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It had been three weeks since Jude and Noah broke up, and Jude had been absolutely miserable. He stayed in his room for most of the day, blasting music through his headphones at a dangerously high volume. He might as well not have been wearing headphones since anyone around him could still hear every beat and lyric perfectly. Jude didn’t care, it drowned out his thoughts which were anything but pleasant. It was obvious he and Noah had been having issues recently, but Jude just thought they’d work on it and it’d be fine. It was always fine, and Noah was a steady constant for Jude. Noah was there for him through everything, and Jude could count on him being there no matter what. Now that he didn’t have that, the only person he wanted comfort from was Noah. He wanted Noah to be able to tell him everything would be okay, because even if his moms or his siblings told him that, it just wasn’t the same. He wanted nothing more than Noah’s arms around him, but Noah couldn’t be that person for Jude anymore, and it was awfully lonely not having him around after nearly two years. Jude had to do something. He had to make some sort of change, because simply being himself was not easy right now, and maybe if he could change enough, he’d feel like he could escape into a new identity. Someone that didn’t need to be held and comforted by a boy. He forced himself to get up and make himself look presentable enough to leave the house, throwing on a black shirt and black jeans. He didn’t dwell on the fact that they were jeans Noah had complimented highly in the past, and grabbed his phone and wallet before making his way downstairs. “Look who’s up,” Lena commented. “Good to see your beautiful face again,” she said in an attempt to make Jude feel a little better and lighten things up. “I’m going out,” he mumbled.Lena gave him a look of what Jude assumed to be confusion and maybe a little bit of surprise. Before semester break, the only place Jude went was school, and he still hadn’t really wanted to go anywhere. “Oh? Where are you heading off to?” She asked.Jude just shrugged. “I’ll be home before dinner,” he promised, and left without another word. Jude kept his promise and returned just before dinner. He went upstairs to put what he bought away and washed up before heading back down. Dinner went on as usual and Jude was quiet, letting Mariana and Jesus do all the talking. Everyone was pretty good at not pushing Jude, and respecting his sadness with everything he was going through, which Jude appreciated more than he cared to admit. Later that night, when everyone had gone to sleep, Jude stood in the bathroom staring at the opened box of bright blue hair dye and its contents laying on the counter. Jude really wasn’t one to experiment with his appearance too often, but he felt this was necessary. He was tired of being the same boring Jude everyone knew him as. He was predictable, and for years all he wanted was to just blend in with his peers. Now, he couldn’t care less what anyone thought. He wanted a change. Jude read the instructions carefully and mixed the product as he was supposed to, deciding on just a section in the front to add the color to. This was a change He was entirely in control of, and that’s all that mattered. Satisfied with the results of his hair, Jude went to bed once it was dry, hoping the color wouldn’t stain everything. In the morning, Jude had pretty much forgotten about his hair, but was quickly reminded by the expressions on his family’s faces as he came down for breakfast, wearing another similar all black outfit as the one from the day before. “Ooh, look at you...” Stef said. “That’s different.” She grinned. Jude took a seat at the table. “That was the goal. How is it?” He asked. Mariana examined him. “I like it! It’s cute.” Jude frowned a little. “Cute, really?” “You look fine, bud,” Lena assured him. It was the first day back from semester break and Jude was nervous. It’d be a real test to his own confidence to get through the day with a somewhat new look. When Jude got to school, not many people seemed to care about the change, though as soon as Taylor saw him, she was very supportive of the new look. “I think it looks cute, I love it.” Jude looked at her. “Okay does everyone just think it’s cute? Cause that wasn’t the goal.” “Sorry,” she said. “What was the goal then?” “Just... different. I needed a change.” He shrugged. Taylor nodded. “Is this the start of some kind of scene emo phase everyone talks about?” “It’s not a—“Taylor stopped him, “If you tell me it’s not a phase, I’m gonna kill you.”Jude actually laughed. He was lucky to have Taylor by his side through all this. Taylor smiled at him, shaking her head at how ridiculous he was. She tucked her hair behind her ear and Jude noticed she had gotten a cartilage piercing. “Hey, nice, when did you do that?” He asked. “What, this?” She pointed to the new piercing, and Jude nodded. “Last week. I did it myself in my bedroom. What do you think?” “It looks good, I like it. Suits you. Do you think I should get a piercing?” Jude asked. Taylor looked at him as if imagining him with any kind of piercings. “I think a lip piercing would really complete the new look.” Jude made a mental note to stop somewhere on the way home from school for a few supplies... After dinner, Jude locked himself in the bathroom once again, only this time, he’d laid out his list of amateur piercing supplies. If Taylor could pierce her own cartilage, Jude could pierce his own lip. He’d done extensive research beforehand. Extensive as in... viewing a WikiHow and getting whatever supplies he could get his hands on. The site advised against a sewing needle, but it was the easiest option. Jude found it funny that he’d taken more caution with reading instructions for hair dye than he was taking with piercing his own lip. It hurt like hell and bled much more than the site had prepared him for, but he did it, and all he had to do now was get the bleeding under control and wait for the sharp stinging feeling to go away. It was probably the worst time for Jesus to start pounding on the bathroom door. “Jude, seriously? You’ve been in there forever, I need to pee.” “Just a sec!” Jude cleaned up the counter and threw away everything he didn’t need before opening the door. He was holding a wadded up tissue to his mouth and it was obvious he was bleeding. “Oh, god, what’d you do?” Jesus asked. “Nothing. Bathroom’s free...” he moved past him. Jesus looked at him strangely but went into the bathroom and shut the door. When he came back out, he looked at Jude. “You’re really not gonna tell me?” Jude rolled his eyes and moved the now bright red tissue away from his mouth to show him. Jesus walked over to him to get a better look. “I can’t believe you did that. Moms are gonna kill you.” “I don’t really care, it’s my choice.”Jesus nodded. “No I know that. Looks cool, just hope it doesn’t get infected.” “If it does, I’ll take it out. It should be fine though.” He got up to get another tissue. The bleeding stopped not too long after and the pain subsided enough that it wasn’t unmanageable. Jude took longer than usual to get ready in the morning, while everyone was already downstairs eating. Jude felt like a new person already but he wasn’t quite done... Jude took the opportunity to find Mariana’s eyeliner and stood in front of the mirror, very carefully lining his eyes with it. He even decided to take it a small step further and wing it out just a bit. It was far from perfect but for a first time applying eyeliner, he was satisfied with how it turned out and it didn’t look anywhere near as disastrous as it could’ve. “Jude, come on, let’s go bud, you’re gonna be late!” Stef called upstairs. Jude returned the eyeliner pencil where he found it and went downstairs, fully prepared for everyone’s comments on his new appearance. “Good morning— Wow...” Lena was a little speechless. Jude took his usual spot at the table and reached for the pancake syrup. “Morning.” “Holy shit..” Jesus said. Stef gave him a look. “Jesus. Language.”“Is that real?” Mariana asked. “Oh my god, are you wearing eyeliner?” Jude nodded. “Yes it’s real, and yes I’m wearing eyeliner. I borrowed yours, hope that’s okay.” “Jude, you pierced your own lip?” Stef looked at him. “Do you realize how unsafe that is?” Jude shrugged. “Mariana was fine when she pierced her nose, and Taylor just pierced her own cartilage. It’s not a big deal.” Jesus set his glass of orange juice down. “Jude’s having an identity crisis,” he commented. Jude rolled his eyes. “I’ve decided I don’t want to be called Jude anymore.” He looked at everyone’s confused, concerned faces. “Okay, and what would you like us to call you?” Stef asked. Jude thought about it for a second. “J. Just J.” Stef and Lena exchanged looks like they weren’t sure how to handle this. “Alright, well, you guys need to get going before you’re late.” Jude should’ve expected it, but no one really followed his request for a new name. He’d correct people but it was pretty much useless. The only one that called him J was Taylor, no questions asked. When he got made fun of for how he was choosing to dress and look, Taylor showed up in significantly darker clothes and heavier eye makeup in solidarity, even adding in a blue streak to her own hair. If Jude was going to be made fun of, Taylor wouldn’t let him go through it alone. She was the only one that was allowed to tease him, and she understood what this whole thing meant for Jude. She always understood him. Jude really owed everything to her. It was about a month later when Jude was tapped on the shoulder by his locker. Jude turned around to see one of his classmates smiling and holding a piece of paper. “J, you left this behind.” Jude took the paper, blushing slightly and definitely smiling. The paper clearly said Jude, he just paid attention enough to know not to call him Jude. “Thanks!”“Anytime.” Jude wasn’t sure if he saw that right, but he could’ve sworn Dylan winked at him, and he felt a bit of a nervous flutter in his stomach. Of course Jude had noticed Dylan was hot before, but something about their little exchange was exciting to him. Taylor appeared at his side after Dylan walked away. “What was that about?” She asked teasingly, grinning at him. “He called me J and I think he winked at me.” Jude was now quite red. Turning over the assignment in his hands, his eyes landed on a phone number and his heart skipped. “Taylor, look!” “Oh, you have to text him!” She said excitedly. “I’m coming over after school and you’re going to text him.” By her tone, Jude knew he had no choice. Not that he didn’t want to text him...After school, they were laying on Jude’s bed and Jude had his phone on a new message screen with Dylan’s number typed in already. “How’s... Hey?” “Too simple. Add a wink emoji.”“That’s too forward. Smile?”Taylor shook her head. “He winked at you first! A smile is trying too hard.” “And a wink isn’t?” He asked. Taylor shrugged. “Just trust me.” Jude sighed and typed ‘Hey ;).’ His thumb hovered over Send for a moment before he pressed it and immediately locked his phone and tossed it aside. “Oh my god, it sent.” Taylor laughed at his little display. “Relax, this is a good thing, Jude. Nothing wrong with a rebound.” “Is that what we’re calling it?” He asked. “What else would it be?”“I guess..” Jude agreed. Jude’s phone chimed after a minute and Jude jumped. “You look at it,” he told her. “Fine.” Taylor stretched to grab his phone. “What’d he say?” Jude asked. “I don’t think you want me to tell you...” she trailed off. Jude sat up. “What? Is it that bad.”“It’s pretty bad. Do you want me to read it or you?” “Just tell me.” Taylor cleared her throat. “He said.... ‘Hey! Exclamation point, wink emoji.” She broke into laughter and Jude laughed too. “You’re awful,” he said, though he was smiling and that was Taylor’s goal.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Jude and Dylan had been going out for a few weeks, and honestly, Dylan was a pretty bad influence. Jude was in a very vulnerable and impressionable state, and it made it easy for Dylan to take advantage of that, even if his intentions weren’t harmful. Dylan’s parents worked odd hours and weren’t home often, so Jude had been spending a fair amount of time there, and they’d been getting into all kinds of trouble, but Jude didn’t see the harm in any of it until Dylan asked him a question he wasn’t expecting. “Have you ever smoked before?” “Weed? Yeah. Do you have—““No, I mean cigarettes,” he told him, getting up to grab a pack off his desk. Jude froze. He often smelled cigarettes on him but it wasn’t something he really thought about. Dylan’s parents smoked, and it made sense that the smell of stale cigarettes would’ve stained Dylan’s clothing. He didn’t expect Dylan to have a smoking habit since he’d never seen him with a cigarette in hand, and his heart was racing a bit. “Oh, um. No... I’ve never smoked then.” Dylan gave him a bit of a smirk, pulling one from the pack. Jude watched him put the cigarette between his lips, flick a lighter and hold the small flame to the end of it. Dylan inhaled, and as Jude watched the smoke leave his mouth on the exhale, the room was filled with the toxic and familiar scent of cigarettes. It wasn’t until Dylan held the cigarette between his fingers out in front of Jude, that he realized he was actually shaking. This was the thing everyone warned so vehemently against, and the moment Jude had been well prepared for. ‘No’ was such an easy word, and Jude never thought he’d even be in a situation like this. He thought he knew himself better than to be worried about this, but it almost felt as if he wasn’t in control of himself as he reached to take the burning cigarette from him. No was an easy word, and Jude wasn’t about to use it... He was hesitant, feeling Dylan’s dark eyes on him as he raised it up to his mouth and inhaled from it. The smoke burned as it filled his lungs and he quickly handed it back before he’d drop it. He felt like his chest had been hit with every dangerous chemical he could think of, and he hated everything about it, coughing violently. He was immediately nauseous and for a second he felt like he’d throw up, quite certain his face was green. Dylan inhaled easily, unaffected by it. He laughed a little, watching Jude. “Don’t worry, I had the same reaction.” That statement worried Jude. If Dylan was now so unaffected by smoking after having the same reaction, Jude was terrified of ending up in the same boat. “How do you like this shit?” He asked when he finally stopped coughing so much. Dylan held the cigarette away from his lips as he spoke, but Jude just wanted the thing to be put out and thrown out the window. “I hated it at first too. It was actually a few weeks after my first one that I started getting a craving for it. It didn’t bother me as much the next time.” He offered it to him again and Jude shook his head, not wanting anything to do with it. “No thanks. I doubt I’d ever want to do that again. That’s awful.” Dylan chuckled. “We’ll see. Tell you what,” he said, reaching to tap the cigarette against the open window sill for the ashes to fall. “I’ll let you keep this pack, and if you end up changing your mind or getting a craving for it, you’re covered.” Jude didn’t know what to say to that, but the last thing he wanted was to end up with a smoking habit. He should’ve just said no. All he knew was that he fully intended on never touching one again. He’d throw the rest of them away later. When he got home later, he’d forgotten all about the half a pack of cigarettes in his bag and didn’t touch them either. It wasn’t until a few days later, that Jude was called downstairs. His moms were in the kitchen, and in front of Stef, was the pack of cigarettes. “Jude, can you sit down please,” she said very seriously. Jude’s eyes widened and he took a seat. “Oh my god...” he said under his breath. “I promise it’s not what you think.” “Then why did mama find this in your school bag this morning?” “It’s not mine,” Jude was quick to assure them, though he knew exactly how that sounded. “Well... it is, I guess. I was given it, and I was going to throw it away as soon as I got it, I just forgot to.” “Jude, this is very serious. I know you are well aware of the consequences but we need you to be honest with us,” Lena said. “I am being honest. I.. I tried it once, and I swear I hated it. It was the worst thing ever and I’d never do it again.” Stef sighed, shaking her head. “Half the pack is empty, Jude.” “I know! It’s... it’s Dylan’s. I know I messed up, it was so stupid. He already had them and he told me he was giving it to me in case I changed my mind. I didn’t want it. I don’t want it. I swear, I was going to throw it away.” “Dating someone does not mean you have to do everything they do or suggest to you. This boyfriend of yours... has he pressured you into doing anything else?” Stef asked. “What? No. He hasn’t. He didn’t even make me try smoking, he just sort of offered it and I was stupid enough to go along with it.” “Next time, please don’t feel like you have to do anything you don’t want to, okay?” Stef said. Jude nodded, and Lena chimed in with a more gentle approach. “Honey, we know things have been difficult for you lately, but we don’t want you to be keeping things like this from us. We love you very much, and this is a scary thing for us to see. We don’t want you to go down the wrong path like this. We know you’re a very smart young man, and we’re proud of you for that, so thank you for being honest about this. Part of growing up is making mistakes and learning from them, so if you ever find yourself in another situation like this, please remember that you don’t need to do these kinds of things to gain respect from anyone. Your self respect matters so much more.” Jude listened to her and took in everything she was saying. She was right, and Jude did learn from his mistake. “Okay. I promise it won’t happen again.” They both hugged him and as soon as Jude got up after, he took the pack of cigarettes and threw them in the garbage, just like he should have done the other day. He kept his promise, never touching another cigarette again, despite still going out with Dylan. He set boundaries with him and made it clear when he was uncomfortable with something, instead of just going along with it.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Things with Dylan were going well. They weren’t serious, but Jude liked that. They could date without it being some huge deal. They were having fun and that definitely beat being single and dwelling on Noah. It was about another month or so after the smoking incident, when Taylor pulled him aside at school during lunch. She had this look on her face that made Jude nervous. “What? What’s going on?” He asked. “I’m gonna kill your stupid boyfriend,” she started. “I saw him making out with some other guy outside just now.” Jude’s expression fell. “Wait, what? Are you sure it was him?” Taylor nodded. “It was him, Jude. I told you, I’m gonna kill him.” Taylor may be tiny but Jude believed her. He frowned. “What the fuck? I know we aren’t serious but... I mean I’m not like, sleeping around or making out with other guys. I figured he wouldn’t be either.” “I know, J, I’m sorry. You really need to dump him.” Jude nodded. “I will. I really can’t handle being in any kind of relationship with someone who would cheat.” They sat down at their lockers for lunch and once they were settled, Taylor put her head on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry you’re going through all this shit.” About halfway through lunch, Dylan found them. “Hey, there you are. I was looking for you.” He smiled. “Actually you were busy with some other guys tongue down your throat,” Taylor spoke. Dylan laughed awkwardly. “Ha, um... no?” “Don’t lie, I saw you. Outside.” She crossed her arms over her chest. Dylan shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “You believe that, J?” Jude looked at Taylor who was giving Dylan a death glare. “Of course I do. She’s my best friend. You know, I’m aware we’re not in a very serious relationship but if I misunderstood what we had, you should’ve told me you weren’t interested in anything exclusive. Would’ve saved me the trouble of finding out you were cheating on me.” “I thought you knew that,” he said, trying to twist it and make it seem like he hadn’t really done anything wrong. “Well I didn’t. Whatever Dylan, do what you want. Or who... I don’t care.” Dylan scoffed like Jude was being ridiculous. “Alright. See you around.” He rolled his eyes as he turned on his heel and walked away. Jude sighed. “Fuck relationships. They hurt too much...” he frowned. “You don’t need a relationship, anyway. Just enjoy being single for a little while and focus on yourself,” Taylor advised. Jude nodded. “You’re right. I just thought jumping into something new would make me feel better, but that really worked out great. I’m done for a while.” Taylor handed him her last Oreo. “I understand that,” she said, because of course she understood him. “Thanks.” He twisted the two halves and licked the icing first. Some things about Jude would always be the same. As it turned out, being single and focusing on himself was the best thing for him. As easy as it was to lose himself with another person, he really just needed to work on himself and figure out who he was and who he wanted to be. He didn’t need to rely on a boyfriend to make him happy, or for someone else to show him who he was. It was a lot of work but he was starting to learn that he had to be able to look in the mirror and love who he saw looking back at him, and not place value in himself because someone else was assuring him that they loved him. It wouldn’t always be easy, but he was trying. Freshman year had just finished and it was the first day of summer. Mariana and Jesus had just graduated and soon things would change again. Mariana was moving away to Boston and even though Jesus wasn’t going to be living on campus, he and some friends were going to be renting an apartment together, so Jude would be the only one left. Things were changing, and Jude needed another change too. Once again, he stood in the bathroom, and started off by using a makeup wipe to take off his eyeliner. Once that was gone, he grabbed some styling product and styled his hair in a similar fashion as he used to before he dyed it blue. He decided he quite liked the blue with the way it was now styled, however it was becoming rather faded and he wasn’t going to bother re-dying it again. Jude carefully took out the lip ring and finally changed into something a little bit brighter and more suited for summer. “Look, it’s Jude!” Mariana exclaimed when he came downstairs. “Oh, Jude.” Lena smiled. “You look great, honey!” Jude smiled as he joined them, feeling happy to be back to his old self. “Thank you, Mama.” “Does this mean we can call you Jude again?” Stef asked. Jude rolled his eyes playfully. “What do you mean ‘again?’” He air-quoted. “You never stopped in the first place.” He grinned. “Okay, I’ll rephrase. Can we call you Jude without you correcting us or glaring?” Jude nodded. “Yes, Jude is fine.” He smiled. “Judicorn,” Mariana teased. “I’m gonna miss your eyeliner, honestly. Maybe you’ll let me teach you full glam before I head to Boston?” She asked. Jude laughed. “I’d like that. And I’m gonna miss you not being here. And Jesus.” Mariana hugged him. “I’ll visit as often as I can,” she promised. “You better.” He smiled. Jesus patted him on the back. “I’ll miss you too, brat. Enjoy not sharing a room with me.” “Oh, I will, trust me,” he laughed. Stef and Lena hugged him too. “We’re happy to have you back, bubba.” Jude smiled. “Me too. Uh.. speaking of being back, can I go over to Taylor’s house if I’m back by dinner?” “Sure, Love,” Stef said. Of course, Taylor was thrilled with his transformation, though she’d support him no matter what he looked like, how he dressed, or who he dated. Jude was unbelievably lucky to have her as his best friend, and to have such an amazing family. Finding an anchor in the Adams Foster’s and in Anchor Beach was not a one time thing. He realized he’d be getting lost in the sea of life and finding anchors throughout his whole life. Callie was his first anchor, followed by his forever family. For a little while, he had Connor, and when he felt like he’d never find home again, he found Noah. Even though things didn’t work out with him, he still had his family, and his best friend by his side. He felt at peace knowing this, and knowing that there’d be others along the way, no matter where life would end up leading him.