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Carl and Rick walked along the abandoned street, guns in their holsters and gas cans clutched in their hands. Carl couldn’t see his dad glancing at him from beside him but more so feel the glances snuck his way. They were out gathering supplies so his dad could plan his attack on the Sanctuary. He didn’t know how this was all going to end, but it felt like there would be more left dead than alive.
It needed to happen, maybe it was even necessary, but the image of Judy dead in his arms haunted his dreams. Carl swallowed the lump in his throat and straightened his back, walking faster. If there was one thing he was certain, he wouldn’t let that nightmare become true. He wondered if his dad was too caught up in Negan’s blood in his hands to remember what they were fighting for.
“Carl,” his dad said, briefly jogging to catch up. “What’s on your mind?”
Carl let out a shaky breath and turned his head to the left to catch his dad’s eye. He slowed his pace, realizing how much his feet ached.
“It’s nice to be out here is all,” he responded.
Rick nodded his head. “I know you can take care of yourself. You earned that,” he said. “I just feel better knowing you’re safe inside, with Judy.”
Carl sighed and shook his head. “I’m never safe, dad.
You
said that. Remember?”
“I’m proud of you. You never did it. You never let your guard down, even when I wanted you to.”
Rick was met with silence. “I want you home,” he continued, “because I know I can trust you to protect it.”
“So why am I here with you now?”
“Because I needed your help,” Rick explained. “And maybe I wanted to check in with you after...everything.” Flashes of Negan standing over Carl
again,
threatening his son’s life made his blood boil.
“I survived. I’m here,” he mumbled. “But I’ve been thinking…” Carl paused. Images of Judy clouded his brain once again. He didn’t know why it was difficult to be open with his dad about his emotions. He wanted to be stronger and emotionless, but he knew his dad somehow just felt when something was wrong. “How does this all end, dad?”
“We win.”
“But who’s going to be alive when this shit’s all over?”
“
Carl
.” Rick gave him a stern look. “I won’t let anything happen to you or Judy. Once Negan’s dead, we’re the ones who live.”
Carl nodded his head. He wanted to believe his dad, begged himself to find truth in his words, but how could they be sure of anything anymore? After he lost his eye, he was so angry. When his dad told him what the people of Alexandria came together to do, to fight against the walkers, his anger slowly faded. Maybe it was all unfair, but working together is what saved them in the end.
Carl’s feet dragged until he stopped completely. “I’m scared for Judy, dad.” His shoulders slumped as he faced his dad. “If this is all there is now, what kind of life is she going to have?”
Rick stared at him, opening his mouth as his eyes focused on the ground. He pressed his hand to his forehead.
“I barely remember before. It doesn’t even feel real,” Carl whispered. “Sometimes people need to die. I know that. But if all we do is kill and fight, does that make us any better?”
Rick reached out and squeezed Carl’s shoulder. He lowered himself slightly to Carl’s height and waited for their eyes to meet. “You remind me so much of your mom sometimes. When you were shot on the farm, she thought the same things. She wondered what kind of life this is going to be for you. She wasn’t wrong and neither are you.
“Life is harder now. You know that.” Rick placed his other hand behind Carl’s neck. “We give up parts of ourselves just to survive, but life was always going to be hard. I couldn’t protect you from the things you’ve had to do. But I knew it then and I still know it now. We do what we have to do and then we get to be
alive
. There’s still a life worth living, Carl. The pain is just a part of it.”
Rick pulled Carl’s hat from his head and embraced him, feeling Carl’s arms wrap around and pull him closer. A moment later Carl stepped back, the briefest glint of a smile upon his lips.
Rick flipped his old hat in his hand and plopped it onto his head, stepping farther from Carl.
“I missed this old thing.” Rick crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back, posing as if out of a clothing catalogue. “How’s it look?”
Carl snorted and stepped forward. “Like it belongs to me.” He made a quick pass at his hat but Rick quickly stepped to the side and out of his reach.
“Dad, c’mon. You look like Woody from Toy Story!”
Rick laughed. Carl took advantage of the moment and quickly snatched his hat off his dad’s head.
Carl smiled, placing the hat back where it belongs. “It looks better on me anyway.”
Rick shot his son an amused look and began walking again. “I forgot about that movie. You must have made me watch it a hundred times.”
“It was my favorite.”
“My brother used to make me take him to see every new Star Wars. We must have went every weekend. He loved it.”
“You didn’t love it?”
“I loved spending time with him. Just like with you and your Toy Story,” Rick explained. “Why’d you like it so much anyway?”
Carl shrugged his shoulders. “I guess he just reminded me of you.”
With the ache in his feet completely forgotten, Carl walked easier beside his dad feeling lighter.
***
“We’ll meet back at the intersection in twenty minutes. Anything happens, call me for me,” Rick said.
As they parted ways, Carl glanced at the street before him. There was a few buildings and cars littering the streets. Everything looked like it had been picked clean a few times over. He sighed. Everything in this world was dead.
He thought he’d be used to the smell by now, but as he passed a corpse rotting in a car, flies still swarming around it, his stomach churned. He opened the door and nudged the body with his gun. When it didn’t move he reached down and pulled the lever to the gas tank. He leaned against the car and tried to stifle some gas but was met with nothing.
What sounded like a light tapping against the pavement soon approached Carl. He quickly dropped stomach first against the street, glancing under the car. Clumsy footsteps slowly dragged against the pavement on the other side of the car. He pushed himself up, sneaking around the car with his gun raised. He peeked out and lined his sights in with his head, but something held him back from pulling the trigger.
It looked like a walker from behind. His ratty brown hair was slicked back in fresh walker blood that trailed down his entire body. His footsteps were clumsy but controlled and he walked straight, slowly swinging his arms like he was on an evening stroll. He definitely couldn’t be a walker. Carl considered shooting anyway, thinking him likely to be one of Negan’s men who would probably shoot Carl without a second thought. But this guy just seemed so casual, unlike any of Negan’s people that he had encountered.
Carl raised his gun higher, holding his finger over the trigger.
“Hey!” he shouted.
The guy swung his body around. He looked only a few years older than Carl but it was hard to tell with his face covered in blood. He looked Carl up and down and slowly raised his hands above his head.
“Are you going to shoot me?”
“Don’t know yet.” Carl stepped around the car and approached him. “Depends who you are.”
“My name is Nick.” He lowered his hands. “I know I look...well, like this.” He motioned the walker blood covering his body. “But I’m just looking for some supplies.”
“Doesn’t look like you’ll find any here.”
“I think you’re probably ri-”
Gun shots rang in the air from a distance. Carl glanced at his gun in confusion.
Who the hell is shooting?
Nick ducked down between the cars and snuck away. Carl watched him go and lowered his gun, stomping toward the shooter. Of course it was his dad.
“Dad!” He shouted. “He wasn’t doing anything. Why’d you-”
“They were just warning shots.” Rick approached Carl, holstering his gun. “He’ll live.”
“He needed help,” he snapped. “We could take him back.”
“We don’t know him. He could be one of
them
.”
Carl glared at his dad. “Negan’s guys are at the Sanctuary planning how to kill us right now. He could have helped.”
“Maybe. But we can’t take that chance. He looked-”
“He’s covered in walker blood. He
looked
like he knows how to survive.”
“Then he’ll be fine.” Rick grabbed the gas can that Carl left by the car and moved on to the next. When they finished, it was a silent walk back to Alexandria.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
He kept his footsteps light as he crossed the hall and swung the door open. The early morning dawn crept through the windows, casting just enough light to see Judy asleep in her crib. He backed out of the room, leaving the door cracked. As he rubbed the sleep from his eye, he made his way to the bathroom to clean up. Carl combed his hair away from his face, preparing his fresh bandage. I could really use a haircut , he thought. He glanced in the mirror, seeing himself and frowned at his reflection. He heard Negan’s words in his mind telling him his eye was disgusting, taunting him. He never cried much anymore, but Negan had known just what buttons to push to stir up all his insecurities. He wouldn’t let that happen again. He wrapped his bandage around his eye and swooped his hair in front of it. He slammed the medicine cabinet shut and made his way downstairs. Carl hopped onto the counter and began mashing an apple. He thought about that guy he had seen yesterday. He knew his dad was right; whenever they trusted people someone usually died. But then he thought of Michonne, of Aaron, of Jesus, and sometimes it was worth taking a chance. All he knew for sure was if he was the one alone and needing help, his family would hope there would be someone willing to take a chance on him. Carl scooped Judith into his arms and made his way to the dining table. “Morning, Judy.” She smiled at him and pressed her head into his shoulder. Maybe he couldn’t be the one to be better than this world, but he wanted Judith to make his mom proud. He pressed a kiss to her mop of curls on her head and sat her on his lap. Carl heard footsteps coming towards him and looked up to see MIchonne smiling at them. She tousled his hair as she passed and flopped herself down in a chair. Judith stretched her arms towards Michonne eagerly. “Ma!” Michonne glowed and scooped Judith into her arms. “I’ll feed her, Carl. You eat something.” Carl busied himself with the stale cereal left and dried milk, making something resembling a nice breakfast. He placed a bowl in front of Michonne. “She called you ‘Ma’,” he teased. Michonne beamed. “So she did.” She paused. “Does that bother you, Carl?” Michonne avoided his face, finding sudden interest in the bowl he placed in front of her. Carl contemplated, staring at Michonne. She finally looked up to meet his eye. “My mom gave her life so Judith could have one,” he began. “I think she’d be happy knowing Judy has someone to love her like she would have.” Michonne wiped a tear from her eye and glanced away. “Thank you,” she whispered. Carl ate his cereal in silence wanting to open up to Michonne. Something was so easy with her, like she was willing him to open up to her. “Do you believe in heaven, Michonne?” “I’d like to,” she said. “Sometimes it’s hard.” “I used to think it was stupid, but maybe somewhere my mom is taking care of Andre the way you take care of us.” Michonne smiled despite herself. “I hope so.” Rick entered the room. His footsteps were heavy, weighted down from the stress of the lives of his people. The lines on his face were deeper and his beard had been peppered with grey. Carl didn’t see his dad smile much, but as he leaned against the counter he was content to see a genuine smile on his dad’s face. Rick glanced at them gathered at the table. It reminded him of the times before everything happened, when life wasn’t such a fight every day. “What are we talking about?” “Just betting on how long you’ll let that beard grow out is all,” Michonne teased. Rick ran his hand down his chin. “I thought you liked my face.” “I like being able to see it.” “When this is all over I’ll shave everyday if you want.” Carl laughed at him. “Looks like you’ll be shaving soon. It won’t be so funny then.” “Whatever you say, dad.” Rick sat down at the table facing Carl. “About yesterday-” “It’s fine, dad.” Rick sighed. “Look, I know you wanted differently and you might be right, but we can’t afford to take chances. Not right now. Okay?” “Okay.”
Knock, knock.
Carl lifted himself from the chair and walked hastily towards the front door. Daryl stood there, crossbow slung around his back. He nodded his head in greeting and walked through the door. Carl pushed the door closed and followed Daryl. “What’s up?” He shrugged. “Just need to talk to your dad. You’re up early.” Carl smirked. “You’re actually clean.” Daryl raised his eyebrow and shook his head. “You’re about as funny as your old man.” “Hey, Rick. Everyone is grabbing their gear. Should be ready to go in 10.” “What’s happening today?” Carl asked. “You done with this?” Daryl tilted his head towards the half-eaten bowl of cereal on the table. Carl nodded his head. Daryl tossed the spoon in the sink and scooped the bowl into his hands, slurping it down. Judith giggled. “We’re scoping out the Sanctuary and the outposts closests to us,” Rick answered. “We think we’ve got a plan to trap them inside. We just need to see that they’re there, get a look at the area.” “We should be back before before dark,” Michonne added. “We’re leaving Judy with Erik today,” Rick stated. Carl raised his eyebrows. “Erik?” “Apparently he likes kids and Aaron likes him here for now.” Rick began buckling his gun holster around his waist. “I need you to take an inventory of our ammo today. Check in with the guards on the fence. I need to know that they’re prepared.”“I will.” “This war could be over tomorrow or weeks from now. When we’re not here, I need to know that you can lead them.” Rick rested his hand on Carl’s shoulder. “You ready for that?” “I am.” “Good. I’ll see you tonight.” Carl grabbed Judy from Michonne’s arms and they waved goodbye as Rick and Michonne walked away. Daryl followed after them but turned around just outside the kitchen. “Don’t worry,” he said. “You got this.” ***** After Carl finished the inventory he grabbed his backpack and filled it with a few bottles of water and cans of food. They didn’t have much extra supplies, but anything helps when you’re desperate enough. He made his way to the front gate and waved up at Tara and some guy he didn’t know the name of. He really should make his way around to the remaining Alexandrians and get to know them. That is for a later day though. “Can you lock the gate behind me?” Tara squinted her eyes. “Where you going, dude?” “My dad wanted me to leave some supplies out there in case anyone needed to lay low for a while.” “You’re going by yourself?” “I’ll be fine.” Tara shifted her weight to one side and put her hand on her hip. “I can go with you if you want some company.” “Thanks, but you’re a good shot. You should stay up there.” “Alright. But if you’re not back in a few hours, I’m going looking.” Carl tried to stand taller and look older. “I’m searching for some supplies, too.” He opened the gate and shut it behind him. “Don’t wait for me. I’ll be back!” ***** The street was dead silent. He hoped that guy Nick hadn’t gone too far. He found a car easily seen in the middle of the road and placed a can of food and bottle of water on top of it with a note that read, ‘sorry.’ He made his way to the trees. If this town was picked clean, the guy would likely try to hunt in the forest. He heard a twig snap behind him and spun around. Nothing was there. It must have been a rabbit or some animal, but it didn’t help the uneasy feeling in his stomach. He saw a mop of brown hair sitting down on a fallen log. His face wasn’t covered in blood today and his clothes were different. Carl approached him cautiously. When Nick noticed him he jumped up and backed away slowly. “It’s okay,” Carl reassured. “My name is Carl. I’m sorry about yesterday.” Nick stared at him, but his body seemed more relaxed. “Are you going to shoot at me today?” Carl holstered his gun. “That was my dad. They were just warning shots. He didn’t know who you were.” Nick sat back down. “You don’t know who I am.” “Your name is Nick, right?” Nick nodded. Carl reached into his bag and grabbed a bottle of water and a can of food. As Carl moved closer to Nick he reached his hands out offering them to him. Nick reached for the bottle and drank from it eagerly. “It’s alright,” Nick stated. “I have a mom like that, too.” Carl looked around. “Where is she?” “Look, Carl. Thanks for this, but I don’t know you either.” “I’m going to ask you a few questions and I need you to answer them honestly for me.” Carl dropped the can of food down by Nick’s feet. “How many walkers have you killed?” Nick furrowed his eyebrows and sat in silence. “I know it’s hard to keep track, but-” “Hundreds, probably.” Carl nodded. “How many people have you killed?” Nick stared at him and frowned. His shoulders slumped forward and he released a heavy breath. “Six, I think. Maybe more.” “Why?” Nick leaned back casually, crossing his legs. “Because I had to. Either they die or I die.” Carl sat down next to Nick. “I’m from a community nearby. We’re strong. We can help you and your mom if she’s around.” “No one’s ever asked me that before,” Nick mumbled. “How many people I’ve killed. What about you?” Carl straightened his back. “I’ve killed six. I thought I had to or I knew I had to.” Nick looked him up and down until his eyes focused on Carl's hat. He smiled. "How old are you, Carl?" Carl shrugged. "I don't know, man. 16 probably." "You are a badass." Nick stood up and stretched his arms above his head. “Okay, man. Let’s go find my mom and sister. You can tell us all about your community.” “Are they far?” “Just follow me, but they’re not as easy to deal with as me.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Carl walked behind Nick as he lead the way through the woods. The sun was high in the sky and Carl felt the material of his hat go damp against his forehead. He didn’t feel any danger around Nick like he felt around any new people he encountered in this world. He always wanted to help any people in need, but lately that mind set melted away more and more until he hardly recognized who he was.
He usually felt like an extension of his dad. Where he used to run into danger without a second thought, he began to understand the consequences of his actions. He counted the many times he was thoughtless; The times when he should have probably died, but his dad had always been there to save him. He was older now. His dad used to tell him to stop and think instead of just
do
, and he finally understood the weight of that. One moment, one mistake in judgement and it could be all over for him. Carl realized just how difficult his dad’s choices had to be this whole time; the role of leader meant that the lives of himself, his family, and their people were all on the line.
Carl was so lost in his thoughts he didn’t realize Nick had stopped walking. Nick held out his arm to stop Carl and placed his finger against his lips and pointed ahead through the trees. A small group of walkers were shambling around mindlessly.
Carl snuck into his bag and pulled out his knife, handing it to Nick. He moved forward and circled around the trees until he was in front of the walkers.
“Over here,” he shouted. “Come and get me!”
They snarled and groaned, new urgency and life jolted into their bodies at the sight of fresh meat. Carl held his gun and switched off the safety before looking beyond the walkers and catching Nick’s stare. He nodded to him and saw Nick quickly approach and drag his knife into the skull of the walker farthest from Carl.
The sound of the body hitting the ground caused the two closest to Nick to lose focus of Carl. Nick pivoted out of their reach but they were fast and hungry, getting too close to him. Nick was backed against a tree and pushed one to the ground, the other one reaching out and latching onto his arm. Carl lined his sights with the walker and pulled the trigger, watching it fall to the ground.
He heard the slight ring of the gunfire and hungry snarls of the two closing in on him and quickly shot the one reaching for him and it fell back, crashing to the ground with a thump.
Carl felt a hand pressing roughly into his shoulder from behind and heard his heart pound in his ears. He didn’t hear it approach him from behind. He swore his hearing was getting worse as the time passed. All those times he shot his rounds with no silencers or protection from the sound of the bullets must be affecting his hearing.
The force of the walker behind him caused him to stumble backwards, falling hard on his ass. The walker in front of him dived down on top of him and Carl grunted as he held it above him, trying to keep it from digging its hungry teeth into his flesh. He grunted and shoved it as far away from his body as he could manage.
Carl saw the other one by his feet, reaching down towards him. He quickly raised his gun and fired, but the bullet missed its head and pierced through its neck causing it to fall to its knees on top of him. He took his aim and the bullet shot through its forehead. As the body collapsed on top of Carl, he felt his shirt cling to his chest as the blood poured from its skull.
He couldn’t see it, but felt the added weight on his body as the other walker he shoved aside came inches from his face on his right side. He was completely blind to it and was trapped under the other dead corpse. He moved his gun and pulled the trigger but no bullet escaped the chamber. He was out of ammo.
Carl turned his head to the far right and saw the walker angrily snapping his teeth inches from his face. He brought his right forearm to its neck, holding it at bay, but he felt his arm begin to shake with the weight. He gripped his gun by the barrel with his other hand and crashed the handle into its skull. It didn’t do any damage but it gave Carl a moment of relief to drag his body from underneath the dead walker on top of him.
The walker lunged at him just as he pulled his legs free and Carl wrestled it onto the ground beneath him. He raised his gun to his head and crashed it down on the walker’s head. He must have striked it 5 or 6 times until he saw it go limp. A slow trail of blood escaped its skull and leaked onto the ground. Carl took a deep breath and fell onto his back.
The adrenaline quickly faded from his body and Carl’s arms felt weak. That was close. Too close. He had learned how to shoot again and manage without his other eye, but the truth was that it just made him more vulnerable and he hated it.
“Carl!” Nick called, running towards him.
Nick moved the dead walker aside and hovered above Carl’s feet. He extended his arm down and pulled Carl to his feet.
Nick looked Carl up and down noticing the blood splattered on his face and shirt. “Are you okay?”
Carl ran his hand through his hair, pushing it back away from his face.
“Yeah.” Carl let out a shaky breath and ran his hand down his torso, pulling the sticky fabric from his body. None of the blood was his. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
Nick reached down and scooped Carl’s hat from the ground and offered it to him. Carl plopped in onto his head and began walking away. Maybe it was luck or maybe it was his will to live, but he survived. Of all the bad things in this world, he sure as hell wasn’t going to die from a walker bite.
“Thanks for saving me back there,” Nick said as he walked along beside Carl.
“Don’t mention it.” Carl noticed that Nick was walking with a slight limp. “Is your leg alright?”
Nick grimaced. “Yeah. I don’t think it’s sprained or anything. I just landed on it wrong.”
“Do you need help?”
Nick ignored his question. “From my count you’ve helped me twice already. Maybe someday I’ll get to repay the favor.”
They made their way out of the woods and onto the same abandoned street. Nick led the way through an alleyway surrounded by buildings that years ago might have looked bright and inviting. Now they walked across concrete overgrown with weeds and stained in dirt and blood.
As they entered a clearing into a neighborhood with old wooden houses, Carl was reminded of pictures he’d seen in a text book his teacher had taught them about the original 13 colonies. He never thought he’d actually miss learning about history.
“I gotta ask about the hat.” Nick turned his head and smiled. Carl stared at his feet feeling self-conscious like a child. “It’s important, right? Sentimental.”
Carl nodded his head but remained silent. Something about Nick’s presence was calming, like he could control a room with his mood. It was a charisma Carl lacked, but it reminded him of Herschel.
“I had something sentimental at one time,” Nick continued. “It was a watch of my dad’s. It was nice. My mom had given it to him one year for his birthday. I wore it everyday after he died.”
“What happened to it?”
“I pawned it,” Nick recalled. He frowned. “I was out of money, so I traded it to get some drugs.”
Carl sighed. “My hat was my dad’s too, from
before
. He gave it to me after I got shot.”
“Is that what happened with, you know…” Nick averted his eyes from Carl’s bandage and for the first time seemed uncomfortable.
“It is,” Carl mumbled. “But this was a different time. When I got shot by accident at the beginning. He gave it to me when I woke up and I guess it just made me feel strong like him.”
“You are strong, man.” Nick clapped him on the back. “You were shot
twice
and you’re still here. You took down four walkers back there-one of them had at least a hundred pounds on you.” Nick’s tone turned serious. “You helped a complete stranger. I think that takes more strength than anything else nowadays.”
***
When Carl and Nick reached the house his family had found shelter in, Nick paused outside the door.
“Just give me a minute,” he said.
Before Nick could reach for the handle, the door swung open and a woman with dirty blond hair stepped outside.
“Nick,” Madison cried out and pulled him into her arms. She looked over his shoulder at Carl and furrowed her eyebrows.
“Who the hell are you?”
Before Carl could answer, Nick released himself from her hug and cut in, “Mom, it’s okay. This is Carl. He’s here to help.”
Carl smiled awkwardly. Madison rushed Nick into the house and held the door open, inviting Carl inside.
Madison pulled Nick by the arm into the small kitchen and Carl saw her whisper into his ear. Carl didn’t know what she might be saying, but Nick wasn’t trying to hide his responses. “Yeah, kind of.”, “No, mom.”, “Just trust me.”
When they re-entered the room, Carl noticed there were three people instead of two. Carl figured the girl must be the sister Nick mentioned earlier.
“I’m gonna need you to hand over your weapons,” Madison demanded. “And your bag.”
Carl handed her his knife and showed her that his gun was out of ammo. He pulled his bag from around his shoulder and held it out for her. “This area doesn’t have any supplies left. If you look in my bag, I brought some water and food.”
“Thank you,” Alicia said, taking the bag from her mom.
“There’s not much…” Carl crossed his arms. “I thought it was just Nick.”
Madison stared at Carl, her expression was half calculating, half anger. “You’re the one who shot at my boy yesterday?”
“It was his dad,” Nick said.
Carl nodded his head. “There’s a lot of bad people around here. My dad thought he could be one of them.”
“There is no good and bad. Everyone’s done bad. That’s how we’re all still alive.”
“Mom,” Nick warned. “He saved my life. He wants to help us.”
Alicia handed her mom the now half empty water bottle and sat on the couch. She indicated Carl to sit down opposite her.
“I’m Alicia, Nick’s sister,” she said.
Madison sat down next to her daughter. “My name is Madison. Thank you for helping my son.” She rested Carl’s knife on her lap. “Just know that there’s nothing I won’t do to protect my kids.”
Carl gulped. There wasn’t many people who intimidated him anymore, but the way Madison looked at him, curious and cold, with that familiar glint in her eyes that reminded him of his dad, made him nervous.
“I’m from a community nearby. We have walls, houses, supplies. Everything we need to survive.”
“Why are you helping us?” Alicia asked.
“Because Nick looked like the kind of person who needed help.”
“You look pretty young.” Madison raised her eyebrows and leaned back into the cushions. “Does your dad know you’re out here by yourself?”
“He’s out.”
“Out where?”
Carl paused. He didn’t want to mention the war with Negan until he could convince his dad to let them into the community first. “He’s taking care of things.”
“What aren’t you saying, Carl?”
Carl took in Alicia’s curious gaze and Madison’s hard stare. Nick rested casually against the armrest seemingly uninterested in their conversation.
“I need to ask you three question,” he said, directing his words at Madison. “Answer them honestly and I’ll tell you more.”
Madison nodded her head. “How many walkers have you killed?”
“Hundreds, thousands. I don’t know.”
“How many people have you killed?”
“Enough to survive.”
“Why?”
“Because I had to. We’ve all had to.” Madison perched herself up and rested her elbows on her knees. “You telling me you haven’t had to?”
Carl shook his head, trying his best to emulate his dad. “I have.”
Madison moved her hand to rest against Alicia’s knee. Carl noticed she was young, too. Probably younger than Nick.
“It’s funny,” Madison said. “As parents, we do all that we can to protect our kids from the world. But here we all are-killers.”
“That’s what my dad thought. He wanted to protect me, but then he figured out that the best way to do that was to teach me to protect myself.”
Madison smiled. “Tell me about your dad. Is he the leader?”
“Yeah, pretty much. He’s probably a lot like you.”
Alicia smirked, excited by their new company. “Tell us about your community. What’s it like?”
Carl took a moment to think. He didn’t want to mislead them. It was hell right now, he knew that. He thought about the walls and the houses, all those people sheltered from the world when his group first arrived. He knew what it could become. After everything with Negan was over, he imagined a thriving, happy community that Judy and everyone could finally find some peace in.
“It’s called Alexandria,” he started. “When my group first got there it seemed unreal, like it couldn’t be possible. We were out on the road barely surviving before. There were kids playing inside and houses to choose from. There’s solar panels and running water… We got lucky.”
“So what’s the catch?” Alicia asked.
“They were weak. They didn’t know how to protect themselves. There was a lot more people before, but we’re stronger now.”
“So, say we go with you. Are we going to be welcomed with open arms? Just like that?”
Carl shook his head and sighed. “I’m gonna have to talk to my dad first.”
“You think he’ll want us there?” Madison asked.
“It’s not about that.” Carl rose to his feet. “We need people. We need
strong
people.”
Nick spoke for the first time. “Why?”
Carl knew he said too much as the words left his mouth. They’d find out anyway when he took them back, why not take a chance with the truth? “There’s a group. A big group led by someone named Negan. He takes everything he wants from all the communities around here and we decided to fight back. There’s a lot going on right now. I can’t promise we won’t be attacked, but my dad’s smart. We’ve always been the ones who live in the past.”
Nick groaned, placing his hands on top of his head and shaking his head at Carl. “You couldn’t lead with that?”
Alicia looked between Nick and her mom. “It’s nothing new, Nick. People always want to
take
when there’s something worth taking. I think we should go with him.”
“To be in another war?” Madison scolded. “After the dam, after we found each other again, we decided to be alone to avoid all this again!”
“Mom! What other options do we have? To stay out here and starve? I’m not doing that.”
“She’s right, mom,” Nick insisted. “We could at least check it out.”
“I know how it sounds,” Carl said, “But it’s still better than out here.”
Nick grabbed Carl’s bag from the floor and offered it to him. “Then let’s go.”
Madison walked over to Carl and handed him his knife back before leaving the room into the kitchen. Alicia and Nick followed after her. After a few moments Madison made her way to Carl, old rag in hand, and poured some of the water he gave them onto it. She handed it to him, but Carl just tilted his head slightly to the side in confusion.
“For your face,” she said. “You’re covered in blood.”
Carl took off his hat and scrubbed his face clean. “Thanks.”
Madison leaned close to him. “Look, I know you’re just a kid, but if this is anything other than what you say it is, I won’t hesitate to do what I have to.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Carl had been walking ahead of the Clark family, leading the way on their uneventful journey back to Alexandria. Carl didn’t feel much like small talk, so he just blocked out the quiet mumblings of the conversations coming from behind him. He wasn’t sure what to do when he reached the gates with new strangers in tow. He could hide them someplace outside the walls until he talked to his dad or he could try to convince Tara to let him bring them in and sneak them to his house without anyone seeing. The sun was getting low in the sky. He only hoped they would arrive before his dad.
He wondered how the Hilltop was doing. He’d make sure to ask his dad or Michonne about it. Carl knew they were lucky to have Maggie leading them. She was smart and kind and lived everyday with the memory of Glenn. Carl knew as long as they all kept Glenn’s memory with them, they’d always have their humanity. That’s all he wanted in the end; to make a world worthy of those who died helping them survive long enough to see it through.
The last time Carl had felt truly at peace had been his day with Enid. He knew it had probably been only weeks ago that they had rollerbladed down the street, but it felt like a whole different world now. It was the first time he had felt carefree like he imagined other teenagers had felt before the world had gone to shit.
Ultimately he was happy that Enid was with Maggie at the Hilltop, but he missed her. He still remembered how it felt to have her soft lips pressed against his. It had been his first real kiss. The kiss was warm and gentle and nothing like he imagined it to be. The thought of it made him nervous all over again.
His thoughts were cut short when he felt a tapping on his left shoulder. Alicia was there smiling at him.
“Hey, you okay?” She asked. “I called your name a few times…”
“Yeah. Sorry, I was thinking.”
“About what?”
“Just...stuff.” Carl blushed and averted his gaze ahead of him. Carl hoped the shadow his hat cast on his face was big enough for her not to notice. When he quickly glanced her way he noticed a smirk played on her face.
Damn
.
“I know that look.” Alicia’s tone was playful. “Who is she?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Carl, c’mon. All I’ve had to talk to for a long time now is my mom and my brother.”
Carl felt the heat rise in his face. He never really got
the talk
before and didn’t talk about girls with anyone really. It made him uncomfortable. When your daily focus is killing people who are supposed to be dead and trying to survive, other things seem to matter less.
As they walked, Alicia was silent and waiting patiently for him to decide if he wanted to talk or not. What could it hurt? Maybe after this war was over she could give him advice. It’s not like he knew a damn thing about romancing girls. He’d assumed he could ask his dad how he did it, since Michonne was way cooler than he is, but he guessed his dad had gotten lucky with her.
“Her name is Enid,” Carl said. “I was just thinking about the last time we hung out.”
“Enid,” Alicia pondered. “I like that name. It’s different. So tell me about her. Is she your first?”
Carl seemed to choke on air. “Wha...no..I mean...uh, we haven’t...” Carl rubbed the back of his neck nervously.
Alicia laughed. “I mean your first girlfriend.”
“Oh.” Carl sighed in relief. “Yeah, I guess. I don’t really know if we’re going out.”
Carl felt like a fool. He could feel Alicia’s stare on his face. He really needed to learn to talk to girls. He remembered his crush on Beth, but he was comfortable around her. She was family.
“You like her, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So ask her out next time you see her,” Alicia said. “Life is short, especially now. Gotta enjoy the little things while we can.” She nudged his shoulder and winked.
“I’ll, uh, get right on that. But that might be a while from now.”
Alicia furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. “Isn’t she back at your community?”
“She
was
. But not right now. She’s with a friend of mine at a different community called the Hilltop.”
“How many communities are there around here?”
“Five, no six, that I know about,” Carl said. “There’s Alexandria, the Hilltop, the Kingdom-”
“The Kingdom?” The corners of Alicia’s lips raised slightly.
“Yeah, they’re living in a fairytale or something. They call their leader King Ezekiel. He has a pet Tiger and-”
“A tiger?” Alicia exclaimed. “Are you fucking with me?”
“I swear I’m not! That tiger saved my life not long ago.” Carl reflected on his life since arriving at Alexandria. This world was crazy, but his life had seemed unreal. If someone had told him he would be saved by a king’s pet tiger moments before a lunatic, who named his bat, smashed his skull in, he’d think they were insane. It seemed like it would make a pretty cool comic book though.
Alicia shook her head seeming baffled. “If you didn’t seem so serious all the time, I’d say you’re lying.”
Carl shrugged.
“So what are the other communities?”
“There’s Oceanside - I don’t know much about them, some garbage community, and Negan’s compound called the Sanctuary.”
“How did your group end up at Alexandria?”
“There used to be a scout,” Carl explained. “He found us on the road on the way to DC. He saved us. We were starving and tired.” Carl remembered how pointless life felt. He started to believe, for the first time, that death would be better. Carl shook his head. “Most of us were ready to give up but my dad kept pushing us.”
Alicia noticed the way Carl’s face changed every time he mentioned his dad. His face lit up, but there was an underlying hint of anger. It reminded her of how she felt with her mom. She was proud to be the daughter of such a tough woman, but she didn’t always agree with the way she did things. She knew her mom would do anything for her, but it was like she didn’t always
see
her for who she was. Alicia wanted to know more about their relationship, but she didn’t want to pry and have Carl shut her out for being too personal.
“So what’s your story?” Alicia asked. “What led you guys to DC?”
Carl couldn’t remember talking about himself so much,
ever
. “Are you always so curious?”
Alicia rolled her eyes. “I told you, we haven’t been around many people for a long time. You can ask me questions too, you know.”
Carl knew better than to say everything they have done, but it felt nice to remember everything’s that’s happened, even if the memories hurt.
“My group was a lot different at the beginning,” Carl remembered. “When it all happened, we were camped outside Atlanta before the bombs burned the city. My dad wanted to try for the CDC, but that ended up not working out in the end.
“We ended up on a farm owned by the Greene family, but that got overrun by a hoard. Then after being on the road for a long time, we found a prison and we took it. When another community wanted it for themselves, it ended up getting destroyed and some of us managed to escape.
“We all found each other again at a community called Terminus. Turns out they were crazy cannibals.”
“Oh my god!” Alicia scrunched her face in disgust. “That’s gross.”
“Yeah, it was sick. They locked us in a train car and would take a few people at a time to eat, I guess.”
“What the hell is wrong with people?” Alicia mumbled to herself.
“After that,” Carl continued, “we met up with someone who said he was a scientist and needed to get to DC to fix this mess.” Alicia gasped. Carl shook his head. “He was lying. But we tried for DC anyway and that’s when Aaron found us.”
Alicia smiled, thankful to be going someplace with new people and new stories to hear. The thought excited her. It’s strange how lonely you can feel around the people closest to you.
“That’s quite a story, Carl.”
“I guess we’ve all got crazy stories now,” he replied. “How about you guys?”
Alicia sighed, turning her head over her shoulder to look at her mom and Nick. She didn’t really like thinking about the past, but she owed it to Carl.
“Well, we’re from L.A. originally,” Alicia began. “When everything happened, we were put in a safe zone by the government, but those assholes just left us all to die. My brother met a man who had a yacht and we traveled with him for a while.
“We wound up in Mexico and eventually in a hotel, but some things happened and we had to leave. Then we were taken to this ranch owned by some white supremacists, and eventually by the border at a dam. Nick blew it up, but somehow we all survived and found each other again.
“Since then, we’ve just been traveling, never staying in one place too long. We just wanted to escape everything that’s happened, I guess, so we decided to go east. We were ready to move on again when you found Nick.”
Carl had never been to L.A. Before the world had gone to hell, he would see it on T.V. and always wanted to visit a big city. There always seemed like so much to see and do. There was so much of the world he’d never get to experience. Maybe Alicia would tell him about the city sometime if they decided to stay.
“I know why your mom doesn’t trust me,” Carl said. “I wouldn’t trust me either. It seems like almost every time you let your guard down, someone dies.”
Alicia nodded her head. She saw Carl glance at her, his eye piercing through her.
“I don’t know if I trust you either, but if we don’t have hope then we might as well give up, right?” She said.
Carl smiled. He felt validated that his hope for something better wasn’t foolish or childish. When he lost that hope was when he lost who he was. Who he
wanted
to be. It’s what made him fight for something better for Judy. It’s what made him come back to help Nick. His dad’s words rang in his head.
First we survive then we get to live
.
A quiet hum from the distance pulled Carl from his thoughts. It had to be a car engine. Either it was his dad or it was the Saviors. Carl wasn’t sure which would be worse right now given the circumstances. He held out his hand in silence and placed a finger over his lips to hear better. He looked around him in every direction, but there wasn’t much around to hide in.
The trees were sparse in this area, most of the land they were on was just a dead street, but the trees were their best bet for cover. The hum of the engine was getting louder, so he made a dash for the trees and heard the others follow after him. They ducked down behind him and he peaked his head from behind the tree to get a clear view of a truck coming down the road they were just on.
Tires squeaked to a stop about a yard away from them. Two disgruntled men tossed themselves out of the car doors and slammed them shut. Carl recognized them from the night that Glenn and Abraham died. The blonde head of hair was definitely Dwight and the other was Simon. Carl grimaced. He hated Simon and his stupid mustache.
“Piece of shit!” He heard Simon shout. He leaned against the side of the door as Dwight pulled out a cigarette from his pocket and lit it. “Pop the hood and check it out. We gotta get going.”
Dwight took a long drag from his cigarette and faced away from Simon, seeming to ignore him. After a few more moments Dwight popped the hood of the truck and Carl saw his hands get to work on the truck. “Get me that wrench,” he said.
Simon opened the back seat of the truck and handed it to him. As Dwight tinkered with the engine, Simon looked around the area. When his sights came upon the trees Carl quickly ducked his head back.
“I’m gonna check it out down here,” Simon said. He began walking in their direction.
“No need,” Dwight shouted. “Start the truck. I think that did it.”
Simon lingered for a moment before turning around and walking back towards the truck.
“We’re only 10 minutes away. We should just check it out. See if we can take someone so that prick backs down,” Simon said before he he opened the driver’s side and turned the key. It clicked a few times before the engine roared back to life once again.
“We got our orders.” Dwight shut the hood of the truck and tossed his cigarette to the ground.
“If we can get that kid and bring him back, this would be done already,” Simon urged.
“They’ll have lookouts,” Dwight said. “If they’re all still there we’ll both be dead.”
Simon ignored him. “Imagine if we got him and threatened to take his other eye out.” He laughed. “Rick would come begging on his knees for that little shit.”
Carl felt an anger pulse through him. Maybe all the saviors didn’t have to die, but the world would be better without Simon in it. He instinctively reached for his gun, but he remembered he was out of bullets.
“You saying you know better than Negan?” Dwight asked.
Simon took a step closer to Dwight. “Negan has a soft spot for that kid. He should have killed him when he shot up the compound.”
“We’re scoping out the Hilltop and reporting back,” Dwight said. “You got a problem with that, take it up with Negan.”
Dwight and Simon hopped back into the truck and sped away. Carl and the other walked back onto the road scoping out the surroundings in case there might be any other unwelcome visitors. All seemed clear.
“So that’s them?” Madison asked. “These Saviors you told us about.”
“Yes.” Carl glanced at the setting sun, feeling more nervous than before. “We gotta hurry.”
“One of them wants to disobey this Negan. Do you think there’s others who might feel the same way?”
Carl began walking once again towards Alexandria. “Probably. But Simon isn’t the kind you want leading either. He’s probably worse in some ways.”
“How?” Carl could practically feel the gears in Madison’s brain clicking.
“Negan lives by a code. It’s messed up and he thinks he’s a God or something, but he has one.”
“Is that what you saw at his compound?”
Carl thought back to his visit. There were workers and families just trying to survive like his group. It was based on some sort of point system. Their methods were brutal and how they got all their supplies to distribute to their people was even worse, but everyone contributed. Their security and tactics seemed nearly impossible to breach. Some of those people probably hated Negan’s methods as much as he did, but at least they felt safe.
“I saw families and workers who are scared and Negan makes them feel safe, so they ignore
how
he does it,” Carl said.
Madison was silent for a moment. “Does your dad know about that?”
Carl shrugged. “My dad does things his own way, too.”
“Are you the only one in your group to see inside the place?”
“Just one other person, I think. He was taken there for a while, but he escaped.”
The walls of Alexandria came into view from afar. He hoped no one else was back yet so he could have a while to think. Madison was tough. He knew she wouldn’t make it easy for his dad to agree to let them in, but maybe he would look toward the bigger picture, too. The more strong people helping them against Negan, the better.
Carl led them closer, just hidden from view from the guards on the wall. As long as they weren’t looking through their sights, they should be hidden. When they reached the old clock tower building, Carl rushed them in and shut the door.
“I need you guys to stay here until I come back to get you.”
“Is your dad back yet?” Alicia asked.
“I don’t think he is. Not yet. But he should be soon.”
“What’s your plan?” Nick crossed his arms over his chest. He looked amused. “Are you going to sneak us in.”
Carl smirked but ignored his questions. “I should be back in a few minutes.”
When Carl shut the door behind him Madison immediately turned around to face her daughter.
“What were you and Carl talking about back there?”
Alicia scoffed and slid down the wall onto the floor. “I just didn’t think it wouldn’t hurt to get to know him a little is all.”
“Good,” Madison said. She smiled and Alicia saw that familiar glint in her eyes. “He is the leader’s son.”
“All the more reason then.”
Madison sat down next to Alicia and bumped her shoulder. “He’s probably only a few years younger than you.”
Alicia scoffed. “Mom. It’s not like last time. Like you said, he’s the leader’s son and I wanted to get to know him a little bit.”
“In that order?”
“Why does there have to be an order?” Alicia snapped. She let out a long breath. “It’s always just
both
.”
Nick crossed his fingers and placed them on top of his hair, shaking his head at them. “You two are ridiculous.”
“We still don’t know them. Any of them or this whole situation,” Madison said. “We have to keep our guards up. I don’t want to be stuck on the wrong side again.”
Nick frowned. “Can we just meet them first before you two start jumping to conclusions?”
“We’re not, Nick.” Madison said defensively. “But he clearly idolizes his dad. He may not see things the way we will.”
“I wouldn’t underestimate Carl.” Nick turned away from his mom.
“Or his group,” Alicia said. “From what he said, they’ve survived
everything
. They’re stronger than other groups we’ve met before.”
“What did he tell you about his group?” Madison asked.
“Not enough,” she said. “He’s smart.”
*************
The gate was slid open by Tara and Carl had barely walked through when he was pulled into a tight hug. She released him and immediately pushed his shoulder, which caused him to stumble backwards.
“Don’t scare me again!” She said. “I almost left to go find you like three times.”
“I’m sorry,” Carl said sheepishly. “Look, I need to talk to you. Is my dad back yet?”
Tara eyed him suspiciously. “I guess he didn’t send you out there to stock supplies?”
Carl glanced up the wall where Tobin was looking down at them curiously. He must have switched watch duty with the other guy. He had been gone a long time. Carl looked at Tara in front of him suddenly feeling a little guilty. She must have been up there all day waiting for him.
“Let’s go up there,” Carl said. “I’m going to tell Tobin I’m taking over his watch.”
Carl climbed up the latter with Tara following behind him. He pulled himself onto the platform and walked over to him.
“Hey Carl.” Tobin looked him up and down. “What were you doing out there? Why are you covered in blood?”
Carl looked down his shirt. He had forgotten how bad he must look right now. “I was just clearing the area of a few walkers.”
Tobin glanced at Tara and back at Carl. He really needed to get better at lying.
“Look, go get some rest.” Carl continued. He tried his best to give Tobin a convincing smile. “Tara said you’ve been doing great around here lately. I’ll take over your watch for you. You’ve earned it.”
“Are you sure?” Tobin asked. “I’m scheduled another two hours. Rick assigned me and-”
“Yeah, Tobin,” Tara cut in. “He’s just anxious to see his dad. You get it, right?”
“Uh, yes. Of course. Thanks, Carl.”
Tobin slid the gun strap off his shoulder and rested it against the fence wall. He nodded his head at each of them and climbed down the latter. When he was out of earshot Tara looked Carl over. He noticed how worried she looked and her eyes were glossy. Carl hoped she wasn’t going to cry.
“Carl, what’s going on?” She said. “You weren’t bit, right?”
“No!” Carl patted her shoulder awkwardly. “I’m okay. I promise. Where are the guards patrolling the wall?”
“I sent them to check out the southside of the fence.”
“Okay, good. Do you know where everyone else is?”
Tara furrowed her eyebrows and cocked her head to the side. “I don’t know. I think everyone here is probably inside right now…”
Carl sighed in relief. “I have a few people that I found out there. I’m going to bring them inside, but I need you to make sure no one sees anything.”
“People you
found?
Not gonna happen, dude. What if Rick finds out? We can’t trust random people!”
“Shhh.” Carl looked behind them to make sure no one was around. “Just trust me, okay. I’ll deal with my dad. I won’t tell him you knew anything about it.”
Tara put her hand on her hip and shook her head. Carl groaned.
“
Please
, Tara?” Carl was met with silence. “We both know what it’s like to be out there. They need help.”
Tara sighed and mumbled something under her breath. “Okay, fine. But get yourself cleaned up before your dad gets back.”
******
When Carl returned to the gate with the Clark family, Tara reluctantly opened it just enough for them to squeeze through. When Tara locked the gate and turned around, she found herself face to face with Alicia.
Alicia smiled. “Thank you for helping us.”
“This is Tara,” Carl said. Tara took a step back from Alicia and gave a slight wave of her hand.
Madison offered her hand to Tara and gave a firm squeeze. “I’m Madison. This is my daughter, Alicia.” Alicia waved. “And my son, Nick.”
They heard the sound of car engines closing in on the gate and Tara waved them off and motioned for Carl to leave.
“Follow me,” Carl whispered.
Carl led them behind a few houses and dug into his pocket for the set of keys his dad left him with. He opened the door and rushed Madison, Alicia, and Nick inside. Blocking the only exit in the room, Carl stood in front of the door.
“What the hell is this?” Madison asked.
She turned around from the jail cell that Morgan had built and glared at Carl.
“I need you guys to get inside it.” Carl looked down at his feet.
Alicia stepped forward until she was directly in front of Carl. “Are we prisoners now?”
Carl cleared his throat and squared his shoulders. “It’s just a precaution. If you do this, it will really help when I explain this to my group.”
Nick walked inside the cell and made himself at home. Madison waved him out but he just shrugged his shoulders. “If they’re going to trust us, we have to show a little trust back.”
“It won’t be long. I’ll be back with my dad. I’ll bring food and water.” Carl indicated Madison and Alicia to follow Nick. He was running out of time. He still had to get back home and clean change his clothes. He hoped his dad or Michonne would pick up Judy from Erik.
When they were all inside Carl slammed the door shut and locked it. He ran out the door and made his way to his house. After climbing up the stairs two at a time, he reached his room, breathing heavily, and grabbed any shirt he thought was clean. He snuck into the bathroom when he heard the front door shut from downstairs and the voices of his dad and Michonne quietly talking.