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AUGUST 31, 2013 Felix was surprised to hear that some guy on YouTube had a huge popularity boast because of him, well, it is what he's interpreting from the comments from Jacksepticeye's vlog about winning the shoutout. He didn't even know the guy that much. Just that he was loud, pretty funny, and his Youtuber and real name. How would one even pronounce his Youtuber name? Why was Felix on the Irishman's channel anyway? It could be that Seán's content was good and that he could be a potential entertainer. He chose the guy because Felix saw that Seán genuinely cared about his fans and put a lot of effort into his videos. No, it wasn't weird that Felix searched for anything PewDiePie related. After all, he did care what people thought of him as. Sighing, because it was nearly 12 am and he haven't had a good night sleep, he moved his mouse to click on the red X tab when Felix heard Seán starting explaining about how absolute giddy he was and how he was going to work his ass off for the next few videos. The Swede was completely jealous and baffled to how Jacksepticeye was always energetic and full of life in every video he made. But he knew better to give the boy a cold shoulder for just because Seán was different (and better) than him. With one last look at the loud and excited Irish Youtuber, he clicked the X tab. https://youtu.be/vhjYqLgJnUA
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June 23, 2014 They were about to play their first game together. Cry, Ohmwrecker, Jacksepticeye, and PewDiePie had all planned well so that they could be able to play Plants VS Zombies Warfare. While the other Youtubers were trying to set up for their videos, Seán was unable to control his excitement. "Thank you for inviting m'to play with y'guys!" his deep Irish voice rumbled through the headphones and Felix wearily smiled, then noticing that Seán would have been unable to see that so he spoke. "It's really no problem," he replied in a way that should have sounded nice, Felix hoped. The last thing he wanted was for Seán's fans and his friends to think Felix couldn't get along with the rising new star. "I heard you were a cool guy."Seán stammered over his words but regained his composure. "R-Really? Where d'ya hear that from?" he asked, clearly surprised. "Uh," Felix started, mentally racking his brain for answers. "Some fans of yours." "Oh," said Seán, sounding a bit disappointed.He didn't want for Jacksepticeye to think Felix as some weird stalker guy that watched his videos all the time. Felix would've felt bad if it wasn't for Seán probably also pretending to be friendly towards him. It could be possible for them to become enemies later in the future. Don't blame Felix. He's just being cautious.
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PAX Prime 2015 (Part 1) He came into the room with the biggest smile Felix had ever seen, enough to make him cringe mentally. The Swede knows he's being a little harsh on a guy he had never met physically. Mark was the first person there to greet him and they hugged each other as if they were long lost best friends, laughing and giggling like small children. While Felix was having a normal conversation with Ken, Seán came up, smiling. Making a side note that the smile was only for Ken. "Hiya! My name is Seán, but my friends call me Jack," he said, offering a hand and Ken takes it, smiling back in return. "Ken, here!" he replied, as merrily as the Irish man greeted him. Then the brown haired Youtuber faced Felix, the smile still on his face. "Pewdiepie! It's a pleasure to meet finally ya!" he said, his eyes shinning in adoration... is what Felix would've expected. Instead, Seán did the exact opposite greeting he behaved to Ken to Felix. With a normal expression on his face, he took out his hand. "Hi," he said in such an expressionless tone that caught Felix off guard and made him perform at what seemed like a nervous act. "Uh, hi." The Swede shook his hand in what seemed like two shakes before Jack quickly pulled his hand back away and proceeding to return back to Mark as if nothing happened. Felix stared at his back in bafflement. What in the fuck's name was that?Ken then whistled one low note, stuffing his hands into his pockets and begun to laugh awkwardly at the strange encounter. "Well, that was new," he joked. Why was it that Seán saluting himself differently to each Youtuber that bothered Felix so much? "Jack's the first man I've seen not squealing over you like a guinea pig in person."Felix just laughed, not wanting to reveal how much it bothered him on his face. "Yeah, weird," he replied as his eyes darted around the large lounge room and catching Mark and Seán, no, it was Jack now, happily communicating to one another. "Starting in five!" yelled one of the crew members and Ken picked his head up. "That's my cue. You should be putting on the red dress," he smirked as he winked. "Maybe Jack-a-boy'll notice ya in that."Felix drily chuckled at that, punching his friend's shoulder harder than he anticipated. "Hey, break a leg... literally, please," he snickered to a giggly Ken, walking away, leaving Felix alone with his thoughts.
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PAX Prime 2015 (Part 2) If the idea of Septiplier bothered Felix as much as it appeared like, he didn't reveal it at all. Instead, Felix brought it up in front of thousands of fangirls who would've done anything to get their hands on some hard proof of anything Seán and Mark related, even if it was a simple conversation between the two Youtubers. He didn't blame the fans for seeing something powerful between the two men. They shared a bond that people rarely had. Felix was fine by that, besides he had Mariza. So, why is it that it bothered Felix so much that Seán could get along with Mark more then? He surprisingly tried to be chill with Seán at the beginning of the show, which to Felix's shock, goes along with it. But much to his distaste, he still had to witness the playful flirting between the two Youtubers and meanwhile the crowds loved the hell out of it. "Septiplier away!" yelled Mark and the crowd of fangirls proceeded to shriek like their life depended on it. Was that a girl... crying in joy in the front seats? Felix couldn't resist the urge to roll his eyes as he was halfway to rolling them, he caught sight of the brown haired Irish man. Speaking of him, Seán looked like he was having the time of his life, laughing and giggling, utterly sounding like an embarrassed Japanese schoolgirl. He knew how it felt like to be a part of a ship— PewDieCry and PewDiePie X Cinnamontoastken, and etc. Felix didn't really mind that there were fanfics and fanart of him making out with his friends... wait that sounded strange now that he thought about it. But time to time, he would feel uncomfortable and uneasy on the topic of ships. Felix understood how it felt to be under the spotlight in front of thousands of fangirls. He wasn't blind to see that the spotlight was definitely on Mark and Seán in the panel. That didn't mean he could stop bringing up Septiplier whenever the moment seemed right and unnecessary. Maybe it was funny to him or maybe he couldn't just stop thinking about how much it bothered him. Why? Sure, the blame's on him for being distant and cold towards Seán. But every now and then, Felix wished that he could be friends with him. He genuinely seemed like a great guy. It was Felix's jealousy and his bitterness that made it difficult to talk to him like a normal person. ——Felix couldn't stop himself from staring at Seán, and wasn't sure if whether the Irish man was noticing or not. (He wishes he doesn't) The panel was over and it was time for autographs and photographs. Mark and Seán still constantly talked to each other, made their fans laugh, and join along with them in whatever they were doing with the other Youtubers. Ken knew something was bothering Felix from the look on his face so he lays a hand on his shoulder, shaking the Swede from his thoughts. "You alright, man?" Ken asked and Felix nodded. "Yeah," he replied, hoping that the American wouldn't notice his disappointment. Ken looked unimpressed as the hand on Felix's shoulder tightened. "Hey, just because there's not a lot of Bros here— doesn't mean there's not any out there instead."Oh. He thought Felix was upset from the loss of his fans in PAX Prime. If only Ken knew the real truth. "Uh, yeah, you're right," Felix said, trying a smile. Ken smiled right back and went back to talk to his fans. Meanwhile, Felix went right back to staring at Seán. His heart stopped when he realized Seán was staring right back at him. The Irish man looked away quickly and pretended to laugh at whatever Mark said. Felix knew that he staring at him. It was only reasonable that Seán turned his attention away from Felix's direction."PewDiePie!" yelled somebody and Felix mentally shook himself from upon his thoughts and smiled at the smiling fan.
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He surprisingly found himself playing a game with Jacksepticeye. Seán invited Felix to play Riftmax Theater with him and to say he was shocked was an understatement, he thought that the Irishman had hated him. But now that he was joking and playing around with him, Felix wished he did put into a bit more effort in taking the barrier between them away. It felt a forced, but he still enjoyed it. However, at the end of the video, Seán didn't even bother to say bye. He ended all of the communications between them two and left. "OK?" Felix said to no one in particular. "Nice playing with you too, I guess…”Still, it filled with him uneasiness to have been left one-sided and empty. With courage that apparently appeared out of nowhere, he called him right back. “‘Ello?” Jack answered, clearly surprised. “Was I supposed ter send yer somethin’…?” “No.” Felix cleared his throat, now a loss for words when was hit with a question. “Uh, I-I, um, did I do something to you?” he asked and then mentally cringing at how desperate he sounded. “Oi...I don’t understand.”It was difficult to read Jack’s emotions when they were only communicating through headphones. Frustrated, Felix tried to wrack his head for possible approaches for this type of situation. The Swede knows without a doubt that Jack treats him differently from other Youtubers. When they were in front of an audience, Jack acted as if Felix was his bestest friend and Felix certainly played along (though he doesn’t know why.) But then like moments like these when they were alone, Jack completely shuts him off. “Do you not like me? Or are you just using me to get attention?” Yup. It was finally out in the open. There was definitely no way of coming back from this now. “No! I—It-it’s just that Mark told me that yer didn’t like it when people gave yer too much attention an’ so I just didn’t want to scare yer off since I talk so much an’ so focking loud and Oi really want to be yer friend an’,” he rambled on and Felix has never heard him speak this much to Felix alone. He doesn’t know why, but a smile started to slowly stretch across his face. Before he could even stop it or even think, he begin to chuckle and Jack immediately stopped talking, only steady breathing could be heard. “Did Oi say somethin’ funny…?” And he did genuinely sound confused. It was cute. “No, no. You’re good,” Felix said and if it possible, Jack sounded even more confused. “Yer-Yer not mad?” he asked.How would Felix explain to the man that the reason why he laughed was because he found him cute when he was embarrassed? All Felix wanted to do was go dig a hole and go inside, and possibly have therapy because why out of a billion living people in the world, was it Jack that Felix had mixed feelings about? “I would love to be your friend, Jack,” said Felix, more confidence in his voice, “and I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel otherwise. I’m not exactly perfect.” If it was even possible, Felix could hear Jack’s jaw dropped and he wasn’t sure if it was because he called him Jack off camera or that Felix actually wanted to be his friend. “‘onestly,” started Jack, “it’s kinda my fault we set aff de wrong feet… Was that the roi way to say it?” “Yes, I think, but continue.” “O-OK, I know I made things awkward an’ that I ‘aven’t been exactly de right or most nicest person to you. Jist know that I’m willin’ to make it up.” Another smile stretched across Felix’s face with Jack’s promise now in his head. “Let’s start over,” said Felix. “My name is Felix, aka, Pewdiepie. What’s yours?” “My name is Seán, aka Jacksepticeye. But yer can call me Jack....friend.”They proceeded to giggle like anime schoolgirls. “Let’s start that game over, shall we?” asked Felix, feeling comfortable for what seemed like a long time with Jack.
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If somebody had told Felix from two years ago that he would be tied up and be repeatedly and mercilessly pie’d by a loud and attractive Irish youtuber, he would’ve bark out a laugh and tell them to piss off. In this case, however, he was very fucking wrong. Despite feeling like his entire face and eyes were bursting into flames because of the shaving cream, (like honestly whatthefuck was in that shit,) he honestly had fun with Jack. Felix wasn’t blind to see that they were closer than ever.There was no longer awkward tensions in the air whenever there was nothing else to say or any need to say something just because the silence was too fucking much to bare. They could finally play around and flirt and fight without it really affecting anything. But holy shit the septiplier fans won’t stop exaggerating every goddamn thing Mark or Jack did. The ship was bound to be brought up in sometime in the panels.It was like no matter where they went, septiplier just had to be brought up. (Felix is mostly to blame once again.)Earlier that day when Jack asked him if he dyed his hair because he was jealous of him and Mark and in all honesty, all Felix heard was jealous and Mark put together. Uncomfortable, he had to turn away and nearly stammer an excuse to not knowing what to answer. So, when Jack repeated himself with more integrity, Pewdiepie fully comprehended the question and breathed out a very hesitant no. If that didn’t make him look any more convincing, than he was doesn’t know what fucking will.“Jury says no, bro,” Jack said with a shit-eating grin and Felix fired back his protests that he was in fact indeed, not, jealous, of anyone or anything. Alright? However, Felix couldn’t help but still be unconvinced and cringe when he noticed how he desperately tried to convince everyone in that room that he wasn’t jealous of Mark or Jack or the fact that they had to shower the fans with juicy content in every single interaction. It was clear that the ship made them uncomfortable and that was why fans were starting to call out the other fans about the strain in their friendship when it was, partially true. Jack had confronted him on how Felix felt personally when fans shipped him with Cry or Ken. “It doesn’t really bother me.” He remembered telling Jack on the speaker phone as he was cleaning his desk area to prepare recording a video. It had to be about a year ago. How Felix remembered, he will never know. “As long as they don’t interfere in my relationship with Mariza, then it’s fine, I guess. How come?”“I don’t know. It’s starting to really bum me out whenever I see these type of comments on my videos and most of them are even about Signe...”Felix could remember telling him to finally talk to his fans about the toxicity in his channel. How septiplier was beyond a force to be reckoned if Jack himself didn’t do anything about it. So Jack did. He posted a long thread on Tumblr (on Tumblr, holy shit) about his frustration. Needlessly to say, Felix was kind of proud of him and he felt like it had to be the fact that it bothered Jack that made the Swedish man so annoyed about septiplier. Jack was a close friend after all…… a friend who was introducing them to Signe himself, smiling broadly.“Mariza. Felix. Meet my partner, Signe.” It was last day in Pax and Pax decided to host a party for all youtubers and their dates. Obviously, Felix invited Mariza, although he didn’t expect to meet Signe for the first time there. Luckily Mariza, who was quick on her feet, gave them a smile of hers and introduced for the both of them as well. “My name is Mariza and this is Felix. It’s so nice to meet you! I love your outfit.”“Ah, thanks! I love yours too! Seán tells me that you’re thinking of creating clothes?” Signe questioned. They continued to exchange words, which Felix understood nothing about. Something with fabric and buttons. Jack clapped his hand onto his shoulder, shaking him out of whatever dumbshit trance he was in. Blue met blue and Jack grinned devilishly. “Ready to git fuckin’ wasted?” he challenged. Felix grinned right back. “Prepare to lose so hard, Irish pussy.” With that bold declaration, he shoved Jack’s surprisingly warm hand off of him and ran to where the bar was. “What the fuck! Felix!” growled loudly Jack behind him. “Git back here, you Swedish bastard!” - - - - “UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH,” slurred Felix, his vision slightly blurry and his head rolled backwards. He was pretty sure he was more wasted than expected to be at the party. Mariza made a sound sounding remotely close to hmph as she tried to carry the weight of Felix on her. “It’s too early to gooo,” he whined, nearly falling over a chair if it wasn’t for his lovely and beautiful girlfriend. “You’re soooo pretty.” Mariza rolled her eyes or made a face, Felix wasn’t sure, but he could see a blush on her cheeks. It was nice to know he still had that kind of impact on her. Mariza had one arm wrapped around Felix’s waist and the other one was attempting to open the bedroom door with all of Felix’s heavy weight over her while his right arm was over Mariza’s broad shoulders and his left arm just dangling there, like a rag doll, it was a surprise that she had enough strength to carry a 5’11 man. “Why do you have to be so fucking heavy?” huffed Marzia and Felix gasped loudly, nearly crashing into the door frame. Her voice was suddenly deep all of a sudden. Did she curse too?“Woah. I’ve never heard you—” he trailed off and frowned when upon noticing that it was now Jack staring right up at him, replacing where Mariza was once standing and supporting him and before Felix could fully comprehend what was happening, Marzia was once again at his side as if it was an illusion all along. “What,” he could only muster as his head lolled backwards, nearly passing out from the intense pounding that was currently happening in his head. The fuck did he drink?Marzia rolled his eyes again and jostled them forward again to the the direction where the one king sized bed was in the center of the bedroom. Felix huffed as he felt his back hit the bed, he stared right up at the ceiling. Giggles start to erupt from his throat and chest was rumbling with laughter. A chicken on a horse. That’s funny.He was pretty sure he blacked out right there before suddenly waking up again. The room was darker and colder. “Felix, sleep,” Marzia’s soft voice echoed in his ringing ears. Her pitch was normal again, it held a tint of sadness although. “It’s late.” She said as she threw a blanket over his body. “I want a kiss again,” whined Felix, getting up on his elbows, a pout on his lips. There was the door wide open right behind his girlfriend, blue light coming from the T.V. Why was his girlfriend up so late at 2 in the morning?“No, Felix, you’re still drunk,” Mariza said, sounding closely hurt for some reason, like she was the one who’s kiss was rejected. Frustrated, he turned onto his side and pulled the blanket onto him even more. Before he could pass out again, there was a distinct bitter taste left in his mouth.
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Ever since Jack moved in from Ireland to Brighton, Felix had been feeling a little more at home. Although, it was also around the time shit started to go down. Felix has never been harshly lashed out on like this before. He had even more shit coming from people. It was difficult to be in the spotlight and be watched 24/7 for every choice and action he makes. He was fucking overcome with depression all of these months he’s been multitasking between checking his tons of emails, managing companies, and recording videos for his youtube channel. Felix didn’t ask to be seen as this public figure. He didn’t want to be compared to those actual fuckers that spread hatred and slurs. The video coming out and having all Hell fall onto his shoulders, it was the final straw. He was so unhappy and stressed out of his fucking mind. Whisky had been his support for the last couple of months. He didn’t feel like himself anymore. It was when he threw back his third sip from his (Fifth? Sixth?) glass of whiskey on one faithful day, he was reading recent comments from his twitter feed. why is @pewdiepie still relevant? #pewdiepieisoverpartyI THOUGHT JACK KNEW BETTER THAN TO DEFEND A FUCKING RACIST @Jack_Septic_Eye @pewdiepie #pewdiepieisoverparty #fakeFelix frowned upon the next comment he saw following that tweet. Jack just uploaded a vid about @pewdiepie ! He’s totally dissing tf outta him!!!!1!! #pewdiepieisoverpartyHe slammed the cup back down harder than expected, the drink flying out everywhere. But the sheer shock is the comment that made him lead no mind. The speed of his mouse clicking to Jack’s channel and seeing the title and his heart nearly dropping in his chest. Jack’s usual funny and goofy thumbnail was replaced with him serious and almost angry. The title Let’s Talk! didn’t make it any better. He checks his messages on Whatsapp to see if Jack was going to let him know about anything of his plan.Felix exists out all of sites. Mark: Are you OK?The whiskey glass shatters to the ground. PJ: what is happening????? His keyboard and mouse flies to the wall. Ken: Im here if u need me man, alright?Mariza comes in running, screaming at him.Jack: I’m sorry. I had to.“Felix!” Mariza snapped him out of it , eyes staring hard at him, but he can’t quite meet her eyes just yet. He’s too busy staring down where the whiskey started to spread out more on the floor. “What–?” Felix blurted out, “He’s sorry.” He started to laugh. It sounded cold and hallow.Mariza seems to know what he’s talking about, and she looks sad. Looking down where the glass shattered into pieces, she stands still as she finally spoke. “He needed to talk about it. You’re his friend, Felix. He just expressed what he thought about the matter. He didn’t speak of any ill about you.”The feeds on Twitter condricticted that statement. Anger roils again in his chest. He dislikes not being in control of most things. He fucking hates how bothered he feels when it’s his family or friends that are the ones talking shit about him. “He’s still your friend, Felix,” said Mariza. Her voice so, so, so pitiful for him. Felix slipped out from under her grip where she went to hold his wrist, and proceeded to walk past her out of his office. “I’ll believe that when he calls me,” said Felix. And later that night, he does. He quickly answered, and then quickly cringed at his greediness to hear the other man’s voice.“Felix...” Jack hesitated. The blond Swede was laying on his bed when he called. It was nearly midnight and Mariza was fast asleep next to him. He couldn’t sleep when he knew almost everyone was against him. It was pathetic. Longing for someone’s attention when they aren’t even theirs to begin with. Before Felix could actually fully sink in the realization of what he was thinking, Jack exhaled deeply through the phone.Then just like that, it was quiet again. The only sound being Mariza breathing slowly and the pugs snoring on his feet. The two grown men were basically hearing each other breathe, how fucking pathetic. “What the fuck–” began Felix, everything he held back recoiling. “I’m sorry,” blurted Jack, Felix inwardly cringed at Jack’s loud declaration and jerked the phone away from his ear. “I’m sorry,” he added once again, “I had to speak up. I couldn’t just stand there and do nothing.” Felix sighed, running his free hand through his hair in frustration. “Don’t you see how incredibly stupid you are?” hissed angrily Felix. “You just had to make it all about you, didn’t you?” From the moment Felix finished talking, he quickly got out of bed and out into the hallway, knowing damn well that Jack was not going to take that with a pinch of salt.Clearly shocked and hurt based on how it nearly took a whole minute for him to reply, Jack snapped, “About me!? I’m sorry who was it again that decided to make a stupid focking joke about Jewish people— like, really Felix!? If ye’ve actually seen the video like everyone else who actually did listen to what I was saying, ye would’ve known that I am yer friend and what ye did was incredibly stupid. So, no, I’m not making it about me. It’s always been about making it about ye, Felix. Why can’t you see that ye have people who are by yer side? Not everyone is against you.” It being Felix’s turn to be shocked, he stayed quiet. It was true. He didn’t even give the video a chance. He did what everyone else did and read the comments and the reactions from other people to the video. Felix made a mistake. Actually, a lot of mistakes.“Fuck you,” breathed out Jack when Felix didn’t answer in what seemed like a long time, not really sounding like he meant it.“You’re right, Jack.” The back of his head thumped against the wall. “I guess seeing the comments to that video was like, the last call.”Jack was quiet. “...What do ye mean?” Felix doesn’t know why it felt like a huge burden on his heart, his throat quickly dried up and sweat formed on his palms and forehead. He felt sick. He sees Mariza slightly moving in her sleep for a moment, and then proceeds to get comfortable and softly sighs. He doesn’t remember the last time he had slept like that before.“I…” Felix trailed off, staring at Mariza in her peaceful slumber, clearly oblivious to the fact that her partner out of the bed and was currently talking to another person on the phone. “I’m just sorry, alright? That won’t happen again,” he promised.“Wha–...” he stopped. Another pause, like he isn’t sure if whether to say something or not. “O.K.” The man on the other side of the phone sounded like there was a pressing need to get something off his chest. What was he doing in that moment? Felix got himself wondering. Was he in his office? Was he in bed? Was there that little furrow in between his brows? Was Signe sleeping on her side of their bed? Did Jack hate him? Guilt choked him from air as the realizations dawned on him, and he slaps a hand over his mouth to avoid anything coming out like a pathetic sob.Fuck.It’s not such a shock to Felix that he have long liked men. From a young age, he followed his parents’ steps to get a girlfriend, get married, and give his parents grandchildren. Simple. Right? Even his own family had thought he was gay for a while. It really shouldn’t be such a shock. But the fact that it was Jack, had something in of him destroying at his insides and tearing everything apart.He experimented in university of course, but there was no men that could really keep his attention for longer than a week, then he would get bored and move on to the next person. His sexuality didn’t really matter now that he was with Mariza. Mariza. Felix had loved her with all of his heart. She was incredibly beautiful, funny, charming, and creative. He would give up anything to always be with her. There’s no doubt the guilt poked at him whenever he was with her, seeing her so carefree and smiling made him hate himself so much. Then there was Jack. There was always something about him that drew Felix want to be closer to him. All of the touches, lingering stares, and sexual innuendos didn’t help his case. Jack always had this magnetic energy around him. Everybody loved Jack. And Felix was one of these fools. He fell for his charm, humor, calming blue eyes, his laugh, his open yet mysterious aura. It was so stupid. Why would Felix fall for him when he already had someone else? When Felix had Mariza? He isn’t supposed to feel guilty whenever he looks at his girlfriend. “Felix?” Mariza’s voice rang out.The Swede looks up from the floor and blue and brown eyes meet each other. Mariza looks wide awake, a small frown upon her lips.“Who are you talking to?” she asked.Jack’s breathing quieted. Why? “I’m just talking to Jack. He, uh, had an emergency,” he lamely said.Mariza finally reacts, but it’s not the way he expected. Her eyes widened and she expresses fear. “Is he okay?” Felix nodded.Mariza calms down, like she expected something else worse.“Oh,” she said dumbly and remaining oblivious. “I’m going back to sleep.” She yawned cute then made her way back to their room.The call ended.
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Realizing he has feelings for his friend did not stop him from wanting to be constantly near him, if anything, it made him grow even more feelings. His stupid crush also built this burning guilt in his gut for Mariza. It didn’t help at all that Jack was this enigma that even he couldn’t resist. Felix knows it was fucked up. He knows it more than anyone that he didn’t deserve anything in this world. He doesn’t see what others see in him. Though, he still tells himself he wasn’t doing anything outrageous— yet here he was, getting coffee for the both of them for a video. He picks up the two cups— one was decaf (he can’t be caffeined anymore) and one was Jack’s favorite (found out by observations…. what a stalker). Driving to Jack’s place should not have to feel so bad everytime he goes there. The Swede was well-aware of the fact that their partners saw this meet up as an innocent meeting. Still, his heart skips whenever he sees Jack. He parks at his usual spot and grabs the coffees from the cup holder. However, just as he was able to balance all two cups and his keys in each hand, his phone rings. “Shit-“ hissed Felix, nearly dropping everything. He places the cups on the roof of the car and fishes out his phone, seeing the caller ID. He frowns at the name, confused, but he answers. “Hello?” he says. “Felix,” Signe says back, out of breath and clearly sounding like she was in a rush. However, his heart drops when he realizes her tone was not OK. “Are you almost there?” she asks. “I’m already here,” he replies, confused and slightly nervous. “Why do you sound—?” “Please go check on him,” she begs. “I’m not there right now and I don’t know what’s happening.” Now Felix was definitely scared. “W-What?” He was already speedwalking (definitely running) to the doors of the building. He balances the phone that was on his shoulder in order to carry the cups. “Signe, what’s going on? Where are you?” Signe’s breathing is uneven. “I’m not there right now. I… I don’t live with him anymore… God, I’m so stupid, Felix.” Starting to sprint up the stairs, he tightens his grip on the cups in worry. “Answer my question,” Felix demands, his hand already on the door of where Jack’s floor was. When he opens the door, he freezes in his steps, his eyes widening with shock. There were people surrounding a figure on the floor. An African-American woman performed CPR on him, yelling at the man standing by her to tell the people he was on the phone with to hurry. Another woman stared at them with shock as well, her hand over her mouth as she stared at the scene. Light as day, Felix could see Jack on the floor, unconscious and on his back. The door of his apartment wide opened. There was no sight of blood or anything that would signal any kind of attack. The cups fall onto the ground, spilling everywhere. His phone hits the floor as well. He runs towards them. “I already called the medical services,” said the old man, “but they are stuck in traffic right now and don’t know what time they’ll be here….” In a heartbeat, Felix picks up Jack looping his arms under his neck and his legs. He leaves them all there but thankfully the woman pressed the down button for the elevator. “Go!” she rushes. The ride down the elevator was the slowest 10 seconds of his life. He doesn’t dare to look down at Jack’s face. He carries Jack into the passenger’s seat and quickly runs around to the driver seat. He turns on the car and immediately starts driving to the direction of the nearest hospital. Luckily, which happened to be six minutes from them. If he gets tickets of any sort, he will pay them all. Felix with shaky hands turns off the car and goes back to Jack, carrying him once again, the adrenaline helping him. He nearly trips as he screams for help. “Help! Please!” he screams, desperately looking around for any doctors. “He’s not waking up!!!” Two nurses run to him, doing their jobs. One was a tall brunette with brown eyes and the other was an Asian man. The man grabs the stretcher that was against the nearby wall and tells Felix to lay him down there. “What happened?” the woman asks. “I don't know. He just isn’t waking up-“ he stammers, his throat closing up in anxiety, “He was on the floor and…” The male nurse checks his eyes with a flashlight. “His heart is failing. Get him to the ER.” Felix flinches back from her words, unknowingly letting go of the stretcher. He helplessly watches as the two nurses push him towards what was the room. Brushing the hair off from face he looks around the room, trying to calm his nerves. There were people sitting in the waiting area, all seeing the scene unfold. His shaky hands goes for his phone in his pocket and he quickly realizes he left it on the floor back at Jack’s apartment. “Fuck,” he curses, his voice cracking with emotion. Just when the room seemed to be getting smaller, a nurse walks up to him, a clipboard in hand. Her calm expression did nothing for his rapid beating heart. Felix knows she wants him to relax but the memory of seeing Jack on the floor— another wave of dread washes over him as he drops to the floor, his knees up to his chest. The woman lowers to his level, a hand on his shoulder. “Sir, are you feeling unwell? Should we have someone check on you?” she asks. Felix shakes his head, releasing a well needed sigh. “I need to know what’s happening.” “I’m afraid I don’t know yet, but are you a friend? A close relative?” He nods his head. “Friend.” “Is it possible that you know his medical history?” He shakes his head, his eyes focusing on her White shoes. They were those horrid Crocs. Sighing, she tries to grab his attention. “Do you know anyone from his family? A spouse?” Spouse. Right. It was far too suspicious that Signe seemed to know what was happening. Perhaps, she knew. With that, he gets back up and they begin to talk about how he could contact her.
Signe finally shows up at the hospital when the doctor comes out. Felix was unable to ask her anything. Heart heavy, Felix listens to the doctor.
Chronic Heart Failure. Stroke. Fourth and final stage. Chances of survival are getting very low. Best thing to do is for him to stay here. He should be awake now.
Signe thanks him and the doctor leaves them alone. The Swede grabs a fistful of his pants, eyes casting down again. “He didn’t want me to tell you,” Signe starts, voice desperate when they were outside his door. “He refuses to let anyone know except his family. Please don’t take it out on him harshly.” He ignores her and opens the door to Jack’s room.
Jack. His friend.
Felix’s heart squeezes in his chest as he takes in the scene. The brown-haired Irish man was sitting up and staring out the window. It was bizarre to see Jack in a hospital gown and in a bed.
Nobody noticed. No one could ever see this coming.
The door makes a sound when it hits the wall, causing Jack to flinch and look at him. Felix hates the expression he makes. Jack visibly tenses as he makes himself look smaller under Felix's intense stare.
How long was this happening?
For the first time, the Swede could see how tired and weak Jack looked under the hospital light. The bags under his eyes and how pale his skin was.
Did it hurt?
Signe walks into the room and closes the door behind Felix, her posture also small and ashamed.
All this time?
Jack opens his mouth but closes it, his eyes wide with terror and hidden tears.
Why?
Jack’s body shook with tremors when Felix stood by his bed, heavy tears finally falling and low sobs falling from his mouth. Signe behind them muffles her mouth with her hand, eyes watering. “Felix,” Jack cried, his hand over Felix’s. “Please stop crying. I don’t want to see you crying because of me. Please.”
Why him?
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Once they were both finished crying, they sat alone in the hospital room. Signe left earlier to give them the privacy they needed. It was getting late by the time Jack decided to speak. The sun was already disappearing. “They found out when it was too late,” he started by saying, eyes still averted from Felix’s, “They said it was too much of a risk to do a heart transplant. But they’re saying those chances are much better than the ones I have right now. I thought I could get away with it. I wouldn’t have to make everyone worry about me. My fans would have been suffering knowing I had to go through this everyday. I rather keep it hidden than have to tell everyone—”Felix arruptly cuts him off, “But then it would be too late, wouldn’t it?” The hollowness of his chest deepened.Jack shuts up, eyes finally on him in shock. “I found you on the floor, Jack,” Felix hisses. “When were you ever going to tell them? When were you ever going to tell me?”Jack didn’t move, still silent. He finally looked ashamed of himself for once.“I’m upset you didn't tell me. I blame myself for not noticing you in pain sooner, for forcing you to do things.” Jack quickly shakes his head. “I purposely hid it from you, Felix. I didn't want anyone to find out, please don’t blame yourself—”“Why would you want to hide this!?” he snaps. “You don’t get to choose whether I blame myself or not. Just like how you didn’t let me choose to know about you being sick!”“Oh, stop being dramatic!” Jack yells back. “Mariza would’ve at least told you—” “What?”Jack’s face drops as he realizes what he has said. He slaps his hand on his face, groaning.Felix tenses up at the confession. “Mariza knows?”The Irish man sighs, “Yes, she knows. I told her to keep it a secret.”The night when Jack called him about the video finally makes sense. It suddenly made senwhy she got so worried about Jack. “Great,” Felix snarls, rolling his eyes. “I must’ve looked like an idiot to you all.”Jack glares at him. “Stop that.”“Or what, Irish pussy?”That shut Jack up. He looks away and finds the windows interesting again. Felix almost feels bad when he sees his pout. It was a few minutes when Jack spoke up again.“You look like shit,” Jack quietly remarks, his failed attempt at a comeback.Felix couldn’t help the small laugh that fell out. “Not as much as you do,” he says, his fond tone betraying him.Jack smiles, but it disappears back into a small frown. “You should go back to your house” he says, moving in his bed, clearly uncomfortable. “Mariza must be worried.”Ah, right. His phone.“Yeah. I’ll be back here again.” He stands up and Jack looks up at him with wide eyes.“I’ll be fine—”Felix puts up his hand. “Bullshit,” he says, smiling. “I’ll bring anything you need from outside. So, just text me— err, text Mariza.”The Irish man sighs again, his shoulders slumping. “Alright,” he says, clearly giving up trying to convince the stubborn Swede. When he was halfway to leaving the room, he stopped himself from looking back at Jack. Maybe as a reminder that Jack was alright, that he was still alive and not on the floor, motionless. To think that Felix could have lost Jack that day. Felix sighs and he finally leaves the room, useless thoughts evading his mind. Once Felix gets home, he feels the exhaustion weighing on him. He does not confront Mariza who was waiting in the living room for him. He does not bother to take off the clothes he had on that day. He does not try to think of what tomorrow will bring. He lets the sleep take him as his head hits the pillow.The very next day, he shows up with food and things for Jack. “So, I did my research,” Felix started, all of the objects fitting miraculously in his arms. Jack stares with shock at Felix. The Swede ignores his starting protests, putting the things down on the small table next to the bed. “It says to keep you moving. So later we should take walks around the hospital-““Felix.”“-I already talked with the doctor and he says it should be OK now for you to be out of the bed. I also saw how-““Felix!” The Swede stopped, finally paying attention to the man in bed. His throat tightened with nervousness.Jack attempted to sigh but it triggered something as he started to violently cough, his hand instantly going to cover his mouth. Felix sprung to his side, his own hands hovering over Jack’s hunched back. Felix’s face twisted in frustration as he realized he did not know how to help his friend. Before Felix could come up with some thorn stupid, like screaming for a nurse while running in circles, Jack sat up staight again, his hand still over his mouth. His eyes were teary and his breathing haggard. “Hey, are you–?” Jack cut him off, “Can you please get me paper towels from the bathroom?”Felix stupidly nodded and walked to the bathroom, mentally kicking himself for being slow and not helping at all. He unrolled paper and walked back to Jack. Seeing Jack again in the bed made him feel strange things. There was a tightness in his chest that wouldn’t go away. He handed the paper towels, hating how Jack did not want to look at him as the younger male took them. Pink slimy fluid is cleaned from his hand and Felix’s heart drops. “You’re only hurting yourself if you stay,” Jack says.Felix gulped, unclenching his fist that was hanging by his side. “I know.” Felix looked away, paying attention to the objects he brought earlier. “I still want to help.”“I have nurses and doctors that can do that, Felix. Don’t you have videos to be working on?” asked Jack.Felix shook his head. “I’ll go on break. It’s been awhile since I’ve been on one anyway.”“And you rather spend it with me?”The desperate tone got his attention as he stared at Jack. Yes. “You’re my best friend, remember?” Smiled Felix. “We need to collaborate in a video again. The fans want to see my redemption from that video.”I’d spend all the time you have left if it meant staying with you longer.“Stubborn bastard,” Jack laughed breathlessly. “What did you bring anyway? Oh-! Is that Cards Against Humanity?”And so they played, and if it seemed like Jack was winning too many times, don’t blame Felix. He liked seeing Jack’s face brighten up whenever he thought he found the perfect match.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“
Felix
!” Jack screeched as the blond Swede kicked the cold water his way, and the latter guffawed with his head rolled back. “You fucking arsehole!”
They all decided to go to the beach where Felix happened to visit a lot. Then they both had the same crazy idea to go skinny-dipping (with their underwear on of course.) Marzia decided on recording them entering the waters for memories. It was a cloudy day again in Brighton, but there was a pleasant breeze.
“Come on,” the blond urged his friend and proceeded forwards into the waters.
Jack struggled a bit since the water was freezing and the currents kept pushing him back. A certain current nearly knocked him over but Felix quickly grabbed his hand to avoid him falling completely in.
The Swede tried not to think much about it when Jack squeezed his hand tighter. Felix laughed to shrug it off and tugged forward with Jack on his side.
It was a wondrous moment to fight the waters together, feeling powerful like it was the two of them against the world.
Felix blinked his eyes open to him resting his head on top of his crossed arms, mentally racking his brain from how he ended up in this situation.
Right.
Jack.
Felix stood up straight from his spot and immediately cringing in pain that surged from his neck. He rubbed at it as he turned his head to fully look at him.
The Irish man was wide awake looking at him. It worried Felix a bit that Jack looked so serious.
“Uh…? You good?” Felix asked.
Jack sighed as if he was getting tired of Felix’s shit. “I thought about what you said yesterday,” he says, his voice quiet, “and I should make a video.”
Felix inwardly winced at his declaration. They had talked about the future of Jack’s channel. The dark-haired man was largely resistant to updating his fans about his condition, but the amount of attention of his disappearance was too much to bear for both YouTubers. Felix won’t admit it, but he has heard of nights where Jack struggled to sleep after looking at comments on every social platform three weeks of his sudden absence. Felix finally confronted him.
“Jack, they deserve to know,” he tells him after walking around in the hospital’s garden earlier that week. The said garden was well-tended, but were all slowly dying off due to the colder temperatures. They were both sitting on a bench near the entrance so Jack could take a break. Felix could not deny the signs of Jack’s own body failing him.
The latter’s grip tightened on the IV pole and his face scrunched up in conflict. Jack refused to look at Felix as he spoke, “No… I can’t… They’ll be so sad that I’m dying.”
Felix stopped himself from flinching at his words. Jack had finally brought up the thing Felix feared ever since he found out about his health. Jack has always cared too much about the people around him, so it was no surprise Jack struggled to tell them the truth.
“How can I fucking do that to them, Felix? I’m terrified that so many people will be affected by this shite,” Jack’s voice cracked bitterly, bringing the pole closer to his body, “They’ll send their fucking wishes and prayers my way but-
Felix
.” Jack finally looked at his way with such desperation that Felix wished he could do anything at that moment to get rid of that feeling for him. “I can die at any moment. I accepted my fate a while ago, but shite, now that I actually have something to live for— n-not that I wanted to die but— I hate that I actually am so fucking
scared
now.”
Jack’s head hung low as he sobbed.
Felix’s heart broke.
“I-I-I did so much just for it to g-go down the fucking drain,” Jack cried, his body shaking, “I-I want to live. I want to keep creating things. I want to be with my f-friends, my family, my f-fans, l—“ He shook his head as his breath hitched. “T-They don’t deserve to feel sad. Nobody does because of me…”
Felix wrapped his arm around Jack’s shoulders and pulled him into a hug. Jack froze but didn’t back away. They barely hugged, but at that moment it felt necessary and very-well needed. The Swede rested his chin on top of the latter’s head as his other hand rested on Jack’s back. It warmed Felix and hoped it did the same for Jack.
“You’re not letting down anyone, Jack,” Felix said calmly, despite his chest feeling hollow, “Your fans will be upset, but it’s not only because they won’t see anymore videos, but because they’ll miss you. You did so many amazing and kind things that of course people will remember you forever for. You’ve left your mark on this world, it won’t go down the drain. You have affected too many people to forget you like that. Your friends and your family and your fans will keep your memories alive. I’ll damn make sure no one ever forgets you because you deserve to feel like you are a good person.”
Jack sobbed into Felix’s chest as he shook even more.
After a moment under the sun that once seemed to shine brighter, “
Thank you
,” Jack breathed.
Later that day, Felix had to go home. He forced himself to not think much about what happened. The urge to drink till he passed out rose but he could not afford to relapse, especially if Jack needed someone by his side. Jack’s parents were distraught by his decision to move away from home where he was receiving constant help. They pushed him away, disappointed and ghosted him ever since he moved. He admitted that he felt upset by their sudden disowning, but shrugged.
Jack probably felt happy that less people would be hurt.
Felix ignored the way his hand shook when he opened the door to the entrance, however he froze once upon seeing all the lights on in his house.
Mariza stood in the middle of the living room with her back to him and with her arms crossed. The house was too clean and too quiet for Felix’s liking.
“Mariza?” Felix questioned, walking into his home and putting down his backpack that he would often bring to visit Jack. That was when he noticed two suitcases by the counter and the dogs in their respective cages. “Are you going somewhere? Why are you taking them?”
She finally turned around and her facial expression was grim.
“Yesterday was our anniversary.”
Felix’s breathing hitched and his eyes widened in shock.
Fuck
.
“Instead of spending time with me, you went to visit him all day again,” Mariza said, her voice was anything but her usual, as if she was holding back a lot. “I realized many things yesterday when I was sitting by myself at our table… We don’t go out anymore. You’re not affectionate. You are never home. But the one thing I cannot stop thinking about is—” She stared into Felix’s eyes, her breathing haggard. “I cannot remember the last time you said ‘I love you’ to me.”
Felix shook his head in denial, of what Felix doesn’t know. “Mariza, you’re not— you can’t be serious. We watched a film together on Sunday—“
“You were texting him throughout the movie,” she interrupted, angrily. “You didn’t even know what was happening!”
Felix gulped as he felt his hand start to shake again. Has it been shaking more lately? “Look, look, I know I have been out a lot more recently, but you have to understand I need— I want to be there for him…”
“I know, but you have your own life too!” she cried, “You don’t help out around the house anymore, I have to take out the dogs to walk all the time while you’re over there. I cook and clean for one. When was the last time you did something for yourself?”
The Swede scowled. “I thought you would’ve been understanding. He’s my friend.”
“And I’m your girlfriend.” Her eyes glistened with tears. There was a time when Felix would immediately apologize for making her cry and comfort her, but he felt too defensive and on edge to care. “Even now, you can’t say I love you, can you?”
Felix thought of Jack sitting up in his bed, staring off to the side and laughing at something he had said.
He was beginning to drown in his own guilt.
“Of course, I can,” Felix said angrily. “Is it really necessary for you to leave though? Were you just going to disappear?”
“Say it then,” snapped Mariza, she was suddenly in front of him. Felix felt suffocated, the guilt reaching up to his mouth and nose. “Say it now and I won’t leave.”
Felix’s jaw tensed.
Mariza’s face twisted into pain. She immediately walked past Felix to the door where her luggages was.
“Wait, Mariza!” He frantically grabbed her arm. Felix wanted to desperately fight back against the feelings of denial and fear. “Don’t go. I am in love with you-”
Liar
. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You have been by my side this entire time and I am an idiot for forgetting our anniversary yesterday. I’m sorry. It won’t ever happen again. We can do anything you want to do again. Let’s go to Japan again this year by ourselves, alright?” She continued to stare at him, her lips tightly pressed together. Then, her eyes started to widen with hope.
“Just please let me stay with him until he gets better or…” he trailed off, unwilling to finish that sentence.
Mariza’s stare became sour as she yanked her arm back from him. Felix’s heart dropped and the waters finally swallowed him whole. “Good-bye, Felix,” she said, walking away again.
He cursed under his breath, brushing his hair back with his hand.
“Also...” She stopped in her tracks, looking over her shoulder, “You are in love… but just not with me.”
Mariza leaves with the dogs by her side and her luggages.
Felix is alone.
He drank for the first time in six months.
Her words ringing in his head.
Now, Felix was helping Jack set up his camera and microphone for his video. He could see from the corner of his eyes how nervous Jack looked, he kept looking outside the window on the couch the hospital provided with the room and at the small mirror in his hand. Felix couldn’t help but linger at Jack’s fingers that were turning blue at the tips of his fingers.
“Fe’.”
Felix startled, and looked expectantly at him.
Jack softly smiled. “Do ye mind if I asked ye to step out of the room for a sec’? I wanted some privacy when I record the videos.”
It shouldn’t be surprising, but Felix is disappointed anyway. He nodded and turned away from Jack to walk out.
A hand grabbed Felix’s hand before he could even take a step.
The blonde’s heart skipped a beat and he looked at Jack. His blue eyes remained the same as Felix remembered them. Ever since Jack was admitted to the hospital that now made sense why his home was so close to, he was losing weight and his skin was paler with patches of lightly tinted blue. Jack had rapidly started losing feelings in his legs and no longer had the strength to move around. He relied on Felix and the nurses to take him to the bathroom and sometimes feed him. The worst moments though were Jack’s bad coughing episodes. They lasted for so long that Felix actually worried whether that was the last time Jack would be alive. However, the episodes would eventually last and Felix would feel so much at those moments that he would need to leave the room while the doctors or nurses checked on Jack. They would argue afterwards whether it was even necessary that Felix stayed at the hospital for so long. However, Jack would always win. Felix would be sent home for the day and immediately come back the next day. Jack’s voice was no longer loud and energetic, but instead soft and quiet, nothing like the Jack he was used to.
Still, Felix loved him.
“Thank you, again,” Jack said, the smile still on his chapped lips and out of breath, “for everything.”
Felix wanted to cry. Instead, “Of course, Jack,” he forced it out, his voice almost betraying him.
He was sent out of the room and waited.
About an hour later, Felix was called back in. He did feel kinda pathetic waiting like a dog, but he couldn’t help but notice how anxious he was to go back into the room. The paranoia ate at him the further time he was away from him.
Jack’s eyes were slightly red as if he had been crying and rubbing them dry. There were some clean and bloodied tissues by his side. However, Jack’s expression was of shock, which betrayed his clearly previous feelings. His phone was by his side, the light bright on his screen.
“Felix— is it true?”
The Swede frowned. “What is?” He won’t admit his heart dropped a bit.
“You and Mariza broke up?” he finally says, his eyes wider than Felix has seen in a while.
Goddamnit.
“Yeah, it’s true,” sighed Felix, he sat in his usual spot next to Jack. He was hoping Jack did not know the whole truth. “It… it was shocking to me too.”
Not
. His consciousness snarled at him, the waters coming back.
Jack now looked baffled and stared at Felix like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
The dark haired man shook his head in disbelief. “Sorry, maybe it’s just me, but you don’t seem that upset about it!?” he shockingly claimed. “Was it a while ago?“
Felix winced.
Lie to him
.
“Yesterday,” he said anyway.
“
What
—!?” The latter suddenly sat up straighter, triggering a couple of non-serious coughs.
Felix was immediately on him, trying to push him back before Jack could even get out of the bed and probably slap the shit out of him. “Let’s please not make it into a big deal. I'm still trying to figure things out and I really rather not, uh, talk about it,” he tells him.
With you, at least.
“But—“ Jack fought.
“
Jack
,” Felix pleaded. “I fucked it up. I realize it and now I’m just as confused as to what to do.”
“What do you mean you fucked it up?“ Jack frowned, his eyebrows furrowing in worry then suddenly into anger. “Did you do something to her?”
Felix inwardly groaned. “No, it’s not like that. I’ve just been a bad boyfriend and not giving her the shit she needed.”
Jack’s face turned into conflict. “Is it because… of…. me?“ he asked hesitantly.
“Why would you think it was because of you?” Felix frowned.
He knows
.
Jack pursed his lips and looked away. “Nothing.”
Lie
.
Felix feels angry. “When did you and Mariza get so close anyway?”
Jack doesn’t say anything.
“What? Sharing each other's secrets suddenly makes you guys best friends? You guys talk shit about me too?”
“Shut up!” growled Jack, “It was in person after I told her about my condition, but—“
“When was this?” Felix confronted.
Jack visibly paled.
“The only times I remembered when you guys were presently talking was when you came to visit from Brighton and at PAX—“ Felix halted.
He remembered Mariza—Jack?— carrying him to his room at the hotel, but cannot for the life of him remember what happened afterwards.
“What happened when I got to my room?”
Felix noticed Jack’s immediate uncomfortableness.
“You knocked out on your bed,” he said too quickly with fake confidence.
Felix shook his head, stubborn to get to the bottom of this. “No, I remember you carrying me to my bed and I—“
Jack looked embarrassed and avoided any eye contact, he even turned pink.
Felix gets flustered too despite still being confused. “Oh, my God. What did I do?” he demanded.
“Felix, you were really drunk…”
He could distinctly remember a blurry Jack from a kneeled position, staring up at him with worried eyes.
“You were staring at me so weirdly,” said Felix, his mind a million miles away and trying to remember what happened that night. “Why were you…?”
“
Felix
,” warned Jack, his hand clenching the blanket next to him. “Drop it now.”
The bitter taste of scotch left in his mouth struck the final chord.
With a stampede occurring in his heart and the loud ringing in his ears, the room felt smaller and it felt like he was falling backwards. The words left his mouth, “I kissed
you
.”
“
Fuck
, Felix!”
The blond’s eyes snapped to the dark-haired male who yelled out loud, with tears in his eyes, staring right at him.
Ah…. That’s why.
He felt so small under Jack’s anger and couldn’t stand it.
“I’m so sorry, Jack,” Felix started, feeling disgusted with himself. “I can't— I can’t believe I did that to you. I don’t under— know why you’re still friends with me… I… I’m so fucking disgusting.
Helvete
.
Hah
. I don’t deserve to be forgiven. You must hate me so much.”
Look now. You’re drinking again. You’re taking advantage of him again.
You’re disgusting.
“....I don’t hate ye.”
Felix looked up in shock to meet his serious eyes.
“I don’t hate ye because I… I didn’t know why I didn’t stop ye. All I knew was that I was scared.”
Felix wanted to die.
“I was scared because I did not
not
like it..”
Felix blanched. “You… what?” he asked.
“I liked… kissing ye…” Jack looked away again, his cheeks visibly redder but his eyebrows furrowed in anger. With what, Felix does not know. His hand went to cover the bottom half of his face. “I didn’t understand why my body was reacting that way. I never thought I would be gay— well, bisexual… because I never found guys attractive— well, hmm, there’s Chris Pratt… sorry… but I never thought of me being in a relationship with them. I just didn’t mind being kissed by ye is the point. I just… didn’t know what to do. I was shocked you felt that way this entire time. We were with our partners too and it just felt wrong in terms of us being in relationships. But I realized it didn’t feel so wrong to kiss you. So, I just ran…”
Well, there goes the confession. Jack just simplified his years of repressed emotions for him in a sentence. “So… What? You didn’t mind it at all?” Felix asked, hopefully that Jack wouldn’t hate him for his past drunken mistakes. Suddenly— “You…does this mean you, you think, you like… me?”
What were they? High schoolers with crushes?
Jack stared at him, worryingly. “Don’t you?” he asked.
He never stopped
.
“Yeah… I do,” he said, feeling ashamed and relieved at the same time.
Jack’s hand hesitantly reached over to Felix, softly grabbing the collar of his shirt and pulling him in close. Felix could not find it in himself to resist him. “Forgive me, but I have to make sure,” he says inches from his face before kissing him.
Felix was in pure bliss. He thought it would be weird to kiss a man but his lips were soft and warm. He immediately placed a hand on Jack’s increasingly warm cheek and leaned more into the kiss. Felix for the life of him could not remember the feeling of kissing him the first time. The shock and pleasure running through his body.
“
Sean
, I’m sorry,” Felix said between kisses, desperation in his voice and actions. “I didn’t mean to make it so complicated.”
“Shut up, it’s all forgiven now,” snapped Jack before kissing him again.
Felix felt relieved for the first time in a while.
The next day, as suspected, the video was the #1 most trending and received support worldwide. Jack and Felix read the comments and tweets together. Felix continued to be by his side as Jack cried from the overwhelming emotions and support from his fans and friends.
It’s ok, Jack. We’ll all forever miss you and your videos, but we’ll be fine, please take care of yourself,
commented a fan.
Felix refused to watch the video, unable to accept the fact that Jack would no longer be around. Jack does not know this.
“I feel so . . . relieved,” gasped Jack, his eyes red, “I really thought I wouldn’t be able to tell people about this…”
Felix is silent.
“Felix… if it wasn't for you, they would have never known what happened to me.”
Jack sounded grateful, but Felix could not help but feel so bitter and upset.
“Please don’t thank me for that…” Felix sighed as he finally turned his attention to Jack.
The other male frowned and looked slightly hurt. He rested his hand on Felix’s cheek. “What’s wrong?” he asked, genuinely concerned.
The touch felt so foreign and so nice at the same time. Felix allowed himself to gently lean into the touch.
“It feels wrong for you to be grateful… it just doesn't seem like there’s anything you should be thankful for..” he confessed, heart heavy.
Jack shook his head, smiling sadly. “Don’t ye see me being grateful that you're ‘ere? I am happy. I would’ve been alone this entire time.”
Felix’s heart broke at the thought of Jack being alone at this hospital with no one by his side.
“I won’t leave you,” promised Felix, grasping his fingers around Jack’s wrist, “not when we finally talked about it.” He kisses the palm with confidence that came out of nowhere.
Jack’s cheeks pinkened lightly. “Stubborn bastard,” he joked, smiling and his eyes crinkling.
“No, you,” responded Felix in the same tone, smiling too.
Jack held his hand more as the days went by.
He does not know why.
But he lets him anyway.
Jack didn’t speak as much either.
He would smile or grimace at something Felix did.
He struggled to breathe too.
The doctor and nurses would soon begin to crowd the room as days went by.
In the rare times they did get to be alone, Felix would climb into his bed and they would hold one another. Felix knew it was wrong to love two people, but… in this moment, all Felix wanted was for Jack to feel better, to heal, to laugh loudly again. Felix desperately missed the Jack he knew. But in the darker parts of Felix, he felt special that he was able to be with him all the time. Jack has had visitors, but at the end of the day, they would be together. Felix could pretend they were a normal couple.
Felix was selfish.
He had someone else that loved him.
God, someone that loved him for a long time.
But no one could understand the love the Swede had for Jack.
No one could ever understand how Jack saved Felix- how Jack made it easier for him to live.
One cold early morning, Jack spoke under his breath so quietly Felix could barely hear it. They were laying on the bed together, the hospital silent and dark. The date of the heart surgery was the very next day.
“Felix,” he only said.
“Y-Yeah?” the other man responded, not realizing that he hugged the Irish man tighter into himself.
“You… are the best thing… to ever happen to me…” he said between deep breaths, his hands shaking, “I’m ‘orry… I can’t make time longer…. I wish… I… I don't want… you to be… alone like… I was… The thing… I’m scared of most… when I leave,” Jack tried to hold back a sob, “is you being
alone…
Please… take care of yourself. I don’t want you… to be
sad…
I h
-hate
see…ing you
sad…
” Jack cried.
Felix tried to quickly blink away the growing tears in his eyes. He could feel Jack burrowing his head in the crook of his neck. Felix dug his free hand into Jack’s hair to hold him closer.
“I know,” Felix said.
“It’s… so
cruel…
that you have to…. see me like… this…” Jack gasped out. Felix ignores the wetness on his shoulder.
“I know,” Felix repeated, “but I wanted to see you.”
“
Felix
,” Jack cried.
The Swede wasn’t sure who was shaking anymore.
“I wish… you didn't love me…”
Felix shook his head. “I will never wish that,” Felix said, his voice breaking. “You can’t make life change, so, you can’t ever make me not love you.”
He would always regret not confessing sooner. He would always regret not holding him more. He would always regret not being honest to himself.
“I will
never
regret loving you, Jack, even though it hurts like hell, I can’t let you be alone.”
Jack was quiet, and Felix could feel the beginning of hysteria rising in his chest, but he spoke again.
“Okay,” he said.
Jack did not make it to the end of surgery.
It was risky.
Felix could not remember how long he stayed standing up as they told him the news.
He does remember calling close friends, and eventually calling Jack’s parents.
They didn't say anything other than thank you for letting them know and hung up immediately.
He remembered getting to his home, but not how.
Mariza was at the front door, waiting.
She hugged him and he let her, despite the guilt coming back in waves.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, weeping.
Felix is too.
The day after his funeral, he goes back home. He walks up the stairs and to his dusty gaming office.
Felix sat down at his desk and stared at the blank computer screen.
He could see the tiredness in his eyes and the overgrown hair on his head and face.
He turns on the computer and goes to the app where he would always video call Jack.
He calls him.
It rang.
No answer.
Felix was left staring at the icon of Jack’s smiling face.
Felix finally spoke in what seemed like forever since Jack died, “Thank you…. for everything. For being my friend, for being there for me… I don’t know when I’ll ever feel this comfortable again… you’ve given me the best days of my life being by your side… I…” he struggled to breathe. Jack kept smiling back at him. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry you had to die like this…” His voice cracked as tears flowed from his eyes again. It seemed like he was never going to be out of tears. “Y-You should’ve never have to die. You didn’t deserve this…
God
, I love you. I was so stupid for not realizing it earlier. I should’ve just told y-you. I made everyone around me suffer. This is so unfair, Jack. I don’t know what to do…”
He sobbed, his hand shaking, but he wouldn't dare to drink again. “I love you so much Jack… and it hurts like hell.”