s your queue.”
 
Oh. Right. He hurriedly stepped forward.
 
“O calm, dishonourable, vile submission! Alla stoccata carries it away!”
 
He heard Sonja giggle from where she was watching him in the seats, along with other cast members who weren’t in this scene. He grinned back at her.
 
“Even!” the exasperated teacher cried out. “Focus!”
 
“Sorry!”
 
He returned his attention to Thomas/Tybalt. “Tybalt, you rat-catcher, will you walk?”
 
“What wouldst thou have with me?”
 
There was something about that line that seemed explicitly funny to Even. He raised his eyebrows at the other boy suggestively, over-exaggerating as much as possible.
 
“What wouldst thou have with me?”
 
Thomas/Tybalt immediately became uncomfortable. He took a slight step backwards, frowning. “Ugh, what the fuck? Are you hitting on me, Even? Are you gay or something?”
 
“Even’s not gay,” Mikael said hastily, “he’s got a girlfriend.”
 
Even glanced over at Sonja again, who was eyeing him strangely.
 
“It was a joke,” he said quietly.
 
“He was trying to come onto me. He’s gay.”
 
“Fuck off, Thomas,” Mikael said bitterly. “My best friend is not gay.”
 
“I don’t give a damn who is gay,” the teacher interrupted. “Finish your lines, boys. Today, if possible.”
 
Even took a deep breath, adrenaline pumping through his body. When he said his next lines, it was with more force and anger than he’d imagined he possessed.
 
“Good King of Cats, nothing but one of your nine lives; that I mean to make bold withal, and as you shall use me hereafter, drybeat the rest of the eight. Will you pluck your sword out of the pilcher by the ears? Make hast, lest mine be about your ears, ere it be out.”
 
“Nice delivery, Even,” the teacher nodded approvingly.
 
Thomas/Tybalt gritted his teeth. “I am for you!”
 
They finished the bit, and fake fought with the cardboard rolls until Even was fake stabbed in the side. He clutched at his stomach, pretending to groan.
 
“What, thou art hurt?” the actor who was playing Benvolio asked.
 
Even waved him away. “Ay, ay, a scratch, a scratch; marry, ’tis enough. Where is my page? Go, villain, fetch a surgeon.”
 
Mikael came up beside him, placing a hand on his shoulder, the other one over the fake wound on his side. He looked into his eyes tenderly.
 
“Courage, man,” he whispered, “the hurt cannot be much.”
 
He faltered for a moment as he took in the warm, kind smile on his friend’s face. Felt the pressure of his hand on his stomach. It was just acting, he told himself. Just acting.
 
“’Tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church door; but ’tis enough, ’twill serve. Ask for me tomorrow, and you shall find me a grave man. I am peppered, I warrant, for this world. A plague o’both your houses!”
 
“Good, Even,” he heard the teacher say. “Nice use of emotion.”
 
“‘Zounds, a dog, a rat, a mouse, a cat, to scratch a man to death! A braggart, a rouge, a villain, that fights by the book of arithmetic! Why the devil came you between us? I was hurt under your arm.”
 
Mikael’s brown eyes were wide and glassy. “I thought all for the best.”
 
Even was smiling, but he wasn’t sure why. He felt no mirth. He felt nothing. He had gone numb.
 
***

Friday, 2 October, 2015

23:48

“I think I’m going to try and hook up with Juliet,” Mikael announced, as though the decision had required a lot of deliberation. He stared across the party at his co-star from the school play, a third year girl named Claire. She tossed her long red hair and giggled with her friends at the same time.
 
“You think so?” Even asked, managing a wan smile.
 
“Yeah,” Mikael nodded seriously, “I think I’m going to do it. She’s into me, I can tell.”
 
Elias grinned on Mikael’s other side. “Are you sure she’s into you? Are you sure she hasn’t been just, you know, acting?”
 
Mikael narrowed his eyes as Adam, Mutta and Yousef all laughed at him. “She’s into me. I’m sure. At least…I think I have a chance.”
 
His confidence was fading the more the other boys made fun of him. Even knew Mikael well enough to see the cracks in the facade. He played with his hair a lot when he was nervous, pushing it around either side of his head, just like he was doing now.
 
“Sure you do, Romeo,” Elias clamped his shoulder. “She’s seen you in your tights. How could she resist that?”
 
“Shut the fuck up, man,” Mikael laughed, pushing him away. He grabbed his beer and completely drained it, slamming it down on the counter. “Okay, I’m going in. I’m gonna do it.”
 
He picked up another beer, then walked determinedly over towards Claire. The other boys spluttered behind their hands, when he approached and started chatting to her. Even was the only one who didn’t laugh. Somehow, he just couldn’t find it that amusing.
 
“Oh shit, she’s actually talking to him,” Adam smirked. “Maybe I should have gone in the school play.”
 
“It was the tights, I’m telling you guys,” Elias said smugly.
 
Claire’s circle of friends slowly dissolved away, leaving her and Mikael alone. She giggled and tossed her hair around some more. Even tried not to notice them, looking around for Sonja instead. His girlfriend was off in the far corner of the room with Elise, absorbed in an intense conversation. It didn’t look like the sort of thing one could easily interrupt. He finished off the beer he was holding instead. Grabbed another one and drank half of that too.
 
“What do you think they’re saying to each other?” asked Mutta. He lowered his voice comically, in an impression of Mikael. “‘Hey Juliet, if you're not doing anything tonight, maybe we could, like, braid each other’s hair and do our nails, or something’?”
 
“Cut him some slack, would you?” Yousef said with a grin. He was the only one not drinking or smoking anything, as usual.
 
“Fuck, she just went in for the unnecessary arm touch,” Adam said. Even really wished he’d stop with the running commentary. He downed the rest of his second beer. Picked up another one.
 
“Whoa, Even, don’t you want to take it easy there?” Elias asked, half-jokingly.
 
Even rose an eyebrow at his friend, still holding the beer bottle to his lips. He got enough of that kind of shit from his girlfriend. Now he was going to get it from his friends, too?
 
“It’s a party, isn’t it?”
 
A flicker of a strange look passed over Elias’ face, but he shrugged it off just as quickly. His friends forgot about Mikael and started talking about something else, but Even found he could barely concentrate. He drank another beer. Then another. They had gone slightly warm, sitting on the side table they had all gathered around at the house. It was starting to make him feel sick.
 
“I’m going outside,” he told no one in particular. He felt in his pocket to make sure the joints he’d rolled earlier were still there, before heading towards the back door. He staggered a little bit on the way, knocking into the wall on his way towards the door. It didn’t hurt, though. He was probably fine.
 
He looked around the yard to make sure Sonja wasn’t nearby and likely to catch him, but the garden was mostly empty. Just a small group of people sitting together on the lawn, and a couple making out over near the bushes. He found a secluded spot around the side of the house and lit up. The first drag had an instant calming effect on him. It made him feel centred, for about a second, before the world started spinning and he felt like he was floating. Falling.
 
He didn’t want to feel this way. He didn’t want to feel anything, anymore.
 
He finished the joint and threw what was left of it on the ground. He tried to stab it out with is toe, but it took him a few attempts to get it. The couple that had been making out near the bushes had disappeared by the time he came back around the corner, but they’d left half a bottle of vodka behind, hidden and forgotten. He picked it up and took a swig. Another. One more for good luck.
 
“Where the hell did you go?” Elias asked when he came back into the house. His face was slightly distorted, along with the bright lights and pounding music. It made Even giggle.
 
“Where’s Mikael?” he asked.
 
Elias got that little crease in the centre of his forehead, the way he always did when he was worried.
 
“What?”
 
“Mikael,” Even shouted for emphasis. Why was Elias looking at him like that?
 
“He’s still talking to that chick,” his friend said slowly. “Man, do you want to sit down for a second?”
 
Even tried to shake his head, but the movement made him feel woozy. He stepped around Elias, but ended up bumping into his chest instead.
 
“Relax, I got this,” he said firmly as he pushed past. Elias was still talking to him as he walked away, but he had no idea what he was saying.
 
Mikael was sitting on the couch next to Claire, reclining backwards and holding his head up with his arm as she told him something. He smiled and nodded along interestedly. Even made it over to them and dropped down clumsily on Mikael’s other side, startling them both.
 
“Romeo and Juliet!” he said happily. Because he should be happy for them. Really.
 
Mikael laughed, but it sounded awkward and forced. “Hey buddy, what’s up?”
 
“These violent delights have violent ends.”
 
“Huh?” Claire coaxed her head to the side, confusedly.
 
“It’s from the play,” Even answered frustratedly. “These violent delights have violent ends. And in their triumph die, like fire and powder. Which, as they kiss, consume.”
 
“Oh, okay,” Claire giggled. “I only know my lines, really, so…”
 
“It’s one of the most important parts,” he argued. “It means that the most sudden, most intense passions are doomed to end in tragedy.”
 
“That’s interesting,” she replied. She didn’t sound interested at all.
 
“Even, are you feeling okay, man?” Mikael asked quietly. “Do you want me to go find Sonja?”
 
“No!” Even said hastily. “I can quote something else if you like. ‘I wish I had a bat. I would bust you open, see how much candy fell out.’.”
 
“What!?” Claire gaped at him.
 
“It’s ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop’. That’s Mikael’s favourite movie.”
 
Mikael looked extremely embarrassed. “No, it isn’t.”
 
“Yes, it is! Well, I think he said that when he was high, but Mikael is always high, so you just have to take him at face value.”
 
Claire’s eyes nervously darted around the room. “You know what, I think I’m going to try and find my friends.”
 
“Really?” Mikael’s head turned towards her. “I mean, don’t…”
 
“No, it’s fine, Mikael,” she gave him an empty smile. “I’ll see you at school, okay?”
 
Mikael’s mouth was open, about to protest, when she got up and walked away.
 
“Parting is such sweet sorrow,” Even grinned, leaning back into the couch.
 
His best friend turned to face him, aghast. “What the fuck, Even?”
 
“What?”
 
“What do you mean, what?” Mikael practically spat at him. “You totally fucked that up for me!”
 
What the hell was his problem? It wasn’t Even’s fault that Claire was as dull as a post, and had zero sense of humour. He had no idea what Mikael saw in her.
 
“I didn’t fuck it up. It never would have worked,” he argued. “‘Romeo and Juliet’ ends in tragedy. Everyone knows that.”
 
There was that look again. The same one Elias had given him moments before. Moments before. Was it moments before? It felt like years ago, now.
 
“You’re wasted,” Mikael declared. “I’m going to find Sonja so she can take you home.”
 
Even groaned. He closed his eyes, and saw tiny white dots swimming across the black behind his eyelids. “She’s going to be so pissed.”
 
“Yeah, well, I’m fucking pissed at you too.”
 
He opened his eyes again, and saw that Mikael was serious. No. No, this was wrong. This wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted…
 
“Sorry,” he mumbled, trying to focus his blurred vision on his hands. “You’re right. I fucked up. So…you can hate me.”
 
He heard Mikael sigh. “I could never hate you, you drunk asshole.”
 
He looked up hopefully. There was the faintest hint of a smile on his friend’s lips.
 
“But,” the other boy said, “I’m still getting Sonja.”
 
He got up before Even had the chance to get a single word in.
 
Fuck.
 
***

Tuesday, 20 October, 2015

15:56

Mikael took Claire’s hand in the centre of the stage.
 
“If I profane with my unworthiest hand…Fuck.”
 
He’d forgotten his lines again. That was Mikael’s problem, Even thought as he watched. He was a good actor, but he was just so damn lazy. Always had been. Not like Even. Even had stayed awake  most of the past week, reading and rereading the whole play. He knew it off by heart, now.
 
“This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this,” he called out from the seats.
 
“For the last time, Even,” the drama teacher said, “please stop interrupting. Mikael, if you can’t remember what you’re supposed to say, say ‘line’, would you? Not profanity.”
 
“Sorry, Miss,” Mikael blushed. He turned his attention back to his co-star. “If I profane with my unworthiest hand. This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this: My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand-”
 
“To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss!”
 
“Even!” the teacher, Mikael and Claire shouted at him at once. He laughed.
 
They were going so fucking slow. It was taking them forever to get the lines out, and he couldn't stand it. They shouldn’t be cooped up inside, rehearsing the same things over and over and over. It was a beautiful afternoon. They were young. He and Mikael should be out, enjoying their last year of high school, together.
 
Claire huffed loudly. Such a bitch. Even was so sick of her. She took hold of Mikael’s other hand.
 
“Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much. Which mannerly devotion shows-”
 
“Shows in this! For saints have hands that pilgrims’ hands do touch. And palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.”
 
“Fucking hell, Even!” the teacher shouted. She didn’t even seem to realise she’d just sworn at a student. “If you can’t keep your mouth shut, you’re going to have to go home for the rest of the afternoon.”
 
He laughed at her. He didn’t want to go home. He just wanted them to hurry up so he and Mikael could hang out. They could go see some trashy movie - the kind that Mikael liked. They would smoke weed, and he would whisper comments about the film to Mikael under his breath and Mikael would grin and call him pretentious. Just like the good old days.
 
“I’m not joking, Even,” the teacher continued. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, but if you want to keep one of the lead roles in the play, it better stop. Now. Go home and get some rest, and be back here next week ready to start fresh.”
 
He waited outside the school theatre, but Mikael was taking forever. Why did they have to be so slow? He paced back and forth. He wished Sonja wasn’t home sick today. They could have sex in the school toilets again, like they’d done on Monday, to pass the time. He remembered the look of total surprise on her face when he’d dragged her into the empty bathroom and pushed her up against the wall.
 
When his best friend finally emerged from rehearsal, he didn’t look as happy to see him as Even would have hoped.
 
“Even, what the hell, man?” Mikael said to him in a low voice. “You’re really pushing it, you know that? If you keep pissing off the teachers, you’re going to end up getting suspended.”
 
“That’s fine,” he said brightly. “Let’s get suspended. Free week off school. We’ll go travel. Denmark, maybe. I know how much you love Lars Von Trier.”
 
Mikael’s eyes were wide and confused.
 
“I’m worried about you,” he said slowly.
 
That was the most ridiculous thing Even had heard in his life. Worried about him? Why? He was great. He had so many ideas, lately. Felt more creative than he ever had before. Life was good.
 
“If not Denmark, maybe we can go somewhere else,” he suggested. “How about somewhere in Africa? Egypt? Morocco? I’ve always wanted to go to Morocco. Ever since I saw ‘Casablanca’.”
 
“Just listen to me, okay?” Mikael said in exasperation. “I spoke to Sonja. She said you get a bit depressed, sometimes. And like, you have trouble sleeping.”
 
“I’m not depressed!” Even laughed. “Do I seem like a depressed person, to you?”
 
Mikael looked down at the floor. “You’re acting crazy.”
 
Crazy? Mikael was so despondent, and sad. God, he didn’t want his best friend to be sad. That was the last thing he’d ever want.
 
“I’ll fix it,” he said firmly. “I can do whatever you want. Just tell me what to do. Seriously. Whatever it takes.”
 
“I don’t know, man,” Mikael said in a strained voice. “I have no idea what the fuck is going on.”
 
***

Saturday, 24 October, 2015

00:47

Even stood out the front of Mikael’s apartment block. The Øverlie Boukhal family lived close to the ground floor, and often kept their living room window wide open, so it was easy for Mikael to hear him. Even had been texting him the lines to ‘Romeo and Juliet’, one by one. Maybe it would help his best friend to remember them. But he hadn’t replied to say thank you, yet. Even thought he should check on him. Make sure he was okay.
 
“Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?” he shouted at the window.
 
He could hear some commotion inside, but couldn’t make the words out. It sounded like Mikael’s parents arguing.
 
“Deny thy father and refuse thy name. Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I’ll no longer be a Capulet.”
 
“Shut up, lover boy!” someone else shouted from another window. “Some of us are trying to sleep!”
 
The door to the apartment block opened, and Mikael appeared on the front steps. He was dressed in his pyjamas, a pair of untied boots pulled on over his feet.
 
“Even, what the fuck are you doing?” he shouted, marching towards him. “You woke up my parents, and my little brother. They’re so fucking pissed off. Not to mention the neighbours.”
 
“Did you get my texts?” he asked.
 
“I’m warning you!” the same neighbour yelled. “Shut up, or we’re calling the police.”
 
“Go the fuck home, okay?” Mikael said anxiously, shaking his head. “I am in so much fucking trouble.”
 
Even grabbed Mikael’s arm. “I’m not going home, until I tell you something important.”
 
“Fine,” the other boy cried in frustration. “If you tell me, do you promise to go home straight after?”
 
“Yes!”
 
“Okay, then. What is it?”
 
He pulled Mikael towards him, placed a hand on his cheek, and kissed him squarely on the lips. He smelt aftershave, and apple shampoo, and toothpaste. His best friend made a strange, startled sound, against his lips. Pushed back against him immediately, roughly, until he finally wrangled himself free. A hand reached up to wipe his mouth. He spat onto the ground.
 
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he shouted, horrified.
 
“Shut. UP!” a different neighbour called out this time. “Fucking fags.”
 
“We’re not fags,” Mikael yelled back.
 
“Mikael, I’ve worked it all out, now,” Even said happily. “The reason why I used to be so depressed, and sad. But I’m not anymore. I’m leaving Sonja. I’m going to tell her, but I wanted to tell you first. Everything’s chill. We can be together, every day, from now on. And we can go to Denmark, and Morocco, and anywhere else you want to go. Tomorrow, even. I can buy us plane tickets. I have my dad’s credit card. We’ll leave first thing.”
 
“Wait, what? Slow down. We’ll…we’ll be together?” Mikael blinked at him, shocked. “Are you…Even, are you actually gay? Are you in love with me?”
 
“No! I mean, no, I’m not gay. I’m bisexual. Actually, I think I might be pansexual? I was reading about it on the internet, last night. Couldn’t sleep. But, anyway, no! I’m not in love with you. Or…maybe, I’m actually not sure,” Even laughed. “Doesn’t matter, though, does it? I’m not into labels. What is love, anyway? It’s just a sweeping generalisation for a million different feelings.”
 
Mikael said nothing. Just stared at him. Stared and stared. Even didn’t understand.
 
“Let’s go to the airport,” he said. He reached for Mikael’s hand, but his best friend recoiled from him. “We’ll catch the very first flight. Who cares where it goes?”
 
He reached for him again. This time, Mikael shoved him backwards.
 
“Even, you know I’m Muslim, right?”
 
“So?” he laughed again. “What has that got to do with anything?”
 
“Everything,” the other boy said. “What you’re telling me right now…it’s against everything I believe in. Everything my family brought me up to believe.”
 
For the first time since the conversation began, Even faltered a little. “I don’t get it.”
 
Mikael frowned at him. “Homosexuality is against Islam. It says so in the Qur’an.”
 
Even could feel his heart pounding in his chest. This was so strange! It didn’t make any sense. Mikael hardly ever spoke about religion. He complained about having to fast during Ramadan, and having to go to mosque on Friday, but that was it. Why was it suddenly so important to him now?
 
“But you drink and smoke and try to hook up with random girls at parties,” he argued. “Isn’t that against Islam too?”
 
“Everyone does that stuff,” said Mikael. “All the guys at our mosque party, when they’re our age.”
 
“Not all of them,” Even said quickly. He wasn’t sure what point he was trying to make, here. “What about Yousef?”
 
“Fine, not all of them, but most. Then they grow up. They get married - to girls - and they settle down. And everyone turns a blind eye to it. But what you’re talking about…that’s different. You can’t just…you can’t!”
 
Mikael seemed lost for words. Even didn’t understand at all. Why was it so different? Why was it such a big deal? He was angry, and hurt, and ashamed. He shouldn’t have kissed Mikael. He had ruined everything.
 
His best friend pushed some of his hair back, and sighed. “Look, Even, you need to give me some fucking space, okay?”
 
This was everything he had ever feared, all coming real at once.
 
“What do you mean?”
 
“I don’t know! You just laid this huge bombshell on me, and now I’m not sure if we can still hang out. I need to think about things,” he looked into Even’s eyes. “I need you to stay away from me.”
 
“Mikael…”
 
“I mean it, Even. Don’t text me random shit anymore. Don’t come over here. If you see me at school, don’t say hi. Just leave me alone,” he turned and began walking back towards the apartment. “Go home. Go see your girlfriend. You need to figure your shit out.”
 
“Mikael!”
 
The apartment block door slammed behind him as it closed.
 
***

Tuesday, 10 November, 2015

16:01

Even staggered into the school theatre, knocking over a light fixture someone had been working on at the same time. He laughed to himself.
 
“What light through yonder window breaks?”
 
The drama teacher was speaking to the cast members on the stage. They all looked at him. The teacher, Sonja, Mikael, Claire, Thomas/Tybalt, and the others. He hated the way people looked at him, now. It made him hear Mikael’s voice in his head. You’re acting crazy.
 
“Even Bech Næsheim, where have you been?” the teacher demanded. “You missed two weeks of rehearsals, not to mention your normal classes.”
 
He tried to walk towards them, but he ended up tripping over his own feet, falling into one of the chairs. Sonja rushed off the stage to help. He brushed her away, roughly.
 
“Even…” she whispered to him. There were tears in her eyes.
 
“Even, are you drunk?” the teacher exclaimed, aghast. “Are you drunk on school grounds?”
 
“I’ll take him home, Miss,” Sonja called out hastily, not taking her eyes off him for a second.
 
The drama teacher frowned with concern. She made her way over to him, calling over her shoulder as she went. “Rehearsals are over for the rest of the day. You can all go home!”
 
“Even,” she continued softly when she reached him, “I’m going to have to call your parents.”
 
“No,” he shook his head, and the world around him spun in circles.
 
None of the other students had tried to go home. Soft murmurs passed between them, along with furtive glances. Mikael was the only one not participating, watching Even with his lips parted slightly, eyes wide and pained. It was like he was frozen.
 
Sonja took hold of his hand.
 
“Even,” she choked, “what’s happening to you?”
 
***

Friday, 13 November, 2015

21:38

He could hear his parents talking in hushed whispers through his bedroom door.
 
“I went through his room today,” Lise said. He’d never heard her talk like that before. Like she was lost. “I found three half finished bottles of vodka, stashed in different hiding places. Really hidden, Petter. As if he’s an alcoholic.”
 
His father sighed heavily, defeated. “How didn’t we notice anything was wrong? I thought he was fine. I thought he was happy. A little bit hyper, maybe, but happy. Then the school calls and says he hasn’t been going to classes. That he showed up drunk to his rehearsals. Now this…”
 
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to do,” his mother sobbed. There was a short silence before she spoke again. “Something’s not right. We have to take him to see a doctor.”
 
Even imagined his father, holding his mother in his arms. Trying to be strong for her. “I’ll make an appointment first thing in the morning.”
 
“There’s something else,” his mother sniffed. “When I went through his room…I found a copy of the Qur’an. He’d gone through it and highlighted every single verse that refers to homosexuality.”
 
“What?” Petter exploded. “Why would he do that?”
 
“I don’t know! I don’t know anything!”
 
She’d started crying again. Even couldn’t take this anymore. He put his headphones in. Started listening to ‘Illmatic’, but it couldn’t quell the racing thoughts in his head. He paced around the bedroom in a circle at the same time.
 
An hour passed, and he heard his parents going to bed. He waited another hour for good measure, then grabbed his wallet, phone and keys. His mother had taken most of his emergency alcohol, but luckily she didn’t know about the flask he’d stashed in his school sports bag. It was the one his aunt and uncle had bought for his birthday, a few months back. There was an engraving in the side.

To our favourite (and only!) nephew and cousin on his 18th birthday. We are so proud of you now and always! With love from Elina, Henry, Finn and Erik xx

It made him hesitate for a moment, before he took a swig from it. He crept out of the house and made his way down the street. He was still on the school revue Facebook page. There was a party happening tonight at Claire’s house. All the boys would be there. Mikael would be there.
 
He had to talk to his best friend. Had to tell him that he understood now. He’d read all the passages. Knew them off by heart, just like he’d done with ‘Romeo and Juliet’. He wasn’t going to be gay anymore. They could be friends again. He was going to be good.
 
Claire’s front yard was packed with happy, drunk people. See, Mum? he felt like saying. Everybody drinks. No reason to freak out. Claire was standing near the front door, sipping a vodka cruiser and talking with Thomas/Tybalt.
 
“Uh, no, I don’t think so,” she said bluntly, eyeing him up and down.
 
Even gritted his teeth. “I need to talk to Mikael.”
 
“Last I heard, Mikael doesn’t want anything to do with you, anymore,” Thomas/Tybalt sneered. “What was with all that crap you posted on the school revue page, anyway? Are you converting to Islam now?”
 
“He’s always doing random stuff,” Claire shrugged. “I spoke to the drama teacher. He got suspended for drinking at school and skipping too many classes. They need to find someone else to play Mercutio, now. It’s going to take ages for them to learn the lines. The school play is fucked.”
 
“Great. Thanks for that,” Thomas/Tybalt rolled his eyes.
 
Even had stopped paying attention to them. He was craning his neck inside the house, searching for a sign of Mikael. Maybe if he walked by, Even could get him to come over. He could tell him, and then it would all be fine.
 
“Anyway, you heard the lady,” Thomas/Tybalt said. “Get out of here, man. You’re not invited.”
 
At that moment, Yousef happened to walk out from a room and into the corridor. He did a double take when he saw Even standing at the door, froze for about a second, then headed straight for him.
 
“Even?” he asked in disbelief.
 
“Yousef,” Even replied sombrely, “I need to talk to Mikael. Is he in there?”
 
Yousef hesitated, glancing over his shoulder into the house. “No.”
 
He was the worst liar. Too damn nice and sweet for his own good.
 
“Seriously, Even, you need to go,” Claire said pointedly. “You’re a psycho.”
 
Yousef narrowed his eyes at her. “You know what? I’ll go too.”
 
Claire laughed. “I didn’t mean you, Yousef. You’re fine.”
 
“Yeah, but this party sucks,” the other boy pushed passed her, “and I’d rather hang out with my bro. So, see you.”
 
Even, Claire and Thomas/Tybalt were all equally baffled, when Yousef put a hand on Even’s shoulder and steered them away. They were walking back in the direction of his apartment before Even really knew what was going on.
 
“I have to see Mikael,” he told Yousef again. “I have to tell him that I’ve fixed it.”
 
Yousef didn’t say anything. They walked along in silence, side-by-side, Even occasionally staggering and Yousef supporting him with his arm.
 
“He hates me, doesn’t he?” Even asked after a while. He could tell from the look on Yousef’s face that he didn’t need to specify who he meant.
 
“He doesn’t hate you,” his friend said. “I think he’s just…confused.”
 
“Did he tell you what happened?”
 
Yousef looked straight ahead. “He told me some stuff.”
 
“What about the others?”
 
“No,” he said earnestly. “I don’t think anyone else knows.”
 
Even’s heart sank. “What about you, Yousef? Do you hate me?”
 
“I don’t hate you, Even,” Yousef answered, brown eyes warm and sincere.
 
“Do you think I’m going to hell? Do you think what I did was wrong? Against Islam?”
 
His friend seemed unsure of how to answer. There was sadness reverberating off him.
 
“I think that hating other people is wrong,” he eventually said. “For any reason.”
 
Even laughed wryly. “Yousef…you’re so…good.”
 
He staggered again, and this time Yousef wasn’t fast enough to catch him. He ended up with his head in the gutter, staring up at the night sky. The stars danced in front of his blurred vision. They looked like they were fading away.
 
***

Sunday, 15 November, 2015

11:49

There was a soft knock on his bedroom door. Even didn’t bother to lift his head off the pillow.
 
“Honey?” his mother’s anxious voice echoed, as the door creaked open. “Do you…do you want to get out of bed?”
 
He didn’t answer her, pulling the blankets up to cover his face. He heard her footsteps on the wooden floor, before he sensed her standing in front of him. Her hand caressed the top of his hair softly.
 
“Yousef and Elias are here,” she told him. “They wanted to see how you’re doing. They said they tried to call, but you wouldn’t answer.”
 
Everything felt so heavy. The weight of his hands and feet. His head, and heart. He didn’t want them to see him like this. Didn’t want to see that look. The one he knew so well, now.
 
“Tell them to fuck off,” he managed to get the words out.
 
The hand stroking his hair froze, and he felt his mother stiffen. She waited a few seconds, before he heard her sniff. The sound of her footsteps followed, then the door closed.
 
***

?????

??:??

It was all so strange and surreal. As he slowly regained consciousness, he began to notice the pain in his stomach. The dry, scratchiness of his throat. A cold, tingling sensation in his arm. Where was he?
 
Something was beeping just above his head. He opened his eyes and saw white swimming in front of him. There was something stuck on the wall directly in front of where he was lying. It took a few seconds for him to be able to read it.

Alt er love.

“He’s awake,” he heard his father’s voice from somewhere nearby.
 
His parents were on either side of his bed in an instant. They each took one of his hands in theirs. He looked down at his arm, where the coldness had been coming from. Saw the IV drip.
 
“My baby boy,” his mother smiled, as she choked back her sobs. “We thought we’d lost you.”
 
Then he remembered what he’d done.
 
***

Thursday, 21 January, 2016

14:11

“Tell me why you’re here,” the man named Kåre said, leaning back in his chair.
 
The four walls around him were claustrophobic. The whole damn hospital was. He’d been here for weeks, and so far, there was no end in sight.
 
“You tell me,” he said bitterly. “You’re the therapist, aren’t you? Isn’t it your job to work out why I’m a psycho?”
 
Kåre was in no hurry to answer him. He sat there, scrutinising him, hands folded calmly in his lap. He wasn’t much like the other therapists Even had tried so far. He wasn’t going to go easy on him, he could tell already.
 
“You’re not a psycho, Even,” the man answered. “You have bipolar mood disorder.”
 
They had a word for it, now. The psychiatrist had assessed him, taken him through all sorts of tests he didn’t fully understand the meaning of, before finally coming up with a diagnosis. Had given him a little white bottle full of pills that made him queasy and tired whenever he took them. He hated those pills. Hated this place. Hated his life.
 
“We’re not going to get anywhere, you know, if you don’t at least try and give me a little,” Kåre said.
 
“What’s the point?” Even asked in frustration. “Bipolar is incurable, isn’t it? Which means I’m stuck like this for the rest of my life. Unless medical science makes some kind of breakthrough during my lifetime, and everyone knows there’s a small chance in hell of that happening. So why even bother going to therapy?”
 
Kåre leant his head on one hand. His steady gaze didn’t falter for a single second. It wasn’t like the looks Even was used to, though. It wasn’t fear, or a morbid sense of curiosity or intrigue. It was just…observant. Open. Waiting.
 
“The point of therapy isn’t to cure your illness,” he said slowly. “The point is to get you to confront it. To understand it. To learn how to live with it.”
 
Even sighed heavily. “I guess I don’t have much of a choice, do I?”
 
“You do have a choice,” Kåre answered. “We always have a choice. This is your life. But remember…you’re only going to get what you decide to give.”
 
Could he have a normal life? It seemed like a pipe dream, at this point.
 
“What do you want out of life, Even?” Kåre asked.
 
Even considered this quietly.
 
“I don’t want to die, anymore,” he said, surprised by how much he meant it. “But…I don’t really know what I want, from here. I used to know. I used to want to graduate, study film, travel around the world. Meet interesting people. Make art.”
 
With Mikael, he added privately. He’d wanted to do all those things with Mikael.
 
“Is the issue that you don’t want those things anymore?” asked Kåre. “Or that you don’t think you can have them?”
 
He shrugged. He thought about the friends and classmates, who would graduate without him, in six months’ time. He thought about Sonja, and his parents, who came to see him in the hospital and put on such brave faces, even though he could tell they were crumbling inside.
 
“I don’t know if I deserve them,” he admitted. “Something happened, and I don’t know if I’m a good person, anymore.”
 
“What happened?”
 
He didn’t know where to begin. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to talk about it, just yet. He hadn’t told anymore the fully story, though he guessed Sonja and his parents could have put some of the bits and pieces together. In truth, he was so confused about it all. The feelings he had for Mikael were muddled together in one big, heaping mess. They seemed distant from him. Why had he done all those strange things?
 
“Kåre,” he asked softly, “do you know what love is? Because I’m not really sure I do, anymore.”
 
“Are you talking about this in reference anyone in particular?”
 
“Not really,” he answered. It was half-true. “Just want to know. You’re a therapist. You probably have insights.”
 
Kåre chuckled. “Well, I think love means different things to different people. I’ve been married to my husband for seven years - together with him for twenty-six - and I’m still not fully sure how it works.”
 
Even’s eyes snapped up. “Your husband?”
 
“Yes,” Kåre answered calmly. “But this session isn’t about me.”
 
Maybe this guy wasn’t so bad. Maybe he could understand.
 
“My mum says that everything is love.”
 
“In a way,” Kåre smiled, “maybe it is.”
 
He liked thinking about it that way, he decided.
 
“Who do you think you might be in love with, Even?”
 
Even took a deep breath. And then he told him.
 
***

Sunday, 22 January, 2017

17:05

Lise was sitting at the living room table, typing something out on her laptop, when Even got home. She grinned up at him, deft fingers still moving across the keyboard.
 
“Hey, sweetheart,” she said. “Your father’s just gone out to do some grocery shopping. He’ll be back soon.”
 
“Cool,” he smiled, and dropped into the seat opposite her.
 
She finished her typing, eyes darting back and forth as she skimmed over it quickly. She sighed and closed the laptop lid.
 
“How was your weekend? How’s Isak?”
 
“Good, and good,” he answered. “I think he’s feeling okay, about everything.”
 
“It’s going to be rough,” his mother said honestly. “I’m glad he has you.”
 
There was a time when Even wasn’t sure if anyone would be glad to have him in their lives. It made him feel good, to hear that.
 
“What about you guys? How was your weekend?”
 
“Pretty uneventful,” Lise shrugged. “I’m thinking about cleaning out the study. Making it into a proper home office. There’s just so much crap in there. Looking at it now, it feels a bit overwhelming.”
 
He laughed. “Yeah. I know that feeling.”
 
She picked up her phone. Started scrolling through her Facebook newsfeed.
 
“Mum?” he asked quietly.
 
She didn’t look up. “Yes, honey?”
 
“With Isak’s mum going to hospital…lately, it’s made me think about things,” he told her. “Things about when I was there, this time last year.”
 
“What kind of things?” she questioned warily, putting the phone aside again.
 
“I’m fine, really,” he replied quickly. “Just, you know, with hindsight it’s so much easier to see everything more clearly, I suppose. Knowing all the things I did wrong. That I should have done better.”
 
“Even,” his mother sighed, “there was so much we didn’t know or understand, back then.”
 
“Of course. But there’s one thing I never did. Something I can hopefully do for you, now. Something that maybe Isak’s mum can do for him, some day.”
 
“And what’s that?”
 
He gave her a tiny, sad smile. “I never asked you or Dad how you felt, about what happened with me. About how you coped. I want to give you that chance.”
 
Lise’s eyes clouded over slightly with emotion. “Oh, Even…you don’t…that’s not your responsibility.”
 
“But I’m okay, now,” he said. “It’s been a year since the hospital. And since I came home, we’ve never spoken about it. Not once. Not really. I think it might be good for all of us to talk about it, from time to time. Even if it’s hard. Even if it hurts. I don’t want it to become this thing that hangs over our head, forever, like a big family secret. Like it’s something to be ashamed of.”
 
A single tear escaped and fell down her cheek. She sniffed and wiped it away.
 
“Tell me something about that time,” he begged her. “About what it was like for you.”
 
He wasn’t used to seeing her like this. So exposed in her feelings, rather than trying to hide them from him. She gave a nervous laugh.
 
“I remember how much I loved you.”
 
He crossed the room and sat down next to her. Looked her directly in the eye.
 
“I know you love me,” he smiled at her. “Tell me something else. I can handle it. Really.”
 
The tears were starting to fall more rapidly. She forgot to brush them away. Her shoulders trembled slightly as she shrunk into herself.
 
“When we found you…after we took you to the hospital, and they pumped your stomach,” her voice hitched, and she took a moment to compose herself again, “…when they pumped your stomach, the doctors told us they were fairly certain that we’d gotten you to them in time. That you were going to be fine. But…there was a slight chance we were too late. That you wouldn’t make it. That you might d-die.”
 
He’d never been told that, before.
 
“I remember sitting there, listening to the doctor talk,” she said, “assuring me that it was highly unlikely that would happen. But it was all I could think about. That I might have to sit there, next to your hospital bed. Watching you die. Not able to do anything.”
 
Even put his arm around her shoulders, and she crumpled against him. Strangled, choking sobs against his chest.
 
“You’re my only child,” he heard her say. “My little boy.”
 
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. A few of his own tears fell onto her hair. “Mum, I’m so sorry.”
 
They held each other, crying, for longer than Even really knew. And finally, when they couldn’t cry anymore, they both felt better.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Sunday, 22 January, 2017

12:25

Isak grimaced as he retrieved some off fish from the back of his mother’s fridge. He tried not to look at it as he threw it into the waiting garbage bag.
 
“You know what’s scary?” his little sister scowled as she watched. “I don’t even remember buying that.”
 
Isak shuddered, eyes scanning the now mostly empty shelves. All that was left was a half-empty bottle of mustard, the cheese Even and Lea had bought last week, a bag of onions, and a mysterious stain that could well have been anything. The meagre contents felt like a metaphor for his childhood. The thought made him want to laugh as much as it made him feel sorry for himself.
 
“I think you’re doing a great job, Lea,” Even smiled. “It can’t be easy, taking care of this huge house all by yourself.”
 
He had one hand buried inside the pantry, helping to sort through some of the clutter. Nobody had asked him to. He just saw that it needed to be done, and wordlessly set about the task. He was like that, Isak was realising, at least when it came to their relationship. He never really had to ask his boyfriend to do anything. He just knew.
 
A deep blush crept into Lea’s face. She averted her gaze. “Well…you and Isak are helping.”
 
Isak grabbed a sponge and began wiping down the shelves. The mysterious stain turned out to be much stickier and tougher than it looked.
 
“Hey Lea, I’m curious,” his boyfriend said after a time, “what was Isak like when he was younger?”
 
Oh. God. No.
 
His little sister grinned devilishly. “Pretty much the same as he is now. More or less. A few things have changed. Like, for instance, I don’t think he wants to be a rapper anymore.”
 
Even looked directly at Isak as he spluttered. “Oh really? I heard that his rapping skills are the best.”
 
“No,” Lea answered seriously, “he was terrible. I used to hear him practising in the bathroom all the time. So lame.”
 
“Lea!” Isak exclaimed, before lowering his voice sheepishly, “I wasn’t that bad.”
 
Even was grinning at him like an idiot.
 
“Then there was the time he wanted to be a pro skateboarder,” his sister continued, unfortunately for him. “That didn’t go very well, either. Although I think he only wanted to do that because it was Jonas’ dream.”
 
“Hey Lea,” he interrupted snidely, “remember when you used to have a crush on Jonas?”
 
She wasn’t the only one, he thought with a hint of embarrassment. But Even really didn’t need to know about that.
 
Lea’s eyes widened, horrified. “I did not.”
 
“Yes she did,” Isak told Even. “She used to write ‘L plus J’ in little hearts, all over her school books, when she was like, twelve.”
 
“That’s sweet,” Even laughed. “I can see why. Jonas is a good looking guy.”
 
“Whatever,” she mumbled. “At least I’m not as bad as Isak. You should hear him hitting on girls.”
 
Isak was aghast. “You never heard me hitting on girls.”
 
“Yes I did,” she smirked triumphantly. “The wall between our bedrooms isn’t that thick, you know. I’d hear you and Jonas talking to girls on Skype all the time when you were in middle school.”
 
Well, shit. Even was clearly loving this, listening intently to Lea and shooting Isak sly little looks, like it was the most amusing thing ever.
 
“What were some of his best pick up lines?” his boyfriend asked.
 
“It was always the same,” Lea rolled her eyes. “They’d say something mean about the girl first, then butter her up with a compliment afterwards. Isak’s compliment never changed. ‘Baby, you’re damn beautiful’. He’s not very original.”
 
Isak cringed. Even was so lucky he didn’t have any siblings, to remember all of his embarrassing and awkward moments over the years.
 
“Okay,” he sighed, “I’m taking the garbage outside.”
 
He could hear his boyfriend and sister laughing together as he left the house. At least they were getting along so well, he supposed. And it was about time they all had some laughter, anyway. It was a good distraction.
 
His mother hadn’t been able to get out of bed for church that morning. Actually, she hadn’t even been in bed to begin with. When he’d pushed open the door to her bedroom, he’d found her hiding underneath it, wrapped up in a blanket, eyes shining bright and wide through the darkness.
 
“They can’t get me,” she’d told Isak, “if they don’t know I’m here.”
 
She smelt bad, too. Like she hadn’t showered in days. Lea told him she had been refusing to eat any of the food she tried to bring her. It was getting worse. Almost as bad as it had been when his father left. Almost as bad as the time when he was much younger, when she’d tried to hurt herself.
 
That was what scared him most of all.
 
They were going to do it as soon as possible. As soon as Lise and Petter had found a hospital, that would be willing to take care of Marianne, so they could present her with all the information. He had called the number for the priest. It was meticulous, well orchestrated. Perfect.
 
The only problem was that when it came to his mother, Isak knew this rarely made a difference. He had hope, but he still knew that things could go wrong.
 
As he looked up at his childhood home, he found himself offering a small, silent prayer to a god he no longer believed in.
 
Please, he begged, eyes fixated on his mother’s window. Please.
 
***

16:04

Isak swallowed nervously as he opened the door to his bedroom. It swung back, and Even stepped inside. His eyes swept across the space before he looked over his shoulder at Isak with a wide, beautiful smile.
 
“I don’t know what you were so embarrassed about,” he said. “It’s cool.”
 
Isak smiled gratefully back at him as he closed the door. He didn’t know why he’d been so worried, truthfully. He supposed it was because he still wasn’t used to anybody being this close. So involved in this part of his life. It was surreal to see his handsome boyfriend standing right in the middle of his bedroom floor, amongst his old bed, his dusty TV, and bookshelf full of children’s bible stories. Two worlds collided.
 
“It’s pretty different from my room at the Kollektiv,” he said with a shrug.
 
Even’s eyes were focusing on the posters on the walls - mostly half-naked women posed sexily against beach or rainforest backdrops. He paused on a particularly revealing one hanging just above the TV, and Isak felt himself blush.
 
“Interesting decor,” his boyfriend sounded slightly surprised.
 
“Yeah,” Isak admitted, “I guess…I was overcompensating, a bit.”
 
Even beamed at him. “You should get a big picture of me posing like that. Put it up instead.”
 
Isak burst out laughing. “You’d let me take a half-naked photo of you?”
 
“Yeah, of course,” Even said seriously. “You can use my camera. You can put it on Instagram, too, if you want. But you’d have to caption it ‘the man of my life’.”
 
“No!” Isak exclaimed, grinning despite himself. “That’s never going to happen.”
 
His parents hated those posters when he first started putting them up. Had yelled at him repeatedly to take them down. But Isak had always suspected that if they knew the truth, they’d like them a lot more. Better half-naked women all over his walls, than a gay son, he’d convinced himself.
 
“That’s a shame,” Even said with exaggerated disappointment. “I think I’d look good, lying half-naked on the beach.”
 
He really would, Isak had to admit. He walked towards his boyfriend and wrapped both arms around his waist.
 
“Maybe I don’t want other people to see your half-naked photos,” he replied, somewhat teasingly. “Did you ever think of that?”
 
Even’s eyebrows went up. “Are you jealous?”
 
“No,” Isak said hastily, “I don’t get jealous.”
 
He kissed him - quite possessively - all the same.
 
“What?” he laughed, when he saw his boyfriend grinning mischievously as he pulled away.
 
“Let me hear one of your pick up lines. Like Lea was talking about.”
 
Isak shook his head furiously. “No way! You heard her, anyway. I only had the one.”
 
“From what your friends have told me, it worked more often than not,” Even reasoned.
 
It was true. He could be pretty charming and charismatic, when he needed to be. Not always with Even, though. Especially in those early days. He’d look into those big blue eyes and somehow end up tongue-tied.
 
“What about you? What were your best pick up lines?”
 
Even laughed. “You’ve already heard all of mine.”
 
“You mean, offering me a joint and then bringing up dicks for no reason?”
 
“Yeah,” Even said seriously, “that was my move.”
 
Isak gripped Even tighter, pulling them closer. “It’s a terrible move.”
 
“And yet, here we are,” Even circled his arms around Isak’s shoulders. “Now it’s your turn.”
 
“Okay, fine,” he rolled his eyes. It was always so hard not to give in to what Even wanted. He looked directly into his eyes, and the words came out much more serious than he’d intended. “Baby, you’re damn beautiful.”
 
The huge grin that split across Even’s face would have been worth a thousand embarrassments.
 
“So, are you hap-” Isak was cut off as Even leaned forward, pressing their lips together.
 
Here they were indeed, kissing passionately in the middle of his old bedroom. Even’s tongue exploring his mouth, and Isak leaning into it, willingly. He could have easily lost himself in the moment, if Even hadn’t suddenly pulled back, eyes drifting towards the door.
 
Isak followed his gaze to where Lea was standing, one hand still on the doorknob, the other holding her steady against the frame. A bug-eyed, bewildered expression plastered to her face. The three of them became frozen in place for what felt like eternity. Isak forgot he and Even still had their arms around each other.
 
“Um…” his sister awkwardly stammered, followed by a prolonged silence. Her cheeks were slowly turning pink.
 
Isak was still trying to work out what the fuck to say to her when she appeared to blink out of her stupor. She slammed the door shut. Then came the sound of the one next door slamming too.
 
“Fuck,” Isak sighed and rubbed his eyes.
 
When he opened them again, his boyfriend was smiling at him calmly. “She was going to have to find out eventually.”
 
“Yeah, but not like this,” Isak said, frustrated. “I was going to talk to her about it properly, when I found the right time.”
 
He felt Even’s hand gently caress the side of his face, pushing back some of his hair.
 
“You still can talk to her,” he said. “I think she’s going to take it pretty well.”
 
Isak honestly hadn’t been sure. His sister had always been sort of sheltered, and naive. Not that he could really talk, he had to admit, but still. He didn’t know if she’d ever had to think about the possibility of someone being gay before, let alone her own brother.
 
“What makes you say that?” he asked curiously.
 
Even kissed him. “When we went shopping last week, I sort of had to tell her I had a boyfriend. I didn’t say who. But it didn’t seem to bother her.”
 
“Huh?” Isak tilted his head to one side, confused. “Why did you have to tell her?”
 
“This is sort of awkward,” Even shifted uncomfortably, “but she said something that made me think she might…kind of…like me?”
 
Lea’s behaviour over the past couple of weeks suddenly made sense. Isak’s eyes widened as realisation dawned.
 
“Oh!”
 
“I had to say something to make her see me differently,” Even confessed, “so I mentioned that I have a boyfriend. I hope you’re not mad.”
 
It didn’t occur to him that not telling Lea about their relationship might put Even in an awkward position. He felt guilty for creating an unnecessary drama.
 
“No, definitely not. You handled it the right way,” he said earnestly, before sighing and looking in the direction of the door. “I should talk to her now, shouldn’t I?”
 
“Sooner rather than later is best,” Even agreed. “I might go home. Give you guys some time to talk. Unless you need my help with anything else?”
 
Isak smiled at him gratefully. “It’s cool.”
 
He walked Even to the door and kissed him goodbye, then went to check on his mother. His heart sank when he realised that she’d crawled under the bed again. She was sleeping peacefully, her breathing slow and even. He watched her for a long time - deliberated whether or not to try and move her - until his knees started to hurt from crouching down and he had to give up.
 
***

17:57

Lea’s bedroom had changed a lot in the six months Isak had been away. The teddy bears and dollhouses had been replaced with makeup, emoji shaped pillows, and pictures of attractive male celebrities on the walls. There was still a silver cross hanging directly above her bed, that Marianne had given her, once, and a quote from the poem ‘Footprints in the Sand’ taped to her mirror.
 
She was sitting up in bed, looking at something on her laptop when he walked in, and hastily closed it when she saw him.
 
“I tried Googling ‘gay’ to see what comes up,” she said, staring at her lap, “but all I could find was porn.”
 
Isak had done the same thing, when he was much younger.
 
“Yeah,” he replied wryly, “that will happen.”
 
He sat on the edge of her bed, near her knees, and waited for her to say something.
 
“You’re Even’s boyfriend,” she stated, eventually.
 
Isak nodded. “Yep.”
 
She chewed on her lip. “So…you’re gay, then?”
 
For years, he’d done everything in his power to avoid that question. Even now, part of him still struggled with it.
 
“Yeah, Lea,” he said calmly. “I’m gay.”
 
It was the first time he’d told someone that, so plainly. When he came out to his parents, or his friends, it had always been in the context of his relationship with Even. This time, it was just about him and his identity. The simple truth.
 
He smiled nervously at her, and could see her mulling things over in her head.
 
“I don’t get it,” she said. “Your room is full of pictures of girls. You were always hitting on girls. You’d always roll your eyes and say something mean if you saw a gay person on TV. I thought…I thought you hated gay people.”
 
“I hated myself,” he told her sadly.
 
She lowered her eyes. Fiddled with one of the hair elastics around her wrist.
 
“Do Mum and Dad know?”
 
“They do,” he said, pausing to consider for a moment. “I’m not sure either of them fully understand it, but…I think they’re both just trying their best. In their own ways.”
 
“Why am I always the last to know things?” she muttered, pouting.
 
Isak was surprised. That was her big take-away from this?
 
“I was going to tell you, but with Mum being sick it just didn’t feel like the right time,” he admitted. “Besides, it’s not like we’ve had many chances to talk, the past few months.”
 
“Yeah,” she conceded, frowning. “Is that…is that the reason why you left home? Because you were scared to tell us?”
 
“That was a large part of it,” he answered honestly.
 
“Because Mum and I believe in God?”
 
He nodded again.
 
She shifted in the bed, setting the laptop aside and wrapping her arms around her skinny legs.
 
“All this time, I thought it was because you were angry about what happened between Mum and Dad,” she said. “And that you couldn’t handle Mum being so stressed anymore.”
 
“That was the other part of it,” he replied. He couldn’t look at her when he said it. “The thing is, Lea, I’m not as strong as you are.”
 
He felt her tap him on the shoulder shortly afterwards. When he turned to face her, she threw her arms around him, pulling him into a slightly uncomfortable hug. It stunned him to the point where it took a while for him to react.
 
“You came back,” he heard her whisper. “You came back when I needed you the most. That’s all that matters to me.”
 
Slowly, tentatively, he put his arms around her too. His eyes closed, and he breathed a sigh of relief.
 
“Isak?” she asked over his shoulder.
 
“Yeah?”
 
She released him from her hold and returned to her old position, arms wrapped around her legs again.
 
“Did you always know you were gay? Or, like, was it only after you met Even?”
 
“I think I always knew,” he said thoughtfully, “but it took meeting Even to get me to be okay with it. If that makes sense.”
 
His sister giggled, grinning from ear to ear.
 
“I can see why,” she teased. “He is so handsome.”
 
Isak spluttered, cheeks heating up. “Lea…”
 
“No really! Like, so so handsome,” her eyes were wide and serious. “You’re definitely punching above your weight.”
 
“I am not punching,” he said haughtily. “Be careful what you say. A lot of people think we look the same, you know.”
 
“No we don’t,” she laughed. “We don’t look a thing like each other.”
 
“I know.”
 
They exchanged a smile, that said more than words ever could.
 
“Hey listen, there’s something else I need to talk to you about,” Isak said. “You know…Mum isn’t getting any better.”
 
Lea’s expression instantly fell. She stared down at her knees again, before finally giving a slight nod.
 
“Every morning I wake up early so I can go check on her before school. And every morning…I keep hoping, that I’ll walk into her room and she’ll be up and out of bed and dressed. Maybe reading her bible. Singing to herself, like she used to. That maybe she’ll…she’ll look me in the eye, again.”
 
The emotion in her voice split Isak’s heart in two. His sister cared so much and tried so hard. She deserved the chance to have a normal life. They all did.
 
“I don’t want it to get any worse,” he told her earnestly. “Lea…I think she needs to go to hospital.”
 
His sister’s eyes snapped up, wide and alive with fear. “A hospital?”
 
He told her about how Even had convinced him to seek professional help. How he’d confided in Even’s parents, who were social workers. How he’d spoken to their father, who had supported his decision. All the while, she listened to him in silent astonishment.
 
“But Isak,” she said once he’d finished, tears beginning to form in her eyes, “what if…what will happen to her, then? She’s our mum. I don’t want her to get locked up, with all the crazy people.”
 
“They won’t lock her up,” Isak explained as calmly as he could. “She’s not a criminal. She’s just sick. She’s going to get medicated, and treated. She’s going to get better, and then she can come back home and live a normal life.”
 
Lea shook her head in disbelief. “How do you know that?”
 
“I don’t,” Isak sighed. There was no use lying to her. “But I know that if we don’t do this, nothing is ever going to change. So…we have to hope.”
 
“She won’t want to go,” Lea said, wiping her eyes at the same time. “Especially right now. You’ve heard her. She thinks the whole world is out to get her.”
 
“All the more reason why we need to do it now,” he asserted. His sister was too young to remember some of the things he did. She didn’t know just how bad it could get, yet.
 
He could almost see the thoughts that were racing through her head. They were likely the same thoughts and fears he first had, during that conversation in the car with Even.
 
“I’m sure it’s fine for you,” she said bitterly. “You have your new home, and your friends, and your boyfriend. But this life with Mum…this is all I have. It’s all I’ve ever known. If she has to go away, then…”
 
Isak moved across the bed so that he was sitting next to her. He put his arm around her shoulders.
 
“You have me,” he whispered. “You can come and live with me, until Mum gets better. And then before you know it, you’ll both be back home again, I promise.”
 
She sniffed loudly, resting her head on his shoulder. He ran his hand up and down her own soothingly.
 
“It’s okay to be scared,” he smiled sadly. “If it helps at all…I’m fucking terrified.”
 
Lea made a strange sound, like a laugh and a sob at the same time.
 
“When did you become so smart and nice, anyway?”
 
Isak laughed. “I don’t know. It’s been a weird few months for me. Weird, but good.”
 
“Well,” his sister lifted her head, returning his smile, “I like the new you.”
 
***

Wednesday, 25 January, 2017

11:27

When Isak was twelve years old, he’d used most of his allowance to buy a copy of ‘Skyrim’, not long after it was first released. He went home to play it that night, and ended up staying awake until three in the morning, hooked on it instantly. Looking back, now, he didn’t want to think about the amount of hours he’d probably wasted playing that game. The obsession ran so deep that for a while, his friends and family had to at least know the basics of ‘The Elder Scrolls’ universe to be able to even communicate with him.
 
One afternoon - Isak couldn’t be sure what day of the week it was - he had been sitting in his room, deep into an important quest, when his mother had unexpectedly walked in. She sat silently on the edge of his bed, content to watch him play for what had felt like an eternity. He remembered being grateful that she didn’t seem to want to interrupt; to start some banal conversation about how school was going, or his friends. He remembered barely noticing that she was there.
 
“You know, son,” she said, hours after she’d first walked in, “the monsters, and the demons in that game you love so much…they’re real.”
 
Isak hadn’t paid much attention to this at first. He knew his mother believed in demons. She’d talked about them, whenever she told him about the end times. He kept his eyes focused on the screen.
 
“I see them, sometimes,” she’d continued calmly when he didn’t respond. “I see them in your father’s office, when I go to visit. They stand behind some of the pregnant women who come to see him, and they smile at me. Horrible smiles, with sharp teeth. I see him late at night, standing over my bed.”
 
This had been new, at the time. Before that day, he’d never heard her talk about actually seeing the demons before. It was enough to make him forget about the game. He swivelled around on his desk chair, so that he could see her. Her face was flat and expressionless, the way it sometimes got, when she was having one of her ‘stresses’. The light behind her green eyes had gone out. It was hard to read her.
 
“We can’t tell your father,” she told him in a hushed whisper. “He wouldn’t understand.”
 
Isak bit his lip and nodded. He knew better than to talk to his father about this. Whenever he tried to share something his mother had confided in him, Terje would just get angry.
 
“Aren’t you scared of them?” he’d asked her, nervously. “The monsters and demons?”
 
“Of course,” Marianne answered, scanning the room. “That’s why we have to pray constantly, Isak, and read the bible. That’s the only way to stop them.”
 
Isak hated having to pray and read the bible. Jonas didn’t have to pray and read the bible, or go to church and Sunday school, and Isak was always so jealous. At that time, he’d started learning about evolution in his science class at school, and it was beginning to make him question things about his faith. Still, what if his doubts were wrong? What if they were the monsters and demons, trying to get into his head? What if he got left behind when the end times came?
 
“Why can’t I see them?” he’d asked her. “Why can’t Dad see them? Or Lea?”
 
His mother had sighed, shaking her head sadly. He never got the answer to his question.
 
“There’s a spiritual war going on around us all the time, Issy,” she said. “It’s just that most people don’t know how to see it. Or they don’t want to.”
 
She stood up, pausing at his desk on her way to the door. She patted his shoulder.
 
“You shouldn’t play that game so much,” she told him softly. “It’s bad for you.”
 
That night, he hadn’t been able to sleep properly. He lay awake in the darkness, imagining an invisible war between angels and demons raging above his head. Whenever he went to visit his father’s office, he’d envision the demons his mother had described, standing behind the nice, smiley mums-to-be who were his father’s patients, and he’d instantly tremble. Part of him never forgot that, even years later, when he’d figured out that the monsters and demons were only in her head.
 
It was strange. Of all the things that had happened over the years, it was this conversation with his mother that stood out to him now. Isak kept thinking about it, as he, Lea and Even waited for the hospital psychiatrist to arrive. For most of his teenage years, he had been quick to dismiss his mother as a crazy person, and nothing more. But in that moment, perhaps for the first time in his life, he tried to see the world the way that Marianne did. She was a prisoner in the constant war which raged all around her.
 
“You okay?” Even asked, frowning slightly beside him.
 
He wasn’t okay. Not really. This was the hardest thing he would ever have to do.
 
“I’m fine,” he answered, with his best attempt at a brave smile.
 
His boyfriend reached over and rubbed his shoulder comfortingly. Across the living room, Lea sat on the adjacent couch, head in her hands as she stared into space. Isak knew how she felt; torn between wanting to do the right thing by their mother, and not wanting to betray her to her worst fears.
 
The sound of a car approaching echoed in the quiet suburban surrounds. Isak stood up in time to see an unknown white vehicle pull into the driveway. Too early to be the psychiatrist. It had to be the priest.
 
“I’ll get the door,” his sister announced.
 
Isak leaned in towards Even, allowing him to wrap his arm around him properly. He listened to Lea and the priest making small talk in the hallway, like a grandfather and granddaughter catching up for the first time in many months. He knew that this was the best way to help his mother, but being around anything or anyone that reminded him of his Catholic upbringing made him feel strangely sick, he’d discovered. He just couldn’t rectify it with the person he was turning into. He doubted he ever could.
 
When he heard them heading towards the living room, Isak instinctively pulled away from his boyfriend.
 
“Hello, Isak,” the priest said with a wide smile. He seemed far less intimidating, without his white robes on. “And…I’m sorry, young man, I’ve forgotten your name.”
 
“Even,” his boyfriend returned the smile politely.
 
Isak stood up, and was surprised when the priest offered him a hand to shake. He took it, and the old man placed another hand on top of his. His wrinkled fingers were soft and warm.
 
“Thank you for coming,” he said awkwardly. His eyes darted around the room, unable to look the priest in the eye. He hoped nobody would notice.
 
“Of course,” the priest replied, “anything for Marianne. Your mother has been a member of our parish for…well, as long as I have been the priest there, really. She’s done a lot of good work for a lot of people.”
 
Isak knew his mother had volunteered a lot of her spare time at the church, in between managing her career and caring for her young children. That had been a long time ago, though. Before she got sick. Before Isak could really remember it properly.
 
“I’m sorry you children have had to go through such a difficult time,” the priest said sincerely.
 
Isak retrieved his hand from the old man’s grasp. He coughed into it. “Would you like something to drink, or whatever?”
 
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lea sigh and shake her head. “Isak, do you have to sound like such a teenage boy all the time?”
 
The priest laughed. “A cup of coffee would be wonderful.”
 
He followed Isak into the kitchen, much to his chagrin. Isak supposed this meant that he wanted to talk to him further. He braced himself, trying to calm the beating of his heart. He’s just a man, he tried to convince himself. Just like anyone else.
 
“How do you take your coffee?” he asked, busying himself with preparing the pot.
 
“However you take it is fine,” the priest replied, entirely unhelpfully.
 
A prolonged silence followed as Isak prepared the mugs. He could hear Even and Lea talking quietly together in the next room.
 
“What sort of volunteer work did my mother used to do?” he found himself asking, more to break the silence up than anything else.
 
“All sorts of things,” the priest said. “She was mostly concerned with youth homelessness. She started up a mentoring program at the church, aimed at helping children in foster care and keeping them off the streets.”
 
“She never talks about that,” Isak admitted. He felt a peculiar sense of pride when he thought about it. It wasn’t often that anything his mother did made him proud.
 
“It doesn’t surprise me,” the priest said, somewhat sadly. “I’ve never known Marianne to want to talk about herself much, at all.”
 
Isak found himself nodding in agreement. He hand the priest a mug of coffee, and he smiled thankfully.
 
“After she lost her job, I’m afraid she wasn’t much up to it, anymore,” he continued. “I’ve been worried about her for a long time. And you and your sister, of course. I was glad when you decided to call.”
 
Isak shrugged. “I’ve been trying to take her to the church. I think it helps her. So…thank you for that, I guess.”
 
“I hope it’s been helping you too?”
 
He honestly didn’t know what to say to that. He glanced back towards the living room. He could make out Even and Lea sitting together under the window. Lea was showing him something on her phone, and his boyfriend grinned and nodded as she spoke.
 
“I don’t know if church is really for me,” he said.
 
“I’m sorry to hear that,” the priest replied earnestly. He paused for a moment, hesitating, before he added, “do you mind me asking why?”
 
Isak bit his lip nervously, eyes still focused on Even. The feelings he had for his boyfriend were overwhelming, sometimes. No one else had ever made him feel this important, this cared for, this accepted before now.
 
“There are some things the church teaches that make me uncomfortable.”
 
“Like what?” the priest asked gently.
 
“Like…” Isak trailed away, with a small sigh, “like, how can loving someone - something so pure, and good, in spite of all the horrible shit that happens in this world - be wrong? How can just being who you are, and trying to live your life the best way you can, mean you’ll end up going to hell?”
 
The priest followed his gaze towards Even. Isak could tell from the expression on his face, that he didn’t need to explain it any further.
 
“My friend Sana is religious,” he went on, “and she told me that anyone who uses their faith as an excuse for bigotry and hatred is just ignorant. And…and I can respect her, and my mum, for believing in something that speaks to them. Really, I can. But for me, personally, I just don’t think I can sit in a place, and listen to people talk and sing about Jesus’ love, and know that some people in that church likely believe I should be excluded from it. I just can’t.”
 
It all came pouring out from somewhere deep inside of him. A few months ago, he could never have pictured having such a frank and honest discussion like this, and with a priest, no less. But with each passing day he was with Even, he felt more confident. More sure. More ready to fight the battles against the forces in the world who thought that people like him were worth less.
 
“I spent way too much time hating myself,” he finished, “and after a while, I got tired of it. It’s exhausting, hating yourself all the time. And in the end, the only one losing from it was me. So…I need to stop it. I need to separate myself from the things that made me hate. Things like being a part of the Catholic church.”
 
The priest looked down at his coffee sadly, and for an instant, Isak actually felt guilty for ranting at him like this. He pushed back against those feelings as hard as he could. He shouldn’t hide the truth anymore, for the sake of anyone else.
 
“Maybe I’ll change my mind one day,” he conceded. “Maybe later in life, the wounds won’t be so fresh, and I’ll be able to reconcile religion with who I am. But for now…”
 
“I understand, Isak,” the priest gave him a tiny smile. “And if it helps at all, I think you’re worthy of Jesus’ love. And I always will.”
 
Isak didn’t believe in God anymore. He really didn’t. But somehow, the words still touched something inside of him. The reached the young boy he’d once been, so desperate to be good.
 
For the first time in years, he was able to look the priest in the eyes.
 
“Thank you,” he said, voice barely above a whisper.
 
***

13:06

Isak was outside, putting the garbage into the trash can, just as a familiar black sedan pulled up into the gravel driveway. It parked behind his mother’s car, which hadn’t been touched in over a year. He froze when it came to a stop, and Terje Valtersen pushed open the door. What the hell was he doing?
 
“Dad…” he trailed away awkwardly, at a loss for what to say. I thought I told you to stay away? Who was the parent here, really?
 
“Isak,” his father said in his usual curt manner, “I’m here to check on your mother.”
 
He knew that Isak would be here today. He knew what they were planning. Since their talk a week ago, he’d been trying to keep Terje in the loop, but now he was regretting this decision.
 
“Dad,” he tried again, “you can’t be here.”
 
Terje cleared his throat. “I’m a part of this family too, son.”
 
When you want to be, Isak thought bitterly. When it suits you.
 
“I know what you’re worried about,” his father continued, “but you’re wrong. It’s true, your mother and I might not be together, anymore. But I’m not going to leave her. I made a mistake, but that doesn’t mean I can’t fix it.”
 
Isak couldn’t recall ever hearing his father admit to a mistake, before. Had their conversation really impacted him that much?
 
Terje gave him a sad smile. “It’s just like you said. I won’t stop trying.”
 
The space in Isak’s chest felt tight. He sighed heavily.
 
“I don’t know how she’s going to react to seeing you,” he admitted, “when she’s like this. I don’t know if she’s fully accepted…that you’re gone.”
 
“What do you mean?” his father asked, puzzled.
 
How could he explain it to him? It was the sort of thing that defied any logic, like most of his mother’s thinking.
 
“She repainted your study,” he said softly, staring at the ground. “Green, because she said that’s why you fell in love with her. Green like her eyes.”
 
When he looked up, his father’s eyes were wide and glassy.
 
“Oh, Marianne…” he whispered. “I had no idea.”
 
Isak could feel the tears coming back. He pushed them down. “She thought it would make you come back…”
 
Terje shook his head slowly. After he seemed to compose himself, he cleared his throat resolutely.
 
“I’m going to stay for this,” he said. “Above all else, she needs to know that I’m here.”
 
Isak wanted to believe that was true. He thought about how happy his mother had appeared, at the Christmas concert, a month ago. So composed. Father, mother and son together, just like she’d always wanted.
 
“I really want this to work,” he told him. “This has to work.”
 
His father placed a hand gently on his shoulder. “It will.”
 
Marianne, Lea, Even and the priest were all in the living room. Isak had managed to coax his mother downstairs when he told her the priest had arrived. She’d spent the past hour or so talking animatedly with him, her words often slurring into each other and barely making coherent sense. The priest simply smiled and nodded along patiently. It seemed like she hadn’t even realised Even and Lea were in the same room, not acknowledging them once.
 
Everything fell silent, however, when he and Terje entered. Lea’s eyes were wide with horror. Even and the priest blinked in stunned disbelief. And Marianne…
 
“Terje,” she breathed, her face turning white.
 
She was dishevelled, in her old jeans and a grey shirt that. She’d lost a lot of weight recently, so that most of her clothes hung loosely over her frame. Her gold hair was matted and unwashed. She reached up to touch it, her fingers scrunching some of it into a ball.
 
“Marianne,” his father replied softly. He took a few steps towards her.
 
Isak had been watching her unravel for weeks now, but he supposed to Terje, this would have been a shock. He hadn’t seen her since Christmas time. She had been a different person, then.
 
“He came home,” she said delightedly. It was unclear who she was speaking to, exactly. “You said, and I was good, and…yes, a good wife.”
 
Truncated nonsense continued to tumble out of her mouth. It almost broke Isak’s heart to listen. When he looked over at his sister, he saw that she had tears in her eyes, again.
 
“Issy,” his mother turned to him, suddenly angry. “You were supposed to remind me. I had to buy a dress. There’s no dress.”
 
His father placed a hand on her shoulder. “Marianne, you need to look at yourself. You’re unwell.”
 
“Dad…” Lea interjected anxiously.
 
Terje glanced up at his daughter, and in less than a second, Marianne had gripped his arm.
 
“No, Terje, we can’t trust Lea anymore,” she said in a hushed, harried voice, “you can’t look at her. She’s trying to keep me prisoner, here. I wanted to see you, but she wouldn’t let me. She says she’s not, but I know. I know. They have her.”
 
Terje was bewildered. He locked eyes with Isak, who looked away shamefully.
 
“She’s not keeping you prisoner, Marianne,” he said. “She’s your daughter.”
 
Marianne shook her head furiously. “Oh, Terje. You don’t understand. Ask Isak. He’ll tell you.”
 
The priest stepped in, gently but firmly prying Marianne’s grip away from her estranged husband.
 
“It’s okay, Marianne,” he said calmly. “Do you want to sit down for a moment? Here, why don’t you let Isak help you?”
 
He gestured for Isak to come forward and take her arm. Isak led her towards the couch and helped her to sit, while she continued to talk to the priest.
 
“You know, Father. You must see it, like I do. You’re a man of God,” she glanced around the room wildly. “That’s why you’re all here, isn’t it? Because of them.”
 
“No, Marianne,” the priest said, “we’re here because of you.”
 
Isak glanced around at the concerned faces. The people who had come to help, despite everything that might make them want to turn away. His father, and baby sister. The man who had baptised him. The man he loved, who had made all of this possible. They had come this far, together. He had to do this. It was time.
 
He took hold of his mother’s hand.
 
“You’re sick, Mum,” he told her in a level voice. “And I know you might not want to see it, but please. We all need you to. We need you to get help.”
 
Marianne’s brows furrowed in confusion. She studied him a moment, before she laughed shrilly.
 
“Marianne,” the priest said, “you need to listen to your son.”
 
“Lea isn’t trying to keep you a prisoner,” he continued. “She’s trying to take care of you.”
 
“No,” Marianne shook her head, “no.”
 
“Isak is telling the truth, Marianne,” the priest added. “Your children love you very much. That’s why they brought us all here today.”
 
“You want to lock me up,” Marianne’s eyes flittered across the room, landing on Even. “He must be one of them. Suddenly here all the time. I hear him talking to Lea, all the time, making plans.”
 
“Marianne,” Terje said angrily, “you’re being ridiculous.”
 
Isak bit back the frustration he felt. His father wanted to help, but he’d never been good at knowing when to keep his mouth shut.
 
“Should I go?” Even asked Isak quietly.
 
“No,” Isak answered, voice firm. He returned his attention to his mother. “Mum, Even is here all the time because I ask him to be. It has nothing to do with Lea.”
 
Marianne eyed Even up and down hesitantly.
 
“Tell her about the hospital, Isak,” his father suggested.
 
“Hospital?”
 
Isak placed another hand on top of the one holding his mother’s. “There’s a woman coming here soon. She’s a psychiatrist. She’s going to talk to you, but…Mum, don’t be scared.” He gripped her hand tighter as she struggled in his grasp. “Don’t be scared. It’s nothing like what you think. Nobody is going to lock you up. They’re going to help you.”
 
“I promise you, Marianne, Isak is telling the truth,” said the priest. “You’re going to get better. You’re going to be fine.”
 
“They’re going to get rid of the monsters and the demons,” Isak added, remembering their conversation from years ago. “They’re going to get rid of all the bad things that get stuck in your head and make it hard for you to think.”
 
His mother stared at him, green eyes more alert than they had been in weeks.
 
“We’re going to come and visit you,” he continued, “every day, if you want. You’re not going to have to fight this on your own.”
 
Isak had never considered himself a leader, by any means. He’d hidden behind Jonas for most of his life, rarely daring to speak up. Never wanting to say a word against his parents. In that moment, when it mattered most, he found a strength to say exactly what he needed to.
 
“Do you remember when I was a little kid, and I got really upset because I thought I wouldn’t make the soccer team? That I hadn’t trained enough?” he said, smiling a little at the memory. “I came home from school the next day and you’d bought me a goalpost. It was just sitting there, in the backyard. You did that for me, because you cared. Because you wanted to help.”
 
He hadn’t made the team that year, but in the end, it didn’t matter. What mattered was how much his mother had understood what it meant to him. How much she’d tried to make his life better.
 
“This is my chance to help you,” he told her, staring directly into her eyes. “If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for me. For Lea. For Dad. Do it for God. Because this is what we really want. For you to be able to live your life the best way that you can.”
 
He heard his sister let go of a sob. When he looked over, he saw Even put an arm around her, and she cried onto his chest. Marianne followed his gaze, watching Lea with a blank expression for a moment. She returned her eyes to him, and it was like something had shifted. Perhaps, somehow, his words had gotten through to her.
 
She lifted her free hand, tenderly touching his cheek.
 
“You know, Issy,” she breathed, “the day you were born…it was the first time I’d ever met someone who was related to me. Who shared my DNA.”
 
He could feel the weight of the emotion in her words, thick in the room. She let go of a little laugh.
 
“I don’t think many people will get to realise how amazing that is. To never know your own family, and then to hold your newborn child, and see yourself reflected back in another person for the first time,” she told him. “I remember it so vividly. June 21st, 21:21. I knew from that moment on that I’d never love anyone as much as you. And then…your sister…”
 
She sounded more lucid than she had in a long time. Isak felt a tear escape from the corner of his eye. It slowly trailed down his cheek.
 
“I’ll do it for you,” she said. “I’d do anything for you.” 
 
***

Thursday, 26 January, 2017

14:31

“How long has your mother been showing symptoms of psychosis for?” the psychiatrist asked.
 
The brusqueness and clinical nature of the question took Isak aback. He’d never used words like ‘psychosis’ to describe his mother before. Crazy? Nuts? Absolutely fucking insane? Sure. But never ‘psychosis’.
 
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly, glancing at Even beside him for confirmation. “I guess it started happening not long after Christmas time.”
 
The psychiatrist made a note on her computer. She looked far too young to be a medical doctor, in Isak’s opinion. She was short, with long blonde hair tied back tightly behind her head. So tight that it created stretch lines on her forehead.
 
“But this isn’t the first time it’s happened?” she continued to question him, without glancing up from her screen.
 
“No. Definitely not.”
 
The list of things she needed to know proved to be never-ending. How much did his mother eat and sleep? Did he know if she’d taken any medication previously? What kinds? What about her family medical history? Isak was ashamed to discover he barely knew the answers to any of those.
 
“You’d be better off talking to my dad,” he eventually conceded. “He probably knows a lot more about it than I do.”
 
The psychiatrist paused in her incessant typing, regarding him curiously.
 
“You know, Isak, I should mention that this hospital does offer counselling services, to the family members of our patients,” she said. “If that’s the sort of thing that might interest you or your relatives.”
 
The way she said it gave him flashbacks to the time he’d asked the school doctor for sleeping pills.
 
“No thanks,” he said quickly. “Uh, we don’t really do that, in my family.”
 
He felt Even’s eyes studying him, and blushed.
 
“Well, it’s your decision,” the psychiatrist replied nonchalantly. She leaned forward on her desk, resting her chin against her hands. “Do you want to see your mother, now?”
 
Isak licked his lips. Nodded nervously.
 
Even’s hand touched his knee under the desk. “I’ll wait for you out the front.”
 
Isak smiled at him gratefully. “Okay.”
 
He followed the psychiatrist out of her office, and down into the main hospital corridor. Even had been right when he’d described this sort of place; it was nothing like he’d ever imagined. In a way, it reminded him of a nursing home. Perfectly ordinary looking people in ordinary clothes, sitting around in the common space, the gardens and the food hall. Nurses and doctors hurrying between their appointments. People like him, with large green stickers that red ‘Visitor’ stuck to their fronts, chatting casually with loved ones.
 
“We’ve been keeping her under very close observation while we trial her on some anti-psychotics,” the psychiatrist explained as they walked. “But we’ll transfer her into her own room after a few days.”
 
Isak nodded absently. They passed a girl who looked like she was about his age, wearing tracksuit paints and an old sweater. She gave him a shy smile. It struck him that if he’d seen her on the street, there was no way he would have imagined she belonged in a place like this.
 
Eventually, they arrived in a a section of the hospital that was reserved for the most at-risk patients. It made Isak think of the little medical room in his father’s office - a stark, jarring contrast to the rest of the surroundings. Hospital beds were separated by brightly stripped curtains. As though somebody had thought the vibrant yellow, green and orange would somehow make up for how depressing everything else was. A nurse was speaking to a patient in one of the far beds. He nodded to the psychiatrist in acknowledgement when he saw her.
 
“Bed three needs to remain on suicide watch a little while longer,” he told her in a hushed voice when he approached.
 
Isak’s eyes automatically drifted over to the bed the nurse had just been at. A little old woman was sitting on the edge, staring straight ahead but not really seeing anything.
 
“Okay, I’ll have a talk to her,” the psychiatrist replied. She turned to Isak, then nodded towards the window at the far end of the room. “Your mother is over there. Bed seven.”
 
“Thanks,” he said half-heartedly.
 
He approached bed seven slowly as possible, the sound of his every footstep deafening in his ears as the rest of the world faded away. His mother wasn’t in the bed. She was staring out towards the window, her body slumped against the wall.
 
“Mum?” he asked her softly.
 
A tiny glimmer of a smile flashed across her face when she noticed him.
 
“Issy.”
 
She was wearing one of her old nightgowns, pink almost faded into white. One of the nurses and helped her to wash her hair. It hung fresh about her shoulders.
 
“Do you want to get back into the bed?” he said nervously. He wasn’t sure if she was supposed to stay in there or not.
 
She didn’t respond, her gaze returning to the hospital window. It overlooked the car park, where Even’s car was waiting.
 
“Issy, you were wrong about this place,” Marianne said in a hushed tone. “They’re trying to poison me, you know.”
 
Isak’s heart sank. He sat down on the edge of the bed, hoping it would encourage her to sit down too.
 
“They’re not trying to poison you,” he said calmly. “Your body’s just reacting to the medication. That’s all.”
 
“They’re drugging me. They’re going to give me one of those chips, you’ll see. Just like your sister.”
 
“That’s not true.”
 
“They think they can fool me. They don’t realise I’m a doctor. I know things.”
 
The nurse walked past them without so much as a glance, pulling back the curtains around the adjacent bed to check on a patient. Marianne’s eyes darted about anxiously.
 
“I brought you some more stuff from home,” Isak said, hoping to distract her. He opened the bag he’d brought, pulling out a well-thumbed bible and a set of rosary beads. “Lea said you’d want these.”
 
His mother didn’t seem to hear. She watched the curtain that the nurse had disappeared behind, before crossing the tiny space of floor. She knelt directly in front of him.
 
“You have to help me get out of here, Issy,” she pleaded. “They’re going to kill me.”
 
“No one is going to kill you, Mum.”
 
“Please,” her hand reached for his, “I can’t stay here. I don’t want to, anymore.”
 
It was like she couldn’t remember the conversation they’d had yesterday, when she’d agreed to come here.
 
“If you try to leave, they’re just going to make you go to the public hospital,” he explained as calmly as he could.
 
Marianne shook her head. “I can’t stay here. I can’t.”
 
The nurse stepped back around the curtain and paused, eyes narrowing at the scene in front of him.
 
“Is everything okay?”
 
“Everything’s fine,” Isak motioned to stand up, but his mother gripped his wrist. “Mum, I have to go now, okay? Even’s waiting for me.”
 
Tears began to cloud her eyes. “No, Issy, please! Don’t leave me.”
 
He knew it was the right thing. Knew it intellectually, at least. But as he struggled to wrangle himself free of his mother’s grasp, he suddenly wished he could take it all back. Take away the pain, loneliness and confusion she must be going through. Take away the guilt that was brimming inside him, threatening to burst.
 
The nurse swept down to Marianne’s height, prying her hands away.
 
“Let’s get you back into bed, Mrs. Valtersen. Your son will come and see you again soon,” he said kindly, before lifting his gaze towards Isak. “You can go. I’ll take it from here. She’s in safe hands, don’t worry.”
 
Isak could hear her protesting as he hurried out of the hospital. He didn’t dare to look back.
 
***

15:44

There were cluttering sounds in the kitchen when Isak and Even returned to the Valtersen family home. It made Isak freeze for a second, before he remembered that Marianne wasn’t there.
 
“What are you doing?” he asked incredulously as they entered.
 
Terje was bustling about the kitchen, opening drawers and cupboards and inspecting the contents, before either tossing it or returning it to the shelves. The dining table, once cluttered with his mother’s old research papers and journals, was now completely barren. It had been wiped down to the point where Isak could see his own reflection shining in it.
 
His father was alive with nervous energy. He pulled open the refrigerator door and peered inside.
 
“Since your mother won’t be coming home for a while,” he said in a strained voice, “I thought it might be best to clean out some of the clutter around here, for when she gets back.”
 
It sounded like something Marianne might say, when she was unstable. Isak glanced at his boyfriend, who was observing Terje with a great amount of sympathy.
 
“Even, Lea and I cleaned out the fridge on Sunday already,” he informed him.
 
His father reached inside anyway, pulling out some of the meagre supplies that were left.
 
“We have to get rid of all the perishables, or else they’ll go off. I want to do it before I take Lea home with me.”
 
“Lea’s staying with me,” Isak interjected. “We talked about it. She said that’s what she wants to do.”
 
He stopped midway through his frenzy, muscles tensing. He coughed and the tension was released.
 
“If that’s her decision,” he said tersely. He picked up a carton of milk, squinting at the use-by date. “Do you need milk at your flat, Isak?”
 
“No,” Isak answered bluntly. He didn’t want his mother’s half-finished milk. He didn’t want to take anything from this place.
 
“It’ll just go to waste if you don’t,” said Terje, setting the milk on the counter. He fished through the fridge again. “What about eggs? Do you want to take the eggs home?”
 
“Dad…”
 
“What about the cheese?”
 
“Dad!” Isak exploded, throwing his hands up in the air in frustration. “Can you please, please stop cleaning? Please!”
 
The emotions that had been stirring all day were in his throat, thick and heavy. His eyes were starting to sting.
 
“Isak,” his father said quietly, “I’m only trying to help.”
 
Isak groaned in frustration. “I get it. I get that you want to help. I get that you probably feel as helpless as I do right now, but you just need to stop, okay? Stop going through her things. Stop throwing them away.”
 
He knew his mother would never need those old medical papers again. That the milk would go off long before anyone moved back into the house. But this was more real than he was ready for. It was like he had thrown her away, by sending her to the mental hospital. He thought about those large, desperate green eyes. Don’t leave me.
 
“I need a minute,” he said, startled by how hoarse his own voice sounded.
 
He headed straight for his bedroom, which seemed to take agonisingly long, when all he wanted was to be alone. He thought he was going to break down and cry, but surprisingly, it was the anger that reached him first. He kicked the edge of his old bed. Grabbed the end table and tossed it over with a cry of frustration. It didn’t make him feel as good as he’d hoped. The lamp and assorted objects stacked on it clattered onto the wooden floor.
 
Even was standing in the doorway when he turned around, watching him stoically. Isak wished beyond all hope that he hadn’t followed him. He never wanted Even to see him like this. To witness him losing control.
 
He opened his mouth to say something - to apologise for being such a helpless, angry, piece of shit - but his boyfriend reached him before he had the chance to get the words out. Two long arms wrapped around him, pulling him against a firm chest. He was overwhelmed by that distinct Even smell, on the blue jacket he always wore.
 
“Everything is so fucked up,” he choked out, as tears began to escape. He fought against them, trying to hold them back.
 
Even’s arms gripped him tighter. Soft lips kissed all over the top of his head.
 
“It’s going to be okay,” he heard him whisper.
 
Isak leaned into the embrace, allowing himself to collapse so that Even’s weight was all that kept him standing. It was safe. Secure. Protected.
 
And then, finally, he allowed himself to break down.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Thursday, 26 January, 2017

20:10

Even kept his eyes on the road, trying to ignore the weight of the silence that was engulfing the car.  He’d briefly considered turning on the radio to try and mask it, but had decided against it just as quickly. It didn’t feel appropriate. Nothing felt appropriate, right now.
 
Both Valtersen siblings appeared to be utterly spent. In the back seat, Lea had curled up into a ball, head resting on the glass and eyes gently closed. Periodically, Even would hear a tiny sniff coming from her, but aside from that, she hadn't made a sound since she’d packed her things and left her home behind. Isak sat beside him, gazing out the window in deep contemplation. His eyes had been bloodshot ever since he broke down in Even’s arms, earlier that afternoon. They hadn’t spoken about it since. In fact, Even thought with a twinge of sadness, his boyfriend hadn’t been able to look him in the eye.
 
He parked as close to the entrance of the Kollektiv as possible. Isak hadn’t seemed to notice that the car had come to a stop. Even reached over and gently touched his leg.
 
“Isak?”
 
His boyfriend slowly turned to face him. Gave a feeble attempt at a smile.
 
“I think Lea fell asleep,” Even glanced into the back.
 
Isak sighed. “Doesn’t surprise me.”
 
He undid his seatbelt and leaned right over to shake her awake. Even climbed out of the car, taking her suitcase out of the boot. It wasn’t as heavy as he’d expected. Maybe she didn’t believe she would be staying here long.
 
“I can carry that,” the sleepy fourteen-year-old said when she saw him with the suitcase.
 
“Relax, I’ve got it,” Even smiled at her. He picked it up by the handle before she could protest, slamming the boot shut and locking the car with his free hand.
 
Isak led the way into the apartment complex, with Lea in the middle. Even could see her becoming increasingly anxious as they made their way up the stairs.
 
“Do your housemates know I’m staying here?”
 
“Yeah, of course,” Isak answered as he walked. “I explained the situation to them. They’re expecting you.”
 
“What are they like? Will I get along with them?”
 
Isak shrugged. “They’re okay.”
 
He unlocked the front door and headed straight for the living area. Lea hesitated before following him, glancing over her shoulder at Even with trepidation. He gave her an encouraging nod.
 
“Hi!” Noora’s enthusiastic greeting echoed towards the front door before Even saw her. She beamed as she came out of the kitchen, holding a steaming mug of herbal tea. “Wow, Isak, your sister looks just like you!”
 
“No,” Isak laughed, as he and Lea both shook their heads.
 
She shrugged it off, focusing her attention on Lea. She tilted her head to one side in a knowing, Noora-esque way. “I’m Noora. I’m your brother’s housemate, and I go to school with him and Even.”
 
“I’m Lea,” the other girl smiled back at her shyly.
 
“It’s nice to have another girl here,” Noora added. “We were starting to get outnumbered.”
 
Isak tapped his sister on the shoulder. “Want me to show you where you’re sleeping?”
 
“You’re taking my old bed,” Noora explained as they walked further in, falling into step beside Lea. “It’s a lot comfier than it looks, don’t worry. And I put some fresh sheets on it for you.”
 
“Where are you going to sleep?” Lea asked.
 
“I’m bunking in with Linn for now. That’s our other housemate.”
 
Lea nodded sheepishly and stared at the ground. Even could tell she felt guilty for putting the other girl out, but Noora honestly didn’t seem that bothered by it.
 
Eskild and Linn were together in the living room, the former wearing an old tracksuit with her hair pulled back roughly in a ponytail, slumped on the couch. The latter was still fully dressed and nursing a glass of wine. He stood up as soon as he saw them.
 
“You’re back!” he said happily, setting the wine down on the coffee table. He smiled at the new arrival. “You must be Lea.”
 
“That’s Eskild,” Isak told his little sister.
 
“I’m Isak’s guru adviser, slash godfather, slash role model, slash mentor.”
 
Isak rolled his eyes. “He’s my housemate.”
 
Eskild ignored him. “Isak, you didn’t tell me you have such a cute younger sister. She definitely got all the good genes.”
 
Lea blushed furiously.
 
“Feel free to ignore him, if you want,” Isak suggested. “The girl on the couch over there is Linn.”
 
Linn poked her head up when her name was mentioned. She studied Lea carefully.
 
“You have nice hair.”
 
“Thank you,” Lea touched some of her long curls as she said it, looking surprised.
 
“That’s your bed over there, Lea,” Noora gestured towards the corner of the room. “I hope it’s okay.”
 
The mattress was made up with crisp white sheets and a number of pillows and blankets. In the months she’d been sleeping here, Noora had made that space into a makeshift bedroom, complete with fairy lights, a stack of books that also functioned as a bedside table, and Polaroid pictures of her friends on the wall.
 
“I’ll put your bag over here for you, okay?” Even told her quietly. He placed the suitcase at the edge of the bed.
 
“Come get settled in with us,” Eskild said as he returned to the couch. “Thursdays are trash TV night in this apartment.”
 
“Every night is trash TV night here,” Linn pointed out.
 
Even glanced over at Isak. He could tell his boyfriend was exhausted and probably not at all in the mood for socialising, but they couldn’t leave Lea alone with people she’d just met.
 
“I need to take the car back to my parents,” he said, placing a hand on Isak’s back.
 
Wide, grey-green eyes stared up at him for the first time in hours. “Are you staying here tonight?”
 
He sounded anxious and needy. From the tone of his voice, Even could tell that staying over was what Isak wanted.
 
“Yeah,” he smiled. “I’ll just drop the keys off and grab some things, then I’ll come back.”
 
He hesitated briefly before leaning in to give Isak a quick kiss. When they broke apart, his boyfriend appeared startled in the most adorable way. Noora was beaming at them, while Lea didn’t seem to know where to look.
 
“I’ll be back in under an hour,” he assured him.
 
In reality, it ended up taking a little longer than he’d expected. His parents wanted to quiz him on everything that had happened over the past two days, and even though he knew they were well intentioned, it felt like he was being put on the spot. He explained things to them as best he could, while also promising that yes, he would catch up on the last two days of classes over the weekend. He grabbed a bag of school books as well as a few changes of clothing, not knowing how long it would be before he came back again.
 
When he returned to the Kollektiv, Lea was wedged between Eskild and Linn on the couch, while Isak was next to Noora on the adjacent one. He looked like he was seconds away from passing out, eyes occasionally drifting closed.
 
“I don’t understand,” Lea shook her head sadly, eyes on the screen. “Her outfit was the prettiest. She shouldn’t have been eliminated.”
 
“Never get invested in reality TV, little one,” Eskild replied sagely. “You’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. You can’t take it seriously.”
 
“It’s all faked, anyway,” Linn added. “They already know who the winner is going to be, when they decide on the cast.”
 
“That doesn’t seem fair,” Lea pouted.
 
Even sat on the armrest beside Isak. His boyfriend leant against him, using his leg as a pillow.
 
“Want to go to bed?” he asked with a gentle smile, running a hand through blonde curls. Isak nodded, slowly opening his eyes. They were still considerably red, though it seemed like no one had commented.
 
“We’re going to sleep,” Isak said to Lea as he pulled himself up. “My room is the one over there. You can come and grab us if you need something.”
 
“We’ll look after her, Isak,” Noora said firmly.
 
“I’ll show you where the bathroom is later,” Eskild offered. “Since you’re new you can use whatever you want in there. Just not my towels, because I don’t actually have that many. They’re the nice blue ones.”
 
He stared pointedly at Even, who laughed apologetically.
 
“Okay, goodnight, people,” Isak took hold of Even’s hand.
 
There was a chorus of ‘goodnight’ as they made their way towards the bedroom. Isak still seemed reluctant to look at him for very long, Even realised, as they changed their clothes and got ready for sleep. When they fell into bed together, however, Isak curled up into Even’s side almost immediately, resting his head on his chest.
 
“You don’t have to feel embarrassed about anything that happened today,” Even said into the darkness, running his hand up and down his boyfriend’s back. “Just…so you know.”
 
Isak was quiet for a minute, his breathing steady.
 
“I cried in front of you,” he said, burying his face into Even’s chest at the same time. “That was fucking stupid.”
 
“It’s not stupid,” Even squeezed him. “I’ve cried in front of you before.”
 
“Valtersens don’t really cry.”
 
They didn’t do therapy either, apparently. Isak had come a long way since he and Even first met, but when it came to processing his feelings, it was still something of an uphill battle.
 
“You didn’t think any less of me for crying, did you?”
 
Isak sighed. “No.”
 
Even kissed his forehead. “I don’t think any less of you either.”
 
He felt Isak shift into a more comfortable position on his chest.
 
“These past couple of days were harder than almost anything else,” he said in a strained voice.
 
“I know,” Even answered comfortingly, “you did the right thing, though.”
 
His fingers continued to play a rhythmic pattern on Isak’s back, until he fell asleep in his arms.
 
***

23:21

Even was half-asleep when he heard the bedroom door slowly creek open. He glanced over at the boy sleeping next to him, but he didn’t stir.
 
“Hey,” he whispered to the girl standing awkwardly in the doorway, as he pulled himself out of bed. “Did you want something?”
 
Lea stared at her feet when he approached.
 
“Um, sorry,” she mumbled, “the others went to bed and I forgot to pack a toothbrush, so I wanted to see if Isak had a spare.”
 
“Oh,” Even said thoughtfully. He stepped out into the hall, closing the door behind him as softly as possible. “There might be a spare one in the bathroom somewhere. I’ll help you look.”
 
“Sorry,” she said again.
 
Even smiled at her. “It’s cool.”
 
Truthfully, he wasn’t sure there was a spare anything lying around the Kollektiv. Bathroom supplies, in particular, were treated like gold. If anyone was likely to think that far ahead, it would probably be Noora.
 
“How’s the bed?” he asked her as he rummaged through the cabinets.
 
“It’s okay,” Lea answered nervously, watching him. “Comfy, like Noora said.”
 
“That’s good.”
 
She chewed on her lip. “It’s a bit weird, though. Being in a different place.”
 
“Yeah,” Even said sympathetically. His hand closed around something towards the back of the cabinet, and he grinned up at her. “Success.”
 
Noora had come through, it seemed. He pulled out a brand new toothbrush and handed it to her.
 
“Thanks,” Lea smiled back at him.
 
She stood in the middle of the bathroom clutching it, looking a little lost.
 
“I’m going to make some tea before I go back to bed,” he told her. “Do you want one?”
 
“Yeah, sure,” she said gratefully. Even suspected it was the company she wanted more than anything.
 
He left her alone to brush her teeth, borrowing Noora’s teapot and some of her decaffeinated blend. By the time Lea came into the kitchen it was ready.
 
“How did Isak end up living here?” she asked, as they sat down at the table.
 
“I don’t really know,” Even admitted. “He never told me the full story.”
 
Blah blah blah, was basically the best he’d gotten.
 
“I never realised Isak kept so many secrets,” she said pensively. “How long have you been his boyfriend for?”
 
Even had to think about it. “Officially, about a month and a bit? But unofficially, probably a few months longer.”
 
“What does that mean?” Lea frowned, puzzled.
 
“It was complicated to begin with,” he explained. “There was…some drama.”
 
“Oh.”
 
She lifted the tea and sniffed at it, before taking a small sip.
 
“Hey listen,” he told her after a short silence, “don’t worry too much if things feel a bit strange, right now. You’re going through a lot. But it will get better, and everyone who lives here is really cool.”
 
She laughed nervously. “Eskild is pretty interesting.”
 
“That’s one way of putting it,” Even grinned. “But seriously, they are good people. You’ll get to know them.”
 
He thought about how they’d all tried to help when he was depressed. Eskild forcing him to get out of bed watch Planet Earth. Noora sitting quietly next to him, reading and bringing him cups of tea. Linn begrudgingly agreeing to play FIFA with him. She was fucking terrible at it, and made him laugh for the first time in ages.
 
“You know, the first time I met Eskild, he walked in on me in the bathroom by accident.”
 
Lea giggled. “Seriously?”
 
“Yeah, I was getting out of the shower, so I just had a towel on, and he practically screamed,” he smirked at the memory. “It was super awkward. He kept asking me all these questions and I was just standing there, wishing he’d leave so I could get dressed.”
 
“Wow,” she shook her head, smiling. “I’m glad that’s not how we met.”
 
“He was a lot cooler about me using his stuff back then. Now I’m old news, so I don’t get any special treatment. You should enjoy it while it lasts.”
 
“I will,” she laughed again.
 
She seemed a lot more relaxed than she had earlier that night. They drained the rest of their mugs, and she yawned.
 
“Ready for bed?” he asked her.
 
“Yeah, I think so,” she smiled.
 
He grabbed both of the mugs and rinsed them out in the sink, before they parted ways in the living room.
 
“See you in the morning,” he touched her shoulder lightly.
 
“Yeah,” she paused a moment, before adding, “um…just so you know, I’m really glad, about you being Isak’s boyfriend.”
 
Even felt like his heart was soaring. “Really?”
 
She nodded shyly. “It’s really nice.”
 
He gave her a tiny side hug. “Goodnight, Lea.”
 
“Goodnight.”
 
***

Friday, 27 January, 2017

08:01

“Are you sure you want to go?” Even asked his boyfriend as he sat on the edge of the bed, watching him get dressed. “I think you’d be forgiven for staying home today.”
 
Isak tugged a shirt on and studied his reflection in the mirror. He ran a hand through his wet hair.
 
“I don’t know what I’d do, sitting around here alone all day,” he sighed. “School is a good distraction.”
 
Getting on with things - no matter what the circumstances - was just what Isak did, Even was learning. He crossed the room and circled his arms around the other boy’s waist.
 
“Do you feel like that’s what you need right now?” he asked their reflections. “Distractions?”
 
Isak laughed. “More than anything.”
 
Even liked the way they looked together, their mirror images seeming to fit each other’s perfectly. He placed his hands on Isak’s stomach and felt the firm abs underneath.
 
“I could come up with a way to distract you,” he suggested in a low, sultry voice.
 
He sucked lightly on Isak’s earlobe, and watched in fascination as he squirmed a little in his arms.
 
“Not that kind of distraction,” Isak grinned, turning to face him.
 
He pressed their lips together, the tip of his tongue slipping into Even’s mouth. Even sighed into the kiss, reaching behind to slide a hand down the jeans Isak had just pulled on, before he abruptly pulled back.
 
“School,” he said firmly, with the faintest hint of a smirk.
 
So unfair. The bastard totally knew what he was doing, too.
 
“School,” Even agreed reluctantly.
 
Eskild and Lea were already in the kitchen. It was surprising enough to see Eskild voluntarily awake at this hour, but the fact that Lea appeared to modelling for him was all the more startling. Even exchanged a look with his equally perplexed boyfriend, just as Lea paused and tilted her head back over her shoulder.
 
“No, it needs to be more of a pop,” came Eskild’s critique. “Much faster. You’re trying to catch people’s attention.”
 
“What are you doing?” Isak asked in bewilderment.
 
Lea froze when she noticed them, cheeks turning red. She hastily uncurled from her ‘model’ pose.
 
“I’m giving your sister some advice on how to work a room,” Eskild explained, as though it was obvious.
 
Even had to fight not to laugh. He caught Lea’s eye and she shrugged, grinning.
 
“Why would she need that?” pressed Isak. He was all flustered and confused and adorable.
 
“Well, you know, she’s at that age, now,” Eskild said knowingly. He stood up and draped an arm casually around Lea’s shoulder. “Soon she’s going to start getting invited to parties. Maybe meet some cute boys. She’ll need to know how to impress them.”
 
Lea giggled shyly when Eskild said the word ‘boys’, jostling her slightly. Isak, meanwhile, looked absolutely horrified at the prospect.
 
“No,” he shook his head vehemently, “she’s too young for all of that.”
 
“I’m almost fifteen, Isak,” Lea deadpanned.
 
“Yeah, Isak, she’s almost fifteen,” Eskild supported her.
 
Isak shook his head again. “You’re fourteen.”
 
“And what were you doing when you were fourteen?”
 
Eskild had a point, Even realised. He’d been the same age as Lea was now when he’d lost his virginity…which looking back seemed far, far too young. Isak had suddenly turned pale.
 
“She’s too young,” he asserted again. “Lea, don’t you have school to get to?”
 
His little sister huffed and rolled her eyes. She picked up her backpack and swung it over one shoulder.
 
“Bye Eskild, bye Even,” she paused at the door, narrowing her eyes at her brother, “…and that’s all.”
 
Eskild laughed and clapped his hands together as she left. “So sassy! I love her.”
 
Isak sighed. “I’m not leaving you alone with her anymore.”
 
“Don’t be jealous just because I’m giving my guru advising to someone else,” Eskild tutted. “There’s enough of me to go around.”
 
“What are you doing up this early, anyway?” Even asked with a grin, as Isak appeared to give up.
 
“I thought I might go to my early lecture, for once,” Eskild explained with a smirk. “The old professor just went on maternity leave, and apparently the replacement is really hot.”
 
“Really?”
 
“Yeah, I was just telling Lea about it,” Eskild continued. “The rumour is that he looks a bit like George Clooney.”
 
“Why were you discussing your hot professor with my kid sister?” Isak all but groaned.
 
Eskild waved him away. “I didn’t tell her anything she couldn’t look up on the internet.”
 
“Just remember she’s still in middle school, okay? We have to keep things PG around here for now.”
 
Even could see where Isak was coming from. The Kollektiv as a whole didn’t really have much of a filter when it came to ‘adult content’. Eskild most of all.
 
“Okay, fine,” Eskild rolled his eyes. “No need to get all dramatic.”
 
“I mean it! Until she goes home, no sex talk. And definitely no sex in the flat.”
 
“What!?” Eskild and Even said at the same time. The exchanged a brief, baffled glance with each other.
 
“Sorry,” Isak told Even sheepishly.
 
“Where’s my apology, Isak?” Eskild demanded. “Do you have any idea what this means?”
 
“It’s not just you,” Isak rationalised, “it’s all of us. Noora and Linn too.”
 
“Noora and Linn aren’t getting any right now. This won’t affect them,” Eskild complained. “But have you seen the guy I’ve been hooking up with lately?”
 
“Ismail?”
 
Eskild blinked in confusion. “Huh?”
 
“Wasn’t that his name? The guy you were with on New Year’s Day.”
 
“What? No, Isak, that was ages ago,” Eskild pulled out his phone and scrolled through a few pictures, before handing it to Isak. “That’s him, there. How am I supposed to say no to that?”
 
“Can’t you just go to his place?” Isak asked, handing the phone back.
 
“He lives in a dormitory on campus. With a roommate. A roommate who is always there.”
 
“Well, you’re just going to have to find another solution.”
 
Eskild sighed in defeat. He checked the time on his phone before pocketing it again.
 
“We’re going to keep talking about this,” he said, pointing a finger at Isak. “But for now, I’m late to see Professor Clooney. And you’re the one who needs to find another solution, Isak, otherwise your boyfriend is going to get blue balls.”
 
Even spluttered as Isak’s cheeks reddened.
 
“That’s not really a thing, Eskild!” Isak shouted after him, but the other boy had already gone.
 
“He’s pretty pissed,” Even observed, leaning back against the counter.
 
“She’s still a kid. I don’t want her to walk in on Eskild getting a blow job or something and get traumatised,” Isak said. He paused for a second. “You’re not mad at me, are you?”
 
“No,” Even replied honestly. He could definitely see where Isak was coming from. “Having Lea here is going to change things.”
 
Isak seemed relieved, releasing some of the tension in his shoulders. He rested his weight against Even, nuzzling into his neck. Lips grazing against sensitive skin gave him flashbacks to that time at the cabin.
 
“Besides,” he couldn’t resist teasing, “you’re really, really loud.”
 
He felt Isak grin, as he shoved him playfully in the stomach. “No I’m not.”
 
“Sure you are. Just ask Noora. And Mahdi.”
 
“Shut up,” Isak tickled him in the ribs, and he doubled over, laughing.
 
Noora walked into the kitchen, putting on a pair of earrings at the same time. She stopped and smiled broadly when she saw them tickling each other and giggling together in the corner.
 
“Seeing the two of you together honestly gives me hope, you know,” she told them, sounding perhaps a little bittersweet. “Real romance isn’t dead.”
 
Isak’s eyes poured into Even, making him feel warm from the inside out. They grinned at each other.
 
“Going to school?” Isak asked her. He untangled himself from Even and picked up his bag.
 
“Yeah,” his friend answered. “Walk together?”
 
Out on the street, Even actually jumped when he felt a warm hand press against his in the cold morning air. Noora continued to chat to them obliviously, as Even’s head automatically snapped towards Isak. He’d never wanted to hold his hand in public, before, on a crowded street at peak hour. His boyfriend pretended not to notice his surprise at first, still holding his hand until finally he did an exaggerated double-take.
 
“What?” he asked innocently, squeezing their palms against each other.
 
Even shook out of his stupor. As soon as he thought he’d figured out everything there was to know about the boy he loved, he’d go ahead and do something totally unexpected.
 
“Nothing,” Even laughed, squeezing his hand back.
 
They didn’t let go until they reached the school. There were a few puzzled - and even a few disproving - looks from strangers on the way, but Even could not have cared less. For the first time in their relationship, Isak was ready to show the world that Even was his.
 
***

10:34

Even’s phone started vibrating on the table, interrupting the song he was listening to. He pulled the single earpiece he was wearing out and recoiled when he saw the caller ID.
 
“Fuck,” he sat out loud, baffled. “Isak’s dad is calling me.”
 
Across from him, Anders put down the pen he was holding and rose an eyebrow. They’d worked out they had the same free period on a Friday earlier in the week, and had agreed to go to KB together for coffee and to study for an upcoming English test.
 
“Why would he have your number?” his friend asked confusedly.
 
“I gave it to him,” Even admitted. Anders’ other eyebrow went up and he sighed at the unvoiced question. “I didn’t think he’d actually use it!”
 
He’d felt so fucking bad for Terje on Thursday, wandering around the big empty house helplessly, searching for something useful and practical to do. Bad enough that before he left, he’d offered him his phone number out of sympathy, in case he needed to reach Isak or Lea, but couldn’t get onto them. He hadn’t thought much about it, but he was severally regretting the decision, now.
 
“Bro, you have to answer that,” said Anders seriously. “If you don’t, he’s going to think you’re super fucking rude.”
 
Even knew he was right. Why did he have to get himself into these situations? He pulled the headphones out and accepted the call, holding the phone to his ear.
 
“Hello?”
 
“Hello, Even. This is Terje Valtersen. Isak’s father.”
 
He had to refrain from reminding him that caller ID was a thing and he already kind of knew that.
 
“Hello,” he said again instead.
 
Terje cleared his throat into the phone. “I hope I’m not interrupting your day.”
 
“No, not at all,” he said politely. Anders was silently cracking up from across the table, so Even flipped him off. “I have a free period right now, so I was just studying with a friend.”
 
“Oh, okay,” the other man replied awkwardly. “I was just wondering how Lea is doing in the new place. I tried to call her this morning, but she wouldn’t answer. And Isak won’t reply to my texts either.”
 
The tone in Terje’s voice was making Even feel sorry for him again. He could definitely understand why Isak and Lea were reluctant to let their father into their lives after what happened, but as an outsider, he felt he could see things from Terje’s point of view as well. He’d made plenty of mistakes, but he still cared about his kids.
 
“I think she’s doing fine,” he said. “She probably didn’t answer because she’s at school. And I think Isak has a Chemistry lab right now, so…”
 
“So they both went to school,” Terje sounded surprised. “I wasn’t sure they would.”
 
“Well, you know Isak. He loves…school.”
 
This was so damn awkward. Anders clearly found it hilarious, his whole body shaking from the effort it took not to laugh. Even kicked him under the table.
 
“Is Isak visiting his mother on the weekend?” Terje asked.
 
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure he was going to head over there tomorrow.”
 
“I see,” Terje coughed again. “Tell him to call me later, would you?”
 
“I will,” Even promised, half-heartedly. He really didn’t want to get caught up in the tension between Isak and his father.
 
“Maybe the three of you could come over for dinner on Sunday.”
 
“Sure,” Even said hesitantly. “I’m not really sure what Isak’s doing, but…”
 
“It’s okay, Even. I don’t want to put you in an uncomfortable position.”
 
He’d already done that to himself, he conceded. Him and his damn empathetic nature.
 
“Anyway, thank you,” Terje continued stiffly, “for your number. And taking the call.”
 
“No problem.”
 
“I’m sure we’ll speak again soon.”
 
“Yeah, definitely.”
 
There was a prolonged, agonising silence. Even desperately racked his brain for a means of escape.
 
“I should probably get back to studying…” he tried, hoping Terje would take the hint.
 
“Yes, of course,” the other man said quickly. “You do that. I’ll uh…bye. Bye for now.”
 
“Bye,” Even hung up the phone as soon as possible, tossing it back onto the table. “Fuck.”
 
Anders finally let loose, laughing at him openly. “You’re an idiot. ‘You know Isak. He loves school’. That was too funny.”
 
“I didn’t know what to say!” Even exclaimed, though he was laughing now too. “I shouldn’t have given him my number.”
 
“You think?”
 
“He seemed sad. I wanted to help,” he confessed. “But, you’re right, it was really stupid. Now I have to tell Isak that his dad wants us to have dinner with him on the weekend.”
 
“Shit, good luck with that,” Anders shook his head, grinning. He took a sip of his coffee. “On the plus side, you probably just scored major points with his dad, then. And you’re going to need that.”
 
“What makes you think so?”
 
“It’s always awkward, isn’t it? Meeting dads. I don’t know how it works with two guys, but I can’t imagine it’s different than with a girl.”
 
Even had honestly never really thought about it. He’d gotten along pretty well with both of Sonja’s parents. He had no reason to suspect this would be any different.
 
“In my experience, mums tend to be a little bit more chill,” continued Anders. “But dads kind of know what young guys think about, don’t they? Because they’ve been there, thinking those same thoughts, too. So when you have dinner with Isak’s dad, he’s going to sit there being all polite and making small talk with you about the football or whatever, but really he’ll be struggling not to think about all the dirty shit you probably want to do - or have done - to his son.”
 
“Fucking hell, Anders,” Even laughed.
 
“It’s true!” his friend protested. “That’s why dads always end up hating you, a little bit, no matter how much you might get along. They don’t have a choice.”
 
Even considered how protective Isak had gotten over Lea that morning. He hoped to hell it wasn’t a family trait.
 
“Totally not freaking out about this dinner now,” he muttered. “Thanks for that.”
 
“No problem, buddy,” Anders smirked.
 
They attempted to get back into studying, but it only lasted for about five minutes.
 
“How’s shit with you, anyway?” Even asked when he got bored.
 
“I’ve got fuck all stories at the moment, man,” Anders shrugged. “Although…I did end up talking to my friend Hanna after the party last weekend. About, you know, the whole me kissing a guy thing.”
 
“I can’t imagine she’d have a problem with it,” Even said, remembering the way she’d led the chant for him and Isak to make out.
 
“That’s the main reason I was scared to tell her. She’s too supportive,” his friend laughed. “She’s already started planning matching rainbow outfits for us for Pride.”
 
“Wow, that’s taking it to a whole other level.”
 
“I could get her to make matching outfits for you and Isak, too,” he teased. “I’m sure she’d love it.”
 
“Yeah, no thanks,” Even grinned. “Isak would probably kill me.”
 
“He’d have good reason to,” Anders rubbed the back of his head. “She, uh, also was talking about maybe checking out some gay bars one weekend.”
 
Even smirked knowingly. “Is that something you’d be interested in, too?”
 
Anders leaned back in his seat, balancing on the back legs of his chair the way he did in class. His eyes darted around the room.
 
“I don’t know, man. I don’t really know where to go,” he laughed nervously. “I don’t suppose you’d know anywhere?”
 
“Not really,” Even confessed. He’d never actually been to a gay bar, before. “Isak’s housemate is pretty into the clubbing scene, though. I could ask him for recommendations?”
 
“Isak’s housemate is gay too?” Anders sounded surprised.
 
Even nodded.
 
“Is he hot?”
 
He spluttered. “I don’t really make a habit of checking out my boyfriend’s friends. But yeah, he’s good looking.”
 
“Interesting,” Anders mused. “Why don’t you invite him to show us around one night? And bring Isak too, obviously.”
 
“Are you sure? I’d have to tell Isak and Eskild you’re interested in men.”
 
“Yeah, fuck it,” Anders shrugged. “I already told my best friend. I don’t really care what anyone else thinks, at this point. May as well invite the whole damn school.”
 
“Cool,” Even laughed.
 
“So Eskild, huh?” Anders smirked. “Don’t suppose you have a picture?”
 
“No, I don’t have a picture. I don’t have Facebook, either, so I can’t look him up.”
 
“Ah well,” Anders winked. “It’ll be a mystery.”
 
***

20:13

“What time is Eskild getting home?” Even asked Noora as she retrieved a bottle of wine from the kitchen.
 
“He normally works until nine on Fridays,” she answered, “then he usually hits the clubs. Sometimes he comes home first for a bit, but not always.”
 
The sounds of hysterical laughing echoed from down the hall. Noora had organised a wine night with her girl squad ages ago, and since that was already happening, Isak had decided he may as well invite the boys over too. Lea had shyly hovered around the sidelines since everyone started arriving, watching them drink and listening to them talk with curiosity. She stuck close to Isak and Even mostly, and when Even had gone to the fridge for more beer, she’d taken the opportunity to follow him.
 
“Why do you ask?” Noora said, inspecting the label on the bottle.
 
“No reason.”
 
He wanted to tell Isak about it first, but he hadn’t gotten the chance to yet. Noora didn’t seem that bothered by it. She opened the bottle she was holding and gave it a sniff, turning her nose up at it.
 
“Can you do me a favour and tell me if this tastes weird?” she asked, handing it to Even. “I hardly ever drink, so I can’t tell if it’s just me or not.”
 
“Sure,” he laughed. He grabbed a glass and poured a tiny bit into it, swirling it around before he took a sip. He could feel Lea’s eyes following him the entire time. “Tastes fine to me.”
 
“Phew,” Noora sighed, taking the bottle back from him. “Wine night was starting to run really low on wine.”
 
“Can I try some?” Lea piped up suddenly.
 
Even and Noora nervously locked eyes with each other.
 
“Err…” they said in unison.
 
“Just a bit?” she pleaded with them. “I won’t get drunk. I promise.”
 
“How old is she again?” Noora asked in a whisper.
 
“Fourteen.”
 
“Maybe just a sip?” she gave the other girl a tiny smile, before turning back to Even for confirmation. “That can’t hurt, can it?”
 
“I guess not,” Even conceded. If they said no, she’d probably just try and steal some later, anyway.
 
Noora poured the tiniest sliver of liquid into a fresh glass and handed it to her. Lea studied it carefully, before tentatively pressing it to her lips. She winced as she gulped it down.
 
“It tastes sour,” she frowned. “I didn’t think it would be sour.”
 
Even laughed. “Your brother doesn’t really like wine, either.”
 
He rinsed the glass out for her in the sink, filling it up with water instead before passing it back to her. She smiled at him gratefully.
 
“Are you going with Isak to the hospital tomorrow?”
 
“Probably not,” he answered. “I’ll just hang around and do some schoolwork, that sort of thing.”
 
Lea nodded glumly. They’d decided it was best that she didn’t go and visit Marianne for the first couple of weeks she was staying in hospital, but Even could tell it was hard on her. With no mother to care for, she appeared to be at a loose end.
 
“You know, Lea, if you’re going to be bored tomorrow, you can always come shopping with me and my friends,” Noora offered with a kind smile. “We were planning on going in the afternoon.”
 
“Really?” Lea asked her dubiously.
 
“Sure! We might get lunch together, then try looking at a few different stores. It’ll just be me and the girls out there,” she gestured towards the living room. “You already know Eva, right?”
 
“Sort of,” the other girl shrugged. She gave Noora a shy smile. “That would actually be cool…hanging out with you guys. If you don’t mind.”
 
“We won’t mind,” Noora said encouragingly. “It’ll be fun.”
 
“Thanks,” Even whispered to his friend as they went to rejoin the others, “that was nice of you.”
 
“Happy to do it,” Noora patted his shoulder. “As much as you and Isak are there for her…sometimes girls just need other girls to do things with, you know?”
 
She sat on the couch near Eva, then gestured for Lea to come and sit between them. The younger girl seemed elated to be included in their conversation.
 
Isak was sitting on the floor, leaning back on his arms with his legs spread out in front of him. He’d been watching his drinking, since his sister was present, but his cheeks were still somewhat flushed and he was talking slightly louder than normal. Even sat behind him, and he leaned back into his chest, while still in the middle of a conversation with Sana.
 
“Jealous,” he smirked at her, when she rolled her eyes.
 
“You wish,” she smirked back. She turned her attention to Chris, Vilde and the other boys instead, who seemed to be embroiled in a discussion about where the best place to buy weed was in Oslo.
 
“I have something fun to tell you later,” Even murmured, lightly kissing his boyfriend’s forehead.
 
He heard Isak giggle. “Oh yeah? What is it?”
 
“Guess.”
 
“You found a way to soundproof and deadlock my bedroom?”
 
He looked up with a sly grin that made Even want to devour him then and there. He was so damn cute and sexy all the time, and yet somehow still didn’t seem to know it. It was going to be hard keeping to these new ‘house rules’.
 
“Not that fun,” Even admitted, though he wished it was. “I’ll give you a hint. It’s to do with Eskild. And my friend Anders.”
 
“You’re not trying to set them up, are you?” Isak said jokingly.
 
He was closer to the truth than he realised. When he didn’t answer straight away, Isak sat up and spun around to face him, eyes wide.
 
“Seriously?”
 
“Not exactly,” Even answered. “Anders just wants to meet him. He asked me if Eskild is hot.”
 
“So Anders is gay?”
 
“He’s not sure yet,” Even told him with a smile. “He wants Eskild to take him to see some gay bars. And he wants us to come along too.”
 
Isak took a moment to process this, expression reflecting the thoughts that were racing across his face. Finally, he laughed.
 
“Fuck. You can’t tell Eskild that Anders asked if he’s hot. Can you imagine his face? He’ll be insufferable.”
 
“You’re right,” Even agreed. “We’ll keep that between us.”
 
Isak leaned back on his chest again, staring straight ahead. Even was having a hard time telling what was on his mind.
 
“So this soundproofing idea…” he said, trying to sound nonchalant as he grazed his lips against Isak’s temples again.
 
His boyfriend laughed. He tiled his head and placed his fingers underneath Even’s chin, bringing their lips together in a chaste kiss.
 
***

Saturday, 28 January, 2017

19:46

Isak came back much later than expected. After visiting his mother that morning, he’d been overly quiet and tense, not wanting to do much except sit on the bed and watch Even play FIFA. When Mahdi had texted, asking if Isak wanted to go to the gym with him, Even had encouraged him to go, hoping getting out of the house might improve his mood. It seemed to have worked; he was looking a lot more relaxed than he had been a few hours ago.
 
“How’s Mum?” Lea asked the second her brother walked in. She was sitting on the floor in front of the TV between Linn’s legs, while the older girl braided her hair.
 
They hadn’t crossed paths since Lea left to go shopping with Noora and the girls. The two of them had come home a few hours ago, arms laden with half a dozen bags or so.
 
Isak shrugged. “No different than on Thursday. She has her own room now, though.”
 
“That’s something,” Lea said hopefully, eyes still on the TV.
 
Isak took off his jacket and tossed it onto the back of the couch. The muscles in his toned arms were bulging slightly after lifting weights. Even suddenly lost interest in the sketches he’d been working on. The pencil he’d been shading with slid out of his grasp.
 
“What smells like boy sweat in here?” Eskild said teasingly, as he came out of his bedroom. He’d been getting ready to go to the bars, and smelt distinctly of cologne.
 
“I just got back from the gym, give me a break,” Isak rolled his eyes.
 
“Eskild, you look so handsome,” Lea grinned up at him.
 
Eskild seemed genuinely elated. “Thank you, little one. I like what Linn is doing to your hair. Very Middle Earth chic.”
 
“Almost done,” Linn frowned in concentration as she twisted a blonde curl around her finger.
 
Isak leaned over the couch, wrapping his arms around Even’s shoulders in greeting. He was definitely sweaty, but Even didn’t have a problem with it in the slightest.
 
“Lea, what the hell are you wearing?” his boyfriend asked, when he noticed the new black dress his sister had on.
 
“The girls helped me pick it out today,” she answered cheerfully. Admittedly, it might have been a little more low cut than anything else she’d worn in the past. Isak looked uncomfortable.
 
“You’re not old enough to wear stuff like that.”
 
Lea sighed heavily. “Isak, just because I want to look nice, doesn’t mean I am asking to be objectified by the male gaze.”
 
She really had been spending the day with Noora. Even fought hard not to laugh.
 
“Huh?” Isak blinked in confusion. “What are you talking about?”
 
“Your overprotectiveness of me is a result of unrealistic gender expectations, enforced by the patriarchy,” she explained, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.
 
“Yeah, Isak, check your privilege,” Eskild laughed, clearly having the time of his life with this.
 
“Ugh, whatever,” Isak sighed, releasing Even from his hold. “I’m taking a shower.”
 
“We’re out of hot water,” Linn told him without looking up from Lea’s hair.
 
Isak sighed again.
 
“Anyway, I should get going,” Eskild checked his watch, “I was supposed to meet my friends an hour ago. Linn, this is your last chance to come.”
 
“No thanks,” she replied. “There’s just way too much happening here. I couldn’t possibly.”
 
They all looked around the room - at the absolute nothing that was happening - and shrugged.
 
“Eskild, remember the house rule!” Isak shouted after his housemate as he left.
 
“What, Isak? I can’t hear you!” he called back mischievously.
 
Even followed Isak into the bedroom shortly after, which given the current state of the ‘house rule’ was probably a bad idea. He watched as Isak took off his shirt and tossed it onto the floor. Sweat still glistened on his pale chest, and his black jeans hung low around his hips.
 
“Good workout?” Even tried to ask casually, though his voice sounded much thicker than normal.
 
Isak didn’t seem to notice, turning to face him with a grin. “I can bench press almost twice my weight now.”
 
“Impressive,” he touched one of Isak’s biceps. The skin was soft and warm. He couldn’t help staring.
 
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Isak laughed shyly. He leaned in so that their chests were almost touching.
 
“Why do you think?”
 
Even slowly backed his boyfriend up towards the wall, but he didn’t seem to mind. Making out a little wasn’t against the ‘house rule’, surely? It was totally harmless. He kissed him passionately, and felt Isak kiss him back just as hungrily. Gently took of hold of his wrists and pressed them against the wall, above his head.
 
“We should probably stop,” he rationalised, regretting the words as soon as they left his mouth.
 
“Probably,” Isak said breathlessly. His cheeks were flushed, eyes heavily laden with lust. He tilted his head towards Even to ask for another kiss, and Even felt he had no choice but to oblige.
 
He kissed his way down his boyfriend’s neck. Licked some of the sweat off his chest, his tongue grazing over a nipple, making Isak shudder.
 
“Definitely need to stop,” Even tried to convince himself. He sucked on the spot on Isak’s neck, that he knew always drove him crazy.
 
“Baby,” he heard Isak groan, and he grinned against his skin.
 
“I love it when you call me baby.”
 
He rubbed the erection through Isak’s jeans, felt his boyfriend grind back against his hand. This really was taking it too far. Stopping now was the responsible thing to do, right? Right? But Isak felt so good, and he looked so desperate for it, and eager, and…
 
…And Lea was literally right down the hall.
 
“What’s wrong?” Isak asked when Even suddenly pulled back.
 
“You should probably take that shower.”
 
His boyfriend opened his mouth to protest, then seemed to remember the rule he had come up with in the first place.
 
“A cold shower,” he sighed.
 
Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing that they were out of hot water. There was still a bulge in the front of Isak’s jeans. He grabbed a jacket and tied it around his waist, in a futile attempt to hide it, on his way to the bathroom.
 
***

Sunday, 29 January, 2017

18:42

“I still can’t believe my dad called you,” Isak cringed, as they arrived out the front of Terje’s apartment.
 
Even laughed it off. “It was a little bit awkward.”
 
“Welcome to the Valtersen family,” Lea said with a wan smile. “Everything for us is a little bit awkward.”
 
Even grinned back at her. She was wearing another new outfit she’d bought with the girls, her hair still styled in braids from when Linn had done it for her last night. He had a feeling that Terje would hardly recognise his daughter.
 
The apartment complex was stylish and modern, in a part of the city usually reserved for wealthy, childless couples who spent more time abroad than they did at home. A stark contrast to the neighbourhood that Isak and Lea had grown up in. Even didn’t want to feel anxious about what was supposed to be a casual family meal, but unfortunately it seemed the conversation with Anders had gotten under his skin. Would Isak’s dad just have to hate him on principle?
 
During the elevator ride, he studied the bottle of wine he’d brought (which had been Noora’s suggestion), and started to wonder if maybe it wasn’t the smartest idea. Terje might think he was a boozer or something, who was a bad influence on kids. Now he was definitely overthinking it.
 
“Don’t look so worried,” Lea poked him in the arm. “You’re starting to make me freak out, and he’s my dad.”
 
Even laughed nervously. Isak reached for his hand, entwining their fingers together, and gave him a reassuring smile.
 
Terje answered the door seconds after they knocked. If he was as nervous as Even felt, he certainly knew how to hide it.
 
“Welcome,” he smiled at them. It was the kind of smile that belonged to a man who didn’t really know if he should be smiling or not.
 
He stood back to allow them inside, and Even took in his surroundings. Bare white walls. Furniture that looked like it belonged in a model home. More space than really seemed necessary for one person. The living area alone appeared to be almost the size of his entire apartment at home. Even wasn’t sure what Terje did for a living, but it was evident that he earned a decent wage.
 
He hugged both of his children on the way in, which had to be about one of the most awkward hugs Even had ever witnessed. He did a double take when he saw his daughter.
 
“Lea, have you done something different to your hair?”
 
She touched one of the braids. “Isak’s housemate did it for me. I have new clothes too.”
 
Terje eyed her suspiciously, the way Isak had done. “Isn’t that look a little too old for you?”
 
Lea rolled her eyes as Even grinned. Isak had picked up more traits from his father than he’d probably ever want to admit.
 
“Good to see you again, Even,” Terje extended a hand to him. His grip was just as firm as he remembered.
 
“You too, Terje,” Even flashed what he hoped was his most charming smile. “I brought you some wine.”
 
He handed Isak’s father the bottle, and the other man momentarily appeared startled. Perhaps it had been a bad idea after all. Damn Noora and her damn advice.
 
“Well, thank you,” Terje remarked once he’d recovered, inspecting the label. “Australian Shiraz. Very good.”
 
“Even’s nineteen,” Isak explained, in the middle of taking off his coat. “Just so you know.”
 
It hadn’t occurred to him that Terje would assume he and Isak were the same age. He’d probably been wondering how the hell Even had managed to buy alcohol.
 
“Oh, I see,” Terje cleared his throat. “Well, come inside. Let’s open it up.”
 
Now, in addition to being seen as the guy who was fucking Terje’s only son, Even was also the older guy who could buy him drinks. Great. This was going so well.
 
“It’s a pretty big apartment,” said Lea, as she surveyed her surroundings. This was the first time she’d been to visit her father since he left home. A huge step for her.
 
“It was the best I could find at short notice,” Terje answered. He stood in front of the island kitchen counter, studying the wine again before he locked eyes with Even. “I went to Australia many years ago, you know, for a medical conference. These two were probably too young to remember that.”
 
“That’s cool,” Even smiled at him. “I’ve always wanted to go there.”
 
“Is that so?”
 
He nodded. “My favourite director is Australian.”
 
Isak set the grocery bags they’d brought over on the kitchen counter. “We brought stuff to make pasta. I hope that’s okay.”
 
When his boyfriend suggested they do the cooking, Even had been more than happy to agree. It was something he knew he was actually pretty good at, and he’d do anything to show Terje that he was going to be a good partner for Isak.
 
“Isak tells me you’re quite the chef,” Terje said.
 
Even laughed. “My dad taught be how to cook. I’ve been helping him out ever since I was a little kid.”
 
He’d loved all those lazy Sundays with his father, going to markets in the morning and then spending the afternoon trying out new recipes in the kitchen. It had been their way of bonding with each other. And he was especially grateful for it now. He set about preparing the food with Isak helping him locate the things he needed. It was a really impressive kitchen, with much more space and better utensils than he was used to.
 
“You must be close to finishing school if you’re nineteen,” Terje said as he cracked open the wine.
 
Even supposed there was no way Isak had told his father about his past, yet. Likely that was for the best.
 
“Yeah, I’ll graduate this year.”
 
“And what are you planning on doing after that?”
 
Terje poured two glasses of wine and handed one to Even, but didn’t offer any to Isak. HIs boyfriend cast him a tiny, amused smile as he chopped ingredients.
 
“I’m applying to a few different universities,” Even explained. “I want to study film, and eventually become a director.”
 
Terje seemed puzzled by this. “That’s very ambitious of you. The film industry is extremely competitive.”
 
He felt Isak cringe next to him. In truth, he didn’t mind. He was used to this sort of reaction from people about his future plans.
 
“I know,” he said, “but I still think it’s worth a shot. It’s what I’m passionate about. If I don’t at least try I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.”
 
Terje studied him contemplatively. He honestly wasn’t sure what the other man thought about this, but he had to be honest with him.
 
“Even’s creative, Dad,” Isak told his father. “He does illustrations and plays guitar, too.”
 
“Impressive,” Terje nodded seriously. “You’ll have to show me some of your work, sometime.”
 
“Sure,” Even laughed.
 
Lea walked over and peered into the simmering pan of sauce Even was making. She took a spoon and tried some of it, grinning up at him.
 
“Did you know that Isak wants to be a molecular biologist?” Terje asked him.
 
“I actually didn’t know that,” Even smiled at his boyfriend, who had started blushing.
 
“That was ages ago,” Isak laughed awkwardly. “I’m not really sure, anymore.”
 
“Isak’s a giant nerd, basically,” Lea teased.
 
“Shut up!”
 
It was one of the reasons Even had fallen in love with Isak. Beneath the front he projected, was this sweet, nerdy guy who was genuinely fascinated by the world around him and how it worked. Who got excited reading about scientific discoveries on the internet. Who laughed at biology puns with Sana. Who cared deeply about everybody, and even more so about the important people in his life. More so than he was willing to let on.
 
“What do you do for work, Terje?” he asked with interest.
 
“I’m an obstetrician.”
 
Even had heard the word before - knew it was a doctor of some kind - but was ashamed to admit he really had no idea what it meant.
 
“He delivers babies,” Isak explained, probably having caught Even’s confused expression.
 
“Oh!” Even nodded. Somehow, given what he knew about Terje so far, that made sense. He had the clinical professionalism of someone used to dealing with a lot of patients.
 
“Well, that’s not all I do,” Terje corrected, “but yes, it is a large part of it.”
 
It explained why he clearly seemed to have a lot of money as well.
 
“What got you interested in that line of work?”
 
“My father was a doctor, and his father before him. My brother and sister are doctors too, and both my nephews are in medical school. It’s more or less tradition in our family.”
 
“I’m not going to be a doctor,” Lea interjected. “I’m going to do something different.”
 
Terje smiled at her fondly. “As long as you can pay your bills.”
 
Even turned the heat down on the sauce. “Okay, I think this is ready.”
 
They sat down around the table soon afterwards, and Terje began to quiz his children about something he’d read in the papers to do with the Syrian conflict. Isak was in the process of rolling his eyes when Even chimed in with an actual opinion, startling them all.
 
“My mum is a bit of a news junkie,” he explained when the Valtersens all stared at him. “I watch the news with her, most days.”
 
Terje’s face lit up with instant approval, which made Even feel like he was suddenly the biggest winner on the planet. Terje took a bite of the pasta.
 
“This is good,” he said, smiling between Even and his son. “I like this.”
 
Even had the impression he wasn’t just talking about the food.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Monday, 30 January, 2017

07:54

“So I’ve been thinking,” Even said as he shampooed his hair, “maybe we should both skip school today.”
 
Isak laughed, the sound echoing through the bathroom. “What’s with you and wanting to skip school lately?”
 
Even shrugged, rinsing his head under the water. With six people currently living in a three-person apartment, they’d decided to start showering together in order to save on the limited supply of hot water. Given the current ‘house rule’ Isak had no choice but to enforce, though, the joint shower was more a strange form of torture. It had literally only been four days, and he was already dying.
 
Even smiled at him, his wet fringe plastered to his forehead in the most adorable way. “Well, Lea and Noora will be at school all day, and Linn and Eskild both have to work, so…”
 
He raised a very good point. Isak shook his head reluctantly.
 
“I can’t. I’m already so close to fucking up my ten percent.”
 
“I’m starting to think you like school more than you like me,” his boyfriend teased.
 
“No, I’m just being responsible,” Isak jabbed him in the chest. “One of us has to be.”
 
He turned around to grab the soap and felt Even’s warm, wet body press against him.
 
“I love that you’re responsible,” Even’s lips smiled slightly as he kissed along Isak’s neck and shoulder.
 
He’d said a couple of things like that over the past few days. I love it when you call me baby. I love that you wanted to be a molecular biologist, and a rapper, and a pro skateboarder. I love how much you care about your sister. Isak didn’t want to be guilty of reading into it too much. He knew Even probably didn’t mean it like that, but every time he used the ‘L word’, his heart stopped for a second.
 
He leaned backwards so he could reach his boyfriend’s lips. Felt Even’s hard dick poking his lower back.
 
There was a sharp rapping on the bathroom door. “Will you guys hurry up in there? I’m going to be late for my stupid job.”
 
Fucking Linn. Isak groaned.
 
“Two minutes, okay?” he shouted.
 
He handed Even the soap and let his boyfriend’s soapy fingers run all over him. Shower Even was his favourite Even, Isak decided. Wet, naked, soapy Even. He wanted to bend over, press his hands against the wall, and let his boyfriend take him then and there. He couldn’t resist grinding back onto him, and heard his breath catch.
 
“If we’re out of hot water again, I am going to kill you both!” Linn called out as she banged on the door a second time.
 
“Okay! Fine!”
 
He reached over and turned the taps off. Even grabbed a towel and wrapped it around both their waists. He grinned at him.
 
“What are you so happy about?” Isak said in bewilderment. “This sucks.”
 
Even kissed him, long and slow. He was still hard, underneath the towel.
 
“Yeah, but think about how good it will be when we can finally do it.”
 
Isak smiled back. That was for damn sure. He was building up a bank of so many ideas. He was going to let Even do all of them.
 
“Isak!” Linn kicked the door with her foot this time.
 
“Fuck! Okay!” Isak yelled. “We’re done.”
 
At least they had to be for now.
 
***

13:29

“So Vilde has done some investigative work,” Magnus announced proudly as they all sat around their regular lunch table, “and she’s figured out what the deal is with the ‘Hi, Isak’ girls.”
 
“Oh good, that was keeping me up at night,” Mahdi said dryly, before tucking into a plate of waffles.
 
Jonas laughed, but Isak wasn’t really paying attention. He kept glancing over to where Even was sitting with Anders and his small squad of boys. They normally ate lunch together with Isak’s friends. But today, Even had texted during class to ask if it was okay if he hung out with some other people during the break. Of course Isak had said it was fine. Of course he wasn’t going to get jealous, or insecure, because that was stupid. Of course Even should have his own friends. It was no big deal.
 
So why couldn’t he stop looking over there?
 
“Apparently,” continued Magnus, oblivious to the fact that his friend’s mind was clearly somewhere else, “most of the first year girls are desperate to have a gay best friend. So Isak is like, the hot commodity around here.”
 
“Huh?” Jonas seemed confused. “Why would they want to be friends with Isak just because he’s gay?”
 
“I don’t know,” Magnus shrugged, “so they can talk about hot guys, maybe? Who knows?”
 
“But that’s stereotyping,” Jonas pointed out. “They didn’t want to be friends with him when he was straight. So they don’t have any interest in him as a person, obviously.”
 
Magnus grinned. “Look at you, man, being all PC.”
 
“I just fucking hate that shit!” Jonas gestured with his arms, laughing. “It pisses me off when people think that way.”
 
Isak rested his head on his fist. His boyfriend looked so happy, he observed, surrounded by all those people. The thought of someone else making Even happy pissed him off, even though he knew that was really shitty and selfish.
 
“Maybe you should take your message into politics,” Mahdi joked.
 
“Yeah,” Magnus smirked. “Jonas for Prime Minister!”
 
Jonas was outraged. “I’m not working for the fucking government.”
 
Anders put a hand on Even’s shoulder and said something that made him laugh. Isak’s throat felt dry.
 
“Is Even going to be on their bus now?” asked Magnus, following Isak’s line of vision.
 
Isak snapped back to reality. “Huh?”
 
“Vilde says that they’re on a bus,” Magnus gestured towards Anders and his squad. “Plus the dance chicks.”
 
“You don’t say,” Mahdi said interestedly. “I don’t get how that Anders guy is single. I mean he’s friends with all those beautiful girls.”
 
“I do,” Isak said without thinking.
 
His friends all stared at him, perplexed.
 
“What do you mean?” asked Mahdi.
 
Isak couldn’t come up with a legitimate answer. He tried to shrug it off, but it was already too late. He watched his friends’ expressions change one by one as they slowly cottoned on to what was happening.
 
“Is that why you’re being all quiet today?” said Jonas. “You don’t think there’s…”
 
“No, I don’t,” Isak forced a smile, cutting his friend off hastily. “I trust Even.”
 
He did trust Even. More than anybody else. It was just that he didn’t trust Anders.
 
He was no longer alone in staring down the group of guys at the other end of the room. His three friends joined in on the show, observing the older boys silently for a few minutes.
 
“I’m being stupid,” he eventually said to no one in particular.
 
“No, it makes sense,” Magnus replied sympathetically. “If good looking straight guy started hanging around Vilde and getting really close with her, I’d be a bit worried. Even if I didn’t really think there was anything going on.”
 
It actually made Isak feel better to hear that. That his feelings were normal, and not completely irrational. He smiled gratefully.
 
“Maybe Even isn’t Anders’ type?” Jonas offered, trying to be helpful.
 
“Even is probably every dude’s type, though. The guy looks like a fucking model,” Mahdi said, then appeared to feel guilty for it immediately. “Shit. Sorry.”
 
“It’s a fair point,” Isak conceded.
 
They returned to watching the other group. Even didn’t appear to notice his audience, listening intently and laughing along with the conversation. Laughing at Anders, again. Isak really hated that he was apparently so funny.
 
“You should go over there right now and make out with Even in front of Anders,” Magnus suggested. “Just as a reminder, or something.”
 
“No! He can’t do that,” Jonas protested. “It’ll look bad. He has to handle this completely chill.”
 
“Why don’t you try setting Anders up with someone else?” said Mahdi. “My older brother once thought one of his friends had a thing for his old girlfriend. So he turned into the best wingman of all time and got his friends heaps of dates as a distraction.”
 
That actually wasn’t a terrible idea. Anders did ask about Eskild. Maybe that could work?
 
“Or, you know, you could just try talking to Even about it honestly?” Jonas said, as though it was the obvious solution.
 
Magnus and Mahdi exchanged an amused glance.
 
“Yeah, Jonas,” the latter sniggered, “in what universe has that ever worked?”
 
***

17:45

Isak stood in the kitchen doorway, watching Eskild rummage through the fridge. He pulled out some fishcakes and sniffed them suspiciously.
 
“What are you doing on Saturday night?”
 
The older boy yelped, his whole body jolting upwards. He clutched at his chest.
 
“Fuck, Isak! You scared the shit out of me.”
 
“Sorry,” Isak replied sheepishly. He gave Eskild a few minutes to calm down before he repeated the question. “What are you doing on Saturday night?”
 
“Probably the usual,” his housemate set the fishcakes on the counter and sighed, “except I guess I won’t be getting laid, thanks to your rules, but it’s fine. I’m not bitter about it, or anything.”
 
He stared at him seriously, but broke out into a smile after a while. Isak couldn’t help smiling back.
 
“How would you feel about taking a few extra people out with you?” he asked nervously.
 
Eskild stopped what he was doing and whirled around to face Isak, dramatically. His eyes were wide and brimming with excitement.
 
“Isak Valtersen,” he exclaimed, “are you implying that you want me to take you to a gay bar?”
 
Isak spluttered, feeling his cheeks heat up.
 
“It’s not for me! It’s for a…friend.”
 
“Uh huh. Sure. Whatever you want to say,” Eskild was beaming. “I always knew this day would come, but I never suspected it would be so soon. Of course I’ll be your teacher into the gay scene, little buddy. Haven’t I always said so?”
 
God damn Eskild. This was worse than Isak had thought.
 
“Yes, okay,” he rolled his eyes, “but it really is for a friend. Even has this friend at school who wants to meet men.”
 
He still felt a little uncomfortable talking about stuff like this so openly. Eskild rose both eyebrows in surprise.
 
“Really? So this guy decided to come out after you and Even became a couple?” Eskild paused, until Isak nodded. “Fuck, why didn’t anything fun like that ever happen to me in high school?”
 
“Anyway, look, he asked Even about you-”
 
“About me?” Eskild’s eyes sparkled.
 
“-and he wanted to know if maybe you could show him around a few bars and clubs, because he doesn't know where to go, and-”
 
“Why did he ask about me?”
 
Isak sighed. “You came up in conversation.”
 
Eskild was clearly loving this. He leaned against the counter, arms crossed over his chest. “And what did Even tell him about me?”
 
“That you’re the most annoying person in the history of the planet,” Isak smirked.
 
“Is he hot?”
 
Isak laughed. “He asked the same thing about you, actually.”
 
He hadn’t wanted to tell Eskild this at first, but after hearing Mahdi’s advice at lunch, he wasn’t completely opposed to pushing the his housemate and Anders together.
 
Eskild’s lips split into a wide grin. “Really?”
 
“Eskild…”
 
“And what did Even say? Did he show him my pictures?”
 
“I don’t know, Eskild.”
 
“So this baby gay could be interested in moi. How cute!”
 
“Eskild!” Isak shouted.
 
He was started to regret his decision to tell Eskild this already. He wanted to get Anders away from Even, but maybe he’d inadvertently opened up a whole mess, here. He should have kept his mouth shut.
 
“Yes, Isak?” Eskild asked innocently.
 
“Just…don’t be too overbearing, okay? Be nice to him,” Isak said guiltily.
 
“What are you talking about? I’m never overbearing,” Eskild argued, while Isak narrowed his eyes at him. “Okay. Fine. I’ll keep it toned down. But if he’s hot and he tries to flirt with me, I can’t make any promises.”
 
Isak grinned. “That’s really the best I can ask for.”
 
***

Tuesday, 31 January, 2017

16:18

Isak was surprised to find Even waiting for him when he emerged from the locker rooms after soccer training. His boyfriend didn’t normally wait around for him this late on Tuesday afternoons. In a way, however, he was almost used to being surprised by Even now.
 
“What are you doing here?” he asked with a shy laugh.
 
Some of the other boys were slowly making their way out of the school gym, freshly showered and sports bags thrown over one shoulder. A few of them stopped to stare at Even and Isak as they passed.
 
“I felt like seeing you,” Even’s blue eyes twinkled a bit as he smiled, and Isak suddenly felt giddy.
 
“We’re turning into one of those couples who have to see each other all the time,” he joked.
 
His boyfriend grinned. “I don’t have a problem with it if you don’t.”
 
He took hold of Isak’s hands, playing with them a bit, entwining their fingers together in different patterns. It was sweet. He was sweet, hanging back here late just because he wanted to see him. It made Isak feel warm from the inside out…until he felt a pair of eyes lingering on them for just a little too long. They belonged to a second year guy on his team, that he had known since middle school. It wasn’t the look of someone who was simply curious or interested in the gossip, which Isak was more than used to at this point. There was something about it that seemed far more intense. More sinister.
 
“Let’s get out of here,” he said as levelly as possible.
 
He allowed Even to keep holding his hand as they left the school. Tried his best not to think about ‘the look’. It was probably just in his imagination, anyway.
 
“Eskild is way too excited about this weekend,” he said as a means of distraction.
 
Even laughed. “You told him about it already?”
 
“Last night,” he smiled at him. “He’s been texting me links to different bars and clubs all day. It’s driving me insane.”
 
“Sounds like it’s going to be a big night. Anders has been acting cool, but I can tell he’s really looking forward to it, too.”
 
Isak stuffed his hands into his jacket pockets, including the one that was still entwined with Even’s.
 
“Cold,” he explained, as they automatically found themselves standing closer together. “Imagine if Eskild and Anders hooked up.”
 
He said it casually, but he was more interested in gaging Even’s reaction than he let on.
 
“You never know,” his boyfriend shrugged nonchalantly. “Stranger things have happened.”
 
They cut through the park near the school, which was mostly empty now that the sun had set. It occurred to Isak that he had no idea where they were going.
 
“Has Eskild said anything about whether you’ll be able to get in?” Even asked, perhaps a little anxiously.
 
Isak had been somewhat worried about that, too. It would be humiliating getting turned down at the door.
 
“He says he knows people, so it shouldn’t be a problem. Also, it’s not like it’s the first time I’ve been to one of these places.”
 
Even was momentarily taken aback. “Seriously?”
 
“I told you that,” Isak reminded him. “That’s how I met Eskild. In a bar.”
 
“You didn’t tell me it was a gay bar.”
 
He’d been so drunk he could barely stand, sitting alone in a dark corner on what was probably his hundredth beer. All of a sudden Eskild had materialised out of nowhere, saying all this stuff about Instagram and Noora and how coming out of the closet was a difficult journey, or something of the sort. There was still a huge gap in his memory between that, and waking up the next morning in the basement at the Kollektiv. Eskild bringing him a takeaway coffee and some bread from a nearby bakery, while trying to reassure him that everything was fine. He’d been a total stranger, then. But in every possible way, he was exactly who Isak needed to run into that night. At his lowest point, it was Eskild who told him the one thing he desperately wanted to hear.

You can stay here for as long as you need, okay? I won’t tell a soul.

“Does it really matter if it was a gay bar or not?” he asked, trying to keep his tone lighthearted.
 
He didn’t like thinking about that night. About how alone and lost he’d felt, sitting in that bar. Knowing he couldn’t possibly go home, but having literally nowhere else he could think to go. His friendship with Eva was still on the rocks. Jonas’ parents would take him in, but there would have been a lot of questions he didn’t want to deal with. And there was no way in hell he could have faced his father. If Eskild hadn’t come along, who knows where the fuck he would have ended up?
 
“It doesn’t matter,” Even said, though he looked concerned.
 
Isak averted his gaze. Most of all, he didn’t want to think about the circumstances that had led him to that bar, in the first place. They filled him with a shame he didn’t think he could ever possibly erase.
 
“It’s fucking freezing,” he grinned, spinning around to face his boyfriend and walking backwards. He grabbed his other hand, so that he was holding both between him. “Do you want to go back to my place?”
 
He could tell there was more that Even wanted to say, but he decided against it. He tugged on Isak’s hands, pulling them closer together.
 
“Soon,” he whispered. “But…maybe we need just a few more minutes, first. Of it being just us.”
 
Between Even’s parents at his apartment, and the five people currently living at the Kollektiv, ‘just us’ was becoming increasingly rare, lately. He smiled as he kissed him, Even’s skin warm against the cold winter air.
 
“Okay,” he agreed softly, “a few more minutes.”
 
***

Wednesday, 1 February, 2017

15:54

The night Isak moved out of his family home was the night he had made the biggest mistake of his life.
 
He and his mother had been arguing almost every day. When he came home with bruises or a busted lip from fighting the Yakuza guys, she’d follow him around the house or stand outside his bedroom door, reading passages from the bible about the sin of violence. The day he had received the summons to court, to testify against William, was the worst of all. He couldn’t stand it anymore. He was sick of hearing her self-righteous, hypocritical voice. He was sick of having to tiptoe around her feelings, for fear of her becoming stressed again. It was all her fault. Everything was always her fault.
 
On that night, he had really, truly hated her.
 
“I’m going to call your father!” she yelled as she followed him up the stairs, waving the court summons in her hand. “We’ll see what he has to say about this.”
 
“Fucking go ahead!” he’d shouted back, still marching towards his bedroom. “He won’t take your call. He doesn’t want anything to do with you, anymore. Or me. Or Lea.”
 
It occurred to him, much later, that his sister had been in her room next door at the time, and had probably heard the entire thing.
 
Marianne stamped her foot, a loud thud echoing throughout the house. “You’re wrong!”
 
They reached the door to his bedroom, and Isak spun around to face her, blocking her from entering.
 
“He’s gone. He left us,” he said vehemently. “It’s been six months. I can’t protect you from that anymore. You need to stop being so fucking delusional.”
 
He tried to slam the door closed, but she jammed her foot in between to stop it, struggling to push back against him. There was a time - perhaps only a few years ago - when she’d been stronger than him. But those days had long since past.
 
“Don’t talk to me that way! I’m your mother, and you are sinning against God.”
 
“I don’t believe in God. And I’ll talk to you however I want.”
 
He managed to push her back far enough so he could close the door. There were no locks on the doors in their house, though, and she kicked it open again just as quickly. He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, but part of him had hoped she’d go away and leave him alone. He could sense the anger inside boiling, brimming to the surface. He was always so damn angry, back then.
 
“Give me your phone, Isak,” she demanded. She only ever called him Isak when she was mad, or or worried about him. He was ‘Issy’ the rest of the time. “I’m calling your father right now. He needs to know what a sinner you are.”
 
She snatched it off his desk before he had a chance to get to it first. Suddenly, the anger had turned to fear.
 
“Put that down!”
 
He knew what she was going to find when she unlocked his phone. He’d forgotten to close it down and wipe his browser history, again (why the fuck was it so hard for him to remember?).
 
“I’m warning you!” he tired to make his voice sound threatening, but it came out more desperate than anything else. “Put that down right now!”
 
The pornographic video he’d watched earlier started to play automatically, shortly after his phone screen lit up. The soft, tinny sound of two men moaning erotically released from the speakers. Marianne’s green eyes grew wide.
 
“Isak…”
 
He grabbed at the phone in her hand roughly, and she relinquished it without a struggle. He stopped the video. It had only played for about ten seconds, but he knew that was more than enough.
 
To this day, Isak wasn’t sure why he did what he did next. Perhaps it was a form of self-defence. Perhaps he was still in shock, and this was the first thought to pop into his head. Whatever the reason, it was now the source of his greatest shame.
 
“You’re a psycho, do you know that?” he screamed at his mother. “You’re a fucking crazy person. You think everyone is a sinner who is going to hell, but you’re the one who has done everything wrong. You drove Dad away from you because you’re nuts, and I bet he’s thankful that he doesn’t have to deal with you anymore.”
 
Marianne didn’t react. She stood next to his desk, her hand still cupped as though she was holding the phone, studying him unblinkingly.
 
“Why can’t you just be fucking normal, for once? I hate you,” he spat at her. “I mean it. I hate you.”
 
He wished she would do something. Say something. Anything. Get angry, or cry, or swear at him. Call him a sinner, or a filthy homo. Slap him in the face, even. But she did nothing at all, and for Isak, that was the worst thing she could have done. 
 
He laughed bitterly, shaking his head. “I can’t be bothered with this, anymore.”
 
He hastily gathered a handful of things and left. She didn’t try to stop him.
 
***
 
“I brought some of my school reports to show you,” Isak told his mother, sliding a handful of papers onto her lap. “Dad thinks you might like to see them.”
 
Marianne stared down at them for a long moment. She looked up at him slowly, her smile practically bovine.
 
“I got a six in Biology last semester,” he pointed to a spot on the page, “and a five in Chemistry. You can see it there.”
 
Her fingers traced a line across the place he had touched. “You were always so smart, Issy.”
 
It was the first thing she’d said to him in the hour he’d been there. He smiled at her half-heartedly. “I get that from you, remember?”
 
The nurses had warned him that she might seem ‘a little out of it’ when he stopped by after school, but nothing could have prepared Isak for this. He’d found his mother slumped in the chair next to her bed, in her tiny beige bedroom, watching the light snow falling on her windowsill. Something about the way she was sitting made her look so very small, to him.
 
“It’s good that they moved you out of the critical care unit,” he told her. “That must mean you’re getting better. And you have your own room now, which is good.”
 
“They took my rosary beads away,” she said suddenly. “Why did they do that?”
 
Patients at the hospital weren’t allowed anything that might be used for self-harm. Isak never considered that rosary beads, of all things, could fall under that category. He hastily pushed any dark mental pictures away.
 
“I’m sure they had a good reason for it. You’ll get them back when you go home.”
 
Marianne’s lips quivered slightly. “I don’t know where home is, anymore.”
 
Home to Marianne had never been their house, Isak realised, and it never would be. Home to her was that plaque she loved so much, still stuck to their front door. Here lives Terje and Marianne Valtersen. Isak and Lea.
 
“We’ll make a new home,” he assured her, with as much sincerity as he could muster. “A better home.”
 
He reached over, from where he was perched on the bed, and touched her hand. It was cold and limp.
 
“There’s something I have to say to you,” he said. “I don’t know if right now you’ll really understand it, or if I should even bring it up, but…Mum, you need to know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for those things I said to you, the night I left home. You didn’t deserve to hear them. I was angry, but that wasn’t your fault. It was no one’s fault. I’m beginning to realise that, finally.”
 
It was hard to tell whether she had the capacity to take in the weight of his apology. Her expression remained bland and lifeless. But Isak wasn’t going to let it rest. He would apologise as many times as he had to.
 
“You see, while I was away I met this person,” he explained. “A person who is like you. Well, not exactly like you, but he gets sick sometimes, too. And it’s taken some time, but he’s shown me that all these things I never thought would be possible for you can be, with the right support. That if I wanted things to get better, I needed to stop blaming you for everything, and try to help you instead. I’m sorry that it took me so long to figure that out. I’m sorry that the only way I knew how to deal with it was to run away.”
 
She wasn’t following him, he realised glumly. The medication was taking a toll, as the nurses said, and he shouldn’t expect too much. He held her hand a few minutes longer, before slowly releasing it. The action seemed to trigger something in her, and she looked up at him again, with one of those strange little smiles.
 
“You’re in love.”
 
It was the last thing he would have ever anticipated from her. For a moment, he was too startled to react.
 
“What?”
 
“The person…when you talk about him, you get this light behind your eyes. Your father used to get that same thing, when he looked at me, a long time ago,” she said, before she expelled a long sigh. “It makes me sad.”
 
Isak felt as though she’d just knocked the wind out of him. His heart sank to the pit of his stomach.
 
“I know it’s hard for you, accepting that I’m with a boy…”
 
“No, Issy,” she smiled to herself. “I’m sad because you’re so young, and you don’t know the truth yet. That loving someone is the hardest thing you’ll ever do.”
 
Something in her voice - the loneliness, and the grief - made Isak’s eyes sting. He took her hand again.
 
“You might be right,” he said. “It might be hard. It might break me. But I’ll still love Even. And I’ll still love you. And I’ll just have to hope that it’s enough.”
 
***

Friday, 3 February, 2017

10:42

“That thing just moved, didn’t it?” Isak asked his boyfriend as calmly as he possibly could. He shifted an inch closer to him in the bed. “I saw it move.”
 
“I thought you didn’t get scared in horror movies,” Even teased him.
 
“I don’t,” Isak said quickly. “But that was fucking creepy.”
 
Even was sitting up, reclined on the wall with a pillow underneath his back, bathed in the blue glow from the TV screen. The white shirt he was wearing hung low around his collarbones. His chest and arms seemed incredibly inviting, but Isak didn’t want to give him the satisfaction just yet. It was pretty apparent that Even wasn’t scared by anything in movies. Every time there was a loud noise or something jumped out at the screen, he’d just start laughing. It would be borderline annoying, if he wasn’t so damn cute when he laughed.
 
“Okay, it definitely moved. I’m sure of it,” he stated again, seconds before there was a loud crescendo and a cat jumped out of a broom closet. “Fuck.”
 
Even was cracking up again. “That was the fake out. Which means the real scare is probably less than five minutes away, now.”
 
“How do you know that?” asked Isak. In hindsight, he would have been better off watching rom-coms with Lea and his housemates in the living room, after they all went out for pizza earlier. But that would have meant admitting to Even that he didn’t like horror films, and there was no way he felt his masculinity could take that hit.
 
“It’s a standard horror movie cliche,” his boyfriend explained, eyes on the laptop. “The director is trying to make sure the audience is on edge, so there’s already a heightened sense of tension before the real threat appears.”
 
Isak decided to give in, shifting a few inches closer to rest his head on Even’s chest. He pulled the blankets up to cover his shoulders.
 
“The problem is,” Even continued as he did so, “most horror fans are so aware of this now, that they don’t feel the tension anymore. They’re tired of it. As audiences grow more sophisticated it becomes a lot harder to scare people.”
 
He began playing with some of Isak’s hair, threading his fingers in and out of his curls. The teenage girl on screen burst out of the house and began running through the backyard, into the night.
 
“What do you think would scare people?” Isak found himself wanting to know.
 
Even considered quietly. “Being confronted with a truth about themselves, that they don’t want to admit to.”
 
Isak reflected on all the truths he had run from over the years. All the truths he still was running from. He hoped to hell nobody would ever want to make a movie about those.
 
“Do you think you’d ever want to make a horror movie?”
 
“Maybe,” Even shrugged. “If I could use it to tell a story that I really wanted to tell. I just want to tell stories that will matter to people. That have something to say.”
 
“You will,” Isak said. And he really meant it. “I think you have a lot of things to say, that people really need to hear.”
 
From his current position, he could actually feel Even’s heart starting to beat faster.
 
“Fuck!” he exclaimed again, when the film’s protagonist spun around and was confronted with a grotesque looking demon. “You were right. You were totally right.”
 
He’d jumped upright again and was now practically sitting on Even’s lap. His boyfriend buried his face into his shoulder as he laughed.
 
“Don’t be such a dick,” he smirked.
 
“I’m not!” Even protested. “I love that you get scared in horror movies. I’m going to make you watch so many with me, now.”
 
“Okay fine,” Isak said haughtily, “bring it on. I can take it.”
 
They settled back to try and watch the rest of the film, but in such close proximity, Isak found he was starting to loose interest in what was on the screen.
 
“You know,” Even said in a low voice from behind him, “the best part of a horror movie, when it’s done well, is the buildup of the tension.”
 
“Yeah?” Isak asked, feeling the hair on the back of his arms starting to stand up.
 
“Yeah,” Even answered. “Knowing that something is about to happen, but not knowing when, or how long you’ll have to wait.”
 
Isak reached around and touched Even through his sweatpants. He was already semi hard.
 
“I imagine that can get frustrating,” he said, as he rubbed up and down.
 
Even made a breathy sound, somewhere between a moan and a laugh. “So frustrating.”
 
“Frustrating, like, when you really, really want something.”
 
“Isak,” Even sighed, as his eyes fluttered close, “I hate bringing this up, but…house rule.”
 
To Even and Eskild’s credit, they had been amazingly good with keeping to the rule over the past week. Ironically, it was Isak who had nearly slipped up the most.
 
“What about this?” he took his hand off Even and kissed him instead. “This is fine, right?”
 
He felt Even smile against his lips. “Yeah. I’d say that this is rated PG.”
 
Isak tugged on the back of Even’s hair, deepening their kiss and pulling him down on top of him.
 
“This might be pushing it,” his boyfriend joked, positioning himself between his legs.
 
“Still PG,” Isak argued. “Clothes are on. It’s fine.”
 
Even didn’t put up much of a fight, kissing Isak back with everything he had. Isak couldn’t remember the last time either of them had been this needy, this desperate for it. He wanted it so bad. Wanted as much of Even as he could get.
 
His boyfriend slowly pushed his legs further apart. Isak could feel how hard he was, even through their sweatpants.
 
“Is this okay?” the other boy asked with a grin, slowly grinding down onto him.
 
“Fuck yeah,” Isak groaned.
 
He fantasised about how good it would feel if they were naked. If Even was inside him, thrusting like that, bringing them both closer and closer to the brink. If he could scream as loud as he wanted, and not have to worry about a thing.
 
A tiny noise escaped his lips, and Even leaned forward to claim his mouth seconds later. He lifted his hips instinctively, and Even’s hands ran along his legs, hitching them up slightly.
 
Footsteps echoed just outside, followed the sound of Noora and Lea talking and giggling together. They both froze for a second, hoping to hell that Lea wasn't about to open that bedroom door, but the footsteps quickly passed. It was enough of a reality check to break the mood. Even collapsed onto Isak’s chest, as they were both forced to laugh at the situation.
 
“I’m trying to think of something that’s a huge turn off,” Even said, his voice partially muffled by Isak’s shirt.
 
“What have you come up with so far?”
 
“Nothing,” his boyfriend confessed, tilting his head up slightly so their eyes could meet. “I can’t think about anything except you right now.”
 
He gave that look that made Isak want to devour him and tell him he loved him at the same time. Neither would have been ideal in that moment, so he was grateful when his phone buzzed on the beside table. He stretched his arm up to reach for it, so that Even wouldn’t have to move.
 
“Here’s something that will work as a huge turn off,” he grinned as he checked the screen, “a Snapchat from Magnus.”
 
Even laughed, shuffling up so that his head was resting just on Isak’s collarbone. The movie was continuing to play in the background, now completely forgotten.
 
“Of course,” Isak snorted, when he clicked on the snap and was confronted with a picture of his incredibly wasted friends, at what looked like a very out of control house party.
 
Do you regret staying home? the caption read.
 
“How did Magnus even manage to type that? He looks like he’s about to pass out,” Even asked, as he watched Isak hit a button on his phone. “What are you doing?”
 
“Sending him one back,” he answered calmly.
 
He snapped a picture of the two of them, lying in the dim light. To use Mahdi’s expression, Even somehow managed to look ‘like a fucking model’, lying on Isak’s chest with wide, beautiful blue eyes staring straight into the camera. Isak with his arm around him, looking smug as hell. It looked a lot better than he thought it would. In fact, he liked it a lot. He typed out a simple reply to his friend to send with it.

No :)

“That picture is fucking cute,” Even said with a broad grin. He looked positively elated.
 
The phone buzzed again straight afterwards. This time all three of his friends were rolling their eyes.
 
Lame.
 
“Assholes,” Isak laughed, tossing the phone down onto the floor.
 
“Whatever,” Even beamed, kissing his neck and jaw, “it’s still cute.”
 
For once, Isak didn’t mind him using the word at all.
 
***

Saturday, 4 February, 2017

20:57

Isak stood staring at his wardrobe - which at best could be described as ‘minimalist’ - attempting to decide which shirt was likely to make him look older than he was. The safest best would have been the grey collared number he’d worn to the Kosegruppa party, meeting Lise and Petter for the first time, and the Bech Næsheim Christmas party. It occurred to him that for the first couple of weeks of their relationship, Even’s parents could easily have thought that only owned one shirt. He held it up in front of himself for a second before putting it on.
 
“We’re going to have to get you some more shirts,” Even grinned at him, from where he was fixing his hair in the mirror.
 
Isak grinned straight back. “Don’t shit on ‘old reliable’. It’s never let me down before.”
 
He rolled up the sleeves and adjusted the collar.
 
“Do I look old enough not to get carded?” he asked his boyfriend.
 
Even’s eyes racked him up and down. “You look hot.”
 
Isak blushed. He wasn’t the only one, by any means. His boyfriend was wearing skinny jeans and a tight black t-shirt, with an unbuttoned, navy collared shirt over the top. His golden hair was messy in the best kind of way. He looked like a rock star version of James Dean. How was it physically possible for one person to be so attractive?
 
“I think you’re going to get hit on a lot tonight,” Even grinned at him. “I might get jealous.”
 
“Yeah, well, have you tried going out with you?” Isak laughed. “Mahdi thinks you look like a model, you know.”
 
Even’s grin broadened. “He said that?”
 
“Don’t let it go to your head.”
 
He grabbed Even’s shirt and tugged him towards him, so he could kiss that stupid, smiling face of his.
 
“Isaaak!” Lea called out in a sing song voice, swinging the door open. She audibly gasped and froze when she saw them kissing, cheeks turning pink. “Sorry!”
 
“Lea, learn to knock!” Isak frowned at her, while Even laughed.
 
“I said sorry!” she crossed her arms.
 
There was something different about her, but it took Isak a second to realise what it was. She was wearing bright red lipstick, identical to the kind that Noora used.
 
“Are they ready yet?” Eskild called out from down the corridor.
 
“They were making out!” Lea shouted back at the top of her lungs.
 
“Lea!!”
 
“What? You were!”
 
“Tell Isak to remember the house rule!” Eskild sounded amused.
 
“Eskild says-”
 
“I heard!” Isak cut her off. He glanced at his reflection in the mirror, running his fingers through his hair quickly. “Okay. I’m ready.”
 
“You actually don’t look terrible,” Lea told him as they left the room. As far as little sisters were concerned, this was the closest thing he was likely to get to a compliment.
 
“Thanks, Lea.”
 
“Where are you all going tonight?”
 
Isak exchanged a quick glance with Even. “Nowhere special.”
 
“Is it a party?”
 
He shoved her playfully in the shoulder. “You ask too many questions.”
 
“Are you going to get drunk?”
 
“None of your business.”
 
“He so is, isn’t he?” Lea smirked at Even. His boyfriend grinned back and shrugged.
 
Eskild was in the kitchen, carefully measuring some vodka into a shot glass.
 
“One Isak and one Even,” Lea gestured to them.
 
“Thank you, little one,” Eskild didn’t look up from what he was doing.
 
“What are you making?” asked Isak suspiciously.
 
“It’s a party drink. This is a special occasion. We can’t just drink the usual crap,” he glanced over at them and smiled. “You two scrub up nice.”
 
Isak touched the back of his head awkwardly.
 
“Why is it a special occasion?” Lea asked curiously. “Is it someone’s birthday?”
 
“In a sense, yes,” Eskild added some pineapple juice to the mixture. “It’s the birth of your brother’s emersion into gay culture.”
 
“I thought Isak was already gay?”
 
“Eskild, you’re confusing her,” Isak said embarrassedly.
 
“Eskild is taking us to some clubs tonight,” Even explained to her with a kind some.
 
“Ohh!” Lea said as realisation dawned. “But Isak is too young for clubs. He’s seventeen.”
 
“I’m not too young,” Isak answered haughtily. “I’m almost eighteen.”
 
“I always tell you that I’m almost fifteen, and you always say that it doesn’t count.”
 
“There’s a big difference!” he protested. He really hoped she wouldn’t ask what the difference was.
 
“Your time will come, little one. Don’t be in a rush to grow up,” Eskild slammed the lid on the cocktail mixer and began to shake it.
 
Lea sighed in defeat. At least she had Linn to keep her company while the rest of them went out, Isak supposed.
 
The buzzer rang out loudly, and Isak felt a jolt of anxiety. It was going to be Anders and Hanna. Even moved to answer it but Noora rushed past him from the living room, beating him there. A minute later the entranceway was filled with chatter.
 
“Hey!” Eva grinned, taking off her backpack and tossing it on the kitchen table. Anders and Hanna were just behind her. She must have run into them outside. “Where are you all off to?”
 
“We’re showing Even’s bi-curious friend some clubs,” Eskild said just before he turned around. His eyes widened when he noticed Anders and Hanna, and Isak wanted to die from embarrassment on his behalf. “And you must be the friend!”
 
Thankfully, Anders didn’t seem to mind that much. He gave everyone a shy wave. “Hi.”
 
“No way!” Eva gaped at him excitedly. “I never would have picked it!”
 
Anders shook hands with Even and Isak, and Isak tried is best to push against any and all negative feelings towards the other boy. Hanna hugged them both immediately afterwards. She was just as overly affectionate sober as she had been drunk.
 
“Nice apartment!” she beamed at him when she let go. She was a stereotypical beauty. Tall, blonde and athletic. The kind of girl he probably would have feigned interest in when he was pretending to be straight.
 
“Thank you,” Isak replied.
 
“You must be the famous Eskild,” Anders beamed and held out his hand.
 
“I guess my reputation precedes me,” Eskild shook his hand and grinned back. “I hope you’re ready for a big night.”
 
“Are you kidding? I was born ready.”
 
“I like this one,” Eskild told Even. He caught Isak’s eye and winked.
 
Eva nudged Noora in the side. “We should go out with them tonight instead. It sounds way more fun than some stupid revue party.”
 
Noora didn’t appear to need much convincing. She shrugged. “I guess the other girls all cancelled anyway. We may as well.”
 
“Yay!” Eva looked way too excited for her own good.
 
Eskild finished pouring the cocktails out into glasses and distributed them around the small group. Only Noora and Even refused.
 
“I try to stay away from spirits,” Even said apologetically.
 
“I’ll take his one,” Lea offered, giving Eskild her best smile.
 
Isak shook his head firmly. “No. Absolutely not.”
 
His sister pouted at him.
 
“This is way too strong for you, little one,” Eskild laughed fondly. “It’s my signature mix.”
 
Eva and Hanna took the two leftover drinks. This was going to get so messy, Isak could tell already.
 
“Well, cheers!” Hanna held up both of her glasses happily.
 
They clinked glasses, and Isak made the mistake of knocking back way too much of his at once. He wasn’t sure exactly what Eskild had put in there, but it was stronger than anything he’d had before. He’d never make fun of cocktails for not being ‘manly’ again.
 
***

22:36

“So, children, this is a good place to come to start out your night,” Eskild explained, as they got into a line for a bar. “If you want to knock back a few drinks, maybe watch some drag, before you go dancing.”
 
Two people in drag walked past the queue not long after. Isak was beginning to wonder if he was actually prepared for something like this. Admittedly, he might have freaked out a bit the last and only time he was in a room full of gay men. Things had changed a lot since then, but he was still well and truly out of his comfort zone.
 
“This is so exciting!” Eva giggled and danced on the spot, her arm linked with Noora’s. “We’re going to get in, right, Eskild?”
 
“Yeah, of course! I wouldn’t lead you astray, would I?” Eskild didn’t seem worried at all. He returned his attention to Anders. “Anyway, as I was saying before, the most important thing to get right are your pictures. You need to know what kind of image you want to project.”
 
He’d been showing him how to use Grindr on the tram. Hanna was way too invested in the whole process, leaning over to look at his phone.
 
“Whoa, are those photos real?” she gaped. “That can’t be a real person. It’s got to be a Catfish.”
 
“You’d be surprised what’s real and what’s not,” Eskild smirked.
 
They neared the front of the line, where a huge, terrifying looking bouncer with a buzz cut was checking ID. Isak tried to remain calm. He did not look like the kind of person who would take kindly to underage teens sneaking into a bar.
 
“So what’s our game plan here?” Anders asked curiously. He gestured to Isak, Eva and Noora. “Do the rest of us just form a circle around these three and hope they don’t get noticed?”
 
It seemed like as good a plan as any. Isak took hold of Even’s hand.
 
“If I get kicked out, I’ll wait for you at home,” he told him quietly.
 
Even rose both eyebrows at him. “You go home, I go home. I thought that would have been obvious.”
 
Isak smiled, squeezing their palms together tightly.
 
“Hold on a second,” Eskild touched Anders’ shoulder, then shuffled out of the line. Isak wondered what the hell he was doing, until he saw him wrap his arms around the bouncer and kiss him on the cheek. The man’s face softened instantly.
 
“Wow, Eskild really does know everyone,” Eva said, sounding impressed.
 
Eskild said something to the bouncer that made him laugh. A loud, gwarf of a noise that carried all the way down the line. Eskild gestured in their direction, and the bouncer squinted until he spotted them, grinning and waving them forward with a big, beefy hand. They all looked at each other hesitantly before pushing their way past the group in front of them.
 
“In you go, Eskild’s friends,” the giant of a man waved them by. His grin broadened when he saw Even and Isak holding hands. “Aw, that’s nice.”
 
Once they were out of earshot, Isak looked at his boyfriend and they burst into simultaneous laughter.
 
“Well, that was easy,” he said happily. He knew Eskild had promised it would be fine, and he’d gotten into a bar before, but somehow he’d still been expecting it to go horribly wrong.
 
“I wonder how Eskild made friends with that guy,” Even mused.
 
“There’s probably a huge, convoluted story that we’re better off not knowing.”
 
This was the same bar he’d met Eskild at for the first time, Isak realised. He didn’t recognise it from the outside. It had been very late on a Thursday night, and there was no bouncer, no crowds, then. Now, the place was overflowing with people. Waiting in line at the bar, mingling at overcrowded tables. A few even standing on the stage in the corner of the room.
 
“Fucking hell,” Eva breathed. “I’ve never seen so many hot guys in one room before.”
 
“Me either,” Anders added, while trying to look everywhere at once.
 
Eskild threw his arms around both of them delightedly. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
 
Isak had never seen this many men in a room before, period. Older men and younger men. Shirtless men. Hairy men. Men in women’s clothing. Men kissing other men. Women kissing other women. When he passed through the door into this place, it was like he had stepped into a parallel universe.
 
“A table just opened up, over there,” Noora pointed to a spot not too far from them.
 
“You go grab it,” Eskild said, “Isak and I will get drinks.”
 
“Why me?” Isak complained, but his housemate was already starting to drag him off.
 
They pushed through the crowds, Eskild stopping occasionally to greet a few people and kiss them on the cheek.
 
“Who let the jailbait in?” one guy sneered as he eyed Isak up and down.
 
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Isak asked. It was meant to sound intimidating, but in truth he wasn’t exactly a hundred percent sure.
 
Eskild put a protective arm around him. “This is my godchild. He’s new, so be nice.”
 
“Aren’t I always nice?” the guy simpered.
 
Eskild rolled his eyes. He grabbed Isak’s shoulders and steered him away, as the other guy laughed.
 
“I just wanted to say, I’m so proud of you,” Eskild said as they joined the line for the bar. “You’ve come such a long way, since the last time we were here together.”
 
Whenever Eskild spoke with that kind of sincerity, it carried a lot of weight.
 
“Thanks, buddy.”
 
“I mean it. Back then, you didn’t even want to be recognised, here. And now look at you. Coming out to a gay bar to have a good time with your friends and your boyfriend.”
 
Isak looked over his shoulder to see if he could try and find their table, but it was impossible through the crowd.
 
His housemate’s face fell. “What’s wrong?”
 
“Nothing.”
 
“Isak,” Eskild narrowed his eyes, “you’re a terrible liar.”
 
Isak sighed. He licked his lips before he spoke.
 
“Do you think you’ll hook up with Anders?”
 
The other boy blinked at him, baffled. “Do you want me to hook up with Anders?”
 
He shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, you can if you want to, I guess. It’s not like I have any stakes in it.”
 
He could feel Eskild studying his face carefully.
 
“Isak,” he said again slowly, “what’s wrong?”
 
“Do you…” he trailed away and shook his head, before trying again. “Do you think Anders might like Even?”
 
He had been anticipating an honest answer, so he was shocked when his housemate burst out laughing.
 
“Are you joking?”
 
“Eskild!” Isak cried in frustration. “I’m serious!”
 
“No, Isak! I don’t think he’s interested in Even at all. To be honest, I don’t think that boy has idea what he wants, yet,” Eskild laughed. “And even if that wasn’t true, who cares? Even isn’t going to look twice at anybody else. You’re the man of his life.”
 
“Eskild…” Isak could feel himself blush.
 
“Stop looking for drama!” Eskild rubbed his shoulders. “It’s Saturday night. You’re in a room full of people who fully accept you for who you are. Your friends and your boyfriend are here. And you’re about to do shots with me.”
 
“What?” Isak spluttered.
 
They’d reached the front of the queue. A huge, rainbow pride flag hung just over them. Eskild yelled his order out to the slightly harried bartender.
 
“What about everyone else’s drinks?”
 
“In a minute,” his friend grinned at him. “We’re going to finish having our moment first.”
 
They downed their first shot and smiled at each other, oblivious to the men behind them yelling at them to hurry up.
 
***

Sunday, 5 February, 2017

00:01

As midnight neared, the bar had miraculously started to clear out, seemingly all at once. The bartenders and already started cleaning up.
 
“Where’s everybody going?” Hanna asked confusedly.
 
Eskild slammed his empty glass down at the table and grinned at his little band of followers. “Time to move on.”
 
Isak had trouble sliding down from the bar stool. He blamed Eskild and those shots he’d never asked for. He may have staggered a bit, but felt grateful for it in a way when Even’s arms wrapped around his waist, steadying him.
 
“Your sister was right, you know,” he teased. “You did get drunk.”
 
“No, I didn’t!” Isak giggled, leaning back onto him. He didn’t actually feel that drunk. “I’m…tipsy.”
 
Even laughed and squeezed him tighter. “Okay. But I’m the one who is going to have to carry your tipsy ass home later.”
 
“You can do whatever you want with my ass.”
 
He looked up at him innocently, to find that Even’s mouth had fallen open slightly.
 
“Hurry up, you two, you can eyeball-fuck each other at the next place!” Eva called out to them, grinning like an asshole.
 
As they walked down the street, it occurred to Isak that for the first time ever, nobody was staring at him and Even when they held hands, or even stood next to each other. In fact, nobody so much as glanced their way. He knew that the looks he got a Nissen, or even out in public, were nearly always harmless. But they were still there, ever-present in the back of his mind. He had no idea how liberating it feel to be invisible. To be just another guy with a boyfriend, and not to have it be some kind of spectacle.
 
He never thought he’d be into this sort of scene, but suddenly he felt he could understand its significance.
 
“Holy shit, look at that line,” Anders groaned, when they stopped in front of another bar. The music in this place was pounding, the sound and lights carrying out onto the street.
 
“We’re not going to get in,” Hanna sighed. “We may as well give up.”
 
Eskild was scanning the area, searching for…God only knows what. He finally spotted whatever it was, and his eyes lit up.
 
“Wait here,” he said, patting Anders’ shoulder again.
 
He strode with boundless confidence over to the front of the queue, and made a huge show of kissing some guy with a full face of makeup and a glitter beard. Eva and Hanna swapped an open-mouthed look with each other, while Noora rolled her eyes.
 
“He really does know everyone,” Anders laughed, as they were beckoned over once again.
 
“This is my friend Kristian,” Eskild explained, ushering them into jump the barrier. “What a coincidence that we ran into each other!”
 
A few people made disgruntled noises when their group edged into the line, but Eskild stared them all down until they shut up.
 
“Do you ever actually wait in line, Eskild?” Even asked jokingly.
 
The other boy waved him away. “I can’t help it if I’m well liked.”
 
Kristian pulled a tiny bottle out of his coat pocket and offered it around.
 
“Anybody want a hit?”
 
“What is it?” Anders asked curiously.
 
“Uh, no, none for them,” Eskild put a hand on Anders’ arm again. “It’s their first time out.”
 
Kristian shrugged nonchalantly. He covered one of his nostrils and held the little bottle up to the other one, inhaling deeply.
 
“How do you two know each other?” asked Noora.
 
“How does anybody know anybody?” Eskild answered her evasively.
 
The line started to move again, and they were let in with the next cohort. There was a completely different vibe here than at the last place, though Isak recognised a few of the same faces. Flashing lights and a dance floor filled with sweaty bodies. Eva and Hanna both looked like they’d just stepped into heaven.
 
“This place is amazing!” the latter shouted, grabbing Anders by the hand. “Come on, we’re dancing! Right now!”
 
“Yes! Dancing!” Eva said gleefully. She grabbed Noora’s sleeve with one hand and Isak’s with the other.
 
Isak took in the room of gorgeous, grinding men and was ashamed to admit he’d never been so intimidated before in his life. He’d always believed he knew everything that was worth knowing, but the past few hours made him realise how wrong he’d been. There was no way in hell he felt confident enough to be on that dance floor.
 
“I don’t know, Eva,” he said hesitantly, searching for a means of escape. Noora had grabbed Even and was dragging him along behind them too. Eskild was already out there. It really didn’t seem like he had a choice.
 
They’d formed a small circle on the overcrowded floor. Isak really only knew one style of dance: a style he liked to call ‘the closeted white man’, which basically involved standing mostly still and bobbling your head along to the music on occasion. Hanna wasted no time in showing off that she was a trained dancer, moving her body in ways that Isak could not have done in a thousand years. Eva and Eskild clearly gave no fucks at all, taking up the most space in an effort to outdo each other with their ridiculous moves. Anders was probably about as awkward as Isak was, but dancing with Hanna more or less covered it up. Noora was dancing next to Even. She grabbed his hand and made him twirl her around, which was effortlessly endearing.
 
If the last bar had been out of Isak’s comfort zone, than this was a whole new level.
 
“I’m getting another drink!” he yelled at Even, grabbing his arm to get his attention.
 
His boyfriend stopped dancing and beamed at him. “I’ll come with you!”
 
He was having such a good time. It made Isak smile from the inside out.
 
“No, stay here. You’re having fun,” he kissed him. “I’ll be back in a second.”
 
He waited in line for a drink, but people kept pushing in front and he didn’t quite have the balls to do much about it in his current state. He wasn’t fully sure why he was still being so moody. He needed to take Eskild’s advice. Stop being so dramatic. If only that was as easy as it sounded.
 
When he finally got to the front of the line, he realised he wasn’t actually sure what he wanted to order. Beer was his standard, but after being funnelled shots and cocktails by Eskild all night, he didn’t think that was a good idea. He tried to think quickly while the bartender served somebody else.
 
“Buy you a drink?” he heard somebody yell nearby.
 
Fingers tapped him on the shoulder and he turned to see a total stranger leaning on the bar and smiling at him. Had that question been directed at him?
 
“Sorry?”
 
“I said,” the stranger leaned towards him, “can I buy you a drink?”
 
“Oh!” Isak was flustered. “Uh, no, that’s okay. I’ll get my own.”
 
The stranger’s smile broadened. “It’s your first time here, isn’t it? I can tell.”
 
“I don’t really know what I’m doing,” he admitted, laughing.
 
“That’s okay, none of us really do,” the guy said. “Don’t worry, I can show you a few things, if you’re interested.”
 
“Uh…no, that’s okay,” Isak tried to be polite.
 
“Come on. Let me buy you a drink,” he closed the inch of space between them, standing as close to Isak as possible. “Just one.”
 
“Hey!” Anders suddenly pushed his way through the crowd. For once, Isak was actually glad to see him.
 
The stranger’s smile dropped instantly.
 
“Hi,” he said coldly.
 
Anders didn’t falter for a second. He stood between them, creating a barrier.
 
“How’s it going, man?”
 
“Yeah, not bad,” the stranger looked irritated. “How about you?”
 
“Really good,” Anders gave him an exaggerated grin. “Were you just hitting on my friend’s boyfriend?”
 
Isak felt his eyebrows shoot up. He didn’t realise Anders could be that brash.
 
The stranger laughed nervously. “Excuse me?”
 
“Oh, sorry, was I reading that wrong?” he gestured towards Isak. “I hope I was reading it wrong. Because otherwise this would be a really awkward situation.”
 
The stranger collected his drink off the bar. He narrowed his eyes at Anders.
 
“You were reading it wrong,” he muttered, before shuffling away.
 
Anders took his place leaning against the bar.
 
“Thanks,” Isak told him, feeling a little sheepish.
 
“Think nothing of it,” the other boy flashed him a smile. “Since we’re here, we may as well get something to drink, anyway.”
 
He ordered two vodka and cokes, so Isak did the same. They pushed back through the crowd until they reached the edge of the dance floor, watching Even and Eskild dancing and mucking around with the girls.
 
“Not big into dancing?” Anders asked after a prolonged silence.
 
“No,” Isak laughed. “Even seems to like it though.”
 
Anders nodded, grinning as he kept his eyes on their friends. “He acts so confident, doesn’t he? Between you and me, I always kind of admired that. Even before we properly became friends.”
 
Isak considered that maybe everyone felt less confident than how they portrayed themselves outwardly. Anders had never struck him as someone lacking any confidence, or looking up to that in someone else.
 
“To be honest, I sort of admire you too,” he continued, taking a huge gulp of his drink.
 
Isak was so baffled he almost took a step backwards. “Me? Seriously?”
 
“Yeah,” Anders assured him. “Last year, I kissed this guy after a party when I was wasted, and I was too scared to tell anybody for such a long time. Then you and Even came out and…I don’t know, that was just a really big deal, to me. Up until then, I thought I was alone. But you guys made me feel like far less of a freak.”
 
It was a story that Isak could relate to, at least in part. The loneliness and isolation most of all.
 
“I’ve never thought about it that way, before,” he said honestly. Not once had it occurred to him that openly being in a relationship with Even could have an impact on anybody else at the school.
 
“Well, thank you, anyway,” Anders held his glass up to him, “for having the courage to do what I couldn’t do.”
 
They clinked the glasses together and drained the rest of their cups, before starting on the next round. Isak found himself warming up to Anders by the second. He could see why Even valued their friendship.
 
“I need to ask you something,” he said, as his second glass grew empty, “only because I’m pretty drunk…and also because it’s going to bug me if I don’t, but…you see Even…just as a friend, right?”
 
Anders’ reaction was almost identical to what Eskild’s had been.
 
“Sorry! I thought that would have been obvious,” he laughed. “He’s a friend. A good friend, but definitely just a friend.”
 
Obvious to everyone but Isak, apparently.
 
“Sorry,” he mumbled, “just needed to check.”
 
It seemed like he was apologising to Anders a lot.
 
“Don’t worry about it,” the other boy grinned. “If it helps at all, Even talks about you nearly every five minutes when we hang out.”
 
Isak cracked up. “Yeah?”
 
“That’s not an exaggeration. I’ve never seen anybody so sprung before. I mean he’s in a room full of hot dudes and he hasn’t even bothered to check anyone else out,” Anders gestured over to him with his glass. “He’s staring at you right now. Look.”
 
He was right. Even was still dancing with Noora, but his eyes were fixed directly on a single target. When Isak looked at him he beamed so wide his eyes crinkled. The girls caught on to what was happening and started pushing Even forward, beckoning Isak over to him.
 
“Go!” Anders laughed. He took the empty glass out of his hand and pushed Isak forward by his shoulder. “Go dance with him!”
 
Isak shyly made his way across until Even grabbed his hands. He placed his hands on his hips and danced against him. Isak laughed, unable to resist wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s neck. It was so damn embarrassing but also so damn cute.
 
“They haven’t played Gabrielle yet. I’m outraged!” Even grinned as he moved their bodies together.
 
“I’m not dancing with you to Gabrielle,” Isak still had to shout, even though they were so close. “You get one song, and that’s it.”
 
“We’ll see,” Even answered.
 
He pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes. Isak closed his too. Felt nothing but Even and the vibrations of the music around them. As the music changed, he clung tighter to Even’s shoulders.
 
“Yes! I love this song!” Even said delightedly, as they both opened their eyes.”
 
“Even…” Isak said warningly.
 
“I could watch you for a lifetime,” his boyfriend sang teasingly in time with the lyrics, “you’re my favourite movie-”
 
“Even, shut up,” Isak laughed, blushing.
 
“A thousand endings, you mean everything to me-”
 
“Seriously.”
 
“I never know whats coming. Forever fascinating.”
 
“You’re not as good at singing as you think.”
 
“But you don’t stop running, to me ‘cause-”
 
Isak cut him off before he could finish, pressing their lips together. They were both grinning stupidly, so it was easy to slip his tongue into his boyfriend’s mouth, teasing him. As the music reached it’s climax, their lips remained locked together, bodies moving in time with the beat. He would always remember this song, now. Always hear it and think of this.
 
Despite what he’d said, they ended up staying on the dance floor for the next few songs.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Sunday, 5 February, 2017

02:51

If there was one thing Even was certain of after his first night out on Oslo’s gay scene, it was this: tracking down a drunk Isak in a club at almost three am was virtually impossible.
 
It was about this time that he and Noora decided to assume their regular ‘Team Sober’ duties, of gathering up their drunk friends and making sure they all got home okay. This proved to be much harder than it normally was at a house party; there was more ground to cover and bigger crowds of people to push through, even with the club starting to empty out. He came across Hanna first, still on the middle of the dance floor by herself and clearly having a blast. Where she got the energy to keep dancing from was a total mystery.
 
“Hey!” she said happily, her speech slurred somewhat as she hugged/danced with him at the same time.
 
“Where’s Anders?” he asked. He stood still while she continued to move, either oblivious or not caring about the fact that he wasn’t participating.
 
Hanna’s eyes brightened. “He picked up a guy.”
 
“No way!” Even laughed. Good for him.
 
“I know, right? I’m so excited,” Hanna kept dancing while she spoke to him. “Where’s your man?”
 
“That’s a good question. Want to help me find him?”
 
He managed to coax her off the dance floor and kept an eye on her as they continued their search. She was still dancing and walking at the same time. How the fuck was that possible?
 
“He’s over there!” she called out excitedly, pointing towards the bar.
 
Eva and Isak were off to the side of the bar in a corner, stumbling over each other a bit and periodically hugging while they spoke - or more accurately, shouted. It was hard to tell who was drunker.
 
“Isak, I love you so much,” Eva was in the middle of telling Isak, wrapping her arms around his neck.
 
Isak grinned, staggering a bit before supporting her weight. “I love you too, Eva.”
 
“No seriously, you’re one of my best friends,” she pressed. “We need to hang out more. I mean it.”
 
“We’re hanging out right now!”
 
“No! Seriously!” she repeated. “We used to be so close. Remember when we used to Skype each other almost every night?”
 
“I know. That feels like such a long time ago.”
 
“Life moves too fast! That’s why we need to hang out. Because I love you!”
 
“I love you too!”
 
This conversation was going to go on in circles forever. It was pretty sweet, though, Even had to admit. He hadn’t fully realised how tight Isak and Eva were.
 
“Even!” Eva let go of Isak and practically fell on him, when she noticed he was watching, “I love you!”
 
Even made eye contact with Isak as he awkwardly hugged her. His boyfriend’s eyebrows went up and he grinned teasingly.
 
“I love you too, Eva,” he answered, patting her on the back.
 
“You make Isak happy, which makes me happy!”
 
“Thanks,” Even kept his eyes on Isak. “He makes me pretty happy too.”
 
Eva looked up at him blearily. “Also, you’re really handsome.”
 
“Hey!” Isak frowned a little. “Find your own boyfriend.”
 
“Well, it’s true!” Eva giggled, thankfully releasing Even from her hold. She noticed Hanna standing next to him and hugged her instead. “I don’t even know you, but I love you too!”
 
“Aww!” Hanna wrapped her arms around her. “I love you!”
 
A cycle of emotional babble started up between them. Even took Eva’s place beside Isak, leaning against the bar.
 
“Eva wanted to do more s-shots,” Isak hiccuped, then covered his mouth with his hand, giggling.
 
“More s-shots?” Even mimicked him teasingly.
 
“Mmm-hmm,” he rose his head proudly. Hiccuped again, and they both burst into simultaneous laughter.
 
“Ready to go home?”
 
Isak grabbed the front of his shirt, pulling him closer so he could whisper in his ear. “Only if you promise to fuck me when we get there.”
 
Well. Damn. Even honestly hadn’t been expecting that. Not that he was complaining in the slightest. Isak didn’t appear to be shy or embarrassed about what he’d said.
 
“We can’t, remember?” he told him remorsefully.
 
Isak’s lips grazed over the area beneath his ear.
 
“I’ll be really quiet,” he assured him. “I’ll sit on your lap and suck on your fingers while you do me and I won’t make a sound.”
 
A very vivid mental picture flashed into Even’s mind.
 
“You’re blushing,” Isak smirked triumphantly. “You never blush. That’s my job.”
 
“I’m not,” he argued, though he could feel the heat in his cheeks.
 
“Yes, you are!”
 
“There you are!” a somewhat frustrated Noora exclaimed as she approached.
 
Even had honestly forgotten where they were for a second.
 
“Noora!” Eva grabbed her friend by the waist. “Have I ever told you how much I love you?”
 
Noora rolled her eyes. “I love you too, Eva.”
 
“I mean it! I have to tell you how much you mean to me.”
 
“You can tell me on the way home,” she answered fondly, squeezing Eva’s shoulder before turning towards Even. “I can take care of Eva and Hanna. We’ll get an Uber and drop Hanna off on the way to Eva’s, then I’ll crash there tonight. And you can take Isak back to the Kollektiv?”
 
“Of course,” Even replied. “What about Eskild?”
 
“He texted me earlier. He went home with someone,” Noora shrugged.
 
Isak had been leaning into Even’s side throughout the conversation, resting his head against his shoulder. He chose that moment to try lightly sucking on Even’s neck, which made him gasp in surprise and then laugh.
 
“Oh dear,” Noora giggled. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Isak this wasted before.”
 
“It was all the vodka,” Eva explained, still cuddling Noora, “it makes people really horny. And affectionate.”
 
“I’m not wasted,” Isak said firmly, as Even wrapped an arm around his shoulders.
 
“Just horny then,” Eva teased.
 
Isak attempted to roll his eyes at her, but ended up rolling his head back into Even’s neck again. He kept his face hidden as everyone cracked up.
 
They gradually managed to wrangle their group to the cloak room and then out the front door, despite Eva needing to stop and tell Noora how much she loved her, and Isak trying to maul Even against a wall. The dark street had all but emptied out, a few clusters of people standing on the road waiting for a ride or trying to flag down a taxi. Even and Isak waited with the girls until their ride showed up, before Even booked theirs.
 
“Okay,” he said as he stood in front of his boyfriend on the street corner, arms wrapped around him, “we have eight minutes until Johan picks us up in his Mitsubishi Outlander.”
 
“I hope Johan doesn’t mind if we make out in the back seat,” Isak tilted his head up with a smirk.
 
Even squeezed him. “Johan will just have to deal with it.”
 
“You look so fucking hot tonight.”
 
“So do you,” he said seriously. “I bet lots of guys hit on you.”
 
“There was this one really insistent guy,” Isak admitted. “Then Anders told him to fuck off.”
 
Even laughed. “Remind me to thank Anders later.”
 
It didn’t bother him in the slightest that other people found his boyfriend attractive. They were only human, after all.
 
“How many minutes are there now?”
 
Even checked is phone. “Seven.”
 
Isak spun around in his arms to face him. “That’s enough time to go behind that corner and suck you off, right?”
 
“Wow!” Even spluttered in disbelief. “You’re really slutty when you drink too much vodka.”
 
“I am not slutty!” Isak said indignantly.
 
“A little bit slutty.”
 
Isak put an arm around his shoulders and attempted to narrow his eyes, but in his current state it was more adorable than anything else. “I don’t know why you’re complaining.”
 
He had a good point. Even allowed his boyfriend to kiss him. All sloppy and needy and wonderful.
 
Their ride pulled up while they were still making out on the street corner. Even slid into the back seat after Isak, who immediately grabbed him and pulled him into the middle seat, so that they were practically on top of each other. Part of him knew that Isak really needed to sober up. But another part was undeniably loving having his beautiful boy all over him.
 
“Hi,” he said to the driver, laughing a little as Isak’s breath tickled his ear again. “Sorry about this. He’s had a bit to drink.”
 
Johan the driver didn’t seem terribly impressed. Even heard him inhale sharply.
 
“Can you confirm the address?” he said.
 
Something about his tone gave Even a distinctly bad feeling. Isak was completely oblivious, grinning to himself as he kissed Even’s neck and toyed with the fabric of his jacket.
 
“Sure,” Even replied as politely as possible. He told him the address and Johan nodded curtly, starting off down the road.
 
“How many minutes until we get home?” his boyfriend asked. His hand slipped inside Even’s jacket, caressing the muscles underneath.
 
“Ten,” Even smiled at him.
 
Isak’s hand brushed slowly across a nipple over his shirt. “Too many.”
 
He locked their lips together, and out of the corner of his eye Even saw Johan’s hands tense on the steering wheel. He found himself making a silent plea to the stranger. Please, for the love of whatever god you might believe in, don’t say anything. You can think whatever you want, but just keep your mouth shut. Don’t ruin this night for him.
 
Isak pulled back from him and stared, grey-green eyes full of light and life even if they were a little unfocused. Looked at Even like he was the only person in the world who existed.
 
“What’s that look for?” he beamed. There was a tiny bit of saliva on the corner of his boyfriend’s lips. He reached over to wipe it away with his finger.
 
“What look? There’s no look,” Isak said coyly. He gently wrapped his hand around Even’s wrist and took two of the fingers near his lips inside his mouth, sucking on them long and slow. His eyes remained on Even the entire time.
 
House rule? What house rule?
 
“Fucking hell, Isak,” Even expelled a breath of laughter.
 
“Excuse me,” a stern voice from the front seat cut through the moment like a chainsaw, “but would you mind not doing that? It’s very distracting.”
 
It was a simple enough request, but Even was sure that ‘distracting’ wasn’t the word that Johan would have preferred to use. He was overcome with that peculiar feeling which came from being the object of attention, for all the wrong reasons. The kind of feeling that gave you pins and needles in your chest.
 
Beside him, Isak had momentarily frozen, still holding onto Even’s wrist as bleary eyes surveyed the driver’s face through the rearview mirror. With baited breath, Even desperately searched for a way to respond. He should just apologise to Johan and let it slide. There was no point starting a fight.
 
All of a sudden, Isak started to laugh.
 
“Sorry, but it really isn’t my fault. My boyfriend is just so hot, I can’t help it. You understand, right?”
 
If this had been a cartoon, Even’s jaw would have dropped. Johan was so flustered that he almost forgot to break at the traffic lights, slamming his foot down at the last second.
 
“Fuck, man, you should keep your eyes on the road,” Isak smirked, leaning his head on Even’s shoulder. “I know it’s hard not to watch us make out, but seriously, you could cause an accident.”
 
Johan’s lips formed a very thin line as he gripped the steering wheel again. “Sorry.”
 
Even didn’t think it was possible to love Isak more than he did right then.
 
The car pulled up to the kerb and Isak slid out onto the street. Even was about to follow him when the driver spun around in his seat without warning.
 
“Look, I don’t actually have a problem with it, you know,” he said, with the tone of someone who was more defensive than apologetic. “I just don’t…want to have it right in my face, like that. Do you get it?”
 
Even was left bewildered. Bewildered that anybody could be in such deep denial, that they were willing to buy into their own hypocrisy. Bewildered that this random person clearly felt guilty enough to have to justify himself to a total stranger, yet still couldn’t admit they’d said something offensive.
 
“No,” he said earnestly, “I don’t get it at all.”
 
He got out of the car and joined Isak on the kerb, allowing his boyfriend to wrap his arms around his waist.
 
“Johan gets zero stars,” he told him as they headed inside.
 
“One star,” Isak reasoned. “He took the fastest route back to the apartment. We have to give him that.”
 
He fumbled a little with the keys when they reached the front door, so Even took them from him and unlocked it as quietly as possible.
 
“Don’t want to wake up Lea or Linn,” he reminded his boyfriend with raised eyebrows.
 
Isak nodded faux-seriously, before starting to giggle again. He struggled with taking off his shoes, probably making enough noise to reach Lea down the hall. Even hoped she was as heavy a sleeper as her brother.
 
“Come on, drunkie,” he whispered, taking Isak’s hand once he’d dropped his coat onto the ground.
 
He led him into the bedroom, and breathed a sigh of relief once the door was closed. It didn’t seem like they’d disturbed anybody, as far as he could tell.
 
He flicked on the light just as Isak grabbed his shirt again, pulling him towards the bed. Even definitely needed to put a stop to this soon. Isak was way too drunk to be making any kind of decisions, regarding the ‘house rule’ or otherwise. He sure as hell wasn’t going to enjoy being responsible, though.
 
“Isak-” he began, but was cut off when he was abruptly pushed backwards. Isak was easily stronger than he was, thanks to all the soccer training and time spent at the gym, and managed it both gently and effortlessly. He fell onto the bed’s soft mattress, bouncing a little as he propped himself up on his elbows.
 
“Isak…” he tried again, trailing away this time.
 
Isak was staring at him, with the same intensity as he had in the back of the car. He undid the first two buttons of his shirt, moving his hips at the same time. In his tight jeans, the motion was entrancing.
 
“What are you doing?” Even laughed, when he stopped and struggled with a button midway down.
 
His boyfriend frowned at his chest in concentration. “I’m trying to give you a strip tease, but I can’t undo this fucking shirt.”
 
He battled with it again, before he started cracking up, setting Even off as well.
 
“This isn’t going the way I’d hoped,” Isak admitted. It was just too damn cute.
 
Even sat up and reached for him, tugging him forward by his belt. “Come here.”
 
Using both hands, he deftly undid the troublesome button, then finished the job. Isak’s shoulders rolled back and the flimsy material fell off, discarded onto the floor.
 
“Help me take these off too?” he asked innocently, already undoing his belt.
 
Even watched as Isak opened the front of his jeans and helped him push them down over his hips. His boyfriend was left standing inches from him in his tight underwear, leaving nothing to the imagination. Pale chest. Toned, muscular arms and legs. Those stunning curls and wide grey-green eyes. That little lopsided smile.
 
“What?” Isak probed, genuinely uncertain.
 
“Nothing,” he smiled. Hesitated. “I just think you’re really beautiful.”
 
Isak gave that startled look he always did when someone complimented his appearance. Like he wanted to look around the room to make sure Even was definitely talking about him. He lowered his eyes and laughed shyly.
 
Even positioned both hands on Isak’s hips, placing a trail of soft kisses all over his abdomen and then down over the top of his underwear. He sensed Isak throw his head back as he did so, letting go of a soft moan. He could feel him getting harder through the fabric against his lips. He never really liked giving head too much with previous sexual partners, but with Isak, he fucking loved it. He could do it forever and ever.
 
“Even…?” his boyfriend interrupted unexpectedly.
 
The wariness in his voice made Even stop instantly, hands subconsciously poised to pull down his underwear.
 
“Yeah?”
 
Isak frowned, wobbling a little on the spot. He placed his hands on Even’s shoulders, steadying himself.
 
“I feel dizzy.”
 
Even stood up instantly, securing Isak in an embrace. He felt the other boy lean against him gratefully.
 
“I’ll get you some water,” he murmured, kissing his hair.
 
“Thanks,” Isak smiled into his shoulder. “Sorry.”
 
“You never have to be sorry.”
 
He left him sitting on the edge of the bed, and hurried to the kitchen to fill up two glasses. The apartment felt so still - and weirdly empty knowing that Eskild and Noora weren’t home, even in the dead of night. When he came back, Isak had fallen over onto his side, head resting against the pillows while his legs were still on the ground.
 
“Isak,” Even crouched in front of him and gently shook his shoulder, “you need to drink some of this.”
 
His boyfriend opened his eyes slowly, pouting somewhat, but accepted the water all the same. He took a huge gulp then motioned to set the glass on the table next to him. He would have narrowly missed it, but Even intercepted and placed it where it was supposed to be.
 
“The room keeps spinning,” he groaned, as Even disentangled the blankets and pulled them over him.
 
“It will stop soon,” Even told him soothingly.
 
He turned out the light and climbed into the bed next to him.
 
“Did you have fun tonight?” he asked, hoping to distract him and keep the nausea in check.
 
“Yeah,” he heard Isak say through the darkness. “I didn’t think I would, but I did.”
 
Even lay on his stomach, grinning into the pillow. “Me too.”
 
His eyes began to drift closed, his mind filled with pictures of bright lights, smiling friends, and Isak dancing against him.
 
“I love you.”
 
It happened so quickly that at first, he was sure he’d imagined it. Those words he’d wanted to hear for so long. He lifted his head off the pillow, more out of surprise than anything else.
 
“Isak?” he asked tentatively.
 
The boy next to him made no sound, breathing slow and evenly. He couldn’t have imagined it, could he? He’d heard that sleep-ridden, soft voice loud and clear.
 
Even brushed a few curls out of the way, kissing his forehead.
 
“I love you too.”
 
***

10:19

Isak had kicked most of the blankets off himself in his sleep. He was lying on his stomach, half on top and half underneath the duvet, well and truly sprawled over most of the bed. One side of his face was smooshed into the pillow, and his mouth had fallen wide open. Even knew he was definitely in love; Isak could look like anything, and he’d still think he was a work of art.
 
He rolled over and fished through the pockets of the jeans he’d discarded on the floor last night. His phone had died - he’d forgotten to put it on the charger last night. Not that it mattered. His social circle wasn’t exactly huge. And apart from maybe his parents, no one was likely to try and reach him. He plugged it into the charger Isak always left free for him, and ignored it.
 
Today was a good day to be Even, he thought as he watched Isak sleep. A very, very good day. There was a warmth in his chest that couldn’t be dampened by anything. The rush of endorphin he so rarely felt anymore. He wanted Isak to wake up so he could tell him that he loved him again, and hear it said back. Something told him he would be waiting a while, though.
 
He kissed him softly on the cheek, unable to keep the smile off his face. His boyfriend didn’t stir at all. Food was probably a good idea, Even decided. Isak would need it when he woke up. Would he think it was too cheesy if Even brought him breakfast in bed? Probably. Was that going to stop him from doing it anyway? Definitely not.
 
He grabbed some clothes - clean underwear, the jeans from last night, and a shirt belonging to Isak - before heading to the shower. He was dressed and towelling his hair dry on the way out when he heard the front door open and close. Most likely Noora on the way back from Eva’s place. He was mildly surprised to see Eskild standing in the entranceway instead, wearing the same clothes from the night before.
 
“You’re up early,” the other boy said, before he could get a word in.
 
Even checked his watch. “It’s quarter to eleven, but okay.”
 
“You and I clearly have very different definitions of ‘early’,” Eskild shrugged. “Did you have a good time last night?”
 
“Yeah it was great. Thanks for showing us around,” Even grinned at him slyly. “And…I’m guessing you had a good night too?”
 
Eskild winked, but didn’t go into any further detail. Unusual for him, though Even didn’t feel the need to push it.
 
“Do you want breakfast? I was going to pick up some things from down the road.”
 
Eskild’s eyes brightened. “Even, did I mention that I really like having you around the apartment?”
 
He laughed. “Do you need anything else while I’m down there? I might get Isak a takeaway coffee from KB. I was going to do like a full breakfast in bed thing for him.”
 
Eskild studied him carefully for a moment.
 
“What? Is that too lame?” he asked, somewhat embarrassedly.
 
“You’re in a good mood today, aren’t you? Too good a mood,” the other boy narrowed his eyes. “Breakfast in bed? Takeaway coffee? Big, stupid grin on your face? You got some last night, didn’t you?”
 
Even spluttered.
 
“Don’t give me that crinkle-eyed smile thing you do! That might work on Isak, but it’s not going to work on me,” he crossed his arms, scowling. “Isak broke the house rule. I knew he would. That little bastard.”
 
“Eskild, we didn’t break the house rule.”
 
“Uh huh, sure. Nobody is this good a boyfriend for no reason. After I’ve been so well behaved, too.”
 
Even shrugged, realising he wasn’t going to get anywhere. “What do want to go in your omelette?”
 
Eskild’s frown abruptly transformed into a sugary sweet smile. “Cheese and spinach, please. And mushrooms.”
 
“Okay,” Even laughed, “I’ll be back soon.”
 
It had turned into a beautiful day outside. The sun was making a proper appearance for the first time in a while, which had drawn more people out of their houses than usual. Streets and shops were bustling with activity - friends chatting together over coffee, excited children enjoying a day out with their parents, and couples holding hands and kissing. It felt like the rest of the world was just as happy as Even. If his life was a romantic comedy, this scene would probably be a montage, complete with overlay of unnecessarily upbeat pop music. The high point in the film, when everything was going well for the lead.
 
He picked up the groceries first, then stopped at KB. Ordered coffee for himself, Isak, Eskild and Linn, and a hot chocolate for Lea. Carrying all of it back was going to be a challenge, but thankfully he didn’t have far to go.
 
There was a black sedan parked out the front of the Kollektiv when Even got back, which hadn’t been there before. The street was usually pretty busy, and it would have been unremarkable if not for the woman sitting patiently in the front seat. Something about her seemed damn familiar, though Even couldn’t place her. She was playing with her phone, but her eyes flitted up for a second as he walked past and she did a double-take, staring at him. Her brows furrowed, and he had the feeling she was trying to figure out where she knew him from, too.
 
He thought about it more after he rang the buzzer to the building and made his way upstairs. Had she been a teacher at Bakka, maybe? Somebody he’d met while he was in hospital? Could always have been one of those weird ‘deja vu’ moments, he supposed. Perhaps he’d never know.
 
“We may have a slight situation,” Lea said anxiously, when she opened the front door for him. She was still wearing her pyjamas, enjoying a lazy Sunday morning…at least up until now.
 
“What’s wrong?” Even frowned in concern.
 
She chewed on her lip. Before she could say anything, however, Terje Valtersen emerged from the kitchen and stood behind her, and Even practically fell over from surprise.
 
“Hello, Even.”
 
“Hello, Terje,” Even replied, trying to remain as calm as possible. “Sorry. I’d shake your hand, but…”
 
“Oh,” the man nodded blandly. “Let me help you with that.”
 
“I’ve got it,” Lea blushed as she hurried to take the coffees from him. She hastily strode towards the kitchen, like her life depended on getting out of that situation as quickly as possible. Even couldn’t blame her.
 
“I didn’t know you were coming by today,” he said as he followed Lea with the groceries. It was the polite way of phrasing ‘what the fuck are you doing here?’, he hoped.
 
Terje appeared confused. “We spoke about it a week ago, remember? I tried calling you.”
 
Even racked his brain before finally realisation dawned. Fuck. Terje had made some random comment to Even at the dinner last week, about him possibly coming over to check out the Kollektiv and see Lea’s living arrangements. He’d even gone so far as to suggest Sunday morning, but there’d been no further discussion about it since. Even had said something along the lines of ‘that would be great’, but it was very offhanded, and he’d never expected an actual follow-through. He was beginning to learn - the hard way - that Terje always meant exactly what he said.
 
“That’s right,” he admitted. “Sorry. My phone ran out of battery.”
 
“He called me,” Lea explained. “He was already outside.”
 
Terje cleared his throat. “I was in the neighbourhood. I can’t stay long though, unfortunately. I have a lunch engagement. Just wanted to stop by.”
 
Even suddenly remembered where he knew the woman in the car from. The woman at the Japanese restaurant, who had exchanged that awkward little wave with his mother.
 
“Let me go and wake up, Isak,” he said, setting the groceries on the counter. “Help yourself to a coffee in the meantime, Terje. Lea, the hot chocolate is for you.”
 
Lea grinned at him. “Thanks, Even.”
 
Terje checked his watch. “Isak’s still asleep? It’s eleven thirty in the morning.”
 
“Well, it is the weekend,” Even trailed away uncomfortably. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
 
It was terrible timing. The last thing Isak would want to deal with hungover was his father. Hopefully his ‘lunch engagement’ didn’t keep him around for long.
 
He grabbed a coffee and slowly opened the door to Isak’s bedroom. His boyfriend was right where he’d left him, barely having moved at all. Just seeing him was enough to make Even smile instantly. He put the coffee on his bedside table and climbed on top of Isak, kissing the side of his face that was exposed.
 
“Isak,” he whispered, nuzzling into him a bit, “…Isak.”
 
Isak groaned as he woke up, scrunching his eyes tighter.
 
“Baby,” he tried again, smiling against Isak’s skin as he kissed him, “you need to get up.”
 
A grin slowly crept across Isak’s face. “You are so annoying.”
 
Even rolled onto his side, allowing Isak to sit up. He winced and rubbed his eyes as they opened.
 
“How are you feeling?” he asked teasingly. Like he needed to ask that question in the first place.
 
Isak grimaced. “Like I never want to drink again.”
 
“That’s one thing I don’t miss about drinking heavily,” he grinned. “Do you think you could handle coffee? I left some for you over there.”
 
“You’re way too good.”
 
His movements were slow as he reached for the cup. Took a sip of it and winced, but had some more anyway.
 
“Do you want the good news or the bad news first?”
 
Isak paused. “Why do I have a very bad feeling about this?”
 
“Well, the good news is that I went shopping this morning and we have plenty of food,” he tried to sound positive. “The bad news is…your dad is here.”
 
“He’s what?” Isak choked on his coffee. He handed it to Even to have some, picking up the water instead.
 
“Remember last week, when he said he wanted to see where you and Lea were living?”
 
Just like Even, it took Isak a moment to figure it out.
 
“Fuck.”
 
“Sorry,” Even admitted. “I think it’s my fault. I said it was cool, or something.”
 
“No,” Isak heaved a sigh. “He’s never been great at…you know…reading social queues. He takes everything literally.”
 
Even reached across and brushed some of the hair out of Isak’s face, until he made him smile again.
 
“It’s going to be hard hiding the fact that I’m hungover,” he laughed wryly, thinking for a moment. “Fucking hell, I don’t even remember how I got home last night.”
 
Even’s heart stopped. “You don’t?”
 
“No,” Isak laughed again, leaning his head back against the wall. “The last thing I can remember properly is…dancing with you. And then I did those shots with Eva. After that, it gets kind of blurry.”
 
“Oh.”
 
Something in Even’s expression must have changed, because Isak’s smile fell.
 
“I didn’t do anything weird or embarrassing, did I?” he asked worriedly.
 
Even forced himself to smile. “No. You didn’t do anything.”
 
Isak nodded, then breathed a sigh of relief. “Phew. Okay.”
 
He knew that he should have expected this. Isak was so wasted he’d tried to give him a strip tease, for crying out loud. Why did it still feel like shit, though? Why did it feel like all the joy had suddenly been sucked out of him with a vacuum?
 
“Is everything cool?”
 
“Yeah, of course,” Even tried is best to act normal. “Want to go and talk to your dad?”
 
“I don’t really have a choice, do I?” Isak pulled a face, then leaned over and kissed him. “Um, thank you. For looking after me last night. And sorry if Drunk Isak was shit.”
 
“It’s cool. I like Drunk Isak, remember?”
 
It took Isak a while to get out of bed and throw some clothes on, pausing every now and then and appearing dangerously close to throwing up. Eskild’s voice could be heard echoing throughout the apartment when they opened the door, which could only mean one thing.
 
“Oh no,” Isak cringed.
 
“So that’s how I taught Isak the importance of room diffuser-” Eskild was saying, pausing when they entered the living area. “Hey, little buddy!”
 
He’d showered and changed into his kimono-style dressing gown since coming home, and seemed to be in the midst of giving Terje a tour of the Kollektiv. Linn was standing on Terje’s other side in her tracksuit, silently sipping her coffee, while Lea hung back giggling at the situation which was unfolding.
 
“What are you doing?” Isak asked blearily, squinting from the natural light that was pouring into the room.
 
“Linn and I were just getting to know Papa Valtersen,” Eskild put a hand on Terje’s shoulder, and he practically jumped three feet into the air.
 
“We’re giving him the grand tour,” Linn explained, pausing to sip her coffee. “But since it’s a small apartment…the tour is kind of over already.”
 
Even had never seen Terje more flustered before. He coughed into his hand.
 
“There are certainly a lot of people living here for such a small apartment,” he remarked. “If you include Even and Lea.”
 
“Oh, I don’t live here, Terje,” Even smiled politely. “I live with my parents.”
 
“He’s over here a lot though,” Lea told her father.
 
“Sorry, I assumed,” Terje said.
 
Eskild winked in Isak and Even’s direction. “Only a matter of time.”
 
Even made eye contact with his boyfriend for a second, before they both looked away and blushed profusely. That conversation hadn’t even entered the realm of thought yet, for either of them, Even was sure. He was still trying to process the one they’d just had.
 
Terje seemed just as eager to change topics as Even felt.
 
“Isak, what were you doing in bed this late?” he asked, in the disapproving tone reserved exclusively for parents.
 
“They all went out last night,” Linn said.
 
“Went out studying,” Isak added quickly. “I was up late studying for Biology test with my lab partner, Sana.”
 
Linn appeared confused. “I thought you went to a gay bar?”
 
Lea’s eyes widened, horrified.
 
“Uh, Linn,” Eskild laughed awkwardly, hoping to diffuse the tension, “I don’t know if Papa would approve of that.”
 
Terje frowned at his son. “But you’re underage.”
 
“Yes, exactly,” Isak narrowed his eyes at his housemate. “I think Linn just got confused. Eskild was the one who went out last night.”
 
Linn shrugged, sipping her coffee some more.
 
“Good,” Terje replied, though he appeared unconvinced. “Sneaking into bars…that would be setting a bad example for your sister.”
 
It was hard for Even to imagine what it would have been like, growing up with a parent like Terje. His own parents seemed almost too relaxed by comparison. They were never under any illusions about what he was going to get up to as a teen. Their version of parental control was to give him condoms, warn him about the dangers of binge drinking and drug overdoses, and tell him he could always call them, no matter what mistakes he’d made. They’d become a bit stricter after he was diagnosed with bipolar, but he still couldn’t picture Lise or Petter ever reprimanding him like this. Especially not publicly.
 
Isak was evidently used to it, lowering his eyes and saying nothing.
 
“Well, I think Isak is an excellent role model,” Eskild offered. “Of course, he learned from the best, so…”
 
“Thanks, Eskild,” Isak sounded genuinely touched.
 
“He’s always looking out for Lea,” Eskild said to Terje. “Making sure the rest of us don’t talk about se-…uh…”
 
“I know what sex is, guys,” Lea crossed her arms.
 
Both Isak and Terje had turned bright red.
 
“Okay, I think that about wraps this up,” Isak said. “Dad, Even and I have to study, so…”
 
“Yes, okay, then,” Terje seemed relieved. “It was nice meeting you all.”
 
“You too, Papa Valtersen,” Eskild grinned and touched his shoulder again, “come back anytime.”
 
“We’ll walk you out,” Isak suggested, placing a hand on Even’s arm.
 
They followed Terje back to the entranceway, where he started putting on his shoes and coat.
 
“Your housemates certainly are…colourful,” he told his son.
 
Isak shrugged tersely. “They are what they are.”
 
“And do you think your sister is okay? I’m concerned this isn’t the best environment for her.”
 
Isak only shrugged again and licked his lips. Even had the impression that Isak often kept his mouth shut, when it came to dealing with his father, even if he had something to say.
 
“I think this is a great place for Lea to live,” Even couldn’t help interjecting. “She seems very happy. At least, that’s my opinion.”
 
Terje studied him intensely, but Even didn’t falter for an instant. He might be Isak’s father, but that didn’t mean Even needed to passively accept everything he said that he didn’t agree with.
 
“Well,” he said slowly, “she’s welcome to move in with me, if it becomes too crowded here.”
 
Isak leaned against the wall, still looking as though he was having trouble keeping himself upright.
 
“Isak, are you feeling alright?” Terje asked, lowering his voice to a softer, more caring tone. “You look unwell.”
 
“Just tired,” Isak managed a smile.
 
“And your mother?” Terje pressed, concern evident in her eyes. “Is she…are you…?”
 
“I see her every Wednesday and Saturday. She’s better, I think. They, uh, moved her into her own room.”
 
Terje nodded, pondering a moment before he spoke. “Are they giving her the pescatarian meals on Fridays? I made sure to include that on her admission papers.”
 
“Yeah, Dad, I’m pretty sure.”
 
Even remembered Terje sitting in the Valtersen kitchen, brows furrowed over his reading glasses as he scrutinised all the fine print, and meticulously filled out the forms that would admit his estranged wife to a mental health facility. Alt er love, he had thought to himself at the time.
 
“If those doctors try and change her anti-psychotics again, be sure to let me know,” Terje said firmly. “I’ll want to research what they’re giving her. I might not be a psychiatrist, but I’m still a doctor. I should have input.”
 
Isak said nothing. Even watched him pick at a piece of paint on the wall.
 
“And don’t forget about Camilla’s wedding. It’s coming up next weekend,” Terje said. “I haven’t been pushing it, in light of…everything…but I’ll buy the plane tickets tonight, okay? I think it’s important, more so than ever, that we go.”
 
Even vaguely recalled Isak saying something to him about a wedding, some time ago. He’d heard Marianne bring it up a few times, too, though he hadn’t given much credence to it. It had seemed like she really wanted to be there.
 
“Camilla,” Isak muttered, then lifted his gaze to meet his father’s. “Yeah. Okay.”
 
Terje glanced quickly at Even, before returning to his son.
 
“You’re welcome to bring Even with us. I’ll buy him a ticket.”
 
Even blinked in surprise. “Oh! Terje, you don’t have to do that.”
 
Isak appeared to be just as stunned, glancing furtively between his father and boyfriend, as though he was trying to work out if he’d missed something.
 
“It’s no trouble,” Terje smiled in Even’s direction. “I think Isak and Lea will both have a much better time, if you’re there.”
 
The gesture was oddly in touching. In his strange, Terje-esque way, it could almost be interpreted as a sign of affection.
 
“Well, thank you,” he said, suddenly feeling rather humble.
 
Terje cleared his throat. “It’s in Tromsø, so…make sure you rug up warm. I’ll be in touch, okay?”
 
He hugged his son goodbye, then shook hands with Even. As soon as he was gone, Isak’s shoulders slumped, releasing some of the tension he’d been carrying.
 
“Fucking hell, that was awkward,” he groaned. “Sorry. And sorry you got conned into going to my stupid cousin’s wedding.”
 
“I don’t mind. I thought it was nice,” Even said warily. “Unless…if you don’t want me to go…”
 
“No!” Isak said quickly. He reached across the hall and touched Even’s cheek. “My dad was right about one thing. It will be a lot better if you’re there. But…fair warning, my family is fucking terrible.”
 
“I’m sure they’re not so bad.”
 
Isak laughed wryly. “Come back to me on that in a week.” 
 
The hand caressing him felt so warm. Even tried to focus on it, but inside he still felt so hollow.
 
“You should tell him how you feel,” he said suddenly, without thinking.
 
“Huh?”
 
“Your dad,” he clarified. “I think you should tell him how you feel, more often. Sometimes, when you talk to him, it seems like you’re holding yourself back. But maybe what you want to say is the thing he really needs to hear.”
 
Isak stared at him intently, the hand on his face making its way down towards his neck.
 
“It’s not that easy,” he said quietly.
 
“Yeah,” Even sighed, “I get that.”
 
He felt Isak’s lips press tenderly against his. He could still smell the vodka on him from last night, but it didn’t matter. The could always smell, feel, taste Isak the most.
 
“I really like you,” his boyfriend whispered with a smile, as they broke apart.
 
“I really like you too,” Even whispered back, as his heart began to break in two.
 
***

19:06

If the person you love tells you that they love you, but they don’t remember it, did they really mean it? If they were drunk at the time, did it count? Should you tell them? Was it worth potentially feeling worse than you already did?
 
Even asked himself these questions over and over as he lay on the couch in his bedroom. He flipped his phone around in his hands in a continuing, rhythmic pattern, letting it drop to his stomach every time. Something about it was oddly cathartic. He tried to focus on the way it felt, down to the last detail. His old Mindfulness instructor would have been proud, he thought grimly.
 
He knew he’d been a moody shit for most of the day, but he was having trouble breaking out of it. He’d tried his best to hang out with Isak and act like nothing was wrong for a few hours after Terje left, but in the end, it was making him feel worse. It was best not to think about how confused and worried his boyfriend had looked when he abruptly and curtly announced that he wanted to go home. He’d shut himself in his bedroom. Tried to think. Then tried not to think.
 
Lise and Petter were probably worried, as well. They always worried too much whenever he got snappy with them - as he had done earlier - or requested extra time alone. They had a right to worry, of course. More so than any other parent. But this time, Even was certain, they really didn’t have to. This time, it was just your stock standard, run-of-the-mill relationship angst.
 
He could always go to his parents for advice, but Even already knew what they were going to say. This is all new for Isak, so don’t expect too much. Relationships are hard work. They take time. And they’d be right, of course. That wasn’t making him any less disappointed and upset.
 
He tried to distract himself with drawing. One of the things he’d always loved about sketching was how it could transport him to another planet. He’d forget about everything - problems, people, what day or time it was - and sometimes, when he was really into it, he’d even forget to eat. For a while, it seemed to work. But when his phone buzzed with a text, it snapped him back to reality. He pulled back from it, he realised he’d subconsciously outlined half of Isak’s face across a full page. He stared at it for a while, before tossing the sketchpad onto the floor.
 
A name he hadn’t seen for quite some time appeared on his phone screen when he picked it up. His eyes focused on this first before he read what it said.
 
Sonja.

Hey, I need you to come by sometime this week and pick up your stuff.

There was still some clothes and things he’d left at his ex’s house. He’d just assumed he would never get them back, considering the way things ended between them. The last time he’d seen or spoken to her, he was manic as fuck. He’d gone over to her house in the middle of the night to tell her to stop calling Isak and just leave them alone. The next day, he and Isak had gone to the hotel.

I’m not sure. This week might be busy.

It was a bit of a shit response, Even had to admit. In truth, though, he had no idea what to say to her. The reply came back almost instantaneously.

You need to make time. I’m moving to Stockholm on Friday.

A million things raced through his mind. She was moving to Stockholm? Since when? It had only been about a month and a half since they last spoke, so she couldn’t have made the decision long ago. It was highly uncharacteristic of her. Sonja had always been so responsible. So practical. She was not the sort of person to up and move to another country on a whim, leaving all her friends and family behind. At least, not the Sonja Even had known.
 
He hesitated, flipping the phone around in his hand again. Was he really ready to see Sonja again?  He didn’t care too much about the stuff, but if she was leaving Oslo, it could be the last chance he’d get for a while. He pictured her face the day he confessed he was having feelings for a boy at school, and was overcome with guilt.
 
I can come by tomorrow after my last class.
 
What a fucking day this had turned out to be.
 
***

Monday, 6 February, 2017

10:34

“Since Valentine’s Day is coming up,” the English teacher told the class, “I thought it might be fun for us all to choose a classic love story in English, and adapt it into a contemporary setting.”
 
“It might be fun?” Anders muttered to Even. “In what universe is that fun? Is she on crack?”
 
Even covered his mouth so the teacher couldn’t see him laugh.
 
“You can use the rest of the class to start coming up with ideas. Feel free to discuss it between yourselves,” she continued. “You can submit it to me during our afternoon lesson on Tuesday next week.”
 
She went on to explain the word limit and the rules surrounding the assignment. One of the girls turned around and mumbled something to the friend sitting behind her, despondent.
 
“Do you think she’s upset because ‘Twilight’ doesn’t count as a classic?” Even joked.
 
Anders spluttered. “No. She definitely seems more ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ to me.”
 
The teacher handed out an approved list of stories they could use for the assignment, and Anders grimaced.
 
“Fuck, I have read none of these,” he grumbled. “Which one are you going to do?”
 
Even skimmed the page. “Probably ‘Romeo and Juliet’. I know it off by heart, so it should be easy.”
 
“No shit?”
 
“Yeah,” Even nodded seriously. “But instead, my adaptation will follow the passionate yet doomed romance between Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump.”
 
“Uhh,” Anders laughed awkwardly, unable to tell whether he was kidding or not, “wait, aren’t they both married?”
 
“Not relevant,” Even shrugged. “Melania might make an appearance in it somewhere. Every story needs a hot chick.”
 
Anders shook his head. “Man, I would love to live in your head for just like, a day. It would be a fucking trip.”
 
Even grinned. It was as good an idea as any. He wasn’t sure if the teacher would appreciate it, though.
 
“Are you going to do anything for Valentine’s Day?” Anders asked offhandedly.
 
“No,” Even shook his head, laughing. “Isak isn’t into that sort of thing.”
 
“You’re lucky,” his friend said earnestly. “Last year, Nils forgot to get his girlfriend flowers, and she cried publicly then didn’t speak to him for a week.”
 
“Nils’ girlfriend sounds a bit neurotic,” Even answered. Not that he could talk.
 
“She’s okay. I think she got weird because they were fighting about stuff. She told him she loved him but he hadn’t said it back yet, or something. Real dramatic,” Anders waved it away. “All in the past now, though.”
 
Even didn’t say anything, hoping his friend would change the subject. Instead, his eyes widened in realisation.
 
“Oh shit, that hit a nerve for you, didn’t it?” he said guiltily. “Did that happen to you?”
 
“No,” Even said quickly, before expelling a sigh. “Sort of.”
 
Anders nodded sombrely. “Are you Nils or Nils’ girlfriend in this scenario?”
 
“Neither,” Even felt himself growing more uncomfortable, the more personal it got. “Do you mind if we don’t talk about this anymore?”
 
“Yeah. Sure, man.”
 
An awkward silence fell over them, as the rest of the class continued chattering in the background.
 
“Anders,” Even said slowly, “if someone tells you something when they’re really drunk, do you believe it?”
 
The other boy considered this seriously, leaning back on his chair.
 
“I don’t know. I mean it’s not really ideal, is it? Especially if they do that thing where they tell you they don’t remember ever saying, and you know that’s bullshit,” he laughed to himself, then frowned when he saw Even’s face. “…And I’m making it worse, aren’t I? Okay. I’m going to shut up.”
 
Even searched for literally anything else to talk about.
 
“You never told me how the rest of your night went on Saturday,” he said. “Hanna said you went home with someone.”
 
Anders blushed, staring at his lap.
 
“Uh, yeah, but it wasn’t really…it was kind of tame. Nice, though,” he laughed nervously. “Do you mind if we don’t talk about this anymore?”
 
Even smiled. “Sure.”
 
“It was like your adaptation. Passionate but doomed. But please don’t make me tell you whether I’m Kim Jong-Un or Donald Trump.”
 
“It’s cool. I’ll just come to my own conclusion.”
 
***

15:16

Even felt two hands wrap around his chest from behind.
 
“Hey!” his boyfriend said happily, holding Even’s arms to his side.
 
“Hey,” Even laughed, thought it felt like his heart wasn’t really in it.
 
Isak let go, and he spun around to face them. A couple of first year girls had stopped to watch them in the school corridor, whispering and beaming together like all their Christmases had come at once.
 
“I haven’t seen you much today,” Isak tried to sound casual, but Even could sense a hint of concern in his voice.
 
He’d had lunch with Anders and his friends again. It wasn’t like he’d been avoiding Isak…definitely not. Just…
 
“Yeah, it’s been sort of busy,” he said evasively.
 
Okay, maybe he was avoiding him. He thought about Isak laughing in bed, telling him he couldn’t remember the night before, and there was an anxious, churning sensation in his stomach.
 
Isak attempted to shrug it off. “What are you doing now?”
 
Even gave a noncommittal shrug. He was being shit and he knew it, but he couldn’t stop himself. It was like watching a movie where the lead kept making bad decisions, and wanting to scream at the screen.
 
“You know, Lea’s probably comfortable enough at the Kollektiv now…I don’t think she’d care if I spent a night away,” his boyfriend took a step closer to him. “And your parents won’t be home for a few hours, right?”
 
He was being so cute and coy, but it somehow made Even feel even worse. He wanted to try and explain it, but truth be told, he couldn’t fully explain it in his own head.
 
“I kind of have plans,” he said.
 
Isak’s brows creased. “Yeah? Is everything okay?”
 
Even hesitated before responding.
 
“It’s fine. I have to go over to Sonja’s for a bit. She needs me to pick up some of my old stuff.”
 
This clearly wasn’t the answer that Isak had been expecting. His eyes widened, as he appeared to search for where to place this.
 
“Okay,” he replied warily.
 
“She’s moving to Stockholm,” Even explained.
 
“Oh,” a thousand thoughts raced across Isak’s face. “And…you’re okay, with that? It might be weird, seeing her again.”
 
“Yeah,” Even’s eyes flittered around the corridor. “Do you mind if we talk later? It’s just…”
 
Isak blinked. “Yeah. Yeah, of course. Whenever you want to.”
 
Stop being such an asshole to him! he screamed at himself internally. It wasn’t Isak’s fucking fault.
 
He kissed his boyfriend on the cheek quickly. “I’ll text you later.”
 
He hated on himself a bit as he walked away.
 
***

15:58

The apartment block where Sonja and her family lived was a short walking distance from Elvebakken school. After he dropped out, Even had avoided going over there like the plague, with Sonja spending most weekends at his place instead while they were still dating. Even after his classmates had graduated, and there was very little chance of running into any of them, it was still a problem. Just walking past the campus brought up a number of feelings he’d rather pretend didn’t exist.
 
Last year, Sonja had tried to force him to go with her to the graduation ceremony. She thought it would be important closure for him, and he believed she’d been well-intentioned. He’d made it as far as the school gate, before having a full-blown panic attack.
 
As he passed the school, Even pulled his hood up and kept his head down, until he turned into Sonja’s street. He rang the buzzer, and waited for what felt like an eternity before he saw her coming down the stairs through the glass door. It was so strange. What had once been the most familiar sight in the world to him now seemed totally foreign.
 
“Hey,” she said cooly as she opened the door. She looked so different, but it took a second for Even to realise why. She’d dyed her hair dark brown.
 
“When did you do that?” he asked, gesturing to it.
 
Sonja blinked in confusion before touching her head. “Oh. A while ago, now. Come in, I don’t really have a lot of time.”
 
She stood back and allowed him to pass inside. It occurred to him halfway up the stairs that there was a chance her parents or older sisters could be home. The thought of being confronted by Sonja’s family, after the messy way their relationship ended, made him feel sick.
 
“Your parents aren’t around, are they?”
 
Sonja pushed in front of him so she could unlock the door. “No. I’m here by myself right now.”
 
“Oh, okay.” Thank fuck for that.
 
He followed her to her bedroom, which was a messy array of boxes stacked on top of each other. The walls, once lined with posters, were stripped barren, and all the furniture except for the bed had been removed.
 
“Wow,” he stated, as he looked around. “You really are moving, aren’t you?”
 
Sonja rolled her eyes. “I wasn’t just saying that for the sake of it.”
 
She began looking through the boxes, peering at the labels she’d written on them in black texta.
 
“Why Stockholm?” he asked.
 
“It’s as good a place to live as any,” she replied, while continuing her search. “I finished up at work last week. Trond was pretty upset.”
 
“I bet,” Even grinned. Trond always had a bit of a thing for Sonja. They used to joke about it together.
 
She stopped and glanced up at him briefly, the tiniest hint of a smile crossing her lips.
 
“What are you going to do over there? Study? Work?”
 
“I haven’t really decided yet,” Sonja admitted. “Elise has a cousin who lives there. I’ll be staying on her couch for a while, until I find my feet.”
 
It sounded like she didn’t really have a plan at all. It was hard for Even to rectify what he was hearing with the girl he’d been in a relationship with for four years. Sonja always had a plan for everything.
 
“Sounds like it’s going to be a big change for you,” he said.
 
“Yeah,” she smiled sadly to herself, “I think I’m ready for a big change.”
 
She found what she was looking for, bending down to collect a large box. Even saw his name had been scribbled onto the side.
 
“Did I really leave that much stuff here?” he asked in surprise. He’d really only been expecting a handful of things.
 
Sonja grunted a little with the effort it took to carry the box across the room. She dropped it into Even’s arms, which almost sank under the weight.
 
“Well, I’ve secretly been stealing your hoodies for the past four years,” she told him with a tiny grin. “I built up quite a collection over time.”
 
Even laughed. “I always wondered why they kept disappearing. I thought I was just really good at losing things.”
 
“I guess the truth is finally coming out,” she laughed with him, then stopped herself. She wrapped both arms protectively around her middle. “There’s also some books and DVDs you leant me over the years. And, uh, that silver bracelet you got me for my birthday last year. Maybe you can sell it and get some of your money back. I don’t know.”
 
“Son…” Even set the box down on the ground, where it landed with a thud, “I don’t want to do that. It was a gift. You should keep it.”
 
Sonja studied the ground. “If it’s okay with you, I’d rather not. Nothing personal. I’m just…I’m really in a place right now where I need to get rid of everything, you know? Total fresh start.”
 
If anybody deserved that, Even thought sadly, it was her. He thought again about the Bakka graduation. Neither he or Sonja made it to the ceremony, in the end. She’d taken him to hospital, not knowing what else to do. Her graduation day was spent sitting diligently beside him in the emergency room, rubbing his back while he hyperventilated into a paper bag.
 
“I’ll hold onto it for you,” he told her, “in case you change your mind.”
 
She laughed awkwardly. “Well, thanks.”
 
They stood stiffly in the centre of the room, without knowing what to say.
 
“How’s Isak?” Sonja asked after a time.
 
“Uh, he’s good,” Even answered, uncertainly. “It’s…you know…it’s going well.”
 
She bit her lip and nodded quietly to herself. For the second time in two days, Even’s heart was breaking.
 
“I’m really sorry, Sonja,” he said sincerely, his own voice sounding strained to his ears. “I never meant for things to turn out this way.”
 
His ex girlfriend sniffed. Rubbed her eyes, even though they were dry. It reminded him of when he’d first broke the news to her about Isak, and she suggested they take a break.
 
“Do you know what really sucks?” she said, smiling strangely. “Elise and Eskild think you’re an asshole. My parents think you’re the scum of the earth. My sisters want to break your neck for how much you hurt me.”
 
Even winced.
 
“I can get that,” he conceded.
 
“The problem is,” she sighed, “I don’t think you’re an asshole, at all. I don’t hate you. I’m not even angry about it, anymore. I’m just…sad.”
 
She sat down on the edge of her bed, shoulders slumped forward in defeat.
 
“When do I get to stop being sad?”
 
Even sat down tentatively beside her. The space between them felt insurmountable.
 
“I’m sad too,” he confessed.
 
“Uh huh,” she narrowed her eyes at him, sarcastically. “What do you have to be sad about? You won the breakup.”
 
“I don’t think anybody wins a breakup, Sonja,” he told her. “It sucked for me, ending things with you. You were my rock for four years. You stood by me, no matter what. In situations where a lot of people probably would have run away, and been forgiven for it, too.”
 
“But you fell in love with somebody else.”
 
Even sighed deeply. “Yeah. I did.”
 
Silence engulfed them again, as they both stared around the cluttered, yet empty, bedroom.
 
“I thought it was going to be like the last time we had a break,” Sonja finally said. “I thought it would be like what I had, with that guy from work. When you told me you’d kissed Isak - that you might have feelings for him - I figured that if I gave you some space, you’d eventually get over it and come back to me. Then you started getting really manic again…and in my head, I linked that with what was happening with Isak, because of what happened with you and Mikael, and…well…that seems really fucking stupid, now that I think about it.”
 
“No, it doesn’t,” Even said gently. “I can see why you would have felt that way.”
 
“But it wasn’t like what happened last time, was it?” she continued. “I think I always knew that, deep down. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. When you told me, I wasn’t even that surprised. I saw the way you’d look at Isak. I saw the way he’d look at you. I just pretended not to. But….it was the real deal. You could tell.”
 
Even leaned back on his hands, staring up at the ceiling.
 
“I wish I could go back and do it again,” he said. “I wish I could have ended things with you before I started anything with him, so it wouldn’t have hurt as much. I’m going to feel guilty about that for the rest of my life.”
 
Sonja stared at her lap contemplatively.
 
“Do you want to know a secret?”
 
Even gave her a tiny smile. “Sure.”
 
“Towards the middle of third year…before you went to hospital…I wanted to break up with you,” she said. “I talked about it with Elise a lot. I knew it wasn’t really working. I was just sick of us fighting all the time. Of the fact that I didn’t get along with any of your friends. Of the way you were always drinking and smoking, and lying to me about it. Of how fucking hard it was to reach you at all, when you were depressed. I was on the verge of ending it, but then…then you got sick. And suddenly nothing else in the world mattered anymore.”
 
Even honestly had no idea.
 
“All those days I visited you in hospital, I felt so fucking guilty,” she continued. “I couldn’t believe I’d ever even thought about leaving you. I mean, how could I do that? You were mentally ill. You needed me. At least, that’s what I believed, back then.”
 
“I did need you,” Even said hoarsely. “And…fuck, I am so sorry.”
 
“It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but my own. But I can’t help thinking that if we’d broken up sooner, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe we could be friends, by now.”
 
“We can still be friends,” he replied, “if you want to be.”
 
Sonja smiled to herself. “I don’t know. I can’t see it happening, just yet. Maybe one day, down the track.”
 
“I’d like that,” Even smiled back. “I really mean it.”
 
They sat in silence again. A gust of wind outside picked up some leaves, so that they danced against the window.
 
“What time is your flight on Friday?” Even asked, turning to her.
 
“Ten in the morning. My whole family is coming to see me off,” Sonja leaned forward and rested her head in her hands, laughing. “You know, they’re all so excited for me, starting this new life. I don’t have the guts to ruin it by telling them that I’m fucking terrified.”
 
Even frowned in concern. “Yeah?”
 
“Yeah,” she said anxiously. “I’ve got no job, no friends or family there. I’ve barely even got a place to live. All I’ve got is Elise’s cousin, who I don’t even know. What if she’s a bitch?”
 
Even laughed.
 
“I’m serious!” Sonja grinned. “What if I’m making a huge mistake?”
 
“What if you’re not?” Even asked. “What if this turns out to be the best thing that’s ever happened to you?”
 
“I guess Stockholm isn’t exactly the other side of the world.”
 
Even studied her face, overcome with nothing but the deepest admiration. It was good to see her smiling at laughing again.
 
“You’ll be brilliant,” he smiled. “You always are. Stockholm won’t know what’s hit it.”
 
Her grin broadened. “Thanks, Even. That actually means a lot.”
 
“Maybe you’ll meet a hot Swedish boy,” he teased. “Find your own ‘real deal’.”
 
“Maybe,” she spluttered. “Hopefully he doesn’t dump me for a cute guy with curly blonde hair and a six pack.”
 
“Won’t happen to you a second time. Nobody is that unlucky.”
 
She shook her head, laughing.
 
“I do hope it works out with you and Isak,” she said, blinking in surprise. “Wow, I actually did mean that. It wasn’t even sarcastic, or anything.”
 
“Thank you,” he answered. “I think it will. I mean, I hope so, too. It’s just…I know being with me isn’t always easy.”
 
“You’re not so bad,” Sonja smiled fondly. “Just make sure you’re always straight with him, yeah?”
 
“What do you mean?”
 
“Well, with you, everything always has to be a thing, you know? Like a scene from a movie, because that’s how you understand the world. But real life isn’t like that. Sometimes I used to think that you were forever waiting for the perfect moment. If you keep waiting, though, it’s all going to pass you by.”
 
Even stared at her, letting the words sink in.
 
“The truth is, the perfect moment is right now. It’s always right now,” she told him, then shook her head. “Come on, I’ll walk you out. I really do need to finish packing.”
 
She led him down to the apartment block door, where he stepped back out into the cold. She leaned against the doorframe.
 
“I guess this is goodbye for now,” she said, with a slight hitch in her voice.
 
Even dropped the box on the ground next to her. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into a tight hug.
 
“Good luck, Sonja.”
 
He felt her smile into his shoulder.
 
“Good luck, Even.”
 
***

20:17

Isak seemed genuinely stunned to find Even standing at his bedroom doorframe.
 
“What are you doing here?”
 
“Your sister let me in,” Even explained. “Sorry, I probably should have called or something.”
 
His boyfriend was sitting on his bed, surrounded by a mound of textbooks and his laptop. He pushed them aside, uncrossing his legs so he could stand up.
 
“No, it’s just…I didn’t think I’d see you tonight.”
 
Even stepped into the room so he could close the door behind him. He met Isak in the middle, taking his hand in his.
 
“How was seeing Sonja?” Isak asked warily.
 
Even smiled. “It went fine.”
 
“Did you get your stuff back?”
 
“Yeah, no problems.”
 
“And…it wasn’t too weird, or anything?”
 
“Actually, no. It wasn’t that weird at all.”
 
“And you’re not-”
 
“Isak, I love you,” Even cut him off.
 
His boyfriend practically fell backwards.
 
“I’m sorry for being so moody and shit,” he went on, as his heart pounded in his chest. “It’s just…I wanted to tell you that. I’ve wanted to tell you that for so long, but I’ve been waiting for the right moment. I didn’t realise that every moment is the right moment. And you don’t have to say it back, by the way. You can take as long as you need to. I just thought you should know. And-”
 
He was cut off from rambling any further when Isak grabbed the back of his neck, crushing their lips together in a passionate kiss. They kissed each other over and over, like it was both the first and the last time.
 
Blush crept into Isak’s cheeks.
 
“I love you too.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Tuesday, 7 February, 2017

08:53

“My dad texted me the flight details for Friday,” Isak told his boyfriend as they walked to school, hand in hand. “He made this huge deal about how we need to get to the airport three hours early, for some reason.”
 
“I know,” Even laughed, “he sent me the same text.”
 
“Why did he do that?” Isak groaned. He wished Terje didn’t have Even’s number. There was literally nothing he could do to stop him from sending embarrassing things.
 
“I don’t mind,” Even smiled. “I mean, it’s awkward, but it’s also sort of nice.”
 
“I guess so,” Isak admitted. Better than having a father who didn’t approve of him having a boyfriend at all.
 
He’d been riding a bit of a high since Even told him that he loved him, last night. He was second guessing his every word and move, wondering what he’d done to make Even angry at him, when he showed up unexpectedly at his bedroom door and told him the one thing he’d been desperate to hear. They fell asleep cuddling, saying it to each other over and over again.
 
“Just so you know, you really don’t have to come to this thing,” he assured the other boy, as they neared Nissen’s front gate. “Even if my dad bought you a ticket. We can just tell him you’re sick or something. It’ll be fine.”
 
“Isak, of course I want to go,” Even grinned at him. “It can’t be as bad as you think it’s going to be.”
 
“Yes it can,” Isak laughed wryly. He hadn’t been lying when he told Even that his family was fucking terrible.
 
They stopped just in front of the school’s entrance, and Even leaned in for a surprise kiss. He could feel a tongue pressing against his lips, pushing in just enough to tease him.
 
“Relax,” he said calmly. “It’s just a weekend. It’s going to be fine.”
 
Isak beamed. It was hard not to believe his boyfriend when he looked at him like that. It was hard not to believe that everything would be fine, as long as they were together.
 
“Have a good day,” Even kissed him goodbye. “I love you.”
 
Isak immediately turned red.
 
“You too,” he mumbled.
 
Even had already started backing away across the school yard, in the direction of his first class. He smirked at him. “What was that?”
 
Isak rolled his eyes and sighed. “I said I love you too!”
 
It came out much louder than he’d intended. A group of girls standing nearby gasped and made collective ‘Awww!’ sounds. Isak didn’t think it was possible, but he’d actually turned redder.
 
Even laughed brightly, leaving Isak wondering whether he wanted to kiss him or punch him more.
  
***

13:34

“So last night,” Magnus said conversationally, in between bites of his food, “Vilde comes over and says she wants to try sixty-nine for the first time. Have you guys done it before?”
 
Jonas choked on a piece of bread. “Magnus!”
 
“What?”
 
“We’re trying to eat.”
 
Magnus shrugged. He waited until his friend had chewed and swallowed before trying again.
 
“So have you?”
 
Mahdi shook his head. “You know, I was really hoping that you’d calm down after you lost your virginity, but it’s only gotten worse.”
 
Jonas and Isak sniggered, but Magnus didn’t appear bothered by it. He looked around at his three friends across their lunch table.
 
“You’re avoiding the question,” he said incredulously. “Wait a second, does this mean I’ve done something in bed that none of you have? Does this mean that I’m now the most experienced person in the group?”
 
Mahdi and Jonas had their mouths open to retort, but nothing came out. They both stared sheepishly at the table.
 
“Ha!” Magnus was gloating. “Isak, what about you?”
 
“Me?” Isak pointed at himself, trying to act like the question was beneath him. He’d really been hoping he was going to get left out of this conversation.
 
“You’ve done sixty nine, right?” his friend continued. “I guess Even is so tall, the logistics of it might be hard.”
 
“Yeah, we’re not talking about this,” Isak answered, blushing profusely. He added in a low voice, “anyway, he’s not that much taller than me. Fuck.”
 
“Why not?” Magnus asked innocently. “You don’t think I can handle hearing details about your sex life?”
 
“No,” Isak tried to laugh it off, “because it’s fucking private, that’s why.”
 
“Aww, he’s getting all embarrassed,” Mahdi laughed.
 
Jonas grinned and reached over to poke Isak’s incredibly flushed cheek. He brushed his best friend’s hand away roughly.
 
“I bet you guys do it all the time, though,” Magnus said. It was hard to tell whether he was teasing Isak or being serious. “With two guys…I mean, guys think about sex all the time, don’t they?”
 
“That’s true,” Mahdi agreed.
 
“This conversation is making me really uncomfortable,” Isak said. Especially since their sex life had  actually been non-existent since Lea moved in.
 
Even and Anders had walked into the cafeteria together at the other end of the room. The former sought out Isak immediately, and beamed at him so widely that it was almost breathtaking. Isak grinned back at him with adoration.
 
“What’s going on with those two?” Mahdi asked, following Isak’s line of vision. “Did you end up finding someone to set Anders up with?”
 
“No, it’s cool,” Isak answered. “I just talked to Anders. We sorted it out.”
 
“See, what did I tell you guys?” Jonas added. “Just be straight up. Always.”
 
“I still think that my idea for dealing with it was the best,” Magnus grumbled.
 
Jonas laughed. “Magnus, no offence, but your advice was fucking terrible.”
 
“Not true! I give great advice! Anyway, you’re all welcome to come to me from now on if you need any advice about sex,” Magnus said smugly, “since I’m obviously the master, now.”
 
“Yeah, I’ll be sure to do that,” Mahdi rolled his eyes.
 
They all had to admit it to themselves, though. This time, Magnus kind of had them beat.
 
***

19:39

“You know, when you said you needed me to help you with your homework tonight, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind,” Isak grumbled, as he leaned against his bedroom wall.
 
Even was crouched on the floor, staring at his camera as he adjusted the lens. When he was working on something creative, Isak realised, he always got the same look in his eyes. It was this wide-eyed, focused intensity, like a spark had been ignited deep within him. He blinked out of it when he heard Isak’s voice, smiling up at him.
 
“Who else was I going to ask?” he pointed out.
 
“I don’t know. Noora? Anders? Eskild or Linn? Literally anybody else?”
 
“No,” his boyfriend laughed, “I wanted it to be you.”
 
His Photography class was doing a unit on portraiture, Even had explained, and he needed to produce a series of photos for an assignment due at the end of the week. And he’d left it to the last minute, of course, despite it counting for a huge percentage of his final grade. Isak was all for helping Even to graduate, but he wasn’t exactly loving the idea of modelling. He felt so raw and exposed, with the camera pointed at him like that.
 
Even finished making adjustments, aiming the camera at him and peering into it.
 
“Just try and look natural.”
 
“How?” Isak asked in disbelief.
 
Even pulled back and grinned. “I just mean, it’s not like school picture day, you know? The point is to try and capture your subject’s personality. We’re going for authenticity, here.”
 
Isak sighed, trying to relax his body and face muscles. ‘Authenticity’ was the right word for it. Even hadn’t let him change clothes for this or anything; he was still wearing the daggy old sweater he’d thrown on after soccer training, which did nothing for his confidence. He heard the clicking of the shutter as his boyfriend snapped a few pictures. What was he supposed to do with his hands? What the hell did he do with his hands, normally?
 
“Hmm,” Even frowned pensively, studying the pictures he’d taken. “Okay, let’s try something else.”
 
“I told you I wasn’t going to be any good at this.”
 
“Yes, you are. We just need to help you relax,” his boyfriend looked around the room. “I think I have an idea. Hold on.”
 
Isak watched in fascination as he picked up a chair, placing it on an angle next to the bedroom mirror. He gestured for Isak to sit down, then adjusted the light somewhat.
 
“Okay,” he said teasingly, positioning the camera again, “this time try thinking about how much you love me. Maybe that will help.”
 
Isak laughed, and Even snapped a few more photos in quick succession.
 
“You better get a six for this,” he said, grinning.
 
“I hope so. The best photos from the class are going to get displayed around the school for the rest of the year.”
 
“Awesome. That’s great to know,” Isak’s voice hitched slightly.
 
“Could you look at your reflection for a second?”
 
Isak did as he was told, albeit reluctantly. He tried to keep a straight face, as he stared at himself in the mirror, but it was almost impossible. The whole thing just felt so ridiculous. Even didn’t seem to mind, though, capturing his expression as it changed.
 
“This is weird,” he chuckled nervously. “I should have gotten drunk. You probably would get better photos that way.”
 
“No,” Even said seriously, face still hidden behind the camera, “you can’t get drunk. You’d just try and attempt a striptease again and it would throw everything off.”
 
“What are you talking about?” Isak’s eyes widened.
 
Even took another photo then pulled back, smirking. “You really don’t remember that at all?”
 
Isak shook his head furiously. “That never happened. Please tell me that never happened.”
 
His boyfriend wriggled his eyebrows at him.
 
“Even!”
 
“What?”
 
“You told me I didn’t do anything embarrassing,” he complained.
 
“It wasn’t embarrassing,” Even argued. “I thought it was sexy…until you had trouble getting your shirt off, but even that was kind of sweet.”
 
“Oh my god,” Isak was dying.
 
“It’s okay,” Even tried to assure him, “it was only in front of me.”
 
That actually made it worse, somehow, in Isak’s head. Did he mention that he was never drinking again?
 
Even reviewed the photos. “These are good. I’ve got one more thing I want to try, though. Do you mind sitting on the bed?”
 
Isak moved so that he was sitting on the edge, back facing the window. He hadn't made the bed up, or changed the sheets in a while. He pictured the whole school getting a chance to look at his messy bedroom and cringed.
 
“Up against the wall,” Even added in a low voice. Something about the way he said it was kind of turning Isak on. For a moment he forgot to be so self-conscious.
 
He shuffled up the bed until he felt his back touch the cold surface behind him. The pillows were next to him, as well as a tangled up mound of blankets.
 
“Should I move these?”
 
Even shook his head. He’d taken off the lens and was attaching a different one. It was oddly fascinating, watching him play around with the camera like that, even though Isak had no idea what he was doing.
 
“Just leave everything as it is,” his boyfriend said. He peered into the camera while he adjusted the new lens. “Maybe try bending your knee and rest your arm on it. Yeah, like that. Act like you’re just chilling.”
 
“Just chilling? Okay,” he grinned as he was being photographed.
 
“What’s so funny?” Even smiled, as Isak’s grin slowly split into giggles.
 
“Well, nobody ‘just chills’ in their bedroom like this,” he pointed out.
 
“Okay,” Even conceded, “how do you normally hang out here when you’re alone?”
 
“I don’t know,” Isak felt shy, “lying around in my underwear playing video games, I guess?”
 
Even stared at him.
 
“That was not meant to be a suggestion.”
 
Even snapped a couple more pictures, kneeling at the edge of the bed. Without warning, he put the camera aside and leaned forward, studying Isak carefully.
 
“What now?” Isak asked softly. The way Even was looking at him made him feel like he was undressing him with his eyes.
 
His boyfriend slowly crawled up the bed. Isak subconsciously made room for him, dropping his knee down so the other boy could hover just above him.
 
“Now, I want to kiss you.”
 
Isak beamed, reaching out a hand to coax him forward.
 
***

Wednesday, 8 February, 2017

15:26

“How’s your mum doing?” Jonas asked, after exchanging some small talk with Isak beside their lockers at the end of the day. He said it conversationally, but the concern was still evident in his tone.
 
Isak juggled the textbooks under his arm. “She’s okay. I think. It’s kind of hard to know.”
 
Jonas lowered his eyes and nodded, the way he often did when he wasn’t sure what to say.
 
“She’s, uh, she’s been kind of out of it, lately,” Isak went on to explain. “It’s because of the drugs the hospital is giving her. But they said that’s normal, so…I don’t know. Maybe it’ll get better, over time.”
 
“Yeah,” his best friend replied optimistically. “I mean…these things always get better over time, don’t they?”
 
He was so out of his depth, talking about this sort of thing, but he was obviously giving it his all. In a way, that made it even more touching.
 
“I hope so,” Isak smiled.
 
He typed in the code for his locker, which swung open with ease. An unfamiliar object was sitting on top of the messy pile of textbooks and hastily scribbled notes.
 
“Another Even drawing?” said Jonas, as he watched Isak pull it out. He was more than used to the surprise ‘Even drawings’, by now.
 
Isak studied the glossy piece of paper in his hands. A post-it note was stuck over it, complete with a handwritten message.

This is my favourite from yesterday. Maybe you can give it to your mum? Love you.

“Not exactly,” he said, feeling himself start to blush.
 
Jonas read the note over his shoulder, beaming triumphantly. “‘Love you’! I told you so, didn’t I?”
 
Isak laughed. He peeled back the note, sticking it in his pocket, revealing the photograph underneath. It was one of the shots they’d taken of him sitting in front of the mirror. A medium close-up of him studying his reflection, looking as though he was just about to crack up.
 
“That’s actually kind of cool,” Jonas commented.
 
“It’s for Even’s Photography class. He needed someone to pose for an assignment.”
 
“Are you going to give it to your mum?”
 
“I guess so,” Isak finished putting his books away and closed his locker. He turned to face his best friend with a grin. “Hey, did you know my mum studied art, before she became a doctor?”
 
“No,” Jonas grinned back, “but I guess it makes sense. She was always buying those paintings when we were kids. Remember the time she tried to take us to the art gallery one summer?”
 
Isak spluttered. “Fuck, that was so boring. I thought that day would never end.”
 
Lea was always the one who appreciated that sort of thing. Marianne used to take her to galleries all the time, or at least when she was up to it. Isak remembered watching the two of them getting ready to go out together, back in elementary school, talking and giggling like they were part of some special club.
 
He walked alongside Jonas out of the school, gradually making their way down towards the bikes.
 
“I’ve been finding out all sorts of stuff about my mum, lately,” he told him on the way. “She lived overseas for a while - in Italy and France, I think - before she met my dad. She once saw this kid get hit by a truck, then sat with him and held his hand until he died. Then she decided to study medicine, so she could help save lives. She did all this charity work through the church. She started up a program to mentor foster kids, and keep them off the streets.”
 
His best friend listened to him intently.
 
“It’s weird,” Isak laughed, “I never thought I’d say this, but…I don’t know. I actually think my mum might be sort of cool.”
 
“Of course she’s cool,” said Jonas. “I always thought she was, when we were growing up.”
 
“Really?” Isak said incredulously. He never would have pictured that.
 
“Yeah, man. I mean, my mum just had some boring office job. But yours was a surgeon. She cut people open for a living. When we were kids, that was like the coolest thing in the world to me,” Jonas shook his head, laughing, before suddenly changing to a more serious tone. “I’m glad she’s doing a bit better. Tell her I say hi when you see her, will you?”
 
“Yeah,” Isak said warmly, “I will.”
 
They parted ways at the gate, with Isak taking the now familiar route to his mother’s hospital. The receptionist manning the front desk nodded to him while still on the phone, silently passing him the visitor’s sign-in sheet and the large green sticker he was required to wear. In the weeks he’d been coming here, more and more of the patients’ faces were starting to become recognisable. As he walked down the corridors, he found himself wondering what all of their different stories were.
 
Marianne was sitting in her chair by the window, like she always was at this time of the afternoon. The nurses kept her on a set schedule of meals, medication, therapies and activities, but allowed the times they knew Isak would visit her to be kept free. He smiled at her, sitting on the edge of her bed.
 
“Why do you keep coming here, Issy?”
 
Her voice sounded thick and heavy, like it was being weighed down by something inside of her. It reminded him of the way Even had sounded once, lying in his bed with tears in his eyes. I can’t stand the thought of you lying there looking over me.
 
“I told you I’d come to see you,” he told her, as calmly as he could. “I kept my word.”
 
Marianne wouldn’t look at him. She kept her head turned towards the window, slumped in the seat underneath a blanket.
 
“I don’t want you to see me like this,” she said quietly, after a brief silence. “Nobody should have to see their mother this way.”
 
Isak leaned over and touched her cheek, tilting her head around and forcing her to meet his gaze.
 
“Yes, they should,” he smiled at her. “This is a part of who you are. For better or for worse. I already told you, I’m not going to run from that, anymore.”
 
He kept his hand on her face, as her eyes slowly began to fill with tears.
 
“I’ve been such a terrible mother.”
 
“It’s not your fault,” he whispered. He leaned over the bed to grab the box of issues, using one to dab at her cheek. “And I’ve been a terrible son, so, I guess in a way we’re both even.”
 
He laughed, to try and let her know that it was a joke, but it didn’t reach her. He sat beside her, wiping the tears away, until they finally stopped.
 
“Hey,” he grinned, “do you want to see something that’s kind of embarrassing?”
 
She stared at him blankly as he reached for his bag, retrieving the photograph, and resting it on her lap. Her lip trembled slightly as she looked at it, and for a moment, he was afraid she would start crying again.
 
“Even took it,” he explained to her. “It was for a school assignment.”
 
Marianne traced her fingers around the outline of his face in the image.
 
“You mean Even Kosegruppa,” she said, with the faintest smile.
 
“Yeah,” Isak touched the back of his head, “my boyfriend. He said I should give this to you. He thought you might like it.”
 
“It’s beautiful,” she lifted her head slowly. “He has a good eye.”
 
Isak beamed. “I’ll tell him you said that.”
 
Her eyes returned to the picture, and Isak allowed himself to believe - to hope - that he had seen something shift within her.
 
“Jonas said to say hello, by the way.”
 
It took a minute for her to respond.
 
“Little Jonas,” her lips turned upwards slightly again. “That boy was always getting you into trouble.”
 
“I think we were always getting each other into trouble,” Isak laughed.
 
“No. Not my Issy. You were always a good boy.”
 
“Sure. If you want to keep believing that, it’s fine with me.”
 
Marianne leaned back in her chair, suddenly overcome with emotion.
 
“How is my little girl?”
 
The words were choked out of her, making Isak’s chest feel tight.
 
“Lea’s good,” he said. “She lives with me, at my Kollektiv.”
 
“Not with Terje?” Marianne seemed surprised.
 
“Uh, no. Not for now.”
 
Over the years, Isak had never heard his mother acknowledge anything she had done while ‘stressed’. He had witnessed her go into deep stages of denial, surrounding certain things she had done and said, to the point where he was sure she had convinced herself they never happened. This was the closest he’d seen her come to acknowledging anything; the remorse he sensed when she mentioned her daughter was stronger than anything else.
 
“She asks about you every day,” he said slowly. “She misses you. A lot.”
 
Marianne’s eyes had filled with tears again.
 
“Oh, Isak,” she breathed, “how can I ever face her?”
 
Isak reached for her hand. “She understands, more than anyone, that it wasn’t your fault. She just wants you to be better again. We both do.”
 
She let go of a sob, before the tears brimmed over, streaking across her cheeks. Isak made sure to hold her hand a while longer, then wiped them away with a fresh tissue.
 
“When you’re ready to see her, let me know. But only when you’re ready.”
 
Marianne sniffed, her eyes clouded over with doubt. “Do you think she wants to see me?”
 
Isak smiled sadly. “I think she wants that more than anything else.”
 
He stayed with her and talked for some time about school. About his friend Sana from Biology class - the smartest person he’d ever met, he explained, though of course he’d never admit that to her - who wanted to be a surgeon someday. About how his soccer team had been doing really well so far, this year, and he was going to try out for captain when third year began. About the fact he was hoping to hell Even didn’t get a six for that Photography assignment, so pictures of him wouldn’t end up getting displayed all over the school campus. He wasn’t sure if it helped, or how much of it she was able to take in, but it felt good to share with his mother, all the same. To let her into some of the parts of his life, that he’d fought to keep separate for so long.
 
“I’m not going to be able to come by on Saturday, this week,” he said awkwardly, when their time was almost up. He debated with himself a minute, before he added, “I’m going to Tromsø. For Camilla’s wedding.”
 
Marianne’s face clouded over, and Isak immediately regretted telling her.
 
“I don’t really want to go,” he said hastily. “Dad bought the plane tickets and booked the hotel…I didn’t really have a choice.”
 
His mother blinked at him.
 
“You absolutely should go,” she said, bewildered. For a moment, she sounded like a normal mum, disappointed in her kid for not wanting to go to grandma’s birthday party, or something.
 
“But-”
 
“You need to do it for your father. And for yourself,” she lowered her voice, regarding him seriously. “You only get one family, Issy. Don’t ever take that for granted.”
 
Isak stood up from the bed, bending over so he could wrap his arms around her. She’d gained a bit of weight back since being in hospital, but she still felt so frail.
 
“I’ll take some photos for you,” he said. “Well, I’ll get Even to, anyway, since he’s good at it. I’ll show them to you next week.”
 
He kissed the top of her head. Even with her blessing, he still couldn’t wash away the guilt of leaving her behind.
 
“I’ll pray for you. And Terje. And Lea,” she told him just before he left. “And Even. I’ll pray for him too.”
 
When he was younger, Isak used to hate when she would say that. It made him feel like he’d done something wrong, that warranted his soul worth praying for.
 
What he didn’t realise - what he was finally figuring out, now - was that for Marianne, ‘I’ll pray for you’ was the highest form of love.
 
***

Thursday, 9 February, 2017

15:21

Eva was in the midst of putting a few things away in her locker when Isak saw her. He watched his old friend silently for a while, before she started off in the direction of the exit by herself, headphones jammed into her ears. He mulled things over in his head, before exhaling a deep breath. He hurried to catch up, eventually falling into step beside her.
 
“Hey!” she beamed, pulling the headphones back out. She seemed genuinely pleased to see him there, though perhaps also a little surprised.
 
“Hey,” he smiled back at her. “This is a bit random, but…are you doing anything, now?”
 
“No, not really. Just on my way home. What about you?”
 
“Same,” he coughed nervously. “Do you want to hang out for a bit?”
 
Eva was taken aback, shaking her head as though she couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
 
“Really? As in, just you and me?”
 
“Yeah, exactly,” he shrugged, in a way that he hoped came across as nonchalant, “I mean, if it’s not weird or anything.”
 
“No! I mean, yeah, sure,” she laughed. “Uh, what do you want to do?”
 
“I don’t know,” Isak said. He honestly hadn’t thought that far ahead, yet. “Do you want coffee, or something?”
 
“Yeah!” her eyes brightened. “I could have a coffee. Maybe we can just go to KB?”
 
Isak grinned. “Cool.”
 
They walked together off the school grounds, in the direction of the nearest coffee shop. It felt a little uncomfortable, being alone like this. The last few times they had hung out, it had been in a group of friends or at a party, and usually at least one of them had been drunk or high. They’d been saying that they needed to hang out for months, but Isak suspected Eva never really thought he’d follow through.
 
“What’s Even up to this afternoon?” she asked conversationally.
 
“He’s got some bus meeting thing,” Isak explained, “with Anders and everyone.”
 
Eva nodded, smiling to herself. “I’m glad he’s doing that. I remember, back at the cabin, he was saying he wasn’t sure whether he should or not.”
 
“Really?” Isak asked incredulously. Even hadn’t mentioned anything about that to him.
 
“Yeah,” Eva shrugged. “I think it had something to do with his old school, but I don’t really know. To be honest, I was pretty high at the time.”
 
Isak laughed. “I still can’t believe you did that.”
 
“Neither can I, really.”
 
They stopped at the crossing, just in front of KB, and waited for the lights to change.
 
“Saturday night was really fun,” he smirked at her. “I think those shots we did were a bad idea, though.”
 
“Fucking hell, Isak, I was so drunk,” Eva groaned. “Noora says I tried to make out with Hanna in the back of the Uber. Then I drunk-dialled Penetrator Chris eight times when I got back home. So embarrassing.”
 
“Well, if it makes you feel any better, Even says I tried to give him a striptease,” Isak lowered his eyes, blushing.
 
Eva gaped at him excitedly. “No!”
 
He laughed nervously. “Don’t tell anyone else that, though.”
 
“My lips are sealed,” she held a finger up to them, grinning, “but thanks for the hilarious mental image.”
 
The KB was already crowded when they arrived, with groups of Nissen students studying together at tables, filling the room with chatter. He spotted Emma amongst them with some friends, and she gave him a little wave. He smiled at waved back.
 
“So I don’t know if the news has reached you, yet, but Chris and Kasper broke up,” Eva told him, once they’d ordered and found a table. “It was actually pretty dramatic. Did you ever meet Kasper?”
 
“Uh, no, I don’t think so,” he answered distractedly.
 
She launched into a long explanation of the circumstances around the breakup, and Isak did his best to pay attention. He did feel bad for Chris, but he hadn’t exactly brought Eva here so they could discuss her love life. Their drinks eventually arrived at the table, interrupting their conversation.
 
“How’s your mum?” Isak asked.
 
Eva barely glanced up, in the midst of adding sugar to her coffee. “She’s okay. I mean, she’s been spending a lot of extra time in Geneva lately, working on some huge case. I don’t get to see her much.”
 
“That must be hard,” he said sympathetically.
 
“I’m sort of used to it,” Eva frowned at him, her eyes suddenly overcast with the deepest concern. “I’m really sorry, Isak. About what’s happening with your mum.”
 
Isak stared at the table. “It’s okay.”
 
“I didn’t want to pry, by asking you about it. And obviously you have Even to talk to, now. But…well, I hope you know that I’m around,” she said sincerely, “if you ever do need to vent. Or if you even just want someone to hang out with.”
 
Isak remembered what Even had told him in the car, after he’d met Marianne for the first time. About how his friends would all be there for him in an instant, if he’d only just ask. He’d always felt so alone when it came to his family problems in the past. But it wasn’t like that, anymore. Now, it felt like he had a huge army of people rallying behind him. The more he allowed them to help, the easier everything became.
 
“Eva,” he said slowly, “I’m pretty sure my parents are going to get divorced.”
 
His friend didn’t appear the least bit surprised by this revelation. She nodded silently, waiting for him to continue.
 
“I guess I always knew that it was coming,” he shrugged. “I mean, lots of people have divorced parents, don’t they? It’s nothing to cry about, these days.”
 
Eva leaned forward in her seat.
 
“You’re allowed to be sad about it, Isak,” she said softly. “I still get sad about my parents, from time to time. Even though it was years ago.”
 
“How do you deal with it?” he asked her.
 
She stared out the window thoughtfully. “I guess…when I think about unhappy they were as a couple - how miserable being together truly made them both - it makes me realise that what happened to my family was really for the best. I’d rather have two happy parents who are apart, than two depressed parents who force themselves to be together for my sake.”
 
“Even if…” he hesitated a moment, “even if you don’t really get to see your dad, anymore?”
 
Eva took a sip of her coffee while she considered.
 
“Yeah,” she finally conceded. “He has a new life now - one that doesn’t really involve me - and that’s okay. I’ve made peace with it. I don’t think it means that he doesn’t give a shit about me, or anything. I’m sure if he ever thought I was in trouble, he’d be on the next plane here from Bergen. But…he’s met someone who makes him happy, and he wants to give it his best shot. He deserves the chance to do that. Everybody does.”
 
“You’re pretty understanding,” Isak told her with a smile.
 
“I wasn’t always,” Eva laughed. “It gets easier with time. The older you get, the better you understand that your parents are only human. They make mistakes. They try their best to be good people. Expecting anything else from them would be naive.”
 
They sat together and sipped their coffees for a while, their silence filled by the low hum of the chatter surrounding them.
 
“I have to go to this family function on the weekend,” Isak eventually explained. “It’ll be the first time I’ve gone to one since my parents separated. My mum really wants me to go - she thinks it’s great actually - but I don’t know…I feel sort of weird about it, you know? Especially knowing that she’ll be sitting here all weekend by herself, in the hospital.”
 
Eva nodded sympathetically. “Kind of like by going, you’d be betraying her?”
 
“Yeah,” Isak licked his lips, “in a way.”
 
“I know that feeling,” his friend admitted. “I used to get like that whenever my dad called. My mum got so upset when she found out he’d remarried; I was worried that just by talking to him, I was hurting her.”
 
“But you don’t feel that way anymore?”
 
“No, not really,” Eva replied. “I think my mum understands that it’s good for me, having contact with my dad. It sounds like yours feels the same way. And, your mum is in the best place she possibly can be right now. You know that, right?”
 
“I know that,” Isak said. “I think, now she’s getting better, she’s started to accept that things are over between her and my dad. She’s always been in such denial about it…so hearing that acceptance from her, kind of made everything feel real. I can’t be in denial about it anymore, either.”
 
“Do you think you were in denial?”
 
Isak shrugged. “I suppose I just hoped they’d work it out.”
 
“They’ll work it out,” Eva said sadly. “It just might not look the way you want it to.”
 
Isak reflected on how angry he’d been, when he saw his father with another woman for the first time. How much he used to wish his crazy mum would just be normal, so his father would never have had to leave. After listening to Eva - how casually she’d embraced both her parents, despite their flaws - Isak was no longer sure he could blame his for how things had turned out.
 
“Do you ever worry that you’ll suck at relationships?” he asked her. “That you’re doomed to make the same mistakes your parents did?”
 
“Um, yeah, all the time,” she laughed. “But I don’t think you need to worry about that. From what I can tell, you and Even are pretty much killing the whole relationship thing.”
 
“I’m trying,” Isak laughed back. “For the record, I don’t think you need to worry about that, either. Except when it comes to jealous best friends intervening.”
 
“Oh, are we at the stage where we can joke about that, now?” his friend smirked. “Does that mean I can tease you about having a crush on Jonas?”
 
“Eva!” Isak blushed furiously.
 
“It’s okay,” she giggled. “Now that I’m removed from the situation a bit, I actually think it’s kind of sweet that you used to like him.”
 
“Whatever,” he rolled his eyes, “it’s ancient history, now.”
 
“We have a similar taste in boys, you know. We both go for the arty, hipster type.”
 
Isak sighed. He kind of had to agree with her, there.
 
“It’s the guitar thing,” he mumbled.
 
Eva blinked at him. “What was that?”
 
“The guitar thing,” he said it a little louder, as his cheeks grew even redder. “Jonas and Even both play guitar. I mean, that’s not the only reason, obviously, but…”
 
“No, I know what you mean,” Eva said seriously. “Boys who play guitar are so sexy.”
 
“Why do you think that is?” he asked. He genuinely wanted to know.
 
She giggled. “I’m not sure. Maybe because it makes you think they really know how to use their hands?”
 
“Ugh,” Isak buried his head in his hands, “I regret bringing this up, now.”
 
They finished their coffees and made their way back outside, walking together until they were forced to turn off in separate directions.
 
“This was nice,” Eva said as she hugged him. “We should do it again, sometime.”
 
“We should,” Isak replied sincerely. He’d almost forgotten what it was like, spending time with her like this.
 
“I mean it,” she pulled back from him with a sly grin. “No more of this ‘we should hang out more’ and never actually doing it crap.”
 
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”
 
She hugged him again, holding on a little longer this time, before turning off down the street.
 
***

Friday, 10 February, 2017

21:23

Terje was waiting promptly for them at the tiny airport, studying the flight arrivals board and scowling impatiently. Their plane had been delayed by about twenty minutes, which Isak knew may as well have been twenty hours, as far as his father was concerned.
 
“Did they give a reason why the flight was running so late?” he demanded to know, checking his watch. He was more agitated than usual; a common symptom of being forced to spend time with the extended Valtersen clan.
 
“Hello, Terje,” Even gave the older man his biggest smile. It was enough to snap him out of his mood, and remember social pleasantries existed.
 
“Hello, Even,” Terje coughed, “I’m glad you could make it.”
 
“Well, thank you for inviting me. My parents want to know if they could reimburse you for ticket.”
 
“No, not at all,” Terje waved him away. It wasn’t as though he couldn’t afford it, Isak thought. “The rental car is parked outside. We should hurry.”
 
“Is everyone waiting for us at the hotel?” Lea asked. She’d taken Terje’s advice to rug up to heart, her face barely visible between her beanie and scarf.
 
“No, they’ve all gone to bed,” their father replied. “You know your aunts and uncles, they like to turn in early. We’ll have breakfast with them tomorrow.”
 
“Why do we need to hurry, then?” Isak heard Lea mutter to Even, as Terje made for the exit. His boyfriend laughed under his breath.
 
The news that they wouldn’t be confronted with his extended family until the following morning was a welcome relief, as far as Isak was concerned. He was grateful his father had decided to include Even, but he wasn’t sure how welcoming the rest of his relatives were going to be. He imagined Terje had already told them he was bringing his boyfriend along, which at least saved him from having to come out to them himself. At best, he was hoping they’d all be as polite, yet aloof, as possible. Ignoring the elephant in the room, so to speak, the way they’d always done with Marianne’s illness.
 
The night air was bitingly cold, cutting through the layers of clothing Isak had pulled on when they left the plane. They hurried across the car park towards Terje’s rental (much nicer and probably more expensive than necessary), tossing the luggage into the back before climbing inside. Isak could see the cloud of his breath in the air.
 
“How long does the drive take?” Lea asked from the back seat, as Terje turned on the heater.
 
“The GPS says twenty-six minutes.”
 
Twenty-six minutes of small talk with his father was more than Isak could take, right now. He, Even and Lea had all put in a full day of school before getting on the plane, and it had left him exhausted.
 
“I’ve never been this far north before,” Even remarked, sitting beside Lea in the back. “Does Camilla’s finance come from this part of Norway?”
 
Isak was honestly so grateful to Even for bearing the brunt of keeping conversation afloat. For giving up his entire weekend to come on this stupid family trip. For everything he did, really. He needed to do something to make it up to him.
 
“No, he’s from Oslo,” Terje explained as he drove. “They wanted to do a destination wedding.”
 
Or more like Camilla wanted to do a destination wedding, Isak through begrudgingly. His older cousin never did anything by halves. He could remember her sobbing hysterically on her sixteenth birthday, though nobody had ever told him what the reason was for it.
 
“We’re hoping for northern lights tomorrow,” Terje continued. “My sister - Isak and Lea’s aunt - said they could see them last night.”
 
Weather had always been a preferred topic of choice for the Valtersens, in addition to current affairs and sport. Sometimes their conversations at family events sounded like the rundown from an evening news bulletin.
 
“That’s cool,” said Even. “I haven’t seen northern lights before, either.”
 
“What kind of Norwegian are you?” Lea laughed disparagingly.
 
“I haven’t really travelled much,” Even admitted. “My dad’s side of the family are from Trondheim. That’s about as far as I’ve gone.”
 
Terje smiled a little as he kept his eyes on the road. “Well, it’s good you’re getting a chance to see more of your own country.”
 
They managed to fill the rest of the drive with discussions about the wedding venue, the hotel, and things to do in Tromsø. Terje mentioned the local history museum, and Even did an astounding job of feigning interest. Outside, Isak could make out the faintest outline of trees along the highway, a black expanse on either side that unnerved him. He was glad when he could make out the lights of the city approaching.
 
“I checked in earlier, so I can give you the room keys when we get to the hotel,” Terje explained, turning into another street. He glanced across at Isak. “I couldn’t get a room for you and Even on the same floor as the rest of the family. You’re about five floors up. I hope that’s okay.”
 
“Oh!” Isak’s eyes widened. He twisted behind so he could see into the back seat, where Even was staring back at him intensely. “Yeah, that’s fine.”
 
“Totally fine,” his boyfriend said in agreement.
 
The car entered an underground parking lot, and Terje backed it into a vacant spot. Isak tried not to look too excited as they emptied the trunk. For the first time in a long time, he and Even would be completely alone for a night. No housemates. No sister. No parents. No interruptions.
 
Terje distributed the room keys once they were inside the elevator. “You know, if you go up to the bar on the top floor, there’s quite a good view of the city. We could go and have a look now, if you want.”
 
“Actually, we’re pretty tired,” Isak turned to his boyfriend for confirmation, and he nodded. “It’s been a long day, you know.”
 
“Oh. Okay,” Terje cleared his throat, “maybe tomorrow, then.”
 
The elevator came to a stop at the fifth floor. Even held the door open as Terje helped Lea out with her bags.
 
“Breakfast is at nine,” Terje told them. “We’ll see you in the morning.”
 
“Okay. Goodnight,” Isak said quickly. He hoped he didn’t sound too eager.
 
Thankfully, his sister and father seemed none the wiser. Even reached back his hand, allowing the door to close.
 
Isak laughed, leaning against the back wall. “Five floors up. That’s pretty cool.”
 
Even grinned. “I wonder if the room service here is as good as at the Radisson.”
 
Isak was never sure what the rules were, when it came to bringing up the last time they’d been at a hotel. So long as Even was grinning at him like that, though, he guessed it was okay.
 
“To be honest, I’m not really thinking about the room service,” he confessed.
 
“What are you thinking about, then?” his boyfriend rose both eyebrows at him coyly.
 
“The bed,” Isak gave him a sly smirk, “I bet it’s fucking huge.”
 
The elevator stopped before Even had a chance to reply. He laughed as he pulled their shared suitcase out into the corridor, Isak following closely behind him. He somehow managed to get them lost on the way to their room, which of course he would never admit to, but was relieved when he slid the key into the door and it sprung open. He stood back to allow Even in first, flicking on the light.
 
“Oh shit,” he heard his boyfriend say from around the corner.
 
“What?” Isak frowned, letting the door close behind him.
 
He followed him further in. The hotel room was reasonably large, well decorated and well furnished, and extremely modern looking. However, instead of the king-sized bed Isak had been anticipating, he was confronted with two identically made double-sized beds, separated by a tiny end table.
 
“Do you think it was intentional?” Even asked, struggling to hold it together. At least one of them could see the humour in this.
 
“Probably,” Isak grumbled. “Fucking Catholic family.”
 
Even didn’t seem terribly bothered by it. He took off his jacket, tossing it into a corner of the room.
 
“Which one do you want?”
 
He wanted separate beds? Isak tried not to act hurt.
 
“Uh, whichever one you don’t want, I guess.”
 
“What? No,” Even’s grin split into laughter, “I meant, which one do you want to do it on first?”
 
++++
 
Isak felt his lips curl upwards. He kept his eyes on his boyfriend as he removed the coat he was wearing, throwing it determinedly onto the floor, then wasted no time in pulling Even onto him. He could feel the other boy still smiling as he covered his mouth with his own. The smiles slowly dissolved, as Isak gripped the back of his head and urged him deeper. He felt the tip of a tongue teasing for a taste, instinctively parting his lips to allow him to explore.
 
It was like a damn had burst. Weeks of wanting, yearning, and now every touch was like fire. Every kiss a promise of something more. Isak pushed them backwards until they reached the nearest bed. They fell onto it, lips crushing together, hands aching to caress warm skin.
 
Even’s fingers slid underneath Isak’s shirt, eagerly pushing it upwards, and Isak was more than willing to help. The fabric ruffled his hair as it passed over his head, before Even threw it somewhere across the room. Teasing fingers traced the muscles on his chest and stomach, making Isak shiver when they grazed over his nipples. He wanted more contact. More fire. More of Even. He broke their kiss long enough to grab at the hoodie his boyfriend was wearing, tugging at it urgently until he finally dragged it up over his head.
 
“Fuck, how many layers are you wearing?” he marvelled breathlessly, when he saw the long-sleeved shirt Even still had on underneath.
 
“It’s cold,” the other boy beamed at him. He pulled the shirt up over his head as well, deliberately tossing it into a different area. A frenzy of discarded clothing now littered the floors and furniture.
 
Isak shuffled across the bed, until he felt his back collide against the hard headboard. Instinctively, his hand moved towards his jeans, popping the button open and sliding down the zipper. He dipped inside to slowly rub his straining dick, rolling up and down through the fabric of his underwear. Even was staring at him, blue eyes wide and glassy, lips parted in unabashed awe.
 
“Do you like this?” Isak whispered as he touched himself, blush creeping into his cheeks. He was already certain of the answer. It came as a shaky nod; his boyfriend crawling over to him, pressing him down into the sheets.
 
Even’s eyes remained locked onto his, pouring into him until the last second, when he claimed his mouth, devouring every inch. Their tongues touched, and Isak heard himself moan, deep in the back of his throat. His arms enfolded around Even’s back, fingers gripping tight, insistent in his desire.
 
His boyfriend kissed a pathway along his face, jaw and neck. Hot breath grazed over his ear, lips and teeth gently sucking on the lobe.
 
“Isak, I love you so much,” Even’s deep voice rumbled, making him tremble. “I want to kiss you everywhere. Feel you everywhere. Touch you everywhere.”
 
He began kissing his way down his chest, every brush of his lips laden with so much emotion as well as hunger. Isak sighed when he felt the tip of a tongue circle a nipple. He was barely aware of the fingernails that were raking over his boyfriend’s shoulders. Even’s hot mouth finally captured one of the hardened nubs, and Isak arched his back, as it was sucked and pulled.
 
“God,” Isak heard himself groan, the word emitted with both the veneration and desperation of a prayer. Even never stopped the constant touching, rubbing, stroking of his body. It was beautiful. He was beautiful. He was everything Isak had ever wanted.
 
Even moved ever lower, lovingly kissing over his hips and cock. Isak rose his hips instinctively, pressing into him, demanding more. Even’s hands grabbed onto his unzipped jeans and underwear.
 
“Lift up for me, baby,” Even smiled at him tenderly. Isak didn’t resist, allowing him to slide the clothing all the way down.
 
Isak felt the weight on the mattress shift as Even got up. He closed his eyes, breathing shallow with anticipation, as he listened to the sound of the suitcase unzipping and the rummaging inside. It was astounding, how much he trusted the other boy. He could relinquish control to him completely, letting him pleasure him in ways he couldn’t imagine with anyone else. The satin caress of fingers stroking his face and hair announced Even’s return before he sank onto the bed. Their warm bodies pressed together; Isak could feel his boyfriend’s naked hardness touching his bare skin, and it was making him desperate. Unable to resist, he turned his head and locked their lips together, taking hold of Even’s wrist and guiding it down towards his groin.
 
Even wrapped one hand around the base of Isak’s dick and squeezed. Isak heard a whimper escape his mouth, a wordless plea for more. His boyfriend adjusted his position so that he was between Isak’s legs. He slipped an oiled finger inside him, gradually delving deeper to massage his prostate. Isak opened his eyes and gasped at the sensation. Saw Even gazing down at him, mouth open in a silent sigh of pleasure.
 
It was almost too much when his boyfriend bent down, taking the head of his dick into his mouth. He moaned - perhaps too loudly - as Even’s tongue ran along the underside to the tip of the swollen organ, cheeks hollowing as he sucked. A second finger eased inside him, increasing the pressure, stretching and rubbing at the same time.
 
Even’s head dipped lower, and Isak watched as his cock disappeared into his boyfriend’s mouth, taking his entire length over and over again. He could feel his whole body tightening, convulsing, as he was brought dangerously close to the edge.
 
“S-Stop,” he managed to choke out, all strained and gravelly, like the deep ache building within.
 
The other boy lifted off instantly, Isak’s wet dick slipping from his mouth, before fixing him with a look of deep concern. He gently pulled the fingers back out.
 
“Did I hurt you?” he asked, sounding pained at the thought.
 
Isak whimpered as cool air surrounded the places where Even’s hands and mouth had been. He shook his head quickly, turning red from embarrassment.
 
“It was too good. I was going to…you know…”
 
Tension fell from Even’s shoulders, and he smiled in relief. “That’s okay. I don’t mind.”
 
Isak shook his head again. “Not yet,” his boyfriend lifted up, and he clung to his shoulders, “I want you…I want you to fuck me first.”
 
He buried his head in Even’s side, too awkward to look at him. He heard Even emit a sound, somewhere between a groan and a sigh.
 
“I want to fuck you so bad,” he murmured, kissing Isak’s hair, breathing in his scent. “We’ll slow it down a bit, okay?”
 
Isak lifted his head and nodded, overcome with shyness. His boyfriend was studying him seriously, a tenderness in his expression that made him feel like the most important person in the universe. Isak kissed him, slowly this time, but still burning with the same passion and fire. One of Even’s hands gradually drifted back to his nipples, rolling them between his fingers, and Isak felt himself shiver with delight. The other continued its exploration of his body, gliding over stomach muscles with a kind of almost reverence.
 
Even’s mouth journeyed over his jaw, tongue trailing the nape of his neck. He was the sun, and Isak wanted to drown in his warmth and light. He could smell Even all over him, engulfing every last inch, and it was the most beautiful, most perfect thing in the world. His boyfriend collected the tiny bottle he’d discarded on the bed, coating his fingers, before sliding them back inside. Isak stared at his face, enraptured by its beauty. The yearning in his eyes. Those kiss-swollen lips.
 
A third finger was carefully added. Isak drew in a sharp breath, clenched his eyes shut for a second, before opening and exhaling deeply.
 
“Okay?” Even asked tentatively.
 
“Okay,” Isak’s reply was an encouraging, breathless sigh.
 
Even grinned, his confidence returned. The fingers massaged gently inside of him, before they were slowly removed. He heard the tearing of a condom wrapper. Watched with aching want and need as Even slid it down over the length of his hard dick. His hand stroked over it as he oiled it thoroughly, positioning the head so that it nudged his slicked entrance. Isak lifted his legs and wrapped them around the other boy’s waist, pulling him forward, urging him on. He slowly pushed into his heat, burying into him.
 
Isak let his head fall back, releasing a loud noise he didn’t know he was capable of making. His boyfriend filled him completely, making him writhe with both pain and pleasure. He waited, breathing steadily, allowing his muscles to relax, until the pain had all but faded. When he was ready, he grasped at Even with his arms and legs, pushing further onto his cock, willing him to move. Even slowly withdrew halfway before shoving back into him. Hard. Each movement was long, measured and considered. Gradually, the speed of Even’s thrusts increased. Isak had lost the use of words, emitting incoherent sounds in time with every stroke.
 
Even grabbed onto Isak’s thighs, pulling them up, giving him access to go deeper. His hand coiled around Isak’s straining dick, palm rubbing over the head, squeezing and tugging in time with his thrusts.
 
“Isak,” Even groaned out his name, enunciating each syllable. The sound of it on his boyfriend’s lips made Isak groan with him, low and guttural.
 
Even’s thrusts were relentless, the movement rocking them both, as the mattress creaked and heaved underneath. Isak drove back against him, matching the intensity of the growingly frantic motions. He sensed his control slipping away, his muscles convulsing again, until he couldn’t hold it back any longer. His body arched off the bed and he moaned as he shuddered and came. For a moment he was overwhelmed with ecstasy, every sensation alive and tingling with pure bliss. He felt a wetness coating their stomachs and torsos.
 
Even maintained a hold on Isak’s cock, riding out the last of his orgasm. He continued moving inside him, until with one final grunt he thrust forward, releasing into his depths. Isak felt his boyfriend’s whole body shudder and sighed with the satisfaction it brought, knowing he’d been able to make him come so hard. He kept his legs wrapped around him until he could tell that he was completely spent, before slowly uncoiling them, wincing at the little muscle spasm before they dropped to either side.
 
There was a dull ache when Even slid out of him. His boyfriend carefully removed the condom, filled with cum, before tying it at the end and wrapping it in a tissue, placing it on the end table. He dropped the tissue box on the bed and emptied it completely, making Isak laugh. He wiped Isak clean first before dabbing at himself with the featherlight material.
 
++++
 
“We should sleep on the other bed,” Isak suggested, looking at the mound of tissues piled next to them. “This one is kind of gross now.”
 
“One bed for sleeping and one for sex?” Even laughed. “Maybe this isn’t such a bad arrangement after all.”
 
Isak smiled up at him, reaching to push back some dishevelled hair from his clammy forehead. So beautiful. So kind, and funny, and smart, and caring. And of all people, this amazing boy had somehow fallen in love with him. He’d never fully understand how he had ended up this lucky.
 
He tilted his head up, asking for a kiss, and Even willingly obliged. He could feel exhaustion claiming him, and wanted nothing more than for them to fall asleep together, arms and legs entwined.
 
“I love you,” he heard Even whisper with so much sincerity. It drowned him in a river of emotion.
 
“I love you too.”
 
***

Saturday, 11 February, 2017

00:43

Something was wrong. Isak could tell before he had opened his eyes. Before he was fully awake. There was a warm, empty patch next to him where his boyfriend should have been.
 
He bolted upright, heart pounding in his chest, as his vision adjusted to the darkness. He squinted, switching on the lamp. They had fallen asleep naked in the second bed some hours ago, their clothes still strewn messily across the room.
 
Where did he go? He couldn’t have…no, surely not. There would have been signs. Isak tried to convince himself that everything was fine, to ignore the panic that was setting in. It was in his head, making it difficult for him to think. His stomach, which suddenly felt like it was churning around in circles. His throat, now dry and scratchy, making it difficult to swallow.
 
It lasted for all of a second, before he heard the toilet flush in the adjacent room. The sound of the taps turning on. See? Isak argued with himself. It was fine. Fine. He could hear his heartbeat thumping in his ears, now. The blood was pumping through each and every vein.
 
The taps stopped, and the bathroom door creaked open gently. Even hadn’t bothered to get dressed, still naked as the day he was born. He did a double take when he saw Isak sitting up in bed with the light on.
 
“Sorry, did I wake you up?” he asked worriedly.
 
Isak opened his mouth to brush it off, but he couldn’t make himself say anything. He realised his arms and legs were shaking. It was all too familiar. The hotel room. The amazing sex, followed by the heart-stopping moment of shock and fear. In an instant, he’d been transported back to that horrible night. Had it really effected him this much?
 
Even frowned, studying his face. “Isak, are you okay?”
 
He didn’t know what to do. How could he tell him, that for a second he’d assumed the absolute worst? How could be burden the person he loved with that? Fuck, he loved Even so much. Just the thought of anything like that happening again…of him being in danger…
 
“Come here,” he pleaded, his voice shaking a little.
 
It was already too late. He could see the dots connecting in Even’s head, the guilt evident on his face. His boyfriend climbed back in between the warm sheets, and Isak instantly enveloped him in his arms, holding him tight. His skin was nice cold after being out of bed. Freezing toes pressed against him, but Isak could not have given a shit. He clutched at the other boy’s back, rubbing up and down soothingly, sharing his warmth. His free hand tangled in the back of his hair. He never wanted to let go.
 
“It’s okay,” he heard Even whisper, sounding pained, “I just went to the bathroom. It’s all fine, I promise.”
 
Every passing minute they held each other brought relief. Isak could feel his heart rate returning to normal, his breathing slowing down to match Even’s.
 
“I love you so much,” he choked. It felt so good to say it. He clung to him tighter, burying his face in his hair, breathing in the scent.
 
“I love you too,” his boyfriend answered. “I’m sorry I scared you.”
 
“It wasn’t your fault.”
 
“It was, though,” Even said it quietly. Remorsefully.
 
“No,” Isak pulled back slightly, so they could look each other in the eye, “we’re not going to do that. I’m never going to blame you for anything like this. It’s never anybody’s fault, okay?”
 
Even’s eyes brimmed with emotion. He pressed their lips together in a tender kiss.
 
“Maybe you should talk to someone about this,” he suggested. “I know you’re not keen on the idea of therapy, but…”
 
Isak knew he was right. There were things from his past that had left a deeper imprint on him than he had realised. But therapy? That wasn’t for people like him, was it?
 
He immediately stopped that train of thought. What it meant, was that he believed therapy was for people like Even and his mother. That it was somehow beneath him. He didn’t want to be like that, anymore.
 
“I’ll think about it,” he promised. It was a good compromise, for now.
 
Even fell asleep again first. Isak held onto him a long time, until he finally felt calm enough to allow sleep to claim him.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Saturday, 11 February, 2017

07:32

Even blinked himself slowly awake, struggling to get his bearings in an unfamiliar room. The artificial heat filling the air was stifling; they’d turned it up almost full blast to mask the arctic chill. Despite this, a warm body was pressed into his side, an arm sprawled across his chest. Fluffy blonde curls tickled his shoulder. He wanted to touch them, but he was afraid of waking the other boy up. He had a feeling Isak didn’t sleep very well last night…and that a large part of this was his fault.
 
He knew Isak didn’t see it that way, but he couldn’t help blaming himself. That ghostly, panic-stricken look on his boyfriend’s face had been almost too much to bare. It hadn’t occurred to him that something so simple, so mundane, could trigger so much anxiety. Was Isak always going to worry, when he woke to find Even missing in the middle of the night? Was this how his parents felt whenever he was acting moody, or down? Were the people who loved him always destined to suffer somehow?
 
He looked down on the face of the person he had chosen as his, currently so peaceful and content, and made a silent promise to always do his best to make sure he was happy, safe and loved. No matter what the cost. He couldn’t change the reality of his illness, but he could spend the rest of his life trying to fight it. He could encourage Isak to find help and support, whether it be through his friends or through therapy, or both. He could try, even if he couldn’t always give Isak what he deserved.
 
The digital clock on the beside table announced the date and time, in blaring red that stung through the darkness. Tomorrow, it would be Even’s twentieth birthday. It had been on the back of his mind for the past week or so, but if he was being honest, he had been less than excited about the prospect. Who the hell had heard of a twenty-year-old high school student, after all? He knew he had a lot to be proud of - that his life would have turned out very differently if he’d never been forced to repeat his final year - but a large part of him still couldn’t help feeling like a failure.
 
Lise and Petter had asked if he wanted to do anything to celebrate this year, but he’d only shrugged or given noncommittal responses. And he’d avoided telling anyone at Nissen. Aside from Isak, Anders, and possibly Noora, there was no one he imagined would be terribly interested in the fact, anyway. In a way, he’d been relieved when Terje invited him to attend the wedding, because it gave him an excuse to allow his birthday to slip under the radar. He’d mention it to Isak at some point, of course, but this way it didn’t have to be a big deal. He was in a beautiful place, with a beautiful boy, for the occasion, and that was more than enough.
 
“What are you thinking so hard about?” a quiet voice murmured.
 
Green-grey eyes stared up at him, the fear that had shone in them the night before long since erased. Isak gave him a tiny, sleepy smile.
 
“You’re awake,” Even said happily. He finally allowed his fingers to run through soft hair.
 
Isak slowly lifted his head off Even’s shoulder. His arm had gone to sleep underneath; it tingled with pins and needles, but he didn’t care. Isak’s warm lips pressed lazily against his.
 
“You didn’t answer my question,” he said, narrowing his eyes playfully.
 
Even laughed. “I was thinking about how cute you looked, trying on your suit the other day.”
 
Isak chuckled, swatting at him. It was true, though. They’d spent Thursday night trying on their suits for the wedding, which had quickly devolved into mucking around and being stupid together. Even had filmed a good chunk of it with his camera, and for once Isak hadn’t protested. Maybe he was feeling less self-conscious after their photo shoot.
 
“What time did my dad say that breakfast was, again?” Isak asked. As if on cue, his stomach growled loudly, and Even couldn’t hold it together. “Shut up! We barely had dinner last night, and I’m starving!”
 
“What kind of a noise was that?” Even poked him in his abs, as they both giggled. “It sounded like some kind of animal feeding in the wild.”
 
Isak attempted a serious expression. “Okay, just for that, you are officially banned from this bed. You can go sleep over there.”
 
He gestured in the direction of the bed they’d abandoned last night, still covered in used tissues.
 
“The sex bed?”
 
“Yes, the sex bed,” Isak nodded sombrely, fighting against the urge to laugh, “with the gross sex tissues. That’s where you belong.”
 
Even pulled Isak closer to him. He’d been worried after last night, but he was relieved at how easy it always was for them to slip back into being silly and sweet together.
 
“Okay,” he smiled, “I’m cool with you thinking I belong in the sex bed.”
 
“That’s not what I meant…oh fuck it,” Isak gave in, pulling him down for a lingering kiss.
 
“We’ve got an hour,” Even said, glancing at the clock. “We should probably take a shower, before I have to meet your family.”
 
“Probably a good idea,” Isak agreed. He slid out from underneath the covers, offering Even a hand. They showered together most days at the Kollektiv now, out of necessity for saving water; they’d reached a point where it was assumed that they would. Even allowed his boyfriend to lead him into the oversized bathroom, watching as he turned on the shower head. The water cascaded down from the overhead faucet like a waterfall.
 
“Cool,” Isak stared up at it, before turning to look over his shoulder with a lopsided smile. It was another moment that Even would try to commit to memory, so he could hold onto it forever. How happy and excited his boyfriend seemed, holding his hand out to him as steam and heat slowly filled the room.
 
Isak’s hand wrapped around his wrist, gently pulling him under. It was a refreshing change from the Kollektiv, having so much space and water to share. He relished in the sensation of the pressure on his back, as Isak’s strong arms enveloped him.
 
“This is getting long again,” he commented, reaching to touch Isak’s hair. It was plastered to his forehead, the ends just reaching the top of his eyes. Reminding him of the way he looked the night of their first kiss.
 
Isak frowned, pushing some of it away. “I wanted to cut it before we left, but I ran out of time. My uncle is definitely going to give me shit for it.”
 
“I bet he’s just jealous,” he smiled. Isak did have beautiful hair.
 
“No,” Isak shook his head firmly, “he thinks long hair makes me look like a girl.”
 
Something in his tone suggested this wasn’t the sort of family teasing that Even was used to. His aunt and uncle made jokes about his fashion sense and his hair all the time, but it was only ever good natured, and never intended to put him down. And to be fair, he often dished out as much as he received. It was jarring to hear Isak bring this up with such bitterness and hurt, and it was so foreign to the way that he’d been brought up. He couldn’t imagine being ridiculed by your own relatives.
 
“Well, I like it,” Even replied, hoping to brighten his boyfriend’s spirits, “and I can tell him for certain that you are definitely not a girl.”
 
Isak laughed, and Even was awash with relief. He lathered his hands with shampoo, coating every inch of his boyfriend’s head lovingly.
 
“This stuff smells good,” he said as he worked, “like cinnamon.”
 
He watched as the other boy tilted backwards, exposing a long neck as the suds trailed down his chest and back. He couldn’t stop himself from lowering onto it, sucking on the wet skin, eliciting a soft sigh from his love.
 
“If you give me a hickey before this wedding, I swear to God…”
 
Even laughed into his neck, though he had to concede this was a good point. A hickey would not be a good look, at least not right now.
 
“No hickey, I promise,” he assured him. He turned Isak around, picking up a bar of soap. He dragged it over chiselled muscles, washing them clean, replacing soap with a trail of soft, teasing kisses. He sensed Isak lean forward, using his hand to support his weight against the shower wall. His boyfriend didn’t attempt to hide his pleasure when Even’s tongue carved a slick path along his spine, between his shoulder blades to the base of his neck.
 
He was surprised when Isak abruptly pulled himself back up, turning to face him, eyes laden with lust. He’d had a plan for how he was going to gradually weave his hands down Isak’s body, soaping him everywhere, edging him closer to completion. He hadn’t anticipated being stopped.
 
He knew he hadn’t upset the other boy. He could tell - obviously - just how turned on he was. So what could have brought this on?
 
“Isak-” he was about to ask, before he was abruptly cut off.
 
“Up against the wall,” Isak breathed, his tone more commanding than it had ever been.
 
++++
 
Even blinked. Where had he heard that phrase before? It was recently, he was sure, but he couldn’t place it. He stared at Isak, startled by the intensity in his eyes. The deep, pulsating desire they portrayed.
 
“Up against the wall,” he repeated, when Even didn’t reply. “Do it for me, baby. Now.”
 
Even could feel his arousal growing, the longer Isak fixed him with that hungry, determined look. Wordlessly, he obeyed, backing out from underneath the hot water, steam filling his lungs, until his back pressed against the dripping wall. His whole body itched with anticipation as Isak’s eyes raked him over from head to toe, drinking him in, lingering on the parts he admired the most.
 
“Turn around,” he urged, once he’d had his fill.
 
Even had never seen Isak like this before, but he was loving all of it. He trusted Isak so completely, he’d willingly give himself over, letting the other boy have complete control. He did as he was told, pressing palms against the moistened tiles.
 
Isak’s every movement was deliberately drawn out. Even could feel the eyes on him again, before finally, soap-drenched fingers grazed from the corners of his neck to the edges of his shoulders. They skated along his arms, reaching the tips of each finger, then back, before gliding down the sides of his body. He shivered involuntarily when they reached the area just below his ribcage - where he was notoriously ticklish - and giggled at the sensation. He heard Isak chuckle, tenderly kissing his shoulder blades.
 
His boyfriend’s explorations were more certain, more brave than ever. His ass was stroked and squeezed, his thighs caressed. He heard himself groan and sigh whenever sensitive areas were found, encouraging Isak to give them more attention. The hands touching him were soft, yet strong at the same time. Firm, yet loving. Both safe and sensual. He wanted to turn around and crush their lips together, but he also wanted to respect Isak’s wishes. To let him know how much he loved that he was taking charge.
 
The soapy, heated fingers inched back around to his abdomen, trailing over his stomach and hips, but torturously avoiding the area where he craved them the most. They slid up, tickling him again, before they reached his nipples, pinching and teasing. It felt so good, but it made him ache with need. Isak was driving him wild - and he knew it, too.
 
“Isak…” he begged, desperate for more contact.
 
The other boy smirked into his back. “Hmm?”
 
Even laughed, realising he had no idea how to articulate his yearning. “I want you.”
 
His boyfriend licked at his skin, the way he had done to him before. Isak’s hands came off him, and he was about to protest before a low voice ordered him to turn around again. Even reached for him immediately, but his wrists were grabbed and gently pressed back into the wall.
 
“Not yet,” Isak whispered, eyes wide and serious. “Keep your hands here, okay? Trust me.”
 
“I trust you,” Even answered him instantly, without any hesitation. When Isak let go of his wrists, he kept them frozen in place, eager to prove just how much he’d meant those words.
 
Then Isak was touching him again, pulling at his nipples, not so much washing him anymore as he was guiding him closer towards ecstasy. The hands roamed everywhere except for Even’s starved erection, occasionally drawing tantalisingly close, before whisking away. Was he trying to make Even come without even touching him there? There was a chance he might actually succeed. Even couldn’t keep his eyes off his boyfriend, admiring the perfectly sculpted body covered in tiny droplets of water. His dick hard and straining with need. Even would do anything to touch him. Anything for release. He was a quivering, wanting mess, entirely at his boyfriend’s mercy.
 
Even nearly screamed when Isak finally curled a hand around his dick, running up and down the entire length at an agonisingly slow speed. The other hand grasped at the back of his neck, pulling him down into a kiss. It took every ounce of willpower Even possessed to keep his hands on the wall, when his boyfriend sucked on his lower lip before invading his mouth. The hand that was stroking him began increasing its pace, moving in time with the circular motions of his tongue.
 
Even’s knees buckled, as he struggled to keep himself upright. He was so damn close…he almost cried out in frustration when Isak pulled away. His boyfriend dropped to his knees, taking just as much time as he had with everything else. Those perfect lips were just inches away from his leaking cock. Isak wet them with his tongue, staring at it, before they parted, taking him the whole way down at once. It was more than he could take, and a few seconds later, he came into Isak’s throat.
 
“Fucking hell,” he laughed breathlessly, once Isak had finished sucking him dry. He allowed his arms to fall down, taking Isak’s hands and pulling him upright, kissing him a thousand times and tasting himself on his lips. Only then did he realise with astonishment that Isak had managed to make himself orgasm, purely from the thrill of what they’d just done.
 
++++
 
Isak was grinning at him, thoroughly sated, and perhaps a little smug. He backed up, pulling Even with him until they were both under the now lukewarm water.
 
“You look pleased with yourself,” Even chided him.
 
“Oh?” Isak rose an eyebrow, “you don’t think I should be?”
 
Even grinned. “Yeah. You should be.”
 
“Good,” Isak kissed him, before adding in a soft undertone, “because there’s no way Magnus and Vilde can have a more exciting sex life than we do.”
 
“What?” Even spluttered. He’d obviously missed something here.
 
“Don’t worry about it. It’s a long story.”
 
“I hope this wasn’t all because of Magnus and Vilde,” Even shook his head. He knew Isak had a serious competitive streak, but this was taking it to a whole other level.
 
“No. Of course not,” Isak laughed, before staring at his toes. “I just…wanted to. I wanted to make you want me.”
 
“I’m always going to want you.”
 
Even took his boyfriend’s face in his hands, kissing him deeply. When he pulled back, Isak was smiling so wide, he thought his heart would burst. He hastily washed his hair, and made sure they’d both finished rinsing before he turned off the taps.
 
“We’re probably going to be late for this breakfast now,” he said, somewhat regretfully, when he remembered the reason they had this beautiful hotel room in the first place.
 
Isak sighed deeply. He opened the shower door and reached for the towels, handing one to Even before grabbing one for himself.
 
“We can be a little late for once,” he gave Even a reassuring smile. “They’ll survive.”
 
“Do you think they’ll like me?” Even asked, suddenly feeling nervous. He didn’t doubt his ability to get on well enough with most people, but some of the things Isak had mentioned about his family were slightly troubling.
 
His boyfriend wrapped the towel around his waist. He touched one of Even’s cheeks, looking into his eyes with the upmost affection.
 
“You’re impossible not to like,” he said sincerely.
 
Even’s heart swelled as he kissed him again.
 
***

09:16

Even picked out Isak’s relatives the instant they walked into the hotel restaurant. Even without Terje and Lea sitting at the same table, he would have recognised them from photos he’d seen at Marianne’s house. A middle aged man and woman, with Terje’s strong jaw and heavy-set grey eyes, seated next to their partners. There were also two men who looked to be in their mid-to-late twenties, who had to be Isak’s cousins. Medical school had clearly taken its toll on both of them; neither resembled the fresh-faced, beaming teenagers they’d once been in old family pictures.
 
“You’re a bit late,” Terje remarked, standing up as they approached. He was more on edge than usual, confirming Even’s suspicion from yesterday that family functions weren’t an easy affair for him.
 
Isak checked the time on his phone. “Only sixteen minutes.”
 
It had been a mad dash to throw on some clothes and head downstairs after they left the shower. Both of them still had wet hair, and probably appeared flustered after rushing around so much.
 
“You were supposed to be here at nine,” Terje frowned at his son, before sighing heavily. “It’s okay. Get some food for you and Even. I’ll introduce him.”
 
He put a hand on Isak’s back, gently but determinedly coaxing him in the direction of the buffet. Isak glanced over his shoulder worriedly, and Even smiled to let him know it was fine. How bad could it really be, anyway?
 
Every pair of eyes at the table was fixed on him intently. After two manic episodes and a very public panic attack, Even was more than used to being stared at by multiple people at once, but this was something else. Though not outright hostile, he couldn’t sense much friendliness from anybody except Lea, who was regarding him with the upmost sympathy. The two younger men were looking at him like he was a peculiar research case in their medical textbooks, while the older members of the Valtersen family seemed wary, or cold and distant.
 
Terje cleared his throat loudly, like he was calling for attention. It was obvious though that he didn’t need to, since Even had already captivated interest.
 
“This is my brother Jan and his wife, Anita,” Terje gestured to each person in turn, “my sister Therese and her husband Ole. And my nephews, Alex and Martin.”
 
Even tried to memorise every name with every face. “Hello.”
 
The staring continued unabashed. He hoped that Terje might add something along the lines of ‘this is Even, Isak’s boyfriend’ - anything that would justify his reason for being there. But all he did was gesture for Even to sit down. He’d never felt more out of place in his entire life.
 
“So this is the famous Even,” Therese was the one to break the silence first. She was a petite woman, her stringy blonde hair styled into a bob, framing a taut face creased with worry lines.
 
Even gave her his best smile. “I guess I have a reputation already?”
 
“Well, we were all very surprised, when Terje insisted we make room for you on the guest list,” she continued, her smile a a thin line. “We had to change the table arrangements around. Getting another place card made up was a nightmare. But we managed.”
 
Terje coughed, before picking up his coffee.
 
“Camilla wasn’t too happy, you see,” Ole added. His voice was startlingly deep and gruff. Even fought hard not to stare at the liver spots that had formed on his balding scalp.
 
Martin rolled his eyes behind thick glasses. He was the exact opposite of Isak, with jet black hair and a skinny frame. If it wasn’t for the look he gave in that moment, Even might never have seen the family resemblance.
 
“Camilla is never happy, Dad,” he said dryly. “She never was, and she never will be.”
 
Ole scowled. “That’s a terrible thing to say about your sister.”
 
“It’s not like this is news,” Martin shrugged, “she’s aware of the fact.”
 
“Martin is going to be the MC tonight,” Alex said. Even couldn’t tell if this was directed at him or not…Alex seemed reluctant to make eye contact with him.
 
“Oh,” he replied all the same, trying to smile.
 
“They chose me for the job because of my charming personality,” Martin answered, straight faced.
 
Even glanced at Lea, hoping she might give him a hint as to whether or not Martin was joking. No such luck, however. The youngest Valtersen was simply mortified.
 
“You’ll do a wonderful job, Martin,” Anita smiled encouragingly. She was a plump, soft-faced, smiley woman with dyed red hair and lively blue eyes. Quite the contrast to her husband Jan, who looked very much like Terje. “I just love weddings. I’m sure Camilla looks beautiful in her dress.”
 
“It’s a Vera Wang,” Therese answered smugly.
 
It struck Even as odd that nobody seemed terribly interested in who Camilla was marrying. He didn’t know the name of the guy, yet, and when he’d asked Isak for more information, his boyfriend had only shrugged.
 
“How marvellous,” if Anita was affected by Therese’s subtle brag, she did a damn good job of hiding it. “So many things to look forward to. I listened to the loveliest song about weddings the other day. It was…I can’t remember the name of it. Something about seeing the crowd at the church, watching them go galloping down the aisle, the pop of champagne…”
 
“Cole Porter,” Even said to her, grinning.
 
Anita blinked. She appeared surprised that he’d spoken to her at all. “Sorry?”
 
“That’s the guy who wrote the song you’re thinking of,” Even explained, feeling uncomfortable as everyone stared at him once again. “‘De-Lovely’, by Cole Porter. My grandparents listen to his music all the time.”
 
Some of his early memories were of sitting on the floor at his grandparents’ house as a young boy, watching them dance to that song. Their song. Whenever Marie was mad at him, Viktor would play it in their dusty CD player, and Even would watch as his grandmother’s scowls slowly split into smiles. By the end of it, they’d inevitably be whirling each other around in circles, laughing, kissing, and whispering apologies.
 
“Oh!” Anita laughed nervously. “Yes, you’re right. How nice. Not many young people know music like that.”
 
“He was gay, wasn’t he?” Ole said gruffly. He stared pointedly at Even.
 
“I don’t know,” Even admitted calmly, “my grandparents just like his music.”
 
“Hm,” Ole nodded and folded huge arms across his swollen belly, “I’m fairly certain he was gay.”
 
Even was confused. Why the hell would he bring that up? What did it matter? Was it supposed to be a jab at his sexuality?
 
Terje cleared his throat. “Did anyone read the news this morning?”
 
Isak came back to the table, just as Jan and Terje started a discussion about what the global markets were doing that morning. The longer Even sat there, the more Terje and his brother looked alike, to him. One might be forgiven for thinking they were twins. He wondered if they objected to being seen that way, like Isak and Lea.
 
“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” Isak muttered in Even’s ear, as he placed a coffee and a full plate of food in front of him.
 
He sat down beside him. The relaxed, happy boy who had fooled around with him in the shower was gone, Even realised. This Isak was extremely tense, reserved and humiliated.
 
“Why are you sorry?” Even whispered back to him, puzzled.
 
Isak gave a little shrug. “I don’t know, I’m just assuming I need to be.”
 
Even fixed his boyfriend with a sympathetic look, which he hoped conveyed that he had nothing to be sorry for. He wanted to hold his hand or touch his leg, but he wasn’t sure how comfortable Isak would be with something like that, right now.
 
“Growing your hair out, Isak?” said Ole, fixing his nephew with a peculiar smile.
 
Isak touched the back of his head, grabbing a handful of freshly washed curls. “I didn’t have time to cut it.”
 
“Be careful,” the older man added snidely, “you don’t want people to make any assumptions about you.”
 
What kind of assumptions? Even thought bitterly. He was forced to bite his tongue. 
 
“Isak’s been too busy to get a haircut,” Lea stepped in. She glanced at her brother hesitantly, before adding, “he’s looking after Mum.”
 
A thick silence fell over the table. Nobody seemed certain where to look. Even couldn’t hold back any longer; he reached for Isak’s hand, making sure he kept them hidden under the table.
 
Anita was the one who spoke first. Even was already getting the impression that the responsibility for breaking tension often fell to her.
 
“Well, long hair is becoming the style now, isn’t it?” she smiled brightly. Almost too brightly. “Lots of the young doctors at the hospital have long hair.”
 
Ole scowled. “Wouldn’t have been allowed in my day.”
 
“My Aunt Anita is the head nurse at a hospital in Oslo,” Isak explained to Even quietly, “and Uncle Ole is a retired surgeon.”
 
“Oh,” Even nodded. An entire family of medical professionals. The pressure on the younger generation to follow suit must be enormous, even if it was unintentional.
 
“One of the doctors showed me this video he made of his son the other day. Something called a jiff,” Anita went on, smiling in Isak, Even and Lea’s direction, “have you heard of it?”
 
“A GIF, Mum,” Alex said despairingly, “it’s called a GIF.”
 
Anita frowned. “Isn’t that what I said?”
 
Alex only shook his head, perhaps deciding it wasn’t worth trying to explain it to her. Even was no longer taking the lack of eye contact from him personally; Alex seemed reluctant to look at anybody for too long, even his own parents.
 
Terje cleared his throat again. “Isak and Lea are both doing very well in school. Lea topped her class in English. And Isak got a six in Chemistry, and a five in Biology, last semester.”
 
“It was the other way around, Dad,” Isak corrected him, blushing slightly.
 
“Either way,” Terje said seriously, “you did very well.”
 
“Nerd,” Lea muttered to her brother, grinning, as Even beamed at him.
 
“Not that you can talk,” Isak smirked back at her.
 
“That’s wonderful,” Anita told her niece and nephew, before turning to her brother-in-law. “You must be so proud, Terje.”
 
Terje smiled and nodded, though he appeared nervous under the attention. Jan mumbled something congratulatory that was barely coherent. Ole only grunted.
 
“Yes, very good,” Therese added. “Camilla topped every subject when she was at school, for every semester.”
 
Martin rolled his eyes hard. “Yes, we’re all very proud of Camilla.”
 
“Boarding school really was the making of her,” Ole said firmly, looking directly at Terje, “you really should consider it for Lea, when she starts high school.”
 
Lea’s eyes widened in horror. “I’m going to Nissen…right?”
 
She stared at her father, somewhere between fear and disbelief, pleading with him silently.
 
“Of course you are,” Terje told his daughter sincerely, and she instantly relaxed. “You’re going to stay near Isak and I. And your mother.”
 
An uncomfortable stillness fell over the table again. But for the first time since Even had known her, he saw Lea smile at her dad.
 
“Well, I’m sure Nissen is just as good a school,” Therese said, entirely unconvincingly.
 
Her eyes snapped up to stare at something across the room. Even twisted around to see, at the same time as Isak and Lea. A young woman in a dressing gown, makeup done professionally and hair freshly curled, was rushing towards them.
 
“Therese,” she said worriedly, “Camilla is crying again. She’s asking for you.”
 
“What is it now?” Ole grumbled, glowering at the newcomer until she almost crumbled.
 
Therese sighed resignedly. She calmly set her half-empty plate aside and stood up.
 
“Alright, let’s sort it out,” she made eye contact with her two brothers, “I hope you will excuse me.”
 
“Of course,” Anita answered for them, even though she hadn’t been addressed.
 
Therese followed the young woman away, muttering to her as they weaved through the tables of dining tourists.
 
“Anyone care to take bets on whether my sister will hold it together through the ceremony?” Martin said with a smirk.
 
“Martin!” Ole exclaimed brusquely, while his son shrugged.
 
Even noticed his boyfriend staring at the table, trying not to laugh.
 
***

11:28

When breakfast ended, Even had to admit he was relieved to be getting a slight break from Isak’s extended family. He wasn’t sure how the Valtersens were going to react to meeting him, but aside from a couple of comments about it being an inconvenience, they basically hadn’t acknowledged his existence. He didn’t know if he was grateful for this or not. It was better than outright hostility, which he supposed was something. They seemed okay for the most part…though he was dubious about Ole and Therese.
 
Terje and Jan had invited Even, Isak and Lea to join them at the history museum. Even honestly wouldn’t have minded - he was used to Terje by now, and Jan just seemed like a quieter version of his brother - but Isak and Lea were quick to express interest in checking out the cable car instead. Even had a suspicion this was more of an excuse to get away than anything else, but he definitely wasn’t going to argue with them. As soon as they were out of the hotel, Isak had taken his hand, stuffing them both into the pocket of his jacket, the way he often did to protect them from the cold.
 
“Do you think Camilla’s stopped crying by now?” asked Lea as she walked next to them, her face barely visible once again under her layers.
 
“What’s the deal with her, anyway?” Even glanced between the siblings, genuinely perplexed. He was yet to meet their cousin, and probably wouldn’t before the wedding, but from what he could tell she was something else.
 
Isak sighed. “It’s kind of a long story.”
 
“Not really,” Lea argued. She met Even’s eyes directly. “Camilla’s a bit weird, because she was abducted when she as a baby.”
 
Even was so taken aback by this blunt admission, he almost stopped in his tracks. “Seriously?”
 
“You’re making it sound worse than it is,” Isak reprimanded his sister. “She was three years old. She was playing in a park with Martin, when she disappeared and went missing for two days. Turns out this old woman had picked her up. She’d lost her own daughter years and years beforehand, and apparently Camilla looked a lot like her, so she wanted to take her home.”
 
“This was before Isak and I were born,” Lea explained, “we only found out about it a few years ago, from Martin. Nobody likes to talk about stuff like that, in our family.”
 
“The old lady had some problems, I think,” Isak said carefully. “She wasn’t…all there, anymore. But she didn’t hurt Camilla or anything. She looked after her like her own child, until the police found her.”
 
“What happened to the old lady?” Even asked hesitantly. He couldn’t imagine the answer was good. Society wasn’t kind to mentally ill people, and less so if they’d committed a crime.
 
“I don’t know,” Isak admitted. “It made the local news, back when it happened.”
 
“I think she might have gone to prison,” Lea admitted. “That’s what Martin said, anyway.”
 
It made sense to Even now why Therese doted on her daughter so much. He hadn’t realised how powerful it was to face the possibility of losing a child, until he’d heard own mother talk about the experience. The constant attention and smothering hadn't done Camilla any favours, though, as far as he could tell.
 
They joined the short line of tourists and skiers waiting to use the cable car, hardly waiting at all before it was their turn to board. The three of them took up a corner, Isak leaning against Even, and Even wrapping his arms around him from behind. Aside from a couple of glances, nobody seemed to mind or pay them much attention. Lea stood beside them, pressing her hands against the glass and staring out as they slowly rose into the air.
 
“I’m glad you’re here,” he heard Isak say quietly, “I know that’s selfish of me, since this must suck for you, but…I am.”
 
Even kissed him on the cheek. “I’m glad I’m here too.”
 
“Do you think we’ll see the northern lights tonight?” Lea asked, still gazing out the window.
 
“I don’t know,” Even smiled, “but it would be kind of cool. Northern lights would be a pretty great birthday present.”
 
“Huh?” Isak and Lea said almost simultaneously.
 
Even shrugged. This was as good a time to bring it up as any. “It’s my birthday tomorrow.”
 
Isak swivelled in his arms, turning to face him. “What? Seriously?”
 
“He’s joking,” Lea laughed. “You’re joking, right, Even?”
 
Even shrugged again. “Honestly, it’s not that big of a deal.”
 
“Uh, it’s a huge deal,” Isak gaped. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t I know when your birthday was?”
 
“Sorry,” Even answered. He was starting to feel a bit guilty for keeping this under wraps. The reasons he had for doing so seemed flimsy, now that he was forced to voice them aloud. “I guess I just didn’t want to make anything of it. I’m not really into celebrating my birthday.”
 
He used to be, back when he still had his Bakka friends. Mikael had organised his eighteenth, and all the boys had been there. Those days were over, though, now. He’d turned nineteen in a mental hospital, and he was about to be a twenty year old high schooler.
 
His expression must have reflected that his mind had gone somewhere else. Isak’s bewildered look had softened into one of concern. He touched Even’s arm, lightly running his hand up and down it soothingly.
 
“Well we have to do something for it,” Lea pressed.
 
“Really, it’s okay,” Even assured her. “I’m having a good time just being here, with you guys.”
 
Lea seemed unconvinced, but Isak stared at her pointedly, until she got the impression that it was better left alone. By the time they’d reached the top of the mountain, it was all but forgotten about.
 
“Wow,” Lea breathed, as they stepped out onto the lookout in the freezing air.
 
A small group had gathered near the ledge, pointing out at the twinkling lights of the city below. The  sun hung low in the sky, casting an ethereal glow across snow-capped mountains and the glistening fjord.
 
“Okay,” Isak nodded, leaning against the frozen railing, “this is actually pretty cool.”
 
For him, this was high praise, Even knew. He wrapped his arms around Isak again, holding him close so they could absorb each other’s warmth. They took in the view in silence, as the group near them pointed out distant sites and chattered about the amazing weather in low voices.
 
“Mum would love this place,” Lea said quietly after a time.
 
Isak kept his gaze on the expanse before him. “We’ll take her back here, someday.”
 
Lea sniffed, then grinned at her brother mischievously. “Maybe for your wedding.”
 
“Ha ha,” Isak smirked. He shoved her playfully.
 
The three of them stayed there a long time, before the cold finally became too much, and they made their way back down the mountain.
 
***

15:00

Isak was biting his lip in deep concentration, watching his reflection in their hotel bathroom mirror as he attempted to put on a tie. Even was tempted to help, though he knew he’d likely be quickly rebuffed by his overly proud boyfriend. He stood just behind him, fixing his hair, ignoring the little grunts of frustration and annoyance when Isak was forced to start again.
 
“You should have gone with green,” he said, as Isak knotted the satin blue material, “match your eyes.”
 
Isak chuckled. “This is the only tie I own. I’ve had it since my Confirmation.”
 
“Seriously?”
 
“Yeah,” Isak shrugged, “it’s not like I have many occasions to wear them, normally.”
 
He fumbled with the knot again. Sighed deeply, and started to untangle it, bringing him back to square one. Even couldn’t hold back anymore; he wrapped his arms around Isak, placing his hands over his boyfriend’s and guiding them in the right direction.
 
“Have you been to many weddings before?” asked Isak, surprising Even by not resisting his help.
 
“Not really,” he admitted, thinking. “One or two. I was part of my parents’ wedding but I don’t really remember much of it.”
 
“That’s right,” Isak smirked teasingly, “you had that terrible haircut.”
 
Even sighed. “I hate that you know about that.”
 
He finished tying the tie and straightened it, kissing Isak’s cheek. He’d stopped by a barber shop to get his hair cut on the way back from the cable car. It was much shorter now, especially around the sides and the back. Even missed the curls, but this new look was growing on him too. He’d wanted to take Isak to bed immediately - to find out if he could still use the back of Isak’s hair as a handhold when they were making out - but unfortunately they had been running low on time.
 
“How long do you think we have to stay at the reception before we can leave?” Isak asked hopefully.
 
“Probably the whole thing,” Even replied. “Your dad is our ride home, right? So I guess we’ll have to stay as long as he wants to.”
 
Isak frowned, eyes fluttering between their reflections and the bathroom sink. He seemed so despondent.
 
“It’s not going to be that bad,” Even tried to assure him, “we’ll get through it.”
 
His boyfriend hesitated, before turning around to face him. He curled his hands around Even’s biceps.
 
“It’s not that. I wish you’d told me,” he said quietly, “about your birthday. I would have gotten you something, or done something. I don’t know.”
 
He was genuinely so down about it. Even immediately felt guilty.
 
“I’m sorry,” he said, “but I meant what I told you and Lea before. I knew I should at least mention it, but I didn’t want to make it into a big deal. To be honest…I’ve kind of been trying not to think about it.”
 
“Why?”
 
Even stared into confused green eyes, wondering how to explain it to him. He was sure that by now, Isak would have realised he didn’t have many friends. That he didn’t keep in touch with anybody from his old school. There was no easy way to tell him that celebrating a birthday would only remind him of that fact. It was far too humiliating and shameful.
 
“I guess because this isn’t really where I wanted to be at twenty years old,” he answered instead. It was still true. “I thought maybe I’d be in film school by now, or off travelling somewhere. Not still in high school.”
 
Isak’s expression softened from one of confusion to one of tenderness. A hand cupped one of his cheeks, fingers lightly stroking up and down.
 
“If you were off travelling or in film school, we probably never would have met,” Isak reminded him.
 
Even smiled, pressing into Isak’s touch.
 
“Yes we would,” he said firmly. “Maybe not at the same time, but I know we would have eventually.”
 
Isak laughed. “How do you know that?”
 
“Because I think I was always supposed to find you.”
 
He was expecting Isak to roll his eyes or call him cheesy or lame, so he was surprised when the other boy fixed him with a look of complete adoration, before pressing their lips together. It was passionate, but emotional and loving at the same time. Even could actually feel how much he meant to Isak in that moment, and he willingly let himself drown in it.
 
A sharp knock at the door forced them apart. Isak huffed, irritated by the intrusion, which was so adorable and amusing Even had to grin. His boyfriend slid out from their embrace to answer it.
 
“Yeah?”
 
Even exited the bathroom, to see Terje standing in the doorway, dressed in a suit that looked like it cost ten times more than the meagre savings in Even’s bank account. He suddenly became hyperaware of the fact that Isak had messed his hair up slightly when they were kissing, and hastily tried to push it back in place.
 
“You were supposed meet us downstairs five minutes ago,” Terje eyed them suspiciously.
 
“Sorry,” Isak turned around and rolled his eyes so that only Even could see, making him laugh. “Okay, yeah, we’re ready.”
 
“Come on,” Terje frowned, “we don’t want to walk into the church late.”
 
Lea was waiting for them downstairs, wearing one of the dresses she’d bought with the girls, hair styled up in elegant braids, the way Linn had taught her to do. These days, she wore her makeup in a way that really reminded Even of Noora. She was gradually starting to look and act much older.
 
“Red lipstick? Really?” Isak frowned in concern when he saw his sister.
 
“What’s wrong with it?” Lea shot back defiantly. She absently played with her silver cross necklace, visible just beneath her coat.
 
“I’ve told you before,” Isak folded his arms, “that look is way too old for you.”
 
“No it isn’t. Anyway, you can’t criticise me. You’re the one who keeps running late to everything because you’re busy making out with your boyfriend.”
 
“That’s not true!”
 
“Yes, it is!”
 
“Okay, that’s enough,” Terje coughed, clearly flustered. “Everybody looks fine. Get in the car, all of you.”
 
The drive to the church was mercifully short. It was a sweeping, sloping building that jutted out from its surrounds, illuminated in golden light against the darkening arctic sky. Based on what Even knew about her so far, the place seemed very Camilla. He wondered what she looked like. If she was still that smiling, strawberry-blonde he’d seen in the picture at Marianne’s house.
 
“Good, we’re on time,” Terje muttered, checking his watch before he got out of the car. They followed him into the warmth of the church, which was teeming with wedding guests. Even had never been to an event with this many people in his entire life. There were easily enough people to provide a cast of extras.
 
“Camilla and her fiancé must be popular,” he murmured to his boyfriend.
 
“How much money do you think this wedding cost?” Lea asked.
 
Her brother shrugged. “I don’t know, but I doubt Camilla is the one paying for it.”
 
They were seated towards the front of the church, in the area reserved for the immediate family. Anita did most of the talking, complimenting everyone on how nice they looked, and marvelling at the impressiveness of the building they were in. Jan and Alex seemed happy to be left out of the discussion, the latter keeping his eyes on his phone. When Even sat down, he glanced over and realised Alex was routinely checking the score of an EPL game that was happening right now.
 
“Is that the groom?” Even asked Isak quietly, gesturing to a weedy looking guy who was standing at the alter.
 
“I have no idea,” Isak admitted, trying to hold it together. The fact that nobody seemed to know was so absurd.
 
Martin swivelled around in his seat to face them, with an amused smirk.
 
“Isak, you should know that doesn’t matter by now,” he said snidely, “what’s important is that the dress is Vera Wang.”
 
“Martin,” Therese hissed at her son, “nobody is interested in your sarcastic comments.”
 
To say she was highly strung would have been an understatement. This meant everything to her, Even could tell. It might as well have been her wedding day.
 
Martin rose his eyebrows at them before turning back to face the front. Even didn’t mind him so much. He was pretty jaded and bitter, though so far he’d been the most inclined to acknowledge Even’s existence, which definitely counted for something.
 
The wedding procession started soon after, led by a couple of flower girls and a seemingly never-ending torrent of bridesmaids in dresses the colour of red wine. Therese watched all of them with poorly restrained scrutiny. Alex, Even noticed, was still checking the EPL score on his phone, holding it down low so that nobody could see. He nudged Isak and nodded in Alex’s direction, pointing it out to him. His boyfriend buried his face in his shoulder momentarily, hiding his laughter.
 
When Camilla entered the church, clutching Ole’s arm, Even’s mouth nearly fell open - though he wasn’t sure it would have been for the right reasons. She was still the girl he remembered from the old family photos, but her profile was virtually obstructed from view thanks to the world’s most over-the-top wedding dress. It ruffled, feathered and plumed around her, a long train dragging behind her up the aisle. Even turned behind him, raising his eyebrows at Isak in disbelief, but his boyfriend only shrugged and shook his head grimly.
 
“The train is tangled,” Therese whispered angrily in front of him. Her narrow eyes were focused entirely on her daughter’s dress as she made her way to the alter, as though it had caused the upmost offence.
 
“Let it go, Therese,” Terje said calmly, placing a hand on his sister’s shoulder from over the seat.
 
Therese’s thin lips pursed, following the tangled train with her eyes, not looking up even when her husband gave her daughter away to the groom. Even could sense her agitation growing by the second.
 
“Nobody’s noticed,” she murmured, “I’ll fix it for her.”
 
“Mum, I swear to God,” Martin grabbed his mother’s arm, restraining her when she tried to move.
 
Therese glowered at him, before turning her attentions to one of the unsuspecting bridesmaids. “Lisbeth…Lisbeth!”
 
The anxious young woman who had interrupted breakfast before jolted when she was hissed at, blinking, startled, like a deer caught in headlights. Therese gestured wildly in Camilla’s direction and uttered the word ‘train’ repeatedly, until Lisbeth finally got the message. She awkwardly got to her knees and began fumbling with Camilla’s dress, as the ceremony continued. Therese audibly exhaled a long breath, finally satisfied.
 
“Jesus Christ,” Isak whispered, burying his face in Even’s shoulder again.
 
Even smiled down at him. He wanted to wrap both arms around his embarrassed boyfriend and kiss his flushed face. He settled for brushing his lips lightly against the top of his head instead.
 
“At least it can’t get any worse.”
 
“Are you kidding?” Isak lifted his head slightly. “We’re not even at the reception yet.”
 
***

18:14

Even waited patiently until he’d finally made it to the front of the line for the open bar. He hadn’t planned on drinking at all this weekend; but after that wedding ceremony, he was convinced he wasn’t going to make it through the night without at least one drink. He’d left Isak and Lea listening to Anita gush about Camilla’s wedding dress, unable to think up a decent enough excuse to rescue them. At least it was better than getting stuck with Therese and Ole.
 
“Quick question,” a voice beside him asked, “how drunk do you think we’ll need to get to block out the memory of this whole day?”
 
Martin had snuck up next to him in the line when he was paying attention. He studied him seriously over the top of his glasses. He was sarcastic so often that it was exceedingly difficult to tell when he was being genuine.
 
“Wow, you’re actually talking to me?” Even decided to throw some sarcasm back at him, figuring he’d probably appreciate it. “I was starting to think that maybe I was invisible.”
 
He was pleased when he managed to make Isak’s cousin laugh.
 
“I wouldn’t take it personally,” said Martin. “It’s not so much that they don’t like you. More a case of them not knowing what to say. First Uncle Terje says he won’t be bringing Aunt Marianne because they’re separated, then he asks if Isak can bring his boyfriend along instead? I mean, come on. These people don’t know how to deal with stuff like that.”
 
“Yeah, I get that,” Even conceded, glancing behind him to see if he could spot Isak. He found Terje instead, off talking to Jan again. It struck him that getting him an invite to this function probably took a lot of courage on Terje’s part, and he felt a sudden surge of admiration for him.
 
“You know, Camilla basically threw a tantrum when she found out you were coming,” Martin continued. “She didn’t understand why Isak had to come out of the closet now. She was worried you two were going to monopolise all the attention and steal her wedding thunder.”
 
“Trust me, that was never our intention,” Even laughed wryly, “Isak and I get enough attention as it is.”
 
“Either way, I’m a fan of anything that steals Camilla’s thunder,” Martin grinned, “so you’re all good in my books.”
 
“Well, thanks, I guess,” Even gave him a small smile in return. He was a strange guy, but so far he was the person he liked best out of Isak’s extended family.
 
“It was a bit of a shock, though,” Martin admitted. “I was talking about it with Alex before. Neither of us ever figured that Isak was gay.”
 
Even didn’t know what to say to that. It was a part of himself that Isak had clearly kept hidden for most of his life. He shrugged.
 
“You know I read this study a while ago,” Martin went on, “that said there are more gay people from this generation - Gen Z, I mean - than any generation before. That’s interesting, isn’t it?”
 
“Probably just that more people are comfortable coming out than they were in the past,” Even suggested.
 
“Yeah, maybe,” Martin paused to ponder this a moment. “I also read another study that talked about human sexuality being fluid. Like, for a lot of people, it fluctuates throughout their lifetime. What do you think about that? Do you think you or Isak would ever go back to liking girls?”
 
Even laughed. “I can’t speak for Isak. But I’m attracted to girls, too.”
 
“Fascinating,” Martin regarded him with genuine intrigue, “what’s that like?”
 
“I don’t know. What’s it like being straight?”
 
Martin spluttered. “Okay. Fair. I see your point.”
 
They reached the front of the line, Even taking one glass of champagne while Martin grabbed one for each hand.
 
“You know it’s an open bar, right? You can take as much as you want.”
 
“I don’t really drink a lot,” Even answered calmly. “Well, I try not to, anymore.”
 
Martin nodded sombrely. “Alcoholic?”
 
Man, Isak’s cousin was blunt. He reminded Even a bit of Magnus, but without the added charm or good intentions.
 
“No, I’m not an alcoholic,” Even laughed it off.
 
“It’s okay if you are. I’m not one to judge,” Martin lowered his voice somewhat. “I’m pretty sure Aunt Anita has a problem. I think she self-medicates to mask her generalised anxiety disorder.”
 
“Do you always like to diagnose people with things?” Even asked incredulously.
 
“Well, I’m training to be a psychiatrist, so it’s going to be part of the job,” the other man explained. “I’m getting pretty good at it.”
 
Even struggled to hide his amusement. “Oh yeah? What got you interested in that line of work?”
 
“What didn’t get me interested? Medicating the human brain? What else would anyone want to do with their lives?”
 
Even could think of a few things. Mental illness was always far less fascinating from the inside out.
 
“What would you diagnose me with?” he couldn’t resist asking.
 
Martin gulped down the rest of his glass, studying Even’s face silently for a few minutes. It was virtually impossible to keep a straight face as he watched the cogs ticking away in Martin’s head.
 
“I don’t know,” he finally said. “I don’t know you that well. But you seem fairly neurotypical.”
 
Even beamed, surprised by how good it felt to hear that from a near-to-complete stranger. “Thanks. I appreciate that.”
 
Martin had started on his second champagne, taking in the room of excited guests with disdain.
 
“You know who the real crazy people are, though? The ones who want to do this shit,” he made a sweeping gesture with his free hand.
 
“Get married?” Even coaxed an eyebrow at him.
 
“Exactly,” Martin paused to take another long sip. “It’s fucking bullshit, man.”
 
“That’s a bit of a weird thing to say at your sister’s wedding, don’t you think?”
 
“No, it’s the perfect time. I mean, I could never do what she’s done,” Martin shook his head bitterly. “Look at Terje and Marianne. Then there’s my own parents, who haven’t slept in the same bed in forever. Once, after she’d had a few wines, Aunt Anita told me the only reason she hasn’t divorced Uncle Jan is because she’s worried it would leave her financially destitute. Seriously, how depressing is that?”
 
It was depressing, Even had to admit. Jan, Therese and Terje: three siblings, apparently with three failed marriages. He wondered how Isak felt about it.
 
“You never know,” he said with a wan smile, “maybe Camilla and what’s-his-name will make it.”
 
Martin sniggered. “Maybe Donald Trump will get impeached. Maybe the war in Syria will end tomorrow.”
 
Even just kept smiling at him. He gave a little shrug.
 
“Man, I can tell you’re still young. The world hasn’t beaten you down yet,” Martin laughed. “Wait until you get to my age. You’ll be just as cynical, trust me.”
 
“I don’t know,” Even’s eyes drifted across the room until they found Isak, still speaking to his sister. He grinned, “maybe not.”
 
***

20:45

“The bride and groom will now cut the wedding cake,” announced Martin, as though he was dead inside.
 
“They stole your song,” Even whispered to Isak next to him, smirking. ‘I’m Yours’ had just started blaring over the loudspeakers.
 
“Sssh,” Isak gave him a teasing nudge, “it’s not my song.”
 
“Really? You wouldn’t have this at your wedding?”
 
“Absolutely not,” Isak tried to feign seriousness, “my wedding playlist is going to be all N.W.A and Nas. Maybe a bit of Wu-Tang Clan.”
 
Even laughed. “What about Snoop Dogg?”
 
“Of course. I thought that went without saying.”
 
“Gabrielle?”
 
“No. Never,” Isak shook his head, grinning, “we’re not playing Gabrielle.”
 
The use of ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ did not escape Even’s attention. He couldn’t keep the smile off his face.
 
“Just one Gabrielle song?” he pleaded.
 
Isak sighed and crossed his arms. “Okay, maybe one,” he cast Even a sly glance, “if you’re lucky.”
 
“Are you arguing about your wedding plans already?” Lea asked as she listened in. “You’re not even engaged.”
 
“Hypothetical wedding,” Even explained, as Isak blushed. “What about you, Lea? What would your wedding playlist be?”
 
“I’m never getting married,” she rose her head defiantly, “I don’t want to belong to some man.”
 
Even exchanged a quick look with Isak and laughed.
 
“You might change your mind someday,” he told her, “if you meet the right person.”
 
Lea pondered this a moment. “Maybe if he agreed to take my last name,” she shrugged, “I wouldn’t mind being a bridesmaid, though. Could I be yours, Isak?”
 
“Sure,” Isak laughed.
 
“What about best man? Or I guess it would be best woman, in that case.”
 
“Jonas would be best man,” Isak replied, with absolute certainty.
 
Something about the way he said it made Even feel a twinge of sadness, despite his best attempts to ignore it. It reminded him that there was nobody in his life he could picture choosing as a best man right now, with as much assurance as Isak could choose Jonas. Anders was a good friend, but they weren’t that close, and they definitely didn’t have as much history as Isak and Jonas did. He briefly entertained the fantasy of marrying Isak someday with Mikael as his best man, but that only made him feel worse. It would never, ever happen. Mikael was gone from his life forever. He needed to let it go.
 
Lea and Isak were still arguing over what her role would be at their hypothetical wedding. Even tried to focus on the here and now, and listen. He had let it go, for the most part. Most days, he didn’t even think about it anymore. It was only in moments like these that the flood of feelings would come racing back, and it was almost impossible to ignore the simple truth. No matter how far he had come, he still missed Mikael, and the boys from Bakka. He missed his best friend. He probably always would.
 
Pieces of wedding cake were distributed around the table of Valtersens. Anita raved about the taste and texture, while Therese smugly informed everyone that they’d used the most renowned cake decorator in Oslo. Alex wasn’t even pretending to pay attention anymore; he had his headphones jammed in, eyes fixed on his phone screen as he live streamed the EPL match he’d been so interested in before. If anybody minded, it was obvious they weren’t going to comment.
 
“It’s almost time for the special couple’s first dance,” Martin said into the microphone, spilling a bit of his champagne. Even wondered how inebriated he was at this point. “After that, they will invite all other couples to join them on the dance floor. If you’re single…sucks to be you, basically.”
 
A nervous chuckle rumbled across the room, from people who clearly weren’t sure whether they should be laughing or not.
 
“Seriously, single people, this would be a good time to head to the open bar. Especially if you’re a hot bridesmaid,” Martin pointed clumsily at them, “I’ll see you over there.”
 
Camilla was glowering at her brother, as though she’d like nothing more than to throw her uneaten piece of cake in his face.
 
“Are you and Even going to dance?” Lea turned towards her brother.
 
Even grinned at the suggestion, while Isak blushed again. Isak opened his mouth to reply, but was cut short by a sudden outburst from his uncle.
 
“I should hope not,” Ole said contemptuously from the other end of the table.
 
Why? Even wanted to ask. Would it make you uncomfortable? Would it remind you that you’re stuck in a loveless marriage, seeing two people who love each other dancing? He’d had more than enough of Ole’s snide little side remarks, throughout the course of the day. This was Isak’s family though, not his. He didn’t feel like it was his place to say anything.
 
“Why not?” Lea asked, genuinely confused. “They’re a couple.”
 
Anita laughed, far too loudly. “This champagne is wonderful, isn’t it? Don’t you agree, darling?”
 
“Uh…” Jan looked anywhere but at his wife, as though he desperately wanted to disappear.
 
Therese shook her head sadly. “Lea, this has been a very confusing time for you-”
 
“It’s not confusing,” Lea cut her aunt off abruptly. “It’s fine. I like Even a lot. I basically have two brothers, now.”
 
“I didn’t mean anything by it,” Ole folded his arms across his chest defensively, “I just think that-”
 
Terje gave a frustrated groan. “Ole, nobody cares what you think.”
 
Both Ole and Therese were visibly taken aback, glancing at each other in confusion. Ole adjusted his glasses, surveying his brother-in-law with indignation and bewilderment.
 
“Excuse me?”
 
Terje completely ignored him, grey eyes fixed squarely on his son.
 
“It’s alright, Isak,” he said softly. “You don’t have to listen to that kind of nonsense. Don’t let him see how much it bothers you. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
 
Isak stared back at his father in silence, lips parted slightly, eyes wide.
 
“Thanks, Dad,” he finally said.
 
Terje coughed into his hand. “Why don’t you ask Even to dance?”
 
Other couples had begun moving onto the dance floor; they had missed the entirety of Camilla’s first dance, distracted by the conversation. Isak looked into Even’s eyes, laughing, all shy and sweet.
 
“Do you want to?”
 
Even smiled at him and nodded. Of course he wanted to. He always would. Isak’s hand entwined with his, and he was pulled to his feet, led over to the dancing couples. Isak stood there, momentarily unsure of what to do. Even wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling them close, and his boyfriend’s hands slowly drifted towards his shoulders.
 
“I’m sorry,” Isak said regretfully, as they swayed to the music, “this really sucks.”
 
“It doesn’t suck,” Even answered. “Okay, maybe parts of it do, but…I get to spend all this time with you, so that’s pretty cool.”
 
“I can’t believe my dad said that,” Isak shook his head. “He never says stuff like that. Especially not at events like these.”
 
“Maybe he’s starting to change.”
 
“Thanks to you,” Isak grinned at him.
 
Even shook his head, laughing. “No, thanks to you. When you started standing up for your mum, it inspired him. I can tell.”
 
Isak rested his head on Even’s shoulder, holding him tightly, as the music played.
 
“At least this trip isn’t a total loss,” he said coyly, after a brief silence. “Don’t forget we still have our own hotel room.”
 
“I haven’t forgotten,” Even laughed. “Am I still banished to the sex bed?”
 
“Yeah, but I think I’m going to join you there. It is your birthday, after all.”
 
“Yes!” Even quietly cheered. He probably sounded way too excited.
 
One of Isak’s hands gripped the back of his neck, pulling him down for a kiss.
 
“I love you a lot,” his boyfriend said.
 
Even had to kiss him again. “I love you too.”
 
***

23:27

Even spun Anita around on the dance floor. She laughed, practically tripping over her own feet, as the song came to an end.
 
“Oh my goodness, I haven’t had this much fun in years!” she exclaimed, cheeks flushed from both champagne and exertion. “Jan never dances with me, you know. He flat out refuses.”
 
“Well, he doesn’t know what he’s missing out on,” Even gave her a charming smile. “Do you want another drink?”
 
Anita giggled, taking hold of his arm. “Why not?”
 
He grinned, leading her towards the bar. He was pretty sure he’d won Isak’s aunt over, which he considered a pretty big achievement. More than that, she was growing on him too. Anita could actually he kind of fun when she let her hair down, he was discovering…even if she was a bit overly fond of the booze.
 
“The last time I danced like this was on a cruise ship in the Greek Islands,” she told him, as they approached the bar. “We met the most lovely people on that boat. This delightful young couple…husband offered to dance with me. You do meet the most wonderful people when you travel.”
 
“Wow, that’s awesome,” Even said sincerely. He asked the bartender for two glasses of water, slyly pushing the second one in Anita’s direction as she guzzled more champagne. “I’d love go to the Greek Islands someday. I want to go everywhere, really.”
 
“Do you travel much, Even?” she questioned in between sips. He was relieved when she went for the water on the next round.
 
“No, not at all. But I’d really like to.”
 
“Well, what’s stopping you?”
 
“No money,” he laughed. “That, and still being in high school.”
 
Anita pondered this seriously. “Well, I can’t do much about the high school part, but I might be able to help you out with the money. One of the young nurses I work with is married to the manager of a Kaffebrenneriet near the hospital. They’re looking for part time workers; she posted about it on the Facebook the other day. If you’re interested, I could recommend you?”
 
“Really?” Even tried not to get too hopeful. Anita had had more than a few drinks…he wasn’t sure she’d feel the same way once she’d sobered up.
 
“Oh, absolutely!” she patted his arm. “It would be my pleasure. Just make sure you remind me. Get Terje to give me a call.”
 
He hadn’t really entertained the possibility of a part time job before, thanks to his health. But he’d been doing so well lately…for the first time since his diagnosis, it didn’t seem like it was entirely out of reach. A job could really change his life. He could afford to take Isak out on proper dates. He could save up to go on holidays, see the world like he’d always dreamed of. He might even be able to afford to move out of his parents’ place.
 
“Thank you, Anita. I’d really appreciate it.”
 
The sound of breaking glass interrupted them, followed by a loud shriek. Martin - who had slowly been getting rejected by every bridesmaid throughout the course of the night - had just dropped a glass inches from Lisbeth’s feet.
 
“Oh dear,” Anita shook her head, struggling to hold back her laughter. “At least he’s putting himself out there, I suppose. Just look at my son…at this rate, I’ll never be a grandmother.”
 
She gestured towards Alex, who had retreated to a lonely corner some time ago with his phone. He seemed perfectly content not to have to talk to anybody, despite his mother’s apparent concern.
 
“At least he’s happy, I guess?” Even wasn’t sure what else he could say.
 
“Yes. You’re right,” Anita sighed in defeat. “That’s the thing, Even. You can’t choose your own family. It certainly helps when they have an open bar, though.”
 
She winked at him, and he laughed. He felt a hand press against his back, and turned to see Isak standing just behind him.
 
“Hey, Aunt Anita,” he smiled at her, “do you mind if I borrow Even for a few minutes?”
 
“Of course!” Anita leaned over Even, so she could pat her nephew’s arm, lowering her voice, “he’s very nice, Isak. You’ve done well.”
 
Isak’s eyes widened in surprise. Clearly, he hadn’t been expecting this. “Um, thank you.”
 
Although they were talking about him, Even suddenly felt awkward standing between them, like he was intruding on a family moment. He was glad when Isak grabbed his arm and whisked him away, Anita waving a manicured hand at them on the way out.
 
“Hey, Isak!” Martin called out after them, his voice slurred. “Come over here a second! Bring your boyfriend!”
 
“Keep your head down,” Isak whispered to him, grinning, “pretend you didn’t hear him.”
 
“Where are we going?” Even laughed, as they left the reception venue. Isak hastily threw him his jacket, and they stepped out into the cold night air.
 
“You’ll find out soon,” Isak extended a hand to him, “can you drive?”
 
“Uh, yeah,” Even answered, entwining their fingers together, “but we don’t have a car, remember?”
 
Isak smirked, reaching into his pocket with his free hand. He jangled a set of car keys in front of him.
 
“Terje’s rental?” Even blinked in disbelief. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
 
“Says the guy who is totally fine with breaking and entering somebody’s house,” Isak pointed out. “Don’t worry, we’ll be back before anybody even notices.”
 
He was all excited, grinning mischievously, eyes alight in a way that gave Even butterflies when he looked at him. He probably would have done anything Isak wanted in that moment, and he was admittedly curious to find out what this was all about. Okay, he would play along. They crept over to Terje’s car, Isak looking around the car park quickly before he tossed him the keys.
 
“Do I get to find out where we’re going yet?” Even asked, once he’d switched on the engine.
 
“Nope,” Isak cast him a sidelong glance, opening up his phone, “I’m going to give you directions.”
 
Even laughed. “Why does this feel like it’s a bad idea?”
 
“You don’t trust me?” Isak pretended to be offended.
 
“I trust you more than anybody else.”
 
“Good,” Isak said teasingly, “so hurry up and drive. We don’t have a lot of time.”
 
They were on a time schedule? What the hell was he planning? Even backed out of the parking spot, following Isak’s directions until they had left the city lights behind them. They weren’t on the road for long, before he was told to pull over, just off one of the main highways.
 
“Okay, I think this is it,” Isak squinted at his map, thinking. “Yeah. Let’s get out here.”
 
They locked up the car, then Isak took hold of his arm, leading them up a dark, snowy path.
 
“Is this the part where you say that nobody can hear me scream out here?” Even joked.
 
Isak nudged him with his hip. “Shut up.”
 
As the path began to curve upwards, Even finally began to understand. A faint green glow was visible just above the treetops.
 
“Yes,” Isak whispered to himself, checking his phone, “just in time.”
 
They emerged onto the side of a hill. Brilliant green and purple lit up the glittering sky above them, casting it’s glow over the surrounding trees and mountains. Even didn’t realise he’d stopped in his tracks, still holding Isak’s hand, his mouth falling open.
 
“Isak…” he didn’t know what to say. The view had taken his breath away.
 
His boyfriend suddenly threw his arms around him, placing a long, lingering kiss on his cheek.
 
“It’s midnight,” he told him happily, kissing him again. “Happy birthday, baby.”
 
A gloved hand pressed against his freezing cheek, and Isak tilted his face towards him, locking their lips together before he had a chance to say thank you. He was overwhelmed with emotion. This was the single most romantic, most thoughtful thing anybody had ever done for him in his life to date. No other birthday could ever compare.
 
“How did you…?” he trailed away when they broke apart, still lost for words.
 
“You didn’t give me much time,” Isak laughed. “I know you wanted to see the northern lights…and Lea was right. I had to do something for you.”
 
“Thank you,” he wrapped his arms around Isak’s waist, pulling him into a tight hug. “This is the best birthday ever.”
 
He could feel his boyfriend grinning into his shoulder.
 
“How does it feel to be twenty?”
 
“Honestly?” Even considered for a second. “The same as it felt to be nineteen.”
 
“See? It’s not so bad,” Isak pulled back to smile at him, before his expression turned serious. “I know your life might not look the way you want it to right now, but…there’s still a lot to be grateful for. A lot to be proud of. And I think that’s worth celebrating.”
 
Even squeezed his boyfriend’s waist. He was right. He’d been so focused on worrying about the future and brooding over his past. He had forgotten to appreciate the here and now.
 
“It is worth celebrating. Thank you for reminding me of that.”
 
Isak’s arms circled around his neck. “This time next year, when you turn twenty-one, where do you think you’ll be?”
 
“I’ll be with you,” Even answered, without hesitating. “At least, I hope so, anyway.”
 
Isak beamed. “What else?”
 
Even considered. “I’ll be studying, working. Maybe I would have already had my first trip overseas. And…I’ll still be healthy. Like, mentally, I mean. I’ll be stable.”
 
“You will,” Isak said, with the tone of someone who truly believed it. “And even if you don’t…even if it takes a little longer, you’ll get there. You’ll get everything you want.”
 
“I already have everything that I want.”
 
Isak laughed, hiding his face in Even’s side momentarily. When he lifted it again, he was blushing. “You’re such a dork.”
 
They kissed each other again, as the aurora danced and shimmered above them.
 
***

Sunday, 12 February, 2017

17:55

Even was jolted awake when Terje’s car stopped out the front of the Kollektiv. Beside him, Isak had fallen asleep too, eyes bleary as he pulled himself up off the window. He’d done his best to hide it with a scarf, but the tip of a purple blemish was still just visible on the side of his pale neck. Isak had been a little annoyed when he discovered it before they left the hotel, but Even had pointed out that technically, he had kept his word about not giving him a hickey before the wedding. And besides, it was his birthday.
 
Still the best birthday ever, he might add. They’d taken full advantage of the hotel room last night…and again that morning…and again after breakfast. They were both extra tired, but Even was feeling pretty damn good about the whole situation.
 
Terje turned around in the front seat, surveying them both with serious grey eyes.
 
“I want to thank you for coming to the wedding this weekend. All three of you,” his gaze drifted over Lea in the seat next to him, then Isak, then Even. “I know that things are changing…that they’re going to keep changing, for a while. But…well, it meant a lot to me that you were there. I appreciate it.”
 
It was so uncommon to hear Terje admit anything so personal, or emotional, that even Even felt embarrassed. It was altogether touching, to be included in his gratitude.
 
“Well,” he coughed before any of them could reply, “have a good week. I’ll call you all soon.”
 
“Thanks, Terje,” Even smiled at him.
 
“Yeah,” Isak coughed in the exact same manner as his father, “thanks, Dad.”
 
“Dad, did you know that today is Even’s birthday?” Lea piped up.
 
“No,” Terje’s eyes widened in surprise. He twisted around in his seat again. “Happy birthday, Even.”
 
Even laughed. “Thank you.”
 
“I’m sorry if we kept you away from your family.”
 
“It’s okay. My parents face-timed me this morning,” he replied. They’d made reference to Isak’s hickey as well, joking that he obviously was having a very good birthday, and Isak had hid under the bed for about five minutes afterwards.
 
They finished saying goodbyes, taking their luggage out of the car, before watching Terje drive away. Now that he was more awake, Isak seemed a little agitated, licking his lips the way he did when he was shy or nervous. Even had no idea why. The family trip was finally over…he should be totally relaxed.
 
“Wait, wait, wait!” Lea suddenly shouted, when Even picked up the suitcase and moved to head upstairs. She quickly typed something out on her phone. A reply dinged back a few seconds later. “Okay. It’s fine. You can go.”
 
“Something wrong?” Even eyed her curiously.
 
“No! Nothing,” Lea glanced at her brother, who shot her a pointed look. The two of them were equally as bad at lying. Something was definitely up.
 
“You’re both acting weird,” he laughed.
 
“No we’re not!” Lea replied hastily. She poked him in the arm. “Come on, hurry up. It’s cold out here.”
 
The apartment was unusually quiet when they opened the front door. Isak and Lea hung back, allowing Even through first. Weird behaviour, again. The others must have all gone out, but that was rare for a Sunday night. He walked towards the living area with the suitcase, intending to dump it in Isak’s bedroom.
 
“SURPRI-“ Magnus’ booming voice echoed down the corridor, before Even had even reached the living area. “Oh fuck! Was I too early?”
 
“Magnus, you ruined it!” Vilde chided. Even arrived in time to see her playfully shove her boyfriend in the arm.
 
“What the…?” Even trailed away.
 
“Surprise!” a chorus of the word followed, some louder than others, all at completely different times. Everybody laughed afterwards.
 
The living room was full of people. Eskild, Noora and Linn. Sana, Eva, Vilde and Chris. Magnus, Mahdi and Jonas. Anders and Hanna. Some of them were bickering about whose fault it was that they hadn’t managed to pull off the surprise properly. Some of them were still giggling about it. For Even, it was more than a surprise. He was frozen in place in total shock, the suitcase dropped to the floor.
 
Noora came towards him first. She threw her arms around his neck, kissing him on the cheek. He could feel a mark there from her red lipstick when she pulled away.
 
“Happy birthday, Even!” she said warmly.
 
“How did…?” he was lost for words, laughing. “I didn’t tell anyone.”
 
Lea came up from behind him. “I told you. We had to do something.”
 
“She texted Eskild and Noora,” Isak explained, from Even’s other side. He rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. “It kind of just grew from there. I couldn’t stop it, sorry.”
 
Even’s eyes swept across the room. All these people had wanted to do this, for him? Apart from Anders and Hanna, he’d always seen this group as more of Isak’s friends. Had they truly become his friends too, without him even noticing?
 
“I hope it’s okay,” Isak said nervously, “I know you didn’t really want to make a fuss…”
 
Even pulled Isak towards him, kissing his cheek.
 
“It’s more than okay,” he said, surprised by the emotion in his voice.
 
“Dude!” Magnus came barrelling towards him, attacking him with a hug that nearly knocked him off his feet. “Why did you tell us it was your fucking birthday? We would have got you a proper present.”
 
“Yeah, all we had time to do was get you this beer,” Mahdi said despondently. He held out a six-pack of Tuborg, that looked like it had gone slightly warm. “Sorry it’s not more exciting.”
 
“Are you kidding? It’s awesome. You didn’t have to get me anything,” he motioned to shake hands with the other boy, but was quickly pulled into a hug instead. “Thanks, man.”
 
“I told you he’d like it,” Jonas said with a grin, hugging Even as well. “Happy birthday, bro.”
 
“Thanks,” Even smirked at him as he pulled back. “Better than a flask full of tequila.”
 
Jonas spluttered. “Anything is better than that.”
 
“But seriously, though,” Even said seriously, “thank you, guys.”
 
“You really kept that quiet,” Anders grinned, as he and Hanna hugged Even as well. “Next time we all go out, your drinks are on us, okay?”
 
“We have to go out again soon,” Hanna added eagerly. “That was the best night of my life ever.”
 
“We’ll do a belated birthday thing,” Anders added.
 
“Yeah, we’re down,” Even glanced towards Isak, who nodded.
 
The hugs and the happy birthdays were constant, from everybody in the room. When the crowd started to thin, with people gathering and mingling in small groups, Sana quietly slid up to him.
 
“Happy birthday, Even,” she smiled at him, her expression slightly warmer than it normally was.
 
“Thank you,” he smiled back.
 
He hadn’t spent much time alone with her before, worried that it might be too awkward, given their shared history and past. They stood next to each other silently for a minute or so, watching Isak and Eva joking around together across the room.
 
“I don’t know if this is weird…” Sana began hesitantly, her eyes still on their friends, “but I feel like you should know. When I was leaving to come here today, I mentioned it to my brother, and he said I should tell you happy birthday from him.”
 
Even’s heart had stopped. “Elias said that?”
 
“Yeah,” she glanced over at him, “just thought I should tell you.”
 
Elias wished him a happy birthday? It was probably just a passing gesture, not much thought put into it at all, but Even felt like he was glowing from the inside out. He suddenly wanted to ask Sana a million questions - about how Elias was doing, what he and the boys had been up to since school, whether they thought about him as much as he did them. Before he worked up the courage to, however, she had already walked away, joining Chris and Vilde in a conversation. That was fine. It was enough for now. For the first time in a long time, when he thought about one of his old friends, he felt a glimmer of hope.
 
“I hope you’re all ready for cake!” Noora exclaimed, emerging from the kitchen with an enormous plate.
 
“We made it,” Eskild told him, with a proud grin.
 
“Noora and I made it,” Linn muttered from behind him, “you just stood there and told us what we were doing wrong.”
 
Eskild shrugged. “I helped.”
 
Noora held the plate in front of him. It was a large, chocolate cake, with ‘Happy Birthday Even’ written in sloping, wonky white icing across the top.
 
“Linn did the cake decoration,” Eskild pointed out, “just so you know.”
 
“I did my best, okay?” Linn sighed.
 
Even stared at the cake, overcome with a thousand different feelings. He realised that he was dangerously close to crying, the tears threatening to brim to the surface. All of them had done this for him. He thought his birthday was going to be lonely and sad, but he had been wrong. This was more than he ever could have imagined.
 
Noora was waiting expectantly, still holding out the cake, waiting for him to say something. He was choked up, unable to get a single word out. He felt Isak’s hand press against his, his body a comforting warmth at his side.
 
“It’s the best cake ever,” he finally managed to say.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Monday, 13 February, 2017

13:21

“You’re being quiet today,” Mahdi turned to the boy sitting next to him.
 
Magnus was slumped over on the table, lacking his usual buoyancy or enthusiasm. It had left a noticeable silence hanging over their lunch table.
 
“Valentine’s Day,” he mumbled despondently.
 
Isak frowned. “What about it?”
 
“This morning, Vilde brings up Valentine’s Day. Just casually, you know? Like, ‘oh hey, it’s tomorrow, don’t forget’.”
 
Jonas exchanged a glance with Isak and Even. “So?”
 
“So I kind of freaked out and told her I had heaps of stuff planned,” Magnus admitted. “The truth is…I don’t have any stuff planned. I’ve got zero ideas. None.”
 
“Man, fuck Valentine’s Day,” Jonas said dismissively. “It’s just a byproduct of the capitalistic agenda to sell-”
 
“-manufactured emotions to the masses,” Isak and Mahdi finished for him at the same time, smirking at each other. Even and Magnus sniggered.
 
“Fuck you guys,” Jonas retorted, laughing despite himself. “I’m right anyway, and you know it.”
 
“That might be true, but my girlfriend is still going to expect some big, elaborate gesture now,” Magnus put his head in his heads. “I’m so fucked, aren’t I?”
 
“Can’t you just get her flowers or some shit?” Isak asked. Girls liked flowers, right?
 
Magnus only shook his head. He leaned forward with a sigh. “Once again, Even, you’re my only hope.”
 
Isak wasn’t sure when his boyfriend had ended up becoming Magnus’ relationship guru. Even didn’t seem to mind. He finished eating, smiling as he leaned back and casually draped an arm over Isak’s shoulders.
 
“What about the rest of us?” Mahdi asked indignantly. “We can help you.”
 
“Uh huh,” Magnus narrowed his eyes. “Jonas doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day, you’ve never had a steady girlfriend, and Isak is just hopeless, so-”
 
“Hey!” Isak retorted angrily. The arm around his shoulders squeezed him for a second.
 
“He kind of has a point,” Mahdi admitted, as Jonas gave a nonchalant shrug.
 
Isak frowned. “Speak for yourselves….”
 
“No offence, Isak,” Magnus continued in his usual blunt manner, “but…’flowers or some shit’? Really?”
 
“What’s wrong with flowers or some shit?”
 
Magnus shook his head again sadly, leaving Isak perplexed. Since when did Magnus get to shake his head at him like that? This was a total role reversal. And to make matters worse, he had no idea what the problem was with his suggestion, to begin with.
 
“It’s okay, bro,” his friend conceded, face softening somewhat, “you’re good at lots of stuff. This just isn’t really your thing, I think.”
 
Isak knew he was probably better off admitting defeat…unfortunately, though, that had never been his style.
 
“Sure it is,” he argued, “I got together with heaps of girls, when I was single.”
 
He glanced at his boyfriend apologetically, but Even only grinned back at him. Even never seemed to get jealous, he realised. Not properly, at any rate. And if he did, he definitely knew how to hide it.
 
“Does that count, though?” Magnus asked curiously, tilting his head to one side as he thought about it.
 
“Depends,” Mahdi answered, without looking up from his food, “if you’re talking about romance and shit, then no, putting a fake pill on your tongue to get a girl to make out with you doesn't count.”
 
“What?” Even practically gaped at Isak, equal parts surprised and entertained.
 
“Yeah,” Isak decided to play it cool, grinning back at his boyfriend teasingly, “I have moves.”
 
“That one does work,” Mahdi conceded, “I’ve used it.”
 
Jonas chuckled. “That girl would have gone for it anyway.”
 
“How could you tell?”
 
“The body language, man,” Jonas said, as though it was obvious, “you can always tell.”
 
“Yeah, but how can you-”
 
“Seriously, though,” Magnus probably didn’t mean to speak over them, but his voice was so loud it cut through the other conversation, “Even, you need to help me.”
 
“I don’t know, man,” Even admitted with a shrug, “I don’t know Vilde that well. What sort of stuff is she normally into?”
 
“Russ parties. The school revue. Cats,” Magnus answered definitively. His eyes suddenly grew wide. “Should I get her a cat?”
 
There was a collective groan and outcries of ‘are you serious?’ from across the table.
 
“But cats are kind of our thing,” he protested.
 
“Okay, but do you really think Vilde is going like randomly having a cat to take care of?” Jonas pointed out. “With like, zero warning or anything?”
 
“Yeah, good point,” Magnus sighed in defeat. “Are you two doing anything tomorrow?”
 
He looked at Isak and Even, prompting them to look at each other. Isak felt a little uncomfortable, seeing as they hadn’t really discussed it. It wasn’t that he cared about something as stupid as Valentine’s Day. Definitely not. It was just that he’d never been in a relationship on Valentine’s Day before now…and that kind of felt like it should be a big deal. Or, well, something, at the very least.
 
“Uh…” he found himself mumbling.
 
Even didn’t seem as phased. “We can do something if you want to?”
 
Tomorrow was a Tuesday, which was nearly always the one night of the week that Isak and Even spent apart, thanks to Isak’s training. It had become an unspoken element of their relationship. Even mostly used Tuesday nights to catch up with his parents, while Isak dedicated them to desperately-needed study and homework time. This meant that if he wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with Even, he’d need to tell him. He couldn’t just invite Even over, and have the fact that it was Valentine’s Day seem like a coincidence, which is honestly what he would have preferred.
 
“I mean, I don’t really care,” Isak hoped this came across as nonchalant, “it’s up to you.”
 
Even’s eyes searched his face. When he smiled, they seemed to sparkle.
 
“We’ll do something,” he said.
 
“Okay,” Isak answered, feeling awkward that this was happening in front of his friends, “I mean, it’s whatever, you know.”
 
“Maybe I should get her a goldfish,” Magnus interrupted again, thinking out loud, “they’re easier to take care of than a cat, right?”
 
Jonas rolled his eyes. “I really don’t get why you’re making such a big deal out of this. It’s just a day, man.”
 
“I just don’t want to let her down,” Magnus confessed sadly. “She deserves…well, more than I could give her, anyway.”
 
Isak exchanged glances with his friends and boyfriend across the table. Perhaps none of them had realised how important it clearly was to Magnus, to do something nice for his girlfriend.
 
“Dude, don’t worry,” Isak tried to reassure him. He nudged his boyfriend in the side, “Even will come up with something.”
 
“She’ll like whatever you get her,” Jonas encouraged, “it’s the thought that counts, right?”
 
“Yeah,” Mahdi agreed, “and don’t forget, there’s always ‘flowers or some shit’.”
 
They all sniggered, but for once Isak decided not to protest. Magnus smiled at them gratefully.
 
Even stopped laughing as an idea appeared to have occurred to him. He beamed, leaning forward in his seat.
 
“Okay, I’ve got it,” he said, “Magnus, this is what you need to do…”
 
***

16:18

“Hey, boys,” Petter grinned broadly when he opened the door to his apartment. He hugged Even - reminding Isak again of how similar they were in height and frame - before hugging Isak as well.
 
“Smells good in here,” Even remarked. The entire apartment was overwhelmed with the scent of roasting meat and vegetables. Even’s parents had invited them both over for a belated birthday celebration, and it seemed they had gone all out.
 
“Everything’s almost done. Just needs a few last minute touches,” Petter clamped his son’s shoulder. “There’s beer in the kitchen. Why don’t you both come through?”
 
They followed him into the kitchen, where the smell of the food was even stronger. Even’s father handed Isak a beer, and he ignored the little voice (which sounded just like his own father, in his head) which mumbled something about ‘underage’ and ‘school night’.
 
“Where’s Lise?” Even asked, leaning against the counter.
 
Petter laughed. “Your mother’s on a warpath at the moment. She started cleaning out the study a few weeks ago, trying to convert it into a proper home office. It was supposed to be a little weekend side project, but it’s become her full-time obsession. I caught her downloading some interior design show the other night.”
 
“Wow, intense,” Even laughed back, “I think she mentioned something about that.”
 
“She seems to be enjoying it, anyway,” Petter took a sip of his beer. “How was the wedding?”
 
“Good,” Even cast a glance in Isak’s direction, smiling. “Great, actually.”
 
Isak smiled back at his boyfriend. “Even did a good job putting up with my relatives.”
 
“Oh really?”
 
“Yeah,” Isak grinned, “I think he totally won them over.”
 
Some of them, anyway.
 
“That’s Even for you,” Petter beamed with pride. “He’s good like that. Good with people, I mean.”
 
“Yeah, I know.”
 
“Do you mind not talking about me like I’m not here?” Even laughed, looking a little embarrassed.
 
Petter chuckled. “Do you want to help me finish this up?”
 
“Sure,” Even set the half-finished drink on the counter.
 
Isak hesitated. He liked hanging out with Even’s dad, but cooking wasn’t exactly his forte, and the tiny kitchen already felt a bit overcrowded.
 
“I might go and see if Lise needs any help,” he suggested.
 
“Oh, she’d love that,” Petter grinned. “Are you sure, though? You’re welcome to just hang out in the living room.”
 
“No, I don’t mind,” he said warmly. He’d feel awkward just sitting around while everyone else was working.
 
The offer to help his mother seemed to have delighted Even. His boyfriend circled an arm around his waist, kissing him on the cheek.
 
“I’ll see you in a bit,” he told him happily. Isak could see Petter smiling at them out of the corner of his eye.
 
The study in the Bech Næsheim’s apartment was considerably small, cluttered with crates and boxes full of old books, clothes, CD’s and god knows what else. It was clear that Even’s parents had been using it as a dumping ground for all their old junk for years; over time, the mess had built up into a seemingly insurmountable heap. Lise had clearly made some headway though, removing enough of the stuff that some patches of the dusty wooden floor underneath were finally visible. Isak found her crouched on the ground, in a pair of worn leggings and a faded band t-shirt, golden hair scraped back messily into a ponytail, as she sifted through what appeared to be a box of family albums.
 
“Hey, honey!” she stood up and wiped her hands on her thighs, fixing him with the glowing Bech family smile. She always seemed so genuinely happy to see him. “I didn’t know you guys were here yet.”
 
“We just arrived,” he answered, feeling shy when she hugged him. “Even’s helping Petter with the cooking. I’m not so great at that, so I thought I’d see if you needed a hand.”
 
Her smile broadened. “You’re lovely. I’ll be honest - I could really use some strong arms right now. There’s a box stacked up there which is too heavy for me to lift down. Do you think you could manage it?”
 
“Sure,” Isak followed her gaze to a stack of crates in the corner of the room, piled almost all the way to the ceiling, “just the top one?”
 
“That will do for now, thank you so much. There’s a stepladder just next to you,” she returned to the box she’d been searching through before. “How are you, anyway, sweetheart?”
 
“Really good,” he told her confidently, surprised by how much he meant it.
 
“And the rest of your family? Your mum? Dad? Sister?”
 
“They’re good too. Well, as good as they can be, anyway. My mum is already doing a lot better.”
 
Lise paused, regarding him with jubilation. “That’s wonderful. I’m glad to hear it.”
 
Isak climbed the stepladder and gripped the box on both sides. He was surprised by just how heavy it was, requiring most of his strength to bring it down.
 
“Is it too heavy?” Lise asked worriedly, watching him.
 
“No, it’s fine,” Isak grunted as he slowly backed down the ladder. He tried to act like it was no big deal. “Where do you want me to put it?”
 
“Just on the floor is perfect,” she answered hastily, “don’t hurt yourself.”
 
He was relieved when he was able to put it down straight away, sliding it across the ground slightly so it wasn’t blocking the entranceway.
 
“What’s in this one?” he couldn’t help asking. It was hard to make it out through the clear plastic crate. Some old textbooks, maybe?
 
“Actually, I have no idea,” Lise admitted. “I’ve been going through these box by box, trying to figure out what’s worth keeping and what we can throw away. There’s so much stuff I’ve completely forgotten about - books from when Petter and I were at university, old family photos, Even’s baby things. I even found my wedding dress. It’s been a total trip down memory lane.”
 
She stood up and moved next to him, detaching the lid from the crate. She picked up one or two of the books sitting on top and quickly flipped through the pages.
 
“Ah, makes sense now,” she said with a knowing smile. “These are some of Even’s old sketchbooks.”
 
“Just some?” Isak asked in bewilderment. The crate was practically brimming over.
 
“Oh yeah. I imagine there’ll be a few boxes of these buried in here somewhere. He always loved to draw. I remember back in middle school, I couldn’t buy these for him fast enough. We must have been single-handedly funding the Norwegian paper industry.”
 
Isak laughed, watching as she flipped through a few more pages. There was a tenderness and warmth in her expression as she poured over her son’s old drawings.
 
“I better let Even decide which of these he wants to keep,” she mused. “If it was up to me, I’d probably try and keep everything.”
 
She turned over to a new page and suddenly froze. The smile completely evaporated, and her eyes became wide and glassy, as she stared at something she clearly hadn’t expected to find.
 
“Lise?” Isak probed gently. He frowned in concern. Whatever it was she was looking at had evidently upset her.
 
Even’s mother blinked herself out of some painful memory. She snapped the sketchbook shut with a sad, strained laugh.
 
“Sorry, honey,” she said, “I got lost in the past again for a second. It tends to happen a lot, with this project.”
 
She dropped the sketchbook back on top of the crate, where it landed with a thud. Isak heard her take a deep, shuddering breath. It sounded almost…angry?
 
“Do you know what I think we should try and find next?” she said, tone suddenly overly bright and cheerful. “Some more pictures of Even from when Petter and I got married. Or maybe some of those home videos from when he used to put on plays for us. There’s a great one I remember from when he was little, where he dressed up like Clint Eastwood.”
 
“Sure,” Isak spluttered at the mental image. He tried to ignore how strange that moment had just been, and the curiosity that was burning within him. What had Lise seen inside that book?
 
A short time later, he found himself sitting next to her on the floor, sorting through a stack of old CDs, most of which had ended up in the rubbish pile. They spoke about school, Even’s surprise party and Camilla’s wedding, keeping the conversation light. Lise commented on some memories she associated with certain albums, from the early stages of her and Petter’s relationship. They laughed together at some of the dorky things Petter had done to try and impress her, back when they first met. It was almost as if the moment before had never happened, though Isak was having trouble forgetting it.
 
“Shit, it’s a work call,” Lise sighed when her phone started ringing, “I better take this.”
 
She answered it while still uncrossing her legs, pulling herself up from the floor. She grinned at him on her way out, leaving the door slightly open behind her. Isak heard her bedroom door open and close, muffling the sound of her voice. Further away, Even and Petter were talking and laughing together over the TV; they must have finished cooking for now.
 
Isak returned his attention to the CDs, picking up the closest one and flipping it over, trying to focus on the song list. His eyes periodically drifted to the black sketchbook, left crooked on top of the open crate. Even’s name and phone number, as well as the year ‘2013’, had been scribbled onto a label on the front. 2013…that was only four years ago. Even would have been sixteen, maybe fifteen? He tried to recall whether Even had ever told him about something that happened to him when he was that age…
 
He shook his head. This was stupid. It wasn’t any of his business, anyway. He should leave it alone. He studied the CD in his hand a bit longer, before realising he had no idea what to do with it in Lise’s absence. He should probably just wait for her, or go and join Even and his father in the meantime.
 
He stood up and made for the door, but stopped just in front of the sketchbook without even meaning to. It jutted out at him on its odd angle, practically begging to be picked up. Isak’s fingers itched at his sides. Down the corridor, he heard Even and Petter laugh again.
 
Fuck it. There was no way he was going to be able to let this go…no way he was going to be able to sleep tonight, unless he at least had a peek inside. He felt guilty the instant he picked the book up, but it wasn’t enough to stop him. He glanced nervously at the half-open door, making sure the coast was clear, before he quickly flipped it open.
 
The contents wasn’t too different to the drawings that Even often showed him from his current sketchbook. Mostly cartoons and comic strips, some with speech bubbles where Even had written funny observations he’d made about life at the time. A few still-life drawings. A number of pages where he’d just sketched human hands, at different angles, over and over again. A portrait of a girl’s face, that could well have been a much younger Sonja. A storyboard which looked like the outline for a short film, with some plot ideas scribbled into the margins. The quality of Even’s work had obviously gotten better over time, but there was nothing in there that struck Isak as being out of the ordinary. Nothing that he imagined would have triggered some kind of terrible emotional reaction.
 
He tilted the book closer to himself, and felt something loose slide down between two of the pages. He frowned, puzzled, flipping ahead to the spot he thought it might have come from. As he turned onto the exact page, the object slipped further down, a flash of glossy green. He caught it just before it fell off the edge, positioning it back in the middle of the page.
 
It was a photograph, perhaps long forgotten, jammed hastily into what appeared to be a random spot in the sketchbook. A younger version of Even stood in the middle of a park on what must have been a summer’s day, everything surrounding him green and golden, vibrant and beautiful. Evidently, the young Even wasn’t interested the photo, or whoever had been taking it. His eyes were fixed squarely on a boy standing next to him. A boy about the same age, with long brown hair, olive skin, and the deepest brown eyes.
 
Isak pursed his lips. Where had he seen that guy before? His face was so familiar. Not to mention the fact that he was undeniably handsome. In the photo, he was grinning back at Even with the same amount of admiration and affection - a candid moment of joy between them, frozen permanently in time forever. They each had a white headphone jammed into opposite ears, as they listened to the same song. Everything about the picture felt so intimate, so personal. As if the camera - and the viewer - were intruding on something that was never meant to be seen.
 
Was this what had made Lise so emotional? So angry? But…why? Who was this person, who must have once been so close to Even, and why wasn’t he around now? Why hadn’t Even ever brought him up? Why had this photo been stashed in the back of an old sketchbook, hidden away and forgotten about?
 
The bottom left-hand corner of the photo was missing, torn off in a messy white line. Isak ran a finger along the jagged edge, feeling where it had been ripped. Perhaps it had been roughly pulled down off Even’s wall, or out of a photo collage, in a fit of rage or sadness. There was only one conclusion Isak could deduce; one reason why he hadn’t been introduced to this guy…why Lise might have reacted the way she did. Whoever this person was, he wasn’t in Even’s life anymore, and things between them hadn’t ended well.
 
He heard footsteps in the corridor outside, and quickly slammed the sketchbook shut, placing it back where he found it. He picked up another one instead, pretending to skim through it.
 
“Hey,” the present-day Even leaned against the doorframe, grinning at him happily, “you ready for dinner?”
 
“Sure,” Isak answered as nonchalantly as possible. He hoped his boyfriend couldn’t sense his guilt. He shouldn’t have snooped through Even’s past like that, but…he had to know.
 
Even must not have noticed his discomfort. Blue eyes travelled down to the book in Isak’s hands, and he chuckled nervously.
 
“Has my mum found more embarrassing childhood memorabilia for you?”
 
“Just some old sketches,” Isak smiled, holding out the book to show him. “They’re good. But you’re much better now.”
 
“I’d hope so,” Even laughed. He held out a hand to him, face all bright, warm and inviting.
 
Isak dropped the book on top of the one from 2013, and took Even’s hand. Tried to forget about what he’d just seen, and focus on the now. On the fact that Even was looking at him the way he always did, with the deepest love and adoration.
 
His boyfriend pulled him close so that he could kiss him, his free hand tenderly stroking his cheek, before running through his hair.
 
“Hungry?” he asked when they broke apart.
 
Isak exhaled, feeling some of the tension leave his shoulders. He nodded.
 
***

22:43

Even lay on top of the sheets in his bunk bed, a distant look in his eyes as he gazed up at the ceiling. He was holding his phone in one hand, flipping it around and dropping it onto his stomach repeatedly in a rhythmic pattern, completely lost in thought. He gave Isak a little smile when he climbed the ladder and crawled over to lie next to him.
 
“Everything okay?” he asked, somewhat worriedly.
 
Even turned his head to look at him, but his eyes couldn’t focus for too long. They nervously darted towards the ceiling, down to the phone resting on his stomach, before back to Isak again. There was something bothering him, Isak realised. Something he wanted to bring up, but was afraid to.
 
“It’s cool, you can tell me,” Isak tried to reassure him. “Or not. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”
 
Even’s eyes brimmed with gratitude. He still seemed anxious, however, glancing around the room again. Isak waited silently, lying on his side, head resting on his arm.
 
“So…when we were at the wedding,” Even began slowly, “your aunt mentioned that she might be able to help me find a job.”
 
Isak didn’t know what he was expecting to hear, but this probably had to be the last thing on the list.
 
“Really?” was all he could think to say.
 
Even nodded. It was always so strange to see his boyfriend acting nervous and unsure of himself, Isak mused. He knew Even had insecurities, just like anybody else, but for the most part he managed to come across so confident and comfortable with himself. The closer they became, the more Even seemed willing to show him his vulnerabilities.
 
“I’m guessing it was my Aunt Anita?” Isak asked. He remembered Even offering to dance with her when she grumbled about never having someone to. How he’d found the two of them laughing together at the bar.
 
“Yeah, Anita,” Even laughed, “I mean…it wasn’t Therese, that’s for sure.”
 
Isak laughed with him. He was glad at least one of his relatives had treated Even well. He’d never been close with any of his aunts or uncles, but now that he thought about it, Anita was probably the most likeable of the bunch. Even must have really charmed her, which Isak supposed wasn’t all that surprising.
 
“Are you…” he paused, “…is a job something you might be interested in?”
 
Even’s eyes drifted back up. He started spinning the phone around in his hand again.
 
“Did you know that statistically, people with bipolar disorder struggle to find work, and to stay employed?” he told the ceiling. “When I was in hospital, most of the bipolar people I met had stories about getting fired, or not being able to hold down a job for long.”
 
Isak reached over and put a hand on top of his boyfriend’s, trapping it against his stomach so he couldn’t fiddle with the phone anymore. He stared at him until he would meet his gaze.
 
“The people in hospital…they were at the lowest point in their lives,” he said. “But that’s not you, anymore. You’re about to graduate, you’ve got heaps of friends and family around, you’re healthy…”
 
“Yeah, I know,” Even smiled at him, before his expression darkened, “but…that could change.”
 
Isak shifted closer in the bed, pressing himself against his boyfriend’s side.
 
“Even,” he said seriously, “do you want this job? Do you want to work?”
 
He was already fairly certain of the answer. Even wouldn’t have brought it up if it wasn’t something he was interested in pursuing. Isak knew he just needed to get him to a point where his confidence increased, so he could chase the opportunity without any fear or anxiety holding him back. When his boyfriend didn’t reply, Isak tickled his ribcage, making him squirm and laugh until he finally gave in.
 
“Okay, yes!” he exclaimed in between giggles. “Yes, I want it.”
 
Isak grinned triumphantly. He stopped his assault and wrapped his arm around Even’s waist instead, propped up just above him so he could look at him properly.
 
“Then I think you should go for it,” he said sincerely. “Don’t let anything hold you back. So what if something goes wrong, or it doesn’t work out? At least you will have tried. At least you won’t always wonder what could have been.”
 
Even stared up at him, a smile slowly breaking out across his face. He rested his hand on Isak’s back.
 
“Do you think your aunt really meant it?”
 
“What do you mean?” Isak was puzzled.
 
“Offering me help getting a job,” Even let out a nervous breath of laughter, “she wasn’t exactly sober at the time.”
 
“Oh,” Isak thought about it for a few seconds. “Yeah, she would have meant it. She likes you.”
 
That seemed to make Even happy. He grinned, “I liked her too.”
 
“What was the job offer?” Isak asked curiously. “Was it something at the hospital where she works?”
 
Even shook his head. “Kaffebrenneriet.”
 
“Kaffebrenneriet?” Images of cute barista Even immediately started filling Isak’s head.
 
“It’s not like a sure thing or anything,” Even added hastily, “she just said that she knows the manager, so she could recommend me. I’d probably still have to do an interview and stuff.”
 
“That shouldn’t be a problem,” Isak answered firmly, “you’ll breeze through an interview. That manager will love you.”
 
Even didn’t seem to believe this as much as Isak did. He laughed as though he thought Isak was joking.
 
“It’s true!” Isak protested. He pulled his boyfriend closer, hugging him. “You won over my family, didn’t you? Well, mostly. And trust me, those people are hard to impress, so…”
 
When Even still didn’t appear convinced, Isak took hold of the side of his face and kissed him, long and hard.
 
“You’ve got this,” he said, with as much sincerity as he could muster. He hesitated a moment, feeling embarrassed, before he added, “and no matter what happens, I’m still going to be proud of you. Always.”
 
He kissed him on the cheek, mostly so he could hide his face, and felt Even’s arms squeeze him tightly. They pulled him onto Even’s chest, making him emit a startled yelp, before he was kissed all over his face and on the lips.
 
“So should I text your dad and ask about it?” Even asked after a time, “she said I should go through him.”
 
“Yeah, absolutely,” Isak said, still lying on top of him. When he kissed Even again, his lips felt so soft and warm. “Do it now. Why wait?”
 
“It’s pretty late at night.”
 
“That’s fine, he won’t care,” Isak nuzzled the nape of his boyfriend’s neck. Kissed him there softly, before biting and licking.
 
“I’m not texting him now,” Even said.
 
“Why not?”
 
“Because I don’t want to text your dad about a job offer while you’re giving me a boner,” he laughed. “It’s awkward.”
 
Isak smirked into Even’s skin. Okay, maybe that was a bad idea.
 
“What if I take care of that first, and then you text him afterwards?” he suggested.
 
He lowered his hand down over Even, brushing over the top of his pants. He felt, more than heard, his boyfriend gasp.
 
“Seriously? My parents are home,” Even reminded him, though he seemed reluctant to do so.
 
“They’re asleep,” Isak whispered. Maybe he was feeling a little more comfortable around the Bech Næsheims than a few months ago…or maybe he was just horny and frustrated, and willing to take whatever chance they could get. Either way, he wasn’t going to dwell on it for too long.
 
He kept sucking at Even’s neck, pulling the sweatpants he was wearing down with one hand, and it didn’t seem like Even was going to protest any further. He got them down as far as his thighs, positioning himself between his legs
 
“Hands here,” he said teasingly, when Even tried to reach for him. He took one of his boyfriend’s wrists and pushed it gently back against the pillow. “I don’t want any distractions.”
 
Even laughed, seemingly willing to play along. “You can have anything you want.”
 
Less than an hour later, Even’s ‘problem’ successfully taken care of, and a carefully worded text sent to his dad, they pulled the blankets up around themselves, cuddled up in the single bed as they tried to fall asleep. Isak could feel Even’s breath on his neck as he spooned him from behind. It was normally the most comforting thing in the world to him, but he still couldn’t seem to get his mind to switch off. When he closed his eyes, he kept picturing the photo of the boy and younger Even together, as well as Lise’s face when she had seen it. Had he been a Bakka friend, perhaps? Come to think of it, Isak hadn't met anybody from Even’s old school, before - with the exception of Sonja, plus a couple of her friends. Was that weird? Was there a reason why?
 
He wished he could stop thinking about this. He wished he could just let it rest, but it was in his head, now. The past few months, they had both been so focused on Isak’s mother, and his family problems…it was only just occurring to him that Even rarely talked about life before Nissen. He’d told him stuff about his time in hospital, but what about before that? What about that rumour he’d heard from Vilde, about the school revue? What about that stuff to do with the Qur’an, that Sonja mentioned?
 
He pictured the handsome boy again, with the brown hair and brown eyes, grinning up at his boyfriend. He wondered if that boy ever used to stay over in this room…if he’d ever slept in this bed, with Even. The thought made Isak’s whole body tense with discomfort. He tried to forget about it immediately.
 
It was just as he was drifting off to sleep - just as his mind had started to go blank, and calm - that he finally remembered, and his eyes snapped open in the darkness. He knew where he’d seen that boy before. He knew who he was. He was sure of it.
 
***

Tuesday, 14 February, 2017

09:50

Isak arrived at his Physics class early, taking his usual back row seat. He pulled his laptop out of his bag and yanked it open. He was already fairly certain of what he knew, but now that Even wasn’t around, he had to make sure. He opened up Google and typed in Even’s full name; the link was still purple from the last time he’d clicked on it, some months ago. Most of the views on this video had to be courtesy of him, by now.
 
Normally, when Isak had watched this video in the past, his attention had been focused entirely on Even. For the first time, he tried to pay attention to the person behind the camera instead. Mikael. That was his name. He was a couple of years older in the video than he’d been in that photograph, but apart from a bit of facial hair, he still looked the same. Still handsome. Isak listened as he called Even his ‘best bud’, and they bantered back and forth about film. Towards the end of the video, he heard Mikael say something to Even that he’d barely noticed in the past.

I’m honest because I care for you.

The words stuck out in Isak’s brain, while the rest of the video played out. If Mikael cared so much, then where was he? What the hell had happened between the two of them? He scrolled back through the video and played the last part again.

I’m honest because I care for you.

Other students were starting to file into the classroom. Isak closed down his browser window and opened up his homework instead. He picked up his phone, scrolling up through mountains of texts in his and Even’s chat history, before he found what he was looking for.

Who is Mikael?

The previous man of my life.

He’d been so easily distracted by Even at the time, so infatuated by him and so desperate to ignore anything negative about their budding relationship, that he hadn’t paid this much credence. Even made jokes about pretty much everything…about Sonja’s aluminium leg, for instance. He’d just assumed this was something similar and rolled his eyes at it. But…what if there was something to it? What if Even was using humour to help mask an uncomfortable truth?
 
Isak knew he was being stupid. He and Even were together now, and Even loved him, so why did any of this matter, anyway? Besides, he’d asked Even over a month ago about previous sexual partners, and Even hadn’t mentioned Mikael. There was no reason for his boyfriend to lie about that, when he hadn’t lied about anything else to date. He’d had suspicions about Anders and Even before, and he’d been wrong. Most likely he was wrong about this too. Chances are he was reading too much into it, and Even and Mikael were just good friends. Maybe Mikael had moved away, and that’s why he wasn’t around anymore. Maybe the photo just got damaged. It might not be as intense or dramatic as Isak originally assumed.
 
But then, if that was true, what had been the deal with Lise?
 
The class had started, and Isak did his best to pay attention. He really needed to. Lately he was starting to fall behind in everything…even Biology, which was usually his best subject. He had to pick up his game. Stop worrying about stupid shit, and try and pull his grades up. He tried to listen to what the teacher was saying and take notes.

I’m honest because I care for you.

Who is Mikael?

The previous man of my life.

It was easier said than done.
 
***

17:04

Isak could hear excited talking and giggling the instant he walked into the Kollektiv. Lea and Eskild’s voices were amongst them, which always filled him with a sense of dread. He hoped to hell Eskild wasn’t giving his sister pointers on picking up boys again…he’d walked in on that far too many times already.
 
The giggling stopped as soon as he entered the kitchen, which was even more ominous. Lea was leaning against the sink, holding her phone in both hands, with Eskild and Noora on either side. Linn was sitting at the table nearby in her pyjamas, eating cereal out of a bowl, despite the fact that it was five in the afternoon.
 
“What’s going on?” Isak questioned, taking in their guilty faces.
 
He saw a knowing glance pass between Noora and Eskild. Lea’s cheeks had turned slightly pink.
 
“Isak,” Noora said carefully, with a pointed stare, “don’t freak out, okay?”
 
“Why would I freak out?”
 
“We’re trying to help Lea figure out who left a love letter in her locker today,” Eskild said brightly, putting his arm around Lea’s shoulders at the same time.
 
“It’s not a love letter!” she said hastily, turning from pink to red. “It’s a like letter.”
 
What the fuck? Who was this douche? Where did he get off hitting on his little sister?
 
“Isak,” Noora said warningly, probably reading the indignation in his face.
 
Isak did his best to remain calm. “What do you mean a like letter?”
 
Lea chewed on her lip nervously, before setting her phone down with a sigh. “It’s easier if I just show you.”
 
She thrust a crumpled up piece of paper into his hands. Someone had sketched a cartoonish picture of a mug with a smiley face on it, next to the English caption ‘I like you a latte’ and a little heart. It was kind of sweet, in a way…maybe…sort of…
 
“You don’t even drink coffee,” he muttered as he handed it back to her. There was no way he was going to support something like this, even with the adorable puns and cartoons.
 
“Well…maybe I’ll start,” Lea shot back defiantly.
 
“And you don’t know who gave it to you?”
 
“We think it might have been this cute boy in her English class,” Eskild said excitedly, patting Lea’s shoulder. “At least, we hope so, anyway.”
 
The three of them started giggling again. Isak glanced over at Linn, hoping for some support, but she only shrugged.
 
“Don’t worry, Lea, I’m sure we’ll find out,” said Noora encouragingly. “If anyone can solve these kinds of mysteries, it’s my friends. Trust me.”
 
“It’s true,” Eskild added, “those girls are pro internet stalkers. I’ve seen them in action.”
 
Lea was going over to Chris’ house tonight, along with Noora, Sana and Eva, for a girls’ group valentine’s day dinner. Isak had no idea what the hell a ‘girls’ group valentine’s day dinner’ involved, but he did think it was exceptionally nice that they’d offered to include his sister in it.
 
“Maybe you’ll get asked out on a date,” Eskild said to Lea, looking like he was ready to burst.
 
Isak couldn't take it anymore. He looked his little sister squarely in the eye. “You’re not old enough to be going on dates.”
 
Lea narrowed her eyes at him and crossed her arms. “Why do you always have to be such a stick in the mud, Isak?”
 
“I’m just looking out for you, that’s all.”
 
“I was Lea’s age when I had my first date,” Eskild said, entirely unhelpfully.
 
Noora was surprised. “I thought you said you were the only out person in your school?”
 
“I went out with a girl,” Eskild explained, “before I’d figured out I was gay. We made out in the back of the movie theatre. It wasn’t so bad…I remember that her mouth kind of tasted like toffee.”
 
Lea giggled at that, causing Isak to frown.
 
“Anyway, we better get a move on,” Noora said to Lea, “I told Chris I’d come over early to help her set up.”
 
“What are you doing tonight?” Lea asked her brother.
 
“I don’t know,” Isak shrugged, “Even’s coming over soon.”
 
Noora beamed at him. “Aw, are you doing something nice for Valentine’s Day?”
 
“No,” Isak replied immediately, blushing, “he’s just coming over.”
 
“But Even hardly ever comes over on Tuesdays,” Linn pointed out, without looking up from her cereal.
 
Isak didn’t really have a response for that. “Yeah, well…”
 
Lea and Eskild smirked devilishly.
 
“You looovvvee him,” his sister said teasingly.
 
“Shut up, Lea.”
 
“It’s true! You loooveee him and you want to spend Valentine’s Day with him.”
 
“Lea, seriously,” Isak scowled. Why did younger siblings have to be so annoying?
 
“You’re going to marry him and have babies together. And I’m going to be a bridesmaid.”
 
“Oh my god,” Isak rolled his eyes, as his housemates laughed, “don’t you have somewhere to be?”
 
“Okay, okay,” Noora shook her head, “come on, Lea. We should go so the lovebirds can be alone.”
 
“It’s not for Valentine’s Day,” Isak tried to argue, as they prepared to leave. He shouldn’t have been surprised that he was ignored.
 
As soon as they were gone, Eskild pulled out his phone and started typing out a text.
 
“What are you doing?” Isak asked suspiciously.
 
“Lea’s gone out,” his housemate replied without looking up, “I’m inviting a boy over.”
 
“Now?” Isak tried not to be irritated.
 
“Yeah, of course. I need to take advantage when I can, don’t I?”
 
This honestly wasn’t the evening Isak had been anticipating, what with Linn munching on cereal and Eskild’s random fling hanging around the apartment. The joys of having housemates, he supposed. They were entitled to do what they wanted in their own home, of course, but in that moment, he couldn’t help wishing he lived alone.
 
“It’s a Tuesday night,” he mumbled, rather pathetically.
 
“So?” Eskild glanced up from his phone with a sigh. “Don’t worry, Isak, me having sex won’t get in the way of your romantic night with Even.”
 
“It’s not…” Isak trailed away when he realised he couldn’t be bothered anymore. “Fine, whatever. Just try and keep the noise down, okay?”
 
Eskild grinned. “I promise, you won’t even know we’re here.”
 
Somehow, Isak doubted that. Nevertheless, he left them alone and went to his bedroom, hoping to knock over at least some of his mounting schoolwork before Even showed up. His boyfriend arrived before Eskild’s random did, thankfully. When Isak answered the door, it was to beautiful blue eyes and a handsome face smiling at him…as well as the overwhelming smell of McDonalds.
 
“Uh, hey,” he stood back to allow Even inside, hoping his surprise wasn’t too obvious.
 
“Hey,” Even kissed him quickly on the lips, then held up a bag of takeaway food proudly, “I brought dinner.”
 
“McDonalds?”
 
“Yeah. Dinner and a movie,” Even grinned, reaching into his jacket pocket and retrieving a USB stick with his spare hand. “Well, three movies. I thought you could pick. They’re all found-footage horror, because I know how much you love those.”
 
Isak snorted. He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, but it certainly wasn’t this. This was what Even had come up with for them to do on Valentine’s Day? His Baz Luhrmann-obsessed, acoustic guitar-playing, Spanish-speaking, love-note-in-locker-leaving boyfriend? The guy who assigned meaning or significance to pretty much everything? Who his friends turned to for advice on delivering big romantic gestures?
 
“Is that cool?” Even asked.
 
Isak smiled at him. It was more than cool, he realised. It was them.
 
“What’s with you and trying to make me watch horror movies now, anyway?” he asked, as he led the way to his bedroom.
 
“I thought it was obvious,” his boyfriend replied seriously. “When you watch them, you get all handsy and touchy and it’s fucking awesome.”
 
Isak blushed, remembering the last time they’d watched a scary movie together in bed. It was probably a good thing Lea had gone out. They ended up lying in the middle of the unmade bed together, sharing the McDonalds, Isak using Even’s stomach as a pillow.
 
“So your dad passed on my phone number to your aunt,” Even passed him his phone, after they’d eaten most of the food. “Look what she texted me this afternoon.”
 
The message from his Aunt Anita was probably about what he’d expect. Unnecessarily capitalised words, numerous typos, and an extreme overuse of emojis that made no sense, but the overall context of it was still clear. She’d spoken to the KB manager and passed on Even’s details, and he was going to call Even soon to arrange an interview. Also, she had added, she had a great time meeting him on the weekend.
 
“Jesus,” Isak laughed, “you’d think she just discovered the emoji keyboard on her phone.”
 
“She probably did,” Even laughed back, as Isak handed the phone back to him. “But…I might get a job interview, soon.”
 
“Awesome,” Isak beamed up at him. He was so proud of him. Truly. “You’ll get it, for sure.”
 
“Thank you,” Even ran a hand through Isak’s hair. “If it wasn’t for you, I probably would have ended up talking myself out of it.”
 
“I didn’t really do anything.”
 
“Are you kidding?” Even said in disbelief. “You did everything.”
 
The fingers in his hair pulled lightly on a few strands, and Isak grinned.
 
“So when you get the job, am I going to get free coffee?”
 
“Maybe,” Even answered, “I’ll do special coffee art for you.”
 
“Like little hearts?”
 
“If you want. And I’ll learn how to do other stuff you like, too.”
 
“A soccer ball?” Isak suggested.
 
“Okay,” Even smiled at him, “and maybe a joint?”
 
“An Xbox controller?”
 
“Some Tuborg?”
 
“Snapbacks?”
 
“Definitely. What else?” Even smirked as an idea occurred to him. “A picture of my dick?”
 
Isak spluttered. “No.”
 
“Why not?”
 
“Because I don’t want to open my coffee up and see a picture of a small dick staring back at me,” Isak pointed out.
 
Even was crestfallen. “A small dick?”
 
“Seriously?” Isak deadpanned, narrowing his eyes. “You’re that mature? I thought you were supposed to be older than me.”
 
Even’s expression didn’t change.
 
“I meant a small picture of a dick,” Isak sighed. “Like, the picture will be small. Not…you know…”
 
Still nothing. The hand stroking his hair before had stopped.
 
“Do you really care that much?” Isak asked incredulously.
 
Even stared back at him solemnly.
 
“Okay, fuck,” Isak cried in exasperation, “you have a big dick, Even. A big, huge dick. Are you happy now?”
 
His boyfriend was only able to keep a straight face for a few more seconds. His whole body shook when he started laughing, forcing Isak to lift his head off his stomach.
 
“You’re such an asshole!” he shouted, though he was laughing too. It was kind of funny.
 
The sound of muffled voices outside interrupted them. Isak could hear Eskild, as well as the low voice of a guy he didn’t recognise.
 
“Eskild invited someone over, since Lea went out,” he explained, to his boyfriend’s questioning stare. He lay back down beside him, resting his head on his shoulder this time. The spot he liked the best. For some reason, he always got the best sleep when he passed out in this position.
 
Even brushed some of his hair out of the way, before arms circled around him, fingers now strumming a comforting, rhythmic pattern on his back. “Has Eskild ever had a serious boyfriend?”
 
“I don’t know about serious,” Isak thought for a moment. “Definitely not since I’ve been living here, at least. I don’t think he wants one.”
 
“Not everyone does,” Even shrugged. “What about Noora and Linn?”
 
“Linn? Definitely not,” Isak sniggered. “With Noora, I don’t know. She says she’s still with that William guy - the one she moved to London for - but that they’re just taking a break. It’s weird, though. I never hear her talking to him on the phone, or anything. And these days, she’s gets a bit strange and quiet, if he’s brought up.”
 
“I get that,” Even nodded sadly. “Sometimes it can be hard to talk about these things…even if you might want to.”
 
For some reason, Isak found himself thinking about Mikael again. About that torn photograph, the video, and Even’s text message. The previous man of my life. He pushed this aside almost immediately. He’d told himself he wasn’t going to dwell on this, tonight. He’d find the right time to bring it up.
 
The phone in Even’s pocket started vibrating, between them. Even shuffled around a bit so he could pick it up. Both his eyebrows went up when he read the message.
 
“Yes!” he grinned, holding the phone in front of Isak, “he did it.”
 
He’d been sent a picture from Magnus. It showed his friend’s bed covered entirely with rose petals, a stuffed toy cat with a rose in its mouth placed in the very centre.
 
“Wow,” Isak’s eyes widened. Admittedly, he was pretty impressed with the effort. “Vilde is going to freak out.”
 
Even was looking pretty pleased with himself. He tossed the phone onto the bed over Isak’s other side, away from him, returning both arms to holding Isak in a tight embrace.
 
“Are you sad I didn’t do anything like that for you?” he asked. It was hard to tell whether it was a joke or not.
 
“No,” Isak replied honestly, “who needs cheesy shit like that when you have McDonalds and a USB drive? And the promise of dick coffee art?”
 
Even laughed, kissing him, just as the entire apartment started to vibrate Elton John’s voice singing ‘The Circle of Life’.
 
“Jesus Christ,” Isak groaned.
 
“What?”
 
“This is Eskild’s sex music,” he explained. “He always puts it on to cover up the sounds…but we all know what it means by now. And that’s just as gross.”
 
“The Lion King soundtrack?” Even spluttered. “That’s fucking weird.”
 
“He’s a weird guy,” Isak sighed heavily. “Fuck, I really should get my own place.”
 
Even studied his face carefully. “Yeah?”
 
Isak loved the Kollektiv. He really, really did. Being a part of it had changed his life. And if it wasn’t for Eskild, he honestly didn’t know what the fuck would have happened to him, all those months ago. But maybe it was time to start thinking about other options. They couldn’t all go on living together in this small apartment forever.
 
“It’s kind of overcrowded, here,” he said. “Maybe after Mum gets out of hospital, and Lea moves back home, I’ll start thinking about it. I mean, Noora can’t keep sleeping in Linn’s room or on the floor for the rest of the year. That’s not really fair.”
 
“You don’t think you’d move back in with either of your parents?” Even asked.
 
Isak considered this carefully. “Probably not. I mean, things are better with them now, but still…I don’t know. Once you move out, the thought of having to go back and losing that independence is kind of depressing.”
 
Even nodded in understanding.
 
“I doubt I can afford to live alone in Oslo,” Isak continued, “but there might be a super cheap, shitty apartment somewhere. Who knows?”
 
Even stroked up and down his back soothingly. “There’s plenty of time to figure something out.”
 
Isak smiled tenderly, as ‘Circle of Life’ started playing on a repeat cycle. “Want to put on a movie? And turn it up really, really loud?”
 
“Absolutely,” his boyfriend grinned, leaning in to kiss him. “Happy Valentine’s Day, anyway.”
 
The weirdest Valentine’s Day ever, probably. But as long as he was with Even, it was still the best.
 
Isak kissed him back. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”
 
***

Wednesday, 15 February, 2017

16:42

“Hello? Isak?” the hospital receptionist called out from her desk. 
 
Isak stopped on his way to the door. It was rare that she’d interrupt him after one of his visits with his mother. Normally, they just smiled and nodded to each other politely, which Isak had always appreciated about her. He was rarely in the mood for making small talk when he came to the hospital.
 
“Is something wrong?” he asked her worriedly.
 
The middle aged woman smiled kindly. “No, no need to worry. I just thought, seeing as you’re here, you might be able to take these forms to your father. As your mother’s next of kin, he needs to sign.”
 
She pushed a few pieces of paper across her desk. Even though they were separated, Terje had still been listed as Marianne’s next of kin on all her medical history, and nobody had thought to change it.
 
“What are they?” Isak scanned over the documents quickly.
 
“Just a standard privacy and confidentiality agreement for our patients,” the receptionist explained. “The legal department updated our policy recently, so we need a new copy for everybody admitted here.”
 
Isak grimaced. He already knew this was going to be a headache. Terje was going to want to read every ounce of fine print, and would probably call the hospital with a dozen questions, before he’d consent to signing anything. Isak used to think that his father didn’t care. Lately, however, he was beginning to wonder if he cared too much.
 
“We tried emailing them to his office,” the receptionist continued, “we haven’t heard back yet.”
 
“He’s probably just busy,” Isak forced a smile. “We went away for a family function, so he must have a lot of emails to catch up on.”
 
The receptionist nodded understandingly. “It’s no trouble. But if you could get him to send them back to us as soon as possible, it would be a great help.”
 
“I’m on it,” he told her resolutely.
 
He stopped off on the way home and picked up some fishcakes to heat up for him and Lea for dinner. Not the most exciting or nutritious meal ever, but it would do. It had been an exhausting, and emotionally draining, afternoon. His mother was gradually becoming more cognitive…perhaps more so than she had been in a long, long time. Isak had shown her a few photos from the wedding, which had mostly gone well. At least, until she had seen one of Isak and Lea with their arms around each other, and it sent her into another downward spiral. She was a terrible mother, she told him, in between tears. She didn’t deserve to have children. Lea would never forgive her. Isak should stop coming to visit. She wasn’t worth his time. Isak had tried his best to convince her that none of this was true, but it was hard to tell whether he’d managed to get through. In many ways, though, he did understand. He knew exactly what it felt like to live with guilt and shame. If only he could make her see that she wasn’t so alone.
 
He didn’t want to bring Lea to see Marianne before she was ready, but he was beginning to suspect that she might never be. He hoped that seeing Lea - seeing how little she blamed her for what had happened, and how much she still loved her - would fix things. Perhaps he would broach the subject with her again, when he saw her later in the week.
 
The apartment was strangely empty, when Isak walked in. He knew that Eskild was working a late shift, but he had no idea where any of the others were. When he heard giggling coming from Linn’s room, he rolled his eyes. He hoped they weren’t still talking about that ‘like letter’ again.
 
He was halfway through heating up the fishcakes when Noora came into the kitchen.
 
“Hey, Isak,” she said after a deep breath. She cast him a furtive glance as she reached for a clean glass and filled it from the tap.
 
“Hey,” Isak gave her a quick smile, “if you’re heading back to Linn’s room, do you mind telling Lea that her dinner is almost ready?”
 
“Oh. Yeah, sure,” Noora nodded to herself, fiddling with the glass in her hands. She leaned against the counter, standing closer to him than she normally did, making no effort to go anywhere. “But, um, before I do…is it okay to talk to you about something, real quick?”
 
“Uh, okay?” Isak frowned in confusion. She was acting super weird.
 
His housemate took a sip of water, before setting her glass on the counter.
 
“This is a bit awkward,” she lowered her voice, glancing quickly at the entranceway, “but I was wondering if you know whether Lea has had…you know…the talk?”
 
Isak felt the colour drain from his face. No, he actually didn't know anything about that, and he was damn happy keeping things that way.
 
“It’s just that she’s started talking to this boy from her school,” Noora continued, “the one who gave her the Valentine.”
 
“What do you mean?” Isak could feel the anger rising up. If this jerk was saying anything gross to his baby sister, he’d destroy him.
 
“It’s fine. From what she’s told me about him, and the few messages from him that she showed me today, he seems very nice,” Noora said calmly. “And I’m not saying anything is going to happen between them. But I think we should be realistic about this. If she’s going to start talking to boys and going on dates, it’s really important that she understands things like how to have safe sex, and what consent means.”
 
Isak didn’t want to believe it, but he had to admit that she was right. The more he thought about it, the more it seemed unlikely that his sister would have heard ‘the talk’ before. Neither of his parents would have done it, that was for certain. Lea’s sex education to date had probably come from a mixture of school, television and the internet.
 
“She’s just a kid,” he argued feebly. He might have been able to see Noora’s point, but that didn’t mean he had to like it.
 
“Not as much as you might think, Isak,” she gave him a sad smile. “She’ll be fifteen in a couple of months. That’s…that’s actually almost two years older than I was, the first time.”
 
“Really?” Isak said gently. He didn’t know that about her, before.
 
Noora shook her head, as if she was trying to shake off the past. “Let’s not worry about. I’m telling you because I want you to see how serious this is. I wish someone had talked to me back then - explained all the things that I know now - so I could have made better choices. I have a lot of regrets about it. I know it’s hard, but…would you consider having a chat with her?” 
 
Isak studied the ground, letting the weight of Noora’s words set in. He was reminded of what he’d initially thought, when he saw his sister for the first time in six months. He had to face facts; little Lea was not so little anymore. If he cared about her, which of course he did, than this was the best thing he could do for her. Still, the thought of discussing sex with his little sister made his skin crawl.
 
“You should do it,” he told Noora firmly, after a brief silence. “You’d do a much better job of it than me. And Lea looks up to you a lot, I can tell.”
 
Noora smiled. “If you really want me to talk to her, then I will. But honestly, I think it would be better coming from you. You’re her family. And I know she teases you all the time, but believe it or not, she looks up to you a lot, too.”
 
She placed a hand on his shoulder, looking directly into his eyes.
 
“Okay,” he heaved a sigh, “I’ll do it.”
 
“Great!” Noora’s smile broadened. “That’s wonderful. You’re doing the right thing.”
 
“God, I hope so,” he laughed nervously.
 
“Just make sure you give her some condoms, too. That’s really important.”
 
Isak turned bright red. “Fucking hell, Noora!”
 
“No, really! A lot of kids are too embarrassed to go and buy them, so they just end up not using them, and it’s a huge problem.”
 
Isak sighed again. “Okay, then. Fine. I’ll get her some condoms.”
 
Just saying that out loud made him shudder.
 
“You’re a good big brother, Isak,” Noora collected her glass of water. “I’ll go and tell Lea her dinner is ready.”
 
***

20:24

“What did you want to talk to me about?” Lea asked innocently, sitting on the edge of her brother’s bed.
 
Isak stared at the wall. God, he hated this already. He was going to hate every single awful, painful second of it.
 
“You know, I’ve kind of got homework to do,” he heard Lea sigh, when he didn’t answer.
 
He cringed. Here goes nothing…
 
“That boy who gave you the like letter,” he said slowly, “you, uh, like him too?”
 
When he glanced over at his sister, she was tense and blushing furiously.
 
“I don’t know,” she mumbled, “maybe.”
 
Isak nodded, returning his attention to the wall.
 
“Do you think he might ask you out?”
 
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lea fiddling with her hands in her lap.
 
“I don’t know,” she repeated. “Why are we talking about this?”
 
Isak took a deep breath. “Look, this is going to be as awkward for me as it is for you, but-”
 
“Oh my god,” Lea cut him off, horrified, when she realised what was going on.
 
“Okay, I just want to make sure you know, that if he asks you to do anything you’re not ready for-”
 
“Please stop,” his sister hid her face in her hands.
 
“Lea, this is serious!” Isak exclaimed in frustration. “I don’t like it either, okay? But Mum and Dad sure as hell aren’t going to talk about this stuff with you, so you’re stuck with me.”
 
“Isak,” Lea surveyed him through the cracks in her fingers, speaking in a small voice, “I told you already. I know what sex is, okay? I get it.”
 
“It’s not about that,” Isak rolled his eyes. “Well, it’s not about what sex is, exactly. It’s about the stuff that happens around it. Like…feelings, and shit.”
 
He waited until she lowered her hands back down, before he tried again.
 
“The first time is like…well, it’s like everything, really,” he told her, blushing. “And it’s not just the physical side of it. It can change who you are, as a person. It can make you see the world differently. It can make you see yourself differently. And that’s big, you know?”
 
He looked at her, and he could see that she was listening to him carefully. He honestly wasn’t sure if he was doing a decent job of explaining anything, but he hoped at least some of it was getting across.
 
“I’m not saying any of this to freak you out, okay? At the end of the day, it’s always going to be up to you when you want to do it, and who with. Like, that’s entirely your business. But I want you to understand that it’s a really big decision. And…you should make sure that it happens at the right time for you, and with the right person. Never because some horny guy makes you feel like you owe him something.”
 
His sister kept her eyes on her lap. She took one of the hair elastics from around her wrist and started playing with it.
 
“Does any of this make sense?” he asked her hesitantly.
 
Lea nodded, biting her lip.
 
“I’ve only just started talking to Christian,” she said quietly. “I don’t know, if, like…”
 
“That’s fine,” Isak said quickly. “This talk isn’t about him. It’s about making sure that you know you get to make the right choices for you, when it comes to having sex. That you can be confident trusting your instincts. If you’re with someone, and something doesn’t feel right about it, or if you’re unsure, you should always be able to tell them no. And if they don’t listen to you, or try to pressure you into it anyway, get out of there as soon as possible. Call me and Even, or Noora, or Eskild. We’ll come and pick you up straight away, no questions asked.”
 
Lea’s eyes met his for a split second. Now that this was happening, he couldn’t believe he’d been reluctant to breach these subjects with her, just because it was awkward. They were necessary. When he was in the closet, he’d been in plenty of sexual situations where he’d felt deeply uncomfortable. The thought of his sister having to go through something like that - or worse - was too painful to even consider.
 
“Lea,” he placed a hand gently on her shoulder, “it’s really important that you understand this, okay? I know I’ve been, like, overprotective. But if you’re ever in a situation where you need help, call me. Just like you did when you were worried about Mum. Anytime, day or night, I don’t care. It doesn’t matter what the reason. I promise I’ll never get angry, or judge you.”
 
She studied his face carefully then, and he hoped she could tell just how much he meant what he’d said. Finally, she broke out into a tiny smile.
 
“I understand.”
 
“Good,” Isak was overcome with relief. He took his hand back off her shoulder, coughing into it. “Do you, uh, have any questions about this sort of thing?”
 
Lea chewed on her lip again, deep in thought.
 
“Was your first time with Even?”
 
Why did she have to ask that, of all things? He guessed there was no point lying to her.
 
“Yeah,” he said, turning red, “it was.”
 
“And how did you know that was the right time, and the right person?”
 
It was actually a pretty good question. How did he know?
 
“Honestly? It’s kind of hard to describe,” he admitted. “I guess it just…felt right. I’m sorry if that’s not the best answer. But I think when it’s right, you’ll just know.”
 
Lea seemed puzzled by this, but it must have been enough to satisfy her for now. She nodded.
 
“If you don’t have any other questions, there’s just one more thing,” Isak said, bracing himself.
 
He reached over to the other side of the bed, picking up the box of condoms he’d purchased earlier from 7-Eleven, still wrapped inside a paper bag. He’d gone out especially to buy them. There were some in his bedroom already, but the thought of giving Lea condoms meant for him and Even was just too gross and unsettling for words.
 
“Take these,” he almost threw them in her direction, barely able to look at her.
 
Lea’s brows furrowed curiously. The paper back crunched as she peered inside, her eyes widening immediately.
 
“Isak!” she screeched. “Ew! Ew, ew, ew!”
 
“I know it’s gross, okay? But it’s better that you have them than not at all.”
 
“Urgh,” she hid her face again, the box still sitting in her lap.
 
“Just in case,” he assured her. “And if you’re ever with a guy and he tells you he doesn’t want to use one, tell him to get lost. Because you don’t want to end up having to deal with the consequences later.”
 
His sister inhaled and exhaled deeply. “Okay.”
 
“I think that’s probably enough humiliation for one day,” Isak sighed.
 
“Can I go and finish my homework now?”
 
“Yeah. Sure.”
 
She picked up the box and walked towards his bedroom door. Before she made it there, she stopped suddenly, turning back around to face him.
 
“Isak?”
 
“Yeah?” he asked, still sitting on the bed.
 
She gave him a tiny, lopsided smile. “Thank you.”
 
***

Thursday, 16 February, 2017

18:31

The night air was more bitingly cold than usual, a strong wind setting in, as Isak made his way towards his father’s apartment. Even after all this time, it was still odd to think of Terje living somewhere else. He couldn’t bring himself to call it his father’s home. That apartment was far too sterile and bland to be considered anybody’s home.
 
He was in a fairly good mood. The talk with Lea yesterday had gone better than expected, and he was surprised to find that he actually felt closer to her as a result. His relationship with Even was more than perfect. Everything seemed to be good with his friends. Even things with his parents were going well, all things considered. In a way, it was kind of strange; he wasn’t used to having so little conflict and drama in his life. It was almost too good to be true.
 
On top of that, he’d had a fairly productive afternoon. He had hung back after school to get some uninterrupted study in, and although he was still behind, he was feeling far less stressed as a result. On his way home, he figured he may as well stop at his father’s place and drop off the forms from the hospital, before he forgot about them. He’d texted Terje to let him know, but he hadn't gotten a reply yet. No matter. His father didn’t exactly have an active social life; unless he’d been held back late at work, he was likely going to be at home. And if not, his office was only a short walk away.
 
He tried calling again as he got closer to the apartment block, listening to Terje’s monotonous voicemail message yet again. Isak was beginning to think that maybe he was still stuck at work, after all. He was about to turn around and head for his workplace instead, when the apartment block door was swung open by a distracted businessman in a flashy suit, snapping irritably at somebody he was on the phone with. Isak decided to slide through the door behind him. Perhaps he could just stick the forms underneath Terje’s door, and explain it to him later.
 
Soft jazz music echoed from behind the front door, when he approached it. Confused, Isak checked double checked the number. Yes, this was his father’s apartment, he was sure of it. If Terje was at home, then why wasn’t he answering his phone? Strange for him. Normally, Isak was the one trying to get his father to leave him alone. Maybe he’d lost his phone somewhere? Again, though, it was unlikely. Terje was so meticulous; Isak doubted he’d ever lost anything in his life.
 
He knocked on the door, hearing a rustling and some footsteps inside. The music grew louder when the door swung open, and Isak nearly fell backwards.
 
“Sorry Mathias, is the music too loud again?” a soft voice said, before it was cut off abruptly.
 
Instead of his father’s stoic face and grey eyes, Isak saw a woman staring back at him. Her long dark hair was styled elegantly over one shoulder, her brown eyes widened in shock, as they both became frozen in place.
 
“…Isak?” she probed gently, once she had recovered somewhat.
 
Isak had seen her twice before this now, but he’d never spoken to her before. Her voice was deeper than he would have expected, but lacking the confidence that should have matched her beauty. She sounded hesitant and deeply anxious.
 
His mouth had fallen open, but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He stood with the forms still outstretched in his hands, feeling like an idiot.
 
The woman tried to smile, her lips trembling slightly. “I…I’m not sure if you know me. I’m Sigrid. I work with your father.”
 
The words were faint and far away, to Isak’s ears. He barely registered them at all.
 
“Mathias, is that you?” Terje called out from somewhere in the apartment.
 
The woman opened her mouth, eyes still locked on Isak, as though she was about to yell something back. Before she could manage it, however, Terje appeared in the entranceway. Like she and Isak had done, he immediately froze.
 
“Isak?” his father posed his name as a question, but his tone was alert with fear.
 
The woman glanced furtively between father and son, at a loss for what to do. Terje was still staring at him, struggling to find his words, hands hanging limply at his sides.
 
All of a sudden, Isak broke out of his stupor, as a flood of feelings overcame him. For the first time in what seemed like a long while, there was rage boiling in his blood. It made his jaw clench, his hands shake, as they clutched at the paper. His father must think that he was fucking stupid. Not to mention Lea. And Marianne. Marianne…Isak pictured his mother’s face, and at once, it was almost too much.
 
Terje hesitantly approached the doorframe. He placed a hand on the woman’s arm, exchanging a look with her, as though he was trying to convince her that everything was okay. She glanced at Isak worriedly, before retreating back into the apartment.
 
Terje cleared his throat, trying again. “Isak…I-”
 
Before he could finish, Isak thrust the documents into his father’s hands.
 
“The hospital needs you to sign these,” he said curtly. “For Mum.”
 
Terje was clearly flustered, as the brute force of Isak’s movements left the papers crumpled against his chest.
 
Without waiting to hear a reply, he turned and strode towards the elevator, hands still clenched into fists.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Sunday, 19 February, 2017

19:07

Even gazed solemnly up at the ‘interview panel’ in front of him, trying his best to take this as seriously as possible. Eskild and Linn were doing him a huge favour, after all. It was the least he could do. But the fact that Linn was slumped on the couch with her arms wrapped around her legs, while Eskild sat next to her attempting to look intimidating, was making it exceedingly hard to keep a straight face.
 
“So, Mr. Bech Naesheim,” Eskild said ponderously, pretending to study some papers in front of him. Where he’d gotten them from, or what was actually written on them, was a total mystery. “why don’t you tell me about yourself?”
 
The tone of voice his friend had used was actually pretty believable. Even could picture Eskild interviewing potential employees for real someday, glaring at them the way he was now, perhaps leaning over a desk whilst wearing an expensive suit and tie. Testing the interviewees to see whether they’d crack under the pressure. He’d probably make a great boss. Strict, but fair. Knowing exactly when to be fun, and when to be serious.
 
Eskild cleared his throat dramatically, and Even realised he’d been sitting there silently for far too long.
 
“Well, I’m a third year student at Hartvig Nissen,” he began, feeling incredibly awkward, “uh…I’m interested in film. I like to draw, and play guitar. I like cooking…uh…”
 
Eskild sucked in his breath, swapping a glance with Linn.
 
“Yeah, maybe don’t say all of that,” he said, sounding more like his usual self again once he’d broken character. “When managers ask that question, they don’t really care, to be honest. They’re just looking for signs that you’re going to be a good fit for the job.”
 
“Okay?” Even didn’t really get it. He leaned back on his hands, trying to make himself more comfortable. Eskild had suggested he sit on the floor, since most interviewers would probably adjust his seat lower ahead of time as an intimidation tactic. This was starting to sound a lot more stressful than he’d originally thought it would be.
 
Eskild glanced at Linn for confirmation, and she nodded her agreement.
 
“The first bit was fine,” she told him with her usual brutal honesty, “but then you kind of started to ramble.”
 
“What should I say instead, then?”
 
“Say that you’re a creative thinker, who is passionate about a career in the hospitality industry,” Eskild answered with absolute confidence.
 
Even frowned. “But I’m not passionate about a career in the hospitality industry.”
 
Eskild narrowed his eyes at him, the same way he did to Isak whenever he forgot to do the dishes. “You want this job, don’t you?”
 
“Yeah,” Even admitted.
 
“Then you’re passionate about a career in the hospitality industry.”
 
That actually made sense, Even realised, when it was put to him that way. He’d been feeling pretty elated since he got the call for the job interview on Friday; now that it was tomorrow, however, he was becoming aware of the fact that he was desperately underprepared. He should probably take all of Eskild and Linn’s advice. They were both employed, so they obviously knew what they were doing.
 
“Okay,” he said, “I am a third year student at Hartvig Nissen. I am a creative thinker, who is passionate about a career in the hospitality industry.”
 
He glanced over to the other couch, where Isak was playing a game on his phone while he listened in. His boyfriend was grinning, amusement painted plainly on his face.
 
“Much better,” Eskild brightened. He turned back towards Linn. “Next question?”
 
Linn stared off into a distant corner of the room, her brows furrowed in concentration.
 
“Oh, I hate getting asked this one,” she said after a pause. “What are your greatest strengths and weaknesses?”
 
It was a pretty shit question.
 
“Okay, greatest strengths…” Even thought long and hard. The other day, his dad and Isak both said that he was good with people. “Interpersonal skills?”
 
“Yes, Even!” Eskild beamed like a proud teacher. “What else? You should list about three.”
 
“Three?” Even gaped in disbelief. He could barely think of one.
 
“Tell them that you’re punctual,” Linn suggested. “I said that in a job interview once, and I’m pretty sure that’s what won them over.”
 
Even laughed. Of all the people he knew, Linn was probably the least punctual.
 
“That’s good advice,” said Eskild sincerely, “tell them that you’re never late.”
 
“What if I say that, and then end up running late for a shift?” Even pointed out.
 
“They won’t remember,” Eskild tutted. “I said all sorts of shit in my last job interview. Then I worked really hard for the first few months, and now it’s okay that I slack off in the back room from time to time.”
 
“He shouldn’t lie, though,” Isak interjected, looking up from his phone. “If he doesn’t think he’s really punctual all the time, he shouldn’t say that.”
 
Eskild scowled in his direction. “Excuse me, are you on this interview panel?”
 
“No,” Isak grinned. He met Even’s eyes, and they sparkled with amusement.
 
Eskild watched their small exchange, and his expression softened somewhat.
 
“No boyfriends allowed,” he smirked, “it’s a conflict of interest.”
 
“Why don’t you just say you’re reliable, instead of punctual then?” asked Linn. “It’s basically the same thing.”
 
Even had even more qualms about that. His personal history could easily attest to the opposite. Not that he was ever intentionally unreliable. He always tried his best…
 
“Is trying hard a strength?” he asked them.
 
“It could be,” Eskild mused, “just maybe phase it differently. Say you’re greatest strengths are your interpersonal skills, your determination and…”
 
“And resilience,” Isak finished, smiling in Even’s direction.
 
“Am I resilient?” Even asked teasingly, feeling like he was beaming from the inside out.
 
“You’re the most resilient person I know.”
 
“That’s actually not bad. I’m impressed, Isak,” Eskild grinned. “Okay, so we’ve got three strengths, now what about weaknesses?”
 
Even sighed. This wasn’t going to get any easier, was it?
 
“I don’t know,” he laughed wryly, “the fact that I need to take lithium in order to function normally?”
 
“Yeah, I wouldn’t bring that up,” Eskild’s smile dropped. Linn gave an exaggerated shake of her head.
 
“If I get the job there, they’re going to find out eventually.”
 
“But they don’t need to find out tomorrow,” Eskild argued.
 
Of course, Even wasn’t really planning on discussing his mental health in a job interview. But there was an inkling of truth behind the joke. If he was offered the job, he wasn’t going to wait long to tell the manager he was bipolar. He’d already learnt from past mistakes. Better to get it out of the way, than have it be a shock later on.
 
“Besides, that’s not really a weakness, is it?” Linn said, after a moment of thought. “Plenty of people take medication. That doesn’t make them weak.”
 
Even was oddly touched. He’d never expected a comment like that to come out of her.
 
“Thank you, Linn,” he told her sincerely.
 
“Yeah, Linn,” Eskild added, “that was cool.”
 
She shrugged. “I’m getting kind of tired. Are we almost done?”
 
“Even doesn’t have a weakness yet,” Eskild reminded her.
 
Even tried to come up with something. There were plenty of personal flaws he would consider weaknesses…so many things about himself that he didn’t really like…but none he wanted to discuss with a total stranger at a job interview.
 
“My greatest weakness is that I sometimes hold myself to an impossible standard,” he conceded.
 
“That’s a good one,” Eskild nodded approvingly, “say that often you’re a perfectionist. It’s a weakness but it will also make you sound good to a manager.”
 
“Isn’t that a bit cliche?” asked Linn.
 
“All of this is cliche,” Eskild rolled his eyes, “there’s a reason it is, though. Even, if you say all of this right, you will get that job. Trust me. Just tell them what you know they want to hear.”
 
“Thanks, guys,” Even said earnestly.
 
From the adjacent couch, his boyfriend was swelling with pride.
 
***

21:21

“Look what time it is,” Isak grinned suddenly, leaning across the bed to show Even his phone.
 
Even squinted at it, before he felt his lips curve upwards. “We need to celebrate. Let’s go somewhere.”
 
Isak frowned skeptically. “We’re not breaking into a house again.”
 
“No,” Even pulled himself up off the bed, tossing the Xbox controller aside, before extending a hand to his boyfriend. “Nothing illegal, I promise.”
 
“You have your job interview tomorrow morning.”
 
“We won’t be out long,” Even assured him.
 
He’d always been good at convincing Isak, and this time was no exception. His boyfriend barely hesitated, before he began to smile again, taking the hand that was offered.
 
“I just have to tell Lea,” Isak said, untangling their hands once they’d reached the entranceway. He backtracked towards the living area, calling out to her. “Hey, Even and I are going out for a bit.”
 
“It’s nine thirty at night,” Even heard her reply, sounding bewildered.
 
“It’s 21:21,” Isak answered, as though it was obvious, “we’ll be back soon.”
 
“You’re so weird,” Lea was silent for a moment, “…can you bring me back something from McDonalds?”
 
“Maybe,” Isak sounded amused, “see you a bit later.”
 
It was a nice night for a walk, all things considered. The air was cool and clear. Even wasn’t sure if he was just used to winter now, but he swore everything felt much warmer than it had in a while. An atmosphere heavy with the promise of spring. 
 
“So what’s your plan?” his boyfriend asked, taking his hand. Even loved that he would do that in public all the time now, without even giving it a second thought.
 
“It’s a surprise,” he said.
 
Truthfully, he had no idea where they were going. As he’d sat there in Isak’s room, he’d felt anxiety about the job interview start to swell. In part, he was just glad to be outside, breathing in fresh air, relieving some of the stress. 21:21 had felt like a sign.
 
Then there was Isak, and the strange way he’d been acting lately. Even had noticed it first on Friday night, at the house party they’d gone to with the boys to celebrate the start of winter break. It was subtle, probably undetected by most people, but it was enough for Even to know that something was off. Isak was drinking a little too much, laughing a little too loudly. Trying a little too hard to act as though everything was fine. Jonas had noticed it too - his eyes accidentally met Even’s a few times, when they were both casting Isak worried glances - but neither of them had said anything. Even wasn’t going to push it. He was sure Isak would talk to him when he was ready, but he wanted to give him every opportunity, and make it obvious that he was ready to listen.
 
“I’m starting to think you don’t have a plan,” Isak joked, after they’d walked around aimlessly for a while.
 
Even paused, pretending to be hurt. “Are you doubting me?”
 
“No,” a mischievous grin spread across Isak’s face. “Yes.”
 
“Fuck, okay then,” Even shook his head, “I had this totally amazing surprise planned for you, but now I don’t think you deserve it.”
 
“You mean you had absolutely no ideas, and now you’re trying to get out of it.”
 
“No, I really mean it,” Even said seriously. “It’s your loss, I guess.”
 
Isak laughed. “It’s for the best. Knowing you, it was probably something illegal.”
 
“Depends what your definition of illegal is.”
 
“I think the definition of illegal is pretty clear, Even.”
 
He was so cute, grinning and teasing like that. Overcome with the urge to kiss him, Even leaned towards him and locked their lips together. He may have lingered longer than he intended to, forcing other pedestrians to walk around them as they stopped in the middle of the street. When he pulled back, Isak’s lips were parted slightly, eyes wide with astonishment.
 
“What was that for?” he asked.
 
“I don’t know,” Even admitted, “I felt like it.”
 
A wide smile spread across Isak’s face. He grabbed Even’s hand and it kissed it gently, before they continued down the street.
 
“Are you nervous about tomorrow?”
 
“Fucking terrified,” Even decided to be honest. He tried to laugh it off, but he was sure his anxiety was evident.
 
Isak’s fingers squeezed his. “I’ll walk there with you in the morning, if you want.”
 
“What about your mum?” Even asked warily. He’d love for Isak to be there with him, but he didn’t think it was fair to take him away from his family. “Weren’t you planning on visiting her tomorrow?”
 
“Your interview is at ten,” Isak shrugged, “I can drop you off and then go see her. It’s easy.”
 
Even was always amazed by how hard Isak tried to do right by everybody. How he’d always go above and beyond for the people who mattered to him. It made him feel overwhelmed.
 
“You’re the best thing in my life, do you know that?” he said.
 
Isak blushed, lowering his eyes and smiling shyly. “Same.”
 
They walked a little further, hands locked together, heading in no particular direction. Even realised that if they continued on the same route, they’d eventually reach the harbour. After a time, they passed a small group of college students leaving a restaurant, talking and laughing loudly after a few too many wines over dinner. One of them - an attractive, dark haired guy who had to be a couple of years older than Even - blatantly turned to stare. His eyes racked Isak up and down, and he even glanced back at him over his shoulder when they’d passed by. Even spluttered.
 
“That guy was checking you out,” he answered his boyfriend’s questioning stare.
 
“What?” Isak was baffled, looking behind them at the group, who were already a few feet away. “You’re joking, right?”
 
Even grinned, “you mean you didn’t notice?”
 
Isak shook his head in disbelief. “He was probably just staring at us because we’re holding hands.”
 
“No, I don’t think so. He looked you right up and down. It was totally shameless,” Even laughed. He had to admit it was pretty ballsy, considering Isak was obviously taken. “I guess I can’t blame him…though it did make me kind of jealous. He was good looking.”
 
Isak snorted. “You don’t get jealous.”
 
“Sure I do,” Even told him. “I got jealous when I saw you kiss Emma, at the fluro party.”
 
“Really?” Isak was incredulous.
 
Even nodded. “Why do you think I went straight over there to talk to her?”
 
He could see Isak mulling this over in his head, and was surprised to learn this was new information to him. He hadn’t exactly been subtle, back then…or at least he didn’t think so.
 
“Well, you don’t need to,” Isak said after a short pause, “to get jealous, I mean. I’m not looking at anyone else.”
 
Even beamed and squeezed his hand. “Me either.”
 
They finally reached the harbour, stopping just at the edge of the docks, when they couldn’t walk any further. Boats dotted the dark water, tiny golden lights that bobbed up and down in the distance.
 
“It’s weird,” Isak remarked, as they stared out at the water together, “I’ve lived in Oslo my whole life, but I pretty much never come down here.”
 
“I know what you mean,” Even wrapped his arms around him, warming them both. “We should come here, more often. Take advantage of it.”
 
Isak nodded, leaning into their embrace. “When it gets warmer, we can bring some beer down here at night and chill.”
 
“Or go to one of the restaurants?” Even suggested.
 
Isak shook his head. “Even, those restaurants are fucking expensive.”
 
“Yeah, I know,” Even shrugged. “After I get my first pay check, though, we should go to one. To celebrate.”
 
“Like a date?” Isak laughed, though he seemed excited by the prospect.
 
“Yeah,” Even smiled at him, “exactly like a date.”
 
“I’ve never been on a proper date before.”
 
“Seriously?”
 
“Yeah, I don’t think so,” Isak paused to consider. “Not unless you count the times I used to take Sara to McDonalds. And just sat there silently while she gossiped about her friends.”
 
Even laughed. “Well, we’ll definitely do it then. Soon as I get the job. If I get the job.”
 
Isak put an arm around his shoulders and kissed him. Even could feel his boyfriend smiling as their lips moved together.
 
“You’ll get the job,” he said firmly, when they broke apart. “And I love you.”
 
“I love you too,” Even grinned back at him.
 
He wasn’t sure Isak knew just how much he had riding on this interview, now. Being able to work would mean a lot to him, but it also meant that he could ask his boyfriend a very important question. One that had been on the back of his mind since Valentine’s Day. Just the thought of it made him excited, but also filled him with nerves. He’d handle it one thing at a time though, he rationalised. There was no rush.
 
“Do you want to head back?” he asked Isak after a while. It was starting to get late.
 
“Yeah,” Isak smiled, but he seemed somewhat hesitant. As though there was more he wanted to talk about it. Even wondered if it was related to the strange vibe he’d been getting from him lately.
 
“Something wrong?” he said worriedly.
 
Isak shook his head. “No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”
 
“Are you sure?” Even frowned. “Just kind of seems like you wanted to say something, then.”
 
“It can wait until after tomorrow,” Isak said assuredly.
 
Even was doubtful, but he didn’t think it was likely he was going to get any further. Isak must have been holding back on telling him about whatever was bothering him, not wanting to burden him with it before his interview. Of course, Isak was never a burden, but Even knew what it felt like to be in his position, too.
 
“Okay,” he eventually conceded, searching the other boy’s face. “I don’t need to worry, do I?”
 
Isak shook his head immediately, kissing him again.
 
“No,” he whispered, “you don’t need to worry.”
 
It was more than enough for Even to be convinced.
 
***

Monday, 20 February, 2017

09:44

Even could feel his heart rate increasing, the closer they got to the KB. Was he going to get there too early? Too late? Eskild and Linn had said that arriving ten minutes before an interview was optimal, so that’s what he was aiming for. In his current state, though, he was overthinking everything.
 
“Do you want me to go in with you?” asked Isak, when they got off the tram across the road from the coffee shop.
 
“No, it’s okay,” Even said, hoping his boyfriend couldn’t sense the fact that his anxiety was skyrocketing, “I’ll be fine from here.”
 
Isak gave him a reassuring smile. A hand reached underneath his jacket, straightening the collared shirt he was wearing. He’d dressed in what Lise described as his ‘good clothes’, the same thing he’d worn to take Isak’s mother to church the first time.
 
“You look good,” Isak finished smoothing down the shirt, then leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. “Call me when you’re done, yeah?”
 
“Yeah,” Even answered gratefully. “Thank you, for coming with me today.”
 
“Of course,” Isak said seriously. He paused to consider something for a moment. “You know, this might sound stupid, but whenever I used to feel nervous, I’d picture one of the most confident people I know, and try to imagine what they’d do in that situation. I still do it sometimes, actually.”
 
“Who do you normally think of?” Even asked curiously.
 
“It changes, depending on the situation,” Isak shrugged. “Usually, it’s Jonas. Or Eskild. Sometimes it’s Sana. Don’t tell any of them that, though. I’d never live it down.”
 
“I won’t,” Even promised, laughing.
 
Isak took both of his hands and held them tightly. He kissed him quickly on the lips.
 
“Good luck, baby,” he squeezed his hands once more before letting them go.
 
Even watched him leave, heading in the direction of another tram stop that would take him to his mother’s hospital. He’d crossed the road and was about to head into the building, when the phone in his pocket buzzed. Isak had sent him a giant red heart. He grinned and sent him one back before turning the phone off.
 
The KB was mostly empty, with only a small handful of customers seated in the far corner of the shop. A girl about Even’s age was working the front counter by herself, wiping down the barista machine while she stared off into space.
 
“Hey,” he flashed her his best smile, “I have an interview with Felix today?”
 
“Oh yeah, cool,” the girl answered before looking up. Her eyes widened a little bit when she finally saw him. “Uh, I’ll just go get him for you.”
 
She disappeared into the back somewhere, and Even tried to ignore how fast his heart had started beating. Who was the most confident person he knew? There were plenty of good choices, but for some reason, the first person who popped into Even’s head was his old friend Elias. Elias Bakkoush was one of those people who made high school seem like a breeze. He was so charming and funny that he had a habit of winning people over. Even imagined him sauntering into a job interview the way he used to saunter into house parties when they hung out together, brimming over with confidence that came across as endearing, rather than arrogant.
 
He was still picturing this when the girl returned, accompanied by a tall blonde man who appeared to be in his mid-thirties. Even was relieved to see that he presented himself fairly casually, his collared shirt only half-tucked into dark jeans.
 
“Even, right?” he asked, extending a hand towards him.
 
“Yeah,” Even smiled at him. “You must be Felix?”
 
“You got it,” the man replied with a grin. He had a fairly strong Danish accent. “Since it’s empty this morning, I thought we may as well do the interview out here. Do you want a coffee? Anna will make something.”
 
“Oh, sure,” Even was surprised, “whatever you’re having is fine.”
 
He hadn’t expected it to be this informal. Felix nodded towards Anna, who started up the barista machine. He gestured towards a table, at the opposite end of the store from the customers.
 
“Anita spoke very highly of you on the phone the other day,” he said, as they sat down. “She says you’re a great guy. Very easy to get along with.”
 
“She did?” Even beamed. Isak’s aunt had really gone above and beyond for him.
 
“How do you know her, anyway?”
 
“Her nephew is my boyfriend,” Even explained. “I actually only met her for the first time a couple of weeks ago.”
 
Felix nodded, smiling. “Well, you obviously left quite an impression. Just to make it clear though, I can’t treat you differently to any other applicant, because you know my wife’s boss. This needs to be a fair interview.”
 
“Yeah of course,” Even answered seriously, “I didn’t expect anything else.”
 
Felix leaned back in his chair, one arm draped over the back of the empty one next to him. He seemed relieved to have gotten that out of the way.
 
“Okay, good,” he said. “So to start with, why don’t you start by telling me why you want to work here?”
 
Even was surprised by how fast the rest of the interview seemed to take. Most of the questions he was asked were the same ones he’d rehearsed with Eskild and Linn the night before. He was able to answer all of them promptly, giving the scripted responses he had prepared, tweaking some of them slightly to better fit the situation. He was beginning to like Felix already. He was chill, but still professional at the same time. When he mentioned that he’d moved to Norway from Denmark about six years ago, Even told him that he was a fan of Danish film, and they ended up having quite a good discussion on the subject. By the end of it, he wasn’t sure if this was making him feel more relaxed or not. He was more certain that he wanted to work here, but that made the notion of missing out on the job all the more hard to take.
 
“Okay, I think there’s just one more question on the list that I have to ask,” Felix scanned the notes in front of him. His eyebrows went up slightly, and Even had the impression it was going to be a difficult one. “Can you tell me about a time when you had to overcome a difficult or adverse situation, and how you were able to handle it?”
 
That question definitely struck a chord. If anybody knew about overcoming difficult or adverse situations, it was Even. None of them felt terribly appropriate to bring up right now, though. Across from him, Felix was waiting expectantly, expression stoic. For the first time since the interview began, Even was at a loss. He hadn’t rehearsed anything like this with his friends. He had no idea what to say.
 
“You can take your time,” Felix assured him. “That’s not an easy thing to answer.”
 
Even nodded gratefully, racking his brain. What would Eskild or Linn suggest? What would Elias do? He’d probably come up with a joke, that was wrought with honesty at the same time. I’m a Muslim guy living in a predominantly Christian country, he imaged Elias saying while laughing, so I definitely know a thing or two about ‘difficult or adverse’.
 
Felix was still waiting for an answer. He was being very understanding, but Even knew he still couldn’t take forever. He needed to say something, before it was too late.
 
“Last year, I had to change schools,” he eventually said, feeling himself grow quiet as he relived the memory. “It was in my final year, and I didn’t know anybody at Hartvig Nissen. So, that was pretty difficult, I guess.”
 
“Yeah, for sure,” Felix said, scribbling something down on his notes. It weirdly reminded Even of being in therapy. “Did your family move, or…?”
 
“No, not exactly,” Even admitted. He stared at his knees. One of his legs was jumping up and down with nervous energy. “I transferred from Elvebakken. It wasn’t easy, but I considered all my options, and I think it was the best decision. At that time, I really needed a fresh start.”
 
“Okay,” Felix said slowly. His tone and expression were almost impossible to read. Even wondered if he’d made a mistake. Did it sound like he’d left school on a whim, because he couldn’t handle difficult situations?
 
He took a deep breath.
 
“Felix, I’ll be honest with you,” he continued, “because if I do come to work here, you’ll need to know about this. The reason why I had to leave school, was because of my mental health. About a year ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.”
 
He hadn’t anticipated revealing this, so it wasn’t a shock that his words had left Felix completely stunned. He rose his eyebrows at Even again.
 
“I see.”
 
“I’m sorry,” Even said quickly, “but I guess it’s just hard for me to talk about overcoming difficulty and adversity, without bringing that up in some way. Because learning to come to terms with having a mental illness is the most difficult thing I ever did.”
 
It took Felix a moment to compose himself, allowing the words to sink in. It was probably only a few seconds of silence that passed, but for Even, it felt like years.
 
“Well, I do appreciate the honesty,” Felix said evenly. He studied his notes again. “Bringing it back to the question, I guess…can you tell me how you overcame this adversity?”
 
Even’s heart was pounding. He’d definitely fucked this up. He was sure of it. He should have just made up some bullshit answer, but it was too late now.
 
“It was a combination of things,” he said. “When you have to monitor your moods all the time, you end up becoming pretty self-aware. It’s hard work and determination. Keeping to certain schedules, remembering to take medication. Accepting that you often have to compromise on the things you might want for yourself. And also, accepting that sometimes, despite your best efforts, you still might fail. And learning to be resilient enough to deal with that, and try again.”
 
As he spoke, Even realised just how much this opportunity meant to him. It was more than just a way to earn some extra money. More, even, than a way to move out of home, or travel, and live the life he’d always wanted, but had been forced to put on hold for so long. It was a chance to prove something to himself. To prove that he was capable of anything he set his mind to. That all the hard work, and sacrifices, would be worth it.
 
Felix waited until Even had finished, then nodded silently. Even wished he’d give some kind of sign of what he made of all this. It was impossible to tell, but he couldn’t help but assume the worst. If he was in Felix’s position, would he really want to hire somebody like him?
 
“Well, that’s all the questions I have for you, Even,” he finally said. “Do you have any questions you’d like to ask me about the position?”
 
He’d fucked it up. There was no way he hadn’t fucked it up. Even somehow managed to remain composed.
 
“Not really,” he admitted softly, “I think you’ve answered just about everything.”
 
Felix studied him carefully, before slowly getting to his feet, offering a hand. Even stood up and shook it.
 
“It was nice to meet you, Even,” he said. “I’ll be in touch in the next few days.”
 
Even left the coffee shop, already dreading that phone call.
 
***

13:11

“Maybe it didn’t go as badly as you thought?” Anders offered kindly, as he sat opposite Even in the pub.
 
Even stared into the half-finished beer in front of him. “It was pretty bad.”
 
He had texted his friend not long after he got home, not really wanting to be alone, but not ready to face anyone else yet either. He didn’t want Isak, or Eskild, or Linn to ask how it went, and to have to pretend to be excited and happy, for fear of letting them down.
 
“If it helps, I got fired from the last job I had,” Anders said sympathetically, “and that was working for my dad at his business, so…that was pretty awkward.”
 
Even managed something close to a smile.
 
“I told the guy who interviewed me that I’m bipolar,” he admitted after a brief silence.
 
Anders’ optimism faltered, just long enough for Even to see that his friend agreed he’d made a mistake. This was new territory, for them. Like everyone else at Nissen, Anders had heard the rumours about Even’s mental health, but they’d never actually spoken about it.
 
“Well, that’s okay, isn’t it?” Anders continued, his tone now overly cheerful. “He can’t hold that against you. That would be, like, discrimination and shit.”
 
“Maybe,” Even shrugged. If Felix didn’t want to hire him, he could easily come up with an excuse for it. Nobody could prove otherwise.
 
“If he doesn’t hire you because of that, you should fucking sue him,” said Anders firmly. “Isn’t that Eva chick’s mum a lawyer? She could help you.”
 
“I don’t think she’s that kind of lawyer,” Even said with a wan smile. “Besides, I don’t have the money or resources to sue a guy for something I’d have a slim chance in hell of proving, anyway.”
 
Anders considered this quietly, and Even could tell he’d made his point. They both took a long swig of beer.
 
“I’m sorry, man,” Anders said gently. “Something else will come along, though. It always does.”
 
Even nodded, though he was having a hard time believing it. He couldn’t blame Felix. He should know by now that not everybody understood mental illness. It was his fault, really.
 
His phone had started ringing in his pocket, but he didn’t have to look to know who was calling. He’d made ‘The Message’ Isak’s customised ringtone some time ago.
 
“Aren’t you going to get that?” Anders asked.
 
Even reluctantly pulled the phone out, staring at it. “It’s Isak.”
 
“Dude, answer it, then.”
 
The phone rang for a few more seconds, before it went to voicemail. Even set it on the table in front of him.
 
“I’ll call him back later,” he said.
 
He knew it was irrational, but he couldn’t stand the thought of making Isak disappointed. He couldn’t even get a fucking job interview right. He was going to end up being a burden on his boyfriend, and it was only a matter of time before he figured it out.
 
Anders leaned back in his seat, watching Even with concern evident on his face.
 
“Isak’s not going to care,” he told him gently. “It’s not going to change anything. You know that, right?”
 
Even sighed, staring at his lap. “I was going to ask him to move in with me.”
 
“Seriously?” Anders waited until Even nodded. “Fuck.”
 
“The Kollektiv is getting a bit crowded. He wants to find a new place to live, so once I had an income, I was going to ask,” Even paused. “He doesn’t know about that, but still…I don’t know. Feels a bit like letting him down, if that makes sense. Like I’m not good enough.”
 
They sat together in silence for a while, sipping their drinks and staring out the window.
 
“You know, dude, I bet when you tell Isak about what happened, he’s going to be fucking proud of you,” said Anders eventually, smiling at him. “I bet he’s going to think it was super brave.”
 
Even wasn’t so sure, but Anders’ words cheered him up nonetheless. He found himself smiling back.
 
“Thanks, man.”
 
***

Wednesday, 22 February, 2017

12:34

Even could feel a stitch forming in his side. He knew the second he stopped running, he was probably going to keel over, pure adrenaline and endorphins keeping him on his feet. That, and his incredibly motivated, incredibly fit boyfriend, jogging along at his side.
 
“Come on, baby,” Isak said encouragingly, “you’re almost there.”
 
Until today, Even didn’t think he was unfit, by any stretch of the imagination. Now that he was comparing himself to Isak, however, he was starting to feel ridiculously out of shape. He could tell that Isak was holding himself back so that they could run at the same pace, barely breaking a sweat while Even panted and struggled. If it wasn’t for his boyfriends consistent words of inspiration, he probably would have given up long ago.
 
He’d been extremely reluctant at first, when Isak suggested they do some laps around the nearby park, but now he was glad he’d been talked into it. He’d been pretty down yesterday, not really wanting to do much or leave Isak’s room, and he knew it was worrying him. His boyfriend hadn’t taken no for an answer, and now that they were about to finish their third lap, Even was exhausted in the best way possible.
 
They reached the park bench they’d been using as a marker, and Even all but collapsed, resting his hands on his knees and breathing heavily. He was surprised at how satisfying it was to achieve the goal that Isak had set out for him at the start of their session. He didn’t think he’d get any sense of accomplishment from running around in circles, but it actually made him feel pretty good. He could see how people could become addicted to this.
 
“You did it,” Isak grinned at him, wiping a thin line of sweat from his brow.
 
Even smiled back and stood up, wincing a little at the pain in his side.
 
“Stitch,” he explained, when his boyfriend frowned in concern.
 
“Where does it hurt?” he asked. Even gestured to the area in his side, and Isak pressed his fingers into it, massaging away the pain. “Take some deep breaths.”
 
Even did as he was told, looking into Isak’s eyes until the pain finally started to subside.
 
“I still don’t know why we couldn’t just go have sex in my empty apartment instead,” he joked. “It would still count as a workout.”
 
Isak laughed. “We still can.”
 
“Maybe later, when I don’t feel like I’m about to vomit up a lung,” Even smirked. All the smoking he used to do had probably taken more of a toll than he cared to admit to. He was sure he never used to get this out of breath.
 
Isak gently released the pressure on his side. “Do you feel better?”
 
“Yeah, I do,” he said genuinely, and Isak looked positively elated. “You’re good at this, you know. You’re a good motivator.”
 
“You mean I’m good at bossing people around?” Isak teased.
 
“Yeah, but in the best way,” Even laughed.
 
Isak kissed him quickly on the lips, before taking a swig from the water bottle he was carrying and handing it to him. He was still drinking from it when he heard his phone start to ring. He froze when he recognised the number.
 
“I think it’s KB,” he said. Undoubtedly the rejection call he’d been fearing, just much sooner than expected.
 
Isak placed a hand on his arm, looking into his eyes tenderly. “You should answer it.”
 
Even knew he was right. It was better to just rip off the bandaid and get it over with. He took a deep breath before accepting the call, pressing the phone to his ear.
 
“Hello?”
 
“Even, it’s Felix,” the voice on the other end of the line said. He sounded distracted, with people murmuring and plates clattering in the background. “Look, I’m sorry to do this to you, but someone called in sick for the rest of the week, and we’re a bit understaffed. Do you think you could come in for a couple of four-hour training shifts, on Saturday and Sunday?”
 
Even was baffled. Did he just hear that correctly?
 
“You mean I got the job?” he asked hesitantly. He saw Isak’s eyes brighten in front of him.
 
“What? Oh shit, sorry, I should have said that first,” he heard Felix laugh. “Yeah, we’d love for you to come work here. I really liked the fact that you were so upfront during the interview. Shows good character. I think you’re going to work hard, and fit in well with the rest of the team.”
 
“Thank you,” Even replied sincerely. He locked eyes with Isak at the same time, who was beaming. “I’ll do my best.”
 
“So can you come in both days on the weekend? From ten until two? Anna is going to train you.”
 
“Yeah, absolutely,” he said, still looking at Isak, “ten until two. No problem.”
 
“Great, you’re really saving me, here. I appreciate it,” said Felix. “We’ll see you on Saturday.”
 
“See you then. And thanks again, Felix.”
 
“You’re welcome.”
 
As soon as he hung up, Isak threw both arms around his neck, practically knocking him backwards. He laughed as the water bottle fell out of his hands and tumbled to the ground, squeezing his boyfriend back.
 
***

18:50

“Anyway, I think he actually liked that I was really direct about being bipolar,” Even explained to his parents over dinner, “so in a way, it sort of ended up working in my favour. Plus, Felix is really into Lars Von Trier, so that’s pretty cool.”
 
Lise and Petter exchanged a look with each other, both of them practically glowing.
 
“We’re really proud of you, Ev,” his father said. “You set out to achieve something, and you did it. All on your own merit, too.”
 
“Thanks, Dad,” Even grinned.
 
“I mean it,” Petter glanced at his wife, who nodded. “When I think about where you were this time last year, and where you are now…it’s kind of amazing, really.”
 
For a second, Even was afraid his father might actually cry. He’d only seen him cry twice before - once shortly after his own father had passed away, and once the day after Even had gotten home from hospital. Both times, he’d walked in on it entirely by accident and had immediately left the room again, knowing it wasn’t something he was meant to see.
 
“Are you going to come visit me at work?” he asked them, hoping to lighten the mood.
 
“Of course,” Lise answered with a grin, “are we going to get free coffee?”
 
“Isak asked me the same thing,” Even laughed. “If I give you all free coffee, I’m going to get fired.”
 
“I think you get a free pass when it’s for your mother, though,” Lise joked. “It’s the unwritten law.”
 
Even rolled his eyes.
 
“How many hours do they want you to do?” Petter asked curiously.
 
“It’s part time, so a couple of four or five-hour shifts on weekdays after school,” Even shrugged. “Probably longer hours on weekends.”
 
Lise’s smile faltered slightly. “So four shifts a week? On top of all your schoolwork?”
 
“I’ll manage,” Even assured her.
 
His mother shot her husband an anxious glance.
 
“I suppose you can always tell them you need to cut back, if it gets too much,” Petter suggested.
 
Not if he planned on having enough money for rent. Even sighed. He honestly wasn’t sure when he was going to tell them about his plans, but he figured sooner rather than later was best.
 
“There’s something I wanted to tell you guys, once I found out about the job,” he said. “I kind of had in the back of my mind that if I got this…I might think about moving out, soon.”
 
He’d been expecting his parents to be a bit surprised, of course, but this was something else. The way they were looking at him, he might as well have just announced that he was joining a cult. The colour had actually drained from Petter’s face, and Lise completely froze, wine glass held midway towards her lips.
 
“It won’t be for a while, yet,” he smiled at them, “a month, at the very least, or even a bit longer. I’ll need to save up some extra money first. And…I still need to talk to Isak.”
 
“You’re thinking of moving in with Isak?” his mother asked quietly. Even could tell she was fighting to remain composed.
 
“He’s been talking about moving out of the Kollektiv after his mother gets out of hospital, and his sister moves back home. I think he feels guilty about the fact that Noora hasn’t had a proper bedroom in months.”
 
“Okay,” Petter said hesitantly.
 
Even was confused. His parents were normally so supportive and encouraging. He wasn’t used to them acting like this. He’d thought they’d be happy for him.
 
“It makes sense. I mean, I practically live with him now, anyway. I spend more nights over there than I do at home,” Even argued, “and to be honest, it would be nice to have all my stuff in the same place for once, rather than having to travel back and forth to get clothes and textbooks every other day.”
 
Lise put her wine glass back on the table.
 
“Even,” she said softly, “those aren’t the best reasons to ask someone to move in with you.”
 
“Yeah, I know,” Even could feel himself becoming frustrated, “there are other reasons, too.”
 
Petter sighed, glancing between his wife and son, deeply uncomfortable. Even knew how much his father hated conflict. He was a peacemaker by nature, always doing his best to make sure everybody got along. Even half expected him to make some excuse to leave the room, but he had to commend him for holding his ground.
 
“Even,” Lise tried again, “you know we love Isak, right?”
 
“But…?” Even prompted.
 
“But you’re our son, and that makes you our number one priority,” she continued. “You have to understand things from our perspective. I mean, you and Isak have only been a couple for a few months, and moving in together…well, it’s a huge decision.”
 
“We just want to make sure you’re not walking into it lightly,” Petter added, eyeing him sympathetically.
 
“I’m not walking into it lightly,” Even bit back annoyance, “I’ve thought about this a lot.”
 
“What happens if you fall behind in school, because you’re working too many hours to try and make rent?” Lise questioned. “You know your father and I would love to help you out financially, but we can’t always afford it.”
 
Even hated that his parents were the voice of reason, sometimes.
 
“I’ve only got a few months left until I graduate,” he pointed out. His grades were okay. Not spectacular, but good enough to get him across the line. Even if he put in minimum effort between now and June, he’d still be able to finish high school, barring any other major issues.
 
“I just don’t understand what the big rush is,” Petter told him, genuinely confused. “Why don’t you wait until after graduation, and think about it then? You’ve got plenty of time.”
 
Even stared at his lap. “I’ve spent too much time putting my life on hold. I want to move forward.”
 
When he looked at his parents again, he could tell how deeply they felt for him in that moment. It didn’t seem he had convinced them, however. Doubt was painted clearly on both their faces.
 
“This sucks,” he told them, laughing sarcastically, “I thought you guys would want this for me. I’m twenty years old. It’s time I got out into the world on my own.”
 
“Of course we want this for you,” Petter answered, his tone a strange mixture of sadness and frustration, “probably more than you’ll ever know. We’re just worried.”
 
“Don’t hate me for saying this,” his mother added nervously, “but what happens if you and Isak break up?”
 
Even knew it was a realistic scenario. They were both so young, after all. Even so, just the thought of splitting up with Isak made him feel sick to contemplate.
 
“What happens if we don’t?” he shot back.
 
Lise and Petter were exchanging meaningful looks again (in that moment, Even really hated that they did that), seemingly debating whether it was worth broaching whatever was running through their minds. He saw his father raise his eyebrows - a gesture that clearly indicated he was going to leave it up to Lise to decide.
 
“Even,” his mother said resignedly, her voice small, “what happens if you get sick again?”
 
There it was. The elephant that was forever in the room of all three of their lives. The question that they were constantly avoiding thinking about. A sudden spike of anger coursed through Even’s veins. He wasn’t sure whether it was directed at his parents, or at himself.
 
“Isak looked after me last time,” he said tersely.
 
Lise made a little noise of frustration. He could tell she was reaching the end of her tether.
 
“Last time, Isak had other people around to help. Like his housemates,” she said. “If you move in together - just the two of you - and something happens…”
 
“Lise,” Petter gently put a hand on her shoulder, which had completely tensed.
 
“It’s a lot of responsibility to put on him,” she finished.
 
Her words stung Even deeper than he would have thought possible.
 
“You mean I’m a lot of responsibility to put on him,” he spat. “I’m a burden on you and Dad, and now you think I’m going to be a burden on Isak too.”
 
“That’s not what I’m trying to say!” Lise rose her voice. “You’re twisting my words.”
 
“Why don’t you just say what you want to, then?” Even shouted. He realised he was standing up, though he couldn’t remember doing it. “That deep down, you don’t believe I’m ever going to be able to have a normal life, and that scares the shit out of you.”
 
He’d been expecting her to come back at him with a tirade, but Lise only sat there silently. There were tears slowly filling her eyes. Even could feel himself shaking, both with anger and shock. He didn’t think he’d ever yelled at either of his parents before.
 
Not knowing what else to do, he left them sitting at the table, bathing in the aftermath of his words. He slammed his bedroom door behind him.
 
***

21:15

Even was sitting on his couch, using his knees to balance his sketchbook while he drew, one headphone plugged into his ear. He barely glanced up when his bedroom door creaked open and Lise walked in. He had heard her arguing with his father in the living room for the past few hours; they had spoken in hushed voices, but he’d caught a few scattered words here and there. Words like ‘supportive’, ‘furious’, ‘irresponsible’, and ‘his decision’.
 
Lise slowly approached him, until she was standing right in front of the couch, making it impossible for him to keep ignoring her. He gave it his best go, before finally putting his pencil down and pulling the headphone out of his ear. He stared at her defiantly, waiting for her to speak first.
 
“Can I sit down?” she asked softly. She sounded much calmer than she had earlier. All the rage seemed to have dissipated.
 
Even slowly moved his legs, freeing up the spot next to him. He sat upright and tossed the sketchpad onto the floor. His mother sunk into the seat, leaving a small gap between them. They both stared directly at the wardrobe doors that were in front of them, plastered with drawings, pictures and Alt er love.
 
“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” Even said guiltily, after a brief silence had passed.
 
His mother nodded quietly.
 
“You were right, Even,” she told him, still staring straight ahead. “What you said, about me worrying that you won’t have a normal life…you were right. Sometimes, when I think about your future - about all the challenges you might face - it scares me more than anything else.”
 
Even had expected as much. He’d seen how those words had hit a nerve for her. The fact that she would admit to it so freely, though, left him taken aback.
 
“You can’t protect me forever, Mum,” he answered, as gently as possible, “no matter how much you might want to. I’m an adult, now. You’ve got to let me make my own choices, and mistakes.”
 
“I know,” Lise smiled at him sadly, “but…you can understand where I’m coming from, can’t you?”
 
Of course he could. Most of her concerns were completely legitimate. Even nodded.
 
“This is going to sound stupid,” he confided in her, “but when I look at Isak - or when I think about the future with him - I just don’t have any doubts. Everything about it feels right. It always has. He’s the person I want to wake up next to every morning, you know? The person I want to argue about groceries with, and laugh about our weird neighbours with, and talk to at the end of every day. And I just can’t wait for all of that to start.”
 
“It doesn’t sound stupid,” his mother assured him. She touched his arm affectionately, “you just sound like a person in love.”
 
Even smiled at her gratefully, feeling a bit embarrassed all the same.
 
“You know, when I first told your grandparents that I was pregnant with you, they were pretty shocked,” Lise admitted, with a tiny laugh. “I was only a year older than you are now, and your father and I had been dating for less than a year. Of course, your grandparents love you more than anything, and they think your dad is wonderful, but at the time…well, they had a lot of concerns about the choices I was making, as you can imagine. They were worried that I was too young to be taking on motherhood, or committing to a relationship.”
 
“But it worked out pretty well for you, didn’t it?”
 
“It was the best thing that ever happened to me,” she said without hesitation. “I remember being so angry at them, back then. I felt like they were being really judgemental. It took having a child of my own to realise that all of it came from a place of caring and love. They just wanted me to have the best possible life I could have, the same way I want that for you. The same way all parents want for their kids. But in the end…the only person who could really know what was best for me, was me. I was sure about your dad. And I was sure about being your mother. There was no way I could ever have done anything differently.”
 
As Even listened to his mother’s story, it occurred to him that almost half her life had revolved around him, up until now. If he moved out of home, it would be a huge change for her, too. It would leave space in her life that hadn’t been there before, and that was confronting, in some way.
 
“You said it to me yourself. You’re an adult now,” Lise continued. “If you want to move in with Isak, there’s nothing I can do to stop you. All I can do is give you my advice, and my support. I might not always agree with your decisions, but I’ll be here for you no matter what.”
 
“Thank you,” he answered, genuinely moved.
 
“And you know that you can always come back home, don’t you? Anytime you like.”
 
Even wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly. He heard her sniff into his shoulder, before she patted his back.
 
“You’ve never been a burden, Even,” she whispered, her voice thick with emotion. “You’re the single biggest joy of my life.”
 
When he let her go, he realised that she was crying again. He wiped a few fears away from the corner of her eye, as they both exchanged a smile.
 
***

Sunday, 26 February, 2017

13:53

“How are you finding it so far?” Anna asked, after they’d finished serving a few customers, and the shop at quietened down.
 
Even grinned at her as he wiped down the counter. “It’s great. I think I’m getting the hang of things.”
 
“You’re picking it up really fast,” she told him, while playing with a piece of hair, “you’ll be running the place in no time.”
 
He laughed. “That’s a bit of a stretch, but thanks.”
 
She shook her head, grinning as she wiped down the coffee machine. Even liked her so far, as well as all the other coworkers he’d met over the weekend. Most of them were university students, either his age or a little bit older. Everybody had been exceedingly friendly and welcoming.
 
“You know, a bunch of us sometimes go out for drinks on Saturdays after work,” Anna said. “We’re doing karaoke next week. You should come.”
 
“Yeah? That would be cool.”
 
“Great!” Anna’s eyes brightened. “I kind of suck at karaoke. Well, I don’t suck, but you know…I’m not an amazing singer or anything.”
 
She laughed awkwardly as she started rambling, turning red.
 
“I’m sure you’re just being modest.”
 
“I think I sing better when I’m drunk, but I don’t know,” she laughed again, before glancing up at the door. “Looks like we have some more customers.”
 
Even followed her gaze and beamed. Isak and Jonas had just walked in, the latter holding a skateboard under one arm.
 
“Do you know those guys?” Anna asked curiously.
 
“The blonde guy is my boyfriend,” he explained to her with a smile.
 
Anna’s expression instantly fell, reflecting thinly-veiled disappointment. “Oh.”
 
Isak and Jonas approached the counter, Isak pretending to peruse the menu, acting as though he didn’t know Even at all. Even walked towards them nonchalantly.
 
“See anything you like?” he asked casually. “Let me know if you need any recommendations.”
 
“Actually I didn’t come here for the coffee,” Isak looked up from the menu, smirking, “I just heard there’s a really hot barista who works here, so…”
 
Jonas snorted and rolled his eyes.
 
“I’ll go find a table,” he clamped his best friend on the shoulder, before wandering off.
 
Even laughed, leaning over the counter to kiss Isak once he was gone.
 
“Is that allowed?” Isak blinked in surprise.
 
“I think so,” Even answered. How was he always so cute? “I’m almost finished. Do you want anything?”
 
“Two lattes?”
 
Even grinned and touched his arm. “I’ll bring them over.”
 
He turned back to Anna, who had been trying (and failing) to look like she hadn’t been listening in.
 
“Do you mind if I make them something after we finish up?”
 
Anna sighed, before her lips curved upwards into a smile. “Yeah, go ahead. Your shift’s over, anyway.”
 
“Thanks,” he said warmly.
 
“Just make sure you wipe down the machine after you’re done,” she smirked, throwing him the dishtowel she was holding. “You’re a cute couple, by the way.”
 
Even started up the machine. He could be a bit of a perfectionist sometimes - at least when it came to things he really cared about - which meant that it often took him a little longer than it probably should have to make the coffees. He’d probably need to work on that, but since he was off the clock, he allowed himself extra time to make sure he got it just right. It was the latte art he loved doing, in particular; it was so intricate and detailed. So far he could only do basic designs, but he was hoping to expand is repertoire. He did a heart for Isak, and a leaf design for Jonas, before carrying the mugs over to the table.
 
“Did you do this?” Isak asked, when he placed the lattes in front of them.
 
Even nodded, smiling. “I’m still learning.”
 
He sat down next to his boyfriend, who immediately rested a hand on his thigh underneath the table.
 
“How was the skate park?” he asked them.
 
Jonas grinned teasingly. “Isak fell off his board about four times.”
 
“Really?” Even laughed.
 
“It was three times,” Isak pointed out, grinning as well, “but yeah, it was pretty bad. I’m out of practice.”
 
“Good thing you gave up on that pro skateboarding dream,” Even joked.
 
“I guess it was never meant to be,” Isak shrugged.
 
Jonas’ eyes had drifted over to the front counter, where Anna was serving another customer. “Is that your manager?”
 
“Just a coworker,” Even saw the look on Jonas’ face and smirked, “I could introduce you to her if you want. I’m pretty sure she’s single.”
 
“No way. After Isabell, I’m staying away from older chicks for a while,” Jonas chuckled. “Thanks, though.”
 
“You need to start putting yourself out there, dude,” Isak said, “you can’t keep being our third wheel forever.”
 
“Why not? It’s working out fine for me so far. Hanging out with you guys is way less complicated than dating.”
 
Isak rolled his eyes, turning his attention back towards Even. “What do you want to do tonight?”
 
“I don’t know,” Even thought for a moment, “it’s the last night before school goes back. Do you want to go out to dinner or something?”
 
Isak blinked. “I thought you wanted to wait until after you got paid?”
 
“Yeah, but that’s like two weeks away. I can pay myself back later.”
 
He didn’t think he could wait any longer to ask Isak about moving in. Tonight seemed like the perfect time.
 
His boyfriend looked directly into his eyes, smiling. “Okay.”
 
He leaned forward and kissed Even on the lips, which he happily returned. Even heard Jonas laugh.
 
“Okay, you’re right,” their friend said jokingly, “I need to stop being the third wheel.”
 
***

19:37

“I can’t believe I ate that much,” Isak groaned, placing a hand on his stomach as they left the restaurant.
 
“It’s your fault for ordering the double cheeseburger with extra cheese,” Even pointed out, wrapping an arm around his shoulders all the same.
 
Isak laughed, leaning into his side. “So many regrets…”
 
They walked along beside the harbour, taking in the view in silence. Even could feel the nerves bubbling in his stomach, now that the moment of truth was approaching. He’d told himself he would wait until after dinner. He felt so sure of this since Valentine’s Day, and even though he knew this was what he wanted, he couldn’t help worrying how Isak was going to react. What if his boyfriend freaked out? What if he thought it was too soon?
 
“Are you okay?” Isak asked. “You’re being kind of quiet.”
 
Even took a deep breath, staring out at the dark water.
 
“Isak,” he began slowly, “when you think about the future, and stuff, what do you picture it as?”
 
Isak’s eyes widened, seemingly taken aback by the seriousness of the question.
 
“Honestly? I try not to think about it too much,” he admitted. “Lately, I’ve sort of been trying to just…live in the moment.”
 
Even nodded, fighting against his churning anxiety.
 
“Why do you ask?”
 
“I was just wondering if maybe…” he trailed away, before trying again, “do you see us being together for a long time?”
 
He could feel Isak studying his face, but he felt reluctant to meet his gaze. When he’d rehearsed all of this in his head earlier, it had sounded a lot smoother.
 
“I can’t really see myself ever being with someone else,” Isak finally replied. When Even looked over at him, he was blushing. “Sorry, is that too much?”
 
“No,” Even answered quickly. He stopped walking, turning to face his boyfriend so he could wrap both arms around his waist. “I feel exactly the same way about you.”
 
He kissed him with everything that he had, as if to prove just how much he meant it.
 
Isak laughed shyly. “Where’s all this coming from, anyway?”
 
Even subconsciously held on to Isak tighter. This was it.
 
“Remember on Valentine’s Day, how you talked about moving out of the Kollektiv soon?”
 
Isak rose an eyebrow at him, confused. “Yeah?”
 
“Well, ever since then, I’ve sort of been thinking about it,” Even continued. “And I know we haven’t been together long, but now that I’ve got this job and I’ve got an income, and everything has been going pretty well, I thought that…I don’t know…”
 
He was rambling again. He looked into Isak’s eyes, and could see the realisation was dawning. He was more surprised than anything else.
 
“You don’t have to answer right away,” he added hastily, “you can think about it for a while, if you need to. But I thought about it over and over again, and I’m really sure this is what I want. So…I guess what I’m trying to ask is…do you want to find a place together, and move in with me?”
 
He was about to keep going - to say that it was more than fine if Isak said no, and it wouldn’t change anything between them - when his boyfriend broke out into a wide smile.
 
“Yes,” he said firmly.
 
Even blinked in disbelief, unsure if he’d heard that correctly.
 
“Yeah?” he asked, grinning like an idiot. “Really?”
 
“Yeah,” Isak repeated happily. “Yeah, fuck it. Let’s do it.”
 
Even pulled Isak closer to him, hugging him tightly, unable to keep his excitement in. He said yes!
 
“Are you sure, though?” he asked hesitantly, a moment later. “I mean, there’s a lot to think about.”
 
Isak only thought about it for a second longer. “Yeah, I’m sure. You’re right, there’s a lot to think about. And yeah, there are a million things that could go wrong, but…I don’t care. Life is now. If I spend forever sitting around worrying about all the bad things that could happen, I’ll never be happy. I want to be happy. Living with you would make me happy.”
 
“Living with you would make me happy,” Even said back to him.
 
Isak grinned. “Then let’s just go for it.”
 
Even felt warm lips press against his. He laughed when Isak squeezed him, practically lifting him off the ground.
 
“I love you so much,” he said when they broke apart.
 
“I love you too,” Isak wrapped his arms around his neck, pressing their noses together in the cold night air.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Monday, 27 February, 2017

20:30

Lying in the middle of his bed, Isak scrolled through the mound of texts sent from his father in the past week.

Hi Isak. Do you want to have dinner with me tomorrow night? Hugs from Dad.

Isak, I know you’re mad at me, but you need to give me a chance to explain. Call me back.

I can’t get onto Lea. Is she okay? Did you tell her anything?

Isak, I’ve had enough of this. I’m your father. You can’t avoid me forever. I know you think I’ve made mistakes, but I’m just doing the best I can. I deserve to be happy. When you’re older, you will understand.

I’ve returned the signed forms to the hospital. Just so you know.

Answer your phone.

The last message was sent three days ago, and there had been no further attempts to contact him since. Perhaps Terje had finally given up, Isak thought bitterly. He felt a pang of guilt as he read over the texts in their entirety, sensing the building desperation, the longer they went unanswered. In truth, he wasn’t sure why he still hadn’t replied. He guessed it was partly a way of punishing Terje for what he’d done. And partly because Isak simply didn’t know what to say.
 
Terje was right about one thing: Isak couldn’t avoid him forever. The longer he left it, the more likely it was that his father would try and contact Even or Jonas’ parents again - if he hadn’t done so already. The last thing he wanted was for other people to get dragged into this. He stared at the blinking cursor in the text message box for a few minutes, before a soft knock on the door interrupted him. He sighed and dropped the phone onto the bed.
 
“Yeah?”
 
“Hey, little buddy,” Eskild’s voice was tentative as he poked his head into the room. Isak cringed inwardly; he knew what this was going to be about.
 
“Hey,” he decided to play dumb, pulling himself up into a sitting position as he spoke. “What’s up?”
 
Eskild closed the door softly and padded across the room, perching on the edge of the bed. For as long as Isak had known him, Eskild had been able to make himself comfortable in any given situation. Almost too comfortable, if the many conversations they’d been forced to have about boundaries and personal space were anything to attest by. This time, however, he seemed hesitant and nervous, as though he’d rather be doing literally anything else. There was a larger amount of space between them on the bed than usual.
 
“This is awkward,” Eskild stated the obvious, “but I’m just going to come out and say it. Your rent is about ten days behind.”
 
Isak stared at his knees.
 
“Yeah, I know,” he frowned, “I’m sorry about that.”
 
His father hadn’t sent through his monthly allowance on time. In a strange way, it was almost amusing. They could both be as stubborn and petty as each other, when they wanted to be.
 
He could feel Eskild’s eyes studying him carefully.
 
“It’s just, I know I gave you a bit of leniency, when you first moved in,” the other boy said slowly, “but it’s coming up to the start of the month, and well, with so many of us living here, the bills are getting a bit expensive…”
 
“Don’t worry, I get it,” Isak assured him. He debated with himself, before adding, “there’s some stuff happening with my dad. I’ll talk to him. Get him to give me the rent money.”
 
Eskild’s brows furrowed, a mixture of confusion and concern. “Is he okay?”
 
“He’s fine. We’re just…having an argument. You know how it is.”
 
Isak laughed, hoping to play down the situation somewhat, but Eskild didn’t seem to buy it. His housemate looked as though he was on the cusp of saying something else, though Isak never got to find out what it was.
 
“If you say so,” Eskild shook his head instead. “Don’t stress too much about the rent money, for now. I’ve paid your share.”
 
“Seriously?” Isak immediately felt guilty again.
 
“You can pay me back later, when you can,” Eskild shrugged, then began to smirk. “Just don’t expect me to go easy on you if you forget to do your housework this month.”
 
“I won’t,” Isak grinned, though he still felt terrible. Eskild had already done so much for him. “Thanks, Eskild. Really. You didn’t have to do that.”
 
“Sure I did. You might be a pain the ass sometimes, but you’re still my godchild,” Eskild leaned back on the bed, propping himself up with one arm. He appeared much more relaxed, now that conversation was out of the way. “What sort of a godfather would I be if I didn’t take responsibility for you?”
 
Isak rolled his eyes, laughing. “Well, you might not have to put up with me for much longer.”
 
Eskild quirked an eyebrow at him. “Why does that sound vaguely ominous?”
 
Isak could feel himself turning red. Eskild was the first person he’d told about his relationship with Even; he supposed it made sense that he’d be the first to know about this, too.
 
“Even asked me to move in with him last night.”
 
He honestly wasn’t sure what kind of a response to expect. He watched as the older boy’s eyes widened, initially with surprise, before his face was wrought with excitement.
 
“That’s great, Isak!”
 
“Thanks,” Isak beamed. The fact that his friend was so happy for him made him feel even happier, too. He was about to say more when he was glomped into a huge hug, throwing him off guard. “Jesus Christ!”
 
Eskild ignored him, settling next to him against the wall. “So, tell me what happened. How did he ask you? Was it really romantic?”
 
“Can we not talk about this in detail?” Isak blushed.
 
“You’re no fun,” Eskild tried to sound annoyed, but he was smiling nonetheless. “So what’s the plan? Are you going to move into his parent’s place, or…?”
 
“I think we’re going to find our own place,” Isak said. The notion of him and Even finally having ample space and time to themselves was almost too good to be true. “Which reminds me…and this is probably a bad time to bring it up…but we’re going to need a reference for the real estate…”
 
“Of course,” Eskild answered earnestly, “I’ll only tell them good things. Like how you never leave your dirty laundry in the washing machine.”
 
Isak shrugged. “I’ve gotten better, though, you have to admit.”
 
“You have,” Eskild’s smile reached his eyes. For a moment, something about his expression then was almost sad, but Isak knew he must have been reading it wrong. Eskild was probably relieved he was moving out.
 
“I guess I should break the news to Noora and Linn, too,” he said. “I bet Noora will be happy to be getting her old room back.”
 
“They’re going to miss you, though.”
 
“No,” Isak sniggered, “they’ll miss getting to hang out with Even and Lea all the time.”
 
“You might be surprised,” Eskild laughed. “You’ll have to promise us that you’ll all come back and visit. For family dinners.”
 
“We will,” Isak grinned. He’d been so caught up in the practicality of needing to move - and then the euphoria of last night - he hadn’t given much thought about what it would feel like to leave the Kollektiv behind. He knew it was a good thing, and that this had always been inevitable, but when he pictured coming back to this apartment as a guest rather than a resident, it left him with a strange taste in his mouth. He guessed this was what people called bittersweet.
 
“And you’re sure this is what you want?” Eskild asked. “You’ve thought about it?”
 
“Yeah,” Isak told him firmly, “I’m sure.”
 
Eskild placed a hand on his shoulder, expression overcome with affection.
 
“I’ll miss you, you know,” he said, “but I’m proud of you.”
 
Isak wasn’t sure what to say. His throat felt heavy.
 
“I’ll definitely get you that rent money,” he ended up calling out, when Eskild motioned to get off the bed, “just as soon as my dad stops being a dick.”
 
The last part came out a lot more angry than he’d intended for it to. It was enough to make Eskild pause.
 
“If he ever stops being a dick,” he added snidely, under his breath.
 
The older boy was already half up, but he readjusted himself on the edge of the bed. Isak knew the look Eskild was giving him well. It was the same look he’d had when he’d cautioned Isak about putting himself above gay pride.
 
“Did I ever tell you the story of when I came out to my parents?”
 
The answer was obvious, but Isak shook his head nonetheless.
 
“It was right after I finished high school. Before I moved to Oslo,” Eskild continued. “I was pretty nervous, because I wasn’t sure how they would react. They were both country people, you see. Grew up on farms in a small town, not very open minded. I had a feeling they’d have trouble with it at first, but…I hoped they’d eventually come around. That was probably naive of me, now that I think about it.”
 
There was a sinking sensation in Isak’s stomach, as he realised where this story was going. Nobody discussed family matters at the Kollektiv much, if it could be helped. It was universally understood there was a reason none of them went home for holidays.
 
“I haven’t spoken to them in three years,” Eskild gave him a strange, sad smile, “or anybody from my family, for that matter. My mum had been battling breast cancer for a year already, when I last saw her. If she’s passed away, I’m not even sure my dad would try to let me know.”
 
“I’m sorry,” was all Isak could think to say. He felt helpless and humbled at the same time.
 
“It’s okay, Isak. I’ve come to terms with it,” his friend tried to reassure him. “It’s not something I talk about much, though.”
 
Isak thought about the Eskild he’d always known - the brash, confident person who loved to tease them all like siblings. It was hard to imagine that he’d carried around this sadness for so long, hidden from almost everyone he knew.
 
“Why are you telling me this now?” he asked confusedly.
 
Eskild shifted on the bed, staring at him directly. Isak tried to meet his gaze, fighting the urge to turn away.
 
“I don’t know everything about your family situation. But I met your dad, and he seems to care about you a lot. Granted, he’s a bit uptight…he should learn to let his hair down, from time to time,” Eskild trailed away, chuckling. “I’m getting distracted. The point is, if there’s a chance you can work it out - if there’s a chance of having your parents in your life - don’t you think it’s worth trying?”
 
Isak remembered the words his mother said to him, before he left for Camilla’s wedding. You only get one family, Issy. Don’t ever take that for granted.
 
“I get what you’re trying to say,” Isak admitted, “but…I’m still pissed off at him.”
 
“So maybe you should tell him that,” Eskild suggested. “Whatever he did, I’m not saying you should just forgive him and pretend everything’s okay. Tell him you’re pissed off. Make him understand why. If you need any tips on how to do that, I can help. I’m very good at handling confrontation.”
 
Isak laughed. “Okay, Eskild. I’ll try.”
 
His housemate grinned triumphantly, patting the bed before standing up. Isak watched him walk towards the door, his usual buoyancy and confidence returned.
 
“Hey, Eskild?” he found himself calling after him.
 
The older boy paused in the doorway. “Hmm?”
 
“I think…I think we should have those family dinners more often,” he said. “Even after Lea, Even and I move out. We’ll make sure it happens.”
 
He felt like an idiot for saying it, rubbing the hair underneath the back of his hat awkwardly. When he saw the emotion in Eskild’s eyes, however, he knew he’d made the right decision. His friend didn’t respond, but fixed him with a look that said more than words ever could, before leaving him alone to his thoughts.
 
***

Tuesday, 28 February, 2017

08:52

“Please tell me you did your half of the assignment last night,” Sana barrelled over towards Isak at the school gate when he arrived with Even, holding hands.
 
“Good morning to you too,” Isak rose his eyebrows at her, while Even grinned.
 
His lab parter didn’t seem very amused. She scowled, folding her arms across her chest.
 
“It’s a pair assignment, Isak. If you don’t do it, I get marked down too. Or have you forgotten that?”
 
“Relax, I finished it,” he said, once he realised she was in no mood for teasing.
 
“Great,” she replied stoically. “Make sure you send it to me before lunch. I want to check your work before we hand it in.”
 
“You really don’t trust me, do you?” Isak asked. He looked to his boyfriend for support, but he only shrugged. “Harsh, Sana. Real harsh.”
 
Sana narrowed her eyes at him, arms still crossed in front of her.
 
“Okay,” he conceded, “I’ll send it to you during Physics.”
 
“What’s he done this time?” Jonas said laughingly, when he saw Sana glowering in Isak’s direction. He pushed his bike over to them, followed closely by Mahdi, Magnus and Vilde.
 
Sana shrugged. “Science stuff. Don’t worry about it.”
 
“Oh, so nerd stuff,” Magnus corrected her with a smirk, making Vilde giggle.
 
“Whatever, man,” Isak said, perhaps a little defensively, “Sana’s the one getting all weird about this assignment.”
 
The glare Sana gave him made him regret his words instantly. 
 
“Like you don’t care about school,” Mahdi sniggered, repeating the words Isak had said to them months ago, “‘You learn much more by attending class, research shows that.’”
 
Jonas and Mahdi spluttered, while Isak cracked a smile despite himself. Even and Vilde exchanged a confused shrug with each other, grinning over their shared confusion at the inside joke.
 
“What’s going on? Did you tell them the good news?” Noora asked excitedly as she joined their small circle. She stopped beside Sana and placed a hand on her arm in greeting, though her gaze focused on Isak and Even.
 
“Uh, not yet,” Isak said awkwardly, as all eyes instantly fixed on them. He turned towards his boyfriend, who didn’t seem all that phased by the attention.
 
“What’s the good news?” asked Jonas, sounding both confused and entertained at the same time.
 
“Did you finally sell your love story to NRK?” Magnus joked.
 
Isak laughed and shook his head. After he spoke to Eskild, he’d broken the news about moving in with Even to Lea, then to Noora and Linn. Before he’d even been able to get out his long-winded explanation that it would not be happening before Lea was settled back at home, and that she would still be welcome to stay with them anytime, his sister had hugged him in a way that was all the approval he needed. Noora and Linn had been happy for him too - though Linn had grumbled some complaints about Even not being around to make breakfast anymore. Now that his sister and housemates knew, he supposed there wasn’t a reason to keep it a secret from anyone else.
 
“Did you want to tell them?” he asked Even softly.
 
Even shook his head, eyes wide and sparkling in the way that often made Isak’s knees weak. “I think you should tell them.”
 
“Well someone tell us,” Vilde all but begged. She had her phone at the ready, presumably to text Eva and Chris the latest gossip. Isak swore she lived for this sort of thing.
 
“Okay,” Isak sighed. He realised he didn’t quite know where to look while he was breaking this news to his friends. He decided to focus on Even instead, smiling a bit when he realised just how happy the thought made him. “We talked a bit the other night, and we decided that we’re going to start looking for a place together.”
 
He saw Even beam at him with pure joy, and in that moment, Isak seriously considered kissing him in front of everybody. When his boyfriend’s eyes darted away, however, he remembered they still had a captive audience. His friends were all either gaping or blinking at them in surprise - even Sana, who was normally so composed, appeared taken aback. Subconsciously, it was Jonas’ reaction that Isak sought out first. His stomach churned with anxiety, when he realised just how much his best friend’s opinion still meant to him.
 
“That is so sweet and romantic!” Vilde was the first to react, clasping her hands together. Her enthusiasm suddenly made Isak really grateful for her.
 
“Wow!” Magnus followed her, genuinely elated. “So you’re moving in together? That’s awesome!”
 
“Yeah, that’s cool,” Mahdi grinned at them. “Congrats, guys.”
 
He clasped Isak’s hand and pulled him into their customary ‘bro hug’, patting him on the back of his shoulder with his fist, before doing the same with Even.
 
“We’re going to have to throw a huge party when you get an apartment,” Magnus said, as he hugged them next. “We’ll invite everyone. The whole school.”
 
“Uh, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be a small apartment, guys,” Even pointed out. “Like, really, really small.”
 
“Just a small party, then,” Magnus shrugged.
 
“Leave it to us,” Vilde said earnestly, “Magnus and I will organise it.”
 
“We haven’t even started looking yet,” Isak laughed, though he was feeling pretty touched all the same.
 
He looked over at Sana, who was still standing next to Noora with her hands in her pockets. It was strange to see her smiling in a way that wasn’t sarcastic for once.
 
“Congratulations,” she told him, her voice warm and sincere.
 
“Ugh, gross, Sana,” Isak teased, “stop getting so emotional. It’s embarrassing.”
 
His friend laughed despite herself. “You’re the emotional one. All happy and moving in together. That’s gross.”
 
He smirked. “Are you going to help us move?”
 
“Uh, no,” the sarcastic smile was back instantly.
 
“Uh, yeah, you are. That’s what friends do.”
 
“Sorry, but I’m going to be busy that day.”
 
“We haven’t set a moving date yet.”
 
She shrugged, just as the bell rang. “See you in Biology. Don’t forget to send me your work so I can fix it.”
 
“Ouch,” Isak gave her a tiny wave, as she grabbed Noora and they headed towards the main building.
 
The others began walking towards the school as well, leaving only Isak, Even and Jonas behind. Turning over his shoulder, Isak noticed his best friend and boyfriend were in the midst of a conversation, laughing and joking about something together in a way that made his heart feel warm. He watched as Even clamped Jonas on the shoulder, then came towards him, wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling him close, so he could kiss him goodbye.
 
“See you at lunch?” he asked, raising his eyebrows hopefully.
 
“Yeah,” Isak grinned, lips tingling where Even’s had been moments before, “we still need to tell Anders and Hanna. And Eva and Chris - if Vilde hasn’t already.”
 
“Should be interesting,” Even laughed, before leaning in to kiss him again. “I love you.”
 
“You too,” Isak started to blush, remembering that Jonas was probably listening.
 
He waited until Even had walked a few strides in the direction of his first class, sensing that Jonas had come up beside him. In the midst of all the commotion and well-wishes, they hadn’t been given the chance to speak to each other until now. His friend was smiling, Isak realised with relief, but there was something distinctly unique about it. Something deeper, more candid than usual.
 
“Well,” Jonas said slowly, after a short silence, “look at you.”
 
“Yeah,” Isak laughed shyly, though he wasn’t entirely sure what the other boy meant.
 
Jonas glanced around the now almost empty school grounds. Before Isak could blink, he felt a pair of arms circle around his shoulders, startling him to the point where he almost fell backwards. For the first time since they were probably six or seven years old, Jonas was hugging him. Not a ‘bro hug’ either. A proper hug. Isak realised his arms were hanging limply at his sides, as he remained frozen from shock. Was this really happening? Tentatively, he lifted them up, placing his hands on Jonas’ back.
 
It only lasted a few seconds, before Jonas pulled away, coughing into his hand and blushing profusely at how unmanly this act had just been. Isak coughed too, certain that his face was also bright red. It was a while before they could look at each other again.
 
“Anyway, that’s good news, bro. About you and Even,” Jonas said stiffly, “I’m happy for you.”
 
“Yeah, thanks buddy,” Isak clamped his best friend’s shoulder, perhaps a little more forcefully than he would have otherwise.
 
“Let me know if you need help moving or anything. I’m sure the boys would want to help, too.”
 
“Yeah, dude, of course.”
 
Their eyes met, and they burst into simultaneous laughter, which slowly evaporated the tension.
 
“Come on,” Jonas jerked his head in the direction of the school building, “I’m fucking late for English again.”
 
***

Wednesday, 1 March, 2017

16:03

Lea froze when she approached the hospital door, as though she suddenly couldn’t will her legs to move any further. She stuffed her hands into jacket pockets and chewed on her lower lip, staring through the glass to where the receptionist was busily typing.
 
“We don’t have to do this today,” Isak said from beside her, studying her closely.
 
Lea continued to stare straight ahead. She shook her head quickly. “She’s expecting me.”
 
Isak sighed. He wished he could make this easier for her. Wished he could assure her somehow that everything would be fine. Truthfully, though, he couldn’t predict how this was going to go. They had all agreed, under advice from Marianne’s psychologist, to take things slow. A couple of brief meetings at first, with Isak there as a buffer in case anything went wrong. He knew his mother was a thousand times better than she had been a few months ago, but that didn’t mean this wasn’t going to be emotionally difficult.
 
“Just remember to go easy on yourself,” he implored her. “If you really can’t handle it…”
 
“No,” she cut him off quickly, “I want to see her.”
 
Isak knew his sister well enough to recognise that tone. It was the tone she used whenever she made up her mind about something - the stubborn, trademark Valtersen determinedness that was virtually unshakable. He placed a hand on her shoulder and, with a resolute nod, steered her through the entrance.
 
The receptionist blinked a couple of times in surprise, when they signed in at the front desk. Isak was such a regular fixture in the hospital now, that she barely paid him any attention anymore. But apart from the first time, when Even had come with him, he had always been alone. There was a good chance she didn’t know Marianne had a daughter as well as a son.
 
“What’s with all the flowers?” Isak asked conversationally as he scribbled their details on the sign-in sheet. He gestured to the wall behind her, which had been covered in a variety of brightly coloured flower cut-outs.
 
“What? Oh,” the receptionist glanced behind her, smiling, “it’s for the first day of spring. Some of the residents have been making them in art therapy.”
 
Isak had forgotten that was today. He nodded, smiling back at her politely. “They’re nice.”
 
He peeled off a couple of the big green visitors’ stickers, handing one to his sister, before sticking the other one down across his chest. He gestured for her to follow him down one of the corridors.
 
“This place is different to what I imagined,” Lea said softly, peering into all the rooms, the way he had done during his first visit.
 
“Yeah,” Isak replied sympathetically, “I know.”
 
Marianne was waiting for them in the common area. She had been venturing outside of her room a lot more often, Isak was pleased to discover the last time he was here. She was sitting at one of the tables, dressed in a comfortable pair of grey sweatpants and an old sweater, nursing a cup of tea in her hands while she spoke to a woman in her age bracket. The other woman appeared to be doing most of the talking, to be fair, but Isak couldn’t help noting that his mother was actually listening and interested in the conversation. She was even smiling.
 
He turned his attention to Lea, who had stopped just behind him, and was observing Marianne silently from over his shoulder. She absently fidgeted with her cross necklace.
 
“Ready?” he asked gently.
 
She bit her lip again, and nodded after a second’s hesitation. “You go first, though.”
 
Isak slowly walked towards their table, watching as his mother’s attention shifted when she noticed him. Her gaze drifted past him, presumably towards Lea, and he swore he could see the breath catch in her throat.
 
“Hey, Mum,” he smiled at her calmly, bending down to kiss her cheek. Her eyes softened when they met his, before they darted back towards Lea again.
 
“Who’s your friend?” he asked lightly, grinning at his mother’s companion.
 
“Rita,” the woman extended a hand towards him, “schizoaffective disorder.”
 
Isak was taken aback by how casually she’d announced that. Almost like it was a job title, rather than a severe mental illness.
 
“Isak,” he shook her hand, “Marianne’s son.”
 
“I guessed that much,” she rolled her eyes. “I thought you said he was smart, Marianne.”
 
Isak laughed, as Rita smirked in amusement. Marianne, however, did not seem to be paying attention any longer. She was still staring at her daughter, smiling hesitantly, as though she wasn’t sure she was supposed to. Lea was keeping her distance.
 
“I brought Lea to see you,” said Isak, making eye contact with his sister and encouraging her over.
 
Thankfully, Rita seemed to take the hint, collecting her empty teacup. “I should go, then, shouldn’t I? See you in group, Marianne. Nice to meet you, boy genius.”
 
“You too,” Isak grinned as she walked away.
 
Lea was approaching cautiously, still fumbling with her cross. She held it up to her lips and chewed on it, the way Isak hadn’t seen her do since she was much younger, when she was scared and used to burst into his room late at night after a bad dream. As she grew closer, he noticed Marianne’s eyes clouding, the tears quickly threatening to burst forth.
 
“Come here, baby girl,” she said, just as the first drop spilled out from the corner of her eye.
 
After that, Lea didn’t hesitate any longer. Isak saw her face crumple just as she reached her mother’s side, throwing her arms around her neck. They were both crying openly before too long, oblivious to the other residents and staff who had stopped what they were doing to look. To Isak, standing awkwardly nearby, unsure of what to do now. To everything.
 
“I’ve been so worried about you,” he heard his sister choke out, face hidden behind long spurns of hair and his mother’s shoulder.
 
“I missed you, angel,” Marianne replied, as she held her daughter tightly, “I’m so sorry.”
 
Isak listened to the sound of their sobs, doing his best to ignore the eyes he felt watching them from around the room. He was suddenly transported back to the years of his childhood, standing on the outside as his mother and sister got ready for church meetings and gallery visits together. He had tried his best to share their interests - to be a part of their special, secret club - but it had never worked. He’d always been okay with that, or so he thought. Now, for the first time, he wasn’t so sure.
 
It was stupid and selfish, of course. He should be happy for them - and he was. But not sad and disappointed. Not concerned with thoughts of little Isak Valtersen, who had never really fit in at home or school, or anywhere, because he’d always been too terrified of living authentically. He watched Lea and Marianne a moment longer, smiling sadly to himself, before he decided it might be time to go. Give them the space they probably needed.
 
“Issy,” his mother’s voice cut him off before he could get very far, “where are you going?”
 
She and Lea had let go of each other slightly, staring at him with identical confused expressions. Both of them red and blotchy from crying. Isak put on his bravest face.
 
“Just going for a walk around the block,” he said, “thought I’d give you guys a minute.”
 
Marianne’s puzzlement slowly transformed to recognition. She sniffed, her green eyes vibrant, despite being watery. She kept one hand on Lea’s shoulders, extending the other one towards him.
 
“You’re not going anywhere,” she whispered.
 
There was a strange feeling in his chest. A fluttering of energy, of emotion. Of warmth. Forgetting everything else, Isak took his mother’s hand, and allowed himself to be brought into the fold of their embrace.
 
***

21:02

“Hey, look at this,” Even said suddenly while lying on Isak’s bed. He waited until Isak had set his laptop aside and shifted closer to him, so he could see his phone screen. “Looks nice, doesn’t it?”
 
It was an advert on a real estate website for a studio apartment rental, close to Even’s work and relatively close to their school.
 
Isak snorted. “You’re looking at apartments already?”
 
“Just for fun,” Even grinned at him. He scrolled through a few pictures of the place. “This is the best one I’ve seen so far. To be honest, most of the apartments in our price range are kind of crappy.”
 
“Yeah, I figured,” Isak laughed. He rested his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “You’re right though. It does look nice.”
 
He could feel Even’s chest rise and fall underneath him, slow and steady, in time with his breathing. He draped an arm over his stomach and kissed his neck lazily.
 
“Maybe we could check out a few inspections on Saturday, after I finish work,” Even suggested, “see what the market is like.”
 
“Sure,” Isak agreed. He was realising that when Even got an idea stuck in his head, it was pretty hard to slow him down. He liked that about him, though. His excitement was infectious. “I’ve never been to a house inspection before.”
 
“Me either,” Even admitted, laughing. “We’re going to be so out of our depth.”
 
“All the more reason to start now. We need to practice,” said Isak, sensing his competitive edge mounting.
 
“So serious,” Even teased him. “Okay. I’ll put together a list of places we could look at.”
 
He put the phone down and twisted onto his side, snaking an arm across Isak’s waist. Isak cupped his face as he kissed him, then ran his thumb gently across his cheek, staring into crystal blue.
 
“Have you told your parents yet?” Isak asked.
 
“Yeah,” there was a flicker of hesitation, “they said they were glad you said yes.”
 
“But they’re worried?” Isak guessed.
 
“It’s their job to worry, you know? We talked it out, though. They’re going to be supportive,” his boyfriend shrugged. “What about your parents?”
 
Isak assumed that Lise and Petter might have some qualms, as any normal parent would. He didn’t take it personally. It was different with Terje and Marianne. He had left home without giving them a choice, and they were used to it by now. There was a strange, sinking feeling in his gut when he thought about his dad.
 
“Isak?” Even probed, sounding concerned.
 
“I haven’t told them yet,” he said quietly, when he’d been silent for too long. “My mum is still dealing with a lot, and my dad…”
 
Even said nothing, but clutched a little tighter at his waist, waiting for him to continue.
 
“I didn’t tell you this, but I ran into my dad’s girlfriend a few weeks ago. At least, I think it was his girlfriend.”
 
He could tell Even knew who he meant instantly. “The woman from the Japanese restaurant? After Christmas?”
 
“Yeah,” Isak stared into the tiny gap of space between them, “I’ve…I’ve sort of been avoiding him since. I don’t really know why.”
 
“It makes sense,” Even’s voice was understanding, “he should have told you the truth.”
 
Isak’s fingers absently played with the fabric of Even’s shirt.
 
“Ages ago, my mum thought that my dad was cheating on her with somebody from work,” he continued. “She started acting really weird and paranoid - I thought at the time she was just stressed. You know, one of her episodes. One day, she completely trashed his home office, and when he came from work he…he just lost it. Said he couldn’t handle it anymore.”
 
“That was the day he left?” asked Even gently.
 
Isak nodded. “I think that was just the last straw. There had been a lot of other problems leading up to it. But I never thought that there was any truth to what my mum had been saying, about the cheating. I never thought that…that he might actually…”
 
He trailed away, suddenly feeling choked up. Even’s hand began running a soothing pattern along his back.
 
“All this time, I’ve been blaming my mum for everything. Calling her crazy. To her face - I practically screamed it at her the day I left home,” he cringed. “I was just so pissed off. I felt like I was looking after her all the time, because she couldn’t hold it together after Dad left her. It was exhausting. Plus, she’d been getting all up in my face about this court summons - you know, to do with the whole William thing - and the fights I’d been getting involved in. Then, when she…”
 
Isak realised he’d never told anybody all of this before. Not the full story. Not even Jonas or Eskild knew everything. With Even, though, he was completely safe. He was sure of it. It was cathartic to finally be letting this go.
 
“She found this video on my phone. Like, guy on guy stuff,” he blushed. “I didn’t think. I just freaked out. I called her a psycho and then I left. I had no idea where I was supposed to go, so I ended up at this gay bar,” he laughed wryly to himself. “That’s where Eskild found me, hiding in a corner, drunk off my ass. Said he recognised me from Instagram stalking with Noora and Eva. I guess you can figure out the rest. I slept in the basement for weeks, and nobody except Eskild ever knew. Then Noora decided she was going to follow William to London, so I got to move into her room the day she flew out.”
 
Even kept listening silently, with unfaltering love and compassion that Isak had scarcely known before. He could feel a single teardrop pressing at the corner of his eye, and hastily wiped it away.
 
“Fuck, sorry for saying all of that,” he gave a strange laugh, “I didn’t think I’d get stuck into this, right now. It’s been a strange day.”
 
“Don’t be sorry,” Even kissed him quickly. “I’m glad I know.”
 
“Maybe my mum was right about my dad all along,” he thought out loud. “Maybe he was cheating on her, and I just dismissed it.”
 
“You can’t know that for sure,” his boyfriend reasoned, “not unless you ask your dad directly.”
 
“I just feel so fucking guilty all the time,” he sighed. “For the way I treated her. My mum, I mean. I’ve told her that I’m sorry, but I don’t think she knows just how much.”
 
“She knows, Isak, trust me,” Even said. “I’ve spent a lot of time feeling guilty, about things in the past. I know it’s hard to believe, but it does get easier to forgive yourself. And that’s really all you can do. You can’t change anything.”
 
For a second, Isak remembered Sonja’s words about the Qur’an. The ruined school revue. The torn picture of Mikael.
 
“It gets easier?” he asked.
 
“It does,” Even smiled at him. “And besides, not everything is your fault. You can’t be expected to fix all your parents’ problems. You were stuck in a terrible situation, and the way you reacted…it’s human. Your mum understands that. Anybody would.”
 
Isak had to smile back. He touched his boyfriend’s face again. “You’re weirdly smart sometimes, do you know that?”
 
“Only sometimes?” Even pretended to be outraged.
 
“Okay, all the time,” Isak’s grin broadened. He kissed him again, longer and deeper this time. “I’m lucky to have you.”
 
He sensed Even’s happiness swell.
 
“I’m lucky to have you, too.”
 
***

Thursday, 2 March, 2017

18:14

Isak deliberately arrived late to his father’s apartment, knowing full well that Terje would find it irritating.
 
“No jazz music this time?” he asked, somewhat spitefully, when the door opened.
 
Terje was still dressed in his work clothes, which had managed to stay as pristine as they would have been when he put them on that morning. Isak could tell his father was stressed, though, in a way he hadn’t been two weeks ago. There were dark circles underneath his eyes. He bristled ever so slightly at the comment, but then seemed to settle with it.
 
“No,” he said sombrely, “no jazz music this time.”
 
He stood back to allow Isak inside. Isak stalled, just long enough to make his father think he might take off again, before kicking off his shoes. He led the way over to the kitchen. The small dining table had been set for two people, a stack of takeaway containers in the middle.
 
“I ordered Japanese,” Terje explained as he followed, “that’s still your favourite, right?”
 
Isak shrugged and sat down. Just beyond the large glass windows and small balcony, lay an exquisite view of the harbour. Even had commented on it when they’d all had dinner here, he remembered, and Terje had liked that. A much happier, less tense situation than the one he’d found himself in now.
 
“Would you like a glass of wine?” Terje called out calmly from the kitchen. He’d uncorked a bottle, pausing with one had in the cupboard as he waited for a response.
 
Isak couldn’t believe it. “What?”
 
“You mean ‘excuse me’,” his father corrected. “Growing up doesn’t mean growing out of good manners, son.”
 
He didn’t know whether to laugh or roll his eyes. Offering him a drink before his eighteenth birthday was something he never would have imagined, but Terje still managed to make him feel like a stupid child at the same time.
 
“Excuse me, then,” he ended up rolling his eyes after all. “Yes, a wine would be nice, thanks.”
 
He didn’t actually like the taste of wine, still, but he figured he might as well take advantage of a situation that very well could not occur again. Terje’s expression was stoic as he poured two glasses, then carried them over to the table. Isak couldn’t help but notice his glass was a little less full.
 
“Why the change of mind about drinking?” he had to ask.
 
Terje cleared his throat. “You’re almost eighteen. It was…pointed out to me, recently, that I ought to start treating you a little more like an adult.”
 
“Pointed out by Sigrid,” Isak assumed. Her name tasted bitter on his tongue.
 
Terje tensed, then took a sip of his wine. “Yes.”
 
Isak reached for his glass as well. It was noticeably more expensive than the stuff he’d tried with Even, but he still hated the aftertaste. He tried not to wince as it slid down his throat.
 
Terje began opening the takeaway containers, dishing out servings onto their plates. Isak wasn’t hungry at all. He pushed some teriyaki chicken around with a chopstick, taking only a couple of obligatory bites. Were they really going to sit there all night and act like everything was normal?
 
“You know,” his father said after a long silence, “there’s a Nordic Japanese fusion restaurant that just opened in-”
 
“Dad,” Isak dropped the chopsticks, cutting him off sharply, “I don’t want to talk about restaurants with you tonight.”
 
Stern grey eyes poured into his. Isak wanted to look away, but forced himself to meet his father’s gaze. Slowly, Terje set his chopsticks down too.
 
“Okay, Isak,” he said calmly, “what do you want to talk about?”
 
Isak steeled himself, focusing on the burgundy smears on the side of his mostly untouched glass.
 
“Did you cheat on Mum with Sigrid?”
 
It took him a while before he could look up. He felt guilty, despite himself, when how pained his father was by the question. He couldn’t regret it, though. He had to know.
 
“No,” Terje finally answered. After some hesitation, he added, “there were…some feelings…but we never acted on them. Not until your mother and I had separated.”
 
“But Mum knew,” it was more of a statement than a question.
 
Terje sighed.
 
“Marianne has always been very intuitive,” he said sadly, “more so than any other person I’ve met. I think she knew before I did.”
 
So her suspicions about Terje had not been unfounded, Isak thought. At least not entirely. He remembered going to his father’s summer work barbecue back in 2015, along with Lea and Marianne. Sigrid would have been there. His mother had caused a huge scene, ranting and raving about something, crying hysterically. Talking about sinners. Isak had been mortified beyond comprehension. Did she sense something between Sigrid and Terje that day? Her illness often made her behaviour irrational, but that didn’t mean her feelings - her pain - manifested from nothing.
 
“Is that why you left her?” Isak was surprised by how it hurt, saying that out loud. Left us, he added privately in his head. “Was it because of Sigrid?”
 
“No,” Terje’s response was firm. “I never intended to leave Marianne. Or you and your sister. I’m not that sort of man, Isak. We don’t come from that sort of family. I’ve told you before why I left, and while it might not be for the best reasons, it was the truth. I couldn’t live like that a minute longer. I just couldn’t.”
 
Isak studied his father closely. He believed him. There was no doubt.
 
“You don’t know how bad it got,” he said. “After you left, she couldn’t get out of bed anymore. She had a complete breakdown. Stopped talking. Stopped eating. I had to force-feed her to keep her alive. I ended up calling Jonas, because I didn’t know what else to do. It was just me, him and Lea, on our own. I had to keep it together, for Lea’s sake, but it was the worst time of my life. I was fucking terrified.”
 
Those horrible memories came flooding back, along with the emotions they brought. It was almost too much to withstand.
 
Terje didn’t seem capable of looking at him. He turned and stared out the window, voice hoarse and small. “You should have told me.”
 
“I wasn’t sure how,” Isak said softly, “I wasn’t sure if I could.”
 
Terje crossed his arms. It seemed more like a way of consoling himself, than getting defensive.
 
“I’m sorry, Isak,” he murmured. “I’m so sorry. That should never have fallen onto you. I regret that it ever did.”
 
When he finally looked at Isak, his eyes were misty. Not once had Isak ever seen his father cry before. Not once had he even come close.
 
“I’m sorry,” he said again.
 
Isak could feel his own eyes sting, the longer he watched his father lose control.
 
“I left too,” he admitted. “There’s no denying that. But it was different. I thought she’d found out I’m gay, and that she was going to hate me forever.”
 
“Your mother would never hate you,” Terje answered immediately. “And if anything I’d said made you think that…I was only trying to protect you.”
 
“No, it’s okay,” Isak said hastily. He wiped a rogue tear away from his eye. “You didn’t think she’d hate me. You were just worried she might not understand.”
 
Terje nodded, wiping at his face as well. He chuckled. “Look at us. We’re a mess.”
 
Father and son, sobbing into their chicken teriyaki. Isak laughed too.
 
“The day we took Mum to hospital, I cried in front of Even. Like, a lot,” he found himself saying, smiling as he rubbed his face with his sleeve. “He was really good about it. He said, ‘I don’t think any less of you’. Made this big deal about how being open in front of other people makes you stronger.”
 
“I’m glad,” Terje smiled back. “Even is good for you.”
 
“Do you love Sigrid?”
 
The question must have come out of thin air. Isak was just as surprised by it as Terje seemed. A part of him must have wanted to know.
 
“The relationship is still new,” his father said. “We were going to wait until things were more…stable…for you and Lea, before telling you. I was planning on inviting you, Even and Lea to dinner, so you could all meet her. Eventually. But it made sense to us to keep it a secret for the time being.”
 
“You weren’t very good at keeping it a secret,” Isak sniggered. “It was pretty obvious, when we ran into you with her after Christmas. Then I saw her with you at your office. And last night Even told me he’d seen her sitting in your car outside the Kollektiv, when you came to visit.”
 
Terje’s brows furrowed. “If you knew about it all this time, then why were you so upset that day?”
 
It was a valid point. Isak examined his feelings carefully.
 
“It wasn’t so much that you were seeing her,” he said, “maybe it was, at first, but I got over it. I can accept that you and Mum aren’t getting back together. You’ve told me that, and I can understand that you won’t want to be alone forever. What sucks about it as that you lied to me, and snuck around behind my back. Like you didn’t trust me enough to handle it. I wish you’d just been honest.”
 
“Maybe you’re right,” Terje conceded, “maybe I should have trusted you more. I can see that now.”
 
He took another sip of wine. Isak hadn’t been expecting him to agree so readily.
 
“It’s all this ‘you’ll understand when you’re older’ bullshit that you’ve been spinning for years,” he said frustratedly. “How much older do I have to get? It just seems like you’re deflecting. But I probably understand a lot more than you’ve realised. I had to move out on my own. I’ve had to look after Mum, and Lea. I’ve had to look after Even, I-”
 
“What do you mean, you’ve had to look after Even?”
 
Isak froze, wondering if he’d said too much. “When he was sick.”
 
“Is Even sick?” Terje sounded concerned.
 
Isak wasn’t sure what Even would be comfortable with him saying. He’d often been so guarded about his mental health, although that was starting to change.
 
“He has this condition,” he decided to try and keep it vague.
 
“What kind of condition? Does he have a specialist?” Terje was already getting into ‘doctor mode’, viewing Even’s mysterious condition as a puzzle waiting to be solved. “What’s the recommended treatment?”
 
There wasn’t much point keeping it hidden any longer. “He has bipolar disorder.”
 
Terje’s eyes widened. Clearly, this wasn’t the response he had been anticipating.
 
“But he’s…”
 
“Normal?” Isak finished for him. “Yeah. He is.”
 
He could see the cogs turning in his father’s brain. Despite being married to Marianne for so many years, it was obvious that Terje’s understanding on the subject was limited. He was used to treating conditions and ailments that people could physically see, not the kind that existed in the mind.
 
“The point I’m trying to make, is that you shouldn’t think that I can’t handle things anymore,” Isak said, “or that I’m too young to understand. At least give me the chance to first. You’re only making it worse by keeping me in the dark. Even if you did what you did for the right reasons, it came across the wrong way.”
 
“Yes, okay,” Terje sighed. “I’m aware of that now. Sigrid said as much, and you’ve just reinforced it. I’m going to try and respect that a little more often.”
 
“And I’ll try to be honest too,” Isak conceded, “rather than getting angry and storming off. Or not saying anything, when I really need you to hear something.”
 
“That sounds like a fair bargain,” Terje smiled at him.
 
They stared out at the beautiful view in silence, Terje finishing off his wine, Isak hoping his barely-touched glass would go unnoticed. His mind felt strangely blank, empty of the chaos which regularly consumed it. It was a good change.
 
“In the spirit of honesty, I have to ask,” his father finally spoke. “After everything with your mother…it doesn’t worry you, with Even?”
 
“No,” Isak answered straight away, “not at all. Even is Even, you know? Bipolar is one part of him. Together those parts make him who he is, and I’m okay with all of that. More than okay, actually.”
 
Terje’s expression softened. “It’s like they say. You can’t pick who you fall in love with.”
 
“You can’t,” Isak grinned. “I wouldn’t pick anyone else though.”
 
“I’m writing that down, for when I have to give your wedding toast.”
 
Isak spluttered. Was his father actually showing signs of a sense of humour? What was happening to the world?
 
“Let’s start with moving in together, first.”
 
“With Even?” he could have sworn Terje actually sounded pleased at the prospect. Isak gave something between a nod and shrug, and his father’s smile broadened. “Well, that’s good news.”
 
“You think so?”
 
“Of course,” his father asserted. “Like I said, he’s good for you. And to be honest, I haven’t been too sure about those eccentric housemates of yours…”
 
“Eskild and Linn?” Isak laughed. “They’re great.”
 
“Isak, I don’t…” Terje stopped himself, presumably remembering their earlier conversation, “but I guess you know them best. Should we do a toast?”
 
“Sure,” Isak appreciated the gesture, though his eyes flitted nervously towards the wine. His father got up to retrieve the bottle, taking their plates to the sink at the same time.
 
“Hey, can I ask you something?” he said once Terje returned.
 
Terje was distracted, shifting some of the takeaway containers, as well as filling up their wine glasses. “What do you want to know?”
 
“Lately, I’ve been trying to find out more about Mum. About her life, before me and Lea, because she never really talks about it,” Isak leaned back in his chair, gazing out the window. “So…I was hoping you could tell me about what she was like, when she was younger. Like, maybe back when you first met her. What sort of a person was she?”
 
Terje sat down in his chair. He rested his chin on his fingers, as he contemplated his answer.
 
“She was stubborn, like me,” he said, smiling to himself at some distance memory, “like you and your sister. And very smart. In medical school, we’d end up arguing with each other for hours, in the middle of class discussions, about the validity of some scientific study or another. No one else could get a word in. It used to drive the professors nuts.”
 
Isak smirked. He could picture that so clearly in his head, knowing what he did about both of his parents.
 
“She pushed me harder than anyone else. We were constantly competing with each other for top grades. I would stay up all night before any class we had together, studying hard, because I was terrified of her beating me in a debate,” Terje chuckled. “She could drive me crazy. But…I admired her. I admired her intelligence, her drive, her passion. I admired her faith in her religion, her sense of morality, her commitment to what she knew was right. I admired her strength; the fact that she’d built herself up from nothing - no family, no money - to become such a success. I admired that she’d chosen a career in medicine for all the best reasons, not because she was chasing fortune, or esteem, or the approval of anyone.”
 
“It must have been hard on her,” Isak sad sadly, “when she couldn’t practice anymore.”
 
“I don’t think was ever the same,” Terje agreed, voice breaking slightly. “She was so mysterious, too, even back then. She never talked about her past, so of course there were plenty of rumours about her. How she was secretly a famous artist. How she’d travelled to all these exotic locations. Mysterious Marianne. I supposed that was part of the allure.”
 
“She had lots of men after her?” Isak grinned.
 
“There were a few, yes,” Terje admitted. “She didn’t seem that interested, though. She was mostly focused on studying, and volunteering at the church. I have no idea why she decided to look twice at me.”
 
“Maybe she thought arguing about old medical journals for the rest of her life seemed like a good idea,” Isak joked.
 
“Maybe,” his father laughed, before growing oddly quiet. “She’d done a lot with her life, but I think being a mother was the thing she was most proud of. You and Lea were the only blood relatives she’d ever known. When you were both young, sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night and find her sitting next to your beds, watching you sleep. If I asked why, she’d say she was afraid you might wake up from a bad dream, and she wouldn’t be there for you. Then she’d cry and tell me that no child should have to wake up alone.”
 
“Did you ever ask what that was about?” Isak asked. “It must have come from somewhere.”
 
“I think that I was afraid of the answer,” Terje frowned. “There was a lot of things I should have asked her about. Sometimes I wonder that if maybe I’d forced her to talk about her past more…if I’d convinced her to open up…maybe it could have made a difference.”
 
“I don’t think it could,” Isak said sadly. “I don’t think it works that way.”
 
Terje’s shoulders sagged. He briefly became lost to something that was akin to grief.
 
“I still love her, you know,” he confessed. “Perhaps not in the way I once did, but, all the same. I probably always will.”
 
Isak wasn’t sure how it felt, hearing that. It would take some time before he knew.
 
“Her psychiatrist says she could be coming home in the next month,” he said, hoping it would brighten his father’s mood. “They can continue treating her as out-patient.”
 
His father smiled, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes.
 
“I’m glad,” he said. “You know, I always thought that you and your sister were all the best parts of Marianne and I. You’re better people than I’ll ever be.”
 
“Dad…” Isak shifted uncomfortably. He wasn’t used to hearing his father display so much emotion.
 
“I love you both very much.”
 
“It’s okay,” Isak cringed, “I know. You don’t have to…”
 
“No, I do,” Terje said firmly. “My father never told me, Jan or Therese that he loved us, right up until the day he died. I don’t want to make the same mistake. I’ve already made plenty of my own.”
 
Isak blushed furiously. “You’re not actually that bad. As far as parents go.”
 
Terje smiled. “It’s okay, Isak. I know you love me too.”
 
“Oh my god!” Isak hid his face in his hands. This was really too much.
 
Terje laughed. He picked up his wine glass, holding it out across the table. “Anyway, a toast. To you and Even moving in together.”
 
“And to Mum,” Isak added, picking up his glass as well, “and…to being honest?”
 
“To new beginnings?” Terje suggested, sounding hopeful.
 
Isak smiled, clinking their glasses together.
 
“To new beginnings.”
 
***

Friday, 3 March, 2017

19:15

The buzzer rang while they were watching TV in the living room, Even lying down with his legs thrown across Isak’s lap.
 
“Shit, shit, shit,” Lea’s anxious voice echoed from the open bathroom door. It was followed by a clattering sound as she sorted through her makeup.
 
“Do you want us to get it?” Isak called out to her, twisting to look over his shoulder.
 
“No!” Lea’s response was quick and panicked. She raced out of the bathroom, holding an eyeliner pen aloft. “No, don’t. That would be so awkward. You’ll freak him out.”
 
Isak glanced at Even, who rose both his eyebrows, clearly amused. He had been no help at all through this whole process. Lea had brought home more sketches with more terrible English puns from this Christian guy over the past week, and of course Even approved. He even went so far as to tell Lea that he ‘liked his style’, which had earned the biggest eye-roll ever from Isak.
 
“We still have to meet him though,” Isak said seriously. “That was the deal. And remember, you have to be back by eleven.”
 
Lea narrowed her eyes at him. “Midnight.”
 
“Eleven,” he repeated. He tried not to look at Even, who was grinning stupidly.
 
“It’s just a birthday party, Isak,” she huffed. The buzzer rang again. “Okay, fine. Eleven. I’m getting the door. Don’t say or do anything embarrassing.”
 
“Why does she think I’ll be embarrassing?” he muttered, as she hurried off.
 
Even sat up and kissed him on the cheek. “Baby, you’re not embarrassing. You’re very cool.”
 
Facetious bastard. Isak grinned and shoved his boyfriend playfully.
 
“She’ll be fine,” Even assured him. “You remember what middle school parties are like. They’ll probably just share a few cruisers and play spin the bottle.”
 
Instinctively, Isak pulled a face. He used to hate spin the bottle. And the thought of some gross, pimply fifteen-year-old dudes sitting in a circle with his little sister…
 
“Or maybe not,” Even added quickly, when he saw his reaction. “Sorry, I’m not really helping, am I?”
 
They heard the front door open, both immediately pausing to listen in. 
 
“Hey,” Lea’s voice had a slightly different tone than usual. Like she was trying to sound older.
 
“Hey,” a male voice answered.
 
An incredibly awkward, elongated silence followed.
 
“My brother and his boyfriend want to meet you,” Lea sounded flushed. “I’m sorry if that’s weird.”
 
“Oh! Uh, no. That’s fine.”
 
Isak noted that the guy sounded nervous at the prospect. Good. He locked eyes with Even before they both stood up, just as Lea and her date appeared. He wasn’t sure why, but in his head he’d been picturing Christian as an overly buff, smirky, Penetrator Chris type playboy. What he got instead was the exact opposite - a lanky, anxious kid with thick glasses, who looked as though a strong wind might blow him over. He hoped his surprise wasn’t too obvious.
 
“Hey, Christian?” Even smiled and extended a hand to him when no one else spoke. “I’m Even.”
 
Thank God for his boyfriend, Isak thought, or the three of them probably would have gone on standing there like gormless space cadets. He waited until they shook hands, then approached.
 
“Isak,” he introduced himself, not managing to smile as much as Even did, “Lea’s brother.”
 
“Christian,” the guy’s hand trembled a little bit when he held it out. It was enough to make Isak actually feel bad for him.
 
“So you guys are going to a party?” he asked conversationally.
 
“Uh, yeah,” Christian tried to meet his eyes for a second, before they darted away shyly. “Just a few people from school. It will be pretty tame.”
 
“Okay, cool,” he nodded. From the corner of his eye, he saw his sister blushing furiously. “It’s not too far from here?”
 
“No, not really. I thought we’d cycle over there on my bike,” Christian glanced at Lea. “Um, if that’s okay with you?”
 
“Sure,” Lea’s reply was overly casual.
 
“I guess you guys should get going,” Even said, after another uncomfortable pause. There was a glint in his eyes which indicated he was still finding this very entertaining. “We don’t want to keep you here all night.”
 
“Yeah, okay,” Christian seemed relieved. “It was nice meeting you both.”
 
“You too, man,” Even rose his eyebrows in Lea’s direction, which made her blush even harder.
 
“Remember, back by eleven,” Isak couldn’t resist adding, narrowing his eyes at his sister.
 
“Isak!”
 
“Oh, that’s totally fine,” Christian added hastily, “my mum wants me to be home by eleven thirty, anyway.”
 
He shook hands with both of them again. At least he was pretty polite. It didn’t come across as an act, either.
 
“Ready to go?” he asked Lea.
 
She gave him a shy smile and nodded. He started to head for the door. Lea hesitated, glancing back at Isak and Even.
 
“He seems nice,” Even said encouragingly, which seemed to make her relax a little.
 
“Remember to call us if you need to, okay?” Isak reminded her. He thought for a second, then sighed. “And…have fun.”
 
Lea’s expression softened at that, regarding him with something akin to gratefulness and affection. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, hugging him the way she had when he first came out to her, what felt like an eternity ago. She let go and then hugged Even too in the same manner.
 
“Bye,” she smiled and gave them a tiny wave, then followed Christian towards the door.
 
Once he was gone, Isak released a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding in.
 
“You did good,” Even placed a hand on his back.
 
“Yeah? It wasn’t too much?”
 
“No, it was perfect,” Even leaned in and kissed him sweetly. “Beer?”
 
“Fuck yes,” Isak laughed. He was pretty sure he’d earned it after that.
 
He followed Even into the kitchen, leaning against the wall while he watched him open the fridge and fish around inside. He was smiling to himself, which must have looked ridiculous, but he didn’t care. Even though it was a common sight now, seeing Even standing in his kitchen, wearing Isak’s oldest hoodie with the sleeves rolled up, treating this place like it was his own home, filled him with a deeper happiness than he’d ever known before. Absently, he wondered if it would ever stop being surreal. If he’d ever be able to look at this person, who he loved so much, without thinking that he couldn’t believe he was his.
 
“What?” Even laughed, seeing that he had a captive audience. He closed the fridge door, two beers held in one hand between his fingers.
 
Isak shook his head, grinning. “It’s nothing.”
 
Even narrowed his eyes at him playfully, until they were laughing together at absolutely nothing. He uncapped the bottles and handed him one.
 
“So it looks like we’re alone tonight,” he said somewhat coyly. He kept his gaze locked on Isak as he took a long drink.
 
“Looks that way,” Isak agreed, with an overly casual shrug. It hadn’t escaped his notice. Noora was crashing at Eva’s for the weekend, and Eskild had managed to convince Linn to go clubbing with him after they both finished work (Isak suspected it had been some form of blackmail). The fact that all this coincided with Lea’s party/date night was a very happy coincidence.
 
Even looked around the empty room and nodded to himself. “What do you think we should do?”
 
Isak took a swig from his beer, pretending to think long and hard. “Well, I guess we could go to that party Magnus and Vilde were talking about…”
 
Even’s eyes widened, and for a second Isak was worried his boyfriend didn’t realise he was joking.
 
“Or, I don’t know,” he smirked, “I could probably come up with some other ideas…”
 
***
 
++++
 
Isak straddled his boyfriend’s naked body on the bed, drinking in the slender but firm chest. The long, pale neck just begging to be licked and sucked. Those pretty lips, already swollen from kissing. Blue eyes that were an ocean he could easily drown in. He grazed his fingers slowly from shoulders to pecs, scratching just lightly, smirking at the soft moan that was elicited when he reached his nipples.
 
How had he gone so long without this before? He dipped down to reach Even’s mouth, kissing him with everything he had. His erection pressed into his boyfriend’s stomach as he did so, the contact against Even’s soft skin making him even harder. When it made Even moan again, he took the opportunity to slide his tongue past his lips, tasting and exploring him.
 
Even’s hands reached behind him and gripped his thighs, tantalisingly close to his ass. The guitar-made calluses on his fingertips were almost bruising when they dug in, but the urgency of his touch only made Isak want him more.
 
“You’re so hot, Even,” he murmured breathlessly when he broke their kiss, the words exiting before he even had time to think. He kissed a trail across his jaw and onto his neck, tongue darting out to lick teasingly. “Fuck, you make me so hard,” he whispered hot against the flushed skin, before he sucked it into his mouth.
 
Even liked this, he had been learning. Liked it when Isak took control during sex, driving their lovemaking, and he was more than happy to oblige. He’d slowly been gaining more confidence in bed, and felt eager to show his boyfriend just how far he’d come since their first time. He positioned his hips so that the tip of Even’s engorged dick brushed teasingly against his entrance.
 
“Issaaak,” Even drew out each syllable, long and low in the back of his throat, and Isak preened. He loved the way his name sounded on that beautiful boy’s mouth.
 
He pulled off Even’s neck, revealing a sensitive red spot. That was definitely going to leave a mark, but he wasn’t going to waste time worrying about it. He reached for the lube left nearby on the bed, squeezing some onto his fingers.
 
Even breathed heavily, waiting silently when Isak straddled him again. That adorable quiff of hair had come loose again on Even’s forehead. It made Isak smile, which awarded him the most stunning smile in return. God, his boyfriend was perfect. He ached at the thought of having Even inside him. Fucking him. He knew exactly how he wanted it, too. It was something he’d wanted for a while, but he’d been too scared to ask until now. He almost did, once, before he passed out drunk after a party. Not this time, though. This time, he was going to go for it.
 
Gently, he pushed the lube-coated fingers inside himself. He gasped at the sensation, only wincing slightly, aware of just how much pressure he was able to take. His eyes closed while he adjusted. When he opened them again, Even’s lips were parted, and he was staring at him intensely. Hungrily. His boyfriend’s hands slid up his thighs and grabbed his ass while he drove deeper into it. He imagined it was Even’s cock thrusting up into him instead, and he heard himself whimper.
 
Isak saw Even reaching for the lube, the other hand still squeezing his ass cheek, and his anticipation rose. Even let go long enough to empty some out of the tube, before both hands were back. An oiled finger slipped inside to help, stretching him out further. He pulled his own fingers out and let Even take over.
 
“Fuck, Even,” he cried out, when Even managed to hit his prostate. He rocked back onto his fingers, wanting to feel it again.
 
He almost complained when Even eventually stopped and pulled out of him, until he went for the lube and a condom instead. He looked over his shoulder at his boyfriend’s dick, the head already wet and leaking. The sight of it made him suck in his lip. He wondered what it would feel like to have Even go in raw, though he knew his boyfriend was incredibly pedantic about using protection, having it drilled into him from a young age. He watched Even’s hand slide the condom down over his length.
 
“This is kind of hard when I can’t see what I’m doing,” Even admitted with a grin.
 
“Do you want me to move?” Isak asked. He carefully gaged the other boy’s reaction.
 
Even rose his eyebrows at him suggestively. “What do you want?”
 
He could sense Even’s hand moving slowly up and down the length of his shaft behind him, coating it with the lubricant. He licked his lips.
 
“I want to stay here,” he replied. “I want you.”
 
The look Even gave him then was all he needed. His hand went behind him again to curl around Even’s dick, lifting up onto his knees, guiding it towards his entrance. He let go when Even’s hand took over, the other grasping his hip, steadying him as he lowered down.
 
“Oh fuck,” he groaned, louder than ever, as Even filled him. He took him as deep as he could, wanting all of it. Began slowly sliding up and down, inching increasingly lower every time.
 
“Are you okay?” Even’s voice was hoarse and overwhelmed. He had grabbed onto both of Isak’s hips, now, allowing him to use his hold as an anchor.
 
Was he okay? Isak let out a breathless chuckle, resting his palms gently against his boyfriend’s chest.
 
“You need to stop being so fucking considerate,” he teased, right before pushing back and taking the full length of Even’s cock inside him. He let out a noise he never thought he’d be capable of making. It was better than anything else. It was everything.
 
Isak tried to find a rhythm, moving his hips in slow, circular motions, listening to the little groans and grunts of pleasure they elicited from his boyfriend. The movements gradually grew bolder and faster, until he was bouncing up and down on Even’s dick, the hands on Even’s chest and the feeling of Even’s hands on his hips the only thing keeping him grounded.
 
“God, yes,” he keened, words spilling out of him once more, “Even…Even…”
 
He said his name again and again. His boyfriend held on tighter, then started fucking up into him in time with his movements. Isak’s head fell back. He was losing all sense of anything around him. Anything but how tight, and good, and wonderful this felt. How he wished that Even could keep thrusting into him forever.
 
He arched further backwards, shifting his hands to rest on either side of the bed behind him, angling so that Even could move more easily, penetrate deeper. They were both making wordless sounds now with every thrust, their bodies drenched with sweat. As Even pushed into him again and he pushed down, he felt Even hit that sweet spot and nearly screamed.
 
A few more strokes and Isak knew he was close. Even must have noticed too, releasing one of his hips and squeezing Isak’s throbbing cock instead. He pumped him until he was coming all over his hand and stomach, crying out Even’s name one last time. With one final, shuddering thrust he felt Even release into him as well, moaning something that might have been ‘Isak’, but could have been anything else as well.
 
It was a few seconds before either of them tried to move. They were both a mess, covered in seamen and sweat, struggling to catch their breath. Even was well and truly wrecked, and Isak was certain he must have looked the same. As he came down from the high of his orgasm, he started to feel a little embarrassed by how carried away he’d gotten. He blushed when he tried to look into Even’s eyes, but was reassured by that beautiful smile once again. The unfaltering adoration that was written so plainly on his face.
 
He lifted off slowly, Even holding onto the base of his dick to help make it easier. Isak grimaced as he shifted out of his position, lying back down on the bed.
 
“Leg cramp, I think,” he explained, when Even appeared concerned. His boyfriend winced sympathetically. He waited until Even had taken the condom off and cleaned himself up, before curling into his side.
 
++++
 
“That was…wow,” Even seemed to lack the words, laughing at his own incoherency.
 
“Wow,” Isak repeated, grinning through his exhaustion. He rested his head on his favourite spot on Even’s shoulder, elbow bent and arm lying on his chest. They were both still sticky and sweaty, but he couldn’t have cared less. “I’ve wanted to try that for a while, actually.”
 
“Really?” he felt Even trying to look at him, lips grazing against his hair. He nodded and they smiled. “Feel free to suggest more ideas, if you want. It’s worked out pretty well for me so far.”
 
Isak giggled. He tiled his head just enough to lazily kiss Even’s chest, receiving a kiss on his forehead in return. Fingers gently stroked at his hair. He knew he could fall asleep like this, without a second thought.
 
“How long until we have to get dressed?” he asked, somewhat regretfully.
 
Even leaned over to check his phone, careful not to move Isak too much.
 
“Like an hour and a half, I think,” he said. “Maybe make it an hour, to be safe. We can chill here for a bit, before we’d need to take a shower.”
 
“Cold shower,” Isak reminded him, laughing wryly.
 
“It might be lukewarm,” Even grinned, “I’m optimistic.”
 
***

Saturday, 4 March, 2017

15:24

“They’re here,” Isak whispered in his boyfriend’s ear, eyes on the door.
 
The couple that had just walked into the studio apartment had, without fail, been at every single house inspection Isak and Even had attended that afternoon. Two women in their mid-twenties, one with curly auburn hair, and a slightly taller brunette. The brunette noticed them first and her brows furrowed. She rested a hand on her girlfriend’s back, whispering something in her hair.
 
“Shit,” Even muttered, “I was really hoping they didn’t know about this place.”
 
This tiny apartment was easily the nicest place on their list. Even though they were only looking out of curiosity for now, Isak could tell that this was a rare find. Affordable, close to everything they needed it to be, full of light and overall in a pretty good condition. Compared to everything else they’d seen so far, this was heaven. Sure, the four flights of stairs they’d have to climb each day could get annoying, but Isak would take that over mould in the bathroom any day of the week.
 
“I think we need to come up with a tactical play,” Isak said seriously. Their main competition were now circling the tiny but quaint living-slash-sleeping area, and he could tell they were thinking the same things he was.
 
Even spluttered, touching his arm tenderly. “Okay,” he played along, “what do you suggest?”
 
Isak chewed on his lip thoughtfully. He reached for his boyfriend’s hand. “Follow my lead.”
 
He walked over to where the other couple were standing next to the window, dragging Even behind him.
 
“Not much of a view, is it?” he said disdainfully, as he stared outside. He turned to look at the women and gave them his most charming smile.
 
The brunette didn’t seem too impressed. She smiled politely nonetheless. “Lots of natural light, though.”
 
Isak shrugged nonchalantly. “Yeah, I guess. Not that there’s much space to light up. It’s pretty tiny.”
 
“That’s true,” the redhead conceded, looking into her girlfriend’s eyes, “it’s a really small apartment. And the neighbours are all right on top of each other. I bet you could hear everything through these walls.”
 
“I think I saw the people next door going into their apartment with a pram,” Isak laughed. “Imagine if they have a screaming kid, up at all hours of the night. That would be the worst.”
 
Even rose his eyebrows at him, knowing full well that he’d seen no such thing. Isak ignored him.
 
“So I guess you’re not going to put your names down for this place?” the brunette asked.
 
“I don’t know,” Isak glanced at Even, “it’s got a lot of problems. It might not be worth it, if you ask me.”
 
“We should have a think, too,” the redhead said, touching her girlfriend’s arm.
 
The brunette narrowed her eyes in his direction. Isak was pretty sure she could see right through him, which was unfortunate.
 
“Excuse us,” she put her arm around the redhead’s shoulders, steering her away from them.
 
“I don’t think she fell for that,” Even laughed.
 
Isak grinned back at him. “It was worth a shot. Want to see the kitchen?”
 
The kitchen was small, but larger than Isak would have expected, which he could tell made Even happy. His boyfriend walked around and opened all the cupboards and drawers for the hell of it, even turning the sink taps on and off.
 
“It’s really nice,” he said definitively when he was finished, leaning against one of the counters.
 
“It is,” Isak agreed, somewhat disappointedly. He knew they were only looking today.
 
His boyfriend smiled at him in sympathy, perhaps trying to cheer him up.
 
“So the way I see it, that main room can be for eating, sleeping and hanging out,” he explained, “and this room is for cooking, dancing and serenading you.”
 
Isak groaned. “Yeah, no. We’re supposed to be mature adults now, remember? That means no more dancing and singing stupid pop songs.”
 
“Are you sure?” Even smirked teasingly. He started bobbing his head in time to imaginary music, humming the tune to ‘5 Fine Frøkner’.
 
“Please stop,” Isak folded his arms, biting the inside of his mouth so he wouldn’t smile. How did he end up with such a dork?
 
“I think you secretly like this,” Even came up directly in front of Isak, still dancing and embarrassing the hell out of him.
 
Isak rolled his eyes, as exaggerated as possible. “No, I don’t.”
 
A man who had been inspecting the apartment wandered into the kitchen at that moment. He froze in his tracks when he saw Even dancing, becoming flustered when he realised he had no idea how to react.
 
“Just so you know, I don’t know this weirdo,” Isak told him earnestly. “Never seen him before in my life.”
 
The man blinked a few times, then laughed nervously, before immediately backing out of the room again. Even lost it, collapsing against Isak’s shoulder, laughing so hard he was shaking.
 
“You okay there?” Isak asked in bewilderment, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s back. “At least your weirdness is getting rid of the competition.”
 
“My dancing isn’t that bad,” he protested, once he’d recovered.
 
“It’s pretty bad, Even.”
 
The bubbly real estate agent who had greeted them at the door walked in while they were still giggling and hugging against the counter. She beamed broadly, the picture of professionalism.
 
“What do you boys think so far?”
 
They untangled from each other and stood up properly. Isak coughed into his hand.
 
“It’s awesome,” Even told her, glancing at Isak and making him blush. “I love how much light there is.”
 
The agent nodded eagerly. “Do you have any questions for me about the space?”
 
Isak thought for a moment. Yesterday, his father had sent him a text containing a ridiculously long list of questions he should ask during rental inspections, but of course he hadn’t really bothered to read it.
 
“When can new tenants move in?” Even asked.
 
“Well, the current tenants will be moving out at the end of the month,” the agent informed them. “We expect the apartment can be available from early April.”
 
“That’s a good while away,” Even remarked, looking hopefully at Isak.
 
Isak grinned. “We could move in during the Easter break.”
 
“It sounds like you both are interested,” the agent said happily. “The inspection is ending soon, but I’ll have some forms ready at the door, if you want to register an application.”
 
“Thanks,” Isak answered.
 
As she walked away, his head was already filling with images of what their lives might be, if this apartment was theirs. Of lazy Sunday mornings playing FIFA in bed. Of Even cooking and singing to him in this kitchen (okay, maybe he did like it after all). Of the boys coming over for pre-games, talking and laughing together around their table. Of Sana visiting for study sessions. Of their families dropping by. Their Kollektiv family. Lise and Petter. Henry and Elina, with their boys. His Aunt Anita. Lea. Terje. Marianne.
 
“What do you think?” he asked Even, knowing he was probably beaming like a complete fool. “Should we go for it?”
 
Even nodded instantly, leaning over to kiss him. “There’s just one thing I want to try first. One last test, to make sure it’s perfect.”
 
Isak frowned, puzzled. “A test?”
 
“It’s a bit lame,” Even admitted, sounding hesitant. “Don’t laugh, okay?”
 
Curiously, Isak followed him out back into the living area, which was now almost completely empty of people. He pulled something out of his jacket pocket, flattening it and holding it against the wall. He studied it silently for a few seconds, before nodding to himself, as though he had made up his mind.
 
“Okay, yeah,” he said, “I think that looks like it belongs here.”
 
Isak came up behind him, so that he could see. He smiled wide, when he realised what it was.

Alt er love.