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He had met Junhui in his first year of University, and the others second, and they easily fell in love. Throughout the two years of Minghao and Junhui’s relationship, he had never seen Junhui cry. Not when his mother called from China and said their family dog died, not when he talked about how much he missed his brother, not even during sad movies when even Minghao cried. To begin with he found nothing wrong with it. Jun wasn’t a crier, that’s fine. But when he got quieter and started locking himself away and only returning when he had red, glassy eyes, Minghao grew concerned.
Minghao was used to the silence. They both liked the silence. Even though Junhui could talk his ear off, they both liked to sit in the silence together. Whether it was quiet mornings, quiet touches or quiet kisses, they both liked to be with each other, so it didn’t matter how quiet it was. Because all that matter was them, together.
When Minghao returned home, the house was quiet, which wasn’t unusual. However the living room was empty, Junhui wasn’t sat on the couch watching television quietly. The lights were off and everything was dead silent. Kicking off his shoes and taking his jacket off Minghao decided that Jun must have stayed behind at the studio to practice a couple dances, which also wasn’t unusual. Grabbing an apple off the table Minghao made his way to their bedroom.
-
Junhui was a crier. He cried a lot, and he hated it. He hated the way he was easily offended by offhand comments, how voice in the back of his head made him feel bad about himself. This resulted in hours at the little studio down the street to make sure he perfected moves, to make sure he was perfect.
Growing up Junhui had been such a happy kid, never frowning and never sad. But as he grew older, things started hurting him more. At first he decided to ignore it, at first he didn’t know what was going on.
The first time tears pricked his eyes he wished them away because he felt hurt for the stupidest reason.
The second time he swallowed his tears and smiled, and no one noticed, so he continued to do that.
Smile.
Because no one noticed how much he was hurting because he smiled. He decided if he never stopped smiling, if he never acted like he was hurt, then he was fine.
Fine.
He was far from that.
When Junhui first met Minghao the boy was so little and skinny. Finding out he was Chinese and couldn’t speak a lot of Korean resulted in Jun deciding to take him under his wing. Make him feel safe, happy. Because when he made someone else happy, maybe he would be happy.
Don’t get him wrong, Junhui wasn’t always upset, usually he was happy. Usually he would swallow all his hurt so he didn’t noticed it and then he would burst. Sometimes he got angry, other times he didn’t want to talk for days, and sometimes he would burst into tears and wouldn’t stop until he had cried every single ounce of pain away.
Whilst dating Minghao he had only had two big breakdowns. He had little episodes where he would excuse himself and cry for a little and would wait until he looked fine. Sometimes afterwards Minghao would ask if he was okay, he would usually nod, smile and give him a kiss.
Because he was fine.
-
The biggest breakdown resulted in their biggest fight. He hated himself for that. It had been a stressful week, exam after exam, and on top of that he had gotten a call from his mother saying that his father had gotten sick again and they weren’t sure if he would make it this time. He had voices in his mind shouting at him.
‘You’re going to fail all your exams.’
‘You didn’t study enough.’
‘You’ll never be good enough, for Minghao, for anyone.’
But at the same time he had his mother voice saying, ‘Your father, he might not make it Junhui.’
The worst thing was he couldn’t go and see his father, if anything were to happen. He couldn’t pause his exams and he couldn’t afford a ticket, his mother apologised saying even they couldn’t afford one for him either.
Angry and upset he walked into their apartment and slammed the door. Frighten, Minghao jumped up.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, don’t worry about it.”
Minghao visibly startled, shook his head and frowned, “No you’re not, tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing. I said just leave me alone okay?” Anger was visible on Jun’s face, because he was angry, but really, he didn’t want to be left alone. He wanted Minghao to hold him and tell him he was okay that everything would be fine, but he was too scared to ask.
“What the fuck, you’re upset and I can tell. Don’t tell me to leave you alone. You aren’t the only one in this relationship.” Minghao’s voice was louder now, he wasn’t yelling, but he sure as hell was close to it.
Running a hand through his hair. Junhui rolled his eyes.
Junhui knew he shouldn’t be taking his emotions out on Minghao, but when a volcano erupts, it doesn’t stop until its empty.
All in all they both ended up saying things that night both of them didn’t mean.
-
The second time was early on in their relationship. They didn’t live together yet, Jun lived in a dorm with a couple of his friends. Junhui was sure Minghao never knew this had happened, and he wanted it to stay that way.
(Minghao knew about it. Wonwoo pulled him into aside and told him sometimes Jun was like this. Sometimes he got so upset he just needed to be left alone.)
Jun remembers waking up and not having the motivation to get up. That’s how those days usually started. Junhui liked mornings. He liked getting up and going for a run or doing something, but when those days happened he would wake up and he wouldn’t move. Nothing would motivate him. Not food, not classes, not his friends, or his boyfriend.
He hated those days. Those days consisted of hurtful comments circling around his head. They were usually louder on days he had something planned, or classes.
‘No wonder you’re going to fail all your classes, you don’t go to them.’
‘Your friends will hate you if you cancel on them, again.’
‘Minghao doesn’t deserve you, he should be with someone who is willing to actually get out of bed.’
His friends usually knew how to spot those days. If Junhui wasn’t out of bed by ten on weekends, then they would probably check on him. If he had classes and wasn’t out of bed an hour before one of them, check on him. If he hasn’t put out four cups in the morning, check on him.
On days he had dates with Minghao he would lay there until he had enough motivation to text Wonwoo to tell Minghao he wasn’t feeling well, or suddenly got busy, or to make up some sort of excuse. Junhui knew it was a shitty thing to do. Junhui also knew he was acting cowardly, but he couldn’t do it himself. Coward or not he would ignore the guilt until he had enough motivation to take Minghao out for a proper date. To make it up to him.
Once Minghao showed up at his dorm because Jun didn’t have enough motivation to text Wonwoo, he remembers Wonwoo coming to his room and telling him Minghao was there. He remembers the look on Wonwoo’s face when he saw Junhui still in bed with a dazed look on his face.
“Tell him I can’t.” He remembers his voice coming out as a hoarse whisper.
He remembers Wonwoo wanting to say more, he remembers wanting Wonwoo to say something, to yell at him, to call him out, but all that happened was a sad smile that fell onto his face and he nodded.
“Text me if you need me, okay?”
Junhui nodded a little before Wonwoo shut the door.
He remembers crying out of frustration because he was a bad friend, a bad person and a bad boyfriend.
(That was when Wonwoo sat Minghao down and told him.
“Sometimes Jun has days where he can’t do anything. I’m pretty sure you know this. But I need you to be there for him. I know I could be asking too much. But you and I both know Jun is a great guy. Sometimes his demons take over and he lets them talk him down and tell him he isn’t good enough. But you know he is and I need you to make sure he knows he is. Okay? If you can’t do that, then you need to leave him. Okay?”
Minghao nodded, he knew this and he could do this. Minghao watched Jun and even though they had only been dating for half a year, Minghao watched Jun enough to know his smiles were sometimes fake and that he blinked his tears away fast enough for people who weren’t watching not to notice. But Minghao liked to watch Jun. So he knew and he would do his best to help him.
“I will.” Minghao promised.)
-
When Jun woke up in his boyfriends arms he felt off. At first he chose to ignore it, he smiled, kissed Minghao, and wriggled out of his arms to get ready for work.
Jun worked in a small cafe where they served coffee, tea and small cakes, most of their customers were University students who either needed a caffeine boost before class or those who were studying. There were occasionally older people who would hang out there but it wasn’t often surprisingly.
Grabbing his jacket and rushing out of their apartment Junhui made his way to work. Already five minutes late, Jun cursed himself.
‘Of course you’re late.’
Walking in he could see that the cafe was busier than it normally was. Hanging his jacket up and grabbing his apron his boss quickly murmured, “You’re late Junhui.”
He nodded, apologising to be better.
‘You’re not good enough, try harder. If you even know how to do that.’
Most of the time Jun could deal with the hurtful teasing voice, but today was different. Today it hurt more, today everything decided to hurt him.
He got three coffee orders wrong, and fucked up two peoples drinks. On top of that he burnt his hand and spilt a drink.
“Fuck up.” He muttered under his breath.
He could feel his bosses eyes glued to him, judging him. He wouldn’t be surprised if he pulled his aside and told him to sort himself out. Junhui had worked this job since his first year of University. Even when he started he hadn’t fucked up this bad.
‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’
‘Not surprised, you’re not good enough to even hold a simple cup of coffee.’
‘Loser.’
It hurt. A lot. Junhui remembers his mother telling him, “Junhui, ‘sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you.’ Always remember that.” What shit that was. He would rather break his arm than hear these words everyday.
“Um, can I get a chai tea?”
Looking up Jun smiled and swallowed the tears.
“Of course, that’ll just be $4.65. Don’t forget to have a great day!”
The customer smiled and paid. Once she walked away Jun sighed. Checking the time it was just past two-thirty. He was finished. Whilst he was checking out his boss walked up to him.
“Hey Jun, are you okay?”
Smiling Jun said, “Yeah, why’d you ask?”
“You messed up a lot of orders today, you aren’t usually like that. I just wanted to check up on you.”
‘He doesn’t care. He’s lying.’
“Oh yeah, sorry, I didn’t really sleep well last night.”
His boss looked at him with eyes full of concern, but he gave him a smile and told him to try and get a better rest tonight.
Nodding, Junhui grabbed his jacket and hurried out the door.
‘Try harder fucker.’
-
Walking into one of the small rehearsal rooms Jun groaned. His hand was hurting where he burnt it and he felt slow. He knew his dancing wasn’t going to be good today, he knew he was going to be here a while.
Everything hurt, inside and out, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him, he was going to perfect this dance even if his heels bled and his ankles were swollen.
When Jun was younger he remembers telling himself, ‘no one can be perfect so don’t worry.’ Now he lives in fear of not being good enough, not being perfect. Junhui thinks if his past self were to look onto his life now he wouldn’t believe it was him. The boy he was today was everything he told himself not to be. Instead of sunshine and lollipops, Junhui lived in a world of tears and fake smiles. When Jun was younger he dreamed to be a dancer, and he kept that dream as he grew, however instead of wowing people, he hid in a small studio with bleeding heels, bruises on his ankles, tears streaming down his face and too strict diets.
‘You’ll never be perfect, why can’t you grasp that fact?’
‘You don’t deserve to be a dancer.’
‘You don’t deserve Minghao.’
That had been floating around his head lately. That he didn’t deserve Minghao. Minghao deserved much better, someone who wasn’t a fucked up, perfection thriving, loser. He deserved someone who didn’t ask themself everyday if life was really worth living, he deserved someone who wouldn’t waste away in bed if he felt bad. He deserved someone who was really happy, who wasn’t faking it.
After three hours of dancing without stopping, the aching in his legs got too much and the mirrors became too judgmental. Walking out of the studio his body began to hurt, not physically, because that was already throbbing, but emotionally and mentally, more than it was before. Usually Junhui could spot when he was going to have a breakdown and he supposes he did have all the signs he just didn’t want to focus on them, but he chose to ignore them because he was fine.
Fine.
Something inside of him laughed.
‘Sure, you’re fine.’
-
Maybe Minghao should’ve expected this sooner. He probably knew somewhere deep down that Junhui hadn’t been fine lately. His smiles seemed faker, his eyes looked dull, and he looked tired. But of course he let himself feed on the constant reassurance that Junhui fed him. Constant lies that he was fine. He had never felt like more of a bad boyfriend until the moment he walked in on his boyfriend laid across their bed with sobs racking his body. Never in his entire relationship had he ever regretted something, until he saw the complete misery on his boyfriends face. At first Minghao didn’t know what to do, he couldn’t just leave the room and call Wonwoo and ask him what he would do, that was pretty shitty.
Junhui then noticed he was in the room and started to move, as if he was trying to get away. Minghao was quick to move to his side and grabbing his hands softly.
Junhui looked him in the eyes. His red eyes accompanied with tears streaming down his face made Minghao’s heart break. The elder looked so broken as if the whole world had given him their problems and then casted him aside. His skin was so pale and sickly as if he wasn’t really human and a ghost cursed to live on forever and seeing his loved ones die. Minghao cupped one side of his face and knew at that moment that he would do anything for him.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” The words were soft and Minghao wasn’t sure if Junhui would even be able to hear them.
“Everything.” The elder replied before collapsing his whole body on the younger and erupting into a new set of tears.
It felt as is Minghao had been hit by a train at full force, maybe a train did hit him, a train of guilt. Junhui had been hurting so badly and Minghao had the audacity to smile and feel happy. His own boyfriend, the man Minghao loved with every single cell in his body was clinging to him like if he didn’t he would fall and never get up, and Minghao didn’t even know why or how to help him. The only thing he could do was hold him closer and run his hands through his hair and down his back.
It wasn’t until Minghao could feel him hyperventilating did he pull back and break the silence.
“Baby I need you to breath for me. Can you do that?” He was met with a sharp shaking of the head and faster breathing.
“Yes you can. Look at me.” The words were soft but stern.
The elder raised his head and Minghao felt his broken heart shatter. His face was pale and covered in tears, his eyes where red and puffy and his body shaking, hands trembling in Minghao’s.
“I-i can’t, I can’t,” another tear fell from his eye, “breath.”
Minghao smiled softly, reaching up and cupping one side of Junhui’s face whipping the fresh tear away, “Yes you can. Now follow my breathing, okay?”
Minghao offered another smile and Junhui nodded slightly. Minghao breathed in and out watched as Junhui copied, slower and shakier. After a while the erratic breathing slowed and regained the normal rhythm.
“See, you did it.” Minghao smiled, and Junhui gave him one in return before his eyes teared up and tears slowly fell from his eyes, down his cheeks unto the bed underneath them.
“No, baby. Junhui honey what wrong?”
“I’m not good enough, you shouldn’t have to deal with this.”
Finally everything registered with Minghao, every little piece fitting into sone sort of sad puzzle. Junhui felt he wasn’t good enough, good enough to date him or good enough in general.
Minghao didn’t know what to say. Never in his life had he had something so fragile in his hands.
“Junnie, baby, I need you to listen to me, okay?”
The boy nodded, wiping at his eyes.
“I know you don’t feel good enough, like everyone else is better than you and you should put them first because you think they are better. But I need you to remember three things. Firstly, I think you are one of the bestest humans in the whole world and no one can convince me otherwise.”
Jun smiled a little, wrapping his arms a little tighter around him.
“Secondly, sweety, someone is going to be better than you, you know how you always tell me I take the best photos?”
Jun nodded.
“Well there’s this girl in my photography class who is so much better than me, but instead of get insecure about it, I use it to my ability and ask her for help and for tips. And I know it’s so hard to get rid of that voice in the back of your head telling you otherwise. But I want to help you, to make it easier so I need you to trust me, okay?”
Junhui nodded again.
“Lastly, I just want you to know I love you so much because I feel like I don’t tell you enough, so... I love you, I love you, I love you.” Minghao didn’t stop until Junhui’s smile was wide and real.
“Thank you.”
-
After a warm shower, the pair were found curled up in their bed, kisses being stolen every few minutes. Taking a step back Minghao could feel a change in the air. He could feel Junhui trusting him, the way when he held him he could fully 110% relax, all bad thoughts not present. He could also state that his love for Jun had grown even more. He didn’t know how it had happened, but it did. Junhui was the one human Minghao couldn’t stop loving given any circumstance.
Junhui felt glad that Minghao had found him crying, a little embarrassed but overly relieved. The pressure and stress finally lifted off his shoulders. Knowing he could always be there for him. Even though there was so much more to get through, Junhui knew Minghao would be there for him no matter what.
They both felt in that moment that everything was going to be fine.