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Fourth grade is going to be great, Lance thinks as his mom drops him off. He climbs out of the car and waves goodbye to Veronica and Marco, who are in high school and middle school respectively. His mother pulls away to cart Luis off to his last year of pre-school.Hunk is waiting for him in their usual spot, and the three go inside together amidst the crowd of students. The kindergarteners stay close to their parents and are ushered away from the rest. The first graders head the same direction.The older kids go to the right.Lance and Hunk are in the same class again, and they’ve both heard that Mrs. Li is the best teacher in the fourth grade.She’s smiling at the door when they get there, and she greets them warmly before she leads them into the room and helps them find their desks.Their name cards are constructed from colorful, laminated paper, and they look like exotic fish. Each desk has a pair of sunglasses on it. The bulletin boards have posters about marine life, and the one next to the door is blank save for their names and the words Our Future’s So Bright, We Have to Wear Shades written across the top.Lance hopes they’ll study the ocean this year.The rest of the students file into the room, and Lance’s heart flutters when Ulyana Romanykha walks into the room and sits next to him. With long dark hair and olive skin, Lance believes Ana is the prettiest girl in the school.The teacher starts calling roll when the bell rings.Everyone in their class is there except for a student that no one seems to know. Keegan or Kogane or something.And when Ms. Li starts their first lesson with a beach ball, Lance is assured of his initial judgment: Fourth grade is going to be great. Keith misses the first day of fourth grade at his new school.Calvin, a seventh grader, shoved him into a cupboard that morning and jammed a broom through the handles so he couldn’t get out.It was miserable and cramped, and Keith was pissed by the time someone finally realized he was trapped there.Apparently, a teacher from the school called when he didn’t show up that day, which prompted a search.To say the least, Keith doesn’t like his new group home.There’s not much he can do about it, though. CPS caught up with him about a week after he ran away from Ted and Natalie’s. The aforementioned pair didn’t bother to tell anyone he was missing, so they were no longer allowed to foster children. Someone else must have reported it, but he couldn’t say whom.His mouth is dry with thirst when they let him out, and he skulks away without a word. He slips out the front door and spends most of the evening wandering around the city.When it’s dark, he finally returns to the home. He missed lunch and skipped dinner, but he could deal with some hunger.Calvin is sitting in the common room when Keith shows up, and the older kid smirks triumphantly.Keith splits his knuckles on the other boy’s teeth. The next day a caseworker escorts Keith to school. It’s so early that the building is empty of children; only harried teachers and staff wander the halls, sipping coffee and hanging flyers.Keith sits in a chair in the main office while the caseworker talks to the principal. They’ve shut the door, but Keith can still hear every word. He wants to curl into himself or run away, but he knows better now. The former presents weakness, which makes him a target. The latter just gets him into deep shit.It doesn’t even cross his mind to defend himself. It’s been so long since anyone’s been willing to listen.“Keith’s file is colorful, to say the least,” the principal’s diplomatic voice reaches Keith’s ears.“Yes,” the caseworker concedes, “He’s had a rough time of it.”“There are a lot of disciplinary issues here,” the principal continues. “They seem to increase in frequency over time.”The caseworker hesitates, “Keith is... quiet. Sometimes he doesn’t answer direct questions, and he rarely initiates or participates in conversation. And sometimes he just explodes.” She pauses, “It’s par for the course for abused and neglected children.”Keith scowls.“Where was he yesterday? The first day is very important for students.”“We found him in a cupboard. He claims that another child pushed him into it and blocked the door.”Keith snorts so softly only he can hear it. Claims? Assholes.“I see,” the principal responds. “Let’s see that it doesn’t happen again.”“We’ll be sure that it doesn’t,” the caseworker placates.“Thank you for coming in today, Ms. Lewis. I feel the best course of action is to be proactive.”“I agree.”Keith imagines they shake hands and congratulate one another on handling him.The door creaks open, and Ms. Lewis smiles. It doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “Keith? Would you step in now?”Keith complies. It isn’t like he has a choice.“Have a seat, please, Mr. Kogane,” the principal gestures to a plush armchair across from his desk. “I’m Principal Smith. It’s nice to meet you.”Keith doesn’t move.Smith rakes his eyes over Keith surreptitiously. Keith knows he’s being assessed. He knows this look, and he knows he always falls short.He doesn’t fidget. His chin comes up defiantly.Keith is aware that he’s small for his age; he’s both short and skinny. His clothes are too large and too old, and his battered trainers are starting to develop holes. He hates his hair right now. He likes it long; he likes that he can hide behind his bangs. But after a lice outbreak in the group home a month ago, his hair had been shorn away. It was already growing back out, curling around the tips of his ears, but it wasn’t enough.The principal’s gaze lingers on Keith’s split lip and busted knuckles.He’s only been in this school for twenty minutes, and he already has a label: Trouble.Keith endures the inspection in silence. He doesn’t bother replying to the greeting. He just stands and waits for the man to finish.The quiet is oppressive, but Keith is unyielding. Ms. Lewis and Mr. Smith exchange concerned glances.After an uncomfortable amount of time passes, Ms. Lewis clears her throat, “Well, Keith’s teacher has agreed to meet with him before the other students come this morning. If you’ll excuse us, Principal Smith.”“Of course,” Smith nods. “Please feel free to contact me at any time. Welcome to City Elementary, Keith.” While Ms. Lewis leads him down the hall, Keith studies the building around him. It’s clearly a newer school. Everything is still fairly bright and shiny and modern. There are lively bulletin boards and posters with inspirational quotes lining both sides of the hallways, and there are plenty of signs posted to help students find the different rooms. Like every other school, it smells like Clorox and industrial strength disinfectant.This is Keith’s sixth school.The novelty has long given away to resignation.After several minutes of walking, Ms. Lewis knocks on a decorative door nestled into a corner. A young teacher with dark hair and a radiant smile steps into view, and she waves them into the room.“Good morning!” she chirps. “You must be Keith. I’m Ms. Li.”Ms. Li extends a hand to Keith. He stares distrustfully before he reaches out to shake her hand.Ms. Li’s grin never wavers.“It’s very nice to meet you. Would you like a tour?”Keith doesn’t respond, but she takes it as an ascent instead of an affront. She walks around the room and points to different tables and charts while Keith eyes her warily. It takes a few minutes, but she eventually manages to spark his curiosity. He starts to follow her around the classroom.“This is our Quiet Corner,” Ms. Li waves her hand at a closed off little nook under a window. A soft rug, pillows, and blankets are tucked behind a bookcase. There are coloring books, short stories, comics, and little puzzles in a basket. “Sometimes we all get overwhelmed and need a break.”Afterward she shows him their reading group rugs, and then she reveals her favorite part of the room. “Now, I’ve got a treat for you,” Ms. Li says. Keith almost retreats into himself, but he holds his ground. “This year we’ve got a brand new classroom pet, and you’ll be the first to meet her.”The teacher pulls a curtain near her desk aside to reveal a spacious cage lined with wood chips. When they shift, Keith’s eyes widen. A tiny hamster with brown fur and dark eyes snuffles around a little wheel before hopping into it.Over Keith’s head, Ms. Li and Ms. Lewis share a hopeful look.The teacher opens a little hatch on the pin, and she rests her open palm near the little creature.It hops off the wheel to inspect the intruder before jumping into her waiting hand.She lifts it from the cage and strokes a finger through its soft fur.“Would you like to hold her?”Keith worries his lip. What if this is a trick? No one lets him near anything precious. He’s too unpredictable.While Keith debates with himself, Ms. Li waits patiently while the hamster walks across her hands.Finally, Keith cups his palms in front of his chest. Ms. Li lets the hamster sniff at Keith for a moment, and then it crawls into his hands. Keith, violet eyes soft and bright, cradles it so gently. He pets the tiny creature gently.He’s completely enamored.Ms. Lewis, who has seen too many children suffer too greatly, feels her heart swell at his expression.Ms. Li surveys Keith with a kind and practiced eye.
All he needs is a chance.
“Hey, Keith?” she keeps her voice low and sweet to avoid startling him. “Would you like to name her?”Keith blinks and then looks at his new teacher, “Me?”She nods.“I don’t... I’m not... I won’t pick a good one,” he frets.Ms. Li may be young, but this isn’t her first experience with a child like Keith. Behaviors that others interpreted as hostile were really just a mistreated child’s attempt to keep himself safe. Many will see him as rough and hardened, but she knows that the exterior is meant to conceal sensitivity and fragility.She proceeds with caution, and she hopes that she can form a positive relationship with this boy. She keeps her expression free from pity, but maintains openness and sincerity.“Do you have anything in mind?”Keith considers the classroom pet, “Penelope?”Ms. Li inspects the creature, “Hmm, let’s see what she thinks. Penny? Penelope?”The hamster’s ears twitch, and Keith can’t hide his smile.“I think Penelope likes it,” Ms. Li praises. “Would you like to help me take care of Penny?”“I... yes,” he answers.“Thank you, Keith,” she makes sure he can see her moving, and then she pats his shoulder, “The other kids won’t be here for another ten minutes. Why do you pick out a book and take Penny to Quiet Corner and read to her?”The wary expression crosses his face again, but he goes with her suggestion. He plucks a Percy Jackson book off the shelf after some thought, and then he settles against the pillows with Penny on his chest.He whispers the words so quietly he can’t be heard by anyone but the hamster.Ms. Lewis sits at one of the little desks and reads, too, and Ms. Li tidies up the room. Ms. Li expected that Keith was often distressed by the adults talking about him, so she spoke privately on the phone with Ms. Lewis the previous night.Ms. Li warns Keith the bell is about to ring, and she tells him that he can keep the book for reading time if he likes it. She shows him where to put his backpack. He tucks Penny into her little cage, and he finds the desk with his name on it. The little sign reads K-E-I-T-H, and it’s surrounded by glittering red fish. It’s in the back corner, and it’s close to the Quiet Corner and Penelope. He likes it.Ms. Lewis crouches down in front of him and whispers, “Have a great day, Keith.” She tucks a stray lock of hair behind his ear. She stands and calls a goodbye over her shoulder.Before she disappears through the door, he murmurs, “Goodbye.”At first he’s worried that she doesn’t hear him, but she smiles warmly, and something in Keith’s chest loosens.The bell chimes seconds after Ms. Lewis leaves, and other kids his age file into the room. They chatter as they hang vibrant book bags in their cubbies. They fish out folders with cheerful cartoon characters, superheroes, and celebrities, and then they meander over to their desks.Keith observes them. A girl with green eyes and pale brown hair sits in front of him. Her desk sign says S-H-A-Y, and a striped fish swims beneath her name. A tall, stocky boy moves to sit in front of her, and Keith almost cringes. This boy is even bigger than Calvin.Keith steels himself and assesses the other boy as he interacts with the other kids. An olive-skinned girl called Ana calls the tall boy Hunk and shows him her new bracelet, and a blue-eyed boy makes a loud, corny joke that makes all three of them laugh.While Hunk hasn’t done anything threatening yet, Keith makes a note to himself to be leery.When a second bell rings, the rest of the kids clamor to their seats. The loud boy plops down in the desk next to Keith. He doesn’t notice Keith right away because he’s still talking with Ana.But Keith is okay with not being noticed.Ms. Li takes attendance quickly and then welcomes the room with a cheery, “Good morning!The class echoes her, “Good morning, Ms. Li.”“I’m so glad to have everyone with us today. I’ve got a special surprise for you this afternoon, so we’re going to jump right into our math warm-up today. Please take out your folders and begin working on Tuesday’s questions.” She sets a fifteen minute timer.Keith almost panics, but he discovers that a brand new folder is waiting in his desk with everything he needs.Immediately, he gets to work.He’d missed a lot of school in the second grade, but he tried his best in third, so he hoped he could make up for it.And he liked math.In no time, he was finished, so he pulled out his Percy Jackson book to read while he waited.When the timer beeped, Ms. Li told everyone they could have five minutes to check over their work with someone around them.Keith is prepared to sit in silence, so he’s surprised when Shay turns around and asks shyly, “Um, do you know how to do number 4?”The redhead fidgets nervously, and Keith nods.“Could you... could you show me how to do it?”When Keith nods again, she turns around fully and lays her paper on his desk. Her answer is wrong.Keith takes a breath. He isn’t good with people, but this girl looks so anxious, and he doesn’t want to make it worse for her. “Um, you just missed a step. You need carry the 2 here, and then it’s fixed.”She makes the correction and thanks him before turning back to her own desk.Keith gazes over the room again. Most of the students are working with one or two other people, but a handful have lined up in front of Hunk’s desk. The blue-eyed boy is near the back of the group when Ms. Li looks up at the crowd with a wry expression, “Lance, Megan, Sadie, Hunk has enough people at his desk already. Please work with someone else.”Lance, the blue-eyed boy, deflates and saunters back to his seat with a sulky expression. His face changes when his eyes finally land on Keith.Instead of sitting back down at his desk, he grabs his chair and pulls up next to Keith. “Hi, you must be new! I’m Lance. What’s your name?”Now that they’re so close to one another, something about Lance seems shockingly familiar, but Keith can’t piece it together.“Um,” Keith stutters. “I’m Keith?”It comes out as a question, but Lance doesn’t mention it. His grin is toothy when he says, “Nice to meet you!”“Did you... do you need something?”“Yeah, are you good at math? Cause Hunk is my best friend, and he’s, like, a genius, so everyone wants his help. But now I can’t get his help. Do you think you could help me? I’m not great with math. I like history and P.E. better.”When Lance stops prattling, Keith furrows his brow and says, “Yes?”“Great! So I can’t figure out number 10? Like, I got 247 apples, but that’s not even an option!”Keith peers at Lance’s work and tries to work out where the other boy went wrong. When he figures it out, he walks Lance through the process, and then he points out that Lance’s answer to twelve isn’t right either. They finish correcting it right as Ms. Lewis calls everyone’s attention again. The morning runs smoothly. Keith does well in each subject, and some of the other kids even talk to him.He ends up next to Ana and a boy named Rolo at lunch. They talk a little bit about their favorite foods while they eat.During recess he sits with Shay on the swings. She’s timid, but they eventually start speaking to one another.The sun feels nice on his skin, and the breeze from the swing refreshes him. He actually feels like he’s having a nice day. He doesn’t want to leave. He doesn’t want to go back to the group home. He can’t remember the last time he felt this good.Right when he thinks this to himself, a massive shadow crosses in front of him. Keith’s grip tightens on the swings unconsciously, and he braces himself when he looks up. It’s Hunk, Lance, and Ana.He wonders what they want.“Hey,” Lance begins. “Do you guys wanna play on the jungle gym with us?”“We’re gonna do flips and tricks and stuff,” Ana adds.Hunk nervously pokes his index fingers together, “Do we have to do flips?”Keith ignores the last comment. He is skeptical of their intentions, but it’s Shay who awkwardly mumbles, “Why?”Lance looks surprised. “You’re both new this year, right?”“Yeah,” Keith’s voice is laced with suspicion, even though he didn’t realize Shay was new too.Lance claps a hand on Ana’s arm, “Ana was new a few years ago, and she said it sucked because no one talked to her the first week, and she was sad.”“I don’t want anyone to be sad, so you should come play with us,” Ana beams.Although they’ve only known one another a few hours, Keith and Shay make this choice together. Keith asks, “Do you...”Shay nods.Keith turns to the others, “Sure.”The quintet head to the kaleidoscopic climber dome.Hunk squeezes through the bars and sits crisscross-applesauce beneath the highest point, “I’m just... gonna stay here.”Keith hides his surprise. He expected Hunk to be a bully, but he seems awfully nervous.Keith is surprised that no one teases Hunk about his choice.Shay joins him. Hunk absently traces shapes in the dirt as they talk.Keith’s thoughts are interrupted when Lance exclaims, “Race you to the top!”Lance and Ana take off while Keith processes Lance’s words; he takes off a second behind them.Lance and Ana climb quickly, but Keith is faster and more brazen. He launches himself onto the second rung and then scales the bars at a rapid pace. He overtakes Ana, and then he and Lance are neck-and-neck.It’s close.But Keith wins.He plants himself on the very top.Lance settles beside of him.Ana, who knew she was beaten, had opted to treat the dome like monkey bars. She coaxes Shay into joining her, but Shay checks to make sure if Hunk is all right on his own first.Shay swings around and hangs upside down, undaunted and unafraid. Apparently she only elected to sit out because she didn’t want Hunk to be alone.It’s nice.Keith furrows his brow in thought while he scrutinizes the group. For the most part, this school has been okay, which is weird.Lance interrupts his thoughts and goads him into doing tricks and flips on the dome’s bars. They hang by their arms, or their knees, or both.At one point, Lance shoots Keith an excited, happy smile, and Keith feels warm. When recess ends, Ms. Li asks Keith to help her introduce the class pet, Penny. When she explains that Keith is primarily responsible for Penny’s care, he can’t keep the proud grin off his face.Ms. Li asks Keith to demonstrate how to hold and pet Penny. While he runs a finger over her brown fur, Ms. Li comments, “See? You have to be very considerate and gentle. Let her smell you first, and if she doesn’t want to be held or pet, leave her alone.”Afterward, Ms. Li assigns the rest of the class different jobs. Lance is line leader, Ana is in charge of sharpening pencils for the next day, Hunk will distribute the morning snack, and a few other kids are picked for various tasks as well.At the end of the day they all sit in a circle on the carpet while Ms. Li reads aloud to them. The book in her hands is bright blue, and it’s called Wonder. Keith really, really likes it, and it seems like the rest of the class does too.When they finish the first chapter, Ms. Li sends them to their cubbies to fetch their things. As Keith packs his homework folder into his ratty backpack, he wishes time would slow.He doesn’t want to leave.He wants to stay right here as long as he can.There’s no part of him that wants to return to the group home. It’s loud and messy, and there are too many kids. Calvin will probably come after him again too if he’s not careful, and yesterday’s punch brought him one step closer to losing privileges.Keith idly fingers the ragged strap of his bag and bites his lip before he returns to his seat to wait for the bell.He inhales deeply and tries to prepare himself for the sharp noise. He manages to keep himself from flinching when it tolls overhead. Ms. Li sees them all off at the door with a friendly wave.Keith quietly follows the group into the crowded, colorful halls toward the main entrance.Shay, Hunk, and Ana break away to catch their busses, and Lance glows when he realizes that Keith walks home too.“This is great!” Lance exclaims. “I hate walking by myself! Hunk used to walk with me, but they moved over the summer, and I was afraid I’d be alone.”Keith is secretly glad that he gets to walk with Lance, even if he’s a little confused and wary of Lance’s behavior.However, he grits his teeth as he thinks, he hopes Lances place is somewhere before the group home. He doesn’t want the other boy to see him walk into the dilapidated building with the sign that read Anita’s Home for Youth Development. What if Lance treated him differently? What if Lance told his friends, and they all stopped talking to him? What if Lance told everyone in the class? It’s scary, but he likes City Elementary, and he doesn’t want anything to change in that regard.Luckily, after three blocks Lance changes course to head away from the city and toward the beach. “My house is this way! Wanna see?”Keith isn’t in any hurry to get back to the group home, so he nods. And a part of him wants to see a little more of Lance’s world.The sounds of traffic fade away as they cross into a quaint neighborhood with trim lawns and cheerful flower beds. Keith can hear the waves crashing in the distance, and the salty scent grows stronger with every step they take.Keith likes the ocean. It was a bit of trip when he was small and living with Ted and Natalie, but he used to escape to the beach when he could get away from his foster parents. The six mile round trip was worth the effort for the freedom and peace that greeted him. He’d walk in the sand, play in the surf, nap under the shade of the pier, and get snacks on the boardwalk if he had any cash. He’d tuck the best seashells into his pocket and bring them back with him to hide under his bed. He had very little to his name, but it made him feel like had a whole lot more, and it reminded him that he could get away.He’d only managed to leave with three of the shells, and he only had one now. It was hard to keep anything in a foster or group home.His favorite memory from the otherwise unpleasant stint with Ted and Natalie was the ice cream on the beach. A man working one of the booths always told him he looked too skinny and slipped him a free scoop when he worked on Thursdays.Cotton candy, bubble gum, chocolate, strawberry, different flavors piled high on a cone or in a cup and coated with rainbow sprinkles, a delight he savored and dredged up on lonely, hungry nights in the difficult months that followed.He’d made it to the beach a few times since he arrived at the new group home, but this was somehow better.A few minutes later, Lance points to a cozy bungalow on the shore, “This is it!”He grabs Keith’s hand and surges forward. Keith is shocked by this casual affection; he allows Lance to drag him up to the concrete patio as the other boy hollers, “Mama!”A small child stands behind the screen and clutches the hand of a toddler with a head of wild brown curls, “Lance!”Lance wrenches the door open and hugs the little boy and the scoops up the tiny girl and presses his cheek to hers, “Hey, Luis! Hi, Camila. Where’s mom?”“Makin’ dinner,” Luis answers. He stares at Keith, and the baby does too, albeit with a thumb in her mouth. Keith fidgets under their combined gaze.“Maybe I should...” Keith is about to offer to leave, but he doesn’t quite want to go. Meeting new people is nerve-wracking, but he’s curious about what kind of family makes a someone like Lance.“You gotta meet my mom!” Lance cuts him off. He reaches back for Keith’s hand again, and Keith trails after him obediently. Luis follows.The house smells amazing. Keith can tell someone is cooking something delicious, and his stomach growls. He’d gotten his free lunch, but it didn’t quite make up for missing every meal the previous day. Fortunately, no one seems to hear the embarrassing sound.The hall opens into an enormous kitchen with a wall of windows and glass sliding doors, which are thrown open to let in the fresh air and the ocean breeze. A fan circles lazily over head. A woman stands at the stove and flips. A hunk of braised brisket rests on a plate next to her while she stirs a pot full of peppers and onions.“Lance is home! He’s got Camila!” Luis cries before darting out the door to kick a soccer ball in the yard. Apparently Lance’s arrival relieved him from babysitting duty.Lance’s mother is already speaking before she turns around, “Mijo! How was school today?”“Even better than yesterday!” Lance responds as he drops into a chair at the island with the baby on his lap.Her eyes settle on Keith before she responds, “Oh! Who is this?”“This is Keith! I wanted him to meet you,” Lance explains. He pops a grape from the bowl on the table in front of him into his mouth.“Hello, Keith. It’s nice to meet you,” she scrutinizes him, and she can’t help nut think about another little boy with the same name.She’d hug him, but he looks shy and nervous as he stands in her kitchen. His gaze drops to the ground as he replies, “Hi.”“Are you thirsty?” she asks, “Lance, there’s tea on the porch. Why don’t you grab the pitcher and get some ice and pour each of you a drink? Oh, and remind Luis not to leave the yard.”“Okay,” Lance steps outside.Keith’s anxiety increases tenfold when Lance steps out of view, and Rosa’s heart twists in sympathy at the sight. She keeps that particular emotion off her face, and schools her expression into something tender and safe.“Do your parents know you’re here, Keith? Should I call them?”Rosa has a theory. It’s so unlikely, but Lance has such an unusual tendency to achieve unlikely things. She thinks he may have stumbled across a boy he’d already met and completely forgotten.Rosa hadn’t forgotten though.How could she?One day her baby had come home from his friend’s with scrapes on his knees and grass stains on his t-shirt. When he told her what happened, she couldn’t help but worry.A bruised-up child taking the bus alone? She didn’t like the implications. She’d called social services and told them everything she knew. Her son said the boy’s name was Keith. He was around seven, but he was small and thin for his age. He was pale with dark hair and amethyst eyes, and he was sporting a yellowing shiner. He’d gotten on the bus at the corner of twelfth street around an hour ago.Lance might’ve been able to put the incident out of his mind, but she hadn’t been able to do the same.A week or so later she received a phone call letting her know the child had been found and placed in a new home, but they couldn’t tell her anything else due to privacy laws.But even still she thought about this child.The boy’s feet shuffle, “Um, no. It’s fine.”“They don’t know you’re here?”Keith seems so uncomfortable, but she presses him. It’s important. No matter what she thinks may be going on, she needs to make sure this boy isn’t missing right now. She knows she would worry if Lance didn’t come home directly after school.“Um, no, but I don’t... have to check in until nine,” he wrings his hands in front of himself.“You’re sure your mom and dad don’t care?”“No, um. I live at Anita’s,” he whispers. He glances around furtively before finally looking directly at her for the first time, “Please don’t tell.”She nods, “I won’t say anything. But it’s nothing to hide, either, okay?”She steps forward and ruffles his hair affectionately. He looks shocked by the gesture. She surveys him carefully. His knuckles are scabbed, his lip is split, and he’s far too thin, but there’s something gentle within him. She can see it. “Would you like to stay for dinner?”“I...I, um, I don’t...”Lance suddenly appears and crows, “Yeah! Keith! Stay for dinner! Mama’s making ropa vieja!”“Oh... okay,” he agrees. Lance pumps a fist in the air triumphantly as two new figures step into the house.“Keith, this is my brother Marco and my sister Veronica,” Lance informs him. “This is Keith!”The teens greet him, and Lance asks if they want to have a soccer match. The two nod in agreement and head to their rooms to change.“You’ll be on my team,” Lance announces. “Do you know how to play?”Keith nods hesitantly.“Great!”“Take the baby with you,” his mother uses the wooden spoon in her hand to point at him. “You all keep an eye on her.”“Of course, Mama,” he answers. He pulls Keith outside and then puts the baby on her feet in the grass. She toddles on chubby legs toward a red plastic ball.The older McClain siblings join the game, and they divide into teams. Keith, Lance, and Marco form one team, and Veronica and Luis form the other. Lance explains that Veronica is the best player in the family. “She’s gonna get a scholarship!” he asserts.It’s fun, and Lance hugs him when he scores a goal.Keith is almost overwhelmed by the unrestrained, casual affection, but he likes it.It’s nice. Rosa calls them to dinner an hour later, and Keith helps Lance set the table. Martin, the McClain patriarch, arrives during the process and is greeted by a flurry of happy children.Rosa introduces Keith as she passes out plates of the meal to each of them, and then she seats Keith between herself and Lance at the busy table.Dinner is a noisy affair, but it’s different than the group home. It’s better.They tell stories and jokes and talk about the day, and even Keith is included throughout the conversation. It feels strikingly natural.While Lance and the other’s are enraptured by his Veronica’s tale of that day’s gym class, Rosa leans in close to Keith to make sure they’re not overheard, “Keith? You look very familiar. Have I seen you somewhere?”Keith bites his lip and keeps his voice low, “I just got to Anita’s, but I lived here a few years ago.”She nods and steers the conversation to something lighter.Dinner concludes and everyone helps clean up, so it takes only minutes. They all rush off to the beach to continue their game.Martin joins Veronica’s team, and Rosa builds sandcastles with Camila.When the baby yawns, Rosa tells the kids it’s time to do their homework. They return to the house with minimal complaints, and they spread out to do their work.Keith and Lance sit together with Marco, who helps them with some of their history. Rosa reads over their completed work, and when it’s to her satisfaction, she lets them go back to the porch.The boys sit on the swing and watch the sun dip in the sky. Brilliant reds, oranges, and pinks paint the horizon, and Keith decides this is the prettiest sight he’s ever seen.It might be because he had such a good day.It might just be Lance.Because Keith thinks Lance might be the sun, and Keith can’t keep himself from basking in Lance’s bright rays. Lance beams and glows, he chatters and gestures wildly, he laughs wholeheartedly, and he acts like he and Keith have been friends for years instead of kids who met that morning.Keith has lived so many places and crossed paths with so many people. Group homes, foster homes, new schools, but he’s never met someone like Lance. He’s lighthearted and kind, and he seems so warm and open.Keith soaks up the other boy’s light like he’s never been out of the shadows.Time passes unnoticed as Lance babbles about his family, his favorite books, his soccer league, the video game he got last week, and his friends. Keith doesn’t realize that it’s gotten so late until Lance’s mother appears in the doorway to tell him that he should get going before it gets too dark.“I don’t like the idea of you wandering around the streets at night,” she tells him as she hands him little bag with oranges and muffins to snack on.The rest of the family waves as he heads to the door, but Rosa and Lance see him all the way out to the front patio.Rosa crouches to his height and envelopes him in a tight hug, “Come back any time, okay? You’re always welcome here.”“Yeah!” Lance enthuses. “Oh! And maybe you can sleep over sometime!”Keith likes that idea.Lance bids him goodbye, and mother and son watch Keith as he disappears down the street.Keith can feel their eyes on him, and he turns back every once in awhile to see if they’re still on the porch.They’re still there when he has to round the corner.Keith walks the rest of the way to the group home with full pockets, a full stomach, and a full heart.Even when Calvin shoves him into a door, Keith still feels the sun on his skin from the soccer game, and the feel of Lance’s arms around him as he cheers.He can’t remember the last time he felt this way. He’s happy. And hopeful. It’s scary, but he can’t fight the feeling, so he lets it overwhelm him.As he settles into bed and closes his eyes, he thinks, Fourth grade is going to be great.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“And to all a goodnight,” Ms. Li holds up the picture on the final page before shuts the book with a smile. A polite smattering of applause echoes through the little room, and Ms. Li waits for it taper off before she continues. “Okay, kids, it’s time for today’s writing assignment. Hurry back to your seats and take out your composition notebooks.”
A flurry of movement follows as children scamper back to their desks. Chairs scrape across the floor and bump around as everyone settles, but the cacophonous song ends right when Ms. Li gets to the board. She uncaps a red Expo marker and begins to write on the board in her neat, looping script. She speaks as she completes each word, “What do you most want?”
Ms. Li finishes with a flourish before she turns to face them again. Her question is met with excited murmuring, and it makes Keith feel out of place. When the noise subsides, she continues, “Now, I’m not asking about something you want, I’m asking about what you want
most
. It’s a very important distinction. The assignment will be due next Tuesday before we leave for break. We’re going to use the writing process, and I expect you to write at least ten sentences.”
“Ten?” Ana blurts suddenly. “How can we write ten whole sentences about one thing, Ms. Li?”
“Well, you’ll have to explain why you want it,” Ms. Li answers.
“What if it’s something we can’t have, or... like, it’s not possible, like, to going back in time?” a boy in the front row asks.
“If it’s what you want most, then it’s what you want most. Even if it’s not something small or simple or feasible,” she explains with a grin. “Okay,” she claps her hands together, “I want all of you to begin brainstorming. To start off, just write down anything that crosses your mind.”
Hunk raises his hand and waits to be called on before he asks, “You mean... kind of like a Christmas list?”
”You could think of it that way if it helps,” she tells him.
After a few more questions, the kids get down to business. Expression a little lost, Keith frowns at his paper like it’s asked him to solve a very difficult equation. Meanwhile, Lance clicks the top of his mechanical pencil a little manically and goes through his lead at an impressive pace. From the corner of his eye, Keith sees Lance flip his paper over to start filling up the back.
In response, Keith slumps over the blank page staring back at him.
Ms. Li moves around the room and checks on her students one by one. She stops when she sees Keith’s work. She crouches down next to him and speaks in a voice no one else would hear, “Keith? Do you need someone to help you write?” Her brown eyes drop to his arm, which is covered from thumb to bicep in a bulky purple cast. He’s actually glad for it at the moment. She thinks he’s not working because he physically can’t do the task.
He’s really just some kind of idiot who has no idea how to answer such a simple question.
No one’s really ever asked him what he wants.
And if this is his one chance to say it...? He doesn’t want to screw it up.
But wanting is
dangerous
.
If you want something... you can lose it, it can hurt you, it can be used against you.
It’s better not to want anything. Safer.
“Keith? You okay?” Ms. Li murmurs gently. Biting his lip, Keith nods. “I know you like to do your own work, but it’s all right to ask for help sometimes.”
“Okay,” he responds. She spares him one more worried glance before she moves on to help Shay.
Keith hopes Ms. Li won’t be too disappointed in him if he messes up this assignment.
Ms. Li is... nice. She never yells, and she calls him sweetheart and honey, and she still lets him take care of a Penny even though he knows he’s a fuck up.
On his first day back at school after Calvin broke his arm, Ms. Li invited him in early to help clean Penny’s cage, but she had it finished when he got there. Instead, she directed him to sit in the Quiet Corner and handed him a hot chocolate in a paper cup with a red sleeve. There was a little festive design in one corner that he traced with his uninjured hand. She let him hold Penny and read until school started and his classmates filed in with homemade cards and small gifts.
He wonders if she made it work out that way on purpose, but he doesn’t know why anyone would go to so much effort for him. It’s not like he’s worth it.
Before he can consider the matter further, Ms. Li redirects them to their math lesson, and Keith finds himself caught up in adding mixed numbers and converting fractions to decimals.
They finish out the day with sequins, glitter, popsicle sticks, and dry macaroni. Ana makes a Christmas tree. Hunk ends up creating a neat little box with a lid that actually works, and Shay crafts little candy canes to put into it. Keith ends up making a sparkly star. Lance glues his hand to his desk twice, but he eventually manages to put together a colorful picture frame. Ms. Li encourages them to come together in little groups to share, and Keith has fun with his friends until Ana brightly announces she’s giving her tree to her mother for Christmas.
“We can make it an ornament! Or she can take it to work and think of me when she sees it!” Ana’s grin is proud and toothy, as she’s lost the last two of her baby teeth in the last few weeks. She flips over the tree to show them where she scrawled
to mommy I love you from Ana
in green crayon.
With his stomach rising into his throat, Keith realizes that he hadn’t considered that Christmas would be different this year. There were people who were important to him now, and people who got excited about things like Christmas and birthdays and stuff.
It sounded like everyone was going to exchange gifts, but Keith can’t even remember the last time someone gave him a Christmas present.
Sure, he gets things through the donation services sometimes, but it’s not really the same as someone choosing to give something to
him
.
Shit
, he thinks, even though he knows Lance’s mama would scold him for his language. What if... What if they give him something, and he doesn’t have anything for them? What if all he can scrape together is lame, and they don’t want to be his friends anymore? What if they hate him?
Ms. Li’s gaze skims over their group just as Keith unconsciously curls in on himself and pulls his broken arm more protectively to his chest. The glimmer in his violet eyes dims, and his friends don’t notice as he shrinks and falls silent. Keith’s never been a big talker, but he’s come a long way from the beginning of the school year.
Ms. Li frowns and studies him. She won’t pretend to know what’s gotten to him. It could be something at the group home, or his arm, or his previous placements, or the holidays. She’s seen his file. She knows he’s got enough material in his life to bring anyone down.
Her gut twists as she considers the phone call she’d gotten from Debra Lewis the day after he’d broken his arm. Apparently it had taken almost twenty-four hours before anyone realized he’d been hurt. Another child saw that his arm was green and swollen and told one of the directors at the group home. When they’d asked Keith why he hadn’t said anything, he told them it wasn’t really a big deal.
What kind of fourth grader has the sort of pain tolerance to brush aside broken arm?
While Keith was in surgery the following day, the state agency reviewed the security footage and sent the perpetrator to a new location. And, in spite of his injury, Keith seemed more relaxed when he returned to school a few days later.
Ms. Li thinks over Keith’s time at City Elementary. Overall, Keith’s had a pretty good year with them thus far. For the most part, he’s adapted to his new routine well. He’s had a few somber spells, but he always manages to pull through it. He’s not really been in any sort of trouble, and his grades are excellent, especially in science and math.
All Keith really needed was a chance.
And it gets easier every day to forget that he’s experienced such extensive traumas in his young life.
Still, Li Mei knows that healing isn’t linear. She would never begrudge Keith his rough patches, and sometimes stability is change enough in itself. It lends itself to time for reflection, which can bring to light some ugly truths and realizations.
She thinks it might be a rather difficult month for Keith.
She’s right.
When the dismissal bell rings, the kids wave goodbye to one another and Keith and Lance head for the latter’s home, where his mother will be waiting with a welcoming smile and a hot meal. Lance yammers on about f
ú
tbol, video games, and his plans for the weekend while Keith glides along after him in a bit of a daze. Lance says nothing about it, but he does worm his way closer to the smaller boy and throws an arm over his shoulder. Lance tells one cheesy joke after another until they’re both cackling like he’d said something hilarious. Then Lance jostles Keith, challenges him to a race, and they’re off.
Keith's bag thuds against his back as he surges forward as swiftly as one can with a cast hindering their movements.
“Hasta la later, Keith!” Lance chirps as he takes the lead. It’s meant to goad him, and it works.
Keith’s feet fly over the pavement as he chases Lance down the street and up to the front door. Both of their hands slap the stucco at the same time before they bend over their knees and pant. Flushed with exertion, they collapse into a heap of limbs and elated, breathy giggles.
Lance beams, and Keith feels a little of the fog of worry fade in the sunlight of Lance’s fond grin.
Rosa happens upon them in this manner. Although she shakes her head disapprovingly and fusses at them for roughhousing when Keith’s hurt, the crinkle around her eyes tells Keith she isn’t really mad. She ushers them into the house, where they rush up to Lance’s room to drop off their backpacks and then hurry back down the stairs.
It’s Friday, so Keith will sleepover and spend most of Saturday with them since Mrs. McClain lets Keith stay as often as he’s allowed.
Which he appreciates.
A lot.
When he’d first shown up with his broken arm, he’d told her that it would’ve happened much sooner if he’d been around the group home more. It was meant to make her feel better, but somehow she just looked worse afterward, which he hated.
A lot.
He doesn’t want to make her sad.
He’s not worth it, even though she acts like he is.
Rosa often pokes him with her spatula and tells him he’s too skinny as she doles out an extra portion on his plate. She always sends him back with wrapped up leftovers, and she asks him about his day and helps him with homework. She made him a cake for his birthday and even bought him a really, really nice present. When he tried to give it back, she refused and told him to try them on.
They’re the most comfortable pair of tennis shoes he’s ever owned.
Keith and Lance set the table while Veronica makes a fresh pitcher of tea and Marco watches the baby. After they finish the meal, they clear it away, wash the dishes, and reconvene to work on homework for a half hour.
That’s when Keith’s improved mood takes an abrupt nosedive, like he’s a cartoon chicken that had suddenly remembered that he couldn’t fly.
Oh
, he thinks,
oh
.
He surreptitiously glances at Rosa, who is helping Marco with his history worksheet. Even though it’s not due for four more days, Lance is fervently working on their writing prompt. Keith’s eyes widen when he notices that Lance has moved on from brainstorming and started writing. He’s nearly written an entire page.
“Um,” Keith stutters as he shoves his own writing activity beneath his math homework, “You only have to write ten sentences?”
Lance pauses and blinks, like he’s so caught up in his work that he’d forgotten he was sitting in the crowded kitchen, “Oh, yeah, I know. Ms. Li won’t mind if I write more though!”
“She will if you do it at the expense of quality, mijo,” Rosa chides as she smoothes a hand through Lance’s brown hair and reads over his shoulder. “You’ve got a lot of run-on sentences, baby. Go back and fix them before you continue.” When she stops to peer over Keith’s work, the smaller boy’s shoulder hunch up around his ears. “Keith? Are you still working on math? I thought you finished yours at school today?”
“Uh, I did,” Keith swallows. “I just... wanted to check over it, I guess.”
She nods, like this is practical, and her eyes asses his answers, “Perfecto, chiquitin. Ahora muéstrame tu escritura.”
Keith dips even lower in the chair, but he takes a deep breath and steels himself. Keith shifts his papers around to reveal his writing project, and Rosa blinks. Keith whispers, “I haven’t... started. I don’t know what to say.”
Keith’s never been fond of writing anything personal, Rosa knows, but he usually manages. Rosa puckers her lips in thought. Keith’s noticed that Lance does the same thing. It’s kind of funny.
After some consideration, Rosa grabs a stray box of crayons and makes a suggestion. “Why don’t you try to draw to brainstorm? Anything that crosses your mind, nene.”
Keith frowns and mulls it over, but he decides to give it a try.
He picks up an ocean blue crayon.
“Mama! I got an A+!” Lance announces a few days later as he scurries into the kitchen. He waves his paper like it’s a flag before he presents it like a bouquet of fresh roses. “See!”
Mama smiles as she reads over his work and the teacher’s comments, “Excelente, nene. You did very well.”
“Ms. Li said what I wanted most was thoughtful and... al...altristic?”
“Altruistic,” Keith corrects as he follows Lance into the room with his backpack slung loosely over one shoulder.
“Altruistic!” Lance declares. “She says I’m a really good writer.”
Rosa puts both her hands on his shoulders and pulls him into a hug before she holds him at arm’s length and pins him with her intense gaze, “You are very
good
, my baby. You are so kind and so smart, and I am so proud of you.”
Lance can’t help the grin that splits his face as he throws his arms around his mother again, “Gracias, Mama!” When he lets go, he spins around to face Keith and push him forward. “Keith did well, too, but he won’t let me read it.”
“He doesn’t have to share.”
“I know! But I think he can at least show you, right, Keith?”
Keith glances away, which Lance has learned means that he’s nervous or thinking, but he pulls out his folder and hands it over to Rosa. The stapled papers are worn and crumpled, but it looks like he made some effort to smooth out the wrinkles. She folds over the first page, and Lance sees a flash of bright crayon before it disappears. When she finishes reading, she sniffles and wipes at her face, “Mijo, necesitas limpiar la casa. Hay polvo en mi ojo.”
“Claro que si, Mama,” Lance rolls his eyes.
His mother puts Keith’s folder down behind her on the counter and envelopes him in a hug. Reaching out with one arm, she drags Lance back in as well and tells them, “I’m so proud of you, and I love you both.” She coughs to clear the thickness from her voice as she stands, “All right. It’s Christmas break. Go play. Off with you. Shoo.” She waves them away and swipes at her eyes again, and Lance grabs Keith by the hand and tugs him up to his bedroom.
Befuddled and warm, Keith stares at their interlocked fingers in something akin to wonder. It’s nice.
“This is gonna be the best Christmas,” Lance, undaunted, tells him as they climb the stairs. “Mis primos and t
í
os are going to come and visit, and you’re going to love them. And we have this huge Christmas dinner! Everyone makes something! Even the little kids! Mama says you can work with me since it’s your first year.”
“Oh,” Keith, bowled over by Lance’s enthusiasm, can only nod along, “What are we gonna make?”
“I haven’t picked yet cause we’re making it together, so you have to help me. I’ve got Abuela’s recipe book upstairs, c’mon.”
They sit on the carpet and carefully flip through the aged pages of Lance’s grandmother’s cookbook. Everything is written in her small, tidy handwriting, and she’d even added little notes in the margins, like, “la favorita de Diego” or “usa más comino cuando cocines para Tío Santiago.”
Lance is quick to point out the little missives and likes to run his thumb over her comments. It almost feels like he gets to talk with her this way.
After a few stories and some debate, the two decide to make arroz con leche. Lance leads Keith back to the kitchen and insists they have to practice tonight if they want to get it right by Christmas. “I always practice beforehand,” Lance explains as he climbs onto chair in order to reach the highest cabinet. He pulls out a jar of cinnamon sticks and hands it to Keith. “It’s why my food always turns out so good.”
Keith zests a lemon rind while Lance measures out the other ingredients. When they’re ready to start cooking on the stove top, Mama joins them to supervise.
“Not so hot, mijo; it’ll burn the rice,” she warns as Lance adjusts the dial.
Within an hour, they manage to create a slightly lumpy mass of otherwise delicious rice pudding.
They’re happily gorging themselves on the fruits of their labor when the phone rings. Lance’s Mama’s laugh becomes a frown when she looks at the caller ID. She offers a cheery hello, but the rest of the conversation is too hushed to follow. She chews her lip when she ends the call. “Keith? That was... Ms. Lewis. You won’t be able to stay tonight after all. She needs you back at ... home.”
Lance quirks his head to the side as he struggles to interpret his mother’s strange behavior. She sounds... off. Keith shoots a furtive glance at Lance before he asks, “Um, is... Did something happen? Is something... wrong?”
“Lo siento, nene, she didn’t say. She just said that you needed to hurry back tonight.”
Keith drops his head, and Lance recognizes what that means now too. He’s upset.
But Lance doesn’t know why.
“You can come back tomorrow,” Lance nudges him with his shoulder. “We’ll have a video game marathon.”
Keith nods, but he doesn’t lift his face, “I’m gonna go get my bag.”
As soon as Keith leaves the room, Lance starts pleading with his mother, “Does he really have to go tonight, Mama? He looks sad. Can’t you call... Ms. Lewis... back?” Lance stumbles over the name. He knows there’s something more going on, but he doesn’t know what. Whenever he tries to pry, Keith gets very quiet, or his mother tells him it’s not her place.
“It won’t work,” Keith slips into the room with all the stealth of a thief. Lance didn’t even realize he was close enough to hear them talking.
“Can I at least walk you back?”
Keith shakes his head, “No, I’ll be fine.”
“You’ll come back tomorrow, though, right?”
“Yeah.”
But Keith doesn’t come the next day.
He doesn't come back at all.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The last day of fourth grade dawns bright and early and hot, and Lance walks to school alone with his new GoPhone in his pocket, a gift from his mother for his good grades.
After she’d smoothed his hair out of his face and taken his picture with his siblings, she placed it in his hand and reminded him to get all of his friends’ phone numbers before the end of the day.
“Take lots of pictures, okay, mijo,” she said as she pressed a kiss to his temple. “Hasta luego.”
Now he wraps a hand around the shiny red plastic and squeezes it as he steps up to the crowded front entrance, where Hunk, Ana, and Shay wave to him in greeting.
Lance smiles and hurries over to them, holds up the camera and tells them to say
cheese
, and he promises himself that he will never let himself lose someone again, ever.
He swears it.
When Keith didn’t show up the following day, his mamá told him not to worry; Keith was probably just busy.
She didn’t start to openly worry until after Christmas.
“Can we just make sure he’s okay?” Lance begged one morning, and she acquiesced and made some phone calls.
Her face was grim when she returned, and Lance didn’t understand the sad slump of her shoulders or the solemnity of her expression.
He waited, childlike, for her to explain, for her to make things better, like only a mother can.
“Mamá?” Lance asked. “Is Keith okay? Where’s he been?”
But she didn’t answer. She just hugged him close to her, told him that they needed to talk, led him to the living room sofa and turned to him so their knees bumped.
“I wanted Keith to have a chance to tell you on his own,” she’d said, and then she explained that Keith was an orphan, he lived in foster care, he stayed in a group home. “A veces kids like that get shuffled around.”
Lance furrowed his brow, “What do you mean?”
His mamá sighed heavily, “There was an... accident at the group home earlier in the year, and they decided it wasn’t safe to keep the younger kids there anymore, so they moved them.”
“An accident?”
“Sí,” she murmured, but she didn’t explain further.
Lance chewed this information over and finally asked again, “So is Keith okay? He wasn’t hurt, right? He’d tell me if he was hurt, so he must be okay.”
His mamá didn’t respond immediately. Instead, she bit her lip and looked away, hoped she wasn’t lying to her son, “Yes, Keith is fine.”
Truthfully, Rosa didn’t know how to tell her son that the incident was the very same event that led to his new friend’s broken arm. She didn’t know how to explain that the investigation determined that the children weren’t adequately supervised and that they had covered up other instances of violence between minors.
A worried frown etched into her features as she thought, but then a small voice prompted, “So where is he now? Can we go visit?”
She took a deep breath and crouched down so that she was on his level, put a hand on his shoulder, “I’m sorry, baby; they’re not allowed to tell us where he is now.”
Lance’s brow furrowed, and his eyes misted as the reality of the situation began to set in. He knew something was wrong when Keith didn’t come back, he knew it. Swallowing, he pushed in, unwilling to give up, “So when can we see each other then?”
Rosa’s mouth pressed into a tremulous line, “I don’t know, nene.”
And then Lance launched himself into her embrace, pressed his face into her neck, and sobbed, “
But we didn’t even get to say goodbye
.” He sniffled and coughed, buried himself even deeper in his arms and hiccuped, “Why didn’t he... he t-tell me he-he-he was leaving?”
Rosa hadn’t seen her sweet Lancito cry like this in years, and she teared up too, worried for both of them. Childhood friends came and went, she knew, but Lance bonded fast and hard with Keith, like they were two parts of a greater whole.
She squeezed Lance and tried to allay his most immediate fears, “No, no, baby, he didn’t know. He didn’t know he was leaving, okay? He would’ve told you if he’d known.”
He would’ve tried to run away,
she thought to herself.
They didn’t tell him on purpose.
“So I’ll n-never ever s-see h-him again?”
Rosa watched as the innocence of childhood had begun to peel away like chips of paint before Lance’s unusually perceptive eyes.
Rosa didn’t know it yet, but nightmares would follow.
She would get a call from Ms. Li, who told her that Lance nearly cried when he saw Keith’s empty desk, and that she was sorry; she promised to keep an eye on him at school.
And Rosa would soothe him when he worried, worried, worried.
When one of his friends was absent from school, or when he thought about having to separate for the summer. When he fretted like he thought they, too, could disappear, uprooted like a precious rose in his garden and discarded like a weed.
When anyone left the house, he would ask when they were coming back, make his family promise not to leave him.
But in that moment Rosa studied her sweet child and tried to bolster him, give him hope, give him strength. She placed a hand on his bicep, looked him in the eye, brown to his father’s ocean blue. “I don’t know, mijo,” she said honestly, and then she closed her eyes, took his hand, and placed it over her heart. She thinks of Keith’s assignment, pinned to her fridge, and she tells her son, “but I believe that there are people who have a way of finding their way back to us, and I know he wants to find his way back to you.”
What I want most is to stay here with Lance.
Keith’s last day of fourth grade comes sooner than he expected, swiftly, like a gavel on the courtroom podium.
Idly doodling on his notebook paper, he doesn’t immediately notice the teacher’s glower coming to rest on him, “Kogane, answer number seven.”
Fuck.
Keith hunkers lower in his seat, like he can hide from the teacher, but he knows it’s useless.
Like many before him, Mr. Iverson had taken one look at Keith’s permanent record and decided he was a discipline case.
He treated him accordingly, like Keith was a particularly nasty bug that he’d like to crush under the heel of his boot.
He’s glad that the year is almost over, though he knows if he were still at City Elementary he would already be finished.
And then Keith frowns.
His new school is nothing like City Elementary. There is no Ms. Li to be ready with a warm smile and praise for his good work. There is no Penny to chitter at him happily whenever he strokes a hand over her soft fur. There is no Hunk, no Shay, no Ana, no one who is excited to see him.
And there is no Lance.
But he can’t change it.
And he can’t go back.
This is his life now.
This is
always
his life.
So Keith looks out the window and tries to ignore the indignant teacher at the front of the room.
Iverson grumbles something, and the other kids stare at Keith and begin to whisper amongst themselves.
Keith doesn’t want to do this again, wishes Iverson would just leave him alone because he knows how it will go.
No, he wasn’t paying attention, no, he doesn’t know the answer, no, he doesn’t think he’s funny, fine, he’ll go to the principal’s office, and the whole conversation will be peppered with insults and snide remarks about his intelligence and general lack of redeeming qualities.
It’s like a fucking movie he’s seen too many times, and he knows how it ends. He doesn’t want to watch it again.
Like clockwork, a furious Mr. Iverson stalks to Keith’s desk in the back of the room and stands over him like he’s the judge, jury, and executioner.
Though his bulky frame dwarfs him, Keith resists the urge to cringe away, refuses to be cowed.
Fear is weakness, and he can’t afford to be weak. He knows better.
Instead of meeting the teacher’s harsh glare, Keith studies the long, thick scar that runs the length of his forearm and the bend of his elbow. It’s still puckered and red, but he supposes, like all scars, it will fade one day to an unremarkable pink.
It didn’t matter how much it hurt, how deep it ran, it would become forgettable, like him.
Unhappy with Keith’s contemptuous silence, Iverson’s finger taps insistently on his textbook in an effort to get his attention, “Young man, I asked you a question and I expect a response.”
Keith narrows his eyes, bites his tongue until he tastes blood, tells himself that he won’t back down.
A large hand flattens against his desk with a thud, and a few of the other kids jump in surprise, “I’m warning you, Kogane. I am sick and tired of your attitude.”
But Keith holds his ground, holds his resolve, while Iverson glares down at him with vitriol in his brown eyes.
The teacher lowers his voice to a vicious, menacing whisper, “You’re lucky you weren’t born in my day, boy. You’ve been coddled too much. A good paddling would fix you up quick.” Iverson sucks in a breath through his nose, like he’s trying to steady himself, and his tone is laced with threat, “This is the last straw. I am going to ask you the answer to number seven, and you say what?”
And Keith can’t take it anymore.
He thinks about all the things Iverson has sneered at him, all the times he’s implied to the entire class that Keith is stupid.
He thinks of all the times he’s been afraid, right to be afraid, all the times he’s been hurt.
He thinks about all the adults in his life, all the ways they’ve let him down, and he’s mad, he’s so mad.
He’s mad at everyone.
He’s mad at his mom for abandoning him. He’s mad at his dad for going back into that building. He’s mad at his caseworker, at foster parents like Ted and Natalie, at kids like Calvin who ruin everything.
He’s mad that he finally found a place where he wanted to stay, and
they fucking took him away and dropped him here,
like he’s just another piece of luggage on the baggage claim, like he’s not even a fucking person.
He’s mad that he’s an afterthought, unnoticeable, forgettable.
And Keith mutters, “Fuck you.”
It’s too quiet for the teacher to hear.
“What was that?” Iverson demands.
And Keith stands up so fast that his chair clatters behind him and bounces off the next desk.
He draws himself up to his full height, clenches his fists, and shouts with a voice too thick with emotion right in the teacher’s face, “I said, FUCK YOU!”
Someone gasps, and Iverson’s fist comes down so hard on the desk that the laminate cracks. His face purples with rage. He roars, “Get OUT! Get OUT of my classroom! Get OUT!”
Keith shoves his desk aside and lets it crash to the ground. He gives Iverson a wide berth and marches to the front of the room.
And then he looks back.
The girl who sits behind him is out of her desk, curling behind one of her friends. The other kids have backed away from him and watch him with wary, fearful eyes.
And he hates it.
He hates it so much.
He turns on his heel and bolts from the classroom with his head bent low, with a vice around his heart, with tears in his eyes.
And he’s scared of this feeling, this anger, this thing inside of him that writhed like a living thing. He’s scared of himself.
And he hates it.
The resource officer catches him at the front doors, and Keith just stops. He huffs in a sob and lets himself be led to the office, like a criminal to the gallows.
Because he thinks about the words he wrote so many months ago, a lifetime ago, and what he doesn’t deserve.
Because everyone is right about him after all.
Even if he didn’t know it that morning, it’s Keith’s last day of fourth grade, too, however many miles away he is from City Elementary’s festivities. For him, there are no end of the year activities, no pictures, no ceremony.
Because at his new school it’s only Keith’s last day.
Because today he finally gets expelled.