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To lead a better life...I need my love to be here....
Here, making each day of the year
Changing my life with the wave of her hand
Nobody can deny that there's something there
There, running my hands through her hair
Both of us thinking how good it can be
Someone is speaking but she doesn't know he's there
I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share
Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there- Lennon/McCartney
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~They cuddled on and off all during the night, each seeking the other during wakeful moments. He slept lightly, unused to the intermittent sounds coming from the baby monitor as their girls made noises in their sleep. At one point, when it was early enough to hear the birds singing, but too early for anyone within the cozy house to be awake, she wearily moved to get up at the sound of Tess' cry, but his hand stilled her. The next thing she heard was his soothing voice over the monitor: "Shh, shh, Daddy's here...." For the first time since their birth, she abdicated responsibility and fell again into restful slumber. And so he had rocked Tess back to sleep before returning to bed, resting instead of sleeping, tranquilly soaking Carol in.Her shoulders rose and fell and her arms were almost wrapped around her body, a habitual pose borne of her months of loneliness. But he had no knowledge of this and thought she looked sweetly endearing. Sleeping in Carol's bed again, waking up next to her in the house they had made into a home, was a lost pleasure for him and he took advantage of it, studying her with adoration. There was so much about her that he delighted in. The way her lush eyelashes curled up at the ends. The dark tangles upon her head against the creaminess of her skin. Her scent. He lay on his pillow some inches away from her, breathing as softly and shallowly as he could, trying hard not to disturb her. Carol stirred and lay on her back, her face turned away from him, and as he was unable to sleep he begrudgingly realized his day had begun. As Doug gingerly climbed out of bed, he turned back to reposition the covers and smiled. The soft fabric of her pajama shirt was wet with breast milk.The house was quiet and he puttered around aimlessly, determined not to walk upstairs again lest he disturb the twins. So, he spent some time putting a few stray toys away, cleaning up a bottle left on the table from the night before. He measured out the coffee and switched the coffee maker on, then put the clean dishes away. After making sure the kitchen was in order, he walked through the living room and opened the first door to the vestibule, then opened the front door to enjoy the fragrant morning breeze. The sun was just rising. A fresh copy of the Tribune lay on the steps as usual and he opened the screen door to reach it, sitting on the top step to read. Just as he turned to the sports page, he heard a loud wail coming from the nursery.Back into the house he went. After tossing the paper aside, he climbed the stairs. Tess was sitting up, awake and tearful. "Hey, punkin', those teeth bothering you?" he whispered. Tess held her arms up and he took her to him with a pat and a kiss. "I know, I know." When he snuck a peek into Kate's crib, he saw that she was still sleeping, but it was evident by the balled-up blanket that she, too, had had an eventful night when he wasn't looking. "Tess, let's get out of here before you get Kate goin', too." Grabbing a diaper and the box of wipes, he stole out of their room and walked into the other upstairs bedroom. "You're kinda stinky, ya know," he laughed as he carefully placed her on the bed. Tess pouted and began crying again, angry that he'd put her down. "Hey, none of this. You've got a poopy diaper, little girl. This will not do." He adroitly cleaned and changed her even as she fussed, then picked her up. "All done, sweetheart." Doug kissed her as she quieted and her soft, sleepy body relaxed into his. "You're my girl, aren't you?"He took the diaper in his free hand and they went into the upstairs bathroom. Tess immediately looked up and reached out to the window and he grinned when he saw what caught her attention. "You like that? It's pretty, isn't it, all those colors?" He shook the diaper, emptying it over the toilet, wrapped it up and then tossed it into the trashcan. "He shoots, he scores!" Doug said but Tess ignored him, entranced by the window again. "We should take that with us when we move, shouldn't we?" He balanced her in one arm, then the other while he washed and dried his hands, then carried her down the steps, bouncing her as they went."Do you know you're going to come live with me now, Tess? I bought a house for us, yes I did. It's got lots of grass to play on and a lake to swim in. I can build a tree house, if you help me, and we can feed the ducks every day if you want. We have a boat, too, for you and your sister to ride in. Mommy's gonna come and you and Kate and we'll be together. We'll all be together."He reached into the refrigerator and found a bottle to heat up as Tess became impatient and began crying again. "It's coming, hang on." He microwaved it, and then shook the bottle to distribute the heat evenly, testing it against his wrist, remembering that he always advised patients against heating it up this way. "Don't tell anyone, Tess." They settled down on the couch and he smiled at her. She reached for the bottle, sucked on it briefly, and stopped."What, is it too hot?" he asked, worried that he'd hurt her. Shaking it, he tested it again; it was warm, but not hot. "Here you go, Tess, it's fine." She wouldn't open her mouth, but turned away and began crying again. "I know you're hungry. What is it?"No matter what he did, whether it was to walk her around or encourage her to help hold the bottle herself, she wasn't interested. He even gave her some medicine in case her teething was too painful, but nothing helped. Just as he was mulling over his next steps, he heard Kate babbling in her crib. "How did your Mommy do this?" he asked aloud. Doug got up and walked quietly into the bedroom. He hated to bother Carol, but he couldn't figure out what was going on with Tess, and needed to go up and get Kate."Carol," he called softly, "I'm sorry to wake you up. Tess won't take her bottle."Opening her eyes, she smiled at him and wrinkled her nose at Tess, teasing her. "I swear it's because she knows I'm here. She's miserable, she just wants to nurse.""Nurse her, then," he shrugged."But I've weaned them," she reasoned as she sat up.Doug smiled. "Not according to Tess, you haven't. You're still producing some milk, right?"Rolling her eyes, she pulled at her wet top. "Uh huh.""Do you really want to wean them? I mean, now that you're not going to be working?"She shook her head slowly. "No. I don't. I mean, I want to give them bottles sometimes, but I...I miss nursing them, Doug. But I haven't nursed or pumped for days.""Doesn't matter. If you want to keep nursing, put her to your breast again. She'll take care of it. And of course," he added wickedly, "I'm available to help boost your milk supply in any way I can.""You are so crude," Carol laughed."Yes, I am," he pleasantly agreed. Carol took Tess into bed and lifted her top. At the sight of Carol's breast, Tess began flailing her arms excitedly."You want to nurse, hmm? Okay, baby, okay," she uttered softly. Tess quickly latched on and gazed up at her mother's face. As the baby began suckling, she grinned and a small bit of milk escaped her mouth. "You stinker," Carol said. "You think you charmed me into it, don't you?"Doug lay down next to her, tenderly stroking Tess' hair. "I love watching this," he said quietly."Get a vicarious thrill out of it, do you?" she teased."No, no" he answered seriously, frowning at her joke. "No, it's just...you're such a good mother." Carol was pleased at his comment and was about to reply when the youngest member of the family began crying in the nursery. Doug shook his head and got up to get her. "Whaddya want me to do with Kate? Feed her or bring her in to nurse?"Sighing, Carol waved her hand in the air. "Bring her on, the more the merrier.""She'll be happy to hear it," he joked, and went upstairs to get their daughter.Carol played with Tess' hair. "Was that nice, having Daddy here when you woke up? Yeah. It's nice for me, too, Tess." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, amazed that this much happiness had been waiting for her all along."Here she is, and she's all smiles," Doug announced as he and Kate entered. He set Kate down on Carol's other side and Carol shifted slightly, then picked up her shirt and brought the baby to her."You wanna nurse, too?" she asked quietly. Kate began nursing, and Carol felt that same surge of love that breastfeeding her babies always brought. "It's amazing, Doug. I mean, what happens to me physically when I nurse them.""Oxytocin," he interjected, chuckling. "Nice hormone, hmm?""Yeah, it's true," she agreed. "That's why I'd want to nurse them at the hospital daycare. It was relaxing for me, too. It was wonderful, taking time out for them. I would dream of staying home with them, of being there all day, every day."He stroked her face briefly with his thumb. "Now you get to do it.""Now we get to be a family," she added and leaned down to kiss the tops of her daughters' brown heads.*****Doug showered first while Carol finished nursing the babies before feeding them some cereal. When he was dressed he bathed them upstairs as she took her shower downstairs. They decided that he'd stay home with the girls and get some work done around the house while she went to the hospital to gather her things.She took his rental car, remembering with some amusement how she'd returned the car she'd bought with Luka's help the very day after she'd bought it. The trip to the hospital was one she could easily make with her eyes closed, but she stayed attentive throughout, wanting to remember every landmark on her way. For the longest time, her work at the hospital was her salvation, the glue that kept her life from coming apart.Carol parked and walked into the door, trying as hard as she could to be inconspicuous, and it worked until she attempted to slip into the lounge to empty out her locker. She came face-to-face with Mark and Kerry, in some heavy discussion."Carol, hi," Mark smiled wearily. "Welcome back.""Back to Chicago, yes. Back here, no," Carol reminded him pleasantly."So I heard," Mark replied."How are the girls?" Kerry asked."Great. They're at home playing with Doug...." Carol paused, tucking her hair behind one ear, looking down and smiling happily. "They were playing on the floor with their daddy when I left."Kerry smiled in return and got up to leave, wanting to give Carol some private time with Mark. "Listen, after you say your goodbyes around here, I want to talk to you, get your input on who might be a good replacement for you.""Oh, Kerry, I'm not much for long, drawn-out goodbyes," Carol sighed. "And I'd hate to single out one nurse. But I'll come see you," she added."Good. Mark, we'll talk later."Kerry left and Carol sat opposite Mark. "Hi.""Hi.""How are things?" she asked warmly."Awful."Frowning, Carol pressed him, "Why?""Things are falling apart. Not because you're gone, of course," Mark teased."What things?""I dunno. It just...since my father died, I've just been seeing things differently.""What things?""Well, like my whole relationship with Rachel. She needs me, and I need her."Carol nodded, assenting. "God, you don't have to convince me of that, Mark. A girl, especially one Rachel's age, needs her father.""I feel like I've missed out on so much, even though I've been able to see her, even though Jennifer and I were together when she was a baby." Mark looked at her thoughtfully. "I bet Doug is loving all this, isn't he?""We're both so happy, Mark. And you? How are you and Elizabeth doing?""We're good. Really good.""Don't make the same mistake I've made." Mark looked at her with curiosity, and she resumed talking. "I've never been happier than I am now, because I love him. It took so long for me to know...." Carol looked past him with regret in her eyes. "I guess I always knew my heart belonged to Doug. That I loved him. I was just too afraid to give myself up to him." Even as she spoke it, Mark saw in her face the realization that she'd never spoken truer words. She blinded him with a radiant smile. "Don't wait too long, with Elizabeth. If you're ready to make a commitment to her, do it. Hey, I have to get going. I've got a lot to do today." She got up, as he did, and accepted his fleeting embrace. As she opened her locker, his voice was quiet and tremulous."I don't know what I'm gonna do without the two of you," he confessed.Turning to him, she remarked, not unkindly, "You have Elizabeth, who is the most wonderful woman. And I...I feel like I've hardly been here at all. We were both already gone, Mark. You've been doing it since he left. Maybe even before then." Mark looked hurt and puzzled, so she continued. "You've already moved on. You have Kerry, Luka, Carter...all of them are still here.""I guess so. It seems like it was a lifetime ago that Doug left. So after all that happened...everything's okay with you two?""Yeah, it is. I can't believe it, but it is. If I think about how he was treated when he left here, I'm...it was awful for him. You, Kerry, me...we were all so ready to kick him when he was down, to let him go without concern, without encouragement. Since he's been gone, I've seen each of you...no, each of us...do something outside of the rules, outside of what we as professionals call accepted practice. None of us was as...reviled as he was. Doug may have left here in disgrace, but his work here was never disgraceful. I've never met a more competent, compassionate, caring doctor...or man...than Doug. I love him, Mark, and I always have. You all learned to live without him, but I never did. His love is...it's everything to me." Carol blinked back her tears. "I'm just grateful that he forgives me." She shook her head and sighed. "I'm sorry," she said finally. "I didn't mean to go on and on...I have to get going." Silently opening her locker, she began the task of emptying it. Feeling as though he should give her privacy, he walked out, only to look back and see her reach toward the top, toward the back. She smiled as she held a picture of Doug in her hands; Doug and their children.*****After she had filled her knapsack, she tugged at the strap, securing her treasures, and walked out of the lounge for the last time, feeling peaceful and content. "Have you seen Kerry?" she asked Frank, the temporary desk clerk."In a meeting," he replied. "But she's due back any time now."Carol nodded. "And..." she began with some trepidation, "Dr. Kovac? Is he on?""He's always on," Frank exaggerated. "Oh, Carol? You got flowers. They came yesterday morning," he added, pointing to an arrangement left on the admit desk. "I put water in them for you.""Thanks. From who?" she asked, circling around to see them."I didn't read the card," he said. "But Randi wanted to.""Why am I not surprised?" Carol muttered. She opened the card and smiled deeply. "From Tess and Kate. It's for Mother's Day.""They must be advanced for their age, huh?" Frank teased. "Using a phone and a credit card so young."Carol looked puzzled. Who would have sent flowers to her at the hospital? She looked at the envelope and decided to call the florist. It rang a few times, and then they answered."Deerborn Florists.""Hi, I got an arrangement from your shop yesterday and....""Was there a problem?" the woman asked."No, no, they're fine, they're beautiful. But I was wondering if you could tell me who sent them.""I can try. What's your name?""Carol Hathaway, and I'm at County General Hospital.""Hold on, let me see if I can find the FTD order."Carol waited, watching the patients in chairs, feeling responsible for them when she knew they were no longer her responsibility."Miss Hathaway?""Yes?""Thanks for holding. The order originated from Seattle, Washington. It was placed this past Tuesday, May 9, and -- hang on, let me see the customer....""No, that's okay," she said, smiling. "I know who the customer is. Thanks so much.""You're welcome, enjoy."Carol hung up the phone and looked at the flowers again. Before he even knew what she'd decided, before she'd made up her mind to go see him, Doug had remembered Mother's Day and had sent flowers to her from the girls. She sighed contentedly."Hey, Carol?" Frank said, interrupting her thoughts as he looked over the schedule. "Dr. Kovac is on, but he's supposed to be leaving soon.""Okay, thanks, Frank." Determined to find him, Carol visually scoured the board. "If you see Kerry, tell her I'm still here," Carol commented as she walked away in search of Luka. It wasn't hard to locate him; she heard his distinctive voice long before she saw him and waited patiently for him to excuse himself. When he did, he looked at her with both surprise and disdain. She recoiled inwardly from the aversion so present in his eyes, yet she addressed him nonetheless."Excuse me, Dr. Kovac," she began, addressing him formally in front of the patient, but he brushed her aside."I'm sorry, Miss Hathaway, I have patients waiting."Miss Hathaway. Not "Carol," not even "Nurse Hathaway.""Luka, please," she entreated him softly, but he swept past her in a flurry of resentment."There's no talking to him," Chuny advised her in passing. "Good luck, Carol, in Seattle," she added with a quick hug and she, too, went about her work.Carol sighed. She didn't blame Luka for feeling as he did, but it was still hard to accept that he regarded her so coldly."Carol, you were looking for me?" Kerry asked, bursting through Carol's thoughts.Turning to her, Carol nodded. "Yes, I...I wanted to say goodbye. To thank you for all you've done.""Come in, come in here," Kerry advised her, and they walked almost unwittingly into the empty pediatric room. Carol smiled inwardly, knowing whose determination...and heart...had created this sanctuary for children. Indeed, it had been a place she had stolen to at times, feeling close to him as she lay her hands upon the walls, tracing over the mural, or watched as the supplies he'd ordered were used, and ordered anew. It was the place she'd taken their daughters, unseen by anyone on staff, and told them about their father and how dedicated he was to the children he treated; about the man who loved her so much that he'd given her two princess girls.Kerry, seeing the expression on Carol's face, realized intuitively the reason for her delight. "You still think of this room as his?"Carol looked around and nodded. "Yeah, I do. This place, the work that was done here, and is still done here, is a testament to his love for children. He worked hard for this, it's his legacy. I was so proud of him.""He did a good job with this," Kerry concurred. "You did a good job here, too, Carol. The quality of care you gave, that you expected from your nursing staff and from the doctors who worked with you, that's your legacy. We'll miss you." Kerry reached out to her and Carol moved past her arm to embrace her."Kerry, thank you for everything.""It was a pleasure," Kerry assured her. They parted and Kerry swiped at her face quickly before opening the door and leaving. Carol dallied, looking for one last time at Doug's pedes room, and as she went to leave, she came face-to-face with Mark."I wanted to give you a proper goodbye," he said huskily, his sadness evident. Carol held her arms out and accepted his kiss with her cheek. "I'm jealous of Doug," Mark added."Jealous? Why?" Carol asked incredulously."Because he gets to have you for the rest of his life, and that means we don't get to," he answered sweetly.Carol grinned and hugged him again. "I love you, Mark. You're always welcome to come visit. You, Rachel, and Elizabeth. I wish you would.""We will," he promised.They exited together, and Mark escorted her to the door, watching as Carol, flower arrangement in her arms, closed her eyes and took a deep breath of sunshine before disappearing into the crowd.He begrudgingly went back to his patients, only now feeling the void she'd left. Luka sought him after a while and noticed Mark's melancholy expression."Has she gone?" Luka asked simply."Yeah," he answered glumly. "Did you get a chance to say goodbye?"Luka nodded. "Yes, I got a chance."*****Carol arrived home at lunch carrying her flowers and found Doug elbow deep in baby food."Yum, looks like I'm just in time," she teased him."You can scrape some carrots off my face if you're hungry," he offered."Thanks, no, I'd rather kiss it off of Kate's," she countered cheerfully. For the girls were a messy sight. "Can we be certain any of this went into your tummies?" Carol asked her girls."Based on the fact that they quit squawking, I'd say at least fifty percent made it there," Doug calculated. "They are unbelievable.""They are," she agreed proudly. "And look what I found waiting for me at the hospital! From Tess and Kate. Thank you, girls."Doug smiled up at her. "I forgot about those," he admitted."I think it was very sweet. Thank you," she answered sincerely. "Looks like you were painting outside, right?""Yes, we did. We started painting the porch roof," Doug answered. "Tess wanted to help, but I told her she had to play with her sister."Tess watched her father intently while Kate sucked the rest of the carrots off of her chubby fist and smiled up at her mother, reaching out to her. "Are you done?" Carol opened the drawer and got out a clean washcloth and moistened it before swabbing Kate's hands and face. She removed her bib and unbuckled her youngest, then drew her into her embrace. "Mommy loves you, Kate," Carol breathed happily.Doug finished feeding Tess, cleaning her up in like fashion. "Do you think you guys can stand being banished to the playpen so Mommy and I can have lunch?" he requested."We can try," Carol sighed. They deposited the girls into the living room and they found toys to their liking, at least for the moment."Carol, do we have anything good to eat?" he asked, searching aimlessly in the near-empty refrigerator."Not much. There are some hot dogs in there," she recalled."You want me to grill them?""Nah, I'll just microwave them," she decided."There's something so...un-American about that," he argued mildly."Maybe," she replied, "but I may not have more than 45 seconds to make lunch, with those two so close to their naps."Carol made the hotdogs and offered two to Doug. He made quick work of them and popped open a beer."Doug, I wish you wouldn't drink now," she admonished him.He looked over at her, questioning her disapproval. "What's wrong?""If you're getting up on a ladder to work, I'd rather you didn't have anything alcoholic to drink."Doug considered this. "Okay, well, I already opened it. How about I fix the steps and finish painting the porch, and I'll save the shingles until later, or tomorrow?""Thank you," she smiled warmly."What else do you need to do?""I need to go to the store to get some food and to the drugstore to fill a prescription.""Oh," he commented, raising his eyebrows provocatively. "Anything I might be interested in?""Maybe," she countered, and laughed deeply."Far be it from me to keep you from the pharmacy."They finished lunch and cleaned up, then put the girls down for a nap. "I'll be back soon. You be careful, and no ladders!" Carol reminded him."No ladders for an hour, then I'm going to tackle that roof.""Be careful," she repeated and kissed him lightly on the lips. She turned, but he grabbed her from behind, surrounding her with one arm while he pulled her hair back, away from her neck, with his free hand. "Doug, don't," she begged helplessly as he softly kissed her neck."Why not?" he murmured in response."Because I need to buy a diaphragm first.""I brought condoms.""Doug, no," she protested weakly even as she involuntarily pushed her hips back against him, becoming aroused by his touch."Okay, you win," he said suddenly and backed away from her."Hey!" she yelled, turning to face him. "Get back here!" Carol giggled and Doug returned, laughing as he lured her into his embrace."What, you change your mind?" he challenged her."No. I just want one more kiss. You get me all started and then....""Then what?" His eyes were gleaming."Then," she said softly, kissing his mouth and holding him close, "I fall in love with you and want you to stay with me forever."They embraced tenderly and held each other. "I will, sweetheart," he promised."I know," came her whispered reply.*****Doug worked on the exterior of the house while the girls slept. He finished his painting and, when he was certain he could assure Carol that he was no longer impaired by his single beer at lunch, he ventured onto the roof of the house and tacked the loose shingles that she had pointed out earlier. Just as he was through and began climbing down the ladder, he noticed a man was approaching."Hello, is the owner of the house here?"Doug looked down and squinted, the bright sunlight hindering his sight. "She's at the store. Can I help you?"Luka stopped breathing a moment, realizing who the shirtless man on the ladder was. Not a laborer, not a roofer, but so obviously Doug Ross. Tess' eyes, Kate's mouth, there they were, put together on this man's face. At once, Luka felt awkward. "I'm sorry, uh, no. I'm...I'm Luka Kovac, I worked with Carol at County. She...." Luka, who had spoken English for so many years now, felt again as he did when he first landed in this country. The words, barely formed in his mind, came reluctantly to his tongue. "Uh, she stopped by at work, but I didn't have a chance to wish her good luck."Doug nodded and finished his descent. "She mentioned you. I'm Doug Ross," he said, extending a hand. "Nice to meet you."Luka's jaw tightened as they shook hands. "Nice to meet you, too."They stood there, sizing each other up silently, instantly. Luka had the urge to stretch himself into his full height, to try to take some sort of primordial advantage where he felt so disadvantaged. However, next to Doug's athletic, toned body, Luka felt awkward.Just then, a string of babbled sounds emanated from the quiet hum of the monitor that was perched on the railing. "Hang on...sorry, I'm...I hear Kate, I'll be right back," Doug said and he disappeared into the house while Luka, resisting the temptation to run, cooled his heels. This mystery rival from Seattle was not what he expected. He was handsome and trim, muscular and tanned, and his eyes radiated a kindness of spirit that Luka would have liked to think didn't exist in him. This man, this man he wanted to believe had cruelly abandoned Carol and her babies, here he was, working on the roof in the hot sun, tending to her babies.Why did he wait, why didn't he just say goodbye and be gone? Was it because he wanted to see the girls one more time? Or was it because he hoped he'd get some sort of a reaction from one of them, some overt recognition that would make him feel he'd been significant in their lives and in Carol's?Just as Luka was about to turn and leave, he heard Doug. "Here we go, Katie girl, let's go outside." Doug emerged wearing a t-shirt and holding Kate. Luka's heart fell. There, where Luka had imagined he'd be, was Doug, walking out into a beautiful day with his daughter's head firmly tucked into his neck, her chubby hand patting his shoulder. Doug, forgetting his attempt to be aloof, grinned at Luka. "She's a handful, this one.""Yeah, so I know," Luka replied."I guess so," Doug answered evenly. Kate, upon hearing Luka's voice, picked her head up momentarily and glanced at Luka, then languidly reverted to her comfort position. "Carol should be home soon. You wanna come in, wait for her?" he offered."No, that's okay. Just, uh, tell her I stopped by. It was nice to meet you," Luka added, resisting the temptation to touch Kate's silky brown hair."You, too," Doug said without conviction. "C'mon, short stuff, let's go get you a bottle." With that, Doug turned away from him and climbed the porch steps. Luka, riveted to the ground, watched as memories of his own children came back to him, the feel of his daughter's cheek on his own, his son's arms around his neck.He walked back to his car and started it up, driving down the street and into the alley before he applied the brake and took a deep breath. Why had it never occurred to him that Doug would have missed his children, would have been as miserable without them as Luka was without his own? He shook his head and drove on, feeling even more shaken than he was this morning with Carol.*****Carol arrived home to find Doug and the girls playing noisily in the living room. Tess and Kate laughed each time he popped out from behind the sofa, and he laughed in response to them. "So, I go away for a little while and come back to this nonsense?" she ribbed him."Indeed you have. They napped and they had a gourmet snack of delicious mashed up banana and now they are busy drooling all over your rug."She put her bags down and sat on the sofa. "Drool away, ladies."Doug collapsed onto the floor, ending the game much too soon for his daughters. "So, didja get everything?" he asked suggestively."I think I did," she answered, smiling. "It's gonna be so weird, using a diaphragm again after all this time. You look tired; what'd you guys do this afternoon?""Most of us took a nap while one of us worked on the roof. I say they're becoming slackers and need to pull their weight," he declared, picking up Kate and tossing her lightly into the air before kissing her wet cheek.Enjoying his silliness, Carol moved down next to him and chimed in; "Next time they'll steady the ladder for you, okay?""Now you're talkin'. Hey, you gotta tell me what else needs to get done around here."She thought for a minute. "The basement just needs to be straightened up; I can do that. The only thing I can really think of is the backyard. It needs to be weeded, the beds are awful. I haven't had any time to do anything back there.""So tomorrow we do the backyard?""That'd be great. Thank you," she added sincerely."For what?""Helping me.""I figure," he said, kissing her between words, "that the faster I get this stuff done, the faster I get you and the girls in Seattle with me.""So you're not doing this out of the goodness of your heart?" she challenged him."No. Selfishness, pure and simple," he chuckled in reply.*****They ordered pizza for dinner and ate it while they fed the babies. Doug gave the girls each a piece of hard pizza crust to chew on, figuring it might help pop their teeth through their gums, and kept a close eye on them to be sure they didn't choke on any loose pieces."This teething business is hell," Carol noted."It's pretty awful for them, I know. Hey, you know what I want to do tonight?"She looked up at him. "What?""I want to take a bath together.""Okay," she said agreeably."I mean all of us. You think the four of us can fit in the tub?"Carol grinned. "I don't know. You wanna try?""Yeah, I do. Think of the money we'll save on hot water," he quipped."Enough for a few plane tickets, maybe?"He decided he liked the sound of that. "Maybe."After dinner, Doug ran the water in the large tub and when it was warm and comfortable, Carol removed her clothes and climbed in. Doug handed the naked, wriggling babies in to her one at a time and got undressed, joining them. He eagerly took Tess into his arms. "This is nice, isn't it sweetheart?" he asked her and she splashed so hard with her legs that she got water in Kate's face, making her cry. "Hey, no splashing, the lifeguard'll kick you out!" he exclaimed.The four of them soaked for a while, then Doug took the bar of soap and a cloth and began washing Tess. When he was finished, Carol did the same for Kate, until she started fussing. "I have to get out, Doug, she sees my breasts and wants to nurse.""Now, I can't say that I blame her," he confided quietly into Tess' ear, enjoying an eyeful of Carol."Can you try hard not to be a pig in front of your daughters?" Carol demanded, pretending to be offended."I'll try, but sooner or later they need to learn that all men are pigs.""Let them live with the illusion for a while longer," she recommended.Carol handed Kate to Doug, got out and wrapped her terry cloth robe around her. She then got two towels, one for each girl and with Doug's help, wrapped each of them up snuggly. Doug got up, took a towel from a nearby hook and secured it around his waist, then helped Carol get the girls dried and dressed.The babies nursed happily and with a little gentle persuasion, got to sleep at a decent hour. Doug poured a glass of wine for each of them, and waited in the bedroom while Carol brushed her teeth, combed her hair, and made certain she took the time to carefully put her diaphragm in. She emerged from the bathroom and as she opened a drawer to get a pair of pajamas, his voice stopped her."Don't put anything on. Take that off, let me see you."So, Carol turned to him and shed her robe, hotly aware of his eyes on her. His arms rose in anticipation of her softness and she crept toward him, already feeling a physical reaction from being near to him. She sank into his chest and breathed him in as his arms enfolded her. "We haven't made love in my bed in a long time," she whispered."No, but I used to dream it," he revealed. "I'd go to sleep at night and think of you for hours. Sometimes I was lucky and I....I got to make love to you, just in a dream," he shared, chuckling shyly"Was I pregnant?""Hmm?""In your dreams.""Once," he hushed, remembering. "You were wearing your robe and you took it off in front of me, just like you did now. Those dreams, though...they were never enough. So, the last time we made love here...what happened then?" he asked coyly, fully knowing as he handed her a glass of wine.She smiled in return. "Our Tess and our Kate." Their glasses met in a toast and they each took a sip."I was afraid that night," he confessed as he put his glass aside, taking hers as well."Of what?""Of everything. That it would be the last time we'd be together. Afraid that...I thought that you'd put your diaphragm in so we wouldn't conceive. That the last thing you'd want was a baby from me."Carol smoothed his hair and petted him, disturbed at this glimpse into his hurt. "I wanted it more than anything, Doug. Your baby. Babies."Doug pulled her down for a kiss and she held him tightly."When Tess was born," Carol began, "I was so.... There she was, she was proof, finally, of our love. She looked so much like you. Her nose, her eyes. I was in so much pain, and then there she was, exactly like you. No one acknowledged it, though. She was so plainly your daughter and no one...not Haleh, not Chuny or Kerry, would say it. My heart was...I was bursting to say it, to say, 'Look at her, she's Doug's daughter.'""I would have come." His quiet voice was meant to soothe her, but it did not."I know. I wanted you there. God, I wanted you there. For you to see...." Her eyes glistened with sadness and he held her tenderly."I didn't mean to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you," he said into her hair. "When you called me, it...I was so sorry I wasn't there. And I was so happy you'd named our firstborn Tess.""It was the name you loved," she recalled. "'A beautiful name,' you said, 'our daughter should have a beautiful name. Theresa...Theresa Ross. And I'll push her on a backyard swing as high as she lets me and call her Tess.'""I remember." Doug turned over, taking her with him so she was on her back, underneath him, and he kissed her lips, then her neck and just above her breasts. "They're beautiful like their mother."Carol smiled widely at his heartfelt compliment. "They are every inch your girls.""Thank you for our girls." He smiled momentarily, but then became somber as he remembered her visitor. "Hey, Carol, while you were gone, your friend stopped by. Luka.""Luka?" she asked, surprised. "What'd he want?""He said he stopped by to wish you good luck. You didn't see him this morning?""No. Just Mark and Kerry. I tried to say goodbye to Luka, but he was busy." Carol pushed her hair back and sighed. "Actually, Doug, he wasn't busy. He totally ignored me."Doug shifted onto his back, putting his hands behind his head as he watched her expression. "Why'd he do that?"Carol looked away. "Because I hurt his feelings. We were friends, we were close, and...I guess we...I don't know how to explain it.""I'm listening," he encouraged her."Well, I was so confused about you. I mean, I was so stubborn and hurt and angry that I thought maybe I should...." She was at a loss for words."Should forget me, move on?" he suggested."No, Doug. I mean, yeah. It sounds awful, but I guess that's it. Move on. Luka was always around, always ready to help. He was fun and nice and he really enjoyed the girls." Carol closed her eyes, hesitant to say any more."Was he around them a lot?""Not that much, but enough that he...he would stop by, have dinner and play with them sometimes. Things went slowly, you know? I mean, we never dated, but then he gave me flowers for my birthday and he said he wanted to see if we could, you know, if there was a sort of future for us.""Um hmm." Doug's face remained cool, but she knew he was pained by her comments."Well, I kept putting him off and when I left to come out to you, I told him that I loved you. And that I needed to see if you'd have me back. So, I tried to be his friend and he was mine, and in the end, I hurt him without really meaning to."Doug nodded and stayed quiet a moment, thinking. "Yeah, I guess I'll take you back." He smiled at her and chuckled warmly."I love you, Doug.""Me, too. I'm glad you didn't...that you weren't with him," Doug disclosed clumsily.Carol said nothing, but grazed his cheek with her lips."I get jealous, you know? Thinking about it.""Don't," she said quietly.He shrugged, "But I do."What always surprised her during moments like this was rediscovering how vulnerable Doug truly was. The swagger he'd displayed years ago, the womanizing, predatory behavior, was all a facade. The man he was underneath all that was as uncertain and unsure of himself as a man could be. Before she could say another word, he kissed her tenderly, and she responded in kind, until his tongue sought hers and he covered her with his body again."I'm jealous of any man who's kissed you, who's loved you. Who's made love to you." Doug bent over her, taking her breasts in his hands and pushing them together, kissing between them. His thumbs rubbed delicately over her nipples and she arched her back, making a soft, purring sound. Full of desire, she writhed underneath him, uttering his name.Feeling assertive, wanting to please him, she wriggled her way free and rolled him onto his back. Pressing her nose into his neck, she took a deep breath before nipping him softly. He growled and she kissed him until he pressed his erection against her. Her fingers skimmed his torso, feeling his ribs and stroking his stomach, arousing him."I missed all of this. All of you," she whispered. "I missed loving you like this."Carol moved until she was between his legs, and when her tongue traveled the length of him, he sighed with contentment. Taking her time, wanting to please him, she sucked him slowly, bringing him close to climaxing. Not wanting to come yet, he pulled away and guided her to him, nuzzling her neck and face. He held her above him, supporting her with his arms, and began the agonizingly slow task of kissing all the way down her body, down to where her legs were spread apart as she straddled him, waiting for him. He searched lovingly within and his tongue brushed lightly over her."Oh, please...." she whispered."Right here?" He softly licked the hard, sensitive nub of her clitoris. "This?""Umm...." she moaned as he sucked it smoothly into his mouth. Her hips sank into him as she helplessly succumbed to the wet, warm pressure of his mouth. She rocked her hips back and forth as he obeyed her every whim and desire, and then when she couldn't wait any longer, she pulled away and kissed him, finding her scent on his lips. Craving him, needing him, Carol eased herself down onto him and whimpered softly, feeling the flared head and thick shaft as it spread her apart."You okay?""Um hmm," she answered dreamily.He watched her through glazed eyes; as she had been in his dreams, so she was now: The woman he loved, making love to him, sitting astride him, her breasts exposed and beautiful, her hands stroking his chest. Her hair was thick and fell around her shoulders, her legs were slender and strong. Eyes closed, lips apart, she was his most precious lover, his fantasy come true."Carol, I love being inside of you.""Deeper. Go deeper," she insisted, and he held her and pushed himself into her, urging her on, feeling her stretch even more. Her body was his, her spirit submissive, and he was filled with a compelling need to overpower her with his love. Everything about her was warm and wet and wonderful around him.He placed one hand on her belly, steadying her, as his thrusting became stronger and more intense. Carol's hips swiveled down around him again and again, and she was unbearably close to coming."I can't," he gasped. "Carol, I can't...." She felt him swell within her and he gripped her hips tightly, forcing her body down upon his as he filled her, grinding into her, making her gasp as he exploded with passion and desire for her. He reached out blindly and caressed her, taking her with him into an abyss of pleasure, feeling her pulsate around him as she came, as she arched and tensed and cried out.Their movements slowed and his grasp relaxed as she collapsed onto him in a near daze, as soft and limp and helpless as a rag doll in his arms, feeling drugged from her climax. He gathered her hair in his hands, easing it away from her face."Hey," he whispered."Hey," she echoed softly. Doug lifted her chin up and Carol opened her eyes, meeting his. They stared wordlessly, awed by the intensity of the love that burned within them.*****Their afterplay had been subdued, their voices hushed, and they fell into slumber holding each other once again. The next morning, they awoke to the sound of two little girls playing in their cribs."Rise and shine," Doug groaned, stretching. "You want breakfast in bed?""No," she murmured, "but I'll guess Kate and Tess wouldn't mind it." Doug hauled himself out of bed and went upstairs to get them. Carol could tell the minute he appeared in their doorway by his cheerful greeting and the sound of his kiss smacking each of them on their cheeks. She smiled to herself and got up to use the bathroom before they came down demanding their morning nursing. They were in bed with Doug by the time she got back."Tess told me to tell you 'Happy Mother's Day.' Kate said she'd reserve her good wishes until she was sure she'd get enough milk this morning," Doug joked."I'm feeling more than ready for you," Carol assured her youngest. She took the girls to her and laughed as they lunged at her breasts, hungry and impatient. "They are total barracudas. Take after their father.""If I start gaining weight, then we can start worrying." Doug tried to look serious, but failed."Go make coffee and bring it in. It's my first Mother's Day.""Yes, ma'am."As he left for the kitchen, she looked after him. Carol was acutely aware of how much easier life was with Doug there to help, and was happy at how easily he adjusted to their routine. Most importantly, she could see how the girls were blossoming with him around, even for a few days. His energetic and animated behavior delighted them, and he talked to them constantly, even when he was working. His patience and his warmth were affecting them all in the most positive way.After they enjoyed their coffee, and when the babies were finished nursing, Carol brought them into the kitchen and set them in their high chairs for breakfast. "I wasn't even thinking about Mother's Day," she began. "Do you mind if I ask my mom over later? For dinner?""Would you rather take her out to eat?" Doug asked."Nah, she'd complain about the food and the service too much. I think she'd just enjoy spending time with the girls.""Sure, give her a call." Doug poured himself a bowl of cereal and began eating while Carol made plans with her mother."...nothing fancy, Ma, just some steak. Maybe about 4:30? That'd be great. The girls will love it. See you later."Carol hung up the phone and turned to them. "Grandma is coming today! You make sure you keep her busy so she doesn't ask me a million questions. I'll explain it to you when you get older.""If you don't get the straight story from your mother, come see me," Doug added wryly, then avoided Carol's fist nimbly."Don't you start in with them, Doug," she said, laughing."Who, me?" came his innocent rejoinder. He stood up and announced, "I'm going to tackle those weeds. Come on out when you're ready."Doug took another mug of coffee with him and within minutes was on his hands and knees, methodically picking weeds, pausing every now and then to look up at the house, hoping she would join him. She did, finally, carrying a blanket and some toys to occupy the twins, and they worked side-by-side.The girls got cranky after a while and Carol brought them up for her nap. They'd finished half the flower beds by then, making great progress. By the time she came downstairs, he was sitting in the kitchen, drinking a Pepsi. "It's getting hot out there," he observed."Yeah, it is. It's a good thing we started so early.He stood up and pushed the speaker phone and dialed his phone number."What are you doing?""Checking my voice mail," he answered. They listened together. The first message was from his mother thanking him for the flowers he sent. The second message made Carol sit up attentively. The voice was smooth and feminine: "Hey, stranger, just calling to see how everything is. I guess you're still in Chicago. At least I hope you are. Give me a call when you get back. Take care, talk to you soon!""Who was that?" Carol asked."Beth. Hang on," Doug quieted her as he listened to the last message, missing Carol's frown: "Hi. Um, I'm calling for my mother, Mary Kowlowski. I'm her son, Michael. She's...she asked me to try to call you. She's, uh, she's not doing too well, she's bedridden and wanted to talk to you. Um, it's pretty bad and she wanted to talk to you. So, if you could call her, that'd be great. Thanks."Doug pushed a few buttons to listen to it again and sat back down at the kitchen table, stunned. Carol sat across from him. "Mary?""She...I saw her back in March, I went over to talk to her and I found out she had a mastectomy and was being treated for breast cancer. It was the night of that bad storm.""I didn't know. I'm sorry.""She must want to talk to me. He was saying she was dying, wasn't he?" Doug asked numbly. "Carol, do you mind if I go see her this afternoon?""Of course not. Do you want me to go with you?""Let me call, see what's up," he hesitated. "If they don't mind, I think she'd love it. Assuming she's not too bad yet."He called and spoke to Michael, who conferred with Mary and reported back that she'd be happy to have visitors. So, Doug hung up and he and Carol showered and changed their clothes. As soon as Tess and Kate woke up and finished their lunch, they all piled into the car, heading south.They arrived at Mary's and Carol held his arm a moment before they took the girls out of the car. "If you'd rather, we can wait down here. If you want time alone.""No, I want you with me. I want you to meet her."She nodded and opened the car door, taking Kate out of her seat. Doug had Tess and they walked together into the building, to the elevator, where he pressed the button for the sixth floor."I hope she's well enough to see the girls," Carol said."Me, too. I promised to send her a picture of...she wanted a picture of my family, but I never sent one."Carol remained silent and when the elevator arrived at the sixth floor, he waited for her to exit, then guided her to Mary's door.At the first quiet knock, the door was answered by a trim, middle-aged man."Dr. Ross?" he asked, holding out his hand.Doug transferred Tess to his left side and grasped the man's strong hand in his own. "Doug Ross. And this is Carol Hathaway, and our daughters, Tess and Kate.""It's nice to meet you," he said, shaking Carol's hand as well. "I'm Brian Kolowski. My brother, Michael, is at the store. Come on in, I told her you were coming over."Doug and Carol walked into the apartment, following Brian."How's she doing? Is she in much pain?" Doug asked."She is, the morphine doesn't seem to be enough at this point.""Can I go in and see her?""Yeah, go on in, she heard the knock."Doug handed Tess to Carol and followed Brian's gesture until he found her bedroom. Even before he entered, he realized that the room smelled like a hospital room. And of death. Carol hovered in the doorway, waiting."Hey, Mary. You send your son out for ice cream?" Doug asked warmly, always teasing.Mary opened her eyes. "Doug," she said simply.He approached her bed and sat on the edge, smoothing her short hair away from her forehead. "Happy Mother's Day. Your hair grew back, that's somethin', hmm?" His eyes were warm and he struggled to hold back his emotion. For Mary was gray and her eyes were lifeless."Just enough to annoy me," she rasped. "There's something to be said for being bald. Less maintenance."He laughed and held her hand. "How are you? Your son said the pain is bad.""It's bad. Even if I move. I can't make it up even onto a bedpan, and the pseudo-nurse that was here tried putting the Foley in, but it hurt too much Poor thing, she was young and her hands were shaking so much by the end. I told her to forget it. So, at the end of my time, I'm laying on chucks peeing in my bed."Doug winced, understanding Mary's pride and her discomfort. "Mary, would you like me to do it? To put in the Foley?"The ailing woman shook her head. "I...as ridiculous as it is, I don't even want my boys to see me naked. No offense, but I'd rather pee my bed than have you poking round down there. Even I have my modesty," she smiled.Tess, having taken in her surroundings, felt brave enough to squawk, and Mary's face lit up."You brought your babies. Come in here, dear, you must be Carol!"Carol approached the bed, a baby on each hip, and Doug took Tess from her. "Hi, Mary," Carol said, "It's so nice to meet you. Doug's told me so many wonderful things about you.""Not as many as he'd told me about you," Mary said sincerely. Carol was humbled as she realized that this woman perhaps knew more about Doug than she did. "The babies are beautiful." She shifted in her bed, obviously uncomfortable."Mary, I know we don't know each other, but I'm a nurse. If you want, I'd be happy to put your Foley in. And I promise it won't hurt."Mary's eyes closed briefly. "Would you, Carol? I can't stand this.""Of course. Doug, take Kate, give us some time, okay?"Doug, grateful as ever, complied. "We'll be outside. C'mon, munchkin," he said lovingly and Kate leaned away from Carol, toward her father. Mary watched as Doug left, pulling the door closed with his foot."It makes me happy, seeing him with your girls," Mary said.Carol smiled. "Me, too." Carol searched amongst the messy medical supplies and found a pair of latex gloves. "I just left my job," she began as she set things up."Yes, an E.R. nurse. Doug spoke of your work.""He did?" Carol laughed, surprised."He did. Oh, in the very beginning. He'd talk about this nurse. How she was the best he'd ever worked with, how she ran a tight ship. Of course, he wouldn't use your name. Not for a long time."Looking down, Carol considered this. She could imagine Doug's shy manner, his struggle to trust in someone else. "He would be that way, yes." She searched for some surgical jelly, then looked at Mary. "I'm going to lift the sheet, Mary, and I want you to open your legs just a little, if you can." Mary nodded and did just that, and Carol, after lubricating the Foley, gently and deftly inserted it. "Done. You okay?""Oh, dear, thank you," Mary said gratefully."No problem." Carol took the soiled chucks from underneath Mary, then walked into the adjacent bathroom, where she disposed of it. Then she filled the basin with warm water, and submerged a washcloth into it. She wrung it out, and reentered the bedroom. "Let me clean you up, okay?""Oh, no, I can't ask you to do that," Mary protested."I don't mind," Carol insisted. She took a few trips into the bathroom to refresh her cloth, and gave Mary a sponge bath, fixed her covers, helped her brush her teeth, and combed her short hair. "Do you want me to call the doctor? We can ask him to increase the dosage of morphine," Carol offered."No. I might be tempted to increase it myself, though," Mary said under her breath.Carol, unwilling to acknowledge the meaning of her statement, stood up. "I'll bet that feels better, now, right?" Carol asked as she walked toward the bathroom.Mary nodded, exhausted. "Thank you. I can see why he loves you so much."Carol stopped dead in her tracks. "Hearing that, it makes me want to cry," she said, turning around."It shouldn't. You should love hearing it.""But I've hurt him so much," Carol whispered."Then love him with all your heart for as long as you live," Mary advised. "It's what he wants more than anything in the world," she added, sighing. "I'm so tired. Ask Doug if you can stay here a while. I want to see the babies again, but I'm tired." Carol nodded, then washed her hands and looked into the mirror, wondering how much Doug told Mary. Wondering what she ever did to merit the love of the one man she'd always desired.*****Carol left Mary and went out into the living room where the men and the babies sat. Kate and Tess were on the floor, playing with the assorted plastic kitchen implements that Doug had found to occupy them."She's sleeping now. I've inserted a Foley catheter, and wrote a note about it for the visiting nurse. She's not putting out much urine now, but at least she'll stay cleaner. I'll show you how to change the bag," she assured Brian. "I'll write down the directions, too. It's easy.""Thanks. We've been here, taking care of her and there's so much we can't do for her," Brian began, and then he let out a great sob, a cry of grief and anguish and exhaustion. Doug moved, but Carol got to him first and put an arm around him."I know it's been hard for you, but you've done a wonderful job with her. She's in her own home, with her sons. She's well loved and cared for. It won't be long, I don't think," Carol told him carefully.Brian nodded and turned to her, putting his head against her shoulder and weeping anew. Doug watched, pleased with Carol's compassion and abilities. The grieving man quickly composed himself, embarrassed at his display of weakness and vulnerability. "I'm sorry. I'll be okay. I'll be okay." He stood up and wiped his eyes, then walked quietly to the bedroom to sit by his mother.Carol sank back into the couch and sighed. "What a wonderful woman she is.""She is. I hate to see her like this. In so much pain," Doug said bitterly.They were interrupted by a man walking in with groceries. "Hello?" he said, taken aback by the sight of these strangers in his mother's living room."Hey, hi, I'm Doug Ross, this is Carol Hathaway," he said, getting up and lending a hand. "We got your message. You must be Michael."He grinned. "Michael the delivery boy right now.""It's nice to meet you," Doug said. "I'm a...I was a patient of your mother's."Nodding, Michael unpacked groceries. "She said. I'm sure it did her good to see a few new faces. She's kinda sick of Brian and me," he laughed.Brian emerged from the bedroom."Hey, Mike.""Bri.""Doug, Mom's asking for you. Better bring the babies."Doug nodded and he and Carol took the girls into the bedroom."Come here, let me see them properly," Mary said weakly. Doug sat on the edge of the bed, balancing Tess on his knee."This is Theresa...Tess. She's our oldest." Mary reached out and caressed the dark curls on the baby's head. Tess reached out to her and Mary took her hand smiling."Hello, Theresa. What a sweet girl you are."Carol placed Kate on Doug's other knee and stepped back, allowing him to continue. "This young lady," he said laughing as Kate squirmed and tried to grab her sister's hair, "is Katherine. Kate.""Ah, and Kate takes after her father, I gather?" Mary postulated."I think they both do," Carol said."Thank you for bringing them," Mary said, and she fought exhaustion to keep her eyes open. "I need to rest, I think," she said wearily."We're gonna go, let you rest" Doug interjected. Mary was already asleep, and he and Carol stole quietly out of the room. "Thanks for letting us see her, I know this is your time with your mother," he said sincerely to Brian and Michael."No, thanks for coming. Thank you, Carol, for helping her.""If you need anything, anything from us...." Doug began."I wish one of you would stay," Brian blurted out. "The visiting nurse doesn't come enough, and I don't know what to do if....""Oh, the Foley," Carol remembered.Doug looked over to Carol for permission before he spoke and she nodded discretely. "I'll stay," he said. "I got it. Don't worry about it. I'll stay.""Thank you," Brian said."Let me help Carol out to the car, I'll be right back."Carol said goodbye to the brothers and walked out of apartment and into the elevator with Doug."You don't mind?" he asked."No. You need to be here, to help her. We'll be fine. I don't think it'll be long. I heard rales....""Yeah," he agreed. They buckled the girls and he kissed each one, before pulling Carol to him. "Thanks, Carol," he whispered, and he kissed her softly as well. "Tell your mother....""She'll understand. I'll wait up," she offered."Don't. And if I don't get back in time, tell Tess I'm sorry I couldn't rock her tonight," he said regretfully. "And Carol -- we never did finish the backyard.""Don't worry. We have time." She kissed his cheek. "I love you.""Me, too," he said, smiling. He watched as Carol pulled away, then looked out at the lake briefly before making his way back upstairs.*****By the time Carol got home, her mother was already at the house."Where were you?" asked Helen. "I was waiting here almost twenty minutes."Carol put Tess down into the playpen. "Ma, I'm sorry. A friend of Doug's is sick; she's dying and he needed to go see her. I didn't expect to be this late. Happy Mother's Day.""To you, too. The flowers are pretty," she noted, nodding in their direction."From Tess and Kate, via Doug," Carol said pleasantly."Where is he?""He stayed there. Her sons are exhausted and scared, and they asked him to stay. I think they're afraid of her dying at home."Helen took Kate from Carol and kissed the baby sweetly. "Then he needs to be there," she agreed."I haven't made any dinner yet," Carol apologized. "But I have steaks out and I can barbecue them."Helen kissed Kate again and put her in the playpen with her sister. "Just put them in the broiler, you don't have to make a fuss."As Carol hastily prepared the steak, some potatoes and a salad, Helen stayed in the living room with her granddaughters. "Can we go for a walk with them after dinner?" she called out to Carol."Sure. I don't know when Doug's gonna get home. Can you bring them in here? We can feed them first."Helen brought the girls in, one at a time, and got them settled into their high chairs. She insisted on feeding them both, and laughed at how busy they kept her. "They were hungry, I think. Maybe you should give them a bottle too, hm?"Carol let her breath out slowly, not really wanting to venture into this territory again with her mother. "I'm still nursing them.""What do you mean, 'still'? I thought you weaned them.""Tess woke up yesterday and wanted to nurse. Doug agreed that I should."Helen made a sour face. "Hmm. They won't get enough milk, then, since you weaned them."Resisting the temptation to roll her eyes, Carol countered, "No, Ma, that's not true. They'll get plenty. You know, it's supply and demand. The more demand, the more my breasts will produce."With an impatient gesture, Helen came back with, "Well, I thought you were done with it.""I'm not. Our dinner's ready." Happy for an excuse to change the subject, Carol served their dinner after giving each of the girls some hard bagels to chew on. Helen ate quickly, obviously hungry, and they conversed randomly about Carol's plans, which realtor she should use, and when she anticipated moving.They cleaned up quickly after eating and Helen got the girls ready in the stroller. She pushed while Carol walked by her side. It was a warm, beautiful evening, and Carol couldn't help but wonder how Doug was doing, just miles away in Mary's apartment."How is he?" her mother asked, reading her thoughts."He's good. He's so happy, being with us. I think he's relieved to be here. I can barely do anything for them, he's always jumping in to do it first.""He missed them.""Yeah, he did. Ma, I want you to know that this was my fault. I mean he wanted to be with them from the beginning. This was my fault."Helen pursed her lips and shook her head. "It's past the time for fault. If you're happy, then that is what is important."Carol waved at a neighbor in passing and remarked, "I am. I've never been happier. I just feel like I want to get on with it, you know? I want to be there, with him, right now. He has to leave tomorrow night and I don't want to let him go.""He has to go to work," Helen reasoned."I know. I just wish we could go with him. But there's too much to do, I can't put my house on the market without being here."Helen understood, but was pragmatic. "The time will pass."Carol sighed. "Too much time has already gone by, you know?"*****Helen left before it got dark out and, after some fuss and ruckus, the girls went to bed. Carol, unable to sleep, worked in the kitchen late into the night, cleaning out drawers and cabinets, throwing out old spices and half-empty boxes of crackers and pasta. She heard Kate's cry a little after midnight, but resisted the urge to go up too soon. Kate fell back to sleep after only a few minutes. By then, Carol was tired of working and curled up on the couch, pulling the afghan over herself, deciding to doze there until Doug arrived home.She opened her eyes at the sound of the door opening. The sun was just rising, filling the room with soft light. Pulling the afghan up, she rubbed her eyes and peered at the clock. It was just past 5:30."Hey," she welcomed him warmly, reaching up to him with a kiss and a strong hug. "You must be exhausted.""I'm fine. Did the girls go down to sleep okay?""Yes, but Tess kept calling for Daddy," Carol joked. "And...Mary?""She died a few hours ago," he answered hoarsely. "Brian and Michael were with her."Carol took a deep breath. "Was she in a lot of pain?""Yeah, she was. She kept asking me for more morphine. She was just....she was begging me,Carol," Doug said, sitting down and briefly rubbing his face with his hands.Carol sat next to him, taking him into her chest as her hands stroked his hair. "She said something to me when we were alone. About wanting to increase the morphine until it...I think she was hoping to end her own life."Doug shook his head, disagreeing. "Mary was Catholic. That would be a mortal sin, for her. It's a sin to commit suicide. Brian, Michael, they knew it, too. They all looked to me. I'm the doctor, you know? They looked to me."Feeling as though they'd been this route before, Carol hesitated, then said, "Doug, you don't need to tell me anymore.""There's no more to tell. We took off the nasal cannula, and we just...we just waited, we just stroked her hair and held her hand and she cried and moaned and we waited until she struggled with her breathing. It didn't take long, she was unconscious at the end.""Oh, God," Carol whispered. "I'm sorry you had to see her like that.""I'm not. It's okay. It's...there's something, you know, something maybe...it's a privilege to usher someone into death like that. With dignity, with her family there. She gave so much to me.""Do you want me to make you some coffee?""No, thanks. I'm gonna try to sleep a few hours." He kissed her and walked stiffly into the bedroom. Carol, wanting to give him some space, retreated to the couch and slept for another two hours until Kate's cry woke her up. She stretched and was about to get up when Doug walked past her."Go back to sleep, I got it," she insisted."I'll get her," Doug replied and he was up the steps before she could intervene. A few minutes later, he came down with both girls in his arms. "Clean diapers and hungry bellies," he said, laughing."Did Kate wake up Tess?""I dunno, Tess was sitting up, playing with her bear, all quiet and happy." The girls squealed when they saw Carol and Doug placed one baby on each side of her so she could nurse them. In no time, the girls were happy and content, alternately patting Carol's face and her breasts."I'm going to put a load of laundry in, Carol. I'll be right back." Doug began walking out, but her voice made him stop at the door."So, you have to go today, right?" she asked, already beginning to brood.Doug turned around and nodded regretfully. "I do. I'm due in Oakland tomorrow."She hugged the babies to her, dreading his departure."Carol, I wish there was something else we could do.""I know. Hey, it's only for a few days, right?" she added, trying to sound upbeat."Yeah. Just a few days," he sighed as he walked toward the basement.*****They didn't do any work, but played with the girls and took a long, leisurely walk around the block. The morning turned quickly into the afternoon and as evening approached, Carol began watching the clock with a heavy heart; she wasn't ready to let him leave. Doug delayed packing until the last minute, wishing that he could stay in Chicago longer. He saw the strain slowly appearing on Carol's face and knew that his leaving put a great burden on her once again. He went down into the basement to get the rest of his clean clothes from the dryer, and at last he was ready to go.Carol was sitting on the porch, watching the girls play in their playpen when she heard his approaching footsteps. "You all ready?" she asked, looking straight ahead."Yeah, all packed." He sat next to her and their shoulders barely brushed.She nodded and swallowed hard. "When are you coming back?""I'm not sure. This weekend, if everything goes okay. I'll call you; let you know where I'll be. Oakland tomorrow, then back to Seattle. I'll get some work done, take care of the house. I can fly in Friday, unless....""Unless what?" Carol was holding back tears."Well, unless there's a...if there's a problem in Oakland, I might have to go back, work over the weekend. I'll try to be here. I'll do everything I can to be here on Friday. Okay?""Okay."Doug nodded and got up to take his bags to the car. He passed the playpen and cleared his throat, feeling a lump forming already. After putting his things into the trunk, he came back and reached in, picking Tess up. "You be a good girl for your mother, okay? No fussing at bedtime." He closed his eyes and kissed her affectionately. "I love you, sweetheart." Bending down, he carefully placed Tess into the playpen, and then took Kate into his arms. "Katie, I love you, too. You be good and I'll be back as fast as I can." A kiss for Kate and she, too, was returned to her play.Doug stood up and approached the porch steps, reaching his hands out to Carol. She looked up at him, finally, and allowed him to pull her to her feet. "I don't want you to leave," she choked."I know. I don't want to leave. It'll just be a few days," he said, trying to convince her that it didn't matter."Don't go," she implored. "Please stay. God, don't go." She buried her face into his shoulder and cried, and he rocked her slowly and stroked her back."Hey, Carol, don't do this. I promise I'll be back. I'll be back as soon as I can.""I know you'll be back. I just can't stand letting you go.""I know. This is...it's harder than before."Carol nodded and allowed him to hold her and kiss her and hug her tightly."I'll call you tomorrow. First thing.""Okay," she whispered."Take care of my girls," he whispered in reply and then pulled himself away. He went down the walk and his hand brushed the top of the playpen as he went past it to the car. When he got in and started up the engine, he ducked his head to see her through the passenger window. He opened it and smiled. "I'll be back as soon as I can," he repeated."Have a safe trip. I love you," she called out to him."I love you, too." Doug pulled away and Carol watched him leave.An empty feeling came over her as she hastily wiped away her tears and tried to compose herself. It had been so wonderful to be with him that she didn't know how she could possibly be without him. She sat on the steps for almost fifteen minutes in a daze as the girls played happily. As it approached dusk, Tess, who was generally a pro at sitting steadily, toppled over and hit her cheek on a toy. She started crying and Carol went to comfort her. "Aw, Tess, did you hurt yourself?" Trying her best to soothe her, Carol didn't notice Luka until he was standing in front of the house on the sidewalk."Is she all right, did she get hurt?"Startled, Carol looked up. "No. I mean, yeah, but not badly."He walked up the short path and nodded. "Is it okay that I came here? I don't want to make him mad...." Luka gestured with his eyes toward the front door, adding a playful smirk."It's fine," she assured him, grinning in return. "He's gone."Luka looked surprised. "Gone so soon?""He's not deserting us, he had to go to work," she answered defensively. "He has a job in Seattle and he had to get back."He looked down, realizing that she felt he was attacking Doug. "Yes, of course."Carol shook her head. "I'm sorry. I...I'm sorry, I didn't meant to snap at you."Luka smiled. "That's okay, I snapped at you this morning, too. Mark and Kerry said you're leaving work for good. What are you going to do?"She put Tess into the playpen with Kate and stood by them, looking out over the neighborhood. "I'm moving. I'll put my house up for sale and we're moving as soon as we can. Doug bought a house out there and we're going with him.""A house, that's good." Luka gazed at the girls. "I'm sorry I was rude today," he apologized again.Carol crossed her arms over her chest and sighed. "That's okay. I know this was...I know it's been hard for you and I know I wasn't clear about Doug, about our past.""Why didn't you tell me about him? That you still loved him, how you felt?" he asked faintly."Because I didn't want to admit it to myself, let alone to someone else. I didn't mean to hurt you, Luka. I didn't. I'm sorry if I did. It's been such a hard year for me, being without him, and I was trying so hard to move on. With Doug, it's always been...Luka, I don't know how to say it without hurting you more. His love for me is...it's fierce. That's the only way I can describe it. Fierce. It's powerful and strong." Carol looked at him and shrugged her shoulders helplessly. "It always frightened me, in a way. I was afraid to let him love me the way he wanted to. I never let him love me fully. I always held something back. I...I always held myself back so he wouldn't swallow me up, so I'd be in control. And when he left, I played this power game. I wanted him to beg me, to plead, to do whatever I wanted him to do. I wanted him to tell me he'd stay. What I didn't do...where I made my mistake is that I never thought about how much I hurt him. He needed me to go with him, and I wouldn't do what he needed me to do.""But you knew that you loved him?""I always knew. But I never wanted to say it out loud because then it would be real.""So, I guess you found out he's still in love with you. Then it is real," he conceded quietly. He closed his eyes and rubbed them with his hand. "I came here because I wanted to say goodbye and thank you. You were a good friend to me. I have been lonely for a long time and you, and the girls...it always made me happy to be with you." Luka grinned shyly.Carol smiled as well. "Thank you, too. For helping me and for being my friend. For understanding why I had to leave."Luka bent toward her and kissed her cheek. "Bye, Carol. I'll miss you.""Bye, Luka.""Goodbye, girls. Be good for your mom and dad." He walked away as quickly as he'd appeared. Carol watched him go, sad not because she didn't love him, but because he so deserved to find someone who did."Time to go in, it's dark already," Carol said to the girls. She picked them up and brought them inside. Once again, it was just the three of them in the house. She dressed them for bed as she always did, then nursed them and went up to their room. Kate half-heartedly attempted to play in her crib for a while, but must have been tired because in no time she went to sleep and Tess did as well, after her customary rocking session.Carol left their door open slightly and went downstairs. The clock ticked on, the El sped past, and the house was empty. She felt so very alone. It had been a wonderful few days with Doug, she realized. Even more so, an amazing couple of weeks. Not too long ago, she was kissing Luka on the hood of a car, lying to herself that she was ready to keep Doug out of her life forever. Now she'd flown out to Seattle, quit her job and was putting her house up for sale. She should be harried, frazzled and nervous about such life changes, but she wasn't. For the first time in her life, she was willing to embrace the changes that had occurred, changes that would bring her happiness and contentment.Just as she dozing off on the couch, she was startled by the sound of a key in the lock and watched with astonishment as the door opened."You left the playpen outside," Doug said, grinning as he brought it in with him. "I thought maybe Tess and Kate took up camping."She leapt from the couch into his arms and hugged him tightly, accepting his kiss as she laughed. "What are you doing here?""Sleeping with you tonight, I hope," he murmured into her neck."What about your flight?"He looked down at the floor and then smiled up at her. "There are flights tomorrow. You asked me to stay and I...the last time you asked me, I didn't. I figured this time I should.""You're gonna be awfully tired tomorrow," she warned him, her arms urging him closer as she began kissing his neck.Chuckling warmly, Doug felt the soft curves of her body against his own and bartered, "Then you'll have to make it worth my while tonight.""It's a deal." She nestled into him, feeling warm and safe and secure. And then, at that very moment, the things Mary said to her and her implied intent became clear, and Carol knew that she needed to commit herself completely; she was ready to move forward, to love him for the rest of her life. "Hey, Doug? I was thinking...I still have your ring, you know."Backing away to look at her, he pushed a curl away from her face and played with it. "You do, huh?""I do. It's in my dresser drawer, in the box. I want to wear it again and -- would it be okay if I wore it again? Would it mean the same thing to you...to us...if I did?"Doug's eyes were warm and his voice was hushed. "What does it mean to you, Carol?""That we'd get married. That we're engaged to be married.""Then I want you to wear it," he replied sincerely."I guess what I'm asking you is...I want to move with you to Seattle and I want to live with you, but I want to marry you. I want us to be a family and I want to be your wife. Before we move from here, before I go to Seattle, can we get married?"His face lit up and his voice was playful. "Are you asking me to marry you?"Carol giggled quietly, looking down momentarily before answering. "Yes, I'm asking you to marry me."He raised his eyebrows. "Don't you need to get down on one knee?""You didn't get down on one knee when you asked me!" she protested. "In fact, you never did ask me. You just announced it in the E.R.""Well," he drawled, "that's 'cause I was scared to ask."Carol regarded him seriously. "Are you scared now?"He kissed her gently. "No. I'm not scared at all. Are you?""No. Not scared. Just happy.""Me, too. Now, get down on one knee and ask me properly," he insisted.As she did, the house was filled with the warmth of their laughter, which in turn gave way to the softer sounds of their love for each other.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share
Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there
To be there and everywhere
Here, there and everywhere~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The end