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They’re fighting. Again. It’s nearly ten thirty and Mike’s tired for more than one reason.
The wedding is only a few weeks away and they’re always fighting. Why can’t things just work out?
Why can’t he come home to his beautiful fiancée and have dinner and spend time with her without this strange distance between them or a fight breaking out every other night?This isn’t like all the other times, though. This isn’t about his work, or his crimes, his time in prison, what they did or didn’t do, or Rachel’s family. This time Rachel says something that knocks the breath out of Mike’s lungs. “I’m not mad because you’re a fraud. Because that’s what you’ll always be, no matter what. I’m mad because you’re here, still, every day, when we both know that you don’t love me as much as you love Harvey, and you never will.”
It’s her tone that really does him in. It’s not cold or malicious, it’s reasoning and calculating, the way she is when they’re at work preparing a trial. Mike is speechless for a moment.
“What?” he says then, dumbly, slowly. “You heard me.” She says, and the way she has her arms crossed over her chest leaves no room for objections. Mike can’t breathe. All the air in the room is suddenly gone, the heat from the fight evaporated, the whip-like quickness of his thoughts turned slow like syrup. “I’m not in love with Harvey,” he chokes out eventually, and Rachel laughs. There are tears in her eyes. Mike tries to force air back into his lungs, and it tastes stale in his mouth. “I know,” she says bitterly, and her eyes narrow. “You are long past that. When you started, you adored him, you stared at him like he hung the moon. You’re past being in love. You love him.”“Rachel-““Differently than me, maybe. He’s always your exception, Mike, for everything.”Mike’s never particularly paid much attention to what exactly it was that he felt for Harvey - he knew it was strong but he also thought it was of little consequence. He had everything he needed - he loved his work, there was virtually nothing he desired but couldn’t afford, he was about to get married to a beautiful woman - there was nothing out of place in his life at all. Except for that burning feeling behind his rips. He’d thought it was nothing at first, stress, boredom, but no matter what he did, it remained. It would dull down or intensify or change to a flutter without him noticing immediately, and he’s felt it for so long that it became more of thought at the back of his mind rather than a something he was constantly aware of. “Are you listening to me, Mike!” Rachel snaps, pulling him out of his thoughts. He meets her eyes and her jaw tightens as she realizes she has to repeat herself. “I said, as long as you don’t get a grip on your feelings for Harvey, this is not going to work out.”It’s another blow to his chest. He feels his shoulders sag. The direction this is going in is clear. There’ll be no wedding. “We were fine, Rachel.” He says weakly. But he doesn’t know what else to say. He had truly hoped they’d worked out, even though he’d known they weren’t a perfect fit. “Don’t you understand? I don’t want to be with someone who loves someone else more. I want to be with someone who loves me, a hundred percent. I don’t want things to be fine. Or okay, or good.” Her voice catches, and again her eyes are filling with tears. “I deserve better than that, Mike.”And with that, she pulls the ring off her finger, and places it, gently but firmly, on the coffee table between them.
As she straightens, she blinks the tears away. “Goodbye, Mike.”And she walks past him and out of the door. It clicks shut with a finality that settles around Mike’s shoulders like a hundred-pound weight. I love Harvey, he thinks, and finally, the burning feeling inside his ribcage has a name.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Harvey gets home late, after ten pm. It’s not unusual, but in the past years he’s tried not to make it a habit. Now, though, he finds himself staying at the office after hours more and more, and his beloved spacious apartment seems too large and empty. He’ll have a whiskey, maybe watch some TV, then go to bed. He’s had dinner at the office. Halfway through his glass his phone rings. He almost doesn’t answer it, but it’s Rachel. “Rachel, what’s-“ he begins, but she interrupts him. “Harvey,” she says, her voice thick, as if she’s crying. “I’m- I- Mike and I aren’t getting married.”“What?” he asks, shocked. “What happened?” He only hears her sniffle. “Rachel, what’s wrong? You can tell me.” He says, softer. “No, I can’t. It’s not- Mike and I just don’t work out.”“How long have you thought that?” “A while, now.”He tenses a little. Mike was always head over heels for her, and he’d grown closer to her through Mike. He considers them good friends - but he didn’t think she’d leave Mike in the dark about her doubts while they were engaged. “Have you talked about that?” He says, cautiously. “I’ve tried,” she starts, “but we’ve always just ended up fighting. I-“ She takes a breath. “Listen, Harvey, I called you because- because I think he might call you too, or go to your place. And... it’s not his fault, ok?”None of this makes any sense. “Rachel, I don’t understand.”“Just- it’s not his fault. I know one can’t control everything. But I can’t keep going like this. Ok?”“I don’t- How can I help you when I don’t know what’s wrong?” He tries again, and Rachel laughs quietly. “This time you can’t help, Harvey. But thanks.” There’s a pause. “I gotta go now. I’m going to my parent’s.”“Are you sure?”“Yes, Harvey.”He wipes a hand over his face. “Okay.”“Maybe don’t tell Mike I called you.”He objects. “I won’t keep secrets from him, Rachel.”“No, yeah, you’re right,” she concedes. She sounds tired, now. Exhausted. “I’m sorry.”She hangs up. Worry sits like a clump in Harvey’s chest. Should he call Mike? Or wait for him to call? God, what had happened? He’d never suspected anything was wrong between them. Mike had mentioned that they fought occasionally, but Harvey hadn’t paid much attention to it. All couples fought over their wedding planning, didn’t they? It seemed like it was nothing to worry about. But now he doesn’t know what to do. He hates the feeling. He needs control - the sense of hanging in the air, unable to do anything - it constantly gnawed at him the whole time Mike was in prison. Harvey fills a second glass of whiskey. And waits. He waits almost an hour. He doesn’t know why Mike took so long, why he hesitated going to him for help. Hasn’t he made it clear enough that he’d never turn him away?It’s a quarter past eleven when he finally hears a meager knock at the door, and rushes to open it. It’s worse then he thought: Mike looks awful. His shoulders slumped, his face pale and eyes red - and he won’t look him in the eye. “I know it’s late,” he says, miserably, “but-“
Harvey just pulls him forward into a hug. Mike goes willingly, wrapping his arms slowly around his torso, chin hooked over Harvey’s shoulder. He’s shaking, Harvey notices, and holds him closer. “We’ll figure it out. Don’t worry.”Harvey brings him into the living room, but doesn’t bring out the alcohol. He feels like that would just make everything worse. “Talk to me, Mike.” He says, anxious for a plan of action. They sit down on the couch. “I’m not getting married.” Mike says, staring at his hands. “I fucked up. But I guess Rachel called you already.”“She wouldn’t tell me anything.”Of course she didn’t, Mike thinks bitterly. Of course she would never tell Harvey. She’s too good for that and he never deserved her. But he can’t tell Harvey either. Not yet, not ever. He shakes his head. “Alright,” Harvey says slowly. “You don’t have to tell me.” He pauses. “Rachel said to me that it’s not your fault. Did- did she do anything?”Mike buries his head in his hands. “No,” he says quietly. “No, she didn’t do anything. This is all on me.” He looks absolutely crushed. Harvey can barely stand looking at him. I would never do that to him. “Don’t be so hard on yourself,” he tries. No matter what he tries, how gently he prods, Mike tells him nothing. After a while he ushers him into the guest bedroom.
“ Rest,” he says firmly. “Just try to get some sleep. We’ll figure out what to do tomorrow. Don’t worry.” Mike goes without objection, without snark or sarcastic comment. Whatever it is that happened, it’s bad. I would never do that to him, Harvey thinks again while getting into bed himself. ——In the morning Mike already sits in his kitchen, hunched over a bowl of cereal. His eyes are red and is staring into his food instead of eating it. Harvey doesn’t bother asking how he slept. “Do you want an aspirin?”“No,” Mike says. His voice is rough. “But thanks.”“Sure.” He thinks for a moment. Then he walks over to fridge and fills a glass of water. “Drink this at least.”Mike takes it without a word, drinks half of it in one go, then sets it down and goes back to staring into his bowl. Harvey wants to do something, but he can’t think of anything. His friend looks no better than last night. He wouldn’t tell him what was wrong then, and Harvey doesn’t want to push him. As a lawyer, he knows how to get information he needs - but as a friend, he just wants to help Mike feel better. He doesn’t need to know what happened just yet. Mike made some breakfast for himself out of routine, but he can’t bring himself to actually eat it. Everything feels wrong and out of place. He never had a problem staying over at Harvey’s before, but this is obviously different. How stupid is he to show up at Harvey’s after Rachel left him because of him?But - it’s not like he has anyone else. He couldn’t have gone to Donna’s, or Louis’. But it still feels wrong. He’s bailed out of his own home into Harvey’s, and he won’t tell him why. He can tell that Harvey is worried about him - he must be a pitiful picture to look at. His chest flutters painfully. Maybe he should get his heart checked?
Bullshit, he reprimands himself immediately. He just needs to get a hold of himself. It feels wrong not to tell Harvey - but he also can’t imagine telling him. What if he doesn’t feel the same way? He can’t lose his friendship, not now. He needs to lean on him, because Rachel is gone, and he doesn’t know what to do. He feels the loss as keenly as he did every other - and while she is still very much alive, she is farther away than ever, and he can’t even reach out to her. He wants to cry again. He does love her. He loves her character and her confidence and how beautiful and how smart she is, and how dedicated and how honest. But he understands her as well - she deserves someone who loves her fully, and not someone who can’t decide who he loves most. Because he loves Harvey too. It’s a different kind of love - something he can’t put into words. Not yet. Maybe he never can. Maybe he’ll never find out why he loves Harvey. And then the most terrifying thought occurs to him: What if Harvey does feel the same? He can’t even imagine it, doesn’t dare to, even though his heart flutters. He takes a breath to calm it down. Even if Harvey did - what if Mike’s love isn’t enough? What if he never gets over Rachel, and he can’t be enough for Harvey either? His throat closes up, and he swallows, willing himself not to cry. “Mike?” Harvey’s voice suddenly breaks through his spiraling thoughts. He waves a hand in front of his face. “You still there?” Mike blinks and looks up.“Hm? Sorry, I was- lost in thought.”“Yeah, I could see that.” Harvey looks him over, concern etched into his face. “Don’t think too much about it, okay? We’ll figure it out. You don’t have to tell me.”“Okay,” Mike says, quietly. He wipes a hand over his face and moves to get up. “I should get dressed.”“Are you sure?” Harvey interrupts him. “You can stay here today. You don’t have to come in. You should rest.”“I have the Davidson case-““I can handle it. Don’t worry about it.”Mike isn’t entirely convinced, but he doesn’t object. ——Harvey’s on edge all morning. As soon as he stepped through the PSL doors, he wants to call Mike and ask how he’s doing. Was it stupid to leave him alone? Should he have stayed with him?
He was definitely in no good shape but Harvey doesn’t want him to think that he sees him as some sort of invalid. When his grandmother died, it seemed reasonable to keep him busy to keep his mind off his pain - but now he’s leaving him alone with it. Would being around the office be any better? Being around Rachel?
He sighs. He’ll have to figure it out. Right away he tells Donna that Mike won’t be in. He wonders if she’s heard Rachel’s side of the story, but decides not to ask. He walks by Rachel’s office as soon as he has five minutes to spare, and she looks like she’s been expecting him. “Harvey,” she says, “what do you need?”“I’m sure you can guess.”, he says, and he doesn’t keep the chill out of his voice. Rachel’s composure falters slightly. “I can’t talk about this, Harvey. Let’s keep our conversations about business, please.”She’s pleading with him, but he ignores it. He replaces the coldness in his voice with urgency. “He won’t tell me what happened. But if you could see him right now-““Harvey, it’s not-““I was afraid to leave him alone,” he says, realizing he means it. Rachel’s voice quivers. She’s clearly not unaffacted, but in far better shape than Mike. “There’s nothing I can do, Harvey.”“You can forgive him! What has he done? What could he possibly have done?” His fists clench at his sides. “You know the kind of man he is! What happened that made you leave him like that?”There’s a pause, and Harvey notices he’s breathing hard. He relaxes his fists and tries to even out his breaths. Straightening up, he glowers at her. “It’s not my place to say,” she says quietly, defeatedly. A tear spills, and she wipes it away quickly. “I’m sorry, Harvey.”He leaves without another word. Back in his office, he calls Mike. It’s only eleven, but he wants to check in on him. “How are you doing?”, he asks, trying for casual. “I hope you’re not making a mess.”“No, I’m just- sitting around. Not really sure what I’m supposed to be doing. Are you sure you don’t want me to come in?” Mike sounds as tired as he did in the morning. “You looked like hell. You need to rest.”Mike laughs quietly. “I don’t think I remember how to do that. I’ve worked with you for too long.”There’s the Mike that Harvey knows, and it relieves him. Maybe he overreacted in his worry. He sits up at his desk. “Ok, I’ll tell you what. There’s a gym in the building, on the top floor. It’s for residents, but you’ll get in with my card. It’s in the cupboard in the hallway.”“Ok, I think I might go there.” Mike gets up. “Thanks.”“Of course,” Harvey replies. “If there’s anything at all, just call me.”“Yeah. Thanks.”The calls ends, and it feels like something is missing, the next logical step, last part of the conversation. But Harvey doesn’t dwell on it. He needs to get this day over with quickly so he can get home. Maybe they should go out for dinner. Or should he order in? Thai, maybe. Or italian. He’ll just ask what Mike wants. As long as it’s not cheap pizza, he can make do with that.