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Selim heard someone knocking at his car window. Slowly raised his head cause was feeling dizzy. Probably had been leaning against the wheel for hours. His face felt numb,and his whole body was in pain. That kind of pain which prohibits air entering your lungs. Was taken by surprise to see kemal's face .-what ?!..His mouth was f..dry but he managed to collect himself. The man was standing silently ,out of the car.-what happened kemal?!Selim raised his tone.Kemal didn't seem to answer anyway. "well then,,,-he thought-" don't keep staring like that you ,freak". He leaned back on his seat with closed eyes. One,two,three...fifty eight, fifty nine,sixty.He counted sixty heartbeats. "sixty useless heartbeats "he thought. "sixty times you breath life, same as the number of bullets that took your brother to grave".He felt his mouth filling with water coming from his stomach and testing like poison. He pushed abruptly the door of his car&fell into his knees. The vomit kept for an instance & now his face was covered in tears&froth.2 strong arms were clutching his left arm & pushing him up-Up! c'mon..Kemal was standing next to him, trying to force him up. Selim was practically upholding on keml's arm but in one..two he was on his feet, yet holding kemal's arm firmly just in case.-what are you doing here?-I..-speak damn it!Speak! –Selim yelled at him& managed to free himself. Searched his inner jacket for smth to clean his face.-I was in the yard, when you left in hurry ,,,and thought you needed...Selim smirked...what can happen Kemal ? Die? God doesn't make me favors anyway..***** That same evening he had wished that, well the last week he had lived wishing each second to die. God was angry with him. His father was furious to him. Just min before closing the front door&driving the car to no -where, his father had wished him death. As if was simple to die. The day of the funeral ,he was on his room, sitting on the pavement staring at his gun.Praying god to have enough courage to do that.He was a mess.Had not slept since Kahraman's death & that meant three days.Left with nothing.No clean conscience, no brothers,no one. He had never felt being part of anything or important to anyone,but his brothers were blood of his own blood."you killed kahraman...you killed kahraman...you killed kahraman...you killed kahraman you killed kahraman ...you killed kahraman"Meanwhile he voiced this,his stomach burnt.Cause he did.No need to put this under other terms... HE DID. Every other intent to explain it otherwise was useless ,not fair&didnt bring his brother back.Left with nothing and no one. yamac had left him years ago too. yamac showing the courage he never had closed their home's front door years ago.Little bro should be a man by now. God he would die to have him near. Since he left ,he only saw him once.4 years ago yamac had suffered an accident with a motorcycle. His crazy bro had practically flied and finished in hospital.A crazy call had woken him up at 4am,the doctor on shift that night happened to have served before in cukur's hospital."He'll wake up in a few min.Hes fine"he was told.And Selim didnt let himself to be found there when Yamac would wake up.But the first and last image of his little brother,lying in a hospital bed haunted him in a long time.He couldnt save yamac back then ,not from cukur's life,not from being hurt,not from longing his family...Damn he was a kid when left and he couldnt stop him or even follow him.He couldn't save Kahraman too.Left with no one.-"Abi?Where is he?"He had heard yamac's voice.Was...not in his head...Was coming from outside the door.Closed his eyes.Opened them-Abi,i came.Selim was still on the pavement when he saw yamac standing at the door.-M ...m m my little brother,Oh yamac ,,,yamac. Covering his face with both hands Selim managed to stand on his feet.-Yamac... brother you came. Boiling tears burnt his face.Hugging his little brother after ten years.Felt like an eternity.He was breathing for the first time in these3 days.It wasnt the right time to die.He would eventually die one day,,,everyone does. But he wouldnt die the day he was hugging yamac.He promised himself to die only the day god would ask for yamac's life&he would give him his of life.****-GO home Kemal.I want to stay alone-But selim...-Selim?? Hmm Selim smirked. Kemal was kahraman's right hand for the last 8 years and knew them from long ago but was the first time calling him Selim with his name. Kemal was a curious man. A lonely type,silent,a man of a few words.A couple of times he had even dragged him drunk out of pubs.The next day he would act like nothing and would continue being kahraman's right hand.Now he was doing the same as always helping him in silence.He didnt need help tho'. At least didnt want anyone's mercy.He needed someone...at least someone to be for him but not out of mercy,He needed to feel that at least someone didnt cheapen. him.And Kemal was standing there in silence, he had been staying like that the last couple of hours,making sure he was ok. Was Selim who stared at him this time.Trying to trace any kind of expression on Kemal's face,a feeling or something."Feels so right having someone waiting calmly for you to gather yourself in one piece"-he thought.-Then drive us to no where Kemal. He ordered his feet to the right door of the car dropped half dead on the seat &let his head fall back.Closed his eyes but no f..way he was likely to sleep.When he felt the car moving he wished the sun wouldnt rise tomorrow . And in that darkness resembling his soul he hoped Kemal would drive them for an eternity,cause escaping felt good&felt good having someone next to him.
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-So selim bey,i really think we can prolong our ...business relationship.Its a win-win agreement. The lawyer's voice was thin or maybe selim was just losing contact with his surroundings.****A week before,or so he had gone lost in a Turkish pub.Was a quite place he used to frequent when he needed an escape from the world.After a few beers he had passed the night into a random guy's apartment. A one night stand thing.But he couldn't predict that this thing would come out to make his life miserable. That one kiss before leaving the pub parking in his car.That photo would ruin everything.Selim couldnt breath.He was standing by the window all this time.No need to say he was fucking lost.Damning himself for being that careless he threw the phone in the lawyers desk and was headed to the door.-We'll be in touch Selim bey.-Go fuck yourself-murmured Selim at the door.You cant be gay& live in cukur. You cant be a Kocovali and be gay too.You cant easily be gay in a lot of places in 2018.Selim was 40 years old,had a wife and two children. Ayse was his soul mate,his best friend,the mother of his two children but never was the love of his life.18 years of marriage,a gorgeous woman.She was the only person in his entire life to whom he was like an open book."I'm not an ugly woman Selim,right?!...So there's only one reason why making love to me feels like a struggle for you"...She wasnt asking for answers.He had no intent to give any,just a forehead kiss. That's how good they knew each other.Selim was a man of a few words,introvert,collected.People would see a big wall,impossible to cross over every time they tried to understand what kind of person he was.It was his protective shell.You cant be hurt if you don't leave people in your life.This was his life cliche. A couple of romantic exchanges during his teenage.Linda his first girlfriend,childhood friends,school years felt easier with her.Great sense of humor.Then at 17, sex with her,confirmed him what he had on the bottom of his heart since he couldn't remember.Before he married Ayse,just 21 years old,no one else had managed to enter neither his life nor his bed.Only then came his nights out. It was his freedom he was looking for but where to find it in cukur...Instead he had made himself think he was more than fine with random one night stands.
"-may you be damned...may you be damned "he whispered. "-If this thing comes out death would be heaven to you."When he entered his bedroom,he wanted to drop dead on the bed and wake up in 2 thousand and never. Ayse was sleeping even tho' it was just 9'30''.Selim silently set by his side of the bed.There wasnt a single drop of energy remaining to make him put his pajamas. He saw Ayse sleep peacefully and thanked god for having her in his life. No matter what she felt like home.His thoughts must have been loud cause as he was about to lay down,Ayse moved at his right side&in a second she was leaning over his face.Selim caressed her forehead then her right cheek.Breathed deeply.No one was into words anyway.Their lips locked.Selim slowly pushed her nightgown down her shoulders.