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If someone ain't able to cook an at least somewhat decent Mac’n’Cheese, there’s definitely something wrong with them. Because look, basically, a barbecue with an open invitation is always a solid idea and a way to get in contact with neighbors and make them lend you things you need - as long as you specifically exclude Joseph fuckin Seed and his siblings from the 'open’-thing. Huh. You know that feeling when you have forgotten something important, then suddenly remember it and realize you have fucked up? That's how Kim and I felt when the Seeds turned up at our barbecue and killed the mood faster than I would have thought was even possible. Faith Seed still wasn't wearing any fuckin shoes and at that point I was pretty sure that her feet should have been a bleeding mess by now (I admit I also was pretty scared because what kinda psychopath ain't afraid to step on a bee and get stung when they don't wear shoes?). John had this smug grin that made me wanna hit him plastered all over his face and was carrying what looked like Mac'n'Cheese. I had never seen Jacob before, but I'm pretty sure he looked like he always did - just a bit less dirty, as if someone (probably John, that dramatic dick) had finally forced him to take a shower. My personal highlight, though, was Joseph. Joseph Seed was wearing a godforsaken shirt, and if that ain't a sign for a nearing apocalypse, then I don't know. They were all four standing crowded together a few feet inside our yard and looked rather - ... awkward. It was, of course, Kim, who had been passing by and had seen me staring at the Seeds like a creep, that gave me a little slap on my back and told me to get the hell over there and to at least welcome our most irritating neighbors - I would have probably ignored them until they eventually would have left (because they realized that no one liked them) or would have rotted away. Look, man, I had always thought the Seeds were trouble, and by always I mean ever since they moved here and started buying up every inch of land they could get there ugly hands on! We live in Hope County, Montana, and the most exciting thing that should happen here is legitimately the Testicle Festival once a year - weird guys that come here and first live in a car, are suddenly able buy every farm in this damn county because their rich little brother materialized out of nowhere and then start some kinda cult straight after are not the people you would usually find here, you know? Well, the thing with the cult is barely more than a rumor, even though Joseph Seed really appeals to certain groups and people here, with the common ground being that everybody following him is kind of a loser. And I'm not even trying to say 'loser’ in a rude way, he just genuinely seems to be interesting for mostly those people that have gone through the worst shit and have made the wrong experiences and decisions. Anyway, I got my shit together eventually and headed over. “Good evening, Mister Rye”, Joseph tried to politely start the conversation, and usually I would have now told him to use my first name, but since I didn't like him, Rye was perfectly fucking fine with me, “Since we have heard this barbecue is open to anyone as long as they bring food along, we figured it would be lovely to get to know our relatively new neighborhood.”I wished I would have never had to meet him and wanted to tell him exactly that but then thought the better of it (because Kim was still watching) and with some brute self-control, forced out: “Nice to meet you. Should I take your - Mac’n'Cheese it is? - and bring it over to the buffet?” The Mac'n'Cheese didn't look like Mac’n'Cheese, but rather like yellow soup with noodles swimming in it. It made me wanna throw up, like most things this family produced. “Sure, that would be great”, John said while handing over the food, smiling his most innocent smile as if I wasn't able to detect the layer of smug underneath. I decided that someone should just really set him on fire. Or destroy this big ass ranch I had recently heard he was planning to build. I took the food anyway. Faith had already disappeared to spend time somewhere else, which I was grateful for, because from what a friend over in the west of the county had told me, conversations with her were pretty fucking exhausting, as she always talked either about Joseph or seemed so out of it that said friend had been close to asking her where she got her drugs from - the conclusion from all that is that talking to her must be a really lovely, blissful experience that I actually did not want to make. And with the Mac'n'Cheese disaster I was currently carrying I also had an excuse to flee the scene instead of talking to Jacob, the oldest sibling. One might say that he was a wolf on all levels except physical. Wuff.To be honest, I was just happy to have even made it out alive, so I went for it and hoped they would just leave. They, of course, didn't. “You should really try my Mac’n'Cheese, ya know? It's a recipe from my mom”, John fuckin Seed said, as if he wasn't exactly aware of the … thing he had created. He had joined me at the buffet a few minutes ago and had watched me way too closely while I was choosing my food, and I actually had thought that he did that just because he was a genuinely upsetting person and furthermore an asshole, but turns out he was trying to ruin my day by making me kill myself with that piece of literal trash. But look, I'm not one to step down when faced with a challenge and that's why I loaded some of the otherwise still untouched Mac'n'Cheese onto my plate and took a bite (at this point I should have probably thought about the fact that I hadn't written my testament yet), just to nearly spit that motherfucker out right after. I had never eaten such a watery Mac'n'Cheese in all my life, and I had stuffed loads of that stuff into me when I was younger - but this was basically noodles soaking in water with cheese aroma, or to say it more briefly: Disgusting. “If that's really your mother's recipe then she's a fuckin monster and should be put in jail, Seed”, I choked out. It got a chuckle out of him, the smile on his lips that beforehand could have been described as charming turning into the most annoying grin I had seen in a long time, and I probably should have slapped him for poisoning me, but big brother Jacob was watching us (and my wife as well) and I was actually pretty proud that I still had all my real teeth left. To be honest, I had been sure that John would now, after torturing me, just fuck off and mess around with someone else, but the guy wasn't done yet, instead he just grabbed my fork, took my plate, looked me dead in the eye and started eating - and he finished all of it, that sick fuck. There wasn't even any seasoning in it, the only spices I had been able to detect were salt and the slightest hint of pepper. “I don't know what's your problem, man, I think it's just fine”, he said, and I would have answered something, but it was in this moment I saw Faith trying to motivate our old-ass family dog to play with her, and from the way Benny was baring his fangs I was pretty sure he wasn't really interested in spending quality time with the Seeds flower girl instead of sleeping, and since bloody murder ain't exactly something you want to happen at your BBQ (too much police and too many questions), I politely excused myself. That didn't seem to particularly amuse John, but hell shall come raining down if I ever give a fuck about that guy. Such a dickhead. After I informed Jacob that his sister was about to be torn into pieces, I went to find my wife. The conversation, though, might be one of the most uncomfortable ones I have ever had, partly because we were the only two people left in that corner of the garden - as everyone else had escaped to the other side - and even more because the oldest Seed was one of those people that you would cast as the big bad wolf in Little Red Riding Hood without even hesitating, and it didn't get better when he tried to start a conversation by making a light joke, because that turned way too dark way too fast. And it didn't even stop there, because throughout all that he looked like he wanted to gut me and I seriously didn't know why - fair enough, I should be used to that by now, because Kim had that same look and attitude when I wouldn't help her to unload the dishwasher. Speaking of her, I wasn't sure if she hadn't suffered more than I had, because she pretty much looked like it: “Can we please just kick them out? If I gotta keep talking with either Joseph or Faith, I'm going to kill someone, and I'm not sure if it's going to be them or me. That walking man bun over there”, she slightly nodded into the direction where Joseph was currently bothering and molesting our other guests, “Has such a smooth and even voice that it makes me wanna kick him in the balls. Hell. As if he’s a preacher, but not one of the good kind, Nick, but more like those that won't finish their fucking sermons on time and make you sit through twelve extra minutes of a constantly repeating, drawn out topic.”This comment and that goddamned watery Mac'n'Cheese should have been two clear and loud warning shots. And I may were suspicious, but not suspicious enough. Yes, from that day on, I should have known the Seeds were monsters, but what can you do? It's too late now anyway.