Work Text
Being in Auckland without Ben has been kind of lonely but Bea has also had more time to spend with Meg, Hero and Ursula so that’s been nice. She hasn’t missed Ben as much as she thought she would like she’s missed hanging out with him and joking around with him, but the long-distance thing hasn’t really been that different. She’s been working a lot but other than that she’s mostly just been chilling, and it’s been really nice.Beatrice isn’t sure what she wants to do with her life, she’s working so she can afford to go travelling but she doesn’t even know where she wants to go, let alone what she wants to do afterwards. Bea tries not to think about it, but she has a lot of spare time so it’s hard to keep the thought out of her head. She’s been spending a lot of time with Meg who she wasn’t as close to as the other girls but as they are both out of school and have jobs so they have a lot of time to hang out, so they do. She’s also been talking to Pedro (now Peter) on the phone and reconnecting with him, she doesn’t think she will ever be able to completely forgive him for how he acted last year but it’s been good being friends with him again.Ben has started vlogging again and he suggested that they do a Vlog brothers arrangement, but Bea has been feeling a bit off and doesn’t really feel like sharing all that with the internet, so she pawns the duties to Meg who is actually quite excited to do it. Ben was pretty confused as to why she doesn’t want to do it and when Bea tries to explain that she has felt a bit weird, she ends up realising that it is the same feeling she got when she kissed or did anything romantic with Ben, so she ends up just saying that she wants to focus on work.She tries not to think about the fact that it had never felt quite right with Ben, that kissing him felt fine but nowhere near as awesome as she’d heard her friends describe how it is for them, how the word boyfriend never felt right coming out of her mouth and how she’s scared to think too hard about all these things and more. Bea has been skyping Ben a lot and she’s never been one for university but it sounds like he’s having a pretty good time there and she definitely wants to travel next year but maybe she will go to university after that, she talks to Ben about it and he’s excited at the possibility of her going to university in Wellington and that how she has an idea for her future but when he talks about the potential of them sharing a bed, Bea feels a little bit yucky and says she has to go.After Meg and Hero sings that song about her, Bea had a small stint of annoyance and she spends more time hanging with Ursula and talking to Peter and Ben on the phone, she’s been trying to build up the courage to ask Peter something and finally, Bea just says screw it and asks himAfter Peter has finished rambling about a new coffee place, Bea says “Hey Peter, sorry if this is rude to ask but how did you know you were bi?”Bea asks this because lately she’s been realising that she might have feelings for girls and it scares the crap out of her, Peter replies “No it’s okay, are you asking for any particular reason?”God he can read her like a book even over the phone “I think I might be not straight and I was just wondering how you could tell”“I don’t really have an answer other than I just couldn’t ignore how both boys and girls made me feel”“Yeah okay”“Sorry I don’t have a better answer for you”“No, it’s alright, thanks”It’s okay not to be sure, Bea”“Well good because I am definitely not sure”“I’ve got to go but talk soon and good luck with your journey”“Nerd” Bea says affectionately and hangs up the phone, feeling pretty good about herself She knows that she should probably talk to Ben about the fact that she’s questioning her sexuality, but she doesn’t and Bea’s not quite sure why. So, she decides to hang out with Hero because she feels like they haven’t hung out much lately even though they live in the same house. Bea knocks on Hero’s door but gets no response, so she just walks on in and god it’s the biggest mistake she’s ever made.Hero is there and is Meg and they are half-naked and making out and Bea leaves the room straight away but not before they notice her and scramble to get dressed.“Bea” Hero says gently and not at all freaked out like Bea assumed she would be“Yes?” She says from outside the room“Come back in” Hero repliesBea slowly edges back in and uncovers her eyes, they are both dressed but sitting next to each other on the bed looking comfortable with each otherMeg finally speaks “We haven’t told anyone yet but” She takes a breath before saying the next part “we’re dating”“What” Bea exclaims because honestly, she had no idea“Yeah,” Hero says rather hesitantlyShe wants to be supportive, so Bea lightly teases “So, how did it happen?”At that, both Hero and Meg smile but Hero replies “We both realised we were bi and came out to Ursula and she hinted that we should speak to each other and so we did and we just kind of bonded about that and yeah”“I’m really happy for you both but you know you could have talked to me”“We know but since Ursula’s gay I think we both thought she’d get it more, no offence Bea”“I get that” she almost says that she’s been struggling with her sexuality but doesn’t for some weird reasonMeg starts to get up and remarks “Hey I’ve got to go but I’ll see you both soon” and gives Hero a small peck on the lips and she leavesOnce Meg has gone Bea goes to sit down next to Hero“So, Meg?” Bea asks softlyHero just blushes, and Beatrice remembers that she has a scheduled skype date with Ben, so she gets up to leave but not without hugging her cousin and reminding her that she loves her no matter what Bea watches Ben’s new video where the flat is out in the town and Peter’s monologue about how he feels more sorted than he has in a long time really resonated with her, not because she feels like that -but because she wants to. She knows Peter probably isn’t as happy as he says because of the whole pining after Balthazar thing but to be that sure of yourself must feel incredible.She plays the video again and realises how much she misses Ben, even though they only got close (again) last year, she had really come to love him. She misses spending time with him. The video reminds Bea of what fun he has with people (including her). She loves him so she must be in love with him, Right? For Hero’s birthday she decides to have a family dinner (for obvious reasons) and Bea has work, but she gets out of it because Hero is the most important person in her life, it’s a really nice dinner and it’s good to sit down as a family. Afterwards, Hero invites Meg over (Ursula is camping) and they have a mini party with just the three of them. It’s a little awkward because Hero and Meg are Very Obviously trying not to be too couple-ish around Bea even though she assures them that she’s fine with it. Nonetheless they have a wonderful time and even though it’s not hard, they have a better birthday for Hero than the last one. Seeing Rosa (Balth’s sister) in Ben’s video reminds her of when she was around when Bea was younger, and she was kind of obsessed with her. She thought she was really interesting and Bea liked her hair and just the way the moved around, now that Bea thins about it that might have been a crush. Wow, she had a crush. Bea had never gotten the whole crush thing, like she got the concept, but she had never really gotten crushes, except now she realises that maybe she did get crushes but on girls.But, god, it’s too much to think that she only got crushes on girls, what about Ben? When they were fourteen and friends she had a crush on him. Or did she? She knew that she liked spending time with him but now that she thinks about it she didn’t want to kiss him, and she doesn’t enjoy kissing him now. Is she -is she a lesbian?Once she thinks it, Bea can’t un-think it. She thinks about it when she’s working, she thinks about it when she’s hanging with the girls and most of all she thinks about it when she’s skyping or on the phone with Ben. It’s not like everything suddenly clicked into place but she does think that it’s true, except now she can’t bring herself to do anything about it. She doesn’t tell anyone or break up with Ben even though she knows she should. She uses the excuse that she should really break up with him in person, but she knows it’s bullshit and it’s not fair to string him along. After doing the prank calls with Meg, Bea goes home and decides to come out Hero.Bea knocks on Hero’s door “Are you there?”“Yeah, come in” Hero repliesWow, Bea is super nervous, obviously, Hero will be cool with it, but fuck is it nerve-racking, “Hey Hero”“What’s up Bea?”Hero looks at her expectantly and she can’t bring herself to say it until she looks at Hero’s calm face and just says it “I’m gay”“Oh honey, come here,” Hero says as she pulls Bea into a hug“Wow, why was that so hard to say?”“It’s tricky to admit, it was really hard for me and I can’t imagine how hard it is for you, especially with the whole Ben thing”“Fuck, Ben, I don’t know how I’m going to tell him, I have to tell him right?”“Well, you should break up with him, but you don’t have to tell him why”“You’re right, thanks Hero, you’re the best”The two of them hug and Bea proceeds to ask Hero about Meg and Hero actually gushes which Bea has never heard her do before Bea actually enjoys watching Ben’s videos which might be weird because she’s still trying to figure out how to break up with him. And since figuring out she’s gay Bea has been reassessing her relationship with every girl in her life (excluding family of course) and she doesn’t feel like she’s got a crush on any of them, she’s definitely attracted to them at least a little bit, which felt really good to figure out but until now she hasn’t had a major rush of attraction. Watching Ben’s latest video where Peter’s castmate, Jaquie appears messes with Beatrice’s head. She is crazy into her and she’s never even met her. She has been doing a lot of research into lesbianism and it’s actually been pretty interesting, and she bought a flannel which she wears in a video to try to get the message across. Bea talks about Ben in a video and when she watches it back it really looks like she’s n love with him and honestly it makes her doubt everything for a while but then she thinks about kissing him and then she thinks about girls in general and she feels better about herself but knowing that she can so easily doubt herself she knows that she needs to break up with him sooner rather than later. Bea and Meg decide to road trip to Wellington, Bea reckons it will be the perfect time to break up with Ben, but Meg doesn’t know that’s why she’s going so she keeps talking to Bea about how excited she must be to see her boyfriend. It’s kind of the first time she thinks about how much breaking up with Ben will break his heart, they’ve told each other that they love each other, and they have plans to move in together when they’ve finished Uni and travelling. She realises that she’s been too focused on herself and not thinking about what this will do to him.She starts to consider not breaking up with him, she enjoys spending time with him and she does love him (not like that but still) and maybe she doesn’t enjoy being physical or romantic, but she could get used to it, who is she to break his heart?Meg interrupts her thought “What are you thinking about there, hon?”Suddenly Bea can’t hold it in anymore “I don’t know whether I should break up with Ben”Meg looks very obviously surprised but treads gently “Why would you break up with him?”“I’m pretty sure I’m gay”“Oh wow”“Yeah”“So, why wouldn’t you break up with Ben then?”“Well I don’t want to break his heart, especially when it took us so long to get together”“I don’t want to tell you what to do or anything but don’t you think it would be meaner to lead him on than break it off with him”“Yeah probably, thanks Meg,” Bea says as she blinks away her tears “And if you tell anyone that I almost cried you’re dead”Meg just laughs at that and they continue driving and singing along to Arctic Monkeys About ten minutes after they stop for coffees, they see Kit walking along the side of the road which is a major coincidence, and they decide to pick him up, well, Meg decides because she is driving, and Bea goes along with it because why not and it will keep her distracted from thinking about seeing Ben.When they arrive, Bea is super nervous, and Meg has to literally push her to ring the doorbell but once they do she’s really happy to see Ben again because she does love him, so they hug for a while until Bea feels guilty and let’s go. She goes to hug Peter which is nice, and she sees Rosa, who, wow, has grown up beautiful.Bea decides that she should get it over and done with, so she and Meg can enjoy the rest of the trip, so she grabs Ben’s hand and pulls him into a room before anyone sees so they can’t accuse them of breaking the rules“Bea we can’t make out, you know, because of the rules,” Ben says as she closes the doorShe can’t help but smile at him but stops when she says “That isn’t why I came here”“No, I know, you came to Wellington to hang out with me and Pete and Balth”“That’s not quite what I meant”Ben looks at her face and realises that this is a serious conversation and stops the teasing and says, “What are you talking about?”“I’ve been figuring some stuff out about myself and I’ve come to realise that” Bea can’t bring herself to say the last word“What?”She finally says it “That I’m gay” and the look on Ben’s face fucking wrecks her, she tries to make it better by saying “I still love you but just not like that, I’m so sorry”Peter chooses this time to barge into the room they are in, which must be his room and Ben takes this time to walk out, cryingPeter only has time to utter “What the hell” before he realises that Bea is crying“I’m sorry, I just don’t have anywhere else to do this”“Bea it’s okay”“God I just haven’t felt like myself lately and I don’t know how to go back”“Maybe this is who you are now”“Did you hear us?”“Nah”“I broke up with Ben”“Oh shit, are you alright?”Bea just gives him a lookPeter speaks “Look I don’t know why you broke up with him, but I support you and I know once he gets over it he will still be your friend and I don’t know if this has anything to do with the conversations we’ve had about me being bi - “Bea cuts him off by saying “yeah…”“Well, my friend Jaquie is single and looking”At that Bea giggles and tells Peter to shut up. Bea isn’t sure what she’s going to do or who is she but she’s learning that that’s alright.