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“How could you be so sure?”
“Because I’ve been loved by you, Brandon. It is a pretty powerful thing…thank you for that.”
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It had been over a month since Grace passed away. Brandon was back to his normal routine, though still carried an ache in his chest wherever he went. He couldn’t play music in quite the same way, and couldn’t help but tear up when he heard certain songs that reminded him of her. On top of his grief, there was something else that had been nagging at him since that day. He tried to ignore it, at least until he was in a better emotional state, but he could not get past the things Callie had said to him as they sat in the field. After moms had gone to bed, and the only light upstairs came from Mariana’s laptop screen, Brandon tapped lightly on the girls’ door. Mariana, engrossed in her twitter feed and the music pumping through her headphones hadn’t heard. Callie had almost fallen asleep, but was sure she heard something. A moment later, her phone buzzed beside her. Are you awake? It was from Brandon.
Yeah, barely. What’s up?
Meet me in my room. An odd request at this hour, but Callie had been worrying about him. He hadn’t spoken to anyone much in the last few weeks, and rarely showed up to dinner. She wanted to be there for him in whatever way she could, even if that meant just giving him space. Callie tucked her feet into a pair of slippers, and ducked out of the room- Mariana, none the wiser.
Down the hall, she pushed open Brandon’s door.
“Hey, everything okay?” She asked, standing in the doorway. The rule that the two of them weren’t allowed in his room alone had silently been lifted long ago, but Callie still felt as if she were trespassing.
“Come in, sit.” He gestured in front of him on the bed. Callie sat with one foot still on the floor, not quite ready to make herself comfortable. She was even more uneasy when Brandon reached over and pushed his door closed. This wasn’t a casual “talk”.
“Well, I’m fine. I mean, as fine as I can be, I guess.” Callie nodded, understanding. “Listen, though, I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said about Grace…thank you for being there for me. It really meant a lot.”
“Of course, any time.” Callie patted him awkwardly on the knee.
“I know this might be a weird time, but I just couldn’t…”
“Hey, I’m always here for you.” This, she said with confidence.
“I just have to ask, Callie, if what you said was entirely about Grace.” Her heart started to beat a little faster. She could feel her pulse through her wrist against the bed.
“Well, Brandon…I did mean it when I said that in my experience, being loved by you isn’t something taken lightly. She knew how much you cared, you never fail to show it to someone you’re with.”
“Right, but…when you said she was lucky to have me in her life, even for a little while.”
“Anyone would be lucky to have you, Brandon.”
“That’s not what I’m asking,” There was a long, awkward pause between the two of them. Callie certainly hadn’t been expecting this to come up.
“Look, you’ve got a lot of…emotional confusion going on right now, and that’s okay! It’s expected! I would never say something like that to you in a moment where…it wasn’t about me. It’s not about us, it was about you losing someone you really loved. You were hurting, I wouldn’t try to- to EVER-” Callie hadn’t noticed her voice had raised until he tried to calm her.
“Cal, that’s not what I meant. I know you wouldn’t intentionally have brought that up…in that moment. I know we never really talked about it, and it just got me thinking that maybe you…maybe we could have used some closure.”
“I’m your sister, now. That’s all the closure there is to get, isn’t it?” She was fighting it hard, but Brandon could tell by the lump in her throat that tears weren’t far away. She was always so strong. Around him, more than anyone. Callie put a wall up between them since she was adopted, like she was afraid if she let it down, all of those feelings would come flooding back in.
“I don’t think that’s what closure is at all, actually.” Brandon seemed calm and steady on the outside, but his hands were trembling. He had so much to say. He’d known for years what he wanted to tell her, but it never felt appropriate.
“For us, maybe it is. What we had…it wasn’t…it was doomed to fail. We both knew it. We moved on. You moved on, you fell in love- again, and again, and I tried so hard to forget…” Callie couldn’t hold it back anymore- she hated crying in front of him.
“Hey, listen, okay? Look at me. You matter to me. You’ve always mattered. What we have is…it’s unique, to say the least.” He was happy to see this received a small smile from her. “But it’s not nothing. Just like the rest of our family, you’ll always come first to me. Maybe you’ll never really be my sister, or whatever it is that we want to be, but it’s not nothing. I don’t know what it is, but I know what it’s not. It’s not something I can just forget. We’ve tried that, and I don’t think either one of us are happier for it.”
Callie’s expression was stern, but the tears kept spilling over. “I’ve always loved you. You know that? In…whatever way I’m ‘allowed’ to, I do. Do you know, Brandon, how hard it is to lose you? To have someone like you in your life, and then…” Callie felt ridiculous. She had bottled up this huge secret for so long, the one thing they shared, and with each new event in their lives she had to deal with it more on her own. Especially seeing him with other girls. She was happy for him, and always supportive, but she could never get rid of the constant pangs of jealousy in her mind.
“Cal,” he held her close, remembering exactly how it felt to let her go. “I’m right here. I’ll always be right here for you. You’ll never lose me.” In a single embrace, he hoped to convey everything he didn’t have the words for. That their relationship, whatever it may be, was more important to him than anything they would have had, had things been different. That she was family in the way that he would always love and care for her, and also his first true love. It wasn’t normal, and it wasn’t perfect, or something they could explain to other people, but it was what they were dealt.
“And you know…” Now it was Brandon who’s eyes began to water. “I never told her. I loved her so much, but I couldn’t ever have been honest with her about you, or with anyone. There’s not a way to bring that up, or to expect another person to deal with it when…”
“When we don’t know how to deal with it ourselves.” Brandon and Callie, smiled- for the first time, they were glad that this secret bond between them existed. It may have kept them distant for so long, but it was also what held them together. It wasn’t something that could be taken away, or understood by anyone else. It was frustrating, and devastating, and the most beautiful thing either of them had ever felt.
Brandon’s lip still quivered. “But I-I lied to her, right? Not telling her the truth, that something that…important had happened between us and she never knew. It would have made things harder, and maybe she would have left me, but I wouldn’t have been lying.” Callie wrapped her arms around him, now. Brandon was great at taking care of people, but sometimes he needed to be taken care of.
“She loved you so much, Brandon. You’re right, it wouldn’t have been easy, but she wouldn’t resent you for it. Besides, with this family, she’d have gotten used to the drama.” Callie smiled, wiping her eyes dry. The two of them sat up, looking at each other.
“We’ve really come a long way, haven’t we.”
“Yeah, the first time I saw you you had a busted lip.” Brandon reached forward and grazed her chin with his thumb. Callie’s face fell- where had this left them?
“I don’t think…that ‘closure’ is something that will happen for us. Not in the normal way, at least. Just promise me that whatever happened, or happens, we’ve got each other. ”
Brandon thought about this for a moment, and reached into his bedside drawer.
“There’s something I want you to have.” He pulled out a slightly-torn envelope, with a folded up paper inside. The sheet had been folded and worn over the years, but Callie could tell from the side it was sheet music. She pulled it out, and read the title. Immediately mad at him, for making her tear up again.
“You kept this? All these years, you kept this?”
“Handwritten, in all of it’s original, yet faded, glory.” Callie put a hand to her mouth and sighed.
“I don’t even know what to say.”
“Don’t. Just…don’t forget how I used to be. When I wrote that for you. No matter how many songs I write for however many girlfriends I have, I’m most proud of this one.” Callie gave Brandon a final, long hug, feeling for the first time that maybe things could go on. Without the sadness, or jealousy, or questions. Without the secrets, and the need to avoid each other. Maybe the two of them could have a relationship. A balance of love in whatever form, that they could both feel while not being held back or unsure. They could live their lives separately, knowing they were always connected.
Callie crept back into her bed, pulled up the clovers, and safely tucked the envelope labeled ‘Outlaws’ into her drawer. She slept well, knowing that he was always right down the hall, and so was she.