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THE AVENGERS (CIVIL WAR), LOKI, and the GRANDMASTER are sat around a TABLE. The GRANDMASTER is the DUNGEON MASTER.
GRANDMASTER
A big ugly grape descends from the sky upon you. His name is Thanos. He looks pretty pissed off and hes got a big ol glove with some shiny stones on it.
LOKI
I roll to distract him and steal the glove.He rolls a 1. A vague giggle goes around the table. LOKI does not look happy.
GRANDMASTER
Thanos stares at your pitiful attempt at stealing the glove. You ran up to him and kicked his leg before attempting to tug it off his hand. He smacks you in the face. You land three blocks away.THOR chuckles and LOKI glares at him.
LOKI
I'd like to see you do better.
THOR
Gladly! I roll to slap Loki further than three blocks.He rolls a 20. We see LOKI visibly bristle, like an emo cat.
GRANDMASTER
You smack Loki harder than I did his ass last night. He flies sixteen blocks and passes out.THOR smirks at LOKI, who looks disgruntled. TONY STARK rolls his eyes. He is thinking about how much of a dramatic twink LOKI is.
TONY
Can I throw shit at Thanos?
GRANDMASTER
What kind of shit specifically?
TONY
Uhh, a shoe, a skyscraper, Peter?
PETER
Hey!
GRANDMASTER
Sure, why not.TONY STARK rolls to throw PETER PARKER at THANOS. He rolls a 5.
GRANDMASTER
You attempt to throw Peter, but it is thwarted by your absolute incompetency. He lands directly at Thanos' feet. You're a terrible father. Thanos begins to step on Peter.
PETER
I roll to bite Thanos' foot?
WANDA
Gross.
GRANDMASTER
I agree, gross, but go on.PETER PARKER rolls to BITE THANOS' FOOT. He rolls a 16. We hear the BURGER KING FOOT LETTUCE video quietly play from someones phone. We do not know who.
GRANDMASTER
Amazingly, it works. Thanos hops around in pain. Hes open for an attack if anyone is competent enough to manage that.
NATASHA
Okay, lets go at this strategically.NATASHA ROMANOFF does not appear to have realised the complete lack of strategy. She is naive.
TONY
I roll to throw Natasha at Thanos.
LOKI
Stop throwing people!
GRANDMASTER
No rule against throwing teammates. Does make you a bit of an asshole, though.TONY STARK rolls a 4. He is a bit of an asshole.
GRANDMASTER
Once again you utterly fail at throwing. Natasha lands a metre from where you threw her. Thanos squishes you like a tiny metal bug.
TONY
I call bullshit!
GRANDMASTER
Okay whos the dungeon master here? Thats what I thought, small iron splat.
STEVE
I roll to ambush Thanos from behind.He rolls a 5, and does not look happy. He is also naive.
GRANDMASTER
Thanos smells you coming because you smell ridiculously of ladys perfume-
STEVE
No I don't!
RHODEY
Yes you do.
GRANDMASTER
- and turns, smacking you out the air like a little bitch. You hit a building in a cloud of floral-scented pain. Get rekt scrub.
TONY
I still think its stupid that I'm dead now. Can I revive myself?
GRANDMASTER
No you're dead. Go get us some juice boxes, thotticus prime.TONY STARK, grumbling, stands and leaves. BRUCE BANNER grabs the dice.
BRUCE
I roll to turn into the Hulk and smash Thanos' grape skull in.He rolls a 17. Thor looks very proud of his boyfriend.
GRANDMASTER
You turn into the hulk and smash down on Thanos' face, but he catches your fist in his massive mittened hand and throws you away. You smash into Captain America.
STEVE
What the fuck why?TONY STARK returns with JUICE BOXES. They are grape flavour. This is in no way important.
TONY
Language.
GRANDMASTER
Because I said so. You're not dead though, so calm down, old man.
STEVE
I swear you're like thousands of years older than me?
GRANDMASTER
Yes, but I wear it better.CLINT BARTON suddenly jolts. He appears to have been ASLEEP and not paying attention even a little bit.
CLINT
Who wears what better?
TONY
Ah, and the true old man joins us.He throws a JUICE BOX at CLINT BARTON. It misses and hits WANDA MAXIMOFF.
WANDA
Careful, dumbass.
TONY
Well thats just a bit rude.
RHODEY
Can I roll to smack the shit out of Tony?
GRANDMASTER
Go ahead, I dont make the rules.
THOR
Isn't that... literally your job?JAMES RHODES rolls a 10. He gets up and SMACKS TONY STARK IN THE FACE. It looks painful.
BUCKY
That looked painful.SCOTT LANG laughs. TONY STARK glares at him. He quickly shuts up.
SCOTT
Can I have a juice box?
TONY
....no.SCOTT LANG looks sad. PETER PARKER steals a juice box from TONY STARKs hands and hands it to him. He no longer looks sad. Juice truly does bring people together.
GRANDMASTER
Hey, script guy? No one has said that, ever.Everyone stares at him. Is this getting too meta? Perhaps.
NATASHA
Who's script guy?
GRANDMASTER
None of your business.
STEVE
Can we get back on track?
LOKI
Are you genuinely expecting organisation from these hobos?
TONY
Did you just call us... hobos?
LOKI
I believe I did, yes.
BRUCE
Hes a billionaire, man..
GRANDMASTER
Lokis a sugar baby, whats your point?
TCHALLA
None of us are hobos. I'm pretty sure most of us are royalty or billionaires.The majority of them stare skeptically at him. He is incorrect.
PETER
I'm like, a broke teenager, my guy.
THOR
Yes, but you are the son of Tony. That means you're rich.
PETER
Tony's not my dad?
TONY
Say that again and you're grounded.CLINT BARTON slams his face into the table.
CLINT
I fucking hate playing dnd with you guys.SCRIPT GUY has run out of ideas. The scene fades to black. No one died except THOTTICUS PRIME. Since the events of today, juice bringing people together has become the hot new saying, LOKI has got that coin from he daddy, STEVE ROGERS continues to smell delightfully floral, and CLINT BARTON continues to hate DND with THE AVENGERS.THE AVENGERS will return, in AVENGERS 4: THEYRE ALL DEAD, SUCK MY DICK.