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Looking around the room at your peers one thing kept crossing your mind. You were probably the only person in the room who did not want to debut. In fact, this whole thing was an accident. You suppose less of an accident and more of a very calculated plan that you hadn’t thought all the way through, so you call it an accident. An accident that could be stopped but wouldn’t. This plan had come from late sleepless nights. From dreams and painful realities. You didn’t know any other way of accomplishing your goals unless you became a trainee. No part of you wanted to learn how to properly move your body to a beat of a song or to allow your tongue to dance across the thump of the base. No part of you wanted to be a trainee but yet here you sat, in between a girl who looked like she would fall apart at the gentlest breeze and a tall muscular man, who had watched too many 90s rap videos from your home country. They wanted it more than you. You wondered if they would be able to sense it. But it hardly mattered after all, you were driven and focused. So focused, it didn’t really matter what company as you auditioned at. You auditioned at YG, S.M, JYP, until something finally stuck at BigHit. The only place willing to take a risk on you. You would train for them, to make them money and make them happy. Until they grew tired of you. Or vice versa. As a foreigner, you heard the rumors of the intense preparation that trainees are put through, so they could be a star. All the hard work, the sweat, the tears to, in most cases, not make it. You weren’t too concerned about hard work. Hard work was embedded in your DNA. You wanted to make music. Not perform music. Create it. Stay up until the song was perfect. Scratch that itch until it comes out the exact way it sounds in your brain. You wanted to make stunning compositions for other people to sing and perform. But here you were, sitting in a room of other trainees waiting for some of BigHit’s brightest stars to come here and tell you to keep fighting and working hard and one day you’ll be like them. You sucked your teeth at the thought. You knew about hard work and fighting. You weren’t just the foreign girl in the room. You were the sambo…the darkie…the black girl. Labels you wore on your skin as long as you could remember, well not so much wore…but were placed upon you. You were reminded of it every time the girl next to you would shift away from you as if your skin would rub off on her or when the man on the other side would look down at you to see if you were a hallucination or not. It was draining. But it was your reality. This meeting was supposed to start around 15 minutes ago, whichever seonbae was coming to give the group a pep talk was late. Sitting up in your chair, you look around the room again counting the heads. You had heard one of the secretaries, who assumed you didn’t speak their language, talk about how large the trainee class was this time…and how you were sure not to make it. At the time you looked at them before ducking into the room trying to push down the unnecessary embarrassment, but now looking…your heart swelled. You were sure not to make it! More than half of the class were women, meaning they wanted to make a girl group. You covered your face, hiding your grin. Everything was working out in your favor. All you had to do was be great until the final picking for the group and crumble. Then, make yourself an invaluable composer and producer. Boom. Bam. Plan Achieved. You pressed your hands harder on your lips, breathing through your nose not to draw or call attention to yourself, steading your shoulders. You could do this. “Yah!” A young man cried out, snapping your attention to the front of the room. He had tripped into the room, causing all of the women in the room to suck in air before whining with glee. They looked to each other, whispering. Even the weak looking thing next to you turned with a smile, an improvement from earlier. You moved back to the front of the room, crossing your legs. He was smaller than you thought he’d be, with his honey blond hair. He is not the one you expected them to send, but it makes the most sense. Park Jimin was popular with the ladies. Even with black skinny jeans, a half tucked in flannel shirt and Timbs, they were smitten with him. You pressed down your groan, as the ladies openly worshiped him. The sudden attention made him giggle, which in turn made the women buzz louder. You bounced your leg up and down in irritation. His warm eyes cross the crowd with expertise, this was something he did…he was used too. “Hello, everyone!” He said with a slight bow. You feel everyone stand up next to you, and you pop up late bowing behind everyone, then sitting down late too. Heat crossed your cheekbones and the tops of your ears, reminding you of that one time you were in your friend’s Catholic church…you were late for the trinity call too. And you had started on the wrong side. She still hasn’t let you live it down. She’d be proud to know that you are keeping up with traditions. You watched as two more members of BTS walked in. The leader of course, his hair tucked under a gray beanie and dark frames on his face, but that ever-present smile on his face. You noted the large, wide leg pants that made Namjoon’s legs look thinner than you sure they were. You also saw the loud Hawaiian print shirt he had on as well. It made you want to smile, but you looked at them blankly. As the next person walked in, the air in the room changed. People sat up taller, you watched as one person took their hat off their head in respect. You had no idea that Min Yoongi commanded so much respect. He looked at the group flatly, his eyes dark and endless, matching the black clothing that adorned his body. Suddenly, as if he remembered where he was, a gummy grin flashed on his face. The group relaxed. “Hello!” Namjoon started. This time you were prepared for the bow, standing up in time with the group, bowing and sitting down. It was choreographed very nicely. He returned it with respect, “It’s crazy to think that a few years ago we…” He pauses to motion to the two other men standing there, “were exactly where you sat and now we’re up here. It’s an honor to have you be trainees but know it won’t be easy. And most of you won’t make it.” He said, slipping into a seriousness you had never seen interviews. “BigHit doesn’t know what they want to create yet but do your best you will prevail.” “Yeah! And make sure to have fun.” Jimin said with a wink. From the corner of your eye the girl next to you looks like she might faint. You fight the scowl from your face, wondering how old she was to be acting like this in front of them. The boys scan the crowd before the inevitable happens, they land on you. You don’t shrink from their confused faces, as Namjoon and Yoongi fix it in a matter of microseconds. Jimin is the only one who takes a second to place his smile back on his face. You don’t return it, not that the staring bothers you...you just don’t have the energy to give to every single person who looks at you funny. You’d be dust in 15 minutes. Namjoon continues to speak about the process, the long hours, the lack of privacy as if to scare some of them away. He wanted to see the dedication in the eyes of the trainees. The readiness to give it all to the dream. He was passionate about it, something you admired. He believed all the words he was saying. You drift over to look at Yoongi and Jimin, both of them nodding and only Jimin adding input when he felt necessary. Namjoon would look at you to see if you were paying attention or was if you were understanding, no matter the reason his eyes fell on you too many times in the lecture. You just wanted to know one answer before you started on this quest. You took a deep breath to focus yourself on what he was saying, but your battery was starting to drain as he was repeating the same thing in different ways.“Does anyone have any questions.” He said. Finally! You scan the room again as a few hands went up. Perfect. You didn’t want to be first at all. He nodded his head and pointed to a young man sitting in the row in front of you, the middle of the group, he didn’t look older than 12.“U... uh…um…” He mumbled, his face turning red. Namjoon smiled gently and waited patiently, “Um…RM-seonbae…” He tried again. Namjoon snickered as if no one had called him that yet. “RM-seonbae.” The young man said, taking a deep breath, “Your group was created because of your talent…how does that make you feel?” He bowed and sat back down, putting his hand on his chest taking deep breaths as if it took all of his courage to ask the question. It probably did. The kid did good. Namjoon pushed up his glasses and straightened up, taking his time to think of a good answer for the question. He smiled again, this time all the way to his eyes, his dimples present on both sides.“I feel honored. Blessed that I have a bunch of guys willing to follow me, but I also am aware of my position. I have to be my best, all the time, every day for them.” A collective wow came out of the group before clapping. You clapped once, before putting your hand up ready. A few hands followed yours. “Jimin, you pick.” The leader spoke. Jimin grinned looking around the room and picked a young lady in the front row.“Hello! My name is Sa Yoon-Sook.” Yoon-Sook bowed, before standing straight up, tucking her impossibly straight hair behind her ear. Her face reminded you of a fox. She was built to be an idol, skin the perfect milky white, small, and thin. A simple green dress covering her form, made her look smaller if possible. “I have a question for Jimin-seonbae.” Jimin looked surprised and stood up straight with big eyes ready to answer, “Jimin-seonbae, do you find it hard to balance your love of dance and your love of music?” He smiled at her question, shifting his weight back and forth before putting his head up at the ceiling. While Namjoon had taken his time to think of the right answer, you could tell Jimin was not the type to think before he spoke, and this was causing him a lot of anguish.“Yes.” He answered, honesty pouring through his voice, “I’ve been very lucky to be in a group that prides itself on music and entertainment, much to some of my members dismay…” he nudged Yoongi who smirked, “Do I have days I just want to dance until my legs fall off, absolutely but I’m happy to be able to do both in whatever capacity.” The collective wow noise came out again, causing you to roll your eyes and click your tongue. The group started to clap, you clapped twice before standing up with your hand up. You were tired of being patient. The clapping slowed down as the trainees looked at you. Their eyes were prickly against your skin, reminders. You stare right at the three seonbaes and bow quickly.“I guess you’re next.” Namjoon said with a laugh, shrugging to you. For some reason you want to laugh back but you don’t.“RM-seonbae, Jimin-seonbae, and Suga-seonbae.” You began, taking a deep breath, nerves hitting you harder than you thought. This was not a stage. This was a group of people, “All I’d like to know is how does one to sign up to use the music rooms and the studios.” The voice that came out was similar to your own…but quiet, reserved. It irked you. The trainees that you hadn’t spoken to, all of them, were shocked to hear their tongue come out of your mouth. Heat crossed your face as they leaned into you, getting too close to comfort. Lion in a cage. Namjoon and Jimin looked at each other not expecting that question or that language, you weren’t sure which. Yoongi was the only one unaffected, only his eyebrow raising up for a short second.“You have to set up a time with a secretary, but that is only after you pass a studio test. We don’t want you breaking any of the expensive equipment.” Yoongi said to you, his voice low and gravelly as if this was the first time he had spoken all day. You figured there would be a studio test, you were hoping there wouldn’t be, but it was nothing you couldn’t handle.“Thank you, Suga-seonbae.” You said bowing once more before sitting back down. You cross your legs and keep looking at the front of the room, pretending to be unbothered by the eyes running up and down your skin. There were ten more questions after yours. Varying questions about the process, how they got through it, if they missed their family, how to deal with fans. Questions that you didn’t care about. You wouldn’t have fans. You’d be able to see your family. Which reminded you to call you mother when you were finished with this, she’d be worried sick by now. You hadn’t called or texted in almost 48 hours and you suspected that if you didn’t call soon the National Police Agency would be knocking on BigHit’s doors soon. You smirked, thinking about your mom leading the charge decked out in swat gear. Anything for her baby. You missed her. Loud clapping was the only thing that alerted you that something different was going on. You watched as the people around you stood up and bowed. You missed it again. Damn. You stood up clapping watching the three men walk out of the room, Yoongi last. With that the trainees were dismissed. As you grabbed your bag you stood there, trying not to watch everyone too closely as they filed out. “Excuse me…” The voice was recognizable. You turned over to her and saw the girl who had asked the question before you. The one about dancing. You were always good with names but this one escaped you. She smiled and bowed a little, you returned it. “Y/N?” She spoke. You nodded, trying not to look at her as if she was an alien. Beautiful women always had that effect on you. “Oh good.” She said with a relaxed tone, “I’m your roommate. I apologize on not meeting you last night or this morning. I got here a few hours before the meeting started.” “Oh.” That was kind of her, but she had no reason to apologize. You were unfazed by the thought of having a roommate or not having one, although…it would be nice to have someone to come home too. Suddenly, her name came to your mind. Yoonsook. “Yoonsook-ssi. Would you like a guide back to the room? Then I can take you around BigHit if someone hasn’t already showed you.” Being a guide was comfortable for you, from years of being RA at camps and taking care of baby cousins. Joy was all over Yoonsook’s face as she held her hands to her chest sighing.“Yes! That would be lovely. I was so worried.”“About?” You asked, hoping that you didn’t know the answer. You took a step forward watching Yoonsook walk with you. Her face turned in as if she had eaten a lemon. You smiled wide, you liked that she didn’t think before she spoke and was expressive with her face.“I…we...well…” She tripped over her words trying to figure out how to say it. You knew what it was.“Were you worried that I was going to be a mean, nasty person?” You dug into mean and nasty to make a point. She stopped walking beside you, her face in her hands, embarrassed. You looked over her shoulder as she shook her head and peaked out giving an apologetic look.“I’m sorry!” She said, for the second time in the last five minutes. You shrugged at her,“As long as you have an open heart, and an open mind. We can be friends.” She took a few strides to meet up to you, although she was the same hight as you, she was all legs. Yoonsook smiled widely putting her hand out.“Deal.” You took her hand in yours and shook. You hoped that it would be a start of a wonderful friendship. Yoonsook was in awe of the dorm. She kept running back and forth between the kitchen and the living room. She opened the door to her bedroom and jumped onto her mattress grinning. She hopped up quickly and stood in the middle of the dorm room turning around, as if she had a big circle skirt on and this was the sound of music. You couldn’t help but laugh. It started small gentle until it gurgled out to a loud, harsh laugh. The one that came out when something really was funny, the one that meant your stomach would hurt and tears of laughter would be sure to follow. Yoonsook was hilarious. She stopped mid-turn and looked at your laughing form before laughing herself.“Sorry…” She said, calming down. You smiled at her while catching your breath, shaking your hands at her.“No! Don’t be sorry! Be excited! Congrats! You are a trainee!” You said to her, the words that were repeated to you so many times they had lost meaning. They had lost meaning before they were spoken if you were honest.“Congrats to you too, Y/N-ssi! You are a trainee! You are so cool, I mean you weren’t nervous to speak to any of the seonbaes!” Her voice loud to match yours. You frown at her and tilt your head trying to see her from another angle.“Wait. You were nervous, Yoonsook-ssi?” She blushed hard and nodded, looking at her shoes. You watched her toes poke against the black material.“That was BTS. They are amazing. And smart. And cool. And it took all of my brain power not the faint. But you stood up, didn’t wait and asked a question that wasn’t about them. You were all business. You were powerful. You were not nervous.” You grimace before finding yourself desperate for water.“I wouldn’t say I wasn’t nervous. But they are just people. And you want to be like them one day, right? So why be nervous?” Would they have dishes for the apartment? You couldn’t remember if they were on the list of items to bring. You open a cabinet to explore, before seeing glasses and dishes. BigHit was generous. You grab two glasses before filling them with water. You don’t hold the water out long before Yoonsook grabs it and downs the whole thing. She lets out a satisfied noise before wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.“We want to be like them.” She said with a grin. You give a small nod.“Yeah. Totally.” Answering her with confidence. Another lie. You wanted to be like them sort of. The line where the producer stopped, and the performer started was the exact point. She smiled as you took a sip of the cool water. The silence was natural, needed. The foxlike girl walked to her room opening the door as you walked to yours. As soon as you got in last night you had set up your dorm to make it as homey as possible. A Doctor Who poster hanging on the wall, pictures of family and friends, and stuffed animals from various points in your life. It was homey as it was gonna get. Your laptop sat on the desk with your notebook right next to it. You knew that you needed to take Yoonsook around the campus, so she’d know where to go but your heart was telling you to write. She’d come when she was ready. There was this violin part that was dying to get out. It was in a minor key, three staccato notes that was followed by five legato notes. That was the main melody. The drums were low and heavy, as if the person playing them was unable to pick up the mallets. That’s all that was in your head. And the words. They were sprawled all throughout the page. A phrase here. A word crossed out then another one circled with an exclamation point. You were playing with the chorus.
Run from me as far as you can.
Cuz I won’t chase you, I can’t chase you.
Love away from me as far as you can.
Cuz I won’t love you, I can’t love you
Anymore.
It hurts.
It didn’t particularly make a lot of sense, in English or Korean, but you kept going back to it. There was something painful about it that you loved. You always employed the old adage of writing what you know, and you knew those feelings of loving someone who couldn’t love you in return but claimed too. You knew them too well. You scribbled down an expression and scratched it out, groaning that it wasn’t what you wanted. Your head hit the table harder than you wanted it too, with profanities streaming out of your mouth as if you had been in the navy. You rubbed the sore spot with the palm of your hand cussing yourself out for being an idiot and overly dramatic. Around the corner of the door, Yoonsook peaked out, her dark eyes looking at you with concern. She looks like she wanted to ask if you if you are okay, but the scowl on your face kept her at bay. You soften and smile at her, pointing to yourself.“I hit my head on the desk. I’m sorry. I swear a lot. I should mention that.” The girl seemed like the type to live a very reserved upbringing. She grinned at you and shrugged.“I’ve heard that swearing is a good way to relieve stress and those who swear are actually more intelligent, so it doesn’t bother me at all.” Yoonsook said in a very intelligent manner. If she had glasses she would’ve pushed them up with her index finger. You laugh silently, before closing your notebook and standing up.“Ready to take the tour?” Yoonsook takes a deep breath in like she’s the most excited person in the world. You brace yourself for a scream. “Yeah I guess.” She muttered. You couldn’t help but laugh at her. Throughout the tour of BigHit, Yoonsook kept asking you about your strengths and weaknesses as a trainee. You told her honestly you were shit at dancing and rapping, but you could hold a tune. You asked her in return, walking past the administration offices pointing out the important people who would be stationed there. You assumed she got the information because she answered that shouldn’t rap to save her life, but she had been trained in ballet and lyrical dance all of her life. She, like you, could hold a tune. You always thought that was something funny singers did. Really good singers would always play down their talent, minimize it. Half decent singers would say they could sing, and if they went to school for it. Bad singers though, bad singers would talk about how awful they were at the craft and sing you something to prove it before anyone had a chance to ask. You were being honest though. You could hold a tune, you weren’t bad…but you weren’t memorable either. Your voice didn’t have the power of Beyoncé, or the breathiness of Lana Del Rey. It was just your voice. It did what it needed, and you appreciated it for that. Leading Yoonsook throughout the offices was nice, it forced you to remember thing things you learned yesterday, exhausted first thing off the plane. More importantly, it allowed you to go to the once place you were dying to visit. The studios. Every time you thought about the studios or saw them, stereotypical angelic music would play. This is where you belonged. This is where you wanted to be. You pushed open the two glass doors that lead to the hallway of studios and music rooms with dramatics you didn’t know you had in you.“Welcome, Yoonsook-ssi to BigHit’s music studios and music rooms. Please watch your step as we go through this fantastic place. Try not to feed the seonbaes as they do bite when bothered.” You sounded an announcer for a theme park, but for you this was more than that. It was heaven. It was nirvana. It was perfection. Some of the studios were occupied but there was on in particular you were dying to get in. It was at the end of the hall, no mat, no sign to say that it belonged to someone, but your heart ached to get inside. It took all of your power not to press your body against the door. You had felt drawn to it yesterday.“You seem really excited, Y/N-ssi.” Yoonsook whispered, trying not to disturb anyone who was trying to work.“Because I can’t wait to get in there and make magic.” The words fell out of your mouth before you realized it. Warmth touched your cheeks quickly before you stuffed your excitement down. a test stood between you and this room. You were going to make it yours, even if it killed you. You smiled at your roommate and waved for her to come with you. Further down the hall were music rooms, each with a glossy black beautiful baby grand piano. You were pretty sure every music room was filled with a Steinway & Sons piano. After placing your ear to a few of the rooms you heard one that wasn’t occupied and let yourself in with Yoonsook right behind you. She whistled. The international noise for wow. You chuckled and sat down on the bench, before flicking out the imaginary coat tails behind you. Ivory keys felt like home underneath your fingertips as you played songs you created when you were a teenager. Thundering base made way for a haunting treble line, as you played getting lost in your music. The keys were your best friends, your confidants. They were the only thing to be there for you and they would be there long after you were gone. No matter how cliché it was. You chuckle hitting your favorite chord, D7, hearing your friends asking if you would marry the piano. Yes, your answer is always yes. You stop suddenly remembering where you were, who you were with. Yoonsook looked at you with awe and started to clap, hollering. A grimace covered your face as you stood up from the piano slowly.“That was beautiful!” She exclaimed. She was being far too loud. You were unsure if the test meant that you couldn’t be in the music rooms, so you didn’t want to get caught.“Yes,” You hiss at her, “But be quiet. I don’t want to get in trouble on our first day.” She sucked her lips in so hard it almost looked like she swallowed them, “Yah…don’t hurt yourself.” She nodded up and down and let her lips back out. If this was a cartoon, her lips would look like the shriveled end of a balloon. You giggle at the thought, “Do you want to play?” You ask, assuming that nobody would be able to turn down such a fine specimen of a piano. “Nah. I am getting a little hungry.” Yoonsook muttered. As much as you wanted to look at her in horror and point to the piano, you nod.“Would you like to go off campus then? There’s a cute café nearby that I want to try.” She nodded excitedly and pats her stomach a few times.“Ms. V needs some food.”“Ms. V?” You were confused. Had she named her stomach? Yoonsook grins as if this was her proudest achievement in her whole life. “Ms. Voracious!” She growled at you putting her hands up as claws. You nod at her before waving her off. You tell her that it’s fine. Creative types were always a bag of strange things, you would hate for someone to stick their hand far too deep into yours. The door opened with power, slamming against the wall. Yoonsook and you nearly jump out of yours skins, as you stare at the person. His dark brown hair was far too long, falling into his expressive brown eyes. Upon seeing you he jumps back two feet screaming, his sleeves that were too long for his arms falling down. You grab the piano for leverage trying to see if you were still alive.“V-seonbae!” Yoonsook breaths, holding herself tight, “You scared us.” You were glad she spoke first as the idol stared at you. Prickly. He looks at you with such childlike wonder walking up to you as if he didn’t hear Yoonsook. His deep coffee-colored eyes looking over every inch of you as if you were a mythical creature, then they raise to the top of your head to your hair. Black women hate when their hair is touched without permission. You are no expectation to that rule, seonbae or not. To combat people’s need to touch it you keep your mane under beanies, tight buns but you had no desire to do any of that this morning. So, it was in all of its curly beautiful glory. Taehyung’s large hand went straight for the kill, before he could reach his target you caught it caught and pushed it back. It was softer than you thought it would be.“Please don’t.” You sigh. His eyes widen more upon hearing his language. You were beginning to wonder about the intelligence level of this one. His hand was still in the air half walk between you two when he realizes and laughs. “My apologies! I’m not sure what came over me.” He said to you, bowing three times in a row. You give him a bored look, before crossing your arms in his direction. You realize that he’s your superior and you have to cool your jets. You give him a tight smile before dropping your hostile stance.“It’s not a big deal, V-seonbae.” You huff. But to you, it was a huge deal. Lesser men had died before even dreaming of touching your hair. Not really, but you like to think so. Yoonsook bowed at him. You followed suit, irritated at the social politics of Korea.“You must’ve had the music room reserved, V-seonbae. Our apologies, we’ll get out of your way.” She looked up and gave him a small smile. He returned it with brilliance, before scratching the back of his head.“I didn’t actually.” He shrugged, before leaning against the door frame, “I wanted to practice a few lines before my recording session tonight.”“Well, in that case…” You start, making baby steps to the door hoping he’ll get out of the way and you can leave this awkward situation in the past where it belongs. There was no point to explain his mistake, you wouldn’t be interacting with seonbaes often. A hello there…a bow there.“Good luck with your recording tonight, V-seonbae.” Yoonsook said, both of the ladies waiting for him to move. Like he realized he forgot something, he moved out the way laughing. He scratched the back of his head. The two girls bowed once more before heading back to the main offices, “Do you still want to go to the café?” You think on it. On one hand you wanted to be alone and write more, on the other you were starving, on a third hand you didn’t have Ms. V needed to be fed. And if there’s one thing you never wanted to find out is how Yoonsook acted when hangry.“Café?” You hear Taehyung call from behind you. You turn around slowly to see him sheepishly smiling at the both of you, “Can I come?”
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Yoonsook was chatting happily, easily as if she could talk to anyone. She probably could. You were enjoying the two of them talking leaving you alone with your thoughts. Mostly the thought of why he was here. He had a very important job and he decided to bail on practicing to come here with two strangers. Two trainees. You shifted in your seat looking at him through your eyelashes, rainbows appearing around him as if he was a supernatural figure. You sipped the warm vanilla coffee in your hands, letting it warm up your whole body. It almost tasted as good as moms. Almost. Shit. You had forgotten to call her. You pull out your phone in a minor panic, making more noise than you should sending off a quick text to prove that you were alive and another to say you were terribly sorry. There. The swat team should back off now. The café itself was small and cozy. The owner knew Tae, but you figured about everyone knew him. There was a beautiful bay window that looked over the street that you couldn’t wait to use to your advantage. Tae may love this place, but it was now your new hideaway. Give you good coffee and a reading nook, and you were all set. Plus, they had free Wi-Fi. There was that nagging feeling in your brain again. And you forgot your notepad. You’d have to remember the chord progression until you got back to your computer. It sounded like Cmajor to D…D something. Perhaps minor. It sounded poppy, bubblegum. The lyrics lying on top about falling in love and knowing its real. Silly. Cute. Maybe the girl group they were forming could use it as their first single. Hopefully Yoonsook would make it all the way.“Are you excited?” It was said loudly to catch your attention. Your eyes snapped up from the coffee looking at the two people before giving a weak smile. Taehyung noticed that you weren’t paying attention. He gave you a happy smile and pushed the slice of cake that he had purchased. You told him you didn’t want it, but he insisted. You fight back a sigh and plunge the fork into the soft, moist confection. You put it in your mouth and it tastes like cake. Sweet. You force yourself to swallow, not wanting to hurt his feelings. The whole walk here he claimed the cake was the best around. You smiled at him. This was not the best. It tasted like a box at best…poorly made at worst.“It’s very good, thank you again V-seonbae.” Yoonsook said on your behalf. Most of the time you hated when people spoke for you, but her…you appreciated it. He grinned and put his fist under his chin looking at you. You were supposed to answer a question.“Yes!” You say, putting more enthusiasm in it than it deserved, “This is my dream.” You lie again. The more you say it the easier it comes of your tongue. He grinned and reached out squeezing your hand. Yoonsook sucked in air and made her signature lemon face again. Taehyung didn’t look affected by the skin ship, just something he did. You made note that he was touchy before taking your hand back. Yoonsook looked between the two of you as if your heads were a tennis ball in a match.“Good.” He started, “because if it’s not, it’ll come out. If you guys don’t have the passion for this, it will show.” That childlike persona had disappeared into a man quickly. Yoonsook nodded over and over again.“Of course, V-seonbae. We will make sure that we always show passion!” He blinked after she had said his honorific name. He must not have heard it the first few times it had been said. He frowned and whined.“I don’t want to be V-seonbae. Call me Taehyung. Or Tae. Or TaeTae. Anything but V-seonbae. That’s weird. Tell all the trainees that.” Your face fell. Suddenly, the childlike behavior was back as soon as it disappeared. Don’t look too far in his bag.“Okay, V…uh…Tae…” Yoonsook said completely uncomfortable with the change. You were right to think she grew up in a very reserved household. You were more comfortable calling him Tae than V-seonbae any day of the week.“You got it, TaeTae.” You couldn’t help but wink at him. It was the type of nickname that winks, thumbs ups, and emojis went with. He grinned wider, shoving his own fork into his cake putting it into his mouth.“Can you tell us anything about the new album, Taehyung?” Your roommate asked, pulling you from your thoughts. He wiggled his nose and sighed shaking his head.“No. Yoongi and Joon have been really excited about it, spending lots of hours in the studio. Yoongi always spends lots of time in the studio but Joon has caught on to his bad habits.”“You should bring them cake and coffee to root them on.” You mention offhandedly, your eyes looking at the wisps of steam from your coffee. You lean over to breath them in, before Tae hits the table hard, making your coffee almost spill. “Yah!!” You cry picking the cup up trying to save the precious droplets. You feel your eyes narrowing in on him. You point at the coffee, “This is nectar. Be careful.”“Y/N-ssi!” Your roommate seethed at you. Her face was in a new formation you had never seen before. Like that painting of the screaming lady. You bite your bottom lip to stop yourself from chuckling.“What?” You and Tae asked her, confused. She looked at the both of you again and sighed shaking her head.“That’s a great idea! Treats!” He exclaimed ignoring Yoonsook. As if she didn’t try to scold you for the way you spoke to him. You appreciated Tae’s childish attitude. It reminded you of an old friend.“What will you get them?” She asked, her face falling back in the foxlike pattern you enjoyed looking at.“Coffee for both. Lamb-skewers for Yoongi and ramen for Joon.” He said. You nod at the selection, hoping they tasted better than the cake that you ate.“That sounds wonderful.” You say, looking at your phone. You wanted to get back soon to write that song down before you had to sleep. Tomorrow was promised to be a day from hell. Dance practice first thing in the morning.“Would you like to help me give them to them, Yoonsook...Y/N?”“And meet Suga-seonbae and RM-seonbae? Absolutely!” Yoonsook breathed, full of joy. You looked up and smiled at her, before looking back down at your phone writing out the lyrics in your head before they disappeared.“I’ll pass on that. Thank you anyway, Tae.” The two-people sitting with you went silent. A slight sadness fell over the table. You look up again and see Tae who seems utterly disappointed that you won’t participate in this little mission with him. You blink a few times, bringing to mind that meme of that guy blinking. You look at Yoonsook who shrugs at you, waiting for you to say something. You lock your phone and sighed, “Do you really want me to go Tae?”“It wouldn’t be right. It’s your idea!” He whimpered. Guilt. You push the feeling away as that memory has nothing to do with this time. It finds its way to the front of your brain. Guilt. You groan and stand up, covering your eyes.“Where does one get their favorite lamb-skewers and ramen, Tae?” His deep brown eyes it up as he stood up, opening his phone. You look over at Yoonsook who smiles, happy not to have this moment with her idol over. It took two whole hours to get the elder idols their favorites. That was one hundred and twenty minutes of walking around. Seven thousand two hundred seconds. All of this time. Lost. Forever. Never to come back to you. And it wasn’t even like the places were two hours away from BigHit’s campus. It was that Tae got lost several times in this excursion. You bite your tongue every left he would make with a slightly confused face. You dug your nails into the palm of your hand every time he looked at your sheepishly. By time you got the lamb skewers and the ramen, he remembered the coffee which lead you back to the café you started at. Two hours. Two precious hours. You wanted to scream. But it was finally time to give the seonbaes their treats. A feat that Tae seemed overly proud of, even if everything now was cold. You were told by Yoonsook and Tae that microwaves exist. He guided you and Yoonsook back to where it all started a few hours ago, then he pulled a card out of his pocket scanning it on a door that you had thought was another studio. The door unlocked, and he opened it showing a wall of a few doors.“This is Hobi’s studio, Joon’s studio, and Yoong’s studio.” He said pointing them all out. Hobi’s studio didn’t have much on it but a sign that said his full name. Namjoon’s studio was a bit more ornate with his name on it, but besides his door was two RIAA Certified Gold plaques. You leaned close to it reading DNA and MIC Drop on them. You could feel yourself salivating. RIAA was hard enough to come by for a US artist, for them to get this feat was beyond impressive.“Can I touch it?” You whisper, not wanting to alert anyone to your presence. Tae looked at you his hands filled with bags. He nodded his head confused as to why you’d even ask. You lay your hand on the glass and sigh with happiness. One day you were gonna have a ton of these. It was your destiny. You take a step back and make a mental note to take a selfie with it when nobody was looking.“Who first?” Yoonsook asked smiling, holding the drink carrier with the coffees in them. Tae was sure to order everything for his brother’s specifications.“Joon.” Tae answered, walking to the door and kicking it three times with his feet. You put your hand out to him to quiet him. To you this was a sacred place. Loud noises were only aloud in the studio. Anything to preserve the peacefulness. The door opened and out popped the same idol that spoke to you earlier, except his beanie was gone, black hair all over his head. Ah. That’s why he was wearing the beanie. To hide the hair color. He grinned at his brother opening his arms wide, a song you had never heard before pouring out. “Tae!!” He shouted. All peacefulness in the hallway had been shattered by the leader. You sighed, feeling yourself want to sink in the floor. His bloodshot eyes looked over at you then over at Yoonsook, the two people who should not be here in this sacred space, before ducking back into the studio. He came back out with the beanie on closing the door behind him. Yoonsook bowed first, always the respectful one. She held out his coffee with a smile.“RM-seonbae, Tae wanted to make sure to root you on, so we brought you some treats.”“Oh, man, coffee is always a treat. Thank you!” The tall leader said grabbing the now lukewarm drink. His eyes flicked over to you and you bowed gently, he bowed back twice. Tae held out the bag of food for him.“Your favorite ramen, hyung!” He looked touched. Then looked over at you. He saw you already today so his shock should be kept to a minimum. He grabbed the food and nodded once.“You’re the trainee that’s itching to get in the studio, right?” Fighting urge to roll your eyes you nod your head giving him a tightlipped smile. Tae laughed and shook his head as if he forgot something.“My bad, hyung! This is Y/L Y/F! This is Sa Yoon-Sook.” He said indicating to you first then your roommate. Namjoon smiled wider, his dimples over whelming you. You wanted to dip a fry in them.“Nice to meet you, Y/L Y/F!” He said sticking his hand out. You looked at it and then back up at him. A part of you wanted to make a bad joke about nobody wanting to shake his hand but you thought against it and shook it. He smiled and said something kind to Yoonsook, her whole aura glowing from the interactions.“As you know, I’m Kim Namjoon. But don’t let my kindness fool ya. It’s RM-seonbae until you debut. You got it?” He said, trying to act tough.“Yes, RM-seonbae.” Your roommate said, saluting him. Her voice trembled. You snorted, then looked back at him.“You got it, RM-seonbae.” You say. He seemed honored to be called that. You decide that you don’t mind calling him that, for now. Tae rocks back and forth on his heels before taking a step back, the other bag in his hand growing tiresome.“Well, we’ll let you get back to it okay. I may stop by later to take a listen.” He announces, turning his body to the other studio.“You have to stop by later. I’m recording you remember?” Namjoon says with irritation, “Did you forget?” You want to say no, he didn’t practice, but you hold your tongue. This was none of your business. Tae looks at him with this blank face as if he’s trying to calculate a big number that nobody has created a name for it yet. Oh, he’s good. You hear Yoonsook start to giggle knowing the reason of his face. You nudge her hard, trying to get her to stop. You did not want her to blow Tae’s cover. The leader just raises an eyebrow and gives one nod, before opening the door, “Yeah, you make sure to stop by Tae. Around 8pm. Okay.” Tae nods still looking blankly at Joon. He lets out a deep laugh before closing the door completely. Tae stands still for about thirty more seconds before exhaling, putting his fingers through his hair.“He almost caught me!” He said with glee, “After we give this to Yoongi I do have to go practice. I didn’t think I’d be away this long.”“Me either.” You mumble. He walks up to Yoongi’s door and you see that he has a lot precautions to keep people out of his space. A double door, a doorbell, a passcode and on top of that door mat telling people to go away while a cat gives not one but two middle fingers in case they can’t read. You didn’t know him outside of his stage persona but for a second you loved him. Anybody who would be that intense about his space was a person that you respected and admired. Tae sighed and shook his hand out as if it took a lot of energy to press the doorbell. He sighed again looking over at you and Yoonsook. He looked absolutely terrified. Was there a dragon behind that door? You were growing tired of this. It was eating into your creation time before bedtime. You walked forward and pressed the door bell, running back to your place in line next too Yoonsook.“Yah!!” Tae cried out putting his hands on his head, his whole body shaking, “You should’ve let me text him. What if he’s got his headphones on. Then I’ll have to press it again, then he’ll be even more irritated.”“Are you that afraid of Suga-seonbae?” Your roommate asked quietly, her own body starting to shake. She was a feeder of energy that one.“The worst thing that’ll happen is he’ll say go away. Then we set the food outside and do exactly what the doormat and he asked of us.” You say, exasperated at their attitude. Nothing changes. You roll your eyes and press the doorbell again, standing there with your arms crossed over your chest, your hip jutted out. Your teeth pulled against your dry lips. You noticed that Tae has gone into hiding behind you, peaking out behind your halo of curls. You groaned louder and reach out to hit the doorbell again. Before your finger could make contact, you could barely see movement behind the two doors. You draw back, feeling it was unnecessary to hide next to your other trainee. The man in question opened the two doors and peaks his head out before coming out all the way, dressed like a reaper. The doors close behind him with a definite lock.“Tae?” He said the younger man’s name questionably. Tae doesn’t mind and comes out of hiding from behind you. He grins and holds up the box of food. Your roomie scoots over to be near you, the three of younger people now standing in a semi-circle before of him. He physically turns to Tae, to block the two trainees out of the conversation.“I brought you lamb-skewers. And they brought you coffee.” Yoongi grinned widely, his gummy smile making you want to smile with him. You don’t. He looks over at the two of you as if you were less important as a fleck of dust. You return the blank stare as Yoonsook just holds out the coffee unable to find words. Yoongi takes the coffee from her hand without touching her, something he must practice in his spare time. He turns back to the younger man and his glow returns to him.“Thank you. And it’s not even my birthday.” Rihanna came to your mind. “Thank you as well.” He said to you and the silent one next to you, before bowing. You were the first bow in return and had to actually put your hand on her back to make her complete the movement. She was terrified. You found it funny. His eyes narrow on you,“Hey. Trainee.”“Yes, Suga-seonbae.” You answer, picking up the slack for your roommate.“You sign up for the studio test yet?”“Not yet, seonbae.” He nods in thought. He turns back to Tae and raises the food items as a thank you before punching a code in quickly, disappearing back into his cave. Yoonsook breaths out hard enough you feel it on your arm. You turn to her and see her hands on her forehead and she’s started to fan herself. You start to ask what’s wrong, when Tae wraps his hands around your wrist starting to pull you out of the hallway of the gods. You grab Yoonsook by her dress and train out of there. You take one last look knowing that this would be the last time you see such a beautiful place in a while. Tae apologies and bows but tells you the times up. You understand, you hoped Yoonsook understood as well. He had a job to do and you and she had a job to prepare for. The three of you had more fun than you though you would. You’d have to remember to buy him a thank you gift at a later time. You were unsure of her schedule tomorrow but yours started early ended late. The two of you end up not saying much of anything on the way back to the dorm, except for the side looks you keep giving her to make sure she was still alive. That last interaction seemed to take a lot out of her. You wanted to laugh, but you didn’t want to be seen as cruel. Your mother tried to put you in dance classes when you were 12, but you were too preoccupied with music to learn how to move your feet the correct way. You cursed the 12-year-old you. If only she had listened, you wouldn’t be in such pain now. You also cursed the dance instructor. You were covered in sweat, sore in places you didn’t know existed, and you’re sure you are bleeding on your feet. Not that you’d be able to check. You’ve been running the same difficult thirty-two count all morning with minimum breaks. The girl you sat next to on the first day passed out a little bit past 10am. You thought she looked weak. The instructor moves his body and doesn’t speak enough for you to understand. It’s a lot of boom, kahs! Slide, ha! Up…down…sweep…thrust. When he does slow it down its twice and you have to know it or blow it. You blow it a lot of the time, but surprisingly you aren’t the worst at it. You love the moves that more fluid. The moves that are sharp are the ones that confuse you. An elbow here, a hand there…you were thankful that your dreams didn’t involve all of this movement. You just had to make it through. You would make it through.“Alright. 20-minute break. Then from the top. Whoever has it the best can leave early for lunch.” The instructor says. The other women in the class are so tired they can’t even get excited. You manage to get to your bag, ripping it open and putting a water bottle to your lips. The cool water coats your throat, feeling like pure salvation. It felt good. You reached into your bag grabbing a protein bar, biting into it savagely. Chew. Chew. Chew. That was the one good thing about protein bars, they didn’t go down without a fight. There was a lot of chewing that had to be done, especially with this one. You chewed angrily, with your knees tucked into your chest and your arms resting on top. The door to the dance studio opens, the other girls in class seem interested in the visitors. You were interested in chewing. But your curiosity gets the best of you and you look over. The girls, who a few seconds ago looked like members of the zombie apocalypse, suddenly are spring birds. You swallowed, trying to see what changed their disposition so fast. Your eyes see two young men dressed in sweat shirts and basketball shorts. The dark-haired one was muscular and had a sweet face. The other one had a long face, it looked like sunshine poured right out of his fingertips. Jungkook and Hoseok. You nod putting your head against the wall closing your eyes, not caring about the idols. You wanted the class to be over. Then you could go back to making music, angry music right now. Angry music about how stupid dancing is.“Class.” The instructor starts. Way before the 20-minute mark. “We have some guests. They want to see how well you’ve been doing today.”“No…honestly…” The mankae said, a blush rising to his cheeks.“We thought you might be finishing early, and wanted to get some practice in.” Hoseok said confidently, trying to commutate that whatever the instructor was trying to do wasn’t necessary. The instructor looked at the class and smiled, before clapping his hands.“You hear that ladies, if you do a good job for them you can leave early.” You silently cursed all three of them. You push yourself up, taking a swig of your water bottle, ignoring your body’s scream for help. You got in formation looking forward, trying to move the scowl off your face.“Wait. That’s not what I meant…” The red-haired idol muttered sighing. He looked over at Jungkook, making a what can you do face, before sitting on the floor Indian style. The younger idol sighed in agreement sitting down one knee up, the other leg tucked under it. You moved your head side to side, hearing your neck crack pleased with yourself. The instructor starts the song and your body just moves. Some of the moves you’ve been doing since 7am, came naturally. The thought shocks you for a moment as you transition to the new section. That was the part that you had a hard time at. Sharp. Hip thrust. Smooth. Back on territory you understand. Dip low. Sharp sharp. Shit, you see yourself mess up in the mirror and feel it. You keep pressing forward. You have too. Once the music stops, you can’t stop yourself from collapsing on the floor. Two other girls follow you down. Clapping is the only thing that ties you to this earthly plane because honestly, you thought for a split second that you died. You slowly sit up, even though your muscles are screaming at you not too. The two idols are on their feet clapping.“That was so good. How long have you guys been learning it?” Jungkook asked, his face big and excited. One of the girls who was still standing, smiled at him saying since 6:30 this morning. The younger idol's face paled. Hoseok’s face mirrored it. They turned to the instructor with confusion. You, too, wanted to know why we started rehearsal so early this morning.“This batch of trainee’s doesn’t come with as much dance training as some of our previous selection.” He said obviously, uncaring for the groups feelings. You shrugged and agreed with him. You know you didn’t come with great dancing skill. Then it clicked. Why your roommate had piano lessons first. BigHit is taking the trainees weaknesses and make them work it the most. Smart. You push yourself up and looked at him.“Seonsaeng-nim.” You started, waiting for him to turn to you. The instructor looks over his shoulder and smiles. You can tell he’s a kind man when he’s not trying to whip a bunch of lazy trainees into shape, “So what do Jhope-seonbae and Jungkook-seonbae have to say?”“Good question, Y/N!” You look over at the idols who look at you kindly, before clapping.“Great, of course there are sections to clean up, but for that being one day of work…that’s great.” Hoseok said. The mankae nodded next to him. You were relieved. You were free. The words just had to leave your instructor’s lips.“All of you are free to go.” He said. You had never thanked the Creator so hard except for that moment. You walked over to your bag, “Except, Y/N.” You took back the thanks quickly, turning around and looking at him, trying not to give him your infamous death eye. He smiled and stood there. You watched around from around his figure the girls all stopping and bowing, speaking to the idols. You sighed and looked back at the instructor. “Are you holding back while dancing.” It was a statement and not a question. You still felt the need to answer him so you shook your head in disagreement. What a strange thing to say. You didn’t think you were holding back. But you weren’t happy moving like that. At all. “Well it looks like you are. You look so happy while doing the lyrical stuff, but when it comes to the stuff with power, the hiphop…you are holding back. Give it your all, or you can pack up kid.”“Yes, seonsaeng-nim.” You said, feeling little. If this was home, the instructor would pat you on the back to show that they care. Or squeeze your shoulder. But there was no feeling and that made you feel alone. Suddenly you missed him. You push the thoughts out again and smiled at the instructor brighter, “I promise to show more passion.” He gave a nod. You walked over to your bag, scooping it up quickly.“Hey. He says that to the ones who he sees the most potential in. Don’t take it any type of way.” You look over your very sweaty shoulder and a pristine Jungkook. He looks even nicer compared to your perspiring body. You bow, he returns it quickly. “Thank you, Jungkook-seonbae. That was very kind of you.” His face flushes a bit before scratching the back of his head. You wave at him quickly before walking out of the studio. One more second in there might actually have killed you.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
After a needed, deep shower you found yourself sitting alone at a lunch table, aimlessly stabbing your salad. The lunch room at BigHit was smaller than you thought it would be but worked for them. At the various long white tables there some other trainees, some secretaries, other staff members. Idols would rather be caught dead than eat with the masses, even if they all did work for the same company. You thought about your life in a few years, if you still would want to eat at the lunch table or if you’d rather eat holed up in your studio.You had it all pictured out. The top of the line console, with the sound proof pads a bright blue color if possible. You hated the gray drab pointy sound proof pads that were in almost every studio. You’d have a fridge in there, a couch, two seats. It’d be the perfect sanctuary.Sounds from the table near you forced you out of your blissful day dream. The two people a table in front of you were deeply engaged in a conversation and at any moment it looked like they would start kissing. You looked at your salad and snickered thinking about the ‘not in front of my salad!’ meme. Sometimes, you were too funny. Right now, you were appropriately funny. “Y/N!” You heard to your left. You looked over lazily, your eyes connecting with your roommate. She waved at you sitting down blocking your view of the couple. You sucked your teeth in irritation and sighed. “How was dance this morning?” “Exhausting. I’ve been told I need to dance with more passion.” You answer her, placing a green leaf in your mouth. It tasted a lot like health, but not enough like wellness. You wanted a cheeseburger. Yoonsook smiled, the more you looked at her, the more you enjoyed that even when she smiled one side doesn’t match the other. It was cute. “Well, did you dance with passion?” She asked gently, as if not to poke the bear. She got an earful this morning trying to wake you for dance practice. A lot of middle fingers, swear words, and a death threat. You felt bad, as you were the one to ask her to wake you if you weren’t up on your own. She didn’t deserve that. “No. I was tired and grumpy and I hate dancing.” You grumble instead of apologizing. She seemed to like the cake from yesterday, you’ll get her and Tae a slice. Although, you didn’t know how to deliver it to him. She chuckled and as you put your head on your arm, staring at the greens with disgust. “Are you really not gonna eat lunch. You are gonna regret it later. Ms. V always has to be fed.” She said petting her stomach again. You wanted to ask if Ms. V had her own voice but were afraid of the answer. You decide to listen to your roommate and shovel the greens in your mouth, pretending to be a dinosaur while chewing them. You swallow partially, covering your mouth while talking. “How was piano?” You swallow more and sigh. She picked up her hands and looked at them as they were foreign objects. She wiggled each of her digits from pinky to pinky back and forth. Unexpectedly, she slams them down in the table in disgust. “They don’t work! I think four goes over five and then…four does not go over five. I think thumb stay where you are…thumb moves on its own. I can play what’s on the page but it’s the stupid fingerings that I’m having trouble with.” She huffs as if she just let off a ton of steam. She took one of the carrots on her plate and bit into hard, the cracking noise making your spine tingle. “So, about the same as my dancing. Got it.” You say with a slight laugh. She sighs and shakes her head, tucking her bone straight behind her ear. You were going to ask her how she did that. Today, your hair was in two tight buns, giving you Usagi vibes. But it was either the buns or a whole situation. And after Tae tried to touch your hair, you wanted to tone the hair down. Your roommate kept complaining, and it was nice to listen to someone else problems. She talked about how much she disliked the instructor, but she whispered it just in case someone was around. She talked about the cute guy that sat across from her, which she blamed her fingering problems on. She mentioned that she accidently unplugged her headphones, her piano blaring out interrupting the instructor. She had a pretty eventful morning. You had to take some time to get her the cake. She looked at her watch and stood up, speaking quickly about how she was going to be late for her voice lesson. You had the same teacher after her, so you had time. The studio test! You thank her for the reminder as she just looks confused, like she wants to tell you she didn’t remind you of anything. But still, she was a blessing. You get up quickly, throwing away the trash, eyeing the overly close couple before walking off. You impressed yourself by getting to the Trainee Secretary Desk without getting lost a few times first. You smiled at the secretary who looked you with the same kind eyes. It wasn’t the one from yesterday who thought you weren’t gonna make it. You chat with her quickly wanting to sign up for the studio test to gain access to them. She doesn’t really care why you want to text the test, but there’s a slot this afternoon. You agree, anything to get you into one of those bad boys faster. Throughout voice lessons your mind is on the console. You do your scales, but you are really sliding your hand up and down, touching all the buttons. Loving how powerful it feels to be in control of such an amazing creation. You could take just about anything and make it music if you wanted. It was beautiful. Your instructor mentioned casually for you to focus. You nod and apologize, not wanting them to think that you weren’t focused or driven. She does a lot of nodding, and writing. You know this is a test lesson to see where you fall on the spectrum. Did your voice need a lot of work or a little? Could you sing or could you sang? Could you harmonize? Can you blend? The smile she gives you after the lesson over tells you that you did very well, better than she expected. You reported back to the secretary who told you to sit on the couches and wait for the instructor to come and grab you. You wait five minutes, shifting in the seat wondering who it was gonna be. You choked on spit thinking about if Bang Si-hyuk would test you. You push the thought down. It didn’t matter who tested you on the studio, you knew this stuff. You swallow taking a deep breath, closing your eyes. Just relax, you tell yourself. It’s fine. The small voice in the back of your starts to whisper as you stifle it down. The secretary calls your name, as you watch your instructor stroll through the door. He looks pissed that he has to do this. You’d be too if someone called you out of your double door, security locked, special studio to test a trainee. That was not Yoongi’s job. He was still dressed like a reaper. You were sure that he was wearing the same baggy black hoodie and black jeans from the day before. He looked like he didn’t get a lot sleep. You thought Bang Si-hyuk would be bad, but in comparison this was worse. His endless dark eyes glaze over you as if you were nothing before he sighs. “I see you decided to take the test, Trainee.” His voice was dark, irritation flowing out of it. You stand up and bow at him, deeply, trying to get him to tell that you respect his time. “Yes, Suga-seonbae.” You say before standing straight up. “But –” “C’mon, lets get this over with.” He says before you can suggest turning back, heading back through the doors without a word. You sigh and follow him like a lost puppy. You want to ask him if he was always the instructor, because if that was the case you would’ve rather another dance practice. He escorts you to the studio at the end of the hall, the one you basically wanted to molest the other day. A sign! He opens it and waits for you to walk in. You don’t walk, you basically skip inside. You look at the beautiful analog console and want to cry. You were floating. It was bigger than any one you had ever seen, but you were ready to ride that bad boy. You were so close to the thing you wanted and yet so far away. You turned around to him and saw him standing there, looking bored while scratching his eyebrow. He looks up at you and sits down in one of the chairs. You follow the lead and sits next him. He smacks his lips together a few times and sighs. “Patch me through to line 8.” He says. You get up and line up all the buttons and slides to patch him in to 8. That was easy start. His eyes widen for a second seeing how quick you did it, “Have you worked on a console before?” “Yeah.” You say sheepishly, leaning against the machine. Your hand lightly brushes against the leather wrist rest. He blinks a few times before leaning back in his seat. “Fine.” Then he starts flinging questions at you rapid fire. Patch this to that. The booth can’t hear you, what do you do? Playback 17 while 8 is looping. Stop playback and record. He was a demon. You did it all to the best of your ability, feeling the weight of his questions more than anything else. Once the test is over he doesn’t say anything, just gives you a once over and stands up. “You can leave now.” You look at him, your breathing labored as if you had run a mile. You lick your lips and start heading out of the door unsure. You opened your mouth to tell him that you didn’t set the console back, but you saw he had started doing it already. It made you uneasy. The next day was the same as the previous. A grueling dance practice that you put passion into. You hit the hip hop section harder. Your instructor seemed please. You keep refreshing your phone to see if you get any notification. You told Yoonsook who seemed to feel just as ill about the situation as you did. He should’ve told you yesterday if you passed or failed. You groaned, wanting to hit your head against a wall. Thursday hits and nothing. No email. No phone call. No message attached to a bird. Nothing. You want to vomit. The pit in your stomach grows so large you can’t even play a basic major scale in piano class. The instructor tuts at you, writing something down. Shit. Focus. You sneak a look at your phone and nothing. Just a text from your roomie thanking you for the cake you bought. And a text from your mom asking if you want that maroon sweater you left at home. You text back yes but want to write a one-thousand-page essay on how you felt about this whole situation. Your mother was the only one who knew the plan. When you laid it out for her the first time she fretted over you, speaking half in English half in Korean, so you knew at that moment she was very worried. Looking back on it she was right to be worried. You loved your mother more than life itself. After all, everything you did was for her. She’s the one who stayed with you while you auditioned, the one who said it was okay not to go to college, the one who believed in you even when she had no real reason not to. And she was the one who refused to cry at the airport leaving her only daughter in a country that she didn’t belong too. Home was a place you could always go back too. You didn’t particularly want too, but it was there. It was warm. It was real. You missed it even more while waiting for the answer from your seonbae. Friday finally comes and you feel like marching right over to the double doored, locked, get out studio you know he’s bound to be at and giving him a piece of your mind. You haven’t been able to sleep all night when you hear the ping of an email come through. Its from him. You hold your breath opening it up, the loading screen was worse than when you waited to see if you were accepted into your university. Min Yoongi 3:47 AM Console Test To: Y/N Failed. Your eyes burned staring at the email first thing in the morning. Failed. The words were in black, but they seemed red on the page. Failed. How did you fail? You did everything correctly. You might’ve stumbled here and there, but you corrected it quickly. Fail…fail…the world felt like it was stamped against your chest. If you failed at that, you were bound to fail at your plan too. Your hard work. Gone. Your dedication. Gone. Your relationship. Well that’s been gone. You put your head in your hands wanting to curl up and disappear for a while, but you realize there’s no point. You had dance class in a few hours. You were the first person in the dance studio and used it for your advantage. With your headphones in, you danced working on the places you were sloppy and strengthening the sections you felt proud of. It made you feel good when you looked at yourself in the mirror. You actually looked like a dancer. You pull your phone out and record yourself to send to your mom. It would make her proud. Failure. Her daughter was not a failure. You heard your mother’s gentle voice, her lips on your forehead. It made you set your shoulders and hit the routine again. Her daughter, was indeed, not a failure. You started at the beginning of the formation, feeling your breath and muscles in the slow section. Then pounding your feet and body in the hip hop section. Your elbow slams into your hand, harder than you intended, sending a shockwave through your body. Your eyes water as you scream. You let out all of the obscenities you were saving glaring, shaking your hand out. This wasn’t over between you and Min Yoongi. Not by a long fucking shot. This was not one of your smartest ideas but honestly, the more you think about them none of them had been practically smart. Every ‘idea’ that you did to get here made about half the amount of sense as the one before it. This one was especially stupid. You emailed Tae asking if he would meet you at the café you visited a week ago. You understood the dynamics between idols and trainees was very strained and strange, but you just needed him to get you to the hallway of the gods. He replied he would if he could. You were feeling jittery, because if he didn’t show...there was nothing you could do about it. Maybe you should just take the test again, they were bound to give you another instructor…but then you’d have Min Yoongi for the rest of your career as a producer and songwriter think you were a failure and you were not gonna have that on your permanent life record. You heard the bell of the door ring and saw him walk in. He was wearing a medical mask, sunglasses and a jean jacket that covered his hands. It must be his style. He looked around the café and waved a bit walking over. You stood up and bowed, he did too sitting down. You slid his favorite cake over to him wordlessly. He lit up like a candle, then frowned. “How are you?” He asked through slotted eyes overtop his glasses. You smiled, happy that you seemed threatening enough to not trust your antics but trusting enough to eat cake with. “I’m well, Tae. How are you?” You stick the fork in your own cake and take a bite, hoping that watching you eat something will relax him. He pulls down the mask and takes a large piece of cake with the fork putting it in his mouth. The cake still tasted like cake to you. “Good…busy. How is Yoonsook?” She’d be happy to know that he asked about her. You answer, before taking a sip of your coffee, “Why did you want to meet?” You sigh looking at him wrinkling your nose. “So, I took the studio test.” “Who’d you take it with?” he asked, shoving another piece in his mouth, cutting you off. “Suga-seonbae.” You answer honestly. He coughs on the piece in his mouth before laughing hard. He slaps the table over and over again, before taking a big sip of water. All of his mannerisms were large and childlike. You loved it. “You failed.” He said, shrugging leaning back. You looked at him confused. How could he possibly know that? Before you could ask he speaks, “Yoongi fails everyone who takes the test with him. He hates doing it but when PD Bang can’t do it for some reason it falls on him.” “He failed me because he’s grumpy! That’s bullshit!” You cry, stabbing the cake in anger. “It’s not my fault! I even tried to back out, but he was all…’c’mon lets get this over with.” You imitated him, making your face look bored and annoyed. Tae must’ve thought it was very funny because he laughed harder. You sighed and looked at him. “Can you take me to see him?” “That’s all you wanted? Sure! I thought you were gonna confess.” You raise an eyebrow at him. He puts a hand out telling you not ask. You don’t. For now. After texting Yoongi asking for his exact location he was at, the two of you walked back to the studios. You felt so good being back in the hallway of the Gods. You felt reenergized. Tae was no longer with you in the hallway saying that this was your thing and he was not going to get in the middle of it. You understood and thanked him. Now you were just standing there before of Yoongi’s door. Sliding your teeth over your bottom lip you press the doorbell, squinting to see if you see movement behind the two doors. You see something, but not enough to confirm if he’s coming or not. You press it again, and for sure now you see movement. Yoongi pops his head out, looking better than you saw him a few days ago. He eyes you up and down before pointing to the mat and disappearing behind the doors again. You blink and hit the door hard before pressing the doorbell again. You didn’t want to yell, but you have a loud American voice that you’ve been dying to let out. You pressed the doorbell again, for the fourth time in a row. You see movement that was faster than before. He comes out glaring at you, slamming the door. “Yah! What do you want? How did you even get back here? Trainee’s aren’t allowed back here.” He barks at you, venom dripping from his voice. You just give one soft chuckle, as if you were afraid of some boy who was barely older than you no matter his stature. This would work on a lot of other people, but it wouldn’t work on you. You cross your arms over your chest and take a deep breath. “Why’d you fail me?” You feel no need or desire to be respectful to him. He looks at you as if you had seven heads. He’s confused, then takes a step forward to you. You stand your ground, looking at him bored. Yoongi was taller than you, by a few inches, but you’ve been around taller, meaner dudes your whole life. Yoongi was a fucking teddy bear in comparison. “Because you got questions wrong. You can re-take the test when you want too.” “What did I get wrong then?” Another confused look. He sighed, seeing that this wasn’t going to go away with a real talk. He scratches his eyebrow while puffing out his cheeks. He looks like he would deflate at any moment. “You have problems when it comes to problem solving in the booth. Like if there was a playback situation where the booth can’t hear or…if 8’s not working, and you need to retrieve whatever is on 8.” “But those are things I can’t study for. I have to learn on the fly. I have to be in a studio session to watch. You can’t fault me for that.” You groan, rubbing your temples. You wanted to say it wasn’t fair, but you could hear him, the guy you've tried so hard to forget, say that life wasn’t fair. You hated that he was in your head as much as your mother was. You took a deep breath and looked at Yoongi. You loosened your body up, shaking out the tension before bowing deep. You stared at his shoes while doing the thing you promised yourself you would never do. You begged, “Suga-seonbae…will you do me the great honor of teaching me and allowing me to watch your studio sessions until you think I’m ready to take the test again?” Silence was painful. For the first time you thought silence was painful. It rung against your ears heavy. You stood up slowly and saw he was looking at you with pure disgust, maybe to him you were nothing but a slug. But still in this case he was thinking. Outweighing the pros and cons. “No.” It came sudden and swiftly. You even heard KO music. But when have you ever taken that word for a final answer. You looked at him as he turned to walk back into his dungeon. You only had a few seconds to come up with a game plan or its over for you and your dream. “Do you understand me, Suga-seonbae?” You say in English, quicker and higher pitched than you want too. He pauses before looking over his shoulder, his dark hair in his eyes. “I…understand…enough…” He says back in English, smugly. So he knows more than you thought he does, but he’s not that confident. He needs someone to speak English too. Someone that won’t judge him. Someone who’s not Namjoon. “That’s good. I was thinking that you and I could go down to that café and grab a bite to eat. What do you think about that?” You say, taking a deep breath. You watch the comprehension slowly stop, like the gears of a dying clock. He turns around and lets his head tilt as if he’s far too tired to hold it up any further. He scratches his cheek before shoving his hands in his pockets. “What’s your point, trainee?” He asks back in Korean. You grin wildly taking a step to him, using your hands as points in this rant you were about to go on. “You want to be better at something. I want to be better at something. You want to be better at English. I want to be better at the studio. You help me. I help you. Nobody has to know. We can meet whenever, wherever you want. I understand that trainees and seonbaes aren’t supposed to spend a lot of time together, and honestly, I don’t want to spend more time with you than I have too but…I need this. I want to be a producer and passing that test is the only thing standing in my way.” If this was home, you’d reach out and grab his hands, so he could feel your passion. Yoongi stares at you with bewilderment as if that’s the only thing he knows how to do. A minute passes and he just ducks back inside the studio. You blink again, a noise escaping your lips trying to figure out why he just up and disappeared. Barely, you hear ‘Go Away!’ It must’ve taken a lot of power to yell through the door like that. You felt proud to annoy him to that existent. Yoonsook looked at you the same way Yoongi did a few hours ago. The two of you were seated on the couch, she in a big white shirt with black leggings and you in a gray tank top and basketball shorts. She had her short bob cut in a little ponytail, her face bare but still beautiful. A pang of jealous hit you. She had her fingers on her lips and tapped the bottom one a few times before opening her mouth. She closed it suddenly, closing her eyes. Quietly, you hear her speak. “Can you please explain to me what you did to Suga-seonbae again?” You fall back on the couch dramatically, putting your feet in her lap, your head hanging over the edge. “Don’t you wanna watch a movie instead?” “I do, but I’m trying to figure out if I’m going to need a new roommate after you get kicked out for being disrespectful to him.” You give her the middle finger. The sound of her choking on her breath gave you joy before your hand fell back down. “I’m not going to get kicked out for disrespecting him.” “To my understanding you emailed Tae, without permission.” You nod at that, shrugging. You didn’t explicitly remember anyone telling you, you couldn’t contact the seonbaes. It was that type of gray area you liked to live in. “Then, you go into their special studio space.” You nod again, trying to figure out where the disrespect lies at. “Then you bug him to get out of his studio, don’t call him by his proper name.” “I did.” You correct her. “Only once you figured out he didn’t care about your studio test.” You sat up faster, looking at your roommate. You couldn’t believe she wasn’t on your side for this. She put her hand up to keep you from talking. You tucked your arms under your chest and huffed, “Then. You bribed him.” “It’s not a bribe if we are both getting something out of the deal. He’s learning English, which he should know as an international star. And I’m going to learn the studio better.” “If he accepts.” She said haughtily, pushing your legs off of her. You sigh and change your seating on the couch. “If he accepts.” You say back to her, trying not to sound too defeated. She was right that he had all of the chips in his hands. He could get you kicked out or in trouble at the minimum. But Yoongi didn’t strike you for the type to do that. That was a lot of energy to tell someone that someone was bothering them. Especially the big bad Min Yoongi. “But, it really was great having you for a roommate for about two weeks. You really have improved your dancing, much faster than anyone thought you could. It’s a shame that our time has to end.” You grabbed the pillow behind your back and hit Yoonsook hard. She laughed and grabbed her own pillow slamming you. She was strong. You winced. She stood up swinging the pillow as if they were nun chucks, “I want you to know, if you chose to move forward with this pillow battle, I have siblings.” You stand up and swing your pillow across your body grinning. “As do I, Sookie! And we were all adopted!” The two of you found yourselves in a heated pillow battle, and the pillows were sturdy. Blow for blow, the two of you were keeping up. Until she hits you hard across the face. Pain danced crossed your face, with lights in your eyes. You put your hands up conceding to her victory sitting down. She was jumping up and down pumping her fists in the air, before turning around and looked at your face. She just pointed, screaming. You looked at her signaling for her to keep it down. “You’re bleeding, Y/N!” You hopped up and rushed to the bathroom. There was, in fact, blood gushing from your nose. You calmly grab some tissue paper, and clean what you can, before sticking the paper in your nose. You turn around and sigh looking at her. You now know not to challenger her at sibling actives. Apparently, she was competitive, and you didn’t want another nose bleed. Your roommate fluttered around you like an agitated bird or irritated squirrel. She kept bowing to apologize and insisting that you head to the infirmary. You had no desire to go to the nurse’s office, especially in the attire you were wearing at that moment. No. You’d just let it dry out. You fell against the couch in the most un-lady like way possible, looking up at her. She just kept repeating herself which irritated your ears. “Stop. Please. I’m ashy. I’m wearing shorts. I don’t know where the infirmary is. And its…” You search through the pillows looking for your phone, to find it. You held it up in her face, “Whatever time this thing says it is. So, I’m not going.” She looks at the phone for the time then looks back shocked again, “What?” she simply points to the device. You turn around seeing an email from the rapper. He had made his decision faster than last time, which made you happy but also scared the shit out of you. “Open it.” Yoonsook muttered, sitting next to you, completely forgetting about the blood dripping from your nose. You bite and pull at your bottom lip watching the email load before your eyes. You could hear Yoonsook breathing, you turn to shoot her a look, before reading it. Min Yoongi 9:12 PM Studio/English Lessons To: Y/N Monday through Friday 2:00 AM – 3:00 AM My studio You grinned and felt like cackling.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It was your first English/Studio lesson with Min Yoongi. You stood outside of the door at 1:59 in the morning not knowing if you were supposed to email him that you were there or if he would just show up. You clutched your books to your chest, not knowing if he had English books already or what. You realized you didn’t know a lot. Which could be the fun part of all this, not knowing something. You did always pride yourself on not being the smartest person in the room. Now, you were sure not to be the smartest person in the room. You bounced your toes on the ground, in an effort to let out some of this energy. Two am was usually your time. It was consecrated. Some of your best work had come out of that special time, and you gave it up without thought. Not without thought, at the end of it all sharing your two am time was a way through, not a stopping point. You keep bouncing sighing, remembering to release the tension from your shoulders. Nervous wasn’t the correct word for how you were feeling. It was the feeling right before nervous. The moment where you are just about to jump, the muscles tense, poised ready to go. Like a when a cat is gathering up its energy and getting ready to pounce on its victim. That’s how you felt. You were also excited. His personal studio, hidden behind locks and angry doormats. It’s a place not many have been in, and you’ll be able to touch it...You hummed with joy thinking about the possibilities. Maybe he’ll let you record something for him. That alone was worth giving up your precious writing time. A grunt behind you alerted you that you weren’t alone. You looked over your shoulder and see the man you were waiting for. His hair looks darker than usual, damp from a shower possibly. You look at his attire to see for once he is not wearing black. Color you shocked. The simple white tee that was designed to be distressed fit his body in a baggy way with a pair of black puma sweat pants, and a backpack hanging from his shoulders. You grimaced visibly, looking at your attire. A white baggy shirt and black sweat pants. You matched. In fact, you looked like you did it on purpose. He barely looks at you as he swipes his card on the door opening it enough to let himself slide through. You catch the door at the last moment, sucking your teeth at him. Rude. You followed him to his dungeon and took a deep breath. His nimble fingers ran across the passcode, not worried if you were looking or not. He opens the door wider this time, giving you sometime to pass through. Same with the second door. You stand at the threshold, letting the door hit your backside. You were in pure awe. His studio was a literal candy factory. His console was about half of the size of the big one you tested on. His gold plaques were hanging on the wall next to a shelf of bobbles and knickknacks. You grinned slightly looking at the cutie toys that didn’t seem like his style, but deep down under that icy exterior Min Yoongi was a softy. It was beautiful. On the other side were pictures, maybe ten or twelve of them. Pictures of BTS, of him and the rap line, pictures of what you assume are his family. They were stunning. You stop yourself from touching them. You didn’t realize you were walking around the room staring at everything as if this was a museum. “Are you done?” He asks bored. You freeze, turning around. He was sitting in his chair, his backpack leaned against the wall closest to him. In the time you were doing treasure hunting he had pulled out his laptop and was face deep into it. You sit down in the chair beside him nodding, unsure of what to do or say. His eyes flicker over to you before he sits up and crosses his legs. He leans his head against his fist. “First thirty-minutes are English lessons. Last thirty minutes are Studio lessons. I reserve the right not to teach the studio lessons. Also, studio lessons might be canceled if you attend a recording session in the day. Also Also, the most important rule, nobody can know about what we are doing.” You just look at him and give a short nod before realizing he said that he reserved the right not to teach you. You glare at him, it doesn’t bother him a bit. “I don’t really think that’s fair that you can just decide that you don’t want to teach me. What if I don’t want to teach you.” He sighed and stood up walking to the door opening it. You know what that meant. You click your tongue and groan, “Fine.” He looks at you and gives a short nod walking back to his chair. As he sits down and crosses his legs, you remember what he says about not telling anyone, you fight the grimace on your face. Yoonsook. You swear at yourself for letting her read the email. You’ll have to beg her not to say anything to anyone, but usually when someone tells someone else they shouldn’t say anything about a secret they turn into colanders and then they can’t hold water. You ignore the thoughts for now, knowing to revisit this situation later in the day. “Do you know the English alphabet?” You ask, assuming to just jump into the lesson. He teeter totters in his seat, before licking the corner of his lips. “Sorta.” He answered, his dark eyes never leaving yours. They have such an interesting quality about them. They remind you a bit of a marble, but the galaxy marbles. They were dark, but they held a whole world inside of them, with their flecks of white, purple, and silver. His eyes reminded you of the universe. You’re not sure why you had such a grand thought about his eyes, but you want to remember to write it down for a song. It’s too poetic not too.You take your notebook and write A on it big. You hold it up and point to it. Yoongi sits there looking like he had just taken a Xanax. “What sound does this letter make?” He looks at you trying to figure out if you were serious or not. You were very serious. You point to it again and sigh, this was going to be a bit like pulling teeth. The next thirty minutes, although they started rocky, became easier. You’d point to the letter and he’s say what he thinks it sounds like. About forty percent of the time he’d be right. He has a hard time with specific vowels. You’d never leave the studio alive if you commented on how cute his face gets when you say he’s right. You think about bringing treats…maybe even lamb-skewers for tomorrow’s session. Then you think about the fucking nightmare it was to get them and decide against it…for now. Yoongi was a fast learner. You wondered if it was because he loves music so much that languages come easier for him. You always thought that’s why you learned Korean so easily, at the end of the day language is just a form of music. “Yah! I don’t understand why…” You hold your hand up and he just glares at you. He sighed and put his hands behind his neck, looking at the ceiling. He knew the rules of English lessons. English only. “I..d…do not….understand?” He starts. You nod and give him a smile to show he’s correct, “Why…” he groans and cusses, “I don’t understand why this looks like it makes that sound but that looks like it makes this sound.” You’d forgive him this time for speaking Korean, but it still vexed you. He was pointing to various letters that were all over the counsel, still complaining about the sounds and diphthongs “Like you are one to talk. In Korean the ‘yea’ sound is literally three different symbols. So, bite me.” You said exasperated. He chuckles a bit, his mood much easier than when the both of you came in here. The alarm went off on his phone, he sighed, standing up and stretching. That was kind of him, to make an alarm. Without any type of transition, he starts to go through the channels and other parts of the console. You knew all this already, but you weren’t really here to refuse his help. You wrote down the information as he walked back and forth. He’d turn around to look at you to see if you had any questions. And before you could register if you did he would move on to talk about something else. Thirty minutes of rapid fire information. As if he was holding it all in his brain and was just waiting for another place to put it. To free up memory space for something else for him, probably music. Your head is throbbing when he stops and looks at you as his alarm goes off. Did he know exactly when thirty minutes would be up? That’s impossible. He stares at you and you understand it’s time to leave. There are no goodbyes. You stand up and walk out of the dungeon feeling a little like you had a piece of your brain ripped out. Is that how he looks so young? Is he stealing the brains of young trainees like a zombie. You smirked at the thought, Min Yoongi…zombie. He did look like one most of the time, but tonight…or this Monday morning…he looked normal. As if he rested over the weekend. You walked past the gold plaques and stop. You needed your selfie. You stand between the two of them, pulling out your phone. Your hair is in a slicked back low ponytail with your curls wild behind your head. Tucking your head down a bit, while remembering Tyra Banks old sayings of smizing and not being a no-neck monster, you finally find an angle that you agree with and take a picture. It was cute. You wouldn’t be able to post it…but it was still worthy of someone besides yourself seeing it. You smile and send it to you mom, with the caption ‘Standing with BTS’s RIAA GOLD. One day I’mma get my own, momma.’ As if you were an animal, your ears twitched at the sound of the door being unlocked. Shit. You look left and right and saw there was nowhere to hide. Fuck…fuck…you weren’t supposed to be here. You prayed it was just a janitor. You sit down on the floor, closing your eyes pretending to be asleep. You take slow breaths when you hear footsteps. “What the…” You act like the voice wakes you up, as you stretch your body up and yawn slowly. You take the palms of your hands and press them into your eyes, rubbing them, glad you were not wearing any makeup. You see feet in tan Timbs and legs covered in dark green sweatpants. You look up and see Namjoon staring at you with confusion, a pink shirt on his upper half. Using the wall to help you get up, your mind races trying to figure out how the hell to get out of this situation without getting yourself in trouble. Namjoon didn’t seem upset or cool with whatever was going on. He looked like he was trying to use that big brain of his to figure out what was going on. “Good morning, RM-seonbae.” You say, using the sleepiest voice you have, your heart racing. He frowns towering over you. “Good morning?” He questions, “What are you doing?” “Huh?” You question, rubbing your eyes again, trying to make yourself look as meek and innocent as possible. “What are you doing here? You shouldn’t be here.” He repeats, darker. It made you flush. “Well…I was coming back from a music room a few hours ago and saw the door was open. I wanted to take a selfie with the gold plaques I saw when Tae-seonbae brought me here…so I just walked in. Then I was about to leave and then the door locked. I haven’t been able to get out. So, I laid down.” Bullshit. It was all bullshit, but you’ve spun wilder tails than this. Namjoon just looked at you. His eyes are warm, like hot chocolate. Even when he’s trying to sniff out a lie, his eyes are kind. He takes a step back from you and walks over to Yoongi’s studio, pressing the doorbell. Shit. You just keep smiling like you’ve done nothing wrong, hoping Yoongi won’t answer the door. He does. He peaks his head out, his voice kind for his leader. “What’s up?” “Did you see hubae asleep on the floor when you came in?” Namjoon whispers, louder than he probably wants too, but you were happy you could hear him. There’s a pause and you lean around and give Yoongi a wave, praying that your brainwaves were on the same level. You were willing Yoongi to be the genius he claimed to be, to go with whatever tale that he didn’t know about. “Yeah. Why?” Relief washed over you. Thank God that Yoongi is smart. Namjoon looks back over his shoulder at you before turning to Yoongi, pushing him into the studio. “Don’t move, Y/N.” He said to you before disappearing into the super secure studio. You stand there and want to do the opposite of what he says. You want to run out of the door and not come back until tomorrows session. But that wouldn’t be good either. So, you wait it out. A few more minutes and Namjoon walks out laughing. He sighs before making his way back to you. “Am I free to leave, RM-seonbae?” You ask, still maintaining your innocence. He pursues his lips at you and stands with his arms crossed over his chest. He sighs and scratches the back of his black hair. “Yeah. And I apologize, Yoongi can be kinda clueless sometimes. He should’ve woken you up when he saw you sleep on the floor or checked if you were okay. I made sure to pound him real good for you.” You winced, hoping that Yoongi wasn’t hurt too bad for your lie. But you felt even better that you weren’t in trouble. “I hope not too hard. You and Suga-seonbae work very hard.” You say with that same guiltlessness, but you feel it start to wear off with your exhaustion. You bow quickly before trying to walk out of the studio area. “Wait.” You freeze, hoping you weren’t gonna be quizzed again, “I only came here to grab my headphones. Let me walk you back to the trainee dorm. It’s late…or early…” You nod, and hold on to you books and papers, trying to keep the English studies hidden. He walks before you and opens the door, very gentlemen like. You wondered if he was this person before or after being a trainee. You smile and walk beside him. BigHit’s campus was medium sized, with the trainee’s dorms being about a 10-minute walk back. Normally, you’d use the quite time to think. To listen to the city, hear what its trying to tell you. To figure out your next chord progression. But instead you were walking beside Namjoon, who was talking aimlessly as if he had never had a silent moment in his life. You nod and smile at him, fighting back the urge to sigh at him. You glance at your watch and see that it’s only been two minutes since you left the campus, but then again you have been walking a slower pace. “Ah…my bad.” He started. You look up at him and give in a small noise to show you were confused, “I’ve been talking this whole time and I haven’t even given you a chance to say anything. Have you lived in Korea long?” “No. I moved here maybe two months ago?” You think back on the cramped hotel room your mom and you shared as you auditioned around. The laughter, the yelling. You smirked. It was mostly you yelling at your mom to stop hogging the covers. “Really? So, you are from the states then.” “Mhm. Born in Chicago, grew up in LA.” Namjoon threw his hands up in the air, before doing a clumsy spin. He put his hands around his mouth, taking a deep breath. “LA!” He hollered into the night. You cringe, wanting to put your hand over his mouth to shut him up. He’s out, in the middle of Seoul, no sunglasses, no hat, no medical mask. All idol. All shiny. And he’s screaming. Where was that precious high IQ now? “What are you doing, RM-seonbae?!” You hiss at him while glaring at him. You want to drag him off into the bushes and hit him. He looks at you sheepishly, scratching the back of his head while laughing. “Sorry. I love LA. Top five greatest city.” “Wonderful.” You grumble, “But you aren’t wearing anything to hide yourself and screaming.” He rolls his eyes at you, putting his hands-on top of his head. “It’s 3am. Good little idols should be tucked in bed, thinking about their fans.” He teases. Or at least you think he does. Perhaps, he too, is exhausted and spouting out strange things at a strange hour. But it doesn’t stop you from teasing back. “Are you not a good little idol, RM-seonbae?” He looks down at you and smiles broadly, his dimples like little pools and you want to stick your fingers in both of them to see if they are truly as soft as they look. He doesn’t answer you, but exhales. “Are you enjoying being a part of the BigHit family?” Namjoon says instead. You let it slide that he didn’t answer if he was a good idol or not. You nod, squeezing your books to your chest. You enjoy it, aside from the dancing, the singing lessons, and secret sneaking around you have to do to study your chosen field, but yeah. “I am.” If it was even possible he grins wider hearing your answer. “Good. You hubaes seem really good this go around. We have a lot of faith in you. And I’ve been hearing great things about you.” You choke on your breath, looking up at him with horror. He’s been hearing great things about you. The phrase repeats over and over in your head. You give him a small smile, fighting embarrassment. You wanted them, whoever them were, to say neutral things about you. Middle of the pack things about you. Great things were not great. Great things were not a part of the plan. The two of you spend the next few minutes in comfortable silence, before he drops you off at the trainee dorm. You give him your thanks. He shrugs it off and tells you to keep fighting and working hard. Great things pops in your head again. You watch his form disappear beyond the gate and let out a deep sigh, heading up to you room. If you went to sleep now, then you could sleep for at least three and half hours before practice. Or you could write. You sigh deciding to choose to sleep. Instead of the sleep you falsely promised yourself, you wrote a song about great things. The phrase still hasn’t left you. You were lucky enough not to have dance practice today, the instructor emailed you and a few others saying that you had the day off. You were shocked and honored to read that if you received the email you were one of the best of the class. It made you feel tingly. Yoonsook was off practicing leaving you to have the apartment to yourself for a few hours. The silence was beautiful. You sat at your desk playing your music loudly, singing on top of it trying to see if the melody in your head worked for this song. The base was simplistic enough, along with the guitar riff. What made the song special in your head was the vocals on top of it. You needed someone to sing it who had power but could be tinder in some moments. The song needed that type of juxtaposition. Maybe Yoonsook could sing it for you. You play it back and listen to yourself. You smile. Yeah, Yoonsook should totally sing it. After a while you find yourself dying for some company. Or maybe dying to leave the dorm. Normally, you aren’t this restless. You could go days or weeks without speaking to another human or seeing one. Some of your most memorable times were holed up in your room only to leave to eat and shower. You get dressed, opting for a blue sweater that was way too big for you making it a dress and some black leggings. You remember stealing it out of his closet, the annoyance in his face when he called you looking for it. You push the thought of being curled up in some ex-boyfriend’s arms and focus on your hair. You put it in two buns and leave for the café, already salivating for some of that enchanting coffee. When you arrive, you see more people in the café than you ever had. The owner was moving back and forth between tables, like a little worker bee. You catch eyes with him and he gestures to a tiny two top near the window. Your bay was occupied by a mother and son. As soon as you see the owner had settled down a bit then you would order, you weren’t in a rush. You pull out your phone scrolling through social media, liking posts and pictures from your friends back at home. None of them really knew about why you were here. They just knew that one day you were having a party wishing you luck for your travels in Korea. That made a lot of people mad…specifically one person. You had been so good since you arrived in Korea. You hadn’t texted, called, emailed, facetimed, snapchatted, or tweeted him since your departure. Would you break now? You put the tip of your thumb in your mouth, gnawing at it fighting the desire to check on him. Was he okay? He hadn’t reached out to you either so he’s probably fine. You sigh, clicking his name internally kicking yourself. It had only been two months since you moved here, two weeks and a day since you were an official trainee, and you were staring at his picture as if you had never spoken to him before. You looked at his deep brown skin, his short kinky hair that smelled like coco butter, his light brown eyes, his shoulders you loved to lay against. Your first boyfriend. The one who taught you everything you knew about music production. And you left him behind like day old garbage. That’s what he said anyway. You start falling deeper down his social media pages looking for any sign of another love interest. Besides the old pictures of you there was just links to sound clouds, pictures of his father’s studio, and selfies. He looked happy. Familiar giggles yank you out of the downward spiral you were on. You look across the café to see Yoonsook sitting there with a young man. He was a trainee too, a talented battle rapper that they had found. He seemed enamored with her. Shouldn’t she be in a class? Did she ditch to come meet up with a boy? You wanted to stand up and tell Sookie to get it, but you sit there and just watch from a distance. Suddenly, you feel like you are being intrusive, but you can’t seem to take your eyes from the display. How long had they liked each other? Why didn’t she tell you? The two of you shared everything…or so you thought. You grab a menu from the table peering from the top of it. Her date reached out and looked like he was going to initiate skin contact. You held your breath knowing this was a big deal. You felt like you were in mission control and the world was waiting for his hand to land on hers. Three. You start to lean forward. Two. Almost there. One. Mission control, it looks like we…Yoonsook takes her hand back placing it on her lap, we do not have a landing…abort, abort! You cringe as the guy reaches up to scratch the top of his head. You had secondary embarrassment for him. She may not like him. That was a shame, he was kind a cute…in a very nerdy rapper kind of way. “What are you doing?” You choke down the scream, your neck disappearing into your shoulders as you turn around. Tae. Even though his face was hidden behind sunglasses and a medical mask, you can feel his big smile. You grab him by shoulders forcing him to sit down and hide behind the menu with you. He looked at you with big baffled eyes. “What are you doing?” You ask back to him, your voice cracking with terror. He laughed a bit and looked behind him beckoning someone to him. You turned around to see a tall, dark haired, broad shoulder’d, handsome idol. Seokjin. You wondered if once someone debut’d, if they got a bucket of sunglasses and a few tons of black medical masks. “Jin and I had a break and I wanted some cake.” He said, dancing at the rhyme he had unintentionally created. You nod and give Jin a smile and a seated bend. The both of them push their sunglasses to the tops of their heads, their masks under their chins. You motion for him to grab a seat, thinking about how great your luck was. If Jin sat right in front of you, but a little off to the side it would look like you were looking at him when you really were looking at Yoonsook and her mystery rapper. He does, and for once your little plan seems to be working. As you closed one eye and press your tongue to the inside of your cheek, you gesture for Jin to move over just a bit. He blinks twice but does it without question. Perfect. You sit up a bit and push down your menu. “I apologize about the strange behavior, Jin-seonbae.” He grins at you kindly and shakes it off. “If you asking me to move over a bit so I don’t obstruct your view is strange, then I live with aliens.” His chuckle is deep and even. You wanted to record it for a baseline. It made you cheerful. “You don’t?” You ask, your eyes flicking back over to Yoonsook. The guy was stuttering about something, rubbing and fiddling with his hands. Oh no. He was going in for the kill. You cover your mouth in horror as you read the guys lips. ‘I like you Yoonsook.’ No, no nooo!! Jin looks at you confused and follows your eyes to the table behind you. He turns forward and looks like he’s about to say something when Tae beats him to the punch. “Is that guy confessing to Yoonsook?!” He says it loudly, as if his was his first time using his outside voice. You want to turtle inside of yourself, find a nice little cozy place and die. Instead, you just look at him and pray that Yoonsook doesn’t turn around. Tae turns to you for confirmation and quickly sits back seeing your face all twisted. He gives a short giggle and folds his hands in his lap realizing he made a mistake. You look over Jin’s shoulder to see that Yoonsook had moved herself just a little bit and was giving you and the whole table full side eye before turning back to the love-struck rapper. That sensation of wanting to be a turtle comes back to you. You purse your lips and look over at Tae annoyed that you were caught. He laughs awkwardly before standing up. “I’m going to get us some cake…Y/N, do you want anything?” He was backing up to the counter without looking. Apology food was always good in your book. You nod. “The vanilla coffee and some macaroons.” “I like the macaroons here.” Jin starts then leans in covering the side of his mouth Tae could see, “But if I’m being honest…the cake here is not that good. I don’t know why Tae likes it so much.” “Yes!” You put your hands over your heart, “I thought I was only one!” Jin sits back and laughs heartily, his eyes turning into half circles. You hear the motion of a chair being pushed back from the table where hearts were being broken. The two-people got up, Yoonsook giving him a polite bow, then other guy rushing away his face bright red. Then the foxlike girl turns around and gives you a death glare you didn’t know she had in her. She walks over slowly, you feel like pray. Jin looks at you confused still and looks over his shoulder. Yoonsook looks at the rising man and it looks like she’s seen the face of Jesus. Her deep brown eyes open up wide and her jaw drops. Her hands raise up to her throat as she takes a deep breath in. “J-j…Jin-seonbae!” She manages to get his name out of her mouth, although garbled. Tae walks over, balancing the items he’s purchased for the table. You stand up and grab the precious cups of coffee, because at the end of the day that was the most important thing in the whole room. He gives you an appreciative smile before putting down the rest of the treats. You grimace looking at a table full of sweets, cakes, puddings, macaroons, cookies. You already think about the stomach ache that you’ll be dealing with. “Hey, Yoonsook.” Tae says before sitting down, looking up at the shocked trainee. She blinks and looks at you. You shrug, before leaning over to another table pulling up a chair to the small area you were sitting at. The table grinds across the floor making the other patrons look up at you. And they look. Their eyes feel spiky on your skin. A few of them take longer to look before going back to whatever they were here for. Yoonsook sits down and makes the respectful motions to her seonbaes. “Hey, Taehyung. How are you?” She beams, happy to spend time with Tae and Jin. Tae goes right into a story about how hard it was to pull Jin out of the dorm today. They’ve some grueling dance practices lately and all Tae wanted to do was come to this café to get his favorite slice of cake. He had begged all of the members for the last three days and the only one who would agree was Jin, who was now his favorite hyung. Yoonsook and you were vowed to secrecy about this fact. He told the story with his big eyes, large hand movements, by the time it was over you were doubled over with laughter, tears streaming out of your eyes. The story wasn’t funny itself, the way he told it was. You wipe away the wetness on your appearance, trying to contain your laughter. Tae was looking pleased that you enjoyed the tale. Yoonsook just looked at you with a slight concern, knowing that when you start laughing like that…you were going to stay like that for a while. Jin looked like he regretted coming with Tae completely. The four of you continue to speak. Yoonsook asks questions about their debut process and how it felt when Jin was chased down by the producer. The idols are gracious enough to answer the questions, but then Jin asks you a question you didn’t know you were afraid of until you heard it. “Y/N-ssi, what will you be singing at the exhibition in two weeks?” You choke on the coffee in your mouth. Exhibition. Two weeks? Singing. What in the world is he talking about? Yoonsook speaks up while you get air to your lungs. “Jin-seonbae…I believe the look on Y/N’s face shows her misunderstanding. I also am confused.” Jin and Tae looked at each other, then Jin grimaced putting his hand over his eyes. Tae just sat back with his arms crossed over his chest smirking, letting his hyung speak. His eyes seemed to say you fucked up dude, good luck with that. “At the end of the first month with the new trainee’s there’s an exhibition to see if you’ve grown in that time and if you haven’t, you’ll be let go. I forgot that they don’t tell you until the week prior.” “My exhibition was particularly awful,” Tae begins. You don’t listen to his story, all you can think about having to sing in front of people again. You thought once the audition was over you’d be done with it…singing in front of the four people the first time was rough. “Who do we perform for?” You ask running right through Tae’s story. You look at him apologetically but finding out this information was critical. Jin smiles. “Everyone.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Maybe you would perish from lack of sleep. You haven’t in the past, but anything was possible. You tried to sleep a bit before it was time to head to your lessons with Yoongi, but all you could think about was singing before everyone at BigHit including your fellow trainees. You felt like all of your organs had been taken from your body without your permission. You felt off. Empty. Scared. You knew that there was going to be cuts, but you figured that the cuts would not involve your performing in anyway. You thought the staff, managers, hell even Bang PD would get together every now and again hold up someone’s picture. From there they’d discuss the person’s assets and flaws. Then discuss if the trainee was worth the time and effort. That would be the simple way. This was the difficult, terrifying way. You want to vomit. All the times you sung for crowds before kept pushing against your skulls. The one time when you were in second grade, peed yourself. Another time in fifth grade, the boy stood up in the middle of your song about flowers and called you ugly. Seventh grade, vomit. Sophomore year, crying during your solo in a production of Fiddler on the Roof. There wasn’t any time you sung before a crowd that ended up being a good instance. Then there were the dark times. You don’t allow yourself to think about that. You would fall apart even more than you already were. A loud obnoxious beeping from your phone reminded you that you had to be on campus in ten minutes for your lesson. You don’t want to go. You didn’t have a choice to refuse, especially on the second lesson. Hopping out of your bed you let out a loud groan, pulling the pillow to your mouth to let out a scream. You don’t feel satisfied. You look at your bare skin against your black spandex shorts and think about showing up in that. You know there would be no way the two of you would match in that get up, but you were also cold. You make sure not to wear anything black or white. One-time matching was an accident. Second time, on purpose. You didn’t need Min Yoongi thinking that you cared more about him other than that he was a means to an end. Waiting outside of the locked hallway door you watched the clock on your phone flip from two to one past two. He was late. You turn around not wanting him to sneak up on you like last time. You lean against the wall, blinking slowly. You want to mention to Yoongi that you need a key or something. This whole being in limbo thing was annoying. The sealed door opens a little, his face poking out, hidden behind a black baseball cap. It scared the shit out of you. You jump back a bit, holding your things to your chest tighter. He gives a slight chuckle, pleased with himself before ducking back into the hallway. You grab the door before it closes on you. The old man headed back to his hidden chamber, you quicken yours steps to make sure you’re not locked out. The inside looked the exact same as it did twenty-four hours ago, except for empty cups of coffee that were on a table near the console. Even he wasn’t savage enough to put liquids near such an expensive machine. You sit down in your chair, you decide that as long as it was the two of you it was your chair. It was soft, and the cushion made a soft pffft noise that made you snicker. You notice he doesn’t sit down, he leans against the console looking at you like you were the enemy. He was angry about something, it vibrated off of him right underneath the surface. Yoongi had the type of anger that if you weren’t looking too close you’d never notice. Unfortunately, you always look too closely. At everyone and everything. You raise your eyebrow at him. He gripped the leather hard, it looked painful. His knuckles turned whiter than possible. You part your lips to say something when he puts his hand up to stop you. He had something he wanted to say first. But he doesn’t, he just paces back and forth in the little space, looking over at you then back to pacing. You wondered if he was going to spit out whatever he was irritated about or if he was just going to keep pacing until your half of the hour was up. Yoongi was aggravated. You don’t understand the dramatics though. You sigh and sink lower in your chair closing your eyes. You might as well catch a few Z’s while waiting for him to come to a decision on his behavior. “Is this a game to you?” He says finally, his voice pulsating with impatience. It makes you crack open one eye and take a deep breath. You cross your arms under your chest playing with your sides. “No, Suga-seonbae. Does it seem like I’m playing a game?” He looks like he wants to strangle you, his galaxy eyes wide with fire behind them. “Why did you tell Namjoon that you were asleep because you stumbled into our studio area and the door locked behind you.” Ah. You had almost forgotten about that whole thing from yesterday morning. From the way he looked it really bothered him. You want to say he could’ve said that he didn’t see you when he came in. You decide against it. “I don’t know! I panicked!” You say throwing your hands in the air. “I was taking a selfie of the plaques and then he walked in. There wasn’t a closet to hide in…I was afraid you wouldn’t come back to the door…so I pretended to fall asleep.” He groaned at your answer, covering his eyes. “You made me look like some type of uncaring, asshole.” You wanted to quip back, you’re not? But that would’ve gotten you thrown out of the kingdom and you weren’t ready for reality just yet. “From now on as soon as we are finished in here you leave. You don’t stop to look at anything just straight back to the trainee dorm. Got it, trainee.” You nod, feeling like he had hit the back of your hand with a ruler. Then you look at him blinking. You make the realization that he’s never said your name. It’s always been trainee. “Wait. Why do you call me trainee?” “Because you are one.” He mutters sitting down next to you, almost melting into the seat. The only thing visible from all the black he was wearing was his pale skin and his light pink lips. “But I have a name. Its –” “I know your name, trainee.” You understood the tone in his voice. It meant there was no need to push the matter further. You click your tongue three times in a row before starting on the lesson. It was sloppy. It didn’t flow like the day before where you had really thought about the best way to give him the information. Now you were just throwing things at him to see if it was stick. You were unfocused. There was no energy behind the things you were saying, and he could tell. You were trying to push past the thoughts swirling in your head, but the idea of singing for so many people knocked you off your square. You were in a bad headspace about it. He leaned forward in his seat putting his hands on his knees, his fingers tapping his pallid skin. The rapper rubbed his eyebrow before sighing. “What is wrong with you?” He says it low and slow in English. He says it as if his tongue was made out of metal. You fight the urge to smile, he does listen to you. You blow out air and pull a strand of your curls from the tightly compressed bun it lived in, rolling it around before your eyes. You open your mouth to tell him nothing is wrong. “Someone told me about the exhibition in a few weeks that the trainees have to participate in.” Is what you actually say much to your dismay and in Korean. He gives you this puzzled look before his face shifting to a grimace. He didn’t understand what that had to do with anything, especially not English. You chew on your bottom lip, digging your nails into the palms of your hand sighing. You don’t know why but you just say everything you were holding back. “I have stage fright. Like terrible stage fright. The only reason BigHit took me is because I begged them to let me sing with my back facing them. I’m sure you can imagine how crazy that looks. Everywhere else I was turned away half way through my song because nothing came out but squeaks. I have panic attacks anytime I have to perform to a crowd. I feel like I’m going to vomit when simply speaking for big gatherings, like the first day.” You see him nod, “I don’t even want to be a performer, I just want to be a producer. A song writer. A composer, but not an idol. The fans, the screaming, all of it is too much. It’s too overwhelming.” You reached too far in your bag and it was spilling all of it all over Yoongi’s studio. Precious things that you had kept locked away, on the floor of an Idol who you imagine didn’t give a flying fuck about what you were saying. You couldn’t even look at him as you kept talking, “I just had to love K-Pop. I just had to decide that it was genre I wanted to create. And now I’m here. So close to the goal and because of stage fright I’m not going to make it. I’m a fraud. A fake. I’ve taken up space from someone who really wants it.” You wanted to suck those words back into your lungs, but they hung in the air like bad perfume. The rapper doesn’t say anything. He probably is going to relay all of this information to Bang PD and you’ll be on the first flight back home. Two weeks and two days and you have not a lot to show for it. You hear the alarm from his phone sound off. Thirty minutes. You grab your books and papers, standing up taking a deep breath. You can’t look at him as you leave the studio, but you feel lighter. Every little buzz, bing, pin from your phone makes your skin crawl. Was this the email that would call you into Bang PD’s office? Was this the text from Yoonsook asking why someone was gathering your things? You’d been staring at your phone for hours. Would they even tell you if you were kicked out or would be a lot like the mafia and there’d be a black bag put over your head? You were sure that Yoongi would tell someone what you said. Bugging someone in their studio was one thing but admitting you didn’t want to be here was another. You were an idiot. You should’ve just done your side job and taught the idol English, but you didn’t. You felt too comfortable and safe in that studio space. The four walls reminded you of comfort and stability. You made a mistake. You wanted to slam your head against the wall over and over until you become a pile of rubble. For once you’re glad that you have a five-hour dance class. If they needed you they’d send one of the secretaries in. You focused only on dancing and dancing alone. You appreciate the way your muscles feel when moving from one move to another. The stretch, the sting, the delicate emotion you feel finally getting your footing correct. You understood why Yoonsook loved to dance so much. Why her eyes shined when she talked about it. The music stops quickly. The instructor mentions for you all to take a five-minute break. You don’t want to. You want to dance until your body turns to dust. You grab your water bottle and take a sip, wrapping your towel around your neck. Your body was giving you signs that you needed to take it easy, to eat something, but your irritation and anger and embarrassment made you want to throw caution to the wind. You look at the other girls in your class, hearing them laugh and joke with each other. You wondered if they would miss you once you were kicked out or if they knew it was just a matter of time. You take a bigger gulp of water, the pressure hurting your throat on the way down. What would your mom think? You should call her and tell her that you’ll be home soon. She’ll be happy to see you. And your siblings would be ecstatic, although confused. You wonder how long it would take for things to become normal again. Would they ask you what happened in great detail or would you be able to get away with saying it didn’t work out. That you’ll figure out how to produce another way. But all of the money, time, everything spent here…being told to leave seems like catastrophe. You groan and press your hands into eyes until stars appear against the darkness. You chew the side of your lip, until you begin to peel bits of the skin off. Stop. Nervous habits start to bubble at the thought of having to go home with your tail between your legs. “Alright, lets run it. Group A.” The instructor calls out. You sit down in line with your group, C. The seven girls get in formation. The dance he taught you all this week was a bit more sensual than the hip-hop inspired dance the first week. There was a lot of dips, hip thrusts, bedroom eyes. You’d never tell anyone this, but you loved the sensual dance. It let the secret sexy side of you that never gets seen to come out. You stood up marking time in the back, making sure that everything was correct. Group A was, in your opinion, made up of the best-looking girls of your class. All slender, innocent looking young women. They looked like their faces were built for cuteness and sexiness at the same time. The way they danced together looked like they have been a group for years. While you marked the dance behind them you found yourself enamored with how happy they looked while doing the dance. You think back to your own reflection in the mirror and wondered if you looked that happy. Or if you always looked like you were seconds away from dying. The song ended, and the instructor seemed pleased. He called up the next group. Six girls this time, along with the fragile young woman who had passed out the first week. You suppose you need to stop calling her the weak girl and at least try to know the girls proper name. Kim Chiyun…who had announced one day in the lunch room that her stage name would be Stacy. Out of all the stage names you didn’t know why she wanted to choose Stacy, but more power to her. Their song started, and it was chaos. Like they hadn’t learned anything. They didn’t match at all, it was like they were all trying to out dance the other. ‘Stacy’ stepped on another girl’s feet in what looked like it was on purpose. Another girl, while bent over booty checked someone, causing that person to tumble. It was a dance fight. Your jaw dropped. You were unable to look away from the car wreck. Even the best dancers of group B was having a problem. They tried to remain in line, do their job, but when the same girl booty checked another one a literal fight broke out. One of them screamed that it was on purpose, while another one lunged for Stacy. You covered your mouth trying to hide your shock and laughter. Well, this was a better sendoff gift that you could imagine for. A literal fight in dance class. The instructor yelled out, his deep baritone voice cutting through the music. Group B looked embarrassed, looking at the floor. He doesn’t say much a forceful sit down. They move slowly but ‘Stacy’ asks if they could have another shot. He doesn’t say anything but to tell your group to get up. You were already standing up, so you walk to your formation, refusing to look at the failed group of girls. Well, if you were to be kicked out, at least you weren’t being kicked out because you didn’t know how to play with others. That gave you a little warmth and hope. Without a word, probably still irritated from the last group, the instructor starts the song. You put your hands on the girl next to you and lift your knee, your thigh shooting out a sharp pain. You smile through it before kicking it out and continuing with the dance. You slide that leg across the floor connecting it with another girl, remembering to smile. You glance at yourself in the mirror and your smile looks a lot less of a smile and a lot more like a grimace, filled with pain and irritation. You keep dancing focusing on the moves and the musicality deciding if this would be your last dance it would be your best. You let yourself go putting all you had into it. You ignore the pain you still feel in your thigh, swallowing. Your breathing was labored as you tried to keep up, but your fuel tank was running on empty and your physique was letting you know one body part at a time. You knew that you had maybe a minute left of the song. You could make it. You would make it. You had to make it.
POP!
You heard it before you felt it. The sound was all internal, but the feeling was beyond anything you ever experienced. Your knee was on fire as you fell down. You realize after a moment the screaming noises were coming from you. You cover your mouth as you feel a hand on your shoulder asking if you were okay. You fight through the intense discomfort you feel to look into the eyes of your instructor. You nod and try to stand up. You want to tell him that you can continue the dance, but he scoops you up as if you were the lightest thing in the world. You close your eyes in humiliation. Not only are you being kicked out of the trainee program, you hurt yourself. Today was a great fucking day. “You hyperextended your knee. Its gonna hurt for a while, but you’ll be okay. It’ll be about two to four weeks until you are able to dance full out again.” The on-staff nurse says with a smile. The instructor dropped you off with her wishing you the best of luck before hurrying back to class. How in the hell did you hyperextend your knee and how does a fucking knee hyperextend? As you lay back on one of the beds in the room that’s all you can think. Your leg with the strained knee was laying out with the other one tucked underneath as you try not to glare at the nurse. It wasn’t her fault that you hurt yourself. The sweet irony of the situation did not escape you. Two to four weeks and you’ll be able to dance again. You wanted to tell her that you wouldn’t be in in two to four hours give or take. She was looking all over the room for something, you didn’t really care what, because everything was hilarious to you. You haven’t eaten, you haven’t slept, you are in pain, and you are being kicked out of a program by a blank faced, dark-haired, genius producer and rapper. There’s a tickle in your stomach that presses harder against your vocal chords as you start to laugh. You don’t try to stifle it down you let it out. It’s an awkward, gaudy laugh that sounds like your half crazy. It feels good. You normally would cover your face in an effort to stop yourself, but here and now…you just laugh. The nurse looks at you like you’re having a mental breakdown. You probably are. She swallows and excuses herself to look for some wraps or brace for your knee. You want to tell her not to worry about, no need to spend extra expense on someone who will be leaving. You watch her vanish into hallway to look for whatever she needed to fix you up and get you out of her office. With your hands tucked behind your head, you try to find a comfortable position without moving your leg around too much. You wished you had your phone with you, but it’s back in the dance room. You wondered when she’d be back with the gauze and brace. You wished that you, at least, had your notebook with you and made a mental note to start shoving one in whatever bra you were wearing. With your eyes closed you decide to count your heart beats over and over. A trick you're ex gave you when you were irritated. One. Two. Three. Hana Dul Set. It was your second favorite BTS song. You remember singing along to it, standing in the mirror mouthing the words along with Namjoon, and how surprised you were hearing his singing voice. He wasn’t half bad. You snap your eyes open looking around before indulging yourself in singing the chorus. You remember your ex driving you around LA with the windows down, you screaming this song standing up through the sunroof. He’d kiss your stomach when Namjoon would say this was all for you. He couldn’t speak a lick of Korean, but he’d try to rap along. Thinking about the wrong syllables coming out of his mouth always made you crack up. You moved your hand to your heart, feeling it race at the thought of him. That was probably the best part about your eventual departure, you’d be able to see him again. Maybe get him back. You hear someone groaning and wincing from down the hallway. It makes you stop singing immediately. You watch someone hobble into the nurse’s office, muttering obscenities, holding his back as if he was eighty years old. He manages somehow to get to the other bed and ungracefully falls upon it. His torso that was covered in a red and yellow hoodie was the only thing that made it to the bed. His bottom half, in black shorts, was failing off of it. He looked like a fish that someone had taken out of the water. You blink a few times trying to figure out who the heck would make an entrance like that as he pulls the hood off, showing off his reddish-brown hair. He tries to move his body up on the bed more, and cusses louder. You snicker. Hoseok had somehow hurt himself and was in the nurse’s office. Joy. You suppose it was fitting. You started your day with an idol and one will now see you off. Although, if you were being honest, it’d be more poetic if it was Yoongi. The dancing idol manages to look in your direction but not at you. He mutters another curse, while his hands massage his lower back. “Where is the nurse?” His voice comes out not sounding like the happy-go lucky idol you’ve come to expect. He’s in real pain. His voice was strained. You look over at him and notice his eyes are closed and it looks like he might cry from the discomfort. Shit. You want to get up and help him but, you can barely move yourself. “Hopefully she’ll be back soon. She went to look for some stuff for my knee, Jhope-seonbae.” He sighs and puts his face in the cushion groaning. He manages to scoot himself up so he’s not straining his back any further. He changes the position of his head, so he can look at you. His eyes run up and down your body, not in a sensual way but in a way of trying to figure out who was with him. You can see the lightbulb go off in his eyes before a bright smile reaches his face. He moves one hand to cover his face while the other keeps rubbing and pressing against the wounded muscle. “I’m embarrassed you are seeing me like this.” He says quietly. You look at him with a small smile shaking your head. You are the one who should feel that way. “No need to be embarrassed. Do you mind if I ask what happened?” You inquire. He peers out from his fingers and sighs hard. You can see him thinking about the answer as his long fingers dip into his mane. “I was working on some new moves and I twisted something in my back. It feels like someone is stabbing me over and over again.” He clicks his tongue in annoyance, before closing his eyes. “Do you know when she’ll be back, Y/N-ssi?” “I don’t. She’s been gone for maybe five minutes if that? Hopefully she’ll be back soon.” He gives a short nod, wincing, going back to massaging. The two of you laid up with dance injuries. You wonder if he’ll start laughing himself. You realized that he said your name, you grimace looking away from him sighing. Then, of course because you can’t help yourself, you ask “Wait…why do you know my name?” He gives short staccato laugh before smiling again. “It’s not every day a foreigner becomes a recruit. People tend to talk about things that are different.” He says eloquently. You understood what he was trying to say. It’s not every day a black girl becomes a recruit. There is heat on your cheekbones and a deep sigh comes out of you. As long as they are saying nice things behind your back you could deal, but the idea of someone talking about you to your seonbae…gives you anxiety. This was the second time that someone has told you that you are being brought up in conversations you are not privy too. Namjoon. Now Hoseok. You don’t know why you didn’t take this into account when starting this journey. You were prepared for the weird looks, the unnecessary invasion in your personal space, but you weren’t ready for people to be talking about you to others in anyway shape or form. What where they saying? Were the words kind? Were they talking about how you walked? Were they assessing your behavior? Were they trying to see if you were a threat? You felt yourself inches away from jumping into the abyss of figuring out what people were saying about you to the members of BTS. Now, you were a smart girl…but you know you aren’t that smart to read minds. “They are all good things, Y/N-ssi.” He says, as if he knew where your mind was going. You glance back over at him and try to smile, but it falls immediately. He gives another small chuckle before closing his eyes. His hands had stopped massaging and laid at his side, “I probably shouldn’t have told you that. If someone mentioned that to me I’d be dying to figure out what’s being said.” “I am.” You say quietly. He lets out a loud laugh then winces his hands immediately going to his back. He groans and whines. “Where is the nurse!?” You feel bad about his situation, and even though you should be seated you push yourself off the bed. Your knee blooms with a pain as you scowl, falling back down. Your body clearly didn’t want you to do that, but your body really didn’t have a say in the matter. “Yah! What are you doing?” He yells at you across the room. “Trying to get you a heating pack or an ice pack or something.” You mutter, ignoring his protests. You push yourself up again, placing all of your weight on the leg that wouldn’t give out. In most nurse’s offices there is a fridge or something, at least where you grew up there was. You look around the white and light blue room until you see your target. The fridge was about six feet from you. You tilt your head back and forth judging how many jumps it would take from your location to the fridge then to his bedside. “I’ll be fine…once the nurse gets here. Please lay down.” Hoseok muttered. You could tell by the tone of his voice he meant it…sort of. He wasn’t in the position to refuse your help and you couldn’t be seated listening to his groaning for any longer. You smiled widely at him and gave him a thumb up. He shakes his head and closes his mouth knowing that you were going to do whatever you felt, and his voice fell on deaf ears. The first hop was easier than you thought. You felt a little smug, if you could hop then this would be a piece of cake. Although, you wished the mission impossible theme would stop playing in your head. You hopped a few more times until you got to a place where you had nothing to lean on anymore. You could either make one huge hop or multiple smaller hops, which could result in you almost falling and fucking your knee more. You take the risk. One big hop. While you weren’t in the air for a long time, you felt like a superhero. You land solidly and let out a nervous breath. You leaned against the desk as opening the upper part of the fridge, the freezer. Inside was the thing you were looking for. A light blue ice pack. Feeling like the baddest bitch to ever live you clutch the pack to your chest before starting your trek to Hoseok. Hop. Hop. Hop. You felt like a stupid bunny, though with your love for Sailor Moon you feel a little better about the situation. If you were a bunny, then you were in good company. “Do you mind if I pull down your undershirt? I don’t want this to be directly on your skin.” You said as you stood beside him. He gives a little nod his eyes still closed. You wonder if he’s doing it because he’s embarrassed or if the pain is making it hard for him to speak. You reach under his hoodie quickly, pulling down his white tank top before putting the ice pack on his lower back. The noise he made was a mixture of irritation of it being so cold but relief. Pure, unbridled relief. You make your way back to your bed and lay back down in it. The look on his face was worth the slight pain you were feeling. You beam at him, this feeling of pride bubbling up in your spirit. You don’t know why it makes you feel so proud, but it does. “Thank you, Y/N-ssi. Honestly, you really didn’t have to do it but I’m so glad you did.” “Please don’t mention it.” You say quickly to him, turning back to the door. You did your one good deed for the day. Now the nurse should walk in with whoever is taking you away from this place and all will be right with the world. You heard footsteps coming and watched someone walk past. “You are a real fighter huh? Don’t know when to stop.” He says. Shock rocks you so forcefully you have to look over at him. He was just smiling, nodding his head up and down. You wanted to say no. You aren’t a fighter, especially right now. You weren’t going to fight to stay here. You always know when to stop. And right now, seemed like an appropriate time to stop this grand experiment you were participating in. You fought to get him the ice pack because you didn’t want to see him in pain anymore. You were not a fighter. Not right now. “Being a fighter is good. You should never be afraid to fight for the things you want.” “Yes…Jhope-seonbae.” The words barely come out of your mouth. He thought you were a fighter. You didn’t know if you should be honored by that fact or disgusted. A knocking on the side of the door alerted you that you weren’t alone anymore. The nurse had finally made her way back with the essentials she needed to get you out. Upon seeing the idol, your injuries were put second in line. The nurse fluttered around him in a matter he seemed accustomed too. She questioned how he got the ice pack and he said it was all thanks to his hubae. The nurse glanced over at you and bowed in thanks. You looked back at her with a slight smile, wanting her to focus on him so he could get out of here and stop analyzing you. He said you were a fighter. Hoseok was fixed up and leaving the office in a matter of minutes as soon as the nurse started working on him up. He’d have to be on bed rest for a day or two, something he sounded like he was irritated by, but you could feel he’d enjoy not having to do anything for those moments. You watched him start to hobble out of the office when he stopped at the threshold. He turned to you and gave you a large smile. It made your cheeks hurt looking at it.“Fight for it, Y/N-ssi.”But how do you fight for something you are terrified to do?
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The words that Hoseok told you continue to play in your head like an annoying song that’s gotten stuck there. Fight for it. You turn over in your bed gingerly, always making sure your knee was okay. Fight for it…fight for what? Fight to stay here? Fight to sing? What does he know? His effervescent personality reminded you of soda bubbles that would tickle your nose. You groan and sit up tossing your pillow across the room. It hits your lamp knocking various things off your desk. Fight for it. As you press your head against thighs, your hands run up and down you’re your neck. Fight for it. There was no point in fighting for it, not really. You missed your lesson with Yoongi on purpose. That ship has now sailed, caught on fire and sunk. There was no coming back from it. And if you couldn’t work in the studio why were you even here? You fell back in bed wishing Lacrimosa would play in the background with some candles lit by the window. You felt like being overly emotional and dramatic. If you hadn’t fucked up your knee, you’d be able to hold a pillow over your face and scream into it, kicking like a child. You missed your mom. You missed your family. You glanced at the clock seeing it was 10AM, meaning it was around 6pm at home. You needed to talk to your mom or someone. You needed to be grounded. You open up your phone and FaceTime your mother. The familiar ringing fills up the dark quiet of your bedroom. It rings four times until it connects. You hear commotion and yelling and English, it warms your heart. “Here! Marina, Kevin. Take this. I’m driving.” You hear your mom say, before the picture on the screen shifts to a face you just want to squish. Marina. Your older, younger sister. Her European skin looked splotchy as if she had been crying. All of your worries and irritations washed away as you sit up, trying to find a light so she can see your face. “MarMar…whats the matter?” You coo at her. She turns her deep blue orbs to you before pressing her hand into her eyes as one started leaking. Your heart tightened. Noone should ever see their sister like this. A hand shoots from behind her and grabs the phone. In the picture you see a young man, his skin the literal color of honey. Kevin. You smile sweetly before frowning. “Why’d you take the phone from Marina?” “Because she can’t answer you right now. She’s going through emotional destress.” He says with a chuckle. A firm shut up is said just off camera. “What’s wrong with her?” “Oh, she’s just got a flair for the dramatic!” Kevin answers, without actually answering. You purse your lips at him and shake your head. All of your siblings had the flair for the dramatic. Your mother never understood how children from different backgrounds could be so similar, but she loved it. “It must be momma’s lucky day. Stephanie and Serena called today.” “The twins called mom! They do love you!” You laugh, remembering the two years that they were fostered and causing tons of trouble around the house. You hear your mother’s sweet laugh and it nearly brings you to tears. You didn’t realize how much you missed your family, your mom until listening to them in the car. Your whole soul yearned to be in the car with them able to reach out and squeeze Marina’s shoulder. Or tickle Kevin. Or just hug your mom. You’d kill to be embraced by your mom right now. While Kevin’s holding the phone, you and your mom talk. You don’t mention anything about the lessons or the incident in Yoongi’s studio. You find out that Marina didn’t make the college volleyball team this year. Her senior year and she didn’t even get a bench spot. The pain in her voice is unbearable. You couldn’t bring your own bullshit while your mom was dealing with this. “Oh, MarMar. I’m sorry you didn’t make it. The team is gonna lose every single fucking game this year, I swear it.” “Y/N!” Your mom hisses before the phone is snatched and she looks at you through the camera. You look back at her sheepishly before giving her a big grin. She looks out the windshield before handing the phone back to Kevin. She looked the same, round face, tan skin, thin dark hair she keeps in a messy bun on the top of her head. Your mommy. “The only thing that will make it better is if you tell me you are best friends with any of the members of BTS.” Marina hiccups. You sigh and lean against the wall, sticking your hand in your mass of curls rubbing your scalp. You don’t want to mention your encounters with the idols. “What’s BTS?” You offer up instead. You could almost hear Marina roll her eye at you as Kevin just laughs, his eyes getting smaller as his smile gets wider. You really did owe Marina everything. You only auditioned at BigHit when she told you to try there as a last resort. You tuck your bottom lip in your mouth and smile. “Yeah, they are cool. I wouldn’t say that we are best friends, but my seonbaes are very helpful.” “Oh my God! You met them? I was just kidding. Tell me everything. It will help me forget what a dumb ass my ex-coach is.” She says, grabbing the phone and placing her face close to the camera. You talk about the members of BTS in a very detached way. Ever since you got your sister into K-Pop she was enamored with the whole culture. Going to KCons, begging you and momma to teach her Korean, even crying when she was left behind. Although you were younger than her by three years, she was very much the baby of the family. Momma’s last adoption she said when Marina came home. Marina’s eyes get bigger and bigger as you tell her about your new life in Korea. You get to the part about your knee and your mom freaks out. Grimacing you tell her everything is alright and that you’ll be right as rain in a few weeks. Talking to your family, without really talking about what was wrong, made you feel better. You don’t want to hang up, but you know you should. You wave and press the red button. The phone call lasted for twenty minutes but you wished it could last for hours. You’d be home soon enough, and you and your family could do all of that again. The phone sits on your heart as you hum a tune. Home is where the heart is. Momma. Marina. Kevin. You tried to push down the want to cry by taking a deep breath, but a solidary tear falls from your eye as you think about how disappointed they’ll be in you. You always hated that. The whole I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed speech parents gave. Your mom never gave it but there would be a look she would give you and it felt like someone cut you in half. If you felt like that for you, you couldn’t imagine the pain that your mom was feeling when giving that look. You didn’t want her to look at you like that. After hours of sulking in your bed, you manage to get up and walk out of your room. Your blanket was still wrapped around you like some puffy green armor. The bright lights from the living room made you wince. You needed to eat and drink something. You shuffle over to the fridge pulling it open and assessing the situation that looked dire. There were some leftovers from a dinner you made and some water. You needed to go grocery shopping soon. You snorted. Yoonsook would need to make her new roommate go grocery shopping soon. As soon as you get the food and water you make your way to the couch, getting comfortable in your cocoon nourishing your body. Sounds of a door unlocking is the only thing that makes you think twice about the state you were in. Yoonsook was home. You tap around for your phone realizing you left it in the other room. “You’ve come out your room, Y/N-ssi.” Her voice is light, slightly clipped. You look over your shoulder, as you shove cold food in your mouth. Her eyes widen, and she snickers a bit. You see she has two coffees in her hands. “Yah, don’t look at me like that. I shouldn’t be buying you anything the way you’ve been acting. I haven’t heard anything from you in days except from heavy groaning from your room.” You want to apologize to her, but your mouth remains closed. She shakes her head and brings you over the treat before sitting next to you on the couch. You look at her and lean your head back, opening your blanket to show off the brace on your knee. She hisses, clicking her tongue at you. “I hyperextended it, which is why I’m not at dance as we speak.” Yoonsook nods, tucking her hair behind her ear. You can tell she wants to talk about something but she’s afraid to upset your mood. You sit up and look at her, “What is it, Sookie?” She taps her coffee cup three times before taking a sip, leaving residue of her light pink lipstick on the black top. She looks over at you before crossing her legs. “We haven’t talked about you spying on me the other day.” “I wasn’t spying.” You say, because you weren’t at first. It wasn’t your fault that watching Yoonsook and rando rapper was the most entertaining thing you’ve seen in a while. She rolls her eyes at you. “What do you call it then? You weren’t there then suddenly you Tae and Jin-seonbae was there. Watching. You don’t know how humiliated I felt.” You say nothing. Your roommate waits to see if you are going to interject again, but you don’t. She had every right to ream into you. If you were in her shoes you’d be irritated, angry even. You just wait to see what she has to say. Yoonsook continues on and allows her irritation to fully bubble up. She’s up and pacing back and forth talking about how she didn’t even know the guy liked her. How she missed class for that idiot. She felt stupid. When she got out everything that she wanted to say, her face was red and her breathing was hard. “Feel better?” You question, trying not to laugh at her. Yoonsook’s deep brown eyes look at you before she sits down on the ground with her legs crossed laughing hard. “Yes.” “But seriously, what was his name again because he’s super cute and I need someone who will help me take the pain away.” Yoonsook looks at you with big eyes before looking away, a deep red covering her cheeks. “I hate the American things that come out of your mouth! And you’re lucky your knee hurts, or I’d punish you for the things that you say.” She mutters at you. You give her finger guns before taking a sip of your coffee. The two of you spend the next hour talking. She asks about your lessons with Yoongi. You blow off the question, not wanting to explain your meltdown or your embarrassment. The only reason the two of you stop talking is when she reminds you that you have a voice lesson later that day. What you would do without Yoonsook in your life, you would never know. You were just glad for now…that you didn’t have to find out. The bum knee would be the death of you. Your normal ten-minute walk takes now twenty, thirty minutes if you were really being lazy. You find yourself getting annoyed easily at your past self for dancing without care. Upon arrival at the music room you realize you are thirty minutes early. You have choices, you could either go to the lunch room and relax there or you could practice and wait for your teacher. Your knee makes your decision. You sit down at the ivory keys and plunking a few things out, until hearing the Aminor chord made you nostalgic. You thought about one of the first songs you ever wrote. Sitting at an old out of tune piano as the rain fell, you wrote this song. The words tumbled out of your mouth as you play your heart out, relieved that nobody was able to hear you. “We used to dance together in the rain. The whole world could scream my name, but I’d only hear you. I’d only want you. Don’t you know you are my fire, my light! My moonlight on a dark night. My love. My everything. My everything.” As you sing your song at the top of your lungs, you hear how childish and immature the lyrics were but when you wrote that song you really meant them. You push your foot on the damper pedal letting all the notes meld in to one another creating a beautiful rainbow of sound. You could hear a banging baseline go there where the rapper would take over the helm. You smiled swaying your body imaging what a rapper would say. You kept the base part going while pretending to move a hat you didn’t have on your head down low. “Errythan, errythan, errythan, baby girl I want give you this wedding ring. Cuz when our backs are against the wall I’ll give you my all.” You pause laughing at your stupid rap. You were glad that nobody has asked you to learn how yet. Sitting at the piano singing and writing songs made you feel so much better. Sometimes you just need creative release, even if you aren’t creating anything. You went through your old playlists belting your face off. The vibration coming from your mouth warmed your spirit. Singing is something you always loved to do in secret. Something that you needed to do when you were nervous, lonely, sad. Since arriving to Korea you haven’t really sung the way you wanted too. You were stifling yourself in voice lessons, singing only when you though others weren’t around but here alone…you were letting all of it out. Clapping. You heard the gentle sound of a hand meeting another hand. You turn around slowly glaring at whoever was standing there. In all of his brilliant glory, Kim Namjoon was clapping his smile bright. This is the opposite of what you wanted. He looks at you and puts his hands up giving a quick laugh. “Sorry. I uh…I heard the singing through the door and it was unlocked. I wanted to see who was singing like that.” Like that…like that good or like that bad? “Great. You’ve seen. Now you can go.” His dark brown eyes look over you as he just continues to smile, even though you were glaring at him like that. Other elders would berate you for your lack of respect but he didn’t mind it. You were more worried about if he heard your stupid rap or the lyrics to your song. “Did you write it, Y/N-ssi?” He asks, walking into the room. You watch the door close behind him as he stands in the corner. You felt like someone was suffocating you just as you got a big breath of air. He heard you. You wanted to crawl under the piano and disappear forever. “Yes.” You say slowly trying to figure out what he was doing here. Namjoon had a habit of appearing when he was not needed or wanted in your life. You looked closer at his appearance. Another beanie, a light pink shirt, ralph lauren overalls and more timbs. You crossed your legs leaning against the piano hitting the middle C over and over again. “It’s pretty good, a bit juvenile.”“Juvenile?” You ask, tilting your head. If this tall Korean boy didn’t leave you alone, you couldn’t promise to any of his fans that he’d remain intact. You worked hard on those lyrics and you couldn’t believe he was just shitting on them like that. “Sure…I didn’t mean anything by it…it just sounds young.” “Young?” You nearly seethe at him. He looks at you innocently like he doesn’t understand what he’s doing to you. How bad it hurts that he’s making fun of your work. “Yeah. I mean it makes sense…you are 16 right?” You freeze before you snort at him and shake your head. While taking all of your curls and throwing it into a messy bun on the top of your head, you looked at him chuckling. It made sense, he wasn’t making fun of you. He legitimately thought that you were sixteen years of age. Sweet boy. “Is that how old you think I am? 16…” You nod a few times, before snickering at him again. He looks at you confused before scratching the back of his head. The realization hits him that he had dug himself a deep grave. You watch him reach his hands out, horror on his face. “I mean…shit…ah!” You watched him sputter and stumble over his words until he just bowed in your direction. So, he was human after all. You didn’t even try to hide your laugh as it spilled out of your mouth. You hit the top of the piano a few times, unable to control your movements. “This is hilarious! RM-seonbae! You are hilarious.” You giggle as you feel tears starting to pool in your eyes. You clean them quickly taking a deep breath looking up at him. His face was a deep shade of red as his lips were tightened in a slight smile. “Okay. I’m not 16. I’m 19. And I wrote that song when I was younger, I shouldn’t have gotten so defensive.” He looks at you unsure until you give him a big smile. He exhales relieved. “Can I sit?” He asks. You nod and scoot over on the piano bench, making sure to leave a lot of space. You start up hitting middle C again, hating the silence. You start playing random notes, trying to figure out why he was here. “How long have you played piano?” “Since I was – ” You pause, before shaking your head. “5. Momma saw that I was having a really hard time and wanted me to get a creative outlet.” You wanted to hit yourself in the head. He didn’t ask the way…just how long. He smiled and crossed his leg, pressing the keys. “I’ve always admired those who can play piano. I’m not really that good at it.” You look at him and smile. “You can’t be good at everything, RM-seonbae. You have to leave some skills for the rest of humanity.” You say, nudging him. He lets out a deep chuckle before sighing. He plucks along with you. You put both of your hands on the keys playing a song in the higher octave. The leader just keeps plucking along, always staying in the right key with you. You sigh and continue to play, “Is everything alright?” He hums in response before nodding. “Yeah.” His part stops as he crosses his arms over his chest, “I’m just taking a bit of a break before I jump back in the studio.” You make a noise to show that you understand. He just wants a nice quiet place to spend a few minutes, although you’re not sure why that had to be with you, but you let it happen. You keep playing a song you wrote a few weeks ago, closing your eyes really digging deep into the song hoping he could feel the emotion you had while making it. That was the purpose of music wasn’t it? To help the audience feel what you feel. You always would tell others that if one person loved your music that would be enough. It was dirty lie. You wanted the whole world to feel your music, to love it as much as you love writing it. You keep you foot on the damper pedal playing the final notes, letting them just lift in the air. Taking a deep breath, you turn to him trying not to look expectant or hopeful. You wanted him to like it. “Did you write this too?” He asked. You nod, before taking your hands off the keys giving him a small smile. “Is it juvenile? Young? Cuz I wrote it last week.” Namjoon rolled his warm chocolate eyes at you before smirking. “Alright. I get it!” You let out a chuckle before stretching your body up and rubbing your eyes. Although you slept for the recommended amount last time you were still exhausted. You laid your head on the beautiful instrument, before turning your head to look at the idol. He looked at you and grinned widely before getting embarrassed and hiding behind his hand. You snorted and shook your head, yawning again. “Still falling asleep in places, you shouldn’t be?” “Still walking random trainee’s home at 3am?” You shot back, unable to bite your tongue. His eyes go wide and sparkle as he starts to stand up. “Only the good ones.” He says. “I feel honored.” You mutter flatly closing your eyes. You were happy that he was leaving…right? You don’t allow yourself to think about it. In a few minutes your voice lesson would start, and you didn’t want to be caught with your seonbae in a private music room. That would be terrible. “You didn’t let me finish. Only the good ones, besides you.” You sit up fast, surprise running through your system. Your eyes were big as you looked at the leader laughing hard. You wanted to reach out and hit him playfully, but you kept your hands to yourself. He was laughing so hard, holding his stomach.“OH! RM-seonbae’s got jokes!” His laugh made you happy. Although you wished he didn’t interrupt your personal therapy session, it was nice talking to him again. He put his hand on the door knob and gave a quick wave before walking into the hallway. Your lesson went well. The teacher was very impressed with you today. She mentioned that you seemed to be in a very good mood. You just chuckled at her. You didn’t feel any different, you just wanted to sing today. And sing you did. A little part of you that you normally never listen to hoping Namjoon was listening to you sing. Singing for the attention of men never ended well. As you hobble back to your dorm room, you hear your phone go off. You don’t feel like looking at it while you were gingerly making your way across campus. You were afraid if it took your focus away you’d trip and go down. As soon as you hit the couch you’d check whatever message it was. You don’t even have the energy to use your keys to get in. You knock, scratch, and paw at the door like a lost kitten. Calling out your roommate’s name sober was not an experience you thought you wanted, but it was fun none the less. The foxlike girl opened up the door, irritated. You wrapped your arms around her hugging her tight. “Sookie. I love you.” You said snuggling close to her. She froze in your arms before patting your back a few times, then pushed you off. You smelled food in the air. “Yes! And you made dinner. Can we get married?” She rolled her eyes at you before walking back to the kitchen, cussing you out under her breath. You plop on the couch, taking all of the space while Yoonsook slaved away in the kitchen. You were in such a great mood. You had almost forgot that you were about to be kicked out of the program. But no email came from anyone yet so…you felt optimistic about the whole situation. Maybe Yoongi told and they told him that you were too valuable and would come around. You snorted. That totally didn’t happen, but a girl could dream. Yoongi was probably too lazy to tell and explain how he found out the information. You grabbed the pillow and snuggled it close. You didn’t have to fight for it. Everything just worked out in your favor. Pulling your phone out of your pocket you remembered the buzzing. You unlock your phone to see a text from your mom saying now nice it was to hear from you. How you cheered Marina up. Your heart swelled. Then an email came in. Bang Si-Hyuk 4:32 PM Meeting Tomorrow To: Y/N Please meet me in my office at 2:30 PM. Thank you. Dread washed over you. You were getting kicked out after all. You knew it was coming, you just didn’t know how bad it would feel.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
That rat bastard idiot stupid asshole Min Yoongi did exactly what you thought he was going to do. He told Bang Si-Hyuk. You couldn’t believe it. You knew he was going to do it, you just didn’t know he was going to wait. He should’ve been the spineless man he truly is and just tell immediately. The stress of not knowing when this would happen was not worth the knee pain, the mental stress, the crying. None of it! Bet he was smug as fuck when he went and told your secret. Bet it spilled out of his pink lips like sand. Bet he shrugged then sauntered off, still dressed like death. Bet he’s proud of himself. Bet he’s patting himself on the back. Bet he’ll never think about you again, the woman who darkened his doorstep. The woman who bugged his peace and quiet. Bet Min Yoongi was happy that it turned out this way. You wanted to scream. You wanted to run up on that locked up studio and fight him. You wanted to black out and wake up with his blood all over you. Well maybe not that far. The more you think of it, the more you start to calm down. Barely. You try to think of the positives of the situation. Perhaps, he’s done you a favor. No more lying about how bad you wanted to be there. No need for dance classes, singing lessons. None of the stuff that kept you away from your goal. Instead of a thrashing that he did not deserve, if you were being honest, he probably should get a medal. He was doing the company good. He was taking the weak link and pushing it out. You wondered if there’d be a feast in his honor with tons of lamb skewers. You groan and put your head in your hands. You still couldn’t believe that you were sitting outside of Bang PD’s office, waiting for the guillotine to drop. You spent all morning placing the pieces of your new life in bags, luggage. It felt strange compartmentalizing, trying to figure out what was important and what wasn’t. Posters, pictures, notebooks all tucked away ready to disappear from the country forever. You wondered how Yoonsook would feel about her new roommate. Part of you was jealous that she would come home to someone else. Sookie…you pout, crossing your arms over your chest. The note you left on her bed would freak her out. At first, she would think it was a joke, but then when would inevitably open your bedroom door and see all of your things tucked away so nicely she’d realize it was real. You wonder if she’d text you or if she’d run all the way to campus. You crossed her legs trying not to huff so much. Every noise or movement you made his secretary would look up from her computer and give you a sad smile. She knows. Everyone must know. Tae comes to mind. The conversation that you first had with him. Would he also have that look of disappointment when he finds out that you don’t want to be here? Why!? Why did you have to say all of that? Why couldn’t you just push down your feelings like you always do and release them in a healthier way! Suddenly, Hoseok’s face comes to you. And his curse. Fight for it. He must’ve known from the jump. Maybe he’s psychic why else would he say those words to you. You grunt out loud and let your head thump against the wall hard. “I’m sorry about the wait. He should be free in a few.” The secretary says, quietly. She gives you another sad smile. You figured you’d be seeing a lot of those sad smiles from tons of people from now on. Anytime you started to tell about your fantastic adventure and you get to the part about BigHit their eyes would get wide. Then you’d talk about how you were fired and there the sad smile would be. Tight lipped, solemn eyes, their hands around you as they apologize wordlessly. Pity. It made you want to spit. Would your mom give you a pity smile? Would she tuck you into her arms and kiss your forehead welcoming you home? What would Kevin say? Or Marina. Would the two of you eat ice cream on the couch and commiserate together? Would you have to get a job and spend out the rest of your days telling people of your glory times in Korea? Would you be like that football coach from your old high school that would tell how he was drafted to an NFL team and released in one week? The thought made you wanted to gouge your eyes out. You didn’t want to be so sad. You didn’t want people to walk up to you and see how this broke you. Fight for it. The curse forces you to open up your eyes. Fight for it. You bounce in irritation refusing to look at the secretary. There was a chance for you, possibly. That saying came to mind. Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it not the end. You could tell Bang PD that you were just having a bad day. That you didn’t mean it and being a trainee at BigHit was the greatest honor that you’d ever experience. Or you could just let go. If you had a chance to speak for yourself, hell…even if you didn’t have a chance to speak for yourself you would try something…anything. You’d offer your services to make music. You’d talk about your passion for music making. You’d convince him to give you another chance, another shot. You’d fight for it. Bang PD’s door opened as ‘Stacy’ walked out. Her pale face was covered with tears. Her opaque eyes connected with yours. She covered her face with the crook of her arm, letting out a loud sob before running out of the place. Your stomach dropped. That was not a good sign. Maybe there was a specific day that people are kicked out. Maybe today was that day, you couldn’t stop your teeth from chattering. The secretary picked up the phone and muttered something into it looking over at you. She gave you a bright smile, something you haven’t seen from her the whole time you were sitting here, before instructing you to go in the office. You push yourself up slowly and walk to your doom. You were standing at the edge of the plank ready to be pushed off. Bang PD’s office was a lot like a principal’s office. His desk was in the middle of the room, with a matching shelving unit behind it. Pictures of BTS, Homme, GLAM…all of the past artists of BigHit were around the space in various locations. The RCAA Gold records hung up on the wall. It was nice. It was also the last time you were going to see these things, so you soaked it in. The man himself was different than you expected. He was seated, typing something quickly on the computer. He looked up at you and gave you a kind smile before pushing his glasses up. “I apologize about the wait. Please have a seat.” You sit down, crossing your legs again tapping your fingers against the arm rests of the plushy black leather chair. He finished whatever he was doing and turns to you completely, before putting his hand under his round chin. The ticking of a clock was the only thing that you heard, aside from the pounding in your chest. This was it. Your end. Good bye K-Pop. Good bye Korea. Good bye future producing studio. He cleared his throat before speaking again, “How are you doing, Y/N?” “Fine, Bang PD-nim.” You blurt out, squeezing the arm rests hard. You let go quickly not wanting your nails to puncture the expensive fabric. He nods once before standing up and walking around his desk. He sits on top of it, his little legs kicking. You wanted to snort but you were far too worried about the words that would leave his mouth at any moment. He continued to smile at you. “You know.” He paused to pull on his earlobe in a scratching manor, “I wasn’t there for your audition, but I did see it. It’s not every day someone auditions with their back to the panel.” You don’t say anything. You just watch. “It was different. You had spunk. I liked that.” “Thank you, Bang PD-nim.” You mumbled, embarrassed at the complement. You knew where this was going. He gives you a complement, he fires you, then he complements you again. Just to make sure you wouldn’t do anything rash like kill yourself. He crossed his legs and held his knees. “You remind me a little bit of Yoongi when he first came here. He didn’t want to dance, didn’t want to much of anything. Just wanted to rap and eat. You came here with no dance skills yourself. If you end up debuting, I’ll think I’ll call you Candy or Caramel.” You frowned at the comparison and at the terrible stage names. The last one was a little too on the nose for your complexion. You blinked at him, trying to figure out why he was teasing you with the idea of debuting and stage names if he was going to fire you. “Calling a black women Caramel on a grand stage is a little offensive. And I’m not sweet enough to be called Candy.” You say, your voice hard. If you were going to go you might as well be honest. He let out a loud laugh shaking his head. “Of course, it is! My mistake. Just a thought. We have time for it. I really called you in because I heard how hard you were working in your dance class, to the point where you ended up hurting yourself.” He gestured to your injury. “I just want you to know that we see how hard you are working, just don’t end up losing yourself to it. Rest, take a break. Make friends with your other trainees.” What was happening! Were you not being fired? You lean closer to him trying to keep your face as neutral as possible, but you could tell from how big your eyes were you probably looked insane. His lips kept moving but you couldn’t hear anything he was saying. It was like you were under water and could only read his lips. It looked like he was saying how important you are to the company. Your lips part as your eyes narrow, scooting yourself to the front of the chair. He starts talking with his hands about the future of company and you just simply can’t follow. Suddenly, he points at you and you sit up straight. “I believe in you, Y/N. You are everything that I want BigHit to be.” What? What in the fucking world was he talking about, “K-Pop is not for just for Koreans. It never was. It’s a global sensation. If you debut you will be an inspiration for the world. Anyone can be an idol as long as they have the hard work, tenacity, and talent for it. I’m proud of you. I just wanted to bring you in to tell you that I, and others, are keeping a close eye on you and if you need anything to make yourself more successful let us know.” “Yes…Bang PD-nim.” You say slowly, still very confused as to what the hell was going on. He shifts gears quickly and asks if you’re adjusting to Korean life…if you like your roommate. If you are being treated fairly by your peers. You answer them all honestly, to the best of your ability just dumbfounded by this whole situation. He tells you to keep fighting and dismisses you. You walk out of the office slowly, as if you are in sludge. You were not being fired. You were not being let go at all. He didn’t know anything! You were so confused. You gave a small wave to the secretary before walking out into the hallway. You pressed your back against the wall holding your hand to your heart feeling it pounding. You were so stressed out about this meeting and not having a future here, you didn’t really know what to do next. The dorm! Pushing yourself off the wall you think that you could make it home in time to take the paper off Yoonsook’s bed. That way she’d never have to know, not be scared. You wince as your knee reminds you of the pace that you have to go. You take small labored steps your fingers going in your hair, rubbing the smooth new growth on your scalp. This was not what was supposed to happen, but you can’t help but feel elated about the turn of events. Still a trainee. You want to scream with joy but instead bite your bottom lip while smirking. One of the employees walked by you and you wanted to reach out to say I’m not being fired. You couldn’t fight the pep in your step or the hum on your tongue if you wanted too. All was right with the world. You were staying. You were still going to be a trainee. You were…cold hit you hard. You forgot that not all was right with the world. You had nobody to teach you studio stuff. Yoongi would never let you come back in that place again, you were sure of it. Probably won’t be able to get Namjoon to teach you either. Tae didn’t look like he knew what was going on in there but maybe he did. There had to be some way to get you back in the studio. Bang PD’s words come to mind that if you needed anything… Shaking your head, you round the corner. It seemed a little sudden to go barging back in his office and demand someone teach you studio stuff. There would be another way. There had to be another way. A sigh escapes your body as you look over, catching eyes with the man who’s been on your mind a lot lately. It was strange to see him outside of his normal sweat attire. You’d die before admitting it, but he looked good in a black suit jacket with matching slacks. The black turtleneck and black rimmed glasses gave him a CEO vibe. It was strange to see him while the sun was out. You pass him without a word before stopping in the middle of the hallway. Min Yoongi did not tell your secret. Part of you wants to apologize for the way you thought about him, but you knew that didn’t make a lot of sense. Why. You wanted to know why he didn’t tell, why he didn’t give up that information. Why you were still here. You turn around slowly and watch him walk off, his gait easy and slow. You needed to know why, and you knew that the man who just walked by you was the only one who could tell you the answers you seek. You press your lips together, shaking your head. Calling out his name would do nothing. He’d either ignore you, stop for pleasantries, or give you a death glare. None of those options will get you what you want. You purse your lips at your only option, hating that you had to do it. You were going to grab Min Yoongi and pull him into an empty room. It sounded like the beginning of a terrible joke, but sadly it was your reality. You turn around to see he hasn’t gotten that far. For a split second, you think that you don’t have to do this…that you’ll be okay not knowing why. You groan knowing that you were lying to yourself. Ignoring the pain in your knee you rush up behind him and grab his arm, dragging him down the hall. “I need to talk to you.” Is all you say quickly, wrinkling your nose. He pulls back a bit, but you hold on to him tighter. There’s an empty conference room up a head. You look both ways before pushing the idol in there and stepping inside yourself. After a small trip he turns around and looks at you like your crazy. He looks at you like that a lot. “What?” He bites, looking down at your hand that was still connected to him. You remove yourself from him before putting it behind your back, embarrassment all over your face. “I’m sorry Suga-seonbae…I just…uh…” You felt a little unsure under his gaze. Truly, you were at a loss for words. You were glad that he couldn’t hear your thoughts, especially the dark thoughts of murder that you wished upon him from earlier. “What do you want, Trainee?” His voice was dark. You grimaced and bowed at him hard. “I’m sorry about bringing you in here, Suga-seonbae. I’m sure you have some place to be but…I just left a meeting with Bang PD-nim.” Yoongi gave you the look of ‘and’ and put his hand on his hip. He sighed and motioned for you to continue. “Well…I was for sure that I was going to be fired today, you know for that stuff I said the other day. Anyway, he didn’t fire me, and I just wanted to know why you didn’t tell him about my…you know…stuff.” You couldn’t bring yourself to say it out loud in the daytime. You couldn’t bring yourself to say it in front of him again. You didn’t want to say stage fright or have to admit again that you didn’t want to be an idol. You said it once. It was enough. Yoongi sighed and closed his eyes. He reached up and played with his dark hair before crossing his arms over his chest. “I didn’t tell anyone because it’s not my information to tell. Everybody has doubts. If someone told my fears and doubts to Bang PD-nim then I probably wouldn’t be here. You have doubts and fears. Deal with them.” Its heavier under his stare now. Like he had peeled away all of your layers and was staring at your core. You didn’t like it, you looked away from him. Out of the corner of you eye you think you see the corner of his lip turn up into a half smile. It disappears quickly. “But aren’t I taking up space from someone who really wants to be here?” Your voice is quiet, fragile. You didn’t want to ask the question but per usual your mouth moved faster than your brain did. “If you don’t want to be here you should’ve told Bang PD-nim, not me. I can’t fire you.”You roll your eyes at him and cross your arms over your chest, mirroring his body language. The two of you looked at each other. Him trying to figure out if you had more to say to take up his time. You trying to figure out if you could really, truly trust him with your precious thoughts. His loyalty would be to his band and his company. You were the random trainee that kept popping up when you were not wanted. But, for some reason, you believed that your secrets were safe with him. “Now…if that is everything, Trainee.” He said making his way to the door. “Yeah. Thank you.” You mumble moving out of his way. Yoongi put his hand on the door and looked at you over his shoulder with a slight smile. This one was real and didn’t disappear. “Lessons are canceled if you miss another one.” His smile grew wider as your jaw dropped. He disappeared into the hallway leaving you alone in the quiet conference room. You sat down in a seat staring at the place that he once stood. You never thought the lessons with him continuing would be a part of the plan. Your thumb found its way to your mouth and you nibbled on the pad, grinning out of your mind. That wonderful genius amazing asshole Min Yoongi did exactly what you thought he was not going to do. He wasn’t a horrible person after all. Right as you got to the dorm, your phone started to blow up. From the amount of the text tones you heard Yoonsook had made it home, found the note and was worried sick. You groaned, wishing that you hadn’t acted so overly dramatic. You pulled your phone out looking at the text message hurricane. |Sookie: What is this note?|Sookie: Are you joking?|Sookie: Oh my God you aren’t joking! All your stuff is packed!!|Sookie: Why aren’t you answering me?|Sookie: ANSWER ME!|Sookie: Y/N! Y/N! ANSWER ME!!|Sookie: (Angry face emoji) (angry face emoji) (angry face emoji)|Sookie: Where are you? I’m coming to find you.|Y/N: Outside the dorm, let me in I forgot my keys As soon as the door opened you were met with an onslaught of questions, yelling. It was a lot. You put your hands on your ears wondering how someone so small could make so much noise. You mentioned that to her, that’s when the pillow attack started. “YAH! My knee!” You hollered, trying to protect yourself from her hard blows. You moved as fast as you could to the couch, hopping on it and putting your hands over your head. “I don’t care!” She cried, hitting you harder as you laid on the couch. “You scared me! You said you were leaving! Now you are back! So, what is it? Are you leaving or are you staying?!” “I’m staying! I’m staying.” You yelled trying to get her to stop. “Oh.” She paused, then hit you one more time on the back hard for emphasis before sitting on your back. “GET OFF!” You howled, trying to turn over or wiggle anything to get her off of her. “Not until you tell me why you thought you were leaving.” She giggled, turning to pull your cheek. You wince shaking your head. “Bang PD-nim called me to his office and I got scared. That’s all.” “OH! You’re silly…” She chuckled before sliding off of you. You took a deep breath turning over holding your ribs. You looked over at her eyeing her up and down. How something that small was that solid you’d never understand. You closed your eyes and giggled a bit. “I’m staying,” You mumble quietly, your heart swells with joy. Yoonsook and you order dinner in for once and eat it on the floor of the apartment. It feels like home. You decide that you’d fight to be here as long as you could. The exhibition was in about a week and you were absolutely sure that you were going to do everything in your power to crush it. You were, after all, chasing your dreams. Stage fright or no stage fright, you had to try harder.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Days pass by without your knowledge. The only reason you remember to do just about anything is because Yoonsook barks at you to take of yourself. In between spending long hours in practice rooms trying to figure out what you were going to sing that was impressive enough to help you make it through exhibitions but comfortable enough you could do it dying AND teaching Yoongi English, your time was being eaten up faster than you could ever imagine. Not to mention watching dance practice with a little piano theory thrown in your day. You caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror on the way out of the bathroom. Your eyes looked sunken in, your skin dry. You couldn’t look less like an idol even if you were trying. Rubbing your eyes, you pull your curls out assessing them in a manner you haven’t in weeks. You really needed to slow the fuck down and do a deep conditioner on your precious mane or it was not going to go well. You shutter thinking about the time when momma made you do an egg hair mask after neglecting your hair. You didn’t listen and washed it out with hot water. You were picking scrambled eggs out of your kinks for days. To make up for the two lessons you bailed on, you asked Yoongi to let you come visit on the weekend. At first, he said no with his deep lazy expression, but with a little persuading, best to be called heavy begging, Yoongi “generously” invited you to his studio on Saturday and Sunday. Not even early hours. Normal people hours. You were so grateful to have your creation time back and not to leave your dorm at such an awful hour that you brought him food on both days. He seemed shocked the first day and bored the next day. Little shit. You were shocked to see how quickly he caught on to your lessons, although you know he wasn’t going in blind just a little rusty. You figured if the two of you kept this pace he’d be fluent in maybe half of a year. Based on the look on his face when talking about channels, patching, studio stuff you may never take the studio test. At the end of your Sunday lesson you looked at him before sighing. “When am I going to be able to take the test.” You looked at him dead in his eyes with that same bored expression you normally get from him. He looked at you before scratching his cheek, then his eyes narrowed on you. “Are you kidding me? It’s only been a week, if that. Do you see me asking when I’m going to be fluent? Brat.” He said with a smirk, starting to reset the booth to his personal specifications. Your eye brows touched your edges in disbelief. The fact that he called you anything besides Trainee was astounding. “But you are getting better at it faster than I thought you would.” “I…is…is that a complement from my seonbae?!” You breathed in overdramatically. You stood up putting your hand on your forehead, “I do declare, Suga-seonbae has a heart.” His eye brows furrowed as he looked at you confused. Maybe Korean with a southern accent didn’t work. You hold your books up to you mouth hiding your smile from him, before giving him a wave, “I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” “Yeah.” He yawned, moving to his chair, his back facing you. He was getting back to work, “Lessons go better when you bring snacks. So, if you could do that again please.” You shook your head at his back before giving him the middle finger. You wanted to say I’m not your little lamb skewer girl, Yoongi! Instead, you left the studio trying to figure out how the hell to get him lamb skewers at two in the morning. When you arrived back at your dorm, Yoonsook was sitting at the table staring at a package. You looked at her with concern when she turned to you with a large grin. “It’s a package. For you.” “Open it.” You commanded walking to your room, tossing your books and papers on the bed. It was as if she used her hands to open the box. When you came back into the kitchen cardboard was everywhere with packing peanuts sprinkled like a light snow. She even had one in her hair. She laughed at you guiltily, before putting her hands behind her back. “I love packages.” Is all she said, as if it was an explanation for her behavior. You gave a short snort before sitting across from her, pulling the box to you. It was a care package! Your family had sent you all of your favorite treats from home. You pulled out Flaming Hot Cheetos, Cheese-its, Sour Patch Kids, and the good ol’ Reeses Buttercups. You were salivating. “It’s all the best snacks from home! Oh my God! Yes! Here – try one.” You giggled, ripping open a bag of flaming hot Cheetos pushing it in her direction. She looked at it blinking, pulling one of the bright red snacks out of the bag. She placed it in her petite mouth before chewing on it. Yoonsook’s eyes lit up then her eyes started watering. “Yah! It’s hot!” She cried pushing herself from the table, fanning her mouth. The dark-haired girl ran to the fridge opening it up, grabbing a water bottle and downing it like it was the only thing that could save her. You were laughing opening at her, only stopping to put a few Cheetos in your mouth then lick off the powder. “Yeah, my bad. I should’ve told you that. My momma knows I’m getting skinny and wants to fatten me up. I love my momma.” Yoonsook just glared at you for a second, before taking her mouth off the water bottle with a satisfied ‘ah’. You munched on another spicy, salty snack just grinning. “This makes me miss home so bad!” “If this makes you miss home, I never want to visit.” You stuck out your tongue at her response. She sat back down, clutching on the bottle like a security blanket. Her other hand started to riffle through the other snacks that weren’t right at the top. Some ranch dressing, hot sauce, homemade cookies, some brand-new notebooks, and pictures of your family. Yoonsook gingerly picked up the pictures and frowned a bit, then turned it to you pointing at your mom. “Who’s that lady?” “My mom.” You say. You watched the confusion on her face intensify, before sighing. “I told you I was adopted right?” Yoonsook nods still not following, “I was adopted by her. She’s my mom.” She nods again but you can tell she’s still not getting it, “My mom is Korean, Sookie. That pale girl with the dark brown hair is Marina and that young boy is my brother Kevin.” “So, is Kevin her biological son?” “Nope. Adopted. We are all adopted.” You said firmly. Yoonsook’s wheels are turning as she looks at the picture again. She puts it back in the box nicely and smiles at you. “Your family is beautiful, Y/N.” It makes you blush. You wave her off and put another hot cheeto in her face with a diabolical grin. “Want another?!” She eeks at your question and backs away, the chair clattering on the hard wood floor. You laugh even harder before putting it in your mouth. You weren’t gonna chase her around the room, your knee was feeling better, but you knew you needed to give it another week or two. Monday comes like lightening. You and Yoongi have a decent lesson, he’s irritated that there are no lamb skewers. You shoot back that there were no places open at that hour, he mentions for you to try harder. Killing him would be wrong, but you still think about it all during your lesson. He’s ruthless when it comes to the next subject, compressors. He doesn’t really explain when you ask him to clarify, he just eyes you up and down before saying ‘I thought you knew this.’ You roll your eyes and wonder why you wanted to do this again. Although you’ve only spent five hours with the man, you are starting to realize that he’s controlled by his mood instead of controlling it. When has he ever been in a good mood around you? He always seems to be in a state of placid irritation. But for some reason he still wanted you to teach English. The more you thought about it the more your head hurt. Or maybe it was his studio lesson. You heard the alarm and waved good bye, collecting your thinks quickly. He hardly ever says anything when you leave. Later that morning dance practice is…well dance practice. Watching the girls was the same as it was last week, a whole lot of bullshit. You wished that one of the girls in the class would just record it and send it to you. It’d be the same effect. Your instructor seems pleased that you are watching so intently, but it was either watch intently or fall asleep where you sat. You yawn watching the time tick away. After lunch, it was time for your voice lesson. As your voice lesson instructor tells you about the exhibition in a few days, it’s really hard for you to fake surprise. You were not an actor and most of the time everyone could read your expression. But here, and now, you were selling your disbelief. The instructor looks at you twice before going through your repertoire book asking what you want to sing for the big event. You knew the answer, but you had to make it seem like it was her idea. At first you suggest something that’s classical, simple even. You suggest an Italian aria, Se Tu Mami. You watch the instructor’s face twist as she shakes her head flipping the page in your collection. You lean against the wall with your arms in your pocket tapping your foot. You hum and suggest another song, a little more hip hop inspired. She rolls her eyes at the idea of Bodak Yellow. She looks through your pages of songs and scolds you because that not even in your book. Then she lands on it. She looks it over and hums the melody before she asks you if you want to sing it. You shrug nonchalantly as your heart could burst. Your instructor asks for you to sing it for her to see how it sounds, and if it would be right for the exhibition. You nod and stand up straight preparing your body to sing. It was a song you’d sung in the car to yourself, in the shower, at home. You were comfortable in it. It was like a second skin to you and it was powerful when sung right. When you weren’t nervous, thinking about the crowd, you could sing it out with the best of them. But the song was treacherous. If you didn’t take a deep enough breath at the start of the run up, you would fail. It was the right song. Power plus technique. Your voice lesson teacher seemed to agree. You spend the rest of the day working on perfecting it, envisioning yourself in front of a crowd. You sound half decent, even while your stomach was doing flip flops while thinking about all of those eyes on you. Tuesday rolls around and the next thing you know, your back in Yoongi’s studio explaining the difference between there, their, and they’re. No student of yours was going to be confused on those three words. If he doesn’t learn anything from your lessons he’d know that! Nothing gets you angrier faster than when people don’t know the difference between ‘there’, ‘their’, and ‘they’re’. You pause to reach in your bag pulling out a treat for him, Sour Patch Kids. His eyes are closed, but you know he’s listening. “Let’s do a short little quiz, Suga-seonbae.” He stretches his neck left and right before taking a deep breath and opening his eyes at you. You hold up the prize at him before standing up, leaning against the counsel. “Answer all of my questions correctly then we can share this bag of candy.” He smacks his lips together and gives you the really face. You purse your lips rolling your eyes at him. “I like meat.” He answered, as if to say that he wasn’t going to do the quiz because the prize was not adequate enough for him. “Then you don’t want the prize then? Okay. Because we are doing this quiz regardless.” He huffed at you and crossed his legs putting his hands behind his head. “Fine!” You grin at him and have the overwhelming urge to pat his head. Yoongi looked like a biter, and not in a good way. “Spell the word that goes in the sentence. What is over blank?” He pauses for a second thinking over the answer. “T-H-E-R-E.” He answered. You nod at him. “Correct. This ball of string belongs to Sam and Janet. This is blank ball of string.” His eyes narrow on you as he started to frown. “There is no ball of string.” He groaned, swinging his arm out in irritation. You rolled your eyes at him and pinched the bridge of nose. “No, Suga-seonbae, its apart of the quiz.” He looked at you sheepishly before scratching the back of his head, embarrassed. “Oh. Uh. Can you repeat the question?” “This ball of string belongs to Sam and Janet. This is blank ball of string.” You watched him ponder the question while rubbing his hands together. He closed his eyes taking a deep breath. “T-H-E-I-R.” He replied. You smiled at him and felt your arm twitch for a high five. You tucked it into your pocket. “Last question, for the candy! Blank going together over blank.” You wiggled your eyebrows at him. You watched his rosy lips mouth the words a few times while his dark eyes watched his hands. He chewed on the words, mulling them over, really taking his time to come up with the answer. “T-H-E-Y-R-E and T-H-E-R-E.” You wink at him and toss him the bag of candy. He caught it easily, as the alarm went off on his phone. Maybe you were starting to learn the feel for thirty minutes as well. You plopped down in the seat next to him, settling in hearing the comforting sounds of a candy bag opening. While tucking one arm under your breasts you put out one hand to receive some of your candy. After a moment a few fall into the palm of your hand before you place them individually in your mouth. You suck on it at first, getting all of the sour flavor off before chewing the sweet gummy candy. The silence is nice. All you needed was a hot cup of coffee and everything would be perfect. You were about to ruin all of that with your next question. “Suga-seonbae?” You start, swiveling your chair over to him. You watched him look over at you, his dark hair falling into his cat-like eyes. He hummed in response. “You know the exhibition is in a few days.” He put another piece of candy in his mouth, wincing at the sour before chewing it again. You continued, “I was wondering. If I could sing for you to practice in front of a semi-crowd.” “A crowd is more than one person, trainee.” Your face fell at his answer. You knew he was probably going to say something like this, but couldn’t he try to be a little bit nicer to you sometimes. Even if you did disrupt his working time and you did bug him a lot and you did irritated him. He still owed you the common human decency. “Where is the nice Suga-seonbae? The one that ARMY gets huh? Can I get him for like 5 minutes?” You cry out, exasperated. You reach out and snatch back your candy, huffing. It took a lot of courage for you to ask to sing for him and like the uncaring asshole he claims not to be he just brushed you off. “You don’t think I’m nice?” Although it was poised as a question, it was said as flat as possible for emphasis. He looked at you before looking around the whole room then back at you. Then he put his arms out as if to say you are in my studio, what more do you want. You waved him off. “I didn’t mean it like that. Of course, you are…nice…but can you just…I donno…I would really appreciate it if I could sing for you. It’ll help me with the…you know…” “Stage fright.” He pointed out, putting his hand out gesturing for the candy back. You placed another one in your mouth before handing him the bag. “Look. You don’t have to teach me today. I’ll sing and then leave. Deal?” He sighed and closed his eyes leaning back in the chair, pulling his beanie down low. You stood up and took a deep breath, closing your eyes so tight you started to see stars. “S..st…st..stone…c..cold….” Even singing for one person, you could barely get anything out. It was all squeezes, stutters, false starts. You sounded like a busted car. You couldn’t even get through the first verse before opening your eyes looking at the floor. “Well, guess these lessons are gonna end soon because that was crap, Trainee.” He yawned, stretching out, crossing his arms over his chest. You glared at him, “Clearly, I made a wrong choice in picking you.” “You did what now?” You couldn’t breathe. What did he mean that he made a wrong choice in picking you? He opened one eye and frowned at you. “Picking you to teach studio, what did you think I meant.” “You didn’t pick me as much as I asked.” You mumble taking a deep breath. He shrugged and sat up quickly patting his knees twice. “Alright. You tried to sing. Get out.” He was being cruel, it made you angry. Even though you knew he was right, it was crap and he was not a crowd he could at least try to sympathize with what you were feeling. Your hands ball into fists as your eyes narrow on him, your anger bubbling up. “Wait!” You mutter, quietly. “Can you please play D flat?” He rolls his eyes at you and walks over to his keyboard playing it quickly. It was enough to get the notes right in your head. You’d show him. These lessons were just beginning, Min Yoongi. You’d show him that it wasn’t crap. You took a deep breath and the tone was clear. Stone Cold by Demi Lovato was the song that you wished that you had written. It was about heartbreak. It was soulful. It was written in your favorite key to sing. The song was very simplistic, but that’s where your artistry could come in. You sang some of the notes a third above where it should actually sit. You threw in vocal fries and embellishments. But that run up. That run up with power is what made the song soar. You would make the song soar. When you got to the last note, you took a deep breath before grinning. There was a gentle silence that came over the room. You held your breath trying to think about everything you just did in the last few minutes. A deep exhale came out of your body as you stood up straighter and looked at him, trying not to cry. His face was the same, you expected it to be a such but still…you felt proud of yourself. You did it! You can’t believe you did it. You sang the song all the way through for someone other than a mirror. You covered your face and turned from him feeling heat press against your eyes. You didn’t want to cry but you were so fucking proud of yourself. You wished it hadn’t been for Min Yoongi, but it was a step in the right direction. “Do you feel better?” He asked, that same lazy bored tone. You felt a tear drop down, you cleaned it quickly before turning around and grinning at him. You bowed at him deeply. “Yes, Suga-seonbae. And thank you again for letting me sing for you.” “I didn’t rea -” He started. You put your hand up in his face shaking your head. “Don’t ruin the moment.” He gave a slight smirk and nod. You gather your things before heading out of the studio. You were so overly giddy and didn’t care who knew it. The joy you felt permeated to others throughout the day. Your dance instructor commented on your improvement of mood. You even tried to do a little dance, then your knee gave you a kind reminder of the damage you did to it. You smiled at people at the lunch table across from you, even offered your last piece of garlic bread to Yoonsook. She asked if you were feeling okay and if you needed to go to the nurse’s station. You didn’t even give her the middle finger, that’s how pleased you were today. LoFi Hip Hop radio station was playing in your ears on the walk back to campus. There was something soothing about that radio station. You were glad Kevin introduced it to you. Although – that girl on the looping video never did finish her studying. The beat took over as you swayed your hips and hands back and forth, dancing down the street as if nobody was watching. A body roll here, a quick spin there. And that ever present smile on your face. You did another slow spin, making sure to take in your surroundings. When you turned back around in the direction you were supposed to be headed you saw a recognizable face. You stopped suddenly feeling silly for dancing in the street. You hoped the broad-shouldered man didn’t see you dancing your heart out but when you saw him break out into a laugh, you knew you were caught. Tugging your earbud out, his laughter hit your eardrum. The same deep base that you liked from before. “Well, you caught me Jin-seonbae.” “My apologies.” He started, trying to hold his laughter in, “You just look very funny dancing and hobbling around at the same time.” “I can imagine.” You replied with a slight laugh. For some reason you didn’t feel embarrassment. “You seem to be in a better mood than when I saw you last, Y/N-ssi” Jin spoke, pushing up his glasses walking to you. You nodded and shrugged at him. “Yeah. I am. Thanks for noticing. That’s kind of you.” He smiled at you before putting his hand to his chest. The two of you stood there just looking at each other. Rocking back and forth on your feet you waited for him to say or do anything, but it was more silence. You licked your lips before speaking up again, “Well. Thank you again.” You bowed him, before starting to walk around him. “Wait. Uh. I still feel bad for telling you about the exhibition before you were supposed to know…would you like to come over to our dorm for some tea?” He suggested as you raised an eyebrow at him. Shaking your head, you give him another smile. “Oh, thank you for the offer, Jin-seonbae, but I uh…” You rack your brain trying to find a nice way to get out of this. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to go over to the dorm…wait…you didn’t want to go over to the dorm. You were not one of those hubae’s that wanted to get all up in the idol’s business and be their friends. You were happy with the separation and wanted to keep it that way. Being invited to their house was a terrible apology gift. Why couldn’t Jin be like everybody else and offer you some type of cookie, cakes or something. Tea. At the Bangtan Boys dorm. That was a hard pass from you. “I uh…don’t want to bother you and the other seonbaes. I know you are very busy and are working hard for the comeback.” “Yah…” he started, “Stop it. I invited you. Please.” The way he says please moves you slightly and you are in a good mood today anyway. You eye him up and down, which makes his skin flush. “Wouldn’t you rather go get tea at the café?” You offer up as an alternative. He gives another chuckle and rubs the back of his neck. “As much as I love the café, some ARMY have figured out that’s where we like to visit sometimes. It makes going there a bit more complicated.” “Tae is never gonna get his favorite cake again?!” You whined, more concerned about that than anything else Jin was saying. The older man laughed at your response and smiled at you. “I wouldn’t say never, just maybe not as often as he would like. If you want…we could stop there on the way to the dorm and get him a slice.” He said, trying to convince you to go with him. If this was another type of person, his offer would seem nefarious. But, Jin didn’t have an evil bone in his body. You nod at him and shrug. You guess you are going to your seonbae’s dorm. You don’t know if you should be ecstatic or nervous about it. You suppose if Jin seems calm about the whole thing…you would be too. And plus, you never turn down free tea.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The tall idol took you this roundabout way to get to their dorm. You figured it was roundabout because nobody would ever take this many back alleys to get to their house, nor a back entrance. It was so dizzying that even if you had tried to remember how to get to the secret entrance you wouldn’t be able too. You desperately want to ask if this is the way their girlfriends or boyfriends enter in and out without being seen. Then you want to make a Dora the Explora joke because damn you needed a map to help you find your way back home. It astounded you how he effortlessly he made his way. Then you realized, he had shown someone this way many times before. Once you finally made it to their humble abode you saw how opposite their dorm was to that word. The sheer size of their dorm was out of control. When Jin was talking about it on the way here, he was downplaying its size completely. You were overwhelmed by its magnitude. The place was beautiful decorated, a gentle masculinity if you had to name it. The living room was large, with plush couches and chairs. It was very warm for a place to be inhabited by men. You stood right next to Jin, following him around trying not to look at everything like when you went to Yoongi’s studio. “Living room…” He said, motioning to the space. He walked ahead of you turning the corner. You had to quicken your steps a bit to keep up with his long strides. Their walls were covered in beautiful artwork. It was a lot more adult than the dorm you were thinking it was going to be. He gestured to the dining room table that sat across the way from the living room. It didn’t look like it got a lot of use. Jin guided you into a beautiful kitchen, with black cabinets and white marble countertops. You stood there gawking at its beautiful potentially reconsidering the whole not wanting to debut thing. “What kind of tea would you like? We have green tea, herbal tea, white tea, black tea…” He started naming them off without looking in any of the cabinets. You were reminded of that scene in Scott Pilgrim where the girl rattled off the titles. Somehow you managed to stifle down your laughter. He looked at you expectantly. “How about some herbal tea?” You say with a smirk. You look at the large island in the kitchen with the comfy looking bar stools. “Do you mind if I have a seat?” “Of course not, Y/N-ssi.” He beamed before moving around the kitchen with precision. While he was starting the kettle, his other hand was opening the cabinet, before using his long arms to look for the tea. You raised an eyebrow in surprised that he was that coordinated. Usually, guys that tall and lanky could barely walk and talk at the same time. Here he was getting the tea started and looking for it in the cupboards. His hand hit the bottom of the cabinet a few times before he tore his eyes away, looking at it with such despair. He opened another one, pulling things out groaning. “Is everything alright, Jin-seonbae?” “They never put anything back where it’s supposed to go. The tea is supposed to be here! Every week we talk about keeping the kitchen organized and then the next day I can’t find what I’m looking for.” He growled, putting his head in his hands. You couldn’t stop your laughter. Your body shook with joy as you looked at his disappointment. He looked at you from between his fingers and sighed, “I’m glad you think this is funny.” “Oh, it’s hysterical. It’s just tea. If you can’t find the herbal than I’ll take what ya got. If you can’t find the tea, then water in a clean glass is cool. I’m easy.” “That’s not the point!” He cringed throwing his hands in the air. “Last time I couldn’t find the soy sauce. This time I can’t find the tea. What if I can’t find the whole kitchen next time?” “That seems dramatic.” You said flatly, a large smirk still on your face. You got up and walked over to him, the height difference between the two of you almost like a comedy. Standing on your tippy toes you start to open up cabinets, looking in as much as you could before sighing. “Do you have a stepstool or something? This was not designed for a short person in mind.” “Yah, stop it. I’ll find it. I’m just irritated.” He grumbled, his hip leaning against the countertop his arms crossed over his chest. You shrug and walk back to your seat. You tried. The tall idol put his finger against his puffy bottom lip before looking around the kitchen. Part of you wanted to ask if you could explore while he was looking for the missing tea. You wanted to know what all of their rooms looked like, if the style was tailored for their individuality…did they get to pick out the furniture. You were being nosy. You pondered if Yoongi’s door had a padlock, a numerical password, and another doormat telling people to go away. It would be typical. Tae’s room probably was open all the time with music coming out of it and crumbs of cake all over his desk. Namjoon’s room was an enigma to you, which made you wanted to check it out more. There was a crash of pots and pans. You looked at Jin as he was tossing things left and right. He littered with random snacks, utensils, and other items as he was lsearching for the tea. He’s yelling and speaking so quickly that you cover your mouth trying not to laugh at him again. You move so your seated on your knees to peer over the island at the amount of stuff everywhere. There are five boxes of tea on the counter – none of them herbal. He huffs and puts his fingers through his dark hair then gives you a sad smile. “I couldn’t find the herbal, we must be out – but what about these?” “Green tea sounds lovely.” You chuckle, before tucking your arms over your chest. Jin moved less than gracefully, tripping over all of the items that were on the floor. You winced reaching out, not wanting him to fall and hurt himself. For a moment you were glad that you decided to come over to your seonbae's house. This was too funny to miss. He grabbed two cups and started to make the hot drink. Once the tea was steeped, Jin moved you two from the kitchen to the living room. Their couch felt like the softest, nicest sofa you had ever had the privilege of putting your behind on. You wanted to marry this couch. Or at least find out where they got it, so you could get the same one. The tea was warm in your hands, you stared into the deep green liquid. It wasn’t coffee, but it was the second-best thing. “How are you doing, Y/N-ssi?” “Fine. Are we not past pleasantries?” You respond, taking a sip of your tea. The warm liquid coats your mouth making you blissful. “Only because I saw you tear apart the kitchen and swear at the top of your lungs. Fine form by the way.” “I’m really glad you were there to witness that.” He muttered, sarcasm all throughout his voice. You snickered and crossed your legs. “Me too.” You watched him take a sip through your eyelashes, humming to yourself. This place was peaceful. “I have been wondering,” He started. You smiled at him to continue, “if you don’t mind me asking, how did you learn Korean?” Another sip of the warm liquid hits your tongue before you place the cup down on the coaster. You rub off the non-existent dust from your thighs before grinning. “My momma taught me when she adopted me.” “Oh…I’..I’m sorry…” He stuttered. You beamed wider waving off his embarrassment. You were used to this type of reaction when talking about your family, the ragtag team. “There’s nothing to be sorry about. Who knows where I’d be without my momma.” You reached into your pocket grabbing your phone, wanting to show her off to him. You unlocked your phone and turned it around letting him see your background of your family, momma in the center. Jin took the phone from your hand gingerly and glanced at you then glanced at your family. A smile appeared on his face as he handed it back. “Your family is beautiful!” He commented. You at him then looked at the picture. “That’s what everyone keeps telling me. Actually, she grew up here in Seoul…if I have a free day I think I’m going try to find the house where she grew up in.” Talking with Jin is just as relaxing as you thought it would be. He has a nurturing spirit. You couldn’t help but laugh at his facial expressions when his eyes would get too big for his face or when his lips would pucker. But your favorite expression is when he talked about the other boys like he was a proud father. There was a serious nature about it, but you could tell if it came down to it he’d do anything for them. You thought they were all close like this but seeing him talk about them without another one around confirmed it for you. It made you happy to see the people that they presented to be were the people they actually were. “But enough about me…” He started, pulling you from your kind thoughts, “What about you? What made you want to move all the way to Korea and become a trainee?” “I love K-Pop.” You spoke before taking another sip of your tea, “My family and I were going through a rough patch when I was 10 years old and K-Pop helped me get through it. I’d spend hoursssss listening to BigBang, Super Junior, Wonder Girls, Shinee…there was something about the colors of the videos, the precision of the moves and how happy it made anyone who listened to it that drove me to want to…be a part of this world.” Jin grinned at you, putting his hands under his chin.You were slightly irritated with yourself for using an overplayed Disney lyric, but that was how you felt. This world of K-Pop was so beautiful and amazing and interesting, and it had to be protected at all costs. You felt a little bit like a superhero, the protector of K-Pop. You also understood the irony of an African-American woman trying to protect K-Pop but you ignore it. “Passion! There is so much passion!” He paused, “Its hard being away from our family’s I can’t imagine how much you miss yours.”“I do. But I mean…family is always with you right? And technology exists so as long as I’m not a totally forgetful loser I can talk to them whenever.” His laugh fills up the apartment and for a moment you wonder what it would be like to be there when they are all sitting around laughing, goofing off. You smile at him wider, “Jin-seonbae, I’m obsessed with your laugh.” “What?” He stammered a flush coming to his cheeks. “I’m obsessed with your laugh. The first time I heard it I wanted to record it. Do you mind if I record your laugh and put it on a track I’m working on? I promise to credit you.” You start to reach into your pockets without waiting for an answer. “Wait! What? No!” He grimaced, scooting back into the couch. You looked up at him with confusion, holding your phone out ready to press the record button. “What do you mean no? Your laugh is great! Please Jin-seonbae, I’d be eternally grateful.” You give a slight bow, trying to will him to giving you the precious laugh. You would lower it a few decibels and slow it down. It wouldn’t even sound like his laugh anymore after you fixed it up. “Yah! Why my laugh. And why a laugh at all?” “I’m not sure…there’s just something about your laugh that makes me happy and I hope that I can use those feelings in this song I’m creating.” He frowned harder at you before looking away. His long fingers rubbed his chin as he sighed, shaking his head. His eyes shifted over to you before his lips parted giving you the fakest laugh you’d ever heard in your entire life. It sounded like the honk of a horn. Three honks then he closed his mouth. You pursed your lips at him and rolled your eyes. You would just have to figure out another way to get his laugh. The track wouldn’t be complete without it. Maybe you’d be able to pull it from a video or two online, but then it wouldn’t be the pure source. You’d have to audio mix it and tighten it up and while you were good, you weren’t that good. If only you had access to a studio. You frowned harder. His laughter filled the room again. You looked up quickly and pressed record, which made him laugh even harder. His hands darted out as he tried to take the device from you, but you scooted back just slightly out of his reach. Just a few more seconds and then you’d have what you needed. “I..t..ti…tried ..no..not…to la..lau..laugh, b..bu..bu..but y..yo..you..your fa..fac..fface!” He managed to get out while laughing. You tucked your bottom lip in your mouth but then laughter tumbled out of your lips. The two of you laughed together over nothing until your stomachs hurt. He laid back against the arm of the chair while you were curled into a little ball on the sofa, tears streaming from both of your faces. Once the amusement died down a bit he sniffled sitting is head up, cleaning his face with his sleeve. He said that you were weird. You beamed at his complement. Jin pushed him-self off the couch and asked if wanted some more tea. You accepted of course, not wanting to go back to your dorm just yet. His company was something you didn’t realize that you would enjoy so much. He disappeared around the corner to the kitchen with both of your empty cups. You look down at your phone making sure to save your precious laughter file and make a note to upload it as soon as you get home. You already could hear the song in your head. A beautiful love song with Jin’s laughter as the base. You were absolutely giddy. Rubbing your hands together you started to sway to the beat of the song in your head. It was a little more EDM inspired than some of your other works lately, but you just followed what your brain told you to do. It hasn’t set you down a wrong path…yet? There was the sound of a front door being unlocked and suddenly you felt like an intruder, especially with Jin not sitting right there being able to explain why you were there. You turned around swallowing watching the door open. You questioned why you were always in these situations where you felt like you needed to hide. Three people spilled in through the dorm frame. A visual, a golden mankae, and a clumsy dancer. The manake line. Tae’s eyes found yours and he put his hands in the air running over to you on the couch. He didn’t ask why you were there or wonder how you get in there, he was just happy to see you. Then he jumped on top of you, smooshing you into the couch. “YAH!” You screamed, tapping his sides trying to get him off of you. “Y/N-SSI! How are you?” He exclaimed pulling you up with him. You never thought he was weak, but you didn’t think he was strong enough to basically drag you around like a rag doll. With your face shoved into his chest you couldn’t even look at the other two for help, you just smelled his Gucci cologne and saw his white shirt. You hit his side again, trying to pull away. “I need to breath, Tae.” You muttered into his chest. He laughed taking a step back that big smile on his face. “I’ve been so busy I haven’t been able to see you and I was just talking about you to Jiminie and Kookie!” He said turning to the two boys. Jimin and Jungkook stood off to the side watching the interaction like two scientists. You waved at them before bowing. “Hello Jimin-seonbae and Jungkook-seonbae. I’m Y/N. It’s a pleasure to meet you officially.” “Meet you officially? You sound so formal. Stop it.” Tae said, grabbing your hand and pulling you over to them. Awkwardness is something you feel like you should be used to by now, but yet it’s always a new sensation when it happens again. You felt so damn awkward standing there. Jimin was looking at you with a sweet kind smile but Kookie was looking at you with big eyes. Mostly from the reaction that Tae had to you, but you still hated it. “You are the trainee that I keep hearing about, right? The one who didn’t wait to be called on in the first day meeting?” Jimin said, putting his fingers through his hair. You nod at him and want to kick yourself for being so brazen on the first day. You wondered when people would stop bringing it up to you. Probably never. “Hobi-hyung mentioned that you helped him out the other day at the nurse’s station. He was very thankful. Thank you for helping hyung.” Jungkook said, his face now relaxed. You covered your mouth making it look like you were being adorable and sweet, but you were really just trying to keep the curse words from falling out. Is there a daily progress report about you or something in this dorm? Like what is it with them? Shouldn’t they be talking about Combacks, and MVs, and all that other shit. You should be the last thing on their mind. “It was nothing.” You offer up. You look at your phone and try to think of an excuse to leave the dorm. “Do you mind telling Jin-seonbae...” “Tell me what?” The eldest idol commented walking back in the room with tea. You looked over your shoulder and saw that he had five cups now. He must’ve heard them come back. They were very loud. “Tell you that…uh…um…” You stuttered before sighing, “Nothing.” You were already on the roller coaster, what was a few more loops gonna hurt. Tae hopped over and found himself a comfy spot on the couch. Looking over at him you simply give a slight head shake and sit down. “Well, are you going to get tea or not?” Jin asked the other two. The dancers looked at each other, giving each other a look before walking over. Perhaps the two of them spoke in slight glances and secret languages. Jungkook made his way over to the living room first grabbing a cup and handing it to Jimin before getting his own. “Thank you, Hyung.” He said to Jin. The elder grinned widely before sitting next to you. It felt like you were in the middle of something you shouldn’t be. Tae and Jin were comfortable, the other two not so much. They kept looking to you as if they wanted to ask something then looking at each other, speaking in unspoken glances sitting on the floor. You took a big gulp of the tea. The scalding liquid hit your tongue as you swallowed it. Your tongue was on fire! You stuck it out and started to wave it, the stinging of tears hitting your eyes. The tea was way too hot to take that much in your mouth. You released a string of curse words in English, the stinging rushing through your system every time your tongue touched the roof of your mouth. Then you heard laughter. The boys were besides themselves. Jungkook was leaning against Jimin covering his face and Jimin’s whole face had disappeared into his hands. With your tongue sticking out of your mouth, the laughter was a nice change from the weirdness that just happened moments before. “Be careful.” Tae said, taking your tea cup away from you as if it was a dangerous weapon. You gave him the flattest face possible while continuing to blow air over your tongue. You put the throbbing muscle back in your mouth, chuckling to yourself. It was sort of funny, even if you didn’t want to admit that out loud. “Yah, don’t be mean to Y/N-ah.” Jungkook stressed the ah on your name, as if it was the best thing he said all day. You raised an eyebrow at him and smirked. Yes, you were their younger. Although, it felt like you were older than them by miles. “Oh, that’s nice.” Jin chortled. “He’s been dying to be older than someone.” “Glad I could help you achieve that dream, Jungkook-seonbae.” You said as dry as burnt toast. As dry as sand. “You can call me Jungkook-oppa.” The golden manake grinned mischievously. You looked over at Jin for a clue on what to do. You really wanted to give him a middle finger and say I’m not fucking calling you oppa. You hated the term. You hated how fetishized it became for non-Korean speaking individuals. Oppa this. Oppa that. It made you cringe. You opened your mouth to start to form his name with the new ending and wrinkled your nose at the thought. As much as you wanted to make sure you respected your seonbaes…that was a line you would not cross. “I think, until I get to know you better…if I get to know you better, I’ll stick to Jungkook-seonbae. I apologize if that disappoints you.” “Ha. Ha! She doesn’t like you as much as she likes me. She called me TaeTae immediately.” Tae bragged throwing his arm around your shoulder. You looked at Tae and sighed. Jungkook rolled his eyes and sighed with a smile still on his face as you shrugged Tae off. “Okay. But as soon as we get to know each other better you have to call me Jungkook-oppa.” You feel yourself nod in agreement before you really had a chance to think about what he said. He beamed wider and you found yourself looking at Jimin who had been quiet during the whole oppa talk, staring aimlessly into his tea. He was such a small thing, even though he and Yoongi looked to be the same height, but there was something about his spirt that made him seem even tinier. As if he drew himself all the way and wanted to be hidden. It made you sad. This was not the Jimin you were expecting and something in you wanted to change that. You sighed, crossing your legs. You couldn’t believe you were about to say this. “Jimin-seonbae,” You found yourself starting, “Can I tell you a secret if you don’t mind me being so bold.” He sat up and smiled at you sweetly. They were all looking at you, confused as to the sudden shift of topics. “Of course.” “I hate dancing.” Your bottom lip found its way on to your teeth and pressed against them. “But – when I get discouraged I watch videos of you dancing because to me the way you move is so breath taking.” There. It was out in the universe. You couldn’t take back what you said to him, but if he believed you or not it didn’t matter. The words were true. As you said them to him you watched his gentle face get bright as if the words were a magic spell. You swallowed hard, reaching out for your tea taking a few sips looking away from him. You felt like you just confessed your love for him. You took another sip, wishing the cup was endless so you didn’t have to speak anymore for the rest of this weird moment. “That is really kind of you.” He started, before standing up about as gracefully as only he could. He stepped over Jungkook to get to you, before crouching down and putting his hands around yours. The warmth from the tea was nice but the warmth from his hands was better. You looked at him blankly, trying not to stare too deep into the sun. Then his eyes started to water as he smiled brighter. “Are you crying?” You asked softly, then looked over to his bandmates. Jungkook shrugged before hopping off, patting Jimin’s back. He looked up at you and squeezed your hand once more before finding his way back to Jungkook’s side, still cleaning his tears. “Kookie might be the youngest, Jimin is defiantly the resident cry baby.” Jin said, lightening the serious mood you created. You gave a tight laugh looking back over at the young man. Even though the atmosphere was way too serious because of what you said to him, he was bright now. You’d take it. “Well in that case. Jimin-seonbae, do you mind if I call you Jimin-oppa?” You snickered, waiting for the meltdown that was coming. Jungkook’s eyes bugged out of his head as he stood up quickly pointing at you. “Wha…wh..what! That’s not fair!” He howled. You looked at him innocently and blinked a few times. “What do you mean. Tae-oppa, Jin-oppa…can you explain to me what he means…” Jungkook looked like he was choking on air. You couldn’t hold up the act anymore and started laughing shaking one of your hands out at him. “I’m just kidding!” You howled, giggling at his face. It was too precious. The youngest idol in the room waved you off before sitting down unable to hide his bright smile. There, the mood in the room was light. Just what you wanted. The conversation switched faster than you were prepared for. To topics of dance rehearsals and recording sessions. Things your trainee ears really shouldn’t be privy too, but Tae couldn’t care less about your stature. He talked freely and quickly with his brothers, and they spoke the same way. The only time anyone seemed to care is when Jungkook started to sing a line or two. Jin and Tae put their hands on your ears, which made you laugh. You had to promise over and over again that you wouldn’t go around singing that one line. You scoffed, like you go around singing in public. “Where’s your phone?” Tae enquired quickly, reaching over to you. You pushed his hands away and scooted back, frowning hard. “In my pocket. Why.” “Because we are now friends. Officially. And friends have each other’s numbers. Especially because I know you are going to be debuting…” Again, you look to Jin for some type of confirmation, anything. The eldest one in the room simply stood up and gathered the finished tea walking to the kitchen. You sighed and pulled your phone out handing it to him. It seemed like everyone was rooting for you to debut but you. As Tae was in putting his number you heard footsteps coming from down the hall. You smiled excited to see Jin coming back and hoping he either had more tea or some snacks, you had been here for a while and were getting a little hungry. Out pops a dark-haired idol, but it was not Jin. Your face fell seeing Namjoon. He hadn’t noticed you yet, his head deep into his phone as he scrolled up. “Why are you guys being – “ The leader started before looking up and at you. His eyes narrowed, and he turned around quickly heading back down the hallway. You looked at Tae horrified. He looked unconcerned. “Should I be worried…” You asked the room. Jimin laughed and shook his head. “Of course not. He probably just forgot something.” He responded. You didn’t feel like he forgot anything, not with the way his eyes narrowed on you. It wasn’t a negative feeling you got from him…a more like, what the hell are you doing here feeling. Which is something you’ve been trying to figure out since you got invited to tea. There was suddenly a heavy feeling in your lap. When you looked down you realized that Tae handed you back your phone, a text message chain already starting between the two of you. The footsteps were heavier, quicker this time as Namjoon came back into the living room. The only thing that was different was that he was wearing a hoodie instead of the tank top he had on before he came out. He sat down next to Jimin still giving you those eyes. You swallowed wishing that you had tea or something, you didn’t like the way he was looking at you. “Hello, Y/N-ssi.” “Y/N-ah.” Jungkook playfully corrected. Namjoon chuckled a bit before softening. “As I was saying, Hello, Y/N-ah…why are you here?” You sat back in the couch, crossing your arms over your chest sighing. You didn’t do anything wrong, but you felt a lot like you were in the principal’s office. Every time talking to Namjoon made you feel uncomfortable. You cleared your throat before trying to find a little courage. “Jin-seonbae invited me over to tea. Then Jimin-seonbae, Tae-seonbae, and Jungkook-seonbae showed up.” “Why are you always where you are not supposed to be.” You grimaced when he said this. Did you have a habit of being in unwanted spaces…maybe...but in your defense nobody outright said you couldn’t be there. There was no meeting nor conversation that said that you couldn’t be invited over to tea at their dorm. And if that was in some hidden notebook or handbook, nobody told you. “What do you mean, hyung?” Jungkook asked looking at his leader, then he and Jimin turned to look at me. Prickly…warmth pressed against your cheeks and kissed to the top of your ears as you started to blush. Namjoon put his arm out to you waiting for you to respond and you have no desire too. You could already see Yoongi’s face tomorrow at your lessons…almost seething because this was being brought up again. But it wasn’t your fault! “Oh. I uh. Found my way…into the personal recording studios…and um…fell asleep there.” You muttered, completely embarrassed that you had to lie again. “I’m not always in places I shouldn’t be, and nobody told me I shouldn’t be HERE.” You groan pointing to the boy’s dorm. “I was invited.” “Yeah, Joonie-hyung.” Tae giggled, throwing his arm around you again pulling you in again. Namjoon chuckle turned into a full blow laugh as he hid his smile behind his hand. That was disappointing. If you were going to be ribbed, you deserved to look at his dimples some more. Jin finally walked back into the living room, empty handed. You tried not to roll your eyes feeling your stomach start to get grumbly. That was your cue to leave. No more tea, no more party time. You removed Tae’s arm from your shoulders, patting him gently before starting to remove yourself from the couch. “Well because clearly someone doesn’t want me here…” You give Namjoon some side eye, then you look at the man who invited you here, “I really should be going.” “No! You don’t have to leave yet. You should stay for dinner.” Jimin said with his bright smile. You swallow and give him a kind smile back. “I can’t. Tomorrow’s the exhibition. I gotta rest up.” You respond shrugging at him. It was a lovely reason to leave, especially because it was the truth! “I’m so excited!” Tae shouted, leaning back in the couch. Jungkook nodded and looked over to Namjoon with big proud eyes. “Namjoon-hyung and Yoongi-hyung are going to be a part of the panel tomorrow to help make the decisions for the first time!” The golden idol said nudging his leader. Your eyes shifted over to Namjoon who was sitting there with a mixture of pride and embarrassment on his face. It took all of your focus not to let your face fall or to scream. You just gave a quick laugh and bowed to the boys. “I hope that I do good enough at the exhibition, especially for my seonbaes.” You say. The bullshit that comes out of your mouth sometimes is astounding. You dodge and tiptoe around their continuous offers for dinner, wanting to run away from that dorm as if it was haunted. Might as well be. On your walk home, you just laugh to yourself. Clearly the universe is trying to set you up for failure. Exhibitions, seonbaes…like why it was every time you felt like you were starting to get a grasp on the situation the rules had to change again. The thought of singing in front of that tall dimpled bronze man made you want to gag but the real fear was singing for Yoongi. His blank stare as you can’t find your breath. His feline eyes gazing at you with no care. You let out a loud groan wanting to scream into the sunset. You stop with your hand on the gate to your building wondering why Yoongi didn’t say anything when you sang for him earlier today. You sigh and rub your temples trying to figure out if you should tell Yoonsook. Like she would care, it’ll probably make her perform better knowing that her seonbaes will be judging.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The universe was surely against you. Why else did the same thing keep happening to you? You have a good day then someone tells you bad news. You are a decent person, you know right from wrong, you donate money to the Save the Music Foundation! Yet, just when you feel like you are understanding the rules to the game, someone or something had to change them up. The universe must hate you. That was the only explanation. Otherwise why would Min Yoongi and Kim Namjoon be a part of the judging panel? Why? What purpose do they have to be there – sure, you knew they were going to watch but like don’t they have a comeback to prepare for? Don’t they have anything else to do but judge you? You could already feel the sweat dripping down your back from Namjoon’s sweet warm eyes and Yoongi’s cold unwavering stare. Part of you wants to know if you did something in a past life to deserve all of this horrible karma. You practiced and trained and pretended to sing before a crowd, you just didn’t factor in the two idols that would be scribbling on a piece of paper about your performance. The two of them judging you was worse than one million eyes all over you. You could already see Namjoon’s sad smile when your voice croaked out of your body. Yoongi’s vacant stare as tears started to roll do your face. Literally the universe was setting you up for failure. Perhaps there was a curse put on you when you were a child because nothing really is adding up for you here. The most confusing thing about finding out that your seonbaes were going to judge was why the heck did the moody genius not tell you he was a judge! Especially when you were singing your heart out to him yesterday. He could’ve said, with that lazy tongue of his, ‘no trainee…don’t sing for me because I’ll have an opinion going into my judging tomorrow and I need to remain impartial’. You give side eye to the man sitting next to you. He announced as you walked in the room that he wasn’t in the mood for English today – so you were quiet during your 30 minutes. And try not to freak out on him again. Because nobody deserved that twice in their lifetime. You take a deep breath and think about the way the song is supposed to sound. Positive thoughts and positive energies. Don’t think about anything else but that. Think about you getting up there and singing before your peers and your seonbeas. It’s fine. Everything is fine. Who cares if Min Yoongi and Kim Namjoon were going to judge you later today! That doesn’t matter at all. It’s all good. You are gonna get up there and look at all of your peers and die. Wait. No. Not die. Sing. Maybe sing. Probably pass out and die. Stop. It’s fine. You’re fine. You’re great. It’s only Min Yoongi and Kim Namjoon and everyone at BigHit entertainment so honestly nobody. It’s not like there are international superstars watching you or anything like that. It’s not like if you fuck this up you are back at page one. It’s not like any of those things are going to happen because you have prepared yourself. You are confident that you will fuck this up. As you laugh out loud you push your back against the nice chairs of the Genius Lab. While you were trying to relax and think positively, it didn’t really matter at this point. You knew you were thinking in circles making yourself more confused and more upset. You kept going as if you were trying to fill up his studio with your thoughts. The thoughts were loud, bashing against your skull like waves of despair. Instead of drowning in thoughts you wished you could drown yourself in water or ice cream, mostly water. It would be lovely if your brain would just shut off for a moment. It was hard enough pushing the negative thoughts you have all the time down, but this was a serious case of freak out. You wished there was a mirror close by, so you could see if your face was as crazy as you thought. You want to disappear into yourself. The thought makes you happy. You did not want to participate in this exhibition before and with the new information you’ve been thinking about made it so much worse. But who cares! Who cares if you want to hide inside of yourself and disappear? Can you get a clone of yourself in less than twenty-four hours? You looked over at him again shaking your head as his alarm went off. He stood up walking over to the console getting ready to start his lesson. Before he could say anything you blurt out, “Do you think if I get a clone they’ll also have the same…thoughts as I do?” Yoongi’s deep starry eyes stared at you as he mouthed ‘What?’ You think of a way to make yourself sound less insane, but instead just say the question again, “I said. Do you think if I get a clone…will they also have the same thoughts as I do? Like if I manage to get cloned and the clone is everything as I am now, will they think the same things as I do?” “What does that have to do with anything?” He groaned. Then leaned against the console putting his face in his hands, “I don’t even want to know…but what is wrong with you?” It came out muffled between his fingers. There are two options. Tell the truth and lie. Telling the truth usually makes your mental stress way worse, but that’s normally because it comes out when you’re not asked. He asked you what was wrong. So, if you word vomited all over his studio again…your precious thoughts lying on his floor it was his fault this time. Not yours. He peeks at you between his fingertips, his dark eyes peeling away at you again. You want to tell him to close his eyes, but you could hear his response already. “Why didn’t you tell me that you were going to be a judge for today?” You finally inquire. It felt like you were blowing a big bubble just waiting for it to pop. He rolled his eyes at you and scratched his eyebrow softly. “I thought I heard you yesterday.” Holy shit! He was home yesterday! The vampire actually sleeps. That was more shocking to you than finding out that he was going to judge. Probably because he judges you every time he sees you. His eyes narrow on you and you don’t shrink back, you chuckle to yourself. That makes his eyes narrow harder. “I’m sorry, Suga-seonbae…I was just thinking about you as a vampire.” “What? Actually, I don’t care. I don’t have to tell you anything, trainee.” He mumbled. You nod your head at him, annoyed. You open your mouth to say something when he continues, “I am your seonbae and you are my hubae. We are not friends. This is a service that we both providing each other, once this service is over its over.” “Agreed. One hundred percent. It just would’ve been nice when I asked to sing for you if you had said…” You paused, coughing while tilting your head then scratching your eyebrow trying to nail down your Yoongi imitation. “Trainee. Don’t sing for me because I am judging the exhibition.” “I..I..is that supposed to be your impersonation of me?” He complained his eyes wild with confusion. Knowing that you were headed down the wrong path is the exact reason why you kept up the impersonation. You narrowed your eyes on him before puffing out your cheeks. “Trainee! You should bring me lamb skewers and be better at the console. You’ll never be good at it though, so I don’t know why you try.” “I don’t sound like that.” “I know…there’s a laziness to your tongue that I can’t achieve.” You sigh shrugging at him. His cool galaxy eyes run across your skin before he smirks. “I’ll just assume that your strange, even for you, behavior is because you are freaking about the exhibition later today.” He paused before making his way back to his seat with the realization that he would not be teaching you anything today. “I’m not sure why nor do I care why you have such a problem preforming, but if you never try you’ll never get better at it.” You bite down on the inside of your lip as this warmth bloomed in your stomach. That was literally one of the nicest things he’d ever said to you. It might the nicest thing he’s ever said in general. He looked over at you and gave a soft smile while nodding. You looked away because for some strange reason you found it hard to breath. “Good luck today, Trainee. Get out of here so you can get some rest.” He commanded as he scooted up to the console and grabbed his laptop. You stood up and smiled at him glad he couldn’t see how happy those words made you. It was a good pep talk for a few words. He surprised you. When you got home from your private lesson, Yoonsook was up and about dancing all over the living room with soft jazz playing in the background. She glided across the hardwood floor as you locked the door. Yoonsook was not a night owl like you. She was a morning bird if you ever saw one. You physically shook thinking about the first time you saw her dressed, prepped and ready to go at six am. It made you a little nauseous. She dipped her body low as the hip hop beat came through the melody. Yoonsook doesn’t dance much around the house so watching her is a treat even if you were exhausted and stressed out. The way that her muscles did exactly what they were supposed to was breath taking. Her lines, from her toes to her pinky finger, were all gorgeous and amazing. You feel such pride when you watch her dance, as if you had anything to do with it. She was lovely. As she finishes you clap gently smiling at her. “Bravo! Bravo!” You cry, giggling. She turns around to you with dull eyes and looked like she hadn’t slept all night. She rubbed them while yawning before collapsing on the floor laughing gently. “Sorry – I didn’t know you were back already. I usually use this time to practice because you know. You’re gone, and I won’t wake you.” She answered without you asking a question. You raised an eyebrow and walked to the couch, flopping on it. “Great use of time.” You chuckle leaning your head back. The two of you lay there for a few moments when Yoonsook gets up to tell you to go to sleep. You whine not wanting to move from the couch but finally agree. She did, after all, have your best interests I mind. Lucky for you, all the classes were canceled in preparation for the exhibition later today. After a few hours of shut eye you were in your room pacing back and forth humming your song to yourself. You stretched your neck trying to remind yourself to take a deep breath when you walk up there and a deep breath before the runs. You were absolutely capable of making it through this small test. You just had to remind yourself that you had to go through this and couldn’t run away. You also had to remind yourself not to look at anyone as you were walking on stage. Keep your eyes on walls only. And especially, you repeat to yourself, especially no looking at the judging table. Because if you looked into a set of starry eyes you were done for. You take another deep breath and lean against your desk chair. Exhale. You were trying to do the 4-7-8 breathing technique. You squeezed the light colored wood and tucked your head into your chest. As the daughter of Linda YL/N, you were no punk. You were afraid of literally two things. Spiders and being on stage slash having all eyes on you. You could do this. You had to do this. You’ve already come so far and to just wuss out now it wasn’t in your DNA. You looked up at the wall and nodded your head. A small smile started to appear on your face as you let the chair go exhaling. ‘I know we are upside down…So hold your tongue and hear me out...’
Your cellphone rang loudly, but it was the specific song that made everything freeze. It was his song. His fucking goddamn song. Why the fuck was he calling you now. He had days, weeks, months to call you and he calls you today. Of all days. Shaking your head, you turn around and watch the phone light up. ‘I know we were made to break…So what? I don’t mind.’ You try not to reminisce him asking why you picked that ringtone for him. Because it’ll never happen you replied…we will never break you said, the memory coming straight to the fore front. Jason. His name in your phone was ‘You Don’t Deserve Him’. And you didn’t. You watched it ring until it was silent. You didn’t want to move because for some reason you thought that if you moved he’d know you ignored his call and he’d call again. For what felt like hours you stared at your phone not sure what to do. Yoonsook yelled your name through the door before barging in, her face paler than usual. She smiled, unaware of how much more your anxiety has increased, holding out her hand. “Let’s do our make-up and stuff together for today? You’ve been holed up in here enough!” She reached out to you and pulled you out of the room and out of the stupor. Thank God for Yoonsook, even if your make up was left in the room. All of her brushes, powders, K-beauty supplies were on the coffee table like a bomb had gone off. You raised an eyebrow at her trying not to be rude but none of those colors would work on you and if she tried to apply them, you’d look like an ash monster. Not a look you were trying to achieve for an exhibition. She sat down at the coffee table cross-legged and gestured for you to join her. She needed to wait a second. Without a word you ducked back into your room and grabbed your makeup bad before putting your own explosion on the coffee table. You prayed your phone would stay silent for the rest of your life if it meant that you didn’t have to talk to him. Just focus on putting your make up on. It’ll be fine. Yoonsook starts to engage you with light small talk. She tells you that she’s going to be dancing and singing tonight while patting powder into her skin. You nod your head not responding, placing dots of foundation on your skin. She paused and looked over at you her eyes getting smaller. “So, who called you?” She probed before nudging you. You groaned and shook your head blending in your foundation before snatching her mirror away. She rolled her eyes and stood up walking to her room again, “You’re not going to tell me who called you?” “It was nobody.” You huff, grabbing the items to make your eyes pop. Yoonsook skipped out of her room with another mirror before sitting next to you again. “If it was nobody, why didn’t you pick up?” She smirked, bouncing her eyebrows at you. She had caught you. You rolled your eyes before closing one and applying gold to your eyelid. “He’s an ex. We haven’t talked since I moved out here.” You emphasized hoping that Yoonsook would drop it and talk about something, anything else. “Why?” She breathed, as if you had kicked a puppy. You turned to her and grimaced. “I don’t want to talk about it, Sookie.” You mumble trying to focus on making your eyebrows look the same on both sides. This is why you didn’t like doing your make-up, it was far too difficult. “Fine.” Yoonsook sighed. She swiped a light pink gloss on quickly, “I think…I’m going to go out with Hosung-ssi again.” You stopped applying blush and look over at her. Who the hell was Hosung? Her cheeks started to flush as you gazed at her with intensity. She laughed hard putting her hand on her stomach pointing at you. “Stop! You’re gonna make me tear up!” “Then tell me who Hosung is!” You cry. She laughed even hard pressing herself into the couch. Yoonsook was absolutely giddy. “Hosung…is that guy that you saw me with at the café.” She gushed, covering up her smile. You were so confused. “Wait. The battle rapper that you clearly didn’t like?” If you remembered correctly, she denied him and refused to touch him. She acted like the boy had a disease. “It wasn’t that –” You put your hand out cutting her off before she had a chance to explain herself. You took a deep breath trying to find out the nicest way to say to this to her. “Sookie, he tried to confess to you and you literally ran in the other direction.” “I did not! As I was saying!” She shot you a glare, “He grew on me I guess. I don’t know. He’s funny and kind…and I don’t know…he’s Hosung.” You never heard anyone describe someone by their name before, but in that moment, you decide to be the friend you should be and listen. Yoonsook tells you even though she denied him the first time in the café, that didn’t stop him and that was pursuit handsome. You wanted to say no that was creepy, but you understood what she meant by that. Plus, the way that she talked about him really showed that she did like him. There was a sort of gentle glow that she had. You wondered if you’d talk about anyone in that way again. And then you feel like crap because while you should be listening your thoughts drift over to your ex again. What could he possibly want? After months of radio silence…even though you broke up with him what could he want?! Yoonsook frowned a bit as she can see you’re not paying attention. You perk up and give her an apologetic smile. The two of you spend the next hour talking about her situation with Hosung while doing your make up. With the exhibition so close you couldn’t let anything else cloud your thoughts. They were already murky with visions of shiny leaders and moody rappers. You didn’t need Jason running around in there causing havoc as well. Yoonsook chatters the whole way to the auditorium where the spectacle will take place. You are glad that she talks so much, though you’re not sure if she’s talking about of excitement or nerves but you’ll take it. It keeps you focused on the task at hand and it doesn’t let your brain wander for very long. You look down at yourself hoping your navy dress with the bell sleeves and a ruffled hem would work for today. BigHit didn’t really give you any suggestions of attire. Yoonsook looked like a fucking model in her maroon body con dress. In her bag she had her dancing attire to change into. She kept fretting over her hair which she had put in beach waves for today. You mentioned to her that she looked amazing before putting your hand on the door. Swallowing the spit in your throat you realize that this is your last chance to back out of this situation gracefully. Once you enter the door there are no more chances. Do not collect go – straight to jail if you fail. You took a deep gulp of air and put a fake smile on walking in. There was no other choice. Straight through the fire, maybe you’ll come out singed and not completely burnt to ash. Both of you follow the signs to the trainee sign-in area, then from there you guided to the auditorium. Soft chattering hit your ear drums as you saw the almost every seat in the fucking house taken. Around three-hundred seats. Your stomach drops to your feet and you take a step back hitting Yoonsook. She chides you before grabbing your hand and pulling you to the chairs in the fourth row, the last row of trainees. The judges table was located in between the first row and the stage. Five seats, five notebooks, five water bottles…eventually ten extra-deadly eyes on you. You swallow fighting the urge run out of there as if the zombie apocalypse had started. “Psssttt….” You hear. You look to your left and you’re right trying to figure out where that sound was coming from. “Pssttt!! Y/N!” It was coming from behind you. Looking over your shoulder you see a bright smile. Tae! You didn’t even realize that Bantang was seated right behind the trainee section with the wonderful, amazing Tae behind you. He was like a good luck charm. “You look really nice! So, you do you Yoonsook!” He loudly whispered. Jin rolled his eyes at his younger, not even trying to quiet him down. Jin grinned at you before waving. You gave a small nod with your head to the elder before turning back to Tae. “Thank you, Tae!” You actually whispered before turning around in your seat as far, so you could. On Tae’s left was Jin, and on his right was Jimin, Jungkook, Hobi. You gave them all respectful bows. Jimin beamed at you giving you a thumb up. You glanced at Yoonsook to tell her that Tae was speaking to her, but she was clearly very confused. You didn’t want to bother her. “I’m really excited to see you preform.” The Gucci prince giggled. You felt your face fall before you reached up into your coils and wrapped one around your finger. “Me too.” Is all you reply, the realization of what was about to happen coming back. Tae looked at you confused and before you could respond you heard someone tapping on a mic. You turned back around to see Bang PD-nim standing there beaming at everyone. He coughed a bit before putting his lips close to the microphone, “Hello everyone! Thank you for joining us in our Trainee Exhibition! Today will be a day full of excitement and disappointment. Just know, no matter what happens, I am proud of each and every one of you. All of you make BigHit great and some of you will help BigHit become greater. Let me now introduce our judging panel.” He said with a flourishing arm gesture. Out walks four people. You wondered how many times they had to rehearse that because it was too flawless. A woman that you’d never seen walked out as Bang PD-nim called out her name. Then another man you’d never seen. Then that annoying girly whiny happened around you as the trainees saw their seonbaes walk out. Namjoon walked out ready for a MV. His dark hair was styled to the side allowing some of it to fall into one of his eyes. The black, almost silvery jacket was tailored to perfection with a white button down underneath that had ornate silver buttons. You rolled your eyes as the buzzing became louder as he slipped his hand into the pockets of his tight black jeans. Namjoon smiled at the crowd before giving a bow and a wave then sat down. Your lips parted as you watched Yoongi walk out in a simple silk black button down, and black ripped up jeans. It wasn’t his outfit that amazed you, it was his smile. Bright, big…gummy. Your Suga-seonbae had never looked like that in any of the times that you spent with him and right now that smile made you feel something…warmth maybe. His eyes looked through the crowd and much to your dismay they stopped on you. If it was even possible his smile got wider, and he bowed. You looked away as that warmth rose to your cheeks and tops of your ears. Yoonsook was even enamored. Gross. There were thirty trainees before your turn. Rappers, singers, dancers. Some doing both. Some doing all three. Not many did just one. You, were only doing one. There was a singer whose voice sounded like butter. A rapper changed his flow so quick it made you dizzy. Then there was a girl who you felt for. She had dried tears on her face, clearly, she had been crying before she walked out there. You wondered if she had the same affliction that you did. You leaned forward holding your breath as her voice came out clear. You didn’t mean to roll your eyes and purse your lips, but you were really hoping you weren’t gonna be the only one who fucked it up. One of the instructors walked over to the row you were seated in at the end of a rapper/dancer who was so good Namjoon was clapping. It caused some dirty looks thrown at him from some of the other judges, he just chuckled apologetically and scratched the back of his head. The instructor took the row with him backstage signaling that now you had five people before it was your turn. Five. You take a deep breath and focus on the words of the song. You put your arms in the air stretching and shaking your hands out. Four. Closing your eyes you hum pacing back and forth, shaking your hands and arms out widely like a crazy person. You open your eyes to see Yoonsook smiling at you before she walks on, it does the opposite of relax you. Three. Two. You can’t stop shaking even if you want too. You refuse to cry though. You chew the inside of your lip and dig your nails into the palm of your hands. You do anything to gain balance and its slipping through your fingertips. Clapping from the auditorium alerted you that there was one more person standing between you and that terrifying stage. Before you have a chance to even relax that person is finished. The instructor walks over to you and smiled before giving you the go ahead to walk out there. Alone. You don’t move. He looks at you confused and tells you to walk on. You go into auto-pilot and walk out there with a wide, phony grin on your face. You walk to the center of the stage where the mic was sat and take a deep breath. Almost six hundred and ten eyes fell on you and your stomach flips. You look down at the black heels on your feet trying to fight the literal earthquake you had become. Grabbing the mic, you take a final deep breath. You gave the pianist a slight nod. She plays your beginning note waiting for you to start. “Stone cold…” it comes out as a whisper and you look up right into kind sweet brown eyes and lose your voice. Namjoon gives you a smile that forces you look away quickly. Looking away was the wrong, very bad…very very very bad choice. Looking away forces you to see all of those eyes on you and their faces. The looks of confusion, of disappointment, of disgust...of boredum and annoyance. The words stop coming out of your mouth and it’s hotter than the sun up there. You pause to take a breath and find there’s no air entering your lungs. Your mouth gapes open like a fish over and over. You can’t breathe. Fuck. You can’t breathe. You turn around swiftly and ball your hand into a fist shaking your head. “I..I’m sorry. I can I start over?” You ask. “Yes.” It sounded like Bang PD-nim. You give the pianist an apologetic look and a nod. You take a deep breath and start over. This time you focus on the red curtains behind you. You allow yourself to dig into the high part of baby, and happy for you. This was your song. This was your moment. And you were doing your best. You took a deep breath before that run up and it was glorious. You allowed yourself to settle in between the chorus and the second verse. “Turn around!” The sudden outburst shocked you and you turn around. Your feet and body move before you have a chance to really make a decision. You turned around and saw that Tae was standing up, his face bright with thumbs up. You grinned at him starting the second verse trying to ignore the rest of the eyes on you. You nod as he sits down and remember what Yoongi said to you. If you never try, you’ll never get better. You didn’t even mean too but you were looking right at him. You expected that same bored, xanex-y expression you normally get. But he was giving you a half smile. Min Yoongi looked proud. “I wish I could mean this but here’s my goodbye!” You released notes into the auditorium taking a step forward with your arms wide open. Tae suddenly hopped up throwing his fist into the air all grins, while moving his body to the beat of the song and even if you were still terrified, scared…you’d perform for him. You’d perform for the nice idol that bought you cake on the first day. You’d perform for your mom, your sister…your brother…you’d perform for all the people who believed in you. “I’m happy for you…” You breathed finishing the song. Then you ran. You ran as if you were Cinderella and the clock struck midnight. You ran without care. You ran like you were trying out for a fucking track team. You dropped the mic in someone’s hand as you darted out of there. You looked over your shoulder as your hands hit the door to open it…the last thing you saw was Namjoon’s face as a wide grin broke across his face. At least one person thought it was good.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Hiding was something that you did to reset, to gain balance back in your life. When things were particularly stressful, you'd find reasons to hide away. You remember spending hours playing hide and seek with Kevin after he was adopted, and especially during the dark times when you'd tuck him away. Hiding felt right to you. And after the exhibition, you just wanted to hide. You tucked yourself into the bed holding your knees to your chest trying not to let your mind come up with scenarios of what happened once you ran. It didn't help that your phone had been buzzing since you made it home. You ran because you didn't want to see anyone's faces – good or bad. You didn't want to hear the silence or the clapping. You did what you needed to do, and you needed to leave. You didn't even care about how your knee would feel. It was throbbing in pain right now. You probably set yourself back a few days from complete healing. It was worth it. A deep breath escapes your body as the cover moves up and down. It makes you feel content. Singing in front of three hundred or so people. You did it. You fucking did it. Sure, you stumbled at the front, and it took Tae cheering you on, but you did it. Trying to hide your smile you tuck your bottom lip into your mouth and bite down."Y/N!" Yoonsook yelled from the living room. You sighed and shook your head. If you were quiet, maybe she wouldn't know you were home. "Y/N!" She groaned before throwing your door open. "Y/N.""What?" You sigh pushing the covers off, looking up at her. She smiled at you as she sat on the bed, it sunk from her lightweight. Yoonsook gave you an expectant look, and you grumble moving over some, giving her space to lie down. She gently rested back and turned to face you, using her hand to prop her head up."I found you." She giggled. You rolled your eyes and turned over, so your back was facing her. You didn't feel like being in her brightness just yet. She walked on stage and performed so well. You wished that you had a bit more of her in you. "You ran out of there so fast! I wanted to walk home with you. Did you know there was a little reception afterward with cake and juice?" You rolled your eyes and didn't answer her. You hear her gripe and push you playfully. "Well?"“No, Sookie, I didn't know there was a reception." You murmur trying to fight your annoyance. Even though you understood that she was trying to check on you, you wanted to be alone. By yourself. In this room. You were planning on talking to her tomorrow. Yes, you did it, but that small voice in your head was telling you how awful you were and how nobody else had to start over. "Because I am the best, I brought you home some cake, and I kept Tae from following me home." You snorted at the thought of Tae trying to get up here. That's what all the buzzing from your phone probably was. Although, you wish you could've seen Tae's face as the gate closed on him. Yoonsook was the best. You turned over and smiled at her, sitting up taking a deep sigh looking at the ceiling. As you looked at her, you raised your eyebrows hopefully. "So...you gonna give me the cake or…”“Sure. But first, why’d you run?” She questioned sitting up with you. You puffed your cheeks out blowing air. The air slowly turned into a hum then a hum into a groan. You only stopped to point your toes under the covers."I ran because I was scared…" Your voice was small, almost childlike. Putting your hands on your face you kept going, "I didn't start the song right and then my stage fight…"“And you want to be an idol?” She wondered. You swallowed grumbling loudly shaking your head falling back dramatically. You ignore her question. You didn’t want to tell her that you did not want to be an idol. That was supposed to be a secret…Yoongi’s face appears like a magic trick in mind which forces you to open your eyes. “Well…” Yoonsook started, “Honestly, it’s not the way you start the race, it’s how you finish it.” “That’s awfully on the nose.” You mumble still looking at the ceiling of your room. There’s a slight shuffling coming from Yoonsook until you hear the beginning of Stone Cold. Chills wash over you as Yoonsook holds her phone in your face. You were singing with your back turned on Yoonsook's phone. She had taken a video. Before you could start to think of all the violent ways you wanted to kill her, you fixated on the footage. She recorded video from the wings of the stage. Off camera, you could hear Tae call out to you. You couldn't believe Yoonsook had taken footage of the worst moment of your life. It was more than embarrassing. There was a lot of choice words you wanted to say to her as you started to push the phone from you. You lived it; you didn't need to see it again. Then a version of you didn't know existed appeared on the screen.You looked like you'd been performing on stage your whole life. You were smiling and moving to the song. Your arms were out, and your voice was good. It was better than good, it was amazing. Hell, you could give Demi a good run for her money on this song. When you turned to run off stage the video ended, your face still with a smile on it. “See what I mean?” She giggled taking the phone back, “You finished it strong. That’s all that matters.” Stinging hits your eyes as your bottom lip trembles. You wrap your arms around Yoonsook’s body, pressing your face into her shoulder. You were doing your damnest not to cry, but that was so kind of her. Now there were two people in the world you didn't deserve. You were lucky to talk to one every day. She tried to push you off and yell at you, but you shook your head and just held on tighter.“You’re stuck with me now, Sookie! Forever and ever…and ever!" You screamed, wrapping your leg around her waist. You felt her freeze underneath you and yell louder, wishing death upon you. Days after the exhibition you find yourself alone. Yoonsook was on another date with that Hosung kid. Are you and Sookie close enough yet to have the best friend talk with Hosung? Was something that people did here? You leaned forward putting your head in your hands staring at your laptop, smirking evilly. Your ‘best friend talk' was top five best friend talks in the whole world. You'd sit down the potential boyfriends and scare them within an inch of their lives. You'd talk about how you were there before their relationship, and you'd be there after their relationship to pick up the pieces. You'd go on and on about if they broke their hearts, which you'd break their face and have a perfect way to hide their bodies. You laughed out loud thinking about the talk you gave to Marina's first boyfriend. He didn't come to the house for weeks after that. Man, you were good at it. Nobody gave Jason a talk when you dated him. Mainly because you guys started dating in the weirdest way. You were at his father's studio hanging out, and he just looked over at you and told you ‘we're dating now.' You remember how hard he sighed when you agreed and then joked that you always thought you were his girlfriend. That phone call from the other day threw you for a loop; especially because you've been ignoring his calls since then. They always come up at some random times, but it's like he knew when you'd be doing nothing. The phone would ring when you'd be sitting next to it, or you'll be texting with your sister. You shivered shaking your head trying to figure out what the fuck he wanted?! The simple answer would be to pick up and talk to him, but for months neither of you had spoken to each other! MONTHS! You could be the one to surprise him and call him first. That'd be the right idea. Yeah! You nodded your head and stood up, jumping up and down trying to pump yourself up. You'll call him first and find out what he wants. Then you'll be done stressing out about it, and he can stop calling. You ended jumping then grabbed your phone off the bed. The sensation of unlocking it and scrolling to his name felt like you never stopped doing it. Hovering your thumb over ‘You Don't Deserve Him' you stare at the name unblinking. Just click it. Just press the green button. You chew on your lip taking heavy breaths in. You're not sure what's worse, watching the phone ring with his name or trying to decide to press the button. Your thumb twitches and the screen flashes alerting you that you were making a call. Fuck! No! Shit! Ah! Your eyes go big, but instead of hanging up immediately you press the speaker button. Maybe he won't pick up. Then you can leave a message. You take a deep breath and sit down on the floor leaning against your bed. It rings for the fourth time, and a gentle relaxation covers you. Nobody picks up after the fourth ring. You smile and nod your head. You did what you –"Hello?" His deep voice hits your eardrum. You hold your breath staring at your device. "Hello…Y/N?" He asked. Before he had a chance to say something else you hang up and look at your phone in disbelief. That was a mistake. Your phone starts to light up with ‘Stay the Night' playing. You made a noise that was a mixture between a scream and choking. It vibrated in your hand, and you lamely stared at it. You closed your eyes tight pressing the green button.“Hello!” You said brightly. He’d know it was fake in an instant. His deep chuckle passed through the phone and made you dizzy."Hey, Y/N." He breathed, "I was beginning to think that you were avoiding me." His voice sounded the same. A thick, husky velvet.“Avoid you? Never.” You lied pushing yourself up standing in the middle of the room. You felt like a stranger. Maybe you were. He chuckled again. You dated Jason so long that you could see his hand rub the back of his neck as he tried to find the words to say. As if on cue he spoke, “How are you?”"Fine." You answered quickly, hearing the apartment door open. Yoonsook walked in beaming from ear to ear on cloud nine. Jason was saying something, but you couldn't be bothered to listen to him. You were more focused on Yoonsook. It seems like her date had gone well."Did you hear me?" He asked. You sucked in the air and laughed sheepishly."No. Sorry – I didn't. My roommate came back, and I was watching her. Like a creep. But you know that." You whispered walking to your door and closing it gently Yoonsook's face fading from view. Pressing your back against the door, you waited for him to continue.“My favorite creep.” He teased. You don’t say anything or smile. Memories and feelings were washing over you faster than you wanted. As happy as you wanted to feel, you couldn’t allow yourself that. It wasn’t him that left you. You chewed your bottom lip and took a deep breath.“Did you need anything?” Your tone was hard, rough to keep him at bay. “It just…uh…my roommate needs me for something and I gotta uh….gotta…”"Oh…" The disappointment in his voice shocked you. You feel a little bad for lying to him. "If you are busy. I can give you a call back later.""Thanks." You mutter quickly hanging up. Your whole body was a ball of nerves just from that phone call. Your eyes fluttered up wondering if nervousness would be now your new state of being. You shove your phone into the pocket of your basketball shorts and walk into the living room. Yoonsook was sitting at the table her face so close to her phone as if she was trying to become one with it. She was humming and giggling to herself like a school girl. You took from the how happy she seemed she was texting with the mysterious Hosung. You tiptoed as you could to peer at what she was doing.“You’re not graceful enough to surprise me.” She smirked, looking over her shoulder. You stopped in your tracks shrugging.“It was worth a shot. Good date?” You beamed raising your eyebrows up and down sitting across from her. She let out this lovey sigh putting her phone down. Your face was a mixture of joy and surprise with a bit of confusion peppered in. How does one go from don't touch me to…he's alright to lovey sigh? She didn't even call you out on your excitement.“Yeah! Actually! We walked around town for a bit and just talked. He didn’t try to kiss me so don’t ask.”“Trust and believe, my sweet Sookie; I was not going to ask." You grimace. She laughed at your response and sat up a bit straighter. She started chewing the side of her bottom lip before speaking, “I think we are going to go on another date in a few days.”“Oh! Look at you two. At what point do I need to start saving up for a bridesmaid’s dress?” She laughed at you shaking her head back and forth.“Sweet foreign girl! There will be no bridesmaids in my wedding.” She said in a mocking satoori accident that made you cringe. You rolled your eyes at her feeling your butt vibrate. She kept making fun of your lack of wedding knowledge as you pulled your phone out and saw a text from Tae.|TAE: Hello! What are you doing? You frowned at the message wanting to know what he wanted from you. If you remembered correctly after you ignored his ten texts after the exhibition his last one from you stated, ‘I'll never text you first again!'|Y/N: Nothing, sitting here with Yoonsook. Why?The three dots appeared for a second. Then an answer popped through. Yoonsook whined that you weren’t listening to her and you just looked at her for a second going back to your texts.|TAE: I want to watch a movie, and everybody at home is too tired. Do you want to come over? I have snacks.|Y/N: Sure, why not. What about Sookie?|TAE: Yes! Yes! Without looking up from your phone, you ask Yoonsook, "Do you wanna see a movie at Tae's place?" You glance up for a second seeing her face turn slightly sour. That signature lemon-sucking face. You snorted and sat back in your chair with your arms crossed. That would be her way of saying yes. Trying to remember precisely how Jin took you the last time you came got you and Yoonsook lost a few times. Four times to be exact, but Yoonsook didn’t know that. She was very excited to go over her seonbae’s dorm. She even made sure to stop to buy a pack of beer and some soju. That was sweet of her. Maybe you should’ve brought something too. You rolled your eyes while knocking on the back entrance. The door flies open, and there is Tae in a black hoodie a few sizes too big, some green basketball shorts and socks that covered his calves. He grinned widely and took a step back allowing you to walk in. As soon as you took a step in, he pulled you in for a hug."Okay!" You laughed hugging him back gently. "Okay." You pushed him away a bit, nudging him and grinning. You're not sure when you and Tae became close enough to do that, but you don't mind. You had a feeling that you and Tae were going to be excellent friends whether you liked it not. You look forward to it. Yoonsook held up her gifts, and he gave a gentle smile letting you go.“Thank you, Yoonsook-ssi. I’m not a big fan of alcohol, but maybe one of the hyungs will like it." He said. You suddenly were glad you didn't bring anything. Your roommate looked like she swallowed a bug, embarrassed that she brought something that Tae didn't like. You watched Tae leave the living room and put your arm around Yoonsook's shoulder.“Don’t worry, Sook. You’ll get em' next time." You jested. She rolled her eyes so hard you thought they were going to get stuck in the back of her head. Yoonsook pushed you away and took a step forward realizing that she didn't know what to do or where to go. You accepted the challenge not to be the most awkward person in the room and walk to the living room taking a seat on the couch. There were no footsteps following you, so you turned back to see Yoonsook still standing there. You frowned at her."Well, you can not barge into someone place that you haven't been before." Insisted Yoonsook. You parted your lips to say that you had been there very recently actually, but you liked keeping that to yourself."C'mon! You're being weird." You huffed turning back around, stretching your neck. Tae made his way from down the hall a soft smile on his face. He looked over at Yoonsook then plopped down next to you."Why is she weird?" He asked picking up the remote, gesturing for her to sit. Yoonsook sighed and started making her way to the couch.“I have no clue.” You muttered back. Leaning closer to Tae you whispered in his ear, “I think she’s just a little off you know?”"I can hear you," Yoonsook growled swatting your shoulder as she sat down. She whispered how nice the couch was under her breath. You yelped and pretended that she wounded you by clutching your shoulder. She rolled her eyes and crossed her legs leaning away from you. The three of you, you in the middle, argued about what movie to watch. Yoonsook wanted to watch a romcom. You and Tae objected turning to each other with a big grin. She rolled her eyes and said that she felt like we were ganging up on her. It took all of your willpower not to say that you feel like you are being ganged up on every day, hello! You were the only black person for miles. You crossed your legs and suggested something mindless, action. Tae nodded and rubbed his chin flipping through the channels.“Have you ever seen Tazza?” He asked you more than anyone else in the room. You raised an eyebrow at him.“Tazza?”"It's a movie about gambling. Not action or mindless. And I don't know how appropriate it is." Yoonsook mentioned. You shrugged not caring what movie they picked. Tae grinned and hopped up running down the hall to the bedrooms. Your roommate sighed and rubbed her temples, "I guess we're watching Tazza then.” Down the hall, there was a quiet discussion going on. From what your ears could tell Tae was asking another seonbae, the grit in the voice made you think of Yoongi, to borrow their Tazza DVD. There was whispered discussion and then,"But – Y/N is here and wants to watch it!" Tae cried! You grimaced shaking your head. Yoonsook snorted then nudged you. It suddenly became quiet after your name was said, then a deep sigh. Then Tae bounded back with the spoils of his mission. He bounced his eyebrows at you gleefully moving to the tv.“Did you have to battle a dragon to get the movie, Tae?” Yoonsook asked.“I don’t think Yoongi-hyung would like that you are calling him a dragon, Sookie.” He joked making his way back to the couch. You looked over at Yoonsook smugly as her face did that signature lemon suck look. You laughed and nodded, getting close to her face.“I don’t think Suga-seonbae will like that all, Yoonsook. It’s very disrespectful of you to make fun our precious seonbaes that way. Especially Suga-seonbae. After all, he is a genius.” You taunted grinning widely. Seeing Yoonsook’s face like that was honestly the best thing about knowing her."I'm glad you understand, trainee." His cold voice makes your spine tingle, and you don't want to turn around. There had to be a smug look on his face. Yoonsook now was the one laughing at you. You turned around to see Yoongi strolling in some black shirt and black sweatpants, no socks. He was smirking at you. That same feeling you got from the exhibition hit your stomach, and you took a deep breath forcing it away. "Hyung, are you gonna watch the movie with us?" Tae questioned. Yoongi's eyes looked over the couch trying to see if there was room for him. There was, right between you and Tae he could sit. He chose to sit on the floor and use Tae's legs for back support. "I'm just making sure my property comes back in one piece." He muttered, putting his hands through his hair. You moved closer to Yoonsook not wanting to touch any part of Yoongi. She made a slightly irritated noise when you got close to her. You pursed your lips at her and rolled your eyes. Around fifteen minutes into the movie, you heard a slight whisper coming from Yoongi. You glanced down at him to see he was mouthing every word. You grimaced about to call him out on it when Tae put his hand on your mouth and whispered for you to ignore it, it was Yoongi's favorite movie after all. Min Yoongi's favorite movie was about a cheating gambler. You're not sure what that says about him, but it was the most adorable thing watching his face light up at certain scenes. It was more interesting to watch him than it was the movie. After a moment he stopped, and his eyes slowly moved in your direction. You'd never moved your eyes away from something so fast. Did he notice you looking at him? You fought the groan. You'd never live that day if he did think that. A door from a different part of the apartment opened and slammed. It was followed by a loud hello. You wondered who was going to come around the corner. Part of you hoped it was Jimin or Jungkook or Hoseok. You felt like those were the three idols that you didn't know as well, and if Tae was going to have you around more, you might as well get to know them. Mainly so they don't look at you like an alien every time they see you. Who you got was Namjoon. He walked into the living room with a big smile, the handle of a lollipop hanging out of his mouth. You sat up and sighed, getting ready to be yelled at again for being in his home. He looked at you then he looked at Yoonsook, then he looked at Yoongi and Tae.“Which one of you invited the other hubae here?" He sighed putting his hands on his face letting them slide down. Yoongi pointed behind him his eyes glued to the movie. Tae sucked his teeth while kneeing his elder. Namjoon gave Tae the ‘well' face, and Tae looked over at me."I wanted to watch a movie, and nobody else wanted to watch, so I asked Y/N-ssi and Yoonsook-ssi." He mentioned rolling his eyes and looking back over to the movie. Namjoon just shook his head and sighed eyeing Yoongi.“Hyung is watching it. I don’t understand.” Namjoon groaned, pinching his nose. Yoonsook swallowed and started to stand up."If it's a problem that we're here, RM-Seonbae…we can leave." She blurted uncomfortably. Yoongi took a deep breath and sucked in his lips trying to keep himself from laughing. His shoulders shook with laughter as he put his face in his knees. Tae shook his head at Yoonsook and put his hand out.Tae gave that far away stare before grinning, “Yoongi-hyung is only out here because I said Y/N wanted to watch it.”"That's not true!" Yoongi barked jumping up and pointed at Tae. Then a loud laugh came from him as he shook his head, "I came out to make sure that my movie was safe and it's my favorite movie!"“Surreeee," Tae said with a devilish smirk. You and Yoonsook exchanged looks as she pulled you from the sofa. You hissed and pushed her hand off shaking your head. This encounter was too funny to miss. The three of them bickered and your eyes were wide trying to catch every moment. Namjoon tried to scold Tae for bringing a new huebae to their dorm. Tae was not having any of that and said you brought some huebae here the other day to Namjoon. You and Yoonsook looked at each other and made the realization that you weren’t supposed to hear that at all. Not one bit of it. Your phone started to vibrate in your pocket. Without thinking you picked it up and walked away from the commotion.“Hello?” You mumbled into it, looking over at the three idols who had moved from a semi-serious argument to a play argument. Yoonsook’s mouth was still gaping open like a fish, unable to believe what she was seeing."Hey. Is now a good time?" Jason asked from the other side of the phone. You want to say no, but you suppose there's no time like the present.“Yeah. Whats up?" Yoongi glanced over at you for a second as his eyebrows narrowed then he went back to fighting with his brothers, his smile wide. You found yourself smiling as well then frowning hard to combat it."I'm going to be in Seoul in a few days. My dad is working with some company over there. Wanted to know if you wanted to do lunch or dinner or something?" The man over the phone mentioned. You blinked unsure of what to say. You didn't think he'd be calling to see you. You scratched your hair and heard the commotion quiet down. The three idols had stopped fighting to look at you. Yoonsook had given up trying to understand what was going on and leaned against the back of the couch. You swallowed and huffed into the phone."Yeah. There's this place I like. I'll text you details. My schedule is wonky; I'll text you times I can meet too. Cool?” You raced through the words as a blush covered your face. Tae was walking over to you slowly mouthing ‘who are you on the phone with?’. You shook your head and put your hand out trying to keep him at bay.“AYO, BAYBE!” Tae hollered loudly in English. You glared at him and gave him the middle finger. Now was not the time for his foolishness."Uh, you sure you are fine?" Jason chuckled.“Um..” You started on the phone then covered the mic with your hand, looking at Namjoon, “RM-Seonbae, can you please get Tae away from me?”"Taehyung." Namjoon sighed, walking over and grabbing the young idol from you. You mouthed your thanks putting your face back on the phone.“Sorry about that. I’m not busy…my friends are just rowdy.”“I’m glad to see that you made some friends.” There was an awkward pause at the end of his sentence where your pet name would go. You smiled and leaned against the wall looking at Yoonsook who looked even more confused.“Yeah. They are alright I guess. I’ll text you that info, Jay. I’ll talk to you then?” You guessed. He hummed his agreement then you both said your goodbyes. You pressed the phone to your chest closing your eyes."Who was that? Why do you look so happy? I've never seen you this happy ever." You cracked one eye open looking at Tae who was confused about the phone call. It was none of his business. Like hell, you were going to talk about your ex to any of the people in this room, aside from Yoonsook.“Are you jealous?” You huffed turning to look at Yoonsook, “C’mon. Let's go home. We are not wanted here…again…" You shook your head and turned to Namjoon. He rolled his eyes at you and sighed."You can't leave now with the movie halfway finished." He lamented. You could never quite place Namjoon. Yoongi was easy. He tolerated you. Tae adored you. But Namjoon. Namjoon was a weird bird that you couldn't tell if he was friendly because of who he was or because he wanted too. You pressed that you and Yoonsook should leave. It was getting late, and you were too frazzled from the call to make up a good excuse. The more you said it, the worse it made Namjoon feel… that's what he said. He apologized for his overreaction while Yoongi just wanted the movie to start again. You didn't want to be there anymore, not that you were mad you just were ready to go. It was on the 7th bow from Namjoon that you snapped at him if he bowed at you one more time you’d make it, so he wasn't able to bend. He laughed at your threat. Yoonsook talked you into finishing the movie, grabbing your hand and guiding you over to the couch again. You huffed and crossed your legs holding your knees, waiting for everyone to get in their seats. It had changed somehow. You got stuck in between Namjoon and Yoongi with Tae and Yoonsook leaning against your legs. Not that you minded. It felt sort of right to sit there with them. The movie went by fast, and you could see how it was Yoongi's favorite movie. It was excellent. Watching a movie with your seonbaes was pretty excellent too, but you'd die before ever admitting that.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It’s a wonder anyone trusts you to do anything at all. After promising Jason you’d text him the details of where to meet, and what time, you started ignoring him again thinking up all of these fanciful ideas of why he wanted to see you. The real reason you even agreed to meet was to find out what company his dad was producing for. And you had nothing better to do on Saturday. Jason's dad helping any Korean artist did not make sense to you. You put Jason on to it, which means Jason had to put his dad on it. DJ Thunderstruck, or as you like to call him Poppa Todd, needed to run you a check or at least call you to let you know he was working with someone. That’s why you were sitting in a café far away from BigHit waiting for your ex-boyfriend to walk through the door. Yoonsook helped you pick out an outfit for today. After telling her that you wanted something that was cute but something friendly she raided your closet. You sat in a pair of dark wash skinny jeans, a white top and her light blue jean jacket that looked like it had seen better days. When you commented on it, she said that was the style. You licked your dry lips before sticking your fingers into your coils and fluffing out your puffs. Maybe he wouldn't show up. You know that won't happen, but you still hope for that outcome. Jason was not a flake. In fact, you were the flake the in the relationship. You'd agree to a date then find yourself late because you couldn't get the lyrics correct to a song you were working on. He wouldn't mind though. That was the kind thing about Jason. Your thumb moves across your bottom lip as you try not to reminisce too much about the good times. The cafe bell rings as the door opens. You look up relieved to see a young woman and man walk in, holding hands. She looked up at him and nuzzled against his shoulder. You always thought that couples like that were weird and strange until you became that person with Jason. The man of the hour walks past the cafe at first. It gives you a bit of time to watch him. He looked the same. Deep, soft brown skin. Long arms covered by a gray hoodie. Long legs in your favorite pair of jeans, the ones you had tried to steal some time ago. His jaw line was hard with soft cheekbones. If he smelled the same, you were going to lose it. He doubled back looking at his phone then at the sign before walking in. The ding of the bell was so loud to your ears this time. His round brown eyes scanned the cafe as you stood up giving him an awkward wave. As Jason walked to your table his lips curved into a smile, his eyes sparkling. The first time you saw him smile it made your knees buckle. This time you felt nothing. "Y/N." He grinned before wrapping you up in his arms. You expected the smell of cocoa butter and Guess cologne, but what you got was nothing. You wrinkled your nose and pressed your face into his shoulder harder smelling nothing but a faint scent of detergent and deodorant. You took a step back giving him a tight smile. "Hey, Jay." You said before taking a seat back. He looked you over once a slight thurst in his eyes before swallowing. "Did you want anything?" He asked unsure of what to do next. You shook your head. You were lying. You'd kill for a cup of coffee right now, but you didn't want to hear him butcher Korean. And you didn't want to order yourself. He nodded and sat down across from you. Before showing up today, you had promised your self two things. One, you were not going to be the one initiating the conversation. Jason wanted to see you not the other way around. Two, no matter what happens you weren't going to get in your feelings good or bad. You weren't going to act out and yell, and you weren't under any circumstances going to take him back. Your ex-boyfriend looked at you and opened his mouth a bit, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down from swallowing. "How have you been doing...here?" Jason asked his eyes looking around. "Good. I guess. It's hard work, but it's important to me." You replied trying to keep the cold tone out of your voice. He smiled wider shoving his hands into his hoodie pocket. "I'm glad. I'm thrilled you are doing good out here. Honestly, It's so alien to me. Especially when you up and said you were just going move to Korea to be a producer." The way he saidthrilled rung in your ears. It didn't sound like he was that not thrilled at all. That ticked you off. "What's alien to you? Korea or me being a producer?" You spat. Red flag. You said you weren't going to get in your feelings. His face fell a bit before he took a deep inhale, the air rushing out of his nose making it flair a bit. "You know that I always thought you were a bomb producer, Velvet." He spoke quietly looking down at the table. Velvet. You had such a love-hate relationship with that nickname. While it was unique and you used to love the way it rolled off his tongue, the reasoning is what you hated. He called you velvet because that's what your voice reminded him of. The first time Jason said something with velvet tacked on the back of it made you feel a bit proud. Now, just like everything about him, it just made you feel empty. "You never answered the question." You sighed before standing up, "Think about the answer while I get us something." You changed your mind needed something to make this encounter bearable, "I'm going to get coffee, you want your usual?" "Yes. Do you need - " You shook your head cutting him off heading to the register. You ordered the coffee hot enough to burn your tongue off and his iced latte with soy milk, easy on the ice. You wanted to text Yoonsook asking if she'd call you and pretend to have an emergency. That would be hilarious. Her gentle voice on the other line trying to come up with a reason to bring you home. She probably wouldn't do it...you force yourself not to grab your phone to ask regardless of her answer. The coffee doesn't take nearly as long as you'd like it too and you bring it back. You set Jason's on his side of the table before sipping yours. "What company did you land with anyway?" He asked you, leaving his latte untouched. "BigHit." You started then set down your beverage, "What company are you and your dad helping out with?" "Just my Dad. Jay Park heard one of his beats and had to fly him in immediately. I only came because I wanted to see you." He declared. Your eyes opened wide as they could as you cross your legs and your arms leaning back from the table. "Well, you've seen me." You mumble shaking your head at him. "I'm healthy, happy, and in Korea. Sorry, you had to make such a long trip to such an alien place." It wasn't lost on you that he still didn't answer the question about what was alien. "Jesus, Y/N, you know what I mean." He groaned, crossing his arms to match your body language. You rubbed your eye before going back into your defensive stance. "No. I really don't. You saw me. Now you can be on your merry way." "Do you always have to be like this?" "I don't follow." You hiss at him leaning forward. Both of your voices were starting to rise in the cafe. Luckily there weren't many people around, that couple from before and an elderly woman who was sitting in the back. "How am I being?" "Afraid. We were good for each other. Good together. Dating for two almost three years and then out of the blue, you say you're done with me? Then I hear less than a week later that you're moving to Korea. Like what? I know you're afraid of commitment but damn. You didn't have to run away to another country." He exhaled angrily snatching up his latte putting the straw between his plump lips. You could feel the grimace on your face as your heart was racing. Jason thought you left because of commitment? How dumb was this boy! Not everything was about him, and specifically, the decision to break up with him and move from LA had zero to do with him. You took a sip of coffee trying to calm yourself. This was not the place to get in a screaming match. "Jason. Please think about what you said," You spoke slowly. The bell of the cafe door slowed your thoughts for a second, "You think that I was so afraid to be with you that I. Moved. To. Korea. Fuck outta here!" You growled throwing your hands in the air. You leaned forward more putting your finger in his face, "I moved to Korea because K-pop saved my fucking life and you know this. Dammit, you asshole!" You couldn't shake the feeling that people were looking at you. That was a typical feeling, but it this time it was different and felt intentional. You stopped and looked around the cafe seeing two people at a table in the back turn away quickly. One was in a black bucket hat with matching glasses and mask. The other in a gray beanie you felt like you've seen before and sunglasses. You eyed them up and down before turning your attention back to your ex-boyfriend. Jason opened his mouth to start his counter-argument, but you weren't finished yet. "I thank you for everything you taught me. I thank you for being there for me. For showing me what love from a man really should be. I thank you for being a great boyfriend and an even better friend. But I'm not going to regret my decision to come here, and I'm not going to let you make me feel sorry for making that decision." You were so happy to be speaking in English right now. "But you left me!" He barked leaning forward. His eyes glanced behind you, and in the time it took for you to say your little speech the two people in the back had taken off their sunglasses. You looked back into the eyes of your seonbaes. A pair of hot chocolate and a pair of starry eyes to be exact. You felt the color drain from your face if that was even possible. "You didn't give me a chance to woo you back or a real explanation. And only because I know you - the whole situation is alien," Jason whined pulling your attention back to him. "I can't believe you right now! You were the one planning a trip to Korea with me a year ago and now its alien!" You groaned, your hand twitching wanting to throw your coffee at him but also wanting to pull him out of the office away from prying eyes. "It's alien that you up and left everything that you knew. Your mom, Marina, Kevin...me." He snapped his lips curling up. "You're just mad because I left you. I didn't leave anything. The important things are still back in LA waiting for me!" You snarled your anger meeting his. Over your shoulder, you heard a chair slide and glanced back to see Namjoon's hand on Yoongi's. As if he was trying to keep him place. Jason sucked his teeth before looking up you up and down his face full of disappointment. "I'm not important then?" He whispered. The fury in you wanted to bite that he wasn't important, not anymore. You rolled your eyes an began to say something when he started speaking again, "I can't be. Because if I were important to you, Vel...Y/N, then you'd tell me the real reason why you left. You'd give me an explanation." "I don't owe you one!" You screamed full of rage, your blood still boiling. Jason was acting ridiculous, and he knew it. And you were embarrassed that you were having this fight with Namjoon and Yoongi close by. That was the whole reason to pick a cafe off the reservation, nobody that you even remotely knew should've been there. Jason took a deep breath and another sip, his eyes slipping behind you once more. "Yo, Vel, do you know those guys behind you?" "No." You sighed hard. That was another thing that annoyed you about Jason. His attention span was so quick. Back when you were dating one minute he'd make a beautiful ballad, then he'd be trying to rap on top of it. The two of you had literally been fighting, and now he's worried about the two guys behind you, "They are Korean. We're black. It's the novelty of the whole situation. I wouldn't be surprised if they came over and asked for a picture." Then it dawned on you that Namjoon spoke English. You always knew that but while fighting it had slipped your mind. You heard a shift from the table behind you, and you grimaced harder. Neither of them would be so childish to walk over here and ask for a picture. Right. You didn't know either of that well, and sure Namjoon liked to tease you sometimes, but he didn't seem like the type to do that. And Yoongi would rather be dead then ask anyone for a picture. Namjoon and Yoongi walked past your table without a word before exiting the cafe. An exhale of relief came out of your mouth as you caught eyes with Namjoon. He gave you a sad smile before following Yoongi who was putting up his face mask. "You sure you don't know those two dudes? The shorter one was giving me some bad vibes." Jason asked. You rolled your eyes. "Probably because he sensed you're an asshole." You mentioned watching the wisps of steam come out of your coffee cup. He chuckled a bit before uncrossing his arms. "Oh. You break up with me and run to the other side of the world, and I'm the asshole." "Yes." You laughed gently, "I'm glad you get it." The mood had changed so quickly, but you were glad you weren't yelling at him in the middle of Seoul. Jason put his hand on his forehead and shook his head back and forth, "Man. I thought I was going see you and everything was going to click, you know. I thought that if you saw me you would realize your mistake and we'd be together again. It didn't work like that at all." He chuckled. You shrugged. "I broke up with you because I didn't want to do long distance and I didn't want you to try to change my mind into not going. I mean, little did I know if I had stayed I'd be able to work with Jay Park." "Yeah...about that..." He started his eyes turned to the ceiling, "I may or may not have lied about that. My dad's not here. I flew out here solely to see you." Part of you wanted to be mad about his confession. Instead, you just laughed. You covered your mouth at first your shoulders shaking until a loud laugh bubbled out of your lips. Of course, he lied to get your attention. Of course, he just appeared out of nowhere. You shook your head and just looked him up an down. "You're an idiot." "I used to be your idiot." He lamented his eyes were looking deep into yours. That's when you know that you made the right choice. You no longer had feelings for him, but he still was there for you. It wasn't right for you to just cast him aside. "You can be my friend if you want. But I mean that." You emphasized with your eyebrow up. "I'll take whatever I can get from you, Velvet." "But first, you gotta stop calling me velvet. Y/N... Y/FaveNickname...anything but Velvet." Jason looked at you with sad eyes. You could tell that he understood that he had no chance with you anymore. He gave a short nod and smirked. "Fine." The two of you spend the next few hours relaying everything that happened while you weren't speaking. You told Jason about the studios in BigHit, your tutor without giving his name, how you your stage fright had almost gotten the best of you. He was laughing during all of your stories, and you realized how much had happened in the three months since you left. And the one month since you became a trainee. He told you about the songs he's working on and few artists that he's collaborated with. You were proud of him. Then you told him you'd have a Grammy before he could, and he said not messing with that K-Pop music you won't. That only ignited the flame brighter to succeed at BigHit. Jason invited you back to his hotel, and you declined. You offered him the chance to walk you to your dorm, saying it was almost like walking you home when the two of you were in LA. Although it was different and a little awkward to be his friend now...you were happy to have him back in your life in that capacity. You started to tell him about the last time a guy walked you home, the time at 3 am with Namjoon then you decided against it. It was a convoluted story that would take more backstory than it was worth. When the two you of you finally arrived you felt like you were saying goodbye to an essential part of your life. You knew that that wasn't the case, but you couldn't shake that now that you were letting him go you were giving yourself room for something else. You wrapped your arms around his broad shoulders taking one final sniff of home. His lips met your forehead as he told you to take care of yourself. You promise to do your best. As the gate closes, you feel lighter. Yoonsook was waiting for you in the apartment shooting questions at you one after another. You answer her as best as you can, and she just comments that you seem different. You roll your eyes before walking to the fridge and asking her what she wants for dinner. You were cooking tonight. It's not the sun that wakes you up the next day. Its the sound of an incoming email. You blindly reached around your bed for your phone until your hand connected with the device. Opening one eye you yawned unlocking it and went to your emails. Yoongi emailed you at 4 in the morning. You hissed and shook your head before clicking it. He really needed to get a better sleep pattern. Min Yoongi 4:03 AM English Lessons To: Y/N I am requesting for English lessons to happen today at 5pm in my dorm. This week I will not be able to make our morning sessions work. If this works for you, let me know. -Y The signature was new. You yawned and quickly replied to it. Y/N 4:04 AM RE: English Lessons To: Min Yoongi Fine with me. See you then. ~Y/N~ You tossed the phone back somewhere in the bed before turning over. You can't believe Yoongi emailed you that early, but more importantly, you can't wrap your head around the fact that you actually woke up to get it. The tone came through once more. You sighed hard and found your phone again sitting up. You clicked on Yoongi's unneeded additional reply. Min Yoongi 4:06 AM RE: RE: English Lessons To: Y/N Why are you up? Go to bed, Trainee. -Y You glared at the email and shoved your phone under your pillow shaking your head. You had half a mind to reply back. Before you know it the phone is out again and you're emailing him back. Y/N 4:08 AM RE: RE: RE: English Lessons To: Min Yoongi You first. ~Y/N~ His smirk came to mind as you pushed the phone back under the pillow. You wait five minutes to see if you'll get another reply back. It doesn't come, and a tiny little part of you wishes it did. Actual morning came too quickly. You took the time to spend the day lazing around, writing and creating. You finally got Jin's laugh track how you wanted it, and it sounded terrific. It was EDM meets hip hop, which was something usually didn't write. Now all you had to do was figure out some deep, meaningful lyrics to go on top of it and boom. It'd be a bonafide K-Pop hit, but it was not meant for a girl group at all...maybe CL. Maybe. Before you knew it, you were headed to Bantan's dorm. In your favorite black leggings, a white shirt tied off to the side of your hip, and Sookie's jean jacket you made your way there. This time following the maze-like way was more comfortable than the last. You stood by the back door shifting your smile side to side crafting an email to your seonbae. Y/N 4:58 PM I'm outside To: Min Yoongi Suga-Seonbae, I humbly request to acquiesce your cell phone number. As I am a lady and wish not to wait outside your door for you to shuffle to meet me like an elderly man. If you do not want to give me the telephonic digits that are your number, then I suppose I shall email you everytime that I'm waiting for you until I pass my studio test. Forever your huebae, ~Y/N~ You send it off laughing to yourself at the dumb jokes you made. You did it just to irritate Yoongi. You knew he wasn't gonna give you his number and the more you thought about it, the more you realized you didn't really need it. The door cracked open with Yoongi staring at his phone. He was chuckling slightly before looking up at you. His snapback was turned out with a tuff of his hair coming out of it. He put his phone with your email where you could see it, "Are you serious?" He commented between laughs. You nodded your head at him putting a serious face on. "Absolutely, Suga-seonbae. I'll be waiting for your reply." You smirked waiting for him to invite you in. Yoongi took a step back, and he looked genuinely happy to see you. That was strange. Then the smile fell, and he placed his hands into the pocket of his gray bomber silently telling you to follow. Raising an eyebrow, you kept the pace behind him. Where was he leading you too? You moved past the living room, to the hallway and watched him walk into a room. You stopped at the threshold and narrowed your eyes very confused. "Are you going to come in?" He yelled from inside the room. You had half a mind to hell back only if it's your office. You peeked around the door frame to look at a very tidy bedroom. Almost too neat. As if he spent as little time there as possible. Yoongi sat at his desk with his back facing the door. His workspace sat by a large floor to ceiling window that had the most beautiful view of the city. Dropping your backpack by his bed, you walked to the window entranced. "Wow." You breathed. "This is amazing." Yoongi looked up from his laptop to the window his lips curving into a small smile. "Yeah, I suppose it is, Trainee." He quickly went back to his laptop. You took a step back and turned around looking at his abode. There was a little reading nook in the corner with two plush looking black chairs with a small circular table between them. That trainee shit was going to have to stop and soon. After grabbing your backpack, you claimed one of the black chairs and waited for him to join you. You realized that you weren't sure if you were going to get a lesson out of this. Probably not. He specifically noted English Lesson in the email. You watched his fingers move across his keyboard as his tongue flicked out of his lips. Whatever he was doing it was taking all of his concentration. He'd alert you when he was ready. Dipping your hand into your bag, you pulled out your own laptop and headphones getting to work on some lyrics to what was now tentatively titled 'Jin's Song.' You shoved them in your ears and pressed play. You bobbed your head to the beat as your foot bounced along. 'Everyone's looking for love in all the wrong places, I'm just trying to find you in the right spaces. Going round and round with you girl, it drives me crazy. Why can't I call you baby?" You took a deep breath and started to whisper the words to see if they fit on top of the beat, at least for the first verse. Going round and round needed to be taken out. It sounded like too much like 'I NEED U.' You sighed hard and leaned back in the chair closing your eyes letting the song loop. "Trainee?" You heard Yoongi say, just loud enough to be heard through the base of your song. You opened your eyes slowly and took out one of your earbuds. "Yeah?" You questioned, rubbing your eyes and sitting up. His deep starry eyes looked at you for a moment as if he was trying to find the right words to say something. "I'm ready now." He finally murmured before sitting next to you crossing his slender legs. You switched your laptop for your English texts and handed him some worksheets you had printed off. He frowned looking at them then at you. "What..." Yoongi started. You gave him a blank stare. He rolled his eyes and took a deep breath, "What is this for?" He asked in English. "They are called worksheets. Please complete them, and I'll grade them and go over what you are messing up. Think of it as an assessment." You instructed before crossing your own legs. This was the one time you wished you had glasses. "Pen?" He asked. When Yoongi spoke English, his voice was always timid as if he was unsure what he was saying. You raised an eyebrow at him silently telling him that you were not going to acknowledge what he said unless he tried a full sentence. He groaned and put his hand on the back of his neck, something he did when he was nervous you realized. "Do...you...have pen?" He asked. "Do you have a pen? Yes, I do." You answered fishing in the pack. You handed it to him, and he got to work. It didn't take him long to fill it out, long enough for your mind to start to wander to lyrics again. After receiving the quiz back, you looked at it and was surprised not to see that many mistakes. If you had to but a number on the grading he got a 86%. You told him he did well before going over the mistakes of it. He was nodding intently and asking clarifying questions. It warmed your heart a bit to know that if you got kicked out that you'd make a damn good English teacher. Around the thirty-minute mark, he took a deep breath and put his head in his hands. "Can we take a break?" Yoongi stressed switching back to Korean. You nodded and pushed yourself out of the chair. "Yes," You started, "Do you mind if I make myself some tea or coffee?" You pointed out of the door. Suddenly you remembered Namjoon's slight irritation of you being around and chewed the inside of your cheek, "Actually, can you go get it for me if you don't mind Suga-seonbae?" "Are you in hiding?" He questioned before standing up and putting his hands in his pockets. You rolled your eyes and huffed at him. "Are you going to get it for me or not?" You inquired in return crossing your arms over your chest. He raised an eyebrow at you his face unreadable. Yoongi smirked and walked out of his room. He didn't even ask what you wanted. Either really would be fine, but you were leaning to coffee. Wait, how long did you have to teach him today? Did he expect all five days of lessons to be today because you did not have the brainpower for that! You had maybe forty-five more minutes left in you. You leaned your head against your fist waiting for your seonbae to return. You hoped that the coffee or tea was excellent. Money or not that doesn't make for good taste buds. You shuttered at the thought of having to lie to him about the coffee. The tea you had the other day was good, but that was green, and it was tough to mess that up. Was it necessary to lie about lousy coffee or tea? Who knows! But you know you didn't feel like it today. When Yoongi came back, you were deep into your phone, scrolling through social media. You almost liked a picture Jason put up of the view from his hotel room. Almost. You looked up to see him carrying some type of liquid in mug steam rising from it. It smelled like coffee. Sweet heaven! You put your hands out making the 'gimme' motion, and he just looked you up and down. He gave you a fake smile before placing the cup to his lips and taking a sip. Your face fell hard as you watched Yoongi drink the blessed caffeine you had asked him to get. Your mouth was open as you were so confused. Why was Yoongi drinking what you wanted?! He sat next to you and got comfortable in the seat. "Disrespect won't get you anything, Trainee." He spoke slowly and purposely. Oh. You understood. He was teaching you a lesson. You raised an eyebrow and nodded your head. Honestly, if this was the first time he thought you disrespected him, then you were doing much better than you thought you were. Still, you didn't want him to have any negative thoughts about you - he was still your seonbae after all. You gave him a deep bow, while seated. "Won't happen again." You replied. He nodded seeming pleased with himself that you understood. Yoongi set his mug down and looked at you expectantly to continue the lesson. You were less in the mood now. "Let's make it simple. Let's just have a conversation in English," You started, "You ask me a question, and then we'll just talk." Yoongi nodded and although he was in urban wear with a snapback, watching him sip from that mug was so fucking beautiful. If it were any other person, you would've asked to take a picture. "Who was that at the cafe with you yesterday?" He asked in perfect English. Well fuck! That was not the question you thought he was going to ask. You blinked at him slowly your face half irritated and half surprised. Why does he want to know who was with you at the cafe? Why does that matter at all! You took a deep breath trying to calm yourself down. If you just acted like it wasn't a big deal he was sure to change topics. "My ex-boyfriend, Jason. He was just in town for a short visit. I'd never been to that cafe before wanted to visit." You answered uncrossing and crossed your legs in slight irritation. "Lots of fighting..." He pressed his smirk going wider before taking another sip of what should be your coffee. "It was just a very loud discussion." You sighed, "What about you? Why were you and RM-Seonbae there?" "It's his favorite cafe." Yoongi groaned as if he was deflated. He didn't ask any more about your relationship or what you were talking about which made you feel so much better. What went down between you and Jason needed to stay that way, no matter if the idols were just a few tables away when it happened. He stopped speaking trying to formulate the sentence before he said it. He asked how you were and you realized he was going to go on small talk auto-pilot. That was fine. You answered and replied with your own question. He answered and asked something else. It was the driest, most boring conversation you'd ever had with any human being...with any creature actually. The conversations you'd have with your dollies when you were little were more riveting. You weren't being fair though, English wasn't Yoongi's first language, so you couldn't expect to talk about quantum physics and string theory. Not that you know anything about that at all. Yoongi scratched his eyebrow and stretched his body up. "Okay. That's enough English." He sounded almost chipper to be speaking in his native tongue. You smiled at him and nodded, pushing yourself up. "Cool. I'll head home then." You spoke while grabbing your things. It's funny, if you were home the person would tell you to text them when you made it back safely. You highly doubt that Min Yoongi cared one way or another if you made it back safely. With your backpack slung over your shoulder, you pulled your phone out starting to text Yoonsook that you were on your way back. "What were you listening to earlier?" Yoongi asked. He looked genuinely interested. You looked up for a second and bit your bottom lip trying not to smile too big. "Just a song I'm working on...with a secret surprise." You bounced your eyebrows at him playfully. He chuckled. Yoongi looked at you for a second longer than you thought he should and that weird tingling in your stomach came back. Then you realize, was he going to ask to listen to it? His pink lips parted as he was about to speak again. "Yoongi!" A voice cried out from the hallway stopping him. Slight cold ran through your body as you feared it would be Namjoon that walked around the corner. Instead you see Jin walk in without a worry. The smile on your face couldn't have been bigger. You bowed deeply at him, "Hello, Jin-seonbae!" This was a delightful surprise. Usually, the person who comes around the corner is Namjoon. And he’s usually mad you're there. The eldest idol smiled back at you giving you a quick bend. "I didn't realize you had company, Yoongi-ah. I was just wondering if you had any plans for that random cup of coffee you left on the counter." Jin asked Yoongi. You looked back at the pale man so quickly you almost gave yourself whiplash. So, he had made you coffee then decided not to bring it last minute to teach you something. That was stupid. And it was a waste of coffee. He smiled sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. "Oh yeah...I made that for Y/N-ssi." He started standing up refusing to look at you. It must be out of embarrassment because his elder now made him look like an idiot. "I must've forgotten it." "You're usually not the forgetful one, Yoongi-ah." Jin teased. "I was also coming in to let you know dinner should be ready soon." He paused then his face lit up. "Why don't you stay for dinner, Y/N-ssi?" Jin must've seen your backpack hanging off one shoulder. As you opened your mouth to say something, anything that was kind enough not to have dinner there Jin gave you a smile that melted your heart. Dammit. But you had to remain strong this time. You could not stay for dinner. There was no real reason why you couldn’t you just don't have the best luck when it comes to these impromptu sessions and honestly it was just about that time for Namjoon to show up. "I uh..." You started then Jin shook his head. "I won't take no for an answer. Tonight, is actually Bangtan night, but I'm sure they won't mind the addition." He explained putting his finger on his lip in thought. Then he clapped his hands turning to head out the door as if it was decided. "If tonight is Bangtan night then I do not under any circumstances want to barge in. RM-seonbae does not seem - " You cried trying to catch him before he disappeared into the hallway again. "Don't worry about Joon." Jin's voice rang out from the hallway. You took a deep breath holding it for a few seconds before exhaling. You turned to Yoongi who was looking at you with an intense smirk. "Let's go eat." He chuckled starting to walk out of his room. You stood there mouth gaping open confused as to what just happened. Pinching the bridge of your nose, you groaned dropping your backpack near Yoongi's bed. Why did it feel more like being lead to your death than a dinner?
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When you were back in LA family dinners were always your favorite. Nothing could beat the loud craziness of a table full of family, food, and love. It was even better when momma was fostering a house full of kids. You and momma would prepare and serve, then the hilarity would start. Kevin would sit next to you demanding your attention, something he hasn’t really grown out of. Marina would try to boss the other kids around because she knew you couldn’t be bossed around. The dinner table was a revolving door of children at some point in your life. It was always wonderful. Which is why you knew this dinner was not going to be wonderful. Meals at home you belonged there. When momma was too tired or busy, you'd take up the helm. They were your dinners. But you were an intruder, something you felt a confident leader would remind you of the whole time you sat at his table. And if you were utterly one hundred percent honest, it wasn't his fucking table. It was BigHits. And you were invited. By Jin! Who was his elder. That had to mean something right? Like who cares if he’s the leader of some mega-popular group. His elder, his big brother, invited you to stay for dinner. So, you were fine. Probably. Was Namjoon rude to all of the guests of Bangtan or was it just you? It wasn't like he disliked you. He was friendly to you when it was only one on one stuff, the practice room…walking you home, but you suppose you wouldn't want someone popping up in your space randomly either. You did try to get out of it, in your defense. Six excuses. Six. You gave Jin six explanations on why you shouldn't be at dinner. All of them were turned down. You tried to tell him you weren't feeling good, that you weren't hungry. You tried to say that you forgot you had plans. You used all of your bag of tricks trying to get out what surely was going to be the most awkward dinner of your life. All Jin said each time, while he was cooking food that smelled so good it made your mouth water, was that everything was going to be okay. Then he asked Yoongi to set the table if he was just going to gawk. You excepted some sharp response from your seonbae, but he merely did what he was told. Were you in an alternate universe? What the fuck was going on?! You found yourself standing in the kitchen not sure what to do. "You could help me, Trainee," Yoongi called to you from the dining room. Jin turned around, and it’s like he did this on purpose. He smiled at you in the most fathery way you've ever seen in your life. It was a smile that said, ‘aww look at my child, I’m so proud of them.’ Then he waved you off to help. Setting the table is a very family-esq task. You move silently with Yoongi like the two of you had been doing this for ages. He held out a plate, you grabbed it and place it until the table was filled with essentials. A table of eight, set for eight. How many times had someone crashed Bangtan night? You can't be the first. “Hyung!” A familiar voice cried from down the hall, “Is the food ready yet?” Before you realized it, you walked into the hallway with your arms open. “TaeTae!” You yelled. Tae’s face got big as he did a quick jog to you wrapping his arms around your small frame. It was nice to see him, it always was, but at least you had him. “You’re here! AH! Are you staying for dinner? Please say you’re staying for dinner.” He exclaimed. You squeezed him tightly in return before unraveling yourself from him. “I am. But not by choice. Jin has insisted that I stay.” You groan, crossing your arms over your chest and jut your hip out. “Good. My hyung is so smart.” He praises before grabbing your hand and guiding you back to the dining room. “My hyung is SO SMART!” Tae screamed in the direction of the kitchen. “Thank you!” Jin replied. Tae grabbed your hand and pointed out the usual seat assignments. Namjoon sat at one end while Jin sat at the other, acting as the mother and father of the group. The rest of the boys filled in wherever they felt like. Yoongi had already taken a seat his face in his phone typing furiously with his thumbs. Tae sat you next to Yoongi, then placed himself beside you. One side of the table was already filled up. “Daegu boys sit together.” He chuckled looking over at Yoongi for approval. You didn’t understand the reference. Daegu is a place but what that had to do with Yoongi or Tae was beyond you. Yoongi smirked and gave a quick nod. You tried not to be nosy but what could he be doing that was so enjoyable. Glancing over you saw he was looking through his emails. Was he going to reply to the email you sent him earlier, you bit your bottom lip turning back to Tae. Why did it matter if he did or not? You shook your head and took a deep breath. "Hyung is dinner…" You heard someone sleepily call from down the hallway. "Put some clothes on, we have company," Jin answered. “On Bangtan night?” The voice asked. “IT’S ME! THE GIRL WHO KEEPS SHOWING UP!” You screamed, making Yoongi and Tae jump. “OH!” The voice sounded happy. The sound of feet coming down the hallway was followed by a wild Jimin, his honey-blond hair all over his head. “Y/N-ssi!” He giggled walking over with a wide grin and his eyes disappearing into half-moons. Jimin gave you a quick bow before sitting across from Tae. Looking him up and down, he was wearing a white button down and some jeans. He was not the one who needed to get dressed. Jungkook walked in looking less than pleased as if someone woke him up from a nap. He was tugging down a sweatshirt then saw you and smirked. He was the one who wasn’t dressed. Marina would have a kick knowing the littlest idol walked around shirtless. "Y/N-ah! You're here for Bangtan night?" The maknae laughed, sitting across from Yoongi leaving the middle seat empty. You tilted your head slightly, trying to figure out why he'd leave a space between him and Jimin. Last time you checked, they were fairly joined at the hip. “I suppose. All of my escape plans aren’t working.” You muttered under your breath, saying the last half in English. “Escape?” Jungkook repeated his eyes wide. You looked at him and smirked, “RM-Seonbae’s been teaching you more words than July and Pardon?” There was a deep twinkle in Jungkook’s eyes as he leaned back in his seat. He looked over to Jimin, then to Tae communicating something. Jimin grinned in returned and raised his eyebrow as Tae squeezed your elbow nodding his head. Hoseok popped around the corner and looked at the table, then observed you, before sitting in the space across from you. “Food’s almost ready! Sorry, about the delay.” Jin called out from the kitchen. “It's fine, hyung," Hoseok said with a giant grin. "It's not every night that someone is here for Bangtan night." “I’ve heard.” You groaned, putting your hands over your face, “I assure you, this was not my doing.” “It’s fine.” Tae sang, nudging you. He grabbed your hands and put his face close to yours, his eyes large teeth bare. You snorted pushing him away. You bit the inside of your lip trying to keep yourself from laughing hard. Tae's face was hilarious like that. “Stop it!” “Jin-hyung, that smells so good!” Unfortunately, that last voice you could spot deaf, dumb, and blind in the middle of a snowstorm. You swallowed feeling knots start to grow in your stomach as Namjoon turned the corner. The final player in this terrible game you were in. His warm eyes crossed the table before meeting yours. You gave him a sheepish smile and a quick wave. “Hi…RM-seonbae.” “Hi…Y/N-ah?” Namjoon groaned, before rubbing his temples. You swallowed and let out an awkward laugh. "Don't start, Joon. Help me with the food, you too Hoseok." Jin hollered from the kitchen. Namjoon looked you over once more before turning around and heading to the kitchen. Hoesok gave you a thumb up and hopped out of his seat. Turning to look at Tae, who was grinning at you, made you feel a bit more relaxed. The knots in your stomach loosened a bit. You know that you have nothing to fear with Namjoon, you just didn’t like the way he looked at you. It was a little too close and a little too long. Like he couldn’t figure you out, but he was the confusing one. “So, are you ARMY, Y/N-ah?” Jungkook questioned with a dark grin. You raised an eyebrow and snorted. “No.” Jimin and Jungkook looked like you stabbed them in the eye. They were very clearly offended. You shrugged at them and gave them a soft smile. You were a guest in their home, you needed to be nice, “While I love your songs. And I’ve loved your music for a while now…I just don’t have time to be a part of a fandom like that.” Jimin’s eyes narrowed on you as Jin, Namjoon, and Hoseok entered the room with plates of food. “But you know about RUN stuff.” The honey blond dancer commented. “My sister, Marina, she’s ARMY. Hardcore lifer.” You snorted, a smile blooming across your face. “Watches every RUN, every VLive, likes every tweet…ect. She’s the one who said I should audition at BigHit.” Plates, bowls, serving containers were sat down on the table as smells waft through the air. It all looked so good. It was almost worth the glare that you felt coming off of Namjoon. It wasn't really a glare…more like an intense stare. A smolder? No. That wasn't the word for it. His hot chocolate eyes never left your skin, and it tingled a bit. “Oh! I hope we can meet her. Is she coming to visit anytime soon?” Jimin smiled. You looked over to Hoseok waiting for him to take the space directly in front of you, but he sat at the end of the table. Then Jin placed himself at the other head of the table…leave the only open seat for Namjoon in front of you. “Uh…” You started with a grimace on your face. Namjoon sat down ungracefully and gave you a tight smile. You grimaced harder taking in a shallow breath. There goes your buffer. You thought if the grumpy leader sat at the top of the table then you wouldn’t have to deal with it as much, but now that he’s right here an arm’s length away you felt like you were in more trouble. “Thank you for cooking, Jin-hyung,” Jungkook started. It created a chorus of thank you’s the last one coming out of your mouth. The eldest idol beamed and said for everyone to start eating. With Namjoon’s eyes on you, you lost your appetite. In situations like these, it's best to follow the leader. You kept taking peeks at Tae, who was your designated leader, from your side watching him fill his plate. Then he shook his head commenting what a lousy host he was as he filled your plate. You muttered your thanks looking down hoping Namjoon would stop looking at you at some point. “Y/N-ah, so we won’t meet your sister?” Jimin whined. You covered your mouth and started to laugh, happy that he pulled your attention away from Namjoon. “Yoongi-hyung,” Hoseok started, “What are they talking about?” “Trainee’s sister is ARMY," Yoongi muttered between bites. Jin looked around the table and took a deep breath, smiling at everyone like the proud parent he was deep on the inside. You start to feel a bit hopeful as everyone settles and begins to talk around you. Except for Namjoon. He’s still looking at you. Like that big beautiful brain of his is trying to process you into tiny pieces of data. “So, Y/N-ah…” Tae started. You glance over at him then back at your plate. “Are you liking the food?” You hadn’t eaten anything and popped a piece of beef into your mouth quickly nodding. You continue that mode of conversation of one-word answers to Tae and staring at your plate. The feeling of Namjoon’s eyes on you and the quiet coming from only his direction was enough to make you want to vanish. You want to be your usual self, and you usually can push through with Namjoon, but this was different. He was sitting across from you. He was staring at you. He wasn't eating. He wasn't even trying to make you feel comfortable! Tae mutters something to Jimin and Jungkook that sounds a bit like a distress call. Where was your distress call? Who was coming to save you? Maybe you should’ve lied and said you were ARMY. Why wasn’t Yoongi trying to help you? He was so far into his phone and talking with Hoseok about the next cypher that help would not be coming from him. So, it was either continue like this until you leave. Or you buck up and be a big girl. You did not want to be a big girl. “Y/N-ah!” Jungkook started then looked over to Tae with a smile, “I didn’t tell you. I thought that you did great at the exhibition! It was super cool to see you push through.” Moments like this you thank the melanin in your skin because you were blushing hard. Heat tickled your cheekbones and the top of your ears. You smiled at Jungkook biting your bottom lip. “Thank you, Jungkook-seonbae. If it wasn’t for Tae here…” you nudged him, “I don’t think I would be here right now. I totally would’ve gotten kicked out if it wasn’t for him rooting me on.” “Oh…do go on!” Tae giggled. You smooshed your nose at him before playing with his dark brown hair. You tugged on a strand. It earned you a playful swat. “I really like that song.” Jimin started before humming it. Then he paused to put his fingers through his hair, “C’mon sing it with me.” You blinked at him a few times before snickering. “Jimin-seonbae. That will be a no from me. Thank you for the offer though.” “Yah! That’s not fair! Your voice is nice!” He exclaimed shaking his head. You took a deep breath and turned from him looking down the table at Hoseok. “JHope-seonbae, will you sing on my behalf please?” You asked. The reddish-brown haired idol looked up at you with a bright face. “Sure! Anything for Bangtan’s guest.” He grinned before looking over at Yoongi. The pale idol gave a dark smirk before putting his phone to his mouth, and the worst screeching noise came out. The table erupted with laughter as Hoseok joined it. It was Stone Cold…but sung horribly. Like nails on a chalkboard bad. Now you know to never ask rappers to sing. Ever. This was horrible. You put your hands over your ears groaning. They were ripped from your face. “Nope! You wanted to hear him sing. You have to listen to it now.” Tae giggled. “Uh! This is torture! You’re killing me! Jin-seonbae! Help!” “Nope.” Jin mused with a smile on his face, chewing something. Namjoon looked around at everyone at the table looking at everyone incredulously. He really did not believe that everyone was comfortable with you being here. That made the knots in your stomach tighten more. Yoongi coughed and took a deep breath, “Ugh. My throat. If I can’t rap tomorrow because of you trainee…” he commented. “Me?!” You squealed as you leaned away from him your hands on your chest, "What does your singing have to do with me asking Jhope-seonbae?" "Everyone knows if Hobi sings, I join it." Yoongi laughed rolling his eyes at you before looking at your plate, "Are you not going to eat?" Looking down your plate looked just as full as when the dinner started. Then you looked back at Yoongi before sighing and shoving food into your mouth. Then you looked at him disgusted that he even noticed. “I’ll eat when I’m ready, Suga-seonbae. Thank you.” "Well, if you don't eat it soon hyung will take the food off your plate," Jungkook commented, leaning on his fist his plate nearly clean. Namjoon looked around at all of his brothers then back at you. He nodded while his eyebrows were raised. He seemed very irritated. He took a deep breath and gave a tight smile. “8th member, can you pass the pike?” Namjoon asked. You looked around the table and mentally counted. 8th member? Who the hell was he talking about then you pointed at yourself, "Wait. Are you calling me the 8th member?” The leader nodded, and you took a deep breath before passing the pike to him. You were wondering when he was going to say something about the situation. Calling you 8th member was something different. You didn't like it. The good times had just started rolling, and Namjoon had to barge in with his weird attitude. You didn't have time for it. “Invited.” You murmured, putting some rice in your mouth. “Couldn’t have been invited. This is Bangtan night. Brothers night. 8th member, how are you on choro?” “I was invited, RM-seonbae.” You sighed, looking around at the table for anyone to help you out. Yoongi was too busy eating to be bothered. Jin, who promised you everything would be alright, was snickering. Everyone watched the two of you go back and forth like a tennis match. “Invited? Why would you be invited to the place you live? Are you ready for our studio session tomorrow, 8th member?” "I understand you are trying to be funny, but I was invited." You try not to bite, but he was getting on your nerves. "Okay, hyung, I think Y/N-ah gets it," Jungkook spoke up, pushing his lips together trying to keep his laughs in check. “Thank you, Jungkook-seonbae.” You smiled at the youngest member. “That’s Jungkook-oppa to you, 8th member," Namjoon said with a brilliant smile. “Okay, that’s it! One, I am not calling anyone here oppa ever. Two, I’m not going to sit here and let you be mean to me at a dinner I was invited to!” You paused before switching to English “Three, you are this close to me cussing you out seonbae or not. Now I’m done.” You growled, starting to push yourself up from the table. Tae put his hand on yours, patting you. Taking a deep breath, you relaxed for a second. “Yes, Joon. Please stop. All this fighting is bad for digestion.” Jin chuckled, giving you an apologetic smile. “I invited her to dinner, so if you want to be mad at me go ahead.” "Yeah! And I don't understand what's the big deal. She's my friend." Tae grinned. Turning to Tae, you smiled back widely. You might have to change your oppa rule. Jin was becoming very close to the only one worthy of that title. Big brother Jin and best friend Tae were going to save the day! Namjoon sighed and scratched his neck before putting his hands up in defense. “Okay. Okay, but what I don’t understand is how she was invited.” He asked. “Please stop talking to me like I’m not directly in front of you, RM-seonbae.” You groaned, rubbing your temples. Hoseok’s brows furrowed and nodded his head, “Yeah! How did you get invited?” There was no real right way to get out of this. Yoongi wasn't going to come and rescue you out of this one, and you couldn't say ‘Oh I'm here because Suga-seonbae wanted his English lesson today because of your shoots this week.' You grabbed the glass in front of you and took a big gulp trying to find the right story to tell. "On my way home, I saw her wandering around lost. I asked her if she was okay. Once I realized that she was lost, I brought her home." Yoongi said in between bites. "From there, Jin saw her and invited her." It took all of your brain power not to look at him with surprise. You weren't expecting him to come to your aid – nor were you hoping him to put himself in the story in anyway shape or form. Namjoon looked at him his eyes narrowing a bit then back to you before relaxing in his chair. “So. If I understand this correctly, huebae was wandering around aimlessly like a lost little kitten?” You couldn’t help yourself. A gentle purr came from your throat before you let out a small, “Meow.” The table lets out a loud laugh as they all looked at Namjoon's response. You wanted to rub your cheek against Yoongi's shoulder like a cat to further the point. Namjoon raised an eyebrow and sighed laughing along too. “Fine, Bangtan’s kitten.” “Gross. Don’t call me that.” You frowned hard, “It sounds like I’m in some weird relationship with all of you.” You spoke before thinking, as usual. Jungkook sputtered looking around the table. It was out in the air now. You shrugged, “My filthy foreign mouth as Yoonsook says.”“Yeah, I agree with Y/N-ah, we aren’t calling her Bangtan’s kitten, Joon.” Hoseok mentioned giving the leader a look that could only read as ‘what the hell man?’ "Perhaps," You started putting your hands out looking at all of the young men before giving Yoongi side eye, "How about we call me my actual name…Y/N." You nodded slowly hoping they would get the drift. “So, hyung…” Jimin started looking to Namjoon, “Does that mean Y/N is welcome anytime she’s here?” “I don’t know why we are looking at him to make the decisions! I am the eldest!” Jin declared. He stood up and pointed at you. You blinked your eyes getting bigger. “Y/N of America. I announce that you are welcome in Bangtan’s dorm whenever you are invited. I also announce that Y/N is under my protection regardless if I am here or not and we should treat her as family.” The rest of the boys except for Namjoon and Yoongi cheered in agreement. Yoongi chuckled and chewed his food slowly. You suppose that he didn't care either way. Now, the annoyed look on Namjoon's face must be because he doesn't get told what to do often. You smirked and looked down at the table a bit trying not to look too smug. You were absolutely giddy that you could get Jin to shut the shit down. Not that you wanted to be in the Bangtan dorm, it's just that if you were going to spend time here, you shouldn't have to tiptoe around. And you didn't forget about Tae letting it slip about the hubae Namjoon invited over weeks ago. “Fine! Welcome to the family, Y/N-ah.” Namjoon laughed. “Thank you, RM-seonbae…everyone." You gave him head bow. When you looked back up again, he was looking away from you his face covered in with a gentle flush. You blinked cocking your head to the side. That was new. Dinner slowly became the dinner you were secretly hoping it would be. Everyone was loud, laughing. You couldn’t stop smiling if you wanted. This was the Bangtan you were expecting. This was the Bangtan that the world had fallen in love with. You soaked it all in and couldn't help but feel pride that these men were your seonbaes. Yoongi started to say something, and the whole table got quiet. You turned to hear him tell a story about living with Namjoon for six years. Namjoon grinned his dimples appearing. At some point, Hoseok got up dancing, which got Jungkook started. Tae got up and pulled you with him. You wanted to comment how you usually don't dance but instead followed along with the moves cackling. Dinner was dare you say, fun. Jin got up and started to collect the dishes. You stood up to help, you were a guest, but you were no lazy guest. “Do you see how good our hubae is?” Jin chuckled as you collected dishes. You rolled your eyes, “This is how a donsaeng should act.” You paused and looked up at Jin before touching your chest. For some reason, it really meant a lot that Jin called you donsaeng. It almost made you want to cry. To be considered as a little sister to Jin. You were ready to break your rule…but only for him. “Thank you…oppa.” You muttered continuing to collect dishes. Jin beamed wider reaching over and pinching your cheek. You pushed his hand off shaking your head. You felt Jungkook's eyes open wide as he stood up in a huff. Jimin tucked his lips into his mouth his shoulders shaking. “Wait! I thought you didn’t like the term oppa?” Jungkook barked picking up dishes as well. “I’ll make an exception for Jin-oppa.” You commented, following Jimin to the kitchen ready to wash up. “Plus, I’ve never been called donsaeng…” "You are our donsaeng, Y/N-ah," Tae smirked, patting your cheek with his free hand before you pushed him off with your elbow. The maknae line plus you made their wait into the kitchen with dirty dishes before putting them in the sink. You took a deep breath turning the water on getting ready to clean all of these dishes. As you were cleaning, you heard the three of them talking about Yoongi and Namjoon’s story. The way they spoke about Yoongi was in such high regard that you couldn't help but chime in. “You guys really look up to Suga-seonbae, huh?” You chuckled. Tae sighed and walked over to you starting to help. "He's moody, but he's our hyung." He answered. “Why, do you look up to him too?” Jimin asked getting in line next to Tae starting to dry the dishes. You scrubbed a plate looking at it trying to find the right words. Min Yoongi frustrated you to no end, but yeah…you looked up to him. He was talented, brilliant, cool…interesting… mostly an asshole but yes, you did admire him. If only he could start calling you by your actual name. “Yes, suppose I do.” You smiled. "Yoongi-hyung acts like he doesn't care about people but I'm sure he'd be thrilled to hear that from you," Jungkook commented while putting up the dry dishes. You stopped to look down the line and was impressed at their teamwork. No words were said they just got down to business. You smiled and kept washing. Washing the dishes took up a fourth of the time with the system that you were in. You wanted to kiss all of their foreheads then call their mothers and thank them for raising such good boys. Or do you thank Jin for building them to be good boys? Either way, you were glad the dishes were done because it was time to leave. You walked back out to the dining room to see everyone was still in their seats chatting. “Well uh…” You started, mentally kicking yourself for leaving your bookbag in Yoongi’s room, “I’m gonna grab my bag and get out of here.” “So soon?” Jungkook whined, taking his seat back. “Yeah.” You smiled then looked over at Yoongi, “Third door on the left right, Suga-seonbae.” He looked up at you and gave a noise that you think means yes. As you were walking down the hall, you could hear Jungkook say, “Ah…that’s a shame, I wanted to see if she wanted to play Mario Kart with us." You paused in the middle of the hallway. Bangtan didn't know this about you, but you were a Mario Kart freak. You loved the game, you were a bit of an aggressive player when it came to it…so when you ran out of the hallway back into the dining room with a grin on your face it didn't surprise you. Your seonbaes, on the other hand, were very surprised. “Oh, we’re talking Mario Kart? I’m so down.” You exclaimed. Jungkook grinned and hopped up rushing to his room. Your smile became wide and toothy as you cracked your knuckles making your way to the couch. Tae found his way next to you and Jimin next to him, leaving room for Kookie. Then the rest of Bangtan came sat by the television. “Do you guys normally play video games after dinner?” You asked Tae. He shook his head, "Normally it's a movie, or we just go back to whatever…" “I just want to watch you get your butt kicked, Trainee.” Yoongi yawned, leaning back against the leg of the couch. You rolled your eyes and wished he was sitting closer so you could bop him on the head. Namjoon was sitting against the couch leg that you were closet too. From the angle you were seated at you could see he was reading some webtoon. “Nosey.” Hoseok grinned at you as he sat closer to the TV. You yelped and looked away from Namjoon’s phone swallowing. Jin laid down in front of the coffee table resting his head on his hand, using his elbow to prop him up. “What?” Namjoon asked as Jungkook walked back in the room with his system. “Nothing, Joonie.” The dancer hummed grinning at you still. Jungkook set up the system and handed out the controllers. Four. You were player 2 for the first round. “Wait. Before we begin…” You started taking a deep breath, “I will not apologize for the words that come out of my mouth or for my behavior from this moment on. Understood.” The three players looked at each other and shrugged saying they understood. You grinned and took a deep breath muttering your apologies. To say that you kicked their asses would be an understatement. You decimated the maknae line. Honestly, they didn’t really have a chance as soon as you got the controller in your hand. This was your game. The first time they thought it was a fluke and you agreed to another round. The second time Jungkook was swearing under his breath glaring at you. You made a comment about him not being so perfect after all which sent him into a rage. The third time though, the third time Jimin threw down the controller and said he wasn’t playing anymore. You told them from the beggning that you wouldn’t apologize for what happened next. You shrugged and looked at the rest of the room, overly giddy you had another victim…you mean player in Hoseok. He took the controller gingerly and asked you to go easy on him. You said you couldn’t and proceeded to win again. That’s when Yoongi and Namjoon said they had enough and took the controllers from Tae and Jungkook. No trainee is coming into Bangtan's dorm and disrespecting us, the leader cried. The rest of the boys cheered him on. You snorted. It was probably for the best Jungkook stop playing. He looked like steam was pouring out of his ears. He plopped himself next to Jimin, and they spoke in hushed tones while turning to look back at you glaring. You shrugged and kept playing, easily defeating the rappers. You yawned and leaned back in the couch mentioning that you wished you had some type of competition. Jin sat up and smiled pushing Yoongi off the couch and taking the controller. Jungkook rolled his eyes sighing muttering that hyung didn’t stand a chance. You looked at Jin, who now in your mind was your big brother. You were at a crossroads. Did you destroy your new brother or did you let him win. While clicking your tongue against the roof of your mouth, you looked at your section of the screen the back at Jin taking a deep breath. When did this soft part in your heart grow? You leaned back on your playing abilities because you wanted Jin to win. You hate yourself just a bit. But the smile on Jin's face makes it all worth it. The eldest idol jumps up hollering which makes Jungkook hollering pointing at you with fury in his eyes. “You let hyung win! Admit it!” Jungkook growled. You put your hands up in defense and laughed falling forward shaking your head. “No! Jin-oppa just got the best of me.” “Worldwide handsome wins again!” Jin hollered arms in the air. You chuckled and looked over to Yoongi who was laughing hard. “One more round?” You challenged Jungkook. He nodded and pulled out his phone from his pocket then grimaced swearing lightly. “Language!” Jin sighed. “It’s late…2:31 AM.” The golden maknae hissed. Shock hit you as you stood up shaking your head. That can’t be right. That means you’d been here for almost eight hours. Shit. “Can we rain check on that, Jungkook-seonbae?” You asked rushing down the hall to Yoongi’s room. You ran in and out of his room grabbing your bag swiftly, then doing a light jog to the door. “Bye Bangtan! See ya next time!” You smiled starting to open the back door. "Where are you going?" Namjoon sighed, pushing himself off the ground. You paused and blinked. Throwing your thumb over your shoulder, you raised an eyebrow. “To my dorm.” "You can't walk home at 2 am by yourself. Give me a second to grab a jacket, and I'll take you back." “Totally unnecessary, RM-Seonbae! Seoul is the safest city in the world basically. I’ll text Tae when I get home.” You pleaded. “Yah, let him take you home.” Jin scolded. “I wouldn’t be a good leader if I let you walk alone.” Namjoon sighed. Your shoulders drooped, and you groaned leaning against the door frame. Hoseok waved you, and you made a mental note to ask him about his back the next time you saw him. Yoongi gave you a smile before disappearing into his room. The maknae line, apparently your newest best friends, all came and wrapped their arms around you. You wrinkled your nose and patted their backs, pushing them off you. They waved as they walked into their rooms. Jin walked over and gave you a giant grin. “I’m glad you decided to call me oppa.” “Please don’t make me regret it…” You exhale. He laughed patted your head before disappearing off to his room. Standing in the room by yourself you decide to incur the wrath of a leader and turned around starting to head out of the door. “What do you think you are doing, kitten?” Namjoon called to you as he walked to the door. “Not trying to leave without you if that’s what you are thinking.” You smiled, then frowned, “Didn’t we have a discussion about kitten?” “I remember the discussion going that you don’t want to be called Bangtan’s kitten, but I don’t remember you saying you don’t want to be called kitten at all.” He laughed closing the door behind you. "Well, I don't want to be called kitten." You hissed following him into the gentle Seoul night. The leader nodded then the two of you walked in silence, listening to the sounds of the city. Cars pass by, a stray cat meow. It was peaceful. All the knots that you thought would come from spending time with him alone weren't there. This was the Namjoon that you enjoyed. He coughed and shoved his hands in his pockets like he was trying to say something. His warm eyes glanced at you then back ahead of him that flush coming back to his cheeks. Why was he blushing? Was he cold? “I apologize…” he started causing you to look up at him again. His face was illuminated by the street lights “About my behavior when you come to our dorm…honestly its nothing personal.” “Feels personal.” You muttered louder than you wanted too. He laughed and looked down at you. "It's not. I just see something special in you, and I don't want you to come unfocused with the attention of us idols." “Don’t worry.” You start to wave him off. Bizarrely, it was kind of him to apologize. Especially because he was trying to make sure that you stayed focus. That was not the reason you thought he didn't like you around, but you were glad that he was coming clean. “You’ve gotten close enough to Yoongi-hyung for him to lie for you huh?” You sucked in all the air your lungs could hold as your eyes got bigger. What the fuck is Namjoon talking about? When did…then it clicked for you? At the dinner table, when Yoongi said he found you wondering on the street. Shit. “Uh…” You began, “Not sure what you are talking about RM-seonbae. I don’t really know Suga-seonbae that well…” He laughed hard and walked ahead of you turning around and walking backward. “I know about the lessons.” “Lessons!” You ask your voice high pitched and full of nerves, “What lessons?!” Namjoon frowned and put his hands behind his head still keeping the pace. You looked around him to make sure he wasn't going to fall or hurt himself. “Your studio lessons. His English lessons.” “Fine.” You groan throwing your hands in the air, “You know about the lessons. But how?” “I’m the leader! I know everything that goes on with Bangtan! Plus – I knew you were lying about falling asleep in the studio.” "It wasn't a good lie." You both say at the same time, making you double over with laughter. Well, that cat is out of the bag now. “Did Suga-seonbae tell you or…” He raises his eyebrows at your question, and you know you aren't gonna get an answer. And you'd be lying if that wasn't a little exhilarating for you. A knot grew in your stomach, but it felt different than at dinner, almost like a butterfly buzzing around in there. You and Namjoon walk the rest of the way to your dorm in silence. You take a deep breath of the night air as you come upon the gate. You didn't want him to go just yet. You didn't want that butterfly feeling to disappear. “Well uh, I had a good time. Thanks for saying I’m family. It means a lot. But, I will try to stay out of the dorm as much as possible.” You smile before looking down at your shoes tucking your bottom lip in your mouth. Namjoon shook his head and scratched the back of it, "Nah. Don't worry about it...I…we…Bangtan." He coughed, "We like having you around. You lift spirits." “Okay…” You nodded smiling wider at him before pushing the gate open. You waved at him before walking to the door. You stopped and looked over your shoulder to see him still standing there, “You never told me, RM-seonbae, are you a good little idol?” Namjoon’s face lit up slightly before a mischievous smirk adorned his face. He waved at you before telling you sleep well…then calling you kitten. You groaned feeling the butterfly disappear. You quietly enter your dorm knowing Yoonsook was sleeping at this hour, but what you weren't expecting was a young man to be also sleeping on your couch. You peeped the bottles of soju and connected the dots that Hosung had gotten too drunk to go home. Rookie mistake. You usually find it hard to fall asleep, but tonight you were exhausted. Being around Bangtan was slightly exhausting. You hopped into bed quickly and closed your eyes letting sleep take you. Right before the final wave of sleep hit you heard your email tone go off. Without putting your hand over your mouth, you yawn intensely opening it up. Min Yoongi 2:52AM [No Subject] To: Y/N If this ends up on Tumblr, I will become your worst nightmare. 02-312-3456 -Y You smiled slowly before putting his number on your phone. You took a screenshot of his name in your contacts as 'Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae' before texting it to him. |Y/N: Straight to Tumblr.|Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: Don't make me regret this, trainee.|Y/N: You don't know this about me, but I love a good idle (get it) threat.|Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: I regret this already.|Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: Correct name choice. You set the phone down, close your eyes. There was another tone. |Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: Do you really look up to me? The groan that comes out of your mouth is guttural. Why the heck did Jungkook tell him that? Ugh! Now you’ll never live it down. |Y/N: Drop it.|Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: *gif of him dropping the mic*|Y/N: You are kidding me, right? Right! You didn’t just send a gif of you dropping the mic... |Y/N: You|Y/N: Are|Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: Your favorite. I remember. You don’t have to tell me. A silent scream passed through your lips as the phone slipped through your hand. Min Yoongi was not your favorite. Jerk. You tucked your bottom lip in your mouth before biting down fighting the warmth blooming in your stomach and the smile on your face.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Time moves slower when you don’t have to be at your lesson with Min Yoongi. It's a strange phenomenon. At first, you were delighted not to have to deal with him. You had your creation time back. You worked on ‘Jin’s Song.' Wrote some lyrics for something else you were working on. Your dance practice went better because you were well rested. Voice lessons were stellar. Hell, even Yoonsook commented on your improved mood. But now, a whole week has gone by, and you were for lack of a better word…bored. Your eyes crack open at one thirty in the morning, and you'd lie in the darkness of your room. A text message came from Kevin, but no texts about lessons. You could text Yoongi. But you couldn’t bear the thought of another favorite conversation. You grimaced fighting the warmth that pressed against your cheeks whenever you thought about it. It was just so frustrating! One week was fine! But two? Yoongi's progress was going to halt. More importantly, if this was going to lead into two weeks, your progress was going to stall. You couldn't have that. But you couldn't text him either…ugh. You were at an impasse. Maybe, if you walked by he’d be walking and say something like ‘Trainee, you’re late.’ Maybe he just assumed you’d show up. Fear bubbled up in your core as you pressed yourself out of bed, hopping over to your closet. What if he assumed that you’d show up today? He wouldn’t right…you should text him. Shit, you'll be late at this rate, so you put yourself into overdrive. You throw on a pair of leggings and a purple shirt then scoop up your bag before running out of your dorm. You were so glad your knee was feeling good again. Late. Late. You were gonna be late. You jog faster when you hit the night air of Seoul. Then suddenly, you stop in the middle of the sidewalk taking a deep breath. What were you doing? You groan covering your eyes from embarrassment. Yoongi has been very clear on what was going on with lessons so far, so why would this be any different? He’d let you know when he wanted to resume lessons and it was on you to be patient. That’s the way this worked. You groan but keep trudging forward to BigHit. Well, might as well do something because you were awake now. One of the great things about BigHit was everything was open at any hour. Music Rooms, Dance Studios, eventually the studio would be open to you at any hour, but you had to be patient. There was that word again. You snicker and make your way to one of the dance studios. You flick on the light, and the halogen beams come on creating that gentle buzzing. The dance that you were in the middle of learning was giving you a bit of trouble, mostly because it was a dance made for the members of BTS. You walked over to the stereo system plugging in your phone and pulling up ‘I LIKE IT Part 2’ pressing play. It wasn’t a modified version of the song for girls. No, it was all body rolls and light pelvis thrust. Plus, you were the Yoongi of your group. Jungkook’s part started then you mimicked Yoongi, bouncing up and down the line before going into the steps and body rolls. Then you grabbed the top of your leggings thrusting your hips. It was an excellent old-school R&B song. The dance always reminded you of old school boy bands back in the day…like older than Backstreet Boys or N’Sync. Like the Temptations. It was crisp and sexy. When the song ended you gulped all the air that you could with your peace sign up, one leg tucked behind the other. “Y/N-ah, say BANGTAN!” A voice cried. Your head spun to the doorway. Park Jimin was leaning against the frame of the door with his phone out smiling wide. When the fuck did he get here? And how did you not notice him? Were you that focused on yourself you couldn’t see the slender idol in your peripheral! You raised an eyebrow then walked over to him your eyes narrow. “Are you recording me, Jimin-seonbae?” You groaned not having the energy to yell like you wanted too. Jimin smiled at you before putting his fingers in his hair. His white baggy shirt dipped low showing off his collarbone. He pressed the side button before placing the phone in the pocket of his black Adidas sweatpants. "I was. It's been a minute since I've seen that dance. You did…" He trailed off at the end smirking. You knew that the dance was in bad shape. That was not a good run through. But how embarrassing was it that you danced before one of the people who actually knows how the dance works. “Yeah yeah,” You sighed then looked him up and down, “Now if you could delete that…and never speak of this again.” “I’m not going to delete it. You looked so cute doing Yoongi’s part.” You pursed your lips at his answer before drawing in a deep breath. His eyes twinkled, “You sorta have his bad moves down to a T." “Jimin-seonbae. Delete. It.” You seethed. It caused him to erupt in giggles as he put his hands behind his back. “Oh no! Never.” His dark eyes glinted evilly. “I will keep that video of you butchering those moves. And calling me Jimin is fine.” Clenching your jaw, you watched him walk inside of the studio. His strides were graceful, even though he was probably the clumsiest person on that team. Jimin smiled brilliantly putting his hands in the air stretching. You were too tired to fight him on the video. Too tired to even care really. You were frustrated that you weren’t in the Genius Lab. He swung his hands back and forth continuing to grace you with his smile, then you realized he probably wanted to be alone. “I’m sorry, Jimin. You probably want to use this studio to practice. I should go. It’s late.” You nodded moving to your things. “No, please stay.” Jimin started almost pleading a bit. You raised an eyebrow at him as he started to chuckle. “I couldn’t sleep so I decided to get some practice in. This is my favorite dance room.” He commented his shoulders pressing against his neck before dropping down. You nodded before sighing. You had been down the same road he was on before. “I could help you with the dance if you want," Jimin suggested. “That would be so great.” You gushed. There you go speaking without thinking again. You gave an awkward laugh before putting your fingers in your hair, “I mean…if you don’t mind.”“I offered…and you’re lucky it was me and not Hoseok-hyung. He’s a strict teacher.” Jimin visibly cringed. Jimin walked to the system and restarted the song, getting in his place for the formation. The two of you danced together – him even going so far as to play the part of the person on the other end of the call. You couldn't help but snicker with your arms in the air being the back side of the house. He gave you great instructions, helping you really understand the movement. Jimin slowed it down and talked you through the part with the hands over the eyes with the thrusts and rolls. It was amazing to watch him work up close, so much better than the videos you used to watch. The sound of your text tone comes through the speakers. Jimin gave you a small smile and a head nod as permission to go look. You move over to your phone and see Yoongi’s name. Dread sets in. You look at Jimin quickly wishing he wasn’t looking at you. |Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: Are you not feeling well? You’re late. Oh no! Shit! You should've listened to your gut! You had lessons today. Dammit. You bite your bottom lip trying to figure out how to explain to Jimin. Especially since he took the time to help you get the dance down better. And because you couldn’t exactly tell him where you were going. “Jimin, I am so sorry. I forgot about a prior engagement I had.” You mummer while bowing at Jimin. Then you started to gather your things before heading out the door. “A prior engagement, at two something in the morning?” He chuckled while walking to the stereo attaching his own phone, “You must be meeting your boyfriend.” You froze in the middle of the dance studio before your loud laugh came tumbling out of your mouth. Boyfriend? Min Yoongi! If only Jimin knew how funny that was. You turned around shaking your head, walking backward out of the door. “I’m not meeting my boyfriend. And if only knew you who I was meeting you’d agree.” You laughed harder. “So, you should tell me.” The dancer quipped, smirking with his arms crossed over his chest. “I’ll tell you…when you become Jin-oppas height.” You winked rushing out of the dance room. He chased you to the threshold before yelling, “That’s not nice, Y/N-ah!” Rushing down the hallways of BigHit you make your way to the studio to see the main door propped open with a black hoodie. You open the door all the way before picking it up and rushing to the Genius Lab. You knocked once before the door swung open. Yoongi stood there his black button-down shirt tucked into his skinny gray jeans. It was strange, but he looked slightly concerned. His starry eyes were large as his shoulders loosened and he exhaled. Then his pale face relaxed as he started to retreat into his sanctuary. “You’re late, trainee…” He sighed, rubbing his eyes. The eyeliner smutched giving him a smoky look on his left eye. Tossing him the hoodie you take your seat, “Sorry, Suga-seonbae. I didn’t know if we were doing lessons or not today. I couldn’t sleep so I was just practicing my dancing.” Why did you tell him all of that? He didn’t ask what you were doing or why you got here so fast. Yoongi frowned a bit before sitting beside you then looking at his phone. “Why didn’t you text me? You’re the one who was so adamant about getting it.” Yeah! Why didn’t you just text him? Ugh. This was so frustrating. You paused and pursed your lips before crossing one leg over the other. He looked up at you his eyebrows raised waiting for you to answer. “I guess…” You started, “I didn’t want to bug you or abuse the privilege of having your number.” Yoongi snorted before one of his big smiles appeared on his face, “Abuse the privilege? Aww, Trainee, I didn’t realize you cared about my privacy. Especially when this all started because you barged your way in here.” He reached over and pinched your cheek. “Stop.” You barked, pushing him off. “I simply don’t want to make you feel…I guess…I don’t know…Like you made a bad decision in trusting me with your number.” Your skin tingled where his fingertips made contact. You rubbed your cheek before glancing over at him once more. Yoongi licked the corner of his lips and smiled gently while scratching his eyebrow. He hummed. Heat in your stomach appeared as you looked away taking a deep breath to slow your heart rate. It was beating like crazy. Why was your heart thumping like that? You shook your head before going into your bag and starting to grab some of your things. “No English today. All studio.” The grin on your face made your cheeks hurt. This was the best news that you heard! All studio! No English! ‘Oh, Happy Day’ started to play in your mind as Yoongi got up and started to instruct you. The rapper taught some new techniques for the console the whole hour. What excited you the most was he put on a song he scrapped a few months ago and asked you to pull up certain parts of it. It was a lovely piece of music, you weren’t sure why he stopped working on it, but it really wasn’t your place to ask. Yoongi stopped and smiled gently nodding his head. You stood up grabbing your bag giving him finger guns before starting to walk out the door. “Where are you going?” He questioned. You paused and blinked before furrowing your brows. Where did he think you were going? You were going home. “Back to my dorm so I can get a bit of rest before dance.” You answered hoping to satisfy him. The idol hummed gently before grinning widely, “Are you hungry? I’m hungry. Wanna get breakfast?” Nothing you could’ve done would have stopped the grimace that appeared on your face. No, you did not want to get breakfast with Min Yoongi at whatever time it was. Why was he asking you? And where would he go to get breakfast at this hour? And wasn’t he afraid to be seen by fans? This morning was weird. “Thank you for the offer…” You say gently, “But I’m going to pass.” “C’mon, trainee. Everybody needs to eat.” Yoongi smiled while picking up his black bag. He rummaged through there for a second before putting a black mask on. “You enjoy breakfast. I don’t want to go.” You answered turning to leave. You pushed the door open. “Your loss.” He commented from behind. The two of you walked out of the hallway before going in opposite directions. Your stomach growled loudly and sped up hoping he didn’t hear it. During dance class is the only time you regret not getting breakfast. You were so hungry, but your instructor commented on your improvement of the dance. You’d have to thank Jimin somehow – but you didn’t really know much about him besides he likes to dance. Maybe Marina could help you figure something out. Yoonsook and Hosung sat before you at lunch. You usually hate being the third wheel but watching the two of them being so awkwardly cute made it worth it. She would move a blush slowly pressing against her cheeks, and he would shift in his seat with her. He would make a joke, and even if it was not funny, she'd laugh. So, this is what other people thought of you and your ex. It was disgusting. It was everything. Your phone vibrated next to you. |TAE: You are adorable doing the I LIKE IT part 2 dance. Just like that your good mood was gone. You couldn’t believe that Jimin sent it to Tae. Okay, you could believe that he sent it to Tae, but WHY did he send it to Tae. What was the purpose? Ugh, this was so embarrassing. You were glad that he only sent it to Tae, but still. You sighed hard and shook your head. |YN: How many people will be upset over Jimin’s death?|TAE: Don’t say that. He’s super proud and impressed with you.|YN: I asked him to delete it…
|TAE: Bad news then...he sent it to the group chat. There was no word for what you were feeling, but it was a mixture of anger and fear. Anger because why the hell did Jimin have to go and send a video of you dancing to the group chat? Fear because holy shit you did not want any of Bangtan seeing you dance so poorly and not to one of their songs. You rub your temples as your text tone went off again. "You are popular today, Y/N-ssi," Hosung said then coughed as you glared at him. “Oh, don’t mind her.” Yoonsook grinned before chewing on her lettuce. Without a word you stood up and threw your trash away. Yoonsook calls out to you as you ignore her heading somewhere so you wouldn’t let your anger get the best of you. But it does. Your blood was boiling. You were fuming. Jimin had no right to take video of you like that nor send it to the group. It was beyond embarrassing. You should’ve fought harder to have him delete it this morning. What would Yoongi think? Ugh! Would he think you were doing justice to his part? You were so angry that you didn’t realize that you walked back to the studios. You stood there and groaned louder. What was Jimin’s purpose in sending it to the group chat? You eye the door again wondering who was back there before turning your heel and heading anywhere but where you were. Yoongi was probably laughing so hard tears were falling out of his eyes watching the video. A vision of him doubled over rolling on the floor bounced against the sides of your skull. The studio door opens behind you as you turn to look to see who was exciting. Kim Namjoon was face deep in his phone looking at something with high intensity. He smiled gently at it and exhaled shoving his hand into his pocket. His thumb moves quickly, and he bites his bottom lip letting out a short chuckle. He mumbles something that sounds like ‘cute’ while typing something before he looks up. His smile is bright then when he sees you, it gets slightly wider. You frowned. “Ah…uh…” Namjoon coughed and shoved his phone in his pockets quickly walking to you, “Hey, Y/N-ah. What are you doing here? “Does that question ever get old?” You groaned. He raised an eyebrow and smirked leaning against the wall. “Someone’s not the cheery trainee that I know them to be.” “Yeah well. I feel like I have every right not to be a cheery trainee.” You look at him, then heat hits your cheeks hard as you remember that Namjoon has the video and probably watched it at some point today. You swallow looking at your feet, “But yeah. I gotta go. Uh…” "Uh?" Namjoon questioned taking a step closer to you. You looked up took a quick deep breath before coughing yourself and moving back. He had gotten close to your bubble, much closer than you were ready for. Yet, you don't change your stance. “Yeah. Uh.” You sighed back, “I’m just irritated at someone doing something that they shouldn’t have done. That’s all.” Your words were curt and tight. Namjoon’s warm eyes got big as he snickered. “Do you want me to punish that someone for doing that something they shouldn’t have done?” His deep voice slid over you, piercing your stomach. The butterflies appeared as you swallowed. You clenched your teeth and looked down from his chocolate eyes. “I..uh…" He started, flustered, "I mean…uh…whatever it is…I can have…uh…yeah…yeah. Tell me what you need." He nodded and took a step back his ordinarily tan face covered with a faint crimson. “I’m…good…” You breathed the heat growing in your cheeks and on top of your ears. You hated when you blushed for no reason. Namjoon smiled tightly and nodded,“Alright, Y/N-ah. Have a nice day.”“Okay…” You muttered watching him leave. When he turned the corner, you leaned against the wall and put your hand on your forehead fanning yourself. You got so hot suddenly when you were talking to him, and even though he was wearing a t-shirt and some jeans, he looked really handsome today.
As much as you tried not to, you were still angry when you made your way to the Genius lab the next morning. You hardly slept because of the nightmares that plagued you. It was a pure terror. Bangtan watching your video over an over laughing hard. They would fall ontop one another pointing, getting louder and louder. Their cackles infuriating against your ears. Jin’s laugh was the loudest, mostly because it was the one you could identify the easiest. Their laughter over and over again in your head was the worst type of torture. That was your version of hell. Yoongi left another item to allow you easy access, this time it was an empty notebook. It was probably because he was too lazy to come to the main entrance. That's three doors for him. You grabbed it before making your way to his studio. He opened up the door with a slight smile, you huffed and walked in. Irritation flowed off of you like a river, and he merely looked at you, his slender body drowning in a black hoodie similar to yours. He gave you a look that read do you want to talk about it. It's a soft face, with a slightly raised eyebrow. You answer back with hard eyes and sit on the couch as if you didn't have any energy to stand. He waits for you to start the lesson, but no words come out of your mouth. He huffs and rolls his eyes, asking you again with his pale face and eyes full of stars if you want to talk about it. You give him a knowing look. Of course, you don't want to talk about it. Then his face said then you can leave, it's all edges and closed eyes. It ticked you off, even more, making you explode off the couch and glaring daggers at him. You’re not sure at what point you learned how to speak his language filled with blank stares and raised eyebrows. Nor are you sure when he learned your language of faraway looks and tight smiles. But you spoke each other's language and were using that to argue silently in his Genius lab. You rolled your eyes at him and kneeled down going through your back to get your English supplies. He raised an eyebrow smirking, conveying ‘oh is that what you're doing now?' It makes you angrier, but then you just huff pushing him gently before sitting in your chair. “I’m fine.” You mumble, lying. “No, you’re not.” He sighed, playing with his dangling earring, “If you don’t want to talk about it that’s fine – but can you not stomp in here like you own the place.” You groan in response, rubbing your temples. “Why the heck did Jimin have to send you guys the video?” “Taehyung told you, huh?” He chuckled, “I told Jimin you weren’t gonna like it if we all had the video.” Your mouth falls open as you find no words to say. Yoongi sat in the chair beside you crossing his legs before smiling brightly. “Jimin found me back at the dorm and showed me the video of you dancing. He was literally giddy from it. Your imitation of me is getting better, trainee.” He commented his lips in a smirk. “Kept calling you his little sister, which sent made Tae prouder.” “Would Bangtan really be so bad without a member? I could sneak in the dorm, put a pillow over his face. His murder would be merciful.” You groaned, putting your face in your hands. “You can’t murder a member of my group…” Yoongi laughed, “But honestly, you didn’t do as bad as you thought.” His warm hand connects with your back as he rubs gently. He pats you three times before taking his hand back, leaving that part of you cold. Yoongi was trying to make you feel better. That was kind of him. It was also super weird for him. You peaked at him through the slits of your fingers and saw him grinning at you. Your hands dropped as you looked at him confusion still on your face. “Are you feeling well?” You mutter slowly. He rolls his eyes and leans back in his chair looking away from you. You appreciated the kindness, so much. But it was different from him, and honestly, it made you feel strange. “I’m fine, trainee.” He scratched his eyebrow then his eyes darted back to you. Yoongi took a slight breath and looked at you blankly. You nodded and covered your eyes with your hands. It was time for English lessons. Where he touched you slowly morphed from cold to a gentle tingle. And fuck if you’d let him know it made you feel better. As Yoongi’s phone buzzes he does that little nod once he finishes speaking. His tongue darts out wetting his bottom lip before he takes a deep breath. For once your head isn’t dizzy with information after a lesson, and you feel like you are really starting to understand it. You stand up and grab your things. “C’mon.” He announced, throwing on a facemask and a cap. You raise an eyebrow at him and blink slowly. “Come on where?” “I’m hungry. You are probably hungry. C’mon.”You laughed hard, holding your stomach. “Wow. I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I don’t want to go with you.”"If it were Tae you'd go." He whined. The sound was unexpected. Min Yoongi whining to you. You scratched the side of your nose before playing with your edges.“Tae and I are friends.” You reply with a chuckle, slinging your bag over your shoulder. Yoongi looked at you blankly.“We are friends.” Yoongi said it was such an endearing way you thought for a moment that he was honest. You tucked your lips into your mouth, looking at your feet. You didn't want to laugh at him if he was serious. He couldn't be serious. You looked up, and he was now standing there with his arms crossed over his chest. “We can’t be friends.” Your voice was breathy trying to keep your laughs in check, “As I recall didn’t you say something about I am your hubae, you are my seonbae…we are not friends.” “Then for right now. Be my friend.” The warmth in your stomach bloomed from his words and travels up making it hard to breathe. You swallow and give a short nod before looking away, crossing your arms over your chest. "Yeah. Fine. Whatever." From the corner of your mouth, you see him smile slightly. Your heart was beating so loudly you barely can hear him tell you about this little hole-in-the-wall that he loves to go to when he has time too. You guess that Min wasn't so motionless. How Yoongi managed to find a quiet little diner in the middle of Seoul was beyond you. You had so many questions while walking with him to the location. When did he have the time to find it? Was this a hideout of his from his pre-debut days? Luckily, it wasn't that far. Plus, walking with him at night wasn't like walking with Namjoon, but it was lovely all the same. When the two of you finally reach it, it’s a little hole in the wall looking place in an alleyway. The only sign that there was a restaurant was a red awning over the door that said ‘Moon Grill.’ Yoongi walked through the door first. It was a medium-sized restaurant with booths around the parameter and tables in the middle. The counter was right by the door, covered in light green. There wasn’t a soul in there at 3:00 AM except for the owner behind the main counter. Yoongi pulled down his face mask grinning at the old woman behind the counter. Her skin was soft and weathered. Her white and gray hair was in a tight bun at the nape of her neck. She clapped her hands together before rubbing them on the red apron and walking around to greet the idol. “Ajumma!” He chuckled opening his arms for a hug. Your mouth parted slightly watching Ajumma hug him, coming to his armpit. She reached up and put her hands on his cheeks, pulling his face down to put her forehead on his. The affection that Yoongi had for her astounded you, it also lets you see another side of your seonbae. Aside from that, you're sure not many understand. "You haven't been eating, Yoongi! You are getting too skinny. I see you on TV and shake my head." She cried patting his cheek before letting him go. You couldn't stop yourself from grinning. It was more than adorable to see him be scolded by his elder. Yoongi shrugged while mumbling, “Ajumma, you know I have to stay thin.” He grinned at her, “But, I came to get the best food in Seoul.” The granny’s cloudy eyes glanced over to your direction. “And who is this? You bring me another stray?” You smiled wide before bowing at her deeply, “She’s a cute stray though. She looks like a lion with hair like that.” Granny hobbled over to you as Yoongi stretched his hand out grimacing. “So, little stray, can you understand me, or can I speak freely about you?” “I can, and you can. I have a feeling me understanding wouldn’t stop you.” You offered, grinning widely. Granny's eyes went wide when she looked over her shoulder at Yoongi. "I like her. She can stay. Take any table. As you see we are swamped." She chuckled hobbling to the back. As she passed him, she tapped his shoulder affectionately and disappeared behind a white curtain. You had so many questions for your seonbae. Yoongi looked you up and down sighing. Nothing could wipe your shit-eating grin off your face. This was the most significant thing you'd ever witnessed in your life. Min Yoongi was secretly a softie. Oh, you were never going to let him live this down. He gestured to an empty booth near the back of the establishment. You sat down with your body facing the door, he slid in across from you. The menus on the table were the plastic kind that reminds you of diners back at home. Somethings must be universal. You open it expecting to see all types of Korean food. But on the right-hand side of the menu was American fare. Your heart swelled looking at pictures of pancakes, bacon, eggs, hash browns. You didn't even know how much you missed American breakfast foods until you saw it was within your reach. You look at Yoongi over the top your menu, watching his eyes skim back and forth as the two little circular rings attached to his hat moved gently. He looked up quickly, the skin around his eyes crinkling slightly from a smile. You return it putting your menu down. “How’d you meet ajumma?” You asked, thoroughly amused by that whole interaction. He rolled his eyes and kept looking at the menu. “I came to feed you not answer questions.” He sighed. You frowned and pushed down the plastic paper he was holding while shaking your head. “Nope. You came here to feed yourself. I’m just a hapless friend in all of this.” You couldn’t help yourself from stressing the word ‘friend.’ If you and Min Yoongi were to be friends right now, then friends answer questions. “You. Hapless?” Yoongi snorted before taking off his hat and the facemask altogether. “Yep, I, the young sweet American, was swept away by the cool, charming idol to…” You paused to look around the diner before laughing for a few moments, “Eat breakfast.” “Alert twitter.” He sassed with a smirk. “But really, you and she are close. You have to tell me. Then you can ask me anything deal?” Yoongi stared at you blankly before exhaling. He put his fingers through his hair scratching his scalp as his tongue went back and forth over his lips. “Okay.” He started folding his arms over his chest, “When I first started idol training I didn’t have a lot of money. I was doing deliveries for the newspaper back and forth. I got hit by a car and messed up my shoulder. A few weeks after that I was just walking around and found this place. Ajumma saw me outside and told me to come in. She fed me. I told her I didn't have any money and she said," He paused to chuckle, "'Did I ask you for any money?!' I came back often, I helped with the store when I could. She took care of me when I thought I didn't deserve anyone's care. When I got my first check, I came here and paid her for all the food I ate." The idol sitting before you smiled once he was finished speaking and ended on a nod. You didn't realize you started to lean across the table. You breathed wow before smiling at him brightly. “That’s so amazing, Suga-seonbae.” You beamed. His smile became wider with a dusting of red on his cheeks. He coughed gently before crossing his legs under the table. Yoongi’s starry eyes sparkled as the two of you looked at each other. Your breath caught in your chest again and instead of your stomach being warm, your whole body felt hot. As if you would combust at any moment. The voice coming from the end of the table made you jump. You sat back in your seat with your hands over your heart looking at the waiter. He looked so bored. He must be ajumma’s nephew or another male family member, he had her nose. He asked what you and Yoongi wanted to eat. The idol looked at you for you to go first. You asked for pancakes, bacon, hash browns, scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese. Yoongi tried to hide his disgust that was masked as a frown but you ignored it. Yoongi ordered a stew, and with that, the man walked away. “I didn’t even see him come up.” You mutter to yourself under your breath. Yoongi chuckles and tilts his head slightly. “So, I can ask you anything.” He says slowly. “Within reason.” You answer scrunching up your nose trying to figure out where he was going to go with that opening statement. “Why don’t you want to be an idol?” You narrow your eyes on him, and your face scrunches up more in confusion. You and he have been over this. Stage fright. That's why you don't want to be an idol. Plus…all of those fans. You take a deep breath interlacing your fingers on the table. "Because I have stage fright remember. You were at the exhibition. And plus, fans are too much." You respond, hoping that fulfilled his question. He shook his head and leaned on his fist. “No. The real reason you don’t want to be an idol. It’s a lot of work to even get into a company so, for you to make it this far just to be a producer. Seems counterproductive. Plus, you could’ve told Bang PD-nim at any point now that you just want to produce. What is the real reason you don’t want to be an idol.” Min Yoongi already has his fucking answer. Why was he acting like there was a reason deeper or more than this? There wasn't any. You merely just didn't want to sing for crowds, dance, or any of that. Your stomach tightened up as you looked at your knuckles. You wished there was water on the table so you could take a sip. The more Yoongi looked at you, the more uncomfortable you became. “I don’t want to be an idol because I’m scared.” You whisper, but it sounds so loud to you. You can’t look up to meet his eyes, “Just because I’ve gotten this far doesn’t mean I’ll be accepted by Korean society. Hell, I’m barely accepted by American society. You try growing up adopted with a mother who does not look like you.” You look up at him hating at his eye were so endless, “I want to be a part of K-Pop, any means necessary. But I know one day this dream will end. So, I’ll produce music for the idols that helped me during my darkest times to help others through theirs.” Time stood still between the two of you until Yoongi nodded slowly. He sat up and tucked his arms over his chest again.
“Okay.” He said. “It’s okay to be scared. This world is a terrifying place, but if you let it stop you before you start then you let it beat you. Is that who you are, Y/N-ah? Will you let fear and the world stop you?” Yoongi hit a hidden nerve. One tucked under years of you ignoring it. One ‘friendly’ chat and you’re all exposed. Your eye welled up as you took in a ragged breath. This was not how breakfast was supposed to go between friends. It was not supposed to start with tears before you got your pancakes. You took the sleeve of your hoodie and pressed it against the wetness of your eyes. You can’t answer him as the waiter comes back with your food. You don’t start eating, just looking at the black fabric of your leggings. "If this is your idea of friendship, I'm glad this is a limited time only deal." You sigh, taking a deep breath to relax you. You needed those moments to put yourself back together again. He had cracked through you so quickly. It terrified you. His chuckle presses against your ear. "I'm sorry." He whispered. You look up at him, and his smile was still warm. "I didn't mean to make you cry." “You didn’t.” You snap, picking up your utensil, “I had something in my eye.” You stab at your pancakes until you have a piece that’s small enough to chew. The pale idol's grin was full as he put the spoon in his stew, puckering his lips to blow some of the eat. You watch him eat for a few, and he does the same. He sets down his spoon and raises an eyebrow at you. “Can I ask you another question.” “Not if it’s like the first.” You answer with your mouth full, putting your hand up to shield him from any pieces of flying breakfast foods. “No, no. Jin-hyung would be very unhappy to hear that I made you cry twice. Unless they were happy tears.” “In what universe would you make me cry happy tears.” You grumbled. Yoongi’s face lit up for a second a smirk appearing. But there was no answer. You sighed, “Yes, ask away.” “You said you were adopted, and your mother doesn’t look like you. What does she look like and what happened to your biological parents?” He wondered, his voice timid as if he wasn’t sure he should ask this. You were much more comfortable answering this question than your reasoning on being an idol. It still bothered you. You chewed your last bit of food before grabbing your phone.
“Lemme show you a picture.” You began. You unlocked it and went to your photo app scrolling through random selfies, usies, nature photos, random photos until you got to the picture you were looking for. It was the day you and momma left for Korea. Momma was behind you, whips of dark hair falling into her almond eyes. Your arms were wrapped around Kevin and Marina, whos face was blotchy with tears. “This. Is my family, Suga-seonbae. That is my mother, Linda. My parents died in a car accident.” You swallow taking a deep breath trying not to let their loss effect you, still slightly fragile from the earlier question. It had been a very long time since you allowed yourself to think of or your biological parents. You could barely remember the way she looked. Your mother was now just an outline of beauty almost like a figment of your imagination. Your father was all but gone, but the low timbre of his voice and the tickle of his coarse mustache on your cheek. Your biological parents. "Momma took care of me immediately after it happened. My parents and my momma were excellent friends." You continue. You don’t talk about this often. Not that many people ask honestly. Once they see that your mom was not the same race as you that was enough strangeness for them. But he asked. And answering questions is something friends did. “That’s Kevin, my little brother. And Marina –” "The one who's ARMY," Yoongi interjected. Your eyebrows touched your edges in disbelief. He remembered that from the dinner. You were generally impressed and honored that he didn't forget. "Yeah, she's ARMY. Marina is technically older than me. But she was adopted after me, so I'm sorta like her big sister. Kevin was adopted too.” “Do they all speak Korean?” He asked taking your phone from your hand. You shook your head. “No. Just me. And momma loves to tell stories about how hard it was for her to teach me.” You laughed throwing your hands in the air before putting one finger out wagging it in Yoongi’s direction, an imitation of your mother, “’It’s not yeah, Bunny. It’s yeAH.’ ‘No, no. That’s not right. The symbol is this, Bunny.’” You were nearly in tears from laughter remembering all of the fun times you and your mother had. Yoongi was laughing along with you. You put your hand up, “Wait! And the reason that my other siblings don’t know Korean is because she had such a hard time teaching me!” “Do they know that?” Yoongi croaked his eyes wide with disbelief. “No!” You cackled hitting the table over and over. He threw his head back against the booth laughing even louder. Yoongi put his hands out shaking them back and forth trying to catch his breath. “One more question.” He wheezed in-between laughs. You nodded at him to continue your laughter turning to a gentle giggle, “Why Bunny?” He was referring to the nickname your mother called you. You put your fingers in your curls and pulled them before your eyes, "You ever see me when I have two buns on the top of my head?" Yoongi nodded, "Well. When I was little, my momma said I was so small that the buns look like bunny ears. So, Bunny. Or BunBun when I was bad.” “Bunny, huh?” He said slowly, the rasp in his voice coming out. Your spine tingled as you clenched your jaw. Yoongi smirked and licked his bottom lip before raising his eyebrows at you. “It’s cute.” “Ha. Ha. Ha. But honestly, anything is better than trainee at this point.” You muse, mostly to yourself. “Okay. I’ll call you Bunny then. And BunBun when you are bad.” “No. I’ll take trainee back actually. Thank you.” You pleaded. “Too bad.” He paused, “Bunny.” Every time he said it your body got hotter. You did set yourself up for this if you were honest. But it was better than trainee. The two of you finished your food while still talking. Yoongi asked you more questions about your family, about Marina, your birthday. You asked him about favorite musicians, dream collaborations. Your jaw about hit the floor when he said Janet Jackson. By the time you look at your phone three hours had passed, the food had gone cold. Yours half ate, aside from the bacon which Yoongi had stolen from your plate. You looked at him while chuckling, sliding your phone over to him to show him the time. He sighed and shook his head before going into his back pocket and grabbing some money. You tried to pay for your share, but he said that this is what friends do for each other. You thanked him as both of you got up from the table. Ajumma came out from the back like a magic spell complaining that it was too much and that the only way to make up for the overpayment was if Yoongi came for more visits. He agreed. Then Ajumma said, “Take care of the little lion, Yoongi. Or else she’ll get skinny like you.” Ajumma smiled at you. You bowed at her only to hide your embarrassment. You didn’t need anyone to take care of you. “I will, Ajumma.” Yoongi hummed, “She’s my friend.” His beautiful starry eyes shined while looking at you. There goes all the oxygen in the room again. You looked away out the window watching the sun start to peak over the horizon. Yoongi walked you back to your dorm, the silence beautiful and gentle between you. When you make it back to your dorm, with about 30 minutes to spare for you to change and run to your dance class. “Thanks.” You announce shoving your hands in your pockets, “This was fun.” "Yeah." He agreed his facemask under his chin. You swallowed and moved your lips from side to side. You put your hand on the gate about to head inside, but it feels like more words should be said. Something to be done. It was awkward but exhilarating. “Guess, we’re back to huebae and seonbae huh?” The words roll out of your mouth and into the open air without a care. Why would you even ask that? What does it matter? You look at Yoongi waiting for his answer. He started to smirk as he pulled up his mask. “See you around, trainee.” He said turning to walk to his own dorm. There was your answer. You nod and push through the gate while trying to push down the slight empty feeling you have. You didn’t want to be friends with him anyway. Your footsteps sound loud across the concrete leading up to the main door of your dorm. “Aye! Don’t be late tomorrow, Bunny! And bring lamb skewers!” Yoongi cried from a bit away. You didn't even realize it, but you ran back to the gate and peeked out to see him walking backward, facemask down. Min Yoongi's grin was gummy and big and bright. You shake your head and step back to the main dorm chewing on the inside of your cheek. There was no reason for you to be this happy over that. But you were. Asshole. Didn’t he know how hard it was to get lamb skewers at 2am?
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
To say that your sun rises with Min Yoongi is an overstatement that unfortunately is entirely true. Your sun rises with a grumpy rapper, and you hate yourself a little bit for it. Actually, you hate yourself a lot for it. If you were honest, after “The Breakfast” things felt different between the two of you. Not different as in suddenly now you're in love with the man but different like suddenly he's texting you and sending you memes at an alarming rate. And at a disturbing hour. Your sun literally rises with Min Yoongi because he texts you to make sure you get up. As. The. Sun Rises. For weeks he’s been doing this. You’re not sure why he decided to make sure you were up and Adam and ready to go for the day, but it seems like a lot of work for someone who needed to focus on their own stuff. At first, it was sweet. Adorable even. But then it kept happening. You supposed it was kind of your fault. You mentioned to him, as you were walking out after a lesson a while ago, how hard it was for you to wake up and go to dance class. Then you said you weren't complaining. He merely did that slight pout nod, and you left. Now, Min Yoongi is your personal, unneeded wake-up text. Sadly, you've begun to anticipate it. You could be dead asleep after a lesson, and your eyes would pop open. A few seconds later the tone would come through. Today, you kept your eyes closed praying Yoongi wouldn't text you. It felt like you just left his studio five minutes ago as the phone went off. One time you tried not responding, but then your phone sounded like it was going to explode from the buzzing coming from it. You learned your lesson. You unlocked the phone seeing his name. Why did you want his number again! |Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: Get up.|Y/N: I’m up. Stop texting me this early!|Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: Don’t you have dance soon?|Y/N: Fridays are my free days. Now let me go back to sleep. You place the phone on your chest, knowing there was going to be another text tone coming through in a few seconds. It vibrated against you as you sat up, your satin bonnet next to you in the bed. |Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: Didn’t know|Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: *Kanye shrug gif* There are three dots at the bottom of your screen as you sigh, rubbing your eyes. Apparently just because Yoongi sleeps random hours it meant that you did now too. Mental note to remind him that's not what friendship is. |Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: Remind me to tell you something on Monday|Y/N: Just tell me now Min Yoongi was good at reading you. Better than you'd ever admit but he couldn't know that your biggest pet peeve in life was when people teased information before you like a carrot. There was nothing worse than someone saying ‘Oh, I have something to tell you.' Then saying…'I can't tell you now.' Well, why the hell not? There's no time like the present. You groan before flipping back your covers and letting your fingers run across your screen. |Y/N: Please. You'd try the gentle approach to get the information. The one that would catch Yoongi off guard. He's used to your flippant words and busting down through walls. But nice you? He didn't get much of her. |Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: Bunny. Are you trying to butter me up?
A huff comes out of your mouth as you exit your bedroom wearing only a pair of spandex shorts and T-Shirt. Unsurprisingly, Yoonsook was sat at the table pouring cereal into her bowl. Lucky Charms. She looked up at you with a grin her hair all over her head. “How long have you been up?” You murmured while sliding into the seat across from her covering your mouth from a yawn. “Not long. Do you want a bowl?” You nodded and took the time that she got up to reply to your seonbae. |Y/N: No unless it worked. Then yes. The clink of the bowl being sat near you pulls you from your phone. You mutter your thanks as you grab the milk and sugary cereal. Your phone buzzed as you continue to fix breakfast. Yoonsook frowned somewhat looking at you. “Who’s texting you so early in the morning?” “Is 7am early?” You mused, trying to get the questions to stop before they really began. Yoonsook nodded her eyes narrowing at on you. “You are never up at 7am on Fridays.” “I know.” The phone buzzed again. You shoved a spoonful in your mouth picking it up. |Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: It didn’t.|Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: Nice try though You snorted, smirking to yourself. You’ll have to try a bit harder. “Who ya texting?” Yoonsook asked again leaning on her fists. You put another spoonful of cereal in your mouth chewing it slowly, so you don’t have to answer. You look up from your phone at her. “A friend.” “A friend?” She teased, “I’ve never seen you smile and snort so much from a friend.” "Yeah…well, this friend is particularly hilarious right now." Hilarious was not the word you were looking for. Frustrating. Annoying. Grating on your nerves. She nodded slowly before eating more of her breakfast. You were waiting for another text, but it didn't look like one was going to come. You set the phone face down on the table slightly disappointed. Yoonsook peered at you over her bowl, as if staring at you was going to release the secrets she was trying to get out. You purse your lips and set your spoon down. She started to hum. "What, Sookie?" She kept humming, her dark eyes looking over you with a slight smile. As long as the two of you have lived together, you thought that she was past staring, but it was growing tiresome. “You just look happy. Really happy.” Your roommate announced before picking up her dishes and tossing them into the sink. “What’s your point?” You ask with a mouth full of milk and cereal. She grimaces making you nearly choke. “I think it’s good that you are finding someone to make you happy is all.” You open your eyes wide as your mouth parts a bit. You start to come up with one hundred reasons why Min Yoongi did not make you happy. Then you realized that you’d be showing your hand. As far as Yoonsook knew still, he was teaching you. Nothing more, nothing less. And there was nothing more! You scowled putting more food in your mouth. Then as if you have a screen on your head showing your thoughts Yoonsook asks, “How are your lessons going with Yoongi.” “Fine!” You blurt swallowing. Yoonsook raises an eyebrow sitting back down her smile wide across her face. “Why’d you say it like that?” “Like what? It’s fine. He’s teaching me. I’m teaching him. I haven’t been kicked out. Speaking of – have you noticed people have started to go missing?” You questioned trying to pivot Yoonsook to a different topic. Her dark eyes narrow on you as she nods, "Yes. About 20 people have been let go from the program. But back to lessons…" “Twenty people!” You gasped cutting her off. When did all of those people leave? You know you’ve been pretty absorbed the last two and a half months since the exhibition but Christ! You only noticed it because your dance class and your weekly piano class had gotten smaller. “Do you think they put bags over people’s heads or is it a memory wipe?” “I can’t stand you.” Yoonsook groaned, rubbing her temples. You grinned at her as you got up to put your dishes away. “What have you been doing since the exhibition? Didn’t you notice?” "Yeah – yesterday I noticed…but like I donno…between hanging out with Tae and you. Classes and my lessons. Oh, finishing up a few songs," You were proud of how Jin's Song turned out, which was now titled ‘Scratch Back.’ “…I guess time got away from me.” Yoonsook looked like she’s about to ask you another question and you had a feeling it was about who was making you so happy. You tell her that you’re gonna head to your room to write. She whines in response as you close the door on her. What have you been doing for the last few months? You sit down and let your mind wander from memory to memory. You chuckled as the time Jimin ran from you one night at Bangtan's dorm, it was right after the video incident. You insisted that you weren't going to hurt him…just bruise him a little, and where the cameras couldn't see. Jin scolded you for that. You weren't allowed in Bangtan's dorm for a week. Then there was the time that you and Yoongi were both just so exhausted neither of you wanted to teach. You didn’t want to go back to the dorm yet, and the two of you sat in perfect silence until he opened up a bag of chips. Before you could ask he held out one for you and you ate it straight from his fingers. Without thinking. Looking back, that could've been very weird for the both of you, but he kept feeding you. One for him, then one for you…until the bag was empty. Then he tried to shoot it into the garbage can. He missed. You claimed that you would not be calling him Suga-seonbae anymore because if his stage name really did mean shooting guard, then he was piss poor at it. OH! How could you forget about you and Jungkook and Tae at the grocery store? You fell back on your bed cackling out loud. You can't remember why you agreed to go to the store with them. You remembered sitting in the basket as Jungkook pushed you around the store fast as he could. There was nobody there but the shopkeeper, the only reason you even decided that it was a good idea to let Jungkook do that. Then Tae took a video of the shenanigans right as you tried to stand up in the basket. Jungkook made a sharp turn, and you fell over the side onto the linoleum floor your laughter filling up the whole place. Jin playing the guitar and Tae singing to it. It was so beautiful, it nearly brought tears to your eyes which Tae had to comment on. That was another good memory. Yoongi letting you listen to some music he's working on for himself. He wouldn't let you hear any of the lyrics, but you were honored that he trusted you that much. Hobi and you talking about some of your favorite books. He even lent you his copy of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Which, reminded you needed to actually read it… You scowled as your mind drifted to a specific memory about a week ago. Namjoon was walking you home, it wasn't even that late but as usual he demanded. The two of you weren't talking about anything significant at all then Marina FaceTimed you. You ignored it, and he wanted to know why. You said something along the lines of ‘I don’t want her to freak out and have her get the wrong idea seeing us together.' Then his hot chocolate eyes got large, and he asked what idea she was going to get. You rolled your eyes and kept walking. Namjoon then said, ‘Is it bad if people see us together.’ You laughed and said yes. You thought he was kidding around, but as you found out from the frown on his face and his huff as he left you at your dorm, he was not. You felt kind of sorry for making Namjoon upset. Even if you didn't know why he was upset. He did say you were family. And welcomed you into Bangtan's dorm with open arms. You should apologize or at least get some understanding. You swore under your breath groaning pulling your phone out texting Tae. |Y/N: My sweet bestest friend in all of Korea. … |TAE: Only Korea?|Y/N: The world?
|TAE: Much better. What’s up?|Y/N: Wanna help me make cookies? Although Tae couldn't come over until later, you went out and got the necessary items to make sugar cookies. You could've just gotten the pre-made kind, but those always taste like chemicals. And these were apology cookies. Not you don't give a fuck cookies. You had the ingredients – now you just need the person. The only reason Tae came to mind is that making cookies was a social thing, at least in your book. Momma had tried to get you to go into the kitchen with the rest of the kids and bake, but you were always too focused on music. And reaping the rewards of their baking. Plus, Yoonsook was gone with her boyfriend. Your phone’s ringtone sang through the dorm loud and clear. You picked it up seeing a Facetime from Marina. You clicked the green button grinning from ear to ear. “MarMar!” You giggle. Marina’s round face was bright and full of joy. You heard Kevin say hi off camera. “What are you doing?” She hummed leaning against her couch thousands of miles away from you. You scratched your scalp bouncing your eyebrows at her turning the camera around to show her the ingredients. Her loud gasp makes you turn back the phone with a frown. Marina looked at your face with surprise, “You made…cookies?” Kevin appeared in the frame pushing his cheeks against Marina’s as you shook your head. His dark eyes were wide with wonder. “Not yet. But I’m about too.” “Like. You’ve never even made us cookies. And we love you.” Kevin complained his eyes narrowing. You smirked before sitting down at the table. “Some days.” Marina teased. "Okay, you two, I get it. It's strange. I dunno. I made this guy –." “A GUY?” They both screamed. Maria’s was bright with pride. Kevin, on the other hand, looked disgusted. You let out a loud laugh at their faces. “What happened to Jason? I know you broke up, but I thought that he had a chance!” Kevin complained. “Jason had no chance. It’s just a guy. He’s nothing special.” You sigh starting to rub your temples.
“Special enough to get your cookie.” Your brother pestered while nudging Marina. She threw her head back her glee becoming distorted through the phone.
“You know what Steve Harvey says about cookies.” “Imma tell Momma to stop letting you watch so much daytime TV with her. Like, c’mon.” You retorted. They were making a bigger deal about these cookies than they needed too. “Tell me about him. Is he a trainee with you? OH! Is he an idol at a competing company! AH!” She screamed so loud you move the phone away from your face. Marina looked rabid, “Is it a member…of Bangtan?” “No. No. And this is not a KDrama." You sighed slightly wishing you didn't pick up the phone to talk to them. You definitely shouldn't have told you were about to make cookies. "Okay, so why are you making this mysterious man a batch of cookies?" Marina questioned. “Because I feel bad. I think I hurt his feelings?” “You think?” Kevin interjected. You stuck your tongue out at him, and he did the same. “He was walking me home the other night and asked if it was bad for the two of us to be seen together and I said yes.” “Wait. Some mysterious guy walks you home at night, and you hurt his feelings, and you are making him cookies.” Marina mused. Your face scrunched as you glared at her. “He’s not mysterious. He’s aggravating.” You snapped. Your siblings raised their eyebrows at you and laughed hard. “Almost as aggravating as the two of you!” "As a guy, Y/N, someone making cookies for you is kind of a big deal," Kevin smirked. “WHY?!” You groan, hearing someone knock on the door, “They are just cookies. I’m apologizing. Nothing more and nothing less. And honestly, now that I’m thinking about it…I don’t need to apologize because it would be bad if the two of us were seen together. I have company now I’ll talk to you later.” You groan. “Wait! Let us know how the proposal cookies go!” Marina howled as you hang up on her. As soon as the door opened, Tae wrapped his arms around you before jabbering about how one of the members of Bangtan taught him the secret way to get into the trainee dorms. You asked who, but he purposely ignored it walking right over to the table of ingredients. Tae grinned while running his fingers through his hair. You move over to him before hip checking him. Then you announced that it was time to make the cookies. Tae grimaced and scratched the back of his dark brown hair, playing with his headband. He didn’t look too confident about the whole baking situation. Then he looked at you with that bright smile you’ve grown to adore and asks you what you want him to do. Your face fell. The whole reason you asked for him to come was that you thought he'd be better at baking than you. You were very wrong. Between you trying to keep an eye on Tae and looking at the directions there was a mess all over your kitchen. Flour in your hair. Sugar on Tae. The first batch burned to hell. The second batch looked great, tasted terrible. Third times a charm though. The cookies came out soft, pillow-y and delicious. So yummy you had to set aside two separate containers because your cooking partner kept eating them. While you were cleaning Tae told you all about the RUN episode he was taping. He shuttered thinking back on some punishment he wouldn’t mention. Then he asked you why you were making cookies, as a one hung out of his mouth. You said offhandedly that they were for Namjoon and Tae's round eyes got large. For a moment it looked like Tae wanted to ask questions, but he just gave you a sweet smile. You asked him if he could deliver them to Namjoon for you. Tae raised an eyebrow playfully smirking at you. He said that it would mean more coming from you than from him. You rolled your eyes and sighed walking to your bedroom. You closed the door while yelling that you were going to get changed. No idols were going to see you in sweats covered in flour. While walking over to Bangtan’s dorm, you wondered what the front entrance of their place looked like. You knew they lived in this multi-million-dollar community where other rich people lived but what did the main door look like? Was there a guard there? Did the bright ARMY who found out where they live get a t-shirt for their effort? When Tae dropped you off at Namjoon’s dorm, he patted your shoulder gently and winked at you. Then he shuffled off to his own room. Anxiety started to course through your veins. Why were you even doing this? What was the point? Making cookies for an idol. You don’t make cookies for anyone. You swallowed and put your hand out to knock on the door. You stopped before you could make any sound still anxious. This was silly. Who cares why Namjoon was irritated or upset by what you said. You meant it! It would be wrong if you and he were seen together. You relax your shoulders and chew on the inside of your lip. If you bring it up now, he'll probably not have the slightest clue as to what you were talking about. But still, you were here. You knocked on his door and took a step back playing with the ends of your French braids. “Come in.” You walked into Namjoon's room with your hands behind your back, holding on to the bag of goodies you had for him. You forced yourself to smile to counter as the uncomfortable feeling started to make a home in your bones. It’s just your seonbae, Namjoon. That’s it…why did you feel so weird about apologizing. It must be because you still don’t know why he was mad. Namjoon laid on his bed, using his fist to keep his head propped. He had on a pair of black basketball shorts and a black tank top. His arms were much more defined than you thought they’d be. His dark hair was all over his face falling into the opaque circular wire-framed glasses. Very Harry Potter. Standing there, you waited for him to notice you. Then you cleared your throat. He glanced up from his phone, his eyes traveling up and down your body. You felt very self-conscious in your skinny black jeans and a gray shirt that you had tied in the back. You took in a shallow breath as Namjoon swallowed. He hopped up from his bed, shock on his face. He coughed gently. “Have I caught you at a bad time, RM-seonbae?” You tried to joke, but your voice came out weak and fragile. Namjoon looked a mess like he hadn’t moved from his bed all day. "Uh." Namjoon started then took a step to you, "Um…uh…" His face turned a soft red before he crossed his arms over his chest. This was awkward. Holy shit this was awkward. You sighed hard and licked your lips before dragging your teeth across the bottom one. "I just want—" "What do I –" You both start talking at the same time. You both let out a strained laugh. “You go…” “Guests first…” The words tumbled out of both of your mouths at the same time again. You groaned looking at him for what to do. Namjoon smirked and gestured for you to start first. “I just wanted to say…” You paused to swallow. Your mouth had suddenly gone dry. Just apologize. If you make a big deal about this, then he'll make a big deal about it., “I think I hurt your feelings when I saw you last…and I’m sorry…here…-” You thrust out the container of cookies. Namjoon’s warm eyes got large as he saw the confections. “Did you make these for me?” He sounded touched. He took four long strides to meet you and gingerly took them from you, his finger sliding against yours accidentally. Electricity shot through your body. “No.” You lied feeling the beginnings for a blush forming, “I wanted to make cookies today.” “You made cookies. Then you thought to bring them to me as an apology…” “Yep.” You tucked your arms behind your back again, trying to wipe off that sensation from where he touched you on accident. "You hurt my feelings, and I get gifts?" “Oh my God, you are looking too deep into it.” “Am I?” Namjoon chuckled. He brought his thumb up and rubbed his bottom lip, “I guess I’ll have to have hurt feelings more often, Kitten.” You groaned from the annoying pet name he refuses to stop calling you. Namjoon opened up the Tupperware to take out one of the cookies. He placed it in his mouth before taking a bite. Nerves coursed through your veins. What if they didn’t taste good to him? Ugh. Tae ate tons of them, but his taste was questionable. You had two and thought they were good, but you’d be mortified if Namjoon didn’t like him. He grinned and took another bite. “These are good! Thank you, Y/N-ah.” Then he took another step to you. You felt stuck in the spot you were in as if you suddenly grew roots. You pursed your lips and crossed your arms over your chest doing your damnest not to smile back at him. It was so infectious that grin of his. Namjoon smirked as you looked upward slightly to meet his eyes. “So, you’ve been thinking about me since the last time you saw me huh? A single butterfly appeared in your stomach. You clenched your jaw and balled up your fists taking deep breaths. Relax. Namjoon said it to goad you. Don't let him get to you. This is what he does. You exhaled to stifle down your groan. “No.” Namjoon’s smile became larger as his hot chocolate eyes glinted, “Then why out of the blue today are you giving me apology cookies?” “Literally was thinking back to some good times I’ve had recently and thought about our last encounter. That’s it.” Namjoon stared you down before putting his hands behind his head. He smiled while biting his bottom lip. You took a shallow breath your eyes going wide. This was not going to your plan at all. Now he thinks you’ve been thinking about him. He was sorely mistaken. You took another deep breath and tried to calm yourself down. You didn't come here to get angry, or whatever this feeling was. You came to apologize. “Our last encounter was a good memory? You hurt my feelings and its good for you?” “Ugh, this was a bad idea.” You sigh, putting your hands on your face. His deep laugh rang loud in the room as your irritation started to bubble. “Give me back the cookies. You don’t deserve them any longer.” “No! They are my cookies. You can’t just give someone a gift and then ask for it back.” “Then stop being annoying, Namjoon!” You growled your anger flaring. As his name slid out your mouth, your eyes opened wide at your mistake. Shit. You took a deep breath covering your mouth and bowing deeply. “I’m so sorry, RM-Seonbae. I…I...” Namjoon hummed. He straightened himself up as he crossed his arms over his chest. You've never felt small around him before, but right now you felt positively little. He cracked a smile as you tried to control your breathing. It was an accident. He can't be upset with you over using his actual name regardless of Korea's respectability politics. “I liked it.” Although he said it normally, in your ears it was slowed down. The way his full lips moved to form the word, the way his tongue pressed against his front teeth. Followed by that smirk and his dimples. Your mind went white when he said it. More butterflies materialized in your stomach and danced across your skin. You froze unsure what to say or do next. You took in a thin breath as your heart started beating again. Abort mission. Leave now. This is not good. Not good at all. You delivered the cookies. Now it was time to go. You took a step back throwing your thumb over your shoulder. “Cool.” You tried to say it flatly, but your voice squeaked slightly at the end, “Do you know if Jin-Oppa is here? You know what? I'll ask Tae. I've bothered you enough." Turning on your heel, you try to walk out of the room, but it's more like a quick trot. You glanced over your shoulder to see if Namjoon would follow you and he didn't. Your heart was still racing. You make your way down the hall to Tae's room, you see him on his bed playing some type of video game. You peek inside and ask him if he knows where Jin is. He gives you an unfocused answer, but it gets the job done. Once you find Jin's room, you knock on the door calling out to him sweetly. His equally sweetened voice welcomed you in. Jin's bedroom was probably your favorite of the ones you've been in. Your toes sunk into the plush cream carpet. He turned around from his computer with a wave. Shit. You don’t have a real reason to be here. You just needed to get away from Namjoon as quickly as possible. You still feel hot. “What?” He asked, “Why are you making that face?” "Uh…" You pause then you remembered you hadn't shown Jin the song you wrote. You quickened your steps to him. "I finished the song. Got some headphones?" “Yes! Hello to you too, Y/N-ah.” He snickered, turning back around. Jin opened up one of his drawers and grabbed his headphones. You pulled up the song on your phone. Jin placed the jack in and handed you the other bud. You took a deep breath hoping that he’d like the song. A beautiful piano melody started slowly, with a deep thump coming in after a few bars. Then your voice came through, “Curiosity killed the cat, but this kitty’s still living. Got nine lives and it’s the gift that keeps on giving. Won’t let you take my youth, cuz you stole my heart. Never should have trusted you from the start.”
“Yah!” Jin cried, pulling the earbud out. “This is what you made with my laugh? A breakup song.” "Oppa." You sighed trying not to laugh at him, "Lyrics can be changed and altered. You know this! I just wanted to know what you thought about it overall. I think I'm going to show it to Bang PD-nim." “Is that you singing?” "Yeah, just a scratch track until I can find the right voice." “Your voice is the right voice." He commented. You smiled and nudged him with your shoulder. Jin went back to listening to the song, nodding his head to the beat. You waited with bated breath for Jin to give you his reaction. He seemed to be enjoying it, smiling…looking shocked at some of the high notes. When the song was over, he took out his earbud and smiled. Then he gushed about how good it was, and the praise washed over you. You grinned widely at your cheeks starting to hurt. Jin asked you so many questions. How you came up with the lyrics. You told him that being called Kitten might’ve sparked something for you. He wanted to know what part of the song his laugh was. You told him it was the low thumping base. Jin kept saying over and over how proud he was of you and if that didn’t make you damn near melt. You kept trying to hide your smile as you looked away waving him off. He was too kind. As you stuffed your phone back in your pocket, he asked what brought you around this time. You groan as your body sinks to the ground, your head in your hands. You told him about the cookies, apologizing, everything. It was so easy to talk to Jin. As you continued your tale, he smirked trying to keep his laughter in check. Then his laugh tumbled out of his body, his head turned up to the ceiling. “What?” You groaned. Jin laughed louder, tears springing at the corners of his eyes, “What, oppa?!” “You are clueless hmm?” He teased. “Huh? Wait about why RM-Seonbae was mad at me? Yeah! I am clueless.” Jin chuckled again and patted your head. He gave you a look that could only mean 'you poor child.' Your face fell as your pressed your lips together in irritation. "Joonie-ah is sensitive, we all are in our own ways. It's hard enough for us to make friends so when we find someone we do want to be friends with, and they say that they don't want to be seen with us…that hurts." “But you understand why I said that right?” You huff, crossing your arms over your chest, “Like…you have no privacy.” "We have more than you think. I see where you are coming from, but you should start to understand it. If you debut, you’ll be in the same boat.” “Yeah, yeah Oppa. I get it.” “So, what will you do now?” Jin asked while you got up. “Give that annoying leader of yours a real apology.” Jin grinned at you and squeezed your arm. Part of you wishes that you showed Yoongi instead. He wouldn't have made such an excellent appeal for Namjoon. He probably would've said something like he'll get over it and that would've made you feel tons better. Why did Jin have to be wise! You walked back to Namjoon's room sticking your head around the corner. It was empty. Groaning you scratch the back of your neck turning on your heels. Well, if you can't find him…you can't apologize…again. Which was okay with you. You waved at Tae on your way back to the main living room. You gave the man cookies what more did he want? Friendship. What a hilarious concept if you were honest. Friends. Why would he want to be friends with you? Shouldn't you feel chosen, just a little bit? The handsome, talented idol wanted to be friends with you. You don't feel anything but annoyance. Annoyance and maybe a little a bit of pride. Namjoon sat on the couch in the living room, his eyes glued to the TV. You intended to walk past him and out of the door, but you stopped. You bit the inside of your lip bouncing your leg up and down. Jin’s voice was ringing loudly in your head. You groaned and tucked your bottom lip in your mouth. "RM-seonbae…" You started. He glanced over to you and sat up. Closing your eyes, you took a deep breath, "Look. When I said that…it wouldn't be good for us to be seen with each other, I wasn’t really thinking about you. I understand why that upset you. Friends shouldn’t treat each other that way.” “Friends?” He chuckled “I guess that’s what we are,” You sigh looking over at him finally. His grin sat wide on his face, those dimples tugging on your heart. You touched your chest wondering why your body was doing all of these acrobatics. “What if I don’t want to be friends?” He asked while standing up slowly. “Then you don’t want to be friends.” You shrug, “I’ll live.” Namjoon pouted gently, “Yah, that’s not what you’re supposed to say!” “I didn’t realize I had a script.” You snorted. He laughed and shook his head. His tan skin looked really lovely in this light as he walked over to you. He stuck his hand out. “Friends.” Namjoon chuckled. “Friends.” You winked at him before leaving his handshake in the dust. “And because we are friends. RM-seonbae is far too long. If you are going to keep calling me Kitten, I will call you Joonie. Also - ” You paused to throw your finger in the air, “I’ve wanted to deny you a handshake since I met you so thank you for helping me fulfill a personal dream.” Namjoon laughed harder as you exited Bangtan’s dorm. Friends. You didn’t even want to begin to think about the set of problems that came with that title. Saturday you did nothing. Sunday you did nothing. Those were the best kind of weekends in your opinion. You stayed in your room, only coming out to eat and shower. You made a dent in the book you borrowed, finally. You wrote an email to Bang PD-nim eight times before scrapping it all together. Just because Jin liked your song didn’t mean it was worthy of being shown just yet. Maybe you’d let Yoongi listen to it. You walked to the studios wondering what he’d have waiting for you to keep the door open this time. It’s usually fluxgates between whatever hoodie he’s got, a notebook, an empty cup of coffee. Anything not to walk those extra steps to the door. You stopped smirking, the winner was a hoodie. You picked it up and walked inside tying it around your waist. Yoongi had his head peeking out with a slight smile before opening the door all the way. You followed him inside to the genius lab, moving your backpack so you could grab his cookies. You let the bag fall to the floor with a bright grin. “Here.” You say holding them out, “I made sugar cookies for my Suga-seonbae.” The pale idol looked over at you with an eyebrow raised, “God, tell me you weren’t working on that line all night.” You bounced your eyebrows at him before sitting down in your chair, crossing your arms over your chest. He opened up the container and pulled one out. “Just came up with it right now. If it’s good enough for a girl at a fan signing, its good enough for me.”
“But you aren’t a girl at a fan signing. They are trying to get my attention. You already have mine.” Sometimes, Yoongi says things that make your heart stop. This was one of those times. You look away from those beautiful starry eyes and scratch your cheek shrugging trying to snap out of it. “Do you want the cookies or not, Suga-seonbae?” Yoongi chuckled and pulled one out breaking it in half. You took your half watching him take a bite. He closed his eyes and nodded, smiling. You did a good job. Maybe, you’d have to bake more often. And the cookies were few days old. You stood up putting your hands in the air before exclaiming, “Let’s start the lesson!” The hour goes by quickly. You've moved on to complex sentences, and Yoongi teaches complex systems. You always did admire that his computer system had his stage name on it in big white letters. Throughout the whole lesson, Yoongi kept chewing on the cookies as if he hadn't eaten anything for days. You commented on it, and he snapped that they were good. The hour was up, but lately, you've been spending a few extra minutes in the lab not wanting to go home. Yoongi leaned back in the chair his legs crossed. You liked him best when he was wearing distressed shirts and sweats. His brilliant eyes shifted over to you as he smiled, “Would you like some insider information, Bunny?” Yoongi questioned after taking another bite of your cookie. “Call it a trade. You gave me a cookie, I’ll give you information.” “Well – if we were starting an information trade then all I need to know is if Yoomin is real. My sister would really appreciate the insider information.” You giggled, knowing he was going to ignore you. “Yoomin is…real. Jimin-ah and I sleep in the same bed every night and cuddle.” He said sarcastically. Your loud laugh flowed out of your mouth as your doubled over, hitting the arm of the chair over and over again. “Knew it. Good to know her bias and her bias wrecker are together. Warms my heart.” You snort, unable to stop the tears from flowing. You could feel his glare on your skin. You look up with a bright smile using the back of her hand to clean away the laughter. “Like I was saying…” Yoongi started as he rolled his eyes, “Information. They are going to start grouping some people together as faux groups.” “Aish..” You groan, “I figured this was coming but I didn’t think it would be so soon.” “What will you do little miss stage fright?” He teased, “Will you stay and learn to work with a group or will you run away.” “I think you know the answer, gramps.” You pushed yourself up from the chair and put your hands up stretching, “I’ve made it this far…why not go all the way?” Yoongi grinned before scooting up to his console. You said bye to each other as you exited the Lab. Groups, huh? You felt like this was going to be high school projects all over again. You shove your hands into the pockets of your pants as you walked back to the dorm. Then you realized that you still had his hoodie around your waist. You had half of mind to give it back to him, but it was kind of cold, plus it smelled nice.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Groups. It just had to be groups first. While you were appreciative of the insider information Yoongi gave you, you don’t want to be in a group. Maybe you should just tell Bang PD-nim that you want to be a producer. Every time you had that thought your stomach dropped. Ever since you told Yoongi your hidden thoughts and feelings, you started to warm up to the idea of being an idol. If Yoongi's anti-social, grumpy ass could do it then you would be fine. But yet, it was still terrifying. Groups. It was a good thing that you were selected to be a part of the groups. At least that was what you were telling yourself. It meant that they really did like what you offered. Black Pink. Girls’ Generation. 2NE1. Twice. Red Velvet. You’ve been listening to their music for ages, and now you were about to embark on the same quest those women did. They were probably a lot more excited about it than you were. To be in a practice group meant that you were closer to debuting. To be in a practice group meant that you would be hanging out with a bunch of girls. You tried not to feel sick about the whole group situation. Honestly, hanging out with girls isn't a problem. At home, you had tons of friends that were girls…but you didn't really make an effort with any of the trainees. Especially the ladies’ trainees. You sorta went through the motions in class. You knew faces, voices, but names alluded you. And now you were expected to work with them. How many girls would be in your group? You shuttered at the thought of being in a group as big as 7 people like Bangtan. So many personalities. It's honestly a wonder they get along so well. Bangtan was built around Namjoon…so maybe there was über talented girl in this class that the groups were going to be made around. Maybe it was Yoonsook? She was a fantastic dancer. Great singer. She already looked like an idol with her beautiful skin and hair. And she was just quirky enough to make fans feel like they really knew her. That'd be your pick to build a while group around. And...that's where your knowledge stopped. Part of you wished you spent one moment getting to know the other trainees more. The big meeting was set for today. You asked Yoonsook if she got the email and your roommate said every girl trainee did. She was extra about the situation. Not every girl trainee got the email, from the room of 21 women in you were in that much was clear. You sat in the second row, next to Yoonsook. Excitement covered the group, everyone was chattier than usual. Not much information was given except for please come to this meeting. You only knew about the group situation because of your inside man. Yoongi’s face would scrunch up from being called that, you smirked at the thought. His face all scrunched up is cute in a strange way. As you look around the space, you saw that everyone was talking to another person – except for you. You tried not to sigh so loudly and tucked your arms over your chest waiting for something, anything to happen. A loud huff escaped your lips making Yoonsook glance over to you, then nudged you gently.“Ah, where are my manners?” She started leaning back in her seat, “Yeonjoo, this is Y/L Y/F. Y/N, this is Yuk Yeon-joo.” Yeonjoo had a face that looked like it was carved from pure beauty itself. Her face was long, with a delicate nose. Her rosy lips were full and turned into a soft smile. She tucked some of her wavy honey brown bob behind her ear.
“Hello, Y/N-ssi.” She said gently, shoving her hands in between her thighs.“Yeonjoo is a little shy,” Yoonsook muttered to you under her breath. You gave an understanding nod and smiled at Yeonjoo.“Hello. It’s very nice to meet you, Yeonjoo-ssi." You replied by giving her a polite bow. Yeonjoo’s round eyes, hidden behind glasses, opened wide as she bowed back with a giggle. The sound of a door opening pulled your focus to the front of the room. In walked five men, one of them being Bang PD-nim. He smiled at the group and stood in the middle. The whole place stood up in unison and bowed. He returned the favor and straightened up with open arms.“Hello everyone! Congrats! We think that the ladies in this room have the chance to debut. We want to test out a few groups formations, styles, etc. We are borrowing some of the assistant associate managers from Bangtan to help us with you all. When an assistant calls your name, please follow them, and they will explain more. Keep up the good work!" Bang PD-nim announced pushing up his glasses. He left as quickly as he entered. Yoonsook sat up taller, pressing her palms together staring at the four assistant associate managers excitedly. The four men looked at the women in the room with the same type of eagerness. If their group succeeds and does well, then they are no longer assistant associate managers…they are managers. This is very much a test for them as it for you. They mumbled to one another quickly until a pudgy one took a step forward. The manager was wearing an old HOMME tour shirt with some jeans, his dark hair shaggily falling into his small brown eyes. He grinned right at you. You swallowed knowing that it could only mean one thing, you were on his team. "Hello everyone! I'll be the manager of group A! When I call your name stand up, then we will head to a conference room to talk more. Yu Mi-Yung," A young lady in the front row popped up, "Yuk Yeon-Joo,” YeonJoo stood up pushing up her glasses with a soft smile, “Kim Hee-Ae,” From behind you heard a chair scoot, you glance over your shoulder to see her, “Hong Ji-Ho,” An impossibly tall teenage girl stood up, her grin all toothy, “Y/LN Y/FN.” You stood up looking around at the girls that were in your group. For a moment it looked like the manager was going to call out one more name, you were hopeful that it was going to be Yoonsook. You prayed that it was going to be Yoonsook. The manager nodded once and turned to exit the room. This was the team. You tried not to sigh too hard as you followed the manager and the rest of the girls out. You'd seen all of these girls before, one of them you are ninety percent sure is in your dance class. The first girl, Miyung…maybe, she had a confident walk. She was the first in line her chin tilted upwards. Her face was full, lips thin, long black almost purple hair, and big round eyes. She was about your height. Heeae had a face that looked like it was panted. It was long, nose slightly pointed upwards, and glossy dark brown hair that stopped against her shoulders. Her skin gave Yoongi's a run for paleness. Jiho was tall, so very tall. As tall as Jin. Her hair was in a short messy bob, it looked like she cut it herself. She grinned at you and winked before entering the empty conference room. You sat in between Yeonjoo and Jiho looking at the manager to at least introduce himself. He chuckled nervously getting situated. He took a large deep breath in and pushed his glasses up while exhaling.“Hello group A, my name is Ham Do-Kyeong. You can call me Dodo though. Mostly everybody does. You all know each other, right?” Miyung glanced over at you before smiling at Dodo again.“Pretty much.” She answered. Her voice reminded you of syrup in a way. It was sticky and sweet."Good. Good. Okay, so for group A we were thinking something a lot closer to BTS, like an actual sister group. Your sound would be hip-hop, R&B inspired. Your dance moves would be the same and so would your lyrics."
“Does that mean we get to write our own songs like them too?” You questioned. Dodo’s eyes brightened, and he nodded,
“Yes! Most girl groups don’t write their own music, but we thought that we’d see how it goes with you all.” You could get down with the group situation if it meant that you could expand your writing and producer abilities. You gave a quick bow pressing your back to the chair trying not to jump and down for joy. “What are our positions…will this group have a leader?” Miyung asked tucking some of her hair behind her head. Dodo nodded and looked down at a notepad with things written on it.
“Yes. Let’s go through positions. Miyung since you asked I'll start with you. Lead dancer, dance captain, and singer. Yeonjoo, visual, dancer, singer. Heeae, Visual, singer. Jiho, rapper. Y/N, lead singer and lead rapper.” Your eyes got big as he says lead singer then followed by lead rapper. Did they not see you at the exhibition? The fear you had. The shaking, the running away. And now you were supposed to be the lead singer of some practice group?! And what did you know about rapping? You don’t know how to rap! Your tongue gets twisted when you try to rap along to American rap let alone Korean. The small joy you had for the groups just went up in smoke. Rapping. Ugh. Not to mention highly stereotypical.“Who is the leader?” Yeonjoon spoke up, her voice was soft and airy. “Yeah!" Jiho yelled in agreement. You turned to her, and she grinned wider. Your snap judgment is that you like Jiho."Y/N is the leader," Dodo mumbled without looking up from his papers, flipping through things. He said it so nonchalantly that you think it's a mistake. It must be a mistake. It has to be a mistake. You lean over the table staring at his face willing him to change his mind. Dodo kept flipping through his papers. This is the point where the record would scratch. All four members of your team looked at you with various faces. Jiho and Yeonjoo looked happy, pleased that they weren’t the leader. Heeae looked indifferent. Miyung seemed downright murderous. Her big eyes narrowed on you making your skin crawl. You stared back blankly crossing your arms over your chest. Little did she know that you didn’t want to be a leader of a training group, a real group, a red group, or a blue group. The group work was just a necessary evil to get to your goals.“I hope that I do a good job as a leader.” A half-truth spills from your lips. You want to do a good job with the group, but not as the leader. Never as the leader. “Me too,” Miyung murmured under her breath. You want to text Yoongi and complain. You want to transfer your leadership to anyone else at this table. Anyone else at BigHit. Anyone else in the fucking world! Dodo talks about the first song that you will be working on. He plays it off his phone, and it's a rough track, like rougher than you'd ever heard. It makes you grimace still reeling from your leadership announcment. Dodo hands everyone music and tells the group to practice, everyone's part was identified. Dodo suggests that the group stay together to get to know each other more. He stands up and starts to leave before pausing announcing that dance practice will be group practice from now own. He told everyone to have a good few days off because the group will be hitting it hard first thing next week.. After he leaves the door closes with a deafening thud. Almost like an omen. Slowly everyone's eyes turn to you as if you are supposed to lead them…wait, you are.“Um…” You started, then swallow, “I guess -.”“I don’t care. I think its bullshit that they made some foreigner the leader, but this is just a fake group. Just stay out of my way.” Miyung barked, quickly exiting the room. The shocked silence that covered the room made your stomach hurt. Your cheeks flared with heat from the embarrassment. Foreigner. It’s not the word itself that makes you feel sick. It’s the way she spat it at you like a slur. Like she wanted to say another word entirely. You sit there stunned before Heeae pushed herself back from the table and smiled apologetically,“Don’t mind her. She’s driven. She’ll come too. I look forward to working with you, leader.” She followed after Miyung, crying her name down the hall. You look at the other two, Yeonjoo and Jiho, and smile weakly.“Can Miyung be anymore antagonistic?” Jiho laughed, “This isn’t an anime! ‘Stay out of my way!’ Couldn’t she come up with anything better than that line?!” The tall girl held her stomach laughing louder, almost like a roller coaster. Up and down her laugh went.Yeonjoo giggled quietly shrugged slightly, “I believe her sister is a leader of an idol group. She has lofty goals and dreams.”“Don’t we all,” You muse. “I’m not really sure the purpose of a practice group, but if I am the leader…I’m going to do my best.” Yoongi would want you to. You chew the inside of your lip trying to figure out why Yoongi popped in your head all of a sudden. You ask to exchange numbers with the girls, and they did happily. Jiho looked absolutely giddy to be able to contact you. Maybe you were a bit early to decide that you liked her.“Do you want us to call you leader? Oh! When do we get to pick out our stage names? I have a perfect name for you, Y/N-ssi!” Jiho exclaimed looking up from her phone. You raised your eyebrows slightly in shock, mostly in confusion. She grinned wider almost trying to show you all of her teeth, “Do you want to hear it?” “I do.” Yeonjoo beamed. You shrugged. Jiho stood up and swallowed looking at the two other people in the room thoughtfully. She took a deep breath and narrowed her eyes at you for dramatic effect.“Y/N-ssi,” Jiho started low and slow, “your stage name should be… Americano.” If your eyes rolled any harder, they would’ve been stuck in your head. You gave her a patient smile and stood up patting her shoulder. What kind of stage name was a Starbucks drink? Nobody was going to call you an old ass 10cm song. Although you were in Korea to accomplish your dreams, you wanted to help your momma achieve one of hers. When momma met your mother all those years ago, they became close friends, best friends. Momma always wanted to bring your mother back to Korea to show her where she lived. She never got that chance. You decided with the few days you have off before the start of real group practice you'd go searching for your momma's childhood home. Because your mother couldn't make it – you'd take yourself.
Momma grew up in Goyang, the llsandong-gu district. You had the picture of the house, you had a street name. Now all you had to do is catch the train there. LA doesn't have a perfect public transportation system, but Seoul has one of the best in the world. Which for you is a double-edged sword. You had only taken the train a few times since you moved and never alone. You remember the stares you got sitting next to your Momma, the not so nice things said about you under their breath. The joy you got hearing your momma go into protection mode.
With a big baggy yellow sweater and some jeans on you were ready for the day. You put in two tiny pink bows on the large bun on the top of your head and headed to the train station. You were a little later than you wanted to be because you had to change. Accidentally you threw on Yoongi's black hoodie that you sorta stole, but he sorta let you borrow it because he hasn't asked for it back. When someone has that many black hoodies than they don't notice one is missing…that person doesn't need anymore. You honestly are doing him a favor.
After you purchase your train ticket and board you sit down. Automatically, you pull out your headphones and turn your music on. A random song starts to play and Suran's voice played gently. You smirked. "So Far Away" had a special place in your heart. The first time you heard the lyrics you were sitting in your bed, looking at another failed assignment. You remember feeling so miserable, your knees tucked against your chest. Then this song came on from Soundcloud, and it was light to you. You listened to it on repeat for days. "So far away… if I had a dream. If only I had a flying dream…" You sang quietly to yourself, looking out the window. God, this song was so good. Yoongi's rapping, the lyrics, everything. "Dream, I will be there for your creation…" You rapped along bobbing your head to the beat.
You felt a tap on your shoulder, and a deep voice came through your headphones. The person interrupting your peace asked if he could sit next to you. After glancing up for a short second, you nodded and crossed your legs trying not to let your irritation bubble up. One of the perks of being a black girl in Korea is that nobody wanted to sit next to you on the train. Plus, as you look around, there were seats available everywhere! But he wanted to sit next to you. You wrinkled your nose and tucked your arms over your chest. The person next to you tugs out your earbud terrifying and angering you all at the same time."What?" You bark trying to press yourself against the wall of the train as much as possible. Then a soft chuckle trickles from the mask of the man sitting next to you. A laugh that you'd know anywhere at this point. You looked around the train then back at the man, "Joon?" Namjoon pulled down his mask for a second to show you his smile and his dimples before pulling it back up. What in the world was he doing on your train?! His head was covered in a black cap, with his eyes hidden behind sunglasses.
"Hey, Kitten." He whispered in English.
"You are kidding me, right! What are you doing here?" You replied in your native tongue.
"Trainees aren't the only ones to get free days. I'm headed home to visit my family. What are you doing?"
"Trying to find the house my momma grew up in." You said as the train lurched forward making its trek to your destination. You sighed deeply because it looks like you were stuck sitting next to Namjoon for this ride. At least you were no longer alone.
Namjoon nodded before crossing his arms over his chest. Aside from the darkness that covered his face, his clothing was regular. A white button down and some wide leg jeans.
"Your mom grew up in Ilsan?" He questioned. You nodded and looked around the basically empty train car. Namjoon didn't know this, but as his punishment for scaring you the expensive sunglasses he was wearing were now yours. You plucked them off of his face and put them on yours, feeling slightly badass. He tutted and smiled gently waiting for you to answer.
"Yea. Then when she was eighteen, she moved to the US. Met my mother when she was like twenty-ish, they be –."
"Your mother? Wait…uh…"
You looked over his sunglasses with a smirk, "Keep up, brainiac. I'm adopted. As I was saying…momma met my mother at 20-ish. Momma was always gonna bring her to see the house she grew up in…but never had a chance. So, I'm going to fulfill that dream." You grinned, pushing the glasses up with your middle finger.
Namjoon nodded before chuckling. He closed his eyes taking in those bits of information that you gave him. It shocked you that he didn't know that you were adopted. You felt like you've said the words so often lately to various members of Bangtan that everyone knew…but he didn't. Apparently, you never filled Namjoon in. You scratched the back of your head and gave him an abridged version. You made sure to note the names you call them. Momma was your adopted mom and mother was your biological one.
The whole time Namjoon nodded his head and listened intently. His eyes got large when you explained growing up in a household of kids, but you, Marina, and Kevin were the constant. He furrowed his brows and muttered apologizes when you talked about the deaths of your biological parents. Then he surprised you,
"What about your dad, adopted dad?"
You swallowed and shook your head, "I don't have one."
"Oh…okay?" Namjoon was confused. You shrugged at him. "Your momma never married?"
"I said I don't have one, Namjoon." You said coolly. That was not a road you were prepared to go down and not with him. He nodded.
You knew you shouldn't snap at him. He didn't know, nor will he ever know. But those thoughts, feelings about the dark times were shut away. Never to be heard from again. You allowed one idol to hit hidden nerves, you would not let Namjoon do the same…no matter how kind he was being.
"Well…what street did she live on?" Namjoon asked, snapping you out of your thoughts. You looked over at him with a smile.
"Why? You gonna ditch your family plans to help me find my momma's old house?" You snorted. His eyes lit up.
"Is that an invitation?"
"Not really."
"You know, you are the possibly the worst friend I've ever had." He grumbled.
"At least I'm first for something." You smirked.
Namjoon rolled his eyes and reached out for his sunglasses. You pushed his hand away declaring that they were now yours until the end of the train ride. He sighed and crossed his legs complaining that he'd love to accompany you on your adventure. You blinked and raised an eyebrow.
"Wait, you seriously want to help me?"
He started to fidget slightly in his seat as your eyes narrowed on him. He was strange. Namjoon looked over to you then scratched his cheek. Then his straightened out his shoulders.
"Yes, I do." He sighed, "You really do make it difficult to be your friend."
You sat there in a moment of disbelief. Namjoon was willing to ditch his family plans to help you find the house your mother grew up in. Who was this guy? Sitting there with his hot chocolate eyes and tan skin. His bright smile and dimples. One half of you was appreciative he wanted to help you. The idea of wandering around an unknown neighborhood in Korea didn't really make you that comfortable. But seeing how quick he was willing to ditch his family didn't sit right with you either. You frowned.
"Family is everything to me." You started, "So, I wouldn't expect you to ditch your plans to visit them to help me."
"I'm not ditching my plans," Namjoon sighed shaking his head. "I'm going to surprise them. I can help you and still visit them."
With your legs crossed your bounce your foot up and down. You guess allowing Namjoon tag along wouldn't hurt…and it would be quicker than using your map application on your phone. You shrug and look out the window as the train kept rolling to its destination.
"Okay." You announced taking off his sunglasses. You handed them to him making a quick comment about him needing a disguise. Namjoon smiled before taking them back mentioning that you looked way better in them than he could. You bite the inside of your cheek actively fighting the butterfly that decided to materialize around in your stomach.
Walking around Ilsan with Namjoon was the most nail-biting situation you'd ever been in. Although he was shrouded in clothing, face covered you were convinced that some fan would jump out of the bushes and find him. You had visions of being chased around Ilsan by hordes of people. You twitched at the sound of a branch moving. You held your breath as people walked towards the two of you. He thought it was hilarious. It was not hilarious! He may like all of that attention, but you wanted no part of it. Namjoon waved you off and said there was nothing to worry about. Apparently, he walks around Ilsan all the time without hiding, and there have never been any problems.
As you were walking, he was pointing out various shops and places that were meaningful to him. There was a little bookstore he frequented when he was younger. A small store that had changed hands over a few times, it initially was a candy shop – now a flower shop. The blossoms were as big as your head and smelled three times as good. You couldn't stop yourself from walking over and looking at the beautiful displays.
One grouping of flowers stuck out to you. Sunflowers. A bundle of sunflowers held together by a yellow ribbon. You picked it up and walked into the store having this overwhelming urge to purchase them. Ah, you remember. Momma would try to keep sunflowers around the house after your parent's death as a reminder of your strong bond with them. You were four when it happened, but it didn't stop the ache in the middle of the night when you were younger. Even in death, your bond isn't broken she used to tell you. Your parents are still with you. You held the bouquet up to your chest smiling. You'd bring sunflowers along as an offering to them.
You glanced over your shoulder at Namjoon. He was standing at the back of the shop merely observing you. You assumed that he was going to ask what you were doing, but he smiled softly at you waiting for you to finish your accidental side mission. You turned back to the shopkeeper and paid, bowing deeply at the older man.
Namjoon kept guiding you throughout the city, stopping every now and again to take a picture of a cute animal or some tree. He'd show them to you and ask for your opinion. He had a pretty good eye, his photographs were vibrant, and they made you smile. But you are the snarky young woman as you are you kept your compliments as minimal as possible. As you and Namjoon talk together, you'd both slip back and forth between Korean and English making up an entirely new language altogether. Korean verbs, English nouns. English adverbs and Korean suffixes.
"We're almost there." He announced. You clutched the flowers harder suddenly nervous. You didn't know if someone was living in the house or if you'd be allowed to take a picture at all. Maybe you should turn back. Maybe this was a complete mistake. What if someone threw away the flowers you got? You pinched your nose and sighed hard, "What's wrong?"
"I'm just worried. I didn't even think about if someone was home or if someone would even let me leave flowers."
"You are going to leave the flowers? Why?" Namjoon questioned turning the corner. You looked down at the blossoms before answering.
"As a reminder of my strong bond with my mother...my parents really, even if they're not here."
Usually, you don't think about your mother a lot. Not that you didn't love her – its just as time goes on and memories fade you thought of her less and less. You had a momma. And she took great care of you. And a tiny part of you thought it was a betrayal to think about your mother as much as the woman who raised you. You knew that small piece of you was wrong. You looked at Namjoon, his face was slightly puzzled.
"When I was younger, my momma would place sunflowers around the house to remind me of the strong bond that my mother and I have. Because I am a part of her. Sunflowers are strong, tall flowers reaching the heavens. So, it was a like a barrier to help my mother touch me in heaven. Or so momma would say."
"Strong bonds."
"Strong bonds." You repeated as you slowed down looking at the destination a few steps away. It was precisely the same as the picture. A classic Korean house with the shingled roofs and sliding doors. There was a tingling in your nose as your eyes water. Sadness hit you suddenly making it impossible to move. Why did you feel like crying seeing this place your momma grew up? Why didn't you want to take a step forward? This is what you came for, now suddenly you didn't want to do it.
Namjoon was a few steps ahead of you then he slowed down looking over his shoulder. His brows furrowed as he walked back,
"Hey." He started, "Are you okay?" You nodded and took in as much air as you could. Yet you couldn't move. When you took a step, your foot hung in the air your whole body unsure of what to do. You looked at Namjoon for help then blushed out of embarrassment. How was he going to help and how was he going to know to help you from your blank stare? He grinned at you holding out his hand reading your mind. Looking down at his soft palm and long fingers, you wanted to hold his hand. You wanted to feel connected to him, but you couldn't bring yourself to grab it. You smiled and straightened your shoulders forcing yourself to walk past him.
"What if she doesn't like who I've grown up to be?" You mumble to yourself, starting to pick and peel the stems of the flowers. Where did that come from? It wasn't like your mother was going to walk out of the house, but still, you were nervous, uncomfortable.
"Your mother loves exactly who you've grown up to be, kitten," Namjoon whispered in your ear. You didn't realize that he got so close, his warm breath tickled your neck. You hop away from him quickly your face on fire, your insides tumbling around. You were glad that your back was facing him because your eyes were wide in shock. You glared at him over your shoulder and turned back to the house.
As you drag your teeth across your bottom lip, you walk to the front door of the house. Your momma always wanted to bring your mother here. You set down the blooms on the first step and watch the petals move in the wind. You accomplished what you set out to do, but you felt so…sad. Empty almost. It was supposed to be happy visiting here, bringing the part of your mother that lived inside of you to your momma's house. You were a literal bridge between them, but you were so sad.
You stood there staring at the house that your momma grew up in. You thought about all she did in that house. Her running around as a baby with your grandma. Momma as a teenager bickering with grandma. Her first kiss. Her first fight with grandma. Those were memories you had too but in a different capacity. You wanted them with your mother. How selfish can you be! Momma did everything for you but yet…you wanted more. You put your hands on your face trying to stop yourself from crying. You missed your momma so much. You also missed your mother, the woman you didn't think about. The woman you couldn't think about because of how bad it still hurt. You felt like a terrible daughter. The first tear rolled down your face as your shoulders shook. Another tear. Unexpectedly you were sobbing at the loss of a woman who you hardly knew but owed your whole life too. You were a terrible daughter.
Warmth engulfed you as you cried on the steps. Namjoon's warm hands pulled you in tightly as he whispered that it was going to be okay. You clutched onto him tightly crying into his chest about how you missed both of your moms. How it was unfair that she left you so young. How you couldn't remember what she looked like… How horrible you were for having a momma who loved you but yearning for one who passed. You cried into his arms until your throat was sore.
He rubbed your back gently, and his deep voice whispered that you weren't terrible and that all of your feelings were valid. He was everything you needed him to be in the moment. He clutched onto him harder as if you couldn't survive without him. He told you that both of your mothers loved you more than anything and that neither of them would be happy to see you like this. You nodded into his warm chest taking deep breaths of his cologne. For an instant, you felt like you were home.
Once you calmed down, you froze in his arms. This was not supposed to be happening. Kim Namjoon was hugging you, in public, while you were crying. You grimaced into his chest trying to figure out the kindest way to get out of this situation. You didn't want to hurt his feelings, he did comfort you. But you didn't want to be held anymore, even if it did feel nice. You pushed him away quickly using the collar of your shirt to clean your face apologizing to him multiple times. Shit. You looked at the wet spots on his pristine shirt and groaned."I'll..uh…get that dry cleaned for you…" You muttered looking at your feet. Namjoon laughed and looked down at himself.
"Don't worry – it's not that serious. I've done worse to more expensive shirts. I'm glad you are feeling better." He replied. You still felt terrible and made a vow to do something to make it up to him. You chewed the inside of your lip and bounced from one foot to another.
"Sorry, but can you take a picture of me so I can send it to my momma?" You mumbled wiping the under part of your eyes. Namjoon laughed slightly nodding his head. He slipped his hands into the pockets of his jeans and pulled out his phone. You frowned.
"What are you doing?"
"Using my phone to take the picture."
"What's wrong with my phone?" You question waving your smartphone in his face. He looked at it and brought his out. Sure, his was a newer…better…faster model but your phone took pictures okay. You sighed and gave in not wanting to fight him after he was so kind to you. You sat on the steps next to the flowers and smiled. Namjoon took a few pictures before you got tired of him taking them and stood up walking to him with your hand out.
"No." He said, "I'll send you the best ones. You look beautiful in all of them so don't worry."
You suck in your cheeks and bite down hard keeping yourself from screaming. Tae, Jimin…hell even Jungkook have said that you were beautiful. Tae tells you how cute you are all the time but hearing Namjoon say that you were beautiful made you beyond hot. Just when you get comfortable again, he says or does something that sends your heart racing for no reason. Maybe you needed to get checked out by a doctor.
Namjoon looked up with a broad smile on his face and asked you for your number. You give it to him quickly, sighing. Within a matter of moments, your phone vibrates. Three pictures were sent to you. One where you smile and looking directly at the camera. The other of you looking at the sun lips slightly parted…and the third of you grinning wide holding the flowers close to your chest. You didn't even realize that you had picked them up. You felt tears start to form again and thanked him.
"Hey, random thought…do you want to get some ice cream and go to my favorite park?" He asked starting to walk away. You scrunched up your nose in confusion following behind.
"Do I have a choice?"
"Not really."
You sighed wondering at what point was the idol going to do what he set out to do instead of helping you with whatever situation was going on with you. Not that you weren't grateful for his company. You were beyond grateful. You don't know if you could've done this without Namjoon today – and you didn't want to know.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
At this moment you had full clarity. Every decision you've made thus far has brought you to this critical choice. There was no yesterday. No tomorrow. Just you in this moment. You. Your hands pressed against the cold glass, breath fogging it up. Your eyes flicking back and forth as you part your lips slowly…it's all come down to this. Namjoon took you to this little hole in the wall ice cream shop, but you knew as soon as you walked in that the ice cream was going to be amazing. It was sort of your super-secret superpower. You could just tell good ice cream shops. There was something about the smell or the look of the place – but you knew. This ice cream was going to be fantastic. And you had to find the right flavor, or it wouldn't be worth it. But it was your burden to carry. Ice cream was one of your favorite things in the whole wide world. You could eat pints of the stuff, damn your slight lactose intolerance. You walked up and down the glass case making sure to take your time. There wasn't really a wrong decision to be made, because ice cream is ice cream after all, but there were flavors that weren't high on your taste buds list. The best options looked to be: vanilla, chocolate, rainbow, macha, red bean, chocolate cherry, and coffee. A perfect scoop would be a bit of all of the flavors in one. Your mouth started to water. The only reason you followed Namjoon here was for the ice cream. He said it was one of the best places in town and you trusted his pallet. More than you trusted Tae's. You finally decided to go with the coffee and vanilla. The shop owner, a middle-aged woman with thick black hair, tells you that those are her favorite flavors. You can't help but stick to a classic. You kept peeking over your shoulder as Namjoon looked at you with various degrees of interest. But he was never irritated that you were taking your time, in fact, he seemed happy that you were so pleased. Namjoon spooned a bit of his dessert into his mouth, sucking on the tip of his spoon slightly. You walked up to the shop owner and grabbed your ice cream, fuddling with the money in your pocket. "I've got it." Namjoon said behind you. You shook your head and muttered for him to leave you alone. You don't need him to pay for you, although it is a nice gesture. But he had been far too kind to you today. You felt him stand next to you and you rolled your eyes."No. I've got it. I can pay for my own things thank you. In fact, I should've paid for yours." You muttered, placing the cash on the counter. The middle-aged woman behind the counter reached out for the money as Namjoon sighed then gave the owner an apologetic smile. "As a leader, allow me." He offered. You groaned and looked up at him trying not to glare at him. If it were Yoongi, he would've known the look you were giving him. Telling him to leave it alone with your face. Namjoon grin stretched across his face and bounced his eyebrows up. "As a leader myself, allow me." You pushed back because he was apparently not understanding what you were trying to non-verbally communicate. He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion before tucking his arm over his chest. "No, I really do insist." Namjoon chuckled, holding out his money. You clenched your jaw annoyance running through your veins. Why did he have to be like this? The middle-aged woman smiled and looked back and forth at you and Namjoon. "You should really let your date pay for you," The shop owner giggled. The sigh that left your body could've blown the whole place down. Did it look like the two of you were on a date? There was no holding of hands. No lovey-dovey eyes. Where would she even come with that idea? Just because he was a boy and you were a girl did not automatically make this a date. You moved away from him pressing your lips together tightly."He's not my date. He's annoying." You sighed, picking up your money and holding it out again. "Please just let me pay for it." Namjoon's eyes with wide with shock, then he put his hand on his chest as if he were wounded. You looked at him blankly not caring and secretly wishing he was wounded. Because if he was - he wouldn't be able to try to pay for your ice cream. You blinked then he rolled his eyes, "Fine!" Namjoon huffed, tucking his money into his pocket. You grinned up at him feeling victorious. The shopkeeper took the money from you and looked a little forlorn. She could think what she wants, but the only idol that was allowed to buy you food was a pale rapper with a quick tongue. And that was only because…well…you don't know why but you just felt it was right, "But – I get to taste yours.""No!" You cried grabbing your ice cream. The two of you bowed quickly as you turned to look up at him, "You are out of your mind, Joon.""C'mon!" He whined following you out of the shop. You told him no then paused looking at him to guide you to the park. Namjoon sighed and pulled his cap down low walking slowly, defeated. You wrinkled your nose groaning louder hating that he was making you feel bad. "Do you really want to taste it? It's vanilla and coffee." You hoped by telling him your basic flavor choices that he would change his mind. It did the opposite effect. His chocolate eyes got large with excitement, and he nodded his head quickly. The rapper scooped some of his macha and chocolate on his spoon placing it out to you. "Yes! You can have some of mine if you want." You frowned and pushed his hand down,"But can I use my own spoon? I don't know where your mouth has been, and I don't need you to feed me. That lady thought we were on a date." "Who cares." Namjoon shrugged, putting the spoon back in his mouth, "People think lots about me and they don't know me. You learn to get used to it. You'll get used to it." You rolled your eyes and took your spoon to scrape some of his dessert from his cup. His gaze fell on you as you placed it in your mouth. It was good. It was delicious. You mumbled that and looked back to your own ice cream. You scooped some up and sighed holding it out for him to eat.Namjoon raised an eyebrow with a devilish smirk, before taking it in his mouth, "What happened to not knowing where my mouth has been?""I'll just assume that you use that mouth to kiss your mother and rap. Anything else I don't need to know about." He bit his bottom lip and chuckled going back to his own ice cream. He really should know how close you were to asking if he uses that mouth to kiss Jin. He laughed and walked ahead of you telling you to hurry along. As he leads you to the park, he asked you how you really felt about being the leader of a training group. You told him that you felt fine. Yoongi was the only one you wanted to know your real feelings about anything. That you were terrified to be a leader even if it wasn't real. Especially when one of your members apparently didn't want you to lead her. Walking next to Namjoon you tried to ask him if any of the members of Bangtan didn't want him to lead – but it felt weird. You shoved another spoonful in your mouth while pushing down your fears. Shit – this was in Namjoon's mouth! You huffed and tried to ignore how repulsed you were. When the two of you finally arrived at the park, your jaw dropped. It wasn't enormous, but it was beautiful with its lush green trees and a small pond in the center. From the left of the pond was a small swing set, with a mom and a small child on it. Innocent giggles filled the air as the child went higher and higher. You grin and glance over to Namjoon to see he's staring at you. His eyes are filled with joy then he coughed and gestured to a bench by the pond. Once you sit down, you get right into enjoying your ice cream. It was slightly melted but nothing you couldn't live with. Namjoon dug in and tapped his phone, music started to soar through the air. A song you didn't know played. Then an old BigBang song. Then a Kendrick Lamar track. The two of you sat eating ice cream, listening to the tunes and you realized how nice that it was. The sky was beautiful, the park lovey. It was nice. Sweeter than your strange late-night walks. It reminded you a bit of the date you used to go on with Jason. Pause. Date? Where did that come from? You chewed the inside of your cheek irritated that the shop lady put that thought into your head. Date! That's laughable. This was an outing between friends. Not a…date. Plus, soon you and Namjoon would have to part ways. You didn't forget that he was supposed to surprise his family. You also knew that you didn't want him to leave just yet. You guessed you were having fun. Familiar horns came blaring through his phone, and you swayed with the beat. "I love this song!" You grinned mouthing along with the words to Kanye West's Touch the Sky. "Two amazing Chi-town rappers!" Namjoon joined in with you as you were bopping and beaming from ear to ear. This was one of your favorite Kanye songs. Man, you missed the old Kanye. The two of you kept rapping the lyrics until you both stood up and screamed to the sky "THIS MUST BE HEAVEN!""I love Kanye. Totally in my top ten." Namjoon nodded, thinking seriously as you both sat down. You raised an eyebrow unable to keep your body still to the beat. Your knee brushed against his, sending shivers up your spine. You mumbled a quick apology chewing on your bottom lip. He smiled at you sweetly before hiding those perfect dimples behind his hands. "Oh yeah. Kanye is in my top ten American rappers." You say quickly trying not to explode at that moment. Your knee bumped against his, and your body was doing the weirdest thing. It was a knee. Against your knee. "You have different lists for different nationalities?" Namjoon asked. His warm eyes looked you up and down while he smirked. Then he crossed his arms over his chest like this was a challenge. "I have an overall list, an American list, and a Korean list." You shrug as the song changes over to a song you don't know. You sit back looking at the park eating more of your ice cream as Namjoon is looking at you expectantly. You grimace, "What?""You aren't going to tell me who is on what list?""Are you fishing for compliments?" "I might be." He grinned leaning close. You swallowed and looked away groaning your insides tightening up from the closeness. "You are on my overall list." You inform him scooting away from him trying to calm down. You focused all your energy on eating your ice cream slowly. For one, you were impossibly hot for such a beautiful day and for two anything not to talk about your favorite rapper list. Namjoon scooted closer his smile widening by the second."Oh c'mon. Please tell me whos on the list. I won't be offended – unless, you know, I'm not on it." Namjoon requested leaning in closer. You could smell his cologne, it was woodsy and smoky. He was too close. Too fucking close. You could see the gentle way the wind moved his dark hair. The sunlight making his eyes sparkle. The fullness of his soft lips. Your heart started to race in a panic. He leaned his head to the side slightly before biting his lip. Your eyes got wider almost as if you were trying to take a snapshot of the image. Then he winked. Your heart stopped."Kendrick Lamar, Childish Gambino, Kanye West, Suga slash Agust D, Lizzo, Drake, RM, Nicki Minaj, G-Dragon, Chance the Rapper. Special mention to Jay-Z and Queen B!" You screamed as nearly fall off your seat trying to place space between you and him. Then you close your eyes not wanting to look at him anymore. If you kept looking at him, then…you felt like…you could just…Well, you don't know what you were feeling, but you didn't like it. Namjoon's laughter filled the air as he fell back on the bench. You swallow taking deep breaths trying to relax. "I'm above Chance on your list. I'm honored. Right after Drake. Like – if this list had any merit I'd be crying right now." He chuckled. You smiled slightly happy that he wasn't offended that Yoongi was first. And happy that he didn't call you out on it, "Although I'm curious to hear your argument why Yoongi-hyung is higher than me." You rolled your eyes sighing hard. Namjoon just had to know! You didn't have a real reason to like Yoongi's rapping more than Namjoon's you just did. There was something about the grit in Yoongi's voice and how he gets announced pretty much before every verse. Something about the aggression in his words and the way he could dance around on the beat. Namjoon's rapping was just different – there was an extraordinary intelligence and this energy that Namjoon had. Yoongi was your number one, but Namjoon was a close second. "Tongue technology." You joke appreciative for the feelings of normalcy that were coming back. No matter what your body was doing this was a typical outing between friends. You didn't know why your heart was racing nor why your body was so warm, but you needed to relax. Namjoon raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms over her chest."I can rap fast too, I just don't feel the need too…" Namjoon mumbled under his breath. You paused for a second. Was he jealous? You snorted and chewed on your bottom lip, "Plus, did I hear G-Dragon in there?" "Of course, you did. GDragon-seonbae is bae." You answered simply, "If I had to quantify he's my bias.""Stop it!" Namjoon laughed, slapping his hand on his thigh, "You can't be serious. Your bias is with another company.""My heart knows no company bounds, Joonie. Kwon Ji-Yong could get it, Joon. When I meet him I –"Namjoon's eyes narrowed as he saw you weren't joking, "Kwon Ji-Yong, G-Dragon of BigBang is your bias. What about him?" "I donno…his smile, his look, his everything. There's just something about him, his swag I guess…the way he carries himself? I don't know." You sighed. He pressed his lips together in a flat line clearly unhappy with your bias choice. Why was he getting in such a huff about it? You rolled your eyes and as you opened your mouth to ask him what the problem was a scream filled the park air."Oh my GOSH! OH MY GOSH! RAP MON! IT'S RM!!" Both of you freeze before looking at each other slowly. Rap Mon. Someone called out his stage name. Oh no! Namjoon frowned before turning around looking where the voice was coming from. From the left side of the park three young women, all in school uniforms came running up to the bench you and the idol were sat at. You pursed your lips at him. So much for he walks around Ilsan all the time and never gets bothered. You crossed your arms and looked at him with a blank face their footsteps getting louder by the second."I'm so sorry to bother you! But holy crap! It's you! Our leader!" One of them babbled tears falling out of her eyes. Namjoon smiled at her gently before waving,"Hi! It's so nice to meet you." The three girls were talking over one another. Their voices were slightly grating to your ears. They were whiny, high pitched, and just the worst thing. You could only make out bits and pieces. One of the girl's glasses was getting foggy. The other one was firmly rooted in place leaning forward wanting to get close to the idol but terrified all the same. The other one was breathing heavily, her eyes large face wet with tears. Namjoon smiled brightly and crossed his legs listening attentively. "Can we get a picture?" The girl in the glasses asked with her hands pressed together. The two other girls joined in bowing in unison. Namjoon hopped up and grinned at them telling them of course! Anything for ARMY! You looked off in the other direction trying not to laugh and roll your eyes. His dedication to his fans was astounding. Then it went silent. When you looked back over they were all looking at you expectantly. You smiled and understood your part in all of this, you were here to take the picture. "I'm so sorry!" The firmly planted one cried, "Wait, RM, are you on a d– .""NO!" You and Namjoon said at the same time before the word came out of her mouth. Then you laughed sheepishly, "I'm uh…his…assistant?" Namjoon blinked and covered his mouth trying not to laugh. Assistant was a terrible lie, but better than the truth. That you were his friend. Because good little idols weren't supposed to have friends who were girls – moreover they weren't supposed to have foreigner friends that were girls. The fans looked at you intently before turning their view back at their leader. "Oh. I thought I knew all of the assistants and managers." The crying one babbled cleaning her snot away. Sasaeng fans. You force yourself not to visibly shudder."Internship." You said holding your hand out for one of their phones. Glasses girls handed over her phone unlocked. The girls crowded around Namjoon. He stood in the middle a giant in comparison to them. He kept his hands to himself as the girls put up peace signs and he smiled brightly his eyes closed. You weren't going to bring it up to him, but this was precisely what you were talking about when you first said it'd be bad to be seen with him. "Say Bangtan." You cooed. Everyone in the picture yelled it as you took a few shots. You handed it back to the girl who fretted over the image. They bowed over and over again saying their thanks. The girl with the glasses hissed that they should leave him alone. You wholeheartedly agreed. Namjoon waved the girls off who were walking from where they came from backward, not wanting to lose sight of their precious idol. As soon as they disappeared from the view, you gagged and sat back down. Their fawning over Namjoon made you feel sick. It was a sticky feeling in the pit of your stomach. It was annoying. They were annoying. This was what you meant when you told him that it wasn't the best if the two of you would be seen together. You didn't want to be involved in this. The fanfare, the yelling…people acting like you didn't exist because Kim Namjoon was around. You crossed your legs and arms trying to hide your irritation. He was Namjoon. To the world he was this brilliant, musically talented, attractive man…but he was just Namjoon. Even if those things are right. "Sorry…" He swallowed sitting next to you."It's fine." It comes out sharper than you mean it too. And he just let them whine over him playing right into their game. Not that he could be angry about it because of his image, but he nearly forgot that you were right there. Not that it mattered. It didn't matter. It doesn't matter. You were so irritated that you started to vibrate. You bounced your leg up and down staring at your phone. You didn't want to look at him because you were mad. Why were you mad?! Because you were right. And because he still hadn't gone to see his family. Those were valid reasons, right? You were right about everything. The one time you and he step off BigHit's compound fans show up. Although they showed up hours after this impromptu hangout began, they still showed up. And you felt like you had to lie about what the two of you were doing together. You didn't want to lie to be his friend with him in public. But – you guess that you could've said that you were friends. You were the one who chose to take it to an assistant level. You made the wrong decision…not him. You clicked your tongue scrolling through your phone."Is something wrong?" He asked quietly. You looked over at him quickly and shook your head remembering that you had to look up the train. You wanted to go home. You scrolled through the app seeing there was a train leaving the station in about 27 minutes. You'd make it back in time, "Y/N-ah." "Nothing is the matter alright!" You snapped glaring at him. Namjoon's eyes got large before a big beautiful smile set on his face."Are you…jealous?" He asked you. The question made you shudder. Like you'd be jealous of three young girls. You clicked your tongue ignoring his question. He chuckled and rubbed his thumb on his bottom lip, "You are! You are jealous! Aww, little kitten, do you wanna take a picture with me too?""If you continue I can't promise that all of your body parts will be found." You seethed. You? Jealous! Hilarious. You stand up and mumble that you were leaving. Namjoon sighed and stood up walking next to you, "You don't have to walk me to the train.""I'm not," Namjoon stated as he threw his arm around your shoulder. He held his phone out in front of him and gave his signature smile. The one where one eye is closed, and he was biting his bottom lip while smiling. The one that makes your stomach do flips. Your face, on the other hand, was not as attractive. Your smile looked forced and uncomfortable. He took the picture regardless. "Delete that." You groaned, pinching your nose ducking from under his arm. "Never!" He laughed, moving his thumbs across his phone. Your phone vibrated, "There. Now you have it." Your eye twitched as you stomped away from Namjoon. Then you stopped a few feet away yelling at him over your shoulder,"Thanks for the fun day! Or whatever!" Namjoon's laugh got louder as you headed back to the train. It repeated in your head the whole way home as you stared at the picture of two of you. You hated that the two of you looked kinda cute together, even if you did look annoyed. Shit. You left your ice cream behind! Dammit! You flung your arms in the air because there was no way you were going back after that. When you finally make it back to your dorm, Yoonsook was cuddled up with her boyfriend, Hosung. The two of them were watching some KDrama and jumped away from each other when you entered the room. You smirked and told them not to separate on your account. Yoonsook's whole face was the color of a tomato as if you caught them having sex. Hosung coughed and smiled asking if you'd like to sit. You shook your head and walked to your room commenting for them to have a nice date. Yoonsook's embarrassed groan was worth it. There is no right way to wake up from a nap, but Yoonsook screaming then busting in your door was defiantly the worst way. You peeled yourself from the desk slightly shocked you fell asleep while learning your new music. You had your first dance rehearsal tomorrow with your team, and as the leader, you HAD to have the music perfect. The singing you got down it was your full rap verse that was killing you. Yoonsook stood there her dark eyes big holding out a large bouquet of flowers, sunflowers and yellow roses mixed in. "Um. You have a secret admirer!" She screamed holding it out to you. In your half sleep state, you stared at her trying to understand what was going on. She kept talking faster, higher pitch about the flowers and secret admirers. You rubbed your eyes."What?" You whispered not believing that these beautiful flowers were for you, "Is there a card?"Yoonsook nodded her eyes twinkling, "It says – for strong bonds and even stronger friendships. Doesn't say who they are from though." Namjoon. Butterflies exploded all over your skin and in your stomach. You couldn't believe it. He sent you flowers. Holy shit. You took them from her arms and couldn't fight the smile plastered on your face. And you were actively trying not to grin knowing Yoonsook was going to pester you until the end of time. Flowers. Namjoon bought you fucking flowers. Fucking hell! Why the heck would he send you flowers?"You know who they are from don't you?" "Huh?" You squeaked looking back at her before shaking your head violently, "How would I know?! You know me! Nobody is gonna want to send me flowers!" Yoonsook walked closer to you putting her face close to yours almost trying to sniff your lie out. You laughed awkwardly taking a step back holding them close to your chest. "Well someone did." She smirked before crossing her arms over her chest, "Hmm…what about Suga-seonbae?""What! You are crazy." You roll your eyes and place the flowers on your desk trying to calm your heart. The thought of Yoongi giving you flowers sent your body into overdrive. Heat, butterflies, whatever the fuck was happening to you was making you nauseous. Him handing you a bouquet of flowers with that gummy smile of his. That new thought was worse than the last. You press your hands against your eyes shaking your head, "Yoonsook. I don't know who sent them, but I can tell you for certain it is not Suga-seonbae." Yoonsook eyed you up and down before walking out. She mouthed to you that she was going to find out what was going on. You rolled your eyes and turned back to the flowers. They were beyond beautiful. They were lush and lovely, and they looked expensive. So expensive. You took out your phone and took a picture before sending it to him. |Y/N: attachment 11018.jpg|Y/N: For once I'm at a loss for words, Joonie.His reply was immediate.|Joon: Those look nice. Who are they from? Why are you at a loss for words?You stared at your phone in horror. Was he serious? You started typing quickly when another message from him popped up.|Joon: Just kidding! I'm glad that you like them. They are mostly apology flowers…our first real outing together and I'm proven wrong.|Joon: Even if you were jealous What in the…Jealous?! There wasn't a jealous bone in your body. You typed quickly seeing red.|Y/N: I wasn't jealous. I was just hangry. |Joon: Sure. Whatever you say. |Joon: Lucky, you are cute regardless.|Y/N: Blocked. I don't have time for you sir. Your heart was throwing itself against your ribcage as it was racing. A fire pressed against your cheekbones. Cute. You were done with Namjoon for today. Maybe forever, but at least for today. Jesus Christ! You haven't felt like this since…well…You shut your eyes pushing down that thought. Jason and Namjoon are different. This feeling you have, while similar to what you felt back then, is not the same. Because – you weren't going to be so obvious to have a crush on…nope. You weren't even going to let that thought bubble keep going. You set down your phone and decided to learn your music. Anything to keep that thought at bay. And you were only feeling that way because he sent you flowers.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Is it fucked up to wish for the death of a person you hardly know? Probably. But in your defense, Miyung was a bitch. It’s like the girl lived and breathed hate in your direction. She must bathe in it. You thought that your first interaction together was a fluke. You knew that her stomping off in a huff was because she didn’t get the leader position. Once you heard that her sister was a leader of some other idol group you understood how important it was to her. And how unimportant being the leader was to you. If Miyung wanted to be a leader, you thought that she would go home and realize how ridiculous she was. Then she would come to you, as the leader that she wanted to be, and apologize. You had visions of her walking up to you with her hand stretched out, a smile on her face and the beautiful words of ‘I’m Sorry’ coming out. Perhaps it wouldn’t be as aggressive as that, but you hoped she would put her best foot forward in the first dance rehearsal. Or any foot forward if you were honest. Left foot. Right foot. A rabbit’s foot. A footlong ruler would’ve worked for you! Anything to show that Miyung was trying to be a better person, trying to be a leader…but, of course, your hopes were too fucking high. The moment you stepped into the studio you were greeted by her announcement that you were late. Miyung stood there with her long hair in a high ponytail, a slight sheen of sweat on her body. How long had she been there? Blinking, you pulled out your phone and saw that you were ten minutes early. Before you could even ask what in the hell she meant she commented that if you weren’t at least fifteen minutes early, you were late. You grimaced and rolled your eyes taking deep breaths to keep your angry thoughts to yourself. Okay, maybe…you should’ve been here first. You are the leader. You quickly nodded walking past her and sat down getting ready to stretch. You should’ve known from that moment that it was going to be a nightmare, but you tried to remain impartial. A few minutes after you started stretching the rest of the ladies walked in looking like models, of course. Yeonjoo had her honey brown bob clipped back with a headband to keep her bangs out of her eyes. Heeae’s long hair was flowing as she walked in and it reminded you slightly of Sailor Mars. Jiho was drowning in a black sweatshirt and black leggings. The problem group member smiled at them and told the three girls how pleased she was that they were on time, then gave you side-eye as if you were supposed to say something. You looked at them blankly as they sat near you then gave a thumbs up. Miyung was not going to tell you how to do your job for this group that wasn’t even a real group! You didn’t care. She groaned shaking her head as the instructor walked in. The group scrambled to get up quickly and bow at the young man who would be teaching the moves. He was fitted in a white shirt with a black vest over it and some purple joggers. The instructor smiled at everyone before putting his gray hair into a small bun on the top of his head. His teeth reminded you of those square pieces of gum with the hard shell. You heard Yeonjoo gasp and whisper that he was Son Sungdeuk’s assistant choreographer. His smile became bigger then bowed in return quickly. He clapped his hand, and the group filed into a line obediently. He introduced himself as Jay, stressing that there wasn’t any need for honorifics. Jay went on to explain how the first day was going to go. He was going to show the full routine twice, then break it down into sections. After two hours he was going to leave regardless if the team knew it or not and it was up to the dance captain to make sure the routine was down pact. You glanced over to Miyung who looked so proud and smug that she could’ve burst. Two hours did not seem like a lot of time to get a routine down, but you had to trust the process. You had to remember your goals. That this was all a part of the bigger plan to be a producer. You focused on Jay and tried your hardest to move your body the way it was supposed to go. You’d be lying if you didn’t admit that this was the hardest dance that you learned thus far. It was so fast. You thought you were getting good with, but the mini moves in between the beats had you all messed up. You’d look over at Miyung and Yeonjoo who were learning at such a rapid pace. Seeing Miyung look so good doing the dance made you buckle down harder. And just as you felt like you were starting to get it, Jay waved goodbye and left. When Miyung stepped forward, you knew that this was going to be a bad time for you. Your dance captain smiled sweetly at everyone, except for you, then said she would help everyone get the dance to where it needed to be. With the other girls, Miyung was sweet, kind, even funny. She took her time to help Jiho with the steps she was having a hard time with. Which was honestly the whole song because Jiho was more legs than anything. When Jiho would dance, she looked like a newborn deer. You spent a lot of time behind her pressing your lips together trying not to laugh out loud. A few snickers drifted from you which Jiho returned with a hearty laugh and a shrug. She patted your shoulder and said that she knew that she looked ridiculous and that you could laugh if you wanted too. Miyung spoke for you, of course, she did that a leader would never giggle at her teammates. You rolled your eyes and took a deep breath, counting to ten. Namjoon laughed at his team all the time…especially when they were ridiculous. And Bangtan was always absurd. And watching Jiho trying to do these steps was the funniest thing you’d seen in days. While Jiho was learning the steps from she-who-should-not-be-named Yeonjoo made sure to help Heeae with the section she was leading. It made you smile to see the two of them working together so well. Yeonjoo was full of giggles while Heeae was focused on making sure her part was beautiful. The two of them seemed close as Yeonjoo didn’t hesitate to put her hands on Heeae, who pushed her long black hair behind her ears so often you wanted to offer her one of your ponytail holders. You stuck with the Heeae and Yeonjoo, who walked you through the steps. Everything was going smoothly for the first rehearsal. Everybody, but you, was learning their part well. Then Miyung decided to turn her sights on to you. Your stomach turned into knots as she turned around and looked at you with an evil glint in her eye. She restarted the music and gestured for you to dance. You rolled your eyes and sighed hard moving your body as best as you could. Miyung watched you do your part and rolled her eyes, making a ‘light’ joke about how you were born with two left feet. You took a deep breath and ignored her again trying to focus on your steps. Miyung watched you like a hawk and treated you like prey. Any misstep, mistake, a slight lack of focus was commented on. She was worse than any dance instructor that you’ve had so far. And she wasn’t even the dance instructor. She was the dance captain. Her goals should be to make you feel as confident about the dance as you could. Like Jimin. Or like Hoesok. As you finished the song, you put your hands on your knees trying to gulp all the air you could. “It wasn’t terrible…” Yeonjoo muttered, putting her index finger over her lips to keep her laughs in check. “Ha. Ha.” You groaned, “Laugh it up, ladies.” Jiho’s loud laugh flooded the dance studio as she held her stomach, “I’m so glad you gave the okay because yo… that was the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while.” “Like you are one to talk, Jiho-ssi,” Heeae smirked, hip checking the tall girl. “It’s unfortunate that our leader can’t dance well, right girls.” Miyung sighed trying to rope the rest into whatever she was trying to do. You shrugged, “If I can be like half of a good leader as RM-seonbae, then I feel like that’s a mission accomplished. And we all know he can’t dance. Anyone that tall should feel lucky they can walk and talk at the same time, let alone dance. And l know he can barely walk and talk.” You giggled to yourself thinking about the few times Namjoon tripped over cracks in the sidewalk while waking you home. You pressed your lips together trying not to laugh thinking about the one time he nearly busted all of his shit. That you wished you had on camera. Miyung looked at you blankly, then her eyebrows pressed together in confusion. You raised an eyebrow at her trying to figure out why she was looking at you like that. “What do you mean you know he can barely walk and talk?” She questioned walking over to you. You looked at the other girls who all had the same curious look on their face. You swallowed and smiled at them sheepishly before turning around and looking at them from the mirror.“I mean, every tall person I know is super clumsy. That’s what I mean when I say I know. Educated guess.” Yeonjoo and Heeae looked at each other with a shrug satisfied with your answer. “Yeah, she is right. I know personally as a tall lady that I can barely walk and talk.” Jiho added running up and throwing her arm over your shoulder. “Jiho…you can barely, you know what…fine.” Miyung groaned, “C’mon ladies…lets…” “Get in formation?” You teased. Because you’d rather be learning Beyoncé choreography than this intricate dance any day of the week. Miyung rolled her eyes and just pointed at the spot that you were supposed to be in. With the last beat of the song over you found yourself unable to stand and ungracefully fell to the floor with your arms flopped out. You assumed that you looked like a dead fish. A few seconds later you heard all but Miyung fall to the ground with you. You wheezed out 'good job' and got grunts as thanks in return. You chuckled. From the corner of your eye, you could see Miyung’s legs shaking, and it looked like she was going to fall at any moment. Not that seeing her collapse would make you happy, but it wouldn’t not make you smile.“C’mon dance captain…get on the floor with the rest of us.” Heeae groaned, covering her face with her hands.“No. I’m fine…” Miyung winced, leaning against the mirror.“You don’t look fine.” Jiho coughed sitting up slowly. She grimaced and grabbed her stomach, mouthing cramps over and over.“If you sit down with us it doesn’t make you weak,” Yeonjoo whispered pushing up her glasses with her index finger. Miyung looked over to her with a blank face then rolled her eyes huffing. Why was she stupid? It didn’t make her less than the group to be laying down with all them. If anything it made her closer to the ladies.Miyung’s stupidity irritated you to your core. First, she wasn’t kind to you. Second, she was trying to act all high and mighty. Third, she wanted your position. A position that didn’t matter! A job that you didn’t want. Now – she couldn’t have it even if she tried to pry it from you. You were better than her in every way. She wasn’t leader material, and she needed to see that. You smirked and shrugged at her,“I mean I guess you are above the rest of the team then if you don’t want to sit with us after our first rehearsal. Way to makes us feel like a group.” You yawned laying back on the cold floor closing your eyes. Jiho’s obnoxious laugh erupted from your left making you crack open one eye to see your fellow rapper rolling around on the floor.“She’s got you there, Yungie-ssi.” Jiho snorted, “Ooh! I got it! I dare you to sit down!” Miyung’s face went white then her lips curled up with disgust before she let herself fall to the floor. More laughter filled up the room from the rest of the girls, but you were confused as to why she obeyed so suddenly. It didn’t seem like her style. You looked at your team for some type of confirmation. Heeae smiled then sighed,“We…” She paused to gesture the other girls, “have this continuous game of Truth or Dare going on.”You raised an eyebrow, “When would you have time to start that let alone continue it?”“Heeae-ah is my roommate and best friend. We’ve been playing it for years now. Then Jiho and Miyung joined in from just hanging around us.” Yeonjoo said quietly as if you were the weird one for not having a continuous game of truth or dare going on.“You should play with us!” Jiho grinned mischievously. You sighed feeling your body start to feel better and shook your head,“I’m good. You all enjoy your forever game of truth or dare.” You glanced at the clock as your body decided that it wanted to stay seated instead of go to your apartment.“Aww, is the leader afraid of a little game?” Miyung cooed. Your eyes snapped over to her as your nails dug into your thighs. Fuck this bitch. Seriously.“Nobody is afraid of your stupid little game, Miyung. I don’t see the point in it.” You announced forcing yourself to stand.“Then you’ll play?” Heeae asked leaning her head against her knees. You took a deep breath and rolled your eyes,“Fine sure.” You came to the decision of playing the game because anything that Miyung could do, you could do better. Also – it would be a good bonding experience for all of you. You still hardly knew the ladies so it was important to have that foundation. Or maybe it wasn’t. Being in a fake group was strange.“I dare you to speak only in BTS lyrics for 24 hours.” Miyung giggled. You shook your head and started to walk out of the room,“You’re so cold-hearted.” You groaned as you walked through the threshold of the door. The last thing you heard before walking down the hall was Jiho screaming,“SPINE BREAKER! SO GOOD!” Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to speak in BTS lyrics. Your knowledge was reasonably extensive…you had this in the bag. Easy peasy…now you were off to ice your whole body. Because your momma didn’t raise no quitter – you followed the directions to the T even when the girls were not around. If you didn’t have a lyric to match what you were trying to say you merely nodded. And honestly, it was harder than you thought it would be. Your piano class didn’t have a lot of verbal communication, and in your voice lesson you just pointed and nodded at her. It wasn’t until you got home and spent time with your roommate you started to get worried. Yoonsook asked you a fundamental question, and you stared at her as if your brain shut down. It did – but she didn’t know that. She put her hand on your forehead to make sure you weren’t ill, and you pushed her hand off of you about to tell her that you weren’t sick. But last time you checked that was a BigBang lyric and only sorta. You pulled out your phone and put up a finger to communicate for Yoonsook to wait. It wasn’t cheating if you texted someone for help. It totally wasn’t cheating if you texted one of the writers of BTS songs for help. Right? Right.|Y/N: How well do you know your lyrics?Yoonsook sighed and started to tap her foot. You looked at her apologetically and put up your finger again. She rolled her eyes and told you when you were ready to speak she’d be on the couch.|Joon:...What kind of question is that? |Y/N: A totally legit one. How well do you know your lyrics? |Joon: Does someone have your phone? |Y/N: *eye roll gif* |Y/N: Why would someone have my cell phone, Joon? Plus, its password protected. |Y/N: Anyway, I need help. I’m playing a game, and I’m only allowed to say BTS lyrics. I was just asked ‘Are you going to eat dinner?’Watching the dots appear then disappear was nerve-wracking.|Joon: So, this game, are you cheating by asking me?You sighed and chewed on your bottom lip putting your hand on your hip. Of course, Namjoon would want to know about the ethics of his involvement.|Y/N: Not technically. |Joon: What does that mean, not technically. |Y/N: It means that they didn’t say I couldn’t ask you for help or look up lyrics. They said I had to speak in BTS lyrics for 24 hours. They should’ve been more specific. You gonna help me or not? |Joon: Sure. |Joon: One condition.You groaned and nearly threw your phone across the room. Yoonsook looked at you from the couch, and you shook your head pursing your lips together in irritation. If you knew that it was going to take this long, you would’ve just googled it. You should’ve just googled it.|Y/N: What is your condition? |Joon: On Friday skip your secret class with Yoongi-hyung and hang out with me instead.His text shocked you so much that you froze not sure what to do. You scrunched up your nose and opened your mouth over and over like a fish unable to breathe. You started to write back that he was nuts and other things to really get to him that he was outta line when his next text came through.|Joon: Unless you didn’t have fun the other day.Warmth pressed against your cheeks as you glanced over in your room looking at the flowers that he sent you. You bit your bottom lip taking a deep breath trying to calm yourself down and stop your heart from bursting out of your rib cage. Yes, you had fun the other day. You had more fun than you’d care to admit because if you acknowledged that you had fun…you’d have to agree that you were…having feelings…and feelings were terrible, unnecessary, troubling, confusing, not worth your time, did you mention bad already? You groaned and pressed the base of your hands into your eyes until you saw stars.|Y/N: You know what? I’ll just use google. Thanks for being so helpful. |Joon: Instead of agreeing to hang out with me you’d instead pour through hours of lyrics to find the perfect one. Doesn’t sound efficient but fine. |Y/N: Because you want me to skip out on my studies with Suga-seonbae! They are important to me. |Joon: Fine. Hang out with me later that day then? |Y/N: I hang out with you, and you tell me one lyric? |Joon: Tick tock, kitten. Yes or No.You sighed then typed your response quickly even though your whole body was hot, and butterflies erupted through your system. It wasn’t like you haven’t hung out with Namjoon alone before. It just two friends hanging out.|Y/N: Yes. |Joon: ‘Angry? Hungry? Yes, I’m hangry.’ |Y/N: Thank you.Once you spoke the lyric out loud, Yoonsook looked at you with more confusion, and you sighed shaking your head, slumping down into a seat at the kitchen table. All that work and it was pointless. Walking into Yoongi’s studio at the usual time you were tired and irritable. It was hard enough dealing with Miyung’s bullshit, but this weird game of forever truth or dare was starting to get to you. Unfortunately, most of their lyrics didn’t cover basic topics and were about the state of the world. If you wanted to have a conversation about politics or love your seonbaes had you covered. But a normal conversation you were fucked.Yoongi smiled tapping his fingers on her knees, his starry eyes bright and his dark hair falling into his eyes. He looked like he had been in the studio all night, a blanket tossed on the couch lazily. His eyebrow went up as you scowled in return, falling straight to the sofa groaning into it. There was a feeling that you would never get used too, Yoongi’s eyes on your skin. You pressed your face deeper into the black couch and mumbled,“Put away your weakness.” The only thing you could come up for stop looking at me, Suga-seonbae. The chair creaked gently as Yoongi scooted closer to you.“What?”You frowned harder, looking over at him trying to figure out what you are trying to say, “I feel alive although it’s hard and tough,” You hoped that he understood that you were trying to say I’m tired.“Bunny?” He questioned while walking over and crouching down to look in your eyes. His brilliant eyes bore into yours as you smiled weakly,“Thank you for letting me be me…”“Are you speaking lyrics?” The nod you gave Yoongi was so violent that you nearly reached out and hugged him. Sweet, smart genius! Your perfect seonbae. At that moment the love you had for him was beyond anything you had felt before. “Why are you speaking our lyrics?”“Don’t worry about anything else!”“I get it, you are speaking our lyrics.” He asked pressing his lips together trying to keep his laughter in check. You nodded again and looked around trying to find the exact thing to say to him to get him to understand you.“Yes! In this rap game.” C’mon beautiful, brilliant boy. You smiled up at him trying to will him to understand you completely. You made sure to emphasize game. His starry eyes got wide as he nodded,“You’re playing a game. And in this game, you have to say our lyrics…why?”“Maybe I’m your truth and your lie.”“Truth and lie…wait truth or dare!”You screamed with joy startling him, and before you knew it, your arms were wrapped around Yoongi’s frame squeezing him tightly. You burrowed your head into his chest laughing intensely. He tensed up in your arms before chuckling and patting your back a few times. You looked up into his eyes and realized the mistake you made and unraveled from him, chewing on the inside of your cheek. You started to say the lyrics from Stigma when he cut you off,“Who dared you to say our lyrics. Seems kind of like a lame dare but…” He sighed before sitting on the couch. You sat next to him and nodded shrugging.“Love you, my brother, I’ve got brothers.”“Your test group, ah.”“God. You live up to the name genius.” You beamed unable to continue on the conversation. One little slip up in Yoongi’s studio wouldn’t hurt. And it wasn’t like he would tell anyone.“That’s what I’ve been told. I’m glad that you’re done with that.” Yoongi yawned putting his head on the back of the sofa and covering his eyes,“Me too. Hey…um…” You stared, looking down at your black leggings, “Sorry about the hug. I don’t know what came over me. I was just excited you know.” Yoongi raised an eyebrow then smirked, and somehow you were disappointed in that answer. You chewed on the inside of your cheek and sighed shaking your head, trying to push out thoughts that didn’t belong there. He wasn’t a touchy guy. He wasn’t like Tae. So, then why did it frustrate you that he didn’t say it wasn’t a big deal? You stood up and grabbed your books trying to fill the world up with English than think about that hug with your seonbae. When your team said that the game was continuous, they were serious. All truth or dares had to be complete, or a worse fate would set on you. You didn’t want to know the worse outcome, but you were tired of playing. Every day during rehearsal there was a new torture designed as a dare from Miyung to you. A dare to freestyle on the spot. You do, and it’s a train wreck. You have to tell the truth about your past relationships. Your group is shocked that you’ve only dated one guy. You were annoyed and wished you never started playing this stupid game. When you finally got to Yoongi’s studio after two whole days of that stupidity the word exhaustion had little meaning to you. You were beyond drained. Dance rehearsals with Miyung ‘Satan’ Yu were getting to you in a way that you weren’t expecting. Your body wasn’t just tired – your mind was. And Yoongi wasn’t helping the situation by asking tons of questions about the lesson for today. He asked why things were the way they were and every time you said you had no idea. You had no idea why ‘I’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c.’ You didn’t know why ‘AEIOU’ were vowels. You didn’t know why there were exceptions to every single fucking English rule. You just knew that they were, and he had to follow them. How did Yoongi do this every night? Every night up at 2 to make music and teach you. Didn’t the man sleep? Wasn’t that one of his personality traits that people keep harping on? You yawned and kept spouting out facts about the English language while your head bobbed forward as you slurred your words. Yoongi snapped his fingers in front of your face and gave you a look full of concern. You threw up the ‘OK’ sign and but gave you a look that said he didn't believe you. But, he wasn’t worried enough to stop asking you dumb questions though. Yoongi didn’t exactly appreciate your lack of answers, but you enjoyed when his alarm went off. You put your hands in the air as a small prayer that you got through it and beamed at him. He sighed and smirked at your joy. Pressing your back against the couch that the two of you were sitting on you realized how comfortable it was. It was the perfect couch. You could grab the blanket, lean your head back and take a quick nap. You let your head fall backward closing your eyes for a bit.“Can we forgo studio today? I’m so tired.” Yoongi’s gentle hum was the yes that you needed. You closed your eyes and found peace in the silence of the Genius lab. A thirty-minute nap was exactly what you desired. You took a few deep breaths in feeling sleep coming to you quickly. You muttered your thanks to Yoongi before you were completely knocked out. The last thing you hear before you completely fall asleep is him telling you to sleep well.“Bunny….Bunny…” A voice sounded far away as you started to come too. You were so warm and cozy you didn’t want to move. You pressed your face deeper into the softness shaking your head and begging for a few more minutes of sleep. The last bits of a strange dream which involved way too much ice cream started to fade. You sighed and thought that maybe if you stayed still for a bit longer you could sleep more, “C’mon you are gonna be late to dance. And you are drooling on my stuff.” Wha…why was Yoongi’s voice in your dreams. Yawning once more an “Hmm?” came out muffled. You mumbled curses from being woken up while stretching your body out and rubbing your eyes. With one eye open and covering mouth from a yawn, you were trying to figure out what was going on. As your world came into focus, you were looking into a Yoongi’s beautiful eyes and your breath caught in your chest. Hit or Kiss range. Min Yoongi was in your hit or kiss range. That’s the only thing that you could focus on. Not your lack of breathing, or that you were in his lap – but how close he was to you. How soft and gentle his lips looked, how bright his skin was. That small mole that he has under his right eye. So. Fucking. Close. Hit or Kiss. The theater phrase repeated in your mind over and over again as you tried to figure out what to do and how you got here. Hit or Kiss. Hit or kiss. Or kiss. Kiss. Shit! No! You yelped and shot up your heart racing. Why the hell were you that close to him? Di..did you fall asleep in his lap? Wait that couldn’t be possible. You were sleeping back against the couch. What the fuck? What the fuck! He raised an eyebrow at your confusion before getting up from the couch and moving to his usual chair. The blanket slipped off of your body as you sat there dumbfounded.“How…did…”“You’re gonna be late.” He mumbled, rubbing his own eyes. As your heart sprinted in your chest, you scrambled to grab your things and rush out of the genius lab trying your hardest not to wonder why you were sleeping on Yoongi. You never imagined that he’d be that soft. Or that warm. Or that you’d even be able to do that ever in life. Not that you want too.Kiss. You totally don't want to do that.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Certain things in life make you feel nauseous. One – stage fright. Your grand Korean Idol adventure hasn’t really helped that. Two – spiders. The little black creepy crawlies make your whole body seize up, and you run in the opposite direction. Your little brother, Kevin, loved to pick them up and put them as close to you as he could. The screams coming from your mouth wouldn't stop until you had confirmation from your mom and Marina that the evil thing was gone from his hand. Three – meeting people in unknown places. It wasn't that you were afraid that you'd be kidnapped or anything outrageous like that. It was the whole standing waiting for people that made you uncomfortable. Nobody liked being the girl standing there waiting for someone, but nobody liked being the foreign girl standing there waiting even more. You stood out like an elephant in a sea of chickens. Standing there on a semi-busy street the sounds of footsteps and cars rushing past couldn’t hide you. Nor could the rustling of the trees from the park across the street. Even with your sunglasses, curls under a beanie, body drowning in a black sweater dress you couldn’t blend in. You pulled your sleeves down further before tucking your arms over your chest then sighed leaning against the building you were waiting to go in with Namjoon. He was adamant about waiting for him to get there and going inside with you. You wished that you took up Yoonsook’s offer of using a facemask. The look was starting to grow on you. A slight gasp pulled your attention from the tree you were looking at to a little boy. He was holding on to his mother’s hand and trying to pull away from her to get to you. “Mommy! Look! She lo—” He started before his mother put her hand over his mouth and bowed to you intensely, "I'm so sorry..." The woman spoke in broken English. You shrugged and bowed at her in return, “Kids will be kids, right?” You answered in Korean with a smile as the woman’s eyes got large. She bowed once more and ushered the kid off while scolding him. Kids were always okay in your book. Kids were curious creatures by nature, and that didn't change because of location. Even in LA, you'd have a random kid walk up to you and be fascinated by the color of your skin or the braids in your hair. It was adults that couldn’t get a pass. Not while the world wide web existed, and everything was at their fingertips. Nope. And while you stood there waiting for Namjoon for eight minutes at least fifteen adults had stopped and stared, only to be pulled away when you pushed your sunglasses up to show them that you saw them. The deep crimson that covered their faces was retribution for what they did…but not enough. The way they stared at you was worse than the staring itself. If it were a quick glance you’d never notice, never feel it… but it never was a quick glance. It was always long, intense trying to see if you were some type of alien or fever dream. Maybe you were a little of both. Sighing, you pulled out your phone to curse a certain idol out. Being late was fine – but you didn’t get a text letting you know how long you had to wait. Kim Namjoon might have others used to waiting on him, but you were not going to join that category. |Y/N: I’m leaving|Joon: Wait! I’m sorry! I’ll be there...|Joon: in|Joon: a “Moment.” Namjoon stood in front of you grinning from ear to ear, his dimples on both sides. His gray beanie covered his whole head with a pair of black sunglasses over his chocolate eyes. You peered over his shoulder at the large black Mercedes passenger van with the tinted windows. He shoved his hands into the pockets exhaling deeply, “That’s why I’m late.” You rolled your eyes and headed to the door of the still very mysterious place Namjoon invited you too, “I mean, you invited me here…” “I know. I’m sorry. Won’t happen again.”You nodded and paused in your steps waiting for Namjoon to give you some type of explanation of where you were or what he planned for the two of you. He grinned and winked at you before walking up to the glass door that was black. Namjoon knocked on the door three solid times before it creaked open. He spoke quickly then waited a moment for the door opened all the way. The rapper took a step back and gestured for you to walk in first. You looked him up and down with horror on your face. You weren't dumb enough to walk into a place you knew nothing about first, doesn't matter if he was an idol. This was a still a strange place, and you were still in a strange land. Namjoon sighed and mouthed, ‘please.' You groaned and pushed your sunglasses to the top of your head walking inside, “If I’m killed Namjoon I promise to haunt you forever.” "I'd never let you get hurt, kitten." He whispered as you walked by. You took your bottom lip in your mouth biting down on it taking a deep breath. Usually, a phrase like that would get to you, make your stomach fill up with butterflies, make your body all tingly. But not today. The room you walked into was no more significant than your living room, except all of the walls were covered in black shelves filled top to bottom with books. Some shelves were filled to the point where bottoms started to curve under pressure. In the center of the room was a green table with a crown and a cartoon dog face painted in white on it’s face. Across from the table was another bookshelf but it was missing two books right next to each other. You tilted your head to the side before looking at Namjoon who was grinning wider. “I’ve been dying to come here. I had an appointment set up for 2am to avoid the crowds but they made an exception for me to come now.” He announced walking to his left, “Help me find the green book with either of those symbols on it.” “You still not gonna explain what this is?” You blinked gesturing to the random room you were in. “You’ll see in a moment, kitten. Green book. Crown or Dog on its spine.” Namjoon mumbled starting to look for the green book with the icons on it. Your eyes rolled in the back of our head as you headed in the opposite direction of him trying to find this stupid book with a silly dog on it. You should've stayed home. The last time you and Namjoon hung out was a happy accident. Now a planned hang out session with Namjoon felt forced and strange. Does he often take friends to random locations without giving them details or were you special? You didn't want to be unique. Your hand skimmed over the spins of books you've never even heard of. You're pretty sure the titles aren't real. ‘How to Walk in the Darkness,' ‘Growing by Hope: Rebirth of a Person,' ‘Butterflies at my Work.' “Namjoon…” You sighed, looking over your shoulder, “These aren’t even real books.” “So observant.” He chuckled, “C’mon – only the green books.” Namjoon furrowed his brow looking up and down the rows of books, letting his fingers touch the spines of the green books. His light blue jean jacket sat nicely across his shoulders with his black shirt tucked into his black jeans and doc martins on his feet. He looked nice…he always looked nice. You, on the other hand, looked like someone who forgot that she had plans and threw something on. Even if the opposite was true. You liked how his expression changed as he looked at the book titles, his face lighting up at something funny…frowning at something confusing. “Do you like what you see?” He asked his eyes slowly sliding to meet yours. You stifled down your screams and turned back around looking for the mystery green book. "I was just watching for…suggestions." You said nonchalantly before you found what you were looking for. A green book – but the one you found had a crown on it instead of the dog, "Found the crown." Namjoon sucked his teeth in irritation, “I was hoping to beat you. And you took a break to look at me.” “I wasn’t looking at you – I was watching for inspiration to find the book! And it worked.” "All I'm going to take from that is that I inspire you. I'm flattered." Namjoon smirked standing straight putting his hand on a green book, "Got the dog." He pulled the book from its spot, and you did the same. You were playing the most confusing game of 'follow the leader.' Namjoon walked to the bookshelf across from the table and placed his book in the empty slot across from the dog drawing. You set your book next to his. A loud click filled the room then the bookshelves slid away to a much larger room covered in beautiful pieces of art. An art gallery! Kim Namjoon took you to an art gallery. Your lips parted as you looked at the first painting of a beautiful young African-American woman in a purple hanbok with white peony flowers behind her. You walked forward staring at her as if it wasn’t real. All around you were paintings of women who looked like you but dressed in something your momma would wear. It was if you were looking in a mirror. You'd never worn a hanbok before, but you felt like these paintings were you. From the girl with beautiful deep coffee skin her hair in the most magnificent afro you'd ever seen to the young woman with golden-brown skin with blond afro puffs. You placed your hands over your mouth turning to look at Namjoon. He stood there in the center of the room his hands behind his back smiling brightly. “I thought you might like it. These are by Royal Dog, he’s a graffiti artist usually. He wanted to try a new media and made these.” “These are so beautiful, Joonie…like…” “Then what are you looking at me for? Enjoy. We’ve got the place to ourselves for a while.” Namjoon chuckled shooing you off. You nodded at him and mouthed thank you before you drifted from painting to painting. Each painting made you warm, happy, excited. And to think that Namjoon brought you here and you fought him the whole way. How did he know you well enough to know you'd like this kind of things? Is he a mind reader? You glanced over to him and saw him looking at you. You opened your eyes wide and turned your focus back to the painting before you take deep breaths to try to slow your heart rate. Didn't you say you weren't going to do all these acrobatics earlier? You stretched your neck swinging your arms back and forth moving to the next piece of art but couldn't shake the feeling that he was still looking at you. You peeked over to Namjoon again to see if you were just feeling things, then you connected to his warm eyes. “What?” You muttered, turning your attention back to the art you were supposed to be looking at, "You looked at me earlier, and now I'm returning the favor." You sighed and pinched the bridge of your nose crossing your arms over your chest again, "You might be smart, but you don't listen well. I said that I was looking at you to see how you were searching for the book. Nothing more. Nothing less." You tried to sound unbothered, but your voice wavered, and you spoke too quickly. You seemed nervous. You felt nervous, but a different type of nervous. Not like singing in front of a crowd of people…but like…you swallowed and took a deep breath turning to look at him to combat the feelings you were having. “Actually, what you said is you were looking at me for inspiration to find the book.” He laughed walking over to stand next to you, “I listen very well thank you.” “Smart ass.” You smirked, pushing him a bit away from you. “Thank you!” Namjoon said putting his hand on his chest acting like he was touched by your words. You rolled your eyes again, “You annoy me.” “You sound like Yoongi-hyung.”“I do spend a lot of time with him. And he’s my favorite of your bunch.” You teased looking up at Namjoon. He raised his eyebrows in surprise and leaned in closer, “We will see about that, kitten.” You swallowed staying firmly in place as Namjoon got close to your personal bubble. As you tried to find the words to get yourself out of this strange position he reached out slowly and put his hand behind your head, “Your tag is sticking out.” He whispered leaning in closer to your face. You felt his long warm fingers dance on the back of your neck before slipping the tag into your sweater dress. You took shallow breaths as Namjoon’s fingers moved from the back of your neck to your jaw sending sparks throughout your whole body. RING. RING. RING. The sound of your ringtone made you jump ten feet in the air and five feet back from Namjoon. Heat throbbed against your cheeks as you turned from him and held your chest silently thanking whatever force in the universe for that distraction. You pulled out your phone and pressed the green button, happy to have your senses back. “Whatcha doin?” You heard through the phone. You looked up quickly to see Marina beaming at you from LA. “Uh…” You still had a hard time forming words after whatever that was a few moments ago, “I’m at a gallery.” “Then why do you sound out of breath?” “Uh.” You started again, “I dunno, Marina. It’s not a good time.” “What do you mean it’s not a good time? You are just at a gallery. Are you with a friend?” Your sister question tapping her fingers on her lips, her blue eyes sparkling impishly. “Yes, she is.” Namjoon chuckled. You turned around and glared at him putting your finger on your lips begging him to be quiet. He shook his head and held his hand out for the phone. Oh hell no. He must be kidding! You shook your head no at him and hissed asking him to leave you alone, “Who are you talking too? I mean if you are busy then I can call back later…” “That would be for the best, MarMar. I’m –” Namjoon pulled the phone from your hand placing it so only his face was visible. You groaned and covered your face. Well, there goes that secret. "HOLY FUCKING SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! IT'S NAMJOON! IT'S RM! SWEET GOD! Y/N! DO YOU KNOW RM HAS YOUR PHONE?" Marina screamed through the phone. Namjoon laughed as you peaked through your fingers. He put his fist on his cheek melting Marina's heart even further. “Yes…” You mumble, “I know that RM has my phone.” “Wh…why….why does he have your phone?” “Because he took it from me. Why don’t you ask him?!” You groan not even bothering to fight what was happening. You walked to the bench in the center of the room and sat down allowing your sister to bask in the light of her idol. Even if it wasn’t her bias. She’d take the leader. Namjoon spoke to your sister for much longer than you wanted him too. But you really wanted him to say ‘Hi, keep up the good work, bye.’ You glared at him from where you sat trying to get him to stop talking to Marina. They had a full conversation about what classes she was taking, how he was doing, some of their favorite things to do in LA. Somewhere in the middle of the conversation Namjoon made his way to the bench and sat next to you.And then the chat turned to you, “I bet you miss Y/N a lot?” He asked. You glared at him harder and turned so your back was facing him, “Yeah! So much! Even if she doesn’t respect me as her uh…what’s the Korean word for big sister.” “Unnie.” You and Namjoon said together, “Yeah, even if I am her unnie, she never treats me like it, and I worry about her. So, it makes me very happy to hear that she has good friends. Between Yoonsook, the guy who helps her with her studio studies, the guy she made cookies for, and her other friends she's doing so well there. That makes me really happy because I know that she had a hard time growing up and –" “Okay, we’re done now.” You snapped, turning back reaching for the phone, “Marina not another word.” “What? He doesn’t know about…” She whispered her blue eyes big. You clenched your jaw and nearly threw yourself over Namjoon’s lap trying to get your phone back that he was holding away from you. “He doesn’t, and I’d like to keep it that way.” You growled then Namjoon softened turning the phone back to himself, “Alright, I think our chat is over sadly. Thank you for always supporting my other members and me. We'd be nothing without you. If you ever come to visit, please make sure Y/N brings you over for a visit okay?” Marina’s eyes welled up with tears as she nodded dramatically, “O..of course, RM! Thank you so much! For everything. Please make sure to get some rest and drink water. Thank you for taking care of my sister.” Namjoon smiled brightly and nodded at her before handing the phone back to you. “I love you Mar. I’ll call you later.” You mumbled before hanging up on her. You looked at your knees and swallowed. Namjoon sat still next to you unsure what to say or do. Your heart was racing for another reason as bad memories started to come to the front. You took a deep breath holding it for a few moments then exhaling, “There are things I don’t talk about. That’s all I’m going to say about it.” You looked over to him and gave him a soft smile, “Thank you for today, I had fun…and thank you for talking to Marina. She’s going to die happy.” Namjoon relaxed and returned your smile, “I’m glad you had fun. I love doing stuff like this, and I'm happy you do too.” You rolled your eyes and laughed gently. You patted his shoulder and stood up walking to the door deciding that now was the right time to leave. Namjoon reached out quickly and grabbed your hand holding you in place, “I know you don’t want to talk about it. But if you ever do – I don’t care what time of day, what I’m doing, where I am…I’ll be there for you.” Standing in an art gallery surrounded by beauty, your hand engulfed in the warmth of Kim Namjoon you wondered what you did that was so right in a past life to give you moments like these. Surely, you did not deserve them. You chewed on the inside of your cheek realizing that you lost the fight for today. Your body was full of butterflies, heat, and everything else that wasn’t supposed to happen. Tears stung your eyes as you took a ragged breath in. Idols were not supposed to care about people this deeply. Namjoon really was your friend. Even if you didn’t want it. You looked at him over your shoulder and squeezed his hand looking right into his warm chocolate eyes. You nodded before pulling your hand back, “I know.” Namjoon grinned and then wrapped his arm around your shoulder, “You want a ride back to your dorm?” You agreed happy not to get back on the train, and for once you didn’t shy away from his touch. You were so appreciative that Namjoon didn’t push the issue further. Those dark times were to stay hidden forever. “And don’t think I didn’t hear that you told your sister about me.” Namjoon laughed pulling you in closer as you groaned and put your hands over your face. You mumbled you hated him into the palms of your hands and heard him laugh louder. Because at this point you both knew that was a lie. Usually, you hate when there are people in your space, but you've grown to like Hosung. He was funny, thoughtful, and most importantly he truly cared about Yoonsook. He also was the most unassuming looking rapper you've ever seen. He didn't have that idol aura than you expected rappers to have, and he was kind of dull to you but you weren’t kissing him every night, so it didn’t really matter. It's become their ritual for him to come and spend Saturday nights with her. Most of the time you'd stay in your room writing, or you'd be with Tae at Bangtan’s dorm. But tonight, you sat on the right side of Yoonsook engrossed in the movie they were watching. It was one of those cheesy dance movies. Full of common lines and amazing dance sequences. And even though you knew exactly who the main girl was going to choose (the nerdy dancer that had been there for her from the start), you were glued. It was nice not to think about how to move your body like that and see the finished product. “Can you dance like that, Sookie?” Hosung asked quietly putting his arm around her shoulder. Yoonsook leaned into him and interlaced her fingers with his. It was impossibly adorable. You leaned away from them trying to hide your smile hearing her start to answer him. One of your favorite places was to be under the arms of the person you were dating. The last time you were held like that felt so lovely. Then you grimaced remembering the last time you were held like that was a few days ago by your seonbae. You wrapped your arms around your body pulling your hoodie closer to your skin. Waking up in Min Yoongi's lap was unexpected, but it was nice. You're still unsure of how you got in that position even though you were no near touching him when you went to sleep. Maybe you shifted in your sleep then fell in his lap and he just let it happen. That was the only explanation that made sense to you because Yoongi would never pull you into his lap. You groaned and took a deep breath through the fabric of the hoodie getting a familiar whiff. You pulled the hoodie away from yourself to see the giant pink ANTI SOCIAL CLUB logo on the back. Fucking A! You groan and throw your head against the sofa with a thud. “What’s wrong, Y/N?” Yoonsook wondered petting Hosung’s hand. “Nothing. I’m feeling a little tired. Enjoy the movie.” You smiled pushing yourself up from the couch. Yoonsook sighed and turned back to the TV mumbling about you being in one of your moods. You turned around and stuck your tongue out at her before slipping into the darkness of your dorm room. Light flashed from your phone on your comforter illuminating the room like flashes of lightning. You raised an eyebrow plopping yourself on the bed and opening it up seeing text messages from Yoongi and Jiho. |Jiho: Where are youuuu? *question mark emoji* *question mark emoji**question mark emoji* |Jiho: It’s our first hang out! You can’t miss out! You raised an eyebrow pursed your lips together writing her back. |Y/N: Are you sure you’re texting the right person?|Jiho: Duh! Of course, I am! Leader. American. Shorty. That’s you right?|Y/N: Some of those words have been used to describe me yes…but what are you talking about?|Jiho: The group hang out tonight! Right now! Miyung said she’s invited you. Air rushed in your lungs you geared up to scream at the top of your lungs. That fucking bitch! You groaned typing quickly. |Y/N: I must’ve lost track of time. Where are you guys at? I’ll be there soon.|Jiho: 3401 You sent a smiley emoji even though your face was scrunched up in a way that would’ve scared a small child. You hopped up and threw on a pair of skinny jeans tossing your hair into a giant puff. Your blood was boiling. Oh, she'd be surprised when you walked into that party. That shocked look on her face. You were going to nip this shit in the bud tonight. “Hey, I’m gonna hang out with my group. Don’t wait up.” You grumbled walking out of your room. Yoonsook nodded and gave you a thumbs up then shouted for you not to do anything stupid that will result in her having to get a new roommate. You chuckled and promised her you wouldn’t. On your way downstairs to the party, you were just invited to, you looked back to your phone. Yoongi texted you a few times in a row. |Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: Bunny|Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: Can I ask you a question?|Y/N: Shoot. |Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: What is your favorite color, and do you have a favorite cake flavor? |Y/N: That’s not weird at all.|Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: Tae wants to surprise you for being named the leader of your fake group, and I'm supposed to get the information from you.|Y/N: Way to ruin the surprise.|Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: I am but a messenger.|Y/N: Purple but think more lilac and I prefer chocolate cake, but whatever is fine. I’ll make sure to act surprised.|Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: Thanks You shoved your phone into your back pocket walking down the hallway until you made it to room 3401. The faint sounds of laughter glided from the cracks in the door. You smirked and knocked on it a few times waiting for it to open. A sizeable fake grin appeared on your face as you saw the door start to open. You wanted it to be Miyung so she could see first that her little stunts were pointless. “Ah! Y/N-ssi! You finally made it!” Yeonjoo grinned opening the door wide. Your smile faded a bit as you walked into the dorm and then raised your eyebrow looking at the décor. It looked like a fluffy, pink, magical music video puked in there. There were fairy lights strung up everywhere, a white fully blanket over the couch, and empty fancy looking frames on the wall. Yeonjoo grabbed your hand pulling you to the couch grinning wider, “We thought you weren’t coming. Can I get you anything?” “W..water would be nice?” You were still a little overwhelmed from the dorm decorations. Yeonjoo gave a quick nod and hopped over to the kitchen. “Y/N! Americano!” Jiho beamed shooting finger guns at you. She plopped down next to you putting her arms over the back of the sofa, “You finally made it.” Where the heck did she just appear from? “Did I hear that Y/N was here? Be right out – I’m just finishing Miyung’s hair.” Heeae cried from one of the rooms. “Uh…I’d prefer my name over Americano, Jiho…” You cringed leaning a bit from her. Jiho laughed and nodded, “Fine – oh, guys we should come up with stage names tonight and a proper group name. I mean Group A is a classic, but we can come up with something better.” “I have a couple of suggestions,” Yeonjoo beamed handing you a water bottle and sitting down, letting her knees disappear into her gray sweater. You placed it next to you looking up as Heeae and Miyung walked out of her room. Miyung’s face turned into a disgusted scowl as you beamed at her brighter. You waved at her pointedly, feeling joy and pride that you could make her face look like a rotten pumpkin. "Sorry, that took so long. It’s been a minute since I’ve braided someone’s hair.” Heeae mumbled looking over her work chewing on her thumbnail. Miyung smiled playing with the four braids on the side of her hair giving it the shaved look, then looked back to you with cold eyes. "We didn't think you were gonna make it," Miyung announced before taking her place on the floor across from Yeonjoo. Heeae sat down next to her, "But we are glad you did…right, Miyung?” Heeae sighed, nudging the woman. Miyung looked up at you and rolled her eyes, “Yeah, so glad to see you.” Sarcasm filled her tone. You leaned back against the couch and looked at the rest of the girls. You couldn't help but feel awkward. You apparently came in the middle of something, another one of the groups extensive and exhausting truth or dare rounds probably. Miyung’s large round eyes stuck against your skin as you turned to talk to the rest of the girls. It irritated you. Every cell of your body wanted to call Miyung out and tell the rest of the girls that she didn’t invite you. That she was the reason that you were late, but you couldn't bring yourself too. Honestly, it was just sad that Miyung was a bitch. And seeing her uncomfortable with your presence didn't bright you the joy that you thought it would. “So, uh…what have you all been up too?” You blurted. “Nothing really. We ordered some food should be here soon and we were gonna put on a movie waiting for you but now that you are here….” Jiho grinned rubbing her hands together. “Truth or Dare can start again?” You groaned, pinching your nose, “I don’t understand the fascination.” “Well…it started as a fun way to get to know each other then it was just something sill we kept doing.” Yeonjoo giggled pushing up her glasses as a light blush appeared on her. “And we don’t know you that well…so we thought it’d be fun, but if you don’t want to do it…we can always watch a movie or something.” Heeae smiled, then nudged Miyung again harder. “Yup. Don’t want to make the foreign girl uncomfortable.” “Aish! We had this talk, Yungie! C’mon let up. For one night.” Jiho snapped her eyes narrowing at your big-eyed bully. Miyung sighed and rolled her eyes.That was it! You had had enough of this. You took a few breaths to gather your thoughts and leaned forward staring Miyung down, "No. Don't let up. I don't really care either way how you treat me. I'm the leader of the group, and if you don't like it, you should prove it to me, to all of us, that you should be the leader. Thus far you've just shown me that you are a terrible human." You spat ignoring the bewildered looks of your team. Miyung’s lips curled up over her teeth, "Watch your mouth! I'm your elder first off, and secondly, you come in here and waltz around like you are better than everyone! You don't even talk to any of the other trainees except for your roommate. You shouldn't be a leader, but more importantly, you shouldn't be here! You aren't Korean no matter how many MV's you watched. No matter how much you love our culture. No matter if you learned our language you can never and WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US!” Miyung screamed hopping up her short finger in your face. You sneered and stood to meet her, “Get your fucking finger out of my face.” You barked, “I’m not Korean. I never said I was. I don’t think I’m better than anybody. I keep to myself. I do what I have to do. This is important to me. More important than you will ever know. So, if you got a fucking problem with me being here be better than me. Don't treat me like shit. Force me out with your talent, not by your behavior. Until then be cordial and respectful. Also, because I'm NOT Korean, I don't give a FUCK about you being older than me. Especially when you are acting like an eight-year-old child that had their dolly taken away." “HEY!” Heeae screamed coming between you and her. She put her hands on both chests pushing Miyung away from you and you back on the couch. Miyung was seething, her teeth pressed together nose fairing from her heavy breathing. She shook her head and pushed Heeae’s hand off of her, “I am better than you! That’s what I’m trying to tell you!” She screamed her nails digging into her palms, her round face flushed and blotchy, “I deserve to be the leader because I’m the best for the job. Because I worked hard for this. Because I was born to do this. You picked this up this idea from some fever dream back in America. If you fail at this, you go back to your cushy house with all of your money. If I fail, I am disgraced. This is not a joke to me. This isn't a fun story for me to tell. This is everything!” “Miyung!” Yeonjoo whispered, “You have no ri –” You put your hand out to cut Yeonjoo off. You didn’t need anyone to fight your battles. Miyung’s angry, bitchy facade was falling right before your eyes. Underneath all of that mad shit was a girl, who wanted to succeed just as much as you did. She was a scared annoying girl who was trying to cling onto a dream. Tears ran down her face as she cleaned them away quickly trying to calm her breathing. “I don’t have a lot of money…” You sighed falling back to the couch, “But if I fail at this I go back to America, you are right, but I too am disgraced. Maybe not by my family but I’ll disgrace myself if I fail. All I’ve ever wanted was this from the first time I heard KPop. And even if you try to push me out…try to cast me out, do everything in your power I can’t leave. I was born to do this too.” Tingling flooded your eyes as tears appeared in your vision. Nah, you weren’t gonna let a single tear fall down your face. You took deep breaths sucking your lips in as you cross your arms over your chest. You stared at her defiantly. Miyung had gotten the best of you, and that stung, but she wasn't going to see you cry. “Okay, I think we can come to an understanding…” Jiho grumbled next to you, rubbing your back. “How?” Miyung snapped, the fire still raging inside of her. You crossed your legs and glare at her wishing that you knew the laws about murder in this country. “Well – you both just explained how you feel. Miyung doesn’t think Y/N deserves to be here, let alone be the leader because she’s from America. And Y/N-ssi doesn't really care either way and will keep persevering. But what you both are missing is that we are a team, and we need both of you to succeed if we want to debut one day. So, both of you need to figure this shit out for the betterment of everyone. It not if Miyung wins or if Y/N wins. It’s how we all win.” Jiho explained more eloquently than you thought she could. Heeae and Yeonjoo started clapping together nodding up and down. You and Miyung stared each other down like lions getting ready to pounce. Her shoulders loosened a bit as she leaned back from you taking a deep breath. She could see that Jiho was right, surprising everyone in the room you were sure. “The only way to win is together…” Jiho whispered mysteriously moving her hands in a semi-circle wagging her fingers. You turned your attention back to Miyung whose eyes were closed, and arms crossed over her chest. She shifted back and forth before groaning loudly, “Fine. Win together. I still mean what I said – but you’re right Jiho. Work together.” Miyung shoved her hand out into the open space. Work together, win together. The goal was to get through, “Leader…” The sincerity in her voice is what won you over at the moment. You grabbed Miyung’s hand and shook it, “Win together.” “That was beautiful!” Jiho gushed, pretending to wipe tears from her face, “Now hug!” “Uh…that seems like pushing it.” Heeae laughed walking to the door. You didn’t even hear it knock, but you were still focused on the side eye Miyung was giving you. The rockiest part was over…but it didn’t mean it was going to be smooth sailing from here on. You had to make sure that your P’s and Q’s were on point. Heeae came back with a few bags of food holding them above her head saying it was time to eat. Jiho and Miyung walked over to the table sitting down with Heeae following them. Yeonjoo grabbed your hand and pulled you over. You weren’t ready to break bread with Miyung just yet, but it looked like the universe wasn't really giving you a choice. After dinner you and your team migrated to the living room, talking small talk. Heeae, Yeonjoo, and Jiho babbled and laughed between each other. It was you and Miyung who weren’t really in the mood to be jovial. While dinner had gone fine, it’s a bit strange to go from hating someone to forcing yourself to tolerate them so quickly. Miyung must’ve felt the same way. The two of you kept making awkward glances at each other then looking rapidly away like two high school crushes. "Okay, this is super awkward still," Jiho announced from the couch where she, Miyung, and Heeae sat. “Truth or dare?” Yeonjoo asked brightly. “Truth or dare!” Jiho and Heeae yelled putting their hands in the air. You pushed down your annoyance from the game and threw your hands in the air, “TRUTH OR DARE!” You screamed. Everyone looked at you with shock then everyone started laughing, including Miyung. Jiho looked everyone in their eyes with a playful look, “Who wants to go first?” You pulled your knees up and wrapped your arms around them refusing to go first. Yeonjoo looked around and pushed her glasses up then put her hand in the air. "Truth or dare," Miyung asked, smirking as she tucked her long hair behind her ear showing off how plump her face was. Yeonjoo smiled shyly and pushed up her glasses. “Truth.” Her voice quiet and melodic. “Out of all the members of BTS, who is your bias?” Miyung grinned evilly before looking over at you, “Unless you have a problem with that…leader.” “Please don’t call me that.” You groan, understanding that she was trying to lighten the mood, but you wanted to be called by your name, “And why would I have a problem with that? We should all go around and tell our bias. I’ll start. Taehyung.” Honestly, you didn’t have a bias. After spending more time with the seonbaes than you really actually wanted part of you saw reasons for all of them to be your favorite. Jin with his wise words and good cooking. Hoseok with his cheerful disposition and hardworking attitude. Jimin with his beautiful dancing and sweet personality. Tae with everything about him, you truly were blessed to have Tae as a friend. Jungkook with caring but little shit attitude. Then there was Namjoon and Yoongi. Namjoon was smart, fun to be around, kind. Yoongi was brilliant, reliable, helpful, supportive. Part of you wanted to say Yoongi as your bias. He was the one you were closest too and weirdly he was the one you enjoyed spending the most time with. But you said Taehyung because it felt like the right answer at that time. “Ah! He’s my bias too!” Heeae giggled playing with her pigtails. Jiho squished her long face in making them both erupt in giggles. “Jin…” Yeonjoo whispered as if he would appear at any moment. "JIN!" Jiho howled, holding her stomach falling backward in hands in the air, "He's literally 11 years older than you! You have a daddy kink for real." “Jiho!” Miyung said sharply. Jiho looked over at Miyung grinning before sticking out her tongue. The tall rapper looked at the room and smiled widely before speaking. "Well, I'll go next. My bias is Yoongi, and my bias wrecker is Jungkook." Your eyes narrow on Jiho. You weren’t expecting her to say Yoongi. At all. There’s a stab in the center of your stomach that you weren’t expecting. Yoongi’s name doesn’t sound right coming out of her lips. The whole sentence made you irritated. Yoongi should be no one’s bias. He’s grumpy, irritable…he should not be their bias material, and he was your seonbae. These women didn’t even know him like you knew him. You press your mouth to your knees and were glad that you didn’t say he was your bias. "Yoongi is so cute. He'd be mine if he weren't so fucking tiny.” Heeae giggled, leaning back, “When he raps and licks the side of his lips I get so excited.” You wished they’d stop talking about your seonbae like that. It was weird and gross and wrong…and ugh. You put your fingers in your hair playing with the new growth of your curls wishing that this would end. “He’s cool, but my bias would have to be Namjoon. There's something about a well-spoken leader and those dimples." Miyung stated. The stab went deeper as you force your groan to stay in your mouth. Miyung didn’t know what she was talking about per usual. Namjoon was…great, really, but…something about how she spoke about him didn't sit right with you. You didn't like it, and you didn't want to hear more. Standing up you mumbled that you were thirsty desperately wanting to get away from this situation. You wished they stop talking about your seonbaes like this. It was frustrating. "You don't look too good, Y/N," Yeonjoo muttered from her seated position. You looked over your shoulder and gave her a small smile. “Just thirsty, do you guys want anything?” “Just Min Yoongi to notice me.” Jiho sighed leaning back her hands over her heart, “And use that… “If you fucking say tongue technology on you I will drop kick you.” You barked, your anger flaring. The room went silent, and you turned from them inwardly kicking yourself. Where did that even come from? Now you looked like some type of liar. The team’s eyes pressed against your skin with surprise. You glanced over your shoulder to shrug at them. “Oh my god.” Miyung breathed, getting up walking to you, “Do you have a crush on Yoongi-seonbae?” On the outside, your face was calm and neutral. But behind the placid exterior, you were freaking out. Of course, you didn't have a crush on Min Yoongi. Where did that come from? The thought alone made your stomach flip. He was your friend and your seonbae. Yoongi should be respected as such and plus he didn't care for all this part of idol life. He just wanted to make music that made people happy. Didn't they get that? He had never told you anything like that before, but you could understand it from the time you spent with him. Now you felt like you needed an out. “Holy hell.” You laughed, “You are out of your mind.” You look at them with a smile before reaching in the fridge for a bottle of water, “I just don’t want any groupmates of mine to be so typical you know. Everyone talks about Yoongi-seonbae’s tongue technology. His fingers are really the masterminds. All those years of piano training…plus he's always wearing those thick rings, could you – ” “Ugh. We get it. Fine.” Miyung waved you off shuttering going the group, “That’s actually grosser than tongue technology.” “Well, my sister loves to write smut and send it to me. So, that’s where that idea came from.” “Ewww, your sister writes smut?” "Talk about my sister, and I can't promise you'll live." You muttered breathing ice. This team building get together was not going according to plan even after the common ground session. You’ve threatened to kill them, Miyung is suggesting things that would NEVER happen. "Okay okay, …we are getting off topic." Yeonjoo swallowed, “Is it my turn to ask? Y/N-ssi, truth or dare?” “Truth.” You mumble walking back to sit in the circle. “Is it true that you and V-seonbae are good friends?” She asked nudging you quickly as you sat back down. You raised an eyebrow then looked at the eyes around the room. They were all looking at you expectantly. "And don't lie. Everyone still talks about how V stood up for you at the exhibition." Miyung commented rolling her eyes. The exhibition. Shit. You took a glug of water trying to figure out what to say. Yes, Tae was your good friend, but you didn’t want them to think that. Miyung already felt that you got special treatment because you were the American in the group. Imagine her attitude towards you when she found out that you and Tae hung out regularly. And texted each other frequently. She agreed to be less horrible, but if she knew that who knows what kind of havoc she’d create. You smiled and swallowed finding your words, “V-seonbae and I are friends. I don’t know how good of friends we are, but he’s very kind and roots me on.” “I’m jealous! None of BTS even looks in my general direction!” Jiho groaned sliding off the couch dramatically. "I'd rather stay out of their lives, to be honest." You sighed, pulling your knees up and leaning your head against them. “Why is that?” Heeae asked, You tapped your lip with your middle finger, “I don’t want to become distracted. This is important to me. I don’t want to fail.” The girls hummed in agreement, and for a moment it looked like Miyung smiled, but it faded quickly. Truth or Dare continued for a few rounds, and slowly the questions became more about who everybody was as a person. You learned a lot of about each of your teammates. Jiho was a total America freak, which would make sense as to why she was so insistent on the nickname Americano. Yeonjoo and Heeae were sixteen years old and did everything together. They met when they were twelve at some special academy and were inseparable. Miyung talked more about her family life. She expressed how proud her family was of her older sister who was the leader of an idol group with a different company. How disappointed they were when she didn’t get in that company. Miyung’s voice cracked when she talked about them. It made your heart tighten. They learned about your family. Truth or Dare was doing what it was supposed to it was bringing the group together. “I’m tired of truths,” Jiho sighed, "Unnie, pick dare.” You pointed at yourself and smirked, “Am I unnie?” “Of course. Now pick dare.” She challenged. “Dare.” You yawned. You didn’t know what time it was, but you were tired. Jiho looked at Heeae who leaned over and whispered something in the tall rapper’s ear. Yeonjoo looked like she was seconds away from falling asleep. “I dare you to send a sexy selfie to the last person you texted.” Jiho giggled. Miyung looked impressed with the dare and turned to you to see what you’d do next. Thus far you hadn’t turned down any dare or truths. You’d did the twenty-four-hour BTS lyrics challenge. You freestyled on a dime. You tried the satoori accent. But this is the one you would not be doing and would instead take the ultimate punishment. “No.” “What?! You have too!” Heeae whined, “We did have a rule, Unnie.” Yeonjoo sleepily pointed out. You grimaced and took a deep breath, grinding your teeth together. They didn’t know that the last person you texted with Yoongi. Like HELL would you send him a sexy selfie. And what did a sexy selfie consist of? Were you going to pout your lips and stick your chest out? Yoongi would destroy his phone after getting a picture like that from you. “I’d rather steal clothes from Bangtan’s dorm.” You groaned rubbing your temples. Miyung’s eyes got big and bright, “Okay – then pick your poison. Steal clothes from Bangtan’s dorm or send a sexy selfie.” “Additional layer! Leader swap. If you choose Bangtan clothing swap, you have to swap one of your pieces of clothes with Namjoons.” Jiho added “Are you trying to get me kicked out?” You snapped looking at Jiho with angry eyes. What was with these girls. “I don’t think this a smart idea.” Heeae sighed, putting her fingers through her thick black hair. Yeonjoo nodded in agreement with her. Miyung sighed and looked at the group then looked straight at you with that irritating smirk of hers. “So, what will it be, leader? You have two options. Sexy selfie or clothing swap?” “What happened to the unbearable punishment for not following through a dare?” You cried waving your arms around heart racing. “It’s not like we had an unbearable punishment planned! Nobody has refused yet!” Heeae shrugged smiling brightly. You swallowed and scratched your head, “Fine. I need the weekend to get the shirt from Namjoon-seonbae. I’ll wear it to practice on Monday.” Technically you already had an article of Bangtan’s clothing, but they didn’t know that. You pulled out your phone and texted Yoongi that you were coming over. A first in your friendship with him.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The time. 11:32 pm. The location. Seoul. The reason. Fuck if you knew at this point. The real reason was you to steal a piece of Kim Namjoon’s clothing for a stupid truth or dare. You ran to your dorm quickly grabbing your favorite Sailor Moon tee before making your way to Bangtan’s dorm. You were risking everything to make sure that you didn’t have to text Min Yoongi a sexy selfie. This all weighed out, right? No sexy selfie to your seonbae but stealing clothes from another one. You sighed and knocked on the back door of Bangtan’s dorm twice shoving your hands into your pockets. You’ve never announced that you were merely coming over. You always waited to be invited because you tried to respect Bangtan and their space. Who knew if someone was going to answer the door. Plus, Yoongi never texted you back, so it was a genuine surprise you were here. The changes in the weather made you grateful to be in Yoongi's hoodie. You tucked yourself into the hoodie only your eyes visible as you knocked on the door again. You should've waited – you had the whole weekend to accomplish this task. But you didn't want another weird truth or dare, and from what you could tell about these girls anything was possible. Sexy selfies! What happened to that good Korean respectability. Maybe girls were the same across the world."Who is it?" A deep voice came through the door, a tone you'd never heard before. You swallowed and wrinkled your nose.“Uh…Y/N…”There was a moment of silence before the voice returned, “Y/N…Y/N? The one who does not call Jeon Jungkook oppa?”“Yeah. That’s the one.”“Hmmm…Why don’t you call Jeon Jungkook oppa?”“Are we really going to play this riddle game, Jungkook-seonbae?” You sighed rolling your eyes. His laughter sang through the night as he opened the door standing in a black hoodie and some flannel pajama pants. He smiled widely but didn’t step back to let you in.“How’d you know it was me?” Jungkook asked his voice returning to its usual tone.“Who else is going to ask why I don’t call them a specific name.” Jungkook looked at you with a smirk, his arms crossed over his chest while standing in the threshold. You never really knew how tall Jungkook was. He had Yoongi beat by a few inches and towered over you. You looked over his shoulder and started to try to pass him when he put his hand out to stop you. “There is a toll to come into the Bangtan dorm after 10pm, miss. Various ways to pay.”“Let me through Jungkook-seonbae. I’m here to see Suga-seonbae.” You lied. Jungkook raised his eyebrows in surprise and grinned wider,“You’re here to see my hyung after ten pm. If I didn’t know him any better this might be something…more than a friendly visit.”“But you do know him better so…” You shrugged not even giving him the mind to go down that route. Letting out a loud exhale, you put your hand on your hip waiting for him to let you through or tell you to go home. Something more than standing there.“If you are here to see Yoongi-hyung…why didn’t he greet you at the door?”“I don’t know!” You cried throwing your hands up, “Maybe he didn’t see his text message.”“Or maybe he’s not here?”“Okay. Let me check then I’ll get out of your hair.” You persuaded. Jungkook tilted his head side to side like an evil bobblehead before putting his fingers through his hair.“You still haven’t paid the toll.”"Jesus Christ!" You mumbled in English, "Do you know how irritating you are right now. I'm only speaking in English because I don't want to hurt your feelings or disrespect you but why won't you let me in!" “That’s not fair!” He pouted his face twisting up in a way that you couldn’t help but describe as cute. His lips ``pressed together as his brows furrowed."My apologies. What is the toll?" Jungkook’s eyes sparkled as another bunny-like smile appeared on his face. He stood on his side of the threshold and leaned forward little by little seeming more menacing than before.“Oh, nothing too much. Just call me Kookie-oppa.” You looked at Jungkook with such a bored, annoyed face that you watched his smile fall slightly. This had been your long battle with him for months. He desperately wanted you to call him oppa. Even though you reminded him tons of times, he didn't want his fans to call him oppa. Jungkook would counter he doesn't know how old they are, and it wasn't right. He knew how old you were. “Why?!” You whined. Didn't he understand that this was a hill that you were prepared to die on? You didn't want to call him Kookie-oppa. Oppa was reserved for Jin and Jin alone. Jungkook shrugged and leaned against the door pulling his phone out of his pocket looking at it, “Fine. Have a good night then, Y/N-ah.”“Aish! C’mon Jungkook-seonbae. Have a heart. I need to see Suga-seonbae.” “What do you need to see him about? Don’t you see him all the time?” He asked without looking up moving his thumb up his screen slowly. You threw your hands in the air and laughed. Who knew that you were going to have a boss battle to get inside of their dorm. Why didn’t Yoongi text you back? You pursed your lips together weighing your options. You could return back to your dorm with your metaphorical tail in-between your legs, or you could succumb to Jungkook's wishes. It wasn't like you didn't care about Jungkook. But you had principles. You pulled your phone from the front pocket of your hoodie about to text Tae, "It's cheating if you ask Tae to come to get you. Especially since he's not here." Jungkook yawned still scrolling.“Wait. Where is he? It’s late.” Jungkook shrugged then looked up at you for a second before going back to his phone. Didn't his mother ever tell him about wasting good heat or air keeping the door open like this? You crossed your arms over your chest trying to think about one last Hail Mary. It was risky – but it might be worth it. “I’ll tell you one of my darkest secrets if you let me in.”Jungkook looked up from his phone with both eyebrows up, "Perhaps. Let me hear first, and then I'll let you know if it passes."“Theresagiantposterofsuga-seonbaeinmyroombackhomeinla.” You said it one breath and hoped that he wasn’t going to make you repeat it. Jungkook’s bunny smile spread across his face as he shoved his phone into a pocket,“What did you say?”A heavy sigh escaped your lips, “Okay, so…Marina has pictures and scrolls of you guys all over her room. She was given a poster of Suga-seonbae, her preferred member of your group, but she had nowhere to put it…and instead of just moving things around I wake up one morning to this picture right across from me, like staring me down. For the last two years, until I came here, I woke up to this picture of him." At this point, Jungkook started to laugh uncontrollably. He put his hand up to stop you, but you kept going, “And every time I took it down and put it in her room or in Kevin’s room it always made it back to my room. So there. That’s my darkest secret.” You nodded crossing your arms over your chest, “And if Suga-seonbae finds out about it, I will cut you up into little itty-bitty pieces and sell them on eBay.” The youngest member of Bangtan was laughing so hard tears were streaming down his face. His laughter sounded so loud in the darkness, but you were glad to make him laugh so hard even if your embarrassing little secret was out. He took a step back beckoning you in as he started to quiet. He cleaned his face with the collar of his hoodie snorting, “That is so worth it. That is hilarious.” Jungkook snorted. You rolled your eyes and stepped in watching him close the door. The two of you looked at each other as he waited for you to walk to Yoongi’s room. "Oh – uh…you don't need to escort me. Do you know – " Bangtan's dorm was unusually quiet. Usually, muffled noises are coming from most of the rooms, but it was dark and silent. You swallowed and turned back to look at Jungkook who was staring at his phone walking into the hallway without paying much attention. Someone cleared their throat from the left of you.“Oh yeah, Yoongi-hyung is right there…” Jungkook muttered before disappearing completely. You whipped your head over to where the noise came from, eyes large air caught in your chest. Min Yoongi sat in a large tan chair tucked into the corner with a reading lap hanging over him. The light illuminated the flecks of silver in his gray sweater and made the skin showing from the rips in his light jeans glow. He pushed up the black square glasses with his middle finger, closing the book he was reading. A sigh left his slender body as his eyes full of galaxies met yours. All you could do was swallow down the screams as the fear the flooded your body. How much of that story had Yoongi heard? Fucking Jeon Jungkook! You were caught, and you were in his hoodie! This was horrible. Not only are you the girl who annoys him constantly, but you are also the girl who wakes up to his face. Great. Fucking amazing. You grimaced looking at him trying to figure out what he was going to say or do about it. Because he totally heard. Yoongi leaned forward slowly putting his elbows on his knees and used his fists to prop his head up. It felt like he was taking you all in, it felt dangerous to an extent. His gaze never made you feel strange before but now…you felt naked. You forced yourself to breathe trying not to look away from his gaze. How long have you both been standing there looking at each other? How you must look to him…this girl with her wild curls atop her head and body hiding underneath his hoodie. Then he smiled closing both of his eyes scrunching up his nose playfully.“Hi…” You breathed unsure of the next move.“Hey.” He smirked, “Kinda late, don’t you think?”"I…t..texted…" You faltered still embarrassed from your admission to get into the dorm. Then you bit your bottom lip hard because never in your life had you ever stuttered. His eyes opened wide quickly.“My phone is in my room. Are you okay?” He asked standing quickly and walked to you. His voice was tight and full of worry. He glanced at your hoodie for a half a second longer then back up to your face.“Y..yeah…yeah!” You felt the spell breaking shaking your nerves out, “I just need to get something.” He would’ve mentioned the poster if he heard it by now. Yoongi let out an exhale his body relaxing,"Something from the dorm?" He asked, moving his arms over his chest. You smiled in return enjoying the curious look on his face.“Not exactly. You see…I need to swap this shirt for one of Joonie’s shirts.” You said holding up your offering. It was quick, but when you said ‘Joonie’ Yoongi’s face faltered. He sighed then raised an eyebrow then pulled at the sleeve of his hoodie twice as if he had to clear his mind from bad thoughts.“My hoodie isn’t enough, BunBun?” He drawled, the rasp in his voice forcing you to look away. You didn’t expect him to realize right off the bat that it was his hoodie, but it can’t be helped. You looked up at him delicately not missing that he called you BunBun. You were bad.“I didn’t realize you knew it was missing.” You sighed clutching to the front of the hoodie. You didn’t want to give it back. It was warm. It was perfect. His hoodie was now your hoodie. And you’d fight to the death to keep it.“It wasn’t missing. It was with you.” Yoongi smiled. You wondered when this phenomenon of not being able to breathe around him would end. And if it would stop being random. You pursed your lips and put your hands on your hips laughing slightly,“Then why am I being referred to with my naughty nickname?”“Because you are bad. You show up unannounced.”“Me?!” You gasped, “I texted you. You’re the one who didn’t respond!”“Do you often show up without a confirmation?” He asked with his eyebrows raised and a hand on his lip. You rolled your eyes and dipped your hands into your curls pulling them out to make your puff bigger. "To my friend's houses, I do!" Yoongi wrinkled his nose before his smile became large and gummy. You rolled your eyes and crossed your eyes over your chest, unable to stop yourself from smiling. CLICK. You both turned quickly to where the sound came from, taking a step back as if you were doing something wrong. Jungkook beamed while lowering his camera,“Perfect!” “Jungkook!” You and Yoongi both cried as Jungkook giggled running back into the darkness. Why the hell did Jungkook take a picture? Yoongi’s face was just as puzzled as yours. You scratched your cheek before walking around Yoongi, “I’m on a mission. You are distracting me.”"You still haven't said why you needed Namjoon's shirt," Yoongi replied following you into the hallway where the rooms were.“I just need it.” You retorted dropping your voice to a whisper. You didn’t want to wake anyone.“You keep mentioning that without explaining why.”“It’s for the game…truth or dare with my group.” You paused looking both ways trying to remember if the door in front of you was Namjoon’s or if it was Tae’s. Once or twice you slipped into Namjoon’s room ready to surprise Tae when you were met with a clean, aside from an unmade bed, room that belonged to the leader, “Is this Joonie’s room?”“No, it’s not Joonie’s room.” He grumbled.You paused to look at him over your shoulder confused as to why he took that tone when saying Namjoon’s nickname. You blinked and Yoongi leaned against the opposite wall his arms crossed over his chest looking away from you with a slight pout on his lips. You blinked. What is his problem?“Uh…” You started walking to the next room over and putting your ear on the door, “You okay over there Suga-seonbae?” Yoongi grunted. Silence came from the other side of the door – a good bet that Namjoon wasn’t there or was sleeping. You wanted to ask Yoongi where Namjoon was, but you could tell by his grunt and silence that he wasn’t up for answering you. Was he mad that you showed up unannounced? But you texted…you should've waited. You need to respect him…he's not like one of your friends back at home, and you've forgotten that. You’d apologize as soon as you got what you came for. As you chewed on the inside of your lip, you pushed on the door slowly peering in the darkness. Your hand pressed against the wall trying to find the switch. Once you turned it in on there was no going back if you woke up Namjoon. You flicked the switch shutting your eyes tightly and freezing. No yelling. You opened one eye to see Namjoon’s room empty. Per usual, Namjoon's bed was unmade, but the rest of the place was pristine. You exhaled then Yoongi pushed the door open walking past you swiftly. He stood in the middle of the room with his arms crossed eyes narrowed on you. “What?” You groaned, “Why are you standing there like that?” You snickered walking in and closing the door behind you. Yoongi rolled his eyes and looked away again, his lips pressed together in a thin line. “Why is it Namjoon’s shirt that you need? Wouldn’t my hoodie work?”"Leader for leader they said. And plus, they've seen me in this and what am I going to tell them? ‘Oh – don't worry guys, I already won this round…this hoodie is Suga's?'" Yoongi looked at you blankly as if you were supposed to tell your group that. You pursed your lips and walked to the dresser, stepping around the man in the middle of the room, “If you aren’t going to help then leave. I’m not going to be going through anything else…I just want Namjoonie’s shirt…”“Namjoonie…” He grumbled, “When did you two become so comfortable to go from honorifics to Namjoonie?”“Hmmm,” You started going through the shirts in the drawer. You heard the irritation in Yoongi’s voice, but you didn’t understand why he was annoyed. And what did it matter to him what you called anyone else? You focused on finding a shirt. There was a yellow shirt with black around the hems. Then there were so many white shirts that you didn’t understand why Namjoon needed all of those. You picked up a pink shirt and held it up, “Probably when he started calling me Kitten. What do you think about this shirt?”“I’ve been calling you Bunny this whole time, and you refuse to drop my honorifics, but Namjoon calls you a name you openly dislike and its Namjoonie this and Joonie that.” You blinked. Then you tilted your head letting the shirt fall back into the drawer. Yoongi’s irritation was over honorifics. He was mad that you called Namjoon…a nickname? Was he serious?! You stared at him unable to even comprehend where this was coming from. You took a step forward,“That’s what’s frustrating you? That I don’t call you by a nickname?!” Yoongi stood still glaring at you as if you could read his mind. Most of the time you could. But now, you were drawing a blank. You pursed your lips and sighed crossing your arms over your chest mirroring him. The two of you scowled at each other in Namjoon’s room in the middle of the night. You stood here waiting for him to say what the hell he meant. Something was in the air. Something was different, thick. He grumbled and put his fingers through his dark tresses.“Whatever.” He hissed and squatted playing with his fingernails instead of looking at you,“Whatever?” You repeated, “Okay fine. Whatever then. We can whatever all night then.” You said walking over to him. Yoongi fell back on his butt clicking his tongue at you as you sat down next to him. If he wasn’t going to tell you what the real problem was, then you were going to sit here until he did. He groaned louder before closing his eyes and leaning his head against Namjoon’s bed. Yoongi always said what he thought. You always appreciated that blunt part of his attitude. Right now, you wished he would be blunt instead of whatever Yoongi you were getting now. You hadn’t gotten moody Yoongi in such a long time that you started to think he didn’t exist. Even though you sat near him, he felt miles away. Your seonbae. Your friend. You did the only thing you felt like you could – you reached out. You scooted over and placed your head on his shoulder closing your eyes. This time there wasn’t any tensing up like your hug. His breathing was steady, and you matched him – the only sound in the room was your mixed breathing. It was peaceful.“Don’t fall asleep on me again, trainee.” His deep voice vibrated against your ear tickling you slightly.“Oh, it’s trainee now?” You giggled as you kicked his foot with yours, “And I didn’t fall asleep on you last time – I woke up on you.”“Is that how you remember it?” Yoongi asked sighing.“That’s because that’s how it happened.” You grumbled taking a deep breath, taking in his smell. A musky mixture of mandarin and cardamom. You shifted so you could look up at him. His eyes were still closed, but his lips were in a small smile. You took the time to look at him, study his jawline, appreciate how clear and soft his skin was, the scar on his ear. Yoongi opened one eye and looked down at you, all you could do was smile.“Get off me.”You rolled your eyes and wrapped your arms around his waist to be annoying, “No. I’m comfortable here.” He sighed heavily and grumbled, "You know…I really cherish our friendship, right? And I respect the hell out of you and what you've done for me. If it weren't for you would've been back home months ago. So…don’t think that a nickname equates closeness – ” “I don’t.”“Hush,” You groaned letting him go and sitting up, “I’m being mushy. I want to make sure that I respect you first and foremost in everything we do together. To me, you’re Yoongi. You’ve always been just Yoongi. Not Suga-seonbae, Suga in general, Agust D, Lil Meow Meow or whatever multiple names you are given. You are Yoongi.” You stopped yourself from almost saying you’re my Yoongi, “I don't care what you call me either…trainee, Bunny, annoying American girl, because names don't matter to me. You're my friend, and that's all that matters." Yoongi’s starry eyes bore into yours as you smiled brightly trying to quiet drum that was your heart. He rolled his eyes and gave a short laugh before putting his hand on your face pushing you away. You fell backward giggles escaping your lips. You moved so you could see him while leaning on your elbows.“Are you done being mushy, annoying American girl.”“Are you done being irritable, Yoyo?”He wrinkled his nose and shook his head, standing up, “Nope. Not that one.”"Sweet, sweet genius Min Yoongi, Suga, Agust D. You have so many names it's hard for me to choose. You pick a name, and I will gladly call you it until the end of time."“The end of time?”“Forever.” That word felt more like a promise to other things than only calling him a nickname. Forever was a mighty long time. But you had the strangest feeling that Min Yoongi was going to be in your life forever, one way or another. Even if he didn’t want it, or even if you tried to run away he’d be there. Forever. You bounced your eyebrows up and down putting your hand up for him to help you. His soft hand engulfed yours pulling you up. You pointed at the closet and headed back to the dresser, “What about…Minnie?” You suggested pulling out a white button down with polka dots on it. You held the option out in front of you turning to Yoongi. He shook his head, “No.” He sighed holding up a sweatshirt with blue and pink sleeves with the words ‘BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH’ on it. You shrugged turning back to the shirts thumbing few a few crew necks.“Agust D?” “You’re stupid.” He laughed holding up a red striped shirt. You frowned shaking your head grabbing a red and black flannel. “SUGA?”“We started with that.” Yoongi looked closely at the flannel and shrugged. You nodded your head and threw it over your shoulder.“We started with Yoyo technically.” You answered, closing the drawer and walking over to the closet.“You are an ass.” You rolled your eyes and pushed him over slightly, letting your hands slide over fabrics that were worth more than your whole closet. A yellow hoodie with ‘Security’ on it…you did really like the ‘BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH’ hoodie, but what stuck out the most was a loud Hawaiian shirt. That was the shirt! You grabbed it and held it up to you, knowing regardless that you were going to drown in it.“What do you think, Lil Meow Meow?”"It's fine, but…for someone who claims not to be ARMY, you sure do know a lot and have a poster of me in your room." You froze standing there unable to look at him. He fucking heard about the stupid fucking poster. Dammit. Fucking hell! You turtled into your hoodie covering your eyes with your hand. Now would be the time that you could die. Death would be sweeter. His laugh washed over you as you sank to your knees putting your head on the ground."Hello…anybody out there…if you could kill me now, that would be delightful."“But I’d miss you too much if you died, Kitten.” Chills ran up your spine. Kitten…Nope. You shook your head and threw up your hood, holding the spoils of your theft to your chest. Fucking nope. Namjoon’s not there. Kim Namjoon is not there. He can’t be there. It’s impossible. Just look over your shoulder and see nothing. Your brain is playing tricks on you. It has to be. It’d be too cliché. You looked up at Yoongi who was silently laughing behind his hand because you were the true intruder here."Well, I'm pretty sure if I wasn't dead then, I'm dead now…" You mumbled standing up and looking over your shoulder. Namjoon stood there in a white hoodie under his overalls a big shit-eating grin on his face. You hid the shirt behind your back and looked at Yoongi for some help. Yoongi shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest.“What do I owe the pleasure of you being my room, Kitten and Yoongi-hyung.” Yoongi looked over to you waiting for you to explain everything. He was coughing his laughter down. Ass. You sighed and grit your teeth, “I uh…needed something from your closet.” “Namjoon-ah,” Yoongi started. God Bless Min Yoongi for explaining everything to his leader, “I have no part in whatever she’s doing.” Your jaw dropped as you hissed at him, hip checking him. Fucking ass. “You’re not going to tell me what you’re doing then?” Namjoon asked you as sat down on his bed delicately, crossing his legs. You rolled your eyes and huffed hard thrusting forth his Hawaiian shirt.“That game of truth or dare I was playing…I was dared to get one of your shirts. I roped Yoon into helping me.” “Aish…” Namjoon started rubbing his forehead, "Instead of sneaking around in the dead of night you could've texted me, and I would've gladly given you one of my shirts.”You blinked then shrugged, “Yeah, probably but where’s the fun in that?”“Do you often steal things from your friends?” Namjoon yawned rubbing his eyes. “It’s not stealing if I was planning on leaving something precious to me behind.” You smirked diving into your front pocket and throwing him the Sailor Moon shirt. Namjoon held it up and looked at you with a raised eyebrow,“This would be a crop top on me.”"Dare you to wear it during your next V Live." You teased. Namjoon raised both of his eyebrows and leaned back slightly, “And if I do?” He challenged. You crossed your arms over your chest defiantly biting your bottom lip as a smile spread on your face.“Then I’d have to complete a dare on my end, of course. Equality and what not right?”"I'm going to bed," Yoongi announced as he left. You were so focused on Namjoon that you'd forgotten Yoongi was in the room. You opened your mouth to say something when he slammed the door behind him. A sick feeling pooled in your stomach. Namjoon looked at the door and took a deep breath. He mumbled for you to wait for a moment and exited after Yoongi. You stood there and tried to push the sick feeling out of your system. Namjoon was going to handle the situation. He was Yoongi’s leader, everything was going to be fine. You sighed happily. After a few moments Namjoon came back into room chewing on his own bottom lip in thought.“Is he okay?” You asked. Namjoon rubbed his chin looking at you, but past you. You frowned and took a step closer waving your hand in front of your face.Namjoon blinked then chuckled his eyes finally connecting with yours, “Hey! Yeah – he’s being Yoongi-hyung. He’s fine.” Fine. The way Namjoon said he’s fine made you uneasy. Fine was not good. Fine was not sleep. Fine was not fine. You swallowed and looked at the door.“I should go and check on him…” You started. Namjoon shook his head and stood up walking over to you,“So that’s the shirt you chose? Why that one?”You paused still looking at the door, the image of Yoongi slamming replaying, “Because it seemed the most like you. Anyway, yeah…I’m going to check on him.” “Why?” Namjoon whined, “I already did. He's just his moody self.""Maybe but…I dunno." You mumbled, starting to chew on the pad of your thumb. It didn't sit right with you that he just left like that. It made you anxious.“Exactly. Don’t worry about it too much.” Namjoon sighed before patting your shoulder. You nodded and turned back to him.“Yeah. It’s also late, I should be getting to bed anyway.”“Lemme walk you home.”You shook your head while moving from him, “No, thanks. I’m good.”“You always say no, and I always walk you home.” He laughed rolling his eyes. Namjoon reached into his closet and grabbed a light jacket. You rubbed your temples and kept walking away."Well, tonight I'm serious. I don't want you to walk me home." You cautioned."You play dress up in my clothes, and I can't walk you home." He smirked leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest.“I didn’t play dress up! And no, you can’t walk me home.” You snapped. Namjoon’s eyes got wide as his smile dropped. “Good night.” You mumbled leaving his room quickly. You looked down the hallway to Yoongi's room. You should go home. Namjoon was right, Yoongi was moody. Yoongi had been moody all night. To top it all off Namjoon did go and check on him. Then why did you feel like you needed to apologize? You didn't do anything wrong. The sick feeling spread to your throat as you walked to Yoongi's room. You were making a bigger deal out of it than it than it was! Yoongi would look at you like you had two heads and tell you to leave him alone. You knocked on Yoongi’s door and heard silence. You sucked your lips inward the pushed the door open knowing that this was not the right decision to make. The only light in the room came from his phone illuminating his face. He was laying on his back with his hand behind his head scrolling for a few moments. Then, Yoongi looked over to you coolly and sighed turning over his back facing you, “I’m trying to sleep.” He mumbled as the light when out. You stood there in the dark groaning putting your hands out trying to feel your way to him.“Okay…” You whispered, “If I trip over something trying to make it to your bed you can’t laugh.”“Or you could leave and go back to Namjoon’s.” “He thinks I went home.” Silence. Then a gentle rustling. It sounded like Yoongi moved over in the bed or sat up. You wouldn’t know because you couldn’t see your hands in his darkness. Rich people get all the nice things like blackout curtains.“And he didn’t try to walk you home?” “I told him not too.” You mumbled trying to concentrate on not busting your entire shit, not that Yoongi would be able to see it.“You always tell him not too.” Finally, your hands connected with his soft mattress then you began to pat around trying to find an empty spot for you to sit in. Did it have to be as dark as a morgue in there?! Christ! You sat down and let out a gentle chuckle.“Yeah, well he listened to me this time.”“How are you going to get home safely?”“I have these things called legs…they take me back and forth places. Plus – like I’ve been saying Seoul is the safest place on earth. Nothing is going to happen to me on this little ten-minute walk.” Yoongi’s phone lit up for a second. He did move from the laying position to a sitting up leaning against the headboard his arms crossed. You both were staring at each other as if even in the darkness you two could find each other. That was poetic. You needed to remember to write that down. You continued to stare at him while you were trying to wrap your mind around what you wanted to say to him. You were always in places you shouldn’t be. Something about the night made you want to wrap your arms around Yoongi’s body and place your head on his chest. That strange risky safeness…like when you woke up in his arms.“Why are you here?” He whispered. Why are you here? To apologize, you thought, but now you didn't know why. Why were you here in the middle of the night in Min Yoongi's room feeling like you needed to say something that didn't need to be told? You put on a fake smile and leaned forward pinching his cheek,“To tuck you in, Yoon.” The light turned off, and your hand fell away from him. You stood up and grumbled trying to make your way back to the door to find the light. In the dark between you and Yoongi felt slightly strange, bizarre in the best way. When you flicked the light on the feeling disappeared. You turned around to see Yoongi rolling his eyes and wincing from the bright light. Once you made your way back to him, you pushed the covers under his body making sure that he was nice and comfortable, ignoring his eyes on you. Once he was all tucked in you sat next to him once more, “I could sing you a lullaby if you’d like,” You teased. He smirked and shook his head.“Are you sure you don’t want me to walk you home?” Yoongi asked eyes half closed snuggly in bed. You pulled your phone out opening the camera quickly and snapping a picture.“Nah – if anyone tries to kill me I’ll just trade this pic for my life. I heard this kid named Suga goes for a high price or something.” He chuckled at your silly comment. You shrugged ignoring the overwhelming urge to muss his hair. You opted for patting his shoulder instead. Yoongi’s lips parted as he started to say something, but you spoke before he had the chance. “Good night, Yoon.”“Good night, Bunny.” He sighed closing his eyes completely. Apparently, you’ve finally gotten used to your heart racing at the speed of light. You didn’t even feel the thumping in your chest until you turned the light off and walked out of Yoongi’s room. You pulled your phone out sighing at the time, you had been at Bangtan’s dorm for far too long. But you did what you needed. You had Namjoon’s shirt. And you made Yoongi feel better…you think. You took quiet steps as you walked to the back door letting the sounds of the tv guide your way. As you rounded the corner, you saw Namjoon sitting there still in his clothes from earlier. You glanced at him as you kept walking to the door. You just want to get back to your dorm and go to sleep. Exhaustion started to seep into your bones."Thought you were leaving," Namjoon muttered from the couch, his arms sprawled on the back of it the light from the tv dancing across his face. You didn’t stop your strides still feeling irritated at Namjoon, “I was. Then I needed to do something. I’m leaving now.” “Alright,” He sighed pushing himself off the couch. You glared at him as you reach the door,“I don’t remember inviting you.”“I’m taking a walk.” He answered. You rolled your eyes and stomped out of the dorm wanting to put a mile between you and Namjoon. But you are tiny. And he is tall. You balled your fist groaning loudly as he walked behind you like a weird bodyguard. Every time you peeked at him over your shoulder, he was never looking at you. Either at the road, the sky, his phone, but never at you…the whole way to your dorm. When you got to the gate you stopped and pushed through listening to Namjoon walk past then his footsteps stopped right where you could no longer see him. You stood there with your arms crossed,“If you are waiting for me to enter my dorm before you walk back to yours you are going to be waiting a while.”“I don’t know what you are talking about.” Namjoon called out to you, “I’ve stopped to tie my shoe.”“Seems pretty convenient.” You muttered. Namjoon peaked over the gate and smirked. You frowned at him and rolled your eyes waiting for him to walk back to his dorm. He placed his hands on top of the metal and laid his head on it, yawning, "I didn't need you to walk me home.""I know. But – if something had happened to you…I wouldn't been able to forgive myself. You may walk around not thinking that you don't mean much, and you aren't special enough to warrant that attention, but you do, and you are. Now go upstairs and get into bed so I can go to bed." You pursed your lips trying not to smile. Trying not to give Namjoon’s words too much of your attention. You mouthed ‘Good Night' and turned around heading upstairs. You mattered to him…you always have. Your phone vibrated in your pocket.|Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: Did you make it home safe? |Y/N: Yes, shouldn’t you be sleeping. |Supreme Genius Suga-Seonbae: I will now. Wanted to make sure I didn't have to come save your life. |Y/N: You’d be the last person I call to save my life. You move to slow. |Y/N: Go to bed. When you got to your bed, you sat down and looked at your room…at your life. You didn't plan on coming here and making friends, especially with famous idols but you were so glad to have them in your life. But you had a feeling, like all things, this couldn't last.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
If you ever wondered what an idol surrounded by fans was like, you figured this was the closest you were gonna get. You were pressed against the corner of the dance studio hands over your face trying to ignore your teammates' cacophony of yelling. Did they really think you weren't going to deliver? Jiho was pawing at Namjoon's shirt that you had tucked into your black leggings. Yeonjoo and Heeae were screaming, but of course, Miyung stood a bit far back and muttered her congrats before getting right into stretching. If you had known that they were going to act like this, you would've taken a picture in it and sent it off to them in the group chat. Jiho begged you to give a play by play, hoping that your giant theft involved you wearing a mask and sneaking through Bangtan’s dorm in the cover of darkness. She imagined you jumping from one ledge to another until finally breaking into to Kim Namjoon's room while he was sleeping. You blinked and snorted at her, she had quite the imagination. What you told them was a big fat lie. You said you texted Tae and he hooked you up. They didn’t need to know what happened in Bangtan’s dorm that night. Hell, you almost wished that you didn’t know what happened in Bangtan’s dorm that night. While you were sitting at lunch, picking at your food, you kept replying the night like a movie. It didn’t feel real. Laying your head on Yoongi like that, tucking him in like he was a child. You grimaced shoving a roll in your mouth letting your head hit the table. At your lesson this morning Yoongi didn’t act any different than he always did. So, you didn’t act any different, but it was different now. Sitting beside him in his dim studio just felt different. You took a deep breath, reasoning that you were tired. You’ve been lighting the candle at both ends between dance practice and your sessions. And nothing was going to slow down very soon. You just needed to make a little further, in a couple of months winter break was going to be here, and you'd be able to rest for a whole week. Your mind began to drift to thoughts of lying in bed, writing music, not dealing with Miyung, and do anything you wanted. A smile covered your face, then your peace was interrupted by a tray hitting the table. It was the only thing that made you pick up your head. You yawned looked up to see the devil, you mean Miyung. Her hair was in two buns on the top of your head, and you were delighted to have French braids today. You sat up slowly and looked at her trying to figure out why she was sitting down in front of you. You looked at the room to see besides a few other trainees hardly anyone was in the lunch room. “Hi. Do you mind if I sit down?” She asked even though she was already seated. You shrugged and took a bite of your lunch slowly. You and Miyung stared at each other as if one of you would attack. If you had to guess who would jump first you’d put your bet on Miyung, you didn't have the energy for much of anything lately, "How's lunch?” “Fine.” You answered, pushing the lettuce that started to wilt around your plate. Maybe you should start adding more protein to your diet, perhaps that will help you get more energy. “Good.” She replied. Miyung took another bite of her food sighing then looking around like she wanted to be anywhere else in the world. You looked around with her wishing that she was anywhere else in the world. “You know you don’t have to sit with me.” You suggested praying that she would take your offer and leave. She pressed her lips in a tight smile and shook her head, “I know. But you know. Teammates. Win together.” “Yeah.” You sighed, It was absolutely the game of the devil you know versus the devil you don't. Although things were getting slightly better, you had to admit she was talented as hell. She could sing and dance her ass off but personality wise, she had a chip on her shoulder. The two of you sat in awkward silence chewing slowly and looking at everything but each other for what felt like an eternity. It was more like ten minutes. Miyung cleared her throat before speaking, “That was really cool of V-seonbae to hook you up.” “He prefers if we call him Tae.” You replied not wanting to rehash the lie you came up with. Miyung snorted while chewing her food, "I'll make sure to pass the information?" “Good?” You shrugged. Another awkward silence covered the two of you. You started to bounce your leg trying not to be too agitated by the situation. It was big of Miyung to sit by you instead of sitting by herself. She really was working, so maybe you should put your best foot forward too. “I like your part of our song…it’s really pretty.” You said. Miyung’s eyebrows went up for a second before she smiled bowing slightly, “Thank you, I like your rap a lot too. Brains…I got it…Beauty…I flaunt it…walk around fly as hell…” "Boy, I know you want it! Brand new idol I know you know my name…scream it out loud, so you know it ain’t a game.” You finished with her. To be honest, you weren't really a fan of the rap you were given, but it was easier to just learn it for this time around. You were going to ask Dodo to tweak it a little bit later this week during your first recording session. “Speaking of names, we really need to come up with a group name. Do you know what you are thinking for your stage name?” “Uh…Prism maybe?” You mumbled looking down at your half-eaten plate. “Why Prism?” Miyung questioned pushing her potatoes back and forth. “Hmmm…well a prism can either bring clarity or disruption to your vision. I want to bring clarity to our fans, but I want to bring disruption to the status quo.” You whispered. Miyung leaned in close her eyes getting wider with your answer. “And I just like the idea of a prism taking light in and making it more beautiful with rainbows. I want to make the world more beautiful with my music.” “Wow. That’s really impressive, Y/N-ah. Have you been thinking about your stage name for a while?” You shook your head looking back down again. Of course, you had thought about your stage name for a while. Even though you didn't want to be an idol, if it ever happened you were prepared. When you heard the word in science class once it just stuck with you. It fit. You could hear the crowd screaming that…you could hear yourself introducing with it. You were Prism. And when you became a producer, it would look beautiful on a credit sheet. “What about you?” You asked Miyung because it was only fair. "Young." She answered. You nodded slowly hoping that she was going to provide another name, but when she looked at you with her round face and large eyes, you realized that ‘Young’ was what she wanted to be called. "Cool…" You muttered, biting on your bottom lip. You cannot laugh at her name. You were just getting to a decent spot with her, and if one burst of a laugh came from you, then everything would be back at square one. Don't laugh. Miyung started laughing hysterically throwing her head back and pointing at you, “Oh my gosh! You thought I was serious! The look on your face! That was good! No! That’s dumb! I’m thinking about Mimi.” “I like that so much better!” You gushed, holding your hands to your chest. You smiled genuinely with her for the first time. When you realized what you were doing your smile faded a bit. So, did hers. Buzzing in your back pocket pulled you away from your strangely comfortable conversation with Miyung. You picked up your phone to see a message from Tae. It was a picture of you and Miyung…from a second ago when your faces were bright with joy. You frowned hard looking up and around the cafeteria trying to find where that little jerk was. Another photo came to your phone of you looking around. You mumbled to Miyung that you had to go and got up quickly tossing your things. “Psst! Y/N-ah!” Tae whispered yelled from the hallway. You looked over your shoulder right at Miyung who was observing the situation with a slight smirk. You swallowed and waved at her before walking to him. Tae waved dramatically, his face wide with wonder. No matter the mood you were in Tae always made you feel better. He always made you feel comfortable and loved and asked for nothing in return. You wrapped your arms around him squeezing him quickly before leaning back and hitting him, “You can’t go around yelling my name all friendly like when people around Tae!” You whispered, grabbing his arm and pulling him down the hall to the private studios. He whined behind you, “I haven’t seen you in forever! I missed you! Also, who cares.” “I care. I already have my group asking if we’re good friends.” “And what’d you say?” He asked matching your strides. You turned the corner looking at him for a split second over your shoulder, “That we are friends…that you root me on and stuff.” Tae stopped walking his child-like wonder fading slightly. “But not good friends.” “Of course, we’re good friends Tae. Best friends. I just…I'm having problems enough with my group, I don't need them thinking that I'm getting special attention or extra stuff by being your friend." You sighed hoping he would understand. Tae had an extraordinary place in your heart and in your life. Unlike Yoongi and Namjoon where it always felt like you didn't know where you stood in their life. Tae felt like a refuge in this crazy storm that you were in, even though he could be a hurricane when he wanted to be."Wait? You have a problem with your group? What’s the problem? Can I help?” You waved him off stopping in front of the private studios waiting for him to unlock it, “Nothing. I’m handling it.”“Okay. But you know you can come to me, right?” "Of course!" You grinned smooshing his face in your hands. He smiled and pinched your cheeks pulling them out wide. “Oww owww!” You hissed pushing his hands off, “Although it would be nice to be able to get into here without waiting for Yoon every morning.”"Ask, and you shall receive. I lose these all the time. Here." Tae shrugged handing you a plastic white key card. You looked at it then back at him shaking your head, “Wait. I can’t. I mean – Yoon would totally not like that.”“I’m sure he’d love one less step to get to you. But if he doesn’t want you to have it then give it back.” He chuckled pressing the card into your palm. You grinned at him and swiped it hearing the door unlock. It was a beautiful sound. You realized that you walked here out of muscle memory. There was no reason for you to be there, but you were so used to going to the studios. You thought you were taking Tae here to interact with him without anyone seeing you, but most of the trainees that weren't in groups were in class. You merely preferred to be in the studio space. Hoseok’s studio door opened wide as the dancer emerged stretching upwards to the ceiling. You grinned at him and bowed deeply as Tae called out to his brother. “What are you two doing here?” Hoseok asked putting his hands on his hips. “Y/N-ah doesn’t want to be seen in public with me.” Tae lamented starting to fake cry. You rolled your eyes and shook your head. “I hardly want to be seen in public with you either,” Hoseok teased. Tae’s mouth opened wide then he laughed doubling over with joy. You snickered covering your mouth, “Are you here to see Namjoon, Y/N-ah?” Blinking, you tried to keep your face neutral. That was a weird question. You were clearly with Tae. And the way he asked it – like he was trying to suggest something. You put your hands behind your back giving him a polite smile, “No…why? Does Namjoon want to see me? I can say hi if he wants but…I mean…” “I don’t think so. I like your shirt.” Hoseok said knowingly. You swallowed and smoothed down the Hawaiian print fighting a blush. So that is what he was getting at. “Thank you! It’s a bit too big for me, but I’m sorta into the baggy look.” You smirked putting your arms out. “You look very cute in it. I’m sure Namjoon would agree.” Hoseok chuckled. You rolled your eyes and crossed your arms over your chest as if you were trying to keep yourself from busting apart. “He told you?” You breathed in horror. Hoseok laughed loudly nodding his head. You sighed wondering again why you were a topic of conversation in that house. "I don't understand what you guys are talking about," Tae interjected frowning. You looked over at him and nudged him with your shoulder. “This is Namjoon’s shirt.” You answered snickering. Tae’s mouth fell open again in shock then he pouted, “Why are you wearing his clothes!”“It’s a very long lonnngggg story, TaeTae.” You cooed then from the corner of your eye you saw Hoesok pull out his phone. You glared at him and shook your head violently, “No no! No candid shots!” “I’m just going to send it to Namjoon so he can see what you look like in his clothes.” Hoseok laughed taking the shot regardless. You rolled your eyes ignoring how he said it. You look ordinary in his clothes. Just like you look normal in Yoongi's clothes. Also, you were gonna start charging these boys if they were going to keep taking pictures of you without your permission. You were not the famous one. "Send it to all of us," Tae mumbled walking over to Hoseok and looking at the picture. He scrunched up his nose, “This is not it. Lemme take it.” “Use your phone then.” Hoseok groaned pushing Tae away from him. You leaned against the wall sighing, “Do I get a say in this weird photoshoot you’d like me to participate in?” “Not really. Oppas get to boss little sisters around.” Tae smiled pulling his phone out. You sighed, “I need a baseball cap then. I know one of you has merch in one of these rooms.” Hoseok grinned and hopped back into his studio. Only a few moments passed when he came back with the black cap with the rings on the left side. You grabbed it from Hoseok and put the cap low on your head. You made sure that your French braids came over your shoulders as you squatted low. Tae snorted and started taking pics. Some of them you stuck your tongue out. Others were holding the brim of the hat. The last shot you put your fingers up in the LA sign before smiling brightly. While talking pictures you started to feel…off… At first, you felt a little warm but as the time went on you felt like you were drowning in heat. “Okay…I’m done…I’m burning up.” You muttered pulling the hat off your head. It felt like you ran the mile. You could feel the beads of sweat starting to form around your edges. You tugged the collar of the shirt away while fanning yourself trying to get some type of relief. Fear rain down your spine because it felt like someone was squeezing your chest from the inside. Then the world tilted around you. Something was wrong. Terribly wrong. You gulped air quickly as you leaned against the wall closing your eyes trying to do anything to stop the spinning. What was going on with you? You put your hands on your chest feeling your heart hammer away at your ribs. “Are you okay?” “Yes.” You lied trying to will yourself to feel better again. When you opened your eyes Tae’s and Hoseok’s faces were filled with worry. You smiled gently and stretched your arms above your head, “I’m just sleepy! That’s all. I might head home and rest.” “You sure? I have a couch in my studio you can rest on.” Hoseok offered gesturing behind him. You bowed politely. Bad move…Your stomach lurched forward as the spinning started again. You stood up quickly taking a deep breath and holding it. You let it out slowly and gave a weak smile, "Yes. I just need rest. I'll see you guys around. Thanks for the photo shoot!" You exited the hall of private studios. You merely needed some fresh air. That’s all. Once you got that you’d feel better…hopefully. You forced yourself to inhale and exhale slowly as your vision started to tunnel. You ground your teeth trying to make it outside. Just a few more steps… You stood in the fresh air gulping all of it into your lungs, appreciating the gentle cold drops of rain that fell against your skin. You could almost hear a sizzle from how hot your skin was. For a few moments, you were still –, but the spinning didn't stop nor the heat that consumed you. The air was not making you feel any better nor was the rain! You should’ve rested on Hoseok’s couch! You tucked your bottom lip in your mouth and bit down hard finding your resolve. You could do this. You could make it back to your dorm and rest. Left foot. Right foot. One after another, even though your legs felt like they were made of steel and the rain was a sheet the whole way back to the dorm. The cold soaked into your warm bones, but it did the opposite to make you feel better and made you feel worse. You focused on how good your bed was going to be and a nice cup of tea to help lull you into a peaceful rest. By the time you made it back to the dorm, your clothes were stuck to your skin, but you were glad to make it. You didn’t even say hello to Yoonsook as you made your way to your bed. You fell right into it and went right to sleep. “Y/N!” You woke up in a panic thrashing around trying to see where the screaming was coming from. Yoonsook stood in your bedroom still in her pajamas her hair a mess on her head. Your teeth started to chatter immediately as you realized you were still wearing your damp, cold clothing from the day. “Y/N! Your phone has been blowing up! Pleaseeeee turn it off!” She snapped. What time was it?! You heard the phone ringing and a faint light coming from the end of your bed. You snatched up your blanket wrapping it around your arms before grabbing the phone. 11 Text Messages. 7 Missed Calls. All from Min Yoongi. You were horrified as you started to go through them. |Yoon: Where are you? |Yoon: You’re late.|Yoon: Can you at least tell me when are you going to be late?
MISSED CALL FROM YOON 2:15AM
|Yoon: Okay.|Yoon: Are you dead?
MISSED CALL FROM YOON 2:18AM
|Yoon: If you’ve overslept I’m gonna…|Yoon: This isn’t like you
MISSED CALL FROM YOON 2:22AM
MISSED CALL FROM YOON 2:24AM
MISSED CALL FROM YOON 2:25AM
|Yoon: Can you let me know if you are okay?|Yoon: Bunny!
MISSED CALL FROM YOON 2:28AM
MISSED CALL FROM YOON 2:30AM
|Yoon: Pick up the fucking phone|Yoon: If you don’t pick up the next time I call I’m coming to your dorm Yoongi’s next call ripped through the quiet of your dorm. You picked up immediately speaking fast apologizes, “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! I overslept. I didn’t hear the phone ring. Yoonsook had to wake me up. I can be there in ten minutes…” You started to get off the bed ignoring Yoonsook’s worried face. You began to peel the wet clothing off of you grimacing. You should’ve taken your clothes off before you got in bed, but you were so tired. Yoonsook muttered that she was going back to bed before exiting your room. “Hey…hey…hey…stop…” Yoongi sighed into the phone, “No, it’s okay. I was just worried about you. Don’t worry about coming now. You needed the rest. I’ve got a good way to make up for the lost time.” “Are you sure…I can give you a short lesson over the phone?” Yoongi’s laugh came through the phone sending shivers down your spine. His voice being that close to your ear made your stomach flip. You fell back in bed wrapping yourself up, “No, that’s okay. But later today I want you to come to a recording session. Bang PD-nim will be there, along with some other people.” “Seriously?!” You grinned ignoring the pain in your skull, “That’s amazing! Thank you so much!” “Great. Come to the main studio at 2. Don’t be late. Actually, be a bit early.” “You got it. Whatever you need.” He laughed once more, “Go back to bed. I’ll see you soon.” “Good Night, Yoon.” “Good Morning, Bunny.” A smile appeared on your face as you hung up. A studio session! With Bang PD! Even though you felt like shit, you had to power through. You could rest when you were dead. But you were going to take a small nap because you couldn't keep your eyes open even if you tried. If you thought that you felt terrible yesterday and this morning, the day was a whole new monster. You ached from the inside out. As much as you tried to tell yourself and power through, you were sick. But not a normal sick, a sluggish gross sickness that made your stomach churn and head throb. It was the worst. But you had to pretend everything was alright with you – you had to keep moving forward. In dance practice you drank all the water you could after every single break, your heart feeling at like at any moment it would stop. You didn’t know if you were hot because you were sick or if you were hot because you were dancing. It most likely a mixture of the both. Miyung kept looking at you as you were dancing out of time, messing up in ways you hadn’t in days but never said a word. You casually mentioned that it was an off day and kept pushing forward. You would’ve said that you weren’t feeling good and stayed home but this recording session was so important. You’d been dying to see Bang PD-nim work along with Yoongi. You weren’t going to miss that because you felt a little sick. As soon as the session was over, you'd go home and rest until you felt better. Just needed to make it through. During lunch, you went to a practice room and slept setting the alarm to get there early. The alarm shot through you and the world was blurry as if someone was pouring water over you. You sat still closing your eyes and reopening them, wishing…no praying that you'd feel better for just a bit longer. Just to make it a little while more. You opened them once more, and the world was clear, aside from the excruciating pain in your head. You held against the wall as you got up and walked to the big studio. Adrenaline would get you through the rest of it, you hoped. You put a pleasant smile on your not so pleasant-feeling face then rounded the corner. Yoongi stood outside of the door dressed as your favorite grim reaper. Black shirt, black pants with cuts at his knees, and a long black warm cardigan. When you walked up to him his smile became big and gummy. You tried to return it, but you were to focused on trying to keep your breathing even and felt your knees start to buckle. “You feeling okay?” “Yeah!” You lied, waiting for him to open the door to do something. You just needed to sit, “Thank you again for inviting me.” You bowed slowly, remembering what the quick bow did to you yesterday, Yoongi chuckled and rolled his eyes playfully before opening up the studio door. Bang PD-nim and Namjoon were talking to each other laughing about something. When they looked over at you Namjoon’s face became big and bright. Bang PD stood up and grinned, "Y/N! I'm so glad to see you here! If I had known you wanted to learn about the studio, I would've invited you to these sessions sooner."“Oh well…I didn’t want to bug…” “Stop it!” Bang PD exclaimed, “Please take a seat…we are waiting on Supreme.” You were so grateful for the large plush couch. You jumped into its softness becoming one with it. “He’s always late.” Namjoon sighed moving to sit next to you on the couch. “Sounds like my kind of person.” You mumbled leaning back on the couch. You felt yourself starting to drift away and sat forward quickly to wake up, “Here.” Yoongi said when he pushed a water bottle in your face, “Drink this.” “Where’s mine?” Namjoon whined, "Get it yourself." Yoongi laughed sitting in a chair next to your position. You gave Yoongi a quick smile before cracking it open and downing the cold liquid inside. “Would you like anything else, Y/N-ah?” Namjoon questioned before getting up and heading to a small fridge in the corner, You shook your head and took deep breaths trying to keep the world in focus. Just a few hours and you could go home and rest. You felt Yoongi’s eyes on you and looked at him slightly. He was worried. Did he know you were sick? That would be impossible. Bang PD-nim mentioned that he needed to take a call and told the room to get started as soon as Supreme got in. “So, what are you guys working on today?” You asked as Namjoon sat back beside you. The slight shift in weight made you lean in his direction, and you felt too weak to correct yourself. “Just a song for the new album," Namjoon answered putting his arms on the back of the couch. You hummed taking another sip of the water, “Will either of you be rapping?” "Yeah," Yoongi answered. Excitement zipped through your body. You were in a recording session, and Yoongi was going to rap! This was your heaven. You grinned brightly clapping your hands together. Yoongi smirked then looked at your half-full water bottle silently telling you to keep drinking. Groaning you kept sipping on it. The door to the studio flew open as a young man walked in his hair blond and a gray shirt on his body, his jeans hanging low off his hips. This has to be Supreme Boi. He sighed and covered his eyes without looking at the room, “Before you lay into me, Yoongi-hyung, I have a good reason for being late. You see, I heard a rumor that the American Trainee was around, so I was trying to look for her.” That must you. You sighed and crossed your arms over your chest. When where you going to not be a topic of conversation around here? You prayed that soon nobody would care about your existence aside from whoever needed you to produce. One of these days nobody is going to care about you. You could hardly wait. “Why were you looking for her?” Yoongi chuckled, “Well…” Supreme Boi started letting his hands slide down his face walking to the console and sitting with his back facing the group, “I heard that she was really cute, and I wanted to see her. Plus, Namjoon talks about her all –” Namjoon started coughing violently a blush covering his cheeks, “Oh sorry! Uh! Supreme, meet Y/N…” “Hey.” You waved as he turned around slowly his eyes big. When Supreme looked at you a big goofy grin appeared. He got up quickly and dropped to one knee grabbing your hand. “You are so much more than cute. You are beautiful. Can we get married?”"Sure." You answered as Namjoon and Yoongi yelled at him for being an idiot. Supreme looked at both of them then gestured for you to repeat your answer, "I said sure because I need to make sure that my visa doesn't ever expire. I'm marrying you for convenience, not for love. Know that now." “Aish! Just as cold as they say.” “Who is they?! And why are there so many conversations about me?” You asked looking at Namjoon since he was the only solid clue you had. He laughed sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck, “We should get started with the session…” “Fine.” Supreme muttered, “But after I’d be happy to help you get a permeant visa!” You laughed and nodded. "Can we just start!" Yoongi groaned. You snickered and tried to stop yourself from shivering. Even with your zip-up hoodie and a jean jacket over it you were freezing. Like magic the three young men in the room became serious. Yoongi hopped up going into the booth as Namjoon stood behind Supreme patting him on the shoulder mumbling something about really liking this beat. Supreme looked up giving a smug smile before pressing play. A beautiful melodic rhythm came from the stereo that moved to a harder trap beat. When Supreme gave Yoongi the cue he unleased fire. This was the Yoongi you were waiting for, the monster on the track. The underground battle rapper. God, he was beautiful. And strong. He bopped his head along to the words. Then he switched up his wordplay and flow. Then as soon as he started, he finished. He gave a satisfied nod then looked over to Namjoon. You couldn’t help yourself! You stood up and started clapping, praising him in your native tongue, “Fuck yes Min Yoongi! That was so good! Moving you higher on my list!” But standing up that fast was a mistake. The world was in slow motion as everything tilted to the right. You locked eyes with Yoongi and watched his smile turn to dread. Your vision became blurry as everything started to spin around you. Shit. You tried to take deep breaths to clear your mind, but no air entered your lungs. Your knees buckled unable to hold you up. Pain ran spread down your side as you landed on the ground. You were trying to grasp on the last bits of control you had. Someone was yelling at you, their cool hand on your forehead. You tried your hardest to feel better, to get up but you couldn't. This shouldn't be happening. This can't be happening! Push through…you tried to communicate that you were fine, but your body betrayed you. Your heart shuttered in your chest then –
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Someone nudged you, a reminder that you weren’t alone. You looked up from the piano to see him. Dressed in all of your favorite clothes. He smiled widely before walking over and kissing your forehead.“I’ve missed you.” He mumbled, placing his fingers in your hair. You playfully tapped his butt, “What have I told you about my hair?”“Can’t remember.” He laughed placing his arms around your shoulders.“I love you.” You whispered letting your fingers dance across the piano. He kissed your forehead again, “I love you too, Y/N. C’mon – you gotta get ready for your performance tonight.” He whispered into your hair as two young men ran past you, one with a bunny smile and the other with his fingers in his hair.“Aish.” You hissed, “I don’t wanna. I wanna stay here with you.”“But you don’t belong to me.”“Then who do I belong to?” The crowd screamed the lyric back at you as you held the mic out to them. Your heartbeat in time with the thump of the base. You held your hand to your ear grinning, “THEN WHO DO I BELONG TO!” The crowd responded, and you held the mic to your lips, “Myself! I belong to myself! I am my own! I’m never alone! I don’t need you anymore. I am my own!” You stood there at the edge of the stage looking around at all of the bodies, lights and sounds feeling something you hadn't felt before. You felt complete. You felt home. “Prism! Prism!” The crowd cried to you. You bowed deeply feeling gratitude and honor that they loved you the same way that you loved them. Tears stung your eyes as you stood there taking the moment in.“Prism!” A deep timber whispered in your ear before he wrapped his arms around you. You shivered in the cold night, “I’ve always liked that name.”“Thank you.” You smiled, looking over your shoulder at a window to see a man with broad shoulders and another with a smile that dripped with sunlight. “You know you…if you moved in with me, I wouldn’t have to walk you home every night.” Pulling your attention back to him.You laughed and kissed his chin, “As long as you are in a group, I will not be moving in with you. Could you imagine they’d just barge in all the time!”“I’ll change the locks because I love you.” He muttered in between kisses to your temples, cheeks, and nose.“I’ll change your locks!” You growled playfully pushing him away. You broke out into a slow jog turning around to see him charging behind you, “That doesn’t mean anything!” You ran faster and faster until you fell off a ledge. You were falling into nothingness, and as scary as that could've been you felt peaceful. And warm. And safe. Then in the darkness a hand reached out to you. You reached for it. You reached for him. Your safe place. Your home.Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. What was that noise? It was so annoying. You turned over in the warmth trying to find a better position. You were trying to find your way back to your dreams. In the loving embrace of whoever that man was…well two men. They were distinctly different, even if the images were blurry. The beeping noise got louder the more awake you became. Then the realization that you were not in your bed hit you. Your bed was comfortable in comparison, and your blanket was not as itchy. You rubbed your eyes and opened them slowly looking at a ceiling that was not the same as in your dorm room. Where were you? When you sat up, you felt something press against the crook of your arm. An IV ran from your arm to a bag next to the bed. You grimaced looking around the white room with the horrible florescent lights. You were in the fucking hospital. Holy shit! You were in the fucking hospital. You bit your bottom lip as the beeping sped up, playing your heart rate like a terrible song. The last thing you remember was…the recording studio…then not feeling good…then… You took a deep breath tucking your knees to your chest before looking at your index finger on your left hand. A small gray clamp was attached to it that lead to the heart monitor. You weren’t feeling good but why would you be in the hospital? You still didn’t feel one hundred percent if you were honest. Your bones still ached, and your head throbbed. And the thin shirt and sweatpants you wore did nothing to keep you warm. How long had you been in the hospital? You did another sweep of the room. There were two chairs near your bed, one was empty, and the other had a sleeping idol in it. Your eyes got big looking Yoongi over trying to figure out why he was here and how long he had been there. His head was propped against the top of the chair, his black bucket hat on top of his dark locks. He was wearing a black hoodie and light blue jeans. You groaned – a change of clothes meant that you had been there for a while. Sounds came from outside of the door, terrifying you. You laid back down shutting your eyes tightly trying to pretend to be asleep. You didn’t want the person to think that you were just awake and staring at Yoongi because that’d be weird. You took even breaths as the door opened and someone walked in.“She’s still asleep…” The person whispered, “Yoon. Yoon. Get up. It’s 6am.” Silence. Then there was a groan and what sounded like someone sitting hard in the other seat, “C’mon Yoongi. Get up.”“Why?”“Because you need to go home. You've been here too long." You recognized the voice as Namjoon. It took all of your efforts not to snort and roll your eyes. While you should've expected it, you didn't.The room was quiet for a moment before Yoongi exhaled loudly, “Okay. Let me know if anything happens.”“She’s not going to die, Yoongi.” Yoongi grunted and the sounds of a chair pushing back mixed with the even beeping of your heart monitor. Footsteps led up to your bed, and you willed yourself to stay still as you could. He squeezed your hand, “She’d better not.” As sudden as he grabbed your hand, he released it leaving only the sounds of his footsteps as he walked away. The door closed. You lied there wondering if Namjoon was going to stay or depart soon. Then the loud, irritating screech of a chair being pulled up to you. You slowly opened your eyes. Namjoon sat there with his arms crossed and eyes closed. A heavy sigh left his body as he put his fingers through his hair.“I should be back at the studio.” He started putting his head in his hands, “There’s literally nothing I can do here…” You shut your eyes tightly scared to be caught. His large hands grabbed yours his thumb rubbing your palm, “But…” He laughed sighing, “I want to make sure that everything is good with you first, kitten. Even though you can’t hear me. And Yoongi-hyung has watched you like a hawk.” Apparently, Namjoon was ignoring the heart monitor because it was beeping quickly. You kept your breathing even wishing he would stop or go away. You could just wake up, but that would be awkward for both of you. So, you lied there praying that this would be over soon. He let his fingers run across the front of your hands to your fingers making you bite your tongue to stop yourself from shivering.“I don’t know why I’m talking out loud, this is stupid. God, you are so fragile. When I saw you go down…my heart stopped. And before I could even get to you, there was Yoongi-hyung." His voice was tight and thick with irritation. A bitter laugh came out, "I don’t like feeling like this, helpless. I don’t know how to help you right now…and I don’t like this feeling. I want to help you. I want to be there for you. I want you to let me in me, Y/N-ah.” He groaned, and silence covered the room aside from the noise from the machine that was hooked up to you. You heard him move then felt something soft against your cheek, different than his hands that were still on yours.“When you wake up I’ll prove to you that you can count on me…for anything.” You felt his warm breath tickle your ear and neck, heat pressing against your cheeks and tingles going down your spine. His warmth moved away, and he sat still for a moment, “Yoongi-hyung would murder me if I left and you woke up alone…” That was the opposite of what you wanted. Now you felt like you had to time waking up. It couldn't be too soon, or Namoon might think that you might've heard him…and you couldn't lie in that bed forever, you had things to do. You counted to one hundred. You did it twenty times in a row only stopping mid-count to listen if Namjoon was still there. And he was. You heard him mumbling things to himself that sounded like rap lyrics, then he took a call with someone. Finally, you reached the end of your count. You took a deep breath and stretched your body out sitting up slowly rubbing your eyes. You looked around the room to find Namjoon staring you with big happy eyes and a smile that made your insides melt.“Hi.” You breathed waving at him gently, before falling back in the bed turning to him. “You’re awake! Finally! Jesus do you know how scared I was!”“Scared enough to put me in a hospital,” You mused looking to the IV that was in your arm. Namjoon groaned and leaned back in his chair a bit,“You fell out in the music studio!” He looked like he was about to start arguing with you when he took a deep breath, “You know what, I’m going to get the doctor. I’ll be back.” Namjoon hopped up quickly and walked out of the door. As soon as you thought he was far enough away, you grabbed the pillow and put it on your face screaming into it. What in the fuck was going on!? Now that you had a bit of time you replayed what he said to you while you were ‘sleeping.' He wants to be let in! Let into what?! You groaned and shook your head. And then you were almost sure he kissed your cheek. But you weren't really confident, just it seemed like the only likely thing. He kissed your cheek! Your hand moved to the spot that was still burning while your other hand kept the pillow down as you screamed once more. The screaming made you feel a bit better, but it did not make your head better. It felt like your brain was sloshing around in your skull tender from everything. You removed the pillow and stared at the ceiling. Friends kiss each other’s cheeks all the time. Friends want to be closer. Friends worry about friends. That’s all that was. A friend worrying about another friend. You took slow deep breaths wishing that stupid heart monitor would turn off because it was going crazy with all of the beeps and boops.“Y/N-ah?” Namjoon called opening the door slowly. You sat up then smiled waving at him and the doctor.“Hello, Y/N. My name is Dr. Choi. How are you feeling?” The doctor asked before looking down at his clipboard. He was an older man with graying hair and a kind face. He pushed up his glasses with the end of his pen before looking up at you waiting for a response.“Uh. Better before well…you know…”“Yes, before your incident. Well, I’m glad you are feeling better. You came in here severely dehydrated and a terrible case of the flu.” He said giving you a kind smile. Namjoon stood behind him with his arms crossed watching you intently. “Have I been here long?” That was your biggest concern. You hoped that you didn’t pull a sleeping beauty and weren’t in the hospital for a week.“Two days.” Dr. Choi answered. You grimaced and groaned loudly,“Two days! Why didn’t anyone wake me up?!” You snapped mostly to Namjoon. He rolled his eyes and pressed his lips together,“We tried.” Dr. Choi and Namjoon replied at the same time. Your brows furrowed as you looked at them in confusion,“Your body needed to rest. And you had fluids and medicine running through your veins. So, we let you sleep. I decided that if you didn't wake up on your own after today, then we'd do something." The doctor continued while Namjoon nodded his head behind him.“Okay – well when can I leave?”“To be honest, that's where we have a bit of an issue. You are young and healthy. A nasty flu virus shouldn't make you pass out like that. And you shouldn't need forty-eight hours of rest, so we want to keep you an additional day for observation." “You’re kidding, right?” You sighed in English.“No. I’m not kidding.” Dr. Choi chuckled back in your native language.“But I have training still!” You persuaded trying to get Dr. Choi to let you leave now. Dr. Choi crossed his arms over his chest holding the clipboard tightly,"I'm well aware of your status as a trainee, Y/N. I understand that you want to get back to your training, but if I let you go today, and you pass out again, then I will not have done my job correctly as a doctor. Let me do my job so you can do yours better.”You huffed then looked over at Namjoon quickly who was covering his smirk, “Fine. Okay. So what additional tests are you going to do?”“Well, I want to know what happened before you passed out. What do you remember? How were you feeling?” “I’m going to step out…If you want me back, just holler.” Namjoon muttered before shoving his hands into his pockets and walking out of the door. Thus, began your long talk about everything leading up to passing out. Dr. Choi sat in the seat near your bed, and you told him how you were feeling hot, the squeezing of your chest, the dizziness…everything. He nodded and wrote things down. But when you said you felt your heart shutter his eyes got large. “What do you mean shutter?” He questioned,“Like…shake, uh...that was the last thing I remember…was my heart shaking.”“Hmm…it could be nothing, but I’m gonna run some tests to make sure the infection didn’t move to your heart.” “Wait! THAT’S A THING?!” You screamed, leaning forward. Dr. Choi nodded seriously,"It probably hasn't, but I want to make sure. We can get that test done a little later today, and if it comes back clean, then you'll be able to leave by noon tomorrow."“Okay.” You nodded. Dr. Choi smiled and stood up patting your shoulder,"We are going to get you healthy, and back to training, so you can debut." He announced walking out of the door. You bowed in your seat feeling dread start to sink in. Infection – in your heart? Could you die? No. You shook your head taking a deep breath. If the doctor thought it was more serious, he would've done something. You were fine. You couldn't dwell on it. Namjoon peaked his head through the door smiling widely, his dimples calming you down.“What did he say?” “Uh…” For some reason you didn’t want to worry Namjoon more than he already was, “I need a few more tests then tomorrow I’ll be good to go.” Namjoon literally collapsed in the chair next to your bed smiling gently.“I’m so glad. You really scared me.”"I'm sorry. And I'm sorry that you are even here. I'm sure you have a million and one things to do." You apologized looking at your hands, then remembering the warmth that you felt when his hands were around yours."Why are you apologizing? You were sick, and now you are going to get better. Didn’t I tell you – I’ll be there for you.”“Yeah, yeah…” You waved him off, before looking into his chocolate eyes, "But still, I know there are a hundred million things that you'd rather be doing."“Like what? I’d honestly rather be here with you. It’s quiet, peaceful and I’m with you.” Your eyes got large as your whole body shivered, heat flooding your face. You looked away for a bit swallowing trying to catch your breath back. You needed to remember that Namjoon was friendly. Friends say things like that. “Like writing songs or anything I guess.” You mumbled trying calm yourself.“I guess I should be packing, but that won’t take long.” He confessed rubbing his chin. You looked over at him raising an eyebrow. He chuckled, “We fly to LA for a week or so for some promo stuff tomorrow evening.”"Oh." You said. You tried to keep your voice straight, but the sadness crept in. That was the longest you'd be away from them since you got here…and if the week were anything like the last time Yoongi had to stop lessons, then this would be torture.“I think someone’s going to miss me.” Namjoon grinned, “But that’s why I want you to get better soon. I don’t want to leave you here alone.”"I'm going to miss Tae only." You smirked watching his smile fade. He mouthed ‘Liar' to you, and you shrugged refusing to answer. You and Namjoon talked for a while about what happened after you passed out. He said that Supreme Boi was screaming like someone was stabbed in front of him. He said it sounded like a little girl. You laughed loudly wishing you could’ve seen it. Then, like a light went off above his head, he dove into the pocket of his jeans before fishing out your cell phone. Namjoon mentioned that he held on to it. You were grateful. You looked up at him trying to see if he tried to unlock it. If he figured out the code. Namjoon looked at you innocently, and you shrugged, not like he would find anything interesting in there. Plus, you needed to call your momma to let her know that you were okay. Namjoon stayed and talked with you until the nurses came to get you for more testing. He said that he'd wait here until you got back but you were sure Joonie was going to go now that he saw that you were feeling better. The thought of you being alone in the cold hospital room made you uncomfortable. You sat there with your arm out watching the nurses drain your listening to the small talk about your seonbaes. It must've been exciting for them to see them with you when you were brought in.“And Suga carried you in like a princess! It was very prince-like of him.” The nurse cooed.“My daughter is going to be so happy to hear that he takes care of his friends very well.” Another nurse added taking the vials of blood from the first. Friends. You smiled slightly trying to ignore them. Why was it that the thought of being Yoongi’s friend didn’t sit right with you? You weren’t just one of his friends. You were his trainee. His dongsaeng. His Bunny. You blinked trying to figure out where that last thought came from. You were happy that quick blip of an idea stayed in your head and your head alone. One of the nurses took you into a different part of the hospital. During every test, the nurse administering it told you what was happening. They tested your heart's sound waves, your heart's electrical waves, then they x-rayed your chest. By the time you got back to your hospital room, you were starving. You knew that your room had more than Namjoon in it from the loud voices coming out of it. You peaked your head in to see all of Bangtan standing and sitting around. You turned around and looked at the nurse, “Can I have a different room? This one has been taken over.” She laughed at you and shook her head gently pushing you in. Hoesok and Yoongi leaned against the window scrolling through their phones and showing each other things. Kookie, Jimin, and Tae sat on your bed babbling between each other. Jin and Namjoon sat in the only chairs in your room pushed farther from the bed than where they were this morning. You walked in and smiled softly waving at the room pulling their attention to you. Tae's face became large, his eyes bloodshot and face blotchy. He had been crying. You froze praying that you weren't the one to cause him that pain. He rushed over and put his hands on your face touching down your neck to your shoulders trying to make sure that you were okay,"You are alive. I'm so relieved" He cried. His deep brown eyes started to well up, and you shook your head, wrapping your arms around his neck squeezing him tightly,“Please don’t cry. I’m sorry I worried you.” You began as your voice cracked. Tears clouded your vision, “I promise that I’ll never do that again.”“Tae!” Jin chuckled, “It’s okay. I told you that she’d be okay.” You let go of Tae to look at the room, finally connecting with Yoongi. He stood towards the back of the pack looking like he hadn’t slept in a few days but smiling. You felt horrible knowing that it was you that caused him to look like that…to cause Tae to cry…to cause Namjoon to worry. You felt the lump in your throat start to grow as more tears filled your vision. You bowed deeply,“I’m so sorry oppas…I…I don’t want you to worry about me. I’m sorry for stressing you out, especially right before your trip. Please find it in your heart to forgive me.”“Yah…” Hoseok snorted, “What’s with the formal speech?”“Yeah. We’re gonna worry about you.” Kookie grinned,“Because we like you. And it helps that you are cute.” Jimin winked. If it wasn't for Jimin calling you cute, you might've lost all of your cool in that moment. You didn't deserve this type of love. You didn't deserve it at all. You chewed on the inside of your lip and gave a small nod trying to stop yourself from crying. “I liked that you called us all oppa, but next time can we please try Kookie-oppa?” The youngest idol teased. You rolled your eyes and gave him the middle finger before walking to your bed. Your stomach grumbled loudly, and you groaned,"So hungry. Do Korean hospitals have terrible food too?"All of the boys looked at each other with a shrug, "I've only had Korean hospital food, so I'm not sure." Namjoon answered,“We can go out and get you something,” Jimin offered sitting down next to you in bed. You shook your head, “No, thank you. I already have the nurses talking about what a prince Suga is, so I think I’ll just wait for them to bring my food to me.”“Because I am a prince, dammit.” Yoongi grinned, You raised an eyebrow before laughing hard. Tae quickly announced he was going to find food for you and before you had a chance to stop him, he disappeared out of the room. Kookie and Jimin sat on the bed on either side of you asking you what happened, why it happened and all of the questions their brains could come up with. You answered them as much as you could, but your growling stomach kept you distracted.“Tae’s been gone a while…I’m going to find him. C’mon Jungkook, Jimin, Hoesok, and Yoongi. Let’s go find him.” Jin said slyly. You blinked trying to figure out why he was leaving Namjoon behind and why he needed the whole team, “He’s probably caught in the children’s ward.”Yoongi shook his head, “I’m fine right here. Tae will find his way back when he’s ready.”“Yeah, I wanna stay with Yoongi-hyung.” Kookie grinned. Jin raised an eyebrow looking at the both of them. Jimin laughed and grabbed Kookie’s arm following the eldest out of the room,“Can you bring some food back or someone to get me some food. I’m going to eat my foot!” You shouted as the four left the hospital room. You turned to Namjoon and Yoongi as you leaned back on the hospital bed. You twisted your mouth side to side wondering how you were going to do this. You wanted to speak to Yoongi alone to thank him for taking you to the hospital, but you knew that was a bad decision. And a rude one. Namjoon may not have taken you to the hospital, but he spent most of today with you and made sure you weren't alone. You looked over to Yoongi and wrinkled your nose playfully, to say I’m feeling better. He replied back with both of his eyebrows up eyes large smile big and gummy to answer that he was glad. That’s how you knew no matter what happened Yoongi would be there for you. And he was there for you on what could’ve been the worst moment of your life – or the last. Your face faded remembering about the infection. You touched your chest,“Are you okay?” Namjoon asked starting to push himself up from his seat, “I can go get the doctor if you’re not feeling alright.”"No." You smiled, "I just thought if I passed out anywhere else how much worse shape I could've been in. I am lucky to have you both." Namjoon blushed hard and lifted his hand to cover his smile while Yoongi looked away a small smirk on his lips. You giggled and lied back in the bed putting your arms behind your head. As usual, you heard the missing four before you saw them. The first to round the corner was Jimin with Kookie following him, then Hoseok. Jin had a tray food in his hands, but Tae had a friend clutching onto his side. The little girl had a blunt bob with eyes that were half the size of her head. She kept looking at Tae as if he was a magical creature that might disappear if she closed her eyes. He squatted down and whispered in her ear while pointing in your direction. The little girl gave a short, serious nod before marching over to you,“Hello. My name is Chihyon. V said that he was visiting his little sister in the hospital. Well…" She turned around and gave Tae a thumbs up. Tae grinned and gave her back two, "Today is my last day, and this dolly of V helped me get better, and I think it could help you too." Chihyon giggled thrusting a homemade plushy of V into your lap.“What?” You whispered, “I couldn’t possibly. My oppa V is enough V for me. You keep it. But you saying hello has made me feel so much better." “V said that you are gonna be an idol just like him, is that true?” She gushed crawling up beside you. You looked up at the room full of boys before looking at Yoongi. His arms were crossed over his chest with a larger smirk on his face that could only mean ‘Well, are you?’“Yes. I hope so at least.” You said truthfully before turning back to the little girl, “As long as I have my oppas and you, Chihyon, then I’m going to do my best.” Chihyon clapped her hands together and wrapped her small arms around your waist squeezing you,“Good! Okay.” She smiled sliding off the bed then walking back to Tae plushie in tow, “Can you take me back to my mommy and daddy now? Oh!” She turned around and bowed deeply to the room, “Thank you for everything you do! Keep fighting!” The young men of Bangtan repeated fighting as the little girl was escorted out of the room by Tae. You looked down at your hands feeling a joy you had never felt before. You tucked bottom lip into our mouth as the first tear fell down your face,“Is that why you guys do it?” You whispered. Another tear fell down, “Because holy shit that felt good.”“Language, Y/N-ah.” Jin murmured with a smile setting the food down in your lap. You sniffled and cleaned your tears with the collar of your shirt, “Yeah.” Yoongi grinned, “That’s why we do it.” Hoseok nodded in agreement, while Namjoon sat there grinning. You gave him a short nod feeling the next hysterical decision come to your head. Why couldn't you be like Yoongi and Namjoon? Why couldn't you be a producer and an idol? If Yoongi full of anxiety could do it – you full of your baggage of bullshit could do it too. If you could start to conquer your stage fright, then you could do anything.“Do you want me to feed you?” Jin offered sitting next to you. You frowned hard and grabbed the chopsticks shaking your head,“I’m not a child.” Jin patted your head and took the chopsticks from your hands, picking up some food putting it near your mouth. You groaned opening your mouth. You didn’t feel like fighting it and plus it might’ve felt good to be babied. In-between bites you threatened to kill Kookie eight times, and Jimin three times as they joked and threatened to take pictures. Those two would be the death of you. Then there was Hoseok who kept asking the room if anyone else would like to feed you looking over to his leader every time. You mumbled in English that you were gonna feed your foot up his ass if he didn’t quit. Namjoon and Yoongi both seemed to like that. Then suddenly, like most of your time with Bangtan, time slipped by without your knowledge. You looked at your phone to see it was almost 8pm. You looked up to see Namjoon looking slightly forlorn, and you knew that their goodbye was coming soon. You pulled up your messages and texted Yoongi quickly.|Y/N: Will you stay after for a few minutes?His phone went off, and he checked it quickly typing back,|Yoon: Yes. Relief washed over you. Namjoon stood up and looked around at the rest of the boys,“I think it’s time we go guys?”“Yeah. I still need to pack…I hate packing.” Tae grumbled, “I’ll try to stop by tomorrow before our flight.”“Yeah, but if we don’t let us know when you get out okay?” Hoesok said stretching upwards. You nodded. Each one of the boys came up to you and gave you some type of goodbye. Kookie poked your nose while telling you to hurry up and get better so he could kick your ass at Mario Kart. Jimin squeezed your shoulders before jogging up to be beside Kookie. Tae wrapped his arms around you and hugged you like you might vanish. He leaned back a bit and grinned, you patted his cheek. Hoseok squeezed your hand before wrapping his arm around Tae’s shoulders. Jin walked up to you and put his hands on his hips looking at you sternly,“Next time you aren’t feeling well you need to tell oppa so I can make you some soup.”"Yes, sir." You snickered."And don't press yourself too hard. If you are tired tell Yoongi you can't teach him. BigHit can hire him a tutor. You have a job to do too, and it's not just to teach him English." “Yes, oppa. I’m sorry.” You apologized. Jin patted your head once again,“Get better soon. Okay?” While you nodded in agreement, you pushed out the thoughts of your tests. No news was good news. Namjoon walked up to you and looked unsure. “Can I hug you?” He blurted reminding you a little of a little boy.“Uh. Sure?” You replied trying not to laugh. He wrapped his arms around your body and squeeze you gently. He was warm and gentle. Namjoon leaned back signaling the hug was over before exhaling deeply.“See you soon.” You repeated it to him before turning to Yoongi. He stood still looking at you with a blank face.“Yoon?” Namjoon called out. Yoongi looked at him for a split second before back to you,“Go ahead without me. I’ll get another van.” Namjoon looked distraught for a moment before looking towards you with hurt in his eyes. Almost begging you to tell Yoongi to leave with him. Your heart tightened as you said nothing. His face fell more. You started to change your mind, but Namjoon left the room. The feelings you were trying to spare him happened anyway. You felt horrible. “Bunny, what did you want to talk about?” Yoongi asked pulling you from your thoughts. You patted the space next you on the bed.“I wanted to say thank you.” You didn’t know where you were going with this, “I was really scared when I passed out in the studio but having you nearby actually – ” Yoongi wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into his chest quickly,“Shut up.” Your heart thumped against your chest as you laid against him listening to his steady heartbeat, “If you aren't feeling well…if you need anything, you have to tell me. I can't help you if you don't let me."“It’s not your job.” You muttered, “It’s not your obligation to help me.”“I wonder why I let an idiot teach me English all the time. I know it’s not my job or obligation, but I want to do it. So, let me.”“Okay.” You both sat there on the hospital bed, his arms wrapped around you. In the moments like this, you find peace and perfection are one in the same. It was warm and safe in his arms. You started to hum to keep yourself awake not wanting to fall asleep in his arms deliberately. Yoongi's chuckle tickled your ears, “Are you humming my song, Bunny?”You paused to figure out what you were humming. You rolled your eyes, “I didn’t realize I was. It’s one of my favorite songs.”"If you sing the chorus I'll rap along," Yoongi suggested. A dream. One of those middle of the night dreams. The kind that you filed away under never is gonna happen. You've always wanted to sing that song while he rapped, but you imagined it in a more glamorous circumstance. Not you in a hospital outfit and him about to leave town.“Nope.” You laughed moving out of his hug, “I’m not singing So Far Away in front of you. Ever. No. You are out of your mind.”“I like your voice. I’d like to hear it more.”A grimace covered your face, "Okay – on one condition. You cannot say if it was good or not afterward."“That changed your mind fast.” He laughed then got quiet, “Deal.” The universe or whoever whatever was in charge liked to give you small blessings every now and again. You took a deep breath and started his song. Your eyes were tightly shut as you rocked back and forth to the beat that was forever in your mind. Then he jumped in, and you about died. Agust D, Suga, Yoongi whoever sat next to you set your soul on fire. Every word, every inflection was perfect. It was better than your dreams could ever imagine. You opened your eyes singing your part once more refusing to look over at him. And although your voice was different than Suran’s, it still fit with his voice and rapping. Yoongi moved his body and hands as if he was performing it for real and wasn't merely sitting in a hospital bed with you. You stood up singing it a bit stronger looking at him for a split second his grin making you feel proud. While he rapped, you sang the adlibs behind him, and he stood up matching your intensity. The two of you were vibing and performing as the world didn't exist. As you drew near the end of the song you kept giving it your all, he was bouncing his head up and down moving his arm in time. When he said the last ‘dream,' you stood there with him breathing hard pride, joy, excitement all of these feelings bubbling inside of you. When Yoongi smiled at you and gave a satisfied nod, you threw yourself into his arms feeling the burning of tears starting. Wetness stained his chest as you cried tears of joy. You didn’t know how to articulate how happy that just made you or how your life had now been made. He wrapped his arms around you and held you close.“See, I knew I could make you cry happy tears.” He chuckled. You hit his arm and looked up,“Now is not the time to be smug!” At that moment staring into Yoongi's starry eyes his arms around your waist, you found it impossible to breathe. It didn't matter if you had an infection in your heart or not, because it stopped. You felt dizzy and woozy but in a good way. In a way that made you want to feel like that forever. “By the way…” Yoongi whispered leaning in closer, “I thought you singing Suran’s part was amazing.” Heat surged throughout your body as you couldn't move. You didn't want to run. Everything was right exactly where you stood. A cough from the door caused you to push him back so hard he sat on the bed. You covered your mouth staring at Dr. Choi as your heart tried to escape your chest. He smirked and walked inside of the room, “Please don’t stop on my account, Suga and Y/N.”You and Yoongi bowed at the same time, "We were finished. You look like you have some good news for me.""I do. Your tests all came back clear. That shutter in your chest was potentially a manifestation of anxiety. Tomorrow you are free to go. I'm going to have the nurse give you some information and make sure to check in with your primary care doctor. And if you don't have one, a therapist would be good too." “I’m so relieved!” You grinned throwing your hands in the air. Dr. Choi smiled with you then turned his attention to Yoongi."Suga…" Yoongi gave a half smile to show he was listening, "My son is a huge fan of your group. I know this is highly unprofessional, but I’d be a horrible father if I didn’t get a video of you saying hello. If you don’t mind of course,” Yoongi smiled tightly, and you could feel he wanted to say no. You gave him a knowing look, and he sighed walking over to the doctor asking for his camera. Yoongi made a quick video saying hello and telling his son to be good and keep fighting. Dr. Choi was beyond pleased and bowed quickly before walking out of the door. The magic for the night was gone. You knew it, and Yoongi knew it. You walked back to your bed yawning, one more good night of rest and you'd be perfect. “I can stay the night, so you won’t be alone.” He suggested walking over to you."Have you packed?" You questioned crawling under the covers. He rolled his eyes, and you shrugged, "There's your answer, Yoon."“Okay – but if you get lonely…”“I’m not going to get lonely. I sleep by myself every night when I’m not in a hospital.” He nodded, “Have a fun trip back to my town.”"120394," Yoongi said slowly. You raised an eyebrow rubbing your eyes, "It's the code to my studio. If you need to rest in between classes while I'm gone. 120394." He was going to be the death of you. His code! He gave you the code to his studio. You felt beyond proud and excited and honored. You thanked him quietly trying to suppress everything that was happening to you. To think you were unique enough to have the code to his studio. He smiled wide giving you one of his famous gummy smiles before tucking a piece of your hair behind your ear. You returned the smile closing your eyes,“Don’t you know about touching my hair? Lesser men have died. I will accept your apologize as a gift from LA.” Yoongi snorted before playfully flicking your hand. As he walked out of the room, you opened your eyes staring at the ceiling feeling so happy to be alive. Feeling stronger than ever. But you had a serious decision to make – but it could wait until a later time. You hoped. Three days after you were released from the hospital, you sat in your bedroom as fear ran through your body. You forgot to call your momma to tell her what happened. While you thought someone from BigHit would call and give her the information, you knew that wasn't possible because if you were in the hospital, your momma was coming to see you, hell or high water. You picked up the phone and called her. Her phone went straight to voicemail. You groaned loudly and Facetimed Marina trying to figure out where your momma was and why she wasn’t picking up the call. Marina picked up in half a ring. Her blue eyes were narrowed on you as she looked at you with disgust.“Hello to you too.” You snickered, “What’s with the face.” “Oh, you know what the hell is with the face.” She seethed. You stretched up and shrugged at her, “I really don’t. Where’s mo –” Marina screamed with rage cutting you off.“BANGTAN IS HERE! AND I DON’T HAVE FUCKING TICKETS TO ANY OF THEIR TAPINGS! AND YOU ARE FRIENDS WITH THE LEADER. YOU ARE A TRASH SISTER.” You held the phone away from your face looking at her with surprise. Shit! You should've known that this was coming. You didn't even think about it when Namjoon told you they were going to LA. Ugh. Fuck. You'd never hear the end of this primarily because she knew about you and Namjoon's friendship. You racked your brain trying to figure out the perfect answer, “I wasn’t thinking about that, Marina. I was in the hospital! I was calling to tell you I was in the hospital for a few days.” “We know about the hospital! Momma said some boy called her to let her know.”“Which boy?” You frowned leaning against the wall putting your elbow on your knees to help you prop up the camera.“I dunno – momma, what boy called you?”"It was with your phone, Y/N," Your mom started off-camera, "I think his name was…Yoo…Yo…”“YOONGI?!” Marina and you both screamed,"Yes. That's the one. Sweet boy. He told me that you went to the hospital and if something were serious he'd call again."“DOES NOBODY – ”“Stop fucking screaming Marina!!!” You howled your heart racing. You stood up quickly suddenly jittery at the realization that Yoongi had called your momma. You started pacing back and forth in your dorm room. How in the fuck did he get in your phone?! Did he look through your stuff? Jesus Christ!Marina pouted and growled, “Fine. But does nobody see the implication! You are friends with my bias! You are friends with MY Min Yoongi.”“He’s not yours.” “Clearly because he’s yours.”“My GOD!” You groaned, “This is why I didn’t even wanna tell you that I was starting to befriend them.”"Well, it doesn't matter. Momma, me, and Kevin are coming there in a few weeks, and you are going to introduce me."“Wait! What...WHAT?!” Marina grinned brightly and stuck her tongue out before hanging the phone up on you. You stood in your dorm room in shock. You wished you were back in the hospital. And you still didn’t get to talk to your momma!
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The phrase ‘Mandatory Meeting’ always gave you a bit of a stomach ache. If it was mandatory for you to be there that meant something terrible happened. In high school, you were called into a mandatory meeting when you cussed your teacher out in Korean. Momma wasn’t too happy about that but it still gave you a good laugh when the memory would appear. You had no idea what this mandatory meeting was about, but you had a good feeling it was about your little nap in the hospital. When you walked into the conference room, you didn’t expect to see Bang PD-nim there. Dodo? Yes, he was your manager after all…but Bang PD-nim? Your stomach ache got worse. You felt yourself wanting to hide inside of your clothes as they gave you kind, sympathetic smiles. You sat down trying to make your body language as open as possible when all you wanted to do was cross every single limb of your body like a pretzel.“Thank you for coming, Y/N.” Bang PD-nim smiled. You swallowed feeling confusion and panic starting to rise to your surface.“No problem…uh…” You looked at the door behind you, praying one of your teammates would come in soon. They had to be coming in soon. The conference room was too large for three people,“When Jay said that you came to dance today, it was a little shocking. You just left the hospital four days ago.” He said while pushing his glasses up. Dodo nodded turning to give the head of all of BigHit his undivided attention, “I thought that Dodo asked you to take the week off and come back next week.”You raised an eyebrow, “Am I in trouble for wanting to be with my team and want to get back to training?”“No! No! I mean, what he’s trying to say is –” Dodo yammered,“I can speak for myself Dodo.” Bang PD-nim sighed hard, “The last time I called you in we had this talk. You have to take care of yourself, Y/N. If you had made sure you were healthy in the first place you would not have ended in the hospital. Then you wouldn’t have to miss a week worth of practice and classes. You are the leader. You need to lead them with setting an example, setting standards.”“But the show must go on.” You blurted, “I’m sorry to be disrespectful Bang PD-nim, I really am, but I’m feeling better and will be attending my lessons and the recording session later this week.” Dodo looked like his eyes were going to fall out his head. Bang PD-nim looked at you with a new light in his eyes. He chuckled and nodded, "Okay, Y/N." You grinned feeling a weight lift off your shoulders, "Another thing – I'm not sure what your relationship is with the members of Bangtan.” And as fast as the weight was gone a large knot appeared in your stomach, "I understand why you were at a recording session of RM’s and Suga’s which is how Suga took you to the hospital. But I’m very concerned why all of the members of Bangtan visited you in the hospital. The pictures Dispatch took are an easy fix but let this be an official warning to you – stay away from Bangtan.” Your eyes became wide as your throat tightened. Dodo looked as horrified as you felt. You opened your mouth to explain yourself, to protect them…to do something but Bang PD-nim closed his eyes and put his hand up to stop you,“I don’t know who’s bothering who in the situation. But they are not your friends. They are your co-workers and your superiors. Bangtan has a lot on their plate, and I cannot have them distracted by a trainee. You have a lot on your plate, and I cannot have you distracted by them, especially when you are so prone to not taking care of yourself." “But they are my friends!” You cried, “They help me be a better idol…for you, for BigHit.”“Stop!” Bang PD-nim barked, “You are a distraction for them. Right now, they don’t need any more distractions. This may be cruel, but when you debut, Y/N, you will understand what I’m saying. Now please listen to me seriously. If I find out that you are bothering Bangtan, I will have to let you go from the program.” Never in your life had you felt so small. The knot in your stomach tightened. You gave a small nod looking down at the table,“Yes, sir.” You whispered taking a deep breath trying to hold yourself from screaming or crying. Bang PD-nim clapped his hands and stood up,“We had to reschedule the recording session until they come back. Would you still like to attend?”“Yes, sir.”“Okay.” He said walking past you and giving your shoulder a squeeze. You never wanted to jerk away from someone so badly. Stay away from Bangtan. Stay away from Bangtan?! Your heart hurt at the thought. Were things going to be like at the beginning? That was your family. No more hangouts with Tae. No more hearing Kookie complain about what you call him. No more wisdom from Jin. No more Jimin and Hosoek. No more them. No more lessons. No more walks home.“Y/N-ah…” Dodo began. Your eyes snapped up at him angrily, “Please understand where Bang PD-nim is coming from. While those pictures and the press around them are harmless – they could’ve been worse.”“I haven’t even seen the pictures or the press around it.” You muttered trying to keep the cracks in your voice even. Dodo sighed rubbing his chubby face, scrolling through his phone. He tapped on it quickly before sliding it over to you. You glanced at it looking at pictures of Yoongi holding you his face tight while rushing into the hospital. You looked so tiny and frail in his arms. You leaned forward looking at more images. Yoongi talking to the doctor trying to keep his face hidden, Yoongi on the phone. Yoongi’s hand on your cheek as some of the nurses moved you to a hospital bed. Even if it was taken from the other side of the room, it was clear that you were someone that he cared for deeply. Then you clicked the photo of Yoongi standing next to you on the bed, his arms crossed looking at the back of a doctors head, probably Dr. Choi. It was attached to a Twitter account:‘I saw SUGA at the hospital! He was carrying some foreign girl, he’s so sweet. She probably passed out meeting him. I would’ve too!!’ ‘Eh – that looks like that girl that some ARMY said that they saw with RM.’ ‘Yeah! That’s her.’ ‘She said she was an assistant, but I can’t find her existence anywhere.’ ‘Why would he be taking Namjoon’s assistant to the hospital?’You pushed the phone back to Dodo finally understanding why Bang PD-nim wanted you to stay away from them. You were a burden. If you had taken care of yourself, Yoongi wouldn’t have had to take you to the hospital. Then there wouldn’t be pictures or speculations of what Yoongi was doing…or who he was there with. You bit the back of your tongue to keep the angry laughter inside. Why didn’t you see it before now? Because you were so wrapped up in their warmth, in their kind words, in that glow of Bangtan that you didn’t see it. You never see it. A burden.“Yeah…” You felt yourself retreating into that dark place you tried so hard not to be in any longer. You put a fake smile on your face, “But don’t worry. I’m going to be focusing on the group even more.”“Good. Because they should be here in a few minutes.” He smiled relieved at your reaction. “I was wondering why we got the big conference room.” You teased. Your voice came out the way it was supposed to but, it still didn’t sound like you. You sat there with your arms crossed over your chest trying to keep yourself tethered to something. You should’ve seen it coming. It wasn’t the first time that someone thought you were a burden…you just wished you were told sooner. They always wait to tell you – wait until you feel safe, wait until you feel loved, wait until you feel like you matter. But that’s the hilarious joke of it all. Deep down you know that you don’t. You never have. Burden. A weight. A stress. That's what you are. Bang PD-nim did the right thing. Bangtan needs to focus on their careers, focus on their lives…you weren't their friend. How silly of you to think that you could be friends with them. They probably all were laughing at the stupid American girl and how annoying she was. “Y/N!” Heeae’s voice and hand waving in front of your face stopped you from drowning at that moment. You looked around at confused, worried faces from your team. You didn’t even hear them get in.“Do you need to go back to the hospital?” Jiho questioned. You shook your head and sat up,“Sorry, no I was just thinking.”“Okay…well…like Dodo was saying, group names? Do we have any?” Miyung announced. The team tossed names back and forth, but your mouth never opened once. Dodo suggested something that reminded you too much of Red Velvet. Jiho gave an aggressive thumbs down. Then Yeonjoo said Diamond Bliss and the room went silent. Heeae patted her back apologetically, and they kept going spitting terrible name after terrible name. You sat with your arms crossed desperately wanting to go back to your dorm and disappear under your covers. When would this group think you were a burden? Would it be soon? Would it be after your debut? “How about this, ladies. Let’s come up with stage names and work backward." Dodo suggested scratching his chin.“I like that!” Miyung started, “Y/N, why don’t you start with your stage name. I really liked it.” You stared at her trying to figure out why she was so kind in that moment. It wasn't like her.“Prism.” You stated.“Oh! I like that!” Jiho grinned.Yeonjoo’s nose wrinkled slightly as she pushed up her glasses, "Please don't think I'm rude, but Prism seems a bit more like group name.”“I’d have to agree.” Heeae chimed. You shrugged,“Then take it for the group name.”“What?!” Miyung gasped, “No! You…you’ve always wanted that for a stage name.” You raised your eyebrow at her. What was she doing? Did she think you two were friends after one decent lunch together? What game was she playing?"If it makes the group happy to be called Prism, then we will be called Prism." You sighed, merely wanting to go back to your dorm. “Wait? So, our group name is Prism! I like it! It's sexy, it's strong, it's sleek!" Jiho grinned. Dodo looked at you unsure, and you gave him a short nod."Alright. Group A shall now be known as Prism. Any thoughts on stage names?" He asked,“Mimi.” Miyung chimed before looking at you with unease again. You stared back blankly.“J-Hope totally stole the name I wanted,” Jiho smirked, “But I like Jay.”“Yeonjoo works for me!” She beamed.“I’ll be boring too, Heeae.” Heeae giggled nudging Yeonjoo with her shoulder. The group turned to look at you, and you shrugged, “My name is fine too then.” You didn’t care.“No! Rappers have to have a bomb stage name. You have to have a bomb stage name. If we are going to be following in the footsteps of RM, SUGA, CL…then we have to have a great name.” Jiho cringed, “Don’t worry, we’ll figure something out.”“Hmm…Prism, why did you want to be called that in the first place?” Yeonjoo asked,“Because I wanted to take something and make it better. Like when a prism takes in light and makes rainbows. I also wanted to create clarity for our fans…because I love them.” You replied slowly uncurling your arms from your chest,“Love…that’s why you are doing this. Love.” Dodo smiled. Your breath caught in your chest thinking back to the hospital. Asking Bangtan if that’s why they did it. Love. You bit the inside of your cheek trying to push away any thoughts of them from your mind.“Yeah…I want to be their love. When they are scared and feel like they can’t go any more maybe our music can help them go a little longer.” You sighed looking at the group. “Got it!” Jiho yelled jumping up,“If you call me Americano again, I swear I’m going to quit.” You snapped making the room laugh.“No no!” Jiho gigged, “What about, Your Love. Y.L.” Prism sat around you and nodded chattering quickly about how much they loved the name for you. They came up with puns and jokes you could use when you introduced yourself. Without making the decision yourself, your stage name became Y.L. But you didn't care. Surrounded by a team of girls that had your back you never felt emptier and lonelier. Back to square one. Back to the beginning. As soon as the meeting was over, you hopped up and walked out ignoring their calls out to you. You threw up your hood and walked quickly to your dorm. Then the realization hit that your family was coming in a few days and Marina was expecting to meet them. You were a trash sister. She was going to be so disappointed, but she had to understand why. You understood why. It would be better to call her now, so she’s not let down when she gets here. When you entered your dorm, you picked up your phone dialing while walking past Yoonsook who sat at the kitchen table. You could feel her smiling brightly at you. The first thing she did when you came back was scold you, then she made sure the dorm was packed with soup, medicine, and anything else she could think of. She mentioned that she felt a bit like it was her fault when she didn’t pay enough attention to you. Now she was on a 24/7 watch.The call went straight to voicemail. You groaned and texted Marina quickly to call you, it was important.“How are you feeling today?” Broken. “Good.” You answered."Good!" She beamed back. You stared at Yoonsook wondering why she tried so hard with you. She'd always be there smiling at you, caring for you when you don't deserve it. You didn't earn it. You were a burden for her too. Always a fucking burden. “Yoonsook…,” You started firmly placed but looked away from her, “Don’t let me hold you back or hold you down okay? Stop caring about me. I don’t need you to look after me or my feelings.”“What? There you go being moody again," She teased. Your eyes snapped to her and shook you're your head trying to stop all of the evil thoughts and feelings from spilling all over the floor."I'm not moody. I'm honest. Stop caring about me!" Your voice rose to the shout as you ended your statements. You were shaking, tears running down your face. Yoonsook's eyes were large. There you go worrying people again. Yoonsook. Your momma. Yoongi. Namjoon. Everyone. Burden. Always a burden. “Y/N?”“Leave me alone.” You snapped marching off to your room and slamming the door. While you sat on the bed, you tried to take deep breaths to keep yourself calm. You wrapped your arms around your body hoping that they could hold you together until your momma got here. You had to keep it together until you saw her. You closed your eyes laying back in the bed trying to keep that one terrible thought from bursting out. If those memories, those thoughts came flooding through then no amount of music or family love would put you together again. Your eyes snapped open in the middle of the night. Suddenly, you knew what you needed to do. You hopped out of bed going into your closet and grabbing Yoongi's hoodie and Namjoon's shirt. It was time to return them to their rightful owners. They didn't belong to you in the first place. To lessen the burden. You threw something quickly shoving your phone in your back pocket before tiptoeing out of the dorm. This was the right thing to do. Why didn’t you realize this earlier? You made it to the studios sliding the key card in and punching in Yoongi's code. You thought that you'd be able to use access to his studio more but having it probably did make it harder for Yoongi. You set his hoodie on the couch and Namjoon's shirt next to it. You turned around looking for a notebook of some sort to jot something down quickly. On the small desk next to the console there was a notebook, probably where Yoongi jotted down his notes on songs and thoughts. You opened it up quickly flipping through to find a blank page. Ripping one out you grabbed a pen and scribbled down, ‘Wanted to give this back. Sorry, I took them from you. Good Luck with your Comeback! Fighting!' You set the note down in between the stolen items, including the key card Tae gave you and took a step back. You wanted to soak in your last moments in the ‘Genius Lab.' You let your hand rub against your chair, against the leather armrest of the console. You looked over his knickknacks and bobbles. Then you turned around to look at his wall of pictures. A large grin covered your face seeing the members that you've grown to care for so deeply, then you paused. Right there next to the picture of the rap line was the picture Kookie took of you and Yoongi the night you stole Namjoon’s shirt. You are smiling with your arms crossed, him grinning back at you. You both looked genuinely happy. When did he put this up? You touched it gently before grabbing your phone and taking a picture of it. He’d probably take it down soon, so you wanted to keep the memory forever. You clenched your teeth together taking a shallow breath in as a tear dripped down your face. This was your last moment in here. Soak it all in. From fighting your way in to here to being given the code. You’ve come a long way. And now, this part of your idol journey was over. No more him. You covered your mouth trying to keep yourself together. He wasn’t dying. Neither were you but the pain you felt made it feel like you were. You cleaned your tears away angrily praying that these feelings would go away."Goodbye." You mumbled before exiting the Genius Lab. Every step felt a little heavier than the last, and you felt a little more ridiculous. Crying over people who you didn't want to be friends with in the first place. How insane are you? But it didn't stop the ache in your heart. But this was for them. For them to be amazing, you needed to be less in their life. It might hurt, but it was the right thing to do. This is why feelings were annoying and stupid. You snorted hating yourself a little bit more. Not even when you broke up with Jason did you feel this pain or do these kinds of waterworks. And that was your boyfriend. Of three years. You’re not even breaking up with Bangtan, and this was one of the worst feelings you’ve ever felt. You wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on your worst enemy. You kept cleaning your face with the collar of your shirt, the wet spot growing with each pass. When you stuck your key into your door, it flew open. Yoonsook stood there in her pajamas angry, her eyes narrowed on you. She grabbed your hand and pulled you in wrapping her arms around you.“You have to stop this, Y/N. You have to stop whatever it is that this is and tell me what is going on with you.” “Get off.” You sighed, trying to push her off as more tears fell down your face, “Please stop,” You cried into her chest, “Please.” “No! Not until you talk to me.”“I’m a burden, dammit!” You screamed pushing her back. And like that the dam opened. You cried into your hands sinking into a squat. You were babbling, talking about things you don’t talk about. Thinking about things you don’t think about."He'd always say that I was a burden. That I was the cause of all of the problems in the whole house. That I was the reason, he was so horrible to momma, that I was the reason he hit her. If only I were good. If only I didn't exist. I'm the reason he lost his job. Lost his money. Started drinking. His precious little burden.” You spat in the mist of all of your crying, “What?” Yoonsook whispered. You shook your head looking up at her your sight full of tears,“Him. HE!” You started to scream feeling the air ripping your throat, “My male parent.”“Your dad?” “He was no fucking dad to me, but to the American court system, he was! But I was still his burden he'd say. His fucking burden. I'm always a burden. I've burdened you. I've burdened Yoongi and Namjoon and Tae…I've burdened my team." “Stop it.”“Tell me it’s not true then!” You sobbed pointing at slowly standing up. You wanted to stop talking, stop crying but the words and the tears and the pain kept coming, “If I wasn’t here you wouldn’t be worried about me. Then you could worry about yourself more. Then you could be better for your group. If I wasn’t here Yoongi and Namjoon could focus more on their jobs and be the best idols they can be!”“That’s not true, Y/N!” Yoonsook screamed matching your volume. Her normally quiet voice that loud made you silent, “That’s not true at all. People worry about you because they care about you. I worry about you because I care about you. He was an awful man who did awful things, but he was a liar.” You sniffled then grimaced, "Well it doesn't matter, does it? He died. I'll always be his –" "Words have power!" Yoonsook snapped, "Stop saying you are a burden because you aren't one. And I'm sure if Suga-seonbae and RM-seonbae were here they'd agree with me. You know that Tae would agree with me. Where is the coming from?"“It doesn’t matter,” You sighed taking a deep breath, “Because I’m not going to burden them or you anymore.”“What does that mean? When you say stuff like that it worries me!”“It just means that I’m going to take care of myself better. And make sure that nobody has to worry about me from now on.”“Y/N!” Yoonsook cried as you walked away from her, “Y/N…please…let’s talk more. Please.”“I’m going to bed.” You mumbled closing you your door softly locking it. You slid down the door putting your head against it sighing. Yoonsook didn't get it. She never had to listen to her momma getting hit from the other room while she held her self. She never had to listen to this man who promised that he was going to be kind to her, good to her momma become the villain before her very eyes. He never hit you but being named the reason he hit her was almost as bad. You remember momma asking you for those three long years to tell her if he ever touched you or hurt you, and you could never bring yourself to say to her the horrible things he said. Because you watched her endure, so you felt like you had to as well. Because the one person on the planet you didn’t want to burden was the one that gave you everything. And you did. It was a burden on her for you to come here. To be so far away must be harder on you than it is her. For a while it was just you and her, regardless of the children she’d foster or that horrid man she married, it was always you and her. Momma. You weren’t gonna burden her anymore either. You weren’t going to be anyone’s burden. The first thing you did after you woke up was walk to the Trainee Secretary and set up a time to take your studio test. Jin was right. BigHit could get Yoongi an English tutor if he really wanted to learn. You weren’t doing a good job anyway. The secretary smiled at you gently and told you to wait five minutes. You sat down on the couch crossing your legs trying to remember everything that Yoongi taught you in the last few months and the things you already knew. You took a deep breath nodding your head,“Hey! You’re gonna take the studio test?!” You blinked hearing such a familiar tone. Supreme Boi stood in the lobby grinning, “Bang PD-nim was gonna do it, but he had a call and asked me to do it. I’m excited to spend a little alone time with you.” “I just want to take the test and pass.” You sighed pushing yourself up and walking past him,“Cold as ice. I like it.” He chuckled. Typically, you'd laugh. Make a joke back, but you just wanted to get this done and move on. You walked to the main studio, where you took the test last time. “Where you going?!" Supreme Boi snorted, “One of the trainee groups is in there. We gotta use Joonies.”“Whatever.” You murmured turning on your heel and following him. How ironic that the place you thought you were saying goodbye too was the place that you can’t seem to get away from. You followed Supreme Boi into Namjoon’s studio not bothering to look around the room. You weren’t going to spend a lot of time there anyway. “Wait. Before we get startedddd…” Supreme Boi grinned pulling up his phone, “We gotta facetime King Joon to show him who’s all up in his studio.”“I’d rather not.” “Girl, you are really gonna get my engine going with all that tsundere attitude.” You rolled your eyes sitting down in a chair as the Facetime noises started. Namjoon picked up quickly, and Supreme Boi bounced up and down,“King JOON!”“SUPREME!” Namjoon howled back, “Supreme! What’s up! Are you jealous I’m in sunny LA?”“I was. For a bit until a name came across my lap for the studio test. While you are in sunny LA nice and warm, I’m sitting in your studio with this hot American import.”“Did you call me a hot American import?” You scowled. Supreme Boi chuckled bit putting the camera to your face. Namjoon blinked and tilted his head to the side,“Y/N-ah? What are you doing?” Then he paused putting what Supreme said together, “Why are you taking the test?”“Because I want too,” You lied, your voice flat and dark. Namjoon raised an eyebrow confused. Even over the phone, there was an awkward tension. Supreme Boi took the phone away from you,“Like I said! While you are in sunny LA, I'm with this –"“Hit on me once more Supreme Boi, I'm going to make you a lot less supreme. Feel me?" You hissed. His eyes got large, and he laughed again while rubbing the back of his neck,“Yeah, Yeah. I feel you! Anyway, we just wanted to say hey. And that we hope LA is dope. Tell Yoongi-hyung and everyone else I say hey. You wanna say something to Yoongi-hyung, Y/N-ah?”"Take care of yourself and drink water, Suga-seonbae, and RM-seonbae." You said directly into the camera your face flat before looking away. You didn't want to see the hurt in Namjoon's eyes. You had seen enough of that for one lifetime.“You heard the pretty lady!” Supreme Boi smirked. You sighed and narrowed your eyes on him, ignoring Namjoon’s cries to wait as the phone hung up. He looked at you, waiting for you to laugh or something. When you stared back at him blankly, he swallowed asking if you were ready to start. You gave him a short nod and waited for him to ask you questions on the test. Unlike when you took the test with Yoongi this was way easier. Supreme Boi would ask a question and you'd answer it flawlessly. He gave you a problem, and you solved it. He'd tell you to patch something and it would be patched. You took the test with him for around thirty minutes, and after you were done, you weren't exhausted or sweating last time. You stood there confidently knowing that you passed. “Yo, I haven’t seen someone this good on console since Yoongi-hyung. And I think that his studio is the only thing he really truly loves.”“Okay.” You shrugged, “So. Pass…fail?” “Oh, you defiantly passed. I’ll let Bang PD-nim know, and he'll set you up with a studio authorization.” It should've felt good to pass. It should've felt like you crossed the finish line at a marathon. There should've been confetti and glitter and everything around you, but you felt empty. It felt wrong. And you knew why. You wanted to prove to Yoongi that you were good at the studio, that's why you asked him to teach you in the first place. And now…he'd never know. You bowed at Supreme Boi mumbling your thanks before leaving. Becoming less of a burden was supposed to make you feel good, but it was making you feel worse. Your phone vibrated, you picked it up without looking at the caller.“What’s up?” Marinas chipper voice came through the phone. It was hard to hear her with all of the noise going on the background. It sounded like she was outside in the middle of a Nascar race,“Uh. I just. I wanted to say…you may not be able to –”“What, Y/N? I can hardly hear you! We are about to board the flight to Seoul soon.”“I thought you guys were coming on Friday?”“We were! But then Momma talked her boss about wanting to get to you faster. He moved our flights up to today AND upgraded us to first class!” She squealed.“Oh, that’s great.” You answered. Marina would hear the hesitation in your voice, "Huh? Well, we will see you in 17 hours or so! Will you still be able to come to the airport?"“Of course! This place isn’t gonna keep me from ya’ll.”"Good. I love you." Marina beamed. Even thru the phone, you could hear her smile. You replied the phrase back to her before hanging up. You shoved your phone in your pocket back pocket, but before you have time to remove your hand, it started to ring once more. You rolled your eyes picking up,“If this is a butt dial, we’re gonna have a problem.” You teased. Hearing her voice even for that short moment lifted your spirit.“What is going on? What are you doing?” You froze in the hallway, looking around feeling like you broke some type of rule or curse. Yoongi called you. You swallowed before ducking into a practice room,“What?” You whispered sitting down at the piano,“Why did you take the studio test?” He said coolly making the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. Your eyebrows touched your edges in shock as dread set in, You swallowed, “What does it matter?” You tried to keep your tone even. “What do you mean what does it matter! I thought we had an agreement. I’d let you know when you were ready. You aren’t ready.” Yoongi groaned,“Apparently, I was. Because I passed.” Silence. Yoongi clicked his tongue in irritation before a heavy sigh came from his lips,“What is this really about, Bunny?”Your chest tightened as you started to lie to him, “You need your rest. So, do I. Being a trainee is hard. Being an idol is harder. I’m taking that time back. You are about to go full comeback mode, and I don't want to trouble you any more." You tried steady your heart to make yourself feel less jittery. This was for him. He just didn’t realize it. Yoongi was quiet once more. You could almost see his eyes large lips slightly parted. He was trying to figure you out, trying to figure how to help you. “You're worried about being trouble now? Now! Where was that worry a few months ago when you barged into my studio?” He hissed, “I don’t want to be your trouble anymore then!” You yelled, “I’m sorry I ever darkened your already dark doorstep, Suga-seonbae! I’m sorry –”“You don’t get to decide what I allow to trouble me!” He barked cutting you off, “You’re fucking dense, I swear! I’m not going to keep spelling this out for you – especially when I have rehearsal in five minutes. You are important to me.” You chewed on your bottom lip and felt tears starting to fall down your face. Fucking hell. You sniffled and shook your head ready to call him a liar. Prepared to fight him on that because you knew what you were,“But I can’t be important to you. I’m a burden.”“Who told you that?” He a paused as someone told him to hurry up, “Look, I’m sorry that I have to cut this short, but we aren’t done with this conversation. I’ll call you later.” There was nothing more to say to him. You kept your mouth closed as Yoongi grumbled and hung up. Even when trying not to burden him you still were. You put your head down on the piano sighing. You were doing the right thing. At least that's what you told yourself every time he called you and you sent it straight to voicemail.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Airports were the strangest place on earth to you. When you were younger, you thought its sole purpose was to house the big metal planes in the sky. When you got older, you realized that they were a lot less cool. All an airport was made to do was bring people together or take them apart. A family of three stood nearby with a big sign waiting for their grandma. They were grinning and had their cameras out ready to capture the moment. To your left was a businessman angrily talking on the phone about a deal that had fallen through. And there you were, the girl who should be the happiest on the planet to see your family again, but you couldn't bring yourself to match the joy of the family next to you nor the anger of the man on the other side. Emotional limbo. Just enough give a fuck to get up and shower but not enough to be happy about it. You wanted to lay in bed. You wanted to hide. You tried to pretend the last few days never happened, but all of the terrible thoughts and feelings were right before you begging to be dealt with and you couldn't. It was like there was a stone in your stomach that got heavier by the minute. At least your phone had stopped buzzing for the moment. After you ignored Yoongi’s calls and texts all night, you started to get them from Namjoon in the morning. As if Yoongi was so angry he told Namjoon to deal with it. To deal with you. If this were the other way, you'd be angry too. But mostly hurt. You were hurt right now. But if you had to find a silver lining, it would've been that Tae hadn't reached out. You don't know if he didn't know yet or if he was too disgusted to try, but it was for the best. You'd lose it immediately if his name came across your phone. Then there was Yoonsook to figure out. You hadn't said one word to her since your meltdown. You felt ashamed that you had spilled all of your darkest thoughts and secrets like that. She tried to engage you, try to make sure you were okay, but it made you feel worse. It made you feel like she was pitying you. You didn't want or need her pity, and the thought alone made the stone larger. You wanted her to give up, to stop caring. You just wanted everyone to stop caring. The only people you needed was your family. Even though Marina wasn't going to be happy about not seeing her idols she still loved and cared about you more than anything. You did not want to have that conversation with her at all. Dread was basically your new best friend, always nearby. Always clinging to you. You rubbed your eyes wishing that this all could be a terrible dream and that when you woke up, you never were friends with Bangtan, to begin with. You didn't want to be friend with them in the first place, so you are getting exactly what you wanted.“Um, excuse me.” A soft voice called out to you. Well, you assume it was you because it was in a delicate broken English. You turned to see a young woman with ombré hair and red glasses. You raised an eyebrow at her as she took a step closer, “I’m sorry to bother you –”“I can speak Korean.” You said dryly. Her almond eyes became large for a second before crossing her arms over her chest,
“Ah. Interesting. Are you that girl in the pictures with Suga?” Dread, that wonderful feeling, sunk deeper into your bones as you tried to figure out what to say to her. She looked friendly enough with her thin cracked lips slightly upturned. The young woman had a black duffle bag by her side with BTS’s logo stitched into it, it looked hand sewn.“Suga-seonbae took me to the hospital, yes…” You answered, glancing behind her as you heard your name being called. Your family was at the top of the escalator waving at you aggressively, well Marina and Kevin were. You beamed starting to walk around the woman.The smile left her face as she put her hand on your shoulder to hold you there, “Oh you are?” Her frigid voice sent chills down your body, “Stay. Away. From. Min. Yoongi.” She whispered while digging her nails into your shoulder. You snapped your head to look at her, your eyes big. She wasn't hurting you by any means, but it was uncomfortable. She turned to look at you her teeth bare, eyes bloodshot and started to poke you in the sternum forcing you to walk backward until you hit the window. Screaming about how you are bothering him, about how you weren't worthy to be touched by him, about how you're some foreigner bitch that needed to stay away. Everything was in slow motion. From the girl's mouth moving, spittle flying at you, to her hand cocking back to strike you. With your back against the glass and her inching closer to you by the second, you had nowhere to go. You closed your eyes and decided to take your well-deserved punishment. If you hadn't been so forceful with Yoongi from the beginning, then this wouldn't have happened to you. If you stayed away like you meant to. “Keep your hands off my daughter!” Momma’s voice was so loud the people around you all went silent. You opened your eyes slowly to see Momma holding the girl back by her wrist as she tried to wriggle away. Marina pulled you away and wrapped her arms around you protectively, while Kevin alerted your family that people were looking, and security was making their way over. The girl pulled herself from Momma’s grip running away but gave one last look over her shoulder at you. Her eyes narrowed and full of hate. It looked like if she could have, she would’ve killed you on the spot. Kevin suggested that the family get in a cab as soon as possible, just to avoid talking to security while walking out of the building. Momma agreed, but Marina kept looking around for the girl mumbling under her breath that if she were just a few seconds faster, she would've clocked that bitch. You appreciated it, but Marina didn't know why that girl was attacking you. It would've been easier just to let it happen. “What was that about?” Marina whispered to you while Momma tried to get a cab. You shook your head, you didn’t want to talk about it. Because if you talked about it, you'd have to tell her everything. Kevin turned around and walked over to try to jump into the conversation. You eyed Kevin up and down realizing that something was very different about him. He was much taller than when you left! You wrinkled your nose looking up at him, but really looking up at him.“Did you grow?” You gasped. Kevin beamed proudly putting his arms out in a dramatic fashion,“I had a growth spurt. I’m now six two.”“Holy shit!” When you left Kevin was a little taller than you, but now. He was a giant. You couldn’t believe what you were seeing. Had you really missed that much while you were gone? You looked at the side profile of your momma. Her hair was still that inky black, but with a few strands of silver starting to peak through. The only one that remained ageless was Marina.“I’m pretty sure he made a deal with the devil because he’s not supposed to be that tall.” Marina sighed, “But you ignored my question.”"I don't know what you're talking about." You mumbled as a cab slowed before Momma. She waved you all over. You helped Kevin move the luggage to the trunk before sliding in the back seat behind the driver putting your head on the window. The whole ride to the hotel Marina kept pestering you and bugging you about what happened. It didn’t help that she was sitting right next to you, shaking you, poking your cheek. Anything to get your attention. You grumbled that you weren’t in the mood and were tired from training. Kevin reached over Marina and grabbed your hand squeezing it. You gave him a soft smile which Marina cried out like the childish person she is that you loved Kevin more than you loved her. You agreed with a smirk before looking into the rearview mirror looking into Momma’s eyes. She was worried. Which was understandable. But it didn't make you feel any better. As soon as you got to the hotel, you'd explain everything. Your phone vibrated in your pocket, and your stomach churned. You pulled it out and turned it off without looking at the name. “Why’d you turn your phone off?” Marina questioned slowly,You looked over at her before sighing, “Everyone I talk to is here.” “Not true!” Marina giggled throwing her arm over your shoulder and pinching your cheek, “Kim Namjoon is not here. But he will be here soon, right…when does he land.”“I don’t know. I’m not his manager.” You grumbled trying to push her off. "But you're his friend!" She smiled playfully wrinkling her nose at you. You dug your thumbnail into your index finger trying not to jump out of the moving car because it would be easier than telling her that she wasn't going to see her idols. That one quick moment about Kim Namjoon spiraled into an extensive conversation about them in general and every time you heard their names you flinched. Marina was so far in her own little world talking about the outfits she bought explicitly to grab their attention to the questions she had perfected in Korean for them that she didn't notice that you hadn't said a word yet. Kevin kept glancing over to you, but you couldn't look at him. You wished that they never came and closed your eyes. When the cab slowed down, you sat up slowly looking around. It pulled into probably the most beautiful hotel you'd ever seen. Before you could question it, Kevin gave a quick explanation. Momma's boss, the one who bought the first class tickets here sooner than when they were supposed to come, also helped them upgrade to this hotel. Basically, he stated, Momma's boss was in love with her and paid for their vacation to Korea. Momma was not happy about that and snapped that he was a kind, caring person and that was the end of it. Kevin chuckled and hopped out grabbing the bags while Momma went inside to check in. You and Marina stood there staring at this building blinking as if it were a mirage. “Hey. Are you sure you’re okay? You just seem…off…but off like when you are in the middle of one of your depression cycles.” “Depression cycles?” You cringed, “What the hell is a depression cycle?”“Oh. That’s what Kevin and I call when you are distant, moody, etc. for more than a few hours. They usually last a few weeks." She shrugged. You rolled your eyes and gave Kevin a bit of side-eye as he was fumbling with all of the luggage headed to the hotel,“No. I’m tired. That’s all.” You replied walking forward into the hotel. Marina mumbled if you say so. If you knew how to whistle, you'd whistle at the sheer size and look of the lobby. Marble floors as far as you could see, golden wallpaper, crystal chandlers…it was a place that looked like if you breathed too hard, you might break something. You swallowed and walked next to Momma who was pinching her nose sputtering. The young man across from her kept assuring that that indeed was the room that was under her name and she groaned swiping the key cards off the table. Momma kept muttering to herself that this was too much all the way up to the room, which was on one of the higher floors. When she slid the key card in and opened the door, there was a collective wow that fell from everyone's lips. The hotel room was a suite and not just a suite…a super suite. There was a kitchen, more significant than your kitchen in your dorm. Then the living room was astounding with a TV that was above a fireplace. Each bedroom had its own private bathroom. You looked at Momma with big confused eyes."I'm with Kevin!" You exclaimed looking around the room. From the big windows to the jewel tones and gold accent colors this place was fucking fancy, "That dude loves you."“Not you too, BunBun.” Momma sighed, sitting on the couch delicately fixing her bangs.“Okay. Well…before Momma assigns us something to do, we’re….” Marina started gesturing between the three siblings, “gonna do a bit of exploring. Promise to come back soon and promise not to be married to some Korean CEO.”“Eh…” You sighed, collapsing next to Momma on the couch, “I think I’mma stay here.”“Speak for yourself! I want to marry some Korean CEO.” Kevin chuckled bounding out of the door. Marina cried for him to wait then the door slammed behind them. Momma looked over to you and smiled softly before grabbing your hand. You scooted closer to her and wrapped your arms around her placing your head on her shoulder.“I’ve missed you.” She said kissing your forehead, “I know. I’m sorry I don’t call enough.” “Aish, stop it. You are very busy chasing your dreams. I’m so proud of you. It can’t be easy being alone here, but you still are doing it.” Momma would never know it, but you needed to hear those words. You smiled gently feeling your nose start to tingle from tears. Those words meant the world to you. Everything was going to be okay now that Momma was here. She rubbed your head and scolded you gently for not taking care of your curls. You mumbled that you were out of product and she sighed mentioning that she could've brought you some. You laughed and pressed yourself closer to her wanting to soak in all of her warmth.“I take it you don’t want to talk about what happened at the airport.”“Not really.” You grimaced, before peeling yourself off of her and looking at your thighs. You picked at the frays in the holes of your jeans, “But I will if you want me too.”“What happened at the airport, Bunny? Why did that girl almost attack you and why did you nearly let her?” Dread filled you up once more. It was always nearby lurking, ready to set in your bones. It was becoming the only feeling that made sense anymore. You pressed your lips together rubbing your eyebrow trying to figure out how to say this without going too far back into the story, but there wasn’t really any way around it. You had to start at the beginning. So, you did. You explained how you and Yoongi became close because you taught him English and he taught you the studio. You described how Tae was your best friend. You informed her about your late-night walks with Namjoon. You told her everything that happened thus far including the Dispatch pictures and why that girl was horrible to you. You said every story about Bangtan that your mind could come up with. You talked for what seemed like hours.Momma's face went from blank to enraged, "People are mean to you? Oh, hell no! Why didn't you tell me this was going on sooner?"“Because this was the first time it happened. And it doesn’t matter…I can’t hang out with Bangtan anymore.” You grumbled grabbing the nearest pillow and putting it in your face trying to suffocate yourself, so you didn’t have to talk more. “What? Says who!” Momma growled as she snatched the would’ve been murder weapon. “The CEO of BigHit, Bang PD-nim.” “He can’t do that!” She yelled hopping up and started pacing. You hated when your Momma got like this, enraged because she thought her children were being victimized. Her amber skin flushed with frustration."He can. And he did. He said that if I'm caught with them again, he'll let me go from the program. So, it doesn't really matter now, does it? I've been ignoring them." “BunBun! You can’t ignore people that you care about and clearly care about you! You are going to crush them.”“What am I gonna do, Momma! Call them and say…hey! I can’t be friends with you anymore sorry?” You snapped. Why couldn’t she see that you were doing this for them, “I literally am a problem for them! Yoongi doesn’t get sleep because he’s teaching me. Namjoon is too worried about walking me home at night and doesn’t think about his own safety. Tae is probably the best friend I ever had and should be focused on honing his craft. I can’t burden them anymore.” Momma stopped pacing and narrowed her eyes at you. She closed the distance between the two of you and grabbed you pulling you in close,“You clearly are not a burden to them. Where are you getting that from, Bunny?“Nowhere.” You grumbled trying to push her off. You were done with the conversation, “But it’s true. We all know it’s true.”Momma took a deep breath in her eyes searching for yours as you turned away, "This isn't because of Timothy, right?"“Don’t say his name. We made a promise not to say his name.” You hissed, “And for the record. No. It’s not because of that man.” She looked unsure then gave a little nod then kisses your cheek,“Of course not. You promised me yourself that if he ever did anything or hurt you, you’d tell me, and you never did.” You bit the inside of your cheek and nodded trying to reassure yourself more than her, “You were so strong to come out here on your own to peruse your dreams, but I feel like you are taking the easy way out.”“What?” You blinked. Momma smiled and nodded her head, “From the way you talk about those boys you really do care about them. You’re not one to give up on people so easily. You remember when Kevin first arrived and wanted nothing to do with you? How patient you were with him and waited because you knew that he was going to love you like a big sister one day? Or how you took care of all of the children that I fostered, even the ones that were scared and lashed out. I think you got scared about how much you cared about them and took the first chance to run.”“That doesn’t make sense.” You said flatly, “I didn’t run from anyone. I was told to stay away.”“When has being told something ever stopped you?” Momma laughed standing up and pulling you with her. She sat on the spot you were on the couch and had you sit on the floor, “Sounds like you were scared of how you feel.”“And tell me exactly how I feel again?” Momma wasn’t making any sense to you at all. Her nimble fingers dipped into your French braids and started to take them apart,“I can’t. Only you can! But are you going to let one man dictate who you can and cannot be friends with? That’s fine if you are, I just didn’t know I raised that kind of young woman.” You grumbled and rubbed your eyes in frustration. Momma wasn't understanding. Bang PD-nim wasn’t the dragon that kept the boys in the tower. You were the peasant that kept relying on their kindness to survive, draining their energy and resources. You weren’t afraid of being friends with them. There had to be another way to explain to this Momma, so she could get where you were coming from.“It doesn’t matter does it. It is what it is now, and this gives me more time to focus on working hard so I can debut.”Momma’s hands stopped working, “Wait, you want to debut now? I thought the whole purpose was to become a producer.”“Why can’t I do both? If Yoo…” You trailed off about to say his name as an example, “If other people can be idols and producers why can’t I?”“If that’s what you really want, Bunny, then you’ll achieve it. It might be better if you had people who had been down this road before, but I know that you can do it.”“Like I said,” You started firmly, “I can’t see Bangtan anymore, so it doesn’t matter.” The hotel door flung open as Marina and Kevin bound inside, looking a lot more like twelve-year-old kids. Their faces were bright with joy as the went on and on about how many floors the hotel had. That there was a whole floor of candy and snacks that were free. Kevin dumped an armful of chips, candy, juice on the table begging Momma to marry her boss. Marina looked at you and Momma her head tilted to the side slightly,“What’s the matter? You only re-braid Y/N’s hair when something the matter.” “It’s not much. She’s going through a rough time.” Momma cooed. Marina nodded her head up and down pointing, “I knew it! I freakin knew it! Spill right now! Who do I need to fight? Is it that Yoonsook girl? I like her, but I’ll fight her if I have too. Ohhhhh is it those boys you won’t tell me about? I’ll fight them too.”"You aren't gonna fight anybody, Marina!" You groaned moving away from your momma, one half of your head in a French braid the other in a frizzy mess, "First of all, you'd go to jail!"“Don’t care. You’re my sister, I’d kill for you.”“Would you kill Bangtan for her?” Kevin joked plopping where you were sat. Momma rolled her eyes, tucking some of her hair behind her ear.“Depends.” Marina sighed, sitting next to you on the ground, “I need a scenario.”“What about if Bangtan and Bunny were really good friends and Bangtan’s boss told Bunny she couldn’t be friends with them anymore.” Momma grinned. You glared at Momma shaking your head mouthing at her to cut it off already.“Uh.” Marina sighed, “I’d probably just fight Bangtan’s boss then. Yeah.”"Can we not talk about fighting my eventual boss, please? Aren't you guys hungry? I'm starving." You announced starting to get up,“I’m actually kinda sick, I ate a lot of the freebees," Kevin smirked, holding his stomach,“Yeah, you’re right. I can’t hurt the boss of the people I’m gonna see soon. When are we gonna see them, by the way? I know they aren’t here right now, but like when they get back? Is it gonna be informal? Or are we going to dinner at their house? Oh! Do you think I’ll be able to see Yoongi’s studio! Oh my Gosh, is Kookie just as adorable and funny in real life as he in the videos? Have you seen his abs yet?”“Marina please stop.” You whispered, but she talked over you basically word vomiting questions about Bangtan. You closed your eyes shut taking deep breaths trying not to become frustrated with her. She didn't know. And you wanted one day before you crushed her. You bounced your leg up and down in irritation as she asked more questions about ships, about new music, about anything her brain could come up with. Then she asked about Tae. You're precious Tae that you abandoned. Enough! You had enough, "Marina it doesn't matter because I'm not allowed to see them anymore! I'm sorry, but you can't see Bangtan. You’ll never be able to meet Bangtan.” Marina’s face fell as her eyebrows furrowed. Of course, she was confused. Namjoon promised her that they could meet and now you’re the bad guy saying she couldn’t. She started to laugh and shake her head,“Stop joking, it's not funny.”“I’m not joking. I’m serious. During my hospital visit Bangtan visited me, Dispatch caught word, and then Bang PD-nim said I was a problem for them basically. So, if I can see them, you can't see them either."“Wait a minute! You’re serious!” Marina cried her big blue eyes starting to fill up with tears, “N..no…wait…that’s not fair to you. He ca…can’t…just.”“As I was telling momma, he can, and he did. It doesn't matter. This is for the best." You glanced over to Momma who was nodding with a proud smile on her face. Although this isn't how you wanted to do it, you did feel a little bit better for it being out in the world. “But…” She sniffled,
“But I can show you around BigHit. I can take you to studios. You can meet my group. You can do everything you planned to do but meet them. I’m sorry, Marina. If there could’ve been another way you know that I would’ve made it happen for you.”“And plus, we all know EXO is where it's at.” Kevin nodded.“I’m not having this conversation with you again,” Marina glared at Kevin before sighing, “Okay. Okay. So, you can’t be friends with Bangtan, so I can't meet them. Easy solution – you become friends with Bangtan again.”Your face fell as you shook your head, “No, no…you don’t get it! I could get let go if I’m caught with them again.”"Hmmm…" Marina started standing up, "That does put a damper in this plan but don't worry…me and Kevin will work it out. Don't you worry your pretty little head about it? Your big sister and your younger brother are on the case.""This is not what I want." You groan falling to the floor covering your eyes, "Momma can't you explain it better, so Marina gets it."“Of course! Bunny is afraid to be friends with Bangtan because she cares about them too much and she’s unsure of her feelings.” This was not going the way it was supposed too. You didn’t even reply to your momma because you didn’t have the energy. You groaned and pressed your hands hard into your eyes, "Guys. I'm not unsure of my feelings. I was told to stay away from friends I really care about or basically be fired. I decided that I wasn't going to let my hard work be in vain and started ignoring them."“YOU’RE IGNORING BANGTAN?! Trash. You are literal trash!” Marina howled, “Hold her Kevin.”“Aye Aye!" He cried before lunging and pressing you down into the floor. You screamed and tried to kick out of his hold, but along with getting taller, he had gotten so much stronger than you remembered. Marina's hand dove into your pocket grabbing your phone, and you screamed louder,“MOMMA! MOMMA MAKE THEM STOP RIGHT NOW!” You wailed,"Oh no…Kevin stop…Marina…don't…" Momma said flatly, with a gentle smile. She apparently was not going to interfere. Why was the whole world against you?! Marina with her spoils hopped up and ran to the bathroom closing and locking the door.“Get off me right now Kevin on you’re not gonna be able to have kids. I mean that seriously.” You seethed trying to push him off. “Fair.” He laughed getting off of you. You hopped up and ran to the bathroom banging on the door,“I changed the password!” You lied,“No, you didn’t. And…Jesus CHRIST Min Yoong!” Marina muffled laugh came through the door, “Don’t you worry little Bunny. Let big sister take care of you!”“What does Jesus Christ Min Yoongi mean? What are you doing?” You pressed your ear to door trying to see if she was calling anyone or texting anyone.“Hello?” She asked on the other side of the door,“MARINA! STOP THIS RIGHT NOW! THEY ARE VERY BUSY LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!” You screamed then turned around to look at your Momma for what to do. She sat there with her leg crossed flipping through the magazine like she didn’t have a care in the world. Marina talked to the person quickly and muffled. You could only hear a few words and couldn't piece together what she was saying. After a few minutes, she emerged from the bathroom handing you your phone with a grin. She started talking, but you opened it up trying to see what she did – who she called. It had to be Namjoon. You looked at outgoing calls, and nothing looked different, little minx must've deleted the log. You went to your texts, and you still had a ton of them to go through. “Did you try to trick me into calling them, Mar?” You sighed looking over at her. She wrinkled her nose and groaned,“Yeah! Dammit, I thought I was gonna get you. Next time though. And don’t worry – operation Bangtan Besties isn’t over yet.”“Yes, it is. For the love of God, yes it is!” You laughed while turning your phone off never wanting it back on again. You were so lucky to have a family that didn't care about what you did, as long as you were happy. Even though earlier you wished they didn't come you were so pleased that they were here now. Your family. Your home. You spent the night with them and even though there was plenty of rooms you and Marina slept in the same bed. You answered all of her questions about Bangtan to the best of your ability until you both fell right asleep. Throughout the week you spent your days training and your evenings with your family. Wednesday you took Marina and Kevin on a tour of BigHit and introduced them to your team. Jiho was ecstatic to meet them and was way better at speaking English than you thought she'd be. At lunch that same day they met Yoonsook. The awkward tension between the two of you high, but she didn't treat your family with any malice or irritation even if you deserved it. You mouthed to her that you'd talk to her about everything later. She gave a serious nod with a slightly upturned lip. You needed to treat Yoonsook better. If you couldn't have Bangtan, then you’d always have Yoonsook. Thursday turned into Friday, and you were so ecstatic to spend the full weekend with your family. Momma was on a walk with Kevin around the area. You were laying out on the sofa that was so much nicer than your bed that you wanted to steal it. "You know they're back right," Marina announced waking out of her room, in a pair of shorts and a tank top.“Guess who’s back, back again…Shady’s back, tell a friend?” You rapped in response. She rolled her eyes and pushed your legs off the sofa sitting in that spot. “No. Bangtan is back. They landed earlier today I think.”"OH?" Your voice went up six octaves in fear as you sat up looking at Marina's phone. She opened up twitter looking at all of the posts about staying away from them, how relieved they must be to be home. You swallowed and shrugged,"Cool, I guess."“I’ve been trying to get to your phone so I can invite them over, so you can actually talk to them about what’s going on, but you’ve kept a tight grip on it.” "Of course, I have! After that little joke, you pulled you think I'm going to leave my phone out of my sight ever?"Marina laughed and laid on top of you snuggling you close, “Damn, I should’ve done it that day.”“Thank GOD you didn’t! That would’ve been horrible!” You laughed playing with her wavy hair."Why do you always run away from things that you are afraid of?" Where did that question come from? Her round blue eyes looked at you full of curiosity before she sat up a bit and smiled gently, "I'm not trying to pry or anything, just an observation. I just want to make sure that you're not running away from something that's good for you. I know that's your coping mechanism when things get too tough, turn and run, but…sometimes you might be running from the important things."“Okay, psych major.” You rolled your eyes, praying that she couldn’t feel your heart racing.“I’m not a psych major. I’m just an observant person. And your sister. And I love you. And I want to make sure that you are making the right decision here. I think you might just have life stage fright.”“That’s not a thing. Anyway. I don’t want to talk about it. I want to have a good time with you all this weekend!” You grumbled pinching and pulling at her cheeks in a way that reminded you of Tae. Your heart hurt. Throughout the whole weekend, you kept thinking about what Marina said. Do you have life stage fright? And if so, what was that? Sure, running away from things that were too tough was something you did when you had no other options. When you exhausted every last bit of juice that you had in you. No. You were doing the right thing. You were a burden. You were a bother. Everybody knew it. But maybe…she was a little right? You tried your hardest not to be distant from them, but what she said was eating you alive. Not as bad as Bang PD-nim but she put a mirror up to you forcing you to look at every decision you'd made your whole life. Momma kept asking you what the matter was, and you had to keep lying to her. You hated lying to her. But you just put this with all of the other things you didn't tell your mother and kept going. Even if those things were starting to pile up. Before you knew it was Monday morning and the whole energy of BigHit was different because Bangtan was back in town. Everyone was buzzing with joy, you mostly wanted to vomit. You were going to run into them eventually, and you didn't know what was going to happen. It was like a bad horror film, you felt like one of them was going to pop out at any moment which made your chest tighten and your breathing uneven. You lacked focus in dance. You fucked up a song you could usually play in your sleep. Just because you though that Bangtan was around the corner. You had to keep avoiding them for a few more hours, and then you'd be safe back at the hotel with your family. And then avoid them tomorrow, then the next day, and the day after that until you debuted. And probably still after that. On Tuesday, you took your time gathering your things after piano wanting the hallway to clear before you tried to sneak around the building. As soon as the hallway, you waited for a few more seconds before walking out slowly. Your daily mantra started to play over and over. You were doing this for them. You were doing this for your future. This is what they needed. This is what you needed, but it felt wrong. You groaned and turned your face upward letting out a short yell. It didn’t feel as good as you were hoping. One day you were going to look back on these moments and realize that this was the cost that you had to pay. To be something bigger than what you were. To help more people than you could. And although you were suffering, a long time ago you learned that sometimes essential things hurt. You took a deep breath and started down the hallway to head to your dorm. You needed to pop in and out really quick to grab some more things. When you turned into the last hallway before the exit, you saw him. A black leather cap sat on his dark locks with black horn-rimmed glasses around his starry eyes. A large red flannel rested on his shoulders with a black shirt underneath and skinny blue jeans. Your breath caught in your chest as you locked eyes with him. Yoongi's steps faltered for a moment before he looked away and kept walking past you. You bit your tongue rough enough to draw blood, doing everything in your power to keep yourself from running. The iron taste and sharp pain felt tiny in comparison to the squeezing in your chest and the air that couldn’t reach your lungs. Cold. You wrapped your arms around yourself rubbing up and down. You were so cold. It was easy to hide from the others, easy to be away from them but Yoongi ignoring you might’ve been worse than any punishment you could get. But you deserved it didn’t you. You didn’t pick up his calls. You didn’t text him back. You gave him every indication that you didn’t care about him anymore. Even though you promised. Promised to be his friend forever. Water started to fill your vision as the burning started in your nose. You couldn’t cry here, you had cried enough. You walked faster trying to make it to the door where the fresh air would help. You looked down for a second to clean your tears with the sleeve of your shirt when you walked into something solid. You yelped and took a step back looking up, blinking tears out of your eyes. Then you saw another new nightmare, dressed in jeans, a gray shirt, and white bomber. Namjoon looked just as shocked as you felt his hands on your shoulders to keep you steady. “Y/N-ah?” He started then frowned, “Y/N-ah, what is going on? You haven’t –”"Leave me alone." You barked pushing his hands off of you. Another tear fell out of your eye without your permission. You started to walk around him when he sidestepped in your way,“Not until you talk to me.”You hissed, "I said leave me alone, RM-Seonbae." You spoke in English. His warm chocolate eyes got large. You turned around before you had to see the pain in his eyes, heading to the exit on the other side of the building. It was a long walk home, but you'd take it not to have to see him anymore. Deep breath in for four. Hold for seven. Out for eight. Your usual breathing technique wasn't helping you keep it together as tears dripped down your face. When would you stop crying?! Crying about the past. Crying about the present. Crying about the future. You wanted someone to rip your tear ducks out so you could be past all of this. Deep breath in for fou – All of the air you were holding sprang from your mouth as a scream when someone jerked you into a conference room. They wrapped one arm around your torso and placed a hand on your mouth. You screamed into the hand as you started to recognize the voice,“I’m sorry. Please stop screaming. I’m sorry. I do..don’t know what came over me. Please." Namjoon pleaded, "I just…I need to know what's wrong so I can help." You froze in his arms, your back pressed against his chest. Namjoon held you so tightly as if you were the only thing keeping him together. It was strange to be held that firmly. Light from the setting sun illuminated the conference room in a beautiful orange making the place still. You could feel his heart racing against you, your heart beating just as fast. The smartest idiot you knew. You took a deep breath in pushing his hand off gently,"I told you to leave me alone."Namjoon’s other arm wound around the front of your shoulders holding you still, “I don’t care.”"Let me go right now, RM-Seonbae." You growled taking a deep breath trying to move away from him,“Why are you calling me that! Did I do something wrong?” “What?” You breathed the stinging appearing in your eyes again, “Of course not. What would you do wrong? I’m the one who did something wrong.”“You could never do anything wrong.” Namjoon breathed putting his head against your shoulder, “So please, let me help you.” “You can’t.” Your voice cracked trying to pull away from his warmth once more, “I shouldn’t even be talking to you right now. If someone saw you pull me in here…I could get let go from the program.”“What?!” He released you like you burned him. You might as well have. You took a step forward your eyes still on the sunset not wanting to explain to him something that his direct boss should explain. It wasn’t your job.“I have to go.” You whispered turning around still refusing to look up at him. Namjoon didn’t move from the door his arms crossed,“I’m not moving until you talk to me.”“It’s none of your fucking business.” You barked at him looking up into his eyes, “Jesus Christ, don’t you have a team to fucking lead or something? Or music to make. Or anything?” Angry words were spilling out of your mouth faster than you could try to stop yourself. You didn’t want to hurt him, but you needed him to understand. Anything to get him to leave you alone, “Why the hell are you here trying to help me, trying to fix the problem. You. You’re the fucking problem Kim Namjoon.” You were lying watching his face start to fall as you inflicted a verbal assault, “You with your kindness, nice words, interesting places. Making me feel more special than I actually am. When we both know that I’m just the interesting black trainee.” You needed to stop before you said something that you’d regret, “I’m fascinating to you. I know it. The culture that you grew up loving has finally come to you.” Stop talking…, “Eventually you’d tire of me just like everybody else. Stop pretending that I’m special to you. Stop pretending to worry about me. You don’t have to anymore! Bang PD-nim has made it very clear where I stand with you all. I’m not your friend. I’m your subordinate. I’m a fucking problem.”“Stop.” He whispered his face forlorn.“I’m not done because I want to make sure you understand. Leave me alone. Don’t text me anymore. Don’t call me anymore. And make sure you tell Suga-seonbae this too. We aren’t friends. We never were friends. You are famous. I am not. It’s a problem if we are seen together. You are my seonbae. Even when I debut, I wouldn’t want to be friends with you.”"Stop!" Namjoon yelled, "Stop right now! I'm don't know why you're saying this. This is not my kitten."“I’ve NEVER been your kitten! You called me that stupid nickname. I hated it. I hated being friends with you. Hated every second,” the lies were pouring out your lips along with your tears, “I hated visiting my momma’s house with you in Illsan. I hated going to the art exhibit with you. I hate being around you. I hate you, Kim Namjoon. I hate you. Because you are a burden to me.” As soon as the phrase dripped from your lips, you covered your mouth. The wet sound of sniffles was the only noise to cut through the silence. You sounded just like that horrible man. As if you resurrected him from the grave. You covered your face with your hands knowing that you did the job. That he would leave from your life in a moment and you'd be alone. But that's what you wanted. To be alone right? Then why did it feel so bad? “Hey, hey…” Namjoon cooed, wrapping his arms around you. Shock hit you so hard that you stopped crying and looked up at him, “What are you fucking doing?! I just…”"Do you think some mean words are gonna get rid of me, kitten?" He sighed pulling you in closer. You took in a shutter of breath and wailed into his chest, hitting him trying to push him away. Why didn't he get it? Why wouldn't he leave?! You screamed louder as he held you closer petting your hair, "It's okay. I'm here. I've got you. Cry as much as you need. Yell as much as you want. Hate me if you have too, but I'm here. I'm here."“Please stop!” You cried into his chest soaking the fabric with your tears, “I was so cruel. Please stop caring about me. Please, Joon…please…” “No.” Namjoon sighed still holding you as the two of you sunk to the ground. His strong arms moved you into his lap and rocked you back and forth as your cried into his chest, “I can’t stop caring about you because you tell me too or you push me away. I care about you. Now you can deal with that and let me care about you, or you can fight me the whole way. I don’t really care which path you chose because my feelings about you aren’t going to change.”“I don’t deserve that.” You whimpered while his warm hand rubbed your back,"Of course, you do. Sometimes I wish I could hold a mirror up to you so you could see what I see. You are so small, fierce, resilient, beautiful, talented, and so many other words that I could use to describe you. You deserve everything and more, Y/N-ah."“Stop lying,” You mumbled sitting back slowly. Namjoon looked down at you with kind, loving eyes. He leaned down and kissed your forehead before pulling your head to his chest, listening to his strong heartbeat,“I promise not to lie if you promise to tell me what Bang PD-nim said.”You took a deep breath in, loving the feeling of being in his arms. Feeling safe, secure. Even though you yelled at him. Even though you lied. Even though a small part of you wished it was someone else’s arms,“Dispatch took some photos of Yoongi at the hospital,” You exhaled. You felt him nod, “Then when you all came to visit Bang PD-nim was worried that I was bothering you guys and that I was a distraction. He said that if things continued on this path that he’d release me from the program.”“Hmm…that’s what all of this is about?” Namjoon chuckled lightly, “So, instead of talking to us about it you thought the best idea would be to run away and ignore us,” His fingers ran up and down the side of your neck making you tremble, “Bang PD-nim is very protective of us. Think of him as a second father. He's protective over you too. He wants to make sure his ‘children' aren't doing anything stupid. I'll talk to him and promise that we will be more careful."“What could you guys do that’d be stupid?” You wondered out loud,“Like if I told you that I liked you and you felt the same way. That might be stupid.”You froze before sitting up looking at him. Namjoon’s smile was wide, his handsome face tinted with a slight crimson. He leaned forward putting his forehead on yours, your body covered in butterflies as a knot formed in your stomach,“Why…” You breathed, your lips impossibly close to his. He smiled wider closing his eyes,“Because if we broke up, he’d have to get rid of a very important trainee. So, I don’t tell you that I like you and you don’t ever have to tell me." You swallowed. Jin’s words from months ago played in your head. You really were clueless. Of course, he liked you. That explained the walks home, the attention, the kindness…that explained everything, but it was still something that you didn’t want. If he liked you, then did you like him too? Or did you like the way he made you feel?Maybe if you pretended that it was just an example that he'd say he was joking or something, so you didn't have to go down this road. Didn't Namjoon know an admission like that would change everything? And everything was already so messed up and misconstrued that you didn't need this addition right now.“Why would he get rid of me? Why not get rid of the silly idol that got the crush in the first place. I simply exist.” You mumbled shaking your head.“Oh, he’s supposed to get rid of the idol that helped him make millions or the trainee that was so wonderful that she couldn’t stay off that idol’s mind?” He laughed,“But the trainee kept telling the idol that he should think about his fans.” You whispered your eyes closing. Every nerve in your body was on fire. Every single inch of your skin that he touched was alert,"That idol is pretty sure she is a fan, but it didn't matter. Whatever that idol did he couldn't stop thinking about the trainee. Now, the trainee is in his lap, and the idol wonders if he should kiss her." Say no. Say no because if you kiss Namjoon, there's no going back. It's no longer friends. It's no longer innocent. It's no longer just Joonie,“He should.” You mumbled. Namjoon’s lips pressed against yours gently, tenderly as his hands held you in place. It was wonderful. His lips were soft and warm, and you sighed into the kiss as he pressed his lips against you harder. You slipped your hands onto his cheeks, slowly finding the way into his hair, pulling at the roots slightly. He groaned pulling back looking at you with lidded eyes.“I like you, Y/N-ah. That’s my truth.” And for once, you didn't want to run away from Namjoon. You kissed his lips gently knowing that this was going to cause more trouble, but for now, you didn't want to worry about it. You tried to savor this moment as long as you could because, for the first time in a long time, you felt good.
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There are certain things you assumed that you’d never do in your life. You would never fly with wings on your back like an angel. You’d never climb to the top of Mount Everest. You’d never have a butler or a maid. You especially thought that you’d never kiss an idol. Never needed to be taken out of your vocabulary. Every time you felt that something would never happen, it did. The kiss with Namjoon had thrown you for beyond a loop. Because you wanted to kiss him while at the same time you knew it was the dumbest choice to make. Kissing him changed everything. Jesus, when will you stop making stupid mistakes? As soon as you realized what you did and who you did it with, you ran out of the conference room with a promise to text him when you made it safely to your destination. The whole time while lying in bed next to a snoring Marina, you couldn't stop thinking about Kim Namjoon and his kiss. The way it made you feel, the way he smiled afterward as if you granted him a wish. Why did you allow him to kiss you? Then kissed him again! His lips were soft, warm. His arms around you were comforting. What did this mean for the two of you? It was a kiss, but it felt like more. You should’ve said no. While your sleepness night turned into day, the kiss was the only thing you could think about. Why didn’t you say no? Yes, Namjoon was handsome, kind, fun, brilliant…all of the things you were looking for in a guy if you were looking. You came to Korea to become a producer not to flirt and kiss the leader of Bangtan. You thought back on all of the interactions you had with Namjoon to see if you gave off some type of signal that you wanted more. Everything from your side was friendly. But things changed with Namjoon over time. From him trying to keep you away to him trying to keep you close, it was a gradual shift. You tried to ignore it, but in the setting sun of that moment his truth bubbled out. What was your truth? You groaned and tried to force Namjoon out of your mind. The warm-up dance for today was Not Today, and you had Namjoon's part all to yourself. Because the universe never allowed you to have a moment of clear thoughts. While you were rapping and dancing along, you rapped his lyric about light piercing through the darkness. If you weren’t so focused on keeping up with the movements, you would’ve stopped from that revelation. That’s what Namjoon was to you. Light. If kissing him was something that you didn't want, you would've said no. You wanted to kiss him as much as he wanted to kiss you. Maybe you didn't like him as much as he liked you, but you couldn't deny that you felt something for him. Namjoon always made you smile, made you feel butterflies, took care of you. But still, it was annoying! Feelings were dangerous, but an admission of feelings was deadly. The two of you also needed to figure out what happened next. It wasn’t like you could really date Namjoon…and it wasn’t like you really wanted to date him. He was the one who mentioned if the two of you broke up before the two of you even kissed! Everything was so much more complicated now because of that one little decision. Your thoughts were so jumbled that you didn’t realize you ended up back at your dorm. You stood in the middle of the apartment staring at the door to your bedroom until your brain caught up to where your body was. You grimaced and looked around hoping that Yoonsook wasn’t around. Even though you promised to tell her everything that happened, you weren’t in the right headspace at the moment. The door to her bedroom open and out she hopped, wearing an oversized red sweater and some shorts. You never get what you want…or do you always get what you want? You stared at her and gave a sheepish smile waving. “Hi.”Yoonsook’s dark eyes got wide as she frowned hard crossing her arms over her chest, “Hi.” You bit your bottom lip hating the awkward tension in the air. You needed to apologize before you didn’t get another chance. You took a deep breath clearing your thoughts and focusing on her, what to say to her, how to say it. You needed this to be perfect because you needed Yoonsook. How many times were you going to be moody to her, push her away before she thought you were a lost cause? You already lost Yoongi…you didn’t want to lose her too.“Do you have a few minutes to talk?” You asked. There was no time like present even if you started to shake and your stomach bubbled. Plus, talking to her may keep Namjoon off your mind for a moment, and that would be worth the panic. She grunted in response gesturing to the table. You both sat down at the same time, her arms crossed over her chest. You looked down at the golden wooden table, your fingers gliding with the groves. You tucked your bottom lip in your mouth and sighed, “Yoonsook, I’m sorry.” You started, “I’m sorry for worrying you and lashing out. I’m sorry for keeping all of my feelings to myself. I’m sorry that I’ve been so selfish lately.” You looked up and gave her a soft smile, “I was told by Bang PD-nim that I was trouble to Bangtan and it dug up old, terrible memories that I thought I dealt with. I haven’t. So please, bear with me.” Yoonsook stared at you with a blank face as she started to sneer. You swallowed squeezing your hands together under the table preparing yourself for the barrage of yelling refusing to look away from her. She took a deep inhale before smiling wide. Her dark eyes twinkled as she sighed putting her head on her fist, “Oh, Y/N! I could never be mad at you for long. Thank you for apologizing…but next time don’t make me worry! I didn’t know what you were going to do next! Then you stopped coming to the dorm! I was so concerned!" She stood up and bopped you on the head. You winced and rubbed the spot nodding with a laugh, "You are never alone in this okay?"“I know.” You felt relieved and promised yourself never to hurt her like that again, “I can’t promise you that I’m one hundred percent…but I’m getting there.” Yoonsook nodded and tapped her finger on her smirked lips. “Good. Now, have you spoken to Tae?” This reminded you of the Doctor Who episode with Matt Smith. The one where the Tardis kept bringing up his past companions to help him feel guilty. But in your case, it wasn't going to save your life, it was going to be the death of you. You put all thoughts of Tae in the ‘To Be Dealt with Later' pile in your mind. You had a fire going in there about Namjoon, and it needed to be tamed before you could do anything about Tae. Tae. Your best friend, Tae. The one you didn't deserve. After all, he did for you, you cast him aside. You knew when Yoongi walked away from you that he was done with you, but Tae…did he even know? And if he did would he forgive you? Also though it seemed weird, the two of you clicked. You missed his laughter, his silly attitude, how he called you his little sister. You grimaced feeling bile start to rise to the top of your throat at the thought of talking to him.You covered your eyes and put your head on the table, “No! I…don’t know what to say to him.”“Say you’re sorry. Before it’s too late.” She said while thumping your head again. You hissed and groaned.“I know…I know...I’m just…”"You'll know what to say when you're in front of him. Okay. Go off to your room now." You looked up at her with furrowed brows. The one time you didn't want to go to your room, Yoonsook was trying to send you to it. You tilted your head as she walked over to you and pulled you out of your chair. You squirmed in her arms hissing trying to get her to stop. She finally set you in the bed and smiled at you telling you not to come out until you call Tae or at least had a game plan. The door closed with a gentle click, and you sat in silence. You didn't want to sit in silence, because your mind would wander back to Namjoon to Tae…to Yoongi eventually. Your mind always got to him. You pulled out your phone and scrolled to Tae's name. All you had to do is call him and apologize. Tell him your side, and if he didn't want to be friends further then, you tried. You didn't run away. It would hurt, but it'd be worth it. You swallowed and bit your bottom lip, bouncing your leg. With your thumb hovering over the dial button you closed your eyes. Do it. Just do it. The more you worry about it, the worse it becomes.The phone started ringing filling up your silent bedroom with a simple melody. You bit the side of your tongue looking at the name ‘Joon’ come up. What did he want?! You grumbled and shoved one hand into your curls while pressing the green button,“Hello?” You breathed.“Hey, kitten.” Namjoon chuckled from the other side. His voice sent trembles throughout your whole body. You should’ve called Tae immediately because this was worse. Way worse! What the hell could he want right now? “Hi? What’s up?” You questioned, trying to keep the nerves out of your voice. You didn’t know how to talk to him anymore. You felt like everything you could say would give him the idea of something you didn’t know if you wanted or not. “Oh, I’m in my studio right now. I wanted to know if you wanted to stop by.”“I don’t think that would be the best idea. You know with me the whole I’m banned from Bangtan thing going on.”Namjoon laughed, “You’re not banned from Bangtan. You’re banned from being caught with Bangtan. There is a huge difference.”"Okay smartass, explain to me the difference." You bit your bottom lip trying to keep yourself from smiling, even though he couldn’t see it. You didn’t want him to make you that happy.“That’s the difference. We won’t get caught.”You sighed and laid back on your bed, “That’s your solution, RM-seonbae –” “I don’t want you to call me that!” He groaned. You laughed and nodded,“Fine. That’s your solution, Joonie? Not talk to Bang PD-nim…just simply don’t get caught. This is a bad plan that will surely get me kicked out.”“I know that!” Namjoon sighed, “But it’s all we got right now. I tried to talk to Bang PD-nim, and he was not budging. He said that when you debut, we could be friends, but right now there are bigger things on the table." It didn’t surprise you that Bang PD-nim didn't budge. If Namjoon were in the room when it went down, he would've known that too. That little hope that you had in your heart was dashed once more. You took a deep breath and closed your eyes listening to his breathing and the faint sounds of a song playing in the background,“I’m not going to give up that easily, Kitten.” You held your hand to your chest trying to appreciate the way it drummed from his words. He was a fucking idiot. But, God, you’d be a liar if you didn’t admit you loved that he wasn’t going to give up on you. “You should. It’d be easier.” You blurted, “You made a bad choice in…” You didn’t want to say liking me,“Liking you?” He laughed hard, “That’s probably the best choice I’ve made in a while.”“Namjoon…” You whispered as your heart went faster and your body became hot.“I know what kind of choice I’ve made. But it’s made.”“Okay.” You replied, so relieved that he couldn’t see you because you felt like a little school girl. You chewed on the inside of your cheek as an awkward silence fell. You pressed the phone to your ear harder to try to listen to the song, “What are you working on?”“Something for the next album. If you came to the studio, I’d let you hear it.” Namjoon replied mischievously.“Are you trying to bribe me?”“Always.” He hummed. His deep voice slipped straight to your stomach making your heart stop. For a split moment his face from when he kissed you appeared. The smirk on his face, that wonderful dimple, eyelids slightly drooped. You shook your head violently sitting up digging your nail into your thumb,“You excited for the session in a few days?” You squeaked out,“Yeah! The song that we are working on is for a little project of ours, so I hope it works out." He chuckled,“Can I be honest?” Namjoon’s mhm came through, “I’m really shocked I’m allowed to even come you know with the whole Bangtan Ban.”Namjoon sighed before answering, “Yoongi-hyung really sold your abilities the first time around. I think that Bang PD-nim is excited to see what you got.” Yoongi. Your smile faded hearing his name. Of course, he did. He was always so kind to you when you gave him no reason to be. It was a bit like basking in the moonlight when you were around him. Soft, alluring, peaceful. And now you'd never have that feeling again. You pushed the thought away of Yoonsook telling you to say you're sorry. Tae you might have a chance, but Yoongi was long gone. He didn't feel like the type to give you more than one chance. You had burned the bridge with him once before, this time it was incinerated. You sighed hard and turned back into the phone call catching the last bit of what Namjoon was saying,
“Anyway, I gotta get back to this song. I really want you to hear it when you get a chance. Talk soon?”“Sure.” Namjoon said goodbye, and you replied the same before hanging up the phone trying to understand what was going on with you. But the only thing you had to compare what was going on now with was what happened with Jason. Deep down you knew that that time with Jason was different than this time. Jason never made you feel butterflies, or hot, or any of the feelings you get when you’re around Namjoon. Namjoon made you feel all of those things and more, but you knew he shouldn’t. If the kiss was skating on thin ice, dating him would be drowning in freezing water. Heat pressed against your cheeks as you tucked your lips inside your mouth. Dating Kim Namjoon? You put your hands on your cheeks and grumbled. You were supposed to call Tae to apologize, and now you're thinking about dating Namjoon. That was worse than thinking about the kiss! The next couple of days flew by only punctuated with talks about the upcoming break next month. And thoughts of Kim Namjoon, of course. A few hours before your studio session, Heeae asked you if you were going to go home and you told her it didn’t make sense to travel for two of the days of five-day break. You’d stay here. Miyung in a surprising one-eighty in character asked if you'd like to come over her house for the break. All of the girls were just as stunned as you because they all looked at her with dumbfounded faces. She grumbled and looked away mentioning that it wouldn't be a bother for you to come and nobody should be alone for the break. Jiho literally jumped up and down for joy with her fists in the air as if she was Rocky. You rolled your eyes and laughed telling Miyung thank you for the offer, but you already had plans. You didn’t, you just didn’t know if you were close enough with Miyung to spend dinner with her family. But the offer was beyond any type of kindness you were expecting. While walking to the studio, the sudden realization hit that Yoongi was going to be there. You stood in the hallway honestly considering bailing. Seeing his eyes that cold was so painful that seeing them again like that might kill you this time. They were so icy and blank, like the first time he saw you. Like you were a stranger. You pulled in air and held it while walking forward. You couldn’t let your mistakes hinder you. Yoongi would be cordial. His boss was going to be there. And Namjoon wouldn’t let him be too cruel to you. You walked to the main studio twenty minutes before the scheduled start time. You wanted a bit of alone time in there before the boys came. With your newly minted studio pass, you let yourself into the studio. It had been in a pile of things for you at the dorm for a minute. You only received it because Yoonsook threatened to burn all of your mail. The big studio. You grinned walking up to the console and letting your fingers dance across the buttons and slides, making sure not to move anything accidentally. All of your hard work paid off, you were allowed in the studios on your own. Excitement buzzed through you as you put your arms out and did a slow turn as if you were in the Sound of Music. Proud. You were so pleased to be here. You sat down on the couch texting your momma that you were about to start a session with Bangtan. Her immediate response was 'did you talk to the boys yet.' You groaned and closed your phone. The silence of the music studio was peaceful. You could stay in here forever if someone let you. You tucked your legs underneath you on the couch while leaning on the arm. Your black circle skirt spilled around you in such a beautiful way. To think you were in this room and passed out then your world imploded. It still wasn't the same world, but it was slowly coming back together. You had to work for it. The door to the studio opened, and you looked up with a giant grin on your face. Yoongi looked over at you as your smile fell. He pushed his glasses up with his index finger walking to one of the rolling chairs and sitting in it. You held your breath while he dropped his bag to the floor rummaging through it to pull out his laptop. His bag looked a little fuller than usual then you looked at his back, noticing how nicely the blue and white striped t-shirt fit his shoulders. You should say something. Anything. Ask about the weather. Ask about LA. Anything to bring life back into the room. The silence of the music studio was suffocating now.“Hello.” You managed to squeak out. And it sounded like a peep as if you hadn't spoken in decades. “Hello.” He exhaled typing on his laptop without turning to look back at you. Just like you thought. Nothing. Like you didn’t exist. You looked down at the fabric of your skirt taking even breaths. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. You can’t be angry or irritated at Yoongi because you brought this upon yourself. You missed him. You should tell him that. Right now. Even if he doesn’t reciprocate, just so he knows that you aren’t angry with him. That you were stupid. You parted your lips trying to force the words out of your mouth and into the deafening silence. Was it heavy on Yoongi too? You reached out and closed your eyes about to speak all of your truths even if he never looked back at you again. The studio door opened once more as Namjoon walked in speaking loudly terrifying you. You pulled your arm into your chest and looked back at your knees. He was talking to someone on the phone then said bye. You looked over at him, and he was grinning at you. You weren’t feeling so joyous, but you forced yourself to smile back.“Hello, RM-seonbae.” You smirked. Namjoon stuck his tongue out and sat down, while awkwardly pushing back his jean jacket. You frowned trying to figure out what in the hell he was…doing…You looked up at him shaking your head, “You didn’t.”“I’m doing a VLive later.” He answered. Laughter tumbled out of your body as you stared at him wearing your Sailor Moon shirt that was stretched to hell from being too tight with a black long sleeve shirt underneath it. He grinned widely and squeezed your hand, “Now, I get to dare you to do something right?”“Oh, hell no! I was teasing! I didn’t think you were gonna wear it all day!”"Well, I did. Don't worry, your dare is coming." Namjoon grinned widely leaning in closer to you. You wrinkled your nose at him and pushed him away,“Idiot.” For a moment you thought you could feel Yoongi's eyes on you. When you turned to look at him, he was staring at his laptop again but had turned to face you and Namjoon on the couch.“AH, I’m sorry Yoongi-hyung. I didn’t say hello to you when you walked in.” Namjoon said while crossing his legs looking at his teammate with a gentle smile,"You seemed very preoccupied," Yoongi replied without looking up, his fingers typing away at what must've been the world's most important email. His voice could’ve frozen ice cubes. You frowned looking over at Namjoon with worry. Namjoon nodded while giving you a half smile, trying to reassure you that everything was fine. You didn’t believe it. Namjoon started to go over the type of song that they were working on. They were laying down the foundation for a new cypher. Your eyes got large as you leaned closer to him unable to contain your excitement. Cyphers were some of your favorite BTS song, your choice being Cypher 4. Although, you never understood why Yoongi dedicated three lines to click-clack to the bang-bang even though you’re sure that he’s never held a gun in his life, but you’d never get to discuss that with him. Namjoon told you the kind of vibe that they were going for and that Hoseok would drop his verse once everything was laid down nicely. Then Namjoon lowered his voice and said, so only you’d hear, that seeing you this excited was cute. You groaned and sat back looking away from him feeling warmth kiss your cheeks. Bang PD-nim and Supreme Boi walked in talking to each other seriously. Supreme Boi kept rubbing his eyes and sat in the empty chair next to Yoongi. Bang PD-nim scanned the room and smiled brightly when he saw you. You couldn’t bring yourself to return it. You bowed politely in your seat looking at your legs. He wasn’t Timothy. He didn’t know what he said was going to affect you like that. You shouldn’t be scared of him, but you were. Every part of you was telling you to leave the room. To run, but you had an opportunity to be a part of something amazing…you needed to stay. The chatter started around you quickly, with Namjoon and Supreme Boi trying to bring you in, but you gave one-word answers still feeling uncomfortable with Bang PD-nim. Supreme Boi roasted Namjoon on the Sailor Moon shirt that made you chuckle slightly, but still, you said nothing. You weren’t there to socialize, you were there to learn. And you had to prove to Bang PD-nim that you weren’t a problem for Bangtan. All you wanted was to look at Yoongi and have him calm your fears with the slightest glance. It took all of your willpower not to look to Yoongi for comfort. When you looked at Namjoon, you felt reassured, but in a different way. You twisted your mouth side to side as Namjoon got up and entered the booth. Supreme Boi cued him up, and he started rapping. The last time you were enthralled with Yoongi's rapping. But this time, it sounded off. It didn’t feel like the vibe that Namjoon was talking about. From the look on Bang PD-nim’s face, it seemed like he agreed. You looked over at Yoongi quickly who's eyes were closed, nodding his head to the beat with a slight frown on his face. He didn't like it either. Supreme hit the talkback button and shook his head,“Joon, come out here. It’s not working. Something not right.”Namjoon nodded walking out of the booth, “I thought so too…its….missing….” He stopped talking and put his fist on his mouth in thought. Then the room became silent once more. Every now and then one of the men would speak up and say something that shot down immediately by another. Supreme suggested speeding up the tempo. Yoongi did that slurping nose before knocking that idea down as nice as he could. Namjoon offered that they kick in the bass a few measures early and Bang PD-nim shook his head. Honestly, the song itself was fine. What it needed was more instrumentation. It was just very one note. It was a slow trap beat, that was mostly bass and a few synths on top. You stuck your hands into your puffs wondering if you should say something. You looked over at Yoongi locking eyes with him for the first time the whole session. He closed his eyes immediately and crossed his arms over his chest leaning back in the chair. Your heart needed to get used to that response. It couldn’t keep hurting every time he treated you the way you asked him to. You looked over to Namjoon, and he gave you a soft smile. It gave you just enough courage to do what you probably shouldn't. “What if…you add violins instead of the synth. Then you strip everything away during the first chorus everyone is together. After that during the second verse, double your bass and add a bit of piano.” Everyone in the room slowly turned to you as if they forgot you were there. Bang PD-nim blinked slowly and started to nod his head. Supreme Boi’s eyes got large, and he turned to the console moving things around. Yoongi sighed and got up walking to the keyboard in the room asking if Supreme was ready to record. With one swift nod, Yoongi's fingers danced across filling the studio with beautiful sound. Namjoon beamed at you and gave a thumbs up. Once the new elements were in place, the song started, and it sounded light years better. “Have I told you how perfect you are today, Y/N-ah?” Supreme Boi chuckled,“You haven’t, Supreme Boi-seonbae. Thank you.” You smiled back. You tried to keep your joy in check waiting on approval from the only two people in the room that really mattered. Bang PD-nim and Yoongi.“How did you come up with those ideas?” Bang PD-nim asked, turning around to look at you in his swivel chair,You swallowed, "Well, RM-seonbae told me about the vibe of the song, and I know Bangtan’s sound very well. It sounded like it needed something for your ear to latch on to. For me, that’s always violins. Give me a song with a good violin line or piano line, I’m sold.”“You may have to come to more of these sessions, Y/N-ah. Well done. I truly enjoy the improvements you’ve made to the song.” You could’ve burst in that one moment. You smiled slowly and could feel Yoongi’s eyes on your skin. He should say something. Just one word, or one nod…a smile…something. Anything. You turned to him then his eyes closed, another nail in the coffin. The session kept moving forward. Namjoon hopped back in the booth and finished his verse. Yoongi followed him quickly behind, and soon the session was over. Supreme and Bang PD-nim walked out together holding the file to show to Hoseok. You stared at Yoongi as he collected his things and walked out of the room without a glance in your direction. You gritted your teeth and closed your eyes holding your breath."You did good today, kitten," Namjoon whispered in your ear. You opened your eyes wide wondering how he got so close to you without you noticing. He kissed your cheek quickly before you had a chance to push him away. You yelped and put your hand over that cheek glaring at him,“You can’t just do that! What if someone walked in and saw you!” You seethed doing your best to keep the blood from rushing to your face, but you have no control over that. A blush settled on your cheeks, and you frowned harder. Namjoon bit his bottom lip in a smile and shrugged, “They are long gone. And plus, you deserved a reward.” He beamed while his warm chocolate eyes sparkled. “GET OUT!” You screamed pointing out of the door with one hand looking for something to throw at him with another. He laughed and darted out of the room. You fell back on the couch with your hand over your heart groaning loudly. Well, the positive here is if you die before getting caught you can't get kicked out of the program. When you made back to your dorm, you saw two familiar figures bickering outside. Marina and Kevin were messing with the call box like two children fighting over candy. At their feet were two bags, one next to Kevin neatly packed and the one next to Marina looked like it was moments away from exploding from the number of things in it. You smirked and walked up behind them,“And you two wonder why I consider myself the older sister.” You beamed as Marina jumped out of her skin, latching on to Kevin. Kevin’s punctuated laugh lifted into the air when you jumped onto Kevin’s back, “What are you two doing here?”“What does it look like? Surprising you! We want to spend the night in some cool, fancy, idol dorm.” Marina breathed still holding her chest. You laughed as Kevin held you up, "Well I have some bad news for you. The hotel was a better representation of what you were looking for." “Doesn’t matter! We’re leaving in a few days, and we want to get one night here." Marina said with a firm nod. You smirked and laid your head on top of Kevin's. “Let me ask Yoonsook if it’s okay for you all to spend the night.” As you and your siblings made the way upstairs, you texted Yoonsook while keeping a hold on Kevin and Marina who loved exploring more than people their age should.|Y/N: Hey, is it okay if Marina and Kevin spend the night tonight?|Sookie: Absolutely! That will be fun!|Sookie: It’s even better because I’m staying the night at Hosungs.|Y/N: Use protection. I don’t want to be a grand-roommate.|Sookie: Normally, that would irritate me, but I'm going to allow it because it means you are starting to come back around. A huge smile grew on your face. Maybe you were starting to come back around. You slipped off Kevin’s back and unlocked the door. Marina walked in and nodded her head slowly shrugging analyzing the place with her hand on her chin. Kevin grinned and threw his arm over your shoulder,“This is nicer than I thought.” He said while tugging on one of your puffs,"Worse than I did." Marina sighed dropping her bag by the couch. You rolled your eyes and grabbed both their hands giving them the tour. Which consisted of you standing in the living room and pointing things out to them. When you pointed to your room, Marina ran inside and started to inspect everything as if she was some type of art curator. She gave an approving nod,“I like your room. There’s a lot of pictures of us on the wall. Good. That’s all I care about. Now, do you think Yoonsook would mind if we borrowed her mattress?”“Uh. I can text her…why.”“We’ve learned that the optimal sleepovers involve multiple mattresses in the living room. I’ll sleep on the couch clearly because I’m the biggest now.” Kevin bragged putting his hands in the air and almost touched the ceiling, “Yeah. Yeah. Then I’m the smartest…and the cutest. Sorry, Mar, no other titles to give you.” You laughed walking into your room to help her grab your mattress. “Baddest bitch walking, thank you very much," Marina announced lifting up the mattress with you. You mouthed okay at her trying not to laugh. You could feel Kevin’s eyes almost rolling out of his head. Once the coffee table was moved to the other side of the living room against the wall and the mattress was placed along with all of the other pillows and blankets you could find, the sleepover was set in motion. You and Marina were sitting on the mattress with Kevin having the whole couch to himself. You're still not sure how the youngest got the best place in the sleepover, but you were feeling generous.“Oh shit, I almost forgot the customary sleepover onesies!” Marina giggled, hopping up and running over to her bag. She threw one at Kevin, one at you, and held the last in her arms. You looked at your onesie and raised an eyebrow,“What is this?”“That is a rainbow panda kigurumi. You will be adorable in it. Kevin’s got a sloth, and I’ve got a fox. I also have a Shiba dog one too just in case.”“You can’t say something is customary if this is the first time we’re doing it, Marina.” Kevin scoffed, putting his nose in the air. He huffed and pushed himself off the couch walking to the bathroom to change.“It’s customary because we are going to do it for every sleepover from now till our deaths!” She hollered as the door closed. Marina laughed and stood up starting to get into hers. You followed suit and took your hair out of your puffs shaking it out, allowing all of your curls to live their best lives.Kevin came out sulking, "If I am going to be subjugated to this kind of torture, I demand food to be brought to me via some kind of service."“It would’ve been easier for you to say that you want me to order food.” You snorted, sitting back down in your cocoon of warmth and rainbow, “Also, it’s a good look on you.” Marina nodded in agreement. You opened up your phone going to the delivery service app, still ignoring the number of text messages and voicemails you hadn’t dealt with. You took a deep breath trying to push away anxiety. You’d deal with it tomorrow, even though it’d be hard, and it’d be painful. You had to deal with it. You tucked your bottom lip in your mouth ordering a few things while one of your siblings turned on the TV. Marina flipped channels over and over, mumbling to herself that there was nothing in English. You rolled your eyes and leaned back against the couch deciding not to say anything. Kevin, on the contrary, went IN on Marina. Asking her if she knew what country she was in, how she was acting like a stupid American. You patted Kevin’s knee knowing that Momma, and you just a little bit, raised him to be a smart kid. Marina’s face was the color of a tomato as she grumbled her apologizes. She finally landed on a music channel, turning to you as the song faded. Kevin lightly nudged you as a reminder to order him food, and you nodded going back into your phone. Then you heard Jungkook and Namjoon's voices come through the television. You looked up to see the screen zoom in on Yoongi sitting in the bed as ‘I Need U’ started. You grimaced and shook your head,
“Turn.”“No!” Marina groaned, “This is a good MV.”“Please.” You asked quietly looking at the buttons of your onesie. Yoongi's voice was painful. You didn't want to hear it if you didn't have too. “Please.” Kevin begged, “We have to listen to this all the time. C’mon! Can we get a BTS free day?”Marina clicked her tongue and nodded, "Fine." She changed the channel, and you breathed a sigh of relief. You threw your arm over her shoulder and kissed her temple gently with a smile.“How about instead of BTS…I show you a little bit of PRISM. This is next level shit.” You promised while standing up. You gestured at both of them stand up waiting for them to comply. Marina pursed her lips at you but stood up anway, wobbling on the mattress.“PRISM?” Kevin repeated while standing behind Marina. You nodded mysteriously before pulling your phone out of your pocket. You pulled up your track and set it nearby allowing the heavy beat to flood your apartment,“PRISM…the group I’m a leader of!” You cried starting to dance to the music. Performing for your siblings wasn't anything new. While you were terrified to be on a stage with all of their eyes on you, for your family you could perform until your legs fell off. You wanted to make them happy. Watching Marina and Kevin's eyes get wide with wonder, then feeling the beat while you rapped…there was no better feeling in the world. Once the music stopped Marina jumped up with joy clapping her hands. Kevin nodded and smiled at you proudly. "Wanna learn?" You suggested with your hands behind your back. You knew you shouldn't teach them the song, or the dance. Both belonged to BigHit and were only to be known by people within BigHit, but you were feeling bold tonight. You already did the worst thing by kissing Namjoon, so what's the harm in teaching a little song to your siblings. Kevin and Marina screamed with excitement, and you grinned turning the music back on again. If you were terrible at dancing and learning the moves, then Kevin and Marina were even worse if possible. How Momma adopted children with only two left feet was a feat in itself. Also, you now understood why your teammates, besides Jiho, always frowned when you were starting to learn new moves. It was hard teaching someone who's body didn't want to move that way. Kevin, to your surprise, caught on much faster than Marina ever could. In the middle of your sibling rehearsal, the food came. Kevin basically attacked it as soon as you set it on the table making you and Marina laugh. The laughter between all of you didn't stop for hours. Between more dancing, music, laughter, talking it didn't feel like you were in Seoul trying to make decisions that would affect your life forever. It felt like you were in LA, in your living room trying to keep it down not to wake Momma. You wished that it could stay like this forever. From Kevin chasing Marina around the room or you hiding behind Kevin from Marina’s assault because you won’t show her Bangtan’s dorm, everything was perfect. The pounding at the door stopped yelling and the laughter for a moment, as Marina put her hand over her mouth to keep the sputters of laughter inside. You silently giggled holding your fingers up to your siblings, trying to make it the door in the hilarious onesie you were wearing. It was probably one of the other girls who lived on the floor to tell you to keep it down. You guys were way too loud.“Give me a second.” You laughed through the door fumbling with the handle. When you finally opened it, you looked in the hallway, and your stomach fell to your feet. Tae stood there his arms crossed over his chest, eyes narrowed. You pressed your shoulders to your ears taking a deep breath before shaking your head at him and reaching for the door to close it as if that would make what you saw go away. He glared harder and put his hand out keeping the door open, “Stop it!” You hissed at him trying to move him from the frame, “You shouldn’t be here!”“Y/N?” Kevin’s called from the sofa, stuffing his face with some chips.“It’s fine guys!” You hollered back while trying to push Tae's hand off the door. He walked into your dorm slowly the glare never leaving his face. Marina's loud gasp and her hitting Kevin must mean that she saw Tae. You looked over your shoulder to see your two siblings staring past you at Tae. One had the look of awe on her face, and the other seemed mildly impressed.“Hi!” Kevin grinned, “I’m Y/N’s brother! Nice to meet you, I think they call you V?” He walked over and stuck his hand out. Tae’s face softened, and he shook his hand,"Hi. Yes. V. Sorry, do you mind if I talk to Y/N?" He asked with a smile and in English. Kevin saluted Tae then walked back to where Marina was and dragged her to your bedroom. Marina grumbled that she didn’t get to introduce herself and Kevin told her to shut up as your door closed. You looked at Tae as he closed the door and stared at you. That perfection you felt hours ago was gone, only to be filled with dread and pain. You crossed your arms over your chests and glared at him. This was bad. He shouldn’t be here,“You can’t be here.” You said flatly, swallowing. Tae raised an eyebrow at you and mimicked your body language standing at his full height."Why can't I?" He asked his voice cold. Your heart tightened. You'd never heard him sound like that and you didn't like it, but what could you do? Yoonsook's voice bounced against your skull telling you to say sorry. Apologize.“Because you can’t.” You whispered looking down at your feet.“Namjoon told me what happened with Bang PD-nim.” You bit the inside of your cheek cursing Namjoon inwardly, “Your solution was to ignore us until the end of time?” Yes. That was your solution. You had nothing to say to Tae. You wanted to do this on your own terms but now that it was being brought to you…you were lost, confused. Scared. Scared of saying the wrong thing and watching him walk out of your life forever. Scared that you were going to lose him like you lost Yoongi. Afraid because you were a fucking idiot. You balled your hands into fists feeling your nails prick at the skin of your palms."Well?" Tae sniffled. You looked up eyes wide watching a tear drop from his eyes. Your throat tightened. "Well, Y/N-ah? Was that your solution? Just to ignore us? To ignore me! You said I was your best friend!" Another tear slid down his red cheeks. "How could you just make that decision on your own! You can't just decide that we aren't going to be friends anymore. If you are truly done with our friendship tell me. Tell me right now, and we'll be done with it." You parted your lips to say something. To try to apologize but watching Tae crying was tearing you apart. It was killing you to see that you were causing him pain, but you deserved every single stab and ache. You did this to him. You were tired…tired of feeling horrible and making the people you cared about feel awful. You reached out and grabbed Tae’s face, cleaning his tears with your thumb,“I’m sorry…” You babbled feeling your nose burn and tears flooding your eyes, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what happened. I’m sorry I’m making you hurt like this. I promised to never make you worry but look at me. Look at what I’ve done.” You wrapped your arms around him squeezing him tightly, “You are my oppa. You are my best friend. I never want to be done with you. I never want to be done with us.” Tae held you to his chest, his breathing heavy from his crying. You felt his tears hit your curls and you hugged him tighter.“I’m sorry Bang PD-nim said those things that scared you, but that doesn't mean we can't be friends. We won't let you get kicked out of the program." He hiccupped. You looked up at him and pushed some of his hair out of his eyes, putting your hands on his cheeks, “I love you, Kim Taehyung. I love you so much more than you know, and I love you for not giving up.”“I’ll never give up on you.” Tae beamed his blotchy face starting to calm down, “Because I love you too.” It wasn’t the first time that you both said you loved each other. And it wouldn’t be the last. Tae wiped your tears away with the sleeve of his sweater before playfully knocking your forehead. You smiled feeling a little bit lighter. You smiled because having two outta three ain’t bad.“I didn’t understand a word you guys said, but are you going to kiss now?” Marina asked from the crack of your door.“Marina!” You snapped, “Jesus, were you snooping the whole time?” "Not the whole time – just when you started to cry," Kevin answered walking out of the door still in his sloth outfit. Tae looked at you then at the rest of your family, “Why are you all wearing those?”“We’re having a sleepover.” You answered back pulling away from him, but you still wanted to be connected with him at the same time. You put your hand in his squeezing it. Marina and Kevin eyed this and looked at each other speaking in looks you couldn’t understand. Tae’s brown eyes got large,“What! I’m sorry! I’ll leave. But only if you promise to talk to me tomorrow.” Tae grinned pulling your cheek. You wrinkled your nose at him and nodded,“I promise.” Tae nodded and smiled once more before leaving your dorm. You looked at your siblings and smiled brightly,“That was Kim Taehyung. Maybe you know him by V. And he’s my best friend.” You announced, “And I missed him.”“If you missed him, why didn’t you invite him to the sleepover?” Marina asked. Silly you! You giggled and threw the door open sticking your head out catching him just about to turn the corner down the hall,"Hey." You smiled sheepishly watching him turn around slowly, "Wanna join our sleepover?" The smile on Tae's face warmed your whole body. At that moment you vowed to only make Tae smile. The countdown was on in your head. Ten. Tae was a good sport and put on the last kirigumi Marina had in her messy Mary Poppin’s bag. The Shiba dog one looked very cute on Tae, and you complimented him, enjoying the slight way his cheeks flushed. You were the best translator you could be, but Tae surprised you all by speaking a lot of English. Nine. Eight. Marina kept bouncing in place, and you raised an eyebrow knowing your countdown to Marina's eventual explosion of questions was going to happen sooner than you thought. Five. Four. Three. Kevin offered your best friend some food, and Tae shook his head commenting that he just ate. Marina took in a deep breath her eyes shifting back and forth between you and Tae. Shit. Here it comes. You covered your eyes, shaking your head not even trying to figure out the kind of questions that were going to fly out of her mouth,"Is Yoongi…uh, Suga doing okay?" Marina asked. You spread apart your fingers looking at her curiously. That was not the question you were expecting her to ask. You expected her to spew questions about ships, music, if they were single. Any nugget that she could get that was different than the things that were out there, but no…she asked about Yoongi. And you felt she asked mostly for you. Tae gave a soft smile looking down at his knees,“Hyung is…being hyung.” He replied. You sighed and leaned back against the couch. Yoongi was doing just fine then if hyung is being hyung. He was living his life, thriving, being the genius, he was. Living before you ever came into it. Did you think that he’d have a hard time sleeping or be worried about you? You lost that privilege."Hmm, well I hope he's getting rest and water. Can you pass that message along to him?" She grinned. Tae nodded with a slightly confused face. He didn't understand everything, but he got the gist of it. To your pleasure and your dismay, Yoongi wasn’t brought up anymore the rest of the night. You did want to know how he was doing. You waited until you heard Marina’s soft breathing to your left and Kevin’s loud bulldozer of a snore on the couch to turn to Tae. He looked over at you and smiled, “Sorry about Kevin. I swear he can peel paint with that snore.”"Ah, it's fine. It reminds me when we'd all sleep in that two-bedroom dorm like this one and wouldn't be able to believe how thin the walls were. I'm used to it." Tae whispered. You hummed and moved closer to him grabbing his arm,“How is he for real, Tae?” Your voice was barely audible. If he didn’t hear you, you could pretend that you didn’t ask it."Why don't you ask him how he is," Tae replied. You groaned and took your free hand to cover your eyes.“How.”“The same way you asked me to stay for the sleepover. You just do it. Don’t think about the answer. Just speak.” “I can’t.” You mumbled, “I can’t just speak. Namjoon pressed me to speak. You gave me a choice, so I had to speak. He’s done with me. There’s nothing more to say.”“Is that what you really think?” “It’s what I really know.” Tae turned, so he was laying on his side looking right into your eyes grabbing your hand. He squeezed it giving you a sad smile nodding, “Then there’s nothing more for you to say.” A mild burning tickled your nose, and you closed them before any tears would fall. Tae was right. There's nothing more for you to say. You moved to your back still holding his hand. You told him that you were going to sleep now, and he wished you a good night. You laid there waiting to feel Tae fall asleep. You tapped him gently testing to see if he would wake. When he didn't move, you got off the mattress and walked to your bedroom to change out of the onesie. You decide to take a walk to clear your head. The seasons had officially changed. No longer was Seoul that warm summer city that you arrived in. You wrapped your zip-up hoodie around you tighter wishing that you wore something a little more substantial, pushing out the thought of Yoongi's hoodie being perfect for this weather. Even when you didn't want to think about him, you were thinking about him. It was like that experiment that you were told about as a kid. If you say to someone not to think of elephants, then they think of elephants. You were told to leave Bangtan alone, and of course, all you can think about is Yoongi. That's all it was. As soon as your brain understood there was no going back to the way things were then all would be well again. Until then, you'd play the piano. You walked into the hallway with all of the practice rooms and heard soft music coming from one of the rooms. You clicked your tongue in irritation getting closer seeing that it was your favorite practice room. Whoever was playing was professional, and the song was so haunting. You opened the door slowly trying to see who it was. You have the worst luck…from the crack you created, you saw Yoongi playing something quickly, then writing down what he wrote on sheet music with his other hand. He sucked in the air and puffed out his cheeks scratching the back of his head with his pencil. You closed the door as quietly as you opened it as your body shook. The person you didn't want to think about was in your favorite practice room. Maybe Marina was right. Maybe your life was more like a KDrama than you wanted to admit. You took a deep breath heading to another room and closing the door pressing your back against it trying to steady yourself. He was right there! Yoongi was right there. You could've barged in and explained everything! You could've told him all the things you were terrified to say but…you laughed angrily sitting down at the piano. Stage fright. Even in friendships. You sighed and let your fingers run up the ivory keys until you heard a familiar note. You played it over and over until your fingers filled in the chords you were trying to play. Then the next set of chords until you knew what you were accidentally playing. ‘Save me.' The words fell out of your mouth because maybe Namjoon was right. Perhaps you were a fan. You came to release thoughts and feelings. Not think about Namjoon. You focused your thoughts and sang with all of the pain and frustration you held, playing until the pads of your fingers hurt. Then you got to Yoongi's verse, and you stopped. You looked over your shoulder to make sure the door was still closed then sang Yoongi's lines. Your voice cracked on the first ‘Please Save Me Tonight.' Then you spit out a bitter laugh continuing the song. You didn't need anyone to save you. You needed to save yourself. When you finished, you took a deep breath and allowed yourself one more tear to fall. It'd be the last one. You didn't have time to cry all the time, mainly when it was your fault that you got into this mess. You cleaned it away before it had a chance to hit the keys standing up. You looked at the piano and gave it a soft smile, before kissing a black key. You looked at your phone and sighed at the time. You needed to head back before they knew you were missing. Although, it might’ve been funny to see them all freak out…just a little bit. A laugh escaped your lips as you opened the door to the hallway. You looked across the way to see Yoongi standing against the wall looking at you. You froze and lost the ability to breathe. His starry eyes were dull, and he crossed his arms over his chest. Move. You need to walk away. You tucked your bottom lip in your mouth and made yourself walk to the left,“Trainee.” You stopped in your tracks looking at the door out of the hallway, “We need to talk.” Your eyes opened wide as you turned to him terrified.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Under different circumstances standing on the roof of BigHit taking in the beauty of the moon and stars and the clarity of the sky around you would’ve been amazing. It was the perfect vantage point to see the beauty of Seoul. From the gorgeous skyline to the Han river it was all there for you to take in. If it were another time, you would’ve stood up there and watched the sky shift from the inky dark blue to a soft pink as the sun rose. But you were on the roof with the last person you wanted to be, doing the last thing that you wanted to do. Cold air pierced through your zip up as you tried to pull it closer to your body waiting for Yoongi to speak. You couldn't take your eyes off of him, feeling much like prey that was moments away from death. His eyes, while cloudy and unreadable, would typically look like the sky you were under. For a split moment you wondered if you caused his eyes to lose their luster, but you knew it was selfish to think that you could do that to him. The blush-silver light of the moon highlighted his pale skin and the baggy dark blue sweater he wore making him appear smaller than what he actually was. Then a breeze flew between you two tossing his dark hair into his eyes, giving you a moment of peace. This was the third time you were in this situation…being forced to speak, forced to explain things you didn’t want to. To make it worse neither of you had said a word. You followed Yoongi obediently after he told you that the two of you needed to talk. Through hallways you’d never been in, to a stairwell that you didn’t know exited you followed him. And now you were silent staring at him. You wouldn’t speak until he commanded you to like the others because you knew it didn’t matter. You lost Yoongi. And that loss hurt more than what you gained with Namjoon. It wasn't an equal exchange. Because you can't have it all. You took in a deep breath crossing your arms over your chest as your teeth started to chatter. You weren’t sure if it was from the cold or it was from being scared. Afraid of what he was going to say. Scared of what he was going to think. Scared of his silence. Yoongi sighed closing his eyes and took his backpack off. He reached in and pulled out two items, his sweatshirt, and a black box. You tilted your head to the side in confusion as he held them out to you and shoved the other hand into the pocket of his jeans,“Here. These are yours.”“No, they’re not.” You blurted with a slight shake of your head. He nodded and pushed them out again,“Well, they’re not mine. So, take them.” He sighed. There were so many questions floating around in your head as you grabbed the objects from him. Why was he giving back his hoodie to you? Why did he bring you to the roof to do that? It would've been easier to mail them. You swallowed holding them to your chest looking down at the concrete covered in light gravel.“That’s why you brought me up here?” You whispered,“Yes.” Just when you thought your heart couldn’t break anymore, it shattered in your chest. You pressed the items to you tighter feeling the box prick against your collarbone. Yoongi gave a final nod and turned around walking back to the exit. This was it. The last goodbye. Once he walked off the roof, it was over. You didn't want that.“That’s what you wanted to talk about?!” You cried wanting him to stay, wanting him to yell at you. To force you to speak. Anything because this was killing you, “You wanted me to have this?”“Like I said, Trainee,” Yoongi said coolly with his back still facing you, making your heart tighten, “Those are not my things.”“This hoodie is yours!” You shouted walking forward, stopping a few feet away from him, “And what the hell is in this box?”He sighed heavily and reached up putting his fingers through his hair, looking over his shoulder at you, “You wanted a gift from LA right? Well, that’s your gift.” Death would’ve been better than this. Yoongi bought you, the girl who’s been more than awful to him, who’s ignored him, probably hurt him, a fucking gift. While he was busy being an idol rehearsing, doing shows, and everything else, he took the time to buy you a gift. That realization took those pieces of your heart that were already shattered and ripped them up further. Yoongi took another step forward to the exit,“Stay.” You said quietly. The word fell into the silence of the night. He paused in his step. “Why?”“You should at least see me open it. If it’s a gift.” Yoongi turned around with his arms crossed waiting for you. You pressed your lips together and held the box in one hand wrapping his hoodie around your hips. You took the took the top off looking at a beautiful black velvet choker with a silver bunny charm. Its tail was made of a clear stone. As your finger ran against the charm you bit the inside of your cheek to keep the tears from falling out of your eyes. You took a few quick breaths before holding them. You can't cry. That's all you've done lately is cry about everything. You turned it over, and you couldn’t breathe. Engraved on the back of the already beautiful charm was the Korean symbols for Bunny. You grit your teeth holding the necklace to your chest then looked up at his blank face.“Why?” You trembled trying to hold yourself together,“Because you wanted something from LA.” He replied softly,“What if…what if I want something else?” You swallowed looking up at him trembling gently. You wanted to speak. You wanted to tell him everything. He raised an eyebrow and closed his eyes,“What do you want?”“I want to tell you a story.” Yoongi took a deep sigh and scratched his eyebrow nodding. You bit your bottom lip knowing that talking to him honestly, with all the truth you could muster would be the only way. You wanted him to know you, all of you. Even the parts that you hid away from yourself. You wanted to speak.“Once upon a time there was a girl. She lost her parents when she was little, but don’t worry a wonderful woman took her in and became her momma. It was her and momma against the world forever…and then momma found a man named Timothy. Timothy was going to be the little girl’s new father…” You paused taking a deep breath closing your eyes trying to force the tears back in, “Timothy was the answer to the little girl’s prayers. You see, Min Yoongi, all that little girl wanted was a father in her life. She had a momma, but she wanted a father too. At first, life was good with the little girl's new family. She had brothers and sisters that would come and stay for a while, plus a loving momma and father. Then something changed with father, and he started to be nasty to momma, treating her cruelly…” Your voice cracked as tears started to stream down, “He’d hit her, and abuse her and call her awful names all while blaming it on the girl. That man said she was trouble, a problem, a burden. For years…then he died. But during that time the little girl found a specific kind of music, from a land that wasn’t so far but wasn’t nearly close enough. She loved the colors, and the sounds, the people. Her momma introduced her, and it helped her not feel so alone. The little girl decided that she was going to make that kind of music whatever the cost, so she did…” You couldn’t stop the tears that were falling. You opened your eyes looking at Yoongi who looked alarmed, “That little girl ended up making her way to that different place even if she was so different herself. It was hard for her at first, so she put up big thick walls to keep everyone at bay, but some people made it past her walls without her permission. Those people were her wonderful friends. She was told that she was a problem for those friends by their big boss reopening those wounds, so she hid from them. And it hurt her. And she was dying inside. And the one person she grew to care for above all others was the one she hurt the most. And all she wants is him in her life! And she’s so sorry…I’m so sorry.” You cried somehow finding your way to him even though your vision was blurry with tears. You wrapped your arms around him and cried into his chest not caring if he didn’t want you to, or he was done with you. You needed him. You needed his warmth. You wanted him. You kept crying over and over that you were sorry like they were the only words you knew how to say. Yoongi wrapped his arms around you tightly his body shaking,“Y/N-ah…” He breathed, holding you tighter as if he was trying to tuck you inside of himself, “I’m so sorry that that happened to you. I’m so sorry. You are not a problem for me or a burden. I’m so sorry that Bang PD-nim said that to you, opening up old wounds. I’m sorry that that man hurt you. He’s lucky he’s dead already,” Yoongi’s voice turned into venom and you kept crying,“I’m sorry…” You babbled, “I’m sorry I ignored you, and pushed you away and hid from you…I’m sorry Yoongi. I’m sorry. But…please…please,” You looked up at him taking in shallow breaths, “Please say we can go back to the way it was. I want to be in your life.”Yoongi smiled at you softly, cleaning away your tears with his thumb, “Bunny, didn’t you say if I picked a nickname, you’d call me it forever?” You took a deep breath before a heavy sob escaped your lips nodding at him, “You mean so much to me…even when you do stupid shit like ignore me. It would’ve been easier to talk to me, but I understand. It wasn’t fun for me either having to ignore you back. I thought about you all the time trying to figure out what was going on with you, what I could do to help you…I will repeat this, and I suppose I'll say it whenever you need me too, you are important to me." You couldn't stop crying even if you wanted too. The words Yoongi were saying were soothing to your broken heart and soul. They were more beautiful than you thought you deserved, “Promise me that you won’t hide from me anymore I don’t think I can handle that again.”“I promise.” You hiccupped as he wiped more tears from your face, “I promise to be straightforward with you always.”“Good.” Yoongi smiled then sighed looking up at the sky, “But where do we go from here?”“I’ll get kicked out if Bang PD-nim thinks I’m bothering you…you all.” You said while taking a step back from him trying to clean the last few stray tears that fell down your face. You felt too hot being that close to him. He nodded,“I know. Namjoon told us. Why do you have to be so stubborn all the time! We could’ve come up with a plan.” Yoongi groaned pulling you close to him, wrapping his arms around your waist. You chuckled and put your head on his chest,
“Because I’m scared of you. Of getting too close and finding out that you are a monster.” You didn't mean to say that, but you were bold in the moonlight. Yoongi's gentle laugh relaxed you,“Well, we’re both fucked then. Because I’m scared of getting too close to you and finding out something worse than you are a monster.”“What’s worse than that?” You hummed a smile appearing on your face. You looked up at him, catching his eyes loving the way they shined in the moonlight. All of the stars in the sky reflected off his beautiful eyes. “That’s something for another night, Bunny.”“What is our plan seriously, Yoon?” You grumbled.“I don’t know. But we’ll figure it out.” Yoongi answered. You bit your bottom lip and moved from him. You felt like electricity was running up and down your body from his touch. He listened to you. Yoongi was honest and cared about how you felt. Yoongi knew how much all of this meant to you and didn’t take this lightly. Surely, you’d die after tonight because one minute your heart broke and the next your heart swelled. You didn’t know much about biology, but you knew that hearts shouldn't do that. Something had changed with you and Yoongi. For the better. No more running. No more forcing. Just honest thoughts and feelings. You smiled at him brightly and took a step back putting your arms out feeling so much better than you had in weeks. You turned to the right and walked to the edge of the building, “Why did you bring me up here?”“I thought that if this was the last time that I’d be able to speak to you it needed in a space that I find comfort in…especially because the person I find comfort in decided that I was no longer important.”
"That's not true, and you know it." You shook your head leaning against the railing staring at the splendor of Seoul. "I know it now, but what if you didn't want me anymore." His voice was quiet, and you realized he was just as scared as you were. While you were afraid that Yoongi was gone forever, he was fearful of the same thing. How awful you’ve been to him. How equally lucky you were to have him back.“I’ll want you always. I made a promise to you. Forever remember.” “You were the one who apparently forgot.” Yoongi chuckled leaning against the railing next to you. You nudged him smiling brightly, loving how gummy his smile was. How bright he was for you. You sighed peacefully leaning your head on his shoulder. You felt whole, “What are you thinking about?” His deep voice vibrated against your ear tickling you slightly,“Your eyes remind me of galaxies." You sighed, looking up into the infinite wonder of space. "They seem cold and dark on first glance, but the longer you stare into them…at them, there are these brilliant specks of light that lives in that darkness. They are beautiful. You are beautiful." Why the fuck did you say that?! It was the right answer…but it felt like the wrong time. Yoongi’s silence was asphyxiating. He asked you what you were thinking about and you answered. You are always thinking about Min Yoongi. Somehow your seonbae slipped into all of your thoughts, into your tightly woven heart and it felt right. As annoying as the phrase was, he fit you like a puzzle piece.“Thank you.” He smirked, “I appreciate your honesty, even if you are far more beautiful than all of the stars I’ve ever seen and probably ever will see.” Heat bloomed across your cheeks as you looked up at him in shock. He nodded and leaned forward his eyes locking with yours. You smiled widely leaning forward to him as he tilted your chin up with his index finger. You wanted this. You wanted what was coming next. Your eyes fluttered closed loving the smell of him, loving how close he was to you. A metallic clang scared you as you both looked to the door, watching Namjoon walk on the roof staring at his phone. You bit the sides of your tongue to stop yourself from screaming as you moved away from Yoongi quickly. Namjoon looked up then smiled sheepishly from the doorway as it shook violently. You forced a bright smile on your face taking a step forward away from Yoongi even though you wanted to frown. What the fuck was he doing here?“Ahh, I thought you’d be up here, Yoongi-hyung.” Then Namjoon looked over to you slightly confused, “Kitten! What are you doing here! Did you and Yoongi-hyung finally talk.”You glanced over to Yoongi and gave him a small smile nodding, “We did.”“Good." Namjoon smiled throwing his arm over your shoulder and pulling you close. You opened your eyes as big as they could go freezing in place. The kiss. His words. It all came flooding back to you. You swallowed and looked down at your feet not wanting to meet Yoongi's eyes.“What’s up, Joon-ah?” Yoongi wondered,"Oh. I was curious to see if you finished those files so I could bring them to Adora in the morning? I texted you, but you probably didn't see it." “Yeah. Yeah. I’ll go grab them in a minute.”"Okay, just give them to me back at the dorm. I'm taking Kitten home now." Namjoon stated. You raised an eyebrow and shook your head,“No, I’m okay.” You laughed patting his hand kindly, “Thank you though.”“You always say that. C’mon its late and I’m tired.” He whined starting to pull you to the door. You hissed while trying to get him to stop, but he kept talking and tugged you away. You looked at Yoongi the whole way who gave you a small smile telling you it was okay. You nodded and smiled giving him a tiny wave. Yoongi waved back with his two fingers. As he started to mouth something to you, a cloud drifted overhead covering him in darkness. The rooftop door closed before you had a chance to ask him what he mouthed. Namjoon finally released you when you were on the sidewalk outside of BigHit walking to the dorm. You huffed and crossed your arms over your chest beyond irritated that Namjoon stole you like that. You weren’t done talking to Yoongi. He looked over at you with a gentle smile that faded away when he saw your annoyance.“I’m sorry, kitten, but it is late. You can talk to Yoongi tomorrow.”“No. I can’t. You seem to keep forgetting that my time with you all is limited.” Namjoon grinned widely bouncing his eyebrows up, “But I’ve figured out a temporary solution to that.”“Is this like your last plan?” You put your shoulders back and pretended to push up your glasses in imitation of him, “Our plan is to not get caught, kitten.”“No!” He huffed, grabbing your hand and interlacing his fingers in it. You swallowed hard your cheeks flushing immediately, “This is a good plan. We can’t hang out together in public, but we can work together. What if you help us write a song? Bang PD-nim really liked your input, and I'm sure he'd be thrilled.”“Uh. I mean. I don’t know.” You breathed as your heart raced. Writing a song with Bangtan?! That would be beyond anything you deserved or expected, “It would be more than amazing to write an actual song with you guys but…” “Okay then, I’ll work on it first thing.” Namjoon grinned squeezing your hand. You nodded and put your thumb in your mouth chewing on the pad nervously. You’d be able to see them, hang out with them, have a reason to be in their lives.“Okay.” You mumbled with a smile. Namjoon stopped walking keeping you in place before looking away from you a slight rouge appearing on his cheeks. You blinked and tilted your head trying to figure what the holdup was. It was cold, and you were tired. Plus, you were hoping that nobody had woken up from the sleepover just yet.“What did you and Yoongi-hyung talk about?”Shock ran through your body as your ears became hot. You swallowed and tried to shrug nonchalantly, “You know. Everything.” You forced a light laugh out, “He was pretty irritated that I was ignoring you guys.”“That’s all?” Namjoon whispered as if he knew something you didn’t. You raised an eyebrow and took a step closer to him,“That’s all. Why?”Namjoon hummed as he looked at the hoodie that hung off your hips before smiling and squeezing your hand once more, “It’s nothing…just me over thinking things." “Okay…” You said as Namjoon started to walk forward to your dorm again feeling slightly uneasy. Namjoon was silent the whole way back making you anxious. You watched him chew on his bottom lip in thought. He'd turn to you every once in a while, and give you a reassuring smile, but he was focused on something. The way his eyebrows furrowed and how his lips were pressed into a line made you think it was something that he didn't want to share. You had a good idea it was about you and Yoongi. When you arrived at your dorm, Namjoon gave a tight smile before kissing your cheek and walking away. You tucked your bottom lip into your mouth biting it hard. You had a horrible feeling. The feeling didn’t go away even when you slid back into the mattress on the floor next to Tae. You grabbed onto his arm trying to calm yourself. Nothing was the matter. It was fine. Everything was fine. You took a deep breath and closed your eyes.“Did you talk to him?” Tae whispered,“Yes.” You smiled. Tae pulled you over to him and placed your head on his chest,“Good.” He yawned while tapping your head, “Go to sleep.” When the sun finally rose, you weren't holding anyone. Tae must've snuck away before dawn. Smart move on his part but Marina was devastated. The whole time you were in the shower getting ready she was complaining that she didn't get to say her name. You wrapped the towel around your body and came out to the living room with the toothbrush still in your mouth,“He knows who you are,” You laughed mid brush, “I talk about my family all the time.”“Sure! Great. Of course!” Marina groaned throwing her hands in the air, “But like Kevin got to introduce himself. And me? I get dragged off like I’m some type of trash.”
“You said it, not me.” Kevin chimed in from your bedroom. You brushed your teeth harder to keep yourself from laughing. Marina smirked and sat on the kitchen counter,“You seem better.”“Must be because you guys are here.” You smirked walking into the bathroom and spitting out the foam."I don't think that's true, but if that's what you want to say then I will believe it, big sis!" Kevin cried with a chuckle. You rolled your eyes and rinsed your mouth out quickly before walking into your room and kicking him out. As you got dressed you smiled at yourself in the mirror. You hated admitting it, but they were right. You were feeling better, lighter…you were feeling a bit like yourself again. You didn't want to think that spilling all of your guts all over Yoongi had anything to do with it, but of course, it did. Yoongi held all of your secrets now. He knew about your stage fright, about your childhood, about everything. A soft buzzing came from your bed, as your phone started to get incoming messages. You threw on a big t-shirt looking at the phone with a slight sigh.|Joon: Dare time!|Y/N: What does that mean? Marina's scream made you drop your phone, and you ripped your door open running to the living room. Marina was standing there with her mouth agape pointing at Namjoon who always managed to come at the wrong time. Kevin looked over his shoulder to call for you then looked you up and down pointing at your lower half. Namjoon smiled at you, then looked down slowly before covering his eyes his face flushed. You looked down and groaned loudly running back to your room trying to find your sweatpants before chaos really started.“What are you doing here?!” You yelled while falling back on your bed trying to get into your pants.“It’s time for your dare!” He chuckled back, still covering his eyes, “Is it okay to look yet?”“Yes.” Marina breathed with a wide grin, “NO!” You screamed finally managing to get your pants on completely,“Bunny…” Kevin started leaning against the couch, “Do you often have famous people waltzing to your dorm at any hour?”“No.” You sighed putting your hair into one giant poof and walking into the living room, “But apparently they don’t know how to respect my privacy.” "Bunny?" Namjoon questioned opening up his fingers then grinning at you. He walked over to you as you crossed your arms over your chest wholly annoyed at the situation."Only family calls me that." You sighed waving it off. It didn't sound right coming from his lips. You didn't know you had a set line, but there were only a few people that were allowed to call you that and Namjoon wasn't one of them, "You get to call me Kitten."“Stop it!” Marina cried walking over to you and Namjoon, “He calls you Kitten. That’s so fucking cute. I can’t handle it! When did you two start dating?” You winced at the question. You hadn't. And you didn't want to talk about the idea. Not now. Maybe not ever. The kissing and the holding hands were enough for now. You shook your head and waved your hands back and forth. Namjoon just laughed gently blushing hard shrugging,“We’re very good friends.” He said,Marina raised an eyebrow and nodded, “Okay, very good friends. It’s nice to meet you in real life…that’s Kevin.” You wished you were close enough to wrap your hands around her neck.“Nice to meet you guys too.” Namjoon smiled while bowing, “Do you mind if I steal her away for a bit?”"I mind!" You groaned raising your hand in the air waving it back and forth, "I mind! I've only got a few more days with them, and you can't just pop up and take me somewhere. I swear! You are so smart, but you don't get it sometimes.""Lovers quarrel." Marina gushed putting her hands over her heart. You and Kevin rolled your eyes while Kevin walked over to her putting his hand over her mouth,“I get it fine.” Namjoon exhaled, “I just thought that you’d want a replacement for the shirt you gave back.” Thank God he said the last part in Korean. He smiled at you cheekily. You looked him up and down before narrowing your eyes at him.“Does it have to be right now?” You replied back in his tongue.“No…” Namjoon grumbled, “I’d like it to be now though if I have any say in it.” Marina grumbled through Kevin’s hand while Kevin shushed her patting her soft brown hair. You looked at the two of them then back at Namjoon covering your eyes with your hands.“Would you mind if I hang out with Namjoon for like an hour? Then I promise that you’ll have me to yourself until you leave.”Marina pushed Kevin’s hand off and smiled, “Sureeeeeee…it customary for you to call your boyfriend oppa.”“Even if he were my boyfriend, I still wouldn't call him oppa." You hissed. You didn't understand what Marina was getting at. Even her questions with Tae yesterday were strange for her. She smiled at you innocently, and you walked to your room grabbing a jacket quickly before joining Namjoon again, "I’ll meet you there. Just tell me where you want to go.”“You don’t want to go together?” Namjoon whined. You raised an eyebrow and crossed your arms over your chest,“This is what I mean, Joonie. If I’m caught…” He nodded his head mumbling the rest of the line to you, “I’ll meet you there.” You felt like a broken record. How many times did you have to repeat yourself to Namjoon? Yoongi heard you last night and understood immediately. “Okay. Meet me at my studio.” Namjoon smiled heading to the door. You nodded and gave him a tight smile ushering him out of the dorm. You closed the door, and a heavy sigh escaped your lips.“So, I’m assuming that we can’t come to your date.” Marina beamed."I'm going to murder you." You seethed while she hid behind Kevin laughter tumbling from her mouth. You loved her so much, but sometimes you wanted to love her to death. It felt a little weird for you to go to the private studios to see Namjoon. It had been you and Yoongi's sacred space, and time for so long this felt like a betrayal. You texted Namjoon that you were waiting outside and before you had a chance to put your phone in your pocket the door opened to his smiling face. As much as you tried to fight it, you smiled back at him warmly following him to his studio. Namjoon's studio was similar to Yoongi's with all of the knickknacks, but you felt a little cramped. He had so many shelves filled with those expensive toy bears that you didn’t even feel comfortable moving around. You couldn’t afford to pay for that. He walked in and sat down in a chair smiling,“Why do you look so awkward?”"I'm not moving in fear of accidentally knocking something over." You answered standing as still as possible.He waved the comment off and sat back crossing his arms over his chest, “I’m not worried about that. I have a few ways that you could pay off your debts if that happens.” You rolled your eyes and sat in the seat beside him waiting for whatever hell was awaiting you. Dares could be fun, but you felt in Namjoon's case, he had something that would be fun for him only. He grinned wider and gestured over to the couch. While you were utterly stunned when you walked in you missed the pile of clothes that were sitting Namjoon's sofa. “Pick one.” Namjoon cooed. You raised an eyebrow and crossed your arms over your chest pressing your back into the soft chair rolling chair,“Pick one? That’s it?”“Yup.” This felt like a trap. You narrowed your eyes at Namjoon again and stood up slowly making your way to the clothes. There were shirts, hoodies, button downs. Anything you might like. You picked them up gingerly before looking at him over your shoulder with your lips pursed,"Okay, …what's the catch. Why pull me away from my family to have me go through your old clothes as a replacement? Why not just give me a shirt you think would look nice on me?”“Because you have to try things on to make sure they fit right.” BINGO! You shook your head and dropped the shirt you were wearing shaking your head. There was no way in this life or the next you’d strip for Kim fucking Namjoon. What was he playing at?!“I’m not trying on clothes in front of you.” You said flatly, but your heart was racing cheeks flushed. His eyes got wide as he blushed looking away,“What? No! I mean…that’s not what I was getting at! I wouldn’t want you to do that…I mean not that I would mind seeing you like that…I mean I wouldn’t just mind, I’d like it…I mean…shit…I’m going to be quiet now.”"Good idea." A thick, awkward silence covered the room as the two of you refused to look at each other. You took a deep breath and chewed on the inside of your cheek, "So, what were you getting at then if it wasn't to get me to strip?"“I just wanted you to have something better than that Hawaiian shirt you took last time. I saw you had Yoongi-hyung’s hoodie back and felt that you needed something from me too.” He grumbled with a hint of jealousy on his tone. That explained his weird behavior while walking you home last night. You bit your tongue hard swallowing. If you had known that clothing was going to cause such a problem, you would’ve made Yoongi keep it. Namjoon had nothing to be jealous about. Just because the two of you kissed meant nothing. Or at least that’s what you’ve been trying to tell yourself.“I stole Yoongi’s hoodie.” Even though that statement was true, it felt more like a lie coming from your lips, " It's completely different than me asking you for an article of clothing."“I know, but now you can have more than one. You can have as many things as you want in that pile.”"I don't want your clothes. Namjoon," You sighed rubbing your temples, "I want to be able to be your friend without being kicked out of this place. It took me a long time to get here, and I’m still trying to figure some stuff out to stay here. I can’t just let you waltz in and ruin that no matter what we might feel.” Namjoon’s eyes opened wide. Fuck. Your. Stupid. Mouth! He started to smile gently,“Are you saying you feel the same way I do?”“I’m saying I liked kissing you that one time.” You sighed. Of course, Namjoon only heard the last part of what you said. He stood up slowly and made his way to you, looking at you with comforting warm eyes. Namjoon caressed your cheek before placing his soft lips on your forehead sighing,“I don’t think that’s true, but I’m not going to push you. When you tell me that you feel the same way I want you to be one hundred percent sure.”“When?” You breathed as your heart pounded, face warm, ears aflame, “Why are you so sure.”"Because you're mine. I may not be able to say it out loud, or act on it when I want too…but I know that you are mine.” He whispered leaning closer to you. Mine? Your core tightened as your ears became inflamed. Apart of you loved hearing that you belonged to someone else, that you had a home in that person but was it Namjoon you wanted to belong too? It was a lot of power to give to one person…the another part of you remembered your dream. “I don’t belong to you,” You mumbled, looking away from him."Maybe not now…" Namjoon started, pecking your cheek, "Or tomorrow…" his warm lips moved down your jawline connecting with your neck as shivers ran through your body, "Or maybe not even this year…but Kitten, I just have this feeling that we are going to be in each other’s lives forever.” He sucked and licked on your neck as you bit your bottom lip trying not to whimper or moan. Little did Namjoon know that was your favorite place to be kissed. You held his head against the spot curling your toes and arching your back. Namjoon pulled back and smiled softly before grazing your lips with his own, filling you with warmth. He pulled away slowly leaving you slightly stunned as he sat on the couch, beckoning you over with his playful smile that was all dimple. Heat filled your stomach as you felt yourself making another bad decision. You crawled into his lap and wrapped your arms around his neck, brushing your lips against his. He pressed harder against you, kissing you like you were the only thing that mattered in his world. Your hands grabbed the back of his shirt knotting it. Last time the two of you did this, you were so in the moment you didn't take the time to appreciate his taste or his smell. Your whole body throbbed wanting to be closer to him in a way you hadn't been close with a person ever. Namjoon pulled up your shirt, his fingertips rubbing against your stomach making you tremble as a moan fell from your mouth. Then, Yoongi's face appeared in your mind. You froze mid kiss realizing with such a sick horror that Yoongi could be in his studio right at this moment or even worse he could walk in. "We should…stop…" You said as Namjoon kept caressing his lips against your neck lower to your collarbone leaving wet kisses like stamps on your skin.“We should…” He chuckled, “But I don’t want too.”You pushed his face off you, leaving you cold and wanting, “What if someone walks in? You don’t have a lock like Yoon…” Namjoon sighed and fell back covering his eyes with his forearms.“You know this is partially my fault, right?” Namjoon sighed. You raised furrowed your eyebrows slowly sliding off his lap. His other hand kept you in place,“Go on…”“My last girlfriend was a trainee. Things were great until they weren’t…I wasn’t around a lot, I couldn’t be there for her when she needed me, and I decided to end things. She wasn’t happy about that at all and caused a problem. She was let go…Bang PD-nim doesn’t want the same mistake to happen again.” He groaned letting his arms slide down so you could see his soft eyes,“I'm not your girlfriend, and all I’m getting from that is that I’m not special.”“What?!” He gasped, “No! No! You are so special! I’m saying I’m sorry I caused you trouble.” “You like to pray on younger women huh?” You snorted. Namjoon pressed his lips into a thin line. You winked at him, “You didn’t cause me trouble. I didn’t cause you trouble. We’re just both in this weird thing you know.” “And what is this thing we’re in?”“I don’t know.” You sighed, “And that’s okay for now.” Namjoon nodded and pulled you closer, placing your head on his chest. His fingers ran up and down your neck, as you shifted trying to find a comfortable spot. It wasn't comfortable like with Yoongi. You kept moving until finally, you found a place you fit. He rocked you slowly as if he was trying to lull you to sleep. You sat up a little and rubbed your eyes,“I should go.”“Stay. Just a little longer?” He pleaded. You pushed yourself off of him and shook your head,“I can’t. What if Jimin or Hoseok walk in? What if Bang PD-nim walks in?” What if Yoongi walked in…You didn’t want to hear him scold you for being so foolish, “I’m going to take my dare and head back to my family.” “Okay.” The sadness in his tone made you wince. You smiled at him and leaned down kissing his cheek lightly. With a promise to talk to him tomorrow and two shirts in tow, you left his studio praying that nobody saw you exit. As quickly as your family got here, it was suddenly the night before their departure. You and your family sat in a restaurant that the plates cost more than Marina’s college tuition…all funded by this mysterious boss Momma had. You weren’t looking for a new father, but he might do in a pinch.“Are you sure you don’t want me to take you to the airport tomorrow?” You asked Momma.“With what vehicle? No, like true Koreans we will take the train.” She answered with a grin. You nodded slowly,"I guess then tonight is goodbye for now…”“Aww, you gonna miss us?” Kevin winked,“I always miss you.” You looked to your left at Marina who took a graceful sip of water. Marina had been mysteriously good the last two days. She didn’t question what you and Namjoon did while you were gone. She stopped speaking about Bangtan altogether. It was sweet but strange. Kevin, on the other hand, had started asking about your bandmates. Specifically, Jiho. He talked about how amazing she was, how well she could speak English. Then he casually mentioned how pretty she was while shoving his face with potatoes. When you called him out on his little crush his face turned bright red, and you snapped a picture. Marina leaned close to you and narrowed her eyes, “Why do you have a hickey?” Marina questioned poking the bruise on your neck. You screamed and put your hand over the spot looking at her with horror,“A WHAT?!”“A hickey…did you get that from Yoongi or Namjoon?” She smirked evilly,“I’m not doing this with you. Where the fuck is my makeup…and why would you suggest Yoongi?” You huffed reaching for your bag starting to look for anything to cover it up. A scarf, makeup, maybe brand new skin.“Language.” Momma sighed, “I swear you two have the worst potty mouths I ever heard.”
“Want me to get some soap, Momma?” Kevin suggested, taking a sip of his tea. You rolled your eyes going deeper into your bag knowing nothing was in there. You didn’t even think about a possible hickey while Namjoon kissed your neck. Fucking scamp. Probably did it on purpose. “Sweet, sweet, baby sister Bunny. You don’t even know what goes on in your own head do you?” Marina laughed patting your cheek. You puffed your cheeks out and sighed deciding to let the comment go. You didn’t want to say goodbye to your family, but it was time. They came right when you needed them. Sure, sometimes Marina was annoying as fuck, but she did help you come to a realization. You didn't need to run from everything. You didn't need to be afraid. You had to stand where you thought you belonged and stay steady in that. You wanted to be here more than ever before.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
If someone told you that at some point in your day, you were going to end up on your knees, you wouldn't believe them. Yet, there you were with your head pressed hard against the floor of Bangtan's dorm begging for forgiveness that you didn't deserve. The beginning of your day started utterly normal for your standards. You called your momma making sure that she was dealing with the jet lag fine, it had been a few days since they left. You practiced your songs and routines. You even found time to write some new stuff. Then Tae texted you and begged you to come to the dorm. You went obediently because you had been a terrible friend lately and basically needed to whatever he said for the rest of your life. When you walked through the back door and saw most of Bangtan, you knew you were in for something. Four out of six idols started at you with their arms crossed over the chest. Namjoon was missing. You grimaced looking over to Yoongi. His smirk told you that you were in trouble.“Oh, look it’s the girl making my hyungs sad.” Jungkook hissed. You opened your eyes wide and did the only thing you could, you dropped to your knees. Begging for forgiveness was something that made your skin crawl and stomach churn, but for them, …you'd beg forever. “I’m sorry, oppas!” You cried squeezing your eyes shut pushing your head against the floor, "I've been a horrible little sister, and I deserve whatever punishment you see fit. I hope that you can –"“Aish. Get up! Kookie, what did we say about being mean?” Jin sighed, helping you up, “You never have to get on your knees to apologize…” You looked up at him and nodded feeling a smile about to appear on your face, “because if you are on your knees, I can’t yell at you properly! What were you thinking?!”"I thought we weren't supposed to be mean, hyung." Jungkook groaned rolling his eyes. Jin shot him a look, and Jungkook put his hands up taking a step back. Jimin snickered nudging his younger before putting his fingers through his hair and smiling at you gently,“Are you going to answer me, Y/N-ah?” Jin said pulling you back to his attention,“Uh…I mean…didn’t Joonie give you the details?” You smiled sheepishly taking a step back from him, “Oh no, missy, where do you think you are trying to run too?” Hoseok laughed shaking a finger at you,“I mean. I am totally not running…any…where…” You looked to Yoongi with a slight nod. He raised up his eyebrows and smiled large knowing exactly what you were about to do. You took a deep breath and winked at Tae, “Yet.” You counted to three in your head then broke into a run around the boys grinning. If you could make it into Yoongi or Namjoon's room, you'd be fine. You zipped through the living room laughing at the top of your lungs.“Where do you think you’re going!” Jungkook cried. That was the one you needed to watch for. He was fast, and he was taller than you. But you had caught them a bit by surprise. You heard someone yell at you how reckless it was to run in someone’s house. You slipped around the corner covering your mouth trying to keep your giggles in check. From the kitchen out popped Jimin with his arms open,"I've gotcha!" He laughed. You tried to slow down and backpedal but ended up slipping on falling on your ass. You hissed and looked up at him as Jimin was doubled over with laughter. You took his laughter as an advantage, getting up as fast as you could and darted through the kitchen. You found yourself back in the living room looking at the older members of Bangtan. Jin stood there with his arms crossed looking slightly irritated. Yoongi and Hoseok were speaking amongst themselves, clearly leaving you to be disciplined by their elder."Y/N-ah," Jin said, his voice making the hair on the back on your neck stand up.“Yes, oppa.” You mumbled walking forward and taking a deep breath ready to accept your stern talking too,"Do you remember when I said that we should treat you like family? I said that because you are our family. Family doesn’t give up when it’s tough, they band together. If you are going to be a part of our family, you need to realize that we talk about our problems as a big group even when they are difficult! This all could’ve been avoided, Y/N-ah! Nobody had to avoid anyone, there didn’t have to be moping members around the house.” Jin scolded. You nodded and stood there taking his angry words that you knew were full of love, “Friends and family aren’t there just for the good times. They are there for the bad times and for the times you feel like you are coming undone. It may be hard, but you have to try.” Loud talking came up from behind you. The maknae line found their way to you, but stopped from the glare coming from Jin, “We want to help you in any way we can. But we can’t help if…”“I don’t say anything. I know. And I am so sorry I caused you any problems or pain. I’ll take whatever punishment you see fit.” You cut in. Hoseok perked up looking over at you with a smirk, “Punishment?”“Be careful what you ask for…” Yoongi yawned stretching up while walking to the couch. He laid on it closing his eyes, “Wake me up when it’s over.”“When what’s over…” You grimaced, "You're punishment, little sister…" The makene's said together behind you. You looked over your shoulder at their mischievous faces wondering what the fuck you just got yourself into. They started walking over to you slowly, and you backed up looking around the room for some help,“Wait!” You cried with your hands up, “I said I’d take whatever punishment Jin-oppa sees fit. Not from you three.”“I think whatever they can come up with would be a fine lesson for you.” Jin chuckled gently pushing you in their direction. Tae grabbed your arms and pulled you with him.“Wait…uh…please…I’m sorry! Did I mention that I’m sorry! Cuz I am. I’m sorry!” You whined trying to pull yourself from the abnormally strong Tae. Jimin leaned over and whispered in something into Jungkook’s ear. Jungkook looked ecstatic about whatever Jimin told him, and that made you nauseous.“Too late to say sorry now…” Jungkook sang a la Justin Bieber as you were tugged into Tae’s room.Tae sat you on the bed as the three of them stood there looking back and forth between each other. You opened your mouth to say something when Jimin put his finger out and put his arms around his brothers. They started to huddle and whisper, then look up at you, then back down. Now would be your time to disappear. You pushed yourself up slowly,“Where are you going?” Tae beamed as they broke apart. You sighed and sat back down, crossing your arms and legs,“Apparently nowhere.” You grumbled.“We’ve got your punishment ready. If you chose to accept it…” Your best friend hummed,“She had no choice but to accept it. She made our hyungs sad!” Jungkook cried,“She has a choice. Everyone has a choice.” Jimin nodded. You smiled at him. He was your personal savior. You mouthed thank you to him before he snickered at you, “You, little one, often make the wrong choice.”
“I know! Do you live in my head, Jimin?” You laughed throwing your hands in the air. The youngest members of Bangtan laughed with you, “Alright, what’s my punishment gentlemen.” Jungkook's eyes sparked, and you knew what your punishment was. He had been waiting for a moment like this since you met him and now, he was going to get exactly what he wanted. You bit down on your tongue as you watched him speak, but it sounded like slow motion, “You have to call us all oppa!” A loud groan came from your throat as you pressed your lips together, “All of you in this room? Or all of Bangtan? Also, is this for the rest of today or how long does this go for?” The maknae’s looked at each other with confusion. They weren’t prepared for you to have follow up questions. Jungkook scratched the back of his head and swallowed laughing sheepishly as the other two looked at him for answers. You yawned and tapped your lip with your finger,"Cuz to be perfectly honest," You started in English, "I call Tae oppa already when it's just him and me, so I guess that's fine. But I just don't call you, Jungkook-seonbae, oppa out of principle at this point. I think what I shall do is call everyone but you oppa Jungkook-seonbae, is that okay?"“I hate when she does this.” Jungkook sighed,Jimin giggled covering his mouth, “I think it’s funny.”“Well do we have a deal?” You smiled switching back to Korean.“No! I don’t know what you said!” Jungkook rolled his eyes, “Your punishment is…”“Calling everyone oppa. Got it. Thank you so much oppas!” You beamed standing up and walking out of the room leaving them bewildered. You walked back to the living room looking at Hoseok sitting at the dining room table reading a book. Yoongi was still laying on the couch, his chest moving up and down slowly while he was napping. You found the sight beautiful and could imagine yourself writing music as he slept in your lap. A fever found its way to your cheeks as you pushed away from the thought and realized Namjoon was nowhere to be seen. You sat down across from Hoseok putting your head on your fist,“Hi, Hoseok-oppa.”He chuckled and flipped the page without looking up at you, “That’s what their punishment was? How boring.”“My thoughts exactly.”"I could give you a better one if you'd like." He looked up at you with a slight smirk. Hoesok was the one member of Bangtan you didn't spend a lot of time with. He was always kind to you, accepting of your place in the new family unit you all created but it always seemed like he was in on a joke that nobody would tell you about.“No. I’m good.”"I'm sure Namjoon will be pleased to hear oppa come from you," Hoseok said pointedly. You sat very still for a moment trying to see if he was teasing or if he was insinuating something. He couldn’t know…right? Namjoon wouldn’t have told him about your various activities. Hoseok smiled widely waiting for your answer.You swallowed and laughed lightly, “Yeah, I’m sure. Because Namjoon is my big brother…you all are my oppa.” “But you know there is a difference between oppa and oppa, right?” He asked slyly.“Of course, I know the difference but what does that have to do with calling Namjoon that. I would mean it in the sibling way.” You rolled your eyes and looked away from him.“I don’t think he would want you to mean it that way.” The world stopped once more. Hoseok knew about Namjoon’s feelings for you! You looked around the room glancing at a still sleeping Yoongi and swallowed. Did only Hoseok know? Dread started to seep in knowing how close they all were…did they all know? Your stomach lurched forward at the thought.
“How long have you known?” You asked leaning forward your voice a small whisper. Hoseok smiled and crossed his legs.“I’m not an idiot. Namjoon gets a certain way when he's found someone he cares for deeply. But with you, it's on ten.” You frowned harder swallowing, “It’s like cringy cute you know.”“This is beyond embarrassing…” You said as you turtled in your shirt.“I just didn’t know he confessed to you already. I thought he was going to at least try not to make the same mistakes.” “Brand new person…same ol mistakes…” You mumbled through the fabric. Hoseok smiled then looked behind you for a second,“I shouldn’t say mistakes. Joonie feels hard and gets swept up in them, just don’t let him sweep you too far with him. Remember what you came here to do.”“Always.” You grinned, “Always.”"I HAVE A WAY BETTER PUNISHMENT!" Jungkook cried sliding into the living room. You shook your head and sighed deeply,“You are gonna wake Yoongi-oppa. Shush.” You snickered putting your finger on your lips. Jungkook shook his head with a large grin on it,"I was talking to Jimin he came up with the best punishment, but we can’t do it until Namjoon gets back.”“But I may be gone before he gets back. My clock doesn’t start and stop with Namjoon.” You hissed standing up. Hoesok snorted and coughed into his hands what sounded like ‘yet.’ You pursed your lips and ignored him staring at the youngest member of Bangtan. Jungkook grinned like a cat that had caught something for the first time, “Namjoon-oppa, you mean. But anyway! This punishment is way better than the one we came up with, so this is an additional thing.”“Fine.” You huffed, looking over his shoulder at Tae. Tae shrugged at you and walked up standing beside Jungkook. Jimin walked out of the hallway slowly tapping on his phone,
“I think I have it all. Now we just need Namjoon-hyung.” Jimin smiled before looking up.“Why?” You groaned crossing your arms.“Because it involves all of us. Think of it like musical chairs. When we call out a name, you have to sing or rap one of their verses." Jungkook grinned looking so pleased with himself.“This is dumber than the last punishment.” You groaned, “I don’t know your lyrics like that…”“We will see won’t we little one.” The youngest idol beamed walking over to you and pat your head, right on your middle part between your buns. You pushed his hand back about to snap at him not to touch your hair, but you were here apologizing. You’d let it slide this one time.“Fine. We’ll wait for…" You slowly stopped talking as Namjoon walked through the back door. Namjoon looked around the room, and when his gaze finally landed on you, he started grinning uncontrollably. He looked at you like you were the only person in the world. Warmth began to press against your cheeks as you coughed crossing your arms over your chest. He needed to be less obvious all the time!"I did it," Namjoon said while nodding, the grin never left his face. You raised an eyebrow at him as he walked over to you, "It's done. I did it."“Hyung, what are you talking about?” Jimin questioned.“It! Meet our new songwriting partner!” He hollered holding his arms out to you. “Wait…” You breathed starting to put the pieces of what he was saying together, “Seriously? This isn’t a joke right…I’m…I’m okay to write music with you!”"Yes!" Namjoon chuckled looking so proud of himself. You launched yourself at him wrapping your arms around him tightly laughing into his chest. He held on to you, and you found yourself being spun around as the two of you screamed together. Namjoon fucking did it! You were going to write music with Bangtan! You could hang out with them for a reason! You didn’t have to sneak around! You screamed full of happiness into his body, “What is all of the yelling for?” Jin cried, appearing from the kitchen. You raised an eyebrow. Maybe Jin lived there instead of his bedroom."I'm not sure…Y/N is going to write music with us?" Tae's voice was full of curiosity. You realized what a spectacle that you were making with Namjoon and hit him a few times to let you down. When Namjoon finally put you down, you turned around with a sheepish grin on your face, hoping that the sight wasn't too ridiculous.“Yeah! Namjoon,” You sighed and mumbled, “Namjoon-oppa…created a reason for me to hang out with you guys without a big problem. I’m really…thankful.”“Congrats.” Yoongi’s voice caused you to look over to him as a soft panic started to run through your systems. You had no reason to be afraid of his reaction! You didn’t do anything weird, but you were worried none the less. Did he see you and Namjoon acting like fools together? Would he care? You thought that his pale face would hold a scowl on it, but he looked pleased. The relief you felt couldn’t be explained.“Cool, cool…” Jungkook began, “But more importantly you complete your punishment.”"Say punishment one more again, and I swear!" You laughed knowing nothing that Jungkook could do to you now would dull your mood. Jungkook narrowed his eyes at you and leaned forward a bit before giving a gentle nod. He then turned around quickly and started running through the house trying to find the missing brothers, so they could all participate in the game he created. Yoongi stood up and stretched up, the yellow hoodie he was wearing lifting up ever so slightly showing off a little bit of his pale skin and the top of his boxer shorts. Your lips parted, and you took a quick breath in realizing that you were just staring at him. You blinked horrified mentally kicking yourself for doing that! What was going on with you?! You looked away quickly around the room before seeing Namjoon. You walked over to him and gave a tight, awkward smile. He raised an eyebrow at you and shook his head playfully as Jungkook found all of his brothers and sat them in the living room. You stood before your Bangtan family while they looked among themselves, before looking at Jungkook. The youngest idol’s eyes got large as he realized that people were waiting on him. He swallowed and chuckled sheepishly, "OKAY! I'm going to call out a name, and you're gonna do your favorite verse of theirs.”“Bonus points if you do a good imitation.” Hoesok chuckled.“Last time to let me bow out of this gracefully…” You offered, “You are going to be sorely disappointed that I don’t know your music as well as you think I do. I am not ARMY. Now if this was Big Bang. Completely different story.” Yoongi looked over to you with an eyebrow raised and tilted his head slightly.“What?!” The maknae’s gasped, “Are you serious? You like Big Bang better than us.” Jungkook finished slightly offended. Jimin’s eyes were so large you thought they might fall out.You sighed and sunk to the floor, "They were out before you. You aren't fair about this. There is no need to be jealous. As much as I want, I'm not going to run away to marry G-Dragon, T.O.P, or Taeyang…until they come out of the army at least.” “You can’t get married to anybody without our permission!” Jin hollered looking horrified as if you were about to get married to some stranger. Namjoon snorted and covered up his smile crossing his legs.“I’m sorry what?” You asked completely confused by that outburst.“You can’t marry anyone without our permission,” Jin said again like it was the simplest thing in the world.
“Jin-Oppa. Don’t you remember? I’m Bangtan’s kitten.” You winked and loved the collective groan that came all of them, “But seriously, I’m too young for that. I have a lot to accomplish before I can even think about that and the first is to debut.”Jin smiled widely and nodded, “Okay. That’s a good answer. But when you are ready to get married…perhaps to someone very close to you, you have to run it through us first.”“You got it.” You mumbled, looking away hating how hot your cheeks became. Did Jin know about Namjoon too?! Ugh! You wanted to sink into the floor.“Do you have a thing for rappers?” Tae questioned. You snapped your eyes over to him shaking your head slowly,
“No. I don’t have a thing for rappers! GD just has swag and aura around him. And that smile! TOP is tall and hot, and his voice is deep, and oh my God I'm not explaining why they are my biases or whatever. This is stupid. I'm done playing this game." You got up quickly heading to the door, "I'm going home." The laughter from the maknae line sank into your skin, making every inch of you aflame. You heard one of them talk about you having a sweet tooth and didn’t want to know what that meant. Fucking hell! You don’t have a thing for rappers. And of course, the way you described TOP could be a direct way to describe Namjoon. You stopped and grumbled the whole way back to your dorm feeling your phone buzz in your pockets. You knew for a fact it was Namjoon with some smug bullshit. |Joon: I’m so relieved I’m your type.
|Y/N: I’m so relieved I hate you
|Joon: Keep telling yourself that, Kitten.|Bestie Tae: Why’d you leave?! We didn’t finish!
|Y/N: I was finished.
|Bestie Tae: *Crying face emoji* *Crying face emoji* *Crying face emoji*
|Y/N: I love you. I'll hang out with just you, and we can get cake.|Yoon: Why do Jimin and Kookie keep insisting you have a sweet tooth?
|Y/N: I dunno. Why do they do anything they do?
|Yoon: Good point.
|Yoon: Hey.
|Y/N: Yeah?
|Yoon: I’m really proud of you. I didn’t get to tell you that during the session. I’m glad that Bang PD-nim is giving you this chance. Well, there goes all and any of the chill you had left. The noise that escaped your lips sounded like a squeal and the letters ‘uwu’ had a baby. He was proud of you! You held the phone to your chest tightly almost if you were hugging him. You desperately wanted his arms around you and telling you that over and over again.|Y/N: I promise to keep making you proud. That word kept coming up with Yoongi. Promise to call him a name forever. Promise to keep making him proud. Promise. Promise. Typically it's a word that's thrown around without a thought, but with him…anytime you said it you meant it to your core. Because you owed him everything in a sense. What would your world look like if he didn’t teach you lessons? If he didn’t accept you? It’d be a sadder, quieter place. A place you were glad that you didn’t have to live in. All because of him. And Tae of course. And Namjoon…and all of them. You slid the key into your door pausing for a second because you think you might actually be in love with Bangtan as a whole and that would classify you as ARMY. Fuck if you’d let Jungkook know that. “WAIT!” Yoonsook screamed as you started to open the door, “Give us a second!”"I thought you said she wasn't going to be home for a minute," Hosung whispered. You peered through the crack hoping to see something good, but all you saw was Yoonsook pull down her shirt and move from on top of her boyfriend. You rolled your eyes and barged through the door covering your face with your hands, "Don't worry. I didn't see anything. Maybe next time keep the hanky-panky to your room." “Hanky panky?” She questioned.You spread your fingers apart to see the two of them trying to sit on the couch innocently, like you didn’t almost walk in on them doing whatever they were about to do, “Yeah, it means fooling around.” “We weren’t fooling around!” Hosung sat up quickly, his voice going up an octave. You nodded at him and gave a thumbs up.“Sure. If you say. All I’ll say is at least someone is getting something in this apartment.”“Weren’t you the one with a hickey a few days ago?” Yoonsook teased with a raised eyebrow.“Ugh don’t remind me!” You grumbled sitting in the empty spot on the couch,“You ever gonna tell me who gave that to you.”“Yep. When I die.”“Then, my lovely roommate,” Yoonsook began, “Prepare to die!”“Is this really necessary?” Hosung sighed, moving away from the playful fight that was brewing near him. You began to answer him when you felt Yoonsook lung for you. You backed up quickly and hopped off the sofa running around your apartment. Why are people chasing you so much today? Yoonsook chased you around the apartment like the both of you were five years old, the only other noise besides the laughter and screaming was Hosung’s heavy sighs from the dining room table. Somehow, she cornered you and wrapped her arms around you tightly, squeezing you with all the strength she could muster. You kept hitting her arm saying you’ll tell her! It was on the fifth 'you'll tell her' she let go and looked at you with big hopeful eyes. You smirked and took the opportunity to dart under her arm running into your bedroom. You cackled as you locked the door on her. Yeah, as if you'd tell her who gave you that hickey. Although having your sleep back was good for you as a trainee, you’d missed your lessons. You kept thinking about how to ask Yoongi to start them back up again during your rehearsal with your group. You knew the answer was merely to ask, and he'd say yes, but you wanted it to be unique in a way. This was your third time coming to him about lessons, each time they were stopped by you, so you had to let him know that his time wasn't in vain. “Hey – pay attention.” Miyung sighed as she leaned against the mirror watching the group dance. You gave her a small apologetic smile and focused on the choreography. You made your way to the front about to start your rap. You mouthed the words to your own voice, a sensation you don’t think you’ll ever get used too.“Ladies! Do you mind stopping for a moment?” Dodo cried as he sped through the door pushing up his glasses with his middle finger.“I don’t think we have a choice when you enter like that.” Jiho laughed,"Yeah, I think we can take five." You said looking around the room for confirmation. They nodded and sat down on the floor looking at Dodo. Heeae took a swig of her water bottle playing with the hem of her shorts.“What’s up?” Yeonjoo smiled leaning against the wall pushing her glasses."Bang PD-nim had a great idea to do a little competition between the created groups. Nothing serious. In a month you'll all perform in front of everyone much like the exhibition. Except there will be a winner claimed – and that winner will perform as an opener to Bangtan at one of their Seoul concerts.”“What?!” Heeae breathed looking around the room. Everyone’s face was the same. Happy. Shocked. Impressed. Dodo grinned,“Yes! And I’m not saying that winning the competition will help cement your spot to debut, but it certainly can’t hurt if you do.”"Do we perform our song or…?” You questioned. There felt like there was some loophole that you were missing."All Bang PD-nim has required of the groups participating in this competition perform a song from Big Hit's public catalogue," Dodo replied. He looked at all of the girls in the room beaming from ear to ear.“Got it. So, either a Homme or a BTS song.” You replied, before putting the pad of your thumb in your mouth chewing on it slowly,“We get to pick the song? That’s so cool! We should do RUN or Best of Me!” Jiho looked at the rest of the girls for approval.“It doesn’t matter what song you guys pick. It just has to be good. Alright! I’ll let you guys think, I gotta go prep for this RUN episode.” He announced rushing out as quickly as he came. A group competition. Winner takes all? You smirked. You liked that. You may not wish to perform before a crowd, but man there was something about being named a winner that got your engine running. You were practically salivating at the idea of being named the winner.“What do we know about the other groups?” You looked up at Miyung, “I have an idea, but I need to know what they are like first."“Um. Group B – ST.A.R is really girly and has seven people in it.” She said narrowing her eyes on you trying to figure out what you were getting at,“Okay go on. What about C and D?” Jiho coughed and started to speak, “Group C also known as Sea. They a bit more rock than I think BigHit was anticipating them to be. There are four girls in that group.”“Group D is the most like us and still goes by Group D. Five girls. Hip-hop base. But from what I heard they don’t get to edit their lyrics or make the music.” Miyung continued.“So, we are truly special then.” You grinned feeling an evil laugh start to bubble from your stomach. You rubbed your hands together looking at your team. You all could do this.“What is wrong with her?” Heeae whispered, getting up and walking to Miyung,
“You know she’s special.” Jiho laughed, “But seriously stop looking like that your face is gonna get stuck.”"We are going to do a medley. Maybe not of Bangtan's greatest hits. But the hardest, most ‘hip hop' sound. Group B, my bad ST.A.R, is gonna do DNA or Butterfly or something soft. Sea is gonna do something old old OLD Bangtan which you know what, more power to them. We have to outperform Group D. We will beat Group D.” “I like this.” Jiho grinned nodding up and down. You clapped your hands together,“I’ll work on the mix and parts during the break. As soon as I get all of that finalized, Miyung will work on the dance. It has to take the most iconic parts of them, and we make it us. We have to show tribute and then elevate.”“What songs?” Yeonjoo asked the room. You had a list already in your head, but it needed to be a group decision. Whatever the songs they had to be heavy hip-hop based, a part of Bangtan's classics, and have good parts for everyone."We have to do Mic Drop Remix," Heeae mentioned. “Oh, what about Not Today?” Miyung suggested. You grinned beckoning them over into a huddle, throwing your arms over Jiho and Heeae.
“And the final song is Crow Tit.” You said with a firm nod.“Ohhh, aggressive hip thrusts? I like it!” Jiho laughed.“Aggressive hip thrust into a booty pop, perhaps even a slut drop.” You teased.“Who made you the dance captain!” Miyung giggled winking at you. You bit your bottom lip and shrugged.“Guys. I’m going to ruin the vibe here but look at us. I think we’re an actual team!” Jiho smirked patting your back. You looked into Jiho's eyes and nodded your head once more feeling slightly embarrassed from the revlation. You looked into each of your member's eyes, Heeae…Yeonjoo then finally Miyung. This was your team. Your ladies. Jiho was right. The five of you were finally a team. You swallowed and looked down at your feet, “I know…that having me wasn’t your first choice, but I’m really happy to be your leader. I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure we win this.”“I think I may cry.” Heeae joked rubbing her eyes. Yeonjoo rolled her eyes and pushed her slightly with her shoulder,“Okay okay! I’m done with the mushy stuff! We aren’t finished with rehearsal either! C'mon back into your starting place. We are gonna start from the top – and if one of you messes up, we will do it again.” Miyung barked with a smile headed to her place against the mirror at the front of the room.“Jesus, she’s a demon.” Yeonjoo sighed,“Yes, but she’s our demon.” You beamed standing behind her with your hands up, “Also – did I mention how much I do not like how much time I’m in the front for this?!”“You did. I don’t care.” Miyung said with a slight shake of her head starting the music, “You have the lead singing solo and rap solo, you’re in front.”“Namjoon doesn’t have these problems!” You whined, moving your body to the beat of the song,"RM-seonbae doesn't have those problems because he's not the lead singer. If you don't pay attention, we are gonna start again, Y/N-ah!" She snapped. You smiled sheepishly taking your place in the front singing your part. The team rehearsed the song until it was damn near perfect. Which meant you were covered in a thick sweat trying to figure out why you decided that this was the way to be a producer. You muttered your goodbyes and good jobs as your only goal was to get back to your apartment to shower and sleep. Maybe Yoonsook was still around. She could probably carry you on her back. Your text tone went off, and you pulled it out slowly, your muscles and bones starting to get stiff.|Joon: Are you free in like an hour?
|Y/N: For?
|Joon: A quick writing session
|Y/N: Absolutely!
|Joon: Cool
|Joon: Meet at conference room 3 in an hour.
|Y/N: Okay! See you And just like that, you had energy again. The first writing session! You sped back to your dorm, making it there in record time. You threw on a big long-sleeve shirt and some skinny jeans, throwing all of your materials in a bag. Laptop, notebook, pens, portable keyboard…anything you thought you might need. You rushed out of the dorm waving Yoonsook goodbye as she entered. When you made it to conference room 3, you saw that it was empty. You walked in slowly then looked around, then to your phone. You were a little early, but you expected someone to be in the room. You sighed and started to text Tae if he was almost there.“You beat me!” Namjoon said behind you. You looked at him over your shoulder and watched him close the door.“Yeah…you caught me a good time.” You smiled, sitting down and starting to set your stuff up. You were slightly jittery, but you couldn’t help it. It was actually happening. You might actually get your name next to theirs in the liner notes or at least get a special thanks. You practically lit up thinking about ‘Special Thanks to our girl, Y.L.’“I’m glad. I’ve missed you.” He hummed getting in close and gently pressing his lips against your temple. You groaned and pushed him away quickly, your heart racing and a slight heat dancing across your skin."Aish! Jesus Namjoon! Literally, they could walk in at any second! You are so careless.”“Maybe,” He shrugged, “But a little reckless is good.”
“For you. You’re not the one who gets let go out of the two of us if anyone finds out about…” You trailed off not having a name to call whatever it was between the two of you.“I already told you. No matter what happens, I won’t let you get removed. So please…can you be a bit more reckless with me?” Namjoon laughed putting his arm over your shoulder,“No. I cannot! Can we talk about this later?” You mumbled pushing his arm off again,“I’d be happy to talk about this whenever you want.”“Great. Then not now.” Namjoon sighed loudly crossing his arms over his chest, pouting slightly like a child. You flipped open your notebook tapping your pen against the paper listening to the sounds of his sighs and the gentle hum of the heat pumping into the room. You looked at him again allowing yourself a bit of time. Those high cheekbones, soft lips, that neck that you really wanted to mark up the way he marked you but now was not the time. His hot chocolate eyes met yours as a grin began to appear on his lips. You knew you were in trouble when you felt yourself smiling back. For some reason, it was like a magnet with Namjoon. You didn’t want to kiss him, but you always found yourself kissing him. You were drawn to him in the most carnal way possible. You coughed and looked away, feeling his eyes running up and down your skin in the most ungodly way. You shivered and bit your bottom lip crossing your legs.“How long until the rest of the members come?” You asked hoping to have one of them as a buffer.“I don’t think they are coming…” He whispered in your ear, his voice husky. You sat very still as his lips pressed against your ear, his teeth grazing down your earlobe. You took in a shallow breath closing your eyes,“Wh..wh…what do you mean?” You swallowed, trying your hardest to keep yourself together. You could not make out with him with anyone able to come to the conference room."I missed you and figured you wouldn't come to see me without a little white lie." He muttered in between kisses on your jawline. His strong finger turned your face to his as his lips pressed against yours. Between the heat in the kisses and his fantastic smell, it was hard to keep yourself focused on the thought of white lie. White lie…WHITE LIE?! You groaned into the kiss and pulled back, eyes open wide, “Are you serious? This isn’t for an actual writing session?”Namjoon chuckled a bit and shrugged, "It can be in a moment if you'd let me finish kissing you." He moved to kiss your lips once more, and you turned your head quickly, his lips connecting with your cheek. He gave a frustrated grumble. This dumb fucking idol! How could you be so stupid! How could he?! Of course, if it were a real writing session, Tae would've been texting you how excited he was. Busting through the doors early with Jimin and Jungkook in tow. But there was none of that. All that was left was your anger at Namjoon. He raised an eyebrow as you narrowed your eyes at him standing up“I can’t believe you!” You spat.“What?”“You fucking lied to me!” You screamed in English. You squeezed your fists tight letting your nails prick against your palm, “You said this was a writing session, but this was a fucking ploy to get me alone! I swear you are the worst!”"It was a little lie, and we can still write. I brought my stuff too…I just thought…" Namjoon started the joy in his eyes fading,“That’s the problem! You just think…about yourself! You don’t think about me and what can happen if I’m caught by someone other than Bangtan! What were you gonna do if Bang PD-nim walked in here?! Huh? Say oh yeah…this isn’t what you think it is! Fucking hell! God! UGH!” You yelled fighting the urge to wrap your hands around his neck. Namjoon put his hands out trying to calm you down standing up with you,“Okay. I can see I’ve made a major mistake. I’m sorry…I just thought that you’d like this. That you were missing me as much as I miss you.”“Literally saw you a few days ago in your apartment. Remember?”"Yeah, and you ran out of here because you were seconds away from admitting you had a thing for me."“NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!” You bellowed. He may have tasted your anger before, but this was different. This was wrath, “Where is that big IQ at huh? Do I make stupid or something?”He raised his eyebrow and crossed his arms over his chest, “Watch it. I’m still your –”“You lost ALL privilege to do that whole I’m your elder bullshit. You lost that when you proceeded not to listen to me or know me in the slightest! Jesus!” “I know you.” Namjoon groaned rolling his eyes, “You are really overreacting right now.”“I’m reacting just about the right amount. In fact, I could be reacting more. I want to fucking deck you, but I won’t.”“This has gone completely opposite from where I thought it was going to go," Namjoon mumbled into his hand as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “Oh?” You growled, “Was that with my pants on the floor and panties at my ankles? Or…cuz explain to me since I’m missing it what this agenda was?” “To see you! Just you! Not the you who’s worried about what everyone would say. Or the you who’s looking to Yoongi for approval all the time. Just you. I want you! I want you to look at me that way. I want you to be worried about what I think that way. You never do, and I'm just trying my best. I want you, all of you. And you want me to too you're just so caught up and scared to try something that makes you uncomfortable." “You don’t make me uncomfortable. You make me angry. You literally know nothing about me, Namjoon! You keep saying all of these things, these grand romantic things but you don’t know one thing about me!”“I know that you are from LA. Born in Chicago. G-Dragon is your bias. You love Childish Gambino and Sailor Moon. I know that your adopted, you love your sister Marina and your brother Kevin. You are funny, kind, hardworking, fierce. You are talented as hell. I know plenty.”“When’s my birthday?” You sighed glaring at him. He was a fucking child. His warm eyes got big as he found he didn't know the information, "What's my favorite color? What am I afraid of? What are my dreams, my hopes, my anything? You want me to be yours, but you don’t want to work for it.” Namjoon’s face fell when he realized he couldn’t answer any of those questions. Then his nose flared slightly taking a deep breath and crossing his arms over his chest. You had never seen him irritated or angry, but you assumed you were getting very close.“Work for it? Yeah. I don’t work for it. I just begged and pleaded and put my ass on the line to make sure we could see each other, and you say I’m not working for it. I’m trying to make this work. To prove to you how much I care about you, for you and you’re saying I’m not working for it. I don’t know what more you want from me!”“TO LISTEN NAMJOON! To actually listen to the words that are coming out of my pretty lips. To actually hear me when I say things like I don’t want to leave here. I don’t want to get in trouble. That this means more to me than how much I like kissing you.” You pressed your palms into your hands before dropping them steading yourself, “You like me. But you don’t know me.” You exhaled feeling like you released a bubble that was behind your collarbone. “I’m gonna go home.” You gathered your things placing them back into your back and stomping off leaving Namjoon in the conference room alone. A part of Namjoon's speech kept playing in your ears. That you looked to Yoongi for approval. You didn't realize that you did that, nor did you know that Namjoon was looking that close. You were glad to finally tell Namjoon how you felt about the situation he kept placing you but now you were concerned that everyone might see something that you didn't. That they saw something that wasn't there. Yoongi was your mentor. Of course, you'd look at him. He was your person. Your everything. Namjoon had nothing to worry about when it came to him. You cared for Yoongi a different way than you cared for Namjoon. Because if you didn’t care about Namjoon at all, you wouldn’t have yelled at him like that. Because if you were honest with yourself…you liked Namjoon just a little bit more every day. Because Namjoon was right, he made you uncomfortable in the best way possible, and that terrified you.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
This was totally irrational of you. And that was the most annoying thing about it. It was ridiculous of you to be this angry at Namjoon. You figured two or three days after your little…spat, lover's quarrel…, Whatever you'd call it, happened he'd come popping up and apologize to you with a new resolve to learn about you. But that didn't happen, and all you're left with is the annoyance that maybe you overreacted about the situation. A loud groan fell from your lips as you focused on your laptop watching the cursor disappear and reappear. Crafting an important email shouldn't be this difficult, but you couldn't stop thinking about how you left it with Namjoon. You should've stayed and finished the conversation. Now you're feeling worse and keep going back and forth between you did the right then and you could've been nicer. You meant what you said. But – Namjoon has done so much for you. Things that he shouldn't. You got to write with Bangtan. You got to spend time with them. And all Namjoon was asking was a little bit of your time because he liked you. And you like him too. Also, it wasn't like you offered up any of yourself to him. You never asked him about his dreams, hopes…so why would he ask you about yours? You were unfair. Sort of. He still lied to you, and that pissed you off. Then like a curse Jin’s voice floated around your skull. About family and how family talks it out. You know that! You’ve had many talks with your siblings and the other fostered kids. But you’ve never kissed them and nor felt butterflies around them. Why can’t life be simple? Why can’t you be simple? At some point, it's not everybody around you. You looked at your cell phone and sighed, making a compromise. As soon as you send off this email, you'll call Namjoon and talk everything out. You'll lay out whatever the hell the two of you were doing and make sure everything is clear. How did you even get here?! You and Jason never had problems like this…did that mean Namjoon meant more to you than Jason? Yes, the little voice in your head said, but you pushed it down. Logically, Namjoon was doing the right thing. He was giving you space and time to calm down. But the irrational part of you saw this as precisely what you didn't want! Namjoon was always in your face, and now it was time for him to prove to you that he did know you. And he was doing a really shitty job at it. The disappearing cursor taunted you as you slid your eyes to the screen. All you needed to do was email Bang PD-nim and ask him for the masters of Mic Drop Remix, Crow Tit, and Not Today. You couldn’t make medley fit for the five voices of your team if you didn’t have them.“Dear Bang PD-nim…Dear Papa Bangtan…Dear Big Daddy Bang…" You exhaled taping the space bar over and over. It wasn't even as serious as you were making it, but for some reason, you had such an issue. You glanced at the clock watching it change to the next hour and groaned. Now you were officially here for three hours. This was dumb. You sat forward and cracked your knuckles and started typing while trying to keep yourself from thinking about Namjoon. And how silly he was. And how dumb you were. You didn't let yourself think about how hard he must've tried to make it okay for you to write songs with them. You also didn't let yourself think about even though he didn't know you it wasn't like you offered up any information to him. It's not like you tried at all…always putting a stop to it…always being scared. It was kind of your fault that he didn't know you. Not once had you opened up to him the way that you opened up to Yoongi. You stopped typing and chewed on the inside of your cheek. You forced yourself to read the email over, erasing parts adding others. You leaned forward sticking your hands in your curls reading over the email once more before hitting send. Y/N 5:32 PM Masters Request Dear Bang PD-nim, I am emailing you to request the Masters of Not Today, Mic Drop Remix, and Crow Tit. For the Trainee Group Showcase, Group A aka PRISM would like to do a medley. I will be mixing the songs together and would want to do that over the winter break as I am not going home. If you do not permit us the usage of the masters, please let us know what we can do to make this medley possible. Thank You, Y/N The email was as good as it was gonna get. You pressed send and heard it zip off into cyberspace. A small fear crept in…what were you going to do if you were denied the access to the masters? You don't think it's going happen, but you had no backup plan. You shook your head and pushed out the thought from your head. So, far Bang PD-nim had allowed you to do pretty much whatever you wished. Aside from the oblivious thing you were doing with Namjoon. Your laptop binged alerting you to a new email.That was fast. You frowned at the name – unknown. UNKNOWN 5:36 PM (No Subject) We saw you We saw you…You swallowed frowning at the email. Who saw you? What did they see? You rolled your eyes and deleted it. Another email came in from UNKNOWN with the subject OPEN. You froze and grimaced closing your laptop quickly hopping up from the desk. As if they could see you from your camera. It has to be a joke. Probably Jiho or Heeae playing a stupid trick on you. You took a deep breath and laughed to yourself. Yeah. Just a joke. A terrible joke. You had half of a mind to text in the group chat that it wasn’t funny when Yoonsook came barging through your door making you jump and fall back in your seat. You held your hand against your chest hating that you screamed a little. She grinned and bounced her eyebrows up at you playfully,“Finally. I got you!” “Ha. Ha. Ha.” You sigh feeling the slight drop as the adrenaline left your body. You tucked your arms over your body looking up at her expectantly, “Can I help you?”“That is no way to speak to someone who’s got some news for you.” Yoonsook grinned plopping herself on your bed. You crossed your leg waiting for her to continue, “Hosung and I were talking, and we think you need someone. Like a nice boy…or girl…to spend your time with.” “I spend my time with boys and girls. You and Tae.” You blinked narrowing your eyes on her trying to understand where this line of conversation came from. She shook her head sighing,“No romantically spend your time with someone. I don’t think you have a crush on Tae. Wait? Do you like Tae? Oh my gosh! That’d be such a scandal!”You snorted and shook your head, "I love Tae, but no. I don't have a crush on him." Tae was very handsome and sweet. And sure, the thought of being with him had crossed your mind at least once, but that was before Namjoon. “Ah, of course. It’s best that way anyway. I know this girl who was in the trainee class with someone who might’ve dated RM-seonbae.” You raised your eyebrows and leaned forward almost desperate to hear the story from a third party, “Well the girl who dated him got kicked out, of course. She’s an idiot. BUT that was only because she started to harass him and basically freak out on him.”“Yikes.” You mumbled remembering his words about how it was good until it wasn’t. Yoonsook kept talking,“Anyway. Hosung and I were thinking that you should go out on a date with this one trainee. He likes you a lot and doesn't dare to speak to you about it." You covered your mouth trying not to let all of your laughter out, but it exploded out anyway. “No. Thank you though? I don’t really have the time to have a crush on anyone right now.”“Aside from that person who gave you a hickey.”You tutted at her and rubbed your eyes, “At what point are you going to let up on that?”"At the point that you tell me." She said merely smirking at you. You took a deep breath and crossed your arms under your breast.“Fine. You wanna know. I’ll tell you.” You took a deep breath closing your eyes trying to formulate the story the best way you could. You could feel Yoonsook’s eyes getting bigger as she leaned in closer, “There is a guy that I see regularly…until right now because he doesn’t listen to me. And I didn’t really even want to see him regularly! The first time we kissed…I was vulnerable and needy. Not that I didn’t like kissing him. I do like kissing him. A lot. I think I like him. I don't know. It's just different. I didn't come here to like him or to be liked by him you know." Yoonsook nodded and sat there patiently waiting for you to say more. She's known you long enough to know when you were about to go on one of your rants, "And it's scary to have feelings for another person you know. Like. So scary. When I was with Jason, it wasn't like this. It wasn't all extreme emotions and secret kisses. Jason was easy. We fell in with each other. But thinking back on it, did I even like Jason? He just told me we were dating one day, and I was like okay. With this guy it's intense. I want to be with him, but at the same time, I don't want to be with him…Then I find myself…wanting…to you know…go…all the way…sometimes."“All the way?” Yoonsook questioned furrowing her brows. You covered your face hating the blush that appeared on your face and burned the top of your ears,You put your hands on your face and spoke into your palms, “Don’t make me explain it.”“But I don’t understand. You have to.”"Go…all…the…way…" You whispered using your fingers for a crude explanation. You took one hand and made an ‘O' shape and used your index finger to go back and forth in shape simulating fucking. Yoonsook's eyes got large, and she leaned forward more nearly falling off the bed, her eyes big, “You’ve never had sex!” You wanted to curl up and die. This is not where you thought the conversation was going to go – but no. You had no had sex yet. You and Jason did other things, just never the final finish. And he never wanted to push you and you never really had the desire, but with Namjoon it was a different story. It was like you came to Korea and all of these extra senses appeared. You bit your bottom lip and sighed hard,“No. I’ve never had sex. Not that I haven’t had opportunities. But this person…sorta makes me want to. It might be the thrill because he’s a person I shouldn’t be with or maybe I…”"Really like him." Yoonsook beamed finishing your sentence. You tucked both lips in your mouth biting down, hating that she knew what you were going to say, "It's scary having intense feelings for another person, but I don't think you should run from it. You should run to it. Suga-Seonbae deserves all of your love and affection."‘Wrong idol’ you wanted to scream at her. But instead, you sighed and didn’t try to kill her with your pillow, “No. It’s not Suga-seonbae. Sorry. He’s never kissed me. Never will.”Yoonsook looked like you wounded her by the way she put her hand on her chest, "What?! I was for sure it was Suga-Seonbae." You shrugged at her trying to figure out why people assume Yoongi first. Between her and your sister, you were over the Yoongi suggestion, "Okay. Okay…lemme do the math. It’s not Tae –”“Why are you only suggesting idols?” You interjected."Because who else do you hang out with if it's not your group or me. It's idols. Wait…it's not…Jungkook-seonbae?"You blinked and sighed, “Anyway, back to the conversation at hand…You and Hosung know a trainee that likes me but doesn't dare to tell me. Tell him I'm flattered. Beyond, honestly, but I'm focusing on my career." You said with a nod and crossed your arms over your chest. Secretly, you were impersonating Namjoon, but you don't think Yoonsook would get it.“Spoken like a true idol and leader.” Yoonsook grinned before standing up and winking at you, “But if you change your mind let me know. I know this guy will be thrilled.” As soon as Yoonsook left your room, you basically melted out of your chair. It was all too much too soon. Talking about Namjoon in a way that Yoonsook couldn't figure out but she was damn near close to figuring it out. Then there was that weird email that you didn't want to deal with. You looked at the clock and decided for once you weren't going to be up all night. Once you were in bed snuggly, you stared at the ceiling trying to quiet your mind. You'd call him tomorrow. Right now, you needed to sleep. The upcoming break affected everyone in the best way. Dance practice was relaxed and comfortable. For probably the first time in your Trainee Life. Maybe you were getting used to the abuse or perhaps it really was a leisurely practice. You didn't want to think about it too much. During one practice, Miyung let Yeonjoo run it, deciding to take a break herself. Yeonjoon wasn’t as strict as Miyung but when she got frustrated a string of curse words fall from her mouth, and it was way too funny to you. Which made her more frustrated. So, when she made you do all the parts of Blood, Sweat, and Tears, it was a penalty well deserved. You made sure to overdo the shoulder move so your hoodie could fall off ala Park Jimin. Jiho nearly fell out watching you. At lunch with your group, a suggestion from Heeae, the ladies spoke about what they were going to do over break. All of the girls talked about heading to their homes, seeing their friends and family. You couldn't help but feel a bitter sting in your heart. Your family went home a few weeks ago, but you were already missing them like crazy again. You used your fork to move the food across your plate half listening to their laughter. Miyung called you to her attention and again suggested you come to her house for the break. You declined as sweetly as only you could and told her that you were way too busy. You needed to be a studio just in case the masters came through. They would come through. You hoped. As much as you tried to be positive about the situation, you couldn't stop that jittery, nervous feeling. Because what if. What if the masters didn't come through! What if Bang PD-nim said no? You were so confident when you gave the plan to the girls the other day but now that you hadn't heard from him in a few days…it didn't feel so good anymore. Every time you tried to sleep for the past few nights, it ran from you, leaving you exhausted and grumpy in the morning. On the fourth night, you turned over in bed unable to sleep, the blue light of your phone illuminating the room. You were scrolling aimlessly through Instagram hoping that the repeating pictures would lull you into dreamland, but it never came. You sat up taking a deep breath looking at the clock, 1:57AM. Maybe, just maybe Yoongi was awake. If you were gonna be awake, you might as well do something. You pressed buttons quickly praying that Yoongi would pick up. You just needed his reassurance. After two rings he picked up, “Hey…” Yoongi yawned. He sounded tired. You felt bad for calling. You bit your bottom lip and pulled your knees to your chest,“Did I wake you?”“No.” He chuckled, “Why?”“I can’t sleep…” You sighed into the phone, “Can I come to the studio.”Yoongi paused for a moment, a perfect place for his smirk to appear, “Of course you can.”"Why aren't you sleeping?" You asked while pushing yourself out of bed. Yoongi's gentle sigh came over the receiver, and he clicked his tongue. You could see it running against his bottom lip before his teeth grazed it. It sent shivers down your spine,“Marina didn’t tell you? I have a hard time sleeping. I figured when she gave Suga 101 it was on the list.”“I wasn’t listening during Suga 101. To be honest, I wasn’t listening to Bangtan 101. There are seven of you. That’s a lot of information to retain.”“And yet she does.”"You're not the only genius I know," You teased dropping your voice as you crossed through the living room not wanting to alert a slumbering Yoonsook of your moves."But am I your favorite?" His voice lowered making you stop as the door closed on you, hitting your butt slightly. His voice made your heart skip a beat, and your cheeks flushed.“Genius or person?” You squeaked trying to remain your cool. You were losing it from the lack of sleep.“Both.”You laughed stepping out into the chilly night, watching a car drive by slowly, "I'll see you in a few minutes."“Yah! You’re not gonna answer me, Bunny?” He whined,“I’ll see you in a few minutes, Agust D.” You smirked hanging up the phone quickly. You were gonna get yelled at for that, but it was better than answering. You threw up your hood, wrapping your arms around your body. It smelled like snow was on the way. While it would be beautiful to see the city covered in a light dusting, it just made you shiver. Your body was not built for the cold. You were created for shorts, tank tops, beaches, and heat. The cold did not agree with you. You clamped down and quickened your steps headed to the warmth of Yoongi’s studio. Except when you got there, Yoongi was standing outside of the door to get into the studios. You frowned and threw down your hood staring at him, waiting for him to let you in. He grinned and held out a thermal for you.“What’s this?” You grumbled grabbing it,“Coffee. It’s cold outside. C’mon. I want to go to the roof.” Yoongi started, turning around gracefully than you ever could."I don't need coffee. I need sleep. Also, it's cold. Am I not allowed in your studio anymore?" You followed behind him wanting to be seated on his couch,“I need fresh air. A few minutes on the roof then back to the studio. Promise.” A loud exhale left your body as you followed him defeated. A high-pitched laugh came from his frame, and you raised an eyebrow trying to figure out why he was so excited about your exhaustion. You followed him up the stairs to the roof, the wind blowing your curls back. The cold went straight to your bones, and you cursed the day that Min Yoongi was born. Well, maybe not that extreme but you were freezing. You brought the thermos to your lips taking a sip of the warm coffee wanting it to seep all the way to your toes. Yoongi walked to the edge of the building and sat down leaning against the railing, looking over his shoulder waiting for you. You followed him and sat down beside him, glaring at him. He smirked and turned back to the lights of the city taking a sip of his drink.“Why couldn’t you sleep?” He asked you,“I’m freaking out about the masters of your songs that I need for this group competition. I emailed Bang PD-nim, and I haven't heard from him yet."“That’s it?” Yoongi tried to keep his laughter in check. You rolled your eyes at him and nudged him,"It's not funny. I'm anxious. What if I don't get them?"“You’ll get them. And if you don’t, you’ll figure it out. You’re smart.” “I’m glad you have faith in me, but your reassurance isn’t really helping. This is when you come in to save the day. Like, I don’t know, what Namjoon did. Call up Bang PD-nim and get me the masters.” Yoongi raised his eyebrows and tilted his head with a deadly smirk, “Like what I did to get you into our recording session? Little Bunny, I do so much for you, but I think I’m going to let you figure this one out.”"What are you good for then?" You complained looking away from him dramatically. That was a stupid question, and you knew it. Yoongi did so much for you, but you were tired and worried. “Advice.” Yoongi laughed, “I’m good for advice.” Advice? You looked back at him watching him sip on his coffee, appreciating the way his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. You hugged your coat tighter to your body wondering how he was out here in a black hoodie and jean jackets, with holes in his jeans. Was he immune to the cold or just used to it? Advice…there was plenty things you could ask advice on and since he wasn’t budging about the masters…maybe he could help you with your little Namjoon issue.“I need your advice…” You started looking down at your legs hanging off the side of the building, “It’s really a hypothetical situation. What if there was a guy who liked me, confessed to me but was reckless you know. He’d do silly things even though I told him that there were more important things at hand. What if I yelled at that guy for not listening and now he’s not speaking to me? Is it fair of me to be angry?”Yoongi looked at you with a slightly confused face, before scratching his eyebrow, “I thought this was hypothetical.”“It is.” You grumbled, “It is.” You looked away from him once more at the city, wishing you didn’t bring it up now.“Doesn’t sound so hypothetical to me.”“I can ask Tae for advice if you aren’t up for it.” You snapped at him, narrowing your eyes on him.“I never said I wasn’t up for it. I just…” Yoongi sighed, playing with his earlobe, “Nothing. Nevermind. Is it fair for you to be angry? Feelings are valid most of the time. This guy probably thought he was doing something that would make you happy…hypothetically. He’s probably just giving you some space, hypothetically.” You sighed and nodded still shocked with yourself that you even asked him Yoongi that. Yoongi took a sip of his coffee and looked out at the sky,"Hypothetically, who is it?" His voice was low and gravely as if he didn't want to ask, but the words came out anyway."Hypothetically it's nobody. I don't have time for a relationship."“I don’t remember there being any mention of a hypothetical relationship in this hypothetical situation.” He smirked. You rolled your eyes and took a sip of your own coffee wishing that it was hot enough to burn your tongue off. Yoongi turned to look at you before crossing his arms over his chest, “I have a hypothetical situation too.”“Shoot.” “Hypothetically, if there was a girl that I liked. Or think I like. And she was smart, talented, oblivious, stubborn, beautiful, can’t rap for shit, what can I do to get her to realize how I feel?” What girl?! What other girls does he even talk to besides you? You could feel your eyes slowly turning green with an unchecked rage and jealousy that you had no right to feel. His face was blank, but eyes sparkling. He clearly liked her. A thick knot appeared in your stomach. There was no reason to feel this way right now. Yoongi was your friend. Instead of being upset about some other girl, you should feel happy for him. Glad that he found someone he liked enough. It was so hard for him to find people that he enjoyed being around and if he found someone that could make his starry eyes look like that, then you should be happy for him. You smiled at him lightly,“Hypothetical huh? What is her name? Is she an idol? Ohhh, lemme think…” You hummed tapping your finger.“This is hypothetical.”“Sure sure sure." You waved turning your face back to the city lights because the sight of his eyes looking like that was hurting you. Part of you thought that he looked like that for you and you only but how selfish of you, "Hypothetically there are two options you can take great idol Min Yoongi. One, you could just tell her. Call her up, text her, whatever and ask her on a real date. Outside of your safe confines. Two, you could write her a song. About how you feel and then give it to her."“Hypothetically…” Yoongi started, “If it was you. If I liked you…how would you want me to tell you?” You snapped your head over to him with big eyes as your heart stopped. No. He’s just trying to gauge what would be the right thing to do. This is a hypothetical situation. That’s it. The girl he likes is some beautiful, talented idol. That’s it. She’s slender, with shiny black hair, pouty lips, and a voice of an angel. Nothing like yourself. He probably called her in the dark of the night and whispered soft things to her. She probably giggled back and told him to wait for her just a bit longer. Min Yoongi found himself someone. Good for him. Good for him. You swallowed and nudged him playfully,"Hypothetically, if it was me…I think that I would appreciate a real date. A real come-to-dinner-with-me date. I'm either at my dorm, here, or your dorm. I would want to dress up and get fancy and go out with you but…" “Being an idol makes that very difficult.” He finished for you. You nodded,"Yeah. BUT! The positive in this is that the girl you actually do like is an idol. And I know there are ways to sneak around to make sure that you don't get caught or seen. But honestly, your fans are scary good at stalking." You shuttered remembering the woman at the airport, “Some of them are. Most of them are normal, sweet, amazing, and appreciative.”“I’m specifically talking about the crazies. Like the woman who tried to hit me at the airport because she saw me in that photo with you from the hospital.” You trembled in horror glad to have changed the conversation topic.“What?” Yoongi looked alarmed, “Are you serious?! Why didn’t you tell me this, Bunny?” He took a deep breath and looked like was about to go on a tirade. Before he could continue you put your hand over his mouth,"Because there was nothing to tell. And plus, I used to live with a rabid fan of yours. Marina is…" You sighed and laughed, "Very dedicated. She worships at the church of Suga and August D frequently. I mean if you wanted to do something to help ARMY chill out…you could be less cool." Yoongi chuckled into your palm before biting you playfully, sending shivers up your arm. You pulled back quickly afraid that he’d bite you again, his teeth just missing the tip of your index finger.“Impossible.” He laughed before wrapping his arm around you then wrinkled his nose, “You’re salty.” Heat kissed your cheeks as you tried to figure out if he was serious about if you were salty or if he knew how pressed you were about this. You just wanted to know who she was. You took a deep breath and closed your eyes before putting your head on his shoulder. “Whoever…” You started trying to make sure your words were clear, “Whoever you choose to be with, make sure they make you happy. Make sure that they are worth it and understand how important your position is. If they don’t make you hear music, they aren’t worth it.”Yoongi chuckled and put his head on top of yours, "That's how I know they are worth it. I do hear music when I'm with them." You sat still in his arms, even though your heart hurt, "But their position is important too, and I don't want to ruin their hard work.""I'm sure you won't." You forced yourself to smile then moved from his arms, "You, Min Yoongi, are someone worth giving up everything for." Yoongi looked at you with large eyes before he swallowed. His beautiful starry eyes shined in the night before his smile became large, then a soft giggle bubbled up. Whoever she was, she was lucky that she got to see him like that all of the time. You took a deep breath and sighed before squeezing his hand. You looked at the night one last time before pushing yourself up and heading to the door, "Have a good winter break, Yoon. I'll see you when you get back!""I thought you wanted to go to the studio!" He hollered back. You turned around and shrugged at him,“Too tired.” You shrugged with a fake smile on your face. Too hurt for some reason. Way too hurt. As you headed down the stairs, you held your hand to your chest. You were hurt because Yoongi didn't confide who it was to you. That was why it felt so strange. Not that you admitted who yours was either though. You should go back up there and just say it was Namjoon so he can tell you who she is. So, you can see if she's right for him. If she's sweet, funny, talented, pretty…if she's deserving of Min Yoongi's time. Then you stopped at the bottom of the stairs. You aren't his bodyguard or gatekeeper. He can spend time with whoever he wants whenever he wants. You're lucky that he wants to spend time with you. A fact you keep forgetting. There was still no email from Bang PD-nim. Yoongi was right, you needed to think of a backup plan, yesterday. If you couldn't get the masters, you'd have to do a mash-up. It'd be messier than you'd like, but it'd get the job done. Turns out your favors with Bang PD-nim might be over, but you had a good run. A better run than most people, like Namjoon's ex-girlfriend. Like lightning, you remembered that you promised to call Namjoon days ago! You grimaced and found your phone. You opened up to his name with your finger hovering over the green button. You pressed it and held it against your ear. The ringing seemed like it went on forever and you were just about to hang up with the call picked up on the other end.“Hello?” You breathed into the silence."Hello," Namjoon said quietly. You stared at the wall chewing on your bottom lip trying to figure out what to say,“Hi. So. I’m not sorry that I said what I said.” You started, hating yourself because you were supposed to be softer, kinder to him, “But I am sorry that I told you to know things that we’ve never talked about. I’m sorry that…I’m very cautious. I know you’ve told me over and over again I won’t get kicked out that you won’t allow it, but I think you don’t realize how little power you have over my career.”Namjoon sighed heavily into the receiver, “I don’t want to do this over the phone. Can I come over?”“Uh…” You blinked and stuck your head out of your room not seeing Yoonsook or hearing her, “Yeah. Come over.”“I’ll see you in a moment.” Why did you say he could come over?! You were a real mess! You hopped up and ripped off whatever stained shirt you were wearing and threw on a clean one, spraying yourself with perfume. Your heart raced in your chest as you threw on a pair of leggings and sat on the couch trying to look as comfortable as possible. Then it dawned on you that he couldn't see you. You hopped up looking around the apartment making sure it looked nice – not that it mattered. Namjoon saw your apartment during the aftermath of the sleepover and still wanted to kiss you which was fascinating to you. A few minutes later Namjoon knocked on your door, and you almost jumped over the couch to get it and pull him. You opened up the door and took a step back giving him a small smile. He took a step inside and pulled off his beanie his golden hair spilling out. He dyed his hair. You swallowed trying not to stare, but he looked so handsome with blond hair. “Hi.” He said with a shy smile closing the door behind him,“Hi.” You repeated then gestured up to his head, “You dyed it.”“Yeah.” Namjoon stood there in a puffy black jacket and white hoodie with some jeans on shifting back and forth waiting for something. You were waiting too. Waiting for the tension to be less awkward. “I like it.” You blurted hoping that would alleviate the tension. His smile became wider and shrugged,“I like you.” He said with a nod and his dimples appearing, “I like you a lot. Do you mind if we sit down for this?” Why do you need to sit down for this? He said he liked you but sitting down seemed like a break-up thing to do. But you guys weren't together to break up in the first place. You shrugged and walked to the couch sitting down appreciating the gentle shift when Namjoon sat beside you. You didn't appreciate the way he looked at you like he was one hundred percent sure that you. You took a deep breath in about to start your apology,“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I snapped at you like that the other day. I’m sorry that I asked you to know things about me that we haven’t talked about…that I haven’t given you. It wasn’t fair. I’m –”“Wait,” Namjoon started, “I’m sorry that I’ve been so reckless. That I lied about the writing session. I like you so much more than any girl that I’ve encountered, and I just want you to feel how much I like you. But I don’t want to push you away. I’m not doing a good job at it. And you’re right, I don’t know much about you.” He grabbed your hand a squeezed it.You pressed your lips into a line looking down at your fingers interlaced with his, "But that's my fault too. I'm not really a fan of sharing those parts of me, and it's not fair of me to think you'll ask when every time you try to talk to me about it, I shut you down. If this is going to work…we both have to do better."“If what is going to work? Are…you?”"I'm saying…" A short laugh bubbled up as you looked up into his warm chocolate eyes, "I'm saying that I'm going to try. I'm saying that I'm going to work until I feel like I can't. I still don't know if this is what I want, but I like you too." The air around you and Namjoon was still as you said the words he wanted to hear. His tan face was a beautiful crimson before his lips pressed against yours. He wrapped his arms around your body pulling you closer to him, running up and down the sides of your body. You moaned into his kiss and pulled back a bit, “I have stage fright.”“What?” Namjoon laughed before pecking your lips, “Stage fright?”“Yeah. I also didn’t come here to be an idol. That’s not really working out in my favor though.” You said as you crawled into his lap, straddling him. You placed two kisses on his neck, a deep moan coming from him. You smirked before grazing your teeth against his sensitive skin as Namjoon shivered underneath you.“Wait…you don’t want to be an idol? Then what do you want? And c..can you stop kissing me for a moment. It’s hard to focus.”“I thought you’d appreciate me telling all of my secret truths while kissing you. You don’t like this game?” You teased before taking his earlobe in your mouth, biting down lightly.Namjoon moaned before putting a steady hand on your shoulder and pushing you back slightly his breathing heavy, eyelids drooped, "I do like this game. I prefer it better if I was on top though." He growled pushing you back onto the couch, hovering over your body, “I think I prefer it better this way too.” You grinned as his mouth found his way to yours, pressing hard against you. Fuck, you loved kissing him. Every time his mouth found a patch of open skin your body shivered underneath him as heat radiated through every single part of your body. This was the only way to get through the cold. Namjoon’s strong hands found their way under your shirt, rubbing your skin under his fingertips. He played with the waistband of your leggings, dipping his thumb in to press it against your hip bone. That sent fireworks straight to your core as you sighed his name. He smirked before pecking the skin of your collarbone. He leaned down and whispered in your ear that loved hearing his name that way before placing light butterfly kisses on your cheek. Then he took a deep breath smiling at you, “But I want to know more about you first.” He announced. You grumbled and turned into him, soaking up his warmth, taking deep breaths of his cologne. For about an hour every time you told him something about yourself you kissed him. He learned about everything – except for Timothy. You didn’t want to ruin the moment with those horrid memories. You told him about how you learned Korean, about Jason, about all of the things you never talk about. And Namjoon listened intently. And apologized for not knowing this information before. He pulled you close and held you on the couch foreheads pressed together. Namjoon's eyes were filled with joy, and you could only feel the same happiness back. You tilted your head back looking at the clock in your kitchen before sighing.“I should go.” He mumbled sitting up slowly raking his fingers through his hair,“I know. But…I wish you didn’t have too.”“Of course, you’d say that when I actually have to leave.” He laughed grazing his lips against yours once more, “But I’m traveling with my family for the break.”“Have fun! I’m going to be here.” You yawned pulling down your shirt hating how cold you were without his arms wrapped around you. Namjoon frowned and you put your hand out to stop him, “I want to be here. I have a lot to do.”“Okay, okay but if you want some company call me.” Namjoon relented as he stood up. Namjoon grabbed your hand as you walked him the few steps to the door as if he wanted to memorize the way your hand felt in his. You got on your tiptoes and kissed his cheek before sending him on his way out the door. As you stood in the doorway watching him walk away, he made it a few steps down the hall before running back and grabbing your face. Namjoon looked into your eyes for a few seconds, his grin all dimple making you tremble with excitement. He pressed his lips against yours softly at first, then pushed harder opening your mouth with his perfect, soft lips. You wrapped your arms around his neck grabbing the nape of neck, interlacing your fingers in his newly blond tresses. You pulled at it gently enjoying his deep groan as he pressed you against the frame of your door. The only sounds in the hallway of your dorm was the sloppy wet kisses that you shared with Kim Namjoon. It was the perfect goodbye kiss. He pulled away and smirked,“Have a good break. I'll be back soon." You waved him goodbye while closing the door before pressing your back to the wood. That was the most unfair kiss in the history of the world. He kissed you like he was off to war as if it was the only thing that was going to get him through the five days you'd be apart. You placed your face in your hands laughing into your palms. Your legs were wobbly, body hot and you wanted more. You'd get him back next time you were sure of it. As soon as you made it back to your room, you sat down at your desk, flipping your laptop open. You had two unread emails, one of them you knew was the OPEN email from Unknow that freaked you all the way out. The other one was from Bang PD-nim. You grinned opening it up quickly praying that it was an 'okay' for the masters, Bang PD-nim 4:17 PM RE: Masters Request Y/N – I’m saddened to hear that you will be on campus for the break. If you need anything during that time, please let me or another staff member know. Please remember that the cafeteria will be closed. Your request for the masters has been approved. Stop by my office tomorrow afternoon, and we will discuss this further. I want to make sure that you get the right files for your needs. I am looking forward to PRISM’s showcase. Bang You jumped out of your seat and pumped your arms in the air. YES! You got the approval for the masters! Yoongi was correct. You found your phone quickly texting him your good news. And that he was right. His quick response ‘of course I am’ made you send him back an eye roll emoji. Then you told him to have a good break again. You sat back in your seat eyeing that last unopened email. Having one red dot on any of your apps bothered you so much. You didn’t know how people could let their email or text message count go above zero. Just open and delete if it was spam. You were equally nervous about what was in it…Whatever it was had to be a joke. You tried to bring it up to your groupmates, but this didn’t seem like something they would do. Whatever, it didn’t matter. You opened up the email and all there was an attachment of a video. A video? Fuck it. You bit on the pad of your thumb and pressed play. The screen lit up with the hallway of conference rooms at Big Hit from around the corner. Then there was the sound of your voice – yelling for Namjoon to listen. A sick cold poured over you as the video continued. You walked out of the conference room in a huff, your body closed off and irritated, in the opposite direction of the video. A few moments later Namjoon walked out putting his hands through his hair mumbling about what he was going to do now. He groaned into the palm of his hands and turned headed to the camera as the video ended abruptly. You slumped down in your chair sitting as still as you could as your heart raced to its end. This was beyond bad. This was horrible. This couldn’t happen. No…no no… You looked through the rest of your emails, your spam trying to see if there was anything else. Just the horrified feeling that you were being watched.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Well, the positive about the situation at hand was that you were one hundred thousand percent completely fucking right! You’d been telling Namjoon for weeks that this was dangerous, that someone could catch you. Someone did catch you – and they weren’t coming forward with their identity which was even worse. You watched the video over and over again trying to see if you were hallucinating, but with every play…every time your voice came over the speaker’s hot bile hit the back of your throat threatening to come out. What’s worse was there was no more correspondence after the video. Only the threat of terrible things looming over you.
The first time you watched the video you closed your laptop after sitting in silence for a few moments and crawled into bed. You hoped that when you woke up it'd be gone and it was one terrible nightmare. But you didn't dream it. It was real, and it was terrifying. And you needed to figure out what to do with it and who it was from before they sent it off to a higher power. You pressed your hands together pushing the flat part against your nose trying to think of what to do.
It would be helpful if you talked to someone about this. Marina wasn’t going to work because she’d be irritated that you didn’t tell her about Namjoon in the first place. Then her solution would be to talk to Namjoon about it! YES! That’s who you needed to call. Joon. He was the other person in the equation anyway. He deserved to know at least. You snatched up your phone calling Namjoon,"Hey, babe!" He grinned over the phone. You swallowed down the urge to ask him not to call you babe because you were trying. If he wanted to call you babe when it was him and you then that was fine. You wrinkled your nose listening to all of the loud background noise from wherever he was,“You sound kinda busy?”“I am a little bit. I’m about to take my sister to lunch. Wanna say hi?” Namjoon paused speaking to her. He was covering the mic, but you still heard her soft gasp and giggle from what he said, "Sorry about that."“Uh. No…I’m sorry. I just needed to talk to you about something. Never mind. It can wait. I’m sorry.”“Why are you sorry?” He laughed, “How about I call you back a little later?”“Sounds great. Tell your sister I say hi and enjoy your time off okay?” You half smiled before muttering your goodbye then hanging up. That was a bust. You forgot that Namjoon was with his family. You couldn’t tell him anything right now because he’d probably come rushing back ruining his holiday. You pressed your fists into your eyes until stars appeared willing yourself to come up with the solution. To fix it without running away because all you truly wanted to do is call up all of your people and give them a sentimental last word before hopping on the next flight back to LA. But you were trying to be better, do better, and you had a team that relied on you. They were counting on you making this mix so your team could win. You couldn't leave just yet. The only solution you could come up with is to find out who was doing this to you, why, and make them stop. You were gonna have to be Oliva fucking Pope. Step one of being Oliva Pope; wear a white hat and date the president. You probably had a white beanie somewhere and kissing the leader of the most famous boy band in the world counted enough. Step two figure out the rest of that shit. You looked at the email and aggressively clicked the reply button. Instead of running you were going to meet this head on. You tucked your bottom lip in your mouth and started chewing as your fingers flew over the keys. Y/N 1:32 PM RE: OPEN Who are you? Why do you have this video? Your finger hovered over the send button. Was this really the right decision to make? Should you wait to ask Namjoon? No, time was of the essence. It was now or…now. You closed your eyes and took three deep breaths before pressing the button. Now you had to wait. You glanced at the time remembering you had to run over to Bang PD-nim’s office soon to get the masters. Part of you thought it was silly to get masters if the person was just going to turn the video in – but maybe that was the reason. The video itself wasn’t that incriminating. Disrespectful, absolutely, but they must not know that you had permission to be with Namjoon otherwise why send that video. It honestly looked like two writing partners having a fight. You grinned. This was beyond better than you could’ve imagined. As you started to get ready to head over to Bang PD-nim’s office to grab the masters, your phone went off a few times. You didn't stop to look because the sooner you got there, the sooner you could come home and start your winter break. Even though the break didn't officially begin until the next day; the campus was nearly deserted anyway. It felt like you and Yoonsook were the only people left. You were pretty sure she was off with Hosung spending a few moments of passion with him. A smirk set on your face, much like you and Namjoon. Another vibration hit your pocket. When you pulled it out to look at the notifications a small pit grew in your stomach.MISSED CALL FROM UNKNOWN 1:42 Reason told you the call was probably just a coincidence, but it didn’t feel like it. You swallowed and took a deep breath walking across the campus looking at the texts you had. Joon sent you a picture of his food. Tae asked if you changed your mind and wanted to come to his house for the break. You replied that you hadn’t, and you were super busy anyway. Even though you were trying to remain calm, it felt like you were being watched. You knew you most likely weren't being watched, but you threw up your hood quickening your steps anyway. The sooner you got back to your room the safer you'd feel. When you reached Bang's office, the secretary smiled at you widely telling you to head in, that he'd been waiting for you. That was annoying. It wasn't like he gave you a time to be there he said sometime in the afternoon. You walked in and smiled before bowing at him,“I hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long. I’m sure you’d like to go home early today if possible.”Bang PD-nim chuckled and smiled at you before gesturing to the black leather seat near you. You sat down and crossed your legs, “I won’t be going home for a while but thank you for the concern. Where did you come up with the idea to do a medley?”“Bangtan has worked far too hard for us to pick one song to perform. Therefore, we chose some of our favorites and decided to go from there. We wanted to show you that allowing us to write our own music was the right decision.” You nodded. Bang PD-nim smiled wider before pushing his glasses up with his index finger,“You truly do hold up to your stage name, Y.L.”“Your love?” You questioned trying not to snort, “I would hope so. They took the other name I wanted for the group.”“PRISM?” He laughed, “Do you know what I mean when I say you hold up to your stage name?”“Not really.” "I like you, Y/N-ah. I have from the moment you arrived. You often stumble, but when you get up, you are always greater than before. So, what I'm telling you is completely off the record, and I will deny ever mentioning it." You nodded slowly pulling your bottom lip in your mouth to stop yourself from laughing, "Dodo reports back about your group. He always says that you are grumpy, determined, still hate to dance and when you think nobody's watching you are writing music. Which makes me think of Yoongi-ah. It's our little joke that Y.L stands for Yoongi's little since you remind us of him." Bang PD-nim started to laugh hard as you looked at him blinking. Yoongi’s little huh? You were starting to fix your mouth to ask if that meant you could be Yoongi’s friend publicly, but something told you not to ruin the mood. You smiled softly,"That is an honor to be compared to one of the best producers in the world right now. If I can be as half as good as Suga-seonbae, then I will have accomplished more than I deserve.""I have a feeling you will accomplish a lot more than you will ever imagine." He paused to smile at you once more, "It sounds like you need the largest file of the masters – just the music. No vocals. I will have them drafted up and dropped at your dorm before EOD." You nodded and started to push yourself out of the chair, "Wait. One more thing before you go…" Anytime Bang PD-nim wanted to add something you weren’t expecting to the conversation it never ended well for you. You slowly sat back down in the chair and sat still, “I’m happy that Namjoon came with the idea for you to write with them. It’s good for them to get an American perspective from someone they trust. It’s also good for you to learn from them as well.” Okay…so far so good, “I still will let you go from the program if I even feel you are bothering Bangtan, but…what is done without my knowledge is done without my knowledge.”You nodded quickly with a small smile, “Understood.” Then you stood up bowing at him, “Thank you, sir. Thank you.” It was the closest you were going to get to a full-on okay to be their friends from him, and you were more than ecstatic! You gave him a small wave as you walked out grinning widely. Another trainee was sitting waiting to be seen, her soft blond hair in a high ponytail. She was from group D…Lulu maybe. She looked up and smiled at you gently, telling you to have a good break. You replied the same and walked out heading straight for your place. The sounds of laughter coming out of your dorm, while you weren't in it was an unusual sensation. You opened the door to see all of Group B, ST.A.R, sprawled out in your living room. Yoonsook looked over and hopped up with her arms above her head,“Y/N! You’re back! I’m so sorry – I didn’t know how long you’d be and figured you wouldn’t mind.”“I don’t.” You smiled, then you bowed to the group about to introduce yourself,“Don’t bother.” A young woman with close-set eyes beamed, “We all know who you are.”“Even though it’s been months, still all anyone can talk about.” The girl with the blue pigtails laughed while leaning against a shorter young woman in a baggy hoodie and shaggy black hair.“Well, I feel special and awkward all at the same time.” You laughed,“Y/N, meet my group! The rude one is Jessie, that’s Trish…” Yoonsook said going through everyone’s stage names. Besides the first two, there was MK in the baggy hoodie, Moon, Kimmie with an upturned nose and a black blunt bob, and Gigi who was curled up on the couch looking like the youngest. All of the women you had seen around campus. You were shocked to see Moon who was that weak looking girl that said her stage name was Stacy. She smiled at you brightly her orange-blond hair in pigtails. They were all slender, beautiful, and honestly so warm. They reminded you of a group of fairies or nymphs. Yoonsook explained that they wanted to spend their last day together before the holidays. One of them cried out she was going to miss the others so much and they all agreed. You smiled and silently kicked yourself. Your team should’ve done the same. Eh, no need to push it you guess. PRISM was a team and at the end of the day that was all that mattered. Gigi sat up slowly and stretched up before asking what you were doing later. You shrugged and hopped over bodies making your way to your room. She then asked if you wanted to go to Karaoke with them later. You politely declined before telling them to have a nice evening and disappearing behind your bedroom door. ST.A.R’s giggles and chatter continued as you laid your bed and pulled out your notebook trying to write until they left. Then you could go into the living room and watch TV until sleep eventually came for you. You narrowed your eyes on the page and started to write something down when a screech shocked you making you jerk your pen. The black line on the page was just as annoying as their laughter. Typing up the lyrics might be easier. You hopped up and opened up your laptop quickly, settling in the soft cloth seat tucking one leg under the other. As you stuck your tongue in your cheek, you saw that you had a new email. It had to be a reply from your mystery person. Hopefully, they got scared of you being forward and would say it was a joke. You swallowed and opened up the application to see that you were right. It was a reply. UNKNOWN 4:03 PM RE: RE: OPEN We are people. We have it because it’s useful. What will you do to keep it? You started typing your replying angrily and before you knew it was sent off. Y/N 4:05 PM RE: RE: RE: OPEN Nothing. That video shows nothing. That will show whoever the fuck is doing this that you aren’t afraid. Nor are you to be messed with. You closed the email and opened up your document of lyrics trying to find the right words to go with ‘I got that magic tongue/ Gonna show you how its done / My flow’s like a metric ton / Heavy, steady, ready to be petty / I’m cold like a yeti / and I taste just like…’ Berries? Cherries? Fairies? That was stupid. Your phone vibrated from your pocket. You picked it up quickly staring at the page,“Hello.”“Perhaps if that video isn’t of your liking, we can provide another.” A robotic voice said sending chills down your whole body. A notification came through on your computer alerting you to a new email, “Or another.” Then another new email came through, “How about this one?” One more email.
“Stop.” You whispered, “Stop. What do you want?”A silence filled your eardrums before the voice came back, "You to leave."“That ain’t happening.” You barked, “Worked too damn hard to get here.” “Shame.” The voice spoke before hanging up. Tears appeared in your sight as you started to shake; a feeling worse than dread washing over you. This was worse than you could’ve imagined. They have more videos. More videos than you thought. You quickly started clicking going down the list. The first video was short, you walk out of the private studios holding some clothes – Namjoon's clothes. In the next video you walked out of another conference room, eyes puffy with tears but a small smile on your face, a few moments later Namjoon walking out grinning. It was from the time he confessed to you. The last video was the worst of them all. You and Namjoon were holding hands while walking in the darkness. He kissed your cheek at your dorm before the video showed you going into the building. One video didn't show anything. But these series of videos showed you and Namjoon in a relationship. A clear, committed, not supposed to happen relationship. You put your head against your knees trying not to sob loudly. It was over. There was nothing you could do. If whoever was holding these against you wanted you to leave then it was either go with dignity or leave because Bang PD-nim told you too. As much as you wanted to be angry with Namjoon, you couldn't be. This was all your fault. If you had just stuck to your guns, this wouldn't be an issue. “Y/N?” Yoonsook’s voice came through the door, “Is everything okay?”Before you had a chance to tell her that you were fine, she walked through the door and looked at your wet face, "No." Yoonsoon’s beautiful almond eyes became large as she closed the door behind her and wrapped her arms around you squeezing you tightly. You held her back firmly weeping into her chest. Her small hand rubbed circles in your back as she tried to calm you down,“Y/N…what’s the matter? Are you homesick?”“Yeah…” You lied. Homesick was a better answer than you’ve been in a secret relationship for weeks that will now get you kicked out of the program."Oh, sweetie. Do you wanna come to my house for break?" You shook your head, "Okay. How about you come out with my team tonight? Yeah! They just left to get dressed, and we are gonna meet at Sakura."“I don’t think I should leave the apartment.” You sniffled,“Nonsense!” Yoonsook beamed standing up, “Go wash your face, I’ll put out a dress for you to wear, and we’ll have a fun night. Promise.” She left the room quickly allowing you to sit there in silence. You threw your head back against the chair sighing hard. Karaoke with a bunch of trainees sounded like a bad time for you. Sitting here and wallowing in the darkness sounded like an equally bad time. You sighed and closed your laptop deciding to do whatever Yoonsook wanted. When you make decisions, it just turns out bad, so maybe your life would turn out better if Yoonsook took over for a while. Over the next hour, Yoonsook transformed you into a person you don't often see while yelling at you to stop being dead weight. You didn't really care what she did to you unless it was your hair or your makeup. She chased you around the couch with a straightener begging to flatten out your hair. You screamed at her that only licensed professionals who do black hair can do your hair and she didn't qualify. Then she sat you down to do your makeup but only after you told her to use your products, and your products only. Koreans might be into the super white look, but that would make you ashy. The dress that Yoonsook chose for you was this beautiful off the shoulder, maroon number that stopped at mid-thigh. It looked like it would fit a twig even though she insisted it had some give to it. When you put it on and walked out, she gasped from the couch. Then she gushed about how cute you looked but compared to Yoonsook you looked normal. Yoonsook looked like a fucking model in her jade dress. Yoonsook dragged you all the way to Sakura until you were in the middle of a group of singing girls. You sat between Moon and MK having a mic thrust in your face anytime there was an English part to any song. Then Gigi hopped up and said she was going to get soju. “Last time I drank with you guys I was a mess for days.” Jessie hummed,“We remember!” Moon giggled, “Didn’t you throw up in dance practice?”“Not just dance practice…all day.” Trish laughed slowly pushing you out of the booth. You turned to look at her with irritation, “C’mon YL, your turn. Pick a song.”
“I’m good. Thanks.” You replied crossing your legs as you neared the edge,
“Ladies, our special guest is declining to perform!” Kimmie cried out, “You know what that means?”“Guys…she’s kinda having a rough day.” Yoonsook sighed, “Can we not do this?”Gigi came bounding back in her arms full of Soju bottles, “Back!”“Just in time, Gigi.” Kimmie nodded then turned to you with a wide dark grin, “If you decline to perform you have to drink a whole bottle of soju to yourself.”
“I’ve never had soju,” You grumbled pushing yourself up and typing quickly on the remote trying to find one song, “Guess I’m singing cuz I’m not drinking a whole bottle.” When the room gasped with horror as you tried to find your song, “You’ve never had soju! Okay – you have to take a shot. It’s delicious.” MK nodded grabbing one of the bottles from the table and pouring you a shot.“I’m not really a drinker in general.” You mumbled scrolling through the list grinning as you found your song. MK pushed the filled shot glass to you, and you looked at the clear liquid.
“If you don’t like it, you don’t have to drink anymore.” Kimmie shrugged looking around the room hoping that they’d agree with her. You glanced over to Yoonsook, and she gave you a shrug. You grabbed the shot and smiled, one wouldn't hurt. One shot became three…three became seven…and seven became Jesus you just wanted to dance! In a moment of clarity, you were doing a duet with Yoonsook laughing before putting your arms around her neck. You pressed your forehead to hers and confessed your love for her as she laughed and replied the same. Her group gagged and you reminded everyone that you wanted to dance. Then you had an overwhelming desire to text Namjoon. He didn’t call you back earlier. Asshole. Moon grinned at you and wrapped her hand around your wrist pulling you out of the karaoke room. She started babbling about how glad she was that you came out and how far the two of you’ve come since orientation. You nodded wondering if she was the one that was going to take you to dance. Yoonsook grabbed your other wrist and started to scold you for not bringing a coat with you. She kept going as the group made their way into the club. Gigi yelled into your ear that Potion was her favorite place to dance the night away! The music felt so good against your skin. You put your hands in the air and swayed the beat mouthing along to the songs that you knew like the back of your hand. Then BTS came on, and the whole group collectively lost their minds. DNA, at first, was too poppy for your liking but you grew to love it. You pulled out your phone and started recording yourself mouthing along to Yoongi's part, making sure to scream ‘I want it real love.' You finished the video with the last line of ‘Because from the start, my heart only beats toward you' before giggling. Another shot was put in your face, and you took it willingly. You didn't want the effects of the evening to wear off even for a second. This was the best you felt all day, and if you had to keep drinking to keep, you'd keep doing that. You managed to find a chair and plopped yourself down in it sending the video to Yoongi. He'd think it was funny. You looked up to see Trish staring at you. You blinked and looked around trying to figure out why she was watching. She smirked lightly and made her way to you before sitting down, “What are you doing?” She yelled over the music,“Uh. Just…texing a friend.” You smiled tucking your phone into your pocket,“We saw you!” Trish laughed. The words sent ice throughout your body. You opened your eyes wide and leaned away from her. No. It wasn’t her…right? “Tell me about this friend.”“Just a friend from America.” You smiled tightly before standing up. Was it always so fucking hot? “One second…” You mumbled excusing yourself from her making your way to Yoonsook. Suddenly, it all became too much for you. Too much music. Too much alcohol. Too much pressure. You yelled in Yoonsook’s ear that you needed some air and she looked at you confused. You texted her quickly before using your shoulder to force your way out of the throng of bodies and to the front door. The cold air on your sticky skin gave you such sweet relief, but you were still panicky. Someone could be watching. You took your bottom lip in your mouth and started to chew on it painfully. Your world slowly tilted back and forth as the legal toxins ran through your system. Home. You needed to be home and now. You stood next to the street waving your hand back and forth frantically not caring that you were calling attention to yourself. You always have the focus on yourself. Cab after cab rolled by leaving you more frustrated and still drunker than you could've ever anticipated being. Soju was the devil's elixir. You sank to the ground leaning against the nearest pole giggling to yourself. At least Korea and America had that in common. Getting a cab back at home was just as tricky as it was here. You sloppily shoved your hand into your bag pulling out your phone looking at the time. Lateeee. It was so fucking late! You narrowed your eyes at a notification and leaned in carefully looking at it. Yoongi texted you some time ago. You snorted. What did that guy want? Shouldn’t he be home? You pressed the text to read it then your phone lit up showing you were calling. Huh? How’d that happen? You closed your eyes humming and swaying as if you were on a rocky boat,“Bunny…” Yoongi grumbled, “Do you know what time it is?”“YES!” You shouted laughing, “It’s 3:34AM do you know where your Bunny is?” Yoongi was silent for a moment, probably blinking looking at the phone with confusion, “Min Suga!!!” You half whispered half hiccupped, “Min Suga! Do you know where I am for real…because honestly I don’t know.”“Y/N-ah.” He said seriously. He only used your real name when he was serious, worried, or with others…you froze then groaned,"Don't call me that. Are you with her right now?" You spat standing up wobblily, "You probably fucking are! You do know how much it drives me crazy that I don't know who she is! It's not fair. We tell each other everything…well, I thought we did. I mean I don't tell you everything, but that's because I'm a girl and I'm allowed to have secrets. But not you to me though. Is it some girl from BlackPink? If it is, I would hope you’d choose better, they don’t perform with any passion.” You ranted while pacing back and forth.Yoongi sighed heavily, “I can’t understand what you’re saying. You’re speaking English way to fast.”“No, I’m not!” You shouted then felt your stomach grumble, “I’m hungry…” “Yes, you were. Are you drunk?” "I don't think soju, and I mix well together." You stopped walking and looked on the other side of the street at a convivence store. Oh. That's where you were. By a convivence store. You looked both ways and took a step out in the street, before jumping back as a honking car blazed past you, "Shit!"“Bunny!” Yoongi growled, “What are you doing?!”“Trying to get food, oppa.” You mumbled, “And about to illegally cross the street…” You giggled before sprinting across four lanes. Yoongi, wherever the fuck he was, yelled at you from the other side of the phone, “I’m okay! I made it!” You winced from the bright lights inside of the store, always ignoring the stares of people on your skin.“Stay on the phone with me. I’m coming to get you.” You looked at your phone and laughed before hanging up on him. He doesn't get to tell you what to do! Mainly when he was with that girl he liked. Why else did he call you Y/N-AH?! You winced feeling a slight stabbing on the balls on your feet. You looked down and frowned again, were you always wearing heels tonight? You hateeee heels. As you kicked them off your phone rang, you picked it up staring at the wall of food,“Hello?” You whispered already focused on trying to figure out what you wanted. Ramen sounded so fucking good. That broth running down your throat, those warm noodles. Oh, but then there’s kimbap, and that was just fucking easy. And you needed easy right now. Everything was way too complicated. Like that Avril Lavigne song."Don't fucking hang up on me again." Yoongi snapped, "Where are you so I can come to get you?"“You don’t listen Lil Meow Meow, I don’t know. Oh, do you think I should get ramen or kimbap?” “What’s around you? Can you please give me something to work with?" You closed one eye and looked back and forth between the ramen and the kimbap, quickly picking the latter. You walked up to the cashier with one hand full of food, the other hand full of your shoes. The cashier raised an eyebrow at you and laughed mutter how funny Americans were when they were drunk under his breath. You looked up at him and shook your head putting the money on the counter replying you never know who can speak Korean these days.“Bunny…please. Please. Please give me something. I’m worried.” Yoongi commanded as you started to peel the plastic off your well-deserved meal while you walked out of the brightly lit store, still barefoot. Wait. You pressed the phone closer to your ear hearing the noise of a city around Yoongi. Was he in the car? Was he fucking driving?! Ice water started to run through your veins,“Are you coming to get me?”“Yes!” He shouted, “Tell me what street you are or what venue you were at. Something!”You stumbled your way over to a tree and sat down using it to support you, "I didn't ask for you to come to get me. So, stay your ass in your tower. You’re not my prince. Go save that girl you like." Then you laughed, "Right now you are clenching your teeth, and now your eyebrows are pressed together. And now…"“Bunny, fucking tell me where you are!” You both said together as you cackled harder,"I would. If I could. But I can't. I don't know. And you can't come to get me." Your voice cracked delicately on can’t. Then a tear fell from your eye. You pressed your knees against your chest taking deep breaths the cold concrete rough against your feet. Yoongi couldn't get you because you were already in trouble with whoever was blackmailing you. Another picture, another video, another mess up would mean your doom,
“You can’t come, Yoon.” You whispered another tear dripping down your face, “I’m sorry.”"Bunny, baby, goddammit," He growled hitting the steering wheel, "please tell me where you are. If you're worried about dispatch or people seeing me out, I will stay in the car. I want to take you home and put you in bed." Being drunk was a strange place to be in. You completely forgot about the kimbap then suddenly you were ripping it to shreds with your teeth utterly aware of the people walking around you. The kimbap was disappointing, not enough meat in the middle mostly just rice which never makes anyone full. You wanted a cheeseburger honestly, where the fuck was the nearest McDonalds. How did you get here again? Ugh, what was that noise? Yoongi needed to be quiet for a moment…just one second. You groaned,“Are you ignoring me? I am goin–”“We went to karaoke at Sakura and then went to some club, uh…Potion?” You answered while cutting him off feeling the cold start to seep into your skin more making it less refreshing and more painful,"Potion? You went to fucking Potion, and you don't know where you are! Down the fucking street. Don't move. Are you still in front of the convivence store? I'll be there in less than five minutes."“Okay.” You hummed before hanging up, relived for that to be over. Something soft touched your arm, then another. You looked up at the sky to see white flecks falling down. It was fucking snowing, and you didn't have a coat on. As you pushed yourself up, you took a steadying breath to ease nausea while walking and chuckling about how you moved. Do you think he’ll spank you? Then you stopped in the middle of the street contemplating how fucking weird that thought was. It'll pass. But you didn't really want it to. Marina's stupid smutty fanfics popping up at a time like this. Thick rings, a gentle stinging on your buttocks. You hurriedly covered your face trying to snap yourself out of the sloshed state you were in.“Uh…miss…” A voice asked in broken English, “Are you okay?”“Yes.” You mumbled letting your hands slide down your face, looking into a young man’s face. His hair was dyed bright pink, outfit covered in labels. He sorta looked like an idol. As you squinted you started to shiver, he looked so warm, “I’m freezing though.” You commented in Korean.“Isn’t that surprising. An American that can speak my language.” He laughed his smile going wide, “Let me take you somewhere warm.” “Eh. No thanks. My friend should be here soon to get me.” You answered curtly, starting to move around him.“We’re friends, right?" He said stepping directly in front of you as you tried to move from him.“I don’t know you. I don’t want to know you. Leave me alone.” You sighed, crossing your arms over your shoulders and rubbing them looking around for any type of car that was slowing down.“But your cold. My name is –”“I don’t want to know your name.” You spat your patience wearing thin as your teeth started to chatter.“Jongsoo is my name.” He smirked, “I don’t know why but this little attitude you got is a real turn on for me. Hey, are black girls as loose as they say?” A huge smile cracked on your face as you drew your hand back and slapped him across his face. You were drunk, but you wanted his shocked face to remain in your memory forever. He turned to you his glare deep as he grabbed your shoulder roughly before pulling you close squeezing down,“Do you know the fuck I am? My father could buy you and your whole family.” Jongsoo seethed his pink hair making the same pink tint of the slap you gave him.“Oh, so you’re some CEO’s kid? Am I supposed to be scared? Money isn’t really important to me.” You yawned trying to move away from him, “Also, is this tough guy act scary? I’m trying to figure out what is my role here.”“You bitch!” He sneered as his thumb dug deep into your shoulder making you wince, and the world start to tilt more, "Apologize right now, or I swear –"“You swear what!” You whispered as a deep raspy voice boomed it behind you. That was scarier than this guy. You looked over your shoulder at Yoongi, his starry eyes full of fire and his face mask down. Uh oh. Jongsoo looked away from you for a moment up at Yoongi then blinked. Then his jaw dropped,“Wait. Shut up! You’re that dude, right? That guy…uh…uh…what the fuck is your name?" He kept tapping his forehead and snapping his fingers, you took the time to slip away and grab Yoongi's hand hoping that it wouldn't escalate any further. Neither of you needed tomorrow's headline to be ‘BTS Idol Fights CEO's Son.'“You found me! Your prize is taking me home.” You mumbled hoping that he’d lead you to his car. He didn’t move with you. Yoongi stood still glaring at this guy, who was off in his own world trying to figure out who he was, “Yoyo.” You started hoping the nickname he hated the most would make him move, “I’m fine. I mean. I’m drunk. But fine.” Yoongi’s eyes flickered over to you for a second as you squeezed his hand tightly, “Please…I’m cold.” Yoongi scoffed in the guy’s direction and released your hand to take off his coat then placed it on you. His warm hand found its way back to you, interlacing his fingers with yours as he led you to his car, which of course was a black BMW. He did have style. You exhaled knowing that half of the battle was over because the whole car ride back you were gonna get yelled at.“Min fucking Yoongi! That’s your name!” You and Yoongi kept walking as the guy kept shouting. You were literally about to grab the door when the guy screamed out the worst thing he could’ve, “I didn’t know you fucked kkamdoongies.” The world became still. You looked up at Yoongi and caught his eyes as he pressed his lips together in a thin line, a warning not to do what you were about too. You'd get yelled at for this also. Before he could hold on to you tighter, you slipped from his grip sprinting up to the man with the lack of manners your hand taught in a fist. You cocked it back using all of your anger and might hitting his nose, loving the satisfying way it crunched under your knuckles. His screams and his blood would be worth whatever talking to you were gonna get in the car.“Nah, he doesn’t fuck kkamdoongies. But you got your ass kicked by one!” You spat as Yoongi wrapped his arms around your stomach lifting you up to drag you to the car. You smiled widely as the man held his face in pain. You were totally gonna get a spanking! Yoongi sat you into the car slamming the door angrily before getting in on the driver’s side. You gave the middle fingers to the guy as the engine revved up and Yoongi drove off. You glanced over to Yoongi to watch him huff and scratch his eyebrow as he drove through Seoul trying to gather his thoughts, he was furious under that placid look. It always vibrated off of him so gently. You grimaced realizing that he gave you his coat. Even though it wasn't long, he stood out in the snow with a baggy white shirt, and some ripped up jeans, although you loved how the collar dipped down showing off his collarbone. The warmest part of his out was his black beanie. You sunk deeper into his coat and closed your eyes praying that if he thought you were asleep, you wouldn't be in trouble. But honestly, you didn't ask him to come so why would you be in trouble! Did you ask him to come? You can't remember.“Y/N-ah.” Yoongi’s voice was stern.“I’m sleeping. Snore…snoooreee….snoreeeee.” “Don’t fucking play with me right now. I’m not in the mood.”“Uh. I never really had a dad, but you really sound like one right now." You groaned opening one eye,“Are you a child or a trainee?” The question felt very rhetorical, but you opened your mouth to answer it anyway, “I don’t give a shit if you went out drinking. But, you have to be safe and know where you are! What if I couldn’t come and get you huh? And you can’t just punch people in the fucking face! What if he presses charges? Then it’s over.”“It’s pretty much over anyway, daddy.” Yoongi looked over at you his mouth agape with horror. You raised an eyebrow and smiled playfully bouncing your eyebrows before taking off your seatbelt and leaning close to his face. His girl probably got this close. He glanced over then back to the road swallowing slowly,“Sit back and put your seatbelt back on.”“Daddy.” You whispered close to his earlobe before tugging off his beanie and putting it on your head smiling wider, “I like this beanie. Can I keep it?” He gripped the steering wheel harder his lips parting softly a gentle tint appearing on his cheeks,“Y/N-ah.”“Stop calling me that!” You huffed sitting back in your seat, “That’s not what you call me. I don’t give a fuck that you have a girlfriend. I’m Bunny. I’m your Bunny.”“I don’t…I don’t have a girlfriend. Anyway,” Yoongi sighed shaking his head, “Your reckless behavior tonight could’ve ruined everything you worked so hard for. And then what? You would’ve gone back to America because you were too drunk to think about your actions.”"I'm not going to let some dude with fucking pink hair call me that. I'm just not. Sober. Drunk. Day. Night. It's not going down like that. And then he said we…were…" You clamped your mouth shut afraid that your thoughts would evolve from spanking to something far more interesting. Not interesting,“He didn’t say we anything. He was talking about me and who I decide to have relations with. And it doesn’t matter what he said about me. One day I’m dating Jimin and the next its Tae. I’m a public figure for better or for worse.” He mumbled turning the corner left, you went with the motion of the car and leaned against him taking a deep breath,“Yoon…I’m sorry I worried you daddy. You’re right. I should be aware of my surroundings. Blah blah blah. I’m not going to apologize about punching him, he called me a racist slur and even when I do become a full-fledged idol I’d do the same thing.” “Is…is that your form of an apology?” Yoongi huffed his fingertips running up and down the back of your hand,“Do you accept it if it is?” You hummed while holding his hand gently and closing your eyes,“I suppose I have too.” He smiled,“Honestly. I didn’t mean to call you. I was just going to reply to your text then bam call. But I’m glad that you did come…daddy.” You smiled looking up at him, looking at that perfect patch of skin on his chin. What would it be like to kiss him there?“Will you quit calling me daddy?” He grumbled coming to a stop light,“Why, you don’t like it? Daddy? Daddddyyy? Daddy,” You teased before sitting up slowly winking at him. Then you laughed falling back into your seat, “If you don’t tell me to call you something soon it might stick…daddy.”Yoongi sighed heavily licking his bottom lip, “Keep testing me, Bunny.”“Is that a challenge?” You grinned as he pulled into a garage, “Because I can truly challenge you.” A soft chuckle fell from his mouth as he put the car into park. He turned to you his hair falling into his eyes as he rubbed his thumb against his bottom lip that looked softer than anything you’d ever seen before. Yoongi smirked slowly and leaned toward you his eyes reminding you of a predator. That meant you were prey. You pressed your back against the chair watching him closely, unable to move to try to take steady breaths. The closer he got, the louder your heartbeat until you could feel his warmth, his face way too close to yours,“Bunny, don’t make me show you who I am.” He whispered, his lips accidentally rubbing your ear sending shivers throughout your whole body your as your eyes became large. You nodded slowly as Yoongi’s face moved directly in front of yours, close enough to taste…to kiss. He grinned widely before quickly kissing your forehead and opened your door from the inside, “C’mon let’s get you to bed.” Yoongi moved swiftly exiting the car leaving you less drunk and wanting. You closed your eyes trying to gather your senses. If he had stayed a little, still you would've kissed him. You would've put your fingers in his hair and tugged at the root slightly. You would've moaned into the kiss and said all of the naughty things your heart desired. Instead, he moved quickly, probably thinking about his girl. Always about her. She was annoying. You got out closing the door behind you looking at Yoongi who stood by an elevator door.“Where are we?” You sighed shuffling over to him, pulling down your dress slightly. You yawned and put your head against his back wrapping your arms around his waist. Yoongi laughed and put his hands on top of yours his fingers playing them like a piano. “My dorm.”“I’m tired of walking. Carry me on your back?” Even though an irritated sigh came from his slender body, Yoongi bent down giving you access to his back. You didn’t need to be told twice and jumped on wrapping your arms around his neck loosely as his hands grabbed onto your thighs to hoist you up. Yoongi gripped you firmly, a heat spreading from his hands to your core. You bit your bottom lip and banished those thoughts while putting your head on his shoulder. “Thank you, Yoongi.” You yawned, “You always make me feel safe when I’m with you. I love you…” You mumbled before your eyes closing on their own. Then the spinning darkness of drunk sleep claimed you. For your behavior last night, you deserved all of the pain you felt in the morning. You slowly cracked your eyes open wincing at the light, immediately regretting that decision and closing them back up. You could've drunk a pool full of water at the moment and thrown it all up because your stomach was doing flips. Let last night be a lesson to you. First and last time drinking soju. Definitely, your last time trying to keep up with Yoonsook's teammates. Jesus those ladies were drinkers. As you turned over in the bed clutching the pillow tighter to your body, you realized that you had so much more space than the little twin bed. And the last time you had more room you were in the hospital. You sat up quickly hating yourself for that looking around the room to make sure you weren't in the hospital. Big windows…big ass bed….black curtains. You grimaced. Yoongi’s room. You looked down at your body horrified to be out of that tight dress Yoonsook forced you to wear. The yellow long sleeve Kanye West tour shirt was comfortable, warm, and holy shit did that mean Yoongi changed you? You covered your mouth before a scream left it and hopped out of bed running to his closet to find some type of pants to put on. You grabbed a pair of sweat pants and threw them on trying to find your phone. A gentle buzzing came from under one of the pillows, and you dove for it. Marina was calling. You picked it up whispering into it,“Hey, I’ll call you right back.” You hung up as Marina groaned. You opened up the camera app turning it to you to see all of your curls flat on one side of your head and your makeup a mess. Thank God you didn't wake up next to anyone. Ugh, your hand hurt so fucking bad! You opened and closed your fist wincing. You didn’t look good enough to see anyone, especially a member of Bangtan. Tae and Jungkook would try to take pictures of you while Jimin would be on the ground laughing. It would be for the best if that didn’t happen. When you walked to the door, it struck you as odd that it was so quiet. It was an early morning, but still, you figured some noise would be made. Then you remembered that everybody was supposed to be gone for the break. So why was Yoongi still here? You froze in horror wondering if he was completely gone but came back to save your drunk ass. That would be the absolute worst. A clank of a cup hitting the counter filled the air, and as much as you didn't want to go to the kitchen, you walked there anyway. Yoongi sat at the island his hair all over his head, wearing a gray shirt and some black basketball shorts. He took a sip of coffee scrolling through his phone as you peeked around the door frame. All of you wanted to back up quietly and run out of the house. You could say your thanks via text or even in a week when you saw him again. You were beyond embarrassed about last night, mostly because it was foggy. What if you said something that you didn't mean? What if you did something you didn't mean!? But the coffee smelled so good. You moved, so you were standing in the threshold looking away from him and playing with the sleeves of his shirt. “Hi.” You mumbled, “Can I get a cup of coffee before I die of embarrassment?”“Nope. You have to die of embarrassment first.” Yoongi chuckled as he stood up, “Sit down, let me get it for you.”“God. No. I don’t know what you did for me last night, but I ended up in your bed, in your clothes. That’s enough.” You groaned. Your head throbbed under the weight of being alive.“You need some water. Sit.” He pointed to a chair. You sighed and sat down watching him shuffle throughout the kitchen. “How’s your hand?”“In pain. What happened?”“You punched a guy. Good form by the way. What do you remember from last night?” Yoongi questioned while putting a glass of water near you. You reached out and downed the liquid as soon as you could, “I remember being at Sakura, telling people I haven’t tried soju…then flashes.”Yoongi smirked and leaned against the island with his hands clasped, “You were a fucking pain, Bunny. I had to basically chase you around, you called me daddy –”“I did what?!” You screamed making the throbbing worse in your head, “I probably meant oppa instead of appa.”"You would think that." He laughed, "But you definitely said, daddy. You weren't using Korean."“Well…” You began standing up, “I’m going home. Never coming back. Have a good break, Yoon. Thank you again for letting me stay here last night. You’ll get these clothes back never.” You gave a short wave and started to walk out of the kitchen.“Where do you think you’re going?” Yoongi growled playfully, grabbing your arm and pulling you to his chest, “Because you don’t remember last night, I have to yell at you again.”“Ugh! That’s not fair!” You grumbled as Yoongi’s arms wrapped around your stomach, “I’m sorry!” Yoongi laughed as you sighed hard in his arms,"Fine." He smiled releasing you. You moved away quickly your cheeks and tops of your ears hot with embarrassment. Yoongi's arms around you felt really nice and peaceful. Something that you could've gotten used too. You threw your thumb over your shoulder,“Like I said. I’m going to go. Have a good break, Yoongi-oppa.” You said with a wink. He laughed harder and shook his head while walking you out. When the cold air hit your body, you realized that you should’ve stolen a jacket more than anything else. You sped walked home and texted Yoonsook that you were on the way and that you were sorry for disappearing. Thank God you didn’t remember most of last night. You slowed down for a moment having a slight memory of telling Yoongi that you loved him but…that couldn’t be right. Right?
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Stress always made people act out of character. You were no exception. But you were always stressed out it seemed so maybe this was in your nature, you didn't know. All you knew was when you were stressed out, you’d do one of two things. You’d either hide out or throw yourself into something to take your mind off the situation slash consequences. That’s how you fucked up your knee when you first got here. That’s how you ended up in the hospital. That’s probably how you’re gonna die. But there was a sweet comfort in knowing how you were going to leave this mortal coil. Right now, you were doing both. After coming home from your night on the town two days ago, while simultaneously ignoring Yoonsook's questions about your whereabouts and walking to her to train to see her off, you basically moved into one of the open studios. The drinks were an excellent way to forget about the videos someone had, but nothing was better than throwing yourself head first into a project. Especially one this important. You tried to squash down the thoughts that it didn't matter if you finished the mix or not because you were going to get thrown out of the program. And honestly, the studio had everything you needed. You only left to eat and shower – the dorm didn't make you feel very safe. Anytime you were home you felt like someone was hiding in a closet recording you. As you moved a clip of one song to lead into the next, you kept thinking about how you haven’t told Namjoon yet. Part of you didn’t want to ruin his break knowing that he’d run back to come up with a solution, but the other part of you knew that if you told him; you'd have to end whatever it was between the two of you. That would be for the best, but you didn't want to stop it. You liked this weird limbo that you lived in with him. It was always the most forbidden things that tasted the best. You tucked one knee under your chin and took a deep breath pressing play on what you had so far. It was okay – not the best thing you ever made and certainly not the worst. You needed it to be better. You dug your hands into your roots letting your fingertips play with the soft new growth. The concept itself was easy; take three songs built for seven men and divide it between five girls. Of the seven men, three rap and the other four sing. Of the women, two rap and four sing. One of the four being a switch hitter. If the switch hitter weren't in the group, it would be easier, but you wanted to make sure that the mix was even. You didn’t want anyone to think that you were giving more parts to any girl. You particularly didn't want your team to feel that you were trying to provide yourself with more section, but sadly you were the lead singer and lead rapper. Which meant Jungkook and Namjoon's parts were all yours. Even if you preferred Yoongi's raps. You wanted the mix to start with Not Today then flow into Crow Tit with Mic Drop Remix finishing it out. Which honestly irritated you because you did not want to start the whole thing off with Namjoon's words of ‘All the underdogs in the world…' Sure, you'd be on stage with your team but still what if you couldn't find your breath or forgot the words. Then the performance would be shot before it even started. Time wasn't on your side, and you had a lot of pressure. As the leader, you would figure it out. You couldn't fail them. Making a good mix wasn't just for you, but for your team. PRISM. And if this were the last thing you did as a Big Hit trainee, which you suspected it would be, then it had to be amazing. If you got kicked out and they continued as the four, then you'd be happy. The mix started up once more, and you leaned your head back allowing the music to drift around you. You needed a second opinion. You dipped your hand into your pocket grabbing your phone and Facetiming Marina. You pulled some of the curls around your crown out of the puff waiting for her to pick up, then suddenly her bright face was on screen. "Hey, loser!" She beamed then pressed her eye close to the camera, “Where are you?”“One of the studios. I need your opinion, how does this sound?” You mumbled leaning forward and starting the song over again. Marina frowned and narrowed her eyes at you,“You look terrible. Have you been sleeping? What’s wrong?”"Nothing. I need you to listen." You yawned putting your finger over your mouth to signal for her to stop talking. Maria pressed her thin, pale lips into a small line but nodded. You watched her taking any slight twinge of movement to heart. Marina nodded her head in time and dabbed once the base dropped during Not Today. She swayed her body to the beat when it moved to the next song and mouthed the English parts of Mic Drop Remix.Once the song was over, Marina nodded gently and smirked, “Are you going to be doing Desiigner’s part?” "Ha. Ha ha. Did you like it?" You asked softly, feeling the pressure start to grow in-between your eyes. You pressed your thumb against it trying to get it to go away for the fourth time today,"I mean, there were no words. So. I guess I liked it. More importantly, you look like you are gonna die. When was the last time you had good rest and ate something?" “I donno.” Pressing your thumb against the pressure wasn’t working. “I started sleeping here cuz I don’t wanna be alone in the dorm,” Marina's face twisted with confusion. As soon as the words left your lips, you knew that she was going to have a problem with it. You loved being alone and not worrying about anyone bothering you or disrupting your peace. She leaned in close to the camera again shaking her head,"What is going on? Tell me, or I'll tell momma the bags under your eyes are so heavy you'll need to pay extra fees."“Nothing is going on. I’m just tryin –”“Momma!” She started her big blue eyes going wide, “Momm—”You put your hand up to quiet her and blurted, “I’m afraid to be alone right now because someone is blackmailing me into leaving the program!” Now that the words were out in the open that knot in your stomach lessened slightly. You exhaled and slumped back in your chair watching Maria's mouth open and close like a dying fish. She inhaled loudly, and you covered one ear as best you could before her screams erupted through the phone,“What the fuck do you mean someone is blackmailing you into leaving the program! What the fuck could they possibly have on you to blackmail you?!” “Things.” You mumbled as the headache threatened your very existence. A painful grumble sprang from your stomach as it started to eat itself.“What things?! What are you doing there! It’s not an American college where you might be twerking upside down while doing a keg stand with your fucking panties showing!” Marina seethed,"Oh, what I've done is way worse, trust me." You paused before looking into her eyes with a sad smile, "I can't tell you what I did, but it's worse. Also, anytime you scream it feels like a hot poker is splitting my brain apart so if you could keep it down.""Tell me, or I will have momma call her boss and get the first thing out to Korea." She said flatly tucking her arms over her chest to show she meant business. That was the best idea she had thus far. You'd give anything to be with your family right now. They saved you the first time you were in your ‘depression cycle.' Surely, they'd be able to help you once more. You started to nod aggressively loving that plan.
“That’d actually be helpful.” You beamed, “Tell her. I’d love to have her braid my hair right now while I’m trying to figure all of this shit out.”“Y/N. Talk.” It wasn't the two words that made you cave. It was the look Marina gave you while saying them. Marina rarely got upset with you, but when she did you hated the way her blue eyes shifted to a dark gray color. It made you think there was a demon that lived inside of her, and honestly, it might. Because anytime she looked at you with her weird gray eyes piercing your soul…you did exactly what she wanted. You swallowed and covered your eyes,“You know…how you insinuated that Namjoon was my boyfriend.” Marina grunted for you to continue, “Well, he’s not. But…I uh…I uh…I kiss him. A lot. Yeah. And um. Someone took footage of us hanging out when we definitely shouldn’t have been. Doing things, we definitely shouldn’t have done. Like holding hands and him kissing my cheek. Or me yelling at him. Or coming out of hidden rooms together multiple times.” The whole time you were speaking about the video footage and about Namjoon, Marina's cries of ‘Oh My God' got louder and louder until she was screaming it at the end of your little speech. She kept saying it over and over as if she had a glitch in her brain. You opened some of your fingers up to look at her, and her face was stuck with one eye squinted, the other one wide open, mouth agape, and the ‘Oh My God’s wouldn't stop. Holy shit, you broke your sister!“It’s bad. I know.” You whispered.Marina blinked a few times before trying to speak, but only air came out. She swallowed and looked at you as if you grew to heads, “Bad is not the word that I would use.” You nodded and covered your eyes again about to explain your half of it, “Catastrophic. Yes. Disastrous. Absolutely. But bad…nah. This is worse than bad. It’s bad because everything you worked so hard for might be destroyed but for love –”“It’s not love.” You quickly interjected,“Whatever. For like…I guess, you know I’m down with a little reckless attitude when it comes to feelings. It’s horrific because you are gonna die for NOT TELLING ME YOU WERE KISSING KIM NAMJOON!”You scoffed throwing your hands in the air, "Of course that's what you're mad about. Not that the person has the footage or that they might release it and ruin everything. But because I didn't tell you. Jesus, Marina can you think about me for once?!"“I’m not thinking about you?!” She bit back, “You wouldn’t even be there if I didn’t tell you to audition at BigHit. And of course, I’m mad about the footage but knowing you, I bet you haven’t told your not-boyfriend boyfriend.” You grumbled and looked away from her, “First, you need to tell Namjoon. Second, you need to see if you can reason with them…perhaps pay them off. Before you even say anything, I know you don’t have any money, but you don’t really have a lot of options here. Third of all, you need to stop hiding everything from everyone because this is how you keep getting yourself into dumb situations. Fourth…”“There’s a fourth,” You snickered lightly,“Yes! And a fifth and sixth. Are you writing this down?” She snapped, her eyes still that gray-ish color that made you squirm, “Fourth, you need to go fucking eat something, so you don’t die. Fifth, sleep. Sixth, call Min Yoongi and tell him that since you are off the market that your sister will happily send over the paperwork to marry him.”“What?” You gasped, your heart racing from the mention of his name.Marina rolled her eyes as they faded to that brilliant blue, “Do you need me to repeat all of the steps or certain numbers,”“Just six will do.” You sighed,"Sixth. Call Min Yoongi…and to tell him…that you're not available. You've strung him on long enough." Marina nodded with a slight smile, “Strung him on? What are you talking about?”“To me, from the way you’ve explained your relationship with him, your feelings for my Suga,” You rolled your eyes once more laughing softly at your sister, “are really deep, but for some reason, you don't see how deeply you care about him. Sure, you were upset about not speaking to Namjoon or Tae again, but what really hurt you was the realization that you may never speak to him again.” “One, I was hurt because I owe so much to him. Two, our feelings for each other are friendly! He’s got a whole ass girlfriend, Marina. Three, how are you gathering this information?” "When you talk about Bangtan, you are happier. Like how you talk about Kevin. When you talk about Tae, you're bubbly. Like how when you talk about momma or me. When you talk about Namjoon, you fake being annoyed but really are cheerful. Like how you'd talk about Jason when you first started dating. But when you talk about Min Yoongi…you are dreamy, you are blissful, you are full of hope, excitement, and are a version of yourself that I'd never seen before." Namjoon's words sounded off in your head while Marina gave you time to process. How you looked to Yoongi for approval all the time. You swallowed as you stared at your sister, your eyes getting wider with a panic that people saw things that you didn't. Seeing things that couldn’t possibly exist. Then you watched your lips as they moved to say: You love him. Breath caught in your chest as your heart started to pound against your ribcage. Marina's teasing was not appreciated at the moment because you knew yourself well enough to know if you love someone or not. And what you felt for Yoongi wasn't love. It was appreciation. It was a protectiveness. It was a deep need to make sure he was happy and cared for. Not love.“You okay over there?” She yawned rubbing her eyes. You nodded slowly still unable to speak, your stomach growling as a strange response, “Do you know what you are going to do?” Again, you nodded unable to find words to speak to her as your brain was slowly having a meltdown. “Okay. I’m going to call you again tomorrow. Tell Namjoon. Tell Yoongi. Eat something. Probably eat something first then do the other things. I love you.”“I love you too.” You mumbled pressing your fist against your lips unable to see what Marina was talking about, “I love you.” She leaned forward and pressed her lips against the camera before waving the call going to black. You sat in silence for what felt like forever trying to wrap your mind around Marina’s point of view and how she thought that you loved Yoongi. You groaned and decided to add this to the pile of things you didn’t need right now. As you stared to pull your focus back to the song pain ripped through your stomach while your head started to feel like it was floating. You needed to eat, and soon. You leaned forward saving the file on the computer and gathering your things quickly before throwing on your backpack over the large puffy jacket your mom sent. You needed something comforting. Pancakes would be the perfect food to settle you right now, and you knew exactly where you were going. Once you googled the direction to Ajumma’s restaurant and headed there, you decided to really think over what Marina said. But first, you had to figure out your definition of love. What is love? What did it feel like? A lot of people tossed around that ‘Love is patient, love is kind...' quote. If you were to apply that to the situation, then everyone loved you. And you loved nobody. For some reason, your life was filled with people who were patient and kind to you for no reason. Momma, Tae, Yoonsook, Namjoon…Yoongi. And you were not patient nor kind to most. It took a while to see your kindness and softness. No, you needed to see what you thought love was. Love needed to feel like home, something safe and secure. It needed to be easy. Love, even during the most insane situations, had to endure. It was strong, maybe not as strong as diamonds but close. It wasn't fleeting or based off appearance, although it helped if the person you loved was attractive. It had to make you feel something…excitement, joy, even pain, because how can you appreciate the highs if there aren't any lows. Love is caring for someone for all of the good parts, their bad parts, and their in-betweens. Knowing when to fight for someone and when to give up too. Love is being happy with the other person's happiness, even if that meant not being with you. Jason may have loved you, but it was clear you never loved him, and you never would’ve even if you stuck with him. With Namjoon you felt excitement, joy, irritation. You care about him for all of his good and bad because you care about him. That much was clear. But it wasn’t like you felt at home in his arms, it wasn’t easy. It felt like a fight the whole way, but you wanted the fight and the push and pull of him. Even though Yoongi shouldn't be in the equation, you had to admit you felt home with Yoongi. Sitting with him in his studio, on the roof, hell even waking up his in bed you never were worried or scared. It was comfortable being around him, you could speak in looks and sighs. You didn't have to worry with him and the time you did worry it was your fault. So, what if Marina's half right. You did love Yoongi. But you weren't in love with Yoongi. Two very different feelings, with a clear distinction. You just didn’t know what that distinction was. The whole walk to the restaurant the sky looked like it was threatening to open up and drown Seoul in snow. An icy wind blew through around you, and you tucked your head into your coat, moving faster trying to get to the restaurant quickly. The red from ‘Moon Grill’ was like a beacon to you, even with the icicles forming on the awning. They weren’t large or pointy enough to cause you harm or death, to your slight disappointment. You did say a small thanks to Ajumma in your head for having the heat blasting as you opened the door. You cleaned your feet off on the mat, smiling at the gentle ding of the bell, ready for her to come from behind the curtain. Although you didn’t see her, you heard her yelling at someone in the kitchen before she came out. Ajumma looked the same, her silvery hair pulled back into a tight bun. Wrinkles covering her honey skin. You wondered if momma would look like that when she got old. Ajumma started to pull a pad out of her apron not really looking at you, starting to ask what you wanted to eat then paused looking you up and down,“Little lion?” She questioned,“Ah! You remember me Ajumma. I’m honored.” You smiled bowing. When you came back up her wrinkled mouth was in a hard frown,“Of course, I remember you. Yoongi-ah doesn’t come around a lot, and the time he does come around he brings a lion with him. Don’t let this age fool you, girl. I’m still sharp.” She sighed wagging her finger at you. You grimaced and opened your mouth to apologize, “Don’t worry about it, Little Lion. Although, when you run back to Yoongi you tell him that I don’t appreciate him sending lost ones to pick up his food.”You blinked before raising an eyebrow, “I’m sorry, Ajumma. I’m not following.”“Did you hear me? Yoongi’s food is almost ready. When you bring it back to him, I want you to smack him on the head for me for sending you to pick it up.”“Um…I’m not here for Yoongi’s food. I want to order food for myself.” Maybe Ajumma was losing it a little bit. Yoongi was with his family for the break, probably in some exotic location. Ajumma sucked in air and crossed her arms over her chest, eyeing you up and down before disappearing to the back. She yelled that she’d make you something special and to wait. You pressed your lips together knowing it was pointless to tell her that all you wanted was pancakes and made your way to one of the booths in the back sitting down ungracefully. It was strange that she thought that you were coming to get Yoongi's food. Maybe Yoongi was a common name, and she was confused. All you knew is that you needed food terrible. And once you got it, you'd head back to the lab finish the mix, call Namjoon, and still probably get kicked out of the program.You started to chew on the inside of your lip as you pulled out your phone to text Tae. You desperately missed his smile,|Y/N: What would you do if I wasn’t at Big Hit anymore? This was a triggering question, especially for Tae. You were hoping that it wasn’t going to freak him out to the point where he’d call you, but the only way to get the thought of not being here out of your head was to know that no matter what happened that your bonds with everyone here would still be intact. You stared at the dots as Tae replied.|Tae: Would you still be in Korea? Would you just be at another company?A gentle exhale escaped your lips as you thanked your lucky stars that Tae didn’t get worried |Y/N: They allow that?! Company jumping? Didn’t I sign a non-compete or something?|Tae: *laughing crying emoji* *laughing crying emoji* *laughing crying emoji*|Tae: You don’t know what you signed?!|Tae: I donno. I’d still be your friend.|Tae: Why? Are you going somewhere?
|Y/N: No. Just thinking. And I missed you.
|Tae: I miss you too.|Tae: You know it’s a quick train to Daegu. You can hang with me and my family…it’ll be funnnn!
|Y/N: Love you! No thanks though. This mix isn’t gonna make itself.|Tae: What mix? While you were crafting a response to Tae’s text, the door dinged as someone walked inside. You were too busy typing out your plans to lead your team to victory to look up. Ajumma hollered for the person to wait for a second, then you heard her shuffle out. She sucked on her teeth loudly and smacked her hand on the table. It jolted you away from your phone,“Oh. You came to get your food huh?” She inquired chuckling at the customer.“What?” He questioned, his voice deep and raspy. It sounded a lot like Yoongi. You glanced up quickly seeing the man’s back to you, a black pea coat resting on his shoulders with a black cap on his dark locks.Ajumma’s eyes twinkled as she got on her tip toes looking over his shoulder at you, “I thought you sent a little lion to get your food,” As your eyebrows furrowed together, the man paused then looked around the room. His beautiful eyes connected with yours and immediately a giant smile appeared on your face. It was, in fact, Yoongi. Good to know that you can spot his voice out now. You gave a little wave before tucking your bottom lip in your mouth. The joy that you suddenly felt was different – or was it that you were more aware of your reaction to him? You blamed Marina for whatever was happening with you right now. You coughed looking away hoping that you didn't give off the response that you were excited to see him. Ajumma hobbled off while announcing that she was going to get Yoongi’s food and that he should feel lucky that he didn’t get smacked. Yoongi laughed lightly before making his way over. Maybe you never looked that closely at him, but did Yoongi always walk so confidently? His stride, even over the short distance between the counter and your table, was a sight to behold. He shoved one hand in the pocket of his jeans and stood near the table his mouth covered by a mask,“You almost got me in trouble with Ajumma.” Yoongi chuckled pulling his mask down slowly.You rolled your eyes, "I have nothing to do with that! I walked in, and Ajumma assumed that I was getting your order for you. When I just wanted pancakes. But she was so focused on her precious smol angel baby Min Yoongi that she just walked in the back and said she'd make me something special. So, if anything, you ruined my lunch." Yoongi laughed softly before sitting across from you, the light from the sun making his skin glow. He closed his eyes and leaned back letting it fall across his whole face allowing it to warm his skin for a few moments, “I’m sorry I ruined your lunch, Bunny.” Then he opened them slightly looking you up and down, “Although, I’m a little disappointed that you went to go to our spot without me.”“Our spot?” You questioned leaning forward on the table propping your head up with your fist, “When did this become our spot?” You held your breath for a moment trying to ease your racing heart.“Oh? It’s not our spot? Have you been here with someone else?” He smirked while delicately moving his eyebrow up, before crossing one arm over his chest. It was his other hand that rubbed against his bottom lip that made your stomach knot and heat press against your cheeks.“Actually, better question…why are you here?”“Because I’m hungry.” He blinked, “Are you ignoring my question?” It wasn’t that you were ignoring his question. It was that you needed to push everything Marina said out of your mind because it was causing you to read too deeply into everything. You took a deep breath and looked over his shoulder hoping that Ajumma would come out with the food soon. Yoongi’s piercing gaze never left your skin, even when you looked deep into his starry eyes. His face blossomed into a huge, gummy grin with a dusting of red on his pale cheeks.You rolled your eyes at him fighting the tingles across your skin, “I meant why are you still in Seoul? Why aren’t you home for the break? “Oh.” He paused before laughing silently and scratching the back of his head, “My family is coming here tomorrow.”“How fun.” You grinned. Yoongi mentioned his older brother and parents to you before. How he loved his older brother’s cooking and how he got his mouth from his mother. You still thought that dumpling was a great nickname.“So, who else do you come here with?” Yoongi mumbled jealousy coming through his tone. You raised an eyebrow at him,“Nobody. I haven’t been here since our breakfast. You don’t have to worry. I'm sure you've brought that girl you like here, so I'm not sure why it matters if I bring someone here." You grumbled staring at the curtain that Ajumma was hidden behind. The food had to be ready by now. You wanted to take it back to your cave and not think about Yoongi with this girl here.“I have brought that girl here. She ordered pancakes.” He sighed as if he was tired of trying to communicate something with you. Why did he have to tell you that? Now you feel bad. Because she had to have some taste if she ordered pancakes. And you only disliked her because you didn’t know who she was. As soon as you got a name these feelings of irritation would disappear you were sure of that. You looked back at him to see his smile soft, face still flushed. You gave him a half smile about to lie to him about how much you liked this girl. If she ordered pancakes, she was alright in your book.Ajumma walked out with two bags – one of Yoongi and one for you. She scolded him about how he doesn’t come around enough one last time before you both bowed and walked out into the frigid air. You had no idea what was in your bag, but you were dying to dive in and get back to your mix. You shivered slightly and moved your body quickly turning left to BigHit,“Where are you going?” Yoongi questioned as you made your way back to campus.“The studio. I’m working on PRISM’s mix for the exhibition.” You replied while walking backward. You gave him a small wave before turning back around wishing the campus was closer. It was getting colder by the moment.“Alright.” Yoongi called out to you, the shuffling of his feet became faster as he caught up with you, “Can I listen to it?” “No.” You laughed, “It’s not ready. Marina confirmed that.” Yoongi nodded and started to walk faster than you; complaining about the cold. You shrugged commenting that he was born here, and he should be used to it. You were the one who was genuinely freezing. You walked a little faster to meet him, then he started to jog. So, you began to jog. Before you knew it both of you were sprinting across campus, laughter, and squeals of delight lifting in the air. Yoongi was faster than you thought he’d be, but you kept pressing determined not to lose. When you hit the main door, you slowed down not to fall putting your hands on your knees gulping air.“I won.” Yoongi wheezed next to you. You blinked at him standing up and putting your hands on your hips, “That means I get to listen to it.”“No, it doesn’t, and we never put those parameters around the race. It’s not ready.”"You weren't ready for the studio test, and you still took it. Ready doesn't really mean much to you." Yoongi shrugged dusting off his pants. You blinked at him and walked over poking his chest,“Well. Supreme thought I was ready because I passed. We’ve been over this.”“Are you claiming that Supreme is a better producer than I am?” Yoongi asked with his eyebrows up and eyes large. “Because if you think that passing with him means that you –”“I don’t have time for whatever this is.” You sighed, “You wanna test me, Yoon? Test me.” Yoongi smirked and crossed his arms over his chest before looking you up and down. There was something else in his eyes that made your stomach tighten and a fever press against your cheeks. Your heart started to race slightly as his smirk became wider and he nodded once. Excitement ran through your body.“Fine. I’ll test you. But if you don’t pass, I get to listen to the mix, and you make me dinner.” You scrunched up your face and shook your head, “I’m not making you dinner.”“If you pass you don’t have to and here’s a bonus. If you pass, I’ll make you dinner.” He offered. You pursed your lips and sighed slightly,“If I pass do you still get to listen to the mix?”“Yup.” Yoongi laughed before grabbing your hand, “C’mon.” As Yoongi dragged you along you to his studio, you couldn't stop thinking about how soft and warm his hand was while it wrapped around yours. You stared at his back and thought about how much things have changed. Even though it wasn’t that long ago – it felt like another lifetime when you stood in front of his studio begging for him to teach you. Both of you were two different people now. You chewed on the inside of your cheek and squeezed his hand. Yoongi looked over his shoulder at you and smiled brightly, his bottom teeth showing. You sped up your steps to be by his side. Yoongi pulled out his keycard from his pocket unlocking the door then swore under his breath, pulling his hand from yours slowly leaving your hand cold in the middle of the hallway.“Go ahead and go in.” He nodded handing his bag of food to you, “I need something to drink. Do you want anything?” “Uh…sprite?” You blinked while grabbing the food. Then you furrowed your brows gesturing at his studio, “How am I supposed to go in there without you.”“I told you the code.” Yoongi blinked, “Remember?” He nodded and turned around quickly walking to the vending machines. Every fiber of your being tingled. You thought that Yoongi changed the code immediately when you weren't speaking. You felt that that night was the last time you'd see his studio, but you could've gone into it at any point you wanted too. You nodded to yourself and bit your bottom lip keying his code in. Your heart soared when it unlocked, and you ducked inside. The Genius Lab was as neat as the first time you went into it. Nothing changed. Your seat the same right next to his. The cute knickknacks on the self. The sofa where you slept on. The wall of photos – your picture with Yoongi still hung with pride. You narrowed your eyes on a new image. It was you. Hanging up next to the picture of his family. You were sitting on Yoongi’s couch, deep in thought looking away from the camera your lips in a soft smile. Your legs were crossed with a notebook and pen in your lap. You tilted your head trying to figure out when this picture was from.When Yoongi walked in you pointed to the picture, “Did you take this?” Yoongi looked over at it and shrugged before handing you the Sprite. He took his food and plopped down in his seat digging through the contents,“Yeah. A while ago.”“I don’t remember you taking this.” You pressed sitting down in the chair beside him. Yoongi shrugged as you started to open up your own food,“You looked at home, so I took the picture. What does it matter?”“Because you can’t take pictures of me without my consent.” You sighed not understanding why he didn’t know that,“Tae takes pictures of you all the time.” He replied simply. Then he looked at your unopened food and waited. You rolled your eyes and started to unpackage what Ajumma made for you. Whatever it was it smelled and tasted amazing. You chewed and covered your mouth looking back at Yoongi,
“I don’t like it when he does it, so why do you think you can do it?”“Because you’re cute.” He replied slurping his noodles. Oxygen left the room as a deep blush appeared on your cheeks. You knew that Yoongi thought you were beautiful – but hearing him call you cute especially when you were sorting out your feelings for him was just a step too much for you. You looked away from him and mumbled whatever while you kept eating. Yoongi smirked slightly and told you to eat up because as soon as you two were finished, he would start.
It was good that Yoongi gave you the time to eat because you would’ve fucked the test up somehow if you didn’t. The headache that made its home in between your eyebrows faded away with every bite. You offered Yoongi a taste of yours by putting it near his lips then pulling it away playfully as he was about to bite it. Maybe you shouldn't tease your ‘instructor' right before an exam but the way his eyes got big and he growled at you made it worth it. As he was about to put his last bite in his mouth, you opened your mouth wide going ‘Ah.' Yoongi looked at you then down at his food before rolling his eyes and placing it on your tongue. “I think I’m your favorite.” You snorted chewing it slowly,“Don’t talk with your mouth full.” Yoongi sighed throwing his trash away. You grinned and fought off the urge to call him Daddy again. Just for effect. You placed your half-eaten lunch on the couch and stretched up ready to get this over with then head to your mix, "Don't be upset when you don't pass with me…again"“You only didn’t pass me the first time because you were in a bad mood. You seem to be in a much more pleasant state, Suga-seonbae.” Yoongi’s tilted his head as his tongue ran across his bottom lip. A tingly sensation ran through your body. You felt like you were a moment from falling off a very tall cliff into darkness, but you weren’t scared. You were never scared with Yoongi. He sat down in the chair and crossed his legs,“I’m not going to go easy on you.”“I wouldn’t expect you too.” You breathed the electricity in the room growing. Yoongi grinned darkly and gave a short nod,“Good. Patch me through to line 8.” That was the exact way it started last time. You bit your bottom lip trying to conceal your smile because your heart was racing because Yoongi remembered. Or he could begin all his tests that way. You followed his every word. He wanted to be patched to a different line, overlaying that line on another line, making sure the booth could hear…anything Yoongi instructed you to do you did it. You didn't need to look at him to know his smile was bright and proud. You could hear it in his tone. After his final question, you stood there looking at the board knowing you passed, knowing you did everything right.“Well?” You questioned softly. Yoongi said nothing. You looked over your shoulder to see what he was doing if he was scoring you or just sleeping. Yoongi stood behind you with a soft smile his starry eyes shining, and you swallowed turning to meet him, "Well?" You asked again.Yoongi grinned wider leaning in closer, “How do you think you did?”“I think I did great. I think I passed.” You answered leaning in closer as a challenge. He shrugged a bit not backing down licking his bottom lip,“I’m not sure.” He smirked his eyes dipping down for a split second as you took your lip in your mouth and bit down lightly, “What happens if you pass again?”“You make me dinner.” You hummed feeling sparks against your skin as he grew nearer. Your heart was loud in your ears as your blood pressed against your cheeks and lit up your ears. Yoongi tilted his head slightly with a slight shake of his head,“And I get to listen to the mix.”“Since you are so insistent.” You sang watching some of his hair fall into his eyes. You grumbled slightly and reached up pushing it out of his beautiful eyes. As your fingertips moved away from his forehead, he grabbed your hand and pulled you in close his other hand making a home in the small of your back. A small gasp left your lips as you Yoongi held you. But who could blame you! The sudden pull surprised you! You pursed your lips at him slightly irritated at his strange behavior. It was his apologetic smile that made you relax and place your head on his shoulder. Right where it belonged. Yoongi leaned his head against yours and swayed slowly back and forth. “What are you doing?”“I hear music.” Yoongi whispered.“Don’t you always hear music?” You smirked listening to this steady heartbeat. It was the perfect base to the tune that was forming in your head. A gentle song about finding someone who completed you and made you better. You heard your voice soaring next Yoongi’s quick tongue. It was a love song. Yoongi's humming sounded nothing like what was happening in your head, but it fits. The music in your mind was melodic while what he was humming was full of staccatos and repetition. He was humming a rap; you were thinking of the melody to go with it. After a few moments the humming stopped, but the swaying did not. The two of you dancing in the middle of his studio. With no prying eyes or unwanted interruptions. Just dancing with your idol. Your Yoongi. Your Yoongi. Marina's voice came blaring through your skull about leading him on. You grimaced…is that what you're doing? Why the fuck are you dancing with him in his studio anyway? He was supposed to tell you if you passed, or not and somehow you wound up in his arms dancing. And neither of you like to dance! You pushed yourself away from him quickly coughing and crossing your arms over your chest,“Are you going to tell me if I pass or not.” You mumbled looking away from him taking a deep breath to calm yourself down."You passed," Yoongi responded. There was something in his voice that made him sound farther away than he actually was. A soft sadness. The electricity in the room replaced with ice. You bit the inside of your cheek and turned to him with a big smile forcing yourself to ignore the sparks on your skin from where he touched you, from how good it felt to be in his arms…all of it.“I knew I would! Now. I’m going to fix my mix up. Your place? 6pm? I like pasta. Can you make pasta? And I don’t mean noodles. I mean pasta.” You sputtered starting to walk out of the door. "I'll see you later and…" You turned around and bowed at him slowly, "Thank you, Suga-seonbae. Since you are no longer my tutor…I guess that name is done for unless I'm giving interviews huh?""You're gonna bring me up in interviews?" Yoongi chuckled quietly, even with the faraway look in his eyes.“Well, of course. You taught me everything I know!” You nodded then mumbled that you’d see him later. Once you were out of his studio, you placed your hands over your mouth and screamed into them rushing back to your studio. What happened back there?! You blamed Marina for all of this. Making you overthink a pure, innocent dance. That's all that was. Innocent. A sweet dance between two friends. You're not sure why Yoongi pulled you in to dance or where that came from. You merely followed his lead, and it's not like it wasn't lovely to dance with him. You loved Yoongi, so why wouldn't you want to dance with him. That's all. Easy. You didn’t lead him on and aren’t in love with him. All you've ever wanted to do was impress Yoongi. If he was going to listen to the mix tonight and probably give you notes that you didn't ask for it had to be in better shape. You sat down in the chair pulling up the file to your mix trying to focus on that. And not the accidental love song that you and Yoongi created. That was weird too. You stretched your neck back and forth listening to the mix once more. You spent the next three hours working on getting the mix in a better place. You ignored alerts and texts on your phone because you wanted to get this done, have Yoongi feed you, then come back implementing the notes he’d would probably give you. You let the mix play around you once more, pleased in the strides you made with it. It flowed much better together. Now the next step would be assigning parts. That was the part you were dreading the most. Once you gathered your things and exited the studio, you looked at your phone. You swiped away a winter weather advisory mentioning a snow storm that evening. Yoongi texted you to meet him at a different address, somewhere in UN Village. Marina asked you if you ate and you told her yes. Then you told her not to ask about the Blackmail – Yoongi – Namjoon situation. She sent you a back a gif of someone rolling their eyes and told you to do better. Namjoon called you twice, you texted him back that you were deep in making the mix and you'd call him tomorrow at some point. He replied he missed you and you grimaced looking at those words. But still, you answered back you missed him too. Even though there was no logical reason to be afraid of your dorm, you still opened the door up gingerly calling out to any unwanted people inside. Then you stood near the door staying as even as you could to focus on the silence of the dorm listening for any strange sounds. When you thought the place was clear you rushed to your bedroom not wanting to spend any more time in there than you had too. Dinner? What to wear to dinner? You squinted your eyes at all of your athleisure then glanced at your other clothes. If Yoongi was cooking your dinner, you should at least be respectful enough to wear something decent. Like if you were going to dinner with your friends back at home. You threw some options on the bed before running to the shower, that song still playing in your head begging to be released. You half sang it giving silence for where Yoongi’s words would be. As you let the shampoo rinse out of your curls, lyrics started to appear to you. While the deep condition set in the baseline became clearer. The song was begging to be written, and it was the first time in a long time you felt so strongly about a piece of music. You sighed promising to start it as soon as you got back from dinner and wrapped a towel around your body walking to your room. Quickly, you threw on the easier of the two outfits. If it weren't so cold, you would've gone with the tight skirt option, but skinny jeans, a gray V-neck, and a red flannel tied around your waist was the best it was gonna be for today. You glanced at your hair in the mirror and sighed starting to create a part to make your signature buns. They haven't made an appearance in a while, and it would probably make Yoongi smile. The black box that held your necklace sat in the corner of your desk. You always wanted a good reason to wear it – maybe your first photo shoot or when you debuted but right now seemed as good as any. The velvet looked amazing against your brown skin, the charm sitting right in the v of your collar bone. You smiled tapping it a few times. You grabbed your notebooks, laptop, and other items you thought you might need if Yoongi was going to give you some feedback on the mix throwing them into a bag. Finally, you were ready to go. You'd be late, but he'd forgive you. Why were you going to UN Village anyway? You didn’t feel like getting on the train and groaned softly getting your mind right to be among all of those people. Yoongi’s dorm was just down the street and much easier to get too. And he was making you dinner…not like you had a say in where he was making you dinner at. You paused for a moment hoping that you weren’t going over to his girlfriend’s house. Your heart and jaw tightened at the idea. Then your heart stopped for another reason. There was a manila envelope laying not too far from the door. Like someone slid it under as a gift. Like someone knew you were home. You sucked your teeth walking over to it angrily, snatching it off the ground and ripping it open in one smooth movement. You knew it was your blackmailer. It terrified you that they knew you were here, but you couldn't let them scare you. You couldn't let them win. You pulled out the contents. All of your oxygen left your body in the form of a silent scream. Pictures of you with your eyes scratched out fell to the floor from your hands. Covered in the words ‘LEAVE BITCH' ‘KKAMDOONGIE' ‘WHORE' ‘GET OUT.' The ones with no words were covered in puncture holes as if someone was trying to stab you. Red marker like blood coming from your eyes and mouth. Then you covered your mouth keeping the guttural noises inside your throat while you started to shake. Fear. Pure fear. You thought maybe that the blackmailer was harmless, but this was another level. They hated you. They really hated you. What were you going to do? A stinging started in your nose as you started to gasp for air. You were shaking so hard that you sank to your knees terrified of these people. You couldn't do this alone anymore. You needed to tell someone. Tears clouded your vision as you pulled your phone out, blinking and rubbing to see trying to dial Namjoon's line. With every ring, your throat started to tighten until his voicemail came through,“Hey! Leave your message after the tone. Thanks!” His deep timber helped calm you enough for you to speak,“Namjoon,” You croaked, “So…some…someone is blackmailing me…wait --.” The beeping of a call coming through the other line distracted you. You clicked over, “Hello?” You whispered,“Bunny? Are you okay?” Yoongi asked. You looked at the time swearing, you were very late to dinner,“Huh?” You said louder than you meant to rubbing your eyes and shoving the pictures into your bag, “Yeah! Yeah. I’m fine…I just got a little distracted. I’m on my way now.”“Okay. Let me know if you have any trouble finding your way.” He said. You could see Yoongi’s slow nod and confused look. You prayed he didn't hear that you were upset. Because if he asked…you’d probably tell him, and you didn’t want to worry him. You hummed and muttered goodbye before hanging up. You looked up the directions again then grabbed your coat running out the door – you were about to miss the next train.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Fight or flight was such an unusual reaction. It was created and honed over generations of human beings to protect them from creatures or events that were dangerous. If something was too big or too scary to deal with, then run away. It made total sense. Big animal coming to get you run away! Or in your case, there was a crazy blackmailer wants to kill you RUN AWAY! And you ran. The icy air pumped through your lungs as you made your way to the train station, the smell of snow in the air. You sped through getting a ticket, your words clipped and senses heightened. You couldn’t help but fear that someone standing near you or someone walking past you wanted to harm you and you wanted to be as far away from unknown possibilities. As soon as you got inside the train car, you made to secure a seat nearest the corner, trying to keep your eyes down. Afraid that you'd see a gleaming grin before a knife appeared. Why was this happening to you? What did you do? Your throat tightened as the images of your face carved up, and bloody stayed at the front of your mind. Every bump, jolt, cough from another person terrified you. You wanted nothing more than to hold yourself close and sob but as long as you were out in public you couldn’t relax. So, you took deep breaths trying to focus on anything but the panic that was eating you alive. The panic that the blackmailer was still watching you. They had been waiting all that time to slide those pictures under your door. Waiting until you were comfortable. Waiting…watching…planning. They could’ve killed you if they really wanted too. They could’ve stood outside of your dorm door and stabbed you right in the heart. You exhaled forcefully trying not to think of yourself lying in a pool of blood. But with each passing second you kept seeing yourself on the ground, wounded, dying. You kept imagining the feeling of a blade passing through your flesh, cutting major arties and the searing pain as you stared into the eyes of you would be murderer. You tried to keep your breathing even but the more thoughts of your death the more rapid your breathing became. You dug your nails into your thighs not wanting to have a full-blown panic attack on the train – you’d never make it Yoongi’s. The blackmailer didn’t want to kill you, right? Even though those pictures made you feel like the answer was yes, a little part of you thought no. Because if they wanted to kill you, they could’ve just done it. But it didn’t stop the thoughts of your death and the aftermath. The way your mother would scream. How Kevin would stuff his feelings down to console her and Marina. Tae’s tears one more time due to you. Namjoon's taught jaw. Yoongi's dull eyes...all because you didn't dare to ask for help. All because you were so fucking stupid not to just give in to their simple demands. They wanted you gone? Well, you wanted to be alive. Even though you fought so hard to get here…it wasn't worth your life. Because, if you were dead you couldn't make music and that was what this was all about, right? …to make music? You swallowed and looked up as the train slowed down, nearing your stop. It was a decision you didn't want to make, but it was better to be alive than dead, you mean safe than sorry. When the doors to the train opened a gust of snow poured in, it looked like someone poked a hole through a snow globe. You walked through the doors pulling your phone out, not caring about the cold or the wind. The snow landed on your head melting slightly on your curls, seeping to your skull. You needed to send this decision out now before you changed your mind and potentially made things worse for yourself. You’ve fought hard. But enough is enough. You opened up your emails and found the message from UNKNOWN. You typed out your response to them quickly looking it over once before sending out in cyberspace, the knot in your stomach tightening instead of loosening. Y/N 6:45 PM You Win I got your…note. I will leave the program. I will leave Seoul. I will leave Korea. But after the competition. I can’t let my bandmates down. Y/N Before you had a chance to put your phone back in your pocket, a response came through. You clicked on it walking to Yoongi's apartment your bones feeling more like the ice that was starting to form around you. UNKNOWN 6:47 PM RE: You Win Good. Thank you for your cooperation. Cooperation? COOPERATION! You bit down on the inside of your cheek to keep yourself from screaming. It wasn't cooperation. It was blackmail. It was fear. It was a lose-lose situation. Tell Bang PD this is happening then get kicked out. Don't do what they ask, and they may kill you. And if you had to choose an option, it'd be to leave with your head held high than be kicked out like some garbage on the street. Cooperation. You scoffed and stomped your way to Yoongi's place. As you hit the lobby of his building, you stopped in your tracks realizing that you were going to have to tell everyone that you were leaving. You couldn’t just ghost on them like last time. Shit. Shittt! Fuck. The positive was that you had time to tell Yoongi. You just needed to get through this dinner without somehow freaking out on him like you always did. One night with Yoongi. You tried to shrug off some tension and dropped your hands headed to the elevator. In a funny (not funny at all actually) turn of events, this was sort of like your last supper. Yoongi wouldn't know that, but that is what it would feel like to you. Suddenly, you were happy to meet the girl he cared for. Because now that you were leaving, it was good that he had someone that cared about him as much as you did. That eased your heart a little bit. As long as Yoongi would be okay, you'd find a way to endure. Once the elevator opened, you took a deep breath finding your way to his door, trying to push out the nerves that started to bubble up. It was now or never. Meet her. Eat food and go home. In that order. You took a deep breath and knocked on the door, fully expecting some beautiful girl to open it. Would she be surprised by you? Or would you be common knowledge? It filled you with a little bit of pride to think that Yoongi told his girl about you. After a few moments of silence, you blinked and knocked again, harder. “Uh…I…shit…IT’S OPEN!” Yoongi cried from inside followed by the sounds of pots clanging, then a lot more swearing. “Yoongi?” You questioned pushing the door open but stopped immediately looking at his apartment. It was the floor to ceiling windows that showed the beauty of Seoul that made you lose your breath. The twinkling lights plus the picturesque flurry was the most beautiful thing that you had probably ever seen. You closed the door behind you walking in and taking in all of the decor. From the pictures on the wall, ranging from beautiful paintings to dope concert photos of some of Yoongi's favorite artists to the dark blue couch that looked like you could sleep on forever. Even though you were sure this place didn’t see a lot of Yoongi, it felt like him. There was an immediate feeling of comfort you got from being in the space. You took off your coat, hanging it on the rack by the door and dropped your bookbag starting to explore. Before you got any further another loud clang pulled your attention and you followed the sound down the hallway,“Yoon?” You asked again, getting concerned with the sounds of disaster coming from down the hall. Yoongi stood in the kitchen that looked like it was taken right from one of those fancy interior design magazines. His eyes were closed tight while gripping the beautiful white marble countertop, his gray button-up shirt pushed up to show off his forearms and tucked into his skinny black jeans. He changed his clothes too, although his clothes were a tad nicer than yours, you didn’t feel too underdressed. You were glad you didn’t go for the athleisure look. He sighed heavily and put his fingers through his hair, mumbling something to his self. From the sight around him; your dear friend Yoongi was having a difficult time cooking. Pots and pans were littered on the counter, something had bubbled over on the stove, and there was the faint smell of burning. "Why can't I calm down?" Yoongi muttered loudly putting his hand over his heart. You tilted your head and blinked before taking a quiet step in. He kept whispering with his eyes tightly closed, not even realizing how you were standing next to him.“You okay?” You teased leaning close to his face. Yoongi snapped his eyes over to you a deep crimson appearing on his soft cheeks but his eyes full of joy. His look caused the oxygen in the room to be a little thinner then a mild heat rose to your cheeks as you looked away out of slight embarrassment. Marina’s wrong words rising to the top of your mind,Yoongi sighed and gestured to the mess around him before putting a hand on his hip out of frustration, “I’m just having a bit of trouble getting dinner together.”“Why?” You really tried to keep your giggles in check, but the more you looked at the chaos, the more you could imagine the moments before your arrival. Yoongi cursing at the top of his lungs, calling Jin-oppa. All over some pasta which honestly was one of the simplest things in the world to make. You pressed your lips together hard trying to keep the sputtering from coming out.Yoongi took another breath and shook his head, “I burned the noodles not once, but twice. Then I was going to try to make the sauce, but I failed in that too.” Yoongi looked distraught, his beautiful eyes gliding over what should’ve been a finished meal by the time you got there. That look of disappointment in his eyes made your heart tighten. It wasn’t that big of a deal to you honestly. It was just food. You wrapped your arms around his body and hugged him tightly,“You didn’t fail. I mean you kinda did, but its nothing we can’t solve.” You shrugged looking up at him. Yoongi looked down at you then his pink lips turned into a natural smile as he put his arms around you, “Are you sure we can’t just order in?” He whispered his starry eyes looking deep into yours. It was the kind of look that made everything in the world disappear except for you and him. You swallowed slowly knowing that you should part yourself from him before this girl of his pops out of the shadows and gets the wrong idea. His beautiful eyes dipped down to your throat and smiled, seeing his gift sitting nicely in the v of your collarbone. You tapped it once feeling your heart start to race once more, "I like your necklace, Bunny." “Thanks, someone really cool bought it for me…but this is not the dinner I was promised by winning.” You laughed nudging him away as your heart started to thump in your throat, “Also, why didn’t your girl help you make dinner?”"Nobody is here but you," Yoongi answered rolling his eyes,You hummed before nodding, “Oh. I thought that she might come.” You brushed past him looking at his pile of ingredients, trying to figure out how to save this dinner. There was more than enough to make a great meal. While you were separating items, you thought that you heard Yoongi say something along the lines of ‘she might, depending on how dinner goes' but when you looked over your shoulder he stood there with his nose scrunched up in confusion, "What?"“What are you doing?”"I'm about to make dinner since you couldn't." You replied simply, crouching down and opening his cabinets looking for another cutting board and some more pots. “Not that I couldn’t!” Yoongi argued, “But I just…got distracted by my thoughts and…”"Yeah, all I'm hearing is that you couldn't. It's fine, though. I like cooking. Plus, I don't know when I'm going to be able to cook in a kitchen like this again, so I got it from here." You nodded standing up with the items you need, "But I do need something from you,"“What? To cut?” He grumbled not happy that he was getting his role taken from him,“No, I need music. I’m surprised it’s not pouring out of every speaker you got.” Yoongi paused and blinked, realizing that there wasn't any music playing. He scratched his eyebrow then slid his fingers behind his ears, tapping the spot a few times while he pulled his phone out to play something. You shook your head and put your hand out for it. Yoongi raised an eyebrow and smirked shaking his head back,“No.”“Yes!” You nodded, “I’m making dinner, I’m picking the tunes.”"You aren't supposed to make dinner. You are taking it from me because you think I'm incapable." You looked over your shoulder at the mess behind you once more and shrugged, "Not saying incapable…just maybe pasta isn't your thing. It's mine, though. C'mon. Phone." “I said no, BunBun.” Maybe it was because you knew your time with Yoongi was fleeting or perhaps you were just feeling silly. Or it could be because you didn't have to worry about how you appeared to be to someone else around because with Yoongi you could always be your more authentic self. But for some reason, you launched yourself at him quickly snatching the phone out of his hand and running out of the kitchen. You ran down the hall back to the living room and stood on the other side of the couch looking at his iPhone. He had the face ID on it, of course. You groaned and looked up to see him slowly walking to the living room,“I need your face.”"It's right here." Yoongi smirked, pointing his perfect looking face from the opposite end of the couch, "Come and get it." You grinned showing off all your teeth, trying to figure out if there was some way you could pin him down. He had you on height, just barely, and he was stronger than you. You sighed and looked back at the phone, knowing the face wasn't the right way to win this.“Eh…” You shrugged, “Since I can’t have your face…I guess I’ll –““I never said you couldn’t have my face. You want my face? It’s yours.” Yoongi announced cutting you off. You paused, looking at him. You knew it was a joke…this was all one big stupid game, but the way he said, ‘it’s yours.' He said it like he really meant it. You rolled your eyes and waved your hand at him, trying to ignore how your pulse quickened at the thought. You only heard it like that because of Marina. In fact, if anything else happened tonight with your heart or finding it hard to breathe, it was all her fault.“Wow. I’ve never had anything worth that much. Your face – it’s uh…so expensive right?” You made sure to pronounce it the same way he did in all of the memes you’d seen. His eyes got large and nodded while licking his bottom lip,“Is that how you wanna play?” Yoongi asked the grit in his voice coming straight for your heart. You nodded slowly as the tops of your ears started to burn, and a small smile growing on your face, “Don’t say I didn’t give you a chance.”“I don’t need a chance. I need a password or something.” You mumbled looking back at his phone while turning from him. You tried the code to the studio only to be met with a vibration that meant it was incorrect. That was annoying, but what was more annoying was how hyper-aware you were of Yoongi's movements as he was creeping close to you. The way the floorboards creaked quietly with every step. His soft breathing, "I hear you." You sighed trying to crack the code,“Sometimes, you do.” He mumbled, his warm breath tickling your ear. You opened your eyes as big as they could go turning to face him slowly your heart starting to quicken. Why the fuck was he so close to you?! Didn’t he know about the arm length rule! You jerked away from him, disliking how warm and close he was. How nice it was. But you were terrified by the closeness and uncomfortable with his warmth. You took a step back trying to get away from him, then the heel of your foot connected with the couch with a thud. You winced and tried to right yourself as your footing started to slide. You began to fall, and out of reflex, you grabbed the first thing you could. Yoongi's shirt. If you hadn't grabbed Yoongi's shirt, the following would've happened. You would've landed on the softest couch you've ever had the fortune of falling on. You would've made Yoongi feel bad for not giving you the password, therefore, causing this mess. Then, you would’ve hopped up and walked to the kitchen. Dinner would’ve been made. Good times had. The end. But you didn’t let go of Yoongi’s shirt. You held on to his shirt, trying to get some type of stability, but Yoongi wasn't prepared for the sudden change of weight. His eyes went large as he leaned back slightly, trying to gain some leverage, but you had fallen back too far holding on way too tight for Yoongi to correct anything. As that one physics class taught, the thing in motion is probably gonna take that other thing with it. Or you think that's what you learned. You shut your eyes as soon as you landed on the couch, bracing yourself for Yoongi's impact. The couch sunk in slightly from both of your bodies, but there was no crash. Yoongi had somehow stopped himself from falling on you completely; hovering over you. From the way the couch dipped, he landed with his hands on both sides of your head and one knee in between your legs. If you felt warm before you were burning up from head to toe. Your skin was basically an inferno. Embarrassed by how you fell and how you were even closer to him than before. The last time you were in this position, on your back with a man on top of you, was with Namjoon. You frowned slightly, not wanting to think about Namjoon at all. Yoongi's cologne and the soothing smell made you feel a little dizzy, a little excited. You swallowed and slowly started to open your eyes, blocking out the ambient noise of the wind and snow and focused on calming your heart.“Bunny.” Yoongi breathed, his warm breath fanning your face slightly. When you opened your eyes, you expected Yoongi to start to push himself off you with a quickness. But when your gaze met his, there was no movement, no sheepish smile or a joke. Just his steady stare with beautiful eyes. Eyes that you could look in forever if there were time. Then that same feeling you had when you were on the roof with him came over you. That same feeling you had when it was the two of you in the hospital. That same feeling that came over you when you were around him when you thought about him. That feeling of home. That feeling of right and good. That feeling of…you looked away quickly your face on fire,“Are you okay?” He asked. You nodded slowly moving backward, trying to breathe the deep blush on your face away. Laugh it off. That's all you had to do. Laugh it off. You let one small giggle, even though it was fake, leave your lips, “Yeah. Clumsy I guess.” You replied before holding out his phone, wanting this stupid moment in time over as soon as possible, "Pick the music, please. I’m in a Beyoncé mood with some Epik High, and Giriboy mixed in. Thank you." Yoongi looked at you for a moment longer before sighing and hopping off the couch. He grabbed the phone typing for a few seconds before Freedom started to play through the speakers. You closed your eyes once more, taking a deep breath focusing on Beyoncé's powerful voice and lyrics. Freedom, Freedom, I can’t move…Freedom cut me loose. Anything to not to look into his eyes for another moment. Eyes that you soon wouldn’t be able to see every day. It made your heart hurt."This couch is comfy. But let me get up and make us dinner." You nodded pushing off the couch, giving Yoongi a small smile. There was a new mood in the air. The feeling of awkward. Fucking Marina. If she hadn’t planted that seed, then everything wouldn't have been so uncomfortable for you. Tae's been on top of you like that before – followed by a very intense tickling session and you didn't feel tingly and nervous. It was just fun. And when Namjoon was on you like that, you felt lust and a slight joy. Why was it that you always felt something so incredibly different when it came to Yoongi? Why couldn't the feelings you felt just go away? Why couldn't Marina be wrong? You stopped in the middle of Yoongi's living room frowning hard. Marina was wrong. She had to be. You had no time to have feelings for Yoongi. None. Not with Namjoon and his feelings. Not with the fact that you were leaving. No. You had control of how you felt and thought, so you don’t like Min Yoongi. You don’t like him romantically at all. He hasn’t made you lose your breath, and you don't feel tingly when you are around him. He doesn't make you happier than any other friend would. He doesn't feel like home. Because if he did those things, it would be terrible. It would be horrific. As Yoongi passed you by asking if you were alright again, you looked down at your feet not wanting to look at him afraid that he'd see that same thing everyone else saw in your eyes.“How…uh…” You coughed staying still looking at the floor, “How do you know….” Yoongi stopped and looked over his shoulder. “How about we make dinner together?” You mumbled aborting the real question at the last second. It took everything in your brain not to ask how did he know that he liked that girl,“Oh. You trust me to make dinner now that I put music on?” He chuckled,"Cleary you need help." You nodded, trying to find the resolve not to think about feelings anymore and just have fun with your friend. All you had to do is get through this dinner and get back to your apartment. Don't do anything weird. Don't say anything strange. Just act normal and get out. You could do that. And if you did act funny, you had the added bonus that Yoongi knew you were prone to panic and freak when stressed out. Although he doesn't understand why you are stressing out. Do you even know why you are stressing out anymore? Yoongi lead you back to the kitchen and stood beside you waiting for you to give the orders. The first time you and Yoongi worked as a team, it was strange to you that neither one of you had to speak much to accomplish the task. But over time, it was nice to know that you didn't have to say anything to Yoongi to make magic happen. When you needed a knife, one appeared before you, and before he could ask for the salt, you placed it beside his hand. His 'thank you' making your cheeks flush again for no fucking reason. It was seamless. The two of you moved around the kitchen as if the two of you cooked dinners together all of your life. You chalked it up to him, basically growing up with six boys and you growing up with different people all of your life. As the music shifted back and forth between high energy American pop to mellow K-rap, you started to feel that nervous energy come out as dancing. A little shaking of the hips while you were stirring the sauce; it made you feel like Migos. When you the high-pitched notes of Feeling Myself came on you bopped your head in time rapping along with Nicki checking on the noodles.“WORLD STOP!” You cried pausing before mouth to Yoongi ‘carry on.’ Yoongi's laugh swayed alongside the song as he stopped cooking. You raised an eyebrow pursing your lips together in irritation. Why was he laughing? This song was bomb. He gave an apologetic smile,“Sorry. You just looked really cute.”Your throat tightened as butterflies moved along on your skin, your cheeks bright red. You looked away and shook your head, “Why do you have to say stuff like that?”“Because it’s the truth.” "It's not. You can't stay stuff like that to me." You nodded brushing past him, trying to keep your thoughts from tumbling all the way to a place you couldn’t return from. If Yoongi kept pressing you were sure to have a meltdown on him, and that's not where you wanted the night to lead too.“Why not?” He asked,"Because. You just can't." You sighed, hoping your tone would stop the follow-up question."I'm not going to lie to you." He sighed before moving closer to you. You kept your sight on the food, refusing to look at him, "You are cute. You are beautiful. You are important. You've changed my life for the better. All the things you don't want to hear I'm going to say because they are the truth."“Yoongi.” You snapped shaking your head, “Stop. Seriously.”“Look at me.”“No.” You grumbled walking past him opening cabinets so you could plate the food. This night was not heading in the direction you wanted.“Look. At. Me, Y/N-ah.” If you turned to look at him, all of your resolve would disappear into his starry eyes. All hope you had to keep yourself together would be gone. But still, you looked. You turned around and leaned against the counter, meeting his eyes. Yoongi smiled and took a step to you, grabbing your hand.“What, Yoongi?” You squeaked trying to take your hand back. He held on to it tighter and shook his head in disappointment sighing, “Sometimes I feel like even though I’m right in front of you, you don’t see me as a man. You see me as the boy from Daegu. You know of my hidden fears and joys. You allow me to be myself, my true self, but yet you don't really see me." “You aren’t making sense…” You breathed as he started running his fingers up and down the back of your hand, as your heart thumped rapidly. Yoongi looked deep into your eyes, shining brightly, “I – ” A bunch of buzzing came from your back pocket, stopping everything. You moved away from Yoongi quickly grabbing your phone and picking it up. You sighed and before you had a chance to say hello you heard,“Are you okay? I got your message. Blackmail?” Namjoon’s deep tone made you want to sink into the floor. You completely forgot about the call to Namjoon and now was not the time to have this conversation. Not with Yoongi less than 100 miles away. You looked at Yoongi’s puzzled and slightly hurt expression to mouth ‘Namjoon called.’ Yoongi nodded and started to plate the food mumbling that he’d be at the table.“Yeah. Yeah…I just got some –” “What do they want?” He spoke right over you, “What could the possibly have over you?”“Now’s not a good time.” You whispered to make sure Yoongi couldn’t hear, but Namjoon kept freaking out over the phone. You stayed silent as he nearly talked himself into a circle, “Joonie. They wanted me to leave…they had pictures of us and threatened my life. I’ve handled it though.”“Pictures of us?! What? How did you handle it?” Namjoon’s irritation and worry flowed through his voice."Don't worry – I can't talk right now, really. I'm at Yoongi's." You replied, trying to keep your voice steady, even though you wanted to hiss at him that you'd call him back later.“What?” There was a stillness over the phone, “Why are you at his place?”“Because he invited me over for dinner. Anyway. I’ve handled the situation. Can we talk about this tomorrow?” "Bunny, the food is going to get cold," Yoongi called from the dining room, “I’ll be right there!”“Bunny?” Namjoon mumbled over the phone. "Yeah, I told you about that nickname." You answered, then winced slightly feeling your stomach growling, "I promise to call you tomorrow."“Okay…” He whispered, “I miss you.”“Thanks.” You sputtered, "I'll see you soon, okay. Bye!" As soon as you hung up, you realized that Namjoon would be crushed by your lack of affection. The intention wasn’t to be cruel; it was just to rush him off the phone. You texted him quickly that you were in a weird mood and you’d talk to him tomorrow before shoving your phone in your pocket. While you made a few quick steps to the dining table, you prayed to every single God you could think of. You did not want Yoongi to ask what call was about and you prayed even harder that he didn’t hear any of it. Yoongi sat at the table, his hands under his chin, looking at the snow. It was a little heavier than when you came, but nothing that would stop the trains. You stood there, shifting your focus to Yoongi, always enjoying the moments when you got the chance to be still in his presence. To look at him without worry. His dark hair fell into his eyes slightly, and he shook it away, his hoop earrings swaying. The way his face lit up as you sat across from him made your cheeks flush."Sorry – Joonie was just checking on me." Even though it wasn't an exact lie, it still burned your tongue like one. You hated when you couldn't be completely truthful with Yoongi. Because you promised him and if your promises meant nothing, then why were you trying so hard. Yoongi looked at you for a second then nodded before putting some food in his mouth, "You excited to see your family tomorrow?"Yoongi smiled softly, “Yeah, it’s been too long. I miss them and Holly.” “I wanna meet Holly!” You cried while slurping noodles, “Ah! And snuggle him. And tell him he’s a good dog. And give him treats!” Yoongi looked down the smile on his face growing,"I don't know how you expect me not to call you cute when you are cute." He said with a slight pout on his lips. You pursed your lips at him and groaned,
"I don't know how you expect to be able to play piano without fingers either, but I'm sure if you keep calling me cute, you'll figure it out." “Yah! My fingers are important. Cut something else off because I’m not going to stop!” Yoongi announced putting down his utensils, not backing down for a moment. You sat back in your chair and crossed your arms over your chest,
“Fine. Call me cute. Call me whatever you want. You win. But only because while you might not be scary, ARMY is.”"I love them." He cooed, putting his hands over his chest. You knew that he meant it too, that he loved ARMY with every cell he had. The Idol/Fan relationship was something beautiful that now you'd never be able to experience, but as long as you could keep rooting for Yoongi, you might be alright. “I love you too, you know.” You stopped mid-chew staring at him wildly with noodles hanging from your lips. All you wanted to do was joke back at him, sass him like you usually do, but you couldn't stop gawking at him. Those three words made the tops of your ears burn. They made you want to die a little but then keep living so you could hear him repeat them. How long had you been staring at him? You need to say something back, anything back. You should tell him that you love him back because you do, with all of your heart. Friendly, of course. Say something back. It's not that big of a deal. If it were Tae, you'd say it. Why not just say it back!You rolled your eyes and sucked down the rest of the noodles, giving your racing thoughts a moment to quiet, “I know. Because I’m ARMY.”“OH HO!” Yoongi exclaimed, “You finally admit it!” “I promised never to lie to you.” You breathed glad not to have another awkward moment, but you needed to leave soon. Yoongi was acting strange, and you didn't think your mind could take it much longer. He raised an eyebrow and gave you a knowing look. Before he could call you out on all of the half-truths you’d ever told him you blurted, “When am I’m going to get the tour?”“I’m surprised you haven’t poked around on your own. That is your thing.” He teased. You exhaled happy that the topics had changed,“I’m sorry. Did I not help make a dinner that I was promised would be made for me? Also, when would I've had time to go searching through your apartment? A girl pokes around a boy's studio one time, and she'll never live it down, huh?"“Poking around a man’s studio is like poking around in his heart. You gotta be careful.” Yoongi nodded before pushing his seat back. You blinked while he walked over to you with his hand out, “You wanna give me the tour now? But our food isn’t finished…” You laughed lightly as Yoongi shrugged and smiled at you, waiting. You grabbed his hand without question standing up then realized what he said, “Am I not careful?”“With my heart?” He asked, leading you through the house, your hand fitting snuggly in his. He pointed to his bedroom, to the guest bedroom that he changed into a studio. You knew where the kitchen was.
“What? What does your heart have to do with me being curious about the things in your studio, Yoon?” You questioned peaking your head into the bathroom, noting that the shower looked fancy as hell with its six shower jets.“You’re not curious about my heart then?”“Should I be?” You tried to shrug nonchalantly wondering how you the two of you got on this topic, “Here’s what I know about your heart, Min Yoongi. It beats for music. It beats for your fellow members. It beats for ARMY. It beats for lamb skewers.”“That’s it?”“I mean the list goes on. You aren’t heartless. You love your dog, you love your family, you love lots of things.”"You're forgetting one thing." Yoongi smiled, squeezing your hand, your heartbeat skyrocketing in his palm."If you say me, I say that I'm included in ARMY." You muttered looking up at him. His gentle giggle bubbled out of his mouth, and he leaned in close, “I was going to say I love naps. I love naps more than I love most things.” You laughed at him and pushed him away, playfully shaking your head heading back to the dining room. Thank God he didn’t say he loved you again. Marina’s fault. A simple phrase now twisted and possibly taken the wrong way because she’s making you think you feel something more for him when in actuality you don’t. You plopped down in your seat and started to eat laughing and chatting with him. Yoongi’s stories of the boys before their debut was some of your favorites. Imaging the seven of them cramped in a one-bedroom dorm always made you laugh so hard you’d cry. Ever since you decided to be an Idol, you thought about living in a one-bedroom dorm with your girls. You sleep on the couch with someone on a blowup bed in the living room, and the two twin beds filled with other girls. You always imagined it with your team, but that dream was fleeting. Gone as soon as it came. But it was for the best. Yoongi was going to be so pissed when you told him the news, demanding to know the real reason why you left but some things would be best unsaid. Namjoon would probably try to come up with some plan to keep you here. Tae would probably hug you and with that mature side of his know that you are doing what's best for you. You wanted to make sure to listen and remember everything. Time with Yoongi was always precious, but it was like you could hear the clock ticking in your mind, counting down until you'd be back in LA and this all would be a distant memory. You laughed with him and told your own stories. The two of you ate until your bellies were swollen, him commenting that if he gets fat, it’d be your fault. A fault that you’d take with pride. Yoongi washed dishes; even though every time you tried to help, he’d tell you that this was his contribution to the evening. While Yoongi was finishing up the last dish, you leaned forward and put your head on the counter looking at him through your eyelashes knowing that it was time to go,“Hey. Thanks again for having me over for dinner.” You beamed before standing up and stretching slowly, “But I think I’m going to head out.” "Why?" He asked before looking at the clock, "It's still early, and the last train doesn't leave for another two hours."You puffed out your cheeks and blew out air, “I just don’t want to take up more of your time. Your family is coming tomorrow, right?” “Okay…and? Did you want to meet them?” Yoongi asked while looking away, his cheeks flushing slightly. You narrowed your eyes disbelief all over your face. Yoongi wanted you to meet his family? “Sure…I guess…but don’t think you have to introduce me to them because my family isn’t here.” "I'm not. I want you to meet my family because I want you to meet them. Especially because I didn't get a chance to meet your family when they were here." He answered with his bottom lip jutting out. You raised an eyebrow and put your hands on your puffs pulling them slightly to enlarge them,“Oh? You wanted to meet Momma, Marina, and Kevin? Why is that?” You smirked while chewing on your bottom lip. For a moment, your sight lingered on his puffy bottom lip and thought about how cute he was. But then that was hypocritical of you…even if it was the truth. “Only so I can get the best embarrassing stories from them.”"Yah! In that case, you'll never meet them because if it's one thing they have its embarrassing stories about me." You laughed shrugging at him. Marina had a few particularly humiliating videos of you dancing around to BigBang and old BTS songs. You cringed at the thought of Yoongi watching them, "All of my embarrassing stories can be found on the internet, sadly." Yoongi lamented shrugging, "Well, not all of them.”"Yeah, actually…" You nodded, taking a few steps back, “I want to meet your family. I wanna hear about all of the baby Yoon days and the Gloss days.”"Okay and then the next time your family is in town I'll meet them. Or when I go to LA, I'll find Marina. I just have to follow my name being screamed right."You rolled your eyes and shook your head walking out of the kitchen headed for your things, "If you do that there's no guarantee that you'd find just her. If I remember correctly, you are kind of a big deal."“That’s what they say.” Yoongi chuckled following behind you, “What are you doing?”“Getting my stuff so I can go. If I’m meeting your family tomorrow, I have to raid Yoonsook’s closet so I can look presentable.” You replied, while squatting to grab your backpack. When you stood up, you could feel how close Yoongi was to your back. “Please stay.” The first few notes of Summertime Magic played through the speakers. You swallowed and glanced at him over your shoulder,“Yoongi…I need to go.” You gestured to the snow that gotten heavier over the evening, “If I stay longer, you’ll want to walk me to the train station and then ride the train AND THEN walk me to my dorm. Then you’d be alone walking back. I don’t want you to do that.”"Then stay. Stay the night. Stay the week. Stay forever. I just…I'm not ready for you to go yet." He whispered, wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling you closer to him. His hands were hot against your stomach, and all you wanted to do was melt. It was too much. You had to go.“Yoongi…” You sighed as he put his head on your shoulder, "C'mon, you are silly."“I’m not going to let go until you agree to stay.” His voice was muffled from how close his lips were to your back, his warm breath making your spine tingle. You bit down on the inside of your cheek trying to keep your resolve. You couldn’t stay the night.“Where am I going to sleep?” You questioned trying to keep your voice firm, but it came out soft and melodic because why couldn’t you stay the night. It’d be no different than having a sleepover with any other friend. “You can take my bed," Yoongi answered quicker than you were expecting.“I’m not going to take your bed. I’ll sleep on the couch.” The words slipped out before you had a chance to really think about it.“You’re staying?”“Didn’t you say you weren’t gonna let go until I agree to stay? I don’t really have a choice.” You groaned before laughing, “I’ll stay tonight, okay.” Yoongi squeezed you before releasing and whispering his thanks. He took your bag from you while telling you he was going to drop it off in his room and get you something to sleep in. Before you had a chance to thank him, his lips connected with your cheek quickly. Then he rushed off to his bedroom. You touched your cheek lightly afraid that maybe you had imagined his lips on your skin. That it was some weird fever dream. That the sensation you were feeling was just an illusion. A kiss on the cheek shouldn't make you feel like fireworks erupted in your soul. A kiss on the cheek should be a whatever thing. A throwaway gesture but still…"You win." You mumbled to yourself before pushing your hands against your face, "You win, Marina." You threw your hands to the sky because you couldn't keep fighting it anymore. You laughed while stomping over to the couch, plopping down on it. Marina may not have planted the seed…but she watered it, nourished it. She saw the flower growing, but you ignored it. Because it was dangerous. Still is…but it was here, and it was real. You had fallen for your idol, Min Yoongi. Like a real fucking KDrama. And where did that leave Namjoon? You laughed harder and crossed your legs, you were a real idiot. Couldn’t these feelings just go away like they were supposed too? You didn’t want to like him more than just a friend. And now you were leaving. “Yoongi…” You started as he came around the corner. He made a little noise to show he was listening, “That girl… you know the one you like. How do you know that you like her? And how did you tell her?” His face became flushed as he stopped in the middle of the living room, “Why are you so curious about that?”"I just am!" You squeaked. Maybe if you found out why he liked her, you could possibly get over him. Once Yoongi told you how much he cared for her that would extinguish any feelings you had for him. You would never want to come between him and the one he cared about. Yoongi blinked slowly and nodded, finding his way next to you on the couch. You tried to keep your face as neutral as possible before he started.“The first time I saw her was on a video actually.” Yoongi began looking at his knees, “Bang PD-nim called me into his office and played me an audio recording of one of the potential trainees. The board was deadlocked on the decision to accept her or not. Her voice was so gorgeous. It soared, it had such a delicate vibrato and warm tone. I didn’t understand why they were deadlocked until I watched the video.” He paused to laugh and look up at you, his starry eyes bright and grin gummy, “She had a very unorthodox audition method.”“Wait. She’s a trainee?! And I’m not the only one who did something weird in their audition?” You exclaimed leaning closer to him, dying to know who she was."Are you going to let me finish or not?" You smiled back sheepishly waiting for him to continue, "Like I was saying, she had an unorthodox audition method. It was like she was scared of her own power. I told Bang PD-nim that he should bring her into the program because that quirk she had while singing before people could be fixed. Then I met her. At first, I didn't think anything of her. After all, she barged into my studio demanding my time to help her with some goal." Your breath caught in your chest as you found the story too familiar, "She was a means to an end. Someone to help me with my goals, but over time, I learned more about her. Her hopes, dreams, her stage fright, her past…"“Yoongi…”"If you keep interrupting me, I can't finish the story, BunBun. Now hush." He laughed. You nodded rubbing your nose, trying to stop the tingling, "Liking her wasn't a sudden thing. It was gradual. But it happened. And the moment I knew my feelings were true, there was no going back. I love the way she looks at me, even when she thinks I’m not looking. I love how she smiles, how she laughs. How she gets along with my members. She never gives up on anything that she wants. I confessed to her while she slept in my dorm…but I need to confess now while she’s awake. I wonder if I confess to you if you’ll even hear me. I’ve practically done it one hundred times now, but I’ll do it one hundred more times just to make sure you hear me. Y/N, I like you.” A tear slipped down your face, landing on the back of your hand. Then another one, “Why do we have to be so stupid?” You reached forward grabbing Yoongi’s face and kissing his lips fiercely. Yoongi smiled in the embrace, wrapping his arms around your body as your arms found their way around his neck. Even though you knew this was a wrong decision, it didn't feel like one. It felt like home. Yoongi was your home. His hands ran up the back of your shirt up to your hair, “I’m not stupid.” He growled as his mouth moving down your chin and over your neck, "I know how complicated this makes everything. I know what kind of decision this is for us. But it’s a risk I’m willing to take.” Yoongi put his lips against the charm he gave you warming it and your skin. “Shut up and keep kissing me.” You panted with your eyes closed,“I’ve wanted you to say that for a long time now.” He grinned before obliging your wish. Typically, you'd think about the complications that this would make – and it was very complicated. But for now, you kissed Yoongi deeply allowing the secret your heart held so tightly to come forth. If this was going to be your last time kissing Yoongi, you wanted it to be burned in your memory for eternity. You pulled back a little bit to get some air and push him back on the couch so you could crawl on top of him. Yoongi’s hands laid on your hips naturally, as if they belonged there the whole time. You smiled softly and kissed his lips lightly, before deepening it loving the sound of his gentle moan in the back of his throat. His fingertips slid under your shirt touching your stomach, making you yelp slightly,“Sorry…” He breathed, “Are my hands cold?”"A little." You smiled, kissing his chin, “I promise not to leave hickeys.”“If Jungkook can get a hickey, so can I.” Yoongi shrugged, “You’re wearing my necklace, I’ll wear your marks. Anytime you’d like.”
"Shut up, Yoongi!" You screamed, covering his mouth with your hands completely embarrassed. His skilled fingers walked up the sides of your stomach and played with the strap of your bra. You whimpered and pulled your hand back as his teeth grazed against your palm,“I have a nickname I want you to call me.”You leaned down and kissed his perfect pale skin, before biting lightly, “What? Oppa?” “No. Jagiya.”“Hmm…” You smiled and sat up looking down at him, “Perhaps…if you earn it.” You kissed his lips quickly before hopping off of him and running through his house. Yoongi playfully yelled your name before chasing after you. Tomorrow you would deal with leaving, Namjoon…everything. But for tonight, you wanted to pretend that things were beautiful with the man you liked. You wanted one perfect night with him before everything exploded due to all of your bad decisions until now.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
On nights when you couldn't sleep, Momma would place you in her bed with a cup of chamomile tea that was so warm it would make your whole body tingle. She'd slide in before wrapping herself around you and told stories of your mother. For hours, you'd get lost in the tales of a woman you didn't remember but shared her exact features. It was as close as you'd get to living with her, and you relished every minute until you'd wake up the next morning in your bed with a smile on your face. Chamomile tea and momma cured any spell of insomnia. Except for this time. Because this time, you couldn't find any fucking chamomile tea in Min Yoongi’s kitchen. For ten minutes straight, you made your way through his cabinets, looking for the only thing that could help you. Yoongi had spices. He had snacks. He had more coffee beans than one man should honestly have, but he didn't have any fucking chamomile tea. The kettle was on; a mug was next to it, all you fucking needed was the tea! It took all of your strength not to march into his bedroom and pull him out, demanding that he get you some tea, but then one look at his soft mouth would've made you fall apart before him. After all, it was the racing thoughts of his lips on yours that kept you up. That and the broken heart of Kim Namjoon. A gentle sigh left your lips as you laid your head on the counter. What were you going to do now? You tried everything when you were on the couch. You counted sheep, you shifted a billion times, you listened to classical music, but you were wide awake. Everything is better and worse now. Better because you felt like your heart would burst but worse because you knew that you were going to hurt so many people again. You groaned louder, putting your hands over your ears as if that would stop the thoughts from coming. Part of you wished Yoongi didn’t kiss you because then it wouldn’t hurt so bad when you left. The other part loved the feeling of his mouth on yours, how your skin burned from his touch, the way he looked at you as if he always saw you for you. You kept thinking of every time you spent with him trying to find the exact moment it went from ‘Suga-seonbae is my mentor’ to ‘Yoongi-oppa is my everything.’ You winced. Everything. What a massive thing to give to someone who can't give it back. “You okay?” Yoongi’s raspy voice made your heart leap in your chest for two reasons. One, it scared the shit out of you and two; it was way hotter than it should've been for that time of night. You stood up slowly, taking a deep breath, trying to keep your pulse steady. Yoongi blinked sleepily before yawning leaning against the door frame, swimming in his nighttime attire of a white shirt and black basketball shorts.“Yeah…I…” You started then stared at the way Yoongi’s dark hair fell into his beautiful, sleepy eyes so effortlessly. Then, as if he knew that you were losing it, he yawned while rubbing his eye so cutely it nearly made you forget how he almost devoured you in the living room a few hours ago. You took a deep breath, trying to push out the memory of his face hovering over yours as he pulled you closer to him. Jesus! Where was the air!“Bunny?” Yoongi questioned again closing his eyes,“Yeah!” You squeaked, “Yeah, I couldn’t sleep.”“Clearly.” He nodded before stretching upwards, “Were you cold? Was the couch uncomfortable?”You shook your head before realizing he couldn't see you, "No. I…I couldn't sleep, and I was looking for some tea. Chamomile tea." Even though there was no awkwardness between the two of you now that feelings were in the open, you felt like you were looking at him with brand new eyes. Yes, you always saw him…but you didn’t look that close. Or maybe that’s how you got here...it was because you looked too closely. At the way Yoongi’s chest moved gently, or how he had a natural pout, or how good he looked just as himself…no make-up, no sparkle…just Min Yoongi. Your cheeks flushed as the man before you nodded while pushing himself off the wall walking in your direction.“Did you check the drawers?”No! “That was my next guess.” As Yoongi walked closer, you realized that your legs were a little colder than the rest of your body. He looked you over once before opening up a drawer grabbing the exact thing you needed, his face slightly flushed. Why was he so embarrassed? “Um.” Yoongi coughed before glancing over his shoulder, “You decided not to wear the shorts?” What? Your eyes narrowed on Yoongi before feeling the bare skin of your thighs and realizing you were only wearing the crewneck. Shit! You kicked off the shorts in the middle of trying to find a comfortable position, just like you would at home. A smile tried to come to your face, but your lips just parted open like a fish as your ears burned. Walking in your place like this was fine, but at his was entirely out of the question."It's fine!" He said with a quick nod before turning around, his smile suddenly gummy, "I'm glad you are comfortable here."“I am NOT comfortable with this!” You squeaked darting behind the counter where he could only see you from the waist up. “This was an accident!” His eyes got large before he covered them quickly his face color matching yours in heat,“I’m sorry! I…I just…” "I mean…you don't make me uncomfortable. It's just…" It's just that Yoongi touching your thighs in the dark, with his eyes closed because he was kissing you, and Yoongi looking at your thighs were two different things altogether."Well, if I don't make you uncomfortable, why are you hiding?""Because!" You hissed as he opened his fingers to look at you once more, "I don't know! I mean, I know! I don't want to say it out loud." Yoongi frowned slightly as the kettle started to bubble. You wrinkled your nose at him as you pulled down your hem, "I am comfortable…I am unsure of how we work now." The bubbling got louder as you glanced over to the kettle appreciative of the distraction, "Anyway, I don't want to talk about that. I just need the tea and to call my mom."Yoongi blinked and scrunched up his face, "Why don't you want to talk about that?"“Because I’m tired, but I can’t sleep until I get some tea and talk to my mom.” Half lies always seemed to make their way out your mouth with him. It wasn't that you were tired; it was just that discussing what you both were might end whatever it is before it started. You wanted to hold on to the feeling of him as long as you could while you could. Yoongi stood there with a blank look on his face that meant he was confused. If you weren’t going to talk about how the two of you ‘worked’ you could at least explain why you needed the tea and your mom, "Ever since I was little," You started before leaning on the counter, "When I couldn't sleep, momma would give me a cup of chamomile tea and talk about my mother. Eventually, she ran out of stories to tell me then just talked to me until I fell asleep. So, even here…when I can't sleep, I'll get a cup and call her."“Does it have to be your mom?” He questioned while fixing the tea for you. You shrugged before grimacing memories of the time Marina helped you coming,"I tried one time with Marina when Momma was out of town, and it didn't work. So, probably." You stood up straight as Yoongi placed the cup in front of you, the steam making beautiful movements in the air. You thanked him with a smile before bringing the mug to your mouth cooling it down,“What do you do if your mom is busy?”"Then, I just am up for 24 hours." You shrugged, putting the cup against your lips and taking a sip,"If your mom is busy…I'll talk to you until you fall asleep," Yoongi muttered, his starry eyes staring into yours. You blinked slowly and took your time swallowing. How were you supposed to respond to that?!"Um…okay." You replied quietly, diverting your eyes from him, "But only if she's busy." You muttered that you were going to call your mom now and thanked him once more for the tea. On the outside, you probably looked calm as you walked to the living room, but you were a ball of lightning on the inside! What if she didn't pick up now!? God! Why did you agree to let him help you! You grabbed your phone, quickly dialing her up, while putting on your forgotten shorts, willing her to be available. Didn’t Yoongi know that he made your heart rate increase! How would that help get you to sleep? How Sway?! You chewed on your bottom lip as you briefly looked to see if Yoongi was watching from the wings.“Hello?” The sound of your mother’s voice was the best thing you’d ever heard. Like harps from Heaven. You relaxed falling back into the couch knowing that in about twenty minutes you’d be asleep,"Hey, momma – ”"Marina! Am I doing this, right?" Momma questioned over the phone. You raised an eyebrow and started to answer when Marina’s voice came from a distance,“No! But you should leave the voicemail like this anyway.”“This isn’t very professional, Marina.” Momma sighed. A joke voicemail. Marina had somehow convinced your momma to have a fucking joke voicemail! You must be cursed. Otherwise, why did all the bad things happen to you!? You nearly threw your phone across the room as the rest of the voicemail played out, momma annoyed, and Marina was giggling on the other side. That's okay! You could totally call again. Maybe, hopefully, she would pick up this time. She probably couldn't get to her phone in time. That was it. You held your breath re-dialing her. One ring. Two rings…Three rings…you glanced up once more to see Yoongi peeking his head out. You looked back down quickly, begging everything all of the right and holy in the world that she would pick up and save you. The idea of Yoongi talking to you until you fell asleep made you so nervous. It happened one time, but that was accidental…this time, especially after kissing him, felt like too much too soon. Being in the dark, close to him, made your stomach tighten because it was too intimate for two people who just confessed their hidden feelings. Then there was the additional bonus to what if you liked it. This was all a fleeting dream for you. You didn’t want to get attached to something that couldn’t continue. When Momma's voicemail hit again, you wanted to scream, but instead, you slammed down your cell phone on the couch, letting your head fall back into the sofa. If you called again after such a short period, she'd worry that there'd be something wrong.“Momma didn’t pick up?”"No…" You groaned, putting your forearm over your eyes, listening to the sound of Yoongi’s footsteps getting closer. Yoongi stood above you in the darkness, and you refused to look up at him,“What will you do now?”“Be awake until the sun rises.”“I,” Yoongi started, then what felt like his finger pressed against your cheek, which snapped your eyes open, turning to glare at him, "thought you said I could help if your mom was busy." He pressed his finger against your nose, smirking before pulling it away altogether.“I,” You hissed, “am not comfortable with that.”“Why?” He pouted squatting down so he could be face to face with you, “Why…Whyyyy…WHYYYYY…” Yoongi kept poking your cheek with every syllable. On the eighth ‘why,' you grabbed his finger, biting down on it lightly, grinning as he pulled it away quickly and falling to his ass.“Because! It’s not gonna work! I've tried with Marina, remember!" You snapped, exhaustion starting to set in."I'm not Marina, and you've fallen asleep with me before so c’mon.” Yoongi smiled. You stared him down for a few moments before looking away,“No.”“Why not?” You stayed silent and closed your eyes, even though your heart felt like it would leap out of your chest if you weren’t careful. “Why not?” How do you tell someone that you care about so much that you are afraid to fall asleep next to him because one day, you won't be able too? That it would hurt to create that memory. How were you supposed to tell Yoongi that was more of a dream than the ones you were trying to chase?“Because, Min Yoongi, I’ve never slept in the same bed as a boy I’ve liked before. And I’m embarrassed.” Yoongi hummed, taping his lips in thought. Before you even realized it, his hands slipped under your back, lifting you quickly. The scream that came out of your mouth as you wrapped your arms around his neck would've woken up all of his neighbors if he didn't kiss you, deepening it immediately. Kissing Yoongi the first time was feverish, and it felt like the moment would disappear like sand in between your fingers, but at this moment, it felt like you were seeing stars for the first time. Burned into your memory, something that you’d hold on forever. You pulled back slightly putting your forehead on his,“No fair.” The words came out as a whisper in the night, but you couldn’t stop smiling.“Well, are you still embarrassed?” He smirked holding you close to him, “Yes. Yes, I am. Now, are you gonna put me down?”"I have to help you fall asleep, so no. I'm taking you to my bedroom."“DID YOU NOT HEAR ME WHEN I SAID –“ Yoongi cut you off with another quick kiss before telling you to stop shouting. He looked you deep in your eyes before a small smile blooming on his lips, which meant if you wanted him to put you down, he would. You sighed and put your head on his shoulder, allowing him to carry you to his bedroom. The two of you stayed silent during the short walk. If you had been conscious when he carried you when you passed out, you figured it would be just like this. Warm, comforting, safe.“Are you falling asleep already?” Yoongi chucked while setting you down. You rubbed your eye and stuck your tongue out, not even realizing that you had started to nod off in his arms. The bed was firmer than you thought it would be, but still, it felt like a hug. You slipped under the covers without a second thought and leaned against the headboard, then glanced around Yoongi at your probably cold tea. He furrowed his brows before turning around, then looked back at you exasperated. You nodded at him with a shrug. The tea was a must. And especially if you didn't have your mom. He rolled his eyes before doing a light jog to the mug, disappearing, and waddling back after a few minutes."So, how does this work?" He asked, placing the cup in your hands. Much to your surprise, Yoongi warmed it up for you, and it nearly made you melt.You shrugged, watching him sit on top of the covers, "Uh. My mom normally would talk to me about stuff. Anything to distract me.” You smiled remembering one of your favorite stories about your mother, “Momma once told me about the time mother met my father, because she was here of course. They were at a music store and mother was on a mission to get this album – it apparently was sold out everywhere. She got the last copy, miraculously, and bought it. Then my father comes barreling up to the counter, spouting about how he’s looking for a copy of the same album and needs it for his mom’s birthday. My mother heard that and apparently, she had the heart of a saint and just gave it to him. The album she wanted! When momma first told me that story, I was so irritated because who would give up their album for some dude.” You looked over at Yoongi slyly, “But now…I kind of get it.”Yoongi snorted a bit leaning his head back against the headboard, “Then what happened?”“My father said in exchange for the album, he’d like to take her out for lunch and gave his number. From that lunch they were inseparable.”“I’m glad they were.” Yoongi nodded, closing his eyes. His wheels were turning slowly trying to figure out what to ask next, "Why don't you want to show me your mix?" "Easy! I'm not sure if you know this about yourself, but you are probably one of the best producers in the world right now, easy." You knew it wasn't probably. He was one of the best producers in the world right now, and if Quincy Jones wasn't going to listen to your mix, like hell was Min Yoongi. Yoongi snorted with a half-smile,“You can’t get better if you just hoard all of your stuff.”“I’m not hoarding. Bang PD-nim can listen. So can Supreme Boi. Joon. My mom. My sister heard it earlier. If Kevin gave two shits, he'd listen too."“So, everyone but me?" He pouted, jutting out his bottom lip, "I'm hurt." “I just want you to like it!”"And if it's good, I will."“The worst.” You groaned, “You. Are. The. Worst.”“You didn’t say that when I kissed you the first time.” He teased making your cheeks flush again,“This is not helping me relax, Gloss.”“I like when you do that.” Yoongi smirked, “Calling me different names depending on your mood.”“You call me different names depending on your mood too. Remember your trainee phase?” Yoongi laughed loudly, running his hands through his fluffy dark hair. You leaned over and put your fingers through it, loving how silky it was under your fingertips. Your nails scratched his scalp softly as his eyes closed a slight moan bubbling out,“Yeah, I remember the trainee phase. You barged into my life! I was trying to keep you at a distance, but you didn’t take no for an answer.”“And now you wanna keep me close? Is that it Yoongles?" You giggled, wrapping some of his strands around your finger.He looked up at your hand then grabbed it, interlacing his fingers in yours, “I do.” Yoongi’s eyes sparkled as your heart nearly burst for what felt like the thousandth time, "As much as I tried to fight it, we were always going to end up here. You always make me go against my better judgment, and it's for the best. I'm happy you're here in my life. I have to thank Marina for getting you to audition at BigHit.”“She’d die.”"Well, I don't want to kill my…" Yoongi slowed down his lips, parted to say something, "My…uh…" He coughed, looking away from you, "I don't want to kill your sister." You understood. The thing you didn’t want to talk about. What were the two of you? Were you dating? Was this just fun? What did Yoongi want out of this? What would be the least painful way of handling it in your case? You kissed his cheek and pulled on his ear playfully,“Marina would find it to be an honor to be killed by Agust D." You paused to sit up on your knees, starting to mimic her, "Blond Yoongi is the BEST Yoongi! Then only followed by Mint Yoongi.” You laughed harder as he made that famous line smile, “Ah. I’m sorry. Am I annoying you?”"No, I was just thinking about how I hope they never dye your hair.” Yoongi leaned forward, taking a strand of your curls between his index and thumb, rubbing it gently. You swallowed, feeling your whole body start to get hot as he inspected the way your hair twisted and moved before tucking it behind your ear. He then wrapped his arms around you pulling you close, "Can I ask you something?" He asked. You nodded, closing your eyes as your head laid on his chest, "That guy…who you mentioned on the roof. Do I know him?"You froze for a moment then nodded against his chest, “Yeah.” Yoongi hummed and took a deep breath,“Do you like him too?”“No.” You started to push yourself away, but Yoongi held on tighter, "Yes. I don't know. I know I like you. I like this. Can't we stay in this moment without worrying about that stuff." “Would it hurt him to know that we like each other?”"Yes." A silence fell over you both while the snow continued outside, the flakes swaying like dancers, "And I don't want to hurt anyone.""Is it bad that I don't care if it hurts him? That I want my happiness to win out in this? I want to be able to call you my girlfriend, and I don't care who might get hurt as long as I have you." A soft no slipped out of your mouth as you were fighting back the tears. If Yoongi knew who it was, he wouldn't be so careless with his words. If he knew it was Namjoon, he would've left the room and slept on the couch. Because while he might care for you more than any other person in the past, his love for his brother was more profound and more powerful than anything you could contend with. And that was okay. That was the way it was supposed to be. That's why leaving the program was the best solution to everything — no choices to make. Everyone's feelings are hurt, not just one or another. "I'm lazy. And some people think I'm rude or cold. But when it comes to certain things I want, I get them. It took me a while to know that I wanted you, Bunny, but now that I do know…I will fight to keep you by my side even if it hurts someone. Because I deserve a different kind of happiness with you."“Even if hurts someone you love?” You whispered,“It will hurt someone I love. But if they love me, I would hope that they’d understand eventually.” You sat up as much as he would allow and looked at him. Did he know it was Namjoon? There was no way…unless Namjoon told him and then if he did, wouldn't he mention it, right?! Yoongi didn't keep secrets from you. It was always the other way around. But whatever it was, you had to tell him sooner than later…you didn't want to do it now. You muttered that you were ready to lay down and moved, so you were on your side looking up at him. He smiled down at you and leaned over kissing your forehead once more,“You sleepy?”“Getting there.” Then you frowned slightly, “Why aren’t you under the covers.”“I figured your embarrassment wouldn’t be able to handle if we shared the covers,”"Get under the covers, Yoon." You laughed with an eye roll. Yoongi raised an eyebrow playfully his pretty pink lips parting with fake surprise,“Is than an order?”“And if it is?” You countered a smirk on your lips."I don't take well to be ordered around. Especially by someone younger than me and not paying me."“Whatcha gonna do? You already chased me around before I was supposed to sleep so –" For the second time, tonight, Yoongi shut you up. Not with a kiss, because you started to get used to that. But with Yoongi moving quickly from his seat to hovering over you, his knees sinking near your hips. His starry eyes bore into yours as his hair fell into them, making him look alluring and dangerous. You held your breath, eyes open wide, not in terror but a strange excitement. You were going to lose this game before it started.“Well, if I’m going to get into the covers…” He started pulling down the covers near your face slowly, “Let me get in here.”“Yoongi.” You sighed, pretending to be annoyed with his antics, even though your whole body was moments away from becoming a fucking supernova.
“Yes?” Yoongi smiled while inching his face closer to yours, his warm breath tickling your face. You tried to steady your breath swallowing,“Yoongi, c’mon...”“C’mon what? You wanted me under the covers, Bunny.” He whined his lips, searing your skin as they ran down up your chin and down your neck, "You want me?" The way that he grazed his teeth over your pulse nearly killed you. Who knew Min Yoongi would be the death of you and not the blackmailer? “Under the covers Yoongi! I want you under the covers.” You tried to keep the words a straight as possible, but you moaned as he sucked and nipped at your collarbone.“I know…I’m getting in soon!” He laughed, “You that impatient baby?” The way Yoongi said baby, with that deep rasp with a slight whisper, was enough to send you over the edge. “OKAY!” You snapped, putting your hand on his chest and pushing him up a bit, “You win! I won’t order you around anymore!” Yoongi kissed your lips with a laugh before rolling off, seeming very proud that he could rattle you like that. You took a few deep breaths and slapped his arm lightly,“I thought you learned that when I didn’t bring you the coffee, but I’m always willing to give you more lessons.”You sat up quickly, gasping, "I fucking knew you didn’t just forget the coffee!”"Of course I didn’t forget! I don't like to be told what to do." He huffed, crawling under the covers. “Lucky, you’re cute.” You groaned in English dramatically falling back in the bed,"Lucky, you're cute too." He replied in your tongue. You smiled brightly, searching for his hand under the covers. Your fingertips ran down his arm until your hands clasped together. This was exactly where you needed to be. For the next hour, you and Yoongi talked in bed, hands intertwined under the covers. The two of you talked about everything under the sun. You asked him about past girlfriends, and he told you about the time he wrote a love letter and then put it on the radio. Your stomach hurt from how hard you laughed at him, then he put a hand on your mouth, quickly mentioning that at least he didn’t have an ex who flew across the world to get him back. You had half a mind to mention the millions of people who pay thousands of dollars to see his face for a moment, but you let him win. You'd let him win anything he wanted, but especially lying in his bed in the dark with just a little bit of moonlight to guide your sight. If Chronos were real, you would've given everything you had, including your soul, to make the night last forever. Even if you never got to sleep, this was better than any dream you ever could have. Better than any sleep, any meal, anything. Being with Yoongi was as natural as breathing, and better than anything you'd ever experience. You loved the way his laugh went when he was nervous — how he tapped behind his ear or how he slurped before he spoke. You loved him, all of him. Even the parts that you haven’t learned. You wanted to stay up for the rest of your life to learn the ins and outs of him, but even you couldn’t stay up forever. Sleep started to come over you. There was a moment when Yoongi asked you a question, and with slurred words, you replied, full of nonsense. But there was one more thing you wanted to know before the night was over. One more nugget to add to your memory of your time with him before it was too late. You pinched your thigh hoping that would give you just enough energy,“Can I ask you a dumb question?” You whispered before opening your eyes to look at him. Yoongi grunted softly, his chest moving in time with yours, “When did you know?”“When did I know what?” His smirk spread over his perfect face allowing his teeth to gleam in the moonlight. You clicked your tongue and huffed flipping to your back,“You know what.”“I know plenty. But I don’t want to give you the wrong answer. So, Bunny, when did I know what?”A soft sigh escaped your lips as your stomach started to knot, “How did you know that you liked me?”Yoongi’s chuckle sent your heart racing. You know how silly the question was. What did it matter when he knew!? It wasn't going to change the fact that you were leaving. It wouldn't change the fact that you would crush Namjoon, but yet you had to know."Ah…" He hummed, shifting to his side, "My feelings for you are like a summer storm. Light at first, then a downpour.""God!" You cackled, sitting up, "Tell me you were working on that line for a while."“I was!” Yoongi growled playfully before wrapping his arms around you to pull you closer to him, “Because it’s true. It was slowly then all at once I couldn’t stop thinking about you, worrying about you, making sure that you were happy.”“But when? When was the moment? Because I know the moment that I realized I liked you.” You replied with a yawn putting your head on his chest,“Oh? You tell me. Then I’ll tell you.”There were so many moments when you talked yourself out of liking Yoongi. You started drawing a circle on the back of his hand with your finger starting to go through cherished memories, "When you told me that you liked some girl. I had so much rage I didn't know I could possess. Or maybe it was when we were on the roof, and you gave me my necklace. There are so many moments when I found new reasons to like you that I couldn't possibly tell you in this one evening."“Then tell me over time. I’m not going anywhere.” He replied with a kiss to your temple,“Okay. Your turn.”"When you passed out, the only thing I could think about was you. That’s when I realized that you weren’t just some friend. Then when you were lying there in the hospital, I was willing, praying for you to wake up. I tried to convince myself that this was a normal feeling – that I would feel this way for anyone I knew in this situation, but I knew that was bullshit. It wasn’t until we sang together, I knew for sure." He chuckled softly, sending gentle vibrations through your body, "The only reason I didn't kiss you at that moment was because of the doctor.""God! If you kissed me, then I would've melted.""If I kissed you, then you wouldn't have disappeared." Yoongi nodded, playing with your hair again, "I had to talk myself out of barging in one of your classes at least one hundred times that week." "Oh, Jesus!" You laughed snuggling closer to him, "That would've been the worst. I'm in piano or dance, and you walk in there, demanding to talk to me. Not a good look for either of us."“I know. That’s what hyung said. That you'd come back or you wouldn't. But forcing you wouldn't help."“So, explain the whole, ‘Trainee, we need to talk.'" You mimicked, making sure to lower your voice and make it as gritty as possible. Yoongi tugged a strand of your hair playfully,"Do you think I sound like that?"“Besides the point.” You pushed yourself off his chest for a minute before he whined complaining about the cold pulling you back down,"Okay! It was a little like fate. I never use the practice rooms. I have a piano in my studio, but I wanted to hear the sound of a real piano, and like magic, the girl that disappeared from my life appeared across from my practice room. I had one opportunity to make my stand. I told you how terrified I was."“And I’m sorry, again, for doing that.”“It’s okay now. You are right here with me, and I'm so happy.” You could hear the smile in Yoongi’s voice when he said that. He held you a little tighter before telling you it was time to sleep. You nodded, allowing it to slide over you along with Yoongi’s feelings and his warmth. It was right before you fell asleep entirely when Yoongi whispered one last thing,“I love you, Y/N-ah. ” Much to your pleasure, your dreams were sweet and soft. It was good to know that Yoongi could help cure your insomnia…but deep down inside, you knew that this was always the outcome. When has he ever failed you? You were usually the one who disappointed him. When you woke, it wasn’t because of the sun, but because of Yoongi’s phone ringing. He groaned and swore while trying to grab it without waking you. It was too late, but you could at least lay there and try to go back to sleep. When he finally picked it up, you moved closer to him, looking up at him sleepily. He whispered sorry and spoke to the person quickly with a murmur. It sounded like his family was no longer coming – the snowstorm stopping all trains in and out of Seoul. Yoongi understood, of course, but you could hear the slight disappointment in his tone. Then you realized if the trains were stopped, you couldn't get home. You sat up quickly, knowing that you looked insane and slowly crawled out of bed, ignoring Yoongi’s protest whines and weak attempts at pulling you back into bed. As you walked to the window looking at Seoul covered in white, Yoongi hurried off the phone.“Why.” He groaned, “Come back.”"You come here." You laughed, pressing your hands against the cold windows, "It looks amazing." Seoul looked like a beautiful wonderland.“My view is better over here. I can assure you.”You wrinkled your nose and looked at him over your shoulder, “You can’t even see anything from over there.”“I see exactly what I want to see, and it is a beautiful sight.” Yoongi nodded with a half-smile, “But you’re right. I should get up.” He stretched slowly, and you couldn't help noticing the similarities between him a cat. While you looked down at the beautiful snow globe that Seoul turned into, you couldn't help but notice the lack of people. You were high up but weren't that high that you wouldn't be able to see bodies or cars. It was a ghost town down…“You know,” You started turning around and leaning against the window, “If your family can’t get into Seoul, I probably can’t get home…would you mind –”“Didn’t I say you could stay forever last night?” Yoongi mumbled with an eye roll, "So, yes, you can stay." He slowly made his way out of the bed and let his feet side across the floor to get to you.“Are you…”“Shhh. I haven't had coffee yet. I only had enough brainpower to talk to my hyung.” He said groggily, wrapping his arms around your waist and hugging you from behind, “I’ll make breakfast. Any requests.”“Pancakes.”“I don’t have the stuff to make pancakes, Bunny.” He whined into your shoulder, “Can’t we go back to bed and eat something I have here.”"You can lay back down, and I can run to the grocery store quickly." You nodded, "I wanna go outside and see what it’s like anyway. I don’t get a lot of snow in LA.”Yoongi sighed, warming up your back with his breath before releasing you, "It's cold. It's white. It's annoying. It's snow." “I wonder if people say the same thing about you when they see your face?” You teased poking his cheek. Even though you couldn’t see Yoongi’s face, you could feel the smile growing on his lips."My face isn't annoying, …and if we didn't have to go to the grocery store, I'd give you another lesson in manners." You yelped and slipped out of his hands, maneuvering away from him as quickly as you could. Even though Yoongi’s lessons were a lot of fun, they still made you flush and throb in ways that you didn't even know was possible. You told him quickly you were going to wash up. It didn't matter if there were a billion people out there or nobody out there, you weren't going to have your first date with Yoongi not showered. He laughed as you locked the door, telling you that towels and anything else you might need are in the closet. After you took a quick shower and brushed your teeth, you stood in the steamy bathroom with a towel wrapped around your waist. You did the best you could with your hair – braiding it down into two French braids, but now you needed clothes. You opened the door slowly, peeking your head out to see a pile of clothes on the ground. It was a black turtleneck sweater that looked way too small for him and a pair of skinny gray jeans again too small for his little waist. "Yoon!" You cried out, leaving the door open a little bit. His hum came from down the hall, "Whose clothes are these?"“Yours.”You blinked and stuck your head out so confused, “What do you mean?”"I mean that they are yours," Yoongi replied, walking down the hallway in a black sweatshirt too big for him and a pair of jeans. He smirked at your scrunched-up face, "So, as idols, we get so much free shit sent to us it's annoying. Sometimes the companies do a shot in the dark and send us women's clothing, hoping that we'll give it to our moms or sisters. I don't have a sister, and my mom isn't the most fashionable. I was going to donate these clothes, but then you stayed, so you have a couple of outfits." "Oh, thank God. I thought you pulled some super-rich stunt like having clothes here for me." You laughed lightly,It was Yoongi’s turn to scrunch up his face, “What? That doesn’t even make sense.”“It’s like what the rich guy does for the girl he likes in movies and stuff.” You closed the door, starting to get dressed,“But how would the rich guy get her sizes?” He questioned,“Donno. It’s just a trope.”"Well, if we are talking about tropes, could you not spend forever in there getting ready?" Yoongi sighed. You pursed your lips in the mirror before buttoning the jeans before opening the door,“I’m done.” The annoyance was still on your face that he thought you were going to spend forever in there. Yoongi smirked in return before kissing your forehead and grabbing your hand,“Good. Let’s hurry so we can come back.” Yoongi gave you a lot more than you thought you needed to brave the cold. On top of the standard Idol Disguise of black sunglasses and a black facemask, you got: A black beanie, a black wool scarf, a black puffy down coat – different than the one you came with (Yoongi mentioned something about all the blacks have to match.), some thick black socks (two pairs because your feet were so tiny in comparison to Yoongi’s), Yoongi's black Timberlands, and finally black gloves. You pulled down the scarf to give him a look that said, was all of this really necessary? He gave a short nod bending down to tie his boots. You sighed and dealt with the overdressing, ready to go out and see the snow. Excitement buzzed through your veins while the two of you made your way out of the apartment and outside. Flurries danced past you as you stared in wonder at the beautiful ice crystals. You opened your palm to let a few land and watched them melt; then suddenly, you wanted to have a snowball fight. Yoongi stood by and watched while you bent over scooping up snow to make your weapon of choice. “Don’t.” Yoongi chuckled, “Don’t start something you will have me begging to stop.”“Oh. You’re not Jeon Jungkook. I’m not worried about you in the slightest, Mister Min.” You announced standing up with your perfectly round snowball in hand. Even behind the facemask and sunglasses, you saw Yoongi roll his eyes, but a smile appeared on his face. That’s when you launched the first attack. The two of you had an intense snowball fight without a care in the world. Nobody walked around the corner and stared. No photographers. Just you and Yoongi having fun in the snow. Even though you regret entirely saying, you weren't worried about him. Yoongi was way more athletic than he glanced scooping snow and throwing it, while at the same time ducking from your attacks. He was right! You were begging him to stop while laughing, saying that he could choose his prize once they got back home. Yoongi pulled down his face mask so you could see his devilish grin before grabbing your hand and leading you to the grocery store. On the way back, the two of you walked hand and hand, leisurely making your way down a row of cute shops. Sometimes you'd stop to admire something that you thought would look nice on Yoongi, and other times Yoongi would tell you that he’d like to see you in something. You were walking past another shop that made you stop in your tracks, letting go of Yoongi’s hand to stare at the item in the window. It was a little red leather purse with a matching pair of sparkly red pumps. There was something about the way it shined from the lights in the store or how it looked like it someone dipped it in candy-apple paint, but you wanted it. You imagined carrying it with you to an event with Yoongi. His hand in your lower back as your shoes sparkled through the night. Him pulling you close as you tried to give him his moments, but he wanted you at his side. You blinked, taking a step back, your heart saddened by a fantasy that would never come true.“Bunny?” Yoongi called from a few steps away, “You okay?” You looked at the purse and shoes one more time before promising yourself that one day, when you had the money to afford it, you'd come back and buy it. Then you frowned behind your mask, remembering that once you left, you probably wouldn't come back. And if you did, it wouldn't be for a long time. You took a mental picture and quickly walked to meet Yoongi, telling him you were hungry, pulling him along this time. As soon as you and Yoongi got back to the apartment, you started cooking. Well, Yoongi told you to sit at the island while you told him how to prepare it. He wanted to prove that he was an excellent cook, and he did not disappoint. Even though the pancakes were not as good as Ajumma’s, they were superior because he made them. For a moment, you could see your whole life like this, you and Yoongi, laughing and spending time together. Your heart burst at the idea of waking up next to him every morning. Maybe this what love was. Enjoying the quiet with someone so special, you didn't know how you got on without them prior. While Yoongi washed the dishes, you felt like you were missing something then patted your thigh. You hadn't touched your phone all morning. Momma would've called you back by now. "I'm in the living room; I'm gonna just call my mom back.” You announced walking out,“Okay, but will you help me with something later?”"Anything." You replied, plopping down on the couch and retrieving your phone. You winced seeing eight missed calls and ten texts. You hoped that your mom wasn't too mad, but when you opened your phone to see what time she called, momma only called you twice and texted you once. Namjoon was the other message. Dread pooled in your stomach as you swallowed quickly, texting him that you were okay, and you’d call him later. You saw the three dots move as he was replying and set the phone down exhaling. It couldn't continue like this. You had to say something to him about not feeling precisely the same…even if you did like the way, Namjoon made you feel. The butterflies, the sparks against your skin, the feeling of something forbidden, but if you had to choose…you’d choose -“Bunny?” Yoongi called out from the kitchen, “Did your mom pick up?”"Hmm, no…I texted her." You replied quickly, texting your mom about playing in the snow, ignoring the new messages from Namjoon."Okay, well, can you help me with something?" Yoongi asked sheepishly as he walked past you in the living room headed to his bedroom, “Sure?” You laughed, “Why am I kinda nervous about it?”“Because I’m nervous about it! I’m not Jin-hyung or Tae-ah. But it needs to be bleached before next week, and I've been putting it off, and now my stylist is out of the country on vacation, and I don't –”“Woah! You are speaking way too fast!" You cried, jumping up and following him. Yoongi popped out of the bathroom, holding a box of hair bleach. You raised an eyebrow and blinked at him before laughing, "Oh, you cannot be serious, my love, you cannot be." “I am.” He pouted, jutting out his bottom lip, “Please help me.”“I’ve never bleached anyone’s hair! Can’t you call a stylist over?”“In this weather, baby? Be serious! You are my only hope…” He whined getting on his knees and shuffling over to you, “Please. Please. I will walk you through it. It’s super easy. Slather, wait, and wash. I’ve done it a few times before.”"Then, you can do it again." You laughed again, putting your hand on his cheek.Yoongi’s eyes lit up as a small smirk set on his lips, “For my prize of winning the snowball fight, you should help me bleach my hair.”“Rather show you my mix.” You sighed before looking at the ceiling, “Where are you towels that you don’t care about?” Yoongi jumped up quickly grabbing you shouting with joy as he spun you around. You screamed laughing with him and kissing his cheek, trying to figure out how you got yourself into this mess. Once you got the towels, and changed into some of Yoongi’s old basketball shorts and t-shirt (because you didn't want to be the one to ruin the cute outfit he gave you, because it probably cost your whole life), Yoongi sat on the floor in between your lap making sure you knew exactly what to do. How much liquid to pour in the powder, the consistency he was looking for. Then he told you to mix the bleach with conditioner, so it didn't kill his hair. Just like every other time you did something with Yoongi, it felt so natural…like the two of you were born to do everything together. He didn't have to give you much instruction as you slathered the mixture on his brown locks, you were going to miss his dark hair. As you went further into his hair, he leaned his face against your bare thigh; you paused for a moment looking down at him. Yoongi looked so sweet with his eyes closed, his long black eyelashes laying on his smooth cheeks. If you stayed the night again, you’d have to wake up earlier than him to take one a picture of him sleeping, because it was so perfect. This had to be love. This feeling of being in this moment right here. A warmth that wanted to burst from your soul so badly it almost hurt. You didn't want it to end. The last two days have been, for lack of better words, magical — an absolute highlight in your life. You didn't want to leave now when everything finally felt right. You paused, letting that thought sink in. You didn’t want to leave. Leaving was the easy way out, but when did you ever take the easy route, and it ended up working for you. You were built to fight. Made to go until you couldn't go anymore, then go so more. But if you didn't leave, you'd hurt Namjoon. But you'd be worse off in the long run. If you didn't go, you'd get kicked out. But If you didn't move on, you'd hurt Yoongi somehow. That made your heart sore. But at this moment, you took a deep breath and set your shoulders straight. If this was love, then it was worth giving everything up and rebuilding. It made you want to fight to be by his side…just like you struggled to get here. Fuck telling them that you were leaving. Fuck giving up. It was your life to live, and you've given up so much to get to this moment. You couldn't run away now. You'd stay by Yoongi’s side even if it hurt the world because you deserved that kind of happiness. If Yoongi wanted you to stay forever, then you’d stay forever.“Yoongi." You whispered, kissing his cheek, "It's time to wash this out, okay?" His beautiful starry eyes opened gently, and he nodded, pushing himself up. He mumbled he'd be right back, and you smiled leaning forward, "I love you!" Yoongi stopped and looked at you over your shoulder, his eyes bright. You smiled so hard you felt your eyes almost close falling into the couch. He took a step to you, and you pointed to the bathroom, shaking your head. If he kissed you now, he'd get bleach all over you. “I love you too, Y/N-ah.” You grabbed your phone as Yoongi headed to the bathroom opening up your text messages.|Joon: Please call me later
|Joon: I miss youThat was hours ago. You closed your eyes taking a deep breath,|Y/N: Hey
|Y/N: We need to talk in person soon
|Y/N: The blackmailer threatened to release the pictures of us which as you know will get me in trouble with Bang PD-nim
|Y/N: The only way they seemed to be pacified was if I left.
|Y/N: I told them I would But now you found a reason to stay. Maybe even forever. You could do this because there was no other choice for you. It was always Yoongi.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“I need to tell you something.” That was a good start. You needed to tell Yoongi something important. You swallowed and looked at your hands, noticing how shaky they were. They always seemed so sturdy and strong, but now they moved like a leaf in the wind. Have you always been so fragile?“I need to tell you something important. I mean.” The shaking moved up your arms, but it didn’t matter how hard your teeth chattered or how long it took you to get to the end of it. The truth needed to come out.“Someone is blackmailing me with pictures of Namjoon. Pictures of us holding hands…looking like a couple, because we are one…sort of.” Don’t use ‘sort of.’ That’s not fair to Namjoon, who tried so hard to get you to see what it could be. You were just so focused on what it couldn’t be that you never gave it a chance it deserved. And now you were giving away your opportunity to see what things could be with Yoongi. For the better. You winced as pressure started to build in your chest, like a bubble right behind your collarbone.“Not sort of. We were a couple. And I cheated…on Namjoon with you. Because I’m a horrible, awful person. And I’m sorry.” Sorry wasn’t the word at all. It didn’t begin to explain the painful intricates of how you meant it. It wasn’t enough at all, but it was the only word you had.“Sorry. I am deeply sorry for putting you in this situation. For putting Namjoon in this situation. For putting myself in this situation. I’m sorry for lying. I’m sorry for making the wrong choice every time. I’m sorry, and I’m scared.” Truth. Let it spill from your mouth. Let the bubble burst.“The blackmailer threatened my life. Told me to leave the program or the pictures would come out. When that didn’t work or when I didn’t move fast enough for them, they sent a clearer message. I’m scared, Yoongi. I don’t want to die. And I told them I would leave but now I don’t want too. Because I want to be with you.” No! Don’t say that. Don’t put that pressure on him. Yes, you do want to stay because of him. Because your world feels brighter when he’s around, but you can’t ask him for anything else because you hurt his brother. Suddenly, something Marina told you a while ago came bubbling to the surface. The two of you were lying on Marina’s bed, looking up at posters on the ceiling. She pointed to the members saying who was who, giving important likes, and character traits. When she got to Namjoon, she sighed happily,“RM is the leader. Strong, brilliant, clumsy. You see that one right there – SUGA. My bias. Well, he and RM lived together first. My personal belief is that they’ve been friends for many lives, and they keep finding each other, doing their best to keep the other happy. I don’t know why I feel that way, but I just do. A lot of ARMY claims that they aren’t as close anymore, but I feel like their closeness doesn’t need to be out there for us to see because it’s not about us. Their closeness is their own, and we should be happy that we even get to look at it.”You stared at her and then sat up laughing like it was the funniest thing you ever heard, “Marina. You smokin’ weed? You know momma doesn’t like that. You remember Paul! Momma blew up when she --.”“I’m not smoking!” Marina snapped sitting up quickly, her blue eyes narrowed at you, “It’s how I feel! Don’t be an ass and disrespect it because you don’t understand it.” After that, she told you to get out. You sighed and squeezed your hands tight, wishing that you could say to her right now you knew how she felt. You understood it with all of your heart now.“I want to be with you…” You whispered, continuing once more, “But I can’t hurt Namjoon either. You both are important to me…that I will always admit, but not so important that I can’t choose. I choose you. I’ve always chosen you. From the first time we met, I chose you.” But what are you asking for now that you’ve apologized? His forgiveness? Maybe but that didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel complete. You apologized and told him that you chose him, so what. Who cares? Lots of people choose Yoongi, so why are you any different. You leaned your head against the cold tile slipping your hands into the bathwater. It had been hours since you got in the bath. You hoped the warm water and steam would help clear your thoughts for you to come up with the right words to say – but every time you got to this point, you were lost. Nothing felt good enough. Appropriate enough. Deep enough, sure enough. Yoongi deserved all of your words.“Bunny…” Yoongi mumbled through the bathroom door, “It’s four am…how long have you been in the bath?”“A while.” You sighed, “I couldn’t sleep, and you looked too cute to wake up.”Yoongi chuckled and opened the door slightly, his eyes shut tightly, “You could’ve at least put a blanket over me. I woke up freezing on the couch! Come to bed.”“WHAT THE FUCK, YOONGI!” You cried, sinking deeper into the lukewarm water, “I’m in the tub! I’m naked.”“Clearly! Most normal people don’t take baths with clothes on. Plus, my eyes are closed! It’s fine!” He laughed.“It’s not fine,” You grumbled, your breath making ripples on the water,“Hurry up. I don’t want to be cold anymore.”“There’s the great phrase in English. It goes like this. Please. Here. I’ll use it in a sentence. Please, Bunny-ah come to bed.”“Please, Bunny-ah quit being a smart ass, or I will open my eyes.” Yoongi threatened, showing off all of his teeth and gums.“You were supposed to say it in English.” You hissed then grabbed your washcloth, tossing it at him, “Get out, and I’ll come to bed.” It landed at his bare feet,“What did you throw at me?! Now I’m all wet.” Yoongi sighed and closed the door again, “If you aren’t in bed in like ten minutes, I’m coming in and getting you out.”You stood up quickly, knocking some of the water out the tub, “You aren’t serious! At all!”“Try me and see, Bunbun!” A groan escaped your lips as you stepped out of the tub, letting the water empty. When you turned back to the door, you stared at the washcloth of the ground. Not much of a difference between you and it. Both wet. Both didn’t have a backbone. It landed in the exact place you deserved to grovel at Yoongi’s feet. The difference was that you weren’t always going to be like that. You hurried out of the bathroom, throwing a large black t-shirt on, and made your way to the bedroom. Yoongi was sitting up, the light on his side bright and glowing, staring at his phone.“Has it told you the secrets to the universe yet?” You giggled, sliding under the sheets, close to him immediately. He hummed a yes and wrapped his arm around your shoulder before kissing your forehead. Every time Yoongi kissed you there, a soft tingle started in that spot and moved to your toes. It helped remind you to cherish those moments with him.“You couldn’t sleep last night either,” Yoongi murmured, turning off the light and setting his phone down. You shrugged in the darkness, “Wow. This feels like déjà vu .”“Last night, my brain wouldn’t shut off. Tonight, my brain is actually tranquil and focused.” You replied as you started to get comfy, “I was just thinking, you know.”“You need to sleep. If you get sick again, I won’t forgive you.” Yoongi yawned, wrapping his arms around you, snuggling close.“I’m sure I’ll do something soon that you won’t forgive me for, don’t worry.” You tried to say it playfully, but it came out dry and severe. Truth. It was right at the tip of your tongue,“Hmm, I’m sure that we’ll figure it out together if you do. Now think quietly; otherwise, we’ll both have bad dreams.”“How does my thinking affect your dreams,” You giggled, slipping your hand under his. He placed his fingers through yours, and you both held on to each other tightly.“Because if I can feel you thinking, I’m going to want to know what you are thinking, and that’s going to keep me awake. Thus, giving me bad dreams down the road,” You laughed loudly and looked over your shoulder. Yoongi’s lips met yours quickly before he whispered, “Try to go to sleep,”You nodded and closed your eyes, praying sleep would come quickly. But it didn’t. You counted Yoongi’s breaths only relaxing when they became soft and even. Then you said quietly,“Tomorrow. I’m going to tell you something okay, Yoongi. Tomorrow.”Like every other day, morning came. Part of you hoped that it wouldn’t, so you didn’t have to keep your word. If it was an everlasting night, then you’d be able to lay in Yoongi’s warmth forever. Feel his breath tickle the back of your neck. Have his hands against yours. But, morning came quickly, and you slipped out of his arms, tiptoeing to the kitchen to make breakfast. You might as well make this moment as pleasant as possible, and you knew that Yoongi loved food.You pulled out the kimchi, and other banchan then started on some meats for him. It was really just to keep your mind preoccupied – because as soon as you woke up, there was a feeling of impending doom sitting in your chest. Different than the bubble that you wanted to be popped. It was so much worse. Once the food was finished, you placed it in little bowls on the island, hoping to impress him. Maybe the food would be so good that after you told him about the gross betrayal of his trust, he wouldn’t kick you out immediately. It might make him gloss over the fact altogether. You laughed. There were dreams, and then there were fantasies. Then there was whatever that thought was. So impossible that you couldn’t even believe yourself.“Yoongi,” You cried, “Yoongi, it’s time to get up.”“I am up.” He replied, “How could anyone sleep with all the noise you were making?”You blinked then pursed your lips looking at your hard work. Yoongi was lucky you were trying to butter him up first, “Well, in that case, you don’t need to come! I’ll eat all this food by myself then.”A few seconds later, Yoongi’s quick footsteps thundered down the hall. When he got to the kitchen, his starry eyes got big looking at the spread you made for him. Yoongi walked in slowly the smile on his face growing by the moment; it made you want to cry. It was a blessing to be the person who made him smile like that, even if it was for a short time. Your smile was soft as he met you for a hug,“What a nice-looking meal. Is today special?” He asked, his voice deep hitting you deep in your soul. You blinked away the tears that started to appear,“No. I just felt like making you something nice. Is that alright, oppa?”“Oppa?” Yoongi beamed, pulling away from you to look in your eyes, “What happened to your ‘I’m not calling anyone in here oppa’ rule?”“You remember that? That feels like a lifetime ago,” You laughed, “And I broke it for Jin and for Tae…and now for you. I will never break it for Jungkook.”“Good.” Yoongi said with a kiss, “The food does look really delicious, and if it doesn’t taste as I expect, I’ll give you a pass.”“Why?” You snickered, handing him a plate, “Because I don’t look Korean?”Yoongi blinked, and he made a line with his mouth, “Because you are not Korean. Speaking the language, knowing the culture, understanding its nuances does not make you Korean.”“Same thing about being black. And while we are on the subject, can you call up Jay Park and explain that to him too.”“Jay Park don’t want that smoke, baby,” Yoongi said in flawless English while putting food on his plate. You looked at Yoongi in disbelief before a loud, booming laugh came out of your mouth. He smirked while licking his thumb clean, then looked down to your plate. You spoke silent Yoongi enough to know that meant you needed food too. Once your plate was full, you joined Yoongi at the table. He gave you a sweet smile before digging in, starting with a little kimchi and rice. You went straight for the meat and sprouts, happy with the flavor. Yoongi seemed pleased too – his eyes lifting with joy when he tried some of your cooking.“Bunny!”“Yes, oppa?” You replied trying to stuff down that feeling of pride,“This is amazing. Did your momma teach you this?”You chuckled and nodded, setting down your chopsticks, “Korean cooking does come with a Korean household, no?”“Call her right now so I can tell her what a good job you did,” Yoongi demanded. Your face fell at the thought of introducing your future ex to your mom, “Please!”“No. One, it's late there!” You replied in a panic, forcing your brain to come up with as many reasons why it wasn’t a good idea,“It’s 5:32 pm there actually,” Yoongi smirked. You pursed your lips not even questioning why he knew that off the top of his head,“What am I gonna say?” You began throwing your hands into the air, “Hey momma, my idol guy-friend –”“Boyfriend works too.” He interjected with a smirk,“Shut up.” You hissed, “Didn’t I tell you the other night? I don’t want to talk about that.”“Okay. We don’t have to talk about it,” Yoongi shrugged, then crossed his legs, folding his hands in his lap, “Not today at least, and yes, that would be weird to try to explain to your mom.” You exhaled, putting your hand over your heart to calm the racing.“You don’t know what kind of panic you just caused me, Yoon.”“Why does that make you panic? Calling me your boyfriend? I know you’re my girlfriend. I don’t just let any girls come over to my house, and they especially don’t get to stay the night.”“Cool. Okay. Like I said. I don’t want to talk about that right now – I know eventually it’s something that we will discuss, but right now, I enjoy this bubble we are in without labels. I’ve only had one boyfriend –”“Two,” Yoongi remarked, putting up the correct number of fingers. You took in a deep breath and shook your head, putting food into your mouth. You couldn’t speak if you were eating. He smiled wider and put his fingers through his bed head, “Oh, Bunny, are you mad at me now? Fine. I’ll stop teasing you. Plus, I wanna know what you were gonna tell me today.” Your heart leaped in your chest, making you swallow your half-chewed food. Good. If you choked and died here, you wouldn’t have to live with the horror that Yoongi knew you were planning to tell him something.“Ya!” Yoongi cried, hopping up to your rescue. You put your hand out as the food painfully went down, and you gasped for air,“I didn’t think you heard me! I thought you were sleeping! Why the hell were you still awake then?” You shouted. Yoongi blinked and tilted his head in confusion,“Why are you yelling at me? I mean, I guess it wasn’t nice to sneak like that, but it doesn’t deserve to be scolded,” Yoongi pouted, sitting back down.“I’m sorry. I was just shocked.” You apologized, looking down at your plate, moving some things around on it like a child, “I was embarrassed that you heard me.”“I was awake to make sure I didn’t have to lull you to sleep with random stories and tea. I could feel your heart racing about whatever was on your mind, so I wanted to ready when you needed me.” Yoongi blushed.That made you feel worse. Why couldn’t Yoongi fuck up or upset you or make it easy for you to say the thing that would crush him? Why did his heart have to be so good once you got it?“Thank you,” You mumbled as the stinging started in your nose. You wrinkled it and looked back up into Yoongi’s perfect, endless eyes. He broke into a soft smile,“The only way I’ll forgive you is if you tell me.” The only way you’d lose him is if you told him. Were you prepared to do that so early in the morning? You glanced at the window and saw uninterrupted blue sky taking in the last moments before you stepped off the ledge. Might as well get it over as soon as possible,“I wanted to tell you that…” You dug your nails into your thighs, staring him down, “That, I uh…” It was so perfect last night, but now your tongue felt like cement, it refused to say the things you needed to say, “I want you to listen to my mix today. Yeah.” Yoongi looked at you blankly. Shit! He fucking knows you lied again. He blinked twice in a row, silence filling the table as he waited for you to change it to the truth. You awkwardly popped a piece of meat into your mouth, giving him a fake smile. His eyebrow twitched slightly, and he nodded, picking up his chopsticks once more,“That’s what had you so worried that you couldn’t sleep last night?” Even though Yoongi’s tone should’ve been accusatory, it came out even and light, “I suppose, if an award-winning producer asked to listen to my music when I was first starting, I’d be nervous too. But don’t worry. I’ll go easy on you.” He placed the same meat into his mouth. Why? Why did Yoongi let you lie like that? He could’ve pressed it, and you would’ve come undone like a broken dam. Did he trust you that much? It made your heart hurt worse, but then he smiled, ensuring your death, “How about after we get ready, you play it for me?” You didn’t smile back, but you did feel empty. Once again, you had an opening to do the right thing, and you made the wrong decision. By the time you worked yourself up to tell him the truth, Yoongi had kissed your cheek before cleaning off the table. You could’ve followed him, but your feet took you to the bathroom. Your hands turned on the shower, and you cried. You covered your mouth as hard as you could, allowing the sobs to rack through your body. For someone who always caused her own pain, you sure did cry a lot. You must be insane because what you kept doing was the definition of that word. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Nothing would be okay or right until you spit it out, even if everything felt perfect right now. As soon as you and Yoongi were ready, he took you to the guest bedroom he converted into the studio. You wondered if he felt the tension coming off your body like waves. It was in the way you walked beside him, how you sat on the couch, the replies you gave. He sat down in the comfy chair and began playing it. You played with the strings of one of Yoongi’s hoodies and pulled at the waistband of your sweatpants. You were halfway listening before you realized your mix was dancing all around you,“Wait.” You frowned, “When did I give you the drive?”“You didn’t,” Yoongi mumbled, facing away from you, then paused it. He turned himself around, furrowing his brows together, looking perfect in his white t-shirt and black jeans, “I figured it was in your backpack and grabbed it right after my shower.”Terror spiked through your body when you realized he went through your bookbag. The same bookbag with pictures of you and Namjoon. The images of you that were scratched off and covered with red. Your stomach flipped while you sat there, not sure what to do. If he saw it, he surely would’ve brought it up on his own. Maybe you put the drive in the front pocket, and he didn’t have to rifle through the large compartment. Yoongi would’ve made a big deal about it if he saw it.“Is that a problem?” He questioned pulling your mind back to him,“No,” You replied with a shake of your head, “Not like I’m hiding anything.” You laughed weakly.Yoongi’s face was unreadable before turning back around. You held your breath to stop yourself from freaking out. He absolutely knew. Even if his face was blank and he was silent, you could always read his mind. Yet, he didn’t say anything. What was he playing at? Why wouldn’t he confront you?“By the way, Bunny-ah. When we are in this room or any studio, please refer to me as Min PD-nim.”At this point, you’d call him anything he wanted, “Of course, Min PD-nim.” A harsh stillness fell. You bit down on your tongue to keep your teeth from chattering. Calling him that was worse than Yoongi-seonbae. Why was he so kind to you still if he knew? Did it not bother him or worry him? Yoongi’s shoulders started to shake silently until a high-pitched laugh bubbled up from him,“I can’t believe you didn’t give me any lip! Whatever it is that has you on your best behavior; I like it. Ah, I crack myself up!” He chuckled, wiping away a stray tear. Your face fell in shock. That didn’t make sense at all. Was it possible Yoongi honestly didn’t know? That you didn’t know him as well as you thought you did. You fell back into the sofa, letting the music play around you, getting lost in the confusion of your mind. You mentally talked yourself into and out of the fact that he knew. Then you sat up staring at the back of his head. It was possible that he knew and didn’t care. But that didn’t seem like Yoongi. Especially since he stayed up and waited for your heart to calm down before he fell asleep himself. No, if he knew he would’ve said something. Then, the fact still remained you needed to tell him. Yoongi listened to the song three times to completion before turning around and spouting off his award-winning knowledge. He generally liked the idea, but it could be more polished in the transitions. Then he asked who was doing what part you answered him on who you thought would be best there. You couldn’t really make a decision without the input of your team; plus, it was hard to make those decisions when you just decided you wanted to stay a few days ago. Yoongi’s face of disappointment that you weren’t doing all his verses was priceless. The two of you worked until it was mid-afternoon. Your stomach grumbled as you were laying out on the couch, a notepad covered in notes. Min PD-nim was a frightening monster. Maybe you misheard him when he said he liked it because once he was finished, the song that you made was ripped apart, stitched back together, and had a bow on top. You were grateful, but damn, you did not want to be in that position again.“Min PD-nim,” You groaned, “Can we eat? I’m hungry.” You pressed your hands down on your rumbling belly,“You sound like Hobi.” Yoongi laughed while leaning his head against his fist. His nimble fingers swept across the keyboard at the same time his other hand moved clips up and down. It made your hunger worse,“You make him call you Min PD-nim in the studio?”“No.” Yoongi swiveled his chair around quickly, before putting his thumb and index finger under his chin with a sweet smile, “He calls me SUGA PD-nim.”You gasped, standing up quickly and marching over to him, “That’s less formal than Min PD-nim. Lemme guess, Namjoon calls you Yoon PD-nim.”“Nah. He just calls me Yoon.”“Well, I think it’s ridiculous,” You sighed, sitting in his lap. You placed your forehead on his kissing his lips, “I’m hungry, Yoongi-oppa.”“I guess oppa will have to get you some food, huh? I needed to run out anyway. Would you mind staying here alone for a while?”“You don’t want me to come with you?” You frowned, leaning back extremely puzzled. It was a little strange, honestly. You’ve spent the last few days with him that being apart was something you weren’t ready to experience yet. Not that you minded being alone, it just felt weird. You were trying to hold all the moments you could.“It’s not that I don’t.” Yoongi smiled, tapping your bottom lip, “I just want to take a walk, okay.” To get away from his lying, cheating semi-live in girl…thing. It made sense to you. You nodded and got off his lap, forcing yourself to smile back. He stood up and kissed your cheek, mentioning that he’d be back soon, and if you also wanted to take a walk, just text him. Then he walked close to you, making you promise to cover up tightly if you left out. You agreed and saluted him as he walked out of the studio. While Yoongi was gone, you found ways of occupying your time. Trying on clothes, going through his bookshelf, looking at some of the records he collected. You did everything to keep your mind from doing the one thing you needed to do. Tomorrow – you decided. You’d tell him tomorrow since today was practically over anyway. There was no need to ruin the evening if you didn’t have to. Plus, tomorrow you needed to leave anyway; winter break would be over soon, and it would be back to the regularly scheduled blackmail. On the couch, you pulled your phone out to message your family. You’ve texted and called every now again, but you hadn’t really spoken to Marina since you went to Yoongi’s house. One, you still didn’t want to hear her gloat about how right she was, and there was no two…you just didn’t want to listen to her mouth. You cackled, leaning your head back against the armrest dialing her. The phone rang twice before Marina’s face appeared on screen, her blue eyes narrowed on you,“Oh! Hi there, my sister, who disappeared off the face of the earth.” She seethed. At least her eyes weren’t that strange grayish color. You shivered at the thought while she mumbled something about you being lucky because tomorrow was special.“I’m sorry, Mar. I –”“Told Min Yoongi the truth, and now I’m so devastated I can’t even leave the house. I know, sis, and I feel for you. Do you feel this digital hug I’m giving you?”You laughed and sat up, shaking your head, “No. That wasn’t going to say. I was going to say –” Three loud knocks made everything stop. Blood drained from your cheeks as you stared at Marina, terrified. Because Yoongi wouldn’t need to knock to get into his apartment. She blinked and leaned forward,“Why do you look like that…are you okay?” Three more knocks banged as she asked you. You ducked down, trying to make yourself one with the couch. Nobody knew you were there – unless… “Who is knocking on your door like that…”“Not at home, so I don’t know.” You whispered,“Where are you then?” Marina questioned in the same voice,“Yoongi’s.” With every knock, you shook your pulse quickened because there could only be one person out there. Your blackmailer found you somehow. Your bottom lip trembled as your sight blurred, tears falling down your face. If you opened that door, you would be in horrible trouble. If you didn’t, Yoongi would come back, and he could be hurt or worse, “I have to go.”“What?” She barked, “Not after telling me that you are at Yoongi’s house! Give me a fucking tour or something!?”“I have to go.” You said once more, sitting up, “I love you, Marina. Please remember that…and take care of Kevin. Tell momma I’m sorry.”“Sorry?! Where are you going? You are scaring –” You hung up and turned off the phone. Silence filled the apartment when the knocking stopped. A glimmer of hope came with it. They must’ve changed their mind and left. That realized nobody was home, and there was no need to keep pounding on the door like that. You swallowed, wetting your throat and staring at the door. Most likely, you were wrong and about to enter a standoff with an unknown person. You pushed yourself off the couch quietly, moving to the entrance, blood rushing against your ears. Adrenaline pulsed in your veins because…you were trapped. If this was your end, it would be better to face it head-on. With no fear. You reached for the handle, your hand shaking in panic. Then, in a surprise to yourself, you snatched the door open screaming,“What the fuck do you want?!” Nobody was there. Nothing but the empty hallway and the sounds of heat rushing through the vents. Then something solid fell at your feet reigniting your flight or fight; you reached behind you to grab something to fight. Like hell, were you going to let some blackmailer end you without getting one or two good licks in.“Kitten?” You jumped back, screaming bloody murder once more, not expecting the voice to be so deep. Or so familiar. Then it clicked. Kitten?! You looked at the person on the floor while your face scrunched up like you sucked on a lemon. Lying at your feet was a blond-haired, chocolate-brown eye’d, idol named Kim Namjoon. That was worse. Oh, you didn’t know that until really thought about it, but talking to Namjoon right now was way worse than fighting off a blackmailer. And that was sad.“Kitten?” Namjoon asked again, slowly getting up, the rustling of his puffy down coat oddly calming. When you didn’t reply, he grabbed your face before wrapping his arms around you, hugging you tightly, “I’m so glad you’re here. I was so worried about you.”“What are you doing here?” You seethed, your chest heaving as your body tried to do something with all of the energy it gave you to protect yourself. You wiggled to get out, but Namjoon held on tighter,“I went to your dorm, and when I didn’t find you there, I came here. It was the last place you mentioned, so it was a guess. You’re okay. You’re still here.” Namjoon had such an idealistic tone in his voice. It hurt. His kindness and his fight to keep you close hurt. But you knew he was reckless. From the beginning, he always did things like this, but still, having him here as a physical reminder of the horrible person you truly were hurt.A cold prickly sensation dripped down your spine as he pulled back, looking into his deep-set eyes, “Namjoon...I…”“I don’t want you to leave.” He nodded, “Tell them you changed your mind. Tell them that it doesn’t matter – we’ll go to Bang PD-nim and explain to him that our feelings happened. We can’t help that. And then the problem is solved. We just have to be honest about what we are to him.”“Namjoon…” You whispered, taking a step back from him. Without a thought, Namjoon stepped closer to you reaching out for your hand,“I’m sorry it took me so long to get here.” He smiled brightly, his dimple the sharpest knife that dug into your heart, “But I’m here now. I promise you don’t have to worry about anything now. I’ll keep you safe.”“Namjoon.” Your vision became blurry as the first tear dripped,“Kitten…why are you –”“You shouldn’t be here.” You whispered, looking down at your feet, the tears coming faster. If you hurt one of the best people you knew, did that make you a villain?“Why not? Because of hyung?” Namjoon laughed, waving it off, “It’s okay. I’m here. So, don’t cry, please. I know you're worried about the future, I promise it’ll be okay.”Yes, it would be okay. Eventually. That was the one sliver of hope that you held on to, “Namjoon…I love Yoongi.” Namjoon was a man of high intelligence and words. You knew that saying those three was more potent than going on a long speech. The bubble popped. Finally. You looked up at him and smiled as brightly as you could, tears running down your face. Namjoon wouldn’t know how important he really was in your life because without him, you wouldn’t have been strong enough to say it on your own. You bowed at him deeply then covered your eyes not having the courage to look at him for another second,“I’m sorry. I love Yoongi, you were right. I looked at him differently, and I’m sorry I didn’t know myself. I’m sorry I led you on. I’m sorry that –”“Stop,” Namjoon whispered, his voice cracking. You dropped your hands to see fat tears rolling down his flushed face, “Stop because watching you cry hurts worse than hearing your truth.” He took the collar of his shirt and cleaned his face, “I love you –”“Why the fuck would you say that?!” You screamed suddenly find it hard to breathe, “Why would you admit that now,”“Because it’s my truth!” He cried in return, “You don’t get to lay your truth at my feet and expect me not to speak my own. I want you at my side, next to me because I love you, Y/N-ah.”“Will you both stop yelling? I can hear you down the hall.” You were so caught up in the moment you forgot where you stood. You forgot who was going to come back. Yoongi walked in the door, closing it behind him with his foot, his hands full of bags. He was glacially calm as he walked past you and Namjoon to the kitchen. As if the two of you didn’t exist. You reached out finding that you were glued to the floor,“Yoongi…” You croaked,“Give me a minute.” He replied with a sigh, “I need to put this up.” Namjoon looked to you, his face streaky with tears, and smiled. He still smiled at you. You turned from him turtling into yourself because everything told you to run. Leave the building, go into the snow. For once, you kept yourself still and breathing. No running. Not when you still had everything to gain. When Yoongi finally walked back into the living room, Namjoon and you didn’t move an inch. The whole time Namjoon tried to get your attention, but you felt like he was Medusa, and the moment you’d look at him, you’d turn to stone.“Come sit on the couch.” Yoongi invited, sitting on the coffee table with his legs crossed, “I think we all need a talk.”“Yoongi-hyung,” Namjoon spoke firmly. He then bowed, “I’m sorry for interrupting your space and for making Y/N-ah cry.”“Come and sit.” Yoongi sighed softly, “This has gone on long enough.” Namjoon stood up slowly and nodded, walking to the couch, where he took off his coat. Yoongi stared at you, his eyes still starry. How did Namjoon move so easily like that? Wasn’t he terrified of what would happen next? He started to sit then whipped around looking at you, both of them asking you to come to them and you still were glued,“No.”The word shocked you as it came from your mouth. You would not move from the spot until you were empty of all feelings. You wanted them to fill the entire room until everyone drowned in them.“No. I’m not coming over there. I’m going to say what I need to say, you two are going to listen and then maybe, hopefully, someone will feel alright at the end. So, I’m going to stay over here where I feel strong enough.” You nodded and took a deep breath, “Yoongi, the man I talked about on the roof was Namjoon. He and I have been in a secret relationship, but someone found out somehow. And that’s when then blackmail started. They sent me videos, called and threatened me, eventually putting pictures of the two of us at my door with my face scratched up like they wanted me to die. They wanted me to leave, and I agreed I would because it felt like the right choice. Then I came here for dinner, and everything fucking changed.” You paused and realized you were staring at the back of the couch. You looked up slowly at Yoongi’s bright smile, his eyes glassy with tears,“I realized my feelings for you, and I realized that even if I did feel something for Namjoon, it didn’t compete with what I felt for you. But it doesn’t change the fact that I lied to both of you. That I hurt both of you. That I deserve to be at the bottom of a well –”“Stop!” Namjoon cried, standing up, rubbing his red nose, “No, you don’t!”“Let me finish!” You snapped, “Let me finish before I lose it.” You sniffled and rubbed the tears off your face with the sleeve of your shirt, “Namjoon, I’m sorry that you had to work so hard. I’m sorry I couldn’t be easy; I couldn’t just go with your flow. I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough before, but I’m strong enough now to say that you don’t deserve this treatment.”“Y/N-ah,” Yoongi whispered,“I know that I’ve ruined what I have with each of you, but I hope that I can be selfish enough to say that I don’t want to go anymore. And if I have to spend the rest of my life at both of your feet, groveling to apologize, I will. I don’t want to leave. I want to be here.” Your voice was quiet and continued to grow the more you realized that your life was here now, “I want to make my team great. I want to root for Yoonsook. I want to make cookies with Tae again. I want to take walks with Namjoon. I want to sit on the roof with Yoongi. I don’t want to go, and I don’t know how to stay.” As your body shook, tears and snot running down your face, your legs stayed strong. You did not collapse under the pressure that you felt. The truth set you free, and you were empty. It was lighter now. The three of you were crying; all the ache was all on their faces. Yoongi’s skin blotchy, but no matter how fast he cleaned his face, more tears ran down. Namjoon’s fists were taught at his side, you saw his big brain trying to figure out what to do next, but the gears were stuck due to a sticky thing called pain. You didn’t even blame them if they did hate you. You hated yourself too. Time moved, using pings of smartphones and broken-hearted breaths to remind you of its existence. But you couldn’t tell if it was seconds or hours, but you knew time was moving. Because it had too, just like you.“Then stay,” Yoongi spoke after what felt like an eternity of silence. “Stay because I don’t want you to leave either.”“Neither do I.” Namjoon agreed, nodding at Yoongi. Your breath caught in your chest,“What?!” You blinked, your knees buckling as your heart pounded against your ribcage, “I admitted I lied to you. That I cheated. That I’m a horrible person. Kick me out. Tell me to go. Tell me I don’t deserve to be here.”“You are doing your best, aren’t you?” Yoongi sobbed, standing up, “That’s all anyone can ever ask. I’m not sure, nor do I care why you have such a problem seeing that, but if you never try, you’ll never get better at it.”“I don’t…deserve…”“You are always going on what you do and don’t deserve. You don’t get to decide what is given to you! That’s not what friendship is!” Namjoon barked, “You deserve kindness. You deserve a second chance.”“You didn’t even think about it! You are always so fucking irritational!” You spit back at him. It felt like venom was bubbling in the back of your throat because if they didn’t hate you, you would make them. Their forgiveness was too much.“I’m irritational?!” Namjoon hissed, “DO EVER REALLY LISTEN TO YOUR SELF? You are irrational! Here we are, telling you that we want you here because, yes, our lives are fine with you, but they are so much better with you here. And you are still coming up with some bullshit reasons to run away!”“I DON’T CARE!” You screamed so loudly your throat burned, “I DON’T CARE BECAUSE IT WOULD BE EASIER IF YOU HATED ME! CAST ME OUT LIKE I SHOULD BE! BURN ME AT THE STAKE! LET ME BE THE VILLAIN!”“I won’t.” Yoongi growled, cutting through the screaming with the deepness of his voice, “Because I deserve some kind of happiness with you. You don’t think you deserve my forgiveness, you don’t. But I still am giving it to you because I love you. I love you. I beat myself up about it for too long, wondering why it had to be you. But it is. Don’t think that my forgiveness comes without a price because there is one. And it’s heavy, but my forgiveness is yours.”“Stop,” You blubbered as your knees gave out. There was no pain as you hit the floor, “Stop.”“Not until you get it through that beautiful, thick skull of yours!” Namjoon hiccupped, “You say, you don’t wanna go, and then we will figure out how to get you to stay.”“But your heart.”“My heart is broken.” Namjoon admitted, “But I’ll repair it. As long as your happy, healthy, and here – I’ll be able to fix it.” Rain and thunder ripped your insides in the form of tears and screams. You wanted to be drowned by feelings; you just weren’t expecting to be flooded by theirs. It was warm and sweet in their feelings, like the first time you danced in the summer rain. You were always so wrapped up that you never felt the extent of them. If they wanted to forgive you, then you couldn’t stop them. But that also meant you would spend the rest of your existence making sure you’d never make Yoongi or Namjoon feel like this again,“Okay.” You wept nodding, looking at Yoongi and Namjoon, your reasons to keep going, “Okay. I’ll make sure you know how much your forgiveness means to me…both of you. I’ll stay.”“I know you will,” Yoongi replied, walking over to you, his smile small but confident, “And the first step is making sure you stay here.”“We’ll come up with a plan,” Namjoon announced, watching closely as Yoongi helped you to your feet. His hands landed on your shoulders, his starry eyes staring into yours. They were full of pride. You placed your face onto his chest feeling tears threatening to drop,“You knew the whole time, didn’t you? About Namjoon and me. About the blackmailers. About everything. You were just waiting for me to speak on my own.”Yoongi chuckled and put his chin on the top of your head while his arms wrapped around you, “I thought you were cried out. How about we take a break and eat. I know you’re hungry. Why don’t you lie down while Namjoon and I cook? You don’t mind, right, Joonie?” He released you with a kiss to your forehead,“Of course not.” Namjoon beamed, “We should calm down for a moment, then figure out what to do next. And that will help with food. Rest for a bit.”“I can help.” You spoke softly, the sharp ping of a headache piercing your skull and the rumbling of an empty stomach. Yoongi gave you a stern look that said, you can get in bed or I can put you in bed, “But, I think I’m going to take up the offer to rest.”“Good, we’ll wake you when it's ready.” Yoongi nodded. The moment you closed Yoongi’s bedroom door, you crawled into his bed and held a pillow close. How could you be so lucky? You knew that they were still mad and hurting, but they placed that aside to show you that it would be okay. You smiled gently as sleep lulled you quickly without a bubble to keep you awake. And it was sound. Smells of meat, spices, and oil flooded your senses, waking you up to a very loud and starving stomach. They were grilling! You shot out of bed and sprinted to the kitchen, starving. Then stopped trying to remember if the kitchen always looked like a party set up. There were balloons everywhere, streamers hanging from the ceiling, and a large purple banner with ‘Happy Birthday, Bunny’ written on it. You hid against the wall racking your brain for the date. How’d you forget your birthday?!“I shoulda known,” Namjoon sighed with a chuckle, taping a row of sparkly purple streamers at the other entrance, “When I heard you call her Bunny on the phone. I shoulda known. You know that she only allows her family to call her that, right.”“I know.” Yoongi smiled, while fussing with a bow on a gift, “I should’ve told you sooner, Namjoon. And for that, I am sorry.”“As long as you are happy and she’s happy, I’ll be happy. You are my family. If I have to be by her side as her friend, then I’ll stay there.” Namjoon shrugged, stretching upward and admiring his handiwork, “I probably did something bad in a past life to get this kind of rejection.”“You’re so dramatic.” Yoongi laughed waited for Namjoon to look at him. Yoongi bowed deeply to the other man, “Thank you. I was worried because I love you too.”Namjoon beamed his face turning a soft pink, “Ah, nothing will come between us. Except if you try to leave Bangtan…that, we can fight about that. Now, go get your girlfriend.” It was a strange feeling – but you could only explain it as being on a tightrope. It was terrifying, dangerous, but so exhilarating; you were terrified to take another step because it could mean your doom. But somehow, you’ll manage to. As long as Yoongi and Namjoon were on the other side and their smiles were bright, you’d make it.“Ta-da!” You glowed despite your puffy eyes and parched throat, “I’m right here.” They turned around in horror. Namjoon snorted before laughing so hard he bent over, nodding his head for no reason. Then Yoongi threw his hands up in defeat shaking his head,“You ruined it.” Yoongi deadpanned,“Hyung,” Namjoon snickered, “It’s the birthday girl’s day. So, be nice.”“You didn’t even know it was her birthday!” Yoongi said, rolling his eyes. You laughed, looking around at their hard work. The food looked amazing on the island, the cake was stunning, and you were standing. You couldn’t ask for anything else.“Technically, I was going to celebrate it tomorrow because that’s when her birthday is…because she was born there.” Namjoon corrected using his fingers to point to where he thought Los Angeles was,“Ya! Don’t make me kick you out! You weren’t even supposed to be here.” Yoongi teased, grabbing your hand and guiding you to the cake. He pulled out your chair and let his fingers rub the side of your neck, “Let me light the candle…”“Right here,” Namjoon announced before tossing a box of matches to his elder. Yoongi caught them with ease, striking it and lighting the candles on the cake,“Make a wish,” He whispered walking behind you,“No need.” You nodded, watching the flame ebb, “My wish was to stay here.”“That wish technically hasn’t come true yet,” Namjoon mumbled,“Yeah, well, I feel like it will! Let me live with a bit of hope, okay?” You grumbled in return. What do you wish for when you feel like you have everything you need? You grabbed Yoongi’s hand, feeling his steady pulse in your palm. You smiled at Namjoon and closed your eyes,“When I was a kid…I’d wish that my mother and father would tuck me into bed that night. That’s all. Something, really easy, I felt. But weirdly enough, right now like having you both feels like what I imagined. So, I won’t wish for that this year.” The face of your mother came to your mind, in full color – bright smile, broad nose, full lips. She mouthed that she loved you, and you choked on happy tears, “I’ll wish for something else.” Yoongi whispered that you could wish for whatever you wanted, and he’d do his best to make it come true. And you knew that he would do his best to make everything you ever wished for had come true with.“I wish…” You muttered thinking it and feeling it deeply in your soul,“If you don’t say it out loud it won’t come true,” Namjoon joked,“I wish to catch the blackmailer and bring them to justice.” You blew out the candles while the two of them went quiet. You smirked watching the smoke rise, dipping your finger into the frosting, “Yoon said whatever I wanted…” Then you licked it. It was the sweetest buttercream you’d ever tasted. Then you licked your finger clean for good measure.