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He’d known her for what felt like his entire life, when in reality it had only been just over a year. Still, she managed to ingrain herself deeply into his life. Mutual friends introduced them at a birthday. He assumed that it was a set up, maybe a fling, but as they started talking that night he realised that she was so much more than that. She had never pursued anything further than friendship with him, hard as it was with him travelling so much, and so when they were able to see each other, the time was spent just talking about their lives. He had so much going on in his, it was refreshing to be faced with someone that wouldn’t shove him into the spotlight and have him recount every moment of his life back to them. He was genuinely interested in her life, simple as it might seem, he missed the normal things of life, going to a grocery store, maybe a theme park, just to the movies without a crowd of photographers or fans following him around like lost puppies. He supposed that he lived vicariously through her normal experiences, wishing at times that he could disappear into anonymity with her. It was incredible how quickly they connected. He’d always had a lot of female friends; it wasn’t anything new to him. But the way that they connected, the speed at which it happened stunned him. He’d only had that happen with one other person in his life, Harry. It was foreign for him to put his trust in someone so easily, for him to bond with someone else that wasn’t sharing his experiences with him, but it happened and he couldn’t be happier. She kept him grounded, she neutralised him from the hype that was his life and brought him back to reality when he needed it. All she had to do was be herself and he felt like he was himself again. It was tempting to get completely caught up in who he was and what his life was, but at the crux of it all, it wasn’t real and it wasn’t who he wanted to be. She reminded him of that.It was ten months into their friendship that he realised that he might be developing deeper feelings for her. She was talking about something silly, a conversation she’d shared with someone at her work that she didn’t much like and it was in that small moment that he recognised that he might be a little bit in love with her. He shut down the idea of course, he just missed her. He put it down to being homesick and being too swept up in the life of fame and being brought back down to reality that was making strange feelings appear when she spoke. She used her hands when she talked to describe things. If she was talking about an email that she sent she actioned out typing on a keyboard as she spoke, as if it emphasised what she was talking about, when she mentioned speaking on the phone with her mother in the past week she held her hand up to her ear as a makeshift phone as she impersonated her mother. Louis didn’t think that he’d met anyone as animated when they spoke as she was. She laughed loudly. It was contagious. He’d once commented on how much he loved her laugh, how no matter he was feeling as soon as he heard that, for want of a better word, cackle, he immediately smiled. She didn’t laugh loudly around him for a long time after that. He meant it as a compliment but he knew that she didn’t see it that way. It wasn’t until their mutual friend Oliver made an extremely dirty joke that the cackle was back. She blushed immediately after seeing Louis smile contently at the sound. She shook her head and shrugged as if she was tired of hiding her laugh and he couldn’t be more pleased. The more she laughed, the more he smiled. Her laugh made it seem like every joke, every story was the funniest thing that she’d ever heard in her life. When she spoke to people she made them feel like they were the only person in the room. She focused so clearly on them that they couldn’t help but feel special after speaking to her. She was encouraging, kind, funny; she made people feel welcome, safe and accepted and maybe that was one of the reasons Louis found it so easy to fall for her.Louis tossed and turned with the idea of telling her how much she meant to him but every time he tried he backed out. The timing wasn’t right, other people were around, he didn’t know what to say to her; the list of excuses went on and on and on. Still he couldn’t pluck up the courage to tell her what he was feeling. She saw several different guys over their time as friends. Louis tried hard to like them, he really did, at least that’s what he told himself, but there was always something wrong with them. He didn’t like how she acted around one of them, he didn’t like that guys’ sense of humour, that guy was too protective over her, that guy checked out another girl at the bar when she went to the bathroom and that one guy that just seemed like he was a bit of a dick, and so that list became quite extensive. Granted the relationships didn’t go for long, that is, until she met David. As much as Louis didn’t want to, he liked David. He was funny; Louis didn’t mind admitting that he was quite attractive; he was kind and extremely loyal. Louis was sure that they would have been great friends, but she was standing between them. Louis knew how much she wanted them to get along, insisting that they were so similar that it was ridiculous to her how they were not already friends. He wanted to reply that “if they were so similar why didn’t she just date him instead?” but he held himself back, shrugging his shoulder nonchalantly and insisting that he did like David, he just didn’t need to be best friends with the guy.She was happy and if Louis really boiled down to the point, that was all he really wanted for her. She was his friend, his very good friend and he wanted her to be happy. He wasn’t sure how far his feelings went for her. He wasn’t in love with her, but he knew that there was something there, something that was more than friends. When they went out together, people speculated that they were together and she just laughed it off, as did David, which surprised Louis. David would say “well who wouldn’t want to date her” right before he would kiss her on the forehead and she would look lovingly into his eyes and Louis would need to excuse himself quickly from the situation, telling himself that it was awkward for him to be there and denying the truth of the jealousy that flared when he saw them together.Louis tried to date other women, but they just weren’t right for him. He didn’t want to lead them on and even though they were beautiful both inside and out he knew that something was wrong. He didn’t compare them to her, but he was searching for something similar. He wanted that friendship, that deep level of trust that they had in each other, that had developed over their friendship. He wanted connection, he wanted to relate with these girls the way that Louis and she did but there was always something missing. There were a few women that came so close and he thought that he was finally over this little crush that he had for her, but then something would stop him and he couldn’t fully commit. It wasn’t because of her, he wasn’t secretly pining for her, waiting for her to leave David and declare her undying love for Louis, because he knew that that was never going to happen. It was all him. He was scared to commit. What if they left him? What if it was just for the fame? What if they couldn’t keep up with him? He didn’t trust. He refused to trust them, it was like he was waiting for them to prove themselves to him but he didn’t give them the opportunity to before he was running again.—“I think you need to get back on the dating horse again.” She said loudly into the silence that had settled between them as they sat on chairs in his back yard trying to soak up some of the scarce English sun.“I didn’t realise I was off it.” Louis laughed shielding his eyes from the brightness as he looked at her.“You’ve not been on a date in so long.” She whined at him.“That’s a problem because…?” Louis asked as he sat back in his chair and took a long drag if his dwindling cigarette.“You need to get laid.” She answered simply making Louis laugh and choke slightly on the smoke in his lungs.“Are you offering?” He spluttered, trying to get the joke out before she did.“Sure. Have at it. Let’s go.” She rolled her eyes at him sarcastically. “I’m just saying, you get a bit moody when you’ve not sowed them oats in a while.”“Moody? Me?” Louis mimicked in mock horror. “Moi?”“Yes you, dick.” She laughed lightly shading her eyes and looking across at him.“Well I never.” He shook his head and put out the cigarette on the ash tray next to him.“David said…” She started before Louis cut her off.“No, absolutely not. You aren’t setting me up.” Louis shook his head as he spoke. He couldn’t think of anything worse, the girl he had some feelings for setting him up on a blind date. No thank you.“You’ve not even heard what I was going to say.” She pouted, half grinning at him, as if she knew that he was always going to say no to her, but she loved to rile him up anyway.“It started with “David said” and that was enough for me.” Louis said air quoting his words with his fingers.She laughed loudly and Louis smiled in response. She stopped laughing abruptly and sighed heavily.“What’s wrong?” Louis asked sitting up properly to look at her. The mood shifted suddenly and he could tell something was on her mind.“It’s nothing really.” She answered sighing heavily pausing briefly before continuing suddenly. “Except that there is something.”Louis fought the urge to laugh; she was never good at biting her tongue. They were extremely similar in that way.“It’s David. Can I talk to you about this? Are we ok talking about this?” She asked hesitantly sitting up from the chair and facing Louis directly.“Sure. I don’t see why not.” Louis trying to shrug casually but his curiosity was getting the better of him.“It’s… I mean this is a thing that I would girl chat with but all my friends are completely in love with him and won’t hear a negative thing about him.” She shook her head as she rambled on.“Hey. Love. It’s fine. What’s on your mind?” Louis stopped her from over thinking it as she took a deep breath.“It’s just…. I don’t think it’s going to work with him.” She let out a long breath and her shoulder slumped slightly, as if she had been carrying a weight around for a long time and was finally able to drop it. Louis’ stomach contracted slightly and he frantically searched her face with his eyes for any indication that she was going to continue.“I mean… he’s perfect right? He’s amazing, he’s so great… there’s just… something isn’t right.” She said after a long pause.“What is it?” Louis asked quietly, he felt nervous; he had no idea why he felt nervous.“That’s the thing.” She said loudly, looking up from the ground at Louis properly. “I have no idea what it is. I just know that it’s not right.”Louis played with his bottom lip as he thought that over. He knew what she meant of course, that was all of his relationships for the past year. Great, amazing, brilliant but something wasn’t right.“Do you love him?” Louis asked abruptly.“Yes.” She answered automatically blinking quickly.“Truthfully. Do you love him?” Louis asked again seriously.This time she hesitated, opening and closing her mouth as she tried to formulate an answer before finally shaking her head.“Not in the way that he deserves to be loved.” She sounded defeated and broken; as if the strain of holding onto something and finally letting it go took a physical toll on her. “I want to love him. I really do Louis.” Her sad eyes met his and he could feel himself hurting for her.“Sometimes it just doesn’t work like that.” Louis sighed heavily.“How am I meant to break his heart? How does a person do that?” She asked before chewing on her bottom lip in frustration and looking at the grass under her feet.“I… I don’t know. I guess honesty is the best policy.” Louis didn’t know what he was meant to say to her. She’d been with David for a fair amount of time and this had to have been weighing on her for a while.“You know when you were in school and if you wanted to break up with someone, your friend could do it for you?” She asked looking back up at him.“Yes.” Louis chuckled lightly.“Can you be that friend for me now?” She smirked at him, sadness still in her eyes.“You’re asking me to break up with your boyfriend for you?” Louis grinned at her.“That’s exactly what I am asking.” She confirmed nodding seriously.“I’m going to have to deny you this one request unfortunately Love.” Louis smiled at her, empathy in his eyes as he looked at her.She sighed dramatically, “What good are you then?” she asked throwing herself back on the chair.“I’m a great drinking buddy.” Louis suggested smiling at her slightly more relaxed figure.“That you are.” She agreed smiling again.“Do you want to talk about it some more?” Louis asked cautiously.“No. I know what I need to do. I just need to do it… but not right now. Right now I want to pretend like I’m still a good person.” She sighed sadly.“You are a good person Love. I promise.” Louis responded sincerely before he sat back in his chair and silence fell over the pair of them once more.— It was almost a month before Louis heard from her again. She turned up to this house a bottle of wine in one hand and a movie in the other.“I did it.” She said pushing past him and making herself at home.“Hello, how are you, please do come in, make yourself at home.” Louis mocked to the empty doorway.“Shut up.” He heard her call out from the living room and laughing he closed the door and went to join her.“So what happened?” He asked closing his laptop where he had previously been working on some lyrics to a new song.“Three weeks ago…” She started before Louis cut her off with a loud exclamation.“Three Weeks!”“Yes, shut up. I’m talking.” She shook her head at him, not hiding the grin on her face.“Three weeks ago we sat and we talked about everything like adults.” She said pausing and playing with a cushion on the couch they were sitting on.“Like adults. So far so good.” Louis commented his gaze fixed on her fingers as she fiddled with a loose strand on the cushion.“I know. So we talked about what we were doing and what we were feeling. It was all very emotionally charged.” She hesitated before continuing. “So we were feeling all these things” she said, sarcastically shuddering as she emphasised her words. “And… we kind of ended up… screwing.”“You what?” Louis almost laughed, he should have expected something like that but he was still shocked.“Well yeah, it was all very emotional, and one thing led to another and we just… you know.” She said shrugging her shoulders and looking around the room sheepishly.“This is the worst break up story I’ve ever heard.” Louis smiled at her, seeing that there was still a bit of hurt behind her eyes, even as she tried to joke about it.“Well I’ve not finished yet have I?” She scoffed before she readjusted herself on the chair and continued. “So that was three weeks ago and we’ve talked about it a couple of times since then…” her voice slowly trailed off.“You fucked didn’t you?” Louis raised an eyebrow at her.“Not in so many words.” She answered guiltily.“How many words do you need?” Louis rolled his eyes at her.“Well. Ok. Yes, we did. But I realised that he was just trying to stop us from breaking up.” She said quietly.“Oh really? You picked that up did you? Was that after the fourth or fifth time?” Louis asked sarcastically and stopping himself from rolling his eyes so far back in his head that he would fall off the chair.“Shut up. I know. You don’t need to make me feel worse.” She covered her face with her hands in embarrassment.“No. Love. Ok. Sorry.” Louis was grinning as he tried to pull her hands away. “Sorry. Really. Go on.” She let her hands drop and grimaced at him before she started to speak again.“So then last week we were doing it again.” She held up her hand to stop Louis from interrupting. “By “doing it”, I mean talking about it.” She smiled and dropped her hand when she saw Louis wasn’t going to interrupt her. “And he tried to do the same kind of moves and I nearly gave in, but I remembered that we weren’t going anywhere and this was just making it harder so I stopped him and we actually talked about it and then… I dunno. We broke up.” She finished.“That’s it?” Louis asked surprised.“What?”“I don’t know. I was just expecting something more. A fight or I don’t know, he comes to your house in the middle of the night blaring music outside your window declaring his love for you.” Louis shrugged.“I mean we did fight, and it was hard, but we ended it.” She replied quietly, playing with the cushion again.“Wait.” Louis said suddenly and she looked back up at him. “You said last week? This happened a week ago and you’re only telling me now?”She nodded in response.“Why are you only telling me now?” Louis was incredulous.“Well I was grieving wasn’t I? I didn’t really want to go about shouting it out in the streets, did I?” She replied slightly miffed.“I’m not saying that. I would have just liked to have been there for you.” Louis answered softly. She still looked sad, as much as she tried to hide it.“Why?” She asked stiffly, Louis watcher as her eyes studied him intently.“Because you are my friend?” Louis answered slowly and it sounded like a question.“Oh. Right. Yeah, thanks.” She smiled awkwardly at him and rubbed the back of her neck uncomfortably. “Anyway.” She shuddered as if she was shaking something off her back. “That’s done now. So…”“So you want to have a drink?” Louis tilted his head to the bottle of wine that was sitting on the coffee table between them.“Yes, desperately!” She answered grinning at him and he couldn’t help but smile in response.—She and Louis sat comfortably at the table having just finished the meal she’s prepared for them.“Well that was fabulous.” Louis sighed contently.“I should go on one of those cooking shows, like… that… what’s it called?” She said slowly the wine she’d consumed at dinner made her measure her speech.“The Great British Bake Off?” Louise suggested, smiling at her from across the table.“No. I’m shit-house at baking. No that…” She was silent as she was thinking. “COME DINE WITH ME!” She suddenly yelled making Louis flinch. “I’d be so good that at show.” Her voice was softer now as she regained the confidence in her words.“I think you’d do splendidly at that show. Don’t they have to make dessert or something? Isn’t that baking?” Louis asked as he studied her as she thought it over.“Yes. But I would just make something like… fruit.” She said deliberately still trying to figure out what she would cook.“Fruit?” Louis laughed loudly. “You’re just going to bang up a plate of fruit and say “There you go loves tuck in!”“Shut it. I haven’t finished.” She chuckled.“What’s your big reveal? Ice-cream?” Louis continued to laugh as she shook her head at him.“Shut it would you.” She laughed along with him. “Besides, who said fruit and ice-cream is such a poor dessert?”“Any of your dinner guests I’ll waiver.” Louis held his stomach as he laughed, delighted when he heard her join in.Things had begun to settle again, back to their old routine and Louis was content. Which was of course a lie that he continued to tell himself. He was content as he
could be without the niggling voice in the back of his head reminding him of his ever growing feelings for her.
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“I’m so glad I met you.” She sighed as they relaxed out on the balcony of her apartment few weeks later.“Me too.” He grinned looking over at her. They were both dimly lit by the poor excuse of a candle that sat on the table between them. She had said that Maintenance was coming to fix the light that was above them, but then, she had been saying that for over two months. Louis preferred this light anyway, it made it seem like they were hardly even there, like they were just consciousness, not in bodily form, just two beings existing in almost nothingness.“Can I ask you a question?” She asked breaking the comfortable silence that had settled over them.“You just did.” Louis replied grinning stupidly at her.“Ha, ha.” She laughed sarcastically and although Louis couldn’t see it, he knew that she was rolling her eyes at him.“Sorry. Go ahead.” Louis said still grinning at her.“What do you think that… you… what do you want in life?” She stumbled over her words as she tried to work out what she wanted to say.“Wow. That was deep.” Louis said letting out a long breath as he thought over her words. He saw her shrug at his comment out of his periphery vision.“What do I want?” He asked aloud, mostly to himself. “I guess I want what most people want, I want to be successful, happy and I want to make other people happy.” Louis listed off. “What do you want?”She was quiet for a long time as she thought it over.“I want… I want to be loved.” She finally answered quietly.“You are!” Louis answered automatically.“No I mean like… I want to have someone in my life.” She sighed and he saw her run a hand through her hair and pull at some knots as she spoke. “I want to have a slow burning love. I’ve always had everything so fast and raced and intense. I don’t want that anymore. I want it to be slow and careful. I want it to be totally… I don’t know… full I guess. I want it to be long and I just feel like I don’t have that anywhere in my life at the moment.” Louis listened carefully to her monologue as his mind raced over time. Was this the moment that he told her that he liked her, that he really liked her, that he might love her a little bit?“Does that make any sense?” She asked sounding slight dejected.“No. Yeah. I mean, yeah it does.” Louis voice cracked with nerves as he answered. “Do you ever think that the person you are looking for is already part of your life?”She shrugged in response, “I honestly don’t know. It would make things easier wouldn’t it?” She chuckled softly.“Yeah. Yeah it would.” Louis agreed trying to pluck up the courage to say what he needed to.“What’s wrong?” She asked unexpectedly and he glanced up at her quickly before looking away.“What?” He tried to play it off as nothing but she could hear the hesitancy in his voice.“What’s wrong with you? I know you Louis. Something’s off.” She was fully facing him now, totally concentrating on him. It was now or never and he wasn’t sure if he was totally prepared for the now.“Why do you have to read people so well?” Louis asked chuckling slightly.“Not people. Just you. And you are easy to read. You wear everything on your face.” She replied seriously, still studying him.“You can’t even see me.” Louis argued smiling at her.“More than you know. Stop stalling, tell me what’s wrong.” She said quietly. It was in this moment that Louis could tell her everything, even though there wasn’t much to tell.“There’s nothing wrong.” Louis said carefully hearing her scoff in response. “That’s the truth, there is technically nothing wrong.” He repeated before letting a heavy silence settle over the both of them.“Just spit it out already.” She groaned as the tension between them built.“I like you.” Louis blurted out so quickly that some of his words ran together. There was a second of silence between them before she replied.“I like you too.” She sounded confused.“No. I mean I like you.” Louis repeated.“Oh.” She sat backwards slightly, the movement was jolted in comparison to anything previous.“Uh, yeah.” Louis played with his fingers nervously. He had no idea where this conversation was meant to go from there.“Louis… I…” She started to speak but Louis held up a hand quickly stopping her.“Hey. No. You don’t need to say anything. It’s fine.” He knew he shouldn’t have said anything, he should have just gone to the grave with it.“It’s important.” She insisted. “Louis. I like you. I really do. I’m so glad that you are in my life. But I… I don’t feel like that. I’m sorry.”“You really don’t need to be apologising.” Louis chuckled, but the sound was hollow in his own ears. “It’s just a thing. It doesn’t have to change anything.” Louis shook his head.“But it does change things.” She rebutted, she was closing up, Louis could tell.“It really doesn’t.” Louis assured her. “You are my friend first and foremost. I won’t mention it again.”“Ok.” She nodded and he could see her silhouette relax slightly. Silence settled over them again as they listened the sounds of the streets of London at night.“Can I ask how long for or is that weird?” She asked quietly.“It’s not weird. Couple of months, I guess.” Louis shrugged casually.“A couple... a couple of months!” She exclaimed. “Why didn’t you say anything?”“Well… what was I meant to say?” Louis laughed and it was a proper laugh this time as he was entertained by her astonishment.“Something! Anything!” She replied nearly shouting.“Would it have changed anything?” Louis was shaking his head at her outrage.“Hmm.” She paused before bursting out again. “Well I guess now we’ll never know.” She huffed. “I can’t believe you didn’t say anything.” She said under her breath and Louis snorted in response.“It’s not a big deal.” Louis answered dubiously.“But it is!” She replied indignant.“You’re making it a big deal.” Louis stated simply.“Mostly because I’m flattered.” She said giggling. “I’m sorry Louis. I really am.”“You’ve nothing to apologise for. But I do need to go home. It’s late.” Louis said standing up and stretching out his stiff muscles.“You can stay here.” She offered as she watched him stretch.“What are you offering?” Louis wiggled his eyebrows at her suggestively.“Oh gosh. I think those jokes might be ruined now.” She groaned as she stood up and blew out the candle on the table, making almost no difference to their lighting situation.“Who said I was joking?” Louis smirked at her seeing her shake her head in a disapproving manner in response. “I am joking though.” Louis laughed as he pulled her into a hug.“I should think so.” Her voice was muffled as her head rested lightly on his chest. It was in that moment that Louis fully realised the heartbreaking truth. He did like her, he really did, and she didn’t feel the same. They were just friends. Louis was ok with that on some level, as long as they stayed friends. He’d taken a leap of faith and said what was on his mind. She rejected him but as long as they could stay friends he wouldn’t be disabled by it. It was in that moment that he relished in the feeling of her warmth pressed up against his chest. He held her tightly, as if this was the last time that she would let him hold her, as if this was the last time that he would see her. He held her.“You’re going to suffocate me if you don’t let go soon.” Her muffled voice laughed from somewhere around his chest.“Why do I feel like I’m not going to see you for a while?” Louis sighed as they separated.“I don’t know. But you will.” She comforted him as they walked back inside her small apartment and she flicked on some lights along the way.“This doesn’t change anything between us.” Louis said seriously as they approached the front door.“No. It doesn’t.” She agreed smiling at him. “You’re still you. I’m still me.”“Exactly.” Louis nodded feeling slightly better. “See you soon.” He hugged her briefly before exiting her apartment, wishing that he never said anything, wishing that he said so much more; wishing he wasn’t going home tonight.—“Hey, you aren’t retuning my calls. I’m getting worried. I thought nothing was changing and it feels like it has… call me back.” Louis left a message on her voicemail after the phone rang out again. He hadn’t been pushy, he hadn’t hounded her with calls or text messages, he just missed his friend and it felt like everything shifted that night, even though she promised him that it wouldn’t.Louis kept himself busy. There was a new album to be writing and for the first time in a long time he felt like he had a lot of material to write about. Unrequited love being on the top of his list. He tried to not let her silence bother him, but it did, as it would anyone. She was less active on her social media, but still popping up the occasional tweet or Facebook status. It was because of that that Louis didn’t appear at her apartment and start pounding the door down. She needed space and he could accept that. It wasn’t like they spent every second of the day together usually but after almost three and a half weeks of silence Louis was beginning to get fed up. He thought that maybe she was trying to distance herself from him so that he could get over her, but all it was doing was making him angry at her. He just wanted to spend time with her, he wasn’t proposing. He had only said that he liked her, he didn’t suddenly declare that he loved her, because that would be ridiculously stupid and Louis wasn’t one to declare his feelings that easily, especially when he couldn’t read the situation if it was welcome or not.She was the one that forced him to fess up what was on his mind, but then she ran away from him, she hid from him. The least she could do was return a message. Let him know that everything was ok and she would contact him when she was ready. Louis would be ok with that, but this radio silence was infuriating him. He’d already written several songs, many of which he threw away knowing that they were terrible, about how he was feeling, he didn’t know what else to do with all this pent up energy he was feeling. He’d bought at least thirteen new soccer balls and practiced shooting them into the goals in his back yard but even that got wearisome after a while. He called his friends and they spent time together, he even threw a few parties but they seemed empty without her cackling laugh echoing around the halls of his house.He wasn’t going totally crazy without her. He still had a life and he was still living it, doing the things he needed to, more than anything he missed his friend. He missed how she brought him back down to earth, how she was so incredibly sarcastic about everything, how she always had something happening in her life, he just missed her. But he wouldn’t let it crush him. There was more to him than just her in his life. He would keep going with his life and when she was ready she would call him back. That was that.—Louis sat on his very large, very comfortable couch with a steaming cup of tea held in his hands. He was just about to start watching a television show that people had been hounding him about for weeks, insisting that if he was getting time off he should try and catch up on what “normal” people talked about in social gatherings. Apparently that meant watching a documentary series about murder. He’d just settled down, found the television show and pressed play when his doorbell sounded. It was 2pm on a Tuesday. He wasn’t expecting a package and he wasn’t expecting a person. He sat quietly, pausing the show, listening out for any movement at the front of his house. There was silence for a long while then a few raps of someone’s knuckles on his wooden door. Perhaps they would just leave. He’d just gotten comfortable. He really didn’t want to get up.Again the doorbell sounded this time adjoined by the sound of knuckles knocking on his door. Groaning and carefully placing the hot mug on his coffee table Louis went to answer the door.Thick woollen socks covered the noise of any movement, he was in specifically house clothes, meaning he look absolutely dreadful, but he was extremely comfortable. If was the paparazzi knocking on his door to ask him about some other stupid rumour he would be livid.Carefully he unlocked the door and opened it slowly.There she was. Standing in front of him, eyes bright and hands clasped together in front of her, grinning toothily at him.“Have you got a moment?”
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Louis stood at the open door speechless, something that was a rarity for him. He shook himself out of his daze and silently stepped aside for her to enter.“I’m not used to you being polite.” He said as she shrugged off her coat. “Usually you just barge right in.” She smiled at him in response but didn’t say anything. He went back to the living room where his cup of tea was still waiting for him.“I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” She said as she sat on the couch next to him.“Not at all. I was just catching up on some T.V that I have apparently missed out on.” Louis answered, his eyes flicked over the television screen that was showing an image of the opening credits. “Can I get you a drink?” He offered as he watched the steam rise on his mug.“No. Thank you.” She answered politely, looking around the room like she’d never been there before. There was a long and awkward silence between them as Louis waited for her to speak and she avoided his eyes contact. Finally Louis cut it when the tension was mounting and becoming too much for him to bear.“So, what’s been happening?” He asked casually. He was sure that nothing in their friendship needed to change so he was adamant that he would talk to her how he usually would.“Oh you know… life and things.” She answered vaguely still avoiding his eye contact.“Ok.” Louis replied slowly, she was nervous and holding something back. She would say it when she was comfortable enough, but for right now Louis would need to wait it out. Louis drank his tea slowly, avoiding eye contact with her. A few times she took a deep breath as if she was going to say something but then would huff it back out in frustration and choosing to stay silent. Louis finished his drink and took the mug back into the kitchen, hoping that with him being in a separate room she would have some space to be able to say whatever was on her mind.When Louis entered the lounge room again she was no longer sitting, but pacing back and forth around the room and chewing her thumb nail.“You ok?” He asked cautiously. He’d never seen her so nervous before.“I’m…. no.” She sighed heavily stopping briefly to look at him.“Just tell me what’s wrong.” Louis tried to remain casual but her nerves were contagious.“I don’t know how to say it.” She replied nervously, her voice cracked slightly.“Just… I don’t know. It’s me. What could be that bad?” Louis asked shrugging at her. It didn’t have to be like this. It didn’t have to be so awkward and as much as Louis hated it, he had put them in this position. He was the one that said that he liked her and this was his fault that she couldn’t look at him properly.“Ok. So, the other night…” She began as she squared her shoulders and looked directly at Louis.“You mean almost a month ago?” Louis asked, reminding her of the long amount of time that had past between them from when they last spoke.“It wasn’t.” She denied shaking her head.“It was, but go on.” Louis encouraged as he saw the realisation settle behind her eyes.“Well… that night… you said some things.” She hesitated before she continued.“I said one thing in particular I seem to remember.” Louis crossed his arms as he spoke to her.“Well… yes… that.” She swallowed heavily, her hands were twisting themselves together as she tried to let out some of the nervous energy that was in her body. “Do… do you still feel like that?”“Like what? That I like you? Of course I like you.” Louis answered casually. This couldn’t be what she was so nervous about.“No. I mean… do you like me?” She asked again, emphasising her words with her eyebrows. Louis thought for a moment as he watched her standing anxiously from across the room. Of course he still liked her like that; a few weeks of silence didn’t change a feeling that had been progressively building over their friendship.“What does it matter?” Louis asked sighing softly. It didn’t matter what he felt, she didn’t feel the same. It didn’t change anything. He just wanted her to start speaking to him again and not have this nervous energy hanging over them each time they were in a room together. If he could take it back, he would, he didn’t want to lose his friend over something so small.“Just answer me. Do you still feel like that?” She asked again, she was biting her bottom lip as she waited for him to respond, he was concerned she was going to split her lip open if he didn’t answer soon.“Yeah I do.” Louis tried shrugging it off. “But like I said, it doesn’t have to change anything between us.”“That’s the problem though.” She sighed heavily, releasing her bottom lip from her teeth. “It has changed things.” She took a small step towards him, her shoulders dropped slightly. This was going to be the end for them, Louis knew it. She didn’t want to be friends with him if she knew that he might want something more. It wasn’t as if Louis was coming onto her in every social interaction they had together. It wasn’t like she was constantly checking her out and trying to make he feel uncomfortable. It shouldn’t have changed anything, but clearly it did to her and she was done with whatever friendship they’d built.“You don’t have too… You don’t…” Louis stuttered over his words. This was a friend break up. They hadn’t even dated and here she was breaking up with him.“We can’t hide from it Louis. I can’t pretend like it’s not there.” She sighed before she sat back down on the couch and patted the spot next to her, indicating that Louis should join her.“You didn’t even know until I said something. We can just go back to how it was. Just forget I said anything.” Louis said quickly as he sat down, his body was angled towards hers, knees almost touching and he fought the urge to reach over and take her hand, a gesture that less than a month ago would have been welcomed; now however it was completely different.“I can’t pretend like this isn’t here Louis.” She said again seriously, the sincerity in her voice made him want to physically recoil from here.“So what do you want to do?” He asked in a soft and sad voice. If this is what she really wanted, he would have to be ok with it. A friendship was with two people, he wouldn’t hound her, and he would let her go. He should have just kept his mouth shut. Stupidly he’d dreamed that she would admit that she felt something building with them and she wanted to give it a shot. Worst case scenario she said that she had feelings but was scared to ruin their friendship and didn’t want to pursue anything.“Well… mostly…” she sighed heavily and Louis cringed at what she was going to say. A thousand thoughts ran through his head as he waited for her to continue.“Mostly, I never want to see you again.”, “Mostly, I want to slap you.”, “Mostly, I wish you’d never said anything.”, “Mostly, I hate you.”, “Mostly, you’ve ruined everything.”, “Mostly, I feel like you were using me.”Everything Louis never wanted to hear her say was echoing in his head.“Mostly Louis… I just want to kiss you.”Louis snapped his head up to look at her, to see if she was kidding, to see if what he heard actually came from her mouth.“Excuse me?” He was stunned, shocked, overwhelmed, surprised, everything all at once.“I just… I want to kiss you.” She said shyly, her scared eyes were running desperately over his face trying to gauge his reaction.“You’ve been ignoring me for almost a month and now you want to kiss me?” Louis asked. “You understand why I am confused by that.”“Yes.” She said nodded her head in earnest. “This probably doesn’t make sense. You know how my brain works sometimes. I just need to sort out my thoughts.”“Please do.” Louis was slightly aggravated. She’d cut him off for a long time and then to just come out with something like that, he was confused and he was a little bit annoyed.“Ok. So.” She took a deep breath before she started to explain herself. “So that night when you told me and I said I didn’t feel the same. That was true. I didn’t. But then I started thinking about it more and more and I thought about how great we are together, how much I love our friendship and I thought “Maybe I might like him too.” But then I was scared. I mean what if I fucked things up between us. What if it ruined our friendship? What then? So then I thought that I should keep my distance. So I did. A week went by and it was just like you’d gone on tour or something, but then you sent me a message or you called me and you left me a message and I don’t know. There was something in me telling me not to call you back not to reply. So I didn’t. But then I woke up this morning and I was lying in bed and I just thought…. I just realised. I need you in my life. You’re the guy that makes me laugh. You’re the one that I think I could spend forever with and not get bored. You’re the guy… just the guy. And I like you. And I don’t want to lose you. And… at the end of it all… I realised this morning… I like you a bit…. I might be a little bit in love with you.”Louis sat shocked, he was sure that his jaw was on the floor. He was so surprised, so stumped by her revelation he had no idea how to respond.“So… that’s it I guess.” She huffed out a breath as she waited for Louis to respond.“I… erm…” Louis cleared his throat. He didn’t know what to think. “You only realised this morning?”“Well, yes and no. I think I realised a while ago but I brushed it off. This morning was just my brain catching up to something I think I already knew.” She answered slowly.“You cut me off.” Louis pointed out.“I did.” She agreed, not trying to hide or deny it.“How do I know you won’t do that again?” He asked.“You don’t. I don’t. I got scared.” She replied simply.Silence hung over them again as they both tried to process what was said.“I don’t know if you are entirely sure or if you just missed me. That’s what worries me.” Louis said quietly. It was more to himself but she heard him. He felt like she didn’t really know what she was saying. She was always fairly impulsive and Louis didn’t know if that’s what this was. He didn’t think that he could do that. If this was all just an impulse, if she didn’t really feel anything right down the heart of it, it just might ruin their friendship and Louis didn’t want that.“I thought about that.” She answered him and he looked up from the spot on the carpet that he’d been staring at.“And?” He prompted when she didn’t continue.“Well I mean it’s a possibility isn’t it? So I thought… if I kissed you, if we kissed I mean… well that would sort it out wouldn’t it?” She tried to shrug casually and failed miserably. It almost made Louis laugh, if only his mind wasn’t so full of information he didn’t know how to process.“You want me to be your practice dummy?” Louis asked slowly.“Well… I mean if it all works out it will be fine right?” She tried grinning at him, but her could see her nerves eating her up.“I want you to be absolutely sure. I don’t want this to all be put down to how well a kiss goes.” Louis said seriously. “There’s not always fireworks and rainbows and butterflies. That only happens when you know what you are feeling and I don’t think that you are there yet.”“The thing is Louis.” She answered. “I know that you are worried about what I am feeling and how I am thinking. I know that it seems sudden and you are confused and you don’t want to be hurt. I know that you just said that you liked me, you weren’t proposing marriage or anything insane like that. I know all that. But I also know me. I know what I am thinking. And ever since I walked into your house today and sat down on this couch with you… all I’ve really been thinking about is… how much I just want to kiss you.” Louis swallowed heavily. It was almost like magnetic force was pulling them together but Louis knew consciously that he was moving towards her. He was going to kiss her. Whether it meant something to her or not. He was going to kiss her. This was going to be it. This was going to be their defining moment. They may not have everything worked out. She might still be toying with the idea of liking him, even finding it somewhere in her to love him as something more than a friend, but for right now, he could kiss her.“Louis.” Her voice was hushed, scared to speak above a whisper.Louis licked his lips, trying to moisten the desert that had suddenly come over him.“Please just kiss me.” She said closing her eyes and closing the small gap what was between them. Their lips connected. Two friends pushing past a barrier into new territory, it could crash down around them or it could create something amazing. For right now Louis could only concentrate on her lips, her warmth, her sincerity, her kiss.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Louis was the first to pull away from the kiss. His heart was hammering in his chest. He thought that people were stupid for saying that just one kiss could change a person, but now he’d experienced it for himself. He swore that something shifted in him.“Shit.” Louis breathed.“Right.” She replied her breath coming out in heavy puffs.“Are we doing this?” Louis asked quietly.She bit her lip slowly and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah we are.” She was smiling at him and Louis swore that her eyes were sparkling at him.“Are you sure?” Louis asked carefully. He didn’t want this to be a mistake, he didn’t want her to regret anything, but most of all, he wanted this, he wanted to be with her, and he wanted to be the one that loved her.“Yeah. I am.” She said quietly and Louis couldn’t help the smile that broke across his face.“But Louis.” She said softly and Louis felt his breath catch in his throat.“Can you please kiss me again?” She asked and he happily captured her lips once more.-“Are you sure we should do this?” She asked as they stood out the front of the house party.“Are you not?” Louis asked smiling at her.“No. I am. I just wanted to make sure you were.” She said quietly.“Yes. I am sure.” Louis laughed.“Ok. Ok.” She took a steadying breath. “Yeah. Ok. Let’s do this.”—“I knew it!” Louis’ friend Kate laughed loudly as they walked into the party. Louis felt himself blush and she squeezed his hand a little tighter.“You would not believe how many nights she called me telling me how much she loved you and she didn’t know what she was going to do and so many other things.” Kate said drunkenly slinging her arm around Louis’ shoulders and making him laugh.“Did she now?” Louis asked looking over at his now girlfriend who was blushing profusely.“Oh you would not believe!” Kate exclaimed. “But let me tell you.” Kate continued after hiccupping. “Can’t believe it took you guys so long.” Kate kissed Louis sloppily on the cheek before dancing away from them.“So… many phone calls?” Louis asked turning to face her properly, seeing a deep red blush on her cheeks.“No!” She said loudly, the blush flaming somehow darker. “Maybe just one phone call.” She admitted.“Just the one?” Louis laughed.“Maybe more than one.” She giggled in response. “I was confused.” She defended.“You’re just a little bit sweet aren’t you?” Louis grinned before kissing her on her temple.“Shut up.” She mumbled but hugging into Louis making him chuckle lightly.—She and Louis spent about two hours at the party before they were both ready to leave.“I’m ready.” She sighed leaning into Louis tiredly.“Ok.” Louis said finishing his beer and standing up and stumbling slightly.“You ok there?” She asked giggling and starring to support his weight.“I may have drunk too much.” Louis hiccupped.“You think?” She chuckled as they started to walk out the party and wave goodbye to people.—Louis kicked off his shoes as they walked into his bedroom together.“Are you staying tonight?” He yawned as he sat down on the bed and fell backwards.“Obviously.” She sighed as she sat down next to him.“You’ve not stayed the night before.” Louis commented as he squinted up at her.“Yes I have.” She scoffed lying backwards and rolling so that she was facing him.“Not… you know… stayed the night.” Louis said wiggling his eyebrows at her suggestively.While they had been dating for a while and were slowly coming around to telling their friends about their new relationship status, they had yet to pass that milestone. Louis had thought about it, of course he had, but he wanted it to be perfect. He wanted to treat her like the woman that she was. There was an issue with crossing from that border of friendship over to a new definition of their relationship. There had been a lot of kissing and a fair few times where they both thought that it was going to go further, something had always interrupted them. A phone would ring, or one of them would have somewhere to be or worst of all they would actually stop and think about what was happening and they would scare each other off, remembering what a good friendship they had before any of this happened and it would take a while to get that thought out of their heads.“What makes you think I’ll be ‘Staying the night’?” She asked sarcastically. Her eyes were running over his face and her cheeks were tinged slightly pink. Louis, while slightly drunk, while wanting to make their first time perfect, while wanting so many things, found that most of all, he just wanted her.“This.” He said rolling over so that she was underneath him and kissing her gently. Her lips were soft and delicate, hesitant to move at first but soon joined the pace of his. He could spend hours kissing her lips, feeling their fullness as they moved against his own, enjoying the small sounds she made when she enjoyed something that he did. Gently Louis opened her mouth and tentatively searched for her tongue. She gladly found his and the taste of the alcohol that she had been drinking flooded his mouth and he reveled in it. She arched her body into his and he ran his hand delicately down her side, trying to feel her, trying to memorize her and trying to grip onto anything he could to stop him from floating away from the bliss that was in her kiss.She moaned lowly and Louis knew that tonight was the night. Tonight was the night that they wouldn’t be interrupted. Tonight was the night that they didn’t have to be anywhere. Tonight was the night that they would forget that they were friends and only know each other as lovers. Tonight was the night that it was just the two of them, together, loving each other as only they could.—Before Louis fully registered what had happened they were both naked, he was kissing her neck and she was making heavenly sounds that caused his hips to rut up against her thigh. Curses were whispered from her lips as he kissed further down her collarbone to her breasts. Full and pert, her nipples stood at attention for him and he could see the gooseflesh cover her skin when he kissed her lightly. Slowly and tenderly he took over of her nipples into his mouth and rolled his tongue around the protruding bud. She groaned, as he tasted her skin, the softness of her against his mouth only added to his pleasure. He continued for a while, giving careful attention to each breast before claiming her mouth again with his own. He was painfully stiff and each time her thigh brushed against him his hips would snap at their own accord. Her hands were in his hair, tugging at the roots as she kissed him and he felt her lift her hips to his trying to create some kind of friction. He felt her wetness come into contact with him and he huffed out a breath he didn’t know that he had been holding. The warmth of her body pushed against him again and he moaned at the contact. Holding himself steadily in his hand he brushed himself up and down her slit, the heat of her body travelling right down to her toes. Slick and hot, she was ready for him and he was beyond ready for her. Lining himself up to her and with their collected lubrication and he pushed himself carefully through her folds. The constriction of her body immediately swallowed him, the tightness of her body causing him to apply more pressure. She gasped and he thought that he had hurt her but the look on her face was of pure ecstasy and so he continued, carefully and slowly. He pushed to a point where her body was welcoming him, not trying to hold him out any longer and he felt the warmth of her body envelope him completely. He’d never felt like this before, so full, so complete, Louis had never felt like he’d found someone who accepted him so completely that he body fit perfectly with hers.Louis found it difficult to move at first, such was the pace at which he entered her, now he didn’t want to move. He could feel every muscle of her move around him and grip him and he settled in her and he didn’t want to leave that. He’d found his home and it was in her.“Louis. Please move.” She begged him huskily before kissing him deeply and his hips slowly extracted himself from her body until just the tip of him was left. Each millimeter that he removed himself from her, he felt her body protest as he closed around him. He would push into her again, feeling that euphoric joy that burst through him when her body accommodated him perfectly. Initially protesting the intrusion before giving way to the pleasure and allowing him full entrance. Louis couldn’t remember a time when sex had been this good for him or this fulfilling. He couldn’t remember a time when the simple gasps of the woman underneath him would be enough to be his undoing. But most of all, Louis couldn’t remember worshipping a woman’s body the way that he wanted to worship hers, he couldn’t remember giving himself to anyone like he was right now.Again and again Louis pulled himself from her and push himself deeply. Her body seemed to be surprised at each reappearance and it didn’t once give way easily before he gripped his body tightly, milking him and trying to pull from him his very essence. Her breathing was coming faster and faster and he found himself picking up his pace. Pushing through her body to hear those heavenly breaths as they panted into his ear. Encouraging him, cursing at him and reassuring him of every thrust. He pulled out of her completely and heard her huff of annoyance as he lent away from her to his bedside table. Pulling out the small foil packet of the condom, he tore it open. It wouldn’t be long before each of them were coming apart and he was sure that he would forget to pull out when that moment came. She nodded in recognition as he rolled the latex down his swollen and red shaft. Collecting some of the lubrication that she and his body had created that was slowly leaking out of her he coated himself before he separated her folds once more and slowly pressed himself deeply into her. He slid in somewhat easily, her body on the edge of orgasm welcomed him home. Then Louis began to move, Backwards and forwards, rutting against her, his hips snapping back into place whenever she moaned in desire. While he couldn’t feel exactly her walls anymore, her body continued to grip and milk his as he pulled him closer to his release. There was a light sheen of sweat across her breasts and Louis swiped his tongue along her to collect the salty taste of her into his mouth. Her knees bent, her feet on the bed pushed her up to meet him thrust for thrust as he moved. The breaths from both of them were coming short and fast as they approached their finale.“Don’t stop.” She encouraged as Louis felt that his body might give way to hers. Hips knocking together as he drove himself deeply into her and he felt himself tighten as the coiling in his stomach began to reach snapping point. Unexpectedly she cried out her pleasure and Louis felt the release of her body coat around his and spill out between their bodies and he pushed himself to the hilt. He joined her in crying out as he felt his body spasm and he poured himself into her, the contractions and jolts of her muscles around him continued to milk him dry as his hips slowed and he relaxed his frenzied movements. His body continued to empty itself into her and he was correct in putting on the condom. There was no way that he would have pulled out in time and he wasn’t entirely sure if her body would have let him.She kissed him deeply and he felt the pins and needles travel from his head to his toes as they both rested in their release.“At last.” She hummed as Louis slowly separated their bodies. Her released coated both of their legs and Louis carefully pulled off the condom, tying a knot in the end to avoid leaking and getting off the bed with shaking legs as he put it in the bin. He threw himself down on the bed beside her. Her cheeks were pinks with exhaustion and she’d never looked so stunning.“That was incredible.” She commented as she rolled towards Louis who opened up his arms for her.“You know what.” Louis said after kissing her forehead and settling into the pillows with her. Both of their bodies were naked and spent, ready to sleep and relax together.“I think I might be a little bit in love with you.”