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Alex knew Nicky was concussed as soon as he went down in a blinding array of lights and sharp edges. He was crumpled along the end boards, not moving. Alex rushed to his side and dropped to his knees, squinting through the strangeness and trying to think clearly when all of Nicky was suddenly jumbled. Around them, the game came to a grinding halt. ‘Nicky?’ Nicky groaned, rolling to his stomach and then slowly pushing himself to his knees. He paused there a moment, trying to catch his breath. ‘Fuck’ he thought. ‘What?’ Even in Alex’s head, Nicky sounded suddenly exhausted. “C’mon, up.” He said aloud, mostly for the benefit of their teammates. Alex helped him stand, supporting him when he leaned heavily. Someone else jumped in on his other side, but Alex was too focused on Nicky to know who it was. Movement made it worse. Alex could feel the dizziness trickling in, as though it slipped through the cracks in Nicky’s fingers as he tried to hold back. Nicky was slow to release Alex’s arm when they got to the threshold of the tunnel. His thoughts were a rapid collage of pain and uncertainty. Alex pushed him gently, encouraging him to step off the ice. He played the rest of the period with a broken kaleidoscope where Nicky use to be, one that made the world twist and turn, melting together sounds and colors. He could still focus, but it took all his concentration not to reach out to him. It didn’t hurt, so much as he could tell that Nicky was hurting. It was like one window had been replaced with wavy glass and it disoriented him when his mind ran over it. Afterwards, someone found Alex and took him to the medical room. Nicky had been stripped down to his underarmour and he was sitting on an exam table clutching a trash can to his chest. ‘Don’t let them.’ Nicky thought at him urgently, through an onslaught of emotions. ‘What? Who? What’s wrong?’ Alex looked around the room; everyone was calm except Nicky. Nicky was projecting dismay and confusion, though Alex didn’t think he meant to. “Can you feel the concussion through the bond?” Dr. Radans asked, pushing his glasses up his nose. He looked bored by the conversation. “It feels different.” Alex said slowly, trying to buy time. At the back of his brain, Nicky was so scared, but Alex didn’t know why. He tried to reach for him, tried to calm him, but the bond shuddered. ‘No, please, no.’ Alex glanced at Nicky. When the blond moved, Alex was hit by a wave of vertigo that crashed over him. He tightened his hands on the edge of the table. Dr. Radans noticed, raising his eyebrows. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’ Nicky pleaded. “It’s standard to give a bond-numbing medication so you do not suffer the negative effects of the concussion as well. It’s detailed in your contract.” He explained. In one fell swoop, he injected the medicine into an IV in Nicky’s hand. As suddenly as that, the part of his mind that had always been Nicky, even before he knew him, was gone. When Nicky was asleep, Alex could feel him brushing against his consciousness. When the bond had first formed and Alex had been five years old, he’d been able to feel Nicky’s warmth; he barely remembered his life before Nicky. Abruptly, it was lifeless. Nicky’s face fell and he sobbed hard, gasping desperate sounds that Alex should’ve been able to feel, but he couldn’t. “Why?” Nicky asked, aloud. His hands clutched at his head. “Why?”Alex knew, better than anyone, how Nicky’s mind worked. Outwardly, Nicky appeared calm and organized, but Alex knew his mind was sorted in circles, with everything tied back in at the center. And, as far as Alex could tell, he was the center. He was the anchor, the tether, that held everything else. After the numbing agent, he realized that’s not how his own mind worked. Nicky was different, and he was suffering. Nicky had built everything around the upwelling of love Alex provided. And now, where comfort was supposed to be, there was nothing but a vast black pit. Alex hugged him tight, feeling his whole body shaking. “I can’t- why? Why did you-?” Nicky couldn’t finish a sentence, sobs tearing him apart. “It hurts! Please, please, it hurts.” He begged. Alex stroked his hair with one hand, squeezing him even tighter in his arms. “Fix it.” He growled at the doctor, who was jotting down notes in a file as though Nicky wasn’t falling apart. “It’ll wear off on its own in 24-48 hours.” He said, completely nonplussed. “Someone should’ve noted that he had a dependent bond. Oh well. This will make him reorganize.” “He’s hurt! Look at him. Fix it!” Alex demanded. He’d heard of dependent bonds, malformed bonds, though they never talked about them in bond classes. Or, at least, they didn’t in Russia. But still, could he have really not noticed Nicky wasn’t like him? “I’m not giving him pain medicine for bond pain.” He almost sneered. “He’s just going to have to tough it out.” Dr. Radans said, shaking his head and walking away. If Nicky wasn’t clinging to him, Alex would’ve punched him. As it were, he tried his best to calm his soulmate, whispering reassurances to him. “Where are you? Why can’t I find you?” Nicky asked. His eyes were wide but not focused, lost and frightened. Alex cupped Nicky’s cheeks in his hand, wiping away tears with his thumbs. “We’re ok. We’re ok, I promise.” Nicky turned his face into Alex’s palm, sobbing brokenly. “Nicky, it’s ok. It’s ok.”He’d barely gotten Nicky to relax and lay back on the exam bed when one of the trainers told him it was time to get back to the game. Alex had to play two more periods knowing Nicky was in agony and he couldn’t feel it. He couldn’t press close and try to help him shoulder the suffering. Without Nicky, Alex felt wrongfooted and lost. Without Alex, Nicky’s world had been turned upside down. After the game, Nicky had showered and changed. Alex hoped he was over the worst of it, but he had no way of knowing. Every time Alex reached for the bond, he couldn’t stop himself in time to avoid being jarred by the absence. Occasionally, Nicky flinched; maybe he was doing the same?Nicky sat on the bench beside Alex’s stall as he dressed. He had his head in his hands, a beanie pulled low over his forehead, and he kept wiping away tears. The team watched with concern and Alex didn’t know if he should say anything. People used to be shamed for malformed bonds. It was becoming known to be a developmental issue and had less stigma attached, but Alex didn’t know what the attitude towards it was like in America. Finally, Mike Green squatted down in front of the blonde. “Hey, you ok, buddy?” He asked, a hand on his knee. “Hurts.” Nicky whispered, holding his head. Alex frowned, turning his head to watch the conversation. “Concussions aren’t fun.” Mike sympathized. Nicky shook his head once. “No, they- they took Sasha away.” Mike looked at Alex curiously as the words made icy water crash down his spine. Nicky never called him Sasha in front of the team. He rarely even said it out loud. It was always something he treasured, something shared between them and sacred. “They numb the bond.” Alex explained. “It’ll wear off.”“It hurts.” Nicky whispered. Mike moved to sit beside him, hugging him. “Why is this- why?” Nicky covered his face, his cheeks pink with embarrassment. “I can’t focus.” “Hey, it’s alright.” Mike said tenderly. “It’s probably just the concussion. You’ll feel better in the morning.” “I’m sorry.”“It’s ok. If somebody messed with my bond, I’d be upset too.” He rubbed his hand up and down Nicky’s back, but it didn’t stop the steady trickle of tears. When Alex finished changing, Mike helped him corral his stumbling soulmate out to the car. Nicky was shivering, still mopping up tears with his sleeve. Mike had to remind him to buckle his seatbelt. “What did they do to him?” He asked, as soon as he’d shut the door. “Numb bond, because of concussion.” Alex repeated, dropping their gear into the trunk. Mike’s eyebrows knit together with skepticism. “Yeah, no. When Courtney and I had to do that, when she had her wisdom teeth out, it was not like that.” He jerked his thumb towards the car, indicating Nicky. Alex flushed. “They said...said he has dependent bond.” He admitted quietly. He didn’t want to overshare, it was Nicky’s business, but Mike was his best friend. “Didn’t know before.”Mike’s face fell. “Oh shit.” He scrubbed his hand through his hair. “Fuck.”“What?” Alex asked. “Something like 75% of dependent bonds are caused by child abuse.” Mike explained in undertones. “I read it in one of Courtney’s parenting books.” He glanced back towards Nicky. Alex felt the world narrow down to the spot he was standing. His breath caught in his chest. “I didn’t know.” He looked at Nicky, who was leaning against the window of the car with his eyes closed. He couldn’t imagine how anyone could hurt him, couldn’t imagine how anyone wouldn’t love Nicky immediately. He thought about the warm curiosity he’d felt when the bond first formed, simultaneously eager and shy. It had been gentle and sweet, endearingly careful. Nicky had been so, so easy to love. “How...how does it work? The dependent bonds.” Alex asked. Mike and Courtney were expecting their first child, it made sense they’d be learning about bond development. “It’s like, you know how on an arch, there’s one stone that holds it all up? It’s called the keystone.” Mike explained. “Usually your keystone or whatever, it’s like your family, friends, and stuff you like. But if you don’t have that stuff, then it’s your bond. That’s what the baby book said, anyway.” “It hurts him?”“I guess. Unless that’s the concussion.” Mike’s phone rang. “That’s Courtney. Let me know if you need anything, ok?” He said, squeezing Alex’s arm before walking towards his own car, answering the phone. Alex drove home carefully. Nicky was shaking, his teeth chattering with every breath. Alex gave him Advil, hoping that would take away some of the pain. Nicky buried his face in his pillow and cried until he fell asleep.Alex read on his phone about dependent bonds, trying to see what else could’ve caused it. He’d met Nicky’s family and while they seemed a little stiff, they obviously loved Nicky. Alex’s family was very affectionate, it wasn’t bad that Nicky’s weren’t. Alex was about to fall asleep when Nicky jerked awake, a harsh sob on his lips. His hands made contact with Alex and he clung to him. “Sasha! Are you- are you ok?” Nicky asked desperately, his hands searching him for injury. “I’m ok.” Alex assured him. “I thought- in my dream you were dead.” He explained, his voice cracking. Alex hugged him close. Nicky couldn’t feel the bond and he’d thought Alex was dead. He blinked back his own tears. He couldn’t feel Nicky’s suffering, but he knew Nicky. He knew what it meant when Nicky’s hands never stopped shaking, knew what it meant when Nicky hid his face in the space between Alex’s neck and shoulder. He knew what it meant when Nicky bit his nails. It was the first of many nightmares. In the morning, Alex drug Nicky into the shower with him. He needed Nicky close to him as much as Nicky needed to be close. Alex sat him on the bench and carefully washed his hair, massaging his scalp and tipping his head back so suds didn’t run into his eyes. “Why does it hurt?” Nicky asked. “Why is it...it’s so hard to think.” He sounded dazed. He was concussed, Alex reminded himself. Some of the fogginess and confusion could be from that. Some of the pain could be from that. “It will be better soon.” Alex said, kissing his freshly washed head. “I love you.” Alex felt the need to tell him because he couldn’t show him with the bond. He needed to hear Nicky say it back. “I love you too.” Nicky said, his voice hoarse. Alex took Nicky to practice so the medical staff could evaluate him and do concussion testing. Afterwards, he found Nicky in his stall, Alex’s jacket clutched in both hands. Nicky looked asleep except for the tension in his expression. “Hungry?” Alex asked. “I don’t know. Maybe.” Nicky said, exhaling heavily. He seemed more calm, more composed. His eyes were wet, but they didn’t well over. “Brain needs food.” Alex decided. They picked up Thai take-out on the way home. Nicky picked at his food, pushing it around his plate. “Have to eat.” Alex said, pointing his fork at him. Nicky shrugged. “I can’t. My head...I feel so sick.” He pressed his hands over his eyes. “Why is this happening? Why just me?”“Doctor said you have dependent bond.” He explained quietly. “Medicine wear off soon and everything go back to normal.” “My bond is broken?” Nicky asked, his eyebrows coming together in concern. Alex kissed his forehead. “No, not broken. Just...I don’t know. We figure it out.” They spent the rest of the evening on the couch; Nicky seemed to do best when Alex was close to him. Alex held him, trying to get use to the wrongness of it all. Nicky was taking deliberate slow breaths, like he was standing on the edge of a cliff and trying to calm himself down. Alex ached to feel their connection again, ached to help him. 24 hours had come and gone, and Alex couldn’t feel Nicky. “Made it one day, Nicky.” He said, kissing him. “Be back together soon.”Nicky nodded slowly. “Do you think...what if it doesn’t come back?” “Bond will come back.” Alex promised. “Everything will be ok.”Nicky hummed, skeptical of Alex’s platitudes. “Hope so.”After watching highlights from other games around the league and providing color commentary for Nicky, who kept his eyes closed, Alex decided it was time for bed. He herded Nicky upstairs, letting him crawl into bed without brushing his teeth.Alex woke a few times throughout the night, each time hearing Nicky’s choked off cries. Alex kissed his head and snuggled him closer. Nicky tried to kept quiet, but they were tangled up in each other. Even without the bond, Alex had a 6th sense for Nicky.The Swede was still asleep when Alex left for morning skate, but when he got back Nicky had worked himself up into hysterics. Alex could hear the gut-churning sounds of him shattering apart as soon as he opened the door. He hurried to his side, dropping his gear on the way.Nicky was in the bathroom, sobbing hard. He’d gotten sick, some of it still dribbled down from his lip. There was a gash on his chin and a matching red splotch on the rim of the toilet, where he’d hit it. His cheeks were tacky with tears, some old and drying, others fresh and still falling. Alex took a warm washcloth to his face to clean him up, holding him until he calmed down enough to talk. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Nicky clutched the washrag in his fist. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”“It’s ok.” Alex rocked him gently. “Not your fault.” “I woke up and- and you were gone. I had…”“You have nightmare?” Alex asked knowingly. Nicky’s cheeks flushed red.“I- Yeah.” He admitted. “I couldn’t...why can’t I do this? This isn’t me. I can’t...I can’t make it stop.” Alex felt guilty. Maybe this was his fault. Maybe if he’d done things differently, Nicky’s bond would’ve formed correctly. He remembered sitting on the edge of his bed every night, pushing happiness and love towards the bond, sharing all the things that made him happy. No one told him to do that, he just felt like he should. He was only 5, but he knew a soulmate was your best friend and he wanted to show him more about his life. Maybe if he hadn’t done that...he snapped out of his thoughts. “It’ll get better.” Alex promised. “You’ll get better.”“It’s like...it’s like I get off balance and then I fall.” Nicky whispered. Unbidden, Alex pictured Nicky on a tightrope. When a breeze blew he’d reach for Alex, but he wasn’t there. In Alex’s mind, there was nothing below the tightrope, just endless nothingness for Nicky to fall into. Maybe that came from Nicky, he hoped. He strained to feel for their connection, but it was still numb. “Concussion not helping.” Alex assured him. “C’mon, you take nap with me.” Nicky slept best wrapped up in Alex’s arms, face pressed into his chest. It didn’t stop the nightmares, but it helped soothe him when he woke up. Nicky had only been 3 when their bond formed. He had no memories before Alex. After their bond had been cemented, they had never needed to be separated. Alex imagined what it would’ve been like if one of them had needed surgery. It was normal to numb the bond, in case anything went wrong with the anesthesia or the person woke during surgery. He imagined Nicky trying to regulate his emotions alone, when his whole world had been splintered and he held him closer. Alex brought Nicky to the game with him, unable to bear the thought of leaving him alone. He looked impossibly vulnerable, wearing Alex’s hoody and a beanie. He pulled the sleeves down over his hands and pulled the collar up to his nose. The hoody smelled like Alex, he realized. He felt a surge of love towards Nicky, but the bond was still numb and there was nowhere to direct it. It echoed in Alex’s head like a shout, permeating every thought. He crossed the room to sit beside him, looping an arm around him. Nicky turned his face towards him, closing his eyes tight. “You’re ok. Medicine should wear off soon.” Alex said, rubbing a hand up and down his arm. Nicky nodded. Tight tremors were coursing through his body. “What’s wrong?”“It hurts.” Nicky whimpered. “I’m sorry. I’m trying-” His voice shook, ducking his head. “It’s ok. You’re ok.” Alex said, for the millionth time. Nicky wasn’t ok; he was in agony, and Alex couldn’t do anything; all he had were empty words and hollow promises. After the game, Alex found Nicky tucked into a corner of the quiet room, rocking back and forth. His eyes were welling over and his breathing was too fast. It had been 48 hellish hours and Alex still couldn’t feel him at all. “Nicky, Nicky, what’s wrong?” “I can’t...it hurts so bad.” Nicky said. Instead of calming, Nicky was still spiraling downwards; he had been ever since the numbing agent was administered. “Everything feels wrong.”Alex sat on the floor holding him, pressing kisses to his head as his own tears started to fall. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that something had happened to Nicky as a child, something so profound that it changed his bond. It wasn’t fair that Alex couldn’t comfort him. It wasn’t fair for him to hurt like this. Alex shifted his hold on Nicky, cleaning tears and snot from his face with his sleeve. Nicky caught a glimpse of Alex, a shaking hand reaching out to touch his wet cheeks. “Are you hurt?” He asked. “Are you ok?” There was a worried note to his voice and it drove a knife into Alex’s heart. He rested his head on Nicky’s shoulder and sobbed. Nicky, poor Nicky who’d been so absolutely destroyed, was worried about him, asked if he was hurt too. If possible, Alex loved him even more. “I’m ok. Just wish you didn’t feel so bad.” Alex said, stroking his hair. “I’m sorry.” “Not your fault. Didn’t do anything wrong.” He promised. He held Nicky’s hands, hugging him, trying to touch him as much as he could. He wondered if physical contact could help the bond return to normal. It certainly couldn’t make it worse. They were still there 20 minutes later when Mike opened the door, letting out a sigh of relief. “How about I drive you guys home?” He offered. Nicky spent the ride with his head tucked down to his knees, biting his lip bloody to keep from crying out. Halfway there, Mike pulled over and Alex climbed into the backseat. He let Nicky bury his face against his chest, achingly raw sobs escaping. “Please, make it stop. Sasha, please.” Nicky said between gulping breaths. Alex stayed quiet; there was nothing he could say, nothing he could do. He ached for Nicky but he knew his pain wasn’t even one iota of what Nicky was suffering. Alex looked up and caught a glimpse of Mike wiping his eyes dry as he put the car back in drive. When they got home, Alex dug some Tylenol PM from the medicine cabinet and Nicky took it without question. Alex rubbed his back and played with his hair until he’d fallen asleep, totally spent. Alex passed out beside him, exhausted. If Nicky woke in the middle of the night, Alex didn’t know about it. When he blinked awake in the morning, Nicky was sitting on the edge of the bed, biting his nails until they were only nubs. “Nicky?”“I can’t breathe.” Nicky whispered. He was panting without any reason, his skin cool under Alex’s hand. “Why is this happening? Why isn’t the bond…where is it?”Alex pushed and tried, but the bond was still mute. “I don’t know. I call someone.” He promised. Dr. Joy Epema was the team bond specialist. Alex called her. First, he spoke with a receptionist, until he mentioned the dependent bond, and then he was transferred straight to Dr. Epema herself. Alex explained everything to her, from the concussion the the way Nicky was currently panicking, too restless to even let Alex hold him. “You need to get to my office right away.” She said. “Both of you. I should’ve been notified of this immediately; I’m going to call Dr. Radans.” Alex wanted to hear her chew out Radan, but he had to try to get Nicky to the car. Nicky spent the ride doubled up, quietly falling apart. They were ushered into a private room. Nicky was hyperventilating, his face ghostly pale and his lips graying. “Nicky, breathe. It’s ok. You hear me?” Alex squeezed his hands, trying to get his attention. “Hang on, ok? It’s gonna be ok.”Nicky shook his head, biting down on the meat of his palm to keep himself quiet. Dr. Epema and a nurse entered the room. “Help me get him on the exam table.” She said quietly. Then, to Nicky, “Nicklas, I have some medicine. It’s going to make you feel better.” Nicky let himself be manhandled onto the table without protest. He hardly seemed to process the people around him, even Alex. The doctor injected a shot into his upper arm and within a minute, Nicky started to calm. They laid him down gently, his knees curled up and one hand loosely clutching Alex’s. “It’s a mild sedative.” She explained. “He should’ve been given one as soon as the dependent bond was discovered.”“Dr. Radans-““Dr. Radans will not be working with your team anymore.” She said quickly. “He has outdated views of bonds.” “Oh. Is Nicky...is he ok?” “You’ll both be ok.” She pulled up a chair for Alex. “With dependent bonds, it causes so much pain and anxiety when the bonds are destroyed or numbed that it makes it difficult for the bond to come back.” Alex looked at Nicky, watching as he blinked thickly. Poor Nicky, he thought. Everything he wanted to tell him, to show him, rolled around in Alex’s brain like tumbleweed. “Nicklas, what happened when your bond was forming?” Dr. Epema asked, a notepad in her lap. Alex braced himself for the answer. Nicky closed his eyes. “Kris was sick.” He said, like his tongue was thick, the words cloudy and slow.“Your brother?” Alex clarified. Something dark was curling in his belly, dread and hope all tangled into one thing. Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as he feared; maybe it would be worse. “Uh huh.” Nicky swallowed. “Leukemia. Mom and dad sent me to stay with...with lots of different family while they took care of him.”“You got moved around a lot?” Dr. Epema asked gently, prompting him to continue. “Yeah.” He paused. “Once, I didn’t see them for a month.” “But Alex was there.” She encouraged. Nicky smiled for the first time in two days and Alex squeezed his hand tighter. “Sasha was so happy...and he loved me.” His voice was a little slurred. “Still love you.” Alex couldn’t help but say. Alex was filled with love and nothing to do with it, no way to show him yet. Nicky opened his eyes to look at him, dazed and having a hard time focusing his eyes. “Love you too.”“How do we fix?” Alex asked. “What if...I don’t know, if something happens and we’re separated?” Dr. Epema nodded. “Do you live in Virginia?” She asked offhandedly. “Arlington.” Alex said, confused. “That works. There are pills, they’re low THC-““Pot?” Alex asked, raising his eyebrows. “He can’t- Team does drug tests.”She laughed. “It’s derived from cannabis, but it doesn’t have THC, so there’s not the ‘high’ like you’ve...heard about.” Her eyes sparkled knowingly. Even worse, Nicky giggled, pulling Alex’s hand to his face to obscure his smile. Alex felt his cheeks go red. “It’ll help him relax while we wait for the bond to come back. Then, he’ll take a very low dose at night before bed. Studies have shown it helps to reduce bond dependency over time.” She continued. “It’s not something that should ever be done cold turkey.” She shared a significant look with Alex. “If the bond is ever numbed again, especially in the near future, call me immediately. I’ll give you my private number.” “Is he...can it hurt him?” Alex asked. Nicky closed his eyes, so relaxed he was almost asleep. She exhaled slowly. “It won’t hurt him. Most deaths associated with broken dependent bonds are suicides, to be blunt.” Alex squeezed Nicky’s hand. “The pain becomes unbearable pretty quickly.” “Oh.” Alex felt guilt well up in the pit of his stomach. He should’ve-“He won’t have any lingering effects.” She promised. “There’s no reason the bond won’t return once he’s been calm for a while. Probably one more day, maybe two.” She left to process paperwork, calling the team’s head physician to give him a heads up about Nicky’s course of treatment. “Sorry.” Alex said, carding a hand through his hair. “Should’ve called sooner.” Nicky shrugged. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know my bond was so…” he trailed off, either unable to find the right word, or losing his train of thought entirely. “It’s ok.” Alex kissed his forehead. “We fix.” Dr. Epema waited for the initial sedative to start to wear off before allowing them to leave. She explained the dosage plan to Alex and Nicky twice, and sent them home with a written copy. “I’ll call you in a few days.” She advised. “To check in.” There was an optional skate that day, but Alex didn’t go. He spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch, with Nicky laying on top of him, his head over Alex’s heart. The pills may not have made him high, but he was thoroughly relaxed, all the tension that had been coiling in his muscles ebbing away. “How do you feel?” Alex asked, flipping through Netflix without actually picking anything. Usually it drove Nicky nuts, but he seemed content to listen to Alex’s heartbeat and close his eyes. “Better. Still...everything still feels weird.” He yawned. “But it doesn’t hurt.”“Good.” Alex said. “Bond come back soon and then you’ll be better.” “Still have a concussion.” Nicky reminded gently. “I can’t tell what’s causing what now though.” “You excited to take pot pills?” Alex teased. Nicky giggled and hid his face. “Don’t call them that.” He whined through a smile. “Other name too complicated.” Alex lied.“Uh huh.” Nicky said incredulously. “It’s- It’s...I can’t say it.” He laughed loosely, uninhibited. Alex drank up the sound, letting it sooth the parts of him rubbed raw without the bond, like a balm. They ordered take out for dinner and Alex coaxed Nicky to bed earlier than usual. Nicky was calm, but the bond being numb still affected him. He stayed close to Alex, bumping against him as they got ready for bed, and he paused when Alex turned the lights off, disoriented. “Bed, Nicky.” Alex said softly. Nicky crawled in beside him, falling asleep with a hand clutching tight to Alex’s shirt. When Alex woke up in the morning, he could feel a distant drowsy glow at the back of his mind, something gentle that threatened to slip away if pushed to hard. He closed his eyes again, focusing on it. He wondered what he felt like to Nicky. “G’morning.” Alex whispered, slinging an arm around Nicky’s waist. “Ugh.” Nicky groaned, opening his eyes a bit, peering at Alex through the slits. “S’too early.”Alex focused on the bond, trying to project all his pent-up love for Nicky at it. He felt the glow brighten and Nicky smiled lazily at him. “Hey.” “What does bond feel like for you?”Nicky blinked slowly. “Like...like a home. With a floor and walls and a roof.” After Alex had moved to America, he’d learned about tornados. He’d seen on the news the damage they could do, flattening houses and anything in their path. He wondered if that’s how Nicky had felt.“You think you ok? Or maybe take pills one more day?” “Probably one more day.” Nicky admitted, a little sheepish. The bond tensed, embarrassed. “So unfair that you get pot. Everyone on team would be jealous.” He teased, trying to lighten his mood. Nicky froze. The glow in Alex’s mind dimmed. “Don’t tell them all, please.” Nicky said, teeth worrying at his lip. “Ok.” Alex agreed. The bond still wasn’t strong enough for words, or to convey thoughts. It wasn’t even bringing in complex feeling. It was just a trickle, just enough that Alex knew Nicky was there. “To me, bond feels like...like when you fall asleep on me on the plane. It’s warm. But, bond doesn’t drool.”“Fuck you.” Nicky laughed, even as he rolled closer. “I tease, I tease. You only snore, don’t drool.” Alex said, delighted to be teasing him again. “Two away games, after tomorrow.” Alex said, shifting to a more serious note. “Uh huh.” He mumbled. “What you going to do?” Alex felt the bond twinge, something uncomfortable and aching. Even as distant as the pain felt, it made Alex sick to his stomach. “Nicky?”“Yeah?” He asked weakly. “Need medicine?” Alex guessed. The bond was starting to throb, maybe in time with Nicky’s heart. Alex’s throat felt tight. “Please.” “I get.” He returned with the pills and a cup of water. Afterwards, he crawled back into bed, rubbing Nicky’s arm. “Was that from the bond being numb?” “Yeah.” Nicky closed his eyes. “Sorry, I don’t know why that happened.”Alex suspected his question stressed him too much. The prospect of being left behind was almost as bad as traveling with the team but not being cleared to play. “Tomorrow, doctors decide if concussion better or not. Then, see if you go on roadie.” Alex decided. Nicky unwound a bit. “Yeah, ok.” Alex could feel the medicine kicking in; the bond felt like warm sand covering his body, spreading across him. He wanted to curl up and go back to sleep beside him. “Is there practice today?” Nicky asked. “Yeah. But you stay home, rest.” Nicky hummed in agreement. After practice, Mike came over, helping Alex carry in food. Nicky had moved to the couch, but he looked half-asleep, his eyes heavy. The bond was still faint, Alex had only a notion of the connection. “You look better.” Mike said. “Scoot over.” He patted his knee, smiling when Nicky shuffled to one side. “Hey.” Nicky said, a dopey smile on his lips when Alex stepped into view. Alex dropped their sandwiches on the coffee table and kissed Nicky’s forehead. “Bond is getting better.” He observed. “Yeah.” Nicky slumped against Mike’s side, letting him throw his arm around Nicky’s shoulders. “What’d they give you?” Mike asked, chuckling. “You’re like a limp noodle.” He picked up Nicky’s hand and dropped it back to his leg for emphasis. Nicky’s cheeks flushed pink. “It’s, uh, its…” He stammered. Mike’s eyes widened as his delighted smile grew. “Did you get pot? Oh my god, are you high?” He laughed. “Uh, no, I- I-“ “Doesn’t have the good stuff.” Alex said, deciding to show Nicky some mercy. “Pill doesn’t have THC.” “That’s really cool, actually.” Mike said. He squeezed Nicky. “You know I was just teasing you, yeah?” “Uh huh.” Nicky said, blinking in confusion. “Don’t be mean, he’s had bad few days.” Alex said to Mike. “Nicky, eat.” They ate in companionable silence. Afterwards, Mike and Alex played video games while Nicky dozed off between them. Barely awake, Nicky yawned. “You’re bad at this game.” He teased Alex, poking him with his foot. Alex snorted. “You try.” He said, thrusting the controller into his hands. Nicky stared at it for a long moment, until Mike’s player shot his. “Hey…”, he protested mildly. Mike laughed. “C’mon, at least try.” Alex took the controller back after Nicky accidentally walked off the stage a second time. “Oh, Nicky…” He said, ruffling his hair. Nicky frowned at him and Alex felt a begrudging fondness ebbing across the weak bond. “Love you.”“Love you too.” Nicky murmured, eyes closing. “Gross.” Mike said, even as he let Nicky snuggle closer to him. He shot Alex a broad grin over Nicky’s head. By the time Alex herded Nicky upstairs that night, the bond had almost returned to its normal strength. Nicky was more clear headed and Alex could feel how he was more like his usual self. Nicky reminded Alex to brush his teeth, uncomplicated happiness rippling through the bond when Alex elbowed him, jockeying for position in front of the sink. After, they curled up in bed together and Alex fell asleep as Nicky sorted some sort of mental to-do list, like he did most nights. Alex was reminded it was his turn to clean the dryer vent- did he want the house to burn down?- just as he was slipping into slumber. He woke to his phone ringing, answering it with his eyes still closed. “Hello?”“Alex? This is Dr. Epema.” She greeted him. “How is everything going?”Alex could feel Nicky through the bond, asleep and content. It felt normal again, like a hose that had been unkinked. “Better. Bond is back.”“That’s great.” She said. “I understand Nicklas will be evaluated today. I’ve talked to Dr. Symon and she agrees with my assessment; she’s going to prescribe the new pills today. She’ll go over all this with Nicklas as well, I just wanted to give you a heads up.”“New pills help with bond problems?” He asked, keeping his voice low. “Yes, they should. It’s a fairly new treatment but all the studies are promising. There aren’t any serious complications.” She paused, letting him absorb the information. “I should warn you, it’s possible the dependency will never fully resolve but we will be able to make it much more tolerable if you are ever separated again.” “Ok. Good.” “Well, I’m glad everything is going well. I’ll let you get back to your day.” She said cheerfully. Alex yawned once he hung up, blinking sleep from his eyes. He rolled over and kissed Nicky, morning breath be damned. ‘Gross’ Nicky teased, the bond glowing warm and bright. ‘I love you.’ ‘Love you too.’