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"What a difference...a day makes," suggests Dinah Washington, shyly sultry, and that is not the official morning alarm of James T. Kirk.
Jim flails his hand out from under the covers - he can’t be sure what day it is, but it might be Tuesday which means his alarm should be "Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones, and this is so far from the Stones it might not even be the same universe.
His hand knocks against various detritus on his bedside table before it lands on the offending device (not that Ms. Washington is offensive, but it’s the principle of the thing) happily reminding him that there are now sun and flowers where there used to be rain.
"This isn’t mine," he says, because Jim Kirk talks to himself and anyone who doesn’t talk to themselves is a crazy person and a liar.
"No," comes a rumble from behind him, "It’s mine."
And as Dinah Washington suggests that "today I’m a part of you, dear," Bones’ arm slides across his waist. Jim just about melts into a pile of pleased -but manly- mush, because honestly, who wouldn’t? Bones in the morning is first class awesome.
"If you even try to tell me you don’t remember-" Bones’ voice is husky and warm, wet and wanting next to his ear, and this is possibly the greatest morning of Jim’s life. "-You don’t even want to know the things I’ll do to you."
"Are you sure about that?"
Because here’s the thing: Jim does remember. He remembers all of it. He actually mentally categorizes his nights (and afternoons) spent with Bones as things like "times and places we nearly had sex" or "great faces Bones has made," but neither of them has ever stayed until the morning before. It was kind of a mutual agreement thing that neither of them should risk the hallways of shame, or that maybe they were both too unsure of the thing that had happened between them, even though as far as everyone else was concerned (because hallways of shame or not, someone was always watching on the Enterprise) it was a long time in coming.
Whatever it was or is or will be, Bones stayed the night, and that makes Jim feel warm and alive and fluttery and he feels the word "boyfriend" hovering just beyond the room. He’s not ready to let it in yet, but the surgical precision of the hands on his hips and against his ass are enough to consider asking it to come back later and talk it all over.
"Sure about...shit, Jim, I just woke up, don’t play your word games with me."
Jim laughs and turns around, pressing his groin into Bones’ and grinning.
"Are you sure I don’t want to know the things you’ll do to me? Because I’m pretty sure I do want to know. I think I want to know really badly."
"I swear to god, Jim, I fucked you twice last night and it can’t have been more than five hours ago. Are you telling me you want to do it again? Remember you have an away mission today."
Jim so enjoys these chats Bones has at rather than with him, the way they make the throat he’s nuzzling vibrate and undulate and they produce the little gasps that punctuate his words when Jim sucks at the skin just so.
"You always set your alarms early, we have plenty of time." He scrapes his short nails up Bones’ back. "Come on, my day started out awesome so far, don’t you want to make it even better? Because then I'll be in tip-top form, the best captain the...whoever, whatever we’re meeting today has ever seen."
"Maybe you should actually read your mission brief," Bones suggests, even as he's reaching for wherever the lube landed last night. "Just so they don’t think you’re a total fucking punk."
"You know how I roll, I speed-read the briefs before I hit the bridge and rock the missions anyway. Besides, Bones, the magic word right now is ‘fucking.’ and you just said it." Jim places a finger on his best friend’s soft lower lip and then covers it with his mouth.
-
One year, three months, and twenty-four days into the second mission of the USS Enterprise, Captain James T. Kirk and Dr. Leonard H. "Bones" McCoy, MD, PhD, SFO, XYZ and whatever other acronyms he’s collected (or that Jim has personally imbued him with) are lying in a post-sex haze, Jim half asleep already, when Bones’s alarm goes off again.
This time, it’s Billie Holiday with "Georgia On My Mind," and Jim wakes up just enough to snort muzzily, "How predictable. But you seriously still set two alarms?"
"Some of us actually place some merit in being punctual," Bones’ voice is long-suffering but warm, but the space he leaves as he gets out of bed cools rapidly.
"Mmrgh, plenty of time. See, my alarm hasn’t even gone off yet." Jim eyes Bones’ naked back and tries to silently will him back under the covers.
"Yeah, but when it does, you’ll hit snooze half a dozen times until you have five minutes, then fall out of bed, brush your teeth in the shower and come to the bridge with your wet-shirt half stuck to your back."
Jim sits up and stretches, yawns noisily.
"Wow, Bones, it’s like you know me."
"That’s how you went to class every day, I can’t imagine anything has changed. Oh wait, I don’t have to imagine, because I’ve seen it in action on this very ship." Bones is tugging on his day-old clothes. "Regardless, I need a shower, and to do my job."
Jim sits in bed and leers at Bones until his friend flips him off, pushes his hair into what Jim calls "its customary shelf" above his forehead, and heads for the door.
"Bones," Jim calls, and he stops and turns.
"Yeah?"
"Don’t I at least get a goodbye kiss?"
"Jim-"
"What about one for good luck?" Jim slides out of bed and yanks on a pair of boxers from the floor, sauntering over and leaning against the door. "Until I see you tonight?"
"You’ll get a kiss for not fucking up when you make it home safely tonight, all right?"
Jim pouts, and Bones presses the door open, which sends him flailing slightly before he rights himself.
"Ugh, fine, go be all efficient and horrible."
"Have a good mission, Jim." Bones hazards a smile and a wave as he goes down the hall.
Jim looks left and right, establishes that no one has seen them, and then heads back to bed to catch a little more sleep before his own alarm tells him it’s actually a reasonable time to maybe consider getting up. He snuggles back into the covers, drags Bones’ pillow into his arms, and is just settling down when he’s told, loudly and repeatedly, "DON’T FEAR THE REAPER."
Ah, so it’s Wednesday, not Tuesday.
Jim hits the snooze, mentally promising himself he’ll only hit it four times today, and cuddles with the pillow just a little longer.
-
Jim loves his ship, and he loves his crew. He hasn’t loved every single day of the mission so far as it hasn’t all been a rose garden or even a half-decent greenhouse, but it makes him happy. It makes him feel fulfilled in a way nothing else in his life ever had before. It gives him purpose and meaning and a sense of belonging.
A master of the three-minute shower and simultaneous tooth-brushing, Jim is more than ready when Spock presses his doorchime.
"Good morning, Spock!" he claps the Vulcan on the back cheerily, and receives the regular, stilted, "Good morning, Captain," in response. It’s a comforting pre-mission ritual for both of them, or so he likes to think.
He knows his step is bouncy as they walk down to the transporter room to meet the away team, but Jim has never been subtle about his mornings-after and this particular one had been pretty special.
"Am I to deduce that favorable instances occurred with Dr. McCoy last night?" Spock asks, almost out of nowhere. It isn't really out of nowhere, because Spock is as perceptive as he is inscrutable and brilliant, and Jim himself had, in moments of candor, told Spock some details about his relationship with Bones. If Spock hadn’t wanted to know these things, Jim couldn’t really have cared less.
"Why Spock, are you taking an active interest in my sex life? I’m so touched, I think this is a huge step in our relationship! I’m going to mark the date and get you a card every year."
Spock doesn’t sigh, but he looks like he might be considering sighing.
"I assure you, Captain, that won’t be necessary. I was merely noticing that your mood is 8.7 percent more positive than usual, and although this has been a trend for recent weeks, I have observed that you tend toward these states after engaging in sexual intercourse."
"My favorite part," Jim says as he presents the transport buttons, "Is how romantic you make it sound."
Spock really does seem to blush at that, which makes him look like he’s about to be sick.
"There is also the rather glaring mark on your neck, in the precise pattern of Dr. McCoy’s dental structure."
Jim blanches, and reaches up to touch his neck. How did he miss that in the mirror? And how does Spock know what Bones’ teeth marks even look like?
"How do you even know what Bones’ teeth marks look like?"
"It was an educated guess that you have just confirmed for me, Captain." Spock looks a little lost, a little long-suffering, almost a little embarrassed (or jealous?). "Nevertheless, Ensign Markay from Medical will be with us, and I believe she will have a transportable regenerator so that you may appear somewhat presentable when you mean the Cavian Ambassadors."
Jim blinks at him, then grins as they step out of the transport.
"What I love about you is how you have an answer for everything."
"I will speak to her discreetly."
They turn out not to be the first to arrive - Sulu is already waiting, sitting on the steps of the transporter pad, comm in hand, texting away.
"Lieutenant Sulu," Spock intones.
"Sir," Sulu stands up quickly, and tucking the comm away with a badly feigned casualness. "I was just checking up on Chekov, he was still asleep when I left the room-"
"At ease, Sulu." Jim smiles easily, and pats him on the shoulder, feeling the tension there immediately lessen. "You know it’s no big deal. Come on, let’s sit."
Jim plunks himself down on the stairs, and Sulu joins him. Spock walks over to talk to the transporter techs and confirm the beaming coordinates. It’s comfortable and easy. Jim feels like he should apologize for canceling their last two "bro-dates" (a term Sulu hates) because of un-specific Bones-related goings-on. But it’s much easier to try to tease Sulu instead.
"Chekov was still asleep?" Jim asks quietly, and Sulu shifts easily from subordinate to friend.
"I dunno, I think he was up late talking with this girl in engineering that he’s been flirting with for a while. Ensign Norrz or something like that. They don’t actually hang out in person, just text each other constantly, it’s kind of funny. It reminds me of Akiko."
Jim smiles at the mention of Sulu’s younger sister. He can clearly picture her from the time he spent with the Sulus at their house in Lake Tahoe shortly before the mission began. It hadn’t been the easiest trip in Jim’s life, requiring a lot of patience and perhaps a kind of emotional truce between them before they'd made actual advances in their friendship, but the after effects have been pretty great. Sulu, although often difficult to parse and (Jim thinks) intentionally difficult to understand, is a valuable and entertaining friend.
"They’re the same age, aren’t they? Maybe you should try to hook them up. That would be so cute."
Sulu makes a face.
"I wouldn’t want to do that to either of them. Or myself."
"Ooh, do you have designs on the ensign navigator, Sulu? Saving him all for your own?"
Sulu makes a move to push him, notices Spock looking at them, then doesn’t actually touch him. Jim is somewhat disappointed - Sulu is generally very reserved . It has always pleased Jim to be able to get a rise, or even any sort of reaction, out of him. His friendship with Sulu is so much harder won than Jim expected it to be, and it matters a great deal to him that Sulu be able to act openly with him. Leave it to Spock to be a total buzzkill.
"Well there was this one night, recently," Sulu drops his voice to be subtle even though Spock has already returned to talking with the techs, "When we were on Gamma shift and the bridge was quiet and we were just looking at the stars and it was so peaceful-"
"Yeah?"
"And then he reached over towards me-"
"Shit! Yeah?"
"And then he stole my fucking bag of chips and I kicked him in the goddamn shin." Sulu glares at Jim. "We’re not dating and we never will be, so stop trying to set us up, creepy Captain Loveshack."
Jim laughs, loudly enough to draw Spock’s gaze again and startle the other crew members who had just entered the room.
"The enjoyment I get out of it never gets old, Sulu." Jim touches his shoulder again not for any real reason but just because he can, and stands up to greet the arriving crew members and duck into the hall with Spock and Ensign Markay so she can affix the mark on his neck before they beam down.
The regenerator makes his skin tingle, and Jim glances back into the room to see Sulu stand up as Chekov comes in, no doubt relating his conversation with Jim. Chekov makes a face and gestures to his shin, and Jim wishes he’d been there to see the altercation because the two of them together? Hilarious. It makes him feel a little wistful, actually, reminding him of how he and Bones had been before they realized that there was more to their world than just the penetrating friendship and progressed into actual penetration. Sulu deserves someone like that, Jim thinks, someone special who plays off him and gets him, and wouldn’t it be nice if that person were his best friend?
But, Jim thinks wistfully, Sulu never mentioned ever being attracted to any guys to him. Not that they’re terribly close, but there is something between them - they’ve been "buddies," as it were, ever since Tahoe. They see each other on the bridge every day, they try to hang out and have drinks once a week or once every two weeks, and Sulu is one of his favorite people to have on an away team. While they wander across new worlds, they still talk and learn things about each other. A lot of their explorations end up reminding him of that hike they took around the lake where they first started to understand each other. After Bones and Spock, Jim feels that Sulu is probably third on his list of pseudo-confidants, though that may not be saying much.
"Captain," Spock says, breaking him out of his reverie, "I believe the team is ready."
"Right on," Jim nods and bounds up to his spot on the pad, Spock on the left and Sulu on the right, the rest of the team randomly assembled behind them. "Energize."
-
Ino, the capital of Cavia III, looks like it was designed by someone with no color sense whatsoever. Much of the area resembles a forest on earth, but with giant electric orange vines hanging out of nowhere. The sign of the building where they arrive declares it to be the "Cavian Receptionary Embassy." Jim wonders how functional their understanding of Terran is here. Inside, it's a disaster of different patterns, with the tiles switching from bold, seemingly tribal themes to checkerboards, and in one corner, Jim could actually swear the design is soccer balls.
"I kind of wish I was color blind," Jim hears Sulu mutter to Chekov behind him, and Jim bites his lip not to laugh.
Ambassador Nibivia is a lovely pale, blue-skinned woman with long, auburn hair, and a kind of...frill or ridge around her neck. It reminds Jim a little of the old earth animal the axolotl, or maybe one of those spitting dinosaurs like in "Jurassic Park" (which will never not be an awesome movie because dinosaurs). But he does his best not to mention it, or anything like that.
The meeting is formal, but short; the Cavians are more than happy to join the Federation with a number of agricultural products they’d like to offer up on the trade market. There’s a small luncheon, consisting mainly of local (and already Bones-approved) greens, during which Jim and Spock discuss trade terms in greater depth, and afterwards the Ambassador invites the away team to explore the Embassy grounds before returning in the evening for a kind of acceptance ceremony.
Jim leaves Spock continuing to talk with the Ambassador (about the decor and architecture, of all things, which Spock apparently doesn’t find awful), and wanders off on a marked trail past gorgeous blooms of magnolia-like trees with totally random-seeming bursts of something like hay planted between them. He shakes his head and wonders again who had what in mind for this planet, but mostly his thoughts are still with Bones.
Bones Bones Bones.
Jim doesn’t consider himself a romantic in any capacity, but waking up with Bones this morning was certainly awesome. It feels right, it feels...normal. Bones has been his constant for more years now than anyone else, it just makes sense that their connection would finally reach even deeper the longer they’re together. Only Jim isn’t sure if he’s really ready to be totally together-together, or if Bones is either. There are still steps to be taken, discussions to be had, and when he thinks about it... okay, it dampens the enjoyment a little. The sex is fantastic, the banter fantastic, Bones fantastic...but there’s a threshold still to be crossed, and Jim isn’t sure he’s ready to deal with that just yet.
He glances off to the side and sees Sulu and Chekov wandering down another path, and thinks again about Tahoe and hiking, about Sulu finding someone special, and he lets himself casually ogle the way his helmsman handles himself when he’s most comfortable. He moves so effortlessly, and it’s attracted Jim’s attention and fantasies more times than he can ever admit - Sulu was shower-wank fodder for a good two weeks after their trip, but by then Jim had been back with Bones and seeing the world through his Bones-colored glasses...
Sulu laughs at something Chekov says, and for some reason, it makes Jim rather jealous. It’s so hard to make Sulu laugh, genuinely and without holding back, and Jim has never mastered the skill, even when they’ve both been terribly drunk or working a very long shift on the bridge together.
Or maybe he just wishes he was exploring with his own best friend. Maybe it’s as simple as that.
Jim sighs and looks up at the nearest tree. It really does remind him of a magnolia, and he wonders if he should bring back one of the blossoms for Bones. Granted, he’ll probably get in trouble for touching an unknown plant on a suspicious planet, but he has the feeling Bones would appreciate the gesture, if begrudgingly. He could learn to be a romantic, maybe. With practice.
But if I’m getting one, I might as well get two, he thinks. The other one will be for Sulu, because if anyone digs alien flora, it’s him, and Jim is thinking about him too much for some reason. But he hadcalled off those last hang-outs to be with Bones, so it’s probably just a guilty conscience talking.
He reaches up and his fingers brush the curve of the pinkish petals, just barely, just so close, almost not even a touch.
And then it feels like his knees are nauseous, like they’re tearing up and queasing and his head is a mess of all the colors that Cavia III can’t keep straight, can’t organize, and shit it really hurts; then all the colors and things suddenly stop being colorful and Jim feels himself falling in what seems like slow motion.
"Oh dear," says Ambassador Nibivia, suddenly there and overhead and painfully concerned, "I really wish you hadn’t done that."
Jim blacks the hell out.
-
Jim wakes up..somewhere. He’s not sure where. He’s not even sure if he’s really what qualifies as awake, either, because everything looks kind of muddy in a shimmery way. Or shimmery in a muddy way. Whatever it is, it’s unpleasant, but not as unpleasant as he felt before, and-
"Jim. Stop talking."
That’s Bones! Bones is here, everything is going to be fine, because Bones will fix him, and now there is a hand over his mouth.
"Jim. Stop narrating yourself."
The Ambassador is standing slightly behind him with Spock, looking dismayed and wringing her hands. Bones follows Jim’s look, then glances back at him, and Jim nods. Bones removes his hand.
"This actually is the worst thing you’ve ever done." Bones says, stepping back and folding his arms across his chest.
"Oh come on, Bones," Jim sits up and now he can see that he’s in some back room of the Embassy; it feels like he’s trying to tug himself out of quicksand, but he makes it, "You say that so much it’s lost all meaning."
"I don’t mean in terms of the mission, you incorrigible troll-child, I mean in terms of your personal situation."
"Illuminate things for me, then, Bones, it’s very dark under my bridge."
"If it is acceptable," Spock steps forward. "I believe we should let the Ambassador explain what occurred."
The Ambassador is looking at him like she’s about to tell him all the dogs he has ever owned and will ever own were just hit by the same car, and Jim suddenly feels a kind of pull in his stomach - a tension, a tug, a fizzy...burning.
And that’s when he notices that Sulu is lying on a bed next to him, no less than three feet away, clearly unconscious.
"Hik-Sulu? What the hell happened?!"
"I...Captain Kirk, I’m so sorry." the Ambassador's frills are drooping. "But the tree you touched is kind of a special...ceremonial tree for us here on Cavia. It’s a bonding tree that we use when we choose or are assigned lifemates."
She pauses, maybe for dramatic effect, and Jim can feel himself clenching his jaw, speaking through gritted teeth: "Go on."
"We’re wired so that the tree -it’s called a Chutuub, by the way-"
"Chew tube?!"
"Chutuub! Chu- that’s not even the point, Captain, the point is that we Cavians are genetically used to the nature of the bond it creates, so we easily adapt to our partner’s lifesigns and can maintain distance, and live as separate beings most of the time."
The light of where this may be going is starting to break over Jim, and he really would rather that it stay dark.
"But when it comes to humans...the Chutuub kind of fucks shit up."
Everyone stops and stares at her. The Ambassador looks down at her universal translator with wide eyes, then smacks it.
"Ahem, I’m sorry, these...they short out sometimes. In any case, what I meant to say, is that the effect of the Chutuub on humans is rather upsettingly dramatic."
"Will you just tell me what’s going on?. And what happened to Sulu?"
The Ambassador looks at Bones and Spock pleadingly. Bones scowls even more darkly, folds his arms even more tightly.
"From what we’ve learned, basically the tree’s sap is unraveling your DNA."
Jim blanches. Then he laughs. Then he stops laughing.
"That can really happen?"
"Yeah, and apparently it’s happened before. The Ambassador just didn’t provide enough warning for you or any of the crew about what you might encounter-"
"So wait, it’s unraveling RIGHT NOW? Like, while we’re talking?" Jim feels his hands go cold. "Am I going to die, Bones?!"
"No." And Bones sounds oddly upset. It makes him wonder what kind of stabilizing force would have made Bones more upset than Jim being near death.
"....well?!"
"When this happened before," said the Ambassador, "We found that the best solution was to locate the person closest to you and use their DNA to stabilize yours."
"The person closest to me?"
The Ambassador nods.
Jim looks at Sulu’s prone body. Sulu seems pale, too pale. In fact everything seems pale, and Jim wonders if he’s on the verge of passing out again.
"Sulu?!"
She nods again.
"But he’s not....the person closest to me is Bones!"
The Ambassador shrugs. She actually shrugs.
"We needed to act quickly. He was our only option."
"Who did you ask if Sulu...wait, do you mean ‘closest’ as in emotionally or proximity? Is this a translator thing again? It’s gotta be a translator thing because-"
And then Sulu wakes up.
"Nnugngh?" he says helpfully, and puts a hand to his head. "What the hell happened?"
He sits up too, slowly, rubbing at his eyes, and then notices the silent spectators.
"Uh, what is everyone..." he turns, looking at Jim, and Jim looks back at him. At his pilot, at his friend - apparently the person who is closest to him and whose DNA he now shares- and-
"I think I’m gonna be sick," says Sulu.
"Yeah," Jim croaks, "Me too."

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

The first problem is distance.This becomes clear as they stand apart to be beamed back aboard and "do some fucking tests on this goddamn bullshit." Bones is still adamant that this is, in actuality, the worst thing Jim has ever done, at least to himself, but Jim suspects he means it on a larger level too.But as soon as Sulu makes it about six or so feet away, Jim feels that same horrible queasiness, the nausea, this terrible aching in his chest and that's when the Ambassador chimes in with another helpful factoid about human reactions to the Chutuub: being DNA-stabilized with another person severely limits how far apart the two can be from each other. As in, there is a very specific distance that can be attained before an extreme bio-feedback reaction results. The distance is, as it turns out, minimal. It’s five goddamn feet.Jim can’t really blame Sulu for not wanting to stand right next to him, although he thinks that the horrified confusion with which the helmsman regards him is a little unwarranted. It wasn’t like he asked for this to happen, or for Sulu to be "the closest person to him," which HAD to be semantics, closest in distance, etcetera. He certainly doesn’t deserve the kind of snarkish moodiness that he’d thought he and Sulu had long gotten over; it’s like their first day in Tahoe all over again, when Sulu had practically sulked Jim into leaving a week early.This leads to the second problem, namely that the logistics of what what needs to be done until everything can be sorted out, only makes Sulu even more unbearably dour and Jim can’t actually get away from him.Sulu slumps in a chair in Bones’ office in sickbay, scowling at the shelves while Jim tries to sort out with Spock what this will mean for the bridge at the very least. It would be nice if Sulu would offer any help at all, but he just sits, sour and immobile."It will be necessary to put you both on temporary leave," says Spock, scanning a PADD filled with Starfleet protocol in tiny print. "There is no way you will be able to adequately maintain your positions in your current condition.""What?" Jim tears himself away from glaring darkly at Sulu and leans toward Spock; there’s a slight tug, a magical new sensation he doesn’t like one bit. "That’s not... Look, as difficult is this is, there’s no reason to think that both of us aren’t perfectly capable of-""Your capability is not in question," Spock’s tone seems to indicate that their capability definitely is in question, but he doesn’t want to say so explicitly, "But there is the simple fact that more than five feet separate the captain and pilot’s chairs. You cannot maintain that distance."Jim considers his mental map of the bridge and swears out loud. Fuck, there’s no way he can stand right behind Sulu, and vice versa, and right now Sulu behind him and irritated is a really undesirable image."Right," he sighs. "So we’ll go on medical leave or something. That’s valid, right?""The issue there, Jim," Bones looks like a man who needed three drinks yesterday, "Is that being on medical leave in this case will basically mean you’re confined to your quarters.""So?""Confined to your quarters together.""Oh." And somehow it hadn’t occurred to Jim that this isn’t something you can say goodnight to - he hadn’t quite processed the fact that he and Sulu wouldn't actually be able to occupy separate rooms in any capacity. "Oh."Sulu looks pale again. He squirms in his chair slightly, opening and closing his mouth a few times before actually speaking."I live with Ensign Chekov, I’m not sure that my quarters are...’acceptable.’""I believe that you will both have to occupy the Captain’s quarters."And again Jim’s mental maps unfold. He’s thinking about the layout of his room, how far the couch is and holy shit, the bed is like a mile from the couch. They could move it but it’s like, bolted to the floor or something. Shit. Are he and Sulu going to have to share a bed?He and Sulu are going to have to share a bed. Okay so that happened once before, in Tahoe, but they had been drunk, they'd been tired, they...they hadn't done anything, but now Sulu is going to have to share the bed that Bones has been in, that Jim expected he would be in again. That realization is possibly the most devastating."Bones," he says, quietly, knowing that his best friend has to be thinking the same thing.Bones just rubs at his eyes with his fingertips and shakes his head."It is what it is, kid."Jim’s heart clenches."Spock, Sulu...could I speak to Bones alone for a moment?"Spock looks uneasy, and Sulu flat out says, "No.""Excuse me?" Jim narrows his eyes."Seriously, Kirk, no. I can’t actually leave you, remember? Five feet?"Jim gapes for a moment and then clenches his fists, simultaneously grateful and disappointed that there isn’t something on hand for him to throw."What if you and Spock go stand outside the door, and we shut it? And then we’ll stand near the door on this side.""Are we allowed to shut the door on the bond, or will our heads explode or something? I’m still a little unclear on how this all works."Spock stands up quickly and gestures to the door. Sulu sighs grumpily and joins him. Jim follows a few paces behind, and when they’re clear of the door, he shuts it and leans on it, looking back at Bones."Bones. Bones, I’m sorry. I didn’t...you know I didn’t mean for this to happen."Bones just folds his hands on his desk and looks at his thumbs."I know you didn’t.""I was trying to do something for you, actually... And the stuff about Sulu being the closest to me, you saw how the Ambassador’s translator screwed up. She must have meant something like ‘nearest’ or ‘most locationally convenient.’""Jim." Bones’ voice is heavy. It makes Jim feel heartsick and ashamed. "Right now we don’t have a choice but to figure this out, and until we do you’re gonna have to live with Sulu. Look, it’s not like you got stuck to Keenser, is it?""Is that supposed to be a joke? Because you’re not actually funny, Bones, I’ve told you this before.""Christ, Jim, at the very least you and Sulu are friends, aren’t you? Haven’t you told me that a dozen times? You’ve spent a week in proximity to each other and didn’t kill yourselves, I’m sure you can manage-""We were allowed to be more than five feet apart!"He feels like crying. He feels childish and stupid and petulant and frustrated and all kinds of other things unfitting for a starship captain. The door is solid against his back and his hands are warm as he covers his face with them, trying to will himself back into something like confidence, order, or at least neutrality."Jim," Bones’ voice is closer now, warm and next to his ear. "We’ll figure this out.""...we were supposed to have sex tonight." He knows how absolutely petty that sounds, he knows that he means more than just "tonight" but he can’t help it, he can’t go there and he can’t stop going there.Bones chuckles slightly."I guess some things just aren’t in the cards, kid."A hand on his shoulder, a slight squeeze."Come on. We need to scan you two so we can start trying to figure this damn thing out.""I’m sorry Bones." He pulls his hands away from his face, leans toward him."I know you are."And just when they’re closing in on that kiss Jim didn’t get this morning -the one he asked to have for good luck and maybe if he’d had it, if Bones had obliged him, none of this would have happened- there’s banging on the door."I think I’m losing the feeling in my feet, open the door!"Jim and Bones look at each other."Remember," says Bones, "If we kill him, we kill you too.""It’s still tempting," says Jim, and sighing, opens the door.-
>From: Commander SpockNotice to all Enterprise Personnel:

During the mission to Cavia III, stardate 2284.6, both Captain Kirk and Lt. Sulu were exposed to a botanical agent, and are under quarantine until the nature of the toxin can be identified and the effects neutralized. First Officer Spock will be acting Captain until the situation is resolved. Your compliance is appreciated.
-SG-Sulu spends the first hour of their new life together frantically texting someone, probably Chekov, and pointedly not speaking to Jim. Kirk’s yeomen retrieve a specified list of things from Sulu’s room, and they sit with a box and two duffel bags on the coffee table in front of them.Jim has sat before next to Sulu while he’s sulked, and he’s itching to move now, to talk, to pace, to go to the bathroom, to do something, but he can’t without Sulu’s consent.Then it occurs to him that if he can’t get Sulu’s consent, he’ll just take it, so he stands up and starts to walk towards the bedroom, bracing himself for the snap of biofeedback and grabbing at the wall when it comes."Motherfuck!" Sulu falls off the couch. "Warn me next time, damn!""Oh, good, you’re still capable of talking, I was starting to worry."Sulu glowers up at Jim."I don’t really think I’m the one who needs to be making amends, here.""Well you’d better learn." Jim tries to take another step away and winces violently - there’s a gasp from behind him and even though he’s mad as fuck at Sulu (for no good reason sure, but), hearing someone he actually does care about in pain makes him hesitate. He turns around and comes back, kneeling down next to his helmsman. "Look, we’re gonna have to learn to deal with this sooner or later. You can be in one of your little Hikaru-snits as long as you want, but we’re gonna have to make some concessions here."Sulu scoffs a little, but seems to relent."What am I conceding to now?""Well I was kind of thinking I might take a shower-" Sulu turns bright red and Jim backtracks quickly. "I’m not asking you to shower WITH me!""How else are we going to do it?! Kirk-""Christ, Jim, okay?""Jim, whatever, we may have to sleep in the same bed tonight-" Jim briefly wonders if he’s not supposed to mention or even remember the time they shared a bed before- "But I am not ready to shower with you.""You don’t have to come IN the shower, you can...sit outside it or something!""I am not ready to see you naked!""Then you can close your damn eyes!" He throws his hands up. "Are we just supposed to sit here, covered in filth and never shower or even pee?"Sulu’s mortification is now almost comical."Oh my god. Oh my god, I totally forgot about that. How...how are we going to..." his eyes are wide with panic."We’ll...we’ll do something like earlier today, okay? We’ll shut the door and wait it out."Sulu’s digs his hands into his hair, scruffling at it desperately, then raises his head with a look of resignation."I guess we don’t really have a choice, do we.""Nope. And I really want to take a shower, okay? You can even put a towel over your head if you’re that worried about seeing me naked."Sulu considers for a moment."Okay but only if we can go to bed right after. It’s been a hell of a day and I’m exhausted.""I’ll drink to that." Jim stands and offers Sulu a hand up. He takes it, which surprises Jim a little; both because of how freaked out Sulu is about the situation, and because if feels as though there’s a sudden swelling warmth where their hands touch. Jim opts not to consider that too much."Come on," he nods toward the bathroom. "Where no helmsman has gone before.""Urgh," Sulu replies, and follows him.-The first shower adventure is a success, in large part because Sulu falls asleep with his back to the wall and a towel over his face. Jim can’t really blame him - the shower put him into a dozy state too, reminding him what a tremendously long day it’s been. He deliberately doesn’t think about how much longer tomorrow and every day after this until it’s fixed will be."Hey," he shakes Sulu’s shoulder gently."Nuff?" Sulu tips over a little, then pulls the towel off his face, peering up at Jim. "Mm...done?""Yeah. Come on, sleeping beauty, we’re going to bed.""Oh, right. Yeah." Sulu is awake in an instant and downright squirrely. They have to walk over to his things so he can get his pajamas -flannel pants and a 49ers t-shirt- and then back to the bathroom so he can floss and brush his teeth with a kind of intensity Jim has never seen in a normal human.Then it occurs to him that he’s still only wearing a towel, and they are about to go to bed together. Sulu’s just fucking stalling."Oh my god," Jim finally says. "Come on."Sulu glances at him, half-guilty, half-wary."Look if you’ll come out of the damn bathroom I’ll get my own pajamas, okay? I’m not gonna sleep naked with company.""That sounds really odd coming from you." Sulu looks for a place to put his toothbrush and finally just lays it alongside the sink.Jim rolls his eyes and sighs."I’m not in the mood for this right now, Hikaru."Sulu flinches a little, but finally leaves his safe space, following Jim to the dresser. He turns away as Jim drops the towel and pulls on a worn pair of Starfleet official regulation boxers. Sulu blanches a little when Jim turns back, then just shakes his head."Beggars and choosers and all that."The bed looms like a terrible fallen monolith. Jim looks at Sulu and Sulu looks back at him."I usually sleep on the right, is that okay?" says Jim."It’s your bed, your rules.""Good point."And with that, they each climb onto their appointed sides. Sulu immediately rolls onto his side away from Jim, clutching at the pillow like it might try to escape. He doesn’t think about Bones sleeping on that pillow just hours before; he doesn’t wonder if Sulu can smell him on it. He does consider that while it seemed so spacious when they were having sex, rolling around and on and over each other, now it seems tiny. Sulu has to be at least a foot away, but Jim is sure he can feel the tension along the lines of Sulu’s back, can feel the heat and softness of his shirt, can smell him as clearly as he did that night in Tahoe."Lights off." Jim calls, and the room is plunged into darkness.There are long moments of silence, but Jim is still uneasy. It’s as though Sulu is emitting waves of nervous discomfort. Finally Jim can’t take it."Lt. Sulu, at fucking ease.""...what?""Dude, just calm the hell down, okay? I’m not going to mack on you while you’re asleep. And I would expect you feel the same way about me.""That’s not...yeah. Of course."Jim rolls onto his side as well. Now their backs are facing one another in the dark."We’ll get through this, Hikaru. Spock and Bones’ll get us out of this, I don’t doubt it.""Yeah."The room seems so small, so close. Sulu so close. It would be calming if it wasn’t supposed to be a disaster, a terrible accident.Then the weight of the day closes in on him, all the emotions and the connotations. The emotional connotations and details and... Jim can’t keep his eyes open another second."Good night, Kir- Jim," he hears. It's soft, almost not there. And then he’s gone.- Jim wakes up to the sensation that he’s not alone.This shouldn’t actually be surprising, since he didn’t wake up alone yesterday, but it’s a significantly different presence this time. He rolls over to find Sulu mere inches away, looking at him intently."Dear fuck, that’s creepy," he says."Good morning, starshine," Sulu tucks his right hand under his cheek. "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." Pause. "You know I never really understood what that meant until now."Hikaru’s eyes are very brown, and his voice, this low and quiet, is soothing in places Jim would never have expected. But it’s the half-disguised look of seeming dismay that Jim notices the most, and he sighs, sitting up and rubbing at his hair."Yeah, I think I agree." Jim says as Sulu sits up next to him, yawning, and Jim raises an eyebrow. "Are you going to act like a dick today?""I haven’t decided yet. I was thinking of seeing how things started, and judging from there.""There’s not much to start. We’re quarantined. There’re mission briefs and miles of paperwork for me to do, but I dunno what you..." he trails off as Sulu peels off his shirt. That’s completely unwarranted. And stupid because it’s not like he’s never seen Sulu with his shirt off before - they’ve been in the gym together, they’ve fucking gone swimming together. But for some reason, this morning, waking up together like this...Fuck, is this another crazy Chutuub side effect? He makes a mental note to ask the Ambassador if there’s anything else she failed to mention."You mind if I shower?" Sulu is distinctly not looking at him anymore."Sure, go ahead."Sulu hesitates."You have to come with me, remember?"Jim could just punch himself. He nods, and throws the covers back, hitching up his boxers and trying to quell his standard morning erection. It’s not like there’s much he can do about it right now. Or later, really. Shit. It occurs to him that regardless of how long this lasts, he and Sulu are going to need to have a discussion about "personal private time," because there are a lot of things Jim is willing to give up, but his right hand at least once a day isn’t one of them.It doesn’t escape his notice, though, that Sulu conspicuously tugs the hem of his shirt down lower, as if he can cover up his own waking reaction. Jim can’t help but smile lopsidedly."I thought I told you at ease, Lt Sulu."Sulu gives him one of the nastiest look Jim has ever received before noon, which is saying a lot, honestly. He marches to the bathroom, ignoring the squawk Jim makes as the bond is stretched out between them."I think I’m going to be a dick today," Sulu calls over his shoulder. "No fucking pun intended."-It’s not the longest day of Jim’s life, but it’s certainly not the shortest or one of the most thrilling. In fact it’s downright productive, which is a little irritating, because it means that nothing exciting or interesting happens. He sits at his desk and works on a formal explanation of his current "medical leave" status to Starfleet HQ that he’ll send to Pike first, and Pike’ll take care of the rest of the admiralty (he hopes). Then he moves on to other forms, leave requests, equipment rosters, lists of things Scotty would love to get for Christmas or Boxing Day or whatever holiday is closest please, and not nearly enough emails from Bones.Jim knows he and Spock must be busy, and that less than twenty-four hours is way too soon to expect any kind of cure or even solid lead, but he couldn’t help hoping he’d hear something. And if not about his and Sulu’s problem, then at least a few words from Bones in general. Like "chin up, kid" or "go fuck yourself, Jim," or (although he hates to admit it) something as stupidly sentimental as "I’m thinking about you" or "I missed you last night."Sulu has parked himself on the couch, put on the largest headphones Jim has ever seen, and not strayed from his PADD for a moment. Jim assumes he’s doing work too, but while he continues to wade through what will always be called paperwork even though it’s digital, he can’t imagine that Sulu has that much extra stuff to do.So he asks."Hey."Sulu is still looking at his PADD, and the DJ-style headphones appear to be impenetrable. He tilts his chair back and stretches, then gets up, walking over to stand in front of Sulu and tapping on one of the enormous muffs.Sulu starts a little then looks up, eyes narrowed."WHAT?"Jim recoils, then motions for him to take the headphones off, which he does."Oh, sorry." Sulu rubs his hair. "What’s up?"Jim takes a moment to look at him. His hair is almost comically fluffy right now; its natural state when it isn’t gelled into place with a severe, perfect part, emphasizes how not-bridge-worthy he is right now. He’s curled up in a corner of the couch in a big gray hoodie, again wearing those same flannel pants that he slept in.He looks good.It surprises Jim that the thought doesn’t surprise him. And that’s probably okay - he knows Sulu is attractive. And handsome and cute and even hot. That road has been well considered, if not really traveled down. But it’s odd to see him looking so nearly-at-home in Jim’s room, on Jim’s couch. No one but Bones has ever really looked at home here."How are you doing?""Oh." He shifts a little, stretches out his legs. "Okay, I guess.""Find enough to do?""Yeah, I had some things I needed to look at, some stuff from botany too..."Jim leans over and glances at the PADD."Dude, you’re just playing Bejeweled!"Sulu blanches and immediately exits his game, then looks sullen."I was taking a break.""Uh-huh." Jim smiles. "Sure.""I was!""Hey, whatever, I’m not going to argue." He notices a slight flush across Sulu’s nose - it’s cute. It shouldn’t be cute. But it’s cute. "So you uh...need to walk around or anything?""No, I’m good.""Hungry?"Sulu shrugs."Not really, are you?""Not really.""Okay."And then they stare at each other, and Jim feels really dumb, like maybe he should say that he wants to go for a walk, but where can they go in the middle of the day without drawing too much attention to themselves? They’re supposed to be laying low in quarantine, after all."Well um...just let me know if you need anything.""Yeah," Sulu says, looking at him a little strangely. "I will. Same to you, of course."Jim nods and walks back to his desk, feeling awkward as all hell for no good reason. Not that he’s entirely to blame - Sulu may have decided he isn't going to sulk, but he isn't being particularly forthcoming, either. Maybe, Jim considers, he should have sat down next to him and asked him what he was listening to, made it more of a friendly thing instead of a weird, "I’m the Captain and I’m checking up on you in a captainly way" thing, but now that he’s thought of it, Sulu is already wearing his headphones again and the chance is gone.He sighs and looks down at his own PADD, then grins broadly. There’s a message from Bones waiting for him.
>From: McCoy, Leonard H.

Hey kid, I hope you made it through last night okay, and that Sulu’s at least being reasonable, if not personable. Spock and I spent most of the night just reading the scans - I hate to say it, but it’s gonna be a bit of a wait before we can make sense of how to fix this. I’m still holding on for more information from the Cavian Ambassador - she’s checking up on the status of the people this happened to before.

Chin up and all that. I’ll try to stop by on my way home tonight and check if you need anything.

-LHM
Jim reads it several times before he reconciles himself to the fact that there is no hidden sexual or even tremendously affectionate subtext. He doesn’t want to be disappointed and he won’t let himself be disappointed; Bones is hard at work trying to fix him; there’s no reason for him to let emotions slip into his doctory facade.Nevertheless.Jim starts a little as Sulu makes a sound - he’s laughing. It’s loud, probably louder than he realizes with his headphones on, and Jim is reminded again of watching him laugh with Chekov. It’s going to be an even longer quarantine if Jim never learns how to make Sulu laugh like that, or even act like they’re legitimately friends.That hurts, he thinks, and folds his arms on the desk, putting his head down and watching Sulu more. Now he’s typing animatedly. It must be Chekov on the other end of the conversation. At least Sulu isn’t lonely, but the thought makes him feel lonely.Maybe Bones will come by and cheer him up. Maybe Sulu will agree to stand in the bathroom for five minutes or something while he and Bones...do something. He’s never gone this long without even his own hands. He just wants to be touched, or even, god forbid, comforted about this whole stupid situation.Jim closes his eyes and breathes slowly.-
>From: McCoy, Leonard H.

Hey kid, sorry I missed you last night. According to Spock I "fell into an overworked state," which is just Spock-ese for "I passed the fuck out at my desk and he helpfully decided not to wake me up." Needless to say, I was not a ray of sunshine when I woke up in the middle of the night with a stylus stuck to my face.

Hope that image made you laugh. I have the bad feeling that you’re acting all sullen, as you so often do when shit doesn’t go your way, so just hang in there. I promise I’ll try to be by tonight, overworked or not.

-LHM
-Day two is uneventful. Nothing happens. Sulu barely talks. Jim wonders if you can actually feel yourself going crazy, and is so relieved when the doorchime sounds that he almost cries.Instead, he tears across the room, barely stopped when Sulu calls out in pain and has to struggles after him, and slams his hand on the door button."BONES!" he cries. Bones makes a face."Cabin fever so soon Jim?"He hasn’t shaved and he’s looking highly underslept, but Jim wants to kiss him. He almost does before Bones’ hand on his chest stops him."Hey. We’ve got company."Sulu is stuffing his hands into the pocket of his sweatshirt and pointedly looking the other way."Whatever, just pretend I’m not here."Jim thinks that maybe he should apologize for the sudden ambush, but he doesn’t really feel like it. He grabs Bones’ arm and pulls him in."Come on, come in, did you find anything out?"Bones smiles wanly, and looks at Sulu, then rubs the back of his neck."Not yet. We’re waiting on information from the Ambassador, then we’re scheduling a conference with her and one of the leading Cavian medics. I really just came to check on you and make sure you weren’t eating each other alive yet."Sulu snorts. Jim can’t help scowling.Bones raises an eyebrow."That good, huh?""Hey, Sulu, can you-""What, give you some privacy? Yeah, sure, I’ll go stand in the bathroom."Once they’re...relatively alone, Jim leans against the bathroom door and hopes Sulu isn’t listening too intently. He looks at Bones with a sigh."Oh my god, you have to fix this soon. He’s a nightmare.""Really? What’s he done?""Nothing!" Jim throws his arms in the air. "He doesn’t do anything! He just like...sits and pokes at his PADD and sends messages to Chekov and doesn’t want to walk around or talk or even act like we’re friends!"Bones purses his lips and folds his arms across his chest, shifting from foot to foot as he thinks."Well, on the one hand, I can’t entirely blame him for being upset with the situation. And forgive me for suggesting that you might actually not be a total delight to hang out with right now either."Jim hmphs."I’m at least willing to make compromises. He hasn’t offered anything!"Bones looks entirely too amused."Have you actually offered him any compromises or are you having all these conversations in your head? Because you tend to do this thing, Jim, where you assume that people can read your thoughts or have some way of following your train of deranged logic without you actually having to say anything. And that’s just not true."Jim stares at him.Sputters a little.Then folds his arms across his chest too, and glares at the floor."I was hoping you’d come and be nice to me, not come and be a asshole.""A perfectly right asshole.""Exactly."Bones laughs. He laughs so differently from Sulu, lower and thicker. It makes Jim feel the slightest bit heartened to know that someone still finds him -or at least his predicament- funny."You know what you can do? You can talk to Chekov.""About? Being tiny and adorable?""No, about Sulu. It wouldn’t hurt for you to talk to someone who’s lived with him to get some tips."Jim shakes his head."No, I can do it. I figured Sulu out before, I can do it again.""There’s no shame in asking for help, Jim. No one’s been in a situation like this before and we’re here to help you.""Yeah it’s really helping that I can’t leave this room and my supposedly good friend is acting like a hermity sociopath in my own home."Bones’ sigh rests heavy on both of them."Look I’ll talk to Spock about the quarantine and at least getting you guys time to run in the gym to get some of the stress out.""I know what would help me get some of the stress out right now," Jim says grumpily. Bones rolls his eyes."No, Jim.""Come on, it’ll be really quick." Jim leans forward, reaching for the hem of Bones’ shirt, or maybe his hand, to touch and pull. "I haven’t been able to since before the mission, I’m sure I’ll be much more amenable to all your completely brilliant ideas if you’d just help me with this one little thing. You did say you were here to help.""Jim, no, not when Sulu is standing on the other side of the door.""Bones, please..."Bones’ comm chirps at that moment. He looks irritatingly relieved."McCoy here.""Dr. McCoy," Spock’s voice is clear and focused. "If you would please return to Sickbay, there’s some pertinent data I’d like to review with you before I pass it along to the Ambassador.""Be right there, Spock. McCoy out."He shuts the comm and pockets it, then looks at Jim. Jim pointedly stares at the floor."Try talking to Sulu. Or try talking to Chekov. Just...don’t make this harder on yourself than it is.""I’m trying not to."Bones reaches forward and squeezes his shoulder."I’ll let you know what we find out, okay? See you later, kid."With that, he’s across the room, out the door, gone. Jim isn’t sure if he feels better since this visit or oddly worse. Has everything changed between them, or is Bones just being stubborn because there’s someone else nearby? He kicks at the bathroom door and Sulu opens it, frowning."Can I come out now?""Sure, fine, whatever." Jim starts to walk away."Hey!""What?""Wait the hell up for me," Sulu’s tone is edged with something hard. For a moment, Jim is reminded, not positively, of the less attractive aspects of Sulu’s older, bitchier sister, Kirana."Do you want to eat? Do you want to sleep? Do you just want to sit on the fucking couch and not talk to me? What do you want to do, Sulu?""I want to get the hell out of here.""I’d like that too, but oops, aliens made us bestest friends! Sorry I’m not as cutesy and amenable and Russian as your usual fare."Sulu’s eyes widen just slightly, just a fraction. For a moment Jim senses something behind them and something between them, some flash he doesn’t understand. Then it’s gone, and Sulu is as closed to him as he’s ever been. How fucking frustrating.Sulu pushes past him and lays down on the bed. "You don’t even know what you’ve done. You don’t even think about anyone but yourself."And Jim is furious, absolutely fucking enraged. But he can’t think of any words, can’t think of anything to say or even do - because hurting Sulu with the biofeedback hurts him too, and he’s not in the mood to flay himself for a simple mistake. A simple mistake when he'd been trying to be thoughtful to two people he'd thought were his friends, friends who don't actually seem to want to be around him when the proverbial chips are down.So he lies down next to Sulu, angrily barks out "LIGHTS!" and they spend the rest of the evening in the dark, not talking.Eventually, Jim falls asleep. It’s not at all restful.-Nothing is better in the morning. It’s probably actually worse. They sit across the room from each other, communicating solely in grunts and the occasional gesture. Pleas to Bones for help go unanswered or evaded. He’s still waiting on stuff from the Ambassador (what taking this long?! Jim wonders) and Spock’s metabolism means he can work longer hours and Bones, hating to feel like he’s not exactly on par with the Vulcan, is keeping late nights too. Jim feels alone and hated and unwanted and angry, wondering why he even wants to be friends with any of these people, let alone the grumpy weirdo on his couch.The awfulness lasts for three days.-Jim wakes up to Sulu staring at him again. It’s still anything but appealing. Jim scowls and rubs at his eyes. "Are you going to do this every day?""Sometimes I look at your face," Sulu props his cheek against his hand. "And I wonder, what the hell happened to you? You have like...caverns. Did a series of small meteors hit you as a child, or did you spend five years never washing your face?"Jim glowers."Do you know that my intense dislike of you grows exponentially every day?""Maybe you should just kill me. Oh wait. Then you'd die too. What a profound universal loss for everyone."Jim sits up - he’s all sweaty from sleeping in his clothes and all the irritation from the past few days comes back and brings friends."I wish I'd never jumped off that drill to save you. In fact, I'm considering finding another fucking wormhole so we can go back in time and I can shove you off myself.""Good luck with that. I'm not sure how you're gonna get there without me to fly your damn ship.""Stop talking. You wouldn’t talk for days and now you won’t stop talking. Do you ever stop talking? Stop talking.""It was interesting listening to you and McCoy the other day. I always thought you’d end up sleeping together and it looks like I was right, but he totally rejected you, didn’t he? He's mad at you and he doesn't want to fix you or me or anything because it's all your goddamn fault.""MY fault? How is it my fault that it’s a crazy bonding tree that no one thought to warn us about?""It's your fault because you KNOW that you do stupid shit and are the whole fucking universe and you still went into space and became a captain and went on this stupid mission with your stupid allergies and that's how we ended up in this stupid situation!"Jim can really only scoff in shock and incredulity."Yeah because being allergic to most things automatically makes me allergic to all things. And allergies don’t even come into fucking play here, I-""You should at least know to be careful or something, but you? Careful? No, that's like...the opposite of your modus operandi.""Okay I will have you know that I wasn't allergic to everything when I was growing up. I didn't even fucking go into space until I was twenty-fucking-two!""And where did you grow up again, in a plastic bubble in a subterranean cave?!""In Iowa!""Ohhhh," Sulu throws up his hands, speaking with an acidly mocking reverence. "Iowa.""What's your problem now?!""Who the fuck grows up in Iowa in the 22nd century?!""Oh, oh I see, this is one of those 'I'm from the coast, I'm so much fucking better than you' things isn't it.""That has nothing to do with-""No no, you let me tell you, Sulu, ever since I moved to California I have put up with your people's coastal bullshit and I want you to tell me what the fuck you would do if you didn't have the goddamn midwest to supply you with your fucking GRAINS!""You may have noticed that California is capable of producing its own agriculture.""Let's see you agricult a COW, you son of a bitch!""That's not even a word and we do have cows, we have excellent, happy cows, and you know what, we make some fucking good cheese!""Real cheese comes from Wisconsin!""No one LIVES in Wisconsin!""Ohhhh nooo, why would they when they could live on your precious adorable COAST?""You know what's even stupider than arguing about American geography? Arguing about it IN SPACE!""You started it!""I just pointed out that you're an idiot. If you want to tell me that Iowa is full of idiots-""I am so fucking done with you!"And Jim punches him.It feels so good, so incredibly good and freeing, and the expression on Sulu’s face as he falls to the side is worth every moment of the past few days. He’s beyond shock and awe and into flabbergasted and astoundment. This is the perfect new word for his expression, Jim is certain..Jim is so thrilled at the break in the tension that he doesn’t see Sulu’s fist before it smashes into his jaw, a powerful right hook that shakes his eyes and clacks his teeth together painfully."Fuck you," Sulu hisses, a terrible tone Jim has never heard before. "I never even wanted to start with you and now look."Jim spits out what he hopes is just blood and no teeth, and then it’s on.It’s a messy, nasty fight. They fall off the bed scrabbling at each other, nails and fists and knees to groins and stomachs. Sulu is slighter than Jim but more flexible, with a surprisingly strong grip. They grapple and roll against the wall, and Sulu will not be dislodged until Jim flat out bashes him in the nose, dirty barfight style.The shock makes Sulu let go. He falls back, hand over his face, blood gushing, Sulu choking, and...sobbing. Jim remembers the first time he got hit in the nose, in the particular place that will reduce anyone to tears immediately. It'd been a fight with Sam in the barn. He can vividly recall the sharp pain, the sting spreading across his whole face, the not-yet-so-familiar taste of blood running down the back of his throat."Shit, Sulu, I’m sorry, here, let me-"And as he leans forward, hand outstretched, Sulu kicks him hard just below the ribs. He doubles over with a pathetic wheezing sound, certain that the impact has lodged his diaphragm somewhere inside his esophagus and concentrating on trying to work it back down to where it belongs.It takes a few minutes, and when he finally feels like he isn’t choking on caustic fire-air, he looks up at Sulu."Truce?"Sulu nods, hands still clasped to his face, his gray sweatshirt now messily streaked with reddish brown blood.Jim works his way to all fours and crawls the mercifully short distance over to the nightstand, reaching into the drawer and pulling out a towel and tossing it to Sulu, who gratefully presses it to his face."Come on," Jim drags himself to his feet, then takes Sulu’s arm, pulling him up and they limp-struggle to the bathroom where Sulu sits down on the shut toilet and snuffles pitifully."I never remember," he says, voice muffled, eyes puffy, "If you’re supposed to lean forward or backward when you have a nosebleed.""Technically, neither." Jim smiles ruefully. "You pinch. And then you wait. Took me a long time to get the hang of it, but now it’s like a reflex."Sulu looks like he wants to throw out some derisive comment about that, but instead he pinches his nose as instructed and winces, squeezing his eyes together as a few tears leak out from under them."Ow." His voice is small and wet and miserable.While he sits, Jim checks his teeth in the mirror, and seeing no immediate injuries, just some scraping on the inside of his cheeks, decides he’s fine, rinses out the rest of the blood, and then rubs his sore stomach a little. He waits a few minutes, then says, "Right, let go now."A fresh torrent of blood streams from Sulu’s face. "Holy shit!" Jim grabs for another towel and shoves it against his face. "Okay, um...I’m gonna call Bones. You uh...stay there."Sulu doesn’t even look like he’s considering moving, and Jim suddenly just feels terrible; he races out to grab his comm -hoping his speed will mitigate the awful biofeedback reaction (which it almost does)- and then runs back, fidgeting when Bones doesn’t immediately answer. What if his helmsman bleeds to death in his bathroom? How would he ever explain that to HQ, let alone Sulu’s family? He can’t imagine facing Sulu’s mother after doing this to her son, and Kirana and Akiko would probably tear him limb from limb."McCoy.""Hey, Bones, I need you to come over, like right now."A pause."Jim, if this is a desperate attempt at a booty call-""No, Sulu’s hurt, please come quick okay?""...Right. Be there in three. McCoy out."-Bones holds Sulu’s chin with one hand and the regenerator with the other. Jim watches from a few paces away, trying not to think about how pale Sulu looks behind the dried blood all the way down his chin. His sweatshirt may not even be salvageable. Jim looks at his hands and notices a blood stain - he’s not sure if it’s his or Sulu’s, but it doesn’t really matter right now."Right," Bones says, turning off the regenerator. "That should heal the break, but I have a feeling you’re going to be stuffed up for a while." He leans over and grabs his medkit, digging around for a hypo and then pressing it to Sulu’s neck with a kindness he’s never used on Jim. "That’s for the pain. You’re probably gonna be dizzy, so I’d advise washing up and then taking the rest of the day easy. Drink some juice, you’re gonna need to get your sugars back."Sulu listens to all of this and nods, sitting despondently on the toilet. Bones stands up and looks at Jim."A word, Jim.""Yeah."They step outside the bathroom and close the door, and it’s like the other night but Bones is nowhere near amused this time, he’s angry."Real fine work there, Captain.""Oh do not fucking ‘Captain’ me right now, Bones. You know I didn’t mean to break his nose.""So what was your goal when you punched him, then?"Jim looks away, chews his thumbnail obstinately."He started it.""Oh do not even-""Well he did!" Jim feels eight years old, standing in the kitchen tattling on Sam. "He’s been so impossible, Bones, and this morning he just...there was an incident, lines were crossed." He considers a moment, then sighs. "Mistakes were made.""Yeah. Yeah I’ll say they fucking were. How do I file this, Jim? It’s been weird enough explaining this whole bond shit to Starfleet, how do I explain why you broke your Lieutenant’s nose?""I’m sure you’ll come up with something.""That’s not even the point! Jim, he is your subordinate officer and he is your friend. I don’t know why both of you seem to have forgotten the past year and a half of your lives, but I remember someone coming to my house from California glowing about his new pilot and the week he’d just had. You fought for that, you jumped into certain death for him, and now you’re just fighting him. It’s stupid and stubborn."Jim feels small. So small. So insignificant and foolish and like he wouldn’t even deserve Bones’ affection if he were willing to give it right now."I’m sorry.""Don’t apologize to me, kid. This is between the two of you. I’m equally disappointed in both of you, and it’s a kick in the damn ass after I’ve been forgoing pretty much everything else in my life to try to get you two out of this fucking mess." Bones pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. "Right, you don’t need me to lecture you anymore. Just...look after Sulu and make sure to tell me if he starts bleeding again.""Yeah." Jim nods and folds his arms across his chest, as chastised as he’s ever been. "Yeah, I’ll be good, Bones.""I’ll comm you later to check in, okay?" Bones goes over to the bathroom door and palms it open, then grabs his kit from the floor, giving Sulu a once-over - he’s got his head between his knees."I’m okay," Sulu’s voice is soft.Bones gives Jim a look and a nod, then walks past him, and out of the room. And Jim watches him go, suddenly realizing that there’s a space between him and Bones that wasn’t there before. Things are changing, fast, and he’s got to adapt and be reasonable with him, especially with Sulu, or he’s going to lose his closest friends in one stupid swoop.He steps closer to Sulu and gently takes his arm."Hey, come on. You think you can stand?""Of course I can stand." Sulu bats his hands away and does so, but sways a little, grabbing the counter to steady himself. "I need to shower.""Yeah." Jim chews his lip for a moment, then sits in his usual place against the wall. "I’ll be right here. Holler if you need anything."Sulu strips off his bloody clothes, steps into the shower, and doesn’t say a word for a long time.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

They spend the rest of the day in bed. It’s not nearly as fun as other times Jim has done something similar.
Sulu falls asleep pretty quickly after his shower. Jim watches him for a while, trying not to feel creepy about it. He still looks more pale than normal, but his breathing is even and deep, left hand curled slightly open near his face.
He’s handsome like this, when he’s not being so sullen Jim thinks, not surprised that he thinks this, but a little confused by the swell of warmth in his chest and the slight twist to his stomach.
He grabs his PADD and pokes at it for a bit, reading a few emails and trying to write to Bones; all attempts flounder when he’s not sure what to say, exactly, outside of apologizing again. Part of him wants to suggest they "kiss and make up" but that’s not happening, right now. He wanders around a game of Betazoid Sudoku before he realizes what he actually has to do, and signs on to the ship’s internal instant message system.
A lot of his crew is online, and while he wonders how many of them are hiding message boxes behind the work they’re supposed to be doing, he shakes his head and scans the name list. When the answer to his query isn’t immediately apparent, he easily hacks the program and gets the information he needs.
>Message: CaptFine to Nee_Yice

Chekov, it’s Kirk. You got a moment to talk?

There’s a slight delay. Jim smiles, imagining that Chekov is probably freaking out.
>>Nee_yice:

Captain, hi. I think you should know that I’m on lunch.

>>CaptFine:

I don’t care what you’re doing right now, I need your help.

>>Nee_yice:

Sir? I mean, whatever you need.

>>CaptFine:

I dunno how much Sulu has told you about the past few days, but they haven’t been going very well, and that needs to change. He’s an important crew member and friend to me, and today I’ve really messed up. I need you to tell me how to deal with his moods. And what I can do to make things go more smoothly between us.

There’s a long pause between messages, and Jim can’t help wondering if he’s overstepped some bounds by doing this. But if anyone knows how to deal with this...Bones was right, it’s Chekov.
>>Nee_Yice:

If you’ll forgive me for being frank, Captain, Hikaru isn’t always the easiest person to have as a roommate. And he is prone to moods, particularly lately because obviously your situation isn’t ideal. So I will email you some “Handy Hikaru Tips” that I have learned.

There’s about six minutes in between Chekov’s comment and the email appearing, and Jim opens it, blinking at the length. Damn, Chekov types fast.

>From: Chekov, Pavel A

Pavel’s Handy Hikaru Tips:

1. Sometimes when he’s sulking, it’s best to just let him get out of it. I know it’s a pain, but eventually he’ll come back around.

2. He has awful taste in movies and music, but he’s easily embarrassed about it, so don’t tease him too hard or he’ll get super defensive. To be fair, some of it can be fun when you’re drunk.

3. He’s pretty ridiculous when he’s drunk, but I think you already know that. He gets kind of affectionate too (do not read into that and think that we’ve had sex, Captain, because we haven’t. He likes someone else).

4. If he’s really upset, he’ll start listening to “The Chain” by Fleetwood Mac on loop. That’s how you know you’re in trouble.

5. His comfort foods are marshmallow or peanut butter on celery. Seriously. If left alone, he’ll eat an entire bag of marshmallows by himself. He really likes the artificially fruity ones. If you want to make good with him, bring him a bag of marshmallows. He has trouble being upset if there are marshmallows nearby.

I hope that’s enough.

Jim reads the list once, twice, three times, glances at Sulu, then chuckles softly before responding to Chekov in their chat.
>>CaptFine:

Fleetwood Mac?

>>Nee_Yice:

You don’t even know the half of it. At the risk of saying too much, his favorite song is "Edge of Seventeen." He has a thing about Stevie Nicks.

Jim actually chokes laughing on that. Sulu stirs slightly, snuffling, brow furrowing. Jim presses his lips together until he’s still again, then types back.
>>CaptFine:

That’s the most hilarious thing I’ve heard in ages.

He considers a moment.

That has nothing to do with you being 17 when you met, does it?

>>Nee_Yice:

Captain, with all due respect, NO. NO. NO.

>>CaptFine:

Yeah, sorry, I just have thought you would make a cute couple.

>>Nee_Yice:

You and so many others. But as far as I know, Hikaru has only ever dated girls. before

Jim frowns a little at that. Then he’s not sure why.
>>CaptFine:

Before?

>>Nee_Yice

...I mean, as in, the history of Hikaru’s romantic life has, as far as I know, only included girls.

>>CaptFine:

Do you know who he likes on the ship? I could try to help...

>>Nee_Yice:

He hasn’t told me. I have a few ideas, but forgive me for saying, Captain, but I don’t think right now would be the best time for these things, unless you are very fond of extreme double dating.

>>CaptFine:

Oh right, good point. Anyway, thanks Chekov, this has been a big help.

>>Nee_Yice:

Anytime Captain.

>>Nee_Yice has signed off.
Jim sets down his PADD and looks at Sulu again, then considers the distance from the bed to the replicator. It’s unfortunately too far; his marshmallow offering will have to wait until Sulu’s awake. So he settles down, deciding he may as well nap too. He eases under the covers... and then Sulu rolls over, hand flopping against Jim’s arm, fingers closing around his sleeve. Jim starts, then freezes, then remembers to breathe.
He gently unwinds Sulu’s hand, and then...doesn’t know what to do with it. There’s that heat between their hands again, and it’s strangely comforting, so Jim decides he’ll just...hold Sulu’s hand for a little bit. In case he moves again and hits himself in the face or something, of course.
"Lights," he says.
-
Jim wakes up because Sulu wakes up.They’d managed to wind themselves together in sleep, and Sulu appears to be trying to extract himself as carefully and quickly as possible.
"Hey," Jim says, and Sulu stops moving.
"Hey," he says back.
Jim rolls over onto his back, giving Sulu an excuse to back away a little. He doesn’t think about the slight disappointment as the warmth between them dissipates.
"So, um." Sulu looks away then back at Jim. "I owe you an apology."
"No, dude," Jim sits up, scratching his chest and yawning. "I’m the one who really fucked up. I punched you first and I...there’s no excuse for that."
"Even though I was being really fucking obnoxious?"
Jim laughs softly.
"Well...you might have a point. But I didn’t mean to break your nose. I didn’t know you were a bleeder either."
Sulu makes a face and sniffs, wincing slightly.
"But yeah," Jim continues. "I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of this, for this whole situation and generally...kind of sucking about being together."
"I’m sorry too. I haven’t been making it easy for you." Sulu rubs at his hair. "As usual. I don’t know what it is about you that brings that out in me."
"Yeah I dunno either, most people want to spend all their time with me, and beg to end up in my bed every night."
The joke seems to fall flat, Sulu just staring away with a slight "hmm."
Jim clears his throat. "So anyway, let’s um...let’s fix this. We’re friends, right? You promised me in Tahoe."
"I know. It's important to me." Sulu looks back at him, eyes dark and depthless, and again Jim feels like there’s something in that gaze, something more than Sulu would ever want to let on. And that makes him want to know even more.
"So? Should we try to suck at this whole thing less?"
"Yeah. I guess it’ll make up for all those times you ditched me for McCoy."
Jim laughs awkwardly, then throws the covers back.
"Come on, I totally have a peace offering for you."
Sulu looks at him quizzically, but follows him to the replicator, and in a moments, Jim is handing him a bowl of marshmallows.
"Wha...how..." Sulu’s eyes narrow. "Have you been talking to Pavel?"
"What? How can you say that? Everyone likes marshmallows." He tosses one into his mouth. "Come on, let’s upload your music and vids to my computer so they’re easier to access."
Jim starts walking to his desk, then stops, turns, waits for Sulu to come with him.
"Thanks, Jim." Sulu says, actually smiling a little, and comes to his side.
-
The next week is, if not awesome, fairly cool. It’s like a fog has been lifted, a desert crossed, a kitten saved from an evil tree. Sulu is personable, friendly. They make a schedule for showering, eating, sleeping, who gets to play their music for how long and when. They communicate. it’s kind of epic. It would be a lot like their vacation, except for the part where they still have to do everything in close proximity to each other.
The best thing that happens by far is that Spock and McCoy finagle a way for them to have private gym access for an hour a day. The first time they go, Jim is so thrilled to be up and moving that he says, "Sulu, let’s race," forgetting that they’re screwed if they don’t keep pace with each other. They end up shocking each other a lot, then falling to the ground, play-wrestling and gasping.
It’s the first time Jim hears Sulu laugh and knows it’s because of him. He catches himself smiling at random times for the rest of the day.
Bedtime becomes easier too. Sulu doesn’t linger in the bathroom or seem like he wants to construct a barrier down the middle of the bed. In fact, they seem to be gravitating closer every night, even if they never talk about it in the morning. Sulu has taken to making the bed every morning, evening out the corners with his tongue pressed thoughtfuly (and probably unconsciously) between his lips. Jim tries to suggest it’s unnecessary, but Sulu seems to enjoy doing it, and hey, it makes the room look nice and Sulu happy.
Spock and Bones are still working diligently, so there are random blood tests every other day, and various scans. Even the two of them seem to be starting a kind of rhythm - watching them work together in sickbay is compelling, and Jim finds himself struggling to feel jealous that Bones has less and less time for him, which is weird on a lot of levels because Jim has always been his first priority.
Then the Ambassador calls back.
-
They’re all in the ready room, and Jim and Sulu are in uniform for the first time since that fateful day on Cavia III. Jim looks around the table. Spock and Bones are sitting close together, talking quietly about information on a PADD. He cocks his head to the side and wonders if having Sulu close by all the time -and now back in true friend realm- has made him miss Bones less. He doesn’t miss sex less - he’s started using shower time to quietly get off and it’s not as much he’d like and not nearly as fulfilling as a long session with himself in the bed, but again, beggars choosers and all that.
Sulu is chewing on his shirt-cuff, sort of staring off into the distance, and Jim smiles. He’s started to notice the familiar toothy-frayed pattern on a lot of Sulu’s sweatshirts, and he wonders if Sulu even knows how often he does it.
The screen flickers to life, and Ambassador Nibivia is there, but she looks anything other than pleased - her frill is drooped. Jim swallows hard.
"Captain Kirk. So good to speak to you again."
"Ambassador Nibivia."
"And Dr. McCoy and Commander Spock. And Lt. Sulu." She nods to each of them in turn. "I wish I was coming back to you under better circumstances." She looks to Spock and Bones. "I know you’ve been speaking with our scientists, and they in turn have been relaying all your research to me, and collectively we feel that you’re on the right track, but we have particular concern over the bond growing potentially more damaging the longer it lasts."
"If I may interject, Ambassador," Spock folds his hands on the table, "I believe we may have come to isolate the particular coding sequence that is affected, and hope in the near future to be able to neutralize the affects with a proper RNA synthesis."
The Ambassador nods.
"I understand that, and I hope that will be successful."
"But you have doubts." Spock raises an eyebrow. Jim shifts.
"Unfortunately, yes. Not that I doubt your work in gene therapy or your dedication, but the fact remains that the research on the previous humans who were bonded has not turned up favorable results. I am forwarding the processes that were attempted in their case."
"Did they work at all?" Jim’s mouth feels dry.
"I’m sorry, Captain." The Ambassador turns to him. "At the time, the treatments did not successfully eliminate the bond. They were forced to take other measures."
"Well?" Bones sits back, arms folded.
"They tried a procedure that is actually forbidden by Cavian law - they separated beyond the maximum bonding distance."
"I thought Cavians weren’t restrained by distance," Jim is so uncomfortable in his chair, like he can actually feel the bond tightening around his wrists, his ankles, his heart.
"Even we have limits. They’re longer than those of humans, but each bonded pair discovers their limits and does not exceed them. To willingly break the bond is considered one of the most heinous acts possible."
"But the people from before, they did it." Jim swallows again.
"Yes." The Ambassdor nods.
"And?"
"Jesus Christ," Bones interjects, looking at the information he’s just been transferred.
"They died, didn’t they." Sulu’s voice is flat; it sounds like it’s coming from another room, maybe even another world.
"They died," the Ambassador nods.
"They didn’t just die, they exploded!" Bones is scanning his PADD furiously. "They both exhibited symptoms of extreme hemorrhagic shock without blood loss, then suffered massive coronaries and essentially just dropped dead." He looks up at Jim, then at Spock. "I don’t know of any medical precedent for this."
The Ambassador bows her head.
"Between Cavians, separation is extremely painful and can have tremendously crippling effects. Most recover. But it seems that humans are unable to survive the turmoil, especially when the bond has been in place for several months." She looks back at Jim, her eyes glittering. "I am so sorry, Captain Kirk."
"Yeah," is all he can manage.
Jim has prided himself on being able to handle some pretty fucking difficult discussions in his brief tenure as Captain, to listen to terrible accident reports, to hear the worst news possible. And yet this is somehow beyond him. He’s aware that Bones and Spock continue to talk to the Ambassador about treatment plans, but all he can do is look at Sulu, who stares straight ahead, closed and still.
"The only other option I can can think of," the Ambassdor offers, "Is, I’m afraid, likely not plausible. It seems that we were wrong to assume that the death of one half of a bonded human pair will cause the immediate death of the other one. In fact, it may be the only way to actually release the bond naturally."
And now Sulu looks at him, and all Jim can hear is the rush of the wind as they fell together toward Vulcan, locked together in a dying wish that somehow came true. Sulu must be thinking the same thing, he has to be thinking the same thing.
"I am still hoping there is an alternative," the Ambassador is saying, somewhere far, far away, "I will of course continue to forward any and all information we receive."
"We’ll be in touch." Bones says.
And the conversation is over, the screen dark, and Jim didn’t say goodbye.
"Captain," Spock starts, and Bones puts a hand on his shoulder - Spock visibly greens and Bones quickly removes the touch, walking around the table to kneel next to Jim.
"Hey."
"Bones, I..." Jim can’t stop looking at Sulu, can’t stop thinking about the danger of biofeedback lingering below every step and how truly awful it really could be. Sulu is looking back at him, just as stricken, with a strange almost-longing and... "I think Sulu and I could really use a drink right now."
"Yeah." Bones sighs. "I think we all need one."
-
Bones leaves hours before. Spock doesn't even come over. And now Jim is lying on his floor, head to head with Sulu, and they are both unbelievably drunk.
"Do you know what time it is?" Sulu slurs, snuffles, coughs a little.
"Saturday." Jim says.
"Is that the best you can do?"
Jim groans and forces himself upright enough to look in the general direction of the chronometer; the numbers glow neon red but don’t seem to be any kind of symbols he recognizes.
"There’s some numbers over there, but they could be anything."
"Urgh." Sulu groans. "Fine. Whatever."
Jim rubs at his eyes.
"Can you sit up?"
There’s a very long pause, some slight grunting, and then a sulky "...no."
"Okay." Jim tries his hand at the terrible task himself, but lies down again quickly and closes his eyes, inhaling deeply. He’s certain they both smell less than pleasant, but it would be too much care about that right now. "So."
"Yeah."
Their conversation has been minimal. Jim is aware through his smashed fog that they need to discuss what the Ambassador said, or at least try to cope with it.
"There’re worse things that could have happened."
"Sure." Sulu shifts a little and his hair brushes against Jim’s ear. "We could have fallen in love with rabid Klingons. Or turned into chairs."
"Right, see?"
"I don’t want to be a chair."
"Yeah me neither," Jim tries to look at Sulu sideways but that makes him dizzy. "So no chairs. And it’s not like we’re dead yet."
"No. But how long is that gonna last?"
"Bones ‘n Spock’ll figure a way out of this. I have total faith in them."
"You just say that because you’re fucking McCoy and he’s like your perfect friend who’s perfect and you love him so much."
The statement drips with bitterness, and Jim considers getting angry about it, or pushy or argumentative, but he’s so tired, so heavy inside.
"I haven’t been fucking him lately, you might’ve noticed."
"You would be. If I wasn’t here."
"But you are here, and I’m here too, so it’s like...it’s not even an issue now. Things happened the way they happened."
"It’s weird how they happened."
"Yeah."
They fall into silence for a moment, and Jim rolls over onto his side, looking at Sulu. His eyes are closed, features lax, hands playing with the folds of his t-shirt.
"Do you really love him?" Sulu asks - Jim watches his lips shape the words and considers.
"I mean, yeah. You know that from all the shit I’ve said before. He’s my best friend. He’s like...I dunno. He’s special."
"Does he fuck good?"
"Why are you even asking?"
Sulu shrugs, tries to scratch his nose and hits himself in the face.
"I dunno. We like...live together now and we’re stuck together so it seems like we should be talking about your boyfriend."
"He’s not my boyfriend."
"Highly dubious."
"Seriously." Jim tucks a hand under his chin, studies the shape of Sulu’s ear, wonders why they’re talking about this and why he isn’t fighting for Bones harder. "We didn’t get that far. Maybe if this hadn’t happened we’d’ve talked about it, but like...I dunno, we started sleeping together and it was awesome. Yeah, I would probably be with him right now if you weren’t here but... you are here and now you and we’re dealing with that. Bones has other shit to think about. I have other shit to think about it."
It’s true, too - Jim has actually avoided having this same conversation with himself, the one where he confronts what he feels about Bones and how that’s changed in a matter of weeks because of this situation. Because of Sulu. He’s surprisingly less bitter about it than he expected - melancholy, sure, but not... bereft. Maybe it’s because he’s not alone. Maybe it’s because Sulu really is his friend, underneath all the moody posturing, and maybe because they’re in this together. Maybe because he feels super lucid but in reality he’s super drunk and Sulu’s ear is fucking amazing right now.
Jim wonders how much of this conversation either of them will remember.
"What were you thinking," Sulu asks, "When we were falling?"
"Mmm?" Jim has to think for a moment. "You mean on Vulcan?"
"Yeah. Did you think of McCoy, or like...did you have a dying wish or something that you thought of?"
Jim narrows his eyes and tries to figure out if Sulu read his earlier thoughts, but finally decides that no, he hasn’t, it’s just natural for him to talk about the thing that'd brought them together to start with.
"Honestly," Jim stretches out a finger, closes one eye and traces the shape Sulu’s ear in the air, "I wasn’t thinking about anything."
Sulu snorts.
"Come on."
"No first I was thinking that...I had to catch you. And then I caught you and I thought ‘shit.’ I guess...I guess maybe subconsciously I was wishing we wouldn’t die, but I don’t believe in no win situations, blah blah blah whatever."
"Mmm."
"What were you thinking about?"
It’s quiet for a few moments. He almost wonders if Sulu has fallen asleep. The thought makes him feel lonely and needy.
"I was thinking that maybe I was supposed to end up dead and I’d just gotten out of the way for a few minutes."
"What do you mean?"
Sulu opens his eyes and stretches his arms out in front of him towards the ceiling, hands moving in the air like slow spaceships.
"Dude okay, cuz McKenna got lungworm right, I got put on the Enterprise. I’m sure of it. If he hadn’t been sick I bet I would have ended up somewhere else. On some ship that got there first and got blown apart. So like...I won that lottery. I cheated death that time. So then we were falling and I was like ‘oh, I guess not. I guess I’m supposed to end up dead after all.’"
"That’s really fatalistic of you."
Sulu’s hands come together; somewhere pieces of broken ships still orbit a dark star.
"I can’t help thinking about it sometimes. How weird shit is sometimes. I made it through the first attack and then I was falling and then you were there..."
"But wait," Jim is tempted to reach out, run his fingers down Sulu’s arm. "What if you were supposed to be on the Enterprise even if McKenna wasn’t sick? He wouldn’t have left the brake on, so we would have gotten there with everyone else and we would have ended up dead anyway."
Sulu furrows his brows and purses his lips.
"...I guess that’s true."
"It’s all chance, dude."
"It’s weird how things happen."
"Yeah. You said that already."
"I did? Cool."
Sulu finally turns his head and then they’re looking at each other. It feels soft and close. The bottom drops out of Jim’s stomach.
Wait. Shit.
"So um, I’m gonna throw up," Jim says.
Sulu’s face is comically horrified and he apparently remembers how to sit up now, dragging Jim with him, and then they sort of speed-crawl to the bathroom. Sulu sits behind him, rubs his back, wipes his neck with a washcloth. It’s not hangover cure in a hypo like Bones might have, and his hands are smaller, not as precise, but the touch is soothing, comforting, home-like, and it pulls him out of the toilet bowl when he starts to doze off.
"Come on, Jim."
He’s so tired and remember when he and Sulu fell? Remember when he slept with Bones but now Sulu’s around, now he’s with Sulu, not with with but with and-
"I’ve got you."
Sulu’s got him. That’s pretty okay, and it was Sulu’s turn anyway.
-
There’s a party in his mouth, and everyone is undead.
Jim opens his eyes and makes a face, apparently accompanied with a dramatic groan because there’s a half-laugh behind him.
"Fuck," he says, rolling onto his back with his hands pressed over his face. "Everything is bad."
"I know, right." Sulu is curled up with his PADD on his side of the bed. "I couldn’t get up to get the ibuprofen."
"Shit." Jim eyes the distance between the bed and the bathroom, then looks at Sulu. "Sorry."
"For what?"
"I dunno, getting drunk and then getting sick."
Sulu shrugs and honestly looks a little amused.
"Whatever. We drank a lot. It made sense at the time." He frowns a little."Rough news and stuff. Since we’re men, we don’t talk about stuff or our feelings, we drink them away."
"Mmm." Jim takes a deep breath. "Right. It’s now or never. We make our assault on the bathroom."
"I think you assaulted it pretty well last night," Sulu says lightly, but sets down his PADD and they make their painful, staggering journey.
Jim brushes his teeth, washes his face, then waits for Sulu to do the same. They pound back the maximum dose of painkillers and a full glass of water each, then make a stumbling way to the replicator for coffee and bacon, and finally sit down on the couch only after Sulu makes the bed.
"Why do you do that?"
"Hmm?"
"The bed thing. It’s like...a tic or something, you always seem to have to do it."
Sulu looks a little sheepish, and there goes the shirtcuff into his mouth for a moment.
"Well," he says around it, "My mom was kind of strict about us all making our beds growing up, and so...I dunno, I just like the way it looks. It makes things just a bit cleaner."
"You know you don’t need to do it."
"No, but...I want to," he says, and then adds, quietly. "I like doing it, it’s the least I can do since I’m living here with you."
"Oh." Jim blinks, feeling...well he’s not sure what he’s feeling, but it’s pretty positive. "Sure, you can make it all you want, I can even unmake it several times a day if you’d enjoy that."
Sulu laugh-snorts at him, and picks up the PADD he’d retrieved on the way, and makes a few taps - the viewscreen in front of them lights up mid-movie.
"What are we watching?" Jim splays over half the couch as Sulu folds himself up in his corner. "And why don’t I get to choose?"
"‘Barefoot in the Park,’ and it’s my hangover movie." Sulu sips his coffee. "Jane Fonda and Robert Redford. When you feel this bad, it’s nice to look at pretty things."
Jim snuffles a little and puts his foot up very close to Sulu’s thigh.
"You really dig the retro stuff, don’t you. Your whole movie collection is like...circa 1973."
"I have a style."
"And your music too. It’s a little...interesting."
"Look, shut up, I get enough of this from Pavel. I like what I like and I held your proverbial hair back last night, so I get to watch what I want, okay?"
"Fine, fine." Jim smiles. "I’m just teasing." He sucks on a piece of bacon thoughtfully for a few moments. "What’s going on?"
"It’s about these two people who know each other like a week and they fall crazy in love and get married, but she’s all free-spirit-y and he’s all establishment, and this is the part where they’re having a fight about how he doesn’t know how to deal with her cavalier-ness and she decides that obviously they’re too horribly different so they can’t actually be together."
"So kind of an odd couple type thing."
"Yeah. Only sexier."
"Do they actually have sex? Because that would be hot."
Sulu rolls his eyes.
"It’s not that kind of movie."
"Bummer." Jim eats his bacon and burns his tongue on his coffee. "But do they stay together? Even though they’re tremendously different and have to learn to deal with each other?"
"I don’t know, Jim, maybe if you’d shut up and watch you’d find out."
"Fine, fine, point taken."
So he does. And the movie is cute. It’s nothing to write home about, but it’s sweet, and Jane Fonda’s character eventually has to be the responsible one, and save her fever-drunk husband from his own attempts at being a free spirit, and everything is reconciled and everyone presumably lives happily ever after.
"That was nice," Jim says, a little bit surprised at himself.
"Mmm." Sulu’s thigh has slid over a little - it’s now touching Jim’s foot. It’s very warm where they meet. "What do you want to watch now?"
"Um," Jim considers, "Do you have anything else with Jane Fonda?"
"Red-heads, huh?"
"Yeah totally."
"I have something you’ll like, I think."
Sulu puts on "Barbarella: Queen of the Galaxy," and Jim is immediately thrilled. Jane Fonda writhes around naked, the music is awful, and her entire spaceship is covered in orange shag carpeting. That anyone would have imagined the future this way is hysterical, and soon they’re both laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of the past, the plot, and the elaborately furred costumes.
And then there’s a machine that seems to just be a giant cosmic space-vibrator, and Jane’s minutes of orgasm start to get to him. Sulu seems a little affected too, shifting in his seat and clearing his throat every so often.
They need to have that talk, Jim decides. Right now.
"So um...Sulu."
"Jim?"
"We’ve put this off for a while, and I think it’s time that we talk about sex."
Sulu looks like Jim has just asked him to bend over and spread, and Jim is again amazed (and oddly charmed) by the wide array of facial expressions Sulu has, and he wonders how many more he has left to see.
"I’m sorry, what? I’ve had this talk, Jim, with my father many years ago."
"I mean with you and me." Now he looks like he’s about to scale the wall and Jim rolls his eyes, less-charmed just that quickly. "Not like that. Look, I’ll lay it out. I like sex. You know I like sex. People on moons yet undiscovered know I like sex."
"Jim I know it might sound unfair and I’m sorry, but I am not going to sit by and just let you fuck McCoy right in front of-"
"Would you let me finish, Christ!" Jim rubs a hand through his hair. "No, I mean...I’m used to a higher quantity....I like..." And now Sulu looks so ridiculously mortified that Jim just says it. "I like to jerk off several times a day. I don’t know what your schedule is like, but my personal needs are not being met."
Sulu is quiet a minute, then he shrugs.
"I’ve just been doing it in the shower. I assumed you were too."
"Yeah, but...I dunno, it’s just something I do. If I’m bored, if I’m on lunch and I have a few minutes to come back to my room by myself. It keeps me sane."
"Are you suggesting that your actions up until this point hinge largely around your inability to vigorously manhandle yourself more than once a day?"
Jim gapes a little at the expression, laughs slightly, but ultimately nods.
"I guess you could say that."
"So...what, are we supposed to make a ‘Jim’s Jerk-Off Schedule?’"
"Well, I wouldn’t mind."
"That kind of gross, dude."
Jim shrugs.
Sulu’s shirtcuff is in his mouth yet again, and he chews for a bit this time while he considers.
"Okay how about you just tell me when you need some time alone and I’ll...go in the bathroom or you’ll go in the bathroom and...whatever."
Jim blinks.
"You’re really okay with this?"
"I’m not some masturbation nazi."
"Yeah I’m pretty sure no one has ever called you that. Or wanted to call you that."
Sulu rolls his eyes and goes back to the movie.
So that’s settled. But now that the door is cracked, Jim wants to push it open further.
"So speaking of redheads-"
"Yes, I had sex with Gaila, Jim."
"Damn, I didn’t even finish, how did you know!"
"You were really obvious about it."
Jim raises and eyebrow and grins, sizing Sulu up even as the other man seems to try to hunch further into his sweater.
"Look," he says, "I may not have the experience that you do, but I have had sex. I lost my virginity my first week of Starfleet."
Jim couldn’t be more pleased that Sulu has volunteered this information himself. Now they’re really getting friendly.
"Oh really."
"Yeah, it was pretty lame, too, because she couldn’t even say my name right. Kept pronouncing it ‘Hick-uh-roo.’"
"Ouch."
"Yeah. And I did a pretty shoddy job of it. Gaila taught me some stuff so when I got a girlfriend my second year I was a lot better."
"I didn’t know you had a girlfriend."
"We didn’t know each other at all, Jim." Sulu raises an eyebrow.
"Well yeah, then, but we've been hanging out for a while now and this is brand new information about you!" he leans forward and actually puts a hand on Sulu’s thigh; there’s an audible fizz of tension between them, but Sulu doesn’t pull away. "We’re totally really bonding now."
"t’s not even that interesting, Jim." He tries to sound ineffectual but he’s smiling a little (just barely), he’s actually smiling and that makes Jim’s grin even bigger. "But I do okay giving head. I mean, on girls."
"Have you ever been with a guy?" Jim can feel his heart speed up as he asks.
Now Sulu starts to move away a little.
"No, I mean...there’s just... never been any guy I really wanted to get with." He looks away. "We don’t all have McCoys in our lives."
"And Chekov isn’t your type." Sulu glares at him. "Right, I got it. But like, okay, so hypothetically, if there was some guy that you liked...would you go for it?"
And once again with the shirtcuff. Jim won’t be surprised if it’s totally destroyed by the end of this.
"I dunno. I’ve only ever been with girls before, it might be weird. I wouldn’t know how to kiss a guy or anything. And guys don’t have magical self-lubing orifices, I’d be so confused."
"But suppose, Sulu, that there was one guy-"
"How come you don’t call me by my first name?"
"Okay, Hikaru, if this magical wonder guy existed, someone who had all the qualities that you like in a person of either gender and was sexy and liked you back...would you go for it?"
"Look I don’t know, Jim, okay?" Sulu slams shut to him, pushing his hand away and clutching his coffee mug like a life preserver. "It’s never come up so it’s not even a big deal and I dunno why you care. We’re missing the movie."
Jim blinks at the change, but decides not to push it. He retreats back to his side of the couch, but spends more time watching Sulu than Jane, wondering. Thinking.
And then it ends.
"I think I want to spend some time in the bathroom," he says.
"I’m gonna need it after you," Sulu says, and doesn’t make eye contact for the rest of the day.
-
>From: McCoy, Leonard H.

Hey kid, I know yesterday was rough, but I didn’t get any calls from Sulu that you aspirated or anything, so I guess you survived the night. I just want you to know that Spock and I aren’t going to let what happened to the others happen to you. And the Cavians didn’t try everything, and although there’s something to their theory that the bond gets stronger over time, that may apply to their own physiology. Spock had some insights last night while I was indisposed (read: cleaning up after you), and he deigned to share them with me despite his obvious displeasure at my less than professional state when I got to work this morning. He’s something, that’s all I’ll say.

Actually, I’ll say a little more, just that you may want to consider doing something nice for him at the end of all this, because he’s really incredible. I’ve said some assedly stupid things about him before, but there’s no one else I’d want to be in charge right now. I know you’ve been keeping up on the Starfleet paperwork, but you should know I’ve passed some things on too - stuff about how obviously we don’t need to get another captain or stop at any starbase because he does a damn fine job as interim Captain, and you’ve been advising him as best as you’re able, so it would be detrimental for us to change any plans. Not to mention that as your personal physician, I’m best acquainted with your "unique" immune system, etc., and I simply can’t leave you in anyone else’s hands.

Anyway, I’ll get back to you, of course. Don’t worry, neither one of you is going to have to die.

-LHM

-
There are other things for Jim to think about.
The bond. The distance. The chance of death. How long it’s been since he actually sat in his chair on the bridge. What’s going on between him and Bones. What’s going on between Bones and Spock for that matter, because Bones is suddenly the head of the Spock Fanclub. Or at least that’s how his emails read, and when they spoke over the comm last night, it was clear that Spock had been in the room too.
But all Jim can concentrate on right now is Sulu in the shower.
Part of him thinks that maybe he should feel like a creep, or a jerk-pervert, or even guilty that he’s shamelessly ogling another man when there’s that Bones thing. He does feel guilty about that a little, but maybe less when he considers Bones’ new Spockery but the fact is that since their conversation, since the moments after the movie when Jim got off in the bathroom and then heard Sulu rub one out right after and came out looking dirty and embarrassed but so relaxed...
The glass on the shower door is surprisingly clear despite the water droplets, so Jim has an excellent view of Sulu’s ass when he finally decides that for once he’s not just going to sit back and close his eyes. He lingers there a moment, then traces his gaze down Sulu’s thighs, his calves, then back up, up, over that ass again -that ass- and up his muscular back. Sulu has great arms too,he thinks, It’s a shame he’s always hiding them under long sleeves.
He’s so transfixed by the ropes of suds slipping down along Sulu’s spine that it takes him a little to realize that Sulu’s doing exactly what he said he did every morning: he’s jerking off. Jim’s heart jumps into his throat and he leans forward - what if he can see Sulu’s cock?
What if he can see Sulu’s cock while he's touching it?
Jim’s own dick is wide awake at the thought, heavy and hot in his pajama bottoms. He presses his hand against the base, closing his eyes, trying to hear if Sulu makes any little breathy sounds while he strokes himself, trying to imagine what Sulu's face looks like, if he’d toss his head back when Jim takes his cock in his mouth and-
Oh. Oh shit.
It must be the bond. It has to be the bond. Jim doesn't think of Sulu that way, except that one time, and that other time, and suddenly he’s counting all the times that Sulu ended up in his fantasies along with Bones or even instead of Bones -oh god what is going on- and then the water isn’t running anymore. The door is opening. He slams his head back into the wall as he pretends like he was just sitting there with his eyes closed, minding his own business, and not wanting to suck his pilot’s cock like a popsicle in July.
"Hey, you okay?" Sulu asks, and Jim tries not to hear the soft rub of the towel against that tan wet skin.
"Yeah." Jim says, stars flashing in the corners of his vision as he looks anywhere but at Sulu. "I think I’m gonna shower again too if that’s okay."
"Uh, sure, okay. I’ll just brush my teeth and stuff."
"Right, great." Jim sheds his clothes and doesn’t care if Sulu watches.
He kind of hopes he does.
-

>From: McCoy, Leonard H.

Jim, I know I haven’t been by in a few days, but I hope things are okay. I know you and Sulu have been using your gym time and I think that’s great. Spock and I are coming up with a new theory, and we’re gonna need both of you in good health when the time comes to put it in action.

I feel like there’s things you and I have been supposed to talk about, but the time is never right, and not having any privacy makes it difficult. We may have to do it in writing, which I know is awkward and I’d prefer face to face, but it is what it is. And also I know we both have a lot on our plates, so right now may not even be the time.

Let me know, and keep looking after yourself.

-LHM

-
It’s all he thinks about now.
He falls a few steps behind Sulu when they run so he can watch the way Sulu moves. He studies the way Sulu sits and pays more attention than necessary to his crotch. He lets his eyes linger on his upper arms when he changes shirts.
And he loves, loves, loves shower time.
In fact he’s considered purposely spilling various things on Sulu so he’ll have to shower more times in a day, but that would just start getting weird. Sulu already looks at him like he’s growing extra appendages.
It has to be the bond. The bond, the sexual deprivation, just flat-out being touch starved since Sulu is very careful to keep his personal bubble unbreached as much as possible, and Bones is never around anymore and all his messages are full of glowing Spock-adoration. Any of it, all of it, it’s just a firestorm of imperfect irritations and inconveniences and Jim runs for an hour on the treadmill just to tire himself out enough that he won’t think about Sulu’s body.
And then.
-
An arm across his waist. Soft breath behind his ear. A hard ridge against his ass.
It’s Jim Kirk’s Ideal Morning Scenario (TM) and it takes him a moment to register what makes this one particularly notable.
It’s Sulu holding him.
And he’s not just holding him, he’s spooning him, he’s wrapped around him carefully, like Jim is a special toy, a special sexy toy judging from his erection. In the nearly two months they’ve been together, this is the closest they’ve been. It’s markedly different from the way Bones had felt on that morning a different world ago, but it’s still warm and safe and good, almost unbearably so.
Jim is definitely, unbearably hard.
He holds his breath; it doesn’t get better. His heart must be loud enough to wake Sulu, but Sulu doesn’t wake up and that’s somehow even worse.
So he does what is the Jim thing to do, what he wants to do, because it feels like forever since he’s been held and touched and fucked and wanted - he pushes his ass back against Sulu’s hips, and moves.
Sulu wakes up with a start, swearing and flailing, practically shoving Jim away and attempting to front-crawl through the blankets back to his side of the bed but Jim grabs his wrist.
"Hey. Sulu."
"I’m sorry, I don’t even know what happened-"
"Sulu."
"Dude it’s just like...I mean I try to stay on my side but sometimes-"
"Hikaru."
And Sulu is still, eyes wide and...and something, something Jim can’t parse but that almost looks like guilty want wavering in them.
"I’m sorry, Jim," he hisses. "We don’t even have to talk about this."
"What, so it’ll be like that night in Tahoe we never talk about either?"
Sulu furrows his brow.
"What about it."
"Well it happened. We slept together before this mess. It wasn’t an accident then, was it?"
"You...it was you in Tahoe, this was my mistake, I just..." Jim has never seen Sulu this flustered, this unbalanced, and he struggles toward the edge of the bed. "I need to take a shower I really smell I’m sorry about that-"
Jim surges across the bed to grab his wrist. Sulu flails, hand smacking the table on his side and the room remote on top of it and suddenly Janis Joplin is belting out that you have to "Get it while you can, get it while you can, don’t you turn your back on love," and Sulu is falling onto his back and Jim is climbing on top of him and kissing him.
And kissing him.
And Sulu is kissing back.
It’s not like the first time he and Bones kissed. There aren’t fireworks or choruses and it tastes all morning-y and sour, but there’s hands dragging up his back, pushing up into his hair and cupping the back of his head, holding him close and kissing him the way Sulu punches, sharp and fierce and meaningful. Jim plants his hands on the mattress and bears down on him bodily, hips aligning even though Sulu is a few inches shorter. And then he pushes and Sulu groans into the kiss, or maybe Jim’s groaning into the kiss, but it’s so good.
It’s so good.
Janis keeps singing and Jim can’t help but obey, he’s going to get it while he can this time, it’s been so long. He reaches between them, cups their clothed cocks together and rubs, thrusts, grinds and ruts against Sulu who digs his fingers into Jim’s shoulders and bites at his neck and comes hot and wet in his own pants. When Jim finishes a few seconds later, he’s certain it’s the best orgasm he’s had in two months.
And then there’s just breathing. Just breathing.
After a few moments, Sulu pushes at him weakly and Jim rolls off to the side, realizing that he’s smiling hugely. He glances at Sulu, and by the grace of good things, Sulu is actually smiling too.
"So um." says Jim. "That happened."
"Yeah." Sulu nods, tries to stop smiling, fails. "What are you smiling about?"
"I dunno," Jim raises an eyebrow, "What are you smiling about?"
"I dunno." Sulu repeats, then laughs softly. It’s a fantastic sound. "Are we gonna talk about this or not talk about this?"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Maybe. Not sure yet. I really do need to take a shower now though."
"Can I come?" It’s out of his mouth before he even realizes.
Sulu thinks a moment, bites his lip, and looks at Jim sideways.
"Well, you have to, don’t you?"
And while the view is a hundred times better than watching Sulu through the glass, what really makes the experience is getting all his questions about what Sulu looks like when he comes answered up close and personal.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

They don’t talk about it. For several days, they don’t really talk much at all. All their communication is physical; there’s at least one night when Jim falls asleep with lips sore from kissing and tongue scraped raw from Sulu’s teeth. It’s like a strange honeymoon. They run in the gym and fall over into a heap, making out against the treadmills. They ignore at least two of Sulu’s movies a day, exploring each other on the couch and the floor next to the couch. They wrap around each other at night - "like little baby cats!" Jim suggests cutesily and Sulu makes a face- and wake up and it’s awesome. It reminds Jim of when he and Bones first started hooking up, but Bones had never stayed the night. Sulu, by contrast, never leaves. For all intents and purposes, he is home.Work falls by the wayside. Emails go unanswered, even the ones Bones sends, which again, maybe he should feel guilty about. He’s trying, he really is, but two months of unexpected and unresolved sexual tension are working their way through them. Jim almost wonders if it’s actually been longer, if maybe it had started one night when he opened his beer bottle with his belt buckle in California and Sulu looked at him and maybe it had been more than just a simple look. Maybe it was always more than this, and maybe when it’s over it’ll all be back to normal with Bones but for now...for now.Sulu gasps as Jim runs his palms along his abdomen, finger making a soft line from his navel to just above the black, glossier, less curly short hairs, tracing the juncture of his thighs and hips."I really like your pubes," Jim says helpfully, combing his fingers through them, watching as Sulu’s cock (and it is a nice cock, Jim is so pleased) twitches slightly."Yeah, well you must, because you’re like, grooming them."Jim "hmms" and nuzzles at the base, licking a little. Sulu’s skin tastes differently than Bones’, but there’s kind of familiarity to it, probably from the bond, probably from sharing a bed for longer than anyone else in Jim’s life. They don’t talk about that either, but that’s not what’s important right now, honestly. What’s important is the way the thick vein on Sulu’s cock feels against his tongue and-"Do you want me to um...you know, suck you off?"Jim blinks and looks up."Do you want to?""Well," Sulu hedges, still uncomfortable at being exposed like this. Jim secretly finds that adorable, Sulu’s shyness in spite of his actual sex drive. "I feel like I should, but...I don’t know what to do. Like I said, I’ve never been with a guy, I don’t...I know how it works in theory, but..."Jim sits up and back on his heels, undoing the strings of his own pants and pushing them down."Don’t worry. I’ll teach you everything.""Way to take one for the team, Jim," Sulu’s voice is low, his smile almost dangerous."Captain’s gotta do the rough stuff, right?" Jim grins, and lays back.-
>From: McCoy, Leonard H.

Jim, never got a response from you on that thing I mentioned in the last email, so I’m guessing that means you don’t want to talk about it right now. That’s fine, it’s a rough time for all of us. Spock thinks we’ve isolated the problem proteins, and we’re running some data back and forth with the Cavians. I’m thinking it’s only gonna be another month tops, and then you and Sulu will be back to normal and I’ll have a normal sleep schedule and I’ll stop waking up with Spock looming over me.

Tell me how you’re doing, though, okay? I feel like I never talk to you anymore. I know I’ve been busy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t bother me - it certainly never stopped you before. And Spock wants to make sure your mental faculties and captaining abilities are still up to par, so just check in with one or both of us. Chin up as ever.

-LHM
-Sulu makes a rule: they have to go to the gym and behave properly - work out without working on each other, go home and work for a while and pretend like they’re functional members of Starfleet...and then they can play with each other.Jim whines and makes a small scene largely for his own benefit but agrees to it, even though he spends a lot of his designated "working" time trying to think of what new and exciting things he can teach Sulu. He’s been holding back some stuff, not wanting to push too hard or too fast, but with every email Bones sends it sounds like they’re getting closer to the end of this thing, and when it’s over, everything will probably be back to how it was.Which is fine, Jim thinks, but there’s something he’d like to do first, before he loses the chance. It’s not a notch in the bedpost, but it’s a personal thing.And fuck but it’ll be fun too.Jim’s sitting next to Sulu, on the couch, waiting for to him finally finish chatting with Chekov."Are you kissing and telling?""No," Sulu blushes. "I just...I was saying that things are going okay.""Only okay?""Maybe a little better than okay." Sulu eases into a smile, and Jim wants to kiss it."So I had an idea," Jim attempts to look casual and suave when really he feels about as ungrounded as his very first away mission. If Sulu says no... "If you’re interested. And if not, that’s totally cool."Sulu raises an eyebrow."Uh-oh.""Yeah, um, so..." Jim finds he can’t actually look at Sulu; he settles for sort of staring past him, and initiating sex was never this hard before. He’d never felt like there was something to lose. With Bones it was sort of...understood that it would happen, but Sulu is so skittish, so unknown even after all this time, and actually, is it okay to be asking this when he doesn’t know what’s going on with Bones? They'd never nailed anything down and Bones knows that Jim has these urges, right? He’ll understand, right? "Will you fuck me?"Sulu stares at him. Jim starts to sweat."I mean you don’t have to, like I said, it’s fine if you don’t want to, I just thought that you know, since I was teaching you other stuff, other...sexy stuff and since we...have a thing going right now-""We have a thing?" Sulu’s voice is cautious."Well maybe not a thing-thing, but like...we’re doing each other right now, aren’t we? So why don’t we really do each other."Silence."Or not."More silence."I’m not asking you to let me fuck you, and yeah I guess ‘fuck’ is kind of open to interpretation since we’ve been doing kind of fucking already, but I’d really like to do anal with you and-""Jim, stop talking."He shuts his mouth with an audible click, wondering if he looks as stupid as he feels, squirming under that dark gaze that he’s still unable to fathom. it occurs to him that bad ideas or not, strange intentions or not, he wants to impress Sulu. He’s never really wanted to or had to impress anyone before, at least not in his bedroom."It was a dumb idea-" He starts to stand up. He’ll go sit in the bathroom and hide or...something. Sulu grabs at the corner of his shirt."I don’t...I don’t know what to do."Jim can hardly breathe."Is that a yes?""I don’t know if I’ll even be very good at it.""Is that a yes?"Sulu gives an exasperated sigh and the tension seems to break; Jim feels light and free."Yeah. I’ll fuck you. But-"Jim puts a finger on Sulu’s lips and then kisses him around it, and that’s that. He vaguely remembers doing that before, doing it before asking someone else to fuck him...never mind for now. He’ll deal with that later. His conscience can wait."Didn’t I say I’d teach you everything? You’re in good hands, Sulu. The best."-Jim Kirk has had sex before.Jim Kirk has had a lot of sex before.He’s been pressed against alley walls and fucked hard, he’s been petted all over and treated like some kind of sex kitten half-twink. He’s done the penetrating and been penetrated and found that he liked the latter better. There’s always been a special thrill to it, a distinct appeal that he just knows within himself that this, this is his favorite thing: to give up the control he’s been struggling with for his whole life to someone, if only for a few moments.Before Bones, it was never to someone he trusted with his life. And that was fine; that wasn't what he wanted out of sex, no magical connection or feeling beyond lust or frantic need. Before Bones, it hadn't been difficult to look at the person he was going to have sex with and know that they might be gone in the next fifteen minutes.But he realizes now, watching Sulu roll the condom on and lie back, that things are different. That maybe Bones ruined him because he’s going into this knowing that he actually trusts Sulu with his life too, that Sulu won’t leave, the fact that he can’t something he doesn't want to consider, and that makes it more exciting somehow. Sulu will have to stay and if it’s the worst sex either of them has ever had they’ll have to learn to laugh about it or get past it and it makes Jim feel like a grown up.And if it’s the best?Well...not counting chickens before they hatch and such.Sulu is shaking, breathing hard as Jim straddles him, and his own heart starts pounding, pulsing hard and red in his chest and this is not a place he ever expected to be, with someone he never expected, and-"Don’t hyperventilate on me," he says softly, grabbing the lube from where Sulu helpfully put it on the nightstand and squeezing it onto his fingers, reaching back to rub it into himself. Not that Sulu couldn’t do it, but he has his hands firmly on Jim’s hips like he’s holding on for dear life, all over again, and he doesn’t want him to let go."I’m good." Sulu’s voice is raspy, low and delicious, and Jim is hot and dizzy, taking Sulu’s cock and pressing it against his hole. Then slowly, carefully, he bears down on it, trying to push it in with one hand and then lets gravity do the rest for them."Oh fuck," Sulu hisses, eyes fluttering closed, hands flexing around his hips. Jim realizes he’s holding his breath. He physically cannot let it out; it feels like it’s been forever, like Sulu is huge and will never end and then he’s fully seated and it’s like... honestly, it’s like a revelation.Jim Kirk has had sex with a lot of people, but he’s never actually had time to stop, to think, to look down at his helmsman, under him, around him, in him. Maybe it’s the bond; he knows, he knows, he knows he’s been using that to explain an awful lot between them recently, but it has to be doing something to him, to both of them. Sex shouldn’t be an epiphany like this, it shouldn’t be like a earthquake, shaking and misplacing everything inside him. The bond has to at least account for how stupidly, amazingly good this feels.Or maybe it’s that it’s been a long time, and he wants to be fucked and touched.Something like that.Jim realizes then that he’s been sitting on Sulu’s cock for what probably feels like a million years, and says the first thing that comes to mind: "Oh fuck, Hikaru, you’re inside me."Sulu looks at him like that’s the most idiotic, beautiful thing he’s ever said, and half-smiles."Yeah. I am."And then he rolls his hips slightly, experimentally, teasingly; Jim swears that there are explosions behind his eyes and deep in his stomach something twists and aches and is perfect.Sex through the bond? Yeah. It’s awesome.-If everything before was like a honeymoon, he’s not really sure what to call what’s happening now.Every surface of the room. Every inch of the floor. On top of papers and amidst PADDs and books and vids. On his hands and knees, on his back, on his side, until they both have bruises from running into the coffee table, rug burn from the carpet, and scrapes from the edges of shelves.In a matter of days, Sulu officially becomes the person Jim has had the most consistent sex with in his entire life, and that’s saying something. That’s saying a lot. Once all the reservations are gone (and Jim did have some really, really), Sulu takes to his new role like a champion. Every time he fucks Jim he does it like he means it, like there’s not anything outside of those moments, twisted impossible words changed in the space between gasping lips and their bodies just molding together.And when they stop, when they finish, after has opened up to him, Sulu finally opens up back . They lay next to each other and Sulu talks - more words and stories than Jim has ever heard from him. He talks about his sisters, how close he and Kirana were before she graduated high school, how proud he is of Akiko and how he hopes no boy or girl ever ruins her beautiful sense of self, how much he secretly likes the moments when they’re together and keeps a picture of them all asleep on each other’s shoulders in the back of the family SUV on his comm. He talks about his parents, how he wants to make them proud and how he stayed up late with his father trying to figure out if he should try to fly or stick with botany, if he should go to Cal or enroll in Starfleet and be the first person in his family into space. He tells Jim about Chekov, who understands him in a way no one else ever has, about his ex-girlfriend Tana that he was certain he wanted to marry when he was 19, about how he’s always liked smaller dogs and playing with kids.Jim listens and listens and the more he listens the more he likes it, the more he enjoys hearing Sulu’s voice, the way he tells his stories, and the way his voice hitches when Jim interrupts him with a playful touch or kiss. And it makes him want to talk too, and then he finds himself just spilling information about everything, everywhere: growing up in Iowa and how tipping cows is actually really harmful to said cows and no one should do it; Sam leaving him alone; being the smartest kid in his class and also the most ill-behaved and having a strange pride in that; looking up at the sky half-wanting it half-hating it for taking his father away. And in the moments when they’re curled up in bed, when Sulu is still inside him or on top of him or just wrapped around him, he tells him things he’s never told anyone, not even Bones. The first time he had sex with a guy who'd also been named James, and realizing that "bottoming" would always be his favorite position. That he was allergic to chocolate until he simply forced himself and his GI tract to tolerate it because he hated missing out.That he wants his mother to be proud of him, almost more than anything.That he’s not sure he’s ever been in love, or that he even knows how.And finally, in the dark:"I’m afraid one of us is going to have to die to get out of this."Sulu is quiet for a few moments."I thought you didn’t believe in no-win situations.""I don’t, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have irrational fears about them."Sulu shifts, throwing a leg over Jim’s, and holds him a little tighter. He’s the big spoon most of the time because, he says, Jim drools horribly when he sleeps, and he doesn’t want to have to wear a raincoat to bed."Well, we could flip a coin.""Hey. I’m actually being serious here." Sulu’s hands seem more real on his chest than anyone else’s ever have, and he’s suddenly aware again of the sensation of falling that seems behind every part of their relationship. He’s never been this unsteady."I know. It’s scaring me. Please stop."Jim rolls his eyes and turns over, looking at Sulu in the dim light. He’s blinking softly, warmly. The bed smells like him now."But seriously, if one of us dies, we should like...promise to do something for them. So what do you want, Sulu?"It doesn’t pass his notice that Sulu wrinkles his nose at Jim’s name choice, but "Sulu" always comes more easily. "Hikaru" is intimate, somehow even moreso than their sex."I told you, I already used up my dying wish.""Well I’m giving you another one." He makes a little gesture. "Poof, there you go. Dying wish reinstated. What do you want?"Sulu’s eyes are still so mysterious to him. He still catches flashes in them, headlights on a night road passing."I’ll have to think about it," Sulu says finally, shifting his shoulders, eyelids low. "Do you already know yours?"For a moment, he thinks: I want to finally know what you’re thinking about when you look at me. It surprises him how much he wants to find out."Yeah, good point, I’ll have to think about it too." He yawns. "So I’ll get back to you, but don’t think we won’t talk about this again.""Mm," Sulu’s eyes are closed now, his arm draped perfectly over Jim’s side. "Right. Yeah.""You know, when you’re not falling asleep.""‘M still awake.""Uh huh, if you’re so awake, why don’t you fuck me again?""Why don’t you fuck yourself," his tone is so warm and gentle and sleepy, it’s lulling Jim there too, "I know you’re capable.""But that’s what I have you for," Jim says without thinking, and suddenly he feels cold. What the hell did that mean? Sulu’s not a fucktoy, he’s a person, he’s Jim’s friend, he’s his now definitely good friend, who’s been with him through this whole thing and whose hand makes such a profound kind of sense on his skin. Even in spite of Bones. Or maybe because of. And isn’t that a quandry.Sulu doesn’t notice, though; he’s already fast asleep. Jim tucks himself against Sulu’s chest and tries to follow him.-The comm is pretty much the most obnoxious sound Jim has ever heard. It drags him out of sleep and he flails at the nightstand, smacking the offending device off of it onto the floor, and he attempts to untangle himself from Sulu and slither after it."Kirk," he says around a yawn, once he’s seated on the floor next to the bed."Jim," says Bones. "Sorry to wake you."Jim has the feeling he’s not actually sorry at all, but that doesn’t matter - just hearing this voice cuts right through the haze and he’s wide awake now, a strangely ominous feeling hovering just to the left of his chest."No problem, Bones." He tugs at a corner of the sheets, pulling it down around his shoulders. "What’s up?""Thought we should maybe have a little chat.""Uh...yeah, about that thing you said in the email, I’ve been meaning to get to that, I just...you know, I’ve been busy. You’ve been busy too, right? I mean, I haven’t seen or heard from you for a bit either, since you’re all buddy-buddy with Spock these days."There’s a kind of thoughtful-if-guilty silence from the other end, and Jim wonders where Bones is -at home? Is he in Sickbay? ...is Spock nearby, and if he is, does that make him jealous?"Yeah, you’re right, we’ve both been busy, and I know there’s...shit we need to hash out, but that’s not actually what I called about.""Oh," Jim is momentarily relieved, then agitated all over again. "Did you and Spock figure out a way to get us out of this mess?"Another awkward pause."‘This mess,’ yeah. We’ve...well we have a plan, but we need to talk it over with you two, so if you could come down to Sickbay when Sulu wakes up.""How do you know he’s still asleep?""Because you’re whispering, Jim." Still another pause, and this is getting stupid, and Jim wishes Bones were here even though he doesn’t need to see him to know exactly what kind of frowning, dour-eyebrowed face he’s making. "You’re sleeping together, aren’t you.""...you know we are, it’s the five feet thing.""Don’t be cute with me, Jim."He sighs."Fine. Yes.""I was afraid of that."And Jim is angry now, and contrite, some kind of horrible angry-contrite mess."So this is about that email.""Look, Jim," Bones is quickly getting exasperated, "I don’t care what you do-""Yeah obviously not, since you’ve been around so much during this whole ordeal.""‘Ordeal’ seems like a strange word to be using when apparently you’ve been too busy fucking your subordinate to check in with the people trying to save your life."Jim glances over the bed -Sulu is still sound asleep, fluffs of black hair just barely visible at the edge of the comforter, then cups the comm close."Fuck you, Bones, you know I didn’t ask for this and you know, if Sulu was willing -and he was- why shouldn’t we have sex? We’re both consenting adults! We can handle this shit!""I never said you shouldn’t. I know how you are. You and I never made each other exclusive promises and I didn’t ask for them."Jim sputters a little, hurt in ways he doesn’t understand."So then what’s your fucking problem?!""Goddammit Jim, this has nothing to do with you and me and everything to do with you and Sulu!""Of course it has to do with you and me, you and me are the whole reason for me and Sulu!""What the hell does that mean?""It means-" Jim actually has no idea what he means, just that somehow this all got tangled up, or maybe it had been tangled from the beginning when he first went to Tahoe with Sulu. "It means you and I really do need to talk, and I miss talking to you about shit that matters." Even saying that sounds wrong, though, because hasn’t he been talking about things that matter with Sulu? Things that matter so much, even, that he’s never said them before? "I just... I miss my best friend."It’s quiet for a little. He can hear Sulu breathing evenly and the heating system kicking on."I know, kid." Bones finally says, sounding resigned and tired. "I miss you too. And I just... I’m trying to... get you out of a mess. That I may have helped make."There’s too much that’s not being said here, and it pisses Jim off because he and Bones have always been straight with each other, but then again...this is different. This has never happened before. But what does he mean "that he helped make?""I don’t recall you making me touch the stupid bonding tree that the Cavians should have put a warning sign on, Bones." Pause. "Unless you being the kind of dick I want to bring home presents for is your fault."
Because that is how it all started, isn’t it? A present for Bones. Bones and...Sulu. Sulu's always been there...
Bones laughs dryly."Maybe. Just...when Sulu gets up, please come down, okay? It’s important." There’s a sound behind Bones, and Jim can hear the low tones of Spock’s voice. Come to think of it, Jim hasn’t spoken to Bones without Spock being present since this all started. Interesting. "Promise me?""I promise Bones. We’ll be down in an hour.""Thanks, Jim. McCoy out."Jim looks at the comm for a long time, too many thoughts about too many things, none of which he actually wants to face or deal with, especially not when the room is toasty and there’s a deliciously pliant man in his bed. He stands up, puts the comm on the nightstand, and firmly resolves to deal with all these Bones-and-possibly-Spock-and-Sulu issues later. After he sleeps for a bit longer.As if on cue, Sulu rolls over, spooning up to him.If this is all the bond, Jim starts to wonder, and then stops.Later. Later.-To their credit, Jim thinks, they’re only fifteen minutes late. Bones doesn’t even roll his eyes at the fact that they both have wet hair, and that alone makes Jim a bit concerned and kind of stupidly suspicious."So," he says, trying to sound light as he sits down on a chair in front of Bones’ desk, Sulu almost in sync at his side. "What’s the prognosis Bones?"Bones looks at them, and then looks at him, and Jim feels a rush of bitter-sympathy - he used to be able to tell what Bones was thinking from the slightest look, and now... he has no idea what’s coming. Has it only been three months? What’s happened between them?Sulu and Spock and bonding trees, oh my, yeah, but... that shouldn’t have changed things, the basic, important things between them. Even though lately all the basic and important things in his life have been shared with Sulu.Spock clears his throat and Bones actually turns to look at him too. Interesting."We’ve come up with what we believe will be a stabilizing therapy to negate the Chuutube effects."Jim’s breath catches."You mean..." he glances at Sulu, who is sitting awkwardly upright, staring at Spock. "There’s a way out of this with no horrible coronary apocalypse?" Bones and Spock exchange a look now, and everyone is just looking at each other and it’s so annoying, why don’t people fucking communicate with words anymore? Jim throws up his hands. "Or not? Come on, what?!"Spock pushes a PADD in front of them and taps at it. A double-helix appears, rotating slowly, and as they watch, certain areas flash intermittently with a blue glow. Spock taps it again, and a fine mist of little green dots progresses toward the highlighted areas."In separating and sequencing your separate DNA patterns, we should have found and been able to recreate your unique signatures, and, with some ongoing gene-therapy applications, be able to stabilize both of your systems."The green mist in the image overtakes the blue flashes, calming them."So it’s not a quick fix," Sulu stares at the PADD. "It’ll be like a treatment plan?""To some degree.""Some degree?" Jim folds his arms. "Really, although you’re doing a fine job with the dramatic tension, here, it’s really getting old."Spock looks unperturbed."You will each require several injections a day for at least a month. These should be fairly unobtrusive and you will of course be allowed to resume duty under medical observation.""Sounds great." Jim slouches a little. "What’s the catch?""Yeah," Sulu is still sitting like there’s something profoundly spiky and intrusive in his ass. "Getting out of this can’t be that easy. The Ambassador made it sound like it was a lot more dangerous."Spock actually looks uneasy now, which makes Jim uneasy, and he looks at Bones. Now he knows what Bones is thinking and he wishes he could go back to when he didn’t."You’re going to pull us apart physically, aren’t you.""What?!" Sulu jerks forward. "We’ll DIE!""What, do you have a better solution?" Bones’ voice is nearly icy. "The other option might just be you dying alone, Sulu, would you prefer that?""Hey," Jim narrows his eyes, "Stop being an asshole. You said...you said you’d get us out of this alive.""And I’d like to Jim, I really would, but the fact is, the bond, the stabilization process they used to codify it... it’s strong stuff." Bones gets up, starts to pace a little, hands folded behind his back; Spock’s eyes follow him every step and this is not the time or the place for jealousy or confusion or relationship...shapes. "The only way to get to the point where your DNA is open to the neutralization process is if we create a kind of trauma and it requires something else to hold onto. Essentially, we’ll be stabilizing you with yourselves this time, but in order to do that..." He stops. Looks at both of them, and it’s a thousand-mile stare, through Jim and beyond him and back around to Sulu. "We’re going to sedate you, drop you both into medically induced comas if we need to, anything we can do to minimize the shock.""There has to be something else." Sulu’s voice is a strange choked hiss."There is no other option, Lieutenant," Spock sounds somewhere near sympathetic. "It is the only way we believe you have a chance to survive the trauma.""There has to be another option!" Sulu actually slams his fist down on the desk, and Jim reaches out and takes his hand.He does it without thinking, just a reflex - like Sulu was falling again and he had to catch him, steady him. It seemed so natural that when he sees Bones’ eyebrows both raised to his hairline it throws him."I..." he starts, letting go of Sulu’s hand and then looking at his own, then at Bones, at Spock, back at Sulu, who is staring at him like he has seven heads and all of them are swearing at him. "If it’s what we have to do, it’s what we have to do, right? I trust you guys. All of you."Sulu clenches both his fists in his lap now, as if Jim’s touch burned him."The longer we take," Spock says, with an uncharacteristic softness, "The more danger we risk of never being able to separate you. Of the bond becoming a fact instead of a effect, and separation resulting in an almost 98.3 percent chance of death.""What’s the percentage now? Of death, from doing this?" Jim hasn’t missed that Spock has been looking at Bones the entire time he’s been talking. "Spock?"Spock looks to him quickly, almost guilty."56.7, Jim.""Well, that’s...not so bad." He tries to smile and Sulu just snorts. "Come on, we’ve faced worse odds, totally. We’ll rock this and then everything will be back to normal."Sulu keeps staring at his hands, for far too long, the room is too close, too quiet."Sure. Fine. Whatever."Jim lets out a breath."Procedure will be tomorrow, then." Bones sits back down at his desk. "Be here at 0800 hours.""You got it, Bones." Jim stands up too quickly, and there’s a few flashes in the corners of his vision. "I’m sure you guys have a lot to do before then... We’ll get out of your hair.""Until tomorrow, Captain." Spock nods at them. "Lieutenant.""Until tomorrow," Sulu repeats, and is first out the door, Jim chasing after him.-The rest of the day is as quiet as the very first one they spent together, and considerably more clothed than most of the recent ones. Sulu obviously doesn’t want to talk, and at this point Jim knows better than to push him. And frankly, he doesn’t want to think about what’s coming any more than he has to. Sure, it’s one of the worse no-win situations of his life, and yeah, he thinks they’ll come through it, but it’s harrowing enough to consider his heart exploding as he lies unconscious on a biobed. It’s hard enough to think that tomorrow everything will go back to normal.That thought makes him pause. Isn’t normal what he wants? For the first time in three months he’ll be able to take a piss by himself without having to tell someone else. He can shower alone and sing as loud as he wants. The whole bed will be his and he can sleep with whoever he wants instead of whoever he has to, and it’ll be great. Even though he didn’t technically have to sleep with Sulu, in fact he really did want to, very, but then there’s that whole Bones issue...Everything will be the way it was. And that’s how it should be. Back to Bones, back to him and Bones and Bones without Spock, back to hanging out with Sulu bi-weekly instead of bi-minute-ly, back to everything he was doing before. That’s what he wants. Right? Right. Of course. It just seems so much less attractive right now, and it’s probably the dark threat of death that’s harshing his proverbial buzz. It couldn’t be anything else, and it won’t be. There’s not time for anything more. Jim does paperwork for a few hours - ties up loose ends, makes some notes for Spock in the event of a worse-case scenario, and then stares at a blank page where he means to write a letter to Bones... but nothing really comes.Sulu has resumed his couch perching, typing furiously and frowning, and then Jim realizes: however it’s going to end, he doesn’t want it to end like this. He puts his PADD down and comes over to the couch, carefully removing Sulu’s headphones despite his annoyed grunt of protest and kisses him. There’s a palpable hesitation, but then Sulu kisses back and it’s...it’s bittersweet is what it is.Jim pulls back."I don’t want our last day to be like this."Sulu rolls his eyes."Don’t sound so overwhelmingly positive about it or anything."Jim smacks his thigh."Fuck off, you know what I mean." He scootches a little closer, feeling...strangely shy. "I just think...I mean, we’re gonna get through this, I know we are, but like... after that things are gonna be-""Exactly like they were before?""Yeah.""Well that’s what you want, isn’t it?"Sulu sounds like he’s far away in a slow cold rain, and Jim studies his cheek, his dark eyes that won’t meet his and it hurts. It hurts because this morning those eyes were looking into him like he was something special and precious important, Sulu held his gaze as he went down on Jim and it was like being swallowed bodily and whole.He can feel his own gaze hardening now."It’s what you want too, isn’t it? Back to normal? Back on duty, back in our chairs. Back to your plant hobbies and Chekov...""Back to McCoy.""Just...back to ourselves."And away from each other. That thought shouldn’t be so painful. Jim shakes his head."Look, whatever happens... I just... it hasn’t been as strange. As I thought it would be."Sulu’s doing that "seven heads and now they’re all just fucking stupid" look at him again."Thanks, Jim. I really appreciate that you were able find it in your heart to decide spending time with me doesn’t totally suck. I know I’m no McCoy, but-"Jim shoves him now, harder than he might need to."Screw you, Hikaru, you are fucking impossible, you know that? I know you know that, because you do it every time we start going somewhere together but even you have to admit that you know what the hell I’m talking about because haven’t we fucking learned anything about each other?!" He folds his arms tightly across his chest. "I just think that we should do something special. Like our last fucking night in Tahoe. You know, like the last time you didn’t want me around but I was there and you ended up having fun anyway."Jim turns away now, biting the inside of his cheek, not sure what he’s feeling or what he’s waiting for, what he wants or doesn’t want Sulu to say. All he knows is that if this is his last night in the universe, he’d like to not spend it at odds with Sulu, feeling like they’re already torn apart."Yeah." Sulu finally says quietly. "You’re right. Sorry."Jim turns back to him, and Sulu’s looking at him, into him with those brown eyes he’s started to get (guiltily) lost in."Thanks." He thinks a moment. "It’s because I called you ‘Hikaru,’ then, right? That’s what got you.""Ugh, fuck you." Sulu shoves him back, and Jim laughs."I found your weak spot!""You’ve found a lot of them," Sulu breathes softly.Jim glances at him for a moment, wondering if he means the marshmallows and the bed making or that spot behind Sulu’s right ear that makes him simultaneously laugh and moan... But there’s not time."What do you want to do, Lieutenant? How do you want to spend the night before the fall?"And to Jim’s surprise, the answer is more simple, more incredibly complicated, than he ever could have expected.Sulu takes his hand."I just want to be with you," he says, like a confession, an apology."Okay," Jim says, squeezing his hand and not trying to read into anything that he’s saying or thinking or feeling. "We can do that."-They make popcorn and replicate marshmallows. They watch movies. They drink -a lot, but not too much- and eat semi-crappy replicated bacon cheeseburgers for dinner. They make out on the floor by the couch and Jim distracts Sulu while he tries to write a note to Chekov."Fuck you, this is supposed to be meaningful and personal!" he laughs as Jim chews on his neck just below the nape. "It’s in case I die and this is the last thing I say to him and it’s going to end up being stupid and it’ll be all your fault and if I die I’ll haunt you forever!""I’m willing to take that chance," Jim nips at his ear, feels him shudder pleasantly. "It’s worth it."They shower together, turning the it on so hot that the bathroom fills completely with steam and they can barely see each other; they wash one another by touch, by scent, hands slipping across wet skin and soap, any and all sounds lost to the rush of water.When they get into bed, it seems like there should be more to words, more conversations, more insults, more something. There’s still so much to say, Jim thinks, So much I don’t know about you. But Sulu is single-minded, hands and mouth determined, and so they have sex.And then they do it again.And again.And Jim would swear that Sulu fucks him within an inch of his life, both their lives, holding onto him like he might never let go even if or after they hit the ground, and there’s a moment where Jim feels like if he pressed his fingers any harder into Sulu’s back that he might be able to reach beyond his skin, into his bones, hold onto him from the inside and maybe never let go.But that’s the bond. It has to be the bond and tomorrow it’ll be gone and everything will be back to normal.Someone comes with a sob. Jim isn’t sure which one of them it is anymore. He’s not sure where either of them begins or ends or if he’s even supposed to know anymore.That’s okay, though, it’s just fine for now. They’ll know again tomorrow.Jim could swear he hears wind as he falls asleep with Sulu curled around him, but there’s no wind in space. No more falling.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

From: McCoy, Leonard H.

Jim, I hope you read this before the procedure.

I kind of have a feeling you’ll be busy, and I don’t blame you, hell I’m sure I’d be busy if I were in your shoes, and I have been busy. Since this all happened, I mean. In more ways than you know.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I’m sure you have too. I wish we could have talked about some things sooner, but I have a feeling there’ll be plenty of time when this is all over and one with - and believe me, I intend to make sure there is an "over and done with" that all of us see.

I just want you to know that no matter what happens tomorrow (or today, depending on when (or if) you’re reading this), I will always be here for you. I promise. All I ask is that you do the same.

See you soon, kiddo.

-LHM
-Sulu is wearing his favorite gray sweatshirt with the chewed cuffs and a pair of Jim’s pajama pants.Jim puts on his "Starfleet Does It In Space" t-shirt and another pair of pajama pants that has a hole in the knee from some intense floor-sex.And they walk to sickbay hand in hand; it wasn’t a conscious decision, but it feels right, and Jim is almost certain, when they walk in the door, that Spock and Bones might have been touching mere moments before they showed up."Let’s do it," Jim says, and they’re led to matching biobeds, each surrounded by too many machines and wires and drips than Jim would like.He takes a deep breath and climbs onto one of them, and Sulu does the same to the other. And as they lay down, Jim keeps looking at him, thinking about that moment on Cavia III when Sulu was still unconscious beside him and he first started to realize what had happened. It seems like a lifetime ago. It seems like no time at all.Bones stands next to Jim’s bed, hypo in hand. Spock stands next to Sulu’s."Ready to go?" Bones’ voice is uncharacteristically soft.And Sulu turns to look at him, and Jim wishes for a moment that he’d had another chance to kiss him, one more time. A good luck kiss. A good bye kiss.That’s how these things always start, he thinks, but Sulu gives him a strange half-smile like a the start of a California sunrise behind the fog."See you on the other side," he says.And then it’s happening.-
He’s seeing the Enterprise in space for the first time he’s running to the bridge with hands and a mouth that don’t work he’s jumping into the sky and he’s falling and then he’s landing and then he’s falling again, he’s falling because he wanted to, he has to catch Sulu he reaches out his hand and he reaches out his hand and he can’t make it, Sulu is out of reach, Sulu is still out of reach, he’s falling faster when they should be falling at the same rate force equals mass times acceleration and he should have caught him but the moment he should catch him Sulu is gone and then there’s nothing except falling, nothing but gravity, there’s no escaping gravity he should never have tried and what about Bones, what about Spock but Sulu, Sulu, and if he had one more dying wish it would have been-
-Jim wakes up with a start, sitting up suddenly, gagging violently, and choking on the nothing that rises in his throat.He drops back to the bed almost as quickly, closing his eyes and panting. There’s a whirlwind in his head and a desert in his stomach and he clenches his fists to find one of them around someone’s hand."Welcome back, kid."And Bones is there, eyes bright (with tears at the corners, good lord), grinning.Jim swallows, and blinks. He’s in a private quarantine room now, boring white walls and quietly beeping monitors, but Bones isn’t wearing any decon suit or even scrubs, just his "Ol’ Miss" hoodie and some jeans. There’s a bottle of bourbon on the next table with an empty glass. It’s like coming home back at the academy, and everything is right."Bones," the name is a relief on his tongue, and he raises his free hand to rub at the bridge of his nose. "I made it, huh?""Flying colors, Jim. Makes me wonder if you cheated the test again.""Heh," he smiles a little, and then it hits him and he sits up with a start again. "Sulu!?""Hey, stop doing that." Bones puts a hand on his chest and pushes him back down. "Sulu’s fine too. His heart stopped for a few minutes, actually, but we got it going again."Something in Jim clenches at that, and he feels nauseous again."But he’ll be okay, right?""Yeah, his vitals are good. Spock’s with him." Bones lets go of Jim’s hand and stands up, stretching a little. "How’s it feel?""How does what feel?" Jim rubs at his nose, wondering at the slight flash of boxer-waistband he could see above Bones’ pants as he moved.And Bones laughs softly, moving back a few steps, until he is, Jim realizes, more than five feet away. No one is next to him except himself. He’s alone again. Just Jim.He smiles."Like everything is back to normal.""Fantastic." Bones turns away for a moment, and then back, hands full of hyposprays."Hey wait a minute, do I really need all those?""Of course you do, Jim. Back to normal, right?""I hate you.""I know. I’ve almost missed hearing it." He presses the first hypo into Jim’s neck entirely too delightedly."I -OW!- missed you too, Bones. Maybe."-Swampy, guttural guitars wake him, and Robert Plant requests, "Oh let the sun beat down on my face," which means it’s Friday, and it’s the first day of the rest of Jim’s life. Again.Or at least, the first day in three months that he’s woken up alone.Jim takes a moment to process and slightly revel in this. The whole bed is his. He can spread out as much as he wants, wrap himself in all the covers without sharing, and he does both of these things in turn. He yawns loudly and stretches and there’s no one to tell him to be quiet or to be careful of hitting. He has to pee and he doesn’t have to ask anyone for permission, so he fairly hops to the bathroom. He showers by himself with the door wide open and sings "Iron Man" at the top of his lungs. When he’s clean he gets dressed in his gold shirt and black slacks and turns a lousy cartwheel across the room because he is Jim Kirk and he is finally back to normal.Bones had released him from sickbay several hours after he’d woken up, and although he felt a little rough around the edges when he collapsed into bed, now he feels amazing, ready to to take on the world, any world, all worlds, a powerful and profound weight lifted off his shoulders.He looks in the mirror and winks at his solo reflection."Ready for duty, Kirk?" He grins at himself, turns around and does a little booty dance for his own pleasure, and the heads for the door. "Come on, Sulu, let’s-"He stops short.
Sulu.
It was just...automatic. Unconscious. Jim does a slow turn, scanning the room. Sulu’s stuff is still there, which makes sense - Bones had said they were keeping him in sickbay longer since his heart stopped, so of course he wouldn’t have come by to get it. Of course he wouldn’t come by in the night while Jim was asleep, taking back his things like a strange not-thief thief.But it’s weird, he realizes, as he looks around the room, looks at the (jarringly) unmade bed, the empty couch. Sulu’s things are here, but Sulu isn’t here.For the first time in three months, Jim really is alone."Back to normal," he says after a few moments, not ready, willing or able to deal with the sudden potential-not-brilliant-ness of the situation. "Everything is back to normal, just how it should be."But it’s not what it should be, not at all. He’s not supposed to feel guilty and not even know who or what he’s feeling guilty about. He’s not supposed to feel weirdly abandoned and alone in the not-great way. He needs someone who can help him sort all of this out, make sense of it. And so he goes to find Bones, because that’s what he should do. Bones will understand. Bones will fix this, even if Jim isn’t sure how or even, why him.-Bones isn’t in sickbay; in fact, the computer tells him, he’s on the bridge, which makes Jim wonder if something’s happened. Once out of the transport he’s ready to sprint to his chair and take command when he’s greeted by a standing ovation of his bridge crew, Spock and Bones at the forefront. Those embarrassing assholes, he should have known.Jim laughs and spreads his arms wide, certain he’s bright red but loving the attention, the company of many instead of just one or even none."Captain Kirk reporting for duty!"He carefully walks through his crew, shaking their hands, patting their shoulders, tousling Chekov’s hair -and Uhura even hugs him. "Oh my god," he pretends to cry, "You missed me too!" Once at his chair, he sits down. And squidges. Then he thinks a moment. He squidges a little more, plays with the settings that Spock has clearly altered in his time as interim captain. And then, once his ideal chair situation is restored, he crosses one leg over the other and grins."That’s more like it."Spock takes his place next to him, and Jim can actually read visible relief on his face, considering for the first time what it meant for Spock to be both acting captain and Bones’ constant research companion and...whatever else. Spock deserves a nice long leave."It’s good to have you back, Captain," he says, and Jim puts a hand on his arm, not caring if Spock flinches slightly."I owe you so much, Spock. I want you to take today off and make some plans for leave. Anywhere you want, as long as you want. It’s the least I can do.""I..." And Spock appears to be speechless, which is new and exciting if I little scary. "I will consider it. I have several projects of my own that I have foregone and it would be remiss for me to depart as soon as you’ve recovered, since there is much to discuss and your ongoing treatment schedule.""I’ll make it an order if I have to, Spock." Spock is looking beyond him now, and Jim looks over his shoulder, to where Bones has taken his usual bridge station just behind the chair. Bones glances at both of them then clears his throat a little. "And you too, Bones, of course.""Yeah, well...I need to be around for a bit to give you your injections, don’t think I’ve forgotten about that. Your next one’s in two hours.""Wow, I’ve never had to try to force people into vacations before." Jim shakes his head a little and sighs. "It’s so hard being me."Bones snorts audibly at that, and Jim laughs."Sulu, take us out of here."There’s a pause, then someone who is clearly not Sulu turns from the pilot’s chair.It’s Ensign Hazel. Her face registers his dismay with a slightly haughty tilt of her pigtailed head, and next to her Chekov gives him what almost looks like an apologetic look. "Lieutenant Sulu is indisposed at this moment, sir. I promise I have proper training to assume his post.""Yeah, of course you do, I just..." He turns to Spock, then to Bones his stomach suddenly full of cold hard rocks, his words coming out in a strange half-hiss. "You said he was fine!""I also said his heart stopped and we were keeping him for observation. He had a rougher time coming back than we expected, so we only discharged him this morning.""Until tomorrow at 0900, he remains on medical leave." Spock says this like it’s not a big deal. "At that point, he will be cleared for duty."His heart pounding for no good reason, Jim takes a few deep breaths to steady himself, confused and annoyed by how quickly his triumphant return has become a less thrilling affair.Not that Sulu’s presence has any direct effect on the number of thrills he feels at any given time, but... he just...
I just thought he’d be here.
But maybe it’s better this way. They can probably use all the time apart that they can get now anyway."Yeah, of course." Jim ignores the way Spock and Bones are totally exchanging annoyingly meaningful looks over his head as he turns back to face the viewscreen."Ensign Hazel, then, take us out.""Yes sir," she says, and pushes the throttle forward.-To be honest, Jim is much less at ease than he expected. He feels like he’s missing something, like there’s something just out of reach or just beyond the edge of his vision. It’s good to be back, it’s so good to feel like a captain instead of a strange pseudo-invalid, but it’s just...there’s not... aargh.Bones calls him into the ready room for his injections and is uncharacteristically non-violent about administering them."Bones," he says, rubbing his neck reflexively after the last one, "Are there any like...side effects to this treatment that you didn’t tell us about?""Why?" Bones looks up, immediately alarmed. "Do you feel okay? How’s your tongue, is your tongue fuzzy? Follow my finger with your eyes..."Jim sighs and pushes his hand out of the way."I feel fine and I can see fine, it’s more of a general inquiry."Bones purses his lips at him for a moment, then leans back in his chair."Well of course we don’t know. We didn’t expect any severe ones, particularly since we’re mostly injecting you with yourself, but it’s normal for you to be a little fatigued or out of sorts, if that’s what you’re feeling. You did just go through a massive physical and psychological ordeal, whether you register it consciously or not.""I mean, yeah, I guess I’m more tired than I expected, and I feel a little run down... but psychological?"Bones clears his throat and rubs at the bridge of his nose with two fingers."Well Jim, you... I mean it’s...separation anxiety wouldn’t be abnormal here."Jim laughs, but it’s not very funny."Separation anxiety? What, from Sulu?""Frankly, yes, Jim. It may not have the same physical effects that a Cavian bond would have, but you’ve also been together nonstop for three months.""Stop, go back, stop." Jim holds up his hands. "What do you mean ‘the same physical effects that a Cavian bond would have?’""I’m liking this new trend where you repeat everything I say. It makes me feel like for once you’re actually listening to me.""And you never listen to me when I tell you you’re not funny, apparently.""Granted," Bones leans back in his chair, looking past Jim a little. "But as far as Spock and I could determine, while your shared DNA was enjoying winding itself together, aside from the immediate physical effects, there are no emotional connotations to a human bond. Not like how the Cavians can sense each other or understand one another through touch. The other day, Spock actually likened a true Cavian bond to a Vulcan one, which we thought might actually be a very interesting course of study to pursue now that-"Jim is getting irritated."Yeah as much as I like hearing you wax poetical about happy fun ‘research’ times with Spock, I’m honestly trying to get a serious answer here.""And I’m giving it to you. There’s no direct correlation between the bond and any emotional transference."Jim feels cold. Cold in his upper arms and then too hot, his throat loose and then tight, his heart might have skipped a few beats and then started up again arrythmically because that doesn’t make any sense, he felt the bond working between him and Sulu, he felt it pulsing and needing, warm and comforting when they fucked, when they so much as touched."Jim?" Bones leans forward. "Jim, it’s okay if you need to take the rest of the day off today.""Yeah, I think...I think maybe I should," Jim stands and stumbles a little, grabbing the chair for support. Bones is quickly beside him, taking his arm."Easy kiddo. I’ll walk back with you."There’s no swell of heat where Bones touches him. This is wrong. Everything is so wrong. But he manages a weak smile."Thanks, Bones. You’re the best.""Only on Wednesdays." Bones smiles. "And it’s Friday. Come on."-Jim spends the rest of the day in his room feeling stupid. He should be in command, he should be up and at them and at everything and ready because he’s been so ready for this, for everything to be back to normal but it’s not, it’s a creepy fake-normal that’s off-kilter and off-color.He sits on the couch but the couch reminds him of Sulu, so he gets up and starts cleaning, dusting, picking up Sulu’s things from where they’d started to make themselves at home and gathering them on the coffee table for when he comes to retrieve them. He strips the bed and shoves everything down the laundry chute, then spreads out clean sheets. He makes the bed and the corners are uneven but he can’t seem to get them right. He vacuums, and he hates vacuuming, but the thought of sitting still is too much to bear.He puts on his gym clothes and heads out the door, fiddling with his music player until he almost crashes into someone in the hallway.Jim doesn’t know what to make of the delight that fills him when he sees it’s Sulu."Hey!" Jim smacks his arm, "Long time no see, right? It’s been like a whole day!"Sulu just looks at him, looks straight through him with a weak smile and no light in his dark eyes, and Jim backs up quickly."Whoa, dude, sorry I completely forgot you were more under the weather.""Yeah," And even his voice sounds poorly, and as he studies him, Jim sees he’s still wearing the same clothes as the last time Jim saw him in sickbay. His hair is in tired greasy spikes; he looks like he got into a fight with a truck and lost very badly. "It’s no big deal, I’m just a little...you know..." He waves his hand aimlessly. "Coming down.""That’s a good way to put it," Jim fights the strange urge to reach out for him again. "It’s a little bit like withdrawal.""Mm, Spock said it might be like that.""...did he? Bones didn’t, that’s weird.""Yeah, well." Sulu makes a slightly sour face. "Spock and I spent a while after I woke up, I probably asked some questions you didn’t. He probably saw some things you and McCoy didn’t either."Jim narrows his eyes - one day apart, and now it’s like it never happened. Sulu is doing that thing again, that horrible moody thing, as if...everything were back to normal. No, not normal, because normal Sulu isn’t like this. It’s more like...nothing has ever been normal, and nothing ever even happened. Any of it."What’s that supposed to mean?"Sulu blinks at him and stuffs his hands into his hoodie pocket."Spock had to meld with me when my heart stopped.""What?!""It’s not a big deal, it was essentially a medical procedure. But you should know as well as anyone there’s...unintended emotional transference-""Neither of them said fucking anything about melding! They said you were fine!""And I am fine! I’m just dandy." The exasperation is evident in his voice, and it’s like he doesn’t care that this is actually an enormous deal. "I was actually on my way to get something to eat, and you’re in your gym clothes that really need to be washed, so you know..." He gestures past Jim."Yeah. Of course." Jim steps aside and Sulu walks past him, doesn’t even look at him, and Jim wants to shake him because two days ago his dick was in Jim’s ass and now... nothing. "You wanna get together in a few days?"Sulu pauses, but doesn’t turn around."I dunno if that’s a great idea.""Why the fuck not?""I dunno," Sulu glances over his shoulder, and for a moment, he can see the laughter, he can see into the man he shared a bed and more with for three months. "I thought once you’ve been through something like that with a person, you never want to see that person again.""It’s not..." Jim starts. "Maybe in a week? You’re gonna have to come get your stuff eventually.""Yeah, I’ll do that soon, I promise. I know you want everything back to normal."And the conversation is over.And Jim is angry.So angry. So unnecessarily and unreasonably angry (and alone) that he runs for a solid hour and once he’s home, doesn’t even shower before he comms Bones with a very simple message:"My room. Now."-"Jesus Christ, where’s the fire?!"Bones is flushed, clearly having run all the way, but that’s not good enough because Jim feels like he’s going to crawl out of his skin if he doesn’t get some answers or some one doesn’t act like they want to be near him.One leg crossed over the other, he jiggles his foot as he glares at Bones."Withdrawal.""What?" Bones kneels in front of him, scanning him with the tricorder. "Are you hurting anywhere, is it-"Jim shoves his hand away for the second time that day, harder this time, with more intent."You said ‘separation anxiety.’ You didn’t say ’withdrawal!’!"Bones blinks at him, then lowers his eyebrows."Am I here because you need company?""You’re here because I ran into Sulu in the hall and he said Spock told him we might have ‘withdrawal’ symptoms, which neither of you seemed to want to tell me!"Bones sighs and gets up, sitting down on the bed next to Jim."I think Spock and I meant the same thing, but said it different ways.""That doesn’t fucking explain why Sulu looks like shit and couldn’t stand to be around me and I’m...I’m...""Lonely?""Yes!" Jim pauses a moment. "Okay so separation anxiety does explain that part, but not why he’d have physical symptoms and I’d have the emotional ones!""Really." Bones’ tone is wary. "And why do you think he’s not having them?""Because he practically ran down the hall away from me! But not before telling me that Spock had to fucking MELD with him to get his heart going again! When were you going to tell me about THAT, Bones?!""I don’t know, Jim, maybe never because technically it’s not your business!""Of course it’s my fucking business!""Really." Bones sits back and folds his arms. "Explain, please. I didn’t know everything Spock does has to be approved by you.""It’s not about Spock, it’s about Sulu! Melding is kind of a huge thing and you’re not supposed to just meld with someone without their consent!""I’m sorry, I believe Sulu gave us clearance to perform any necessary medical procedures, and given the state of things, we thought it might be better to restart his heart more gently than just shocking the fucking bejeezus out of him, sorry you’re not okay with that decision." Jim could just punch him, maybe break his nose too, just like Sulu’s. Sulu’s poor broken nose and the sound he made, that sound had been terrible- "Look, Jim, maybe this is a way to lead into that talk we’ve been needing to have.""Yeah, your fucking ominous ‘talk’ that you keep alluding too but you never actually say it out loud." If he can’t hit Bones physically, he’s going to do it verbally; no restraints tonight, not when he feels like all that’s holding him in check is rapidly fraying thread. "Just come out and say it. It’s about you and me because you were pissed I was fucking Sulu.""Yeah I thought that was a really nice touch, Jim," Bones is clearly in offensive mode too. "A really good decision, too, since it’s not like I kind of thought we might have something going on prior to your giant fuck-up-""YOU!" Jim jabs a finger into his chest. "You fucking said ‘we didn’t make each other any promises’ and now you’re pulling the ‘bawww our relationship’ card! You don’t fucking get to do that, Bones!""And I meant that Jim, I honestly did. You and I? Yeah I wanted it. Yeah I wanted it for a long time and then suddenly it was out of reach and I’ll admit, I wasn’t thrilled that you decided to bang your pilot without any second thoughts, but you know what, I dealt with it like an adult!""What, by getting busy with Spock? Was that what you meant when you kept saying you were working late? Did it take this long to get Sulu and I apart because you and Spock couldn’t keep your hands off each other?""And what if it was about Spock?" Bones’ voice is obnoxiously cool. "What’s it to you, Jim?"His heart drops into his stomach as the latter simultaneously heaves. It’s like an internal rollercoaster and it’s not going to end well. Jim swallows hard."Oh my god. You are totally fucking Spock. You can’t fuck Spock!""I’m not fucking Spock, but even if I was, honestly, Jim, what is it to you? I can do what I want, god knows you do it guilt-free! You’ve been fucking Sulu like it’s the end of the world!""'Guilt-free?' I was totally...and I was BONDED to him!""There is no fucking BOND, Jim, nothing beyond the physical! You fucked him because you wanted to, and because you wanted him!""I do NOT want Sulu!" The words sound wrong and unbelievably cruel even as he forces them out. "I want YOU. You and me, that’s how it’s supposed to be! You’re the one I’m closest to," and that’s wrong too, he told Sulu so much more than he ever meant to, why did he do that, "That’s...we’re supposed to be together? How could that stop?!"And before Bones can deny him or say something else cataclysmic and awful, Jim throws his arms around his neck and kisses him, angrily, painfully, with as much resentment as feeling and the feeling itself isn’t defined, it’s just that...it should be there. It should be something tangible and real like every time before and instead it’s...It’s not like kissing Sulu.But Bones does kiss back, trying to ease the kiss, a hand on Jim’s shoulder... or maybe he’s trying to push him away, which only makes Jim kiss him harder, trying to reach for that thing that made Bones his Bones, that made this make so much sense not so long ago, trying to make everything back to..."Jim, are you here? Sorry about before, I wanted to- oh."Bones jerks back like he’s been burned, and Jim whirls to see Sulu standing in the doorway, face ashen."Why wouldn’t you fucking knock?!" is the first thing out of his mouth, and possibly the worst, because just like that, the way is shut. Sulu looks at him with all the sickened shock anyone’s ever had and possibly more that was stored away in the cosmos for some special occasion."You told me to come by and get my stuff so I did. I just happen to have the door code, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal, but I should have known you’d be getting things ‘back to normal’ as fast a possible.""Sulu," Bones stands up. "You two need-""Shut up!" Jim and Sulu chorus. Jim is on his feet too, ready to pounce or strike or something, but held in place."No I get it, I really get it," Sulu holds up both his hands, his posture radiating contemptuous defeat. "This is all you wanted and now you have it back and as usual I’m in the way, even though it wasn’t my idea at all.""You keep fucking harping on that ‘back to normal’ shit so much, as if you loved being with me this whole time!""Jim," Bones starts."Stay out of it, Bones!""No no, please, let him into it, because he’s always been in it, hasn’t he? I was a stopgap, and you probably thought of him every time I fucking...FUCKED you! You wanted it to be him!""You don’t know what the fuck I want!""Neither do YOU!" And Jim honestly recoils from the rawness in Sulu’s shout, the way it tears out of his throat. "You think you know everything about how this went and how it works but you don’t know a goddamn thing about any of it!""Oh and you’re such an expert!""Well I thought I had some ideas, maybe, but I was wrong. I guess I thought telling you all my secrets mattered, I guess I thought maybe being inside you and coming inside you mattered, but what the fuck was I thinking, everyone tells Jim Kirk their secrets and everyone is inside him because the only person that matters is YOU, and not what you do to people!"This is getting out of hand. So extremely out of hand that Jim actually can’t process it."Lt. Sulu, you are being insubordinate-""Oh now you pull rank. Now.""And you are DISMISSED!""I can’t even-""DISMISSED NOW!"It’s out before he can understand it, before he can take it back Then it’s too late. It’s so too late. It’s beyond too late and everything has fallen and landed and is broken.Sulu stares at him.Bones stares at him.And finally, Sulu takes a shaking breath, stands up straight, and salutes him."As you wish, Captain."He turns smartly, marches over to grab as much of his stuff as he can carry, and is out the door like the empty hateful wind."Jesus H. Christ, Jim," Bones’ voice is a rough whisper.Jim looks down and his hands are shaking. He’s still angry, he’s absolutely enraged, he’s not sure he’s ever going to stop feeling so incensed, so bitter, so utterly wretched...but."Bones," the words are heavy and slow and nauseating. "What just happened?""I’m not entirely sure, kid," Bones sizes him up, eyes narrowing, "But I know what’s about to happen, so you need to turn that way and-"Jim throws up on Bones’ shoes.To his credit, Bones just sighs, "Never mind," and helps Jim to his feet."Come on, bathroom’s this way."-Jim spends a good hour crouched over the toilet, at first because he’s still retching, and then because he’s crying, and it’s not the good kind of crying - it’s the messy, snotty, horrible sobs and mucus and possibly old vomit backing up all the way into his nose, and by the time it’s over he feels like his throat is made of ash and wire and his eyes are about three seconds from falling out.Bones is there next to him, hand on his back, helping him sit down with his back against the sink."Yeah you’ve spent enough time with your head down the bowl now, kid."Jim cough-snuffles and wipes at his mouth and nose in one go and that’s so fucking gross but he barely cares anymore."Bones," he says miserably. "I wish you hadn’t seen that.""What, the part where I thought your knees were gonna come up, or the bit before that?""Everything." Jim pulls up his knees and puts his arms over his head. He feels like a kid, like an embarrassed idiot who shouldn’t be in charge of a goldfish, let alone a crew of four-hundred plus people and a starship. "I messed up and I don’t even know how I messed up.""I’m not gonna lie, you kind of did.""Is it the worst thing I’ve ever done?""Well," Bones hedges a little, and then says, softly, "Maybe a little.""But I do the worst thing I’ve ever done so much that it’s lost all meaning, right?" He raises his head and Bones is there, Bones has always been there for him, and Jim loves him for that, he knows that now; he understands. That’s what Bones is, and what Bones said he would be, and he’s sorry for messing up, with Bones, with Sulu. He’s so sorry and lost. "Right Bones?"Bones laughs softly."Yeah. Pretty much."Jim sighs and closes his eyes, letting his head fall back against the counter."So you and me? I fucked that up? I fucked that up.""Not by yourself." Bones sounds resigned, but not upset. Not ruined. Just thoughtful. "We gave it a good shot, but there were some...unexpected events.""And you and Spock?" He tries to raise an eyebrow but the effort is something awful.Bones has the audacity to look a little bashful and tugs at his shirt a little."Well, I mean...it’s not like that was my intention at all, but...it just kind of started happening and I let it happen. Probably before you even thought about sleeping with Sulu.""That’s why he was always around when we’d talk on the comm.""It’s not like we weren’t actively working," Bones gives him a look, "But there were times when we were together when we weren’t working too.""But not having sex?""Well... I’m not going to say there wasn’t some...possible un-work-oriented touching. But sex, not yet. I think that Spock is trying to stealth-date me. Or trying to stealthily not stealth-date me. I think the question of our relationship -you and me, I mean- was bothering him and he wasn’t going to cross any lines until he knew where his footing would be on the other side." There’s a pause. "We both did things I don’t think either of us anticipated. We both did what we wanted and maybe we didn’t feel as guilty as we should have, but... it is what it is now, Jim. We’re here. We’re still together, just... different than before.""Mm," Jim is so exhausted all of a sudden, and he’s quiet for a few moments. "How long have you known Sulu was in love with me?"Bones makes a noise of surprise, but then chuckles softly."Finally picked up on it, huh?""I’m a fucking idiot." He presses the heels of his hands to his eyes. "I’m so fucking stupid.""I’ve been suspecting it for a while, honestly," Bones still sounds amused, which is just plain mean of him. "But Spock told me yesterday.""Because he saw it when he melded with Sulu.""Yeah."{"Shit," Jim hopes he sounds as miserable as he feels. "No wonder he was so weird about me even touching him at the beginning. And I just... I pushed him way out of his comfort zone and...and this time I didn’t catch him.""You didn’t know, Jim," Bones’ hand is on his arm now, squeezing, and it should be comforting but his hand is the wrong size. "He never tried to stop you, he let himself go there too and whatever you might think he clearly wanted to.""I should have known. I should have seen it, I should have..." he inhales shakily. "I should have done a lot of things differently.""Well," Bones actually does the semi-unthinkable and pulls Jim to lean against him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders; it’s not suggestive of anything but that deep connection that’s always been uniquely them, even though it’s turning out so very different than he expected. So very different but okay, in the end. Okay. "Everything happens for a reason."Jim snorts."I can’t even believe you just said that. You’re so folksy sometimes it just makes me want to puke.""Yeah I’ll be sending you a bill for my shoes, by the way.""Sorry." Jim clears his throat.They sit in silence for a while, and then, just when he’s on the edge of sleep, Bones climbs to his feet and pulls Jim with him, walking him to the bed and tucking him in. He disappears for a moment to get a glass of water, which he sets on the nightstand, and puts a hand on Jim’s forehead. When he starts to pull away, Jim grabs it."Bones," he squeezes his hand, afraid of what he’s going to say, "Do you know how I feel about Sulu?"Bones doesn’t even hesitate before he squeezes his hand back."I have some ideas, but I think you’re the only one who really knows for sure.""But, you’ll be here for me, right? No matter what happens?""No matter what happens, Jim." Bones’ voice is kind, more gentle than it has any right to be. "I’ll be here."Jim falls asleep and his last thought is that his sheets don’t smell like Sulu anymore, and that might be the saddest thing that’s ever happened.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Jim feels like poorly microwaved death on the bridge, and the fact that he arrives to a kind of terrifying look from Spock doesn’t help."I feel it necessary to inform you that Lt. Sulu has requested a shift change," he intones, with just the slightest connotation of "you monstrous asshole" under it."I’m not surprised," Jim sighs. "I can’t really blame him."He is surprised that Chekov and Uhura don’t shoot him dirty looks every time he so much as moves, but they’re responsible adults and Jim overlooks it when Chekov very unsubtly tries to trip him."Careful there, Ensign," he says, and if Chekov makes a face behind him, he’d rather not know.After his injections from Bones, who admonishes him to "eat something, for the love of god, you look like overdone roadkill," he sits alone in the ready room until the call he’s been waiting for comes through."Ambassador." He tries to work up a smile."Captain Kirk!" Her frill is in full and fine form today, and she is beaming. "I was so excited to hear about your success! Congratulations!""Yeah," he clears his throat and shifts a little, "Thanks.""I mean, normally a broken bond would not be a cause for rejoicing, but in your case, with such an unwanted incident, I’m utterly relieved to know that it was broken with minimal harm to you and Lt. Sulu.""Yeah. Minimal.""I realize that while this has not been at all advantageous for you, the work of Commander Spock and Dr. McCoy has been utterly invaluable to our scientists. We’ve learned so much from their research, not just about human physiology but the Chuutube itself, and I can assure you that the next time something like this occurs, we will be more than ready to deal with it appropriately.""Glad it all worked out okay." Jim wonders if he looks as dismal to her as she looks delighted to him.His answer comes immediately when her frill wavers a little."Captain, was I misinformed? You don’t seem all that well.""Can I ask you a question?" He leans forward, suddenly wishing she was closer, that he wasn’t alone, because now being alone is less of a choice than a punishment."Of course, Captain. Anything you like.""Bones, er, Dr. McCoy told me that they found out...humans don’t bond the way you do. Like there’s no...emotional or physical...sensations that get formed along with the DNA stuff."The Ambassador cocks her head to the side slightly."That’s what their data showed, yes. But they may have also interpreted the Chuutube wrong. While the bond does grow stronger over time between we Cavians, the emotional and physical sensations you speak don’t just...appear.""Come again?""Not to be too blunt, Captain, but you humans seem to think that the bond acts as a kind of aphrodisiac."Jim wonders for a moment if her translator has gone out again."...what?""...was that not the right word? That wasn't the right word. What I meant was... humans seem to think that the bond automatically means love or affection or shared sensations, when in truth, those things only come in time, and only to Cavians who are already open to them." Jim is certain his expression reads something like "dur?" because the Ambassador raises an eyebrow slightly. "Not all bonds are romantic or sexual, Captain. Some are friendly, some are more familial. While it may seem strange to you to be bonded to someone with whom you share no amorous feelings, it’s simply the way we operate. You may be bonded to your closest friend and have a different lover. You may be bonded to your lover and have someone else as your closest friend."
So that’s what "closest" meant. Something I never even though of.
"But what you’re saying," Jim closes his eyes, picks the words carefully, "Is that the bond doesn’t create any feelings.""Not at all, Captain. In the long term, it may amplify feelings, but it doesn’t instill them. Each Cavian -or person- does that on their own."That’s all he needs to hear. Jim’s stomach lurches slightly, and he’s glad he hasn’t eaten anything since his intestinal armageddon the night before."Thank you, Ambassador.""Of course, Captain. I do hope we’ll be in touch regarding the details of the Federation treaty soon. Please take care not to explode."With that appropriately odd wording, the connection is terminated, and Jim is alone with his thoughts again.-Jim spends several days alone with his thoughts, actually. And when he’s not alone, he’s on the bridge, catching up on everything, taking calls from the HQ with Spock. He watches Bones in sickbay, just doing his job, and smiles slightly at all the reasons Spock finds to come down and talk to him. He watches the way Spock’s body language changes when they talk, and Jim wonders if he ever looked that way around Bones, if he ever looked like it was the most precious part of his day.And then he thinks about the way Sulu looked at them when they lay in bed together, the way he made the bed and how he smiled after they kissed, how he took to being Jim’s lover like it was all he ever wanted to do. And Jim could never read him, or maybe he never tried hard enough because he was always trying to figure out if he was guilty or not, a million mental miles away. If someone else had seen them, he wonders, if they’d’ve noticed Sulu looked at him the same way Spock looks at Bones, would they have understood what Jim missed? Probably. Hopefully. Someone should have.He goes for long runs that are not nearly as fun by himself, and he uses machines that he once pressed Sulu against. He reads reports and does his work; he clears his mind when he’s on the bridge and ignores the Sulu-shaped hole that’s inadequately filled by Ensign Hazel (not that she does a bad job, but it’s just... it’s not right).When he lies down to jerk off in his own bed for the first time in some part of forever, he finds himself envisioning Sulu’s body without even trying. And when he comes, intensely, almost painfully, he thinks that he washed off every touch Sulu left on him, every fingerprint and breath, without a single thought. And even though it’s embarrassing and unmanly and unadult, he lets himself cry about it, just a little.He brushes his teeth alone, showers alone, and finally, one week and three days after everything changed and went back to "normal," Jim looks at himself in the mirror and knows what he should have known a long time ago, maybe all the way back to a California night a million stars past.Ands it’s just as well, because that’s the day Chekov knocks on his door.-Chekov always looks young; it’s kind of what he does best. But standing outside Jim’s door with his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his zip-up sweatshirt, he looks like nothing so much as a kid with a lost dog."Captain," he says, nodding a little."Chekov," Jim can’t help smiling. "I gotta say, I’m not really surprised.""No?" Chekov raises an eyebrow, and his voice is a little edgy - strange, because he’s never been afraid of talking back to Jim before. "I suppose not. Then you know I am here about Hikaru.""Yeah. I suspected as much. Do you want to come in?"Chekov takes the offer about as literally as possible and steps just inside the door before he can’t seem to contain himself anymore."Captain, why did you do what you did? Why did you do any of the things that you did?! Hikaru...I’ve never seen him like this, he’s a mess! He’s more than a mess and I cannot deal with him being this much of a mess!!"Jim has more pride than to hang his head, but he does stuff his hands in his pockets and clear his throat."Yeah I assume he told you everything.""He didn’t have to tell me everything, I know Hikaru, I know the stupid and annoying things he does when he’s upset and it has gone beyond his usual upset. He has gone beyond, ‘The Chain,’ Captain, he has gone through ‘Gold Dust Woman’ and moved on to her solo work and I don’t even know the name of what he’s playing now because he has never been depressed enough to play it but I have learned all of the words and it is because of YOU!"It takes Jim a moment to process this strange code Chekov seems to be speaking in..."Wait, these are Fleetwood Mac songs, right?"Chekov gives him a very exhausted "I can’t even believe I have to deal with your supreme denseness" look, and Jim mentally notes that when he’s older, he’s going to give Bones a run for his money on disapproving facial expressions."Yes, Captain, I believe I told you, when you asked me for help, that Hikaru seeks solace in Stevie Nicks and now he has gone past solace and into depression and it is stupid and annoying and it is hurting me, hurting him, and hurting our friendship and you should both have known better!"Jim folds his arms now, purses his lips, rocks back on his heels for a minute."I have to say, Chekov, you have a lot of balls to come and yell at your Captain like this.""With all due respect, Captain, you have a lot of nerve to sleep with your helmsman then break his heart."Jim bites back at sharp retort and hitches his shoulders higher and tighter."... I was angry.""Oh thank god it’s that simple, now would you go tell Hikaru before he decides to stupidly transfer himself or I decide to transfer him out an airlock?""Before...what? He can’t do that! He can’t transfer himself anywhere without my consent and I’m not giving it!""He will find a way if you don’t talk to him. He is being that unreasonable." For the first time, Chekov drops the offensive and goes back to looking young and angsty, maybe even a little heartsick. "Please, Captain. He is my best friend and I cannot take this anymore. He is miserable and he is making me miserable."Jim can’t help chuckling softly."So this isn’t all in his best interest then, you have your own motives too."Chekov rolls his eyes."Of course I do. But it doesn’t mean that I care about him any less. I can care about him like he is my brother, which I do, and still want to murder him in his sleep, which I will do soon if you don’t help."And Jim knows that feeling, knows it so well, because that’s him and Bones, that’s the essence of what they are, and here it is mirrored in Chekov and Sulu and he thinks about all the times he wanted them to date, how strange that seems now, how silly to mess up something that’s already perfect.And how foolish of him not to realize all of this before.He sighs."Did you know? When you told me that you knew he liked someone on the ship, did you know it was me?"Chekov shrugs."It was not hard to figure it out. Hikaru has a very childish mentality about these things sometimes, he does that thing where you act like you dislike someone simply because you like them so very much.""So that’s why he was a dick those first few days?"Chekov raises an eyebrow - yeah, Bones is gonna have some serious competition by the end of this mission."You may have noticed, Captain, Hikaru rather enjoys being a dick period."Jim laughs more solidly this time."That’s true.""And he’s doing it now because he’s sad and I know that I am, in a sense, going behind his back to talk to you about this, but one of you has to be the mature one and I am sorry to say that right now it cannot be him." He looks at Jim with big, obnoxiously earnest eyes. "He is so sad Captain."That hurts. It hurts in ways he feels through a bond that isn’t and might never have been there. Jim feels naked under that intense gaze, and not in a good way - stripped of all possible excuses and even the usual comforts of being laid emotionally bare by Bones (because at least he knows Bones, at least he knows). But now he has to answer to someone else. He has to answer to Sulu. Above all...he has to answer to himself. Now or never. Gravity or not."I made some mistakes," he says quietly. "I’ve been thinking about how to fix them."Chekov nods and turns back to the door, then looks over his shoulder."Please think quickly, Captain. We are nearing Chen IV in the Kajout system and I will navigate us directly into their sun if I have to spend another day with that nasal voiced harpy."Jim smiles and shakes his head."I’ll make it top priority. Thank you for coming by, Ensign. Like I said, you have balls.""They are enormous, sir." He says, and with a slight but still incredibly cocky motion of his head and a smile, Chekov is back out the door.And Jim is alone again, and this time he has to face the alone."Lights," he calls, and makes his way in the familiar dark to the bed, sitting on the edge of it, resting his elbows on his knees, folding his hands, and pressing them against his forehead. In the quiet, he can almost hear Sulu breathing while he slept; he can almost smell him and taste him. His life is everything that it was and nothing like it anymore - he always wondered what would happen, what he would be if he lost Bones, but now he knows he’ll never lose him. But without Sulu? What he is without Sulu is no longer someone he wants to be.And it’s hard to admit that, even though he knows he’s been waiting to come to that conclusion, his conclusion, from the moment they were pulled apart; when he dreamed that he was reaching for Sulu and couldn’t grab him, wishing one more time for one more chance to know what he saw when they looked at each other.He remembers telling Sulu he doesn’t really know anything about love, and he’s still pretty sure he either knows nothing or everything all the way back around to nothing, a circle of trying and learning and now he knows what his dying wish was, but he’s the one who has to grant it.And now Jim knows what he has to do.-It takes longer to put his plan into action than he likes. It also takes a shipwide email with Sulu excepted, a lot of intense negotiating with the traders on the Lex Dommina space station outside of Chen VI, and several days of just sitting with Bones and Spock, watching them quietly moving towards something invisible but unequivocal.It’s two and a half weeks after "the separation" (as Jim has come to refer to it to himself) before Jim feels that everything has aligned, and even then he spends a good while picking out what to wear and what (if anything) to do with his hair. He’s never felt like any of these dateish grooming tactics were necessary but he never had anything to prove. Well...not prove like this anyway.At 1900 he stands in front of Chekov and Sulu’s door, and, taking a deep breath, presses the doorchime. Chekov answers, and looks Jim up and down for a moment; Jim of course appraised him of the bare details of his plan, so none of this is unexpected, but he still feels like Chekov is sizing him up like a father might regard a prom date he’s not sure his child should be seeing."Hikaru is in the bathroom, you should probably come in right now or he will not let you in the door.""Fair enough." Jim steps inside and shifts the bag he’s carrying.It’s the first time he’s been in Chekov and Sulu’s room, and he’s immediately struck by a longing familiarity - it smells like Sulu here. Not entirely, of course, but it’s warm and inviting. There’s plants all over the shelves, books and PADDs scattered about, posters of famous places in Moscow and the Golden Gate Bridge. There’s bunk beds, which he finds oddly charming, and from the way holos are placed and hung near each of them he can tell that the bottom one belongs to Sulu. It is, of course, perfectly made."Do you think he’d mind if I sat on his bed?" Jim asks."Most definitely.""Okay," Jim nods, and sits down on it.Chekov laughs a little at that, and is about to say something when Sulu steps out of the bathroom and the temperature of the room plummets."Captain." He voice is steady but his eyes are narrowed into viper slits. "To what do I owe the pleasure?""Ai-ya, will you look at the time," Chekov glances down at his wrist where he is clearly not wearing any sort of chronometer, "I have to meet Engineer Jacbb, I will leave you two to...you know, whatever is going to happen please don’t get too much blood on my things bye!"He’s out the door like a shot, and it closes slowly behind him.The silence stretches out.And out.And-"Get off my bed, Captain.""Sulu," Jim holds up his hands, and even considers rolling onto his back to show his belly and display every possible sign of submission. "Look hear me out, okay, I need to-""To what?" Sulu moves closer now, and fuck, his face is so intense that it’s both terrifying and hot and Jim swallows hard. "You’ve done enough, right? You got everything you wanted, I don’t think there’s much else for us to discuss.""Chekov uh..mentioned you might be considering asking for a transfer.""Chekov talks too much and what’s it matter anyway.""I’m...I don’t want to transfer you.""Wow. Hooray.""...unless of course you want me to." He hates to say it, but he has to give Sulu the option to go. To leave him. To be farther away than any bond would ever allow. "In which case, I’ll do whatever you want."Sulu seems to pause at that, shoving his hands into his hoodie pocket and scowling."I don’t really know what I want, Captain. I kind of thought I did but then things sort of got fucked up, you know?""Stop calling me Captain, please.""Why should I?""Because," Jim huffs out a breath. "We’re friends, right?""Yes, we’re brilliant friends.""I don’t know why you do this every time. Every time we have some sort of an argument you go back to acting like nothing ever happened and-""No, you know what?" Sulu actually grabs him by the wrist, dragging him up off his bed and making him stand up, almost face to face. "You absolutely know why I do this every time and it has nothing to do with me acting like nothing ever happened and everything to do with you acting like you can do whatever you want regardless of what DID happen! I’m doing you a goddamn favor, aren’t I? You couldn’t stop talking about how much you wanted everything to be back to normal and I’m helping, right? I take all the memories of everything that happened and I hold onto it so you can just...go back to fucking McCoy and being everyone’s favorite everything but not mine!"Sulu is mashing Jim’s buttons with a vicious fist, but Jim can’t get angry. Not like this. Not now. There’s too much at stake, there’s everything at stake. And especially not when he’s finally let a possessive slip, let the facade crack."No one ever asked you to take everything on yourself.""Yeah, well, sucks to be me.""It kind of does."Sulu throws up his hands."Yes, it’s fabulous, it’s well established and thank you for saying so, now get out of my room!""Sulu-""OUT!" He’s pointing now, eyes squeezed shut as if just seeing Jim is painful, and Jim knows he did this, they did this to each other, and maybe it’s as much Sulu wallowing as it was his own ignorance, but it needs to stop."Hikaru," he says.And just like that, Sulu is disarmed. It works every time, and maybe he should feel guilty about that too. But not at this moment.He opens his eyes and looks at Jim, and he is an open book now, he’s a ruined blue sky fading fast, falling low; he’s a hand reaching out and the taste of desert wind."What?" he says, and his voice is thick."I...I messed up." Jim wants to take his time but there isn’t time, there’s only moments before they hit the ground and he can’t waste his last chance. "I didn’t know how you felt and I didn’t know how I felt. I was selfish and I was stupid and I should have seen what was super obvious but I was too busy... enjoying myself and being irresponsible. Being guilty and not guilty enough and not considering anyone else, you’re right. And I’m sorry. I apologized to Bones and now I’m apologizing to you." He leans over to the bag he’s left on the bed, and pulls out a sack of colored marshmallows. Sulu’s eyes widen slightly. "I’ve...since Cavia, and I mean, since Tahoe actually, probably..." he sighs disgustedly and shakes his head, admonishing himself to get it out, Kirk, "You know how in ‘Barefoot in the Park’ they think they’re so good together and then they think they’re so bad together and it turns out that they just misunderstood each other and they need to like...see things from each other’s point of view?""Yeah, Jim, I’ve only seen it like twenty-seven hundred times.""It’s like that. See, you’re the Robert Redford character-""Paul.""Yeah, Paul, and I’m the Jane Fonda character-""Corie.""Right, yeah, Paul and Corie, look the names aren’t what matters here, what matters is you’re the stable responsible one and you were holding me down somewhere that I didn’t know and I didn’t understand and it scared me and I misunderstood everything. I’ve always liked you and cared about you but I thought that the bond made everything stronger, I thought it was an involuntary response when I was supposed to be somewhere else with someone else, and I just...I didn’t think about you, being there, being stable and...and...loving me."Sulu actually turns away at that a little, drops his head, stares at the floor like he’s willing it to disintegrate beneath his feet."Yeah, well. You were never supposed to know cuz it was never going to happen."He’s flushed; he looks so sadly, painfully embarrassed that Jim just wants to hold him, but he has to push through. He has to say it now or he might not get it out, so he just clutches the marshmallows and makes himself go on."And I didn’t know, I just...pulled you toward me and then pushed you away because that’s what I am and that’s what I do and I didn’t think about what you wanted. I didn’t know what I ever wanted. I’m sorry."Sulu sighs and folds his arms across his chest."I appreciate that every time we have some kind of giant fight you reference pop culture texts to try and make sense of it, it’s really clever, but I’m not sure it’s working this time. Because I don’t think I’m fever-riddled and climbing around on the roof the Enterprise, if there’s even something the qualifies as a ‘roof’ on a spaceship, and besides," his shoulders might be shaking, just a little. "Paul and Corie end up together. She doesn’t push him off the roof and go running after...someone else."Jim closes his eyes and takes a deep breath; of course Sulu wouldn’t make this easy but he’s starting to feel like nothing he says can change this, like Sulu is bound and determined to make sure nothing can be fixed."I made a mistake, Hikaru. I made a lot of mistakes. I thought a lot of things that weren’t right, about you, about the bond, about me and Bones-""I hope you’re happy, though, I mean, I know you and McCoy really-"Oh for the love of fuck, Jim cannot take it anymore and finally just shouts: "Bones wants to date Spock!"The look Sulu gives him is yet another brilliant facial composure, this one like Jim is wearing a hat made out of dead flaming cats."...Are you fucking kidding me?""No, I’m not fucking kidding you, Hikaru, I’m trying to be completely and painfully honest with you and you’re making it really fucking difficult!" He’s falling again, the wind ripping tears out of his eyes as he calls for help because the ground is so close. "Bones and Spock fell in love while we were together, and I was too stupid to realize I was falling in love with you, okay? Okay, that’s what I’ve been trying to say! I messed up, you messed up-""I messed up?!""You never said anything, and you didn’t give me a chance to understand before you left me alone-""I thought you wanted to be alone!""Yeah well sometimes you don't think about anyone but your self too, so now I'm telling you, I want to be with you, okay? I want to be with you! You’re obnoxious and you’re such a fucking impenetrable dick sometimes, but I’ve never felt the way I felt with you with anyone before, not even Bones, and I thought it was the bond but it wasn’t the bond, it was this thing that exists between you and I that’s just...whatever it is! I’m closest to you, even though I didn’t plan it that way and I didn’t know it until now!"Sulu just stares at him and Jim reaches for the last thing he has."You’re my dying wish, okay? To have one more chance and not let go this time." His heart twists in his chest and for a moment Jim is sure that they’ve gone back to "the separation," that this time he’s the one in cardiac arrest, that he is going to explode and go into shock. His hands feel boneless and he weakly holds out his last offering to Sulu. "And I brought you the marshmallows you like best. The colored ones that taste like fake rainbows and they’re from earth, they’re not replicated or anything. They’re the real thing. Because you’re the real thing. You and me."This may actually be the longest moment of Jim’s life: the bag of marshmallows in his outstretched hands, Sulu looking at them like a scared woodland creature, approaching them with glacial slowness, reaching for them and then past them, taking hold of Jim’s arm..."You didn’t let go the first time."Jim isn’t sure which one of them moves first, but the marshmallows hit the floor and they’re stuck together, holding each other like that very first time, the instant it always comes back to, the place where it started, where gravity took over and everything was decided. Sulu’s arms are tight around his waist, fingers clenching in his shirt, and Jim presses his face into Sulu’s temple, his hair, inhaling and gasping. It feels like the bond, whatever he decided it was, is back in full force, but now he knows it’s not the bond. It’s just them. It’s just what they are, dying wishes bound together and granted, somehow, every time.He feels saved.He feels alive.He feels like he’s home."I missed you," Sulu’s voice sounds wet into Jim’s shoulder. "I didn’t want to. I kind of never wanted to see you again but I missed you anyway."Jim pulls back, cupping Sulu’s face and yeah, there’s some guilty tears, but that’s okay. He won’t mention them. He presses their foreheads together."Baby," he can’t help smiling, "You say the sweetest things."And Jim kisses Sulu for real, for keeps, the first time, for every time.-"I never realized how small crew beds are."Sulu smirks and picks out a green marshmallow, squooshing it between his fingers before popping it into his mouth and talking around it."Yesh, well, we can’t all be captains."Jim smiles and shifts, their tangled legs sliding together, hips bumping."It’s a rough job, though, you know. Despite all the perks. Sometimes you have to deal with the weirdest shit.""If by ‘the weirdest shit’ you mean me, I’m kicking you out of my tiny bed.""If you kick me out, I’m taking the marshmallows back."Sulu hugs the bag to his chest, then looks distressed as a few strays slip out and fall down into the sheets."Look what you did now, you’re a monster."Jim picks one of the renegades up and eats it."Sucks to be you, huh? Monsters in your bed instead of under it.""Yeah, remember that whole beautiful movie-ending moment we have where we confessed our feelings and then had desperate sex? I’m gonna forget that happened and put my transfer in for real.""No you won’t," Jim slips his arm across Sulu’s stomach and pulls him close, resting his chin on Sulu’s shoulder and grinning. "You’d miss me. You always miss me.""Hmph," Sulu suggests articulately, and settles back into the pillows, quiet for a moment, and then: "So Spock and McCoy? That’s cute. In a kind of weird, super anal way.""Like you’re one to talk about super anal, Mr. ‘I always have to make the bed all the time even if I’m going to get right back into it.’""I’m sorry I’m not a slob with my giant emperor-sized bed of wonder." He yelps as Jim pinches him. "You know what, I made your bed out of the goodness of my heart and my deep and profound unspoken feelings for you, but why don’t you go join them and have a beautiful threesome together, I’m sure it’ll be lovely and not at all annoying to everyone ever.""I like it when you make my bed for me, I don’t think they’d want me to come unmake theirs." Jim rolls over onto Sulu and raises up on his hands and knees, grinning at him. "Spock and Bones have a beautiful private bond now, like you and me.""Ugh," Sulu pushes at him lightly but can’t help blushing, and his hands slip down Jim’s chest with more interest than disgust. "This is entirely too perfect, it’s kind of horrible."Of course that’s the moment when Chekov comes back, takes about two steps into the room, then freezes."Chyort voz'mi!"Jim goes for his best innocent look, "I bet that’s something like ‘oh shit,’ right?""Yeah, pretty much," Sulu sounds somewhere between horrified and amused."I just remembered," Chekov spins on his heel, "I need to go and never be in this room ever again."He’s gone again as quickly as he came, and Jim looks at Sulu, flushed and gorgeous and everything he never knew he wanted."I dunno why he’s upset, I thought he’d be thrilled that now you’ll probably stop playing Barfy Nicks all the time.""Hey!" Sulu punches him lightly, "Don’t you dis my girl, she and I have a deep beautiful bond and you should go sit on a dick!""What, like this one?" Jim reaches down between them. "Cuz I like this one. I want this one.""Yeah," Sulu’s eyes close and he arches up into Jim’s touch. "That one’ll do just fine."-"Cuz we belong together now!" Kelly Clarkson insists with characteristic exuberance, and Jim wonders when he’s ever going wake up to something he expects or if all his settings have been changed to accommodate other people’s bizarro musical tastes.But when she firmly declares that "my life would suck without you," he has to smile, and he rolls over to find Sulu, ever the morning creeper, grinning at him."I made a few changes to your alarms," he says. "I didn’t think you’d mind.""Hey, as long as it’s not ‘Edge of Seventeen’ or something ghastly like that, I’m sure we can work it out.”Sulu flicks him in the forehead."You keep pushing me, Kirk. See where it gets you.""I have a pretty good idea, honestly," Jim stretches, links his fingers together and cracks his knuckles. "And I’m okay with it."It’s only been a few days (five, if anyone’s counting), but it already feels right, more right than Jim ever thought. He feels whole and grounded, stable and safe; he finally knows what it means to let gravity take over and not fight it, let it lead him to the right place. He knows you can fall and never hit the ground, or at least land without getting hurt.They shower together and elbow one another for space in front of the mirror while they brush their teeth. Sulu finishes first and is half dressed by the time Jim has his hair arranged the way he wants, and when they’re finally ready (and the bed, is, of course, perfectly made), they stand in front of the mirror...and Jim blinks."Hey," he says, pointing at their sleeves. "You’re wearing my shirt, you jerk.""Yeah, I thought I might try being the captain today." Sulu gives him a look. "It’s not hard. You go around touching things you’re not supposed to, tripping on shit, tricking innocent little helmspeople into being your sexual playthings...""If you want to be sexual playthings with a 'helmspeople,' you can have Ensign Hazel, I’m not gonna fight you for that. The pigtails make her look approximately seven.""Yeah, now you know how it felt when you kept telling me to date Pavel.""I think I’ve apologized for enough of the things I did wrong already, dude. Now give me back my shirt.""I think it looks better on me.""I think if you want something of mine on you, I have ideas that are better than my shirt."To Jim’s surprise, Sulu actually considers this."Do you think Spock’ll mind if we’re late?""Spock can suck Bones’ dick, and I hope he is, otherwise we’ll need to have words." Jim strips his shirt off Sulu with great relish. "Come on, Lieutenant, or I’ll make it an order.""Your orders don’t always go so well, you know.""Really? Let’s try this one: get in my bed, Lt. Sulu."Sulu is back undressed in record time, the bed unmade all over again, and Kelly Clarkson serenades them happily the whole time.-"Captain," Spock greets Jim as he and Sulu arrive on the bridge. "Lieutenant." His hair is freshly washed and the hint of green afterglow is still on his cheeks."Spock," Jim grins, and then looks just over Spock’s shoulder. "Bones."Bones reaches up to comb at his own wet bangs and smiles a little. Jim winks at him.Sulu settles into his chair and leans over to whisper something to Chekov, who makes an undignified squeal and smacks him in the arm a few times. Uhura just looks lovingly appalled at everyone and shakes her head at her station."Uhura," Jim says as he takes his chair, "If you could reach Ambassador Nibivia for me at some point today, I would greatly appreciate it. I need to relay a few more things to her.""Of course, Captain."Spock takes his place on one side of Jim; Bones stands on the other. And Sulu is right in front of him, like his future, like everything he’s supposed to be pointed at and drawn to, at the end of all California car trips and after all Cavian trees and all the time and space and wishes in the universe- this is how it’s going to be."Sulu, take us out!"And Sulu turns and gives him the brightest, most perfect salute he’s ever seen."Yes Captain!"And everything, even gravity, falls away.  .end