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“You look like shit,” Chuuya says as Kyouka drops her bag onto the floor and slides down the wall to sit besides him. Kyouka stays silent besides him. “Who’s the bully,” Chuuya asks. “C’mon, spill.”Kyouka doesn’t say anything instead she rummages through her backpack and pulls out a lunchbox. She hands it over to Chuuya. “Kyouka,” he says as he places the box on to the ground. “Spill.”“There’s no bully,” she answers. “Then why do you look like shit.”“I haven’t been sleeping well,” Kyouka looks to the grown and hugs her knees. Chuuya sees it. Sees that she’s lying. It’s in the way that she refuses to look at him and in the way that she’s more isolated and in the way that she’s missing at least five hundred yen from the wallet he had pickpocket from her. “Bullshit,” he spats. “Then What happened to your money.” He gives Kyouka her wallet back. “It’s not bullshit,” she quietly says, “there are no bullies and I just spent that money for food.”Chuuya looks at Kyouka. Alright, so he could sort of believe that, but Kyouka’s stingy about money and rarely ever spends. But when she does it’s most likely on food. She brings lunch to school and eats even more when something’s bothering her. He knows this he seen this. “What’s bothering you?” He asks. “And don’t give me some half-assed explanation.”“Where’s your friend?”“Dazai’s not here. Spill.”Kyouka leans against the wall and for a moment Chuuya’s stunned by how much Kyouka contrasts with the place she’s in. The walls of the alley are grimy and the place smells and looks like shit. Chuuya smells and looks like shit. He knows that his hair looks nothing like how it’s supposed to and that dirt is basically his second skin. And then there’s Kyouka. Kyouka with her clean hair and uniform. Hair always ties into low pigtails and school bag always next to her because as it turns out Kyouka always comes to see him on her way home from school. Why does she still come here? It’s been almost three years since they’ve met. Is he just a charity case for her?Or a real friend?Kyouka takes a deep breath and leans her head against the wall as if she’s steadying herself. “A couple of days ago at school,” she begins, “I was sitting by the front entrance waiting for school to end. I have gym at the end of the day and they usually let us out a little bit early so we could change and stuff. A few girls were sitting in front and next to me and they just starting making fun of someone. It was someone I only knew a little bit about and they were just talking shit about her and how proud of the shit that they do to her they are. And I just couldn’t.”“Couldn’t what?” Chuuya softly asks. “I couldn’t say anything,” Chuuya can tell that Kyouka is on the verge of yelling. Her hands are curled into tight fists and her eyes are wide. “I couldn’t stop them from saying all this shit about the girl that’s been so nice to me the few times that we’ve spoken. She’s the nicest and prettiest girl I’ve ever met, Chuuya, and they were talking about her as if she was a terrorist. And I couldn’t do anything about it.”Chuuya doesn’t say anything. He just looks at her and understands that Kyouka’s been beating herself up over this. Hasn’t been sleeping well because she saw and heard things that she wants to stops so badly but couldn’t. He holds up one arm and is surprised when Kyouka accepts it. She’s leaning into him and he could see the tears forming in her eyes, can see the guilt in her face. “It’s alright,” he says. “Sometimes you can’t find the right words.”He curls his arm around her more and gives a little squeeze. He’s seen others do this to soothe people and it seems to work ‘cause he feels Kyouka relaxing and her anger fading always as she picks at one of the many holes in his jeans. To Chuuya, Kyouka’s heart is in the right place, even if she didn’t do anything to stop the bullies He opens the lunch box in front of him and splits it in thirds. He hands Kyouka the chopsticks and nudges her to eat. She doesn’t. He closes the lunchbox and decides that he’ll eat it later with Dazai. They sit in silence until Kyouka says it’s too late and she has to go home. Dazai comes into the alleyway not even two seconds after Kyouka leaves. Chuuya doesn’t know how, but Dazai always manages to come back right after Kyouka leaves. He opens the lunchbox that Kyouka had given to him and eats it with Dazai. The silence warm and welcoming. They end up falling asleep in the alley. Chuuya’s head in the crook of Dazai’s neck and Dazai’s head rests against his own. They’re bodies are huddled together. When Chuuya wakes up, Dazai is no longer besides him. It doesn’t surprise him. Dazai has never been able to stay asleep for too long. He gets up and stretches his muscles as he walks out of the alley. He knows how he looks like to others. He’s just another street rat. Dirty clothes that are barely clothes. He’s filthy and a lot skinnier than someone his age should be. The fancy hat on top of his head is a complete contrast to his clothes. And because of these simple facts he steals a small coat from one of the outdoor shops he passes by. The owner never notices and Chuuya doesn’t put the coat on until he turns the corner. The coat is a little too large for him and that’s okay, because Dazai’s coat needs to be replaced. They’ll just share for now. It doesn’t take long for Chuuya to reach his destination. He’s in a field and there’s no one around him. It’s just him and the grass and the graves he had dug a couple of years ago.
Aya and Rimbaud.
There are two large rocks in front of him. One with the name Aya and the other has the name Rimbaud scratched into it. Chuuya takes off his hat begins to dig a hole in the middle of the two rocks. He talks to the dead as he digs with his hands. He talks about nothing and everything to the two of them and when he finishes digging the hole, he places the hat on his head into the small hole. The hat doesn’t sink all the way into the ground, only a little bit of the chain that dangles on the hat touches the ground. He continues to talk to them as he fills the hat up with dirt and plants a seed into it. Chuuya smiles. Rimbaud’s hat. Aya’s flower. Two special people in his life, now have a something that will last forever. Rimbaud loved his hat and Aya loved plants. Now there a souvenir for the whole world. Chuuya meets up with Kyouka later on in the day. She doesn’t look like shit the same way she did yesterday. And she doesn’t ask about how Chuuya had gotten the coat. “Would you want kids one day?” She asks. “I can’t.”It’s a simple answer that has Kyouka tilting her head sideways and asking why. Chuuya tells her he’s gay. “Oh,” Kyouka says, “what if when everything is better I could be a surrogate for you. I mean since it’ll probably be hard to adopt and . . . stuff.”“Kyouka,” Chuuya says, “are pregnant?”“No,” she almost yells at the accusation. “I’m just asking. Don’t you want a family one day.”“Good ‘cause I’ll kick his ass,” Chuuya threatens. “And I already have a family, I have you and Dazai and Aya and Rimbaud.”“Aya and Rimbaud?”“My sort of little sister and Rimbaud is like a father to me,” Chuuya explains. “Can I meet them?”“I can take you to their graves if you want.”Their conversation ends like that. And they stay in silence for the remaining time that spend together. Dazai still isn’t back yet. When Kyouka gets up to leave she turns to Chuuya, “Y’know, my parents died a few months ago and this nice lady named Kouyou adopted me, she could take you and Dazai in too if you want.”“It doesn’t work that way.”Kyouka leaves. Dazai comes back. They eat the food that Kyouka always brings for them. They lean against each other as they eat the food. “Hey Chuuya,” Dazai says. He hums in response. “I found someone we can scam. It’ll make us a lot of money,” Dazai says as he takes a bite of the food. “Okay.”“His name is Mori Ougai, he’s a big shot doctor or something and rich as hell.”“When are we going to do it?”“We’ll start tomorrow night and work from there.”“Alright,” Chuuya says, “Lets do this.”Dazai leans his forehead against Chuuya’s. “One day, we’ll be rich. You and I, we’ll have everything. And then we’ll get married and not have to worry about anything or anyone. We’ll scam the fuck out of Ougai and then we’ll be home free.”Chuuya grins and leans into Dazai’s touch. To him this is like one of those dates that people go on that Kyouka describes to him from time to time. “Yes,” he says, “yes, we will.”They don’t speak for the rest of the night. Instead they hold onto each other. They don’t need words to speak to each other. In the silence they speak a thousand words. And in their silence they come up with fantasies of the future. Three of the words spoken on the silence is an “I love you.”