Work Text
Until I Die
They say you have flashbacks of your past life, when you are about to die, but did you ever wondered what you see when your most loved human dies? It is a matter of seconds and I haven't really seen him there, but I knew the explosion would come and blast me away. It didn't. Before I realized it, I was falling into darkness hearing the threatening blast, that blew away his life. The longer I fall and the further away the round bright light goes, the more I remember my time with him. ***I have been with the survey corps and with Erwin for a while already, before I started my researching, but with that I lost all track of time. I didn't wanted an assistance, but as Erwin was named commander, I became squad leader and with that of course comes a squad. If I am brutally honest I can't remember them at all. I think most of them died a while ago, but Moblit. He was always with me. He was such a shy boy in the beginning, but he wasn't assigned to me by Erwin, I have chosen him. I have seen him outside, while I was taking a rest. Totally not slacking or so. There was a little water well in the court and he was just sitting there, observing the birds. He didn't made any sound nor movement. I was fascinated by watching him how he watches the birds, obviously studying them. By chance we started talking, first about the birds and in no time about the titans and what I try to find out. I have never seen someone being so fascinated by it like myself, but he was. Bit by bit we got closer not only when it came to work. He was there to bring me something to eat, to remind me to take a bath or he brought a blanket to throw over me when I have fallen asleep while working. He was one, that appreciated my work from the start and he always defended me infront of others or would get angry, when they denied to fund us. As calm as he always was, he could get so heated and angry, that it was almost funny. In battle he wasn't the best, but that wasn't needed in my squad anyway. He helped me with sonny and bean. Oh God sonny and bean, when they died my world shattered into tiny pieces. I was able to get so many information with them and was about to find the last missing piece, or at least I toguht that back then, but then they got killed. Murdered! I was not only sad, but also furious, but Moblit was with me to calm me down with his gentle voice and his kind words. I can't imagine anyone else to be able to calm me like that. I never needed a man or a relationship like others need it. I needed someone to understand me. He did. From the very beginning, he understood where I am coming from. I know he feared for my life and I was reckless at times, but I needed to test things, I might still do, but he didn't just worried because I was needed as researcher, but also because he loved me. I know he did and I have let him love me. I didn't needed it and I didn't wanted to let anyone this close, especially not after Mike and Nanaba died and Erwin almost died. He was there to hold me. Besides his own grief over them, he supported me all the way and he gave me all of his love. Tears form in my eyes as I fall further into the darkness, but subconsciously I knew, I had to survive and my hands triggered the anchors to launch themselves into the well walls. There I am, a being between life and death, but death was out there in the light and not down here in the darkness. It slowly fades from the blinding white and leaves me looking at the bright blue sky. The battle is still going. I need to get out there and help my fellow comrades. I can't move a finger. I am fairly fearless, but right now I have a deadly fear of what I might see out there on the other side of the well, in the light, that can't reach me. Drop by drop my tears fall down my face as I am still hanging there motionless. ***Before we started this mission we had just a little bit of time alone together, just like Erwin and Levi. I was so glad, that Erwin gave us the chance to be alone for some hours. So many things had happened, that I still haven't proceeded, but what I knew is that this might be our last try to get to this basement. I have my doubts, but I trust Erwin. However Moblit and I made sure to ensure one another that this world is real and that there is more than death, threats and despair in it. Yes we united our bodies in many heated moments, but right now it hurts to remember them. My heart feels heavy and my whole body is shaking. I remember our last time with one another as if I am there again. His hot breath whispering my name, his sweaty body against mine, his hand exploring all of me as if it was his first time with me, which it wasn't. I can still feel this feeling inside of me, the happiness afterwards and the hope, that has risen in me. It is all gone. The hope I had and the light I have seen remains as a deadly glare in he night that got me wrapped up. As if I am not the owner of my body I move myself up. My face is a mask, not showing anything as I crawl out of the well. I can't feel my body at all, not the wind that is grazing it, not even the pain in my eye. Nothing. Even nothing as I stare at the messed up body, that must belong to Moblit. I can't make out much, but the closer I get the clearer the rest of his features get. My knees give way once I am close enough to him and the tears roll down quicker, but I don't even notice it. A cream, that seems to come from far away erupts my lungs, but it doesn't feel as if it is mine. This feels like a dream, a bad one and I pray to wake up, but once I touch his chest, I can feel my heart braking into tiny little pieces."You stupid ass!... I told you to not be reckless!"I scream at him as if he can hear me and I hit his chest to get some reaction out of him, but there is none. I don't know how long it takes, before the battle cries get to my ear again, but they do and with that my resolve comes back. His death won't be in vain. I need to life and end this, then I can go. I didn't thought to face more of these horrible moments, but there was another one. Once I reached the roof, where Levi was he was there as well. I don't love erwin as much as I loved Moblit, but he was family to me and my whole family was almost taken away completely again. Just Levi remains. My heart is already gone with Moblit, so Erwins death doesn't affect me that much, however I know it won't let me go and I don't have my most beloved human in the world anymore. ***With Moblit gone I changed. I try to be cheerful for the young ones, but I know now why Erwin was always so serious, but I will try for Moblit, for Levi, for Erwin, Mike and Nanaba. I will go on and end this, so no one has to face the pain I did on this day.