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“We all flirt with the tiniest notion, of self-conclusion in one simplified motion. You see the trick is that you’re never supposed to act on it. No matter how unbearable this misery gets.”
I stood at the edge of the rooftop, the freezing winter wind whipping my hair around my face. I had my arms wrapped tightly around the water tower’s support beam. I contemplated the distance from the roof to the street below. I was high enough up that I wouldn’t feel it when I hit the ground- I knew that.
I’d left my phone at home and told my sister I was visiting some friends in D.C. for the weekend. No one would miss me for a few days at least.
I took a deep breath, tears stinging in my eyes from the wind. Unwrapping my arms from the beam, I inched to the edge of the roof. My heart was pounding, but I couldn’t feel the sadness or hopelessness I should be feeling. I felt numb and not just from the frigid temperatures on the roof.
I moved closer to the edge, my toes dangling over. Taking a deep breath of icy air, I took a step.
Something yanked my sweater back and I stumbled back, falling into someone. They caught me in warm arms, saving my head from slamming onto the rooftop.
Steadying myself back on my feet, I turned around and looked at the person that stopped me. He was wearing a dark hoodie and a few chestnut curls escaped the ponytail his hair was in. His eyes were a clear blue-gray and looked murderously angry.
“What the fuck were you doing?” His voice was rough like he didn’t use it often. I frowned at his tone. What I was doing didn’t involve him.
“The fuck do you think?” I snapped back, my anger growing. “I wanted to die.”
“I can see that. I wanted to know why.” He sighed.
“Don’t worry about that. Don’t worry about me. You don’t even know me.” I took another step away from him and he stepped back toward me.
“Maybe I could change that?”
My eyebrows shot up in shock.
“What?”
“I said maybe I could change that?” He closed the gap between us, guiding me a little further away from the edge of the rooftop. “Let me help?”
“I don’t need your help.” I snapped, trying to step away from him. “I don’t want to be here anymore. They’re dead, okay? They’re all dead.”
“Just come with me. One night,” he offered.
“Why would I leave this rooftop with a stranger?” I questioned harshly, but my anger was ebbing away.
“Because you’d leave alive.” He sounded a little exasperated. “Someone made sure I did.”
That stopped me in my tracks. I stared into his blue-gray eyes.
“Yeah doll, I was staring off that rooftop too.”
“One night,” I relented quietly.
“That’s all I ask.” He shrugged. “It won’t be easy. It never is.”
I gave a brittle laugh. “Nothing has been.”
The emotions were coming back now and my hands started to shake as I realized just how close I had been to dying. I tried to bite back the tears, but they stung at my eyes regardless.
“Hey,” his voice was soft as he reached a hand out and I took it, letting him pull me closer. The closeness and hug made my breath catch and I couldn’t stop the tears that rolled down my cheeks.
“Hey, hey,” he murmured softly, using his thumb to wipe my tears away. “You’re going to be okay.”
I just shook my head, my throat too thick to speak.
“Come on, let’s get you inside.” He offered and I nodded silently, trying to get the sobs under control. It was warmer inside, but I stayed tucked against him as we headed downstairs and outside. “A motorcycle okay?”
“I’ve never ridden one.” I murmured. “It’s okay.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah. I’m sure.”I shrugged. “I’m Adalyn.”
“James.”
We walked out of the building. The street was dark and I could barely see the outline of his motorcycle leaning against the bike rack. He offered me a helmet. I took it, glancing at him.
“You don’t have one?”
“I don’t need one.” He promised. I nodded, sliding it over my head and settling behind James as he climbed on the bike.
“Hang onto me and sit still.” He told me.
“Okay,” I murmured, tightening my arms around him. He took off down the street and I clung to him. We whipped past streets and I squeezed my eyes closed. It wasn’t until we were in the parking garage of his building that I realized where we were. “What the fuck?”
“This is home.” He shrugged, parking his bike and standing carefully so he didn’t knock me off.
“I can’t-“ I stared at the logo on the door.
Stark Industries.
“Am I even allowed inside?”
“You’re with me.” He shrugged. “You are.”
“Ok-ay,”
“Welcome back Mr. Barnes.” A disembodied voice greeted us and I jumped. James put a hand on my waist, steadying me. I took another look at his face under the hallway lights.
Fuck me.
“James…. Barnes.” I breathed, staring at his face. He rolled his eyes, pulling the leather gloves off his hands and pushing up a sleeve to show me his metal arm. “Wow. Um hi? Thanks?”
“I think we might be past all of that.” He shrugged pulling his sleeve back down and leading me to an elevator. “JARVIS can you escort us to my floor? Private please.”
“Of course, Mr. Barnes. Should I inform Captain Rogers of your return?”
“Shit.” James cursed before he turned to me. “You don’t have to talk to him if you don’t want to. He was supposed to be gone a few more days.”
The elevator moved silently as I considered what he said. “Can I just have a minute to clean up first?”
“We can do that.” He murmured. “That won’t be necessary JARVIS. Thank you.”
The elevator doors opened to a well-loved living room with a television and sectional. I could hear a shower running inside a bedroom and my heart picked up as I recognized Captain America’s shield leaning against a chair.
“Hey,” James drew my attention back to him. “There’s a bathroom in the guest room. You can shower and I’ll find you some clothes? There’s towels and stuff like that in there already.”
“Okay,” I agreed, following him into the guest room. It was gorgeous, decorated in navy blues and grays. James opened the bathroom door, showing me inside.
“Get comfortable, Adalyn. I’ll leave the clothes on the bed, okay?”
“Thank you James.”
“Bucky,” he corrected gently and I nodded.
“Thank you Bucky.”
I nodded and Bucky left closing the door behind him. Taking a breath, I walked into the bathroom, closing the door. It was the same color scheme as the bedroom, shades of navy and gray. The shower was a huge walk-in and I sighed. Reaching in, I turned on the shower, adjusting the temperature before taking my clothes off and stepping inside.
The hot water felt amazing and I closed my eyes, letting it wash over me. That when was when everything truly hit me. I had tried to kill myself. I’d be dead splattered on the pavement if Bucky hadn’t been on that rooftop. Then after all of that, I had gone *home* with him, even though I barely knew him.
Honestly, anything but standing on that rooftop was the best option for me at that point.
I didn’t realize how hard I was shaking until I reached for the body wash and it slipped straight through my fingers. Stepping back, I sank onto the tile bench built into the shower. It was like my chest was too tight. A single tear turned into several that turned into chest-squeezing sobs. I felt like I couldn’t even breathe. I have no idea how long I cried, but I felt mind-numbingly tired once I had truly cried myself out.
I sat for a moment longer, my brain still stuck on the fact that I’d managed to pick the same rooftop as James “Bucky” Barnes. What were the odds? We’d studied Captain America in school; who hadn’t? I still remember when we found out that he’d been found alive somehow. And with every chapter on Captain Rogers, they always talked about Bucky Barnes.
2014 had been a year of shock, from the public finding out about the traitors in SHIELD to the discovery of James being the Winter Soldier. It had taken a lot of courts, and red tape, and things I knew we weren’t privy to before he was declared innocent of the crimes HYDRA made him commit. However, there was one thing I knew. I was sure he was one of the only people whose feelings of guilt could put mine to shame.
I couldn’t believe that now I was showering in his and Captain America’s shared apartment.
Standing on slightly wobbly legs, I finished washing myself off and quickly washed my hair before
stepping out of the shower and wrapping a towel around my body. Peaking around the corner into the bedroom, I saw that the door was shut and there were clothes sitting, folded neatly on the bed. Drying myself quickly, I pulled on the underwear, yoga pants, and t-shirt. Bucky must have asked one of the other women for an extra change of clothes.
I was grateful that someone had thought to put a hair dryer in the cabinet under the bathroom sink.
Pepper Potts
my mind supplied. I figured Tony Stark’s wife would have taken care of all the details. We all knew she keep Stark Industries running day to day.
When my hair was nearly dry, I twisted it into a bun and took a deep breath. As I reached for the doorknob, I heard Captain Rogers’ voice.
“What were you even doing up there Buck?” His voice made my chest tight. “I thought-“
“You didn’t have to come home early for me, Stevie. I’m fine.” I heard James insist.
I didn’t need to intrude on that. I glanced at the bed. I was exhausted and closing my eyes for a few minutes would be alright.
Laying on the bed, I closed my eyes, promising myself it would only be a few minutes.
********************************************************************************
“Is she okay?” The voice sounded far away and I was trying to make sense of it.
“She seemed distressed in her sleep and then started displaying signs of having a panic attack. Her heart and breathing rate spiked.” That voice I recognized as JARVIS from our elevator ride earlier and I forced my eyes to open. Bucky was kneeling next to the bed, holding my hand and Captain Rogers was standing not too far behind him.
My chest felt like I had run a marathon, and I recognized the signs of a panic attack. It has been a while since I had had one so I was overdue.
“How are you feeling, Adalyn?” Bucky asked quietly. He was frowning and I hated that. I took a shaky breath to steady myself, shuffling around in the bed to sit up. He let go of my hand as I swung my legs to touch the floor.
“I’m okay.” I promised him. “My chest hurts, but that’s normal for having nightmares like that. It’ll be okay.”
“Sorry we barged in like that.” He apologized. “This is Steve. Steve, this is Adalyn.”
“Sorry to interrupt, but someone has called the police requesting a missing persons report to be filed for Adalyn Tillman.” JARVIS interrupted from the ceiling.
My blood ran cold. The best-case scenario was that my sister, Allison, had called and reported me missing. The worst-case scenario was the problem. I didn’t even realize my face had gotten pale until Bucky took my hand again.
“Adalyn?”
“Who-“ My voice came out as a croak and I took a breath trying to calm down. “Who called it in?”
“An Allison Tillman.” JARVIS promptly answered me. I felt the weight fall off my shoulders, if only for a moment.
“That’s my sister,” I told the two of them. “I need to call her? She’s not going to believe me, even when I tell the truth.”
“Tell her to come here.” Steve’s voice cut through my worried ramblings. “It’s late now, but tell her to meet you here in the morning and explain.”
“Are you sure, I don’t want to take advantage of you?”
“Adalyn.” Steve was suddenly handing me a Stark Phone. “Call her. It’s fine.”
Mouth dry, I typed my sister’s number. The phone rang twice before I heard her worried and tired voice.
“Hello?”
“Ally, It’s me.” I started.
“Goddamn Adalyn. What the fuck?!” Allison snapped before she took a deep breath. “Where are you?”
“I know it sounds crazy, but Stark Tower.” I sighed. “You can come in the morning-
“Fuck no, Adalyn. I’m coming now.” Allison cut me off. “It’s not that far- I’ll see you in an hour.”
I sighed heavily at the dial tone before glancing up at Steve and Bucky.
“I’m sorry. She insisted?”
“It’s fine Adalyn,” Bucky insisted. “We’ll give you a minute and meet you in the kitchen? You want something to eat?”
“I could eat.” I admitted. “Thank you.”
Twenty minutes later, we were sitting in the common area on the Avengers floor. Steve was making sandwiches with the leftovers from the refrigerator and I sat at the table quietly.
“You want something to drink?” Bucky asked me.
“You have any tequila?” I asked, half-joking.
“I have tea.” Bucky offered. “Or hot chocolate.”
“Hot chocolate sounds wonderful.” I admitted. “Probably shouldn’t be drinking right now.”
“Probably shouldn’t.”
I watched quietly from my seat at the table as the two of them moved. Bucky and Steve were so comfortable with each other around the kitchen, they didn’t run into each other even once.
Soon I had a ham and cheese sandwich sitting in front of me and a mug of hot chocolate that looked delicious.
I took a careful sip.
“Holy shit this is amazing.” I gave Bucky a soft smile. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome doll.” He smiled back at me. “Stevie made it for me like every night when I first came back.”
“Steve made this?” I blinked in surprise.
“I can cook,” Steve teased. I nodded, before starting to eat the sandwich on my plate.
I was halfway done when JARVIS cut in from the ceiling.
“Excuse me, Ms. Tillman has arrived.”
My stomach felt like lead suddenly and I took a deep breath to calm down.
“You ready?” Bucky asked, meeting my eyes.
“Send her up,” I told him even as I shook my head to answer his question. He squeezed my shoulder.
“Stevie and I will clean the kitchen- you can talk in the living room.”
I followed him to the giant sectional and took a seat, tapping my fingers on my leg impatiently. The whoosh of the doors was all the warning I had that Steve was at the door letting Allison inside.
“Adalyn,” she rushed to me and I stood, letting her crush me in a hug. Her dark hair was thrown into a ponytail and I could see the dark circles under her blue eyes. “What the fuck, Addie? Where were you?”
The truth, the truth, the truth
, I reminded myself.
“On a rooftop in Brooklyn.” I admitted quietly.
“On a-,” Allison cut herself off, her voice dropping to a deadly quiet tone. “You were
where,
Adalyn? What the absolute fuck?!”
“On a rooftop in Brooklyn,” I repeated, forcing myself to keep talking. “I was going to jump, Allison.”
As the words left my mouth, I could feel the sharp stinging of tears in my eyes.
“Adalyn-“ Her voice broke on my name as she pulled me back into her arms. I could feel her shoulders
shaking. “you told me you were taking your medicine. You told me you were getting better. You promised me, Adalyn.” Allison’s voice had steadily been getting louder. “You promised me you were okay! You told me you weren’t feeling that way anymore!”
“It doesn’t just stop Allison!” I snapped, my voice rising to match hers. “And I told you and Dr. Martin, I fucking hate that medicine. It makes me feel like a zombie.”
“I don’t care as long you don’t feel like dying Adalyn.” She snapped back.
“I do care! You should care.” I could feel my frustration mounting as we started the same familiar argument again. “You should care about my feelings and how I’m feeling. I won’t be a mindless shell of a person again.”
“I think you need to go back to the hospital, Addie.” Allison sighed, pulling back to look at me.
“No!” I pulled away from her then, stepping back so fast I stumbled into the sectional and reached out to grab the armrest. Steadying myself, I stood back up. I hated that facility. They had given me so much medication that I felt like a zombie. Allison, I felt, preferred me that way.
“If you’re not getting better, you need to go back.” Allison’s voice was softer then, and I could tell she was trying to reason with me. I could feel my heart start to race as I began to panic.
“I am not going back there.” I could hear my voice rising. I knew what would happen to me if I went back there. I would become a heavily medicated shell of myself, or I’d find a way out and when I got back on that rooftop, no one would be able to stop me.
“Not to eavesdrop, but she can stay here.” Steve offered. The two of us stopped, turning to look at him. He had his hands up in a peace gesture and stepped closer as we looked at him.
“She would be our guest, mine and Bucky’s. Tony would let her live here for free. JARVIS can be our eyes when we’re gone, and my best friend is a VA psychiatrist. He lives here most of the year and she can talk with him anytime.” Steve outlined, glancing at Bucky and Bucky nodded in agreement.
“Fine.” Allison answered in a flat tone that clued me in that this argument wasn’t over yet. “It’s late. Are you staying here or coming home with me.”
“I-” I glanced at Bucky and Steve. “I’ll come home with you and drive my car back in the morning.
“Sure,” Allison sighed. “I’ll give you a minute. Meet me in the garage.”