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Hi, I’m Disembodied Dramatic Space Voice, but you can just refer to me as The Narrator.All of you are probably reading this because you want to hear a holy shit amazing tale of future worldwide orgies, general awesomeness, and rock fuck! Wait, excuse me sir? You thought this was a spelling bee? Alright Geoffrey, you may want to leave. No, you can’t have any of the free snacks on the way out. The nerve of some people.Anyway, before we begin I’m ‘legally’ obliged to tell you that… This story is, unfortunately, 100% unreal. And not like “Dude, you’re unreal!” kind of unreal, it’s the “this is completely made up” kind of unreal. A damn shame if you ask me, because my GOD is this a fan-fucking-tastic story.In actual fact, this is based upon a song by the incredible Ninja Sex Party. In other words, the universe and characters depicted are not owned by me, I’m merely borrowing them, creating a retelling one might argue…So, are we all comfortable? No, okay we’re starting anyway so tough luck.Somewhere deep in the slow, eternal dance of the heavens drifts a planet called simply “Earth”
No no, that’s not Earth.
Still not right.
There we go. And among the otherwise unremarkable population of this planet are two incredible heroes…
Well, everyone has an off day…
… Or two…
Okay, would you let me fucking finish! two incredible heroes, destined to save the future from itself!
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Ninja Brian was meditating upon his throne… Because every psychotic Ninja relaxes on a throne, that’s general knowledge really. He was taking it easy after a mass killing spree, contemplating what he could do with the rest of his day. He could kill Danny, catch up on some reading, kill Danny, do some work on that sweater he was knitting, kill Danny… So much to choose from!Come to think of it, Brian hadn’t seen Danny since he got home. ‘Meh,’ He thought 'he’s probably out trying to seduce hot chicks.’
*BANG*
… Or not. 'What the fuck is he doing?’
A mop of hair with a Danny attached popped up.
“Hey Ninja Brian, I made a time machine spaceship. You… wanna go on it?”
Little known fact about Danny; he’s actually kind of smart, underneath all of the general goofiness and raw sexual being that he is. So it came as no surprise to Brian that Danny had woken up that morning and thought 'hey, I bet I can get up to all sorts of sexy shenanigans in space/the past/the future, let’s build a time machine spaceship!’
Ninja Brian gave Danny a shrug of the shoulders, it could be fun. He guessed there’d be more people and/or aliens to kill in space/the past/the future. Actually, yeah, of course he wanted to go on the spaceship. Such an obvious answer. Duh.
He saw a spark of giddiness in Danny’s eyes, quickly covered up with an air of suave charm.
“Yeah, okay cool.”
… Wait a minute, was he wearing a spacesuit a second ago? How did he… Oh never mind. Anyway, Brian threw down a smoke bomb and they were off!
The Space Shaft (as Danny had dubbed it) set off, soaring through the galaxy. Brian had taken over the main controls, while Danny opted to rock out in the co-pilot chair.
“Ninja Brian, this is taking foooooooreeeeeeeveeeeeer!” Danny whined, “what speed are we going at?”
Brian gestured towards the speed lever.
“The speed of light!? No wonder we’re going nowhere fast, we’re not even going stupid fast! Ninja Brian, we need to take this up to the max!”
Wait, the max? Surely he’s not talking about…
“We need to go at the speed of Brian!”
… Oh dear lord. Ninja Brian cranked up the speed… And there goes Danny, flying back off of his seat. This is why you wear seat-belts kids.
After a couple of moments Danny recovers, getting back to his co-pilot chair.
“Brian, fucking warn a dude!”
Ninja Brian continued drinking his cup of tea… Wait when did he… I’ve got to stop being shocked at these things, havn’t I? Anyway, whilst Brian enjoyed his hot beverage, Danny started up the autopilot.
“Computer.”
The computer screens around the boys came to life, with the side monitors showing off some of NSP’s past sexcapades. The central monitor showed the face of a young woman with short pink hair. This was the Space Shaft’s 10th-generation artificial intelligence, Holly. She has an IQ of 6,000, an amazing sense of humour, and a fondness for birds.
“All right tweethearts, how’s it going?”
“Fucking awesome Hols. I need you to set a sexy course for the sexiest year”
“You mean-”
“Hell yeah! The year 6969!!!!!”