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“Names are powerful.” Joseph had said one day while he ran his fingers in your hair, taking his time to massage the scalp and watch you lean close to his touch.
‘
Then I must be weak
.’ You thought, blinking your tired eyes like you were going to fall asleep at any moment.
Your name wasn't important anymore, sometimes it was even difficult recalling it. The memory of it was painful, all the people who knew it were dead, you liked it before but now it held no meaning. Rook and Deputy were fine now, they were all the names you needed.
Joseph never asked about it, no, maybe he knew it, knowing him, but he didn't say anything. He called you his “child”, his “family”, he never tried to give you another name and for that you were grateful.
Sleeping had become such a painful act, you couldn't stop the nightmares to come, the screams, the fire, it was all too much for you and the only place where you could hide was Joseph’s body, who always welcomed you and never turned you away, even if you were a sinner, even if you had taken everything away from him.
Sometimes you broke down and cried, you didn't know what exactly made you feel like that, maybe the loss of your loved ones, maybe the knowledge that everything could have been avoided if you only had discarded your pride, yet Joseph was always there, holding you close, whispering prayers in your ear and kissing your forehead kindly, forgiving even the smallest sin you had committed.
Your mind wavered, you couldn't hold your sanity together for longer, you felt sparks of insanity starting to creep in your head and Joseph did nothing to stop them. This was what he wanted, for you to let go of everything, to fall in an abyss so deep you couldn't get out.
It was in one of those moments, where your mind was gone and you could only grasp Joseph’s arm in support, that you asked him to carve in your skin the word
pride
, you needed to remember your sin, you wanted to be able to always see it. And Joseph had agreed, happy that you were finally understand, so he took out his knife (or better, Dutch’s) and cut the flesh of your forearm precisely, murmuring prayers under his breath, for God to forgive you. You didn’t fight like you did with John, you let that happen, since there was no place in the world where you could run to.
The badges on your arm lasted for weeks, Joseph changed them frequently to make sure it wouldn’t get infected. You would never say it aloud (not yet, anyway), but you craved those moments, where Joseph was tender with you, caressing your skin with soft touches. He didn’t speak, he preferred focusing on his task. You were glad for the silence, but at the same time it was unbearable.
More often than not, you snuggled up to Joseph when your mind was particularly clouded by your growing insanity, asking him to tell you any passage of the bible, the one he liked the most. And, oh, he would talk and talk until his voice was hoarse and you would listen until your mind was filled only by his voice.
There was no need for handcuffs anymore, it wasn’t like you could escape and you couldn’t take your life either, you had tried when you were making dinner one day, but before the knife could even pierce your skin you started to sob and fell on your knees. Even after everything that has happened, everything you had to suffer, you were afraid of dying.
Joseph held you like you were a lost child, his arms were so warm and his scent was so comforting, you grasped his body with all the strength you had left. He was the only person you had left, your only
family
.
That night you made love for the first time, strangely enough you were the one to initiate it, after you took him by surprise when you suddenly kissed him, you whispered between tears that he could carve
lust
in your skin if he wanted after this, but you needed to have the proof you and him were alive. Joseph allowed it, he understood your needs and let you ride him until you were satisfied, touching and kissing your skin tenderly. He gave you the warmth you needed, assuring you he would always stay with you. You found it oddly comforting.
After that, you began to talk more, about your past, about your sins, Joseph listened and forgave everything, you felt naked under his eyes but a part of you was glad you didn’t have to hide anymore, it was like a weight had been lifted from your shoulders.
You often found yourself tracing the scars on his body, all the seven sins that scared his skin. You must be mad, but you thought they were beautiful. Maybe it was then you realised your sanity had gone completely, but then you found you didn’t care. It was alright, like Joseph said, to let go of the useless things.
“You were just a little lamb that needed to be saved… and now you’re free.” Joseph gave you a smile, he was proud of you and you felt your heart swell in your chest. You hugged him tightly, feeling your lips curling up too before your body was overwhelmed by the worry of not being enough for him.
“Is it okay for a sinner like me to have this happiness? Even if I don’t have a name anymore?” You asked, your limbs trembling and your voice sounded so small compared to his.
Joseph stayed silent for a moment that seemed to last hours before he spoke to you again. “It’s alright, I’ll walk you to the right path, God is always watching and he’s proud of what you’re doing… and for your name, when the time is right, I’ll give you a new one, one that will make
him
proud.”
You nodded absently, it’s not like you care about God, but you wanted to make Joseph proud of you, proud of the person you were becoming.
You smiled and let him hold you even closer. This, for you, was enough.