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“Tricia. Maybe it’s Tricia.” Adam spoke up.
“Maybe,” Chris rolled his head over to look at Adam, “should I text her that?”
“No, it’s like 4 AM.”
Chris could feel how drunk he was. His arms and legs were heavy, and his head was spinning. He noticed how Adam’s right arm was spread across the back of the couch, showing off his muscular forearms and large hands. Ugh, I wish that arm was around me, he thought to himself.What the fuck? No. No, that’s gross. I’m straight. He really was drunk.
Chris had been feeling weird about Adam these past few weeks. He was always really excited to hang out with him. Once they went home after poker night, Adam was all he’d be able to think about. He’d recall the jokes Adam made, and how giddy he felt when Adam laughed at one of his own. He had been expecting that Adam’s coming out would tear them apart, not bring them closer together. That night at the gay bar had been the most fun he’d had in a long time.
Adam grabbed Chris’ phone off his lap, and all of a sudden Chris’ heart was in his balls. He couldn’t breathe. Oh fuck. All Adam did was touch his leg. That’s a normal thing. Right? Adam plopped Chris’ phone on a pillow on the opposite end of the sofa. Chris needed to distract himself. Ask Jess for nudes, stalk some Instagram model, something. He reached across Adam to grab his phone. Bad idea. His face was right in front of Adam’s. He could feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Adam leaned in and started to close his eyes. Fuck. FUCK. Oh, shit. What the fuck just happened?
“The fuck, man?” Chris’ heart was pounding.
“I thought you were…” Adam looked just about as panicked as Chris felt. “Oh, man. I’m sorry.”
Why was Chris so sweaty all of a sudden? He felt like he was going to explode. He had to leave. He had to get away from Adam.
“I should go.”
“No, man, don’t go. I’m sorry, I was… I’m drunk. I thought… You don’t…”
Why was he so excited when Adam moved toward him? Why did he have to lean across him that way? Fuck. He felt so lightheaded. Did he always walk this fast? The whole neighborhood was spinning. Chris practically ran to his car, slamming the door as he got in. He screamed. At first it was a low, manly howl, but soon it quieted and his pitch raised. There was a lump in his throat stealing every ounce of masculinity he thought he possessed. His vision went blurry as tears started welling up in his eyes. His hands were shaking so violently, his heart pounding against his skin from inside his stomach. He hit the steering wheel with the palm of his hand, and let out a loud yelp. He’s straight. He’s straight. Would he really be fucking Jess twice a week if he was gay? Jess. She’s what he needs. He just needs some pussy to take his mind off things.Chris was surprised he didn’t get pulled over for speeding. By the time he made it back to his place, Jess was already waiting outside.
“Sure did take your sweet fucking time,” she shouted, mouth full of chewing gum. “Unlock the door. Let’s get this over with.” She started taking off her shirt the moment the door closed behind them. She was wearing a really nice push-up bra. It was all pink and lacy- the kind of shit he usually liked. ‘Usually’ being the operative word. She definitely looked hot in it, but she just wasn’t doing it for him tonight. Maybe once she got her panties off he’d get hard.
He was wrong. They had been making out for two minutes and he still had to start jerking off while he was on top of her. Why wasn’t he hard? She looked hot, right? His brain was a mess. She was definitely attractive to him, he had a year’s worth of fucking her to prove it, but tonight, there was just something missing. Maybe if it was Ada- no. Don’t you fucking dare. You’re not a fucking homo. Think about pussy. Pussy’s great! Tits are great! But what if other things are great too?
Before he could finish that thought, Jess interrupted him. “Um, Chris?” had he always hated her voice this much? “What’s wrong with it?”
“Nothing’s wrong with it. Stop talking, you’re making it worse.”
“I’m sorry, I’ve just never been with a man who-”
“A man who what?”
“I’m a little drunk, just-” he was panicking, he needed to fix this. “maybe if you put it in your mouth...”
“No, it’s not your fucking birthday.”
Fuck. Come on, Chris. Just figure this out. “Just suck on it.”
“Why don’t you have Adam do it?” Oh no. That is not something he could think about right now. That’s gross. He’s straight, and Adam is his best friend, so he would never want him to suck his dick.
“Jesus, fuck you.” He pushed himself off of Jess.
“Wha- I was just joking! Why are you so mad?”
“I’m not mad.”
“Wait, he didn’t, did he?”
“No he didn’t.” He only tried to kiss me, and I only started to want it.
“Did Adam suck your cock?”
“No, he didn’t fucking suck my dick.”
Chris could feel that lump coming back, and as the lump rose in his throat, his heart had to move down into his stomach. He needed to get away from all of this; Adam, Jess, everyone. He picked up his phone only to see Adam was calling him. He sat up and let it ring. He brought it to his ear once the voicemail started.
“Hey, Chris, it’s me. I can’t believe that happened. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m an idiot. I’m- I was drunk. And I just- I don’t know what I thought, but can you just call me back, please?” Chris laid back down and felt his breath become shaky. He had to face this. His best friend had just tried to kiss him. And he wanted it to happen. He couldn’t fuck is not-girlfriend. He wanted to kiss Adam. But he wasn’t gay. Was he? He knew he was still attracted to women. He had been pining after girls since sixth grade. But now, things were different. He had known Adam since third grade. They’d been best friends from the moment they met. And now… now Chris was excited about an almost-kiss. He was- oh god, he couldn’t bear to even think it- he was attracted to Adam.
Fuck.