Work Text
Montague created the group chatMontague named the group chat The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1) Flint: wtfWarrington: why do you always name things after those stupid comics you like readingWarrington: no one thinks they’re coolWarrington: you’re lowering our street credBletchley: neither of you have any street cred to start withFlint: smhMontague: look this is IMPORTANTMontague:
we are here to discuss the plague that has befallen our team, the distraction keeping us from glorious victoryHiggs: oh my god someone stop himBletchley: please tell me ‘glorious victory’ is like - quidditch relatedMontague:
of COURSE it is you idiot, what else would it be?Warrington: idk those roleplayer games you like seem to use a lot of ~befallen~ and ~plagues~ and ~glorious victories~Montague: shut your mouth CassieMontague: anywaysMontague: i’m talking about the crushes, famMontague: all your crushesMontague: every single teeny one of themFlint has left The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1) Montague: fuck he’s the worst one. @Higgs, add him back, would you?Higgs: I mean, if you want a black eye that badly, sureHiggs added Flint
to The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1) Flint: im putting itching powder in all your pants. All of them. Every single fucking one.Bletchley: oooooh punctuationBletchley: anyways, idk why i’m hereWarrington: does your drunken rambling about Alicia Spinnet’s smile bring to mind anything??Higgs: yeah if we had to sit through that, you deserve to be in this hell chatFlint: yeetHiggs: that’s not how you use yeetFlint: fuck uFlint: wait i thought Spinnet’s a lesbianMontague: she isMontague: wait how did you know thatFlint: ….Flint: how did you know that?Montague: she’s my potions partner for the year, duhWarrington: @Flint …… hmmm …...interestingBletchley: THATS NOT A CRUSH FUCK UBletchley: and if she’s a lesbian I mean whateverrrrrrBletchley: got a lot of other ladies lined up, yknow what i mean ;) ;)Higgs: can i puke on your shoes, yknow what i mean ;) ;)Montague: ANYWAYSMontague: I think we should tackle this from bottom up, yknow, like easiest case to worstMontague: wouldn’t you agree, Warrington?Warrington: why do we only ever call each other by our last names in this goddamn houseBletchley: I thought that was your ruleFlint: CassieWarrington: im proud of my goddamn name meet me in the wal-mart parking lotHiggs: you don’t even know what a wal-mart is, stop ripping off muggle memesHiggs: this goes for you too @FlintWarrington: wait but sidenote, idk why i’m hereMontague: oh yea, you’re only here bc i need backup :)Flint: lmao sureee
Montague started a private chatMontague: DONT U DAREFlint: hey if ur calling me out on crushes, i dont see why i cant do it to uMontague: ill tell him when im readyFlint: uh-huh
Montague entered The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1) Montague: anyways, FELLASMontague: we’re getting off track - MILES, since Spinnet’s definitely not interested, u should go chase skirt elsewhere but preferably NOT a gryffindor so that we don’t lose any of our game tactics out of your blabbermouth, i’ve already had to do a lot of damage control on some of Marcus’ latest plays (top notch ones may i add!! That new chaser formation is going to knock our competition down hell yeah) but yeah, Bletchley, you’re jeopardizing our whole team hereHiggs: oh god, stop kissing ass MontagueFlint: no, please continueBletchley: @Warrington thats a lot of words, gimme a tl;drWarrington: you can be a manwhore, just not with the gryffsBletchley: suddenly I can’t readMontague: moving onMontague: Higgs - this isn’t you per se, butHiggs: Sigh it’s about Pucey, isn’t itMontague: poor kid keeps mooning over you and won’t focus during practiceMontague: we miss you on the team fam, but you’re a distractionHiggs: its not my fault my ass won’t quitFlint: ohhhh mmyyyyy goooooddddWarrington: ohhhh myyyyyyyy gooooooooddddBletchley: ohhhh myyyy goooooodHiggs: y’all know its the truthHiggs: im still coming to practice fuck uHiggs: especially u MarcusFlint: lol srry ://Montague: ok but you gotta handle things with Pucey man, every time you say hi he turns into mushHiggs: fine fineHiggs: if he gets all puppy-dog-eyes tomorrow, this is on all of you
Higgs started a private chatHiggs: hey AdePucey: hi!!Pucey: hey thanks for the potions help yesterday, i think i’m starting to understand itHiggs: yeah? That’s good that’s good!Higgs: er alright, im going to have to clear the airHiggs: i know you have a crush on mePucey: oh..Pucey: um im sorry ..?Higgs: nah its chill, ik i’m prettyHiggs: but you’re a little too young for me, u feel - like there’s four years between us and that’s not okayPucey:...yeah, i knowHiggs: i’m cool with being bros bc you’re a sweet kid, but you gotta focus during practice ok?Higgs: the teams counting on youPucey: they are?Higgs: yea ur a good chaserHiggs: Flint has a soft spot for u, yknowPucey: oh sickHiggs: really sorry to do this but it’ll probably be better in the long run if you get over this crushPucey: yea you’re right...i guess i can start working on that. thanks for talking to mePucey: and thanks for being chill and cool about thisHiggs: obviously, i’m super chill all the timePucey: LMAO sureee
Higgs entered The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1) Higgs: it’s handled @MontagueFlint: everyone better fucking go easy on him tomorrow, u hear meFlint: no jokes, no comments, no teasingBletchley: ok MomMontague: fine MomWarrington: sure MomFlint: Salazar fucking Slytherin I hate all of youMontague: well now its your turn :D the grand finale :D the worst of the worst :D of FUCKING PINING ASS CRUSHESFlint: what about meWarrington: ahemHiggs : ahem Bletchley: yeah if you all were riding my ass about spilling game secrets, isn’t Flint worse??Flint: excuse me? My lips are fucking sealedFlint: quidditch is not a fucking jokeFlint: do i have to give the lecture again????Higgs: sure, i could use a napMontague: look, Flint, good ol captain, we respect you loadsBletchley: ha, speak for yourselfMontague: but you’re not fooling anyone when you talk about the gryffs, like - we all know why you’re obsessed with beating them and it’s not pretty. Let’s take a moment to admit it, shall we?Flint: admit whatMontague: you’re fully aware of what we’re talking aboutWarrington : oh my god, your giant ass crush on Oliver Wood, admit that, please for the love of all that is holyFlint: that’s completely absurd.Flint: i feel nothing for Wood except for intense, burning rage.Higgs: and yet somehow that translates over into a bonerHiggs: yknow i used to think it was just a quidditch boner but noHiggs: its an emotional bonerBletchley: a heart boner, if u willFlint: disgusting, all of youWarrington: okay rationally speaking, it’ll probably be healthier for you to just admit it and get it out in the open, like...all that pent up rage probably isn’t good for youWarrington: and it’ll help your gameHiggs: a little birdy told me Wood might be interestedHiggs:
well, they told me Wood is about as straight as a wet noodle soBletchley: Flint, we caught u getting all googly-eyed at him on Valentines, srsly, it’s veering on patheticWarrington: could u at least admit to us and stop being so moody when he doesn’t look at u when we switch off the pitch with the gryffs. Please. We’re begging youMontague: it’s jeopardizing!! Our potential at the cup!!! FLINT I THOUGHT YOU LOVED WINNINGBletchley: ADMIT IT! ADMIT IT!! ADMIT!! IT!!
Flint started a private chatFlint: the boys got me cornered what do i sayWood: ??Flint: montague made this stupid ass group chat about all our crushesFlint: as if I would have something as silly as a crushWood: ur pining ass had a crush on me for a whole yearWood: it was very amusing, i have to sayFlint: that’s rude and besides the pointFlint: also i have never felt anything remotely embarrassing like that for youWood: ok honeyFlint: anyways. they’re trying to get me to “admit it” and “handle my emotions healthily” and it’s absurdFlint: so what do i sayFlint: ...babe?Wood: im flying cant text now xoxoFlint: bITCHWood: :*
Flint entered The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1) Flint: 1) I have no feelings at all whatsoever in any context, so jot that down.Flint: 2) if anyone should be admitting feelings here, it’s Montague, so jot that down.Flint: 3) if you push this issue any further, i will make you all do laps until your asses bleed.Flint: is. That. clear.Higgs: he has the scary caterpillar eyebrows fam, it might be smart to save this for another dayWarrington: waitFlint: .Higgs: or not at all!! Hahaha lovely weather in the dungeons we’re having, aren’t we??Warrington: waiiiiitMontague: lets not waitWarrington: can we backtrack to point numero dos?Warrington: @Montague how come I don’t know about this?Bletchley: lmao duh ofc he’s not gnna tell you he likes you Higgs: ….Flint: yikes lmaoBletchley: o shit oops sorry montyWarrington: wait what?Montague has left The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1) Warrington added Montague to The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1) Warrington: explain.Montague: Farewell, fair Verona, i am taking my leave forever and hiding and becoming a hermit for the rest of my goddamn sad tragic fucking life. Fuck you, @Flint, and fuck you especially, @Bletchley, and please, no one be bothered by the lack of sound coming from my bed from here on out, oh also please tell Urquhart that he can take my spot on the team!!Montague has left The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1) Higgs: Cassius...Warrington: dw, i’ll go take care of his silly dramatic ass
Flint started a private chatFlint: crisis averted, no thanks to you, assholeWood: i heard u threw Montague under the busFlint: and it was glorious
Warrington started a private chatWarrington: excuse me, i did not know you liked me?Warrington: we are best friends? How could you not tell me?Montague: what part of ‘I am going into hiding to become a hermit’ do you not understand?Warrington: open your goddamn bed curtains, u silly thing
Montague started a private chatMontague: i love you :)Flint: i told u to just tell him
Montague created the group chatMontague named the group chat The Crushes Saga (Vol. 2) Pucey: wtfMalfoy: umMontague: hello young ones, how would you like to discuss your flaming crushes on Higgs and Potter, respectively?Malfoy has left The Crushes Saga (Vol. 2) Pucey has left The Crushes Saga (Vol. 2) Montague: you’ll come round!!