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Jack Hodgson knew who Harry Cunningham was. Of course he did. He was the man who had “broken Nikki’s heart”.Clarissa’s words, not Jack’s, although delivered in her usual dry manner with an arch of an eyebrow to acknowledge the cliché. So, Jack knew something about Harry almost right from the start – and it was a big something. Because Harry must have been a remarkable person to capture the heart of Nikki Alexander without ending up as just another brief flirtation or a stormy, short-lived relationship, best forgotten. He might even have been “the one and only” for Nikki if things had worked out differently. Clarissa’s words again.When he had first met Nikki, Jack had, of course, immediately noticed how beautiful she was. In his experience, you didn’t usually meet a cool, blonde beauty at the average crime scene – and certainly not working as the on-scene pathologist. After an initial appreciative once-over, he’d written her off in his mind as probably married or at least romantically attached, and certainly not interested in a gangling, fight-scarred, smart-arse forensic scientist. As the days passed, his impressions hadn’t changed much, even once he’d realised that she was single.There was something mysterious about Nikki in the early days. Something about the way her eyes would flit towards his desk as if expecting to see something – or someone – there, and then dart away just as quickly. Something about the look of concern on Leo’s face when Jack asked about the lurid yellow scrubs he’d found in a locker one day and Nikki muttered, without lifting her head from her notes, that he could just chuck them away.“An old head on young shoulders.” Clarissa again, expounding on her opinion of Nikki after their initial meeting. (Not that Jack had asked her to – he could form his own impressions, thank you very much. But he listened all the same). “She’s had to grow up far too soon, that one.”Nikki was actually only a handful of years older than him, but she made Jack feel incredibly young. And gauche, and foolish, and clumsy - and he thought he’d got through all that awkwardness in his adolescence… but she was so graceful and well turned out and poised and just – well. Perfect. She was also clearly passionate about her work, almost obsessively so at times, which might have explained the lack of a romantic partner. Having initially decided that she was out of reach - or at least out of his league - Jack’s second assumption was that Nikki simply wasn’t interested in relationships.It turned out he was wrong about that too. There was her friendship with Leo, for a start. And then… one day, Jack had been sorting through some old paperwork that had been left in his desk and had come across a couple of photographs. One was of Leo clutching his award from the Palace and flanked by Nikki and a tall, dark man, all three of them grinning like banshees. Another was just of Nikki and the man, arms around each other. He was rolling his eyes humorously at the camera, as if in collusion with the photographer (Leo?), while Nikki looked up at him, her face caught in silent laughter. Her lips were close to his cheek and she’d either just kissed him or was about to. Jack was struck by the mischievous sparkle in her eyes. They looked like a couple – he protective and caring, she flirty and affectionate.He’d shown them to Clarissa, whose eyebrows had shot even further north, and then passed them to Leo, who was just on his way out.“Oh, yes -,” the older man had responded, taking them from Jack with a slight frown. “I remember that day… That’s Harry Cunningham, your predecessor at that desk. Moved to New York. I’m surprised he didn’t -.” He broke off and slid them into his jacket pocket. “Um, by the way, I shouldn’t mention them to Nikki. She’s still a little sore about the whole thing.”Jack might have asked why, but sensed he didn’t need to. Leo’s averted eyes and hurried manner told him all he needed to know. And, judging by Clarissa’s significant expression as her eyes followed their boss out of the office, she had guessed Nikki’s secret too.So, Harry Cunningham. The ghost in the corner. The silent presence that put that pensive expression on Nikki’s face whenever she was idle at her desk, not knowing that she was being observed. The reason why she continued to flit from man to man, some of them more suitable than others in Jack’s opinion, but none of them really good enough for her. As they grew closer, became friends, he realised that Nikki was much, much more than an unusually pretty pathologist or a perfectly turned-out professional woman. She was, by turns, impulsive, generous, fiercely intelligent, funny, lively, quick to anger, quick to empathy, never slow to forgive. Her compassionate heart shone through those large brown eyes that had stared the very worst of humanity in the face, but could still look past the imperfections and find the very best.And so, Jack realised, Harry must be a remarkable man to have captured Nikki’s love. And also bloody lucky, he added wryly. He was under no illusions – he might pass the odd flirtatious comment and she might laugh and respond in kind, but he was no replacement for Harry Cunningham.They never talked about Harry. That was odd, really – after so many years working together and on some quite dramatic cases (Clarissa had looked up Harry’s employment records and summarised for Jack, who wasn’t really listening, of course), you’d have thought that his name would have come up constantly in fond reminiscences between the two pathologists - “remember when Harry did that, and I said this, and it turned out that…”. But no. It was as if he had never existed.And then, Leo had been killed in the most awful of circumstances.Jack had fully expected Harry to turn up for the funeral. He must have heard about his colleague’s death – it was in all the national newspapers. He presumed Nikki had invited him along with Leo’s old colleagues and friends. Sam Ryan had sent a sympathy card and a letter of regret – she was having radiotherapy for stage 1 breast cancer and couldn’t travel, but would come over to meet Nikki and visit Leo’s grave as soon as she had recovered. However, there was no card from Harry – none that Jack or Clarissa ever saw, anyway – and he didn’t make an appearance on the day.Two days after the funeral, Nikki had returned to work, and Jack had watched her standing silently by Leo’s desk, resting her hand lightly on the polished wood. His heart ached for her as he remembered Clarissa’s words “an old head on young shoulders”.As the years passed, Harry’s ghost seemed to fade almost to nothing. But, for Jack, it still lingered as a faint suggestion, as each promising romance faded away and Nikki remained resolutely single. There was still the possibility that Harry would suddenly come to his senses, return to the Lyell and sweep Nikki into his arms.Jack had often wondered what would happen if he phoned the man. Professor Cunningham would easy enough to track down; he’d made his mark in research publications since leaving the Lyell and was well-known in pathology circles. What would Jack say to him? What would he even ask? Why Harry hadn’t turned up at an old friend’s funeral? Why he hadn’t been there to offer much-needed comfort to Nikki, who’d had to rely instead on the awkward kindness of Jack and Clarissa? Why he had continued to stay away over the years, never phoning or texting or promising to drop in for a friendly catch-up the next time he was in the country? All those things that old colleagues say and do… old friends, or whatever it was that Harry and Nikki were to each other.What could possibly make him come back, if Leo’s death hadn’t been enough? He must have known how much Nikki had suffered - how could he bear not to be there by her side? Jack couldn’t even consider that this Harry Cunningham was as stone-hearted as he seemed – Nikki would never have fallen in love with someone like that. The Nikki he knew was far too intelligent, too sensitive, too perfect to ever make the mistake of falling so completely for someone who wasn’t remotely worthy of her.Would Harry have come back if he had known that she had been buried in a coffin for hours, in a state of absolute terror, fully expecting to die at any moment? In the hospital that they rushed her to, as Jack had held her bruised hand as gently as he could while she was assessed and treated for dehydration and shock, he had never felt more tempted to pick up his phone, ring that number in New York, and fling angry accusations at a man he had never met. She shouldn’t even be here, he’d raged at Harry in his own head. If you’d done the decent thing, you’d probably be married now with kids, and she’d be living a normal life. Not getting drugged and having to kill scorpions and dig herself out of a tomb, because I was too slow to get there in time and too damn stupid to realise what she was up to…Knowing Nikki, I should have guessed… You would have…Even after they had flown back to the UK, he found that his rage towards this invisible Harry always came full circle, back to himself, for not being fast enough or clever enough or cunning enough… For not being Harry Cunningham – the man who could make Nikki laugh while goofing around in a photo; the man who could put the sparkle back in her eyes with just a smile or a joke.Because, the one thing he knew now… was that he desperately wanted to be that man.
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"Why didn't Nikki come back with you?"Jack paused before answering. "She just… she wanted… I don't know."Thomas frowned. "Because I asked you to bring her home. I expected you to make sure she was safe. What's she playing at now?"Jack kept his attention on the computer screen. He was just aware at the corner of his vision of the sudden tension in Clarissa's hands. It was this more than anything else that stopped him from snapping at Thomas. How the bloody hell should I know what she's playing at? Why do you expect me to know more about her than you do? Aren't you her manager?He clenched his fists, breathed deeply through his nose, and lifted his head to face Thomas. "I think she just needed a break."Thomas snorted. "I would have thought she'd had enough of travelling. Oh well, she's on sick leave until further notice, anyway. Let me know if you hear from her."Jack leaned back in his chair, glaring at his boss as he walked back into his office.Clarissa gave a meaningful cough and tapped on the desk to draw his attention back to the evidence she'd been talking him through. When he didn't immediately respond, she let out a gentle sigh and wheeled herself away from the desk.Jack stared at the screen, biting his lower lip as he remembered those last hours in Mexico.He was in the hospital foyer, having just got off the phone from rearranging the date of their return flights. Turning around, he saw Nikki walking towards him, clutching a bottle of water."They discharged you? Already?""Of course." She gave him an odd look. "Why would they keep me in? No serious injuries, and I've been treated for the hydration. I'm fine."He looked at her strained, white face. Some kind of fine…"OK… well, I rebooked our flights. We're going home tomorrow. I booked a room at the hotel airport – only one though, since I had assumed you'd be in overnight -."She broke in. "But I wanted to go back to the centre, to see Luisa…"In truth, Jack hadn't given their friend much thought during the last few hours. He had been running on adrenaline since Nikki's disappearance – still was. His emotions had run the gamut of black despair to a state of utter, delirious relief when the message had come through. One of Gustavo's friends had received a call from some local fishermen, and they had raced to the beach to find Nikki sitting in the shallows - dazed, wet, dusty, and covered in scratches, but miraculously alive.Jack hadn't even bothered to argue with her or anyone else about what they should do; he'd rung the British embassy and informed them in no uncertain terms that as they'd been less than bloody helpful in locating a kidnapped British citizen, they could at least step up now. And they had. A helicopter had been sent and Nikki had been admitted to a private hospital for treatment within the hour.He hadn't really cared who he'd offended at that moment and didn't much care now. It wasn't that he wasn't relieved about Luisa and her friends… but there was only so much his head could take. Keeping busy was the key. If he stopped for a single moment and tried to examine his current emotions, he didn't know whether he'd be able to cope much longer… and he needed to cope. Right now, he needed to be strong for Nikki. It was best not to even go there – not until they were safely home."Get her back," Thomas had said. And he would. He might have failed to find her, but he wouldn't fail in this.At the hospital, once he'd satisfied himself that she was reasonably comfortable and getting good care, he'd got busy. First, he'd contacted Thomas, currently in transit in the USA, and they had both agreed that the pathologist might as well turn straight around instead of travelling onwards, since Jack and Nikki wouldn't be that far behind him. He'd then gone back to the centre to collect his and Nikki's belongings. There was a mood of muted celebration there – tears and laughter as families were reunited. He'd seen Luisa briefly, but she was occupied with her father and he had no time to wait. A few people had congratulated him on finding Nikki; he'd brushed them off as politely as possible before leaving again."Can't you ring her instead? I don't think there's time to go back."She paused, seeming a little confused. Her appearance frightened him. She looked…blank. Absent. Actually worse than she had looked when they'd found her on the beach. There had been a few precious moments of elation, of shed tears, of shared relief to be back together. She'd even laughed and made some weak joke when he'd swept her up in his arms to carry her to the car. But now… it was as if shock had set in. Understandable, of course, but he was no psychiatrist, and he needed to get her safely home. His wish was almost a compulsion, not least because he knew he wouldn't be able to relax until they touched down at Heathrow.He sighed. "Nikki, I'm not so sure it's a good idea to go back there. You know they probably want us to leave as quietly as possible. We're drawing too much attention. It's…" he paused, eyeing her nervously. "You know it's not over – not for them. Maybe it'll never be over, but there's nothing either of us can do about that. Please - let's just go home. We can go straight to the hotel and you can get some sleep. I've already picked up your bags."He expected a flash of the old Nikki spirit – an insistence that she would be alright, that she wanted to see Luisa again, that he shouldn't fuss. That would have been normal, not this strange coldness.She looked at him without quite meeting his eyes. "You're probably right."And that was off too. Not even an attempt to argue, and she followed him almost meekly out of the hospital and into a taxi. She remained silently composed throughout an uncomfortable night at the hotel (where he took the sofa, having not had the foresight to book a second room).He didn't get much sleep, and he didn't think she did either – the room was over-hot, the air thick with unspoken emotions, and his heart was still beating as hard as it had been just a few hours ago when she was lost to him, potentially forever. Why was it that he found it easier to talk to her over a phone during an extreme life-or-death situation than while face-to-face in safety and relative comfort? Was that always to be the nature of his friendship with Nikki – could they only ever truly connect during times of danger?It was at Houston in transit that she had rebelled by announcing, abruptly but with the same odd detachment, that she would be flying to New York instead of continuing to London with him."But why? That's crazy! C'mon, be reasonable!" He grabbed her wrist, trying almost desperately to shake her out of her mood. "You need to get back home! We both do. After what you've been through… you need a proper rest."She pulled her arm out of his grasp, but gently, as if to avoid hurting him. "I do – I do need rest… That's why I'm going to New York.""But what -?" He stopped. It had been on the tip of his tongue to ask what there was for her in New York, but then he realised. Not what, but who.She looked up at him, again not quite meeting his eyes. "I can't explain it – not right now. You just need to – to tell Thomas I… I'll be back when I can."She leaned towards him and tilted her head up to kiss his cheek, as she had done so many times before, but her lips missed their target, partly because he had jerked his face away almost on instinct. He didn't know why he'd done that. She paused, and something akin to physical pain passed over her face for the briefest of moments before she turned away.He stood and watched her go, not bothering to argue any further. What business was it of his to stop her anyway?Jack jumped as a mug of coffee was dumped a little clumsily onto the desk in front of him. Clarissa was propped next to him, looking at the computer screen."I was just wondering what was so fascinating about a comparison of nicotine levels in vaping mixtures," she murmured, apparently engrossed by the spreadsheet data."Oh, ha ha." He locked the screen and swivelled to face her. "If you've got something to say, don't let any consideration for my feelings stop you.""I never do. By the way, you could say thank you for the coffee, Jack.""Thank you for the coffee Jack," he parroted, picking up the mug. In truth, he was a little touched; he knew how much she would have struggled making it. However hard she tried to minimize her disability in the workplace, there were simple tasks that could tax her strength.She sat back in her wheelchair, eyeing him with something approaching sympathy. "I won't ask what happened. I know it hasn't been great… But where did she go? I mean, New York obviously, but specifically?""I don't know. That's the truth." He sighed. "She didn't say, and what business is it of mine?"Clarissa narrowed her eyes at him and then shook her head. "And the sad thing is that you really believe that, don't you?""What are you on about? She's a colleague – she has a right to privacy -.""Oh, come on, Jack!" She leaned forward a little; he stared at his boots to avoid her all-seeing eyes. "I think you're a little more than a colleague to Nikki. Or you should be. What you've been through, what we've all been through together, but particularly the two of you… She owes you a little more explanation, I think."His head shot up at that, almost offended on Nikki's behalf. "She doesn't owe me anything!""Look - I'm as fond of Nikki as you – actually no, scrap that, because clearly I'm not." She smirked briefly and leaned back in her chair. "I am fond of Nikki – she's a brilliant pathologist, a supportive colleague and a good friend. I am not, however, blind to her faults. On this occasion, I can't help feeling that she's – maybe slightly - taken you for granted."He sighed, letting his shoulders slump. "You weren't there, you don't know… What she went through – I don't think any of us could ever fully understand. Don't you see? She was in the dark, buried, completely alone…""Not completely alone. She had you."He laughed, rubbing his face. "Yeah, sure, she had me. On the end of a phone, lying to her because I couldn't bear to tell her that we weren't coming. Some help I was."Clarissa paused. "You don't actually know how much help you were. You haven't talked to her about it – have you?"He shook his head. "No chance. I was too busy trying to get her home." And I couldn't even do that."Yeah…see, I know you, Jack. When you get stressed, you have to be doing something. You were probably so busy organising things that you didn't notice what was happening to Nikki.""Well, what else was I supposed to do!"She sighed. "I can't answer that. No outsider could." At his look of confusion, she clarified, "I mean, this is between you and Nikki, no one else. I've got my own relationship with her and so has Thomas. If one of us had been there, we might have approached her differently, but neither of us can tell you what your instinct should have been." She shrugged. "Maybe she just needed a hug."He laughed slightly; a small, bitter huff. "I think this one goes beyond a hug, to be honest with you.""You sure? Because I've been on the receiving end of a Jack Hodgson hug from time to time, and it's done wonders for my mood. Now, don't get cocky."He grinned at her, feeling better despite himself. "I never do.""But anyway… I'm concerned about you. And don't get cocky about that, either. She…it pains me to say it because she is a friend, but I don't always like what she does to you."He frowned. "How so?"Clarissa paused, seeming to choose her words with care. "You've changed since you met her – in many ways for the better, but… Look, all I'm saying is that the relationship you have with her – if I didn't know either of you, or I was observing you together for the first time, I would be absolutely stunned if I found out you weren't a couple.""We're not – we've never -.""Oh, for God's sake, I know that! You think I wouldn't be able to work it out? I know you too well! I'm only saying that if I didn't know better…. I've never seen you look at anyone the way you look at her. And, frankly, there have been times when I've felt it might be mutual, going by the way she looks at you.""Does she?" was all he could think of to say in reply to this.She gave him an old-fashioned look. "Come on, Jack. You're not that blind, so don't pretend you haven't noticed something. You've both been tiptoeing around this for years.""And I suppose you think I should do something about it." He tried to keep his tone light.She shrugged. "I can't tell you that. If you did start a relationship, part of me would be genuinely happy for you. You're very different as people, but you do seem to gel in some odd way. Part of me would be worried. There's a reason why Max and I try to avoid working together – we'd be arguing all the time. And what if it all went wrong? Could you carry on working together? But that's by the by. My real concern is that what you have now – this maybe, maybe not thing – it isn't doing you any good."He rubbed his head again. "Ok, call me dense if you like, but you're going to have to work with me here. What exactly are you trying to say?"She paused for a moment before saying abruptly, "How many times have you dropped something and gone running just because Nikki rang you?"He was confused, this hadn't been what he'd expected at all. "I don't understand…""No really, how many times? I know how frequently you've skipped the gym, and then there was that time you bailed on dinner with us because you needed to take a pizza over to 'cheer her up' after a tough case.""You sound almost jealous." It was a mild taunt, but he half meant it. There was something a little dark in her voice…She paused, clearly thinking about it, and then laughed. "Yes, that's fair enough. Maybe I am jealous, just a little. Not like that, of course. But after all, I was your best friend first.""And I hope you still know that I'd always come running if you ever needed me."She smiled at him. "I know you would…maybe not for quite the same reason… But how many times have you put your life on hold for her? And when? At weekends? In the middle of the night? Have you ever broken a date – not that there have been many of those lately – just because Nikki Alexander 'needed' you?"He opened his mouth to form an indignant response, then stopped, frowning.It was true that over the years, he and Nikki had grown closer, particularly so after Leo's death. After-work drinks had become a matter of course, unless one of them had a prior engagement. His phone was always on, day or night, and if her name flashed up on the screen, he'd answer it without a moment's hesitation. On more than one occasion, he'd switched off a pan of boiling pasta or turned off a TV programme he was enjoying, to grab his keys and wallet and head out of the door, no matter what time – and he never resented her for it.It went both ways, though – she quite often popped over to his flat, clutching a takeaway and a bottle of wine simply because she knew he'd had an unusually tough day. It was a little unfair of Clarissa to suggest otherwise."When you put it like that…"She nodded. "It doesn't sound healthy, does it? Not for either of you. Not for a colleague.""And a friend," he pointed out, quickly.She shook her head. "Even for a friend. That's what I meant before, when I said that you and Nikki were more than just colleagues - or friends. Ok, maybe that's how it works for the two of you, but does it make you happy? You're putting your life on hold here, Jack. You're not getting any younger.""Well, thanks for that," he quipped.She shook her head, wearily. "You know what I mean. Much as I hate to inflate your ego any further, I feel obliged to point out that you're not actually that bad to look at. You're solvent, you've got your own flat in central London, you're a reasonably charming person. So, where's the wife and two-point-four kids? Where's the happy home life?""I'm not unhappy.""Maybe not actively so, but you're not happy either. Actually, that's not quite true – you're happy sometimes. Definitely happy - whenever you're with Nikki. But, in general, you're not – what's the word I'm thinking of? Content – that's it. You're not content."He frowned at her. "You've really thought about this, haven't you? How long have you felt like this?""I don't really know… it's crept up in a way. Things around here haven't been the same since Leo, of course. It's not Thomas' fault, but you and Nikki – neither of you have really got over Leo. You worry about her, naturally." Her expression softened. "Look, you know I care about you – Max does too. And the look on your face since you came back from Mexico… You have some idea about where she's gone, don't you? Some suspicion?"He heaved a shaky sigh before admitting quietly, "I think she's gone to see Harry Cunningham. I don't know for sure."Clarissa was silent for so long that he looked up. Her gaze was distant, and she was nodding slightly. "Yes…that could be.""I wish I knew what he was to her," he whispered, almost to himself."I'm not so sure you'd really want to know," was the wry response, but her eyes were kind.They both jumped slightly, as Thomas came back into the room. "Panic over! She's on her way back. That was her on the phone just now." He paused, his eyes taking them in. "You OK?"Clarissa answered for them both. "Yes, just double-checking something."He nodded, brisk again. "Sure. Well, anyway, I've told her she's not to come back on any account, not until we have clearance from occupational health that she's fit to work. I can't begin to imagine what she's been through…"Jack waited until the doors swished closed behind their boss. "What were you going to tell me to do? About Nikki, I mean?"Clarissa turned her wheelchair away, business-like again. "I think you need to settle it. One way or another. I think you need to be sure of exactly what you want. If Nikki is the one – then get on with it. As soon as she's back, tell her how you really feel."He swallowed nervously. Easier said than done. "Not sure I can do that, to be honest."That earned him a glare. "Then maybe it's time you grew a pair." She relented at the look on his face. "Look, even if it hurts, surely it's better to know, one way or the other? In the highly unlikely event that she doesn't feel the same way…well, in that case, for your own sanity, you need to keep just a little more distance. I mean it, Jack. You need to look after yourself too."It was on the tip of his tongue to say that it'd be impossible to keep his distance from Nikki, but she wheeled away quickly, with the air of someone who'd drawn a line under the subject.His initial instinct was to ignore Clarissa's advice. She'd said it herself – this was between Nikki and himself. Neither she nor Thomas could really understand what was going on, and it wasn't their business anyway. He was used to being there whenever Nikki needed him. He didn't mind…did he?Clarissa had made it sound as if he was some kind of adoring slave that Nikki selfishly called on whenever she had no one else to turn to…but she was wrong. She had fundamentally misunderstood the nature of their relationship - the natural give-and-take of late-night phone calls and takeaways, of anticipated needs for cups of coffee, of meaningful smiles that said so much without words, of casual touches that said I've got your back. It was different with Clarissa – their friendship had always been utterly honest and straightforward. With Nikki, so much more was left unsaid – and other people, even Clarissa, couldn't fully understand that.And yet…Why had she rung Thomas to say she was on the way home? He was her boss, of course, but Jack couldn't help feeling a little hurt that she hadn't at least messaged him as well.In fact, it had to be the longest period since he'd known her with no contact between them whatsoever. Now he thought about it, how many days had passed since she'd walked away from him at the airport? Not even an "I'm in New York and I'm fine" text, just to put his mind at rest. What if she hadn't been fine, what if something had happened to her and he hadn't known? Didn't she know what it would have done to him, especially after Mexico? Didn't she care how he felt?Was Harry Cunningham so important, so time-consuming, that she had forgotten Jack?Perhaps Clarissa was right. He had two choices.Either he should have it out with her - finally confess that he'd been horribly, stupidly, desperately in love with her almost since the day they met, and throw himself on her mercy. And it would be mercy too, and probably pity, because why would someone as perfect as Nikki Alexander even look at him as anything other than a friend? He couldn't kid himself – it was obvious. Harry might have left the Lyell, but when she was at her most vulnerable, it had been him that she'd gone running to.Or he should withdraw to protect himself. He should try to move on and make a life for himself.When his phone rang late that night and her name flashed up, he looked at the screen and found himself doing something that would have been utterly unthinkable just a few hours before.The phone rang plaintively a few times more. He lay back on his bed and stared at the ceiling until it stopped.
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Jack woke with a start, his heart thumping as he sat up abruptly. The memory of terrified screams echoed in his ears as he ran a shaking hand over his eyes. He let out a long breath, consciously trying to relax the muscles in his neck and shoulders. He flexed his hands and winced, looking at the bruising on his knuckles – the sight brought back the memory of last night. Of sitting and staring at Nikki’s startled, frightened face in the flashing lights from the approaching police cars – the blood dripping from her nose. The screams hadn’t been from last night. He had a vague memory of Nikki shouting at him to stop as he continued to punch Brian Hawke, of her startled gasp as the man lashed out in her direction, of her harsh, quick breaths when he finally knocked Hawke out and collapsed on the ground next to him.Strangely, his sleep problems had grown worse once he knew Nikki was back in the country.Before, he’d been in a state of suspense. Almost without realizing it, he had been waiting for something to happen and feeling oddly numb as he went about his usual routines at work and at home. Waiting for Nikki to make the first move, because until she did, there was nothing he could do. In a sense, she held all the cards.But now - now he knew she was at home on sick leave, and if he was going to take any action, now was the time. It would be perfectly easy to pop round there to see how she was doing. He could easily fall into the familiar old routine. And he could finally give her all the things that he’d yearned to do during those fifteen terrible hours of her disappearance. All the hugs, all the light kisses and gentle touches, all the many little ways that he’d wanted to show her how he felt, even if he couldn’t bring himself to say those three simple words. Despairing in the knowledge that he might never get the chance again.Well, he could now…and yet, he hesitated.It wasn’t as if he would be intruding. Going by the sheer number of calls and texts he received, she was desperate for him to get in touch. He’d been wondering if she needed him at all after she’d gone to Harry, but she clearly did. Although, as his inner voice pointed out with icy logic, only when Harry was no longer there to comfort her.And he felt angry. Not with her – well, maybe a little if he was entirely honest – but mostly with himself. He lay awake each night, living through his clumsy, slow responses over and over. How he was duped into getting El Buitre out of prison, only to see him gunned down. How he’d realized it was Eva just a little too late. How he’d believed everything Nikki had told him; how he’d rushed around that scrapyard, utterly convinced he was about to dig her out. The black despair when he finally realized what she had done – too late, Jack! Too trusting, too stupid…When he could take it no longer, he’d get out of bed and take his feelings out on his punchbag. When that stopped helping, he’d take the gloves off and batter his knuckles bloody instead. The pain helped for a while. He’d taken up running again. Pounding the streets in the early mornings, music roaring in his ears to block out the screams. The gym, working out until the sweat dripped down his face like tears. The boxing ring, where he could forget for a few precious minutes as the fierce sweet adrenaline of battle took over. Anywhere but at home, where the memories of Mexico seemed to become more vivid rather than less as the weeks passed. At first, he really hadn’t intended to ignore Nikki. Initially, it was a case of not feeling quite ready to talk to her, but he would - tomorrow, the next day, when he had some time, when he felt able. Somehow, ‘tomorrow’ or ‘the next day’ never came, and as the weeks passed, it became harder to contemplate the right time ever coming.The trouble was he knew it would be a painful conversation. The next time he saw her, she’d probably be back to her usual well-groomed, self-confident self, but he’d still be seeing the pale, bruised, traumatized woman who had turned her back on him at that airport. He didn’t think he’d ever forget seeing her at her most vulnerable, and it made him angry, because it hurt like hell and he still didn’t know how he was supposed to deal with that pain.And so, he withdrew. He did as Clarissa had recommended; sought to protect himself by keeping away altogether. It was harder than he imagined to keep ignoring the calls, but he assumed she was seeking some kind of help – and what could he really do apart from remind her? And if she was struggling…for the most part, he told himself firmly, he would be as sorry to hear it and wish her well, as any colleague might. And yet, there was just a miniscule, nasty little germ of a feeling that said the pain might be justified. This was the anger he couldn’t help feeling towards her for turning away from him at the airport. It was what stopped his finger from pressing the answer button; it was what made him delete her messages without reading them. The stalemate had gone on for two months and seemed like it might go on forever. Which was why it was a severe shock to walk into work one day and see her standing there as if nothing had ever happened.To be brutally fair, he mused as he pounded the pavement, his newly returned colleague hadn’t entirely looked as if nothing had happened. She was well-turned out, of course – that much he could see from the initial brief look he allowed himself. Surreptitious glances showed him that she was almost too carefully groomed; the usually light make-up applied more thickly as if to cover pallor, the fingernails bitten to the quick but carefully filed, the clothes selected to disguise weight loss. No, Nikki was not fine – quite clearly. Even that irritated him. There was a reason why he was off his game from the moment she came back; why bloody David Cannon was able to make him look like an amateur. While she was absent from work, he could push his anxieties to the back of his mind and carry on with at least a semblance of normality. Now she was back, it was impossible for him to do that. Just a single glance at her, just a glimpse of her large eyes, dark with fear and a lack of sleep, and he was right back there in Mexico. His thoughts would scatter, his concentration would be shot to pieces. In the past, the presence of that slight blonde figure at a crime scene had always been a comfort, an important background to his focus, but now he was hyper-aware of her, his eyes taking in every momentary hesitation, hand tremor or frozen expression. The tension was palpable. He knew perfectly well that she was not fit to be working, and it was bloody selfish of her to make life more difficult for him by insisting on it.Of course, once he realized what was really going on with Cannon, it explained some of the tension, but then that pissed him off even more – particularly the knowledge that Nikki and Thomas had kept him out of the loop. He supposed he ought to feel grateful that she’d turned to him for support when she’d made the breakthrough, even if only for the convenience of collecting forensic evidence from the car. And then, naturally, he’d had to chase down the suspect and use his fists to lay him out – the role of the police if they’d bothered to believe her in the first place. He sometimes felt he should charge the police a commission fee – or danger money, anyway.He glanced at the clock and groaned – 05:21. He knew from bitter experience that sleep wouldn’t return, so he pushed back the duvet. Ten minutes later, he was leaving the house and jogging down the street.The gym opened at 6. It hadn’t been his intention to go this morning due to his knuckle injuries, but somehow his feet took him in that direction. He knew it would be a tricky day. Thomas would certainly fire Cannon, if he hadn’t already done so, and Clarissa would have no end of questions…and what about Nikki? Would she be back on sick leave now the deception was over?He timed his run to arrive just as the gym opened, found his usual locker, and regarded his hands with a professional eye. Some taping should help, and he wouldn’t go all out on the punchbag today. Yes, why not?Andy, the gym’s owner passed as Jack was sorting out his supplies and winced at the sight of the bloody knuckles. “You been doing some bare-knuckle somewhere, Jack? I thought you only fought here these days and none of the rough stuff. Won’t the girlfriend tell you off?”It didn’t matter how many times Jack explained. Nikki was still his ‘girlfriend’ as far as Andy was concerned. In fact, Jack had given up the fighting for a while because he knew Nikki didn’t like it and he’d had to endure Andy’s teasing about ‘the little woman’. Even when he resumed, he was more cautious and not so likely to agree to high-risk matches, although his attitude had changed in recent weeks.Anyway, Andy wasn’t such a bad bloke. He knew his stuff. “I’d go easy today if I were you. Actually, if you fancy a bit of sparring… Got a girl starting today. She’s very keen.”“A girl? Seriously? My hands aren’t that bad.”“Nah, she’s alright. Not a total beginner. She could do with an experienced partner to help her technique.”Jack shrugged. “Yeah, why not?”Andy smirked. “She’s quite easy on the eye too…”DI Naomi Silva was a breath of sweet fresh air. She was almost everything that Nikki was not – or not at the moment, anyway.She was sparky, fun-loving, amusing, flirtatious. She adored boxing and was an excellent pupil. They had several interests in common, including football. In general, she loved going out and having fun whenever her busy schedule allowed her, and she was not averse to going wherever Jack wanted, in addition to introducing him to bars and restaurants. And, as Andy had said, she was very definitely easy on the eye. In some ways, their relationship was similar to the one he’d had with Nikki in the very early days before Leo’s death – when both the job and their relationship was new and fun and open to possibility, and not over-shadowed by pain and regret. Naomi never made him feel like he’d let her down in some undefinable way. He never felt guilty if he had to postpone a date; he knew she understood the nature of his work, and he likewise understood if she couldn’t see him for several days. Her job was deeply important to her, and he admired and respected her determination to see a case through.Fond though he was of her, Jack couldn’t have described her as ‘the one’. He loved her in a casual, undemanding way, and she had a certain smile and glint in her eye that could get his pulse racing, but he certainly never thought in terms of buying rings and meeting the family. He knew that she felt the same way. She was ambitious, working as hard as she played, but whenever she was off duty, she was generous with her time and affection. They didn’t plan ahead. One day, perhaps, they would part with fond regrets and good memories, but for now, what they had worked. He was sleeping far better these days, and he was happy. He might even say content.She made Jack feel young again, and he only had to see the grin on Clarissa’s face to know that she liked Naomi and approved of the change in Jack’s life. Thomas seemed to like her too and, rather surprisingly, he realized how much he cared about his boss’s opinion. It occurred to him that Thomas, while not supplanting Leo in his affections, was a genuinely good friend as well as a colleague.It also surprised him to realize how much he cared about Nikki’s good opinion. At one point, he wouldn’t have cared (or at least would have convinced himself that he didn’t care), but his feelings had undergone a major reversal since the Hamilton Ashe hospital case. He didn’t feel quite the same way as he had before Mexico, but if anything, their relationship was better. More mature, perhaps.His initial reaction to finding Nikki’s medical notes had been horror. He’d assumed that she’d had therapy following Mexico but, perhaps naively, had envisaged a six-week counseling programme long since over. It hadn’t occurred to him that she was still in therapy and perhaps might be for weeks or months yet. Jack had a limited understanding of post-traumatic stress (he would certainly never have viewed his own nightmares and sleep disturbances as ‘post-traumatic’ indicators). He probably shouldn’t have been as shocked as he was.The thought of invading her privacy made him sick to the stomach, not least because he feared he might recognize some of the emotions she would have disclosed to her therapist. There might be shared trauma that they could have worked through together much sooner if he hadn’t been so selfish in ignoring her all those weeks. The actual contents made him cold. Had he known that she felt defeated, dead inside?He’d been too busy focusing on what Nikki had done; on the decisions she’d made that had angered him. She’d pushed herself out of the box without needing his help, so she hadn’t been helpless – not defeated, and certainly not dead. And then she’d taken herself off to New York and then had returned to work against advice. Making decisions for herself as usual – surely not the acts of someone who had felt dead inside? How had she managed to keep herself going all these weeks with such awful memories?Mere words were inadequate, so he’d done the only thing he could do. He’d enveloped her in his arms, trying to pour all the apology and regret and concern and sheer love that he felt into her body. There was nothing remotely sexual in the embrace; it was an act of pure and unconditional giving. And, after the initial start of surprise in her body, he felt the affection being returned as her arms encircled him…and he knew then that they were going to be OK. He had reveled in the sheer warmth of her for the first time in so long, burying his nose into her hair and inhaling the familiar scent of shampoo and perfume. They’d stood together for the longest time, perhaps neither of them willing to be the first to break the connection for fear of hurting the other…so long in fact that the emotion began to shift towards something more intimate. His hand had slipped automatically over her back, feeling a new boniness that concerned him (he hadn’t realized how much weight she’d lost). She had trembled slightly at the gentle touch and he had felt just a hint, a sudden expectation of something more… It was perhaps just as well that Clarissa’s politely reticent cough had reminded them that there was still work to be done – and they had stepped apart with sheepish smiles and slightly flushed cheeks.Since then, they’d kept carefully apart, but there was a silent understanding between them. They both still had their separate issues to be worked out, but they knew instinctively that each had the others’ back once more. He knew she’d found a new therapist; she knew that he was trying to sort out his personal life, but they were a team again. He recalled that hug with pleasure from time to time, remembering the brief sensation of intimacy, of the possibility of tipping over into something else. It wasn’t a new feeling for him; he’d long known that even a casual touch from Nikki could get his pulse racing. What was different now was that he was happy to let it be; he felt no desire to pursue the matter, as he might have done before Mexico. What would be would be.But, in the meantime, since the hug, they still hadn’t really talked. One evening, while Naomi was heavily involved in a case and he was at a loose end, he took out his phone and gazed at Nikki’s number for a few moments… Well, why not?Pizza? He sent the message and grinned, his heart lightening at the almost instantaneous reply.
Sure. Come over?
It was all the encouragement he needed.She’d already uncorked the wine when he arrived, bearing a large pepperoni. “You’re a life-saver – honestly. That bloody barrister…”She’d been in court all afternoon and looked tired but relieved to be at home. Her hair was damp from a shower and she was wearing a baggy old t-shirt over her most comfortable leggings, along with a pair of joke fluffy socks that he’d bought her for the Secret Santa a few years ago, and she looked utterly perfect. He smiled, a little ruefully. It seemed somewhat disloyal to Naomi, but the reality was that he was never going to be able to look at Nikki without admiring her beauty. It was just a fact. “Finished?”“Yes, hopefully. There’s nothing more I can tell them, anyway. Plate?”“Nah. I’ll have mine from the box.” He put the pizza on the coffee table, kicked off his shoes and sank into the depths of her sofa. She grinned, bringing the glasses through. It was a funny thing about Nikki – she was always beautifully turned out (in public, anyway) and her home was incredibly tidy and clean, but she never minded being slobby. Right now, she subsided onto the sofa next to him, tucking her socked feet up, and grabbed a slice of pizza.“Naomi still busy on that case?”“Yeah…” he paused, putting his slice down again before it reached his mouth. “You do…like her, don’t you?”“Naomi?” She frowned at him in surprise. “Yes, of course – she’s lovely. Why do you ask?”“Oh nothing. It’s just…we’ve never talked about her. And, well…it matters. To me. That you approve of her.”Her face softened. She understood without further words. There was a slightly uncomfortable pause, and then she laughed very gently.“It’s a shame we ever stopped talking.”“Yeah… I was a bit of a bastard, to be honest,” he admitted.She laughed again, more loudly. “You were a bit. Not that I couldn’t have handled things a bit better. I really wish I’d told you what was going on with David Cannon.”He shook his head. “You said it yourself. How could you have talked to me when I wasn’t returning your calls?”She paused. “I don’t blame you for cutting me off.” Her voice was very quiet. “I did it first – remember?”He took a sip of his wine to get up his courage. “We’ve never talked about that either…”As so often in their relationship, she understood what he wanted to know. She sighed and whispered it. “New York.”“Yes. I – I don’t blame you for doing what you did – not if it was right for you at the time…?” His tone was tentative, inquiring. She smiled to herself and then shook her head. “It was right – it was wonderful for about 48 hours… And then, suddenly, it wasn’t wonderful after all. I couldn’t get home quick enough.”“It wasn’t what you thought it would be?”She shook her head and gulped down her wine, her eyes downcast. “He didn’t -,” Jack couldn’t think how to put it. He was certain Harry Cunningham wouldn’t have hurt Nikki; whatever he might feel about the man, he knew instinctively that he wouldn’t be cruel. “Did he, um…upset you?”She paused in the act of putting down her glass and stared at him in obvious confusion. “Who?”“Um…” His face prickled with embarrassment. “I assumed you’d gone to see Harry.”“Harry?”“Yeah, you know. Harry Cunningham. He lives in New York, right?”Her face was working in an odd manner. For a moment, she looked as if she wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. “You thought I was with Harry Cunningham?”“Well, I -,” he wriggled with embarrassment. Had he been mistaken the whole time? “I know he’s a – a good friend…”“I haven’t seen Harry Cunningham in years.” Her voice was suddenly stony as she looked down at her hands. “I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to offend…”She sighed. “You didn’t. I wasn’t with Harry. I wasn’t with anyone in New York.”“Then why…?”“Because I wanted to feel normal,” she burst out. “I’ve always loved New York. I wanted to check into a hotel and go shopping and go to shows, and just – just be anonymous. Just be anyone. I didn’t want to be a victim. I didn’t want to – and please don’t take this the wrong way, Jack – I didn’t want to be with you.” She shook her head, impatient with herself. “No, wait - that’s not entirely true and it’s not fair. In some ways, I did want to be with you. Maybe too much…if you know what I mean?”She threw him a quick glance, her cheeks flushing, and he felt his own redden in response. So, he hadn’t been wrong to suspect there was something there… If only the circumstances had been different...She caught his eye and shook her head. “It wouldn’t have been a good idea. If I hadn’t been kidnapped and put you through hell, things might have been different, but as it was…neither of us was in a good place at the time. If we’d…got together just afterwards, it would have been a – an emotional response to trauma. It might have screwed us up forever. We’d always have known why it had happened – and not for good reasons. I didn’t want to do that to you.”He coughed to clear a suddenly dry throat. He supposed he ought to feel bitter. All that time, all those wasted opportunities... “I get it. I do understand… So, you wanted to get right away…”She nodded. “Not just from you… from everyone and everything. But I quickly discovered that you can’t run away from your problems. So, I came back.”“And I wouldn’t talk to you,” he muttered.She reached over and squeezed his arm. “Don’t beat yourself up about it. It would have been nice to have had my best friend around,” she smiled. “But, in the end, I had to sort my problems out myself. You couldn’t have helped me with that.”“And, of course, we might have fallen into bed by mistake.” He couldn’t resist it.She laughed and he loved the carefree sound of it. “Honestly, Jack! I might have known that you’d focus in on that!”“Can you blame me? All that flirting over the years… And there was me thinking it’d all been a waste of time.”She smiled, her face still a little flushed. “Because of Harry Cunningham?”He hesitated, his own smile fading. “I feel a bit stupid, now I come to think about it.”She paused, as if wondering how much to tell him. “I was…very young when I came to work at the Lyell. Young and rather naïve… Not that naïve, since I already had a marriage behind me -.”“You what?”She giggled. “I’ll tell you about that another time… So, Harry. Intelligent, sophisticated, attractive, ridiculously handsome, flirty, very sexy…”“I’m not sure I’m enjoying this story much,” he observed.She flicked his arm. “You wanted to know, so listen. For a while, I think everyone thought we were endgame. Leo certainly did. It seemed to be the perfect match. We were both passionate about our work. We loved being together, both in and out of work. I learned so much from him. He could always make me laugh – you know? – take me out of any situation, no matter how stressful it was. I think I rather adored him.”He gulped his wine. “So why didn’t you marry him?”“Good question.” She frowned at her hands. “I guess he was just…the one that got away. We never got to that point.” She smiled, gently. “Rather like you and me, in fact, except that…well, Harry would never wait. He kept moving on, there was always some new woman. I – I loved him, but I was scared of becoming just another woman.” She choked on the last words and paused to clear her throat before going on. “I think, in retrospect, that he was always trying to find something – someone. Maybe someone who didn’t exist. At one point, he may have found her…and then she died. Her name was Anna…. After that, something died in Harry. I couldn’t reach him, no one could. He carried on, but it was never quite the same – for us. I think – no, I know…in the end, it was a relief when he left. It felt like I could finally move on with my life, which I couldn’t do as long as he was there, distracting me. I did miss him like crazy, of course.”“Why didn’t he come to Leo’s funeral? I’ve often wondered that.”She laughed shortly. “There’s no big mystery. Harry really did move on. He was on his honeymoon in Hawaii when I contacted him. Didn’t get the message until three days after.”He wasn’t quite sure what to say. “That was um…quick, I guess.”“Yes, considering he’d only been in New York for a year.” Her voice was brisk, but he could see she was more hurt than she wanted him to know. She might have wanted to move on from him – and for him to move on too – but the speed of his marriage must have been a shock. “Anyway…that’s Harry, and that’s all I have to say about him. I wish him well… I’m sorry I never told you about him before. I had no idea you were even thinking about him.”“Well, you know… Just curiosity. I suppose I – I kind-of wanted to get to know you.”He was uncomfortably aware that she was looking at him with curiosity; he munched on a slice of cold pizza to try to avoid the knowledge in her eyes. “You know, sometimes I feel that I’ve really screwed you up.”Her voice was sad, and his head shot up in denial. “No! No, don’t ever think that!” He grabbed her hand, entwining his fingers with hers, almost desperately. “Please – don’t. You’ve made me so much more than I ever was before. Believe me! I was a mess, with all that crap in Yorkshire. Clarissa helped to keep me on the straight and narrow, but I never really moved on until I met you and Leo. I wouldn’t change a thing.”She gave him a knowing look. “Really?”He subsided a little. “Well, obviously I wish that Mexico had never happened… And Leo. I’ll never get over Leo…”She sighed, shifted over slightly while still holding his hand, and dropped her head onto his shoulder. “I think I miss him even more as time goes on.”He closed his eyes, breathing in the beloved scent of her soft hair. “Me too.” After a few minutes, she broke the warm silence. “Wonder where we’d be now if – if Leo hadn’t…”“I can’t think about that now.” His thumb rubbed over her hand, seeking comfort as much as trying to provide it. “It’s too…big.”She sighed. “You’re right. All I can do right now is just…be. I can get by at work if I try not to think too much about the past. As it is, I get too much of that with my therapy.”“How is that going now?”She moved her head slightly, her hair tickling his neck. “Better. At least, I’m feeling more positive about it. He doesn’t try to lead me either. It’s on my terms.” She paused, then asked. “And you? How are you sleeping?”“Much better.” He smiled, despite himself, at the thought of Naomi. As if she could read his thoughts, she said, “I’m happy for you. She’s done you good. You seem so much happier now.”“Ah well – we have fun,” was all he could think to say in response. He wasn’t going to suggest it was anything other than what it was - a casual relationship. It would be petty to even think of trying to make Nikki jealous – and it didn’t seem as if she would be, anyway. Maybe that was one indicator that their relationship had matured. She squeezed his hand and pushed her head into the crook of his neck. “I’m so glad you came over tonight.”“So am I.” He closed his eyes again and let the gentle warmth and silence enclose him. It wasn’t perfect but, for now, it was enough.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Following their conversation, Jack felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Firstly, it was a relief to know that he hadn’t ruined his friendship with Nikki. He’d still be able to pop in for a drink and a chat when he wanted to; he’d be as welcome as he had been before Mexico.Secondly, it was good to finally get the full facts about Harry. It was no big surprise to learn that Nikki had been in love with her former colleague, but (from a purely selfish point of view) something of a relief to realize that she had moved on or was at least determined to.He was naturally a little embarrassed about his misunderstanding, although it had been kind of Nikki to make so little of it. In addition to being embarrassed, he was also annoyed with himself. He’d spent years assuming that she’d never be interested in him. Ok, so he’d flirted from time to time, just lightly testing the waters, so to speak, but she’d never taken him up on it. However, from what she’d hinted about Mexico, it seemed as if she might have been attracted to him after all. He could only wish he’d had the confidence to ask her on a proper date years ago. If he had, well – who knew where they might be by now?But one thing was clear. Even if he wasn’t with Naomi, now would not be the right time. Nikki was still working through her Mexico trauma, and the last thing she needed was to be distracted by a love affair.He was still sufficiently curious about Harry to look the man up. He could have done so before, of course, but he hadn’t wanted to feel the comparison with himself too sharply. It appeared that Professor Cunningham was a private man, but Jack’s carefully honed Internet searching skills came to the fore, and he soon found a handful of facts and a couple of recent photographs. One of the photographs was a professional headshot of Harry in his role of faculty head of forensic pathology, taken from a lecture series he had done about a year ago. The other was taken from the Instagram page of a friend of his wife. It showed Harry at a barbeque, grinning at the camera with his arm around his wife’s shoulders. Jack looked at these with interest. It must have been at least 5 years since the photograph with Nikki and Leo had been taken. At first glance, Harry didn’t look that different. However, a closer inspection showed some grey in his hair. He looked happy and relaxed. His wife was quite a few years his junior, and some further digging revealed that she was a PhD student-turned lecturer from his university, albeit in a completely different faculty. He fancied there was a slight resemblance to Nikki, but the woman – Jennifer – had darker hair. In an odd way, he felt it was a shame that Nikki had lost touch with Harry. It wasn’t that he wanted to encourage the old attraction, but as Harry was an apparently happily married man, that wouldn’t be likely to happen. It would be nice for Nikki to reconnect with an old friend. Also, he could tell that she was still hurt about how quickly Harry had moved on, and he hated to see Nikki hurt by anything. Still, there wasn’t much he could do about it…apart from assume that Harry must be the biggest imbecile in the world, despite his many qualifications.Months had passed since their reconciliation, and Nikki was definitely recovering from her ordeal in Mexico. There was fresh spring in her step as she moved about the Lyell these days. She’d regained some much-needed weight and had taken up running again. Passing through the offices one day, Jack smiled to hear her high-pitched laughter ring out. He glanced towards Thomas’ office; Nikki was perched on the edge of his desk and the two pathologists had their heads over something that had clearly amused them. Thomas was looking more relaxed himself these days – his relationships with his daughter and ex-wife were less strained. Things seemed to be going well for the Lyell too, for a change.He paused by Clarissa’s desk. “Tea?”“What, yours?”“Hey, it’s not that bad!”Clarissa smiled and nodded at a flask on her desk. “You go on telling yourself that. I’m OK – Max has supplied coffee. I think it was after the last time you made him a drink and he realized the jeopardy I was in.”He grunted and made his own before walking back to his desk. They worked for a few moments in silence.“I was sorry to hear about Naomi leaving.” Her tone was unusually tentative, as if she was trying to assess his reaction.He shrugged. “It’s a good move for her. Heading up serious crime in Manchester. She knew it’d take too long to get promotion if she stayed at the Met. I bet she’ll be back down here again someday.”“You weren’t tempted to go too?”He stared at her. “What - leave the Lyell? God, no. Anyway, there’s Dad to think about. No way could I leave him.”She was silent for a moment. “You’ll miss her.”He smiled. “Yeah… It’s been fun, but it was kind-of winding down anyway.” In fact, they’d spent less time together for some weeks before she announced her move, and only partly because Naomi was so busy. He’d always have fond memories of her, but they were breaking up by mutual consent. “Anyway, if you don’t mind, I need to get this report finished.”“So…” Clarissa’s voice was low and teasing. “Jack is available again.”He grimaced at her arched eyebrow and tried to get back to his work. “That’s not even subtle. Even by your standards.”“Well…” Her eyes flickered towards Thomas’ office. “She’s looking a lot better these days. Much happier. I think her therapy has done some good.”“Hmm.” He refocused on the report, frowning in concentration. “Did you get those results back?”“Now don’t deflect. You know what I mean.”Clearly, it was going to be one of those mornings. He saved what he’d written so far and leaned back his chair, observing her. “I thought it was only a few months ago that you were telling me to be careful. You told me to back off because I was getting too close.”“Yes, because I thought what you had at that time was unhealthy.”He smiled. “Ironically, I think Nikki agreed with you in a way. But what’s changed? What makes you think it’d be OK for me to ask her out now?”“Well, it’s obvious! You’re in a much better place – both of you.” She paused, frowning in thought. “At first, I thought you’d go back to the way you were before Mexico, but you’re different. The atmosphere here is calmer. I don’t feel like I need therapy myself. Thomas is more relaxed too. We don’t feel like we need to lock the two of you in a room to sort it out anymore.”“Excuse me, but when did you talk to Thomas about us?”She smirked. “We’ve been known to have the occasional drink without the two of you. It’s remarkably calming to be with an adult for a change.” She sobered. “Seriously, though, it has worried him. It’s not been easy to keep the Lyell going, so it hasn’t helped to have two key employees alternately ignoring each other or making cow’s eyes across the room.”“We’ve never done that!”She rolled her eyes. “Anyway – it’s been a concern for Thomas at least. He doesn’t want to lose either of you.”He frowned at his screen, his good mood evaporating. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t given that some thought. What if he did start dating Nikki? Would they still be able to work together?Clarissa went on, as if she was reading his thoughts. “I’m not as worried as Thomas. I don’t see any reason why you couldn’t both carry on here. It’s not as if she’s your boss.”He cleared his throat. “Doesn’t it occur to you that the reason why the atmosphere has improved might just be because we’ve moved on? Maybe we’re just not attracted to each other anymore?”She snorted her derision at that, but the conversation was cut short when the object of their thoughts walked into the office.Matt Garcia was a great guy. That was what was so annoying - Jack couldn’t think of a single thing to hate about him. He was polite, warm-natured, good-humoured, intelligent, and entirely lacking the stereotypical arrogance of a US official. It was a cliché to suggest that Jack had been just about to make his move on Nikki – but, in fact, he had. He’d rather nervously planned to ask her out for dinner the very afternoon she disappeared to attend the US Embassy event - and then, of course, they’d been caught up the following day with Helen Vine’s murder. He hadn’t had much time to speak to Nikki and had decided to leave it for another day. He had noticed that she seemed a little taken with the head of the US Embassy, but he hadn’t worried about that – Nikki often received admiration from other men, but it was unusual for her to respond to them beyond a few pleasantries.So, the following morning’s call came as a genuine shock. He put Thomas on speakerphone to get the full facts while he dressed as quickly as possible. “Matt Garcia kidnapped? Poor guy. And nothing to go on apart from an unconscious guard and that one witness?”“Not much. Of course, with the Americans, we don’t know what they’re not saying. I’ll text you the address.”“Sure.” He pulled on his jacket. “Have you called Nikki yet? I could pick her up on the way.”“Um, Jack…” Thomas’ voice was tentative. “Nikki is the witness who called it in. She’s already there.”He paused in the act of picking up his keys. “Nikki?”When he saw Nikki in the borrowed blue bathrobe and realized the extent to which she had been ‘there’, his heart sank to his boots. A glance at her stark white face, tousled hair and tense body language was enough to tell him what he feared…but he also immediately understood that this was not about him. Right here and now, Nikki was suffering. What she needed was a good friend.That was why he sat down next to her, a respectful distance away but close enough to offer physical comfort if she needed it. It was clear that she saw the parallel with Helen Vine’s disappearance and believed Matt to be already dead. It hurt him to see the pain in her expression, to see the tears threatening to emerge…and at the same time, he felt he could empathize. He knew firsthand the terrible fear and sense of helplessness when a loved one disappeared. Whatever Matt was to Nikki, that wasn’t the point right now. He managed to put a comforting hand on her shoulder, even if he wasn’t quite up to offering any reassuring words, but entering Matt’s bedroom and seeing the untidy bed was a severe challenge. He knew he’d find Nikki’s DNA on the sheets – knew he had to eliminate it from his findings - but it took every ounce of professionalism to walk over. As he bent over the bed, he even knew which side she’d been sleeping on. Even after a couple of hours, he could still smell her shampoo on the pillow. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, trying to focus his mind. He wouldn’t be any help to Nikki – or Matt – if he wasn’t concentrating fully.It wasn’t a massive surprise when she showed up for work the following day either, her face strained and exhausted. He hadn’t slept particularly well himself. He was as worried about Matt as he would be about any missing person, but seeing how much the disappearance was affecting Nikki added to his anxiety. He dreaded to hear that the American had been found dead – dreaded the effect on Nikki. Just when she seemed to be finally getting over Mexico…So, it was a relief when Matt was found alive, albeit rather beaten up and shocked, and not just because Jack was a decent human being. It was evident that he made Nikki happy. Jack carefully kept his distance and tried to avoid being alone with Clarissa, whose sympathy would be just as painful. It was probably just as well. He had no reason to assume that Nikki would have been happy with him in the long term. They were very different as people, and she hated his boxing - refusing to watch his matches or even attend a match with him. As a single man with a mortgage on a flat in central London, Jack had little spare cash to spend on expensive treats, which hadn’t mattered so much for Naomi, but did for Nikki – or at least he felt it did. It wasn’t that she was overtly materialistic herself, but he’d always wanted to be able to buy special things for her. Well, Matt could do that – he could afford the expensive restaurants, the parties, the exotic holidays. They probably had more interests in common too. The harsh reality was that Jack had always been punching above his weight. It was better to find that out now, before things had gone too far…because he knew that if they had got together, even briefly, it would have been impossible to let her go again. It would have ended up destroying them both and he’d have had to leave the Lyell – preferably to move to Australia. Rather to his surprise, she rang him on the morning that Matt moved back to the States, asking him to meet her at a pub for lunch – her treat. He had hesitated before agreeing. He could cope reasonably well with a newly loved-up Nikki at work; seeing her outside work felt a little too much like rubbing salt into the wounds. His final decision was motivated as much by curiosity than anything.The venue was a countrified pub/restaurant right on the river near Chiswick. They’d never been there before, so he assumed it was a place that Matt had introduced her to. It did a decent beer and steak though, and the location was beautiful. It could have been artificial in that achingly awful way of London restaurants masquerading as country pubs, but in fact was friendly, low-key and not as pricy as it might have been. In fact, it was the kind of place that he might have brought her if this had been a date.She sighed in pleasure as she sipped her wine and gazed through the window. “This is nice. I haven’t been for years.”“Oh?” So, not a ‘Matt’ place then.“We – Leo, Harry and I – used to meet here for Sunday lunch. Leo always loved this place. I think Sam Ryan introduced him to it. I don’t know why I haven’t suggested it before.”That explained why he liked it so much. He could imagine Leo and Nikki coming here.He glanced at her under his lashes; she seemed surprisingly relaxed for someone who’d just waved off her partner to another continent with no prospect of a reunion any time soon. “Matt get off OK?”She sighed. “Yes, he was fine. It felt a bit odd, knowing I wasn’t going to see him later.”“I’m sorry.” And he really was sorry for them both. He didn’t have to pretend. He couldn’t imagine how it must feel to be Matt right now, having to say goodbye to Nikki.She paused, looking down at her hands. “Did I tell you that he was going to resign and apply for British residency?”“Really? I didn’t know that.”She smiled, a sad little grimace. “I must be some kind of masochist, because I told him not to. It wouldn’t have been right for him.” She looked up at Jack, her eyes a little bright with unshed tears but very intent. “He really wants to make a difference, to be an influence where it really matters. I believe he can. But to do that, he really needs to be in Washington. I would have hated to see him…reduced to some kind of meaningless job in London when it’s not what he really wants.”He’d be with you though. It would have been cruel to tell her what she already knew, so he sipped his beer and tried to change the subject.“Much as I’m enjoying this lunch, I’m kind-of wondering why? I mean, I guess it’s better than you moping at home all day, and I’m certainly not complaining…but was there a reason you wanted to meet? Is there something you want to talk about in particular?”She smiled at him, a proper grin this time. “There is, actually. Although I hope we will do this again sometime… It was something that I discussed with Matt not long after his kidnapping. You know that therapy’s been going well for me – well enough that I’ve decided to give up my sessions. I really don’t need them anymore.”He reached across the table to squeeze her arm. “That’s great news!”She nodded. “But…what happened to Matt made me think. It gave me some insight into what – what it was like for you in Mexico.”He watched her carefully, taking another sip.“I mean, I already knew it wasn’t great. I knew you’d had problems sleeping – maybe you should have had some therapy too. I remember saying something about it once – that it was almost easier for me in a way, because I had a diagnosis, whereas you didn’t have a label to give to what you were feeling… So, I did know already, but until Matt went missing, I didn’t feel what – what you must have felt.”She suddenly reached across the table to take his hand. “I’ve got to be brutally honest here. When you were talking to me about how you’d gone out there to ‘get me back’ and you’d ‘failed’ – my first instinct was to think ‘how typical’! It felt like such a stereotype – the man goes out to rescue the ‘little woman’ and gets angry because she manages to rescue herself.”He bristled and pulled his hand away, hurt by the very notion. “It wasn’t like that! What do you think I am – some kind of sexist neanderthal?” She sighed. “No, I know you’re not like that! It’s just what it seemed like in the moment. That’s why I said you had nothing to prove. I’m not putting this very well.”“You’re right, you’re not.” He drained his glass. “If I’ve ever given you that impression, in all the time we’ve known each other…”“Damnit, Jack – you know you haven’t!” She grabbed his arm to stop him from getting up. “You know I’ve never thought that of you. That’s why I was confused – I genuinely couldn’t understand why you were so upset. I didn’t know what it was like to feel so helpless… Don’t you see? Suddenly, I could see that I would have felt exactly the same if it had been you stuck in that box and I wasn’t able to do anything… It had – it has – nothing to do with gender, and everything to do with -.”She stopped, flushing slightly.“What were you going to say? Everything to do with what?”She looked away, suddenly a little distant. “It doesn’t matter. I just wanted you to know that – that I get it now. And I’m sorry for not understanding properly before.”He looked at her, trying to meet her eyes, but she stared out of the window. Her cheeks were still a bit pink, and he felt he could guess exactly what she’d been about to say. He suppressed a sigh. There was no point in trying to push her into any kind of confession. Even if she was more-or-less admitting that she loved him, there was no point in distressing her. She was with Matt now, and that was that.“Well…” He looked down at his empty glass. “I guess we’ve got a serious decision to make now, haven’t we?”She shot a look at him, slightly apprehensive. “What decision?”He grinned, waving the glass at her. “We can either get the other half of this…or we could just go for a walk. It’s a nice afternoon.”He held out his other hand to her, and she laughed, a little shakily, as she took it. “What would I do without you?”He shrugged, trying to be casual. “Oh, I don’t know. Find another tame forensic scientist.”“Replace you? Impossible,” she murmured as they left the pub.They strolled along the river path in silence, still hand-in-hand. It was on the tip of his tongue to ask her what she thought Matt would have made of their body language if he’d suddenly showed up, but he managed to quell the impulse.She broke the silence eventually. “I haven’t seen Naomi for a while?”“Oh – you didn’t know? She’s moved to Manchester. Promotion.”Her steps faltered slightly. “I didn’t realize. So…you -?”Her voice faded away, but he knew what she had been about to ask. “No, I wasn’t ever going to go with her. We’ve split up.”“When did that happen?”“Oh, a while ago. Before the US Embassy thing.”“I didn’t know that. I’m sorry.”Her voice was very quiet. He wasn’t sure exactly what she was sorry about – whether it was merely the conventional ‘sorry’ about the end of a relationship or whether she was sorry about something else. “Don’t be sorry. It’s fine.” He sensed that she was trying to withdraw her hand, but he gently retained it, entwining his fingers with hers, and after a moment, she relaxed. “It’s all fine.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
As the months and years passed, it became clear that Matt was not destined to become just another of Nikki’s (many) disastrous relationship decisions. Against all the odds, they did not fall out over Nikki’s refusal to move to Washington or Matt’s decision to try for Congress. He didn’t turn out to be a cheater or a liar or a sleezy politician, or indeed anything other than who he was – a perfectly pleasant, kind-hearted man who was deeply in love with Nikki. His children didn’t take an instant dislike to his British girlfriend; his ex-wife didn’t put up any opposition; his staff entirely failed to freeze Nikki out on her visits. And – most importantly of all, from Jack’s point of view – he never put unfair pressure on Nikki to leave her job and join him. Jack never heard so much as a raised voice during Nikki’s phone calls – those that he overheard, anyway. By all accounts, it was the perfect relationship – marred only by distance. If they were on the same continent, they’d probably be married by now.There had been some tension between the couple concerning the fatal plane crash that Matt should have been on. As far as Jack knew, Matt had eventually told Nikki, but whether he had or not, things seemed to settle down once more. And then there was the case in Brighton. Nikki had seemed distracted and a little pale – just off in some undefinable way. He’d had his suspicions when she’d raised the topic of having children. In his experience, once she was on a case, Nikki tended to be extremely focused. It was highly unusual of her to start talking about something else entirely, so the so-called casual chat raised his suspicions. If she was thinking about having children, it wouldn’t be simply that – not mid-case. It would be because the thought had been forced upon her. And he knew of only one reason why that might be…Jack had resigned himself to the inevitable by then. He had no illusions – if Nikki and Matt weren’t going to work out, they would have split long before. If Nikki had been attracted to Jack, either before or during Mexico, there was no sign of any attraction now. Their friendship was firm, and they’d resumed their habit of meeting for drinks or dinner on regular occasions. The only real difference now was the need to plan ahead based around Nikki’s and Matt’s regular flights between London and Washington. That and…the fact that Jack and Nikki were both less inclined to be quite as tactile as they used to be. When he’d held her hand walking along the river on the day Matt had departed, Jack had intended to send a clear message – that he still cared about her in a platonic way and that his affectionate gestures wouldn’t stop even though she was now in a relationship. She had seemed to accept that, but there was some consciousness in her gestures now - some kind of awareness of what might, and might not, be appropriate. It pained him, although he could understand.But…Nikki in a long-term, albeit distant, relationship was one thing. Nikki as a pregnant woman, a mother-to-be, was quite another. If it was what she wanted, he would be glad for her, but how could she possibly stay on at the Lyell? Unless Matt abandoned his ambitions and moved over, she would be bound to move over there. She’d really have no choice – not if she wanted Matt in his child’s life. They would, of course, get married and live happily ever after. She’d make the perfect Congressman’s wife.The thought that he wouldn’t get to see her almost every day of his life was unbearable. He knew by now that he still loved her - would probably never stop loving her. It was hopeless, of course, and he’d resigned himself to knowing that nothing would ever come of it. Getting to work alongside a Nikki who didn’t share his feelings was still preferable to never seeing her at all.It was a relief when nothing came of the motherhood talk, but then there were other crises. There were the accusations that her personal life was affecting her professional judgment, whether due to fatigue from frequent travel, distraction, or arrogance and over-confidence in her own abilities. It infuriated him to see detectives rolling their eyes at Dr Alexander or being overtly hostile, not least because he could see it affecting her confidence. He was certain that there must have been times when resigning her job and moving to Washington would have seemed extremely attractive to her – luckily for the Lyell (and for him), she showed her familiar grit in facing down her detractors. Although he was relieved, he was also surprised that nothing seemed to change for Nikki and Matt. They were apparently happy to carry on as they were, and Jack couldn’t understand it – not least because if Nikki had declared her love for him, he’d probably have been buying the ring within a few months, if not weeks. He didn’t get Matt. It wasn’t that he didn’t respect the man’s political ambitions, but… All he knew was that if he, Jack, was in Matt’s position, he would have followed Nikki anywhere. Nothing – and certainly no career ambition – would have kept him from her side.But it really was none of his business – and in any case, Jack increasingly had other concerns on his mind. His father was growing frailer. Typically, Conor Hodgson was insisting on maintaining his independence and staying in his own flat. Jack had made tentative enquiries at a few residential care homes, but so far without much intent. He sensed there’d be a serious battle of wills if it got to the point where a decision was needed. They hadn’t talked about it, but Jack knew his father had a notion that Ryan might need somewhere to stay once he was released from prison again – for this reason alone, Connor wouldn’t be keen to sell up and move into sheltered accommodation. And, following the case involving abuse and murder at the care homes, Jack himself abandoned the half-hearted plan. He was uneasy at the thought of Ryan moving in with their father, though.More and more, he found his spare time taken up by his father – driving him to medical appointments, doing his shopping, simply popping over whenever he could to make sure Connor was eating properly. He’d been on the occasional casual date and even more occasional one night stand, but nothing had been serious since his split from Naomi – and that wasn’t just because of Nikki. Jack had always felt a sense of responsibility for Connor since his mother’s untimely death - in a sense, he’d often felt like a single child, since he couldn’t rely on Ryan to offer any support. However, the burden felt heavier now. Connor had been a tough father in many ways – taciturn, critical and slow to show affection – but he’d been a strong and reliable presence during Jack’s childhood, and Jack had always felt loved and supported in a quiet way, even after their falling-out over Katie. After his wife’s death, Connor had held himself together – moving from Yorkshire down to London following retirement to be closer to his sons. He’d carved out a social life for himself, made some good friends among the Northern Irish community in Northwest London, and had kept active with frequent walks in his old age. He’d seemed determined not to be a burden on his son – and, until recently, Jack had had no concerns.And then, out of nowhere, Connor had had a health scare, and it seemed to have dented his confidence. He hardly ventured out at all now, even though the doctors had told him that light exercise would do no harm. He grew nervy and bad-tempered – Jack often had no idea what to expect when he turned up at Connor’s flat. Sometimes, his father would berate him for “making a fuss about nothing”; other times, he’d accuse him of not caring – “what if I fell and no-one came for hours?”. Some days, Jack could do nothing right – Ryan, in his enforced absence, became the golden boy. It was always there, in the room, though never mentioned – if Jack had been honest about his role in the fight, where might Ryan be now? It didn’t help Jack feel any better about his brother’s current incarceration.Sometimes, when he mentioned his concerns about Connor at work, he fancied that Nikki was biting her lip not to say something she might regret. Of course, with her own difficult family background, she was more likely to sympathize with the offspring of a dysfunctional family (although privately Jack didn’t feel the Hodgson’s were that dysfunctional, compared to many families he’d encountered through his work). He didn’t know much about her childhood as she was extremely close-lipped, but he knew that her mother had died young and that her father had been no great loss, forcing her to grow up extremely quickly. Clarissa had said it, all those years ago – an old head on young shoulders. With her background, she was inclined to be cynical about fathers in general, and he also knew that she could never entirely forgive Ryan for Jack getting knocked down and badly injured. It warmed his heart to know she’d always have his back in any argument, but she could hardly be described as unbiased. Clarissa’s experience was different. Even if her mother wasn’t the absolute saint she clearly had been before dementia had taken her, Clarissa been forced by circumstances to be closer to her than most children. For the cynic she was, she was surprisingly soft-hearted towards parents and their foibles, and was particularly fond of Jack’s dad. She was sympathetic with Jack’s dilemma, but clearly didn’t approve of moving Connor to a care home – with her own fears, that was perhaps not all that surprising. He knew that were it not for her disability, she would have hesitated in moving her mother to one, despite the dementia, and she was assiduous in visiting her and making sure the nursing care was of the best quality.He witnessed Clarissa’s determination even more while Penny Mullery was dying in hospital – the pain of having to make tough decisions for someone who could no longer consent, the instinctive desire to keep her alive no matter what the cost, and the sheer agony of eventually having to accept the inevitable.Jack had felt clumsy and helpless and had never been more grateful that she had Max’s loving support. In some ways, her mother’s death made him more aware of how he and Clarissa had grown apart in recent times. When they’d arrived at the Lyell, she’d been his closest friend and confidante. They’d been students together, had kept in touch when he’d returned to Yorkshire, and she’d been there to offer him a spare bed and help to rebuild his life in London after his messy public resignation. When Leo had offered him a position at the Lyell, he’d determined that he couldn’t make a go of it without Clarissa’s steady presence. However, as the years passed, Jack had grown closer to Nikki, and she was now his first port of call in any crisis. He felt guiltily aware of Clarissa’s admission that she was a little jealous of their close relationship. Even the disagreement they’d had when he wanted her to go off work to spend time with her mother shook him up and hurt him more than he cared to admit. The worst of it was that he slightly agreed with her – sitting for hours with an ailing parent was stressful, whether or not that parent recognized you. He couldn’t help wondering whether he’d react the same way as Clarissa if it was Connor was dying in a hospital bed.What if Connor was right to be scared about his heart condition? The consultant had attempted to be reassuring – it had been caught early, the operation was routine and not something to get anxious about, there was no reason why Connor shouldn’t live a good life with the correct medication etc. Even so, he wondered whether it would be justified (if unethical) to try to get hold of his father’s medical records and pass them by Thomas or Nikki for confirmation – not that either of them would be likely to know more than a consultant cardiologist…Clarissa’s desk lay empty for nearly a month after her mother’s death. Max had insisted on a complete break and Thomas had been happy to grant the time – indeed, he could hardly complain, since Clarissa had always been one of the first employees in each morning and was frequently the last to leave. He’d found a temp, but the man had only lasted a couple of days before coming down with a virus, so Jack had to muddle on alone.The Lyell felt forlorn within a few days of her absence. Jack tried to carry on as normal but couldn’t get over the strange sensation of lifting his head to make some observation or ask a question, only to be faced by that empty space. Nikki and Thomas by necessity were often absent for hours, either in the cutting room or giving testimony at court, and Jack himself could spend days investigating a crime scene, but Clarissa was the one constant in the office – the glue that held them together. Thomas commented on it one day, as he was passing through. “Feels odd, doesn’t it? I’ll be glad when she’s back.”“Mmm.” Jack nodded absently, as he frowned at some photographs, trying to spot something that felt wrong about the apparent suicide he had just attended.Thomas paused. “Coffee? I mean, a proper one?”As Jack looked up in surprise, he smiled. “You look like you could use it. And a break. Want to go and find a decent one for a change?”“Yeah, sure.” He locked the computer and grabbed his jacket, a little surprised by the invitation. Thomas had grown on him over the years, but he was still very much the boss. In general, the older man got on well with Nikki these days and it appeared that he’d also been quietly befriending Clarissa, judging by her reports of occasionally going for a drink with her fellow ‘adult’. He hadn’t made the same effort with Jack, though. Jack respected and liked him, although not quite as much as Leo, but this friendly approach surprised him. He wondered, uneasily, whether Thomas wanted to discuss Nikki. He didn’t think his recent behavior could have caused any concern. Or maybe Nikki had finally made a decision about her future and had discussed it with Thomas in confidence? But surely, she’d tell him first if she was planning to leave?There was a café not far from the Lyell – they were all frequent morning customers, taking it in turns to bring in takeaway cups for the team. It wasn’t usual to linger there, but Thomas appeared to be in no hurry, purchasing their coffees and sitting down at a table by the window.“Thanks for this.” Jack blew the steam from his espresso and took a grateful sip. “There’s something off about that Corlett case.”“Yes, I thought there might be.” Thomas frowned in thought; Nikki was out at court all day, so he had done the autopsy. “Textbook suicide, but it doesn’t feel right, does it? You get a gut feeling for these. Can’t really describe it…”Jack nodded his understanding – he knew exactly what Thomas meant. These were the cases that frustrated Thomas and Nikki the most; they had to be absolutely confident with the evidence they presented to the coroner, and neither of them enjoyed having to do that when there was just a niggle of doubt at the back of their minds. Jack could sympathize, but the onus was not on him, so he couldn’t fully appreciate the stress. “When do you need to let them know by?”His boss sighed. “I can hold them off until the morning if you think it’s worth a second look?”Jack nodded. “Maybe. I’ll keep digging.” He hesitated. “Is that why you brought me here – for a break and a fresh perspective?”Thomas hesitated. “Not entirely…although it may help. No Nikki to bounce ideas off – or Clarissa.” He smiled. “Whatever would you - we - do without them, eh?”Jack gave him a sharp look over the rim of his cup, but the pathologist’s eyes were kind rather than speculative. Clarissa had suggested that Thomas was not blind to Jack’s feelings about Nikki, but even if that was the case, it didn’t seem that he intended to make an issue out of them.“Good question. You’ve not…heard anything about Nikki’s plans?”Thomas looked genuinely startled and a little alarmed. “No, nothing. Why – do you think she has plans?”“No, no!” He shook his head quickly. “At least, nothing that she’s said to me. It’s just that…don’t you think it’s a little odd? They’ve been together for years.”“There’s more than one type of relationship though, isn’t there?” Thomas’ voice was quiet, and his eyes seemed to look into the distance for a moment. “We don’t all marry and live happily ever after. Maybe the distance suits them, in a strange way.”It wouldn’t suit me, was the obvious response to this, but from the wry look on Thomas’ face, Jack sensed he didn’t need to voice his feelings. Oh yes, Thomas knew perfectly well…“Anyway, no, it’s not Nikki I’m concerned about right now. It’s you.”Jack’s head shot up at this. “I know I’ve been on leave quite a bit lately…”Thomas brushed this aside. “Don’t worry about it. I know it’s a worry when a parent is ill, and I know you can’t plan far ahead right now. Just take the time you need…but if you think it’ll be easier to take a couple of weeks’ away after his operation, let me know. I can get another temp in from the agency, since it looks like the current one won’t be coming back.”“Thanks – I appreciate that.” He dropped his gaze back to his coffee, a little morosely. “I’ve been there myself,” Thomas offered, a little hesitantly. “I might know more about what you’re going through than you might think.” He paused. “I know you talk to Nikki and Clarissa about these things – I’ve heard you, but you can come to me, you know.”There was something slightly plaintive in his voice – a note that Jack had never heard before. He knew that Thomas had tried hard, since his rocky early days, to be on good terms with his staff. His professional relationships with Nikki had been difficult at times, but they’d always made up, and in fact there was a degree of gentle affection between the two pathologists – a shared sense of humour and a mutual respect. Nikki had repeated to Jack the comment that Thomas had once made to her about always being “liked” – they’d both been a little unsure about the veracity of that statement at first, but he didn’t dispute it now. Thomas could be outspoken, he could be socially awkward and occasionally rather blunt, but he was essentially likeable. It wasn’t that Jack didn’t trust him – he just didn’t really count him as a confidante.Thomas went on. “My father had liver cancer twelve years’ ago. My parents divorced years before, and Mum had moved abroad, so I was the one who had to support him.” He smiled. “Only child syndrome.”Jack nodded his understanding – in his case, it was more like ‘might as well be the only child’ syndrome. “Um, did he make it?”Thomas shook his head. “Diagnosis came a bit too late. I was a new dad myself and in a demanding job, and just maybe if I hadn’t been so caught up with my own concerns…” He stopped, shaking his head. “But it’s a tricky diagnosis and not very likely I’d have noticed any sooner than his own doctors. He…didn’t have a great death.”“I’m sorry.” He wasn’t sure what else to say. He was learning more about Thomas in this short conversation than he’d found out in years.“In a way, I had a similar dilemma to Clarissa. Not regarding the consent situation, of course. Dad was as sharp as a tack, always had been. And he wanted to live – he really did. But…it was hard knowing the realities of the treatment - how tough it would be. And he’d ask me.” He shook his head, his eyes distant again. “He knew that I knew how well it was going, whether or not he was going to make it. Whether – and when - he would need to think about giving up.”“That must have been tough.”“Yes…not an easy thing to do… It’s a strange feeling, isn’t it?” he added, suddenly. “All our childhoods, our fathers are the ones we emulate, for better or for worse. I admired my dad. He was a diplomat - did you know? I was born in Pakistan, but we moved around a lot, and he always knew how to fit in to any situation. They – fathers – they always seem to know everything when you’re a child, don’t they? And then you grow up, and suddenly they’re not infallible. Suddenly you… you know more about a situation than they do. They’re relying on you. And…that’s not easy, is it?” He looked at Jack very directly, with compassion in his eyes.Jack suddenly wished he’d confided in Thomas Chamberlain a very long time ago. It was strangely comforting talking to another man – he’d been used to sounding off about his problems to Clarissa or Nikki for years, but he sensed that Thomas might be right to suggest that his own experience was closer to Jack’s. Thomas was non-judgmental and unemotional and – fundamentally – kind. Almost brotherly.He sighed, lifting his shoulders slightly. “I don’t know what to say to him. The consultant says it’s a straightforward operation, but he seems so scared…”“It is,” Thomas asserted, confidently. “In the vast majority of cases, the patient comes through with no problems. She’s a good consultant too – excellent reputation. But…all you can do is be honest. I found that was the best thing with Dad. Because if yours is anything like mine, he’ll know if you’re hiding something. It’s perfectly natural for him to feel fragile and scared – a heart condition can puncture your confidence. Just keep supporting him, the only way you know how. And that means taking off whatever time you need. I trust you to make it up when you can – or document it as time off if necessary.”Jack relaxed a little. “Thanks. That helps a lot. I had wanted to ask about the op, but I didn’t like to.”“That’s OK. I overheard you telling Clarissa what the operation was, and thought I’d check out the consultant – just in passing, you know,” he added, a little lamely. Jack smiled. It was kind-of sweet – and very likeable – of Thomas to investigate something on behalf of a colleague, just in case he was asked to. However, he was beginning to appreciate that it was a very ‘Thomas’ trait. The pathologist loved to know things – he was very fact-focused. A bit of a geek…but then, weren’t they all at the Lyell? Maybe that was why they worked together so well. A little family of geeks.“Um, why are you…” he paused, not sure how to put it politely. “I mean, I appreciate the advice, but I’m wondering…what made you decide to talk now?”Thomas gulped the remains of his coffee. “Because of Clarissa. I feel that I let her down.”“Why on earth would you think that?”His boss shrugged. “I could see that she was struggling, but I kept my distance. I reasoned that you and Nikki know her much better than I do, and she wouldn’t need me to weigh in too. That may have been a mistake… It was a relief when she decided to take time off, because I’m sure she would have regretted not being with her mother.” He paused, then added quietly. “To tell the truth, I’m a little worried that she might not want to come back.”Jack bit his lip, concerned. “Has she said anything?”“No…it’s just my spidey-sense.” He grinned at Jack’s confusion. “You know – my intuition. Bit like the Corlett case.”Jack frowned and drained his mug. “I’d better get back to that. Thanks for this, though – I needed the break. And I appreciate the advice about Dad.”“Not at all.” Thomas patted his shoulder as they got up. “As I said, if you need some time, don’t hesitate. I don’t want to make the same mistake with you, and I certainly don’t want you to get stressed or feel that you need to leave. We need you at the Lyell. I need you – and I’m pretty damn sure Nikki does.”He was passing ahead of Jack out of the café, so his face was hidden, but there was just a hint of dry humour in the last few words.“I’m sure Clarissa will be fine, by the way,” Jack commented as they strolled back to the Lyell. “If she had any idea of leaving, she’d tell me first.”She didn’t tell him first.That was a bit of a gut-punch to Jack. He’d always known what was happening in Clarissa’s life. He’d been the first to know about Max, for example. They’d spent hours talking, over cheap wine and crappy snacks, about her secret hopes and fears when the gangly, awkward IT geek had walked into her life and steadfastly refused to be put off by her attitude. Clarissa had built a protective wall around her feelings – of necessity when she faced bullying and discrimination every day. It had taken a while for Max to penetrate it, but Jack had to admit that his persistence had been worth it. He’d always viewed the formidable Mullery-Thorndyke partnership as the real deal – modelling his own romantic relationships on theirs. He’d talked Clarissa into coming with him to the Lyell, and it had been one of the best decisions he’d ever made. The thought of having to carry on without her – of having to get used to another lab assistant – appalled him, but he was also deeply hurt not to have known.He meant to have it out with her when the opportunity arose. There’d be time – they’d have a drink or maybe he’d finally take her to that Michelin-starred restaurant that he’d promised on so many occasions…But then, quite suddenly, there wasn’t any time at all…
Jack stares after the stretcher taking DS Vail into the back of the ambulance, his thoughts scattering.
DI Guyatt’s voice seems to come to him from far, far away. “Three generations of the same family… We know Major Sealy’s house was broken into… Any evidence that anyone else was in the car with Sealy…”
His arm twitches. His blood seems to be running slow.
“Haven’t finished my investigation yet…”
He half-turns from the ambulance. His vision blurs…and then his legs give way.
“Jack? Jack!”
That chemical equation… a nerve agent… Oh, Christ… Oh God, please no… Dad – the operation… Nikki… Nikki… oh, Nikki…
He’s aware of faces in masks, the cloudy sky above, behind them. He feels himself being wheeled into an ambulance…and wonders if he’ll ever see the sky again…
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Afterwards, he remembered his hospitalization only in scattered moments. Time seemed to hold no meaning; he had no notion of how much of it might have passed. He might have been in that sealed-off room for only seconds or for months, for all he knew. His life shrank to the simple physiology of respiration. Breathe in, breathe out. That was all he knew. The rest of his body was useless; it was all he could do to keep breathing. He was vaguely aware of hands – moving his body, touching his hands, checking his vital signs – always there. Faces hovered – masked, their voices muffled. Once – more than once – it was Nikki hovering over him – no, that wasn’t right… She wasn’t Nikki, but she had her eyes – brown, gentle, all the compassion in the world focused right on him. Her voice was different, though – lower, but insistent, constantly reminding him to focus on his breathing. He knew she didn’t want to have to ventilate him.“Jack? Jack?”Her voice came again… but no, this time it was Nikki’s voice. His eyes flickered open, sought desperately, and found them. Two figures – the two most important people in the world. Faint behind the plastic walls, but clear enough. Her voice… his voice…. He heard the quiver in his father’s voice, the fear…“I… love… you.”The words were for both of them, neither more than the other. In that moment, it didn’t matter that one was his old dad, with whom he had a complicated relationship, and the other was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen – the woman that he dreamed, every night, of kissing, of touching, of holding in his arms all night. Both were his world. Both were all that mattered.He watched as her head fell upon his shoulders – watched them desperately until both faded from sight…There were other moments, though that was the most vivid, and the one that always stayed with him afterwards. It was a moment of pure clarity in a world gone mad – the moment he realised that Nikki would always be the one and only, that there would never – could never – be anyone else for him. That he’d die a single man if he couldn’t have her.He remembered Clarissa standing at that window – her words to him. “I would have told you first, but I knew you could talk me out of it.” He remembered the tears she dashed away before anyone could see them. Something else that didn’t quite make sense to his wandering mind: “I can’t lose you too.” He remembered Max once – his hand on the glass partition. “Come on, Jack, you’ve got to make it. Clarissa will never forgive you – you do know that?”And his father, always his father. “Don’t you go focusing on me now, son. Your old da’s OK. You just focus on getting better, you hear?” And another time, dearer than dear. “You’re my boy… You remember that now. You’ve always been my boy.”He could never remember Thomas. That hurt, afterwards. He knew Thomas had been there at the beginning. He had a vague memory of trying to tell somebody something, but he hadn’t been quite sure if that was Thomas or someone else – it was Nikki who confirmed it later. In the early days of his rehabilitation, he found himself relying heavily on Nikki and Clarissa to fill in the gaps where they could. He wanted to remember Thomas. He wanted to remember the clever, quirky, sometimes fussy, quietly amusing, unassuming, kind man who had sacrificed his own life to save Jack’s. The man who’d had been forced to leave his teenage daughter without a father. The man who’d cared enough about him – Jack - to take the ultimate risk. He wanted to go back years – to the moment they had met – and learn everything there was to know about Thomas. What motivated him, what he loved and hated, what had made him become a pathologist, what his hopes for the future were. If only he could go back, if only he could tell Thomas how much he respected and liked him. How much he – yes, in the end – loved him. How much Thomas could have been the brother that Jack had always wanted. Most of all, he wanted to know why. Why Thomas, and not him…and, God forbid, why not Nikki? Why hadn’t he been able to tell someone about the crumpled note in his pocket – that evil little document? If only Thomas had found it, if only they’d been able to decipher its meaning without Thomas having to test the vial…He would never forget the day Nikki told him Thomas was dead – the way she’d tried to stay outwardly calm to not disturb him, but then her face had crumpled up and she’d sobbed - harsh choking agonized gasps that told him more than words ever could. He’d wanted so much to hold her in his arms at that moment, but he could do no more than put his heavy aching hands over hers in mute comfort as the tears ran down his own face.He had plenty of time to brood over Thomas’ death. His recovery was painfully slow. The doctors were hopeful that his neurological system would recover once they had the correct treatment, although they didn’t have enough evidence to rule out long-term nerve damage – there were too few tabun survival case studies for them to draw on. Being on a ventilator had done him no favours either; he’d required emergency dialysis and although his kidneys were functioning properly again, he’d need regular screening for the rest of his life. His muscles had atrophied. He needed help to complete the most basic and intimate activities; it was humiliating to be so reliant on the nurses at the rehabilitation unit they transferred him to. Even when the physiotherapists had him up and walking on a treadmill, it wouldn’t take much to leave him breathless and shaky.Nikki, Clarissa, and Max supported him as much as they could. His father’s operation was reorganized and went ahead – it was as routine as Thomas had said it would be, but Max kindly stayed at Connor’s flat for the first couple of days, sleeping on the sofa and making sure Connor was comfortable and mobile. Connor rallied far more quickly than Jack could have anticipated. The fear he must have felt about losing his son appeared to have galvanized him to sort out his own life. He was soon as mobile as he had been before getting ill and was Jack’s most frequent visitor.Clarissa had agreed to stay on at the Lyell as long as she was needed. She and Max had had no firm plans anyway, and they were more than happy to put them on hold. That was a massive relief to Jack, who couldn’t bear to think of Nikki having to carry on alone in the Lyell. It was a while before they could even get into the place. All the laboratory equipment, their scrubs, and any spare clothing they kept in the vicinity had to be destroyed and the entire building deep cleaned. The MOD had done a thorough sweep of the office as well, looking for evidence, and Nikki found most of their personal items had been ransacked and left in an unholy mess. The worst job had been identifying Thomas’ things and boxing them up for Cassie. Clarissa told him much later about the day she’d found Nikki sitting on the floor and sobbing as she held the broken frames containing Thomas’ certificates, the glass shattered, and the papers ripped.Jack could only guess at most of what was happening at the Lyell, but he could see Nikki’s red-rimmed eyes and strained face whenever she visited him. She’d lost weight again; in fact, she reminded him of the weeks following Mexico. He was afraid that she might collapse under the strain and cursed his stupid, slow body for preventing him from being able to support her. He tried to improve her mood whenever he had an opportunity – making light of his own struggles and doing his best to remind her that she was not alone. She was his first focus whenever Clarissa or Max visited – he always wanted to know how they thought she was doing and nagged them into cooking for her. He found he had to restrain himself from texting to remind her to eat or sleep.He even recruited his father to the task – asking him to ring Nikki from time to time to try to distract her from her worries. Connor did more than that; he invited her out to lunch. Jack would never know how his father had charmed her into accepting the invitation; perhaps it had simply been in Nikki’s compassionate nature to accompany a lonely old man to lunch. Maybe it was the shared memory of that day in the hospital when they’d stood at his window and supported one another…but, whatever it was, something clicked between the two of them from that time on.It became obvious that they were collaborating in his recovery, taking turns to visit, and even conspiring to smuggle in little treats where possible. Nikki’s mood began to improve; she regained some weight and had more colour in her cheeks. The first day he was allowed out into the grounds, it was Nikki who pushed his wheelchair while Connor walked alongside. He remembered very clearly the sun warming his face and Nikki’s husky laughter as his father joked about Jack’s childhood. It felt like a breakthrough. Nikki became more tactile – far more openly affectionate than she had ever been. She’d occasionally greeted him with a kiss on the cheek in the past, but now did so each time she walked through the door of his private hospital room. She’d touch his arms, hands, shoulders frequently; she’d ruffle his hair in casual affection before smoothing it down and sometimes planting a kiss on his head. During most visits, sitting in the chair wasn’t good enough – she’d wriggle onto the bed next to him and lean her cheek against his shoulder.While these affectionate touches warmed him, he wasn’t entirely sure of their meaning. Nikki wasn’t flirting with him – at least, he didn’t think so. It was more as if she needed a constant reminder that he was still there, as if the sight and sound of him weren’t enough to reassure her. It was clear that she was still trying to process the trauma in her own way – not just of witnessing Thomas’ death, but of seeing him dying and not being able to touch him or provide any comfort. Well, he knew how that felt…She never mentioned Matt, and Jack wasn’t about to bring the subject up. He did notice that she didn’t go away at all during the two and a half months that he spent at the rehabilitation unit. Even for some time after he’d been discharged home, she was in and out of his flat most days. While he appreciated the concern, he needed to feel normal again. The physiotherapists and occupational therapists wanted him to try to do as much for himself as possible. It amused him to see Nikki hovering, almost quivering with her desire to help, as he completed the simplest of tasks, such as making a cup of tea.Slowly, slowly, he recovered. Indeed, slow was the word - he discovered a new understanding of the physical limitations imposed upon Clarissa and his father. It shocked him how long it took to walk down the street to the corner shop and how tired such an excursion could render him. Running was out of the question, but he made his way back to the gym as soon as he was able, where Andy was touchingly pleased to see him and happy to help him work out a programme. Gradually, he grew fitter and less dependent on his friends. Then, a few weeks after his return home, Nikki flew out to Washington for a week. And everything (or almost everything) seemed to have returned to normal.Returning to the Lyell was odd.He’d been absent for nearly five months. He stood in the office and looked around him, as if trying to find something familiar.It wasn’t that Nikki had redecorated or anything, but the space seemed empty. Sterile. Frighteningly neat, for a start. The mess had often driven Thomas mad (oh, God, Thomas…), but it had worked for Jack, Nikki, and Clarissa – a sort-of controlled chaos. They were used to manoeuvring around teetering piles of unprocessed files, half-drunk mugs of cold coffee, discarded items of clothing - the general accumulated detritus of three individuals who probably spent more time at work than was entirely healthy.Now his desk was practically empty but for the computer. It gleamed with polish. There was a small box on it containing his belongings – those that Nikki had managed to rescue from the MOD. As he looked around, he could see more boxes in various corners. It was as if Nikki hadn’t had the time or the heart to put everything back. It seemed that she and Clarissa had simply retrieved whatever they needed for their current purposes, abandoning the rest.The Lyell had only reopened completely a couple of months’ ago. Initially, they’d had to wait until the centre had been passed as safe to enter; even when they could re-enter it, the building was hardly habitable, let alone able to operate as a pathology lab. Nikki had had to reorder all the equipment and sort out the chaos left behind. The staff had been put on furlough, but many had since found employment elsewhere, so she’d had to interview new laboratory staff. She’d then had to rebuild the Lyell’s reputation by encouraging the Met’s detective inspectors to use them. In that, she was surprisingly lucky – despite her past difficulties with some Met officers, many were sympathetic. She’d started off slowly with more straightforward cases, such as traffic accidents, where the exact sequence of events was in dispute. The kind of cases where Clarissa’s skills with CCTV footage and events reconstruction were undisputedly the best in the business.Jack walked into Thomas’ office. It was a forlorn space, empty of all but the furniture. Clearly nobody had moved in yet. He didn’t actually know who would. He assumed Nikki had been approached once more about potentially taking over. She hadn’t been keen before, and he couldn’t imagine she would be now.Part of him hoped she would take over the Lyell, on the grounds that it would prove she was committed to staying; another part of him desperately hoped that she wouldn’t, for the very simple reason that it would make her his boss.He had a very specific reason not to want that to happen. Since his illness, he’d noticed a change in Nikki in relation to Matt. Her visits were far less frequent – she’d only been over there twice in the last five months, and he hadn’t visited at all. Nikki hardly ever mentioned him. Jack thought he’d know if they’d actually split up – he was sure Nikki would have told him – but he had at least some hope now that they were no longer a serious item. And one thing was for sure – if Nikki did split up with Matt, Jack would not make the same mistake again. This time, he would make his move – he wanted her, and he would make sure she knew it. No messing around, no casual flirting, no tentative suggestions to see if they got a response. He’d be honest about it - he’d ask her out for dinner, he’d damn well tell her how he felt. It’d be a hell of a lot easier to do that if she wasn’t his boss. “How’re you doing there, Jack?”It was Clarissa. She’d come in one last time to gather up her belongings. The long put-off Caribbean cruise was finally booked; they’d be off before Christmas. She wheeled herself into Thomas’ office.“Feels odd, doesn’t it?”That gave him a jolt. “He said exactly the same thing to me – when you went away. He thought you might not come back.”She sighed. “He was a very clever man – Professor Thomas Chamberlain. I miss him.”“I wish I’d got to know him better,” Jack admitted, looking at the bare wall where Thomas’ many qualifications had been so proudly displayed. “There was so much more to him than met the eye.”“I think Nikki saw it,” she said, quietly. “She loved him - perhaps not as much as Leo, but in a different way.”He nodded. “He really was everyone’s big brother, wasn’t he? I just didn’t see it soon enough...” He shivered slightly and turned to leave the office; the silence was starting to feel oppressive. “I also remember him saying that he didn’t know what I’d do without you and Nikki.”She followed him out. By her desk, she stopped and stared at it, as if trying to memorize the sight before she started to clear her possessions away. He sat at his own desk and watched her across it. “I know I don’t know what I’ll do without you. I know you’re doing what’s right for you, but…it breaks my heart to know that this’ll be the last time I’ll be able to look up and see you there.”She looked up at him, tears sparkling in her eyes. Clarissa-like, she dashed them away impatiently. “I’ll always have your back. You know that. Doesn’t matter where I am, doesn’t matter when it is. You can ring me any time.”He lifted his hand, extended it for the familiar fist bump. “Any time?” he teased. “Not sure Max’ll be on board for that.”She grinned. “He’ll have to be. Anyway, Hodgson, you’re acting as if we’ll never see each other again. Don’t forget Sunday lunch, and don’t forget to pick Nikki up on the way - not that you’re likely to,” she added, with the familiarly suggestive arch of her eyebrow.He shook his head in mock disgust. “Same old inuendoes. Some things don’t change.”“They’d better.” Her voice was surprisingly brusque, and he looked at her in surprise. “You nearly died, Jack. You need to sort your life out, once and for all. I won’t be here to keep an eye on you, so this is my last chance. Let’s not beat around the bush here – you are in love with Nikki.”He nodded, adopting her serious expression. “Yes, absolutely right. I am in love with her – have been for years, probably.”“And you’re going to do something about it, aren’t you?”“Yes… I need to wait until the time is right.”She sighed, shaking her head irritably. “Jack Hodgson, you will be the death of me!”“No, wait,” he raised a hand to stop her. “I need to find out what’s happening with Matt first. But I will. I promise you. I’m not going to mess it up this time.”She sighed again, seeming to accept this, and gazed at her desk. “Well…this won’t clear itself.”He stood up. “Give you a hand?”“Two if you can spare them.” She began to sort through some paper files while he fetched an empty box. “These are just for inputting and filing away. You can give them to Lynne – she’s very efficient. The open cases are on your desk, and I’ve emailed you the notes… Think you’re ready to get back to it?”“You betcha.” He felt almost as healthy as he used to. Boxing was definitely out for now, and he might never again be fit enough to compete. He’d started running again, though, and delighted in the feel of his muscles responding smoothly to his brain’s instructions. His experiences had left him with a newfound empathy for those with neurological disorders. His mind felt fresh and keen; he was ready to get stuck into a case.“I was just thinking…”“Steady there,” she muttered, as she opened her desk drawer.He grinned. “Are you free tonight?”She gave him a suspicious look. “I…can be. Why?”“I’m thinking dinner…”She gave him an arch look. “Michelin stars? You’re on, Jack Hodgson.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Jack’s phone buzzed. He sighed as he read the message from Clarissa.Talked to her yet?He texted a reply. Haven’t found right time.There was a longish pause, but he waited for the testy response he knew he would get. Sure enough…
I swear, when we get back, I WILL kill you. How hard can it be to take her to a restaurant and bloody well ASK her???!!!!
He winced – the number of exclamation marks were excessive, even for Clarissa at her most irate. He was just glad that her current location in the West Indies meant that video calling wasn’t an option – or at least not an option that Max was prepared to consider. “A complete break”, he had said, and he was sticking by it, although even he knew he couldn’t stop Jack and Clarissa texting almost as frequently as they’d done before.The Mullery-Thorndykes were drifting at present – both literally and figuratively. Max had taken extended leave (in truth, he could probably afford to take early retirement) and Clarissa currently had no work commitments, so they might return to the UK after their cruise or might carry on travelling around the world if the mood took them. Jack was rather amused by this concept – he’d only ever known Clarissa when she was studying or working, and she’d always been completely dedicated to her chosen profession and had never shown any enthusiasm for prolonged leisure. She did, however, enjoy learning languages and he’d often wondered whether she’d secretly yearned to travel more than she had been able to so far. He was happy for her – for them both – but that didn’t make him miss her less.Meanwhile, the Lyell remained oddly empty. The laboratory staff was back to full capacity and they’d hosted a couple of students, but Nikki remained the only fully qualified pathologist. There was a major University funding review going on, which didn’t help. Even if Nikki had wanted the professorship, she hadn’t been offered it so far. In the meantime, they were instructed to carry on as best they could to generate as much income as possible. Jack had no plans to replace Clarissa – again, he didn’t know if there was the money to do so. It had been a difficult winter. They’d struggled on through the myriad of mundane cases that came their way – arson, suicides, car accidents - all of which generated a lot of tedious work without much professional interest. Nikki chose not to move into Thomas’ office but instead turn it into a meeting room. He couldn’t help but be grateful about that – they were rattling around like two small peas in a very large pod as it was, and it was a relief to have her sitting opposite him most of the time. Nikki at least had some company with the lab staff, but Jack was feeling very lonely and rather overworked. During the run-up to Christmas and beyond, he’d been busy with Clarissa’s open cases, which had helped, but once he was no longer reading through her notes (and smiling at the occasional acerbic comment), he really began to feel her absence.He had spoken the truth to Clarissa. He did want to speak to Nikki, but there really wasn’t the time.The reality was that Nikki was struggling. Neither of them had realised just how vital a job Thomas had been doing for the Lyell. The rot had started to set in after Harry left. With three full-time pathologists, Leo had been able to manage the caseload very well. Once he was down to two, it had become more difficult to balance the books. Leo had been very similar to Nikki in his approach – more interested in the clinical work and inclined to get irritated by administration. The harsh reality was that the Lyell had been reaching a crisis point even before Leo’s death. Thomas had been brought in specially to sort it out, and he’d done a good job of steering them through various funding and political crises. Nikki’s problem now was that she’d been told to make sure the Lyell contributed to the University’s income, but it was difficult to do that with only one full-time pathologist – she didn’t want to have to turn work down. Thomas would have had the experience to know when to say “no”, but Nikki did not – as a result, she was constantly having to come in early and leave late to get through the caseload, and often spent weekends catching up on paperwork. Jack was having to work extra hours himself due to covering the work that Clarissa would normally do. He chafed against the tedious hours stuck in the office and was desperate for a more interesting case involving scene work, but very few opportunities came up before Christmas. Anyway, both he and Nikki were knackered most of the time and not really inclined to do anything after work, so he really hadn’t found the right time to ask her out.Over Christmas, by mutual (and exhausted) consent, they shut the Lyell down, and Nikki flew to Washington. Evidently Matt was still ‘on’ to some degree, although he fancied that Nikki didn’t seem quite as enthusiastic as normal – although that may have been wishful thinking. Jack hosted his father on Christmas Day – they went for their usual Christmas dinner at the pub, since neither of them had ever learned to cook the traditional full-on feast with all the trimmings that Connor enjoyed so much. They’d spent the afternoon watching old movies at Jack’s flat and then he’d driven his father home. It had bothered him that he couldn’t invite his father to stay, but his flat was a one-bed and Connor refused to let Jack to sleep on the sofa. In the New Year, Jack’s thoughts turned to the future. He’d once been proud of his bachelor pad – it hadn’t been easy to get on the housing ladder in such an expensive city and he’d rather enjoyed the life of a single thirty-something man with his own compact but well laid-out flat. As he grew older, however, the lack of space was beginning to irk him. He’d made a canny investment in an up-and-coming area and was confident that he’d now be able to stretch to a house in a slightly less central location. A three-bed would be good – he had some notion that he might be able to convince Connor to sell up and move in with him if there was a spare room for Ryan. He didn’t much relish the idea of Ryan moving in, but his brother’s parole would be up soon, and he’d need somewhere to go…with any luck, not for too long.He’d found a house sooner than he expected – a large old Edwardian detached near Blackhorse Road in northeast London. The decor was dated, the heating system dodgy and the windows draughty, but its generous size appealed to Jack. It was a house with potential, and Jack felt confident he could do it up himself – if he ever had the time. His flat sold very quickly, and he found any spare time he had during January and early February occupied with trying to sort out and pack his belongings. “Fancy another one?”Jack put his phone away and looked up at his dad. Connor was gesturing at his mug.“Yeah, thanks. I’ll put the kettle on -.”He made to get up, but his father was already on his feet and shooed him away. “Get on with you! I’m not dead yet.”Jack smiled at the familiar phrase and then looked over at the TV a little blankly. It was Sunday 23rd February 2020, and the early evening news was on, with the sound turned down. He frowned at the sight of an eerily deserted town square in northern Italy and reached over for the control to turn the volume up. Connor came through from the kitchen holding two mugs of tea. “Thanks for helping me with the tidying. I don’t think the place looks too bad now, does it? Looks alright for the photos.”Jack took his mug and took a sip of the scalding liquid. “It’ll do. I’ve arranged for the estate agent to come in tomorrow morning, OK?”“I won’t forget – don’t fuss,” his father replied, almost automatically. “OK but remember I can’t be here. Busy week.”“They’re all busy now. I can’t remember when you last took a day off.”“Hey, I was off all of Christmas! Anyway, I’m saving my leave up for the move.”“Yes, well, I think you work too hard. And so does Dr. Alexander. The poor girl looks exhausted.” It was one of his father’s little eccentricities that, although he now knew Nikki well, he still wouldn’t use her first name. “You should tell her to slow down a bit.”He laughed. “I can’t tell her what to do!”Connor pulled a wry face. “She your boss now?”“Well – sort of. Acting, anyway.” Officially, Nikki was Jack’s manager until a new professor was appointed (whenever that might be), although the reality was somewhat different. Even without his personal reasons for not wanting her to become his boss, Jack would have found it very strange. In January, to meet the University’s documentary requirements, they’d had to go through a very uncomfortable employee appraisal process. Nikki would probably have filled in Jack’s form by herself, or they might perhaps have lightened the atmosphere by completing it over a lunchtime drink at the pub, but she’d had a university representative present, watching her every move. They’d got through the ordeal with flushed cheeks and averted eyes, both fearing that if they so much as glanced at one another, they’d burst out laughing.Apart from that, and the occasional joke about her being able to order him around, they worked as equal partners, each of them respecting the expertise of the other. Jack had always organized his own work schedule anyway – both Leo and Thomas had given him that freedom, and Nikki certainly wasn’t going to change matters.Connor nodded towards the TV. “Getting a bit serious, isn’t it? Do you think it’ll come here?”“I…can’t see any reason why it wouldn’t,” he replied, cautiously. He and Nikki had been monitoring the news of the new coronavirus variant for some time now, and he knew she was getting increasingly worried. As far back as early January, she’d ordered extra personal protective equipment as a precaution. That had not gone down well with the University’s auditors. Personally, Jack found it bizarre that officialdom and the public in the UK still seemed to think they wouldn’t be affected, even though the virus had spread as far as Italy from China.Connor nodded. “Thought so. Damn government keeps saying the risk to the UK is low. Bunch of bloody liars, they are.”Jack picked up a coffee for Nikki at the usual café the following morning, knowing she was going to be in early. She took it from him with a tired smile. “How’s the day looking?”“Actually, not too bad for once. I don’t have a backlog – I just need to double-check something on that heart attack case.”“Not a heart attack?”“Oh yes, definitely – only the coroner’s got a supplementary question about the steroids he was taking. It won’t take too long.”He looked at her in concern. Connor was right – she did look tired. “Please tell me you didn’t come in yesterday.”She shook her head. “No, I worked at home… I just wanted to go over the paperwork for that meeting.” She laughed, flatly. “And then something wouldn’t balance. You know what I’m like with spreadsheets. Sorting it out went on a bit late into the night.”He paused, logging on to his computer. He’d been doing some research of his own overnight. He wasn’t a ‘restaurants’ kind of person – and in fact he wasn’t entirely sure Nikki was either – but he’d finally found the right sort of place…“Um, Nikki…? I was just wondering whether you’d like to – um… maybe… if you’re free tonight -.”“Go for a drink?”It wasn’t quite what he had in mind, but his mouth was suddenly dry. Her mind was clearly focused on whatever was on her screen. She didn’t even look in his direction as she sighed irritably.“I really wish I could, but they’ve just rescheduled that damn meeting for seven tonight. Think they want to talk to me about Thomas’ lectures. Sorry - some other time?”“Sure.” He busied himself with his e-mails, trying to hide his frustration. At that moment, her phone rang. She answered, listened for a moment, and then raised her eyebrows at Jack. “Potential murder scene, in a prison. Ready for something a bit more interesting?”The Scott Weston case worried Jack. It wasn’t, of course, the ‘Scott Weston case’ at all, except that it was in Nikki’s mind, almost from the start.Thomas would have taken her off the case immediately. Jack didn’t have the authority, and it appeared that Nikki didn’t have the necessary objectivity to exclude herself. It was typical of Nikki – always pushing herself to the limit. She would never listen to him! Thomas or Leo would have given her a stern talking-to. Even Clarissa, in her forthright way, might have had some influence over her. Naturally, Jack ended up floundering in her wake, trying to be supportive while all the time wondering at what point he should refuse to go down a path that he knew was leading them in the wrong direction. He was conflicted – a little angry with her for being so ‘Nikki-like’ in her obsession to get justice, but also sympathetic. Since she’d told him about her brush with death during Scott’s shooting spree at the university, he’d read up all he could on the case, including the testimonies she and Harry had given at the trial. He’d shuddered as he realised how close they – she – had come to being killed and had sent fervent thanks to a god that he didn’t believe in that she’d come through unscathed. He could hardly imagine the terror of having to crouch in a classroom as the sound of gunfire came closer or the grief of comforting a teenager bleeding to death in a corridor. He wasn’t so sure that he wouldn’t have reacted in a similar way to Nikki if he’d had the same experience…but that didn’t make it right for her to go after Weston without enough evidence.He felt sorry for DI Mason, who seemed like one of the nice guys, and certainly more pleasant and reasonable than many detectives they’d worked with, but it would never have occurred to him to betray Nikki’s trust by alerting the man to her conflict of interest…which made it all the more painful when she accused him of doing just that. He’d already had a sense of impending doom when they attended the arson at Pamela Weston’s house. Mason seemed a little distant as he greeted them and, as Nikki crouched over the burnt body, Jack saw the usually genial man give her a cold look. He turned away, trying to focus on the scene while wondering whether they were about to be dumped off this case. It was almost impossible to focus on his work back at the office while half-hearing the angry conversation between Nikki and the DI. Pamela’s body had been transferred to the Lyell after all, but he guessed Mason had had no choice in the matter. Certainly, his threat to report them didn’t bode well.As Nikki strode from the meeting room, her face was as angry as he’d ever seen it. “Well, that went well.” As soon as he said it, he could have kicked himself. He’d been aiming for levity, Clarissa-style, to try to lighten the atmosphere, but with his accent thicker than normal, it sounded hard – accusing even.She stopped dead and spun to face him. “How dare you talk about me behind my back!”His mouth dropped open in disbelief. “Excuse me? You’re the one who didn’t disclose your connection with the suspect.”“You had no right to tell him! I told you those things in confidence, Jack. I won’t make the same mistake again.”Her eyes were hard, as cold as ice, like a bullet to the gut.“All right…well, thank you for that,” he spat out bitterly as she turned away. “Oh, by the way, I didn’t tell him a damn thing. Maybe he – I don’t know – read the case file. If you’re in a mess, it’s not because of me.”She’d stopped and looked towards him again. He turned away briefly, then looked at her again. Expecting…well, he didn’t really know what. An apology, perhaps? A softening in her expression? Instead, she just stared at him for a moment before walking away. She couldn’t even say sorry for doubting him.He found it hard to speak to her for a while afterwards, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to hide his anger. He was aware of her hovering a little anxiously around the office, clearly realising that she’d been out of order but not seeming to know how to put it right. He did the only thing he could do in the circumstances – he focused in on the case with all of his attention, wanting to get it solved and out of the way as quickly as possible. This obsession with Scott wasn’t healthy for Nikki. She needed to find some way of moving on, of coming to terms with what he’d done all those years ago. The anger faded to be replaced by a sense of dull depression. In all the years they’d worked together, all the things they’d been through…he couldn’t believe that she had thought for a single moment that he would betray a confidence. If Clarissa had been around, she would have jollied him out of his black mood, but instead he could feel the tension building in his body. He wanted to fight – desired that sweet release more than he had done in years. He couldn’t fight – he knew he couldn’t, he was still feeling the after-effects of the tabun, and the doctors didn’t advise full combat sports. It didn’t help.He’d kept his head down, trying to avoid Nikki’s anxious gaze, but in the end, they were partners at work if nowhere else, and there was still a case to be solved. There was some solace to be found in working together. He could hide his feelings while they discussed the case, but he still felt sore with her and didn’t know how to get over it. He felt sulky almost, like some mutinous kid. But why wouldn’t she reach out to him – make the first move? He could feel her gradually withdrawing from him, aware of his anger. He feared that they would become no more than colleagues – polite and coolly professional, saying good morning on a Monday morning, wishing each other a good weekend. They’d never been just colleagues – right from the moment they’d met in that hotel room, there’d been a spark of…something more.While Dionne Selwyn was identifying her son, Jack noticed the younger brother Henry pacing the corridor. His heart went out to the young man, and he stepped out to check he was OK. “It’s a lot to take in. Give yourself some time.”Henry continued pacing. “Mum always made Jay take me everywhere with him. She was always working, and…she told him I needed someone to look after me. She tried to big him up, give him some responsibility, but…in truth, I reckon she thought I might keep him out of trouble... It didn’t work.”Instantly, he was back there... Da’s quiet voice. “Now, keep an eye on Ryan, son. You know what he’s like when he’s had a few…” Yeah, been there, done that.“Were you with him – that night?”“I – I was twelve. He’d just turned eighteen… I – I’d never seen anyone cut like that before…”“Were you arrested, with the other boys?”Henry shook his head. “I ran away as fast as I could – like a coward.”Jack shook his head. “Nah… you were just a kid… You should give yourself a break. I would’ve done the same.” He looked very intently at Henry. “You’re not your brother. You’re your own man.” Why was it so much easier to tell someone else that than it was to hear it? Why was it so hard to move on?He’d spent years trying to get past what he’d done to Ryan. Eight years at the Lyell alone. And what did he have to show for it? Had he really not grown up in all that time? Would he always be letting his emotions get the better of him?She was struggling too. He could see that, and yet he’d turned his back on her over some stupid little spat…She wasn’t answering her phone, but he knew where she’d be. Sure enough, she was in the park, running off her stress. She paused by his bench, her face a little blank. He couldn’t judge her mood, but she seemed prepared to listen.“Hi…thought I might find you here. You weren’t picking up,” he added, half in accusation. She always picked up these days. He always picked up too, since those awful days after Mexico.She watched him carefully, still jogging on the spot - clearly not wanting to sit down. This was the Nikki he loved though – bursting with energy, unable to keep still for a single moment. Some things never changed…His mouth twitched in amusement. “You wanna go?”She paused for another moment and then…there it was. The spark in her eye, the cheeky grin. Oh, Nikki… “Keep up, Hodgson.”And she was off. “Oh, God…” He darted after her. He was still a little out of shape these days. With his longer legs, she should have been easy game, but every time he seemed to be gaining on her, she’d put on an extra spurt.After twice around the lake, he gave up. “Too good for me.”She laughed but was pretty out of breath herself.“So…” he continued, while trying to get his breath back. “I managed to lift the DNA profile from the material you found under Pamela’s fingernails… Ran it against the Weston victims’ group.”“And…?”He shook his head. “Didn’t find a match.”She relaxed, clearly relieved. “I’m glad. We’ve been through enough.”He eyed her carefully. “I can’t even imagine what that experience must have done to you.”She looked away, across the lake. “One of those boys died in my arms… and what did I do?” She looked back at him, and he saw the pain in her eyes. “I went into work and wrote up the report.”“That’s what got those people justice, so you did a good thing,” he pointed out, gently. She subsided onto a bench and looked up at him after a moment’s pause. “Do you think I’m becoming desensitized to death? Otherwise, how could I do the job? How could I ever comfort Jay’s mother, knowing I’ve held her son’s heart in my hands?”He felt a rush of compassion for her. Leo or Thomas would have understood her perfectly; no doubt they’d often had similar feelings themselves. In his role, it was possible to be affected too, but maybe not in quite the same way.She’d told him once, during a slightly drunken evening, that one of her ex-boyfriends had described her as cold. He hadn’t said anything then, but he’d privately thought the man must be a fool. Nikki Alexander was anything but cold. If she had been, she’d never have let Scott Weston get under her skin again.“I think…” he sat down next to her, keeping some distance between them. “I think you’re deeply affected by every single person you take care of. That’s what makes you a brilliant pathologist.”She shook her head, sadly. “I still can’t answer the question of why, though. Why was it their loved one and not someone else’s.”“Well, nobody can…” He looked at the ground, feeling the old familiar grief once more. “Sure, if it comes to that, why am I here and not Thomas?”She stirred slightly. “Thomas…” The whisper floated across the water, a single word. Desolate.He looked at her intently. “I don’t know why it was him that day and not me… Or you…” He felt a shudder go through him at the thought, as he always did. If it had been her, where would he be by now?He went on. “I don’t know why you survived the shootings at the university… I just know that I’ll always – always – be grateful that you did.”Her head turned fully towards him…and he found himself swimming in the depths of those beautiful dark eyes. Her face was fully open to him once more – honest and tender and…loving. He felt an urge to shift towards her…suddenly wanted more than anything to cup her face in his hands and draw those lips towards his… His muscles tensed to anticipation…but he kept his distance, giving her the space to speak.She sighed. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that before.”He felt the tension leave his body as he touched her arm briefly, smiling in reassurance. “That’s alright.” He cut eye contact and looked away, a little afraid of communicating his desire to her. It was a fragile moment, and he wasn’t sure she would welcome his feelings, even if she shared them.He was aware that she was still looking at him. “Um, Jack… You said something about getting a…a drink…some time.”His head shot towards her again; he hadn’t been expecting that...“I – uh…” He swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. “Actually, I’d been thinking of…of dinner. My treat…”“Oh!” She smiled, looking down at her hands. Was it his imagination, or were her cheeks a little pink? “Um, yes, I’d like that.”He couldn’t prevent the little smile creeping onto his lips. “We could go back to that pub you like. Or…wherever you want. There’s a new place on -.”“Jack,” she put a hand on his wrist, her fingers stroking very lightly over his pulse point, and he felt his blood sing. Did she know what she was doing to him? Her eyes were sparkling as she grinned at him, her cheeks definitely a little pink. “It could be a pizza or Michelin stars, but I have a strange feeling that I’ll enjoy it anyway.” He could have sat on that bench forever, but she moved her hand, leaving a warm sensation behind as she got up. “But, in the meantime, we’ve still got a case to solve.”He stood behind the police cordon at the entrance to the prison. He already knew she was safe, but his heart was beating uncomfortably fast. It was lucky, in a way, that he hadn’t known the full situation until it was over – Mason having rather too much on his mind to think about ringing Jack immediately.Scott Bloody Weston. Again. He saw them coming out. Nikki, diminutive among the green-suited paramedics. He knew she hadn’t been hurt – Mason had told him not to worry – but his eyes searched frantically, looking for signs of injury, even as she walked alongside the stretcher carrying that man to the ambulance.He surged forward as they came through the gate, his fists clenching and unclenching, ready to shout. Don’t you ever bloody learn, Nikki! Why do you always have to do this to me?! It took all his effort to stand back, to give the paramedics room.One of them was trying to put a blanket around her shoulders; she shrugged it off impatiently, and he heard her voice, calm and authoritative as she handed over Scott’s care, describing his stab wound and the steps she had taken to keep him alive. Professional as ever, although he heard the fatigue in her voice.Scott Bloody Weston… Whom no one would have mourned, except that delusional girlfriend of his.Her eyes went in his direction, and she gave him a grimace of mute apology even as she spoke. It was the anxiety in her expression that stayed his tongue. On this occasion, anyway.As the ambulance drove away and she finished talking to Mason, she walked over to him, weary but still determined to stay calm.“Don’t say it.”“I won’t.”“It really wasn’t my fault this time,” she added, quietly. “I know I walk into situations sometimes; I know I worry you…but we couldn’t have predicted this.”“No, we couldn’t,” he agreed.Unexpectedly, her forehead dropped forward to rest against his chest. He felt a tremor, a sob, run through her body as she leaned into him, the calm demeanour deserting her at last.“Nikki…” Her name was just a shuddering breath, an exhale of relief, a prayer. The only prayer that would ever matter... He ran his hands gently up her arms to grip her shoulders. It would be all too easy to wrap his arms tightly around her, to lift her up and carry her away to the warm safety of his car. To drive her home, to hold her, and comfort her, and kiss away all the terror... To tell her that he would never let her go again, that he would spend every minute of his life from now on keeping her safe.From the tremble in her body, he knew she wouldn’t resist him if he did. She leaned all her weight on him, as if all her strength had deserted her, as if only he could hold her up.He dipped his head, inhaling the scent of her hair and letting his eyes close for a moment. Lifting his head again, he saw Mason approaching them. He saw the man’s steps falter, saw the understanding in his face as he turned slightly away from them. He sighed, tightening his grip on Nikki’s shoulders. “Hate to say it, but I think Mason wants a word.”She gave a shuddering breath and put her hands on his chest, pushing back slightly to look up at him. “I couldn’t do it, Jack. I couldn’t let him die.”He shook his head and smiled at her, gently wiping a tear from her cheek with his thumb. “I know you couldn’t. It wouldn’t be in your nature to do that. And you think that you’re desensitized?”She laughed, shakily, and stood back, pushing her hair away from her face a little self-consciously. “I bet I look a mess.”“What, you? Never…” He stepped away, giving her the space she needed to pull herself together.“I’ve got a damn lecture to give this afternoon too. Hope he doesn’t keep us long – I really need to get home and change.”“Think you’re up to it?” he asked, eyeing her cautiously. She nodded. “I’ll have to be… It’s OK – once I’ve had a shower and a strong coffee, I’ll feel better. It’s the last one anyway.” She smiled at his surprise. “Sorry – that’s something I meant to tell you before. They’ve got someone to take over temporarily. Some visiting professor – apparently, he’s happy to take over the next few lectures until they appoint a permanent replacement.”“How do you feel about that?” She’d been buzzing when she’d come back from the first lecture. He’d got the impression that she’d enjoyed it much more than she thought she would.She shrugged, smiling ruefully. “It’s OK. It’s not as if I don’t have enough to do… Only - as it’s probably the last lecture I’ll ever do - will you come?”He squeezed her elbow gently as they turned to face Mason. “I’d be delighted to. Drive you there, if you like?”She leaned in against him slightly, her shoulder brushing his arm, her fingers ghosting the inside of his wrist again. “And maybe afterwards… dinner?”He had to bite back his smile as the DI approached.“As we deal with the science of the human body, we’re searching for evidence. For facts…to understand the last minutes of someone’s life. The cause of their death. But we also deal with the living…”He sat right at the back of the darkened lecture theatre, not wanting to distract her.“The last time I was here, you – Ollie – asked me a question,” she gave a quick smile to a student sitting in the second row. “And I answered that a good pathologist shouldn’t be affected by death…and I thought about that a lot because…it’s not actually true.”There was a slight movement at the periphery of Jack’s vision. He glanced to his left and saw a figure moving quietly into a seat at the far side of the lecture theatre. He refocused on Nikki; she didn’t seem to have noticed the newcomer as she continued her talk.“It is hard sometimes when you see as much horror as we do, and sometimes we need help to process the things we see...” Her eyes sought Jack, focusing on him for a moment before continuing. “And that’s OK…so, I’m sorry. I made a mistake.” She smiled. “But to err is human…”“To forgive, divine.” He murmured it, hardly aware of doing so until he saw her smile warmly at him. There was a stir at the sound of his voice – some students stared curiously in his direction. The young man she’d addressed – Ollie, was it? – turned to look up, and Jack saw a flash of hostility in his eyes.When the lecture ended, he walked slowly down the steps, watching her interact with a couple of students who had gone to thank her and wish her well. It really was a shame that she wasn’t carrying on; she seemed very natural in this environment. As he approached the bottom of the steps, Ollie emerged from the row next to him. Jack stood back politely, sensing that he wanted to speak to Nikki, but the man – really just a boy – gave him another resentful look and walked away up the steps.Jack shrugged and continued down. There was still a small knot of people at the front of the lecture theatre, but Nikki walked over to him, grinning. “Enjoy it?”“Took me right back to those uni days…” He touched her shoulder gently. “You were terrific.”She flushed, self-consciously pushing her hair back as she gazed up at him. “Thanks…”He loved that look – loved that his open admiration had put that blush on her cheeks. Dinner couldn’t come soon enough…“She certainly was. Couldn’t have put it better myself.”The new voice broke in on them. Jack turned his head towards the source. A tallish, dark-haired man strode towards them, smiling. He knew that face…He felt Nikki’s quick intake of breath - turned back towards her instantly to see the sudden pallor on her face. Without time to even think about it, he took a step forward, his hands going to her waist protectively as she slumped over…“Harry?”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The sweeping-off into his arms didn’t go quite as smoothly as Jack had expected. Nikki might be slim, but she was also currently a deadweight. It had been as much as he could do to prevent her slumping onto the floor, and his knees buckled as he deposited her into the nearest lecture seat. He knelt next to her, his arm around her neck. Her head fell back against his shoulder, her face deathly white. There was a murmur of concern from the students standing nearby.He rubbed her cheek vigorously with his free hand, trying to rouse her, while snapping instructions to whoever might hear them. “Water – quickly!”“Here.” Harry crouched on the other side of her, a glass in his hand. His face was creased with concern and dismay, but his hands were sure and calm as he took over Jack’s attempts to bring her around. Jack let him, recognising that the doctor was rather more qualified. “C’mon, Niks.” As her eyes fluttered open in his direction, Harry steadied her head and lifted the glass, encouraging her to take a sip. “I’ve never known her to faint before,” he murmured to Jack.“She’s had a hell of a day.” And, knowing Nikki, she probably hadn’t eaten much. Too keyed up after the events at the prison, no doubt. As her eyes moved towards his voice, he summoned a shaky smile, trying to reassure her. “I bet you only had a coffee for lunch, am I right?”The colour came back into her cheeks, and she managed to sit up. “Thanks… Sorry for the fuss. It was just a shock…”This was aimed at the knot of anxious students. One of them, a young woman, leaned towards her. “Sophie’s gone to get the nurse.”“It’s really not necessary…” There was a fine sheen of sweat on her forehead, and her hands were shaking as she took the glass from Harry. Jack muttered a curse under his breath. One-handed, he pulled a protein bar out of his pocket, ripped the packaging with his teeth and proffered it. She grimaced but nibbled the end of it before taking a gulp of water.“Thank you.” Her voice was stronger now. “I really didn’t mean to shock you that much.” Harry sounded contrite, but there was now a slight smile on his face that made Jack grit his teeth. As if she sensed his tension, Nikki put a hand on his arm, squeezing it slightly. “Give me a hand up?”She made to get up, but Jack gently pressed her back into the seat, removing his arm from around her and sitting back on his heels. “Probably best stay still for a minute?”“Yes, take a few deep breaths,” Harry advised her.She gave him what Jack could only describe as an old-fashioned look. “Only just back and already telling me what to do?” A panicked look came into her eyes, and she lurched forward abruptly. “Oh God, I’m going to be sick…”At that moment, though he wished her no harm, Jack would have given anything to see Nikki vomit all over Harry’s designer shoes. Both men hopped out of the way with an instinct born of experience, so the only thing to get spattered was the carpet, by what was mostly liquid and smelled strongly of coffee and bile. Jack and Harry glanced at one another, briefly united in their reaction to the stench.Jack sighed and found a clean tissue in his pocket for Nikki to wipe her face. “Eugh…It was that foul bar, Jack.”“Yeah, of course it was, and nothing at all to do with having an empty stomach…and being held at knifepoint by bloody Scott Weston a few hours ago.”He made the comment with relish, eyeing Harry as he did so. The pathologist’s head shot towards him in shock. Luckily, the campus nurse arrived at that point and took over. After some preliminary checks, she led Nikki off to the first aid room, ignoring her protests. Jack and Harry followed them, meekly. As they approached the first aid room, the nurse stopped and gave them a quelling look. “It’s a small room. I don’t think we need a committee.”As the door swung shut in their faces, Harry grabbed Jack’s arm. “Scott Weston?”“Yeah. The shooter that you saved.” He couldn’t help the accusation in his voice, even though he knew it was entirely unfair. He knew from reading the records that Harry had had no idea he was saving the instigator – and even if he had, he was still a doctor with a duty of care to his patients. It was no different to Nikki just a few hours’ earlier.Harry was silent for a moment, his eyes distant. “Jesus. I need to know about this.” Jack glanced at the closed door. “I’d better go and get her something to eat.”“Let’s go to the café.” As Jack paused, irresolute, Harry added. “She’ll be there for a while. They won’t let her leave until they’re sure she’s OK. Text her to meet us there – then we can get her something, and you can tell me what happened this morning.”Jack let Harry pay for their drinks and a pasta salad for Nikki, figuring it was the very least the pathologist could do.“So, I guess you’re Jack,” was his opening comment as he brought the tray over. Jack took his cup of tea with a terse nod of thanks. “You’ve heard of me?”Harry smiled. “She’s mentioned you – yes.”“Sorry -,” he put the cup down, staring at the other man. “There’s something I’m not getting here. You’ve been in touch with Nikki?”Harry paused. “I’ll explain in a minute. Tell me about Scott Weston, before she gets here.”Jack recounted the bare bones of the case, his eyes taking in Harry’s appearance as he spoke. Harry hadn’t changed very much. He was as conventionally handsome as he had appeared in the photographs. There was some grey in his hair, which was perhaps a little longer than normal and flopped over his face – in most men of his age, that would have looked ridiculous. He wasn’t as tall as he had at first appeared – of course, few men were from Jack’s point of view - but Harry was thin and wiry, which gave an impression of height. He looked unshaven and a little fatigued. His suit was crumpled from travel but bespoke – clearly, there was a lot of money attached to a New York professorship. He wasn’t wearing a ring on his left hand, but there was a faint tan line on the relevant finger – Jack’s eyes narrowed as he noted that.He fancied he could see why Nikki might have been attracted to this man. It wasn’t so much Harry’s appearance, although Jack was objective enough to acknowledge his physical attributes. It was more to do with the aura of fierce intelligence that the man emitted – that and a certain glint in his hazel eyes that hinted at a rebellious nature.Harry was silent for a moment after Jack finished, his eyes distant. Then he sighed and took a gulp of his tea. “Typical Nikki. Although, no doubt I’d have done something similar in her shoes...” He looked at Jack and there was a hint of amused apology in his eyes. “We doctors really are a bloody nuisance when it comes to hopeless causes. I’m sure it must be irritating.”Jack shrugged. “I get it.”“Do you?” Those eyes were very penetrating. “Well…anyway, it must have been a shock to see Weston again… Do you happen to know if she ever got therapy for that shooting – you know, later? I know she didn't at the time, but these things come back..."“Um…yes…but not for that,” Jack told him, cautiously. He had no notion of what – or how much - Nikki would want Harry to know about her life since he’d moved away. “At least, I don’t think so…” For obvious reasons, he hadn’t known much about Nikki’s therapy after the unfortunate incident with her hospital notes. He had no notion of the topics covered or whether they’d gone into any other traumas. But then, of course, he hadn’t known anything about this incident until a few days’ ago.Harry’s eyes narrowed, clearly picking up on what Jack was very carefully not saying. He might have pursued it further if Nikki hadn’t arrived at that moment.She was looking a little pale but otherwise fine as she sat down, a little annoyed. “She wanted me to lie down for ten minutes – ‘just to make sure’! It’s not as if I’m a doctor or anything!”Jack shoved the salad in her direction. “Eat.”That earned him a look, but she picked up the plastic fork and stabbed at a piece of pasta with unnecessary force. She then focused her laser stare on Harry while she chewed slowly and oh-so-calmly. Harry earned a few grudging points from Jack for the length of time he managed to hold her glare before shifting uncomfortably.Nikki made him wait, deliberately munching her way through her salad in silence. When she’d finished, she pushed the plastic container away and leaned back in her chair.“Now, perhaps you’ll tell me what the bloody hell you’re doing here.”Her voice was icy cold, and Harry winced. “I’m really sorry. I meant it as a surprise. Bit stupid, now I think about it.”“You’re the visiting professor?”He nodded. “I came over for a lecture series… didn’t you see anything about it?”She shook her head. “Too busy to even think about anything but work…since Thomas Chamberlain died.”Harry paused, his eyes downcast. “That was terrible. He was a good man.”“You knew him?” Jack couldn’t help putting in.Harry nodded. “Just in academic circles – you know…conferences… He was well-liked.”Nikki gave a half-laugh, half-sob at this, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears. “What did he always tell us, Jack? Funny how we didn’t believe him at first…”He stroked her arm gently, a little aware of Harry’s sharp eyes taking in the tender gesture. “So, you haven’t moved back over permanently?” he asked, partly to distract the other man.“Oh no, nothing like that! I really did fly in for a lecture tour.”“To be honest, your timing is a bit shit,” Nikki commented, wiping her eyes.“Yes – I didn’t mean to upset you -.”“I didn’t mean that.” She jerked her head towards a nearby screen, set to News24. Harry frowned. “Yes, in retrospect, another stupid decision. But you know what those lectures are like. The institutes have already paid… Also,” he added, in a quieter voice. “I’ll be honest – I had a reason for wanting to get away at the moment.”Nikki looked meaningfully at his ring finger.“I don’t want to discuss that here.” He glanced in Jack’s direction. “But…anyway, half the lectures were cancelled by the time I got here, and I don’t expect we’ll go ahead with any of it now. My flight back isn’t until the end of March, and it’s damned near impossible to get an earlier one with all the panic going on. The Dean knew I was going to be over here and offered me a guest slot ages ago – bit of prestige for the university, I suppose.” He looked a little embarrassed at his own acknowledgement of his star status. “Actually, she originally offered me the entire term, but I guess she knew I wouldn’t be able to take it.”He glanced at Nikki, but she nodded, not seeming bothered. “Yes, I knew I wasn’t her first choice, but I had no idea it was you.”“Well, anyway, as I was here, and couldn’t get home - and had nothing much to do for the next few weeks… I’ve got no classes myself until after Easter - and I was a bit curious, I suppose.” He looked around. “This place is hardly recognisable.”“Changes all the time,” she agreed absently, frowning at her hands. “Yeah, they’ve got the money to do it up… Just a shame they don’t also have enough to employ a second pathologist,” Jack commented caustically.Harry leaned back, looking at them both with sympathy. “You’ve had it rough this year, haven’t you? First Thomas… and then Clarissa Mullery leaving.”Jack huffed out a laugh. “Now I suppose you’ll tell me that you knew her?” He knew they had never met, of course – Clarissa would certainly have told him if they had.Harry smiled. “Only by reputation.”Both men jumped as Nikki thumped her palms on the table. “Ok, look. We need to talk – and I don’t want to do it here.” She looked at Jack. “Can you drive me home?”“Sure.” Startled by her sudden decision, he stood, grabbing his jacket.She looked at Harry. “I’ll text you my address. Can you meet us there in two hours?”“Um – yes, I think so.” Harry looked equally startled. “I’m staying in a hotel near here. I’ve just got to see the Dean first… Can I bring anything with me?”She gave him a cold look. “Nothing…apart from a decent explanation for not telling me you were coming. Oh yes…and perhaps you can also tell me why you’ve left your pregnant wife.”They walked silently to Jack’s car. Once inside, Nikki took a shuddering sigh and seemed to relax.He glanced at her. “You OK?”“Yes, I think so… God, that is so bloody Harry… I don’t really know why I’m surprised.”He started the car. “Yeah - I’m a bit confused by all this. I didn’t think you were in touch with him anymore?”She ran a hand over her face. “Please don’t get pissed off. I’ve had just about enough shit today, to be honest.”“Why did you invite him over, then?”“Because I need to talk to him! If I don’t do that today, it’ll slip. I need to know what’s going on…” She paused. “Look, Jack, I would have told you before, but my mind is just so full of… of everything. I feel so confused…”She whispered the last few words. He suspected they hadn’t been intended for his ears. He risked taking his hand off the wheel for a second to squeeze her leg.“I’m not going to make anything more difficult for you. Just tell me.”“I met him in Washington - at Christmas. Matt was so busy, there were a tonne of parties…” She shuddered. “All those politicians. I needed a break – needed to be with my own kind of people for a bit. There was a meeting at the Carnegie Institute – just a networking event, you know… And Harry was there. We chatted, caught up on things, and he came back for dinner to meet Matt.” She caught Jack’s eye and smiled. “It was fine. Just like meeting an old friend. I kind-of wished I’d done it years ago. He told me all about Jennifer; said they were expecting a child. I was happy for him. I thought he’d settled down at last…”“At the grand old age of fifty,” Jack murmured. She summoned a weary giggle, swatting at his arm. “Don’t be mean. He’s not quite that old!”“Not far off… Doesn’t seem to me like he’s grown up very much.”She frowned. “Well, if it comes to that…” But she bit off her comment quickly. He wasn’t entirely sure which of them she was referring to. Neither of them had a sterling record when it came to settling down and starting a family. Who was he to criticize Harry?“I’m sorry about dinner, by the way.”“Nah, not a problem. I hadn’t had time to do much about it anyway.” She didn’t need to know that he’d booked a table at that new restaurant. They drove in silence for a while. As they approached her house, she stirred and touched his arm. “Please don’t leave. Please stay – if you can?”He pulled up. “Not going anywhere. Not if you don’t want me to… He might want me to go, though.”“He can want all he likes.” Her voice was surprisingly harsh. “Sure.” His lips were twitching, a smile threatening. It was good to know that she wanted him there. He wouldn’t want to interfere, of course, and they were very old friends and had a lot to talk about… Even so, he didn’t entirely trust Harry’s motives.She was still sitting in the stationary car. “We’re a unit, aren’t we, Jack?” Her voice was very quiet, and he sensed she was fighting tears again. She was so tired – the fatigue thickening her voice. All he wanted to do was sweep her into that house and put her straight into her bed - with the best of intentions on this occasion. She looked as if she could sleep for a week.He leaned into her, trying to give her strength by the warmth of his arm against hers. “We are. We’ll get through everything together.”She smiled up at him. By the streetlights, he saw the gleam of tears on her face.“Promise?”Jack considered himself a reasonably neat and orderly person in his domestic life. Nikki’s style was a little more rambling and artistic, but her house was always sparklingly clean. It was homely though – at least, he’d always found it so. He wasn’t sure whether that was the house itself or just because Nikki was in it.Harry’s eyes widened appreciatively as he looked around, handing his jacket to Nikki.“Very nice. When did you move here?”“Oh, a few years’ ago. Not long after you left, actually.”He smiled, an expression of shared reminiscence. “I liked that flat. Remember when I moved in?” Catching Jack’s eye, he added a quick explanation. “After my flat blew up.”Jack smiled politely, stepping back to give Harry access to the lounge, while Nikki went to the kitchen to fetch the wine. He felt a little awkward, hovering in the background like an over-protective bouncer. His height wasn’t always a disadvantage, but he was aware that he could give the impression of looming. He’d learned to affect a casual leaning posture over the years to avoid intimidating people. He was also aware that Harry might have the wrong impression – that Jack and Nikki might look just a little cosily domestic – and he wasn’t entirely sure that he wanted the other man to know the truth. It was partly for that reason that he deliberately positioned himself on the sofa, waving Harry towards a chair.Nikki joined him on the sofa, pouring out the wine and passing Harry’s glass to him. “OK. Talk.”The pathologist looked a little shocked at her abrupt tone. She sighed, rubbing her face. “Look, I’m sorry, Harry. It’s been one hell of a day and all I really want is an early night… But I think you owe me some kind of explanation for just walking in on me like that.”“Of course – I understand.” Harry glanced towards Jack. Jack returned the gaze mildly while taking a long sip of his wine. He could see that Harry wanted to be alone with Nikki, probably for no other reason than the desire to tell his story in confidence. Maybe he felt that it would be easier to fall back into their old easy intimacy if it was just the two of them. Well, that was not happening.“Why didn’t you tell me when we met at Christmas?”“Because I didn’t know I’d be here.” Harry ran a hand through his hair. “You know what it’s like! Well, OK, maybe you don’t. My schedule is crazy. I’m practically full time at the university; I have guest lectures; on top of that, I occasionally get pulled into an unusual forensic case. Don’t get me wrong – I love my job. But it’s hard to keep track sometimes. My PA organized the guest lecture way back before Thomas died. I agreed at the time without thinking much about it, and by the time I saw you at that meeting, I’d forgotten. As for the work here, I really did only agree to take over a couple of days’ ago. I didn’t realise you’d been doing the lectures up to now. She mentioned it when I met her earlier on, so I thought I’d come along to hear you.”He smiled at Nikki, his eyes warm with admiration. “You were good. I mean, I always knew you were excellent at demonstrations, but you were quite inspirational. I was very impressed – and actually rather sorry that I’ll be taking over.”“Oh well.” She shrugged, looking down as she sipped her wine. “It’s not as if we’re not busy enough at the Lyell.”“Yes, well, I’ve got some ideas about that…”“Really.” Nikki leaned forward. From this angle, Jack couldn’t see her face, but her voice was hard. “What kind of idea? Are you planning on coming back for a bit?”“God, no! Nothing like that.” The reassurance was quick and convincing, but Jack fancied that Harry was responding to Nikki’s body language. For all that Nikki was unsure of taking the professorship, she clearly wasn’t prepared give up her seniority. From the uncertain look in Harry’s eyes, he was beginning to realise that this wasn’t the wide-eyed, fun-loving young woman he had worked alongside. Eight years was a long time.Nikki relaxed, but only slightly. Jack could feel the tension thrumming in her body, even with the gap between them.“No, I was just thinking…” Harry shrugged, self-consciously. “I’m doing very well, as you know. I don’t really need the money they’re offering me for this term. I asked the Dean if she would reserve it for you instead.”“Why on earth…?” Jack couldn’t keep silent any longer. “Why would you do that?”“It’s a substantial chunk of funding.” Harry leaned back in his chair, gulping his wine. “It’s not an idle brag if I tell you that my guest fees are pretty high these days.” He looked at Nikki. “The amount they’re prepared to pay me for one term is probably enough for you to hire an entry-level pathologist for a year. Obviously, the funding’s not guaranteed beyond that, but it might help you expand the workload and get the Lyell back on track?”He was looking at Nikki, but she didn’t respond immediately. Her head was bent over her hands, and she seemed to be trying to work something out.Jack shook his head in disbelief. “That’s…extremely generous of you.”Harry shrugged again. “Like I said, I’m doing very well. I don’t need the money. It’s only an accident that I’m here at all… The only thing is – I can’t help wondering if those lectures will even go ahead? The situation’s not looking promising, is it? To be honest, I’m rather surprised that they haven’t closed the universities yet.”Jack agreed privately. It was already clear that this coronavirus was going to cause a lot of trouble – and very soon. “Talking of which… I’d be very careful, if I were you, Jack,” Harry added softly. Jack frowned. “How do you mean?”Harry paused. “I’ve been reading the preliminary case reports… We don’t yet know what this variant can do, but it’s clearly not just severe pneumonia. I suspect there’s something systemic going on – possibly vascular. You’ve been through a lot physically – insults to your renal and cardiovascular system in particular… You do not want to get it.”Nikki looked up, suddenly. “You think he needs to self-isolate?”“Oh, come on! That’s…ridiculous.” He laughed, but his mind was suddenly racing. The new house… Dad… He needed to think about his father. As soon as the sale went through, it would probably be best if Connor moved in with him, rather than waiting until his own flat sold.“Just…talk to your doctors about it. That’s all I’m saying.”Nikki looked at him, her face serious. “I think he’s right. Talk to the team and let me know what they think.”Jack huffed his annoyance. He still had regular appointments with a medical team – they felt increasingly irrelevant, but he knew that as one of the few survivors of a nerve agent, he was contributing to important medical research.She looked back at Harry. She was calmer now, focused on something important. “What about us – the Lyell? I’ve ordered in extra PPE…”Harry shifted. “I would expect you’ll get some briefings within the next couple of weeks.”“You don’t know anything for certain? You sound as if you might.” Her expression was keen as she stared at him. “Something you’re not supposed to say?”“No, Nikki.” His eyes met hers fully. For a moment, there was a silent communication between the two pathologists, and Jack felt a little excluded. Then Harry went on. “No, I don’t have any kind of insider knowledge, if that’s what you think. But I’ve read up on this – and I think they would be foolish not to prepare for a high mortality rate over the next few months. Pathology labs need to get prepared for that.”There was a silence as they each contemplated what might lie ahead. Jack found his hand sliding automatically across the sofa towards Nikki, seeking comfort. His fingers bumped against hers, evidently on the same quest. Eventually, Harry sighed and drained his glass. “The question is…will they be prepared? I’m not confident with our PM. Whitty’s good, but will they listen to him? The situation’s no better over in the States of course…”“Knowing all this,” Nikki said quietly. “Knowing what might be coming…why are you staying here? Why aren’t you making more of an effort to get back before Trump closes the airports?”“I should be, shouldn’t I?” Harry muttered, leaning forward to refill his glass.“What about Jennifer and the baby?”This time the pause was so long that Jack began to wonder if Harry intended to reply at all. The pathologist was staring at the floor, his overlong hair concealing his expression.“The baby…it isn’t mine.”“What?” Nikki leaned forward. “Are you sure?”“Certain.” His head turned sideways to give Nikki a significant look. “The timing’s all wrong. She’s…um…further along than she thought – or further along than she told me, anyway.”The back of Jack’s neck prickled with discomfort. This was not meant for his ears. He made to get up. “Er – I could go and put the kettle on...”Harry made a weary gesture. “No, you’re OK. I don’t care, anyway. I suspect Nikki would end up telling you, even if you weren’t here.” He grimaced. “You’re radiating suspicion about my motives as it is – don’t bother to deny it.”“Did you already know when we met at Christmas?”Harry shook his head, his eyes distant. “We’d taken a break from each other. We got back together a few weeks before Christmas.” He gave Nikki a wry look. “You know me well enough. I was never a family man, was I? What with the issues with my father and all that… I never planned to be a dad. Then, Anna…when I found out that she had been pregnant when she died, it was a shock. It made me think – what if she’d lived? She would have told me – and how would I have reacted? What if I’d made her feel that the baby wasn’t welcome?”He choked on the last few words and broke off to take another gulp of wine.“Oh, Harry…” Nikki leaned over and put her hand on his arm in instinctive sympathy. “You wouldn’t have done that – you’d have adjusted.”“Maybe… Anyway, when I went the States, I wanted a new start. I wanted to feel more settled. From the moment we met, Jennifer felt right. There didn’t seem much point in waiting. I’d done a little too much of that already…” The look he gave Nikki was loaded with significance. Jack noted, absently, that her hand was still on his arm.“So, we got married, but we didn’t talk about having kids. She’s a lot younger than me and she’s ambitious. I think she thought there’d be time enough for that…but I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to be that old a father. I felt that we needed to either forget about having them altogether or – well – get on with it. She didn’t agree. In the end, with all the arguments, we agreed to take a break... Then, last November, she said she’d missed me; she wanted us to give it another go. Maybe – I don’t know – maybe I convinced myself that the baby was her way of saying that she was committed to us.”“And so…?”“It was at the twelve-week scan. It was clear enough to me, let alone the radiographer, that she’d got her dates way out; that she was at least sixteen weeks’ gone… She didn’t try to deny it. I suppose she realised there was no point.” He gave a humourless laugh, putting down his empty glass and rubbing his face. “I’m surprised she even tried to dupe me, with my background.”Her hand stroked Harry’s arm, almost tentatively. “I’m so sorry…”“Yes, well…” He stood up abruptly, walking over the window to stare out at Nikki’s darkened garden. “I guess it’s the same old story… What do you think that is?” He suddenly swung towards them both. “Why are we all so shit at maintaining a relationship? Having a normal family? Only Leo seemed to get it right…and then he lost them. Maybe that’s it…maybe it’s because we know what can go wrong. We’ve seen so many families that have imploded – domestic violence, suicides, murder, just plain old motorway pileups… All those crying parents…” He shook his head. “Is that what it is? Can you explain it to me? Because, right now, I just don’t have the answers.”He strode towards the table, poured himself another glass and drained it.“Right now,” Nikki said, quietly. “Right now, Harry, I don’t have any answers myself. But…to be honest, I don’t think we should be talking about it now. You’ve had a bit too much to drink, for a start…”It hadn’t escaped Jack’s notice that in the time he and Nikki had taken just a few sips from their glasses, Harry had downed three, finishing off the bottle.“Yeah. You’re right about that.” Harry fingered the stubble on his chin and gave a humourless laugh. “I’m probably still a bit jet-lagged too. Not the best combination. I – uh, I’d better get a taxi…”“Where’re you staying?” Jack asked, standing up. “I can probably give you a lift if it’s on my way.”“Really?” He blinked at Jack, seeming startled. “If you don’t mind…they’ve got me in a guest room at the University at the moment.”“No problem.” It wasn’t entirely on his way, but he wasn’t sure how much heavy drinking had become an issue for Harry and slightly feared he’d end up directing a taxi to a bar instead. “Well, thanks…” Harry paused, looking at Nikki. Again, there was that sense of silent communion between them. “Do you get why I’m here now? Even though it’s probably the most stupid thing I’ve ever done – knowing I could be stuck here for months?”“I think so.” She took a tentative step towards him. “You’ve…come home. Except…it’s not home anymore – is it? Not since Leo…” She choked on the name.“God, Leo…”“If you’d been here…maybe – just maybe - he wouldn’t have gone there. You always had more influence over him than I ever did.”He shook his head, wiping the tears from his face. “I don’t know how you can say that. He’d have done anything for you. No, he’d still have gone, if he’d believed in it…. Oh, Nikki, I’m so sorry I wasn’t here. Sorry for all of it…”As she surged forward and pulled Harry into her arms, Jack turned away. He collected the glasses and empty bottle and quietly made his way into the kitchen.She joined him there a few minutes later. “I won’t ask if you mind giving him a lift. I expect you do mind…but you’ll do it anyway,” she said, quietly. “Because that’s you, Jack.”He finished rinsing the glasses and wiped his hands. “Not sure he’ll make it otherwise.”She paused. “He’s a mess. I’m worried about him.”“I think you’re right to be.”“Did I ever tell you? His father committed suicide. I think he’s always been very careful of his mental health because of that. He was always the cold, logical one out of the three of us. Whenever Leo or I would go off on some – some cause…he’d be the one to pull us back. So yes – seeing him like that…I am worried. He’s come back, hasn’t he? He’s trying to – to find something that he lost years ago.”He rehung the tea towel and turned to her. “I’d better get him back. You need to sleep.” He touched her arm, gently. “Please tell me you won’t come in early tomorrow. I’ll write that report about this morning – you can just sign it off later.”She looked up at him for a moment and then stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. She’d often done so before – it was a familiar ‘Nikki’ gesture of greeting or farewell, both for him and others. But…this time, there was something more to it. She lingered, her lips very close to the corner of his mouth, her hand coming up to stroke his other cheek – a feather-light, barely-there caress. If he’d turned his head just a fraction, their lips would meet…A sound from the lounge recalled Harry’s presence. She stepped back, her dark eyes meeting his as she continued to stroke his cheek. He saw the pain reflected there. “What am I going to do, Jack?”It was more a lamentation than a question, and he couldn’t have answered it, even if he had been capable of speech at that moment.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Monday 23rd March 2020.They had wrapped up the paperwork on a minor case earlier in the day. There was no real need to still be at work…and yet, here they were. Not just Nikki and Jack, but the laboratory assistants, their administrator, some of the security staff… They clustered together around the TV screen in Thomas’ old office, now meeting room, as if they didn’t want to receive the inevitable news on their own. As if there were safety in numbers.Jack perched on the edge of the meeting table; arms folded. Nikki hovered by the door; as he glanced towards her, he saw Harry’s dark head just behind her. The pathologist had very quickly gained free access to the Lyell, even though he wasn’t working there.“From this evening, I must give the British people a very simple instruction – you must stay at home…”There was a general sigh from the small group, as the Prime Minister went on outlining the restrictions. He wasn’t saying anything that they hadn’t predicted – it was almost a relief to have it acknowledged at last.In one sense, the restrictions wouldn’t apply to them – pathology laboratories must, of necessity, continue to run - but of course there would be complications ahead. Parents would have children at home to consider; there’d be the difficulty of food shopping with restricted access and, potentially, shortages. There’d be the need to keep the vulnerable safe – some staff had family members with immunocompromised systems. Jack could almost feel the eyes on him – sympathetic, curious. Everyone there knew what he’d been through only a year ago and what it might mean for his chances if he caught the virus.He picked up the remote and turned off the TV as the announcement came to an end. The team stirred and began to murmur to one another. Some left immediately, already reaching for their mobiles to contact loved ones; others hovered to have a word with Nikki. Jack saw her push her hair back as she attempted to reassure them – an agitated motion that had become a habit in recent weeks. She’d been to the emergency meetings, had made the necessary preparations for the laboratory. There were stacked boxes in the offices and locker rooms containing the cumbersome PPE that they now needed to don for every autopsy – COVID-related or not. There were checklists and warning notices on every wall, and plastic sheeting covered the entrances to the autopsy areas. The latter reminded him of being in that hospital isolation bed last year, shielded from everyone he loved, and he felt a surge of empathy for those currently hospitalized with this virus.Jack turned away and stared through the window at the dark sky beyond. He felt a movement as Harry slipped around the table and perched next to him.“Oh, well…” was all the pathologist said, rather pointlessly. Jack’s mouth twitched. “Get many logging in today?”“Quite a few, surprisingly.” Harry rubbed his jaw and grimaced. “Probably for the novelty of getting to see the Professor’s bedroom wall in the background.”“You still in the guest room?”“For now. It’s kind-of tricky finding somewhere else to go, to be honest. I mean, you’d think there’d be an opportunity – foreign travel halted, short-term apartments going empty…” He stood up, restlessly. “Thing is, I need to move somewhere bigger. I’ll go crazy trying to run lectures from that pokey little room…”“You can’t use a teaching room? If no one’s there…”Harry shrugged. “I probably will, eventually. No one seems to know what the rules are. For now, no students or lecturers are allowed on campus.”Nikki had finished talking to the last of the staff and walked back into the office. Arms folded, she walked over to the window and looked down into the street. “It’s already getting quiet out there.” She turned to Jack, giving him a very direct look. “Did you catch Professor Lewin earlier?”Jack nodded, a little reluctantly. She read the answer in his eyes. “Well, you must do as he says. You mustn’t catch this – not under any circumstances. I suppose Lewin would want to monitor you at their own facility if you did…but, anyway, let’s at least try to avoid it.”He held her gaze. “You need me here.”Her eyes were equally uncompromising. “I need you alive.”“But you have no one else here for the forensics -.”“We’ll get a temp.” She stepped towards him, her hand out as if in consolation. “Come on, Jack. You know what you have to do.”He did know. He swallowed, looking down at his hands. He’d already been wearing a facemask in public for weeks, stoically enduring the expressions of astonishment, amusement and even contempt from the public and SOCOs alike. At home, he’d strip just inside the door and bundle his clothes into bin liners, dip his boots in disinfectant. Everything he wore was laundered twice in the washing machine. He’d always been a neat and orderly person at home, but he now donned gloves and wiped furniture and objects on a daily basis. He felt like someone with OCD. Her hand hovered for an instant before squeezing his arm. He noticed the hesitation and hated it. Only five minutes into a national lockdown, and they were already weighing the odds – do I already have it? Could I pass it on? Do I dare touch you?“We don’t know how long this’ll last. It might only be for a few weeks,” she added, obviously trying to be comforting. Harry snorted. “Don’t be naïve.” Her head shot in his direction. “Well, we don’t. You don’t know any more than any of us – don’t pretend you do.”“I’m no epidemiologist, but I know enough history to realize that this is almost certainly just the first wave – and I would hope you do too.” Harry sighed, rubbing his forehead. “I’m still licensed, by the way. You might need help here. I promise not to try to take over.” There was a sting in his last comment, but it seemed to pass her by.“Thanks…” She moved away from Jack, frowning in concentration. “Oh – Jack, did you hear from Clarissa and Max?”He nodded. “They’ve made it back. At home, safe and sound.” And, judging by her voice when they spoke earlier, she was more resigned to being stuck at home than he ever would be. In many ways, Clarissa had far more patience than Jack.She heaved a sigh of relief. “That’s something, anyway.”The trio were silent for a few minutes. Jack felt reluctant to move. He knew that when he left the Lyell today, it might be weeks or even months before he walked back in. He looked over his shoulder towards his desk; thought of the years he’d spent sitting there. Memories assailed him - of sharing quips with Clarissa at the opposite desk, of seeing Thomas and Nikki laughing together, of meeting Leo for the first time and stammering like a fanboy…He sensed that Nikki felt equally reluctant. She had sunk into one of the meeting chairs and was leaning back, her hands on her stomach as she stared at the ceiling. “Feels like the calm before the storm, doesn’t it?”He couldn’t say that he felt much pity for her at that moment. “At least you’ll be able to keep busy. I’ll be stuck at home with – what was it? – one hour a day for exercise.”“Look on the bright side,” Harry pointed out cheerfully. “You get to spend hours watching crappy TV and learning how to bake.”He glared at the pathologist. “Very funny.”“Well, at least you’re not going to be stuck in a tiny guest room, logging into your laptop to deliver online lectures to bored students…” Harry had flung himself into the seat next to Nikki’s and now swiveled towards her, pulling an expression that Jack could only describe as ‘puppy dog’. “I need more space, Nikki…”She rolled her eyes at him in exasperation, but there was just a hint of a smile on her lips. “Oh, for crying out loud! Alright, you can move in. But I do not want my house turned upside down, OK?”“Scout’s honour.” Harry put a hand over his chest. “I promise to be the perfect guest. I won’t even moan about your cooking. In fact, I’ll take over the cooking, if you like…”She slapped his arm. “I’m not that bad! And I’m not appearing in the background of one of your lectures either. You can work in the study. Do not take the students on a tour of my house.”“Actually, that could cause some excitement.” Harry grinned and raised an eyebrow. “You know you’ve made quite the impression on at least one of them… I’m not sure how he’ll react when he realizes I’m staying with you.”She laughed, rubbing her face. It was a kind of carefree, slightly hysterical giggle that Jack hadn’t heard often – not in recent years, anyway. She suddenly looked years younger. “Oh, God, Ollie. You’re right. He’s a bit…keen.”“The last thing he needs is to get a glimpse of your knickers hanging up, so I hope you’re less of a slob these days.”“Me - a slob? Coming from you…?”Jack slipped quietly from the office, unnoticed by either, as Harry and Nikki continued bickering. The next few months were the most surreal of Jack’s life. At first, there were things to organize. He didn’t want his father to go out more than necessary – in truth, he was more afraid of Connor getting Covid than himself. First, he stocked up on the essentials, carrying shopping bags full of tins, pasta, and tea bags up to his father’s floor and leaving them outside the door. Next, he managed to secure a valuable booking slot for weekly supermarket deliveries of fresh food. For himself, he made do with a large monthly shop supplemented by occasional forays to the nearest corner shop. He was a reasonably good cook, from the necessity of looking after himself for nearly twenty years. He’d always eaten healthily, apart from the occasional pizza, and he didn’t find it difficult to cope with the shortages of certain foods.He was concerned that his father might not be eating well. Connor tended to eat properly only when he had guests, otherwise it was “too much bother”. Jack arranged, at some expense, for his father to receive a home-delivered hot meal once a day; beyond that, there was little he could do. He couldn’t visit, of course, Connor being in the high-risk category. He rang each day, but his father often had little to say over the phone. Connor’s main fear, frequently reiterated, was for Ryan’s safety if the disease spread through the prison system – to that, Jack had no useful response.The person he rang or texted most frequently was, inevitably, Nikki. She rang most evenings, just to check in, and sent random quick texts throughout the day. The Lyell was predictably busy; it received its fair share of COVID fatalities and Nikki’s autopsies grew depressingly repetitive. In the meantime, crime rates seemed to drop, presumably because of the lockdown, although there was a rise in domestic violence. Nikki had brought in Thomas’ old friend Helen Ferguson to replace Jack, and he found that he didn’t mind that too much. Harry had scheduled his teaching commitments around shifts in the Lyell -Nikki was clearly grateful for his assistance. Knowing that she was overworked didn’t do much to reconcile Jack to his enforced isolation. His days dragged by. Not being able to visit the gym was a severe blow - Jack was used to popping in most days, either before or after work, and his home equipment didn’t make up for the loss. He made the most of his allotted exercise time, running in the early morning, but after that, he fretted to be outside, especially as the warm spring days morphed into early summer. He was still in his flat with no prospect of a moving date – the sale had been stalled for the moment by problems higher up in the chain – so he didn’t even have a garden to sit in. But the very worst of it was the lack of human connection. He could appreciate the difficulties that people might be enduring with home-schooled children or over-crowded houses with too many people needing access to laptops and so on…but at least they were together. Jack would never have considered himself a massively tactile person – or at least not until he met Nikki – but he had severely underestimated the psychological impact of having no human contact at all. On walks and at the shops, people shied away from one another, their eyes meeting briefly, nervously, over their masks. Any one person – friend or stranger – could be the one that transmitted a disease that might be mild and asymptomatic…but might also land you in intensive care on a ventilator. It was that not knowing that kept people apart, that stopped Jack from visiting his father or Clarissa. But, God, how he missed touch… Not just Nikki’s, although chiefly hers. Even just a momentary warm brush of arms, a hand on his shoulder, the softness of her hair swishing against his cheek as they studied some evidence together. He couldn’t be there to hug her if things got too much…and it killed him. And he couldn’t even run off his worries, or not sufficiently within the boundaries set by the government.It occurred to him after a couple of weeks that the ‘one hour’ limit could hardly be policed all that effectively, so he started breaking up the afternoon or evening with a second run or a walk in the local park.After a while, Nikki began to join him on his walks; in fact, he would vary the time as necessary to suit her schedule. They would stroll the familiar paths in the early summer evenings, side by side, the required distance between them carefully maintained. In some ways, not being able to touch her didn’t help matters, but still, seeing her in the flesh and being able to talk was better than nothing. They often walked in complete silence, easy in one another’s company. Nikki evidently wanted to avoid discussing work too often, for Jack’s sake. In any case, theirs had always been a relatively quiet relationship – in that sense, it was very different to her relationship with Harry. In the few weeks that he’d seen them in company before the lockdown, Jack had received the distinct impression that the two did nothing but talk. To sit with Nikki and Harry was to hear an almost constant barrage of good-humoured jibes passing between them, punctured by the occasional more serious disagreement that was always abandoned after a few minutes with a laugh and a friendly shove. It was as if the eight years had never happened; after the tension of that first encounter, the pair seemed to have slipped back into their old friendship… Friendship with just a hint of something more.Nikki had changed during those weeks too, and not just due to the stress of the pandemic preparations. No doubt she was tired and worried, as they all were, but she seemed to be coping surprisingly well. There was a freshness to her movement – she seemed younger, livelier, freer than she had for years. Jack had already learnt that Harry energized her in some way. He’d noticed that in the few weeks before the lockdown started - whenever the pathologist had made his way over to the Lyell (which was far too frequently), Jack had seen the flush in her cheeks, the sparkling eyes, the mouth twitching between amusement and irritation. It wasn’t a particularly calming relationship, he could see that much, and he couldn’t help speculating on her home life now that Harry had taken over one of her spare rooms. Nikki liked peace and order when she was off duty. Somehow, he doubted that Harry gave her either. When Jack and Nikki did talk, the conversation inevitably turned to Harry sooner or later. “He’s honestly a nightmare,” she complained, but in an indulgent tone that suggested she didn’t really mind. “Leaves his books and notes strewn all over the place, even though he’s got free use of my office, and both of the spare bedrooms.”“Both?” “He sleeps in one and uses the other as his classroom. Says the light isn’t right in the study, or something. But he uses that for his lecture preparation.”“Sounds as if he’s taken over your house.”She shrugged, a secret smile on her lips that made him want to grit his teeth. “Oh, I don’t mind really. It’s not as if I’m there much these days – honestly, some days, I might as well be sleeping at the Lyell… He says the house isn’t big enough! If you ask me, he’s got just a little too American in his tastes. His own place is massive – I’ve seen the photos. Matt’s embassy house has nothing on it.”“How is Matt?” he asked, trying to change the subject. “Oh, he’s OK.” She spoke of her boyfriend with the same casual, uninterested tone that he’d noticed around Christmas. “Pretty busy, of course. Seems to think that it might be useful if Trump screws up the response to the pandemic. All politics, of course. Never mind the impact on the public.”On any other occasion, he might have rejoiced at the surprising level of bitterness in her tone. However, whatever else Matt might be, his existence was at least a useful barrier to Nikki getting too close to her house guest. He didn’t think Nikki would actually cheat on an established partner. Over the past few years, he’d occasionally fantasized that the couple would split up and that Nikki would turn to him for comfort. Right now, he feared that very thing happening.“But, anyway, Harry’s become a major foodie since he moved over there. I mean, he always was pretty good, much better than me, but now…” She smiled. “Honestly, even if the restaurants were open, I don’t think I’d bother. Only trouble is, it’s not good for the waistline. He does this amazing thing with lamb – a sort-of Spanish casserole… It’s a shame you can’t come over and try it.”“Isn’t it.” He knew he sounded surly, but he couldn’t help it. Naturally Professor Cunningham was the perfect cook. It wouldn’t be enough for him to be attractive, highly intelligent, and charismatic, would it?She was silent for a moment, and he knew she’d picked up on his mood. “Come on, Jack, don’t be like that.”“Like what?”“You know perfectly well. None of this is Harry’s fault. I couldn’t turn my back on an old friend.”“I never said it was his fault.”“What then? Why don’t you like him? He likes you. Says you’re a good influence on me.”He snorted his disbelief. “He didn’t. No way would he think that.”“Honestly, he did. He knows how… how hard it’s been.” Her voice was quiet, her head turned slightly away from him. “Especially Leo. He said he was glad you’d been there to help me through it.”“Yeah…good old reliable Jack,” he muttered, just loud enough for her to hear. She quickened her pace, as if she wanted to end the walk sooner. “It’s just impossible to talk when you’re in this mood.”“Well, I’m very sorry if I’m not in the best of moods! It may have escaped your notice, but I’m stuck at home with nothing to do, I’m bored stupid, I’m worried about my father and my brother, to say nothing of Clarissa, and I can’t even -.”He stopped, but she picked him up on it. “Can’t what? Fight? Because that’s what you do whenever you can’t cope with something – isn’t it? You’ve just got to hit someone, haven’t you?” Her voice was disdainful.“That wasn’t what I was going to say!” He felt unaccustomed tears sting his eyes and spun on his heel abruptly, striding back the way they had come. A woman who had been walking behind them wheeled off the path to keep a two-metre distance, giving him a dirty look as she did so.He half-expected Nikki to storm off, but she ran after him.“Jack, please – I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed…it’s just that you do tend to use fighting as an emotional outlet, and I thought…”He bunched his hands in his pockets and stopped, looking down at his feet as he waited for the threatened tears to subside. “If you really want to know, I was just about to say that I can’t even give you a hug. And I know that probably sounds ridiculous, but I haven’t touched anyone for weeks, not even Dad. And you and me – whenever things are tough, we’ve always had that physical connection. It matters. When you live alone, it really does.”She sighed. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her hand move towards him and hover for a moment before withdrawing. “Oh, Jack… I miss you – we all do. Helen is lovely, but she’s not you. And, yes, I miss your hugs too. And your shoulder rubs at the end of a busy shift.”“But at least you’ve got human interaction at work – and you’ve got Harry at home. Although, the reality is that he shouldn’t be here at all, and you know it. Whatever might be going on in their relationship, he does have a wife. She’s heavily pregnant and alone during a pandemic – does he even care?”She was silent for a moment as they stood side by side, staring out at the artificial lake. A couple came towards them on the path and stepped carefully past them, muttering in annoyance. Nikki shifted restlessly.“I wish we could sit on a bench for a bit. Bloody regulations… Come on, let’s keep walking before we get arrested by the pandemic police for loitering.”By mutual consent, they stepped off the path and walked slowly over the grass towards the trees. There was a small glade in this part of the park that provided greater privacy.“He rings her sometimes. Not very often – or at least not when I’m around. He didn’t at first. I think she kept ringing, but he’d just decline the calls. It…” She coughed, self-consciously. “Actually, it slightly reminded me of you – after Mexico.”“It’s hardly in the same league,” he pointed out, a little riled by the comparison. “She’s his wife.”“Yeah, but…the point is, I think he’s suffering too – like you were, at the time. And, like you, he doesn’t get a nice little diagnostic label for it. I mean, how do we treat guys like Harry? He’s attractive, clever, ridiculously successful, and rich. On the surface, he seems to have everything. You should see the way those pathology students fawn over him when they come to the lab. Every girl wants to be with him, every guy wants to be him. Ironically, I was worried that Ollie had a crush on me, but you should see him now, hanging off Harry’s every word. The thing is, we automatically assume that someone like Harry can’t be vulnerable – don’t we?”“By ‘we’, you mean me – right?”She shrugged. “I mean anyone who doesn’t really know him.”“And you do?”She gave him a wry look. “I worked with him for eight years – as long as I’ve worked with you. And you know Harry and I have a…history, of sorts. Even without our personal relationship, when you work with someone that closely, you see them in all moods. You’ve probably only seen the ‘positive’ side of Harry – the cheerfulness, the jokes, the irreverence, the – the fun. You haven’t seen him spiraling into depression over a difficult case – I have, and on far too many occasions. I’ve seen the risk. All you see is a man who had it all and – maybe – threw it all away. You see a flirt, someone who flits from woman to woman, who leaves broken hearts in his wake. I expect you sympathize with Jennifer – you probably think that it’s Harry’s fault that she slept with someone else and then lied to him about the baby; that maybe Harry slept around or was impossible to live with and drove her away.”He was stung. “I don’t…” But he couldn’t deny that he had, perhaps, made certain assumptions.“I don’t know what went wrong for them…but I do know that he’s in a difficult place emotionally.” Her voice was calm and quiet. “And if, right now, it helps him to cook lamb casseroles and mess up my kitchen in the process, and leave his books all over the place, and tease me about wanting to be the boss at the Lyell, and just generally goof around like we used to before life got complicated – well. That’s fine with me. I don’t ask for it to be fine with you…but I do want you to understand.”He eyed her, anxiously. He knew Nikki when she was on a mission. She tended to get a little too personally involved, particularly where children and vulnerable women were concerned, but also there was that DI who’d wanted his mother’s murder conviction overturned only to discover that he had been his own father’s murderer. He loved that she cared passionately for those who were suffering - it was so essentially Nikki to see beyond the public persona to the person within - but that didn’t stop him worrying. Nikki-on-a-mission was usually bursting with nervous energy, but strangely, her face was serene, almost placid, in the early evening sunshine.Jack swallowed. “I do understand – at least, I think I do. I’m sorry for him, but I just don’t want you to – to get -.” He was struggling to find the right words.She stopped, so abruptly that he nearly bumped into her, and turned to stare up at him. “To get too deeply involved? It worries you – that I might…get a bit too close to him?” Her dark eyes were a bit too knowing, far too penetrating… He withdrew his own gaze, turned away from her. They were standing by a large oak tree. He closed his eyes for a moment and pressed his palm into the bark, reveling in the sensory input. His heart was beating too fast; he felt suddenly dizzy, disorientated…“I’m not there. If it all gets too much – I don’t mean just Harry, but the work too - I can’t be there. For you.” His hand clenched into a fist and he felt the welcome sting of the rough bark against his fight-scarred knuckles.There was a gentle susurration of breath right behind him, and then, quite suddenly, she was holding him tightly against her. Her arms came around him, as the length of her body pressed against his back, her face buried in the space between his shoulder blades.After an initial startle, he tried to twist to face her, needing to return the embrace. “No.” She stopped him from turning, firmly using her weight and the muscular strength that had always surprised him to press him into the tree trunk. He wasn’t used to being held in this way; it wasn’t natural to him. He was the one who always held her. For a moment, he wanted to exert his superior strength, but then he suddenly realized what she was trying to do. One warm hand covered his fist on the tree, while the other encircled his waist, stroking his stomach comfortingly. Her chest was flat against him; he could feel her breasts, the full curves of her body, but for once, the sensation didn’t excite him. Instead, he found himself focusing on her slow warm breaths on his back, gently in and out. He closed his eyes again, his spare hand moving to cover hers on his stomach, as he schooled himself to match her breathing. He could feel his heartbeat slowing in response, the tension gradually seeping from his muscles. His forehead dropped against the tree trunk. He was overwhelmed by the sweet scent of the wood, the gentle rustle of summer breeze through the leaves, the firmness of the soil beneath his feet, the warm hand stroking his stomach. He felt…protected, surrounded. Safe. Loved. She moved her head very slightly. “You are there, Jack. You’re always there. Doesn’t matter whether you’re at home or work.” Her hand slid upwards to cover his heart. “For me…you’re always right here…” Her other hand, still covering his clenched fist, tangled with his fingers to straighten them out. Her thumb slid over his pulse point, checking his heart rate, and then she wrapped her fingers around his hand, squeezing it tight.He let out a long, shuddering breath. “Thank you.”Her arms loosened their tight hold. Before stepping away, she stood on tiptoe and placed a small kiss on the nape of his neck. “You’re always welcome.”When he turned to face her, she was the regulatory two metres away once more. Her face was slightly averted, her cheeks a little pink. They walked on in silence, as if nothing had happened, but this time, he felt certain that the secret little smile on her lips had nothing whatsoever to do with Harry Cunningham.One Saturday morning in late June, Jack decided to vary his usual running route. He cut down by the canal, breathing easily, steadily as he pounded the towpath. He felt fresh, energized, and in excellent health. Since the walk with Nikki, he’d decided that self-pity was a serious waste of his time and that he needed to make the best of a bad situation. With that in mind, he began to revisit his postgraduate forensic science degree, going through old lecture notes and updating his knowledge on the newer techniques. He started to meet Clarissa and Max regularly via Zoom, and they took him through the new technology that Max’s company was developing; he compiled reports for future reference and shared a few useful insights with Helen and Nikki. He bought some additional gym equipment and reorganized his flat to accommodate it. He created a new fitness programme that, in addition to his usual cardiovascular and toning routines, incorporated some mindfulness techniques. He couldn’t forget the way he had felt when Nikki had pressed him bodily into that tree. Yes, it had partly been Nikki holding him, making him feel loved, but there had also been something almost spiritual in his response to the natural world. Now, when he walked in the summer evenings, he slowed right down and really looked at the passing trees, the grass, the flowers. For the first time, he was seeing more than just a series of forensic clues. All of which meant that Jack was feeling at peace with himself and the world in general as he jogged along the canal. Halfway along, he saw a figure in the distance, crouched by the side of the water. His feet faltered a little, as he wondered if this was a potential suicide scenario. As he got nearer, he recognized the figure and speeded up. It was Harry, dressed casually in jeans and a leather jacket. He was sitting on his haunches, gazing down at the limpid water, and the empty expression on his face gave Jack a jolt. He glanced up at Jack, showing no particular surprise. “How’re you doing?”“OK, thanks.” Jack stretched his muscles then crouched down on the path next to Harry. “You?”For answer, Harry waved his mobile in Jack’s direction. He took it and looked at the photograph on the screen.“A boy. Born last night. Mother and baby doing well.”Jack handed the phone back, unsure what to say. Congratulations would have seemed too cruel.Harry stared at the picture. “He’s beautiful, isn’t he?”Jack smiled. “I think most babies tend to be. Survival instinct, isn’t it?”“Yes, but…” Harry sat down, crossing his legs, still peering intently at his phone. “He looks a lot like Jen. Not much of his father in him.”“Do you…” Jack hesitated. “Um – do you know the father?”Harry nodded, his expression bleak. “Her PhD student.”“Ah. Bit awkward, that.”“She had to resign, of course. And it’s part of the reason why I…well, why I’m here.” He swallowed, painfully. “I know I have a certain reputation, but…whatever I may have done in the past, I have never stepped over that line. Not with a student. There’s a duty of care, it doesn’t matter how old they are. And he – we were friends, at least I thought we were. He stayed with us when he first arrived before he found accommodation.” He shook his head, putting his phone in his pocket. “I think I’d have minded less if she’d hooked up with a complete stranger.”They sat in silence for a while. Jack didn’t want to leave Harry alone – he sensed that he might be slipping into one of the dark moods that Nikki had alluded to.“What will you do now?” he asked, eventually. Harry stirred; he’d been staring morosely at the water for a while. “Do? I…just don’t know. That’s the truth.”“Is she OK? Being supported, I mean?”“She’s staying with her parents. The father doesn’t want to know. I think he’s probably still in shock. He’s only twenty-three; he didn’t sign up for this when he went to university.” “Old enough to be responsible, though.”“I don’t think she wants him to be involved. She doesn’t love him. I suppose that’s something.” Harry rubbed his stubbled cheek; he looked pale and weary.Jack risked putting a hand on his shoulder. “You want to go get a coffee?”The pathologist gave him a wry smile. “Giving up on the self-isolation?”He smiled back as he rose to his feet. “To some degree. Come on.” He lent his hand to pull Harry up. “Do you know of anywhere that’s open?”“We could go back to Nikki’s and sit in the garden. It’s a nice morning – and it’s probably no riskier than getting a takeaway cup.” Harry paused. “I think she’d like to see you – she was muttering something this morning about ringing you.”“Sure.”They walked in silence for a while.“You know what I was thinking back there, by the canal?” Harry said, eventually. “I was thinking that, but for one minor incident, I’d be there right now. If I hadn’t gone to that scan, if I hadn’t figured it out. I’d be holding my new son. You know how many men out there have unknowingly brought up another man’s child – how many of them probably never find out? It’s only biology, after all.”“I think -,” Jack ventured, cautiously. “I think it’s possible to be a real father without the genetic link. Look at Leo and Nikki.”“If I hadn’t known…” Harry’s voice was quiet. “I’d be exhausted and overjoyed. I’d be making crazy plans, like all new fathers do. I’d be… I’d be a father. At last.” His voice choked on the last words. Silently, Jack put out his hand and squeezed Harry’s arm.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Jack stretched his limbs out in sheer pleasure as he leaned his head back and gazed up at the sky. It was never all that easy to see the stars in central London, but the warm August night was still and clear enough to make out the main constellations. A gentle breeze ruffled his hair. He turned his head slightly to smile at Nikki before taking a sip of cool white wine. “Think I’ve changed my mind about being on furlough. It’s not so bad after all.”She laughed as she refilled her own glass and sat next to him on her reclining garden sofa. “Better not get used to it now… Unless you’ve changed your mind about coming back?”“No way.”“Last of the late nights, then.”He nodded, glancing over with a smile as her head dropped back against the cushions. It had been a long week.There was a step on the terrace as Harry emerged through the French doors.“Finished for the week, thank God,” he said, stretching his spine out before collapsing into a chair.“Want one of these?” Nikki waved her glass at him.Harry hesitated for a moment before shaking his head. “I’ll get myself a coffee in a minute.”Jack had noticed that Harry was less inclined to drink alcohol these days, possibly due to his hefty schedule. He had agreed to continue as a guest lecturer at the University for the next academic year, since they had still not succeeded in replacing Thomas. With the USA still closed to international visitors, it didn’t look as if he’d be able to get back anyway. Lectures wouldn’t be resuming until October, but he’d been working on the curriculum for the next year, while still helping Nikki out occasionally – even taking on some crime scene work. In addition to that, he was still employed by his university in New York and had recently resumed his online lectures there. Due to the time difference, they tended to run late. Jack had seen a lot of Nikki and Harry during the long hot summer of 2020. It had become a habit to pop in for lunch or dinner in Nikki’s rambling, pretty garden. Harry would join them after his lectures and the trio would sit late into the night, Jack silently enjoying the peace and warmth while Harry and Nikki swapped anecdotes and laughed over memories of old cases. Ironically, it was an affinity that they might not have enjoyed if it hadn’t been for the lockdown. They’d have been out at various activities – Nikki at her yoga class, Jack in the gym, maybe meeting at a pub for a quick drink – but with venues still closed, Nikki’s garden was all they had. He wasn’t as bothered by Harry and Nikki’s strong affinity these days – in fact, Jack had come to the conclusion that he wouldn’t mind if Harry did decide to come back to the Lyell full time. He’d grown to like the pathologist, to appreciate his humour and ready intelligence, and he felt he’d enjoy working alongside him. There was no likelihood of that, however. It would have been a step down in Harry’s illustrious career, and the Lyell couldn’t afford him anyway. Also, Nikki had told Jack that much as she appreciated Harry’s company, she wouldn’t want to work with him anymore – they were set in their ways, and it would probably end in far too much professional conflict. They were far better now as just friends.Jack found he was actually glad that Nikki had Harry back in her life…once it had become clear that they really were just good friends. Nikki had cut a lonely figure in recent years. She had some friends, of course, but the nature of her job plus her frequent trips to Washington had meant that she’d had little time for them, and as many were now married with kids, she didn’t have much in common anymore. Her closest friends had probably been her colleagues – people who could understand and appreciate why the work took up so much of her time.Jack had sensed that she was drifting a little. The pandemic had had that effect on all of them, one way or another. Even for those who had continued to work in vital jobs, it had presented an opportunity to take stock, to wonder what life was really about. Much as she loved her work and was as committed as ever to the principles of finding the truth and getting justice, he got the impression that Nikki was fundamentally unsatisfied with her life in general and that she was trying to find something meaningful to do in her spare time. For Jack, the sleepy days of August felt like a wonderful pause in his life. The house sale had finally gone through, he had a moving date arranged and the next few weeks would be busy with moving, getting his father moved in and – best of all – returning to the Lyell.He was more than ready to return. He’d already been back at the Lyell a few times to help Helen with some of the more tedious desk-based tasks, mainly in the evenings and at the weekends when there were fewer staff around. However, Helen had recently announced that she’d been asked to return to her former post. Although Nikki was dubious, Jack had managed to get his medical team on his side – he was in excellent health, they saw no reason why he shouldn’t return to work, and in fact he was probably less likely to catch Covid there than at a supermarket or pub.Nikki yawned and leaned into Jack, dropping her head on his shoulder. It was a Friday night; they’d had Helen over for dinner as a final thank-you for all her work. She’d left a while ago, but it hadn’t even occurred to Jack to depart at the same time. Sitting here in the warm night, he almost felt as if it was he who lived with Nikki and not Harry, who was currently bustling around the kitchen, brewing a fresh pot of coffee. He could allow himself to dream, anyway.When Harry returned with the pot of coffee and three mugs, Nikki roused herself. “Did you get a chance to look at that CV?”“Mmm.” Harry poured the coffee out before sitting down. He raised his eyebrows as he looked over at them. “Almost too good to be true, isn’t he?”“Almost,” Jack muttered as he drained his glass.“You can see why I offered him the job though?” Nikki sat up straighter and reached over for her coffee. “I mean, I did plan to wait for you to come back for the interviews, but…”Jack nodded. “Oh yes, I get it. You didn’t want to miss the opportunity. Because I assume he could’ve easily got something else…”Adam Yuen’s CV was, indeed, extraordinary. Frankly, the young man could have walked into any job he wanted, which begged the question: why was he prepared to take a relatively low-paid post? It was the question that hung in the air between them. The university’s guest lecturer fees that Harry had generously reallocated had finally come through, but one term’s fees did not make a particularly attractive annual salary.Nikki grinned. “He said it was an honour to work for Dr. Alexander and that he couldn’t think of anyone he’d rather learn from.”Jack snorted. “He did not. You’re making it up.”“No, he really did.” She dug her elbow into Jack’s ribs. “I could almost hear you sniggering from halfway across the city. It was all I could do to keep a straight face. Bless him – I can’t even remember being that young and sweet.”Harry’s eyes glinted with amusement as he tried to look stern. “I mean, you’ve always been a bit of a tart, but when did you turn into such a magnet for innocent young men?”“Ha! You can bloody talk! I’ve seen those students giving you the eye.” The taunt was dangerously close to the problems in Harry’s personal life, but he didn’t seem to mind. “Ollie’s always talking about you. You definitely made an impression.”She sighed, but there was a little smile on her lips. “He makes me feel about a hundred years old.”“I’m not sure that’s all he makes you feel.” Harry arched his eyebrow. “Come on, Niks. You obviously think he’s cute.”She kicked him. “Oh, shut up, you! There’s nothing wrong with feeling appreciated – for once.”There was a bitter note to her tone, and Harry’s eyebrow shot even further north. “Oh, yes? Trouble in paradise? How is Matt these days?”Nikki shifted uncomfortably, and Jack sensed she didn’t really want to discuss Matt. “Well, on that note -,” he grabbed his mug and knocked back the black coffee. “- I’m outta here. Thanks for dinner.”“Sure.” She got up. “Hang on a minute, I’ve got some left-overs you can take with you – too much for us to finish...”The men stood together, watching as she disappeared into the house. “What is going on with Matt?” Jack asked quietly.Harry merely shrugged, before stooping to gather up the coffee things. “Not sure, but I’ll tell you something. That guy has really turned into an arsehole recently. Shame really – he seemed nice enough when I met him last Christmas.”Jack wondered what Harry meant, but Nikki was already returning, so it was too late to ask.Adam Yuen was…interesting. Fundamentally, there was absolutely nothing wrong with him - and maybe that was the issue. There was something that roused Jack’s suspicion for no good reason – what Thomas would have described as his ‘spidey sense’. He wondered whether Thomas would have appointed him. Probably he would…but he might not have been so certain as Nikki. It was unfortunate that Nikki hadn’t had a chance to develop her management skills under Thomas’ direction before his death; it wouldn’t have hurt for her to develop some of his cynicism.The young pathologist certainly seemed to hold Nikki in great regard. Jack smiled to himself, remembering his own over-enthusiastic response when he’d first met Leo Dalton. But he had to admit that Adam was far smoother than he had ever been. Although the young pathologist occasionally put his foot in it with some of the detectives, he had a boyish charm and innocence that carried him through. It came as a surprise to learn that he was married with one young child and another on the way – for some reason, Jack had assumed Adam was too busy being a wonder boy to have a social life, but apparently the young man was a success here too. It was difficult not to feel like a failure next to Adam Yuen. Jack had recently turned forty-two, and what did he have to show for it? A job he enjoyed, sure, and he was about to become a house owner at last, but no kids and no likelihood of having any. It was the same for Nikki, of course, also in her forties and hardly likely to get pregnant now, particularly with her long-term boyfriend in the States. If she minded, she kept her feelings hidden.It had never, for a single moment, occurred to Jack that there might be any consequences to his past, rather scrappy, love life. He’d been the younger, less interesting brother of Ryan Hodgson, the local wild boy with the smooth Irish accent that all the girls went for in their small Yorkshire village. It had been a surprise when he’d finally appeared to settle down in his mid-twenties with Aoife, a fellow Northern Irish-born Yorkshire emigree, but their relationship was anything but smooth. It was during one of their frequent break-ups that Jack had stepped in, initially to give Aoife a lift to work, but eventually to become her confidante and regular drinking buddy. She was a kind, gentle woman, not entirely at home in northern England and missing her family back in Belfast. She was far too good for someone like Ryan. It was possible that Ryan felt that himself, which may have been why he kept going back to her between his affairs. Jack was less sure why Aoife kept forgiving him.He did feel some guilt about sleeping with his brother’s on-off girlfriend. It was true enough that Ryan had treated her like dirt, and at the time she had evidently assumed their relationship was finally over, but Jack realised in retrospect that Aoife had been a very confused woman at the time. They’d both had too much to drink, they’d been feeling lonely, and…it happened. Just the once – well, twice, to be entirely honest, but that was it. Fond though he was of her, Jack couldn’t say he was in love, and it was rather a relief when she confessed that she felt the same way. Not long after, she’d made the split with Ryan official and had taken herself back to her family in Belfast. She’d sent him a couple of friendly postcards to assure him that she’d settled in back home, but they’d lost contact after that. There had certainly been nothing about a baby…So, Cara was an enormous shock. She was very like her mother in both looks and mannerisms – she had the same open, earnest expression, the same innocence. The main problem that Jack had, right at the start, was that he couldn’t see Ryan in her at all. If his brother hadn’t asked him to get a paternity test, Jack might have been tempted to do so anyway – and not because he suspected Cara of being an imposter. It was even more of a shock to learn that his father had known all along about Jack and Aoife, although it did seem as if he suspected them of having had sex more frequently than had actually been the case. It seemed distinctly unlikely to Jack that Cara could really be his – not based on one drunken night, surely…and yet, she did seem to resemble him more than his brother. When Nikki made her light comment about a family resemblance, he squirmed inwardly – she knew better than most that the brothers were not physically alike at all. He wasn’t sure if it’d be much better if he was Cara’s father. True, there were times when he wouldn’t want to wish Ryan on anyone, and he knew instinctively that he could be a decent father – better than his brother anyway. But with that thought came yet more guilt – Cara had grown into a lovely young woman without a dad to support her. If Aoife had told him, he would have been there for them, no matter what. The fact that she hadn’t – had in fact even considered an abortion – suggested that she hadn’t believed she could count on Jack. Either that, or she had good reason to believe Ryan was the father after all.His thoughts kept returning to Adam - chasing his young son around the laboratory, his pride on the day that he announced the birth of his baby daughter, that (frankly annoying) father of the year mug. If only Aoife had been honest… Jack would have moved back to Belfast with her, would have focused on being a good husband and father, might have even grown to love Aoife after all. And he wouldn’t have been there on that fateful night, when Ryan was kicked to the ground during that drunken brawl… His brother wouldn’t have ended up in prison, and Jack wouldn’t have been living with the guilt ever since.On the other hand, he would never have met Nikki. And that was unthinkable.When he saw her interacting with Cara with her usual instinctive kindness, and equally saw how much the teenager liked her, he entertained the briefest of fantasies. Cara would prove to be his, they’d move in together and be a ready-made family, only waiting for Nikki to come to her senses and realise where she was meant to be… it was a ridiculous notion, of course, and he dismissed it almost as quickly, focusing instead on trying to make things right between Cara and Ryan. Harry came into the changing room in his scrubs, rolling his eyes at the sight of Nikki roaring with laughter as she stood on the bench and rubbed Jack’s hair vigorously with a towel. Having just emerged from a shower, with only a towel around his waist that was threatening to slip, Jack wasn’t in a position to swat her away – or not effectively, anyway.“Gerroff! What are you doing to my hair?”She giggled. “Just making a fuss of the hero of the hour.” She ruffled his crown, affectionately. “You’ve got curls – how cute. Did I ever know that? Also…you’re receding.”He grunted, pushing her hands away. He hated his unruly hair and tended to keep it as short and as well-groomed as possible, but it had grown out a bit during the pandemic. “What on earth have you been up to?” Harry had grabbed a couple of clean towels from the pile and was heading towards the showers, but paused, giving them a curious look.Jack rolled his eyes. “Preventing a murderer and child abductor from drowning herself.”Nikki giggled again. “And finally discovering the one thing that Adam can’t do.”“Nice to know there’s even one,” Harry commented, acerbically. It amused Jack that Harry didn’t seem to care much for the young pathologist – possibly because he slightly resembled a young Harry with his multiple qualifications and obvious intelligence. “Don’t be so mean! I like him.”Harry winked at Jack. “Of course you do. He’s young and innocent and worships you. Better watch out, Jack, she’s turning into a cougar. Now Ollie…”Nikki chucked the towel at him; he dodged neatly and disappeared into the shower cubicle, whistling under his breath.Jack raised an eyebrow at Nikki. “Are you going to bugger off, so I can get dressed…or stay and take in the view?” He adjusted the towel around his waist meaningfully.He didn’t miss the way she flushed slightly as she stepped down from the bench. “In your dreams, Hodgson.”“Hey, I’m not the one who thought I’d make a good specimen.” He couldn’t stop a grin creeping onto his face as he remembered her expression in the meeting room. There had definitely been a smile of admiration, and more than a hint of flirtation in the way her eyes had flickered up and down his body. And if he wasn’t mistaken, she was giving him the once-over right now as he strolled across the room to his locker. She’d seen him stripped down to his shorts a few times before and had clearly admired the view, but not quite so blatantly. Glancing in the mirror, he saw her eyes staring at his shoulders before she turned her head away.There was a moment of silence as Harry stopped whistling. The cubicle door opened fractionally, and the pathologist stuck his head out. “A what?”“Oh, Nikki just thinks I’d be an excellent sperm donor,” Jack replied, nonchalantly.“Yeah…for desperate middle-aged women who haven’t had sex for a long time,” she shot back at him as she headed for the door. Harry sighed theatrically as he closed the door again. “You know, if it’s getting that bad, Nikki, you’ve only got to ask…”“Oh, piss off, Cunningham!” She rolled her eyes as she pushed the door open. “Honestly, you’re as bad as each other…”Gradually, Adam began to grow on Jack. The guy was still too perfect to be true, but he was nice enough, and Jack was grateful for his help with Cara. He even taught Jack bits of sign language whenever they had a spare moment. To be fair, it wasn’t Adam’s fault that he wasn’t Clarissa or Thomas. After Leo’s death, it’d been the four of them for years, and although Thomas had been dead for almost eighteen months already and he’d finally got used to not having Clarissa around, Jack still thought of Adam as the newcomer – the outsider. He’d grown even closer to Nikki when it had just been the two of them, and he had to admit to some jealousy when he saw the two pathologists together. It wasn’t that he suspected anything between them – far from it, Adam was clearly very happily married – but there was inevitably a closeness through their work that he couldn’t share. For some reason, he minded that more than he did Nikki’s closeness with Harry.Harry kept making noises about finding somewhere temporary to live, but he was too busy to do much about it at present, and as the two of them rubbed along together well enough, it didn’t seem to be much of a priority. For a brief period, during the autumn, he went back to face-to-face lectures with his students. Occasionally, he’d bring them along to the Lyell for practical sessions, doing joint demonstrations with Nikki. Jack, observing from the gallery one day, noticed that Ollie, the student who’d had a crush on Nikki, still seemed quite taken with her. He also noticed that Harry, despite privately teasing Nikki about being a maneater, showed some delicacy in distracting Ollie whenever he saw the young man drifting in Nikki’s direction. Jack was grateful for that, and also rather amused at the obvious hero-worship that the young students displayed for their eminent lecturer. He had to admit that Harry had probably made the right decision to leave the Lyell – his skill as a teacher was obvious. He didn’t like to ask Harry when he planned to return to his real life. The USA was still closed to British visitors, although he had no doubt that if Harry really wanted to go back, he could probably find a way. Through Nikki, he knew that Harry was in regular contact with his estranged wife and received updates on the progress of her son, William. They seemed friendly enough, and neither had sued for divorce as far as he knew. Jack had the impression that Jennifer was waiting for Harry to return, so they could talk face-to-face before taking any further action. For Nikki’s sake, Jack did his best to quell his suspicions and get on with Adam. His well-meant suggestions were an occasional irritant. Jack was open-minded in his professional work and perfectly prepared to take advice from fellow forensic scientists, but it wasn’t so easy when the suggestions came from an upstart pathologist. Clever though he was, Adam’s knowledge of forensic science techniques was not as thorough as he evidently believed, so although some of his ideas were worth investigating, many were not. Jack was aware of Nikki’s amusement at his struggle to be diplomatic whenever the younger man came up with a glib idea that appeared to save time but actually didn’t. Adam often failed to recognise that it was precisely Jack’s meticulous methods that got the results. He had a young man’s impatience with tried-and-tested ways of working.But he learned from his mistakes. Jack grew to admire Adam’s persistence. He was happy to put in the long hours required to become an excellent pathologist, despite his young family. He grew more diplomatic with older colleagues, although he still made the occasional gaffe. He developed a greater appreciation for Jack’s techniques and was less inclined to interfere in the forensic science side of the cases they worked on.Jack was much happier now he was back at work. He’d grown used to wearing a mask and going through the rigorous infection control routines. By the end of the year, they’d almost become second nature, and it hardly seemed possible that he might, one day, go back to a ‘normal’ way of living. Connor had finally moved in, and father and son had a peaceful Christmas Day. Cara had decided to stay in London for a while, lodging with friends of Aoife, so she helped Jack to prepare a halfway decent attempt at a Christmas dinner. The trio had visited Ryan and, for once, it had been a happy occasion. Ryan had obtained books on sign language and appeared to be making an effort to get to know his daughter. Jack had put away the paternity forms, firmly resolved not to run the tests, even though he’d already collected the necessary samples. Nikki and Harry celebrated Christmas and the New Year together, of course. Again, Jack found that he didn’t mind as much as he thought he would. He’d have felt worse if she’d been alone, with Matt unable to travel and Jack not feeling that he should invite her over for his father’s sake, with Covid cases rising again. January and February were grim months; they had a minor outbreak among the laboratory staff, but Nikki stamped it out immediately by isolating the staff and closing the Lyell for a deep clean. Adam was off for a couple of weeks, but was asymptomatic and soon back at work when the Lyell reopened for business. Jack received his first vaccine in February – he was still rather bemused to see himself described as ‘vulnerable’ in the clinic’s appointment letters.As spring advanced, Nikki was visibly happier. He couldn’t put a finger on it, but she seemed calmer, more settled than she had in the autumn. She was less inclined to hang around at the Lyell when her work was finished for the day. He didn’t think she was spending more time with Harry, who was in any case generally busy in the evenings with his US lectures, but she was certainly doing something with her spare time. He assumed she’d taken up a new hobby or fitness class. He was grateful to be able to get back to the gym, although he incorporated mindfulness techniques and took regular nature walks. All in all, they’d settled into a good routine. Adam had proved a good choice after all. There was uncertainty over his funding for a second year. Almost certainly, the salary would have to go up, or Adam would move – he’d be a fool not to. Much as Adam admired Nikki, there was a streak of ambition in him. It wouldn’t be long before Dr. Alexander became a direct rival rather than a mentor to that bright young man...If there was one major fault that Jack was prepared to admit to (because it had dogged so much of his professional life), it would be his inability to forgive anyone who had been less than straight with him. He knew it was foolish to take it so personally, but he couldn’t help his bitterness and anger when Adam confessed that his CV really had been too good to be true. That was less of a shock than the fact that he hadn’t disclosed his relationship with one of the suspects. It wasn’t just that he’d made Nikki look like a fool for appointing him. She’d be obliged to report him to the General Medical Council, word would get around, and she’d be the butt of amused speculation among her fellow pathologists through no fault of her own. No, it wasn’t just that – although he fumed at the thought of Nikki’s professionalism being questioned again. It was the fact that Jack had put aside his own suspicions, had strived to accept Adam and make him feel at home, had even gone to his daughter’s christening…and Adam had taken that tentative friendship and thrown it back in his face.So, it was a severe temptation to walk out of the office on the day that Nikki had brought Adam back in. She told him to trust her, but Nikki had always worn her heart on her sleeve, and why the hell should Jack accept Adam at face value after that?He supposed he felt a little sorry for Adam. All that skill, all that ambition…all gone to waste. It would be impossible for Nikki to ignore what he’d told her – not without falling foul of the GMC’s regulations herself. No – Adam would be hauled in for a Fitness to Practice tribunal, and it was highly likely that he would be struck off. It seemed very harsh, considering the fact that his CV would have hardly been less impressive without that documented placement…but it was still a lie.He understood a little better when Adam told him the full story. It had been a shame that Adam had been so poorly advised – it would surely have been better if he’d told the truth about his trauma and time out from his education, instead of trying to hide it. It wouldn’t have made him a worse doctor. Clearly, to Adam’s family, any admission of trauma was a sign of weakness, and Jack could only be relieved that his own family had been more supportive in the early years of his career. But then, if he thought about it, his own parents had colluded with Ryan to protect Jack’s career. Was that really any better than what Adam’s father had done to protect his son’s reputation?When Adam explained where Nikki had been spending her evenings, Jack was briefly surprised…but then he realised that it made sense. Nikki had found some new meaning in her life. Being apart from her boyfriend for so long (and who knew what the hell was going on with that?), she’d clearly decided to turn her attention to giving something back to the community. When he walked into the food bank, she smiled, seeming unsurprised to see him there. “Adam told you then?”He nodded, giving her a meaningful look. “He told me everything.”She grimaced. “I couldn’t turn him away. Not after – well. You heard what happened to him.”“Oh, I get it. But…you know you can’t save him – right?”She sighed, turning back to her task of replenishing the leaflets. “No… I know. It’s just that…would I have done the same in his position?”To be fair, Jack considered the notion for a moment, before shaking his head. “No – you’d have been scrupulously honest on your CV, even if it hadn’t made you look good. You’re not as ambitious as him… Anyway, you’d never be able to keep up the deception for so many years. You’re not that good an actor.”She smiled at that, recognising the truth of it. “It’s lucky I never had that dilemma then.”He eyed her. “You know, you could have dobbed me in. After I told you about Ryan and the fight.”A startled look came into her eyes. “You know, I never even considered it. It’d hardly have been in the public interest, anyway, so many years later.”“It might have been in Ryan’s, though.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Don’t think I haven’t thought of that over the years.”She put a hand on his arm. “Don’t beat yourself up about it. Come on – if you’ve got some time, give me a hand here…and then I’ll buy you a drink. I’ll even be the designated driver so you can have a beer”“Well, I can’t possibly resist that invitation.” He mucked in willingly, helping the volunteers to move some of the heavier bags and boxes before the food bank closed for the day. He looked around him with interest as they left. “So, how long have you been volunteering here?”“Since January. I like it. You meet some interesting people.”He smiled, as they got into the car. “It seems to suit you. You seem…more relaxed somehow.”She drove in silence for a while, pondering. “There’s so much need. Even more, since the pandemic started. People losing their jobs – people who would probably never have imagined that they’d become reliant on a food bank. It only takes a few missed paycheques…” She shuddered. “Just imagine, losing your job, not being able to pay the mortgage, not being able to feed your kids…”They fell silent, both thinking the same thing. Nikki would no doubt appeal to the GMC on Adam’s behalf, but they were under no illusions. The most likely scenario was that he’d be struck off. What would someone like Adam do, cast adrift from his profession? All that intelligence, all that fierce ambition…thwarted. It was true, as Nikki had said, that Adam seemed almost happier now that he was no longer hiding the past, but how long would it be before his positivity faded? Before he had to face the harsh fact that he could no longer support his family by doing the job he loved?“Adam…Adam! Oh, Jesus…”Jack bent over Adam’s body, dialling an ambulance as he did so. “Adam, can you hear me? Adam…”The man’s eyes opened, his lips curling up into that half smile that had aggravated Jack on so many occasions. “You took your time, mate… Come to take all the credit?”His voice was slurred. Jack’s eyes ran quickly over his face, recognising the signs of a major head injury. This was bad. “Oh, man… The ambulance is on its way, what happened?”“I messed up… You trusted me… That means a lot…”Adam’s head twitched and those brilliant, intelligent eyes began to glaze over…“Adam, Adam, stay with me… Adam, c’mon man, stay with me. Stay with me…”He knew it was hopeless, but he performed CPR until the paramedics arrived. He stood and watched their efforts, saw the shake of heads…Nikki ran towards him, towards Adam. He stopped her almost automatically…pulling her into his chest as she sobbed with sudden realization…They sat in the car silently, as the ambulance took Adam’s body away. They’d given their statements to DI Cracknell. She approached their car now, a little warily, bending down on the driver’s side to speak to Jack.“We need to process the scene. And Professor Cowley’s car too. It’s obvious he knocked Adam down, but we’d better get the evidence before they tow it.”Jack had to work at getting the words out of his frozen mouth. “Get Helen. Get someone else. Anyone. I can’t do it.”Cracknell’s eyes flickered towards Nikki. She nodded briefly. “Understood.”He glanced over at Nikki; she was trembling slightly, her bloodshot eyes staring at the spot where Adam had lay. He turned the key in the ignition, noticing that his hands were shaking. They didn’t speak as he drove her home. Not until he’d pulled up outside her house. “You know it’s not your fault… Adam…he didn’t need to do that by himself. He could have called Cracknell, told her what he suspected. She would have listened. He could have rung you. We would have helped him…if only he’d asked.”“I know.” Her voice was faint, made harsh by crying, as she undid her seatbelt. “It won’t stop me wishing I’d never badgered him with all those phone calls. If I hadn’t made him come back…”“If you hadn’t, he’d have always wondered. He solved the case…” Jack shook his head, closing his eyes. “I just wish he’d told us first… Maybe, if I hadn’t been so hard on him…”“Please Jack. Don’t. Just…don’t.”Her door opened suddenly. “Are you ever going to come in?” Harry peered in, his amused expression evaporating as he took them in. “Jesus. What’s happened?”“Oh, Harry…” Nikki let out a noise halfway between a gasp and a sob and lurched forward, burying her face in his shoulder. “Niks. What's wrong?” Harry’s arms automatically encircled Nikki. He looked over at Jack for an explanation. Suddenly unable to speak, Jack merely shook his head, rubbing a trembling hand over his face.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
How the hell did you go about telling your colleague of nearly ten years that you were in love with them, and probably had been for the best part of those ten years?Especially when that colleague was your de-facto boss, and your work conditions were so intimate that it was practically impossible to get any privacy – when you had to have absolute trust and open communication just to get the job done? When even a minor disagreement could make it difficult to be as efficient as you needed to be? After all, they’d been there – hadn’t they? - when Jack had made mistakes after Mexico because he’d been too busy worrying about Nikki… and back then they’d had Thomas and Clarissa as a buffer.If he screwed this up, there’d be no coming back. It would be impossible to work with her if she found out the truth and didn’t return his feelings. The sheer embarrassment alone would be unbearable.Not that he really thought that she was indifferent. As the weeks passed, as spring gave way to summer once more, and their grief over Adam’s death became less acute, a familiar tension seemed to arise again. Once more, they were alone in the office most of the time, and there seemed to be a heightened awareness of the fact. Not an unpleasant awareness – at least, not for him. He was more conscious of each casual touch. His body tingled whenever they brushed arms while crouching close together at a scene, and he sensed her almost silent intake of breath at the same moment. They had worked together long enough to develop a kind-of dance around each other. He knew how to fold his tall frame into a potentially cramped environment, and she had an instinctive knowledge of how to accommodate his height through considerate movements of her own. They’d been doing that for so many years that it was second nature to them…so why was he suddenly so tuned into her? Why was there so much significance in her resting a hand on his shoulder to adjust her position or automatically putting out a hand for an evidence bag without asking?Was it just his overactive imagination or was she really looking at him more often? At the office, it felt as if every time he lifted his eyes from his work to glance in her direction (and maybe he was doing that just a little more frequently these days), her face seemed to turn away quickly. Occasionally, he caught her eyes on him and they would share a brief awkward moment, usually interrupted by the phone or by one of the lab technicians coming in. Even Nikki’s garden didn’t feel like the quiet haven that it had the previous year. For a start, no one seemed to know the rules - were they still in lockdown or not? Cases were rising again, but the streets were busier, the evenings less peaceful. And the weather was not so clement in the summer of 2021. Jack wasn’t self-isolating, so he could go inside her house, but the atmosphere there was different too. Harry had finally moved out into a rental apartment earlier in the year. It should have felt more intimate without him around, but Nikki seemed uncomfortable and tense most of the time. She’d always leave a gap between them when sitting on the sofa; her old natural habit of leaning into him affectionately and laying her head on his shoulder was gone…and he couldn’t work out why.Part of the problem, Jack suspected, was the ongoing situation with Matt. One night, when he’d popped over with a bottle and an Indian takeaway, Nikki had seemed actively upset. She’d denied it strenuously and with such a dark expression on her face that even Jack didn’t dare push for more. Later, her phone had rang and she’d taken the call in the kitchen; Jack had heard the tension in her voice as it rose and fell. It was clear that the couple had reached crisis point, but Nikki either couldn’t, or wouldn’t, give Jack any details…much to Clarissa’s irritation when Jack discussed it with her.Even on the small Zoom screen on his iPad, Jack could see her bristling with annoyance. Max had considerately slipped away to allow his wife space to vent freely…or perhaps to avoid the fireworks. “For God’s sake – tell her! Or I will,” she threatened.“It’s not that simple -.”“Oh, it never bloody is with you and Nikki! I’m sick of it. Honestly, I expected you to be shagging like bunnies and irritatingly smug about it throughout the entirety of this never-ending pandemic. You were finally going to man up last year – what the hell happened?”Jack shrugged. “Well – mostly – the pandemic. And Harry, I suppose.”She snorted with disgust. “Bollocks.”“Gotta say, your language has really deteriorated during lockdown, Dr. Mullery.”The glint in her eye told him that she wasn’t prepared to be distracted. “Complete and utter bollocks, Jack. You could have confessed any time in the last eighteen months, Harry or not, and you know it.”“And Matt?”She dismissed Nikki’s partner as so much irrelevance. “You know as well as I do that he’s no good for her – not now, if he ever was. They’re far too different. When did you ever know Nikki to be impressed by money, power, posh restaurants, parties – all that rubbish? She couldn’t care less. The happiest I’ve ever seen her is slumming it on your crappy old sofa with a slice of pizza and a glass of red.”“Thanks a lot.” He didn’t have to fake the outrage, being quite fond of his old leather sofa.She smirked. “Well, it is a bit crappy.”“Old, I grant you…but well-used. Comfortable.”“Maybe that’s why she’s so attached to it. I swear it’s got a permanent Nikki-shaped dent.”He sighed. “Well, to be fair, we haven’t had a chance to see Nikki in Washington. She might be equally attached to Matt’s sofa.”Clarissa’s grin had disappeared. “I don’t think so – not going by her body language when we spoke the other day.”“Did she say anything?”“No – it was more what she didn’t say… But look, she’s changed. The volunteering at the food bank for a start. Being separated from your partner for the best part of two years probably doesn’t help, but I suspect they were drifting apart even before the pandemic. She was always uneasy at the prospect of being a politician’s wife. It was probably glamourous at first, but I think that being apart from him for so long has helped her realize it was never going to work out long term… He’s not right for her - and I don’t know how many times in my life I’m going to have to remind you of this, Jack, but you are. And – frankly – seeing you wasting your time so pointlessly, it – it depresses me. As if my life right now isn’t depressing enough.”He eyed her sympathetically. “That bad?”She paused, as if trying to work out how to word it. “I’m not…scared, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’ve had enough health crises in my life – if I catch the virus, it’ll be just another attempt on my life… No, not scared, but…” She took a deep breath. “You know why I left the Lyell. I wanted to see more of life, and we’d just started to do that. I’ve spent most of my life trying to challenge the limits of my disability. When I was a child, there was no way I’d have been able to travel around the world - the technology didn’t exist. It does now – and yet, here I am. Stuck at home.”There was an emptiness in her tone that was new. He forced a reassuring smile. “C’mon, kid. It’ll be over soon.”“Will it?” She sighed. “I don’t know. But anyway…back to you and Nikki. You do know how you can put a smile back on my face, don’t you…?”It was a depressing summer in many ways. Jack, in common with most people (including Clarissa, apparently), was getting sick of the Covid rules. However, he was sensible enough to continue using a mask in public and maintaining strict hygiene. Conor complained from time to time, but mostly seemed resigned to the point of lethargy. Jack had noticed that his father had slowed down in recent months and grown progressively shakier. He rarely ventured out and seemed afraid of falling. He’d also become a little vague, occasionally repeating himself. That was almost more of a concern to Jack than his physical frailty – Conor had always been sharp.The one bright spark in their life was Cara, who’d chosen to stay in London for a while, enrolling on a photography course. Jack suspected that the course was merely an excuse for not returning to her mother; in reality, Cara planned to stay until her father was released from prison, and possibly beyond if the two of them got on as well as they seemed to during her brief prison visits. The girl seemed to have an extraordinary capacity for forgiveness.As autumn rolled around, Jack felt an additional weight on his shoulders. He’d agreed to act as guarantor for Ryan’s probation and allow him to move into his house until his brother could make other arrangements. He couldn’t shift the knot of unease in his stomach. In truth, he’d only agreed because he hoped it would brighten Conor up to have both his sons living with him…and who knew how much time his father had left? Ryan had a right to spend time with his father while he still could.At first, his brother had seemed disconcertingly quiet and apparently grateful to have somewhere to live. His affinity with Cara was clear, but Jack found himself gritting his teeth as he watched their interactions. He feared for Cara, and he couldn’t exactly say why. He couldn’t help but remember Katie Bowman and Hannah Kennedy. He had to remind himself that he was being entirely unfair on Ryan, who’d paid for his mistakes in full…and yet, he felt twitchy whenever he considered Cara’s vulnerability. She seemed so happy – so trusting - with Ryan. And maybe… maybe Jack was just a little jealous…Dr. Simone Tyler, forensic ecologist and serious coffee addict, was a breath of fresh air blowing through the Lyell. Even if she didn’t stay for long, she served to remind Nikki and Jack of their isolation.Nikki had been reluctant to replace Adam. She had no guaranteed funding for his post beyond September, even though Harry was still covering Thomas’ professorship for the 2021-2022 academic year. In theory, Harry might be replaced by a permanent hire at any time, but the university didn’t seem to be prioritizing recruitment. In view of that, there seemed little point in replacing Adam with a full- time junior pathologist, so Nikki carried on alone, calling upon temps and occasionally Harry whenever the workload threatened to get out of hand.Privately, Jack felt that her university bosses were a little too laissez faire about the situation. In ‘normal’ times, they’d never have held on to someone with Harry’s reputation for so long. Admittedly, Harry seemed happy enough to carry on with his strange situation. He’d settled into an expensive and minimalist apartment with fabulous views, and was continuing to deliver online lectures to his New York students alongside his current role.Although Harry seemed as popular as ever with his little group of forensic pathology students, Jack noticed that the pathologist was quieter and not quite his usual self during the early autumn weeks. He could hardly blame him. Harry was being pulled in two directions. He was anxious to return to his life in New York and sort out the issues with his estranged wife, but US airspace was still closed to European travellers, so it wasn’t clear exactly when that would happen. At the same time, he appeared to relish the security of the Lyell…and Nikki. Jack, watching them working together one afternoon in early October, could see that Harry had grown deeply attached to her in a way that few others perhaps would understand. Jack felt that he did understand it, little though he wanted to. He recalled his early days at the Lyell and his speculations about the departed Harry Cunningham who had left such an indelible mark on Nikki. Over the years, that influence seemed to have waned, but it had never quite left her – Harry was probably one of the most important figures in her life, along with her beloved Leo, and he always would be, for better or for worse. For some reason, Jack had always assumed – and perhaps feared - that if Harry ever walked back into her life, it would have been Nikki who showed her emotions openly. Instead, she seemed to treat Harry with the brisk kindness of an older sister. That October day, when Jack accidentally caught the pathologist’s achingly soft expression as he gazed at Nikki’s back, it was enough of a surprise to make him blink.After the initial shock, Jack didn’t feel particularly threatened. In the first place he couldn’t believe that Harry’s feelings were romantic in nature – not now. If he had fallen back in love with her (assuming he’d even been in love in the first place), he’d had plenty of opportunities to act during the fifteen months or so that he’d been living with her. The fact that he’d moved out of her house – his decision rather than hers – was hardly suggestive of any kind of latent passion. It was far more likely he loved her as one of his closest friends, and that Jack had misinterpreted that tender look.And even if Harry’s feelings were romantic, Jack was fairly confident that Nikki didn’t return them. He was aware, in a rather hopeless way, that if Nikki harboured any feelings of that nature, they were aimed at him…but that didn’t seem to help matters much. Judging by the troubled expression he occasionally caught on Nikki’s face as she looked in his direction, she shared his secret dilemma. Neither of them had sterling records when it came to romance. What they did have was a strong friendship – he liked to think it was even stronger than that between Nikki and Harry - and maybe, like him, she was wondering whether it was worth risking.Jennifer’s son was over one year old now and already walking. Since his birth, Harry had been bombarding them with endless photographs and videos at a level of detail that only Adam had been really sympathetic with. Jack himself had little interest in babies and young children – he didn’t mind them at a distance but that was about it, and he didn’t feel particularly paternal. He was surprised by Nikki’s lack of interest – although, as Clarissa pointed out, it was rather sexist of him to presume she’d like babies just because she happened to be female. He still found himself wondering from time to time whether Nikki regretted not becoming a mother when she was younger.His speculations may have been prompted by the increasing amount of time he spent speculating whether Cara really was his. The more he saw of her, the more probable it seemed. Her gentleness, her instinctive empathy, the warmth in her eyes – they were all Aoife, but she shared his quirky sense of humour, and she was sharp-eyed and had a strong sense for the smallest detail. They enjoyed similar books and films, they liked going to football matches, he’d even taken her to a boxing night. None of this was remotely genetic, of course, but he just couldn’t see Ryan in her at all. And when he learned that Ryan had hidden a gun in his own bloody house, with absolutely no regard for their father’s safety, Jack became even more convinced that he must be Cara’s father. It seemed impossible for someone so lovely and perfect to have come from his disaster of a brother. It was with fresh determination that he dug out the paternity forms and submitted his evidence. He didn’t even care if Ryan found out. So what if he discovered that his girlfriend had cheated with his own brother - it wasn’t as if Ryan had ever been faithful to Aoife! Jack almost felt that he owed it to Cara to ensure that she had a father she could rely on.Nikki would understand how he felt. Even with the underlying tension between them, she’d understood that he didn’t entirely feel comfortable at home anymore. When she asked him out for a drink in her usual casual manner and then had agreed to join him for a ‘date’ at the boxing ring, it had cheered him immensely. She’d never attended a match before, had always refused to watch even back when he had still boxed competitively, so for her to show willing on this occasion seemed significant, even if he’d only suggested it because of Ben Coogan’s connection to their current case.He'd liked the way she’d leaned into him, clutching his wrist in tension as the fight progressed. Even in his distraction as he watched the drama unfolding afterwards, he’d warmed at her smile and at the perfectly natural way she said: “shall we go home then?” – as if ‘home’ would be the same location for them both. And when he’d got involved in the fight and laid into Kovic in an instinctive response to being punched, it was only Nikki’s anguished shout that stopped his fists. She was typically annoyed with him as she took him back to the Lyell to tend to the wound on his cheekbone…but there was a tone of fondness, almost admiration as she admonished him for ‘auditioning for Rocky’.A silence fell between them as she gently cleaned the cut. His breathing evened out; he closed his eyes, simply enjoying her closeness, even relishing the sting of the swab as her fingers steadied his cheek. It didn’t escape him that she would once have simply chucked the first aid kit in his direction – and in fact he’d have probably insisted on sorting out his own wounds back then too. Now, it seemed entirely natural to let her do it. “What’s going on with you?” she asked quietly. He opened his eyes, seeing nothing but compassion in hers. “Ryan… He brought a gun into the house.”She paused, shocked. “Did you inform his probation officer?” As the shake of his head, she sighed gently. “I know… I know you feel indebted to Ryan for what he did, years ago…but at some point, that debt is paid.”He winced, deeply uncomfortable with the topic. What would she think of him if she knew about Cara? “At what point, Nikki? You don’t know what I’ve done…”It might have the moment to tell her, but he saw her eyes flicker towards his cheek and recognized the sudden awareness as she realized the wound on his cheek matched that found on the boxer’s body…And then his phone went…When he saw Conor slumped on the floor, bruised and bloody and crying quietly, Jack didn’t think it was possible to feel such hatred towards another person. Even as the old man shook his head and tried to excuse Ryan – “don’t judge him, son, he didn’t know what he was doing” – he felt the poison burning his veins. Again, it was Nikki’s gentleness that broke through the rage. It was only because of Nikki that he was able to comfort his father and take him to hospital for treatment. It was for Nikki’s sake alone that he returned to work the following day, that he confined himself to a couple of angry phone calls. Even when he found out that Ryan knew about the paternity tests, his anger continued to simmer. It wasn’t good enough. Ryan wasn’t good enough, and OK maybe – just maybe – Jack had screwed his brother’s life up, but it wasn’t bloody good enough. Nikki was right – she’d been right all along. There was something fundamentally rotten about his brother that couldn’t be justified by circumstance. He had to let the guilt go. He almost called the probation officer… almost. All that stayed his hand was the realization that Cara might be travelling to Ireland with Ryan. He felt as if his fear for her was justified.Nikki - relaxing on his sofa once again, glass of red and pizza slice in hand, as if she belonged there – Nikki seemed to understand. She took the news about Cara’s potential paternity in her stride. She didn’t push him to do the right thing, and he loved her for it…even though, Nikki-like, she was sharp enough to see what he was trying to deny. He was jealous of Ryan. He did want Cara to be his daughter – so much so that it hurt. And Nikki seeing it didn’t help – her words felt like a knife twisting in his gut. “I’m just saying that – perhaps – strong feelings are clouding your judgement.”The simmering anger in him exploded. “Damn right strong feelings are clouding my judgement! This is my family!”God, he hated the hurt in her eyes…the uncertain way she withdrew her gaze, as if she suddenly realized that she was overstepping as a colleague. As if she could ever overstep… He wanted to sink to his knees in front of her, he wanted to tell her that she wasn’t just a colleague, not just a friend, but something far more complex and beautiful and terrifying. He wanted to bury his face in her lap, offer his entire pathetic life to her, kiss her hands, promise her anything…anything, just to wipe the pain and worry from that perfect face. He couldn’t. Not now.“I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” All he could do was hold out his hand and pray that she would take it. And she did. Palm to palm, eyes connected, together again, in a way that transcended mere love… if only they had the courage to name it.Her eyes softened almost immediately – of course she forgave him, she always did. Again, there was that unnamed tension, but this time mixed up with warmth and a sense of belonging. Now was not a time for potentially dangerous declarations – he felt, as she did, the peace and surety of their friendship. That could never be threatened, whatever happened now or in the future.She relaxed back into the sofa, relinquishing his hand almost reluctantly as she smiled. “We don’t do this enough these days. Wine, takeaway… We used to, didn’t we? Remember those days? Before Thomas…”She broke off, taking a gulp of her wine. “Yeah, I remember.” There had been the tensions of Mexico and her relationship with Matt, but they’d come through it. Whenever Matt was away, they’d fallen back into their regular pattern of lunches and takeaways in front of the TV. He sighed. “It’s hard to find the time these days. My dad… And you’re so busy…”“So are you,” she pointed out, ruefully. “Did we appreciate them enough, do you think? I mean, obviously Clarissa… but I had no idea just how much Thomas had to do, and Leo before him. The paperwork and all the diplomacy… I’m terrible at it.”“You’re not terrible!”She winced. “But I’m not really good at it either. I hate being out of the lab. I quite like taking charge of our caseload, but -.”He nudged her. “There you go. I always said you wanted to be the boss.”She elbowed him back, laughing. “I don’t – that’s the point! The lab work – yes. But as for the rest of it - no wonder Leo used to get so stressed.”Jack smiled. “Thomas took it in his stride.”“He did. I forget sometimes, but he was a brilliant manager. I mean, he always supported me, even when I made life difficult for him. I can’t forget how supportive, how kind he was after – after Mexico… He was so much more than just a boss. I…” she paused, her eyes glistening slightly. “You know how much I still think about Leo, but…I didn’t know how much Thomas meant to me, until it was too late. And I was so horrible to him at first… Actually,” she paused, frowning. “I suppose that’s who I want for the Lyell.”“Another Thomas?” “Yes, maybe… Or maybe even someone like Sam Ryan.”“You ever meet her?”She shook her head. “I wish I had. Leo and Harry were always going on about her. She’s kind-of a legend, isn’t she?”“I did once.” He smiled in recollection. “Not to talk to, but she gave a lecture. I was just a lowly first year student, far too shy to approach her.”She smiled. “I wish I’d met you back then. I have visions of a cute, gangly, awkward teenager…”He shook his head, grinning. “Not too far off, apart from the cute. But we’d never have spoken. I’d have been too much in awe of you in those days, let alone Professor Ryan.”“You mean, you’re not now? I’m disappointed.” She leaned into him – a brief return of the old affection - and then shrugged. “I suppose I’m looking for someone who’ll deal with all the…stuff and let me focus on what I want to do. Interesting cases, facial reconstructions…” She smiled, wistfully. “It might be nice to write another paper sometime. I used to, you know - forensic anthropology.”He eyed her. “Are you saying that you won’t be applying for the professorship – assuming they ever get around to recruiting? You know they’d probably give it to you like a shot - and you enjoyed the teaching, didn’t you?”She paused again. “No… No, I don’t think I will.”There was a silence between them; eventually he broke it. “So, you don’t want to be the boss after all.”He meant it jokingly, but the look she gave him was deeply serious. “No, Jack. I don’t want to be your boss.”The double negative seemed very pointed. All at once, the familiar tension was back as her dark eyes held his. He sensed she was watching his reaction – perhaps seeking a clue in his body language to give her the courage she needed to say something else. He held her gaze, feeling his breath stutter. Was it his imagination, or did her eyes flicker very quickly to his lips and then back? “Jack…” Her voice sounded croaky, and she swallowed, almost audibly in the silence, and tried again. “Um, Jack, there’s something I’ve been meaning to mention -.”“Jack? You still up? I can’t sleep – it’s those tablets…”The spell was broken. Nikki put down her empty glass and jumped to her feet as Conor entered the lounge, blinking in confusion at the sight of her. “Conor! It’s good to see you again.”Jack suppressed a sigh of irritation as his father smiled uncertainly at Nikki. “I didn’t know you were here, Dr. Alexander.”The old man’s voice quavered. Jack rose to go to him, but Nikki was faster, striding across the room, her hand out. “Are you in pain?”Conor looked tired and confused. “It’s these blasted tablets. I don’t know where I am with them these days. I think I’m supposed to take something to help me sleep…”“Well, let’s just take a look…” She led Conor in the direction of the kitchen, throwing Jack a quick smile over her shoulder.He sighed again as he drained his glass. “To better times indeed.”“I sit and waitDoes an angel contemplate my fate”So, here he is, sitting at a table in this awful karaoke bar - the kind of place he wouldn’t normally be seen dead in, trying to work out how the hell she managed to drag him through the door. He must still be light-headed from that punch Ryan gave him at the coach station. If Clarissa was here – God forbid! - she’d be hooting with laughter at his expression of discomfort. He’s tried to plaster an artificial smile on his face to encourage Nikki. Just behind him, that bunch of drunken hens are giving it all they’re worth, tunelessly belting out the verse - which is a shame in a way, because it’s hard for him to make out Nikki’s voice, even with the mic, and he doesn’t think he’s ever heard her sing before. It’s not a bad effort, but the key is pitched a little low for her and she sounds wobbly.Robbie bloody Williams? For crying out loud! Ok, so maybe he did dare her to get up there as a punishment for bringing him here, but of all the songs she could have chosen…She smiles at him, maybe a little embarrassed but still determined.“So when I’m lying in my bed,Thoughts running through my head”Simone appears suddenly at his shoulder. He stands up, giving her a smile of genuine pleasure – hopefully this means that she’s accepted their offer. She’s good – no Clarissa, of course, but he’s still looking forward to working with her. He mimes fetching her a drink, but she waves him away and wanders towards the bar.“I’m loving angels instead”He sits again, refocuses on Nikki. Her fond expression reminds him of something she said earlier, in the office – something about making changes to both their lives… He hasn’t had time to think about the implications of that; what she might possibly mean.“And through it all he offers me protectionA lot of love and affection…”The hens shout it out at the top of their lungs, but now he finds he can block them out. Did she just sing ‘he’? Her voice is stronger now, more at ease with the higher pitch, and he’s pretty sure he heard right.Her eyes are on him alone, as if there’s no one else in the room. The smile lights up her beautiful face…and suddenly he can’t breathe. It couldn’t be more obvious – Nikki is singing to him, and him only. It’s the closest she’s ever come to saying the words he’s dreamt of hearing from her lips for years.“When I come to call, he won’t forsake meI’m loving angels instead.”It’s got to be the naffest, most woeful, karaoke cliché of all time but, all at once, it’s also the most beautiful song in the world. And he won’t hear anyone say otherwise. She’s walking towards him now, slightly flushed and giving a huff of relief, as the raucous crowd applaud her enthusiastically. As well they might.“Hey, Nikki, that was amazing!” Simone is standing next to him, but he’s hardly aware of her, his eyes still fixed on Nikki. She grins briefly in Simone’s direction, but her eyes soften as they focus on him again…Simone is still talking. “Oh sorry, Harry, didn’t see you there. Wasn’t she great?”Startled, Jack looks over his shoulder. Harry is standing right behind him. His face is stark, his eyes glittering with some strange emotion as he stares at Nikki. For a moment, he looks almost distraught.“Well? Come on, Harry!” Simone prompts him, seeming unaware of his tension. “You’ve got to have heard her sing before - right?”Harry visibly shakes himself and looks away from Nikki; he focuses on Simone with a strained smile on his face. “Not sure I ever did, actually. Yes, it was very good…?”His last words come out almost as a question, and his eyes flicker back in Nikki’s direction. He seems entirely unaware of Jack for the moment. He faces Nikki again; sees her glancing at Harry and then back at him, seeming suddenly flustered. She looks as if she’s about to sit down, but then hesitates for a moment before picking up her glass of wine and draining it decisively. “Right! Well, that’s done. I think I’ve embarrassed myself - and tortured Jack – quite enough for one night, so why don’t we find somewhere quieter for the next drink…unless you want to have a go, Simone?”Simone grimaces at the cacophony coming from the next singer. “Not a chance!” She tosses back her own drink. “Coming, Jack?” In a dream, he finds himself following Nikki and Harry towards the exit. “Weird,” he hears Simone mutter under her breath, but not quite as quietly as she evidently thinks. “Could’ve sworn she was aiming that at Jack…but now I’m not so sure…”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“So…you and Nikki. You never…?”Jack winced. Simone was an absolute sweetheart, but she could be less than subtle.“What?”“Two gorgeous people like you...” She shook her head in disbelief as she went into the kitchen to replace the apparently unsatisfactory cup of tea that he’d made for her. “No, she’s with Matt, has been for ages, all very happy,” he muttered automatically. How many years had he been trotting out that line? How true was it these days? Damn Nikki! Why couldn’t she be open for once? Why did she always have to keep him guessing?He thought they’d finally got somewhere during the karaoke evening. Simone had seemed unsure, but Jack knew Nikki was singing to him - and not to Harry… And yet, the rest of the evening she’d kept her distance. They’d gone onto another bar and made a night of it – the four of them. She’d seemed perfectly relaxed, standing them a couple of rounds, teasing Simone for not being brave enough to sing. Not once had she given Jack any kind of indication that there had been a hidden message in that song. Harry had seemed subdued for a while, but he had soon cheered up as Nikki teased him in her usual manner. At the end of the evening, they’d shared a taxi, which had dropped off first Simone and then Jack. He’d watched as Nikki and Harry drove away…and then walked into his dark house, his mood soured.Since that night, Harry’s behaviour had transformed. Before, he’d been merely friendly with Nikki, apart from the occasional furtive glance that suggested more than platonic affection. Now he was far more flirtatious, seeming to take any opportunity to touch her – slinging his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into little hugs, tweaking her nose, resting his chin on her shoulder. Nikki seemed to laugh off his gestures…but she didn’t avoid them either. Jack felt sure he was getting an insight into the way they used to be, back before Harry left for New York; he was reminded of the blatant affection he’d first noticed in those photos in Harry’s old desk. Nikki looked younger, livelier. And Harry was always visiting the Lyell. God knew how he managed to get through his busy schedule - practically every time Jack turned around, there he was.Simone was one of those people who seemed to be an instant friend to everyone she met – much to Jack’s horror, it didn’t take her long at all to make good on her threat to set him up with a date. Liz looked nice enough, but he cringed inwardly as Simone presented her phone to Nikki for approval.Nikki smiled blandly, her eyes veiled, as she looked at the screen. “Perfect. What does she do?” Jack closed his eyes briefly and felt his innards die even more as the two teased him before Simone disappeared to organize the ‘date’. He felt Nikki’s eyes burning into him as he looked away and tried to focus on his work.“When was the last proper relationship that you had?”Oh God, Nikki, please don’t go there… “Define relationship.” His voice came out cold, and much steadier than he had expected.“Someone you see more than once, and you know their second name? Why not? Take a risk.”Why did she have to sound so calm? Why couldn’t she look even a little disconcerted at the thought of him seeing someone else? All those looks, all those awkward pauses, that song… did they really mean nothing to her? Had he been misinterpreting her all along? Maybe she really did only love him as some kind of needy little brother… the very idea stuck in his throat and made his voice croaky as he replied, desperately seeking some kind of excuse.“Yeah, it’s just Dad – he’s, umm… He’s all over the place at the moment.”Her head shot up at that, and he could see the concern. She’d always been fond of Conor. “He’s got worse?”“There’s no getting better. And after what happened with Ryan…” His voice cracked as he got up, walking away quickly before his emotions got the better of him. “No, Harry, I’m not going to your little party!”Jack paused on his way to the office, hearing Nikki’s exasperated voice. Judging by the throaty laugh that followed it, she wasn’t really annoyed.“C’mon, Niks. Rescue me!”The voices were coming from the changing rooms. The door was open, so it wasn’t difficult for him to see that they were both in scrubs, Nikki brushing out her gleaming hair as Harry washed his hands. “Why should I? They’re your students – they invited you to judge their competition, not me! Anyway, what are they doing here?”“You don’t mind, do you? It’s that donated body with the fentanyl patch. They wanted to see how the full PM played out, and I thought it could be a useful teaching opportunity.”“Oh yes.” Nikki’s voice turned professional as she pulled her hair into a tight ponytail. “Bit of an unusual finding. That’s why the coroner wanted me to scrub in with you.”“Sure…” He wiped his hands, then spun around and grabbed her around the waist with lightning speed, pulling her against him.“Harry! You’ll have to wash again…”“Don’t care.” His voice was low, intimate. “If you don’t agree to come with me, I’ll…”“You’ll what?” Was it his imagination, or did Nikki’s voice sound shaky? She was staring into Harry’s eyes, their faces very close together. For an awful moment, he thought Harry would kiss her.“I’ll…” Harry seemed to swallow nervously before a grin suddenly appeared on his face. “I’ll tickle you until you say yes.”She squealed and batted his hands away, dancing across the changing room. “Alright! Alright, I’ll come. Just don’t expect me to dance with them – especially Ollie. I do not want to encourage him.”“Will you dance with me?” Harry leaned against the sink, arms crossed. His eyes were warm as he smiled at her - his personal feelings weren’t even remotely hidden now. “It’ll be like old times.”She laughed but seemed unsure. Her eyes darted away from Harry, and she caught sight of Jack through the doorway. As he continued walking towards the office, he fancied that she looked flushed and slightly embarrassed. He kept his face calm, clenching his fists as soon as he was out of sight.Screw it. He would go on that date...“God, I am so sorry about Dad.”Liz lay back on the pillows and laughed. She had a throaty, sensual laugh that reminded him a little of Nikki’s. “No worries. Although I did feel a bit like a teenager again.” She turned towards him, smiling. “He seems sweet, your dad.”She was warm and pretty, in his bed… ruffled blonde hair and sleepy blue eyes… more than a little alluring in the morning sunshine. He grinned at her, feeling a stirring of interest now that his embarrassment had faded. Yes, he could get used to this...“I guess you think I’m pretty weird, living with my dad in my forties.”She shrugged. “It’s not as unusual as you may think. It’s actually kind of nice to see generations getting on for a change. But anyway…” her smile turned regretful. “It doesn’t really matter what I think, does it? Since we’re not going to be doing this again.”“Aren’t we?” He didn’t know whether to feel disappointed or relieved.Her smile was kind. “I don’t think so, Jack.”He lay back on his pillow, his morning interest waning. “That bad, was it?”“On the contrary… it was fun.” She wriggled onto her back with a contented sigh. “You were great…it was just what I needed. I don’t know what Simone told you, but I’m just out of a…situation that was a bit…intense. To be frank, I needed reminding that I’m a woman - and that my body still works that way, if you know what I mean. And you helped…more than you know. But…” she sighed. “Lovely though it was, I realized two things last night. I’m too old to do casual any more… and this is casual, isn’t it?”He met her gaze with honesty. “Yes… I’m sorry.”“Thought so.” She didn’t seem too put out. “Don’t be sorry – you can’t help the way you feel. And I’m not sure I’m ready for a relationship anyway. I need to get over a few things first.”They were silent for a few moments, but it was a comfortable, relaxed silence. Jack was surprised to realize that he didn’t feel the need to jump out of bed immediately, as he usually did with one-night stands. “You said you realized two things,” he commented after a while.“I did.” She gave him a lascivious grin that made him tingle a little. “And the second was that… well, how can I put this? You were very attentive. You knew how to make me feel good and you spent a lot of time making me feel good. I felt, um, well looked after, but… somehow I had the feeling that you may have actually been visualizing someone else while you, um… you know.”He ran his hand over his forehead, feeling a deep blush creeping over his face. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t very nice of me.”She giggled. “Don’t worry about it. I’m guessing I look a bit like her – right?”He didn’t like to answer that, but she seemed to know anyway. She turned towards him again, rubbing his arm in a teasing manner. “It’s OK - honestly. You got to live out a fantasy, and I had a really nice time, so we both got something out of it.”He turned his head to take her in. “But you don’t deserve to be treated like that.” He brought up a hand to smooth her hair away from her face. “You should have someone who appreciates just how beautiful you are…”“And I will. Someday.” She leaned in to give him a light kiss, lingering with just the promise of something more if he was willing. He was right – she really was beautiful, and not just in the obvious way. It would be very easy just to reach out and… He sighed and moved his face away.“Hmm. I thought so.” Her smile was rueful.“I meant it.” He shook his head. “You are lovely, and you don’t deserve to be used.”She giggled. “Not a bad way to be ‘used’. I have no regrets… I take it you’re in love with her?”He nodded.“And have been for years, I bet. And haven’t got around to telling her, for…reasons, probably bloody stupid ones. I feel like I know you, Jack. I’ve met men like you before. You admire from a distance, and you never get around to doing something about it. I’ve been there…” Her voice was momentarily darker, and he wondered about the ‘situation’ she mentioned having recently left. “My advice? Do something about it. If she feels the same…” She smiled at him, a glint in her eye. “Well, put it this way… based on my experience last night, she won’t regret it.”He laughed, his heart lightening. “Thanks for the compliment.”“You’re very welcome.” Abruptly, she turned practical. “Actually, I need to go… Jack? Will you promise me something?”“Sure.”She paused, her eyes running over his features, a little frown of concern on her face. “Don’t do this again – I mean, last night. For your own sake. You’re a lovely guy – gorgeous, sexy, caring… but I get the feeling you’re past the casual stage too.” She sighed regretfully and moved to get out of bed. “I just hope she deserves you.”There was something about Beattie Elleston that fascinated Jack from the moment he met her. She had an ageless serenity - a natural, easy air that could only have come from a lifetime of fulfillment, both professionally and personally. He could honestly say that if he had even half of her confidence by the time he reached her age, he’d feel that he hadn’t wasted his life. Even the oxygen tank that she had to carry around with her to manage her emphysema couldn’t diminish her dignity or her humour. Clearly, this woman was going die as she had always lived – with zero regrets. It wasn’t even a massive surprise when he learnt that she still smoked despite her COPD.He also couldn’t help speculating what it might have been like to have met her forty or fifty years ago. Despite her advanced age and infirmity, she had a classic beauty about her, a sparkle in her eye, a humorous twitch in those carefully painted lips… He could easily imagine her first as a pretty young woman, then maturing into a wise beauty in middle age. He couldn’t say precisely why he felt so drawn to her, except that she perhaps reminded him just a little of Nikki with her self-confidence and poise. He only knew that if he’d met her as a young woman, he would have followed her just helplessly and unquestioningly as he did now.It wasn’t just because he felt a strange affinity with her. He knew, with an instinct borne of many years’ experience, that Beattie held the answers to this latest mystery…and yet, he didn’t know why. It was the same instinct that made him climb the stairs to the unused upper section, where she sat, coolly smoking in defiance of the dangers of the oxygen tank. And it was that same instinct that compelled him to drive back to the care home that night after Simone received the mystery text from a potential murderer, even as the storm raged overhead and the flood waters rose. Common sense dictated they should turn back and wait for the police. As he and Simone looked at one another and contemplated the rushing water, and then Simone received the second warning text, he knew he couldn’t turn back, despite the risks. He needed to be there – at the care home tonight. And he knew, in some obscure way, that Beattie needed him too. He feared for her…for a reason that he couldn’t ascertain.He gritted his teeth as the vehicle slipped and slithered its way through the water flowing across the unmade road before regaining the relative safety of the care home driveway. Simone was silent throughout but let out a sigh of relief as they drew to a halt. “Well, there’s no going back now. And do you reckon Steve will get through that? It’s probably even worse by now.”He grimaced and swore under his breath as he looked through the windscreen. There were no police vehicles in the driveway – clearly theirs was the first, and possibly only, car that was going to arrive this evening. Which meant that the two of them would almost certainly be stuck in a building overnight during a life-threatening storm with several vulnerable older people, the nursing staff, and someone who had murdered once and had threatened to do so again.He glanced at Simone, guiltily. “I’m sorry – I shouldn’t have brought you here.”The young ecologist grinned up at him, unfazed. “Don’t be silly. Beats curry night anyway.”“Yeah, well, be careful. We don’t know what we’re getting into.” He got out of the car, hunching into his jacket as the full force of the rain hit him.They were parked in front of the main building, but her eyes were on the smaller lodge, further down the hill. “I think the first challenge is going to be clearing that building. What do you reckon?”He followed her gaze, doubtfully. The lodge was on much lower ground, and already dangerously close to the overflow of water from the river. It seemed hardly possible that the water could reach that level… on the other hand, if there was a flood surge further up the river…“What on earth are you doing here again?” Mary Thorpe emerged from the main building, looking flustered and distracted. She waved a hand impatiently. “Never mind – you might as well help us while you’re here. We’ve got staff unable to get in, we’re already understaffed without all…this.” “Don’t you think we should move the residents from the lodge? That flood water…”She nodded impatiently. “If you can manage it. There’s eight of them there at the moment. I’ll send some staff down.” She turned back to the main building. “We’ll have to find space somehow…”Jack rolled his eyes at Simone as they headed towards the lodge. He could sympathize to some degree with Mary Thorpe, who seemed overwhelmed by her responsibilities, but she clearly wasn’t competent enough to be managing a nursing home of this size. He certainly wouldn’t be considering it as a location for Conor.Talking of which… he pulled out his mobile, allowing Simone to go ahead of him as he dialed his father’s number. It took a while for Conor to reply; when he did, he sounded out of breath and irritable.“I’m fine, Jack – don’t fuss! I’m going to have a bath in a bit and get an early night… Yes, everything’s fine here. I was worried about that drain outside, but the water seems to be soaking into the grass. Yes, I’ll be careful – get on with you! You look after yourself and stop worrying about me all the time.” He wished his father a good night and disconnected. After a moment’s hesitation, he pressed the familiar button on his quick dial.Nikki’s phone rang plaintively for a while before going to voicemail. Frowning, he disconnected and then tried again, before giving up and heading towards the lodge.It was almost inevitable that he would help Beattie. The nursing assistants had left her to her own devices anyway, almost as if they expected her to be able to shift for herself. In fact, and for the first time, she showed her vulnerability – he could see her fear, her physical weakness. It only made him care about her more. He felt flayed by his emotions. Internally he was every bit as vulnerable as Beattie as he escorted her towards the main building. He felt an odd fear for Nikki as well as for Beattie, and he couldn’t say why. There was no reason to be concerned. As far as he knew, she wouldn’t be heading for a potentially hazardous scene of crime or anything like that. She was officially off duty tonight, and he remembered the conversation with Harry about some student party. Even so, his fears gnawed at him, and he fought to put them to one side and focus on getting the residents to safety.Having to euthanize a suffering dog with morphine was only the start of a bizarre and frightening night. He’d never carried out such an act and his whole soul revolted against it; if Nikki had been there, she’d have probably taken on the task herself, with her usual calmness and compassion. As the trembling warm body stiffened and then went limp in death, he was almost overwhelmed by nausea. But Beattie needed him. First to carry her up the stairs and see her comfortably positioned, then to venture out into the storm again to find the medication and batteries they desperately needed. So, he had to keep going – for her sake. Diving into freezing water to try to locate the items. Gasping and vomiting in the stagnant river water as he stumbled back to the main house. Shivering with cold and bending over Beattie, working to ease her suffering with the manual oxygen pump. Trying to comfort Derek in his confusion and terrible pain, while all the time feeling numb with desperation.He needed Nikki more than he ever had before. He needed to hear her, touch her, feel her presence, to know she was thinking of him, worrying about him, just as he worried about her. It was more than mere love; the emotion was visceral, base - his body, his mind craved her… At times during that night, he felt as if he would die if he couldn’t hear her voice. Late one night, long after the event and over one too many glasses of wine, she’d opened up to him about those hours buried in the box in Mexico. Told him quietly about the recordings she’d made on the mobile phone – her ‘note’ to Thomas, Clarissa, and himself just in case she was dead by the time he found her. The mobile had never been retrieved, and she didn’t tell him all that she’d said in her message – possibly she didn’t or couldn’t remember – but she had confessed that, at the worst moments, it’d only been the sound of his voice that had kept her sane. Beyond being gratified to know that he’d been of some use during those terrible hours, he had thought that he understood the importance of a familiar voice, of knowing that someone cared during your worst moments. However, he hadn’t realized until tonight just how important the sound of a certain voice could be.His face stayed calm, his voice steady, but his heart was beating frighteningly fast. Everything kept going wrong, no matter what he tried to do – Derek kept slipping out of the room, the nurse Amrita was in a state of hysteria. He couldn’t tell whether it was sheer bad luck or whether his emotions were stopping him making the logical choices that would keep the residents safe from both the storm and the murderer among them. He sensed that his desperate longing for Nikki was at least partially because he needed her steadying influence. Simone was an encouraging presence, but she wasn’t who he absolutely needed right now. Nikki would know how to help Derek, how to calm Amrita – she might even be able to work out who Robbo’s murderer could be and how to keep Beattie safe. He pressed the speed dial on his phone, over and over. The dialing tone and the repeated voice message taunted him cruelly. She wasn’t picking up. She always picked up – OK, almost always, but on the rare occasions that she didn’t, he always knew where she would be. Tonight, he didn’t know, and it terrified him. Whether she was at a party or not, Nikki would have answered. She knew when he needed her. She always knew… If she didn’t, it meant that something was very wrong…and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. Against all common sense, he ventured out into the storm once more, searching for the missing nurse Amrita. The rain and winds battered at him as he staggered through the darkness…almost as strongly as the storm raging inside him.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
In the pre-dawn lightening of the sky, he sees the hot steam rising in puffs before his eyes. His breath is coming more harshly now, and there’s just a hint of disturbance in his chest as he inhales - a sharpness, a slight pain, that he prays is no more than the shock of breathing in icy air. He tries to even out his breathing, to reduce the strain on his lungs – an energy-preserving technique from his boxing days.
The one positive is that now he can at least see where he’s going… a major negative is that he hardly possesses the remaining strength to get there. He grits his teeth, forcing his leaden limbs onwards. His boots slip uselessly on the sodden grass and his knees give way… the shock and the sudden pain of the fall shocks him fully awake again, and he staggers to his feet once more…
Stupid, stupid, stupid! In the first place, it had been idiotic to tear out into that storm after Amrita. It had been madder to stay out once he’d seen her caravan taken by the flood. Stumbling about in the pitch dark (naturally his torch battery failed within the first twenty minutes), in an unfamiliar area, with no notion of how high the flood water would go… frankly, it was a miracle he hadn’t suffered the same fate. Having set off in the direction that the caravan had drifted, with some vague notion that he might be able to rescue her if it foundered somewhere downstream, he’d very soon found that he was ankle deep in fast-flowing water. The roar of the river was so deafening it wasn’t easy to tell which way led to safety. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, willing his heartbeat to slow down. His emotions kept getting the better of him. Nikki wasn’t here to help, and he had no way of getting to her either, so he needed to forget her and focus on the here and now. He still had his phone, even though there wasn’t any reception in his current location and the battery was getting a little low. He risked turning on the light for a few minutes and looked around him, noting the river’s location. The beam wasn’t powerful enough to show him where the care home was. He had a vague idea of the direction, but he must have travelled some distance already, and he couldn’t see any obvious route back. By careful means, he retreated from the flood water’s edge and made his way up a steep slippery slope towards some darkly silhouetted trees. It probably wasn’t sensible to try to navigate his way back; in any case, he would have to pass close to the river again, and he wasn’t sure how safe that would be. The rain hadn’t let up for hours and he was pretty sure the water was higher than it had been even half an hour ago. He wouldn’t be any help to Amrita if he ended up following her downriver in that fierce surge. There was still a hope – a faint one, admittedly – that the caravan would founder, and he might be able to get to her as soon as it was light. He pushed his knuckles into the rough bark of a tree trunk, trying to decide what to do. The touch reminded him of Nikki’s body pressed against him in the park. It was the probably the closest they had ever been, physically, and he could still remember the warmth of her body… he pushed the image away, ruthlessly. It couldn’t help him right now. He rested his forehead against the truck for a moment, closing his eyes and willing the frantic thud of his heartbeat to subside. Breathing deeply through his nose, he began to calm down, to switch into survival mode.The storm had passed over, so he had no fear of being struck by lightning, but the rain continued to pour down on his head. He pushed further into the copse, seeking better shelter. Unfortunately, the oak trees weren’t tightly packed, but he managed to find a spot where two leaned together, with a thick, sturdy-looking branch bridging the gap. He crouched under this to give his head a break from the incessant rain. He felt like a complete fool. He wasn’t a survival freak by any means, but he understood the basic principles – it helped to be sensible in potentially hazardous working situations and anyway, in his line of work, he’d too often seen the consequences of acting without thinking. He’d broken all the rules, was under-equipped and with no clear plan. He should have organized a proper search party instead; he should have called the emergency services, got the rescue helicopter sent in. If Amrita was in that caravan, then he had probably ruined whatever small chance of survival she had. And he’d left Simone and Beattie potentially in the vicinity of a murderer – they were his responsibility and he’d let them down.He crouched on his haunches, trying to figure out what to do. In the end, as he could see no better shelter or any point in trying to find it, he sat down on the roots of the oak tree, angling himself underneath the branch as much as possible. He pulled piles of fallen leaves around his body – they were wet through, but then so was he, and they might at least protect him a little from the wind. He hunched his body over his knees, trying to create a core of warmth, but of course it was hopeless.He feared going off to sleep in case he grew too cold. When he felt his head starting to droop, he got up and paced up and down, trying to get some feeling back into his hands and feet. Blessedly, the rain had finally stopped, but it was still pitch dark and viciously cold. He continued to pace as the night passed, only sitting when he was too tired to carry on. He may have actually dropped off to sleep a couple of times, but every time he was aware of the dangers, he would scramble to his feet once more. He felt nauseous with cold and fatigue. He coughed and retched into the undergrowth without bringing much up apart from fluid; he hadn’t eaten and had had little to drink during the evening, so that was hardly surprising.He tried to keep his numbed brain awake, thinking over the evidence from the current case, but his thoughts became increasingly jumbled. He turned his mind to previous cases, reminding himself of the successes he had had – of the occasions where he’d been able to lead his colleagues towards a solution. Jack took pride in his work, and particularly relished the occasions where a sudden leap in logic led him towards a new forensic technique. He didn’t consider himself a scholar, but he was still very much the scientist, taking comfort in order and method. At some time or another, each of his colleagues had suggested that he might like to publish a paper – Thomas in particular had been very keen for the publicity – but he had never considered himself to have the attributes of an academic. Nikki was a different matter – she had the skills, the intelligence, the erudition, the natural ability to teach and inspire. With a start, he realized that she could have gone down a very different career path - potentially a far less dangerous one - but he couldn’t be more grateful that she hadn’t.He smiled as he paced and rubbed his hands; his thoughts turning to specific moments with each of them: Leo, Thomas, Clarissa, Nikki, Adam, Simone - even Harry now. Leo and Thomas…he missed them both with an ache that never entirely left him. Clarissa was still, and always would be, his dearest friend. He remembered Adam with an awkward mixture of appreciation and guilt. Simone was enthusiastic and fun to be with, and sufficiently different from Adam for him to appreciate her in a different way. Harry was…well, just Harry – clever, humorous, with a wide range of both intellectual and popular interests, definitely never dull. Despite the current tensions between the two of them, Jack couldn’t regret getting to know him. Nikki was…something else altogether. When his thoughts turned to her during those cold hours, he tried relentlessly to focus on the happy moments and push his current confusions to the back of his mind. It was important to stay positive… and he realized that it was easy to do so too. There were enough happy memories in his life, both professionally and personally, to keep him focused. From his colleagues, his mind passed to other people that he’d met over the years and who had put their imprint on his life. Lovely, vibrant Naomi Silva, who he could never regret loving for a while – she was still up in Manchester and happily engaged. Sarah Parks - her little daughter Lucy had survived her cancer treatment and had sent Jack a beautiful hand-made Christmas card a couple of years ago. Roly Henderson, who’d always been so grateful that Nikki and Jack had cleared him of his wife’s murder, and his daughter Emma who was growing into a remarkable young woman. Poor Kate Warren, who would have made a brilliant detective inspector if only her father had let her. Even Chrissy Reed… he would never know for certain whether she’d betrayed him, but they’d been happy once and he found he no longer resented her rise up the ranks. As their faces came fleetingly to his mind, one after another, he wondered why it was that he so often became emotionally involved with the people he met in his job – police officers, victims, suspects. Take Beattie. They’d met only that morning, but she already felt as real and as important to him as Simone. He was scared for Derek too – how long before someone took pity on him and used the morphine? Maybe it was foolish to care so much. He knew that he tended to step over professional boundaries and get too involved – but then, they all did, didn’t they? Clarissa going under-cover at the respite care home, Leo in Afghanistan, Nikki in Mexico, Thomas not being prepared to wait for Porton Down to finish their testing of the tabun sample, knowing that Jack wouldn’t survive that long. They’d all cared too much for each other and for the people they encountered, and they’d all paid the price… And yet, even in his current situation – fatigued and freezing cold - he couldn’t regret it.And he could never regret loving Nikki, whatever happened now or in the future. His mind cast uneasily over that moment between Nikki and Harry in the changing room, standing close together and looking as if they would kiss. He couldn’t understand what was happening - what had been happening for a few weeks now, he realised - and it made him nervous. If he thought Nikki was seriously interested in Harry, it would almost be less confusing. Nikki and Harry…to any outsider, they seemed perfect together. They had looked like a couple in those old photos that he’d found, and when Harry had moved in with her during the lockdown, they’d seemed just as happily domestic. They matched – both almost ridiculously attractive, intelligent, charismatic. Both leaders in the field of forensic pathology but now moving in different paths, so they weren’t even professional rivals anymore. They should have been married for years by now, and busy with the job of bringing up young Alexander-Cunninghams to make their own mark on the world.But Jack knew the picture was fundamentally wrong… because he knew, deep in his bones, that Nikki did not love Harry. She might still be just a little attracted to him, and maybe he reminded her of happier times when she was a young pathologist with the world ahead of her, a handsome colleague to flirt with, and a surrogate father in Leo. That wasn’t love, though – it couldn’t be. Not while she was in love with someone else…Deep beneath his current insecurities, Jack knew it was true. Clarissa saw it too – and she was no fool. Thomas had at least suspected it. Nikki had been playing around with her own feelings for too long now. She’d more-or-less admitted to Jack once that there might have been something between them…but first Mexico and then Matt got in the way – and, OK, maybe she’d been in love with Matt for a while, but she certainly wasn’t now. He might have thought that their chance had passed due to the awkward timing, but since his tabun poisoning and perhaps even before it, there had been something between them…some spark, some awareness. Nikki might try to deny her feelings, but she couldn’t disguise them completely – not from him.He had continued to pace throughout the dark hours, rubbing his hands and stamping the feeling back into his feet, trying to focus on happy memories to keep his spirit up. By the time a slight glimmer of light appeared in the east, he was exhausted, sick, and colder than he ever remembered being in his entire life. As the features of the landscape began to emerge, he was able to orientate himself. He slithered down the steep knoll towards the river and began to tramp downstream, hoping to catch sight of the caravan. After ten minutes or so, he realized the futility of this and turned back towards the care home. An early morning sun emerged, burning the mist off the river – it was clearly going to be a calm day after the storm – and he could see that the flood surge was already beginning to retreat. Even so, he found himself struggling through sodden grass, the water covering his boots. His feet, still wet from the previous night, rubbed painfully as he limped along.The journey back was further than he remembered. For a brief period, he began to panic, thinking he’d forgotten which side the river had been on when he set off. Then he remembered that he’d been walking for around forty or forty-five minutes from the care home before giving up – at least half an hour after he’d seen the caravan go. In his pain and exhaustion, it was hardly surprising that it took him a good hour to make the return journey. The heaviness in his chest was beginning to bother him, and his legs felt leaden. Once or twice, he fell to his knees; each time, it was more of a struggle to regain his feet. As the care home driveway came into view, he blinked in surprise to see a couple of high-sided heavy vehicles parked near his car. There was some activity going on down near the submerged road – presumably attempts to make it drivable – although he could see that the floodwater was already subsiding quite quickly. He stumbled into the entrance, past various police officers and bustling nursing staff – if they were confused by his appearance, they were also too busy to try to stop him – and tackled the stairs, seeking anxiously for Simone and Beattie… and Nikki. Because, surely, she was there too. She must be…As he stumbled into the sitting room, for just a moment she was the only person who he could see clearly, her red jacket vibrant, her blonde hair gleaming in the morning sun… and then other figures began to appear. He blinked again, staring at her wonderingly. When she turned towards him, he realized from the look of horror on her face how bad he must look.“Jack!” She rushed over. “Oh my God, get this off…!”He submitted weakly, as Nikki and Simone pulled his sodden coat off and swathed him in blankets. In fact, his wet clothes were the least of his worries now – they’d dried on him to some degree during the night – but he was almost drunk with fatigue and could hardly move his mouth to get out the necessary words: “Caravan… washed away.”“Was Amrita inside?”He made another effort. “Dunno… there was a light.”“Let’s hope not.”The voices faded from his hearing; his vision swam as cold sweat prickled the back of his neck. Nikki’s fingers, slipping onto the bare skin of his shoulder as she adjusted the blanket, felt feverishly hot. They rubbed his jaw in mute comfort; the touch grounded him a little and the dizziness faded. Her fingers tensed suddenly, and she rose to her feet.“Morning, Jack.” As Nikki moved away, he was distracted by Beattie, learning forward, concern in her eyes. He could only look at her, still feeling too queasy to reply, and her mouth crooked in wry sympathy. “You look how I feel.”“Steve, Simone…” There was something dark in Nikki’s tone that turned his stomach to ice. “This man’s dead.”“What?” He looked over at her in disbelief as she crouched by Derek. “No!... How?”“There’s some bruising on his face… and a puncture mark on his hand… Could he have done it to himself?”The grief hit him like a physical blow. He crumpled in on himself, under the pain of it. “No.” He gestured weakly, trying to form the words. “Arthritis. Left-handed…”Poor old Derek. Another victim of his stupidity. If only he’d been here… The voices around him faded once more, and he felt a roaring in his ears as another wave of nausea swept over him. He retched, bringing up nothing but bile; what little fluid had been in his body had already been expelled overnight.“Jack…” Instantly, she was there again, lifting his head, wiping his face with a towel. He was aware of some talk going on behind him, but he could no longer focus. All he could see was Nikki, her brown eyes warm, tender - an expression of… of something that he had never seen before. He opened his mouth obediently to eat the sugary porridge, unable to look away from her. He was vaguely aware of Simone, of Beattie, but they had faded into the background.He felt he knew Nikki’s face almost as well as his own. He’d seen it change and age subtly over the years – so subtly in fact that he’d hardly noticed, but quite suddenly he saw her in a different light. He saw the pressures of a life lived on the edge for so long – the long shifts, the stressful crime scenes, the suffering, loss, and pain – both physical and emotional… He saw, more fully than ever before, the ‘young head on old shoulders’ that sharp-eyed Clarissa had noted not long after their meeting – the girl forced to grow up far too early, the woman who had slipped in and out of relationships without ever being able to settle down. He remembered Harry’s question – why are we all so bad at relationships? – and, looking at Nikki now, despite his fatigue and nausea, he felt he finally saw her plain for perhaps the first time in their long association. He saw the sadness, the sheer loneliness, hidden beneath the beautiful, confident face she presented to the world at large. And he saw that it wasn’t that she hadn’t wanted to settle down, get married, have kids – it was simply that life had passed her by; that she’d been cursed by the age-old cliches of wrong man, wrong time, wrong place for her entire adult life… and she was stuck. In limbo. She, quite simply, didn’t know how to move on in her life anymore.He didn’t fully understand why he saw her differently – or why here and now. Maybe it was because there was something vulnerable, something honest and unhidden in her brown eyes as they gazed into his. It took him a moment to recognize it as fear - fear for him… for Nikki had surely known that he might have been in danger last night. He saw the weariness in those beloved features – and he knew that she too had been up all night, thinking of him, worrying about him, unable to rest without seeing him… loving him, while scarcely even realizing that she did.His face must have conveyed something of this fresh understanding to her for, all at once, her eyes widened as they met his. There was shock in her eyes – a mixture of confusion and love and fear, even, perhaps, desire… but also reluctance. Only a few seconds could have passed before her gaze turned professional, even impersonal, once more. “I think we should get you to hospital.”The idea shocked him out of his stupor; he shook his head. “I’m fine… Hot bath and I’ll be fine. I need to go home.”She nodded, fumbling for her phone. “I’ll call a taxi.”The sight reminded him. “I…called you…”“Yes.” Her eyes shot towards him almost guiltily. “Sorry I missed your call. I tried calling you back. I was out.”“Five times.” He almost whispered the words. He didn’t really know why he’d uttered them; he certainly hadn’t meant to make her guilty. It was more to himself, with a sense of wonderment at the memory… Since the aftermath of Mexico, they had never ignored each other’s calls for so long – it was an unspoken pact that they’d always be there for one another. Even Matt hadn’t changed that… Again, there was the glance, the eyes darting towards his without quite meeting them this time.Nikki finished her call to the taxi company and stood up. “They might not be able to get through the flood just yet – it was pretty bad when we arrived… They were draining it, I think - I’ll go and see. We’ll need to get Derek’s body removed too… Where did Steve go?”She left the room quickly. Jack blinked in confusion, unable to work out why her manner had changed so abruptly. He shook his head, trying to clear the wooziness; his eye caught sight of Derek’s body, now decently covered with a sheet. He wanted to ask Beattie about that – surely she’d have seen something, unless she’d fallen asleep in her chair? – but when he looked in her direction, she was no longer there. Fresh nursing assistants had been transported in by the fire service, to take over from the night shift, and they must have taken her to the bathroom or something. “Hey, how’re you doing now?” It was Simone, laden with a jug of water and a glass. She pulled a low table over and perched in front of him.“Better.” He took the glass, gulped the water down and then refilled it. Beginning to feel more hungry than sick, he picked up the bowl of porridge again. “What happened to you last night? I take it you didn’t see anything…?” He nodded towards Derek.She shrugged and sighed. She was looking weary and rumpled, but still oddly energized in the manner of the average twenty-something – she might just as well have spent the night in a bar as in a care home. “Well - once it became obvious that Amrita wasn’t anywhere inside, I just assumed she’d gone back to her caravan. To be honest, I had no idea that it’d be washed away – I might have been more concerned otherwise. I wouldn’t have been able to locate her anyway, so there didn’t seem much point in getting wet over it…unlike some people.” She gave Jack a meaningful look. He winced. “You don’t need to tell me how stupid I was.”“Yeah, well, you worried me! I had no idea where you were. I thought maybe you were sheltering with her somewhere or something – maybe you were at the caravan, and it was too dangerous to leave. Or that’s what I hoped, anyway. I couldn’t leave Beattie alone for long – I had to go back and help her with the pump again. Eventually, one of the care assistants came in and took over. I did have a walk around the home after that, but you didn’t seem to be anywhere… and I was knackered. In the end, I found a sofa in a quiet spot, grabbed a blanket, and settled down for a bit. Didn’t sleep very well, though, and I got up early to help the staff with breakfast… and then, first Nikki and then you walked in…” She glanced at Derek and shook her head. “So, no, I didn’t see a thing. Sorry…”“It’s OK.” He finished the porridge and laid the bowl to one side, with a sigh. His clothes had dried on him, and the sugar was already beginning to work on his energy levels, but he still felt leaden. Nikki returned, holding a folded foil blanket. “It’s OK, the flood has almost disappeared. Something to do with opening the sluices upstream. There’s a cab on the way.”“Yeah – real shame they didn’t open those gates last night,” Simone muttered as she put Jack’s bowl on a tray.Nikki glanced at her. “You OK? You were here all night too.”The younger woman waved her concern away. “I can cope with the odd all-nighter. I might stay here a bit longer, try to give them a hand, if that’s OK with you?” She glanced around. “They’re in a right mess at the moment. They’ve got to relocate the residents of the lodge for a start – that building’s not going to be habitable for a while.”Nikki nodded absently, her eyes on Jack. “Let’s get you home.”“I’m fine, I don’t need it,” he protested as she put the foil blanket around his shoulders.“Don’t argue.” Her voice was low and confiding as she led him down the stairs. “It was the only way I could convince that paramedic that he didn’t need to cart you off to hospital. They called the ambulance for Beattie -.”His feet stuttered, and she grabbed his arm to steady him. “She’s OK?”“Yes, she seems to have stabilized – and she refused to go. I think he’s hoping to take someone with him. Anyway, he gave me the blanket, so keep it on until you get in the cab. Seriously, Jack, they’re quite worried about you…”In truth, he was still feeling shivery and weaker than he liked to admit. Perhaps she sensed that, because once he’d got into the cab, she climbed over his feet and sat next to him, fussing over the blankets. His heart lifted for a moment, thinking she might be coming home with him…but then he remembered that she had a body to get to the Lyell. Her hands stilled and she looked at him, meeting his gaze once more, studying his face… With a sudden sharp intake of breath, she leaned over and hugged him tightly. His shaking hands came up to hold her waist lightly, as she buried her face in his neck. A warm shuddering breath grazed his skin, her hands trembled then clutched his shoulders tightly before she pulled back, not very far, to rest her forehead against his.The morning sun shone through the window, casting a fiery ray that turned her hair to gold and added a dusky sheen to her features, making her seem to glow from within. Their faces were so close that he could make out the little line of freckles on her nose, the faint lines under her eyes. Her hand had slipped from his shoulder down to his chest; he wondered whether she could feel how fast his heart was beating.She leaned forward again, her lips seeking his cheek… His mind went back to that other occasion in her house, when her mouth had hovered so close to his and he had imagined kissing her… And then, quite suddenly, her lips met his.Afterwards, he tried to remember – had he turned his head, or had she? He would never be certain – all he would ever be able to recall, for the rest of his days, was the feel of her lips on his. Dry, chapped from the storm, moving gently, a little uncertainly. Her head jerked, moved slightly, and suddenly the angle was perfect... His eyelids fluttered closed…but already, their mouths were parting, and he opened his eyes again to stare at her in equal bewilderment. Before he could react, she was stepping from the car, her hand sliding gently across his chest, the tips of her fingers lingering reluctantly before letting go.He turned his head to look at her as the taxi door was slammed shut. Her face was impassive, but her eyes held his as the taxi moved away slowly, and he could sense the confusion in them. He let out a shuddering breath as she disappeared from view. He was shaking slightly, but no longer from cold. Another shaft of sunlight entered the taxi, dazzling him; when he lifted his hand to his eyes, it came away wet, although he had no awareness of shedding tears. He swallowed and leaned back, the sensation of her lips still tingling on his.On the many – many! – occasions he’d dreamt of their first kiss, he never envisaged this. He’d imagined candle-lit dinners, slow dances, romantic walks at the park, hand-in-hand. He’d even entertained heated fantasies about an argument being interrupted by him pressing her against a locker or a desk in the Lyell…or even, quite simply, a single moment on his sofa one evening, when the stars would finally align right, and she would look at him and finally see what was meant to be. But not this – not a brief, awkwardly-choreographed kiss in the back of a cab, shattered from a lack of sleep and grubby in rain-drenched hair and half-dried clothes…And yet… it felt right.He felt his lips curving into a foolish grin that he couldn’t control. His pulse was still thudding fast as he gazed out at the storm-damaged scenery, unable to see it clearly. She had been thinking of him - all the time he was out there in the storm, pacing up and down, trying to survive by thinking of her. She’d probably been with Steve at the emergency centre all night, trying to reach him, but unable to make it through the flood. He could see it in the lines of weariness in her face, in the fear and love and tenderness in her eyes… He relived that expression over and over and his smile grew. Nikki Alexander loved him – Jack Hodgson!He didn’t dare consider phrases such as ‘in love’, not yet, but she had cared, even though she’d missed his calls. She must have been somewhere with no reception; she would have called back otherwise. And anyway, she’d left a message – hadn’t she?He fumbled in his jeans for his phone, dialing the answerphone with impatient fingers. Sure enough, there was a message, and it was from his Nikki, his – well, whatever she was now; he’d have to think about that. They needed to talk about Matt, of course, and then –The tone sounded and then he heard her voice: “Hi Jack, it’s me… I was just wondering if you’re OK – where you are.”He couldn’t help smiling at her voice. No message had ever sounded so beautiful. “Your Dad’s just phoned; he’s worried about you… I’m worried about you…”Her voice paused at this point. She sounded almost surprised, as if she had only just realized how much he meant to her. When her voice came again, it sounded fainter, and there was a noise in the background – a door opening maybe? “I hope you’re alright. Can you call as soon as you get this -?”Her voice broke off abruptly, interrupted by a male voice, faint but distinctively crisp.“Are you coming back to bed?”Her reply was indistinct before the call cut off.Jack stared at his screen. He felt as if he’d had a bucket of icy water tipped over him without warning.He knew that voice. He’d heard it enough times over the past two years. Smooth, well-enunciated vowels. Brisk, incisive. Confident, even slightly arrogant.Harry Cunningham.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
He should have stayed at home. He should’ve taken a bath in the hottest water he could stand, before falling into bed for much-needed rest.He didn’t.Sobbing and shaking like a leaf, while being held and comforted by his father as if he were six years old again with skinned knees… that should have been cathartic, but it wasn’t.As he methodically mopped and scrubbed the bathroom, cleaner than it had ever been; as he fussed over Conor, doing the automatic checks for concussion; as he got his father to sit down while making him tea and toast… all the time, his heart grew colder. His mind grew clearer, more honed on one single thing…Nikki. With Harry.A bath would have done no good; it couldn’t have warmed him now anyway. He wouldn’t have been able to sleep either; his mind was racing far too hard, reaching the obvious conclusions. It would have been hypocritical of him to mind that Nikki had been sleeping with someone else. It wasn’t as if they were in a relationship. And, after all, he’d spent the previous night with a stranger himself. And therein lay the rub. He dredged up a memory of Harry talking about his wife’s cheating – “I think I’d have minded less if she’d hooked up with a complete stranger”. And now he understood what Harry had meant.Because Jack could compete with a stranger, but he couldn’t compete with Harry Cunningham.Harry had never really gone away, had he? All those years, even though Nikki had never spoken of him, he’d always been there – in the Lyell, at court, at every crime scene. Everything she’d done had been infused with the memory of Harry – how he would have reacted, what he would have done. To some degree she’d modelled herself on him professionally – Leo might have been her mentor and beloved father-figure, Thomas a good friend as well as her boss, but Harry had been her inspiration. And from the moment he’d walked back into Nikki’s life, their fate was sealed. Jack could see the future all-too clearly – Harry would divorce his wife and Nikki would be waiting for him… Happy ever after – finally, after so many years, so many false starts…And yet… And yet, it wasn’t true, was it? He’d seen her expression earlier, in the taxi. She wasn’t that good an actor. Nikki loved him – Jack, of all people. That ought to make him happy, but it didn’t – because he couldn’t understand why she had done what she’d – presumably – done just a few hours earlier.He could understand that she might have been feeling lonely. Sometimes, especially with the stress of their jobs, it just helped to unwind by connecting with someone – and if you were single, that someone might be an attractive stranger, encountered at a party or pub. But that was just sex, it wasn’t playing games with the feelings of people you cared about. So, what was the answer? Was it possible that she loved them both? Or – or was it some kind of revenge on Harry, for the way he’d constantly passed her over for all those pretty young women? It didn’t sound likely – that wasn’t Nikki. She could be cruel in the heat of the moment during an argument, but she wasn’t petty enough to plan to hurt someone. And anyway, they’d put all that behind them years ago. What else, then – was she trying to make Jack jealous? He dismissed this out of hand as ridiculous and immature, almost as soon as he’d considered it. Nikki would never knowingly seek to hurt him. He could only assume that she had been feeling lonely, maybe had drunk a little too much…and Harry had – quite simply – just been there.He remembered her face when she’d been caring for him at the care home, and his sudden realization that Nikki was fundamentally lonely… sad, grown old before her time. That she’d watched her chances at love and a family pass her by; that she’d let Harry go, that her various romances since then hadn’t worked out…and that she was currently in a relationship with a very decent man that she simply no longer loved. In those terms, he could understand – and would he behave any differently?But, dear God, what a mistake to make! How the hell were the three of them supposed to get through this?He tried to work out his own feelings objectively. Naturally, he was jealous – he was currently feeling possessive, hurt, bruised, and more than a little furious with her, for reasons that he had to acknowledge were unfair. If Nikki had cheated on anyone, it was Matt.But what really hurt was that he’d – foolishly as it turned out – assumed that she’d been thinking of him last night. That she’d been worried - had spent hours trying to get to him…fundamentally, that she’d loved him as much as he loved her. And instead, she’d been drinking at a party and falling into Harry’s bed…He showered and changed, almost on autopilot, before calling a taxi – he’d left his car at the care home. He supposed Nikki would have driven it back to the Lyell by now, since she’d arrived with the police. Conor rather plaintively tried to convince him to stay at home and try to get some sleep, but he refused – quite apart from his hurt over Nikki and Harry, he was deeply troubled by Derek’s murder and wanted to be there for the post-mortem. He knew instinctively that the answer lay with something he’d either seen or heard yesterday but couldn’t currently recall. He still felt frozen as he arrived. On the surface, it looked as if he’d just made a massive mistake by foolishly assuming that Nikki was in love with him. With one kiss, he might have ruined the single most important relationship in his life – because how could they go back to just being friends again?Naturally, Nikki didn’t have the look of someone who’d been up all night herself. She’d found time to change and freshen up, and was currently bustling around the kitchen, as calm and collected as ever. She gave him a startled look but didn’t seem particularly embarrassed. He had wondered whether she’d find it hard to meet his eyes after that kiss…but evidently not. His heart grew even colder.“Oh - I thought you were going to take today off! Can I get you anything?”He shook his head as he strode over to his desk. From the corner of his eye, he could see her following him across the office. Perhaps she was a little flustered after all. “I’m sorry about Derek.” She was standing in front of his desk, a little timidly. “I’m about to do the post-mortem on him, so -.”“Harry coming?” he interrupted loudly.She stared at him in confusion. “Harry? No. Why would he -?”“Were you with him last night?” He knew his questions sounded like an interrogation, but frankly he didn’t much care.There was the slightest of pauses. “Um…yes, I was with him – and the students. He invited me to their Halloween party.” She smiled, ducking her head awkwardly. He noticed that she hadn’t yet met his eyes properly. “I drank too much -.”He cut her off, deliberately making his voice brutal. “I don’t really care… Oh, wait a minute – I do care if you screw up someone else’s marriage. Didn’t think you were like that, to be honest… but then what do I know?”“Jack!”He turned back, looked directly into her eyes. “I heard him… On the message that you left.” Her face dropped; she flushed as the realization hit her. He shook his head, not hiding his disgust. “Harry.” The single word held all the derision he could convey. She took a deep breath, blinking rapidly. He could tell that she was holding back tears, but he didn’t care – in fact, he took a childish pleasure in her discomfort. Her hands curled and uncurled in front of her. Perhaps she would have said something, fumbled out some excuse, but they were interrupted by Simone.“Sorry I’m late.” She glanced between Nikki and Jack, seeming to take in the tension. “You alright? Recovered?”“Yeah… never been so cold.” He didn’t take his eyes off Nikki, as she turned away, walking with quick, agitated steps towards the locker room. “Didn’t even know what I was doing half the time,” he added. He watched as she paused, her back stiffening, before continuing out of the office.He stared at his hands, vaguely aware of Simone asking him about the morphine he’d put back in the box and answering her automatically, without giving it much thought. And then he jumped up and strode after Nikki. Screw her! That kiss had meant something, and she did not get to walk away and pretend nothing had happened and they could get back to normal. That was not happening!The locker door was closed; an unspoken signal that she didn’t want to be disturbed. He pulled it back anyway and walked in, letting it bang shut behind him.Nikki was unwrapping a fresh pair of scrubs. She didn’t jump at his sudden intrusion, but she turned her face away. “I don’t want to talk right now.” Her voice was cold, distant. If he’d been less angry, he might have recognized the hurt…as it was, all her dismissive tone did was annoy him even more.“Well, I bloody well do!” He leaned against the wall and observed her, his arms folded. It wasn’t the first time he’d been in the locker room while she was getting changed – quite often they’d be in the middle of discussing a case while she prepared to do a post-mortem, but he was usually polite enough to avert his eyes while she stripped to her underwear. Seeing that he wasn’t prepared to look away on this occasion, she flushed but defiantly unzipped her outfit and let it fall from her shoulders to the ground, her eyes on his the entire time. They continued to glare at one another as she pulled on the scrubs. “Enjoyed the show?” she spat, as she hung her clothes in the locker. In truth, he hadn’t taken in her body at all; he’d been too busy trying to read the emotions flitting across her face. Guilt, anger, shame, defiance, confusion. She looked away from him now, as if all-too aware that her face was giving away her feelings, and walked over to the mirror.“I don’t know what you want me to say.” Her voice was low as she scraped back the bright waves of her hair, twisting it into a tight ponytail with swift, almost brutal, efficiency. “You obviously heard enough to know what happened last night…”“Oh, I know.” He continued to stare at her, unwilling to back down. “I just don’t know why. I mean, I get it, Nikki, but why him? Of all people?”“Well, why not?” Her voice sounded calm, but she was applying lip balm with a visibly shaking hand. “Like I said, I’d had too much to drink, but I knew what I was doing. And it wasn’t as if he didn’t want to.”He stared at her in disbelief. “Oh, I just bet he did. He couldn’t have been more obvious about what he wanted when he was in here yesterday… So, I assume he’s finally ended it with his wife?”She glanced at him, her face flushing. “I… I don’t know. Does it matter?”“Does it matter – Jesus, Nikki! Of course it bloody matters, you know it does! You don’t get to mess with people’s feelings just for a quick…” He couldn’t bring himself to say it, to vocalize words for whatever Nikki had got up to with Harry underneath the covers last night. Unexpectedly, she slammed down her lip balm and strode over to him, slapping his chest with heavy hands, pushing him hard against the locker, her face close to his. There was fury in her eyes - hot anger mixed with shame and guilt and hurt. “It’s none of your business what I do in my own time!”“Oh yes it bloody is!” he shouted back, his hands coming up to grip her arms tightly. “Let me go - now!”“Not until you tell me why him!” He bent his face towards hers, feeling her breath hot on his face as her lips hovered close to his. She refused to back down, pressing him hard against the locker. Her hips seemed to slot into his, and he realized she must be standing on tiptoe to get closer to his face. “Why not him?” she whispered into his mouth, harsh and taunting, before her lips crashed into his. His restraint finally broke; he dropped her arms but only to grab her waist and pull her tighter into him. Their kiss was hot and hard and rough, an awkward collision of lips and tongue and teeth, mouthing, biting, both of them wanting to hurt as much as to love. There was nothing gentle or kind – it was taking without giving. Instinctively, he tried to pull away, but she wouldn’t let him, pushing him hard against the locker, biting his lower lip hard enough to sting before soothing it with a quick swipe of her tongue.She was gasping hard, her breath hot in his mouth, her body pressed so tightly against him that he could feel her chest heaving…too fast, too agitated. Finally realizing this, he stroked a hand lightly across her cheek, trying to calm them both without letting go of her. She gave a shaky long breath; her hands, which had been clutching the front of his shirt, ran down his chest with a burning sensuality before spanning his waist, slipping slightly under his shirt to touch bare skin.He twisted them around suddenly and pushed her up against the locker, palming her head to protect it as he plundered her mouth, giving way at last – at last! – to all the emotions, all the want of too many years. She pressed her fingertips hard into his back; he felt her nails scratching his skin. As he abandoned her mouth to pepper light kisses down her neck, she arched into him, groaning. “Jack!”He paused, his lips at her collarbone. That single syllable gave him an uncomfortable picture of her moaning another name only a few hours ago… but, as if she sensed his hesitation, her hand shifted, moving down to his hip, her pelvis grinding deliberately against him, and it was his turn to moan. The height difference was growing awkward for them both; he moved his hands down to her thighs, gripping them and lifting her off the ground so he could grind into her, let her feel how much she affected him. She moaned at the sensation, wrapping her legs around his waist and gripping his shoulders. His lips were still exploring that glorious long neck, and she dropped her head to one side, arching into his mouth, whispering her encouragement. “God… don’t stop…”“Is this what you want?” he murmured into her neck before sucking at her pulse point. Long-held fantasies burst across his vision as he closed his eyes for a moment, trying to control himself… He could feel the heat of her, it wouldn’t take much to push her scrubs down, to take her hard against the locker… The fact that anyone could walk in at any moment just made it more exciting. He wondered briefly - had she ever fantasized about this? He pushed into her pelvis, feeling her shudder – she could hardly avoid feeling how hard he was now. “Did you dream about this too? With me, or…”“Jack – please…”Blindly, he lifted his head, kissing her jaw, her cheek…it took him a moment to realise that he could taste salt on his tongue, and he had no real idea which of them was crying…He reared back suddenly, letting go of her legs and pushing them away gently. She slipped back to the ground shakily; he grabbed her shoulders, both to steady her and to get some distance between them, as she was still trying to push into him. She stirred and stared up at him, panting, her eyes dazed and wanting, her lips swollen. She had never looked more beautiful.His breath was coming fast; he felt dizzy. “Wanted… I wanted you to feel…” he gasped before breaking off and taking in a deep, calming breath though his nose. She hardly seemed to notice his words. Her eyes flickered from his eyes to his lips, and she moaned again, tilting her face towards his. She brought up a hand to touch his chest, but he resisted her again, running his hands down her arms to pin them in place. He wanted nothing more than to kiss her again; to take her right there, and screw it if anyone came in…“I wanted you to know how it feels…” His hands tightened on her arms. “…to have everything you ever wanted, just for one perfect moment… and then… to have it torn away from you. With one phone message.”He felt her body tense in sudden realization. She looked up at him sharply, and he had to turn his gaze away to avoid the searing hurt in her eyes.Suddenly, he felt exhausted. He let go of her arms and stood back, giving her space to move. She stood stock still for a moment, before giving an odd little half-sigh, half-sob and slumping to the floor as if her legs had given way. He looked down at her, sitting in an awkward, clumsy heap, her head bowed… and felt his remaining anger drain away. He could have walked away, and almost did, but then he found himself sinking to the floor next to her. She didn’t look at him, but he could see she was crying again, weeping almost silently, her hands shaking in her lap. His own hand itched to reach over and touch them in mute comfort, but he resisted, stretching his legs out and staring blindly at the opposite wall. “I didn’t know...”They’d been sitting for a few minutes in silence, so her quiet voice made him jump. “You didn’t know what?”“I didn’t know that – that it was you I… I mean, that I – that you…” her voice gave way again.“And you can’t even bring yourself to say it,” he muttered, bitterly.Her head shot up at that and she glared at him, her eyes bright with unshed tears. “Can you?”He leaned his head back against the locker, giving a hollow laugh. “Oh, Nikki. I have been in love with you for years. Almost from the moment I met you, probably.”There was a pause while she took this in. “But you never said anything.”“No – because how could I?” He gestured between them, wearily. “How could someone like you ever feel the same way about me? But if you’re trying to say that you didn’t know how I felt before this morning…? I mean, come on. I’ve hardly been subtle about it. Clarissa knows, Thomas saw it, probably even Harry, for all I know… Anyway… it’s all fucked up now, isn’t it?”She rubbed her eyes fiercely. “I don’t know how to explain… About Harry, what I did, it -.”He shook his head, standing up so quickly that his head spun, and he had to put a hand out to steady himself. “No, please don’t tell me that last night didn’t mean anything; don’t insult me with that lie. Because we both know it’s not true. If all you’d wanted was casual sex, I wouldn’t blame you - I’d hardly have the right to, would I? – but you’d have picked a stranger. I don’t pretend to understand what’s going on between you and him, but don’t bring me into it.”“God, I’ve been such an idiot.” She let her head fall back against the locker and stared up at the ceiling. “Why do I never think…?” She ran an agitated hand down her neck…he noticed a red mark blooming just above her collarbone. Part of him gained a renewed spark of excitement at the sight, as if he’d marked her in some way, and then he felt hot shame descending. “I’m – uh… I’m sorry for – for what I did, just then. It was wrong of me to kiss you, knowing that you’re – that you… What I mean is, Harry’s a friend too, and -.” He stopped abruptly, feeling sick and depressed and bone tired. His dad had been right, he should never have come in this morning. Even the gym would’ve been more sensible – at least he could have sparred all his pain and frustration away without hurting anyone else.She blinked up at him, a strange expression crossing her face. “What do you mean? Jack,” she went on urgently, scrambling to her feet. “Listen, something I need to explain –.”There was a sharp knock at the door, making them both jump. “Nikki, you in there?” It was Simone’s voice. They froze, staring at one another. Simone carried on without waiting for a reply. “Steve’s here, for the autopsy. I’ve sent him through to the observation lounge.”Nikki closed her eyes briefly, taking a deep breath. “Thanks. I’m just washing my hands.” She smoothed down her scrubs and walked over to the sink, calm and in control once more.Jack stormed out of Derek’s autopsy, hardly aware of Steve at his heels. He’d been unable to stay there any longer, watching Nikki in her element. It wasn’t just that she’d confirmed that Derek had died in the same manner as Robbo, meaning that the same murderer had certainly been there last night. It wasn’t just the uneasy feeling in his gut telling him that if he hadn’t impetuously run out after Amrita, he might have prevented Derek’s death. It was the cool, collected way that Nikki had worked, moving quietly around the body, utterly in charge, her face pale but calm. She must have used concealer to cover the love bite on her neck – at least, he couldn’t see it from the observation window, and his eyes had been drawn back there more than once. Normally he could focus on the autopsy itself, separating his emotions, using his brain to sift through the evidence as she presented it, ready to provide suggestions and hypotheses to the investigating officer. It was his job after all, and he’d always been able to admire Nikki’s poise but keep a focus on the case at the same time.Right now, he couldn’t have advised Steve on anything. As he looked down at Nikki, all he could think of was how warm, how responsive her body had felt against his. His mind was scattered, he felt exhausted, depressed…and it infuriated him that she could carry on so calmly, so apparently unaffected by what had just happened between them.He needed to be moving, to be doing something to take his mind off Nikki and Harry. The search was still on for Amrita, hopeless though it seemed. His instincts told him that the answer lay with her somehow. The girl had known something and, in her frightened, muddle-headed way, had tried to conceal it from him and Simone – but why? Was she trying to protect someone? What about the caravan? It was unfortunate that he hadn’t thought to search it before it was swept away. Where was Beattie now? Had she been taken to hospital? He needed to see her too…and not just to reassure himself about her wellbeing. She’d been there, near Derek, all night – she must have seen something…He walked towards the exit, determining to return to the scene and see what evidence he could still uncover, assuming the on-scene officers hadn’t already contaminated everything. It was unfortunate and deeply frustrating that he’d felt so weak this morning…Beattie now - she was a cool customer. She wouldn’t fall apart under pressure, not like poor Amrita. It’d take more to get the truth out of her… For a moment, his mind hovered frustratingly close to something vitally important… something that was staring him in the face… and then Harry Cunningham came through the door, almost walking into him.Jack bristled instantly. “What do you want?”Harry gave him a look that was both startled and – perhaps – a little guilty. “I’ve come to see Nikki.”As he made to pass Jack, the rage descended once again. Hardly aware of what he was doing, Jack grabbed Harry’s shoulders and slammed him hard against the wall. “Why didn’t you just leave her alone?” he spat directly in the other man’s face. He’d never manhandled Harry before, never even come close to wanting to, but suddenly the man’s very existence was a severe provocation. He was aware that Harry was probably stronger than his slim frame would suggest, but he would certainly be no match for Jack; the cold, logical part of his brain that was still operating recognized this, and he tried to lessen his grip.Harry himself was probably aware of this, which was why he didn’t attempt to struggle. His hands went up in a placating manner, the same complicated expression of guilt mixed with surprise. If he had guessed at Jack’s feelings before today, he was doing a good job of disguising it – although maybe he had never imagined that Jack would confront him so openly. “Come on, Jack. She’ll want to see me.” For all his conciliatory manner, his tone was confident, almost defiant; it seemed to say well, you didn’t want her anyway, so why shouldn’t I?“Why don’t you tell that to Matt?”Harry’s expression changed immediately to genuine surprise – even shock. “They split up, ages ago… Didn’t you know?”Jack froze. He knew things hadn’t been great, but he had no idea that Nikki and Matt had actually ended it. The shock made him let go of Harry and stand back, his arms hanging uselessly at his sides. He was half-aware of Steve hovering nervously nearby, clearly considering whether to intervene before the punching started.Harry made no attempt to move away. He looked at Jack thoughtfully, a range of emotions passing swiftly over his face as he absorbed the obvious fact: that Nikki had - for some reason – not told Jack. And that Jack had clearly presumed Nikki wasn’t free…A startled realization came over Harry’s features; he grimaced and instinctively put out a consoling hand – but Jack couldn’t take the sympathy, not on top of everything else. He turned away abruptly, pushing through the door.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It had never occurred to Jack – not even for one minute – that he himself might be suspected of killing Derek. That should have been enough of a clue, if nothing else was, that he was severely off his game. It had taken years for Jack to trust the police again, after Yorkshire – and even then, he had formed a habit of surreptitiously observing any newly assigned investigating officer before showing genuine friendliness, although he always tried to be professional and helpful right from the start. In his earlier days at the Lyell, he had been conscious that he had a poor reputation and had, on too many occasions, watched Leo, Nikki and even Thomas having to try to conciliate a detective whose feathers he had ruffled. Since Thomas’ death, he’d made more of an effort, recognizing that Nikki didn’t need the added stress.He’d let his guard down on this occasion, partly because the investigating officer in this case was DS Steve Galloway, a familiar figure at the Lyell, generally friendly and laid-back - and very sympathetic after Adam’s death… but mainly because of his confusion over Nikki. He needed to pull himself together very quickly – Steve’s suspicion was a nonsense, of course, and would be quickly shot down by a more experienced colleague, but Jack didn’t want the case taken away from him. He cared too much about the people involved. Or maybe that was the real reason why he’d been so slow over this? Maybe it wasn’t so much that his mind wasn’t working at full capacity as that his feelings were making him hang back. Because a part of him at least had surely known right away who Derek’s killer must have been…and he didn’t want to know. He needed proof for Steve, that was certain, and he found it easily enough once he discovered the hidden camera tape recordings that poor Amrita had taken from Robbo’s bedroom. Had she seen them – had she known? And had she wanted to protect Beattie just as much as he now did. Ironically, in the act of hiding them, she’d prevented them from being harmed by the floodwater. He had all the proof he needed for Steve… assuming he was prepared to pass it on.He would, of course – he knew it, even as he drove back to the care home, putting his foot down on the country roads. Beattie had killed twice; even if it was for the best of intentions, justice had to be seen to be done. Jack wouldn’t have used that morphine driver, however much Derek had begged… and yet. Was that merely an age thing – was it only because Jack, fit, healthy, relatively young, couldn’t yet understand what it was to feel old and powerless and in terrible pain?He needed to understand. He needed to see Beattie, to talk to her before the police took over. His phone rang and he glanced at it automatically. Nikki. He couldn’t deal with that situation right now, so he ignored it. Almost as soon as it stopped, it rang again – this time, his dad, and he winced, even as he answered. It was obvious that Nikki must be with him, but Jack never ignored his dad’s number.“Dad?”“Hi Jack. I’m with Nikki. She really wants to talk to you.”He said nothing, waited for the phone to be passed over. “Jack?”Her voice sounded very far away, greater than its actual distance from him at that moment. Her tone was tentative, and she paused for a second, evidently hoping for some acknowledgement from his side before going on.“Jack, do you know what happened before Derek died?” His hands clenched the wheel at that. From her careful words, he could tell that she knew – that Steve had already been on to her about removing him from the case. But Nikki would never believe it… would she? The Nikki who knew him – who loved him – would instinctively know in every bone in her body that he could never have killed Derek. There was uncertainty in her voice, but he suddenly realized that it wasn’t because of that. Nikki was uncertain of them – she wasn’t sure where she stood any more. She went on, quietly. “Please talk to me, Jack. Please let me help you. We get through everything together. You know I’ll always be there for you.”He heard the expectant pause and then the gentle sigh when she realized that she wasn’t going to get a reply. He could almost hear her withdrawing from him. She’d tried - she’d put out a hand to him, and he’d always – always! - clasped it back, but this time he hadn’t…and, suddenly, he couldn’t bear it.He didn’t know where they would go from here. He didn’t even know if they’d be able to go on working together. He’d finally admitted to being in love with her, but he didn’t really know for certain if she felt the same way, and he had no idea what this thing was with Harry. But none of it had anything to do with them – the them that had always had each other’s back, right from the moment they had met. Memories flashed before his eyes – Nikki saving him from being stabbed, him holding her back from the explosion that killed Leo in Afghanistan, her treating his many injuries over the years, him stepping in to protect her from violent criminals and hostile officers alike. And always touching one another for physical reassurance - hands, arms, shoulders – an endless reminder: whatever happens, I’ve got you, partner. That had nothing to do with what had happened today, it had nothing to do with declarations of love, with feelings or jealousy or anger… but everything to do with them. And she’d just reminded him of it.He took a deep breath. “Nikki?”There was a pause, during which he could hear his heart beating. “… Jack.”That was all. Just his name, but so much conveyed in the way she said it – relief and happiness and confusion and pure love, all mixed together. He shut his eyes briefly, giving a shuddering sigh. At the moment, he wanted nothing more than to turn around and drive straight home and put his arms around her and bury his face in her hair and never, ever let go... She gave an echoing sigh. “Can you come home now?”God, how he wanted to, but… “I know who killed Derek. And Robbo.”There was a brief silence at the other end. “I…think I know too… And you want to speak to her, don’t you? Before Steve gets to her.”He smiled at the understanding in her voice. It was only what she would have wanted to do, in his shoes. She knew instinctively, with hardly any observation of their interactions, that Beattie meant far more to Jack than just the latest in a list of murderers.“Jack…? I get it, but please… just be careful.”“She’d never hurt me.” The idea was laughable – and not just because of Beattie’s physical frailty.“I know that, but I meant… Be careful anyway. Jack, I…” She took a deep breath – he sensed she was moving, possibly away from his father. “I want you to know that I…” Her voice faded away.He heard the words she wasn’t saying. “I know. I understand.” He realized that it wasn’t that Nikki couldn’t say the words I love you; it was only that she wanted to say them to his face, and not over a telephone, with Conor listening in. He didn’t mind. He could wait. There was all the time in the world now.He was approaching the driveway. “I’ve got to go now. Don’t ring Steve – I’ll call him when we’re ready. I - I don’t know how long I’ll be…”“I’ll be here when you get home.”“It could be hours yet. I don’t want to leave her to cope on her own, and you know how long it takes, the arrest and wherever they take her. I could always ring you when -.”She cut across him, her voice stronger. “I’ll be here.”He smiled. “Thank you.”Beattie was waiting for him, of course, in that room where they had met before. She must have known it wouldn’t take Jack too long to make the connections. Lightly, she echoed the words she had said on that occasion. “Come to arrest me? You’ve told the police?”He fetched a box, perched on it, wanting to be as close to her as possible.“The police think it was me.”He could tell by her shocked reaction that the risk had simply not occurred to her. “I never meant for that to happen!”“What – them blaming me, or you killing Robbo and Derek?”“Robbo was haunted. He pleaded with me to help him die. And Derek… we were lovers, does that shock you? I couldn’t let him suffer any more.”“You played God.” Even though it was not much of a surprise, he felt oddly disappointed. How many times had he heard that one over the years? It was a mercy killing, he would have wanted to die… He wanted Beattie’s reasoning to be different in some, obscure way; he wanted her to stand out, otherwise she’d end up as just another of his ‘triumphs’, his unmasked killers, doomed to fade into memory. She seemed to read the disappointment in his eyes; her face turned wry, she chuckled slightly. “Well, someone’s got to play him, why not me!” Why try to make me different to all the others? was the unspoken question.He made an effort to move onto the logistics. “Where did you get the fentanyl patches from?”“When I first came here, I was in such pain. I kept a few back for a rainy day.”“And the text message Simone received – you sent that, didn’t you? They couldn’t trace the phone.” He supposed they’d find it eventually, perhaps chucked in a bush somewhere in the garden.“Derek worked out that it was me who killed Robbo…and he wanted me to do the same for him.” Her eyes softened as she looked at him, her face close to his. “I don’t regret what I did, Jack. I’m done with all that. If this place has taught me anything, it’s to seize the day. If a thing feels right…do it.” Her head moved suddenly; before he could react, she had leaned closer and kissed him hard on the lips. He froze, shocked, as she lingered for a moment before sitting back. She smiled broadly at the confusion on his face. After a moment’s reflection, he found himself smiling back. After all, why not? She knew what she had done, what was going to happen to her, and she wanted to have no regrets. She was too old and far too clever to hesitate.In her, he suddenly saw all of the beautiful, wise, witty, self-confident women that he’d been lucky enough to know and love throughout his life – at that moment, she epitomized not only Nikki, but Clarissa, Naomi, Sarah, Katie - even Chrissy in the happier days. Even his mother. His heart broke; he felt acutely the grief of knowing that she was slipping away from him, even as his lips were still warm from the imprint of her mouth.He sobered at the thought; he knew his time was limited. He would have to ring Steve soon. “I found some footage, um… from a camera Michael had installed in Robbo’s room. The police will want to see that.”“Will they charge me with murder?”She suddenly sounded very young and insecure, and his heart broke still further. “Probably…. Why did you suffocate them?”“I didn’t mean to do that! I just – I couldn’t bear to see their faces…” She was crying now, and he touched her arm, trying to comfort her. “You know who I blame? Bloody Peter Pan. To die would be an awfully big adventure. Death…?” She shrugged. “Maybe. Dying and getting old – not so much.”He stayed with her all the time. After stepping away to make the call to Steve, he went back to her and held her hand until the police car arrived…and then went on holding it while they arrested her and made the formal charges. Steve allowed him to walk her down the stair and over to the car, when a female officer helped her sit comfortably. “Where will they take her?” he asked Steve as they watched the police car move away.Steve hesitated. “Well… it’s not in anyone’s interest to keep her in a holding cell. She’s hardly an abscond risk anyway. I’m probably going to push for admission to a long-term care unit. It’s not even clear to me that she’ll make it to a trial. I’ll need a medical assessment before I interview her.”“Will you… will you let me know where she goes, please? In case I can visit her.”The DS looked at him for a long moment before shrugging his shoulders. “Sure.” He turned in the direction of the garden, where scene-of-crime officers were trying to locate the phone that Beattie had thrown away. “Look – we can take it from here. Why don’t you get off home? Get some rest, Jack – you look all in.”Jack nodded. “I’ve bagged the tapes, with my notes on times and dates. I’ll get them to you.”“Oh yeah, Jack?” Steve hesitated again, giving him a slightly sheepish smile. “Sorry about before, mate.”Jack nodded in acknowledgement and turned away. He bore no ill will towards the DS – Steve was a young officer, still working his way up. In a year or so, he’d be too experienced to make such a bad call. He drove back towards London, through darkening roads; he was surprised until he realized that he’d been at the care home for almost two and a half hours. It had taken a while for the police to arrive; even when they had, Steve had taken lengthy statements from both Jack and Beattie separately, before reluctantly agreeing to arrest her. No officer enjoyed charging a clearly frail person, and he could understand why Steve didn’t intend for Beattie to be taken to the station.He rolled his shoulders, feeling the full physical force of the past two days hit him. His eyes felt gritty and his body ached from exposure and lack of sleep; even the hot shower this morning hadn’t warmed him sufficiently. He recalled, with a shock, that Nikki had said she’d be waiting for him at his house – at least, he assumed that she meant physically and not just in some kind-of abstract way. Even so, he had warned her that he’d probably be some hours. Anyway, for all he knew, she might have been called out to some new crime scene, as she was on call this evening. He didn’t think he’d be altogether sorry if she had been called out. It wasn’t that he wasn’t keen to see her…but he was also weary, shell-shocked over Beattie’s confession, and desperately in need of a hot drink and a warm bed – hardly a romantic prospect.And anyway, he didn’t think he’d be able to say the things he wanted to; he was so tired that he’d probably mess up in some way. He was still confused, hurt and jealous about Harry; knowing for certain that Nikki loved him hadn’t changed that. He didn’t even know if he could move past the pain. He didn’t want to go into a relationship with Nikki without sorting out his own feelings first – and working out exactly what was going on between Harry and Nikki. It wouldn’t be fair on any of them. He had been planning to go straight home, but on a sudden instinct, he headed towards the Lyell first. He knew he wouldn’t be keen to go in first thing tomorrow – he’d probably need a lie-in anyway, and he didn’t want to be sorting out the minutiae of the case. He had already bagged the evidence from the caravan, and he decided drop that off so that someone else could deal with it in the morning.The offices were dim and quiet, the day staff having already departed for the day. He put the tapes on his desk, noting that Simone’s jacket was over the back of her chair, although she didn’t seem to be around. He hesitated…but after all, she could wait until tomorrow. Presumably Steve would fill her in on had really happened at the care home last night. He wasn’t hurt that Simone had – presumably – suspected him. She hardly knew him, after all. In fact, he rather admired her hard-headedness. He liked Simone – he felt easy in her company, and knew he’d be able to work with her much more smoothly than he ever had with Adam. But all that could wait until tomorrow…As he retraced his steps back across the carpark, he heard a familiar voice. “Jack?”He paused, his eyes closing briefly… He took a deep calming breath and squared his shoulders before turning around to face Harry.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Harry was sitting on a bench near the Lyell’s entrance. He was so still and silent in the dark that Jack had just walked past him without even noticing. He cut a lonely figure as Jack went back over; looking down at him, Jack could see that the other man had been drinking for a while, although evidently not enough to be really drunk.He peered up at Jack. “Can we go somewhere to talk?”Jack bit his lip. “I’m not sure that’s such a great idea.”“Please, Jack.” Harry’s voice was quiet, but firm. “It’s important, or I wouldn’t suggest it. I know perfectly well that I’m the very last person you want to see right now.”Jack sighed. “Ok, fine. I don’t want to be long, though.” He looked uncertainly towards the student’s union bar.Harry stood. “It won’t take long. No - I know somewhere quieter, just around the corner.”As they walked, Jack noticed that Harry was just a little unsteady on his feet. He tended to be a quiet drunk – not that he often indulged these days. He was clearly aware that his drinking was dangerously close to becoming a habit. Jack didn’t know if the problem ran in the family – Harry’s father must have had mental health issues – or whether it was Harry’s lifestyle that had turned him into a risky drinker, but he did know that Harry was painfully aware. It was unusual for him to drink like this…but then, today had been a pretty unusual day - for all of them…. Anyway, he found himself watching the other man’s gait, ready to put out a hand in case he stumbled. Harry led them towards a small pub on the next street – one that Jack had never frequented. Due to its proximity to the university, it was still quite studenty, but they managed to find a quiet table, and Harry ordered drinks with reasonably steady voice before sitting down and taking a big gulp from his pint.Jack looked down at his beer, his heart sinking. He did not need to hear Harry’s confession, not right now…although, in truth, probably not ever. He didn’t want to hear how Harry had been drawn to Nikki - how those long, long years of flirting and furtive looks and missed opportunities had finally culminated in – in… whatever had happened last night. It was too raw.Maybe Harry understood that. Maybe that was why, after silently staring into his own glass for almost ten minutes, he suddenly said, “She’s in love with you.”Jack jumped slightly; he’d fallen into a mildly sleepy reverie.“I wanted to say that first of all,” Harry continued, his eyes on Jack, surprisingly steady. “Just in case you were still wondering. It’s not me. It’s you. I don’t know how long she’s felt that way, but…” He looked away suddenly, his eyes intent on a far corner of the dim, depressing little pub. “Anyway, I wanted to say that… I know.”Jack took a minute sip of his beer; the taste was bitter, and he put the glass down. “Then, why…?”“Why last night?” Harry took another gulp of his beer before pushing the glass aside. He picked up a beer mat and began to shred it, his fingers moving automatically, almost viciously. Jack nodded, although it wasn’t quite what he had meant. “I want you to know that I didn’t know,” Harry went on. “About you, I mean – about how you felt. I’m telling you the truth – I really didn’t know how much she meant to you until I saw your face this morning. I mean, I knew there was something… I could see that from the moment I saw you together. Even before, in fact - I remember her talking about you in Washington and getting the impression that you – well. That you were important to her, in some way.” He smiled, a little bitterly. “It’s sometimes hard to tell with Nikki – no offence, but you know as well as I do, that she can be quite…tactile. When I saw the way, she was with you – touching you, putting her head on your shoulder, kissing your cheek – well, it was very much the way she used to be with me, even Leo sometimes. It didn’t necessarily imply anything more. But then, sometimes I’d catch her looking at you…and that was different. I can’t really explain it. And the way she sang to you at that ridiculous karaoke thing…”He paused for a few minutes, still methodically tearing the beer mat into tiny pieces. Jack didn’t interrupt him. At least that confirmed something – it was him who Nikki had been singing to that night. He had never quite been sure. But then he remembered that there had been that distraught expression on Harry’s face…As if reading his thoughts, Harry went on. “It was a shock – that night. I think I’d been falling in love with Nikki so gradually that I hadn’t even noticed. She was just Nikki, for heaven’s sake! I’d loved her for years, in some way or another, and maybe we should’ve got together years ago, before I even went to New York. I know that she thought so at one point – Leo did too. It just hadn’t seemed…right…back then. Anyway, I knew she’d split up with Matt by that karaoke night, but I hadn’t given it much thought, to be honest – I mean, I was sorry for her, but I had no thought that she might even look at me. But then… that night, she was singing that song and she was looking at you… and I knew. I’d never seen her looking at anyone like that before. Not even me. And… and it shouldn’t have hurt as much as it suddenly did. That was a – a bit of a revelation, to be honest.”He glanced up at Jack. “Even then, I didn’t do anything about it. I know you probably don’t believe me, but – quite honestly, I expected that the next thing I’d hear was that you were officially together. She was officially single, she clearly loved you, and – I assumed – you felt something for her too. But then, nothing seemed to happen. You both went on just as before, perfectly polite and friendly to each other, but nothing more. And I began to think that – just maybe – I’d got it all wrong. Maybe you didn’t feel the same way after all – after all, it wasn’t as if Matt was in the way anymore, so why wouldn’t you make your move if you did care? I didn’t realize you hadn’t heard about him – I don’t know why she didn’t tell you. So, in the end, I convinced myself that I wasn’t – well, treading on anyone’s toes, so to speak. And, also, I had a crazy idea that maybe I could make her feel the way she used to…about me. After all, she loved me once. Maybe it wasn’t too late for us after all?”Jack shifted, uncomfortably, and Harry glanced at him.“I’m not going to go into details. I’m quite sure you don’t want to know. But I just wanted to explain – to make you understand that…” He sighed, clearly trying to find the right words. “See – Nikki and I, we were young together. We were free and single, we had everything that we wanted… How can I put this? There I was, the world at my feet – a qualified pathologist, working in a job I loved. I was like a kid in a sweetshop – I was working with Sam and Leo, both renowned in the field, but both a bit older than me… and then, along came Nikki. She was young, vibrant, fun to be with – incredibly beautiful. How could I not fall in love with her? How could I not want to spend years working alongside her? We had each other, we had Leo, it felt like we had everything. Even when we had disagreements, even when we were shouting at each other… she was the single most important person in my life. For years.”As Harry spoke, Jack remembered those photographs. The young couple, Harry and Nikki, their smiles full of energy and fun and laughter - in love with life and, perhaps, with one another. Yes, he could imagine what they had been like together.Harry paused, taking another drink. “And then I made the decision to leave… And I won’t say that it wasn’t the best thing to do – professionally. And I’m not denying that I moved on personally too. Eventually, Nikki became just a lovely memory – a reminder of that wonderful feeling of being young and carefree, of knowing that your best years are yet to come… I knew I still loved her in some way and that I always would, but she belonged in the past… And maybe – just maybe – she should have stayed there…” His voice was suddenly painfully bitter. “Because, if she had…I wouldn’t have to go on with the memory of -.” He broke off suddenly, looking off into the dark corner again.Jack had hardly touched his beer, but he noticed that Harry’s glass was empty. “Do you want another one?” he asked, to be polite, not really meaning it.Harry glanced at him. “No, thanks. I’ve had enough, don’t you think?”Jack didn’t respond, feeling that Harry’s emotions were on a knife’s edge. Despite himself, he found that he did want to know what had happened, after all. He feared that Harry would suddenly clam up, turn away from him… but the other man seemed to no hurry to leave – or continue his story. He sighed. “I’m sorry, I’m all to pieces. I’m trying to explain why it happened – and I know it’s painful for you to think about – but I have to tell you… The reality is that when I came back… I was trying to escape from the mess that my life had become. You already knew that, anyway, I guess, but… If I’d gone back after a few weeks – six months, say – it’d have been a nice little interlude, seeing Nikki, revisiting old memories at the Lyell and so on before going home. But the longer it went on, the more it felt as if I’d already come home. My other life seemed to grow dimmer and less real somehow. Through Nikki – and even you, to some extent – I felt the excitement and tension of the cases, and I remembered how it felt. To – to be at the cutting edge of things – to be there, making a difference. And then, to be with Nikki again – working in the lab together, just like we used to be. It made me feel young, happy again. It made me feel…the way I used to feel. Do you see? I was trying to be what I used to me. I wanted to be that Harry Cunningham, not the middle-aged boring academic I felt that I’d become in New York – the man whose wife cheated on him with a younger man.” He shook his head. “Maybe I thought that, if I could stay here, with Nikki…all my problems would go away. And… and I saw, in her, all the things I should have seen all those years ago. How could I have walked away from her – how could I have been so stupid?”He paused; his gaze distant. “We were drunk last night – not so drunk that we didn’t know what we were doing, but just enough to feel that it didn’t matter. I can’t pretend to know her motive – that’s something you’re going to have to work out with Nikki – but I do know something. She regretted it, almost immediately. Don’t get me wrong – if she’d said ‘no’ at any moment, I would have stopped – I swear to you, Jack. It wasn’t like that. It was just…I could see it in her eyes…afterwards. I think – again, she will be able to explain it better than I can – but I think she felt the essential wrongness of what we were doing. It was as if she’d had a sudden revelation. She knew she shouldn’t be there – with me. She was trying to be nice about it, but… she was almost in shock, I think. She stared at me, and then her phone started ringing, and she shot out of bed to answer it. I… well, I lay there for a while, not certain what to do, and then I got up and went to see her, and asked her was she coming back to bed… I think I must have been denial. I wanted to convince myself that I hadn’t seen that look in her eyes; I thought she might smile and come back with me and then – maybe – everything would be alright. But it – it wasn’t alright, not at all.”Harry had resumed ripping beer mats, but his hands were shaking badly. “I didn’t sleep at all last night. All I could feel was that I’d done a terrible thing – that I’d ruined the one happy thing in my life, that she’d never be able to even look at me again, let alone talk to me. I knew that – even if we could never be a couple – it’d be enough, just to know that she was my best friend, that she loved me the way she always had… I mean, that anything was better than nothing - you know?”Jack nodded. He knew. “Well…she did talk to me, but only to confirm what I already knew by then. It had been a mistake. She’d been feeling lonely, she’d been drinking, she’d been watching those students having the time of their lives…and maybe she was, like me – just trying to capture something from long ago. But she realized, very quickly, that the concept of ‘us’ was fundamentally wrong. She loved me, but not like that… I suppose I should be grateful that we can still be friends, at least.”He didn’t sound particularly grateful, though. Jack shifted uncomfortably and sipped his drink again, more through habit than anything. “She didn’t mention you,” Harry added. “But she did admit that she realized that she needed to be ‘somewhere else’. I asked whether she really meant ‘somewhere else’ or with someone else. I’m not sure why… I think I was thinking of your face this morning and then that time when she sang, and I was suspecting that I might have messed up even more than I’d realized… So, maybe I was sort-of testing her, to see if she realized how she felt about you.”“Did she say anything?” Jack asked.Harry considered. “No, but… she had a startled look on her face, as if… as if she’d sort-of confirmed something. I got the feeling that she would have got there on her own anyway, if she’d had enough time to think about it. That’s the trouble with Nikki. Always too busy to stop and think about the… important things in life. But you probably already know that.”He had stopped fidgeting with the remains of the beer mat, and looked intently at Jack, suddenly seeming perfectly sober.“I’m sorry, Jack. Sorry about everything… I was thinking of myself last night, and probably for a while before that too. In fact,” he grimaced, “it’s something of a fault of mine… But I would never have come between you if I’d known – I swear it.”Jack looked down at his hands. “I suppose… well, you weren’t to know.”Harry stirred a little. “That’s why I shanghaied you tonight. I hung around, hoping you’d show up. I wanted to speak to you, even though I guessed I’d probably be the very last person you’d want to see…because it might have been the last chance. And I didn’t want us to end on bad terms.”Jack looked up at him, startled. Harry smiled grimly. “I’m going home. The US routes are opening again, very soon – and even if they don’t, I’ll find a way. I can’t hide here any longer. I need to get back… I have a wife, and whatever happens, I need to be fair to her – we need to talk and decide what’s going to become of us… and I can’t do that over a screen.” He pushed a hand through his hair. “I’ve already told the Dean that I’m resigning, and my lease is up on my apartment, so the timing is right.”“It’s all a bit…sudden.”Harry gave him a wry look. “I think we both know that I can’t stay here – not now. One day – I hope – Nikki and I will be the good friends that we always should have been, once again. Right now, it’s too difficult. She feels guilty, and I don’t think you’re ever going to be entirely happy about having me around again. No - don’t try to deny it! The most generous man in the world – and you are a generous man, Jack – would hardly be comfortable in the circumstances. No – it’s best I make a fresh start. Maybe -,” he smiled, amused – “maybe I need to grow up a bit.”“I’m going to miss you,” Jack admitted. He found that - perhaps, Harry was right – he could be generous now. Harry had been a good friend, and if things were different…Harry smiled at him. “Thank you. I appreciate all the things you’ve done, Jack – not for me, but for Nikki. I do think that you’ve been good for her. She’s in a much better place than she was when I first left, despite all the things she’s been through…and I’m absolutely certain that she wouldn’t have been if it hadn’t been for you. Even if you weren’t so obviously in love with her, I think you would still have taken good care of her…because that’s you, Jack… I’m going to go, now, because I’ve said all that I wanted to say and – well, to be frank, I’m exhausted. Not just physically, either.”He stood, and Jack stood up too, caught out by the abruptness of Harry’s movement. Now he could see the other man’s face, he realized that Harry was by no means as calm and collected as he was trying to appear.“Goodbye, Jack – and good luck. If you ever find yourself in New York, you know you’ll always be welcome to visit – that goes for Nikki too, but she knows that.” He reached over and shook Jack’s hand rather quickly. “By the way -,” he added, “I’m not going to insult you by asking you to take care of her…because you always have…and I think you always will. Far better than I ever did.”His voice broke slightly on the last words, and he turned away quickly, leaving the pub without a backward glance. Jack sat down again on slightly weak legs. He knew that, for as long as he lived, he would never forget the expression of agony on Harry’s face as he said those last words… Parking his car and then taking Simone’s apologetic phone call, Jack felt beyond exhausted. It was late now; the house was in darkness. He was used to that anyway, as Conor tended to go to bed early these days, but the house looked almost desolate from the outside. He couldn’t help feeling disappointed. It was ridiculous, he knew – he’d been hours longer than even he had expected, and why would she stay that long, when she knew he could just as easily text or call when he was free? She probably knew that he wouldn’t be up to a serious conversation when he got back; she probably planned to talk to him tomorrow when they’d both caught up on their sleep. After all, they had all the time in the world…And yet, right up until he’d pulled up against the curb, there had been just a little kernel of hope. She had promised, after all. She had said she would wait for him…He went into the house, locking the door behind him and doing all the automatic safety checks that had become habitual – lights out, heating off, plugs removed. He moved towards the lounge, there was a dim light somewhere that his dad had probably left on. The beer at the pub had left a stale taste, maybe he’d pour just a nip of whiskey to take upstairs with him… He stopped.She hadn’t left. She was there, lying on their sofa, fast asleep, her blonde hair ruffled. As he approached her on suddenly soft feet, he saw that her hand still clutched her mobile… as if she had been waiting for his call all day…He knelt beside her, gently touched her hand, stroked that soft hair back from her forehead with the lightest of touches. She stirred, opened her eyes sleepily…and gazed up at him, her mouth curving into a gentle smile…