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CELEBRITIES LIVE AT THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL In Hollywood, a variety show for charity against Meningitis was being planned. The show was to be hosted by the mighty Bruce Campbell and had an all star cast including Brie Larson, Margot Robbie, Cara Delevingne, Chris Pine, Chris Evans, Chris Pratt, Chris Hemsworth, Jason Statham, Scarlett Johansson, Josh Gad, Michael Cera, Simon Pegg, Anna Kendrick, Eva Green, Megan Fox, Olivia Wilde, Saoirse Ronan, Emma Stone, Jennifer Lawrence, Dakota Johnson, Aly Michalka, Idris Elba, Gal Gadot, Henry Cavill and many, many others! Brie Larson was in a sketch where she was introducing a screening of “Room”, but it gets interrupted by none other than Tommy Wiseau, who is not happy about this movie having the same title as “The Room”. Tommy was played by James Franco. When asked why him (no pun intended) and not the real Tommy, James answered “Have you ever met the real Tommy?” Chirses Pine, Pratt, Evans, Hemsworth, and Kris Kristofferson were in a sketch where all of them were sharing a house because their names are Chris. “This is a ‘Chris’ only zone,” Evans said in his interview. “And we all have to put up with each other.” “I am the only sensible Chris,” said Pratt. “The mother of the family.” “I’m the stud,” said Pine. “I boast about banging many women and won’t let it go.” “I’m the handsome vain one,” said Hemsworth. “In love with myself 24/7.” “I’m the oddball,” said Kristofferson. “I’m always on my guitar no matter what is going on.” Simon Pegg, Jack Whitehall, Keira Knightley, Helen Mirren and Daniel Radcliffe were in a sketch called “Farting Etiquette”, where a group of posh people fart in the most sophisticated way possible. “If Jane Austen wrote about farting, this would be it,” explained Simon in his interview. “I’m being typecast as another farter,” said Daniel. “At least you’re not typecast as a certain wizard,” said Jack. “Y’know, the role you stole from me.” “Could’ve been worse,” added Helen. “Could’ve been Robert Pattinson.” “Oh the cunt!” groaned Jack. The sound of Robert’s name made his cringe. Saoirse Ronan was doing a sketch called “The Do’s and Don’ts of Masturbation”, a 50’s style educational film, written and narrated by Greta Gerwig. “It is taking the piss outta 1950’s educational films about nuclear war and stuff,” explained Greta in her interview. “With the over the top narrator and the main character who seems to know the narrator is there, somehow.” Emma Stone and Aly Michalka were playing a vampire and a werewolf in a sketch where they have to share the house. But there is a zombie invasion and a zombie, played by Dakota Johnson wonders in. First they’re scared, but then Aly’s character wants to keep her as a pet. Dakota enjoyed getting her zombie makeup done. Then she had denim jacket, skirt and a red shirt on. “We wanted to make her attractive, but zombie like,” said the make up artist. “She’s too cute to be a zombie,” said Emma. “She’s the cutest zombie ever,” added Aly. Jason Statham, Josh Gad, Eva Green, Michael Cera, Scarlett Johansson, Jesse Eisenberg and Anna Kendrick were playing the seven deadly Sins: Jason was Anger, a football hooligan. Jesse was Greed, money hungry bastard who dresses in a Wall Street suit. Josh was Gluttony, a…...well, a glutton. Michael was Sloth, a lazy stoner. Eva was Vanity, a narcissist. Anna was Lust, a pervert. And Scarlett was Envy, a bitch. The Sins would appear in two sketches: The first one was in a cinema where the Sins try to watch a movie, but are distracted by the annoying audience texting and talking. The next sketch was where they go on Family Feud against the Seven Virtues. Gal Gadot and Henry Cavill were doing a sketch where they pose nude for an art class. And they were going to do it full frontal. “It would be an honour to show all my body to the whole of North America,” said Gal. “Nervous, but confident all the same,” said Henry. But the final sketch was the most bizarre. It was a live action sketch based on the adult anime “Panty and Stocking With Garterbelt”. For those of you who don’t know, the anime was like Japan’s answer to South Park or Family Guy. It was about two angels called Panty and Stocking who have kicked out of Heaven due to bad behaviour, and as punishment they have to go to Daten City and fight off ghosts. The angels fight the ghosts with Panty taking off her panties and turning them into a pistol and Stocking taking off her stockings and turning them into katannas. Yes, this is real! In this sketch, Panty was to be played by Cara Delevingne and Stocking was to be played by Margot Robbie. “Panty is real bitch,” explained Cara. “She’s selfish, narcissistic, and just a horrible person in general. She is the sort of person who can’t go five seconds without saying ‘fuck’ or ‘cunt’. She is also man-crazy. VERY man-crazy. She’s an extreme cock-oholic.” “Stocking is a goth who loves sweets,” explained Margot. “She and Panty argue a lot and they love and hate each other. Typical sibling rivalry.” When they weren’t fighting ghosts, Panty, the slut, spends most her time having sex with many men. Whereas Stocking, a goth with a sweet tooth, spends most of the time eating sugary foods; cakes, chocolates, candies of all kind. They live with an afro priest named Garterbelt and they drive him mad. Garterbelt was to be played by Idris Elba. “Garterbelt is the typical 70’s afro priest,” he explained. “He is a badass and has to put up with the angels’ arrogance. He is also has secret…………. A fetish if you will.” Panty and Stocking’s arch enemies were the Deamon sisters, two she-devils called Scanty and Kneesocks. Like the angels, they too can take off their underwear and turn them into weapons. Olivia Wilde was to play Scanty and Megan Fox was to play Kneesocks. “Scanty and Kneesocks are the more sophisticated, lady like ones,” explained Olivia. “They’re very smart and often use big words to win banter against the angels,” said Megan. “The sisters also kiss each others’ asses and it just make you wanna puke,” added Olivia. But the Deamon Sisters weren’t the only ones who get under Panty and Stocking’s skin. A teenage boy called Brief is in the show. He is a very nerdy boy who LOVES Panty like crazy and tries to hang out with her, but they’re just very rude to him and abuse him all the time. He was to be played by Michael Cera. “Just a kid who loves comic, sci-fi and anime,” he explained. “A nice boy, but he is crazy to want to be with Panty, who is just plain horrible.” “This is one of the craziest concepts in the history of like, ever!” Cara said. “What were the creators smoking when they came up with this?” laughed Margot. “It is extremely rude, it makes Seth MacFarlane look like a pussy,” said Olivia. “My kids cannot see this sketch,” sighed Megan. Scanty and Kneesocks have red skin, which meant Megan and Olivia had to undergo 4 hours of makeup. It was long, tedious and very dull. The actresses would have to watch movies on a portable DVD player to pass the time. “That is until the DVD starts skipping!” said Olivia. “We have the skin and then we have the wigs,” added Megan. Scanty and Kneesocks have big hair. Scanty’s is green and Kneesocks is blue. Also, Kneesocks has a horn on her head. “I kept knocking things over and poking at people in the face,” said Megan. “On purpose,” laughed Olivia. Panty wore a red dress and high heels. She also had massive blonde hair. Stocking was a goth, which meant she had white face paint on, a black lolitta dress and of course, her blue and purple striped stockings. Cara and Margot had to wear the wigs. Cara had Panty’s massive blonde wig and Margot had a Jessie J type wig, which was violet. “The wigs itch like fuck,” said Cara. Garterbelt the priest had a typical white robe on and his huge afro. “In the anime, it is massive,” explained Idris. “But in this show, we had to make it a bit smaller. Can’t have me falling down.” Brief’s costume consisted of a green Ghostbuster type suit on and a ginger wig. “In the anime, Brief’s hair covers his eyes,” explained Michael. “But in this show, we have to show my eyes, cos I’ll be bumping into everything. I try to woo Cara Delevingne and fail sadly. But you’ll never know.” “This will be the sexiest, most offensive show yet!” laughed Margot. After months of rehearsal, it was showtime! The stage was set, the audience got into their seats and there was TV cameras ready to air it on HBO. Since the audience were outside, one audience member remarked “I hope it doesn’t rain.” The cast were nervous backstage. Bruce Campbell was doing his warm ups by jumping up and down and holding out his hands as if he was doing a form of Chi. “Campbell, what the fuck are you doing warm ups for?” asked Chris Pine. “You just standing there on stage talking to people.” “Asshole, do I tell you how to do your job?” answered Bruce. 30 seconds to go. “This is it!” cried the cast. “Good luck, everyone!” called Bruce. The audience sat in their seats and the lights on stage dimmed. It was now show time! The HBO logo came on every home in North America. “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WELCOME TO CELEBRITIES LIVE AT THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL!” The audience cheered like crazy. “AND HERE IS YOUR HOST……………. ME!” Bruce ran on stage and the audience went even crazier. When they quietened down, Bruce began. “Yes, it is me the beautiful Bruce Campbell. The star of the show! Even though I never got an Oscar, a BAFTA, a Golden Globe or a fuckin’ Emmy yet. What’s wrong people? Do you have something against people who play the same character in every role they play? Sean Connery won an Oscar for playing an Irishman in The Untouchables, and he didn’t even do an Irish accent!” Bruce looked a little angry, and then calmed down. “Calm down, Bruce. Not again. You will win an award soon enough. Just like the other fuckers in this bastard show.” He calmed down and looked at the audience. “Sorry, folks. Anyway, speaking of Oscars, our first sketch has the talented Brie Larson who is about to do a screening of ‘Room’, but it rudely interrupted by a strange person. Also, my buddy Ted Raimi is in this sketch. Well, he was cheap.” Bruce ran off stage and the lights turned on behind him to reveal Brie and Ted standing underneath a massive screen. Both of them had massive smiles on their faces. Ted was in a tux and Brie was in a dress. “Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming to see this wonderful movie!” announced Ted. “Yes,” added Brie. “The movie which won me and Oscar, made me famous, got me a role in the MCU and thanks to this flick, I will never be stuck doing shitty indie movies ever again!” Brie of course was playing a parody of herself. “Yes,” said Ted. “So after we show you this masterpiece, Brie will do a Q and A and talk in depth of this movie and her performance.” “So, sit back and enjoy the brilliance of my performance!” said Brie. “HOLD ON A MINUTE!” cried a strange European voice. “What the fuck?” asked Brie. The voice was coming from the audience. “Who said that?” asked Brie. “Who dares interrupt my extraordinary performance?” “ME!” said the voice. A figure from the audience stood up. The audience screamed as it was James Franco dressed as Tommy Wiseau. He began to make his way to the stage. “Dude, who the fuck are you?” asked Brie. “Duh! I’m Tommy Wiseau, one of the greatest actor and film director like ever!” Tommy had made his way on the stage and walked over to Brie and Ted. “What seems to be the problem sir?” asked Ted. “This girl stole my title,” answered Tommy. “What?” asked Ted. “I made a movie called ‘The Room’,” said Tommy. “Greatest movie of all time, and this girl stole my title. Not only that, but she win Oscar for it.” “Dude, incase you haven’t noticed,” began Brie. “My movie got four nominations and won one, thanks to me. How many has your movie won? Oh, let me think....... NONE!” “But I DID win Oscar for my performance!” cried Tommy. “Mr Wiseau, that wasn’t you,” corrected Ted. “And it wasn’t an Oscar, it was a Golden Globe. James Franco played you in a movie and won the Golden Globe for it.” “Thanks to me,” added Tommy. “Can’t argue with that,” said Ted. “But you stole my title,” Tommy said to Brie. “I sue you. This America.” “Look, this movie is based on a book,” said Brie. “The Author wrote the book back in 2010, she probably never saw or even heard of your movie.” Tommy looked very sad. “How can this author not heard of me?” he asked. “I greatest actor ever!” “Yeah, better than DeNiro, Dustin Hoffman and Jack Nicholson,” Brie remarked sarcastically. “Look, Tommy,” said Ted. “There is nothing you can do. This movie was released 3 years ago. It’s just coincidence.” “Mmmmm,” groaned a depressed Tommy. Brie and Ted looked at Tommy. “You wanna watch my movie?” asked Brie. Tommy looked at Brie and thought for a moment. “Yeah, okay.” Brie looked at the audience. “Ladies and gentlemen, Tommy Wiseau is going to watch my ‘Room’!” The lights dimmed down and the audience applauded as the sketch was over. Bruce walked back on stage. “Ladies, be warned. We have a lot of Chrises right now. We have Chris Pine, Chris Pratt, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Evans and Kris Kristofferson, the sexiest one, all living in house together. It’ll be a Chris-sis! Get it? It’s Crisis, but it’s Chris…… oh fuck it!” The audience applauded as Bruce walked off stage. The lights came on to reveal a living room set. Pine was on an armchair reading the Enquirer and admiring it. Evans was watching TV, Hemsworth was lifting weights and Kristofferson was holding his guitar. Pine was reading the magazine, skimming through page after page. “Fucked her. Fucked her too. Her as well. And her. Her asshole still hurts to this day. Fucked her too. Haven’t fucked her yet, but there’s still time.” “Hey, Pine-us,” said Evans as he held up a picture of an elderly lady. “Fucked her yet?” “That’s my mom,” said Pine. “I know,” laughed Evans. An Angry Pine grabbed the picture with hand and grabbed Evans’ hand with the other. He held the picture between Evans’ fingers. SLICE! He gave him a paper cut. Evans howled in pain. Pratt walked in wearing an apron and rubber gloves. He was also carrying a duster. “Would you two stop that? Honestly do I have to do everything? Oh, let me think. Yes, I do-do everything! Because you bastards are so lazy, hardly anything gets done around here.” “I’m busy looking great,” said Hemsworth as he lifted weights. Pine got up and walked over to him. “Give me those, Kangaroo fucker!” He snatched the weights off him. “Hey, you racist bastard!” snapped Hemsworth. “We’re Americans, it’s our job to be racist,” said Pine. “Okay, plenty of fat to burn and women to fuck.” He began to lift the weights. “One………….. Two……………., okay, I’m done.” “The fuck are you lifting weights for?” asked Evans. “I got a hot date tonight with a woman called Christine,” said Pine. “Okay, family conference!” announced Pratt as she picked up a kitchen mallet and bashed it on the table. That caused the other Chrises to jump. “As you know, our rent money is low,” said Pratt. “Mainly due to you bastards wasting your money on crap. Pine you waste it on sex toys, Evans you waste it on sports stuff, Hemsworth, you waste it on workout equipment and Kristofferson, you waste it on…….” But Kristofferson was busy playing with his guitar. “Kristofferson, don’t play with your guitar when I am talking to you,” said Pratt sternly. “But I have written a song,” said Kristofferson. Pine walked over to him, grabbed the guitar and smashed it on the table. Kristofferson got up and left the room, but then came back with another guitar. “Exactly, you been wasting our money on guitars!” cried Pratt. “Please, I’m a musician,” said Kristofferson. “My music is everything. It’s a lot better than Dubstep crap you kids listen to!” “He’s got a point there,” said Evans. “Yeah, it’s all noise,” said Hemsworth. “Anyway,” announced Pratt. “So I sent an ad to get more roommates to help us pay the rent.” “Oh, have you made sure….?” Pine began to ask. “Yes, I made sure the ad is for ‘Chrises’ only!” said Pratt. “Oh good, if I ever meet anyone called John again……!” Pine began in an angry tone. There was a knock on the door. Pratt went over to answer it. He opened the door and in came two men called Chris alright. Christoph Waltz and Christopher Walken. “Awesome, we have two Oscar winning Chrises!” Pratt said in delight. “Pleasure,” said Waltz. “Charmed,” said Walken. “Do come in, have a drink,” said Pratt. “As a celebration, let’s get pissed,” said Hemsworth as he threw Walken and Waltz two cans of Bud. The other Chrises, except for Pine, all pulled out cans too and opened them. “Isn’t it nice that us Chrises can be together?” said Walken. “Soon, everybody called Chris will take over the world. To the death and destruction of everyone not called Chris.” They all clinked their cans together and drank. “So Christoph, you’re European,” said Pine. “Obviously,” replied Waltz. “I knew a European once,” began Pine. “Her name was Sofia. The best blow job I ever got.” There was another knock on the door. “That’ll be my date!” said Pine excitedly. He walked over and opened the door to reveal his date. And that’s when everyone except for Pine just cringed. There was a woman called Christine alright. But she was none other than……. Christine Weston Chandler. AUTHOR’S NOTE: If you don’t know who Christine Weston Chandler is, she is the creator of the worst webcomic “Sonichu” and her life…………… oh boy. You have no idea! Pine looked at Christine, who was in a dress too small for her. “Christine, pleasure. I am actor Chris Pine. Fellas, I’m gonna stay over at Christine’s house for the night. Oh the things we’re gonna do!” He excitedly ran off with Christine. All the others Chrises looked at each other in fear. “It’s for his own good,” said Hemsworth. The lights dimmed and the audience applauded as the sketch was over. Bruce walked back on stage again. “Join us in Part 2 where we’ll have more outrageousness!” More applause followed as Part 1 ended.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

The role of Christine Weston Chandler was played by an impressionist by the way. And no, it wasn’t Liquid Chris. Backstage, James took off his Tommy wig and looked at Brie. “Imagine if Tommy did a shot for shot remake of your ‘Room’,” he said to her. “Oh Christ!” laughed Brie. “I’M TIRED OF BEING IN THIS STINKING ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!” James cried in his Tommy voice. “And get Denny to play Jack,” suggested Brie. They both laughed. Gal Gadot and Henry Cavill were feeling really nervous, because they were going to bare all on stage in the next part. “It’s a real shame we have to wait for another fucking sketch for us to do it!” said Henry. “The tension is fucking killing me.” “At least you guys look great naked,” replied Josh Gad. “Although, beware of teenagers masturbat…..,” began Anna Kendrick. Gal and Henry looked at her. “Well, they will,” added Anna. “In fact they’ve been doing it since the beginning of the franchise.” Part 2 began and the audience applauded as Bruce walked on stage. “Our next sketch is about seven assholes, and no, I am not one of them. No, it is the seven Deadly Sins in a movie theatre. Starring Jason Statham as Anger, Josh Gad as Gluttony, Eva Green as Vanity, Michael Cera as Sloth, Anna Kendrick as Lust, Scarlett Johansson as Envy and Jesse Eisenberg as Greed.” Bruce walked off and the lights behind him came on to reveal a row of cinema chairs. Some of them had people on them. Greed, Sloth, Lust and Anger came walking in. “Can’t believe you got us the VIP treatment, Greed,” said Lust. “It’s amazing what bribery can do,” replied Greed. “And people thought I was a greedy, money hungry bastard. Did you know that there are more souls in Hell than there are in Heaven? Most of them are politicians, journalists and Hollywood producers.” There was a massive round of applause and laughter. The sins sat on their seats. Gluttony came in with two trays of snacks; popcorn, nachos, bags of candy and a massive coke. “Oh you bought us snacks,” Greed said to him. “How kind.” “Fuck off,” snapped Gluttony. “This is all for me and me only.” “Christ, you really are a Yank,” remarked Anger. But Gluttony had trouble trying to sit down and place his trays anywhere. “You want me to hold onto it?” asked Sloth. “No, you’ll end up eating it,” snapped Gluttony. Fortunately for him, it was the VIP chairs, meaning you don’t have to push the actual seat down to sit. Gluttony just sat down, but as he did, the popcorn, Nachos and sauce all fell all over his lap. “OH FUCK!” This caused Lust, Sloth, Anger and Greed to burst out laughing. “Man, fuck you guys,” groaned an annoyed Gluttony. A few seconds later, Envy and Vanity walked in. “Jesus, I thought you were never going to come outta that fucking bathroom,” said Envy. “Well, if one is so perfect, one must always look one’s best at all times,” replied Vanity as she took a Selfie. “Dude, you’re in a fuckin’ movie theatre,” said Envy. “You dumb cunt.” She and Vanity sat down and the movie began. The sins tried to watch but there was a problem. MUNCH! CRUNCH! MUNCH! SLOBBER! MUNCH! CRUNCH! Gluttony was munching on his snacks and it was so loud, hardly anyone could hear the movie. Everyone all looked at him. “WHA’?” he asked with his mouth full. Everyone ignored him and went back to watching the movie. However, there were two teengers talking behind Anger. He was getting more and more annoyed as these little bastards wouldn’t shut up. Frustrated, he got up and walked over to them. “Excuse me, boys,” he began. “Am I listening to a fucking DVD commentary here?” The boys gave him a dirty look. “Suck my dick,” one of them said. This caused the other boy to laugh. Anger grabbed their heads and bashed them together. “OWWWW!!” they cried. “If you two cunts don’t shut the fuck up, I’ll make you suck my dick,” warned Anger. The scared boys nodded. Anger went back to his seat. Vanity was trying to take another Selfie, but it was too dark for her. “Oh, I have to issue a complaint to this cinema,” she said. The audience continued to watch the movie, but there was another problem. A teenage girl was on her phone and it was so bright, it filled up the whole cinema. Everyone groaned. Anger got out of his chair and walked over to the girl. He snatched the phone off her and walked over to Gluttony. “Gluttony, eat this phone,” he told him. “Okay,” said Gluttony as he dipped the phone into Nacho Cheese and ate it. But there was someone else on their phone! A teenage boy. Anger got out of his chair again and walked over to him. “Oi, mate, you’re meant to be watching a film, not discussing……” He looked at the phone that the boy was using. “.......why is Nicki Minaj’s arse so big,” finished Anger. “Dude, like, fuck off,” snarled the boy. “You’re such a fag.” Anger then grabbed him by the shirt and dragged him out of the cinema. Then we heard a loud SQUELCH! Followed by the boy screaming. Anger and the boy came back into the cinema again, and the boy appeared to be walking like a crab. The phone was shoved up his arse. Anger got back onto his seat. Sloth took a joint from his jacket and began to light it. He started to smoke it. The smoke went all over the cinema and everyone started coughing. A security guard came in and walked over to him. “Sir, what are you doing?” he asked Sloth. “I’m having a good time,” laughed Sloth. “You should always have a great time at the movies!” The guard snatched the joint off him, but then he took away Sloth’s bong…. “NO!” cried Sloth. …… his bag of weed and his bag of cocaine. “This is forbidden,” said the guard. “Well, how else am I going to watch the movie in 3D?” asked Sloth. The guard left with all the drugs. “Dude, someday I’m gonna open my own theatre,” said Sloth. “And at the snack bar, there will be all kinds of drugs. Greed, can you help me achieve my dream?” “We’ll see,” replied Greed. Lust was feeling aroused. “Oh, that guy on screen is so hot,” she said. She was trying everything she could not to feel aroused. She bit her finger, crossed her legs, but nothing was working. She then decided to put her hand down her pants and have a great time. But Envy grabbed her hand. “No, don’t be like the woman in Mexico who was just masturbating to Fifty Shades,” she told her. “Go to the bathroom.” Lust got up and ran out of the cinema. Finally everyone could watch the movie in peace. That was until Tom Holland entered the cinema with a megaphone. He had a crafty look on his face as he switched it on. “I’VE SEEN THIS FILM!” he said into it. “THE TWIST AT THE END IS THAT MAN TURNS OUT TO BE THE KILLER!” Everyone groaned with disappointment. They looked at Tom with angry faces. “ALSO THE WOMAN WHO DIED AT THE START ISN’T DEAD AT ALL!” continued Tom. “OH, IT WAS SUCH A GREAT TWIST! I NEVER SAW IT COMING!” “I’m gonna rip your cock off!” snapped Anger. “Anger, allow me,” said a voice in the row. It was Anthony Mackie. “Oh shit!” whined Tom. “YOU LITTLE BASTARD!” cried Anthony as he got up and chased after Tom out of the cinema. The audience applauded as the sketch ended. Bruce was back on stage. “Ugh, people who spoil the movie should be imprisoned. Our next sketch involves……” Tom and Anthony ran across the stage. Tom ran behind Bruce and Anthony stood in front of him. “Quick, Bruce! Knock him out with your big chin!” begged Tom. “I’m sorry, no-one tells me how to use this thing but me,” said Bruce. “Hey, it’s funny that I was in Sam Raimi’s Spider-man, and now you’re…..” Anthony moved Bruce out of the way and continued to chase Tom, who ran off the stage and into the audience. Anthony ran into the screaming and laughing audience, and chased Tom out of the area. “Play nice, children,” Bruce called after them, then he looked at the audience. “Our next sketch involves two of the sexiest stars of the DCEU; Henry Cavill and Gal Gadot, taking it off. Oh yes. This is the real reason why you are all here. Also, another friend of mine, Lucy Lawless is the art teacher. Enjoy!” Bruce walked off stage and the lights behind him came on to reveal an art class set. Lucy Lawless was the art teacher and the students were Jack Whitehall, Anna Kendrick, Cara Delevingne, Dakota Johnson, Jesse Eisenberg, Saoirse Ronan and Michael Cera. “Now class,” began the teacher. “Welcome to our life model class, where you get the chance to not only sketch a person who has to stand there for an hour, but also has to be stark naked. Most of your drawing will be crap, but I will guarantee you that your wrists will be very sore after this class. Please welcome our sexy models, Gal and Henry!” The students applauded as Gal and Henry walked in wearing robes. “And now the best part, Gal and Henry if you please.” Nervously, Gal and Henry walked out to the front of the stage. They looked confident as fuck as they planned to disrobe. “I’ll do the countdown,” said the teacher. “10……….9………..8………..7………...6………...5………..4………...3………...2…………..1!” Gal and Henry opened their robes and the audience gasped in shock and awe as they were both completely naked. Not only that, but Gal exposed her breasts and vagina and Henry exposed his penis to the whole of the Hollywood Bowl. The audience burst into applause as naked Gal and Henry stood there just baring all without a care in the world. The students and audience began to take pictures on their phones. In the audience, many penises got erect and many vaginas widened. The same went for our students who struggled with their pants. The naked Gal and Henry walked back to the classroom and stood in front of the students. “Well, I must say, you have the balls to do this,” said the teacher. “No I don’t,” laughed Gal. “Now class,” the teacher told her students. “Not that you’ll be paying attention to me. I thought we could make this class a bit more interesting.” Anna appeared to be making a funny noise. She seemed to be vibrating out of control and foam started coming from her mouth. “Anna!” cried the teacher. “It’s too sexy!” cried Anna as she fell off her chair and onto the floor. She was still vibrating out of control. The teacher went over to Anna, lifted her up and dragged her out of the room. “No, Man of Steel………….,” moaned Anna. “I want! I want…………” The teacher had dragged her out of the room and had closed the door. Then she went back to the front of the class. “As I was saying…….” She went over to her desk and lifted up a box. Then she took out a blindfold. “You have to draw them blindfolded,” she said. The students were in shock. “What?” they asked. “You know that game where you have to draw a house with your eyes closed?” asked the teacher. “Well, I thought it would be fun to draw the models whilst wearing these.” The students just looked at her. “You taking the piss?” asked Jack. “Sorta,” answered the teacher. “But were are here to see a bit of knob, tits and vag,” said Cara. “Well, now you’ve seen them, you can wear these,” said the teacher as she passed the box around. The students all took out their blindfolds with disappointment and put them on. “Imagine Bob Ross teaching you how to paint blindfolded,” said Jesse. “And you may begin to draw…………..now,” said the teacher. And with that, all the blindfolded students all began to draw. “I don’t think there is any need for us to be here,” said Henry as he and Gal began to leave. But then the teacher pulled out a pistol and pointed it at them. “Get back to your position you sexy persons, you,” warned the teacher. So Gal and Henry went back to posing, so to speak. “Okay students, you may finish, now,” said the teacher. The students stopped drawing and took off their blindfolds. They all looked at their pictures and laughed. “Jack, show us yours,” said the teacher. Jack showed his picture. Above the stage, there were two massive screens so the audience sitting at the back row could see. The screens showed Jack’s crappy drawing of a pair of massive tits and a large penis. “A very good likeness,” remarked the teacher. “And Dakota?” Dakota showed her drawing, which was two messy stick figures. One had massive tits and the other had a massive knob. “Well, you got the figures right,” remarked the teacher. “Michael?” Michael showed his drawing and it was all scribbles. “Christine Weston Chandler can draw better than that!” remarked the teacher. “At least it doesn’t have animals fucking,” added Saoirse. “Okay, Saoirse, let see your drawing,” said the teacher. Saoirse showed her drawing and it was a very sophisticated drawing of Gal and Henry. It looked something out of a DC comic. The students looked at her in disbelief. “Luck of the Irish, indeed,” said the teacher. “Jesse.” Jesse showed his drawing, which was a drawing of two blue tits, a cat and a rooster. “Cara?” asked the teacher. Cara showed her drawing, which was nothing. Just a blank page. “I can’t draw,” said Cara. “Well, at least you’re honest,” said the teacher. “Yours is the best.” The students all laughed. “No, I’m not joking,” said the teacher with all honesty. “In fact, we’re gonna put this in the art gallery.” “Now, you’re really taking the piss,” said Jack. “And we’re gonna burn everyone of your drawings,” she told the whole class. They all groaned. “What about mine?” asked Saoirse. “Yours will be burned too!” snapped the teacher. “It is too good. In fact, you’re in detention.” Saoirse looked sad. The teacher looked at the audience. “Well, that’s all we have time for, you fat, gun loving Yankee bastards who brag on ENDLESSLY about your country being Number One,” the teacher told the audience. “Join us next time, when we draw Bruce Campbell naked. Goodbye.” The audience applauded as the sketch ended and Bruce walked back onto the stage. “Not a hope in Hell,” he said to the audience. “Join us in Part 3, when we’ll………” But the art teacher went up to Bruce with a stern look on her face. “I said, when we draw you naked, Bruce!” she scowled. “Er, I gotta go get two things,” said Bruce. “Probably a chainsaw and a boomstick. Back in three minutes.” He ran off in terror and the teacher chased after him. “Come back here!” she shouted. “Let’s see which is bigger. Your chin, or your………..!” The audience applauded as Part 2 ended.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Backstage, Gal and Henry had their robes back on and were going crazy over what they had just done. “I can’t believe it!” cried Gal. “And now my girlfriend is going to watch this on YouTube over and over,” said Henry. “All the kids are going ‘I saw Superman and Wonder Woman naked!’,” said Dakota. Part 3 began and the audience applauded as Bruce walked onto the stage. “Now our next sketch is very, very British. It is a Jane Austen style sketch about very posh people showing you how to fart in the most sophisticated way possible. Simon Pegg, Jack Whitehall, Keira Knightley, Daniel Radcliffe and Dame Helen Mirren star in ‘Farting Etiquette’.” The audience applauded as Bruce walked away and the lights came on to reveal a very posh ‘Pride and Prejudice’ style set. The cast were all dressed in that type of clothing and they were all drinking Brandy. “Ladies and gentlemen, my dear friends,” began Simon. “It is so good to see you all again. And allow me to show my gratitude with this welcoming.” Simon closed his eyes and…….. PARFFFFFFFFFFF!!!! The others applauded and admired the fart. “A delightful sound that is music to one’s ears,” said Jack. “It is an acquired taste, or should I say an acquired smell,” said Keira. “But that is nothing compared to what Duke Pumperton taught me,” said Daniel. “Humour me,” said Simon. “Alright then,” said Daniel, as he closed his eyes and…… BUUUUUURRRRRRRRFFFFFFFEEEEETTTTTTTTTT!!! The others applauded. “Take the words out of my mouth, or rather from my…….,” Helen was about to say, but placed her hand over her mouth to prevent. “I shan't say the ‘B’ word, it’s rude.” “So very rude,” said Jack, shuddering at the fact. “Although on a lighter night, my son has begun to say his first words.” “Oooooooohhhhhhhhhh,” said the others. “What were they?” asked Keira. “They were……,” began Jack. As he began to stand up and……… POMP! PFFFfffffftttt-fffffttttt POMP! The others applauded again. “He puts his old man to shame,” said Jack. “My daughter has began to speak as well,” said Keira. “And her first words were……” She got up and…………. PIPPPPP! PIPPPPPPPAAAAPPPPPAAA!!! PIMPPPPP! PIP-PIP-PIP-PIP-PIP-pip-pip-pip-pffffffttttttt…… The others applauded. “Very feminine, yet not very offensive,” said Simon. “Although……,” began Helen. “My uncle came to visit us last week, and showed us a trick that would put terrorists in their place.” “Do show,” said Keira. “Alright then,” said Helen. She lifted her bum up and……….. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFfffffffffffffffffffffffffffff…………….. The wallpapers all began to tear off. The others applauded like crazy. “Masterpiece, your best yet!” said Simon. “I do try,” said Helen. There was a knock on the door. “Oh yes, that must be my cousin from America,” said Keira as she walked over and opened the door. In came Jennifer Lawrence wearing the same sort of dress Kiera was wearing. “Dear Jenny, thank you for coming,” said Keira. “Thank you, oh God!!!” gagged Jennifer. “Shall we open a window?” “Why?” asked Simon. The others looked at Jennifer confused. “Tell me, Jenny,” began Helen. “How much can you let off?” “As in farting?” asked Jennifer. “Well, I’m not much of a farter. But I do have an alternative method.” She stood in the middle of the room and…….. BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPP!! After doing the burp, Jennifer looked proud, but the others had a shocked look on their faces. “What is wrong with you?” snapped an offended. “Oh that’s ghastly!” said Helen. “I think I’m going to be sick!” cried Jack. “Are all Americans as rude as you?” asked Daniel. “But I………..,” said Jennifer. The others howled in horror, “She said the dreaded ‘B’ word,” cried Helen. “The American way of saying ‘Bott……’. Oh no! I almost said it!” “You idiot!” Kiera snapped at Jennifer. “Look what you’ve done!” “But I………,” Jennifer began to say. “She said it again!” cried Jack. “We are no longer cousins,” snapped Keira as she grabbed Jennifer by the arm and dragged her out. “And go back to New York!” barked Keira. “Why do you Brits think that all Americans come from New York, LA, Texas or Washington?” asked Jennifer. “I’m from Kentuck…….” Keira closed the door and gasped. “I am so sorry for that!” she cried. “That’s alright,” said Simon. “One needs a cigar to calm oneself down,” said Jack as he pulled out a cigar and put it in his mouth. Then he took out a match and began to light it. But as he did……. KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!! The stage exploded. The audience laughed and applauded as the sketch was over. Backstage, Jennifer and Brie were talking to Helen. “Y’know, when we did that table discussion two years ago,” began Jennifer, talking about a roundtable interview she did back in 2016 with Brie, Helen, Kate Winslet, Jane Fonda, Cat Blanchett, and Carey Mulligan. “I’m looking at you Helen, and Kate and Jane…… and I’m like……..’I’ve seen all of you naked’.” Helen laughed. “And when we met Kate,” added Brie. “We were like……” “Oh yeah,” said Jen. Then Jen and Brie began to chant: “Don’t talk about the drawing scene in Titanic, don’t talk about the drawing scene, don’t talk about the drawing scene!” “And then Kate was like ‘I take it you want me to talk about the drawing scene’,” said Brie. “And we’re like ‘What drawing scene? I don’t remember a drawing scene!’,” said Jen. “And she just started to talk about it as if she was on autopilot.” “Shame it wasn’t gender reversed,” said Anna Kendrick. “Kate drawing Leo naked.” “Well, he did The Aviator,” said Brie, referring to Leo’s nude scene in that movie. “Hey, ask a naked Leo ‘What did think about drawing Kate naked?” laughed Jennifer. “He’ll look down and say ‘Does this answer your question?’.” She, Brie, Anna and Helen all laughed. Bruce came back onto the stage. “Oh that sketch stank! Thank God we have no smell-o-vision. Now our next sketch is something a bit sexier. Two sexy ladies Emma Stone and Aly Michalka, play Grace the vampire and Marice the werewolf, who get a visit from a zombie played by Dakota Johnson. Enjoy!” He walked off stage and the lights came on the reveal a living room set. Emma as Grace and Aly as Marcie were on the sofa watching TV. “Nothing except crappy reality shows,” sighed Grace. “See if there is any porn on,” suggested Marcie. “You’re more perverted than Anna Kendrick,” said Grace. “I’m a werewolf,” replied Marcie. “I can’t control my animal instincts. When I get aroused, I feel like I’m gonna cause a shockwave.” Grace has found the news. “I see the human town has that zombie problem,” she said. “The virus has been spreading around the human town infecting many,” said the vampire News Anchor. “And it is pretty sure that the zombies will be heading toward our vampire/ werewolf town. Lock your doors and windows, by all means.” “What’s the big fuss all about?” asked Marcie. “We’re vampires and werewolves. Zombies can’t infect us.” “Yes, but they leave their rotting organs lying around,” said Grace. “Did you lock the door?” “Bitch, why can’t you do it?” asked Marcie. “Because we made an agreement,” said Grace. “I would lock all the windows, and you lock all the doors.” “I’ll do it later,” moaned Marcie. “See if there is any porno.” As they watched TV, the didn’t notice the door began to open, and the zombie played by Dakota was walking in. She moaned as she stood beside the sofa and looked at Grace and Marcie. Grace had a disgusted look on her face as she sniffed the air. “Marcie, did you fart again?” she asked. “Slutzilla, werewolves don’t fart,” groaned Marcie. “Beside, it’s probably those humans spreading manure again.” “In the middle of the night?” asked Grace. Just then, the duo noticed the zombie just standing there. They both yelped and jumped off the sofa. “ARGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!” they screamed. “Kill her!” cried Grace. But they just stand there just looking at her. “Why?” asked Marcie. The zombie was looking at the shelf and was lifting off the books and ornaments. She wasn't causing any harm. “We don't have to kill her,” said Marcie. “We’ll just bring her outside and lock the door.” The zombie then went outside and dragged something in. “Grace look!” cried Marcie. It was a dead body of racist politician. “She brought us food!” cried Grace. “Good, our blood supply is running low,” said Marcie. “Good zombie.” All three of them began to tear the body apart and munched on his limbs and organs. “Grace, I’ve been thinking,” said Marcie. “We don’t we keep her?” “Marcie……,” began Grace. “Look, no-one is going to miss her,” explained Marcie. “Her family is either dead, or just glad to be rid of her. C’mon, she’s cute and brings us food. I’ve always wanted a pet.” Grace looked at the zombie and sighed. “Alright, as long as the human government doesn’t know about this,” she said. “Awesome, c’mon, Hilda!” Marice cried with joy. The big screens above the stage showed a montage of Marcie and Hilda the zombie having fun. It showed them playing in the park, with Marcie throwing a frisbee at Hilda. However the frisbee got stuck into Hilda’s head. It showed Marcie taking Hilda into a morgue to get food, then it showed Grace and Marcie playing with a skipping rope with Hilda in the middle. But no such luck. Then it showed Marcie and Grace in a swimming pool and they were looking around for Hilda, who had sunk to the bottom. Then it showed the trio at a werewolf/ vampire carnival with them on the round about, the bumper cars and the roller coaster. After the montage ended, the trio were back on stage in the living room set, with Marcie taking a Selfie of her, Grace and Hilda. “This has been an awesome week,” said Marcie. There was a knock of the door. Grace walked over and opened it. There was two men wearing suits. They were played by Chrises Evans and Pratt. “Hello, we’re from the human government,” said Evans “Oh no!” said Grace. “We understand that you have a zombie in here,” said Pratt. “No!” cried Marcie. “You’re not taking away Hilda!” “Miss Marcie,” said Evans. “You cannot have a pet zombie. She could wonder into the human town and all Hell would break loose.” “And then our government would have to eliminate all vampires and werewolves,” said Pratt. “I’m sorry.” Marice looked at Hilda with tears in her eyes. “What would happen to Hilda?” “I’m afraid we’ll have to terminate her,” said Evans. “NO!” cried Marcie. “Marcie, it’s the law,” said Grace. “And Hilda will suffer no more. Besides she’s falling apart.” “She is a picture of health!” snapped Marcie. And with that, Hilda’s arm came off and landed on the floor. “No biggie,” said Marcie. “We’ll sew that back on.” “Marcie,” said Grace. Marcie looked at her, the agents and then Hilda. Then she sighed. “Okay…………… but I want to do it.” Evans gave Marcie his pistol and she pointed it at Hilda’s head. The zombie looked at her with a sad look on her face. “I love you, Hilda.” BANG! Hilda fell to the ground. She was dead. Well, deader than before. Tears ran out of Marcie’s eyes. And out of Grace’s too. The agents picked up Hilda, dragged her out of the room. “Thank you for your cooperation,” said Pratt as he closed the door. Grace and Marcie looked at each other. They both hugged and Marcie cried into Grace’s shoulder. Grace felt sorry for her. The lights dimmed and the screens above showed the Selfie of Marcie, Grace and Hilda. The audience applauded as Bruce walked back onto the stage. “A funny sketch, but a very sad ending. Join us after the break where we lighten things up a bit. See you in Three.” The audience applauded as Part 3 ended.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Bruce walked out on stage and the audience applauded as Part 4 began. “Our next sketch is an educational film from the 50’s. It is called ‘The Do’s and Don’ts of Masturbation’. Starring Saoirse Ronan and written and narrated by Greta Gerwig.” The audience applauded as Bruce walked off stage and the lights came on to reveal Saoirse in 1950’s clothing in a 1950’s bedroom. She was reading a magazine. The big screens above the stage showed that the sketch were in black and white. Cheesy triumphant 1950’s educational music began to play as the title “The Do’s and Don’ts of Masturbation” came on. “When a teenage girl feels aroused, but has no-one to have sex with,” Greta read from off stage into a microphone. “She needs to take her urges out on something. This technique is called ‘Masturbation’. Invented by scientists centuries ago to prevent the world from ‘over sexifying’. Masturbation is similar to sex, yet it is only done when one is on one’s own. Here we have a girl getting a tad aroused from the magazine she is reading.” Saoirse got aroused and stretched on her collar as she read the magazine entitled “Penises Around the World”. She then started to look around, desperately. “Masturbation is a perfect way of relieving stress,” said Greta. “Although one must take precautions. Now, Saoirse, what must you do?” Saoirse thought for a moment and then closed the curtain. “That is good. Now, do you think you’re ready?” Saoirse smiled and nodded at the audience, as if she was replying to the narrator. “Okay, go ahead.” Saoirse took off her dress to reveal that she was in a vest and underwear. Then she climbed into bed and put her hand down under the sheet. But then the phone rang. She looked annoyed. “Oh dear. That blasted phone,” said Greta. “How dare it interrupt you on this important ritual. What must you do?” Saoirse got out of bed and walked over to the table where the phone was. Then she pulled out a hammer and started bashing the phone to pieces. “Good,” said Greta. “Now, are you ready?” Saoirse nodded at the audience. “Alright, if you say so.” Saoirse climbed back into bed and began to wank. But then the door opened and her mother, played by Helen Mirren walked in and was shocked. Saoirse then gave a shocked look on her face. “Oh dear. Looks like you forgot to lock your door,” said Greta. “Would you like time to rewind so you can try again?” Saoirse nodded. As if time was rewinded, Saoirse and Helen began to do the same scene, but in reverse. Saoirse was now out of the bed and just stood there. Time continued again. “But there is just one problem,” said Greta. “You have no lock.” Saoirse snapped her fingers with frustration. But then had an idea. “What’s that? You have a plan?” asked Greta. Saoirse nodded. She then went over to her desk and grabbed her chair. Then she took the chair over to the door and places the top of the chair underneath the door handle. “Good work,” said Greta. “Now you may commence.” Saoirse went back over to the bed, climbed into it and began to wank. “As the young lady pleasures herself to the male anatomy,” said Greta. “Her vagina widens and moistens as she goes on and on and on and on.” Saoirse masturbated faster and faster and faster………. and then…….. she came. “You came,” said Greta. “Congratulations!” The audience applauded and Saoirse was proud. “You looked like you had fun,” said Greta. “Now that you’re finished, be sure to clean the evidence and wash your hands. And remember that in the future, masturbate wisely and safely.” The sketch ended and the words “The End” appeared on the screens and the cheesy music played as the film was over. The lights dimmed and the audience applauded as Bruce walked out. “Ah if only they showed stuff like this when I was growing up. That way, I wouldn’t have been caught sore handed. Our next sketch is The Seven Deadly Sins again, only this time they are on “Family Feud” against the Seven Virtues. Starring Chris Pratt as Bravery, Brie Larson as Kindness, Jennifer Lawrence as Charity, Keira Knightley as Temperance, Helen Mirren as Patience, Cara Delevingne as Diligence and Jack Whitehall as Chastity. And also, the host is played by me! Enjoy!” Bruce walked to the end of stage, where the lights came on to reveal the Family Feud set. The Sins and the Virtues were behind their panels. “Hello, folks, welcome to Family Feud. Tonight we have the Seven Deadly Sins Vs The Seven Virtues. Now our first question…..” Bruce walked behind his panel and Anger stood at one end, and Bravery stood at the other. “Anger meet Bravery. Bravery, Anger.” Bravery held out his hand. “Hi.” But Anger just punched him in the face. The Virtues screamed and the Sins laughed. “What did you do that for?” Bruce asked Anger in shock. “Don’t like ‘im, cos he’s a CUNT!” barked Anger. “Anger, you can’t say that on TV,” warned Bruce. “You’re gonna edit this fuckin’, innit?” asked Anger. “Okay, Bravery, you alright?” asked Bruce. “I’ve had worse,” Bravery answered holding his eye. “Okay, first question,” began Bruce. “Things you do in a bathroom.” Anger hit the buzzer. “Wanking!” “Our survey says…….,” said Bruce. The buzzer came on. And there was an X on the screen. “Oh bad luck, Anger. Bravery?” “To pleasure oneself.” “Our Survey says……,” said Bruce. BING! “Self love” appeared on the screen. “Correct!” Bravery and the sins were happy, but Anger grabbed Bruce by the shirt. “Listen mate, you’re outta order. I said wanking and this cunt stole my answer. SO YOU BETTER WISE UP, MATE, OR I’M GONNA KNOCK THAT BIG CHIN OFF, YOU CUNT!!!!” “Anger, if you threaten the host, we won’t win the prize money,” said Greed. “And we need that money to pay the rent.” Anger understood and let go off Bruce. “Er, okay, guys back with your teams and discuss what other things you can do in the bathroom,” said a shocked Bruce. Anger and Bravery went back to their teams and discussed the answers. “Okay, assholes, listen up,” said Envy. “Greed, any way we can cheat?” “I’ll try,” answered Greed. “Oh Bruce.” Bruce walked over to them. Greed gave him a check. “You’re giving me a check to let you win the game?” asked Bruce. “Obviously,” said Greed. “Okay,” said Bruce as he took the check. Greed thought his plan worked, but….. Bruce tore up the check. “Hey, how about if Lust gives him a blow job,” suggested Envy. Lust grabbed onto Envy’s nipple and twisted it. “Be adults and play the game properly!” snapped Bruce. The sins were fucked. They discussed what the answers were, but Vanity was busy looking at herself in the hand held mirror and Gluttony munched on a bag of Doritos. “Bruce we have our answers,” said Bravery. “Okay, shoot,” said Bruce. “Using the toilet,” said Kindness. “Bathing,” said Diligence. “Brushing your teeth,” said Patience. “Putting makeup on,” said Charity. “Getting rid of a tonsil stone,” said Temperance. “Brushing your hair,” said Chastity. “Our survey says…….,” said Bruce. All the answers came on the screen. The Virtues jumped for joy. The sins booed, hissed and gave them the fingers. Anger grabbed Gluttony’s bag of Doritos and chucked them at the Virtues. Gluttony was not happy. Sloth was smoking a joint. It seemed to have a strange effect on him. “Okay, our next question,” said Bruce. “Sloth and Kindness, you’re next.” Sloth and Kindness went to Bruce’s panel. “Things you can do in a car,” said Bruce. Sloth hit the buzzer. “Destination!” BRING! BRING! “That was the ultimate answer! You have scored more points than your opponents!” cried Bruce with joy. The sins were happy, but the virtues weren’t. “Sloth, that means you can go to the final round,” explained Bruce. “If you answer all the questions correctly, you will win your team a million dollars!” “Okay,” said Sloth. “Right, stand to the middle of the set,” said Bruce. Sloth stood in the middle of the set and intense music played. “A vegetable that makes you cry?” asked Bruce. “Onion,” answered Sloth. “Clothes to help one hear?” asked Bruce. “Hearing aid,” answered Sloth. “Object to prevent a man from being a father?” asked Bruce. “Condom,” answered Sloth. “Thing that the human body can do the fastest?” asked Bruce. “Blinking,” answered Sloth. “An element that can give life and death?” asked Bruce. “Water,” answered Sloth. “Okay, those were your five answers, our survey says…….” said Bruce. All the answers came on the screen. Sloth had won! The sins all jumped for joy and hugged Sloth. They all gave the fingers to the Virtues. Then Bruce gave them a the massive check for a million. Bruce spoke to the audience. “Well, that’s all we have time for on Family Feud, join us next week when………” “HOLD IT!” Two vicious Mafioso guys arrived on the set. They were played by Chris Hemsworth and Daniel Radcliffe. “Hello, Greed, remember us?” said Daniel. “I met so many people, I can’t…..,” lied Greed. “Fuck up!” snapped Chris. “You borrowed a million from us months ago. You better pay us back, or else you’ll be castrated.” The poor sins had no choice but to give the massive check to the mafia. “Pleasure doing business with ya, Greed. Laters,” said Daniel as he and Chris walked off with the check. The virtues looked at the sins with smirks on their faces. Bruce finished his speech. “Er, join us next time on Family Feud, when we’ll have no assholes in it. Good night.” The Family Feud music played as the sketch ended. Bruce walked back out to the front of the stage and spoke to the applauding audience. “Join us in three when we’ll have our final and most bizarre sketch yet.” The audience applauded as Part 4 ended.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

The audience applauded as the final part began. Bruce walked onto the stage. “Well, folks. This is the final, biggest and most bizarre part of the show. Now, how many of you like anime?” There was a lot of cheers from the audience. “How many of you have ever heard of an anime called ‘Panty and Stocking With Garterbelt’?” There were some cheers from the audience. “Okay, ‘Panty and Stocking’ is Japan’s answer to South Park and Family Guy. It is about two foul mouthed angels called Panty and Stocking Anarchy. One’s a slut, the other’s a candy loving goth. They have been kicked out of Heaven for bad behaviour and as punishment, have to go to Daten City to kill ghosts. Much like Super Mario Bros, if they kill a ghost, they get a coin and if they get enough, they can go back to Heaven. Panty takes off her panties and can turn them into a gun and Stocking can turn her stockings into swords……...No, I am NOT making this up! They live with an afro priest named Garterbelt…...yeah, I know. And their arch enemies are two she-devils called Scanty and Kneesocks. Everyone with me so far? Kinda? Okay. So we have Cara Delevingne as Panty, Margot Robbie as Stocking, Idris Elba as Garterbelt…. Or ‘Garter’ as everyone calls him, Olivia Wilde as Scanty, Megan Fox as Kneesocks and Michael Cera as a boy called Brief…… yes, all these names…… a boy who has a crush on Panty. Enjoy!” Bruce walked off stage and the audience cheered as the sketch began. The big screens showed a shot for shot remake of the opening credits, only with Cara, Margot and Idris. Once it was over, the screens showed a miniature of Daten City as the show swooped through the buildings and toward and massive church/house. The lights on stage came on to reveal the living room set with Garter sitting on the sofa flipping through the channels on TV. “And now Altar Boys Live.” Garter looked very intrigued, if not aroused. He was about to put his hand up his robe to have a crafty one, until he heard Panty and Stocking arguing. Cara and Margot performed with American accents. “DUDE, YOU’RE SUCH A CUNT!” barked Stocking. “MAN, FUCK YOU!!” Panty barked back. “NO, DON’T FUCK ME! I’M NOT INTO INCEST!” Stocking barked right back. Garter took his hand out and flipped the channel to something else. Panty and Stocking’s silhouette could be seen going up the elevator door. It opened to reveal the angels. Cara was in her massive blonde wig and red dress and Margot was in goth makeup, black dress, violet Jessie J wig and stockings. The audience cheered as they were the spitting image of the characters. They both walked into the living room. “Well, maybe if you weren’t caught with the candy store owner’s husband’s dick in your mouth,” began Stocking. “I would’ve got my year’s supply of British chocolate!” “Dude, you were fuckin’ kicked out of that place long ago for eating most of their chocolate,” Panty fought back. “But I’ll tell you one thing, that guy’s dick was even tastier than the candy that store had.” “Just another day in paradise,” groaned Garter. Idris performed him with a Jive accent. “Until you skanky ass bitches quit moanin’, I’m gonna go lock myself in my room praying that the good Lord will replace you two sluts with angels who are actually easy to get along with.” Garter left the room. “Man, Garter’s such a fuckin’ drag,” said Panty. “Always bitchin’ and moanin’ at us who have to do all the work and kill the ghosts.” Stocking was carrying a paper bag and took out her chocolate eclair. She sat on the sofa and was about to eat it, until Chuck, a green rat like dog popped out from the sofa. Obviously a Muppet like puppet. Stocking looked at him. “No, this is Stocking’s. Fuck off.” But Chuck leaned forward and opened his mouth. Panty then grabbed her vibrator that was also on the sofa and shoved it into Chuck’s mouth. She turned it on and he vibrated like crazy. “CHUCK! CHUCK! CHUCK! CHUCK! CHUCK!” Oh, and like a Pokemon, he can only say his name. Panty then pulled him off the sofa and opened the window. She then threw Chuck out. “Fuck off, you little shit!” Stocking ate away at her eclair and then noticed a magazine that was on the table in front of her. “What the fuck?” She picked it up the magazine and looked at it. “The Best of 14 and Under?” “I have tons of porn magazines, but that is definitely not one of mine,” said Panty. “I only fuck guys that are 18 to 39. That’s the rule.” Stocking looked at Panty. “You think Garter…….?” They thought for a moment. “Naw probably not!” they both said in unison. Panty grabbed the remote and flipped through the channels. “See if there is any good porno on. If not, I’m watching Magic Mike.” “Dude, you seen that movie 100 times,” said Stocking. “Can you blame me?” Panty replied with a cheeky grin. Then another silhouette appeared on the elevator door. It opened to reveal Brief, the ginger haired, green jumpsuit wearing boy who had a crush on Panty. “Oh hey, Panty. Hey, Stocking,” he greeted nervously. Panty and Stocking sighed. “Y’know, I was exhausted after blowing guys off all day,” said Panty. “So sorry Geek Boy, I'm too tired to blow you. So fuck off.” “Actually, my name is Brief,” replied Brief eager to please. “My father is a billionaire and I think you’re beautiful and I was wondering if we can…..er……..” “Look, ginger pubes,” began Panty. “I don’t know much about you, other than you stalk me all the time.” “That’s illegal by the way,” Stocking said to Brief. “Look, there is a big difference between you and me,” Panty said to Brief. “I am a hot, sexy girl who every man wants to fuck, big time. And you are a little ginger bitch who watches that sci-fi shit and collects Poke cards. So yeah I WILL NEVER FUCK YOU!!!” “That……. That’s okay,” replied a hurt Brief. “In fact what the fuck are you doing here anyway?” Stocking asked him. “Garter wanted me for something,” answered Brief. “I don’t know why.” Garter came in, overjoyed that Brief is here. “Brief so glad you can make it,” he said with joy. A little too joyous though. Panty and Stocking looked at Garter. “Er, Garter?” said Stocking. “What?” asked the priest. He saw that everyone was looking down, and to his horror, his massive boner was sticking out of his robe. “Garter, like……. What the fuck?” asked Panty. Garter was embarrassed. But had to come up with an excuse. “Now see what you bitches have done? Everywhere you go, you cloud men’s minds with unholy thoughts! Shame on you! Now, come on, Brief, I need you to try something on.” “Er, okay,” said Brief as Garter lead him out of the room, but as he did, he grabbed onto Brief’s ass. Panty and Stocking were confused. “Dude, what the fuck is going on?” Panty asked her sister. “Beats the fuck outta me,” replied Stocking. The sisters were about to watch TV, until two more silhouettes appeared on the elevator door. “Oh fuck! Not more visitors!” snapped Panty. She turned around and the door opened to reveal…... “Oh fuck me!” The Deamon Sisters, Scanty and Kneesocks, played Olivia and Megan in red make up, a green and blue wig and dressed in white business suits, mini skirts and high heels. “Oh sister, look. This place is a pigsty,” said Scanty. “And here are the two sows who inhabit this abysmal place,” replied Kneesocks. Panty and Stocking stood up to face the Deamon sisters. “These bitches again,” said Stocking. “What were you called again?” “Oh you obviously lack brain cells to even remember,” groaned Scanty. “This is Scanty and I am her darling little Kneesocks,” said the Deamon sister. “Do you girls lick each other’s vaginas?” asked Panty. “Sex on the brain, sister,” said Scanty. “She doesn’t have a brain,” remarked Kneesocks. They both laughed at their remark. “Look, what the fuck do you cunts want?” asked Panty. “We have bought your house,” answered Scanty. “The fuck?” asked Stocking. “Your house, as awful as it is from the inside, is actually quite attractive,” said Kneesocks. “So my sister and I have bought it, and you and your priest will be living on the streets.” “GARTER!” called Panty. Garter and Brief entered the room. However, Brief was in a full on gimp suit. The angels and Deamons looked very confused. “Man, it’s you devil bitches again,” said Garter. “These cunts have bought our house,” replied Panty. “Over my beautiful black ass!” snapped Garter. “Mr Garterbelt, if you do not give us your house,” began Scanty with an evil grin. “We will show the police what you did at that Alter Boys’ camp,” said Kneesocks, also grinning evilly. “How?” asked Garter. Kneesocks showed Garter the images on her Smartphone. The Priest was shocked. “What the? How the fuck did you…..?” “Are you gonna give us your house?” asked Kneesocks. Garter sighed with defeat. “Okay…….. You red bitches can have the house.” Scanty and Kneesocks leapt for joy. “Garter we can fight these sluts!” said Stocking. “Not this time,” sighed Garter. “C’mon, angels. Let’s go.” A sad Garter lead Panty, Stocking and Brief out to the elevator, but the Deamon Sisters stopped Brief. “No you, Briefers,” said Scanty. “You’re going to be our slave,” added Kneesocks. “What?” asked Brief. “Just wait till my parents hear about this.” He pulled out his Smartphone and began to call his parents. “Hello, Mom? Dad? I……. oh, you knew about the Deamon sisters taking over the Anarchies’ house? And you’re okay with me being the Deamon sisters’ slave? Oh…………….okay……………………” He hung up and looked at the Deamon sisters. Garter, Panty and Stocking were inside the elevator. The door closed it brought them down. The lights dimmed, and at the side of the stage was an alley set. Panty, Stocking and Garter were lying there beside a trash can with fire coming from it. “I still can’t understand why you didn’t let us fight the bitches,” said Panty. “It’s just they were going to blackmail me with that stuff on their phone,” answered Garter. “Garter, if we can get the phone, we could fight the sisters,” said Stocking. “How?” asked Garter. “Chuck! Chuck!” Chuck the green rat-dog came along. “Chucky,” said Panty as she picked him up. “Chucky, if you can get the Deamon sisters’ phone from our house, we can delete the embarrassing photos, fight the bitches, get our house back and rescue Geek Boy.” “Chuck. Chuck.” “Now all you have to do is sneak in and steal the phone,” said Panty. “Now go!” She let go off Chuck and he ran off. The lights in the middle of the stage came on to reveal Scanty and Kneesocks on chairs relaxing in the living room. Brief was dressed in a French maid’s outfit. “Drink,” demanded Scanty as she opened her mouth and Brief had to insert a straw from a glass with her drink in it. “Ladies, I have been standing here for 40 minutes,” said Brief. “If you complain, we’ll make you go fishing with your pants down,” said Scanty. “The fish will have something to nibble.” “And Briefers, change the channel,” said Kneesocks. The remote was on the arm of chair near Kneesocks’ hand. Brief didn’t dare correct her, incase she would suggest something horrible to do to him. Brief pressed the button on the remote to change the channel. A few seconds went past and….. “Don’t like it, change it again.” Brief groaned and pressed the button again. He then noticed that the window was opening and Chuck was the one opening it. He climbed onto a bench and found the Deamon Sisters’ phone. He grabbed it and then went back to the window and exited. “Brief, do close the window. There is an awful draft,” said Scanty. “Okay then,” said Brief as he went over to the window and climbed out. “Brief, we can still feel the draft,” said Kneesocks. She then turned around and gasped. “Sister, our slave is gone! And so is our phone!” “What?” asked Scanty as she got up. The elevator door opened to reveal Panty and Stocking. “HOLA, BITCHES!” “Garter’s got your phone and is deleting the pictures,” said Stocking. “Oh you………… guttersnipe!” snapped Kneesocks. “Time to take back our house!” said Panty. “Stocking, let’s kick some Deamon ass!” “Let’s!” said Stocking. The big screens above showed a pole dancing set, with Panty and Stocking dressed in angel stripper like dresses. The song “Fly Away” from the show begins to play. Panty and Stocking pole dance suggestively. Panty took off her panties and Stocking took off her Stockings. The angels began to chant: “Oh pitiful shadow lost in the darkness; Oh evil spirit born of those drifting between Heaven and Earth; May the thunderous power from the garments of these holy delicate maidens strike down upon you with great vengeance and furious angerShattering your loathsome impurity and returning you from whence you came.Repent you motherfucker!” Panty turned her panties into a pistol and Stocking turned her stocking into a katana. Once the scene on screen was over, the sisters were on the set holding onto the glowing blue pistol and katana. The Deamon sisters looked at their enemies. “Two can play at that game,” said Scanty. The screens showed Scanty and Kneesocks dressed in tight black dresses and they began to pole dance to the song “I Want You”. Scanty took her panties and turned them into pistols and Kneesocks took off her kneesocks to turn them into scythes. They began to chant: “Break oh Earth;  Dry up oh sea;  Burn out oh sun;  Grant us power Earthly leaders and gatekeepers of HellGuide us makers of the underworld!We are high-class Demon Commanders!I'm Scanty!And I'm her darling little sister, Kneesocks!” When the scene was over, Scanty and Kneesocks were on stage with their glowing gold and black pistols and scythes. “Shall we dance?” asked Kneesocks. Stocking ran over to her and they began to clash their weapons. Meanwhile, Panty and Scanty were shooting at each other. They kept dodging each other’s bullets. During the fight, the elevator door opened to reveal Garter with a bottle of holy water. “Hey! Deamon bitches!” He threw the water over Scanty and Kneesocks’ faces. They howled in pain as they held their faces. They had dropped their weapons and Garter picked them up. Panty and Stocking pointed their weapons at the Deamons, who laughed nervously. “I’m gonna turn you into Swiss cheese,” said Panty. But Scanty pulled a small black ball from her jacket and threw it out of the window. Suddenly a massive explosion could be heard. The big screens above showed a massive black and red toad like ghost attacking the miniature city. “Oh look, you have another ghost to fight,” said Scanty. “Au Revoir, Angels,” said Kneesocks as she and her sister ran to the elevator door and made their way down. “Okay, let’s fight this ghost and call it a night,” said Stocking. The screen above showed Panty dramatically shooting at the ghost and Stocking slashing her katannas everywhere. There was a paper mache shot of the ghost as it exploded, much like the show. Then a shot of the church ringing the bell. When the scene was over, Panty was holding onto something. It was a Heaven coin. “Another ghost dead, another coin.” “Well, we got our house back,” said Stocking. “Those Deamon bitches are getting their asses munched by their boss now,” said Garter. The screens above showed a swooping shot of a miniature of City Hall. The camera zoomed into the window of the Mayor Corset’s office. It showed inside the office with Scanty and Kneesocks bending over taking to Corset, who was behind his desk. “We are sorry we failed our mission, Corset,” said Scanty. “No matter, you have tried,” said Corset, played by Simon Pegg, but he was kept in shadow so we couldn’t get a good look at him. “We will do better next time,” said Kneesocks. “Oh, I still have a lot of ghosts for our angel friends to play with,” said Corset. “Just you wait. I may be the mayor of Daten City, but I will be president. There is already one villain as president, why not me? I’m getting aroused just thinking of it. I think a little sadomasochism is in order.” Scanty and Kneesocks looked happy. “Enjoy your victory now, Garterbelt,” said Corset. “It would be your last.” “I’ll get the nipple clamps,” said Scanty.

When the scene was over, the living room set was all messy again and free from Deamon stuff. Panty and Stocking yawned. “Well, I’ve got a gigolo coming over,” said Panty. The elevator doors opened to reveal…. “Chris Pine?” asked Stocking. “Yep,” said Panty as the actor walked in. “He agreed to fuck me if I give him money for his rent.” “So, he’s the prostitute?” asked Stocking. “Yep,” said Panty. “Chris, I just wanna say that I masturbated to your nude scene in ‘Wonder Woman’ so many times.” “What a coincidence,” said Chris. “I’ve masturbated to you many, many, many times. You look like that actress, y’know the one from that Luc Besson movie.” “Yeah, I get that a lot,” replied Panty. “Which is why a lot of men wanna fuck me. Kay, let’s go.” They were about to leave until…. “Panty, you can’t fuck him yet,” said Stocking. “Why?” whined Panty. “We have to do the song,” answered Stocking. “Can we not do the song later?” asked Panty. “No, do it now and get it over with,” said Stocking. “Okay, fine,” groaned Panty. She and Stocking grabbed microphones and the song began. It was “D City Rock”: My name is Panty, the crazy sexy blondieAnd I'm not dumbI'm breaking the news, now boys! Us girlsWe're full-time horny, too! Hey, check out that hot one, damn he's got a big[beep]DeliciousIt's time to get dirty now, so will y'all excuse meRead the air! I'm busy! Garterbelt! Again you've dialed D-CITY 2-900Pantsu line! Copy that! Clear the city! Anarchy! Everyone wants to be me!Anarchy yeah! Get it up so I can see!Anarchy! Let it flow wild and free!Anarchy yeah! Y'all ready for the gig?! By the way, my name is Stocking, I spill venomStinging erosAnd I got sweet tooth for lollipopsLoli goth, I lick good! These stripes will strip you downI got no mercy for chiralismMy fans they all love me 'cuz I kick it real tastyI get high being nasty! Garterbelt! You keep slappin' my butt aroundPantsu line! Freaky girl comin' your way! Anarchy! Everyone wants to be me!Anarchy yeah! Standing ovation please!Anarchy! Shake that thing wild and free!Anarchy-chy-chy-chy yeah! Steady ready for the gig?! During the song, the entire cast; Bruce, Brie, Olivia, Megan, Michael, Jack, Helen, Simon, all the Chrises, Jason, Scarlett, Josh, Anna, Keira, James, Jesse, Ted, Lucy, Gal, Henry (with their clothes on), Dakota, Emma, Daniel, Greta, J-Law, Aly, Saoirse, Idris, Eva, Tom and Anthony all got on stage and danced away.

I know you know... those wings inside of youI know you know... they do get naughty, tooBefore I go... there's something I wanna sayYour sleepy anarchy... Wake it up! Wake it up! Anarchy! Everyone wants to be me!Anarchy yeah! Get it up so I can see!Anarchy! Let it flow wild and free!Anarchy-chy-chy-chy yeah! Y'all ready for the gig?!

Once the song was over, the audience cheered. Then Panty looked at Chris Pine and asked…. “How did your date with Christine go?” Pine looked disturbed. “I’d rather not talk about it.” The audience applauded again and Bruce stood out to the stage. “Thank you for watching ‘Celebrities Live At The Hollywood Bowl’ and we’ll see you in the next ‘Celebrities Live’ show! Good night!” The cast all bowed and the audience stood up and applauded some more. THE END